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drefear · 10 months

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Hi ya 💕

So I am not sure if your asks are open but was wondering if I could ask a question of sort about the Miguel x daughter’s friend thing you wrote.

Don’t feel pressured to answers this 🌸

Basically what I wanted to know is how you would imagine reader joking to Gabriella that she is pregnant in-front or Miguel and her father (but like it genuinely was a joke but the others thought otherwise)…. Basically their reactions to this.

Thank you for ya time 💕

Oh boy HEAR WE GO. My asks will always be open, yall. I love writing what others wanna read. cause I'm a validation craving people pleaser.

I hope this kind of captures what you wanted.

TW: Throw up, fluff, a little bit of backstory for Gabriella's mom, pregnancy obviously, drinking

You sat in the living room of MIguel’s house. Almost two years of dating, you and Miguel had finally moved in together and got into a nice little routine. Wednesdays were your night to be with Gabi, your dad, and Gabi’s (now) fiance. Popping open a bottle of wine, Gabi poured a glass for herself and Miguel, as your father and her boyfriend each had a beer. You stood, checking all the food you’d laid out and smiled. The doorbell rang and you looked around. “Oh, sorry sweetie! I invited Tia over, I forgot to tell you.” Your dad smiled apologetically and got up to get the door, making you look between Gabi and Miguel for a second in shock. Your dad had been seeing a woman he met at his gym for a month now, and you told him that he could invite her if he’d liked.

Grabbing another glass from the kitchen, you came back to see her sitting across from your boyfriend, smiling and shaking hands with Gabriella. She turned her smile to you and warmth seemed to surround her as she introduced herself. She hugged you immediately, and you returned the embrace.

“Your father has told me so much about you! He even showed me the music video you choreographed last month.” You blushed a bit at the compliment to your work, glancing at your dad.

“My little girl has a gift for performing.” He wrapped an arm around your shoulder and kissed the top of your head. You took a seat next to Miguel and once everyone was settled, you started the show you all had been watching.

As the night went on, you all talked and laughed.

“You haven’t had a sip of the wine!” Gabriella teased you and you just rolled your eyes. "C'mon, it's your favorite."

“You know I can’t drink right now, I might be up for that training camp and they gave me a very strict diet.” You placed your hands on your lap and glanced at the glass of water you’d gotten yourself.

Gabriella kept throwing questions at you about the possible job offer and you answered with enthusiasm, your love for dance showing in your excitement.

“I still can’t believe the ending to that episode, I don’t want to wait until next week.” Your father spoke up between him, Tia, and Miguel.

“So we all agree she’s probably pregnant, right?” Miguel’s opinion made you laugh.

“Yeah, it was too obvious.” You nodded, grabbing a bite of the fish dip. Wrinkling your nose, you moved to spit it out on a napkin. “Ugh, next time, remind me to make this homemade and not get the one from the store. It smells like it might be bad.” You trailed off, leaning back into Miguel’s waiting arms and snuggling closer to him.

“I wonder how he’s going to react.” Gabriella wondered, “And with his son, of all people!”

“I mean. They seem to love each other, does it matter if it’s his son?” Your brows furrow, the idea hitting a bit close to home.

“I think they’d have a cute kid.” Miguel added, and you thought for a second.

“All kids are cute. Babies, too. I love babies when they are all dressed up and-” You glanced up with a wide smile and saw everyone staring back at you, eyes wide. “What?”

“You’re pregnant!” Gabriella gasped and you laughed.

“What makes you think that?” You shrunk backwards, suddenly realizing how everyone’s attention was on you.

“Not drinking, you spit out the fish, you love babies, it all makes sense!” Gabriella speaks louder now. “Oh my god! I’m gonna be an aunt- no, a sister- you’re pregnant with my little brother or sister! Oh, I hope it’s a girl.” Gabriella’s rambling and constant talking made you sweat for a second, overwhelmed. Glancing to the other side of the room, you saw your father’s face. He was pale as a ghost, and silent. That terrified you.

“Dad?” You asked quietly.

“My little girl is pregnant… I’m gonna be a grandfather.” He spoke slowly and you reached over to him. His attention moved past you to your boyfriend. “You better take care of my little girl and this baby, Miguel, or I swear to God-”

“He did a good job with me, they’ll be fine!” Gabi smiled and grabbed your hand, unloading more thoughts she had about your pregnancy.

Your father chimed in now, talking with Gabi about how important it is that you be careful while dancing and at work, and maybe you shouldn’t be on such a strict diet. Gabi’s fiance and your dad’s date started adding in now, and your head began to spin. You froze, unable to completely process it all before finally bursting like a shaken bottle of soda.

“I’m not pregnant!” You shouted, standing up. Miguel just sat back, sipping his glass of wine with a chuckle. His relaxed posture made you a bit sad. Did he not care? Everyone else seemed to be so excited to see you have a baby.

You stormed out of the room, something you made a bad habit of ever since you were younger, and stomped off to your bedroom.

This made Miguel standing and usher everyone to the door, thanking them for coming and angering his girlfriend so that he could fix it. Closing the door, he quietly put everything away and cleaned up the mess they had made before coming to finally check on you in your shared bedroom.

“Mi corazon?” He opened the door and found you under the covers, blankets up to your neck. He sat by your feet and sighed.

“You weren't as excited as everyone else.” You said, getting straight to the point. “It was like you didn’t care.” He laughed and you sat up, now even more angry, “are you laughing?!”

“Yes.” He nodded, smiling still and you couldn’t help but melt a little at that sexy smile. “Mi vida, if you were pregnant right now, I’d be walking out that door.” He stated, and you lost your breath.

“Why?” Your eyes filled with tears and he just grabbed your hand.

“Because that would mean that you were pregnant with another man’s baby.” His words left you speechless for a second. “As you know, Gabriella came as a surprise for both her mother and I. We were still teenagers and neither of us were ready to have a baby, but we did and we got married and it all worked out. But right after Gabriella was born, her mother decided she didn’t want any more children, and so I had a vasectomy.” He said this all with ease, pulling you into his lap, “I knew it was reversible, and if we decided we did want another child, that I could just have it fixed and we could try.” He leaned his cheek on your head as he spoke and his words finally clicked.

“So you knew I wasn’t pregnant because I can’t get pregnant. That’s why when my dad made comments about if I got pregnant, you didn’t freak out.”

“Si.” He confirmed.

“So… you don’t want kids?” You asked and that’s when his body froze.

“I haven’t thought about children in a long time, mi Vida. Do you?”

“Yes, I do.” You announced and pulled away to be able to see his face. He was staring down at you with a new expression.

“Hmm.” He looked away before leaning towards you and laying you slowly down on the bed. “Then I guess I better get that reversed, and we better practice.” He smirked and you smiled, kissing him. “That way, I can get mi cielo pregnant with my baby.”

Those words made every part of you flutter. It was a sleepless night after that, and many more.

Three months later, and you stood in the kitchen making food for you and your boyfriend. The world had been kind to you recently, and that training camp job you’d had was finally over. Auditions had slowed for the moment and you were now enjoying teaching dance classes at a local theater.

The afternoon sun was hot as you cut a burger in half. Suddenly, without warning, your mouth was full of sick and you were running to the bathroom. You hated throwing up, hated the feeling of being powerless to your own body, and this was no exception. You wiped your mouth once you finished, and stood in the mirror for a second. You were glistening with sweat and your face looked a little greenish from vomiting. You wondered what had made you so ill.

Stepping back, you looked into the full body mirror and noticed something. Had you… gained weight? No, you’d been on that diet for the job, you’d been working out and conditioning constantly. If anything, you should have lost weight!

And things began to click. Being sick, gaining weight, and being so tired recently.

You were pregnant. You’d been trying now for weeks with Miguel, and it’d become so natural that you’d basically forgotten.

A few hours later and a trip to the store, you sat back in that bathroom with a test in your hands. Knee bouncing and lip pulled between your teeth, you placed it on the counter beside you. Five minutes, the instructions said. You could wait five minutes, right? No, you couldn't, so you decided to distract yourself and tossed the pregnancy test into the drawer of your sink.

You moved to clean up, wiping down the counter and throwing out the burger from before, when you heard Miguel walk in. You didn’t want him to see it if it was negative, to get his hopes up or feel pressured.

He walked in, gazing at you happily. Kissing you quickly, you held his large hands in yours and closed your eyes. No matter what happened, you knew you’d be happy as long as you were with him.

“Did you make something? I smell burgers.”

“Oh, no, but I can whip something up. I think I still have some meat sauce in the fridge, want some pasta?” You asked and he nodded. You bounced off to the kitchen, now focused on your boyfriend’s dinner. A few minutes later, you heard something fall from your bedroom. Running in there, you saw Miguel standing by his spread open briefcase with all of his papers strewn across the room, coming from the master bathroom.

The bathroom!

You stepped inside carefully, glancing to see his reaction in the mirror. The large man was standing shirtless with the bathroom drawer open, that stick in his hands. You gulped and bit your lip, eyes full of tears because you only assumed the worst.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t even look because I thought I might be pregnant, but I guess I was wrong-”

“It’s positive.” His voice was hoarse, obviously about to cry.

Your mouth fell open and your eyes met his. “What…?”

“It’s positive. You’re pregnant.” He whispered and moved to hug you, ignoring the mess everywhere as he pulled your tiny body into his big frame, head in your neck as he cried a bit from happiness.

You returned this gesture with equal parts of shock and happiness, at first not moving and then wrapping your arms and legs around him as he picked you up off the ground, both crying now.

You pulled back to cup his face and kiss him over and over, still in disbelief that you were carrying his child, that you two were going to have a baby. He choked out a sob as he smiled on your lips.

“I love you… so much.” You gasped and he nodded. “I love you more, mi cielo.”

Tags: @pllao@itzsab@smo66y@misswonderfrojustice@cyberbugg@jollybananaqueen@eeryyy@nightma @topreice @poppyflower-22@yoonlith@miragemurder@ihateuguys@knoxx-seresinbradshaw @minaxcarter @autismsupermusicalassassin @migueloharaslxt @mintqueenjo@chshiresins @um-well @kxszy@miguelswifey04@mushy-mushroom04@tymns@oxrchd @mimiamma2002 @allysunny @ruletarts

#miguel spiderverse #miguel x reader #miguel o’hara smut #miguel o’hara #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel spiderman #angst #miguel o'hara #miguel smut #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara fluff #miguel fluff

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ao3commentoftheday · 6 months

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It probably is going to sound very contradictory, but I had to say it because your blog is the only place I can say it out loud.

I've been writing for years and I don't crave for popularity or attention for what I write. Too much attention whether it's good or bad makes me uncomfortable. Still I want my work to be recognized a little bit more because for all the hard work and tears that goes in the writing ends up being rewarded with a terribly lukewarm response, which is disheartening. I've always written for the smaller fandoms where you could count readers and writers on your fingers, but then I got into a big fandom, and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post something because the debate about the characters going ooc is too always a valid one. For my 10 chapter fic I only have 50 something kudos and a handful of comments, 3 of whom are my friends who read every chapter and kudo'd as guests. I know the stats shouldn't matter, but after investing myself into the story and the characters, getting negligible response is hurtful. I've even gotten some hate and rude comments from some people.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who feels insecure about their writing, so I don't think someone not reading my stories is because something is wrong with me or my work. But then I read other fics where writers added the note that this was the first fic in this fandom and they have more readers even on their one shots. The numbers even go to 200-400 kudos and many, many comments.

I don't know how to stop feeling this way or what to do to let go of these contradictory feelings where I neither want too much attention nor do I want my work to have almost zero readers in the fandom. But I'm quite shameless (determined?) so I'll still write what I am writing even if it's just one reader reading it. Even then, the lack of readership will still be hurtful at the end of the day, no matter what I tell myself.

*hugs* I get it. I've been there. I probably still am there, if I'm honest, except I rarely post anything in public spaces these days.

What you're feeling isn't unreasonable and it's not contradictory because what you're feeling isn't about popularity or even readership when it comes right down to it. It's not about numbers. It's about an acknowledgement of the effort that you've put in.

You've worked hard and you want that to be recognized. If you did that in the workplace, your boss or coworker would tell you you'd done a great job. If you did that at home, your family or roommate would thank you for the work you'd put into making that home look nice or making a meal to feed everyone.

In online spaces, however, the only way to get that recognition is through popularity. Either that, or through an established community. Right now, you have a few friends who you can rely on to read your work and respond to it. But right now, it also seems like that isn't enough in some way. Again, that's totally fair and understandable.

For me, that happened when I was putting more energy into my fic than I actually had available to me. I was working 60 hour weeks at two jobs and under a lot of personal stress, and fic was my escape so I wrote and posted a lot of it. But writing still takes effort, and it still takes time, and there's a huge emotional component to all of the work you put in, and when your time and your energy are low and your emotions are already a bit fraught... When you're pouring out of a nearly empty cup, you really need someone to come by with a refill.

I don't really have much in the way of advice here. What I did was stop posting publicly and just start writing with my bestie in a private RP discord server. That's not a solution that's going to work for everyone. What I will say is, figure out what it is that you need and then figure out a way to get it. Whether you can get it online, whether you can get it on AO3 is going to be up to you.

#asks and answers

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blooming-magic-glimpse · 10 days

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Beginner/ Intermediate /Advanced witch...What does it even mean ?

So, I have reached the point in my witchcraft practice where I am craving for something more. I recently finished a 5 months mentorship, which taught me a lot, and now I have really been meaning to create a magic routine for myself in order to go deeper and grow my skills. I then started looking for "intermediate" witchcraft resources, where i was surprised to find...

Nearly nothing. There is almost no resources on witchcraft that are not beginner-oriented. So, that kind leaves the question, what does it mean to not be a beginner anymore ? And how do you keep growing from there ?

Where even is the line ?

My first thought was " when did it even stop to be a beginner in the first place ?!". Which, true, valid question. I started witchcraft in 2021, but since then, I have dabbed more than once into practices that are considered more "advanced" by certain people. Let's see:

dream work : I have been doing dream interpretation since I was 12, and lucid dreaming since I was 8...

Astral projecting: had my first accidental experience at age 11, and definitely did it again on accident many time since then

hexes : I have done a few of them in the last couple years, and don't necessarily feel called to do more soon...

developing clairs: one of the first skills I developed at the beginning of my journey

shadow work: same thing

I saw an advice on trying to do a bigger spell, where i could use all of my knowledge into one ritual, and even though it is in fact a good idea, isn't that only applicable to myself ? What would it look like in a ceremonial witch ? Or a spoonie witch with more struggles than me ?

Even though i did take the advice, i'm still left to wonder...

How do I go from there ?

And that is the point I am at today.

I have a bit of a budget in order to get new tools, so i'm thinking a lot about it. Books, tools, decks... What do i do ? What do I start ?

I write new things in my grimoire, try new spells or new ways of doing old spells, connected with new things, wrote down many new potential routines... Tomorrow, my practice may look completely different from today ! I do not fear trying, failing, researching again and trying again. I know myself, and my practice of tomorrow will be a blessing to who I am tomorrow, I remain loved, loving and authentic.

#beginner witch #intermediate witch #advanced witch #witchcraft #baby witch #witchblr #spellwork #witch practice #miaro speaks

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antitheticaally · 15 days

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Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!

tagged by the wonderful wonderful @asteria-argo

Wow hi everybody I know I vanished off the face of tumblr for a good 6 months, and I'm hesitant to say I'm "back" but... hi!

1. How many fandoms have you written in?

Well, I've written in a lot of fandoms over the years (almost everything I've ever hyperfixated on I've written fic for), but I've only ever published in one. As you all know, it is my one and only Ted Lasso fic. I've written a lot for Buffy the Vampire Slayer - that's probably the other big one, and then I definitely wrote some Percy Jackson fics in my youth, as well as *sigh* so much Harry Potter at the age of like, 10. But those are all (thankfully) buried in the recesses of my google drive and will never see the light of day.

2. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I think I probably wrote my first "fic" around the age of 6 or 7, and I'm 21 now, so... 15-16 years? Wow.

3. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I definitely read wayyyy more than I write. When I'm really into something I can go through like, 3 fics a day, but it's a lot harder for me to write consistently.

4. What is one way you've improved as a writer?

My grammar and just like, use of language and developing my own style has improved immensely just from writing for soooo long. I think I've definitely found my own voice whereas, when I was younger, I used to kind of take on the tones of other writers I liked. I've also gotten a lot more confident in sharing my writing, especially since I joined tumblr and published something in the last year. That doesn't exactly have to do with the quality of the writing itself, but like, the relationship I have with what I write.

5. What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Oh boy, well, I did a lot of football research when I was writing for Ted Lasso, because I am not a sports girly. But back in middle/high school when I was super into Buffy I ended up doing a weird amount of research on 17th century England for some AU thingy I was working on. I think I still have the notes on that haha

6. What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I love all comments, because I crave validation way too much. But long ones especially. Like, when people go through and pick out all their favorite bits and lines and take the time to tell me how much they like them... it's very Special To Me. <3

7. What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

Hmm.... I feel like I'm lowkey kind of basic in terms of what tropes I write... But I guess I write a lot of stuff that focuses mainly on like, friendship and platonic love and intimacy and usually not a lot of romance, which, like, I've found a niche of people who love that shit for sure, but I guess maybe it's not asssss common? Idk

8. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Oh god I can't write happy. I literally have never successfully written a story where nothing goes wrong. How?

9. What is the easiest type?

Angst. But like, angst with with comfort. Is it projection? Is it being a psychology student? We'll never know.

10. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

I'm a google docs girly through and through. I do have a notebook that I jot down drafts in a lot of the time, but if I'm typing its on google docs. As for where and when... basically anywhere private. So, anywhere within my room. I can't write if there's even a smidgen of a chance that someone could walk by and peek at my computer screen. If I'm super into writing something I'll work on it all day, but unfortunately for my sleep schedule, most of my ideas come to me at 12 am when I'm trying to go to sleep.

11. What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

Honestly, at this point, I'll write almost anything as long as I think I can do it in a tasteful and respectful way. But there was a while where I was terrified of writing anything sexual or "smutty", I've kind of gotten past that as I've embraced my sexuality a lot more, and I have written sexual content. None of it is published, because a lot of it is from original short stories or older fics, and because I usually write platonic relationships, but I've done it!

12. What made you choose your username?

Aahaha... this is actually the second iteration of my tumblr username. A lot of you previously knew me as @antitheticallyargumentative, which came from a Taylor Swift song. I am a huge Swiftie, which I haven't realllly talked about on here, but I love her music and lyricism a lot. So the username came from a line in a song that was "argumentative, antithetical dream girl", and I just thought it was kind of fun so I messed around with it a bit and eventually came up with "antitheticallyargumentative." Then I revamped my account and shortened it a bit. So yeah.

I do not know whose already been tagged or whose already done it so.... whoever sees this... go ham.

Love ya!

#heyyyy guys #long time no see #tag games #thank you for tagging me even though I literally haven't been active in ages #fanfic #about me #maisie speaks #ask games #ted lasso #buffy the vampire slayer #taylor swift #i've forgotten how to tag tbh

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444jiya · 9 months

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i was seven.

i've always craved attention for as long as i remember,

since i was a little kid who was loud, and friendly to even now when i am a teenager, who's quiet, and nervous.

i suppose everybody craves attention in one way or another. everybody wants validation and to be recognised.

which is why i try so hard in school. i try so hard to rise above other students and get the best grades. admittedly, i am nowhere near that top spot in my year group - but i still do want it. still do crave it.

to yearn for validation was always something i needed. always something i wanted.

the power of getting validation was almost intoxicating - in a way i never imagined it to be.

i think the constant reassurance i want stems from the roots of my past: it stems from my family, from the household i grew up in.

or more specifically, one event.

the age of 7. seven.

seven like the taylor swift song.

seven like the mystery film.

seven like the age.

i was in year 2. i was a child. in school we were learning how to spell words that had weird endings,

i was learning to pass my SAT's,

i was learning about animals,

i was learning how to grow.

my dad had become angry at me for refusing to get off the carpet whilst he used the carpet cleaner machine to remove some stains.

even to this day, i can recall the way the hot water shot out the machine, causing steam to emit and fog up the room.

to this day, i can remember my dad shouting at me to get off the floor or else he would use that machine on me.

'he's bluffing'. i told myself as i continued watching my tablet on the floor laying down on my stomach.

when he did roll up my t-shirt, revealing my back and sprayed me with the carpet cleaner, leaving a red burn mark, i told myself that it wasn't real.

told myself my dad wouldn't hurt me on purpose.

but the way i jolted up as i felt the burn on my back and ran to my mum to show her, sobbing and wailing from the pain, reminded me that it was all too real.

the pain ached horrifyingly; mirroring the ache in my heart.

i was seven.

to this day, i remember never getting an apology for that.

to this day, i know he doesn't regret doing it.

the next day at school, i felt my back ache. it ached and ached and ached.

i reveal the burn to my teachers, unaware of the consequences.

i reveal the truth of what happened, unaware of the consequences.

the following days at school insisted of me constantly being taken out of lessons, talking to multiple adults who wrote everything i said down.

even when i came home from school a few days later with a police car outside my house did i not understand the grave consequences of my actions.

even when the policeman explained to my parents what i had told the school did i not understand the consequences of my actions.

it wasn't until the policeman left, and my dad struck me across the face did i truly realise the consequences of my actions.

i was seven.

everything after that was a blur.

a fuzzy, blurry memory that lives in the back of my mind, longing to be remembered.

everything after that is now a distant memory. memories i now want to dig back up.

memories i want - no, demand - justice for.

i lied to my teachers telling them my dad did it as an accident, and i craved validation, so i twisted the truth.

twisted the truth because i was a good-for-nothing liar.

a time-wasting liar.

a needy liar.

a liar.

i was seven.

only now, do i realise how differently my life could've turned out if i just spoke up. had i just decided to stick with the truth, maybe i could've grown up differently.

grown to not crave validation.

grown to not need constant reassurance.

grown to mature properly.

but then again,

i was seven,

and the lies twisted the truth.

the lies twisted me.

i was only seven.

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #creative writing #books #angst #reading #childhood #tw abuse #this is so bad #im feeling silly #i apologise for this #serious post #seriously can social services aim to be better???#lool

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some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat · 3 months

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I find it important to have an open view of the world and take in and consider opinions of others that differ from my own.

Agreed yes. I assume this is in response to my confusion about the poll in this post? It's the only post I can find from last night (when this anon was sent but I was on mobile and going to bed so I didn't see it until now) that seems relevant so I will proceed under that assumption.

This is a very valid reason to stay on my blog while disagreeing with me! I hope my own perspectives can help enrich yours whether you agree or not! It didn't occur to me to interpret "you're straight up wrong" that way (but that may be my own fault for not including a more fitting option, I wrote the poll on my way to bed iirc and mostly thinking people were either uninterested or found me annoying so it isn't my most carefully thought out poll), I assumed everyone who disagreed saw no value in my takes, so it confused me they'd neither leave nor complain or correct me. But if the disagreement in itself holds value, that makes total sense!

Thank you for explaining this!

You don't owe me any engagement with my opinions of course, nor to satisfy my craving for attention and feedback, but I am still very curious in what ways people disagree, so if you want to enrich my own perspective in return, I'd welcome it!

Thank you, have a nice day!

#ask the tooth folk #sfw #personal #anonymous #I hope this is coherent I'm very tired but I wanna answer this before I forget and a week passes along with any chance of getting a respons

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lavender-long-stories · 8 months

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Nari's Feral on Display Part 4

Disclaimer: Chapters mentioned by number are no longer that number Chapter 27 is now Chapter 13.

It punches really hard how she thought about what he had done for her because there she is thinking of him and Sasori still can't believe she gives a damn about him.

Sasori really acts like he is an unlovable monster while looking like a soft K-pop star.

You know I loved murder kitten Hinata.

Can you imagine if I called the technique fucking murder mittens?

I really wished she had exploded more guts

You just want the poor girl to have more trauma, don’t you?

I will love Hinata forever for threatening Itachi with... health care?

Itachi is like, how dare you treat me, doctor.

“I wasn’t planning on getting ambushed.” Kisame defended. “That is my point!" I'm actually laughing like a psychopath. The fucking foreshadowing.

>.> Oh no. What could that mean? We couldn’t possibly have a worse ambush where they left her too far from help and she got hurt… nooo….

Hinata putting up a fight AND MAIMING A SENIOR CITIZEN

Not me dying at this being said when I fucking wrote the scene, and that is what I had her do.

HINATA TOSSING SASORI OVER HER SHOULDER LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES

I love the visual you have painted.

Hinata worked her fucking ass off to keep Sasori alive because she cared about him, she needed him, she owed him. He learned how to maim and kill because of him. He must have meant SO MUCH to her and... did he even know? I mean, he was surprised she even tried, he didn't want her to hurt herself saving him, THIS IS PEAK DRAMA.

Sasori and Hinata in the story have my whole heart for this section of the story because their relationship is so lovely yet so tragic. Sasori is so resistant to trusting her but falls so hard but holds back from ever telling her because he thinks he closed that door years ago when he became a puppet. Hinata gives her whole heart and care because she craves the validation and acceptance that she gets from all of them, especially him because he invested so much time into arguing with her to understand her, and she recognizes that if he didn’t care, he would just ignore her and his badgering and bickering is how he shows love and… GAH they are just really just so tragic.

Because as far from human as Sasori is, he feels, and he loves, and he longs. His skin might not be soft to the touch, but he feels something so tender inside of him at times, and he just doesn't know what to do with this shit.

Can you imagine if Sasori x Hinata was end game and when she wanted to show him affection, she puts her hand over his heart because she knew he could feel it and he was the only one who would trust her to get near it? T-T

I really wished you had talked about Sasori's humanity and what humanity might mean to him, because he wished for immortality and after having it for so long it really weighed on him when he met Hinata and this is so fucked up.

Do you really want me to kill you with that conversation? I think it would kill you to have them talk about it.

When Hinata told him he was her family and that no one wanted her and all he said was "you are too emotional", I really think he wasn't talking only about her. He is emotional about her too and he doesn't know how to deal. And Hinata doesn't understand him at all, and she still cares about him so much it hurts.

I am slowly being convinced that I should just write a spin-off from this point in the story where Hinata doesn’t save Sasuke, so she ends up with Sasori.

Sasori is mostly commenting about her here, about her being too emotional, but he realized that though it is something he would usually hate, in her, it’s something that he loves, something he wants to cling to. He doesn’t want to admit that he wanted her to care enough to come save him. He thought he would die, and that would be his be his cynical confirmation that his love was one-sided.

It kind of is funny, because I don't think he wanted to go away. If he did is becayse feelings are confusing, and feelings are a nuisance when you're trying to be an immortal in peace.

But Sasori was so done (angry as a consequence of concern, yeehaw) with Hinata reaching her limit for him he even brought Itachi up. This is peak cinema.

After this point, where he accepts that Hinata does care about him enough to put herself in harm's way, he becomes a lot softer and shows outwardly that he cares if she gets hurt, not just that she doesn’t die as his teammate and their medic (like he would say if asked when he took her to Suna.)

Meaning Sasori heard everything she said. FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK.

Yeah think about the fact he was there to hear her crying over him… the whole time. Whatever worries she mumbled and whatever she pleaded to keep him alive because she was desperate he would have heard all of that too. WELL, until the next one. :D

Lavender Clouds

Pairing: Sasuke x Hinata Rating: T

Description: Hinata runs away from home into the arms of the Akatsuki. Bonds with Itachi. Saves his brother. Learns to reverse Gentle Fist. Raises a demon baby?

@nikandrros

#SasuHina #sasuke x hinata #Sasuke Uchiha #hinata hyuga #naruto fanfiction #comment highlight #nari i blame you #lavender clouds

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mentalisttraceur · 6 months

Text

Y'all ever get just like, very jealously possessive of your followers?

No? Hopefully not, hopefully you don't have my emotional damage.

I, however, am blessed with the hell of occasionally slipping into a state of being validated/"fed" by a follower and attached to having them that way, so then seeing them interact with any blog I don't see as basically part of a very loyal-to-me/aligned-with-me in-group causes me to instantly emotionally be... like:

No. Bad. Wrong. Angry. Why would you betray me like this? How could you let them influence you? Tainted. Cannot trust again. At least not until proven that my influence is strictly stronger and takes precedence. Maybe I can scrub it out of you? What post or private interaction can I do to scrub it out of you!? How do I make you cleanly exclusively mine again? Why do you not see their errors and flaws? I do not like that you don't see how much Worse they are! (You might as well be on their side now. Part of their tribe. *shudder* Theirs. You will side with them. You will eagerly give them what I want or need from you, but not me, especially not if you had to pick. In the end you will go with them over me. I cannot trust you to do otherwise in any time that it actually matters to me.)

...

I think it's time to acknowledge that I actually have two root insecurities. The one I've already identified years ago and wrote about extensively, summarized as "when others are wrong, I am not safe", and what I've written out in that parenthetical above.

I think for a long time I kinda convinced myself that the latter only mattered because of the former... Or I just forgot about it in the focus on my other issues. But the latter truly does stand alone.

Because even without any of the wrong -> unsafe learned predictions/fear, it's there. My desire/need to bond is more fundamental/primal than assessment of wrongness or rightness. It craves the satisfaction of having people who I like and want reliably on my side and available for what I want with them, and it doesn't give a fuck if the person getting that instead is righter or better in every way so there's no unsafety.

In fact, it hates that. When someone isn't in wrong, not in any way at all, that is was the one thing that kept it from the only angle of resolution it had available for most of my life, due to

lack of genuine deep confidence (until very recently I did not believe/know I could be so attractive, good in the relevant ways, and earning of love/loyalty that I don't even need to worry about losing to others to the point of being left unfulfilled), and due to

me not permitting any of my selfish and unempathetic cognition any room to move for like a decade, since as a teen I went hard into being an ethics sperg to supply my narcissism needs through the moralistic path until just... like five years ago (which left no self-acceptable way to win except ethical merit or stuff compatible with it, which of course required pushing my ethics values/rules onto everyone else in the unacknowledged motivation to beat them at my own game instead of whatever actually made them more appealing than me to others).

Anyway, I guess I'm finally ready to see it this way, because I've worked through all the other pieces. I have embraced and integrated and accepted the all the selfish and not-empathetic-enough stuff in me as valid parts of the whole that I should let influence things, so I am free of the internal hard-line stuff that was getting in the way of even seeing myself clearly. But more importantly, I now have the confidence, I have the axiomatic self-worth core and the evidence that I can indeed get everything I want.

#my root insecurity #mentalisttraceur personal #moralistic narcissism #ethics #sperg

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wgc-productions · 7 months

Text

Liveblogging Small Victories 101: A Good Place To Start

Howdy!

I'm Jade the writer and creator of Small Victories and I am, fun fact, writing Season 3 as we speak. Season 3 will be the final season and, due to this, will need to wrap up the various plot threads I've put in Season 1 and Season 2.

I technically wrote Season 1 about 3-5 years ago now and hopefully, with new eyes, i'll be able to go back, find the things I've forgotten, and use those to expand the story and world.

I will say, I had a lot of ideas thrown around in the first two seasons. Somethings I just did not comit to, but still left enough room so that if I wanted to go back to them I could. I don't know how it will look in the end, but in the present it looks like a world of opportunity.

So, the blogs here will be highly-story focused, because this is essentially me taking notes as a larger function of my creative process.

Thus, we begin!

00:46- So, from the offset I wanted this monologue in the show. This is one of the few parts from the very very first draft that stayed the entire time in the show, though it did get split in half and suffered some serious cuts in the edit. I will say, because this show's underlying structure is cyclical, I think having elements of this popping the final season could be great.

00:56- I do want the final monologue of the show to be a sort of response to the ideas and attitudes she has in this one. In particular the "me, myself, and motherfucking, I" part is something I think needs to be readdressed because, of course, as the show goes on we see that Marisol desperately wants to be apart of a group and thus her insistence that she can do things on her own is more of a defense rather than an ideology she actually believes. Having a chance to have her respond to this could be a great place to display character growth.

1:19- In the second episode of Season 3 I have a moment where she is at the porch of her [REDACTED] house and she is smoking and talking to the Host and she, sorta to herself, mentions that it is a really beautiful day. This is what I meant when I said I want the last season to be a response to the other seasons because I think in this season 1 monologue a lot of the posturing is a performance meant for the audience, but her saying it quietly to herself as a way of showing that she is realizing that it truly is a beautiful day to be alive? That has the sort of completeness that I'm aiming for, because I think that is what makes a show feel full and finished.

1:36- Maybe we'll bring back Carl as the biking stranger. That'd be a deep cut.

2:02- I don't think I want Aaron back in the show. I think Episode 205 Decadence is where his story should end for Marisol. He serves as a mirror for her anyway, and so seeing that he gets to be a happy person who has a life full of meaning might be all that his character needs to serve.

3:06- I feel like something structurally can be done with the introduction/content warnings and finding a way to turn it on it's head to show Marisol growing away from the validation she craves from the audience and finding more steady footing within herself could be nice.

3:30- Fun fact, we recorded this line about a day or so before the show premiered. It sounds so natural you wouldn't even know.

04:04- Yeah, the Ollie Problem. So their relationship needs to be repaired in a big way. The way that I'm thinking about it now is that she is reluctant to tell Oliver that she is sorry because she is really ashamed of what she said to him (you know how it goes when you've done something really regrettable and you're so embarrassed and ashamed that you sort of wish you never had to speak about it ever again) but then Oliver comes back in town and they meet and she apologizes and then they have a sort of heart to heart. There is something juicy in the fact that Marisol, being so wrapped up in herself, also struggles to be a good friend to someone who also lost the same person. Sort of like how her father couldn't cope with her mother's death and so he couldn't help his kids grieve and then everyone ended up more messed up. (That's good! Marisol's dad is also a big foil for her and that's one more connection. Man this writing your thoughts out thing is really working).

04:26- Maybe I can have a sequence where Marisol imagines apologizing to Oliver (using this same background music) and she imagines it being worse than it actually will be. That could be fun.

04:57- Well, I don't want her to relapse in Season 3 again, because I think that would obscure from her character development.

05:18- Maybe Marisol can have a moment when she realizes and admits that she is a cokehead? Maybe she already had that in Season 2. I'll circle back on this one. I think she's already admitted it.

05:36- Marisol has anxiety which gets worse when she smokes weed. That could be something to work with.

05:52- Maybe we can have a moment where she acknowledges that she does sometimes think being high is being better than being sober and so she has to reckon with the idea that she has to build a life that's better than the fog?

06:12- So, as I'm writing Season 3 this little bit about imagining a better life comes back in a big way. I already re-referenced it in the season 1 finale where she tells the Host after the fake out that she does desperately want all of the things that she knows her brother and mother would want for her. That she wants that ideal future, she just doesn't have the internal oomph to get her there, but in Season 3 I think I can go further with it. Right now my idea is that Season 3 is sort of like a ghost story where she is not only haunted by the past (obviously since she is at [REDACTED] house) but she is also haunted by the future (which I think is universal. I think a lot of people my age feel they have this potential to do great things or even just be happy and they see what that end goal looks like but they aren't sure how to get there).

06:44- Oh! So in Season 2 the impulse of death follows Marisol throughout the season coming to a conclusion in episode 209. Right, so the whole show from the minute 110 begins to the end of 208 is pushing her to die, like it's a shadow that was following her. So I could do the opposite where from the end of 209 to the end of the show, the impulse of life is following her compelling her to live?

06:45- Also, there is the broader structural framing that I could use in Season 3 as well. Like, each season starts with a "death" (i.e. the S1 point of action is her almost choking to death, the S2 point of action is her surviving the stabbing, the S3 point of action is her surviving her attempt) and each season ends with a rebirth (i.e. S1 she decides she is going to be sober and embrace a new lifestyle, S2 she is given new life by The Stranger, in Season 3 she will be returning to her [REDACTED] house and reforming herself. So maybe for the rest of Season 3 we can turn that on it's head?

07:06- The Nina problem is also something I wanna swing back around on in a big way. I've actually already written the final scenes between them because I have a clear idea of where I want to go I'm just not quite sure how to get there.

07:55- So she decided to paint a self-portrait. That could go well with the Season 2 Episode 5 final scene where Marisol sees that Nina is working on a new portrait collection. Yeah, we'll make that work.

10:22- And I'm already trying to doing something with that connection between Marisol's lack of sobriety and it's relationship to her cooking (which I came up with when writing the Small Victories cookbook) so that is something that already has some ground in the show. That's good.

12:43- I can use this device again of her imagining talking to her friends/family/etc. That could be great. Maybe as a pre-cursor to her interactions to Nina's scenes.

14:56- Hey! I can bring that back. Oliver wants Marisol to make an effort for them and I think that could be a good thing to ground the relationship. Marisol making the effort could be where the rebuilding starts.

Okay, I think I got some good ideas out of this. At the very least I got some broad strokes that can be very helpful as I figure out how to navigate the next episodes I am writing. I will say this is giving my broad structure ideas and not plot ideas for real. It does remind me of how far I want the character to go though and what sort of distinctions need to be made in order to communicate growth

#small victories #small victories podcast #audio drama #fiction podcast #audio fiction #smallvictories #writing #small victories liveblog #Spotify

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hella1975 · 1 year

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hi okay so, this is a piece of shitty poetry i wrote just now after thinking about your protrayal of zuko (again) and wanted to share bc im a dumb bitch who craves validation and needs to know what you think of this. and if i put a little too much of myself into it in the process, and it became more about my weird relationship with being trans than zuko, it's irrelevant, dont ask questions! it was about zuko initially and i still think it can kinda be applied to him so thats all that matters!! pls forgive the lack of capitalisation, its turned off on my phone and im too lazy to change it :,)

(you dont have to read the next part but if u finish the poem and think it sucks it will explain why lmfao)

BUT FIRST, i need to clarify that ive never written poetry in my life, i know nothing about writing, and my punctuation is definitely all over the place. this whole thing for sure sucks but i have an excuse!! a flimsy one, sure, but still an excuse! im 16 and dont remember ever actually learning gow to write, or all about punctuation or any of that jazz. this is more of a stream of consciousness than a poem. and its just a rough draft so, very unfinished too!! so if u really dont like it that will explain why. basically the point of this whole paragraph is just to tell you that im dumb but im also terrified so please be nice to me bc i will cry and that is a threat! (if im starting to sound hysterical and like im spiralling its bc i am okay pls ignore it)

okay so enough excuses, here she is:

this deep, harsh, incessant feeling of shame harbouring in the bottom of my gut is to me, what roots are to a tree,

solid, strong, and stable,

intertwined with my bones and rooted within my very being.

it feeds me and mother me, swaddling me like an infant and rocking me to sleep from within its familiar, welcoming grasp.

I need it for survival, so integral in my very existence that ripping us apart would destroy all thats left within me.

But yet, we are so very unlike that beautiful symbiosis that the root and plant achieve,

that sweet, simple promise, void of all evil, so pure and light that it, He speaks vengefully about it, spitting sour words into my face and whispering harsh lies into my ears.

Our promise is not so gentle. it solely benefits Him, throwing all of me into the dirt and replacing him with a new unidentifiable creature, borne of self hatred and a need to become something, anything else. a dire need to detach myself from everything ive ever been and anything i could possibly become.

He is a parasite, a horrible looming creature, a cruel beast, making me cower in fear within my own, wretched body. He is cruel, intent on toppling the civilisation i spent so long building, the kingdom of my ego, my heart, my emotion; while i sit, and i watch, and i do nothing.

i may need Him to push the breathe from my lungs and carry the blood through my veins, but, He does not need me. He will never need me. im merely another of his children, an effortlessly replaceable thing. a shameful, ugly creature that He does not care for. that He does love. that He does not need. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me.

anonstie i absolutely adored this you cant write something with the theme of shame written with visceral nature imagery and expect me not to go stupid crazy. the way it starts so structured and delicate just to end with that hysterical repetition like it's all falling apart and i LOVE your wording of things, like 'our promise is not so gentle' is such a sick line. im obsessed with this tysm for sending it me!

#as a writer who also never properly got taught anything and had to figure everything out alone i am GRABBING you by the shoulders rn #this is so good and there was no need to be so doubtful of yourself! i hope you keep writing :)#ask

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letterstomonkey · 2 years

Text

Driveway

Cemented stones imprinted

With child size fingerprints

Decorate the

Driveway’s edge,

Coming home,

Coming here.

Dead grass never kept

Up with, never

Cared for left to

Lengthening as

Long as my baby hairs,

Coming home,

Coming here.

Pulling into this driveway,

You wrote me letters

And you kept them

Safe and out of sight:

Handwritten prose

A mother who loved me so,

Unconditionally,

Here I wonder if

Your prose was clouded

By hormones,

Buried beneath my

Driveway stone,

Forgotten in the fallout,

Lackluster in your tone,

Coming home,

Coming here.

Rusted mailbox overtaken

By weeds and vines

Tangling their way

Up out of the ground,

And I watched you clip them

Away, so no thorns could prick

Little fingerprints

Reaching in

For magazines and letters

Overdue bills I fell

To the dirt, your fetter

Endlessly sorry,

I won’t do it again,

I promise and I promise

To be good again,

Coming home,

Coming here.

Barefoot in the driveway

You capture me on

Flip phone film

Playing me ringtones

On repeat

Music for my little feet

To dance to,

Your eyes sparkled

At the sight of me

Dancing in the driveway

Back when I still believed

Coming home, meant

Coming here.

Suddenly these bare feet

They step farther than

Cemented stones reach

Farther from

Where maternal sights may see

And you are silent

A hawk perched high above me,

Letting my mistakes

Override your heartache

Soulfully longing for these

Feet to once again

Dance in the driveway

And never step foot out

Again, so you are not left

To wonder if tonight I might be

Coming home,

Coming here.

My idealisms

Precede me

Loosely I let my heart

Lead me

Away from the driveway

You set out for me

To play,

Oh and I would come home

To you as quickly as my

Little feet could run on

Reckless driveway

If one day

You were not so cold

To my returning approach

Leaving my stone

Of communication

Unturned, you’re unphased

But you see it in my face

That I crave more from this place

Than silent freezing shoulders

When I am

Coming home,

Coming here.

I gave you my words

For Mother’s Day,

These childlike fingerprints

Now big enough to tell stories

With this pen,

Scarred in many places,

But here I wrote you my heart

And my truth and I spoke

From the light of the

Driveway that led to my youth,

“Home is where the heart is”

Across the title page,

You saved it,

And you framed it,

And you gave me crumbs of praise,

Stringing my little

Fingerprints

Along your blankest stare,

I craved more validation

As you traced my truth

In quiet contemplation,

Did I finally earn

Your love yet?

Coming home,

Coming here.

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thebreakfastgenie · 1 year

Note

apologies if any of these have been done already but 💥🎉🤍

Sorry for the delay, tumblr ate my response, but I got it back.

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

I had a lot of fun adapting Supernatural characters into teachers. The core teachers are the Horseman; Death is the English teach, Mr. Mort, who only assigns books related to death. Other characters are in a different English class, taught by fangirl Becky, who makes her students do fandom style homoerotic subtext analysis and honestly I still think that's hilarious now. The history teacher is War, Mr. Guerre, and he teaches exclusively about war, the bloodier the better. In this AU, Dean and Cas meet when Cas saves him from a fight, and I wrote: “My name is Castiel, and I am the one who just saved your ass.” And honestly I think that was pretty good, as far as AUing that line goes. All in all, this fic (what I wrote of it) is really... prettty decent? I mean, a lot of the writing makes me cringe, but not like I expected it to. I wrote it in 2016, when I was 16. My fic with the second-least kudos is Wake at 23, which I think is mostly because it's the most recent. I love Wake. I wrote a lot of it at 3am and I knew there were typos in it and I avoided looking at it for a couple of weeks, but when I finally did, it actually needed way less work than I thought. I basically just fixed typos and a couple sentences that didn't make sense because it was 3am but it was clear what I meant to say, and did minimal editing otherwise. I'm really happy with the writing quality on that one!

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

I celebrate when I actually complete & post, which isn't often. I don't usually do much, but I do enjoy it and feel good about it. I always give myself credit! I wouldn't say I seek validation from others; I crave feedback and engagement, I want a response, but it's not validation I'm looking for. There have been a couple times I wanted to post a fic on a particular day, and for life reasons had to post things a bit rough, and I don't always give myself enough credit for finishing in those cases, but I'm working on it. Celebrating mostly looks like me sitting in my room feeling satisfied, but when I actually complete and post ghost AU I'm going to buy a bottle of wine or something.

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

Wake started out as kind of an exercise in deconstruction, but it became a story in its own right and I think it's better for it. The intended message of Wake was to show BJ feeling uncomfortable now that he was back in the life he'd spent so long dreaming of, feeling as though he doesn't fit, that he no longer belongs in his home, feeling distant from Peg who's the person he's supposed to feel closest to, not recognizing himself and worrying he's not the person he's supposed to be, and then showing all those feelings as being his fears, not the truth. It's all a part of his trauma and his brain is lying to him. I said this about this fic before, but he doesn't really wake up until Peg wakes him up by joining him in the kitchen. BJ sitting alone feeling alienated is part of the nightmare. It mirrors Peg's nightmare, where he comes home but she can't recognize him (haha I totally did that on purpose....). But there's one line in particular in this fic: BJ and Hawkeye, awake in the small hours, listening for choppers, and the war might as well have not ended at all, because not a damn thing had changed. I'm not sure people realized this was a bad thing. It's not negative on Hawkeye and BJ's friendship generally, but the point is that they have to let go of how they were during the war, if they want to wake up from the nightmare (and maybe Hawkeye already has; we don't know, because he doesn't appear here, only BJ's fantasy of him). BJ is clinging to Hawkeye as someone who understands, but he needs to let go. BJ calling Hawkeye at a normal hour to talk to his friend would be good; BJ calling Hawkeye here would be bad, and it's a good thing that he chooses not to. I was worried about people not getting the BJ scene in hills like white elephants. I think the part where Hawkeye suspects BJ figured out what he did but they don't discuss it for safety reasons is pretty clear. I hope so. I was concerned about that scene coming off too Hawkeye/Margaret, because I was worried people would think BJ thought Hawkeye was or might have the father, or that I was implying that. I'm very much against that interpretation of the canon version of this episode, because I think Hawkeye's role is more meaningful without that implication, and I feel that way tenfold about this fic. I don't want any implication that Hawkeye gave Margaret an abortion because he was somehow involved in her pregnancy. He did it because she needed one and that's it. However, despite all my fears, no one seems to have misinterpreted that scene! What a relief!!

#ty ally!! <3

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gayestpiano · 1 year

Text

thoughts on self improvement

a couple of weeks ago, my friend got a message from a guy who had ghosted her a full year ago. he apologized and said that he had needed time to work on himself. they started hanging out again and the crazy thing is she told me that he did genuinely seem better: he was more confident, more self-assured, had gotten into his hobbies, etc.

this was kind of an insane thing to hear because he had done what i’ve been wanting to do for years: actually bettered himself. this sent me on a string of revelations about myself and i think i’m on a serious road to self-improvement like he was.

i sussed these things out in therapy and here’s what i realized: everything i do is a performance. i most obviously perform when i post [redacted], but i also performed on my normal twitter account, trying to be cool and cultured and posting things i thought my followers would like. i perform when i’m at the grocery store. i perform when i go to bars (however rarely that might be). i perform when i’m hanging out with friends. i’m the funny one so i was unconsciously always thinking of something funny to say to make people laugh but also to get them to validate me. i even perform in therapy.

my therapist asked me who the performance is for and the answer is sort of complicated: it’s for both others and for myself. i want others to perceive me in a certain way so i perform that for them. but when they laugh at my jokes or say nice things to me, that validates me in return so ultimately it comes back to me.

the thing is, though, that it’s sort of an empty validation. it’s not really a validation of me, it’s a validation of the performance. instead of being a person, i was craving applause after a play. i didn’t want people to like me, i wanted them to like the performance i was putting on. (i deactivated my twitter that night because not only was it a cesspool but i didn’t even enjoy what i was supposed to be enjoying.)

i’ve always tried to be an ideal version of myself to please whoever happens to be in my life. dressing how my friends told me was acceptable, tailoring my interests to match those of my peers, trying to get good grades to make my parents proud of me (notice how these aren’t necessarily bad things to want. this makes it harder to realize that i’m acting in others’ interests). i’ve noticed that i’ve basically never done anything purely for myself. it’s always in service of others or influenced by others. i’ve lost sight of who i actually am.

this is the scary part. i don’t really know who i am. i have to strip everything away and build myself from the ground up without the pressures of other people.

i’ve had some pretty bad body dysmorphia in my life and i’ve never really been happy with my body. i’ve wanted to be slim and toned for years. but now i’m starting to think about why i want that. it’s what i find attractive but how much of that is influenced by society and (more recently) gay culture?

this also ties in to my issues with executive dysfunction and lack of motivation. when there’s nobody around me to tell me what to do or, importantly, expect me to do things, i lose all motivation and interest.

i’m always afraid of giving myself credit for things because i don’t want people to think i’m conceited. i recently wrote down things i like about myself and it was genuinely hard to acknowledge my strengths as a person without a hint of irony.

this is why genuine self-improvement is so difficult. i’ve always heard people “working on themselves” without ever really acknowledging what that means. it’s difficult to consider what i thought were innate thought patterns and figure out if i’ve been influenced to think that way. to figure out what i actually want and then take steps to achieve that. to rethink what makes me “me.”

my therapist and i talked about re-framing my life to put me at the center rather than other people. doing things because i want to and not because i think others want me to. finally stopping the performance. this will be hard work but i’m up for the challenge.

#you absolutely do not have to read all of this #i just wanted to make an actual blog post for the first time literally ever

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thefloorisbalaclava · 1 year

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First of all, anon is 100% right about your writing. It kicks ass, I don't make the rules. It' still my inspiration to this day. Your writing always was amazing, it still is and always will be, continuously improving even when it seems almost impossible cause it's so good. Is there even a character you can't write? You always hit the nail on the head and it's mesmerising. And as much as I'm sorry to see you doubting such amazing content and knowing why this is a thing gives me violent urges, I'm so happy to see you enjoying writing again, as you should be 🫶

That being said, those words might have not been for me, not directly at least, but still hit me like a train. I'm more of an oc writer, I get most of my ideas in that regard and I can pour parts of myself into them to my heart's content. I barely post any complete writing with them, though, and I'm still far from finishing any full fanfiction that features them. It's a hard pill to swallow, but what blocks me is the mostly non existat interaction. The Deus Ex fandom might be small, but it treated me well and welcomed my oc quite warmly. It gave me some confidence about my characters and my character creating skills, but it quickly shattered as I approached bigger titles as time passed. It looks like most people aren't interested in oc writing, unless you also do a lot of x reader writing and so you have a...pubblic? My self esteem is frail, to say the least, so there's no doubt that inspiration and motivation are affected by all this. My x reader content, when I manage to write some, goes pretty well considering my smaller blog and how I don't publish often. Yet, my requests have been dead silent since the DE fandom went rather dormant. I only have hold ones that I still didn't manage to finish, after ages. But requests would help me write more x reader content, cause I would have ideas to work on. So what does all this lead to? "Why do you even try? You're not good enough". And I'm starting to think that's the real reason why I struggle to write regurarly. It's so easy to be kind to others and remind them what anon said to you, because it's absolutely true, but being kind to my own self? Good luck with that. Those words are true, but not when it comes to me. So, honestly, I know this feeling too well, way to well. But I'll try to take your advice and not let this get to me too much, not anymore, because in the end, deep down, I know you're right.

I don't even know why I'm writing this long ass rant, but thank you for the reminder, and sorry for getting carried away like this. Hope I'm not making you uncomfortable or anything can't find the right word damn it

Don't ever apologize for feeling what you feel and needing to talk about it! I think this feeling is widespread among a lot of creators whether they are writers, artists or gifmakers. We can yell "I do this for me!" all we want, but at the end of the day we are human and humans crave interaction.

I get annoyed with myself when I start comparing my work to someone else's. "What are they doing to get so many notes that I'm not?" Honestly, only like the first few fics I wrote when I first came back to the cod fandom have really garnered and interaction now it's like meh. Some days I'm like whatever and other days it's like "okay so it's happening again. am I doing something wrong? Does my writing suck?"

Like I said, all these feelings are valid. It especially hurts when you've worked your ass off on something to only get the bare minimum of interaction then you see another fic that comes across your dash that has 500+ notes and the person just posted it an hour ago.

I feel like I should be used to it by now, you know. But for some reason it never gets easier. I do hope you know that I look forward to your writing (if that means anything) and I appreciate and love you 💙💙💙

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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is it normal for low Fe to constantly question "am I justified in having this emotional reaction?" I was reading back a rant I wrote and at every point I express upset or hurt I seem to check myself and go "but am I reasonably justified in feeling this way, given that xxxx? does it make me a bad/toxic person for feeling upset when I know very well that xxxx?" I think I crave the validation of someone telling me that it's totally okay and normal to feel this way... and follow-up question, is it healthy to think like this??

It might be, but to be honest, I do this as a 6. Someone ticked me off the other day and I sent what they sent me to two friends (both 9s, so I know they wouldn't overreact) and asked, "Is this something that I should be upset about? Cuz I'm upset. Am I overreacting?" Both of them told me absolutely not, and I was justified to be mad about it. Both told me I had every right to be angry about it, because it was so inappropriate. And that made it okay -- and then I got over it and moved on with my day. I don't like overreacting or being emotional, because it makes me feel less logical and more vulnerable, which is why I suppress things. I hold onto that 6ish need to "use logic to keep safe." But my natural tendency is to get my feelings hurt.

There's a super-ego element in what you are talking about -- like you are checking yourself to make sure it's Okay to have these feelings and if you shouldn't have them, because of X circumstances, but knowing that someone is going through Y doesn't necessarily change how YOU feel about it. I can accept that a friend is having a rough time right now and still feel hurt at being ignored. Feelings do not make you bad or toxic; what you do about them is what might make you bad or toxic. It's one thing to feel resentment, and another to sabotage someone because you feel resentment.

Thinkers can often not be sure if they are overreacting as well, or if their feelings are normal, or even what they are feeling about this, so it sometimes catches them off guard. Some thinkers want to hear, "This is normal, you'll be fine," and others say that ticks them off.

I don't see any problem with questioning your emotions, provided you are allowing yourself to experience and manage them. If you think that this emotion is bad, then talk to yourself about why you think it's bad and what you can do with it to make it "good." But it's also important not to ignore your immediate reactions, because that's where the truth of your feelings lies. Yes, I am hurt. I am angry. I am jealous. React and think about it. You are 'justified' to feel what you feel, but also responsible for what you do about those feelings.

#question #mbti

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