444jiya

[444jiya]

who am i if not a stained bloody creation of your mistakes?

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #interpretation #interprete this how you want

[444jiya]

guilt & screams

i haven’t edited this so it is not great, but i wanted to write:

the guilt eats me alive

like i was a dead animal being eaten by vultures

except i’m the dead animal

the dead animal, defenceless

without my shield, my weapons, my words, my voice - i am completely and utterly defenceless

no matter how much time will pass, i can still hear the relentless screams in my head

they echo around my head as if i was stuck in a haunted house with ghosts

maybe one day it’ll get too much for me

and i’ll need to find a way to permanently dampen the screams that echo in my head and the guilt that eats me alive

but how could i do that?

though the screams terrorises me every night i lay in bed alone ; it’s the only time i can hear your voice

so i close my eyes a little tighter and curl up a little closer and let the screams play

i’ll listen to it until i fall asleep as if it’s some kind of sickening lullaby

some nights it won’t let me fall asleep though, because the screams sometimes decide to have the guilt to accompany it

the guilt that eats me alive

the guilt i cannot run from

because the guilt is like a vulture, eating small bits and pieces of me until i am just bone and skeleton and bones and skeleton and bones and bones and lots of bones

the guilt will eat me alive one day

i’ve found a way to silence the screams.

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #reading #books #spotify #im feeling silly #guilt #spilled words

[444jiya]

mommy will you promise to be there for me when the world is ending

when the world is over and there is no longer any more room for myself to live, will there forever be space in your heart for me?

when it is cold out and i have no jacket to shield me from the winds, will there be warmth within you to keep me safe?

mommy will you promise to be there for me when nobody else will

mommy will you promise to love me when nobody else will

will your heart always have room for me?

mommy i promise i’m small i don’t take up much room inside your heart

please save some room for me in your heart where it is warm and safe for me

#mother #momslove #a mothers love #love #family #writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #reading #books #spotify #im feeling silly #mitski

[444jiya]

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

— Mother Teresa

[444jiya]

“how did you get into writing” girl nobody gets into writing. writing shows up one day at your door and gets into you

[444jiya]

YOUR HEART LULLS ME BACK TO SLEEP LET IT BEAT FOR ONLY ME

I AM JUST ABOUT TO BEG YOU PLEASE

let your heart only beat for me

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #reading #books #poem #mitski #mitski heaven

[444jiya]

I was stuck in the space between terror and awe

[444jiya]

statue

i am a statue.

my fate insists of me standing every day continuously not being able to move just watching the world pass.

watching all the people and thinking, why can’t i be like them? free to move and to think - not restricted by the cement that is poured over my head freezing me in time.

the cement pours over my head, all at once as i get trapped in place. my face remains a dainty smile, my posture kind and polite. but my treatment is of every other woman.

people would stand next to me, taking photos, they place their hands upon myself, and i smile with them, not telling them if i feel uncomfortable.

i feel uncomfortable as their hands roam my body, but i am unable to utter a word.

they place their dirty hands onto my chest and laugh for the cameras. it is all a small joke to them. however, for me, my dignity is getting stolen. stolen out of my hands and crushed upon with every walking bystander who laughs a little more at the jokes too.

my body is a statue permanently quiet and still. my face is kind and polite. i keep my thoughts and opinions to myself.

i am a statue, unable to move. unable to voice my true opinion.

i am a statue.

nobody will care.

#Spotify #writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #reading #books #spotify #im feeling silly #statue #metaphor

[444jiya]

my love, mine, all mine.

if there's anything that's properly ever belonged to me,

it's my heart.

it's my enormous heart, enough to love an entire city.

my love for everything is so great.

my love for you, however, is greater.

i could never erase your words, for they were yours. and i could never erase your kisses for they were painted with your lips onto me when i was a plain white canvas: and, you were painted with permanency onto me.

irony laughs cruelly at the divergence of our situation. whilst both our eyes are a deep shade of brown - yours hold a look of hostility and malice. yet mine still hold a look of incompleteness for nobody knows me without you.

me without you is the definition of incompleteness.

you were once my love, mine, all mine.

nothing in this world belongs to me,

except my love for you.

#my love #my love mine all mine #mitski #writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #reading #spotify #books #mitski heaven #bro i lowk forgot how good mitski acc is #yay

[444jiya]

#i love u #billie eilish #this song is so mwah #this song #i wanna be married to this song #this song is my love #mwah mwah #kissy #Spotify

[444jiya]

i was seven.

i've always craved attention for as long as i remember,

since i was a little kid who was loud, and friendly to even now when i am a teenager, who's quiet, and nervous.

i suppose everybody craves attention in one way or another. everybody wants validation and to be recognised.

which is why i try so hard in school. i try so hard to rise above other students and get the best grades. admittedly, i am nowhere near that top spot in my year group - but i still do want it. still do crave it.

to yearn for validation was always something i needed. always something i wanted.

the power of getting validation was almost intoxicating - in a way i never imagined it to be.

i think the constant reassurance i want stems from the roots of my past: it stems from my family, from the household i grew up in.

or more specifically, one event.

the age of 7. seven.

seven like the taylor swift song.

seven like the mystery film.

seven like the age.

i was in year 2. i was a child. in school we were learning how to spell words that had weird endings,

i was learning to pass my SAT's,

i was learning about animals,

i was learning how to grow.

my dad had become angry at me for refusing to get off the carpet whilst he used the carpet cleaner machine to remove some stains.

even to this day, i can recall the way the hot water shot out the machine, causing steam to emit and fog up the room.

to this day, i can remember my dad shouting at me to get off the floor or else he would use that machine on me.

'he's bluffing'. i told myself as i continued watching my tablet on the floor laying down on my stomach.

when he did roll up my t-shirt, revealing my back and sprayed me with the carpet cleaner, leaving a red burn mark, i told myself that it wasn't real.

told myself my dad wouldn't hurt me on purpose.

but the way i jolted up as i felt the burn on my back and ran to my mum to show her, sobbing and wailing from the pain, reminded me that it was all too real.

the pain ached horrifyingly; mirroring the ache in my heart.

i was seven.

to this day, i remember never getting an apology for that.

to this day, i know he doesn't regret doing it.

the next day at school, i felt my back ache. it ached and ached and ached.

i reveal the burn to my teachers, unaware of the consequences.

i reveal the truth of what happened, unaware of the consequences.

the following days at school insisted of me constantly being taken out of lessons, talking to multiple adults who wrote everything i said down.

even when i came home from school a few days later with a police car outside my house did i not understand the grave consequences of my actions.

even when the policeman explained to my parents what i had told the school did i not understand the consequences of my actions.

it wasn't until the policeman left, and my dad struck me across the face did i truly realise the consequences of my actions.

i was seven.

everything after that was a blur.

a fuzzy, blurry memory that lives in the back of my mind, longing to be remembered.

everything after that is now a distant memory. memories i now want to dig back up.

memories i want - no, demand - justice for.

i lied to my teachers telling them my dad did it as an accident, and i craved validation, so i twisted the truth.

twisted the truth because i was a good-for-nothing liar.

a time-wasting liar.

a needy liar.

a liar.

i was seven.

only now, do i realise how differently my life could've turned out if i just spoke up. had i just decided to stick with the truth, maybe i could've grown up differently.

grown to not crave validation.

grown to not need constant reassurance.

grown to mature properly.

but then again,

i was seven,

and the lies twisted the truth.

the lies twisted me.

i was only seven.

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #creative writing #books #angst #reading #childhood #tw abuse #this is so bad #im feeling silly #i apologise for this #serious post #seriously can social services aim to be better??? #lool

[444jiya]

even after the war had ended, harry stayed right there with the destroyed remains of hogwarts. now that he had saved the wizarding world, would he even be needed anymore? time would go on and he'd still be here collecting dust like an antique doll. every time he had momentarily defeated voldemort, what if he had died in every instance, slowly chipping away at parts of himself until nothing remained? in that moment, harry looked anything but delicate but that didn't stop him from shattering into a million pieces with years of built-up anger, pain, and sorrow taking over him.

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #reading #creative writing #fanfic #harry potter #harry potter and the deathly hallows #deathly hallows #war aftermath #wizardingworld #wizarding world war #harry needs a hug #sorry guys #Spotify

[444jiya]

this is so cute :')

“I think everything in life is art. What you do. How you dress. The way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you drink your tea, How you decorate your home. Or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art.”

— Helena Bonham Carter

#Helena Bonham Carter #thepersonalwords #list #quotes #literature #life quotes #author quotes #lit #prose #spilled ink #writers on tumblr #writing inspiration

[444jiya]

Maturing is accepting you won't always get all the answers or apologies for the shit that hurt your heart...but you heal anyway.

#maturing #maturingisrealising #realisation #life #life quote tumblr

[444jiya]

small extract from my fic (wip) !!

"whenever harry thought about what had happened in that horrible maze, he often felt himself dissociating with reality. suddenly he was sent back to that time where he was dueling with the dark lord, the image of cedric diggory's dead body engraved into his mind.

it still kept him up at night.

that, and the deafening screams of the dead hufflepuff ringing through his ears: cedric's piercing war-cry brought back a stuttering hit of nostalgia to when he was still living with the dursleys and they had just witnessed harry act in such violent ways, it seemed unreal."

#writing #authors #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #reading #fanfic #fanfiction #harry potter and the goblet of fire #harry potter #cedric diggory #wip stuff #work in progress #justiceforharrypotter #harrydeservestheworld #howisharryunderratedinhisownmovies #harrymylove #potter #character death #ao3fic #wattpad #wattpad fic #sadharrypotter #umbridgeisabitch

[444jiya]

༆✰♡︎✰༆

“The woman you are becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces, and material things. Choose her over everything.”

— Unknown

#quotes #Unknown #poetry #relationship quotes #words #original #thoughts #lit #prose #spilled ink #inspiring quotes #quoteoftheday #life quotes #poem #love quotes #relationship #aesthetic #literature #motivation #writing #love #Spotify

[444jiya]

nightmare ~

"what did you mean to do then? because all you've done is fuck everything up for everyone!"

"i-"

"you're not a talented hero! you're not clever or strong or special enough to make choices like this! you're lucky you didn't get someone killed!" tony bellowed despite peter only being a few steps away from him.

"i just thought-" peter tried to talk, but kept getting interrupted.

"no! you never think, peter! you just want to seem like a god-send saviour! when you are not - you are a fucking child. a child!" tony's degrading words cut into peter's mind and infected it with poisonous venom.

"i'm so sorry, mr stark! please, don't take my suit away! i promise i won't go after the vulture or anyone else ever again without you!" the fifteen year old pleaded.

never did he think that going after the vulture, getting a building dropped on him and just about capturing him would get him reprimanded by tony. he thought tony would give him a little 'that's wrong' talk, but not a whole yelling plus a punishment!

"no. you're never going after anyone ever again. i'll make sure of that."

peter's eyes widened. "no.. no, mr stark! you can't!"

"i can! and i will. peter when will you understand? rules are there for a reason," he sighed. "you're off the avenger team. AND i'm taking your suit off you." tony said, seemingly enjoying hurting peter with his harsh choice of words.

the fifteen year old was now on the verge of tears. "please, i swear, i never ever wanted to go against you mr stark. i'm never gonna do anything that you don't want me to do again!"

peter shot up out of bed. his breathing was irregular as he tried to get up out of bed to wash his face. he wanted mr stark. no, needed mr stark. he wanted him to tell peter that it was all okay and it was just a bad dream - just a little nightmare and that he really did want him.

peter didn't know what he'd do if tony didn't want him anymore. he didn't want to be some broken doll just thrown out because he didn't have any value anymore.

slowly, he got up and walked out of his aunt's house at 3 in the morning. he wanted mr stark. he walked all the way down to the tower, despite being in only his pj's, which got him a lot of odd stares. thank god for the heavy rain or else people would've recognised him.

in half an hour he made it when he realised he had forgotten his security id. hoping friday would let him in, he walked in and to the receptionist.

"kid? what the hell are you doing here drenched and at 3 in the morning?" the receptionist asked.

"i want mr stark please."

"no can do unless you got id that permits you to go in."

"friday can recognise me." he stated back.

"friday? identify this boy."

"name, peter benjamin parker, age 15, tony stark's personal intern." friday replied in her monotone voice.

"oh, very well, go through." she let him. he gave a quick nod before going up in the elevator to the penthouse. hoping mr stark would be there.

just to his luck, tony was there on one of the bar stools drinking a piping hot cup of coffee. unusually, he never realised the set of smaller footsteps walking up behind him. "mr stark?"

"what..?" tony squinted his eyes to see the mystery guy in the dark. soon, he saw the very vague outline of a teenager - around fifteen. and there'd only be one kid here at the tower at this time - peter. "peter?"

"mr stark..." the brunette's bottom lip quivered as mr stark used a remote to switch on the dim light.

there mr stark was taken aback by how messed up this kid looked. it was three in the morning, peter's hair was the worst it had ever been, his eyes red and puffy and all teary; his pajamas all crumpled and soaked, and his whole face flushed the same colour as a ripe tomato.

"peter, god what happened?" tony questioned cautiously as he got up to hug peter.

"i- i just had this nightmare, and i was scared you hated me, i'm so sorry but i just needed to see you to make sure you didn't hate me," peter said without taking a break to breathe.

tony sighed sadly knowing how hard it must be on a fifteen year old to carry the whole weight of trying to save the world and bring peace and joy into it. he ruffled peter's hair lovingly and invited him to stay the night. even superheroes needed breaks sometimes.

#writing #authors #reading #writers on tumblr #angst #creative writing #fanfiction #fanfic #peterparker #spiderman #irondad and spiderson #ironman #ironheart #familyfluff #nightmares