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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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kieren-fucking-walker · 6 years

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this is me asking about ur wips

This is so open ended and I love it but remember you asked for it so i’m gonna give the rundown:(These are all for DGHDA btw)

To Know series:Dirk Gently - Part 3 and the culmination of the main story I wanted to write. (There will be two add ons). This is my current priority but it’s being stubborn af and hard to write and I can’t work out why. It’s going to be angsty but hopefully toned more bittersweet than all out angst like the last ones. (All going well it should have a happy/hopeful ending but we’ll see.)Dirk Gently (Part 2): 1st Optional add on to main series, will look at Dirk when we first met him and follow him through the events of the first season. I have bits and pieces planned out for this but it’s not my first priority because i think this one might give me a bit of trouble too. Todd Brotzman: 2nd Optional add on to main series. Will be Brotzly (I couldn’t resist). Will be set after S2, will look at Todd/the relationship through Dirk’s eyes, will involve past-sharing, will not be too angsty (with luck). Currently have quite a bit of this one planned out but I need to get the other written first to make it come out properly. I’m excited for this one, it’ll be very cathartic and lovely to write I think.

(Under a cut bc this post got hella long)

My AU:Angels and Demons, baby. Todd is a disgruntled angel who is grounded for reasons that will not be told until the story. He’s not fallen but he’s definitely been sent to time out for doing something that’s actually wayyyy worse than anyone realises. Dirk is a… happy go lucky demon? He’s a dodgy little shit but he’s not evil. He has a backstory that I’m having hella fun planning and working out the dynamics for this world is super fun. They’re gonna fix the universe with help from their friends. Featuring: Punk Angel Amanda who got sick of the rules and fell to earth so she could actually help instead of watch. The Rowdies as Hellhounds. Farah as a fierce warrior angel (who bends the rules to talk to Todd and Amanda). Dirk’s dubious ‘demonic’ activity (is it evil or is he just weird, who knows?). Todd who can’t stop getting his feathers in a bunch. Blackwing being literally Hell. Some very painful Icarus references. Some super duper sweet romance all worked up in the middle there. Awkward courting and enthusiastic gestures on both sides. It’ll be good when I actually get round to writing it.Other Bits and Pieces:Todd the walking fashion disaster: A WIP I have had almost finished since Shapes and Colours aired (I know, I know). That outfit is too good for Todd to have managed to put it together, Dirk dressed him (fite me). Featuring: bad fashion, gay thoughts. It only needs like, 1 more paragraph to be finished and yet. Technically the first fic I wrote for this fandom but it’s not finished and doesn’t count. Soft Domestic Bullshit: It’s so fluffy it makes me sick looking at it. I’m not really a fluff writer so I set myself this challenge and it’s actually coming along quite nicely. If you wanna know what a grossly cute quiet morning in bed for Todd and Dirk looks like this is the one for you. The “almost too emo to be porn” porn: It’s working title is “they have sex, todd cries”. Porn is a rarity for me so we’ll see if it ever sees the light of AO3 BUT it’s been wonderful and therapeutic and lovely to write so far. It’s very emo. Something Else: Not angst, not fluff, not really any category. How Dirk and Todd come to see each other as home. Okay. Maybe it’s fluff. Another one that comes in stops and starts but I’m enjoying playing around with. Dirk Gently holds his cards close to his chest (but he might let you peek if you’re nice): A one shot about how I think the most likely way Dirk would tell Todd about Blackwing would go. Not difficult to write in a traditional sense, but hard to pace. Lots of insecurities. I’ve been working on this one for ages and it’s very much slow and steady but getting there. Meet the Parents, ‘where the hell have you been young man?’ Edition: Todd’s parents have been worried sick about him and Amanda just up and disappearing. They turn up at the agency and Dirk is thoroughly unprepared for this. Mostly based off of Todd’s “can I at least call my parents?” line from s2 ep1. He knows they’ll worry. Some kind of closure: Riggins comes to Dirk looking for forgiveness. They talk. It’s a lot, but he does get something out of it. A favourite of mine right now. How Farah Black Realised She’s A Lesbian: A prompt I got the other day that sent me into a writing flurry. It’s such a good idea and I’m loving this one but I’ve hit a road block. Honestly the free-est easiest one to write right now. Markings (Brotzly): Something someone prompted me with ages ago that I think was intended as nsfw but I just made it angsty. And cute in parts! Definitely cute but there’s angst in there too. An all out angst fest featuring Mr Priest: This is one I’m writing mostly for my own amusement and may never see the light of day but he’s a fun character to write and when I’m struggling making headway with some of the ones I take more seriously I like to hash it out over here in this WIP. The 7 other prompts in my inbox: I’m working on them I swear. Most likely to be drabbles/short installments. I like to use prompts as quick exercises when I’m stuck/dragged down by bigger projects and some of you guys have the best imaginations so I’m incredibly thankful for them. These will see the light of day at some point I promise. And there we have it. Most of these are literally a couple of paragraphs from being finished and I struggle the most with endings but I’m determined not to abandon them so here are some things you can expect to see coming your way over the next few months from me. I may well have forgotten some but as you can see I have an over active imagination and have given myself a lot to do BUT multiple projects at once is how I work best and it’ll be the luck of the draw what gets written first. Sorry this is so long. If any of you want to ask more about any of these please do, talking about stuff I’m working on helps me keep inspired and makes me feel like I have to do it because someone knows about it. Thank you SO much for asking. I feel better having just written this all out.

#lovely people #thank you so much anon #this is prob the best thing you could have asked lmao #long post #writing #my wips #now you all know my shame #feel free to bug me about these #asks #dghda

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