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#prose writing
questionthebox · 14 hours ago
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Poets Diary
you know what the funny thing is, as a socialist i would know how to use Capitalism better then these “capitalists” i think to what my DSA comrades and i were discussing for our city, and its clear to me, we can combine an influx of capital, while retaining democratic control, of where that capital goes, and how it works, basically all you have to do is entice them with the opportunity to make money, and once you do that, you have those fuckers by the hook, 
which reminds me, i am very underwhelmed by President Bidens lukewarm reforms, what a bunch of cowards and cynics and weak ass motherfuckers, everything he’s tried to do, he waits for the so called conservative democrats to water it down, from his measely infrastructure, to raising taxes on the rich, like wow only 25 percent, and even then those corpo rats aren’t gonna pay shit, because we all know there will be loop holes in that bill, and their armies of lawyers will find whatever loop holes there are, 
i just don’t know what people expect anymore, money is entrenched and it belongs to the wealthy, 
everyone else has been sent to hell, 
and what i’m going to say next isn’t me exaggerating shit, but in 2019 the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, general Mark Miley came out with a report, warning the United States would collapse within 2 decades, in his report he cited CLIMATE CHANGE, FOOD SHORTAGES, OUR DECAYING INFRASTRUCTURE AND POWER GRIDS & MOST HILARIOUSLY AS IT CAME OUT IN 2019 WORLD WIDE “DISEASES” 
is that how my adulthood is gonna play out ? 
poverty, shitty jobs, my country collapsing, rising fasicsm and hatred of all sorts, 
like 
WTF 
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questionthebox · 15 hours ago
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Poets diary
another thing about my econmoic situation, as those who follow my blog and may know me, know, i have had a very complicated relationship with my dad, to the point, we rarely interact, i have lived with my dad, but things have changed in the past two years, and have accelaerated recently, 
i have taken control of this apartment, i’m the only person who lives here, its massive, in that its a two bedroom two bathroom place that is two houses combined into one, 
my dad has been living with his girlfriend, and he doesn’t want to live here anymore, and has voiced that, and i have voiced that i don’t want him here anymore either, 
so i’ve taken this place for myself, and ive been fixing it up as my friends know, on friday, i called the ownership group, if they can come make reparis to the kitchen and repaint my homes walls, 
but basically, i own this place now, and its mine, 
but i have to uhh put the money together year round, to afford this place 
as its 900 something dollars a month, and so i’ve been thinking of enrolling into nursuing school, just to have a job that makes more then enough to take care of the rent without issue, 
i’m hyped up, but i  also feel lonely, it feels weird being in this big ass place alone, 
but i welcome the opportunity, because i now have a chance to travel, and to work on my degree, without worrying about becoming homeless, and dealing with varous anxieties, i now can focus, and use this as a launching pad to something better. 
i think i want a roomate though, i wish i by the grace of god could contact or have alek by miracle find me again, and contact me, because i’d tell her to come live with me, to come live with me here, 
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questionthebox · 17 hours ago
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Poets diary
i have fallen in love with people, equally as weird as i am, people who toil in the anonymous oblivion which is life in the contemporary united states, 
be it they a 51 year old woman with two kids living in vermont, who used to be a doctor, is a widow, and now seeks to be a visual artist, with her especially i have watched her find self definition, even when it means she doesn’t want me anymore in that new age sense of “love” 
the contemporary love, of voluminous correspondence, a sense of talk, one cannot express in “real life” how we through words on a screen, get to indulge, in these characrers who are who we really are, hence the weirdenss, that the people walking around, in our corners of the world, are the real “fake” that the person who was once a doctor, wife, and mother, is the mask, that the person i have fallen in love with, is the real person, the character, the avatar, 
and i really fucking love her, and the other woman, who i spoke to at length yesterday, 
that woman, who is one year younger then me, and who has been in my life in these ways, since i was 23, is both my peer, my girlfriend, my foe, i have never had a relationship with someone the way i have with her, and i keep up with her, because i love her, and i know she loves me, 
so then the love that i speak, its a love, like holding someones hand, and letting them know, there is always someone else out there, it is, doing something no one does in real life, in giving someone the attention of seeing them, and listening to them, without judgement, without any of the caveats, that society puts, 
i’ll explain it like this, a male friend of mine, who in a way has become my best friend, was at my house all week, helping me set up the stuff ive bought for the living room, and he had been all week debating getting with this girl who lives down the street bascially, and he was being “evasive” and aloof on why he wasn’t pursuing her, until i got it out of him, where he admitted, that the reason why he hasn’t accepted her love, is because she doesn’t fit a standard of beauty to him, that he feels is expected of him as a young man, and i tore him a new asshole about that, telling him he’s full of shit, and it doesn’t matter what she looks like, what matters is connecting with someone, 
i went on to say he wasn’t a supermodel and no one is, except for my sister vanessa, who i pointed out to him, dates a guy she’s fully in love with who’s ugly, with a big head, and looks like a fucking geko, 
my friend later on in the week made it official with that girl, and they’re now together, and he showed me a picture of her, and them having a date at the park, and she wasn’t ugly at all, she actually is way better then i thought he was capable of getting lol, 
but its that bullshit, and idk if its unique to america, but we are burdened by notions of images, we believe in these images even as none of us have ever been Kim Kardashian, none of us have ever fit into those images, and even me, like i befrinded this fashion nova model, and without makeup, and airburshing, she looked fucking ugly, and was also stupid as the day is long, 
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questionthebox · 17 hours ago
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Poets diary
i should’ve read james baldwin’s essay cautioning against anger, as a young man of color, 
because yesterday, i listened to this young woman i have had feelings for tell me that the reason why we haven’t gotten together, is because of various actions of things i said, when i was entrenched in that anger, 
and it really hurt, and broke my heart, because i was silenced in that anger, and misunderstood, 
i explained to her, which cleared everything up, but i explained to her, that previous version of myself, was literally living in desitution, and i was, i was so poor at that point all i could afford was 50 cent bag chips to make with sandwhiches, i was alienated and isolated, with no friends, no girlfriend, no hope or future, and no one loving or trying to help me, 
i was like many youth of color, many youth in general, just surplus, 
whatever job i found, was extremely exploititive, and racist, and hostile to me, i remember working at a mcdonalds when i was 22, and never making 200 dollars there, as they rotated all their workers in 4 hour shifts, so that they didn’t have to pay anyone, and that in those jobs, the only people who were allowed to stay, were sadistic ass kissing bitches, who would bend over backwords for the managers, who were pretty much like prison wardens, 
i had to experience all that trauma, that comes from being a person of color, in poverty, living without any opportunities, on top of being in a violent dysfcutional situation at home, 
and so i was so desperate and hungry, for any semblance of love, i was trying to get swim to the surface while beaing anchored to the void, 
but i apologize for the things i said in that, how brazen i was, and how violent the things were, i put them onto people who loved me and wanted to help me, and it pushed people away, 
but i also have to say, this really is a racist society, because no one ever told me or pulled me to aside and said hey i wanna help you, i get what your going through, i would’ve been receptive of that, if someone would’ve reached out, but no one did, and no one was willing to help, 
so all of this goes back to these tough tough questions in regards to life and humanity, and its easy to slip into a slope of existential nilhilism, like Celene, who went into racism and nazism, because he saw all the brualtiy at hand, 
but as a person of color, that kind of nilhilism always leads to madness, homelessness and prison, and prison acts as a unifyer of all three, and once your trapped in the white mans prisons, your done, your gone, you’ve been condemed to oblivion, and life literally there is meaningless, no amount of reading, be it Marxism, no mount of religion be it Muslim or Buddhist, no mount of philosphy, can help you in there, once that shit has a hold of you, 
and again, 
i ask fundamentally what is this life for us ? 
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questionthebox · 18 hours ago
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Poets Diary
there are questions of my identity that i haven’t felt the need to ask, of which is En Vogue, and the only reason why ive never asked it, is because i didn’t grow up in poverty, and most importantly in the culture of poverty, which is very insular, and hidden, and weird, and this isn’t to diss those people who, want to dress “aboriginal” or go beyond the parameters of gender, but i can’t vibe with that shit, i’m sorry, i just can’t and i can’t pretend to talk about that shit either, it feels forced and fake, 
i personally believe, that those people, are a mutated expression of the effect of colonization, i’ll put it like this, few days back i sent a male friend of mine this video of this fat hawaiian man singing and i realized something, he’s only fat, he’s only singing, he’s only this sexless harmless blob because the white man stole his masculinity and vitality, its the same thing with those lady boys, in the third world, when whites colonized the world, it wasn’t just about enslaving, and forcing an economic system onto people, it was also mostly about the subconscious need to assert the white penis over all those they conquered by fucking, its why whites to this day go to the countries they’ve plundered for sex tourism to fuck little kids, women, and those lady boys, 
and if were honest as the people who whites conquered, why are many of our men, fat ?, weak, lazy, childish, muted, emasculated, i’m speaking honestly here, 
where is the voice to help those people, amidst, these women who want to make videos propping up non binary and people who identify as women in the colonies of the world, 
there isn’t any, i just watched the laura flanders show, and she had on these “ethnic artists” and one of them was this black woman, wearing a headwrap, talking about how she started a poetry video, for those “women” i just mentioned, in the third world, 
they don’t see, that what they’re playing into, is the fact that those colonies, are totally emasculated, that there isn’t any space, other then to be a “woman” 
and look, this isn’t a diss, and this isn’t me shitting on those people, real violence happens to them, but it only happens to them, because the true viel of colonialism is never fully understood and confronted, 
but you’re not going to make me a “woman” and you’re not going to make me use “pronouns” 
i was born a Man for a reason, if the gods wanted me something else they would’ve made me so, 
i give those people the respect of life, but i do not respect them, i do not respect what they present as a means of freedom, because not everyone can be a “woman”  not everyone can dress “aboriginal” and not everyone is gay or non binary, 
and this to me is the crux of asking ones-self what is my identity then, if you cannot conform either to the white world, say like that young man sagarr enjitti on that show rising with krystal ball, and you can’t be an urban hipster, who loves the nba and can’t wait for the next yeezy drop, and you can’t be gay or dress aboriginal, and identitify as a woman even though your obviously a man, 
then what is there ? 
because all these things reveal a society based upon a layered Caste System, 
and all these people wear the uniforms of the caste they are in, or want to be in, 
unfortunately for me, i fit in none of them, 
i have to much moxy and heart and style, to be apart of the white professional world, 
and i’m too radical, to be a urban hipster dude, wearing yeezys and a vintage vancouver grizzllies jersey, 
and there’s no way in hell i’ll ever venture into calling myself a woman, and becoming a part of that shit, 
you know its comedy really, people, all these things, they only exist within the mind, all these distinctions, and you know it exists only in the mind, because each faction uses its own form of language to communicate with themselves and to throw judgement on the other faction, 
this isn’t me, and i’m going to have to continue to find myself, in this world, because its not like i can just get into a space ship and leave, and i now i don’t want to commit suicide either. 
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kiramalibu · a day ago
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all i know how to do is
yearn for things that will
never love me back so
i will never understand why
people question my reasons
for being sad
look around the world and
tell me if anything you see
makes sense to you
how can i love myself when
i don’t even see a reason to
love the world?
04/17
kira malibu
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trystmm · a day ago
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And if they leave they were never the ones for you because if they were, they wouldn't leave you at the first place. This has been really trending over instagram recently. And so I kept thinking about it all day. I have let so many people just go thinking that they will come back if its meant to be but whenever they did I couldn't just accept them. The betrayal, the lies, those eyes. The world is tough out there, trust me on that. Someone once told me that I shouldn't act like I have cancer because of my overthinking. Brutal I know. Some said I usually bring miseries on myself, some just said they got what they wanted so they gonna leave now and some just came to see I were at peace so why not just dismantle her castle. I remember taking that fine walk by the sea, twilight over my skin and the wet sand taking all my stress away. I stood for a moment and stared at the never ending sheet of waves. I prayed and asked god to be harsh on me if I am ever repeating the same mistake, I cried a little and thanked god for everything they have done to protect me. I am a clumsy human when it comes to choosing families out of blood relations. Just one kind smile is enough for you to have a piece of my heart. It may hurt me to the bones but I swear you will always see me rise. I love how I camouflage my stronger side, its better that way. People see your vulnerable and cant take it to stomach so they leave. And thats how I know who is gonna last . The pain doesnt change you, it changes your perspective. It illuminates the same hope because my intentions were pure, ever lasting and dang somewhat too intense for this world. Humans are weird, I am a void . I filled my hollowness sumptuously and so I fill those who need kindness and compassion. As I said its tough out there. I'll keep you close, even when you dont want. I am the pleasant void .
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kiramalibu · 2 days ago
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i see no reason to be holy
if my sacred body is used
as their battle ground
i prefer the silence but i’d be
damned if i ignore the howling
from these crowds
because i’ve never heard cries this loud
i see my people grieving
on both sides of this town
and it’s getting harder to
believe in the divine
when the color of my skin
is treated liked a crime
we’re running out of time
and if He is the almighty, then he should
be here to make it right
blm, 04/16
kira malibu
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trystmm · 2 days ago
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How beautifully Renee sings it for the whole world " The glow between us felt so right" , could I love you anymore?? Music is just like annexure to our stories. Some add flowers and laughters, and some add melancholy and lost hopes. Dark academia or classical tunes and lots of gothic imaginations. Or sometimes its just the real music. Traffic sounds, ocean waves crashing or just sirens faraway. It fills the void.
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Summer unlocks dusty memories, hidden under childhood and nostalgia. The noon sun is strong and warm, and it makes everything hazy, like how it is in dreams. Sparkling particles of dust float lazily through sunbeams, and a memory floats up with them, fuzzy and soft round the edges, a movie reel of a child lying on the warm carpet and watching dust drift around my old bedroom, years ago. Echoes of days gone flash in front of my eyes; of still afternoons with unmoving air and pervading quietness, of time marked by the dripping of ice cream, of fireflies like glowing lights; bare feet, tickled with grass, peals of laughter, loud smiles—
I fall asleep at the table, the sun beating down on my face, and dream of the last days of innocence.
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an-unlikely-poet · 3 days ago
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What questions were so important they couldn’t wait
Climbing the biggest mountains I could find, provided little solace in a place I once knew
Perhaps selfish thinking this trail was built just for me
Never big enough and my knees hurt anyway
Reason enough to slow down, but there seemed only one speed
One cannot out run them at such heights though
Only keep them at bay as the thin air and rocky ground keep the vampires waiting
And they will wait, they have nothing better to do
Up here, as high as one can go, liberty reigns
Though it could not be known at the time
Only now do I understand
One said I was blessed to covet such a place
Scoffing, I asked if they knew the price of paradise
Of course they did not, they only write the rules
20 years was a long time searching a treasure that did not exist
Only photographs remain, and retrospect of deep seeded memories
One could go back, but to what? It felt as though the welcome sign had been removed
So, onward silly man
Just as the Great Lake you once came from could not contain, neither could this
The world far to big to throw it all in for one more mountain
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