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bitchyycapricorn · 11 months

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Well. Look at that. Anyways, I wrote this last night while I was drunk.

Peter looks at you from across the room, disgusted by ur gayness.

“Ew. How could u be gay. That’s so gross and totally wrong.” He says.

You look at him like he’s the numbest bitch in the planet. “Peter. Ur literally so stupid. Even frogs r gay.” You counter, still being gay as ever.

Peter narrows his eyes at you, “yeah well those frogs are going to like hell.”

YOu let out a loud laugh and simply counting r to stare at him. “You wanna get fucked by a gay grl.” You tease, beckoning him to come to the bathroom with you.

Peter’s eyes go very wide, but he is intrigued. Even if ur very very gay. So he stands up and goes to the bathroom with you.

You look him in the eyes and smile again. “So what u ganna do for me baby girl?” He asks, a big ass smirk when j his face.

“I’m ganna fuck u until you can’t walk” u say, pulling down his pants.

“Oh god please” peter moans, grabbing your hips and pulling you close. “I want u to tick me so hard please” he begs. Kissing your very soft juicy lips.

You let out a moan, kissing him back very passionately. “Mmm Parker” you grunt, despite not even liking men.

You finish stripping him from all his cloths, then you take off your own. “Wow Peter ur so sexy. I can’t wait to fuck your fat cock”

You push him onto the sink and slowly begin to sink onto his big ginormous fat cock. It feels so good inside you which makes you leg out a loud moan. You grip his hair tight, tugging his brow curls. “Mmmm sexy.”

You groan.

His hands grip ur hips ahead he leads ur hips up and down on his big man

Ohhhhhhh” he cries, kissing ur neck sloppily. “Gosh ur so hot baby” he cries, feeling u on his cock.

You let out another moan before hopping off his big dick, flipping him around, and bumming in his big juicy asshole.

Peter cute too, squirting all over the sink. “Ohhhh shit that felt so good” he moans.

+++

Peter found out he was probate about three months later. He couldn’t. Be more scared of having a gay bitches baby. How could he possibly have the bay of a gay Bo. Like what. Anyways, he was so very pregnant and Tony was so upset because his son is so young and so very pregnant.

But Steve thinks that it’s a miracle from the gays that he’s pregnant with your gay baby.

So Peter is told he has to has it because it’s a gay blessing from a hot sexy woman who got him prhegnage

So he keeps being very very primate u Gil it’s time to deliver. And he had the hunky ads baby and feels so proud cause he’s a mommy now.

But ur a mommy too.

Peter reali3/ he’s so gay because he’s a mommy a fan yoruens a mommy so you’re hay.

Peter is ashamed of his gay self and decides to tie. The baby to bucket because his one hand will be a better mummy them him.

The end.

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I’m so so so sorry. Also, if you commented on the OG 🤨 I tagged you

Taglist

@saltistic-dumbassss @t-hollanderrerr @crumpets-are-better-with-jam @clairebearfr @superficial-saturnrings @innieblogg @thetallscorpiobee @spider-biter

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker smut #peter parker x reader #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker x you #peter parker fluff #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x plus size reader #mcu peter parker #peter parker spiderman #peter parker x fem!reader #peter parker x plus size reader smut #peter parker x reader smut #mcu peter parker x reader #peter parker marvel #peter parker angst #Peter Parker crack #mcu crack

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lovelybarnes · 2 years

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would you rather- p. parker

pairings: peter parker x reader warnings: tiktok trends? about: request! tik tok trend 'would you rather kiss me for 100$ or the prettiest girl for 700$' on peter parker?

your nails absentmindedly tap along to the song in the video you’re watching, the beat subtle underneath the conversation of the couple on the screen. it’s a trend you had only come to recognize because of your friends, pouting over doing it on their boyfriends and receiving a kiss and a proposal for the hundred dollars they were offered. you had laughed and waved them off when they’d tried to convince you to do it, too, but you have to admit that the couple on your screen are cute.

you grin when the boyfriend pretends to think for a second before abruptly tugging his girlfriend to him, pressing his lips to hers. she giggles and kisses his cheek. “good answer,” she winks, heading back to her phone to end the video. it restarts as you take a second to think, pushing your tongue against the inside of your cheek until you decide it won’t hurt to try it.

you check the time and glance back at your door, where peter dotingly walked out a few minutes ago to get you snacks and a bottle of water at your request. he’d been gone for nearly five minutes, so you figure he’ll be back soon and open your camera while you wait for him.

you’re fidgeting with random settings on the camera when he comes back, arms full of what you asked him and far more. you sit up in surprise, eyeing him as he spreads it out on your bed with a silly ta-da motion.

you stare at him for a second, a goofy smile on his lips.

“wow,” you say after a silent second, reaching for your gummies. “i should’ve expected this with my overachiever boyfriend.”

peter hums, pressing a loud kiss to your cheek. “yeah, you really should’ve.”

you work on opening the packet of gummies, only to ultimately let peter open it for you as you furtively turn on your phone and hide it behind your leg when you get your gummies, now neatly torn open.

you lay back, popping a few into your mouth, adjusting the camera so it catches the image of peter in front of you clearly, then you press the red button.

“peter,” you start, controlling your tone so the question seems innocent, as if you just thought of it randomly.

“yeah?” he replies, looking up at you through brown tufts of hair. you want to tuck them away, but he swats at his hair, making you chuckle. he gives you a little smile.

“would you rather kiss me for—”

“hell yeah,” he cuts in, climbing on your bed over the candy, already crawling toward you with determination before you laugh, stopping him.

“i’m not done yet.”

“but i already know my answer,” he whines.

“hush and let me finish,” you insist with a soft pat on his head, brushing away the strands you wanted to before.

“would you rather kiss me for a hundred dollars or—” you raise a finger at him to cut him off when you notice his mouth opening to interrupt you again. “or kiss the prettiest girl in the universe for seven-hundred?”

peter scrunches his nose, shaking his head if to say seriously? and continues to crawl toward you until you have to turn your phone at an awkward angle to capture him in the frame as he kisses you.

he sighs dreamily when he pulls away, pressing his lips to yours again for another soft kiss.

“now i have eight-hundred dollars,” he informs, nudging your nose with his as you laugh, cheeks warm, and trend long-forgotten.

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pansy-moon · 2 years

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i’ve decided burnt out grad student peter parker is my favorite trope - particularly when he decides to just not give a flying fuck about his secret identity because he’s so tired.

send me fics like that, i beg of you

#peter parker #spider-man #spiderman #tired peter parker #fanfic #fan fiction #ao3 #university #college #peter parker crack #peter parker my beloved #incorrect peter parker #peter parker needs a hug #and a coffee

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hotchilipeppers · 11 months

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#across the spiderverse #atsv #into the spider verse #itsv #spiderverse #miles morales #peter b parker #peter parker #this cracked me up

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niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian · 11 months

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"Wake up, father. I sense a disturbance in the backyard."

But seriously, this little snugbug is what, almost a year old, and she has the early spider-sense awareness down already? She is going to be quite the hero once she gets older, like in the comics.

#ngl it cracked me up when we got to this scene and she's just STARING at him XD #mayday #mayday parker #peter b parker #peter benjamin parker #smatsv spoilers #smatsv #across the spiderverse #acros the spiderverse spoilers

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anonymousqualities · 9 months

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Miles, high off pain meds while in Med-bay from a recent mission:

Pavitr, recording on his phone: "Hey, Miles! 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' Me, Gwen & Hobie-GO!

Miles, not missing a beat: Fuck Hobie, marry Hobie, Kill miguel.

Miguel:

Miguel: (sighs tiredly as Peter B's laughter echoes from down the hall)

#punkflower #miles x hobie #hobie x miles #atsv miles #atsv miles morales #hobie brown #atsv pavitr #atsv gwen #atsv miguel #atsv hobie #peter b parker #crack

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sweeneydino · 6 months

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Punknoir.

#spiderman beyond the spiderverse #spider punk #spider man #spider noir #spiderman into the spiderverse #across the spiderverse #hobie brown #peter benjamin parker #punknoir #sketch #art #comic art #ship art #shitpost #it was originally a crack idea #but look what happened #artists on tumblr #marvel #fanart

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raileurta · 1 month

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Miguel has a gen z style sense of humor and is low-key freaking everyone out.

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Miguel watching a potato chip spinning: *hysterically laughing*

Miles: He's been watching that for 20 minutes now.

Gwen: Should we call a doctor????

Hobie: I think mate has finally lost it.

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*arguing about whether you should put milk or cereal first*

Gwen: IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL TO PUT MILK FIRST IN MY UNIVERSE!!

Miles: WELL YOUR UNIVERSE IS WRONG!

Miguel: I use bleach. *Deadpan*

Walks away casually.

Gwen: ......

Miles: ......

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Miguel: Peter did you get me one of those turkey sandwiches from the cafeteria?

Peter: They were fresh out, sorry big guy.

Miguel: *sigh* This is my thirteen reason.

Peter: Your what?

Miguel: Lyla open window "do a flip" I'm killing myself.

Peter: WAIT MIG-!!!

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#miguel o'hara #peter b parker #gwen stacy #spiderman atsv #atsv #hobie brown #crack?#miles morales

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tomriddleslovergirl · 22 days

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Marvel characters x oblivious!reader

Steve Rogers:

Steve and you had been getting to know each other for the past few months and were becoming good friends. Although, Steve had begun to get feelings for you that were not so friendly. He wanted more out of your guys' relationship.

He'd never been good with flirting, but decided to at least try in doing so incase he scared you off or made you uncomfortable by being too upfront.

So, while on a walk with you one winter day, Steve decided to make his move.

"Y'know, Buck once told me pretty girls always have cold hands." The cold didn't bother Steve because he was a Super-Soldier, but he assumed that it would cause some discomfort for a normal human.

You look down at your hands.

"Huh. Mine are always warm." But either way, you shoved your hands in your jacket pocket, not noticing that Steve had put out his hand for you to hold.

Peter Parker

Peter and you had been going out for a little while now, and every time he'd try to flirt with you, you'd be oblivious. So after building up some confidence (with the help of Ned), he asked you. "Can I have a kiss?"

You look at Peter in shock, wondering how he knew you had a bag of kiss in your bag. You rummage through it and hand him one.

"Here," You say, handing the small chocolate to him.

Ned held in a laugh.

"Th-thanks?" Peter said, his voice cracking with confusion and embarrassment at being rejected - even if it was done obliviously by you.

Wanda Maximoff

Wanda had tried flirting with you before and you would never quite get the hint. She had assumed there was something wrong with the way she tried to make romantic advances with you and went to the Natasha to get some pointers.

Later on, Wanda decided to use some of Nat's tips.

Wanda asked you if you wanted to bake cookies with her and invited you into the Avengers Tower kitchen.

While you both were baking and talking, Wanda would try to make her laughs sound breathy when you made a joke or would compliment you from time to time.

When she noticed you were having trouble icing one of the cookies, she stood behind you, and gently wrapped one of her hands around your hand that was holding the piping bag while you held onto the cookie.

"Here," she whispered, her hot breath hitting your ear as she helped you ice your cookie.

After Wanda was done, she placed the icing bag on the counter and looked at you, trying to see if her flirting had done the trick. But you don't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Thanks, Wanda," you say, thinking she was just trying to be helpful.

You went to grab another cookie to ice, when she suddenly grabbed your chin. "You have something on your face," she says.

You look up at her in surprise as she swipes her thumb against your cheek. She brings her thumb to her mouth before licking the icing off.

You look up at Wanda, your brows furrowed. "That's disgusting, Wanda."

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crybabycunt · 3 months

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Yelena: Christmas is cancelled. Peter: You can't cancel a holiday. Yelena: Keep it up, Parker, and you'll lose New Year's. Peter: What does that mean? Yelena: Kate, take New Year's away from Peter. Kate: DONE! Peter: What? How do- Kate: DONE!

#bishova #bishlova #yelena belova #kate bishop #peter parker #hawkeye #black widow #incorrect quotes #incorrect marvel quotes #marvel incorrect quotes #funny #crack #bishova incorrect quotes #bishlova incorrect quotes #yelena belova incorrect quotes #kate bishop incorrect quotes #inspo: the office

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fotibrit · 4 months

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peter parker, after being forgotten, gets a job in an insurance company and suddenly discovers how frustrating it is to live near superhero battles, as far as insurance goes.

From then on, he uses his insider knowledge about the avengers to steer them away from populated cities.

Unfortunately, the avengers seem to think he’s the new supervillain in town, and they’re determined to kick his ass

(Peter just hopes they kick his ass WITHOUT tearing down apartment buildings and disrupting public transport systems)

#marvel mcu #avengers #peter parker #spider man #a crack fic i want to read #fotibrit

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lukas-dusk · 5 months

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Peter : We need a distraction.

Matt : Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Wade, whispering : My time has finally come.

#incorrect quotes #marvel #mcu #peter parker #spider man #daredevil #matt murdock #wade wilson #deadpool #team red #marvel cinematic universe #Chaotic #crack

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buckyalpine · 1 year

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Peter’s Hamster

Crack fic alert: Imagine Bucky with a pet he never wanted. He’s around the compound more cause he’s taking a break from missions for a while. In the meantime, Peter brought a hamster from the pet store and Tony is not having any of it.

“No”

“C’mon Mr. Stark, you won’t even notice him-

“I can smell him from the lab”

“I’ll invent something to stop the smell”

“Aren’t pets expensive”

“Aren’t you a billionaire?”

“Shut up Romanoff”

“He was like 2 bucks!”

Peter manages to squirrel his way into keeping his newest friend but there’s still the matter of who would care for him when everyone else as away on missions. Anyway, Bucky made it clear he would have no part in hamster sitting. Not one bit. If everyone was away then the hamster would have to fend for himself.

Like today. It had already been a few days since the collective team had left leaving Bucky in perfect solitude with his worn copy of the hobbit and his secret guilty pleasure; peanut butter cups. No one would ever EVER see the former winter soldiers suck off the chocolate left on the wrapper, licking his lips like a cat after every bit between flipping pages.

It was perfect.

Except.

Bucky could hear the sound of the squeaky wheel of the hamster going at full speed, the high pitched squeals piercing through the air.

“For fucks sake, can’t you keep it down” he grumbled before pausing and closing his eyes. “…I’m talking to a hamster”

….

“who can’t hear me”

Eventually the rustling and scurrying gets to him so he reluctantly goes over to Peters room to see what the 3 gram rodent is up to. He notices the pellet bowl is empty and water has almost run dry, though the little fur ball didn’t seem to care just yet, more concerned about cleaning and pawing at his face.

“If you had more than half a brain cell you would’ve escaped and fed yourself” Bucky scoffed, ready to turn on his heel but the tiny beady eyes that look at him make him stop.

“Pathetic” he mumbled before finding the bag of food under a pile of Peter’s clothes “no more wonder he bought a hamster, he lives like one”

The hamster nudges against him when he refills his bowl, using it as an opportunity to escape by climbing up his arm and sitting on his shoulder.

“Seriously”

The small light brown puffball stayed there while Bucky scoffed, plucking him off and plopping him back in, narrowing his eyes at it.

“This was a one time thing. Figure it out”

Is what he said and fully intended on standing by but the squeaky wheels and rustling get to him. At one point, he swears it’s on purpose as the hamsters way of getting his attention for a food refill.

So he takes matters into his own hands

“If you won’t feed yourself, I’ll teach you”

So the late night sessions begin. Rigorous circuits for the thing that was smaller than his palm, learning how to scale the cake, click the lock open and nibble its way into the pellets.

“I’m training a hamster”

Bucky caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, a few stray pieces of woodchips dusting his clothes while the hamster (who he now called PB....based on an interesting choice...) completed another around in less than 0 seconds.

“I’m training a fucking hamster”

“Good Job PB” Bucky petted his head with one finger, stopping when he was about to comment on his ability to climb the cage,

“And still talking to it”

Imagine the absolute confusion the team feels when they get back to find random clear tubes running along the walls, each connecting to a different room, most tubes leading to the snack cupboards and counter tops.

The walk into the living room and no one breathes a word, too entranced by the sight of a very focused Bucky and Peter’s hamster, perched on the super soldier. He sits on Bucky's shoulder, remnants of sunflower seeds left over on the coffee table while Bucky nibbles on a peanut butter cup.

“What the fuck”

Bucky turned around to find everyone staring at him with a variety of expressions from shock to amusement to utter confusion. At this point, Bucky couldn’t not care less, shrugging before holding up a seed to his shoulder so PB could grab it in his tiny hands.

“Which episode now, PB” “Who the fuck is PB”

Bucky pointed to the furball while scrolling through Netflix, avoiding any animal documentaries, not wanting to traumatize his new tiny friend.

“You named him PB?”

“Yup”

“Based off of what” Tony cocked and eyebrow while Bucky snorted, feeding him another sunflower seed.

“We’ll, I originally called him Parker’s balls”

Imagine after this Bucky has PB trained to wreck havoc and steal things he likes from just about anywhere. Peter gets absolute shit from Tony because 1 Bucky was enough chaos and now its Bucky plus this tiny demon.

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not-me-underc0ver · 1 year

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Tony and Peter walking.

Tony: OH MY GOD

Peter panicked: What?!

Tony pointing at something: THERE HE IS! THAT'S THE FUCKIN GUY

Peter: ?

Tony still pointing: That's the fucking guy behind all my problems!

Peter: Tony, you're pointing at your reflection.

#peter parker #tony stark #irondad #iron dad #peter and tony #spider son #the world is built for two #mcu fanfiction #funny #incorrect irondad quotes #this is crack #dont take me seriously

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idk-bruh-20 · 10 months

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Irondad fic ideas #144

Peter Parker sounds just like Spider-Man. This is something that the students of Midtown find hilarious

Soon, Peter's getting comments in the halls like, "Hey are you that kid who sounds like Spider-Man?" "Uhhh I mean -" "Holy shit it's truuue" and, "Hey Parker, say, 'Hiya Mister Criminal'' "(sigh) Hiya Mister criminal-"

It becomes a daily bit on the school news: they put Peter in the cheapest, most ridiculous Spider-Man mask imaginable and get him to say wild stuff, whatever Midtown students can think of. Like that bit at the end of Honest Trailers.

(Peter may or may not go slightly viral saying some Stuff about the Rogue Avengers in his "Spider-Man voice." Tony may or may not nearly piss himself laughing about it when he finds out.

Spider-Man himself has yet to comment.)

#this may be crack but it's 100% realistic #don't tell me if you had a classmate whose voice sounded EXACTLY like a celebrity you wouldn't get them to say wild shit #'marcus sounds just like obama' 'omg marcus say: can we cancel homework for ever yes we can'#irondad fic ideas #irondad and spiderson #iron dad and spider son #also how long does this miscommunication last #I mean the longer the funnier obviously #does mj ensure that she is strategically placed to witness her peers when the identity reveal happens & inevitable meltdown occurs #if your answer isn't yes actually yes it is #peter parker #tony stark #spider-man #midtown students #academic decathlon #queueueueue #weekly reminder that I love you all but am too busy to be human :)#fic ideas still postponed but you can send asks if you want I just won't see them for a while #see announcements

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burythel1ght · 10 months

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so has the across the spider verse soundtrack altered everyone else’s brain chemistry or am i just weird

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