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infinitewarden · 3 years

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Osiris isn’t Savathun.

Great! Now that I have your attention:

Man you guys tire me out about Osiris. If you truly believe this is Osiris I don’t mean to sound like That Guy that’s like “you don’t know what you’re talking about” but... You don’t know what you’re talking about.

So.

Let’s talk about how much Osiris cares about the City and humanity and why the Osiris in Epilogue is not actually Osiris.

Alright. Let’s start off with context. I think it’s super important to see what we do know as Osiris’s views. From my heavy analyses of him since 2020 I can confidently say these are what he views as the most important things a person can do:

Keep promises

Speak their truths

Protect the City & Humanity

Know that the Vex are true Evil.

Now, I won’t be doing a breakdown of each one individually but I will be talking a great deal of how important honesty is to Osiris, the City, and his views of the Vex.

Speaking honestly and bluntly.

I don’t know how many of you were into Destiny before Beyond Light, so if you were unaware of this it’s not your fault. However I’ve seen a very strange change in tone when it comes to how people view Osiris. Before Season of Hunt people hated - and I mean hated - Osiris. Why? Because he was blunt. They viewed his bluntness as rudeness.

To see a sudden switch to him being secretive and scheming is... alarming, to say the least. (And to see people think that this is the norm is also alarming but in other ways.)

The Osiris before Hunt was not secretive and scheming. He sought knowledge openly. He sought, specifically, the truth. I must stress just how open he was about his plans. First I’ll give you a few in lore examples:

I admit, I found your questions divisive and disloyal, and I feared you might be capable of breaking our unity when the City's position had grown so tenuous. Why divert attention away from the Traveler, our only hope? And then it got worse, dabbling in thanatonautics, Ahamkara-lore, chasing after Xur and the tricks of the Nine. Launching expeditions into the Reef and beyond at a time when ships were irreplaceable. Your quest split Guardians along ideological lines. This was your greatest crime: Hunters chose to pursue your visions instead of protecting refugees, Titans assembled teams to chase the legendary Vault of Glass instead of striking the Fallen, and Warlocks turned away from the study of the Traveler in favor of your ultimate obsession... learning the exact nature of the Darkness. ... Perhaps what drives a Warlock to madness is truth.

Osiris.

"Do not romanticize this burden. We wield a weapon." The Speaker shakes his head. "The Light wields you, Osiris. You are what you make of it. A glorious extension of its majesty, in many directions." Osiris paces at cadence with his words. "Then it would do well to speak clearly. To better direct me." The Speaker cocks his head. "Without will? Then it would be no better than the Darkness." "I am asking only for guidance; it is a delicate game we are playing." Osiris's voice, distressed. Regal again, the Speaker motions to the stone garden. "Will you sit with me?"

13: Margins Part II.

And, while I don’t particularly like using the Fall of Osiris comic as a source, it does have very important lines on his viewpoints that I find relevant yet.

Fall of Osiris #1.

Hell he was open about his plans to fuck with time itself to bring Saint back.

Sagira narrowed her eye at the rogue Lightbearer and lowered herself to Osiris’s shoulder. “Why’s he here?” she asked quietly. “I asked him to consult on the engineering work,” Osiris replied, crossing his arms. “You sicko,” the other man declared, walking a circle around the Warlock, his eyes darting along every surface of the Sundial around them. ... “Just one more question, then. Why all the fuss?” “I owe him.” “I owe a lotta people, Warlock. You’re opening the gates of hell with a Vex key.” “When the Traveler brought me back, I had no friends. No family—” “No one had anything in the Dark Age.” “But Saint was always there. And I saw him grow from neophyte to demigod.”

The Sundial.

"You haven't left the Forest in years," Ikora said to Osiris, the only one to address him directly. "I need help," Osiris replied. "I know," Ikora responded, hands clasped behind her back. She stared intently at her former mentor. Back in her Crucible days, that uncompromising gaze was often the last thing her opponents saw. Aunor glanced sidelong at her superior. Harper coughed and looked down at his datapad. "Two years ago, Guardians entered the Infinite Forest," Osiris continued. "They aided me in defeating the Axis Mind Panoptes, preventing a Vex apocalypse from befalling this system. "In the process," he looked between each of them in turn, "Some Guardians reported a body they found in the Forest depths." Ikora sighed. "Saint-14 never came back from that last mission to Mercury. We finally knew why. I reacted to it the only way I knew how."

Desperate Times.

“I do not understand all of this code. This is Geppetto’s specialty,” Saint-14 says while standing bent over a wide desk covered in data tablets. Holographic images of the Lighthouse shimmer in the Hangar lights. “We could use the Crucible right now. Your trials. This will be very helpful. You mean to stay, yes?” “I will. Long enough to show you how to implement the simulation; but tonight, I must disembark,” Osiris says. “So soon?” Osiris tenses his jaw in forced silence. He twiddles with code. “I’m worried about what Vance found.” Saint places a heavy hand on Osiris’s chest. “Let go of your obsession. Do not leave chasing phantoms again.” “Phantoms… You think the Darkness is satisfied? This is just the first move. I need to know the next before it’s made.” “If there is something you fear, let me help you. We face this together.” Osiris’s mind drifts to the Dark anomalies. Saint doesn’t need another burden. “The safest place for you is the Tower, Saint. Time... tends to renege on its gifts.” “So, your mission is dangerous?” Osiris considers lying. “Potentially.”

Immolant I.

There are many more sources I could list on his bluntness and honesty but there’s honestly too much. What is important to extrapolate from all of it is this:

OSIRIS SPOKE THE TRUTH NO MATTER IF IT GOT HIM IN TROUBLE. IT IS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS HE GOT EXILED.

Protecting the City & Humanity

Idk where people get the idea that he’s abandoned the City and humanity. And I don’t understand where people think it’s “typical Osiris behavior” to choose to put the City in danger.

I want to make something very clear here:

Osiris was exiled. He did not abandon the City. And though others view him as abandoning it, that wasn’t his intention. He never intentionally abandoned it. Everything he did was in pursuit of a brighter future for humanity. Let’s look at one of his lines from the Sundial activity during Dawn.

“By the time I left the City, many believed my practices to be sacrilege. But my methods have prevented countless futures not unlike the one you walk now. When it is laid out before you, would you not sacrifice anything to see this future shut?”

The Sundial.

He left because he weighed his options and he saw that humanity would have better use of him if he left. He cares A great deal about the City. He cares almost too much about it. He would never give Lakshmi the technology to cause it harm, especially knowing that she’s unstable. And I’ve seen some people think he’s playing 5D chess? In what world would he ever choose to bring harm upon humanity for some sort of... agenda; which I’ve already cleared up earlier, he’s open about his plans.

Let’s look at more known lore about Osiris’s feelings of the City & humanity.

"You've wrapped your mind around an idea of your own making. I have always tolerated this fawning 'movement' of yours, but this is a step too far." Osiris seethed. Brother Vance was awestruck. He stared blankly at Osiris, unsure of what he could say to quell his anger and dissolve his frustration. "What I have discovered…" "…is dangerous enough to destroy every man, woman, and child in existence. You're meddling with forces outside your grasp," Osiris reprimanded. "I warn you here and now, remove yourself from this Lighthouse. Find a simple life. Start a family. Write music. Leave Mercury and this fool's errand behind."

Chapter 8: Idolatry.

Osiris was furious to find out Vance was experimenting in his name by endangering people for his goals. And he was especially mad that he would dive into such dangerous areas so much so that it had the potential to destroy humanity.

"It's truth." Osiris considers this. "Truth seems subjective these days," Osiris says, finally observing his entourage for the first time. Among them, a small group of men and women, stand two wayward Guardians—Warlocks, it appears—and a child. Their forlorn faces resonate with him. Castaways and believers. The weeks since his departure from the Last City have worn on him. He was used to working alone, knowing he could fall back to the City's resources should he need them. Now, adrift in the expanse of purpose, he finds himself longing for a place he could return to. A sanctuary.

Chapter 2: Postexilic.

Here’s a few lines from Season of Dawn:

“The Traveler, mutilated. Mercury, a desolate warzone. This is the bleak future the Cabal wants for us all. We do not know what has become of humanity here. I hope we will not find out.”

“There are many terrible futures, but I have not grown numb to seeing them. The future the Cabal wish for is a nightmare for humanity.”

“If the Traveler fled the system, there is a chance that the Darkness would ignore our region of the galaxy entirely. It would sacrifice our second awakening, our ability to wield the Light, but potentially continue our Golden Age. There are too many variables at risk, but it's a variant path worth investigating in the Infinite Forest.”

“This battered Mercury is a blueprint for our system. Lightless, bowed, and nothing more than fuel for an endless war. It must never come to pass.”

The Sundial.

There are many. Many. More lines I could put here about how much Osiris doesn’t want to see humanity suffering. And especially how he doesn’t want the City to be at risk. But I think you get the picture.

Know that the Vex are true Evil.

So. We all know Osiris as “the Vex guy.” His whole thing is on fighting the Vex. However it seems people think that he’d be okay with using them for grounds of a higher purpose? Or something? I don’t know, everyone I see rebuffing Osiris’s actions with Lakshmi don’t seem to be interested in explaining this one.

So anyways. Let’s talk about how Osiris views the Vex as true evil compared to other species.

“The Fallen are not so different from us. How hard would you fight if the Light were taken from you?” “Those stories ring false to me,” said Saint. “They are not a noble people. I’ve fought them, and so have you.” “I have not fought them all,” the Warlock replied, pulling his hands apart to create an intricate web of hovering cubes and points of light. “They are nothing, no threat—not like the Vex. Not like the Darkness.”

Vanguard Commander.

[u.2:06] Have you spoken to the House of Light, like I asked? [u.1:07] I would rather not speak with Fallen. [u.2:07] They may need our help. Their cause is just. [u.1:08] What happened to “trust no one?” [u.2:08] What happened to your sense of right and wrong, hero?

Maintenance Operations Log 30037.

The unenlightened wonder at my so-called "fixation" upon the Vex. They believe our gravest existential threat is the Hive, for those beings have made a pact with the Darkness itself via the medium of the Worm Gods (according to Toland, at least, and I see no reason to doubt him in this). But Darkness is not merely absence of Light. Darkness is an entity unto itself. Put simply, Darkness is not Nothing. But the Vex? The Vex seek neither Light nor Darkness. They seek Convergence, the reduction of all life to its simplest, most meaningless form. An entelechy of zeros and ones. "Evil" is a word for sentimentalists and fools. But, in the ontology of the sentimental, the Vex are more deserving of the term than the Hive. Given a choice between Darkness and Convergence, I would choose Darkness. It is a logical choice. Yet for this they banish me.

Kairos Function (Hunter).

This one is important because Osiris doesn’t subscribe to the idea of “good” and “evil”, and that he would go so far to say that the Vex are Evil shows just how much of a threat he views them as.

It’s just. Mind boggling to me that people think that Osiris would be okay with a Vex invasion. That Osiris would encourage Lakshmi to open up a rift to “send the Fallen away” (Despite being one of the earliest sympathizers!) Osiris isn’t ineffable, he’s just a man trying to do his best to help humanity. His actions aren’t difficult to understand, they have been written to be very clear and with understanding his motives.

Saying that it’s natural for him to be secretive and have contradicting opinions and actions is just. Wrong. It’s not him. It’s not how he’s supposed to be understood. Even in Curse of Osiris I don’t think his actions didn’t make any sense.

This is going to sound very mean but I want to be 100% clear: If you think that Osiris would actively choose to put the City in danger of the Vex, if you think that he would actively choose to stand calmly and watch as his lover was about to die to the very things he spent millions of lives to save... You don’t understand Osiris. Go back and reread his lore.

I leave you with this:

The Vanguard is dubious of our intent and ability, fearing corruption and displacement. They do not trust me. You were held in similar contempt for speaking your truth and empowering free thought. You know what it feels like to be chastised and labeled a traitor. We are mere steps away from a disintegration of our institutions, and they cannot see destruction staring them in the face. ... For so long, we have clung to the Light, denying the strength offered by the Dark. By using Stasis, we will end this war. We see this contest for what it truly is: a game, played by our adversaries. And we have been the pawns. We are pawns no more. This is not a battle I want to wage without you, although we may not have a choice in the matter. Wherever you may be, please come back to us.

To Osiris.

#theus.exe #lore.exe #osiris #destiny osiris #osiris destiny #destiny spoilers #long post

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insufferablelust · 4 years

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I ummm woupd it be okay to ask you to do a mgg x reader smut. Like he ties reader up and fucks her but like sticks his fingers in her mouth to suck on but she is also really bratty and likes to make things hard for him (like at work) and just super dom mgg and really bratty reader. Idk I'm awkward sorry you dont have to write it I just thought maybe a suggestion I mean I really like your working and all

Finally new smut! yay! anyways i combined these two amazing mgg concepts from my queens and then turn them into this, adding my spice into it as well so i hope y’all love this! thank you for the reqs queens!! MASTERLIST OF ALL MY WORKS.

WARNINGS : Dom!Mgg x Sub!Reader, Degradation by name calling, Rough sex, Oral fixation, back seat abandoned building car sex, exhibitionism, overstimulation, lots of teasing, and all the good stuff. Plus fluffs!!! Read at your own risk❤️ leave a like and reblog, thanks!

———————

Having an actor as a boyfriend surely has its perks, one being the fact that i always gets to see how Matthew make his own version of art, his visions, as well as his god gifted talent, i must say that it warms my heart to no end, seeing him so passionate about something that he can even do in his sleep.

With perks, comes the not so pleasant ones, one of them is not seeing him for weeks sometimes. His busy schedule has put my relationship through some rocky beginnings, thankfully we made agreements and that’s settled. Of course, i could visit him whenever i want, even if it requires a plane ticket— he’ll provide it (not that you’ll take it.) but today is one of those days when the amount of missing him became greater than to actually wait patiently.

The location where Matthew currently filming, wasn’t that far from our shared house so it shouldn’t be that bad right?.... Wrong. A month into the filming process i felt the neediness present, he comes home every night yet you still miss him. He filmed during the day mostly, coming home late already tired, and then when his director gave him a time off or day or two break, he spent it by rereading scripts or working on directing his small projects.

It’s not that i didn’t understand his schedule, but something about having him so close yet so far away just chipped away any patience i have left in me. Frustrated, i grabbed the car keys and decided to go to where he was filming. I knew that he wouldn’t have a problem with you coming in, but I knew that would definitely have a problem or two about what i’ve been planning.

So you drove for an hour, until you reached the filming set, finding yourself growing expectedly needy and nervous. You texted him saying that you were on your way, the way he answered left you giggling and smiling like a schoolgirl.

“Sure sweetheart, come on over, my lunch break is at 12.15, we can have lunch together. When you got here just knock on trailer 4. Love you.”

Your knocked on his trailer door, anxiously biting your lips at the anticipation, it shouldn’t be such a big deal, you’ve visited his set couple of times before— it’s just.. what you wear and what you have in mind is making you jumpy with adrenaline coursing through your bloodstream. Only wearing one of his button ups, tucked inside the plated skirt that stop around mid-thigh. It’s one of his... kink really to see you in such a mundane outfit yet something about seeing you in his clothing on public nonetheless flick the switch inside Matthew, makes him go feral.

So as soon as he opened the trailer door, and see the sinful cladded clothing, he yanked you inside and furiously carry you to his lap as he sit down on one of the chairs. “Are you fucking crazy?” His tone sent chills down your spine, you know better than this, than to show up while he’s working, in such clothing that drove him mad. The tone in his voice plus the way he gripped your hips should’ve warned you just how mad he is. But you just innocently shrugged, and rolled you eyes, licking your lips before muttering a soft, “last time i check, i’m doing just—“

You were cut off instantly by the grip that’s now strongly held against the skin of your jawline, and the fingers that was penetrating your very lips. The act, sent your blissful sear to your core.

“Shut up, and listen here you insatiable bunny. I have to finish few more scenes, and it shouldn’t take long. I want you to be a good bunny, and behave. I’m giving you a chance to be good here, if you obey what i said, i’ll give you rewards but if i catch you disobeying me whilst i’m gone, believe me you won’t walk let alone sit for a week, pet.”

Matthew’s eyes burned holes through your skull, his fingers shoved deeper making you gag slightly, cheeks running with tears. “Do you understand, or do i have to write it down for needy whores like you hm?” His words are downright cruel yet your panties got more damper and damper. The only thing you can let out is soft whimpers and nods at him, your fingers scratching his arms to let you breathe.

“If you lie, i’ll know. Now be good, i’ll see you in a bit.” He pushed his lips against yours, kissing the tender lips softly before pulling away and then out the door.

Your heart was beating so fast, and your core ached, truly ached and sopping wet. You almost cried out at the frustration, but decided that you can take it, you’ll take it. So you decided to just lay there and tried to get some sleep. You thought the desire should’ve burned down for a bit after you wake up, but if anything it grows stronger and made you needier.

You were so desperate that you half expectedly slip your fingertips past through the waistband of your panties, sighing as you dream about the sensation of being touched by him, his fingers, his lips, his tongue, his damn cock. “Please..” You whimpered out to no one in particular, just the surrounding space on his trailer. “Matthew..” You moaned again, this time louder— loud enough that you don’t ever hear him opening the door, your eyes only opened when he slammed it, now standing in front of you, his hands tucked away inside his pants pocket.

“Matthew i—“

“Lay over my lap.” He commanded, the way he said it surely alerted all the nerves inside of you. You drew in a sharp breath, before crawling to where was sat at the edge of the chair, and lay tummy down across his lap, the skirt you wore made it easy for him to slide your panties down and shove them inside your mouth as he palmed your ass, gripping it hard, then before you could even breathe, his palm crashed against your ass cheeks.

“Count, and thank me.”

“One! Thank you Matthew!”

There’s something about her calling his name, begging him to do anything that gets him going every-time. He loves it especially when she’s basked with his scent, his clothes, him just him. Call him simply in love or obsessed, he doesn’t care as long as he’s with her. Being in control helps him relinquish all his stress, but really— it’s her who’s in control, if you want to stop he’ll stop. But he knows, both of them pleased each other and willing to go for miles just to be close and intimate.

“Five! oh! t-thank you.” Her breathing was shallow, her ass was on fire, and her core was dripping wet. This is what he loves about their relationship, the dynamics, and the amount of trusts they have with one another always sparked something inside him and her. God he would die for Y/N.

“Ten! please please!” He smiled, before yanking her hair upwards, bending down— his lips trail kisses from her neck up to her ear as he whispered, “What are you begging for, doll?”

“Touch me! please Matthew!” The way she begged turns him on like no other, yet he knows what she wants, and he’s going to give it to her. Making sure she will learn not to tease him this time.

“You’re so cute, and a mess too. I bet you love it don’t you? being a greedy mess for me?” The condescending tone of his should make her angry, but instead she moaned- she bloody moaned. “uh huh! i’m yours right?”

At that she turns to look at him in the eye, knowing just how frustrated if he sees her eyes, her damn puppy eyes. He knows her trick well enough to give her one more slap before tugging her to stand up shakily, whilst still holding onto her waist so that she won’t fall.

“Here’s what we’re going to do pet, we’re going to your car, and then we’ll wait until we get home. Okay baby?”

“No! no! no please!” Y/N whined as she stomped her foot like a child, the stern line of his jaw clenched as his palm burned and twitch with the need to reminds her to not talk like that to him. Yet he held back, decided to wait until a bit later.

“C’mon brat, fix yourself and let’s go.” And just like that, he walked away packing his things, leaving her wet and ready as tears streamed down her eyes, She’s so damn needy.

Pulling herself up, she fixed her make up as best as she can before gathering her things and catching up to him who’s already situated himself on the driver seat of her car.

If this is the game he wanted to play, then game on, Gubler.

—————

It started when they were about halfway to their house, long enough to make him believe that she’s well behaved. Uh oh, not when your girl is Y/N, she thinks. She parted her legs wide, pulling the palm that has been resting on her thigh for a while now deeper into where he could feel the heat through her panties.

“Y/N.” Matthew warned, his eyes flicking towards her, but instead of pulling back his hands— he gripped her inner thigh tightly instead causing her to whimper in delight from the mixture of pain and pleasure.

“Yes, M- Oh...” She fluttered her eyes shut as she make a dramatic arch of her back, as she felt his knuckles grazed against her puffy clit. Her free palm reached out to palm his cock through the pants he was wearing, earning strings of ‘fucking brat.’ from him which made her giggle.

“Oh, you’re enjoying this hm? Enjoy testing me like this?” Y/N innocently tilted her head, and shrug as if she’s not giving him a hand job right now. “Ah look at you, so cute. Just remember the consequences, petal.”

She giggled like an angel that she is before leaning to his side as her hand unbutton his pants, earning a loud “Don’t you dare.” From him, which she only replied with a lip bite and then took his hard cock out, gently running her fingertips against the veins.

“Oh but look baby! you’re clearly loving it right now.” She bat her eyelashes up at him before leaning down and place her warm mouth around the head of his cock, causing him to press the gas pedal a bit too hard. “You insatiable fucking minx.” He groaned, one hand on the steering wheel and the other one tangled in her hair pushing her down his cock.

Matthew was trying so hard to focus yet he just couldn’t, who’s to blame him? his girl’s warm mouth is around his cock, and the sight of her bending across the damn center console with her ruined panties on his peripheral vision doesn’t sit well with safety. Finding the nearest abandoned property and pulled over, before pulling her head up.

“Dirty whore, get in the back and get on your hands and knees.” He hissed, as he released the grip on her hair, which she obeyed immediately, crawling to the back seat on hands and knees as he waited for him. They’ve done this enough times to know which position allows them to have the best sensation.

The moment he crawled his lanky self to the backseat, her grip on the leather seat tighten— preparing herself for whats to come. She felt the grip on her waist as Matthew yanked up her skirt and then push her panties to the side before pushing his cock right into her dripping wet cunt, both of them moaning loudly, finally feeling the pleasure they’ve been teased out of each other.

Matthew didn’t spare her anytime to adjust to his impressive length as he immediately begins thrusting with a brutal pace, making sure to dug his nails onto her skin— leaving marks and indents.

“You love this don’t you? fucked in the backseat of your own car like a damn cheap whore.” He whispered harshly, causing her to buck against him— which resulted in quick violent slaps against her ass as he pound his cock into her like a maniac.

“Yours— yours Matthew, fuck.” She cried out, feeling the way his cock nudge her spot every time he thrusted inside making her mewls. Matthew yanked her hair back so Y/N’s back flushed against his front, slowing down his pace.

“You wanna cum baby? yeah?” He muttered darkly, his thrusts slowing down but pressing deeper that she could even feel it inside her tummy. Y/N tried to find the words but she just couldn’t, not when his cock is perfectly nudged against her spot so she cried out a loud yes instead and hoped that her boyfriend would give her mercy.

“Cum, go on..” She let out a confused moan, knowing that he usually don’t let her cum this easy, but paying no mind as she came around his cock, and screamed into the leather seat as Matthew released the grip on her hair.

He let her ride out her orgasm, and she was about to thank him and offered him a blowjob because she think she can’t take anymore pounding feeling overly overstimulated— yet that thought drowned as soon as his hips bucks up and continue to thrust her in a much faster and hard pace causing her to let out screams.

“No! n-no ah! Matthew! too much oh too much!”

“Shh, take it. You want to cum right? so you’ll keep on coming, baby go on.” He laughed against her ear as he keeps on thrusting, feeling himself got close. “N-please..”

“Cum again come on.” He hissed as he could feel the way her walls tightened so deliciously, encasing her velvet around his cock. The minute her screams went high pitched and her body violently shake, he knew she just came and that sent him to shoot heavy spurts inside of her, with heavy breathing and whispers, “Shit. You did so good baby, so so good, Y/N..”

—————

They both come down from their high slowly as Matthew pulled out of her, immediately pulling some tissues from her bag and wipe them both gently— trying not to cause any pain. “Shh it’s okay.. come here baby.” He said as he placed her on top of his lap after he cleaned them both.

“Hey.. I love you so much Y/N.” He whispered, fingers playing with her hair as she smiled against his sweaty neck and whisper a soft “I love you, Matthew. sorry for being a brat.” Which earned her a laugh from him,

“I still love you even if you’re being bratty. Just give me more reason to put you back in your place right princess?” He then move his fingertips to stroke her cheeks, feeling the flesh warmed up to his touch, as his thumb pressed against her lips.

She then opened her lips slowly, letting him push his thumb inside to let her suckle on it. Sometimes after a particularly rough sex like this or just generally when she’s trying to calm herself down, he would let her suck on his fingers. His girl surely has an oral fixation, but its also coping mechanism.

As he heard her breathing slow and even, he smiled— knowing she’s asleep. He waited for few more minutes before laying her on the back seat with a blanket covering her that he pulled out from the trunk, pressing one last kiss on her forehead before going back to the driver seat and then drive back home.

The day was perfect, and Matthew wouldn’t trade it with anything else.

———————

Blurb Reqs are open, send in your requests now. ❤️ thank you for supporting.

#insufferableblurb #criminal minds imagines #criminal minds smut #dom!spencer #dom!mgg #mgg smut #matthew gray gubler smut #matthew gray gubler fluff #mgg fluff #spencer reid smut

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btsandvmin · 3 years

Text

Ask: Reply - 2021.03.25

Time to go through some of your asks! I am glad you seemed to like the new format and I’ll keep it up for now. (If you have any suggestions for improvement feel free to comment.) I got a lot this time and with pretty varying topics, so it took a while for me to write this even if it still seems pretty sloppy. I also got two asks I just answer briefly but didn’t want to include due to the topics. Anyways, let’s get to it. :)

Topics:

Ask 1 - Anon share about shipping Ji/hope and becoming a Vminie Ask 2 - Reasons to ship Vmin and no leaks of a relationship (+ rumors ask) Ask 3 - Stress over my analysis “making people delusional” Ask 4 - Tae/kook and Ji/kook being big ships (+t/k shippers ask) Ask 5 - Not enjoying a bond because of it’s shippers Ask 6 - Vmin videocall while getting make-up. Ask 7 - Vmin shaking hands Ask 8 - Wheesa from Mamamoo Ask 9 - Any wholesome fic recs?

(I got a few more left, but the post was getting long, so I’ll save them for next time. I promise I’ll answer them in my next ask post.)

Ask 1 - Anon share about shipping Ji/hope and becoming a Vminie

Hi and thank you for sharing your story, I always find it interesting to read how people found their way to Vmin and in particular if they shipped something else first. Don’t worry about it being long, it was a fun read. :)

I see what you mean with there being “something about Jimin” and I actually think he is so shippable with all BTS members. He truly works so well and is so sweet and cute with all of them. I also think Ji/hope (as many hyung x maknae line ships) is a very underrated ship. And they used to be very big on the fanservice on stage in the early years too so they definitely have some “questionable moments” in that sense as well.

I think the way Jimin express his love for all his members is amazing and has probably lead to all of them expressing their love a lot more opnely. Think of how Jimin started their tradition of giving gifts for their birthdays for example. Honestly, all BTS ships are good ships but I really think Jimin’s way of being so openly affectionate just makes all his ships very soft and full of love. But yes, more love to Ji/hope please, because they have a lot of great moments.

It’s interesting how you say you were affected by the platonic label Vmin has. I really think it’s very strong and works very well on a majority of the fandom and on most people that don’t dig a bit deeper and question what Vmin have actually done. That being said, a lot of the surface level things for all ships are great, and I do think you really have to deep dive into a ship to get the more actually questionable moments a lot of the time. And I think with Vmin this hasn’t been done so much, so people might be surprised when they actually do look closer.

I also like how the lipstick moment and the kissing the doll moments made you end up questioning Vmin. For me who has looked at Vmin for so long these were just more examples of things I had already seen, but I am sure many newer fans (just like you did) would react and look twice at these moments. I’ll tell you though, these moments are just barely scratching the surface of questionable things that Vmin have done.

I am glad you like my blog and think the things I say makes sense, though I do want to be clear and say it’s just me guessing and making theories. I am glad they make sense, but I could still be wrong. :P Thank you again for sharing your own story, and I hope you will keep on enjoying Vmin and my blog. <3

Ask 2 - Reasons to ship Vmin and no leaks of a relationship (rumors)

I mean, I think I have shared my reasons to ship Vmin in pretty much every post I have ever done on this blog. There’s a lot of them after all... But if you haven’t already I would suggest checking out my posts 10 Reasons to ship Vmin and 10 more reasons to ship Vmin.

I stress the point that Vmin could easily be platonic but simply extremely close all the time as well, so we could definitely be reading too much into things. Of course this goes for all shippers (or rather believers, there is a difference after all). I suspect your question might not be about shipping but rather if Vmin could be real and what reasons I might have to think that is possible. You can check my post Shipping vs Believing if you want to know how I view things very differently when it comes to simply shipping and anything that goes beyond shipping).

As for what makes Vmin stand out as more likely compared to other ships I guess the main things I take into account are: The songs, Vmin being careful (including friendzoning and other members’ reactions to them), their sometimes contradicting behavior (like them being soulmates but seemingly being awkward with some things or not being together as much as we might expect etc.), the way they do some very romantic looking things and have increased those behaviors over time and then just a lot of interesting moments and their close relationship in general. Also, soulmates is not a label to underestimate.

As for leaks I think you have to ask the same question for all idols, and all relationships. I mean, how many leaks of any BTS relationship have we gotten? I don’t think the guys have lived in celibate for their whole careers. Not to mention a lot of idols date secretly, and for LGBT+ idols I am sure they would be even more careful. But at the same time people also would likely be less suspicious unless they do something very obvious. I mean, think of all the things we have seen BTS do openly. I also think we have to remember that if it’s something that the fans doesn’t want to know or believe it also is less likely to get spread. For example that an idol they love would be LGBT+... because heteronormativity and homophobia is not to be taken lightly either. I also think you underestimate how many secrets insiders in all entertainment industries are keeping. I am sure many idols are pretty open with their dating to many, but it doesn’t get spread because there is a risk with being the whistle blower as well. Perhaps in particular with exposing someone’s sexuality which could ruin their whole career... And any person trying to ruin BTS’s reputation at this point might honestly get lynched by all of Korea.

I also know some rumors (not about sexuality) even gets pushed away as spread by antis etc. So sometimes even when rumors leak they get shut down. In the end there are a lot of rumors floating around, many that contradict each other as well, but I don’t think lack of rumors has to mean it is impossible for it to be happening. Again, many in the LGBT+ community aren’t even out to their own family and manages to hide that... We don’t know enough about how two members in a relationship would be or how open they would be to begin with. I suspect in the case of Vmin they would be very careful and only a select few would know.

There could also be leaks, but they don’t reach the mainstream fandom. Like how I learned about the problems and disbandment talk back in the summer of 2018. Some things definitely do get leaked, but it is also very difficult to know if they are real or not until confirmed.

But I do think if a couple is real and they are pretty open with it, eventually they would either be in an obvious glass closet or there would be rumors or even confirmation. Because if a couple isn’t careful to begin with then they clearly risk exposure and likely wouldn’t mind too much to be outed.

It’s definitely a complicated topic, and a whole world we as fans don’t know enough about to even come to any real conclusions. So don’t worry about not knowing, it’s not like we as outsider can easily know how things work as they are likely even different for each company, group, couple, individual etc.

I also want to adress one ask I got but won’t include, about a particular sasaeng rumor ((part of ask: there was news going around by saesung (idk if I spelled it right sorry)...)). I only have two things to say, because I don’t want to spread any of these rumors or want any of you to look for these things.

1. Rumors are rumors, we have no idea what sources they come from and many times they also contradict each other. Often they can be spread by antis of some kind with an agenda to hurt or worry. It’s better to simply pay them no attention most of the time.

2. If the rumors are ridiculous in nature, as the one you asked about, it’s even better to not spread it further. In this case it would go against the personalities of the members and against their own words. It would mean BTS lied to us straight to our faces about something there is no reason to lie about, and thus doesn’t have any reason to happen to begin with. Be open of course, but also think critically. Don’t worry in vain, just try to ignore stuff like this.

Ask 3 - Stress over my analysis “making people delusional”

Thank you a lot @phantomavenger, your message really soothes me. This is a dilemma I’ve struggled with a lot over the years actually. If sharing stuff and theories about Vmin might not be good, no matter if I am right or wrong. Because if Vmin are together I am basically working to exposing them against their will and if I am wrong I might be a factor in people believing in something that isn’t real, which might end up hurting them.

I usually end up thinking that maybe it’s better for things to come from me with a more nuanced take than that someone else finds it and it spreads in a more uncontrolled and delusional way right away. If that makes sense? I know this might sound very conceited, but since I know my words are being spread I at least hope to make people understand the importance of not jumping to conclusions and sounding too sure of anything we don’t really know. Again, a lot of ships have believers, and that says something. We should all be careful both for our own sake and for the privacy of the boys. Normalizing delusional behavior is what usually leads to worse and worse things being done “in the name of the ship” as well and I just don’t want that from Vminies. The trickle down effect of people misunderstanding or twisting my words is also a bit scary. There are also so many shipper at this point that I think most things I point out will eventually likely be pointed out or noticed by someone else anyway, so...

But you are right, I can’t take responsibility for people taking my things out of context or getting convinced even though I try to tell them not to. In the end I write analysis on Vmin because I don’t think anything I find is enough to actually prove anything (this goes for all ships btw). I’ll share my analysis and with it I will also have many reasons on why shipping real people and “knowing a ship is real” is so much more difficult than many seem to think.

Here’s a sneak peak in case anyone is interested.

Don’t worry, I’ll try to edit it and make it more concise. Thank you again for your kind words and reassurance. :)

Ask 4 - Tae/kook and Ji/kook being big ships

Hi, and wecome to the fandom! I hope you will enjoy being an ARMY and keep liking Vmin. :3

I answered recently about big ships (Ask: Reply - 2021.03.18 Ask 3 - What makes a ship big?) and I’ve talked about popularity regarding these certain ships before as well in Why do you think Vmin get so brozoned by the fandom?

First I would like to say that “vibes” to me doesn’t really say much... All shippers clearly have their own perception of the members and their dynamics, otherwise everyone would ship the same thing. That being said I think projecting is part of many shippers’ reasons to ship and definitely think it’s part in why JK ships in general are very popular. Not just within BTS but for straight ships as well.

I don’t think there is ever one simple reason for why someone ships something, and same for why they might think a pair is actually together. Me might all have our own reasons for why we like a certain ship. For me all ships in BTS have good enough chemistry and dynamics to be shipped and I don’t think there is anything weird with those ships being popular. Especially since they’ve basically been popular since the start for their own reasons and then simply kept growing.

In short I think these things might play a big part in why some ships get bigger than others:

1. Projecting and falling for a ship similar to your own preference in a relationship 2. Amount of moments, and type of moments. 3. Type of relationship and the fandom view. Some dynamics will draw people in more even if it’s only percieved dynamics and stereotyping. Sexual tension and complicated drama is more “fun” than “friends to lovers” trope. 4. How popular they are. Big ships will grow bigger faster. More exposure and material by fans might make people find big ships easier. 5. Room for analysis. Honestly, if a ship seems “complicated” it might be more interesting to dig deeper into. So when people see analysis of ji/kook or tae/kook they get interested and might get more involved. Basically if analysis are being made it will make people more invested, and for Vmin it’s not that people can’t analyze them, but rather that not many have. So you won’t find as many fans deep diving and looking harder at Vmin compared to many other ships.

Again, ships might be popular for many different reasons, but I don’t think size of a ship really is that important. Just ship and let others ship what they like as well.

I also want to briefly adress an ask I got but that I won’t post, because I got yet another ask about Tae/kook. I’m sorry I won’t include the ask but I definitely agree with your comment to “Look at V as an individual person, not part of a ship”. This should be obvious and apply for all shippers.

But I do want to say that I don’t think shipping a particular pair is the problem, it’s how you do it. I personally see no problem with shipping anything as long as it only is shipping, which is a fantasy. I ship Chen x Baekhyun from EXO and Chen is married... I simply enjoy their dynamic as a fantasy. Just like how I enjoy characters in a book or movie I am aware it isn’t real. I mostly see shipping as a problem when you let it affect how you behave towards people with different opinions or if you push it onto the people themselves which is never ok (even if it would be real). Of course there are many examples of shippers taking things too far, but I don’t think the ship in itself is the problem, but again what those shippers might do. So yeah, I condone any shipper who crosses the line and push things onto the members, but I don’t think shipping in itself is bad.

Ask 5 - Not enjoying a bond because of it’s shippers

Hi, and first of all I am sorry you are feeling like this. I think sadly this is quite a common problem, and I am not sure I have any good answers for you. But I’ll try. I do recognize this feeling though I have mostly felt it in other fandoms where shippers of “rival” ships got me so annoyed it was difficult to not just see the shippers’ reactions every time they had a moment. Which made it less fun and sometimes hard to enjoy their moments even though I would have usually. What I did in that case was actually stop engaging in the fandom all together for a while, to take a step back as many of my own fellow shippers’ negativity about the other shippers and their theories affected me as well (btw this was a fictional ship so it’s quite different in many ways).

It’s sad when shipping affect us this much, but it can be hard when we invest so much time and get so much enjoyment out of it. I am not sure how bad you feel, but I think when you feel conflicted (possibly cognitive dissonance) when coming across ji/kook content it might have gone a bit too far (I talk about it a bit in this post) and be too attached to the idea of your own ship. If so you might want to consider taking a step back and engage with the fandom less and just focus on enjoying the actual content we get. If you simply react due to shippers and don’t actually care if ji/kook are happy together (or even would be real) I would simply suggest trying to stay away from those people. Sadly over analyzing the members happens a lot and will likely not stop anytime soon. I know it’s not that easy, but I don’t really have any better advice. Try to find places you can be while feeling happy, or take a break if you have to. Distance and time might help at times and I know many people who take breaks from their fandoms when they get too much for them and they get less enjoyment from being part of the community.

For me I did also have a period when looking at Ji/kook made me a bit annoyed or even sad. It was during a period when I was extra sensitive and wasn’t feeling very good so even small things affected me more than they should. But it had less to do with Ji/kook and more to do with consuming very toxic narratives from Ji/kook shippers that basically included Vmin being fake or played up. The idea of Vmin being fake hurts me much more than any other ship being real. Consuming a lot of quite toxic Ji/kook theories made me think Ji/kook being real would equal Vmin being fake and thus seeing Ji/kook hurt a bit.

What worked for me was realizing that this narrative makes no actual sense and there is no point in me worrying about Vmin being fake. And if they would be I know my reaction would simply be to walk away as I wouldn’t enjoy BTS if they lie about things there is no reason to lie about. This took away the feeling of being insecure, and I can be happy with just knowing Vmin are soulmates, no matter what kind.

I also stopped looking up analysis of other ships and simply keep in mind that even if other ships are real it doesn’t change the bond between Vmin. I know enough about other ships to see their weird moments and to know I shouldn’t be certain about my own ship. I can also see what other shippers might see in a moment on my own at this point, so I do see how seeing moments might make you just think of what theories it might lead to. For me it was about changing my own mindset about other ships vs Vmin and to simply not consume content that was toxic or made me feel bad. Basically, even if Ji/kook or any other ship would be real it wouldn’t bother me as I know what Vmin has is still incredibly special and genuine.

To me this worked, but every person has their own limits. I would suggest backing off from consuming shipping content and simply look at how much the actual content shows the love between the boys. And also if possible try to get with the idea that even if another ship is real, that isn’t neccessarily bad. I would be happy for any ship if it was real at this point as long as they make each other happy, and I don’t feel threatened by other ships because of it.

As for shippers being bad or toxic, sadly with size and confidence it seems to happen a lot. I simply don’t bother with antis or over analyzing shippers of any kind that put very negative narratives on the boys. I know there will always be some bad ones in all bigger fandoms, so I try to not let it affect me too much. In fact I feel more hurt when my own ship communities engage in toxic behavior as that is harder to ignore and walk away from.

Thank you for sharing your struggles and I hope I could help maybe even a little. I know it’s not easy and as you say the guilt is also hard to deal with. I know I might have strayed away from your actual issue, but it’s a very difficult topic for me too. But at least your worry shows you truly do care for the members and don’t want to see them in a negative light. Just try to do what you need to do to feel better, even if it might be hard to do. Also thank you so much for liking my blog. <3

Ask 6 - Vmin videocall while getting make-up.

I am going to be frank here, this is a moment where fans most likely saw incorrectly and then some still spread it as a Vmin moment. I know people debated about it when it happened and I am sure people still have different opinions on it. But for me since it seems pretty clear the screen corresponds with how Tae moves the phone and takes a picture of himself. I think it was on selfie mode, not that it was a video call. This image I found might be edited because it look very much like Jimin, but it could also be accidental that this screenshot really really looked like him. I know it really looks like Jimin and the paleness of the screen makes it difficult to know... But if you watch the video in it’s original size and quality you see it’s Tae pretty clearly.

The video is [BANGTAN BOMB] Jin's Sunglasses Collection in Hong Kong - BTS (방탄소년단). You can watch it around 2.10. Sorry for bursting the bubble. But hey, at least we know Vmin actually do facetime each other despite how much they see each other. :)

Ask 7 - Vmin and shaking hands

Vmin really are extra with the shaking (and holding/touching) hands, aren’t they? To be fair I think they do this quite a lot with other members as well, but it’s still definitely a Vmin thing. ;)

As for Brooklyn 99 I have watched clips, but not the full show, so I know who Holt and Kevin are... But I didn’t know they did that. That’s really sweet. Though obviously it sucks they can’t just be like any other couple and would have to make hand shaking their public display of affection (though I suppose it could just be their personalities as well? Like I said I don’t know the show too well.)

Funny but I actually wrote a little drabble Vmin part of something similar at one point... Though it wasn’t about shaking hands but instead fist bumps, as Vmin was doing that a lot at that time. I just find the idea of Vmin making anything normal into something cute and intimate, like an inside joke, very endearing. Thank you for sharing. :)

Ask 8 - Wheesa from Mamamoo

Thank you for sharing this cute moment. :) I really do like Mamamoo and from the few moments I have seen with them they seem really sweet with each other. Also I love Twit, it’s such a bop!

Wouldn’t it be amazing if Vmin followed suit and Jimin appears in Tae’s MV for KTH1? :3

Ask 9 - Any wholesome fic recs?

Hi and thank you for your kind words. :3 English isn’t my native language and I struggle with being articulate sometimes, so your comment makes me really happy. :)

As for fics I am sorry, I have two big fic recs and I feel most of my favorites are included in those. (Huge Vmin fic rec and Vmin fic rec - Canon compliant) I know they don’t have any indications of rating etc. but for now looking through these lists to check if they fit what you like is what I have. If anyone has any particularly wholesome BTS fics to rec feel free to add them in the replies. :) Thank you and sorry for not coming with any actual recs in this reply.

And that will conclude this post as it was starting to get a little long. :) I do have some asks left, and I’ll try to answer them as soon as I can with my next post. Thank you all for your interesting questions and shared stories. I hope you found this post enjoyable, or at least worth a read, as it included some pretty heavy topics.

#vmin #btsandvmin #Btsandvmin ask #ask: reply #vmin analysis #bts shipping #Btsandvmin answer #My post

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sincerelymarinette · 4 years

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A Recorded Life (48/50) - Miraculous Ladybug

Words: 1597 Chapter Summary: Time to figure out what they found at the Agreste Mansion and take some action. Soon enough this war with Hawkmoth will end... Author's Note: I lowkey love this chapter. Gives out underdogs some more screentime :) only two chapters left and I'm so excited to write them!! ALSO, IT'S OFFICIAL! There will be a mini-sequel!! Mayve 5-10 parts because I really want to touch on what happens after this story in my youtube au universe and I feel like the chapters of this youtube au have been lacking actual videos oops. Keep an eye out for that after the story ends! (On wattpad, it will be posted in the same book!)

Prev / Next / Masterlist

Tracking

---

Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Rena Rouge found everything they needed at the mansion. Alya was able to download pretty much everything on Gabriel's computer, even the locked stuff. It would take her a little longer to crack it, but she would get into that soon enough. Plus, there was a hit on the bug. They all knew it wasn't them because it was planted as they were leaving last time, and it wasn't Gorilla because he has been staying at the Bourgeois hotel to accommodate him while he's out of a job. He wouldn't go back to the Mansion; it would put him at risk, and Adrien didn't think that was a possibility.

Since the bug had a hit, they got out of the Mansion as fast as they could. They don't know what would happen if they ran into Hawkmoth without the full team, and with their guard down, it was better to stick together. Luckily, getting back to the bakery was easy, and as Alya worked on her computer with Nino, the other three listened to the bug.

There was a lot of muffled noise, like walking and random buzzing, but once they heard a deep voice, they all perked up. It wasn't the easiest thing to understand, but they were still able to get something out of it.

"That Akuma was a mistake," The voice of Adrien's dad grumbled. "They needed to shut up."

"Well, it's too late for that," Nathalie's voice came through much quieter. "We shouldn't even be here. We should get back to the-"

It got quiet, and the team assumed there was a silent action that made them stop. "No, I need to check on something," Gabriel insisted. "We will go back to being off the gird soon. Just trust me," He said.

"Yes," Nathalie said. "You're sure Adrien doesn't know about the Etserga home?" She asked.

"Positive. His mother and I kept it a secret from him just in case. Sure, this wasn't its intended use, but it's working-" They paused again. "They've been here...recently. We have to go," He said quickly, and their footsteps followed, running.

Adrien looked confused. "The what home?" He said just above a whisper.

"I heard et-something," Chloé said.

"Alya," Marinette turned to her. "Anything about a home starting with e-t?" She asked. Alya nodded as she typed away, and a few seconds later, put her head in her hand.

She sighed loudly. "Well, we never did say Hawkmoth was the smartest. He's got something in here about Etserga, but it's a locked folder. I'll get into it, just give me a few minutes," Alya said. "But that's Agreste spelled backward," She laughed slightly and went back to typing.

Adrien turned back to the group and looked more confused than before. "I wonder why they kept it a secret from me," He said. "Seems like they were always planning to do something evil."

Marinette put her hand on Adrien's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Adrien," She said. "You know we're right here with you. He won't get away with this."

Adrien didn't respond, but a small smile grew on his face, and he shut his eyes, laying his head on Marinette's shoulder.

---

"I don't know how much time we'll have," Rena Rouge warned as she held her flute in one hand and her phone in the other. "I can hold the Mirage of us, but we don't want to take any risks," She said.

"We'll be quick," Carapace promised. "We just need to get confirmation that this is the right place," He reminded.

Queen Bee scoffed as she nearly tripped in the forest. "No wonder Adrien didn't know about this place, it's in the middle of nowhere!" She complained.

"Yeah, I think that's the point of a hideout," Carapace joked. "I still don't understand why they didn't tell him."

"Gabriel's weird, why would he?" Rena Rouge said. "Okay, stop, we're getting close," She said and put her phone down and bringing her flute to her mouth. Once she finished her song, the three blended in with the forest surrounding them. They didn't want to get too close, but this would protect them from even having the chance to be seen. "We have to be quiet, too, don't forget," She told them.

The three heroes were silent once they got closer, they had no idea what could be in this forest, and they don't want to be caught off guard. If Hawkmoth found them snooping around, they would lose everything they've been working towards.

"There's a house," Queen Bee whispered and pointed straight ahead.

"That's gotta be it," Rena Rouge nodded, looking down at her phone and back up at the house. It wasn't very big, and looked a bit run down. Probably to make it look like no one lived there, keep it out of any suspicion.

The group moved out of direct sight of the house and hid behind a few trees. "Just because he can't see us doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful," Rena Rouge said. "Let's do this quick and get back to Marinette and Adrien," She said.

"Got it," Both Carapace and Queen Bee responded at the same time.

"Shell off," Carapace called quietly. It took Wayzz a few seconds to adjust to being out of the bracelet, and Nino gave him a quick snack. Once Wayzz adjusted, he took his part in the plan. Wayzz sighed. "He's definitely in there; I can feel Nooroo. He's sad and nervous," He said. "I've felt Nooroo before, but this is much worse," He reported.

Rena Rouge nodded. "Great. I'll let Marinette know we're coming back. Suit up and let's get out of here," She said. "This ends soon."

---

Adrien and Marinette sat out the visit to the woods. They knew Alya, Nino, and Chloé could handle it alone, and it could have caused issues if all five went. Besides, Adrien was exhausted, and if they were right, this fight could happen sooner than expected, and Adrien needed to be rested.

He still couldn't believe that his mother was in a secret garden basement the whole time. It had been years, and he thought he and his father had finally gotten through all the pain...but no. Adrien needed a mental break, which is also why they stayed back.

Adrien and Marinette sat on the couch with a random movie playing. Adrien was focused on the movie, and it was nice to have a distraction. Marinette distracted herself with editing a fashion video she filmed a few weeks ago- she had a few as "in case" recordings if she was going to miss an upload day. Though her upload streak has majorly died recently, due to essential circumstances, editing videos always got her mind focused and off the superhero world.

She decided to take a break and look at some recent comments on her videos. She was a little afraid of what she would find, but she wanted to know what her fans thought.

I miss marinettes daily videos but i hope her and everyone is doing okay. I can't imagine the kind of mental and psycial stress the crew is under right now. Mari, we stand behind you!!

I love mari and her crew. I can't wait for them to kick hm's ass once and for all. You guys got this!

ugh i get why she cant upload but i miss her and adrien. they always make me so happy

Adrien idk if you read mari's comments but if you do: I love you and I hope you're doing okay, I can't imagine what you're going through and I wish you the best. Mari give Adrien a big hug from all of us!

I can't wait to see how the world changes after they get rid of hawkmoth, like that will be iconic. I hope they record his demise.

> I hope they don't, that will be traumatic for Adrien to see everywhere. For all of them really, please be considerate

>> yes taking him down will be iconic, but we need to remember they are actual people...TEENAGERS having to do this

mari adrien alya nino chloe thank you

Mari is a BOSS, you're doing amazing. I'll keep watching all your videos over and over and over again to keep supporting you in any way I can. I'm not from Paris but i know they love you!!

Marinette was pleasantly surprised by how kind most of her comments were. They were sensitive to her situation, but she wasn't sure what changed. She hasn't been on social media at all recently, so maybe some nationwide campaign about being kind to the heroes happened. Honestly, she wouldn't be surprised at this point. Nothing really surprises her anymore.

"They're there!" Alya, Nino, and Chloé shouted as the burst through the door.

The sudden noise scared Marinette and Adrien, and they were both staring at the group with wide eyes, more awake than ever. "Wayzz could feel Nooroo. We found them," Alya clarified.

"Great," Marinette nodded, set her computer on the couch, and stood up. "Then we go through with the plan."

"If I may," Wayzz flew from behind Nino. "You all are a great team and I support the plan. But please remember that Hawkmoth has made it clear that he does not care that you are kids or his son. He is ruthless," Wayzz said. "And he's not holding back anymore."

Marinette looked from Adrien to Tikki, who was floating next to her. She looked back at the group as a whole. "Then neither are we."

---

@lady-of-the-roses-and-lilies @bookishserendipity03 @avatheexceed @gkz10 @coccinellegirl @kat-thatoneweirdo @strawberryblondish @snow-swordswoman @lilgaga98 @evufries @toodaloo-kangaroo

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afishcalledfatin · 5 years

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Dr KIM

ALL MY COVERS HAVE THE NAME ‘INSOMNIAC’ BECAUSE IT WAS FROM MY OTHER ACCOUNT!!

Summary: Doyoung, the straight-forward oncologist who won’t hesitate to tell someone off struggles to admit his feelings for the fellow who is a great listener.

Pairing: doctor!doyoung x fem reader

Genre: fluff

• A oncologist, one of the best in the country

• Won’t hesitate to say what he feels to anyone including Dr Lee Donghyuck

• But fails cause Donghyuck claps back

• also cause for some reason, Doyoung can’t defeat him in A N Y T H I N G.

• “Once… just once let me win.” “Hmm, let me think about it… HAHAH SIKE YOU WERE FOOLED.”

• Part of the “handsome doctors” group

• Has the cleanest office

• Will lint roll his furniture.

• Has a mini fridge, kettle and snack stash cause he hates leaving his office unless he has too.

• “Ah hyung, let’s go get some muffins!” “Do I look like I have the energy to get some muffins?”

• Will not be scared to tell someone off especially if their being disrespectful.

• Absolutely hates it when someone looks down on others just cause they think they have power.

• “Just cause you’re his senior doesn’t give you the right to call him useless. That’s basic knowledge. Learn to respect others if you demand it so much.” *AIR HORN BLARING IN THE BACKGROUD*

• Working with him is cool cause he’s very detailed in his work

• Will want to know every symptom of every patient.

• Which kind of sucks for the residents but hey! It’s good experience to get scolded by Dr Kim once in a while.

• The rest of the guys gave him the nickname Bunny Prince because of the way he eats. Hated it at first but it grew on him.

• “Aw, is our lil’ bunny prince enjoying his carrot sticks?” he would sigh and roll his eyes. “Yes, Taeil~”

• Barely changes his hair colours like Dr Seo and Dr Moon.

• Which is why almost half the staff in the oncology department was shocked to see light brown hair.

• He lost a bet to Donghyuck… sigh

• But dyed it back to black soon after

• He did dye his hair alot when he was younger but now he sticks to black and brown.

• Favourite drink is caramel coffee.

• Loves watches.

• Idk I see him as a guy who would love collecting watches as a hobby

• Would be super proud about his collection.

• Flexing a new one by rolling up his sleeves to his elbows.

• Okay but imagine tho. Oh damn

• He also likes to collect candles.

• Would change the candles according the season

• “Ahhh, autumn mornings.”

• Loves spring time the most though

• For some reason he and Dr Lee are always bickering???

• “Yah! Stop hogging the soju.” “If you stop taking all the good chicken parts then I’ll consider giving you some.” “I swear to god Doyoung, I’ll steal your candles.” “YOU TOUCH THEM AND I’LL GIVE MIN JAE A BUCKET OF CANDY. SUFFER.” “YOU WOULDN’T DARE!” “TRY ME.”

• (Who is Min Jae you ask? Well, click on Dr. LEE to find out!)

• He’s one of the busiest among the group

• Besides him not leaving his office, he’s always with his patients or in the OR.

• He sometimes get emotionally attached to some of his patients.

• Which is sad especially since… well you’ll find out soon.

• He always visits his patients, no matter what.

• When he is free, especially if they’re young and if they’re parents aren’t around, he would stay with the patient and just talk.

• “Doctor… will I die?” the teenager asked, tears forming. Doyoung automatically grabbed his hand. “Hey, hey, I know you’re scared but you need to be strong okay? Don’t think of all the bad things and just focus and being healthy and happy. Please, stay strong.” He tightly held onto the young boy’s hand.

• The rest of the guys understand and don’t pester him as much.

• Doyoung has gone on dates before but he never really saw himself with those girls.

• Until you walked in.

• You were doing your fellowship at that hospital. You walked in slightly nervous to meet your seniors.

• You were greeted by one of the nurses, Jaemin.

• “Oh, Dr Kim is in charge around here. Have you met him before?”

• “Sort of? I’ve attended his seminars before.”

• Jaemin’s eyes widen. “That’s cool! I’ve always wanted to attend but-”

• “Jaemin, you don’t have to attend my seminars. You can come and personally see me. I have no problem with that.” You and Jaemin turned to hear to see Dr Kim leaning on one of the pillars.

• He walked to you taking big steps.

• “Welcome Dr Y/L/N. I’m Dr Kim. Nurse Na, you can go now.” Jaemin walked away, leaving you with Dr Kim.

• “Follow me.” He said. You walked behind him, staring at his shoulders.

• “Holy crap, his shoulders are so wide.” You thought.

• “Thank you, I workout as much as I can.” You face palm.

• You have the habit of accidentally saying your thoughts. Which leads you into funny situations.

• It was your first day and you were already embarrassing yourself.

• “Sorry… bad habit.” You muttered.

• You worked alongside Dr Kim, assisting him in surgeries. It’s been 5 months and you don’t know anything about him.

• He was very quiet. He would only talk to you when he had to.

• “Dr Y/L/N, we need to visit the VIP ward.” He said, quite begrudgingly.

• The VIP ward wasn’t always so bad but because of Dr Kim’s straight forward nature, he always hated visiting it because there would always be some rich guy commenting about how bad the facilities are or how he isn’t being treated good enough and he would just like to set them straight but he doesn’t want to deal with it after that.

• You don’t say much during these visits either.

• You were seeing a patient who just had a tumour removed. It was quite big but thankfully it could be fully removed.

• “Yah! You doctors really don’t know how to treat me better huh? How dare you serve me this crap. I can’t even stand the sight of it.” As he pushed the food away.

• Dr Kim sighed, “Good morning to you too, Director Choi. How are you feeling?” He looked through the charts. He then passed it to you. The patient kept on being rude to Dr Kim but all he could do was smile. You always disliked coming to this certain patient.

• “Awful! Dreadful! You don’t even realise, my money is going to your salaries! Me being here is the reason you’ll be able to find food this week. I demand for better food.” He whined like a child after a tantrum.

• Jeez, I wish the anaesthesiologist had increased the dose. He won’t shut up.

• Doyoung looked at you wide eyed. Nurse Zhong and Na had to hold in their laughter.

• “HAHAH SHIT IM SCREWED I DID IT AGAIN DIDNT I?” you actually thought this time.

• “EXCUSE ME? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M THE DIRECTOR OF-”

• “And? Look, sir I know who you are.” You have had enough of this guy. “But bare in mind, this doctor you keep insulting sort of gave you a longer life span. If he did-”

• “Dr Y/L/N.” Dr Kim said sternly.

• “Don’t interrupt me. As I was saying, you’re in a hospital. Not a hotel. I’m sorry the food isn’t up to par with your exquisite palate but that’s all we have. We wouldn’t want you to starve now, would we? At your age, you shouldn’t be so angry all the time. It’s not good for you. So, I’d advise you to stop being so rude and start being nicer to those who are helping you.”

• Everyone in the room looked at you with their mouths hanging.

• “Is that all? Well Nurse Na, Nurse Zhong please check on him hourly. Keep giving the same meds. Call me or Dr Kim if you notice anything strange. Thank you and have a nice day.” You walked out.

• You quickly walked towards the elevator before you felt a hand tug you sharply.

• You were pushed against the wall with his hands caging you.

• (CUE CHEESY KOREAN MUSIC)

• “Care to explain what just happened? You just risked the entire oncology department and your job here, I deserve to know why you were so reckless.” He said. You winced at the sharp tone.

• “Gladly. He was being rude, I told him off. That’s all.” You tried to escape but he wasn’t letting you.

• “Dr Y/L/N, if you take one more step I won’t hesitate to-” you could see he was stressed.

• “Dr Kim, I don’t think you realised what just happened. You were insulted by a patient for something you have no control over. You always stand up for the bullied but why won’t you let someone do that for you? Why won’t you say anything? Cause he’s rich? Money can only bring us so far, in the end it’s nothing but paper we humans are all obsessed with.”

• He stared at you. He didn’t know how to reply, he barely knew you but it seemed like he was looking at someone he’s known for years. His hands slowly fell to his sides and he took a step back.

• “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a phone call to make.”

• Even with that powerful speech you just made, you freaked the hell out and called for your mom.

• “Mom, I think I might get fired.” “BEHSHSHS SWEETIE WHAT’S WRONG?” you began to cry and explain to her what happened.

• News spread fast and before you knew it, people stared at you left and right.

• You were having lunch with Dr Jung and Dr Dong.

• “Y/N, you’ve been quite the topic for the last week.” Sicheng popped a grape into his mouth.

• You groaned. Dr Kim avoided you even more now, replying dryly when you asked him things.

• You hit your head onto the table and made an incoherent noise.

• “Is she okay?” Johnny sat beside you.

• “The gossip is getting to her.” Sicheng explained. Johnny pat your head, “Poor Y/N.” He cooed.

• “Dr Kim probably hates me now.” You say. Yuta suddenly appeared beside you.

• “Doyoung? Nahh. He was just shocked that you had it in you.” Yuta pulled a chair and placed his tray down.

• You sat up. “Huh?”

• “Well, Doyoung has been wanting to shut that old geezer up but he was scared. When you did it, he was in a mix of relieved and worried. He was worried that the oncology department would get into trouble and that you might lose your job.” Jaehyun told.

• “Then explain why he’s been avoiding me.” You grumbled.

• “Probably cause he doesn’t know how to talk to you. Especially after what you said to him.” Sicheng piped in.

• “He told you what I said?” they all nod. “He didn’t realise it himself but after you smacked him with facts, it kind of dawned onto him.”

• “Y/N, why don’t you try approaching him?” Johnny suggested. “Look, he may seem cold and distant but he’s actually a very emotional person. He’s just really awkward especially around girls.”

• “No way.” You said. “I’m not joking. Seriously after Soo-” Jaehyun tuts.

• “What? Who?” you asked. Jaehyun eyed the rest of them. “We shouldn’t. Maybe Doyoung would tell you if he wants to.”

• You nod and left the group to put your plate.

• “Seriously Johnny, Doyoung told us not to tell anyone about Soo Young. Nobody knows but us and the girls.” Jaehyun said. You continued to hear them but decided to leave.

• (Yeah, this happened after the other guys had girlfriends/wives. Read the others here!)

• You walked past the cafe when you thought of something.

• You knocked on his office door and waited for him to allow you to come in.

• “Come in.” You heard. When you opened the door, his eyes was on his laptop. His tie was loosened and his sleeves were rolled to his elbows. A beautiful Mont Blanc adorning his wrist.

• “Dr Kim?” he looked up and you saw his eyes widen a bit.

• “What is it?” he said tiredly

• You slid the caramel coffee and peach cookies to him.

• He eyed them and raised an eyebrow.

• “I get why you’re probably avoiding me. It was totally unprofessional of me to say that to a patient and I know it risked the department and you. But this isn’t a apology because I’m not sorry for what I did. It had to be done.” You said. You didn’t know if that was the suitable thing to say but it felt right.

• “Y/N…” you looked up. That was the first time he called you by your first name.

• “You have no idea how happy I was when you got him to shut up.” He took a cookie and bit into it. He gave you one and you ate it quietly. You avoided eye contact and saw his wrist watch.

• “That’s a nice Mont Blanc by the way. Mont Blanc Bohème, right?” you asked. He looked at you, quite surprised.

• “Yeah it is. How did you know?” “Well, my dad collected watches and this was his favourite.” “Funny, this is my favourite too.” You both sat quietly, avoiding eye contact.

• “Look, I know I may seem… cold but I’m just not used to having friends of the opposite gender. I’m still a bit awkward with the other guys girlfriends. I wanted to try to be friends with you but I didn’t know where to start.” He said. You smiled. You dust off any crumbs on your hands and stretched out your hand.

• “Well, hi. I’m Y/N Y/L/N. Nice to meet you.” He chuckled and grabbed your hand. He shook it, flashing a gummy smile. “I’m Kim Doyoung. Nice to meet you too.”

• That was when your friendship began.

• “Doyoung, let’s gooo.” “Y/N, give me a few minutes. I’m arranging my candles.” “OH I WANNA HELP!”

• You often saw his gummy smile

• you also understood why the guys called him Bunny Prince.

• “DOYOUNG YOU REALLY ARE A BUNNY! YOU LOOK SO CUTE WHEN YOU EAT.” “Yes, Y/N, I think we established that.” He said.

• You two became the best of buds.

• His mom LOVES YOU. SHE’S ALWAYS ASKING ABOUT YOU AND GIVING YOU FOOD.

• “Son, give this to Y/N. I’m worried she isn’t eating enough.” “Hey mom, how about me? Y'know, YOUR SON???”

• But your mom loves him too.

• “Aigoo, what a handsome boy Doyoung is! Y/N, you got lucky.” “MOM DHDHDHSHSH.”

• Johnny was right, Doyoung is very emotional.

• Sometimes, you’d sit together and he’d tell you what happened. His head on your shoulder as you played with his hair.

• “This old lady I operated on, her granddaughter came today.” You hum. “She came to tell me that her grandmother passed away.” You breathed in, you could feel the sadness radiating off of him. You felt a tear drop onto your hand. You wiped the tears that stained his cheek.

• “She… she- even after she recovered, she visited me and she would tell me how happy she was. She’d come with homemade rice cakes and she’d always tell me to find a girlfriend.” He chuckled. You continued to stroke his hair, trying to calm him down.

• “Thank you for always listening Y/N.” He sniffled. “Sometimes, I just want someone to listen me. I don’t want advice or help. I just want to let it out.” You smiled at him.

• You’d also go to him when you’re having a rough day. Doyoung would always ask “Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice?” and usually you’d ask for advice.

• Both of you usually seeked out for each other during rough times.

• Usually, Doyoung just wants to be heard.

• As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he did start to have feelings for you.

• Doyoung struggled with his feelings alot but he really couldn’t ignore the ones he had for you.

• He didn’t have to act differently with you. When he went on those dates he felt like he had to act a certain way but with you, he was himself. He also loved how true you were and how you believed that there is no such thing as being greater than others. You also stood up for others.

• On a fine spring day, you were walking around. Looking for Doyoung.

• “Hey, Taeyong have you seen Doyoung?” he thought about it before he let out an ‘Ahhh’.

• “He’s coming back soon, don’t worry. Today is pretty important for him.” He left you.

• You went on with your day, constantly checking for the time.

• Since today was an important day for him, you didn’t want to bother him. So you didn’t call or message him.

• The sky was turning a beautiful orange when you walked into doctors room to take a nap.

• You twisted the doorknob when you saw Doyoung sitting on the bed… in a suit?

• “Oh hey, I was wondering where you went.” You happily said.

• When you got closer only did you realise his bloodshot eyes and his red nose.

• “Doyoung? Is everything okay?” you stood in front of him. He pulled you down and hugged you, both of you now lying down in bed.

• He began to sob and his grip on you tighten. You rubbed circles on his back, letting him cry everything out.

• You both eventually took a nap together.

• When you woke up, you were confused about the tight grip on your waist.

• You turn around to face Doyoung. You pushed some of his hair away from his face.

• “Today… is the anniversary for a patient of mine, Soo Young.”

• Your mind went back to the time Johnny nearly told you before Jaehyun stopped him.

• You listened attentively.

• “Scratch that, she wasn’t just a patient. She was… my first love.”

• “She had a tumour in her brain. I remembered, I stayed with her on some days because she was alone. At first, I saw her as any other patient until…”

• Flashback

• “Hey, hey. It’s just a nightmare, you’re okay.” Doyoung said. Soo Young grabbed his hand. “Please… stay with me.”

• Many weeks pass and the doctors were still monitoring her. Both of them had created a beautiful bond. He’d visit her during his breaks and she’d ask him about his day.

• “Dr Kim, come have some strawberries!” she fed him some and he loved seeing her healthy again. “Soo Young… y'know you’ll be able to leave soon right?” he asked. She excitedly nod. “Yes! Oh, I’m so excited to see my room and my dog again.” She cheered. Her innocence was what captivated Doyoung. He wanted to protect her from the evil of this world.

• “Should I wear a wig or something?” “Why?” “I’m… I’m scared of the girls at my neighbourhood. They used to call me names.” Doyoung quickly stroked her cheek. “You’re so beautiful and kind, those bullies are missing out on an amazing person.” She smiled so wide and gave him a hug.

• “Doctor, can we still see each other even after I leave?” she asked shyly. He held her hand and she looked up at him. “Of course.” She squealed and gave him a hug.

• 6 months later, and they were happy together. Soo Young was still visiting the hospital for her check ups.

• “Doyoung~” “Yes my princess?” he asked, he watched the love of his life happily eat her sandwich.

• “I have to tell you something.” He hummed, waiting for her. “I’m very happy that… I didn’t die because of the tumour.” He was shocked. “Yah! Don’t stay stuff like that.” She giggled.

• “No, no listen to me. I’m happy that I didn’t lose my youth to cancer. I’m happy that I got to be with you. I hope we can be together forever.” She held onto his hand, her big eyes was filled with love.

• “I’m happy too, princess.” She smiled happily. “Well, I have to get back to work. I’ll see you tonight, okay?” he looked at his watch.

• “Oh, okay.” He got up and quickly walked away, worried he’ll be late. He was in the elevator when he heard her call.

• “Doyoung, I love you!” she did a heart above her head. He nodded quickly and the elevator shut.

• He had an amazing mood, he even visited the emergency ward to see Johnny that evening.

• “Ah, what brings you here Dr Kim?” he teasingly asked. “What, I can’t see my best friend?” they both laughed, before Johnny’s phone rang.

• He picked it up and before he knew it, his smile turned into a worried frown.

• “What?” Doyoung raised a brow.

• “It’s another drunk driver.” Johnny’s attention quickly went to the sound of the ambulance siren going off. Doyoung waited for the patient, wondering what happened.

• The ambulance arrived and the stretcher rolled down the hall. Johnny was giving orders.

• “She was hit by a drunk driver. Her name is Park Soo Young. Please call her guardians.” At the sound of this, Doyoung’s head snapped back so fast.

• “Soo… Soo Young?” he ran to the stretcher.

• Blood was covering her entire body. Her body limp and clearly struggling to hold on.

• “She’s lost a lot of blood. We need to hurry.” Johnny said to the residents.

• Doyoung followed them behind, Mark pulled him back.

• “Doyoung, you can’t-” Mark tried to hold him back. “LET ME GO, MARK. PLEASE LET ME GO.” he saw Johnny and the rest trying to bring her back. The defibrillator at work. Increasing as time goes by.

• “SOO YOUNG! SOO YOUNG!” Doyoung was crying her name.

• The sound of a long beep caused his heart to shatter.

• “No… no. She can’t be..”

• “Park Soo Young. Time of death, 9:30 pm.” Johnny sadly took off his mask.

• Doyoung couldn’t comprehend it, the noises around him were blurred and movements were slowed down.

• Before it hit him, his chest was clenching and tears began to fall.

• Johnny had gone out of the room and hugged Doyoung. Doyoung cried, violently shaking.

• “I… I didn’t even say it. I DIDN’T TELL HER I LOVED HER. I… I….” He cried into his best friend’s shoulder.

• Ever since then… Doyoung had felt numb. Like a part of him was missing.

• “That’s what happened.” He told. You didn’t know how to reply.

• “She… she was happy she wasn’t going to die young.” He sniffled.

• You and him stayed in that position until you both decided it was time to get up. You both sat down quietly. “I’m okay now though.” You smiled at him.

• “Doyoung, I don’t know what you’re going through right now but just know, I’ll be here for you. Always.”

• You also had feelings for him but you were scared. Scared of rejection. His squeal when he gets his favourite foods or his little pout when you bother him. The way his laugh warms your heart and how his smile could light up your world.

• “Doyoung, I…” he turned around. “I’m going to go check on Mrs Park.” You quickly got up.

• After the time he told you about Soo Young, you’ve been avoiding him like the plague.

• BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SEE HIM YOU WANT TO CONFESS YOUR LOVE AND YOU AREN’T READY.

• HE’S SUPER SAD AND CONFUSED LIKE WHY IS SHE AVOIDING ME??? Y/N WHY YOU AVOIDING HIM???

• “now is not the time Y/N, just focus on your work and tell Doyoung later.”

• “Tell me what later?” he scared you. You jumped and screamed a little.

• “Uh, nothing.”

• “Well, tell me why you’re avoiding me then?” he booped your nose.

• “Oh… uh… well I just… HNGGGG.” You plop onto the floor and he panicked a little.

• “Uhm, Y/N I love you but can you not sit in the middle of the way?” you look at him with wide eyes.

• “YoU- HSVAHS HOW DID YOU SAY THAT SO EASILY???” he looked at you confused.

• “FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS I’VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY THAT TO YOU BUT I CAN’T.”

• “What word?” “THAT THAT WORD.” “WHAT WORD??” “I LOVE YOU!”

• The entire floor stopped and went quiet. All eyes on you.

• “What?” “I… I love you Kim Doyoung. I know you can never love me like how you loved Soo Young but just know that… you have my heart.”

• You got up to leave and you were walking away, slightly teary eyed.

• “Yah!” he pulled your hand. You turned around so fast and before you knew it, his lips were on yours.

• His soft lips moved against yours as you kissed back. The sound of cheers and clapping around you.

• When he separated from you, he looked at you with a smile.

• “Yes, I couldn’t love you like how I loved Soo Young but I love you too. Alot. Alot more than you think.” You grinned at his cheesy comment and kissed him back.

• “Stop being so cute and kiss me already.” “My pleasure.” He said as he kissed you again, you both smiling into the kiss.

Hello~ did you guys like it? I don’t actually know how the medical world works, I only know the basics. I deeply apologize if there are mistakes. I also apologise if I’ve offended anyone in any way.

Credits to owner of the photo.

#nct fluff #nct blurbs #nct drabbles #nct scenarios #nct soft hours #nct imagines #nct 127 #kim doyoung #doyoung fluff #doyoung boyfriend material #doyoung blurbs #doyoung drabbles #doyoung scenarios #doyoung soft icons #doyoung imagines

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incarnateirony · 5 years

Text

Question for fellow neurodivergents

tw/ mental health, depression, disassociation, random stresses, idk.

tw/ I’m living 24/7 triggered lately and that’s in the post and looking for some temporary work arounds.

To begin: I’m diagnosed ASD, but generally just not... IDK, in the community, largely because my mother refused to believe anything was “wrong” with her child and summarily I was too “high functioning” (yes I know it’s a bad term, that’s the point) to be a problem, then after that life propelled me through a bunch of survivalist trauma But you know, “nothing can be wrong with my kid, she’s too smart, she tested 5th grade level in kindergarten! Collegiate level in everything by THIRD GRADE! hurDUrHeHURRR.” Just shove the kid through speech therapy to get rid of related impediments and it’s fine right?!

Eventually I got into a better situation and self managed efficiently, because Alabama barely has health care much less knowing how to treat a 30-something year old woman falling apart with a rare connective tissue disorder and autism still seen as a conversion-worthy disorder (or you know, my gayness, but hey) -- yet again, now I’m too high functioning haha autism sure whatever everybody’s autistic these days or would you like extreme approaches, these are your choices.

That said, while waiting for my engine to be repaired, I’m trapped in a situation that’s persistently rubbing against my PTSD triggers (from the survivalism period) even if theoretically benign but alternately constantly being talked at, more than to. My options are “old lady constantly talking a cycle about death, pain, hospitals, and more death and pain, even when I’m trying to silently put cereal in my face” or “in laws that mean well but don’t understand I literally can not hold conversations for 2 consecutive hours much less 8 when we escape there and they keep trying to engage me about arbitrary topics and seem disappointed that I’m not engaging.”

And I get it she’s lonely and she hurts and I feel awful but I literally don’t know what to do with an endless battery of negativity. Even trying to reroute her onto something nice like, I dunno, dogs inevitably loops back to death somehow. And for reasons above and below I am not emotionally equipped to deal with a constant negative waterfall running like I put it on ListenOnRepeat. And even if, IF you manage to break the death loop for any period of time there’s general patience levels when she shuffles around her kitchen refusing to sit down and let us get anything while she fusses over her milk going bad for an hour. Or about whatever other little thing. Until she self breaks that loop and goes back to death and pain.

Sometimes it’s “I can’t die until I do my paperwork” that is actually null paperwork her son already handled but she won’t listen and has shuffled the same paperwork for three years. I’m fairly certain this woman talks to Death every night but in her mental scape scoots around in her stroller telling him to hold on while she finishes her paperwork and somehow cons him into standing outside holding wires to put up her hummingbird feeders for the bees in October at midnight until he decides to come back another day before he hears about her milk or oxycodone again. And I know that makes me sound callous but goddamn

I really don’t have anywhere to go and simply be quiet right now. If I hide in the basement with aforementioned old lady she opens the door, risks letting the cats and dogs out, generally inserts herself, bangs things around upstairs and sets off my hyperreactivity, or just outright calls us up to do things for her that she doesn’t actually let us do for her and instead starts talking about pain and death again, generally while overworking me. I’ve repeatedly blown my hip in progressively worsening stages from my connective tissue problems in the two weeks I’ve been here, and get zero empathy despite attempted explanations that I can’t jog up and down steep 1950s stairs for her all day. Hell, I can barely climb them a few times.

Perhaps I should clarify my survivalist life cycle began with my mother taking too much oxy, and then being cut down and she snapped; pain grandmother mcgee refused to enter proper end of life care and has been taking too much oxy, and they’re weaning her down and she’s in the same withdrawls pattern; after that I migrated to an equally bad situation where I got trapped and efforts to escape backfired and turned into quite literal 10 year battlezone of survival that I still have scars and wounds from that will never heal -- how that connects to my current breakdown situation, you can figure out. All that stacked together into one big ball of FUCK YOU defines my base line of 24-7 right now much less all other irritants. Like it stacks both chapters of my life going down an increasingly violent toilet bowl that was outside of my control into one aggressive old woman who temporarily controls my life.

That all said, even when we go to the “safe zone” of the inlaws, by the end of the night I am surrounded by eternal buzzing of conversation and expectations. Even if they aren’t talking to me specifically (after I’ve spent hours desperately trying to stay plugged in) it’s like having a fly bounce off my face repeatedly with the eternal buzzing of conversation I feel the need to try to pay attention to. But with loops of death and pain and my own actual real pain and eternal buzzing, endless buzzing, requirements of conversation, no quiet places, no place to be safe, feeling caged and rubbing related PTSD triggers, I’ve disassociated into some pretty dark mental loops lately.

Like I’m missing the days when I knew an area well enough to find the right park to disappear into the woods of and hide under a bridge there or something and just sit there and disappear for a while. Not that I can really motor around well enough to do that now anyway.

It took me a while to add up WHY this batshit crazy 88 year old woman was doing such a number on me since I’ve literally had my life burn down and people I love die and just packed up and kept soldiering on while barely blinking, but I recently put it together and there’s the big ball of FUUUUUUUUUCK NO WONDER but now that I KNOW it I still can’t figure out how to situationally FIX the other stressers that keep compounding the neverending PTSD+stress loop.

Bonus points just to put icing on the shitcake, I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I converted to vaping, then to low mil vaping. Guess who banned vaping inside? Guess who gets magically spotted any time I step out? Guess who is living in an eternal nic fit on top of this and has regressed a year of quitting to just about eat cigarettes when I get five minutes of peace, and yet despite my best efforts of eating them in desperation, have taken a solid week per pack, because that’s how little time I have to myself, despite outright chain smoking at the inlaws, I’m not even kidding. (Guess who is rebelliously vaping at midnight in said basement since it smells like candy and I know her ass is unconscious and won’t pop open the goddamn door)

“Seek treatment” is sort of pointless where I live, lemme put that out there now, especially since I’m yet again trying to leave the state in a few days.

But does anyone have any particular stim methods or... anti-stim for that matter that can help in this sort of situation to just decompress my eternal overload turning into hardcore shut down? I’m not nonverbal but by about 7-8PM these days I *become* nonverbal. Before I run out of metaphorical spoons in the morning I’m still myself, if with my awkward social function, but by 8PM it’s like someone’s wired my jaw shut or disconnected TalkerBox.Exe or unplugged something because even with all the thoughts in the world, I literally can not will my mouth to move anymore, and that’s... not normal for me. Talking-reserved, sure. Quiet, sure. Mouth welded shut like I’m Neo in the matrix, not so much.

I just need something that can last me through like, 3 days to sort of find my old ways of having quiet places even if I can’t have quiet places. Suggestions?

---

As a bit of a side I wonder if this is also a bit of class upset going on. Said 88 year old woman who is now all but financially broke was the lower-upper class wife of a lobbyist banker that used to work with Jeff Sessions and pretty much got him in office, but Sessions dropped the family like a hot potato when said husband died, so my “fighting for food scraps from the trash, working from 14 to support my disabled mother, cyclically homeless” gay liberal ass is squatting with a bitter former upper class southern lady republican woman turned deadass senile and I C A N T

#neurodivergent #autism #asd

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celestialstress · 5 years

Text

Sorry @cas-is-a-hunter I accidentally deleted the post, thank god for google docs

Well Quindlen, Quinndiana Jones, buddy, chum, pal your literally all my asks almost all the time thank you ily

This is for my and @itzshira‘s superhero au so they did help me tysm bean, bless

20 head cannons per character because all would be to much (200 in all)

And I will only be doing the ships in a separate post because I can

Roman

A tall boi at around 6’1, tallest boi

High school jock? High school theater nerd? Practices fencing in high school? Yes!

Flirty boi, and will look up at you with a wink well kissing your hand

Quality gentleman but will talk about himself a bit to much on the first date

His tongue pokes out slightly well he is working on stories or reading scripts

Plays the guitar

Quick to anger but will feel bad after, potentially spoiling their boyfriend after they fight unless he knows he's right or is still mad

Has a big family and is the oldest sibling, his siblings steal his Disney stuff and a dog named Princess

His eyes are brownish red but look red in curtain lighting

He and Remy have sleepovers where they will go to the mall spend like $200 and come home with a fashion show for the other

Over protective, but not in a bad way, yes yes there is a bad way (checking of texts and stuff that can make the other uncomfortable are the bad way)

Has made a comic but doesn't show anyone because he is scared of their reaction

“this is my lap now I have claimed it as a seat, best throne in the house”

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Dance Dance Revolution, Uno, and Battleship

Tends to look up well thinking, leaning back on his heels as he does

Will overwork himself but not as often due to his beauty sleep schedule

Usually will tease and joke but is good as ‘reading the room’ and will become serious if need be

An overthinking child, but usually only when they are stressed

He will talk out his feelings but will sometimes hide things he thinks he can handle or are insecure about

VERY gushy about any crush he has “you'll see I'm their prince charming” and stuff like that

Virgil

Another tall boi at around 5’10, second tallest boi even if he slouches

His hoodie is oversized and baggy but it looks great

Sleep? No scrolling through tumblr for hours, same amount of nightmares, but those I can scroll past

His dad is bi and he the two live with his step dad and step brother Thomas

Fight or Flight? Leans more towards Fight

Has a little shadow wolf pup named Fang

Just moved here this year

Has quiet anger, going silent with everyone especially the person he is mad at.

When Virgil found out he had a crushed he probably (hopefully lightly) banged his head in a wall then face planted on his bed yelling "Ahhhhh" into it for knows how long

If anyone asked if he had a crush, even if they didn't specify the crush's name, he'd get defensive and refuse. Though you could probably tell he was lying

He is very bad at opening up to others, he does try but it's hard

Bites his fingernails, to be more specific his right thumbs nail

Walks to and from school with Roman, having usually playful arguments on the way

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Fallout 4, Mafia, and Connect Four

Plays the piano and has learned half of his playlist on it as well as meme music

Roman has entered into his house when it was dark forgetting about a sleepover, just to walk in hearing Virgil playing horror music, or megalovania

But he is also teaching Patton how to play piano, they just started though

His playlist is larger than Roman's ego

Has gotten in a debate with Logan about crocs, no one left happy

Yes yes he does have his pet spider we love her, her name is Luna

Logan

Kinda tall boi at around 5’6, one things for sure, his stance is straighter than he is

Nervous glasses and tie adjusting

Used to be homeschooled

Someone please get this boy a more understanding mother, please our boy needs to understand that he isn't a failed and can relax

Gets really confused when it comes to emotions that aren't an everyday occurrence

Will stay up for days on end rewriting his paper, his cat doesn't help

The oldest in the group, and will use that to get the others to listen to him

Has an older brother who moved out right when he was 18, cutting off all communication with the family

Don't lie to him, he can literally read your thoughts

Nearsighted

Was in debate but almost got kicked out for yelling falsehood to much, so he uses the extra time to hang out with friends

He doesn't like to be held, most of the time at least, he does have his moments

When he has a crush he doesn't realise it and will question himself wait why did I share my crofters sandwich with him? Sure he didn't have a lunch but my crofters

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Portal, Solitaire, and Risk

His selfview gets shattered by a douche named Richard (thank you Shira for the fitting name)

His dad works at home and is usually in his office

Well if one thing is for sure, Logan doesn't handle being upset very well, just don't get them silently mad

He has a hard time passing at classes and when he finally did traded it out for college courses

The smart boi will strategies things, but if one thing goes wrong he will have a very hard time functioning

Rarely flirts but can't take a flirt at all, unless they are mad then don't try but Logan.exe crashing is easy when he is relaxing

Patton

Smolest boi at around 5'1, he loves his height because he loves the tall slouched hugs of his friends.

Commonly wears oversized sweaters and shorts rather than a cardigan and sweater tied around his shoulders

This child is great at sewing, and made the other beans costumes using Roman and Remy's designs

Parents are usually on business trips and rarely home

Also still believes in Santa because “how would gifts get here if my parents aren't here for Christmas” thank you Roman

Has a pet hamster named Mr. Squeakers the first name is Sammy

Patton is more supportive than protective, though when he feels he needs to will block an attack or stand in the middle of a fight (which is more often than not)

He likes to be picked up, and really doesn't care by who most times

Probably has glitter or marker somewhere on him at all times

Farsighted

A cuddler, especially when he is tired, he will cuddle up to one of his friends or a doll and fall asleep

He can bake but not cook, don't let him cook

His hair is a curly mess no matter how much he brushes it

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Animal Crossing, Go Fish, and Candy Land

He does have his cat hoodie but he usually wears it one or two days a week and as pajamas until he can or remembers to get it washed for school again

He was in gymnastics and is a very flexible child

Him and Roman were childhood friends

Will play connect the dots with the freckles on his arm when he's bored

Spends most of his day out of the house doing nothing in particular

When he realizes he has a crush is usually quickly after he gets one and his face goes pure red but he's happy about it

Deceit

Kinda tall boi at around 5'8

A very sarcastic child, usually when he is lying

This bean has vitiligo and it is mostly where his scales would be

Heterochromia as well, one green and one brown eye

Will confusedly shake gifts before opening them if he randomly received them

Has played a game of patty cake in a closet, probably the strangest experience he's had but he enjoyed it

Uses his magic to cheat on tests

Will poke out his tongue when annoyed

Upset Dee is not a Dee you want to deal with they can be very hostile unless they like you

Wears at least two bracelets everyday

An ace boi who we love

He loves his hat, his hat was a gift from his parents and he rarely takes it off

Literally changed some of his wardrobe to match said hat

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Skyrim, Town Of Salem, Jenga

First to learn to drive

He plays the flute, and loves to play simple yet pretty melodies on it

He doesn't like parties but he won't say no if invited, though he usually stays near his friend or where there is the least amount of people

Will sometimes steal something small at parties

He has a pet garden snake named Luka, Luka is a good danger noodle who likes to chill in pockets

Usually wears colored contacts to school to hide his different eye colors

Emilie

Second shortest boi at around 5’3, and he hates his height wanting to be taller

Talking to himself during movies and shows? Yes

A nervous flirter most times but we stan

A lot stronger then he looks, and his sweaters don't help lol

He has a defensive anger and will argue easier when mad, or give them questions to make them shut up so he can leave

Will hide out by himself when mad or nervous as well

An easily jealous bean but we still love him

He loves to cook and is a good cook

Has more sweaters then I have friends

Just barely bad enough nearsightedness to make it so he needs glasses

He used to have fake glasses though now he hates his real ones

Plays the violin and learned the Steven Universe songs

Is a lucky bean, gets a TV in his room

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Kingdom Of Hearts, Exploding Kittens, and Mancala

Holding hands and hugs are a given

Has little action figures and dolls around his room

Bold of you to assume he doesn't have way to many onesies for one person

Shops at hot topic for the fandom merch, but brings Remy because they enjoy everything there

Has a few posters scattered around his room but they are the cloth ones

He is very quick to self blame for instances and think “maybe if I did this-”

Remy

A medium height child at around 5'5, wears five inch heels to add on

Wears crop tops most often but idk where I got that idea from

Doesn't sleep and binge watches cartoons a lot

Addicted to coffee, and will shake without it after a while

Has and will just insult someone who is throwing punches at them and insult said person rather than actually fight in some cases

Their hair is a mess most of the time due to sleeping in and not having time to fix it

They live with their dad, their mom walked out on the family when they were five

They have Aniridia, and are almost always seen wearing sunglasses and watching shows for long periods of time can and is difficult

Has a very hard time opening up about anything, it takes a lot of trust

I guess you could say they've experienced a lot because I don't want to get into it but some of it involves alcohol and parties

Has played seven minutes in heaven once and they ended up literally playing patty cake in the closet because making out wasn't specified

Bold of you to assume they don't have a Scottish Fold, and bold of you to assume her name isn't Belle

Secretly watched all of SU and Adventure Time

Favorite video game, card game, and board game? Mario Kart, Cards Against Humanity, and Blokus

Their eyes have a gold ring around where the pupils should be when they use their magic canceling ability

Will either sleep for a whole day or not sleep for weeks

Has two leather jackets but most commonly wears their more warm out one rather than the newer one

Is the kid who pulled the fire alarm in elementary school

They are really good at rollerblading/ice skating

They ran out of coffee once after almost a week of no sleep and just shut down completely in class

Remilie

They will carry each other, even if Remy is taller, Picani is stronger and Remy is lighter than they seem.

Cuddles on the couch watching SU after making or buying brownies, depends on how lazy they are that day

Remy doesn’t know weather to be amused or annoyed with how people get so confused on the relationship

If they were to propose they would both have a ring ready on the date but Emilie would manage to get it out first, and Remy would just sit there in a excited shock as they pull out the ring they were gonna use

Sharing clothes is common between the two, even if their styles are completely different

The first time Remy took off their heels next to Picani he made a short joke, even if he’s shorter

Emilie will sometimes gain the confidence to flirt without being embarrassed which causes Remy to be even more flushed (less aww but more holy crap)

Remy rarely swears in front of Picani, it just doesn’t feel right to them

Picani keeps their house lights dim when ever Remy comes over so they can keep their sunglasses off

“Remy..? What are you doing..?” “mixing five hour energy, redbull and coffee” concerned Picani noises

Remy will sometimes bring their cat to Picani’s house without telling him beforehand, just because “I didn’t want Belle to be home alone”

Picani got rid of his coffee maker to try to help Remy stop drinking coffee

Remy still manages to somehow get coffee without leaving his house

Picani and Remy make small deals to slowly help the other with their insecurities “I’ll let you borrow my jacket if you can at least try to complement yourself more”

They really don’t fight until one can’t bottle it up anymore and the other impulsively responds

Remy jumping towards Picani not realising he had a drink and him dropping his tea just to catch them

Picani does need some help reaching the higher shelves where Remy will just climb onto the counter

Picani doesn’t want to push Remy to talk and Remy rarely wants to say what’s wrong or something that has happened

Picani is usually the first to initiate a hug, where Remy is usually the first to hold his hand

The insecurities of one is ome of the things that the other loves most about them (Remy’s pure black eyes and Emilie’s talking to themself during movies)

Logince

Forehead touching, and a soft kisses? Yss

One of them will usually give the other random facts of the day

“a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet-” “the rose was the theater next to the Shakespearean theater and it had a sewage problem causing it to stink that was made to mock it” “Logan why-?”

Star gazing on cool summer nights with a warm blanket in a hammock

Roman is really bad with roller coaster drops and will cling onto Logan

Roman is the type of boyfriend who will steal the fries from your plate

Logan enjoys Roman’s random bursts of inspiration where he will excitedly talk about ideas for an hour

Taking dance lessons together

Neither of them will let the other touch their hair unless they are tired enough

Small play tickle fights were Roman will sometimes purposely let Logan win

Roman does try to carry Logan it usually doesn’t end in his favor

The two do tend to fight, as all relationships do, but afterwards they will silently talk it out on the couch until they feel better or at least understand it better

Game nights on fridays

They both refuse to give up on a game of monopoly that has taken them two years so far

Roman will never admit it but he will play D&D with Logan

Watching Doctor who on the couch cuddling with a bowl of popcorn in between them? Definitely

Roman was the first person to see Logan cry, and Logan would be one of the first people who get Roman to talk about his insecurities

Roman is a flirty boi Logan.exe crashing is common (idk why I phrased it like this)

Debates on who's magic is stronger, it ends in more of a tie because neither of them will choose themself

Gentally cuffing the other ones face when they are upset so they would look at them? Yep

Moxiety

Virgil gives Patton piggy back rides

Patton tries to give Virgil piggy back rides but it doesn't work out to well

They have a movie night once a week, one gets to choose the movie every other week

Patton gives Virgil a lot of gifts but will feel bad at times when Virgil gives him gifts because “I have nothing to give you in return”

They will doodle on each other, sometimes just sit there for hours silently drawing on one another

Virgil will sometimes bake with Patton, learning a few cookie recipes from doing so

“okay I'm not letting you cook you usually end up burning yourself, I got this”

Playing with eachothers hair, messing it up and sometimes fixing it

Dancing with each other in the living room when no one else is there

The best hang out moments is when it's raining and they are sitting inside with hot chocolate

Virgil is more protective over Patton, because he knows Patton isn't one to fight people

Patton will sometimes put hair clips in Virgil's hair so he can see both of Virgil's eyes

Hugs are very common unless Virgil states he isn't in the mood to have a hug

Patton found out Virgil was being bullied and refused to leave his side at school even if it means being a bit late to class

“I won't leave your side not tell you won't get hurt and until you love yourself, even then I'm here to stay”

Neither of them really flirt but they do make crappy puns to see the other laugh

Patton borrows Virgil's hoodies and has a few overly sized hoodies in case Virgil wants to borrow them

Patton's ability let's him know when Virgil is upset so he will help Virgil as much as he can to feel better

Virgil took them to an amusement park on their six month anniversary

At the mall Patton would be shamefully holding Virgil's hand, and vice versa. They go to stores that they've been wanting to go to. It's not much shame it's just the world is still not as accepting as they could be of lgbtq+

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hellholland · 6 years

Text

Drunk Me is Stupid Me || Sebastian Stan x Reader

Hope you enjoy this shit! It took me a long time to write it. I’m not fully back on Tumblr and honestly idk when I will be, but in the meantime I’m trying to write for you guys. I’m currently working on part two of remember the pattern and a peter parker request that is insanely overdue. I hope this satisfies you even though it’s not Tom. xx -Ciel

[IMPORTANT: I’ve altered Sebastian’s age to about 26 for the sake of their friendship timeline and me being shit at math, but it’s still essentially 2018 so that’s a little reference thing]

Knowing he could see your every move just made you shaky. Sebastian’s eyes followed you steadily, the one drink he had only knocking his perception skills slightly. At parties like this, he was usually watching out for you, as he had for years, but tonight was a different stare. It sent nervous shocks through your body. You were dancing, laughing, smiling, but your eyes betrayed your external feelings. Only you remembered your entire exchange from the previous night, which led to uncomfortable silence between you two since then. He didn’t know why you weren’t talking to him.

For him, some words could ruin a relationship. In the near seven years of friendship you had, you’d only ever heard him say those make-or-break words to his mother, and in Romanian.

“Te iubesc.”

The day you asked him what it meant three years ago, he only replied “something special.” After sitting in on a few more phone calls with his mom and a Google translate search later, you figured out what it meant and why he refused to say it to anyone but his mother. I love you.

“Anyone you meet, you could lose them at any given moment. I know it sounds selfish, but I guess I’m scared to admit to such a powerful statement. There’s some people you’re kind of stuck with, like family, but you never know how long friends and lovers will stick around. You might think you know that person like the back of your hand, but humans are spontaneous. They say and do stupid things. I’m scared of giving up the control that comes with that sentence. If I keep the use of it limited then I don’t have to worry about giving a piece of me to someone who doesn’t reciprocate feelings...or someone who’s just temporary.” Sebastian rambled, kicking at pebble by his foot, the other foot bouncing up and down as he spoke. “I’ve lost people I said that to. Loving people, or at least admitting out loud it makes it real. It hurts.”

“I think you have to lose some of yourself to feel. There has to be a negative and you’ll have to give up things you don’t want to. I guess you have to go through a lot of bullshit to learn and find someone who won’t leave you. That might just be my opinion, though.” You replied quietly, your heart almost dropping after processing everything he said. Someone fucked him over.

You’d known him for maybe twelve years, best friends in high school, drifting apart after senior year. When you both ended up in L.A you reconnected for a bit, but about a year after he began dating his ex, he hardly talked to you. You’d recognized why and to an extent you understood why he stopped, but it still hurt you. They dated for nearly four years till she broke it off.

That was two years ago. He never talked about her, or rather refused to when you asked. You wanted to tell him how you felt, but you knew you’d lose him. You didn’t want to ruin anything you had. He was your world and your one best friend. Why lose that because of a damn crush? Was he still in love with his ex? Would he actually feel the same?

“You look tired,” someone said in your ear, trying to get your attention over the music. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just got distracted. I’m fine, it might just be the drinks.” You turned, dragging yourself out of your mind to identify the voice. “Hi, Chris.” You smiled at him half-heartedly and gave him a hug.

“You’ve only had sparkling grape juice, (Y/N). You sure about that?” His hand rested protectively on your back, his head hanging close to yours so you could hear over the blaring noise. “I feel like you’re having other issues.”

Evans was concerned, he was uncharactiscally good at reading people. He was the peacemaker out out the Marvel friends and probably cared a little too much about how everyone was getting along. You guess this is an important problem to an extent.

Blackout drunk Sebastian confessing his undying love for you about eight hours after you got cheated on was a bit of a big deal. While three or four years ago you were completely sure of how you felt about him, there was the paralyzing fear that came with your jeapordizing your relationship. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. There was something about loving someone that wasn’t available that was painful, but addicting. As long as one of you was off-limits, there was absolutely no risk of fucking everything up. He was safe. You were safe.

“Yep.” God, you hated confessing your problems. You bit your lip, looking up at him. His eyes were focused on you, eyebrows pulled together. “I did a lot of stupid stuff. I felt stupid stuff. Now I don’t know what to do, or how to feel, how to function. You know?”

He took a deep breath, pondering over his words carefully before replying. “Is it Seb?”

Someone saying his name, his nickname especially, out-loud made you wince. Just because you didn’t want to hurt him didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. When Chris saw how you froze when he asked, he already knew.

“Damn. I can guess a little bit of what happened but I’m just gonna leave you with this because I know I can’t get involved at this point. He’s over her, your boyfriend was a douchebag and doesn’t deserve you or your mourning, and this has been going on for what, seven years? Just...talk. I don’t know. Yell or something. Even if it doesn’t fix things, you need to be open. Have discussion on the table, okay?”

“We were kids- I, I don’t know if it’s real? What if this is just gonna fuck everything up? I genuinely don’t know how it’d work? What if I’m still in love with Brendon? Or I’m not over him at least? I’m-”

“For the sake of everyone else, please try?” He looked at you expectantly, moving away slowly, taking your drink with his so you couldn’t hide behind it. “Take it slow.”

“I-I don’t know.” But he’d already walked away.

You stepped back, finding support against a wall, trying to think. You wanted him so bad, but you were only fearful. If you lost him, you weren’t sure you if you could recover. Brendon was a one-year denial relationship that obviously fell through, and somehow you managed to reject the trauma. Nothing was setting in yet, your brain was just a whir of panic and confusion.

Members of the MCU cast littered the room, talking and laughing, the other half of party-goers being staff and plus-ones. The enviroment was perfect, something you usually enjoyed, but with everything going on it only suffocated thoughts you were trying to sort through.

Sebastian was talking to three girls you didn’t recognize, smiling and scratching the back of his neck, his gaze flicking between his feet and them. Flirting.

Jesus Christ.

You spun away quickly and walked out of the party, bolting for stairs you only hoped would go to the roof. Just far enough till you could only hear muffled basslines, no voices or anything.

He kept looking for you, stealing quick glances, but you weren’t there anymore.

One steel door was positioned at the top of the staircase, hinting at a nice view of L.A and air that wasn’t tinged with alcohol. The clink of the metal door handle snapped you into reality as you stumbled forward, taking in everything around you. You swung your feet over the ledge, perched on the edge. There was a branch of the building only eight feet down, promising safety if you managed to fall.

He doesn’t remember anything he’s said to me, and he doesn’t know why I’m upset. I’m leaving him in the dark.

But I’m also in the dark. Everything came out of nowhere. Maybe it was because I was sobbing into his chest with a half-empty plastic Ikea cup of wine that spurred him to attempt to comfort me with his own confession?

I was a kid when I loved him, do I still? Is this dumb? I don’t know how to figure out my brain. I don’t know if any of this is reasonable. Am I the one messing this up or is it him? What if this is all a big mistake and I’m not gonna love him like that in a month? I was a little excited, but at the same time really terrified-

Fuckin’ incoherent.

You stood up, shaking as you paced the cement. Rapid ideas passed through your brain, only perpetuating severe stress. None of it made sense. What is even it? What the hell is going on? Fresh air wasn’t working.

“Goddamnit!” You shouted at the sky, arms thrown up in defeat. “Can someone just figure this out for me?”

“Figure out what?” A raspy, familiar voice asked.

You froze.

“(Y/N)?”

You didn’t want to turn around. You didn’t know what you’d do. Or what he’d do. Am I unecessarily complicating this? How convenient of Sebastian to show up now, it’s like a movie or some shit-

His footsteps grew louder till they stopped next to you, and you kept your eyes shut tight. He sighed. “Please talk to me?” You could see him, messy dark hair, blue eyes and all, staring at the city lights and wondering how he messed up. What he did to make you mad. “I can’t lose you, too.”

Completely against your mind’s will, you scoffed. His eyebrows tightened, the left one slightly crooked up. Even though you still refused to look at him, you could tell exactly what he was doing. If you made eye-contact or anything, it’d make it real.

“Really?” He seemed to be taken aback based on the tone in his voice.

“How do you not remember? How do you-” You whirled around, a shocking anger bubbling in your chest. “You’re not gonna lose me, I don’t know - we might wreck everything we have as best friends but, God, I’m just kind of freaking out because I literally can’t process anything that’s happened in the past four days-”

“Hold on.” he was just as shocked as you but gripped your upper arms to try and steady you. “What do I not remember? Why would we wreck eve-” His eyes widened after a moment of silence before he dropped his hands from you and pressed them to his face. Realization settling in quickly. “Oh, fuck me.”

“I thought I was hallucinating or something, it’s only a little scary right? Nope! I kind of wanna cry and scream and hit someone right now but it’s fine, cause’ my brain is a fucking nightmare!” Your breathing was still erratic like the past twenty minutes, and nothing was changing.

“Are you drunk?” He inquired, hands sliding off his face, his eyes glossy.

“No but I think I’m having a panic attack, it’s all good--I’m just gonna sit down real quick.” You plopped down, not caring whether or not your dress got ripped or dirty. You kind of just wanted to sleep. You felt like you were just trapped inside your skin, unable to control anything or even your own legs.

“Okay, hey, hey (Y/N), you and me both, right? It’s gonna be fine.” He crouched down by you, hesitant to get too close. If it was any other situation, any other panic-attack of yours he might’ve even picked you up, but now he knew that you knew...

“I just don’t know why I can’t think. I could be happy and smart, but I’m not. Maybe I have a weird complex for all of this? Confused-complex?” You started laughing at yourself and your nonsensical rants. Sebastian didn’t.

He just sat with you, staring at you in concern. It was a slightly stressed stare, too. You couldn’t handle it, so you just shut your eyes again and leaned back, trying to steady your breathing. You tried and tried, so badly wanting to only see the backs of your eyelids. No other distractions. “Can I-” he reached out to you, his hands lightly grazing your back. Your muscles tensed and the hairs on the back of your neck stood up.

When you stayed frozen he just wrapped you in a sort-of bear hug, pulling you onto his lap. “This doesn’t mean anything if you don’t want it to, I’m-I’m just worried about you.” He mumbled into your hair, where his chin and lips nearly pressed down and stayed there, but he pulled away.

“Au revoir, don’t be stupid,” Seb said, pressing a chaste kiss to the very top of your head. You laughed in response and didn’t whisper a word to try and keep your feelings contained.

This was a pre-date ritual; Sebastian’s blessing could only mean good luck. Anytime you did something big like this he’d end up hanging out at your apartment, waiting there for when you got back to hear every detail about how awful your date was-or nice, and on occasion he’d have to leave before you got back for ‘reasons.’

Every single one of those dates was just a cover-up and distraction. You’d completely convinced yourself you weren’t in love with your best friend anymore, but somewhere in the back of your mind, just a faint idea lingered. What if?

“I’m sorry,” you began, interrupting the silence that had grown between you two. “For all of this. For me. For making a big deal out of this and not talking about it like any other person would do.”

“Don’t be, I’m used to ‘you’,” he said, exhaling sharply as if he wanted to laugh but his heart wasn’t in it. “If it helps, I’m scared too.”

“Yeah?”

“Drunk me is really stupid.”

You paused before responding. “Drunk you is just honest. Honest with yourself and everyone else. Remember when you got drunk at Chris Hemsworth’s baby shower and cried because ‘babies are really cool and Chris is good at making them’?” You started giggling at the memory, earning your friend’s laughter too.

After a long breath he continued his thought. “I just feel like I fucked us up and lost you or something because you clearly don’t feel the same way, and-and this is all exactly what I was terrified of, I’m kinda out of my mind at this point-”

“Who said that?” You cut him off, your voice dropping to a whisper.

“Said what?”

“That I didn’t feel the same way...about you?”

At this he gently pulled you off his lap, but had you slightly turned so you’d be forced to look at him. “You’re serious? You’re not fucking with me?”

You shook your head ‘no’.

His hands went to his face again, and he tugged at his skin in excitement. The man rocked back onto his tailbone then to a standing position where he broke out into a smile. “Oh thank God,” and in his moment of pure relief, you could only awe at his features, his toothy grin, crinkled eyes and 5 o’clock shadow. “Holy shit...wait but then--why Brendon?” The actor sat down again quickly, eager to talk.

“Cause’ I was trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong and I wasn’t in love with you, because as long as one of us was not available I didn’t have the opprutunity to mess our friendship up I guess? That’s kind of my thing that’s stopping me. Being scared of losing you.”

“Why would you lose me?”

“Romantic relationships are unpredictable. I can’t flush the twelve years of my life with you down the drain if something were to happen, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt you.” You took a deep breath, your throat beginning to hurt with everything you were admitting. “An old friend once poured his heart out to me years ago. He said ‘I’ve lost people I said ‘I love you’ to. Loving people, or at least admitting out loud it makes it real. It hurts.’”

Sebastian’s face fell when he recognized his own words; a subject he’d mulled over hundreds of times. “I have a friend who said something like that, and you know what that friend’s friend said to him?” You smiled slightly at the response. “‘I think you have to lose some of yourself to feel. There has to be a negative and you’ll have to give up things you don’t want to. You have to go through a lot of bullshit to learn and find someone who won’t leave you.’”

“I can’t give you up Seb, I dont want you to be a messy breakup or the “bullshit”, I can’t lose you, I-”

“Then don’t let me be that okay? Maybe Brendon’s the negative, he’s the bullshit, what he did to you causes you to lose some of yourself, and-and now you can feel. Now you can figure it out.”

Your eyes were swelled up, a few tears trickling down your cheeks. He was desperate, trying to get of his words through to you, wanting any of them to work or be comforting.

“What if I’m the someone who won’t leave you, (Y/N)?” His voice was gentle now, pleading and tugging at your heart strings. He was sitting with his legs crossed over one another, and your legs were folded underneath you, your knees basically in his lap.

He gripped your hands, pulling them to his chest. Butterflies woke up in the pit of your stomach and your heart picked up. You looked up at him, finding his striking blue eyes in the dark immediately. They were scanning your face, then locked with yours. “One chance. That’s all we need. I’m just as scared as you are, but we can make it work. If I’m being honest I’ve waited nine years for this, even when I didn’t know it.” one of his hands still held yours, but the other hand cupped your face, his thumb resting nearby your lips.

He looked beautiful. His cheekbones almost seemed to shimmer in the moonlight, and his mouth was pursed, still intent on watching you. The noise of the streets was only background noise in your ears, as you could only focus on his eyes. You felt like you were falling, or cliff-diving into them. Eyes you’d known for so long, but now it seemed like you could explore them even deeper.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered, teetering forward. You mirrored his movement, only slightly unsure of your actions.

God, he’s captivating.

You moved further, hands sliding to the back of his neck. His breath fanned your cheeks as you cocked your head to the side, trying to take everything in. His nose bumped yours till finally, his lips softly landed on yours.

It felt like an explosion in your chest, energy pounding through your body. His free arm wrapped around your back, willing you to press closer regardless of how you were seated. You wanted all of him, to be even closer. You ran your fingers through his hair, something you hadn’t done in since he’d fallen asleep in your lap after his breakup. That time it was in comfort, and now it was purely because you just could.

Together you moved in unison and synced movements till you felt him smile again, letting out a breathy laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Your lips curved upward when you heard him.

“Nothing’s funny.” He looked down, almost embarrassed.

“Then what is it?” Your fingers wandered up and down, linking together behind his neck.

“I’m kissing the fucking (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N),” he announced, radiating happiness. “And she said she loved me. Kind of indirectly.” He shifted forward so you rolled onto your back, him ending up on his hands and knees above you, kissing every part of your face he could, sending you in a fit of laughter.

“You’re gonna ruin your tux Sebastian,” you protested, shrinking up at his tickling touches. “That’s expensive.”

“I don’t care, but you might ruin your dress, so,” he leaned back, pulling you up by your hands, still glowing. “Should we-uh, head back downstairs?”

“I don’t really want to,” you said as he stepped towards you, wrapping one arm around your back, the other resting on the side of your neck. “But we should.”

“Five more minutes then?” The man suggested. “I forgot to tell you that you look really pretty, mostly because you weren’t talking to me but yeah, you do-”

“I’m gonna pretend that I wasn’t a bitch for a minute and that that didn’t happen, so, thank you.” You raised your feet a bit, leaning in to kiss him again eagerly. Your excitement only deepened, his arms tightening around you. He moved lower, pressing fleeting kisses to your jaw and neck, nipping slightly one or twice. By instinct, you tugged at his hair. “Sebastian…” you moaned quietly, eyes widening when you realized what you did.

He looked up quickly, surprised at first, then his shock quickly turned into a devilish smirk. “Well (Y/N), if you keep doing that I don’t know if I can do just five minutes, let alone go back to the party.”

“Then don’t.”

“I love that idea.”

“I love you.”

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anyu-blue · 6 years

Text

personal

Mobile keep scrolling

Great. I can't sleep. I was all comfortable and ready to pass out and then my thoughts turned towards the nightmare I had yesterday.

Grrr I'm so MAD. I dreamed about my mother and our move and my sister(s) and family... There was randomly a carwash involved, but mostly our old place with an Alice in wonderland/Willy Wonka twist... just Uck all around.

There were so many duplicates of my blanket (with different colors and sizes and patterns) that it seemed null and void... I couldn't pack all of them.. I wanted just the original, just mine, but with time constraints and stress I couldn't remember and ended up shoving too many of the damned things into the limited space.. plus too much crap I didn't want or need.. just wanted to be rid of it all but I couldn't risk going without insurance or comfort.. I'd either go mad or be in danger... And it was frustrating. I had to pack it all myself too or lose.

My mother was there... My sister ended up trapped by her in glass tubing wrapped around her like rope and it was just bad. If it broke wrong it would shatter altogether and hurt my sister... Shatter incorrectly in a different direction and we would all be hurt.. and I was so mad. It was supposed to 'protect' her my mom claimed... But it was so stupid. My sister was scared and crying. Didn't care if we hurt her, but was so worried we'd get hurt and it was so wrong because she didn't care about herself... Uuurgh.

All kinda true here.. metaphorically.

And it's got me thinking... My mom is the annoyingly self destructive type... ESPECIALLY if someone isn't there to frigging BABYSIT her. She'll drink or smoke herself silly. She'll starve herself and work herself to the bone and SOMEHOW manage to be unproductive while doing so. Basically it won't make a single God damn difference. She'll still be broke and poor and miserable.. plus you know.. literally dying the whole time.

And I'm just so IRRITATED Because it is NOT my responsibility to stop her or babysit or take care of her.... But I can't just SIT here all cushy and comfortable while she kills herself.. believing she's all heroic and 'deserving' and better for it... Cuz she's N O T.

God.. that woman needs so much gd help yet is the ungodly-est mother fucking stubborn ass goat of all time. *Muffled scream*

I want to shake her so bad. Right down to her very core ... So bad I knock THAT sort of stupid RIGHT OUT OF HER. To where if she EVER even THINKS of doing something like that EVER AGAIN she whips right back around and walks out that metaphorical door, slamming it shut behind her.

...

Everyone who's seen her lately had done me the 'kindness' of telling me she looks like a fucking crack addict. Like she's going to snap in half at any gd moment. I had reports previously (from her) of her working 4 different jobs and not caring of the toll and bullshit it caused... Yet HOW. How in God's or any dieity's good flipping name does she owe people collectively over $800 dollars????? Not including the $3000 she's trying to pin on me (the loan she swore and swore was fine/paid for time and time again and that is, guess what? Not in my name at ALL. I'm NOT paying that shit!!).

I. Don't. Get. It.

Yeah, sure, I KNOW she's not been working for the past month because of 'needing to be there' for her bf's son. He's away on a job after hernia surgery.. but seriously... Him doing stuff like that should mean that HIS bills are taken care of.. and she literally lives under his roof soooo... Not like she should be wanting for food... I KNOW she's not wanting for her two major addictions- cigarettes and mtn dew. Saw her smoking away and drinking the stuff as I hauled shit out of our old place...

So why TF would she be in such disgusting (sorry I'm angry and by the descriptions, it's really not pretty) shape?

Even before I dropped the damned bombshell of the move... What is she DOING to herself? And bloody W H Y?

....

Idk what to do.. god I hate her and her damned guts.. but DAMN IT I WILL NOT BE BLAMED FOR HER SHITTY CHOICES. URGH.. yet it feels like we're there in a way.. that if I or SOMEBODY doesn't step tf up.. she's gonna finally succeed in becoming her damn martyr...

Maybe this is how people like her get ya...

You know it's not your fault. You KNOW their choices are their own... But they play that damned fiddle... They sing a song of woe and sorrow so gd deep you somehow actually become the bad guy... Doesn't matter the damned evidence. Doesn't matter how you stand up and shout 'NO'.. if you don't DO something.. it's on you.

...

You know what she did the last time I saw her? You know what she did right in front of me? She threw out her back... I was right there. I told her to ask for help for ANYTHING. I had a 'big strong guy' with me RIGHT THERE too- MORE than willing to help out. And she REFUSED. Refused to ask for help.. and moved the wrong gd thing by herself.. and injured herself so fucking BAD she could hardly stand or breathe... Yet then when I was right there ACTUALLY helping her with something AFTER this, she INSISTED on lifting a 20 gallon fishtank with enough water still in it I could barely lift it.. while bent over. What the actual... *Ahem*

...

I've done this to people. I've played that fiddle.. hurt myself and told them it was their fault. Starved and worked yet bore no fruit.

I've been abusive. I've been this creature.. I am so ashamed, but I will never, EVER do it intentionally again. I will never forget what I've done.. how many people I hurt doing it. It will never go away.. and I don't expect forgiveness.. yet have been lucky enough to receive it from so many. There are still more I wish to apologise to and may never get the chance.... Whether they would forgive me or not.. I still wish I could.

.. I know now where I learned it... Why it was all I knew for a time.. But I know not just how to deal with it in another person. When it's all this person ever knew...

I hate her. I hate her so much.. and yet I pity her.

#personal #random #ignore me #life in general #negative #language #oh boy..#i just want to sleep #i want to be done with all this bs #i want to run away and forget about her and all this nasty stuff #peace... i just want peace... something so deep and to my very core #nothing could ever shake it out #i think talking about my life in counseling Monday has opened #some floodgates here... who am i? what am I?#can i be something and who i want to be?#can i leave this all behind?#can i weather any storm and still be at peace with all of it?#i want to.. i want to so badly. to just be at ease with life and love...#to actually leave it all behind and not be haunted or overshadowed #i dont want to start over.. because i love me. I've learned to and i do #but i want to have the best life for myself.. free of these very real nightmares #I'm making progress... slow but steady.. and im going to be okay #it just makes me sad and a whole lot of other things rn that my mother #seemingly never will at this rate #i can tell her i care... i have. but it doesnt mean to her what matters to me #and thats not something i can force..#family issues #trigger warning #tw: abuse #tw: language

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captainvictoryboat · 7 years

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Behind The Scenes 3 (21/21)

Author’s note: I just had to post this already. I am getting so much anxiety over this. I really want to know what you all think. Honestly, any feedback or reaction i get helps me filter my plans for bts 4 and talking to you all ready gets my mind flowing. I am really going to need some feedback because idk. Shit goes down. Sorry for any errors.

Genre: angsty/ fluff?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Jungkook) [HONESTLY I AM ALLOWED TO USE FLUFF ANYMORE WHEN TALKING ABOUT JUNGKOOKG?!?!?!?!?!?!]

Word Count: 4466

City: Seoul 2nd concert

Summary: Honesty, some shit goes down. that is the only way i can summarize this.

WARNINGS: a bit of physical abuse, kinda graphic descriptions of torture, murder

Other parts: HERE

This is my GIF. I made it based off of this scenario series.

You were woken up in a rather aggressive fashion. With a kick to the ribs you knew exactly who woke you up. You looked up at Rap monster who was staring down at you. “Make breakfast” he ordered.

With you left arm gripping your soon to be bruised ribs, you used your other arm to get yourself off the floor and shuffled to the kitchen. Like before the tour, you began preparing the ingredients as Rap monster’s eyes followed your every move.

You didn’t turn away from the food as you heard one of the bedroom doors open followed by the sound of someone dragging their feet. The steps got closer until you felt a presence behind you, his body gently coming up against yours. A hand reached past you and grabbed the coffee grounds off the shelf above you. “Morning.” A groggy voice whispered as quietly as possible and instantly you hated yourself

“It looks like someone doesn’t know the concept of personal space.” Rap monster said casually.

As he got a pot of coffee set up, Suga said. “Yeah and it looks like someone still doesn’t know the concept of minding their own fucking business!” He grumbled harshly as his eyes glided over to Rap monster.

To your surprise, Rap monster stayed calm. You couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not. “What are you doing up this early?” Rap monster asked.

Suga leaned back on the counter, still close to you. “Going to the studio.” Still there was a hint of attitude in his voice.

“Are you really?” Rap monster mumbled. “…How are things coming along?”

“Things are coming along and that’s what matters!” Suga spat

Rap monster’s face remained expressionless. “Better be done on time, we got the choreo to work on.”

“If you stop stressing me over it then maybe I will finish sooner!” Suga raised his voice some more.

“Yoongi stop!” you tried to whisper.

Suddenly Rap monster slammed his phone on the table. “You better watch the fucking mouth of yours or else!”

“What we talkin’ about?” Jungkook’s muffled voice asked.

You all turned to the hall to see Jungkook with his signature bedhead look and his mouth foaming over with toothpaste as he brushed his teeth.

“Nothing.” Suga griped, he was already annoyed by the maknae’s presence.

Jungkook hobbled around the kitchen until he reached the sink and spit out the tooth paste that collected in his mouth.

“Jungkook are you serious?!?” you scowled over the fact that he almost spat on the food that you were rinsing in the sink.

“What?!? A sink is a sink! It’s not like I got it on the food.” he reasoned.

Suga poured coffee into his mug. “Dude! You have a fucking bathroom in your fucking room! What are you even fucking doing here?!?”

“What does it look like?!? I’m brushing my teeth! You stupid di-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Rap monster shouted. “Jungkook go to your fucking bathroom, Y/n that ass of yours better have my food done in the next ten minutes and Yoongi, plain shut the fuck up!”

Jungkook rolled his eyes and went back to his room while Suga took a sip of his coffee.

Thankfully, everyone else woke up and gathered themselves into the kitchen without any other confrontations. After everyone had breakfast, you did your duty of gathering the plates and that was when Rap monster spoke up again. “Ok guys, for today, we all have to be ready to go at 5… Y/n!”

In a panic, you quickly tossed the plates onto the counter. “Y-yes?”

“You are coming along tonight. Wear something nice because there is going to be cameras everywhere.”

You nodded obediently.

“There is some business I have to attend to right now. Tae is coming with me… so is Jungkook, so Jin, you are in charge of y/n.”

Jungkook shot up in his seat. “What? I’m going?!?” he was almost excited.

Jin rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Rap monster turned to Jungkook. “If you aren’t ready in the next three minutes you won’t get another chance.”

Jungkook gave you a quickly side glance before he jumped out of his seat and sped off to his room. Within literally two minutes he came back out all ready to go.

“Let’s go.” Rap monster said.

Jungkook trailed behind the other two avoiding your eyes.

“Looks like no date for Y/n” Suga said with almost cheerfully. “Ya, come with me to the studio?” He asked, helping you gather the dishes.

“Oh! That’ll be perfect!” Jimin chimed. “That is a great way to keep you out of the dorm!”

Suga raised an eyebrow at Jimin, pretending not to know why Jimin was so excited. “Yeah… Well, its settled, you’re coming with me” he smiled.

“No she isn’t!” Jin stated. “You all heard Namjoon, she isn’t leaving.”

“He didn’t say that. He just said that you had to keep an eye on her. She’ll be with Yoongi, so she will be fine.” Jimin reasoned.

“Nope, not gonna happen.”

“We’ll be back in time.” Suga argued.

“No.”

“Just let her go man!” Jhope whined.

“No!”

Jimin sighed. “C’mon dude! Fuck, I’ll pack all your shit if you let Y/n go out!” He proposed.

Jin had enough and pounced on Jimin, “I said no! I am no risking losing my time with Jinjin over her!”

“Ok ok fine.” Jimin squeaked

Jin’s eyes landed on you. “Y/n, you don’t take one fucking step out of this dorm!”

“Don’t worry I won’t.” You peeped

Jin let out a groan of frustration as his eyes scanned the four of you. “For the rest of you, I don’t care what you do, just be back on time. Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my room packing for tomorrow.” He said before he disappeared down the hall.

“Ugh, well I guess I’ll just go then.” Suga groaned. “Bye guys.” He said as he gave your shoulder a squeeze.

“Wait up! I want to go too!” Jhope screamed behind him. “Bye y/n, bye Jimin!”

You were sad he was going to leave too, but you noticed he left without going back for his pills, so it made sense to you why he was leaving.

“Well it looks like my surprised is ruined.” Jimin pouted from his seat at the table.

And like that you were alone with Jimin. You couldn’t get yourself to look in his direction. Just hearing how disappointed he was over something meant for you made you feel horrible. But you had to fake something. You had to keep up what you could until you could break up with Jungkook and be guilt free (or at less guilt free as your conscious would allow you). “Well what was the surprise?” you asked as casually as possible.

“It was-“ He jumped up coming to a realization. “You know what? You stay here and like clean or whatever! Don’t come to our room for the next hour!” he said as he ran back to your room.

JK POV

Jungkook followed Rap monster and V into the abandoned building he had been into only once before. His inside flipped because he knew there was only one reason they were here, there was only one purpose that Rap monster had such a place.

Jungkook stood alongside his two hyungs, they were now in the basement of the building that reeked of blood and other unmentionable odors, staring at a man tied to a chair.

The man in the chair had to have been tied up for a while, the dried blood on him made it obvious. Based on his shallow breathing there had to have been something stuffed in his mouth that was kept in place by the crusty band of duct tape that was wrapped around his face. The man was blindfolded, but “lucky” for him, his ears weren’t covered.

Jungkook knew the man was only quiet so that he could hear where they were and what they were saying. Following Rap monster’s moves, Jungkook moved closer to the tied man and he could see that the damaged done was worse than he thought.

There were cigar burns that accented the gash in his ribs. There was bruising around his neck. Patches of his hair had been pulled out and pieces of his ear had been torn off. There were lashes to his hands that were still fresh and there was blood dripping to the floor. Lastly, was missing both pinkies and the index finger on his left hand.

“Why do people have to be so stubborn?” Jungkook thought as he looked at the man with pity. “I thought this was going to be a deal, not this crap!” He hissed at V

“Me too! He never does shit like this before concerts, you know that!”

Rap monster broke from the trio and went right up to the tortured man. He went up close, taking a good look and what was left behind for him. “Well, it looks like my boys had some fun while I was gone.” He smirked

The man’s hands trembled feeling the demonic presence near him. Muffles came from him and without warning, Rap monster ripped the duct tape off his face. A scream escaped the man before a bloodied sock rolled out of his mouth, revealing a set of broken teeth. He gasped for air as he said, “L-let m-m-me go. P-please!”

“I would if I could buddy, but the thing is, I still don’t have any of the money you owe me.” Rap monster said playfully. “You know, it really hurts being cheated like this and by my favorite customer no less.” The more playful his tone, the more terrifying he was.

Rap monster moved away from him and his long legs carried him to the back of the room where a wall of weapons waited for him. His fingers danced over the death toys before picking up and loading his favorite revolver.

“I-I-I t-told them! I-I don’t have the money yet!” the man cried

With the gun in his hand, rap monster went back up to the tied man. He crouched to be at eye level with him, even though the other was still blindfolded. “Why do you keep lying to me Nam?” he asked softly

“I’m not-“

The butt of the revolver slammed into Nam’s temple. “I know you are fucking lying!” He grabbed Nam but what used to be a shirt and began shaking him violently. “You think I haven’t kept my eye on you?!? Did you think I wasn’t going to notice the new car or your daughter’s plastic surgery or that house in Busan?!?” He lifted Nam’s face up and shoved the barrel of the gun into his mouth. All Nam could do was gag as tears streamed from under his blindfold.

“I gave you three months to pay me back you fat fuck! I am going to get my money’s worth one way or another!” Rap monster’s head whipped around to V. “Tae, go get Nam’s surprise from the other room.”

Jungkook stood anxiously as V did as told and left his side. In the meantime, there was only gagging sounds that filled the room as Rap monster stared down at him.

Eventually the door busted open and V walked in dragging blindfolded girl behind him. Like the man was before, the girl also had her mouth taped over. The parts of her exposed face were bruised and cut up, but her school uniform was still intact. V brought her up a few feet in front of Nam and waited for his next order.

“Tae, take the tape off.”

As carefully as he could, V took the tape off the distraught girl.

“Where am I? Where-“

“Jisu?!? Jisu, sweetheart?!?” Nam recognized the teen’s voice immediately.

“Dad?!? Dad where am I?!? Daddy, they said they had you, that all I had to do was come pick you up, but then they took me!” she whimpered. She tried to break from V’s grasp and follow the direction of her father’s voice, but it was no use.

Jungkook could see how torn V was over this. His face was blank for the most part, but it was his eyes that held the pain.

Rap monster lifted Nam’s blindfold off and allowed him to get a glimpse of his daughter. “Jisu! Oh Jisu! Don’t worry! I will take-“

The blast of the revolver boomed through the basement and the man watched in horror as his daughter’s now limp body feel to the ground.

“Ji… Jisu… Jisu!” He already couldn’t control his breathing. “Jisu! No! My baby! Jisu!” He screamed so hard that his voice was giving out. “No! You bastard! You fucking bastard!” his attempts to run to his daughter failed on the count that he was still tied to the chair that was bolted to the floor.

Rap monster made his way back to Jungkook as Nam expressed his emotions in the form of sobs, shouts, and curses.

“Now maknae” Rap monster said with a twisted sparkle in his eye. “Be a good boy and finish him off for me. If you do, you keep the bitch’s car, if not, then you’ll definitely regret it.” He placed the warm revolver in his limp hand.

Jungkook forgot what it was like to hold a gun. It was such a foreign concept to him now. Best and worst of all, he forgot what it was like to kill a person. He didn’t know how he did it before, to be so cold, because now he was scared. He wanted to cry as badly as the man in the chair. He just wanted to go back to y/n and feel normal again.

Rap monster moved over to V “Remind the others that I wanted the Busan house burnt to the ground, I don’t care who is inside. I’ll wait for you guys in the van.” he said before he walked out of the room.

Jungkook turned over to his friend, but V was already walking out the room to follow through with his orders. The gun was heavy in his hands, he barely had the strength to keep his fingers laced around it.

“Please don’t kill me.” The man wept. “I’ll get the money, just please don’t do this.”

Jungkook knew better than to say anything to him. Exchanging words would make this much harder.

“He deserves this.” Jungkook thought. “This guy knew what he was getting into. He knew the type of person he was dealing with. If he really cared about his family, he would have paid Namjoon back.” Jungkook told himself what he could to follow through with all this. His arm raised itself and aimed the gun at his defenseless target. The man’s pleads became more desperate, but he blocked the voice out. “Look at him. He is on the verge of death anyway. There was no way he can live normally after this.” His thumb cocked the gun and a new bullet was ready to go. “I don’t want to do this… but it is either him or me.” He pulled the trigger and again the echo boomed through the room. “and I choose me.”

He was in a daze as he drove back to the dorm in the car of a dead girl. What he had done didn’t feel right. It was weird, it wasn’t the first time he did something like that, neither was it V’s, but now things were different for some reason. He was feeling a rainbow of depressed emotions all at once, but also nothing at all at the same time. “Shock” was probably the only word to describe it, but then again, he didn’t feel that was the right word.

Now parked in front of the dorm, he looked down at the small dark box that sat in his palm. It was a new task that Rap monster suddenly assigned him and he had no idea why. He knew that what was inside the tiny box was going to change everything, and he couldn’t get himself to think of his leader’s motives behind it. This task wasn’t going to be a hard one in theory, but in a few hours it would prove otherwise. It wasn’t like he hadn’t had day dreamed of doing this before, but the fact that Rap monster was going to make him do it, and tonight no less, was the most confusing part.

As soon as he saw V escorting Y/n to the car, he shoved the small box into his jacket pocket and the turned the heater up some more. Just seeing y/n innocently waddle her way to the car lightened his spirit and he hoped that she would be able to get his mind off everything.

She had a subtle frown on her face as she buckled herself in.

“Hey baby.” He leaned in for a kiss, but her gloved and stopped him.

“We are right behind the van, they might see us.” she said blankly.

“Oh yeah, that’s true.” He saw the group van pull out. He used one hand to drive and his other reached for y/n’s hand.

As soon as she felt his fingers, she pulled her hand away. “There is ice on the road, use both hands to drive.”

“You make a good point.” He mumbled.

The air between them was stale, he sensed it. “Is she mad cuz we didn’t go out?… Did Tae tell her what happened, what I did?!? Is she upset over last night? She is mad at me for that. I know it for sure. I’m a piece of shit. I scared her…”

Y/n kept her eyes looking out the window and she had her arms crossed tightly across her chest.

He tried to think of a subtle way to bring up the topic of what happened the night before. “Sorry, I bailed on you this morning… I kinda couldn’t say no-

“Where did this car come from?” she interrupted.

At her question, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of panic, the events from earlier flooded into his mind again. “Uh, what?”

“This car, where did it come from?” Her voice was stern and unnerving and he felt even worse.

“Oh, uh, Namjoon received it as payment…” he knew better that to tell her anything else.

“So why are we driving around in it?”

“Beeeeeecause, um, he said he wanted us to look more couple like.”

“This shit is stupid! There is no point for me to tag along. What does he have up that sleeve of his that I have to come? He is just gonna keep me locked up backstage, won’t he? I am better off being locked in my room!”

He knew exactly why she was coming but he decided to avoid that question. “Ya jagi, don’t talk like that. I prefer you be with us. I don’t like you being locked in the room.” he kept his voice soft as he spoke. She probably had a million theories going through her mind right now. Again, he reached for her hand, but again, she pulled away.

“Shut up, I could be fucking sleeping right now! And I wouldn’t be sleepy if someone hadn’t taken me out of my room!”

“I just missed you, that’s all!”

She scoffed at him, “Yeah right!”

“What? It’s true!”

“Whatever!”

“It is! Fuck it, I just won’t do it anymore!”

“Good!”

His heart sank. Now that they were back in Seoul and they would soon get started on another hectic schedule, nights would have been their only time together.

Y/N POV

Your day had been filled with you being stuck in the dorm with Jimin. His surprise to you had been moving all your clothes into his closet and your shoes onto his shoe rack so that you didn’t have to live out of your trash bags. Of course, the task proved too tiring for him, and you ended up helping him halfway through. It was a heartfelt gesture indeed and it was something that only made you feel like a worse human being.

Most of his words to you during the task went in one ear and out the other as you thought of ways to break things off with Jungkook. You just needed a reason why. Jungkook was a good guy, actually a great guy, and the last thing you wanted to do was feel like more of an asshole by cutting things off so suddenly.

By the time the rest of the guys arrived you were both mentally and physically exhausted. The last thing you wanted to do was go anywhere.

The cold was no help to your attitude and you couldn’t help but be somewhat of a bitch to Jungkook, who was just as clingy as the night before. Part of you didn’t really feel bad about being so harsh with him though. You no longer felt comfortable with him in “that way”. You literally needed some space from him or you were going to explode.

Once backstage, you nestled into the couch and before you knew it, you were asleep.

Your beautiful sleep was once again interrupted. It was an action you were beginning to despise. You opened your eyes and were rather surprised to see a sweaty V throwing an exhausted smile at you.

“What now?” you whined

“Come with me, we have to see Jungkook remember?”

“See Jungkook? Why?”

“He didn’t tell you what was going to happen?”

“Tell me what?” you were too tired to keep track of what he was saying.

V’s smile fell and he grew more serious.“… Well, just come with me, I don’t really have time to explain.”

“Ugh, fine.” You groaned wanting to get whatever you had to do over with.

You groggily followed V down the narrow hall was, the more you walked, the closer you felt to the stage. You felt the roar of the crowd and could barely make out Jungkook’s projected voice. “Tae… Where are we going?” you asked nervously.

“Like I said I have no time to explain.” He circled around you and put his hands on your shoulders, gently pushing you forward. You grew anxious as he guided you towards the stage.

Your heart was pounding and thankfully he stopped you just a few feet away from the edge of the stage. You could see the six other boys, too much in a panic to focus on what they were saying to the sea of fans.

V appeared in front of you. He looked a bit nervous and that didn’t make you feel any better. “I’m sorry about this whole sudden thing y/n, just remember, all you have to do is say yes.” He advised.

“Say yes? Say yes to what?!?”

He didn’t answer you, he only gave a pitiful half-ass smile. He bent his microphone back in place and stepped onto the stage with a fake smile plastered on. “Oh Jungkookie! I brought her!” he said playfully as he rejoined the rest of the boys.

“Yes?!? Ah! Ok!” Jungkook chuckled.

You saw the tall boy running up to you with an anxious smile. “Hey Jagi” he said softly, his voice echoing on the speakers.

“Jungkook, what is going on?”

His hands gently grabbed yours and he pulled you close, “I need you to just come with me really quick.”

You quickly retracted your arms to your chest. “Where?!? Why?!?” Your eyes flew to the stage already having your suspicions.

He pushed the microphone away from his mouth. “Baby, it’s okay, just come with me.”

“No!” you shook your head at him. You could feel your lip quivering

His hand gave your shoulders a reassuring squeeze “C’mon jagi, just really quick! You got this! Just trust me!”

Despite your better judgement, you let him take your hand and slowly take you to the stage. As soon as part of your leg was exposed to the crowd, they went into a frenzy. You wanted to run to the safety of the crew area, but Jungkook kept you from doing so.

Soon you saw an ocean of light sticks. The crowd roared as you made your appearance and you couldn��t help but feel like hell. Your heart was pounding, you couldn’t get ahold of your breathing and Jungkook was forced to walk slowly as you shuffled behind him. As you walked by them, each member had a fake smile stuck on their face.

Eventually Jungkook brought you to the center of the stage where your fingers dug into his coat sleeve and you half tried to hide yourself behind him

“So, uh” Jungkook began, his microphone back in place. “Like I was saying, this girl right here is someone that means so much to me…” The crowd roared again with a mix of cheers and boos. “And well, um…” he mumbled as he pried your hands off him and placed you by his side. “As of recently, I have made a decision… a kinda big one actually…” he said under his breath as his hand rummages through his coat pockets.

Instantly the crowd became quiet.

Jungkook let out a sigh of relief when his hand found whatever it was looking for. “So, uh, jagi?” Again, his hands found yours and your body automatically faced him. It was not at all comforting that he looked just as nervous as you felt. “So, while you were backstage, there was something I was telling ARMY… I was telling them that wee have been together for over tow years already, happy years at that. You have been through alot with, and, uh, i just” He took a deep breath. “I-I… I was just telling them how much you mean to me and how much I love you and-… I wanted to formally introduce you and well, I was hoping that, uh, that…”

Your body froze as you saw him slowly move down to one knee.

“I was hoping to introduce you as my future wife…” Immediately shrilling screams filled the stadium and Jungkook pulled a small black box out of his coat. “Y/f/n Y/l/n, I am absolutely head over heels in love with you and I can’t picture my future without you.” His trembling fingers opened the box to expose a huge diamond on a gold ring. “Will you marry me?”

Your heart stopped, your breathing stopped, everything just stopped. You could feel yourself leave your body somehow, in a way that was indescribable.

There was a look of shock on you that never seemed to fade. Your trembling hands covered your mouth and tears began to pour from your eyes. One thing you knew that no one else did was that those were anything but tears of joy. All you could get yourself to do was slowly nod your head. Before you knew it, Jungkook was sliding the ring on your finger, his arms snaked around you and he was spinning you with glee.

Your vision was blurred and you were dizzy. His lips found yours and you forced yourself to kiss back. Six bodies swarmed around the two of you and the crowd was at an even louder of cheers and incoherent screams and that’s when you knew, that was when you sensed it deep down that you were now stuck indefinitely.

91,000 words and 192 pages later, BTS 3 is done! WOW OKAY! So, what did you guys think of this???? Please let me know what you all think and of you have any ideas of what could possibly happen in BTS 4. And don’t ever be afraid to ask any questions about the series.

Also when it comes to bts 4, i am going to be posting updates. All my bts 4 updates are going to be tagged #behind the scenes, #bts4 and #behindthescenes4. I really don’t want you all in the dark because i do know that it will take a long time to write and i want you all to know that i am not going to forget about the story.

For those of you who recently caught up to Behind The Scenes and for those of you that ave been following up with all this horrible rollercoaster, thank you so much

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alexsunmners · 7 years

Note

5 times we were never alone and the one time we were + Alex ❤️

Alex Summers + this prompt list

A/N: Karley my love I’m so sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. @mvximoff @rax-writes wanna suffer too? anyway this is angst for days so enjoy y’all and also can anyone tell me what my damage is when it comes to water based metaphors bc idk wtf is going on there

inspired by (or something) neptune by sleeping at last

It was supposed to be just the two of you. It’s not, but itwas supposed to be. You smile tightly at Alex across the room, across the sofathat is now too full of your boyfriend’s friends to fit you next to him. Hesmiles tensely, apologetically back at you. I’msorry, his eyes say. I forgot youwanted it to be just us. I’m sorry. Your hands are cold as you twist anduntwist the hem of your sweater, another mechanical smile pulling at your lips.The movie on but it’s just background noise for you. It’s fine, you’ll tell Alex later. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. We’ll have time for us another night.Maybe you’ll remember it when you’ve had a less stressful week.

Maybe he will.

He probably won’t.

You don’t want to fight with him. You never wanted to fightwith him, but it feels like you’re suffocating under the weight of things thatdon’t work about the two of you, and you’d swear you were never thisincompatible before. Funny how things work out like that sometimes.

The movie plays on and you keep twisting and untwisting thehem of your sweater and stare blankly at the TV screen as you think of ways toavoid fighting when the others all leave for the night.

Raven is waiting by the door, hovering with tension evidentin her face as you stare evenly back at Alex. You can feel the uncertaintyradiating from her and you know she doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want tohave to be seeing this. It’s not her fault she’s seeing it, though.

“Alex, I told you. I can’t do tonight. I’ve been telling youall week that I’d be busy with the work function tonight.” Your chin is raiseddefiantly and you refuse to back down or to show the slightest sign ofweakness. He sets his jaw and exhales slowly.

“It’s another party. Do you have to go to another party withthe same twenty something people you’ve already met a hundred times-” he startsand you fold your arms.

“Yes, I have to be there, Alex. I have to go. I even askedif you wanted to go when it was first organised and you said no. Which is whyRaven is coming instead of you,” you remind him, a little too sweetly for theapology in your tone to be genuine.

There’s a pause that echoes sharply, like something isfracturing, breaking irreparably. Something is changing between the two of youand you don’t want to think about it right now, so you just smile tightly andmove to kiss his cheek and say “Another night, baby. I appreciate that youwanted time for just the two of us. Another night.”

You can feel him watching you as you turn on your heel and maketo leave, taking hold of Raven’s arm as you let the door swing shut behind you.

“So, how are you two?” The question hangs in the air, likebait in the water as the shark circles below, just out of sight. You risk aquick glance at Alex, offering him the chance to answer first, unsure just howmuch of the damage the two of you are willing to reveal to the other people atthe party. He meets your gaze and then as suddenly as if a switch has beenflicked, he smiles brilliantly and turns back to meet Betsy’s eyes.

“We’re great. Things have been busy lately, what with workand everything, but we’re both doing fine, if a bit tired.” You’ve only met heronce or twice before. She’s Warren’s girlfriend and she’s just trying to bepolite. She wouldn’t have known just how loaded the question she posed was. Alexcan feel the way your hand tightens slightly on his arm, and out of the cornerof your eye, you can see the way his smile flickers slightly, can feel the wayhis arm tenses briefly. The well-practiced façade of ‘fine’ is tired. Is rundown. Is barely believable.

The room is suddenly far too full and you wish you hadn’tcome to this party. You don’t even know who’s hosting. Someone from Alex’swork. Someone you’ve probably met before, but can’t remember. Maybe if youremembered who was hosting, you wouldn’t be fighting with Alex like youare-have been. Alex’s body temperature has always run high, but right now hisarm is ice cold under your touch, and you feel so distanced from yourself thatyou might as well be floating miles above everyone else.

The rest of the crowd is unaware of the tension risingbetween you and your boyfriend, but you feel it’s sharp talons dig into yourspine and you know they’ll stay there until you’re home, until the wave breaksand the latest fight begins.

You’re tired-so unspeakably tired. You’re sitting in bed,staring at a book you thought you wanted to read and wishing you were somewhereelse. You can hear the faint murmur of Alex’s voice in the next room, the lowanswering hum of Hank’s voice in response, but you can’t make out the words.You don’t think you want to. The exhaustion radiating through your body makes youfeel like you’re sinking down into the mattress and you’re hovering right onthe edge of dreamless, weary oblivion, but sleep isn’t overtaking you fast enoughto outrun your thoughts. You don’t know when loving him got this hard. Becauseyou do still love him, but these days, it doesn’t feel like loving him isenough to make things work for the two of you.

You haven’t fought much lately. It feels like you’re bothtiptoeing delicately around each other, hoping that the feigned peace willlast, hoping that if you pretend for long enough it might become real again. Itwon’t, and you both know it, and right now you’re too tired to let yourselfcling to a false hope. Your hands are numb as you set your book aside and you shiftonto your side, pulling the covers up to your chin and wondering idly if thingscould have been different.

Doesn’t matter now, though. Things aren’t different. Thingsare bad and you and your love and your exhaustion are caught right in themiddle of it all. There’s a low sigh from the other room and you hear Hank saysympathetically “I’m sorry,” and you wish you didn’t know what he wasapologising for, but you do. Or at least, you can guess. And you know it’s notHank’s fault.

You sit back against the sofa in the coffee shop, warmingyour hands against your mug of hot chocolate as you tune out the voices of Seanand Angel, chatting idly beside you, your gaze fixed on Alex’s back as he waitsin line for his coffee. It’s bittersweet as he glances back and smiles at you.You feel like you’re standing on thin, cracking ice, and there’s a pit in your stomachthat reminds you of falling. You’re tired and so is he. The carefullyengineered veneer of ‘fine’ is fractured almost beyond repair and you know yourfriends are all treading delicately around the both of you. The looks ofsympathy from the others is almost more painful than knowing that sooner orlater, you’ll have to call this whole thing off.

The hot chocolate burns your tongue a little as you take asip and you wonder absentmindedly if Alex can feel the end looming over the twoof you as clearly as you can. He glances back at you again, and the flicker ofsomething desperate in his eyes tells you he can. Maybe that’ll make it easier.Maybe it’ll feel more like falling asleep than drowning when you both finallylet go. You wonder if it would hurt less if you blamed him for it all. Even ifit might, you can’t find it in you to put all of the blame on him. It’s yourfault too.

The room is empty, except for the two of you and it feelslike the walls might cave in. He’s right there but there might as well be amillion goddamn miles between the two of you. You could reach out and touch himif you wanted to, but you’re afraid that if you try, your hand will pass rightthrough where it looks like he’s standing. It doesn’t feel real. None of thisfeels real. You force yourself to meet his gaze, dragging your own from yourfeet, your head feeling like it’s full of cement.

“Yeah. I get it. We-it-yeah.” The words slip numbly fromyour lips, and you’re barely paying attention to your actions. “I understand,Alex. It’s okay.”

It’s not okay. It’s the furthest thing from okay, but tryingto hold on, trying to prolong this would only make it worse. His brow isfurrowed and his eyes are distant and glassy and you wonder if you look likethat. Worse, probably.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. His voice is low and hoarse and alittle desperate. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you.” His words are likea final plea for you to stop this, for you to reach out and take hold of himand pull him back to shore. You know that’s how he feels because you feel thesame way. But you know this has to be over. It’ll hurt, but if you cling tothis broken love you’ll only end up hating each other. You take a deep breathand square your shoulders.

“I’m sorry too. I hope-I hope we’re both happier after this.”This is the grown-up thing to do, you tell yourself. This is the right thing todo. It feels like you’re letting go of the safety raft, letting yourself driftaimlessly into the dark current. “I love you. I want you to be happy. And beinghappy means we have to call this off.”

Letting go feels a little like drowning, a little likefalling asleep. It’s different to how you thought but it doesn’t hurt any less.You smile sadly at him and reach out to squeeze his hand. He’s real. Hisfingers flex under your touch and he lets out a long, shuddery breath. “Yeah,”he says almost inaudibly. “This needs to be over, doesn’t it?”

Your smile has jagged edges and you can feel your head slippingunder the water, safety slipping from your grip.

“Yeah. It does.”

#alex summers #alex summers x reader #alex summers imagine #havok #havok x reader #havok imagine #x men #marvel #x men imagine #marvel imagine #my writing #wreakedhavok #answered

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

Text

Ali & Carly

Ali: Have you been to the Drs yet?

Ali: I can come with if you want

Carly: what are you talking about?

Carly: why would I?

Ali: When was your last period?

Carly: idk

Carly: who cares

Ali: I think you're pregnant, Carly

Ali: whatever you plan to do, the sooner you get it handled the better

Carly: wtf no

Carly: im not

Ali: Have you done a test?

Ali: worth a check

Carly: i dont need to

Carly: id know if i was having a baby

Carly: you have it doesnt mean youre an expert k

Ali: Girl, you ain't seen 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'?

Ali: its not all the drama and vomming its usually made out to be

Ali: not always

Carly: k

Carly: but youre wasting your time telling me

Carly: i dont need to know

Ali: Fair enough

Ali: but I don't mind

Ali: how have things been then?

Carly: good

Carly: what about you?

Ali: i'm glad

Ali: you know, bit stressful but getting into the swing of things with Edie

Ali: basically ready to go Singapore

Ali: just a few loose ends to sort

Carly: yea

Carly: she's good?

Ali: Yeah, pretty chill, bless her

Ali: how's Drew

Carly: he's him

Ali: Yeah

Ali: Could you tell him Meena would like to see him

Ali: he doesn't need to worry

Ali: not an ambush

Carly: k yea i will

Ali: Thanks Carly

Carly: he'll wanna see her

Carly: dont thank me

Ali: I know but thanks all the same

Ali: Its going to be weird leaving this place

Ali: I'll miss ya

Carly: no you won't

Carly: youll be having too much fun

Ali: I mean, its the plan but three kids and a full-time course

Ali: doesn't scream party party 😜

Ali: anyway, who there will let me art all over them? not a euphemism

Carly: too busy wiping baby butts and having breakdowns then

Carly: Caleb will

Carly: on both counts

Ali: Exactly, I'll be sobbing down the phone

Ali: like I never left 😂

Ali: and the jury's out there

Ali: 🤞 though

Carly: dont

Carly: unless you give me warning to zone out

Carly: he will

Carly: he loves you

Ali: duh, friend's prerogative

Ali: its best if you don't dole out the advice

Ali: not that that stops me but so I've heard

Ali: I know

Ali: Still hurt him

Ali: sometimes you can't come back from shit, so we'll see

Carly: sometimes you can

Ali: Of course

Ali: I never got to say sorry to you

Ali: that was shitty of me

Ali: things were hectic

Ali: but I really am

Carly: why

Carly: he wasnt mine

Ali: No but I knew how you felt about him

Ali: I could explain why it happened and the specific circumstances but I don't want to if you don't wanna hear it

Carly: no i didnt know

Carly: dont he wanted you for years

Carly: he got it out of his system

Ali: Okay, well I had my suspicions then

Ali: that was what it was for him

Ali: but not me

Carly: i know

Carly: you have a lot of supicious

Carly: thinking im knocked up dont make me laugh

Ali: I know the signs, Carly

Carly: i hope so

Carly: 3 kids

Ali: and you're showing them

Carly: im not

Carly: why are you trying to put the idea in my head

Carly: drew dont want your kid were not going there

Ali: because someone needs to

Ali: i don't care what drew wants

Ali: i'm telling you for you

Ali: so you can do what you want

Carly: well i do

Carly: i care what he wants

Carly: and i dont want any kids either

Ali: cool, that's totally fine but then you're on a time limit here

Ali: there's things you need to get sorted before you can't

Ali: this isn't an induction into the club, i don't need a yummy mummy friend

Ali: i care about you, i want you to do right by you on this

Carly: if you care then stop

Carly: seeing things that arent there

Carly: youre messing with my head here

Ali: i'm not trying to

Ali: do you wanna take the risk?

Ali: i'll get you a test

Ali: prove me wrong and tell me to fuck off

Ali: I WANNA be wrong too but I don't think I am so

Carly: dont

Carly: save your money for your kids

Carly: I'm not having one

Carly: i dont need to prove that or anything to you

Ali: Okay

Ali: that's all I've got to say

Ali: I won't speak on it again

Carly: good

Carly: i dont need it from you

Ali: I can imagine

Ali: but I didn't see anyone else letting you know

Ali: Had to, I'm not sorry for doing it but I am sorry its got to be me

Carly: its nobodys business

Carly: it's not even mine its not happening

Ali: Not what you do, no

Ali: but someone should be taking care of you

Ali: is Drew?

Carly: he loves me

Ali: doesn't answer the question

Carly: its not what you wanna hear you mean

Ali: Not gonna say I'm happy for you 'cos how could I?

Ali: But if you think I want Drew

Ali: then no

Carly: you should

Carly: you should want him

Ali: Well, I don't

Ali: I'm not saying he's the devil incarnate but I just don't

Ali: and you wouldn't want me to so?

Carly: i want him to be happy

Ali: We all want that for him

Ali: he doesn't feel it rn I know

Ali: but we do

Ali: You too, Carly

Carly: like i said im good

Ali: I hope so

Ali: don't you think you make Drew happy?

Carly: he wanted you and his kid you know that

Ali: No he didn't, doesn't

Ali: He's not seen her at all, its been a month

Ali: and you know he has no plans

Carly: im not telling tales on him

Carly: you know why he hasn't been around

Ali: Not asking you to

Ali: just bare in mind that he's got his side and I've got mine

Ali: Respect his but don't deny me mine, I know what happened and what was said to me

Carly: k

Ali: [Drewsif: I want nothing to do with it, that thing, fuck you both]

Ali: last I heard

Ali: I'm taking him at his word

Carly: he's in pieces

Carly: he doesnt want you and caleb pushing him out

Carly: her calling someone else dad while he pays up

Ali: We all are but we have to talk about it, to work it out

Ali: He's not being pushed out

Ali: its self-exile

Ali: and he isn't paying anything, don't expect him to, even though I'd be within my rights to ask

Ali: that ain't me

Ali: He's her Father, always will be but if he won't communicate with me, how can I make him step up?

Ali: I'm not about to make him, he has to want it, want her

Carly: he's scared

Ali: Understandable

Ali: He isn't the only one

Ali: he's allowed to be

Ali: but he isn't allowed to use her as a pawn, no

Carly: i know

Carly: i wish i could help

Ali: I know

Ali: you're a good person, Carly

Ali: I'm not trying to be a cunt, to anyone

Ali: but especially not you

Ali: I just wish everything could be sorted

Carly: Don't make laugh

Carly: I am not

Carly: everything'll get sorted he just needs to sort his head first

Ali: You are

Ali: Can't even help yourself, like 😘

Ali: I want him too

Ali: but if he could, keep us in the loop

Ali: because then I'll know what to say and do

Ali: I've got to think of Edie, first

Ali: but I don't hate Drew, and I want what's best for him

Ali: for all of us

Carly: can't help myself about load of shit

Carly: not that

Carly: give him a bit more time

Carly: not years just

Carly: she's so little

Ali: Nah

Ali: You've got many good deeds tallied to your name, trust

Ali: outweighs the rest

Ali: Okay

Ali: at the end of the day, we're always going to be here

Ali: not here here but

Ali: whenever he comes around, if he can prove he's worth it, he'll be given the chance

Ali: I'm not being unfair or keeping her from him

Carly: i know you wouldnt

Carly: i know what hes worth too

Ali: I take your word on it

Ali: but at the moment, that's all I got

Ali: but I'll be waiting on him, I promise, okay?

Carly: yea

Carly: thanks ali

Carly: youre still sweet

Ali: any time

Ali: you too girl

Carly: if i had a ma like you

Carly: the kids are lucky

Carly: and theyre gonna be good

Carly: youll see

Ali: get ready to plug your ears

Ali: too hormonal, you're gonna make me cry!

Ali: but i'm putting my life on it

Ali: its going to be good

Carly: its ok you can

Carly: have a sob

Carly: itll be kicking in for me when you get going

Ali: Thought you meant your hormones

Ali: Hope you stopped listening already, don't fight me 😉

Carly: I've killed them off

Carly: havent bleed regular since i started

Carly: it'll be all that good microwave nutrition

Ali: Gurl

Ali: Please, please PLEASE stop by the restaurant

Ali: I'll tell Gus and co, put it on my tab

Ali: If I could I'd be bringing you meals myself but I ain't gone be here

Ali: Promise bitch

Carly: itd be wasted on these tastebuds

Carly: dead too

Carly: youve got enough mouths to feed, bitch

Ali: then grub is grub so shut up and like it

Ali: need them nutrients

Ali: scrappy lil thing 😘

Carly: when she's a feeder. Thought you stopped fancying me years back

Ali: Oh no, I'm just out here biding time, poppin' out kids, 'til you come to your senses

Carly: i'll bring my imaginary kid when i roll up

Carly: you can name it

Ali: Ugh, my favourite bit!

Ali: know the way to my 💚 babe

Ali: I'll be pondering

Carly: boy or girl since you know everything

Ali: I'd have to run some tests

Ali: not bought from the chemists

Ali: lemme get the string and ring and be right there, like

Carly: ha

Carly: what do you do with that

Carly: tie me down

Ali: Literally, hog-tied and wifed up in one

Carly: casual weekday

Ali: you know it

Ali: how else did i end up the teen mum trash i am today

Carly: you arent

Carly: youre the best mum

Carly: if i was having any babies id want tips

Ali: Stop! 😭 When she's trying to break you #killabitchwithkindness

Ali: I'll set up the mummy blog now 😉 get in on it before i'm mega famous and getting those nappy brand deals

Carly: no need to link me

Carly: clueless and childless until death

Ali: hey, doesn't sound like the worst life to me

Ali: former bliss, latter...probs the same

Carly: when you going?

Carly: to singapore not the afterlife

Ali: just over a week

Ali: scary stuff, man

Carly: won't see you then

Carly: busy girl you are

Ali: I can make time

Ali: My Mother will be having an aneurysm but I'm pretty chill, ya know 😜

Carly: yea

Carly: thatd be good

Ali: Wicked, might have some kiddos in tow, at least the bab, can throw the others into Nursery mwahahaha

Ali: want me to bring the gun again, give you something to remember me by? 👌😋

Carly: aw

Carly: but the boys my fave

Carly: yea you should

Ali: when she wants you to bring a man

Ali: #baitedagain

Ali: you are his fave, why not, play dates are the chillest form of socialisation

Ali: fuck the club tbh

Ali: I will then

Ali: matching? be dem hoes?

Carly: ha

Carly: when hes that cute

Carly: aw

Carly: yea we have to

Carly: everyones thinking it

Ali: 🙌 let 'em think, make 'em talk

Carly: ill miss you

Ali: i'll miss you too

Ali: but i won't let ya, be on that phone 24/7

Ali: i've been made to swear on my life i'll be back for christmas, s'only a few months

Ali: we'll catch up then?

Carly: yea

Carly: theres your gift

Ali: yay, i'll bring you back some cool shit we don't have here no doubt

Carly: better drugs or worse

Carly: let me know

Carly: dont wanna fill your case with any old shit

Ali: with MY vagina? baggies fall right out

Ali: soz babe

Ali: mail order bride?

Ali: you know you wanna

Carly: ha

Carly: drew'd be happy

Carly: so yea should do

Ali: hm, i'll get him a keyring

Ali: 😉

Carly: he is always losing mine

Ali: See? I just KNOW things

Carly: bring him an address book too cant pretend he dont know where i am

Ali: He needs that alright

Ali: maybe I'll invent a microchip while I'm out there

Ali: hotwire his brain

Carly: yea

Carly: make me one too

Carly: different programming but

Ali: I will

Ali: get your requests in now

Carly: ill do my list

Ali: So many lists

Ali: my head is lists

Ali: as if they don't have socks there 🙄

Carly: use mine for storage

Carly: its emptied out

Ali: nah, might be nights out lights out

Ali: but you still in there

Ali: better be, not gotta make a cake but you know I'm coming so 💚

Carly: never made one but for you id give it a try

Carly: especially if you bring my fave boy

Ali: Obviously! Mum rule #1, bribe 'em with sugar, always

Ali: 😍 lets make fairy cakes #domesticgoddesses

Carly: dont think the caravan is kitted out for that

Carly: but yea

Ali: come over here man

Ali: there isn't a kitchen better stocked

Ali: can't even take the cred

Carly: serious? i can

Ali: Of course, hell yeah

Ali: ngl, save me getting out the pram of hell, double wide, you'd see me coming from a mile off 🙄😂

Carly: gonna borrow that when im feeling tired

Carly: ill fit

Ali: you probably would, its tempting

Ali: get Junie walking for me and there's a spot with your name on it

Carly: run into my arms sweet boy

Ali: [Sends Junior selfie]

Ali: The look of love, he's buzzin'

Carly: aw

Carly: trying to make me wish there is a kid in here

Carly: if its a boy like him

Ali: they'll work on you like that

Ali: sneaky adorable bastards

Carly: itd be a rio

Carly: i know

Ali: shh, she might hear you 😜

Ali: i can't hold her back, gurl, you'll be on your own

Carly: junie will protect me

Ali: Fair, he's her weak spot

Ali: Solid plan

Carly: whats edie gonna say

Carly: havent even seen her

Ali: she's not much of a talker

Ali: i'll whack my tit out if she gets aggro

Ali: that always works

Carly: on all the girls yea i know

Ali: you said it baby

Carly: war flashbacks happening

Carly: been on more tits than you

Ali: alright, don't rub it in

Ali: straight bitch

Carly: dont say rub

Carly: ive done my time

Ali: 😂 you say that but no one forced you

Ali: self-inflicted punishment still punishment, yeah?

Carly: yea yea

Ali: Well, I better go buy those vacuum pack things

Ali: WILD

Ali: need anything?

Carly: fun

Carly: no thanks

Carly: im set

Ali: coolio, catch you in a bit bitch 💋

Carly: love you bitch

Ali: always gon' love you

Ali: BITCH

#love these two

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canaryatlaw · 6 years

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alright, I’m pretty tired so let’s get this post going. I’m not really in the best of moods, mostly to do with my upcoming trip to New York for spring break, and mainly that it’s coming so soon, being that I’m flying out Thursday morning. Idk what to do with all of these feelings. I think most of it has to do with me stressing out over jobs, with the NYC interview coming up Friday morning and I’m just feeling very unsure about all of it. If I get offered the job, which I think there’s a fair likelihood will happen at this point (I mean, I made it to the second interview, so that’s gotta count for something, and I know I’m about as qualified as one can be for an entry level position) I’m gonna feel like I need to accept it, because it is pretty much the only application I have going on that is *actually* what I want to do, and not just somewhat related to it. but now I just don’t know if I want to end up in New York because I don’t want to be lonely. It might be the best job offer, but if I end up cooped up in an apartment alone and miserable, what’s the point? Especially when the other option I have, staying here, is no longer going to be that way for me, it hasn’t been since the start of the year and I’ve been having so much fucking fun. should I sacrifice a better job offer for a more fulfilling overall quality of life? (or Jess can just move to New York with me and solve all my problems) That’s assuming I even get a job offer in Chicago, I’ve applied to tons of places and it’s all been radio silence so far, though I know a lot of them just haven’t gotten to that point yet so it doesn’t mean I’ve already been rejected from all of them. And some of them I think I’d be really good with, special education or domestic violence, both things I’m fairly qualified to do, it’s just not exactly what I was aiming for. I mean, it’s not like I don’t know what I want to do. I very much know what I want to do- I just don’t really have many options on being able to do it because the office I spent a year interning in is in a hiring freeze and has 3 semesters worth of impeccable performance reviews for me sitting in a file somewhere that will never be read (and trust me, they’re gold, I have no doubt that I would be offered a job there if the freeze gets lifted). So yeah, this is more of me not knowing what the hell to do. I looked up when the late registration for the Illinois bar exam ends, and it’s April 1st, so by the end of the month I’ll hopefully know what my final decision is going to be, because if it’s still in flux I’d have to risk putting one thousand fucking dollars down for a test that I’m not sure I’ll actually be taken, and that’s a load of bullshit. I will say though, it makes me happy that of all the New York options, the one that’s panning out for me is the one that’s totally unrelated to anyone my dad or my brother knows, it’s one where I’m being evaluated on my own merit, not by what my last name is, and getting the position because I worked my ass off to get here and I truly deserve it, not as a result of some nepotism. my dad will never understand this, because he thinks he worked his whole life so he could give us a leg up, and my brother was more than willing to take it, but I’m not my brother and I never will be, I didn’t follow him to law school, I decided on going long before he did. I want my achievements to be my own. I’m already aware of just how much privilege I’ve had getting here, how fortunate I’ve been to have parents who are incredibly anti-student loan and willing to help make that happen (although a lot of that was possible because I got rather large scholarships that significantly cut down the price tag). I get that, and I want this to be something that I at least do on my own merit, even if I was very much assisted in getting there, I want it to be about my skills and my abilities, not some misguided nepotism disguised as “connections” and “who you know” (which my dad has been telling me is what matters literally since I was a very small child). I know he’s never going to get that, but that’s okay. I will be pleased to know that I got this job because of my own work, not his. Anyway. I should probably get around to actually talking about my day now. Woke up at 10:55, got ready and took the 11:20 bus to the DV courthouse, then just caught the train as it was about to leave, so pretty much the opposite of what happened last week lol, and of course now I ended up getting to the courthouse early, because apparently my only options are early or late, on time just not being possible (oh well). Got checked in, then sat with my laptop open, hiding my phone behind it reading the case I need to read for civil rights tomorrow, because the clerks go all power hungry and don’t want anyone using cell phones inside the area, even though I have explicit permission to do so as a volunteer, but it’s just not worth getting into a fight over, so I disguised it with my laptop so they couldn’t see (they don’t have wifi so I couldn’t just bring the case up on my laptop, or I would’ve just done that. I waited probably a little under an hour before getting on a case, paired with one of the newer volunteers as has been the case lately, and was assigned to do the affidavit, as the other volunteer hadn’t done the paperwork yet (the affidavit is harder, but learning the paperwork is complex and I sometimes still goof it up despite this being my third year working here). Client was a very nice woman who was filing against the father of her child, who had apparently stalked her back to Chicago from Florida, though it was unique in a couple ways, one of them being that there was a DCFS case going on in Florida based on domestic violence allegations (which is a whole other subject that I will not get started on because I’ll never shut up) where their daughter was actually removed and placed with her sister, but she regained custody, and said the father’s rights had been terminated, but based on some of the other things she was saying about his contact with their daughter being allowed made me somewhat suspicious that that might not actually be the case, nothing malicious on her end at all, I’ve just seen many parents get tripped up and confused with the process and just misunderstand what’s going on because it is very complex. so there was some interesting stuff there, there had only been text and voicemail threats since the last DV incident in 2013 (which was rather horrific so I won’t go into it, but it definitely endangered the child as well), so that kind of hurts the argument that it is in fact an emergency, but he had been sending death threats, and the court does not take those lightly of course. But we didn’t end up getting to find out what the court would say because the client ended up having to go because her ride had to leave, and she was going to return tomorrow morning to finish up and go to court. so we ended up being released around 3:30, which was nice. I took the blue line to the bus stop, and just missed the bus, it was at the stop down on the street as I got off the train, and by the time I got there it was gone. I wasn’t too pissed though because I had kinda been wanting to get an ice cream from the donut shop right there, so I did that and waited for the next bus, which came in about 12 minutes. So that was enjoyable at least, but the bus ride felt incredibly slow, and I didn’t get home until 4:50 or so. After i got home Jess came over pretty soon afterwards, and I started cooking. I was trying a new recipe, a garlic parmesan chicken lasagna bake, so that required a bit of prep. As I detailed last week I was using the rotisserie chicken with the hope that it would flavor it better, as has been my ongoing battle with trying to cook chicken in a way that’s not absolutely terrible for you and still somehow tastes appetizing, which I haven’t been terribly successful with so far. It took a while to assemble, but then it was in the oven and was ready just before The Flash started. The Flash episode was probably one of the better ones of this season, though that’s really not saying much because this season has been not great so far. It was a decent enough episode though, I enjoyed Jesse being back, and the format of the episode was interesting, even if their scientific explanations were somewhat hard to follow. Black Lightning was pretty solid, I totally adore Anissa and her desire to protect her neighborhood and fight back, and I would like to think that if I had her powers I would feel the same way. Gamby is obviously being super shady so that’s gonna be a plot that deserves exploring. Poor Lynn though, first she had to go through this with Jefferson and now with Anissa, while I do think they should go be saving people, I can definitely empathize with Lynn’s pain not knowing if her loved ones will safely return to her. The whole last scene with the Lady Eve ambush was pretty crazy, definitely can’t say it was what I was expecting, and it looks like Tobias will end up being the big bad this season after all, I had been hearing some speculation that it was ultimately going to be Lady Eve and Tobias was just a underling. So we’ll have to see where it goes from there. After the episode Jess headed home because she was tired from staying up last night and of course has to get up early for her *real* job. So I started season 2 of Game of Thrones, which I will admit was somewhat hard to follow. I get there’s obviously a power struggle going on with different people wanting to claim the throne as their own, but I’m somewhat lost as to who Stannis is and how he plays into all of this. I feel so bad for Sansa basically being held captive, and I have to continue talking about my love for Arya and how she’s such a little badass that escaped the fucking king as a tiny child. And I’m still not sure how Daenerys plays into all of this, I mean I know her father was the king who got overthrown by the king who just died, but idk what she’s trying to do now with her dothraki army and baby dragons (though I look forward to seeing what happens with them once they grow up). After that finished I didn’t want to start a new one since they’re rather long, so I hung out for a little while longer before starting to get ready for bed, including cleaning the rest of the kitchen because my roommate cleaned it really well over the weekend and I don’t want to mess it up when I’m just going to leave in two days anyway. And yeah, did all that good stuff and now I’m here. Got PT in the morning and then my two classes. Again, kind of tired, and it’s 12:45 am now, so I’m going to take that as sufficient reason to retire to sleep. Goodnight babes. Stay awesome.

#daily journal #March 2018 #Rachel watches The Flash #Rachel watches Black Lightning

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anyu-blue · 6 years

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Bug infestation fyi.

I'm starting to get really worried...

Living here has turned into an absolute nightmare... It's nice to see the sun and to be on the top floor and have that sort of freedom and all.. but the bedbugs... I can overlook the slightly unpleasant neighbors. The thin walls. The crumbling roof (my ceiling is starting to get really bad). The leaks and places other bugs like to get in. I'm sure our neighbors do the same... But these bugs.

I didn't actually realize how tenacious and TINY they are. A female can only lay one egg a day, but in the buggy would.. that's a lot. And there only needs to be one male and explosions are imminent. Can even be from an egg she just laid, they don't have problems with inbreeding. And while a female can only mate once a day.. a male can mate with all females in his area.

So even one... One tiny, itty bitty bug that's oh so hard to see, let alone feel... Could spell disaster for an entire complex. Because those big ones I've been squashing.. yeah.. they're actually really old comparatively.. and all the new ones that have and will hatch.. smaller than a pin head. I'm only lucky enough to know that thanks to the massively gruesome display in my room rn... There are dozens.. dozens of tiny tiny, so small you wouldn't see them unless you were looking, corpses or possibly carapaces on my pad. With all the powder I've put in there they've dehydrated and ended up stopping where they were looking for food... I hope. I hope they aren't carapaces. They don't look to have moved either way.. I keep checking.. I have pictures.. but millimeters are a lot bigger to them than they are to me.... But I also keep finding more. I thought I'd just missed them initially, but I put something clean down in there a week or two ago and moved it a few days ago only to discover about 6 Tiny little dots on top of it... And a much larger, live buggy under it.

The diatomaceous earth works to a degree and I'm so grateful... But it's obviously not full proof.

....

We need to move. Because Tevie and I can't afford this place on our own...

I mean I MAY have about $200 extra by the end of the month to go towards a deposit on a new place... If our mother doesn't drop the ball on us and refuse to pay rent like she threatened... Which she can't technically legally do because she has so much of her stuff here... But may try anyway and I'm still really angry about...

But even then.. even if I DO have the extra... I can't think of a single place that will take us... Because of the risk. I don't WANT to infest a new place... I'm going insane enough as it is knowing THIS wasn't our fault....

I'm riddled with bites. RIDDLED. And I keep finding more. We even keep powdering... Tevie keeps vacuuming... I keep washing (hot water hot dryer) And the number doesn't go down. It's actually gone up. I didn't realize how bad the back of my arms were until I caught myself in the mirror today.

My legs. My feet. My back, belly, neck, shoulders, FINGERS (those ones suck). These are the ones I just happen to spot.. because they're red and puffy, but only for a maximum of 2 days before they disappear on me... And they've started itching... Due to the sheer number I may be developing the allergy.. or it's probably psychological which also isn't fun.

Who would WANT to take us in?

Even if we find someone.. which I am seriously starting to doubt... We have to get rid of so much... Tevie is distraught... Because she doesn't want to lose her bed.. or the body pillows I saved up to give her as gifts to help her sleep a few years ago... Every time I try to talk about moving she tells me to stop. To shut up... Because if we manage it.. it's going to be so hard. We're losing so much.. and we don't even HAVE that much...

I'm also worried that if we move someplace and some how manage to avoid transporting.... we're not going to be looked kindly on for sleeping/eating/spending so much time on the floor.. the couch where I'm sleeping now, the chair that goes with it, all the beds... All the pads... At least half our pillows. Blankets (especially comforters).. many clothes and our few storage thingys ( specificly ones with too small crevices).. any large/unwashable stuffed animals we still have... It all has to go. There's no way we can guarantee they'll be bug free... I'm honestly terrified I'm going to have to give up my Scooby too... My comfort blanket..

What will a landlord or property manager think when they come to check on us or if we need something repaired?

Most of the furniture we are using isn't ours anyway.. it's our mom's. Lucky me.. we've completely fallen out. There goes the kitchen stuff. Washer. Dryer.

I mean it FEELS bad enough... But for some reason people really judge hard too. We wouldn't be able to to have anyone over because of all we'll lose, and poor Tevie is even more upset because of that too. We will be lucky to have my TV and our games/stations maybe... But not right away because they will need full proof decontamination.. heavy cleaning and freezing if it won't kill them (ie any electronics).. if we can borrow a freezer or have one available to us.

I have already given Tevie my promise that no matter what, she doesn't have to sleep on the floor.. that she can have my hammock since it has made my old injury act up (mostly because I suck at sleeping correctly so I hurt myself unintentionally. Another reason I really miss having a bed.) But it makes her feel worse knowing she'll be taking it from me after I fought so hard for it (it's an old guilt thing having to deal with how she was kept in place specificly). But it's something we can clean and take with us with little danger.. I hope.

I just... UGH what do I do?

If we had.. gods.. idk.. if we had a $1000 gift even... We could manage to start over... to break our lease and throw 95% of stuff out... It would be no less painful, but we could get some cheap dressers or something brand new for storage.. air mattresses or cheap frames and pads for places to sleep.. a large freezer to salvage some clothes and blankets and anything that will survive a deep freeze, plus a place for food storage all in one.. or just a small, cheap new wardrobe if nothing else. Like $50-$75 each... Money for the cost of moving ourselves.. and a deposit, first month's rent.. just a start... Until we could start to save something. Anything.. to get whatever else we may need then want.

But then even a gift of $1000 would also devaste us rn..

Due to the reporting laws, After taxes, it would push us over the minimum income for a family of 2 per month and I'd lose my health insurance (means no meds). We could be turned away from housing due to having too much in the bank... Why are poor people not allowed to have savings anymore? Why is so much demanded up front when the reason people are going into programs is because they DON'T have it??

We could NOT report it.. and then potentially get fined for fraud...

Ugh... A lot of this is worst case scenario stuff... And I could have some things wrong here... But it's what's on my mind... And the very real possibility of living out of a car here in the near future.. if I'm even allowed to keep it. If I'm not... I lose my job, which everyone already knows... My dad will take Tevie and me in in a heartbeat.. but I can't risk infesting his or anyone he gets to help's house. He and our friends can't afford it any more than we can. None of them can.. there's already 7 of my family members living in that 3 bedroom house for Pete's sake... I'd sooner opt to throw ALL my stuff away, even the clothes on my back...

I can't tell what it's going to be yet. How far it all will go.. I just know it's going to be so incredibly difficult no matter what.

...

Slightly unrelated rant here..

Meanwhile my mom doesn't have to worry about a (crumbling) roof over her head because her bf's parents own his place from what I understand. While they may struggle like us to put food on the table here and there, she never has to fear homelessness. She has a bed, a dresser, plenty of furniture, space to be herself, support.. even a bf who wants to give her MORE of all of the above.

... She's also allowed up here with access to everything anytime (I've asked for a heads up of when she does want to be here only so I can be out of her way, but that's too disrespectful of me because she pays her portion of the rent, so she's never here)... And so is never high and dry or fearful... And so feels like it wouldn't be a terrible move to just drop this place and us altogether. To take what she wants and/or needs and leave without fear.

Tevie and I are on the brink of losing everything... And she just doesn't care. I'm still angry about that too. About her lies in caring about us.. because she clearly doesn't. She doesn't HAVE to go through this with us and has chosen not to. And I don't think there's anything I CAN do about that either. I wouldn't want to go through this either.. I mean I REALLY don't want to be going through it right now.. but I, for one, have refused to abandon my sister. My job. My pet. And my hobbies (for now).. which means keeping my clothes (work has dress code).. mandatory decent night's rests.. fighting the infestation/dealing with bites... Working on moving/losing stuff all by myself... It's exhausting.. and I'm terrified.. but I can't just run away from it... (Especially cuz I got no monies to do so).. I'm mad because she CAN.. perhaps, actually, jealous is a better word than mad... because I understand. As twisted and backwards as her logic is in a lot of places.. self preservation is pretty smart technically.. and dropping all of this does mean less stress for her which is important to life...

*sigh*... I think I will need to ask for help soon... I'm the thinker.. and I am struggling to think my way through this.

I'm struggling to find a way to remain or even BECOME independent like I want to be... ESPECIALLY Because of these bugs... If we could just move.. if there were no bed bugs. If the only obstacle was getting a place we could afford and moving Into that place.. we could do it... But losing near everything in order to do it... To have to rebuild so much.... (Beds.. heck FURNITURE is expensive)... I don't think we can do that.. not alone.

Not that, hey, a table is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.. nor are chairs (posture can be worked on and upheld without those)... Nor are many pillows and blankets. One should do a person each... In Montana Winters it can get difficult.. but it's easily possible to sleep in sweaters and layers and stuff... Keep your head propped up carefully and it may be possible to avoid getting colds and back aches from sleeping on the floor too. And cats.. well they do need perches.. that bit IS important.. but they will gladly curl up next to you and in clothes to keep warm

Maybe I am overthinking... Maybe it's a GOOD thing to get rid of pretty much everything... I mean.. we don't NEED all of it... It's just nice.. don't need a dresser or books or a lot of clothes or a bed, really... We're human. We're animals... We're the only ones who have 'need' of these comforts and convieniences I'm so sad to lose... A nest is nice, but shelter is more important.. as is food.

Maybe... Maybe I can track down a 1 bedroom place we can afford instead of looking for a 2 bedroom and getting pegged with double the ridiculous prices... I mean.. without having living room stuff... The living room is just a room, right? It's technically my bedroom right now even... any kept TVs and electronics don't need to be off the floor if they're not plugged in...

... why am I freaking out exactly?

Well I certainly don't want to track in any bedbugs to a new place... That is valid... But the rest of it.. the rest of it does seem rather silly. I don't need to keep nearly as much as I want to. ... I suppose my biggest challenge now may be is working with Tevie to see this and be okay with it too...

Yay 3am second-wind ^^

#personal #random #ignore me #life in general #negative #bedbugs #bed bugs #no like being all itchy #but what ca ya do?#so tired...#but ive beem stressing a lot lately #and cut myself off from talking about it so i dont upset Tevie #but knowing my dad is always here for me.. it has been helping so much #realizing id be okay without anything i couldn't carry if i had to move in #with him... has helped me realize im probably being silly about my stuff #no one wants our porcelain dolls.. so i moght just throw all mine away tomorrow #as a start... it would be safer anyway because their boxes coild have buggies #in there or an egg stuck to them we can't see.#I'm certainly not putting those boxes into a freezer #they're too cumbersome #my grandmother is going to be PISSED.. but maybe she'll understand #our circumstances... or at least my mental state #maybe...

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