Thank you mom for telling me at age 23 that it is inappropriate to wear my tank top to hang out with a guy friend.
Yes I know my boobs are inappropriate is almost everything but a shirt 2 sizes to big.
Thank you for projecting your own unhappiness with your body onto me.
Now please excuse me while I go pay homage to the suffragettes by ￼￼eat ice cream in a￼￼ tank top in front of a man.
my beloved 97 year old grandmother is finally starting to forget who i am 💔
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the inherent awkwardness of a father attempting to facilitate a bonding moment with his no longer living under his roof relationship on tentative terms kid
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You guys told me I'm ruining the family with my mental health issues. The effect of my mental health dictating my every behavior, making me act the way I truly felt at home. The effects of your abuse so visible to the eye. And you guys deny it. Say I'm a totally different person, that I'm not like this, that you don't understand what is wrong with me. Perhaps some self reflection could fucking help don't you think?
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I had a dream about Doyoung last night. It was really soft and sweet. We went on a bike ride and he surprised me with a picnic in the park. Later after we ate we went home and to my shock Johnny and Renjun where there watching our kids. Doyoung put the kids to bed then we just sat in bed drinking whine and talking about life.
That sounds like a really amazing dream!!
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nobody really understands me and it hurts so bad to feel like an outsider
got myself a stationary bike. my brother and I put it together last night. in 2 days I've ridden 22 miles. and I actually kinda like it?!?!?
I've been trying not to consider it. Since I legit don't really have "anyone" except the person I'm in a relationship with here but I think soon I may have to cut ties with my family. The toxicity, judging and memories of former abuse is just too much plus I can never seem to able to please them (even though I'm not obligated too). I feel so done lately with my life and I don't need people digging the knife deeper.
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You want to hit our little sister for talking back at you? Should I try it on you that way? You say you will "hit me back"? That you'll "gouge my eyes out"? Honey you've been reading too much.
You get mad when our youngest sister talks back at you and you "will slap her" but doesnt that seem familiar to you at all? Doesn't it make you think of the worse ways you've done it to me and I tolerated it? I used to have less control when I was younger, on rare occasions I actually did slap you and grab you by the throat but I regretted and apologized immediately after. I want to do the same to you even now when you cross boundaries I clearly put down and I'm ashamed of it at times because of the urges. I didn't think I'd still have it in me after all these years. But it seems the repetition of events snaps at me and reminds me of how I was able to reprimand you. But I don't do it anymore. Because I know that I'll be the same as our parents. Because if I do and say anything hurtful, I'll be the same as you guys. And I haven't learned to control my anger all these years to end up like you.
Vampire Kanon and vampire Hagumi's dynamic after they learn that the other is also a vampire is funny to me because it's just Kanon talking abt some basic vampire shit in this world and Hagumi just internally going wtfwtfwtfwtf since she didn't know abt ANY of this shit
I still don’t have a computer but to ease back in to making graphics I might try and do up some things for Indigenous history month, which is half-over but hush. This means more posts on Canadian history and for my Terror friends/followers I do want to do a post or two on HBC trading and the Cree up north. Would anyone be interested? Or I could answer questions people have about anything, too; I actually am First Nations beyond just being a historian so I’m lucky in that I can approach issues from multiple perspectives.
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We fought abt something stupid. Me and my sister. The sister who'd treated me like shit quite often as we grew up. And we....are close. We have our good moments. Maybe this has become a normal sibling dynamic. Maybe. Because while her anger issues are...more controlled it's still fucking shit it seems. Because a few days ago the bich crossed lines I kept trying to set down again during the fight. She wouldn't let me. She....I'm her older sister and I don't use the age card like ever or misuse it but the fucking disrespect...and she was proud of it. As if she was standing up for herself. And in some way perhaps she was. Over a misunderstanding. But even after the misunderstanding was understood, she belittled me. The tone, the facial expression, the body fucking language. I wanted to break her.
It must sound so wrong hearing this. I know it was my bottled anger. All that I rein in every single fucking time we fight just resurfaces. And I'm...I wish... How do I share my thoughts without having others berate me for it? How do I explain myself before everyone just assumes and comes at me? Yes I want to remove myself of toxic thoughts and groomed thought processes but I need to let it out somewhere! It's eating me from inside. It's eating me with blunt, split rotten teeth and I feel every bit of bone grinding my flesh into little threads that barely hold together.
What can I even say???
i had so much anxiety lost night i got no sleep cause im going to see family i havent seen in five years lol i want to stay home but if i dont go i’ll look bad for not going cause i never go to family things i did this to myself i guess
It keeps happening. The same fucking argument. About the same fucking thing and nothing changes for shit. This whole cycle so fucking tiresome I want to beat it out of its shape so much it hurts. The amount of control I have....it's fucking phenomenal. It amazes me even that I manage to still rein myself in. And too often I question why tf do I do it? Why? Why can't I just explode and really ruin everything like they say I do when I'm more docile and depressed? I wonder what they'll say if they see my anger. What would I seem like to them then? It's kind of amusing to think about. And so so so tempting.
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My younger sibling is a spoiled brat!
I'm throwing good vibes and support at you. Family members sometimes hurt the most since they're so close. And many times it has nothing to do with us - only with their careless ignorance and egotistic perception. But they're family and just people like the rest of us. Can't change them all at once, right?.. Please, take care of yourself. I wish i could help you somehow but i'm just a random dude from internet 🙋♀️ here's a little buddy for you
My dear, lovely Internet dude;
Kind words mean more than you can know.
Being neurodivergent in a family that looks down on mental healthcare has always made things difficult, and though my husband is incredibly supportive, he and I both suffer physical chronic illnesses as well so sometimes it’s not possible to have him beside me during the rough patches.
Family is family, but at some point I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that - if not for blood - my sister and I would have no reason to ever interact on any level. Alas, it cannot be avoided.
Thank you for your vibes, my darling. And here are some for you ❤️
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remind me again why i thought facebook was a good idea
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All passive aggressive dads make you wanna crawl out of your skin within seconds of them making such p.a comments because they pose such a threat to your safety and sanity being a cis het man and as a woman i just hate it so so much like everything will be going fine and then boom here's some trauma. It stays on your mind and you know they deliberately wanna be rude. Like they want you to know you made them mad so they will casually drop just the shittiest comment that can't even be termed as problematic because of its p.a nature. The passive aggressiveness is so shitty and scary dude. I feel threatened but there's nothing to be done it's 'just how they are' smh. I'm 21 ffs don't i have enough trauma to deal with because of him since my teen years?