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zoeykallus · 11 months

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Hey there! I was wondering if you could write about a female reader, traveling with the batch. She suffers from anxiety and depression, coming in phases. There are good and bad days, but she manages to keep it to herself, until she has a really terrible one. And she has feelings for Tech and the other way around, but they haven't addressed it yet, and he is the one realizing something is off with her, trying to comfort her. Some Angst/Fluff stuff... Please? ❤

Hm, this one hits home. Ouch. Sure I can, I actually love the opportunity to comfort myself while writing, especially with Tech 😋😅

Let me see what I can do for us you 😊

Tech x Fem!Reader - The Lowest Low

Warnings: Angst/Mention Of Anxiety/Mention And Description Of Depression Symptoms/Panic Attack/Comfort/Fluff/Soft, Shy, Gentle Tech

____________

Until now, you have always been able to hide it, but suddenly the deepest low in a long time hits you, and you can't hide it anymore. Tech tries to understand what's going on with you.

_____________

So far you have always been able to prevent it, to hide it, even from Hunter. You always withdrew in time when the bad episodes came, you have learned to act by now, to pretend that everything is wonderful, while inside you feel panic, fear, and a deep inexplicable, lonely sadness.

But this one episode is particularly horrible. You blew the last job, a panic attack overtook you, threw you off track, and forced you to retreat. Much to the surprise of the guys, who looked after you in complete bewilderment as you simply cleared the field. This time, none of your breathing exercises or mental retreats helped.

Your back is tense, your muscles tight as if expecting to take a punch at any moment. Your fingers stiffen, a feeling of pressure on your chest, one uncomfortable goose bump after another chases across your body.

A lump forms in your throat and a slaying wave of sadness washes over you. This helpless feeling is awful, you feel guilty of just ditching the guys, on such a simple mission. Nothing special happened, not that you can remember, no specific trigger.

You feel burning pressure behind the bridge of your nose and eyes, tears held back. Your cramped fingers cling to the collar of your shirt as if expecting to be strangled by the fabric at any moment.

The air you breathe is like lead, heavy on your body and hard to get into your lungs. You feel dizzy. An all-encompassing fear has you in its grip, the feeling of being helplessly exposed to everything around you is overpowering. You want to scream, but it seems there isn't even enough air to breath.

You are trembling, your breathing is irregular and heavy. You have retreated to a quiet corner, somewhere behind the landing pad of the Marauder. You are so preoccupied with your condition that you don't hear someone approaching.

Startled, you look up, your heart almost stopping as you hear Tech say your name.

He's standing there, for the first time in a long time not holding the datapad, his helmet tucked under his right arm.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you not feeling well? You're pale and look tense, almost panicked."

You feel a single tear run down your face, then a second, but your expression is strangely blank, you feel it yourself.

Tech is looking at you, obviously trying to understand what's going on with you, to make sense of your behavior.

You never wanted anyone to see you like this, especially not Tech. But you sense that the cat is out of the bag, and any white lie would only make him feel like you don't trust him.

"No, Tech," you say softly, "I'm not feeling well."

He blinks, standing there indecisively for a moment. He glances over his shoulder as if to make sure the two of you are really alone. Finally, he looks at you again and asks, "May I come closer?"

You manage to smile at him and nod.

"Of course, I always like having you near me".

A small smile twitches at the corners of his mouth, then he moves closer and sits next to you with some courtesy distance, his long legs bent. Tech sets his helmet down on the ground beside him and looks at you.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

You sigh softly and say, "I don't see how. That's something I don't want to burden you with."

He frowns thoughtfully and says, "It's not a burden. All I see is a person I care about suffering, and I want to counteract that. You said you like having me around, the feeling is mutual. Maybe I can help you in some way with my presence?"

You smile, feeling touched by how cautiously Tech approaches the matter, although he usually wants to go straight to the point.

You swallow nervously, smile cautiously, and ask him, "Would you mind holding my hand?"

Tech blinks in surprise, he seems a little shy, but he moves a little closer and gently grips your hand with his, closing your fingers with gentle pressure.

He thinks for a while, then says thoughtfully, "You need contact, with something or someone that will give you security, peace, safety, an anchor that will ground you, so you can get out of this slump you seem to be in."

You nod and breathe a sigh of relief, the pressure on your chest slowly easing. You block out the irrationally felt fear, feeling less exposed.

"That's why I asked you to hold my hand," you say softly.

Tech tightens his shoulders, sits up a little straighter and smiles, a very gentle, shy, but sincere smile.

"I'm honored," he says, squeezing your hand a tiny bit tighter to emphasize his presence at your side.

You slowly take a few deeper breaths, a few more tears running down your cheeks.

"Isn't it getting better?" he asks, concerned.

Your smile widens a bit, though tears are still streaming down your face.

"Oh yes it is, that's the relief, Tech. That… Tension I've been feeling has been exceedingly intense, all consuming. When it subsides, it's so relieving that I cry sometimes."

He blinks, thinking about what you said, trying to understand.

"It must be scary to feel that intensely," he says thoughtfully.

You nod in agreement.

"Yes, very much so. But there are sometimes very special bright spots that I would never want to miss"

Surprised, he looks at you.

"Such as?"

You feel warmth rise in your tear-stained cheeks as you say, "What I feel for you is intense, too. The joy of your presence or your attention. The peace and security you radiate to me. The incredible affection I feel when I see you smile."

Tech blinks several times in a row, as if he needs to reload his system. His ears turn red, and he looks shyly away to the side.

"Oh," he says softly.

You swallow, afraid you might scare him off, but he's still gently holding your hand, making no move to let you go.

You clear your throat carefully, wanting to say something else, but not daring to. After a while of quiet, Tech breaks the silence that has developed.

"You like me," he says softly, almost in a whisper, like a statement he can't quite grasp yet.

"Yes, indeed."

His eyes dart briefly in your direction with a quick smirk, then he glances shyly at his shoes again.

"Do you like me, too?" you ask softly.

His ears seem to get even redder.

"You could certainly put it that way, yes," he says with a nervous clearing of his throat.

His comm beeps and Hunter's voice is heard, "How's it looking? Is our girl okay?"

Tech glances at you briefly before answering, "She's doing better, but it's recommended to give her some more quiet time."

Hunter says understandingly, "Okay, take your time".

You realize that Hunter, of all of them, probably noticed the most when your low overtook you.

Tech barely noticeably moves a little closer, his thumb stroking your hand that he is still holding.

"Would you do me a favor?" he asks seriously.

"Of course."

He looks directly at you and says, "If you feel like this again, give me a sign, come to me. If it helps you, I always like to hold your hand. Maybe, long hugs will help too?"

Your heart really jumps out to him as you see the gentle expression on his face.

"I'd love to, Tech."

After a brief pause, he asks, "How are you feeling now?"

"Much better."

He raises his brows and asks, "Are you sure? Maybe we should try a hug just to test if it works"

You smile, having to suppress a grin.

"Now that you mention it, maybe we really should."

He moves closer, letting go of your hand. A bit over-cautious and awkward, he puts first one then the other arm around you. But as you lean against him, his embrace naturally adjusts to your posture.

"That's good," he says, "I mean, that should certainly help."

You grin contentedly to yourself, all at once very happy, at least for the moment.

"That's really very good, Tech"

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

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@antishadow2021

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ffb6c1lover · 5 months

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The Madrigals and Anxiety

so, I think it's not a controversial statement to say that anxiety runs in the family... what I find oddly cute is that a lot of nervous ticks or outbursts are very similar to those of other family members, but let's proceed with order.

Alma, Isabela

Alma had it hard. I think homegirl is the culprit, but she probably had an anxious gene in her before everything.

do we need to explain what her anxiety looks like? absolute perfectionism to the point of insanity so people won't turn on her, constantly making Bruno check the future for possible dangers, self-soothing behaviours (asking Pedro for help, wearing the mourning shawl), always needing to keep a watchful eye on everyone, you name it.

The perfectionism moved straight through to Isabela. There's a whole song about not meeting expectations, so I don't think I need to go fruther into it.

Pepa

Pepa is another obvious one. Her anxiety is palpable throughout most of the movie and it is, unlike her mum, mostly related to things that are not life-or-death situations (Antonio's party needing to be perfect).

She is constantly seen spiralling and using self-soothing rituals (hair touching, "clear skies"), often to no avail.

Her mood swings and irritability outbursts are also proof of anxiety.

Bruno

Before you come at me!! He clearly has OCD... It's in the script so it was meant like this. And I know people say he was just superstitious, but I come from a very superstitious culture and it's not like that 😭

I can prove it!!

Throwing salt. It is usually done after you have spilled it. Bruno had not spilled any salt before the throwing over the shoulder. It is an act that is meant to cancel bad luck from an extremely specific action that he had not done.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock on wood. You are supposed to knock twice, say it once, only after someone has said something good you don't wanna jinx or bad you wanna prevent. Bruno hasn't been talking to anyone in 10 years, it's just a ritual to him at this point OR it's a reaction to his own thoughts. Superstitious people don't do things based on their thoughts: that's OCD. Also the number of knocks and the one on the head is oddly specific and not related to any superstitious beliefs as far as I'm aware.

Fingers crossed. Again, you do that when you are hoping for something good, but nothing happened he might want to cross his fingers for, it's just another ritual. Also, all of these rituals are kind of contradicting each other (hoping for something/trying to prevent something), he's just trying to bring as much good luck as possible.

I'm not saying he is not superstitious, he very much is, but his superstition pathologized to the point of becoming an illness. This is not how someone who's simply superstitious acts.

He also has a generally nervous attitude and lots of self-soothing movements, like the rubbing his arm we'll get to later.

The only other explanation could be that he thinks he is the bad luck, but that still does not explain things like the crossed fingers.

Julieta, Camilo, Mirabel

They don't look like they struggle a lot with anxiety (I am only talking about the actual condition, not genuine worry that has a reason of being like Casita breaking or not receiving a gift). They are all very accustomed to dealing with anxious family members though and they are good at it.

Mirabel is probably the more anxious among the three, but she is also an incredible supporter for Toñito, who's not getting his own section simply because his fear was very much justified, but for a literal 5yo his anxiety shows great promise of becoming just like his mum's.

Honourable mention in this section goes to Félix and Agustìn, we stan some supportive husbands and fathers.

Luisa

My baby. The first time we see her as being relevant plot-wise is literally because her eye was twitching. Her character arc is learning to chill. I rest my case.

Dolores

Now, Dolores is a bit trickier, because she is not as loud as the rest of her family. She does always seem to be extremely on edge though and she is often doubting herself (she stopped believing someone was in the walls despite hearing Bruno for 10+ years because they told her it was not possible).

I don't know whether it's canon or if I've read too much fanfiction, but her room is supposed to have some degree of soundproofing, that she doesn't use because she needs to hear if her family needs help (Luisa's eye twitch).

Finally...

The similar twitches and anxious responses

The arm-rub of Luisa and Bruno (+ supportive sisters <3<3<3<3<3)

The hand movement while screaming, like mother like daughter

#encanto #I definitely think this has been done before but I was really spiraling yesterday due to my own anxiety and this helped <33 #mirabel madrigal #alma madrigal #pepa madrigal #bruno madrigal #julieta madrigal #dolores madrigal #isabela madrigal #luisa madrigal #camilo madrigal #antonio madrigal #tw anxiety

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hiddenhearthwitch · 2 months

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do u have any tips/advice on how to identify and separate intrusive thoughts vs anxiety vs coincidence vs ‘this a fucking sign from the gods PAY ATTENTION’ cause tbh i feel so alone and def fuckng insane :)

First of all sugs, you're not alone. 💚 I definitely struggle with intrusive thoughts and it can be a terrible struggle between a "sign" and "wow you're in a park of course you saw a bird". You're not insane, there's just a lot in the world and even inside yourself for one human brain to process. I'm going to try to break this up into intrusive thoughts + anxiety then into coincidence + signs because it feels easier to lay out that way. We'll talk magical and mundane ways to work through this. I'm sending you good vibes babes. 🤍✨

I constantly have to remind myself that thoughts are not facts and I shouldn’t believe everything I think.

Sometimes when I have an intrusive thought I visualize myself as this dope ass paladin and I literally fight my thoughts away? I just close my eyes and meditate and focus on being the strong person I want to be and slay my own dragons. Sometimes that’s too hard and I just picture All Might because he’s Best Dad, if you have a favorite character I would give it a shot.

Aromatherapy bracelets and necklaces can be super helpful as well. Medicinally speaking lavender, chamomile, and opium would be the most mentally easing. Magically speaking pine, oak, lavender, valerian root, and hawthorn are all great for stability/protection in my experience.

I personally carry around a sachet of onyx, rose quartz, lavender, pine, and oak.

You can minimize the damage of intrusive thoughts with self-help. This includes being mindful in the wake of an intrusive thought. Don’t waste your time obsessing over why you had that thought or what it all means. I’ve noticed once I learned to get past asking, “why am I thinking this?” all the time they don’t weigh as heavily on me. You are not your thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are kind of just like a really loud boombox to me. Usually, if I listen to music I can really get into I can quiet down the thoughts. For the past four months or so Nujabes has been amazing musician to turn too. This past month Modal Soul has been the album that helps the most. It usually takes me a full album to feel normal again and I feel albums give me more stability than a playlist but honestly do what’s best for you.

Compulsive behavior can manifest when you try to change who you are based on the intrusive thoughts you experience. Changing who you are and your reality because of a thought that isn’t necessarily rational is the worst way to go about it. Stop trying to change who you are so you can adjust to your thoughts. Try to think about yourself in a third person perspective, “what would (insert name here) do in this situation?” This might not work for everyone but it’s helped me out once I started noticing the patterns.

From a magical perspective I’ve noticed moonstone is the stone that helps me the most. However most of my intrusive thoughts are PTSD related and I feel like moonstone helps me because it’s also stabilizing and can help prevent dissociation. I do also really enjoy onyx, tigers eye, and rose quartz as well!

Learn to recognize the starting signs for your intrusive thoughts. When my intrusive thoughts begin, they usually start off pretty simple. It’s one thought that feeds into a bigger insecurity or fear. Once you can spot the first thought you can start fighting it.

On the focus of coincidence versus a sign:

If I'm unsure if it's a sign I ask myself why I'm looking for a sign or if my gods made it clear to me to look out for one. Am I in a turning point in my life? Do I know I need guidance? Did previous divination point towards a sign coming my way?

Sometimes coincidence is the sign. If you're trying to decide if you want a purple or green wedding fit and you're driving down the road and see a shit ton of purple cars. I would call that a sign. If it's something you're actively thinking about and then it's glaringly in your face - I read that as a sign.

I've personally asked my gods to send me a sign three times if they're trying to tell me something. So that way I know.

I also take into account where I am. For example: I tend to read falcons and hawks as a sign or general greeting from Freyja. I live five miles from a national park though - hawks are every where, if I'm looking I can pretty much always find one or two on the way to or from work. Not really a sign if it's just local ecosystem at play.

That being said - they can still be signs. It's one thing if a bird of pray is just sitting on a lamp post. It's another to see it sitting on my car or catching a snake right outside my window. Common things aren't always signs - it can just be the mundane. That's when it's important to think about how it appeared and how it made you feel. Intuition is a powerful tool.

Ask yourself how you're feeling. I know this is probably a typical response but I know I personally read into everything when I'm anxious. I will catastrophize. Anything and everything becomes a sign of impending doom, fear of failure, etc. It's important to be aware of your inner dialogue and feelings when looking for signs.

If divination is a strong suit for you, consider using your divination tools as a way to verify if something was or was not a sign.

This is 100% personal belief but if a deity comes to me in a dream I will always read it as a sign. My dreams with gods are far and few between but relationships with them run very deep.

I'm not sure if any of this really helped or made sense but I hope it did. Good luck on your endeavors friend. 💐

#asks #answered #witchblr #beginner witch #witch tips #witch community #beginner pagan

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copperbadge · 1 year

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Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.

Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.

Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.

SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.

It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.

The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.

The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them).

Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication.

RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.

So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date.

It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work.

And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things.

Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more.

#sam has adhd

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sunarots · 1 year

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hate you?

koushi isn't really sure on what it is that daichi and asahi are talking about because his eyes are fixed on you on the other side of the room. he's wondering what it is you're talking to kiyoko about, what kiyoko could possibly be saying to have you laughing as hard as you are. but he's not mad about it in the slightest. in fact, his heart is stuttering even though he can't hear you over the blaring music, because the smile on your face has him swooning much too hard to be able to hear anything over the beating over his own heart.

he's pretending to listen to the conversation between his friends and nods his head to whatever daichi says, but he's forced to finally divert his attention when there's an arm around his neck urging him to his feet. koushi looks at asahi in surprise and before he knows it his feet are moving in time with his friend's right towards

you.

and even though he's held plenty of conversations with you over the years of high school, it's nothing new, but now that he's seeing you so close to graduation and he may not see you again for a long time? it's terrifying. fear bubbles in his stomach when he stands in front of you and kiyoko with asahi and daichi on either side of him to prevent him from running, and it's only now ringing in his mind what it was daichi could have said, and they all involve something that makes him wish he had shaken his head instead.

you smile at him with a greeting and his head whirls at a million miles a minute because your smile is the most magical thing he's seen in his life. he smiles back at you and he knows it's nothing compared to yours, not with the way your eyes still seem to sparkle even under the led lights of the party.

your lips move and you ask a question that he doesn't hear. koushi clears his throat and apologises, asking you to repeat yourself.

you smile again and he has to will himself to listen to what it is you actually say. "do you want to get some air?"

and he does, he really does. because even when he's trying to pay attention he can barely hear your voice and it makes him sad because oh, he really likes your voice.

you follow him outside and there's very little people and the music is distant and he can see just how perfect you look under the moonlight and how lucky he is to stand here with you. but there's anxiety in your aura and he so desperately wants to rid you of it because why should you be anxious? it's just you two, and he could never find himself judging you.

and then you ask another question that makes his heart drop. "do you hate me?"

because those four words are horrifying for him to hear. hate you? how could he hate you? sugawara koushi adores you. his expression softens and he shakes his head slightly, a breath escaping past your lips at his gentle denial.

"because it seems a little like you hate me. you barely talk to me unless you're with daichi or asahi or i'm with kiyoko. i feel like you hate me and i don't want to leave karasuno without knowing what i did to make you hate me."

you hadn't been paying attention with your focus on getting across your point, but he's taken step after step towards you so he can finally look at you up close and he smiles.

you stop when he smiles at you because why should he be smiling when you're talking about him hating you?

"i could never hate you," he says, keeping his hands firm by his sides. "everything about you..." he takes in a sharp breath and considers stopping, but he can't let you think he hates you. "you're everything that i want."

those five words have you standing staring in surprise because you never would have thought koushi sugawara liked you. not when he can't look at you and he won't come near you unless there's a third person in the vicinity but the way his hands are on your cheeks and he's leaning in with hesitance- no, he can't hate you.

koushi sugawara can't hate you if his he's holding your face in his hands like he's scared you're going to break. no, he could never hate you when he's kissing you so softly, like he's trying to savour every moment. he couldn't hate you when he pulls away with nothing but care and warmth in his eyes.

"hate you?" he whispers, voice carried away into the night by the music. "i love you."

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x gender neutral reader #hq x reader #hq x you #hq x y/n #hq x gn!reader #sugawara x you #sugawara x reader #sugawara x y/n #sugawara koushi x reader #sugawara koushi x you #sugawara koushi x y/n #hq suga #hq sugawara #hq fluff #haikyuu fluff #sugawara fluff

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justalittlesolarpunk · 4 months

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Hi there! I'm writing this in hopes that you'll have some advice. Lately I've been struggling a lot with concern for climate change. Mainly because I fear that I won't have a future, that when I'm older I'll live in a planet where you can't even go out because of the heat and everything is completely destroyed. And it's been affecting my day-to-day life. And no matter how much I try to avoid bad news they'll show up to me and I relapse into the anxiety and lose all the progress I made.

The bad news and the things that are happening (for example this thing going around of flowers growing in cold places, the one that probably worries me the most) make me feel like maybe the good things won't be enough and I won't have a future, no matter how much I hope. All I want is to be certain I'll have a life and things will get better

Do you have any advice to stop feeling this way? Thank you in advance!

Hi there. So firstly, thanks for reaching out. Anxiety can make us want to isolate ourselves and so you’ve taken a brave first step in seeking connection. I felt like you feel for a long time, and still do sometimes. It can feel like the change is so huge, so rapid, so irreversible, and human responses so weak, so slow, so apathetic. But I’m here to tell you that however reasonable being frightened is, it doesn’t have to be the end of the journey. Grief and fear are a good start for your environmental affect, because it means you’re keyed in and you care. But stopping there will only paralyse you.

I know the good things feel small, which is why it’s important to bombard yourself with them so you get a sense of just how much momentum we are building in the movement right now. I regularly check out Positive News and the Good News Network, and follow Sam Bentley and lots of ‘weekly earth win’ type accounts. When you see how much plastic people are clearing out of the ocean, how much solar and wind prices have come down, how Paris is now full of cyclists and London’s deaths from air pollution are reducing, how Europe is slowly rewilding and land is being returned to indigenous people, you realise that quietly, determinedly, good is happening in the background. And you aren’t always not seeing it just because it’s smaller or less important - bear in mind that the media sells on engagement, so attention-grabbing disasters will always hit front page news. It’s hard to quantify people who are alive who wouldn’t otherwise be, oil in the ground because people stopped a pipeline. Justice is often less hypervisible and sudden than injustice.

For me personally, taking action and spending time with others who are doing the same is the single biggest thing that cured a lot of my anxiety. Depending on your age, income, profession and health, I would recommend doing whatever is accessible to you of eating as much plant-based food as possible, reducing your use of aeroplanes and cars to as close to zero as is reasonable, making sure your stove, heating and hot water is being powered by electricity, switching to a renewable tariff, attending regular activist meetings and the protests and public debates these will lead you into, buying fewer clothes, single-use plastic items and other non-essentials, lobbying for change at your workplace, your university or your school, and bringing the subject up as often as you can with friends and family, so discussing climate change becomes more of a cultural norm. (I always find with these conversations though that scaring people is deeply counterintuitive and encourages them to get angry with you and bury their heads deeper in the sand. Why not start a conversation about how much healthier you feel when you eat lentils, or how transnational rail is making a comeback, or how exciting it is what they can do with solar and battery storage these days, or the amazing flood prevention benefits of reintroducing beavers?) I saw a tweet once that said ‘I bet 80% of your climate anxiety will disappear if you work full time on climate.’ Now I don’t work in that sphere yet, but I’m currently retraining, and I have to say a lot of my anxiety has quietened knowing that I am doing all I can and will continue to do so for the rest of my working life. And don’t feel like your skills or educational/professional background hold you back either: solving this crisis isn’t just for scientists and can’t be left to only one sector of society. I was an English Lit grad - now I’m hoping to work in campaigning, comms or social policy to make positive change for the better around climate. If it’s possible for you, I’d recommend starting to consider entering the green sector full time. Just watch out for corporate greenwash!

I know that changing your individual lifestyle isn’t going to save the planet, but it might just save you. Once you feel you have done everything you can in your personal life, it might embolden you to show up in activist spaces, to connect with other people who care, and to remember that as terrifying and agonising as the changes we are causing and witnessing are, there is always still hope, and it is easy to create and nurture that hope if you only keep hold of the right narratives and connect with the right people.

I’ve answered some similar asks on this sort of topic, so I’d recommend scrolling back through my blog and reading them, and also following as many solarpunks as you can across all of social media. Solarpunk Presents podcast does a good job of drawing your attention to the good stuff already happening now. Stay safe, take care of yourself and remember you have so much to offer. We were all born at the most pivotal time in human history. That is a burden, but it’s also a gift. We can have the most impactful and meaningful lives to date, and I think we will. But the fight has to start now, and that means we have to be ready for it. You can’t strive for a better tomorrow if you can’t imagine it, so take some time to look after you and really douse yourself in hope and optimism - it’s out there waiting to be found, if you only look in the right places.

#solarpunk #hopepunk #cottagepunk #tidalpunk #lunarpunk #turbinepunk #environmentalism #social justice #community #optimism #bright future #climate justice

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iamvegorott · 5 months

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Meeting A Magical Man Pt. 44

Part 1: Link Prev: Link Next: Link

“Again, with an audience and a larger one this time.” Dark stated flatly, seeing everyone arrive in the training room. “Anti, watch Chase. Wilford handle Mare, and JJ take care of Marvin. Madrick, come here.” He gave orders like it was second nature and beckoned Mad to him with a finger. Mad made a face, and he looked at Mare, anxiety, and fear thick in his eyes. Marvin knew that feeling of not wanting to do something but not having a choice because you know your life is at risk if you refuse. “Madrick. Now.”

“It’s okay,” Mare whispered, and Mad nodded before walking over to Dark.

“Do you have your contract?” Dark asked.

“Yeah.” Mad reached into his back pocket and pulled out the folded contract. “Here.”

“Hm.” Dark hummed when he took the paper, unfolding it and face hardening at what he saw. “What is this?”

“Adjustments to wording and crossing out of things beyond my morals,” Mad answered.

“You changed my contract?” Dark gripped the paper and crinkled it in his hand.

“That’s what you do with one as you work through negotiations.” Mad’s voice was clear that he saw nothing wrong with what he’d done.

“That’s not how this works, Madrick.” Dark took a step forward, and Mad took one back. “You do not change anything. You have no say in what I put in my contracts.” There was a shift in the air as Dark’s anger started to swell. “You do what I say. You do not question it.” Mad’s back hit a wall, and he looked up at Dark as the other man used his height to his advantage and towered over him. “You are my apprentice.”

“No,” Mad said softly, his face beginning to harden as if he caught Dark’s anger. “You are not my mentor. You can rot and-”

Smack.

“Mad!” Mare tried to rush over after Dark slapped Mad across the face, but Wilford caught him, and JJ did the same to Marvin. Anti held an arm out, warning Chase not to even try.

“I’ve dealt with stubbornness before. I’ve dealt with sass and insults. Your mouth is not the problem. You are a danger to yourself and everyone you could ever care about. I am your only chance at not dying or killing everyone around you. You ran from Actor. He’ll want you back, but only to kill you and prevent you from causing havoc.” Dark stated harshly. “I could save us all a lot of trouble and kill you myself.”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Mare raised a hand for a spell, but Wilford caught him again, twisting his arms and hands so he was trapped against him in a way that prevented him from being able to move his hands, preventing him from using magic. “Let me go! Let me go right now!” Mare demanded, trying to yank himself away and ignoring the pain that brought him.

“Mare!” Mad tried to take off, but a hand on his throat stopped him. His eyes widened as he got pressed against the wall, that hand squeezing just hard enough to make it hard to breathe.

“You need to stop pushing your luck, Madrick.”

“Actor…was your…mentor.” Mad gasped, trying to get as much air as possible in his lungs to speak. “You’re just…like him.” He added his explanation before his hands went to Dark’s wrist, air now fully cut off.

“Shut up, now,” Dark growled his warning. “I’ve allowed you too much grace. I’ve bent my own rules and regulations and allowed you more freedom than I should have. I should have kept you in here from the beginning.”

“Dark! Stop it!” Marvin got out before he got kicked to the ground by JJ, quickly grabbing his hands and pinning them to his upper back as a knee pressed against the center of it.

“Sorry.” JJ’s voice said in Marvin’s head.

“Dude! You’re hurting him!” Chase shouted and wished he could go over to help, but the grip Anti had on his shoulder told him if he moved, he’d get knocked down as well. “Wilford, tell him to stop!” He tried pleading with his old friend. “Wilford, please! You know this isn’t right!”

“Anti. Send Chase out of here.” Dark ordered.

“What? But-”

“Now.”

“Fine.” Anti grabbed Chase’s arm, and in a blink, they were in the hallway. “Fucking, idiot!” He cursed and let Chase go. “He’s being so stupid!”

“Is he going to kill Mad?” Chase looked at the door, hearing the shouts muffled behind it.

“He better not. Or I’m kicking his ass.” Anti huffed. “He’s acting like a feral dog trapped in a corner, and I hate it when he does that!” He raised his voice despite knowing he wouldn’t be heard over the chaos inside the room. “Maybe Wilford will tell him to stop. He doesn’t like seeing others getting hurt. He hates seeing Dark like that more than I do. Man’s known him his whole life. He knows what happened to Marvin, but his job is to do what he’s told. To be the muscle…he’s supposed to be the softer voice, but Dark doesn’t always listen. He never listens, no matter how much it’s screamed at him if it’s a matter of his damned pride. His pride makes everything so hard.” Anti rubbed at his face as he rambled, speaking as if he forgot Chase was even there.

Chase waited and watched as Anti seemed to sink into himself. His shoulders slumped as he scrubbed at his eyes, looking as if he was resisting the urge to cry. He sounded so hurt and tired. Like he wanted to scream more. Like he wanted to get back in there and stop Dark, help him from going too far. Chase couldn’t help but think of how Anti acted around Dark to be somewhat similar to how Marvin was…

Chase knew what he had to do.

What to do to stop all of this.

To save the others.

To get them all back home and away from all of this.

He kept his eyes on Anti’s back, making sure he wasn’t about to face him as he slowly reached a hand behind his own. Chase felt his heart start beating faster, stomach feeling heavier as he took the handle of the gun he had tucked into his jeans.

The gun was a precaution he bought so many years ago. He bought it as a backup to protect his family.

And now he was using it to do so.

“I’m sorry, Anti,” Chase said, and as Anti turned to him, he slammed the butt of the gun against his head, knocking him down.

----------

Tags: @brokentimewatch @bookwormscififan @d-structive @rainymae523 @ashtonisvibing

#meeting a magical man #trickshot #veggie writes

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alostlittleriverlotus · 11 months

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sitting here saying I am in incredible pain, saying the pain I have every single day, while my mom patronizingly says "that's rough" or pats my knee sympathetically.

My dad jokingly says "you're too young to have problems" or "it only gets worse from here" or "welcome to being 65."

I am 21 years old. 3 years ago I demanded to see a doctor because my knee pain was making it difficult to walk. I have had pain since I was a child and it has only progressively gotten worse. My parents are in charge of getting me appointments (with my help since I'm over 18) because of my autism, overwhelm, mutism, and shutdown and severe anxiety and avoidance. They handle finances as I have about $10 and that's it and can't work.

Getting the patronizing "sorry you're in pain :(" when I have made it clear when the issues started years ago and got written off as annoying and complaining and it progressed to the point where I barely leave my bed or get up at all and I try my best to do things to ease the pain pisses me off.

I demanded to see a doctor. My mother said she would. She didn't. And now getting these jokes and patronizing stuff pisses me off. You are literally metaphorically spitting in my face. My knee and back issues have only gotten worse to where I struggle to even do the bare minimum of myself.

And I am mad. Because it NEVER had to get this bad. And doctors now overlook my issues for my weight. I had bad blood pressure ONCE and it was immediately chopped up to my weight/exercise even though they know I have diagnosed anxiety and I was literally getting a vaccine that day, I have a fear of needles! Since then, no blood pressure issues cause I am blessed with perfect blood pressure apparently.

I just. Am so fucking mad. And over these past 3 years? I have seen my parents work hard to be healthy, go to the gym, get medical help for every tiny issue they have. While I am sitting here, just trying to eat right to keep my IBS from killing me and to prevent low blood sugar problems. It's apparently been my responsibility since I was like fucking 5 to make my pain known, but it only got written off. And even when I state clearly what I want and experience, it gets overlooked.

I can't wait to move in with one of my close loved ones cause they not only believe me, but they help me. Ray helped me get an OBGYN and without his help, I probably wouldn't be on birth control and have gotten diagnosed with PCOS. My friend who is literally my age is the reason I got diagnosed with PCOS and got help for it at all.

I just...am so fucking frustrated. Like actually fuck so many adults in my life. And stop blaming child me for not "letting you know." I was a child, it was my normal, I made it clear I was in pain and you didn't once think "maybe we should get this checked on."

When I move out, I'll be with people who believe me and can help me stand up for myself. I'm no good at facing doctors especially with my trauma and mental blocks and disorders. But I have hope. It's just living with the every day annoyances until then, the ones that make me just wanna scream or fight. I swear to god.

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nordleuchten · 11 months

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Since you made a post about Gorges attachment to his father and there relationship, I wanted to ask how his relationship with his mother was like?

I’m sure Adrienne loved her son and cared for him very deeply so much so as to make a hard decision to let him go all the way to America, but I think we never get to see his thoughts and(or) actions towards his mother.

Plus Adrienne died the day before his birthday, that’s something one is going to remember for the rest of his life. The only thing that I now of is that he cried the day after his mothers death, but I don’t know were I saw that… (if you know pleas tell me!)

Dear Anon,

that is a very fitting question, thank you for that.

Georges’ relationship with his mother was, in my understanding, different but not less affectionate than the relationship he had with his father. These differences are based on two main factors.

First, Adrienne died on Georges 28th birthday – and you are absolutely right, these events fundamentally changed the family’s perception of that day. While, with 28 years of age, Georges was not any longer a small child, he still was fairly young. Now without a mother, he could devote the next 26 years of his adult life to his father and his father alone. After her death, Adrienne was almost worshipped like a saint by her family, a sentiment that La Fayette championed and installed in his children. She was still as well their beloved mother, but La Fayette must have felt more “real” to Georges.

In his children he [La Fayette] cherished the memory of their mother, (Mademoiselle de Noailles,) whom he had loved most tenderly, and whose name he never mentioned but with visible emotion.

Jules Germain Cloquet, Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette, Baldwin and Cradock, London, 1835, p. 35.

Second, Georges could follow his father’s steps in a way that he could not do with his mother. La Fayette’s life was marked by a few very distinctive parameters like the military, his political opinions, and his relations to America. These were all things that Georges could relatively “easy” emulate. Adrienne’s life on the other hand was marked by more “vague” aspects such as religious piety, domestic virtuous and charity. That is not to say that Adrienne had no political opinions or the like or that Georges did not share his mother’s more private qualities – on the contrary. These were simply less measurable, less obvious.

La Fayette and Adrienne were uncommonly close involved in their children’s upbringing for a couple of their station and time. Adrienne especially thrived in her love for her children. There is a quote in Virginie’s writings about Adrienne that gives a clear picture of Adrienne’s affection for Georges and his devotion to her:

Twice only her [Adrienne’s] excitement became intense. It was then the wanderings of maternal love. One day George, to prevent her speaking too much, had, for several hours, kept away from her room. When he came in again, she evidently thought he had just returned from the army. The wildness of her joy on seeing him made her heart beat in a fearful manner. Another time she fell into an ecstasy of joy at the thought of an anniversary dear to our hearts, of the day when twenty-eight years before she had given me [La Fayette] George. That anniversary was the day of her death.

Mme de Lasteyrie, Life of Madame de Lafayette, L. Techener, London, 1872, pp. 413-414.

While both Adrienne and La Fayette loved all their children deeply and never discriminated based on their children’s sex, it probably was Adrienne who was the happiest that Georges was a son and not another daughter.

Adrienne was very anxious for Georges whenever he was away with the army, and I have always wondered if her anxiety may have played a small role in his decision to ultimately quit the military. Regardless, the times when he was on leave and at home with the rest of the growing family, were among the happiest of her life.

Several times during his life, most remarkably during the French Revolution, was Georges parted from his family. These partings were almost always (exceptions being travels and his time in the army) organized by Adrienne. It was not only her who send him to America, it was also her who arranged for him to be educated away from home.

My mother then made a painful sacrifice. She thought that my father’s constant occupations and that his high position might be prejudicial to her son’s education if he remained at home, by unavoidably diverting him from his studies and causing feelings of pride and vanity to arise in his heart. She hired therefore for M. Frestel and his pupil, then six years old, a small lodging, rue Saint Jacques, where she frequently visited them.

Mme de Lasteyrie, Life of Madame de Lafayette, L. Techener, London, 1872, p. 178.

These partings, in times of peace and in times of war, were always hard on Adrienne (and the rest of the family as well, Virginie wrote that the sisters had the “happy lot” of being able to remain with their mother) but she always did what she thought was best for Georges and her children in general.

As to the passage you read, that sadly does not ring any bells for me, but Georges probably cried an awful lot around this time. I can certainly have a look and see if I can find the passage for you, but I would need a few more information for that. Did you read that on the internet, in a book or a letter? Was it a primary or secondary source?

This answer feels a bit like all over the place and I apologize for that. In my head, I have a fully fleshed out picture of Adrienne’s and Georges’ relationship, but I had a hard time finding the right words to express this relationship. I hope this helped you nonetheless and I hope you have/had a great day!

#ask me anything #anon #adrienne de lafayette #adrienne de noailles #georges de la fayette #marquis de lafayette #la fayette #jules germain cloquet #virginie de lafayette #1807 #books #french history #american history #french revolution #history

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zinniajones · 1 year

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Partial description of Sep 2 2022 river incident (Oct 22)

(tw near-death experience, drowning, fear, life-threatening danger, anxiety, trauma)

(copied from Twitter thread on October 22 2022)

I hope I haven't been unclear about this on here, but the near death experience from almost drowning has actually been far more severely damaging to me emotionally than I've made it out to be. Like, however well I make it seem like I'm keeping it together, it has been hard

(I am not sure I seem like I'm keeping it together. Idk)

I mean it's been two months and I am completely useless over this

I have had traumatic things happen that, while not as apparently severe as this, did pull a lot of unexpected things into my long-term memory from the surroundings. Things like remembering every word of a poem because I once completely blanked on it in front of class in 9th grade

That comes to bear on this issue because the event itself was bookended by two and a half hours of kayaking, and *after it had happened and I almost died and saw that* I immediately had to get back in and kayak down the river for another two hours in the same conditions

So that may be part of why I'm frequently thinking about the properties of the river, frequently recalling an image right in front of my face of what it looks like to be looking down the river, aware that this river is a very frightening place, and aware that it represents death

We know that at that point of the river the water level had to be deeper than 6 feet because Heather's feet did not touch the riverbed as she was treading water

Also nobody else there cares about any of this and when we asked others on the mostly unmarked river how long it was until it reached the end, they repeatedly told us "oh you're just about halfway!" at points that were actually anywhere from 3 to 7 miles

Suggesting that even they could not narrow down something like the length of a river beyond the range of somewhere between 6-14 miles long. Competent

Reviews of the kayak rental vendor indicate several people had to pull over out of the river and exit due to impassable conditions. At least one person reported exiting via land. This map shows multiple routes of land exit available immediately before the incident occurred

At the time before the event, including before we got to this segment which offered multiple possibilities of exit on land, I said this might be necessary due to worsening conditions and I was told by everyone present that this was not possible

So this was entirely preventable, and I actually tried to prevent this happening several times before it did happen, and others around me made sure those conditions would remain unchanged, and then I almost died, and then they told me I still had to kayak the two hours out. Any one person could have stopped this from happening to me and they passed on several opportunities even once it became clear that this route was now challenging even to experienced kayakers

Why would you go kayaking when you don't know how to swim, Zinnia? You know what, before we even got halfway I began to understand this was a bad idea too, and I tried to leave, meaning I tried to stop myself and, belatedly, make the decision you would want me to ideally make

So the ones to point the finger at in that situation would be, oddly enough, everyone who's not me

I tried to stop dangerous conditions from happening to me. When I wasn't allowed to, I tried to stop us from running into anything. When I failed and hit a tree and fell out, I tried to stop myself from drowning despite not knowing how to swim. I succeeded where others failed me. That's not me being irresponsible and not knowing how to swim, that's me taking the responsibility of trying to manage around that issue in several different ways throughout the day and during the event itself even if I haven't figured out how to swim despite years of tutoring. Responsibility doesn't stop and end with me, it also doesn't stop and end with just making sure you can swim. It extends to a lot of people and a lot of decisions. I'm still struggling to understand how I'm supposed to be so at fault for what happened to me. I didn't want to die. Have you ever just not wanted to die? It's such an experience to feel it happening to you, to know everyone saw it happening, and see that everyone just does not care and expects you to keep going down that way when you could fall out in another 20 meters and die again

Here's the thing: Right after it had happened I assumed they would take me seriously about the issues I had raised due to what had just happened and me being fairly correct about it being a problem. I assumed they would now understand there was a hazard. Not so. Do you even know what that does to your trust in people? To your ability to believe that any person cares about you continuing to be alive at all? I'm still trying to analyze from every direction some infinitesimally thin slice of that river and an instant in time where something that's still largely incomprehensible happened to me at the edge of my own existence. Everyone else seems scarcely aware anything happened at all

Can you just get over it, Zinnia? So I'm working on a definitive account of the event and what I saw when it happens ("void NDE"), I'm continuing to document all of the relevant circumstances, I'm reading the experiences of others, I'm looking through pictures of the river all the time, I'm drinking

What exactly am I supposed to do? Just have that not have happened to me? I already tried to stop it from happening to me. Briefly, the "near death experience" I had was that when you die you go nowhere, it was not the ones with feelings of calm and traveling towards light, this was reality and you stop existing when your body is destroyed and I saw it about to happen to me

I've had to *look* for people who've seen this and understand this feeling and I have found them, but only on occasion, and so this isn't an experience of near-death extreme psychological shock that's relatable to most people - or even most people who've almost died

I have never felt more fundamentally alone as a conscious entity in the world than I have since September 2 because I know now that when your self and everything you are comes to an end, there is no one and nothing else there, you are always alone when it happens to you

I haven't found anything yet that does a thing to put a dent in that feeling. I was alone, and functionally, I am alone because it can happen at any time and when it does it's going to be of foremost concern to me, because others won't be the ones who are annihilated

I'm literally just a floating point-of-view in a *frightening* one-story-house of reality with nowhere to go up or down, and it's ready to close in on you from all sides almost faster than you can realize it's happening

So, I'm sorry, I'm somehow supposed to *not* be thinking about that constantly? My chief task is now to indefinitely find ways of living the rest of my life without that being front and center every day? I'm not sure there's a way to not be very aware of that, but because I'm not sure, I'm looking for ways to address this just to make sure I've done everything I can that could make this somehow manageable in terms of mental health and being able to function

It's been 51 days now where I wake up knowing this with certainty about how reality works, knowing for sure that human life is finite and there is not "maybe a chance" you get to persist in some other form, and I knew all of these facts before, but now I know it's still so scary

It's so bad in ways that can't be conveyed without it happening to you, it's just the worst thing I've ever felt to the point that I'm thinking about it constantly, and I don't have that happen about a *lot* of very bad and frightening things that had happened to me before

It's a knowledge I had, now reinforced knowledge through something having happened that was outside the normal experience of reality. The traditional words for this are faith, belief, or spiritual experience, but this wasn't a belief or an effort of faith. It was forced on me

It was a transcendent experience that transcended life and existence into nothingness. I only believe in the annihilation. The fact that I still get up after all of that and tell myself "Well okay. Go fight transphobes" is a testament to some kind of absurdism

If you see pictures of a place and it looks like this, and you go there, you could end up like me. I'm not just saying you don't want to die, I'm saying you don't want to end up like whatever I am now

Not only do you need to make sure you don't die for as long as possible, you need to make sure you don't even get into situations where you're facing imminent death but survive because awareness of death is itself a severe psychic hazard

What I'm trying to warn you about is that once you've seen it and know what happens, you know it's everywhere and you will never be able to forget it or what it feels like. And it feels like that everywhere

Representative photos from others of the river, this is roughly what it looks like on the day you have this experience

Some parts of this video are also accurate to the experience of drowning in a river https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM7nSuFrGZ0

#tw death #nde #void #void nde #tw drowning #near death experience #near death tw #Zinnia Jones #atheism #extremely strong atheism

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/28/23

Welp, sleep is still fucked. Got another 5 hours of sleep, more nightmares, about my family this time. Distance brings a clarity - both consciously and subconsciously - that... is haunting and upsetting, but helps put my life into perspective.

I'm sure this is actually a pretty common phenomenon I've encountered. Where you're raised in an unhealthy environment, but pretty much all of the people you end up around either have the same kind of family problems or "worse"? I don't know if that's the right way to put it. Like... there was this odd comfort... I guess sorta complacency... in that my family was "normal", or even "above par". And I would downplay, overlook and normalize so many extremely unhealthy behaviors since I saw those traits in other families as well. It makes me question whether I even... at a personal level... even found the ways I was treated "wrong" or "unfair". My memory doesn't really go back that far with clarity. Since I was branded the "rebel", I'm guessing I definitely did, and I likely made it very vocally clear that I did not approve of how things were being run. But that ended very quickly.

It just really depresses me, it takes the wind out of my sails. It makes the world around look so fucking dark. I see people yelling at dogs right in their face and scolding them for not doing anything wrong - which was a theme in the dream - and... children as well. I see people just being really... aggressive towards people they claim to appreciate and support, the second they don't get what they want. I see people using each other like objects constantly. I see zombie-like addicts everywhere. It overwhelms me, it makes it hard to look past.

Maybe I just keep looking in the wrong places, I guess. Or maybe when you walk into a room and there are 10 nice people and one gigantic tiger with blood dripping from its fangs, you... kinda remember the tiger and not the nice people. Unfortunately.

I keep getting distracted with tangential thoughts, I guess sleep deprivation is kinda fucking with me a bit. That hasn't happened since I used to get high and write. Speaking of... I'm thinking of taking my tincture tonight in a low dose to try to help with sleep. That said... the last time I got high before bed was with the tincture, and I woke up halfway through a sleep cycle and started freaking out because I was like... peaking. That's why I liked smoking, it lasts like half the duration, so if I don't get like... full sleep, I don't wake up and start freaking out because I'm still high. So... obviously I still have some hesitations. But for fuck's sake, it's literally the only thing I have and that shit was some of the best sleep I've ever gotten.

Anxiety. That's the big one. Depression is creeping up, yeah, it's there. But anxiety is fucking... it's getting me. And the big bad wolf, as I've said so many times... is the fear of Fear. The fear of Fear itself. I'm afraid that I'm going to get afraid and something bad is going to happen because of that. The extra layer is like an emotional feedback loop that stops me from even looking at what bad I think is going to happen. It's annoying as fuck. Like... sensation = fear, target of sensation = ...fear. Yep, confirmed that this is a bad thing, empirically accurate that this should be avoided. It's like a fucking cheat code for anxiety to get past my confirmation checks. And what big bad thing am I trying to prevent? Emotional distress, I guess? Reliving trauma? Waking nightmare kinda shit? That's about it. Like I'm not already going through that... XD

But my weed freakouts can really be that bad. They can really be that freaky. And I don't really have any viable tools for bringing myself out of them, and I have to ride them out alone, so... I ended up deciding not smoking while going through all the shit I'm going through was better than risking some horror movie-level freakout. My brain is really good at storytelling, I love stories, imagery, symbolism, stuff like that. That whole artist thing. When Phobos gets his hands on that steering wheel, it gets pretty fucking spooky pretty quick. I've had more than a few moments of feeling literal apocalyptic doom, both on a personal scale and a global scale. And that feeling... just gonna be brave enough to say... I'm not a fan, personally. Not my favorite way to spend a Tuesday morning at 8AM after 4 days of sleeping like shit.

I actually got to bed at a decent hour last night, and woke up... around 8. I journaled my dream (yay! <pats self on back>), noticed the light was... not afternoon light out my windows... tried to fall back asleep for a little bit but it just... wasn't really happening. So I just got up. After yoga and chilling for a bit, I ended up napping in the comfy chair for about 2 more hours, but I was still exhausted the rest of the day. So... skatepark got called off. BUT. I called the health center, and left a message with a receptionist for their supervisor for my doctor transfer, got the gears turning on that. I set up my power bill autopay. I learned how to edit the config files for the desire path mod and turned off the "path repair" function that I think was fucking up the path forming. I ordered a new mouse and keyboard because my mouse has been acting all fucky... that mouse is too damn small anyway and has been fucking up my right wrist for years now. And my keyboard is some cheap thing that came with a Dell PC back in like... I honestly don't know, it's so old that the keys and place where my right wrist touch the keyboard are glossy and smooth from erosion. At least 10 years old, I'd say. It was a good investment.

I washed my sheets and towels. I got groceries delivered. I took my recycling up to the second floor and took my trash out. I cooked a pizza. I did more desire path runs, up to 50 runs total now.

So even though it was a rough day and I was running on fumes, I got a ton done. And... I don't even feel good about it. Because I'm really depressed. -_-

My therapist said something really interesting, that I'm sure I've shared before, but it definitely bears repeating. All mental health disorders derive from a natural function that, when in order, is beneficial - anxiety, ocd, even schizotypal disorders and shit - but the one that serves no beneficial purpose from an evolutionary standpoint... is depression. Depression is just like you sucking the life out of yourself. It just beats you up, says cruel things to you and takes things away from you. Like a fucking schoolyard bully.

I want to treat myself. And... I did. I got ice cream, and snickers ice cream bars. I'm just...

Okay, I'm gonna level here. And I shared this with my sister-in-law and she like... kinda mocked me? A bit? Which was actually kinda rude and insensitive, but like... I guess she had a bad day at work or something, whatever. But I... have always had very good "metabolism". Whatever it was. Most likely trauma and stress and cigarettes and constantly tensing muscles and regularly unknowingly putting myself into ketosis through only eating one or two meals a day. A combination of all the above, most likely. But I've always been slender and somewhat toned. More on the underweight side, not a lot of muscle mass, but... yeah. Skinny. And now... ever since I got off meds and quit smoking? I've started to actually put on weight for the first time in my life, in my mid-30's. In my ass and my sides and stomach. (That's where my sister-in-law mocked me, like "oh boo hoo, some of us have struggled with that our entire lives..") And... I feel inept, honestly. It just completely blindsided me. Like the doctors weighed me when I was in the office a few months ago and I was just like... blown away at the number they said. I'm getting my core strength back which is good, but... to get back to the point of all this... for the first time in my life I'm actually trying to be very mindful of my diet. And my only real... vices... left are culinary vices. Sugar being the most vile of them all.

Let's be real here. When you look at it on paper, for someone who gets addicted to habits, but has no real problems breaking biophysical addictions (trust me, I've done my fair share of detoxing)... would it be worse or better for my indulgence of choice to be sugar rather than wine? In all honesty? I really don't know anymore. I just... struggle to drink without smokes to accompany it, honestly. Something about the really wet mouth-feel, and then the swaying buzz of smoking while drinking on a porch or a leaning against a wall or collapsing into a comfortable chair or something. That combination I really do miss. Drinking a cider and leaning against my handrail on my deck in the pitch dark at night, and smoking a cigarette and listening to the crickets chorus and the frogs croak. But it just doesn't hit the same without the smoke. And that... upsets me. Because... quitting smoking was one of my greatest uncelebrated accomplishments. It's been about a year and 4 months now.

So now, I have about 1/4 oz of weed that... if I smoke it... there's like a 65% chance I'm going to start spiraling into panic attacks. Alone, with no one to talk me down. I can get booze, but all booze does is make me want to smoke cigarettes. I can get cigarettes, but I smoked them for about 18 years and... I don't know, I think I feel better without them. And, given those choices? I've been going with fuckin ice cream, dogg. Chocolate chip cookies and chocolate milkshakes and vanilla sundaes and shit like that. In winter/early spring, my most difficult months, I have started to indulge in that regularly. But, if it makes it any better, by the time summer hits... I tend to be outdoors every single day exercising and lean towards eating much healthier.

So yeah, depression management has been tough. Video games are usually my go-to to scratch that itch, but... Valheim has been feeling a bit grindy. Minecraft is literally work, running back and forth, screenshotting, lining up screenshots, then tracing the paths... it's fucking work. Like, literally, it's an art project. Per Aspera... kinda took a backseat. It, too, got more grindy than fun, but I might revisit it. So... Session has come back out, and it scratched the itch a little bit today.

So, yeah... since I kicked some fuckin ass today, I'm going to get another ice cream bar, because fuck it. And I want to keep this sleep momentum, so I'm going to head to bed promptly. Fingers crossed for the skatepark tomorrow!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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lupically · 3 years

Text

#FFF8EA | XIAO.

genre | fluff

word count | 2233

warning | mention of falling off a moutain

note | i just have some ideas for xiao...

"the yaksha is fond of you."

madame ping was no stranger to you. the kind old lady roaming around yujing terrace, often seen admiring flowers or brewing a cup of hot tea, was someone you come across every afternoon after school when you head to the censor to make a wish to rex lapis.

the conversation you two have had always been brief, mainly because you were always in a hurry to get to work. she never minded your urgency, blissfully talking about how fast-paced and active young people these days are, and simply being happy that you even stopped to let her hand you some glazed lilies from time to time.

interestingly, though, she stopped giving you glazed lilies after a while and began handing you some pretty qingxin instead.

you never questioned it. it was just flowers. you could live without being gifted only one kind of them for the rest of your life. but after today's incident—after the burning down of your school located just outside the city, as well as what madame ping told you with hearty laughter laced in her voice, you were starting to think the switch to qingxin meant something.

"the yaksha is fond of you."

you tightened your hands around the weak strap of your school bag, made out of bamboo after lots of trials and errors, and you tilted your head with increasingly furrowing brows.

"pardon me, the what is fond of me?"

"the yaksha, my dear."

you stared at her. the corner of your lips was quirking up in confused twitches, and she could see that you were fiddling uncomfortably on your spot because you truly have no idea what she was talking about. it was not because of the history of the yaksha that might have made you feel jittery and out of place, you simply had no idea!

madame ping smiled even harder at your innocent oblivion then. how could you have such ample knowledge of rex lapis and the adepti, but nothing about the yaksha? especially the one with his mark, a jade green glow surrounding you like fireflies, all over your aura?

maybe that was why xiao chose you.

or, at least, it was one of the reasons why he liked you.

it was because you knew nothing of him. you never think about him, you never talk about him, and you would never suspect the string of random good luck and trails of safe travels that have been following you around.

while it must be tearing him down on the inside; the fact that he wasn't being able to approach the one person who made his good deeds a choice rather than an order. it must be plaguing his mind and patience every day.

but, even then, your surprising lack of information about his identity does save him the pressure of being chased down by you.

it saves him the problem of being even further attached to you. it was already pressing on his breaking point when he went out of his way to watch over you, leaving trails of his magic over your mortal soul to keep you safe when he was busy. any further interaction would be disastrous.

logically, he knew he would fall for you, so he was doing preventive measures. he has to keep his chest sealed so his heart wouldn't jump toward you involuntarily; he has to keep his chest sealed so you couldn't see all the mess inside.

"oh, sweet child," madame ping cooed as she walked toward you. she whispered to herself, "you're being protected by an adeptus and you don't even know."

she brought up a qingxin from her pocket, the petals slightly wrinkled from the confined space. she tucked it carefully in the pocket of your shirt before patting the bloomed flower, almost as if she was reminiscing.

"this is his flower," she said.

you hummed, looking down at it. "this is his favorite flower?"

"i'm not sure about his favorite flower, but this is his flower," she replied casually.

you pursed your lips together. well, at least now you knew the qingxin did have something to do with the... yaksha... or whatever.

"madame ping... may i ask–"

"you can find him at qingyun peak," she cut you off calmly. "during the lantern festival. he is always there during the festival. it was for the quiet, he said, that old man."

you shut your mouth, surprised that she knew what you wanted to ask. "uh... qingyun peak... is kind of... a big place..."

"you will find him if he wants to see you," she said. "you can speak his name–xiao. he might not show himself to you, but if you have something to say, he's likely there to listen."

qingyun peak. the lantern festival. the yaksha.

right.

that was how you found yourself bearing the freezing night cold with just a thin shirt and a ragged fabric wrapped and tied around your torso, your hands hurting from grabbing sharp edges and rough rocks, and your anxiety increasing with every jump that not only would the almond tofu in your bag fall, but you would as well.

as opposed to watching xinyan play for the lantern festival, being warm and cozy from the warm city lights and the tasty street food, and maybe even letting go of a lantern yourself after making a wish, you were here. you were alone, climbing mountains for a chance.

all for a random boy madame ping told you about! someone who was supposedly fond of you—if this xiao guy was so fond of you, he would have shown himself the first three times you called his name at the bottom of the mountain!

"fond of me–what a joke," you said through gritted teeth as you hoisted yourself up on a small ledge. "i'm going to kick his ass so hard when i find him."

you let yourself pant for a minute, regaining your stamina as you groggily accessed the higher peaks above you. your eyes squinted in dismay, but something inside you—the curiosity for the truth, as well as the longing for a friend, also the anger for playful revenge—urged you to keep going.

"he better eats the almond tofu i made," you muttered to yourself as you moved closer to the mountain. "i even picked some flowers... for him."

jump after jump, you were close to making it to the second ledge when suddenly, a slime jumped and appeared above you. it looked surprised, mirroring your expression, and as it prepared itself to attack you after seeing your hands move, it stopped when it saw you fumble about in the air before you began to fall further away from itself.

you had let yourself go. out of surprise, and an instinct to grab a weapon, your hands moved away from the edge and you fell.

your mind raced as the wind hit your face, your falling body heavy against the current that desperately tried to take you up from the ledge you just climbed up from. you would surely die from the impact if you drop. even without dropping down to the bottom, you would still suffer from a painful death.

was there something to do? how did this happen, you were doing fine! what should you do, what could you do? you were falling already—what was there to do now? anything, something?

"i–archons–" you heaved with the cold air, your lungs squeezing inside you with fear as tears began to drip out of your eyes.

anything? anybody?

xiao?

"you can speak his name. he might not show himself to you, but if you have something to say, he's likely there to listen."

"xi–" your voice broke for a millisecond when you could see the green grass approaching quickly. you squeezed your eyes shut, and your voice was louder than you have ever allowed it to be.

you called his name, loud and clear.

the first thing you felt was a lightning strike. you opened your eyes at the electric feeling to find a flash of green. it was bright, close and bright, in a way that was blinding. but then the tail broke into gentle fragments as a pair of arms circled your body to catch you from the fall.

one arm went around your waist, the other hand securely tightened itself around the back of your neck to keep it from breaking from the impact of his fast landing.

xiao growled under his breath when his feet struck the ground in a heavy blow. he pushed your head to his shoulder, shielding your face away from the soil that bounced upward as a result.

quietness ensued after a moment of calm. you took the moment to access the situation—you were fine. someone, likely xiao, saved you from the fall. you were fine.

he dropped onto the ground, sitting on the cold grass with your body pressed close to his, when he heard that you began to sob from the accident.

despite feeling awkward and unsure, he kept quiet and let you vent out the post-accident fear so you could slowly bring in the relief that you were still alive. but his quietness was unwelcomed when you suddenly curled your fist and hit him across the shoulder.

"screw you! why didn't you just answer me when i–when i was at the bottom of the moun–mountain! screw you!"

you blamed him and you hit his shoulder repeatedly. your weak fist was nothing compared to the pain he has endured in the past, but your cries cut through him like glass in the most seamless pattern when he realized he was part of the reason why you had to go through that traumatic experience.

if he had just jumped down from the peak when he heard you the first time, this would not have happened.

xiao looked at the empty spot before him. his golden eyes glowed with a softness that has long fallen into the abyss, forever gone and forever abandoned. but he brought it back out now because he cares about you, and he is, ultimately, attached to you, and he loves you.

"you're right," he said, holding you close to him. "i'm sorry."

ever since you discreetly left the almond tofu on the roof of the wangshu inn, your shy figure hunched over in an apologizing manner because you were told that you were giving food to an important, albeit weird, guest, and your blissfully ignorant words of encouragement as you told him to go out and explore the world, to give it a chance so he could find people he would like.

ever since then, he has loved you, in fragile and discreet ways, in unwavering and patient ways, in protective and caring ways.

"i love you, i'm sorry."

you stopped sobbing almost immediately, and he was afraid he might have said the wrong thing.

wasn't it what he was supposed to do? verr told him to speak his mind once. just be truthful with his feelings and nothing could go wrong. was he not supposed to show his affection blatantly, as he would his complaints and opinions?

"that... that is going a little too fast for me, xiao," you joked. "let's settle with appreciating each other for now."

he heard you laugh, causing the weight of his heart to drop, like finding lights in a fog, like seeing the lanterns in the night sky and realizing that there are more people alive with you than you think.

"thank you, for saving me," you said kindly then, your fist long stopped hitting him and was now patting his shoulder.

"always."

“but burning my school down is not the best approach for... whatever it was you were trying to help me with.”

xiao blinked in confusion, then realization hit him. he almost forgot about that! he was, shockingly, dwelling in the prideful fact that because he literally destroyed the building, you would be free of school for the day, and therefore not having to face all the hardships inside the walls he could not venture past. he thought it was the best thing to do, second to beating up everyone, which he politely opposed to.

“i am not sorry about that,” he muttered. “it was what i thought was best.”

he could feel you grin in his embrace. your laughter reverberated in the air, making his magic glow around you both. it was like nothing he has felt before. he wanted to stay like this—in this position where you were engulfed by him, where he could surround you with himself instead of the fireflies of green he has left behind, where he was with you in a way it was entire, in a way he could feel your beating heart against his own.

you are pressing onto his breaking point.

you are going to open him up, see him whole, and renovate his insides to your will. you are going to take his heart from his chest, breaking through his ribcage made feeble from his sheer affection for you, and claim it as your own. you are going to make him love, like sharp knives, like soft breaths, like tragic past, like warm blood, you are going to make him love.

you are pressing onto his breaking point.

and xiao lets you.

because you will be worth the tragedy, you will be worth everything.

#genshin x reader #genshin imagines #xiao x reader #genshin impact xiao #genshin impact imagines #genshin x you #genshin impact x reader #genshin xiao #genshin xiao x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin impact #xiao imagines #xiao x you #xiao scenarios #genshin scenarios #genshin impact scenarios

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andtheydontstopwriting · 3 years

Text

𝘾𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙨 -【Rodrick Heffley x F!Reader】- One-Shot

rating: pg

word count: 6.2k

summary: [y/n], daughter from a wealthy family from New York City, has been keeping her relationship with rodrick heffley a secret from her parents, though what happens if it’s brought up and her parents want to meet the secret boyfriend?

author’s note: here it is! hope you guys all enjoy it!! though i did want to let you know that i wrote this originally as a piece of work for my original character, which is why it is in third person! if you want to request anything feel free to!! once again, thank you for reading it!

keys: [y/nn] - your nickname

“I didn’t mean to tell them, [Y/NN].” Caleb spoke in hushed tones, as he attempted to prevent any outburst that he doubted would come from his younger sister, but it was still something that he felt that needed to be stopped, “But I’m sure neither you or Rodrick would exactly be thrilled if you ended up going to homecoming with David or Chad, and you know how dad-.”

“Listens to you, yes, I do know that, Caleb,” [Y/N] began, though her train of thought was shooting off in a million different directions, “And I do appreciate you trying to stick up for my happiness, but now we have to deal with what comes with doing that.”

It did not take long for Caleb to know what [Y/N] meant, because their father did bring it up in the conversation that started this whole situation.

“Father and Mother want to meet him.”

“And I don’t know if I can teach Rodrick to have the manners and social know-how that we and whoever Father believes would be more acceptable.”

“Maybe it’s for the best that’s the case, [Y/NN],” Caleb pointed out, placing a gentle hand on his

sister’s shoulder, “Give yourself the chance to step out of the spotlight for once, your happiness is what’s important.”

[Y/N] merely just nodded, because she knew that the standards their father placed on both of them were vastly different. Caleb could afford some level of security in the notion of not being worried about what their father thinks, because he does not have to work so hard to make their father happy.

This was something the teenager always had to grapple with growing up. Eventually, coming to terms with since she was the youngest, her future compared to her older brother’s was uncertain, unclear, and too many factors were up in the air: where was she going to college? What would her major be? What would her future career be? What sort of family would she have? Who would she marry?

Whereas Caleb had his future planned from the moment he was born: attend an ivy league for business then take over the family company, marry a family friend/one of the daughters of their father’s business associates or a family that would be useful to merge with and have a family. It was always clear and never questioned, even when they were kids. It took little effort on his part to make their father happy, because the expectations were clear as day and never took a moment of thought to figure out.

It was her burden to bear, and never had the strength in her to expect anyone to understand the judging gaze always cast her way, as if waiting for her to mess up or make a mistake to remind her of her failures no matter how perfect she appeared to the public eye. To her own boyfriend, even.

And part of her subconscious wished it would remain that way forever. But life has a funny way of working out in the end.

Her parents at dinner the same night her and Caleb conferred, they brought up having this mystery boy their daughter had been seeing secret over for dinner so they could have a chance to finally meet. [Y/N] had little say in the matter and the Saturday before Homecoming was agreed upon.

As soon as she returned to her bedroom for the night, [Y/N] knew she had to bring it up to Rodrick as soon as she could if they were to have any chance of staying together after that Saturday. The week they just about had was not going to be enough, but [Y/N] still felt she had to put the effort into trying to teach Rodrick at least table manners her parents would expect. But perhaps even that was pushing it.

:~+~:

“Your parents want to meet me?”

“Well, they did say they want to meet you, but I don’t think it’s because they know it’s you, Rodrick.”

Perhaps on their near nightly phone call was not the ideal place to tell Rodrick about the dinner, but it was the first instance she could get it out without her anxiety getting the better of her about telling him in the first place. It saved her having to tell him in person and save herself from seeing how he reacted in real time.

“And dinner was the best place for that to happen?” Rodrick questioned after a brief moment of silence and a familiar squeak of some springs faintly resounded into the speaker on his end. He must have

“With my family, yes,” The blonde confirmed, “With all things considered, with the holidays too far away and Homecoming approaching sooner, and they specifically said they wanted to meet you before the dance, a dinner is the only way.”

“Okay…” Rodrick trailed off, going silent for a moment, “When is dinner anyway?”

“Next Saturday,” [Y/N] replied, though quickly added before her boyfriend could speak, “We’re gonna have to have etiquette lessons, Rod, so I can teach you everything that you’re gonna need if you’re gonna make it through the night.”

“What do you mean etiquette, babe?”

“Like how to sit at a table, which fork and spoon to use and when to use them, what you can and can’t say, that sort of stuff. The basics.”

“Do you think a week is enough time to teach me all that junk?”

“Luckily for you, you have a great teacher and someone who has been taught this stuff her whole life, I think something will stick.”

“Alright, whatever you say babe,”

“I’ll even help you get ready,” [Y/N] promised, though had to amend it with, “I’ll try to, anyway, I'll at least come over to make sure you have an appropriate outfit because t-shirts won’t cut it.”

There was a clear groan of annoyance on the other end of the line before the teenager spoke, “You know I hate wearing ties, [Y/N], and I’m already pushin’ wearing it for Homecoming and not to church.”

“I know, I know,” [Y/N] sighed as she brought a hand up to her face as she stood from her bed to start pacing her room, “But it’s just for one more night than normal, Rodrick, I promise.”

“And what do I get in return, huh?”

“A girlfriend?”

“Okay, yeah, that’s a pretty solid deal.”

“So lessons start tomorrow, okay?”

“After the band practice,”

“After the band practice then.” [Y/N] confirmed as she sat on her bed once more, “Good night, sweetheart.”

“Night, babe.”

:~+~:

Okay, so the lessons did not go great, but they went about as well as [Y/N] expected. Teaching Rodrick how to behave and act as closely to the way she and her brother had grown up being taught was like pulling teeth, and much like chemistry, it was looking like nothing was sticking. And if anything was sticking, it was gone by the next day and they had to start over.

Meaning, come that fateful Saturday, [Y/N] could only hope that her very quick rundown of the basics, the true basics of what Rodrick needed to know the night before when she went over the Heffley’s house the previous night to get possible outfit choices ready and wrinkle free knowing the state of his bedroom and how clothes could be just...existing on the floor and if it was a process for her to find clean t-shirts of his to steal, then she figured the dressier clothes he owned were living the same way.

“What’s troubling you, little bird?” Her mother asked her daughter, as she had noticed that [Y/N] had been a little distracted in chopping the vegetables up. Not only that, she had been on edge since had left her bedroom that morning.

“I’m worried about dinner tonight, Mother,” [Y/N] answered, shaking her head a bit to refocus her attention on chopping the vegetables.

“I’m sure your Father will be on his best behavior, there’s no reason to be worried.” Helena spoke softly, reassuring her daughter with the soothing tones and having set the spoon down beside the stove top to go over and gently brush [Y/N]’s hair back, “Everything will be fine, little bird.”

As much as [Y/N] wanted to believe her mother was right, that things would be fine and everything would go smoothly,she also had to remind herself of her father’s constant attempts to control her life, and everything in her life. That included who she dates and there had been plenty of failed attempts in the past because of this meddling, and [Y/N], for once, just wanted to be free of the constant puppet strings attached to her that her father controlled.

“Father’s best behavior is turbulent, Mother, you know this,” [Y/N] pointed out with a sigh, “Rodrick isn’t exactly what Father believes to be best for me, and I’m afraid if Rodrick says one thing he doesn’t like, that's it, we’re through.”

“Your father’s opinion does not always matter, remember that his say is not final-”

“It’s been final before.” [Y/N] interjected, “Remember he wouldn’t let me try out for the cheer team?”

“He’s just looking out for what's best for you, that’s all.”

After that, the kitchen was silent save for the sounds of cooking, because once more [Y/N]’s anxiety took over and Helena simply did not know how to comfort her daughter anymore. It was easiest to just finish dinner and then go get ready for it, adn say nothing else on the matter for fear of making things worse.

However, just as [Y/N] was finishing up getting ready when she heard the familiar sound of an engine rumbling up the driveway. And gazing out of one of her bedroom windows that overlooked the front of the house, she saw the familiar van park in front of the garage.

So that is a good thing, Rodrick managed to remember to get there early as she insisted numerous times upon. Not that much earlier than the time she said dinner would start, but it was something, at least.

Next came the issue of watching Rodrick getting out of the van. While he did dress the part, the part was also distracting her that she kept her eyes trained on him before he disappeared under the roof that covered the front porch. It was indeed a rare instance for [Y/N] to see her boyfriend dressed up, considering she never exactly went with the Heffley family to church on Sundays.

So it was easy to understand as to why she had zoned out, nearly daydreaming and ogling over what she saw from a distance what her boyfriend was wearing. Though before she could fully dive into the daydream, the echoing sound of the ring of the doorbell echoed across the house and it was enough to snap [Y/N] out of her head and she was quick to stand from her vanity, hoping to make it to the front door before her parents or brother could open the door.

However, her attempts were in vain because of the delay it took her to stand and began the mad dash to the front of the house and the size of the home itself, and by the time she had reached the top of the stairs, she saw her mother already at the front door and as [Y/N] made her descent down the staircase, she heard what was spoken.

“Ah, so you must Rodrick,” Helena spoke, though [Y/N] could get a hint of confusion from the tone used, which [Y/N] assumed was because her mother had recognized Rodrick from the couple times she had seen him before when she first started to tutor the boy, but that was not brought up when Helen added, “Come in, come in.”

“Uh, thank you, Mrs. Clemens.” [Y/N] heard Rodrick speak as she continued her descent down the staircase, smiling to herself because at least something else stuck: always use formalities, never call my parents by their actual names.

As soon as she reached the bottom of the stairs, she was met with a beat of silence and then Rodrick saying without much hesitation, “You look beautiful,”

A dust of pink appeared on her cheeks and she briefly looked towards her mother away from Rodrick, who looked between the teenagers before taking the steps towards the dining room, allowing the young couple a moment alone before the dinner began.

“I have to admit, I know you hate getting all dressed up,” [Y/N] spoke as she neared Rodrick, reaching up to gently adjust the tie around his neck, “But I wouldn’t be opposed to you dressing up more often.”

“There isn’t a chance of that happening, babe, you know that.” Rodrick pointed out, though a teasing smile graced his face, which [Y/N] mirrored.

“A girl can dream, can’t she?”

Just as Rodrick was about to lean down to give [Y/N] a quick peck on the lips, he froze in his movements as he both heard a voice from down the hall echo around them and the fact he felt [Y/N] slightly tense up.

“Ah, [Y/N], dinner is about to start, I expected you to be in the dining room already.”

[Y/N] took a deep breath as she began to speak as she stepped to stand beside Rodrick instead, “Father, we were just heading there n-”

“This must be the secret boyfriend, then, Rodrick, wasn’t it?” Charlie interrupted, which was something [Y/N] was used to by then, and held a hand out to Rodrick (another thing [Y/N] could see right through--the charm of a businessman), “Charles.”

“Yeah, that’s me,” Rodrick said as he briefly glanced at his girlfriend to see what to do, before [Y/N] replied with a glance down to her father’s extended hand, which Rodrick took with a little too much fervor, “Nice to meet you, Mr. Clemens.”

The energy behind Rodrick’s hand shake with her father was something that would not be much of an issue, but [Y/N] never had a how to shake a hand lesson herself, so it was overlooked when she was teaching her boyfriend what he would need to know. She was a girl, and the only thing she ever got on the subject matter was to be light and certain in the handshake, and that was all. So one look at her father’s face said all that she needed to know.

It was already off to a bad start and they had not even sat down for dinner yet.

Luckily her mother had called them into the dinning room before much more could already add to the poor outcome [Y/N] could start to sense coming already, no matter the words that echoed to counter the notion, hoping that things would look up from there forward.

And for the first part of dinner, it was as her mind had hoped it would be, as everything went smoothly. Any questions her parents asked to Rodrick, it took a moment, but he was always to pull something out that also did not make him nor his family look bad. The looks shared between the Clemens siblings were a mix of relief and happiness as the dinner progressed, because the lessons and seemingly did in the end stick with Rodrick more than [Y/N] previously had suspected they did.

“So, what is it you want to do with your life after you finish up high school, Rodrick?”

That was the question she was dreading, and one she was hoping for once her father would overlook and just accept that fact, move on that the future did not matter as much as the happiness of his children.

And the question must have also thrown Rodrick off for some reason, as he glanced once more at [Y/N] and in turn [Y/N] glanced at Caleb, a look of panic settling on her face.

“I think the team has a good chance of winning the game next week.” Caleb brought up, “So Homecoming may be a celebration for that win, too.”

“The football team has won every year the past several years, Caleb,” Charles pointed out, sighing as he set his fork down on the plate before him, “But that is not what we are talking about now, my boy.”

“The marching band is probably the best we’ve had in years, Father,” [Y/N] quickly added, clearly buying Rodrick enough time to try and find an answer to Charles’ question, “It’ll be worth going to the game for more than just the football team this year.”

“[Y/N], I believed I asked Rodrick a question, so I would appreciate it if you would allow him to answer.” Charles said, his tone rising from calm coolness, to slight agitation as he took a deep breath to calm down once more, “Now, Rodrick, what do you want to do with your future?”

“To be a musician.”

“Oh, a musician,” Helena tried to express some happiness in the discovery, “Are you in the school orchestra with [Y/N]?”

“N-no, Mrs. Clemens,” Rodrick realized his mistake of bringing up the fact he wanted to be a musician, but at the same time, if he said he didn’t know, he was sure he and [Y/N] would be over then and there, “I’m in a band with some of my friends.”

“What type of music do you play then?” Charles asked and [Y/N] and Caleb once more exchanged looks before [Y/N] looked to Rodrick once again. A look that said there was no point in lying about it now.

“Heavy metal.”

“Oh…” Charles began, glancing between [Y/N] and Rodrick, before his eyes landed once again on Rodrick, “That’s an interesting choice, have you not considered going to college or another career path?”

“Charles,” Helena interjected, giving her husband a look from across the table, “Now is not the time.”

“What?” Charles asked, clearly confused as to what his wife could mean, “What’s so wrong about getting to know the boy who my little princess is dating?”

From there, Helena merely just shook her head and dinner continued in silence, The only sound was the clatter of utensils as they hit the plate. [Y/N] kept her gaze down at the plate in front of her, merely just pushing what food was left around on her plate. Though, at some point, under the table, she reached over to gently grab a hold of Rodrick’s hand. To which, Rodrick merely just briefly looked over to [Y/N] and the only thing he could really do in reaction to it, was to let go of the tension in his shoulders before attempting to finish the meal before him.

As expected, her mother announced that she would go and get dessert not too long after, but it would be a few minutes to warm it up once again. So as [Y/N] stood to start clearing the table, her father also stood.

“[Y/N], could I speak to you for a moment?” Was all he said before he started his way towards the office he had at home.

[Y/N] knew what would come from this conversation, and she had to try to be strong this time. She knew that this conversation would be her dad trying to get [Y/N] to break things off with Rodrick--something she knew was going to happen as soon as her father brought up the question of what Rodrick wanted to do with the future. His dream was not to be anything her father expected the man [Y/N] to be with. And it was time for her to take her own life into her own hands after so long of being looked down upon and controlled by the plan her father had for her.

“What is it you see in that boy, [Y/N]?” Charles questioned as soon as the door to the office was shut behind [Y/N].

“I can assure you that Rodrick is someone with more than meets the eye, Father.” [Y/N] answered clearly as she rose to stand up a little straighter.

“But you are aware that he is not ideal, don’t you?” Her father spoke as he folded his arms behind his back, taking the strides to stand in front of his daughter, “You should be with someone like Edward Vill or Chad Danford. Not someone who you met tutoring, and someone who believes his heavy metal band will take off.”

He waited a moment for [Y/N] to speak, but all she did instead was lower her head and folded her hands at her front, so Charles continued, “All you have to do is end things with Rodrick and your future already looks brighter, my princess.”

“That’s your plan for my life, though,” [Y/N] pointed out, her tone quieter than she wanted it to come out, but she soon found her confidence once more as she added, “For once I want to do things my way, so with all due respect father, I don’t think I will break things off with Rodrick no matter what your standards are for me.”

“The standards I hold for you are meant to ensure you have a future.” Charles began, using a variation of the same speech [Y/N] heard time and time again, “As you know, your brother will take over the company, so I just want to make sure your foundation is strong in whatever ways I can provide. You’re young, you know little of how the world works.”

“Have you not realized that in trying to live up to your expectations, I’m putting my own happiness at stake?”

“The real world knows nothing of individual happiness, [Y/N], success is the only thing that will cultivate any sense of the word.”

“I’m doing my best as I am right now, and then some, trying to gain the success you wish from me,” [Y/N] finally lifted her gaze up, though the tears starting to well in her eyes as soon as she did, looking at the man she called father, but had not felt like one in years, “But even with all that I have accomplished and juggled since we moved, you still think I’m a failure, and nothing I ever do is right.”

“There’s always more, you never have to stop working and aiming high.” Charles’s voice began to rise once again, “And being with that boy is going to prevent you from doing such.”

[Y/N] shook her head just as the tears started to fall from her eyes, “I’m done trying to be what you think I am, because I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“Young lady, you listen-” Charles began, but [Y/N] was quick to interrupt for once.

“No, I’m done listening and following whatever it is you say for me to do, I’m choosing my happiness for once, which means I am not breaking up with Rodrick just because you do not approve of him.”

And while Charles attempted to persuade [Y/N] otherwise, he did try to get her to understand why he does what he does, but [Y/N] was not having it. And despite his efforts to also get her to stay, [Y/N] was quick to make her leave, knowing if she stayed any longer it would turn out uglier than it had already become. And they did not need that to happen.

Instead, [Y/N] tried her best to compose herself, keep herself together, as she went back into the dining room to get Rodrick. She did not need her brother or her boyfriend doting on her immediately, and she had to stay strong as she left the family home because she could not afford any more signs of weakness.

Though the soft hand on Rodrick’s shoulder and her quiet yet slightly quivering voice as [Y/N] asked, “Can we leave now?” was all Rodrick needed to have to know things did not go well when she talked with her dad, but he didn’t know what was discussed.

“See you around, Caleb,” Rodrick said before he stood from the dining table and [Y/N] was quick to grab a hold of his hand to walk out of the house.

“Young lady, you stay in this house or you’ll be grounded for the rest of your life!” She heard her father call out as he was approaching the foyer, but Helena was quick to hold him back.

“Charles, let her go,” She tried to reason with her fuming husband, “You two need some space right now,”

[Y/N] shot a quick apologetic look to her mother as she grabbed her purse hanging by the front door before opening the large wooden door and stepped outside.

“Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Clemens, it was real good!” Rodrick felt like he needed to say something before he shut the door behind him, and that was what happened to come out. Perhaps it was nerves talking and not filtering his thoughts that were not filled with concern for his girlfriend. And when they cleared the steps of the front porch, the boy was quick to make the steps to walk side by side, gently squeezing [Y/N]’s hand as they got to the van.

As soon as everything was unlocked, and both were in their respective spots, Rodrick turned the noisy van on, backed up, and began the drive down the long driveway and back onto the street. [Y/N], meanwhile, just leaned her head against the window, staring mindlessly out the side view mirror and watched as the house she had started to call home grew smaller and smaller as they moved away from it, and she could see two figures standing on the porch but soon as they turned the corner onto the street, they were out of sight.

:~+~:

Rodrick did not know what [Y/N] wanted to do, and she had been silent since asking him to leave her house. So he assumed it best to play it safe and drive around town as she calmed down enough to tell him what she wanted to do, or at least, he felt like she could answer when asked what she wanted to do. He knew by then to not push [Y/N], let her do things at her own time, because of his experience during finals last year and how she got so stressed out she shut down for a few hours.

Though after an hour of driving, from the corner of his eye, Rodrick could see that [Y/N] made an effort to lift her head off of the window and that was the sign that she was calming down and he made the choice to ask a question.

“Wanna hit up the convenience store since we bailed on dessert?”

There was a moment of silence, then two, then three, before Rodrick heard the defeated voice of his girlfriend come from her mouth, “Yeah, I’d like that.”

And with that guidance and direction on what to do next, Rodrick complied and drove to the nearest convenience store.

The next thirty minutes or so of the evening for the young couple were spent attempting to rid themselves of the pain and sorrow of the evening that had happened earlier. Trying to be young once more without any burdens or cares. And with this attempt to change how the night progressed, came the night chill and while Rodrick was fine, [Y/N] was not. Luckily, or unluckily, Rodrick had left one of his sweatshirts in the back of the van--which was the unlucky part, because it was found in the back of the van and who knows when it was last washed. But it was better than nothing, so [Y/N] accepted it and was grateful it at least smelled of him--the cologne he started to wear more frequently, that is. Once inside the shop, they moved through the snack and candy aisles with careful thought and consideration of what they wanted, with [Y/N] clinging onto Rodrick’s arm, her head resting upon his upper arm as they moved through the aisles and made their decisions of what felt appropriate for the evening--for Rodrick, a bag of chips and for [Y/N] a bag of sour gummy candy, as well as a bag of chocolate to share between them, and went to check out.

They chose to just sit and eat in the back of the van, still parked in the parking lot of the convenience store, as it was easier than finding somewhere else to go. They also sat in considerable silence once again, the only sounds this time were the bags crinkling and the sound of the crunch of the chip whenever Rodrick ate one, side by side as close as they could be and eat with ease at the same time.

“I’m tired of trying to be good enough,” [Y/N] suddenly spoke, breaking the silence that fell over them once she had decided she had finished with her candy for now.

Rodrick, who had been in the middle of eating a chip when [Y/N] decided to speak up, was grateful that he had something in his mouth as it allowed him the time to process what his girlfriend just said and figure out what he was going to say in return. In the meantime, he set aside his bag of chips and shifted enough to reach out and grab a hold of [Y/N]’s hand.

“I’m tired of tryin’, too,” Was what he apparently settled with, having never exactly been good at the whole comforting thing, “So we can be tired of it together.”

There was no verbal response from [Y/N], but she responded to this statement by gently rolling her head onto his shoulder, her other hand also came up to start playing with his fingers after setting the bag of candy down. So Rodrick took this that she was listening to what he was saying, but wasn’t sure in what way.

“Buuuut, one of the smartest girls I know taught me once that having two negatives together ends up canceling out the other, so we can just be tired together, instead.”

With this addition, a breathy laugh was heard in his ears and a proud little half smile appeared on his face as he heard her voice once again not being plagued by anxiety, but simply by sleepiness.

“I don’t think you understood that full lesson, sweetheart, remember how you almost flopped that test because you didn’t?”

With her statement being made, Rodrick’s smile grew into a full one before he tilted his head to place a gentle but loving kiss to the top of her head, before he murmured against her hair, “But I would have totally failed without you, babe.”

“We can just be tired together, Rodrick,” [Y/N] confirmed after a moment of quiet enjoyment of the moment, “And deal with all the teenage bullshit together.”

“Wow, did you just swear, babe?” Rodrick said in joking disbelief as he leaned away to look at [Y/N] head on.

“It’s been a long night, sweetheart.”

“My place?”

“I don’t think either of our parents would appreciate us sleeping in the back of your van, so yes, your place.”

:~+~:

“Where have you two been?” Was what they were greeted with as soon as they arrived at the Heffley family home, “We’ve been worried sick!”

“Sorry, mom,” Rodrick began, stepping in front of [Y/N] as he added, “We just went on a drive and stopped to get snacks, that’s all.”

“Your mother called, [Y/N], and she was worried when I said you weren’t here, but I’ll go call her to come get you, okay?”

“N-no,” [Y/N] began, the stammer in her voice stopped Susan from going to the phone in the living room, and Frank just looked at her confused, “I, uh, don’t want to go back home tonight, can I please stay?”

“What happened at the dinner that made you not want to go home?” Frank questioned.

“Just some family stuff,” [Y/N] covered easily, though she took a step to stand closer to Rodrick as she continued, “...Didn’t leave on the best of terms.”

“Oh, then of course you can stay, and we can figure this all out tomorrow, but I am going to call your mom back and let her know you’re safe, okay?” Susan said with a gentle smile and [Y/N] reciprocated the smile with a quiet, thank you, before Mrs. Heffley added, “You can sleep on the couch, after I make the call I’ll go get you a blanket,”

“Can she actually sleep in my room?” Rodrick brought up, his tone rushed, to which both his parents gave him a stern look but before his mom could even get the answer of no out, he added, “I don’t want her to be alone after what happened, is all.”

Susan and Frank gave each other a look, before they looked at Rodrick and [Y/N], and they caught the young couple glancing at each other and they saw the softest expression on Rodrick’s face they have ever seen on their son and once more looked back at each other.

“On an air mattress.” Frank said, pointing a finger at the both of them, to which the pair nodded before Mr. Heffley turned to go get the air mattress from the basement.

:~+~:

So [Y/N] never ended up sleeping on the air mattress.

She started out there, trying to do right by Rodrick’s parents since they allowed her to sleep in their son’s bedroom, which she could not be in past 8:30 on a school night usually. But sleeping in some of Rodrick’s clothes and with him only feet away, she was crawling in right beside him not even five minutes in of trying to fall asleep.

When she awoke the next morning, [Y/N] felt a weight on her chest, and not the emotional kind. No, it was almost the entire dead weight of her sound asleep boyfriend sleeping over top of her, his head resting on her shoulder, his wild bed hair tickling her neck. She did not move him off or attempt anything, instead choosing to bask in this moment they rarely got to have and enjoy a quiet Rodrick for once, a version of him totally at peace. Gently, she started to run her fingers along his back through the t-shirt he was wearing, before the fingers of her other hand started to gently card through his hair, which only settled the sleeping teenager deeper into her.

When he settled a little deeper into rest, this was when she had a slight struggle with breathing, and [Y/N] knew that she had to do what was usually impossible: waking Rodrick up.

But luckily for her, she knew a solid weak point that often got him up if he ended up falling asleep before one of their tutoring sessions: tickling his sides.

The action did not shoot him straight awake, but it was enough to shock his brain into making him open his eyes, and groggily lift his head up.

At first, it was clear he was about to settle back into the sleep he just awoke from, but before his eyes fully shut, they opened once more as he processed he was not laying on his mattress, but instead his girlfriend and the sleepy grin that appeared as he lifted his head once more and gazed down at her with half-lidded eyes was a sight [Y/N] would never get used to no matter how much she saw it.

“Good mornin’ babe…” Rodrick mumbled as he began to lean down to give her a good morning kiss too, before he was promptly pushed away with a gentle hand.

“Your morning breath is atrocious, sweetheart,” [Y/N] pointed out with a quiet laugh, “It could kill.”

“C’mon, you know I would never kill you, babe.” Rodrick pouted, “Now c’mon and give me a good morning kiss.”

Rodrick instead kissed all over her face as [Y/N] kept moving her head to avoid Rodrick meeting her lips, but their playfulness was cut short as they heard Susan’s voice from down the staircase calling up to them:

“Rodrick! [Y/N]! It’s time for breakfast!”

And fearing that Susan would come in to check on things, the pair moved--Rodrick faster than he ever had in the morning--to get [Y/N] into the air mattress. It was a bit of a scramble and [Y/N] nearly tripped getting off the twin bed, but she had slipped under the throw blanket on the air mattress just as Susan began her descent up the staircase, and the teenagers pretended to be asleep.

Until they heard the sigh and Susan making her way back down the stairs, their eyes were shut but the moment she heard his mother’s voice away from the attic door, [Y/N] quietly slipped off the air mattress and made her way back to Rodrick’s bed, where she leaned down to give his a soft kiss on the lips.

“We should probably go down stairs soon, sweetheart.”

Rodrick opened his eyes at the feeling and smiled up at [Y/N], who smiled down at him in return.

“I hate it when you’re right, babe.”

It was this moment they both realized something very important, very pivotal.

They both loved the other, and it was a somewhat scary yet exciting thought.

#rodrick heffley x reader #rodrick x reader #rodrick heffley #diary of a wimpy kid

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nastybuckybarnes · 3 years

Text

Of Kings and Beasts - Eleven

Pairing: King!Bucky X Princess!Reader X King!Steve

Summary: Born a bastard of the King of Orlen, you’re thrust to the West to marry the Kings. However, the greeting you get is anything but warm, and your life with the King is far from enjoyable. He knows it isn’t your fault his husband is gone, but that fact alone won’t prevent him from taking it out on you.

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, suspense maybe?

Word Count: 1.8K

A/n: A bit of a short chapter but I am very excited for where this is going. I hope you guys enjoy and I love every single one of you.

THIS SERIES CONTAINS SMUT AND DARK THEMES THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME AUDIENCES!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

Series Masterlist

~*~

“May I see the note again?” Steve asks, one hand extended for the letter while to other rests protectively on your lower back.

You haven’t left their chambers at all today, and in the time that you’ve spent with them, they have each had a protective hold on you, as if terrified that you’ll slip through their fingers if they let go.

“You have been at this for hours already and come back with nothing,” you whisper, more hopeless than anything. Steve only shakes his head, eyes skimming over the words as he desperately tries to recognize the penmanship.

“There must be something. Something to enlighten us. Anything at all.”

You huff out a sigh and push yourself to your feet, fighting the urge to roll your eyes as they both snap their gazes to you.

“I’m going for a walk,” you announce, pushing past the brunet only for him to grab your hand with his, the warmth of his palm seeping into your bones.

“Please stay,” he whispers, eyes avoiding yours. You frown and step towards him, genuinely curious as to why he’s so adamant about you not leaving their chambers.

“James, what harm could possibly come to me here? The Valkyrie have sworn to protect me. And I will not be leaving the Palace, I only need stretch my legs.” He sighs and clenches his jaw then nods.

“Forgive me. I do not mean to control you, I only... knowing that the threat is so close yet not knowing who it is has put me on edge and I apologize.” You smile softly at him, lifting one hand to gently cup his cheek.

“I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing, James. But in the time since I’ve been away I have learned many things.” You take a step backward, eyes fluttering to Steve in time to see him smile at you, a soft sadness in his eyes.

“I shouldn’t be gone any longer than ten minutes. If it takes me longer than that, you have my permission to send out a search party.” Steve raises his eyebrows, chuckling softly.

He’s not used to you making jokes.

“Well, we will be counting down the seconds, dove,” James says, placing a soft kiss upon your knuckles before releasing your hand.

You turn and leave their chambers without another word, wanting time and space to clear your mind and indeed stretch your legs.

The threat is still at large, that much is evident. But who close to the kings would want their downfall so severely that they would plot against you as well?

Your feet take you through the palace and out through a back door into a gorgeous garden. Although the weather is cool and the wind bites your skin, the garden is filled with greenery.

“Asgardian shrubs have grown accustomed to the harsh winters,” a voice says from behind you. You jump, hand twitching for the blade strapped to your thigh for a moment before you recognize the voice.

You turn and offer the man a smile, bowing your head at him.

“Loki. Are you here to join me?” He looks at you then through the gardens, pursing his lips for a moment.

“I don’t see why not.” You resume your walk, this time with the raven-haired man beside you.

“Have you any luck figuring out who is behind the letter you received?” He asks casually, blue eyes flashing over to your face.

You shake your head with a sigh, pulling your cape tighter around your shoulders.

“Not so far. I do not understand how the Kings do not know who it may be. Surely they should know the members of their council well enough to recognize a threat when one is there. Especially if one has been blooming over time.”

He nods his agreement, pondering this for a moment before speaking.

“Could it be someone new to the council? Or perhaps not everyone is as they seem. We know not the ways of the world, the magic that lies dormant. Perhaps the answer is far closer than you think.”

You stop walking, brows drawn together in confusion, but the man only smiles, bows, and kisses your hand before turning and walking off in the direction you came.

His words bounce around in your mind as you finish your trek through the gardens, finding yourself on the other side of the Palace with absolutely no idea where you are or what may lie ahead.

Throwing caution to the wind, you walk down a dark hallway decorated with extravagant paintings of the Asgardian kings of the past.

A door opens further down the hallway and a familiar head of raven hair is walking the other way, taking a sharp left.

Confusion fills you. You swear you saw Loki go in the other direction.

Your curiosity gets the better of you, and you slowly creep towards the open door, taking a moment to make sure no one can see you, then ducking inside.

It’s an office. Fairly small, but still regal.

And seated upon the desk is a letter written in a strikingly familiar script.

Your heart races in your chest as you recognize the writing, and for a moment you’re rooted in place.

Loki is in on it. Loki is the betrayer.

Your anxiety is replaced with determination. To expose the truth, tell the Kings, and rid yourselves of the thorn in your side.

You spin around only to halt right where you stand.

Leaning against the door frame is none other than the trickster himself, his arms crossed over his lean chest and a smirk on his lips.

“L-Loki! I wasn’t aware this was your study. Please forgive me for intruding, I meant no harm.” Your voice is far more steady than you thought it would be, but he doesn’t move. No, he stays right where he is.

“Ever the snoop, aren’t we, Your Majesty?” You swallow hard, fear coursing through your veins as he takes a step towards you.

You glance at the small space between him and the doorframe and launch yourself through it, sprinting down the hallway as fast as your feet can carry you.

Your heart is pounding in your ears, the sound deafening and successfully drowning out the sound of him gaining on you.

His arms wind around you, yanking you back against his solid torso and forcing you to move back with him.

He wrestles you back into a dark corner, a hand darting up over your mouth just as you open it to cry out.

You struggle against him, arms held tight against your body and thus rendering you useless.

His hand on your mouth jerks your head up and you whimper at the pain in your neck, your eyes widening with hope as you see someone approaching.

You continue to struggle, hoping they’ll come to your aid. Your struggles cease when the person jogs over, Thor’s familiar face coming into view.

You’re relieved, almost smug as you think of the punishment that awaits the prince behind you until you realize that Thor hasn’t said or done anything about the situation yet.

No, instead he stands in front of you with his arms crossed and a darkness in his eyes.

“You’ve seen far too much, haven’t you, little one?” You’re confused, the look on your face enough to have the blond man chuckling before giving the man behind you a slight nod.

You start struggling again, tears welling up in your eyes as you realize you’re surrounded by far more enemies than you thought.

Any thoughts in your head are promptly discarded, however, when your surroundings fade to nothingness, darkness consuming you.

#bucky x reader #Steve Rogers x reader #Steve X reader #stucky x reader #royal!au #stucky x reader royal au #bucky x reader royal au #bucky x reader royal au #Steve Rogers x reader royal au #dark #Dark fics #Steve Rogers x reader dark fic #dark au #dark marvel #dark thor

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