#even if I’ve also always been hypervigilant (it’s complicated ig)

[dykesynthezoid]

The seasonal depression + major life stress to agoraphobia relapse pipeline is kicking my ass

#the adhd & demand avoidance don’t help any either #I end up wanting to avoid responsibilities out of spite and bc I’m time blind I don’t even notice how many days I’ve gone without leaving #the house #by the time you add the actual depression and anxiety and trauma I’m already struggling #it’s gotten so hard to go to shabbat services on friday nights bc it’s dark at 4:30 and the temple is in the middle of downtown #in not the safest area and there’s almost no parking #(to be clear it’s not just anxiety or fear preventing me from going. it’s hard to want to go anywhere when it’s dark and cold for normal #human reasons) #but still #i hate being in a position where I feel like I have to assume the worst of other human beings #bc that’s just. not who I am. its incongruent with who I am to walk down the street and assume people are bad and want to hurt me #that’s not a judgement I’d ever want to make lightly #even if I’ve also always been hypervigilant (it’s complicated ig) #(really feel like my nervous system has just not been able to fully stabilize for the past six weeks. it’s already such a hard time of year #for me and with recent events on top of that…) #anyway. I need to start planning ways to leave the house ig. #agoraphobia