#very intense personal trauma and suicide and shit

[cosmicjoke]

I’d like to ask why do you think Eren allowed himself to be killed at the end? Is it because he was suicidal because of the guilt of his own actions and allowed Mikasa to kill him to just put him out of his misery?

or is it because he saw the future knowing his friends would fight him and put and end to the titan curse which caused to Eren change his goals from wanting to kill all the world to make his friends into heroes to free them from his actions?

or is it because allowing himself to be killed ultimately made him evade responsibility of his own actions? Because I read an analysis from someone saying that Eren wanted to do the rumbling because he wanted complete agency of his actions but didn’t want to accept any sort of responsibility or consequences. By having god like powers like the founding titan, you can essentially do want you want but most people would not accept responsibility or consequences because you are a god. It’s easier to become a devil or a god but not a human being accepting responsibility. Eren would rather make the situation worse for his own benefit rather than facing the fact he is the problem. Which is why dragged his friends into trauma and chaos.

what do you think?

I think it was that Eren knew what he had done was unforgivable and that it put him beyond redemption. There wasn't any coming back from it, and he knew it. He knew he had to die. Eren's guilt was very real, and it consumed him. Remember how he was in Marley, when the Survey Corps visited there? He was deeply despondent and detached from everything, and when he confessed his true motivation to Ramzi, he began to sob and expressed genuine remorse. Eren knew what he was in that moment. He couldn't deny it to himself any longer. But I think up to that point, he'd tried very hard to do so. Back on Paradis, he makes the attempt by telling his friends that he wants to protect them, but what this really is is an attempt to convince himself. He knows the future. He sees what he does. He's trying to convince himself before they leave for Marley that it's to protect his friends, to ensure they have a long and happy life. It's a way for him to cope with the ugly reality staring him in the face, which is that he wants to destroy the world. He makes another stab at convincing himself of this in the scene with Hange, too, once he's brought back to the island and imprisoned. When he grabs Hange through the bars and screams at her about her supposed failure to find any, other way to solve the conflict. He's completely full of shit. He knows there were other options and other routes they could have taken. It was his own doing, his own actions that set into motion the imminent attack facing Paradis. His own actions which brought the world's forces down on the island. People don't get this about Eren. Everything he says about wanting to protect his friends, everything he says about erasing the Titan curse, or safeguarding the island, it's all a lie. Lies he tells both himself and others as a means to cope with his intense guilt.

The issue for Eren comes when they get to Marley, and he's looking around and he realizes that all of the people he sees are just regular people. They aren't evil, and they aren't his enemy. But he knows he's going to kill them, anyway. He realizes he wants to kill them, even as he knows there's no, justifiable reason to do so. I think a large part of the remorse he shows with Ramzi comes from the realization that he is, indisputably, a bad person. He begins to cry because he can't deny it to himself. In that moment, he has to fully face the reality of who he is, and that's someone who wants to wipe out all of humanity in order to shape the world into the image he saw in Armin's book. In order to achieve his idea of personal freedom. A world devoid of humanity. That's Eren's dream, and he doesn't care who he has to hurt or kill in order to accomplish it, including the very friends he claimed only to want to protect.

That's demonstrated by Sasha's death. That's demonstrated by Hange's death. That's demonstrated by Levi's body being destroyed. That's demonstrated by the fact he pulls all of them into a war they didn't ask for or want. That's demonstrated by him forcing them to fight against him, a person they loved and cared about. Even forcing Mikasa to kill him was incredibly selfish. He caused her untold trauma and heartbreak by putting her in that position. What Eren did never had anything to do with him wanting to better the world, or his friend's circumstances, or wanting to end the Titan curse. It only ever had to do with the fulfillment of a selfish desire. Eren acts like a child because he is a child. He has the selfishness of a child, the compulsiveness, the stupidity and the pettiness. He has a child's inability to accept reality. People try to say Eren's character was "retconned" when he put his friends in danger, but no, Eren's character never changed. He was always putting his friends in danger, always running ahead and leaving them behind, not caring how it affected them or impacted their lives. We see it early on, with him wanting to join the Survey Corps, and not caring that by doing so, Mikasa will surely follow, thus putting herself in harms way for his sake. We see it with him continually getting into fights with other children, not caring that it's Mikasa who always has to bail him out, or that it negatively impacts his mother. He says it's to protect Armin, but it never was about that. It was because Eren was bored and wanted something to happen. Remember, when he's sitting and staring up at the sky, and he says "I wish something would happen"? That's all he's ever cared about. He always wanted chaos because he wanted to relieve his own disappointment with the way the world was. He always felt shackled by the mundane nature of reality. He felt like he was being oppressed by it, which is where this whole concept of freedom formed in his head. It was always rooted in boredom. He believed he could accomplish some sort of self-satisfaction through the creation of chaos and violence. It's why he attacks Mikasa's kidnappers, too. It wasn't to save Mikasa, it was to alleviate his own boredom. He goes directly against his father's instructions when he does that, without ever thinking how it would affect Grisha if he were to be killed. And we see it all throughout the story, with Eren constantly needing to be rescued because he acted recklessly, and every time he needed to be rescued because of his own stupidity and selfishness, people died as a result.

People don't understand Eren's character at all. He was never a good person. He was always a horribly selfish and petty child, one that never grew up or matured because he was simply incapable of it. He says it to Zeke himself. Nothing made him that way. He was just born like that.

Anyone trying to fit Eren's actions into some heroic or selfless sacrifice on his part, or to frame his actions as such, are deluding themselves. Nothing he ever did was selfless or heroic. He was always acting for his own satisfaction, and that's it. If people would just accept that simple fact about his character, AoT in general would make a lot more sense to them.

#Eren Yeager #attack on titan #shingkei no kyojin #analysis #meta #commentary

[the-casbah-way]

very impossible to find the balance between "i want my friends to be able to talk to me about their problems and tell me when they're struggling" and "i am extremely emotionally fragile at the moment because i'm doing very badly and talking about very heavy topics especially with no warning is not something i feel capable of dealing with right now because i'm on the verge of a violent mental breakdown"

#i guess i need to find a way of telling people that i'm in that headspace in the first place #because i probably seem completely fine #but i can't tell people those things unless they explicitly invite me to do so first #so i'm assuming everyone just looks at me and goes yeah you seem fine so i can unload all this heavy stuff on you and you'll be able to cop #but unfortunately. i cannot and i feel guilty about it #but i already have way more bad days than good and when i have to hear people talking about like #very intense personal trauma and suicide and shit #it throws me off for the rest of the day and i go nonverbal until i can go straight home and sob until i fall asleep #and that is not an exaggeration it keeps happening to me with multiple different people #i don't want anyone to feel like they have to pretend around me in any way #but i also don't know how to cope with hearing intense things like this when i'm on a knife's edge mentally all the time #and i cannot afford to keep cutting my days so much shorter when i should be working #and also like when people DO talk to me about these things it's like #it's good they can get it off their chest #but now i'm holding onto all of the stuff they've just told me as well as the stuff i was already secretly holding onto about my own life #and now i have to go home alone with nowhere to put any of it because i don't have anyone to talk to #i've had people tell me this is therapeutic to talk about this stuff #but it's not for me because i'm not talking i'm just listening and then being overwhelmed and triggered and upset about it all #and most of it probably boils down to the fact that i cannot express my own feelings or tell people my boundaries #in situations this sensitive because it's so like. precarious and awkward #but i'm like i can't deal with it all the time it's too much

[scarrletmoon]

About Powder Blue

This is going to be long. There are going to be discussions of suicide and trauma. This is going to be a bit of a jumbled mess because I can't tell a linear story to save my life. Don't feel like you need to read this, now or ever.

If you're wondering what the issues with PB were, and looking for what's next, read the indented text and skip the rest if you want!

I've had a bit of a...tumultuous relationship with the OFMD fandom. I've made close friends and lost them, made even closer friends who've very patiently reminded me of my worth when I needed that. I'm at a point where I'm still struggling, but I'm getting better. I'm still working on not being afraid. It's a bit of an uphill battle, but I'm still pushing my little boulder. I'm not alone this time, which is nice.

I entered the fandom as a nobody. I had almost 50 fics on AO3 and two had mildly popped off while I wasn't looking, but I wasn't really known for anything. I was a fandom ghost, posting my little fanfics and sharing them with the world because I just enjoyed the characters so much. Like a lot of people, I dreamed of being known for something. I thought that'd be neat.

I'm still in a state of shock and confusion that I've written anything in the past 2 years that people remember and even love. It's weird to be in a place where I never imagined myself to be. I can't stress enough how much I did not write explicit fic before this fandom; in high school, I would've welcomed a porn ban. I was afraid of my own sexuality, convinced it was some sort of monster I had to control. Convinced I was dirty. To other people my age, I was a prude, naive and childish for not being comfortable with it. So I feel for people who lash out now, who insist that attraction is actually fetishization, that if we set enough rules, maybe if we resist temptation, we'll be saved. I see you, and I feel for you. I personally don't think that's a healthy way to live, but if you'd told me that 2 years ago, I would've cussed you out. It's really a realization you have to come to (or not) on your own terms.

Anyway.

I know it's tacky to talk about your own success but it doesn't feel real. I go back and forth, reading other people's work -- and my god, there's some unbelievable talent in this fandom -- and thinking "shit, why would anyone read anything I've written? My stories are kindergarten finger paintings next to museum masterpieces". I am learning, slowly -- very slowly -- that I can't bully myself into a shape I like better. I'll never abuse myself into the kind of writer I think I want to be.

The first chapter of Powder Blue was written on a random day of the week after work. I was in a server -- the first fandom server I'd properly joined and talked in, watching a convo about how funnyt it would be for Ed to be a middle aged sugar baby -- when I pulled out my laptop and wrote for an hour and then posted that chapter to the server. I hadn't written for five years before OFMD. I had never finished a multi chapter fic. I posted that chapter and went to make dinner, and assumed the Google Docs link would get lost in that channel after a few likes.

That's not what happened.

The next few months were...a lot. My 7 year old Twitter account blew up from about 200 followers to 1000 in a matter of months. I was misinterpreted half a dozen times. Suddenly, people knew who I was and had Opinions. Some of those Opinions were Not Nice. I was told to grow a thick skin and get over it. So I figured my extreme reactions -- physical shaking, intense fear, a spiking heart rate, like I was being chased -- were just me being weak. I thought if I just sucked it up and laughed it off, it'd stop affecting me.

Turns out RSD is real and not an excuse I was using to be a baby, and it literally didn't get better until I was medicated! Wild

(This -- "I'm just overreacting and everyone else is secretly handling it better" -- has been a pretty consistent pattern my entire life, so figuring out I'm actually AuDHD has been mindblowing. If you've been wondering why you're so weak your whole life, I've got some screening tests you might be interested in).

Anyway my point is, a few things happened over the course of 2023 that brought me to a level of emotional pain I've never experienced.

At the start of the year, I was taking a self imposed internet break, after being forced to apologize for a tweet thread about Izzy, where I'd made the mistake of suggesting that fans of his should consider thinking about why they enjoy his character, but to only do this if they wanted to and ignore me if they didn't. This was taken as me being a hypocrite, and accusing Izzy fans of being terrible people. I apologized, vowed to never mention him again, and left Twitter for a month. Around the same time, a few things in a very close friend group went very wrong. I assumed it was entirely my fault for misbehaving, picked myself up, and tried to punish myself into a shape that would be acceptable for other people.

It didn't work.

Since I was now marked as an anti-Izzy bully, I couldn't say anything -- either on Twitter or in private -- that wouldn't be interpreted as me trying to start fights, as me being passive aggressive, as me trying to send covert messages for others to decipher so they could come and grovel for my forgiveness. Some of this is my fault -- it took a long time to learn than my private locked Twitter account isn't a diary. it took even longer for me to learn that maybe the people I was hanging out with weren't my people.

During all of this, I was posting Powder Blue after months of tears, pain, heartbreak, frustration and stress. I still don't understand why people write books for work or FUN. It was the most horrific experience of my life. It was valuable and so rewarding but jesus christ did writing PB take a lot out of me.

So as I felt less connected to my friends, as I was trying to hide how I felt because I thought I didn't deserve to be upset about anything (everything is always my fault, you see, and if I just behaved better, these things wouldn't happen to me), someone came to me and said they'd noticed some issues with Powder Blue. I'll refer to this person as the reader.

I was more than happy to hear them out. And it's true that I made some mistakes. The environment that I published PB in was not the one that I wrote it in. I didn't read any other sugar daddy/sex work fics as I was working on PB. PB was never a reaction to those fics. But because of those stories, which had handled things is harmful ways, there was suddenly a responsibility I'd never expected to have. I've never done sex work, I've just spent a lot of time listening to sex workers and trying to understand the legislation and environment as much as I can as a lay person. And since I don't have a personal experience with sex work, I shared my finished but rough draft with the reader, who did.

The problem, ultimately, is not something I could ever have fixed to their satisfaction. The fic doesn't involve dubious consent on a level that I think warrants an archive warning tag -- I tried to make it explicitly clear that Ed never does anything he doesn't want to, and that he's never coerced. The issue is that the nature of Ed and Stede's relationship is inherently uneven -- Stede is rich, and although he gives Ed money that's his to keep, Ed still isn't as obscenely wealthy as Stede is. Ed is poor and has been for a while. He's good at whatever he chooses to do, but he's struggling. That's a very uncomfortable spot to put Ed in. I also put Ed through some things that I've personally been through, as a way to work through my feelings and to try and better understand myself. If I was acting like Ed in real life, the reader is right that it would be concerning. But, importantly, Ed's not real. Nothing in this story is happening to a real person. Nothing in this story is an endorsement of any of his behaviours or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I still believe the reader had good intentions -- the amount of effort they put into coming to me would be utterly bizarre for someone who was just looking to be cruel for no reason. But that also doesn't change the fact that being told I was having a trauma response and needed to stop working on the fic immediately, pushed me into the most suicidal period I've ever experienced.

That's not their fault. I'm sure that wasn't their intention. I've chosen to not try and find out who they are, or try to contact them again to respect their privacy. Some of the things people said to me, publicly dismissing the reader's pain, were so harrowing to read that it made me feel worse for ever writing PB in the first place. They were right to stay anonymous.

I'm sure the reader never meant for me to have such a massive breakdown that I took down the entire fic and left Twitter (and a few friend groups). It's been difficult to understand that just because someone didn't mean to hurt me, doesn't change the fact that I was hurt.

One silver lining is that I did go and find a new therapist. She's great! And she also thinks that how the reader tried to bring things up to me was wrong. As the reader obviously saw, I have a lot of Trauma, so I'm still not entirely convinced that I didn't deserve what happened to me. I'm not angry at them. I appreciate their concern. I just can't do what they asked of me. In the end, Powder Blue was not a story that was right for them. And that's okay.

My point in detailing all of this, is that I stayed quiet for a long time because I didn't think I deserved to tell my part of the story. I was scared that when people said they respected my choice to take down the fic, that they agreed I'd some something impossibly harmful. People trusted my judgement but I didn't trust myself. But people didn't know that I didn't trust myself.

Additionally, reader can't speak on this without revealing themself in some way. I'm terrified that they might read this and say something anyway. My biggest fear is becoming the kind of writer who sees negative criticism and pushes on anyway, or even blocks people who disagree with me. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.

BUT I've been holding onto this for months. I cannot write a perfect fic that will never trigger anyone. I will never write a meaningful story that won't hurt someone, no matter my intentions. There IS a way to admit you fucked up, or a way to listen and disagree, without turning into a raging asshole. I'm struggling to find that line. I'm hoping I'm making the right choice here.

And honestly, I'm just soft. I am so fucking soft. I talk a big game but I am so soft that a single person poking at my trauma caused me to break down so severely that my partner was legitimately afraid for me. I am learning that this softness doesn't mean I should become a crueler person to cope. But it's hard. There are going to be people who see this post and think I'm being a whiny crybaby looking for attention and pity. And I just have to deal with that.

Anyway. All previous chapters of PB will be up soon. Read them or don't. I will do my best to add more detailed trigger warnings. And I would personally suggest that if you're worried about any of the content in the fic, to run these worries past a friend who's read the fic, because they'll know you better than I ever will. Please don't read Powder Blue if you think it'll harm you. I would rather have fewer readers than triggered ones.

If there's anything I've missed that you think I need to address, know that my inbox is open, that anon is on, and that I'm not in the business of retaliating against people who come to me with an issue, even if they're a dick to me while they're doing it. I'm not going to dismiss someone because they weren't nice to me while they were upset. I'm a bitch but I'm not that kind of bitch.

So. Thank you for waiting for this fic. Thank you for waiting for me. We've got something like 16 chapters to go, and I can't tell you when they'll be up, or if they'll be up soon. But thank you for loving this story. I can't tell you how much that means to me, especially now.

Love,

Scarr

#scarrlet rambles #powder blue #about powder blue #this is also just a really long about me

[moonlit-positivity]

How to Stay Organized While Dissociating Through Trauma Recovery

Dissociation is a very hard phenomenon that happens to us as a way for our brains & bodies to cope with the horrific & traumatic events of our life. Many times our trauma can "knock us out" in a way that leaves us mentally screaming into a pit of fire so to speak, making it so that we can be "here" but not really "here" at the same time, or rather our bodies are here in this moment but our minds just can't seem to stay focused through this intense brain fog that has us disconnected from ourselves and our surroundings.

It can take the form of daydreaming during serious moments, zoning out, unfocused or blurry eyesight, hearing the person speak but not fully aware of what they're saying, fainting & dizziness, increased heart rate, panicked feelings, intense suicidal ideations, numbness, dazed & confused, and fawning in the form of "if I just nod and agree to whatever is being said then I can get out of here faster and go home where I'm safe again." And when you're living on your own, these types of reactions tend to be counter intuitive to retaining and expressing the important information we are there to retain and express.

And yet, life still moves forward even while we are so traumatized. My experiences with dissociation have definitely been my least favorite aspect to living. 100% hands down this experience of still having to be aware of and listen to others during appointments and meetings and still function as a traumatized individual while my brain just cannot comprehend the fact that I even have to be alive during these moments, has been some of the most excruciating moments of my life at all. Like can we just go home and never go outside ever again please?! Fucking hell. And I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one who absolutely hates this shit with a passion.

So, what the hell do we do about it? Let's talk two points here: organization and preparation.

Organization is gonna help us keep track of things in between moments when we need to be present. Write down all the important information immediately after you hear it! So we can keep ourselves on track when the time comes for us to move again. And hey- the second you write it all down the sooner you can go back to forgetting it all over again!! Get in the habit of taking notes immediately during and immediately after all of your important business doings. Do not wait around! The longer you wait the more likely you are to forget!

And preparation is gonna help us navigate these big scary meetings in more safer ways, reduce the stress, and keep us grounded during these important moments- even if it's hard for you to do this and it sucks and you don't really wanna, don't worry Ive got prime tips for navigating this hellscape called life. Let's get into it.

Ideas for staying organized in between appointments and meetings:

🟢 Digitally organize your notes

Download a mobile notes app like Google Keep Notes. It syncs to your Google account through a cloud system, so you can keep everything stored & synced both online and also through phone changes. There's even a widget that you can keep on your home screen that will show you a list of your notes. You can easily keep track of appointments the second you schedule them by quickly adding a new note directly from the widget.

The thing I enjoy the most about Google Keep Notes is that you can even color code and label and tag your notes too! Which is extra incentive for that oooo feel good organizing feel! ADHDers y'all know what I'm talking about :3

Take some time out to consider how you'd like to organize your important information. Google Keep Notes, Google docs, spreadsheets, personalized Discord server, cloud storages, Gmail, calendars, there is an entire plethora of organization options for your pure little disorganized heart to devour. Sure, you can use a planner for this instead. I just find it more efficient to have this information readily accessible at all times. You're always gonna carry your phone everywhere you go. A planner though? Mm that's extra work. If that works for you then sure. Both are equally as viable and there's no right or wrong answer here. In fact, it could be a good idea to use both. In some cases phone notes are good, but there are some cases when pen & paper is good too. Play around with it. We need something a bit more secure & fine tuned for our own personal experiences with the forgetful nature that is dissociation. Try not to get too caught up in the aesthetics and just focus on what is more beneficial and what is gonna actually help you retain this information that we need to retain. However that works for you is however it works for you.

This is how I've organized mine:

Upcoming Appointments- this one stays at the top of my list. I immediately write down the next appointment, the day & time, and the contact person & info, right there in the appointment or over the phone in fact. I will pause and ask for a minute while I jot it down. Eventually I add the contacts to my phone especially if I'm calling them often, but I also like to have them stored in my notes as well, just in case something happens to my phone.

Passwords- a list of all my accounts & passwords. I try to keep them updated the second I have to change something, like an email contact or a password. I also put the most recent date these changes were made.

Bills & Utilities- all of my business accounts, bills & online accounts, alongside any relevant information like account numbers, security answers, pay dates & money due etc

Medication lists: any and all medicines I take, even OTC, as well as new medication and also any reactions, changes in diet, changes in mood, etc when I notice them. Dates I started taking them, any dates I missed and how it affected me, etc. And anything else I might want to ask about at my next appointment.

Grocery lists & recipe ideas: mm self explanatory, look man adulting is hard. Every single time I forget to order sour cream with my groceries my soul dies a little more inside. Also, I find that having a preplanned list of what i like and what I want to get next time greatly reduces my panic and anxiety around ordering groceries at all. Especially for my eating disorder peeps.

Job history: I haven't worked in 10 years, but I get tired of scrambling for this information on the spot when I'm applying for anything that wants this info. So I keep a digital record of my job history on my phone.

[these are just some of my own notes, how would you organize yours? What would you add?]

Google also has a calendar widget you can keep right on your home screen to help you keep track of the days. I find this one genuinely useful for when those hard and long dissociation episodes hit, where I find myself losing track of weeks to months on end. I also keep a weather widget with the day and time on my front home screens. Anything to help me keep track of what day it is without doing too much energy is really a good tip to have.

🟢 Manually organize your paperwork

Here is a really niche child abuse thing that no one talks about: were you able to salvage your birth certificate and SSN card from your shitty abusive parents? If not then you can call the DHHS office in your birth city/state and ask for legal copies. But the one thing about being an adult is that you're gonna need to keep track of your documents and paperwork in order to do anything in this world. Let's look at some organizing options:

Get a large storage system specifically for documents. I use a file-fax folder I bought for like $8 at Walmart. Its large, bulky, has multiple folders, and tabs for organizing. You're gonna need something big because sometimes large official documents dont like to be folded in half.

Keep all your mail organized. Do not throw anything away unless it's useless and irrelevant, like spam and junk. Bills, bank statements, official notices, etc. do not throw these away ever. Mark the month and year on the envelope and file them away instead. Why? Because paper trails baby. Some day you're gonna need to backtrack to April 15th, 2016 for some random obscure bullshit you're trying to do now in 2024, and it's gonna be a pain in the ass because goddamn that was 8 fucking years ago what the actual fuck do I do about that now???? And I know we can go paperless in this day and age, but there will come times when you need paper documents for stuff like proving your address, proof of income, etc. So if you're still getting paper docs it's a good idea to keep them stored somewhere safe.

Make extra copies of your ID, birth certificate, and SSN. Keep them safely stored away in your file-fax for when the time comes to use them. You can even take pictures of them in this day and age. Some websites accept photos of your documents. You can keep them stored in a special folder on your phone if you want to go that route.

Other things to store: tax files, W2 forms, life insurance forms if applicable, hospitalization forms, dates of hospitalization, dates of treatments, medication lists, paycheck stubs, etc. Anything important and relevant to your life. File it away safe.

🟢 Make it fun & do something nice for yourself

Look man this shit is hard. Let yourself doodle some random bullshit on your file-fax. Get colorful markers and color code your mail systems. Draw flowers on everything. Or draw comics on your notes. Use memes. Anything to make this shit less exhausting and give you a break. This is hard emotional labor you're doing. Pay yourself in giggles and crayons. Giggle tax. Have you giggled today? It'll help.

Preparing for the stress

🟢 Identify your stressors

What's the hardest part of doing this for you? For me it's the crippling fear and anxiety and paranoia of being out in public. It may be something entirely different for you. Maybe it's just the uncomfortable feeling of being so dissociated and unable to stay grounded? Or maybe it's just really scary to be around authority figures? Or maybe you're just too suicidal to even care anymore? Let's see what kinds of stressors get in the way & how we can prepare for them.

🟢 Preparing before hand: mental stressors

Aka emotional supports:

Prepare your questions. The idea of our digital organization is to easily & immediately jot down things we wanna ask between appointments. By doing this we can compile all of our concerns effortlessly throughout our dissociation fogs. Take some time out before the appointment to go over your questions and prepare your mental dialogues. "I was wondering if I could ask you about-" "Can we talk about-" "I noticed I was having some issues with-" etc.

Ask someone trusted to go with you & talk about it before hand. A friend, family member, or partner you can trust and feel safe with. Maybe even carpool with them to reduce the stress before the appointment. It would be good to discuss how comfortable both of you are with the idea of opening up and sharing these types of things with each other, what the boundaries are between you two, if you'd want them to go in the appointment with you, and also if you'd like them to speak on your behalf if something happens and you're not able to communicate yourself properly. Having someone trusted with you can be a great help with retaining information- double the ears, double the processing. It can also help if you struggle to speak up & advocate for yourself with authority figures. It can be so helpful just having a safe person there with you for emotional support. But it is very important to discuss what you need and what the boundaries are before the appointment, that way everyone stays safe during this process.

Look into case management. Especially if you don't have anyone you feel safe enough to help you manage these things, case managers literally get paid to help you do things like paperwork and attend your appointments. They're also incredibly resourceful and can help you get access to hidden resources, or even just brainstorm other ways to get things done! Theyre incredibly useful for these types of things-- if you can find a good service in your area.

Keep in touch with your providers. I text my therapist literally every other day. She doesn't always respond, and that's okay because half the time I'm just sending her memes anyway bc I'm bored. This is probably an extreme example, but hey, we've been talking for 4 years now. If ya can't bug your therapist then who can ya bug amirite 😩🤧 But it's a good idea to keep in touch with your providers every now and then to keep track of symptoms, recovery, rescheduling, program availabilities, etc. Having a good communication also helps your providers understand your wants and needs better so they can better accommodate you, too. It can also help clear your mind of any worries that might pop up out of the blue.

Know why you're there. Keep in mind these services are there to serve you, not the other way around. You're there because youre taking care of yourself. Keep a small list of things you want and need out of these services to better help you advocate for yourself against the authority figures, and know when it's time to leave and find someone who will listen and take you seriously if you feel you're not being listened to.

Take the comfort items with you. I am a huge fan of taking teddy bears out in public. If it helps you find some sort of comfort during this hard process, then it helps! Nobody should be judging you for that. What sort of items comfort you? Music, fidgets, stim accessories, blankets, there is no right or wrong answer. The only thing you have to do is show up. It doesn't matter how you show up. Just show up.

Troubleshoot with others. Talk to your therapist about what you're feeling and what deeper emotions this is bringing up. Vent to others who can relate and ask for advice, suggestions, and encouragement to make it through.

Remember this is temporary and eventually you will be able to go home again. Your safety zone hasn't vanished, it's there waiting for you all nice and cozy for when you're done. You can make it through this. Just keep swimming.

🟢 Preparing before hand: physical preparations

Aka the reasons why we freeze up & dissociate. These can be really challenging for us to gather the energy to do normally, but I find that having the added stress of responsibilities just makes it worse. Here's some things that might help.

Lay out your clothes & documents the day before: scrounge up a decent outfit. Find your shoes. Find your coat. Find your keys, wallet, and any important paperwork you might need to take with you. Put it all in a pile.

Small hygiene steps. If you can manage even a small wash-up the night before, do it. Rinse ur mouth with mouthwash. Wash ur face. Wear a cap or put your hair in a ponytail or a bun. If even this is too difficult then don't worry about it & try not to be discouraged. Grab the deodorant & spray your clothes with air freshener/perfume. Showing up stinky is still showing up.

Prepare your ride & route weeks before it's time to go. If you're getting a ride from someone else it's best to give lots of notice so schedules can be aligned. If you're driving then it's best to know where the hell you're going and if there's any road work or construction interfering with travel times. Wake up early & leave with considerable time.

Grab a quick and easy breakfast (unless otherwise instructed.) Microwave a burrito. Slab some meat on some bread. Just give your body some energy to work with.

Take some water & chewing gum with you. Invest in some water bottles for traveling with. (Ps juice works too) Gum can help with hygiene. Grab the chap sticks & lip balm if needed.

Give yourself something fun to do or look forward to when you get back. Que up your favorite TV show/movie ready to play for when you get back. Set up some snacks and juice by your sofa. Grab the blankets and pillows and stuffies and games and all the things that bring you joy. Prepare some home comforts for when you get back.

🟢 During & after the appointment

Aka the panic zone:

Remember you are safe. You're not in trouble. This can be a hard thing to grasp if you've never worked on calming your nervous system before. Your body is going to freeze up during these moments because it's a triggering situation. During these moments it's our job to do what we can to nurture that safe space within ourselves. Grab your grounding techniques if you can. Deep breaths, hold your hand over your heart and breathe. You're gonna make it through this.

Slow down and be authentic. Remember you're here to take care of yourself. Unmask and let yourself speak freely. It can be hard to do this because the nature of our trauma is not trusting others with our pains and concerns. Try to remember these people are here to help us, and if they're not listening and helping then you have the right to get up and walk out.

Ask questions. Another one that can be hard to do when you have trauma around authority. But yes, you are absolutely allowed to ask questions when you're not sure of something, need something explained, or need to interject and voice a concern. This is what you need to do for yourself if you want the best possible outcome of whatever it is you're doing. Again, you're not in trouble and you can walk out if you feel like you are. But whenever you need something explained, please try to get out of the habit of just nodding your head and acting like you understand. There is no such thing as a dumb question. This information is important for you to know. The person you're asking is gonna be prepared to answer any and all questions you could possibly have. This can take some time to work on, so be kind to yourself for even trying. You will get there.

Take notes. This is why we have our digital organization, but if you're more adept with pen and paper then bring your planners & notebooks along. Note down anything you feel is important. Ask for a moment to pause while you do so.

Repeat back the information. This is a great way to make sure you're listening and fully understanding what is being said. "Okay just so I understand, you said I need--? Did I get that right?"

Write down any further questions as they come to you. Sometimes we don't always get everything we need during these appointments. That's why we have our organization systems in place. Jot it down the second you think of it. Either during the appointment, after the appointment when you're de-stressing and going back over it, and/or even days or weeks later when you're wondering something new.

Keep the new information organized. This is why we get in the habit of our organization systems and immediately recording new information as soon as its said. Because when you get home, the big bad dissociation monster is gonna drag you back down under. So keep it up to date as soon as possible. Keep your file-fax readily available in your daily life so you can easily store and go through all your documents when you need them. Keep it organized, keep it clean, and keep it safe.

De-stress & go over the information at a later time. Spend some time relaxing when it's over. Readjust back to your comfort zone. It's over, and you did an excellent job getting through. That's enough work for this day. Take the rest of the day off and come back to it later in the week to go over anything you might have missed.

🟢 Give yourself some kudos

Hey man, guess what? YOU MADE IT!! Congratulations 🎉 that was really hard to do!! How would you like to celebrate?? Get some ice cream on the way home. Cry it out. Que up your favorite comfort show. It's over! You did it! You never have to do it again!! (Until the next time) shut up and let yourself have the victory!

So yah another long one but I hope this can help. Stay healthy out there folks 🌸

#ptsd #trauma #mental health #healing #dissociation #organization #keeping track #boundaries #communication #appointments #health care #daily living #coping skills #how to cope #advice #life advice #recovering from abuse #abusive parents #emotional regulation #bpd #did #adhd #actually adhd #actually traumatized

[standupcomedyhistorian]

Good morning, everyone!

It is Bo Burnham's 33rd birthday today! 🥳

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BO! You've got seven more years to go per your last birthday song haha 😉

It is also my last day in my intensive therapy program. I feel SO much lighter and happier than when I started. I never thought it was possible! 🥰

I just wanted to again thank everyone who's supported me through the HARDEST month of my entire life.

The combination of being suicidal and then my ex asking for divorce on July 26th—one day after I was admitted to the psych ward—felt like the world was collapsing around me.

But I found the strength to open up during group sessions (EVERYONE at the hospital knew I love Bo's stuff haha), and some very special people there gave me the courage to go on living. Thank you, Alexia, for playing Bo's music in the gym and Donte for giving me a soft fleece blanket (the sheets were SO itchy) so I could finally sleep again.

Special shout-out to my sister. Jill has been there for me since we were kids (she's 4 years younger than me), and we've weathered the same shit from our awful parents and both have complex trauma because of it. I'm more sensitive than her in general and internalize things, but she sent me two videos that changed my whole perspective.

The first was Brent Charleton and his chart of the Ego States. This helped me reconfigure how my thinking was constantly making things worse in life. I'm basically a teenager learning to be an adult in my mind, and that is OKAY. I am learning to heal my wounded inner child, and she is thankful for the emotional support when she had none from her narcissistic mother and enabling father growing up.

The second was Tim Fletcher's series on shame. This is incredibly hard to watch (I recommend taking as many breaks as you need), but I promise you it gets SO much better when you let go of shame. All shame does is make us feel miserable...it is SO not worth it to live that way!

I know this all sounds like nonsense to most of you, but I was ready to kill myself because the intrusive thoughts had become unbearable. If you're at that state too, please watch one of these videos—I PROMISE it can get better 🌈

What made me realize my self-worth was watching my interview with Quentin Stuckey about my website. I could hardly believe that I could APPEAR that personable and happy when I was secretly dying inside.

Thank you so much, Quentin, for giving me the opportunity to be on your podcast, and I hope the weather gets better in Europe soon! 💗

And, last but not least, I have a brand-new interview with one of the most creative and inspirational Bo content creators I've had the pleasure of talking to: Dylan Case.

Please make it a priority to watch his 38-minute parody of Inside here—he is an absolute GEM and I will support his comedy career in any way I can! 🙌🏼

Thanks, everyone. I didn't think I would still be here on July 25th, but I'm glad I stayed. ✌🏼🐔

#bo burnham #happy birthday bo #i'm turning 33 #not me #bo is #I'm 41 haha #suicide prevention #please reach out to someone #i am always here if you are struggling #intrusive thoughts #complex trauma #cptsd recovery #shame is the root of it ALL #and BOY the Catholic church did NOT help #especially since I am bisexual and hid that for years too #be your authentic self #inside bo burnham #bo burnham inside #30 #7 years to go #standupcomedyhistorian #I love you all #and I feel lighter and happier now #wounded inner child #tim fletcher #shame #both of these videos help with cptsd #brent charleton

[the-ferocious-kittyrose]

Canon Fnaf lore? I don’t know her. Anyways here’s my insane ramblings about William Afton’s backstory and motives.

William Afton didn’t have the best upbringing. His dad saw some fucked up shit fighting in WW2 and didn’t come back quite the same, he wasn’t awful, just distant and drunk. His mom had been dealing with intense depressive episodes for years, and with trauma of losing family in the war and her husband shutting her out, she tragically committed suicide. Young William dealt with this by simply not dealing with it and buried down any negative emotions he may have until it became a searing white core of pure rage that would occasionally explode on people that didn’t really deserve it.

In school, William did extremely well in his classes, and extremely poor in his social life. He was very charismatic and animated but but his peers often found him strange and unsettling, so he struggled to form any real friendships. Until he meet Henry Emily in college. Henry was very laidback, kind, and extremely social. William was jealous of him at first. He both envied and admired how Henry could charm anyone, including William himself. Henry was impressed by how smart William was and appreciated his childish and occasionally morbid sense of humor. They bonded over a shared interest in robotics and music. They spent many drunken nights improvising stupid songs in cartoony voices, William strumming a guitar and Henry singing into a beer bottle microphone. They got the idea to open “Fredbear’s Family Dinner” while at a county fair, when they saw a guy in a cheep pig costume trip over a child.

William’s affection for Henry slowly morphed into something unhealthy. Henry was the first person William connected with on an emotional level. He was happy with Henry. They were real friends. They loved each other. And William was addicted to that love. Henry became his soul source of emotional fulfillment and he was terrified of loosing him. He would get jealous and bitter whenever Henry would hanging out with a new friend/girlfriend, even subtly trying to drive them away or sabotage the relationship. Henry knew that William loved him (probably more than most men love their platonic friends) and that William would get jealous over him, but he just chalked it up to William being lonely, and reminded oblivious to the true extent of the issue.

William got married mostly out of societal obligation. It’s not that he disliked his wife, Laura was friendly, pretty, supportive, everything a wife should be, it’s just that he never really wanted a wife. He had never connected with anyone he had tried to date, and realized pretty quick he had to sorta “fake it till you make it” when it came to romantic/sexual relationships with women. The idea of having to “fake it” for years wasn’t very appealing, but he recognized it was something he had to do to fit in amongst his peers. He would play the role of the loving bread winning husband, doing everything a husband is supposed to do to keep up the image, but emotionally he just wasn’t into it. This sucked for Laura of course, who felt emotionally neglected in their marriage. She thought that having children would bring them closer, and while it briefly succeeded in getting her more attention, things always went back to normal soon after.

William’s relationship with his oldest son, Michael, was complicated. He had never wanted children, and while he cared about his son, it was more so as an extension of himself rather than as his own individual. (Did how I phrased that make any sense???) He wanted Michael to be an idealized version of himself and would get frustrated when he didn’t meet that expectation. He also kinda missed the memo that parents are supposed to spend time with their kids. William was a workaholic and would have months long periods where he would completely lose himself in his work, completely blind to the world around him. As a result, Michael would act out at home and at school to get attention, because any attention was good attention. William did not have the patience to deal with with Michael’s nonsense, and was getting angrier and angrier about his sons embarrassing misbehavior. Laura tried explaining he just wanted attention, but he still didn’t get it. The kid had wealthy parents, friends, toys, video games, he had so much more than William had as a kid, so what more could he possibly want?

William had a much better relationship with his next child, Elizabeth. Laura had demanded he be more involved this time around because she was not going to be raising two kids by herself. He offered to hire a live in nanny to help her out and she threw a toaster at him. He was dreading another Michael, but he was pleasantly surprised. Elizabeth was much better behaved, she had an attitude, but her smart mouth was more funny than anything. She was also a huge daddy’s girl. She always wanted to be attached at his hip when he was home, William found it annoying at first, but as time past he grew to genuinely enjoy her company. He had always heard people talk about parental love, and he was always pretty sure people were exaggerating about it, especially after having his first kid, but now he was starting to get it. He would spoil her rotten.

Tragically, her life was cut short. William had decided to open his own separate company “Funtime Toys and Animatronics.” At the grand opening, something went wrong with the wiring and the factory caught fire. The building was evacuated, but Elizabeth had wandered away to admire the animatronics/toys and got left behind. As William was standing outside, watching millions of dollars go up in flames, Laura came up to him with the boys. He asked her where Elizabeth was and she said she thought she was with him. They searched the crowd but they couldn’t find her. Slowly they accepted the horrifying truth, she was still in the building. It was a tragic event for the whole family, but it really hit William in a strange way. He had dealt with death and grief before, but it was different this time and he didn’t know why. The whole situation brought back unpleasant memories of his mother’s death, except this time It was much harder for him to just bury it down, especially because everybody in town knew about it and wouldn’t leave him alone. He took to drinking and drug use to cope with the situation. He also started spending more of his free time with Henry to make himself feel better.

William’s youngest son Evan had a rough life. He was born shorty before his sister died, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he had several health and developmental issues that made his life infinitely more difficult. After Elizabeth’s death, William became very paranoid, and controlling. He installed cameras everywhere and gave his kids little to no privacy. He was still busy at work or otherwise out of the house most of the time, but he would monitor everything going on in the house through the cams. The kids never knew when they were being watched. Evan developed severe anxiety and was bullied because of it. William was aware that Even was being bullied (mostly by his brother) and he would stop it when he could but he was sorta pre occupied with work and his own declining mental health. It didn’t help that Evan was kinda scared of him (as well as most people), and didn’t like talking to him about sensitive stuff. William would mostly talk to Evan through the speakers in his toys.

Evan’s death was horrific. His head was crushed like a watermelon under a hydraulic press. William had been outside smoking with Henry when it happened. They went back inside when they heard the commotion and William was confronted with the image of his youngest son, practically headless, laying in a pool of blood and brain matter. Michael was ghostly pale as William screamed in his face, “WHAT DID YOU DO!? WHAT DID YOU DO!?” He threw Michael to the side and knelt to examine Even’s body. He was dead. There was no question. William was feeling a lot of things, none of them good. He was breathing heavy and raked his bloody fingers through his hair as his ragged breath turned to deep deranged laughter. He turned to Michael, blood dripping from his face and hands, and began laughing hysterically, wildly gesturing and pointing in his direction, as Michael backed away, quietly sobbing that he was sorry. William’s drinking and drug use got worse from that point on. He became a bitter shell of the man he once was. Two of his children were dead and his passion project he built with his best friend was being shut down.

Michael was not having a good time. First he had a dad that was always disappointed in him, then his little sister comes along and gets treated like a little princess, then his sister fucking dies and their dad becomes a crazy controlling alcoholic who won’t let you take a shit in peace. He had a lot of pent up anger, and he took it out on his little brother more often than not, but he had never meant for it to end up the way it did. And now, his life was literal Hell. If nearly being charged with manslaughter wasn’t bad enough, his father hated his guts. He would hardly ever talk to him except to yell at him or to deliver bitter accusatory remarks. William was completely delusional by this point. Not only did he blame Michael for Evan’s death and Fredbear’s closing, but he had also convinced himself that Michael was also responsible for Elizabeth’s death. It made no sense but William had it in his head that he had killed her out of jealousy. One night, Michael was laying in bed trying to fall asleep when he heard his bedroom door creak open. He laid still, pretending to be asleep as footsteps approached him from across the room. He felt a presence standing over him, staring at him. His eyes were closed but he knew he was being watched, and he was overcome with a feeling of pure dread. The figure stood over him for what felt like hours as he was frozen in fear, sure he was about to die. Finally, he heard quick footsteps exiting the room and the door closing behind them. Michael was always intimidated by his father, but now he was terrified of him.

William’s relationship with Henry was on the rocks. Henry noticed William’s declining mental health and self destructive tendencies after Elizabeth’s death. It wasn’t pretty, but he loved him, and he knew he had to be there for his friend in his time of need. But things didn’t get any better. In fact, they just got worse. William was borderline unrecognizable after Even’s death. He went from clingy to a full on stalker. It was starting to freak Henry out, as well as his young daughter Charlie. The final straw for Henry was when he was at William’s house and witnessed him having a violent meltdown where he blew up at Michael over seemingly nothing and yelled that he wanted him dead while swinging a kitchen knife around like a mad man. Henry managed to get the knife from him and calm him down, but he was horrified by the encounter. The next time William came over to his house, Henry refused to let him in. He let him know, in no uncertain terms, that their friendship/partnership was over. William freaked the fuck out. He was panicking, banging on the door begging Henry to let him in. He switched rapidly between sobbing and begging for forgiveness, and furiously yelling obscenities and threats, throwing potted plants at the door in anger. William felt betrayed and abandoned. He believed that since he was in pain, he was automatically entitled to his friend’s sympathy and comfort, and he was furious that that wasn’t the case.

William went on a bender that night, aimlessly driving drunk through the rain. He couldn’t tell you why but he drove to “Freddy Fazzbear’s Pizza.” He didn’t plan it. He didn’t know that Charlie was there. He didn’t know that Charlie had gotten locked outside. It was a spur of the moment thing. Charlie recognized his car and turned to look at him as he stepped out. She could smell the alcohol through the rain, his hair was unruly and his eyes were red and glossed over, almost lifeless. She became frightened as he hobbled towards her, struggling to walk upright and using his car for support. She tried to back away, tried to turn and run when he reached for her, but he was too fast. He lunged forward and grabbed her by the throat, squeezing until her body went limp. Henry had abandoned him. He didn’t want to kill Henry, he wanted to hurt him, so he inflicted his own pain onto him.

Charlie’s body was found a little over an hour later. Henry felt the world cave in around him. He knew William had done it. The man who had been his best friend for years, someone he trusted, someone he loved, had just murdered his little girl. He strangled her and left her body out in the rain with the dirty trash and garbage cans. He was seeing red as he drove to William’s house in the early hours of the morning. He was pounding on the door demanding to be let in. When Laura opened it he stormed past her, slamming her into a wall. He went on a rampage through the house, practically tearing up the floor boards looking for William. When it became obvious that he wasn’t there, Henry broke down crying, apologizing to Laura and Michael, who looked on terrified. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

William was on the run. He drove for hours before stopping. His life was over. Now that Henry was gone, he had nothing left. He looked down at his hands, covered in tiny red scratch marks, reminding him of what he’d done, of what he was now. He had always had violent thoughts and disturbing daydreams, but he had always repressed them as best he could. It had gotten harder over the years, but he still struggled. He didn’t want to be a murderer, but he was now. He had killed a child. What he’d done was unforgivable, and there was no coming back. But now that he had lost everything, he had nothing left to loose.

(You know what happens next. If you want me to continue, let me know.)

#i’m not a writer #so cut me some slack #i decided #to change how Elizabeth died #because the way she died in canon was just kinda silly #there’s something especially tragic about it just being a random thing #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fnaf au #fnaf lore #william afton #micheal afton #elizabeth afton #evan afton #henry emily #charlotte emily #mrs afton #willry

[theweirdwideweb]

Well I've really scared the shit outta the people who care about me in the past 24 hours. Including me! I started EMDR therapy about two months ago, which is a special therapy for trauma where you process memories with the aid of eye movements. It sounds like bullshit, but I have never been effected by therapy this way. They told me to choose a less traumatic memory to start with and we have been working on it for three full sessions. The "less traumatic" memory I chose actually wound up being heavily connected to all these painful issues I'm grappling with recently: body dysmorphia, social isolation, social rejection, self image, self worth, fearing others, fearing myself. ALL this shit. And these eye movements are somehow unlocking these pent up bodily emotions to the point where I am feeling bad. On top of that June 28th was my 2 year alcohol sobriety milestone and 1 year nicotine milestone. This year I decided to quit smoking weed. I had become reliant on it again, as I have been for almost all of my adult life. So I'm dealing with all these intense bodily emotions connected to my very sense of identity---every fear and insecurity I have is just being rattled continuously. Then I quit smoking weed two weeks ago. At first it was fine. Yes, I was having big feelings but that's good actually! Yes! Working through that shit. But I begin to feel worse and worse. I am really going through something in my life right now. I cut ties with my only close friend, I'm essentially friendless if you only count people I see irl regularly. And it's also rattling alll these insecurities for me. I began to feel the situation was hopeless. The problem is too big, it's too late, it's not fixable---it's just who I am. I have a fear that there is something about me which I can't control which repels people. My looks, how I carry myself, my behavior---something makes me fundamentally weird, revolting, unlovable. Like people pity me or are afraid of me. Heavy shit, right? Recently I've had some violently depressive episodes. It's a kind of darkness I rarely experience. So last night I'm at the movies. I went by myself. I go to the movies by myself pretty often actually, at least once a week. Anyway so I'm at this movie and it's getting crowded in the theater. There's multiple groups of people sitting in every row --- except for my row. Not a single other person sat in my row. It was a prime row! This is just dinging every one of these deep dark fears once again. I'm looking at all these people with their friends and lovers sitting in the rows in front of me. The move starts and I could feel the empty seat next to me. It was like a cold, empty, bottomless void, and I could feel it inside myself too. It was purely an emotional state, not really any thoughts behind it, and I didn't have the specific thought that I wanted to kill myself, no plan no nothing like that, but I know that is how people feel before they commit suicide. I touched something dark. So this stupid Nicolas Cage movie is going and I'm sitting there trying to pretend I'm fine but inside my head I'm trying to figure out what to do. I figure---anything I have to do to stop feeling this way is acceptable. Fuck your sobriety. Do anything to stop this. It was thunderstorming as I left the theater and I parked way down the block and there's lighting everywhere. I'm walking in the rain with no umbrella and I'm so cold. I get in my car and turn up the heat and I'm saying to stuff to myself like, "Just go home. Just gooo home." I had to pass home on my way to the liquor store and I honestly didn't know which one I was going to until I pulled into my own parking lot. I was completely rattled all night. I told on myself to my sisters right away. This morning I spoke to them again and decided to cancel EMDR this week and start smoking weed as soon as possible. Called out of work. Went to my sister's house and got some weed from her. Went to therapy. We came up with a safety plan. I called out of work again tomorrow. My only job for the next few days is relax.

#tw suicide

[system-of-a-feather]

Less moody about it cause - actually no equally moody but less bothered by it if that makes sense - but as much as I am glad to be working through the gender stuff with the system, or rather for the system until now, finding out just how deep this rabbit hole of misery goes fucking sucks and is literally draining as shit.

I think I'm getting fatigued cause I've been bearing it on my own for what, like three years? Solely to give Riku the time to focus and catch up on healing sexual trauma (which I've been responsible for monitoring and guiding them through) and so that Ray - who is our stability backbone - didn't have to endure or risk his stability for longer than needed when little could be done (cite Riku's sexual trauma being a blocking point for any genuine deep thought on gender at the time)

Like, in hindsight, and Riku pointed this out the other day, but in a polyfragmented system that is majorily transmasc, I'm the only part that has actively stayed focus on this and have kept a very intense tab and focus on it while juggling being the ferryman for Riku's sexual trauma recovery, the advocate for EPs for like a year and a half of that time, and the Persecutor Breaking-In Guy like

It's totally fair for me to "start getting burnt out" and if anything its really impressive that I am only NOW getting burnt out being the only one dealing with a topic that regularly makes me suicidal (not active but not passive either, a secret third thing - active but absolutely not doing it)

And honestly though, having dealt with that and been the ferryman through trauma processing of CSA shit for like 3 years and forcing persecutors to communicate their trauma and issues effecticely to help them, I REALLY don't get why anyone would think someone would CHOOSE to be trans or that it is anything but a group of people just trying to live life with a fucking shitty hand

Like I'm sure others would disagree, but as someone with a lot of trauma thats carried less experienced trauma holders through living inspite of what happened to them, dysphoria is literally the only mental / psychological / physical means of suffering that has ever had me **depressed properly** rather than any form of depression or hurt that immediately turns into a burning fire and rage of some sort

Literally raising myself, being a trained dog, regularly handing my dad his own ass on a plate in fights, dealing with an oppressive DID system, fucking America existing, first hand and second hand shit with sexual trauma, betrayal from the person who was supposedly our "only support" - literally dysphoria is the top dog of a beast I have ever had to push through

And the fact that some people minimize how much people with dysphoria could be struggling? It just blows me the fuck away

If you gave me the option to solve our dysphoria and all its complications in a snap or resolve our trauma and all its complications in a snap I would rapidly click dysphoria without hesitation and without consulting the system

Cause at this point I am the Trauma King. I'm the best at handling it and Im (at least one of) the best at dragging parts through Trauma Coping 101. And I'm also the dysphoria king, and as it is such a hypothetical situation would fall into my domain to make decisions on since I have the largest breath and experience with both

And it would be such an easy decision I kid you not.

But anyways, this is equally for the trauma / DID community as it is for the trans community. And for the transfolk out there, good god know your misery is valid and you arent being dramatic or asking for too much to have people respect you and make small changes to make your suffering slightly less

It shouldn't be needed, but if you need a socially normalized right to validate your hurt and need for aid, this post stands here as verification as a survivor of a shit ton of traumas that the suffering is absolutely, at the very least, comparable. If people can understand how bad it is to have to deal with PTSD let alone the shit thay gives you DID (diagnosed), there is at least one person out there that says dysphoria is more unbearable.

So what with all the American stages of transgenocide going on especially in America, I just wanted to let you know that they are the fucking atrocious people and whatever garbage transphobes say that might make you question your "choice" throw it in the fucking garbage.

Being trans isnt easy and wouldnt be anyones choice with how bullshit it can be

#alter: xiv #transgender #transphobia #transphobia tw #trans genocide #trans genocide tw #ftm #mtf #transman #trans man #trans woman #transwoman #trans #trans feminine #transfem #nonbinary #enby #dissociative identity disorder #did #actuallydid #osdd #ptsd #c-ptsd #xiv rambles #feel free to reblog this #or comment or add on or whatever #if you want to tell me my statement is wrong cause you have a different expeirence #go fuck yourself #vulgar tw

[ina-nis]

The barriers to accessing treatment keep on pilling up...

“Affordable” therapy that isn’t really affordable. Therapists who offer low cost and/or sliding fee are limited to certain places and professionals, and the waiting times are immoral.

The “specialties” are focused on resolving “simpler” issues that impact quality of life. Even when you can find something more particular (such as trauma-informed, or queer-specific), it only goes skin-deep.

Maybe this is how I see things now, since I have years of treatment on my back. Personally, it feels like it’s not enough, it doesn’t reach the root of the issue and... I’m on a stalemate.

There’s 2 things that feel especially sour for me, considering my personal circumstances: the fact that professionals (and clinics themselves) are not willing to take upon patients that are suicidal, and the fact that all therapy is supposed to do is to get a person to achieve a degree of functioning and decrease suffering.

In the latter, I feel I’m 100% functional. I can take care of myself, I’m lucid and I’m able to do basically everything on my own (taking into account limitations due to physical and other psychological conditions). I’m already doing everything within my power to “decrease suffering” that is... all those things you see out there about exercising, diet, hobbies, going outside regularly, sleep hygiene, self-care, etc... they all, indeed, decrease suffering.

I’m still suffering though. At times, I feel like it’s worsening actually, the activities I engage with to “decrease suffering” end up having the opposite effect so... I feel like, slowly, some of those activities are augmenting suffering instead.

It makes sense considering treatments and “solutions” for all kinds of issues have “standards” and these standards, in practice, don’t really apply to everyone.

When I was in the process of getting a diagnosis for chronic pain, I was told I “should exercise more”. Yeah... I guess I didn’t think about that, huh? The funny thing is that I’ve been always a very active person, one of the reasons I started pursuing a diagnosis was because I was unable to exercise.

I guess it’s trickier in the realm of mental illnesses, because oftentimes, they’re “invisible” conditions. Of course, a doctor will see me suicidal and suffering and assume my sleep/diet is bad, I don’t exercise, don’t go outside and don’t have any hobbies. When you do tell them that, then the answer is “therapy”.

And you go to therapy, where the exact same assumptions will occur because that’s usually how it goes.

My impression so far is that I need to do everything “harder” and “stronger”, as if I were doing those activities lightly, and this is why they’re not working. The intensity or amount don’t really make a difference in my suffering, but it will surely leave me more and more exhausted. And it’s all such a horrible trigger for obsessive-compulsive behaviours: I obsess over sleeping well (so I put myself through a very strict schedule), I obsess over my diet (I have a million eating disorders), I obsess over exercising and my hobbies and going outside (so I force myself to do these things whether I want it or not), I obsess over self-care (so the inside of my head is a echo-chamber, from which I can’t escape), and so on...

Not surprisingly, my sleep is shit, my diet is shit, and everything else is also harming me in a way or another, but I (feel like I) need to keep on going because “this is also part of the treatment”.

The other piece, suicidality, from what I understand, is about professionals and spaces not wanting to take accountability or be held responsible for someone else’s life - many explicitly will exclude people who are “in active psychosis” or “suffering with homicidal or suicidal urges”, etc, so... the patients need to have some degree of functionality, and achieve some level of “normalcy” to be able to receive treatment.

Well, okay then, what are the options for me? I’m suicidal but I’m no in imminent danger of dying so I don’t want to access mental health crisis resources because they would not be helpful for me in my current state. At the same time, this is something that’s affecting both my quality of life and functioning as I’m unable to, among other things, seek and maintain stable employment or a support system. Trapped in poverty, unable to afford treatment as well, and so on... predictably, all things that increase suicidality.

I either have to lie to, maybe, receive treatment, mention suicide during therapy and have it become a shitshow because the therapist thinks I’m going to die ASAP, don’t listen to me and everything goes to shit. Or I do mention it beforehand and am barred from receiving care altogether until I’m “stable enough”. Regardless, I feel like I have to lie and water down my issues to be seen as “normal” and palatable and not have my autonomy taken away from me.

The last thing, and I guess the thing that stings the most, is the fact that anything that doesn’t “improve” with the most common styles of treatment, therapy, coping skills and self-care approaches, fall into “treatment resistant” territory.

To me, the answer and the reason why that happens is quite simple: it gets to a point that it’s not an individual fault anymore.

I have to believe in this. I’m doing already everything I can to get better, if I’m not getting better there must be another explanation that doesn’t have to do with me and my efforts. I have had my share of self-blaming and it didn’t help, it never does. At least blaming literally anything or anyone other than myself doesn’t corner me into despair. I can try and have some hope I’ll find a way out.

Maybe you think it’s hard to believe? Society is built upon ableism, culturally, socio-economically and more. Oh, I wonder why things like schizophrenia, eating disorders and depression are so hard to treat... I’m sure it has nothing to do with stigma, sanism and demonization of mental disorders, neurodivergent and fat people, it also has nothing to do with increasing rates of violence and discrimination, oppression, capitalism, the political climate, the environment that’s falling apart... I could keep going.

In my personal case: personality disorders are deemed difficult (if not straight up impossible) to treat, and people with personality disorders are to be avoided at all costs, left to remain marginalized or just thrown under the bus, as collateral damage or worse. Who the fuck cares about these “sickos”, right?

I care. I have to care.

As it stands, my mind is set on dying so I need to keep on going despite it all. It’s hard... experiencing rejection upon rejection, so many doors closing, so many opportunities gone to waste, so much time that has been lost and can’t be recovered. Trying the best I can, doing all these things that are supposed to help, smiling through it all, being positive through it all, trying to keep my head up and stay optimistic through it all.

My mind, I, don’t see another way out. It’s just a matter of time now.

I’m sure I would definitely improve with the right treatment, the right professional and the right amount of time - I know I would because I still feel like I’m so close to finding a satisfactory answer(s) - but when I’m faced with reality, the lack of a support system gets to me, and so do all these barriers to accessing treatment, and so does existing in a society that either/or don’t care about me, don’t see me and don’t want me here.

I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to live a miserable life either.

It is all really painful after all...

#avpd #avoidance #avoidant #Avoidant Personality Disorder #inanis post

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

Now this may sound crazy but hear me out. Laito x Kou x Subaru

tw // incest, dark themes, non-con. this post is dark asf. if you don't like that kind of stuff, scroll tf on.

tagging this as incest n shit because i'm not going into this lightly. we all know i love problematic ships. this isn't crazy, this is GENIUS. this has SO MUCH awful toxic potential.

the first thing which makes these 3 an AWFUL combination is the fact that these guys are the 3 characters in DL who i think have BPD. they're all different sub-types. i wrote a post here about why i think subaru has BPD (borderline personality disorder) again i want to make it clear that having BPD does not make somebody inherently abusive. i have BPD too, been diagnosed for 2 years, in therapy for 2 and half years, and medicated heavily for the past year. so again, i know what i'm talking about. if you want to read more about BPD, check out that post first.

and like i said before, people with undiagnosed/untreated BPD can do some really shitty things. it's a trauma response and an explanation for some behaviours, but it's not an excuse.

there's four sub-types of BPD (i'm petulant) and these are what i think subaru, kou and laito have:

Subaru - self-destructive (intense feelings of self-loathing and bitterness, turn to self-destructive behaviours)

Kou - impulsive (difficulty with impulse control, high risk of suicide attempts - kou is the character with the biggest history of suicide attempts)

Laito - petulant (strong need to manipulate or control others, experience dissatisfaction and possessiveness in relationships)

it doesn't take a professional to look through that combination and think, God, without any kind of help or intervention, that'd be FUCKED.

obviously laito isn't a stranger to incest and since subaru was also born out of incest, i feel like there'd be a sense of self-fulfilling prophecy combined with a desire to be loved. if being in a toxic relationship makes him feel like shit then he'd probably take this as being deserved.

i think this twisted fucked up polyam relationship would probably start with subaru and kou being together. i really wouldn't put it past kou to cheat on subaru with laito, especially if laito set his sights on kou and decided he wanted him.

once subaru finds out about kou cheating, i think kou could probably manipulate him into staying, but then somehow laito comes in. at first, i'd say subaru and laito would compete for kou.

since laito has this very strong belief that if you're happy in love, you haven't been hurt enough, i can imagine him going in to hurt subaru, simply out of jealousy that subaru wasn't hurt the way he was by cordelia. i'd say that's where the incest comes in.

i would not be surprised at all if the first instances of sex between laito and subaru was non-consensual. when kou found out he'd definitely be mad but laito is very good at manipulation and i can imagine him coaxing kou into thinking the 3 of them should all be in a relationship.

from that point, i think it'd be a clusterfuck of manipulation, possessiveness and jealousy. if two of them hook up, the other is mad and jealous. this fic has a chapter where laito gets subaru off then kou comes along like "you're mind back off laito". furthermore, kou has a history of suicide attempts both as a kid and in canon (dark fate, dark 10/epilogue) and i DEFINITELY think he'd use that against them.

laito is the most controlling and would definitely love-bomb then pull away. subaru would probably be the one in the most awkward position but he's bold when he needs to be and i can imagine him doing self-destructive shit when the fear of abandonment kicks in.

with that said...

all three of them CAN be incredibly loyal and loving. when they're not in fights or jealous battles competing for each other's attention, i think they'd have fun doing things together. i can 10000% see them getting drunk or doing drugs together. god, don't let me go off on a tangent and talk about them being drug addicts too. not to mention, when they're in a loving mood, i think the threesomes would be WILD, in a good way.

so, yeah, i think this a good ship IF you like problematic stuff.

#ask #anon #// incest #again this is NOT going in the main tag #don't like don't read

[tetsunabouquet]

I'm currently stuck at trauma memory lane so I need to vent for a bit. The inciting moment was remembering how my mom isn't coming home during the lunch break as she's going shopping when I really wanted to do so with her tomorrow so we'd have a nice moment together as with my exam stress and her working, we have very few family moments currently. Sunday she is already 'taken' as she is going to meet up with someone she hasn't seen in years. I wouldn't mind this at all if it was an old friend or something, but no, the person she's seeing (and why she is shopping right now) is her hag of an older sister. She's one of the primary reasons why I'd like to be a family person but I am not because of the hurt. Whilst she never said it to my face directly, my mom due to her BPD, shared some instances where she talked with my aunt about me and my aunt said crude remarks about me, likely because it hurt my mom but it only caused me to share the pain and hate my aunt. There are three instances where her remarks are unforgivable to me. I am not sure if I mentioned the 1st in a post or if it was just in a conversation with a mutual but in chronological order here they go; My birth. My mom didn't even want her present but her friend who was present called my aunt anyways. Know that my birth was a traumatic experience for my mom. I actually got stuck in the womb during birth and was basically suffocating to death inside of her. By the time the doctors got me out, my skin had already turnt a dark blueish purple and I had to stay at the IC for a while. I do not know all the details, but they did allow my mom to hold me before they took me to the IC. The first thing my aunt ever said to me? She called my feet weird- I have a toe deformity remember? Her sister was lying there traumatized and her niece dying! Yet judging her niece for her deformed toes was the thing that was on her mind?! I am sorry, but how big of an asshole can you be in that moment?! The second thing was how unsupportive she was to my mom before I was diagnosed with autism. Because I grew up around drug violence, had a deadbeat dad and was shunned by most of the other kids, I was already walking around with suicidal ideations at the tender age of 5. Aside from the few kids who were nice to me, my memories prior to my diagnosis are one big blur because of the trauma. If I try to focus on that blur, I feel like I am falling into a pit of darkness and get the intense urge to cry. My aunt? She only wrote me off as a manipulative liar when my mom sought her support. As someone with (C-)PTSD, those words really cut deep. That period in my life is the start of my history with trauma and I'd never lie about something like that. I'd never lie about the suicidal ideations I struggle with since my literal childhood. The tears are flowing from my eyes at that accusation as we speak. Whilst the third trauma isn't as severe it is really complex on its own. Her oldest daughter is only 6 months older then me and because ours moms look alike and I've got strong Roma genes through my dad and her father being Indonesian, we even both have that 'do you have Asian ancestry or not?' thing going on. Which led to us being compared from instance to another and developping a bit of a rivalry during childhood and because my cousin also has BPD there were times where she would become violent with me and my mom would need to take me home from family gatherings so my cousin could calm down. Aside from my aunt never apologizing to me on the behalf of her daughter for these things, there was this one instance where I, when I was like 6, had stuffed my shirt and pretended to have big boobs. My aunt immediately wrote me off and made the prediction that I would become horribly promiscuous and whatnot. Unlike her, I don't mean to slutshame so quickly but 20 years later and I am still a virgin. Whereas my cousin did shit like posting a picture of her kissing her female friend on social media, not because she's queer but for attention when she was in her teens...

#tetsutalk #venting #trauma #why can't that bitch just stay away #my mom doesn't even wants to go so why is she chosing meeting her sister over family quality time with me?! #There is still this place that she promised to take me to forever

[manie-sans-delire-x]

hey i really have no one to talk to so basically i had sex with this guy last and i did if bc i’m very suicidal right now this guy raped me 2 years ago (had sex while i was unconscious) but i had sex like 4 times with him after that incident (bc i hate myself) but last night it’s the first time having sex in almost a year for me and i left feeling so anxious i feel like his energy is on me and in me idk i am so anxious right now and can’t stop thinking about kms but not like before bc the anxiety is making me scared. and yes i know all this sounds so fucked up i am beyond… the sex was also so shit like at one point he was fucking me with a pillow over my head and for the record i’m not ugly i’m way way hotter than him

Damn anon, I relate quite a lot. Im glad youre reaching out and willing to talk about this cuz I know there can be a lot of shame and confusion involved.

So to recap- you were already in a bad headspace, suicidal (how long has that been?). Then you met with a guy who raped you 2 yrs ago (who reached out to who?). You and he had sex. You attribute this to hating yourself. And youve seen him 4 other times over two yrs so its a fairly ongoing pattern. Accurate?

Lets talk further about why. Why did you sleep with him? Do you think its purely because as you said, you hate yourself, and so its a method of self harm? What are some other reasons?Sounds like hes not attractive, the sex is shit, and you know you could do better. So is there any draw to it at all? Excitement? Liking the roughness or emotional intensity of it (to an extent)? The compulsion to relive trauma? Because you think you deserve it? Personal horniness? Socialization/touch due to being lonely and touchstarved? Are you ever high or drunk during these meetings?

How does he act about all of this? Did you ever confront him about the initial rape? Does he ever treat you well?

(Feel free to pm me- would be easier to chat)

#asks

[thebibliosphere]

Just saw a spicy hot take in the notes of an ADHD post that was like “adhd isn’t a mood disorder stop making excuses” from a supposed fellow ADHD person and like yes, ADHD is not exclusively a mood disorder. It’s 4 of them hiding under a trench coat with 15 other neurological disorders. And also:

ID, a screen grab from an article that reads: About 70 percent of adults with ADHD report problems with emotional dysregulation, going up to 80 percent in children with ADHD. In clinical terms, these problem areas include:

-Irritability: issues with anger dysregulation – “tantrum” episodes as well as chronic or generally negative feelings in between episodes.

-Lability: frequent, reactive mood changes during the day.

-Recognition: the ability to accurately recognize other people’s feelings. Individuals with ADHD may tend to not notice other people’s emotions until pointed out.

-Affective intensity: felt intensity – how strongly an emotion is experienced. People with ADHD tend to feel emotions very intensely.

-Emotional dysregulation: global difficulty adapting emotional intensity or state to situation.

/end ID. (Source)

Like not to be wildly and irrationally peeved about this, but bully for you if you don’t experience this as part of your ADHD, but over 70% of us do and saying we’re making excuses or not trying hard enough is the exact same shit neurotypicals say to invalidate us, and causes us real harm. Please don’t do the same thing. Trauma inflicted by neurotypicals is a huge part of why living with ADHD is so difficult. We don’t need it from within our own community too.

We all experience this shit show disorder differently. It’s a spectrum of one size fits no one, not a cookie cutter mold to fit into.

And yeah, you know what, this shit isn’t an excuse to behave badly, but you know what, knowing emotional dysregulation is a symptom of ADHD helps you to treat it and work on getting a handle on it. Knowing the reason it feels like the world is ending in your chest because something bad happened, and knowing it’s because your gremlin brain is perpetually starved for dopamine so there’s no cushion for the raw emotional feedback currently happening can help you, with practice, to curb the impulsive desire to do something rash or harmful.

I mean, fuck, there’s a reason for why suicide is so prevalent in ADHD, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that impulsivity and severe emotional dysregulation is a part of that.

Knowing that the feeling will end and isn’t an accurate reflection of the situation, overwhelmingly painful as it is in the moment, can help. It does help. So denying this aspect as part of ADHD? Not helpful, and you need to take some time to sit with your thoughts and see why you want to distance yourself so much from this to the point of invalidating others.

#adhd #actually adhd #adult adhd #neurodivergent #neurodiversesquad #emotional dysregulation #tw: suicide mention #links

[minkdenmilo]

Things You Shouldn’t Say on Twitch - Dono Addition

[Because apparently some people still can’t behave and follow basic Twitch etiquette. Feel free to reblog this as much as you want and add on to this list.]

1. Sexual Comments: Comments calling the streamer daddy, sexy, asking them to rail you, saying you’d want them to kidnap you or do things to you, sexual comments regarding them, their friends, or whoever they are streaming with. Especially if they are a minor or you are a minor. These are real people who are at the end of the day a complete stranger to you so don’t send them weird sexual shit. If you wouldn’t say it to a stranger at the mall- don’t say it in chat or donate it to the streamer.

2. Venting/Trauma: Streamers are not therapists! They are simply young adults (and sometimes minors) trying to entertain. If you need to vent please seek proper help but do not go venting in a dono to a streamer. They are not qualified and it makes them and others watching uncomfortable. Avoid topics such as drug use, intense alcohol use, real life death, self harm, EDs, and especially suicide.

3. Donos Asking Other Streamers Things: If you are watching a stream where the streamer is with a friend do not send in donos asking said streamer to say something or ask something of their friend. I understand if Sapnap is streaming with Quackity you may wanna tell Quackity hello but it is very rude to demand that of Sapnap who is the streamer you are actively watching.

4. Questions Involving Deeply Personal Things: Donos asking a streamer about their sexuality - assuming said streamer has said they are straight or generally not discussed it - questions about their family, love life, or other questions that you would not ask someone you met on the street. Especially avoid questions involving their love life unless the streamer has made it clear they allow it.

5. Disclosing Personal Info: Please do not put your discord info, your Instagram, Snapchat, or other major personal information in a dono to a creator in hopes they will contact you. They are streaming live for thousands or tens of thousands of people and you don’t know who may see this information. Please keep yourself safe.

General Pro Tip

IF YOU WOULD NOT SAY IT TO A STRANGER YOU MET IN THE MALL- DO NOT SAY IT OR DONO IT TO A STREAMER.

#dreamsmp #dsmp #mcyt #twitchstreamers #karljacobs #tommyinnit #sapnap #georgenotfound #dreamwastaken #tubbo #jackmanifold #wilbur soot #technoblade #ranboo #quackity #jschlatt #dreamnotfound #dnf #badboyhalo #skeppy #captainpuffy #awesamdude #talesfromthesmp #punz

[daddyissuesyo]

Monsta X Yandere Headcanons

tw: implied sexual content, non-sexual consent violation, murder, suicide, emotional and physical abuse, harm/endangerment, severed ties with family, vulgarity

seriously guys this is intense

Shownu: The Protector

- you pique his attention and he asks you out, seemingly normal

- becomes obsessed after the first date and captures you on the second

- avoids physical harm unless absolutely "necessary" to keep you in line. manipulates you until feeling as though you failed him.

- reckless, unconditional love

- you can't help but reciprocate a little; he's just so caring & attentive

- vanilla sex, because he loves you

- funds EVERYTHING you could possibly want: fluffy comforters and a massive mattress, personal maids, deluxe coffee maker, stuffed animals that he doesn't let you name, etc.

- you thought your dynamic was normal until you caught him dragging the limp body of the postman that accidentally saw you changing into a shed

- from that day forth you feared him, yet didn't stop loving him

- "you are my entire world. my everything. we need each other. forever and then some."

- will not kill you unless he convinces himself others will and death by his hands is the better option

Minhyuk: The Deluded

- i n f a n t i l i z e r

- pities you, oh so much

- thinks you are a helpless baby in dire need of rescuing

- treats you like a porcelain doll & refuses to let you make even the smallest decision for yourself

- convinced you are just as infatuated and dependent on him as he is you

- on good days, he will draw bubble baths, play card games with you, and play G rated movies, pausing every minute to explain what happened

- on bad days, he will yell at you, bind your limbs, and carve his name into your flesh

- simply doesn't understand your disobedience and grief and takes it out on you, hoping to "knock sense into you"

- unlike many yandere archetypes, he enjoys parading you about like an accessory. has friends come over to admire you

- "i know it's too much for you to understand, but you need my care. where is this behavior coming from? don't you love me?"

- you'll kill yourself before he can, driven to the point of insanity

Kihyun: The Jealous

- no pets. no friends. no contact with the outside world aside from media he approves.

- shelters you like mother gothel

- insists you cut off all male contacts, even family (if you are lgbtq, it's best not to reveal this to him because then you won't even be able to speak to female family members)

- doesn't hesitate to murder any man you won't cut off. forces you to watch.

- comforts you afterward in a sick way

- you have to PLEAD to go anywhere

- if he allows it, you must wear a face covering and stay by his side

- tends to be rough in bed; he lets loose all his pent-up frustrations on you

- isn't COMPLETELY out of touch with his humanity; treats you well on birthdays and holidays and even permits a supervised phone call with your mother

- "you overwhelm me. you fill me with so much joy and so much rage. you'll never know the effect you have on me, sweetheart."

- inevitable murder-suicide in the end. i give it no more than 5 years.

Hyungwon: The Sadist

- it's all a game of cat and mouse to him; he kidnapped you while you slept after stalking for quite some time

- keeps you in chains in his basement

- decorates his home with your missing posters like a real sicko

- will torture the living shit out of you with no remorse. inflicting fractures, head trauma, slicing you open, digit dismemberment, drowning, strappado

- gets off on your fear more than your pain

- unlike the others, he recognizes when you're suffering; he just doesn't care

- destroys your self-worth and self-esteem by berating and insulting you. it's your fault you can't tell he means "I love you"

- sex entails bondage, degradation, and cruel laughter. incorporates pet names like: "bunny," "little lamb," "kitty," etc.

- may get bored of you and seek out a new victim, leaving you inexplicably desperate for his attention (which is all part of his game)

- always comes back to you after he's maimed and fucked who knows how many people. and you let him every time, holding out hope that he'll stay

- "you're never going to escape me. i hope you know that."

- would rather almost kill you and keep reviving you. you're in it for the long haul.

Jooheon: The Two-faced

- like shownu, things begin typically

- gradually shows his hand over time, but you're blinded by your feelings for him (he's a very good faux boyfriend)

- waits until your most vulnerable moment to attack

- strict and often overbearing; will beat you black and blue to the point of unconsciousness

- will actually apologize, but he doesn't stop

- tries to keep things around that you enjoy and allow domestic hobbies (congratulates your accomplishments but doesn't want to fuel your ego too much because then you'll leave him)

- struggles with internal conflict over how to treat you. wishes he could be more lenient but can't bring himself to

- allows you to have family and friends over while he's present

- very good at acting normal, it's scary. will flash you a psycho smile after they leave.

- "i'm sorry things have to be this way. if only you could see... i really do love you."

- kills himself in the end due to guilt

Changkyun: The Unhinged

- yes, yandere are psychotic, but changkyun is another level

- if you try to escape or resist him, he just stares at you with round eyes, slowly growing a grin that turns into a crazy laughing fit

- protects you from outside forces, unaware that he's the greatest danger in your life

- only upside is he takes you out on the town

- slaps across the face. sometimes at random, just to let you know he's in control

- you live on eggshells, unsure if he's in a loving or violent mood

- a strange dichotomy of worshipping you and craving your attention, yet feeling like you should be the one begging for him

- fucks hard and often, but can't look at you after

- owns an industrial freezer and locks you in there until you collapse from hypothermia III

- "w-were you trying to escape? FUCK no. what don't you understand, hon? you're my fucking property."

- will stab you repeatedly in the end, smiling with tears streaming down his face

Would anyone be interested in me developing these characters/storylines further?

#monsta x #monsta x yandere #yandere #monsta x fanfiction #monsta x fanfic #monsta x reaction #monsta x scenarios #monsta x smut #yandere au #shownu #hyungwon #minhyuk #kihyun #jooheon #changkyun #smut #monsta x angst #angst

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 314: ...Or You Live Long Enough to See Yourself Become the Villain

Previously on BnHA: Some random assholes were all “let’s throw exploding spears at All Might and see if it activates his Conqueror’s Haki” and SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS, IT DID!! Elsewhere, Lady Nagant confusingly tried to capture Deku alive by shooting him in the stomach, but to be fair I guess that’s what happens when you send an assassin to do a bounty hunter’s job, so yeah. Deku was all “ouch”, and then because this is a shounen he basically just straight up forgot about it, and did a big fancy Smokescreen thing, and then activated his mildly incomprehensible new ki-blasting quirk which he got from the Third. En and the Third were all “hey Deku maybe let’s not just impulsively activate all this shit in the heat of battle when you don’t know how to use it yet and you’re already injured,” and Deku was all “thanks for the quirks guys but I’ll take it from here” and snuck up on Nagant and grabbed her arm and so now what’s going to happen I wonder.

Today on BnHA: Nagant is all “[shoots Deku again]” because of course she is lol. Deku is all “tell me about AFO!” and Nagant is all “why would I tell you anything?” and then proceeds to tell him her entire life story which is FILLED WITH SO MUCH MURDER, YOU GUYS. Holy shit. So basically she was an assassin for the HPSC, which we already knew, but somehow it’s one thing to know that, and another to actually see her running around capping dudes in the forehead and being covered in more blood than the elevator from The Shining. Anyway, so you’ll never believe it, but all that murder had a negative impact on her psychologically, and eventually led her to question everything she believed about hero society, and so she killed her creepy boss and was promptly sent to Tartarus. This extremely fun chapter ends with Overhaul showing up all “HI, HELLO, I’M STILL HERE”, because for some reason he is still here. Why are you still here, Overhaul.

“the beautiful Lady Nagant” oh you know your audience don’t you Horikoshi

well all right then! so I’m guessing this means that she is not, in fact, going to roll over and die just because Deku’s out here all “GOT YA!” like they’re playing a game or tag or something. ffff may the manga gods have mercy on our young suicidal protagonist

lmao so Deku is all “GOD I’M SO SMART, WHAT A GOOD STRATEGY I HAD, CAPITOL JOB THERE OL’ CHAP, CAPITOL” and lol, okay. I mean, it was a good plan though. but I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop here

“I’ll make you give me information on All for One” well there you go, lol. Deku Angst arc still fully engaged. still no light in his eyes either of course. just a lil chaotic ball of sleep deprivation and rage

lol, fucking THANK YOU though

oh my god what the hell did she do to him lol

did she shoot him with her elbow??? fucking look at this?? THIS IS WHY WE LISTEN TO HAWKS oh my god Deku are you dead

WHAT’S HAPPENING, IS THIS GOOD OR BAD, WHO’S WINNING

things that I wish I could tell from this panel which I unfortunately cannot tell

did she stab him or shoot him?? can you imagine if it was the former lol. why does Horikoshi keep stabbing all my kids. look Kacchan now the two of you can match

did she actually hit him or did he get away??

or did she hit him and then he jumped away?? just, what

well anyway, so now Deku is asking her why she sided with AFO, but he seems a lot more pissed off than when he was interrogating Muscular, though. probably because she shot him three times. fair enough

oh my god

does Lady have a blog here on tumblr dot com?? -- does Horikoshi have a blog here on tumblr motherfucking dot com?? why do I suddenly feel like this man is out here sneakily reading up on all our discourse

oh my god Deku it’s almost like getting up close and personal with someone who can shoot custom bullets from any distance and any position with deadly accuracy was a terrible fucking idea

IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD WARNED YOU NOT TO ENGAGE WITH HER AT ALL COSTS. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT TO DO THAT sob. can you imagine how much shorter this series would be if characters actually listened to Hawks. Hawks, and Momo. why do we even let anyone else run the show ever

OH MY GOD

DEKU, RUN

OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

this looks a lot like what happens to me whenever I play One’s Justice. those fucking combo attacks that you can’t fucking escape from and so your character just has to stand there getting their ass whalloped repeatedly while you wonder why you paid $40 for this

but anyways though. so Lady who did you kill?? I bet they deserved it, don’t worry I forgive you

(ETA: ANYWAY SO FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT LADY NAGANT DID NOTHING WRONG EVER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. aside from murdering all those innocent people and shit. but there were CIRCUMSTANCES, and THEY WERE EXTENUATING, OKAY.)

-- holy shit

looks like the HPSC arc is back on the menu boys

so are we about to learn that the HPSC was going full Hydra on people’s asses? secretly dispatching anyone they deemed a threat to society?? “taken care of” as in you fucking shot them??

so then was the “hero” she killed actually one of the guys who was giving or carrying out these orders?? holy shit Lady, up until now I’ve mainly just been stanning you for your flawless eyebrow game and metal af quirk, but this shit could actually get real very quickly, and I am prepared to genuinely and sincerely love the shit out of you depending on what we learn next about your backstory

oh my god?!?

so wait, hold up. am I reading this right?? basically the HPSC started murdering vigilantes because they were worried they were gaining too much of the public’s favor?? holy fucking shit???

oh my GOD oh my god

“it’s been a while since I scarred you all with the dead dog and the graphic slaughter of an entire innocent family, huh,” Horikoshi says thoughtfully. “anyway so what do you all think of my new creation, the Spaghetti Bullet.” well, Horikoshi, so you know that squished-up face that Kermit the Frog makes sometimes? yeah. that’s what I think, if you must know lol

holy hell the juxtaposition

I’m actually kind of surprised to learn she had a lot of fans? what with her M.O., I was expecting her to have been an underground hero like Aizawa, but apparently not? then again I still have absolutely no idea how any of that works. I really need to read Vigilantes already

oh snap

nothing like a sweet dose of assassin trauma to finally round out our BnHA Trauma Bingo!! well done guys, we finally collected all of the traumas! hooray!

noooo Ladyyyyyyy

holy shit what a fucking chapter. like, this man promised us an assassin, and went and fucking delivered. I was not expecting it to be this dark, lol, but holy shit I am here for it

you know, at some point you have to start questioning the logistics of this, though

I mean, how do I put this... her quirk isn’t exactly subtle. that murder scene from a few pages back looked like the first season of Dexter for fuck’s sake, that’s not exactly “disappearing” people now is it?? and I mean, her bullets are literally made from her own fucking hair; it seems like it would be impossible not to leave any evidence behind. did no one start to wonder who the fuck was going around murdering all these people? or did the people who asked too many questions wind up getting conveniently “disappeared” themselves??

and hey, speaking of asking too many questions

holy shit is he blackmailing her??!? or no, wait -- what the hell is he reaching for in his pocket boy you better not

(ETA: what exactly was this man expecting fdslkjd. “uh oh my unstoppable hair trigger assassin who is literally always armed is asking questions, better announce that I am going to shoot her and then reach into my pocket veeeeeery slowly while she stands there all of two feet away.” how did this guy ever function as the head of a shadow government with these decision-making skills, I’m genuinely baffled.)

OH MY GOD LADY YES

this. right here. is why “run the fuck away” was damn good solid fucking advice. oh shit. but my god did this dude have it coming

so wait lol has she just been narrating all of this out loud to Deku this entire time

okay but can we just stop for a moment and appreciate the fact that they’re having this deep conversation about the dark secrets of hero society right in the middle of their intense mid-air sniper free-for-all lol

holy shit you guys, Nagant’s the one that should have made the tell-all video. I mean, no offense to you, Dabi, I’m sure you worked very hard on your video and did a ton of crunches every day so that you would look good with your shirt off while you told the world all about how your dad was a jerk. but seriously...

this is already like 100x more convincing than what he put out. also, gasp, is it another flashback

yes it is oh my gosh

so the HPSC Chairladyperson whom ReDestro killed used to be this guy’s direct subordinate, huh? I wonder if she kept the whole assassin program going after she took over. can’t say I was feeling any particular kind of grieving way about her death before, but certainly not now lol

but unfortunately Nagant has finally lost me at the same place where all of the villains inevitably do, which is to say when they somehow make the dubious mental leap from “society sucks and is bad” to “let’s just be openly fucking evil lol, worth a shot.” because when heroes murder innocent people and cover it up, that’s obviously bad (and I mean, it absolutely fucking is lol, don’t get me wrong); but when villains murder innocent people straight up out in the open without giving a fuck, they’re righteous revolutionaries? just -- is there really no non-murdery middle ground here?? I guess that’s what Deku and co. are for, hopefully

anyways oh shit Deku seems to have spotted something?? and he’s doing something weird with Blackwhip what

oh, he spotted her, I guess

lmaooooo

new favorite Deku panel right here. a masterpiece

oh my god you guys our little boy is starting to grow up before our eyes

you love to see it. and you can tell with those elipses that he’s gearing up to say something really cool and determined and badass like the shounen protag he is, yes please, Deku ilu so much please do your thing

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

IS THAT A TEENY TINY LIL EYE SPARKLE THERE OMG. still not anywhere close to his usual standard, but that’s some clear resolve there in his eyes there at long last! it always shines the most clearly when he’s being true to himself and his ideals, so I love that it finally shows up again here, when he’s reaffirming his resolve to help others no matter what

uh oh so what’s Lady going to do now

is it time for a trump card?? kinda sounding like it’s time for a trump card

???

I lied btw, this is my new favorite Deku panel. but anyways what is she up to now lol

ohhhhhh, lol

why does she seem shocked, lol. here I thought this was part of her plan, but apparently she forgot all about ol’ “Look Ma, No Hands” back up there

and so I guess that’s it for this week! so we’ve learned basically everything now about Lady and her quirk and her history with the HPSC and why she agreed to work for AFO. pretty much the only question that still remains is why the hell she decided to drag this asshole along for the ride! because I still cannot figure that out dsklkjlkf

(ETA: actually now I’m kind of wondering if they maybe have some past connection we don’t know about yet. when exactly was Nagant sent to Tartarus? is it possible she was ordered to track down and kill Overhaul at some point before that, but never got around to it? or something else along those lines? idk but now I’m curious.)

anyways Deku, I know that your empathy has no bounds and that you’re on a “saving villains” kick right now, and good on you... but also, if you decide to just like, skip all of that shit just this once, absolutely no one will hold it against you, I’m just saying. just, all I’m asking here is maybe let’s think twice before we start trying to reform guys who imprison and torture little girls for profit. I think maybe that’s a good place to draw the line. next week is going to be a very interesting chapter lol

#bnha 314 #lady nagant #midoriya izuku #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha