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beautiful-monsters-raging · 2 years

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but use your freedom of choice

(while you still can) Title taken from the song Freedom of Choice by DEVOVision.

Leo has something to tell Usagi.

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Trigger warnings include vomiting, fears of rejection, brief mentions of dysphoria, discussion of abortion and abortion-related politics (although the last one you should already be prepared for on this blog).

This is a story from a larger collection that you can read on my AO3 (that series has its own tags, make sure to read them all)

"I'm pregnant."

The words don't emerge so much as escape, slipping from Leo's mouth as he and Usagi wash dishes together. He wants to grab them from the air, take them back, but it's too late. A dish slips from Usagi's hands and crashes into the sink, pieces shattering everywhere.

Leo had had a plan. A scheme, really, a cunning and clever scheme. He'd be subtle about it, carefully feel out Usagi's perspective on choice and free will and whatnot, test the waters. He'd do it all himself, this time, so his brothers wouldn't accidentally help him into a disaster like his coming out had been (would have been, but Usagi had been so understanding, and really there was no way Leo could be so lucky twice, but)

Anyway. He'd planned to get Usagi alone after dinner, make out with him a little, that would help things, right? Or would Usagi feel manipulated? He should have looked up the role horniness played in these types of conversations; someone must have written something. He should have, should have, should have...

The thing is, Leo's brain is on the whole a whirling mess by now, and he's not thinking nearly as clearly or carefully as he ought to. So, when Usagi comments about how Leo’s been moving a little stiffly recently, is everything all right, all those carefully planned excuses go straight to hell and what comes out is the absolute, damning truth.

"You guys okay?" Mikey calls from the living room, where Leo's brothers are watching TV and pretending not to be staying nearby "just in case." Like Leo wouldn't be able to handle Usagi on his own if...if he....

Maybe it's considering the possible consequences of his latest fuckup, maybe it's just the fact that his body has been hijacked by a goddamn parasite, but Leo's dashing to the trash can before he can think, falling to his knees and throwing up. Ice Cream Kitty sticks her head out of the freezer, giving him a sympathetic whine, and oh god, the fucking cat's going to hear whatever comes next, isn't she?

"We're fine!" Usagi calls back, voice slightly strangled. He hurries over to Leo's side, dropping to his knees and rubbing his shell.

"Breathe, Leonardo, it's all right." His voice is so fucking tender Leo wants to sob, so he does, spitting up tears and snot and vomit and ugh, he's so gross. But that doesn't faze Usagi, it never has, and he holds on to Leo until the puking stops.

Leo slumps over the edge of the trash can, panting, staring directly down at his radically altered dinner. For a wild moment he thinks he's somehow managed to spit it up, pulled off a miracle reverse miscarriage to get out of this conversation, but no such luck.

Usagi stops rubbing his back, taking a slow, deep breath. "Leonardo--"

"I'm getting rid of it." He doesn't look away, can't face hope or rage or whatever nightmare he's going to see in Usagi's eyes. "I...I can't--I'm not ready to be a parent, 'Sagi. I don't know if I'll ever be ready, and if I did it wouldn't be by--" He cuts himself off, breath suddenly strangled in his throat.

The thought of laying an egg is sickening; Leo doesn't know what he would have done if Donnie, amazing Donnie, hadn't studied his unique anatomy over the years, until he was prepared for such an eventuality to give Leo the exact kind of care he needed. If it hadn't been for him, Leo would be...

Well. Probably as screwed over as a significant chunk of birthing humans in America at the moment, to be honest.

But he might be still screwed, in his own way. Leo forces himself to sit up and turn to face Usagi, blinking away tears. Fucking hormones making him want to cry all the time.

"I'm sorry," he gasps. "I'm so sorry, Usagi, I don't want to take this away from you, but I have to, I need to, and I'm sorry, I know you wanted to give Jotaro a sibling someday, maybe, but I--"

"Leonardo," Usagi cuts him off. He looks, he looks almost angry and Leo's going to fucking hurl again--

"Leonardo, why in all the worlds would you think little enough of me to assume I would deny you your choice?"

Leo blinks, stares. "....What?"

"Maybe," Usagi reminds him gently, "and some day. And never in a million years, not if the price meant bringing pain to someone I loved."

"I..." Leo's heart is fluttering, or maybe it's the parasite sucking his innards dry.

"You are real, Leonardo. You will always be more important to me than some dry possibility. And if I was a man who felt otherwise, I would not be worth your time."

Leo stares at him for a few seconds, then bursts into tears, slumping forward into Usagi's arms and weeping like a fucking child. Relief shudders through his bones, relief and the raw aftereffects of fear, pressure popped like a balloon.

"I love you, Leonardo," Usagi says, planting a kiss on his head. "I always will. Nothing you do with your body can change that."

He holds Leo until the crying stops, just like he did with the puking, only Leo doesn't feel disgusting anymore. He feels safe, he feels loved, and he clings on to that feeling--to Usagi--with everything he has.

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Author's Note:

I am, thankfully, in a state that is still firmly pro-choice. But this attack on my rights is sickening, and I wish allsupport and compassion in the world to my sisters, brothers, and siblings who aren't so lucky. I love you.

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xccentriktigress · 2 years

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I was 16 when I got pregnant. I was on birth control pills, but they don't work on antibiotics. My mom was in the room when the doctor asked if I was sexually active. I lied, so the doctor decided I didn't need to know.

I was 16 when I told the guy I'd been sleeping with for most of the year told me I should get an abortion. He wasn't my boyfriend, he wasn't going to care for this child, he wasn't going to marry me. I hadn't expected him to care, but I also didn't him to react so... confidently.

I was 16 when I scheduled my first OBGYN appointment on my own and they insisted I couldn't get in for five weeks. I didn't know then that they were stalling, ensuring I couldn't take action if I wanted to. At my appointment they said I was ten weeks along, two weeks past being legally allowed to terminate. I still wasn't sure what I wanted.

I was 16 when my pastor told me this hadn't been God's plan for my life. He told me God didn't want this baby. Suddenly I was terrified that God would take this away. I still didn't know what I would do with a baby, but I didn't want that.

I was 16 when my hips began to slip out of place as the baby shifted. I was 16 when people began to touch my belly without permission, to comment on how big I'd gotten and how I was carrying. I had even less control over my mind and body than I'd ever had before. I had to make a decision.

I was 16 when I picked a family out of a binder of generic profiles with my mom. I'd been through enough of the system to look at adoption skeptically. We decided on an open adoption, so we could maintain a relationship with him. I would know that he was okay. I still had almost 6 months until my due date.

I was 16 when I returned to school from summer break, obviously pregnant. I'd expected the same puritan shaming I'd gotten at church. Instead, I was shamed for choosing adoption. Freshman asked to adopt him like he was a puppy. My hips still slipped and I'd begun to lactate. I started homeschool three months later.

I was 16 when I sobbed in my bed for two hours because I hated the world. I was alone in the house with my thoughts and no support. I wanted to cut him out. How could I bring an innocent into this awful, evil world? I didn't care if I lived or died, but how could I subject him to this? And I hated myself for all of it.

I was 17 when we drove to the hospital in the early hours of morning in the middle of a snowstorm. I barely waddled myself in, leaning on my mother and snuggling my teddy bear. A few hours later my legs were being held up as someone shouted for me to push and my aunt fed me ice chips.

I was 17 when I held my son for the first time, knowing the family we'd chosen was on their way. I cried as they hooked him up to oxygen and wrote a name we helped choose on his chart. I sobbed that night as I held him again, knowing I could still change my mind but I wouldn't.

I was 17 when I watched the family we'd chosen take the boy I'd carried for ten months and two weeks away. My body was mine but it didn't fit anymore. I was still lactating, but it served no purpose. Insurance only covered six physical therapy appointments for my hips. People asked me when I was due, then asked to see the baby. I didn't know what to do.

I'm 31 now and he's 14. Even from a distance, I love him more than life itself. I don't regret anything, except my lack of choice. My lack of support and education. I don't know if I'd have done anything differently.

My hips still slip sometimes and the scar tissue from delivery gets irritated sometimes. I cry for the moments I missed with him. I cry for the moments I lost to other people's judgement. I cry for the young girl suddenly set adrift. Because the truth is

I was only 16

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drunk-on-writing · 2 years

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How to Write a Poem in a Time of the End of the World (after Joy Hario)

start while you’re still despite the earth hurtling backwards in time because any moment now it’ll be 1970 1960 1950 and maybe this is where you should start: while you’re standing side by side with your grandmother at your age a picket sign in her hand and an iphone in yours both hands raised in protest over the same thing maybe it doesn’t matter where you start so long as you understand understand that nothing you say will be groundbreaking or even unique understand that you should say it anyway understand that the sun will shine and it’ll feel wrong that it’s such a beautiful day while the world is going up in flames understand that you will wake up tomorrow to another beautiful day while the world still burns and maybe nothing you say will stop the burning or stop the hurting but maybe you need to say it anyway maybe it feels pointless to start here or there or anywhere but i still think you should start but i still think you need to use your words dear god, please use your words they will be your greatest weapon in a time of war

(cc, 2022)

#my writing #roe v wade #pro choice #bans off my body #my body my choice #poets on tumblr #words #writers on tumblr #writing #writers of tumblr #poets of tumblr #poetry #prose #spilled thoughts

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addawithbalmiki · 2 years

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pro-lifers are fucking weird. they will tell you shit like ‘your fetus is a living breathing baby and you’re a murderer’ and then immediately turn around and support war veterans

#balmiki prose #txt #yes this is anti life #from now on no pro choice only anti life because many of you deserve to die tbh

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karlynmaness · 2 years

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We Scream in Silence // Karlyn Maness

For women, non-binary people, and trans people fighting for their right to choose. For all who have to fight for the right to their bodies and may share in the same frustrations as I, we scream in silence.

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A post shared by Karlyn (@karlynmaness)

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littlebigthingstosay · 2 years

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To the one I fear for and most

In the back of my mind I imagine you as a little boy and I call you Koi like the fish because I want to share with you the love I have for the cold misty sea shore, the one in Oregon decorated with millions of polished stones the size of my nail in every color.

In the back of my mind I imagine you to be a little girl and I call you Sight like the great power of the makers of prophecy in the oldest of stories because I want to sit with you in a great mountain field and tell you those stories, the ones I learned that explain the names of the stars I love most.

I fear in the back of my mind I'll never have you be it from my own body or by the chance you are brought to my step by another's body. I fear because bodies are cruel and I will not dare have you if my body is inclined to turn on me as my mother's did her or if your body curdles in my womb. I fear because the systems in place for children alive and without the fortune of good standing, and you may die in a system that cannot and will not support you.

But most importantly I fear because of the laws now redacted and the ones in place that make it illegal for me to protect you from my own body and my inopportune circumstances, that will force you into the world or force both of us out of it. The laws that force millions of others into that same fate to relinquish you.

I love you my Koi and my Sight, and should you come to my step I will cradle you close and grieve for the women that had you by force because they lost themselves by force under unjust law made by a church that was sworn to never be in the place of power it holds. But I will never have you with my own flesh because I cannot risk you or myself in that way especially when I will not have a partner to aid me because I would have you alone and give you the world because I do not love any body but my own, and I would have picked your sire from a catalog or none at all. My body should I have you out side of that scenario would be penetrated and entered by force and against my will because I do not love bodies in that way.

I fear and I think in the back of my mind how monstrous it is that children like you would be will be forced to keep children forced upon them by dishonesty like a friend or by those who lust and are cruel. It is wrong that our laws allow this and should they revert I may consider you again.

I will consider you again, for now my children, as only dark whispers born of fear and sex repulsed wonders at what my body could make when I am faced with strangers in my classes as I learn what I wish to be. I will consider you as a whisper in the back of my mind as I build a life making images from pigments and oils and as I weave words into worlds that span stars and ocean shores. I will let those whispers hum in my ears as I lay my hands on the wall of a house with enough rooms to have a studio for my art and for two children to sleep and grow in their own spaces.

I will consider you as the house goes unbought or is furnished only for adults and guests. I will consider you as I cook for only myself and the ghosts of dreams I cannot touch due to fear.

Mama loves you, you little dreams, but they cannot have you for fear of themself.

#prose #roe versus wade #abortion #heartache #emotional #lost dreams #adoption #human rights #reproductive choice #abortion rights #reproductive rights #bodily autonomy #pro choice #roe vs wade #sad but true #writing

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electrafye · 2 years

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human-behavior-facts · 2 years

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How to Cope with Procrastination?

Procrastination is a natural human behavior. We all have moments when we put off something we know we should be doing, and it happens to all of us. The trick is learning to overcome procrastination and get yourself out of your rut. Here are some handy tips to help you beat procrastination.

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nicolecodianni · 2 years

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I wrote these words for anyone and everyone who is experiencing all of these thoughts and words and emotions at once. I am thinking of you and I am so sorry. This is not the future we were promised, but this is not the end.

#roe vs. wade #reproductive freedom #handsoffmybody #pro choice #politics #writing #prose #nicolecodianni

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callmearcturus · 2 years

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==> You have three doors

DOOR ONE: Reading Homestuck using the Unofficial Collection

Pro: Everything is immaculately preserved at the highest quality. Official HS took beautiful animations and turned them into 360p fuzzy horseshit. UHSC has everything in HQ.

Pro: Navigation controls. I set everything to "auto open pesterlogs" and then use arrow keys to go to the next page when I'm done. Very smooth experience.

Pro: You can fucking mod out the worst slurs from early Homestuck, which is a relief.

Pro: It maintains the browser games as well as the incredible formatting tricks of Cascade, A6A6I1 and others.

Pro: It's literally officially endorsed by the creator as The Way to read HS.

Con: Windows and Mac only, not mobile, unfortunately.

Con: No matter how many times I read the explanation for First Time Reader Mode, I'm always still a bit confused.

Con: The Troll quirks.

DOOR TWO: Experiencing Homestuck with Lets Read Homestuck

Pro: The entire comic read to you, with matching visuals, is really a fucking treat and probably the most low effort way to experience it.

Pro: CANNOT OVERSTATE HOW FUCKING GOOD THE ACTING IS SOMETIMES. OFTENTIMES. Duckum's Rose performance is more deserving of oscars than most shit I've seen get awards. Karkat's performance is always a delight but the emotional rollercoaster of Murderstuck? Holy shit. Also I did not like Terezi until LRHS, now I love her.

Pro: Sometimes, Homestuck is hard to read. Making sure you find every secret in every walkaround? Trying to figure out what the trolls are saying through their quirks? Oh my god the fucking SBaHJ interludes? There are parts of the Meenah walkaround I totally missed bc I could not parse the quirks. LRHS makes it a complete and total non-issue.

Con: In my opinion, it takes them a while to find their footing. Act One is just kinda rough. Act Two is better, but things become fantastic pretty much as soon as Duckums takes over as Rose.

Con: It's not complete. LRHS is up to the Trickster Arc deep deep deep in Act 6, so they're nearly there, but the last 15% of the comic, you have to read yourself.

Arc, what the fuck: I have all of LRHS ripped as MP3 so I can listen to it like an audiobook. Lemme know if you want the files.

DOOR THREE: Official Homestuck Website

Pro: It does work on phone and tablet.

Pro: You can pair it with the HQ upload of all HS Flashes and have an okay time.

Con: The walkarounds are removed. The entire game of Jane's land is a fucking YOUTUBE VIDEO. The special effects for Cascade and A6A6I1 and even the stupid horse segments are gone. The entire gravity of the Retcon is removed. They couldn't even fucking preserve Gamzee's dumb potion shop bit. What the absolute fuck.

Con: EVEN THE FUCKING UPLOADS THEY DID LOOK LIKE HORSESHIT. Compare the official intro of Rose's world to a reupload of the original flash. How the FUCK was this allowed?! Who OKAYED this?!

This is garbage. Homestuck is a multimedia experience of prose, text, music, animation, interactive storytelling, and Viz Media fucked it.

The choice is yours. I suggest Door Two, but I'm a podcast person before everything else. Door One is a very very good door once you get going. Door Three is if you HAVE to use mobile. but please, fuck, use the All Flashes video, I'm begging you.

OH BUT WHATEVER OPTION YOU CHOOSE: stop at Act 7 or Credits. Do not read the Epilogues or the post canon stuff.

#homestuck #this is a better version of my other post tbh #whomstve

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displayheartcode · 1 year

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I seen you like Tam Lin too! Do you have a favorite version of it?

For one that understands the pro-choice part of the narrative – Tam Lin by Pamela Dean

For ones that understand the vibes and having an angry/feral girl – The Darkest Part of the Forest and Tithe by Holly Black

For one that understands a major point of Tam Lin is to hold on tight and never let go – Echo North* by Joanna Ruth Meyer

And let me not forget the third book in the October Daye series, An Artificial Night

For one where the Janet figure falls in love with the evil queen – The Dark Tide by Alicia Jasinska

Fire and Hemlock...it's hard to recommend because of how weird it is. DWJ’s prose slaps and the stuff about memory is fascinating, but the age gap is.............uh...........yikes...

*Yes, yes. It's an East of the Sun retelling, but the second part is heavily inspired by Tam Lin

#anyone else need recs?

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beautiful-monsters-raging · 2 years

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Mikey considers a change while doing some community service with Raph.

Title taken from this song by Dreamers ft. Grandson.

Prompts from @@achraya's Monster May Bingo: Study/Experimentation and @pridewrite's 2022 Challenge: Pronouns.

This fic deals with the threat of crisis pregnancy centers.. You can learn more about them, along with genuine reproductive resources, in the crisis pregnancy tag on my blog.

If you like Pride, but don't want to give your money to pink capitalism, consider each donating to or at least boosting one of these charities.

A gift for @inceldonnie, for the inspiration.

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fierceawakening · 2 years

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I’m seeing a lot of posts that say “if you are pro choice because of a sob story, you are pro choice for the wrong reasons!” and can i just… say that I recommend we not do that?

A story about how stuck someone felt—a pathos filled purple prosed fictional account I knew was fictional—jarred me out of the belief I had that an unwanted pregnancy is a hardship but life is full of those and anyone faced with hardship should just face it, deal, and grow stronger.

Now is absolutely not the time to establish a pro choice purity test.

Now is the time to AMASS NUMBERS and SHOW STRENGTH.

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olderthannetfic · 5 months

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Hi! So it says in your bio that you're both a filmmaker and novelist, so I'd like to ask you something. First, are you involved with the script part of filmmaking specifically, or fo you work mostly with other elements of filmmaking? Second, if you are, what are the major differences you've noticed between script writing and prose writing?

For context, I want to make comics, and I'd like to have a script to work from, but I've only occasionally dabbled in script writing. I know I could just use thumbnails and that's definitely something I want to be part of the process, but one of the reasons I want a script is so that I can have something to hopefully make my comic accessible to blind readers. I don't have the money to pay for an audiobook version to be made, so my thought process was if I make a text version of the comic, like a script, I can then make sure that at least a version of that copy is screenreader friendly.

So, do you have any advice for me?

--

I'm a film editor, or was, which definitely involves a lot of understanding of narrative, but that's different from being a screenwriter, and being a screenwriter and/or novelist is different again from writing scripts for comics.

That said, I have written scripts. The biggest difference is that if your script is intended for someone else to direct, you are asked to leave out a lot of commentary and stage direction that director-written scripts tend to have and that novels would have.

--

Dialogue is a fairly minor aspect of both novels and films—at least most good ones.

In a novel, much of the actual characterization is done in the actions characters take or in the way things are described in the narration.

In a director-written script, the writer will often include a lot of stuff that isn't put into actors' mouths to remind themselves of what the point of a given scene is. What would be narration in a novel becomes cinematography and editing choices.

As a rando writing scripts, you're not supposed to shove in that stuff because you're telling the director and other creatives how to do their job. You're just the writer: you don't get to decide those things. The script is less a finished blueprint and more a main melody line that someone else will improvise on top of.

Unfortunately, most of the ~great scripts~ people are told to look at for inspiration are by someone with more creative control (director, showrunner, creative producer) and do have a lot of interpretation already baked in. That makes them more fun for a layperson to read, but it doesn't always make them great examples of how to write commercially.

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My impression is that a comics script is a specific thing in the pro industry, and it's not a thing that would necessarily be ready for blind readers. If you want to make an accessibility aid, I think you're looking at descriptive commentary along with any dialogue. Depending on the nature of the comic, it might be useful, or it might be pointless.

I would indeed storyboard your comic, not for future readers but to help you plan layout. The visual storytelling is a key part of any visual medium, and a good comic does more than just put the key actions on page. Where are people standing relative to each other and relative to the edge of the frame and how does this create a balanced composition or an awkward tension? Do you need the equivalent of a film insert shot and why? How is the eye being directed around the page, and does this make it easy to follow or chaotic?

What kind of comics format you're doing will matter a lot, obviously, but even in a basic 3-panel webcomic, you can control things like how close to the edge of the frame characters stand.

If you want some 101 on visual storytelling from a film perspective, one of the best regarded books is The Visual Story by Bruce Block. I personally also greatly enjoyed The Eye Is Quicker by Richard D. Pepperman. I remember the latter having more on film editing but nice storyboards and the former having a lot more visual arts-adjacent commentary on cinematography: line, color theory, negative space, etc.

--

People focus way too much on words as a crutch because they don't understand the far more important grammar of visual storytelling.

If your visual story—comic, film—cannot do 90% of its work without the words, it probably sucks.

That's my biggest piece of advice.

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tbookblurbs · 4 months

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A Court of Silver Flames - Sarah J. Maas

2/5 - Don't read if you're not willing to re-write in your head as you go or if you actually like well-written fantasy

I'll be honest, this was my second time through this book. Upon the reread, I had already erased so much of the plot from my memory that it was as if I was reading for the first time. Anyways ...

All the usual Maas problems are here. Weirdly written gay relationships (if there are any), oversexualization of bisexual people, transphobic undertones, retconning characters to being PoC (lucien) a la JK Rowling (or no PoC characters at all), misogyny, CRAZY levels of toxic masculinity, plot holes, etc.

This book is mostly sex and characterization retcons. I really enjoyed Nesta's character arc, the Valkyries, and sometimes Cassian and Azriel, but everything to do with Feyre left a bad taste in my mouth. Favorite scene, no question, was Nesta's dance with Eris in the Night Court. That was the first scene where I felt they actually gave Nesta skills and a personality beyond bitter alcoholism.

That said, the cons of this book far outweigh the pros. As always, Maas' writing is a breeze to get through just because it's not particularly difficult prose, but her insistence (in this novel and in other books) on using Female/Male and weird gender essentialism is at best irritating and at worst actively detracting from the novel. The entire pregnancy plotline could (and arguably should) be removed from this book. It doesn't add anything to Nesta's journey, paints Rhysand and Feyre in a really bad light, and is frankly an incredibly stupid plot choice. You have magic, can shapeshift, and have indoor plumbing but C-sections haven't been invented yet? Really? The whole scenario is incredibly contrived and I actively skipped scenes dealing with it if I could. The entire Inner Circle acts immature, judgemental, and unforgiving, despite their own insistence to the contrary. Elain also still has no personality. I was also confused by the whole "Maybe Rhysand should be High King of Prythian" subplot like ... huh?? Where did that even come from??

The book tops itself off by using one of my least favorite tropes in fantasy, which is when women, usually main characters, have to give up all their power at the end of the story. Maas is very fond of this plotline. She does the same thing with Aelin in the Throne of Glass series. Personally, I find this trope to be misogynistic and often evidence of poor writing to neatly wrap up the end of a story, regardless of whether the choices post-power-loss are in character.

The version of this story that I was re-writing in my head, which cuts the weird bitterness between Cassian and Nesta and Feyre's pregnancy entirely (she's 19????) while expanding on her powers and letting her keep them, is much more interesting. But alas, that is NOT the version on page. Unless you (like me) had it downloaded on your Kindle and an 8-hr plane ride to kill, I wouldn't bother if you're seriously interested in reading fantasy.

#before anyone asks #I do hate read which is why I invested time in the first place #it's me and my sister's bonding activity #a court of silver flames #acosf #sarah j maas #sjm #nesta archeron #cassian acotar #rhysand #feyre archeron #elain archeron #eris vanserra #lucien vanserra #book review #fantasy romance #fantasy #high fantasy #romance

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mayweblue · 1 year

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aku rasa, tabunya pembahasan seks pada perempuan itu dampak dari asumsi kalau perempuan nggak bisa menikmati seks.

jaman sekolah, kalau ada anak cewek yang nyambung diajakin ngobrol soal selangkangan, pasti dia akan jadi korban slut-shaming. entah langsung atau nggak langsung. seolah kalau kita paham bagaimana cara organ intim kita sendiri bekerja artinya kita sudah pernah bersenggama seenggaknya bersama tiga laki-laki. menurutku, itu sebuah stereotip amburadul yang harusnya dibuang di tempat sampah.

aku pernah diajak bicara soal aborsi, jaman SMA dulu, sama seorang anak laki-laki. aku jawab pengetahuan yang aku baca di internet dan pengalamanku ikut PMR. kalian tahu gimana reaksi dia mendengar jawaban-jawabanku?

"kamu pasti udah nggak perawan, ya?"

bayangkan betapa nggak nyambungnya kalimat itu setelah aku baru saja menjelaskan gerakan pro-choice di amerika sana. aku cuma bisa menanggapi sambil bengong sebelum memutuskan buat menggebuk bagian belakang kepalanya lalu pergi. malas berdiskusi lagi.

aku bukannya marah karena dia mengira aku udah nggak perawan. persetan sama isi celanaku, nggak peduli mereka bepikir apa soal yang ada di sana. yang aku nggak menyangka adalah, betapa dia dengan mudahnya berasumsi kalau aku harus sudah mengalami sendiri supaya mengerti. dan aku selamanya nggak akan lupa sama reaksi meledek dia ketika menuduh aku nggak perawan itu. kalau nggak ingat ibuku bisa nangis kalau aku dikeluarkan, aku yakin dia sudah aku ludahi.

kemudian, aku menyadari kalau nggak hanya aku saja yang mengalami ini. aku mungkin masih bisa bersikap wajar karena aku tahu penilaianku sendiri atas tubuhku, di mana saat itu aku sudah punya cukup pemahaman tentang konstruksi sosial akan tubuh perempuan dan aku memilih nggak menyepakatinya. tapi, aku nggak yakin teman-teman perempuanku bisa memiliki pemahaman yang sama soal diri mereka sendiri.

tiap kali perempuan bicara terbuka soal tubuh ataupun hasrat seksual mereka, mereka akan selalu dapat reaksi-reaksi template. ungkapan-ungkapan yang maknanya merendahkan, kata-kata yang meledek mereka, dan lain-lain yang mungkin nggak pernah laki-laki dapatkan untuk seumur hidupnya. dan yang paling brengsek adalah, sebagian dari kita masih mewajarkan itu semua. seolah ruang seksualitas hanya boleh dimasuki oleh laki-laki dan kita cuma salah satu objek di dalamnya.

seksualitas seringkali cuma dipandang dari sudut pandang laki-laki. kimmel (2005) bilang kalau, pembagian peran seksual tersebut merupakan bentuk kontruksi sosial akan seksualitas itu sendiri. jadi, ketika kita bicara soal seksualitas, yang dibahas bukan lagi soal naluri atau hasrat, melainkan juga ada campur tangan proses sosial, yang kemudian disepakati oleh masyarakat secara kolektif.

marching (2011) mengungkapkan kritiknya terhadap kesucian perempuan di mana perempuan dituntut ideal dengan mempertahankan kesuciannya dan tidak menunjukkan hasrat seksualnya. hal inilah yang lantas menyudutkan tubuh perempuan, merepresi ekspresi perempuan soal seksualitas, dan pada akhirnya membuat kita perempuan nggak punya keberanian untuk menyuarakannya.

aku tadinya mau menjelaskan pengaruh ibuisme orde baru sama ini semua tapi aku nggak mau tulisan ini malah berubah jadi analisis akademis. jadi, biar kita diskusi santai aja sambil minum teh, dengan membicarakan ketidakadilan masyarakat dalam memandang tubuh perempuan, bahkan pasca rezim berganti.

pemahaman konyol soal perempuan harus memendam hasrat seksual mereka ini mengular ke banyak sekali aspek yang pada akhirnya merugikan perempuan sendiri. penilaian baik atau tidaknya perempuan yang hanya dilihat dari presensi keutuhan selaput dara, membuat perempuan turut serta memandang rendah tubuhnya. belum lagi laki-laki yang ikutan punya pendapat kalau perempuan yang sudah berhubungan seks pra-perkawinan adalah perempuan murahan atau bekas pakai. hal ini menjadi pengetahuan kolektif yang seolah kita setujui begitu saja—yang mana ini nggak adil.

salah satu efek yang menurutku menyakitkan adalah ketika perempuan korban kekerasan seksual tetap takut menghadapi penilaian masyarakat. dalam pengalamanku sebagai pendamping, aku pernah menemani korban kekerasan seksual di mana awalnya dia memberikan consent. tapi kemudian selanjutnya korban mengalami ancaman, tekanan, dan paksaan untuk melakukan hal-hal yang tidak dia setujui. korban takut mengaku kepada orang tuanya karena dia takut disalahkan. ketika dalam pandangan idealku, rasa takut untuk mengaku kalau kamu adalah korban semestinya sejak awal nggak pernah ada.

aku akan mengatakan kalimat yang mungkin kontroversial bagi sebagian orang: perempuan tetap bisa menikmati seks dan menjadi korban kekerasan seksual.

kemarin, waktu mendapat pertanyaan di cc yang menanyakan pendapatku tentang seks bebas, aku beberapa kali merenungi jawabanku sendiri. di platform aku menulis bebas seperti sekarang, aku sering kali menulis cerita yang menggali seksualitas, kehamilan di luar perkawinan, dan topik-topik yang mungkin enggan kamu bicarakan di dunia nyata. sekalipun aku bisa berdalih kalau apa yang aku tulis ini hanya fiksi dan pembacaku harus punya batasan mereka sendiri, aku tetap nggak bisa melepaskan beban moralku atas itu. terlebih ketika aku sangat paham kalau banyak dari pembacaku adalah perempuan.

dalam jawaban itu, sedikit banyak aku menyinggung soal konsekuensi. yang lupa aku pertegas adalah, konsekuensi itu juga menyangkut penilaian kita, perempuan, atas perubahan pada tubuh kita sendiri. sylvia plath pernah menuliskan dalam jurnalnya,

"just because you're never worried about having babies!"

aku mengatakan ini karena aku yakin, cuma perempuan yang bisa memahaminya. perubahan signifikan tubuh setelah berhubungan seks, presepsi kita terhadap tubuh kita sendiri, dan sebagainya. belum lagi risiko kehamilan. aku mengerti kenapa kita takut membicarakannya bahkan kepada orang terdekat kita sekalipun.

sebab entah dari mana mulanya, tubuh perempuan seolah bukan milik diri mereka sendiri.

sekali lagi, tulisan ini bukan artikel akademis. sekalipun aku mengutip beberapa pendapat, tujuan diciptakannya tulisan ini bukan untuk itu. aku hanya berharap, tulisan ini bisa sampai kepada pembacaku, bagi mereka yang sering membaca tulisan-tulisanku yang mungkin berbau seks. aku ingin aku tidak sekadar memberikan esensi hiburan saja, tapi juga memberikan sedikit soal pemikiranku, tentang bagaimana aku memandang tubuhku sebagai perempuan dan caraku melihat seksualitas.

ini bukan propaganda untuk melakukan seks di luar perkawinan. tentu saja nggak. aku ingin lewat tulisan ini, kamu tahu kalau tubuhmu adalah milikmu. sekalipun kamu takut membicarakannya, sekalipun kamu cuma bersembunyi di balik fanfic-fanfic saru ketika mengeksplornya, tubuhmu adalah milikmu. dia satu-satunya yang kamu miliki, oleh karena itu kamu harus mencintainya. bagaimanapun masyarakat memandangnya.

karena tubuhmu adalah milikmu, pula, kamu harus menjaganya dan memastikannya selalu aman, apapun keputusanmu. dengan atau tanpa selaput dara.

dan seks juga, semestinya memang bebas. kamu tidak boleh melakukannya dalam paksaan untuk situasi apapun. bagi kamu yang mengalami masalah kekerasan seksual, tolong segera cari pertolongan. kamu berharga. kamu dan tubuhmu berharga.

karena kamu adalah perempuan.

daftar pustaka:

irawati, diah. (2016). politik seksualitas dan pengabaian negara terhadap kekerasan seksual di indonesia. jurnal perempuan, vol. 21, no. 2: 70-84.

kimmel, m, s. (2005). gender of desire: essays on male sexuality. SUNY press.

marching, soe tjen. (2011). perkosaan dan harga "kesucian" perempuan. jurnal perempuan. ed. 71: 69-80.

#lokus

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