I don’t really know what to say to you but I feel like I’m obligated to say something. It’s so weird when it comes to you because I feel like I’m obligated to forgive you when I really don’t want to. I don’t want to forgive you for leaving us behind like you did. I don’t care what the reason was. You didn’t even say goodbye and we’re your fucking kids.
Mom might have known but we fucking didn’t. Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you come back to check on us? You told me I burned the house down because I ran away well what about you? You ran away too. You ran away from us. You finally come home. You finally see me again and then you just turn around and leave again.
Stop saying you want me. Stop saying you love me if you’re only going to continue to leave us in the dust. Yes, we’ve been adopted but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you in my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know you. I learned Alchemy from your handwriting. From the notes you left behind in your books. We learned your craft because we wanted to understand why it was more important than us. More important than Mom.
I don’t know if I’ll ever understand you. I tell myself it’s okay to hate you because it makes the pain hurt less but I can never do it. How hard is it to look after your kids? I’m only a man now because I never had the option to be a child and that doesn’t mean I don’t need guidance. That doesn’t mean I don’t need parents. That doesn’t mean I don’t need you. Why is that so fucking hard to see? I love Mustang but I love you too. Why is it so difficult to see that I want both? I can have both.
You can’t get upset that someone stepped up where you failed to act. You can be disappointed but upset? No. You don’t get that.. Talking to you is so difficult because you don’t hear the most basic shit. I want you in my life so why don’t you want us in yours? I don’t know why I’m writing this out you’re never gunna see it anyway. Al said it would help and I just - I dunno.
As predicted - it’s promptly crumbled up and thrown in the trash.
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tw: h*m*phobia, f*thers, ch*ld ab*se(?)
so my dad’s bday was yesterday and today is father’s day
and every year around this time since 2016 I just haven’t been feeling it anymore. Mostly due to the homophobia I’ve gotten since he found I wanted to go to prom with my gf at the time + some other childhood things that have happened.
When his bday and this holiday come around, I’m expected to say happy bday/fathers day and maybe give him something. but every time i’m just like.
does he remember the things that I remember. like when he’d beat me over small things. the time he grabbed me by my shirt and I pushed myself away and he proceeded to beat me over that.
does he realize how he made me feel the day he sat me down twice, when my mom was out of town, and told me he wouldn’t accept me being gay if I didn’t experiment with boys.
or when I had a pretty queer xbox gamertag and he threatened me with a bat
or when he asked me what did I know about being gay.
or when I went to Pride a couple years ago he asked if I was still faking being gay.
or just a couple weeks ago, when I was wearing my pride wristband in my own house, when we walked out to put my stuff in the car. He asked if I was still playing the gay game.
I asked him why he was so threatened by a wristband and he told he doesn’t believe in homosexuality and he didn’t want anything involved with it in his house.
So. I really hate it when his birthday/father’s day comes up. It’s a day to be appreciative, but how can I possibly appreciate him with all this shit tattooed in my brain.
Can one alter have a mental illness that only they have and the other alters don't get affected by it?
Some mental health issues would be universal. (system wide) Other mental health issues may affect one part or many parts. (i.g. Depression, anxiety)
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