one of the rumours the batkids looooove to spread when they join bruce going interstate or abroad for business, is that he's the biological father of all the kids.
this means bruce, talking to potential investors, or eating out with business partners, is frequently subject to the "your kids... there's a lot of them.... all yours.... how????"
sometimes the kids like to add depth to the lie, mentioning they all have different mothers, or that bruce engineered them all as lab babies.
the worst part is how many people blindly believe it. playboy billionare bruce wayne? sure he's swung a few women in his life, maybe he's just not overly careful??? or, with all that money, and no desire to wed, it makes sense that he'd seek alternative routes to have children.
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[JL Watchtower]
Batman: *alert, expression grave* We have an emergency.
Superman: *springing into action* Let's go, you can tell me the details on the way --
Batman: It's me. I'm the emergency.
Superman: *frowning, examining Batman with x-ray vision* No broken bones, no internal bleeding... what's wrong?
Batman: I think I'm drunk.
Superman:
Superman: You don't drink.
Batman: I had canned coffee. From the pantry. There's crateloads of them.
Superman: *remembering Flash's newest concoction* Oh
Batman: At first I thought I was just being affected by the sugar.
Superman: *remembering Flash mentioning that he had them specially made for his high metabolism* Oh no
Batman: You know I don't consume much sugar, Clark. I'm not used to it. I thought it was The Sugar Rush™
Superman: How much did you drink?
Batman: I'd already drunk two cans when I read the fine print. I --
Batman: *clutching Superman's shoulder, carefully enunciating* I imbibed two whole cans, Clark. Of metahuman-grade Irish Coffee.
Superman: *supporting Batman's free arm, keeping him from acquainting his face with the floor* Oh no
Batman: I feel strange. I made small talk in the cafeteria. I might've cracked a joke at some point. I almost told Green Lantern he did a good job on the last mission.
Superman: Wow
Batman: But he didn't do a good job, Clark.
Superman: *lips pursed, corners twitching* Mhm
Batman: My mental faculties have been compromised. I feel... bubbly.
Superman: *controlling his breathing*
Batman: I cannot be seen bubbly, Clark. I'm Batman.
Superman: *shoulders shaking, eyes glistening*
Batman: You need to get me out of here before I run around the cafeteria complimenting everyone.
Superman: Okay, just -- give me a sec --
Superman: *sniffling* I'm memorizing every detail of this conversation so I can replay it forever
+
[Later, at the Batcave]
Superman: *flies in with Batman in a bridal lift*
Batkids: !!!!!!!!!
Nightwing: We received his emergency alert --
Red Hood: What the fuck happened --?
Nightwing: -- he wasn't responding --
Robin: Is Father conscious --?
Red Robin: I'm getting Alfred --
Superman: GUYS, guys, calm down
Superman: *puts Batman down on his feet* B's just drunk.
Batman: *stands straight, dusts his shoulders, opens his arms*
Batman: Daddy's home.
Nightwing:
Robin:
Red Robin: Okay, pause everything, I’m getting a camera *runs off*
Red Hood: *unblinking* Is this real
Batman: How are you boys this fine evenin'?
Robin: It's 4 AM
Nightwing: Why is he speaking with a southern accent?
Superman: He's been cycling through accents since liftoff. No idea why.
Red Robin: *returning with an 8K camera in hand* BEHOLD, the reclusive Gotham Bat in his natural habitat…
Batman: *staring at the lens, hands lifting his cape open at shoulder-height*
Batman: *fangs bared* I bid you velcome.
Red Hood: *still unblinking, unmoving* This is the best day of my entire life
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