#(but also went through a rough mental health month for a bit there but let’s not talk about that lol) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lokisprettygirl · 1 year

Text

Lose me to Love you (Loki x Female Reader) (AU) (18+)

Read Chapter 33 here / Series Masterlist

Chapter 34

Summary: Things are getting back to normal but Loki can't stop thinking about his heritage.

Trigger Warning: 18+, Mention of torture and psychological trauma, violence, guns, discussion of mental health, Smutty smut, degradation, unprotected sex, Description of rape and assault, panic attack, violence against women, Extreme dark themes, Sexual abuse, physical abuse, public sex, Rough violent sex, 18+, Steamy stuff, age difference ,Rough language, mention of suicide, talk of virginity and slut shaming, manipulative behaviour, mention of trauma, smut, toxic relationship between main characters. Dark themes, cult stuff

"Yeah baby that's good ..right there" he let out a small moan and it made your mouth curve into a smile. He was so pretty whenever he moaned and you just wanted to keep him like this forever.

"Mmmhmmm? You feel good daddy?"

"Ohhh my.. yesss sweetheart, can you get deeper? Use those goddamn nails" his voice came out all raspy so you chuckled in response.

"You sound as if we're having sex"

"What? Noooo..well it does feel good" he got bashful as you hinted towards the moaning and groaning.

He had an itch in the middle of his back and his hands couldn't reach the spot so you were just helping him out but those moans were not helping. It's been two months since that awful day when he actually died on you, there were several nights you woke up sweating because you saw yourself holding onto his cold lifeless body. However he was always there to calm you down, you had to feel the warmth of his body and the touch of his lips to get yourself back to the reality.

"Okay lovebirds, help with the dinner please?" You heard Jane's voice so you looked behind and Loki peeked to the side as well. You both were at Thor's dungeon to celebrate his birthday, he didn't want to celebrate it but Jane was relentless about it, he was living in the city since they had started to date but you all wanted to come here to get away from there.

You couldn't wrap your head around the idea that the place where you were brought once after being kidnapped would end up becoming your comfort zone. You two always stayed in the room with the roof window, you loved it so much especially on rainy days and it was raining today, you couldn't wait to make love to him surrounded by the sounds of rain splattering on the window above you. You got up reluctantly and moved to the kitchen to help her, it was difficult trying to maintain a personal as well as a professional relationship with her because you both were definitely doing the documentary.

You two were getting trained to talk in front of the cameras when sharing about your past. Loki almost cried the day you both went to meet the actors they had hired for dramatic reenactments. The little girl held an uncanny resemblance to you and he was extremely emotional throughout the day after meeting her.

However working under Jane's production was also a little assuring because you could tell she genuinely wanted to make this as realistic as possible and didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize her relationship with Thor. She really did love him but he was just a tad difficult, just like how Loki used to be, he still was sometimes when he got into his head a bit too much but you always managed to pull him back to you. That's all he needed.

Since that day you could tell he was slightly troubled, you didn't want to snoop around but once he left his phone unattended and through his search history you found out that he was researching about the Norse myths for some reason, you wanted to talk to him about it but you didn't want to accuse him of anything. Things were just starting to get normal, maybe he was just curious, you knew he'd talk to you if he wanted to share this with you.

As Thor stepped out of his room you hugged him and wished him a happy birthday.

"You seem to be in a good mood" you teased him and he chuckled in response.

"Thanks starling. well we just had sex soooo" you gasped and you could tell from Jane's expressions that she wanted to dig a hole beneath the ground and jump in there.

Loki wanted to help in the kitchen but you dragged him out and made him sit down with his brother, they were having a few drinks while they played cards and every time your eyes met with him he smiled at you. There was something about the way he looked at you these days that had got you feeling all warm and giddy, it's not that he didn't treat you tenderly before but it mostly felt one sided, he wanted to soak you in his love but he was afraid of receiving it but since that incident he had been trying to get out of his shell and accept the love you wanted to give him. In and out of the bedroom.

The other day he actually allowed you to stay on top of him for a good few minutes while you rode him to heaven, his fingers stayed clutched into your hair, he was still dominating but he wasn't restricted in the way he wanted to be intimate with you.

Loki couldn't stop staring at you while you helped Jane in the kitchen, he wondered how you were getting prettier and prettier by the day. Everytime your eyes met with each other you had a flushed smile on your face and he had to restrain himself from wanting to get up and reach you so he could drown you in millions of kisses.

After his divorce he has vowed to himself that he'd never open his heart to someone ever again and he probably didn't even need to do that for you. You were always in there in his heart in one way or another, he had shoved the love he felt for you aside but it was all out in the open now and he just wanted to make you as happy as possible because he really adored that little look on your face and the sound of your giggles whenever he was giving you all the love that you truly deserved.

"Are you even listening to me?" Thor asked him and it pulled him out of his daydreaming. Thor poured him another drink so he chugged on it in one gulp.

"What were you saying?"

"Mother called this morning, wanted to see me" Loki looked at Thor curiously. Apparently Frigga was in an old age home in NYC, it was either that or a psychiatric hospital.

"Are you going to?"

"Not anytime soon..no" Loki hummed as Thor said that.

He himself had a talk with Frigga a few days ago, all these years he thought of her as his mother, she wasn't the best mother, obviously, but she was all he had in his life as a maternal figure. Discovering that he wasn't even her son had affected him, sure he was relieved to not have Odin's blood running through his veins but then who did he belong to?

The question kept bothering him so he asked her about his own family and where they kidnapped him from but she kept saying that he was Laufey's son, the son that Laufey had to give up to please the goddess Freyja. Just to entertain her he asked why did they keep him if he was the enemy's child and Frigga then told him that that's how Odin wanted it, he wanted to keep him like the prize of war so eventually when they all will return to Asgard, Odin could use him as a weapon against Laufey.

Of Course he didn't want to believe in the folklore but then why couldn't he stop thinking about it? Why was he getting so obsessed with the truth about his heritage?

"Let's play truth or dare" Jane said as you both sat down to join them for drinks, you didn't really like whiskey but Thor had vodka so Loki made you a little something to drink.

"Are you like ..four?" Loki asked her and she glared at him. The first time they met each other they both felt zero mutual attraction and it made sense now because he wasn't her type at all, his brother was. And now they had formed this endearing sibling type of relationship that you adored from the distance, only from the distance though because they got too childish sometimes.

"What kind of adult ass four year olds have you been around?" He rolled his eyes as she retorted. You had to use the bathroom so you excused yourself. You were washing your face when you felt someone's hand on your shoulder, it made you yelp and jump on your spot. You truly hated being alone these days

"It's just me..calm down sweetheart..just me yeahh?" he whispered as he pulled you closer, he could feel your heart threatening to burst out of your chest so he placed it hand on your chest and caressed gently.

"I'm sorry" you mumbled under your breath and he shook his head before he hugged you tightly, as soon as his scent infiltrated your senses you felt at peace.

"You okay my love?" He asked you so you nodded, the gray t-shirt he had worn was too tight on his body but you weren't complaining, you could feel every inch of rippling muscles underneath the fabric. After a few seconds he pulled you away and took his shirt off to dab the water off your soaked face. Again you weren't complaining at all. Your eyes fell upon the scar the wound had left behind, it was the constant reminder of what had happened but it was also the proof of the insurmountable godly strength your man carried within him.

"You're sooo drunk aren't you?" You giggled and it made him smile.

"I thought you liked the drunk me"

"I love the drunk you and the non drunk you" you grabbed the shirt from his hand and threw it behind you before you stepped closer to him. He stumbled on his feet as he took a step back.

"Feeling wobbly are we?" He noticed the change in the inflection but he wasn't going to fight it today, he had no will to do so. You grabbed his arm and took him back into the room then you sat him down on the bed, he tilted his head and gave you a small smile, pressing him down on the bed you straddled him, the back of his fingers ran over your cheek.

"I loveee it when you look like this" he mumbled softly.

"Like what?"

"This.. so freshh and natureeee..just the way you are meant to be" he was so drunk, you could tell by the way he was slurring on his words.

"Did you mean to say natural?"

"What did I sayyy?"

You giggled before you grabbed his hand in yours, you placed soft kisses on his fingertips one by one before you sucked the middle finger in your mouth, the digit disappeared completely in the warmth and you heard a desperate moan escape his throat.

"Would you still love me if I was ummm..uhhh big?" You looked at him curiously as he said that, was he insecure about his body? He didn't get any workout in the last two months except the sex of course but that had no negative effect on his physique whatsoever, his metabolism was crazily high.

"I'd love you no matter what lo..you know that right?" You asked him as you leaned over to him to kiss him.

"If I was blue in color and had scars all over my body, would you still love me?" you chuckled as he mumbled and it made him smile too.

"You could get as big as you want and you could be blue or red I won't care, I'd continue to be obsessed with every little inch of you, big or small" you whispered the last words in his ear and he smiled but then something else started to bother him, he had no grip on his emotions but atleast he knew he could always share the matters of his heart with you and you'd never judge him for that.

"I went to heaven when I died"

His eyes teared up so you sat up taking him along with you, you both were still healing from the trauma that Odin had inflicted upon you two, sure he was opening himself to you more and more but it also left him feeling extremely vulnerable and you were more than happy to take care for him during such moments.

"You did?" You curled your fingers around his neck to caress the nape and he put his head down on your chest.

"Mmmm.. I know Jennifer forgave me but it was because I helped her, but…what about those girls I didn't help?" His eyes welled up even more and the look on his face broke your heart "They died an untimely death and I get to go to heaven? Meeee?" He questioned you so you cupped his cheeks and kissed him as softly as you could.

He had mentioned before that when he died he went to a place that seemed perfect, he met a woman who claimed to be his real mother but you just figured that he was dreaming, he was technically dead for 9 minutes and maybe he had those Dreams after they brought him back and he just got confused.

"Maybe they were there as well, how would you know? You were only there for nine minutes" you said to him, your thumbs rubbed over his cheeks to wipe the tears away and he nodded like a child. He wanted to believe your words. Maybe they were there and he didn't see them.

"You think they would forgive me?" He looked at you again as he sniffled

"I'm sure they already have lolo" you whispered softly and laid him back down on the bed slowly.

"Would you touch me please?" He questioned you, the dim light in the room, the sound of the rain hitting the window above you two and his body underneath made you feel intoxicated. You trailed your fingernails down from his sternum and he sucked in a breath as you reached his torso, it didn't take you long to unbutton his pants and grab his hard cock in your hand. Latching your lips onto his neck you sucked a mark while stroking him simultaneously.

"That's good lolo?"

"Mmmmm yesss please..don't stop"

"Not going to baby" he moaned at the pet name as it made him feel so small, so little but he didn't despise it, he wanted to feel small beneath you, for once he just wanted to feel free and allow his girl to do whatever and however she wanted to do it.

"You're so pretty lolo, i always wanted to tell you that you are the prettiest thing I have ever known in my life..in every fucking way" he gasped as you took him inside you, every inch of his body felt aflamed when you started to roll your hips back and forth, he grabbed onto the headboard and watched your breasts jiggling with every move you made, once in a while he grabbed them in his hands, they fit just right, just perfect enough.

You didn't ask him or command him to cum, none of you had to say a word as both of your orgasms approached, your bodies felt synchronized and you were able to clench around him at the same time as he had filled you up.

You felt completely spent so you laid down on his chest in order to collect your breaths. He could feel you starting to doze off but sleep was the last thing on his mind, he felt extremely awake after that mind-blowing release.

"Lolo?"

"Mmmhm?"

"Why did you ask me if I'd love you being all blue and stuff?" He chuckled as you questioned him.

"Just a thought sweetheart..just a silly thought" you hummed as he said that.

It wasn't just a thought though, either something has awakened inside him or he was finally losing the last bits of his sanity because as he lifted his right hand up that he was using to caress your back, he could have sworn that he saw streaks of blue flashing through his pale skin. He saw it with his own eyes and he didn't know what to think of it.

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Taglist :

@annoyingsweetsstranger @whylokiissocute @loki-s-wife @fraoid3 @siggytumbles @crzyplantladyvibes @stupidthoughtsinwriting @vickie5446 @wheredafandomat @mcufan72 @xxntiimulti @loz-3 @dishahaldar @mcdesij @scram1326 @elthreetimes @army24--7 @sinsandguilt @holotacopeely @blog-the-lilly @disneyismyworldforever @bunny24sstuff @kats72 @somewiseguy-blog @asgardianprincess1050 @multifandom-world8 @loki-laufeyson-1054 @daddylokisqueen @lulubelle814 @huntress-artemiss @itsybitchylittlewitchy @rogerrhqpsody @praq123

#loki x female reader #loki #loki x reader fluff #loki x reader #loki x reader insert #loki x reader fic #loki x you #loki x reader angst #loki x reader smut #loki alternate universe #loki au fics #dark themes

97 notes · View notes

mallowstep · 11 months

Note

i hope you’re doing okay. 💙 it’s ok if you don’t answer this, i just wanted you to know folks are still thinking about you and wanting good things for you.

thank you babe (and thank you to everyone else who sent a message to this effect; i will answer them when i can)

i'm doing pretty well right now. i've been very busy at work, working on a top secret classified project (god only knows when you'll get more details than what i've already shared ;3), and also just. recovering from depression. there is so much of my life that even months out from the worst of it, i'm still trying to pull the pieces back together.

i have been writing a little. it's been difficult, mostly because of numerous incidents regarding writing and mental health (if you've been here for a while, you probably know about them; if you're new, the tldr is "mallowstep went off the wall for a bit and he's fine but it left him feeling bad"), and now i face down the summer which is...rough, mentally.

i don't know what normal looks like for me right now. i want to write but i don't know how it will fit into my life. i'm still making space for myself, in all the chaos and reconstruction. i know writing will be a part of normal for me. i just don't know where it fits yet.

it's been a while since i've felt like myself. the hollow feeling is abating. i am finding words to describe emotion again, that are more than just there or missing. i have been thinking about the stories i have yet to work on. what i want to tell next.

it has been an incredible two years for me. when i started this blog, i had just been broken up with by my boyfriend of three years, only a month or so after my childhood cat and dog had died one day apart. i was coping with so much impossible grief: i wrote the second chapter of i'll come back to you someday soon myself after my grandmother died, and i did not write anything after that for quite a while.

my wrists are healing. they hurt a little today and i'm not sure why, but they are healing.

i'll be going back to university as a natural resources major. i want a job that lets me protect and cultivate the forests i find so much comfort in. the complex webs of their ecosystems bring me so much delight. did you know trees talk to their daughters? did you know they care for their children? protect them?

it has been an incredible two years. i met my now-partner, learned how to actually trust people, and failed out of a year of college due to collapsing mental health. i went through approximately one million assessments to get a diagnosis and understand what was happening to me. i had a doctor tell me i was being undermedicated to an astounding degree. i had to let go of my beloved plants because i couldn't keep myself alive, much less then. i found a job i love so much i am eager to go to work every morning.

i honestly don't think i would've recognized who i am now, back when i started out here. i have become someone who trusts. who has connections with people. who does not fear so much. (i have also become someone who cries as i drive home from work sometimes. i have also become someone who needs to sit on the floor and count all the pieces of art i can see. we move in spirals, not straight lines.)

all of this is to say, i have been quiet on here for quite a while because i have been recovering from two years (a lifetime) of some truly exhausting events, as well as letting myself find things i enjoy. when i got out of high school, i loved what i was doing academically. i had very little passion. it had been bled out of me.

i am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you. your support, even in my period of dormancy, has meant so much. my relationship with writing sometimes feels like i am fighting my double, trying to balance both my need to use writing to understand myself, and my tendencies to ruin myself in the process.

i still don't have any promises to make, because i really don't know what's next for me. but i am still here, and you all still mean something to me.

with all my love, mallow

24 notes · View notes

bihansthot · 1 year

Note

I had rough times and deleted everything on my phone to feel a bit better. Just downloaded tumblr few mins ago and instantly I got the notification of your post. Damn I missed out what happened lately… first of all I know your bday is passed but still HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Second: CONGRATULATIONS!! That’s a big thing actually but people have different opinions and reactions to stuff so I don’t wanna be all negative about what just happened and your HUSBAND? When did that happened, I feel like I’m in the movie interstellar. Love you and I hope you feel better soon! 🤍🤍

You know I’ve been awful at responding lately when I missed two bday wishes and my bday was over two weeks ago. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you as you probably know my life has just been medical chaos lately.

We sat down and had a good talk about it and it turns out I had totally misconstrued what they meant and I got upset for no reason. My partner (I’m trying to be better about using this term instead of husband now because they are nonbinary) explained that they very much wanted to celebrate my transplant anniversary with me and that I deserved that and reassured me that they were just in a bad head space at the time because they had been so worried about me lately with all the medical problems and hospital visits. I had no idea they had been so worried and stressed out about me because my partner has high functioning autism and adhd so they have a hard time expressing or showing emotion, so we agreed to try and be better about letting one another know when we were worried or anxious.

The current plan is we’re going to go to Las Vegas the weekend of the 25th of Aug and my actual transplant anniversary is the 25th. So it works out nicely for time off purposes for them that it’s on a Friday, I really want to go to the Bacchanal Buffet and Din Tai Fung and stay at the Luxor but everything else is kind of up in the air. I’m really proud of myself for making enough mental progress over these last few years to finally enjoy and celebrate this huge milestone, I may still hate the fact I had to have a heart transplant in the first place but it’s the reason I’m still here and dammit I’m going to eat some amazing food, get drunk and play slot machines because I’ve been through a shit load and deserve a celebration. I also want to honor and celebrate my donor though because without them I wouldn’t still be here and they are no longer with us, so I’ve decided to stop being a sad miserable, depressed, pitiful creature and live life for both of us. It took me a long ass time to get out of the self loathing, wanting to end everything pit but I finally am happy with life and happy with living so I’m going to make sure they get to experience that too in whatever philosophical way you want to interpret that.

So, for clarification sake I’ve been married to my then husband now partner for over 10 years now, we started dating 17 years ago and have been together ever since. I just don’t talk about them or being polyamorous too much because I see a lot of hate towards nonbinary people and polyamorous people, to clarify I’m AFAB personally gender fluid though I lean female and use female pronouns, I’m also pansexual if anyone was wondering but prefer men. My partner is AMAB, bisexual, nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns and I’m super proud of them for discovering who they are, because it hasn’t been easy for them. My boyfriend on the other hand is AMAB uses he/him pronouns and is very heterosexual but isn’t a cis het douche he’s all for trans rights and a good guy all around. So to summarize I’m polyamorous and have a partner of 17 years and a boyfriend of almost 9 months now. Both relationships are going very well and my mental health has never been better.

I hope your doing better my love I know you mentioned you went through a rough patch and I hope that’s all over now. I’m sending all the love.

#sol life #polyamourous #non bianry #gender fluid #pansexual #this post is all over the place #heart transplant #anniversary

4 notes · View notes

andswarwrites · 1 year

Text

Day 10

I've written about my mental health in bursts and starts over the years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I’d like to start from the beginning and tell the story in its entirety, from the label "crazy" and how it affected me as a youth, to my roller coaster ride of highs and lows in my twenties, to my psychoses, my diagnosis, my therapy, and ultimately this period of stability I now cherish. It's going to be a four-part-er I think, starting, as I said, with Part One: Stacey is Bipolar (a teenager with "mood swings")

Both of my parents are blonde and blue-eyed, so both of my siblings and I are blonde with blue eyes too. Our family has heard a lot of blonde jokes. Blonde is supposedly synonymous with airhead. When someone would start telling blonde jokes, I would join in, because I wanted to show that I wasn't bothered by this brand of humor. I learned at a young age that taking offense and getting upset is not as efficient as staying calm, and laughing at yourself along with people.

As a kid my playmate of choice was my best friend, but when we moved I only saw her from time to time, and my new neighbor was a little bit younger than me, and we didn't always get along. Since I was homeschooled, and we lived in the country, I didn't experience playgrounds and bus rides the way my daughter did. From hearing of her experiences, I don't feel I missed out on much. I volunteered at my N-'s school library and I must say if I had attended primary school, I think I would have liked the library best.

I attended a little English school in Baie Comeau for Grades 7 and 8. It had all grades, from Kindergarten to Grade 11. At Recess, the littlest kids would traipse through the halls, and would bestow hugs on the High Schoolers. I thought High School was rough, but honestly, that school was a kiddy pool compared to the schools I would attend in Grade 9. I think my parents were wise to enroll me in that school. My teachers told them I went around in a daze for the first three months.

I'd say my closest friend at that school was a girl who was one grade ahead of me. Since certain grades didn't have enough students to fill a classroom (this was a tiny school), our classroom held two or even three grades. My friend was thoughtful, quiet, calm, and I gravitated toward her. She's the one who told me I had mood swings. Apparently, this was normal teenager behavior. In Grade 9, I changed schools three times, and by the end of the year I was fed up and asked to be homeschooled again.

My mom didn't like it when people called me crazy. I think they meant I was bubbly, hyper and impulsive. And I could be. I could also sit for hours with my nose stuck in a book. When I was alone, I drew, I read, I wrote. When I was in social groups I didn't know how to act. I had a strange sense of never fitting in, and I didn't know why. There must be something wrong with me, I decided, but I didn't want to let on that that was how I felt. It was when I felt like I had no friends that I started long distance correspondence with two sisters. We would send one another bricks of doodles, drawings and of course, eight to ten page letters.

One of the most profound things my psychiatrist told me while he was in the process of diagnosing me, was that bipolar disorder has nothing to do with personality. Who I am as a person, who I always have been, is not tainted by my mental disorder. All those times I identified as "crazy", as a defense mechanism because others used that label on me, it wasn't true. At some point during my teenage years, I began to have "ups" and "downs". I don't remember them, though, because my parents provided me with enough structure and support that I was able to remain relatively stable.

You see, bipolar disorder can make you manic or depressed. You can either burst with energy and live on a "high", or you can crash and drag yourself around in a "low". My highs weren't as apparent to my mom as my lows were, so she worried that I struggled with depression. But then the low would pass, and she would be reassured. I didn't clue in until my twenties that something was up, and even then I didn't seek professional help. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I didn't know how to go about consulting.

It's funny, I guess a mental disorder actually does classify me as "crazy", but I no longer use that label to identify myself. When I was a teenager, I developed the habit of putting myself down as a defensive strategy, because I thought if I did it first, that would empty the arsenal of everyone else. I was hyper focused on my flaws and failings, so I thought everyone else was too. It took me a while to learn that no one is perfect, we all mess up, we all need to be forgiven, we all need to forgive.

If I can love others even when they're not perfect, why would I be the exception to that rule? Why would I need to be perfect to be lovable? Chasing perfection is unhealthy. As a teen, I think my mental health was crushed under the weight of seeking to be perfect far more than it was affected by my bipolar disorder. But my symptoms of bipolar disorder were going to worsen, until crisis point. Like I said, my parents provided me with a lot of structure and support. They kept me consistent, they helped me meet my goals. But what would I do when I left home? I'll tell that story tomorrow.

#bipolar disorder #mental health #personal

2 notes · View notes

whentherewerebicycles · 2 years

Text

hello! prepare for a long chatty life update. I went out with friends last night and it was so nice wahh. then I slept nine hours and that was glorious too. turns out this week’s sleep trouble was just my usual pre-period insomnia and not my new magic sleeping meds failing me. phew!!! I took Pip to our new vet this morning for his annual checkup and he was such a sweet boy even through the indignity of many shots. 😭😭 I love my little dog so much. also when Pip sits his front paws point outwards in a way that makes him look like he’s posing, and today the vet techs were like ‘awww how sweet! you know that’s actually a genetic deformity, right?’ I was like ummm excuse me. this is the best dog who has ever lived and he is perfectly formed in every way so think carefully about how you describe his flawless & unique paws please!! anyway he is in excellent health and three different people independently praised him for being so lean & well-conditioned. I can’t wait for fall (and/or to get him to seattle) so we can resume his preferred 70 min walks instead of the 30 min forced marches we are limited to in the summer.

then I came home and started working my way through one of the books I bought on evidence-informed learning design in training contexts. it’s interesting so far! not a lot of new content yet but it’s kind of nice to go back to basics and resolidify my understanding of core concepts/frameworks. I feel like it’s making me a bit sleeeepy though so I might just do an hour each day instead of trying to power through. I have four weeks left before new job starts… I think I just want to read two or three of these fairly dense books so I go into the first month feeling like I have an understanding of how the L&D profession overlaps with/differs from the classroom pedagogy stuff I’m more familiar with. I also want to read more about the history and structure of my government agency so I have at least a rough mental framework to fit first-month new information into. THAT SAID as psyched as I am to get started on a New Project (tackling a new job lol) I need to remind myself to also enjoy this time and try to use it to really fully decompress from the year and job search stress. it’s okay to just let myself enjoy this month of very few responsibilities.

next week I need to reach out to my current boss to let her know that I accepted the position… and I need to do that sooner rather than later because they’re starting to process my security clearance and that involves interviewing my references. I hope she isn’t upset with me for kinda changing gears after we talked last, but I’m also reminding myself that it’s normal to change jobs and that I went above and beyond trying to make things work with them… they didn’t move fast enough to make it feasible for me and it’s okay for me to make decisions that prioritize my own long-term future (because academia sure as hell won’t do that for me!). I can’t decide if I hope the grant funds come through & they let me do it as a part-time position with support staff, or if I hope it doesn’t come through and my energy is just freed up to focus on the new job + creative projects. we will see what the universe decides.

we released the first two episodes of our hockey fandom podcast yesterday and have gotten a nice response so far! I am deep in planning/research mode for future episodes and might spend the rest of the afternoon working on that. I feel like my brain is a little bit too fried still to write short things or fully dive into my new long project (I need a bit more rest/recovery I think) so I’m gonna let myself continue taking a little break from writing and instead focus on building out this other project so it’s up and running by the time the job starts. ooh and I am also going to beta a friend’s fic this weekend—tonight or tomorrow tbd.

okay let’s see. going to drive to target now to pick up a curbside order and then I think I want to lie in bed doing nothing or maybe thinking a bit about podcast planning. I have this idea that if we can create like… a planning structure of some kind? a brainstorming and research template kinda thing? it’ll help organize and streamline our prerecording thinking so we can have deeper conversations in the actual recording session. I like the idea of designing a repeatable learning exercise that will make the planning process more seamless, so if we get really busy with real life stuff we won’t have to expend as much intellectual bandwidth on the prep & planning work each week. idk just something I am kicking around we’ll see. mmkay! if I go to target I will have cherries to eat 😍 so it is time to make the quick drive over.

#daily processing

8 notes · View notes

arwenkenobi48 · 1 year

Text

Life Update: The Good, The Bad and The Cautiously Optimistic

I just want to start off by saying that my graduation day was wonderful. That day was one of the most beautiful and happiest I’ve had all year. A day worth staying alive for. I reunited with old friends, made new ones and went on a thrift store shopping spree. Then there was the beautiful Christmas market in the centre of town, where I got a new dragon plushie and had the most delicious vegan bratwurst ever.

However, despite my initial euphoria, I unfortunately made an error in judgement and have ended up in financial difficulties again. But rather than succumbing to a mental health crisis as I had previously, I sat down with myself and said “Ezra, you don’t have to keep living like this. Let’s try and find you a job.” So that’s just what I did. I’ve applied for a well-paying job for a very noble cause and I’ll be hearing back from them in January. I’m legitimately hoping and praying that I get it. It’s been a while since I wanted something so bad. I not only want it, but I need it too.

I’m also in touch with a specialist psychotherapy unit who can get me onto a waiting list to receive treatment for my trauma. It might be EMDR, but I don’t know for certain. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that a lot of my triggers are audio-based and as a result, my flashbacks take the form of auditory hallucinations. They’re not voices, just eerie discordant music.

They’re unsettling as all hell, but I have plenty of grounding techniques and self care methods to ensure that they don’t last very long. It somehow only just dawned on me that that’s what it was, because it was so normal to me. I just never realised that it’s not something everyone experiences. But I’m not ashamed of it. It is what it is and I’m taking care of it to the best of my ability.

I got a bit sick on Thursday but brushed it off as a seasonal cold. After getting a bad cough, however, I’ve decided to self isolate in case it turns out to be covid. I don’t think it is, but I’m not willing to take any chances. I’ve stockpiled enough groceries to see me through the month so I’ll be ok in that regard.

Next year is looking very promising indeed. I’m moving house once again (and will have more housemates too!). Hopefully I’ll be employed by then. Depending on what the outcome of my application is, as well as my next meeting with my housing officer, I might be able to get a pet when I move into my new house. I’m thinking of adopting a black manx cat and a ferret. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

It all depends on January, really. The results of my job application could have an incredible impact on my future. It’s been a rough one this year, it really has. But things are starting to look up despite how hellish things have been. This month particularly has been much better than I could have ever hoped for. I pray that the new year brings brighter times, not just for me, but for everyone. ❤️

#arwen speaks #life update #employment #mental health #graduation #self care #tw auditory hallucinations #therapy #self love #progress #healing journey

6 notes · View notes

1d1195 · 3 months

Note

You’re the absolute sweetest Sam😭 possibly posting part 8 in honor of Harry and I 😭😭 I’m genuinely so touched!

And i hope the mixed reviews of part 7 won’t hinder you to continue writing characters and stories that include these types of conflicts! I can understand the frustration that some people may have about the reader but by saying “she needs help/to not act like that” isn’t really doing much. I’m pretty sure we are all aware what she does is not healthy but getting help is not that easy. And let’s say she does get help, healing is not linear so she could get worse or have a rough journey! And that also shouldn’t stop her from experiencing love and happiness!

I’m pretty much projecting here bc I just talked about my own guilt and like stuff like that today in therapy lol BUT undoing those behaviors is HARD and from an outsiders perspective it can seem simple enough to fix but sometimes it’s hard to separate and look back at the situation when you’re the one in it! She IS capable of getting better and SHE CAN ABSOLUTELY GET BETTER! Things take time and of course it can’t be represented in their story yet bc hello?! The story needs conflict in order to keep the plot going!

Plus, mental health struggles aren’t “beautifully tragic”, people act differently and do things that hurt others, intentionally or not on top with so many other factors. So the MC acting like that is pretty valid in a sense that she currently can’t see that her actions do hurt people and herself because of heightened emotions!

People who have gone through trauma and have yet to “fully overcome” it deserve love too.

Anyways you don’t have to post this , I would never want to bring any negativity towards you so if you wish to let the subject go, please don’t feel bad to do so! Just know that you’re so loved and the wonderful stories you put out are so lovely!-💜

Omg, of COURSE. I would love to post in honor of both of you. I’m sure Harry would appreciate it as much as you 😉

No, it won’t hinder me. I’m just a bit frustrated because you’re right. I want there to be plot and anxiety and catharsis. Like I love fluff as much as the next person but I don’t think it makes for the most interesting story. I usually save all fluff pieces for extras/check-ins. I’ve said it before, I think I’m just being dramatic a little.

Please project. I appreciate you going to therapy because twinsies. Now I feel like I don’t have to—thanks for doing the heavy lifting bestie 😂☠️

You have the best thoughts and ideas. You always put what I’m feeling into words and I’m so grateful for it. My hope was to describe a character with the issues you explained exactly. She wants help, NEEDS help, but is struggling to let people in and it won’t change over night. She might hurt people in the process.

I’m happy to post this one just because I think people should see how well you write 💕

Also, I went through my blog for the last couple years to appropriately tag asks and inspo and I didn’t realize how long we’ve been chatting 😭😭😭 in my head it was only like two months (I have no concept of time—or time flies when you’re having fun, ya know?) but it’s been a regular interaction for like 6 months or so 😭😭😭 I’m so happy to have you in my life (even just spiritually) 💕

Xoxo

P.s. “people who have trauma and have yet to overcome it deserve love too” i would like this tattooed on my forehead 💕😭

#💜#dolcezza

0 notes

astraymetronome · 1 year

Text

A Restored Smile in The Morning

Summary

Izuku Midoriya has been suffering for the last month. He lost his mom, any will to live, and joy in anything, so it surprised him when someone actually shows interest in his life. He doesn’t exactly know how to feel about it.

At least he has a sibling now?

____

A continuation to A Tear Stained Face in The Evening. Please read that one before this for context and, genuinely, more story.

Notes

This is gonna also have many mental health topics and angst so the same rules apply to this one as the first.

Read at your own risk.

Song For This Story is No One Is Alone the GLEE Cover

Part Two of the Our Emotions in The Night Series.

Word Count - 3,838

Midoriya didn’t expect to be stirred awake by the sound of cooking. His brain was fuzzy at first so he didn’t notice the savory smell, but he could hear it. He sat up a little bit, sniffling as he brought his hand up to his head. He honestly needed to let himself go over the things that had happened over the night.

“Morning, Izuku.” A rough sleep heavy voice pulled his attention away from the sounds of bubbling. He glanced over towards the black-haired man and blinked owlishly at him before his memory flooded back.

He sharply inhaled before breaking into a coughing fit as he curled into himself a little from the action. His chest was really sore from having a binder on for too long yesterday and the combination of his near-hypothermic experience. He felt a hand press on his back before he grasped a blurry cup of water.

Izuku gulped it down greedily and panted as his body calmed down. He glanced back towards Aizawa and leaned into his touch when his hand moved from his back to his forehead. The man sighed defeatedly before getting to his feet. He felt his body shiver as he pulled the blanket up a little and sniffled again.

’ Of course you had to get a cold, now I’m gonna be even more of an inconvenience. He thought to himself bitterly as he looked down towards his bare feet. His fingers and toes were red and nearly frostbitten. He had been out for a while wearing only socks to protect his feet from the cold so at least it hadn’t progressed enough to hurt him. The warm shower he took last night probably helped with that.

“Take these, they’ll get your fever down and make you sleepy,” Aizawa told him as he was handed two gel capsule pills. He was a little unsure but the man had shown him nothing but kindness so far so he wanted to trust them both. He quietly took the meds and gulped them down with more water before rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

“Hey Sho, go wake up Hitoshi, I wanna make sure they eat before I head to the Station.” He heard Hizashi call out to the man next to him. Bunned-up blonde hair peaked from around the corner with a face attached before green eyes widened a little. “Morning, little listener.” He added eagerly as he turned back into the kitchen.

Aizawa, or sho?, got to his feet and went down the hall to Izuku’s left. He heard a door open before two cats came down the hallway. He barely caught sight of the gray tabby and black tuxedo as they disappeared into the kitchen, most likely to eat their own food.

Two sets of footsteps followed shortly after and he glanced back over to see Aizawa and a purple-haired teen walk out of the hall. He blinked in confusion and froze up when they made eye contact. He quietly looked away from the other person and started to just mess with his hands as they headed into the kitchen. His arms and thighs itched like crazy but at least they weren't bleeding.

He was quietly running his fingers through his hair for comfort before the other teen sat down next to him. He was curled up into himself and trying to take up very little space. He messed with the blankets over his body before the two cats seemed to just spawn in front of him. The tuxedo crawled into the other’s lap while the tabby sniffed his hand before trying to squirm its way into his lap. He’s never owned pets before and most strays wanted nothing to do with people so he wasn’t used to this.

“That's Numachi. she seems to like you.” Purple eyes told him as they burned into his lap. He knew that the other teen wasn’t trying to be mean but he really felt overwhelmed by it. “I’m Hitoshi.” He heard them say. Izuku glanced over at the name and quietly started to pet the cat in his lap.

“Izuku, what’s that one's name?” He added to try and change the subject. He really wanted to hide and keep to himself. It was safer than anything else.

“Hade. Dad thought it was funny.” He heard them admit with a small chuckle. He glanced back towards them with a soft smile of his own. He didn’t exactly know what to say. No one had properly been nice to him since his mother.

”She’s dead because of you.”

He shook his head and tried to ignore the nagging of his own thoughts before Hizashi called his attention. “I’m done, come eat!” He said with a bright smile. He watched as the taller teen got up and placed Hade on the couch before taking Numachi from his lap. He got up after a moment and quietly followed as he sat down next to Hitoshi. He quietly glanced over and then at Aizawa as the men sat down across from them.

“Izuku, after we eat, can I treat your arms?” The black-haired man questioned as he slid a bowl of rice in front of him. He quietly blinked a little as his hand subconsciously moved to rub his thighs, able to feel the scabs without much effort. He could his quirk force uneasiness around the room, so he quickly tried to fix it.

“Y-yes! That's fine, S-sorry!” Midoriya said swiftly, looking up to find a bowl of scrambled eggs with bits of spinach inside. He felt tired as he saw the concern fade over Hitoshi's face. He was tired as he proceeded to anxiously rub his arms.

“I am not upset with you. I just want to make sure you don’t get an infection and don’t need stitches.” Aizawa continued as he offered Izuku a set of chopsticks. He felt anxious as his bandaged hand gently took them from him and he quietly started to eat. He was done with this conversation for now.

________

Once they’d finished breakfast, Hizashi had to leave for work. He watched in awe when he left their bedroom in his Present Mic getup which honestly made him a little gitty. He didn’t know how to feel about it but he liked the man’s radio. He’d donated his remaining money there after all. When the blonde was just about to leave he kissed Aizawa’s cheek and said, “Love you, Shouta.” before walking right out the door.

Izuku didn’t know how to feel about that but he wasn’t one to judge. He had no reason to. The medicine he took was working its way into his system, leaving him relatively tired as he waited for the other man to get the first aid kit.

When Aizawa sat the red box down next to him, he just watched as he left once more. The adult returned with fluffy gray fabric that Midoriya couldn’t help immediately reaching for. He held it close to his chest as he burrowed his face into it, able to pick up his mom’s perfume under the nice detergent they had used. He just melted into it and closed his eyes.

“Izuku, can I have your arm? I don’t need both.” A gruff voice interrupted his moment of peace as he glanced up at him for a moment. He gave a slight nod and handed his dominant hand over without any complaint.

He could feel Shouta looking over his arm and gently checking any open wounds. He let him do as he pleased while just continuing to bury his face. Her perfume should be in his bag so he could always use it on the fabric to give the scent back.

The thirteen-year-old was just about to doze off when he felt his other arm get tapped. He shifted and let him have it, pulling his other sleeve down and leaning against the arm of the chair as he quietly huffed. Izuku didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep once more. His head was resting down and he could feel a warm fluffy fabric rub against his neck as his brain went blank with sleep.

_________

Midoriya woke up after a little bit to find Hade and Numachi laying on his back. He was tired as he felt the cats move off his back and quietly curl up with each other near his feet. He blinked sleepily as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He didn’t expect to see Aizawa the moment he got up. He squeaked as he pushed himself against the back of the couch. He calmed down after a moment and quietly placed his hands in his lap as the man spoke.

“If you want to change, your clothes are done Izuku.” The man told him simply. Izuku was quick to his feet as he moved over. He grabbed his hoodie and binder before heading out to the bathroom. He changed into them and relaxed a decent amount at the comforting fabric. He opted to use the restroom while he was in there only to be surprised by blood in his boxers. He felt panicked since he hadn’t started his period yet. He didn’t really understand it because his teacher’s never let him go to sex ed. According to his school, if he wanted to be a boy, he had to be taught like a boy. He knew everything that guys are supposed to know and his mom hadn’t had a proper conversation with him about it.

He felt embarrassed about it. None of the people in the house were girls or like him so he didn’t know what to say to them. He was starting to cry without meaning to and he could feel pain in his abdomen.

A knock sounded on the door after a moment as he glanced over. He quickly just stuffed toilet paper into his boxers before pulling them and his pants up. He wanted to act like it hadn’t happened. He washed his hands as he spoke up. “One sec, s-sorry!” He told whoever was waiting quickly.

Izuku rubbed his eyes after he opened the door. He blinked a little at seeing Hitoshi as he moved to head back into the living room. He saw Shouta waiting for him as he sat down on the floor. He didn’t wanna accidentally stain anything. It wouldn’t be nice and they might kick him out. He rubbed his eyes once more as Aizawa spoke up.

“Hey, we need to talk. About last night.” He started softly which made him turn to watch his lap. He bit his lip as he looked away before quietly responding.

“Can I ask you something? After?” He asked as he messed with the wraps that covered his arms. He didn’t know how to feel about them but his arms were okay now. They didn’t hurt as much so he was okay right now.

“Sure kid, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable,” Aizawa admitted as he sat down and watched him. “Can you tell me what happened after your mother passed away? I don’t think that’s the only reason you tried to do this. I just want to know more, Izuku.” He said simply.

“My… My mother was h-hit by a car… on her way to work.” Izuku told him as he looked away. He hadn’t told anyone about it really so he was unsure of how to respond. “I know I already told you t-that but still… I... I had made her late. If I hadn’t b-bothered her about how she o-over works herself she wouldn’t have been l-late. S-she never would have been h-hit..” He bit his tongue, but he knew his thoughts were clear to the man.

”She wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for me.”

“Izuku, no matter how many what if’s or maybes will change what happened. It’s not your fault, I may not know your mother, but I’m pretty sure she would not want you to take the blame.” Shouta said softly. It made guilt and anger pool in his chest. He wanted to say that he had no right to assume but he also knew it was true. His mom wouldn’t want him to blame himself or the person who hit her because that's just how his mother was.

He shook a little as he rubbed his eyes and felt tears drip down almost immediately so he tried his best to calm down. “I-i know…” Izuku whispered as he hugged himself and tried to just ignore everything so he could calm down.

“Could you tell me about your father? Did he not notice that you were spiraling or-” Aizawa started, but he was quick to interject.

“My dad is in America... W-with his new g-girlfriend. My parents are d-divorsed.” He muttered before continuing. “Plus.. He h-has basically abandoned me…” He muttered as he glanced away. His eyes were glowing a little as his quirk bubbled under his skin. He could feel the familiar burning sensation of it swirling around in his eyes. His eyes would often glow color to reflect his inner feelings, anyone who knew that could tell where his head was when it got to that point.

“What do you mean?” Shouta asked. He glanced up and watched the man’s eyes respond with curiosity before seeming to make the connection of his quirk.

“My dad doesn’t like the fact I’m trans…” He admitted before glancing away and swallowing his nerves. “The day of… M-mom’s funeral, he deadnamed me and stole her jewelry… I managed to... Get her wedding ring and… This.” He told him as he pulled the necklace from under his shirt. He gave a soft smile while he continued.

“It isn’t much but everything I have of her is in my bag... I wanted to be near it when I… You know..” Izuku explained as he sat up before rubbing his eyes. ”When I killed myself…”

“I’ll have a friend of mine look into your father, is that alright?” He asked in retaliation for which he just opted to nod. “Okay, I’m sorry he said that to you. You don’t deserve to be called anything you aren’t comfortable with. I need to ask you something and I’m sorry for any inconvenience but; was there anything else?”

He didn’t exactly know what to say. He didn’t wanna get anyone in trouble so he started to scratch at his hands. He started to fade into his head before the man’s hands took him and pulled them apart. “You’ll irritate the rash..” He said softly before looking up at him again. “Izuku, I understand if you don’t want to tell me.”

“That's not i-it, I p-promise!” Midoriya replied swiftly as he sat up. “I-i do wanna tell you..” He added as he moved a hand to tug on his curls. “I… I just don’t wanna get them in trouble..”

“Izuku, if anyone gets in trouble it’s because of their own choices. Anyone, your age should know how to be a good person by now.” Aizawa stared blankly as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Please. I only want to help you.”

Izuku could feel his chest bubble with building tears as he rubbed his eyes and gave a tiny nod in response. He let out small sobs as he heard words he’s wanted for years. He knew he wasn’t in the wrong; his classmates had just begun to be unnecessarily mean.

“My... My peers have never liked me..” He whispered as he messed with his hands and tried to quiet his crying to at least be understandable. “I don’t know how or if I c-can turn my quirk off, so… They get mad and blame me for everything.” He muttered as he continued to shakily whimper.

“Kacchan used his quirk on one of his friends out of anger once… He told the teacher I used my quirk to manipulate his emotions and make him mad…” Izuku looked down as he quietly continued. “I don’t even know if I can do that… but... That was a while ago..”

“Nowadays they just leave spider lilies and notes on my desk… telling me to kill myself.” He admitted with a bitter chuckle. “God... someone even drew me hanging on the board and the teacher had me erase it during detention… It was up all day..”

Izuku felt his emotions swell up again. He felt his chest grow tight and panic starting to seep in before Aizawa rubbed circles on the back of his hands and used his quirk to help him calm down. His quirk made him more emotional so not having it made it easier for him to control his feelings.

“I-I’m sorry… J-just give me a second…” He muttered as he pushed his head against the man's chest. He was trying to stop his tears as he leaned against him. He was tired and honestly, a part of him just wanted to melt into the man's given comfort.

“Don’t apologize kid. You are allowed to show your emotions.” Aizawa’s voice was right over his head as he quietly felt his chin burrow against the top of his head. He could feel him trying to calm him. After a moment or two, he sniffled and looked up with a little huff.

“What they did… I-it wasn’t okay… Right?” He asked as he went ahead and sat up more. He rubbed his eyes as he went ahead and quietly curled into him more. He sniffled as he glanced over and noticed Hitoshi standing near them.

“You didn’t deserve that.” The taller teen spoke up. Their father looked over and gave a soft smile. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.” They added as they rubbed the back of their neck.

“It’s okay…” He told them as he rubbed his eyes before opting to quietly sniffle. “I can understand being curious. After all… I’m the kid w-who’s invaded your home…” He told them with a gentle smile. He rubbed his eyes and sat up a little bit.

“Are you feeling better?” They asked as they handed a cup of warm tea to him and a mug of coffee to their father.

“Yeah… A little.” He admitted as he went ahead and watched as Shouta got to his feet and sighed.

“Izuku, when my husband gets home, we need to talk about what to do now.” He explained simply as he went ahead and sighed. “Nothing bad, I promise, we need to consider your mental health and family situation.” Aizawa explained as he quietly sighed.

Izuku felt really tired after their conversation. He rubbed his eyes as he went ahead and sat on the couch. “What was your question, kid?” He heard Shouta call out from the kitchen.

He turned over and gave a soft smile. He was embarrassed as he anxiously stood up. He was very uncomfortable and he could feel it swell on his cheeks. “It’s… It’s embarrassing.” He told the man as he anxiously rubbed the back of his neck.

“I um… I started bleeding…” He muttered before quietly messing with his hands. “From.. well… um…” He explained as he peeked over his shoulder and relaxed a little when he saw that Hitoshi had seemed to step away. He sighed before anxiously continuing.

“I’ve neverhadthishappenbeforesodoyouhaveanythingIcanuse?” He asked swiftly. He saw the way Aizawa seemed to blink in a bit of confusion before responding.

“Kid, we have some in the bathroom. My friend Nemuri leaves some stuff here since she’s over all the time.” He explained as he led Izuku toward the mentioned place. He was giving a careful smile. “There is some in the bottom cabinet, help yourself.”

He ended up getting the things he needed before quietly sitting down for a nap. Aizawa handed him some Midol to help with any pain. He dozed off easily and without much fuzz considering everything had absolutely drained him.

__________

Izuku woke up to the sound of the door opening. He was very sleepy as he sat up. He rubbed his eyes and quietly hummed. He stretched as Hizashi stepped into the living room. His head hurt a little as he proceeded to get to his feet. “Hey, ‘little listener, did you just get up from a nap?” The man asked.

“Mhm… Sorry…” He muttered as he then moved to start putting the blankets up and away. He was trying to clean up the area considering he was the reason they had blankets and pillows out here.

“Don’t worry about that! You’ll be sleeping here until we talk about living arrangements.” The blonde told him, seemingly without any thought. Izuku had to take a second to consider what he was saying. He blinked in utmost confusion before turning to see Aizawa stepping out of the hallway.

“We do have a guest room though, depending on what you say, it could turn into your bedroom.” The man explained simply. He didn’t know how to feel about the straightforward way to talk about foster care.

“What?...” Izuku felt his voice grow soft as the two adults looked at him.

“Dad and Pa won’t take no for an answer, from my experience.” A voice called from the couch which made him squeak in surprise and turn to see Hitoshi sitting on the couch near him. “Either you stay here or they get you into a good foster home.” They said simply.

Izuku could taste his salty tears before he noticed he had started to cry. He brought his hand up and started to whip them away. Aizawa gently took his hands, smiling softly as he spoke up. “Look kid, no matter what, we will get you somewhere safe. We gonna see if you wanted to stay with us for a little bit to decide if you want us to foster you, or even adopt in the future, if not then we can find someone you’ll be comfortable with.”

Izuku was quietly crying still as he nodded a little. He wanted to show he understood as he sniffled and spoke up. “Y-you’d really keep me?...” His voice was soft and broken as he watched them.

“Of course Kiddo, we’ve been considering fostering another kid anyways. Sho’s already claimed you anyway.” Hizashi said with a chuckle. Izuku glanced at the other man as he sniffled before nodding and shakily breaking into sobs.

“P-please… I-i wanna h-have a home a-again.” He said swiftly as the blonde crouched down and pulled him into a hug. He was breaking down in his hold, sobbing away as he felt another set of arms wrap around him before a third pair weasled their way in as well. He didn’t mind though, just leaning into the comforting touch.

For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, Izuku finally felt like he had a family back. It would never be his mother, but it’s good enough for him. He knew she’d leave eventually, and he was glad to have at least found a home again.

Notes

Hade - Fancy

Numachi - Swamp

That's the cats' names, I went ahead and figured out the words in Japanese to name them that way.

#Spotify #bnha fanfiction #mha #midoriya izuku #bnha #aizawa shouta #dead inko midoriya #fanfic #my hero academia #archive of our own #a restored smile in the morning #our emotions in the night

0 notes

brooklynbaby45 · 2 years

Text

how did i stay away from you for so long? (caleo uni au)

this is a fic i wrote around a year ago that im posting here! i also have fics on my ao3! enjoy <3

Calypso grabbed her bag and got out out of her car. She hurried through campus, determined not to be late on the first day of her third year of college. The last one was rough. Family trouble, drama within friend groups, mental health, breakups- she was lucky she even made it through the year. She pulled out her phone to check the time. 3 minutes till class began.

"Shit."

------------

Calypso plopped in her seat and let out a breath she'd been holding in. She arrived just in time- her professor was starting the lecture. She sat around for most of the lecture, partially listening and partially not. Towards the end, she finally began to start paying attention to the words being said to her.

"-A project for the beginning of the year." Calypso's head snapped up. She glanced around the room, seeing everyone's bored faces. A notification came up on her phone, and Calypso immediately went to see who it was.

Did you hear that?

Oh, Katie. She texted again.

What are you so annoyed for Cal? 😏

Calypso rolled her eyes and turned her head to Katie, who was giggling in her seat.

Calypso would be lying if she said every time someone texted her she hurried to see if it was her ex-boyfriend. Sure, she broke up with him months ago. But what if he randomly reached out to her? What if he felt some kind of remorse? What if he wanted to apologize?

"You'll be in pairs of two." Her professor explained. "Pairs that I have chosen." He took out a paper and started going through names. Calypso bit her lip. Her ex was in this class. What if- no. It'd be a truly unfortunate coincidence if she got paired with her ex-boyfriend for this project. She had nothing to worry about. She grabbed her water and took a sip. "Billie Ng and Katie Gardner. Jake Mason and Kayla Knowles. Calypso Nightshade and Leo Valdez."

Calypso choked on her water. She started coughing and trying for air, while the guy sitting next to her awkwardly patted her back. When she could finally breathe, she blushed and apoligzed. "Sorry."

Leo Valdez? As in her ex Leo Valdez?

Uh uh. No way. She couldn't work on a project- let alone work alone with him. Not with the way they left things off.

The professor called the last of the names and looked up from the paper. "Your assignment is to go over the lives 4 well known woodworkers. You have 3 weeks to do so. Good luck!" All of the students began getting up to find their partners. Calypso stayed in her seat, still in shock. She glanced up at her professor who was looking at the students around the room and sighed.

"Hey."

Calypso turned around and immediately tried her best to hide her shock. Standing before her was her ex-boyfriend, Leo Valdez.

She and Leo had an interesting history.

They met at the beach late at night. Calypso's car had broken down and Leo offered to fix it. After a few hours of talking, they exchanged numbers. Their first months of dating were magical. But as the relationship went on, and their lives went on, different things happened that effected both aspects of their lives. Leo's two best friends split up, making things awkward for him. He moved away from family once again, so he started to miss them. Along with that, old memories kept haunting him.

Calypso's father was the same man, cranky and rude. Her sister ran away, her parents got divorced, and she was taking more courses in college. They were both stressed. And they both didn't exactly handle that stress in the best way.

Leo handled it by making jokes and distracting himself. Calypso focused on what she was stressing over far too much, and let herself let everything out instead. They couldn't comfort each other in the best ways because they were too busy trying to comfort themselves.

Calypso broke up with Leo.

"We're not making each other happy, Leo." She explained, watching Leo stare at his hands. "We don't listen to each other, and neither one of us are in good places mentally right now."

"But it's me, too?" Leo suddenly looked up. "You're upset with me."

"We're upset with each other."

"So you're upset with me?"

Calypso inhaled. "Leo, I don't think our coping mechanisms match. And that's fine. I just don't appreciate you joking around when I complain about something."

"I was trying to cheer you up."

"It didn't work."

"I don't like when you cry." He countered. "I don't like seeing you upset. And crying stresses me out, too."

"If you don't like seeing me upset then you would leave me be. We're only ruining each other."

Leo looked down again. "Right." He stood up and went to the door.

"Leo-"

"I get it, Calypso. Bye."

Calypso watched him walk out the door and immediately broke down.

It took Calypso a while to get over the breakup. She missed a lot of things about Leo. His smile, his laugh, his hugs, their weekly dates, their unproductive study sessions. Even his jokes, despite some of them being at the wrong time. She missed him.

She finally got over him when summer came around and she could finally get away from him. They hadn't spoken since they'd broken up. And now here they were. Partners on a project.

Calypso blinked a few times before responding. "Hi."

"Do you wanna, uh, decide how we can work on this?"

Calypso glanced at his hands. They were messing with the strap of his backpack- a clear sign he was uncomfortable. "Uh, sure. I'm free Friday if you-"

"Yeah, Friday's good. Do you wanna meet at my apartment?"

"Your apartment?" Calypso repeated. "Uh... sure?"

"Okay, cool. 6 pm." He turned and walked away quickly. Calypso immediately smacked her hand to her face.

"Why did I agree to that?" She groaned, taking herself out the room.

-----------------

Calypso played with the end of her hair, debating whether or not she should knock on the door. She didn't know why she was so worried. She'd actually put thought into how she looked today. The outfit was effortless- a white spaghetti strap tank top tucked into some boyfriend jeans and a pair of white sneakers. She even put thought into her makeup. But Leo had seen her countless times before without makeup on, and it didn't make any difference in how he saw her. So why did she care so much about how he viewed her today? Why had she looked over herself 20 times in the mirror before leaving the house? All the things she didn't need to worry about while dating Leo were now at the front of her mind. But why? She'd been here countless times before. But this time was different. This time, she wasn't going over as Leo's girlfriend, but as his project partner. That might've been even more of a downgrade than an ex-girlfriend.

Calypso ran out of time to think. The door opened, revealing a very distracted Leo.

"O-oh." He stuttered when he made eye contact with Calypso. "Have you been waiting here?"

"No!" She lied. "I just got here, actually." Leo glanced at his hand that was holding a full trash bag.

"You can come in." He stood to the side and Calypso walked in. "I'm just gonna go take this trash out. You, uh, know your way around." Leo walked out and closed the door, leaving Calypso to his apartment she knew too well.

As usual, Leo's apartment was steaming hot. It was (a tiny) part of the reason why she dressed how she did today.

It was clear he tried to somewhat clean up. His couch was tidy, and most things were put away neatly, except for a few controllers on the coffee table that were clearly from a previous visit. She walked into his kitchen, and things were the same. She finally made it to his bedroom, where it looked how it did every time she'd been here before.

Calypso had so many memories in this room- so many memories that she know had to throw away.

His TV was where she and Leo had had movie marathons for days, giving her a good excuse to stay over for so long. His work table was where Calypso had learned to properly use a hammer- this time without hurting herself. And of course his actual bed, where they had too many food fights to count, good naps, and some other things Calypso wouldn't mention in spite of her "innocence".

Calypso walked over to the corner of the room where a wooden bookshelf stood. It was made by Leo because Calypso always read books when she came over. Why hadn't he gotten rid of it? Well, it's a nice bookshelf. Calypso thought. I wouldn't get rid of it either.

"Hey." Calypso turned to the voice and saw Leo standing in the doorway.

"Uh, hi." She stuttered against her will. "Are you- do you, um-" Leo shrugged and plopped on his bed with his laptop. Calypso didn't move, not because she didn't want things to be even more awkward, but because of a thought lingering in her mind. "Did you wash your hands?"

Leo looked up from his laptop. "I wore gloves."

Calypso raised her eyebrow. "I didn't see you wearing any."

"I guess your eyes didn't catch it then."

"My eyes?" Leo let out a loud sigh. "Don't even."

"The only contact I made was with the handle of the trash bag." He groaned. "I barely touched anything else!" He went back to whatever he was doing on his laptop. "But I wore gloves."

Calypso's nose wrinkled. Had he worn gloves? She usually made him wash his hands and wear gloves back when they dated. Had he thrown away that habit that quickly? What other things did he get rid of- or worse, forget.

Maybe her eyes hadn't caught it. Leo spent all this time cleaning his apartment. Why would he not wear gloves? To purposely evoke her?

"Maybe I didn't see." Calypso mumbled, looking down at her hands.

Leo looked up. "What?"

"Maybe you wore gloves." She looked up at Leo's face. He was successfully holding back a smile, but she could still tell he found it funny. The creasing around his eyes, the way his hands were distracted. "Sorry. I didn't mean to start something the second I got here."

"That's fine." Leo shrugged. "I have some people I think we should research... if you-" He didn't finish his sentence, instead motioning to his laptop.

"Oh!" Calypso walked over and sat next to him on the bed, squinting at the names on the screen.

"I figured we could each do 2. Unless you wanna do it another way."

"That's okay. Who do you wanna do?" Calypso looked up from the laptop, finding Leo already staring at her.

"Hm?" He asked, blinking and focusing on her eyes.

Calypso's brow furrowed, but she chose to ignore it. "Which two people do you wanna do?"

"Uh...Ole Kirk Christiansen and- wait, who do you wanna do?"

"I don't really care who I get."

"Okay.... so him and Ronnie Biggs."

"Great." Calypso opened her own laptop and started working. Leo didn't start till a few moments after.

They worked in mostly silence for a while. The sounds of their fingers tapping keys filled the air, along with the sound of Leo tapping his pen. The pen's tapping was a noise Calypso would've been thrown off by around a year ago, but she'd become so used to it while they were dating she hadn't even realized it until she really listened.

Leo popped up from where he was sitting and started to leave the room. Calypso wasn't going to say anything, but her curiosity got the best of her. "Where are you going?"

"I'm hungry." When he reached the door he turned around, making eye contact with her. "Want anything?" Calypso felt her face heat up. For what? She thought. He's just looking at me!

Calypso had been trying all day to avoid talking to Leo as much as possible. But of course he just had to talk to her and act like everything was fine. Like they hadn't not spoken to each other for months.

"N-no." She managed, mentally hitting herself for both stuttering and lying. She'd been so worried about coming over she had forgotten to eat breakfast.

Leo shrugged and left the room. When he came back, he was holding a bag of Doritos and bowl of strawberries. Calypso loved strawberries. Was he gonna eat them in her face? Immature, but it did sound like something Leo would do.

He set the bag of Doritos in front of himself and the strawberries in front of Calypso. "I said I wasn't hungry." Calypso said, looking down at the strawberries. It came out as a question more than a statement.

"No offense, but I don't believe you." Calypso examined Leo. "I'm not trying to start anything, Cal.- Lypso." He added on quickly. Calypso tried her best to ignore the way her stomach felt when she heard her nickname. "Do you.. want the strawberries?"

"Maybe."

Leo let out a small laugh and beamed. Calypso's stomach did a hundred flips all at once. She realized how much she missed his smile and his laugh, both incredibly contagious. She forgot how much she loved being around him- when things weren't like how they were right now.

"I'm assuming that means yes."

Leo didn't return back to his work for a while, instead eating his chips. Calypso worked and ate at the same time, glancing over at Leo every so often to see if he would finally start.

"When do you plan on getting back to work?" She asked at last.

Leo shrugged and looked into the bag of chips that was half empty. "When I finish my chips."

"The entire bag?"

A playful smile formed on his lips. "Are you shaming me?"

Calypso felt herself smiling, too, but quickly stopped. Calypso started beating herself up inside for giving in to Leo's attempts at making her laugh. Maybe they were intentional. Maybe they weren't. Maybe, it was just Leo being Leo. But that was the problem- she was supposed to like Leo. They're exes, and that's the way it should be. Right? She thought. "Just wondering."

"I'll have to wash my hands once I'm done, and that'll hold me back." His smile grew, this time she could tell it was sarcastic. "Do you think I should have worn gloves?"

It's jokes like these that make Calypso love Leo. The stupid jokes, the ones that aren't even that funny, cause her to forget about everything and laugh. And she does.

For a second.

She notices what's she's done and becomes angry. Not just at herself but at Leo, too. She's not supposed to be enjoying his company. And he's certainly not supposed to be enjoying her's. Why can't she stop herself? Why does he have to be so... irrisistable?

"Can't you ever take anything seriously?" Calypso snaps.

Leo's eyes widen, his smile fading away. "What?-"

"You should be working anyways. Not joking around with your ex-girlfriend."

Leo's eyes instead squint, his face turning into an expression like Calypso's. "Are you kidding? What have I done?"

"What have you done? What haven't you done Prince Charming!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Ugh!" Calypso got up and stormed out of the room. She was about to get to the door leading out of his apartment, but Leo's hand grabbed her, forcing her to stay. "Leo-"

"Calypso, I get you're stressed-"

"Stressed? About what?"

"Us breaking up! And your feelings, and-"

"My feelings? What do you know about my feelings? And you'd have to be delusional to think that I'm stressing over our breakup!"

"Deny what you want."

Calypso ignored him, forcing her arm away from Leo and storming out the door.

-----------

Calypso thought about their fight the entire weekend. After a long time, she came to a conclusion.

She overreacted.

Calypso now stood at Leo's door on a Monday afternoon, completely unannouced and not invited.

This time, she knocked.

"Who is it?" A voice that definitely wasn't Leo's called.

"Uh- Calypso?" Calypso called back.

After a few seconds the door opened, revealing a girl. She was a little shorter than Calypso, had curly black hair, and had black smudges all over herself.

Calypso blinked a few times trying to process what she was seeing. Did Leo have a girlfriend? Why hadn't he told her? Well, he didn't really have to tell her anything. They weren't dating, after all.

"Oh, Leo's project partner?" The girl replied. "One second." She turned around and yelled: "LEO, SOMEONE'S HERE TO SEE YOU!"

"Yeah?" A more familiar voice called from the doorway of the living room. The girl stepped to the side, letting Leo see Calypso. He was covered in black smudges, too- the same ones the girl had. "Oh." Leo walked across the living room to the door. "Do you need something?"

"To uhm talk. To you." Calypso admitted. "Unless you're busy or..." Calypso's eye unwillingly went to the girl standing next to her.

The girl shook her head furiously. "No, gosh, sorry! I'll go!" She practically ran past Calypso, leaving just her and Leo.

Leo spoke first. "Sorry about Hazel-"

"No, it's fine. I hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

Leo laughed lightly. "Interrupting anything? What would you be interrupting?"

Calypso shrugged. "I don't know. Things, I guess." Leo scanned her long and hard, and Calypso had to clear her throat to get herself back together. "That's not why I came here, though. I want to apologize."

Leo stood up straighter. "Oh?"

"Yeah. I may have possibly overreacted." She glanced up at Leo's face, and he wasn't impressed. "Okay not possibly, but definitely. I just felt vulnerable and insecure because everything's so complicated in my head and I don't know how I feel and... ugh, I don't know! I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry."

"I get how you feel. It's fine."

"Do you wanna work on the project again sometime? I'll try not to blow up again."

That same comforting smile came back on Leo's face. "Yeah, that's cool. Is Wednesday okay?"

"Are you free then?"

"I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't." Calypso could tell he meant no harm in his reply from the laugh in his voice.

"Okay then." Calypso laughed. "I guess I'll see you Wednesday?"

A few footsteps came behind the pair. The girl was back, this time looking, less confident than she had before. "OH!" Leo motioned to the girl standing before them. "This is Hazel."

Hazel forced a smile. "Hi." Calypso said. She turned to Leo. "She's your...." She didn't finish, wanting Leo to say it so she didn't have to. Leo looked confused, waiting for her to finish.

"Friend?" He answered once he noticed she wasn't going to add on.

"Oh."

"Who'd you think she was?"

"I am definitely not his girlfriend!" Hazel gagged. "We're just friends! I came over to paint with Leo and get advice with- this guy." Her eyes shot to Leo. "The same guy who just asked me out!"

"Actually?" Leo grinned. Hazel nodded, looking terrified. "Isn't that good?"

"It's amazing! But what if-" She suddenly remembered Calypso was there. "We'll talk about it later."

"I should get going." Calypso admitted. "I have work to catch up on. I'll see you around?"

"Of course, Sunshine." Leo winked.

Calypso said goodbye and left, failing to ignore the burning sensation in her cheeks and the butterflies in her stomach.

----------------

A lot happened in the 3 weeks the pair worked on the project.

Calypso started letting old memories and habits come back, despite a lot of them being associated with her ex-boyfriend.

One thing were the nicknames.

"Hey, Cal?"

"Sorry, Cal?"

"Hey, Sunshine."

"Thanks a lot, Little Miss Perfect."

"Why don't we work outside?" "What do you mean it's hot?" "It's a perfect day out, Sunshine."

Another were the cute things.

"Leo, it is not cold in here." Calypso sighed, staring at him on her bed in her apartment.

"It feels like Antarctica!" Leo whined, rubbing his hands over his arms.

"You've never been to Antarctica! How would you know how it feels?"

"I just know that it's cold. Don't you have blankets in here?"

"You're such a baby." Calypso argued, leaving the room.

"Calypso!" He cried after her. When she returned, she held two blankets in her arms. She threw both onto Leo.

"Don't say you're too hot."

"Two is a bit much." Calypso glared at him. "But I appreciate these very much." He added quickly.

Calypso couldn't help but watch Leo instead of doing her work. He was covered in blankets, not seeming to care about the layers of cloth piled on his head. Calypso smiled to herself.

And then there were the familiar things.

"You kept this?" She asked, staring at the plant in Leo's kitchen near the window. She'd given it to him back when they were dating as a 'starter plant'.

Leo peeked over to where she was from the fridge. "Yeah." He searched her for approval. "Why?"

"Why hadn't I noticed it before?" She wondered aloud.

"We've never really spent much time in the kitchen."

"You mean I haven't spent much time in the kitchen."

Leo grinned and agreed. "Why do you ask?"

"Hm?"

"Why do you ask about the plant?"

"Oh." Calypso looked back at the plant. "I don't know. I just thought that... y'know... since we broke you would've... I don't know. Gotten rid of it?"

"There's a few things I kept. The things I didn't want to go to waste."

"Like the bookshelf?" Calypso blurted out, immediately regretting it.

"You noticed that?"

"You said I could look around. And it's, like, 8 feet tall."

Leo chuckled at the last part. "Do you want the plant?"

Calypso thought about it. "You keep it. It seems you're taking good care of it, anyways."

"I've had help from my mom."

Calypso remembered his wondefrul mother, Hemithea, a woman who she'd spent a lot of time with. She wondered how his mother felt about her now. "That makes sense."

"Are you trying to say you didn't expect that I could take care of a plant all by myself?"

"Could you?"

"Um- well-"

"That answers my question."

"You could show me sometime." He suggested. "Y'know, taking care of plants."

Calypso considered it. "Maybe I could."

And more.

"Are you wearing perfume?" Leo asked, squinting at Calypso.

She tugged on her necklace nervously. "Yeah. Why?"

"What kind?"

"The kind," She said, mocking his use of the word. "Is cinnamon."

Leo shook his head. "That's not what I'm smelling."

"I lit a candle before you got here." She leaned over to her nightstand and picked up the candle. "Sparkling Citron and Oak Barrel Vanilla." Calypso blushed as she read the scent, thinking back to when Leo had told her he liked it before.

"That's definitely what I'm smelling."

Calypso laughed and set the candle down. "You like it?"

Leo looked up at her from where he was laid across the bed. "You know I do."

-------------

And the familiar things that felt too familiar.

Calypso woke up, covered in a blanket and- a pair of arms? She slightly turned her head to see who it was, but her wondering was cut short when a few curls fell in her face.

She wasn't supposed to be sleeping over, and she surely wasn't supposed to be cuddled up in bed with Leo Valdez.

Her heart started beating faster, and she felt her cheeks from warm. She cleared her throat and contemplated waking Leo up. She could have, she really could. But the feeling of his breath of her neck, his amrs wrapped gently around her, his body pressed to her's were too familiar.

So she fell back asleep, just for a while, before Leo woke her up on his own.

Her eyes fluttered open, landing on the man rubbing his eyes with his hands. When he stopped, his eyes met her's. "Sorry." He whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's fine." Calypso assured him, sitting up as well. She looked over him, taking notice of his stressed state. As much as she would like to think Leo just wanted to hold her, she knew that wasn't true. He had a habit of hugging pillows in his sleep whenever he had- "Nightmares?" She guessed.

Leo's gaze turned to his hands. "Yeah." Calypso opened her mouth to ask him about what he saw. "I don't wanna talk about it. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Leo. It's fine."

They held each other's gaze, wondering when the other would look away. Luckily for them, neither one did.

----------

It was the last day of the 3 weeks when the thing she had been worried about for days finally ste in: after today, she didn't have an excuse to hang out with Leo.

How could she find a way to hang out with him? Bribe the professor to assign another assigment involving partners and pair them up? Make a bunch of lame excuses for coming over to Leo's place? Or, she could do what she'd been afraid of doing for a while now.

Accept her feelings.

Calypso still loved Leo. All those feelings she thought had left weren't just coming back for no reason. And besides, they could work things out.

Both Calypso and Leo and started attending therapy, learned to communicate their feelings, and own up to their mistakes.

Was that all they needed? A little time apart to reflect and grow? What a waste of tissues and ice cream.

Calypso zoned out as Leo went over their final presentation before they handed it in, instead focusing on how she could reveal the way she felt without freaking him out too much.

"How does it look?"

Calypso blinked a few times and snapped back into reality. "Uh, great."

Leo smirked as if he didn't believe her. "What was your favorite part?"

"The words?"

Leo set the laptop down. "What's on your mind?"

"You." Calypso cringed at her own words.

Leo smirked once more, inspecting Calypso. "Flattering. But I want specifics."

"Is that not specific enough?"

"What having to do with me?" Leo leaned against one arm on the bed.

"Me." Leo's eyebrow raised. 'You and me."

"Really?"

"Leo, I'm going to kill you."

Despite the threat, he looked pleased. "Is being broken up really what we both want right now?"

"It's not what I want." Calypso responded. "So what do you want?"

Leo sat up, now inches away from Calypso's face. "You."

They didn't wait for the other to say anything. Their lips crashed together, taking in the feelings that were oh so familiar. Leo's lips moved against her's, taking no time to speed things up. Calypso moved her hand to the back of Leo's neck, pulling him closer to her. He responded by wrapping his arm around her, pushing the two of them to the bed.

Leo's lips tasted like strawberries, thanks to the bowl of them Calypso had made him eat after he ate an entire bag of Skittles. Her hands ran up and down his neck, from the end of his curls back down to the space just before his back.

Leo pulled away, both of them breathing heavily.

"How did I stay away from you for so long?" Leo huffed.

"Does it matter now?" Calypso asked, which was her way of saying 'Shutup and kiss me.' Luckily for her, Leo knew what she meant. His lips crashed back into her's, back into their own familiar world.

#caleo #leo valdez #calypso #calypso x leo

1 note · View note

justsometarotblog · 2 years

Text

February Pick a Card

We are going in to February lets see what might come up during the month.

This reading is valid for February 2022.

If you're seeing this after February 2022 it might represent how the month went for you.

Piles go from left to right

1. 8 of Wands, The Wheel of Fortune, Page of Pentacles The things you've been working towards in the past couple of months will take off in the month of February. I see that you will be feeling that things may be too good to be true!

I see that you will be very happy and quite occupied with a lot of things to do during the start of the month. However, you may find that you are a little overwhelmed towards the middle especially if you're the sort of person who prefers to be more organised.

Toward the end of the month you will really be able to harness this fast pace energy and use it to pursue your own goals. You may find yourself starting a new hobby or finding a new job. These things will bring blessings and stability towards you.

You may really need to hang in there when things get overwhelming this month. In the past when this happens you may have been the sort of person to let these feelings take you down. You may have become a little bit self destructive when things have been difficult to cope with. Try your best to persevere during this time. If you can get through this successfully you will be setting yourself up to manifest more of your goals in March.

2. Ace of Pentacles, 7 of Cups, The Sun In the last couple of months you may have either been sick and lost track of your goals and habits or you needed to take a break from your regular routine to catch up with your mental health.

There may have been many bittersweet feelings in the last couple of months which got you thinking about who you are and how you've got here today. I see that during this time of catching up with yourself you were able to remember various dimensions of your being.

You are probably wondering what is the next step for you to take now that you've been able to breathe. You seem like the sort of person who has considered many paths in life.

In the month of February I see that you will be finding your answer. The best path towards success in your current scenario is to ask yourself which one of the decisions I make will keep me the most grounded? This month you will also realise that a lot of the things you thought you were going to do were purely lead by your emotional state. While this is not 100% a bad thing, you are being called to consider logical solutions as well. From here you will be able to narrow things down and make a fulfilling decision for yourself.

Some of you may be thinking, "How can I do that? I'm not usually inclined this way." I'm seeing that developing routines and exercising will help you get in touch with your logical side. Towards the end of the month you will be feeling much more sure of yourself.

3. 5 of pentacles, 5 of Cups, Hierophant

Things have been very strange for you in the last few months. You may have had many scenarios where you have felt like you have completely lost control of your life and situation.

This is because your external circumstances have been quite overwhelming, you have begun to neglect yourself to some extent. You may be beginning to feel like you are unlucky and that things will always go wrong for you. That my friend is completely untrue.

The reason for you feeling so tremendously burdened is because you are resisting the need to take responsibility for what is going on in your situation. You might be feeling quite upset about your situation. You may be waiting for someone to come save you.

You will definitely have alliances in the future who will help you in rough times. But for now you are being called to save yourself. The month of February will be about surrendering to your troubles. Not in the sense where you give up, but surrendering meaning that you will acknowledge that there is a large task ahead. Once you come to terms with this, things will begin to improve.

#Tarot #tarot reading #free tarot reading #pick a pile #pick a card #pick a card reading #free tarot #month ahead #tarot cards

115 notes · View notes

winter-soldier-vibes · 3 years

Text

I wasn’t there

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2510

Warnings: self harm/self harm scars, little bit of angst, mostly comfort, tears

Summary: Reader self harms and Bucky sees her scars one day on a mission by accident. He feels guilty and wants to help her as much as he can now that he knows.

Based on the quotes: "Show me your scars, I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there"

A/N: Thank you SO MUCH to the anon who sent this in! Not going to lie I was bawling writing this, I love it so much. This deals with heavy topics and mental health so as always, if you feel that reading this will be harmful to your journey in any way, please feel free to skip it. As always, I am here to talk about anything you guys may need.

A/N 2: Ok there’s a part at the end that I don’t think is technically canon but it’s rumored and has been talked about before in regards to some of Bucky’s scarring on his left arm. I know it’s not a confirmed canon thing but it honestly works so well and I believe it’s true, please don’t come at me for that. <3

Tags: @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @abitgryffindorky @buckfics @freigeistundanderes

Main Masterlist

------------------------------

You trudged back to your room in the compound, exhaustion taking over your body. You had just gotten back from a mission that had taken the life out of you, more so than any others on the team. You had the power to control elements, but whenever you did it drained the energy out of you. At one point you had been surrounded, forcing you to lift the ground around you to knock everyone back.

It was more than you had ever done at once, and nearly made you pass out.

You were able to finish the mission, but you were absolutely exhausted, the worried eyes of Steve, Bucky, Bruce, and Natasha looking over at you. Nat was flying the quinjet, but still glanced back at you from time to time. Bruce was there mainly for medical help, as there wasn’t need for a code green. Steve was just Steve, being worried about you as your Captain. And as the friend of your boyfriend.

Bucky meanwhile would not leave your side. He was concerned, even after Bruce had determined you were nothing more than completely exhausted. He insisted on you lying down and him staying next to you. It was nice to know that he cared about you so much, he would do anything to protect you.

Which is what made your heart ache when you saw his face drop when you had said you were fine, and walked off to your room when you had arrived home.

It wasn’t that you wanted to be around him, not at all. It was just that you wanted to take a shower and wash the sweat and grime off of you, and you didn’t want him to see. Not yet, you hadn’t told him yet.

When you closed the door to your room, you peeled off your uniform, exposing your skin littered with scars varying in depth and age. You turned the water on and leaned against the countertop as you took in yourself.

God, you hated them.

You had struggled with self harm for a while now, but it was better than it had been before. It had been really bad before you had started dating Bucky. It’s not like it magically went away when you did, not at all, but just being around him made it easier. Him telling you how much he loved you, spending time with you, you helping him feel more secure. You weren’t alone in your head as much,

He helped and he didn’t even know it.

You traced your fingers over the most recent ones on your wrist from a few days ago. They had scabbed over by now, but the memory was still fresh in your mind. It was a panic attack in the middle of the night, and you didn’t want to wake anyone. You knew this would help you and it did. It grounded you back to the moment, calming you down as you focused on the stinging sensation rather than the panic.

You looked down at all the other marks you had made. Most of them were on your thighs, because they were the easiest to hide. It was easier to wear pants in the summer than long sleeves. But you were running out of room, moving to your arms instead, trying to stay away from your wrists. But a few days ago you couldn’t even think about it through your panic attack. Sometimes you couldn’t think about it, being so overwhelmed that you weren’t quite aware of what you were doing until you saw the blood.

You remembered making every single one of them. They all had a story, a reason. And all of them were different.

You wanted to tell Bucky, you knew you would have to eventually. The two of you had avoided intimacy up until now, and slept in different rooms unless either of you was having a rough night and asked the other to stay. It wasn’t that you didn't want to be intimate with him, you had been together for months. But you had to tell him about this first

And you couldn’t find a way to quite yet.

You just couldn’t find the right time or words. You didn’t want to scare him off, and you didn’t want him to look at you in the sad, concerned way that people usually do with this sort of thing. You didn’t want to put this on him. And you for sure didn’t want him to blame himself.

You sighed, tearing your gaze from the mirror. You stepped into the shower, letting the warm water wash over you. You stood there like that for a few minutes before you moved to wash your body, taking your time. You had no plans tonight other than going to sleep.

Bucky had watched you walk slowly back into the tower, wanting to follow you but also wanting to respect your boundaries and space. You were exhausted, but he wanted nothing more than to comfort you the entire night. But you didn’t want him too, and he wanted to respect that.

Still, it broke his heart to watch you limp away. He felt helpless.

He couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong with you. The way that the two of you had been together for as long as you had without some form of intimacy. He was patient, he would never want to push you, but he wondered why. Whenever the two of you had a conversation you had seemed to stiffen slightly and get uncomfortable.

He never pressed it. Just dropped it and hugged you, telling you it was fine to wait.

But the more time passed, the more helpless he felt. He felt like you were hiding something from it. He just wished he knew what it was so he could better help you. But in a way he understood. Everything that he had gone through - forcing someone to open up usually unintentionally makes them shut down.

Even so, as he went back to his room he couldn’t stop thinking of you. He took his own quick shower, putting on sweats and a T-shirt before he came to check on you. He just wanted to make sure you were alright.

You had gotten out of the shower yourself, slowly drying yourself off before going back to your dresser to find something comfortable to wear. It was brutally hot and you were exhausted, pulling on a tank top and shorts. You were about to go back to lie down when you heard a soft knock on the door.

You sighed in frustration, closing your eyes for a moment. “Yeh, just a minute,” you said, exhausted, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a loose sweatshirt to pull over yourself. You walked over to the door and opened it slightly, giving the man in front of you a tired smile.

“Hey Bucky.”

Bucky’s face softened, a small smile spreading on his face. “Hey doll. I - I know you said you wanted some time to yourself but I just wanted to check on you.”

You smirked at him slightly. “I’m just about the same as when we walked off the quinjet Bucky.” You shrugged, tugging your sleeves down - nervous habit. “I’ll be fine, I’m just really tired.”

Bucky looked you up and down quickly. “You sure?”

You hesitated a moment longer than you should’ve, quickly bringing yourself out of it. “Yeah.”

“You don’t sound sure,” he said gently. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

“Look I’m fine, I just want to go to sleep. I’m exhausted.”

“Please? Let me take care of you, it’s been a long day,” he said.

“You don’t have to Bucky,” you started, shaking your head lightly.

“I want to,” he assured you.

Sighing, you opened the door more to let him in. it wasn’t that you didn’t want him to stay, you did in a way. You always slept better with him there. You just really wanted to take off the sweats. But that would mean having a conversation that you weren’t ready for.

Sweat was better than tears.

You climbed into bed and Bucky laid down beside you, wrapping his arm around you. He kissed the temple of your head as you relaxed back against his chest. “Try to get some rest sweetheart.”

You hummed, already feeling exhaustion overtake you as you closed your eyes, drifting off to sleep faster than you ever had.

-----------

You woke the next morning feeling much better than the night before. You shifted slightly, feeling Bucky’s arms still around you.

“Good morning sleeping beauty.”

“What? What time is it?” you asked sleepily.

Bucky chuckled behind you. “It is almost noon.”

Your eyes widened as you started to sit up. “What? I slept that long? How long have you been awake, I’m sorry -”

“Hey, sweetheart, don’t worry about it. I've been awake for a while but it’s no problem. You needed the rest and I’m glad you got it.”

You hummed again in acknowledgement, reaching your hands up to rub your eyes. What you hadn’t realized was that while you were asleep, your sleeves had ridden up slightly. You never had to worry about your wrists because you had never gone down that low on your arms.

“Angel, what’s that?” Bucky asked, grabbing your arm gently to get a better look. You took your arm away quickly, tugging your sleeve down. You shook your head and crossed your arms as you stood up. “It’s nothing, really. I’m gonna go shower.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” Bucky said, standing and walking over to you. You tensed, and he noticed. “Did someone hurt you?”

“Please drop it Bucky,” you pleaded, still unable to meet his eyes.

“Y/n I swear if someone hurt you -”

“I did it.” you blurted out, surprising you both. You took a shaky breath, and Bucky felt his heart drop, praying he had heard you wrong.

“What?” he asked, barely audible. The only noise was your heart hammering in your ears. You swallowed, looking down at the ground and fiddling with your sleeves again.

“I hurt myself sometimes,” you said with a small shrug. “It helps.”

“With what?” he asked, carefully.

You met his eyes, tears pricking your own. “Everything.”

Silence. Bucky walked towards you slowly, pulling you into a hug, as you closed your eyes, silent tears falling. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how to.” you said simply. “I was embarrassed and ashamed, and I didn’t want you to blame yourself.”

He held you tightly, rubbing a hand up and down your back as more tears fell despite you trying to hold them back. “Can I see?”

You pulled back and tensed up, looking at him. “What?”

“Show me your scars,” he said.

You shook your head slightly, confused. “Why?”

“Because I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn’t there,” he whispered.

You looked at him for a moment. “Bucky, I can’t do that, I -”

“Please y/n,” he whispered. “It’s just me.”

You studied him for a moment before nodding. With shaky hands, you pulled the sweatshirt over your head, dropping it on the floor and resisting the urge to cross your arms. You stepped out of your sweatpants next, keeping your eyes downcast. You heard a sharp intake of breath from Bucky, but you weren’t able to look at him yet.

Bucky felt his heart shatter at the scars littered across your arms. There were so many marks, he didn’t want to even think about how many there were. He felt tears prick his eyes but he knew he had to be strong right now. It pained him how much you were hurting and how oblivious he was. He took your hands in his, you still unable to look at him.

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to be there for you.”

You shook your head, looking at him. “Don’t do that to yourself, please, it’s not your fault Bucky. You’re the reason it’s not worse.” You turned around and crossed your arms. “ I’m sorry, Bucky, I didn’t know how to tell you. They’re ugly, they’re disgusting. I’m disgusting. Who’s so fucked up that they have to slice open their skin to make themselves feel better? I hate myself more than anyone I’ve ever known. How pathetic is that?”

“Y/n, can you look at me?”

Trying to blink back tears, you met his gaze again, his eyes glassy. “Your fight is our fight. None of this is your fault, don’t apologize for how you had to fight on your own. I’m here now, okay?” His hand ghosted over your scars. “These scars right here are your battle scars. They tell your story of how strong you are. Never be afraid or ashamed of that, okay?”

You looked down, still embarrassed.

“Hey, y/n. It’s okay.”

Before you could respond, Bucky took off his own shirt, something he had never done in front of you. Your eyes found the scars where metal met skin, most of them faded but had obviously been deep. You reached your hand out to trace over his scars.

“When they gave me this arm and they were starting to tortue me I would scratch at it. Whenever I had been out of cryo for long enough I would start to remember and claw at it too, before they wiped me again. I thought I was a monster.”

You shook your head. “No, Bucky that wasn’t your fault, you didn’t ask for Hydra to do all those things to you.”

“You didn’t ask for your mental struggles either. So why are you ashamed?”

“You didn’t ask for the metal arm, you wanted to get rid of it. It wasn’t in your control. This, what I do, I choose to do it every time. It doesn’t feel like a choice but I still pick up the knife.”

“But I bet if you could you would choose to put it down, yeah?” he brushed a piece of hair out of your eyes. “It’s okay y/n. Don’t be ashamed of how you helped yourself survive.”

You nodded, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and pulled you into another hug. “Don’t apologize for letting me be a part of your story.”

391 notes · View notes

suaudisruption · 3 years

Text

UPDATE: [Explanation + Revamp ]

(i do express some feelings in here that might be a bit of a downer, so if you dont want to read through that, i recommend skipping to the last three paragraphs <3 )

yeesh- hey yall i know its been- definitely a good while since ive posted anything on here, besides things that went down a couple months ago. and first, i want to apologize for not fufilling my goals to get this story out. its been- a very rough year to say the least, a lot of bad things and changes, some good- but its taken its toll on me pretty bad.

i havent forgotten about this story, though. i think about it all the time, i think about disrupt and artifact all the time, and i want to share their story with yall so so bad, but- im stuck in a place where i feel like its?? too late lol??? and i know its not but- i guess it got increasingly difficult over time to actually post things because i wanted to make sure everything was planned out perfectly, that i had a good story to tell and i wouldnt let people down- but the more i kept nitpicking, the more worried i got to even post anything in the first place. and thats something i still really need to work on, tbh.

motivation was another issue in itself- its very hard for me to stay on one thing for too long, especially if it requires a lot of attention- and my struggle this year with mental health made that even worse lol. so while i so desperately wanted to make content- i felt trapped and unable to actually do so.

but i say this all with a reason- and thats because i think im going to revamp this page and give it. give this story one more shot. its not even fully about letting yall down, its also- i dont want to keep this story inside me and never get the chance to tell it, you know..? and i- know the process will take awhile and my organization might be messy, etc- but atleast im telling it in some way- besides lol, i kind of need to tell this story to help heal myself too. i cant leave this abandoned, because its such a big part of me and i- yeah.

ill form a more coherent post when i finish revamping this page a bit, but- to those who are willing and wanting to stick around for how ever long it takes for me to complete my unorganized messy storytelling lol- i truly appreciate you all. it means a lot.

and with all that, off i go to edit some things! please make sure to hydrate and eat something if you can, today <3 your health is always important, mentally and physically <3 <3

#sorry if this is a bit of a downer folks #but i felt the need to give you all an explanation about my abscense #you may also notice the page looking blank- and thats cuz i wiped most of it lol #i kinda just. wanna start fresh.#idk #but- yeah. hopefully i can atleast tell something this time #thanks for sticking around <3 #tw: vent #??? i think #tw: mental health #??? just in case

29 notes · View notes

writersblog20 · 3 years

Text

Goodbyes are not forever

Sebastian Stan

Summary: The reader is an actress on marvel. She and Sebastian are very close. She had to shoot a very emotional scene but before that she got a call that her godfather passed away. After the scene they leave with her to go too her family. He takes care of her.

Warnings: death of a loved one, angst, nightmares and fluff.

Words: 2,5K or something

A/N: 3 week ago my godfather passed away on a early age and it destroyed me. I don’t know if someone cares but I need some Seb fluff right now. I mostly wrote this for myself to get some comfort. Because to be honest I really don’t feel like doing anything right now and I’m having a lot of trouble with my mental health.

Goodbyes are not forever

You were shooting a couple of scenes in London for marvel. You were joking on set with Tom, Sebastian, Anthony and Chris E. You were laughing until you got a call from one of your family members you haven’t spoken to in a long time. You frowned and Sebastian noticed. “Are you okay darling?” he asked you. “I don’t know” you answered him anxious. The other guys looked at you as well. You picked up the phone. “hey uncle (name), how are you?” you asked him. “hey have you heard yet? He asked you stressed. Your face fell. This men was always calm. Like almost in every situation so it scared you that he sounded stressed. All your thoughts were racing around.

“What do you mean?” you asked him a little panicky. “oh so you haven’t” he said awkwardly. “well call your mom alright?” he told you. “please just tell me! Is it my godfather?” He stayed quiet. “It is isn’t it?” “please just tell me cause I’m starting to get worried!” you panicked. “just call your mom okay? I’m late for work. There isn’t anything you can do” He hang you up. You started to get teary eyes. You dialed your moms number but she wasn’t picking up.

The boys looked at you with worry in their eyes. The director called everyone on set for the scene. You weren’t up until an hour. They looked hesitant to leave you. You took a quick breath to keep yourself calm. “it’s okay” you told them. They gave you a sad smile and a hug. Sebastian stayed with you a little longer. “doll….” He said softly not knowing what was going on or what to do. “it’s okay Sebba” you told him with a sad smile. “I don’t know what’s going on yet so there isn’t much what I can do right now.” you told him. You desperately wanted to go to your family but you couldn’t. they were on the other side of the ocean and you were her in London shooting a scene. He gave you a quick kiss on your head and a bear hug.

You were left alone with your thought which started to race only faster by the minute. You tried calling your mom a couple of more times. But she didn’t pick up the phone. It looked like she was in another call with someone. After half an hour pacing around she called you. You immediately picked up. “what’s going on???” you asked her stressed. “ehm your godfather passed away last night” she told you hesitantly. It felt like your whole world was crumbling down. You had to hold back a loud sob while tears streamed down your face. You tried to compose yourself. “I’ll come home today. I don’t know what time but…” you got called off by the director. “I have to shoot one scene and then I’ll come home.” She told you that she loved you and you hang up.

You felt a hole in your chest and nausea consuming you. You walked but it felt like you were out of your body. The boys looked at you and knew something was wrong. “can we take a break?” Sebastian asked the directors while he never took his eyes of you. “No it’s okay, let’s get this scene done.” The directors called action and you delivered your lines. It was a very emotional scene. One of the most emotional scenes in the movies. It really came close to home since you found out that the planet where you came from was destroyed by Thanos and the people on it died. Tony had to tell you that when you were in the compound with your other teammates.

You felt to your knees and let out a bone crushing scream that left everyone silent. They all looked at you in horror and pain. You silently sobbed while tears streamed down your face and you hugged your legs. They all looked at your now small form on the ground. They always saw you as a strong woman because you were. But that wasn’t you right now. they saw you break into a million pieces. “and cut” the director said. Everyone stayed silent and you just left. You talked to the directors and told them you had to leave. They completely understood.

You went too your trailer and got your stuff together. You heard a knock on the door. You wiped your tears but you already had red eyes. you turn around to see Sebastian. He looked at you with sad eyes. “doll…”he said and you broke down completely. You held him so close fearing he would disappear if you let go of him. He had to help you stand up because you almost fell but you didn’t notice. Sebastian sat you down on the couch and hugged your knees while he crouched down. You told him what happened and he hugged you close. You told him you were going home. “I’m going with you.” He told you. You would actually love that but you didn’t want him to go down with you. “you don’t have to.” You told him soft. “I want to” he said while he looked deeply into your eyes. “I want to be there for you and I’m not letting you alone” he told you. You just nodded and said a soft thank you.

The cast came to you and gave you a big hug and told you to text them if you needed anything and that I didn’t need to worry about filming now. to take my time etc. You two left for the airport and you texted your mom about what time you would land and that Sebastian would come with you. You walked towards the flight and paparazzi was everywhere. You had a cap on and put your head low so that they couldn’t see your face. Sebastian held your hand which raised some questions. You had loved the men since the first time you met. You always had a big crush on Sebastian before you met and were a big fan of him and Bucky. So it was a dream come true when they casted you to be in the Marvel movies. Sebastian really was such a sweetheart. Always making sure that you would feel comfortable and all the other stuff. You guys grew very close friends over the past months. When you would be on your break you would nap together, watch movies and cuddle. Which made you fall more in love.

You got on the flight and Sebastian sat you besides the window. You looked out and you started to feel the tears again. Sebastian took your hand and held it while his thumb drew circles over the back of it while he looked at it. You looked at him and he wiped away your tears with his thumb while looking at you lovingly. You put your head to rest on his shoulder. You were exhausted but to many emotions ran in your body to actually get you some rest.

-emotional time skip-

It was a very rough week to say the least but Sebastian made it a little barrable. You were there for a week and it was a rollercoaster. Sebastian was mesmerized at the strength you’ve shown. He saw you with your family and how it all went down and the close connection you had to them. He felt very special that they let you in, that you trusted him enough to be with you on this.

you were back in London and Sebastian hired a small apartment. He insisted that you’d stay with him and you didn’t argue with him. you didn’t want to be alone right now. You actually wanted to stay with him. he led you into the apartment. It was very big with an amazing view. You could see the Tower Bridge from here. The apartment was very high up with a lot of windows. He sat your stuff down. ‘What do you think?’ he asked you. ‘I love it’ you told him. It also had a big couch with a huge tv and a cozy fireplace beneath it. The sun was already setting. “I’ll take the couch” Sebastian said. You already felt like a burden even though Sebastian assured you that you weren’t. You felt a heaviness over you as you looked around.

Sebastian saw you looking around and knew that you felt out of place. “sweetheart, are you okay?” he asked you worried. You looked at him and truthfully said “I don’t know Seb.” He looked at you with a sad smile. He walked over to you and pulled you in a big embrace. You held onto him tightly and started to cry which made him pull you even closer. He scooped you up in his arms and walked over to the couch. he sat down and pulled you on his lap where he hugged you. His shirt was now soaked. He sat there with you how long was necessary. He knew you were bottling everything up when you were with the family. There were a couple of moments where you couldn’t anymore and your uncles had your back but he saw how strong you stayed for them.

He saw everything and how you pushed your emotions away so you could take care of some other people. His respect for you just grew and adoration too although he knew it wasn’t healthy for you and it would come back ten times worse. But he knew that he would be there for you and would hold you through it.

You held onto his shirt for dear life as your knuckles turned white from holding him so tight. His hand went through your hair as Sebastian tried to give you as much comfort he could give you. His lips rested on your head as he said “let it out sweetheart, you’re safe here. I’ll protect you.” He felt his heart break at the sight of you. Once you calmed down a bit, he picked you up again and walked into the kitchen to get you a glass of water. He sat you down on the counter and stood between your legs. He wiped away your tears with his thumb.

“Why don’t you take a shower and then I’ll go to the store and pick some stuff up and after that we can watch some movies. How does that sound?” he asked you. You nodded and gave him a big hug. “Thank you Seba.” You said grateful. He smiled and kissed your check while getting you off the kitchen counter, not really trusting your strength right now so he held you a little longer until he was sure that you could stand.

“I’ll get you some comfortable clothes and put it in the bathroom alright?” he told you. You thanked him once more and he walked up to you. “Stop thanking me. You don’t have to.” He said while you replied with “but I want to.” He gave you a little smile and kissed your nose. “Go shower doll.” He said.

You got under the shower and it did you good. You still felt like shit but at least a little cleaner. You took the clothes Seb gave you and put it on you. It was one of his sweatpants, a shirt and a hoodie. It all was two sizes too big but you loved it. You smelled the hoodie and it smelled like him which gave you butterflies. You walked out and saw Sebastian putting down the bags. “Hey, so I got us take-out and I got some wine and beer for us and snacks.” He told you with a smile. You started to feel your eyes get teary again. He quickly walked up to you. “Hey, it’s okay” he said softly while he hugged you. “I got you your favorite pizza…” he said with a soft grin which made you chuckle through your tears.

You looked around and saw that he made a blanket fort with lights in them. You giggled and he looked at you with a big grin. “You like it?” he asked you hopefully. “I love it!” you felt emotional about all the sweet things he’d done for you. “Alright climb in and I’ll pass the food and drinks.” He told you and you giggled. You climbed in and saw that the blankets were tucked behind the big tv so you had a lot of space but still felt safe.

Ones he had passed the food and the drinks he got in with you. You immediately curled up against Seb and he put his arm around you to get you closer. He passed the TV remote to you. You picked your favorite movie and Sebastian didn’t whine about your choice. When you both finished the pizza you laid your head on his chest. You felt your eyes getting heavier but you couldn’t fight it. You were exhausted so you fell asleep in his arms.

-time skip-

You woke up heavy breathing and with a lot of tears. The pain that you felt in that moment was unbearable. You looked around and saw that you were alone in a bedroom. You recalled your memories since that was a little off lately. You were at Sebastian’s apartment. You wanted to lay back again but the emotional pain was too much to handle. You tiptoed your way to the living room while still crying. You saw Seb fast asleep on the couch. You really didn’t want to wake him. you walked to the kitchen to get some water but your sniffles were undeniable and you felt yourself crumbling down. You dind’t hear Sebastian wake up and walking towards you in the kitchen.

“Sweetheart… it’s okay let it out” he told you and turned you around and got you in a big embrace “I’ve got you” he told you softly and you let it all out. All the pain and other emotions you were feeling at that time. He knew now that you were crumbling down. he sat you both down on the kitchen floor since moving you right now wasn’t really an option. Sebastian just held you and said soft things to you while going with his hand through your hair.

Once you calmed down you asked “Seb, can you please stay with me?” he smiled softly at you “always.” He picked you up and carried you to bed. He laid you down in bed like he probably did a couple of hours ago. He tucked you in a little and crawled next to you. You immediately threw your hands around his torso. He laid his arm behind you and scooped you closer. Once you both got comfortable you stared at each other.

He stared at your big Y/E/C eyes. You don’t know how long you both looked at each other but you found comfort and safety in his soft blue eyes. he slowly put his hand on your cheek and licked his lips. He got closer and closer but gave you time to move away. But you didn’t . you closed your eyes and let his soft lips touch yours. The kiss was soft and full of love. It wasn’t hasty or anything. He pulled away and looked intensely at you. “doll… I really love you. Loved you since the day I met you. You have my heart in your hands. I understand if you don’t feel the same but I will always be there for you no matter what” he said. You got tears in your eyes. “I love you too Seba. So much that it actually hurts. I don’t want to lose you too.” You said while getting emotional. He pulled you in closer and kissed you passionately. “I will be here till the end. We’ll get through this together and everything else life throws at us. As long as we’re together. I love you and I won’t let you go” he said and wiped the tears away again. “And I will do this as long is necessary” he told you with a soft smile.

He kissed you again and you both laid there. It was painful and hard and you had a very long way to go. But you knew Sebastian would be there with you, with every step. It calmed you down because you didn’t feel alone anymore and you felt a different sort of love.

#sebastianstan #Sebastian stan #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan oneshot #marvel #marvel fanfic #the avengers #bucky barns

177 notes · View notes

destinyc1020 · 3 years

Note

How do you think the argument after the NYC pics started? Mayte Tom texted her while being angry lol

Idk Anon lol 😆

But I'm assuming it prob started off as text messages, if it even escalated to a phone call. 👀

Either way....Whether thru text or phone call, all I envision is a lot of shouting 🙈 Idk why lol....

I def don't think it was a "calm" conversation at all. 👀 I think Z is naturally zen, and I don't get the impression that she usually likes a lot of confrontation, but I think even she prob raised her voice or wrote in all caps lol on that occasion.... because I think Tom was HOT that day 😤, and I don't think he held back.

Smthg DEF went down, coz he started unfollowing ppl on her end, and she never paid him any attention on social media for months after that... even though he re-followed Darnell days later. 👀

So yeaaa..... smthg went down for sure. Cuz you don't act that way just because your ex unfollows your friends... esp not if you've already "moved on" and are dating someone new anyway. 😏 Why would you be upset? Unless..... 👀

And the way Z just seemed to slip into some type of depression during the beginning of the pandemic was also kind of weird to me. She was like off the grid for like over a month, and then her mom was posting all these stories about moms for mental health of their children and stuff..... 😔 I just feel like she was going thru a lot during that time from like Feb - July 2020 (ie. the NYC pap pics coming out and outing the rlshp with JE, the fallout with Tom, the covid-19 pandemic, being shut in during lockdown, not being able to use Euphoria as her therapy to distract her from her problems, JE leaving to go back to Australia, going through a quarter-life crisis and not knowing who she is without WORK, Tom dating Nadia - you know she had to know, the Jacdaya breakup, the death of George Floyd, the BLM marches, Trump and his craziness 🤪, etc). There was just SO MUCH going on!!! 😩😭 Ugh last year was depressing!

When she told Sam on the set of M&M that she "hasn't been doing too well....", I believe it! I could sense it too! So much stuff happened to her starting from 2019 onward. I think M&M really helped her to kind of let things out and slowly get out of her "funk". She seemed waaay happier after she won her Emmy imo. 😁 She seemed more back to normal from what I could see.

But Feb - July 2020 seemed particularly rough for her. I also remember her looking a bit "buzzed" right around that time back in Feb when she had gone from NYC with JE to then Australia again..... She just looked so weird around that time....and then there was that weird interview where she was looking out of it.

Maybe it's just my eyes lol but....

Chiiiiiiilllllle..... She was going through it! Who knows what he was giving her when they were together.... 🥴 👀

Anyway, whew! Thank goodness those days are OVER. Z looks much happier and more lucid these days lol. 😊

Like literally GLOWING! 😍

So happy for my girl. ❤👌🏾

44 notes · View notes

thestyleswritings · 3 years

Text

Fix You

"We talked about something you said to me a while ago." She says, tone short. He couldn't tell if she was angry or if she was being shy about something.

"Well? I'd love to hear what I said that you're still thinking about months later and talkin’ to your therapist about, baby." The hand that lay stationery on her thigh squeezed a bit, encouraging her to talk to him.

"You said something about making a baby with me. Haven't been able to stop thinking about it." She muttered, biting her lower lip. His whole body went rigid beneath her at that.

Or - The one where you have depression and Harry leads you in the right direction, and then some

(6.1K)

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Mention of Mental Health Issues, VERY brief mentions of suicide, Language, Possible Breeding Kink(??), Smut (at the end)

Masterlist

I wrote this in one night,,, shout out to mania.This isn’t even what I was working on. I don’t know if this is something that many people will want to read but it definitely brought a smile to my face to write. Do I need therapy? Probably. Will I ignore that and continue to escape my own mind through fiction? Absolutely. Reblog/Like if you enjoy!

Harry knew she'd been struggling for a long time. It wasn't like her depressive periods lasted very long when they happened, maybe around a week or so, but when they hit, they hit her hard. He'd asked her when they first started dating, years ago, why she never invited him over and why she always went to his place, and at first she didn't want to tell him. It was embarrassing to her that she sometimes got into these periods where she didn't even want to lift her head from the pillow, let alone tidy up her flat.

Harry eventually went over to her place once she felt comfortable enough to let him. She knew he wasn't going to judge her, and she knew all he wanted was to help her feel better. He stayed at her flat for hours the first time he came over, helping to fold the laundry she had done days before, dusting the bookshelf, clearing out the refrigerator. He'd joked they were a perfect match since he loved to clean up while listening to music they both loved; it relaxed his mind. His love language was acts of service anyway, which he constantly had to remind her of. He didn't mind doing anything and everything in his power in order to alleviate his lover's stress. She had sworn to Harry she'd try her best to keep the place in tiptop shape, but he didn't actually expect her to.

He'd lost more than one friend to severe depression and he knew it was nothing to take lightly. Unfortunately, he also knew the signs to look for in suicidal people all too well. He could tell she had become moodier and spent a good bit of her day in bed either sleeping or just staring off into the void. She texted him that she was at home more and more, opting out of seeing her close friends for drinks or dinner. He hadn't seen her, either. It was all beginning to worry him deeply. He knew she'd have bad days, he'd signed up for that, but this was bigger than just a rough day. It had been going on for nearly two weeks and he knew he couldn't wait to address it any longer. He wanted to approach her tenderly. He was fearful that if he misspoke, she would shut down.

That's how he ended up at her door one evening, unannounced. He brought along two sunflowers, one significantly taller than the other. He'd seen them at the florist's downstairs and they made him smile to himself. They were her favourite flower, and the posture of them reminded him of both of them. He hoped they would make her smile, too.

He didn't bother ringing the bell, fishing out the spare key she had made up for him from his jeans pocket. When he stepped through the threshold, his heart sunk. There were empty cups on the coffee table, and he knew that meant she wasn't eating. If she were, there would've at least been a bowl or two. In that regard, her untidiness was helpful. He could assess the situation before even having to talk about it.

He sighed deeply as he gently places the sunflowers down on the kitchen island, walking over to clear the short table in front of the loveseat. He could practically feel the pain she was in and he hated. He hated the fact that she had to be stuck with the short end of the stick. He walks the cups over to the sink, running the water over them for a moment before grabbing the sponge on the ledge of the sink to scrub them clean.

As he washed the cups, he thought of what he could say to her that would actually prove to be helpful. It wasn't easy to always have the right words when the person hearing them didn't care if they lived or died. He knew if he told her outright how upset he was seeing her this way, it would only serve to make her feel worse that she couldn't help it. He didn't want to force or therapy on her, but he really wasn't left with many options. He wouldn't lose someone else to this. He couldn't live with himself, nor without her.

He shuts off the tap and dries his hands on the cute yellow kitchen towel that was always draped on the cabinet next to the sink. With the flowers in hand, he cracks open her bedroom door. There are a few small piles of clothing around, t-shirts and sweatpants carelessly discarded based on the look of how everything was inside out.

The sight of her breaks his heart. She was curled up tight beneath her fuzzy blanket that he knew she only pulled out when she was missing him and his snuggles, facing the wall while her arm hung limply over the stuffed dragon he'd gotten her ages ago. He could tell she hadn't gotten up all day, that much was evident. All the lights in the apartment had been off when he'd arrived and there was a stillness to the air. She hadn't even answered his messages sent hours earlier. He thought the worst for a moment, frozen in place with wide eyes trained on her unmoving body before hearing a soft snore coming from her, easing his breathing exponentially.

He sits on the edge of her bed, placing the flowers with a shaky hand in a cup of water that had been sitting on her bedside table. He brings his hand up to the dip of her waist, gently rubbing up and down the length of her torso to soothe her awake.

"Wake up, bug. S'me. Brought ya a little present." He coos at her once he heard her intake a large breath, reaching up to tuck her thick hair behind her ear. He could tell she hadn't washed it in a few days and made a mental note to encourage her to shower with him. She stirred under his touch, like she could tell it was him even when she was deep in slumber.

"Harry?" She calls out quietly into the dark, feeling the warmth of his palm against her cheek. Had she been more awake and alert, she might've even been sheepish at her disheveled appearance. She already knew he saw all the empty cups on her table that had once been full of tea and coffee. She felt ashamed.

"Yeah baby, it's me. Can you turn around and let me see that pretty face?" He croons, removing the hand that had been stroking her hair.

She sighs deeply before turning over in her full sized bed, eyes focusing on the plush faux-down blanket beneath her. His hand slowly approaches her face again, this time grabbing hold of her chin softly to have her look at him. He smiles sadly at her. She knew that look. It's the same way her mother would look at her when she came into her room as a teenager. Pity, almost. It made her feel weak.

"Hello, my angel. Have you been in bed all day, lovie?" He dotes on her, running his thumb across her cheekbone. He knew the answer, he just wanted her to acknowledge it.

"Mhm. What time is it?" Her voice is hoarse, as if she'd been crying the night before. The sound of it deflated Harry's heart in his chest.

"S' a quarter til six, lovie. What time did you fall asleep?" He asks, leaving his hand on her face to cradle her soft cheek.

"Dunno. Seven, eight? This morning sometime." She replies, sighing at her own erroneous sleeping schedule. Harry presses his lips together silently, taking in her words.

"Alright. Well, I'm here now, so up you get." He requests softly. Softly enough where she doesn't find it demanding. He stands from her bed, holding a hand out to her.

"Did I hear you say you brought me something?" She asks as she sits up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. He chuckles at her, knowing that a huge part of her mental illness caused her to crave buying material possessions, only for them to mean nothing to her the very next day. It was something she was truly trying to work on.

"Yes baby, I did. S' on the bedside table." He informs her, waiting for her to turn and see them before he walks closer to her. She caresses the vibrant petals of the yellow flower, biting her lower lip between her teeth.

"I... I love them, Harry. Thank you." He can hear the tightness in her throat and he worries that he should've just not gotten them at all for a moment before he sees the genuine smile across her lips.

"I saw them and thought of you. Well, us, really. Don't they look like us?" He beams at her, and she sort of thinks she can see what he means. He looks like a sunflower when he smiles. He brings light and beauty into her life. Maybe that's why she found herself wanting to cry. Because she felt like she wasn't worthy of the human sunflower standing in her room.

"Yeah. They do look like us." She offers a smile, smaller this time now that she's thought about it. She wraps her arms around his middle, allowing the overwhelming feeling of warmth and comfort to consume her for a moment before pulling away.

"I should probably go clean off the coffee table, huh?" She says humorlessly, walking the way of the door before his voice stops her.

"I did it for you, baby. Why don't you come with me to have a nice warm shower? I want to talk to you about some things while we're in there anyway." Panic strikes her still; what did he want to talk about? Was he finally fed up? Did he find someone else, someone who could take care of themselves properly? Was that why he was being especially sweet on her? She felt like she could throw up. She didn't know how to do this without him anymore, and that alone scared her. It wasn't to say she didn't adore him for all that he does for her, she just wished he didn't feel like he had to. She wished she could get her mind well enough to care to do even the simplest tasks.

She nods her head and thanks him quietly for straightening up before walking into her bathroom and stripping down to nothing. She reaches into the shower to turn on the water and waits for it to get warm, as well as Harry. She didn't like the sound of wanting to talk, even if he hadn't necessarily said it in a menacing way. When he joins her, he follows her lead by taking everything he wore off. He didn't want to look at her body for too long and become distracted like he often did when he saw her, especially when he really saw her. She had soft features and her body was always so pliant in his hands. Though, he couldn't allow his mind to wander right now.

He gets in first, testing the water and making sure it was around the temperature they both liked before reaching for her hand and pulling her in gently. She expected him to keep some distance, so when he wrapped his arms around her from behind as they stood under the steady stream of water, she was a bit taken back. Was he being overly affectionate as a way to say goodbye? He places a few kisses to her shoulder before peeling himself away and grabbing her peach shampoo off the built-in shelf. She leans her head back to make sure her hair is all wet before allowing him to lather her hair with the sweet smelling soap for her. She always loved how he massaged her scalp with it.

"So, I know you might think I wanted to talk about something bad, but I promise it's nothing bad. I just want you to know that before you start making scenarios up in your mind." He speaks softly, matching the pressure of his fingertips in her hair. He sees her shoulders sag and he feels awful. She'd already started thinking of potential issues he may have wanted to talk about. He carries on by rinsing the shampoo out and repeating, creating a much foamier lather the second time around. He rinses it out for her by guiding her beneath the waterfall, following up with the peach conditioner.

"What do you want to talk about?" She whispers, enjoying the feeling of Harry's hands moving lower with her wash rag, scrubbing her limbs delicately as to not harm her skin.

"Well... you. You know how much I love you, yeah? Can't fuckin' live without you, you know? Hurts me when we're apart for too long, or when we have to sleep alone. I, um... I just want you to be happy," he sighs. He prattled on a bit; his thoughts were jumbled and he didn't know how else to tell her this.

"I want to be able to know you're okay when I'm not with you, even if I want to be with you always. I know you're going through a rough spot right now, and I want you to have help. More help than just me," he's as gentle as he can be, and she appreciates it. It doesn't mean she wants to cry any less, of course, but she knows he has the purest intentions.

He wants her to thrive, not just survive. He knew he could only do so much for her before she had to start doing things for herself. He loved to baby her and take care of her, but not when he had to. He wanted to help her shower sometimes and feed her because he wanted to, not because she wouldn't do it herself if he didn't.

"Are you saying you want me to find a therapist?" She asks softly. She's not opposed to the idea, she just never found the strength to actually care enough about her own mental well-being to make an appointment.

"Are you okay with that? Would you be open to it if I helped you find someone to talk to? And maybe try medication? I know it's a lot at first, but it helps so many people. Just can't keep seeing you so sad. Hurts my soul, since we share the same one." He turns her around now to look at her property while they spoke. He could see the furrow in her brow, like someone was pinching them together with their fingers.

He saw the tears welling up in her eyes and his heart nearly explodes at the pout forming on her face. This isn't what he wanted to happen. He didn't want to make her cry. Her chin trembles as she tries her hardest to look anywhere but at his face.

"Oh, baby," he coos, wrapping her up in his arms once more, "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm so sorry, m'love," he kisses the top of her head, peppering them all around wherever he could reach. "M' just worried, baby. When I came in earlier it looked like you- I just, I can't imagine what I would do if-" he's slightly panicked now, she can feel his heart picking up it's pace. She didn't know that was something he worried about with her and it made her whole body ache.

"You didn't. It wasn't that. I would really appreciate if you could help me find someone to help me further. I'm crying because I'm hurting you when I don't deserve you in the first place," she sniffles, pressing her face further into the slippery skin of his neck. "You deserve someone who's whole, someone who you don’t have to worry about."

"Hey," he pulls back from her, holding both her shoulders so he can look her in the eyes, "I love you. So much that I'd die without you at this point. Just told you that. Please don't put thoughts and words into my mouth. I mean everything I say to you, don't let your brain fool you into thinking it's not true. When I tell you I love you, please know I mean that with everything I have and everything I am. I'm not whole without you. I worry because I love you so much that it would kill me to lose you," His voice is soft yet firm all at once, conviction filling his tone.

"Promise?" She asks weakly, knowing what he's telling her is the truth. Her brain tended to sabotage her.

"I promise." He kisses her lips, backing her underneath the water once more to rinse her off before reaching behind her to shut off the water. He steps out before her, grabbing her towel and wrapping it around her short body.

"I'm going to make something for us to eat, angel. Come sit with me at the counter so I don't get lonely?" He asks once they're both dressed. He wore her sweatpants and t-shirt while she wore his Christmas themed pyjama pants with his Spice World hoodie.

"You want me to?" She can't help but wonder why he wants her to be around him so much. She knew he loved her and they'd been dating for almost four years, but she found herself to be a buzzkill. She just exuded sadness, she thought. Harry scoffs at her playfully, rolling his eyes. He knew she couldn't help but doubt herself, but he still found it absurd. Of course he'd want to be around her all of the time. She was so accepting and loving, even if she didn't think so. She was good.

"Obviously, angel. Always want you within two feet of me. As a matter of fact, I wish you were pocket-sized so I could bring you everywhere with me until you got sick of seeing my big dumb head." He smirks at her, making her genuinely laugh. She hadn't done that in a while.

"You're such a dramatic nutter." She laughs, pushing him away from her so she could walk into the kitchen to find a stool to occupy.

"Me!? Were you not the one that cried because you couldn't stop thinking about The Hunger Games?" He comes in behind her, smacking her ass playfully in retaliation of her push before quickly walking at least an arms distance away from her.

"That's literally not fair? Finnick deserved so much better than that. You cried when we watched it together too, fucker!" She explains even more dramatically than he had been in the first place, as if he hadn't been there too. He chuckles as he opens her refrigerator, kissing his teeth when he finds nothing defrosted to cook. All she really had was oat milk, a bottle of homemade cold brew and a few cups of yoghurt.

"Fair enough. I'm going to take this chicken down so we can make it tomorrow, but since there's nothing else, do you wanna do Japanese?" Kicking the door closed as he walks closer to her with two water bottles in hand.

"You know I can never say no to Japanese. I'll order it," she offers, but he's already shaking his head with his phone in hand.

"It's on me. We're eating food you bought tomorrow, s'only fair. I wanna know what else you could never say no to? Like maybe... moving in with me?" He says without looking up as he places the order, already having her favourite meal saved on his phone, along with his own.

At first, she doesn't react. She doesn't move a single muscle, not even her eyes. He doesn't take her stunned silence personally, waiting for her to process what he'd just offered. He can practically see the cogs turning when he looked at her.

"You want me... to live with you... in your big beautiful mansion of a house..." She says slowly, turning her gaze to his own. He exhales a laugh at the flabbergasted expression on her face.

"Yes, baby. Told you I'd bring you everywhere with me, and we've been together almost 4 years, known each other 6. I don't know about you but I'm ready to wake up to your face every day." He smirks once more, reaching out to tucker her hair behind her ear like he always did. He just wanted to see more of her pretty face.

"You- I... Harry. You know what? Yeah. I will." She had began to refuse before catching herself. This was a normal next step in a long term relationship. She wouldn't sabotage this. She was a better version of herself when she was with him, and they made each other happy.

"Yeah? You will? I'm so happy baby, thank you. I'm tired of waking up alone and missing you every day. It's dumb." He tackles her in a hug, attacking her with a million kisses. He doesn't bother holding back the few happy tears he sheds, he doesn't care and he knows she doesn't either.

—

He had proposed to her the day she moved in, after she unpacked her last bedroom item and found a place for it. It was the silly green dragon, who now lived between two puffy pillows on their shared bed. He'd had the ring burning a hole in his dresser for over a year and he couldn't stand it anymore once he saw how at home she'd made herself. That, and he wanted to make love to her while she wore the sparkling diamond.

Something about the visual prompted him to drop to his knee behind her instantly.

It had been a year since she moved into Harry's “big beautiful mansion of a house”, and they were happier than ever. She was seeing a therapist that she enjoyed, someone whom she felt comfortable with. She had also begun taking medication. The first few prescriptions weren't right, but Harry encouraged her to keep trying different things and held her hand along the way. She finally found the one that matched her chemistry, and it worked a treat. She could focus on things better, and she had the energy to do so many things that she would even go on the occasional run with Harry. It was amazing for him to see her in such high spirits. It was like the her that only he could see was finally free, brightening up the world around her. More importantly, she could finally see herself that way, too.

A few months after she said yes, he had said something to her that she couldn't shake.

"Wanna make babies with you."

He'd said it to her in passing, staring at her with hearts in his eyes as she sat on the grass in the garden. The sun was hitting her skin so beautifully and she just looked so radiant. He couldn't help it. It had just slipped out.

She brushed it off at the time, but now it was all she could think about. She had even told her therapist about it. While the older woman seemed excited for her, she still asked if that was something she'd want. If she'd even thought about it.

And truthfully, she had thought about it before. A lot. She's thought about Harry rubbing her tummy, kissing it and singing. She's thought about them falling asleep together when the baby is finally born. She's thought about how much of a daddy's girl they'd have, if it turned out to be a girl. She's thought about how if he babies her this much, she would love to see how much he'd baby their real baby. She's thought about how much she and Harry would love their shared creation. She’s thought about how much more love it could bring into their lives.

She'd arrived home from a session one day after work to find Harry peacefully reading on the couch in the soft yellow light of their living room. She took a moment to admire him from this perspective before making her presence known. Jingling her keys a bit harder than usual, making his head turn in time to watch as she hangs them up before shedding her coat and walking over to the back of the couch.

"Hello, my love." She coos, rubbing her flat palms against his chest. She kisses the side of his face a few times and he grabs hold of her hands, clutching her closer and enjoying her warmth.

"Hi, lover. How was today? Work was alright?" He lets her hands go with a kiss so he can dog-ear's his page before shutting his book, giving her his undivided attention. She rounds the couch and decides to sit on his lap, looping her arms around his neck. His hands automatically shift to hold her waist.

"Work was the same. People are obnoxious and rude. What can I do? Session went well too. Talked about something I've been thinking about a lot." She looks down at him, tracing her finger subconsciously against the silver chain he never took off. She can't help but smile at how pretty her lover is, making him reflect the same expression.

"Want me to go down there and give them a talking to? You know I'd do it." He glares playfully, furrowing his brows and puffing his chest. She laughs softly at his silly demeanour. It's one of the things she loves the most about him.

"Shut up. Annoying," She laughs, hiding her face in his neck. He laughs with her, dropping a hand to one of her thighs to smack it lightly for her comment, ultimately choosing to leaving it resting there.

"That's you. Anyway, what did you talk about? Is there something bothering you?" He asks, ignoring the way her brow raises at him for calling her the annoying one. They had such a lighthearted relationship. It filled them both with joy.

"We talked about something you said to me a while ago." She says, tone short. He couldn't tell if she was angry or if she was being shy about something.

"You said something about making a baby with me. Haven't been able to stop thinking about it." She muttered, biting her lower lip. His whole body went rigid beneath her at that.

"You've been thinking about it this whole time and didn't say anything?" He questions softly, looking up at her with loving eyes. She nods her head, looking off to the side to gather her thoughts.

"Yeah. I... I really want that, Harry. I already promised to love you forever when I said yes, and you make me so much better. I can't imagine how amazing you'll be as a father. I, um, I also stopped taking my birth control a few days ago." She spoke with confidence. She knew this was what she wanted, and she could tell he did too. There was something in the way she spoke about it that made him stand with her in his arms.

"Let me get this straight. You want me to put a baby in you?" He speaks boldly, almost matter of fact. He wasn't asking, he was confirming. She says nothing, choosing instead to nod furiously.

He beams at her, bringing her all the way to their bedroom before sitting her delicately on the bed. She rolled her eyes at that; it's not like she was already pregnant. He catches the look and reaches to her shoulder to shove her on the bed with an eye roll of his own.

"Better?" He mocks, grinning from ear to ear at her shocked expression. He takes his shirt, that was actually her shirt, off along with his joggers before clambering on top of her.

"You're such a knobhead." She laughs, taking off her own shirt. She didn't feel like waiting.

"A knobhead that you want to come in you. A knobhead that you want to father your children!" He exclaims jokingly. She can't help the grin on her face, pulling his chin until their lips met. Her grin evaporates when she feels him practically rip her skirt off, alongside her flimsy thong. She gasps at the feeling of his fingers on her, rubbing over her slit ever so gently. Feeling how wet she was for him.

"Were you thinking about this on your way home? You're fucking drenched." His voice had lost all sense of humour, acquiring a certain gravel to it that only served to make her wetter. She only nods, kissing his lips in a pleading sort of way.

"You want my baby this bad, huh? Want me to make you a mummy? Want to make me a daddy? S' that it, angel?" She couldn't take it anymore. The sound of his voice was driving her insane and she had checked if she was ovulating this morning and found out she was. It was like her body was demanding for him.

"Yes! Yes, lover. Please? Want it so bad," Harry felt his heart warm at the tone of her voice. He knew they called each other lover in bed when they were feeling too romantic, too lost to the moment. In a good way. She was truly desperate to try for a little person with him. Quickly, he rolls them over so she's sat atop him once more. He kisses her immediately, bringing his hand down to dip his fingers into her now sopping wet hole.

She choked on a gasp as she felt him slide two in, curling them at the joint to apply pressure exactly where he knew she needed it. He took advantage of her head falling back, attacking her neck with tender love bites and kisses. His other hand roamed around her stomach and back for a bit before reaching for her chest, tweaking her nipple between two slender fingers. Her jaw dropped when she felt his thumb land on her clit, circling hard and fast.

"God, Harry! Fuck," she could hardly breathe at the efforts her lover was putting in. "Yes! Yes," her praise was quiet, but it fuelled him regardless.

He was always an attentive lover, but something about his actions were nearly feral. Like he couldn't get enough, no matter how much she gave him. He would always want more of her. More sound, more taste, more feeling. He wanted her to always evade and overwhelm his senses. He moans at her noises, along with the feeling of her clenching around his fingers.

"C'mon, lover. Come so I can put our baby in ya," he breathes against her neck, licking any patches of skin he can reach. Her eyes roll back at his words, crying out for both him and God.

"Tha's it, lover. Good girl," he whispers huskily, slowing the movement of his fingers and moving the other hand to hold her body even more tightly against his. When he can feel her body shuddering, he pulls his fingers from her and sticks them in his mouth, sucking them clean in a filthy way.

"Please put our baby in me," she requests in a small voice with a smile, tears streaking down her cheeks. She was so overwhelmed by him and by the prospect of what they were doing that she started crying happy tears. His smile is worth everything to her in that moment, pulling his face up for a kiss.

"Yeah, lover. I'll do that," his voice is tender, like his touch. He kisses her as he lays her body beneath him again, stopping for a moment to take in her form. Her body was so gentle and relaxed after he'd made her feel good, and he couldn't help but kiss her tummy. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and her hair was starting to frizz, but she'd never looked better.

This wasn't by any means the first time they'd had sex without a condom but it was, however, the first time they'd done it without her taking birth control.

The rational part of their minds knew it wouldn't physically feel any better, but they couldn't help the buzz around them at the thought.

He kisses her neck lightly as he grasps himself, tugging a few times to make sure he was nice and hard for her. He knew he was already rock solid, but he wanted to be extra sure. This was important. When he pushes into her, his eyes roll to the back of his head. She grits her teeth at the feeling of being so full of her lover, digging her nails into his side.

He pushes the rest of the way in, taking a pause there for a moment. He could tell he was pressed against her in a delicious way from the look on her face. His hips started to create a rhythm they could both enjoy; deep and hard, slow and passionate. They were making love, after all.

"G'na be the best mum, fuck, I know it," he pants into her ear, leaning his body further into hers. She whines into his hair, lifting her hips off the bed to get closer to him, even if it wasn't possible.

"You're- oh my god, fuck! You're gonna be the best dad, you already take, oh shit, take such good care of me. Such a good lover,” she can tell her voice sounds fucked out, but hell if she gave a fuck. He squeezes her hand in response, kissing her neck again. He felt himself get hotter at her words. The way their bodies collided could be heard in the thick air around them, filling their ears with beautiful music.

She could hear it in the way he moaned in her ear that he was so close. She was, too, just at the thought of him filling her up with possibly more than just nut. They could get a baby out of this. Her eyes roll back as she practically howled in pleasure.

“Please come, please I wanna feel it,” she begged as she lost her mind, repeating her chant.

“Oh my fuck, yeah, baby. Finish for me first, lover. Good fucking girl,” he praises her, kissing along her collarbones as he fucked her through her orgasm. He was so close he could practically taste it, but he had to say something first.

“I love you, angel. I’m gonna love you forever.” His words are broken up between moans in her ear, making her cry out with him. She was so sensitive that when he let go and shot into her, she came again.

He could barely move once he was spent, dropping his weight to his elbows and laying on top of her chest, which was moving rapidly along with his own.

He kisses the skin beneath him as she plays with his hair, both too dazed to say anything.

She’s the first to break their silence when she tells him she loves him too.

“‘M bloody glad you love me too, or else it would be pretty awkward for us to have a baby together.” He mutters sarcastically, not even having the energy to lift his head. It was like she sucked out his soul and he needed 2 to 5 business days to get back to being functional. She’d have to call Jeff and let him know the bad news.

“You’re a dork. But, I wouldn’t choose anyone else to do this with. You helped me through the worst days and showed me what I could be. I owe you everything.” She cards her fingers through his hair, speaking softly.

“I resent that, firstly. But I’m proud I get to be this person for you. You’re everything to me, so you don’t owe me a thing. I’m just happy that you’re getting help for yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do, and I’m proud of you. Extremely fucking proud.” He had turned his head to where his chin was poking at her tummy so he could look at her face.

“I’m happy I took your advice. Outsourcing help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. It shows that you can pull yourself up and realise you have a problem, you know?” She tries to explain it, but he knows. He’d been telling her all along. He even went to therapy.

“Yeah, baby. I’m happy you’re here with me.” He says, and she knows he meant here, alive, not just here with him at that moment. She holds onto him a little bit tighter.

“I’ll always be here. I need you too much to go anywhere”

IF you can help support the blog, I have a Ko-Fi page :)

PS if you’re sexy, reblog this :o

#harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles blog #harry styles smut #harry styles dirty #Harry Styles #boyfriendharry #harry x reader #harry x y/n #harry x you #harry 1d #1D FanFic #1dff #1d fic #1d imagines #masterlist #mobile masterlist

280 notes · View notes