whentherewerebicycles

[whentherewerebicycles]

i love living in western washington. i can literally just get on the ferry

#I’m about to live this #including maybe missing the ferry

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok therapy made me feel more human and she gave me some middle-of-the-night coping strategies to deal with the pain-induced panic. she also thinks i should take medical leave from work earlier instead of trying to work up to my due date and idk i think i am considering it. i feel like the situation with [redacted] is causing me so much stress and then the rough nights/fragmented sleep mean i'm not ever really coming down from the stress and i wonder if it would be good to just like. have a hard stop at work and take some time to fully decompress before baby arrives instead of rolling straight from work into giving birth. i just found out that i got that college essay coaching job i interviewed for earlier this week, which creates some new issues (finding a nanny + possibly having to start working again earlier than planned postpartum) BUT means that i should be able to make enough to cover daycare this year and to take some additional unpaid leave if needed. i will think about it a bit this weekend but i am leaning towards ending on May 24 instead of June 3 if i can get medical approval, which i should be able to. wow sorry my public diary is just Lots of Stress right now but i think i am working through it. i also was able to get in to see the hand specialist in two weeks which is not tomorrow but is better than expected. so maybe everything will be okay who knows!!! i have to keep reminding myself that all of this stress has a purpose: i am about to meet a BABY and he is going to come home to live in my house with me and my dogs and he's going to be my kid!!!!!

#pregnancy tag

[whentherewerebicycles]

dude i am super stressed about logistics for this stupid choir concert. we have to take a FERRY to an ISLAND but the ferry is like an hour's drive in minimal traffic and i am totally unfamiliar with that part of town and also apparently the parking is really bad because of how the area is zoned. but i think i will just like... leave at 1ish, arrive at 2ish, ferry is at 3ish so that should leave me plenty of time to park, walk over, and find my ride onto the ferry (or buy a walk-on ticket if for whatever reason i can't find them easily). i am just scared of forgetting my dress, my music, my shoes, etc etc and also i think i am just a little emotionally frazzled at the moment. this will be fine it will be fine it will be fine. literally the worst thing that could possibly happen is i miss the concert and that would be annoying but not catastrophic.

[whentherewerebicycles]

I am using the happy photo of Pip again because it fills me with joy and I need a burst of joy. I also just remembered my mom is in town tomorrow for a few days so she can take care of me 😭😭 I will be okay I am just in a weird place right now!!!

today I am taking a half day at work for this choir concert… it is going to be such a long day and such a late night but we soldier on. here goes:

7-8:30 work emails & small tasks

8:30-9 shower/get ready, breakfast

9-10 small tasks + email tutoring company

10-11 DW

11-12 KM

12-1:10ish eat lunch, take dogs out and feed them early dinner, pack music jumper shoes and tights!!!!

drive to M’s and then to ferry

2-11 choir concert 🫠

drive home and zzz. maybe I’ll be so wiped out the pain won’t wake me up!!! you never know!!!!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

.

woke up and immediately cried my eyes out bc I feel so hopeless/frantic/freaked out about my hands. the pain at night is just unbelievable. baby is kicking irritably and I feel guilty about flooding him with so much stress/distress. I think it feels emotionally worse because yesterday I thought I was getting the oral steroids and then she called back and said no so now it just feels like there’s no hope at all and no chance I’ll be able to get into the specialist in enough time for it to make a difference. but also it feels physically worse bc like… the pain is just getting worse. and that is scary because it’s already so unfathomably bad and yet every night I discover it can in fact hurt even more. I feel dumbfounded that people live with chronic pain like this every day of their lives. like I’ve been dealing with this for a month? five weeks? barely any time at all and I already feel like it’s making me so fragile and fearful and isolated. aaaaaaaaaaa and then you just have to get up and face the day even though you just weathered a terrifying experience (the night). also my mom pointed out that my uncle developed rheumatoid arthritis in his mid-30s which 🫠 it seems unlikely that’s what this is (RA seems to almost always go into remission during pregnancy, not flare up) but aaaaaaaa okay. ok. I put in a message for my OB and will call the ortho doctor again. I have therapy today and I can ask her for help managing some of the big emotions especially at night when I feel so much despair. also I am having some slightly painful braxton hicks contractions this morning but I think it’s because my stomach is upset (that seems to be what made them painful last time). wow the body is REALLY falling apart huh

#pregnancy tag #sorry I gotta just expel the nighttime feelings

[whentherewerebicycles]

live look at my hand right now (and its epsom salt bath. and pip’s peanut butter jar treat)

#for the record it's not supposed to look like that ahaha #SO MUCH SWELLING

[whentherewerebicycles]

jk she called back and can’t give me steroids bc I had the shots first so I have nothing aaaaaaa okay not spiraling but night approaches and with it The Despair

ok saw the OB and she was pretty concerned about the hand pain… said some level of carpal tunnel is very normal in pregnancy but this is outside the bounds of what she’d expect. I will start steroids for two weeks and then she’s going to try to get me into this occupational therapist who does some kind of ultrasound treatment that is supposed to help with short-term relief. bad news is I guess not all cases resolve at birth and there’s some chance I’d need surgery in the six months after the baby arrives 🫠 but I’m not gonna spiral about it I’m hopeful that the steroids will buy me a couple more weeks although it seems like if the shots didn’t help the pills might not either :( but NO SPIRALING YET I will exhaust my options first!!!!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok saw the OB and she was pretty concerned about the hand pain… said some level of carpal tunnel is very normal in pregnancy but this is outside the bounds of what she’d expect. I will start steroids for two weeks and then she’s going to try to get me into this occupational therapist who does some kind of ultrasound treatment that is supposed to help with short-term relief. bad news is I guess not all cases resolve at birth and there’s some chance I’d need surgery in the six months after the baby arrives 🫠 but I’m not gonna spiral about it I’m hopeful that the steroids will buy me a couple more weeks although it seems like if the shots didn’t help the pills might not either :( but NO SPIRALING YET I will exhaust my options first!!!!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

i keep feeling guilty for not "cherishing" the end of pregnancy enough which i think is probably just hormones talking. i definitely cherished the hell out of the second trimester and part of the third! i think part of the wahh feelings is that i'm not sure i'll have the $ to do this again and so i feel like i should be really appreciating & valuing every single moment. but also like. my hands and ankles are so swollen lol. also i want to meet this kid. it's okay to want this last bit to hurry up!!

#i don't want to get a head start on feeling guilty about parenting stuff lol #it seems like that comes for you regardless #also i think i will make a second child happen. i think i will will it into existence. kids deserve siblings

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok today is pretty light:

email BA

SAS planning tasks

reschedule CJ

start laundry

call car leasing company

call ortho surgeon

book acupuncture/cupping appt

call about prenatal/carpal tunnel massage

fill out vision reimbursement forms and find receipts

leave AK draft feedback

shower by 1ish

print leasing form, VSP forms, contact receipts, fedex label

leave for OB appt at 3 (bring returns)

do about 50 amazon returns on the way home

write to faculty group with program update (I can move this to tomorrow if need be)

leave LB draft feedback

spend 30 min on workshop plan

fill out food forms for june event

walk dogs 30 min

PT stretches for hands before bed

[whentherewerebicycles]

Can I please have a cappuccino but with oat milk and a big pump of sugarfree chocolate syrup and... Lol I remember your stupid ass from 2,300 years ago. We were living in seleucis on the tigris river during the same span of summers... do you rememver a red ibis bird with beautiful plumes? Yeah U were a sort of dull brown goat that didn't train and dint make milk or kids. Yeah? No? Eventually the Zoroastrian homesteaders who owned you started feeding you contaminated barley to try and kill you lol. Maybe you remember the ergotism? Anyway. also I want one of these 🫵stupid little breads in the case

[whentherewerebicycles]

I need to remember some people have sciatica or that pelvic separation thing and can barely walk during pregnancy 😭 like at least I’m mobile still I’m just in so much pain. I think I could manage the pain alone but I feel like the lack of sleep is gonna be what kills me 😭😭😭

[whentherewerebicycles]

hoo boy waves of middle of the night despair

[whentherewerebicycles]

I think I knew this was coming when my hand didn’t get better all the way post-shot but I’m still bawling about it at 1:18am. having a hard time coping with the idea of six more weeks of this

well. excruciating overnight hand pain is back 😩 it was beautiful to have five whole nights of sleep without it

[whentherewerebicycles]

well. excruciating overnight hand pain is back 😩 it was beautiful to have five whole nights of sleep without it

[whentherewerebicycles]

my nephew recently learned how to smile and it’s unbearable omg he’s just a little GUY!!!!!!!

#a HAPPY LITTLE GUY!!!!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

Glasses people love to make you try their glasses on to see how fucked up their eyes are. It's a sign of respect in their culture.