#undiagnosed mental illness | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

siconetribal · 2 years

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You're My Everything

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!reader

Tag: @vbecker10

Warning: Verbal Abuse, undiagnosed mental illness, and mild mentioning of childhood trauma

Author Note:

PLEASE READ WARNING.

And here is another attempt at my portraying a supportive relationship with Jason Todd. Please let me know what you think.

“What the hell do you even know? What good are you if you don’t know anything, huh? Why are you even there?” He shouted at the top of his lungs from the balcony that overlooked the double ceiling family room. “I don’t know, I don’t know!” His voice boomed overhead, sarcasm pouring from every syllable as he mockingly repeated her simple answer. It was a surprise there was no vein protruding from his neck from how angry he looked, his eyes bulging from their sockets as he glared down at her. “What good are you? All you do is sit on your cellphone anyway! Wasting my time! They told you they didn’t get the files, that means they didn’t get the files! You’re a liar! A good for nothing! What do I even pay you for, goddammit! You can’t even do a simple task of transferring files to the cloud storage at the end of the day?”

“We were out of town for uncle’s funeral.” She reminded her father, her voice nearly quivered, but she held her ground. This was nothing new, and it was certainly not the last of his explosive outbursts. Ignore it, don’t argue back. It’s the same stupid thing and he’s not going to listen. Why waste your breath? What more am I supposed to do when all of them use me as a means to get away with everything? I’m supposed to do the files, confirm the appointments, deal with the billers, do medical records, answer the phone calls, make sure they all come in on time, make sure they all message him when they aren’t coming into the office but don’t use the phone too much so he isn’t bothered, coordinate with the adult daycare facility, work on the RPM, work on the CCM, make sure the telehealths are done, make sure the copay is collected, make sure the MAs are in the rooms with him when he’s with patients, make his tea, make sure he has his lunch, and do the scanning! I’m on the stupid phone because I’m sending messages to the NP and the other RPM staff! They complain about the scanning being done only by her but when I try to take it she says it’s fine and that she’ll do it! Am I supposed to snatch it from her?! What the hell do you even want from me? I don’t know why they didn’t get anything, I made sure to send every stupid file again the day we came back! The corners of her eyes stung as her father continues to berate her in English and Urdu.

Her mother silently sat with her, unable to assist her in any way. What could she do? He would just tell her to shut up and start the blame game of how she and her siblings were all corrupted by their mother, who intentionally poisoned their minds against him. It would only prolong this situation and she wanted nothing more to do with it. Was it a continuous toxic cycle? Yes. Was there a potential to fix it? Yes. Would it ever be fixed? No, because he failed to see his own shortcomings. Though a dedicated and loving father at heart, he was a man with many ignored childhood traumas and a very likely case of undiagnosed bipolarity. They held countless family meetings trying to change and better the dynamics, but in the end his issues would be triggered, and his poor defense mechanisms would kick in with guilting, emotional blackmailing, and self-victimization.

This is nothing new. Just sit quietly and listen. Let him say wherever he wants to say and it’ll be over. He’ll forget about it and act like he didn’t just start world war fifty. She refrained from rolling her eyes as she took the rapid fire insults came ripping through her mentally and emotionally like cannonballs ripping through an enemy ship. She glanced at her smartwatch at the nudge of a vibration.

<Hey, is everything ok? Do I need to come over there?> The text appeared under a name: Jay Jay the Jet Bird.

Shiitake mushrooms, I forgot I was texting him! Her heart dropped to her gut. Him coming will definitely make all hell break loose! She gritted her teeth and quickly replied from the circular screen; <one sec, busy.>

<Let me know when you’re free.> The reply quickly came back. The small distraction was more than enough to help keep her quiet long enough for her father to return to his home office. As he walked away, he continued to loudly complain about her as if she were not there, but he knew his words were heard by her. She glanced at her mother who looked hurt and lost, just like she always did in these situations. What could she do? Any attempt of her trying to push back was met with greater aggression, and her mother was not the fighting type. Not wanting to talk about it, she shook her head and pointed to the basement door.

“I’m gonna head down to my room and just stay there, the longer I’m out of sight, the faster this will blow over like usual.”

“You can’t just stay in the basement, there are household chores to do.” Her mother frowned, ready to reprimand her for shirking her eldest daughter duties.

Are you kidding me? The last thing I wanna do is even breathe in his general direction, you want to just stay here and do dishes that aren’t even done yet? A bunch of us haven’t even eaten dinner yet, if I do them now, I’ll need to come back again. “I’ll do them later. Plus, what are your other kids for?” Gosh darnit Napa, I shouldn’t have said that!

“So, just because they don’t do it, you won’t? I’m the only one who’s supposed to do the work around here? What am I, everyone’s maid? What are you going to do when I’m dead?”

And round 500 with the maternal unit! She internally groaned. “Mom, mom, I’ll do it! Ok, I’ll do it! Just wait until all the dishes are in the sink!” She quickly cut in, looking at the balcony to make sure he had not heard them.

“Finish them before 10. We need to clean the kitchen before 10. I don’t want to go upstairs with a dirty kitchen and I don’t want to come back down eleven or twelve o’clock just to clean! I can’t go to sleep with a messy house.”

“I know, I know! Mom, I know!” She insisted. “Now, I’m going down!” She quickly went through the doorway and shut the door as she took the flight of steps down to the spacious basement and plopped onto one of the menu plush sofas with a heavy sigh. Her head was pounding and her chest was throbbing but she pushed through, pulling her phone out of her pocket. <Sorry, I’m free now.> She lay back across the love seat, her legs dangling over one of the arms when her phone and smartwatch both begin to light up and buzz continuously. She glanced at the screen to see the handsome face of her secret boyfriend and sat up, swiping the green phone button after slipping in her earbuds.

“Hey,” she managed the simple greeting, but sounded utterly exhausted. She hated how she sounded, knowing he went through so much worse and was always risking his life. He was fond of the tone. He preferred her happy and upbeat, or going off on some tangent about something she was really into at the moment.

“Damn, you sound horrible. What happened this time?”

“It’s nothing,” she insisted. He was silent and she knew it meant he was not budging. “Really, Jason, it’s nothing new. I’ve been through this sorta thing hundreds of times already, there’s no point talking about it.” She flopped back onto the sofa.

“That doesn’t make it “nothing”. Aren’t you the one who’s always on my ass about how, regardless of how many times, you’re always going to listen and be there? Let me be there for you, too. I’ll listen,” his promise made her smile.

“No rushing over and causing a scene?” He fell silent again. “Jason, you have to promise you are going to just listen.”

“Fine, fine! I’ll just listen! I’m not going to threaten, maim, or harass anyone!”

“Nor are you allowed to tell anyone else to do it.” She added, and he clicked his tongue in annoyance.

“Goddammit, fine! You win, just listening!” He begrudgingly agreed. “But that means you’re not glazing over anything! I get to know everything.” It was her turn to fall silent, debating if this was a good idea.

“Yeah, ok, I’ll tell you everything.” Her voice came out a lot softer, weaker, than he anticipated. He definitely was not a fan of this.

What the fuck happened? He didn’t hit or something, right? He frowned as he moved further away from his friends. They had just finished a mission and were passing the time doing their own things, so he thought about texting her to let her know he would be back home soon. The delays in her responses was not out of the ordinary, it was not always easy for her to text him back when her family was around. It was the short responses that quickly became no response for a lengthy time that clues him in that she was not in a good situation. “Hey, pumpkin butt, is everything ok? You don’t,” he stopped speaking the moment she began telling him about her day.

It started out just like any other day, in fact it was one of the better ones, with praised from patients and sincere gratitude from her father for all the help she was giving him at his private practice. It confused him a bit on how things could have taken such a drastic turn, but he was not surprised since it happened so suddenly more often than not with her father. And just like always, nothing parked a raging fire of vitriol and insults. What threw him was the quiet sobs he heard from the other side. They have talked about her home life many times, and she has cried about it before, but never has she ever just broke down crying so quickly and painfully like this. He gripped his chest at the heart-wrenching sound of her tears.

“Why aren’t I good enough? Why would I lie to him? Why can’t he just believe me? I’m always trying so hard! I do everything he asks as best I can, I even gave up my own career to come back and help out! He was just going on about how grateful he was this afternoon, and now suddenly I’m even worse than Satan! What did I do? Why am I always such a failure? How much more can I do when I’m already doing so much? Am I ever going to be good enough? Maybe if I wasn’t born, he’d be happier.”

“No,” he snapped. She instantly went silent. Crap, calm down! He took a few deep breaths, running a hand through his hair, when he felt a few pairs of eyes on him. He turned and shook his head, waving them off as he moved further away. “Baby, you aren’t a failure. You’re one of the brightest, dorkiest, and greatest people I know. And I know some pretty badass people. Actually, scratch that, you are the best person I know. Never say you shouldn’t have been born. If it weren’t for you, I’d be lost doing even dumber, more reckless shit than usual. I’d never met my book-nerd buddy and best friend. I’d be living off of microwaved pop-tarts and takeout. If we never met, I wouldn’t have known what love is. You are my everything, so please, don’t every say things like you shouldn’t have been born.”

“Really?” Her voice was a little hoarse from the sobs. She knew he would never just say things like that, but she felt so vulnerable and fragile right now that it was too good to be true.

“Of course, really. You’re the girl that’s made my bad days better. I can say without a doubt that my life has changed since I met you. You gave me a gift I never thought possible, you loved me when I couldn’t love myself. I wish I could find the words to describe your eyes that share your warmth, and how the sound of your voice gives me butterflies. How your smiles makes my heart skip a beat, I just, fuck! I wanna just hug you right now!” He grumbled, wishing he was somewhere nearby to take her back to his place.

“Thank you, Jay Jay, I love you too.” She smiled, rubbing at her sore eyes. “Gosh, I feel like such a big baby! You’re out there risking your life, and I’m here having a breakdown over words.”

“Not all of us can be superheroes.” He chuckled. “Getting beat up physically is way easier than mentally. Speaking of my line of work, we actually ended up finishing a little early and will be heading out early tomorrow.”

“Wait, really?!” She sat up at this exciting news.

“Yeah, I should be back in like two or three days. Think you can pencil me in between dealing with billers and scanning a bajillion documents?”

“Well, if it was a bajillion plus one, there would be no way. Since it’s just a bajillion, I can work something out.”

“Dork,” he snorted.

“Excuse you, I am not a whale’s penis!”

“What the fuck?!”

“You heard me! If you don’t believe me, look it up!” Hearing her laugh was music to his ears, regardless of how utterly strange the conversation was right now.

“Yeah, yeah, hold on.” He pulled his phone away from his ear and tapped on the search bar. “You’re totally making this up thou-what the fuck?! Why do you know this!?”

“Cause I do? And that note, sweet dreams pop-tart! I’ll see you when you get back.”

“How the hell am I supposed to have any sweet dreams when you’ve ruined my innocence like that?! I’m not going to get a wink of sleep!”

“Oh, you’ll be fine! I’ll make it up to you when you get back, ok? Also, thanks for listening.”

“Anytime, baby doll, anytime. Good night, I’ll see you soon.” He ended the call just as he heard someone walking over, turning and walking back to the group with a slight pep in his step at the promise of holding his lady love once again.

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