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#undiagnosed mental illness
imconfusedallthetimehelp · 12 hours ago
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You know, sometimes I think I'm faking my undiagnosed adhd. Then I do shit like look at a calendar and wonder what day the bad batch comes out, and I can't remember and it really bugs me, then I go on tumblr and it's fucking star wars day.
Like. Easiest to remember shit to ever remember
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enemy-to-the-state · a day ago
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Things I’m Starting to Question About Myself:
- I’m obsessive about time, being on time, all the time. When I was in the fifth grade, my mother was a teacher who’s classroom was right across the hall from my teacher’s classroom, meaning it was impossible for me to ever be late. However, without fail, every morning, I would stand at my mom’s classroom door, with my backpack on my shoulders, 20 minutes ahead of the bell, watching the clock. I needed to be On Time, no earlier, no later.
At first, my mother thought this was cute, but when it was a repeated action, she commented on how odd and weird it was, “You’re going to be on time no matter what, Ash; you don’t need to stand at the door.” I tried to listen, tried to Not wait at the door, but it made me feel so uncomfortable and wrong that I would run to the door with my backpack anyways, vibrating and intensely looking at the clock.
When I start getting closer to the time I need to leave to go somewhere, I get increasingly agitated. My dad meanders slowly. “Dad, please, it’s time to go.” I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet by the front door. He frowns, “C’mon, Ash, you’re gonna be on time, there’s no need for that kind of passive aggressive behavior.” Except, I wasn’t trying to be rude or passive aggressive, I’m just so nervous. I need to be on time.
I caught pink eye once, since I hadn’t known to address how unwell I was feeling beforehand, my father only found out that morning. I made my sister late for school. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t even focused on myself being sick. I kept thinking all day “God, I’m so horrible. I made her late. I made her late. I made her late.” My sister doesn’t even remember this, yet I can’t get it out of my head.
I was only late for school once, In 8th grade. It wasn’t my fault and was excused immediately, but I started to cry as soon as I got to my first period classroom, shaking. My teacher had no idea what to do, so she sent me out to the hall to cry it out.
- I had a deep fascination for shipwrecks, but specifically the Titanic.
When I was in the third grade, I read one 3rd grade reading level book on the Titanic and I was hooked. I wanted to no everything about it. I needed to know. How many people died? When exactly did it sink? What was found? What are those rust stalagtites that cling on to the ship underwater now? How deep is the Mariana Trench? Absolutely everything.
I read every book I could find about the Titanic, even books far above my reading level. I would read read read read read. My parents were like, “Awwww our little reading genius,” but I didn’t really care or recognize the reading level, I just cared about the Titanic.
When a program would come on about the Titanic or any shipwreck, I’d be like “No no no leave this on!” I needed to see it. More information was welcome.
I found a book in a drawer at my grandparents house about the Titanic. I read it all night.
When the topic was introduced I would start vibrating in joy, and info dump. “Ash, I didn’t need to know all of that.” ....”.....Ah okay, sorry.”
Even today, when I see something like Drain The Oceans or some Titanic Documentary, I’m like “I’m watching this Right Now.”
- I’m “careless”, and by that I mean that I’ve been labeled as “clumsy”.
I’m prone to dropping things,or having things slip from my grasp. People get mad, “You need to learn to be more careful.” But I’m trying. I’m watching my hands, looking where I’m going, and I still fuck up somehow.
I don’t know how much pressure to apply to the fridge’s filtered water dispenser. I grab a glass and push, but it was too much pressure because the glass slips, and water gets all over the floor. It’s been the same refrigerator for years.
I suck at sports that require any sort of hand-eye-coordination. Basketball? I sprained my finger because the ball bounced back at me off the rim. Football? I throw, but it goes way off mark. It’s the same for frisbee, volleyball, and even speedball. Sports that don’t require that, like skiing, hiking, kayaking, backpacking, or biking are all things I excel at.
- When I get nervous or excited I start getting “bouncy”
Like I mentioned in the time segment, I bounce on the balls of my feet when agitated. When i’m excited, I need to make some kind of motion like finger flicking, foot and/or leg bouncing.
I make a lot of unnecessary lip movements too, although I desperately try to hide that one in public (so the masks are kind of nice right now i guess) because I’ve been told it looks very weird.
- Eye contact is an issue.
I can make eye contact with people, but it is THE absolute worst. I hate it. It makes me feel wrong, scared, agitated, and a little bit threatened. Usually I stop just short of eye contact for people so they think I’m looking at them, but I can semi-get away with looking at their mouth or nose.
- There are certain textures I can’t deal with. I touch it, or even think about touching it, and I immediately need to touch something else more agreeable.
Examples include: rubber (why I hate to wear crocs), any socks tbh I usually go barefoot, styrofoam, chalkboard.
Touching or thinking about touching those things makes me shake because I’m uncomfortable, and I need to go touch like....sandpaper or something.
- Noises
It’s difficult to say, but it’s very very specific sounds and volumes that bother me.
Similarly to touch, I also hate the sound of styrofoam. It grates on my nerves. My sister thinks it’s sooooooooo funny that I’m bothered by the sound, so when she has styrofoam she’ll start squeaking it together just to bother me. I’m not amused.
My dad didn’t understand it when he was walking on metal with crocs, and it made this horrible high-pitched squeal, that I was so unnerved that it caused me physical pain. I had to put my hands over my ears to block it out. He says I was overreacting.
My mom had the volume on her laptop up. I couldn’t even stay in the same room.
There are a lot of sounds you don’t really think about. The electrical hum of your computer, the fish tank slightly bubbling, a tree branch hitting the side of the house softly. You think it’s quiet, but it’s not.
Anyways, I have no idea if this means anything. I’m still trying to figure myself out.
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gaypanicsince2001 · a day ago
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I have a lot of stuff pilling up for three weeks now and decided that this weekend I'll do something about it.
Knowing myself, I'll either:
get my shit done and prepare in a way that I'll stay productive for the next month or two
Or pressure myself so much about doing absolutley nothing for the past month that I get a panic attack, cry in the shower and shut down completely, being able to only read fanfiction and pet my cats
Good luck to me, midterms start in two weeks :D
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enemy-to-the-state · a day ago
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me: *has ordered from starbucks by myself on many occasions and sometimes i even end up ordering for other people because i anticipated those situations ahead of time and was able to perform the task*
me: *thinks that walking into starbucks this time, my dad will order, and thus i don’t mentally prepare for it*
my dad: ok, ash, take my card and order
me, brain going immediately static: there’s coffee at home
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difficultinreality · 2 days ago
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i remember when i was young i was unable to tell if i was alive or if i was in a coma. i thought people could hear my thoughts and they were all making fun of me. every person to ever laugh was laughing at me, and every person to ever be upset was upset with me.
i found it very difficult to cope with the simplest of things. i found it very difficult to make and keep friends (still do). i had to actively teach myself how to emote properly, and with much trial and error, i think ive gotten it down.
now this could just be autism, as i’ve only ever seen things that weren’t there out of the corner of my eye, and I’ve never heard a voice without an outside source. but im worried that its just a very mild form of something more serious.
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difficultinreality · 2 days ago
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my current reality is subpar. i havent gone a single day this week without crying at some point. twice today. all because of this thing that won’t get out of my mind. it marked me young and now im stuck living with it
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sad-sometimesxx · 7 days ago
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why am i so overwhelmed? what is making me feel this way? there is nothing that is challenging me but my own brain. i have a stable income, a safe place to call home, food, and people who love me. why does my brain tell me i’m not safe?
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sanity-is-a-joke · a month ago
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I just sat numbly in the dark, cutting and playing stardew valley while watching twitch vods for 4 hours.
I’m so fucking not okay, like it’s obvious.
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violetfairylights · a month ago
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Having a younger sibling can really be a nightmare. I never knew exactly why particular things about my sister annoyed me so much but I have a suspicion she might be a sensory trigger for me. I know she’s just a kid but she’s almost 11 and is constantly barging into my room, jumping on my bed, touching all my stuff and overall being really loud. She naturally speaks very loudly but she often jumps at me when I’m not expecting it to scare me because she knows I’ll get scared. She finds it amusing even though I told her I don’t like it but since my parents don’t see anything wrong with it she won’t stop. I really don’t wanna be annoyed with her but I can’t help it.
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violetfairylights · a month ago
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Because I lack an actual diagnosis from a professional I often tell myself there’s no way I could have depression and I’m just being lazy. But then I remember how easily drained I get. I wish I could be able to do 4 hours of schoolwork, do chores and still have enough energy after to do exercise, do something I love and properly look after myself but I just can’t. Everyday I have to prioritise something to spend the small amount of energy I have on it. Usually it’s schoolwork and chores which my parents make me do and after I have no energy left for things I actually want to do like learning how to bake or drawing. It’s frustrating when I don’t have enough energy to use for myself because I’m forced to use it on something that’s considered more important.
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violetfairylights · a month ago
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That moment when you can’t tell if you’ve just been stuck in the house for too long, if you’re too irritable or if you’re having sensory overload because your ableist parents never let you see a professional. Basically my house is just really REALLY loud all the time. When I’m trying to do homework and I hear my sister in the next room talking with her friends on the phone and she has them on speaker and they are also playing a loud game, and then my mum is either watching something really loudly or hoovering, and someone in my street is yelling outside and it makes me want to curl up under a blanket or bang my head against the wall. I’ve also noticed that specifically when my mum yells (even just to call my sister downstairs) and she does it multiple times it sounds almost weirdly painful and makes my neck do this weird neck twitch thing and I keep on quietly whispering to myself “shut up shut up shut up” and I end up tearing up.
Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with this and if it’s sensory overload or just me being way to sensitive? I cannot get diagnosed or see a professional because my parents are massively ableist but I do continues research and also compare it to myself when I was younger and I think I might have ADHD.
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methoughtsrsad · a month ago
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TW
i’m afraid she might kill herself. i don’t know how to help. she says she would never do it but what if. if she does i don’t think i’ll be able to hold on anymore. life feels pointless
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orion-246 · a month ago
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Me: hey can I get a doctors appointment to see if I have adhd
Mum: haha no <3 you know the kids with adhd? They always run into cars and hurt themselves so you can’t have adhd <3
Me, who’s researched about adhd, has similar symptoms/problems: w hat—o k aY
Me, internally: -Cats on Mars music playing in the corner of my head-
Wh a T if what she’s sa y i n g is tru E? Whw h ats wrong w with me then
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thechaosentitty · a month ago
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do you ever want to struggle more only so that you finally get an official label for it? because now you are stuck half way there, struggling too much to be considered “normal”, and coping just a tiny bit too well to be taken seriously
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alongwiththehorrors · a month ago
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The rage that I have inside of me. Why do I get so angry? Why can't I be normal?
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dolphincommander · a month ago
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Just want to put some things I have to say into the world. This is the only place I can say I am struggling with body dysmorphia nearly everyday and fight aggressive habits that border self harm (skin picking, scratching, stretching, compression, etc) and I feel like I'm going crazy as it shifts in and out of focus. I can't say these things anywhere else without getting some other person's opinions about my body and it makes me even more uncomfortable. I don't want to hear that I look pretty, or that I'm hot right now. I'm not, but that's not the point. I don't know what I want to hear exactly. Maybe I just want my feelings acknowledged?
It's worst when people decide that what I have to say about my own feelings is wrong. That these aren't really the feelings I'm having, like some fucking 'these are not the droids you are looking for' moment. Fucking seriously? Makes me want to jump off a fucking building & kill your dog, it hurts me THAT MUCH.
Covid has given me MAJOR relief in public interactions thanks to face masks & social distancing. Nobody pays attention to my body, and people actively avoid being anywhere near me! But it KILLS ME every time that I have to look at myself in the stupid fucking mirrors that fill my old ass apartment and look at my body in the shower or bath. It's not my weight, it's not my scars. It's my body's very existence that makes me want to scream.
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allmyillnessthoughts · a month ago
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Not only am I chronically ill physically and will probably be undiagnosed for most of my life because doctors don't believe me but I am also mentally ill and ghosted my therapist
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pillowprincephilip · 2 months ago
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i don’t know how to describe my problem but more often then not i actually do the work i just never turn it it. i have a pile of latin translations that i dont wanna scan and load into a pdf. 
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stupidlittlebrain · 2 months ago
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Haven’t showered in uuuhhhh fuckinnn uuuhhhh let’s see two weeks? As for brushing my teeth... baby girl we don’t have to go there
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allmyillnessthoughts · 2 months ago
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Sometimes hanging out with people I have to mask around almost doesn’t feel worth it
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