jinxvents

[jinxvents]

signs you were not doing well as a child:

you spent most of your time in your room/alone, not because you wanted to, but because it was the safest thing to do

you had to worry about whether you’d be able to eat safely that day, or if you’d be met with insults, attacks and/or being chased away from food

you wanted to inflict harm onto yourself and felt it was normal to want to harm you

you inflicted harm onto your body

you spent a long time having imaginary conversations in your head where you tried to prove somehow that you were not as bad as everyone make it seem, or that someone cares about you

you sank into obsessions in order to get thru whatever was going on

you felt as if you were barely making it thru, and if there was just one more thing you’d have to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to take it

you had wild fantasies about someone taking you away from all of this and taking you somewhere safe where you wouldn’t be despised

you never felt at home, you felt like you didn’t have a home

you looked for every possible place to hide, in order to feel safe for a little while, both to keep your enjoyment secret and in case of a danger, you needed to have a hiding place

you were scared of all of your enjoyment being taken away the second people found out

you had to spend more time doing chores or taking care of others, than you could spend developing your own friendships and life

you felt inexplicably and endlessly lonely, you dreamed of one day having friends and it felt unreachable, impossible, like asking for too much

you never cried, or hid when you cried, feeling ashamed and weak

you over-indulged into a tv show, or a computer game, or a piece of media, to the point where it didn’t feel like you lived at all unless you were interacting with it

sometimes the insults and the shaming you endured got to you to the point where you believed things would be better if you didn’t exist

you were constantly trying to check if your parents actually cared for you or not, and took any tiny hint of attention, even negative attention, as a possible proof that they might care, but you could never know for sure which it was

you were scared of getting abandoned, getting kicked out of the house, getting left on the street, you even tried to plan what you would do if it happened

you had moments when you felt like the worst person to ever live

you thought about ending your life, to stop the pain 

you felt guilt and shame so large, you thought there was nothing in the world that could possibly redeem you

you ran to hide when your family member would come home, you couldn’t bear being seen in ‘their part of the house’ (living room, dining room)

you were reluctant to admit anything that was bothering you to your parents or caretakers, because you already knew they would either blame you, or use it against you

you spiraled into dark thoughts, all on your own, telling no one

you experienced feeling so numb and lifeless, you didn’t know what was wrong with you, and it scared you

you couldn’t imagine yourself going far in the future, or accomplishing much at all, you felt it would be a miracle if you’re alive later on

you tried to blame yourself for anything that had ever happened to you, trying to get control over it, trying to make it so it doesn’t happen again

you got into media that is restricted for children (extreme violence, gruesome horror and gore, sexually explicit and sexually violent materials) and you absorbed it and told no one about it

you endured being harassed or violated by a predator and told no one about it

you were constantly scared of what everyone else was thinking and saying about you

you were ashamed of things you did and said and worried endlessly that somehow you caused something bad to happen

you felt as if your worst fear would always, always come true

[jinxvents]

“All this hell you have lived and seen

Drown it all in gasoline

Then light a match, pull the pin

You are not who you've been

The past is just lessons learned

Light it up and let it burn”

- “Let It Burn” by Citizen Soldier

#picsart #vent #trauma #actually traumatized #traumacore #ventcore #trauma edit #cw trauma #tw trauma #childhood trauma #set it all on fire #let it burn #childhood home

[jinxvents]

Physical neglect

I couldn’t count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn’t count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there’s clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn’t count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu’s, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return ‘favour’

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven’t felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn’t matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn’t feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn’t notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn’t there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signalled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was failling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all

Was I neglected as a child? Checklist

Bold if you experienced it, italicize if you’re not sure. If you read a line and it rings true for you, but you think ‘that’s my fault because I never said anything’, bold that line! This is about your experience, not blame assignment. (tw for painful content ahead)

Physical neglect

I couldn’t count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn’t count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there’s clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn’t count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu’s, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return ‘favour’

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven’t felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn’t matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn’t feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn’t notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn’t there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signalled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was failling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all

If you have bolded more than 4 of these, you have experienced neglect, and you were forced to struggle alone thru experiences that you were not meant to handle or survive on your own. Neglect is the type of abuse that will have the most disastrous consequences on your trust in people, your relationships, self worth, feeling of community, and will ensure that everything you were put thru is unexpressed, unresolved, and weighing down on your life. You did not deserve to be neglected like this, and none of the above is the result of your behaviour. You were not supposed to be put thru any of this alone, much less as a child.

[jinxvents]

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone except my mother 💖

[jinxvents]

i want to go home

[jinxvents]

#trauma #vent #trigger warning #actually traumatized #content warning #traumacore #ventcore #picsart #trauma edit #cw trauma #tw trauma #aesthetic #toxic relationship #emotional abuse #tw vent #cw teeth

[jinxvents]

Step away from my cage

I am a wild animal wounded and full of rage

They say I’m aggressive

That I should be put down

You caress my face so gently

With your blood fresh in my mouth

I bare my teeth

I bite the hands that feed

And I’ll whine and lick the wounds after making you bleed

I am as rabid as a dog

Yet as fragile as a fawn

I don’t want to hurt you

It’s just how I was raised

A loyal dog that was scolded instead of praised

#wip #lyric concept #jinxwrites #writing 2023 #rabid dog #trigger warning #am i a bad person #jinxkittycat #writing #work in progress #aftermath #I don’t know what to call this one #jinxvents #vent #content warning #actually traumatized #trauma #undiagnosed mental illness

[jinxvents]

Not doing too great again..

#vent #actually traumatized #anxiety #undiagnosed mental illness #seasonal depression

[jinxvents]

I fell down and scraped my knees.

You came running down the hill after me.

You patched me up with a bandage.

Your eyes seemed so kind back then.

What ever happened to the gentleness in your voice?

What ever happened to the compassion you had?

Did I do something wrong?

Was I a bad kid?

Am I being punished?

‘Cause as soon as I was eighteen,

The scrapes on my knees didn’t matter.

And I should have never gone through the things you put me through.

You were never there for me when I needed you.

I shouldn’t have to be brave , I should have been safe.

So don’t look at me and say be strong

When you were supposed to be my mom.

Every conversation with you ends in a panic attack.

I started dissociating to protect myself.

I bite my tongue as you scold and attack.

And you don’t like my boyfriend, but he’s everything you wouldn’t be.

Have I done something wrong?

Am I a bad kid?

Am I still being punished?

‘Cause as soon as I was eighteen,

The cuts on my ankles didn’t matter.

And I’m still processing all the things you put me through.

You’re still never here when I need you.

I shouldn’t have to be brave, I need to be safe.

So don’t look at me and tell me to be strong

When you were supposed to be my mom.

I won’t forgive you if you won’t meet me halfway.

Don’t tell me to get over it when I’m clearly not okay.

Some part of me hoped that you could change,

And I wouldn’t feel so alone.

I haven’t done anything wrong.

I wasn’t a bad kid,

Yet I’m being punished.

As soon as I was eighteen,

The scrapes on my knees didn’t matter.

And I never should have gone through all the things you put me through.

I’ll accept you’ll never be here when I need you.

I shouldn’t have to be brave when I should have been safe.

So don’t look at me and tell me to be strong when you were supposed to be my mom.

#vent #trauma #actually traumatized #tw trauma #anxiety #undiagnosed mental illness #childhood trauma #mommy issues #cw trauma #jinxvents #jinxywrites #toxic parent #you were supposed to be my mom

[jinxvents]

“what happened to you made you stronger” 

i was a child. i didn’t need to be strong i needed to be safe

[jinxvents]

I learned recently, while researching gaslighting, that there is a second type called ‘Emotional gaslighting’. This is when your abusers deny the reality of your feelings. ‘You’re too sensitive’, 'It wasn’t that bad’, 'You’re just faking it for attention’, 'Stop acting like you’re hurt’ 'Come on, it didn’t hurt you’ 'You’re overreacting!’ 'You’re fine, stop exaggerating’, these phrases deny your own feelings to you. They communicate to you that not only the abuser doesn’t believe you’re experiencing pain, they’re demanding you to pretend that you aren’t. They’re asking you to deny your reality and to pretend it’s not real.

This will make you feel like you’re not allowed to feel your own emotions, and you’ll end up questioning if any of your emotion is real or are you faking it? Are you justified in feeling what you do? Are your feelings of pain and terror really just an exaggeration that doesn’t have a basis in reality? Are you making up your own suffering? Is all this pain in your head only?

This, again, will cause you to feel like you’re going insane, and doubt your every reaction to any event, you’ll try to see if thru someone else’s eyes you would be perceived as 'reasonable’ for having a reaction that you do, and it will drive you insane trying to figure out what are the 'correct’ responses while all you feel is shame, anxiety, pain and desperation.

This illusion falls apart when you realize that all 'correct’ responses are only those convenient to your abuser, and that somehow, your every positive and obedient reaction to them is 'correct’, while justified upset and pain at their abuse is 'wrong and forbidden’. So somehow you’ve been reacting to everything right, except the abuse. Somehow, your every thought and feeling needs to be convenient to them or it’s wrong. That’s how you know it’s only a self-serving game they’re playing, and all your emotions were correct all along, as there’s no way for you to 'feel’ wrong. All your pain is still their fault, and not your fault for 'feeling it’, and things are exactly as bad as you feel them. Your feelings are a reflection of reality that is happening to you, if there was no cause of you feeling upset and pained, you would not be feeling it.  

[jinxvents]

"those headphones are gonna make you go deaf"

people with misophonia/sensory issues:

[jinxvents]

really feelin the misophonia today :/

[jinxvents]

I got fucking Covid and I don’t know where it came from, and I can’t afford to not work, so I still gotta try and get some hours in. I hadn’t gotten it this entire time even after getting exposed to it at least three times. I’m so pissed.

#vent #covid tw #trigger warning #tw illness #tw swearing

[jinxvents]

Click here for big version

[jinxvents]

My cat is currently in the hospital again. I’ve been a wreck and I really need to talk to my therapist, but I can’t afford it.

#vent #animal sickness tw #stress #mental health #cat

[jinxvents]

We had a veterinarian emergency on Monday. My cat started to stumble and roll over every time she tried to walk. She was swaying when she was sitting up and just acting kind of disoriented. My boyfriend and I could barely sleep that night because we were so worried about her. The vet office wasn’t open until seven, so it was a waiting game until then. Vet ran some tests and a X-ray, but didn’t find anything besides a minor elevation in one of her kidneys. He said she seemed to have a disruption in her vestibular system, which is what helps her balance, and the causes of that can range from an ear infection to a tumor. We couldn’t find any tumors or growths anywhere on her. We’re wondering if she might have had a stroke at some point, but we’re not sure. I barely slept the night she came home because my boyfriend was having a nervous breakdown about everything. The sleep deprivation caused me to get really sick yesterday. I puked pepto bismol on my way to work, but I still went because I’m nearly broke after that surprise $360 vet bill. The whole day, I had a major headache and felt like passing out. I had to keep sitting down whenever I felt too lightheaded. I had napped in my car 30 minutes before work, but I still hadn’t gotten enough rest. I also couldn’t eat anything in fear of puking again and being sent home, so I didn’t eat until 8 AM when my shift started at 4 AM. I took a break while my breads were in the oven around 5 AM, and I ended falling asleep on one of the tables of the Starbucks department. I didn’t even hear my timer going off until 6 minutes after my break was over. As for my cat, she’s been slowly getting better. She sat up yesterday and was walking sort of sideways this morning. I shared a post on Facebook about her, and my mom messaged me to tell me that I should put her down. I couldn’t believe how insensitive that was. Yes, my cat is older and is probably going to need a lot more care, but she’s still fighting. The veterinarian just told me to provide her supportive care and make sure she’s getting what she needs. No one even thought of putting her down because she was still kicking. If she has a chance, I’m going to fight for it. This cat has been with me through my darkest days since I was eight years old. I really need therapy, but I couldn’t afford it Tuesday. I was $8 short and after that I would have been broke. I need to get a cheaper therapist if I want to get on medication for my anxiety, which I should because my physical symptoms have gotten worse. It’s just been so stressful, and I hope everything will go back to normal soon.

#vent #anxiety #mommy issues #undiagnosed mental illness #cat #emergency #stress #sickness #animal sickness tw #financial trouble