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sarahsmi13s · 1 year

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Coach Grant in Action -- HC

(found on pinterest)

pairing: jake ‘hangman’ seresin x sarah grant (fem!oc)

characters: jake seresin, fem!oc (sarah), the dagger squad, the bradshaws, penny, amelia, high school basketball team

word count: ~ 2.3k (o.O)

warnings: minimal language, sports talk, brief mentions of pregnancy, injuries and blood (split eyebrow), i think that’s it but please let me know if i missed any

a/n: this is a hc about the dagger squad and more go to basketball homecoming to celebrate amelia being eighth grade maid and to witness sarah’s coaching style

this is the next part in this oc series, which is inspired by @roosterscockpit ‘s ( @milesdickpic ) story ‘His Little Girl’ and yes the oc is based on me (but is mainly fantasy me lol)

also, i’m sure you guys know about the generally termanology and the jist of basketball but i listen to this really cool podcast called: GO! My Favorite Sports Team and they did an episode on basketball so if you want to learn more you can listen here

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About two weeks after the cookout/pregnancy announcement, basketball homecoming was happening.

Sarah and Jake were sitting at the table in the kitchen; Sarah grading tests and Jake going over paperwork.

“Did I ever tell you that Amelia got eighth grade maid for basketball homecoming?” Sarah asked casually as she circled the grade of the test in front of her.

Jake looked up, “No, actually you failed to mention that. Isn’t homecoming Friday?” She nodded, “Sure is.”

“Wait, is that why Penny was making a whole bunch of calls last week?”

Sarah nodded, “Yeah, she was scheduling Amelia’s appointments for this week.”

“Okay, I guess that means the squad is coming to the game on Friday.”

And that they did.

When Friday rolled around everyone wore ‘Team Amelia’ shirts, because they all love their honorary little sister.

After the ceremony, the boys team played first and then it was the squads turn to see Sarah in action.

When she stood up to go down to the court, Jake stood with her and made sure she didn’t fall in the crowded stands as she made her way to the stairs.

“Good luck, Sugar,” he kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Sweetheart.”

She went down the stairs and to the locker room.

Amelia leaned toward the group of pilots, “You guys are gonna love this.” “Can you give us a hint?” Fanboy asked, clasping his hand together and batting his lashes. Amelia shook her head, “No can do Mickey-boy.”

Maverick gripped Jake’s shoulders, “You’ve been to her games before, what’s in store for us?” Jake shrugged, “Just her normal coaching stuff, I guess. She’s very passionate; so if she gets a warning from the ref, don’t worry it won’t phase her.”

Soon the game was in motion and the squad was really into it. They were cheering and hollering, booing when the ref’s made a bad call.

“Come on blue! Really?” Jake shouted at one point.

Sarah turned, raising a brow at him, “Watch it.” Jake slouched back, “Yes ma’am.”

The Dagger Squad laughed.

Alyssa patted Jake’s shoulder, “That girl has you whipped, Hangman.” “She doesn’t want me to get thrown out, again.”

Phoenix snorted, glancing at him briefly before turning back to watching the game, “‘Again’, Bagman, what did you do?” Jake rubbed the back of his neck, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Sarah crossed her arms over her chest, “Move without the ball ladies! Come on! Get open!”

One of the girls was open and took the shot, resetting the ‘shot clock’.

“Rebound!” “Block out!” “Get the ball!” Were all shouted from both the stands and the bench.

One of the girls from the other team got the ball and broke down the court.

One of Sarah’s girls ran down after, catching up to knock the basketball away and letting her momentum carry her out of bounds.

The ref blew his whistle, “Out on white, green’s ball.”

But Sarah noticed something.

Lauren, the girl that had knocked the ball out of bounds, was squatting, holding her head in her hands.

“Time out! Time out!” She called, waving her hands as she walked over to Lauren. “Half or full Coach?”

Sarah didn’t speak, just held her arms out parallel to the ground. Her assistant turned to the official, “Full, blue.”

Jake stood up, looking down at the floor to see what happened.

He watched Sarah squat down and talk to Lauren.

“Hey, Ren, what’s wrong?” She noticed Lauren’s nose crinkle before she shook her head.

Sarah looked her over as best she could and noticed the blood on the side of her player's face.

Jake watched her turn, speaking to the team manager that was giving water to the others. He recognized the worried look in her eyes and made his way to the floor.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Sarah looked up at him, “Will you go get some ice?” Jake didn’t question it and went right to the concession stand.

The squad shared a look as they watched Hangman run out the double doors.

Leia tapped Rooster on the hand, “Daddy, what’s going on?” “I don’t know, Princess.” “Is someone hurt?” Rooster nodded, “It’s possible, honey.” She frowned a little bit and looked back out toward the court. “If they are, they’ll be okay. Sarah’s with them.”

Sarah got the towel from the manager, “Thank you Jamie.” She gently set her hand on Lauren’s wrist, “Lauren, I need to look at your head.”

The girl finally looked up, showing her coach the split in her brow. “Oh my- Ren what happened?” “When number 40 came down with the ball, she hit me with her elbow. I don’t think it was on purpose though.”

Sarah sighed and pressed the towel to the girl’s forehead, “You’re done for the half.” “Coach, I’m-” “I’m not gonna fight with you about this Lauren.”

Sarah glanced up at the clock, “There’s only about two minutes anyway. You may feel fine, but the team doc is gonna look you over and see if glue will do the trick. But for right now, you’re done.”

Lauren sighed but complied and let Sarah lead her to the locker room, Jake catching up and giving them the ice.

‘What happened?’ He mouthed. ‘Elbow to the face,’ she mouthed back, taking the ice with a thank you.

Sarah stayed with Lauren during the rest of the first half.

But when the team came out to warm up after half-time, Jake noticed she was relaxed - not as worried as she was before.

He made his way down the steps, taking two at a time to get down to her.

“Lauren gonna be okay?” He asked once he got to her. She nodded, “Yeah, but she had to change her number ‘cause she can’t go in with blood on her jersey.” Jake nodded, “That’s good.”

Coyote walked by, “Hey, you two need anything?” “Strawberry-” “Blue Raspberry-” “Sour Punch Straws,” the couple said in unison.

Coyote blinked for a second, chuckling and pointing at Hangman, “Okay, J, you want strawberry?” Jake nodded. He pointed at Sarah, “And mama wants Blue Raspberry?” “And water? If it isn’t too much to ask?” Javy shook his head, “Not too much at all. I’ll be back.”

Sarah remembered something as he walked away, “Oh! ‘Yote!” Coyote turned around, “Yup?” “If you just say it’s for Coach Grant, it’ll be free!” “Does that work for everyone else’s stuff?” “It’s Whitely so yeah, as long as it’s not a whole lot.” Javy threw her a thumbs up and left.

Jake hummed, grinning like an idiot, “I love that you can get free food.” “Is that the only reason you love my job?” “No, I get free passes too.” “You’re military, Jake. You get that anyway.” “Okay, then I guess it’s just the free food.” Sarah rolled her eyes, “You’re ridiculous.”

Coyote reappeared with his arms loaded with snacks and drinks.

“Here you go mama, Blue Raspberry and water.” “Thank you, Cy.”

Sarah immediately opened her candy, doing a little dance as she ate the sour food.

“You want a strawberry one before you go?” Jake offered, shaking the straw a little.

She nodded and held her hand out, “Yes please.” Jake smiled and placed the candy in her hand. “Thank you, Love.”

Then the buzzer sounded and Sarah was back in coach mode, “Take the rest of these and keep them safe. I want them when this is all over.” Jake nodded, “Yes ma’am.”

Sarah got right to work and the squad got back into the game.

“She’s a really good coach, she’s a natural at this,” Phoenix commented, tossing a Sour Skittle into her mouth.

The squad nodded in agreement.

“Hey, what happened earlier? When Sarah called time-out,” Bob asked. Jake turned a little to face him. “She didn’t give me the details, but what I think happened is that when the girl got the rebound, her elbow came down and hit Lauren in the face. Split her eyebrow open, but she’s good to go now.”

They nodded again and turned back to the game.

Around the beginning of the fourth quarter, the other team started to put pressure on Sarah’s team.

“HANGMAN ONE! HANGMAN ONE!”

Jake sat up straight at the sound of his fiancé's voice shouting his call sign.

But when he looked at her, she was focused on her press-offense getting set up.

“I told you it was gonna be interesting,” Amelia said, a mischievous grin on her face.

Four of the five lined up, shoulder-to-shoulder, on the freethrow line.

The ref gave the ball to the girl standing out of bound and blew their whistle and started the five second count.

The four girls in play moved to get open, until at about 2 seconds, one girl broke off and ran down the court alone.

She was wide open and the ball was thrown down-court to her. She caught the pass and made a layup.

The squad was dying of laughter at Jake’s face, which was one of confusion and slight betrayal. “Did-” Rooster laughed, “Did she- did she name a play after you? That’s fantastic! Oh my gosh, the look on your face!”

Jake gave Bradley an unamused look.

“She even designed it on how you fly, that’s impressive,” Cyclone said, snatching popcorn from Maverick. “Hey!”

Jake rolled his eyes and continued to watch the game.

Toward the end, Sarah’s team had an eight point lead.

The girls were on offense and had about 40 seconds to go in the game and 35 seconds on the shot-clock.

Any other time they would attack the basket, but would kick the ball out and start over outside the 3-point line.

But Sarah had something else in mind.

“ROOSTER! ROOSTER! ROOSTER!”

Bradley nearly dropped his phone and looked up, sitting straight in his seat.

On the floor, the girls calmed down and just passed the ball around.

“Well, would you look at the Bradshaw, she named one after you too,” Alyssa teased, nudging Bradley’s shoulder.

With 10 seconds left on the shot-clock, the girls started looking for an open shot.

It got to a girl in the corner and she took the shoot, making the basket.

Jake hummed, “Yeah, and she even designed it after the way you fly.” He got really close to Rooster’s face. Bradley shoved him away, “Oh, shut up.”

After a talk in the locker room, Sarah went to her office and saw Jake in her chair.

She walked over and he stood up. “My feet hurt,” she said, her forehead hitting the middle of his chest.

“Well let’s sit you down,” he kissed the top of her head and held her hands as she sat down.

“The squad is waiting at the Hard Deck for when we’re done if you want to go. I know you’re probably tired and ready to go home.” He handed her the Sour Punch Straws she didn’t get to finish earlier.

Sarah put a straw in her mouth and covered it with her hand as she spoke, “We can swing by and say hi. Penny told me they were gonna do somethin’ for Amelia, I told her we’d try.”

Jake nodded, “Okay, yeah, we can swing by.”

She held up a straw, “You want some?” He shrugged, “Sure.”

Sarah put one end of the straw in her mouth and winked. Jake rolled his eyes and sat down in the extra chair by her desk.

She held his end up and he took it between his teeth.

They ate the straw from both ends until their lips met. Jake held the side of her neck, deepening the kiss for a moment.

They pulled away giggling and licking the malic acid of their lips. “We need to do that more often.”

They sat in her office for about 15 more minutes before they checked everything and locked up.

Jake held Sarah’s hand as they went to the Hard Deck.

When the couple walked in the Dagger Squad greeted them immediately.

Penny had closed the Hard Deck that day to help Amelia get to her appointments. So it would just be the squad.

“Hey, that was one hell of a game Sarah,” Payback said, pulling her into a side hug. “Thank you. Those girls really put in a lot of effort. They work hard.”

Pete rubbed her arm, “It’s because they have someone that they know believes in them and that they want to work hard for.”

“Yeah, when I played football in high school, my coach was dick,” Cyclone said. “I didn’t want to work hard for him because he wouldn’t have appreciated it. So, having a team that works hard for you says a lot about what kind of coach you are.”

Sarah smiled at him, “Thank you, Beau. I appreciate that.”

They stayed and chatted for about an hour before Sarah was practically falling asleep on Jake’s shoulder.

He sat in water down and kissed the top of her head, “Hey, you gettin’ tired?” She lifted her head, “Hmm? No, I’m alright.”

But Jake could tell by the accent coming through that she was sleepy. “Come on, let’s go,” he stood up and grabbed her hands to pull her up. “No, Jake, you’re havin’ fun. We can stay until you’re ready.”

He sighed, “Sweetheart, you’re tired. You’ve been up all day and you’ve been on your feet all day, you need to go to bed.”

Tears filled her eyes and Jake frowned. She was a lot sleepier than he realized.

“Oh, Sugar, come on. Let’s go. I’ve had my fill of fun for the day. I wanna go home and cuddle my babies.” He spread his palm of her baby bump and kissed her forehead.

He grabbed her hands. “Are you sure, J?” “I’m sure.”

He pulled her to her feet and they bid their goodbyes before going home and straight to bed.

***********

i hope you enjoyed this filler head cannon!

the squad finally got to see sarah in action and even got a few laughs out of it XD

next up is a valentine’s day fic which i’m VERY excited to get started on

thank you for being here!

I do have a pinterest board set up for this, just to help me get into the vibe (one is to help with future parts, one is only for the current parts)

if you want to check it out and get more of a feel for the dynamic going on---- you can click right ---> here

like mentioned in the last one, feedback is greatly appreciated!

and my asks are open, feel free to request what you would like to see next while i’m working on the next part!

tags <3: @milesdickpic @luckyladycreator2 @hotch-meeeeeuppppp

thank you my lovelies <33

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adickaboutspoons · 1 year

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tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

you're the sweetest, @givefangapuppy !

Three Ships of All Time:

Ed/Stede: I mean, no question. They haunt my every hour. I love their love with all my might, mind, and soul. Because of them I'm writing for the first time in decades. Overly verbose meta! Fic of dubious quality! I'm all in, baby!

Clark Kent/Lex Luthor (Smallville): I can't not. I still think of these boys on the regular. True story - I turned in some CLex fanfic I had written with the names swapped for aliases for my final project for my senior creative writing seminar in English, because my prof was the kind of jackass who had "poet" listed as his specialty on his office door but couldn't recognize haikus when I submitted them earlier in the class, and I was damned if I was going to waste my time on something new for him instead of focusing on my senior thesis in psychology. I got As on both ;). Also, my wife and I met by writing CLex fan fic together. We will have been 20 years in March.

Juno Steel/Peter Nureyev (Penumbra Podcast): Hardboiled enby space detective with crippling insecurities that they mask with hypercompetency and witty quips? and their complicated homme-fatale master thief sometimes-lover? This show seriously ticks all my boxes.

First Ever Ship:

The Baroness/Destruo (G.I. Joe): I'd say this was a tie with my Lady J/Duke/Flint/Scarlett love-quadrangle, but I honestly don't remember whether that was in the text of the show, or just the shows I'd stage for myself with my brother's action figures. What can I say? I started shipping young. My 3rd grade teacher commented on one of my writing assignments that I should write soap operas when I grew up.

Last Song:

Burning by Alcazar. Sometimes a girl just wants to dance alone in her living room.

Last Film:

Free Guy. Guilty pleasure. Comfort movie.

Currently Reading:

Aunts Aren't Gentlemen by P.G. Wodehouse. Guilty pleasure. Comfort author. Wodehouse is my brain candy, my absolute fav. author (yes, I know I said 'House of Leaves' by Danielewski is my fav. book. I'm complicated), and I rarely go more than a few months without a re-read. This isn't one of my all-time faves, but it's delightful nonetheless and it's been awhile since I read it last. Bertie retires to the peace of a simple country living at the urgings of his doctor after coming down with a minor rash, but still manages to get himself tangled up in crime due to the machinations of his Aunt Dahlia and accidentally engaged to a local stunner against his will. Jeeves/Wooster would have made it into my OTP list above except Jeeves would never permit himself the liberty. :(

(Except, hear me out - "Jeeves and the Tie that Binds" was the American release of "Much Obliged, Jeeves", and is identical except for the ending, in which Jeeves reveals that he destroyed the pages enumerating Bertie's peccadillos from the Junior Ganymede club book - FOR WHICH HE COULD BE BLACKBALLED FROM THE CLUB -, because he doesn't want anyone but him to ever be Bertie's gentleman's personal gentleman but him, because there is a "tie that binds" them. I mean to say, really!)

Currently Watching:

The Miraculous Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir. Look. I have a 10-year-old. He loved ladybugs as a toddler so we started watching the show together when he was wee based on the title alone. But it's actually SO GOOD. And the new season recently dropped on Disney +. I get to talk to my kid about how it's a metaphor for how bad actors in the world exploit feelings of fear and isolation to radicalize otherwise normal people to their destructive agendas? And how there's real heroics to be found in community organization and creative problem solving? And about issues of consent, both romantic and platonic?

But also I have OPINIONS and SHIPS, and I'm DYING to talk to someone who is NOT my child about how Nathalie just SLAMMED Gabriel face down on the kitchen counter and leaned over him to hiss in his ear about how he betrayed her and I am IN TO IT, but I will NOT go anywhere near the fandom because I don't need the drama of being in a kid-show fandom as a full-ass adult. Send help.

Currently Consuming:

Some cucumber/lemon-infused water.

Currently Craving:

I mean, other than another grown-ass person to indulge my not-kid-friendly thoughts about a superhero cartoon? Feeling pretty satiated, thanks!

Tagging:

If you're down for it, my v. dears - @nicnacsnonsense @tisziny @chocolatepot @the-orange-in-red-silk @wearfinethingsalltoowell @okayestokapi @asneakyfox @batsarebetterthanpeople @red-sky-in-mourning and anyone else who feels so inclined ;)

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the-pendragon-library · 2 years

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Radio Silence book review

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman is about Frances Janvier, a secondary school student whose entire life revolves around school. She is head girl, she is clever, she gets good grades, her life goal is to attend the University of Cambridge and study English Literature. This is the hand life has dealt her, and she has grown to accept it. She has divided herself into two parts: School Frances, and real Frances. Her school friends think of her as boring and book obsessed, and she does not have any friends who get to know who she truly is. Who she truly is, is a nerdy artist obsessed with an underground podcast called Universe City. When she is not studying, she is listening to old and new episodes of Universe City or drawing fanart that she posts to her Tumblr blog.

One night, at a club neither of them want to be at, she runs into Aled Last. Aled is the boy who lives across the street from her, the one she has never truly met but has always been there fading into the background. He is the twin brother of Carys Last, the girl who ran away from home and used to be Frances’ best friend. Aled drunkenly confesses that he is the Creator of Universe City. The stars seem to align as he and Frances become best friends and begin working on the show together, with Aled as the Creator and voice of the main character ‘Radio’, and Frances voicing his sidekick ‘Toulouse’, as well as making art for the show. But the struggles of adulthood catch up to them, and they must learn to navigate the building pressure of school as they both prepare to go off to university, questioning if it is something either of them actually wants. They must fight to find their way to stability as they lose touch with each other and their friends, as Aled’s mother is revealed to be more than her carefully built public persona, and finding Carys Last becomes more urgent than ever.

The struggles in this story are very realistically represented, whether it be coming of age drama, relationships, or teenage interaction, Oseman nails it. The pressure of education is a main focus, giving a voice to teenagers who feel as though their entire lives have to revolve around their grades and education, or else they are failures to society. Being a student myself, I know that many of my peers feel, or have felt at some point in their lives, that their self worth is inherently tied to their academic performance. This stress escalates to students being driven to sleep deprivation and severe burnout, sacrificing their social, emotional, and physical health to make sure their performance does not falter. It is a toxic system, one that is often overlooked because of education being seen as a privilege. Students are taught that they are not allowed to question it, or else they are disrespectful and entitled. In Radio Silence, Aled’s mother is an accurate portrayal of an abusive parent who does so in a way that is entirely unassuming to the outside world. Abuse can often be hidden under the guise of being dedicated to the education and success of a child, the way Oseman portrays that in this story helps draw attention to the very real and negative impact it has on teenagers.

Oseman also makes sure to include POC and queer representation in her stories in a realistic manner. It is refreshing to see these characters portrayed without their identities and social struggles being the main plot point of a story. Too often are minority characters used to make some radical statement about being an outcast, or to tell a Love, Simon-esque story about a ‘normal’ (white cisgender heterosexual appearing) kid who is secretly gay, in an attempt to make queer people and their identities palatable to cishet society. Three out of five of the main cast in Radio Silence are not white, a majority of them are not straight, and their identities are not treated as a radical exception, or some revolutionary social statement. Frances is mixed, and laments the fact that she is not more connected to the paternal side of her family and her Ethiopian heritage. Oseman does not make Frances a spectacle, but instead humanizes her and makes sure to highlight the importance of her POC identity to who she is as an individual.

This representation is important to see in Young Adult novels because it lets readers know that they are not alone in their identities and struggles, it gives them a safe place to feel seen and heard on a scale larger than themselves. I tend to be dubious of authors who write modern day YA fiction because it tends to feel strained, like they do not quite understand how ‘kids these days’ truly behave and interact with the world around them. References to popular media feel out of place, like a desperate grab for approval from the teenagers who they are marketed towards. Oseman’s content is clearly marketed towards teenagers, but the stories she tells are not out of touch. She writes from the perspective of someone who is familiar with that life, telling stories for her audience and narrating their lives and struggles back to them. Radio Silence has some of the most realistic representations of internet culture that I have ever read. It portrays the toxicity of online spaces and fandom culture, showing fans blatantly disrespecting privacy and boundaries when it comes to the content creators they like, mass amounts of hate and death threats sent unabashedly, because over the internet everything feels impersonal and people lose a sense of filtration. One of the made up Tumblr usernames Oseman uses as a throwaway in this book is ‘troylerphandoms23756’, which is exactly the kind of thing you would have seen on Tumblr in 2014, the year the story takes place. This is one of the many tiny details that make it clear to me that she is immersed in what she is talking about, and is familiar with the intricacies of teenage experience that many authors lack.

Oseman often has the same characters appear across multiple pieces of their work, weaving their stories together into the same universe. Aled is one of the two main characters in Radio Silence, as well as appearing in their ongoing Webtoon, Heartstopper. There are also references to other Heartstopper and Loveless characters in Radio Silence, and vice versa. Despite reusing characters and generally having the same tone and setting, their books never feel as though they have started going in circles, nor have they become stagnant. Each story is unique and interesting, and the same characters being present across their media creates a more detailed and immersive universe. Along with them being immersive, their books are very easy to read. Not to say that they are simple, but that Oseman has a way of storytelling that keeps you intrigued throughout the entire book, compelling you to keep turning to the next page. In Radio Silence, Frances narrates the story from the perspective of already having lived it, making cryptic comments that allude to a larger drama or plot point further on in the story. This makes you question why she feels the way she does, and what sort of epic drama is coming, the storytelling sinking hooks into your brain and dragging you along for the ride.

Something to be appreciated is how Alice Oseman actively decenters romance from her stories. There is a romantic subplot in Radio Silence, and it is written very well with realistic problems and communication. But it is also made very clear that the main characters are not romantically interested in each other and do not fall in love, as would be the traditional expectation of a story like this. A line from the chapter ‘Something Before We Continue’, that is also printed on the cover of the book, very clearly states, ‘You probably think that Aled Last and I are going to fall in love or something. Since he is a boy and I am a girl. I just wanted to say- We don’t.’ I enjoy reading romance in fiction, but it gets exhausting when every single story feels as though it must center romance, or have it as the idealized end goal. It sets a precedent for how people are expected to live their lives, and teaches that romantic relationships are somehow more enriching and important than other kinds. It is refreshing to see that expectation so firmly denied and flipped on its head, Oseman subverting it by showing that close friendships are just as important as romance.

Alice Oseman is only 27 years old as of writing this and has already published multiple well written books, as well as maintaining their Webtoon Heartstopper. The first chapter of Heartstopper was posted in 2016, and in 2022 it is being published as graphic novels, as well as being adapted into a Netflix series. I have read all that is currently posted of Heartstopper, their book Loveless, and now Radio Silence, and I have never been disappointed by their storytelling. Radio Silence evoked genuine emotion from me on multiple occasions, which is not praise I can give very often. It made me angry, it made me cry, and at the end when everything came together, it made me cheer out loud for joy. The conclusion was so satisfying after the emotional attachment it had cultivated. In summary, Alice Oseman continuously amazes me with their writing, especially when it comes to her characters and representation of realistic relationships and teenage struggles. I am excited to see where she goes from here as she will inevitably improve with more practice and experience.

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 4 years

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There is a light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, Stuck. Sorry, I don’t know your real name.

I wrote this long ass post to bring some light into the fandom and between the CSs, and I hope you can post it? I’m new in the Tumblr world, but not in the 5H fandom. I don’t quite know how it works yet and, for the moment, I only know your blog and those of @emisonme, @karlaswine, @sun-to-my-luna, @underthatimpression, and @mentesimploria because, in one way or another, you’re all connected to each other. I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate every single one of you, the passion you have, and the hope you keep alive among those who, like me, love the girls. Also, the patience you guys have, especially against the haters, is admirable. I love the fact that you keep going. Because this is your sacred place, as it should be.

This is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. I’m what can be defined as a ‘silent fan’. I never commented on anything in the girls’ posts, not even on the fan accounts I follow. I don’t have Twitter. I have Facebook but it’s like I don’t have it because I don’t use it. I have Wattpad (obviously). I recently registered here on Tumblr, and I have Instagram. That’s what I use. It’s the only app along with YouTube that I use daily to keep up with the rest of the world. Especially the American part of the world. I’m Italian, but I speak American English well, and I apologize in advance if my lazy ass hasn’t noticed possible grammatical errors. I saw that a lot of you are into this stuff, so I thought I’d add it just because. I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Virgo rising.

I’m gonna turn 29 on December 22, and this is a BIG fuck off to all the people who have attacked you lately for your age. This is personal information that I give freely to make ignorant and small-minded people understand that, in this context especially, age is irrelevant. As you, little fucker who hides behind a computer to attack people just to feel stronger, have a life, we have it too. Like you, we have a life, a job, friends, etc. We also have passions. Passions that yes, my dear haters, also include shipping people. I don’t know why in your stupid brain we’re too old to ship people we love and to give opinions about it. I didn’t know it was something reserved only for those who still smell like mommy’s milk. But anyway…

I became aware of 5H existence just before summer 2015 thanks to ‘Worth It’. Being Italian, however, I had no idea who they were, and to be honest, I didn’t go searching for them. Randomly one day then, I ran into Camren on YouTube. I can’t remember which video I was watching, but I know for sure it was about ‘Heya/Brittana’ (Heather Morris and Naya Rivera/Brittany and Santana, my very first hard LGBT ship). And among the suggested videos, there they are. As ridiculous as it sounds, and although I liked them as soon as I saw them, I didn’t go searching for them. I did it when ‘Work from Home’ came out though. From there, I connected that they were the same ‘Worth It’ group and the same two girls I liked from those YouTube videos. I had officially become a fan. I was screwed. Screwed because, I’d officially entered one of the most messed up and yet most beautiful fandoms ever.

As I initially said, this is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. But after the recent events, seeing how many people gave up, it made me a little angry and gave me the strength to speak for the first time. I thought the first time would’ve been through the fanfiction I’ve been working on for over two years, but no. Lauren and her beautiful mouth had to terrorize, disappoint, panic, and make angry 80% of CS, thus fueling the hatred of all the other fandom towards us. So I decided to speak now. Maybe, just maybe, this very long ass post of mine is gonna help struggling CS. Maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna make them reason and bring them to their senses.

So. This, as I think you’ve understood, is about Lauren and what she said in the podcast. This is a reminder of the Laucy situation. These are things we already know and that I want to remind you of because apparently, my lovely fellows CS, either you have a short-term memory, or Lauren has the power to create amnesia in people’s minds and I knew nothing about it. Surely this power of hers didn’t work on me and a few others.

Oh and, before starting: 1) You may disagree with me. It’s normal to have different opinions. 2) You can search for information such as dates, easily on the internet. 3) I’m gonna use nicknames on PRs for fun. That doesn’t mean I hate them. I have my reasons for dislike each one of them as people, but I can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that they were or are the Camren beards. An example to make you understand what I mean is Ty. I’m a huge Ari fan and I’ve been listening to ‘safety net’ non-stop for two days straight. I really dislike Ty as a person, but I separate the art from the artist.

Okay, that said, I can start.

Lauren said: “I knew I was queer because I fell in love with my best friend when I was like 15.” – “Her and I started to have a physical connection when I was 15.”

Lauren and Lucid Vivisectionist met when L moved to Carrollton in 7th grade. Lucille moved back to Puerto Rico in February 2012, returning to visit Miami occasionally (this explains the fetus pictures with Lucy and Camren at L’s house). In February 2012, Lauren was 15, Camila 14, and Lucy 16. And who did Lauren meet when she was 15? Oh yeah, Camila. C and L did the first phase of the audition, the ‘cattle call’, on May 1, 2012 in Greensboro, North Carolina. Audition where Camila took courage to speak at the (“Oh my God that girl is) literally so beautiful” girl from which she felt intimidated by starting that adorable brief conversation “Hi, I like your shirt”, “Thanks. I like your jacket” just before it was her turn to get in for her audition. In May 2012, Lauren and Camila were both 15 years old. Lauren and Camila saw each other again for the first time on July 25th, two months later, in Miami on the first day of boot camp, and it was Lauren herself who went to Camila: “You’re the Cuban girl!”. In July 2012, Lauren was 16 and Camila was 15.

Lauren said: “She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere, and she called me.” Let me explain to you why I think this is true.

Lauren and Luxy reconnected with each other after Lucy’s car accident that took place on May 15, 2015. Lauren was really 18 in May 2015, and we can rule out The Reflection Tour dates because it started on February 27, 2015, and ended April 6, 2015. We can also rule out these other show dates that 5H did: April 11 in Jackson Township, New Jersey - April 13 at Live! with Kelly and Michael in New York - April 19 Lauren was at Coachella with Keana, Britt, and other friends - April 22 at the Worldwide Radio Summit in Hollywood - April 25 at Radio Disney Music Awards 2015 in Los Angeles - May 8 at Channel 93.3 Summer Kickoff 2015 in Chula Vista, San Diego - May 9 at Wango Tango 2015 in Carson, Los Angeles (May 9, rumors about Camila and Louis Tomlinson just because paparazzi believed they were together when Louis was actually together with Liam outside the Project Club L.A., and C who was at the club next door) - May 15 at KDWB Radio Show in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The rest of their program and possible date: May 16 at Kiss Concert 2015 in Mansfield, Massachusetts - May 19 at Dancing with the Stars in Los Angeles - May 30 at G-A-Y in London (rumors about Lauren and Louis Tomlinson this time, born because 5H went to Libertine nightclub with Louis and Niall) - May 31 at Britain’s Got More Talent in London - June 2 at Capital FM in Birmingham, England - June 5 at Good Morning Britain in London - June 6 at Capital FM Summertime Ball 2015 in London - June 12 at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii - June 14 at LA Pride 2015 - June 18 at Jimmy Kimmel Live in Los Angeles - June 20 at B96 Pepsi Summer Bash 2015 in Bridgeview, Illinois - June 23 at San Diego County Fair 2015 - 28 June at Show Of The Summer 2015 in Hershey, Pennsylvania - July 10 at Rockefeller Plaza in New York. July 15, 2015, beginning of Reflection: The Summer Tour.

June 27, 2015 Lauren turned 19, and do you guys remember the events of those days? Because I do.

On June 24, 2015, Lauren celebrated her birthday in advance at the famous sushi restaurant ‘Katsuya’. Among the guests were the girls, her mom Clara, some friends, including Jill (the same Jill/Jillian Gutowitz who worked with Zack Sang and who 5H met on April 22, 2015, at the Worldwide Radio Summit, which lasted for three days but they were present for two: 22 and 23. The same Jill who wrote the article for AfterEllen on January 25, 2016, about her experiences with women who denied their sexuality. Remember the story of Lauren Jordan, right?), and Noah Benardout (may he rest in peace). Still no Lucia, not even on the days when Lauren returned to Miami to celebrate with her family before resuming the program from the 28. As I already said, The Reflection Summer Tour began on July 15, 2015, and Lucy’s first public reappearance took place on one of the tour dates, that is, July 27 at Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

From that moment on, we saw Lucille appear on multiple occasions in hops through time. After the July 27th date, we saw her during the trip to Hawaii with Lauren and Keana in September, followed by the concert that the girls had on October 10 in the Bahamas, where they stayed with their families and friends for a few days. After the Bahamas, the mess happened between 5H because they found out about Camila’s departure from the group which initially should’ve been immediate, but for which they fought and gained another year. That, was also the time when Laucy signed their PR contract. As we know from Lauren herself, that was the worst and darkest time for her. That was the beginning of her numbness.

On October 23, they were on their way to Italy and Lauren wrote on her dark diary, the one shown to us in Episode 8 of her Attunements. On October 24, they arrived in Milan for the MTV Europe Music Awards 2015 occurred on October 25, and on October 28, in Madrid instead, there was the interview with Alyson Eckmann, the journalist Camila flirted with while Lauren was sitting right next to her.

Going forward, in November we have:

- Rumors about Lauren and Julius Dein (his friend who is a YouTube magician).

-The release of IKWYDLS including the rumors about Camila and Shawn and Michael Clifford (who was already in the picture) who were ‘vying for her’.

- Beginning of Lauren’s coming out plan which included: 1) The release of The Vamps’ album on November 23rd, that is, a week after the release of IKWYDLS, and which included the track ‘I Found A Girl’. Joe O'Neill, the manager of The Vamps, liked that famous tweet. Despite the efforts to make us believe that Bleahren (sorry for the Italian pun I made here, but ‘bleah’ in Italian is equivalent to the ‘eww’ to indicate something gross, and therefore Bleah-Ren) Brauren was real and that the girl involved was Lucille and not Camila, they’ve miscalculated since Lauren and Brad ‘dated’ in 2014 when Lucy had not yet returned into Lauren’s life. But since the album and consequently the song came out on November 23, 2015, they tried to manipulate people’s minds as usual. 2) Jill’s article that served to connect and more or less ‘confirm’ the story between this Jordan and her childhood friend, Lauren-Lucy.

- December: completion of the 7/27 album + Dina LaPolt’s entry + renegotiation of the contracts (mostly DNA’s contracts) + FIFTH HARMONY MUSIC, INC. created by LAND on December 21 to prepare for the transfer of the 5H trademark, the FIFTH HARMONY PARTNERSHIP, of which they became owners from April 27, 2016 + change of management from Faculty Management: Jared Paul and Janelle Lopez, to Maverick Management: Larry Rudolph, Dan Dymtrow, and Tara Beikae. [All things that were possible ONLY THANKS to the exit of C from the group]

- January 2016, we have Lauren and Lucrezia who came back from Colombia to then taking a road trip for Lucy’s birthday week.

- Jill’s article came out and coincidentally, by pure chance, exactly two days later, on January 27, 2016, Camila and Dinah were hacked.

- On March 9, 2016, Lauren, Normani, Andrea, Dinah, and Keana went to pierce their ears, or rather, Laurmainah pierced their ears, mama Dre and Keana just accompanied them. During her turn, Lauren asked Keana to take her phone to make a video. In the meantime, Mani was filming Lauren, and again by pure chance, Keana, who was in the heart of the frame, took Lauren’s phone as she’d asked, and both the lock screen and the home screen portrayed a picture of Lucania during a photoshoot. Same picture Lucy herself posted on Instagram on April 10th to leave no doubt.

- April 24, 2016, Coachella together.

- Luciana went with 5H in London, in May, during the promotion of the 7/27 album. (+ Camren video of May 28, 2016)

- She was present during the start of the tour in South America on June 26th (in the evening during the concert, L danced Big Bad Wolf for her, but that’s not the famous video, that was on September 5) and 27th to celebrate L’s birthday together (picture of the 27th of them in Buenos Aires).

- June 27, 2016, on L’s birthday, Jill posted a picture with L from the birthday dinner of the year before, further confirming the story of ‘Jordan’.

- August 1, the national girlfriend day, L posted a picture of her and Lucy.

- From August 12 to 21, Lucy was with them. The night after the concert on the 13th in Rochester Hills, Michigan, videos in which Lucilla appeared during Lauren Fuller’s birthday celebration at the hotel for dinner. On the 14th in Noblesville, Indiana, during Gonna Get Better and Big Bad Wolf Lauren smiled in Lucy’s direction who was in the audience. On the 18th in Virginia Beach, Virginia, a fan met Laucy in a movie theater restroom, taking a selfie with Lauren (C posted a picture of her in the dark with the words of Bad Things “don’t think that I can explain it” the same night).

- On September 4 and 5 Lucippe returned. On the 5th in Houston, Texas, the famous ‘super HD’ video took place in which Lauren danced Big Bad Wolf for Lucy, even pointing to her during her verse. [On September 6, Midland, Texas, during the Q&A, Lauren wore the same dress that Lucy was wearing to the concert the night before, and at the same time, she sat next to C and got jealous when C complimented a fan by sending her flying kisses. Ahh… The irony]

Now. Let’s move on to the part of the podcast where Lauren explains about the kiss with Lucza at her uncle and aunt’s wedding, how her aunt “super innocently” posted the pictures on Facebook that her “unreal invasive fans” found and posted, how Perez Hilton outed her to the world by posting an article with those pictures, how she did nothing for a week, and that after thinking “Ok, it happened. People know. What am I gonna do?”, she wrote that letter against Trump as her own way of coming out.

On November 4, 2016, Lauren and Lucynda did the ‘famous’ photoshoot in New Orleans called ‘Bare With Me’. Lauren flew to NOLA right after Halloween, got back to Miami to vote, then returned to New Orleans on the 10th along with her family for the wedding. Lucianna was also with her on the 10th for the rehearsal/bowling with all of Lauren’s relatives. Meanwhile Orange Trumpeter was elected on the 8th, and many celebrities were preparing to write a letter through Billboard against him and his supporters. Labels and management saw it as a perfect opportunity to get her to come out also considering how much Lauren has always been vocal on the subject, and THEY contacted Billboard to get her to participate in exchange of the exclusive of her coming out. All that was missing was the evidence to make sure that there had been no connection with Camila, and that was the reason for the kiss at the wedding on the 11th.

On November 13, the wedding photographer posted those pictures on his website, including the one of the kiss. And I’m sorry, Lolo, I love you but, really? Who are you kidding? The pictures didn’t start spreading because her ‘unreal invasive fans’ found them on her aunt’s Facebook page where she’d posted them ‘super innocently’. The pictures started spreading after the photographer posted them! And you know what’s even more funny? That to see those pictures on the website, you needed an access password. So what are you saying here, Lo? That your ‘unreal invasive fans’ were so good, to even have hacked their way into the website for pictures they didn’t even know existed? It wasn’t your team, was it? Oh, okay. My bad.

Sarcasm aside. The pictures started to spread, Perez tweeted about it on the 14th, and in the meantime Lauren had time to write the letter that was approved by the labels and sent to Billboard (on the 14th), who approved it a couple of days after it was sent (on the 16th), and which they then published it in the article two days later (on the 18th). In all of this, on November 15, 2016, the girls all went to Epic’s party. Since we know very well that most of the cases of coming out as bisexual in the industry made by a female celebrity occur in succession with the connection with a guy, that night there was the PR proposal between Typo Dolour Signal and Lauren that he obviously accepted, and in fact, he was there that night at that party too (Picture of C with a tear mark on her cheek).

Now, the icing on the cake of the Laucy’s PR: Nicole Cartolano. Nicole is a friend of Lecy’s with whom she had already worked together and who also posted pictures of Lauren on November 17 and 22, 2016, one on December 31, 2016, together with Marian Hill taken backstage after Lauren’s performance with them on the 30th, the night before, for the Snow Globe Festival in South Lake Tahoe, California, and the one of Laucy (with the piñata) on January 10, taken the same night to celebrate Lucilia’s birthday at midnight and that Lauren also used to post it for wish her a happy birthday. That was the last public interaction between the two. *Slow entry of Tympans Dollhouse Signalized in the picture from January 4, 2017, thanks to that tweet*.

On January 21, 2017, Lauren and Lucy were at the same Women’s March, but separately (single), and we haven’t seen them together anymore. LuBYE. On March 22, 2017, both ‘Bare With Me’ and the interview article Nicole did with MTV News (she confirmed that Laucy had been together by having an on-again, off-again for years and also said a lot of other bullshit like the fact that the girls were nervous because they didn’t know how their parents would’ve responded) came out. On August 13, 2018, Nicole officially apologized to Lucy for being angry with her for posting the pictures and therefore for having outed her and for having taken part in the MTV interview without their permission. There was also the screenplay made by Nicole’s mom to make everything even more true.

Bullshit on bullshit on bullshit. Number 1, Lauren herself confirmed in this podcast that her parents knew about her, and said how much she loved Lucre’s ‘I’m out and proud’ part.

Number 2, Nicole posted a preview of the pictures on March 18, 2017, so if she really wanted to stop her before the publication on the 22nd, she would’ve had time to do so.

Number 3, Lucita came out publicly on her own with that Spanish post on Instagram on November 20, 2016, saying in summary that she was anything but straight because she didn’t want to label herself (she did it years later by saying she was a lesbian).

Number 4, as Lusia also confirmed in that post where Nicole’s mom left that comment, Nicole signed a non-disclosure agreement form. If she had actually violated it without having had a release and written consent form, she would’ve been sued.

Number 5, if Luciferase really wanted to have that conversation in private with Nicole’s mom, she might very well have done so. She could’ve contacted her and answered her IN PRIVATE for real, and not via IG where EVERYONE saw and took the side of poor, poor Luckless.

Number 6, the biggest proof that shows the hypocrisy of all this, Lucasta continued to work with Nicole. Their last work dates back to November 25, 2019.

Okaay, sure… sure, because it was normal for her to continue working with the person who outed her, wasn’t it? People’s lies never cease to amaze me. For that matter, Nicole also posted a picture of their ‘adventure’ as they made their way to the photoshoot location on November 1, 2017, and continued to wish them both a happy birthday with posts every year.

And lastly, on June 6, 2020, we have the Lucerne’s video leaked (+ old pictures and videos of 5H) where she burned pictures of Lauren and of the two of them together in 2017, accompanied by the tweets occurred two days later, in which she explained that she was hacked and that she burned the pictures for a closure. Then, exactly 20 days later, that is on June 26, 2020, the PAPER Magazine article of Lauren’s interview came out. What a coincidence! In that article, Lauren explained, along with other things, that she’d been in love with her best friend for 7 years.

Lauren, honey, the maths, the maths… If according to your words you fell in love with her at 15, got together with her at 18, and broken up at 20, how can these be 7 years? It’s 5 years… And as if it wasn’t enough, still according to your words, after 1 year and 8 months (from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017), 2 months of which public because of the wedding pictures, of the relationship you wanted at all costs, “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship”, you broke up with her because she was really toxic, and after less than a month, you started dating an even more toxic person without the proper time to heal?? How do you expect me to believe you? And I’m putting aside the fact that I know they’re both PR relationships. I’m speaking out of logic. How? How can I believe you? How does this make any sense?

Personally, yes, I believe Lauren and Lucy have a past. Lauren’s first kiss was when she was 13 (8th grade) with her boyfriend at the time, Dominic, but I think Lucy was her first kiss with a girl. And I think it happened when she was 15, but in 2011, so long before Lucy left. Lauren dated Paul Martinez from June 4, 2011, to the end of July (around 23/24). From after Paul, until her very first PR at X-Factor, Keaton Stromberg, she was single. I truly believe that before she met Camila, Lauren and Lucy did everything Lauren said. I really believe Lauren experimented with her in secret, but I don’t believe in anything else she said at all.

This is my opinion. And in my opinion, Lauren always knew she was queer, and Lucy was the first with whom she could experience the attraction and the feelings towards girls she had always felt and concealed deep inside herself. But they were friends. Just friends. Friends who messed around and experimented together in secret given the environment that surrounded them. Lucy then returned to live in Puerto Rico and they simply drifted apart because of the distance and Lauren’s busy schedule with 5H. When she came back into Lauren’s life, they rekindled their friendship. Just that. Also because, Camila, hello? Camila entered Lauren’s heart the same year Lucy left and never get out of it. Not to mention that Lucy had a girlfriend, Sarah Scott Narcise, before getting together with Nicole Marie Rendón in March 2017. I honestly think that Lucy was also giving advice to Lauren about her relationship with Camila, and I also think that now they really aren’t friends anymore for something we don’t know about, even though I have my theories… But anyway. Lauren needed a beard to be able to come out, Lucy needed visibility for her modeling career and, at the time, also for her music which, however, never saw the light of day. The labels approved because they would’ve done anything to keep their chosen one out of the gay light. Camila also approved. Boom, PR.

I don’t believe all the other bullshit she said during the podcast. Because if they’d been true, they would’ve made logical sense. A sense they’ve been trying, and failing, to give for years. If Lauren really didn’t want to come out, she wouldn’t have done a photoshoot with Lucy a week before the wedding with the intention of using that same photoshoot to come out. She would not have kissed Lucy in a public place during the wedding pictures in front of a professional photographer hired for the event, knowing full well that those pictures would eventually have been published by the bride and groom, her aunt and uncle, and the photographer himself. If she wanted so badly a picture of her kissing her girlfriend, drunk or not, she would’ve taken her fucking phone and take selfies. It wasn’t the fans’ or Perez’s fault. It was the management that was following the plan.

And I’m supposed to, what exactly? Forget all these things, things that have been proofed multiple times in the past, because Lauren, or Camila, or management, or labels, or their contracts, must continue with their stupid narrative? Because Camila must continue to look straight and continue to look in love with Shalt Menstruated because the señorito is about to release his documentary and his album? Because Camila’s movie is about to come out? Because Lauren’s own album is about to be released and because the subject matter of her female-pronounced songs must only and exclusively be related to Lucy? (Although I think her album will be out next year. I think a song with female pronunciation is coming out soon. And no, I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s Burning)

Guys, come on…

Think about it. She used Lucy as a shield to tell part of her story with Camila that happened in 2014. It all fits. Even the story told through songs from Camila’s cocky POV, including ‘Like Friends Do’, ‘Eyes on You’, ‘Cleopatra’, ‘Leave for Good’, and a couple from her last album like ‘Should’ve Said It’ and ‘Feel It Twice’.

I understand why many of you have been hurt by this podcast and by Lauren herself. I understand why a lot of you are angry about the things she said. I see you, I understand, I really do. And everyone is free to feel whatever they want, I’m not saying otherwise. But I really don’t understand why you’re hiding or why you’re abandoning the ship. Authors who don’t wanna write anymore. Accounts closed. Names changed. Hope lost. This, all this, makes me angry and hurt. Because you fell for it. And you know why you fell for it? Because Lauren changed her approach. Leaving aside the part just before when she said: “Even when I talk about it, and I don’t talk about it because I’ve learned to just ignore it because-” and there, I swear I had to pause because I burst out laughing, and I was like: “Bitch, you’re the one who pulled this out of your ass out of nowhere right this second, what are you saying?”. She went on by saying, and she knows us so well because of this: “I just chose to ignore it at a certain point because getting angry to them would it mean that it was real and validate it more for them”.

And it’s true. This non-angry approach of hers, worked like a charm. Lauren’s older, she’s more mature than before. Although she was very nervous, she managed to explain everything calmly. The fact that she was emotional and almost cried in many parts, it really gave an extra boost to what she tried to sell. And I’m not saying she faked almost crying. Hell, no. That was super true and hard for her. I’m saying though, that it’s really easy to manipulate people’s minds, and Lauren used her real pain, the real suffering she has gone through over the years to tell this charade. That’s why it seemed so real. And I’m supposed to fall for that shit just because that’s what they’ve wanted for years, right? Convenient much?

Guys, please. You’re smarter than that, use those beautiful brains. For example, the fact that Lauren said: “I was queer, but she was not”, wrong as you want it to be, and “Camila and I were just really good friends at that time”, yeah, sure, Jan. Doesn’t the very fact that she used the past tense make you realize that it was done to completely detach herself from her IN THE PRESENT? Everything she said was for something. Everything had a purpose. And the goal is always the same. Make us stop shipping ‘em. Putting a label on C only served the Shoestoremila purpose, nothing else. And those were words that came out of the mouth of the one who says she doesn’t like labeling people. The same one who was pissed that someone had outed her before she wanted to. Do you really think she’s that hypocritical?

The fact that she put all the CS in the same box, especially when she talked about the Daddy situation, WAS DONE ON PURPOSE. She couldn’t fail to generalize because their purpose is, and will be for a long time to come, to kill Camren. That means the whole fandom. Not just invasive elements. But really all the CS. The purpose was to make us feel guilty. The purpose is to make us accept that it was never real, and since we care about them, to make us continue to support them individually and not as a couple, even though she knows that the real CS do it regardless. This, is called manipulation, guys.

Think about everything else too. The inconsistency. The holes in her story. The lack of explanations. And the fact that during the story of how it all happened, she jumped from one theme to another and therefore managed to deflect and not completely finish one before moving on to the other, doesn’t it make you understand that she didn’t want to give too many details? And when does that usually happen? She knew we’d analyze her. She knew she couldn’t say too much. When she talked about Lucy, she knew that WE know she was talking about Camila, and with too many details, it would also have been obvious to the others because WE would’ve pointed it out to everyone. I mean, it’s obvious enough in itself, imagine if she’d fed us more information that we would’ve compared in the timeline.

Please, guys. I know that it feels like something’s changed, but it’s not. It’s really not. I’m appealing to all of you. Open your eyes. Reason. I know many of you still have conflicting emotions and feelings, and that’s okay. If you’re still upset, if you still wanna cry, then cry. Do whatever helps you feel better because, especially after the haters have come to bite your asses, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. But please, please, don’t give up. If you give up, you just play their game. You just do them a favor. You guys had invested so much of your time, so much of your passion, so much of yourselves to just, give up. Think of all we’ve been through, especially those who’ve been in the fandom for years. Think about how happy Camren makes you. They were there for you when you needed them. When you were going through hard times. I know they’ve helped a lotta people.

And think about this too. Lauren herself said at the beginning of the podcast: “The news and the media are constantly spinning narratives for your clicks so they can make money”. And what do you think this podcast was for? It’s always the same shit. Have you not noticed how the very same news and media have ALL talked about them? Didn’t you notice how My Oh My magically returned into the charts? How 50ft surpassed the 9 million streams on Spotify? And you still have doubts?

This is instead for the CS who get often angry about their actions. I personally think it’s pointless to blame Lauren and Camila for every single thing they do that has been PLANNED for them. Especially Camila as far as Shonas is concerned. There’s a pattern here too. Lauren had her light PR with Lucia. Lauren then had her heavy PR with Typic Dole Sight while Camila had a light one with Eatchu. And now Camila’s having a heavy one. C’s one is heavier simply because they’re much more famous than PRen (Tyren) were. So, guys, be patient. There’s really no point in getting angry and blaming them. It’s a waste of energy. It’s useless to blame them if they’re gonna continue to do so over the years to come. They’re just still trying to get past their original contracts and survive in the industry at the same time. Sooner or later, I HOPE, they will be free to tell the truth or the truth will come out on its own.

Well, I’m done. Jeez, that was long, wasn’t it? But I hope it was worth it. I hope I’ve cleared your heads a little bit and instilled some hope again. I also hope I made you smile with all those nicknames and my sarcasm. I especially hope that wherever you are, you’re having a good day, and if not, then I hope it has improved at least a little bit with this post. And thank you so much, Stuck. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use my voice for the first time publicly/virtually. You, above all, keep on being one of the lights and NEVER let them turn you off. I love you guys. Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay patient. With love, F.

I leave you with these two pearls:

Number 1. Lauren said something else too. She said: “Don’t trust me. Go research. Go look this shit up yourself”. I know she said it for a completely different context, but I found it really funny given the situation.

Number 2. This is a small scene that automatically created itself in my head as soon as I finished listening to Wonder. I titled it: The sad and short story of the making of ‘Wonder’.

Enjoy:

*on the phone*

Shawl Mendicant: “Hey, buddy. I know you were a huge Fifth Harmony fan and I know you love my fake girlfriend, so I was thinking… could you help me? You know, I need her to stay relevant, but to do that, I also need to release music and completely take all the credit from other people because, you know, the most I do is change a sentence or two in my style to make people think that I wrote all my songs.”

Sam Smith: “………okay?”

Shawnita Menorrhagia: “So, I was wondering, can I copy your homework? You can totally refuse if you want to, but I’m hoping to appeal to the love you have for 5H and Camila, and maybe help a friend out?”

Sam Smith: “Yeah, sure, you can copy my homework. Anything for my girls. Just, change it up a bit so it doesn’t sound too obvious you just copied it.”

Shonas Mended: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Thanks, man.” - *ends the call*

Sam Smith looking at the phone with an incredulous expression and one hand over his heart: “I came out as a non-binary, you insensitive asshole!”

Shoes Mentionable from the other room: “Cameeela! He said yes!” *reaching then Camila and Lauren in the living room where Lauren is lying with her head resting on Camila’s legs who’s running her fingers through her hair with one hand and holding the book that she’s reading with the other one* “You were right, all I had to do was mention you girls.”

Lauren chuckling and continuing to pet Cleo who’s lying at the foot of the couch with one hand: “Told you”, to then adding: “And please, I know you’re excited because of the news but keep your voice down”, continuing to caress Sofi’s head who’s sleeping on top of her with the other one.

Shapeless Mentality: “Oh, sorry.”

Camila without looking away from her book: “Sam’s really nice. I’m sure they would’ve said yes even without the need of mentioning us.”

Lauren: “Hmm, I’m not so sure about that, babe. Yes, they’re very nice, but we’re powerful in their minds, so it was an added incentive for them to say yes.”

Shaved Mentholated: “Who are they? Weren’t we talking about Sam?”

Camila who was giggling at her girlfriend’s words:

Lauren:

Sinu from the kitchen:

Cleo who was nibbling her toy:

Even Thunder, Leo, and Eugene from outside into the yard:

*the end*

Chon Mendable: ‘Wonder’ - Sam Smith: ‘One Last Song’

____

OMG I am speechless. I’m really still digesting this whole story because it’s amazing but I wanted to start by saying hello to you and telling you my name, my name is Marite. It is a pleasure to meet you dear friend. I don’t want to write too much because your words are much more important than mine but I wanted to thank you for trusting me and my blog to tell me your story. That side of the story that, being new and not having been a harmonizer from the beginning, I never learned. I intended to ask for more information about Laucy’s Timeline but what you have told is a gem. A gem that shows that the bastards of the industry cannot fool the fans because we pay attention to everything and it is not easy for us to fall for their shit. I think the power we fans have is so great that if we all came together, we could bring down this whole fucking fake empire that they have created. That said, Laucy’s story is surprising. As planned and how each person involved had to do their part on the chessboard. Incredible. Now that you tell me that story, I think it fits the one I wrote in my once upon a time post. Sure, yours is true and has everything that mine doesn’t. I have tried to keep this blog open for all who wish to come and air their ideas, their thoughts, their tea. And you dear friend, you have been one of the best so far. You’ve given us that support that the fandom so badly needed and I really appreciate it. I also appreciate your humor, the nicknames have been so hilarious and I’m still laughing. Thank you for daring to tell this part of the story and reopen the can of worms of a PR that right now resurfaces with that Lauren interview. With a purpose, it’s true. And something tells me that we will see much more very soon. Thank you for your support, my friend. And you know, you have my blog at your disposal for whatever you need. And if you need to talk or anything else. I greatly appreciate that we can continue to keep this ship afloat among ourselves. Among a group of intelligent people who have been hurt by someone we have always loved very much even though we know the reason for all that. We can’t give up now because if we do it like you say they will win and I personally don’t plan to indulge them in that. Thank you very much for all dear friend and I hope you have a nice day. I send you a hug and I hope you stay safe.

#submission #laucy timeline #amazing #thanks you buddy #camren #f anon

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sagamemes · 3 years

Text

the sheridan tapes 📼 part two. here and under the cut, you can find over 130 lines of dialogue from the horror podcast the sheridan tapes, specifically from episodes four to six, edited for roleplay purposes. some of these focus heavily on survival, war, science, and spooky stuff, but a lot can be used by anyone. tw: war, unreality, a mention of cannibalism, implications of manic behaviour.

❝ god, i hate snowstorms like this. not just getting caught in them, but the storms themselves. it feels like the earth’s trying to bury me alive every time it locks in like this. like nature’s rightly pissed off at all of us and doing its level best to crush us to death. ❞

❝ that’s what yom kippur means: the day of atonement. ❞

❝ that wasn’t the first time i’ve caught him in my office, going through my stuff. ❞

❝ normally i’d be annoyed at someone calling me young lady. ❞

❝ thank you… you are so warm… thank you for letting me in. ❞

❝ suddenly, everything fell into place. i made more progress than i had in about half a year. ❞

❝ the thing i remember most was catching disapproving glances from my father every time i went to the library. ❞

❝ why does time only run forward? why does cause need to precede effect? ❞

❝ no one knows if they can trust me with casework or not. ❞

❝ i didn’t say i was interested. ❞

❝ [he/i] was taken off duty and sent for psychiatric evaluation the next day. ❞

❝ coffee. i was making coffee. ❞

❝ i didn't mean to get stuck out here. ❞

❝ that just goes to show how small humans really are in the grand scheme of things: take away our tools and our toys and our technology, and we’re still just as vulnerable as we ever were. ❞

❝ she was good at that: making you feel like you were safe, like you could open up to her. ❞

❝ i’m just going to cover that one up. no harm in keeping it out of sight for the moment. ❞

❝ maybe there was someone in the stairs. ❞

❝ i think i did the lion’s share of the talking, which almost never happens. ❞

❝ i couldn’t get to sleep... i figured i’d get a head start today. ❞

❝ i’m afraid i don’t have all of the details of your involvement with the… tragic events in [place]. and i don’t think i’m the only one. ❞

❝ i’m still not sure i understand the whole tradition. ❞

❝ whatever it is, it’s chasing me. i can hear it’s footsteps in the snow, i can hear it— ❞

❝ when you work nights here, the less you really think about them, the better. ❞

❝ honestly, i just can’t get it out of my head. ❞

❝ snow is one of nature’s simplest and most effective ways of killing you dead if you aren’t prepared for it. ❞

❝ i wish you’d tell me what you’re doing here. i could lose my job if anything gets broken or if you end up getting hurt in there… ❞

❝ would you say you… considered her a friend? ❞

❝ would you mind saying your name again? for the recording? ❞

❝ if that was true, then there was something—and as a scientist, i hate to say this—supernatural going on in that lab. ❞

❝ most of them didn’t make it. a lot of them died afraid and alone, too. ❞

❝ i know you don’t like listening to these things, so i just wanted to help you out with… ❞

❝ if i could sleep, then trust me, i would. ❞

❝ i’m guessing the new owners are trying to make this place seem less creepy than it already is. ❞

❝ my schooling was expensive and unremarkable. ❞

❝ a lot of them died afraid and alone, too: ideal conditions for the making of poltergeists, in my experience. ❞

❝ look, i’m sorry, but this really isn’t a good time for anything, so if you wouldn’t mind… ❞

❝ basically, i was picturing a slightly creepier morticia addams. i couldn’t have been more wrong. ❞

❝ now i have to deal with [name]’s aspirations to write drama.. ❞

❝ i promise i won’t get you sacked. ❞

❝ i’ve never been very religious, but for some reason… it made me think of hell. ❞

❝ i think it may have been a thank you. ❞

❝ i’m working the graveyard shift and i noticed the lights were on. ❞

❝ i shouldn’t be here. no one asked me to come in this early. ❞

❝ everyone around here looks at me like i’m some kind of leper. ❞

❝ i had to go home for a few hours. i’m already on thin ice around here, and i didn’t want to get in more trouble for screaming obscenities up and down the wall. ❞

❝ it was… darkness. no, that doesn’t do it credit, the whole place was dark. this was just... void. ❞

❝ if i’d seen her anywhere else, i’d think she was an athlete or a backpacker. ❞

❝ better scientists than me have been bashing their heads into that particular wall since 1927. ❞

❝ i just want you to know that… whatever you really are... you’re safe here. ❞

❝ goats being goats, it would just come back the next day looking for food. ❞

❝ i would like you to leave my office now… and i’ll ask you not to tamper with evidence in the future, understood? ❞

❝ no, of course, i don’t have signal out here, so i can’t just call triple-a. ❞

❝ what are you doing in my office—at four goddamn thirty in the morning? ❞

❝ you ever wonder where the line is? you know, between human and not? ❞

❝ the funny thing i’ve noticed about war: no matter how terrible the fighting is, there always seems to be too much waiting. too much quiet. too much sitting around, bored to tears between fits of chaos and violence, lost in routine while waiting for the other shoe to drop. ❞

❝ a lot of people condemn them for that. we’re so sure we’d never resort to that—that we’d rather die than cross that unspoken boundary. ❞

❝ i’ve been at the [workplace/institution] for ten years now. that’s long enough to know that the ones who ask questions are the ones who can’t cut it. ❞

❝ the program blew every fuse in the lab. including the lights. ❞

❝ it was soon after they left that i began to have trouble sleeping. ❞

❝ perhaps we never knew each other as well as most friends do, but… we cared for one another. ❞

❝ most of her questions are a bit above my pay grade. ❞

❝ i’m trying, i’m trying! i can’t get the door open! ❞

❝ i don’t know why she needed my help: i think she had a better grasp of it than most science fiction writers. ❞

❝ we both had places to be afterwards, so we kind of rushed. i really wish i’d taken the time to say goodbye. ❞

❝ i guess some things just… don’t want to stay buried. ❞

❝ it was completely against orders of course, but no one really noticed or cared that far from the front. ❞

❝ i offered to buy him a cup of coffee. ❞

❝ newspapers praised them at the time: saw them as heroes of exploration and paragons of pioneer courage. ❞

❝ i signed a lot of big, scary nda’s during my time there. ❞

❝ i did the only thing that came to mind: i took a grenade from my belt, removed the pin, and threw it. ❞

❝ i doubt this storm will last more than a couple of days, and once it lets up we can sneak out of here and get going again. very, very carefully. ❞

❝ given enough time, everything will rot away to its elementary components, and that, you can’t reverse. ❞

❝ i really can’t see anything from inside the van. ❞

❝ i knew there were a few experiments that dealt with some pretty high-level theoretical concepts, but i wasn’t directly involved with any of them. ❞

❝ it’s a strange choice, but then again, he’s a strange man. ❞

❝ i know, it sounds ridiculous. trust me, i’ve done everything i can think of to make that conclusion go away. ❞

❝ scared the bejeezus out of a bunch of skiers, but they were nice enough to let me in after deciding i probably wasn’t a ghost. ❞

❝ please… it burns my skin… please… ❞

❝ i forgot how fast storms blow in up here. ❞

❝ it’s not like i felt out of control: it felt more natural than breathing. ❞

❝ i didn’t know what i was doing, not at any conscious level. but one step seemed to lead to another, then the next, and then the next. ❞

❝ it’s called a butcher’s shop in some places, but a mortuary in others. as much as i’d love to imply there was some sweeney todd style recycling going on here, i think the place has just been a lot of things over the years. ❞

❝ god, these things are creepy as hell. ❞

❝ if you wouldn’t mind, please, tell us what happened? in your own time, of course. ❞

❝ it took a few long, nerve-wracking days to work up my courage and visit the section again. ❞

❝ it’s not that odd to think that people ate each other out there. ❞

❝ i didn’t think there was a ghost in my room or anything like that, i just kept hearing noises whenever i was about to fall asleep. ❞

❝ i downed half a dozen energy drinks at 6 and called it dinner—i know, i know, it’s a nasty habit i picked up in grad school. ❞

❝ they told me that the cpu and motherboard had somehow been melted into a solid lump of plastic and silicon. ❞

❝ i mean, [name] was a pain in the ass, but at least he didn’t… ❞

❝ my schedule was full, but i had something else fall through at the last minute. i had your number on my desk, so i thought i may as well call. ❞

❝ i wonder if it was afraid, or if it even realized what was going to happen. it probably didn’t. ❞

❝ i need to get more coffee. or punch someone. whichever’s more convenient. ❞

❝ god, if that’s really how i sound… ❞

❝ people think i write horror, but i don’t really think that’s true. i just write fiction with all of the comfortable little lies taken out of it. ❞

❝ i have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night. ❞

❝ i think he felt something about this place… some influence or power that needed to be destroyed, so he tried to do it the only way he knew how. ❞

❝ well, it’s a tricky thing. the more realistic you make them, the more… unreal they start to look. i think it’s something about the eyes. ❞

❝ i offered to stay late, just to smooth things over. ❞

❝ maybe i can get some writing done while i’m stuck here… ❞

❝ no child could grow up in a jewish home surrounded by books and not read at least one story about golems. ❞

❝ i just wasn’t a good student, despite my love of reading. ❞

❝ i have to say, i like your jane doe. ❞

❝ she was a scientist herself. maybe not formally, but her way of thinking, her insight, her methods... they were scientist’s qualities. ❞

❝ seriously, what do i need to do to get a little privacy around here, a little dignity? hang a ‘ do not disturb ’ sign on the door? change all my locks? ❞

❝ maybe it was stupid, but i figured, ‘ hey, early december, not a cloud in the sky—should still be fine, right? ’ ❞

❝ jesus, [name], i wasn’t born yesterday. ❞

❝ maybe doing this while it’s still dark outside isn’t the best idea. ❞

❝ more than a century and a half have passed, and this place is still just as dangerous as it was then. ❞

❝ now, [mr./ms./mx. name], i’m sure you know why you’re here. ❞

❝ the [event] was a bust—only about a dozen people showed up all afternoon. ❞

❝ i never put much stock in the idea of inspiration, but for the first time in my life, it felt like i wasn’t pushing myself through the muck of miscalculation and guesswork towards a solution. i was being pulled towards an answer that already existed. ❞

❝ it felt like i was a few steps from finding out something fundamental. some truth about our universe that no other scientist had ever dared to dream of. ❞

❝ huh. that’s… that’s weird. i could’ve sworn there wasn’t a sculpture back there before. ❞

❝ apparently, no one had told them what i was doing, and i wasn’t actually cleared to leave. ❞

❝ maybe he’s trying to make amends. keeping watch over these half-living things to make sure no harm comes to them. ❞

❝ i expected the building to be wreathed in shadow and overgrown with cobwebs, but it's actually really nice. ❞

❝ sorry, i was trying to get my recorder working, but it froze up on me so i had to find a tape for this old… ❞

❝ okay. just… don’t get me sacked, alright? can’t exactly retire on this salary. ❞

❝ but if it was real—i don’t know if i somehow created it, or if it was feeding me information about itself before it appeared. ❞

❝ i’ve never had a manic episode before, and i was well below the level of caffeine needed to cause intoxication. as far as i can tell, there isn’t a medical explanation for what happened. ❞

❝ i don’t get the appeal of meeting real celebrities. it’s just a cheap shock of recognition, and nothing more. ❞

❝ whatever this… thing was, it sounds pretty dangerous. ❞

❝ are you familiar with temporal asymmetry? ❞

❝ i just want to make that abundantly clear: this /wasn’t/ the plan. ❞

❝ right then, now let’s get started. please state your name and rank for the record. ❞

❝ though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light. ❞

❝ a cracker of a book, young lady. ❞

❝ no wonder they’re keeping them in storage. they’d give anyone nightmares. ❞

❝ i was just going to finish out my shift unless… you want me to stick around? ❞

❝ i went to the university, but don’t remember much of the years i spent there. ❞

❝ having to study textbooks and essays day in and day out took all of the joy out of reading for a long time. ❞

❝ we call paradoxes paradoxes for a reason: no matter how plausible they seem, they can never really happen. ❞

❝ i don’t know what happened to me that night. i still don’t even know if what i saw was real. ❞

❝ when we look into the void for too long, we find the monsters instead. ❞

#sentence starters #sentence meme #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #rp meme #* sentences.#* meme.#sheridan #trying some minor new things w/ the formatting #especially for these longer #non numbered sentence memes

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carriagelamp · 3 years

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Weirdly enough, I often find myself reading less in the summer, since I have more time than I do during the rest of the year to do other things. Also artfight has been eating up more than a bit of my free time! But here’s a collection a graphic novels I sat around on the hammock reading, and some novels I finished up...

(Everyone go read All Systems Red, holy crow guys)

A Whale of the Wild

The “sequel” to A Wolf Called Wander, though it doesn’t actually connect to the previous novel except in the stylistic/thematic sense. A Whale of the Wild is very much a standalone novel. And a pretty decent one! Personally, I think I liked Wolf more, but this one was a pleasant, informative read, with just the right amount of crushing dread sprinkled in. It’s about a young orca called Vega who is learning to become a new wayfinder for her pod but who still has a lot to learn, especially in an ocean that is becoming increasingly hostile to orcas and the other sealife that live alongside humans. When a devastating earthquake hits, Vega and her little brother find themselves separated from their family, lost in a now horrifyingly unfamiliar environment, and fighting starvation as the salmon that sustain them become more and more unreliable. It’s a desperate fight for survival as they search for food and their missing family. This book is written for a middle grade level, and does a really good job of putting the current environmental crisis into an animal’s perspective while giving the readers something to hope for.

The Adventure Zone: The Crystal Kingdom

Every July I eagerly anticipate the next Adventure Zone graphic novel. This one is for their fourth arc, The Crystal Kingdom, in which Magnus, Taako, and Merle respond to a SOS from a floating laboratory that is gradually being consumed by crystals and which threatens the entire world should it fall into the ocean. Carey Pietsch’s art continues to be absolutely fantastic, so beautifully and hilariously expressive, and this one delivers some great Merle moments, lots of Carey Fangbattle, and, of course, Kravtiz. Kravitz, my beloved…

Anyway, I obviously always recommend these. If you’ve never gotten into The Adventure Zone, I totally recommend either trying these graphic novels — or even better, just go listen to the podcast because it really is both hilarious and creates a shockingly good and heart-wrenching story by the end.

All Systems Red

I’ve seen The Murderbot Diaries on my dash occasionally, and it always looked interesting, but a friend’s recommendation finally compelled me to read the first novella of the series. And holy shit y’all. Absolutely the best book I’ve read this month, it’s amazing. Mind-blowingly good. Also, if you’re like me and want a good audiobook, it’s a nice three-hour listen, very chill!

Anyway, All Systems Red is about a Security Unit, an artificially created being that’s part-organic part-mechanical and all-company-owned-and-controlled. However, self-named “Murderbot” has managed to hack into the system that suppresses its own will, and is now coasting along, doing the least amount of work its job requires not to be noticed, while preferring to spend all its time watching the hours and hours of soap operas it has downloaded into its brain. And it’s a tolerable if somewhat dull life, until the science team that it's currently rented to is attacked and the whole mission goes pear-shaped. Suddenly Murderbot has to scramble to keep its humans alive… while its humans scramble with the realization that their “SecUnit” isn’t actually a mindless robot like they had all believed...

This story is both gripping and hilariously funny. Murderbot has such a unique voice and perspective and it’s an absolute pleasure to follow its story. I reallly need to read the next book...

Asterix and the Banquet

A classic. I was startled when I realized I hadn’t actually read this Asterix story… but hell I’m not gonna complain, it lets me read one of the originals for the first time again! In this Asterix volume, the Indomitable Gauls and the Romans end up arranging a bet — the Romans intend to keep them under siege, trapped in their village, while Asterix is confident that he can easily evade them… and will prove it by going on a tour around all of Gaul, collecting iconic foods from each region in order to return and put on a fine banquet. So we get a fantastic adventure in which Asterix and Obelix run all over the country, pursued the whole way, while making cheerful stops at the various eateries along the way. Also the first book Dogmatix shows up in! All around, a wonderful read, fun like all the best Asterix comics are.

Beauty Pop v4

A less impressive graphic novel. The first Beauty Pop is one of my guilty pleasure manga because… it really is pretty stupid but in the best possible ways. I mean, the whole thing is framed around hairstyling battles, like a shojo sports manga without the sports. It’s bonkers. Unfortunately, the series does not really manage to hold up, and it really begins to feel repetitive and dragging as it continues… as a lot of series like this do. *shrug* Unsurprising but still kinda disappointing I suppose. The building three-way romantic tension is mildly interesting if for no other reason than the main character Does Not Notice and Does Not Care about any of it, which is amusing and refreshing.

FRNCK v5

Now this series only gets better and better as it goes. This is the first book of the second arc, and somehow the danger just seems to be ramping up and up and up. The cavefamily have lost their home… as well as Léonard and Gargouille. Heartbroken, shocked, and angry, Franck is the one who ends up shouldering the blame for their presumed deaths as the others mourn. Things only get worse when Franck finds himself separated from the family, and in the territory of another tribe, this one hostile and cannibalistic...

Haikyuu v5

I continue to read this series because it continues to be charming… though it is beginning to feel, maybe, just a little repetitive. Kind of an inevitability with sports manga. But so far it continues to be good enough to overcome that. I’m not sure what I can say about this series that I haven’t already, so I’ll simply say it continues to be one of the most impressive sports manga I’ve read, and the author does a fantastic job of creating engaging characters, fleshed out teams, and really compelling relationships. I do genuinely adore all the main members of Crows, along with a number of characters from the rival teams as well. And of course it has some kickass volleyball scenes that are just drawn so dramatically they can’t help but take your breath away a little.

M*A*S*H Goes To Maine

Meh. The original book of the series was actually quite good in my opinion. This one… considerably less so. The first part I enjoyed more, since it was about Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, and Oliver Jones trying to set up the FinestKind Clinic and Fishmarket in Crabapple Cove (which… is just the best premise I could have ever asked for). However, the book spends most of its time describing the quirky lives and times of other people living in the area and I… just… don’t care. It was funny at times but… I just don’t care. I wanted to hear more about the main cast. Also I found this book felt more racist and misogynistic than the first which also put me off :/ Wouldn’t bother if I were you. Go read the first book instead, or better yet just watch the TV show which is an obvious banger.

My Heart’s in the Highlands

I have had this on my “currently reading” list for so long but I’m officially giving up. It’s a really good book in theory but my god I can’t get over the pacing.

It’s about Lady Jane, a woman studying medicine in Edinburgh in 1888, and who suddenly finds herself back in the Highlands in the 13th century. Lost and confused, Jane is now at the mercy Clan Donald’s hospitality while she tries to adjust to this new world and hunts for her broken time machine. Fortunately, this hospitality include a burgeoning friendship with a red-haired warrior woman, Ainslie nic Dòmhnaill, who opens Jane’s eyes to the way the world could be.

Listen. It drives me nuts. This book should be completely up my alley, it has everything I like — IT HAS ALL OF ITS HISTORICAL FOOTNOTES CITED AT THE BACK, LITTLE EXTRA DETAILS ABOUT EVERY CHAPTER. THAT’S MY SHIT RIGHT THERE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE BEING ABLE TO GO OVER HISTORICAL DETAILS?? AND WELL RESEARCHED FOOTNOTES?? And yet it doesn’t. Fucking. Work for me. It has a kickass Scottish warrior lady as a love interest! It has a badass lady doctor! It has fish-out-of-water culture shock! But it also has a completely meandering plot, no sense of building tension, and a romance that just happens out of nowhere and feels completely unearned and uninteresting.

I would genuinely just rather read Outlander again, which I know has its own host of problems, but at least Outlander felt exciting and interesting and tense and funny. The romance built in fits and starts, it was complicated, and kept me interested. That book had me hooked (and has me hooked every time I reread it) whereas this book I’ve been sadly picking at for months like its a plate of overcooked spinach. This felt like an attempt at a queer, historically accurate knockoff which I would normally be super into but which just could not stick the landing.

Moomin on the Riviera

My first time actually reading anything from the Moomin canon. I have zero idea how to feel about it! It certainly is as feral as I’ve heard described! Overall, I think I enjoyed it but it sure made me feel strange emotions I didn’t know existed. I’m not even going to try to describe it. Read it if you want a batshit insane anti-capitalist comic.

Surviving the City

This was good in some areas, less good in others. It had a very interesting indigenous perspective on life in the modern city, the foster system, and The Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women issue, which I’ve never seen handled in a book before. Something about the pacing did not completely click with me and I found myself getting easily distracted, but it’s definitely worth the read just to experience it and look at the issues it deals with through the characters’ (and author’s) eyes. It did give me a lot to think about and wrestle with, which is sometimes the best thing a book can give you.

Torchwood: Pack Animals

A really fun read, more so than I had ever expected! If you like Torchwood and want more stories about the team before everything goes to shit, this is perfect for that. It includes the entire cast, an interest mystery to be unravelled, lots of slavering monsters, Rhys being really wonderful and sweet (which I didn’t know I wanted until I read this book), and all the humour I expect from Torchwood. I had to send a lot of quotes to my long-suffering girlfriend who a) does not watch this show but b) needs to tolerate it because I find it too funny to keep to myself. It was good enough to make me go out another book of the series since this was the only one my library carried.

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seeingteacupsindragons · 3 years

Text

(Answering publicly as an ask with permission)

For screenreaders, the text reads:

Hello! Sorry to bother you again... You've mentioned quite a lot of times that you're learning japanese and I see you're even able to read manga in the original text(kudos to you for that!) I'm an aspiring japanese learner myself-I've recently mastered all the hiragana and katakana, but I'm kind of clueless how to continue from there, since I'm studying on my own. Do you maybe have any tips on what I could tackle next? Sorry that I couldn't send this as an ask. Unfortunately tumblr isn't really cooperating with me today. Thanks a lot in advance!

This is going to be a long story, because: this is actually the third time I’ve tried learning Japanese.

The first time, my parents bought me a (I’m told very expensive) program for Christmas when I was twelve to learn Japanese at home--it came with a bunch of CDs and books and things. It was a lot like all of the materials for a foreign language course, at home.

But I was twelve and didn’t know what I was doing, and had no support or encouragement from anyone else, just a desire to learn, so it didn’t end up really working out. I remember some of the info from the books, but honestly, it just didn’t work for me. I didn’t really even know how to use any of the stuff.

In college, I made it through three semesters of Japanese. I learned a lot there, but it, again, didn’t quite work. I had my classmates and a couple friends, a teacher, but I have never been motivated by grades, and there just wasn’t much of a reason to keep on.

Anyway, years later, JR happened, and I desperately wanted to read them, but I was nowhere near close to being able to tackle that. At all. So I picked up Duolingo and found that my Japanese from college was coming back to me, and that was pretty cool, but it’s not like I was getting anywhere. JR is much too high a level for me to really take a crack at.

And then I ran out of YuuMori scans.

This was back in...November? The end of October? When only up to chapter 27 had been translated, and a new chapter was getting uploaded in English every month or two. And I was dying, because I’d been reading like a volume a night and other people were definitely going to accidentally spoil things for me and I hate spoilers.

But a couple of my friends who are fluent in Japanese were reading it that way, and after I saw a couple screenshots, I noticed that everything had furigana in it, and after some puzzling with a dictionary, I could figure out some of the speech bubbles, because I still remembered my kana from college! Cool! I asked one if they thought I could manage is, and she was encouraging, so after a week of debating, I went and bought volume seven so I could keep reading.

This has been going much better, and I’ve been learning far more Japanese than I have before.

Why this time?

I have a really good reason to keep reading (YuuMori, yay! Fan comics! Random stuff from Japanese people on twitter!) that I can actually hope to mostly manage because it’s not too high a level for me to make it through (although...the politics in YuuMori is...rough.)

I have friends who are fluent in Japanese this time (did not have that before--I could ask the Japanese TAs in college, but we weren’t friends, so it always felt awkward). I can ask them for help, they correct me when I get things wrong, and sometimes I pop into their DMs like “Hey, I keep finding this weird grammar bit that I don’t understand and isn’t in the dictionary, what does it mean?” And since I’m livetweeting, if they see I got something very off, they’ll comment and go, “Hey, actually....” or will help if I’m totally confused.

One of them is a Japanese to English translator, so she gave me the recommendation for the Japanese to English dictionary I’m using (which is super useful, omg), and a browser extension, which is also really helpful.

Plus, having multilingual friends is really nice when I’m like “Hey, this part of learning a language is like...normal, right? It’s a good sign, not a sign I’m a total disaster?” and they can reassure me because I’m anxious.

Another friend also recommended this book called All About Particles, which has been useful for that part of Japanese that I reference a lot. Another recommended I pick up Learning the Kanji but I haven’t gotten around to that just yet.

I have a couple friends who are also not quite fluent who I DM back and forth in Japanese from time to time, which helps up both practice, too. Having a reason to really use the language is incredibly necessary for me. After all, language is a communication tool, right?

There’s also this cool website I found a few weeks ago that I haven’t had a chance to use yet called https://learnnatively.com/. It ranks Japanese books and manga on their difficulty, so you can buy and try to read them (after all, that’s how little kids in Japan learn Japanese--isn’t it?).

Another thing I was doing all fall and winter, but have mostly stopped now, was taking out a notebook (my old Japanese notebook, lol), and diagramming out the sentences. Okay, sure, I could look up words in the dictionary, but I needed to figure out how they fit together. So I would write them out in order with the particles, look up the conjugations and particles on google, and then note that, and then piece together how all the words fit together.

I don’t need to do that so much anymore (although it would probably be helpful, lol). But then, I’m very gifted with grammar and always have been. A couple of my friends who are fluent have commented they’re very impressed by how fast I’ve picked up the Japanese grammar, and even my mother was like, “Yeah, you’ve always been good at that since you were little...” And discussing some linguistic things with my friend who has a Master’s in translation led to her asking me if I’d studied it because I said things that she’d heard there, which..well, no, it just made sense to me.

So. I have that going for me, too.

There’s also tons of podcasts and YouTube series and things like that designed to help learning Japanese...that’s not really how I learn, so I haven’t been using them and can’t give any recs. But they’re certainly out there!

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing, and it’s been going pretty well, all things considered.

I hope this helped, and if not, was at least sort of interesting to read.

#Japanese #langblr #language #language learning

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johnkrrasinski · 4 years

Text

So It Goes...

full masterlist

Pairings: Rock star/Bassist!Bucky Barnes x female!reader (AU)

Word count: 7,149

Warning: fluff, SMUT! but mostly just me falling in love with bucky, really.

Summary: natasha romanoff aka your annoying roommate coerced you into the howling commando’s live performance at a divebar near your dorm. little did you know, it was going to lead you to the man of your dreams aka the charming rock star boy/bassist, james buchanan barnes.

a/n: this one’s written for @sourpatchkidsandacokecan‘s “Little Darlin’s Mysteru AU” challenge. i chose band/rockstar au. here’s another love letter to bucky barnes because i love that man with my entire heart and every fic that i write about him is basically just me expressing my deep affection for this man. hope you guys enjoy this one cause i certainly do! also, rock star/boy band bucky is such a concept omg i’m in love

You laid in your twin-sized bed as you heard the chirping sounds of the birds outside of your window. They were singing cheerily as if they knew what you were feeling and they were celebrating with you. It felt like you were in a Disney movie that you used to obsess over as a kid, where you are the lovestruck princess because you just met a handsome prince who swept you off your feet at first sight.

The birds outside of your window are your animal pals who swoon over you swooning and they spontaneously harmonize and dance to this newfound joy. You couldn’t resist the smile taking over your face. It was too early for you to be awake on a Saturday morning. You were always up by 10 AM. No more, no less. But it was currently 8.45 AM and you still had at least one more hour to get up and be productive.

But not today. Today, you were going to welcome this exhilarating sensation in your bones, and you were going to savour every second of it. Because you couldn’t shake away those baby blue eyes and that suave, boyish charm. The way, they electrified you by first glance and made you tremble when those pupils dilated. You could still feel the way his soft, plump lips hypnotized you last night. And the raunchy way he held you at the bar.

Even when all was said and done, he found a way to haunt you in your dreams.

And you didn’t mind one bit.

You were currently in the middle of a crisis due to your upcoming final week. If there’s any word to describe you as a college student, it would be ambitious. The idea of failing or getting less than B+ makes you go ballistic. You were an active student. You joined multiple organizations that expanded your social life. You got along with mostly everyone in your classes and you had your professors’ respect too for your excellent grades and polite manners.

But your lack of dating life irked no one else more than your roommate, Natasha. You loved Natasha with your entire heart, really. She was like a sister to you. You were an only child so you cherished her older sister role in your life. She was, in fact, several months older than you and she always protected you like her own. Starting from the asshole that broke your heart in high school, despite only knowing him through your story, to incessantly pushing you to stop being such a nerd and have more fun.

Natasha was the kind of woman you don’t wanna mess with. She was loyal, brave and quick-witted. She knows how to keep her GPA high, whilst also maintaining a fun social life. She managed to do it all so effortlessly.

“C’mon, y/n! Just one night! You need to let loose and release all tension on your shoulders, baby. It’s good for your brain before finals start!”

“Noooo, Nat. Rock bands are not my thing and I’d have a higher chance of acing the tests if I study now, okay? Just go. Have fun without me and tell me how it goes.”

“But my boyfriend’s performing, y/n. And I want you to meet him! I promise they are really good. Even if you're not into the music, you can still go for the drinks, right? Also, they’ve got other cute members available so, you might find your own rock band boyfriend too if you go.” She winked. Her smirk was menacing.

“Ugh, I’m not interested in finding a boyfriend, Nat.”

“I know, but wouldn’t hurt if you do, right? Then we can go on double dates and have them write songs about us. Oh God, it’s going to be awesome.”

“Whoa, slow down. I haven’t even learned their names, yet and we are already discussing double dates?”

“Alright, let’s just start with putting on your sexy clothes and meet them yourself. Then we can move onto picking one gorgeous beast for you.”

“What makes you even think that they’d be interested in me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, y/n. Have you never owned a mirror? You are a total babe. You just need to get yourself more action.”

“Ugh, I don’t know, Nat…”

“You are going. And I’m not leaving until you get up and put on something cool. I have patience, baby and I’m going to annoy you all night if you stay. What do you prefer? Going out and have fun and meet some cute boys or me annoying you all night so you can’t study productively.” She glared at you. Her tone indicated that there was no compromise.

“Alright, I’m going. But that’s only because I wanna meet your boyfriend, alright? Not because I wanna find a boyfriend or whatever stupid shit you’re thinking.”

“Yay!” She jumped in excitement. Her face was content with joy and satisfaction from succeeding in persuading you. “Alright, let’s dig through your clothes.” She started rummaging your shared closet and observed meticulously each one of your outfits. “Hmm… Let’s try this one!” She picked up a strapless black sequin dress that you hadn’t worn in forever. You didn’t even remember packing it up in your baggage and brought it with you to your dorm.

You began stripping yourself out of your oversized hoodie and high-waisted shorts. You didn’t feel embarrassed changing in front of Natasha, you had seen each other naked many times. You were roommates after all and sometimes, you just had to be comfortable with the fact that you had private body parts underneath and within the course of four years, eventually, you had to get used to flashing one another at some point.

You put it on as you started to feel a little uncomfortable. You weren’t used to wearing skimpy dresses. Already wearing it for less than three minutes, you were constantly lifting the hem of the dress to prevent it from exposing your boobs and revealing your inner thighs. And the material felt itchy on your skin too. “Nat, I’m not sure about this. Let’s just wear a leather jacket and jeans.”

“Nonsense! You look bomb! Give your leather jacket and jeans a break, alright? Okay, turn around so I can see your behind.”

You twirled as she said, restlessly.

Tonight was going to be a longspun night…

The air felt crisp against your skin, as the breeze swept through your freshly curled hair, causing a few strands shading your sight. You struggled to walk steadily in your 7-inch heels that belonged to Natasha because you didn’t have a pair of your own. You were cool with wearing ankle boots pairing them with a sparkly dress. But Natasha didn’t think it was a cute look.

“What? Boots and dresses don’t go along, honey. Oh my, you need a serious makeover!” She was derailed.

You eventually settled with a silk red dress with a seductively low cleavage on the front, exposing the globes of your breasts. You were already as uncomfortable as it is, this dress didn’t make it any easier to act normal.

So you had to endure walking in these deadly shoes of torture, whilst clad in nothing but a scanty material with makeup painting your entire face. Great. What had you gotten yourself into? Damn you, Natasha.

You and Nat were walking arm in arm to the bar where “The Howling Commandos” were performing. That’s the name of the band that Natasha’s boyfriend was in. They have been a group for 5 years now, they had been doing this since they were in high school. Clint and the rest of the members were several years older than you and Nat. As soon as they graduated, they decided that they wanted to keep making music rather than working mundane, dead-end jobs.

Yep, Natasha told you that much.

Clint and Nat had been dating for two years now. They rarely saw each other due to the band’s packed schedule. Although, they would FaceTime each other every night, talking about each other’s days. You heard it all, from their most disgustingly adorable flirtations, to the most inappropriate, not so PG-13 confession.

They would literally pretend to smooch one another through the screen when you were doing your homework or when you had your nose deep in a book. You’d try to cover your ears by putting on your earbuds and turning up the volume so you could give them privacy but also, you didn’t wanna hear them talking about what they wanted to do to each other if both of them were here.

You knew Clint well enough to not feel like you were meeting a complete stranger. Natasha would often tell you to say hi to him and she had told you a lot of wonderful things to Clint. Clint would often talk about the band too on the phone, how someone called “Bucky” would piss him off by stealing his leftover sandwich. Or someone called “Sam” would often interrupt their chat by reminding him that it was soundcheck time.

“I gotta go, babe. Sammy’s not gonna stop yelling.”

“Aw, okay, tell the boys I say hi! Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.”

It’s like a daily podcast for you every night.

The dive bar where The Howling Commandos were performing thankfully wasn’t that far from your dorm. Natasha was super thrilled when Clint told them that they were going to perform here. They were finally able to see each other after a while, and because this was going to be their last gig until they come back with a new album, he said he was going to stay and spend some time with Nat.

You were happy for both of them. You’d never say it out loud but, a part of you was secretly jealous of their love. They managed to maintain such a fun, loving, and healthy relationship despite the distance and differences. Natasha once told you that she was never one to settle with a man for too long but, Clint changed the game for her. You smiled at the thought. They were genuinely in love. If you were to find yourself a boyfriend, you wanted the type of love that they had.

But not tonight. You were okay with being single. Just because a part of you wanted what Clint & Nat had, doesn’t mean that you actually need it or you’d die. You were too much of a goal-oriented person to be chasing over something that should come naturally. You had grown so comfortable in being alone, that you stopped desiring love so much. It wasn’t getting you anywhere. So you lived your life, being grateful for your friends and family. You invested your time in your education and passion. You were content.

When you arrived at the bar, the room was full with a crowd. You walked in with Natasha trying to make a space for yourself so you could walk through them. You could barely anything else due to the number of bodies blocking your view. Natasha held your hand as she took the lead and fought through the crowd to get to the front, where she could get the best view.

There was a blonde-haired woman standing on the front, so close to where the band were going to play. When Natasha slightly grazed her whilst trying to stand next to her, she didn’t look the slightest bit happy. She glared at Natasha as Natasha noticed. She glared back at her.

“Excuse me, there’s more space in the back, maybe you can stand there instead of cutting through the line.”

“Excuse you, miss. I’m dating the band’s drummer, so I can stand wherever I want, thank you very much. If you don’t like that, then the exit is right there.” She pointed to the door of where we walked in from.

The blonde woman rolled her eyes as she folded her arms against her chest. After you stared at her reaction, you realized that you actually know her. She was in the same social science class with you. You had never really talked to her because she often sat in the back and immediately left after the class was done, but you remembered her name. Her name was Dottie Underwood. Your classmates called her Dot. The ones that she liked anyway.

You decided to stay quiet and let it pass. It’s not like she even recognized you even if you start a chat with her. You don’t think it was a good idea either since she and Nat literally just snarked at each other. You directed your sight to the stage and waited for the famous Howling Commandos to appear.

One of the spotlights turned and highlighted a man walking on stage before he talked into the microphone at the centre. “And now, ladies and gentlemen, a group of brilliant lads, that make all the ladies go feral wherever they go, and their showstopping music are going to make us sing and jump tonight. Please welcome, The Howling Commandos!”

The crowd roared with cheers, the sounds of their enthusiasm filled the atmosphere. Their claps were jovially in sync as four, drop-dead gorgeous young men stepped into the stage as their presence shifted the energy in the room.

The first one was a blonde-haired with breathtaking bone structure, forming a ridiculously handsome face. His hair shone under the spotlight like the sun amidst the clear sky. He had an amiable demeanour about him. His smile was gentle and welcoming. He waved to the crowd and stood directly behind the microphone.

The second one to walk in was a dark-skinned man with an undeniable charisma oozing out of him. He had a neatly trimmed beard that only added to his spicy appeal. His smile was radiant as he also waved the crowd. He stood on the left side of the stage, a couple of steps behind Steve who was apparently the lead singer.

The third one to walk in was Clint. He was everything Nat described him to be. Placid and nonchalant. His smile was amenable as he greeted the crowd. He walked directly to the background, where the drumset was placed. He sat down on the drummer’s chair as he picked up the sticks he was going to play with.

The last one to enter was a literal Disney prince coming to life. His prominent boyish charm completely bedazzled you. His blue eyes gleamed under the spotlight as they lingered on you for a second. He immediately shifted his gaze as he kept walking towards the right side of the stage, but you swore that when he caught you staring dumbfoundedly at him, you could see the flash of a quick smirk on his face.

He only nodded to the crowd as he confidently picked up the bass guitar that was previously placed on the floor and put on the leather straps around his neck. His eyes turned back to you as you found yourself still bluntly staring at him. Something about him just enchanted you. He had that boy-next-door charm about him but also, a bad boy persona that was irresistibly enticing.

That flash of smirk that you saw earlier resurfaced and it was getting harder for you to pay attention to anyone or anything else in the room other than him. His gaze grew more intense as the noises of the crowd faded into the background. You were lost in this lethal game of eye contact until Natasha accidentally elbowed you by screaming her lungs out to respond to the lead singer’s introduction.

“Good evening, SHIELD’s Nest! How are we feeling tonight?” The lead singer vivified the crowd. They responded with a reassuring reaction. “I’m Steve Rogers and these are my buddies,” he turned his head to the left, as he started introducing the other band members. “The handsome guy right there is Sam, and in the back, there’s Clint, our brilliant drummer boy and this ladies’ charmer right here is Bucky.” As he pointed to the magnetic man who had held your attention hostage since he first walked in.

“And we are The Howling Commandos.” He paused for a second before carrying on with his prelude. “Alright, so the first song that we’re going to play tonight is called ‘Rusted Love’. Enjoy.” Steve removed his mouth from behind the microphone and started cueing the band to play. “1,2…”

Sam and Bucky started strumming the first few notes as a few people cheered. Then Clint jumped in, flaunting his talent in mastering the drum with his sticks. The energy in the room felt more energized as people started moving a part of their bodies. Then Steve amazed the room with his sultry voice, singing the words that echoed through the Sound system of the bar.

“I’m a flying kite in a hurricane, you paralyzed me with your touch and your lips got me addicted…” Steve shut his eyes, relishing the rune. You had a feeling that those lyrics wouldn’t just stay lyrics tonight…

They played another four songs that night. The crowd danced, jumped and screamed the words to their song passionately. You, on the other hand, was probably the most tranquil person in the crowd. You didn’t really know much about the band, let alone their music. So when everyone was constantly pushing you because they were too lost in the moment, you eventually tried to get out of the crowd and sat on the bar instead. Natasha was also too lost in supporting her boyfriend, that she almost didn’t notice you leaving.

Through the vibration of the crowd and the music, you had to really lean in to get Natasha’s attention and to get her to hear you. “Nat! I’m gonna sit in the back and wait there. I’m a little thirsty.” She had a giant smile on her face due to the zest the band inflicted. “Okay!” She yelled back, then carried on with her foxy moves.

You struggled to walk through the crowd, trying to not step on anyone’s feet as you made your way to the barstool. What you didn’t notice was, Bucky’s disappointed on his face when he saw you walking out on him. He noticed that you weren’t exactly as thrilled as anyone else. Although, he noticed your stolen glances as you shied away from him when he stared back. He even tried to wink at you once but you immediately looked to the floor, hiding away your blush. He swore he saw the way your cheeks reddened. Not that he wasn’t used to getting that reaction anyway…

You exhaled a breath of relief as you finally broke out of the congested mass of people. You sat on the barstool as you ordered a glass of rum and you waited as the music still reverberated robustly in your ears. You sat there as you started looking through your Instagram. Nat’s icon was the first one to appear in the row and you clicked it to see what you were expecting. She recorded a video of the band, then zoomed in to Clint, as he was ardently drumming the beat.

She put on a heart eyes and fire emoji with the text; “that’s my man!”. The next one was her and you singing along to the second song they played that night. You were able to actually mouth the words after they played the last chorus and you were a quick learner, so you memorized the repeated words easily after the third time. You scrolled through your feed a few more minutes until your order finally arrived.

“Enjoy, miss.” The waiter winked at you. He was probably in his mid-20s, he had warm brown eyes and a sweet smile. His dark hair was slicked back as you stared a little longer than you should. He was obviously attractive, but, you didn’t say anything back to him. You just smiled back in a friendly manner and uttered silenced thanks.

After sitting by yourself for about a half and an hour, like all good things, the show must come to an end. Steve Rogers concluded the show with a final thank you and goodnight as the spotlight shut down, like the drapes closing over a theatrical show. The crowd clapped and some of them started leaving, while others immediately went to the bar to quench the thirst from screaming along to volatile rock music and jumping up and down, getting lost in the tune.

Natasha patted your back as she jumped on the empty chair next to you. Thank God, she was quick on her feet, otherwise, she wouldn’t have been able to get a seat. “Hey! God, I need a full shot of whiskey right now.”

“Yeah, go crazy.”

She scoffed. “Huh. As if that wasn’t crazy enough, back there.” She signalled the bartender to make an order. “So, what do you think? That was fun, right?” The cute bartender from earlier walked to her as he asked her what would she like to drink and she quickly replied.

“Yeah, they’re pretty good.”

“Pretty good? They’re damn talented. Especially the drummer back there. He totally killed it.”

“Yeah, okay, they are amazing. But you know their music isn’t my kind of music, so can’t say I really enjoyed it that much.”

“Okay, but you must’ve at least enjoyed the view, right? Don’t think I didn’t catch you and bass boy making several eye contacts back there.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You took another sip of your glass to cover your embarrassment.

“Oh my God, you totally do! Look at you blushing!”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are! Admit it! You like Bucky, don’t you?” She playfully pushed you to tease you.

“Oh my God, shut up Nat! You’re causing a scene!” You tried to lower yourself, now that you’re able to speak in a normal volume.

“Nope, I won’t stop until you admit it. Don’t worry, y/n, Bucky’s always been a charmer, so I totally get your attraction.”

That caused a peculiar sickness in your chest. It’s not like you were falling in love with Bucky, no. You didn’t even know him enough to like him. He may be an eye-candy but if he’s really as “charming” as everyone is saying, then that means, he’s one of those dangerous fuckboys that you should avoid at all cost. Because that means, he’s probably only going to manipulate you into thinking that he really cares for you, when in reality, he only wanted to get in your pants. Nope, not gonna happen to you. You weren’t going to be a new notch in his belt.

“Well, then that means he is bad news and that gives me even more reason to feel anything but attraction toward him.”

“Oh, no, y/n, I don’t mean it like that. He’s really sweet, and he’s always been the most chill one in the group. Trust me, you’re gonna love him. Just, give him a chance first, alright? I’ve known him long enough to know that he’s into you.”

“Into me? Nat, he doesn’t even know my name.”

“He will.” She winked again, as she took a sip of her whiskey.

Not long after that, Clint appeared from behind, without Nat realizing. He surprised her by wrapping her waist from behind as he whispered into her ears; “how’s my best girl?” Nat was slightly stunned but as soon as she realized it was her boyfriend, her expression instantly turned into a joyful one. “Hi, baby!” They immediately smooched as she wrapped her arms around his neck while standing face to face now.

“Did you like the show?”

“I loved the show, you guys killed it as always. Oh, and by the way, this is y/n, my number one bestie and the best roommate anyone could ever ask for. Now you finally meet her in person!” Her excitement was genuine.

“Hi, y/n! Heard so many great things about you, but you probably can’t say the same, huh?”

“No, actually I can. Nat wouldn’t stop talking about you every night even when I’m blatantly ignoring her.” You joked.

“Well, is that right?” He looked at Nat to assess the truth on her face.

“Yep,” you carried on. “She would say you’re hot, funny and kind, and all these wonderful things. Including the ones that I’m not supposed to hear.”

They laughed. They kissed once more, as Clint stood next to her seat, ordering a drink for himself. Next to you, you could hear Nat saying, “oh, where are the boys? Are they not thirsty?”

“They’re just packing up, babe, they’re gonna join us in a few.”

“Good, ‘cause I think there’s someone y/n would like to meet.” She teasingly wiggled her eyebrows at you, as you sent her a murderous glare. Your lips silently mouthed, “what the fuck?” but Clint picked up her tone and he quickly got the message.

“Oooh, who is it? Is it Steve, Bucky, Sam? Just let me know which one you like and I’ll deliver them at your door tonight, y/n. They’re all single and ready to mingle anytime now.”

You laughed nervously. “No, no, no, no. Nat’s just saying shit.”

She turned her head to her boyfriend and shook it. “No, I’m not. She and Bucky practically eye fucked on stage.”

You instantly slapped her arm, staring deadly into her eyes. “Ouch!” She put her hand on the spot that you struck, even though it wasn’t even that hard. Classic Nat. Dramatic as always. “Nat, you can’t just–”

Before you even managed to finish your sentence, she darted her eyes to somewhere behind you as she pointed at whatever got her distracted. “Oh, here they are!” She smirked. She raised her eyebrows at you before she stood on her feet and hugged the anticipated men.

“Hey, guys! Killer show back there!” Nat started hugging Sam and he kissed her cheek, and then she moved onto Steve and the last one to join was Bucky. You muttered ‘shit’ to yourself as you pondered on how you should act. Should you act like nothing ever happened during the show between you two? Or were you going to address the elephant in the room, and just straight up flirt with him, now that he wasn’t being so closely watched anymore?

You didn’t know which would be the best option so you just took a big gulp and drank down the entire glass of Rum you had left. Maybe if you were less sober, you wouldn't excessively overthink. You weren’t even sure whether he was really staring at you or not. For all you knew, he could be staring at another beautiful girl in the crowd that was standing beside or behind you. And if you act impulsively now, this would be like that cheesy moment on Rom-Coms, where a girl waved back to the guy who she thought was waving at her but it turns out, he was actually waving at another girl who was coming from the same direction as her.

Nope, you weren’t going to be that girl.

So you just smiled and nodded along as Natasha introduced you to the rest of the boys. You didn’t want to be rude so you sat on your chair, facing them with an interested look, even though all you wanted to do was just shrink and leave this goddamn place.

“Hey guys, here’s my bomb-ass bestie slash roomie. Her name’s y/n! Isn’t she stunning?”

When Steve was about to offer his hand to you, Sam immediately inserted himself in front of you and Steve. “Well, hello, good-lookin’. Can I buy you a drink?” Sam, being the cool dude he was, he leaned back against the bar counter on his elbows as he shamelessly flirted with you.

“Nope, thank you. I just had one.”

“Oh, you look like you could use another one. Here, let me get that for you.” He cued the bartender to make an order and you instantly tried to stop him, telling him that it wasn't necessary, but it looks like the bartender was already taking his order for you.

And then, out of nowhere, Bucky suddenly stooped in like a hero. “Hey, Sam, why don’t you back off? This one’s mine, alright?” That elicited a questioning look out of you. “Mine?” He didn’t even know you.

“Oh wait, so this is the one you told us about in the dressing room?” What the hell? You thought. They were talking about you as if you weren’t there at all.

“Yep, so why don’t you fuck off and get out of here before I get myself drunk enough to shit on your bed?” His tone was menacing but you could tell that this was a normal, daily conversation between the two.

“Jeez, alright. I’mma leave. You don’t need to wave your dick all over my face.” Before Sam moved to another spot, he patted you on the back and said, “good luck.”

What? What the hell was that for? The bartender came in with your order and served another glass of Rum right in front of you.

“You don’t need to drink that if you don’t want to.” He carefully spoke to you, as if he was trying to not scare you away.

“No, I think I need to. Tonight’s been a pretty crazy night.” You took a sip, the cold drink felt nice on your tongue.

He chuckled. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“Oh, how crazy can it be for you? Isn’t this like, what you do, every night?”

“Yeah, but, you never really get used to it, you know? Sometimes you just wanna sit in the bar and have a nice talk with a pretty gal and hide in the booth or something.”

That… Warmed up your heart. Damn, if this is his way of flirting, it was truly working. You could see now why everyone was calling him ‘a charmer.’ He really had a way with words. And stares. His baby blues really know how to captivate you and froze you on spot.

“I’m Bucky, by the way.” He offered his hand to shake yours.

“I’m y/n.” You shook it with a smile.

“Did you like the show?” He asked.

“Gotta be honest with you, buddy, your music isn’t exactly my kind of music. But you guys were awesome.”

He paused for a moment as if he was contemplating what he was going to say next. “Think I got a little distracted up there.”

“Oh yeah? Why is that?”

“Cause there was this pretty lady in a red dress that I couldn’t take my eyes off of.” His gaze even grew more intense now. He was looking at you like you were the only thing in the room. Then his eyes darted to your lips, as he licked his. And before you knew it, he started inching his face closer to yours as he held his gaze on your plump, painted lips, while you could feel his breath more and more as the seconds went by.

And then… His lips were on yours. It’s like the clock just stopped ticking and every noise faded into the background and you were the only two people in the room. His lips felt soft against yours, and the way he licked your bottom lip made your head spin. You ajarred your mouth to let his tongue enter as it got tangled with yours.

You were aware that Nat, Clint and Steve who were having a conversation are now watching you like hawks, but you couldn’t care less. Not when Bucky’s hands grabbed your face, so he could have more control over your mouth. You were practically out of breath by the time he looked into your eyes, that are now slightly darker than a few seconds ago. He loved the sight of you, with your lips slightly swollen.

“Let’s go somewhere more secluded.” You could only nod and then took his hand after he offered you his as you got off the stool. He led the way and you couldn’t help but notice the glances that were thrown by several women along the way. They were staring at him with incontrovertible full of hunger eyes, one even shamelessly put her hand on his shoulder, as she coquettishly smiled at him. Bucky only smiled back and nodded at her but he kept walking with you in his hand.

Even if you were practically a pair, you felt invisible. Everyone’s eyes were on you, but not precisely on you. This must’ve been something normal to him, you thought. You weren’t used to big crowds and inundated with attention, and you weren’t used with unquestionably holding a stranger’s hand and letting him take you wherever he had in mind. But you did anyway, and you weren’t having second thoughts.

Bucky led you to the cramped lavatory and locked the door. The lack of space made it even harder for you to breathe when Bucky was this close to you. He pressed his body to yours, as he kissed you once more. Slowly, but you felt the spell in your bones. “All I could think about on stage was tasting those luscious lips.”

You were spellbound by his magic. You could barely speak another word when his baby blue eyes were looking at you so intensely like that. But you gathered every cell in your body to utter the words anyway, “do it again, then.” You boldly challenged him.

He grinned a Cheshire cat smile. He grabbed your face again and eagerly consume you with his mouth. He then moved his hands to the back of your thighs to elevate you onto the sink. He put his hand on your thigh and the other hand went to the back of your head as he grabbed a fistful of your hair, while still kissing you even deeper.

He pulled away to stare at your distraught state and asked the question, “can I touch you?”

You licked your lips, as you nodded. “Please.” His mouth was on yours again, as the hand that was on your thigh moved to the bottom your dress, delicately inserted his fingers to feel you against your red lace panties. You could feel yourself growing wetter and wetter as he motions his fingers in circle harder.

Your breath quickened. Your mind was getting hazy as the second passes by. The right strep of your dress had fallen off of your shoulder, and Bucky utilized that opportunity to pull down the other strap and he began groping your breast, tenderly pinching your nipple. That elicited a petite yelp out of you. He groped your breast once more as he was still toying with your nipple.

He began kissing your neck, shortly finding your sensitive spot as you threw your head back. You shuddered. Your hands grabbed his hair, wanting to feel him closer. “Bu- Bucky… Please. I need to feel you.”

You didn’t wait for his response and immediately lifted up his shirt. You were stunned by the sight under the dimmed light of the bathroom. Clothes really didn’t do this man any justice. He should never be allowed to wear any coverups, ever again now that you had seen him. He was sculpted by the Gods themselves. His biceps felt robust in your dainty hands and the V-shaped line on his hips led to somewhere you really wanted to wrap your lips around.

Your hands quickly zipped down his jeans and his boxer along with it, and you didn’t hesitate in feeling his throbbing member right there, right then. It felt tremendous in your trembling hands, and you felt it getting harder with every stoke of your palm.

“Oh, fuck, doll, don’t stop.” His voice was raspy in your ears. It was the sexiest goddamn sound you had ever heard.

“Yeah, just like that. Go faster, doll.” He sucked your earlobe and his hand fisted your hair, making a mess out of it. You didn’t mind one bit. You wanted to be a mess for him and only for him. You somehow still managed to pamper him with all the senses you had left, even if your mind was clouded with every part of him.

“Bucky, put it in me. Please.” You begged with a quavering voice.

“Your wish is my command, doll.” In a second, he pushed into you and it sent an electrifying jolt all over your nerves. You threw your head back in mingled pain and pleasure. He felt even more full now that he was fully seated inside you. He lifted you from the sink and pushed you to the wall on the opposite.

You circled your arms around his neck as your back was slammed against the concrete. Then Bucky began thrusting vigorously. You shut your eyes and moaned his name. Bucky, on the other hand, didn’t. He kept his eyes wide open to watch you with full attention. He loved seeing the way you were drunk in him. The way you forgot your name more and more every time he slammed back into you.

He loved the squelching noises ringing in his ears, better than the melody he was used to creating in the studio. The sound of your heartbeat was far more gratifying than the way Clint played his drum. Oh, how he could write an entire album solely about you in this state alone.

“You feel so good around me, doll. So. Fucking. Tight.” Your moans became louder with his filthy words in your ears.

“I’m gonna make you mine.” This time, his voice was sultry. It was rather beguiling than mortifying.

His hips kept moving and out of you with a vehement tempo, and then just like that, you crumbled. You screamed your pleasure, not caring if anyone could hear you. Bucky was still moving, trying to reach his own climax. Shortly, he was with you. He unleashed his cum deep inside you, adding the mess that was dripping all over your thighs.

You were a beautiful mess. And Bucky loved it.

After a few minutes, coming down from your high, you breathed into Bucky’s neck, not wanting for it to be over yet. You were a little scared that Bucky was going to walk out and pretend nothing ever happened between you. You didn’t know how many bathroom stalls Bucky had brought different women to and fucked them silly right there. You had a lot do unravel about him, yet, you weren’t certain whether he wanted to let you in or not.

“You okay?” Bucky whispered into your ear. You only nodded, still a little hazy from ecstasy.

“I’m gonna put you down now, yeah?”

“Okay.” He slowly set you on your feet, as he was still staring at your face. You leaned against the wall, trying not to collapse. Bucky picked up his shirt and put it back on along with his jeans and boxer.

“Let’s get out of here.” Bucky offered you his hand, like the gentleman that he was as if he hadn't just fucked you into oblivion in a public restroom.

You took his hand with a smile. You didn’t know what was going to happen after you walk out of the door, but you were going to savour every second of being in his arm if this was going to be last time you’ll ever see him.

You went home with a contented smile on your face. You were like a teenage girl who had just been asked to prom by her crush. How could you not, when Bucky offered to walk you home and left a kiss on your cheek before he called it a night?

Natasha was going to stay at Clint’s hotel, so you were supposed to walk home alone. You knew eventually this was going to happen but Natasha and Clint used it as a reason so Bucky and you would spend the night together too. You didn’t mind one bit, though. You wanted to elongate your time with Bucky and your wish was granted.

You offered him to come inside and stay for a little while, you were secretly hoping that you could go for the second round, but Bucky only chuckled and shook his head.

“Not tonight, doll. I ain’t that kinda man. And you need rest. But I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah?” Then you and Bucky exchanged your numbers and he waited until you were really gone from his sight.

You walked up to your dorm with butterflies in your stomach and sparks fly all trailing over your footsteps. Thank God, Natasha wasn’t here. If she were, she would’ve relentlessly teased you all night and made you admit that she was right to coerce you to come.

And you would’ve had to admit that she was right. And you didn’t like admitting that you were wrong.

But tonight, you were going to admit it to yourself though. Sometimes, doing something that frightens you the most would endue you in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine.

And you were going to thank your lucky stars tonight for embedding Natasha Romanoff in your life because, without her, you would’ve stayed in your shell and Bucky could’ve fucked someone else in that restroom instead of you.

That might’ve happened in another universe, but not tonight. Tonight it was you and you were really hoping that you were going to see him again in your dreams tonight. You had one taste of him and it wasn’t enough.

Bucky texted you not long after you took a shower.

“Dreaming of me, yet?” Wink emoji.

“Well, if I were, I wouldn’t be texting you right now, would I?”

“That’s true, but at least you’d be drenching your sheets because of me and I don’t think I have a problem with that.”

“I don’t need you to do that, maybe I can use some toys in my drawers tonight. They seem pretty bored.” Thinking emoji.

“Oh, doll, you are killing me here…” Drool emoji.

“You like it.”

“I do.”

“Goodnight, Bucky.”

“Goodnight, doll. Thinking of you here.”

You turned off your phone and the screen went black. You changed into your pyjamas and washed off the remnants of your makeup and let the slumber take over you.

Bucky’s face loomed over you, somewhere in a fancy balcony, the view of the city stretching over, added to the beauty of the scenery. He was wearing a navy blue suit with a white dress shirt and no tie. The first couple of buttons were unbuttoned, giving you a majestic picture that he was. His hands that were in his pockets, took yours as you exerted yours to him.

He leaned in with a bright smile under his stubbly face, his blue eyes sparkled like Sirius star.

“Fly with me, doll.”

“What if I fall?”

“Then I’ll catch you.”

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ladyvader23 · 3 years

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Why I Think FanFiction is Important and Should be Normalized

I like to listen to youtube or podcasts while I play video games, usually on informational subjects. The other day I thought, “Maybe there’s some interesting fanfic commentators out there like there are for fiction writers!”

Oh boy. I was wrong.

There were a few one off videos. There’s one wonderful channel that I already knew about that talks about it (ColeyDoesThings). But the majority of videos were so negative. They were usually making fun of fics they considered bad or creepy, as if that represents all fanfic.

On top of that, I’ve met a lot of people both online and in real life who are either afraid to admit that they write fanfic, or they think fanfic is weird because of these popular depictions of fanfic in media.

Before I continue, I think it’s really important to say that it’s totally fine to not want to talk about your writing or reading habits. I had a friend who had to hide writing fanfic because her parents would ground her if she did. I’ve had other friends who just see it as a hobby and they don’t want to draw attention to it, and I’ve had some who hide it because they’re legitimately worried about how people will react. That’s completely valid and I totally support that 100%. Do what makes you happy and safe!

For me, though, I make it a point to be open about the role fanfiction has in my life. Without fanfiction, I wouldn’t have the job I have, or the friends I’ve made. I wouldn’t feel like me without it. For a long time, fanfiction was the only support I had to pursue who I wanted to be.

This is my story.

I have a learning disability. That in itself is a really long story, so to make it short, it made writing really, really difficult. English was consistently my lowest grade throughout my entire childhood and teen years. My English teachers HATED me. I can count...maybe two or three teachers who treated me like my writing had any worth?

And what was worse is that I didn’t even know what I had to explain it to anyone until halfway through high school. By then, any “help” the school system had ever offered me was tailored to issues I didn’t have, and my mother had to explain every single year to my IEP coordinators what help I actually needed.

I started writing fanfic probably when I was in seventh grade? It was hand written and was for Final Fantasy 10. I never published it, but I still remember the plot. My first published fanfic was for InuYasha. It was collaborative with my cousin, and it was reaaaaally badly written. I don’t even remember the title, actually, but it was a wild fic. It was my first real opportunity to experience fandom, to hear anything back from readers about what they thought of my writing. And I learned from that experience. I learned even more as I branched out to other fandoms. And because I had readers, it encouraged me to actually practice by writing more.

While fanfic comments can be negative and unproductive, I’ve had plenty of readers very nicely point out “hey, when someone else starts speaking, that’s a new paragraph.” Literally, I’d NEVER known that before someone said it in a review. I’ve also had people point out good grammar resources that I could use. I had people offer insight on how story structure works and doesn’t work. I learned about giving characters real flaws. I learned about creating conflicts that people actually care about and relate to. Most of these comments weren’t meant to educate, necessarily, but when people reacted a certain way, I wondered, “Why do they feel that way? What did I do right, what did I do wrong? How can I improve?” Then I tried out whatever I learned in a new story or chapter.

And yeah. Sometimes people just don’t jive with a story, or they’re trolls. But you know what? I learned from that too! I learned how to respond or not respond when people just don’t like what you’ve written and there’s nothing you can really do about it. That’s a skill I’ve translated into other parts of my life outside of writing.

Through all of this, from my first fanfic to the ones I write now, I’ve learned so much about my writing and about who I am as a person. I’ve had the opportunity to meet so many cool people from all over the world, which in itself has been a seriously positive, life-changing experience!

But much of my life, I was constantly being told that I couldn’t do it, to not even bother trying. I’d go to school where I had teachers who took one look at my IEP and before they’d even given my writing a chance, treated me like a failure. I once tried to show one of my teachers one of my stories. It was a Twilight fanfic (I was sixteen and it was the height of the craze). I knew my teacher loved Twilight, and I’d seen her make connections with other students over their shared interest. I just wanted to connect with her, too, to show that even though my strength isn’t in what she wanted me to write, I still mattered. I still had a place in her classroom. But I didn’t even finish asking her to read a little before she told me she was “too busy” (and then proceeded to give me an F because I did the entire worksheet, not “just the even number questions.” Like seriously, what?).

It was really conflicting. On one hand, fanfic was so much fun, I had positive and constructive feedback on my stories, and I felt like I’d improved enough to go toe-to-toe with anyone else naturally gifted in writing. On the other hand, I had every authority figure in my life telling me to not bother. When I went to college, I really wasn’t sure I knew what to do. I had dreams to be a writer, but maybe people online were just being nice and I was better off doing something else.

But I signed up to major in English anyway, and to my surprise, my college professors were way more supportive. Feedback was actually constructive. I didn’t have any kind of IEP equivalent attached to my name or record, which...brings up a lot of other concerns I have about the American education system because seriously, why are we judging people’s abilities like that??? But for the first time, I felt like I had a real chance. I graduated in English education, and though I left education because I have a lot of issues with how America runs its education system, I still work in a job where I write their entire policy and procedures. I literally write all day, and when I’m done with work, I write either my fanfiction or my own personal WIP.

If I hadn’t had any of that positive experience with fanfic and the community that surrounds it, I wouldn’t have made the decision to do English as my major in college. I wouldn’t have a job I love. I wouldn’t have the friends I have. I feel like as a whole, I wouldn’t have as much passion as I do for stories...which is a HUGE part of who I am!

I talk openly and positively about fanfic because there are others out there who might be like me. If all they hear about is how dorky or weird or creepy fanfic is, then that might scare them off. And what if fanfic leads them to supportive, wonderful friends? What if it leads them to a career option that makes them really happy? Or, you know, what if they just want to have a lot of fun and fanfic can do that for them (because you can totally just have fun, you don’t HAVE to learn or get anything else from fanfic)?

I think we need to normalize fanfiction. Yes, there are negatives, we shouldn’t not address those, but when it’s positive, let’s talk about that! I think this particular site is really good at that, but I mean in real life. Maybe on other platforms too, I don’t know. I just have a lot of feelings about why fanfic is so important, and I just wanted to share my story to at least explain some of that.

Feel free to add your own experiences, I’d love to hear them from either writers of fanfic or readers!

#writing #fanfic #my story #long post #personal

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starkerforlife6969 · 5 years

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Starker Highschool AU - Natasha is Tony’s sister

“Keep it down tomorrow tonight, short stack. My boyfriend’s coming over after school and I’m not sure he wants to hear you mangling the violin.”

Natasha looks up from her homework and stares at her brother in the doorway; lips parted in surprise. Tony’s going for nonchalant, which of course, she can see through in an instant. He may be two years older than her, but Natasha is a particularly observant fifteen year old. “Your boyfriend?” She says, a grin spreading across her face when Tony shifts a little uncomfortably.

“Yes.” He bristles, not quite making eye-contact. “My boyfriend.”

“Since when do you-“

“Since none of your business. Gonna be chill about this or not?”

She lifts her eyebrows and mimes zipping her lips. Tony half-smiles at her: soft and gentle, the sort of smile that says she’s the only one he’s told about his boyfriend, the sort of smile that lets her know that even though he’s a complete dick, he’s a good guy at heart, and a good brother too. She loves him, really. So she says: “My silence will only cost you thirty dollars.”

He smirks at her, and tosses some cash onto her bed. “Jokes on you, short stuff, I was prepared to go to fifty.” And then he wraps his knuckles against her doorframe, and disappears down the hall.

She huffs, rolling her eyes, and turning back to her notebook.

But she doesn’t stop thinking about it. Tony, her brother, Tony has a boyfriend.

Tony doesn’t do boyfriends. He does hook-ups at parties that become the talk of the school and Nat tries not to listen to the gossip or the rumour mill as it goes around and around. A few times, older kids have come up to her, tried to ascertain the truth over a certain one-night stand and she’ll glare at them until they turn away.

But a boyfriend. He must be special. She taps her pencil against her desk and thinks. Is it someone from school? Maybe. She wonders who.

She wonders what they might be like and shudders a little.

Tony dresses like a complete douchebag. He rides his stupid motorbike to school (and okay, yes he does give her a ride from time to time which is pretty cool, but also, no, he’s her big brother, so he’s not cool at all), and he wears black leather jackets and sunglasses inside. He thinks he’s better than everyone else and brags about all his science fair trophies with no degree of humility.

He’s cocky, arrogant and constantly sarcastic.

She can only imagine what horror his boyfriend will be.

Still, she rolls her neck and turns back to her work, it’s only a high school romance, and she knows from experience that those don’t last.

*** “Your hair looks-“ Bruce trips over his shoelaces and hastily rightens himself “-really nice. R-really good.”

She smiles, flicking the vibrant red for effect. “Scarlet suits me, right?”

Bruce nods eagerly, and nearly careens right into an open locker. She catches him by his backpack last minute, and he smiles gratefully.

“So, your brother’s in my brother’s grade, right?” She asks.

Bruce nods as he starts slotting in his textbooks. “Sure, why?”

“Apparently,” she drops her voice into a whisper, not trusting the roaming ears of the hallway, “Tony has a boyfriend?”

Bruce blinks in surprise, before shaking his head and grinning. “Your brother is so cool, honestly, I want to be just like him when I-“

Natasha resists the urge to throttle him, and decides that since Bruce is in science-infatuation mode over her brother’s lame AI tech, that maybe the best person to ask is Clint. She shoots him a text and he replies by saying he’s got a free period later.

The bell rings and Bruce locks up. “Good luck on your recital this Friday! I wish I could make it!”

Nat shrugs, slinging her backpack on. “It’s just another violin thing. You’ll catch the next one.” And then she reaches forward and ruffles his hair.

Bruce bats at her, and scurries away.

* Clint, as it turns out, has information.

It’s not a boy from this school, but-

“Murberry Academy across town,” he says, mouth full of chips. The teacher on duty keeps glaring at him, but he hasn’t noticed. “That’s what I heard.”

Natasha leans back in her chair, thinking. She doesn’t know anyone from Murberry Academy. But she does know about it. “Super preppy school- the one with the blue blazers?”

Clint nods, licking cheesy dust off his fingers. She tries not to make a face. Boys are gross. “Yeah. So, your brother probably met his bae at a party or something.”

She does make a face at that. “Not bae. Never say that again. You’re banned.”

“Hey, Nat?” Comes a whispered voice, and Natasha turns only to feel her whole face bloom bright red as Pepper leans over with her stupid gorgeous face- “Do you have a pen I can borrow? Mine ran out?”

Natasha hands one over with sweaty fingers and what she hopes is a smile, but might be a grimace-

“Well that,” Clint mutters, laughing and choking on his snack, “was smooth.”

Natasha hits him, and it’s worth the apology the teacher makes her give.

There’s a big part of her that wants to play really loud music that night. Howard and Maria are out, like normal, and she knows Tony is getting ready. She wants to blast Taylor Swift or one of her podcasts, or maybe practise for her recital- but there’s thirty dollars in her purse, and she doesn’t want Tony to chicken out.

She’s curious.

So, when she hears Tony leave his room, she bolts out of hers, and follows him to the kitchen.

He’s wearing a tight black tee and dark jeans, and his hair is messy in that bedhead kind of way that meant he spent ages on it-

“Oh god,” he groans when he sees her, shooing her away. “Go. You’re banished.”

She laughs, sitting up at the breakfast bar in her pyjamas and shakes her head. “No way. I wanna meet him. What’s his name?”

Tony rolls his eyes, and he starts pulling stuff out of the cupboards. Flour, sugar, eggs- Nat frowns and wonders just how nervous he is. “Oh, right, his name, how could I forget? It’s- none of your business.” And then he pats her head with the newspaper.

She reaches forward and grabs the pot of frosting he’s taken out, popping the lid and digging out some with her finger. She’s watching her brother through her lashes, trying to be discreet, because he’s agitated, pacing, he’s a little sweaty, which is- weird. He must- the thought seems odd, he must really care about this guy.

So, she swallows her frosting, and goes for casual: “You know, Spongebob-Uglypants, I’ll probably like him, right? I like Clint, and Clint is a piece of garbage sometimes.”

Tony relaxes, just a little. “He’s uh- special.” He admits, rubbing the back of his neck.

Natasha wants to say: high school relationships don’t last and how long have you even known him?

But she doesn’t. She just offers the chocolate icing to Tony who takes some gratefully.

And then the doorbell rings.

Nat beams and Tony groans, and goes to answer it.

There’s silence for a moment and then-

“Oh my god, you taste like chocolate!” Comes a bubbly voice, and Natasha frowns, because that doesn’t sound like a motorbike riding, black leather wearing piece of boyfriend material-

And then they walk in.

She can’t help but sputter.

The guy next to Tony is- he’s- what the fuck.

He’s all small and dainty, with pastel highlights in his curly, light brown hair. He’s wearing a pink sweater and beige corduroys and he looks like- he’s- sweet- and friendly looking and- he smiles brightly once he sees her, and Natasha cannot compute because her brother is all in black, stone-faced and sarcastic, but this boy is-

“You must be Natasha!” He squeals delightedly, bounding forward with an outstretched hand. She shakes it in disbelief, eyes flitting to Tony for confirmation that this is a joke. It must be. “Tony’s told me so much about you! Oh my gosh, you guys look so alike!”

At that, both Tony and Natasha recoil.

Tony grabs Peter’s wrist, tugs him into his side and settles a hand instinctively onto his waist and Peter cuddles him automatically.

Oh god. This isn’t a joke.

This is- this is Tony’s boyfriend, this is-

“Peter,” Tony introduces, “this is my sister. She’s promised not to be annoying today.”

“Don’t think I promised that,” Natasha quips, finally dragged out of her stunned silence. She looks over Peter again, at the bright colours and big honey eyes. “Peter, how did you and my brother meet?”

Tony looks pained. “We don’t have to-“

“Oh, it’s so sweet!” Peter gushes, “I go to Murberry and we were having a decathlon contest against your school and I got lost on my way back from the bathroom and I ran into Tony! He was so sweet and funny! And we just hit it off, right, my gorgeous scientist?” Peter nuzzles Tony’s neck and presses a sweet kiss to his cheek and Natasha bites back her laugh because this is brilliant.

She needs to start recording this.

Tony looks like he’d kill her if she tried.

“That’s right, babe,” Tony sighs, sounding resigned to his fate.

Peter pouts up at him. “No, call me by the nickname you call me all the time-“

Natasha can’t help the giggle that slips out, and Tony glares at her without any heat before whispering: ‘bambi’ right into Peter’s ear.

Oh god. This is everything. Her brother is a softie. Oh god. His weakness is pretty boys who are on decathlon teams-

“We’re about to make cookies for the charity fun run winners, Nat!” Peter exclaims, as he and Tony walk around the counter. “Do you want to join us? Oh Tony! You got the white flour just like my Uncle- you didn’t have to! You are so sweet!” And he’s tiptoeing and kissing Tony again and-

This is brilliant. Her brother is a sweet, thoughtful softie. He’s not a cool guy at all. And all the ingredients on the counter now make sense.

Tony gives her a look that says: stay and die.

So, she decides to do him a favour. “I would, Peter,” she smiles warmly, because Peter is sweet and she likes him enormously. “But I have a lot of homework to do. Say bye before you go though, okay?”

“Okay! Good luck on your homework!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Tony mutters, practically shoving her out.

For the rest of the evening, she hears Peter’s giggles and her brothers own, softer laughs. Laughter she’s never heard from him. She hears the low murmur of their conversation, and then silences where she tries not to think too hard about what’s happening.

When it hits midnight, and she needs to go to bed, she leaves her bedroom to tell Peter goodnight, and she finds her brother and his boyfriend on the couch, snuggled into each other, watching an old Friends episode.

“Natasha,” Peter blinks drowsily, sitting up. He’s so cute, he’s like a deer- oh. Bambi. “Hey,” he smiles, “wha’ time is it?”

She smiles back, “it’s almost midnight.”

“I need to be heading home,” Peter sighs, and Tony grumbles, half-asleep.

“Stay the night, bambi, please.”

Peter blushes a little, and kisses Tony’s nose. “I wish I could, handsome.”

Tony yawns, forcing himself up. “I’ll pick you up after practise tomorrow,” he promises, kissing Peter on the mouth, and Nat looks away politely.

“Only if you bring a spare helmet,” Peter chirps, and Tony swats at him but misses. His fingers are curled into Peter’s sweater, like he doesn’t want him to go, and Natasha can’t-

It was funny, before, with the flour in their hair and the pet names, but now- it’s just sweet and soft and warm and-

She thinks of Pepper and feels a little lonely.

After bidding Peter goodnight, Tony stares at her, as if waiting for the jokes to come, but she doesn’t have any. Okay, she does, but not for tonight.

“He’s nice,” she says, as lightly as she can, “I like him a lot. Plus, the house smells like cookies. It’s a yes from me.”

Tony scratches his chin where his awful, patchy, teenage stubble is starting to make an appearance. “It’s a yes from me too, squirt,” he says fondly, and they both go to bed.

* Natasha’s a protective little sister, just like Tony can be a protective older brother, so she stalks Peter’s facebook a little.

It’s all just gut-wrenchingly charming.

He posts an inordinate amount of cat memes but also lots of photos of him and Tony, and in all of them, Tony is a stoic-faced figure, effortless suave and leaning back with perfect hair in dark clothes, with Peter as his rainbow-splashed companion, with his huge smile and sun-dappled freckles.

Peter tags Tony in pretty much every post she sees and Tony replies to them all without fail.

Her brother is a sap, and honestly, Natasha’s kind of here for it.

Peter adds her on facebook and she hits accept- and then suddenly she’s getting tagged in stuff.

Stuff like tag the prettiest girl you know and who rocks red hair the best and- damn it, she’s getting more and more fond.

She hopes they don’t break up. She hopes high school relationships last.

Peter even comes to her recital. Rushes up to her back stage afterwards, flushed with glee, and gushes over how “amazing you are- oh god, you’re just- you’re amazing! Please tell me you want to be a violinist when you grow up.”

She laughs, glowing with pride and the rush of the performance, and shakes her head. “I don’t think so, it’s just a hobby. I’m glad you liked it though, Peter.”

“I just- Tony said how good you were, but you blew me away and-“

“Wait.” She cuts him off; surprised, “Tony said I was good?” Her arrogant, know it all brother said-

Peter rolls his eyes like she’s being silly. “He’s always talking about you! I feel like I already know you! He brags about you all the time. How you’re a black belt already, and how you stood up for that girl by punching that waiter in the face! And that he loves listening to you play- he’s come to all your recitals!”

She shakes her head, heart pounding with emotion. “That’s not- he hasn’t-“

Peter laughs, eyes crinkling, “he has! He takes a photo of you each time, he has an album on his phone- oh wait.” Peter suddenly looks worried, “that might be a present for you- oh no! Act surprised? Please?”

She can’t find the words.

She pulls Peter into a hug and shakes her head. “Tell my idiot brother I love him okay? And tell him to never let you go.” She says into his ear.

Peter beams, and kisses her cheek. “Okay! And there’s someone waiting to talk to you outside! They asked me to tell you!” And then he’s gone, no doubt to his very-in-love boyfriend aka her brother. Will wonders never cease?

Natasha puts on her coat, and goes out into the cool, crisp air of the parking lot.

Pepper’s standing there, holding a rose.

#starker #tony x peter #high school au #young tony #young peter #fluff #tooth rotting fluff #happy ending #dating #tony and natasha are siblings #natasha x pepper #tony is a softie #tony stark has a heart #slightly fem peter #precious peter parker #petnames #cute shit honestly #well i think so #popular tony

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notjanine · 3 years

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2020 in books!

the only kind of new year’s resolution i made as a naive baby last january was to try to read 40 books for the year. (i read 37 in 2019, for context.) well, with all of my commuting time eliminated and an increased need for immersive escapism, i ended up surpassing that goal three times over lmao (thanks library ebooks!)

idk how to summarize my year in books in a way that makes sense but

(f) = fiction, (nf) = nonfiction, (p) = poetry.

books that rewired my fucking brain:

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer (nf)- GOD?!?!?! good. dr. k is right. ostensibly a book about plants, but actually a book about shut up and go outside. consumerism and capitalism are doing their damnedest to fuck you up, but you can just choose to value different things. take care of yourself by taking care of your environment. etc etc.

wasp by richard jones (nf)- lissen. when i got this book, my wasp-phobia was so severe that i had to put it away face down on a high shelf because there are wasps on the cover and i couldn’t bear to RISK even GLIMPSING them. now i am like... a wasp evangelist. (also due to the bugs 101 course on coursera it’s so good.)

wag by zazie todd (nf)- i have a dog, but i am NOT a Dog Person (i.e. i love my dog, but please keep yours away from me, thanks.) this book helped me understand my little guy better, plus it gives actionable tasks and activities to do with and for your pup! plus, y’know, learning about things you’re scared of helps to lessen that fear. i’d recommend this to anyone who has, wants, or regularly interacts with a dog.

a closed and common orbit by becky chambers (f)- is this series complete fluff? absolutely. am i fundamentally different after reading this one? maybe.

the best we could do by thi bui (nf)- this is so far outside of my personal experience but somehow still made me come to peace with my relationship with my mom?? and it’s barely even about that?? idk. this is probably objectively the best book i’ve read this year.

books that were just fun as hell:

mexican gothic by silvia moreno-garcia (f)- this book made me YELL out loud

death on the nile by agatha christie (f)- i grew up on agatha christie shows, but never actually read her before this year! she really was That Bitch. read this before the movie comes out

cosmoknights by hannah templer (f)- i read this in one sitting through the worst headache i’ve had in years. it is a goddamn DELIGHT. this book has everything: spaceships. mech suits. fighting the patriarchy. a perfect otp. fun art in bright colors with clean lines. onomatopoetic WAPs from before the song gave that hilarious context. 800 lesbians. this is an antidepressant in graphic novel form.

stiff by mary roach (nf)- ms. roach is like the 4th most represented author on my bookshelf because she 1. stays writing about shit i’m interested in and 2. manages to talk about gross and ridiculous things without resorting to sensationalism. it takes skill to write a hilarious book about corpses.

black sun by rebecca roanhorse (f)- excellent sexual tension between a horny siren pirate and a hot doomed... monk, kinda? set in the pre-columbian gulf of mexico with magic and shit.

cuisine chinoise by zao dao (? n/f)- this graphic novel about chinese food history/mythology is BEAUTIFUL.

the color of magic by terry pratchett (f)- you’d think a hardcore douglas adams stan would have gotten to this sooner, but no, i had to date a nerdy white boy to get here. it’s fun though! i’m not gonna read them all, but this one was good. bonus: contains one (1) great himbo.

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir (f)- like 500 pages of action and mystery and jokes and space necromancy. harrow the ninth gets a special mention bc it has a meme reference that took me out so hard i had to close the book, lie down, and groan for an entire minute before continuing.

other minds by peter godfrey-smith (nf)- i love octopuses. on one tma bonus ep, jonny sims says that if a creature can choose to do evil, then it’s a Person. octopuses are People. but anyway frfr this has an explanation of the evolution of consciousness that is cool af. (this one is much better than the other recent popsci octo book which i will not name out of politeness.)

the perfect predator by steffanie strathdee and thomas patterson (nf)- i read this bc my microbiology prof recommended it and it’s cool as heck! it’s got adventure, drama, mystery, Science-with-a-capital-S. i’m biased bc i’m a bit of a microbes nerd, but i had a blast with this. (but only bc we know going in that everything works out okay; if i hadn’t known that, i would have been TOO stressed!)

books that were a little less fun but still very readable:

my sister, the serial killer by oyinkan braithwaite (f)- i couldn’t find this as funny as other people bc i, too, have a beautiful sister who’s an insufferable narcissist, so it hits a little too close to home, but. it is a wild ride.

piranesi by susanna clarke (f)- idek what to say! i went into this one blind just bc it had a cool cover and title, so i guess i’d recommend that for other people too.

the sixth world series by rebecca roanhorse (f)- monster hunting! a post-apocalyptic take that doesn’t feel tired.

the shades of magic trilogy by v.e. schwab (f)- easy escapism. some ideas feel a little first draft-y, but idk, it’s also a pretty simple premise (which isn’t a bad thing). it’s a decent urban fantasy set in ~georgian?-era london. very actiony. suffers from a bit of i’m-not-like-other-girls disease, but i didn’t even notice until book two or three, so.

the only good indians by stephen graham jones (f)- starts off a little ??? (and reeks of being Written By A Man) but picks up. the pacing’s great and there’s just a super fucking cool monster.

robopocalypse by daniel h. wilson (f)- this reads like a tv miniseries so much that i can’t believe it isn’t one yet.

confessions of the fox by jordy rosenberg (f)- not my usual cup of tea, fiction-wise, but still compelling. a fresh take on the white-male-english-professor-self-insert? but not insufferable. gets weird!

spinning silver by naomi novik (f)- rumplestilstkin, but make it interesting! a great, richly-told fairy tale, but like, large scale. good to read on a cold day while you’re wrapped up in a blanket with some hot tea.

interior chinatown by charles yu (f)- compulsively readable. a couple things bugged me, but not enough to make me dislike it. a fun companion piece to how to live safely in a science fictional universe. i like this guy’s style.

cannibalism by bill schutt (nf)- COOL. mostly covers the animal kingdom (fun), spends too much time on the donner party (less fun), ends with a SPICY take on prions that i cannot get out of my head!!!

buzz, sting, bite by anne sverdrup-thygeson (nf)- BUGS! broad but not overwhelming, neither dumbed down nor overly scientific, short enough to finish in a day or two. recommend this to literally everyone.

books that made me want to read everything else in the author’s ouevre:

the time invariance of snow by e. lily yu (f)- this FUCKS but it’s too short!!!

an unkindness of ghosts by rivers solomon (f)- okay this book is SO good and so well-written and interesting and blah blah blah all the good things, but... the whole time, i was just like?? why???? why is this what you’re choosing to write about??? (i did also read the deep and blood is another word for hunger after this one, and i did like them both, especially the latter, but i think they can do better! like i think they could write a perfect book and i am gonna be *eyes emoji* until then.)

the space between worlds by micaiah johnson (f)- a fine debut novel, but i want to see her do something a little more... idk, refined? i think she overreaches here, like it’s a little... idk looper? this is how you lose the time war? there’s a better comparison, but i can’t think of it, but you get the idea. and then halfway through it shifts gears to mad max. there’s something weird about one of the central relationships, like it’s not complex enough to take as long to resolve as it does. idk idk. there are just a lot of little nitpicky things. it’s not bad! but i think she can do better and i look forward to finding out.

postcolonial love poem by natalie diaz (p)- thinky! like i tried to read this before bed, but it’s not the sort of thing to parse out while you’re falling asleep, it requires more attention than that.

books that Learned Me Somethin:

smoke gets in your eyes by caitlin doughty (nf)- i am a self-professed death obsessed weirdo, fascinated by death and mourning, but i didn’t know all that much about what happens to a body between the dying and the funeral! this book isn’t big, but it covers a lot and doughty’s writing style is engaging and honest. it’s very memorable.

queer by meg-john barker and julia scheele (nf)- i’m gonna be totally honest and say Queer Theory is above my intellectual pay grade, but this book takes you by the hand and explains the basics.

vitamania by catherine price (nf)- LMAO my fellow americans, never take a supplement. this book is great and well-researched, but normal folks don’t need to read it, just listen to season two of the dream podcast, which definitely cribbed from this.

vegetable kingdom by bryant terry (nf)- this is a fine cookbook, my favorite of his that i’ve read so far. gets a special mention bc i had a religious experience just reading one of his kohlrabi recipes. absolutely gutted that i didn’t have an opportunity to try it this year, since the pandemic put the kibosh on all family bbqs.

the best american food writing 2020 edited by j. kenji lopez-alt (nf)- this really is just a great collection.

are prisons obsolete? by angela y. davis (nf)- yes.

i moved to los angeles to work in animation by natalie nourigat (nf)- before reading this, i had basically zero knowledge of how the animation industry works. now i know like three things.

the secret lives of bats by merlin tuttle (nf)- BATS! okay this book is more about the adventures of being a bat scientist than it actually is about bats, but there are bats in there. insectivorous bats basically shit glitter, you should know this.

books from valuable perspectives:

hood feminism by mikki kendall (nf)- a breakdown of who’s getting left out of feminist spaces, why that’s happening, and why it shouldn’t be happening.

all you can ever know by nicole chung (nf)- a (transracial) adoptee’s take on adoption and learning more about her birth family. the personal storytelling of this one really stuck with me.

motherhood so white by nefertiti austin (nf)- a single-mom-by-choice’s take on the foster system/adoption process. walks you through some things i always wondered about and some things i wouldn’t even have thought about.

this place by kateri akiwenzie-damm et al (? n/f)- i, like a lot of non- native americans, only know that history in broad strokes. getting this many highly specific stories in one dense and beautiful book felt like a lucky find. and taking that perspective into the future in the context of that history is v good.

empty by susan burton (nf)- eating disorder stories are important to me bc i care about food so much. this one is so relatable- not in its specificity, but rather its generality. it’s easy to empathize with her perspective because it’s like, Oh, i don’t have that exact problem, but i struggle with different problems in a very similar way. (feels like the opposite of roxane gay’s hunger, in a way.)

obit by victoria chang (p)- this exploration of grief is... woof.

short story collections are hard to evaluate bc you’ll never read one where every single story hits but i generally enjoyed these:

a thousand beginnings and endings edited by ellen oh and elsie chapman (f)

how long til black future month? by n.k. jemisin (f)

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado (f)

books i revisited:

the broken earth trilogy by n.k. jemisin (f)- i read the series backwards this time and like... i can’t really find any faults in these books, man. they’re just the best.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by jomny sun (f... but is it really?)- half of this book’s sales are from me buying it for other people bc it’s the only way i know how to say i love you. i reread it every time just to make sure it still feels right and it always does.

other honorable mentions:

white is for witching by helen oyeyemi (f)- not to pit two bad bitches against each other, but this book does what akwaeke emezi’s freshwater was trying to do. it’s a little weird, a little haunted, a little of a lot of things. read this only in the dead of winter. (and with stephen rennicks’ score for the little stranger playing in the background.)

homie by danez smith (p)- there’s a lot going on here, but this just made me crack a smile a couple times in a way that no other book of poetry has ever done.

the murder of roger ackroyd and murder in mesopotamia by agatha christie (f)- That Bitch!

blues by nikki giovanni (p)- she sure has some Things To Say

the three-body problem by cixin liu (f)- interesting concepts, but... idk something’s missing? felt weirdly soulless to me. i’m probably not gonna read the sequels. but it did make some points!

the sisters of the winter wood by rena rossner (f)- i’m a slut for shapeshifting, okay. but this is a good fairy tale, it works!

parable of the sower by octavia butler (f)- i read this in march, when the pandemic was just kicking off and boy that was not the right time. def my least favorite of hers so far, but an octavia butler i don’t love is still better than a hell of a lot of other books. no idea when or if i’ll get to a good enough headspace for the sequel.

faves:

saturnino herrán by adriana zapett tapia (nf)- i got to learn new things about my mans and see some of his paintings i’ve never even seen online! GOSH.

on food and cooking by harold mcgee (nf)- yeah yeah, i’ve already mentioned this book half a dozen times on here this year, but i don’t care. this book lives off the shelf in my home bc i reference it like every other fucking day. this book is a part of me now.

#long post #final total for the year will be 120 by the end of the day!#and i had a pretty good hit rate. would probably recommend at least half #and only outright hated four

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pitiless-achilles-wept · 4 years

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Better Living Through Surgery: Life with Less Cancer!

[Originally posted August 13, 2020]

Hello from Penn Hospital!

Not to worry - I haven't been here the entire time since my last post, although I did end up spending an entire week in the hospital. Right now I'm sitting in the outdoor section of the cafeteria, which might be a mistake given that I'm not allowed to eat anything until after my CT scans at 1pm. The CT scans are part of my preparing to resume treatment for the rest of the cancer that's still in my body. The last time I had chemo was June 23rd and I've now hit the sweet spot of being a month past my mastectomy (so, mostly recovered) and out of other treatment long enough that I'm not suffering side effects any longer. It feels...almost like I don't have cancer at all.

Two Surgeries for the Price of...Two!

Let me back up a bit to the surgery though. I'd like to report that everything went totally smoothly...and it sort of did! Except that I had to have two surgeries because it also sort of didn't. As usual, what happened to me was super rare (less than 1% of cases!) and I would like to submit a formal retraction of any wishes I had to be exceptional. I've read "The Monkey's Paw." I know to be careful what I wish for. (Although, actually, I'm lying because I still plan to be the exception to the median life expectancy of those with my particular type and stage of cancer. If I have to be in the 1% of cancer cases it ought to be a good thing at least once.)

I had two surgeons for the two parts of my first surgery: one for the mastectomy (removing that incredibly stubborn initial tumor) and one for a "flap reconstruction," which used my own tissue (from my stomach - free tummy tuck!) to build a replacement. When they do that second part, they also take a blood supply so that a substantial part of it is vascular surgery. The reason that the reconstruction ever fails is if something goes wrong with the blood supply. If that happens, it's nearly always (99% of the time!) within 24 hours. What happened in my case was that everything went well with the surgery, even though it took about 7 hours, and I was recovering well and quickly. I was set to go home after my third night in the hospital (so, on Thursday).

Overnight on Wednesday, however, something went wrong with the blood supply. The new tissue was filling but not draining. What they later learned, once they rushed me back into the OR, was that the vein in it had a blood clot. They were able to fix it by taking a vein from my ankle to replace it. So basically that reset the clock on my recovery so that I ended up having to stay an additional three nights, going home on Sunday. (My initial surgery had been on a Monday.) It's actually extremely lucky that I was still in the hospital, despite how sad I was at having to stay. If I had been at home, far away from experts and surgeons, the tissue probably would have died and the reconstruction would have failed. It was a close thing since I was set to go home.

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital doesn't need a reminder of how, despite everyone's best intentions it is pretty terrible. I hadn't spent a night in the hospital since I was a newborn, despite all my various treatments, so I didn't know. Now I do and I never want to go back. The hardest part is that they have to wake you up almost constantly for vitals and to assess how the blood supply is doing (listening for arterial and venus sounds). For the first day after each surgery this was every 30 MINUTES, then every HOUR, then finally (on my final night) every 2 hours. And I'm the kind of person who's AWAKE as soon as I wake up. So I essentially didn't sleep more than an hour at a time until the bitter end when a nice nurse got a nice doctor to give me some kind of sedative so that I was able to sleep through the checks. I don't have a kid, so let me just say that this level of sleep deprivation was like nothing I had ever experienced. I see why the CIA used it as a form of torture. I'm a veteran of being tired and of many different kinds of fatigue but never have I been unable to get into REM sleep for so long. I am eager to avoid it at all costs again.

I had been more worried about the boredom than the lack of rest (because, at least on paper, the hospital seems like a place where you would mostly be resting/recovering) and it was indeed very boring. I was SO tired that I wasn't able to really do anything like read a novel, knit, or even really watch TV. I did binge a few podcasts, return to some more "Buffy," and attempt to chat to my parents when they could be there. The COVID visitor policy made it even more isolating and lonely than it would usually be. I was only allowed one "designated visitor" per day so my mom and dad switched off on who that was. Visitors could only be in the room and, once you left, you were gone for the day. So, for example, it's not like my mom could say hi in the morning, pop out and get us lunch, and then come back. All visiting was consolidated for the day. That meant that I tried valiantly to be good company for a few hours, but I imagine mostly I was too exhausted to accomplish that.

I took laps around the hallway (in my mask), which was actually a big achievement especially given the four surgical drains that I had (and left the hospital with). It's amazing how quickly you can lose conditioning in your muscles...and also how exhausting it is for your body to have been, essentially, assaulted and be dealing with wounds. That said, I've been super impressed by my body's healing capacity. I got the drains out within a week for one set and 10 days for another. After that, it was much easier to feel like I was healing and returning to normal. I'll have to rebuild my abdominal muscles, since that part of the surgery involved cutting them (and a new hip-to-hip "smile" scar), and for now I still can't bend all the way over, stand up totally straight (did I ever?), or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk (because of the reconstruction). I'll probably need some physical therapy, but the ability my body has shown to heal is incredible.

Also incredible is the difference it has made to my mood and anxiety. In the hospital, they kept asking me for my pain number (which is kind of a useless exercise anyway, in my opinion) and I kept sort of shrugging and saying "2? 3?" to their disbelief. After all, I had open wounds! I had two major surgeries! But the pain of the tumor itself (and especially of the fluid-filled cyst on top of it) had been constant, increasing, and worrying. The pain of the tumor had meant my treatment was failing me and that my cancer was getting worse. The pain of the surgery meant I was healing so I embraced it. I still get tired more easily than I expect and am sure that the recovery period for this is going to turn out to be longer than I anticipate. But it is a huge relief.

That Bastard Tumor

Now, sadly, they don't actually save your cancerous tumor for you to look at after the surgery. (Honestly sad about this. I wanted to look it in the eye!) But they did send it off to a pathologist. The results made me feel very vindicated in my persistent sense that something about this bastard of a tumor was just DIFFERENT (and worse). They found that it had areas in it that were metaplastic, meaning (essentially) that the cells are hybrid, aggressive, and chemo-resistant. Here's what Johns Hopkins has to say about it:

"Metaplastic breast cancer is a rare form of breast cancer, accounting for fewer than 1% of all breast cancers. It differs from the more common kinds of breast cancer in both its makeup and in the way it behaves.

Like invasive ductal cancer, metaplastic breast cancer begins in the milk duct of the breast before spreading to the tissue around the duct. What makes a metaplastic tumor different is the kinds of cells that make up the tumor.

When the cells of an invasive ductal tumor are examined under a microscope, they appear abnormal, but still look like ductal cells. Metaplastic tumors may contain some of these breast cells, too, but they also contain cells that look like the soft tissue and connective tissue in the breast. It is thought that the ductal cells have undergone a change in form (metaplasia) to become completely different cells, though it is not known exactly how or why this occurs.

Metaplastic breast cancers can also behave more aggressively than other kinds of breast cancers.

Metaplastic tumors are often, though not always, “triple-negative”, which means that they test negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors, as well as for the HER2/neu protein.

Metaplastic tumor cells are often found to be high grade, which means that they look very different from normal cells and are dividing rapidly.

Metaplastic tumors are, on average, larger at diagnosis.

More often than in other kinds of breast cancer, women with metaplastic breast cancer can have metastasis (when the cancer has spread beyond the breast) and may be more likely to recur (come back later in another part of the body)."

Sounds familiar, right? I can tell you, it feels good to get that out of my body! I want to be clear, though, that it was only **some** of the tumor that was this nasty metaplastic cancer. It was, as I described it to the amusement of my surgeon, "like chocolate chips in ice cream." (Way less fun than chocolate chips, obviously.)

That is actually good news too, because it means that there's a pretty high chance that the metastatic sites are NOT this nasty form of cancer. It wasn't noted in the original biopsy back in January 2019, nor in the spinal tumor biopsy in Feburary 2019, nor in my biopsy from July 2019. Metaplastic cells are fairly distinctive so they would have been noted if they were there. At some point, metaplastic regions appeared in the bastard tumor, probably a reason that it stopped responding to treatments that worked elsewhere (including PARP inhibitors and the chemo/immuno combo that I'm currently on). If those treatments, or others, can work on the remaining sites that are NOT metaplastic it becomes much more possible to imagine living with this as a chronic disease. We won't be able to tell until I get today's scans and we see how the next 8ish weeks of treatment go. But still, I think cautious optimism is warranted.

Resting and Recovering

My parents were able to stay with me for another 10 days after I went home and it was so wonderful to have them taking care of me. It made me realize that, actually, I have done the bulk of this cancer treatment without that particular kind of support. I mean, I knew that intellectually, but the difference between having someone looking after me and not was something I almost couldn't fathom on an emotional level. They lived with me for the first 3 months after my diagnosis in 2019 but--thanks to how long was spent getting various tests and seeing doctors--that only included a few weeks of chemo. They would obviously have stayed longer--would be glad to drop everything and rush out whenever I want!--but it's been my choice to continue as much as I can with my "regular" adult life. Being forced not to try was actually quite a favor to me. I'm left with a lot of thoughts about how I ask for help, offer it, accept it (or don't), and how I feel about it. I'll save those for another time, though, and just thank both my parents and my wonderful and tireless group of friends for giving me their support in whatever ways they can.

It's almost time for me to go drink some delicious barium and get a CT (bringing me a couple steps closer to lunch), so I'll just conclude by saying that I felt so good post-surgery that I forgot, for a while, that I still had cancer at all. After all, it was that tumor that I could actually see and feel and that was causing me daily pain and anxiety. Taking it away felt like taking away all the cancer. But, of course, it's still there: in my lungs, my lymph nodes, my bones, and my liver. It's a systemic and chronic disease, but I do at least feel more like I've been given a fighting chance again.

Hope you're all doing as well as can be right now. Be well and be kind.

Love, Bex

#my life as a cancer patient #treatment update #august 2020 #covid and cancer #mastectomy #metastatic breast cancer #mbc #stage 4 #triple negative breast cancer #tnbc #clinical trials #scanxiety #metaplastic cancer

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jamielea81 · 5 years

Text

Back to School

Chapter 2

Pairing: Professor Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Some cursing, talk of sex

Description: After taking years off of school, you finally decide to go back and finish up that degree.

Word Count: Approximately 2,000

A/N: This is a Professor Steve Rogers fic, but with a twist as the reader is older and this will be a slow burn.

Please let me know if you would like to be tagged. Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated.

*Italics are internal thoughts.

Catch up with chapter 1

Class dragged on and on. You didn’t blame the material, no, this was all you. Well, really it was Professor Rogers. How naïve you were to think this man was another student. Of course, you were the oldest student in the room. Probably campus too. No, that’s probably not true, but it felt like it.

Glancing down at your notebook, the page was filled with squiggle lines and flowers. There was no way you could concentrate today. Thankfully the bits and pieces you had heard were mainly what to expect this semester. Yep, another paper. This one, twenty pages.

The timber of Steve or Professor Roger’s voice was hypnotizing. It wasn’t so much words you were hearing, just the tone. Deep and flowing. He should totally have a podcast.

It wasn’t as though Steve had flirted with you. No, he had been friendly and introduced himself. It was you that had the hope that it could turn into something more. That just simply couldn’t happen now and you would have to get over it. Maybe just not look at him for a couple of weeks. Yeah, that would work. Except it didn’t because you looked up and caught him looking at you. It didn’t last more than a few seconds, but damn, this isn’t good. Eye contact is part of your job, you can’t help but make eye contact with the person speaking.

You are a business professional, get it together Y/N.

Professor Rogers dismissed class, but apparently you missed it, being caught in your own mind. You looked up two see about five students waiting to speak to him. Packing up your bag, the best option was to get out of there. You had a meeting in an hour anyway.

Packed and ready to go, you stood up noticing the line to speak to the professor was down to two students. Steve looked at you and held up a finger indicating he wanted you to wait. Fuck. You grabbed your phone out of your bag and scrolled through your e-mails until you heard your name.

The lecture hall was empty except for you and Steve. You both took a hesitant step toward each other, but you remained silent, letting him speak first.

“I’ll be honest, I thought you were a professor or faculty member when I saw you on the quad.” A nervous laugh in his voice.

“Is that your way of saying I’m old.” Screw it, you needed to give him a hard time. If you wouldn’t be dating him, might as well bust his balls before he starts grading your homework.

“What?! No, not at all. It’s just that your dressed professionally, not like you’ve crawled out of bed like the rest of them.” Hand going to the back of his neck where he rubbed nervously.

“I’m only teasing. I’m only taking two classes and I’ve got work right after this. Hence the outfit.” You smiled and he returned it, nodding his head.

“I don’t go around introducing myself to every new student, so when I saw you in my class, I was a bit surprised.” He said.

“I was actually too. I mean, seeing you walk in the room. Was kinda of hoping you’d sit next to me.” You laughed nervously.

“Could have made for an interesting class I suppose.”

You bit your lip. This was flirting. This was so flirting and you needed to cut that out. Get your degree and move on. That’s the goal for the semester.

Glancing at your phone, you knew you had to get a move on if you were going to make it back to the office, grab a quick bite and get to the meeting on time.

“Well Professor.” He blushed, he completely just blushed. “I have to get to work. Guess I’ll see you next week.”

“Yes, Ms. Y/L/N, I’ll see you next week.” Steve says, hands in his pockets as he rocks on his feet.

You started your ascent up the stairs begging yourself not to look back. This wasn’t the movies, there’s no way he’s watching you walk away. But if that’s so, why are you swaying your hips?

The plan for Friday morning was to be in the office bright and early and out by two PM to meet your friend Jules for wedding dress shopping. Instead you found yourself on campus. Last night you had reviewed the syllabus for your history course and had failed to notice or pay attention in class thanks to Mister dreamy professor, that a second book was required for the course. You found the book easy enough, settling for a new copy as all the used copies were sold. Used books always had great notes in them with key points highlighted. You were a little disappointed, but easily got over it.

You decided to grab a coffee from the coffee cart you tried earlier in the week rather than stopping at your normal haunt before getting to the office. At least it was one less stop. Handing the barista some cash, you stepped to the side and waited for your beverage.

“You have another class today?”

Turning around to see piercing blue eyes looking at you.

Steve. Professor Rogers. Damnit, I need to stop doing that.

“Or is the coffee that good?” He asked.

“The coffee’s good.” You leaned in. “But not that good.”

He chuckled at your reply, tilting his head toward the cart to indicate your coffee was ready. You turned back to grab it and stepped away from the cart, Steve walking with you.

“I had to stop at the book store to grab a book. For your class actually.”

He nodded his head. “Probably a good idea.”

“Yeah. I’d hate to get behind in my first week.” You smiled politely. “Do you have class today?”

Conversational skills were apparently not your forte when it came to this man.

Stopping at the end of the quad, you turned to face him.

“This afternoon. Office hours this morning.”

“Oh, right.” You replied.

Silence. Uncomfortable silence.

“Um, I actually have to head into work. But I’ll see you next week.” You laughed.

“What?” He asked, big smile on his face.

“I’m pretty sure I said that same exact thing a few days ago.” Biting your lip because you’re awkward.

Steve crossed his arms and smiled. “I feel like I’m going to hear that from you quite a bit.”

You saluted him with your cup and turned to walk away. Your head looked over your shoulder. “Have a good weekend Steve. I mean professor.” It was honestly a slip of the tongue.

“You too Ms. Y/L/N.”

Turning back around to face him. “Y/N. Call me Y/N.”

He nodded his head and you continued on your way.

Jules was walking on air, but at the same time walking around like a baby deer, tripping over her own feet, and getting caught in the rows of dresses. So really, in her mind she was walking on air, but she really was a disaster. The three glasses of champagne the bridal shop gave her did not help either.

You and Jules had met at the call center job you took after you left school. Despite her only lasting two weeks, you formed a close bound and stayed friends. Flash forward years later and she was marrying her boyfriend of eight years. Yes, eight years. While you serial dated, her and Brian were in it for the long hall.

Jules had opted to shop with you, her maid of honor, and exclude her three bridesmaids which consisted of her cousins. You’ve met them before and they are perfectly nice girls, but she didn’t want the multitude of opinions while she tried on dresses.

After trying on exactly twelve dresses, she was back to the first.

“So, what do you think?” She asked nervously.

“Like I told you the first time, you’re stunning in it.”

And she really was. Jules is petite and beautiful with full, shoulder length blonde hair and big brown eyes. Anything she wore looked great on her.

“You don’t think it’s too…” She shrugged her shoulders and scrunched up her face. “I don’t know, too, showy? Slutty maybe?”

You let out a giggle and she joined in. Probably mostly due to the champagne.

“No sweetie. It’s beautifully. If it makes you happy and feel good, then it’s the right dress.”

She smiled at that, turning back to the full-length mirror as the shop attendant placed a vale on her head. The sleeveless lace dress had various see through panels that it looked a bit like lingerie. But tasteful and elegant lingerie.

Moving a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her eyes, she smiled again, looking at you in the mirror and then to the attendant. “I’ll take it.”

After paying for the dress and scheduling a fitting, Jules had strong armed you into getting drinks and dinner. OK, she didn’t have to strong arm you, you enjoyed eating and drinking, but you kind of just wanted to be home and in your jammies.

“How was school dear? Make any new friends.” She asked in a teasing tone.

You smirked and took a sip from your glass of vodka and sour. “Sure, mom. It was great.”

“Oh, come on!” She playfully slapped your hand that rested on the table. Big smile on her face. “I want to hear about it!”

“Fine. Fine. Calm down lady.” You laughed. “It was fine. I only have classes on Tuesday. One is an Economics class that’s going to kick my ass. The other is a history class that I should do alright in. I like history. I watch the History channel.” You gave her a teasing smile.

“You’re covered then.”

Dinner arrived and you both ate and caught up with your lives. The two of you got together once a week, but you never had problems keeping the conversation going.

“So, any cute teachers.” She asked.

You brought your glass to your lips again and shook your head. Trying your best to keep your face as neutral as possible.

“Bullshit. How long have I known you Y/N?”

“Too long apparently.”

“I need the gossip. Oh, and I need names so I can look them up online.”

“Well, my economics teacher, Melinda Cary is pretty cute.” You smirked at her and she shook her head. “But, my history teacher, Steve Rogers is really hot.” You sighed dreamily.

She nodded, large smile on her face. “Are you going to hook up?” Eyebrows raised.

You almost spit out the vodka in your mouth. Coughing a few times before you could respond. “I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules and some moral code to date my professor Jules.”

“Who said anything about dating? I meant, just, you know.” She gestured with her hand in a vulgar way. “Fuck him.”

You grabbed her arm across the table. “Dude! Firstly, don’t do that in public. B. I’m not going to fuck him.” You practically whispered the last time.

She rolled her eyes. “I’m just saying.” She shrugged her shoulders. “OK, let’s take the hot professor out of the equation. You need to get laid.” You huffed out a breath. She wasn’t wrong, but still. “All I’m saying is, you always look to jump into a relationship and you know I’m right. Maybe hooking up with Mr. Rogers.” She snorted and muttered Mr. Rogers again.

“Professor Rogers.” You corrected.

“Right, right. Maybe just a hook up would be good for the soul.”

You sighed. “I get what you are saying. But not with my teacher. And besides, he’s probably not even interested.”

“Don’t know until you try.” She said wiggling her eyebrows. “I need to live vicariously through you.” She whined.

Maybe you needed to reconsider who your friends were. Kidding, of course. However, you didn’t need the idea of Steve Rogers like that in your head.

Tagging: @thefandomzoneisdangerous @humandasaster @violetadefebrero @not-another-tmblr @fanfiiiiiiics @estillion14 @lookwhatyoumademequeue @chita0027 @twittytelly @panicfob @allaboutthebooz @eves-library @tanelle83 @rda1989 @louisianaspell @fanficfaeriesmodernaulibrary @rainbowkisses31 @xxloki81xx @zsuzstyina

#steve rogers #Professor Steve Rogers #professor Rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers x you #college au #marvel au #marvel imagine #back to school #teacher x reader #steve x reader

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dawninlatin · 4 years

Text

Queen of Peace, chapter 4

A manorian high school AU

Words: 1826

AO3 Link: Click here

Summary: Manon Blackbeak is flawless, untouchable. From the outside at least. Her grandmother pushes her to achieve greatness, and she doesn't let anyone get too close in fear of being hurt. How can anyone love her when not even her parents could?

Dorian Havilliard has always felt safe and confident around his friends. He might not have the greatest of families, but with Aelin and Chaol by his side, nothing can go wrong. That is until he tries keeping his greatest secret from them.

What will happen when Dorian and Manon gets to know one another? Can two lost souls find their way back together?

There is love in your body but you can’t get it out

It gets stuck in your head won’t come out of your mouth

-Florence + The Machine, Hardest of Hearts

Asterin looked pissed. She and Manon were currently sitting on the floor at the dance studio, stretching after the long practice they’d just had.

«All I’m saying is that you’re not focused enough,» Manon continued. She had asked Asterin to stay behind with her so they could talk. Dance practice was about the only place she saw her cousin now, and even then, her mind seemed to be elsewhere.

While rolling her eyes, Asterin replied: «I just have a lot on my mind right now, besides, we’re doing good.» She shrugged, before moving on to her other leg.

Manon didn’t buy that whole a lot on my mind thing, so she pushed further. «Like hell you have a lot on your mind. I bet it’s that boyfriend of yours keeping you so distracted, you seem to spend all your time with him.»

«So what if I spend my time with him, he makes me happy,» Asterin scoffed as she finished stretching, now standing up to leave.

Oh, they weren’t done yet…

«I don’t care how happy he makes you when you can barely keep up with the rest of the team. Iskra-,»

«Relax a little, nationals are months away,» Asterin interrupted, turning around to face her cousin once more.

Manon hated to argue with her, but someone needed to make sure everyone on the team stayed focused, stayed in shape. «Nationals being months away isn’t an excuse to slack off. You know I can replace you at any time if you don’t keep up with the rest.»

Always the hard, disciplined leader.

Asterin almost looked hurt at her words. Manon kept her features cool and emotionless. She didn’t care about Asterin’s feelings. If she got kicked of the team, it was her own fault.

«There’s nothing I want more than to beat Iskra Yellowlegs like the bug she is, but you don’t have to be such a bitch about it. Go a little easier on the team, we have never been as good as we are now.»

Manon didn’t bother responding as Asterin walked out, slamming the door behind her. The sound echoed through the almost empty room.

They might be better than ever, Manon thought, but better than ever still wasn’t good enough in her grandmothers eyes.

Dorian usually enjoyed English class, but the teacher had been rambling about the importance of using formal language and how «kids nowadays talked to their peers». So instead of paying attention to what Mr. Norton was saying, Dorian continued reading the book Aelin had practically forced on him earlier. He had to admit, it was a good book. Especially the main character’s love interest.

Thinking about that sent a rush of sadness through him. Dorian knew Aelin loved that character as well. In fact, she hadn’t been able to shut up about him for the past few weeks. There was nothing Dorian wanted more than to geek out over their joint crush, but that would also mean telling Aelin that he liked both girls and boys.

He still hadn’t told them, still hadn’t found the courage. Dorian wasn’t sure what was holding him back…

The other reason to why he wasn’t paying attention in class was sitting two rows ahead of him. Dorian found his eyes wandering to the head full of white hair more times than he liked to admit.

It had been a week since he stumbled upon her having a panic attack in the library. Dorian had wanted to talk to her after, but she was hard to catch. He never saw her in the hallway, never saw her near the football field, never in the cafeteria, a few days ago he’d even checked the spot he’d last seen her, but it was as empty as always. The only time he actually saw Manon was in English class, but she was the last to enter and the first to leave, meaning it was impossible to go over to her desk and start a conversation while waiting for their teacher. Dorian had met her eyes, once, but she had looked at him like nothing happened, like she didn’t know him, before quickly looking elsewhere.

«-which will mean a lot for your grades.» Dorian only caught the tail of that sentence, but he shifted his attention to the board. Apparently Mr. Norton had stopped talking about formal language and instead moved on to presenting some assignment.

«For this project, you will be paired up two and two. You are to pick a book of your choosing, read it, and then make a podcast where you discuss it. I have put the deadline in two and a half weeks, it’s on a Friday.»

This made Dorian feel very exited. He hoped he would be paired with someone who’d let him choose the book. He already had a few in mind…

«These are the pairs,» their teacher said, pulling a document up on the board. Dorian searched the list until he found himself. He felt a surge of excitement as he saw who he was paired with. Right at the bottom, was his name, next to Manon’s.

This was gonna be a good couple of weeks.

This day could not get any worse, Manon though, looking at the board.

First, she had been woken up way too early by Abraxos yowling at her window. Good thing her grandmother was currently out of town. The lack of sleep had put her in a fairly pissy mood. A mood which had been made worse by fighting with Asterin after dance practice. Then she had been unlucky enough to be paired up with Dorian fucking Havilliard for a project counting 50% on their semester grade.

She had to find some way to get out of it. She could tell Mr.Norton she didn’t have time to meet up with Dorian. That she would read a book on her own and make an analysis. Or just ask to switch partners. Anything, to not do it with him of all people.

What are the odds - in a class with 30 students - of being paired up with the boy who happened to walk in on you having a panic attack a week ago?

Manon had zoned out in a train of thought, which were interrupted by their teacher speaking once again. «You can have the rest of this lesson to discuss how you want to go through with it,» Mr. Norton announced, sitting down behind his desk.

Fuck, now Dorian was coming towards her. She tried to look as bored as possible as he leaned against the edge of the table in front of her, hands in his pockets. He ran a hand through his curly, black hair, before asking:

«Were you okay the other day? I’ve been meaning to ask you, but…» He simply gestured at her, instead of finishing the sentence. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Manon tried to keep her features calm, cold. «What are you talking about? I’m fine. Besides, it’s none of your business.»

Dorian raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying it, so Manon answered with a glare. That seemed to make him give up his interrogation, she thought as his expression faltered.

«Okay, so we should probably discuss what book to read,» Dorian said reluctantly, not ready to let go of the previous subject just yet.

«Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work,» Manon replied, her voice bored.

«And why is that?» The boy in front of her was smirking now. She wanted to punch him in the face.

Manon rolled her eyes. «Because I have a very tight schedule. We can just do it separately and then mix up our notes as we hand it in.»

As soon as the words had left her mouth, the bell rang, students all around them moving to get out. Thank god! Manon was about to get up and leave herself, but Dorian stopped her. He ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook before scribbling down something and handing it to Manon.

«Here’s my number. Why don’t you text me when you’ve found an available spot in your very tight schedule.» After putting an emphasis on very tight he had the audacity to wink at her, before walking out of the classroom.

And Manon just stood there, baffled by the whole exchange, with a sudden need to scream.

When Manon was lying in bed that night, she still couldn’t get her mind off the stupid project. She most definitely couldn’t work with Dorian, she decided.

So why do you still have his number?

She cursed the voice inside herself. He meant trouble, and there had to be some way she could do it alone. She would talk to Mr. Norton tomorrow and figure it out. She didn’t need to think about it tonight.

Manon tried to close her eyes and go to sleep, but all she could see was Dorian, winking at her as he walked away. Text me, she could hear his voice echo in her mind.

Then there was the other thing bothering her. She still hadn’t spoken with Asterin after their fight. She had hoped they could declare peace over dinner today, but she hadn’t come home after school. It was now midnight, and still no sight of her cousin. She was probably at Hunter’s.

Asterin being away meant the whole house was quiet. Their grandmother was away on some business trip and wouldn’t be back for another few days. Manon normally enjoyed the calm quiet of the night, but right now she couldn’t relax. Something was on her mind.

You have that something’s number, that voice said again.

«Fuck it!» Manon annoyingly exclaimed as she abruptly sat up, rousing Abraxos - who was lying next to her - from his peaceful sleep in the process.

Ignoring the clearly offended cat, she reached for her nightstand, where her phone and the note she had tossed beside it laid. She opened her messages and typed in Dorian’s number. She didn’t bother saving it. Then she angrily typed in a message before sending it and tossing her phone back on the nightstand. She didn’t wait to see if he answered.

The message only said: Saturday, 3pm, the library.

Manon hadn’t even bothered signing it. He would have to figure out who it was from on his own.

«Don’t look at me like that,» she said to Abraxos as she laid back down. The cat only purred before snuggling close.

Rolling her eyes at him, she tried to be annoyed, but Manon had to admit she didn’t mind the warmth. The cat purred even louder, apparently agreeing.

As she closed her eyes once more, she tried very hard not to think about Saturday and the boy she had just texted.

A/N: And so it begins...

Sorry for not updating sooner, but school is being a bitch, and will continue being a bitch for the next week, so I have no idea when chapter 5 will be posted.

But, I can reveal that the next chapter will be all about Dorian<3

I am also sorry for the GIF I used this time, I couldn’t stop myself.

Also this fic turned out wayyyy fluffier than I imagined, but I don't mind. We'll blame Abraxos for being too cute...

Thank you so much to everyone who reads and likes and comments and reblogs and leaves kudos...I LOVE YOU!!

Peace&Love -Dawninlatin

#throne of glass #sarah j maas #manon blackbeak #dorian havilliard #manon x dorian #manorian #manorian fanfiction #throne of glass fanfiction #dawninlatin QoP

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purplesurveys · 4 years

Text

932

What's your favourite sport? Do you prefer to watch it or play it?: I love pro wrestling, if you count that as a sport. I definitely prefer to just stay in front of a TV – I have never been in a ring, nor am I physically fit to even give it a shot without getting harshly injured. Conversely, I love table tennis but I’d rather play it than watch a game.

Who was the last person to send you a friend request on Facebook?: It was a stranger who, upon checking, seems to be some sort of spam account promoting a pyramid scheme. Happy to nope the fuck out of there.

Have you ever been to that person's house?: Definitely not. I don’t add people I didn’t know on any level, anyway.

How recently did you wash your hands?: This morning when I cleaned up after Cooper.

How many girls do you know named Emma?: Not a common name here, so I don’t know any Emmas.

[trigger warning under this I guess. Lots of angst going on at the moment.]

Are you upset, for any reason at all?: Yeah. I’ve been feeling very upset and under stress lately...to give you an idea, I find it a personal achievement to have gotten up and taken this survey. I’m at least self-aware that this is a temporary slump, but while it’s here hanging around, it really sucks to be in it.

How did you feel when you woke up today?: Shitty. The only reason I got up at all was to feed my dogs but otherwise I’ve been glued to either the couch or my bed.

When you're stressed, what helps you to relax or calm down?: Lately, it’s episodes of Good Mythical Morning. Rhett, Link, and their crew will never have any idea just how much they’ve helped this 22 year old, now-wondering-what-her-purpose-is-in-life fresh college graduate keep sane, but I’m glad they have hours upon hours of content and podcasts lying around to keep me company while no one else can.

What were you doing before you started this survey?: I finished another survey that I abandoned yesterday, and was watching GMM to fill up the silence in my room.

Is there something else you should be doing, that's more important?: I’ve been job-hunting 24/7 but lately I’ve been giving myself a break on weekends since no one will be processing applications or booking interviews on a Saturday anyway.

When was the last time you neglected to do something that you'd planned?: Around noon today.

Is there someone that can always make you smile no matter how bad you feel?: Apparently not. I’ve been a wreck all month so far and nothing has worked. Before September, I certainly thought animals or certain humans worked as cures for me.

Do you have any friends that you feel don't fully appreciate you?: I don’t feel that way about them. I think my friends care for me a whole lot, which I appreciate. I’ve had friends come to my DMs quite a few times in the last few days with messages of support since I’ve been a little vocal about how sad I’ve been feeling these days, so I for sure don’t feel invisible. Making me feel present is the best gift anyone could give me.

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful?: Last week when Gab came over.

Who was the last person that apologised to you?: Myself.

What were they apologising for?: Haven’t been looking out for myself recently.

Do you think they meant it?: I guess not, because I still haven’t stopped being destructive towards myself.

Would you be embarrassed if your parents looked at your Facebook?: I have them as my friends so they see everything. But I’m 22, so while they can complain about some of my posts (and it’s usually the political ones lol), they can’t tell me to take anything down anymore the same way they were able to do so when I was younger.

Describe the personality of the person you have feelings for.: She’s very warm, understanding, generous, and immeasurably protective of the people she loves.

What does your pencil case look like? What's in it?: I have a plush dog pencilcase that I use for my pens and pencils (given by my sister) and a pink pencilcase with a floral design that holds my highlighters (given by Jane).

In your Facebook friends list, who is the first person listed under 'D'?: Some girl named Abby whose surname begins with D. She was someone from my high school and we mutually know each other, but we’re not friends and we’ve never even talked.

How did you meet him/her?: I’ve never talked to her but I’ve known of her since grade school I guess? since she’s my sister’s batchmate.

Did the last person you kissed have facial hair?: No.

You're locked in a room with your ex. Any problems?: It would just be my girlfriend too so there wouldn’t be any problems, except that I’d probably break down crying upon seeing her again because I’ve barely pulled myself together over the last week and have had to go through it alone.

Be honest. What are you most afraid of?: These days I’m definitely doubting my capabilities and achievements and all the shit I’ve put on my resumé and portfolio, and now I’m scared if any company will even give me a chance. I’m honestly holding a little bit of resentment for every employed person right now because I have seen absolutely no one talk about how brutal this whole process/waiting game is, lol. This is so SHITTY, is it just difficult for me or what???? I’m so baffled.

In the last 24 hours, have you seen or spoken to anyone you dislike?: I’ve dealt with myself, but that’s it.

What colour are the eyes of the last person that told you they loved you?: Dark brown.

What is a word or phrase that you say often?: I like saying “I guess” because it makes me sound unsure about most things and thus makes me not 100% accountable if things go wrong hah. I do have another answer that’s more in line with the angst and depression I’ve been going through recently, and it’s that I’ve repeating BoJack Horseman’s ‘piece of shit’ monologue to himself, but this time saying it to myself.

Name 3 songs that remind you of someone special.: Sparks by Coldplay; anything by Mitski; and anything by St. Vincent.

How much chocolate do you have in your house atm, if any?: We have...a lot. We still have the chocolate cake from Nina’s birthday and we recently received an entire pack of various fun-size chocolate bars like Twix, Three Musketeers, etc. from my aunt. We also have chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream that I normally would finish up in a day, but I’ve been saving it for every future job rejection I receive.

Who is the most intelligent person you know?: Chesca.

Do you have younger siblings? If you do, are you protective of them?: Yes. I’m protective of my sister but I don’t show it lol. We are not showy in this family.

Who was the last person you insulted?: Idk probably a politician on social media.

What are the other members of your household doing at this moment?: I have not gone out of my room all day...I did not miss this sensation. It’s been a while since I’ve locked myself up for this long.

Do you have any neighbours that you don't get along with?: There’s a house behind ours that loudly plays 80s and 90s power ballads and love songs and it gets insanely irritating and makes the neighborhood feel cheap, but I keep my feelings to myself and I’ve never actually confronted them about it and asked them to stop or decrease their speaker’s volume.

How recently did you speak to the last person you kissed?: Like 30 minutes ago. I’m not very talkative these days and it was actually just the second time today that I initiated a bried conversation. I feel bad for her, and I can’t wait to get better so I can start treating her right again.

Who was the last person you told to get lost, or something similar?: I don’t usually tell this to people.

Give me a random line from the last song you listened to.: “We know better so we’d both better go.”

Have you ever had an argument with the last person you Facebook messaged?: Lots. She’s my girlfriend lol.

Do you have any plans for tonight?: I don’t know. If I feel any better, I’d practice and review for my upcoming interview this Tuesday, but if I’m not okay by then...I don’t know. I’ve stopped planning my days out recently and just go where my legs take me.

Where were you at 9 o'clock last night?: I was at the dining table trying to take a survey, but I quickly lost interest in it.

In the past week, have you slept past midday?: Kind of. Like I mentioned, Gabie’s on the night shift so I’ve been keeping her company, which means I occasionally take naps in the afternoon.

Is there anything happening tomorrow, that you're looking forward to?: No. I’m so scared of tomorrows now.

Is there anyone you used to be friends with, that you now dislike?: I dislike Athenna only because of her attitude and the way she treated Angela during the last few days of their friendship. I don’t have any personal beef with her, at least I don’t think I have. She likes stirring up shit though and I won’t be surprised if she was able to make up a story about me to get our other friends to dislike me.

What is your least favourite chocolate bar?: Eh, I’m pretty picky about chocolate bars so I have more brands that I dislike than the ones I do enjoy. I only like Reese’s, Butterfinger, Twix, and Whittaker’s.

Do any of your friends or relatives have the same birthday as you?: Just this girl I went to grade school with named Mitch. Otherwise, April 21 babies are a rare breed apparently.

Name the last song that made you cry.: O by Coldplay.

Who do you miss at this moment?: The me from like two weeks ago lol. How far I’ve fallen.

Where is that person?: Stuck in August, I guess.

Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural colour?: No.

Have you had any deep conversations today?: No.

Is your television on atm?: It’s not, but I have my phone playing GMM videos on YouTube to keep me company.

If it is, what are you watching?: It’s one of their product test videos.

Are you wearing anything blue?: My shirt is blue, actually.

Who were the last 5 people to make you smile?: Rhett and Link, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you use Twitter?: Sure.

Tell me about the last YouTube video you watched. They’re pitting brand name cleaning products and natural cleaning products against each other and seeing which one is more effective. I love these videos of theirs, hahaha.

Is there anything else you'd like to say?: No, I feel like I’ve grilled myself enough in this survey.

#survey #surveys

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