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savventeen · 9 months

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you say the stupidest (sweetest) things

pairing: seungkwan x gn!reader rating: 16+ (for swearing) wc: 4.5k prompt: seungkwan + "things you said at 1am" summary: you say stupid shit on the best of days, so when seungkwan comes over when you're having a bad bout of insomnia, the last thing he expects to hear from you is an accidental love confession warnings: insomnia, mental health issues, dissociation mention tags: fluff, friends to lovers, first kiss, reader is a little unhinged but who isn't tbh, they're also highkey allergic to genuine expressions of love/affection but they're working on it, banter, stimming, wrestling like children to try and work through emotions, reader is some flavor of lgbt+ (they make an "i've never done anything straight in my life" joke), reader's pov is dramatic bc they're dramatic oops a/n: this is for @dokyeomin as a part of my emergency commissions (check out the post here) and this was only supposed to be 1k but it 100% got away from me... i hope you still enjoy the fluff and all of the attached nonsense <3

From: Y/n 🔪 [11:47pm]

yo kwannie if i impulsively decide to go to the 24h convenience store how harshly do u think they'll jusdge me for buying every flavor of gummy candy available *judge i wanna see if i can melt them down into one Ultimate Gummy u know for Science

Seungkwan pauses brushing his teeth and stares down at your messages.

To be fair, it's probably not the strangest thing you've ever texted him. He's known you since your second year of college, after all, so he has about half a decade of experience with all of your various y/n-isms under his belt now.

Which is how he knows to trust his gut when it tells him that this probably isn't your usual brand of nonsense.

He spits the toothpaste into the sink and dials your number. You answer on the second ring.

“Before you say anything,” you start, “I was only half-serious about the gummies thing. Like, it's a fun idea, you know? In theory. But in actuality? I do not want to deal with the mess that it would create. Or the smells. Well, the smells might actually be pretty good depending on—“

“Uh-huh,” he interrupts dryly. “Y/n, when's the last time you slept?”

The beat of silence that follows is enough to confirm his suspicions, and the hesitant “Um” that follows is just the icing on the cake, really.

He sighs. “The fact that you have to think about it says enough.”

“I don’t need to think about it,” you argue petulantly. “I just… don’t wanna tell you.”

“Y/n...” he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Look, I know, I'm sorry.” And you do sound a little bit sorry, at least. “I'm just. Having an episode. Don't worry about it.”

His shoulders droop as the words sink in. “Episodes” are what you've taken to calling your intermittent bouts of serious insomnia.

Generally speaking, you sleep about as well as the average twenty-something with a caffeine addiction. But every few months or so, it's like your brain completely forgets how to shut off and you end up staying awake for 40+ hours straight.

“Well,” he says, putting his toothbrush away and going back to his bedroom. “You know that ship has sailed, right? You know I'm gonna worry about it.”

Your deep sigh crackles over the line. “Yeah, I know.”

“So. Where're we at this time?”

He mentally braces himself. The two of you have done this enough times now that he knows that you know there's no point in trying to lie or beat around the bush.

“Uhhhhhhh, I'll be hitting the 46-hour mark in about 20 minutes.”

“Aish.”

The fact that you can say that so casually makes his heart hurt. He knows that whenever he doesn't get enough sleep, he makes sure everyone knows it and thus babies him accordingly. But you've always been so intent on hiding anything and everything you struggle with. It's taken years for him to bully himself past the walls you keep hidden behind shit-eating grins and an over-willingness to help.

“Okay,” he says, moving to the dresser to grab an extra set of clothes. “I'll be over in an hour.”

“Wait. What?”

“You heard me.” He tosses the clothes onto his bed before going to grab one of his duffle bags, firmly asserting, “You've got an hour to mentally prepare yourself for my arrival.”

“Honey, you've got a big storm comin',” you quote at him without hesitating.

“You sure do,” he assures with a snort. “Better get ready to feel the wrath of my friendship.”

“Why do you have to love so aggressively?”

He rolls his eyes while he throws his clothes into the duffle bag with one hand. “Because it's the only way you'll accept it, idiot.”

“No, it isn't.”

Your pout is so audible through the phone that Seungkwan has to stop and glance at the screen in disbelief.

“Y/n. Y/n L/n. Do not stand there and lie to my face like that.”

“I'm not lying!”

“Not—” He gesticulates wildly with one hand like he's going Can you believe this shit? to an invisible TV audience. “Okay, tell me this: what did you do the last time I sincerely monologued at you about how much you mean to me as a friend, hmm? No bits, no bullshit, just me telling you how much I love you and how amazing you are.”

A beat. “I'll hang up on you, Kwannie, don't test me.”

He barely resists the urge to shove his face into the bedspread and scream. “You're literally proving my point right now!”

“Kwannieeee,” you whine, because you know he's right.

“Also, because I'm never letting you live it down, I will remind you exactly what you did."

You say his name again, but it's muffled, and he assumes it's because you're hiding your face in shame.

“I gave you a sincere, heartfelt speech about how much your friendship has changed my life for the better and made me become a better person—” he ignores your wordless pterodactyl screech, “—and how do you respond? By staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights, slowly raising your arms to give me double finger guns, winking, and then slowly backing out of the room like an awkward mannequin!”

“...”

“Well?” He puts his free hand on his hip. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“… I’ve changed a lot since then.”

Seungkwan rolls his eyes before moving to continue packing his overnight bag. “It was literally three months ago.”

“Yeah, and? Doesn't change the fact that I've changed,” you assert.

“Into even more of a nuisance? Yes, you're absolutely right.” He smiles when he hears you scoff playfully.

“Listen here, Boo Seungkwan. You know that well-rested Y/n is ready to throw down with you at a moment's notice. What do you think sleep-deprived, zero-impulse-control Y/n is going to do the second you get to their front door?”

“Stop referring to themself in the third person, hopefully,” he mutters, finally zipping up his bag and heading to the door. “And then after that, they're going to let me bully them into resting.”

“Hmm. The council has heard your proposal, briefly pondered it, and deemed it “unnecessary” on the basis of: they're a bad bitch that can't be stopped by neither time nor physics nor any god of your choosing.”

Seungkwan scoffs as he puts the call on speaker and sits to put on his sneakers. “Well, “the council” can go fuck right off.”

“What if the council would like to fuck right on?”

Pausing in the middle of tying his laces, he blinks down at his phone. “I'm— what?”

“Okay, real talk, what do you think it would mean in this case? Like, would this be like a 'hop on' versus 'hop off' situation? Or more like an 'I'm down for this' versus 'I'm up for this' kinda situation? Because it would have very different outcomes depending.”

Seungkwan decides that this is a debate better left for another time. “I think it means that I'm going to be at your house soon and that if you're not in your pajamas with hot Sleepy Time tea and the series Planet Earth ready to go, there will be consequences.”

“Booooooo, you whore.”

He finishes tying his laces and jabs his finger at the phone. “Consequences, Y/n.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“See you soon, love you, bye.” He hangs up before you can get another word in, but doesn't move from his seated position in the entryway.

Slowly, he takes a deep breath in and lets it out, taking a moment to lean back on his hands while he stares at the back of his front door. Specifically, at the large collage of sticky notes and pictures and doodles that have taken up residence there.

A few of the notes are ones he's gotten from other members of your shared friend group over the years (the one from Chan that reads "if u eat my rice i'll eat ur kneecaps xoxo" hangs proudly in the center, right next to a picture of him sleeping that Seungkwan managed to capture from an extremely unflattering angle). But most of them are from you.

Dumb puns, meme references, bullshit animal facts you made up just to get him to laugh… almost all of them are stupid in that extremely charming way that only you somehow manage to pull off.

But the one he's staring at now is almost completely hidden by other notes and pictures that have been added to the collage. It's a pale blue, the ink starting to fade a bit with time — the first note you ever gave him, back when you two were just people who happened to sit next to each other in an astronomy class.

Even though most of it is hidden, he doesn't need to be able to see all the tiny words you crammed into the small space to already know exactly what it says.

how do u make a space party? u planet :P u looked sad today, hope this makes u feel a little better also if this is 2 forward feel free 2 pretend i don't exist. or punt me in2 the sun idk u'd be doing me a favor tbh

He'd almost skipped class that day because of how bad he'd been feeling, but he'd decided to try and push through. And before that day, neither of you had interacted with more than a polite greeting and the occasional question about the homework.

But then you'd passed him that note, and he'd passed one back that said “that's dumb. but thank you” with a smiley face, and you'd passed another one back that said “do u think lizard people have ever been to space?” and the rest, they say, is history.

Seungkwan shakes his head with a sigh before standing up and grabbing his bag and his keys, striding determinedly out the door. He's got a best friend to take care of.

Seungkwan should be at your place soon, and you're not quite sure what to do in the meantime.

You have your laptop hooked up to the monitor in the living room with Planet Earth queued up, you have the kettle filled with water and ready to go on the stove, and you have mugs and teabags ready on the counter next to it.

The Required Tasks™️ have been completed as much as possible without the arrival of your best friend, and now all that's left to do is wait.

Which, normally, you're not the worst at. You're excellent at entertaining yourself, actually, mostly because there's always something to think about. Whether it be about cute dogs that you've seen over the past week (I wonder if the pomeranian down the street will let me pet him next time), potential plot twists for the new fantasy drama you're a little bit obsessed with (what if Gregothy was cursed the whole time???), or generic ponderings of the human existence as a whole (do souls have the metaphysical equivalent of a fingerprint?), you're pretty much always thinking about something.

Which is totally fine and dandy and cool or whatever when you have the ability to, you know, shut it off. For example, when you need to do something simple and necessary like, oh I don't know, go the fuck to sleep.

You also hate when that manic mental energy somehow translates into kinetic energy as well. It makes you feel like a hamster in a cage, watching yourself running and running and running on that stupid wheel until you exhaust yourself.

Tonight's metaphorical wheel: stimming like wild in the kitchen. Flapping, rocking, (gently) slapping, making weird and fun mouth sounds, the whole shebang.

And again, normally stimming is fun. Stimming is great. But stimming because you feel like if you don't stop moving you're going to literally vibrate out of your skin is, to put it lightly, Not It.

It takes you about ten minutes to work out all of the energy until you no longer feel like your blood was replaced with pop rocks.

With a groan, you lower yourself to the kitchen floor and lay down face first. Because despite how exhausted you feel in every possible way, there's still something like an itch in your conscious, a fucking pea underneath the miles of mattresses that refuse to let you just. Fucking. Sleep.

Your pity party must've lasted longer than you realized (or, more likely, you dissociated for a hot second there) because suddenly someone's knocking at your door at the same time you get a text from Seungkwan.

And you know it's a text from Seungkwan specifically because you got Vernon to help you change your notification settings so that whenever Seungkwan texts you, the "i love you.. bitch" sound clip plays instead of a normal text tone.

For a fraction of a second, you contemplate slowly inching your way to the door like an uncoordinated caterpillar, but you swat the thought aside like you’re swatting a gnat and you awkwardly roll to your feet and make your way to your front door.

Without hesitating, you unlock the door, swinging it open with a flourish and sticking a finger right in Seungkwan's face before he can utter a single syllable, forcing him to cross his eyes.

You open your mouth wide like you're going to say something, pause for a moment, then tap your pointed finger to his nose with a quiet "boop."

He blinks, expression turning deadpan, and sighs. "I should have expected this, honestly."

“Yep!”

You let him into your apartment, and he makes himself right at home, mildly bitching at you as he goes to get the tea ready, and something within you shifts.

The inside of your head is still a bit of a dumpster fire, unfortunately, but inside your chest... something clicks into place that you're not sure that you're ready to name. Whatever it is, though, it's soft and warm and kinda feels like your heart is being hugged.

Smiling to yourself, you follow him into the kitchen.

💤 💤 💤 💤 💤

It was pretty much straight to “business” after that, and it only takes Seungkwan one cup of tea and two episodes listening to David Attenborough's dulcet narrations for him to knock right out, leaning heavily against your shoulder on the couch.

Which means it's now the perfect time to sit there and Admire Your Bro™️.

It's rare to see him so still, you think. He's an active guy, in pretty much every sense of the word, and you always feel a little honored when you get to be witness to his quiet, vulnerable moments like this one.

He looks so serene, face smoothed out and painted in soft twirling shades of blue from the screen of the monitor, though you can't see too much of it from this angle. Mostly you just see his cheeks and stupidly adorable button nose.

And you've seen the same thing a million times before — in all kinds of states and expressions — and despite how much you've tried to ignore it, each and every time you've caught yourself noticing just how cute Seungkwan is, it's caused that thing in your heart to scrunch up, full of the L-word feeling that you've kept unnamed for what feels like forever now.

Except, maybe that thing in your heart is tired of scrunching up. Maybe it's decided that it's tired of forever.

Maybe that thing has finally decided to burrow itself out of the walls you've built up because you find yourself finally allowing yourself to think, Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.

You don't realize that Seungkwan has completely stilled against you, but you certainly notice when he suddenly throws himself forward so he can turn around and stare at you incredulously. Only he overshoots a little bit and ends up falling off the couch with a squawk and a dramatic flail.

"Oh my god, Kwannie are you okay?!"

He stares at you from where he fell, wide-eyed like you've grown a second head or like the time you'd tried to convince him that birds weren't real and actually just a government conspiracy.

"Am— am I okay? No??"

Now it's your turn to move off of the couch, coming down to his level to see if maybe he hurt himself when he fell. "Fuck, okay, did you hit something? Do you need an icepack?"

Seungkwan being Not Okay is maybe one of the worst things that could ever happen in the entire universe and you're trying not to panic as you reach out to check for injuries.

"No, no, stop—" he bats away at your hands and you stop in your motions, now kneeling in front of him. "I'm not hurt!"

Your brain does the cartoonish screech thing as it comes to a halt, and you furrow your brows. "But.. you just said you're not okay?"

"I'm not!" His eyes are still wide in shock, but he also looks confused and maybe a little bit like he's about to cry?

Oh no. If he cries and it's somehow your fault (because it has to somehow be your fault) you think the world might actually end.

"Okay, uh. I am— confused,” you start, sure you must look as lost as you feel. “But, um, what can I do to help?"

He swallows, and a part of you realizes that he's looking at you with an expression you've never seen before. "Did you mean it?"

Knowing that it's significant but not yet knowing why, you maintain eye contact. "Mean what?"

"What you just said."

You blink. "...that I'm confused?"

He shakes his head. "No, before that."

You have a hard time remembering what you just said when you're not sleep-deprived and worried you've just somehow accidentally caused irreparable emotional damage to your best friend. "Uh... when I asked if you were okay?"

"No, fuck," and it's a shock for some reason, hearing him cuss right now. You hear him say much worse things all the time, but you think it might be the way he said it — with a kind of desperate vulnerability that you're not sure you've ever heard from him before.

That thing in your chest twinges and you think maybe you're the one who's gonna start crying.

He says your name like a plea, and then he's on his knees right in front of where you're kneeling on the floor, reaching forward to cup your face in his palms. "You said— Y/n, you said "holy shit I think I'm in love with you.””

Oh.

You're pretty sure your heart falls right out of your ass and bounces across the rug, judging from the way it comes to a dead stop. You blink at him. Full of new and sinking kind of dread, you whisper, "...I said that out loud?"

He laughs, but it's tinged with incredulity and sounds a little too close to a sob for comfort. "Yes! You did!"

And wait, no, your heart is still stuck in your chest, because you can feel it start pounding against your ribcage in double, triple, quadruple time. He must see the fear in your expression, because suddenly his eyes are narrowed in a determined scowl and he growls, "Oh no you don't."

Then you find yourself going down with a yelp as Seungkwan octopuses himself around you, trapping you within the confines of his surprisingly strong arms and legs as he basically tackles you to the floor.

You try and wiggle away even as you know it's useless, and he grits, "Y/n dammit, answer my question."

"Why were you even awake?” You deflect, getting an arm free and trying to give him a wedgie. “You were supposed to be asleep!"

"I was supposed to be asleep?!” He screeches, easily evading your reach and poking your ribs to get you to reflexively pull back your arm. “You're the one who hasn't slept in literal days! And stop avoiding my question!"

"No!" He has you trapped once again, and you resort to licking his arm.

"Oh my god!"

He muffles his scream into your shoulder, long and frustrated, and then he just... goes limp. He loosens his hold and just lets his full body weight kinda crush the parts of you he's ended up lying on and just... lays there.

This is your chance, you know — to wiggle free and escape and run away from your feelings just like you always have.

But, for some reason, you don't — that scrunched-up thing in your chest holds you back. You stay there, lying beneath Seungkwan on the floor of your living room at one-something in the morning, and the two of you just breathe.

"It's okay, you know," he murmurs after a moment, so quiet you barely hear him over David Attenborough still narrating softly in the background. "If you didn't mean it. It's okay."

Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.

And you realize how easy it would be to play it off, to blame it on the sleep deprivation, the way you blurted it out like that — to say (to lie) you meant it completely platonically, like the way you propose to Mingyu at least once a month when he cooks you all dinner.

And you also realize, quite shockingly, that despite how a part of you still desperately wants to run away, the larger part of you wants to stay. Doesn't want to run. Doesn't want to lie anymore.

You swallow heavily, briefly close your eyes, and take in a deep breath. "And if I did? Mean it?"

This time, you do notice when Seungkwan goes still. Slowly, he lifts his head so he can look you in the eyes.

When he doesn't say anything, just continues to look at you with an unreadable expression, you try to continue.

"Would you— would that— would it be okay? If I meant it? When I— when I said that I'm in love with you? Is— because um, like you said, it's okay if it's not, and uh—"

Your nervous rambling comes to a stop when he once again cups your face, but it's gentler than before, closer to a caress. The whole time you'd been talking he'd been slowly sitting up, and now he's on his knees next to where you're still lying down on the floor, looking down at you like all the hope in the world is somewhere to be found in your expression.

"Y/n." he says your name like it's something precious, and you feel the absurd urge to burst into tears. "It would be very okay." His thumbs make gentle arcs across your cheeks. "And just to be clear: you mean it in a non-platonic sense, right?” He chews on his lip. “Hopefully, in a very much romantic sense?"

Staring at him staring at you, eyes bright with hope and a little bit of wonder... you can only imagine you must be looking at him the same way. Your chest feels like it's full of helium but also like something warm and gooey is sloshing around in there. And all that hope and wonder and holy shit is this actually happening? is causing your tongue to stick to the roof of your mouth, and all you're able to get past your lips is a breathless, "Hopefully?"

"Oh my god," he groans in frustration, but it's light and airy and makes you think of amusement park rides and fairy lights and how you want to annoy the shit out of this man for the rest of his life, if he'll let you. He's shaking his head, smiling, beaming, and he asks, "Why can you never give me any kind of a straight answer, huh?"

"Because it's my life's purpose to be the bane of your existence until the day we die," you say, reaching up to hold his face too. "Also because I've never done anything straight ever in my life."

And then your body is moving before your brain can think it though, dragging him down until you can press your lips to his and finally, finally know what it's like to kiss Boo Seungkwan.

He makes a little noise of surprise, one that you can feel buzz against your lips before he melts into you. And oh, any thoughts you might have had are forcefully ejected from your brain because all you can focus on are his lips pressed to yours, the way they move slowly, gently, turning this chaste kiss into the most scorching experience of your life. His nose bumps against yours and the heat of his warm breath sends tingles throughout your body, and his hands, fuck, his hands are still holding you gently but also with a firmness that feels like he doesn't want to let you go.

And then he's pulling away, and you whine at him because this may be the cruelest thing he's ever done to you ever in your entire life. "Noooooo, why'd you stop?"

"Because, as much as I'd love to continue to make out with you on your floor while an old British man narrates about life on the Serengeti—” he mercifully ignores the way you choke on your spit at the way he talks about making out with you so nonchalantly "—it's past someone's bedtime."

Your mouth drops open in offended shock. Was he actually going to put you to bed like a child? Like you both hadn't just declared your romantic love for each other? "Are you fucking serious?"

He just stands up and crosses his arms, looking down at you with a single raised eyebrow. You take the part of you that finds it annoyingly attractive and promptly smother it, crossing your own arms from your position on the floor.

"I'm not a baby," you definitely don't pout.

"Hmmm...” And then the bastard fucking pouts at you. “But you're my baby."

You blink at him.

"Welp, that was nice while it lasted,” you grunt, rolling to your feet, “but I suddenly need to relocate to Antarctica and become a penguin herder.”

He pulls you into his arms with a laugh, and you let him, burying your face in the crook of his shoulder.

“You know,” he starts after he's held you for a few moments. “This isn't how I ever imagined how us confessing to each other would go.”

You snort.

“But also,” he continues, “it feels very 'us' doesn't it?”

"Yeah,” you murmur, not bothering to lift your head from his shoulder.

“Mmm, is someone finally sleepy?” he teases, starting to waddle you both towards your bedroom. “Did all the emotions finally wear you out?”

Instead of nodding, you lightly kick him in the shin and the sappy part of your brain that is currently in charge of everything thinks that his indignant squawk is one of your most favorite sounds.

The sappy part of your brain is right, of course, and when you wake up in your bed 15 hours later and accidentally smack him in the face, the urge to run is a little bit smaller than it was before. And the way he flushes bright red after you sleepily kiss him on the cheek is an image you're going to cherish until the day you die.

#svtsource #seungkwan fluff #seungkwan fic #seungkwan x y/n #seungkwan x you #seungkwan x reader #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #savv writes #savv fics #in my queue world

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the-skin-inthe-bath-is-mine · 5 days

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This is a personal project that I'll be embroidering and sewing by hand.

Okay so I'm planning the 20cm test before finishing the 10cm tests just because it takes a while to polish off the digital planning. Gives me something to do when I can't access my embroidery stuff. I have three characters in mind just because I'm currently limited to yellow/blonde hair + pale completion with fabric. I'm only gonna pick one to do for now. Doing an established character just in case I grow a pair and decide to sell it if the project turns out okay. Three different characters from three different fandoms+ rambling under the cut. I'll most likely be posting progress for whoever is picked like with most of my projects so if there's any bias for who anyone wants to see lmk. The possible test subjects are Satan (OBM) Raphael (WHB) and Nazuna Nito (Enstars)

Used my fandom blogs @ for the drawings out of habit. Oh and these all have some type of animal ears because I think it's cute. I wanna use snaps magnets or velcro to hold everything in place but I'm not sure yet.

Satan - Obey Me

The only one who looks halfway decent because I've been drawing him since 2021. My goal is to make a large scale Thirteen plushie with a lamb theme similar to the middle Satan. I also really don't like it when people delude Tanny to cat guy but I am a cat guy so he's most likely getting optional kitten ears if picked. The plain bows would just be plain embroidery but if the lamb design is picked I'll be embroidering fabric on top of fabric. I don't know what the methods called. I'm not a professional. I have an idea on how to make Satan's tail but would be weird to explain??? Possibly my favorite but that's just because the Obey Me brain worms run deep. Also the only one I feel confident in making clothes for.

Raphael - What in Hell is Bad

Look. We aren't gonna talk about why I'm playing the horny demon game. I don't understand why I play either. Anyway. I love Raphael's design too bad I wanna choke him in the most violent lest sexual way possible. This design would involve a lot of sewing fabric on fabric which I really don't mind. I have an idea on how to make little bandages that a kinda wanna tryout. The only thing is I'd like to add beads to the embroidery for his piercings. A bit of a price to pay for only doing one eye but I think it's worth it. This one specifically will also be good practice for using metallic embroidery thread. I'm torn between bunny and the fake horns??? Raphael is just annoying angry rabbit chewing on power cords coded. The only problem is I'd probably wanna make the other two dick heads eventually and *vague choking gestures* why are those freaks so damn pretty. Overall a lot of fun different textures to play with. The only thing is I probably won't post much about making him aside from helpful design components because dude is from a R18 game.

Nazuna Nito - Ensemble Stars

I actually already own a few Enstars plushies and plan on making both Jin and Akiomi for the larger scale tests. So. Yea. I don't think I need anymore??? The first is the easiest with the whole bunny thing. Probably gonna sew the fabric for the stomach art on and embroider around it. Second is loosely based on Nazuna's first 5* event card. It was the event that was going on when I started playing Enstars. Trying to figure out the game while playing Love it Love it still haunts my nightmares. The final one is based on his recent scout 5* I need to work on coloring gemstones but I think it'd translate nicely to embroidery. This design is gonna be the easiest out of this bunch. The most complicated thing will probably be color matching embroidery thread.

#I'll decide to add fandom tags later #do I want the main tag to know my sins? probably not.#🐑 screaming into a cave #angy eepy

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orionsangel86 · 10 months

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I would like to hear your GOmens opinions! I feel like the fandom is a mix of reasonable and bathshit dumb opinions.

Oh nonny I don't know if you truly do! My opinions are controversial at minimum and likely to get me cancelled by GO fandom at most!

*deep breath* Okay you asked for it. Don't come at me when you don't like what I have said.

I'll put this under a cut cos it'll no doubt get long and ranty and look fair warning to anyone clicking read more, these are JUST one person's opinions. We can disagree on those things. I'm not going around screaming at people that they are wrong and I've kept this all very close to my chest for a very long time now. So please take that with a pinch of salt before you decide to read my rant.

*sigh* this is probably a bad idea but here goes...

The thing is, I love analysing TV and film and literature, and I take an analytical view of things where I try to set myself apart as much as possible from the highly emotional volatile fandom response. (I dont always succeed in this but I try).

One thing I always stress is that characters in TV shows or movies are *not real people* and therefore you can't apply real people sensitivities to them. They are instead frankenstein mixes of what the creative team wants them to be, and every little decision about the characters is carefully thought out. Intention and interpretation matters. My view on a character is not an invalidation of a real persons identity. If I say a character is not X, that does not mean I think that real people who are X are not valid, or that I don't believe in their real life identity. Is this all clear so far? Okay.

Representation also matters and I have seen Good Omens fandom tie themselves up in a frenzie of policing fans and call out posts accusing anyone who wants more from AziraCrows relationship a whole multitude of x-phobics depending on the buzzword of the day. To the point that these fans have convinced themselves that a kiss or love declaration or ANYTHING from AziraCrow that would be considered more explicit than what we got in Season 1 is something they DON'T want because somehow that would take away from the *x-identity rep* theyve decided to claim as canon. But sadly these fans have rather deluded themselves because none of those identities are *canon* in season 1. Even the claims that AziraCrow are gender non conforming non binary etc are not *canon* because *canon* means that any dumbass regular audience member could watch the thing and say "oh. That character is x". Yes Crowley is Nanny Asteroth for a time, but a general audience is just going to view that as male Crowley in drag. Sorry but its the truth. They see David Tennant playing Crowley, they see a male actor playing Crowley, they are gonna view Crowley as a male. Unless it is textually stated by Crowley that he isn't male, then they aren't gonna get it and it isn't the rep you want it to be, because representation should mean that everyone ELSE also notices and learns to understand about those marginalised identities.

Take Sandman. Very gay. Very very gay. So gay that people from the dumbass general audience (the DGA going forward) went online to complain about it being gay because the gay was so very obvious to them, so obvious in fact they claimed *every* character in Sandman was gay and having gay sex and I'll be honest it left me rather disappointed when Morpheus didnt fuck Hob Gadlings brains out in episode 6 like he clearly wanted to, but I digress.

Take OFMD, Jim is a canonical non binary character and the show makes this clear in the canon text without ever having Jim say they are "non binary" or have the clumsy awkward explanation that is clearly for the DGA about it, but instead the conversation flows naturally - are you a woman? I don't know. Are you a man? I don't know. I'm just Jim. Okay Just Jim. We will refer to you by they/them pronouns now. It's all cool.

But Crowley and Aziraphale are characters played by male actors who always use he/him pronouns. Even as Nanny Asteroth no one ever refers to the nanny as "she". So its not clear to the DGA. Them being asexual may be a valid headcanon, but its not canon if its never mentioned. If at some point someone said something to Zira about sex and he said "oh I don't go in for that sort of thing" then sure, that's got some canon merit to it, but otherwise Good Omens can NOT be applauded for being good asexual representation on television.

If your general audience of braindead heteronormative idiots isnt seeing it, its not technically canon. Its implied, subtextual, queer coded, hinted at, etc, but not *canon*. Its not gonna get a GLAAD nomination for representation and a bunch of queer journalists writing articles about it if its only *subtext*.

I don't recall any of the queer media people applauding Good Omens for being queer representation. I recall them all sort of scratching their heads being like "is it...?" and I recall a lot of people getting rather annoyed because NG took a stance online proclaiming that it was an obvious love story when really, from just watching the show... it kind of wasn't?

God this is gonna get me so much hate... *sigh* okay look. I adore season 1. I was totally with you guys celebrating how queer it all seemed to me and loving NGs responses on Twitter to anyone questioning the "friendship" between Az+Crow. I was also online getting wrapped up in the fandom echo chamber claiming it was 100% canon and anyone who didn't see it was a homophobic moron or whatever... yeah... but I've grown up a lot since 2019 surprisingly - the whole Destiel going "canon" and then getting shoved forcefully back into the metaphorical closet was a big eye opener and everything changed after November 5th 2020.

Suddenly, what Az+Crow had in season 1 wasn't enough anymore. It should never have been enough to begin with. I recall my very first watch and how I was seeing all the subtext and coding and clear romantic tropes build and build and then we got to that final scene in the ritz and all I wanted was for them to take each others hands, I watched with eager anticipation and... it didn't happen. I can vividly recall the disappointment I felt at that moment. I didn't need a kiss, or a declaration, but I wanted them to hold hands in that scene. They got so close! Zira leans in and places his hand on the table right by Crowley and my GOD it was like being edged without the pay off. I hated it. I HATED it because it would have been SO EASY but they didn't do it.

I also recall getting quietly annoyed at NG for claiming they held hands on the bus. I watched the slowed down zoomed in gifs of that moment and sorry, but no. They don't. Even if the actors actually DID hold hands, the camera doesn't pick it up clearly enough for it to mean a damn thing.

I totally understand people claiming that Az+Crow are already queer. It's totally valid to see yourself in them and want them to represent you. But the painful truth is that in season 1 of the show, they aren't anything of what you claim them to be. They are two characters who are male presenting who are very good friends to the point that its all a bit homoerotic. The DGA isn't gonna take any time to think about the complexities of angel and demon gender or the lack thereof, they are only gonna see two male actors playing said angel and demon. They aren't gonna think about you and your identity, and they aren't gonna pick up the subtext even if it is painfully obvious. Because they won't see it as gay unless it is explicitly gay.

But Saz, why should we care what the DGA thinks?

Because thats what this whole argument has always been about. Because that's what canon means. No one, not even the DGA are arguing today about whether or not Castiel is gay. No one in the DGA is arguing about Stede and Blackbeard, or Lucius. No one is arguing about the Corinthian or Johanna Constantine. They see that these characters are queer, they accept it. Simple. Because of this, it counts towards representation. Because it normalises our identities. By putting our identities into mainstream stories in such a way that they are unavoidable for the DGA, THAT is what representation is.

When characters and stories keep our identities buried in subtext and allusions and queer coding which quite frankly should have been left in the hays code era, it doesn't count towards representation, no matter what your fandom echo chamber may scream into the void. Or, for that matter, what your creator and fantasy genre author may claim in the void either.

Word of God may help us in a lot of ways, but if they aint putting it into the actual text, then word of god is meaningless in terms of representation as well. Disney claiming Valkyrie was bisexual doesn't mean a damn thing if she never discusses her bisexuality or has any scenes where she shows interest in the same sex. Thankfully that changed in the latest movie, but for a long time it was a problem.

Okay then. So what am I saying? Was NG queerbaiting us with AziraCrow in season 1?

No. Gods I hate that word. Queerbaiting is only occurring when the creators involved maliciously add queer subtext with the explicit intention of gaining popularity among queer audiences specifically with no intention to reward them by actually making those characters queer.

Now, I may not agree with people who claim Crowley and Aziraphale are explicitly queer in season 1, but I also don't think NG ever intended GO to be a queer show. He made GO to be a popular fantasy show as a last wish for his friend Terry Pratchet. He made it extremely faithful to the book in every way (in some ways, to the detriment of the show) and that includes keeping AziraCrows relationship in safe platonic territory. Yes he ramped up the romantic subtext, but I fully believe that this was because he had already decided he was going to further develop the story if season 1 was a hit, but I don't think for a second that he predicted that it would gain such massive traction in queer fandom circles.

No malicious intent to utilise the queer community, no queerbaiting. So lets just stamp down on that accusation once and for all. It's bullshit.

But that changes in season 2. So here is where I have been getting annoyed at GO fandom lately with all this "we don't need it to be explicit! A kiss would invalidate my identity! If they do anything it'll take away from ace rep! etc etc" SHUt UP!

Why do all these fans think kissing is something ace people don't do? Why would an innocent kiss invalidate ace rep? Are you HEARING YOURSELVES?! and okay, even if you are an ace person who does not ever kiss, are you so opposed to words of affirmation too? Are you a hater of love declarations now? Why is THAT such a terrible thing? You are deluding yourselves, and I get why. You are trying to protect yourselves from disappointment because you have spent 4 years screaming at people online and policing people who dare to say that AziraCrow aren't already canonically together and in love and have somehow tied your own identity into these characters to the point that you are frightened that season 2 might disprove your words and somehow invalidate your identity. Gods forbid if they DO kiss now you have lost the precious representation you claimed was so important to you right? But its NOT the case!

If nothing happens in GO S2 then it WOULD be queerbaiting. For the FIRST TIME. Because NG knows now how important AziraCrow's relationship is to the queer fans and he himself has been claiming its a love story for 4 years. If he didn't put his money where his mouth is and make them explicitly canonically queer and together in season 2 then I'm sorry but it would very much be queerbaiting. Keeping the loud queer fanbase on tenterhooks, getting them all excited so that GO trends on social media and then NOT following through? That's CLASSIC QUEERBAITING.

But NG isn't doing that. Because they are going to be together. Because it will be explicitly queer. Because even the trailer indicates this is the case. The season 1 GO trailer didn't include any of the romantic subtext if I recall correctly, it was solely promoted as a silly fantasy show. The season 2 trailer leans into the romance. It'll be explicitly clear - because I don't think NG is stupid enough to not go through with it. I understand why he didn't in season 1, there was a lot more at stake and he wanted to keep it totally 100% faithful to the book, but season 2 is a blank page, open book, nothing stopping it from happening. Plus, in 2023, in a post Destiel confession, post OFMD world, not going there would be just the most idiotic bad for business move the man could make.

So can GO fans please stop making bad faith arguments about why AziraCrow shouldn't be more explicitly together in season 2? Because I'll be honest, it is coming across less like you wanna protect the supposed "Ace representation" and more like maybe you are just uncomfortable with the idea of two middle aged male actors being physically intimate on screen.

Also if NG doesn't have the balls to go through with it, then can y'all please stop protecting him? I love the guy. I do. I think he is a talented genius who has done more for the fantasy genre than anyone else alive today. But gods, if he doesn't let AziraCrow at least confirm to themselves or other people that they have non platonic feelings for each other, in such a way that the DGA understands that this is a non platonic love story, then he deserves all the angry asks and queerbaiting accusations he will inevitably get. Personally, I don't think he's that dumb. So perhaps his fans can also have a bit more faith in him too.

**to anyone who may want to address the spoiler in this post, please don't. I am aware of it and have chosen in this ask to not acknowledge it so that all fans can read this, besides, the spoiler itself does not actually change anything I have mentioned here especially with some of the daft theories I have seen surrounding it.**

Okay I'm done. Rant over. Proceed to cancel me if you must.

#fandom discourse #good omens #good omens discourse #wank for ts #representation matters #queer media

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nocturnalghoul · 1 year

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✨️Get to know me!✨️

Tagged by @anotherghoul666 I feel so popular lol :D

Share your wallpaper: okay my main lock screen is my girlfriend and I, which I am not sharing, so here is my home screen. It is in fact girldick Sunny because I saw Crow (I think?) post it and immediately went "yep I'm using that" (ignore my 8k emails o.o and the fact that its 2am, well 3 by the time I am posting this)

Last song you listened to: Secrets of the Stars by The Milk Carton Kids (working on a fic inspired by it rn)

Currently reading: I'm semi-rereading Dracula but that doesn't count in my opinion because I've read that book too many times. My at work book is Odd Apolocalypse by Dean Koontz (the fifth book in the Odd Thomas series). I had started that series years ago back in college and only recently realized I had stopped at book 4 so I decided to finish it out.

Last movie: Listen, I take zero pride in this but the answer is Goon (2011). I had a super bad week at work last week and it weirdly always makes me feel better. Sometimes you gotta watch a not great movie to make the brain happy.

Craving: I would commit a crime for one of those lemon Italian ices right now.

Currently wearing: Drag Talk tshirt, Astros shorts (I'm a big baseball fan), "Bigfoot is real and he tried to eat my ass" baseball cap to keep my hair out of my face.

How tall are you: a little above 5'7" although people always assume I am taller, I do not know why.

Piercings: I have a singular helix piercing on the right ear that I am still trying to heal but am open to more.

Tattoos: None currently. I love the idea of getting tattoos but also have a policy I have to like the idea for at least a year before I get it and nothing has made it past that waiting period. I'm just not good at permanence.

Glasses/contact lenses: Glasses wearer. They are big and green :). I cannot do contacts cause I got a whole thing about anything getting near my eyes so I can never put them in.

Last drink: strawberry lemonade flavored sparkling water. It's yummy!

Last show: currently working my way through The Expanse

Last thing you ate: Banana bread (I made it myself)

Favorite color: blues and greens which is very apparent when you look at me and that is the color of most stuff I own

Current obsession: I mean Ghost, but also Wild Child released a new album on Friday (they are like more of an indie folk vibe) and I am so excited.

Unrelated obsession: the games Hi-Fi Rush and Melatonin. I LOVE rhythm games so much.

Pets: I have a little gray cat named Pierre! He has a whole backstory my former roommate and I made up lol. He is a little french orphan boy and chimney sweep (hence why he is gray). He also has an overbite and his little fangs poke out of his mouth when he sleeps like little vampire fangs so he is a tiny vampire.

Do you have a crush on someone? Does my girlfriend count because she is the only person who has ever successfully convinced me to care enough to date them. I'm more of a large amount of friends kinda girlie.

Favorite fictional character: I am so bad at picking favorites in general but now my mind is void of every character I have loved ever.

Last place I traveled to: I went to Greece last August with my mother cause it was lifelong dream of hers. I'm sure I've traveled within the states since then but outside of Austin for a concert cannot for the life of me think where.

I feel so lame to once again break this chain but I'm historically late to the game and am fairly certain everyone I know has been tagged already so I'm gonna go for the cheap option of if you want to do this and haven't please consider this me tagging you, even if we haven't really interacted. Have fun <3

#tag games #nocturnal ramblings

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fraddit · 2 years

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I wanted to do a fic rec list for buddie, but also I hate deciding things and I'm bad at writing pretty things about the fics I like. So I just went through my roughly 200 ao3 buddie bookmarks, pulled out the ones that, as stated above, made my brain go !!!, and put them in alphabetical order.

There's 50 fics in total, so I broke it down to 5, more manageable, posts of 10 fics each. This is the first post. I hope you enjoy.

Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

a flower in a gun (a bird in flight) by @extasiswings (T, 3k)

Even if Buck felt the same—and Eddie isn’t convinced of that, doesn’t have the arrogance to assume—what right does he have to say please, to say wait, to ask Buck to put his life on hold indefinitely while Eddie sorts through the tangled mess in his head in the hope that one day he’ll finally be ready? He can’t be that selfish. Especially not with Buck. [Or: in the aftermath of the shooting, love endures.]

a hundred little pieces by @renecdote (G, 3k)

The tap is bloody, the sink stained red, paper towels wadded up and abandoned in it, soaked with blood, and Eddie can taste his heart in his throat, sour and metallic, because he’s doing the math and—shit. Kitchen + blood + blood thinners = only bad things. (Multiplied by Buck, which equals Eddie’s blood pressure jumping through the roof.) In which Eddie takes care of Buck.

And if you swear that you’re alright, I’m not gonna try and change your mind by @homerforsure (T, 8k)

"Buck wants to shake him. He’s staring at him right now and Eddie looks haunted. He looks exhausted, like he could sleep for a hundred years, and there’s a wildness in the depths of his eyes as he talks about moving on that betrays how desperately he wants it to be true and how much of a lie it really is. Eddie looks the way Buck’s sure he looks right now and if Eddie would just say that he’s not okay, Buck might feel a little less alone. A little less crazy. A little less broken." Buck and Eddie both struggle after being held hostage.

and longer by far by @buckactuallys (T, 14.5k)

“Eddie’s been married once, and after Shannon asked him for a divorce and then died before they could do anything about it, he figured that was it for him. One marriage with all its ups and downs is enough for a lifetime. Granted, he didn’t think he’d fall in love with Buck and be lucky enough for that love to be returned.” OR Everyone seems to expect Eddie to propose to Buck any minute now, which is annoying because Eddie doesn’t want to get married again. He's sure of that. Or is he?

at the kitchen table by @oatflatwhite (T, 1.5k)

“Have you ever thought about us? Together?” * Post-5.03. Eddie's single. Buck's not. They talk about the elephant in the room.

Bases Loaded by @lamardeuse (E, 2k)

Eddie asks to go slow.

This fic is a lovely piece about Buck being patient with Eddie while he slowly gets used to the idea of being sexually intimate with another man.

Before the Night Fades by @milenadaniels (T, 8.5k)

“I have a bottle of champagne, four champagne flutes, one engagement ring to go into one of those champagne flutes, and a note to deliver it all to table 34 with dessert,” Tomas explains, wide-eyed, throwing his hand back to the prep station where said champagne is waiting on ice next to four flutes and a small ring box. “Okay?” “Okay so there’s two men and two women and I have no idea who’s getting proposed to. I’m not even 100% on who came with who." --- Or, EddieAna and BuckTaylor double date and it ruins everyone's night.

Please read this fic. It's a very funny and well written outsider pov. A true gem.

Burn a bridge, learn how to swim by WatermelonShots (M, 13k)

In which there is some unexpected making out, some pining, one third of an existential crisis and a lot of unhelpful advice. Not necessarily in that order.

This is the first part of the Burn a bridge, learn how to swim series, which is maybe my number one favorite fic series for Buddie. The internal monologues are so amusing and awkward and charming.

Buy Back the Secrets by @littlespooneven (T, 19k)

He casts his gaze to the right, to the voice he’d heard a minute ago and the hand still on his shoulder. And, well. Okay. So Buck may have just been unconscious for an indeterminable length of time but he doesn’t think he’s exaggerating when he says the guy leaning over his bedside is one of the most attractive people he’s seen in a long time. Especially when his face splits into a smile that rivals the brightness of the hospital lights that almost just fucking blinded Buck a second ago. “Welcome back, hotshot,” the guy says and it sounds fond – familiar – and Buck honestly has no idea who this guy is. His brown hair is dishevelled on top of his head and his eyes look tired but then Buck notices the LAFD t-shirt so- alright. Someone from the firehouse, maybe? But he’s pretty sure he’d remember a face like that. * After getting hurt on a call, Buck wakes up thinking it's 2018. AKA Buck can't remember who Eddie is but he's pretty sure everyone's lying when they say they're "just friends."

Ciara is the one who lured me into the buddie fandom. Any fic by her is worth a read, but this is one of my favorites.

Close My Eyes and Stumble (Right Into Your Love) by @hmslusitania (M, 21.5k)

Eddie's PTSD is just that little bit worse and when he moves to Los Angeles, instead of joining the LAFD, he joins dispatch. Which is all good and fine, except for this one firefighter he keeps ending up talking to.

This lovely fic is an AU where Eddie is the one who works at dispatch in s1 instead of Abby.

#buddie fic #buddie fic rec #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #911 fox #911 #buck x eddie #eddie x buck #fraddit buddie fic recs #shut up fraddit

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msviolacea · 2 years

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reading when the wicked play again after years and oh god it's as good as I remember. not sure if it'll ever get updated but are there any sneak peaks/story points you can share? I'm craving knowing what happens next

Lovely anon, I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is, I've finally given myself permission to consider this story permanently abandoned, so I can hopefully rid myself of the occasional crushing guilt over not finishing it. The good news? Twofold!

One: I'm gonna make a post later with a bunch of random stuff I never got to write.

Two: I got partly through the garden party before my brain refused to work anymore, so here, have approximately 2300 words of the next chapter that never made it to AO3!

(And if you're newer to Critical Role/Vox Machina and have some vague interest in nearly 25k words of a permanently unfinished modern AU in which event planner Vex and prime minister's son Percy meet while playing an MMO, well ... here you go.)

By the time 10:00am rolls around on Sunday, Vex has discovered all new levels of stress and anxiety. She’s been at the park since 6:00am - she was actually contemplating sleeping in her office overnight Saturday, but Keyleth caught her and marched her out to her car before midnight. “Sleep. Shower. Dress. It will all be fine.” Which is easy for Keyleth to say, since her part in the festivities is technically over now. (And she’s done a wonderful job, Vex tells her readily - the gardens have never looked brighter or more eye-catching.) “I’ll be here tomorrow,” Keyleth tells her. “Vax and I will keep an eye on the hired staff while you problem solve. We’ve got it covered. I promise.”

And boy, are there problems to solve. Vesper emails her with changes to the seating arrangements four times in the last 24 hours, moving various people to avoid any diplomatic incidents. After the fourth time, Vex sends a newly arrived Kynan to track down an extra table while she redraws the diagram to fit another one onto the porch, because it’s impossible to take care of all of Vesper’s requests without a new table. Adding a new table means one of the smaller bars needs to be relocated, which then triggers a cascade of minor changes that ends with Vex throwing her hands up in the air at the idea of having to reconfigure the TV camera positions. “They’ll kill me, the techs spent all day yesterday rigging this stuff. Everyone will just have to deal with stepping over some wires to get to the dessert table.”

As soon as she starts walking back towards her office, Kynan catches her. “Um. The caterers need to talk to you.”

That conversation makes Vex see red; she’s raging enough that she doesn’t see Percy walking toward her on the garden path until she’s walked directly into him. “What the - oh!” She blinks up at him. “Hello …”

“Everything okay?” he asks, his fingers circling her wrists. Her traitorous brain flashes back to the way those same fingers looked wrapped around his cock, and she feels heat rise into her cheeks. “I was looking for you, your assistant told me you were over here …”

Then her brain catches up to her. “Fuck! Your family is here already? I’m not even dressed, I was going to go back to my office and change but then the fucking caterers decided to throw a diva fit.” When he releases her, she rubs her eyes. “Oh god, is this over yet?”

“Calm down,” he says. “Vesper and I came early. She’s doing a walk-through of the seating arrangements with your assistant. Mom won’t be here for another hour or so.” Percy gives her a small, comforting smile. “Everything looks good over there. Trust me.”

Vex relaxes, just a bit. “Oh good. I’m so not ready to meet your mom yet.”

“You’re going to be fine, I promise.” He smiles, and Vex finally takes him in - he’s dressed in an impeccably fit blue suit, his white hair slicked back from his face, a gold pocket square decorating his chest, the color matching the subtle stripes in his tie. He looks amazing … and yet, her mind overlays his image with that of him sitting naked in his office chair, sweaty and wrecked. Which is absolutely not the image she needs in her head right now. “Is there anything I can help with?” he asks.

“No, no, you’re a guest today, and we’re doing fine.” She takes a deep breath. “We’re doing fine,” she repeats. “The caterers will do their job, because they want to impress the prime minister. And if they try to shake me down for more money again afterwards, I will make sure no one in local event planning ever hires them again. It’ll be okay.”

“Yes, it will.” They stand there staring at each other for a long moment - gods, she can’t think about him right now, she’ll go mad. But she can’t stop staring, not until he scratches his head and laughs. “Okay, you have things to do, I won’t keep you any longer.”

On a whim, Vex goes up on her toes and kisses him on the cheek. The contact feels like an electric jolt. “Thank you, Percy,” she says. Then she flees, before she’s tempted to do something stupid, like make out with him in the garden while she has a million things to do.

She heads through the back hallways to get to her office - no matter how many assurances Percy might give her, she doesn’t want to see Vesper today until she’s fully presentable. Her dress is hanging on her office door; a simple blue dress, comfortable and unobtrusive, one that will help her blend in with the crowd without being mistaken for one of the very rich attendees. Her low heels are the kind she can run in without twisting her ankle, and she’s able to put her hair up in a decent braided style even without her brother’s help, thank you very much. A bit of makeup, a spritz of fragrance to try to counteract the sweating she’s likely going to be doing very soon, and voila, she’s ready for the day.

With a deep breath and a couple of silent affirmations, Vex heads out to the garden to face the party.

Percy has a problem, and her name is Vex. This is nothing new, of course, but if Vesper notices how much he’s watching Vex make her way back and forth across the garden - instead of giving his full attention to the random rich people she made him sit with for the day - it will be an even bigger problem than usual. Luckily, he’s got some practice making inane small talk without really paying attention. (It’s a necessary skill when your mother is a politician.) So he lets his eyes continue to follow Vex whenever he can. She’s wearing a knee-length dark blue dress that shouldn’t be anything special, but Percy can’t help but notice the way the fabric clings to her hips as she walks. But aside from that, he sees a side of her he hasn’t yet been privileged enough to see - the professional, the incredibly competent woman who gets the sound system working again with one ten-second phone call, who jumps in to serve mimosas to a table when one of the wait staff is stuck helping another guest figure out the drink menu, whose expression doesn’t change from the pleasant smile she’s been wearing for the whole party even when she’s obviously listening to Minister Ryndarian complain about something. He can see why Vesper likes her so much - they’re cut from the same cloth, clearly.

Eventually, he tries to pay attention to the people at his table - at the wrong time, apparently, because when he glances back over Vex is striding towards the path to one of the smaller gardens, followed by a party guest who Percy knows he should recognize, but can’t quite place. The carefully blank look on Vex’s face makes Percy’s stomach clench; something’s gone wrong. He’s out of his seat, making excuses to his table mates before he can even think about it. “She’s a professional, she can handle it,” he mutters under his breath, even as he casually makes his way toward the same path. But the look on her face hadn’t struck him as a professional problem. “And maybe you’re just imagining things,” he tells himself.

None of his muttered words stop him from heading deeper into the park, in the direction Vex went.

He treads carefully, and nearly turns back when he doesn’t hear anything as he approaches the next small garden. But then he hears Vex’s voice, coming from behind a patch of trees. “... my job,” she’s saying. “I’ve been working on this party for months.”

“It’s more than a bit embarrassing, Vex’ahlia, to look up and realize that my children are waiting tables at a party for the prime minister.” Oh. Her father. The asshole. Percy’s hand clenches into a fist without thought.

“I’m in charge of the whole damned party, Father. I was serving drinks because some woman at your table was holding up my waiter with questions about the brand of orange juice in the mimosas. Vax is waiting tables because he wanted to help. And quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what we’re doing, it doesn’t concern you at all.”

“It very much concerns me. It’s my reputation on the line, if someone recognizes you and asks me why my children are the help at this event.”

“You have no idea how little I care for your reputation,” Vex says, practically spitting the last word. “But if you’re that worried, tell them we’re not your children. It’s practically the truth anyway.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Oh no? It’s worked like that for the last ten or fifteen years, why can’t it continue? We’re all happier that way.”

“I don’t want - I just wish,” he says, sighing, “that you’d become something better.”

Percy can’t stay silent any longer. He’s not sure if Vex will appreciate the intrusion, but a cold, terrible anger settles into his chest, and he walks around the trees that have kept him hidden. “If you’re looking for someone better than Vex’ahlia,” he says, channeling all the haughty asshole attitude his family name entitles him to, “then I seriously question your judgement, Ambassador.”

Both Vex and her father turn sharply - there’s panic in both their expressions, but after a split second, something slightly warmer comes into Vex’s eyes, and Percy feels his breath even out. “Ah,” Ambassador Vessar says, recovering quickly, “Mr. de Rolo - Percival - my daughter and I -”

“Mr. de Rolo will work,” Percy says coldly. “And I believe you’ll want to return to your seat, my mother’s speech will begin shortly.”

The ambassador looks at him for a long moment, then gives only the slightly glance back to Vex before walking back down the path. Percy and Vex look at each other silently for a long moment, until they can no longer hear his footsteps. Then they both speak at once. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know if -”

“Oh my god, thank you -”

They both stop in mid-sentence. Percy feels himself flush red, Vex lets out a little laugh. “Seriously,” she says. “That was - well, maybe the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me about my father, aside from Vax.”

“He’s an asshole.” The rage is still simmering inside of Percy, but it’s slowly changing to another sort of liquid warmth at Vex’s expression. “I’ve never - I mean, I have my issues with my parents sometimes, but gods, I can’t imagine either of them ever saying anything half as terrible to any of us. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“It’s nothing new,” she says, shrugging.

“That just makes it worse.”

“Let’s not talk about it.” She walks over to him, comes up on her toes, and kisses him on the cheek. It’s the second time she’s kissed him today, and each time, the contact has raced straight to parts of his body that really shouldn’t be engaged at his mother’s birthday party. “If your mother’s getting ready to give her speech, it’s later than I thought it was.”

“I may have exaggerated the time a little.” Percy grins down at her. “There’s probably a good half hour until that happens.”

Her laugh is bright and clear and everything it feels like he’s ever wanted to hear. “You’re an asshole, and also my favorite.” Then she takes a deep breath, squaring her shoulders. “But I should still get back to the party. Oh! Wait, were you looking for me for something in particular?”

“No,” he has to admit. “I just … well, I saw you walking back here, and you didn’t look very happy. It may have been none of my business - it probably was none of my business - but I couldn’t … I mean …” He stumbles over his words, knowing how stupid they sound, given how little time they’ve known each other in real life.

Vex’s smile softens; it makes Percy’s heart do a little flip in his chest. “Thank you,” she says. “Really. That means a lot.”

They stare at each other for a moment, before Percy rubs the back of his neck. “Ah. We should probably get back, anyway. Vesper will kill me if she notices I’m gone.”

“And I need to make sure nothing is on fire anywhere.” Vex brushes unseen debris off her dress. “This is almost over. I just need to get through the speech and dessert,and everything will be fine.”

“Everything is fine. Trust me.” Percy pauses, then smiles. “You look fantastic today, by the way.”

She visibly brightens at the compliment. “Oh! Thank you, darling!”

Percy blushes. She’s used the endearment online many times, but there’s something about hearing it when she’s right here - gods, he’s in bad shape where she’s concerned. He tries to cover his reaction by gesturing to the path. “After you.”

They go their separate ways when they rejoin the party; Percy sits back down at his table and starts a superficial conversation with a woman he knows came from Emon just for his mother’s event. He loses track of Vex as the meal winds down. When his mother gets up and starts speaking at the small podium built on the east side of the garden, he gives her his full attention. She’s a good speaker - she has to be, to keep her position for so many years. And she sounds genuinely touched to see so many people here - she probably is, because despite the fact that she knows a lot of this is for politics, his mother is the kind of person who recognizes and appreciates those who show up for more than political gain. And the others, well, they won’t recognize that the prime minister’s smiles for them are a bit sharper than they are for others.

#critical role #vox machina #perc'ahlia #my fic #my brain got tripped up at the next part #and despite blindvogel's best efforts #it never got unstuck #i'm sorry it did #i still love this story #and i still get the most amazing comments on it #which some days keep me going more than you know

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nashibirne · 3 years

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Gimme Shelter - 7

Here it is, the last chapter of Gimme Shelter. It took me a while to write it, I kinda had a hard time to let Kat and Henry go... I'm going to miss them. I hope you like the ending I chose for these two. If so, please let me know by leaving a comment, reblog or like. Feedback is much appreciated. 💜

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC (Kat Spencer)

Words: ~ 4.5 k

Summary: Henry has to deal with a personal crisis and he finds shelter with his old rugby mate Sam and his sister Kat. She used to be Henry’s best friend a very long time ago. Will they be able to become friends again or maybe even more? Chapter 7: An important conversation, a celebration and lots of love.

You can find the previous chapters and my other fics on my masterlist!

Warnings: RPF, mention of mental health issues, smut, sex (p in v), vanilla, unprotected sex, nsfw, 18+, fluff

UNBETA'ED! English is not my mother tongue, so expect bad grammar, wrong spelling, chaotic punctuation and clumsy language. All mistakes are mine…

I got a little help with a certain paragraph, thank you so much @sillyrabbit81 for your advice and your support. Love ya 💕

Credits: Pics for the moodboard from Pinterest. Face claims: Kat = Jennifer Connelly

Disclaimer: I don’t know the real Henry Cavill or anyone who's related to him in any way, this is pure fiction and a lot of wishful thinking.

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @artandotherdelights @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @liliumdream @enchantedbytomandhenry @greensleeves888 @witcherfan @margauxmargaux07 @radaofrivia @m07belzen @a-little-counter-esperanto @starstruckkittyangel @mary-ann84 @sillyrabbit81 @emelinelovesjc @wheretheriversrunintothesea @lam0ureuxq @kingliam2019

Let the grand finale begin....

***********

"There's no need to be nervous, Kat."

Henry gave her a smile before taking a sip of his coffee.

They were sitting at their gate, waiting to board the plane that was going to fly them to Jersey.

"I know", Kat sighed, shaking her head slowly, "but I still am. I haven't seen your family in years, there will be so many people I don't know…"

"And they will love you. Look, Kitty, today is gonna be relaxed. You'll meet my parents, my brothers and their families and that's it. Just a casual dinner. Tomorrow there will be the celebration and I promise you it's gonna be great. My folks know how to party," he winked at her with a grin, "and on Sunday everyone except for my parents will be gone and we have a whole week to relax and just enjoy the island and our time together. Okay?"

"Okay," she smiled at him and took a bite of the muffin she had bought at one of the airport cafes, "I'll try to relax. Just distract me, tell me something... anything."

"That's the text for Instagram. The open letter to my fans and followers."

"Well, actually there's really something I want to talk to you about", Henry said reluctantly. He grabbed his phone and opened his google docs. "I need your opinion on this." He gave her his mobile.

Kat saw that the display showed a long text. "What's that?"

"I see," Kat chewed on her lip, looking him in the eyes, "and you want me to proofread it?"

"I want to know what you think about it."

"Alright. Let's see."

She stared at the words on the screen with a beating heart. Henry had been working on this statement quite a while now and she knew it would include his plans for the future. They had talked about different scenarios but she didn't know what he'd finally decided to do with his life and his work. She was curious but at the same time she was scared because many of these scenarios meant that he was going to leave St. Ives and her life. She took a deep breath and started to read.

The statement was deep and of unabashed openness. The way Henry described what he had gone through in the past year was very touching and she had to fight back tears several times. Relief flooded her when she read that he was asking his fans to give him a little more time to reorientate and that he intended to remain in the background for a little longer, stating that he was very happy at the sanctuary he had found and that good friends had given him shelter. What left her completely amazed was the last paragraph.

"Kal is going to take over your Instagram?"

Henry grinned sheepishly.

"Yeah. For a while. I think it's a good solution. I'm going to post pictures of him with captions that let people know what I'm doing without giving up my privacy until I'm ready to return and face the public again. It's my way of letting my fans be a part of my life although I'm not really present. I want to share what I'm up to but not the way I used to do it. I want to do more than promotion and I want to be more than a thirst trap, Kitty."

"You're much more than that, Hen", she took his hands in hers, looking at him with a frown, "so much more."

He gave her a grateful smile.

"I know that but many people don't and that's my own fault. The way I've presented myself on social media was very one-sided in the last year and it will be interesting to find out how many of my 17 Mio followers still like me when all they'll get to see in the next weeks is my dog. The ones that remain are the ones that count and in the future I want them to see who I am and what's important to me. I have picked three topics I want to concentrate on. First: conversation and protection of species in cooperation with Durrell. Second: mental health, focusing on problems men often face. I want to found a charitable trust that helps and supports men with mental health issues and that raises awareness of that topic. Thirdly: Fitness, because it's such an important part of my life. I want to show how good moving can make you feel but I also want to show the risks of overdoing it and that even very fit people can still have body issues and how I deal with these issues myself."

"First of all I think the statement you want to post is great. It's so sincere and you open up so much... It's a risk because you expose yourself but I think people will appreciate your honesty and I'm sure many can identify with what you've been through. And your plans sound fantastic, Henry. I know how important these topics are to you and you're going to be a great ambassador for all of this because it's authentic. This is you, people will notice and appreciate that." She couldn't help but give him a spontaneous hug. "God, Henry, I'm so happy for you."

Henry let out a sigh and shrugged, looking at Kat with an expression full of doubt and insecurity.

"What do you think?"

He hugged her back, pulling her into a tight embrace. "That's such a relief, Kat. I was worried it might sound stupid."

"Not a bit! It sounds perfect. But what about work? Do you already know where to go with your job?"

He took a deep breath.

"Yes. I want to return to filming but I want to leave my comfort zone a bit and try to get different kinds of roles. I'll have to talk to my agent and hope that he can find some interesting projects for me. I also thought about going on the stage again. Back to the roots, maybe I will find a theater that is willing to give me a chance. But that's just an idea, I'm open to anything. I just know for sure that I love my job. I want to be an actor and I'm ready to work again."

"And you will work again. I'm sure. Are you going to tell your family about your plans?"

"Sure. It will be a great relief for them to see that I'm back on track."

"Of course. It's a relief for me too."

"I know…"

They were interrupted by the announcement that boarding was about to start and so they got on the plane, heading to Jersey with a pretty good feeling.

****

36 hours later Kat was still feeling pretty good. The garden party was in full swing and she really enjoyed the jolly atmosphere, the food, the drinks and most of all Henry's company. His family had given her a very warm welcome and so she had a very good time. The garden was beautifully decorated and lit by countless torches, candles and chinese lanterns. A local band was playing cover songs on a little stage and a clown was entertaining the children.

It was almost midnight when Henry turned to her with a smile.

"Time for the big surprise."

"Can't wait. You've been such a mystery-monger lately."

"I know, but you'll soon know why."

"Well, you want to surprise your mum. Isn't that the reason?" Kat was visibly confused and Henry gave her one of his perfectly imperfect winks.

"My mum and...you. Maybe?"

He went away with a grin and left Kat with a beating heart. What kind of surprise could he possibly have for her? On his mother's birthday? She smoothened out her plain black dress with a nervous gesture before she followed Henry with her eyes, her arms resting on the cocktail table right in front of the stage. When he grabbed the microphone, Kat assumed he wanted to hold a speech, maybe telling his family and friends about his future plans but when he turned to the band leader for a whispered exchange she knew there was more to it. Henry nodded at each of the band members and Kat could tell he was nervous by his body language.

"Hello everyone," his deep voice echoed through the speakers, "I'm sorry to interrupt, I know everyone is having a great time and don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with a speech, but I still have prepared a little something. A surprise."

He flashed a bright smile at his mother, ignoring the teasing cheers and whistles coming from his brothers.

"Mum, I racked my brain over a special present for weeks. What would make you happy? What would surprise you? Eventually I had this idea I knew you'd love but that really got me out of my comfort zone. I worked hard on it and I hope you and everybody else will like the result." Henry cleared his throat with a sheepish smile.

"Come on man, spill it." That was Henry's younger brother Charlie and Kat couldn't help but chuckle when his older brother Simon joined in.

"Yeah, Hen, the suspense is killing us."

Henry shook his head, laughing and Marianne Cavill shushed her sons with an amused smile.

"Okay, well... I'm going to sing for you."

"Oh please, spare us. You can't sing." Charlie again, he'd always been a cheeky guy and obviously he hadn't changed a bit. Henry laughed out loud, pointing his finger at Charles.

"Right, brother, that's why I took lessons. I spent many, many hours at our neighbour's who is a vocal coach. Kat is my witness."

All eyes turned on her now and she couldn't give them much more than a shrug, a nod and a smile to confirm his words. She wasn't able to say anything, but her mind was racing. He had been taking singing lessons with Mel, who had been a music teacher and vocal coach before her marriage. The revelation hit her hard and unexpected, flooding her with relief and a hint of shame. She had been so suspicious all this time without a reason. Nothing had been going on between Hen and Mel, nothing inappropriate, nothing intimate. He had been telling the truth.

Henry's voice interrupted her thoughts and she took a deep breath, turning her attention to what was happening on stage.

The band started to play and Kat immediately recognized the song, Green, Green Grass of Home, and when Henry began to sing she was completely captivated by his full, warm and dark voice. He did great up there and it didn't take people long to pull out lighters and smartphones to wave them in the air to the slow rhythm of the song, creating a sea of lights that illuminated the garden.

"Well...I better get started before I chicken out and change my mind." He nodded at the band with a grateful smile.

"We only had the chance to rehearse two times so please be lenient with me. Thanks guys for playing along and allowing me to take over... Anyway, I've prepared three songs. Enjoy."

Kat looked at Mrs Cavill, no, at Marianne -it still felt strange to call her by her first name- and she was beaming, tears of pride and joy sparkling in her eyes. Kat was incredibly happy and proud too, it just felt so good to see Henry perform, completely at ease with himself, confident and charming as ever.

The next song seemed to be some kind of family hymn. After only a few lines of Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline everybody was singing along, even the kids, and Kat joined in, soaking up the jolly atmosphere and the good mood that was so infectious. Henry obviously had a great time too. He was smiling all over his face and it made Kat glad to see him so relaxed and happy. Before he began singing the last song, he spoke softly into the microphone.

"The next one is for everyone who's in love. Grab your loved ones and get on the dancefloor, it's time for slow-dancing", and after a little pause he added, "this one's for you, Kat."

I know that you've been hurt before

He looked her straight in the eyes and his words sent shivers down her spine. She noticed the curious glances people gave her and she knew she was blushing but she did her best to pretend to be cool, calm and collected, taking a sip of her red wine. When the music set in, Kat easily recognized the song. It was a slow version -Henry's version- of a Curtis Stigers song and she already loved it after the first few words. She knew the lyrics by heart and thinking about them awoke the butterflies in her belly.

Happy couples filled the dancefloor looking lovingly at each other, dancing slowly to the music. Henry's full voice was perfect for the song and he kept looking at Kat. Their eyes were locked and to her it felt like no one else was around, like Henry was singing just for her.

But that won't happen anymore, no no

Just give your heart to me

And I'll guard it with my life

I don't know what I'd do

Baby, without you

His words found their way right into her heart and for the first time in 22 years she felt ready to finally let go of the past, to completely trust him again, to believe him and to forgive him.

You're all that matters to me

The ground that you walk

The air that you breathe

Someday you'll discover

I don't want no other, believe me

You're all that matters, baby

All that matters to me

She realized that a teardrop was rolling down her cheek and she wiped it away hastily. Concern was showing in Henry's eyes when he saw that she was crying but the smile she gave him showed him it was a tear of joy and relief flooded him. He couldn't wait to finish the song now, couldn't wait to dance with Kat, to hold her in his arms.

Loud applause followed his performance, accompanied by calls for an encore that he declined politely with a shy smile. Henry made sure to tell the band to continue with some ballads and after receiving some very tight hugs and kisses from his extremely happy and proud mother he finally joined Kat at their table.

"Fancy a dance?" He offered her his hand with a charming smirk.

She nodded and took his hand, following him to the dance floor where he pulled her close. They swayed slowly to "You Are The Sunshine of my life" for a while without saying anything, content with just looking at each other, before Kat broke the silence.

"You were great up there."

"You liked it?"

"I loved it, Hen. You have a wonderful voice. Mel seems to be a good coach." Kat gave him a sheepish smile.

"Yeah, she is. Once she'd realized that I wasn't interested in more than singing lessons she was very professional and pretty strict."

Henry grinned at her, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was supposed to be a surprise and I wanted you to trust me." He shrugged, giving her a tender smile.

"And I didn't. I let you down. I was such an idiot, Henry. I should have believed you, I am so sor…"

"No, Kitty, please... don't apologize, okay?" He looked at her with a frown, seriousness showing in his eyes. "You had every right to be mistrustful, I understand that. Just tell me that you think you will be able to trust me again some day."

"I already do. I…"

They bumped into another couple and it wasn't the first time. The dance floor was crowded and everyone was keen on congratulating Henry on his performance. It felt like every single party guest was watching them.

"Wanna leave?"

"Yes," Kat nodded with a smile.

****

"It's so peaceful, isn't it?"

"It is. It's beautiful." Kat squeezed Henry's hand before resting her head against his shoulder. They were walking down the beach along the dark shore, that was romantically enlightened by a bright full moon hand, in hand. The sea was calm, just giving off its soothing sounds and a cool breeze that made Kat shiver. Henry took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"Thanks", Kat said with a smile, "not only for the jacket but for bringing me here and for this wonderful night."

"Did you enjoy the party?"

"Of course, it was so much fun and I loved your performance. Especially the third song."

Henry stopped walking and turned to her, taking both of her hands in his, looking her deep in the eyes.

"Every single word was true, Kat. I meant it. I'd never hurt you again. You're really all that matters to me. I know you find it hard to believe me, but…"

"I believe you," Kat cut in, "I felt it. I feel it now."

Henry stared at her. "You do?"

"Fuck, yes, I do!" Kat threw her head back, laughing out loud, feeling incredibly happy and light-hearted all of the sudden. "And I feel the same, Hen. Exactly the same."

She cupped his face with her hands and did what she had been longing to do for so long. She kissed him. It was a gentle kiss, almost shy and when Henry felt her mouth on his, her soft lips united with his, skin on skin, no tongue, just tenderness and love, he was beyond happy and savoured every single second.

When Kat pulled away reluctantly he rested his forehead against hers taking a deep breath.

"I feel like 17 again", he whispered.

Kat laughed softly at his words. "So do I. It feels great."

The next kiss started off just like the previous one, innocent and sweet, but when Henry pulled Kat close to deepen the kiss all the bottled-up sexual tension and energy, all the suppressed passion and desire of more than 20 years erupted and they started to make out hungrily, starving for love and intimacy. After a while things really heated up and Henry was the one to put the brakes on when Kat started to fumble with his fly.

"If you don't want me to take you right here we better take it to the bedroom, Kitty", Henry sighed, his voice thick with arousal and desire.

"Well, I've never done it on the beach…", Kat smirked, biting her lower lip.

"Seriously? Here?" Henry took a look around checking if the coast was clear.

"I was joking, Hen. I hate having sand in every pore." Kat nudged him with a grin. "Just take me home."

They made it to the cottage in record time and started to undress each other right in the little hallway, kissing and fumbling like teenagers. While Kat was unzipping Henry's trousers, he was unsuccessfully trying to open her bra.

"Front clasp, Hen", Kat explained to him breathlessly.

"Fuck", Henry chuckled, "I swear I'm not gonna be that clueless once I'll have you naked."

"Good," she answered with a lewd smile, stripping off her bra when he'd finally managed to open it, standing in front of him in just her panties.

"God, you're beautiful, Kitty." Henry let his eyes wander all over her body while stepping out of his pants. He took off his socks and now he was facing her naked too, except for his briefs.

"You don't look so bad yourself, pop."

She grabbed him by the hem of his underwear, pulling him close for another kiss. Kat gasped when he lifted her up effortlessly, wrapping her legs around his waist, feeling his hard-on pressing against her wet panties. She moaned into his mouth when he moved his hips, dry humping her teasingly. Henry carried Kat to his bedroom and laid her down on the bed. He stripped off her pants before he did the same with his and when they finally were both naked he climbed on top of her, looking her deep in the eyes, before kissing her again. It was a long, slow kiss and Kat let her fingers run over his back till they reached his butt. She squeezed his ass and pulled him close, sighing with lust when Henry started to kiss her tits and to suck her nipples. She reached between her legs and grabbed his dick that was pretty impressive, giving it a few strokes that made him moan loudly.

"Fuck, Kat...I need you…I need to feel you...now."

She brought the tip of his cock to her entrance, bucking her hips, inviting him in.

"Take me. I'm yours, Henry."

"Are you on birth control?"

"I am, don't worry. Just go for it. Please."

Her words weren't more than a hoarse whisper but Henry heard them crystal clear. He moaned again when he realized that it was finally going to happen. He was about to make love to Kat and it was like a dream come true. A hot, sexy, wet dream and he couldn't help but feel a little nervous. He penetrated Kat slowly, gently, enjoying the moment that marked the beginning of their first time.

"God, Hen…", Kat moaned softly as he stretched her pussy, kneading his ass and lifting her hips to meet him halfway, "you feel great."

"I love you, Henry," she whispered before she came with a loud moan. She arched her back and Henry felt the shiver that ran through her body and the contraction of her pussy that tightened around his cock. The feelings that flooded him were more than Henry could take and he cried her name out loud when he got off, releasing an enormous amount of cum and the thought of filling her up like this made him thrust into her cunt hard and deep one last time. "Fuck...Kitty." He collapsed on top of her, gasping and panting, holding her tight, pressing a kiss on her lips. Henry looked her in the eyes with a loving smile.

He started to move slowly once he filled her completely, looking her in the eyes. It was impossible to turn back time. He wasn't her first, she wasn't his first but he still intended to make their first time together feel special, he didn't want to fuck her mindless, he wanted to make tender love to her. He thrusted a little faster and deeper now and Kat followed his rhythm, her gaze resting on his face. They shared another sensual kiss, moving in sync for a wonderful long time, prolonging the intimate moment as much as possible, enjoying the sensation of closeness, their bodies and souls connected.

Henry's moans got louder, turning into raspy grunts which was a great turn on for Kat, who was a panting mess. Breathing heavily she was getting closer to cumming with every thrust that hit her cervix, with every stroke, brushing against her g-spot, with his lower body pressing and rubbing against her clit. She watched Henry, who had his head bent back now, eyes half closed, his upper body propped up on his elbows that were placed left and right of her torso. She wrapped her legs around him, making him go even deeper before she grabbed his head and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. They locked eyes and his gaze was full of tenderness, his pupils tinted black and filled with lust.

"I love you too, Kat."

A few minutes later they were lying side by side, holding hands, their faces turned to each other.

"We should have done that 22 years ago."

Henry grinned at Kat, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"I doubt it would have been so good. Teenage Kat was very self-conscious and a little prude and I guess teenage Henry wasn't a pro at handling this weapon right from the start." Kat touched his dick and gave him a teasing wink that made Henry chuckle.

"Right. We've come a long way. It just feels like we've wasted so much time...all these years."

"We can't change that, Hen", Kat said, "but we can make the most of the time that's still to come. Let's just be happy together from now on. Let's spend as much time together as possible, let's have lots and lots of fucking great sex, let's have fun, let's share our joys and sorrows, let's share our lives."

****

Epilogue

Two years later.

Kat sat at her desk in her office with a happy smile on her face. Mr. Darcy was sleeping on her lap and she held a letter in her hands. Bringing it close to her nose she took a deep breath, smelling Henry's scent, his tangy, musky cologne. It was a habit they had established in the last years. Whenever Henry and Kat were separated for more than a few days they sent each other love letters. Handwritten in ink, the exclusive, handmade writing paper perfumed with their odours, the lines filled with their love. The letters usually weren't long, most of the time they shared just short poems or simply a few sentences about how their days had been without each other. It was their old fashioned way of showing their affection and of staying in touch in addition to their conversations via phone or facetime.

"A letter from daddy", Kat whispered, stroking her round belly tenderly. Eight weeks to go until they would welcome their first child and a little more than half a year until their wedding. "Let's see what it's saying."

Kat opened the letter carefully and pulled out the thick paper to unfold it.

"My darling Kitty,

Only three days to go until I finally can take you in my arms again. I can't wait to kiss your lips and your belly to greet you and our little bean. I don't have much time, you know how tight my schedule is, but I needed to write down this poem for you. It would make a great wedding vow, don't you think? Just read it and let me know how you feel about it when I'm back.

"Mouthful Of Forevers

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin.

Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal.

I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book.

I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.

And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane."

Isn't it perfect for us?

by Clementine von Radics

I love you!

Forever yours,

Henry"

***********

The End

#henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill rpf #henry cavill x ofc #henry cavill smut #friends to lovers #slow burn #Spotify

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kyurilin · 2 years

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Kyuri's WIPs!

First up before I do anything, Present Mic's Totally Bullshit Life has a playlist now! It's very short because I started it after the story was finished and posted but I just kind of add to it now for fun.

Any of the stories on this list that have a playlist to go with them will also get links!

Lost- Formerly known as Hizashi's No Good Very Bad Terrible Year (I think??? It's so long lmao) but yeah! I kind of had the OG doc as a test for doing ALL the manga events because man what a train wreck of a year but I got a brain worm today for a story opener that combined an old idea of mine with how to tie everything into the entire 'coping with trauma' vibe of the full Mic story so this is technically an official sequel. It's set after the war arc and a few other details that happen following that, so VERY spoiler heavy if you don't read the manga, but I wanted an excuse to write it from Mic's perspective and be able to reference stuff from the Mic story. So yeah! It's gonna be angst and coping with trauma and heavily reference Present Mic's Totally Bullshit Life while having a way better title so whoever wants more content for that there's two planned to be posted now here. Currently at 2.6k words

You'll Find Home Again*- I already have to add one. ANYWAYS. This one may end up being emotional to me for no reason but uhhhhhhh. Yeah. So this is actually a spinoff of Present Mic's Totally Bullshit Life but it's a prequel. And yeah. Yeah I know. But I mention a non-canon American internship throughout the Mic story with a character Tyler who is actually a recycled legacy Cars OC of mine and after a lot of thought I've decided to start a oneshot about Mic's American internship, but from the POV of Tyler. Now the reason this one is emotional to me is that Tyler/Thunder as he used to always be known is one of my oldest ocs, almost as old as my writing, and has traveled through many fandoms with me so he holds a very special place in my heart. And when I got into BNHA, I looked at Mic and was like 'oh he is giving off heavy Thunder vibes, they would be friends'. Hence the inclusion in the story. So it's kind of a special one to me because I get to write for a character I've written for a lot over the last 15 years bonding with this new character who I latched onto because of that connection, and I think it's going to end up being at the least a fun story. I feel bad dumping an OC centric story in the BNHA fandom because I try not to do that anymore but I'll probably link it to the Mic story if/when it's done. Currently at 496 words

Someone New- based on the post below and currently being rewritten since it's something I started in February and have not thought about except for like two weeks in July. I'm hoping it's going to be a short one but knowing me (and the lore I accidentally developed for it when I made this playlist) it could end up stupidly long. Currently at 596 words

I Still Reach For You- A heavy manga spoilers Kurogiri story set after the Tartarus breakout. Basically Kurogiri also escapes during that but is going through a crisis of his own due to the whole Shirakumo thing. Obviously started before a later chapter lmao. Currently at 2.7k

Stray- one of the big ones I'm working on, that I've referred to once as the Matching Tattoos AU! An EraserMicCloud story where the three of them meet in college, get matching tattoos, and then don't meet up again until way later. This is the one I've been working on recently that I dumped 18k into over the course of like a week and a half. It's also a no quirks modern au because that was the easiest thing, and kind of a soulmates-but-not-really au. Currently at 24.1k

All The Ways I Love You- this one is like wildly hyper specific but it's a spin off of either a line in the Present Mic story or the oc villain au regarding Aizawa disappearing completely from seeing his friends. So it's Nemuri taking care of him after he turns up very much not himself while Hizashi is still out of the country, and it's something I'm not exactly sure will ever get posted but I wanted to do something with Nemuri. Currently at 8.1k

So, You Wanna Be a Hero- This is a one shot story I'm doing to introduce my Shinsou's family ocs, set immediately after the sports festival in Canon. It's very short at the moment because I don't write for Shinsou much but I have ocs for his family I wanted to include. SPEAKING OF this and Stray both involve the Shinsou family, but Stray makes a minor change and uses a different character name for the mom for no explainable reason. Currently at 140 words

Dread Sometimes is Packaged as Your Best Friend- set within the No Place Like Home AU (the story universe associated with the story This Isn't How the Story Goes), this is how the Tartarus visit to Kurogiri would have gone in that universe. Currently at 139 words.

All the Traces- I think I'm canceling this one because I don't vibe with it and it wasn't really a great idea to begin with but it's also set within No Place Like Home and is very soon after Aizawa's death. Currently at 798 words

No Place Like Home AU- speaking of which, this AU is a series of one shots that is currently only one story in where it's Aizawa who dies instead of Shirakumo. I really really need to do more for this one.

Song of the Abyss- this is one of the Big Ones, but it's a pirates/mermaids/fantasy au with merman prince Hizashi and ocean merchant Aizawa that has deep deep lore and lots of plotting to do and no ending. Currently at 1.5k

You Were Mine (And I'll Tell You That Forever)- this is basically the same as I Still Reach For You EXCEPT Nemuri lives. Make of that what you will. Also I got really artsy with some of these titles then you have shit that just isn't titled at all. Currently at 4.2k

Burn Brighter- For some reason the Todoroki family wormed their way into a spinoff for Stray so this is that spinoff. I have done very little with it. Currently at 324 words

Kaito Hamasaki: Origin- look if horikoshi gets to drop all his ocs into origin chapters then so do I okay. Honestly, this one really is about 95% for me and the likelihood of it getting posted is slim and it's TECHNICALLY a tie in to the next doc I'm mentioning but it is exactly what the title says. Currently at 3.8k

Mock King AU- Otherwise lovingly referred to as the OC Villain AU. Anyone who's read Present Mic's Totally Bullshit Life may or may not remember the oc by either his actual name or his hero name of Mockingbird, and I started up a villain au for him in January that's currently at 48k and hasn't been worked on in a bit. I'm maybe a fourth of the way through at this point so uhhhh it's a Big One. I'm constantly on the fence about ever posting this one if it gets done because it is entirely self indulgent PARTICULARLY since the opening of the story is set on the same weekend as the opening of the Mic story. I thought it was funny. Reboot is at 2.5k since I'm currently reworking it

There's not ~technically~ a playlist for just the story but Kaito gets his own playlist with both villain au songs and regular inspiration songs

EraserMicJoke Superiority- Yeah I legit don't have a title for this one. Basically it is entirely an excuse to write EraserMicJoke since that's one of the many ships from bnha I like but with the added twist of the idea being spawned by "Emi would get really emotional if Eri ever called her mom". So yeah, it's a stupidly long idea based off the idea that Eri gets three parents who love her and spoil her instead of just the common Adopted By EraserMic. Currently at 18k

EraserMicJoke- EraserMic Origins DONE- so I accidentally gave Aizawa and Hizashi an even more tragic get together story with a few throwaway lines in the story mentioned above and decided to write the full thing out on its own and man apparently I like writing ✨trauma✨ way too much. Finished at 39k

Why Loud Cloud Got Banned From Put Your Hands Up Radio- this might be the dumbest one. It falls under the Rooftop Hero Agency AU, where Shirakumo lives, but it's a fucking comedy story where Oboro, the only time he goes on Hizashi's radio show, spends the whole time simping for his girlfriend in very not radio friendly ways and Hizashi cannot shut him down. Frankly it's the dumbest thing I've ever thought of. It has a few sentences now and Oboro has no brain cell it's gonna be GREAT. Currently at 249 words

Softest Lullabies- This is entirely a CloudNight fluff story in the Rooftop Hero Agency AU setting because I got the idea and proceeded to knock out about 1k of story before I was like 'i'll come back to this'. Currently at 1.3k

Sports Festival- I think I'm not continuing with this? It's literally just the first sports festival for Aizawa, Oboro, and Hizashi (why don't I ever refer to Aizawa as Shouta as a side note) and it isn't really necessarily linked to the Rooftop Hero Agency AU because once I write the sports festival you can assume that's how it went down universally in anything I write unless otherwise specified but I think I just wanted to write it lol. Currently at 440 words

Rooftop Hero Agency AU- This is both the AU concept and the doc. The doc is kind of not really being worked on, since I sort of shifted gears and decided to break this one up into stories in the universe like the No Place Like Home AU, but it's my version of a Shirakumo Lives AU featuring EraserMic and CloudNight. The doc for this story is currently still on their high school years but since I'm changing the way I do this it'll probably be like that forever.

Sun, Stars, and Clouds- This is actually mostly canceled since I started writing it (and about three spin offs) before the Mic story to practice writing these characters and it's some kind of legal drama featuring what was going to be EraserCloudMic. Present Meow the cat came from here. I think.

Don't Speak AU/Vigilante Aizawa AU- This one is hella cancelled as it got TOO complicated to handle as it was a ridiculously involved rewrite of the entirety of My Hero Academia but Aizawa left UA and became a vigilante after the death of Shirakumo. GREAT CONCEPT, but so much fucking writing for me to attempt when I was just starting to write for the series. ALSO technically the oneshot Would Anyone Care was part of this AU but I kept bringing it up in other stories so eventually I was like fuck it this is a Core Memory now it happened regardless.

Cloud Control AU- I have brought this one up before but it was my own concept of a soulmate au where when your soulmate dies you get their quirk, and Aizawa has had two quirks since the death of Shirakumo. AGAIN. Great for trauma. I have a doc for this and a rewrite doc, and I had planned to focus on it after I finished the mic story, but it got away from me somehow.

How We Say Goodbye- Once again, this is a story referenced in, very specifically, Present Mic's Totally Bullshit Life. I had actually written this before I wrote that and never finished this story, but it's set after Shirakumo's death. Hizashi tries to do his podcast as normal, but can't because he doesn't know how to deal with doing it alone and knowing he won't have Oboro to do it with again, so invites Shouta and Nemuri over so they can do a goodbye podcast, which ends up being the last episode he ever does. It was so sad I started crying while writing it and haven't touched it since.

Sorry to Bring You Down- ACTUALLY in a similar vein to the last story mentioned, this is set post war arc before I knew what was happening in world. It was Hizashi's first show after taking some time to spend with Shouta, and the whole concept revolved around his listener call in hour being a disaster because citizens were using it to vent about their disappointment in the heroes. And Hizashi was going to end up going on this exhausted rant about he lost someone too since Nemuri's gone and how they're doing the best they can and all stuff along those lines. It's a really dope idea that I honestly want to finish because the idea of Hizashi just getting fed up and just going ham because he's still hurting too is the best to me.

Something With Mirko- No that's literally the title. 100% this is just a dumb story of Mirko getting bored of being stuck in the hospital post war arc that I haven't finished but maybe will one day.

Homeless Aizawa is Hopeless- this is the document that ACTUALLY spawned the mic story. It's clearly NOT getting finished but since half my document titles are garbage I wanted to share that the original iteration of the mic story had an even dumber name and that it also had Aizawa as the main characters.

*Mechanic AU- I guess I should add this one since it's my latest idea even though I don't know if I'll keep adding onto it forever because it was a spur of a moment kinda thing? But basically it's yet another erasermic idea with cloudnight as a secondary ship where Hizashi escapes a bad relationship and breaks down in the middle of nowhere only for the mechanic who fixes his car to be someone he gets along with instantly. Oboro and Nemuri run a bar called Loud Nights because yes. I think it's funny. Frankly this one could be a short one shot or it could own my soul for the next few months but I have to add it to the list because I have started the doc for it.

Crumbled Rooftops*- I'm keeping this one secret plotwise but adding it to the list because ya'll ain't ready for it. I'm very excited about it though and ya'll should be too.

I think this is all of them???? Anyways I'll try to tag stuff based on the title of the doc from here and if anyone ever wants to ask about any of these please do I will not hesitate to ramble about my stories

#Spotify #kyuri writes #spoilers #bnha spoilers #I FORGOT TO TAG THAT OOPS

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www-artforoddballs · 3 years

Text

Alright, so notice. Most of you probably know this, since you're following me for the Autistic Levi stuff (thank you, we're closing in on 100 followers!!!!), but people with autism can have "tantrums". I've kinda touched on this in a previous post (it's a full meltdown, but you can see that post here https://www-artforoddballs.tumblr.com/post/644803780958879744/autistic-levi-angstkinda-i-guess-this-is-him). For those of you who DON'T know, an autistic tantrum is not the same thing as what you'd think of in regards to a toddler or kid, it's just the word used for it. This is a mistake my mother and I made when getting the paperwork done while I was going through testing that later got cleared up lol

I had a tantrum yesterday, and so I figured that I could post about Leviathan having a tantrum, since it's still ready on my mind. I don't care if anyone else is proud of me for coping with it as well as I did, since it's a major improvement from last time I had one, but I am proud of myself!...with that in mind, here we go!!

There will be some angst in this post, like the last post in relation to this one, but like the last post, it turns out fine.

However.

Trigger warning for things such as self harm, both physical and verbal. If you or a loved one is self harming, either reach out to someone for help or reach out to that person to help, yeah?

OK on with the post.

-------------

First of all, Levi's autism is part of why his brothers always agree to help when there's a raffle for tickets or something like that on the DDD messages, because he can get overwhelmed if they don't at least help, even if he doesn't win in the end.

They figured out that his autism was the culprit for this shortly after his diagnosis.

Now when I'm writing for Levi, I like to think that his diagnosis was around the early 1990s since, while autism was a separate diagnosis in 1980, it didn't really start becoming fairly accepted and expanded upon until 1987. Hence why everyone is mostly used to it by now, but are still sometimes off put by his odd behavior; for them, as beings that have been around since...the beginning of the universe, pretty much as far as we know, but for at LEAST since humans were around (so at VERY least 2.5 million years now, but potentially up to around 7 million years (if they haven't been around since the beginning of creation)), this would be like...I dunno, give me a second.

Waiting

Waiting...

Okay, so from 1990(earliest year I have in mind) to 2019 (the year it was released) is 29 years. That's a minimum of 1/86,206.89th of their lifespan, and a maximum of 1/475,862,068.96th of their total lifetime.

So this is a VERY recent development for them on the grand scheme of things, but I digress.

So they're still figuring everything out, especially as the human race continues to learn about the condition itself.

So the first time Levi threw a tantrum and they recognized it for what it was...it was certainly interesting.

What had happened was exactly the situation described; Levi had wanted to go to a concert in the human world and they were raffling off free tickets. Except, unlike now, his brothers hadn't offered their support. They hadn't in the past, why would this time be any different?

Except now they viewed it through a different light. Leviathan had an image in his head that he desired so badly and had asked his brothers to support him, hopeful, only to be rejected at every turn. That he was used to, but it was still upsetting.

He put that to the side, though. He really wanted to see this band, and these were VIP tickets where you got to hang out with the band for a few hours after the concert! They'd cost a LOT of human money, and while they COULD afford it, he knew Lucifer would be bringing hell down upon him if he used that amount of family funds on a concert. And his anxiety was already somewhat raised, so he decided to enter the raffle on his own.

He sat there for hours, waiting for the results to come in. He'd hyped this up in his brain the entire time; He'd win, go to an amazing concert, have dinner with the band, maybe even make some friends....!...and then the results came back. He hadn't won.

As per usual, our snek boi went into one of his rants about how unfair it was, but instead of going on a rampage or something like that, locked himself up in his room and cried, hating himself for getting so excited over nothing.

As I mentioned before, I've made another post about a tantrum/getting too overwhelmed slipping into something even more dire, as that's almost always what happens to me. This would be in the 90s, so this would be their first real incident with one of these moments where they had the proper diagnosis, so bear with me, there will be some angst here, but like the other post, it'll be fine.

So Mammon ends up feeling bad for rejecting his little brother, and, not knowing it was too late, decided to go to his room and offer his support. It was almost Leviathan's birthday anyways, and Mammon knew how rejection felt and how much it sucked. So, he knocked on Leviathan's door.

No response. He knocked again...still no response, but a quiet sob.

Right away, Mammon switched from semi-carefree to worried. "Levi...?"

Again, no response. He decided to just go in and check on his brother...

The door was locked. And he smelled blood.

"Leviathan, I need you to open the door," Mammon said with a half hearted chuckle, his voice now becoming slightly strained. "Because if ya don't, I'm gonna have t' break the door down."

"Just go away!" Leviathan cried from inside his room. "Just leave me alone, you jerk!"

"I ain't goin' anywhere. Either open the door or I'm gonna break it down. Those are your two choices."

A moment of silence, before Mammon sighs, stretching, as he transforms into his demon form.

"Alright, option two it is."

He rammed into the door repeatedly, before the wood finally splintered and fell to the ground with a loud thud. Mammon quickly looked around, eyes widening as he saw Leviathan digging his own sharpened nails into his arms, multiple raked wounds, made by the same culprit, carved into his skin.

"Levi...look at ya..." Mammon said, voice faltering, tears welling up in his eyes. "I...how long has..."

"Just shut up! Don't act like you care about me, I'm the freak of our family, remember?! I'm the one whose brain isn't right, I'm just a shut-in, good for nothing, re-!"

He was quickly cut off by Mammon going to him and hugging him.

"I don't care who you are. You talk about my brother like that again and I'll kill you. Alright? You're a little off, but you ain't a freak, and your brain works just fine as is. You're perfect just the way you are, and if anybody else says any different, I'm gonna beat them the fuck up. Including you. Got that? So what if you've got that fancy lable on ya now...? Labels like that matter, but it didn't change ya. You're still my cringe, annoying as hell little weirdo of a brother...and I wouldn't have ya any other way."

Leviathan fully listened to Mammon talk, before clinging to him, breaking down sobbing again, and trying to explain what happened through his tears, the older demon gently rubbing his back and allowing him to cry it out, making sure no more harm was done.

A while later, once Levi had calmed down, Mammon ruffled his hair.

"Let's get you cleaned up, yeah? Lucifer is already gonna kill me for breaking your door, but he'd be even more pissed if I just left you here with those wounds."

So they did. And Mammon, after telling a VERY angry Lucifer what had happened hours later, had surprisingly NOT gotten chewed out by the eldest brother. Instead, that day, the entire family had a long discussion, and they all agreed that if it was something as small as entering a raffle, or even if it was bigger but not an inconvenience to anyone in the slightest, they'd all help out from then on. It's not like it was hard, and it would save Levi from hours of stress and negativity toward himself and others around him.

They also made a plan for if a tantrum were to happen while someone was around, or if he became too overwhelmed and started to spiral...because, as annoying as he could be, Leviathan was still family. And they loved him, oddities and all.

---------------

Alright, so...that was the post! I hope it was okay. I know I've written about this type of thing before a little, but different situations can end up with the same negative outcome, like being in an overwhelming situation, or not being able to change your thinking and not easily being able to get over your expectations. I've personally suffered with both, and it's a regular thing for me, so I like writing about it, because maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone out, or help someone that isn't autistic understand a friend or relative or classmate or employee better. And I love these characters, I really do. The only ironic thing is that I see so much of myself in Leviathan, but I adore him and despise myself. Go figure 😂

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed, and if there's anything you guys have questions about (in regards to me and my experience), or any specific writing requests, asks are fully open!

Thanks so much for being here to support me, you have no idea how much it means to a little oddball such as myself.

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me leviathan #obey me belphie #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #autism obey me #obey me autism #obey me neurodivergent #neurodivergent #leviathan autism #autism #headcannons #obey me hcs

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morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy · 2 years

Text

A Night Out With A Lesbian Magnet

Starring Courtney Hart & Conner Stephens

Written by me bitch (Izzy Gentz)

Based off of this post.

Questions comments and concerns are welcome and encouraged, ask box is always open 💖

⚠️ Content warnings ⚠️

Rejection, swearing, drinking, second hand embarrassment, and bad decisions. (All joking aside, if you do need something tagged as tw please don't hesitate to ask)

August 2005

20:55

Seattle, WA, USA.

Conner

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It was Saturday night again and mission get Conner a girlfriend was in full swing, much to my despair and hesitation, but that didn't seem to matter.

Nate abandoned us the second we walked into the bar to go crash a girls' night, while Parker hung out with us for about fifteen minutes before he got distracted by a waitress' cleavage and fell over himself trying to get her attention.

"All my friends suck," I mumbled to myself as I picked at the label on my beer.

"Hey!" Courtney dug her elbow into my side, "I'm here, besides they're just gonna ruin this anyway."

Courtney, of course, was the grand marshal of this plan, though Parker and Nate didn't hesitate to drag me out against my will.

I groaned, "About this plan,"

"Uh uh, not hearing it. We're here for a reason."

"Okay, is there any chance you're here for a reason and I'm back at my apartment in my pajamas?"

"Nope!"

"Aaron got to stay home."

"That's different he's a child! Now we're here to get you laid or even better a girlfriend! So wipe that look off your face order another beer and let your wing-woman do her job."

"I told you, I'm just not interested right now."

"That's because you're dead inside, but that's okay we're here to fix that." She extended her arms in front of herself cracking her knuckles, "C'mon, gimme a target!"

I groaned and went along, "Table all the way in the back to the left."

"Ooh, the blonde?"

"No, the nachos," I clarified, "That would be absolutely everything I'm looking for."

She hit my arm, "Con! Take this seriously! This is your future."

"My future is those nachos in my belly, falling asleep on my couch watching X-files."

"Oh, God you're so lame!" She whined, "Hurry up, who do you like?"

I tilted my head, rolling my eyes at myself before the thought could fully cross my mind, "Just let me go home, I don't even wanna be here."

"You can go home when you have a girl to take with you."

"If I take you can we leave?" I tried.

"You know what I mean." She smacked my arm.

"... Never mind," I mumbled.

"If you don't tell me who you think's hot, I'm gonna have to go off your type."

"I don't have a type."

"Sure, you do."

I crossed my arms, "Enlighten me."

"I know for a fact you like girls that are taller than you."

"Everybody is taller than me."

"Usually brunette, typically with brown eyes."

"I like blondes." I challenged

"In the time I've known you, you've never dated a blonde."

"I want to," I muttered under my breath.

"Conner Patron."

"How do you know my middle name?"

"Pick. A. Girl." She threatened.

I whined, discarding the danger I was in.

I pointed out a blonde woman that was shorter than me just to prove a point, "She's pretty, I like the band on her shirt."

"Go talk to her."

"What?" I quickly shook my head, "No, no."

"Aw, are you scared?" She poked my side.

"Absolutely."

"Just go talk to her!"

"I... Don't want to."

"You need to get out of your comfort zone."

"Oh, I don't have one of those."

"Good, then go talk to her." She shoved me off of my stool.

I awkwardly just stood there deciding how far I could run before Courtney caught me.

"Go talk to her! Do you want me to talk to her for you?"

The thought of that was far worse than any way I could embarrass myself.

Defeated, I reluctantly shuffled over to the poor woman. I had no idea what to say to her, and my brain kind of shut down until I was left staring at her.

"Hi..." She said while probably dialing 911 under the table.

"Um, hi..." I stammered once I was able to speak again.

"Hi,"

"Hi..." I glanced over at Courtney who just gave me a thumbs up, "I uh I like your shirt."

"Thanks, they're my little brother's favorite band." She flashed a smile at me.

"Oh, you have nice teeth." I sort of blurted out.

"Um, thank you."

"Did you have braces as a kid?" I don't know why I asked that and she didn't answer, not that I gave her any time to, "I had braces as a kid," I kept rambling, "Well, in high school, I guess. I was chubby back then too, not that I'm not now," I tried to wipe the sweat dripping from my hands on my jeans as I, unfortunately, kept going, "I mean I used to be skinny, but then my parents died and I kind of turned to food and got like really into school and uh... Um..." I finally got my mouth to stop going but that didn't help the mess I already made, "... I'm Conner, by the way."

My face burned as I undoubtedly glowed a nice shade of red, she stared at me for a while and it felt like she could see my soul.

I started to awkwardly back away, "I'm... I'm just... I'm gonna go now." To make things better I tripped over a table leg as I ran away from my shame.

"That was... A choice." Courtney stifled a laugh when I got back to my seat at the bar.

I simply responded with a loud groan, letting my head slowly lower onto the bar.

"I mean! It could've been worse."

"This is sticky..."

"Con," she pulled me off of the bar, "Stop being so pathetic!"

"Geez, just call me a loser already."

She rolled her eyes, "Stop beating yourself up, just have a drink and relax for once." She got the attention of the bartender, "Cheapest vodka, two shots, thanks."

"I don't like vodka."

"Well, I do and you have to do what I say." She nudge the shot glass over to me and held hers up, "Zum wohl!"

"What does that mean?"

"Hell if I know, just drink."

I reluctantly took the shot, and it was just as bad as I remembered.

"I don't get it, Nate and Parker make it look flawless, what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, you're just not a slut. Look," she gestured in the direction of Parker, I looked up in time to see the new girl he was talking to slap him.

"That looks flawless to you?" Courtney started laughing.

Parker saw us both laughing at him, to which he responded with his middle finger and stomped off into the bathroom. That only made us laugh harder.

"It could be worse, Connie." Courtney pat my shoulder when we finally stopped laughing.

"I guess..."

She ordered me to do another shot, "Okay, I have an idea, you trust me, right?"

"... Define trust."

She smacked my arm, "Why don't you practice your approach on me."

The thought of that quickly filled me with dread, "No, no, I'm, no."

"Come on, I'm a girl, I can tell you what we don't like."

"I don't..."

"I'm practice, just try." She flipped her hair with the caliber of a shampoo commercial and offered a smile that could make me melt, "Hi, I'm Courtney."

"This is dumb."

She crossed her arms, "Do you want to be alone forever?"

"Ideally."

"Conner!"

"Fine." I sighed, "... You have a really pretty smile."

"Better. Keep going."

"So... Do you come here often?" I cringed again.

"Why are you so bad at this?" She held back a laugh.

"I don't know!"

"Okay," she rubbed my arm in an attempt to comfort me, but only made me want to die a little more, "Just clear your head, don't force it, just say what comes to you."

I stared at her for a minute, weighing my options, but the only thing I discovered was that I was buzzed and what I was about to say was stupid, "Courtney, I think I'm in love with you."

She nodded, writing it off, "Comin' on a little strong, but I like your enthusiasm."

I groaned, returning to my familiar, comforting, sticky bar.

"Con, that's sticky, babe."

"I'm aware."

"C'mon," she pat my back, "Look, that girl's looking at you!"

I briefly looked up, only to be more disappointed, "... I think she's looking at you."

"She's not..." She winked at Courtney, who laughed, "I'm sorry, I'm a lesbian magnet, I can't change it!"

I sighed, "I want to go home."

"Oh, stop being a crybaby, have a few more drinks."

That wasn't a request or a suggestion, but it did get me drunk which ultimately made Court feel bad so she let me go home.

I ended my night exactly how I predicted I would, on the couch, with one sock on, watching X-files... Sadly, minus the nachos.

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fandomout · 3 years

Note

Hey! I'm not sure if you take requests or not but could you write a fluffy gecko from the boys x reader? He's severly underappriciated

Gecko (Matthew Culbert) x Reader-You find out what he's been doing for money

I had fun writing this. It's angst and fluff, so I hope that's okay anon. If you want something full on fluff, let me know. After doing this post, I am taking requests. It's just not to say when it will be out. I am taking REQUESTS in ANONS. I don’t how else to set up taking requests lol. Hope you enjoy.

You skipped in your steps as you were on the way to meet Mathew at a small restaurant. These days you don't have much time together. You weren’t too sure about the why, which made you worry about him. Either way, luckily, he wanted to meet for his lunch break from work. When you arrived, you were glad to see he was already sitting there waiting for you. You sat down and smiled. He smiled back widely and commented, “Well, look who finally showed up.”

“Oh quiet, this place is close to where you work. You’re early.”

“You’re right, okay.”

“What have you been up to?”

“Nothing much. Same old.”

“Can’t be. You’ve been busy.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying...it’s different. I mean something is keeping you from hanging out with me.”

“That’s not true.”

“Really? What the last the we did together?”

“We-” You gave a small grin to him.

“Look, it’s okay. I’m just wondering when we can get together.”

“Not sure…” He looks at his phone and asks, “Any ideas?” Yo nodded and mentioned, “I was going to the movies later tonight.” He was looking down at his phone very interested. You nudged his hand with your index finger, and he responded with, “Hm?”

“Matt?” He finally looked up at you.

“Yeah?”

“I’m trying to ask if you want to come with me?”

“Tonight?” He cringed his teeth.

“Yeah. I mean they are even playing your favorite movie.” He smiled widely at you and asked, “You know my favorite movie?”

“Of course I do. How can you ask- So, you’re coming?” He looked around aimlessly in slow movement, and he shrugged and answered, “I can’t. I already have plans tonight.”

“Plans that you haven’t once mentioned to me?”

“Exactly.”

“Where are you gonna be off to?”

“Nothing.”

“This nothing must be important. I-” He snapped, “Would you just drop it?” The action makes you move back slightly. However, you recovered quickly and had to let out what you’d been thinking for months. “I didn’t want to say anything, but I have to now...You're different these days. I've noticed it.”

“What?”

“You and me don’t hang out as much as we used to. I get that you're busy in the day with work or church things, but the night was our thing. You seem like your hold something back just like you are no-”

“What, you think I can't handle myself or something?”

“N-”

“I know everyone thinks I’m this fragile nerd, but you-”

“I never said. I’ve never thought that. M-”

“You don’t have to know everything.”

“I-”

“Look, I’m just going to go. Enjoy your movie. See you. I have to get back to work. I can’t believe I wasted my break on this.” He strides out, and you can't seem to go after him as you see he’s really hurt.

After a good minute, you shake your head at yourself. You knew there was more to this. You couldn't give up. You knew there was more to where he was going to be tonight; therefore, instead of going to the movies, you decided you would follow Mathew. You tailed him in his car all the way to some shady parts in town. Even knowing the area, you were still shocked to see Mathew walking into the most sketchy motel you’d ever seen. You swore this was the reason behind the past few months.

You watched him head into room D5. Suddenly, you sort of assumed he was meeting a special and paid friend. I mean why else would he be here? Something he could be doing that of course he wouldn't want you to know and wouldn't want to say aloud. You made your way into the building and walked up the stairs until you were in front of the motel room. You put your ear to the door. You heard moaning sounds, which you thought confirmed your theory. Having it followed by weird sounds, crazy laughing, and hacking noises. You rush downstairs to get the key. Immediately spouting out to the clerk, “I think my friend needs some help! The room number is D5!” The clerk, who was unphased, just hands you the key. You almost tumble over many times.

Unlocking the door, you could never imagine the sight before you, and your mouth and tears drop. You didn’t even really know what to do with yourself after seeing an arm and leg detached and cut from the body of your friend. It was jaggedly severed. Blood all over the place. Black bags covering the area like a murder scene. You cover your eyes at the sight before you. You see a man stand above your friend with a knife in one hand and a hammer in the other hitting silly. What scares you and overwhelmed you most was that Matthew had no expression on his face. You really process what’s happening and scream. If you hadn't screamed, you were sure they wouldn’t have noticed you. You run forward trying to shield Mathew from the man. Both of their eyes bulged out, especially the man uncomfortably so.

Laying his eyes on you, the man drops the weapons instantly. He tried to cover his face while simultaneously fumbling to get his bag. He pulls some money from the pocket of one and throws it right near you and Mathew before running out of the room.

“I wasn’t here!” The man yelled and ran into the night.

You look over the money before looking at Mathew. His eyes avert instantly as he looks over to his arm and leg expectantly. You knew at that moment it was nothing new. You pick up the money with a frown. You hold the wad of cash and wave in his face yelling, “Wha-” You gagged a little, but you were trying not to and forced out the words, ”What is this?!”

“I-” He looked over to the absent holes where his limbs were and seemed to be waiting a specific amount of time knowing when his leg and arm would come back. You didn’t want to admit the realization.

As it really clicked in your brain, you teared up and gagged a little once more.

“Really?” You whimpered out. He finally stood tall in one piece. He reached out and took hold of the money from your hands. You clung onto it, burning your gaze into him. He took it to put into his backpack, and he started to clean up. “Matt!” He stopped his movements. He stands up and looks over to you.

In a soft voice, he says, “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing?!” He flinches back in surprise. “Matthew...You let people mutilate you for money?”

“I’m completely fine. I mean it’s already happened. I have a high pain-”

“That’s not helping. I mean-” You look over to the arm.

“Why in the hell would you let people do this to you? It can’t just be the money...Unless is it really that bad? I can give it you.” You look up hopeful. Nodding you continue, “I’m sure I can help-”

“It’s not-”

“How much?” You start pulling out your wallet. He stops your hands. Tearing up at your willingness. “It’s not about the money.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I do it to feel something…I’ve been kinda numb for a while.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want this.” He pats your hand where your wallet is in. “This.”

“Didn't want me to give you money?”

“I didn’t want you to do everything you can to fix it. I didn’t want to burden you with me when I know you’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Bu-”

“No-” You pull him into a kiss without another thought. You pull back with lip quivering as you only see surprise and no sign of reciprocation.

“Oh, no. Was that wr-” You begin pulling away, but he grabs onto your sides gently holding you in place. Before one hand came to rest on your cheek. He leaned in and kissed you passionately back.

“How could you ever do me wrong when you care so much?”

“I do care about you.”

“I-May not seem like it, but I care about you too...”

“Then, please stop doing this.”

“Y/N-”

“It’s fucked what you're doing. Now, that you know how I feel, I’ll be damned if I don’t stop you from this and stop your feeling numb. It-” You start crying again. “It would hurt too much now every time now that I know what you’ve been doing. So please.” You clung to him. “I usually wouldn’t say something like this but stop for me.” As he looked at your pleading, he found himself saying, “I believe you. Already making me feel different...Make me feel something.”

Hope your day got better

The Boys Masterlist

Full Masterlist

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darthkruge · 3 years

Note

Hi! I've seen that in your recent post you've been trying to make characters more gender neutral which I think is awesome! I'm gonna try and make my request gender neutral as well! I was wondering if you could do a criminal minds imagine (I'll let you choose the character that you wanna write it for cus I love Morgan, Hotch, and Reid equally) where the reader was taken by the unsub but they found her right before the unsub tried to (tw) k!ll the reader. If possible can the end be kinda fluffy♡

Spencer Reid x Reader ~ Maybe

Summary: The classic kidnapping fic where the reader is taken by the unsub and Spencer finds them. Fluffy, comfort-filled ending <3

Warnings: Angst, language, violence, blood, guns, knives, torture, near-death experience, kidnapping in general, (happy ending I promise)

Words: 2.2k

A/N: Hey!! I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me for taking so long to get to this!! And thank you for making your request gender neutral, too! That’s so thoughtful and sweet! And I decided to go with Spencer, although I also love them all. And yes the end will definitely be fluffy, as the angst with a happy/fluffy ending is basically my brand at this part. Thank you for requesting and, again, I’m so sorry for making you wait, I hope you like this!

You woke up and could only register pain. Well, pain and cold. Mind numbing, cuts to your bones, pierces your brain, cold. You tried to look around and get a sense of your surroundings but it was so dark; you could barely make out the shadows in the room, let alone any defining details.

Judging by the old, dirty smell, you guessed you were in a barn or shed somewhere. You had no idea where; the asshole must have knocked you out. You’d been working the case for weeks. The team thought they found some DNA and were tailing the guy, but it didn’t pan out and, since then, the trail had basically been cold. But then you finally figured out what number to trace, cracked his encoded router, and got a license plate and ID. George Craig. On your way to tell the team, he had messed with your car and was able to jump you. Fuck, you hated him.

Even so, you refused to give up. You had faith in your team and, most of all, you had faith in Spencer. Your brilliant, gorgeous boyfriend. You loved him more than anything and there was no one in the world you’d want on the case more than him. You knew the team was already looking for you, as it was only 10am when he got you and it was probably at least 7pm now, judging by the temperature and darkness.

You tried to move your arms but your shoulders screamed in protest. You felt the chains around your legs and the handcuffs binding you to a pole above you. Judging from the pain, your shoulder was almost definitely dislocated. You were sitting at an awkward angle and could already feel your joints tightening. The frigid air definitely wasn’t helping, making your muscles contract and body stiff.

“Hello, Agent L/N”

Your entire body stilled at that moment, sheer panic running through your veins. Stay calm, Y/N, stay calm. You tried to will air into your lungs, forcing deep breaths even though the terror was screaming at you to close up. You knew this man fed on fear and, thus, your best chance of survival was to pretend you were unphased. Even so, the logic felt severely discomforting with him standing above you, knife and gun in hand.

“George. What the fuck do you want from me?” Your voice was venomous, the pure hate for him clearly pictured on your face. You decided that if an emotion was going to show, you preferred hate to fear.

“My, my, my, look at you! I thought you were supposed to be smart. Or is that trait left for your boyfriend. Agent Reid, was it?”

Your blood ran cold. “Leave him out of this.”

“Ohhh, looks like I’ve hit a nerve, haven’t I?” The man had a horrifying smirk on his face, clearly enjoying your struggle.

You glared at him. “You never answered my question”

“Oh, yes!” George chuckled, “What the fuck do you want from me?” He said, mimicking your voice mockingly. “To kill you, of course. To take you away from Spencer, from the team. To make them feel the pain of losing someone, just like I lost-”

He trailed off and you saw his eyes burn with anger. And under that anger, you knew there was pain. Even so, you couldn’t feel bad for this man, regardless of who he’d lost. You knew that at the slightest hint of your empathy, he’d take advantage of it and kill you on the spot.

“You know what? Death would be too easy for you. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be begging me to put you out of your misery. Then, and only then, will I shoot you. I will watch the blood run out of the bullet hole and smile, knowing the pain I caused you and your precious team.”

You wanted to cry, the fear pulling at you. Once again, you pushed it down and channeled your rage. Rage because you were in this situation. Rage because this man had ended so many lives. Rage because you were powerless right now. Rage because holy fuck your shoulder hurt. Gathering the fury, you spat at him.

George’s mouth twisted into a sneer as he brought his leg up and slammed it into your chest. You heaved, the wind knocked out of you. Before you could grasp the air you so desperately needed, George kicked you again. And again. And again. You could feel the bruises forming, your ribs throbbing painfully.

He pulled his fist up and pummeled it into your cheek. Your left cheekbone busted open on impact and your lip split as he backhanded the other side of your face. He slammed the butt of his gun into your temple and your vision swayed, body crumpling as far in on itself as it could, given the restraints.

He kicked at your legs repeatedly, both of them twisting at painful angles. You felt yourself start to black out, the pain unbearable. Every inch of your skin was ablaze, every muscle felt like it had been sledgehammered. Your bones ached, your body numb from his onslaught, the freezing cold, and the restrictive bonds you’d been in for hours.

Finally, he took a moment to stop. He looked at you, at your barely conscious and recognizable state. You were beaten to a pulp, your face and body bloodied and broken. You could feel yourself wanting to give in but forced yourself to stay. For yourself, for Spencer, for the team. For that future you always talked about with him. For the house you were saving for, for the dogs and cats and animals you might one day get. For the family you might decide to have. For the idea of peace, you fought.

George picked up the gun and pointed it at your head. A shot rang free and you braced yourself, a single tear running down your cheek as you realized you would never see your love again. Your ears rang and you felt like time had slowed. You knew the bullet would hit you. Until-

“Y/N, Y/N!” Your name was being called, the gentle yet panicked voice cutting through the ringing in your head. You tentatively opened your eyes and saw George’s body on the floor, blood oozing out of him. You slowly moved your eyes around, trying to take in your surroundings.

Everything was overwhelming. Nothing was registering properly in your brain. It was just sounds filtering in an out, vision flickering. You felt like you were floating through the ringing in your ears. Tears ran down your cheeks as you shook. You didn’t know why you were shaking. The cold. The shock, you reasoned. Both seemed likely. It was like there was an overwhelming sense of calm. Your body was shutting down. Somehow, this gave you understanding.

You felt the handcuffs around your wrists release and your arms dropped limply. You knew you should feel pain from your dislocated shoulder but, instead, you just let your eyes closed and felt your body fall. The last thing you remembered was coming into contact with a Kevlar vest, messy brown hair, and a familiar sense of warmth.

When you awoke, you felt yourself being gently jostled. Your eyes slowly opened and you took in him. Spencer was looking at you, concern evident on his features.

“Hi.” You said, voice hoarse.

“Hi, angel. Let’s get you inside, alright?”

You nodded, allowing him to help support your weight as you stepped out of the car. You leaned heavily into him, your legs badly injured. Spencer wrapped his arm snug around your waist as the two of you slowly but surely made it into your shared apartment.

He helped you sit on the couch before moving to join you.

“I’m surprised they let you take me home. I thought I’d wake up in a hospital, for sure.”

“They did take you there, love. You were at the hospital for a few hours but you were in and out of consciousness. You’ll heal, don’t worry. A few broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, severe bruising, sprains on your legs and ankles.”

“Plus a busted face” You add drily.

Spencer wasn’t amused by your attempt at sarcasm. Instead, he just pushed your hair behind your ear and leaned in, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I should have gotten there sooner, I should have been with you! If I was there, if I was quicker-”

“Spencer, please don’t blame yourself for this! No one could have known. Besides, you saved me. And I’m not just talking about that in the literal sense. When he was beating me, when I was broken down, I thought of you. I thought of our future, our dream. Holding onto that is the only reason I didn’t give up.”

Spencer’s eyes were filled with tears as he went to gently cup your face. He couldn’t find the words to express the love and relief he felt. “I’m just glad you’re back in my arms”

You moved to hug him but winced. Even though the doctors had patched you up pretty well, the soreness and pain lingered and probably would continue like that for at least the next couple of days.

“Hey, it’s alright. Let’s go to bed. I think you’ll feel better once you lay down, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” You followed him into the room, holding his hand the entire time. Spencer noticed but didn’t mind, he knew you were just looking for comfort, exceedingly normal for what you’d just gone through.

You laid down, settling against the pillows and fluffy blankets Spencer had prepared for you.

“Do you need anything, baby?”

“Water?”

“Of course.” He smiled at you before moving to get up but you quickly grabbed his hand, panic overtaking you at the thought of being alone. You looked at him helplessly, hoping your gaze would convey the words that died on your tongue.

Spencer nodded knowingly. He helped you out of bed, pulling you along with him as the two of you went to the kitchen. He wordlessly got you the drink, making sure to keep touching you the entire way. Finally, you made it back and the both of you crawled into bed. You laid on your uninjured shoulder, placing your cheek on Spencer’s chest. His arm came around you, holding you to him and drawing soothing circles into your skin.

You closed your eyes and were immediately sent back to the shed. You tensed, pulling back. Spencer caught on and looked deeply into your eyes. “You’re safe now, Y/N. He can’t get to you anymore.”

“I know. Rationally, I know. But my brain won’t shut off. It’s like, whenever I’m not actively thinking about something else or looking at something else or hearing something else, it just comes back. Spence, I can’t- I can’t sleep. I just, I’m sure it’ll come back to me tonight.” Your voice broke, tears spilling onto your cheeks. “I don’t think I can handle reliving it and I’m so fucking exhausted. But I can’t rest because I can’t escape the nightmares.”

Spencer wanted so badly to comfort you but didn’t know what he could do. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t take the pain away. He wished he could put the trauma onto himself but, unfortunately, he was powerless. Thus, he offered understanding. He gave validation. He gave kindness and pure, nonjudgmental love.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m here for you and I know that doesn’t do much right now but I am. I’ll be here when the nightmares come and I’ll be here when the flashbacks try and drag you under. I’ll be here when the trauma starts to fade but suddenly reappears and I’ll be here 20 years from now, when the memory will still be real and painful but not all-consuming. I’ll be here forever, I’ll be here always. Please, tell me what to do to help you.” Spencer begged, hoping beyond all hope that there was something he could do to ease your suffering.

“Read to me?”

“Wha- what?”

“Read to me.” You repeated, more assured this time. “I’m thinking that if I can hear your voice, maybe it’ll drown out my brain. Or something. I don’t know. I just want to hear your voice, it’s soothing. Please?”

Spencer was taken aback. He didn’t think something so simple could help you. He didn’t know his sheer presence brought you that much serenity. “Yeah, of course. Of course! Yeah, any preference?”

“Not really. Whatever’s here?”

“Okay, love.” Spencer picked up his current read and began in the middle. You felt the rumble of his chest, the vibrations of his voice and felt more at ease. The anxiety was still there, the panic never far away. And yet, curled into him, his breath tickling your ear, his body warming yours, it suddenly felt alright. Like maybe you hadn’t gone through some life-altering trauma. Or maybe you had but your life wasn’t over because of it. Maybe you’d heal. Maybe, if you could find a moment of peace now, you’d find more later. Maybe? Yeah, You thought. You could work with maybe.

i just made a taglist so if you want to join, go ahead!

tags:

@saltybreaddream

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x gender neutral reader #spencer reid x gn!reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #megan writes

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

Note

Do you have any tips on how you deal with your bad trauma days that you're comfortable sharing? I know they won't work for everyone, but I'm having a bit of a nasty trauma day and I'm not quite sure how to handle it tbh. thank you in advance :]

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day :( I don't mind sharing, and even if I can only share the things that help me personally, I really hope some of this can help you or someone else! And, of course, the following tips are all coming from someone who is not living in an unsafe or abusive situation anymore; so this might not be helpful for someone having a bad trauma day while still being in a traumatic situation.

I think, for me, one of the most important steps of getting through bad trauma days is to realise I'm having a bad trauma day. During those days, it's easy to get carried away by my messy thoughts and emotions and take them as fact. For example, I might feel really hopeless, or defensive, or out of control, and in the moment those feelings are so real it's hard to remember how it is to not feel that way. It's like my brain decides this is what life as a whole feels like and rolls with it.

When this happens, I try to ask myself is this: “was I feeling this way yesterday?” (or an hour ago, or a three days ago?). “Did I feel like there was no hope for me or like everything was too much and too painful yesterday?” Most often, this far into my recovery, the answer is no. I was having a fine day yesterday. Everything felt under control yesterday. And remembering this this helps me believe it'll feel that way again tomorrow and that what I'm feeling right now is temporary—it's a wave I've ridden many times before, and I just have to ride it again.

Once I've realised this, I take a few minutes to accept that the next few hours or couple or days are gonna be rough and messy, and I’m allowed to not be hard on myself for not achieving the same things I would on a normal day. You know those posts that say "your best looks different every day"? During bad trauma days, I make an effort to accept that my best is going to be very very low, and that's okay. It's okay if all I do is survive, rest, and work on soothing myself and riding the wave. With some luck, everything else will be able to wait a little bit—a couple of hours at the very least.

What I do to get through the worst of it varies. Sometimes, I lie in bed stay away from people and my phone for a bit, because I know I might say or do something impulsive or hurtful. I allow myself as much time as I need to go through all the heavy and ugly emotions and cry if I need to, and only move out of bed when I feel a bit more in charge of myself again.

Sometimes, I vent-write about the emotions I'm going through to express myself. I usually write stories where the characters are experiencing the same things as I am but for completely different reasons so I don't trigger myself further by remembering my own experiences.

Sometimes, I do things that comfort and distract me, like watch a feel-good movie I've watched 30 times or funny/cute videos online.

I always try to allow myself anything my body tells me I need in the moment (as long as it's not self-destructive, of course). If I'm craving something salty, I'll eat a bag of chips, for example. If I need to cancel plans, or to turn the lights off, or to lie down, or to put on clothes with soothing textures, or to hug a stuffed toy, I'll do those things. If I start falling asleep, I allow myself to fall asleep. I've found when I'm in distress it's pretty easy for me to know what my body needs, but it's also easy to try to deny myself those things because I feel like “they're silly or I don't deserve them”. So I make a conscious effort to fight that voice and try to treat myself like a would any sick person I was taking care of: with compassion.

In addition, I think it’s a good idea to keep around things or tools you might need in future bad days. For example, when I cry, I usually crave something tasty afterwards, so I try to keep a small stash of snacks around that I can turn to on bad days (since during those days I might not be able to go buy them). Other people might find it helpful to have apps like Calm Harm or Emergency Chat installed, or to carry a comfort item or a stim toy around, or to own an extra soft blanket or something you bought for the sole purpose of breaking it if you really need to break something at any point.

Of course, not all these things can always be done—sometimes you're not home or you have responsibilities to attend to, and can’t just take a nap or distract yourself. But I think just being aware of your needs during bad trauma days, and allowing yourself to meet those needs when possible even if it means putting almost everything else on hold for a little bit, can really go a long way.

I also think even though an important part of trauma recovery can be to step out of your comfort zone and face things that feel scary and unsafe, during bad trauma days it's okay to stay in your comfort zone and not face those things. So if, for example, busses make you feel unsafe or anxious, but you're making an effort to ride them when you need to (instead of avoiding them at all costs), I think it's okay if facing the bus is too much during a bad trauma day and you end up avoiding it. You don’t need to be hard on yourself for it. Again, your best doesn’t have to look like it usually does. Bad trauma days are survival days, not recovery days. You can work on continuing to recover when you're feeling better again.

Sending a virtual hug ❤ I hope you feel better soon, and if anyone else wants to share their advice, you’re more than welcome to!

#ask #trauma #trauma recovery #ptsd #cptsd #ptsd recovery #cptsd recovery #abuse mention #trauma tw #abuse recovery

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bakugou-jpg · 4 years

Text

Cherry wine || Single dad!Tsukishima

So hello! This is something i’ve been planning on posting for awhile now. Idk if i like it or not and Tsukishima might be a bit OOC since i haven’t been in the Haikyuu fandom for very long but oh well. Tomorrow i’ll try and post the masterlist for it and how many chapters it’ll have!

-Prologue-

“I’m pregnant”

The silence that fell over the room became deafening, not a single sound except for the distant students outside of the dorm building chatting and laughing together. The fan in the corner of the room buzzed, rotating left and right and rustling some papers on the desk. The wind softly blew through his hair, making the heat more bearable than it was before but at that very moment his thoughts and gone completely blank.

The girl in front of him leaned onto the desk that was placed behind her and knitted her eyebrows together, not in anger but purely because she had been lost in thought. Her arms were crossed and she looked at the boy's feet, biting her bottom lip while doing so.

To say it was a shock, was simply too lightly. I mean, yes, the two of them hadn't exactly done much to prevent it that night so it had been quite the possibility but it had never crossed his mind. She was pregnant, something he did. The clumb of cells that was currently busy forming into a little human was because of him.

"Tsukishima"

Tsukishima's head snapped up and for a moment his eyes widened slightly. They held eye contact for a moment, neither of them breaking it. They were both, confused. Neither of them knowing what to do know and neither of them knowing what to say.

The boy adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. He folded his hands together and fiddled around with them, something he unconciously did when he was nervous. "..Oh"

Its all he could think of at that moment. Tsukishima, a man who always knew how to respond to whatever situation with either a logic answer or a cocky remark now felt silent. He was a rational person, but now it seemed that his brain short circuited.

The girl sighed, her eyes falling down to the ground once again. She moved one of her hands to rub over her face and then started biting her thumb nail. "I found out on Sunday. I..wanted to think about it myself a bit first. Hope you understand" She said, her voice trailing off.

Tsukishima nodded. "Of course."

Another silence.

There was one question he was dying to ask, of course, the most obvious one. He was a strong believer of the belief that it was her body and her choice and that he didn't have ANY saying in what she wanted to do, but he was still curious. At that moment he didn't even know which decision he wanted or preferred. Would it be bad if he asked? Or was it too soon?

"What do you- " "I-"

They both fell silent, not wanting to interrupt one another. Tsukishima excused himself and nodded towards her. "Sorry, go on".

The girl in front of her looked a little anxious and bit her lip before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes to calm her nerves. She breathed out and locked eyes with the boy standing in front of her. "I've thought about it..and decided what choice i wanted to make and i hope you can support me in that."

Tsukishima quickly nodded and waved his hand. "Your body your choice. Whatever decision you make i will respect it so do not rely on my approval" He said, something which made her worried expression relax. It felt as if there had bee a weight lifted off of her shoulders.

She nodded, letting her eyes roam around the room for a second trying to figure out how to put it into words.

"For the longest time i've planned out what i wanted to do with my life, with my future. Go to college, study to become an archeologist and become succesful and travel around..A baby can't fit into that plan, not yet."

Understandable. Tsukishima understood what she meant, for he too had a plan of what he wanted to do in the future. Work in a museum, it was something that he loved the idea of ever since he was a kid. She wanted to become something bigger, so of course a baby would only get in the way.

She cleared her throat and fiddled her hands. "I do, however, want to give it a chance of being able to live. For him or her to find out what joys life can gift to you and how wonderful the world can be..So i'm going to give them up for adop-"

"I'll raise them"

What.

The girl's eyes widened and she looked at Tsukishima in shock.

Tsukishima pushed himself off of the wall and looked at her for a second before taking a step closer to her. "I'll take responsibility and raise them."

What was he saying?

The girl blinked in surprise, her mouth slightly agape from the sudden response one that she had not expected in a million years. Tsukishima's eyebrows were slightly knitted, something which showed he was dear serious over this. "..please"

Why was he saying this?

The girl snapped out of her daze and ran her fingers through her hair, her other hand cupping her still flat stomach. "I-..Wh- Tsukishima..are you serious?" She asked in disbelieve, still taken aback from the reaction. "With all due respect, Tsukishima, but i really hope you understand i am not planning on raising this baby alongside you nor am i planning to hop in at a later age. I just-"

"I don't care for that. You won't have to be involved in any way, i'll make my own money, buy my own two bedroom apartment, raise my own kid. I'll work it out, if you want i'll cover half of all your medical bills" Tsukishima said while leaning back again, looking at her with his usual stoic expression again. Yet, his golden brown eyes held a mixture of confusion and fear. But that was something she would never be able to catch onto.

God what the fuck was he saying

The girl sighed and shook her head a little, trying to wrap her head around what was happening. "I mean..Medical bills won't be a problem, my family's wealthy enough to be able to cover that without a problem..I just..I thought you were passionate about this college course and wanting to succeed? Its not some kind of puppy you raise, can leave at home for the day and to come back at the end of the day and feed it and sometimes throw a stick around, Tsuki-"

"Do i look like an idiot to you?" Tsukishima said with narrowed eyebrows, tapping his finger on his other arm impatiently. Surely, he fooled around with her, but Tsukishima couldn't stand the way she thought she was better and smarter than him.

The girl rolled her eyes and sighed. "You know what i mean" She snapped back. "Its gonna be a big responsibility, its gonna get in the way of you making it big out there."

Once again, a silence fell over the dorm.

Tsukishima's thoughts were screaming at him. Telling him this decision was an impulsive one, how he had to think it through first and asking him over and over again what he was thinking. He knitted his eyebrows together and stared at the ground, slowly nodding.

"I know what i'm doing"

No he did not

The girl nodded and shrugged, her eyes glancing to the clock hanging on his wall. She looked back at Tsukishima and hummed, pushing herself off of the desk. "Well, okay then. I've got class in ten minutes, we'll discuss the details later on. Take care" She said, pushing herself off of the desk. Her hand reached out for Tsukishima's shoulder and gave it a small squeeze, something which made Tsukishima just the slightest bit uncomfortable.

He didn't even say anything, simply too caught up with the sea of a void that suddenly washed over him. It numbed all of his thoughts, all of his surroundings as the thumping of his own heartbeat echoed in his ear.

The click of his dorm room falling back into its lock flew past him, not even having noticed the girl had left. Tsukishima stood there for about 10 minutes until he was pulled back to the surface, something which made him fall back onto his bed. He put his elbows on his knees, his hands raking through his hair as he looked at his ground with slightly panicked eyes.

He let out a long sigh, his hand running over his face as he threw his head back and leaned it against the wall. It was already dark, the only people outside being the ones going to their night classes. It was cold, after all it was October and the weather hadn't been exactly the nicest out.

Tsukishima glanced out of his window, his eyes following the form of the girl who was just left his dorm and was now running outside to arrive at her class in time. His eyes were locked onto her until she had turned a corner, now out of sight.

What did he just agree to?

He let his eyes slowly slide down from his window to his bed, a place where his phone was resting. Without really thinking about it, he reached out for the phone, pressing a few buttons before bringing it up to his ear.

"..Tadashi? I..i fucked up"

Nine months felt a lot longer than it usually did. While a school year usually felt like it flew by rather quickly to Tsukishima, these past few months felt like as if there was a chain with a heavy ball chained to his ankles. Every minute, every second felt like it took forever.

As the trees lost their leaves, the snow covered the ground. As the snow melted away, the flowers started blooming again. As the flowers grew higher, the temperature did too. With every transmission, Tsukishima's feet grew heavier and heavier. It all lead up to that one moment. One moment that would change his life forever, a moment he'd remember till' the day he'd die.

As the seconds ticked by, they turned into minutes. As the small hand of the clock moved forward made a full circle, the hours started moving by. Slow, very slowly. Tsukishima lost sense of time, sitting in that chair waiting for someone to give him a sign and to inform him of the slightest bit of news. Anything.

His thoughts even stopped at some point. Surely he was panicking internally and the fact that his phone kept buzzing in his pocket, his family and Yamaguchi repeatedly asking him how it was going, didn't make it any better. Hell, the fact Yamaguchi managed to leak the information to his old teammates didn't soothen the buzz in his pockets at all. But he just stared at a wall.

The ticking of the clock, the water that dripped from the tap, the foot steps from the nurses, the distant screams of agony and the phone that rang every 15 minutes in the nurses office started to feel like a pattern. A never ending pattern that had repeated itself almost a million times already.

"Mr. Tsukishima?"

Fuck

Tsukishima's head snapped up and his eyes met the one of an older woman who was wearing a long blue cover up and a mask hanging next to the side of her head. She wore a smile on her face, a tired one, but a happy one. She had discarded the gloves she wore and Tsukishima noticed some light blood smears on the gown she was wearing.

"He's here"

In the past 9 months that had passed, Tsukishima had never thought that his feet could feel more heavier. But in that moment it felt as if Medusa herself had locked eyes with him and stared into his golden brown eyes, drinking in his beauty before stiffening his body and turning it into stone.

He didn't notice how his lanky long body had gotten up from the chair he had been sitting at for the past few hours and how he was now silently walking behind the doctor, following in her footsteps as she lead him to a room.

"The mother told me to inform you she didn't want to see your son and that she'd appreciate it if you stayed away for a little while" The nurse said while holding the door for him open.

His son

Tsukishima looked around the room, noticing how extremely empty and silent it was. The beds that were there were empty, waiting for a new patient to arrive. The blind were closed, but it let the slightest bit of light through cascading down onto to the little bin standing in the middle of it, surrounded by two other nurses that were busy with what was inside of it.

The two nurses looked up at him and smiled, one of them walking towards the exit of the room while the other reached out for the bundle of blankets inside of the little bed. She picked it up, stepping towards Tsukishima with a very kind small. One he didn't notice, for his eyes were only focused on the very small baby she held in her hands. "Meet your son" She said while holding the baby out for him, adjusting his hands just slightly so he'd make the baby feel comfortable.

He held out his hands, taking the bundle of blankets into his arms and immediately holding him close to his body. Tsukishima made sure to support his head, remembering all the things he read in a book his mother gifted him after having announced the news. He wouldn't dare to cause the baby any discomfort, it felt as if he was made out of the thinnest porcelain in the world.

"We'll give you a moment, we'll be next door if u need us" Tsukishima heard the older nurse say before the door shut behind her, leaving both him and his son alone in the room.

The baby slightly moved around in his blanket, one of his tiny arms poking through and stretching out towards Tsukishima's face before returning back into the comfort of his warm cocoon. A small yawn left the baby's mouth, a sight that made Tsukishima's eyes soften.

"Someone's pretty tired, huh? Nine months of sleep ain't enough for you, buddy?" He whispered, peering into the little eyes that were slowly opening up revealing a very familar pair of golden brown ones although his appeared to be just a bit more darker. It also didn't Tsukishima long before he noticed the dark blonde hairs poking out of his hat, ones that almost matched his own but just being a shade darker than his own.

He grinned and stroked the baby's cheek, taking in every detail of his face. "Aren't you just a sight for sore eyes, like i'm looking into a mirror." Tsukishima said with a short snicker.

In that very moment, Tsukishima felt his feet get lighter. The heavy chain on his feet he carried around for months that got heavier and heavier broke, just by the single stare the boy had on him. He didn't care anymore, about what he was gonna do in the future. He didn't care about if he'd still be able to finish college or if he was gonna be able to pull through.

Every thing he did, was gonna be for him. Every decision he made, was gonna be with him in the back of his mind. Every thing decent nice thing he did, he did hoping he could be somewhat proud of his old man.

And so, from 7 years from that moment, on Tsukishima was going to have a succesful career. One he had achieved after graduating from college, something he couldn't of have done without the motivation he had after his son was born and he was going to make sure his son was always first with whatever he did.

"Welcome to the world, Kaoru"

#haikyuu!!#tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei #tsukishima #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #tsukishima x y/n #haikyuu x y/n #tsukishima x you

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fraddit · 2 years

Text

I wanted to do a fic rec list for buddie, but also I hate deciding things and I'm bad at writing pretty things about the fics I like. So I went through my roughly 200 ao3 buddie bookmarks, pulled out the ones that, as stated above, made my brain go !!!, and put them in alphabetical order.

There's 50 fics in total, so I broke it down to 5 more manageable posts of 10 fics each. This is post number 3. I hope you enjoy.

Part One | Part Two | Part Four | Part Five

i close my eyes (all the stars align) by @hattalove (T, 2k)

“Eddie Diaz,” she says, in a voice that makes Buck cower, “tell me this isn’t what it looks like.” “I don’t know what it looks like,” Eddie huffs. “My fucking eyes are closed.” “He didn’t see me!” Buck steps in. “And I didn’t see him either. We’re playing by the rules.” who would win? a centuries-old tradition that forbids you from seeing your spouse on your wedding day, or two silly firefighters in love?

i don't swim and you're not in love by @hattalove (T, 32k)

She turns to Eddie and says something else, but Buck is busy fighting the headrush he gets at the sound of Ana Flores calling Eddie and Christopher 'the boys'. Like they belong to her already. God, what’s wrong with him? What is this? or, eddie cooks, chris domesticates a slug, and buck tries to figure out why he hates his best friend's girlfriend. to everyone's immense shock and surprise, it goes badly.

I know you’re hurting (but so am I) by justhockey (NR, 4k)

Eddie understands better than maybe anyone else ever could, how it feels to have everything unravel in the palm of your hands. He knows frustration - he knows fury. He’s painfully familiar with that burning rage that crackles in the tips of your fingers, that makes your skin hot and chest tight, and makes you want to punch anyone that dares to even look at you. But that doesn’t give Chim the right to lay a damn hand on Buck.

I was late but I arrived by justhockey (NR, 5k)

Buck has people who love him, and that’s not going to change, even if Eddie isn’t one of those people anymore.

I’m gonna give all my secrets away by @an-optimist-prime, @tails89 (T, 2.5k)

“Truth or dare?” "Really?" “What? Would you rather play I spy?” Buck asks, rolling his eyes. “I spy something brown...surprise! It’s the shitty panelling in the elevator we’ve been trapped in for an hour.” - Or, the one where Buck and Eddie get trapped in an elevator during a blackout, and play truth or dare to pass the time.

in my heart i wanted more by @woodchoc-magnum (M, 47.5k)

Set post-Season 5, Episode 4 and 5 - in which Buck and Taylor's relationship is slowly crumbling, Eddie has some big realisations about his sexuality, and true feelings are revealed.

in silence, a train runs off its tracks by catching_paper_moons (T, 3k)

So 3 am at the firehouse finds Eddie the only one awake, his heart pounding too hard for him to actually relax. It’s not like he needs to, exactly; lord only knows how long he’s gone without sleep at this point, but now that he can’t hear Buck, Hen, and Ravi’s breathing, it’s too quiet, the lights down too low. He needs some sort of distraction. He wants to go to sleep. It’s just— Sleep doesn’t come very easily to Eddie these days. (aka Eddie and Buck try to talk)

in the arms of the ocean by @littlespooneven (T, 7k)

“Someone wanted to come say hi before we head home,” Eddie says, voice a little gravelly around the edges, and Buck can only imagine how worn out he must be by now. He has no idea what Eddie faced today but he can’t imagine it’s been much easier than anything Buck endured. Buck opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. Instead he just stares in awe as Eddie picks Chris up under his arms and deposits him onto the cot on Buck’s right side. Buck scrambles to put an arm around him to hold him in place but it’s not really necessary when Christopher immediately curls into him anyway. He tucks his face into the crook of Buck’s neck and mumbles out a tired but relieved, “You’re okay.” All the breath in Buck’s body rushes out of him at once at that and he wraps both arms around Christopher, pressing a kiss to the matted hair at the top of his head. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, voice hitching around the lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t find you, buddy.” * After the tsunami, Eddie takes Buck home.

keep them in your eyes by @archerincombat (G, 2k)

“Well I wasn’t going to bring Buck,” Chris replies, walking rapidly towards a bench overlooking the Pacific Ocean. “Though he took me to visit mom the other day. It’s like my trauma world tour.” “Chris-” “My therapist suggested it!” “Oh, that makes it better.” Chris grins. “Sorry, Dad,” he says, though he doesn’t sound all that sorry. “If it makes you feel better, I got the sarcasm from you too.”

This is mostly an Eddie and Christopher fic, and it's beautiful.

keep your eyes on the road by @evanbucxley (M, 4k)

Buck used to speed through yellow lights; now they’re his favorite part of the drive. -- or; a glimpse into buck and eddie’s developing relationship, told through ten moments stopped at a traffic light

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckely #911 #911 fox #buddie fic #buddie fic rec #eddie x buck #buck x eddie #fraddit buddie fic recs #shut up fraddit

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