one-abuse-survivor

[one-abuse-survivor]

No one else gets to tell you how you should cope with your trauma. No one else gets to tell you how you should feel about your trauma. No one gets to tell you what your healing journey should look like.

And yes, this applies if they’ve been through trauma as well. Everyone’s trauma and healing presents differently and just because something was true for them doesn’t mean it has to be true for you, too.

#Trauma #Recovery

[one-abuse-survivor]

hello everyone, im here to bless your dash with my 3-legged old man, Sammy!

#Monday floofs #Cat

[one-abuse-survivor]

#Monday floofs #Sheep

[one-abuse-survivor]

The fact that my mom is a licensed family nurse partitioner terrifies me. This is the same person who takes care of patients but also gave me, her kid, a bunch of trauma based disorders.

She claims to "advocate" for mental health, but she invalidates mine; to her, I'm either exaggerating, lying, or i don't have the disorder I claim to have even if i'm evaluated, professionally diagnosed, and confirmed by a professional that I do have it. She calls me crazy, dramatic, and a crybaby for showing symptoms, especially if she did or said something that triggered me despite me telling her to stop it.

She ruined my chance of getting a correct diagnosis because she told my psychiatrist that I've been experiencing symptoms of psychosis and having mental breakdowns because of it, when in reality, she was actually triggering me on purpose until I eventually snapped. When I eventually got a correct diagnosis, she then went on and on about how I didn't actually have it because "she knows me better."

She sides with my abusers, defends them, makes excuses for them, and justifies their behavior. When I open up about the things that happened to me, she invalidates me and tries to make me think that I'm being dramatic. She asks invasive questions just because she's mad at me. She asks me about CSA or being afraid of a family member of mine because they sexually harass me on a daily basis. She mocks me about CSA (she doesn't know that I experienced that, though). She defended one of my abusers who made fun of someone committing suicide, and she only got angry at me for being offended. But she works with co-wokers and patients who have been victims of abuse and had attempted suicides.

I stopped telling her about my self-harm because she calls me stupid and childish for doing it. But she works with patients who have harmful and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

She acts like I can just turn my symptoms on and off. I tell her that I'm struggling with dissociation, and she just asks me why can't I just tone it down or if I can do that somewhere else. And yet she's the "professional" who knows everything. She knows I have memory issues and time loss, and she uses that against me to gaslight me and makes me doubt myself.

I don't talk to her about any of my issues or mental health status anymore. All she does is make it worse. I have to find ways to vent/cope and then tell my therapist about it.

Everyone at her job thinks she's the best nurse there, but they don't know the shit she does when no one is looking. I'm worried for her patients. She gets angry at the other nurses and doctors for not doing their job correctly, but she can't even treat her kid, who has many mental disorders correctly. She's honestly so fucking evil and disgusting, and I'm worried for any of the patients and co-workers that she has.

It's no wonder you're worried, nonnie; she sounds extremely abusive, and she sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing and how to get away with it. I'm really sorry you've had to endure so much gaslighting, ableism, and just so much abuse from her. Triggering you on purpose is downright vile, and I really hope you can get away from her eventually, because no one deserves to be around someone who's willing to hurt them this badly.

If you're ever at a point in your life where you're safe from her, and you want to consider reporting her at work, you could look into how it's done where you live/where she works at. Just please, don't put yourself in danger to help others. The oxygen mask rule applies in a situation like this—always, always prioritise your own safety before trying to save someone else.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive mother #Gaslighting tw #Emotional abuse tw #ableism tw #abuse apologism #Victim blaming tw #Csa #Csa tw #Suicide mention #Suicide tw #Self-harm tw #Sh tw #Self harm tw

[one-abuse-survivor]

(1/?)) I dont even know where to start. I'm almost sure I'm autistic. My whole life I have been alone. I have walked alone and learned almost everything about emotional intelligence on my own. My father used to scream at us, me and my brother and mother. He is still the same person who is so obsessed with cleanliness and order and being right all the time he forgets he's supposed to love us. He treats me very differently from my brother bc I'm afab. They're both covertly quite sexist and stupid.

(2/?)) And my whole life I've been treated by him as if I were a little pet of his. He likes me because I always do my best to do things as he orders us to and because I'm the one who can best understand him (he's likely undiagnosed neurodivergent). My whole life I've been treated by him as if I was a dog. My past therapist even said that they must have treated me well, then, seeing how they treat our current pet dog. (I hated that therapist btw, not seeing her anymore). My father disgusts me.

(3/?)) And what's worse is that pitiful excuse of a man used to grope me too. He did it as a "joke" and everyone around us thought it was fine and great. It was that stupid joke of hitting someone's butt in a friendly way. Except dad did this only to mother and me. Never to my brother. It was only to us afab. And not even my mother liked it. It made me uncomfortable in my own body for years. Nobody intervened. Everyone just laughed along. I couldn't communicate my distress so I laughed too.

(4/?)) My mother is the one that has changed for the better since my childhood. I remember me and my brother as kids crying and begging her to stop yelling at us over school grades and studying. She was the most strict over school. She also had the emotional maturity of a little spoiled kid. I remember many times being a shoulder for her to cry on and vent about my father and brother or work or whatever. She never did the same for me. She took some things I did very personally and went into long

(5/?)) periods of stonewalling me until I gave in and apologized to her. Mind you, that was when something I had done set her off in her tantrums and she turned herself into *the* victim. I remember many times when she was mad at me. I'd come to the kitchen to eat lunch and she'd be happily chatting with my brother and father. But once she saw me her face turned stone cold. She looked at me with such hatred and left. I didn't want to apologize without actually being sorry- I didn't do any wrongs

(6/?)) but I was obligated to, so that she could stop ruining the mood. She was somehow always the victim, always in the right. And she said to me she loved me. But when I didn't want to hug her because of sensory issues she'd start the guilt-tripping and would force me to apologize to her while hugging. When I didn't want to eat her food because it gave me sensory issues and because eating was to be done with family, she became offended. She forced me to say "I love you" back. I didn't mean it.

(7/?)) Everything my parents did was done under the guise of loving, wise parents. And they loved me. Still do. I don't reciprocate. Even if my mother is way more mature now and even if my father no longer yells. I still hate them. They apologized to me once or twice. It didn't feel like a proper apology. Just the words "I'm sorry for everything". And my brother once told me how much my actions have made them upset. He told me I shouldn't fight fire with fire. I said that to him before.

(8/?)) The only person in this household I cannot bring myself to hate is my brother. We're twins. We're supposed to have this special, otherworldly, unbreakable bond. We used to be good friends. But he was jealous of the treatment I got from our parents. Since I was studious and also afab (therefore, "weaker") my parents didn't punish me as much as him. Brother said he had it worse once. But god, I think nothing has made me sadder than seeing how distant we've become. He was my bestie once.

(9/?)) And he is the only person in the world who could understand what hell we went through in this house. But he doesn't. He's polite enough now, I guess. I mean, he mostly ignores me. But before he bullied me really badly. Treated me like scum on earth for trying to bond with him. He said it was just an average sibling rivalry. But it wasn't. I also hurt him sometimes. Mostly physical stuff (biting, scratching, etc) and sometimes I'd try to make him change his political views alongside my mom

(10/?)) It wasn't a sibling rivalry. For one, I only ever saw him as a beloved brother. Secondly, I was fully unable to defend myself verbally. I couldn't understand what was happening, I couldn't articulate my thoughts. I could only hit him. He did try to intimidate me with his size once. He's very tall. I almost kicked him in the groin so he'd back off. Anyways, he had stopped allowing me to touch him since we were 5. It confused me. I never understood why. Likely was jealousy or something.

(11/?)) He seemed to blame me for his pain, for all the neglect we endured, but not our parents. It wasn't my fault. I only ever wanted a friend in him. But seeing as he's becoming more like my father day by day, I think it's not going to happen. Their voices have grown too alike. He speaks to my mother like she was inferior to him. He covertly looks down on everyone, it seems. His worldview is not very nice, that much I'll say. Though thankfully he doesn't seem that prejudiced. I mean, at least

(12/?)) he's not racist. He is kinda sexist tho. I wish I could have him in my life as my friend and companion. But we're too different. We don't even like the same things. I have nothing to talk to him about other than what food's on the fridge. He has been nice sometimes, in the past. He can be kind. He can be cool. Only when he wants to, though. Cause when he's in a bad mood it should be everyone's problem too. He makes us walk on eggshells around him. My mother lets him step all over her.

(12/?)) Oh and also my parents used to fight amongst each other. Obviously. But it was never physical. We kids could hear the yelling. Almost always over something stupid like at what order my mother was supposed to put pots and pans away or something. Our extended family is cool. They make our parents behave just by their presence. But one lives in another city and other lives in another state. Both are several kilometers away. All that to say what makes me the saddest in this world is that

(13/?)) nobody noticed what was going on. No adult ever stepped up to help. I was never given the compassion and freedom from responsibility that children do. Now I'm 19 and I'll never get that. People just want me to be an adult now and be responsible for my own problems. But all I have ever wanted was to not be responsible for my problems, just for a while. Y'know that carefreeness childhood is supposed to be all about? Will never get it. Ever. Now everyone wants me to deal with it like an

(13/?)) adult. Mostly on my own. And it sucks too much. I hate it. I hate that I always had to do it all alone. I hate that I'll keep doing it forever and ever. I hate it. I'm upset no teacher saw what was happening. None of my friends really noticed. And if they did, there wasn't much they could do. They were also kids. And it sucks that I don't have anyone that's truly always there for me to turn to when things get rough. I have some beloved friends who help me but I don't know how much I'm

(14/?)) supposed to lean on them. I'm afraid of being like my mom and depending too much on them. I'm doing therapy now, thankfully with a good professional this time. But gosh I wish things could be easier. On top of everything I have an invisible disability that's terribly stigmatized. And I'm pretty much just a child still. 19 is pretty young. But I feel as if I've been here forever every time I can hear my parents happilly coming to my room with my dog. I hate them. I want them to leave me

(15/15)) alone. They always tell me how much effort they've put in. How they've changed. But it's still bad. It sucks that I feel guilty about trying to protect myself. I'm grateful for always having had food to eat tho. And a warm bed to sleep in. Though I was usually so afraid to ask them for stuff I ended up getting some medical neglect along the way. Sorry for this being so long, I just really, really needed to vent. Thanks for all you do. It really helps me on my rough days. (End)

Hey, nonnie. I hope letting all of this out helped.

I'm really sorry you've gone through so much. You never deserved any of it. And I really understand the grief of being an adult who will never get to experience childhood carefreeness. It can feel so overwhelming sometimes... I don't know how much you know about this already, but there are some ways for adults to let go of control just for a little while to let themselves experience the innocence they were deprived of as kids. I'm sure there's ways to do it in therapy, and you could also look into littlespace if you're curious. (Just a suggestion, of course!)

I can't imagine how painful it must be to have a twin turn against you and bully you the way your brother did. A lot of it sounds like it could've been a trauma reaction due to your parents' abuse, but there's no excuse for being a misogynist and victim-blamer, especially at your age, when he should be mature enough to make a better decision about what he believes is and isn't fair.

It's so good to hear that you're seeing a good therapist now. I really hope things keep changing for the better for you, nonnie. You really deserve it.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Abuse tw #Abusive father tw #Verbal abuse tw #Sexism tw #Misogyny tw #Bad therapy #Sa tw #Sexual abuse tw #Sexual harassment tw #Incest tw #Emotional neglect tw #Emotional abuse tw #strict parents #Parentification tw #Victim blaming tw #Victim blaming #Guilt tripping tw #Abusive mother tw #Bullying tw #Toxic brother #Abusive brother tw #Domestic violence tw #Trauma tw #Vent #Medical neglect tw

[one-abuse-survivor]

They love each other

#Monday floofs #Cat #Cats

[one-abuse-survivor]

He’s a musician

#Monday floofs #dog

[one-abuse-survivor]

If you’ve been stuck trying to please a mom who became abusive/toxic because of generational trauma, realize you won’t save her. You might be the subject of your mom’s rage, paranoia, obsession etc - but you are not the cause of it. And if you didn’t change her after all those years of begging her, bargaining with her, self-harming, isolating, defending yourself, etc, you are not going to change her now. When they say “you can only save someone who wants to be saved”, that applies here. When they say “the only person who you can control is yourself” that applies here. Please let go of this guilt that you carry for something that’s entirely out of your hands. These ideas are pertinent to creating your path to freedom.

#Abuse tw #Abusive mother #Abusive mother tw #Sh tw #Self harm tw #Self-harm tw #Emotional abuse tw

[one-abuse-survivor]

You're valid if you wanted to move to another place to start over after escaping abuse.

You're valid if you want to stay in your hometown for the safety and security of being home, even though that's where the abuse happened.

#Thank you #Forever torn by the fact that my town is also my abuser's town #Currently dealing with the constant fear of running into her in therapy #Especially since she moved even closer to me #(she doesn't know exactly where I live or at least I think so) #(but I know where she lives cos she shared it in the family group chat) #Weirdly I'm mostly calm throughout the day but then I have all these nightmares at night skflfjsj #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abuse recovery

[one-abuse-survivor]

If therapy did not help you at all, you’re valid.

If therapy made your situation worse, you’re valid.

If you have therapy trauma, you’re valid.

Therapy is often shown as this great thing, and it can be, but please don’t feel invalidated if your therapy experience wasn’t great.

[one-abuse-survivor]

He has risen.. and fallen

#Monday floofs #cat #kitten

[one-abuse-survivor]

Mama dog giving her baby huskies howling lessons

(Source)

#Monday floofs #dog #dogs #puppy #puppies

[one-abuse-survivor]

That face

#Monday floofs #dog

[one-abuse-survivor]

Biscuits are ready

#Monday floofs #cat #cats #kitten #kittens

[one-abuse-survivor]

Recovery is different for everyone. Just because someone else’s recovery journey involves certain steps doesn’t mean yours needs to involve those same steps. Recovery is unique to us and it may take time to figure out what works for you. Don’t give up.

#recovery

[one-abuse-survivor]

Self care is watching this with sound

#Monday floofs #Cat

[one-abuse-survivor]

#monday floofs #cat #dog #kitten