i am safe
i am loved
i did a good job today
look up at the ceiling. i shift in my seat. stare at the wall. bounce my leg. blink. blink harder. swallow. look up at the ceiling. this house is sturdier than me
why is it so upsetting to be safe?
why is it so upsetting to be loved?
im not sure if im doing a good job anymore
kept the tears down maybe im okay maybe im okay
im loved, im safe, therefore i must be okay
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The Suitcase and the Etch - A - Sketch
Imagine you’ve just come home from the airport. You start unpacking your bag only to find that none of its contents are yours. Upon further investigation, you realize that, although the bag is the exact same as yours, the clothes are even an exact fit and some of the clothing in it happens to be something you also own, none of it is actually yours. That is what it feels like coming out of a major dissociative episode. At least that is what it feels like for me. I’ve come home and I’m unpacking all my baggage but none of it actually feels like it belongs to me. Elements of it are similar but that just feels like coincidence. All the memories I have, although I know I have handled them and even been partially present for them, they don’t actually feel like mine. I can recognize them and recall them, I can hold space for them - but emotionally they are intangible and distant. Some of my parts may be able to relate to them, but I cannot. I wish I could say that illustration was something that only applied to the past year. It doesn’t feel like that is the case.
The rest of my life, looking back, now feels a lot more like an Etch-A-Sketch - (I don’t think a lot of people know what those are anymore. If you don’t, look it up. They are actually a lot of fun if you have any patience. If you don’t have patience, then they are hell and I do not recommend. ). It feels like, although the tiny granules of sand have always been there and belong to me, they have all been rearranged to a blank slate. All the time and effort I put into putting turning the dials to create something a certain way, that has all been shaken away and erased. The picture I created and related to for my entire life is gone. Many people say a blank slate is a positive think. And that is true in some respects, except that I’m the only one that seems the blank slate. Everyone around me still holds the memories of who I am, what I’ve been through and how I behave as if that picture still exists. When, to me, none of that feels like it is still there anymore. So even though some people may see this and say ‘hey, that’s great! this is a fresh start!’, I don’t necessarily feel that way. To me, when I combine this “blank slate” with the stranger’s suitcase that I’ve suddenly inherited, it is extremely distressing and disorienting. All my points of reference around me are the same. But I’m not. Not only that, I can’t actually relate to any of these points of reference the way I used to. What is most distressing is that the majority of my memories - good or bad - do not feel like mine. Maybe that comes from the fact that a lot of my life I have never really been present. But the tricky thing is, when I start questioning whether or not I was actually there for any specific memory, I start questioning whether or not I was actually there for any of it. What grows from there is me questioning whether or not who I am now is who I actually am at all. Maybe who I am now is another part. Maybe one day something will happen and I will snap out of this dissociative episode too. I doubt there are many things that are scarier than questioning your own sanity. But for people who dissociate, this is often something we deal with every day.
Everyone experiences D.I.D. differently, and maybe my illustrations don’t resonate with everyone who has D.I.D. But it does go a long way just to let people know that this experience, although alienating and disorienting, is something that other people experience too. For people without D.I.D., I think it is important for you to be able to understand what we deal with on a daily basis. For us, our brains cycle almost daily through what some may consider a mid-life crisis on steroids. That takes a lot. Emotionally and Physically it is exhausting.
Doe tells me not to overthink it. To just let things unfold and go with the flow. But I think what has helped me most is Sam’s take on it. His view is that it doesn’t necessarily matter whether or not I ever was who I am right now. If I like who I am and who I am becoming, then that is what matters. After everything we’ve been through, shouldn’t we have the right to choose where we go and who we become? Life isn’t about going back to who you once were. It’s about growing into who you’re meant to become. That’s the whole point of getting unstuck - to move forward, not backward. And although the whole sensation is still very dis-regulating, this philosophy seems to help the most. When you’ve spent your whole life adjusting who you are based on some horrific circumstances, and based on what others needed or wanted you to be, at some point you need to decide that you get to choose who you are going to be. I guess it is kind of like setting the whole map on fire and trusting that your compass isn’t going to fail you this time around.
IM OFFICIALLY GETTING OUT THE HOSPITAL TODAY AFTER ALMOST GOING SEPTIC AND DYING TWO SURGERIES AND BEING IN HERE FOR A MONTH 🥳🥳🥳
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Tw body goalz (I’m in recovery btw) I wish their was more body inspo that looked like this because this is honestly my goal but all body inspo I see is like super super small girls and whenever I look up thick body inspo it’s literally just women that look like they just came out of three surgery’s back to back that look like a literal hour glass and it’s so un achievable 😐
In order to finally get sober, I had to get honest. Completely honest about my station in life and how I got there. In the recovery field, this is what is known as self-honesty. A big part of it for me was; that I had to stop blaming and assigning fault to others as I reviewed my history.
When I sat down to share my 5th Step with my sponsor, I had a long list of people and institutions - who I believed had wronged me. Inside, I was burned up at the very thought of many of these. Below are a few.
My parents: They lacked understanding and compassion. They just couldn’t see how “if they had my problems, they’d get loaded too.”
My ex: She left me in the middle of the night after I came home drunk asking for the debit card, because I’d spent all of the money I had in my pocket on gambling. We had bills coming up.
The LAPD: Five officers beat me up outside a concert venue and left me with nerve damage in my hands for six months - because the handcuffs were on too tight.
My sponsor would listen and then ask, “Were you drinking at the time?” after each resentment. Being honest, I had to say yes. Then, he’d respond, “Well then, we can let them off the hook.” I was a little surprised because I was sure he would cosign at least a few of these. I was sure he’d say, “Yeah, this one, you have good reason to feel the way you do.” He didn’t do that, not even for one.
There were at least 50 items on my resentment-list.
When we got to the end, he said:
“You created this mindset in your parents. You created an obsession in their minds, and this obsession has them treating you a certain way. Had you been living right, living as an adult facing life sober, their current way of thinking about, and treating you would not even be there. It would be completely different.
‘The ex who left you...she had every right. You weren’t sober. You weren’t responsible. You were getting loaded and acting like King Baby. You made her head sick. If you were sober, the situation would have been completely different.”
“The cops who beat you up. You should have never even been in their world that night. You were drunk and belligerent. Did you ever think what you put them through that night? Scraped up knees and elbows. Dirty and torn uniforms. And then, they had to go home to their families. Did your behavior have them yelling at their spouses and kids? Did you drunken actions put additional strain on their mental health...make their job harder in the future?”
It was amazing. This was proper ownership of “my part” in how I got there. I was given a new pair of glasses, which had me seeing the truth behind the lies - lies I’d been telling myself for years about these things.
And then, he hit me with something that changed everything. He said, “We can roll this all the way back to your very first drink. That’s the one that got the ball rolling. You can let everyone since that first drink at age sixteen - off the hook. That first drink set your life in motion to have each and every encounter we’re talking about today. YOU DID THIS, by taking the very first drink. Even if you had periods of abstinence during your life, all of your direction can be seen by a shift related to the first drink. So, everyone gets a pass.”
I had been placing blame in the wrong places. It belonged 100% with myself.
In that moment, the slate was clean. My sponsor and I looked at how I might make amends to these people and institutions. I started living in freedom.
My name is Joe, and I’m a alcoholic.
For Today --
Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living. An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we seek. -- Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions, page 95
Approach each new problem not with a view of finding what you hope will be there, but to get the truth, the realities that must be grappled with. You may not like what you find. In that case you are entitled to try to change it. But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation. -- Bernard M. Baruch
God, teach me understanding; teach me to know truth when I meet it;teach me the importance of self-honesty. -- A Day at a Time
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Lucas starts a new life
written by @lizzietrashkittie
(TW: Hints to Abuse and Trauma)
Lucas stared at himself in the mirror. It was the first time in days he's been able to see his own face without any tints of purple or blue. His hazel eyes looked wrong. They weren't as dark or sad as he remembered. He stared blankly into the mirror for what felt like an hour, though it was only a few minutes before a soft knock at the door snapped his attention back to reality. "Lucas, hon? Are you okay in there?" The caring voice spoke. "Uh..Yeah." The pink haired boy opened the door to greet his roommate.. "I'm okay.." He said the words but a tint of bitterness slid in the back of his mind. "I made pancakes. They're blueberry!" The man smiled, his green eyes where safe. Lucas smiled back and followed him to the kitchen. Chris set down a hot plate of pancakes, topped with butter and jam on the table. "You're book club start at 9. Right? I can drive you on my way to work, it'd be better then walking so early in the morning." Lucas nodded meekly. Slowly digging into his meal. The soft music playing from Chris' phone distracted him from the concerning and distant feeling he got from his own face in the mirror. Chris hummed to the note of the tune and enjoyed his own plate. The breakfast was quiet..a peaceful quiet, but to Lucas it felt wrong. "..Are you mad at me?" He spoke up. Chris paused and looked at the smaller male "..No? Why would I be?" Lucas stayed looking at his plate, not even half empty. "..I don't know.." He really didn't. But he felt as though Chris should be mad. He hadn't really done anything..but his mind was certain he should be in trouble. Chris put am arm on his shoulder from across the table, startling him out of his thoughts. "Hey..Lucas, are you okay?" He didn't know if he was..He wasn't hurting. His face didn't sting. His eyes weren't watery.. Chris removed his hand "Lucas?" Lucas shook his head "Sorry..um..I'm okay..Just tired." The day was calm..quiet..Lucas' phone wasn't blowing up. There wasn't any yelling or fights. Chris let him pick the music on the way to work..he asked him what he wanted for dinner..even when Lucas stumbled on his words in his annoying normal way..Chirs just laughed it off and continued without any venom or spite. No the day was good..wasn't it? The question made it hard for Lucas to sleep that night. Staring at the reruns on the tv, the audio blurred and messed in his mind as he tried to figure it out. When he was with his parents, the days where never like this. They were filled with screaming and anger. Misgendering and degrading of his identity. To his parents he wasn't good enough, and his timid mumbles and anxiety was an embarrassment he would be shamed for. With Andrea, his ex, it was all a walk on eggshells. The smallest misplaced word or action would lead to the whole day becoming a tiring and often painful blurp. His timid talking would lead to bruises and his interest in book or music to insults and implications. He felt his eyes start to water in frustration. Chris had helped him leave Andrea, and allowed him to move in. Chris was nothing like Andrea. He wasn't like Lucas' parents. Chris seemingly wouldn't lay a hand on him..he'd never insult him in sincerity. This day was good. But it wasn't normal. Lucas knew this was good. Wasn't it? To not go through the day feeling lesser or hurt. To lay down at night and not have skin tattered with shades of blue. This was a good thing. Chris was a good thing! Yet Lucas' mind felt little peace. It screams and cried. This isn't normal. Chris should yell he should scream. He must be hiding something. He must hate him, why wouldn't he? Surely he must be planning something. Some sick joke. Some cruel punchline and all this kindness and respect is just a lead up. He could feel himself shake as tears welled. This wasn't right. He isn't supposed to feel okay. He isn't. He rushed to the bathroom, taking another look at himself in the mirror he felt himself choke. His skin was clean. His eyes were bright. This wasn't right. He let out harsh sobs and leaned against the
sink. Is this right? Having someone care for you and tend to you. Treat you as an equal and want to help you. Is this right? Why couldn't it feel right. Soft knocks on the door broke Lucas out of his thoughts, just like they had earlier in the day. Chris' voice sounded from the doorway, the door having been left open in Lucas' rushed wake. "..What's wrong?" Lucas glanced at the mirror. Chris' eyes were fixed on him. Clear worry in his features. He kept one hand on the wall he had knocked and the other was slightly raised. As if ready to touch him. Lucas felt a second rush of emotions threatening him. Without a word he spun and hugged the bigger man, tears pouring harder as he sobbed. Chris was quiet, wrapping his arms around him and allowing him the time to vent out his emotions without judgment or pause.
hi every1 <3
i think i’ve actually hit rock bottom . im failing everything, i didnt even brush my teeth before coming to school/work today
im gonna go home and take care of myself a lil: shower + make some tea for lunch. i have to weigh myself which im dreading.
i went to a bar w a girl im rooming with next year (she also has an ed and is tiny asf). she was so weird and mean tho!! ppl say its her “humor” but she really makes u feel bad.
i’m restricting hard this last month of school to prepare for summer. when im home i’ll detox from all alc + drugs to hopefully speed up the process. idc if im not my lw during the summer bc i have no friends at home
just wanna be tiny asf for my senior year. and summer will be easy bc my mom doesnt care and my boyf wont be there to make me eat. ill miss him sm tho :(
99 lbs is the ULTIMATE GOAL !!!!! rn i just gotta get back down to 107 and i’ll be happy. i think im at like 112. havent been there since 2019, fuck.
i can feel my arms becoming so large. my thighs too. i see such a huge difference and i hate even going outside where ppl can see me.
ik being in colorado w my boyfriends family contributed to weight gain ,but i cant be mad bc they were so nice and generous.
anyways - ill update later if anything significant happens (ik no one reads this but it helps me)
risingwoman ~ Instagram
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We always answer the same question “how are you?” with the same “I’m well!” Followed by the fake smile & a days worth of a fake front. What happens if I were to answer that with honesty? What would they say?
But speaking of honesty, I am going to be honest, here. Im not happy these days. Im not happy with where I am at in life. I am not happy with how people treat me, when I give them my all. Im not happy with how alone I feel. Im not happy with myself. I could probably make an entire list of hundreds of things that have left me completely dissatisfied. I have felt like I am not where Im supposed to be. Whats MY purpose?
I feel alone. Just recently, I told someone that I felt alone and they responded “But you like to be alone.” But they were right- I do like to be alone. So why is it so different this time? Why is it hard when nobody asks me how my day is? Why is it upsetting going days without a text message from anyone? Why am I so upset that nobody has time? Why don’t I have anyone to turn to when I’m down and want to just talk? In that moment, I kinda felt like maybe I had pushed the entire world away & this is what I deserve. Maybe, theres some truth to that.
I get it. This isn’t very positive, and there isn’t going to be some part where I tell you what helps you get over those feelings or that “brighter days are up ahead.” But I do hope that I can relate to someone out there. That maybe someone who feels alone and reads this knows that they are NOT alone, and that they can reach out at any time of day without judgement. Maybe someone can find peace in knowing that other people are going through the same things.
But to shed some light of positivity, I 100% know that things will look up for me, that these feelings are temporary & I will find my place and some breakthrough is around the corner. I will figure it out. I know its in my hands, and that at any point I can make any decision to change my entire life. We’ll get there.
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And she was bound only by the limit of infinite possibility.
Michael Carini, @CariniArtsPoetry on IG
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TW! Mentions of death and suicide, 18+ only please
Things have gotten 🌶️spicy🔥 bad for me again and I thought you guys might benefit from seeing my realistic list of reasons not to unalive:
1. There will be no one to water my plants :(
2. My dog won't know where I've gone
3. My best friend's laugh
4. Someone will find my vibrators 😳
5. Someone will go through my phone 😳😳😳
6. Someone will read my journal 😳😳😳😳😳😳
7. I won't be able to cuddle a puppy, kitten, or other baby animal again
8. My bullies will win and I'm motivated by pure spite to not let that happen
9. I won't be able to eat my favourite meal, pumpkin katsu curry, with my best friend ever again
10. I won't be able to see the new seasons of my favourite shows
11. I won't be able to see if Nintendo FINALLY updates villager dialogue in ACNH
12. My villagers will wonder where I've gone
13. I won't be able to play my favourite video game, BioShock Infinite, ever again
14. I won't be able to read my favourite book, The Girl with All The Gifts, ever again
15. I won't be able to see my internet friend in person
16. I will never cuddle with my cat again and she's really soft
17. I won't be able to cuddle my stuffed animals anymore
18. I won't be able to smell roses anymore
19. I won't be able to kiss someone I love again
20. I haven't gone down on my partner yet and tbh if that's not a reason to live idk what is
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Recently, I have allowed myself to be weighed down by my past. This came after a few comments made by a family member of mine. Though it shouldn’t have surprised me, it brought my attention to some old wounds that I likely had just covered up over the years. Though I am thankful that I now know about the wounds and am healing from them, I made some bad choices in the wake of it all. Things can be mended but I can’t take back the way I acted.
Keep moving forward and progressing. Healing. Put down what does not serve you and stay present with what is.
♡ a n d r a ♡
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Congrats on your sobriety and wish you the best!
Thank you kind anon 🥰🌻
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