#i think i'm mostly managing my life well but apparently i still need to work on many things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

am-i-the-asshole-official · 8 months

Note

AITA for using my moms money to buy games?

The title sounds bad, but I'm not sure how else to word it. This is also going to be a weird one as, in advance, I know the other party isn't an asshole, however I think it's a similar situation im tone and I really need some feedback on this.

I'm 22 and live with my mom and cat. I've lived with her my whole life, and continue to due to disability. My mom has 2 jobs that she mainly works on weekends, and I'm unemployed. Ever since covid it's been incredibly difficult for me to find work because it is still very much a thing despite what people want to believe, and I can't be in contact with random people physically due to immune issues and the chance of getting sick. Online jobs are apparently very hard to find (my mom has tried) and many ask for a payment beforehand. I do however get social security income that pays most of our bills/utilities, and we're also on foodstamps for groceries.

My family has never been well off. I wouldn't call us dirt poor, we've never had to go hungry, and I always had toys to play with/clothes as a kid. But my mom has had to manage funds well and we've never had a lot of money for leisure or frivolous purchases. My mom will buy herself things like some new clothes, a phone charger, roku set, etc smaller things like that when she gets her paycheck but extra expenses such as furniture have to be planned out probably weeks/months ahead of time. We also moved recently and ever since then our budget has been more difficult, the down payment really screwed with my moms expenses.

Because of our situation, I never really had games growing up. I remember we had maybe 3 big family consoles during me and my sisters whole childhood (with like 3-6 games on them each, most of which were guitar hero which my mom and sister loved to play), and I would get a new handheld for myself every few years. I never got to play the new exciting games people were always talking about, and my gaming experience has really been limited to like. Animal crossing, the sims, and cooking mama.

I played a bunch of roms as a kid so that helped, but I was always kinda sad and felt left out that I never got to experience gaming the way other people did. I really wanted to try the "classics" people talked about but didn't have any way to. People (especially as I got into my 20s and started following streamers + nintendo direct for example) would always talk about the New Thing coming out and playing it the day it dropped, all the excitement and community people had around that, but if I really wanted that kind of game, I'd have to wait a few years before getting it and trying it out, and by then no one was playing it anymore anyways.

As time went on things got a little better. Especially because of my moms new jobs, both of which she genuinely loves doing, though it's still work, we have been a bit better off. It's only been recently we started struggling more again.

Recently I've been kind of asking for things from my mom. Mostly it's steam games. I found I've gotten much more into gaming as a hobby as I've gotten older, and I have a long wishlist of games that I really want to get into, but of course have no money to myself. I should also clarify that NONE of these are those big triple A $60 titles, as I still can't ever justify paying something so expensive for one game. So sometimes lately I've been asking my mom "hey, can I get this/these games?" And use her money/card to purchase them. I don't do it constantly, or even super often, but I feel like it's becoming more often and it makes me feel really guilty.

I have done this before, around high school I started asking my mom for certain things I wanted around the house, and usually she had no problem buying them for me. This also wasn't large stuff, nothing ever over $30 and usually only up to $20. But when I'd find something I *really* wanted, especially if it was a time limited thing like merch drops from a favorite content creator, often yarn for my knitting or art supplies I wanted to try, I would ask her.

I've pretty much always felt guilty about this. I would ask for something despite my better judgement, and for the most part my mom would say yes, and that it was okay, whereas I was the one apologizing and asking if it was "really alright". She has told me she has no issues buying things for me as long as I ask her. She says the social security I get is "technichally my money", and that she wants me to be able to use it. (Obviously we don't use the actual ssi to buy random shit, but her giving me spending money is the next best thing).

Every time I've asked my mom for something like this, I've told myself that it would be the last time, that I would get my own job and own money and not mooch on my mom anymore, but both with the stress of chronic illness and depression I never seem to get around to it. I try to do dishes and keep my room clean, take care of the cat etc as ways I can help without working, but for some reason the money really weighs on me. I know that it's really my fault, I haven't even been looking for jobs and I could always take art commissions again, but somehow a mental block always stops me.

I feel like I have a bit of an impulsivity problem when it comes to spending. The money I got from my one summer job and commissions would never last long, and honestly I couldn't even tell you what I spent it on for the weeks I had it. I have issues taking money from people, but when I realized that I may not have had the stuff I wanted as a kid simply because I never asked for/communicated that I wanted it, it made me more bold to actually ask my mom for things.

I never pester my mother about this. I'll ask once and if she says no I'll be dissapointed but won't continue. Sometimes she says that we don't have the money for it then, or that I'll have to wait until xyz thing is paid for, which is always fine. I also have *never* bought anything with her money without asking first. I get pretty much all the steam games I buy on sale (usually that's what prompts me to ask about them, actually) as personally I can't justify getting games for their asking price for the experience I'm going to get.

I feel bad as I feel like I'm wasting our money, mooching off my mom and not putting in the work to have spending money myself. I also worry that sometimes when she says it's fine, it's untrue and she's really just trying to make me feel better. I also sometimes don't play the games as soon as I get them, I have a sizeable backlog of games I have gotten but haven't "got around" to playing as I was excited to get them at a low price at the time, but then haven't felt like I'm in the right mood. This also makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm not being appreciative enough of her buying for me.

So am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

132 notes · View notes

lulu2992 · 11 months

Note

I've been doing an introspective RP with a friend and I've become very attached to Deputy Hudson. It feels like the game doesn't actually give us much info about her, since you have to dig through files and triggering her dialogue naturally is somewhat difficult.

Said friend recalls hearing a piece of dialogue somewhere suggesting or flat-out stating that John didn't actually "do much" to torture her. That she was even allowed to walk the halls of the gate and that her fear/isolation were what took the biggest toll. That John did torture her violently at least once, (the audio of which was turned into a sermon that you can hear at outposts), but other than that he mostly stuck to threats.

I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this? If you've heard the files or had any ideas about the methods of torture used. Just trying to paint a picture, since she and Staci deserve more justice than what they got.

We indeed don’t know a lot about Joey Hudson… Apparently, she and Pratt were originally supposed to be Guns for Hire, which probably explains why they have more combat lines than they need. However, I don’t remember anyone in the game saying that she was (relatively) well-treated or free in John’s Gate.

While she’s in the bunker, the Resistance and civilians are worried and hope she will be rescued soon. They say that she’s tough, but they think it’s not necessarily a good thing because “John loves a challenge”. As for cultists, one comments that Hudson is one of John’s “special projects” and another that he spends a lot of time with her. I suppose it’s because she was stubborn and therefore hard to break, so she required more “work”, but also because, as the Junior Deputy’s partner, she was bait. If they didn’t want to come for him, John hoped they’d at least want to come for her.

I believe she did receive “special treatment”, in a way, but that mostly included being broadcasted across the entire valley either looking in danger or screaming in pain so her colleague would want to save her. John often threatened to hurt her in retaliation, but in the end, I don’t know if she was tortured significantly more than the other captives. That’s clearly what he wanted the Deputy to believe, though.

I looked through oasisstrings and found what Hudson says about her time in John’s Gate:

That hell hole of a bunker -- I was trapped in it but my mind was somewhere else. I sorta just went through the motions, gliding along… Like you would in a nightmare. It never ended. I can't remember all of it… Just flashes… I begged people for help, but they just… smiled. I've never been around that many Peggies in one place, and every single one of them just smiling.

When you escaped the bunker… John didn't say it… but you could see it in his face. Failure. Things got worse from there… Like he was trying to make up for something. Prove to his brother he could… I never thought I'd make it out of there.

This is all surreal to me – being alive I mean. When I was in that bunker, all I could think about was the ways I would die. Think about who I was leaving behind. How every moment in my life came together and drove me to this point – this… end… You prepare yourself to die, because everything is telling you you're about to… But I'm not, and I just feel… numb.

She doesn’t talk about being able to walk freely in the bunker, so I’m not sure she (or any other hostage, for that matter) was allowed to do it. In comparison, it seems Pratt had more freedom, in the sense that he could walk around a bit in St. Francis and wasn’t always in a cage. That said, his mind, like the Marshal’s, wasn’t free at all…

As for what exactly John does to people, it’s unclear because the game doesn’t really give details, and neither do the people who had to Confess or say “yes” to him. What’s certain is that they still seem affected by what happened, ashamed of what he managed to make them say (even Jerome), and that most of them don’t want to talk about it.

In the Confession room, there’s a blowtorch…

…but how (or if) it was used, we don’t know. And it appears his toolbox only contains a screwdriver, a tattoo gun, and a stapler.

According to Sharky, John “knows all these pressure points and can make you feel pain beyond anything you ever imagined”. Another NPC, who Confessed, says he “messes with your head, asks you questions, makes you say shit you don’t wanna be saying”, but then refuses to elaborate. John knows how to hurt people physically, but it seems he doesn’t always need to do it. Sometimes, as we saw when he made Nick say “yes”, a few well-chosen words are just as effective, if not more.

Narratively speaking, I think it was a good idea not to tell us what John does or says to make people comply so easily. That, plus the fact that those who Confessed are too uncomfortable to talk about their experience, makes him an impactful villain. Players can only guess what his methods are and, given the circumstances, tend to imagine the worst. How exactly he tortures people, physically or psychologically, is a mystery, and that makes him look more threatening.

61 notes · View notes

lemmilemura · 3 months

Text

LoveSucks part 3!!!!!! ARE YOU READY??????? I SAID ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Based on the show All kept gender-neutral, 'girly' used once or twice

I hadn't gone to school for a few days, but we also had a week off, so I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't really talk to Janae, Maeve or Simon either, eventhough I knew that was stupid and I really wanted to talk, but I knew I'd just break down the second I say a word.

I never told my parents. Why would I? They wouldn't even really care anyway. Whenever anyone would come to my place, I'd just ignore the doorbell and pretend I was sleeping, even if I was right behind the door, passing by. I knew it wasn't good for me, but at this point I had gotten used to it. Better this than suffering through awkward silences woth Simon.

The only place I went that wasn't home was the beach. I loved it. Just sitting in the sand, nobody else around me, middle of the night. The only sound was the waves, and they calmed me down. I know it sounds stupid, that's why I don't tell anyone. I was truly and wholly miserable. But my friends didn't know. So it couldn't hurt them.

Every night I was at the beach. Not too far away from my car, but still close to the water. Every now and then if a wave was closer, it'd lightly touch my feet. I let my mind to go wherever it wished, but of course it was mostly Janae, Maeve, and of course Simon. Fucking Simon. He never left my mind, even when I was doing things that had absolutely nothing to do with him. He even appeared in my dreams most nights. I hated it. Well, only somewhat. I missed the three of them immensly, so seeing them in my dreams was the most I could at all.

The rushing of the waves hid the sound of another car approaching, I only heard it when it got close. I turned and saw a few boys from school. I tried to just ignore them, but then they noticed me and started coming closer. I immediately stood up and speed-walked to my car. "Where ya goin pretty lady?" One of the called. I walked faster. "Yeah, why don't cha hang out with us?" Another asked.

Just a bit more, c'mon. Because of the sand I wasn't able to walk as fast as I wanted to, but somehow they seemed to be perfectly fine. "We promise we're nice! C'mon, girly!" They tried again. I looked back to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything, then tried to get my keys out of my pocket. But, as always when you're stressed and need to find something quick, it disappears completely and falls every five seconds.

I managed to find the keys pretty quickly, opened the door and got in, but as I was about to close it, one of the guys put his body inbetween me and the door, forcefully keeping it open. "Heyyy, where do you think you're going?" Another then stepped next to him. "Wait a minute, you hang out with Kelleher, right?" "Yeeeeah, now that 'cha say it. What're you doin' all alone here? Finally realized that he's a total freak?" "I'm sure we're much better company that him. So whaddaya say you get out your car and come join us?"

I didn't say anything, saying anything in my, or even worse Simon's defence, would just make this whole ordeal even worse. I turned away and instead worked on getting my car started up. Hopefully if I just drive I can get far enough away and then close the door. I got my key in and the engine started revving to life.

"Hey now..." one guy reached inside to grab my steeringwheel, but just as I turned to face him he got punched in the face. It shook all of us, because it was dark I couldn't really see who punched him, but I was pretty sure it wasn't one of the guys who were trying to get to me. Finally, my car started up, but I couldn't move.

"What the fuck!?" The guy's nose was bleeding from the punch. His friends helped him up then got ready to fight this random dude who was currently my hero. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" One of them asked. "Apparently a total freak" he finally spoke, and I recognized his voice. "Simon what the fuck are you doing?" I whisper yelled, grabbing his arm. "Fucking Kelleher. I'll fucking kill you" the guy he punched started swinging.

I quickly stalled the engine again and pulled out my key, I didn't want any of them driving away in my car, before getting out and doing my best to get to Simon to save him from almost certain death. They sadly already got a couple hits in, but I managed to pull him away and get him in my car. The guys started screaming again, but my brain sort of tuned them out. This time my car was nicer and got started sooner, I backed out of my parking space and drove away, them still screaming after us.

I had never driven that fast in my entire life, I didn't even really care if I'd get a ticket, at this point all I cared about was getting home. As if he'd gotten stabbed or was close to death, while all he had was just a few scrapes. I pulled into my driveway and made the garage door open, then got Simon out. We didn't say anything as I sat him down on the couch in my garage and went to go get our first-aid kit. He just sat there, disheveled, looking around the room. Even when I returned and started assessing the damage we didn't talk.

"You're a fucking idiot." I said. "You were the one at the beach in the middle of the night. Alone." He responded. "Why were you even there? You stalking me or something?" I had to force myself to focus on anything besides the weird feeling in my stomach. "I went to yours but your parents told me you were with Janae. So I called her, and she told me you weren't. I just went to the first place that came to mind."

And then he looked up at me.

How was I supposed to concentrate and get over him if he was looking up at me like a lost, abandoned puppy? Plus our faces were really close, only a few inches apart, so that wasn't helping. I immediately felt a blush coming on, so I turned back to the first aid kit and pretended to be looking for something.

"Should I not have?" He asked. "No, you're fine." I responded. I took a breath and then turned back to face him. "Thank you. Thank you for saving me Simon." I smiled at him. "Heh. Getting beat up was definitely worth it. Don't know what I would have done if they'd done something to you."

The atmosphere finally got too tense, and I decided to just suck it up and started talking. "I'm... sorry for what happened. I just kinda... burst. Just wasn't thinking right I guess." I explained, plopping down next to him. "Well, I still like you." He said, looking to me. "Do you still like me?" He asked, once again giving me a giant puppy face. That fucking face.

"How can I not when you look like a kicked puppy?" I joked, which made him chuckle too. "Seriously though. Did I fuck up?" He asked. "Of course you didn't. I was just... too overwhelmed with shit and overreacted. You're fine, really." I explained. If I could, I would go back in time and not say those things, a lot would be solved and he also wouldn't have gotten beaten up.

"That's good..." We once again sat in silence. I decided to get up and put the first-aid kit away. "So uhm... what were you and Janae listening to that one time you two had a party?" "Wait how do you know about that?" He laughed. "I wanted to come by but saw you two were 'busy'" he said with air-quotes. "So I left" Of course he had to see that. Great.

"It's, well, a playlist we made a while ago." I pulled out my phone and connected it to my speakers. Might as well. "Really? Janae listens to Katy Perry?" He asked. "Kinda? Listen, no matter how you feel about her, Hot N' Cold is amazing." I decided to put it on shuffle, but of course the first song to play was HONEY.

"Okay so we're still friends, but... what about more? Last time we both kinda... blurted it out didn't we?" He said. Shit. That's right. In our overwhelmed-ness we both sort of confessed to eachother. That did happen. "That we did do." I sat back down, this time facing him. "So? What are we? Because I still want to be with you." "I honestly feel like I don't deserve you given how I acted last time."

"Why do you think that?" He asked. "Oh c'mon! I literally flew off the handle at you! I barely let you speak..." I just wanted to disappear that moment, to not have this conversation, but I also knew it needed to happen. "Nonsense! I totally get where you were coming from. But you also can't only blame me for showing up here, it was Janae and Maeve who convinced me."

"They knew??" I could not believe it. My best friend, to whom I had been lamenting my unrequited feelings to knew all that time he felt the same? How could she. The betrayal. "Did you never notice I didn't have any of your notes? I didn't go to school either that day, I just came because I wanted to see you. They convinced me to do it." Janae was definitely getting a phone call later.

"Never thought you would skip school." I joked. "I wasn't skipping. I felt like shit. Not that it mattered, I changed my attendance so it's fine. Changed yours too by the way." "You know you didn't have to do that." I said. "There's a lot of things I don't have to do but still do because, and get this," he leaned closer "I want to" he whispered.

For a moment we stayed like that, faces so close, just looking at eachother. "Just like this." He said, then grabbed my face and kissed me. It happened so fast I couldn't even blink. He just grabbed me, pulled me in, and let me go just as fast. I just stared, obviously flushed, in disbelief. "I still love you." He said. "Do you still love me?" Just as fast, I threw all cautioun out the window and kissed him again, this time actually participaring.

To think that the moment I had waited for so long was finally there was surreal, the feeling completely foreign, but oh so welcome. "I'll take that as a yes" he managed to say between kisses, then pushed me so I was laying down on the couch.

Janae would get that call tomorrow.

#simon kelleher #oouil #one of us is lying #oneshot #oouil tv show

7 notes · View notes

nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx · 4 months

Text

Anddd time for Helpless part 4 peeps

Will was headed back to the infirmary until he saw a very stuck Leo laying under what looked like 3 tonnes of metal, Will could barely lift it but managed to life it up enough for Leo to get out. Thankfully he was extremely scrawny so that didn't require much lifting,

"Leo I just have one question, why were you laying under sheets of metal? Also infirmary, now. I very much doubt that you don't have a single broken bone after having something tripple your weight laying on top of you." Will asked mildly concerned yet laughing.

"Well I was carrying metal sheets to the forest on Festus so I could make a guard around everyone else when Jason and Percy fight because while it is fun to watch people also do not like getting drenched apparently. Who would have thought? But turns out duct tape was not the answer this time and a few of them fell on me." Leo explained as they walked to the infirmary.

"Duct tape has let you down, I hope you can recover from this sense of betrayal Leo."

"I don't know man I just didn't think I would ever be betrayed so deeply." They both burst out into laughter as they reach the infirmary. They walk into a room

"I'm going to take a guess and say your leg isn't broken considering you walked here but still is there any pain?" Will asked him,

"Just a bit in my arms but like that's it mate, I think I'm fine."

Will feels the bones on Leo's arm's checking for any broken bones.

"Well your definition of fine is quite different to mine considering you've broken your left wrist, and your right arm is fractured in two places." Leo cracked a smile, like he didn't feel any pain.

Will hands him some ambrosia,

"Leo, you know how you managed to make an immortal girl to like you? Specifically one that hated you?"

"If you want romantic advice you have come to the wrong person, I'll try to help but like I have no clue how I got Calypso. I think she liked me more when I stopped talking to her and I don't think that normally has the same effect on most people. "

"You're the only person I know who has managed to make someone go from hating you to loving you so I'm gonna take my chances."

"Sure mate I'll try," Leo laughed as he pulled something out of his pocket and started mindlessly fiddling.

"Well, I need to make Nico di Angelo stop hating me."

"You're gay? Was I meant to know this information pre-hand because you are acting like you have told me this before." Leo asked, looking slightly confused.

"I'm bi, it was probably before you came to camp when I came out, but basically the whole camp knows." Will said, for better or worse he thought but didn't tell Leo that.

"Yeah probably, now I'm giving you a heads up before you continue. If Nico hated you, you would be dead by now so you already have that section cleared." Leo said grinning.

"Well how exactly do I change from kind of not hating to hopelessly in love with me?"

"Mate I'm barley passed the I will kill you on the spot stage, but I guess show him you care. Jason said that's what he did and I think it worked out pretty well for him."

"Thanks mate, if you want you can leave the infirmary but no life risking events or anything that requires your hands for 24 hours."

"I'll try but no promises mate," Leo said laughing as he walked out."I'll catch you at campfire, yeah?"

"I'll see you there Valdez." Will nodded as Leo walked out the door likely getting himself severely injured, Will knew that he would probably get himself hurt again, Leo was like a magnetic for injuries.

***

The Ghost King finally stands up and splashes his face with some cold water as he started to clean up, no one needed to know. He would be fine, it'll go away soon enough. Every single time he had eaten since being in that jar he had thrown up, his eating had never been very stable but ever since the jar it had gotten a lot worse. When he was on the Argo II he had mostly gotten away with not eating but now with Will Solace watching over him like a hawk he would actually have to eat, Nico hoped he wouldn't realise but he probably would soon enough. Still there was no reason for him to find out any earlier than that, maybe if he got lucky it would fix itself and no one would know but Nico had learnt to not test his luck as it could always get worse. He had left the table as soon as he could and hoped that Hazel wouldn't come back to the cabin too soon.

***

"Good match Jace," Percy sighed, struggling to catch his breath after their fight. They did this a lot to fill in boring parts of the day, or to put on a show. It was also a great way to get your mind off of the last few years when you are nearly killing your friends for fun, the healers had given them many lectures about electrocuting and drowning each other many times but hey they weren't dead yet so they must be doing something right.

"Back at you bro." Jason said putting his shirt back on, "Percy I just realised. We don't have a ship name for Will and Nico, wait Will is bi right? I think I overheard someone talking about it before we went to New Rome."

"Yeah, Annabeth told me that he came out to the whole camp a few days before you, Leo and Pipes came. Now ship names....Wilco?

"Bro that's a terrible ship name, come on we can do better mate."

They both thought for a solid 10 minutes until Jason faceplamed and said,

"Bro, Solangelo, it's so simple yet so perfect."

"Did it really just take us that long to think of that?"

"We've lost our touch bro."

The two boys were laughing as they walked back out of the forest to join the rest of the camp for campfire.

***

______

Tbh don't know how I feel abt this part, I feel like nothing that important happens.

12 notes · View notes

jacobscustos · 2 years

Text

the quarry but every character has a different role

jacob is now in max's shoes. distressed dogboy that loves naught but his gf and also processed snack foods. this sad little woof woof finding a crop top and yoga pants and being like "oh hell yeah i can make this work" only to get murked by kaylee hackett on the other side of the island

emma is now in laura's position. she broke up with jacob the day before they managed to escape chris hackett's Jail for Dogs & Ne'er-Do-Wells and now she feels like she needs to alleviate his curse bc he's been pretty bummed out since. vlogging her entire trip to the hackett house with the expressed intent to murder a man

ryan is in abi's role. the suave announcements boy has been on his mind this entire time and the day that they both finally tell each other that they like each other, he gets infected with Says Really Mean Things And Attempts Homicide On You And Also Is A Werewolf disease. he's abt to start biting ppl fr

dylan is in a similar situation to nick. not only did abi just kiss him for no real reason at the firepit but finally when he tells the guy he's liked all summer that he likes him, he gets attacked by a fucking bear??? homophobia still has some shooters out there apparently! also he's saying rude things he doesn't mean and it hurts :(

abi is now filling emma's role. she and the cute australian guy have been flirting all summer but she seriously misfires bc she assumes that making him jealous would be what made him want to make things official. plus now she's wearing baggy-ass clothes and running from murderous animals(?) so things have been tough lately

nick is currently in jacob's situation. he planned on making tonight the night he asked abi to go steady, but completely forgot that this was the day they left camp, so he oopsie poopsies the van. whoops nick you did a fucky wucky and now people are dying! also he had to watch abi kiss a very vehemently gay man to make him jealous and also he's naked. bad night overall buddy

laura is in kaitlyn's shoes. she's literally the only person here with an okay response to trauma, although a bit skewed since she does also tend to shoot at the problem first. the bright side is that she gets to be with her boyfriend for most of the entire night, so that's neat! (and come on of course she would get after max for not knowing the hackett's quarry song)

max is now in dylan's role. he's mostly just scared shitless of kaitlyn so the speech over the intercom is part fear of the bears(?) and part fear that kaitlyn will stab him if he gets the terminology wrong. ready to lay down his life to protect his gf, even if he's abt to turn into a werewolf. he's gonna react even more severely to getting maced (febreezed) by abi though, although he can act. give the boy a hand (srsly he needs it)

kaitlyn stands where ryan stood in canon. she's so confused when abi gives her the dare to kiss either max or laura but honestly she thinks they're both cute so. when emma shows up she's like "wait where's jacob?" and emma's like "about that" and kaitlyn's like "ok so i'm going to go save my bestie and i want it known that i'm not a fan of u but i also do think you're gorgeous"

bobby now owns and runs hackett's quarry. after his duty was up, he came back and started the camp and has adored being a mentor to kids since. no one at camp ever saw him angry before the incident with the van and they're all literally terrified of him now

chris is the sheriff of northkill. he got appointed sheriff after the death of the previous sheriff in the fire at eliza's sideshow, and has taken the position very seriously, in exchange for keeping eliza and silas's secret (the whole werewolf thing), which is why he keeps jacob and emma over the summer

travis is constance and eliza's handyman. he's felt the need to be worthy of approval since birth, and has taken up to doing the dirty work for his mom as a way of proving himself. he's fully aware that being stabbed hurts and will do it again unprovoked

constance goes out hunting with travis. she fills the same role her husband did in canon. emma reminds her what happened to her husband and she threatens to torture her endlessly. also there's smth going on with eliza but idk they're gal pals

eliza fills the same role as constance did in canon. after the fire that burned down her sideshow and killed jedediah, constance offered to let her and her son silas stay with them. after emma kills silas during the night, she becomes silent with rage

kaylee is now the biggest threat of the hackett werewolves. she's filling in for her brother caleb. freeze-dried girlboss

silas is floating in the pool now. rip dogboy. also he was the one that convinced kaylee to start the fire. manipulative little shit

caleb is patient zero. after helping to rescue silas and eliza from the sideshow, caleb notices a bite on his leg. while running from the flames, the "dog man" (eliza's ex-husband) bit him. the dog man died in the fire, but the curse lived on, as caleb left his grandfather to die in the chaos

jedediah's taken up tarot since dying. he cursed his bloodline after seeing caleb and kaylee among the flames, refusing to save him, opting instead to save an albino boy and a woman that he barely knew. he's now trying to convince whoever is listening to off the vorez family, even at the cost of his own family. plus lance hendriksen would fucking slay this role i mean come on

89 notes · View notes

therivergirl · 2 years

Text

Eda makes an off-handed joke about her arm, but Raine is not always comfortable with her darker sense of humour. They talk it out. Fluff ensues.

----

We need fluff after the King's tide.

So yeah, here everyone is fine and happy, Luz can travel between realms.

----

Full text:

Eda stopped her cart in front of the Owl House and looked at the pile of bags and boxes on it she brought from the market. Luz, King and a few of their friends were on a field trip with Lilith. And they were all arriving in the evening. Along with Camila and Vee who were coming for what was now becoming a traditional weekly dinner. And, as always, she expected more people to appear, because that's how it went these days. So, she got a plethora of food. Should she make it multiple trips?

There were days when she just couldn't be bothered to put her prosthetic on, and this was one of those days. However, sometimes it slipped her mind that missing an arm could affect her life in semi-unexpected ways.

And right now, she was facing the fact that carrying a whole bunch of boxes with one arm was much harder than it used to be with two.

Were these two or even three trips worth of stuff? She groaned at the idea of multiple trips from the kitchen to the entrance.

"Nah, I can make it in one trip!" she said confidently. She was more than aware that it was just pettiness, that strange type of laziness that resulted in you making your own life harder instead of easier the moment she hooked all the bags on her arm and piled on the boxes.

But, she was determined to make it work and too proud to admit defeat. She was Eda the Owl Lady, she could face beasts, coven heads, fanatic rulers and all-powerful child gods, what was one pile of boxes?

Well, apparently, it was a pain in her butt as she almost dropped it all while trying to open the door. Hooty was asleep. He was doing something the whole night and Eda was both too scared and respectful of his privacy (but mostly scared) to ask what.

As she somehow managed to open the door and hooked it with her leg, trying to get it to fully open, Hooty woke.

"Need a hand?" he asked sleepily. She knew he didn't mean it as a pun, he was too sleepy for it. But boy, considering she was in her current predicament only because her new hand was currently lying at the bottom of her nest it was it hard not to hear it.

She noticed Raine passing by in the living room.

"Nah, don't worry Hooty! Raine should give me a hand, I mean they yanked it away back in the day, it's only fair!" she snorted, catching Raine's attention, "Hey, Rainstorm!" she greeted.

But, instead of laughing back, Raine's demeanour soured, "Yeah, I guess it is only fair," they said, picking up all of the boxes, leaving her with only boxes to carry.

Oh crap.

Oh crap, she was an idiot!

"Hoot!" Owlbert screeched into her ear.

"Oh-oh!" Hooty chimed in.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm an insensitive bitch!" she groused. Apparently, the arm was still a sour topic on certain days.

"Raine," she entered the kitchen, setting the bags on the counter. "You know I'm joking right."

"I don't like when you joke like that, Eda," they said, "like it doesn't matter."

"I'm sorry," she said, approaching them, "I wasn't thinking.".

"No, you weren't," they said, but their voice was soft, there was no real ire in it.

"But I want to reiterate, I don't hold a grudge," she said.

"Well, you should! I'm the reason you lost a limb, Eda! Your life was turned upside-down and-"

"Hey, my life is great, thank you very much! Firstly, I'm actually alive! You're the reason I'm alive, you saved my life that day, quite stupidly risking your own in the process!"

"I should've never even gone with that plan!" they spat, "I still curse myself every day for it! If we didn't go through with it then, then-

"Raine Whispers!" she said firmly and they looked at her, "May I remind you that we went with that plan. I did that willingly. I risked my life, you risked yours. You wanted to protect me, well, I wanted to protect you. And my kids. And my sister. And every other person on these bloody isles! Ok?"

Rain smiled softly and nodded. Titan, they loved her. They made a step closer, resting their head against her chest and she pulled them into a one-armed hug.

"Look, I won't say there aren't days when this," she lifted her stump, "is inconveniencing. But I still like living! Titan, that sounds cheezy, but it's true. I've got you, and King and Luz, and her ever-growing horde of friends and Lilith and Hooty and everyone. And I can still fly and turn into an awesome harpy form. And I wouldn't have any of that if it weren't for you and your stupid self-sacrificing heart," she kissed the top of their head, "ok?"

"Ok. I'm sorry too,” they said, “I’m not trying to tell you how to cope or how to joke about your own missing arm. If you’re over it, I should be too but-

"You aren't," she said, cupping their face, "that's fair. If the roles were reversed, I probably would've done the same and be messed up now myself about it."

"Of course, I'm messed up about it, I hurt you!" they pulled away from the hug slightly.

"Hey, none of that. I know that in any other circumstance, you wouldn’t touch even a feather on my wing," she said, looking them directly in the eyes, "you saved me. You made a decision that could not have been easy to make.”

“That is the problem,” Raine said, taking her hand between theirs, running their fingers over the back of her hand, “It was easy. I didn’t like it, but it was easy. But just because the decision was easy, it does not mean it was an easy thing to do. I don’t feel guilty about taking your arm to save your life. I feel guilty because you were there in the first place.”

“I know that. And I’m glad you made that decision. And I don’t regret any of mine, ok? And I won’t have you feel guilty or beat yourself up over it, ok? I'll keep repeating that until it gets thought that thick bardic skull of yours. I'll get Hooty to sing it to you,"

This got a chuckle out of them, "you wouldn't..."

"Oh, I would. You know I would. Let me ask what you were thinking at that moment?" she said. To someone, it may sound counterproductive, to keep picking at the wound, but she knew it would work.

The way they looked at her, their smile filled with so much love and admiration was enough to make her melt, "That I couldn't watch you die, that I needed you safe, especially since I had a promise to keep, no matter what.”

"And you did just that, Rainstorm." she lifted their chin and pulled them in for a kiss. "I'm alive because of you. Because of the witch I love.”

"And I love you," they said, "and I'll sort all these messy feelings one day."

“As long as you need. I know all about messy feelings,” she chuckled bitterly, “Don’t have too many about this though, arm or life, I choose life. Besides, this way I’m a wild witch again. And one with a pretty awesome prosthetic that I’m just too lazy to put on on certain days,” she snorted, “really should though, that thing makes me look badass."

“You always look badass,” Raine blushed, “Though, I must ask. While I get that you’re comfortable without it, I’m glad actually, why go to the market without it?”

“Because I was never known for good decisions, and you know that!” she laughed, “I was just too fucking lazy to bother with thinking about things practically it this morning!”

"Eda, language!"

"Hey, what are you, my mother? Kids are not around, I can curse! Unless your ears are too sensitive for it!”

Raine shook their head fondly, “Force of habit, I guess,” they joked. The house was always so filled with kids that warning Eda, and often Darius when he would come around, practically became a tick of theirs.

"Now come on, Rainstorm, while we have human realm visitors today and this dinner had to be perfect,” she said, looking at the clock "it’s also 11 AM and the dinner is at 6. We got some time.” she walked slowly to the living room, still keeping them in an embrace.

“For what?”

“I don’t know,” she pulled them closer, “a nap? A cuddle? Hooty is here so nothing more than a cuddle…”

“Eda, I should restock my books, and-Whoa!” they gasped as she threw herself on the sofa, pulling them with her.

She let them go, “Ok, go restock books, I won’t keep you trapped!”

They frowned, “You know full well I’m not able to say no to this right now, you temptress!”

“Mmmhm, guilty as charged! I tempted you into taking a break and cuddling on a sofa…”

“You’re the worst” they turned around and kissed her on the cheek. “Mind if I read?”

“Nope. Mind if I do this?” she asked, wrapping her arm and her stump around them, keeping them as close as possible and resting her head on top of theirs.

“You know I don’t,” they said, summoning their violin and only playing a few notes, making a book float from the bookshelf and two cups of tea from the kitchen.

With the book, they relaxed, leaning against Eda, who contently closed her eyes, just enjoying their presence.

It was domestic bliss she never thought she would have, let alone want. But now, with the bard she loved in her arms, well, arm, knowing that the kids are coming home after their field trip with Lilith, she would not change it for anything in the world.

#eda clawthorne #the owl house #raine whispers #raeda #fluff #minor angst #fanfiction

19 notes · View notes

linaket · 1 year

Text

February wins, March Writing Goals

So yeah, I missed my weekly update, but I knew I wanted to do something for my goals for March.

The end of February has been a bit rough for me. I started some construction in my house, and it's made me realize that I cannot sit and write much if there's someone nearby. I simply can't concentrate. So that's thrown a bit of a wrench in the plans I had.

Still, I'm excited to say that I made some progress on Tinder Saint in February, even if it wasn't as much as I wanted. I hit the 20k mark which is a kind of magic number to me because it feels like the thing I am writing is... an actual solid thing at that point.

I also made this writeblr in the last month, and I'm very happy that I did. I've already made a few new writer friends, and what more could I ask for? However, I do wish I had thought through the blog names a bit more. I'm likely going to rename this writeblr and my main so that they make more sense together. I wish I could just flip which of my accounts is my main, but that's apparently not a thing that one can do on tumblr. I've got about 12 years worth of "inspiration" things on @oh-sisyphus and I like to keep it highly curated, because often I like to scroll through it with my brain on low, and there's absolutely no way a tagging system would be something that I could suddenly integrate on over eight thousand posts and I can't even begin to figure out what it would look like so. Here we are.

I do want to try and make some goals for March, mainly because I actually do really well when I have solid, manageable goals to tackle.

March 2023:

reach 30k on Tinder Saint. It's a low number, I know, but I've got quite a bit of life stuff swirling around including a huge editing job I need to start, as well as things happening in my "day job" and my house. I don't want to feel too much pressure on reaching something that would be harder to attain because I will likely shut down and not do anything. So. Another 10k in a month. That's doable.

organize tumblr things. I did take time before "officially" launching my writeblr to get a theme that I (mostly) liked and thought would work, but y'know how it is when you don't really know what you need until you start using a thing? I still need to put together a WIP intro/page for Shadow's Prey, which is my primary project and the series that Tinder Saint is actually a part of, as well as maybe think about what tags I want to use and possibly make a list at least for myself so I can be consistent with them.

read / comment more on others' work, and also participate more in the writeblr community. I want to get to know more writers and their works, and send more asks! I love when I get them, so I'd like to make someone else's day, too, if I can.

Honestly? That might be all I can manage this month. I think they are good goals, though, and I hope I can say at the end of the month that I've got them all checked off.

#writeblr #monthly goals #goals #lina speaks

4 notes · View notes

kuuyandere · 1 year

Note

"In my case, I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and help others to the point of neglecting my own wants, needs, and boundaries"

Maybe since I'm not this way naturally, I'm exactly opposite of it, so I find this whole 'giving' thing working for me. But you're like this so I assume this might not be the way for you, Infact it might drain u even more.

I hope you reach that state of mind which you're hoping for. Also, instead of wanting to ditch the quality entirely, you could try to just control it, like divert it to some place better?

Also, i can relate w the draining part to some extent, I think😅 what I did was.. Cut off all those 'draining' friends n activities that only took from me. I must've spoke n written many huge essays/paras to help ppl (perfectly acc to their problems) n despite that, they still repeated crying over the same things so mostly I was just repeating the same stuff again n again.. Ugh.. N when I went to them for smth, since they're not like this, I obv didn't get my kind of response to stuff, which frustrated me at first, but then I learnt to control my expectations. Maybe mostly ppl just need an ear. Even i sometimes. It's ok. Anyway, now I tend to avoid such ppl who can bring this in me. Like I think abt how u be replying to all our hefty msgs! I'd never be able to do this! Seriously, claps to you! Also if your darling was my friend, I think I'd help her a lot at first w her decisions in whatever ways I could, but since I'm not attracted to her, I'd stop at one point, the moment I realise she's only gonna drain me. No offence but she does sound sorta draining from ur descriptions. Like how she's coming to u w her problems! I'm not so open so I don't understand this abt her. She reminds me of some ppl in my life who were such a headache once.

True, I don’t plan on having a bastardisation arc and stop caring about anyone else but myself. I just need to better moderate and communicate my wants/needs with other people’s.

I feel that, I find that many people want to vent their problems rather than solve them, so they want emotional reassurance and support instead of advice and harsh truths. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I get how it can be frustrating to see people repeat the same mistakes and not really try to improve their situation, as well as draining to only serve as some’s emotional punching bag. It’s good that you know how to distance yourself when it gets too much! It sounds like you tend to be more problem-solving oriented when it comes to giving and wanting support from others. I am similar when it comes to giving (often unsolicited) advice, so I try to ask exactly what the other person wants from me: emotional support, specific advice, or just someone to listen.

I genuinely enjoy responding to asks and reading messages! Sometimes my response time gets sporadic because I have a low social battery and a hectic schedule, but I manage!

It can be a little tough with my darling mainly because it can be emotionally heavy, but I do care about her wellbeing and there are certain things she isn’t comfortable with going to anyone else to. She doesn’t want to scare off her relatively recent boyfriend with her mental health issues and already feels like a burden, so I am glad she is able to go to somebody instead of just suffering alone. I don’t help just because I love her, I just don’t want her to get hurt or die and apparently her options are limited. But we did have conversations about how it’s not sustainable for her to rely on me for that kind of thing (I am not always available!) and that there are other people she can trust.

#your yandere #aidoneus asks

2 notes · View notes

diabla616 · 2 years

Text

Fic writer ask

Thank you @loki-is-my-kink-awakening for tagging me 💕

Procrastinating writing my WIP? me? 😅

— How long have you been writing fanfiction?

Ok, so I just looked up the release date for the game which got me into reading/writing fic, and apparently it's 2008. so a little later than I thought, but a long time 😅

— Do you have a favorite word? (One that you love. Doesn’t necessarily have to be one you use all the time.)

I don't think so? nothing that stands out to me as I use it a lot.

— Share a favorite run-on sentence that you’ve written.

This one from and we shall be dangerous and we shall be dangerous - the_morningstar616 (diabla616) - Infinite Undiscovery [Archive of Our Own]

Then he's - Sigmund is gone, whatever force stayed Edward is no longer there and he takes off running, but it's too late, he's too late.

— Share a bit of a scene that you’ve written that still gives you FEELS.

the most recent one - from a prompt in the Passiflora bingo. An angsty version of the Last Wish quest from The Witcher 3: Bingo! - diabla616 - Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types [Archive of Our Own]

“No, I- You really don’t remember anything else? Like why you might be here with me fighting a djinn at all?”

Geralt’s frown deepens, “I’m a Witcher, Yennefer, not a sorcerer. What use would I have for a djinn?”

It’s not often she’s the one left without a reply, but when she can't seem to find one, he carries on, “Despite what Dandelion’s ballads would have you believe, I do know when to leave well enough alone.”

— What is your favorite kind of character interaction to write? — Do you have a hyper-specific genre?

I like writing dialogue, mostly- I like to try and play out the conversation, see if I can hear it in the characters' voices, to know if it works.

— Any personal or frequently used tags?

Nothing which I think stands out. 'Pining', 'getting together', the usual really 😂

— Share a joke or funny moment that you’ve written that still makes you laugh.

I never think humour is my strong point, but maybe this one - Jaskier being a little harsh on himself, and rather awkward Some nights I call it a draw - diabla616 - The Witcher (TV) [Archive of Our Own]

It shouldn’t be embarrassing – it's not embarrassing; they’re adults both of them, with normal human needs. It’s not as though Geralt is going to take one look and realise he’s the star of Jaskier’s evening entertainment. Not as long as Jaskier can pull himself together. “Cramp.” He manages, a little hoarsely. Great, nailed it.

— Best editing tip?

Editing? 😅

I proofread my fics, and usually save them as draft to AO3 overnight, then revisit them in the morning so I've got a fresh look for typos, etc.

— What drives you to write?

interest in the characters / story. A desire to share my take on them, maybe?

— Share something about your writing that you have wished someone would ask you about. Or alternatively, something that you are just really proud of.

My Losers club reverse bang from last year!

Such a life to go - alby_mangroves, diabla616 - IT (Movies - Muschietti) [Archive of Our Own]

The art is gorgeous, I wrote far more than I was expecting to, and it was just an all-round fun experience. Also, I have a page or two of codas for it which I'll probably never get round to cleaning up and sharing 😅

— Where do you draw inspiration?

Everywhere! My own experiences, discussions in other fandom communities, all sorts.

— What is your immediate reaction when you receive a new comment on a fic?

usually just 😍😍

I do go back and reread some of the comments on my fics to cheer me up at times.

— What is your biggest challenge in writing?

Most of the time it's finding a way to end the story which doesn't seem rushed, or too trope-y. I'm never sure how successful I am at that 😅

— 1-2 sentence preview from your current WIP?? (Only if you are willing.)

It's cold outside the house, wind cutting through Steve’s thin polo, but he barely notices it until the front door opens behind him and the contrast of the warm air makes him shiver.

“Steve?”

Robin steps out the door, approaching a little like he’s a frightened deer, and forget reading it on his face – Robin can probably see the whole thing on a neon sign from miles away. When she’s close enough she puts a hand on his shoulder and he leans into it a little.

— What story or scene are you most proud of?

There's a few, but this is one I've not shared here yet -

Ours not to reason why - diabla616 - Dragon Age: Origins [Archive of Our Own]

I don't usually write soulmate aus, but I loved the idea of a dalish warden hearing the Chant in his head and that being what eventually leads him to a soulmate.

— Please link your profile so we can admire your works!

diabla616 - Works | Archive of Our Own

#ask game #my writing

2 notes · View notes

emerysnonsense · 25 days

Note

Hihi sweet tea!

Sending this while I have some time(aka I cannot sleep because my head wants to spontaneously combust)

Life been stupid crazy but is kinda chilling and it now but still not really ^^’

Snatched your Sleepytime playlist to listen to while I try and sleep

Apparently we’ve had the Spotify family plan and I was just never informed so imma start trying to use it more since I no longer have to listen to ads and therefore am gonna look through all of your playlists cause I can

So far very good music much vibes

Ahxbsjbxsjndi

Ah brain running out of words

Hopefully life has been going well over there and is not even close to as chaotic as it has been here

Done anything fun? Anything interesting going on?

Ughhhdhhcbd I’m trying so hard to converse but head says no only pain

Oh the joys of genetic chronic migraines

Love that the new medicine does nothing(not like I really expected it to but still would’ve been nice if it did TvT)

Got work on Sunday so hopefully the migraine is at least manageable otherwise that is going to suck significantly more than it already was gonna

Mmmmm words….uhhhhh

Oh when I get the chance and actually remember and hopefully learn how to actually use Spotify I might go make a playlist of recommendations for you cause like I said it’d be a longgggggg list

Mmm yeah I think I’m outta words now lol

Again hope you’re doing well!!

Lotsssssss of platonic love to you sweet tea!!!!

Love ya tonssssssss!(/platonic)

<33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

hi starshine!!!

hope you're doing a little better and that whatever crazy stuff is going on right now passes quickly

ohhh nice! I hope you enjoy my random playlists!

some of them can be a little random

I have a lot of playlists, but I think I don't have all of them public

not much going on here tbh

people around me have started to notice my lack of self confidence and don't know what to do about it, neither do I

so that's one thing that's happening, but other than that I'm mostly relaxing

I hope your migraines go away soon

I thankfully rarely get those, but I do know they're very painful ^^'

so yeah, hopefully it stops hurting!

if you need any help with Spotify, you can ask me anytime

I know a few things about it bc I've used it for a while now

I'd love to listen to the songs you recommend

maybe I should make a playlist too

hmmmm

I could also add you to the one playlist I made with the songs you, arty and some other people recommended

that way you can add those directly to that playlist

or we could generally make a new playlist we can both add songs to

ye, I'll probably do that

lots of platonic love to you starshine <333333333333333333333333333

you're amazing and I appreciate you a lot

love you /p

#answered ask #starshine ✨

0 notes

fluffydisneyprincess · 9 months

Text

So I was diagnosed with a kidney disease last year and never talked about it

I'm just gonna ramble out the whole story here because I think I need to.

So two years ago I go in to my doctor because of chronic fatigue. I could sleep for HOURS and still be fighting to stay awake when I got up. Sometimes I'd wake up feeling energized and would crash in an hour or two anyway. My doctor could have easily just dismissed me. I have depression/anxiety. I'm a little overweight. He could have just said there's a number of things causing it. Instead he trusted me that I knew something was off and he sent me for tests.

The tests come back and things were mostly normal except two significant pieces of information. The first, this is exactly how he said it, "You aren’t anemic.... yet." I don't know why but I still find it funny. The second was some protein in my urine test. I hadn't been sick in months and didn't have any symptoms of a UTI so that shouldn't have been happening.

More testing. I was actually visiting my best friend in Oklahoma when I got the call about the results. This time he found something in my blood that usually acts as a marker for a rheumatoid issue. People do have it without having rheumatism but I had slightly higher levels of it. He was worried about Lupus and so I was referred to a Rheumetologist. Naturally having your PCP tell you he's concerned about Lupus is um... not good. I didn't handle it well.

Fast forward and I'm feeling silly sitting in a Rheumetologist's office. I had no outward symptoms of anything rheumatoid. No pain or weakness or anything. But the protein bothered the doctor, so more tests were ordered. This went on for a few months with the doctor getting more and more frustrated because that one factor aside I was perfectly healthy. All my other levels were normal. (I have to admit it was both amusing and terrifying to watch. I'd never seen a doctor so stumped but it also meant I wasn't getting answers.) Finally, he decides to refer me to a Nephrologist. A kidney doctor.

It went on for a short while with the kidney doctor and rheumatologist going back and forth as the protein continued to show up in my tests at an alarming level. Neither had a clue. So finally the kidney doctor said he wanted me to have a kidney biopsy done.

If you've never had a kidney biopsy, just imagine being punched really hard in the kidney. Twice. Only I was lucky and they didn't get enough of a sample on one of the tries and I got THREE punches. There was pain medication but maybe I wasn't taking to it as well because the nurse looked really confused when I was showing signs of pain. And continued to be in pain for the next two to three days.

It was a few weeks after the biopsy before I finally got a call about results. IgA Nephropathy. From the way I understand it basically my kidneys weren't working the way they should and weren't filtering properly.

Fun fact: If you try to look up info on IgA Nephropathy one of the first questions to come up is about life expectancy. 🙃 That wasn't terrifying at all. I forced myself to look further and even dared searching that one particular suggestion. With proper treatment and management most people with it live long happy lives but beyond that I found... almost nothing.

They don't know what causes it. They don't know know if it's preventable. It's apparently the most common of that particular type of kidney disease, but I couldn’t find how common that type of disease was. Which led me to the incredibly frustrating reality that I'm in now.

There is nothing I can do. Sure, cutting back on salt and drinking plenty of water is good for your kidneys overall, but as far as my specific disease goes there's nothing. No change in my diet or lifestyle will slow down its progression. The literal only thing I can do is exactly what my doctor says. As of my last appointment my levels were going up again so in about two weeks I have to get testing done again. Right now the doctor is trying to avoid putting me on something that would leave me immunocompromised, but it's not off the table.

Because you know what happens if the disease progresses far enough? Kidney failure.

And, as an added bonus I still haven't explained to my mother, trying to have children *will* speed up the progression of the disease on top of what would already be a complicated and high risk pregnancy. Guess who isn't playing with those odds.

So, yeah. It's been hard to get off my mind lately. It's so fucked up that it was more random than a dice roll for me to wind up with this and yet-- here we are. To say it's not been good for the mental health is an understatement.

#blue's rambles #health stuff #chronic kidney disease #the universe works in mysterious ways but im starting to think it aint working for me #been feeling ablist at myself #like i don’t deserve good things because my kidneys might just quit on me #id never say that to someone not me #ive always wanted true love but how do you explain this #if im honest im scared

1 note · View note

dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

4/20/23

Blaze it. Says the guy who unceremoniously quit smoking weed like 3 or 4 months ago. And is too afraid to start smoking again because I'm super prone to freak-outs and I live alone. Yay.

I'm tempted to smoke at some point, I have been for a while. To the point where I've been tempted to ask my new doctor for an emergency xanax prescription or something, so I have something to help me come down a bit if I'm freaking out.

I hate that I'm still dealing with this, it's so fucking lame. I can't drink because it fucks up my stomach. I can't smoke cigarettes because apparently, given public opinion and ungodly restrictive pricing, it's literally the worst thing you can do to your body. Somehow managing to oust injecting neurotoxins into your body for no reason other than to make it cosmetically appear that you're good at sucking dick. I miss having a substance to help me relax. I have coffee to make me go up, and that's it. Nothing to chill me out.

I've been dealing with stupid weed freak-outs since I was 17. Freshman orientation, the first week of college. I remember walking around campus right after smoking a bowl with my friend Raphael, and we ran into our RA... who told us we were late for an orientation thing that was going on in the auditorium. And we walked in, and there were like... maybe 10-15 people spread out through the audience, and a speaker on stage. And the dude pointed out both of us entering, stopped his fucking presentation and pointed us out, saying something like "glad you could finally join us..." or something. And I was supremely fucking high. And his coy tone, and presence, and the feeling of being trapped and called out, and the bright red seats, the whole vivid scenario... turned into a hellscape for me. Very literally. I was like... "oh... I'm in Hell, this is like... the orientation for Hell. I died." Like a fucking psychological horror movie, like I got tricked into crossing over to the afterlife. Because that's how my creative brain works. And I handled it pretty well, I think I went and sat there for a while, maybe I stuck the whole thing out? Maybe I said fuck it and left halfway through, I don't remember. But... that was... I think... the first big freak-out of that caliber I ever experienced. The first of many.

I've been trying to research the hell out of them since. That was like... 2004. We've learned a lot since then. I think the most accurate term I have been able to find for them were "panic attacks", but those don't always really feel like they describe... the immersion of these experiences. Like... I was very convinced. I was in Hell. That's just where I was, and now I need to figure out what to do. I was terrified that I was going crazy for a while, especially back then, mental health was really not nearly as openly discussed and commonly known about back then. I was mostly concerned that I was having the beginnings of schizophrenic episodes. And that I was going to be hospitalized or something, institutionalized or some shit. That my life was basically over before it really started, and it was my fault.

Add to this that I didn't have anyone to talk to about the entire process. No good friends, who could've like... sat me down and gone "yeah, I get freak-outs too sometimes, they're super intense, but like... it's just a thing that happens, and you just need a trip-sitter kinda person to help you through it." Nope, definitely did not get that advice at any point in my life.

I've learned very recently that what these experiences are... are an alteration in the salience network of the brain. From what I have read, and I would really love to learn more about this so please do chip in if you know any more detail about this... The salience network apparently... moderates between the conscious and the subconscious. The "you" voice, You the experiencer; and the thoughts you have, memories that come to you, dreams you have, the "voices in your head". Apparently the salience network keeps the balance between those two, and weed can fuck with that. Which... is why it can help with stimulating creative thought, and why I was trying to use it in therapy to help bring down the walls I was building to stop myself from seeing a lot of the causes of pain I was in, but to do that in a safe supervised environment, so I could have emotional support and help grounding if I got overwhelmed. What I read, to help sum it up, is that disruption in the salience network can make a delivery guy knocking at the door be convincingly perceived as the FBI knocking on the door. It can make an anxiety chest pain be convincingly perceived as an imminent heart attack. Shit like that. It is not uncommon with weed at all. But I was not educated about this.

I kept smoking after that freak-out, regularly. I surprisingly didn't really have any more problems until one day, when me and... Raphael again... we scraped our bowls and made a big resin ball and smoked a bunch of it right before my English class. Like I went... right there. It culminated in a gigantic panic attack. And what I experienced there, at the time I was convinced were... hallucinations? But... I've learned so much about perception of reality since then, I realize how clumsy and naïve that definition would be. I have done mushrooms and acid and seen actual visual manifestations that weren't there. Like... shadow creatures, and little people dancing in fireplace embers, and geometric swirls in the clouds. In fact, my most vivid hallucination ever was after doing coke for 3 days straight, not sleeping at all, and drawing on my friend's wall in a blacklit room while we were listening to Mindless Self Indulgence. Poetic, yeah? XD I was so exhausted that I just lay down for a minute and I vividly saw a cat come over to me. A calico tabby cat, I did not for a second doubt it being real. I reached over to pet it and my hand went right through it and I immediately fell asleep. There was no cat in that house, there were two dogs, I was literally dreaming while still awake. Those were hallucinations. But what I experienced in the English classroom? That was a salience dysfunction issue. That was hearing the class laugh at a joke the teacher was making, but being so caught in my head that I didn't hear the context, so I was convinced the laughing was 100% pointed at me. It was feeling tingling in my body from my body high and was convinced that I was going to lose bowel control and shit myself in the middle of class. For ages, I haven't had a way to describe why this was so... traumatizing, why I was even classifying these as hallucinations rather than... insecurities? Anxieties?

It's because of how visceral and experiential they were. It was because of how real they were. It wasn't "I'm worried they might be laughing at me". It wasn't "I feel like they're probably laughing at me". It was "they are laughing at me." To the point where I went to the teacher after class and asked the teacher why they were laughing at me! I'm not even kidding. Same with the body sensations, it wasn't "man it would be really embarrassing if I farted in class". It wasn't "maybe my stomach's upset." It was "I am going to lose bowel control, it's just a matter of when." Very dreamlike. Like... in a dream... you don't question that you're in a cafe in an airport, but it's underground for some reason... and you're talking to a rock star idol of yours and just shooting the shit. You don't question it, it's just what is occurring. My phobias were being treated as the primary reality, and the toggle switch between critical/analytic mind (conscious) and intuitive/dreamlike/creative mind (subconscious) was impaired, so I couldn't snap myself back into questioning it. Especially back then when I had zero experience doing it and didn't even know what was happening.

I think this weakness is also part of why I am so experientially creative. Why my art and my inspiration come to me so effortlessly and easily. My theory is that it's the same conduit, the same process. I think I have a naturally more porous boundary between my conscious and subconscious, maybe less mediation, not sure. And I source my creativity directly from my subconscious. So... this weakness is not just a strength, it's kinda the core of most of my artistic identity... aka, my identity.

So yeah, because of my lack of ability to like... manage that properly... to ground myself in those moments and actively bring control back to my conscious mind. And my lack of desire to like... live in a terrifying psychological horror movie... I stopped smoking weed. And avoided it like the plague, for 15 years. Until 2018.

I have to use the bathroom, we'll be right back with more WeedTales after this quick break.

I gave weed a shot again after I broke up with my ex for good. Maybe a month or so after. I wanted to get off of meds, and I wanted something natural to help me do it, because I'd been through benzo withdrawal before and I really really wanted something to make the process more bearable. So I gave weed a try. And it really helped. It really did. For a while, too. Until I saw a Darren Brown special while stoned out of my mind, which fucked up my sense of reality and made me question literally everything I knew about fate and predestination and free will and shit. And not in a stoned college student going "whooooa wouldn't that be cool tee hee" 3rd person like they're watching a movie kind of way... like a "you just woke up in a hospital in 28 Days Later" kind of way. In a very very real, experiential way. It was an existential crisis, a... "what the fuck am I?" "Do I even choose anything at all?" "Do I even exist?" And it started to freak me out at existential levels, like a waking night terror. And I had no one to call, so I rode it out. And I went to the counseling center the next day to tell them about it. They had me with an emergency person I was seeing for the first time. I tried to tell her about it, how I felt like I was dying... which isn't entirely accurate, but it was the best I could sum it up in like... the 15 minutes I was offered. And she referred me to an outpatient program at a mental health facility. Which is kinda not cool, in hindsight.

After I got back, I started making more and more art. I learned more about meditation and trance induction techniques. I kept leaning in towards the void. It really was like a call of the void thing. The thing that freaked me out the most, that fucked up and derailed my life so many times, it just kept calling me back. The oceanic abyss of the subconscious. Dream recall, painting dreams, sourcing stories from dreams to make mini graphic novels, stream of consciousness poetry and writing, divination practices, intuitive drawing, shit like that. I was developing a process of prying open the door between the conscious and subconscious mind, and shoving a doorstop in there... So that I could dive in that endless ocean of inspiration and grab an unpolished gem whenever I wanted. That is development of an artistic process. And ritual.

Doing that alone... was terrifying... and to top it off, made me lose all my friends and family. And I'm glad they're gone. It pains me to say it, but I am. This weird spiritual dream artist is the person I have been since I was like... 16? Maybe even younger? And don't get me wrong, I am lots of people... but that's the one that like... I feel most alive and where I belong being. And they not only didn't support me, they actively tried to convince me what I was doing was "dangerous" and "self-destructive"... and implanted those ideas into my subconscious mind, to turn me against myself. And it worked. And the freakouts started again, in full-force, regularly. And I went off to a retreat seeking sanctuary... to finally safely get off of meds and to be around people who would actually offer me the support I needed. Unfortunately, the price I had to pay for that was abandoning my creative process entirely.

I was in there for 8 months. When I left... I was lost and trying to re-find myself. And a month later, the pandemic started.

I didn't start smoking weed again until last summer. So, summary, my weed smoking periods were... 2003 -> 2004, Spring -> Summer 2019, Summer -> Winter 2022. That's it.

When I last smoked, it was after my dog died. And I was not sleeping at all. I was sleeping from like... 3AM to dawn. Then getting up and making yogurt and granola and listening to music and carving and reading books on modern Druidry and shit all day. Weed helped me sleep again. I mean that sincerely. Some of the best sleep I've gotten this year was when I was high. In fact, most of my first journal entries on here were written while I was high. It was part of my bedtime ritual.

Sleep and bedtime have been my biggest thorn in my side since I was a teenager, the core of most of my mental health issues, I would wager. The sleep ritual of smoking to ease the body and let go, then journaling to kinda purge the chaotic and dark thoughts and resolve any issues I'm carrying? It brought me a peace that made falling asleep and staying asleep really easy.

And now... now, I'm struggling to sleep again. And it feels like when my dog died. This is day 3 or 4 now, I don't know anymore. And I don't think it was the neighbors this time, but I could be wrong. I did the same "get up after 5 hours of sleep, eat cereal, then get into the comfy chair, pop in the AirPods with noise cancelling and pass out again" thing.

So... I guess where I'm at with weed is... because I have like... at least 1/8 just sitting in my house, and a bottle of tincture too. If I were to smoke right now... what I fear is going to happen... yep, fear of Fear again... What I fear is going to happen is that I'm going to be woken up by my upstairs neighbors making noises... and my salience is going to be all fucky... and I'm going to wake up thinking there are people in my house, or some other unpredictable surreal narrative. And that wouldn't be so bad if I had someone I could text or call and sorta work through the anxiety attack, to help me ground, like I fucking tried to do in 2019 and my asshole "friends" would rush me off the phone and fucking roll their eyes at me. If I had that available, to just go "yo, I just woke up and I'm still a bit high, but I'm hearing sounds in my apartment and it's kinda freaking me out, could you just like... chill with me, or help me sort through whatever thoughts I'm experiencing, and help me reset my vibes?" That is literally the only thing I've needed for the past... at least 4 years. A good goddamn friend that's there when I need it. That's it.

But... since I don't have that? I'm genuinely scared. Because that feeling, it's like knowing with at least 85% certainty that when you lay your head down on your pillow tonight, you're going to have one of the worst nightmares you've ever had. And no one will be there to hold you and comfort you when you wake up. Motherfuckers wanna tell you "you're being dramatic" or "suck it up" or "grow thicker skin". <shakes head, grimacing>

So yeah, happy goddamn 4/20. If you don't have a severe anxiety disorder, consider yourself lucky that you have a natural outlet available to you that isn't an existential liability. I am very envious.

After all this... why am I still drawn to weed? You'd think I'd avoid it again, like I did for 15 years. Well... because I think it's the key. I think it's the key to building the skills I need to conquer my everyday anxiety limitations. I think a lot of what I'm dealing with in like... being anxious about driving while tired... or being anxious about being mugged on the streets and shit... I think it's so difficult because of how real it feels. Because it's a powerful real feeling. And I think if I can train dealing with bigger, more visceral freakouts... these everyday things will be child's play. It makes sense in my head, on paper... maybe less so. It's a theory.

Today was basically just... yoga, nap, shower, work on the "whiteboard" animation, practice guitar a bit, dinner, work more, watch stream, and... here I am. Nothing big, nothing too notable. Just... more sleep deprivation. And it's really taking a toll. So... yeah... I think that's a big part of the push towards weed. But ultimately? I think getting my sleep schedule more regulated will do more good than just smoking.

But I mean... I've naturally gravitated to this sleep schedule for 13 years. I've been nocturnal for my entire adult life. At what point is adjusting my sleep schedule arbitrarily... unnatural? Idk. Feeling a lot of "I could be wrong about that, better not say it with certainty" tonight. Depression, I guess.

Gotta end on a better note than that! Um... I made potato skins and mac and cheese for dinner. With the skins from the baked potatoes last night. It was really good! :) That's something. Alright, I'm off to bed, my eyes are like 1/3 open.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

0 notes

youhavenoideahowbadiwantthis · 1 year

Text

Around 2018, I was about 3 years into my job and aside from the manager (Belial) and a couple gossipy bits of drama, it was okay. Everyone in the office, mostly, got along and respected each other.

We had a coworker (Mike) who was essentially grandfathered into the modern day work environment and expectations, despite proving, time and time again, that he was unable to comprehend or adequately perform in his daily work.

I really liked Mike. He was kind and had an awesome sense of humor, but Belial and his supervisor (Hog), a sniveling, spineless piece of shit, did not give him the benefit of the doubt on anything and, instead, carried on a decade long campaign to harass and verbally abuse him.

Things weren't great for Mike. His home life was crumbling as his kids moved away, his wife was thinking of leaving him and his spending was out of control. He was a wreck, but he didn't let it affect his daily behavior and he was always kind and respectful.

One day, I was speaking with a work friend in his cubicle when Mike walked in. Through sullen, sunken, half-shut eyes and slurred speech, he told us how nice it is to have friends, how he wished he had any and how he'd always see us as friends. He slowly meandered away to another cubicle while my friend and I immediately knew what was going to happen.

I went to Hog and told her what had happened and that she needed to call emergency services. She said she was concerned and that she would talk to someone. Hours pass and nothing seems to happen. The clock seems to stop and the silence is deafening. I go to ask Hog what's happened, but she isn't there. I expect she's found him some help.

The next day Mike isn't there (seriously, don't panic). I look for management and no one is available. I hear that the previous day, Mike had been asleep in a friend's office in a different wing, so I go to talk to him. Instead I find his manager.

His manager tells me that Hog came over after he called her to come gather Mike. She was clueless as to how to address the issue. Apparently, Mike's wife was called to pick him up, but had the courage to come confront the antagonists.

Mike's wife came and spoke to Belial's manager/best friend, Hog and a union representative and tore into them, saying that Belial and Hog's treatment of Mike was what caused the situation in the first place and that Belial was never punished because they were friends.

Mike wasn't going home to commit suicide.

He had already attempted it before coming to work with a bottle of pills.

Mike retired after a drawn out disability leave.

Hog was removed from the division and determined to be the sole cause of the problem.

Belial retired, happily, with, about, 33 years of service under her belt with full benefits.

This incident was, literally, never mentioned by management as having occurred and no resources or support services were ever provided for those affected. I've been here for 8 years and have yet to hear a word from them.

A grown, adult man was so frequently and cruelly belittled by two other "professional" adults on a daily basis, for ten years, that he attempted suicide and still came to work.

Never be so invested in your work that your personal life, health and relationships are negatively affected. If you need to be reminded, though I can often need this reminder as well: suicide isn't a cure for anything.

Suffering begets suffering.

Even if you can't do what makes you happy, gain and retain a bit of that control every single day so that you can live in that house once you're done building it.

If you experience these feelings, I promise you're not alone. Please talk to someone before you ever consider such finality.

Thank you for listening, though I'm not sure why you would.

#working for the man #losing my will to live

0 notes

clusterbuck · 3 years

Note

how about 4 from the prompts list? "I'm here, aren't I?"

okay fun fact when i sat down to fill this prompt and turned my spotify on shuffle the first song to come up was i'm here by sweet talk radio so like... that's appropriate lmao

thanks for the prompt!!

"i'm here, aren't i?" buck mutters under his breath. "stop looking at me like that! it's rush hour on a friday, i did the best i could with the traffic conditions i had."

"i know, i know," eddie whispers next to him. "i'm not mad at, you, i just—" he cuts himself off and sighs. "i was going to talk to you about something before we went in."

"why am i here, anyway?" buck asks, looking around at all of the parents and teachers milling around the foyer of christopher's school. "i mean, you know i don't mind, but you made it sound really—"

he's interrupted by the sound of a woman's voice, somewhere on eddie's other side. "mr diaz, there you are! and this must be the husband."

buck whirls to look at eddie, because—if eddie has a husband, this is the first he's hearing of it.

please, eddie's expression seems to say, desperate and cornered and a little hopeful. and buck's never been able to deny him anything.

he's always been quick on the uptake, and even if he wasn't, eddie's arm sliding around his waist would probably make the pieces slip into place. so he schools his features into his best approximation of what a husband probably looks like and turns to face the woman next to eddie.

she's bright and bubbly, the platonic ideal of a suburban california soccer mom. she holds out a hand, and buck grins as he shakes it. "that's me," he confirms.

"and are you mr diaz as well?" she asks, and buck breathes an internal sigh of relief when she doesn't add anything along the lines of i don't really know how it works with you people.

"buckley, actually," he tells her. "buck." then he drops his voice and leans in like he's sharing a secret. "makes it easier at work, you know, so our captain knows who he's talking to."

she laughs, and eddie squeezes his hip. "i've heard a lot about you," she says with a smile. then she inclines her head at eddie. "he won't shut up about you, actually."

buck grins. "is that so?" he asks, turning to look at eddie.

eddie rolls his eyes. "i talk about you a normal amount," he says. "don't go getting an ego about this."

the woman introduces herself as somebody's mother. next to him, eddie falls into an easy conversation about math homework and the upcoming science fair, but buck is only half-listening. he's mostly preoccupied by the fact that eddie, apparently, goes around telling people that they're married. which is definitely news to him.

he's also more than a little preoccupied by the warm weight of eddie's arm resting around his waist, and the casual way eddie's hand curls around his hip like it belongs there. before he can think better of it, buck leans further into eddie's embrace, and eddie adjusts his grip mid-sentence like this is something they do every day and not something out of buck's wildest daydreams.

eventually, the woman excuses herself to go and find some teacher or the other.

"husband, huh?" buck asks. "that's funny, i don't remember you proposing. or, you know, asking me out."

as he speaks, eddie detaches himself from buck. when buck turns to look, eddie is already wearing a guilty expression.

eddie sighs. "i was going to tell you," he says. "that's what i wanted to talk to you about before we came in."

"i mean, yeah, knowing ahead of time that i'm supposed to be acting like your husband would have made life a little easier," buck says. "also, uh, why am i supposed to be acting like your husband, again?"

eddie looks away, squirrely in the way buck knows he only gets when he's embarrassed. "there was a teacher a while back," he says. "she kept, uh, hitting on me? so i panicked and said i was married."

"okay, so, why me?" buck asks, and wonders if eddie can hear the unspoken question. why are you pretending to be married to a man? eddie's never given any indication that he's anything other than straight. it's the biggest reason buck has him firmly mentally labelled as never going to happen, buckley, you might as well stop dreaming about it.

it hasn't worked so far, but repetition is key.

"i guess christopher talks about you a lot," eddie says. "she asked if it was you, and it seemed easier to say yes than to invent some kind of fictional spouse that i'd have to remember details about."

"romantic," buck says, and eddie laughs and elbows him.

"shut up."

"so why didn't you just tell me?" buck asks.

"i was going to, if you'd been here when you said you would!"

"hey, it's not my fault the 146 didn't manage their pile-up scene properly and traffic backed up!" buck says. "besides, you could also have told me at any other point in time between now and—how long have you been telling people this?"

"uh... six months, give or take," eddie says. "that's why it was so important you come tonight—i've been making excuses for you at school events, but the other parents have started to question it and i don't want them thinking my imaginary husband is a shitty person."

"clearly you have better taste than that," buck agrees.

eddie sighs again, but it's good-natured. "god, i should have known you'd be insufferable about this."

"and yet you picked me anyway," buck beams. "so why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"i was worried you'd think it's weird," eddie says. "and i really needed you to be here."

"mm, being addressed as your husband out of the blue was definitely less weird," buck says.

"so it didn't go exactly to plan," eddie says. "thanks for just rolling with it, by the way."

"of course," buck says. "i've got your back, remember?"

"somehow, i don't think this is what either of us envisioned back in that hospital parking lot," eddie laughs.

and it's true—buck had envisioned doing a lot of things with eddie, back in those first few days before he'd realised he didn't have a chance, but fake marriage was never one of them.

"so is there anything specific you need me to do?" buck asks, in an effort to distract himself from thoughts of the things he did envision.

"just—sell it, i guess?" eddie says. "i'm pretty sure i've only told people things about you that are true anyway, so there's no elaborate cover story or anything."

"except that we're married," buck says.

"except that we're married," eddie agrees. "for—about a year now, i think i've said?"

"a year, okay," buck repeats. "cool, i'm on it." then he steps closer to eddie again and slips his hand into eddie's back pocket.

"buck," eddie hisses. "what are you doing?"

"selling it," buck replies.

"where? in high school in the year 1987?" eddie asks, but he relaxes into buck's side.

"hey, no judging," buck says. "maybe this is my signature move."

"i mean, you do you," eddie says. buck doesn't argue, because he doesn't want to have to tell eddie that he's mostly doing it because this might be the only opportunity he ever gets to touch eddie's ass.

it's only as they set off to meet with the first of christopher's teachers that buck realises he might have miscalculated. because now his hand is on eddie's ass, and he's suddenly hyperaware of even the smallest twitch of his fingers. how much of it can eddie feel? is eddie going to think he's trying to make a move if he accidentally flexes his fingers a little?

it's not that he doesn't want to make a move. it's just that he doesn't think that eddie would be very receptive to it.

except eddie turns out to be a very affectionate fake husband. if buck's hand isn't in eddie's pocket then eddie is holding it. when they sit side-by-side listening to teachers talk about how smart christopher is, eddie's foot is hooked around buck's ankle. in the hallway between meetings, eddie turns to drop a kiss on buck's cheek, and a shiver radiates through him.

buck doesn't know what to make of it. he's used to a certain amount of physical contact from eddie—shoulders brushing together as they walk next to each other, working together so seamlessly their limbs might as well be extensions of each other on calls—but this feels different. it's not just that the touches are different—there's an ease to eddie's actions that makes buck wonder for the first time in years if maybe his mental label for eddie isn't quite as accurate after all.

he doesn't know how else to explain the fact that eddie keeps touching him. it's more than enough to sell their ruse—bordering on excessive, even, especially for a middle school parent-teacher conference.

and buck isn't exactly innocent himself, either. he wonders if a year into a fictional marriage is too far to claim honeymoon period, because that's the closest he can come to describing the feeling—like now that he has permission to touch eddie, the dam has broken and he can't keep his hands off.

they're still holding hands when they spill out of the school doors and into the dark warmth of the september evening. eddie makes no move to let go, and so neither does buck.

buck's jeep is clear across the other side of the parking lot, but he follows eddie to his truck anyway. they reach the car, and eddie brushes his lips against the corner of buck's mouth, closer than he has all night. buck freezes.

eddie pulls back, horror clear across his face. "i'm sorry," he says. "i didn't—i just—i forgot. that we're not inside anymore."

there's just enough wistfulness in his voice that buck makes a split-second decision. he takes a step forwards and takes eddie's face in his hands, stands still for two heartbeats just in case he's reading everything extremely wrong and eddie wants to protest, and then he's kissing eddie.

eddie kisses the way he does everything else, with a steadiness that keeps buck tethered to reality and a quiet intensity that bubbles just under the surface. it's a combination that's uniquely eddie, one that makes buck feel like he could take on the world and win and like he's coming home.

"i don't want it to be just inside," buck says, just in case eddie didn't get the message. "i don't want it to be fake. i mean, it might be a little soon to get married, but—"

"someday, though," eddie says, and buck laughs.

"someday, yeah."

eddie grins at him. "in the meantime, do you want to come home with me tonight?"

"yeah, i really do."

send me a starter line from this list and i'll write a ficlet for it!

#i am so tired i hope this makes sense lmao #buddie #911fic #ask emma #emma writes #becominglionhearted #lol i was literally just saying the other day that i tend to default to eddie pov and here's my second buck pov in a row #oh well

259 notes · View notes

lostinthewiind · 3 years

Text

Forget Me Not: Part 1

Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sawamura Daichi, Bokuto Kōtarō, Oikawa Tōru, Kuroo Tetsurō - Haikyuu

Synopsis: five years after graduating high school, you're invited to Kiyoko and Tanaka's wedding and find yourself back in Japan. Surrounded by your old classmates and volleyball buddies once again, not only are old friendships rekindled, but old feelings start to resurface as well. Did five years change you and your friends too much, or did it change you all just enough?

Rating: PG13

Warnings: none

Next → Part 2

Being back in Japan filled you with a familiar, comforting feeling that spread throughout your entire body. The country where you had lived most of your life and been educated from kindergarten to high school in brought back childhood memories that you had not thought about in nearly five years.

And now, here you were, attending the wedding of one of your best friends, whom you hadn't seen in way too long, and surrounded by people who shaped your elementary and teenage years.

It wasn't until the reception that you got to actually catch up with your childhood friends, but the ceremony had certainly gotten you thinking. With the beautiful decorations strewn all over the venue and Kiyoko's breathtaking dress—and the way Tanaka teared up after seeing his future wife coming down the aisle—you had begun to wonder, as one who is still single would, if that would ever be you; all dressed to the nines and ready to devote the rest of your life to one person.

The fact that you were deep in thought must have been visible on your face because it wasn't long after that Kiyoko made her way over, gently placing her hand on your shoulder and asking if you were all right.

Startled out of your internal dilemma, you assured her that you were fine and just caught up with your own thoughts. "Sorry," you apologized with a lighthearted chuckle. "I didn't mean to make you worry about me at your wedding."

Taking a seat beside you at the rather empty guest table—more than happy to get off of her feet after Tanaka had been swinging her around the dance floor for hours—Kiyoko sighed contently and brushed off your concern. "Oh, please, make up something if you must." Kiyoko glanced over her shoulder at her new husband, who was currently preoccupied with something Noya was saying to him. "I need a break. If this is any indication of what the rest of my life is going to be like, I'm going to be eternally exhausted."

You laughed, having completely forgotten about what you had been thinking about. "You chose to marry the boy who spent all three years of high school chasing after you and you're surprised that he's over the moon 24/7?" You cocked a brow at her jokingly. "Don't say you weren't warned."

Kiyoko giggled at that and before long you and your best friend were laughing together just like when you were teenagers. It was like nothing had changed; like the two of you had been transported back in time five years.

"In all seriousness though, are you happy?" you asked her as you grabbed for your champagne flute and took a sip. "Because that's all that matters."

A light dusting of pink rose to Kiyoko's cheeks. "I'm ecstatic." She beamed as she looked back at Tanaka again. "I mean . . . that's my husband!"

"Good. I'm happy that you're happy."

Kiyoko nodded in agreement before turning back to you. "So, when is it going to be your turn?"

You thought about asking her what she could possibly be talking about but there was no fooling Kiyoko; she already knew that you knew. Not a week had gone by since you had moved away where she hadn't asked you if you had found yourself a man yet.

You just rolled your eyes. "I would have to be dating someone first in order to start thinking about getting married."

"Okay, so we start at the beginning." Kiyoko started surveying the gorgeous outdoor reception venue as if you didn't already know pretty much everyone who was there.

You scoffed. "I'm sorry, we?"

"You act like I haven't always been invested in your love life." She waved you off, never taking her eyes off of the bustling crowd. "Anyway, back to what I was saying . . . you need someone with a stable career, handsome, and, most importantly, someone that I approve of."

"Yes . . . most importantly." You took another sip of your drink and let your eyes scan the crowd as well, mostly because there wasn't much else for you to do. Eventually, your gaze settled on a table in the back corner where five men sat, engaged in a conversation with one another. It took you a few minutes to make out the face in the dim lighting, but when you did, you were immediately hit with a wave of nostalgia.

There, in a convenient group, as if they had all collectively been waiting for you to spot them, were five of your dearest friends from high school: the captains from the various boys' volleyball teams. Since you had been the captain for the girls' team at one of the rival schools, the six of you had started as acquaintances who bonded over being captains and soon grew into an inseparable friend group. The only person you had been closer to in high school was Kiyoko.

Sawamura Daichi, Ushijima Wakatoshi, Bokuto Kōtarō, Oikawa Tōru, and Kuroo Tetsurō.

They all looked just like how you remembered and yet you couldn't help but notice from afar the ways that they had matured over the past five years. You had been given a brief chance during the ceremony to say hello to them, and during that brief moment, you weren't ashamed to say you would admit they had all grown into handsome young men (not that any of them had been hard on the eyes in high school by any means.)

"Oh, so we're going for the classic 'high school reunion' trope." Kiyoko's face was suddenly right next to yours, startling you once again. "Which one are you looking at?"

Ripping your eyes away from the group of men who had thankfully not noticed your staring, you shook your head. "It's not like that," you sighed.

"Oh, yeah . . . okay." Kiyoko's tone was dripping with sarcasm. "That's fine, you don't have to choose right now. You could probably have whichever one of them you wanted anyway considering they all had a crush on you in high school."

It had been a big mistake to try and take your final gulp of champagne right then. As soon as you had heard what Kiyoko had said, you jolted in surprise and the alcohol went down the wrong way, causing you to begin coughing and sputtering rather loudly and aggressively.

Of course, that was when the five former captains turned to look at you after hearing the commotion. To be fair, a lot of eyes were on you then as you frantically reached for a napkin to dry the champagne that had spurted out of your mouth and Kiyoko patted your back comfortingly.

"Jesus," you managed to choke out. "Warn someone before you say something like that."

Kiyoko grabbed another napkin and began dabbing at the little wet spot on your dress. "You act like you didn't already know."

"I didn't already know."

Kiyoko looked up at you in shock, her hand ceasing all movement. Thankfully, she had pretty much dried your dress completely by then anyway. "What do you mean you didn't know?" she inquired quizzically, almost like she suspected you of lying.

"What do you mean they all had a crush on me?!" You remembered to lower your voice at the last second to avoid screaming such a personal conversation.

"How could you not have known?!" Kiyoko retorted with another question. "It was so obvious!"

"We were all just friends!"

"Just friends?!" A deep voice from behind you interrupted before you or Kiyoko could say another word. "You aren't talking about us, are you?"

You could pick that voice out of a lineup and consequently, your face turned bright red and you swallowed hard. Had he heard what you and Kiyoko had been talking about? How long had he been standing there?

Turning in your chair, you looked up at Kuroo, who was standing behind your chair, and the four other guys standing behind him; all of whom had apparently made their way over after witnessing your struggle with the champagne.

Before you had the chance to work out a suitable answer and attempt to explain away what you and Kiyoko had been discussing, Kiyoko stood from her chair and offered it to Kuroo, motioning for the group to sit down with you at the same time.

"Well, I'll leave you guys so you can all catch up." She smiled wide, throwing you a quick wink when no one else was looking. "I'm sure Tanaka will start searching for me soon anyway. I can only leave his side for so long before he starts causing chaos."

"Looks like the chaos has already started." Oikawa pointed to the head table where Tanaka was pouring liquor straight down Hinata's throat while Noya and Tendou counted the seconds out loud at the top of their lungs.

"Oh, good God." Kiyoko excused herself without another word, rushing across the room to put an end to her husband's antics. The six of you were left chuckling and watching as she snatched the bottle out of his hand and made quick work of reprimanding the men.

Shaking his head, Daichi sat down across from you while the other men took their seats as well. Having been the team captain of Karasuno and on a volleyball team with Tanaka for two years, he knew all too well what it was like to have to keep him in check constantly. "I will never understand how he suckered her into marrying him," he commented.

"Because love." You shrugged. "It makes you do stupid things."

Just then, a waiter came by and placed a fresh glass of champagne in front of each of you. "Ain't that the truth." Kuroo rose his glass and encouraged everyone else to do the same. "To love and other stupid things."

"To love and other stupid things," the remaining five of you repeated before clinking your glasses together and taking a sip of the bubbly alcohol.

Bokuto, who already seemed a little too tipsy for his own good, downed all of his in one go before scooting his chair closer to yours and throwing an arm over your shoulders. "So, tell us, what have you been up to?!" he chirped happily. "We all missed you when you left, you know."

After assuring Bokuto about four or five times that you had missed him as well, you gave the group of eager listeners the short version of what you had been up to since graduation. You explained your boring job and the fact that you played volleyball as often as you could. They asked about other aspects of your life as well, and when the topic of significant others came up, you shyly admitted that you were, indeed, still single.

"Hey, it's not like any of us can judge you for that," Ushijima told you. "None of us have anyone in our lives either."

Oikawa scoffed. "You make it sound like I'm hopeless."

"You are hopeless," Kuroo laughed. "You spent how many years in Brazil and still couldn't find a girl to date you? You moved to Argentina and still nothing. Doesn't that say anything?"

"Leave it to Oikawa to make it all about him," you commented, mindlessly taunting the setter like you used to do all the time when you were younger.

Your jab earned a few amused chuckles from the others and even Oikawa cracked a smile; and just like that, it was like you were back in high school with five of your closest friends, shooting the shit like you always did.

Before you knew it, the six of you were talking, laughing, and drinking the night away. Even Ushijima, who was usually the quiet one of the group, was participating more than you ever remember him doing so. The awkwardness from the first few minutes of interaction and the burning embarrassment of what Kiyoko had told you had melted away so seamlessly that you didn't even notice; suddenly you just found yourself comfortable and feeling rather at home.

Daichi told you about how his job as a cop was going and even shared a few exciting stories—stories that the others had clearly heard many times before if their bored expressions were any indication.

Kuroo talked about his job at the Japan Volleyball Association Sports Promotion Division, which he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying. You were kind of envious of him for managing to stay in the world of volleyball without actually having to keep playing.

Then, of course, Bokuto, Ushijima, and Oikawa discussed what it was like playing for the MSBY Jackals, the Schweiden Alders, and Club Atlético San Juan in Argentina, respectively. Oikawa, much like Daichi had been, was very excited to have someone new to tell his stories to—although his stories were about Argentina and not being a cop.

It made you feel a little sad when you realized just how distant you had grown from your friends and how much of their lives you had missed, but you had to admit that getting to play catch up was extremely entertaining.

After what felt like only twenty minutes or so, but was probably closer to two hours, the reception started winding down and guests started heading home for the night.

Pulled from the happy little bubble the six of you were existing in by the sudden realization that the party had a lot fewer people than you remember, you checked the time and noted that it was rather late.

Daichi, who had been oblivious to the rapidly passing time as well, muttered something about having to work the next day as he reached for his suit jacket that he had draped over the back of his chair at some point and started putting it back on, indicating that he was getting ready to leave.

Bokuto began to pout jokingly and tightened his hold on you, his arm never having left your shoulders the entire time. "You're not going home right away, are you?" he asked you, his wide eyes ready to guilt-trip you into staying longer should he need to. "You're staying in Japan for a while, right?"

"I'll be here for about two weeks or so," you told him, patting his cheek lightly and chuckling when his expression changed on a dime and he smiled wide. "Don't worry, I'm not abandoning you again so soon."

"Then we will have to get together for dinner or drinks or something," Kuroo suggested as he too stood from his seat. "Have you changed your number since high school?"

You shook her head. "Nope, it should be the same one you all have."

"Excellent!" Oikawa cheered. "I've got to head back to Argentina in a week or so as well so we definitely have to get together soon. I have first dibs!"

"Y/N is a person, not the last piece of food," Ushijima huffed. "You can't call dibs."

Oikawa just scoffed. "Sure I can, Toshi. I just did."

"I told you not to call me that."

The two professional volleyball players glared at one another and you wondered how it was possible that they stayed friends for so long, let alone became friends in the first place, considering they were always at each other's throats.

"Okay, you two, don't make me escort one or both of you home in a cop car tonight," Daichi warned. "I'm not in the mood to babysit."

"If I promise to behave, will you promise to use your handcuffs?" Oikawa winked, earning a few hushed chuckles and an obviously disappointed look from Daichi.

"Well, that's my cue to call it a night," Daichi announced as he made his way over to you and pressed a quick kiss to your cheek. "It was lovely seeing you again. I'll call you and we can do dinner sometime, yeah?"

You smiled and nodded. "I'd love to."

With that, Daichi took his leave and the others were soon to follow. Bokuto, who was the last to leave your side, had somehow swindled you into promising to play a volleyball game with him at some point before he bid you goodnight as well and left you to collect your thoughts before catching a cab and heading back to your hotel room.

On your way out, you thanked Kiyoko for inviting you and congratulated her and Tanaka on their marriage. They too insisted on getting together with you once more before you left and you happily agreed, already dreading having to leave your friends again.

As you climbed into your cab that evening, drunker than you had been in a long while and filled to the brim with joyous memories and content feelings after being reunited with so many old friends, you couldn't help but linger on one thought in particular . . .

The fact that all of your former captain friends had grown into handsome men with stable jobs, they were all single, and the startling new discovery that they apparently all had crushes on you in high school.

Did they still feel the same way? Or, more importantly, did you feel the same way?

168 notes · View notes