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a-dragyns-reflections · 1 year

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A Year in Review - 2022

This past year has been such a wild combination of opportunities, personal development, and professional development, as well as finding out more about myself and who I am. Let's begin shall we?

My year started off with me continuing to work overnights in retail. I had taken an online grocery picker job back in mid-2020 to just start earning some sort of income and opportunities in teaching were surprisingly few and far in between for that solid 2 years I worked there doing this kind of work. It was an okay job, but I missed out on so much working overnights- I was not able to keep up with current events, could not make plans with people, and just had to basically survive in that role instead of enjoying it. Fortunately, I would leave this role this year- thank goodness for that too because I was not sure how much longer I could handle such a job any longer than I did.

It's funny because I knew I would be leaving this role or doing this role in a smaller capacity as early as November of 2021 because I had been accepted into my school board- it was just a delayed start date by months due to constant chasing of paperwork from previous teaching opportunities both in my current city and in the UK. I finally got word in March of this year that I can start to substitute teach in April. That word and news finally was what I needed to change my overnight availability to just weekends, then spend the rest of my week doing my best to accept whatever substitute role and job was available on their platform. It was a welcomed change, but definitely an exhausting adjustment when I started the 2nd/3rd week of April- why did I start so late one might ask? Well, I had a vacation planned that was another amazing highlight to my year.

In early April-ish, my dear friend Darryl, after a long 7.5 year friendship, finally was able to safely travel up to my part of Canada from California. It was so so so fucking amazing to see him again as it had been a long time since I went to California for a long 2 week adventure back in 2015- long overdue to finally see the bestie again. We went all over my city in the 3-4 days he was here for- from seeing his reactions to poutines, Tim Hortons, and how my city had some surprising unique buildings, structures, and even venues to go visit. He had heard about these places all the time from me over the years, but to see him take it all in, in person, with him beside me? So incredibly special. I was an emotional mess for a week after he left; but I know he is going to be coming back to my city this year most likely for a convention I will be talking about later on in my year: Animethon.

Substituting then started shortly after he had to leave and it was wild jumping back into the classroom again, in person, not online. At this point, most people had stopped wearing masks as the government dropped the mandate due to insane protests for months on end. It was terrifying being there and still to this day, I am constantly aware of students and staff in schools I go too working while sick and have to be diligent and safe myself while others have stopped caring or cannot be safe any more...it is a heavy feeling, but nonetheless I made many connections immediately upon substituting, especially at my old high school oddly enough. I had been to a few schools downtown in my city, but it was near the end of April I went back to my old high school twice for social studies cover, and then near the beginning of May, I went back a third time to cover Spanish- an whole long story in itself as another opportunity came my way from accepting that first, one day job.

Taking that Spanish cover job would lead to a long series of insanely amazing, yet stressful events. During my first day covering for the teacher, she reached out to me to ask if I could come back the following day, potentially two days. I said yes because the more you cover for a teacher, the more pay you get in my school board so I was like, sweet- yes please! Cue the next day and again, the teacher asked if I could stay the rest of the week and potentially Monday as well- shortly after that, the department head came and spoke to me seeing if I would be interested in remaining covering for this teacher for two weeks as the teacher needed more time away. I said yes, I would need resources and some help adjusting, but sure. It's an amazing opportunity, why would I turn this down? On the third day of covering for this teacher, after some observations from the department head, I was asked to come see her after the work day was done. it was that meeting that she offered me my temporary contract to remain teaching Spanish full time until the end of the school year- a 7 week temp contract that would change my life so much. It led for me to quit my overnight job on the spot that Friday night, left me scrambling to lesson plan, get resources and guidance from all kinds of people like my department head, the teacher I took over for a bit, and even my old Spanish teacher that taught me at that very high school I was now teaching at. I worked 7:30am - 5pm most week days, and worked those similar hours on the weekends at times as well as I took over everything; lesson planning, teaching, marking, assessing, etc. It was a lot and most days I felt the weight of it all, never took lunch breaks, and just kept going and going and going until the exam break hit and I could breathe a bit. My biggest win from that experience was connecting with the students to receive the kindest of emails and cards at the end of the period, and even one student thanked me so profusely for working with her to bring her mark up 30% to pass the class and move on to grade 12 this year. It was a whirlwind of stress and fear that I was failing these kids by jumping in so late and not sorting myself out right away, but in the end I did not fail them, they got to know me and i got to know them, and I gave these students opportunities to improve their marks after an awful first 2/3 of a semester with constant substitute teachers who did not know the language. We managed and got through it together; to everyone's relief. Whenever I do go back to my old high school as a substitute again, I still have some of those previous students stop by if they see me in a classroom or even ask how I am doing if I am teaching them that day. I would call that a successful experience with that reception I get going back there to this day.

Another highlight to this year was actually coming out as demisexual and pansexual. I was questioning my identity a lot during the pandemic as many failed dates and people pushing physical acts on me left me so uncomfortable I felt broken and wrong. Why wasn't this working? Why was I failing at dating and finding the wrong people? Was it because I refused to put labels on myself as a stubborn person who originally thought labels would limit myself and my experiences to what those labels were only? It was a lot of those thoughts that led me to talk to new friends and explore so many websites that shared so many positive ace experiences with great break downs of everything under that identity. In May, everything I read and experienced and talked to people about just clicked and ta-da! I am demi, I am pan, and I am so happy to be both. My first Pride ever was my first out Pride and despite knowing the stereotypes people had about ace people in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, I felt so incredibly accepted, welcomed, and celebrated in June I still get a little emotional about this to this day. Now my family do not understand or even want to know more about this part of me, so that was a bit weird to like be out, be proud, but had people ignore me that were supposed to be my loved ones and such, but honestly? Fuck them. I know who I am and do not need approval from people who are not invested in my life any more.

It was also around this May/June period I entered a mentorship program that featured all mentors from the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. I was amazed at all I had done leading up to June, but I as confused about what I should do next; do I continue to try to grow my community on Outschool and be an online teacher? Do I look for more permanent, stable work? What about the queer community and where do I or could I fit in? I met so many amazing potential mentors, but Josh was phenomenal. He had me share about my passions in that first meeting and found things for me to do to work on immediately; create business cards for substituting and my queer D&D classes on Outschool, join local queer FB groups and events, and make some new connections in my community. I worked so hard on all of these things and my August was so successful with gaining more students, going to variety of events, and planting some seeds for connections to continue to grow what I was doing- showing how inclusivity can be accessed in such fun, creative, and personal development ways. It was working, but now what? September started and things slowed down immensely Outschool wise. The second meeting led for us to discuss making a business profile of all the classes I offered as well as workshops I could offer using this inclusive lens in gaming, as well as reaching out directly to local organizations such as the Pride Centre here in my city. Receiving the next steps and reflecting on how much my work meant to me, I had the confidence to start doing these bigger things that led for me to receive paid opportunities to teach Queer D&D sessions at the Pride Centre! Those went so well and bringing in the fun, quirky, and respected queer NPCs I had developed for my students led to amazing success. 2023 they want me back fairly regularly and we will be sorting out a contract on that in the New Year! I have also been asked to work on ensuring curriculum is inclusive in both Toastmasters and in another opportunity I will be talking about a bit further down. Not only did I find myself as a queer person, I found my community, and I am helping to ensure these communities are well respected and represented in every aspect of gaming and education. What a year! Thank you Josh, you were the greatest mentor I could have ever had this year.

Now back to the summer a bit- not only did I attend Pride, but I volunteered and attended so many other events. I volunteered at Pride where those connections first began and started. Also, I volunteered at the Heritage Festival in my city that brings so many people and cultures together in a large park outdoors where over a 130 countries had pavilions/tents selling food and so many amazing other things they could share about their culture. It was hot, it stormed, but I enjoyed helping people find the tents they wanted to go too and learning so much about different cultures there as a volunteer- the best way to travel to a country without actually going there. Worth the sunburns and rain soaked clothes that weekend. I also attended a TikTok Marketing Conference that summer as well- which was valuable and insightful as taking on a new Public Relations role in Toastmasters for my one club. Learning the peak times to post clips, what tags to include, how many times to post any content in a week would lead to the amazing success of ExtraLife this year (see my last post for more details). While I may not use TikTok that often any more- I can see the value of it and hope to explore more in the New Year after that event. I then attended Animethon and it was amazing- the cosplays I saw and took photos of, the people I met, the artists I adored and their work, plus discovering new shows and characters made that event amazing for me. I also recognized that going to an event like that by yourself is very difficult- surrounded by people, being pushed around, feeling lost, and the anxiety of, again, many people unmasked, left me having a few anxiety attacks that con, but at least there were quiet anime viewing rooms where I discovered SpyxFamily and Scarlet Nexus- my two favourites of the year. Hence why, hopefully, Darryl can come to Animethon 2023 with me so that won't happen again. Last but not least, I then attended and volunteered at my city's Fringe Festival. It was an 11 day festival with so many different plays, shows, acts, and more. I volunteered for 4 days, but also went for an additional 4 days to support so amazing acts such as yegDND, Iago vs. Hamlet, Mark of the Minotaur, Queer History: A Queer Musical, Undead Newlyweds, Mi Habana Querida, and many many more shows. Being an Ambassador, it was almost expected for us to go to as many shows as possible so we could hype up local and international acts, help people find venues, and hand out little stickers that made both kids and adults so excited- a beautifully busy event but I so so so enjoyed it, every moment and every show.

The next big opportunity that came my way in 2022 was becoming a Public Speaking Coach for a start up company called TalkMaze! It started out as teaching only one group class every Monday evening, to then teaching two students 1-1, and as of this past month, being promoted to being a Coach Coordinator for the company that has so many aspects to the role on top of continuing to teach public speaking and confidence as well. The goal of this company is to help youth develop a sense of self-confidence through public speaking, debate, and eventually through model UN as well. I currently am working on the public speaking and speech classes to help these students achieve this goal, but my more recent role is also becoming very valuable as well. As the Coaching Coordinator, I am currently developing and revamping the 1-1 Program curriculum to ensure that every lesson does add value to the student in regards to building communication and public speaking skills, as well as developing their sense of self-confidence. When this development and revamping is finished in a few months from now, I will also be helping to hire new coaches, train them, develop SOPs for their various roles, and even provide feedback to the coaches on how well their lessons are going as I get to observe them as well. Such a valuable role and if I continue to do well, there is a chance to jump to full time and lead the entire Education side to the company- a goal to achieve in 2023!

2022 has given me so much in so many unexpected ways; from finding my confidence in teaching again and leaving a toxic overnight work environment, to even finding myself and creating a safe community for myself as demisexual and pansexual, to so many opportunities in teaching D&D, teaching public speaking, and now developing curriculum that gives me so much meaning and purpose in my life, to also hitting an amazing fundraising goal for ExtraLife 2022.

What does 2023 look like for me?

Hopefully working hard and becoming that Education lead for TalkMaze, travel at least once this year somewhere again as I miss traveling a LOT, have Darryl come visit me for Animethon, continue to offer inclusive gaming and education workshops in various capacities, fundraise $1250 USD for ExtraLife, and make so many new friends. I want to do so much with my life, and if I do not aim high? I will get stuck, and what fun is getting stuck when I now know how much I can offer to the world, and how genuinely proud of myself I am. Hopefully you all will be here with me during this journey and I cannot wait to see where 2023 will take all of us.

Happy New Year everyone and stay golden~

PS. Toastmasters reflection will come in June of 2023 as Toastmasters goes from July-June year wise! Stay tuned~

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astridachyls · 2 years

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My brother is ruining our family. I need an advice.

Hi, i have a brother that is purely self-centered. We cannot act the way we want to when he's around. He acts like he's the boss of this house. He disrespects our parents—shouted at us and he doesn't consider our father his father. His ego is too high to the point that for the past 7 months, he's not talking to us (his siblings). The person that he has good relationship with is our mother, he only talks to her. He's always angry when talking to us, his family, but with other people he acts like an angel. When it comes to his friends and brothers (he's part of fraternity), he's always under.

He's always fighting our father when they're having interactions. He gets angry even in little things—he's making everything big deal to him even if it shouldn't. We don't understand him anymore. He's been such that ever since high school, he's now college. He stopped for 2 years because he cannot bare to survive online class. Our Mom pleaded him to continue his studies, but he never followed no one. Now that he's starting to go to school, our mom is so stressed out because he's so problematic at his school. He always give our Mom problems even our she's tired from her work and she's already turning 56 years old and a breadwinner of the family (my 2 sisters do not have jobs yet because the first one is traumatized by her last job and the other one is fresh graduate from college)

I'm just too tired of this set-up. He and my father used to sleep in our living room, but in a different sofa (we only have 2 bedrooms; our moms and ours–an only girl's bedroom; me and my 2 sisters sleep there). Now, because my brother always fights my father when they are in the same place, our father had no choice but to also sleep in our bedroom (but he's on small sofa-bed) that was supposed to be an only girl's bedroom (we are all adult/ young adults already). This room is too crowded and we do not have our own spaces and privacy. It is also our work station and study station. We annot focus on our designated tasks everyday because this room is too crowded and noisy when all of us are awake. Our tv was also forced to transfer in here because my great brother gets angry when my father is watching tv in sala which is our he's only entertainment. He cussed every little flaw that he finds in this house. He never contributed and help our family. Our father which is already a senior citizen is the one who always do the laundry, cooking of food, throwing of trash, everything. While he was acting like an entitled asshole prince. We can't take his toxicity anymore. We all wish that he will vanish someday and never comeback again. We will be happier family when that day comes. He'so ungrateful and doesn't even go to church and pray. He do not believe in God.

He gave us all mental and emotional trauma and he doesn't even know and care about that. The amount of pain that he put in this family is insane. We are all broken on the inside because of him. We all want to get out of this house just to not experience this everyday hell life with him. We just want peace, solitude, freedom and happines in this family. We do not really know why is he doing all of this to his own family. I cannot count how many times I saw my mom cried because of the life situation of our family right now. Our father is tired of him–we are all tired of him. Everyday, we try to be strong and stay still even with all the problems that we are going through right now. It feels like it's unending suffering. I just want a happier life, why can't I just have it? It's too mich pain. I cannot bare to live this life anymore. I want more for my mom and dad and this family except him. We deserve better. What should I do about this? I don't know what to do anymore.

#family #family problems #toxic family #toxic behavior #toxic brother #anger issues #self centered #brother #pain #suffering #problems #struggle #toxic #need advice

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liloinkoink · 1 year

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lamplight is probably the most ‘successful’ thing i’ve ever written in my life based on the metrics of like, interaction w audience—insane kudos:hits ratio (here to there is literally over 1/2 of ppl who opened it left kudos as of me writing this rn), i’ve made several rlly cool friends thru ppl enjoying it, lots of you have been rlly excited and responsive w ncie comments and tags and asks, some of you have even made art which is insane and is going to make me explode

…yet not a single one of the posts w the actual writing for it has broken 100 notes. the highest is i think 97 at the time of writing this

nothing to really drive home the “numbers/notes aren’t everything, what matters most is meaningful engagement from people around you” thing i’ve been trying to drill into my head the past few months like that

which. i really fuckin appreciate how much you all have been enjoying this au, so. i really cannot state or stress it enough, but thanks to everyone engaging w and enjoying lamplight

#i’m not always super good with words of like. thanks. praise embarrasses me. but it means a lot #also to clarify just to be sure no one misunderstands #not a complaint abt the notes also i am perfectly happy with the engagement lamplight’s gotten #it’s done. So much more than i could have posisbly expected and i’m really grateful #it’s both very humbling and im also rapidly developing s god complex the man upstairs is making active efforts to subdue #says words #lamplight au

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kirbysmasher48 · 2 years

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Lonliness

TW // Suicide mention (wow im actually using TW without irony... who thought that would happen lmao)

You know, over the past 5 or so months, I Had absolutely struggled the hardest I ever have in life; for the first two months, I suffered in silence, and not a single person knew what was going on. Some people had noticed but never really asked if I was doing okay; of course, I would have said "I'm doing fine" anyways, but I really have to thank my friend goob for listing to me when I had a mental breakdown, it was really sudden from his point of view because before this point I was a very jolly and silly guy. However, what had occurred was I had not slept for about 3 to 4 days at this point out of stress and other mental things, I had not been at school for about a month at this point, and he had known, but not as to why. he asks, "why aren't you at school, little guy" (of course in a jokey way, not intended to insult or upset me), but I had just kind of lost it and broke down crying and screaming... now I'm not much of an open guy, so this really shocked him. But instead of just ignoring it and going on, he stayed and listened to me. After about 2 hours of crying out and just saying EVERYTHING that had been going on in my mind, he stayed with me and calmed me down. Let me tell him about all the trauma I had experienced, all the stress I was taken from school, etc., etc. I had even told him about my plans to kill myself; I had genuinely planned on doing it. But thankfully, he was there to talk me out of it. If it was not for him, I would not likely be here right now. He's been with me, helping me sense than in a way no one ever has before; it really really was nice to have a good friend talk to you while you lose it... about 2 months ago, my school finally let me get what I needed after 9 months of begging (it only got really really bad at the beginning of the year, up intill that point I could handle myself well enough) eventually I was able to catch up with the help of him, he would help calm me down when I have a panic attack and actually going fucking insane, I do not know how he was able to keep calm during that, it must have too have been really really scary that someones mental health was being supported by only one guy... eventually as the tides had lowered and things started to calm down. I was able to get from straight F's in every single class to B's in all of them... I then graduated about a week ago or so... I look back and sometimes reflect on how it was. have you ever been in a state where you can't really process how bad something is due to its extremity? That's what it feels like. It's like I'm looking at a wall that just goes up and never ends, and somehow we were able to get over it. It scares me when I look back... but I have to say. I think it was overall a good thing; in its own weird demented way, it taught me that it's okay to be more open about your emotions... I used to have a habit where I would bottle it up. But I mean extremely, like a volcano that's been sealed by the earth, and it had caused me to get to such a bad mental place I had genuinely considered suicide, I have sense burned my note... I'm glad I don't remember what it said on it... but I will say now, I am very, very happy. I'm glad its over, and I coldent have done it wouth him... please anyone reading this, be open about your emotions no matter how negative they are, and if you belive you cant, try and find a professional... i admit it was not smart of me to rely to dump all of my stuff on him, I had told me after the whole ordeal that it had actually caused him quite a bit of stress, but I cannot thank him enough for supporting me not matter what.

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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

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dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas!

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

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disgruntledspacedad · 3 years

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in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...

gif by @quantam-widow

I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?

What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!

I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.

So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.

In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process.

And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.

But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard.

And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode.

He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”

Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.

So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).

So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.

Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.

More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress.

By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it.

Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned.

And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.

Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.

And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high.

It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.

And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.

Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.

But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense.

And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done.

In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.

That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:

Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire.

However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).

But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff.

For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront.

And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).

Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.

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there-are-things-i-dont-forget · 3 years

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SPOILERS FOR CRITICAL ROLE CAMPAIGN 2 BELOW

I just wanted to talk about how much the Mighty Nein and Matt and Critical Role have meant to me over the past few months. I started Campaign 2 in January this year, when I moved out for university and was able to live on my own for the first time. They quite literally saved me, because I cared so much for the setting and the characters and the story that Matt wove and how the players interacted with them that I hung on just to see how it would end.

For me, it was amazing how I could relate the characters to aspects of myself, and how watching them all get their happy endings have made me be able to look forward with a bit more hope.

Let’s start with Beau. I’ll be honest, Marisha’s characters are always the most challenging for me, because of how real they are. Marisha is a stunning actor, incredibly skilled, and Beau was the character I responded to the most as if it was a real person. Everyone else I could enjoy and play into the metagame of watching the players be characters. With Beau and Marisha, it was so real. Moreover, I could see myself reflected in the character (which is probably why I found her so challenging to begin with). Trauma, hurt, being an asshole to other people before they could reject her first. Not the best at compliments, giving in to anger and sarcasm, struggling to connect. And I got to watch her grow, and be accepted, and learn from her mistakes, and be appreciated by who she was, and in the end get vindication on her abusers, and find love and acceptance. Beau’s story is incredibly special to me.

In that same vein is Yasha’s. Manipulated, taken advantage of, forced to do things against her will. Yasha’s story is the one that I can relate to the most, in terms of trauma, and to see her quite literally rip the wings off of her abuser was cathartic in a way that I did not expect, but should have foreseen. And in the end, she also got her happy ending. I’m gonna leave it at that, because any more will make me cry. But I hold her and her character arc so close to my heart.

Liam’s performances are the hardest for me to watch because he feels so much, and I love it. He really gives it all to the scene and it is incredible. Caleb was a character that I overlooked for a bit in the beginning (as Jester had quickly become my favorite), but he quickly climbed as we began to see more of his character and his backstory. Manipulated and groomed by someone he was supposed to be able to trust, forced again to do things against his will, falling in to flashbacks and panic attacks, struggling to rejoin society and interact with others, a love and a passion for learning to a nearly obsessive sense, both for the love of it and for the possibility of gaining the power and strength needed to take back control. Slowly learning to love, to grow, to find friends and see that there can be more to life, that you don’t have to be ruled by your trauma or let it define you, but also still acknowledging it and its effects. But also just how long it takes, and how it can affect you in ways you cannot imagine. He also got his vindication on his abuser, and again, I cried, tears of happiness for him and of grief and hope for me, that one day I might be able to do the same.

Caleb, Yasha, and Beau are the ones I relate to the most because their story is my story, and watching them grow and love means it can happen to me as well. I cannot stress how important and incredible it is for me to realize that. In the more material sense, they all got closure and catharsis against those who hurt them, and they all learned to love again, to open their hearts and let others in again. And that means I can too.

This brings me to the Shadowgast love story. I know this is really controversial for the fandom and I don’t care. For me, their arc was perfectly realistic, and their ending was exactly what I expected for the characters. Finding a kin spirit, learning together, hesitant but trusting in the other’s passion for study at the very least, slowly and naturally growing closer and learning more about each other, revealing more. The betrayal from Essek, the scene on the boat, the slight recoiling on either side, and then learning again, slowly trusting again and teaching each other to forgive themselves, that they were both victims in a sense and that they can take back control and do better, and choose to do better and be better. Slowly healing, and healing together, knowing the worst of each other and choosing to stay but still acknowledging those parts of each other. The scene where they return to the T-Dock and they talk about time travel, and Caleb disintegrates the whole thing? That’s growth, and that’s growing together. And they continue to grow for years, and heal for years, and eventually they end up together, but it takes time. Of course it does. And Essek’s character and this ending really helped me understand some of my own feelings in terms of friendship and romance. Everyone upset that there wasn’t any “on screen” romance or whatever, to me, fundamentally misunderstood the character, especially since his love language does not seem to be physical touch at all (if anything it’s gift giving/acts of service - teleporting the M9 around? Helping Caleb solve the spell? Giving up to dunamis gem to help the M9 get a long rest?). But yeah. Watching characters like that help validate my own experiences in friendship and romance and it was fantastic.

The others I have a bit less in common with, but there’s still stuff to talk about. Veth having her body changed by someone else, something out of her control, feeling alien in this body and struggling to find a sense of self, then finding friends willing to pour everything into helping her be herself again? Fjord learning he is valuable whether or not he has powers/can serve others, that he has worth just as himself, and that that is enough? Those were stories I needed to hear, to know that something like that is possible.

Caduceus growing out of his comfort zone, exploring, learning, but still being a rock for the others (and for the viewers), and "Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential. It’s love that saves them."? Molly’s loyalty and “leave every place better than you found it”? Even if I couldn’t relate directly to the characters didn’t mean they didn’t have an impact, and these are things that I will carry with me always.

Jester. I have just about nothing in common with Jester, and I loved it. Her optimism, her jokes, and her art (including the dicks), just the absolute light and joy that was her character was exactly what I needed to get through some of the toughest times of my life. Watching her grow from episode one to episode 141 was insane, to mature but not lose her creativity and her fun for life. She was my reminder that there is good and light and hope in the world, even if sometimes you have to create it for yourself, and that is what kept me going sometimes.

And finally, Matt. I cannot give enough thanks to you for choosing to share this amazing world and this story with us. Your storytelling is what prompted me to finally put my ideas into writing, and now I’m working on my own book. Along with Jester, Essek is one of my favorites, and his story arc and characterization was incredibly important to me. I truly have no words for how Critical Role and especially you, with the care and passion and obvious love for storytelling that you have, have changed my life. And I cannot thank you enough.

Am I sad that the campaign ended? Maybe a little. I will miss these characters. But I truly believe that Matt ended the campaign at the perfect point, and I loved the final episode, it made incredible sense for the end of the characters (maybe a teeny bit more Marion/Babenon? But I digress). I’m sure Campaign 3 will be just as astounding.

My love and thanks to the cast and crew of Critical Role. Rest well knowing you did a fantastic job, and I’ll see you in campaign 3.

PS: I know there’s a lot of tags, I want to make sure I cover all my bases so people don’t get spoiled if they have these tags blocked because I have been spoiled too many times by people who tag badly.

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rwbyconversations · 5 years

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Rooster Teeth Glassdoor Crunch/Overtime Accusations #AnimatorsFirst

EDIT: Georden Whitman, former creator of Nomad of Nowhere, has come out and publicly confirmed the Glassdoor reviews are true.

Original story:

Rooster Teeth’s Glassdoor reviews have recently made serious allegations against the company, with people who work for the company claiming that the company engages in practices involving heavy crunch periods, a resistance to providing benefits, eighty hour work weeks, a management team trying to justify crunch and unpaid overtime that, according to some, led to as much as a third of RWBY and gen;LOCK’s recent seasons being made effectively for free.

Below are screencaps and exact quotes from the pages. Any emphasis made is done by me.

From May 23rd this year, as written by an employee with three years experience at RT:

Cons

Program scheduling department has no idea how to time budget for animation, has resulted in unnecessary, preventable crunch Company takes on projects that are too big for it to manage effectively Not the highest pay compared to Anim Guild standards Open office space, gets noisy

Advice to Management

Management has been using a weird method to try and deescalate hard feelings about crunch. They’re acting like counselors who are “there to talk” and to try and find “coping mechanisms” to deal with crunch. This is a terrible idea considering that none of them are trained counselors as far as I’m aware, but more-so, they’re obviously going to be biased in favor of what they want from us. It makes me want to communicate with them even less. This past review, my manager criticized me for having “negative energy” during a terrible crunch period where we were working over 80 hrs s week, and told me I should “look for the silver lining” which is just bad advice. Advice to management is to stop pretending you know anything about mental health and also be less passive - fight harder for your team.

From May 13th, an employee with a year’s experience at Rooster Teeth:

Cons

The management is terrible. Artists are lead on with the promises of "full time employment and benefits" dangled in front of them without ever being addressed and ultimately are never given, there is no paid overtime, artists had to fight for their right to time off between productions, and good luck getting any form of benefits despite them being plastered on the wall.

Advice to Management

You're not a group of guys playing halo in your apartment anymore. Please run your business and look at what's happened to it.

From June 11th this year, from an employee who has been working at the company for five years:

Cons

- Extremely poor management (Some of it is negligence, some of it is just accidental from the sheer amount of work. Upper management is also extreme bro/friends club.) - Insanely high expectations (animate a 10-14 min episode in 2 weeks) - Very low compensation (I've worked here for years and make entry pay. Some people have gone MULTIPLE years with no raise) - No overtime pay (Every season of RWBY and GL gets about 1/3 or less made for 'free' because no one gets paid over time and it's not uncommon to work hundreds of hours of overtime) - Toxic work environment (there are a lot of cliques, complaining and even making fun of other people and depts here. It never gets punished so it always happens. Not professional) - You know something is going right when after many complaints HR reminds everyone you have "unlimited" mental health doctor appointments... I could honestly go on and on like an emo on Myspace in 2007 but I'll reign it in. I'll leave it at this since I've seen many fans read these and be skeptical. It's not great. You can deny it but there is a lot of evidence if you just accept it. And the reason you work here is cus you get stuck and are promised "It'll get better". The work is low quality (hard to get jobs elsewhere), pay is low (can't save money) and life/work balance is a joke. We have a bit of balance now but it's only for a couple months out of the year when production isn't in full swing. Then it's back in the meat grinder.

Advice to Management

You NEED to listen to the workers and make hard decisions and actually fight for better conditions. It's been far far too long of "it'll get better" or "we know what to do next year". This isn't sustainable and I think we all know it. But someone has to be the guy to say "no" when things aren't good enough. If you don’t say no, hundreds of people suffer. Please.

From May 18th:

Cons

Crunch has gotten to an unacceptable level. Productions have been completed with over half of total hours unpaid overtime, especially impacting the comp and editing department. Management cares more about their ego than the quality of the work they put out— letting the crunch caused by their irresponsible decisions fall solely on the shoulders of the artists while they enjoy a forty hour work week. Pay is laughable compared with the amount of mandated, unpaid hours of labor. No career advancement, and contract workers are given empty promises of full time employment before being shown the door once production is done.

Advice to Management

Stop saying the crunch issue is “getting better” or that you’re “working on it”, and start actually owning up to your mistakes.

From May 19th:

Cons

-A lot of employees brought on, if not all, before the last development cycle were promised permanent positions after a 90 day trial period. As those dates approached those artists saw no change, asking their leads what was going on. The guidance from higher ups was vague at best, and some felt like they had been forced to lie to employees during the interview process. - A lot of processes went over-scope due to poor planning. -Lack of actual production experience in the management side of things is no longer something that can be glossed over as the company tries to take on more industry vetted employees. -Crunch is extreme and overtime is not compensated for, nor is that time given back in any fair amount.

Advice to Management

-Clear and concise communication -Re-structure your upper level management

From May 12th:

Cons

Crunch here is out of control. No Paid OT. Expect to work A LOT for free. 70-80 hour work weeks. Mandatory 10-12 hour work days sometimes with no days off. Management is more interested in telling you what you want the hear as opposed to the truth.

Advice to Management

Fix the crunch issue and stop saying 'we're working on it'.... because you're not. Layoffs are certain. Will layoff bad employees and good employees in the same breath, completely eliminating any reason to work as hard as you're required to do. Fix your transparency issue and stop overworking your employees otherwise your reputation will severely suffer.

From April 5th:

Cons

-No paid overtime. -Crunch is a major problem in the animation department due to unrealistic deadlines, poor planning, and indecisiveness. (Mandatory 10 to 12 hour days for multiple months are common.) -Stress levels are often very high due to harsh deadlines -Some of the producers tend to lie. -Promotions are used as a morale booster, not actual career advancement. -Hardly any time for Professional Development -Professionalism can be a bit scarce (for example people would draw penises on the boards throughout the studio)

Advice to Management

-Management needs to seriously figure out how to deal with the crunch issue. A question was asked at an all hands meeting: "How are you going to handle crunch this year?" Instead of giving a clear answer, the head of the RT animation department completely dodged the question. If you don't know how you are going to tackle a problem, try saying, "I don't know. I will get back with you ASAP." Then actually pursue a solution to the problem. Dodging questions makes you look shady and untrustworthy. -Improve production plans and make sure you have enough resources to complete your projects. If you are going to work on two shows at the same time, then you need to double ALL of your teams along the pipeline, not just one. If you can barely get one project done with your current resources, you certainly cannot finish two. If you can't get the resources needed to complete the projects, then it's probably best to keep them small or to simply not do them at all. Pushing your teams beyond the breaking point is not the wisest decision. If you continue with your overambitious ways, it will backfire in the long run. Telltale Games' closure and Bioware's Anthem debacle are examples of what's to come if you do not improve your production practices and get crunch under control. -Get more training on how to manage people. There are plenty of programs out there that can help management understand how to work with various types of personalities. There were some situations where I noticed that some leads and producers simply did not know how to talk to a person when there was a problem. Despite all of the criticism I just wrote, I feel the majority of who work at Rooster Teeth Productions are decent people. However, the management is just terrible. Put some of that ambition you have into fixing your problems internally instead of putting it into meeting those unrealistic deadlines.

From March 25th:

Cons

- Massive amounts of unpaid overtime. All while touting the importance to the company of a life/work balance. They promise to give you the time back, but it will be impossible to take. - Management is just a joke. They can’t schedule or stay on track to save their lives. Total amateur hour. - Zero followthrough on promises made. How about a pizza party? - Pay much lower than standard. Don’t expect real raises. Promotions with increased responsibilities don’t come with comparable pay bumps. - Most promises of advancement and opportunities are hollow wishful thinking. - Almost zero followthrough with meaningful investment in employee education. You can access a Udemy account and that’s about it. - Management will blame the artists instead of taking responsibility and will even through people under the bus to cover themselves. - Internet celebs are more valuable than artists. - Their awards are called “cockbite of the month/year” and it’s what they call their employees. You may not want to be called that but that’s too bad. It’s their culture. A few guys draw penises everywhere to be funny. - Not very much diversity in management. Feels like you need to be a straight white male to be appreciated.

Advice to Management

Hire some actual seasoned industry professionals to upper management in Animation. And demonstrate there are some consequences for them, instead of taking it out on employees.

From April 11th:

Cons

-Overtime, and hours will cause any person to slowly become something they don't like. -Management is typically made up of "talent" and treats other employees poorly, not to mention 0 years of previous managerial experience. -Management also blames other employees for the problems they create, and don't show actual leadership. -Echo chambers within management. -Stress levels incredibly high -Lack of professionalism

Advice to Management

-Get rid of "talent" in managerial roles, it's clear they're costing the company serious problems and money. The ones who end up being hurt are the employees who knew and constantly warned about problems ahead of time that were ignored. If the company stays the same a huge incident is bound to follow. -Try to respect creatives that aren't "talent" within the company as well. It's clear management doesn't and goes against the entirety of the company's "core values." those who have had previous industry experience should be listened to and considered instead of being shrugged off and given responses like "Well that's just how we do things." -Collaboration doesnt seem to exist for a majority of managment here. If this one massive change happens the company could really grow far and do much more than create crude content with a lack of care/heart for the final product. -If people are able to sleep and have a normal schedule more thoughtful input will also happen, and your content can only get better. -A multitude of people and lives have been hurt from management at this company, from in house employees being mentally abused to freelancers that are ghosted. So many immature and poor practices have taken place within the animation department I'm amazed a lawsuit has yet to happen. -Management should be leaders not bosses.

It’s almost darkly funny that most of the positives are just “They give you free food on Mondays and the people are nice.”

But these are all from just the last year alone. Most reviews from before the start of 2019 don’t speak of crunch barring one from April 2018, one from March 2018 and one from June. This is a problem that has been affecting Rooster Teeth for at least an entire year, and since the start of the new year, the problem has magnified tenfold. Most reviews mention that the heads of departments are aware of the crunch and unpaid overtime but refuse to do anything about it beyond offering platitudes or dodging the question on what the company is going to actually do to fix the crunch problem.

Crunch is a problem plaguing many companies, especially in the western hemisphere. In gaming development there’s a story nearly every month about what apathetic upper management think they can get away with by forcing employees to spend dozens of hours every week slaving away on their product. I hoped that Rooster Teeth would not be one of these companies, but I am saddened to see that they were not.

Crunch’s negative effects on mental and physical health have been well documented, alongside the basic fact that crunch isn’t worth it and doesn’t work. Employees forced to crunch are unable to work as well as employees who are well rested and have time to go home to their families.

To anyone working these impossible crunch hours at Rooster Teeth right now, I hope your suffering ends soon, that eventually basic human empathy wins out and hours are lessened while you receive your just rewards for your work.

For @roosterteeth? This is appalling and a slap in the face to the fanbase you conned into thinking that you were a company that cared for everyone within as a huge family. Your entire management team should be ashamed of the environment you signed off on. No profit margin is worth the suffering you have subjected your crew to. Shame on you.

As a fan of RWBY, it disgusts me that a product I enjoy was made through blood, sweat and tears. And as a fan of RWBY, I wish to make a public call to the fanbase, be it on Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter or Youtube. I want to make a public statement to Rooster Teeth that we are willing to wait longer for new shows if it means that they are made ethically. I can’t in good conscience support a product if it was made by putting the workers through hell. Maybe I can’t change anything on my own, maybe ultimately we’ll just be ignored, but I refuse to stand by and stay silent on the matter, maybe even get Rooster Teeth to make changes in their workflow (I won’t say “I hope they respond” because they seem to respond in-house to complaints about crunch without ever actually changing anything)

I encourage you to share this around as much as you can. Share the accounts of the Glassdoor reviews as far and as wide as you can. We love and enjoy media, we love the people who make it- the animators, editors, writers and voice actors, and we as a community want them to not have to resort to RT’s seemingly unlimited mental health coverage or “find a coping mechanism to deal with crunch.” As much as it pains me to admit, I’d rather see RWBY die instead of seeing continue to be made on the back of crunch.

Thank you for reading. Again, I encourage you to share this around as much as you can. Let your voice be heard if you stand against this.

#rwby #Rooster Teeth #Genlock #crunch #overtime #glassdoor #georden whitman #nomad of nowhere

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flockofdoves · 3 years

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i feel really really weird this week. trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. like its certainly not the first time i’ve felt like this in my life but ive just not had my emotions so . not numbed? in so long or felt like crying totally unprompted or felt vaguely angry at random shit in a certain sort of way (which for something new then makes me feel super guilty because i used to be bad with how i went about anger and i guess i never really fully learned how to practice being normal about it i just started constantly suppressing it along with every other emotion so seeing myself angry about inconsequential shit even if im not acting on it makes me feel awful like people are potentially seeing my reaction to them when its not a justified thing even if i dont think i’m doing anything). like sure those were super normal in past parts of my life. maybe even in the context of my job which i guess i only quit just like 7 months ago now even if i otherwise felt numb through the year before that too. and not something surprising to emerge again bc it has in the past year too but just maybe not so much at once but on top of that just feel a bit paranoid about stuff like people reading my mind or bugs crawling on me (or imagining sensations like that or seeing that or w/e)

i guess in typing all this out when i think about it the one time i felt like this this past half year that i can think of (or at least pretty similar and notable in the way i felt weird minus the anger. actually i didnt feel angry til the past few days so i think thats just at like. being around someone whos made vaguely bigoted comments that i’m affected by but then feeling guilty for reading the worst into unrelated shit bc of that making me feel unsafe) is when my brothers girlfriend visited. and now this past couple weeks she visited and then my uncle visited and then my moms friend visited and in general just theres more invitations to see other people even not staying w us bc everyones vaccinated.

so i guess the biggest factor throughout all of that is like. having to get used to interacting with people that i havent interacted with much in this past over 2 years of being isolated while also simultaneously having my daily routines disrupted by that a bit?? which feels absolutely insane to me that that would have That disproportional of an effect and be something i really did not even know how to attribute at all until typing this out right now. like i really appreciate and have fun with a lot of those people its not bc i dislike them or literally anything like that i think this is just a bit of a deranged unexpected side effect of whatever fucking stage of isolation i’m at where instead of just feeling really stilted in conversation or feeling like i dont know how to normally talk to people or accidentally crying while talking to people or oversharing and being awkward like i have at various times throughout my 2 years and 4 months of isolation when i had brief periods of interacting with people i cared about and/or people around my age again, while sure a lot of that is still somewhat happening (but not the crying in conversation, that was once when i got to see friends from college once literally right before i really realized the pandemic was starting and i couldnt keep visiting after not seeing them for a year before then. i just havent seen any of those friends since) i think its like. not knowing at all how to act normally around people but also not being as used to the people i am newly interacting with while my routines interrupted so whether i want to make a good impression around them in spite of that or am trying to be normal about feeling upset about shit people i dont know well but cant just not be around say or whatever ig it just like. flares up my anxieties about what can tell from what i say or how theey take me and all that leads to intrusive thoughts and paranoia about not just giving off the wrong conversational things but literally people reading my mind and judging me for intrusive thoughts recursive cycle etc and all that just makes me feel exhausted and unsafe and useless and whatever etc and maybe subconsciously is bringing up a lot of reocurring emotional shit i’ve dwelled on but not cried about much at all this past half year idk. plus i’m just stressed about how much i really want to get done before starting to move and go back to school.

makes sense in explaining most of it in typing it out right now but nonetheless dont like that. isolation has had a lot of awful effects on me (literally i know i’m talking to so many other people in the world now with that its nothing special lol. ‘i was doing this for a year prepandemic’ is a stupid thing to emphasize 1 year is horrible enough and it just blends together) and i’ve long been terrified thinking about how it could be affecting me in more unforeseen and/or longterm ways but i think i was thinking i had a general sense of how my trouble with interacting with people again would manifest and i really dont like seeing that like. i literally did not fucking know how to connect my emotions and other shit recently to that til right now. better than not connecting it at all of course but i dont like it feeling so unconnected. in general have been very disconnected from emotions even outside of social interaction type stuff so of course thats something to work on too but idk just scary to realize maybe i dont even know the general shape of how my trouble “reintegrating into society” is gonna look like lol. and while i’m hoping it will feel better (but honestly probably a lot more intense emotions even if positive) with realizing this know i really even more cannot even begin to imagine how seeing people ive been close to in the past again will end up going when i get to that

#cpost

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linkspooky · 4 years

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Shigaraki Distortion Dissocation

In My Hero Academia chapters are titled with “The Origin” or “Origin” when they signifiy both a change in that character’s motivations and also detail where those motivations came from. Most major characters so far have had one origin chapter, Shigaraki has had three and a distortion chapter. Shigaraki Tomura and Shimura Tenko have two different origin chapters, as if they are two different people.

This distortion that Tenko experiences has a real life medical term. It’s called “Dissociation.” It’s a sense of disconnect from the world around you, and even from yourself. More on how Shigaraki shows symptoms of Dissociation under the cut, especially in terms of how he handles his identity.

1. Shigaraki Tomura Distortion

Shigaraki is primarily characterized by the sense of disconnect he feels from the world around him. We see these traits manifest in several ways. One, he almost always uses game terminology when talking about real life problems in front of him. Viewing everything through the lens of a game allows him to distance himself one layer away further from reality.

It’s important to remember that Shigaraki’s world has consisted of the one room that All for One gave him for most of his life. That’s not to say that Shigaraki is not capable of leaving his room, or engaging in the outside world, he’s smart enough to fake it if he needs to.

However, he clearly was raised right under All for One’s thumb. Most of his interactions outside the world of his room were violent, ie getting attacked by random delinquints. When a child leaves their house to go to school for the day, when they play with friends, when they talk to other adults they are engaging in the outside world.

It’s clear Shigaraki’s main way of connecting with the world outside of his room has either been through the newspaper clippings and news of heroes he studies laboriously over, or the video games he picked up as a hobby. Video games are a form of escapism and really the only thing Shigaraki had outside of that room. His world has been so insular for so long, that the outside world might as well not exist. Therefore, Shigaraki feels that disconnect, therefore he can treat it just like the fictional world of a video game.

This is something Deku comments on exactly, and even brings up his method of using gamespeak of an example: That people cannot relate to or understand Shigaraki in any way. They cannot accept any part of him. That is how distant Shigaraki is from other people.

Shigaraki cannot feel anything from the world around him. He cannot engage with it in any way. All of these aspects of daily life that everyone else has, just reminds him how much of an outsider he is. His dissocioation is so strong that he feels there’s literally no place for him anywhere in the world.

Dissociation is a break in how the mind handles information. It’s a disconnect from thoughts, feelings, memories, surrounding, and it blurs the boundary lines of identity and pereption. This “distortion”, this break in identity that made Shimura Tenko into Shigaraki Tomura is clear dissoiation.

Shimura Tenko and Shigaraki Tomura have two different names. For awhile Shigaraki did not have any of Shimura’s memories, and acted vastly different from Tenko. While I would not say that Shigaraki has full blown Dissociative Identity disorder (often people don’t fall into neat little diagnosis categories). He shows several symptoms in common with it. Dissociative Identity Disorder develops in cases involving severe abuse at a young age. He may not have DID but he clearly is somewhere vaguely in the group known as Dissociation Disorders which can include Dissociative Amnesia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Depersonalization Disorder.

It develops often as a coping mechanism that a person uses to disconnect from a stressful or traumatic situation, or to separate traumatic memories from normal awareness. It was a break in a connection with the outside world, to create disatance and awareness of what is occuring. This is a way of coping, dissociating extremely painful memories from everyday thought processes is used so the person could continue to function.

Shigaraki Tomura has a different name from Shimura Tenko. He has vastly differeng goals, Shimura Tenko wanted to be a hero, Shigaraki Tomura lives to destroy heroes. Their personalities are also different, you could even say that Shigaraki developed a violent streak to compensate for Shimura Tenko who could only cry and do nothing as he was abused. While Shigaraki Tomura may not be a full blown altar, he at least has several elements in common with one. (Note most alters are not violent, in real life people with mental illness are more likely to be the victim of violence).

Shigaraki clearly suffers from a dissociative disorder. His main method of coping, that is continuing to function has been to sever away his incredibly violent memories of the past and his own feelings from himself. Shigaraki Tomura may not be an alter to Shimura Tenko, but it’s clear from the violent way his body reacts to his own traumatic memories, almost as if rejecting him, that Shimura Tenko had to become Shigaraki Tomura in order to continue on living. We literally see depcitions of his mind framgenting and breaking in the art itself.

That’s what dissocation is. His mind is not breaking because he’s twisted, or insane. His mind is fragmenting to try to keep him functioning, because a five year old literally just cannot process the stress of having been abused, and then killing his entire family.

2. Shigaraki Tomura Origin

So therefore we see, Shigaraki Tomura was created by Shimura Tenko’s dissociation. They may not be two different people, but the person Shigaraki is now is the result of him always having to distance himself from his own traumatic memories since he was five years old.

Dissociation is an adaptive response to a threat, and it is a form of “freezing.” (x). It is a strategy used when running is not an option. People shut down or retreat inside of themselves. It’s a normal trauma response, however it becomes a problem when it is the only method of coping. Shigaraki has been dissociating since he was five years old, and he is in a way frozen.

He’s literally never allowed himself to heal all this time. So, the feelings from his wounds when he was five years old remain even now. He’s trying to live while constantly carrying around those hurt feelings that he has no idea how to process inside of him, and because of that his literal only way to remain even remotely functional is to constantly distance himself from his own feelings.

What Shigaraki is describing is Dissociation. He feels everything at once, and then nothing, because when Shigaraki re-exposes himself to his trauma over and over again he literally has no idea how to process those feelings so he just doens’t feel them. All of the symptoms that Shigaraki displays have connections to symptoms of Dissociation.

Memory loss (amnesia) of certain time periods, events, people and personal information. [x]

Shigaraki experiences memory loss, and notice the blurry person in his memory is not his sister. The person he is forgetting is himself. Because Shigaraki in trying to escape the guilt of what he did to his family, is continually destroying his own identity. He distances himself from who he was in the past, and thus Tenko in the flashback is just a black silhouette. He is not there, even in his own memories, those memories do not belong to him.

Shigaraki also shows stress induced flashbacks, several times. Including in this fight against the league, when he’s talking with Midoriya, his dissociation allows his perception of time and his own memories to blur around him.

A perception of the people and things around you as distorted and unreal

Shigaraki perceives the events around him as if preceeding in a game. He vividly hallucinates these distortions in reality, and when he becomes stressed (lack of sleep, fighting constantly for a month) his perception gets worse and worse.

Significant stress or problems in your relationships, work or other important areas of your life. Inability to cope well with emotional or professional stress

Shigaraki is always in extreme stress. He’s constantly exposing his body to stress, and has almost nowhere to vent those feelings which is why he turns to random destruction. In the past when Shigaraki was still isolated, he even took it out on the people who were supposed to be his comrades and it was almost impossible for him to form close relationships with them, he literally tried to kill Dabi and HImiko on sight for annoying him, and then he threw a tantrum and stormed out when Kurogiri would not let him.

Shigaraki just does not have a strong sense of connection with himself, or his own emotions. His emotions and trauma are so strong it’s almost impossible for him to feel it in any way, he would break into pieces, so he’s been dissociating all this time. He’s like a sieve that has to let all of the sand bits fall out, otherwise he would overflow.

The number one criticism that every villain, Rikiya, Stain, Chisaki and even Midoriya has for Shigaraki is that he has no sense of self. He has been told this over and over again, that he’s empty, that he’s insane, that he has no reason for doing what he’s doing.

Shigaraki has not developed fully as a person. Due to his dissocation, he cannot be his own person with his own thoughts and feelings. He cannot handle that the same way everybody else can. However, at the same time the world has never allowed Shigaraki to be his own person. Ever since he was young he’s been denied over and over again who he is by other people. Shimura Tenko is denied. Shigaraki Tomura is told he’s worthless, he has no motivation, he has no feelings and nothing he will do will amount to anything.

The entire world is denying him as a person now, the same way his father’s house did. The world will never let Shigaraki Tomura be a person. So, it’s no wonder that he wants to destroy it.

#mha meta #shigaraki tomura meta #league of villains meta #league of villains #shigaraki tomura #shimura tenko #my hero academia #my hero academia analysis #my hero academia theory #meta

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thesunnyshow · 4 years

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Name: Alison O’Brien

Writing Blog URL(s): @httpangelicjimin

What fandom(s) do you write for?: BTS, although I wouldn’t mind writing for other groups. Often, I have other idols that make cameos in my stories.

Age: 21

Nationality: Portuguese + French

Languages: Portuguese + French + English + Spanish

Star Sign: Leo

MBTI: ENFJ

Favorite color: pastel blue

Favorite food: pizza no doubt

Favorite movie: I’m gonna have to be a sucker and say monster’s inc. bc who doesn’t love Pixar

Favorite ice cream flavor: I’d say coffee, tho I love a good ol’ chocolate ice cream

Favorite animal: wolf, it’s my spirit animal

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?: Coffee, for sure. Iced coffee or mocha

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): Ever since I was little I always wanted to be a singer but I guess I’m too shy for that ahah so I’d either say writing or advertising.

Go-to karaoke song: Break My Heart by Dua Lipa

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?: The ability to change shape at will.

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose?: The Victorian Era sounds brilliant to me. I would be a sucker for the dresses. Although, I also would’ve loved to be able to live in the ’20s. Great Gatsby made me dream countless times of all the amazing parties, with jazz playing in the background. The fashion was impeccable, and of course, to be alive at the same time as F. Scott Fitzgerald. I could even run into him at one of those glamorous parties.

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?: I don’t think I would. Life has taught me some valuable lessons along the way but I was happy. Even when surrounded by those who didn’t have the best intentions in mind. If I had known all that I know now, I wouldn’t have lived as freely and carelessly as I did. I cherish those memories, even if they weren’t the best for me.

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken?: Alright so… that’s a weird one. And what makes it weirder is that people have made that same question with me; it was either one horse-sized me, or 100 me-sized horses. Huh… I do have some background with chickens chasing after me, so I’d go with the 100 chicken-sized horses.

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been?: I would 100% be the sucker that falls for the bad boy… ah… how I miss the high school bad boys.

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures?: I don’t. Although I have no problem getting lost in those amazing universes where such creatures exist.

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?: I absolutely love mango-flavored things but I cannot eat mango. Just the texture of the fruit…. Yuck.

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?: I write everything. So far, in the 2 years, I’ve been writing, I have experienced a little bit of everything. I think writing all those genres are important to complement the story.

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?: I never wrote anything that was mxm but I am ok with that. Besides, I have two stories out with an OC and the others are mostly with female readers, mostly because I write thinking about me with a member or one of my friends.

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr?: I was already using Tumblr to read other people’s work. When the thought of starting my own writing blog came to mind, it seemed the most logical option to use. I have only recently learned about AO3 so… yeah, Tumblr seemed the most “at reach” app.

When did you post your first piece?: The first thing I wrote was called Wonder and was posted on a private blog. I started writing it a couple of days after Euphoria by Jungkook BTS came out.

What inspires you to write?: Everyday situations are always a good base for me. I like to write moments that I have gone through. Besides that, I find inspiration on movies and tv shows and some Pinterest albums. Sometimes it’s just a random thought that comes to mind ehe

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?: I’d say college/high school aus. I did a collab with another writer from a college au and it was a lot of fun. Additionally, I have some wips I am meaning to work on and will soon be presented on my blog!

What do you hope your readers take away from your work?: I think that I wanted them to feel okay. Life can get pretty hard and reading, for me, has always been like a getaway. So, whenever I write, I hope that I can distract my readers from whatever is happening in the real world.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively?: Whenever I’m struggling in life, it’s almost as if I lose my ability to write. I get really stressed, especially when I set deadlines. I try my hardest to push through. I believe that writing, even if it’s not to our liking, is better than doing nothing. I try to read more, to sleep better, and to seek inspiration.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful?: I don’t think I have a “most successful” work. I am pretty recent to Tumblr and am still growing bit by bit. As for my favorite, I’d probably say Dr. Love. It started out as a fun Valentine’s Day fanfic and I have some good stuff outlined.

Who is your favorite person to write about?: As I said, I love to find inspiration in my friends. Getting the feedback and how much they enjoyed reading what I wrote really is a heartwarming feeling.

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose?: I don’t think they are so different. Because when writing fanfiction, you’re not obliged to go 100% with the idol’s personality you’re writing. You have the freedom to marvel around in the worlds you create and make them do whatever you feel like would work best. So sometimes, it can be just like creating a whole new character from scratch.

What do you think makes a good story?: There’s a lot of things that are needed to make a good story. I mostly value the storyline. I don’t like it when things are rushed and prefer to read something others may find unnecessary but get more context. I love the small little details about characters that make me relate and emphasize with them. Also, a plot twist. I love to read stories that completely blow my mind and catch me off guard. Creativity is everything.

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?: Why not? I don’t have a problem with giving different names to my characters as long as the story stays the same.

What is your writing process like?: I prefer to write at night. But, as I said before, sometimes there’s just an urge to write and I have to grab my laptop, or even the pull out the notes on my phone and type out some words for the story I’m currently working on. I try to create a coherent storyline as well. Plus, I have an amazing beta reader that always helps me with the plot and hears my ideas and complements them.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?: I love the typical “good girl falls for bad guy” trope. I don’t care if it’s cliché, I just love it. Although, I hate those where the girl is portraited as weak and as if she would ever be completely happy and fulfilled if the guy is by her side; as if she’s helpless without him. Girl power you know? Aha

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?: It means A LOT. I think there’s no better feeling than receiving a piece of feedback, despite how small it might be. There’s always room for improvement and just the simple fact to know that someone took the time to read my work and found it interesting enough to send me their thoughts, I really cherish it.

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)?: I believe that my growth for the past months I’ve been on Tumblr could be due to how active I am. I always try to engage with the people I follow and even when I’m not posting my works, I try to be around. I have big dreams for my blog and hope to one day have a large audience to read my stories, but for now, I am happy with the ones by my side already.

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged?: Yes. A lot of people think that fanfic writers are mostly horny/crazy teens that are obsessed with some famous wannabe that couldn’t even care less for their existence. I think that’s one of the biggest issues with how society sees us. But I consider those to be amongst older people (perhaps 40+yo).

Do you think art can be a medium for change?: Of course. Art is one of the most personal ways of showing emotions, I believe. Being brave enough to show with the world your creations takes courage and I admire those who do it proudly. Art can be interpreted in so many ways; it overcomes all the barriers that there might be.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?: The feeling can get to me sometimes but I immediately shut that down. There was a time when I was forcing myself to write things I didn’t appreciate or that didn’t follow my storyline just to make others happy and I had to give up on those projects quickly because it was driving me insane. I strongly believe that if we don’t write what we are passionate about, it will either come out sloppy or we will hate it. Writing what we like, even if some might consider it bad, is what we should do.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?: I don’t think so. Although, I don’t receive as much feedback as I’d like to, so I’m not certain.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?: Only my boyfriend does and he’s totally cool with it ehe

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?: A big big thank you! I am so happy to have you here and I hope you can take some time to read over my works ehe I am always open to talk if anyone needs~

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?: Just do it!!! I know there are so many great writers out there and you might feel like you would bring nothing to the game but that’s not true. You don’t need to be scared ok? It will be alright. Just give it a chance. There was a time where I was scared too and now I have made so many great friends and meet so many great people through my writing. You can make it too!

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr?: No.

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?: Yess!! I have made so many friends thanks to Tumblr! I mostly have to thank the amazing people of @bangtan-headquarters for accepting me into their network and making me part of their discord server. I’m not going to be @/ing everyone but I know I have made friends whom I will forever keep in my heart uwu

Pick a quote to end your interview with: “Life has no limitations, except the ones you make.” - Les Brown

#httpangelicjimin #episode 27 #thesunnyshow #featured author #bts #bangtan

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