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herseraphwings · 3 months

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18+ A Glimpse Into The Most Intense Sexual Encounter Of Your Lifetime😈💦🍆🍑

It's been months & I had to step away from Tumblr to focus on business! I'm sorry to those who took the poll and didn't get the readings! Here is a steamy pick a card to make up for it. Hopefully I can contribute more pick a pile's to this side of Tumblr more consistently now!

All original works posted on this platform are copyrighted. Unauthorized use or reproduction without permission is prohibited. This pick a pile/image/card is meant to give you an idea of what the most steamy and intense sexual encounter of your life will be. This encounter could be at any point! Enjoy!

Minors DNI!!

✨This will be a creative writing pick a card✨

Pile #1

Your Song: Love Is Stronger Than Pride - Sade

Prime Lyric: “I can’t hate you, though I have tried.”

It's a shame this is happening here.

The cold of the marble countertop against your exposed skin sends quivers up your spine and frissons of blessed goosebumps across the curve of your rear. A warm but equally gentle and rough hand cups your derriere while twin digits grip your jawline. Timeless lips suckle at your needy neck as you draw in unsteady breaths, grasping at the walls to support the arch of your back. Thick, honeyed lust pools lower and lower with the current of your strong but fluttering heart, drawing your thighs together like aching soft magnets. Just a few minutes ago, there was gnashing of teeth and an attempted divergence witnessed by the Gods as a spectacled exchange of bitter thoughts raised like christened knives against your throats.

It was the supposed last stand. The conclusion of your story, where you're completely, utterly, officially separated.

But as you both faced off on your war-torn battlefront for the last time, you were ambushed. Your armageddon was due to rear its ugly head and place the four horsemen of pride, betrayal, uncertainty, and, sadly enough, money issues on all sides of your connection. But surprisingly, those demons watched from up high. For the Devil always has a trick up its sleeve. This isn't the first time you've launched into battle and escaped bloodied. But it is the first time the warzone has turned sanctuary- nestling you, cuts, bruises, and all to its tempting bosom.

What better way to fight than to fuck?

Now, your limbs are entangled while you paw at each other, vulnerable and mutilated by past sins in the bathroom of a mutual acquaintance. Hands you caressed and caressed a million lives over now grab you with need. A need for understanding. Atonement. Rehabilitation. A need to strip you even more bare than their painful words could leave you because it's you. It's always been you. You're the one that chips at their inescapable pride.

You do this to them- challenge them to be better and tear them down to be much worse when they've failed you.

Heady kisses trace down your neck to your collarbone, all the way down, planting seeds of love; another could never hope to see bear tempering fruit like they could, down to where the heat of all you could ever want and need rests eagerly within the cage of your thighs. "

“Open your legs.”, They look up to you and whisper; their voice tickling you with vibratory lust.

As you part, you feel teasing nips and pecks mark your sensitive skin with seductive swirling licks to echo, shifting deeper to the core of your desire until a pleasant moan escapes you.

You're not sure if you'll leave your tryst hand in hand or even on the same accord, but you at least know one thing. You both can rip profound emotions out of the other- deep from the marrow. Day or night. Spring or fall. You won't worry if that's a good or bad thing for now because as they beckon your climax to greet them at the edge of their greatest weapon against you, the past pain loses its power.

Every precise movement of their tongue is like perfect jolts of electricity through your body. Fuck they know you so fucking well.

Their soft lips and hums of pleasure in pleasuring you are where the true power lies. The sensual dance of their fingers strokes at your sweet spot, but the sudden rustle of the door knob snaps you back to reality. Shit! You shouldn't be doing this here. Before you allow sense to overshadow the moment,the heat builds as your moans grow more intense. You're grateful for the ruckus on the other side of the wall. You sense them smirk beneath you and lock eyes with an individual who is determined to pluck at the strings of your desire until they're taught, and muffled screams rain down on them in a frenzied zenith. Passerby be damned. Once they've drunk enough of you, you'll be ready to return the favor with equal vigor.

This moment is a storm. Just like your love. A great and terrible storm. Strong enough to tear through villages of memories built on the foundations of a long connection. And just like you have weathered many before as enemies and lovers, these moments provide enough energy to brace yourselves for inclement weather.

The soul beneath you loves you harder as you writhe, faster, stronger until your beautiful climax hits you like a truck.

It's such a fucking shame this is happening here.

You see red. Are you back on the battlefield?

The Devil rises slowly to lay a peck at your ear and whispers, "There's a thin line between love and hate."

Notes:

This person is may come off as moody or too passionate for others. You have been together for a while at the time of this experience.

At the time of your encounter they are struggling with money.

You are separated, but attempt to find common ground at a social event

This may be the direct doing of a friend.

I don’t subscribe to the concept of twin flames personally, but this person may truly be your twin flame.

Your relationship with them at the time may be so deep that any little act that may harm the other can blow up to extremes because the feelings run too deep. There’s so much passion!

Thank you for allowing me the honor to read/write for you, Pile 1!✨ Follow for more readings like this!

Pile #2

Your Song: Hours - FKA Twigs

Prime Lyric “ Who’d have thought, I’d be in your mouth, loud and clear?

I once read that the best love stories are the ones that start with two people who can't stand each other.

At the time, I thought it a stretch of fictitious delusion. Understand me, Rosaline. I've had my fair share of entertainment from the comedic tropes I've watched on my various screens and read in books, but that's because the hands that pressed pen to paper or finger to keyboard behind the scenes knew how to write a good story.

There is power in prose.

We can all agree that the prodigal hate fuck always satisfies an audience. But that's not real to me.

How you eclipse the moonlight of the bedroom window to stand naked before me as the birth of Aphrodite itself is real to me. It's more vivid than any lucid dream or waking hallucination I could conjure in my insanity for you. How you languidly stalk towards the edge of the bed and make prey of me as your supple breasts softly and teasingly bounce is real to me.

I've never known anyone to be so graceful as they lower themselves to their knees.

The throbbing ache of anticipation you draw out of me as your hands open the gate of my thighs, and your beautiful face rests at the threshold of me is real to me. That first gasp-inducing sweet lick followed by the sacred scent of your hair penetrating my nostrils is intoxicating. And, the taste of me on your lips as you pause to greet me before you take me to church is so enchantingly real.

Why? Because the most striking and tangible things of this world aren't isolated to what we can experience with the five senses. It's the things that shake us, move us, change us, and stir something profound within us that is true. We don't even have to understand the why at first.

And oh, how you stir the most primal and obsessive urges within me.

I raise a quivering hand to caress your crown as you lick, nip, and tease my most erogenous areas, but you smack my hand away in a warning. Your eyes pierce mine, and you remind me that you are untouchable.

You remain as unattainable as the day I met you.

In the beginning, that side of you was cruel. You were so severe. So chaste. A person who seemed to constantly move the goalpost as I chased and chased. Our story was an epic on the destructive nature of gravity. I wanted to be your orange moon as your sunlight cast down upon me, but your pull always threatened to consume and scorch me if I dared to neighbor you. Your glares were like ice, and your mouth spat fire at anything that had something to do with me. It must have been something that I said. But I was no child, and neither were you. We cut the bullshit and found the necessary 60 seconds to get clarity.

Now, we're very clear on one another. Our vision is 20/20, and God, if you aren't magnificent. The noises you make as your tongue continues its assault on me are provocative, eliciting moans from the bottom of my throat while my eyes roll back and my hips writhe beneath you. Vibrations emanate from your lips as you moan in response to how you undo me, slurping and licking at me deeper and faster to build on your high. Your hands grip me tighter, locking onto the soft of my thighs, not because you need to hold me down but because you want to anchor yourself. The sensual masochist in you knows how badly you want to slowly snake your hand down to feel the wet heat of your trembling cunt- but she won't let you.

It's the idea that someone like me would beg for the opportunity to just lay beneath and watch you as you gave yourself the depraved release you will forever deserve that drives your lust. In these moments, I'm the one lucky fool under your spell who gets to have a taste of you, but only under your rules.

That is why tonight is extra special because I agreed to let you do everything that you wanted to do to and or on me, and to be honest, your fantasies are not as wild as you think.

As my climax overtakes me, I gaze back down at you and admire your work.

You may see me as a fool, but I am a victor.

The same person that insulted me, frowned at me and rejected me is the same person that now in a delicious turn of events

has my cock down their throat.

Notes:

This person is someone that may have chased you or made you chase them

You both misunderstood each other and miscommunicated frequently, for some to the point that you couldn’t stand each other.

Rosaline is the original apple of Romeo’s eye. She made a vow that prevented her from marrying so she is seen as unattainable and the cause of Romeo’s strife before he lays eyes on Juliet.

For some this night of pleasure is after you have a moment of realization and see that you both actually vibe really well.

You may choose to secretly scurry off to get to know each other better, or end up having this night of passion after you deepen your commitment or get married.

You or this person could be in a situation where one has already promised themselves to someone else, but you both have a last minute moment of truth and choose to secretly give in to your desires without getting caught.

This is a slightly kinky pile

On this night you may be exploring water sports. I see a woman squirting over their partner or their partner asking to watch them squirt or pee into a glass

I see nipple play

Similar to pile one, there is an edge of not being seen or organizing a secret rendezvous.

I feel like it’s the more feminine person with the Rosaline energy, they may come off as bitchy or have severe resting bitch face, but the surprise is that they are the more kinky person.

They love your breasts, but get lustful when they see your opening.

Thank you for letting me the honor to read/write for you, Pile 2!✨Follow for more readings like this!

Your Song: Seventh - BOSCO

Prime Lyric: “Giving you permission as I'm breathing, Finger on the trigger, now we reset, Here to hide, Will we die? No.”

It's such a beautiful day. Your limbs are tangled in mine as we rest peacefully under the shade of a lone tree before the chapel courtyard. Your beautiful head against my chest gently anchors me to the grass as you listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat. I gaze into the blue sky, contemplating the recipe of cool teals, turquoise, and sapphires God chose to bundle the earth. Sometimes, I wonder why God still allows us to roam this beautiful garden of Eden we call our planet. Maybe it knows that after falling so painfully hard, there really is nowhere to go but up. Or, at least in my case, look up.

It's so quiet that you can hear the trickle of a nearby stream. As I look around, everything seems so vivid. Each blade of grass and round tree leaf is a more lively green and rustles so clearly against the gentle currents of air caressing our cheeks- that my spirit can't help but reach toward the surface of an all-encompassing consciousness. The sky, the leaves, the air, and the stream are alive- as alive as I am right here with you. I can see it now. Is this what it's like to be high?

How could I not be after what we just did? Even though the ceremony was intimate, I was nervous that one of our friends or family found it and somehow turned up at the last moment.

You shift your hand to draw feathered circles on my chest and snap me out of my musings. You look up at me with a mischievously giddy smile and trace me lower and lower until you reach the hem of my pants, pulling teasingly at the elasticity. I arch my brow in surprise, looking for signs of the clergy. It would be a disaster if one were to stumble across us on their holy walk to find you performing the most unholy of acts. My eyes scan the clearing. I gather myself on my forearms and take a peek back. You're also looking around, but those naughty eyes flash with an undercurrent of different intentions. I would have missed it if I hadn't known you so well.

You want to get caught.

My quick scan tells me that we're alone. But you're already gripping me, slender fingers wrapped tightly around velvet steel, ready to receive your touch. You stroke me firmly and languidly as the clouds pass by overhead, and my eager tip moistens with salty essence. I won't let you pull too many moans out of me. We don't know who may be listening despite another quick look around. It feels like I'm floating in a blessed eternity as you touch me until the chapel bell rings unexpectedly. We rush to compose ourselves- one more than the other. You giggle as I try to thrust myself back under my pants and hide my shame before we embarrassingly cross paths with someone on our walk back to the car. I don't return the sentiment.

It was a bad idea anyway. If the Universe is alive and God is real, that must have been a warning. A sort of "Congratulations, but do it in private."

I know when to listen to divine intervention. I won't allow us to suffer judgment because of your lack of self-control. So I will become a mascareri and punish you myself.

I want you to think you crossed a line during the car ride back. That our perfect day may not be so perfect after all. You got too impulsive- too excited. So you start entertaining regrets. It's a little cruel, but you'll forgive me later.

A few hours post your voyeuristic episode, we're diving into champagne and wine bottles. You begged me to pop one open in the spirit of celebration, but we both knew you wanted to flood the nerves in your body with libations. But your consumption of liquor is a double-edged sword.

Three, four, five glasses down and you're swimming. Your cheeks are a luscious plump shade of rose, your skin is warm to the touch, and your feet are too light or maybe too heavy because you stumble across the floor and fall into my arms. I open a window to let the night cool you down. I'm still nursing my first glass, so I trust myself to securely hoist my bride into my arms and lay her tenderly onto the mattress. Your arms lock behind my neck, and I meet the longing in your big, beautiful eyes. You search me for emotion. Anything that would reveal the current truth of my inner world, but I keep my mask on.

You wanted to give the Universe a show today. So let's give it one.

I'll tear the clothing off your body so roughly that cool night air will douse your heated skin with prickles of goosebumps. You won't have time to gasp at my movements because I'll already capture your beautiful mouth with my own- my strong body pressing yours into the mattress of our lover's nest. You will squirm in need, but that won't be enough for me. I need you to whimper, to whine, and mold your begging hips so close to mine as I caress slowly, achingly, down toward heaven. I'll cup my hand at the pearly gate and watch your troubled face as you wait what feels like a millennia until you crack from desperation to feel more of me.

But there is a warning in my eyes you have never seen before. Something that tells you that this is different. It grips you into submission, a sense of fear and excitement battling within. You've never experienced me treat you like anything other than an angel. Until now, I would never have allowed you to fall. But now I truly have you.

ALL OF YOU.

Tonight, you will discover that when angels fall, the devil is there to catch them.

After our week of heavenly sin in our temporary Garden of Eden, we can deal with the backlash that awaits us.

Notes:

-This is the person you will marry or at least form a deep commitment with.

-At the time of the sexual encounter, you are trying to eagerly move the commitment forward formally, but you're seeking help to try and make it happen.

-Like looking for an officiant or going through pre-marriage counseling.

-However, you are feeling a little confused and lost or at least frustrated at the situation because things are proving to require more work.

-This may be because other parties are trying to but in with their opinion.

-You feel like you are meant to be with this person. Or you could have already done the deed, and need to break it to your friends and family.

Thank you for letting me the honor to read/write for you, Pile 3!✨ Follow for more readings like this!

#pick a card #pick a pile #pac reading #pick an image #pac tarot #pick a picture #tarot #free tarot #18+ content #love reading #love tarot reading

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another-lost-mc · 1 year

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haiiii <3 i hope u're doing well! if u don't mind, can i request hcs for the brothers on how they would react to a mc (i don't mind whether it's female or gender-neutral so up to u!) who's a high achiever in human world but struggle a lot and probably fail their classes in devildom? thx so much!! feel free to ignore if u don't feel like writing this <3

When High Achiever!MC Struggles at RAD Headcanons | THE DEMON BROTHERS 2.4k words | SFW | gn!Reader | Hurt/Comfort | Fluff A/N: I resonate a lot with this prompt because I struggled with perfectionism as a student. It would've been a disaster if I was suddenly dropped in the Devildom and expected to do well somehow. lol

You stare at the paper in your hands. Your professor hands back this week’s quiz stating that the class scores are excellent, for the most part. There are a few muffled giggles around you, and you stare at the failing grade circled in red and resist the urge to cry in front of your classmates.

In the human world, you were an excellent student. You studied hard, completed your homework every night, finished all your assigned readings, and always left yourself an extra day or two to proofread your written work for errors and accuracy.

In the Devildom, you still do all those things but it doesn’t matter whether it’s a quiz or an assignment - your marks are horrible. Not just horrible by your standards, either.

Some of the professors approach you quietly after class and suggest remedial classes or private tutoring to help you. Other professors, the ones who are less sympathetic to your struggles, sneer when they hand back your work like you’re a perfect example of how humans are so weak.

The walk home from RAD is a blur. The demon brothers chat animatedly around you, but you aren't paying them much attention.

“We’re gonna order takeout for dinner tonight,” Mammon grins when you walk through the front door behind him. He waves his credit card in your face. “My treat. Whatcha want from Hell’s Kitchen?”

“I’m not hungry,” you mutter when you brush past him. You move through the clump of demons in the hallway and head to your room. Your bag slips off your shoulder to the floor, and you fall face-down on your bed and finally let yourself cry.

You don’t know how long you sob into your pillow, cursing yourself for your failures and wishing you never came here, until there’s a soft knock on your door and a familiar voice calling your name.

LUCIFER

Lucifer knows about your poor grades. Your professors have spoken to him and Barbatos more than once, since they’re the ones in charge of overseeing the student exchange program at RAD. Compared to the other exchange students, your consistently below-average or failing grades are a concern.

He’s going to consider your poor marks as a reflection of their program’s efficacy and not a personal failure on your part. Solomon and the Angels score higher in classes than you, but that makes sense - they’re all more familiar with the fantastical concepts you’re learning about for the first time.

He looks over your recent tests and written work to figure out the best solution. It’s obvious that it’s the overwhelming amount of Devildom knowledge and history you’re lacking, not your technical writing skills or your ability to comprehend the stacks of textbooks on your desk.

He reminds you as gently as he can that you’re part of an experimental program, and it’s not perfect. He asks for your input because your unique perspective and experience can make the program better for future students. It’s your chance to help improve the school’s image, and Diavolo’s reputation, so that hopefully the three realms can truly have a harmonious future.

In the meantime, he tries to keep a better eye on your well-being and your academics. It’s a difficult task because his time is already split between student council responsibilities and keeping his brothers in line. He knows that his brothers cause as much mischief for you as they do for him.

He offers you the use of his private study where you won’t be disturbed if you want peace and quiet. You don’t have to ask permission, either - you can use it whether he’s there or not. He shows you his collection of records you can listen to if you’d like to play some music while you study. (He puts the dangerous cursed records away where you won’t accidentally use them.)

If there happens to be a new kettle and a porcelain tea set and tin of your favourite tea on a shelf nearby, it’s just a coincidence. You’re welcome to use them as much as you’d like, though - he insists.

MAMMON

Mammon has a hard time believing that your grades are as bad as you say they are. You’re so smart, and he knows you work so hard. You’re the one shooing him away from your room when there’s an essay or big test coming up, telling him that you need to focus. He doesn’t like it, but he understands. The worst part is, you do all that and his grades are still better than yours - and he’s not even trying!

He’s going to blame everything and everyone except you for your academic difficulties. Diavolo and Barbatos should’ve anticipated this when they designed the exchange program, the professors shouldn’t be such assholes about it, Lucifer should’ve been helping you more, his brothers should leave you alone…

(He ignores your snarky comment about how demons shouldn’t be kidnapping random humans to begin with.)

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a solution or a quick-fix to offer you. If such a thing existed, he would’ve gladly bought and paid for it by now. He knows he has a carefree approach to school, so he’s not going to pretend he’s got good advice for you.

No, Mammon is going to focus on being your friend instead. He’s going to keep those bully classmates off your back and keep you company between classes. He’s going to visit your room and make sure you take breaks and let yourself have a little bit of fun, because he doesn’t like seeing you stressed and unhappy. He’s going to remind you every way he knows how that he fuckin’ adores you no matter what your grades are.

LEVIATHAN

Leviathan isn’t surprised that you’re struggling. He thinks there’s too much homework, and he knows a lot of the content and history already. It’s no surprise that a normie human like you might be flunking out.

Since he’s taken some of RAD’s classes online, he’s giving you his notes and study guides. There’s some online study groups he’s going to invite you to in case you'd like to talk to other students learning the same material you are.

Watching you struggle reminds him that it would be so much easier to do everything online. If you prefer to learn or connect with your classmates virtually, then he’s going to advocate for more investment in RAD’s remote learning capabilities. Wouldn’t it be fun to stay home together and do that instead?

He tries not to bother you when he knows you’re stressed about a test or a project, but he misses his Henry when you lock yourself in your room all the time. He hates that you’re so unhappy with your grades. So what if you’re not exactly a booksmart here in the Devildom? You’d ace every test if it were about things that actually mattered, like TSL or your favourite anime series.

He’s not as motivated to do well in school, but he is motivated to help you, in his own way. That usually means inviting you to his room so you can do homework together between matches of Super Smash Devils. Games are a great way to relieve stress, after all!

SATAN

Satan is aware of your poor grades, but he’s not going treat you like Lucifer does and make you go to him like some sort of supplicant begging for help. He’s going to invite himself to your room, or drag you to the library, or drag you to his room, and you’re going to succeed with him as your tutor.

He knows that a proper foundation is crucial to helping you learn about Devildom history, culture, and magic. Satan is going to look over your work and go over the basics with you after he figures out how the school’s curriculum is failing you.

Perhaps exchange students should be placed in modified introductory courses?

That might be a solution for future students but for now, he’s taking you back to basics. He guides you through the fundamentals you’re missing so that the more advanced topics actually make sense. He soothes your frazzled nerves when you struggle with remembering certain historical events. When you start to improve, he praises your correct answers so that he can finally see the radiant smile on your face, the one that he loves so much.

When you're both in desperate need of a break, he invites you to join him on his bed, or on the sofa in the library. He has a book open in his lap -a lighthearted story, something easy to follow - and reads to you. You can hear the smile in his voice as you drift off to sleep.

(Later on, when one of his brothers find both of you asleep, Satan's arms wrapped gently around you, they throw a blanket over both of you and dim the lights.)

ASMODEUS

Asmodeus is going to gather you in his arms and hold you close while he brushes away your tears and tells you how much he adores you. You’re too hard on yourself. He thinks you’re focusing too much on all the things you struggle with and not enough on the things he admires about you.

He can see what happens when you get frustrated and depressed about your grades. You don’t smile as much anymore, the dark circles under your eyes become more prominent, your clothes fit a bit looser and it hurts him when you treat yourself badly like this. You didn’t do anything wrong and it's not your fault.

It just so happens that he loves pampering you any chance he gets, so don’t be surprised if he’s dragging you away from your desk for a mandatory R&R break in his room. You wince when his fingers dig into the knots in your back and shoulders, but he can feel the moment when you finally stop fighting and let yourself relax.

He’ll talk to you about school, but only if you bring it up first. Otherwise, he’s keeping your mind off things by talking to you about something he saw on Devilgram, or he’s asking your opinion about a new Majolish collab he’s designing.

Oh, how about a shopping spree tomorrow, just the two of you? No objections! He’ll let you choose where to go for dinner since he’s not picky. Afterwards, there’s a new boutique he wants to check out - the clothes they have are stunning, and he’s in the mood to spoil you.

BEELZEBUB

Beelzebub won’t lie and say he understands what you’re going through, because he doesn’t. Not exactly. He struggles with school sometimes, but that’s because 90% of the time he’s distracted by hunger or food, and the rest is him getting caught up in his hectic club schedule.

You’re kind to him and so thoughtful when it comes to asking what he’s like for dinner, or if he wants some of your leftovers. He doesn’t always have the right words to say like Lucifer or Satan, and he’s not as adventurous as Mammon or Asmo, but he’s going to work hard to distract you and support you the best he can.

His biggest concern is whether you’re eating enough, and he’s not going to let you skip meals or rush from the table after a couple bites. He reminds you that being hungry and undernourished is going to make it even harder to focus. He makes a conscious effort to control himself when you're cooking - he doesn't want to stress you out even more.

He also asks you to join him when he works out. He wants to make sure you’re taking time to care for your body. He doesn't care whether you do some yoga or light stretching on a mat nearby, or if you want to listen to music while you walk on the treadmill - he watches you out of the corner of his eye while he trains. When you're both finished (or when you're done and he pretends he is too), he makes sure you both get a proper snack from the kitchen.

BELPHEGOR

Belphegor surprises everyone when he aces a test after rushing through the answers and napping for the rest of class. He doesn’t realize how it makes you feel only a few seats away from him, scribbling as fast as possible even as the professor slides the paper out from under you, and you end up with a barely passing grade to show for it.

He’s not going to dwell on his feelings about the exchange program. What he is going to do is share his criticisms loudly, and meanly, with his oldest brother and Diavolo whenever he gets the chance. It’s their fault you’re here, stuck trying to learn thousands of years of history and culture about a place you’ve just learned exists. Of course you’re struggling - they’re asking too much of you.

He’ll offer to help you study, if that’s what you want. You don’t have to rely on Satan for that, you know. But what he considers more important, what he wants to focus on, is helping you with your disturbing lack of sleep.

You might not know this, but he knows how late you stay up at night trying to study. He knows how your mind is constantly racing with thoughts of failure and self-loathing and regret. You get up before your alarm after a restless night of tossing and turning. You sleep so badly, he can’t sleep properly either.

He’s going to start visiting you shortly before your usual bedtime, and he’s going to keep you company while he helps you put your books away. (Stop trying to argue, it’s for your own good.) He’s going to push your pajamas into your arms and nudge you towards the en-suite to change and shower and whatever else you need to do to get ready for bed.

When you come out looking cozy and a bit more relaxed and so damn cute, he’s going to ask which bed you’d prefer to sleep in - yours or his? Because he’s going to ward off the negative thoughts while you fall asleep, and he’s going to give you happier dreams. When you wake up tomorrow, you’ll understand what he already knows: none of that other stuff matters, so long as you have each other.

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yellow-berrys · 1 year

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sweet weeping soul | remus lupin x fem!reader

summary: your friends aren't really your friends, and remus lupin helps you realise that. a (hopefully realistic) tale of toxic friendship and how one escapes from it, into healthy relationships, both platonic and romantic. angst -> fluff

aka five times you cry in front of remus and one time he cries in front of you.

warnings: toxic platonic relationships, crying, sadness, envy, insecurity

navigation | masterlist

Remus Lupin makes you feel different, not yourself, per se. Around him, you become soft and reserved. It’s rare you have a conversation anyway— for you never really talk to him, or spend heaps of time around him. Lily is friends with him and you’re friends with Lily, so by extension he is your good friend too.

He is prettier than you and so kind, always with a cuddly quarter zip on or a fuzzy sweater. Sometimes he looks at you like he might kiss you, but you’ve seen him with other people and he looks at them the same, dark lashes nearly touching.

Remus has been told that he’s soft, all his life. There’s a steadiness gleaming from his kind honey-brown eyes, and a certain gentlemanly way to his neat strands of light brown hair. There’s gentle written all over him, and he always has a sweater on in the colder seasons. He always looks quiet, and he always is quiet, preferring to leave the talking to Sirius or James. Remus is everything consistent and everything mellow. A little mystery is woven into the way he does everything too. It makes him elusive, more interesting.

Mostly, he begs to differ. If you really get to know him, he swears like a sailor and is scarred like one too. His humour is snarky and sometimes crude. But he guesses that other people might be right, because he forgives too easily and loves too hard.

Especially as you’re alone at breakfast, sitting at your place down the table and playing with your food. You look a bit distraught, he thinks. Where’s Lily? And everyone else? You clatter down your fork because everything looks unappetising. Even the delicacies the house-elves prepare so painstakingly look dull and dreadful.

Remus notices your self-deprecating expression as a Slytherin girl passes by you and waves. She looks at you inquisitively and you respond with a small smile that is the furthest thing from genuine. She leaves with an arm hooked into her boyfriend’s, both looking worried for you. As she passes where Remus and the other Marauders are sitting, Remus can hear tid-bits of dialogue.

“Poor thing,” she says.

Remus decides you’re definitely not okay when even Sirius hums, “L/n isn’t looking too well today.”

You’re talking to Professor McGonagall now, a more amused smile on your face as you joke with her. But when she leaves you return to looking downtrodden and when you push your plate forward and start to get up from your seat, your eyes look empty. It’s when you hurry past him that he decides that he should go after you.

Fast taps against the tiles of the hallways alarm you. You turn and there’s Remus, long legs gaining mileage on you. He reaches you and you step to the side to let him go past. You’re confused when he stops before you. His eyes flicker down to yours and they’re filled with concern.

“Hey,” he breathes.

“Hi,” you smile politely and it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. Remus hates it.

“I’m sorry if this comes off weird or creepy, but I couldn’t help but notice that you don’t look very happy,” he says quietly.

You laugh. Again, it doesn’t sound right. It sounds forced and stuffy, “It’s not weird and I’m fine.”

“Where are your friends?” he asks, gently.

You shrug. It’s heavy enough that Remus can tell that you care a lot.

“They’re all gone?”

“I heard them early in the morning,” you say, nodding slowly.

“Are you okay then?”

No. You had heard all the girls in the dorm giggling as they got ready at six in the morning, tippy-toeing around your bed. When you peeked an eye open, feigning slumber, Lily was wearing one of her date night dresses, a pretty sun-dress that was only used for picnics. Trixie from Hufflepuff was there, and so was Olive. You squeezed your eyes shut and when they were all gone you noticed the picnic basket was missing. Dread pooled in your stomach and you tried in all your might to believe that they went for a date or were going to come back up to invite you. You thudded down the stairs and asked a first year sitting by the portrait about them.

“They were talking about a big group date,” she swung her legs, “Something about a park.”

You had smiled, “Thanks.”

You look at Remus, “Yeah.” But your voice breaks embarrassingly midway and your tired, disappointed mood starts to wear through. It’s impossible to put up a front in front of Remus, who’s gazing at you in such a fret. But he’s Lily’s friend and Lily surely had her reasons to not invite you. After all, you have your problems. It makes sense that it’s probably your fault and Remus deserves not to know.

Remus tries to gauge the problem out of you- wheedle it and make it clear that he does care. Somewhere in your half-hearted smiles he’s developed a crush on you because he thinks your attempts to make him less worried are so sweet.

But you simply shake your head every time he wants to know what’s wrong and ignore that he’s very close and very handsome.

You set off to your dormitory, but realise that you don’t really want to be there. Remus can tell from the conflicted look in your face.

“I’ll sit with you in the common room and you can please, please tell me what’s wrong. I want to help.”

He says it so earnestly that you nod, “Okay.”

“I woke up this morning and they were all getting ready for something, with the hair curler and dresses. That means going out, usually. And Lily was wearing her picnic dress, the one with little flowers on it. I heard them giggling as they all went out and I thought maybe they’ll come back for me. But when I sat up there wasn’t anyone in their beds and the picnic basket was gone. I didn’t know what had happened so I went downstairs to ask this first-year and she said they were going on a group trip, plus James.

“I feel so left out,” your bottom lip wobbles, “Because if this was a one time thing, I wouldn’t feel so bad, but they do this all the time. And I’m tired of constantly trying to join them when they haven’t even invited me in the first place. Every time they hang out they never think of me. I mean, they invited Trixie and Olive, and I wish I could say I’m closer to them than Trixie and Olive but I don’t think that’s true anymore. Every time. I’m sick of trying to take the initiative to make plans, and if I don’t they never think about me.

“In the holidays, they all went out to see this movie, and I get it, they all live near each other but they invited Hannah from Slytherin and not a word to me,” Remus’ heart pangs a little bit hearing your trembling tone, “It was only when I wrote to them asking if they wanted to see it with me that Lily said she had already seen it and so had Mary and Dorcas and everyone else. Okay, I accepted it, I did, and said we could go to the art gallery but no one replied.

“I tie my shoelaces and they never wait for me, but when they tie their shoelaces suddenly I have to be there, no matter what. And I can’t ever hang out with two of them because the others feel ostracised, even though they always leave me out. Lily gives me strange looks when I chat to Dorcas for more than 3 minutes straight. Once we were talking about volunteering for a charity and she looked back at me as if I was neglecting her, accusatorily. I wasn’t going to volunteer with Dorcas anyway, she lives in the Highlands. But then she can go and wrap gifts with Mary at the mall and not invite me,” your voice wavers.

“I know it’s small, but it hurts so much. The worst thing is that I’m the problem here. There has to be a reason why they never invite me and I don’t know what it is. I try to be a perfect friend and I always wait for them when they pack their bags at Potions even if everyone else is leaving. I don’t get it and it’s bothering me,” you cry out, eyes watering.

Remus wants to cry too seeing you cry, “Oh, darling.”

“I don’t understand what is wrong with me,” you despair, “I might not be the prettiest thing in the world, but I try,” voice cracking.

He needs to have a word with Lily, he thinks.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, gorgeous,” he murmurs, “Don’t blame yourself.”

“But there is. They’re really nice people, why can’t I see it?”

“Maybe they’re not nice people,” he offers.

“Don’t say that,” you whisper, “Lily’s dating James. Mary’s dating Peter. Dorcas is in your bookclub.”

“Well, love, they’re not very nice to you. And no she’s not, far from it actually, no he’s not, they split, and no, she left.”

“Guess I need a life update then.”

“Why don’t you talk to them about it?”

You murmur, “I hate confrontation and why would they change just because I told them to? I’m scared, Rem.”

“I get it, beautiful. You can sit with me and Peter and James and Sirius and Marlene and Queenie and Jolene at lunchtimes and whenever you want.”

He’s so good, he doesn’t ask any questions or push you. Your teary eyes gaze up at him in wonder and admiration and no one’s ever looked at him like you do now. Here he goes again, loving too hard.

“Really? I wouldn’t be intruding?”

“Never, lovely.”

You surge and hug him, which catches him by surprise but he melts into it. It’s the nicest hug he’s been given, ever. He doesn’t get many as a guy, and usually they’re half-hearted and rough, but yours is grateful and warm. He’s all red and flustered after it but he doesn’t think you notice and you don’t.

“We’re about to head to Hogsmeade, you wanna join us?”

You think about it, “After I get these tears off my face.” You hurry up the stairs before he can say a word.

“Nice going, Moons,” Sirius barges in from wherever he was hiding in the first place, hair slightly dishevelled, “You got some chocolate? I didn’t finish breakfast trying to stealthily tail you both up the stairs.”

“He is just so delicious,” Mary sighs. You laugh, “Who, Peter?”

“Oh not Peter. Remus Lupin.”

You smile. Delicious.

“Pfft, Peter. I only dated him to get closer to Remus.”

Your smile turns into something that’s unsettled, but she’s too busy ‘ooh’ing and ‘ahh’ing over his “washboard abs” to see you, even though he’s got an ungodly amount of layers on.

“Speaking of, I think I have a crush on him!” she squeals and you smile again, kind of creeped out by her behaviour. You’re sure you’re just too sensitive about these things, “Will you introduce me?”

“Sure,” you lead her to where Remus is reading the paper. He looks up and he doesn’t give anything away. He's a mystery when he’s not too busy being soft. In reality, he can feel his heart start to speed up and his cheeks warm.

“Hey, he’s blushing,” Mary whispers. Although it’s loud, Remus can hear it and feels self-conscious.

You whisper back, “Shhh, I’m sure he’s not. Hi Remus.”

Remus nods at you, “Morning.”

“Oh he says morning, what a cutie,” Mary giggles and you giggle too, though Remus hears the strain your voice is in.

“Remus, meet Mary Macdonald. She’s my friend. Mary, meet Remus.”

Hm. Remus thinks, remembering to be polite. He should give her the benefit of the doubt. He extends a hand, “Hello Mary.”

You watch their interaction, spiking a little bit of disappointment in you. Is it at Mary paying more attention to Remus than you (and rightly so, you think. If you were that pretty you’d have people clawing at your feet too.) or because Remus might like Mary?

You miss how Mary looks at Remus hungrily. He swallows, uncomfortable, looking towards you and grimacing. You nod, a minute dip of your head, and carefully pry Mary away from him.

“C’mon Mary, you promised to drop me off at my class.”

She studies her nails, “Actually, I need to go to the bathroom. You think you’d be okay with going alone?”

It’s not really a question, and your face falls. You walk alone. Remus has just witnessed Mary lying, because instead of turning three halls down to the left and turning to the right one hall down, she begins to flirt with him. It sours his opinion of her.

“You free this Saturday?”

He shakes his head, “Nope.”

“Next Saturday?”

“Nah.”

She sighs, “Handsome, let’s not play hard to get.”

He shrugs, “I’m not.”

“Why won’t you?”

Remus isn’t brutal enough to tell her the real truth, which is that he hasn’t heard good things about her. So he says, “I’m not interested and you dated my friend and broke his heart,” which is pretty accurate in itself.

“Enigmatic.”

He sighs, returning to his paper.

A few hours later, you’re confronted with an awful truth as Remus sits peacefully opposite you reading a book. He’s in pure bliss as his eyes skim the page and his fingertips brush the edges of the paper. His hair flops in front of his eyes and you resist the urge to touch it. There’s a little smile on his lips.

You like Remus a lot, and you can’t, because Mary likes him. It feels forbidden, and you can’t imagine how Mary would react. Friends didn’t like other friends’ crushes, they stayed a comfortable distance away from them. Rule 2 in the book. And Mary brings it up at night.

“Say, Y/n, would you mind not being so close to Remus?”

You’re finishing up a Transfiguration essay and look at her, caught off guard.

“I’m not actually that close with him,” you laugh, “At least not romantically.”

She narrows her eyes, “Yeah, I know that. As if he would ever be romantic.” with you, she means.

You’re silent, ignoring her dig at you. This is a critical part of how to be a good friend. You don’t want to ruin Mary’s ventures with Remus but you really like him, both platonically and romantically.

“Could you back off? I know you both are friends and whatever but I need this.”

You chew on your lip. It’s a shame, because you did like him and Peter and Sirius and James and Marlene and Jolene and Queenie. You still want to be friends with him. But Mary has a jealous streak and you’ve seen the girls who she’s left torn and beaten.

“I don’t think I’ll ruin your chances, Mary.”

“Neither do I,” she says harshly.

You’re struck by her sudden tone. It’s curt, snappy and it’s loud. It hurts. You immediately find the tears swarm in your eyes. So you startle, “I forgot, I need to go find Marlene to get some advice on the essay.”

“Since when have you known Marlene Mckinnon?”

You leave, tears flowing as you furiously wipe them away. Remus is downstairs with Sirius, and Sirius is begging for chocolate for some reason. You catch his eye. He immediately calls to you, but you pretend to not hear. You can’t hang out with him anymore. You hurry down to the Prefect bathroom. It’s always empty there.

You sit down by the bath, pacing out your breaths. Soon you calm down, and when you have the energy to look around you, you see Remus leaning against the door. There’s a crease between his brow.

“Rem, I can’t be near you much anymore,” you blink at him, “This won’t be a surprise to you but Mary really likes you. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable, or think I’m trying to steal you from her.”

Remus’ frown only deepens, as you refuse to meet his eyes. He hooks his fingers under your chin and lifts your head up.

“Aren’t you?” he grins. He thinks if he’s going to want you he might as well want you right.

You bring your hands to his and you gently take them away, patting his hand, “Don’t. Even if I’m friends with you, it’s too friendly for Mary.”

“Honey, you don’t need to do what Mary says.”

“It’s not what Mary says. It’s Rule 2 in the book.”

He laughs, “Rule 2 in the book. And what’s Rule 1?”

“Never leave your girls hanging for boys. I feel like I’ve betrayed her.”

“Well, you can always hang with the others, right?”

You nod, “We’ll see. I’ll see you around?”

His eyes are filled with something unreadable and mysterious. He wants to be with you, so badly, he wants imploringly to show you what you mean to him. But he nods, he understands, and pecks you on the cheek. “Remus!” you admonish. He’s smirking away, the last you see of him is the imprints of a shy smile, latent and alluring.

You smile, feeling bitter as you tell Mary, “I’ll leave Lupin alone, Mary.”

She flickers her eyes up at you, “I didn’t think you weren’t going to.” She looks bored, and you feel nothing but disappointment.

“Wait up, Lily!” You call. You wish you didn’t need to, but you guess that you’re forgettable.

She stops, a little disgruntled.

“What’s got you so excited for today?” You ask her, slinging your bag over your shoulder.

“Well, certainly not Potter going to ask me out and me to reject him. He hasn’t in a while, so that’s been a relief.”

You laugh, “Are you missing it?”

“Never.”

“Don’t you think rejecting him that harshly is a little sad?”

It’s true. He’s nothing but nice in his advances. All he does is give her flowers, most of the time he doesn’t say anything but frown when Lily pushes the flowers roughly back into his grasp, and leaves disappointedly. He’s been doing this for only a little while, and he looks less and less infatuated with Lily each time. Once she turned to you smugly, and you raised your eyebrows.

“Must be nice having no guys pestering you for attention,” she had told you.

You had cheerfully agreed with her, but inside you were heartbroken.

Lily enters the hall, an expectant look on her face. Instead of James waiting by the big door, he’s eating, no flowers or chocolates in sight. Remus turns and gives you the tiniest smile. You give him a sympathetic one.

“Huh. No flowers.”

You stay quiet. If you say something, it’ll come out berating or pathetic to Lily. Maybe if she didn’t always brutally dismiss him or flame him to no ends, he might continue, but isn’t this what she wanted?

You talk to Queenie, who pouts, “Can’t tell you, sorry Y/n.”

You’ve seen James with Regulus, the latter denying his love though not like Lily had. It’s accepted and Regulus returns the affections, though in his own cold way. James looks happy whenever he’s with Regulus.

Lily calls to James, “Potter, I didn’t see you water the plants today.”

James shrugs, “Okay, Evans. They’re watered. I got someone to do it. Someone much more competent than me.”

At that he winks at Regulus, who goes red and smiles tenderly. Sirius rolls his eyes, whispering to James, “Oi, eyes off my brother or you won’t have eyes at all tomorrow.”

Lily’s curt all day long, and snippy. You don’t dare to say a word to her and tippy toe endlessly after she scowls at you for asking if she wants some hot chocolate.

At the end of the day when you’ve come back with accompanying Dorcas to the Potions storeroom and three of the girls come surging, whisking Lily away but never offering you with the same warmth. At the end, you quietly slip away from the group. You have this harrowing feeling you don’t actually belong with them. No one notices and you press your lips together.

“Girl’s night!!” Dorcas yells.

There’s only a little more to go till you graduate and you’re officially able to leave the dormitory. Maybe they aren’t so good for you. You just wish you could be included more, cherished. What if I don’t deserve to be cherished? The question swirls in your mind, distressing you. When you bump into Marlene near the quidditch field, trucking down from practice, she sets down her broomstick and takes off her gloves.

“Don’t see you here often, darl,” she sits next to you, “You’re in the firing zone of Sirius’ wild bludgers, by the way.”

Sirius is hovering above, hitting bludgers fiercely. One zooms past your shoulder, only because Marlene nudges her broomstick to the bludger. You barely flinch.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

You look at her, “Yeah, I’m good. Just wanted to get some fresh air.”

“At 8 in the night? Where are your friends?”

You feel so vulnerable right now. “I’m- I’m with you. You’re my friend.”

“I know. Okay,” Marlene thinks for a second, “Where are your dorm mates?”

You sob, “They’re having a girl’s night.”

“Without you?”

“I…” To be truthful, you don’t know where you are with your friends. It makes you even more emotional. You feel tears well up in your eyes. Marlene makes a strained noise and you see she’s crying too.

“Oh, don’t make me cry too,” she sobs, “I can’t handle emotions.”

Sirius notices, and nearly gets taken over by a bludger. “Moony,” he shouts, “We’ve got a problem.”

“We’ve or you’ve?” Remus asks dryly from the sidelines.

“You’ve. Not I’ve but you’ve,” Sirius points to where both you and Marlene are sobbing together.

“I’m only one man, there are two of them,” Remus looks at Sirius meaningfully.

“Fine.”

“Which one do you want?”

“Marlene.”

Sirius flies over to Marlene, mounting his broomstick.

“Marlene, you good?” He crouches down on the grass.

She glares at him, tearily, “Do I look okay to you, Black?”

“Right, well, why are you sad?” Sirius has the tact of a three year old although Marlene’s too busy crying to care.

Marlene points at you, “She’s sad, so I’m sad.”

Sirius hops up, and pats the incoming Remus on the back. “They’re all yours, Buster.”

Remus sits down next to you, “You know, there’s a cloud over there that looks like James.”

It really doesn’t, it’s night and you can’t see much. But it makes you huff a laugh out. Remus relaxes. Marlene stops crying.

“It’s pitch black, idiot,” she grins.

He smiles boyishly.

“Marlene?” you peek up at her, still halfway to dry eyes.

“Mm?”

“Can I stay at your dorm for the night? I don’t really feel like going back to mine.”

“Sure. Okay, I need a shower. I can’t be hugging you all stinky and sweaty.”

“You smell great,” you smile at her.

“Thanks.”

“No problemo.”

You turn to Remus, “Shuffle over some ten centimetres please. For Mary.”

“Mary’s having a girl’s night without you, sweet thing, does she really matter?” Remus moves nonetheless.

“Yeah,” you hiccup, “I want to be a good friend.”

He doesn’t question you and leaves it at that.

Marlene comes out, drying her hair with a towel.

“Are we good to go?”

“Yeah!”

“C’mon.”

You look back, “Bye Remus!”

He’s smiling so softly your heart thuds. It’s the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen. You wonder what he’s thinking about.

He’s thinking about you. Sweet weeping soul.

The scene’s set. It’s a sweeping plain overlooking the rest of Hogwarts, symbolic and gradual. This is where you’ll graduate. It’s bitter, but you’re mostly ready to move on from school. Of course, you’ll miss days spent with fellow students and the teachers, and the school grounds where you spent so much time laughing and loving, but you think you’re okay with going solo. You haven’t worked out where you’ll be staying, there’s still ten weeks left in the school year where seventh years hang around aimlessly and try to soak up as much of Hogwarts as they can. But you know if you don’t find a place to stay, you can always bunk with your parents.

You already find yourself shedding tears, as you go up to give a speech. After the procession, McGonagall calls you over.

“Oh darling,” she cries, mascara muddied from her watery eyes, “I’ll miss you so much. Thank you for being such a good student. Have you got a place to stay? A job? I’ll always be open to giving you the Transfiguration professor role so I can focus on being Deputy Headmaster.”

You laugh, “Professor-”

“Please, we’re both adults now. Minerva, or Minnie, or Mins, or Nerve.”

“Nerve?!”

“Sirius Black does have some calling me that.”

Both of you let out watery chuckles.

“Minnie, thank you so much for being my Professor,” you wipe the corner of your eye, “Oh I have to do this eleven more times. You know, I’ve learnt so much from you and you’re just a dear. I can’t believe I’m leaving this place, forever. Not yet, and yes, I applied for a position in the Ministry.”

“Don’t forget Hogwarts. Please visit, weekly.”

“I will, and I won’t forget about that Transfiguration job.”

“Please, remember it, you always had a competence for most things you did. Even Magical Music, which I remember you saying you hated, despised, loathed, and were terrible at, but Professor Quavers thought you were a very capable student.”

“Minnie,” you weep into her shoulder, hugging her, “Please remember me.”

“I couldn’t ever forget you,” she leans to whisper, “You are one of my favourite students.”

It makes you cry even harder. In the end, you take a picture with her and exchange emails, phone lines, addresses. She hands you an envelope, which later you learn encloses automatic recommendation letters and some gift cards.

This is done eleven times more, teachers bestowing you with gifts and promises of communication. By the end, your hands are full and you put the things in your bag by your chair, going to join Lily, Dorcas, Mary, Alice in taking photos. Mary’s voice shouts, “I still like Remus Lupin!”

“Cheers to the new apartment!” Dorcas’ father says, “What beautiful girls.”

You freeze. They had an apartment planned and ready? Maybe you’re ready to leave your friends. You turn away, crying more when you see Queenie.

She beckons you over, “Come take photos with us.”

You smile. Everyone huddles close. Remus is beside you, all wily and eyes sparkling with tears. “You alright, darling?”

“I’ll miss you, Rem. You know I haven’t really gotten to talk to you much, but you’ve been nothing but wonderful to me.”

“Ask her!” Jolene hisses.

“Right, so, I, we, the guys and the girls, are going to rent apartments with each other. Do you want to join us?”

You’re starstruck. You start crying in his arms, and he looks very concerned.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t keep them in. Of course I want to join you, you guys are amazing.”

“Sweetness…” he wipes your eyes with a handkerchief he has yet to use.

“Remus, Mary, remember? She still likes you. I know you’re only doing this as friends and she does too, but she doesn’t like people hanging around…” you meet his eyes.

He looks at you again in that unreadable way and you don’t know what to do. Sirius is quietly taking pictures of you two with his expensive camera. He likes the way Remus looks at you and the way you don’t seem to know what it means. Fine photography. Would make an excellent engagement gift. I'm so smart. He flips the camera. And so handsome.

"Get a load of you," James scoffs.

You haven’t watched Mean Girls yet. Queenie finds that astounding, and so everyone must attend the movie marathon she holds. You hang your coat up on the rack, stepping out of your shoes and sighing.

“How was work?” Marlene asks.

“That question makes me feel so old,” you huff, cracking your joints, “It was so-so. Marcus tried to harass Heron into getting Jerome out of the project that he and Heather are working on.”

“Oh really. That mother-”

“Evening!” Sirius barges into the apartment, wearing his suit, “Did you know, Marcus was-”

“Harassing Heron into getting Jerome out of the project that he and Heather are working on,” you finish, “How does the public relations sector know that?”

“We do have excellent public relations.”

“Where’s James?”

“He’s picking up Regulus.”

“Awh,” you coo.

“I wish James had a sibling so I could date them too,” Sirius grouches.

“Don’t be like that, Pads,” Peter strides to the fridge, kissing Jolene on the cheek and grabbing a can of kombucha, “They’re so good together.”

“Good my a-”

“Language!” Marlene calls.

Someone knocks on the door. You open it and Remus is standing, stretching. A little strip of skin shows as his shirt lifts. His top button is undone and he looks tired. But he still looks at you the same, red on his cheeks and red lips turning up. I can’t be loving him like this, you think, it’s overwhelming.

“Hey,” you open the door.

He smiles at you, “Doing well, honey?” He doesn’t say much at all, but when he does it’s always followed by a “beautiful” or “pretty” or “doll”.

A chorus of greetings come from around the television. He nods, turning back to you, “I gave exams back today. Talked my quota full.”

Beaming at him, you hand him a bowl of popcorn, “We’re fine with it. You speak as much as you want.”

He smiles at you again. He’s doing a lot of that. But then again, he’s always like this when he’s tired. At a bar, he’ll be tilting his head, smiling at you through fatigued eyes, begging James to go home. When he’s up grading papers, he’ll be smiling at you, the same melting eyes and lashes nearly touching. And you always say, “How much of your soul did you trade to the devil for those lashes?”

He never gets it, and he says, “Comes with the beard I need to shave off every morning.”

You’re snapped back by a slamming of the door as James comes in with Regulus.

He’s right– he doesn’t talk much, just sitting back on the sofa, observing and listening. He watches you most of the time, and he sees when you’re about to cry. Your breathing gets unsteady and eyes start finding anything else to look at. You tremble as you reach for popcorn, and excuse yourself multiple times, and you manage to stop crying mostly. None of your friends notice much, too busy yelling at the screen, but he does.

You start bawling when Regina’s influence over the rest of the girls vanishes, and Remus immediately turns to you, leading you across the hall.

“I’m so sorry,” you ramble, “Why is it that I’m always crying when I see you?”

Remus doesn’t mind– he likes that you feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable around him.

“It’s just that– that movie reminded me so much of my old friends and it’s all too overwhelming thinking about them. I mean, they haven’t called, I don’t know where they live and I’m so grateful but also I feel so bad about it.”

“Hey, it’s okay. They didn’t deserve you.”

“I know, but the movie hit so close to home, Rem. I’m so glad to have you.”

Remus pretends that by ‘you’, you mean him, knowing it means the whole group of them.

You sob quietly, bundling his shirt into your hands. He lets you, and he’s quiet about it. You’re a sweet weeping soul, rendered that by your ex-friends. But he wants you so much.

“Good news,” you announce, going into Remus’ apartment to recite to him what you had just read in your weekly mail, “McGonagall got a dog, his name is Hubert and he’s a border collie. Also, Mary has a boyfriend.”

You had had to write to Mary to tell her you were moving across the corridor from Remus. She hadn’t replied. None of your friends had bothered to ask where you would stay. You had decided those friendships were over. Still, you kept a friendly distance from Remus. You had only known she’s gotten a boyfriend when the boy himself wrote to you asking you for your blessing. You had written back, telling him that you and Mary were no longer friends, but nonetheless that you wished them well. It was a sign that you were truly over it.

You’re searching through his apartment, when you hear quiet sniffles coming from his room. You knock, then enter. Your heart aches as you see Remus leaning against the wall, crying.

“Rem…”

“Go away,” he mutters, muffled.

“Remus.”

“Oh.” he doesn’t lift his head to look at you. You sit next to him on the floor.

“What happened?”

“I like this girl.”

You try to fight your own disappointment back, and smile, though it’s warped.

“Yeah?”

“There’s no way in hell she likes me back. I mean I’ve done everything to show her I do. I’ve called her pet names, tried to be charming, hell, I’ve even flirted.”

The disappointment is winning.

“And I get it, because I’m all gnarly. But it hurts.”

He continues, “And she’s…perfect. Like, really beautiful. She’s kind, so charming, so empathetic and she has the prettiest smile.”

You pretend you’re glad for him. You’re really not. You want to leave, maybe he’ll stop talking about her. But you still listen, because you do care. As much as it hurts you to know he likes another girl, it also hurts you to know he’s sad. Lovely, caring Remus, with his shyness and comfortable silences.

“She’s really everything to me, and I don’t think I’m much to her.”

“Don’t say things like that, Remus,” you begin, “You’re a great guy, and any girl would be lucky to have you, especially her.” The words don’t sit quite right, they feel sour on your tongue.

“I’m not good enough for her.”

The words crush you, and you frown.

“Hey!” you snap, “Remus John Lupin, you are so good, and so kind. I can’t bear to hear you badmouth yourself like this. You are not gnarly. I think you're charming. Love yourself for me, Remus, please.”

He looks at you, eyes swarming with that emotion.

“Thank you, darling.”

–

Remus catches you by surprise when he’s standing by your desk.

“What are you doing here, Remus?”

“Good evening, fine sir! How are you doing? I’m well, thank you!”

“No, seriously,” you cross your arms, “This is the intelligence department. How did you get in here?”

“Let’s just say, your boss is a 60 year old woman, and I sure know my way around them from playing bingo with my grandmother and her friends every Saturday.”

“Glad to see you’re feeling better.” And he looks better too, creases gone from under his eyes, which are now blinking endearingly at you. He had told himself he would tell you, and that would be it. Queenie tells him that you do like him, but he can’t believe her. He’s tapping his foot nervously.

“I am. When will you be off work?”

“I just have to send this email and I’ll be done.”

“Great!” He pulls out a book and starts reading. You finish your email, click send, shut off your computer and reorganise the files on your desk. You put on your coat, and put your bag on.

“Ready to go, sweetheart?” he asks.

"Yep.”

“Lovely, we’re going to take a stroll around the block. It’s a…thanks for the other day.”

You smile, “You’re more than welcome.”

You pass by a flower shop. He stops, “Hey, I want to get a present for you know- her.”

You feel your heart pang, “Yeah, sure," and then follows the obligatory, "Need some help?”

“Obviously.”

You step in and the bells jingle. A friendly shop attendant pokes her head from where she’s cutting roses.

“Hi Remus,” she grins at him, wiggling her eyebrows and he blushes, “And you are?”

You smile, “I’m Y/n.”

“Petunia Evans.”

“Lily?”

“Yes. Are you his girlfriend?”

You laugh, you’re flattered that anyone would ever think you’re his girlfriend, “Oh, I’m not his girlfriend. We’re actually here to find Remus’ crush a present! I’m Y/n,” you shake her hand.

“His crush, you say?”

“Yeah, his crush! By the way, I’ll tell you my favourite flower, can you psychoanalyse me?”

She giggles, “Okay!”

You whisper it in her ear and she starts a long tale of surprisingly accurate details of your life.

“Damn, you’re good.”

“Thanks. Remus, is there anything you’re looking for in particular? For this crush?”

Remus blushes.

You go to inspect the flowers at the front to hopefully get cheered up by the bees and the butterflies that touch down on little sprigs of pollen. You won’t revert to the sweet weeping soul that they made you. Remus buys some flowers and sets them down on the counter.

Petunia takes her dinner break and slips out of the building quietly. You’re admiring the little glass panes on the wall which let the right amount of light through, walking backwards and around the room. Remus is wondering when he should do it, turning uncertainly and walking towards you. You turn quickly too, “Remus, look at the ceil-”

You crash into him. He catches you, flowers in one hand, you in the other. You’re very close to him– he smells like a forest and chocolate. His eyes flicker to yours and there’s the expression again.

“Sorry,” you smile, stepping away. He doesn’t let go of you, instead pulling you closer. You look up to him with wide eyes and he’s so red all of a sudden. He brings the flowers to cover his face.

“These are for you,” he murmurs.

“Awh, but you really didn’t need to,” you grin, bringing the flowers up to your nose, “I offer my services for free!” They are so nice, and he's so nice.

“Services?”

“You know, helping you pick out the flowers and all.”

He sighs, “Darling, I don’t know how else to say this, but, I want you. I don’t have a crush, you’re my crush, I just never had the guts to say it. I want you by my side, all the time. It was hell on earth trying to stay away from you all these years because of Mary. I don’t know if you even like me, but I really, really like you, maybe even love you.”

You open your mouth, then shut it, eyes wide with sparkling, “I like you too.”

“Really? Because you don’t need to say it back just because you’re nice, I’m a lot of things but I don’t know if handsome or boyfriend material is one of them.”

“Rem, I adore you. You are so pretty and you always are comfortable when I’m crying and upset and raging.”

“Can we try this out then?”

“Of course we can. I’d do anything for you, Remus Lupin.”

“And I promise I’ll never make you a sweet weeping soul.”

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thehopelessromanticclub · 1 year

Text

THE KISS CAM

Pairing : Jeon Jeongguk x Y/N

Genre : Fluff, dating au

Word count : 1k

Summary : you appear on the KISS CAM but with the wrong person…

Weekends…

There was nothing special about weekends. For you weekends were boring. It consisted of you munching some potato chips, binge watching Kdramas, living up to your name of night owl. That was it. That was the end of it.

But that was until Jungkook came along, your boyfriend of 6 months. Weekends never felt so amazing…

Loving him was so easy…

It felt so natural…

He was shy. He was tired and messy hairs. He was oversized clothes and ripped jeans. He was whispers at 4 am. He was the smell before it rains. He was the love of her life. A love she never expected would be hers. A love so pure, that it feels to good to be true.

Author’s POV

Ding Dong

“Coming…” you yell loud enough for the entire neighbour hood to hear you before making your way to the door to open it.

There he was standing looking handsome, dashing, cool, amazing as ever… Words were never enough to describe him.

“Ready to go?” He enquired before complimenting how beautiful you looked. He always does that. He’ll call you beautiful even if you were ugly-crying some moments ago. He’ll call you beautiful even if you just woke up and ur face is all swollen up. You were always beautiful in his eyes.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” You chimed in making sure to lock the door before you left.

Jungkook had been so into baseball recently, that he convinced you into going to one of the matches that was being held today.

Time skip

“There, that’s our seat.” He said pointing in the direction of two empty seats, both of you making your way into the direction.

The whole stadium was packed with tons of people. More than half of the population wearing their representative team’s uniform. It was spectacular.

“Y/N, is that you?” You heard a familiar voice beside you, hitting your eardrums, which made you turn your head in the direction.

“Yijoon?”

Hwang Yijoon, or more like your crush during high school. Although you did have feelings for him, but that was a thing in the past. As they always say, first love is never successful.

You grew up, your feeling changed. Both of you lost contact owing to the new chapter of adulting in your respective lives. You both got busy in the marathon of growing up.

You’ve told Jungkook about Yijoon once when he inquired who was the guy in your graduation photo, with hearts drawn all over him. Yes, it was you who drew the hearts, your only means of expressing your love for him.

“Omg, Yijoon-ah, how long has it been?” You were beyond ecstatic to meet him.

“I almost forgot about your existence.”

“Well, that was harsh.” He said placing his hand on his heart.

“You grew up so much Y/N, I almost couldn’t recognise you without your braces and bangs.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” You laughed swaying your hair.

Both of you got so busy in catching up that you never realised the game had started and that you had a human being accompany you today.

Jungkook’s POV

“Sigh…” this is the umpteenth time I have been sighing.

I’ve been trying so hard to concentrate on the game but all I can concentrate is on them. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but it is her CRUSH being referred here. HER F**KING CRUSH.

I so badly want to go and sit between them and tell that guy, “hey dude, we are on a date, and if you don’t mind I’ll have my girlfriend to myself.”

Author’ POV

“Umm…Y/N? Who’s that guy? He has been eyeing us for a while now.” Yijoon inquired.

It was at this moment, she knew she f**ked up.

You quickly turned your attention towards Jungkook giving him an apologetic look.

“Yijoon, meet Jungkook, Jungkook, meet Yijoon.” You quickly introduced both of them.

“Hi, I am Jungkook, Y/N’s boyfriend. I’ve heard a lot about you from Y/N.” Jungkook gave a strong handshake to Yijoon, asserting himself, jealousy clearly visible on his face.

“Hopefully good things.” Yijoon replied.

Before you knew it, it was break time, or should I say KISS CAM TIME.

Numerous couples appeared on the screen, many of them eventually giving in and kissing, all the while, kiss me more by Doja cat played in the background.

“Aww, they are soo adorable.” You squealed clapping your hands, looking at couples on the screen have the time of their lives.

But that was until you appeared on the screen…

With Yijoon…

Oh shit…

You crossed your hands indicating you and Yijoon are not together. Yijoon even tried pointing at Jungkook. But no matter what, the camera wouldn’t budge.

Now even the crowd started chanting, “ kiss kiss kiss….”

That was the end of it. That was the final straw for Jungkook. He pulled you in for a kiss. It was sweet and soft. Our lips were madly in love and married. It didn’t involve tongue. All that was involved was love and longing. Longing for each other.

You could hear the crowd cheering and clapping in the background. But that was all white noise. All that mattered in this moment was you and him. It was your moment.

You pulled away after some time, running short of breath. Your eyes met his.

“Your face is soo…..red. Are you fine?” Jungkook quickly made sure to check your temperature by placing his hand on your forehead.

“I’m fine.” To which he nodded. You could feel your face pulsating, adrenaline still in your veins making a run for it. Conclusion- you were blushing.

“Y/N, you should know you have good taste in men.” Yijoon whispered beside you.

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iraprince · 2 years

Note

Hi Ira! Do you have any tips for drawing characters in perspective/foreshortening? I’ve been trying to learn recently but I keep feeling like the characters end up way out of proportion.

sure! it's a complex thing that i'm sure other ppl have covered more thoroughly/coherently than i have, but i can try to throw together some quick notes on the stuff i tend to keep in mind.

the first one is one i'm sure you already know about and that everyone is sick of hearing but i'm reiterating it anyway bc it's just that important: REFERENCE!!! ref ref ref!!!! even though the intent is often to exaggerate or stylize well past what ref can offer, it's still a great way to train yourself and to start to build up a kind of visual library in your head of how certain body parts tend to behave in perspective, what overlaps look like and how to stylize them, etc. if you can't find reference that suits what you're drawing, try to take it yourself -- this can be tricky w foreshortened poses but if u have a housemate etc who can help you it's worth it. (i always feel kind of goofy when i'm taking my own ref but like, nobody ever has to see it. do it for the art)

the thing w ref tho, and i think this comes out with exaggerated posing/foreshortening even more often than usual, is sometimes u can really faithfully follow ref and stuff STILL looks bad/wonky/just OFF -- because sometimes in real life things just look dumb! that's how it is! that's when it becomes our job to just fudge it, and a reliable way to do that is by returning to basic construction.

so here's an example of a wip layout where i had to figure out a bunch of bodies in perspective. the camera is above the group, looking down at the central figure -- that central figure laying on the floor is not foreshortened, because it's laying flat and kind of directly facing the "camera," but all the figures standing up around it have to be foreshortened bc their heads are much closer to the viewer than their feet. when you think of them as just a bunch of complex bodies, that is really overwhelming.

what helped me a lot was to remember that you can put basically ANYTHING into perspective if you shove it into a box! then you can use those boxes -- which are MUCH easier to accurately draw in perspective -- as a guideline, and basically make sure everybody's respective body parts "fit" into those cubes.

you can do this in conjuction with using perspective rulers/setting up vanishing points/etc, but with enough practice you can just eyeball it and you'll already find yourself way ahead in terms of simplifying stuff and giving yourself guidelines. this is also really helpful with more complex poses -- in this case, the figure in the top right is standing pretty square, with all the different segments of her body facing forward, but hopefully you can imagine how breaking the body into boxes like this can help immensely in cases where, for example, the shoulders are twisting one way and the hips are twisting another, etc. simplifying all these different parts of the body (which are frequently putting themselves into DIFFERENT perspective by moving independently from each other) as boxes or other simple shapes stacked on top of each other lets you organize things visually and figure stuff out one piece at a time, instead of the mental nightmare of "oh my god i have to draw all this wiggly organic stuff all at different points in space"

here's another example. i freehanded this one, but i can try to kind of retroactively break down what i try to keep in mind when drawing stuff like this; a lot of it boils down to just trying to be consistent about how different body parts relate to each other + how that's all framed from the viewer's pov (stylized below as a camera angle):

it helps a lot to think of exaggeration in size as just a tool you're using to tell the viewer how close something is to the "camera." (if you've ever struggled to draw a leg in forshortening because the ankle is thinner than the thigh and trying to honor "closer thing = bigger" while still keeping that in proportion -- this is where using basic shapes in perspective helps!)

i'm struggling a little to explain it in words so i hope the diagram helps; basically, dole out the heaviest foreshortening to the parts that "deserve" it most (are coming most aggressively toward the viewer/"camera"), and worry about it less on body parts that aren't doing anything crazy (for example, in the main image, the torso's relationship to the camera is pretty neutral, so the body is drawn without much foreshortening or exaggeration. in the little camera angle diagram i drew in the top left, though, the body IS heavily foreshortened, because viewed from the front in this pose the head + torso would be sticking out straight ahead.)

this is a way more loosey-goosey approach than the boxes in perspective of the first example; i found this pose less difficult than a multi-character situation so i was winging it. is the "perspective" of this body probably correct? i'm like 99% sure it isn't. but 99% of illustration is just making sure things LOOK right, not necessarily actually DRAWING them right, and you can gloss over a LOT if you just try to make sure the spatial logic in your drawings is like, more or less consistent. once you've tricked the eye of the viewer into being like "sure, i buy that one leg is further back than the other and we're looking UP" or "yeah, it looks like we are looking DOWN at the tops of these character's heads", you can pretty much get away with murder in terms of actual perspective/anatomy, esp if u have a very stylized art style. be brave!!!!

#tutorial #i am fully incapable of being concise lol

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idontknowreallywhy · 7 months

Text

Play it Out - part 3 of… it’s anyone’s guess at this point…

I promise I am definitely fixing this, the two of them are just taking a really long time about it… and this chapter got quite long before I got anywhere near to the point. Err, enjoy anyway?

This will make even less sense if you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2… (AO3 link)

Virgil carefully stowed his tools in Two’s specifically designed storage compartments and stretched, stifling a yawn. He checked his watch - 2am already! Gordon had bailed and disappeared off to bed a while ago but he hadn’t realised it had got quite so late… he’d got thoroughly absorbed in those calibrations though and it was satisfying to have it finished.

He wiped his hands on his jeans and made his way over to the elevator, turning to look back at the big green behemoth as he waited for the door to open. He was now 3 weeks ahead on his ship’s routine maintenance schedule and she was purring like a kitten. Between the familiar but challenging work and Gordon’s background chatter, he’d been doing a great job of not thinking too much either. Which was… good. Hopefully if he ignored the weird existential angst feeling for long enough it would go away and he’d get back into the more healthy habit of loving his life.

Which he did.

So.

All would be well.

As he passed through the lounge he was relieved not to find Scott there working until the early hours again. He’d seemed more tense and frowny than usual the last few days and Virgil was incredibly thankful he’d resisted the temptation to unburden himself to his big brother. The last thing that man needed was anything more to worry about.

Not that he wasn’t eaten up with guilt about it anyway. There was a good reason he was never deliberately untruthful with Scott - it felt like a betrayal even if he knew it was for the best. He was a horrible liar at the best of times, and now he could feel his face burning whenever his brother caught his eye. Every time Scott spoke to him, Virgil’s treacherous heart jumped into his mouth and he was almost overcome by the need to confess everything.

Not that there was much to tell.

Except that he was a fool who needed to get a grip and be grateful.

With stealth borne out of years of practice he crept on silent feet past the rooms of his younger brothers and paused at his own, glancing over at Scott’s. A prickle of… something ran through him and he was seized by the sudden urge to burst in and demand a big bro hug. It had been a few days, in fact, since his last. But Scott slept little enough as it was. Tomorrow, then.

Gosh he was tired. He opened the door and made a beeline for the bathroom, beginning to pull his shirt over his head as he walked. He became vaguely aware of a rustling noise from the vicinity of his right foot and shook it irritably, failing to shed whatever had got stuck to his sock. Flannel tangled over his face he reached down and removed the sock, random scrap of paper and all and abandoned it behind him.

Once the grease was washed from his hands and teeth thoroughly brushed he drifted back into the bedroom and went to stand at the window. He squinted into the grey, his eyes finding nothing to focus on as the low lying cloud reflected the light from his bedside table straight back at him. He shivered, despite the villa’s consistent, comfortable temperature.

Tracy Island’s sub-tropical winters were very mild compared to those he’d experienced growing up, but the cooler temperatures combined with the frequent sea mists still made him long to hibernate. He pulled the blinds down and shut it out.

Flicking through the playlist on his tablet, he sought a track guaranteed to send him extra quickly into the land of nod for who knew how long he had before a rescue dragged him back into unwelcome consciousness. He smiled with satisfaction as he hit play on the snooze-jackpot - a soaring violin solo by a British composer - and collapsed face first on to his pillow to enjoy the fine arcs of spring green sound swoop and flutter around him like the songbird it celebrated.

And relax.

He was just on the edge of sleep and beginning to drool slightly when the change in texture brought by the woodwind entry nudged him awake again and he realised something was niggling at his sense of peace. With a huff he turned on to his side and opened his eyes. What had he forgotten?

The sock stared back at him.

Virgil considered himself a fairly tidy person, nothing on the military precision of his father or eldest brother but preferring a significant level of order higher than the younger two. An abandoned sock wouldn’t usually bother him however but, well, turned out a lot of irrelevant things were apparently bothering him lately.

He slid out of bed and commando crawled over to the sock in order to banish it to the laundry basket. It made a unexpected crinkly sort of noise and he pulled out the paper, realising with surprise it was a sheet of the fancy monogrammed stuff his dad had stockpiled long ago but nobody ever used in this digital age. Curious.

Humming to himself, he unfolded the note and the bottom fell out of the world.

A week’s worth of dropped eye-contact and excuses slammed into him like a runaway freight train. The background music was drowned out by a sudden high pitched ringing in his ears and a nausea that threatened to overwhelm his senses as he suddenly saw his attempts to hide the truth from his brother’s perspective. He looked at his watch and swore profusely - 3am.

How could he have been so short-sighted? So selfish? Of course Scott would interpret Virgil’s avoidance of him as a failing of his own.

And he knew… he KNEW his big brother experienced rejection as physical pain. He may as well have kicked Scott in the stomach. In fact, that would have undoubtedly been less cruel.

He struggled back into his discarded clothes, panic making him clumsy and his mind flooded with memories of seeking out his trembling brother in the hayloft. Of finding his hero curled up in agony, borderline incoherent and paralysed by the conviction he’d let their overworked and well-meaning but infuriatingly oblivious father down *again*. That he’d never be good enough.

It had always been Virgil’s job to look him in the eye and promise him that he was.

Not as much had altered in their adulthood as Scott seemed to believe, except that his over-achieving brother hid that pain better from the world. From everyone except Virgil. Because that certainly hadn’t changed - Virgil would always be there for Scott, would always hear that hitch in his breath, the subtle change in the melody of his voice. He would always catch him as he fell, would always seek him out and would never leave him alone.

Until now.

It must have cost his brother so much to write that note and Virgil had just… not showed up.

Stealth abandoned he raced to Scott’s door, only just restraining himself from barging straight through it - he might be peacefully asleep… maybe.

He cracked open the door and recoiled as a blade of cold damp air rushed into his face.

The room was empty. Bedclothes neat and smoothed down, fluffy scatter cushions at 45 degree angle to the bottom edge of the pillow and… an ancient guitar propped up against the headboard. That gave Virgil pause, Scott hadn’t got that out in… a long time. He reached out and brushed his index finger across the strings. It was in tune. He’d been playing then?

His attention was caught by the curtains billowing from the open balcony door, the luxurious material making a low whomp whomp whomp as it flapped back and forth.

His brother had returned from duty with an Air Force zero tolerance approach to clutter but a very definite inclination towards soft furnishings. He shuddered to imagine why.

Surely he wasn’t still out there at this time? In this weather?

Thrusting the drapes aside he all but threw himself on to the balcony, the exasperated reprimand almost on its way out of his lips before his brain caught up with the fact that both easy chairs were distinctly empty. Two glasses and a bottle of Virgil’s favourite whisky waited on the table between them. Unopened.

His hands white-knuckled on the balcony rail, as he peered out into the mist, racking his mind for where Scott could be - maybe he would have taken a hazardous, self-punishing run up the volcano? Would he have gone to hide on the beach? There were caves down there and some of them were tidal, would his brother be thinking straight enough to choose a safe place to tuck himself away? His heart hammered against his rib cage as he tried to work out where to start. Should he call John?

He half raised his arm to activate his comm and froze as the faintest of sounds interrupted his train of thought - a shuddering breath and a whisper of a sigh.

Virgil spun around and his already compromised ventricles were strangled even further as the shadow tucked into the tiny space between the far lounger, the wall and an outsized plant pot resolved itself into a tight ball of limbs and a pale chin just visible beneath an oversized hoodie.

How like his commanding tower of a brother to try to make himself small.

Little music vibe note: the piece Virgil chooses is The Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams

All the love to @sofasurf @astranite @womble1 @hebuiltfive for incitement their encouragement, sense checking and specifically detailed discussion of soft furnishings.

#thunderbirds #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfiction #virgil tracy #scott tracy #idontknowreallywhy fanfic #play it out #earth and sky #earth&sky #everything is music #music!virgil

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prettypetals-900 · 10 months

Text

Come Back…

Pairings: (2007) Leonardo x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, discouraging, heartbreak, long-distance, letter reading.

Leonardo went to South Africa, and when you say that this is the hardest thing you can go through. You still talk in letters, but what happened?

“Y/N…

Everything is going well over here. The quietness is way different than it is in New York. I almost miss the police sirens and rude people. Know that I think of you everyday and I love you.”

-Leo

You looked at the letter, rereading it so many times you mesmerized it by heart at this point. You clutched it towards your heart; hugging it tightly as though it was Leo and he was here right in front of you. You sighed. “I love you too Leo, so much…” you whispered to yourself looking out the open window.

Hopefully wishing that the breeze that flew in would take your whispered promises to him. You quickly wrote your letter. Your hands shaking with the amount of words you wished you could express to him but words couldn’t fit all of them in paper.

“Leo…

I’m so happy and proud of you. I’m counting down the days till I can see you again. Glad I never left your mind cuz you never left mine. Your brothers and father miss you, April and Casey are living adult life. I am excited to live that kind of life with you. Get home safely and I love you so much.”

-Y/N

You folded the letter making it fit the envelope perfectly. Pasting the stamp in front of it and giving it a kiss. You placed it on your dresser making note to mail it along with his fathers and brothers letters first thing in the morning.

“Y/N…

Everything over here is way different. Innocent villages get terrorized, and I’m their only savior. It’s a lot easier than it is in New York I’ll tell you that. I have no time to write but I still think about you.”

-Leo

This letter seemed rushed, his usually neat handwriting written as though he had no steady surface. Dirt smudged the ink though it was not eligible. Though it wasn’t carefully thought out as his others you still cherished it with all your heart.

You carefully placed it in a shoe box along with his other letters, pictures, wild flowers and anything else that y’all have collected together or he’s given you. You brought out your paper and pen. Making sure to grab a surface to write on.

“Leo…

It’s alright as long as I know your safe. Please continue being the hero I know you are. The villages must be more than grateful for someone like you to look over them. I went out to brunch with April earlier. It was alright and I went to mediate with your father. Meditation as he says is great for the mind. Please be careful and I love you a lot.”

-Y/N

You did your little routine for his letter. Making sure to give it an extra long kiss. You sat in your bed looking longingly in the memory box. Staring at a little Polaroid photo. You and Leo in your apartment.

Laying on your bed you were giving him a kiss on his cheek, eyes closed while he smirked at the camera though a blush was faint on his cheeks. You smiled softly at it. Your just happy Leonardo was safe, and that his training was almost complete.

Looking towards your calendar you looked at the circled date of his arrival. Smiling and giddiness spread through your face and body. Happily skipping to your dresser as you placed the letter on it. You jumped back to your bed.

Your dreams consists of him.

Today was the day! You happily skipped your way to the lair. There at the lever you pulled light spilled across you happy features. You made your way inside balloons following behind you. Don’t even ask how you got it down there. (Such a fucking pain the ass)

You made it in the common room where you saw Donnie and Raph sitting on the couch. Watching something that certainly would rot their brain. “Hey raphie, Hey D.” Donnie waved as Raphael grunted. You put down the balloons and made your way into the kitchen. Passing by a banner that hung you read it.

“Happy birthday Welcome Back LEO!!”

You giggled slightly at the last minute job and very noticeable happy birthday signed hanging. Walking into the kitchen you saw Mikey trying to bake to what seems like it’s gonna be a cake? “Wassup dude, wanna help a turtle out here?”

You giggled and helped decorate the cake as Mikey hummed. “Where’s Master splinter?” “Oh he’s in his meditation room. He said he had a feeling or something. Whatever that means.” He shrugged though you didn’t put much thought into what he said.

Everything was set. The cake, the decorations, everyone was there. Leo was supposed to come through that door any minute now and you couldn’t help but bounce your feet In excitement. You all sat there even though Raph still had his scowl you knew deep don’t that smirk meant he was just as excited as you are.

1 hour…

“Maybe he’s running late. I’ve looked at the traffic it’s completely congested right now I’m not surprised if he isn’t stuck in it.” Donnie said as you all nodded. Right it’s only been an hour. You guys have all day.

3 hours…

By this time Mikey has started playing video games on the tv loudly as Donnie went back to his lab “Give me a holler when he comes!” Me and Raph were the only one looking at the entrance. Trying to spot any movement. April and Casey leaving about an hour ago. “Tell Leo we said sorry that we will make it up to him!”

You and Raph will of course keep watch not wanting to miss a second of him walking in, a whole new leader.

7 hours…

By now it was almost midnight. You stood there motionless. Tense as you can see raph’s silent rage. Mikey and Donnie stood in the back of y’ll waiting for someone to say something, anything. They heard Splinters came tap the ground as he made his way towards y’all.

“Y/N…my sons…” he quietly said. Raph though couldn’t hold his silence any longer interrupting his sensei in a fit. “He ain’t coming right?!” He looked down. That was the answer you all needed. Shoving you and everyone in his way to the side he rushed to his room slamming the door.

It shook the entire lair, though it didn’t bother you. You were still shocked, standing still watching the empty entrance. Mikey and Donnie slowly making their way to their own rooms before you felt a hand on your shoulder. “He’s not coming, is he?”

Looking down you saw it was master splinter. “My child it is much to late to go home now. Come please sleep in Leonardo’s room. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” You nodded stoic faced before walking slowly to his room. It was untouched from the last time he was here. Everything in place. His books, his bed.

Slowly you later in his bed making sure not to crinkle the sheets too much. Talking a deep breath was the biggest mistake you could’ve done as you got his scent. It wafted towards your throat, making the bubble that was already there pop.

Sobs started to shake your body. The silent cries more painful than any wound that was inflicted on you. You couldn’t stop till you passed out from exhaustion holding his pillow tightly to your body, as though you were holding him closely.

“Y/N…

I’m not coming back home. I feel as though I made no progress in my training. An unfit leader for the guys and Master Splinter. Please don’t wait for me. Live on with your life.”

-Leo

You gripped the letter. Though this isn’t with love. It’s felt with pain and dread. Rereading the sentences again, and again, and again till the words and letters started to smudge. Not only in your head but in the paper as heavy globs of tears fell onto it.

Your throat burned as the yells of his name and acid clogged your throat. It felt as though your heart was absolutely ripped out of your chest and stabbed till it no longer beat. You shook as you wrote your letter, knowing damn well he wouldn’t respond. Thought it was messy and sloppy u threw it in your dresser.

Cuddling your pillow, you dreaded the day to come. Having to mail the last ever letter to him. Thinking of that made your heart ache and fresh tears fall silently on your face.

“Leo…

Though I know the letter I have received will be my last from you, I just want you to know this. I will never move on, no matter what you think I will keep on waiting for you and loving you till you come back. I will love nobody else but you. Stay safe and come back to us…please.”

-Y/N

Leo read your letter, losing count on how many times he read it till remembering it by heart. His heart burned looking at the tear stained papers, the ink smudging and handwriting sloppy. Though it was from you.

And it kills him inside. Though he isn’t ready. He’s a disgrace to his brothers, to his sensei, to you. He will come back a better leader and he will never blame you if you aren’t in the picture anymore. He has done that to himself.

He looks down to the letter he’s written. Rereading it thought it seems that words aren’t enough. And why keep refreshing your pain? Reopening your wounds? He ripped up the letter angrily throwing it in the wind. Looking at the other direction from his tree, the wind hit his face making the tears that slipped cool.

The ripped letter blew around before a piece got stuck in a branch. Flopping hazardous before it smoothed out. Revealing the words written out on it…

“I’m Sorry…”

Thank you so much for reading this! I hope you all enjoyed this piece it surely was fun to write! Feedback and ideas is highly recommended! Till next time MUAH!🤍🌻

#leonardo #2007 tmnt #leo x reader #blue #angst #heartbreak #tmnt leo x reader #tmnt au #tmnt leonardo

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evermorehoon · 5 months

Text

❣︎ ⎯⎯ goodbye, my past pt2

idol pairing: sunghoon x reader

wc: 2.1k

warnings: a little angst, mostly fluffy, children being children, he's so whipped for his gf, he gets sad a little here and there

synopsis: you finally have the chance to do something special for sunghoon, who seems to have finally come to terms with his ordinary life

A/N: welcome back to my fave series!! sorry for the long wait omg but thank you for waiting, hopefully I can be a little more consistent lmao. honestly y/n is pretty cute, I like writing her😭 feedback and whatnot is greatly appreciated!! Enjoy <3 lemme know if you wanna be tagged or smth

Masterlist | next chapter | prev chapter

It was saddening to see Sunghoon try denying that he really wanted to be there. It was evident in his eyes whenever he scrolled through his social media that he wanted to support his friends. And yet:

"Nah, I don't wanna go."

"You're getting closer to your due date, I'm scared of missing it."

"I can't afford to go."

He texted them often when they had breaks in between practice. They all seemed so excited at the prospect of him being there, but he kept shooting it down, even if they wanted to give him a free ticket.

He often found you sitting on your bed with your hands on your rather round belly. It was comforting so it allowed you to think better.

'How can I make him go?'

You'd been wondering this for days but you had to think fast. You didn't know just how popular they were so you could easily miss out on buying his ticket. As much as you wanted to be there, it felt almost like you'd cause too much stress on him. Someone could bump into you, you could lose balance and fall etc.

While he was away at his part time job, you ended up texting both his and your parents. You could use the extra help, seeing as you wanted to act in his best interest.

But it seems they thought it was a good idea as well. After all, wouldn't it be great for him to support his best friends who just succeeded in achieving their dreams?

Everyday, you sat in anticipation. You waited for those ticket sales to be open. You were going to get that ticket, even if it was the last thing you would do. You had the money which your parents and his had graciously helped with.

But even with your laptop sitting in front of you, you were beyond nervous. Your hands were clammy and your heart was racing. You needed to calm down, this amount of stress wasn't good for the baby.

Yes, think about the baby. Surely that'll calm you down.

Just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes. Just a few-

...

Was getting a ticket always so hard?? You wondered this as you managed to secure it. Online waiting lines were quite new to you, you weren't really paying attention to the capacity of the concert hall.

You sat with a satisfied look, waving your hands in the air in excitement.

"What's all the excitement about?"

You jumped slightly upon hearing Sunghoon’s voice. He had an intrigued look on his face as he crossed his arms against his chest.

"Nothing, nothing!" You said quickly, waving him off.

"I finally passed this level I'd been struggling with.."

Sunghoon knows when you're lying. He's known you long enough to read your every movement and expression (not in a creepy way of course). But he doesn't say anything further. You probably have your reasons for hiding something from him, he trusted you.

"I see.. since when do you play games on your laptop?" He seemingly snickered since he'd never seen you playing anything other than mobile games.

"New hobby to pass the time," you smiled almost awkwardly. Now that you think about it, playing rpg games was something you used to do.

"So, how was work?" You had a big smile as you rested your hands on your belly, closing your laptop to listen to him.

His eyes always seemed to light up when he spoke about his work. He was lucky to have landed this job, but the owner of the ice rink seemed even more overjoyed than he was to have a former professional figure skater teaching young kids.

He loved listening to the kids ask for help, watching their little faces get excited when they could move without falling. He especially thought it was cute hearing the little voices calling him 'teacher'.

"One of the kids has this very interesting habit of telling me she loves me."

He chuckled as he spoke. He would recall little fists gripping his pants leg to prevent themselves from falling. He had a special talent and incredible patience, which made him suitable for this. Maybe he could even do this full-time.

But he'd agreed to stay part-time for now. Maybe he'd continue doing this after the baby was born. All he knew was that he was going to be there for you, no matter what.

Days went by, even though they felt like years. You were so excited to give Sunghoon his gift that you could hardly wait. You even went the extra mile to craft him a special banner for him to hold up. It was bright with sparkly hearts, surely not a craft Sunghoon would make but would definitely get attention.

Both your parents and his helped you prepare everything. Crafting this felt like an art project you were making late at night on the living room floor. Sunghoon’s sister even gave her own input, even though she wasn't one to meddle in his life.

It was agreed that you would be the one giving him this gift. It wouldn't be hard to make him go, given all 6 of the special people in his life went through all that effort. He could never say no to you, therefore he couldn't deny all of you.

Everyone wanted to make you rest up a little more since it was clear you were becoming more tired as time went by. But it didn't feel special enough if you didn't give him this gift yourself. No amount of pain or constant bathroom trips was gonna make you stop.

You were quite aware of the chances of going into labour at literally any point now given how far along you've been. And, if you had to be honest, it scared you.

As excited as you were, you were just as afraid, often questioning whether you could be a good mother or whether you would be able to give your child the life they deserve.

Sunghoon had grown increasingly stressed as well. The mere sight of you wincing from a sharp kick was enough to send him into a small panic, then immediately followed by him wanting to feel it for himself.

He'd often found himself singing a little to the unborn baby, introducing himself and everything. He loved singing you to sleep as well as it seemed to be one of the few things that could calm you down enough.

And when you'd fallen asleep in his arms, he would lay in contemplation. He was finally able to use his talent of singing even if it hurt him a little to do it. He wondered what his former members really felt about his departure. He wondered just how much stress he put on them, even though they said it was okay.

In truth, he did wanna go to their showcase. His face was never really revealed, so no one in the crowd would recognize him. But, to his slight disappointment, the tickets were sold out by the time he got there.

He sighed mentally but eventually it got him thinking.

‘Maybe I could use that money to buy a ring.’

He so badly wanted to propose to you. He didn't have enough for the shiniest, glittering ring he believed you deserve but he knew that he could propose with a lollipop ring and you wouldn't care.

It wasn't much but he'd been crafting paper rings in his free time at work. Whenever he had even the slightest break, he'd attempt yet another. Some of them would break, some of them were too small or too big, some wouldn't even stay put.

“Teacher!” He heard a small yet high voice coming from the entrance of the ice rink. A smile crept onto his face as he immediately opened up his arms, letting the little girl run into him.

“Yes?” He asked with a gentle tone.

“What are you making?” She pointed down at the stash of paper rings next to him.

A little blush appeared on his cheeks as he chuckled softly before whispering to her. “If I tell you, you have to keep it a secret.”

He held his index finger in front of his lips, making a “shh” sound, her immediate response was to do the same.

“I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me.” He couldn't stop the smile on his face as the little girl covered her hand with her mouth.

“Teacher is going to get married?” She whispered back to him, getting quite excited.

He thought for a split second before nodding. “Yes. I am going to get married.”

She had let out a rather interesting sound before running off and, in that moment, he remembered that kids can't really keep secrets.

After the lesson, the kids were surrounding him on the ice, their little voices piling on top of each other as they wanted to know more about their teacher's soon-to-be wife.

“Guys, guys, calm down…” He chuckled as he quieted them down, slowly guiding them to the exit of the ice and letting them walk one by one to the dressing room.

“Teacher, teacher! Is your girlfriend pretty?” One of the kids asked him as he helped undo their skates.

He nodded. “Very pretty. The prettiest girl in the whole world.”

A series of ooohs and giggles erupted as they continued to ask about the girl that stole their teacher's heart. They were very straightforward with their questions, letting out little giggles when they saw him blushing.

“See you guys!” Sunghoon waved them all off as they walked with their parents. He couldn't stop smiling as he remembered everything he said about you. He didn't see the point in trying to swerve away from the truth, he couldn't really lie to his kids. Everyone knows kids tend to pry a lot so he may as well just tell them.

On his way back to his house, he had a bit of time to think. He was still in contact with his former members but they couldn't speak to him much as their debut showcase was the next day. He leaned his head against the window of the bus, somehow always ending up contemplating everything.

But he has you, his family, a soon-to-be stable job, and a baby on the way. He had a perfectly average life now.

By the time he reaches home, you're already waiting in the living room. You had to try containing your excitement as you tried to imagine the look on Sunghoon’s face when you gave him his gift.

A sparkly banner sat on the living room table with tons of hearts and its message in neon paint to shine in the dark.

“What's that?”

The sound of his voice made you jump slightly as you were lost in thought. He was pointing at the sparkly banner.

“It's something for you to take with you.”

You struggled to get up for a second before approaching him with the biggest smile on your face as your hands were behind your back.

“Where am I going?” He tilted his head slightly, setting his bag down before folding his arms across his chest.

You immediately pulled out the ticket from behind your back, earning the most surprised expression you'd ever seen on his face.

“What?” He sounded like he was in disbelief when he muttered, reading the ticket carefully.

“I really want you to go so I took out some of my savings and our parents helped out too!”

He blinked in response, somehow feeling a little guilty about you putting in so much effort, especially since you were broke and fresh out of high school.

“But.. I don't know, I can't,” he muttered as he gently held onto it.

“Are you saying no to me?”

He looked up at you, seeing that your eyes were slowly watering, sending him into a tiny panic.

“No, of course not! I could never say no to you.” He gently stroked your cheek with his thumb. “I'm just…”

“Are you worried I might go into labour tomorrow?” You held onto his hands, the space between you was a little awkward given how nearly round your belly was.

He nodded slightly. “What if I miss it?”

“I highly doubt it. Our baby loves you too much to come out without you at their birth.”

It took a few more minutes of conversation and him questioning the banner before he finally accepted, giving you a gentle hug as the excitement set it. He was actually excited to see his best friends again, even if it was from afar.

The kids are kinda cute ngl

Taglist: @dracena-somnolenta @seolboba @heeseongism @nyanggk

#enhypen fic #enhypen sunghoon #sunghoon fic #enhypen sunghoon fluff #enhypen au #enhypen headcanons #enhypen fluff #enhypen drabbles #enhypen scenarios

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yourdreamscenarios · 10 months

Text

When they cheat on you I part 2

∙ Request ♡ ∙ Word count: ...

Seokjin

“So, have you heard from him?” Sarah asked once more, as if she hadn’t asked that question a thousand times during the past couple of weeks. You rolled your eyes at one of your most cherished band members and even though you loved her, you wished she’d just leave.You’d banned the topic Kim Seokjin in your dorm for as long as you possibly could. But there was a time a person simply could no longer run from their problems. It seemed like you’d reached that point about a week ago, when your members had been done with your sulking and had told you to call him and talk to him. But that was the thing. No matter how much you it hurt you to talk about what had happened and no matter how much it pained you to hear someone say his name, it was nothing compared to the rage you felt.

It was boiling inside of you, day and night and you were afraid that once you’d no longer have anything left to distract you from all of those bottled up feelings, you’d just loose it.There had never been someone who’d been able to make you feel all of these things. One of the most important people in your life had put a knife in your back and you had never felt more betrayed. He was supposed to be the one who supported you whenever, through whatever. And instead, he had only been thinking of himself and his own needs. “How about no.” You muttered, knowing you were being moody towards them for no reason. They couldn’t help the situation you were stuck in right now. None of it was their fault.

Yet, you couldn’t help but feel like you had to be mad at someone, everyone. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to take it out on something. Take boxing classes perhaps? Maybe they’d allow you to put a picture of Seokjin’s face on your punching bag so you might actually be able to let go of some of your anger. It would feel good to actually be able to put a punch to his face without actually having to deal with the consequences. “Don’t you want to hear from him?” Jaimy asked you from across the room, where she was reading her book on the couch, laying upside down.She was one of those human beings you simply couldn’t seem to understand, no matter how hard you tried.

She was one of the nicest people you knew, but there was something new to learn about her every single day. And hearing her ask you this question, you knew for sure she was rather focused on the novel she was reading than the conversation you were having. “Definitely not.” You said, looking up from the spot behind your laptop to send her a hard stare. As her eyes slowly slipped from the chapter in her book towards yours, she blinked her eyes innocently before going back to her reading. “It might give you some closure, talking to him. Maybe then you can move on, stop being moody.” Kyla muttered softly underneath her breath. Your fingers tingled from the urge to throw something at her while she continued to play her video game like this was some neutral conversation about the weather or your favorite ice cream flavor.

This was your heart they were talking about so carelessly. You had loved that man, for such a long time. You had given him so much of yourself. You had trusted him enough to let him come close to you, to let him know all the small details about you. And still, he’d been able to hurt you the way no one else had been able to do before. You moved back toward your computer, where you’d opened the program which you used for songwriting. You wished there were any more things you could write than lyrics about heartbreak and hating your ex boyfriend, or the way you wanted to slap him with a baseball bat. The last thing you wanted was to have to think of him every single time you had to perform. So these past few days had consisted of you writing them, before saving them in a long forgotten map on your computer where you’d hopefully never have to look at them again.

You told yourself they helped you to progress everything that had happened, but everyone knew that was a round out lie. Why couldn’t your friends just focus on their own problems instead of trying to be your therapist? “We’re just worried about you, you know that right?” Sarah said, looking up from her piano where she had been jamming on some keys, as if she’d heard your thoughts. You demanded your defending posture to back down, trying to convince yourself that was exactly what they were doing. Though, sometimes you couldn’t help but think they were trying to get into the middle of something they just didn’t understand.

You nodded once, then sent her a small smile which probably looked as awkward on your face as it felt. “Oh god.” Kyla said, pausing her playstation so that a big source of sound fell from the room. Frowning, Jaimy pushed herself upright, fidgeting as she tried to steady herself and not drop her book at the same time. The probing on the piano keys faltered as Sarah looked up from her melody to stare out of the window. It had been raining outside since you’d woken up, which was probably the reason why you’d all decided to stay indoors today. A set of headlights flashed throughout the window and you squeezed your eyes as the light shone straight into your eyes as a car parked on your driveway.

You’d recognize that vehicle anywhere. You’d sat in those leather seats so often you’d lost count. The lavender smell still seemed to be lingering inside of your nose. It made all the hairs on your limps rise in discomfort. Out of all the things he’d do, you surely hadn’t expected he would show up at your door. You thought that he’d understand, that after ignoring his texts and phone calls, he would get the fact that you simply didn’t want to see him. But Seokjin had never been one to quit so easily and he wasn’t one to give up on something he wanted. Displease churned inside of you as you realized that all your members would be able to see this entire scene happen.

He’d chosen a hell of a moment to come around for a chat. Listening to the sound of a car door slam shut you stretched out your neck, trying to see beyond the curve of the wall. But you couldn’t manage to spot him before the doorbell rang and he was already standing at the front door. An intense silence fell over the apartment as everybody sat on their spot, frozen. The ticking of the clock in the hall indicated a few seconds had passed before the buzzer went off a second time, and quickly followed by a third. He probably knew you were home and he wasn’t going to give up until someone opened the god damn door. “Well, are you going to open it or are we?” Kyla asked, sending you an uncomfortable look from her spot on the couch. You glared at her while slamming your laptop shut, making sure to make it looked as dramatic as it sounded.

If you’d find out that one of them had something to do with this sudden appearance, then this wasn’t over yet. The sound of your chair scraping across the floor as you stood echoed against the walls and you took your sweet time making your way towards the hallway and to the front door. The thought that he was standing right outside, getting soaked by the pouring rain made you feel a little bit better. Standing on top of your tiptoes you reached to look out through the peephole and to be honest, what you saw made your stomach drop. You’d never expected it to be easy to see him again after what had happened. It was probably one of the reasons why you had avoided sticking anywhere after showcases or watching too much tv these days.

You’d avoided his face on purpose, so you wouldn’t have to deal with all of the negative feelings its sight would have to offer. But now, you couldn’t do anything but stare at him, once again realizing how handsome he was. Once, he’d been yours, before he’d decided to mess it all up. Taking a deep breath that crushed your lungs, you ripped the lock from the door and opened it. His hand had once again been on its way towards the doorbell, but paused halfway as he realized you were standing right in front of him. He was drenched, his clothing sticking to him in a way that would have turned you on not such a long time ago. Now, the only thing you felt when you looked at him was agony. A silence passed between the two of you as you stood on the dry side of the house and the rain continued to tickle on top of his head.

The look inside of his eyes was one you had never seen him wear before. You could sense all the guilt in it, all the pain and the hate he probably felt towards himself. The thing was that you couldn’t bring yourself to care. “What do you want Seokjin?” You asked, surprised that you had it in yourself to sound as cold as you did, while you felt your insides falling apart. A visible shiver traveled through him, and the logical part of you told you that you had to move him out of the rain. If you wouldn’t he’d probably get terribly sick tomorrow. But then you reminded yourself that he had done this to himself, it was his own fault he was standing out there in the cold.

“I just want to talk.” He muttered, his voice straining as he looked at something over your shoulder. You didn’t need to turn around in order to know he was watching your members disappear from the living room, creeping up to their bedrooms. On one side you were glad they were giving you the privacy to handle this without them being all over it. On the other side, you weren’t sure if you’d be able to do this alone. “I thought I’d been clear last time? I don’t want to talk to you, nor do I want to see you. I want you to leave me alone.” You spat, hoping he could feel the heat of the fire inside of your voice. You hoped your words hurt him half as much as his action had hurt you. For a brief second he closed his eyes, as if letting go of something he’d held onto until now.

“Please…” He implored, his voice cracking in the middle of the world. And you realized that perhaps it was his dignity which had just left him, from begging you. God, the strength you held in this situation. It would only take you a second to slam the door in his pathetic face. It would only take you a single breath to tell him ‘no’. But you immediately realized that wasn’t what you needed. Kyla was right, you needed closure. If you ever wanted to move on from what had happened and leave it behind you, you’d have to endure this. It took everything inside of you to put a step aside and let him pass. You could tell he was trying to make eye contact with you as he slipped inside of the house, but you purposely looked down at the trail of drops he was creating on the clean tiles.

You could feel the memories of all the times he’d been in the dorm probing inside of your mind, willing to surface and make this even harder for you. But you pushed them all back, refusing to give into them. You took your sweet time locking the door, checking twice if you’d done it right. And that time you took to pull yourself back together. Taking deep breaths in through your nose and letting them out through your teeth. No matter what he said, you must never forget what he’d done to you. You must never forget that moment you’d found him in your shared bed with a strange woman underneath him, calling out her name. Straightening your shoulders and flipping back your hair, you turned around and walked towards the living room, where he stood at the centre waiting for you. Once he’d been as much at home here as he’d been in his own dorm. Now, he didn’t even seem sure if he was allowed to sit on the couch.

You were sure his wet clothing wasn’t the only thing to blame for that. “Well go ahead, talk.” You said, stilling at a safe distance from him. You didn’t want to smell the soft scent of limes coming from him, or see the reflection of yourself in his sad eyes. You told yourself you had to set boundaries, in order to protect yourself. “I wanted to apologize.” He said, and it seemed that only now that he’d said those words out loud, he realized how they sounded. You squared your shoulders and crossed your arms over your chest as you took him in. You could tell the plan he’d made before coming here was starting to unravel in front of his eyes. This wasn’t some kind of fairytale which ended in happily ever after.

This wasn’t the kind of world where love made you forget all the bad and remember only the good. You wondered if until now he’d even realized how high you’d built your walls ever since everything had happened. He would never be able to break them down again. You’d built them brick by brick, to make sure he would never get back in on the other side. What he’d done, wasn’t something an apology was ever going to be able to fix. “I-I know that’s not what you want to hear. But I’m so, so terribly sorry. I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I never should have done what I did. I will regret it for the rest of my life.” He rattled, wringing his fingers together in front of him. His hair was starting to curl around the ears, in the process of drying up. It was probably the first time you looked him straight in the eye as you answered him.

“Good.” You’d never known you had it in you to hold these kind of grudges, to be this mean. But then again, nobody had ever treated you the way he had. He swallowed harshly, emotion flickering across his face. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself for what you were about to say. “Maybe I’d like to hear your explain yourself one day. Perhaps one day I could handle having a civilized conversation with you again. But not today. Right now, I hope you’ll feel as hopelessly lonely as I did the past couple of days. I hope one day you’ll find out what it’s like to be left in the cold, to have your heart broken into pieces by someone so important to you, you were willing to give them everything. I hope you’ll find out what it feels like to think it’s all your fault, and you’ll have to handle it on your own.” By now a shimmer of tears swam inside of his eyes and it didn’t take long before the first ones rolled down his cheeks. Not so long ago you would have rushed towards him demanding to know who’d made him this upset so you strangle them.

But right now, you were fighting your own battle and there was only one of you who could win. “Right now, I wish you pain.” You croaked, trying to keep your own emotions in check. You weren’t going to cry, not in front of him. It was one thing to tell him how much he’d hurt you, it was another thing entirely to show him. He nodded, brushing off his tears with his already drenched coat. You could tell he understood, and for now you were able to find peace in that. That he knew that he’d been wrong, and that he would carry this mistake with him for a very long time. You hoped he’d be able to use this lesson in the future, even though you’d both had to learn it the hard way.

“And now I want you to leave. If I ever wish for you to contact me again, I’ll let you know. Until then, I hope you could at least respect me enough to give me my space.” You said, trying to make him understand that you did not ever want to see him appear on your doorstep again. He shouldn’t try to talk to you when you ran into each other during broadcasts. That he shouldn’t congratulate you on your birthday or text you to ask how you were doing. That he shouldn’t like your Instagram posts and shouldn’t promote your songs. By the look on his face, you could tell he understood, and you could tell it was breaking him apart. Letting out the air you hadn’t known you were holding you stepped aside, creating room for him to let himself back out. He knew how the lock worked, he’d used it many times before.

“Goodbye Kim Seokjin.” You mumbled, for the last time tasting his name on top of your tongue, the feel op it rolling over your lips. You took him in, remember him like this before burying the thought somewhere in a black box in the back of your mind, locking it and stuffing away the key. His steps trembled as he walked past you, his hand briefly brushing past the sleeve of your sweater as in a final greeting. You felt the love which had once been there glide against your skin, tickle your nerves. But you forced it to trickle onto the floor, together with the trace of water he was leaving behind on the floor on his way out.

Namjoon

“Please, please get into the car. You’ll catch a cold out here.” Namjoon said, sticking his head out of the window from the driver’s seat. With your arms crossed over each other you tried to press your coat closer against your body. Protecting yourself from the wind trying to slice through you. For some reason or another, you seemed to welcome the cold. It was exactly what you needed right now, to sober you up and make sure you didn’t give into whatever your heart was trying to tell you. Tears were still running down your cheeks, but you barely felt them.

Your feelings felt like a hurricane, rushing through you and leaving you breathless. How could he do this to you? After all the time the two of you had spent together. After everything you had shared and the promises you had made to one another. You’d gone through so many hardships together. But in the end, none of it seemed to be enough. Self doubt started creeping in, and your nails pressed half moons inside of the skin of your arms through the fabric of your jacket. No, this was not the time to start blaming yourself. It was something you’d never thought you’d find yourself doing. Thinking someone else’s mistake was your own.

But you couldn’t seem to stop it. Unintentionally, the thoughts started dripping in, and you couldn’t seem to stop them, or ignore them for that part. What if part of this was your fault? Had you started lacking in this relationship? You’d been together for so long, maybe you hadn’t noticed the signs. You’d gained a few pounds while being with Namjoon. You felt comfortable around him, with yourself and your own body. You’d stopped trying to dress up every time you saw him, thinking he accepted you for who you were by now without having to try too hard. After a certain amount of time, you hadn’t bought any sexy lingerie anymore, like that girl in the picture did, because Namjoon knew your body, and you’d expected that to be enough.

“Honey please, at least let me drive you home.” He’d been following you with the car for what felt like hours now. After you’d ran from the house and had stepped into the cold weather, he’d gotten straight into the car and driven up to where you were walking. Cars were honking as they passed by, clearly annoyed by the fact that Namjoon was deliberately holding up traffic. But if he cared about any of that at all, he didn’t show it. A painful giggle squeezed itself out of your lungs. This was the kind of crazy thing that was only supposed to happen in the movies. Straight after, another sob followed, breaking through your body.

You still refused to look at him, keeping a steady pace as you passed several people on the pavement. They were all giving you weird and stunned looks, which you ignored. Was it just the physical part about the relationship though? Or had he simply stopped loving you? Was the feeling you had no longer enough? Your relationship had been stable from the start. There hadn’t been many surprises, many bumps in the road. You’d both always just gone along with it, without complaining much. Was that it? Had he gotten bored? Bored of you, bored of your love? All of this was so funking painful, you couldn’t even believe it was actually happening. You refused to let your mind wonder off to all the things she might have done to please him.

To the ways she’d been able to make him feel better than you had. To the things she’d been able to give him that you apparently hadn’t. You’d never felt so small in your entire life. It was terrible, love being such a beautiful thing, but it was able to shatter you in the matter of a heartbeat. “___________, get in the car, right now.” It was the slight annoyance inside of his voice he usually had whenever you wouldn’t agree with him whenever he was trying to prove his point. It was the edge inside of his words that cause you to turn around to face him. You had no idea what he was seeing inside of your expression when he looked at you. But it seemed to make him flinch and his grip around the steering wheel tightened as he searched for something to say.

“You don’t get to boss me around anymore Kim Namjoon.” You could tell that you using his full name was like a punch in the gut for him, but you didn’t care. Actually, honestly, you quite enjoyed seeing him suffer. Because he couldn’t be hurting half as much as you were throughout all of this. After all, if he was, he never would have done what he did. “Let me take you home __________, let’s talk about this. Please, give me a chance to explain.” He tried, sounding desperate as he stopped the car as you stopped walking. To out standers, you probably looked ridiculous. You looked like a couple being dramatic while having a stupid fight over nothing. If they only knew.

“And then what? Is this the point where you’re going to tell me that you don’t know that woman? Or that nothing happened? That you didn’t fuck her? Or that it didn’t mean anything, and you regretted it from the moment it happened? Or were you going to tell me that you will never do it again? Oh, no wait, you were drunk! Is that it?!” With every word that left your mouth, your voice raised louder and louder. Every emotion was searching for a way out, and it had been a long time since you’d felt this good screaming. Namjoon’s lips parted, as if he wanted to speak up, but you could see it in his eyes, that he had nothing left to say. There was nothing he could say to make up for this. There was nothing he could do to undo what he had done. It was as if he only just now seemed to notice how much damage he’d wreaked.

You ignored the drops of rain which were gradually starting to fall from the sky, landing on top of your head. It seemed as if the weather was feeling sympathetic with you, as if it understood what you were going through, knew what you needed. The sky was crying with you, weeping over everything you’d lost, everything that was no longer to be. In a matter of minutes, your entire life had fallen apart. “I’m not getting in the car with you. I’m not going to let you explain. I don’t want to hear whatever it is you have to say. I’m not coming home with you, not now, not ever. It’s over.” Never in a million years had you expected to say these words to him.

He’d been everything you’d ever wanted, your past, your present and your future. Yet, if that didn’t go both ways, then what had you been doing all along? If all things happened for a reason, then you had a very difficult time seeing one right now. Namjoon looked completely beaten down as the rain tickled down on the windshield, not even reaching out for the wipers. He seemed to be frozen in place, hurt plastered all over his face as he realized he’d lost you, and there was nothing he could do to make it right. You looked at him one last time, and swore there would be a day when you’d look up at his face, and you would no longer feel the agony you felt right now, as you turned around and walked away.

Hoseok

Sweat was dripping down your forehead, your back and in between your breasts. Your breath coming out in little puffs as you let the music flow through you. Your feet moved to the beat without even trying, not missing a single step. By now you’d gone through this choreography so many times, you barely had to think about it. But that wasn’t what you wanted. You didn’t want to think. You wanted to get lost, lost in the moves, in the melody. You didn’t want to give your head the time to register everything it had seen, everything it had learner over the past few hours. After you’d fled from Hoseok, you came straight here, and you’d been here for hours.

You’d watched dancers come and go, and you were the only one staying behind. It was almost four in the morning, and your body started protesting. Fatigue was trying to take over, your arms becoming heavy and your feet getting slowed down. But you refused to give in. You knew what would happen when you got home, to your quiet apartment, which hadn’t felt like home in a long time since you’d practically moved in with Hoseok a few months ago. Going back there, it felt absolutely horrible. You’d always thought you’d sell the place, gather your stuff and live happily ever after with the love of your life. You should have known it sounded too good to be true.

You were afraid that as soon as the quiet would gather around you, you would no longer be able to fight the feelings threatening to drown you. That the images of him snogging that girl would pop back into your mind, and they would never leave again. If you’d decided to go home, you knew you’d never been able to sleep in the first place. The song ended, and you were planning on pressing replay, when all of a sudden, a knock sounded on the door. The studio had been deserted for hours now. Most people came here at a reasonable hour, and not in the middle of the night. Your step faltered halfway towards your phone, and you turned your head towards the door just in time to watch it open.

You threw your head back and let it rest in the back of your neck while staring up at the ceiling as you saw who entered. “Oh fuck me.” You muttered, tugging the band out of your hair, only to gather it back up on the top of your head and turn it into a messy bun. Hoseok stood in the middle of the doorway, clearly looking uncomfortable. At first he couldn’t even look at you as he fiddled with his hands in front of himself, his gaze pointed towards the floor. You wanted to yell at him, and all the frustration you’d been trying to hold off seemed to swirl inside of you just by the sight of him. Yet, after a few seconds, as if he could tell he’d caught your attention, his eyes met yours. Your jaw clenched painfully as you saw the look on his face.

What did he expect? For you to feel sorry for him as you spotted the guilt written all over it? “Get to the point of get out.” You snapped, making your way over to the other side of the room where you’d put your phone on a chair. Scooping it up, you shut down your music app and grabbed the towel lying beside it to wipe away your sweat. The silence inside of the room was deafening after the blasting of the music had stopped. If you hadn’t known any better you might have wondered how he had found you here. But the two of you both knew where you went in order to let off some steam. There was nothing that helped you better to clear your head than dancing. A thing you both had in common. A thing you’d both been passionate about.

“I swear what you saw in there is not what you think.” He started, and you shook your head, throwing the towel into your bag and zipping it up. Were you seriously supposed to stay here while he was going to give you that bullshit? “What do you take me for? Are you really going to treat me like I’m stupid?” You asked, and you could see the alarm bells going off inside of his head as he listened to your snappy response. You wondered how he had expected this conversation to go. If he’d come here with the thought that he still stood a chance of he only apologized.

“Because if not you wouldn’t say such a thing. Are you going to tell me she forced herself on you? That you weren’t enjoying yourself when I walked in? Because it sure as hell didn’t look as if you were going anything against your own will.” It surprised you how sober you felt while talking about this. It was as if you had the lead role in some kind of movie. As if the life you were living right now wasn’t yours. You knew that once everything would sink in, you would probably spend hour on end bawling your eyes out. You would scream, and scold yourself for letting him go. For not forgiving him and taking him back. It was going to take you a very long time to get over this. “I didn’t mean it. If I could undo it, I would right now. I don’t even like her. She’s been after me for weeks…”

You felt like punching him when he said that, and you were very close to growling at him. Everything he said enraged you even more. It was like adding oil to a flame, growing out to become a terrible, uncontainable fire. “Don’t you dare put me up against her! They were your actions! You did this to us! And I will not accept you blaming another woman for your own stupid behavior! You make me sick!” You yelled, and all of a sudden, you knew you could no longer be in the same room as him. He no longer resembled the man you had once fallen in love with. You had never once thought that he’d ever do something like this to you. But neither had you ever expected that he wouldn’t own his own mistakes.

Grabbing hold of your bag, you swung it over your shoulder as you walked towards him, making e beeline for the door. “And if this is what you see as an apology, then you have a lot left to learn.” You were so close to him it would only take a matter of seconds to overcome the distance between the two of you. It would be so much easier for you to forget all of this had happened, and just say that you forgave him, move on. But you would never be able to live with yourself if you did that. Whatever had been between the two of you, it was broken beyond repair, and it could never be mended.

“I never want to see your face again. You disgust me.” His bottom lip actually trembled at your words, and his hand fisted at his side, as if he had to stop himself from reaching out to you, to stop you from leaving. But you could see it in his eyes, that he knew there was nothing left to do. This could have been beautiful, the life you could have had together. It could have been something you’d both dreamed of. But now, it had turned into something that would never be, something you would never know.

Yoongi

Walking into the café, you were immediately hooked on the smell of coffee. It used to give you an adrenaline rush, and the smell always made you happy. These days, there was a negative feeling being thrown into the mix. Somehow you couldn’t help but letting the feelings from last time you’d been here come forward. It had seemed like the easiest thing to do, meeting up again in this spot. Where you’d found out, and where you wanted to see things through until the end. Plus, it somehow didn’t feel right to do this at your place, or at his. Either of you needed to get the chance to get away as soon as they felt like it.

And you didn’t want to have the memories of this conversation lingering in your home after it was over. The fact that you had to have this conversation on its own, was terrible enough as it was. You gave the barista your order, and slid into a booth in the corner of the room after she confirmed she’d bring it to you as soon as it was done. A deep sigh escaped from you as you leaned back against the seat, gazing out of the window. You’d avoided this moment for a while. It had been quite a lot for you to wrap your head around after Yoongi had given you the information he’d cheated on you. You appreciated him for telling you in person, sparing you from the shame of having to find out through someone else.

Two weeks later you still didn’t feel ready to face everything. Not seeing him had helped you giving everything a place inside of your mind. But knowing he would be here soon and you would have to endure this conversation had your heart beating double time. You had definitely gone through a few of the stages of a breakup the past couple of days, and you were absolutely exhausted. As he told you what he had done, you hadn’t been able to grasp it. It was a reality you didn’t want to know existed. You couldn’t believe that the man you had loved to fondly, had done this to you. No matter which excuses he thought of. You had never thought he would be capable of doing something like this.

By the time you’d gotten home after finding out, you’d been so incredibly angry. Angry at yourself, for trusting someone as dearly as you had trusted him. You had given him your heart. Christ, you had given him everything, and he had thrown it all away. And for what? For one evening with someone else? To forget his problems for a few hours? But most of all you had been angry with him. Furious for what he had done to you, and for how much he had hurt you. Angry, for telling you the truth, because if he hadn’t then at least you’d still been happy. Disappointed, since he didn’t love you enough to not need anyone else but you. You’d been angry for a very long time. You still weren’t done being angry to be honest, and you knew you would be for much longer.

And then the process had started of trying to figure out what you were to do with everything he had told you. How could you possibly move past this? He had betrayed you, your trust and had indirectly told you that your love was no longer significant to him. And apart from that, he had proven to you that you could never put your trust in him again. Because what would prevent him from doing this again? He said he was sorry, and that might be true. But one could feel terrible about something, but still repeat that action. Trust that was once broken could not be restored. A relationship depended on it. Without it, it didn’t mean anything. You wanted to pretend it had never happened, deny the entire thing. But that was impossible.

Every time you thought about Yoongi, it was as if there was a hole inside of your chest. Your heart broken into tiny little pieces. How could something so beautiful be destroyed by one action? And after crying your eyes out for days, not having any appetite, and not being able to get out of bed, you had finally decided that it was time for the two of you to talk. You needed to get this over with, because otherwise you would never be able to get any closure. “One latte.” You looked up to see Yoongi putting your coffee down in front of you. Inside of your chest, your heart had no idea what it was supposed to do. For the first second it betrayed you by fluttering softly. But the next, it seemed to shatter, and a pain you didn’t know you could feel without any physical injury took master of you.

He looked just as handsome as he normally did, but there was a certain sadness that felt like a shadow all around him. It seemed to follow him everywhere he went. As he sat down across of you in the booth, you noticed he looked exhausted, as if he hadn’t had any decent sleep in days. “You look tired.” You spoke before you could change your mind. Internally you scolded yourself. The last thing you wanted was for him to think that you were worried about him, not after what he’d done. “Yeah, I’ve had a hard time sleeping last week. Can’t seem to quiet my mind.” After that, an awkward silence fell over the two of you. It was as if you were both trying to hold on to what had been, even if it was just for a few more minutes.

Because you both knew, that once either of you would speak up, that fantasy was about to come to an end. “I’m really glad you asked me to come. I thought you might no longer want to see me after…” The remaining part of his sentence was floating around in the air, and you both didn’t want to finish it. You cleared your throat and brought your coffee up to your lips, taking a sip without actually tasting anything. It gave you a minute to collect your thoughts before answering. “At first I didn’t.” His lips pulled together in a sad smile at those words and he sighed before combing his fingers through his hair. He looked sincerely sad because of it. His gaze drifted off towards the table, as if he was no longer able to look at you.

“Listen, I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time now. And the truth is, I don’t think I can forgive you for what you did. I would be lying to myself if I’d tell you that I would ever be able to move past this. I just can’t. You really hurt me Yoongi.” Your voice was soft, as if even after all of this, you were still scared of hurting him. He leaned his elbows on top of the table, resting his face in the palms of his hands. You couldn’t tell whether he was crying, even though you knew he wasn’t someone who was easily emotional. “I know. I don’t deserve for you to forgive me.” His voice sounded hoarse, and there was a part of you that wanted to reach out to him, giving him a gentle squeeze.

But that part of you was broken and so your hands remained where they were. “I really respect you for telling me the truth when you had the chance. But right now, I think you’re an absolute asshole for what you did.” He dropped his hands, and his eyes looked slightly red as he looked at you. He was drinking you in, as if this was the last time he might ever be able to look at you from this close. “But, maybe because of your honesty, we might be able to be friends one day.” Because no matter how difficult this was, and no matter how much you hated him right now. He wasn’t the kind of person you wanted to miss being in your life. He smiled sadly, running his fingers across his wet cheek. “I’d like that very much.”

Jimin

Coming soon...

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livums · 3 months

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Why I haven’t written in several months

Im being dramatic—it’s been like 3.

Hello writeblr buds, I miss u and I hope the past few months have been as kind and restful as possible 🥰 I realized it’s been some time since I’ve written anything (or written anything about writing anything) and for some reason it’s of some importance to me that it doesn’t look like I vanished or lost interest/commitment to the space.

I’m trying to quit my fuck ass job :/

I have a whole lot of feelings about the job + the field itself and why I think my time in it is drawing to a close, but I probably won’t take the time to write about it here, unprompted. What’s much more exciting for me is, I think, my goal itself.

I realized in like November that I’m doing that thing again—waiting for my life to start. It started when I received an art book Kickstarter reward in the mail and held a very pretty holographic print in my hands up to the light in my bedroom. My bedroom walls were bare, and had been for the past year and some change, when I moved into this unit. I hadn’t felt comfortable decorating knowing I’d be moving out in “only two years”. I caught myself waiting for permanent stability again. Oops! My bad.

I spent hours decorating my walls with all the prints I’d accumulated over the past several years and I felt…. A way. I started using stickers in my journal.

What was I waiting for? What the fuck was wrong with me?

I’ve known I wanted to center art and creativity in my life for as long as I can remember. I’m not going to blame my parents or whatever, but I was told over and over again not to throw myself into pursuing art as a career. It’s not financially viable. “You’ll never make a red cent.” I’d never told them at all that I wanted to do art for a living. I convinced myself for a long time that I didn’t. Lol.

Before I graduated from college in 2020, I faced a decision. I could go to art school, I thought. I could get an MFA. I held an art school catalog in my hand that is requested in the mail. I’d carried it everywhere for months.

I went to grad school instead. Not that I’m bitching about getting into such a prestigious program in my field, but it always felt like the ultimate compromise. It’s something I could tell my parents about and have them be proud of me, while hopefully I could devote time to art on the side. It’s what I’d been doing for the past four years—compromising. I had a professor or three notice, even. Lol.

I moved to a new city in 2020, alone. I was turbo depressed. One day, I spent hours watching animated student films on youtube and bawling my eyes out. Before I had graduated from college, I’d faced a decision and chosen wrong. I asked myself over and over—What do you do if you chose wrong?

Grad school was a nightmare, and I’d rather die than go back, but I don’t even necessarily regret going, I think. I think it was important for me to be in this profession, at least for a time. Maybe this is just me coping, lol, but going to grad school inspired much of what I ventured to write in 2022 and 2023.

Anyways, when I recently held that holographic print up to my bare landlord-white walls, I realized that if I waited any longer to let myself live my life how I wanted, then I was an idiot. In kinder words. I have no excuse not to. I’m giving myself massive grace by believing truly that the past seven years were not a waste of time, but I can’t lie to myself that I’m satisfied with the way my life is right now.

The point is-- I’ve slowed down writing recently because my focus has shifted to art. I’m DEFINITELY not done writing. Not at all! I just realized that if I want to achieve my goal of making enough consistent money off of art to leave my job, I’ll have to start treating art like a second job. Between devoting time to my fuck ass job, to art as a living, and to writing seriously, I’m in kind of a pick-any-two situation. Before, it was fuck ass job and writing seriously. I want to eventually be focused on art and writing as the pillars of my livelihood—that’s my ultimate dream. And we all know that writing is the longest game of creative and financial delayed gratification ever, lol.

I haven’t really talked about this that much on my other socials, lol, but for whatever reason I woke up this morning and felt like I wanted to give an explanation for my sparse writeblr presence. As I hopefully get to scale back to part-time clinician in the future, I hope to get back into some of my stories and start re-breaking old bones into something new and revitalized.

AN EE WAYS, if you’ve read all that, thank you. Mutuals, if u want my discord, feel free to pm me! I’m not disappearing (I will be on tumblr just as much as I have been, which is to say, daily), but I’m much easier to reach by other means. I’ll be (and have been) posting much more on my art blog @lurrkingly as well! If you’d like to um. Witness Me, I’m most Witnessable there or on my art Twitter (also @lurrkingly). (I also have a spicy art Twitter linked to the main one, which I hope to probably be. Siphoning off of for income one day soon. Praying etc.)

I have a game plan, my partner is an excellent support (I think they like playing manager, LOL), and I think, I really think, that I can do it! 🥰🥰🥰

Ok bye MWAH! I like you guys and I’ll never leave! 🎉 💜

#writeblr #chitchat #heyyyyyyy lol

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your-poetic-lifeline · 3 months

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How the Legends Would React to A Confession

I don’t know, just a simple idea to start myself off! hopefully everyone’s in character or at least not too far off the mark.

characters included: lifeline, rampart, ash

consists of: the reader’s hypothetical confessions, some instances of rejection but nothing too harsh.

word count: 500

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Lifeline

“Ha! You serious?”

Lifeline is quite amused, taking on a teasing tone while trying to see why you like her. She’s leaning in with her elbows propped on D.O.C. and definitely getting a kick out of your nervousness if you’re the type to get flustered. If she likes you back, that’s when her tone sweetens and she may even seem a tad shy herself while letting you know the feeling is reciprocated. Would likely plan an outing with you before you part ways.

If she doesn’t like you back though, she’s still just as caring while letting you down slowly. She really appreciates the honesty and it probably makes you closer friends.

“Chin up, eh? You’re still my friend. I’m still with you.” While patting your shoulder or hand with a warm smile.

Rampart

Actually, how likely is she to be attracted to someone? I feel like it’s rare for her. More people have probably liked her than she could even reciprocate?

Any confession she’s gotten, she’s brushed it off with a laugh and brash response.

“Really now? Somethin’ wrong with your head, mate?”

It probably takes her a moment to gauge how serious you are when you confess. Past confessions were from people who didn’t know what all they’d be getting into. Honestly, I think the most fitting reaction for her would be a rejection.

“Sorry, but you’re gonna have to find some other bloke to fancy. Got other things in my life to focus on.”

But let’s say she reciprocates. She goes a bit quiet, brows raised and blinking like an owl before she forms her words.

”Well… wow. Thanks… uh… wanna grab a pint?”

Ash

Maybe Ash is more likely to reject a confession as well? I just like the idea of her accepting it. Begrudgingly at that since she’s supposed to be apathetic and level headed in her idea of perfection.

“Unacceptable.”

Her tone is shocked, but adamant. If she likes you, this confession of yours shook up her steady process of ignoring her own feelings. But she has harbored a peculiar liking towards you, so a side of her finds it hard to say no. She finds your bravery somewhat commendable as well. It’s not everyday someone confesses to a murder bot.

After seeing the dejected look on your face at her initial reaction, it makes her feel something adjacent to guilt. That look alone convinces her to be more honest in her response. She’s not supposed to be feeling anything, but she does; and it’s because of you unfortunately.

Her back is towards you as she shakes her head with a troubled sigh. She walks off, and you think this is her rejecting you. But then she speaks again.

“Not a very ideal outcome…” Given that she usually doesn’t tolerate distractions to begin with, “But perhaps one i am fine with.”

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#apex legends #apex legends headcanons #apex legends x reader #apex x reader #apex lifeline #apex rampart #apex ash #apex legends fanfic #apex legends lifeline x reader #apex legends rampart x reader #apex legends ash x reader

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blankweiss-sb · 9 months

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Birthday drabble

Okay, so this might play in the same verse as the gift drabble I did for @hiding-in-the-vault

CW: blind Dream, blood and torture mention, Pandora's Vault time, un-beta'd

People were blind, they'd always been. Not literally blind, in most cases, but ...metaphorically, metaphysically, definitely emotionally. How could everyone be so wary of him, Bad mused, yet be so totally dismissive?

" Looking forward to curling up underneath a warm blanket." Antfrost yawned, the leather of his gloves stretched and worn but still steady and sturdy. Etched spells lined the seams.

When Antfrost had won a parkour challenge, Dream had gifted him these gloves with a grin and the boious claim of having bought them of one of the villagers in the village the parkour challenge had been held.

However, the gloves consisted of well-treated warhog hide - not pig hide. How the others had ever swallowed that lie Bad would never understand since villagers wouldn't have been able to access the Nether - or treat the warhog hide with diamond dusted sponges. Or enchant it with Admin-specific spells.

"You sure you're ok with taking my shift?"

Bad forced his lips to move, stretch and part, smile but not too brightly. "Yeah, go get some good rest. Only come back when you're properly rested, you silly muffin." When sharp eyes didn't waver away from Bad's face, he let his smile fall, not quite shatter, just shrink a little. "I don't have anyone waiting for me, after all."

Antfrost winced, cringing away, any suspicion hopefully wiped away and redirected. He kept his silence until they stepped in front of the hissing portal.

"Bad...you good with taking half my shift? I could stay here, you know, keep you company. You...don't actually have to be all alone." Antfrost shifted as his ears folded back and his tail wrapped around his armor covered shin.

Well, Bad didn't want that. Now, how to discourage Antfrost...ah.

"Aww, thank you but all's good." He chuckled and mimicked ruffling the top of Antfrost's head, right between his ears. Antfrost ducked away long before Bad's hand would have made contact.

"See if I care about your feelings again." Despite his parting shot, Antfrost waved and skipped through the portal.

Less than a minute later, the portal screeched and shattered at the press of a button. Now the only two inhabitants of the prison were Bad ...and Dream. Just like Bad had planned.

(Sam was ...out. He hadn't told them were he was going and Bad didn't really want to know. It was a good thing. If he didn't see Sam, it was easier to dismiss the mounting urge to rifle through another forgotten but barred with three locks vault. Nobody would benefit from Bad taking up his Scythe and wielding her to her full extent again.)

Turning on his heel, Bad marched towards the center of the prison, past check-ins, levers and iron bars until the sulfur stench of the lava burned his nostrils. His hand paused on the lever to the bridge and Bad prepared himself mentally. His other hand slipped into his pockets, curving around the rind of the Gapple he smuggled in. Its enchantments zing across Bad's palm.

With a firm breath, he pressed down the lever and the bridge groaned inching forward. Bad hurried to the front, hissing as lava droplets sizzled onto his armour when the lava curtain spluttered and stopped.

His breath hitched.

Had Bad been complaining about the sulfur stench? It was roses and daisies compared to the iron tang in Dream's cell air. Not to mention brown and dark red splattered against void black and crying purple was much more nauseating than the ever-shifting red-orange-yellow.

Dream himself had pressed into the corner opposite to his water hole. Or rather, he'd wrenched himself into the gap between the wall and lectern, somehow, muscles tense and shaking. (Not enough food - or not the right one as molding potatoes languished underneath the droppers. Admins needed way more than potatoes, especially molding one. Keeping up a server took energy, being connected to One took even more. Bad didn't believe the latter was in effect at the moment, or Dream wouldn't be here anymore.)

This was painfully familiar - only with less torture and Dream having been much, much younger.

Dropping to the floor, Bad crossed his legs and hummed. At the first note, Dream froze before a small noise vibrated through his mouth. Bad didn't know the words to the songs he was humming. He was merely humming the song back to its creator.

After humming another of Dream's humming songs back to him and a couple of lullabies, Bad smiled as Dream slipped from his hiding spot and settled against the wall. His smile widened into a grin when Dream tilted his head and Bad opened his mouth-

The mask slipped to the side, revealing just a sliver of Dream's face. It was enough. One milky eye, blood-crusted, stared at Bad's collarbones.

Dream's small smile dealt a fatal blow to Bad's heart.

Bad rearranged things in head - he needed a plan, he couldn't, couldn't, how dare they - took a second and a breath. Gulping down any negativity, he almost cooed. "Heya Dream."

"Hullo Bad, how nice of you to visit me."

Hadn't Bad seen the smile or his eyes or heard the almost crumbling of his voice, those words could have been sharp and cutting with their sardonic edge - or at least be taken as such.

"Is today my birthday or what?"

"In fact, it is."

"O-oh." No matter how humorous Dream's little falter was, laughing was the last thing on Bad's mind. Especially when the tension in Dream's body returned. "Going to give me a birthday present?"

It was so painfully clear that Dream was expecting violence. Bad hated it.

"Indeed, I will." Dream flinched when Bad flipped his dagger open and pulled out the Gapple, carefully cutting the enchanted fruit into pieces. The sound of the weapon slicing through its flesh must be scary or traumatic enough for Dream to begin trembling.

If Bad knew the words to whisper to reassure Dream, he would - but he didn't. He didn't and it was his own fault. No matter what Dream had done - and really, thinking about it, had it been any worse than what other members of the Server had done? Or at least, the punishments here didn't fit the severity of the crime, not when every other member of these lands got off scot-free - he didn't deserve this.

"Hey Dream." Bad shifted until his knee was touching Dream's. Dream almost choked on his own tongue as he tried retreating but only hit a wall. (Don't react.) "Open your mouth, dear one, the sun's coming."

For one second only the lava and the crying obsidian talked, in hisses and screeching - then a long-missed sound echoed through the cell.

Dream's wheezing laugh was lovely to hear, without any malice or taunting staining it.

"Bad, what the fuck, I'm not a little, sick kid anymore! You used that then! Like, seriously?!"

"First off, language, secondly..." Bad reached out and squeezed Dream's four spindly fingers before wrapping them around a slice of the Gapple. "Here's your gift. You've got the rest, too, but I kind of need to feed it to you now. I'm gonna look at the lava now, just tap my hand when you want more."

Settling his hand to Dream's knee, Bad turned away. For quite a while, nothing happened. Dream did absolutely nothing, Until muscles contracted underneath Bad's fingers and he listened to the scraping of Dream's mask against obsidians, small bites as teeth crunched down on an apple, the shuddering sobs and sniffles through Dream's nose while he was choking down a thin Gapple slice.

A finger feathered against Bad's knuckles, and Bad pressed another Gapple slice against it, only for it to be snatched away.

He didn't know how long it took - the cell didn't have a clock - but Bad estimated that Dream used an entire hour to eat one Gapple. Bad's resolve solidified when he turned around and carmine skin edged Dream's eyes. Dream's cheeks were still wet with tears.

"Happy Birthday, Dream."

Dream answered with choked laughter and pressed his knee against Bad's. He even patted the spot next to him and Bad didn't hesitate to slide into it. (Despite the dried blood on the wall, floor and Dream himself.) As soon as Bad settled down, Dream turned and buried his head into Bad's collarbones.

Slowly, slowly Dream dozed off. "Thanks, Dad," he whispered, like it was a secret, like no one else was ever supposed to know.

Bad had plans to make.

And a vault with three locks to unlock and rummage through.

#c!dream #c!badboyhalo #dsmp au #admin au #mention of c!Sam and appearance of c!Antfrost

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icansoiwill · 1 year

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Heart Of Stone Chapter one: Meeting

~Summary: When you met Joel for the first time you didn’t ever think it would become the journey it has. He’s changed you and you have changed him. Was it for the better? Maybe. Was he hinging something from you? Possible. But through all of this you know that you were meant to know him.

~Pairing: Joel Miller x f!Reader

~Words: 1.1k

~Warnings: I can’t think of any...

~A/N: I don’t know how updated this series will be or how long it will be but, I’m already working on the second chapter!

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The Boston QZ was the kind of place that made almost anyone feel the human misery of a run down squalor in the post outbreak world. It was a place to sleep, shower, and maybe have a bite or two. Those necessities were about it. I hadn’t been here for long, maybe 2 months. I already met a few decent people, but no one to stick close to or trust. Being here was something that wasn’t ever going to be a permanent situation. I just needed a bed to sleep on and enough food to feel like me again before moving onto the next. The showers were probably the most amazing part of the QZ. With showers being far and few between on the outside, one could muster up a real nasty body oder.

Residing in the QZ meant beginning each day “contributing to society”, or what was left of it. I began to get into a routine, which I had yet to determine if it was good or bad. Each day started with a quick stop at the food pantry to get a slice of bread and maybe a small bowl of cardboard flavored oats, then the rest of the day was used to burn the dead and infected or clean up the new streets that they were expanding into the QZ. Cleaning the streets is where I met Tess.

On my first day getting the assignment, Tess showed me what to do. Scrape up any of the ridiculously overgrown weeds, pick up weapons or broken glass, and grab any infected that were killed by a FEDRA officer to put into the back of truck. Me and Tess always made small talk, which kind of only consisted of her asking me random questions and talking about her “guy” This “guy” sounded dreadful to me honestly. Brooding and unemotional was all I heard from the way she described him.

“You should come meet him in person.” She offered.

“I wish I could, tonight I am gonna get settled in the apartment they gave me. But maybe some other time.” I replied lying though my teeth. With that Tess stopped talking about him and began asking more about me again. Where are you from? How were you able to survive on your own? Were you born after the outbreak? I tried to keep my answers short, at the time I wasn’t looking to make any friends.

“I was born a few years before the out break in Texas. But of course, once the outbreak began my family didn’t stay there long.”

“Well, if you had a family where are they?” Tess questioned. I wished she didn’t push that much. “Sorry, I know I’m asking you a lot of personal stuff right now. Just trying to make some conversation with the new girl.” I sighed quietly with a slight relief. Hopefully quite enough that she did notice.

“Yeah, I just don’t talk about it a lot. I’d rather keep it that way.” I told her. Much didn’t happen the rest of that first shift.

Over the past two months here, me and Tess became what one could call friends. Maybe more acquaintances. However, we had each others back which was something I admired about her. I still hadn’t met the guy she talked about, which I found quite weird. One would think that by now I could’ve at least put a face to the name. Joel. Joel sounded like it had a lot more charisma to it than what I would’ve thought for someone who sounded so gloomy.

“Alright everybody, We’re done for the day.” A man said through the FEDRA speaker from the other end of the street. The group began to gather their tools together and make way to the ration station that was set up by the end of the street. Tess had her stuff together and went ahead of me. I struggled to grab my gloves and face mask that fell on the ground. I eventually got myself together enough to try and catch up to make my way to the ration station as well. I began to look down to make sure I did in fact grab everything when I ran into a chest. Everything, once again fell to the ground in a loud thud.

“ugh” the man groaned.

“I should’ve been paying attention, sorry about that” I said to him not looking up. Instead, I look down at our feet and see all of my things spread out on the ground. I bend down to start picking things up. The man just stayed quiet and began to help pick up my things. I went to look for my mask when I saw his hand holding it in front of my eyes. That is when look up and met his eyes.

They’re brown.

His eyes were the first thing I noticed. Something in his eyes seemed so familiar.

“Thank you” I told him as I grabbed the handkerchief mask from his hand.

“No problem, Ma’am” he said with a slight southern accent. He began to turn away. I could stop myself from asking…

“Do I know you from somewhere?” I blurted to his back. He turn around to face me. “Sorry, I just… I don’t know there just something familiar about you.”

“I don’t believe we’ve met” he stated.

“Oh okay, yeah.” I replied flustered and confused. Closing my eyes to shield myself from any possible embarrassment.

“But” I heard him say with a soft tone, “I was thinking the same about you.” I knew it…

The man looked at me like he knew he had to of seen me before. His face didn’t reveal much. He stared at me longer than i was expecting. His eyes seemed to move around my head studying my features. He face gave away the idea that maybe he wasn’t going to be forgetting me again.

“Hey! You two finally meet.” Tess said from behind the man. “Joel this is (y/n), (y/n) this is Joel”

“Oh so this is (y/n)” Joel flatly says to Tess. The tone he just gave was very different from the one that had come out of his mouth less than a minute ago.

“Oh and you must be Joel the broody guy that Tess has told me about” I stated back to Joel.

“They’re about to close up, You better go get your rations” Tess says to me.

“You told her that I’m broody?” Joel question Tess.

“I mean I didn’t say that in so many words, but maybe it came off that way” Tess tell him, “plus, be nice. I think she could be good for helping us on runs.” Tess smacks his chest as they watched me grab my rations.

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pteroducktyll · 9 months

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FtM Hysto Recovery + Tips (Plus general tips for dealing with low/no spoons or recovering from any surgery)

I haven't been on Tumblr for years, but recently re-joined to check out art, as I start to work on getting my idea for a graphic novel off the ground (as well as getting serious about improving my art again). However, I'm hoping these first few posts get found by an entirely different audience. This is being written in 2023.

I'm going in for a laparoscopic hysterectomy on Thursday (today is Monday) and want to share my experience, as much as spoons will allow, so that other people can hopefully benefit in the future. I, personally, have struggled to find things online that fit my situation as a trans man with a history of pre-cancerous pap smears, abnormal bleeding, PID and ovarian cysts (but not PCOS). Although hysterectomies for "GRS" or gender affirming surgery purposes are easy to get where I live, mine in particular is primarily being done to avoid cancer and to stop the abnormal bleeding and random debilitating pain that comes out of nowhere every few years and upends my life for weeks/months. So if you're someone facing the prospect of a laparoscopic hysterectomy, regardless of your gender identity, and have a history of medical issues (but not PCOS or endometriosis) in your reproductive region, this blog may help you! Or, alternatively, if you're a trans man looking to get a laparoscopic hysterectomy, whether or not you've had issues in that region, this might help you, too!

It should be noted that this is written from the perspective of someone in their 30s with a complicated medical history, including Type 2 Diabetes and a very rare kidney disease (which has an average life expectancy of 29 years for men, but we aren't sure how it affects trans men), so the pre-surgery process I've been through is not the typical one. I also have chronic pain and know from my past experiences with very severe pain that a) I have a low tolerance for any pain beyond what I deal with day-to-day and b) I have a high tolerance for opiate pain medication, which means it takes a higher dose for me to address the level of pain that a lower dose would address in someone else. These both affect the length of time that I'll likely need to be on painkillers, and how functional I'll be while I'm on them. This, in turn, affects how quickly I'll be able to do things like return to work and driving.

I should also note that although it's common in some places for this surgery to be completed as day surgery, my jurisdiction almost always keeps people in overnight; this is because it takes almost 24 hours for the anesthetic to work its way out of your system, and until it does they won't have a true indication of your pain levels and, therefore, won't be able to make sure it's adequately controlled before sending you home. It's much easier (in my experience, and according to the doctors!) to stop you from having pain in the first place than to get it under control once you do.

Also, I live with my partner and a roommate, and my retired parents are about 90 minutes away and have a guest room. My support network isn't huge, but it's high quality. My partner managed to get 3 days off work for my surgery and the 2 days following, and after that is on a light workload for about a week in case she needs to take care of me. She also has a lot of flexibility with her job, and her boss really likes me, so if there are complications or she needs to spend more time at home to look after me, I don't think it's completely out of the question. All of this is to say that I'm going into this surgery from a very privileged place, in terms of not having to do much to look after myself in the aftermath. My surgeon did advise me, however, to take 1 week (for sure) off work if I could, and that I may need a second week. My work consists of two research jobs that draw heavily on my brain power, but don't require me to move around at all, especially as I work from home, so the issue is the painkillers, rather than actual healing time. Other jobs will require different amounts of time off work.

Because I'm neurodivergent and like to have as many details as possible about ... literally everything, I'm going to make this as detailed as I can. Essentially, I'm hoping to share everything I know and experience without leaving anything out. If it's too much detail for you, I'm going to be doing my best to include useful headers.

Notification of Surgery & Lead-up

I received notice about my surgery just over a month before my surgery date; it was around June 26th that I was emailed and told my surgery would be on August 3rd. I had previously met my surgeon in January, and was told it would be a 6-8 month wait until surgery. Between that appointment and being given my surgery date, I'd had bloodwork done, as well as an internal ultrasound. I've had several internal ultrasounds before and while they are far from pleasant, they are not as dysphoria-inducing for me as they are for other trans men, I'm sure. I am more physically uncomfortable during them than mentally/spiritually uncomfortable.

In the notification email, my surgeon sent additional attachments; about 200 pages of information from a) their office specifically and b) the health authority [one document about hysterectomies, one document about recovering from surgery in general]. These documents answered most of my questions, and also had instructions about fasting, pre-surgery instructions (there's a special sponge I have to buy and use the night before surgery and the morning of surgery) and recovery information. The documents were very generic, and because they came from different sources, the information was sometimes contradictory. I, personally, took the information on board in this order of trustworthiness:

Things my surgeon had said in-person during my consultation appointment in January

Things included in the information from my surgeon's office directly

Things included in the documents from the health authority

If there were contradictions that seemed extremely important (e.g. one document said to wash everything my face with the special sponges, while another said, in all caps, to absolutely NOT wash my head or face with the sponges), I followed-up with the surgeon's office or the most appropriate person (e.g. pharmacist).

Pre-surgery Appointments

Because of my medical history (diabetes and Alport's Syndrome), I had an extra step in here. My surgeon required me to have a consultation with my internal medicine doctor's clinic (but not with my specialist) to get the all-clear and make sure my risk level wasn't too high. This doctor made some assumptions about the medications I'm taking, which led him to think I had both diabetes and a heart condition, which would have put me in a much higher risk category. Because of that, he ordered extra bloodwork, and an ECG, and booked a follow-up with me for a few days later. That initial appointment with him ended on the assumption that the surgery likely would be postponed. However, the bloodwork and ECG all came back fine, and at the follow-up he gave me the all-clear and said my risk wasn't very high at all.

I had a few other pre-surgery appointments.

One was with the surgeon. In my case, the doctor actually doing my surgery is a resident colleague of the surgeon I initially consulted with. Now that I had a specific date for the surgery, and my life situation had changed a bit since the consultation (e.g. work), I asked to meet with the surgeon to ask questions that had come up since the initial consultation, and so that I could meet the person who would be cutting into me and make sure I was comfortable with her. She answered all my questions really well, and it turned out I was more comfortable with her than the original surgeon. This was a quick 5-10 minute talk, but I highly recommend asking for it, even if your surgeon hasn't changed. You'll have another chance to talk to your surgery just before being wheeled into the OR, but you'll be nervous and may be medicated by then, and it's just nice to have this conversation ahead of time and in an environment where you can look at a list of questions you've written down, and actually pay attention to the answers.

The hospital required another two appointments before surgery:

The pharmacist

About a week before my surgery, the pharmacist called for 5-10 minutes to discuss my current medications, supplements, vitamins and holistic medicines (if I were taking any) and to find out what time of day I take them at. Easy peasy.

2. The anesthetist

Exactly a week before my surgery, the anesthetist called to discuss the operation itself and the anesthetic. I'm not sure if the doctor I talked to will be the anesthetist who is actually in the room with me, or if it was just her job that particular day to call and get the information that will get passed onto the one who will be in the room. She was very nice, and explained the method of anesthesia, as well as how I'll likely feel when I wake up, etc. She also saw on my chart that I have a history of chronic pain, and zeroed in on my back and shoulder. She asked if there are any positions that make me more comfortable, and then explained the position I'd be in for my surgery -- tipped back toward my head -- and that this sometimes gives people back and shoulder pain even if they don't have any to begin with. She said my arms would be alongside my body, fairly tight to it, and I said that would be fine. I practiced laying them beside my body later that day and promptly discovered that's actually pretty painful for one arm, but I'll mention that when I get there and hope for the best! If I was having the conversation again, I'd answer by saying I wasn't sure how that would feel but that I'd practice it before the surgery day to see, and then ask who I could talk to if it turned out there's a better position or if that one wouldn't work. Ultimately though, the surgery should be 1.5 hours to 4 hours at most, so I'm not overly concerned. What you should take away from this if you're having this surgery and don't already have back/shoulder pain is that you might wake up with some, but that it should go away in a day or maybe a little less. This type of surgery also requires the surgeon to inflate your belly with gas in order to make room for the scopes and so that they can see what they're doing. That gas can stick around for a day, sometimes two, according to the anesthetist and can be a little bit painful or uncomfortable. I can't remember anything else that came out of this conversation.

In terms of pre-surgery appointments, that was it.

Tips and Tricks for Being Prepared

The next little bit is information I acquired through talking to my therapist (who's had several laparoscopic surgeries!) and many hours of research online, as well as living as a person who often has few spoons.

Get your first 1-2 weeks of meals planned and ready in advance. For me, this means I've picked up a large number of cans of Alphaghetti-type foods, and I'll be buying as many frozen meals as I can but have VERY little freezer room because my partner and I share with our tenant. Other options include things like HelloFresh, identifying nights when it will be easier for your partner if you order food in (if you can afford to), making big batches of food leading up to surgery while you're well and then freezing them, creating a list of meals you'd appreciate friends bringing over [remind them to bring them in disposable containers, so you don't have to feel guilty when it takes you weeks to get the containers back to them!], etc

Buy some Depends/adult diapers. I bought store brand (Life brand, specifically, which is Canadian) ones. The only ones I could get were maximum absorbency unless I wanted to pay twice the price for name brand ones, but I suspect I could do with a minimum absorbency one. I bought the underwear-style ones. In the store brand, they don't look very underwear-like at all, but if you have more money to spend, some of the name brand ones look convincingly like underwear! I also bought 'Unisex' ones, but would have bought womens if the unisex ones weren't an option; I suspect the mens' might have a built-in bulge area that would be awkward for me. The point of the adult diapers is that their 'waistband' is not a traditional waistband -- it's about 8" tall, very thin, and crinkle-cut so that it doesn't put pressure on your skin. This will stop you from having clothing pushing on your incision sites. BONUS is that they ARE absorbent, so you won't have to also wear pads to deal with discharge (which can, apparently, last for 6 weeks). Try the Depends on for a day a few days before surgery. Yes, it will be awkward and you'll feel silly. I am literally sitting in bed, with nothing wrong with me, wearing nothing but an adult diaper and a tee shirt while my partner's at work. But this has 2 purposes: 1) chances are you haven't worn these before, and you want to make sure you've got the most comfortable ones you can in terms of fit and style; 2) if you've worn them once already, it'll be familiar when you go to put it on when you're ready to leave the hospital; you'll know which side is the back and which side is the front, and the 'weirdness' of wearing them will be less unsettling. You're going to have other weird stuff going on, this doesn't have to be yet another weird thing happening!

If you live alone or your partner doesn't (or can't) change the sheets, layer sheets on the bed. That's right, layer your mattress with bottom sheets. That way, you can peel the top one off and have a cleaner sheet beneath it. It won't be the same as being able to sleep on a fresh, clean sheet straight out of the cupboard or dryer, but it's going to be better than the one you've slept, sweat or, universe forbid, bled on.

Get a LEAKPROOF (truly) travel mug with a handle. After surgery you'll have maybe one comfortable position to lay in. You're not going to want to get out of that position to retrieve your water, but you're also going to need to be drinking a lot of water (it helps you recover, and also helps get your bowels moving again). Being able to lose your water in the bed is a luxury, but a necessary one. I got mine at Winners for pretty cheap.

Get a nightie or onesie. I usually sleep naked. I don't really own pyjamas -- when I need to cover up to sleep (like when I visit friends or travel), I throw on a pair of joggers, or boxer briefs. But those both have waistbands and, remember, we're trying to avoid waistbands. I ordered a sleep shirt from Oodie, which was on sale, but still expensive (I paid around $60, including 1-2 business day shipping because I didn't think of it until the last minute), as well as a halloween one-sie from Old Navy that's apparently leftover from last year's halloween stock. I'm expecting the onesie to be way too hot, but I need something I can wear out in public in case I have to get groceries, or pick something up at the pharmacy, or stand outside because the building's burning, without exposing myself. I also borrowed a robe to go over the sleep shirt when I leave the hospital.

Have whoever's picking you up bring 2 pillows. One goes between your abdomen and the seatbelt, and you sit on the other one.

Have whoever's picking you up bring fast food. When you leave the hospital you're going to either be ravenously hungry or feel like you never want to eat again. Either way, fast food is going to be the one thing you didn't realize you needed so badly in your life until that moment. Your body's going to be craving carbs and fat, and fat is also what's going to help your pain pills kick in.

Have ice cream, chips or other junk food on hand. This is mostly so that you have something to eat when you take your pain pills. Fatty foods help opiates work faster; as someone who takes them several times a month for chronic pain, I've sometimes noticed a difference of -hours- between taking them with fatty foods and taking them on their own.

Get a walking aid. We use our abdomens for everything. If you don't already have something like a cane, pick one up. Keep the receipt though; if you don't end up using it, you can usually take them back. With that said, my therapist said it's at about the 2 week mark when you feel like you actually need one. If you don't have a cane but you have walking/hiking sticks, dig them out and keep them handy.

Grab some baby wipes. You can get laparoscopic incisions wet, but that doesn't mean you're going to feel like you have the energy or endurance to shower right away. You're still going to want to keep your pits and bits clean.

If you take daily medications, organize them in a pill organizer. Things can get confusing when you're on painkillers, or when a partner is dishing out your meds. You know exactly how many you take, and how often, so the best way to approach this is to get a pill organizer and get all your doses for a week ready before your surgery. Monday AM, Monday PM, Tuesday AM, Tuesday PM, that kind of thing. There's nothing worse than being on painkillers and trying to remember if you've already taken That Very Important Medication You Can't Miss or not. Or, worse, not even realizing you've missed something that can give you withdrawal symptoms, and suddenly waking up a few days after surgery feeling worse than you've ever felt in your life and wondering if you need to go to the ER, only to have it turn out that you missed your meds.

Buy something for yourself that you can look forward to. I bought a video game that I've wanted for a couple of years that was finally on sale. I haven't touched it, and won't until sometime after surgery when I feel up to it. Giving yourself a little reward when you're going through something hard is always nice.

If you're diabetic...take a minute before your surgery to remind your partner/anyone you live with/anyone who's going to be looking after you about how and when to check your blood sugars, what numbers are abnormal for you, and what to do about them. Being ill or recovering from a surgery can really throw your diabetes out of whack, even if it's well-controlled beforehand, and recovering from surgery might make you feel a lot of the same symptoms you'd feel from a hypo/hyper or DKA, so make sure you (or someone else) test your sugars regularly and have things on hand to deal with abnormal or worrying results.

Take your phone everywhere. Painkillers (and pain) can make us unsteady. As someone who's taken a fall and had to wait hours for my partner to wake up and find me and help me back to my feet (and then bed), I don't recommend it.

These are the things I know about pre-surgery, but I'll try to update...eventually if I learn anything new post-surgery.

#transmasc #trans guy #trans man #transmasculine #ftm trans #surgery #medical stuff #hysto #hysterectomy #disability

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bronzeeditsx · 4 months

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Maya fanfic part 12!

sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, I just lost a bit of motivation and had a bit of a writers blank, but I have some more ideas now so the next chapter shouldn’t be as long of a wait. Thank you for your patience. 🫶

The next few days consisted of you doing viewings for your apartment and some one had made an offer.

Turning the key and opening Maya’s door you were greeted firstly by Mocha.

“How did it go?”. Maya asked, watching you bend down to pet him.

“Some one made an offer”. You replied, a smile displayed across your face.

“That’s great”. She said, bringing you into a hug as soon as you stood back up.

“Have you heard anything about the new apartment yet?”.

“No not yet”.

“I’m sure we will soon”.

“Hopefully”.

“Hopefully on your birthday tomorrow”. She said, with a big smile.

“That would be good”.

“It will oldie”. She teased.

“I’m only five months older than you”. You rolled your eyes.

“That’s a long time”. She chuckled.

You laughed and walked into the kitchen to get a snack as you were hungry.

“So what would you like to do tomorrow for your birthday?”. She asked.

“Hmm…we could go to the beach if you want?”. You knew Maya loved the beach and she hasn’t been yet since joining, you wanted to make the day enjoyable for both of you.

“Are you sure? what’s the weather going to be like?” She replied trying to not seem as excited as she really was.

“I think it’s meant to be sunny for a few hours, then it will go cloudy. If it’s too bad we can just walk around the shops for a bit, but it will probably be too cold to go in the sea”.

“Okay, but i’m use to going in the sea whatever temperature”.

“Oh sorry Guernsey girl”. You joked sarcastically. You’ve lived in Manchester your whole life so you only went to the beach if it was summer or if you were on holiday.

She laughed at you slightly pushing your back. This made you slightly hobble to the side due to your cut foot that was still healing.

“Heyy”.

“Have you been hobbling around all day for the viewings?”.

“Slightly”.

She laughed back at you.

“It’s my birthday tomorrow, don’t be mean”.

“I’m only joking”. She replied wrapping her arms around you and softly kissing your neck.

“Hmm”.

“I’ll make it up to you tomorrow”.

“Okay”. You smiled.

- The next day -

Slowly opening your eyes you realised it was your birthday. Usually you spent past birthday mornings with your family, however this year since you were going out with Maya to the beach earlier on, you were seeing them later for dinner.

Speaking of Maya you looked to the side of you and noticed she wasn’t there. Sighing you realised she was probably already downstairs so you would have to get out your nice warm bed. As soon as you got downstairs you saw Maya making breakfast.

“Good morning”. You said, with a tired smile.

“Morning…no, no I was going to give you this in bed, I didn’t know you were awake”.

“May it’s ok, i’ll just eat it now that i’m here”. You chuckled.

“Are you sure?”. She asked.

“Yes,i’m sure”.

“Alright then, I just thought since it was your birthday…happy birthday!”. She said eventually, too busy focused on preparing breakfast she forgot to say.

“Thank you”. You laughed as she brought you into a hug.

“I’ll give you your presents later”.

“You didn’t have to get me anything”.

“Of course I do, it’s your birthday”.

“Usually I just get bank transfers nowadays”.

“Oh..well not this year”. She smiled, handing you breakfast that she cooked.

“Hmm are you sure you made this, it actually looks nice”. You joked.

“Heyy, i’m an amazing cook”.

“Has anyone told you that?”.

“Well…no, but I think I am”.

You laughed back at her. “Well I think you’re an amazing cook”.

“Aww thanks”. She replied, slightly blushing.

“Do you still want to go to the beach in a few hours?”. You asked.

“Of course, i’ve been excited all day”.

“Aww how cute”.

“I’m not cute”.

“Yes you are”. You chuckled.

- A few hours later -

“I can’t find my bikini anywhere”. You groaned searching through every crevice of Maya’s bedroom and some boxes you haven’t fully unpacked when you said you were going to unpack them a week ago.

“Do you want to open your presents now or later?” Maya asked.

“I don’t care, i’m just trying to find my bikini first”.

“Oh…ok sorry”. She said disheartened.

You brushed a hand along your face. “Maya I didn’t mean it like that, i’m sorry of course I care about what you generously got me. I’m just stressed as we’re already half an hour behind because of me”.

“It’s fine, I understand I shouldn’t have asked you now”.

“No it’s not your fault”. You replied wrapping your arms around her and straddling her lap as she sat on the side of the bed, watching her bedroom become a mess.

“Well if you can’t find your bikini I guess you’ll have to swim naked”. Maya joked.

“I’m not sure if the other people on the beach will like that”.

“But I would”.

“Very funny Le tiss”. You replied, playfully pushing her head to the side.

“Hmm that’s a nickname you’ve not called me before”.

“Well i’ll call it you until we find my bikini”. You said getting off her.

“Well I like it”.

“Of course you do”. You chuckled. “Oh and i’ll open my presents at the beach as we won’t have time now”.

“That’s okay”. She grinned.

You were now in Maya’s car along with her and Mocha as you started your hour long drive to the beach. Eventually you managed to find your bikini that ended up at the pit of the box you typically last looked in.

Luckily the weather was on your side as the sun was creeping through the clouds but it was still quite windy and chilly.

There was a few people along the sandy beach but not many as it was November. Maya walked Mocha as well as carrying the bags as she insisted.

“It’s so nice here”. You said as you lay a blanket out for you both to sit on.

“Yes it is, reminds me of home”. She replied with a big smile. She then let Mocha off his lead as there wasn’t that many people around. He straight away made a break for the sea.

“I can tell someone loves the beach”. You said, watching him splash in the water.

“Yes, whenever I go back to Guernsey with my family we always take him there”. You then looked back to her and she was already undressed ready to go in.

“Someone’s eager”.

“I’ve just not been swimming for awhile”.

“Same to be fair”. You then started to get unchanged, however it was so cold you started shivering finding it hard to even take your t-shirt off.

“C’mon you get used to it after a bit”.

“I dunno it’s too cold, but i don’t want to get my shirt wet”.

She then rubbed both your arms. “It’ll be fine, just stay close to me..you can wear my shirt if you want”.

“N-no i’ll just brave it”.

“You sure?”.

"Yep”. You replied not confidently at all.

Slowly you made it to the shore, dipping your toes in the freezing cold water. Maya quickly merged herself into the water as if it didn’t faze her at all. Cold water swimming is meant to be good for you.

“C’mon it’s not that bad”. She said, holding out a hand.

“Maybe for you”.

“I’ll ease you into it then”:

“Fine”. You replied, holding her hand then slowly going deeper, even though your body fought against it. But unexpectedly she then pulled you up to her quickly submerging your whole body. “Heyy”. You whined as you were in slight shock, however not long later you realised she was right, it wasn’t that bad.

She held your thighs as you wrapped your legs around her, still trying to gain as much heat as you could.

“How are you feeling?”. She asked.

“Well a lot better now i’m next to you”. You chuckled.

“Good”. She replied, however you noticed her eyes were starting to wonder down.

“My eyes are up here”.

“Y-yeah”. She replied, her face starting flush, she couldn’t be discreet at anything to save her life. Instead you lifted her chin up and brought her into a kiss, her hand moving to hold the back of your neck.

“Hmm”. She hummed after you broke the kiss. However not soon after your body started shivering again.

“Do you want to get out now?”.

“If that’s okay”.

“Of course, I don’t mind as long as you’re okay”. She replied, starting to carry you out the water, you still wrapped around her. Mocha then started following you back to your belongings.

“I need to leave in a few hours for my family dinner anyway”.

“Oh yeah, that’s fine”. She replied handing you a towel, but quickly looked you up and down one last time before your towel surrounded you. You just laughed at her, but couldn’t help but do the same.

Unfortunately there was nowhere for you to get changed so you thought you would have to uncomfortably wear your cold, wet swimwear under you clothes until you got home.

“Do you want me to shield you with the towel if you want to get changed, there’s no one else around”.

“Actually that would be good thanks”. Shortly you did the same for her and started packing some things away.

“I’ll give you one present now and the rest later”. Maya said with a big smile.

“Aww thank you, you really didn’t have to ge-“. She covered your mouth before you could finish the sentence.

“Here”. She replied handing it you. You then nervously opened it. She didn’t take her eyes off you, watching for your reaction.

It was a pandora necklace with a heart on it.

“Oh my God Maya this is so beautiful, but they’re so expensive”.

“That doesn’t matter, you deserve it”.

“Are you sure?”.

“Of course i’m sure, let me see it on you”. She clipped it on and as she lay eyes back on you her face lit up.

“You look incredible”.

“Thank you”. You replied, quickly wrapping your arms around her holding her body close. “I love you softie”.

“Love you too”. She replied trying to hide the tears that were nearly falling down her cheeks.

“Aww don’t, cos i’ll start crying now”.

“I-it’s because it’s windy”. She said unconvincingly.

“Yeah right”. You giggled.

She laughed at you whilst wiping her eyes, you doing the same.

“Let’s get some lunch then, i’m hungry”.

“Me too”. You replied, but couldn’t stop smiling.

The rest of the day consisted of you having lunch at a cute coffee shop and walking Mocha around the small village. Before you knew it you were already back at Maya’s.

“Here’s one last present before you leave”. Maya said, with a big grin.

“You’re too kind”. You replied, and starting unwrapping it expecting nothing much. It was a pandora ring that matched the necklace. “Oh my God, Maya I can’t take this, you’ve spent too much”. You said almost in tears again.

“I want you to have it”. She replied, putting it on your finger, it fitted perfectly.

“I don’t know what to say…thank you”. Bringing her into a hug once again.

“I didn’t want to give it to you earlier in case you lost it in the sea”.

“Yes knowing my luck i probably would have”. You laughed.

“Well I hope you have a nice time with your family”.

“Would you like to meet them?”.

“Oh um I dunno, i’ll have to look after Mocha, I do want to at some point though”. She said nervously.

“No it’s fine I understand, but i’m gonna miss you”. You said leaning towards her.

“I’ll miss you too”. She replied, moving her hands down the sides of your dress. You brought her into a kiss, trying to savour every second with her before you leave in a few minutes.

Pulling away your breath taken by her, you watched her face filled with love.

“I should actually go now, I don’t want to be late to my own party”.

“Fine, but promise you’ll come back later, I have something else for you”.

“You got another thing!”.

“Yes”. She smiled.

“Okay, I pinky promise”. You replied linking your little fingers together. She laughed back at you, watching you walk towards the door however you couldn’t help but kiss her goodbye one last time.

“See you later”. She grinned.

“Bye softie”. You hugged her and made your way to your car, she watched until your car had turned the corner and out of sight.

#maya le tissier #muwfc #muwfc imagine #maya le tissier x reader

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