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furiousgoldfish · 2 years

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signs you were not doing well as a child:

you spent most of your time in your room/alone, not because you wanted to, but because it was the safest thing to do

you had to worry about whether you’d be able to eat safely that day, or if you’d be met with insults, attacks and/or being chased away from food

you wanted to inflict harm onto yourself and felt it was normal to want to harm you

you inflicted harm onto your body

you spent a long time having imaginary conversations in your head where you tried to prove somehow that you were not as bad as everyone make it seem, or that someone cares about you

you sank into obsessions in order to get thru whatever was going on

you felt as if you were barely making it thru, and if there was just one more thing you’d have to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to take it

you had wild fantasies about someone taking you away from all of this and taking you somewhere safe where you wouldn’t be despised

you never felt at home, you felt like you didn’t have a home

you looked for every possible place to hide, in order to feel safe for a little while, both to keep your enjoyment secret and in case of a danger, you needed to have a hiding place

you were scared of all of your enjoyment being taken away the second people found out

you had to spend more time doing chores or taking care of others, than you could spend developing your own friendships and life

you felt inexplicably and endlessly lonely, you dreamed of one day having friends and it felt unreachable, impossible, like asking for too much

you never cried, or hid when you cried, feeling ashamed and weak

you over-indulged into a tv show, or a computer game, or a piece of media, to the point where it didn’t feel like you lived at all unless you were interacting with it

sometimes the insults and the shaming you endured got to you to the point where you believed things would be better if you didn’t exist

you were constantly trying to check if your parents actually cared for you or not, and took any tiny hint of attention, even negative attention, as a possible proof that they might care, but you could never know for sure which it was

you were scared of getting abandoned, getting kicked out of the house, getting left on the street, you even tried to plan what you would do if it happened

you had moments when you felt like the worst person to ever live

you thought about ending your life, to stop the pain

you felt guilt and shame so large, you thought there was nothing in the world that could possibly redeem you

you ran to hide when your family member would come home, you couldn’t bear being seen in ‘their part of the house’ (living room, dining room)

you were reluctant to admit anything that was bothering you to your parents or caretakers, because you already knew they would either blame you, or use it against you

you spiraled into dark thoughts, all on your own, telling no one

you experienced feeling so numb and lifeless, you didn’t know what was wrong with you, and it scared you

you couldn’t imagine yourself going far in the future, or accomplishing much at all, you felt it would be a miracle if you’re alive later on

you tried to blame yourself for anything that had ever happened to you, trying to get control over it, trying to make it so it doesn’t happen again

you got into media that is restricted for children (extreme violence, gruesome horror and gore, sexually explicit and sexually violent materials) and you absorbed it and told no one about it

you endured being harassed or violated by a predator and told no one about it

you were constantly scared of what everyone else was thinking and saying about you

you were ashamed of things you did and said and worried endlessly that somehow you caused something bad to happen

you felt as if your worst fear would always, always come true

#child abuse #abused child #child neglect #traumatic childhood #emotional abandoment #checklist #not doing well #psychological abuse #emotional neglect #neglect

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tigressjasper · 1 year

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DO NOT INTERACT TERFS AND TRANSPHOBES THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOU

#we feel this all deep inside of course if …#cat.txt #personal #stick figure violence #emotionally immature parents #emotional abandoment #cw anger

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mysoulbreak · 1 month

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‘I understand that I’m not perfect, that I can be clingy and overly emotional but I just want to be important’

- me

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thismightbeacryforhelpwhoknows · 1 year

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i have a talent for loneliness, i would be alone in a crowd. but it is entirely my fault.

i run from embrace and hide from people's warmth because everytime i've had it before it has been stolen from me and i will be left on the floor, broken and bloody. again.

i shut down and keep them out but still silently demand that they see me. i want them to push back when i tell them no and fight me to stay because how else can i be sure that with me is where they want to remain.

all the while, there is a little girl sat alone on the floor, cold and alone, in need of hand to guide her back to a home she has never known.

#depression poems #depressing shit #mentally unhinged #its getting bad again #childhood trauma #bpd vent #abandoment issues #tw abandonment #fear of abandonment #emotional abandonment #abandoned

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theunknownrecipient · 8 months

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You have to talk to me 24/7 or I'll think you're abandoning me.

#emotional abuse #abuse survivor #actually mentally ill #actually traumatized #mentally fucked #narcissistic abuse #tw abuse #abandoment issues #abandoned #actually neglected #fear of abandonment #heartbreak

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gsatoru29 · 7 months

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Why I connected more with Blitzo.

#helluva boss #blitzo #abandoment issues #sensitive #emotions

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thevoid-isthe-onlyone-ican-trust · 1 month

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Right when I think I am sane again...

I fuck up.

Right when I think I only need myself but having a partner would be nice...

I fuck up.

And then I break down in tears begging you to not leave me like this. Begging you to forgive every mistake I ever made.

In these moments I really see that I do not deserve you. You deserve someone who doesn't hurt you.

I love you with all my heart and I would do anything for you but I have a loose mouth and I talk faster than I think. I say the stupidest shit and immediately regret when I realize what my words have caused.

I called you and you picked up... Despite the fact I hurt you...again.

And I am so thankful because I was so so so so close to cutting your initials into my thigh. No I am not exaggerating, yes that was my first thought when my breakdown started.

Even the thought of loosing you makes my eyes go red from crying and my body, breath and mind shake.

I can't imagine a future without you. You are my everything.

I breath for you.

Please don't leave me, I'll do everything you want and of course I try to watch my mouth more.

I wish I could just sew it shut so my words can't hurt you anymore.

I love you I love you I love you please never leave me I will fucking kill myself if I have to live without you. I love you I love you I love you I love you

Before anyone says that this is melodramatic I am on this app to let my feelings and thoughts loose so if you judge me then just unfollow me.

#mentally unstable #obsessive love #yanderecore #obsession #yandere #tw yandere #yancore #yandere thoughts #yandere blog #yandere coping #yanblr #obsessive thoughts #obsessive yandere #actually obsessive #mentally fucked #mentally exhausted #emotional #emotional attachment #abandoment issues

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whump-they-it-is · 6 months

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AI-less Whumptober

No.30) Mindgames

Lou 2022

#whump #logan marshall green #whumptober #ailesswhumptober2023 #mindgames #lou #tears #emotional whump #abandoment issues

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archaic-influence · 6 months

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i could always find you,

even in the gloomy sky.

#photography #aesthetic #emotions #manic depression #bpd #feelings #photoshop #destruction #female writers #i miss you #abandoment issues #mystery

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perhapsiamaplant · 17 days

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"Everyone I trusted disappears, breathing life into my deepest fears"

-Bottom of the Ocean | Blink182

#blink 182 #bottom of the ocean #abandoment issues #lol #im in severe emotional pain lol

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pumpkinthevixen · 8 months

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I'm sorry you missed the day I came home. I'm sorry you left my Mom all alone. I'm sorry you missed the first time I walked. And I'm sorry you missed the first time I talked. I'm sorry you missed tucking me in at night. I'm sorry you missed turning off my light. I'm sorry you missed me getting my first fright. And I'm sorry you weren't there to tell me it's all right. I'm sorry you never really cared, Never bothered to make a call. In fact, I'm not sorry in the slightest bit. I'm not sorry at all. You should be sorry, Sorry to me, And sorry to all of us, For what you couldn't be. A Dad is supposed to love, Protect, worship and care. A Dad is supposed to do all of this, But most importantly be there. But you couldn't provide, Protect or care. You couldn't worship. And you couldn't be there Because you made the choice To never try with me. Sure, you're on and off now, But it's just too late, you see. I mean, I get it now. And although this makes me sad... You will always be my father. You'll just never be my Dad.

#poetry #daddy issues #shitty dad #dad daughter #emotional neglect #toxic parents #toxic family #trust issues #abandoment issues #abandoned #fatherless

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furiousgoldfish · 2 years

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Today I am bothered by the fact that babies and toddlers are programmed to ask for attention and affection naturally, right, and if they don’t get it, they ask for it louder and louder, until they get completely exhausted and they can’t move anymore, which is when it sinks to them that there is no help, no attention, nobody coming, they’re not being cared for, which is when they go silent and numb and stop asking for it.

Natural progression for a human is to get as much attention and care as they need as a baby, then also as a toddler, and then at some stage later they stop needing it as much, they start desiring separation and individuality, and their desires for attention flow towards different people then, they want positive attention from their peers, then from the rest of the world as well, but not in that parental way anymore, now they want to be acknowledged and equal and needed and wanted, not fed and pampered and hugged, although a tiny amount of that isn’t rejected if offered.

If abused, these needs can developed differently. If as a toddler you’ve spent more time in that catatonic and numb state, fearing for survival because you’re a baby and there’s no caretakers, that leaves a mark on you. If you’ve been denied physical attention, hugs and pats and strokes on your head, as a toddler, that again leaves a mark, makes you feel undesirable, unwanted, disgusting, unworthy. And since you’re constantly feeling hurt, the desire for separation can come early too; because your instinct is to survive, and if your caretaker is a danger to you, you still love them of course, but you realize you have to be independent, have to take care of yourself, have to figure your own issues out without asking for help. It’s also followed by a dose of dissociation because the pain of being emotionally abandoned so young, is too much for anyone. Being neglected when you desperately need someone, will cause you to dissociate, possibly even develop a dissociative disorder to survive.

But what happens with all those needs for affection? If nobody fulfilled your basic needs for care as a toddler, do you ever evolve to wanting to be equal to others? Or do you, forever, yearn for parental type of care? Need to be pampered and reassured that you’re wanted and valuable and that someone will take care of you, make sure you eat, make sure you don’t die, make sure you’re safe? Does this ever go away, if nobody ever takes care of you this way? Do you ever feel completely comfortable being equal to someone? Do you not interpret intimacy as a way to get that positive touch, and crave it not in a sexual, but in a ‘i need to be held’ kind of way? Do you not assume they also want to be pampered, and offer it as a wild hope they might do it back, but they just accept it and take it and run off with it? Do you forever just end up a caretaker nobody ever took care of, who has no way to ask for it because it feels so wildly inappropriate?

#unmet needs #abusive parents #child abuse #emotional abandonment #lack of care #lack of positive touch #lack of nurture #child neglect #physical abandoment #making children feel unwanted and gross #causes of dissociation #sadness #i didn't do this to myself but i feel gross about it anway

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qualityfartwerewolf · 9 days

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All I need is for someone to listen!

@octobergrim @gnomethievery @sammysundog @motherpsyduck @bethisims

All I wanted was for someone to listen to me. To hear me out and actually understand how hard this is for me. I never meant to cause trouble I really didn't, I never did all this to be creepy, or a stalker, or to break anyone's boundaries. I just needed someone to listen, it didn't matter if you let me back or not if you guys have listened.

In normal circumstances (when I am not triggered or having a psychotic episode) I can actually be very kind, loving, and sweet, it's only when I'm going through an episode where I act crazy and say the weirdest, meanest, insufferable, hateful, terrifying, out of pocket shit! I shouldn't have to apologize for being mentally insane, but you guys deserve that just for all that my mental disorders put you through!

I mostly behave this way if I get triggered by something, or if someone says or does something that upsets me greatly, then I break off from it and I regret it later and I try to reach out to the people that I hurt to try and fix it.

Obviously, this behavior isn't normal, nothing about me is normal, do you guys think it's normal to have thoughts about gouging your own eyes out? Do you think it's normal to self-harm or think about blood pouring out of your eyes, or mouth? Those tweets I sent to Sam and Clare in May are indeed disturbing, but that doesn't hold a candle to what goes on inside my head. But to refresh your memories I have to say that:

I am NOT a threat to ANYONE. Except for myself! I went too far and I know I did. I still don't feel ready to move on yet.

I know I am hateful and I don't mean to be, some of the tweets I sent to other people were not based on race or gender or anything. I was angry, and I said horrible things without thinking when I was angry.

Not to mention Alcohol makes me impulsive and I just do stupid things and say stupid things like I did last night.

I also have a right to my own opinion, just because I am a woman doesn't mean I have to be a Democrat, I just don't agree with communism, that's it, I don't like communism and that's why I vote Republican, can't get more simple than that. (Yes I am a capitalist, I guess you can add that to your list of reasons to hate me lol) But what I like more than Capitalism and Communism is TRUE freedom.

I am Anti-Racism

I am Anti-Misogyny

I am Pro-LGBT

I am Anti-Ableist

I am Pro-Palestine

I am Anti-Communism

I am a conservative and a Christian, I wanted to break the stigma against people like me, but I did a poor job of doing that (I am ashamed of my behavior though, and I lash out because you guys paint me as a bad guy when I just want to fix things.)

I am not less of a feminist because I refuse to get an abortion and because I refuse to be a misandrist

I am not less of an LGBT ally just because I want to protect children

I am not Racist just because I got into an argument with a person of color, or because I'm white.

I am not ableist because I came up with ONE theory on why I might have autism (because no one in my family has it but me) and also because I used an offensive word ONCE and never again.

You guys are just judging a person on the internet that you don't know. We can still talk this out and work this out! Then I'd be more willing to leave you alone!

I didn't mean to start shit, the ban triggered a trauma response in me, then Pheobe died the next day. I just don't want to be abandoned again.

What I want more than anything else in this world is to fix things, I promise to not pull this shit again, and to stop drinking when I am depressed. Please, guys.

At least think about it.

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sweetfreedom2107 · 10 days

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I hope you never run out of love because all the people who once loved me seem to have.

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thismightbeacryforhelpwhoknows · 1 year

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some people in your life are meant to stay right? like not forever, but long enough. just one even. thats all i ask

#mentally unhinged #its getting bad again #childhood trauma #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #abandoned #emotional abandonment #tw abandonment #fear of abandonment #abandoment issues

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bedrotterthinner · 15 days

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Oh hey it’s me. I’ve had many complicated issues with my mom since I was young. Like I have a specific memory of her saying “I hate you. You’re just like your father. “ and being angry that a little girl wants a father figure and a better life and wonders why her mom is never home and why she doesn’t work a proper job or why I’m not eating some days etc. even now I think I have to actively perform and be useless to get her love. But at least we’re not fighting these days and she called me skinny the other day which is super good to feel ngl.

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