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axelars · 11 months

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It’s kinda annoying because my (actual) diagnoses came during this “fad” of being traumatized and neurodivergent. So I feel like I annoy everyone when I talk about mine and that they don’t believe me/think I’m just looking for excuses/attention.

This is my story. Human names have been changed.

I am diagnosed Bipolar 2, ADHD, and Autistic.

I went my whole life undiagnosed of what was actually the reasons behind every single struggle I had, and there were, and continue to be ALOT. I talk about it so much because it’s a relief to understand myself now and to validate my experiences and start to heal and move forward. Since as long as I can remember, I felt out of place. Always a step behind everyone else and like I didn’t really belong anywhere. I was painfully shy. Speaking to people terrified me. I had frequent meltdowns and sensory issues that were brushed off as temper tantrums and being sensitive.

But I had friends. I had large friend groups I was a “part” of. I participated in team sports and dance. I maintained okay grades in school. I didn’t scream or meltdown in public. I didn’t stim or avoid eye contact (lol yes I did but had already learned to force it and my stims have always been low key). I didn’t have any “learning disabilities”.

Now I know the reason behind this is autism but it didn’t look the same as what everything knew it as, and girls especially learn to mask very fast and at a young age. And I did have learning disabilities. Auditory processing disorder is one. I mean I guess autism and adhd are learning disorders in themselves, but I don’t like calling them that. We just connect things differently and therefore learn, understand, and do things differently. But we’ve been told our whole lives we’re doing it wrong. We’re doing life wrong. But it becomes our normal so we think everyone feels like this.

Fast forward to high school. I’ve turned dark. My parents went through a really messy and toxic and abusive divorce when I was around 12. I’m 13/14 and I’m starting drinking, and smoke weed. This progresses to drinking heavily and often, and taking various pills. I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder at 15. Medicated and things get better. I finish high school (still partying alot), go to University and do alright and kinda just party my way through it. I got off my meds cause I’m cured! Around 25 or so I start having panic attacks. I can’t leave my house. I go back on meds but as always am still apathetic about life. Panic attacks dissipate and I learn how to manage them when they do happen. Things are pretty good. I get my degree in geology, meet my then partner, John, get my masters degree and then a job. We have 2 dogs, one we got together and one I had previously, and 2 cats. It’s good for a bit and then I get bored and stop caring.

And then Covid hits. All routine and structure and societal need to socialize disappears. At first it was awesome. I could sleep in and working from home was nice. But then I got bored and started caring less and less about my work. I couldn’t focus, keep track of time or even days gone by, was experiencing executive dysfunction, sensory issues got worse, and much more. I now know this is ADHD and Autistic burnout.

I’m diagnosed with ADHD and do a bunch of medication trials. Nothing works. It makes me more apathetic and I don’t give a single fuck about anything at all. Even the one thing that brings me joy which is dog training. I realize my childhood was really abusive and traumatizing and I’d been normalizing it. So I start trying to heal from that.

My partner at the time was the only thing keeping me afloat (love you John) but it also took a huge toll on our relationship. We moved to the Yukon. I switched to a new company. I became even more depressed and move back to Alberta without him. I take all of the animals (2 cats and 2 dogs) because he’s on shift work. He gets super depressed without his Emma (dog) and finds a way to not be on shift work anymore so he can take care of her. So I send her back to him because they really did have the best bond, and she was born to be a wilderness dog. But this was heartbreaking for me. I get involved in an extremely emotionally abusive and manipulating and as I later find out, dangerous situationship. I’d known him for over a decade so I could trust him right? Dead fucking wrong but we will get into that later. John is still my best friend. I get a border collie puppy and she’s amazing. He gets involved in a relationship (also abusive) and cuts off communication with me. I finally get diagnosed bipolar 2 and and medicated for it. I learn my first manic episode was at age 19 when I decided to go to New Zealand for 2 months out of nowhere. I hate travelling. I barely remember the experience and I wasn’t drinking or doing drugs.

John gets himself out and we are best friends again. I couldn’t do life at this point without him.

Things are starting to make sense and get easier. I’m able to regulate my emotions better. I get myself out of that abusive situationship. I completely change careers and leave geology and the security along with it (it’s the best decision I’ve ever made). This change brings new meaning and purpose and joy to my life, but it also ends a years long friendship and my dog training community and support system.

Then my soul dog, Ernie, and the reason I’m a dog trainer gets bone cancer and dies. I reconnect with my previous friends from the training community (silver linings?).

My mom gets cancer which has spread and needs chemo. She’s starting her third set of treatments this week. The doctors are optimistic but she never tells us the whole truth about scary things. I’m scared but trying to be positive.

Then I find out the real truth about my situation-ship. Him and his friend have allegations of sexually assaulting women together. At least one his friend was charged for but they got dropped when she could no longer afford it. Our justice system sucks. Like how is that fucking possible. I learn of other attempted assaults or close call and just overall inappropriate disgusting behaviour. I learn of the other women. I speak to them and even befriend one. I learn he told us all the same stories that “he’s never shared with anyone before”, cooks the same meals, makes the same jokes, literally all the same things. This guy has zero conscience or personality and genuinely believes he is a good guy. He would always talk about what a good guy he is 🙄. Well he had me fooled and a trail of traumatized women before me. I learn he sent all of us at the same time pictures of his 2 year old niece. I’m disgusted by this because what human uses their toddler niece to gain trust from women. He’s despicable so I tell his sister in law.

Anyways I put that behind me and meet a really nice guy, Tyler. We have awesome chemistry and we get each other. But he’s in the dark place and can’t be what I need. I understand this because I’ve been there several times but it still really sucks. I’ve had a really hard time moving on.

Fuckface is back on the dating apps going by a different name. He’s so vile 🤮

My training business is picking up and I’m genuinely starting to be kinda happy. I can at least get more daily things done but it’s still a disaster. Still having a hard time missing Tyler but managing. Before bipolar meds I would have spiralled into my pit of despair.

A new dog comes into my life. She is an Olde English Bulldogge just like Ernie was and I sincerely believe he sent her to me. The week before I met her as a training client for a rescue I train with, I’d been feeling his presence a lot. I’m about to adopt her and I started a part time job at a canine physiotherapy clinic doing hydrotherapy. I love it. I get to see my best friend after 5 years and meet her little daughter.

So I think things are kinda progressively getting better with each setback. But frick can I just be done with everything needing to be a lesson?? I’ve got my PhD at this point.

#mental health #my adhd #autistic #bipolar 2 #trauma #mental health awareness

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ghosts-and-blue-sweaters · 1 year

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What's your favorite kind of car?

Do you like video games? Which is your favorite genre? Specific favorite game?

Favorite dog breed?

What's your morning routine?

Favorite writing space?

Best fictional character of all time?

You have a microphone that makes you heard around the world. You can say one thing. What will you say?

Okay, I honestly don’t… care much, for cars. They’re just meh to me. I like bikes better :D

I used to play Mario Galaxy and Mario Kart and Super Mario Bros Wii alllll the time when I was little, and to this day they’re still incredibly nostalgic and hold a lot of good memories. I think I was… six, when I played Mario Galaxy for the first time. My dad played Mario and I played the little player two star—it was freaking awesome, and always something I looked forward to. One of my favorite things to do was collect star-bits for my dad, and freeze enemies. It was just… awesome. So much fun.

However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve liked video games less and less. My brother is the video game guy, and he is a hekkin nerd about it XD

I don’t really play any video games now, and haven’t played any for years, BUT! Zelda Breath Of The Wild has amazing cutscenes and a great story and ZELDA IS VERY LIKABLE and LINK OH MY GOSH LINK MY BELOVED!!! HE EATS ROCKS FOR FUN!!!

I went through a phase a year or two ago where me and my sister came up with loads of fanfic ideas for BOTW, and I still want to write them!! I think it’d be really fun! I’m just preoccupied with DSMP at the moment :)

So long story short, I’m not a video game person, but I really really like BOTW for the story (and also Tears Of The Kingdom).

Favorite dog breed oh goshhhh

I love golden retrievers (special dogs, and also the same breed as Shadow from Homeward Bound, which is my Most Nostalgic Movie and I need to see it again) and I also like golden doodles (same breed as my dog Ginger <3) and I also like german shepherds (really cool dogs they look so awesome) and I also like great pyrenees (giant fluffy darlings the lot of them and they protect sheep)

But I also really really like wolves :D

I don’t have much of a morning routine, to be perfectly honest; I’m a night owl, and mornings haven’t ever been my thing 😅

I guess they’re… chill? I don’t know, not much happens. I don’t even eat breakfast, most of the time.

FAVORITE WRITING SPACE I LIKE THIS QUESTION!!! Okay, so until just a couple months ago, I didn’t have much of a writing space. If I wanted to write, I usually wrote on a very uncomfortable chair in the living room, or sometimes in my bed.

But at the start of this year, I (somehow) got into a writing routine; every day at 8-8:45pm, I’ll sit down at the tiny table in the kitchen, where I stay until 10pm. It’s been my writing place for a while now, and it’s gotten to the point where I feel wrong when I write anywhere else 😅

So definitely that! Actually here’s a picture:

Now you get to read part of my romance story ajsgajsvjav I honestly had No Idea what I was doing as I wrote it

I can and have written other places—a park bench, a cabin, the notes app on my phone��but I much prefer the kitchen table!

Best. Fictional. Character. Oh boy. Deathy. I will probably ramble. Oh boy.

I gotta start with Ghostbur, of course. My beloved, the ghost of all time, lover of the color blue and sheep, Innocent, weirdly relatable, wearer of yellow sweaters… the perfect guy <3

The way cc!Wilbur treated him is criminal. cc!Wilbur needs to be tried for his crimes and found guilty of malicious intent, murder, enjoyment in other’s sufferings, and Far More.

AND THE FANDOM!!! DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE FREAKING FANDOM!!! People either see Ghostbur as an overgrown toddler who can’t understand anything, or they see him as this strange mystical Being who is serious all the time and never smiles and is always sad and depressed.

Neither are true! Stop it! It’s annoying and terrible! Freaking stop!

Ghostbur didn’t deserve what happened to him, and he doesn’t deserve the awful fandom interpretations.

Ghostbur deserves the whole world, and all the sheep in the world, and the softest sweaters imaginable <333

I also really really like Wilbur, Tommy, Tech, and Maul :D

Oooh… hm. That’s a tough one.

I think I’d say…

GOSH DEATHY THIS IS HARD!!!

I’d want to say something about Christianity, but there’s so much to say, and I’d want to make sure people understood and didn’t get confused, and I wouldn’t want to say the wrong thing and give people wrong assumptions.

Oooh… maybe I’d share some of my story, like when I dealt with doubts about my faith. That might help people. Oooh :0

Thank you soooo much, Deathy!! This was quite fun to answer :D

#Deathy tag #ask #ghostposting

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chryzure-archive · 2 years

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14, 15, 16, and 17 for the additional AU asks >:3c (all for ChrysiJacks and/or ChrysiMordred… shippers choice ✨

14. One-off AU (I.e., an AU you thought about once or twice)

Definitely my Hanahaki ChrysiJacks AU! It was a concept I was reminded of that made me think, “Oh, yeah, that would be really fun to think of with Chrysi and Jacks! Hmmmm, alright, I thought about it. I’m good now.”

But now that I mention it, it would be fun to draw at least! And Jacks experiencing that horror of realizing he genuinely loves Chrysi, and not only loves her, but it’s unrequited… yeah, that’s good stuff.

15. An AU that lives in my head rent free

My Blair Witch AU for ChrysiMordred! Specifically based on the video game, where Chrysi goes back to Salem to help find a missing kid because she feels solidarity for the kid! Mordred is her boyfriend that’s along for the ride—along with their dog, Pip! (Side note: Pip prefers Chrysi, even though Mordred is the one that can actually speak to her. Why does she prefer the owner that doesn’t speak her language <//3 He’s heartbroken.)

When they get into the woods, however, Mordred finds that he keeps losing Chrysi for longer and longer periods of time, even though they were side by side a moment ago. Pip sometimes disappears with Chrysi too.

Chrysi gets freaked out by it and tries to stop this whole “disappearing/separating” business by holding hands with Mordred the entire time (which, btw, Mordred’s been like, “Listen, the cops are here and doing their work, there are other volunteers, we should go home—bc you’re also not doing super well emotionally, with all these reminders.” But Chrysi keeps refusing and pushing forward.) UNFORTUNATELY, that doesn’t help matters and Chrysi and Mordred get separated magically for a fun while.

They communicate purely through their walkie-talkies. Pip is with Chrysi. There’s awesome horror in the way of Chrysi being silent over the radio, then Mordred hears crackling and her voice going, “The tree is breathing.” HUH????

Also the scene where Chrysi finds a dead body in a building, and while she’s reporting it to Mordred (who is worried sick), she looks out at the window, then urgently goes, “Who the fuck is petting our dog? Who the fuck is out there and petting our dog?” Then she cuts out and Mordred is about to start screaming.

Later, Pip returns to Mordred’s… idk, dimension??? After the “let sleeping dogs die” scene. Mordred patches her up best he can (and SHE LIVES, BC I’M DOING THE HAPPY ENDING). Once she’s up and walking, her ears perk up and she frantically runs into the forest (even though she’s still injured!!! Mordred’s freaking out! That’s their little puppy, who is actually quite large!).

When Pip finds Chrysi, Chrysi is bleeding out from a stab wound from… the future her? The past her from the wrong timeline? Just STABBED and in a weird horror kind of way. She faints from blood loss right as Mordred finds her and Pip. He carries her back to the hospital—and while he’s waiting for her to wake up, he finds out that the missing kid’s corpse was recovered. He thinks he’s going to be sick.

(Though I could do a “best ending” version where the kid is found alive, I just… want to lean more into horror. It ends well for the main characters, but everything they did was all for nothing. EXCEPT it wasn’t for nothing—Chrysi broke the cycle, and no other kids will be kidnapped. But she just wasn’t in time for this one. And it will kill her when she wakes up.)

16. An AU that has so little to do with canon that it’s essentially an original story with pre-made characters

L… literally my A-Team ChrysiJacks AU… I don’t even know how to begin explaining that. So, imagine the A-Team (2010) movie. Imagine now that Chrysi died during one of their missions. Imagine she came back to life, but she’s definitely slightly wrong now. Now imagine she was stuck in a mental institution because of all that. Things get… really weird. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s just weird! Because now there’s magic and there’s curses and Chrysi and Jacks are definitely in love, but also she did try to kill him when they finally saw each other again after *gestures vaguely at the whole “died and came back to life incident”* all that. Jacks is still like “It’s okay, she still loves me <33 I know her.” “If I were a zombie, you would be the first one I’d turn.” “True love :)”

Again. I just… you can guess, right? How can I explain that? I mean, like, how??? How.

Side note: I looked up the ratings for that movie and, boy, do people not like it. Well, I love it. It’s funny and I enjoyed it.

17. A comfort AU

I always like thinking of a Phantom of the Opera AU as a comfort AU, for every single one of my ships :) There’s something about the combination of childhood friends, separated, finding each other again AND being essentially the pet songbird of creepy sewer guy that I adore.

But I like thinking of Jacks being the “childhood friend” that Chrysi actually detested as a kid, but now she’s like “… Huh! Okay, he’s cute now. I’ll give him that.” And then him protecting her in the graveyard?? Nearly being hanged for her???? HMMMMMM, TRUE LOVE… SECRET ENGAGEMENT AT THE MASQUERADE?????? YEAH. YEAH. YEAHHHHH.

#.asks #m.filly✨#s.chrysijacks #s.chrysimordred #i jst love these concepts sm #srry abt the blair witch rambling it’s just!!! that game freaked me out so bad that i started tearing up #the combo of the witch AND his trauma coming back to haunt him was sooo good #idk if other ppl loved that game but to me it was really meaningful and all the endings—though simple—were so sad and fitting

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ocean-anchored · 1 year

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Dear future self... March 21, 2023

I’m late I know. I wasn’t feeling it last sunday as I felt like I wasn’t in the best head space and as the week went on I figured I’d just wait till sunday again which ended up being so busy. Where to start. Back to Dillon being the asshole he is. It’s really unfortunate. I can’t remember when it was that we had a call where he raised his voice and told me to go cry a fucking river when I said how disrespectful it was leaving us high and dry March after ALL the things I’ve done for him. Haven’t really talked to him since. He did pay February finally but that whole friendship is over and I may never see or talk to him again so who cares. Sadly not loosing much there. On the friday two weeks ago I was cleaning up contacts in my phone (was clearly bored at work) and came across Mitch. He’s been on my mind for a long time. I just felt really bad about how I ended everything and how I kind of just cut things off cold so I wrote an apology text just to tell him that I didn’t mean to hurt him. In no way, shape or form did I intend it to be as a “let’s try again” type of thing and that (on top of Dillon’s shit) is why I wasn’t in the best headspace. Hanging out escalated to a point that I felt a lot of shame the next day. I’m still trying to deal with that and back off as I don’t have any intention of dating or a relationship. I truly am happy being single and keeping to myself this year and I worry about hurting him again and him taking things the wrong way. I stepped out of my comfort zone again that week and went to a church group where I didn’t know anyone. Divine from church had joined me into this group and they had a gathering that again I had no idea who or what it was about but I showed up and it ended up really great. Met Eryn which was really nice who goes to Redemption as well and it was nice to just be around Christians. The night was around the Navigators and discipleship. Something I’m still so shy about but it was a good experience and I’m proud I went. Last week was pretty good. Finally bought Ed Sheeran tickets, just about cried. Going to see him in September with Dustin in Vancouver and I literally cannot wait. I’ve waited far too long for this and really look forward to this most.

Thursday I went to Nose Hill with Amber and her bf with all our dogs for a walk in the afternoon which was so nice. I really love the flexibility I have and still catch myself feeling like I’m taking things for granted and I’m not doing enough but lunch with Ed cleared that - will get to that. I went for dinner later that day with Kamber another girl I met on Bumble BFF and it’s been nice chatting with her as well. We have so much in common. Sometimes I feel like I talk to much with her and sometimes I feel like I’m always looking for another topic to talk about but our conversation is genuine and it’s refreshing. She’s super sweet and down to earth. Friday I “took the day off” from YCH technically since I don’t work Friday’s with Ed. Went for sushi and that was really great. Just more solidifying that we’re a great team and we’re both happy with how things are going and the work progressing. I know he appreciates me and it was nice to just clear some work things up but also be able to chat about so many other channels and things. I’m really so blessed to be working with him. He said at the end that he hopes that I do work for him for the rest of our lives which really is my goal. It was from this lunch with Ed that my weekend ended up being nonstop with barley a minute to myself. Mitch came over to watch movies friday night which was alright. Got up early and went to Lake Louise and Lake MInewanka with mom Saturday for the whole day. It was a really great day, absolutely beautiful out. Such a perfect day (we always seem to get those when we go out together). Came back in the evening and went to chat with Mel. It was a good, needed talk. We challenged each other with the little fit we had the week before and how I’ve felt like she hasn’t been part or contributed to our relationship but she’s explained how sick she’s been and stressed and we had a good cry and we talked it through. Really healthy. I appreciate that she takes the initiative to chat to sort things out and we’re re-learning communication with each other in a healthy way. Nova was so patient in the car that we went to Currie Barracks after to walk the park where they set up lanterns and lights everywhere, it was nice but getting home at 9:30PM was exhausting. Sunday went to church which was as always, great. Helped mom with her zoom set up and took Nova out when I got home. Steven came over right away and we gamed for a bit and watched the Office. It was good, nice to also spend time with him personally but I do love Amanda. Been building my own relationship with her which has been really great. Anyways that’s a basic catch up. It’s been super super busy and I’m peopled out. I’m going to try to focus this week on chilling and recouping as its Amber’s Birthday on Thursday and I’m taking a couple of us to the Flames game which I’m really excited for. All is well. I’m still super happy all around. This year seems to just keep getting better and I have so many things to look forward to this year.

#personal #weekly update #dear future self #journal update #life update

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dailyaudiobiblechronological · 1 year

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2/10/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Exodus 33 - 35

Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible Chronological, I'm China. Today is the 10th day of February, welcome. It is so great to be here with you today. Today we are continuing our story in the book of Exodus. We are in chapters 33 to 35 and we continue on with the Evangelical Heritage Version for this week.

Commentary

So all throughout this story today, I'm constantly reminded that God is a God of second chances. He is a God who says, I see you, I hear you. Turn away from your wickedness. Turn and repent to me and let's move forward. And I don't know if you've ever experienced that, not that this compares, but if you've experienced this in a friendship or in a relationship and you've done something wrong and this person you're kind of waiting to be retaliated against and they meet you with love and grace and you're like, what just happened? I feel totally disarmed and very surprised and also thankful. This is exactly the God that we serve. This is exactly who God is time and time again. And what I think people can really benefit from is the sweet truth. The vital step is repentance to turn away from. And this is something that is it's like a muscle memory. And this is something that I'm learning as a parent with a toddler whose brain is not even fully developed. Gosh is not even close to being fully developed. But she's in this stage now of testing limits. And I can tell her one thing and turn around and have to go back and tell her the same thing again, just the consistency, the tone, the eye contact, all the things to try to meet her heart for her to understand. We don't get into the flower or we don't throw the dog's food into the water. Like just different things like that. Again, not on the same scale, but it's these things that are firing off in my brain and I'm like, oh, this feels like this, this looks like this. This is somewhat comparable for my brain to understand it in these things of the muscle memory of teaching her, hey, we don't do this. And is she at an age where she could understand, oh, I'm sorry mama, no. But what do I do with her? Like if I have raised my voice or if I lost my cool for a second or if something that I need to own up for and apologize, I'm mimicking that or I'm teaching her that and one day hopes that she will reciprocate that. And so I think reading these scriptures are so helpful for our brains to remember who God is, but then also to remember that we have to play a role in this. We do play a role in this story. And it's a very vital one of repentance to turn away from and to humble ourselves. Because the Bible says either we can choose humility, or humility is going to choose us. It's better for us to choose it.

Prayer

And so, Lord, I just thank you for your word. And God, I pray that we would be people who seek Your face. God, I pray that we would be people who love Your word and love who you are. And Lord, I just pray that you would just lovingly convict us, God, of all the places that we are trying to do life on our own, the things that we are waiting for you to speak on or waiting for you to move, and we get impatient and take things into our own hands. God, we repent and we turn away from those things and we turn back to you. And Lord, we just say would you have your way, Lord? What is it that you have? That's what we want. And we will wait. We will wait upon you and wait with you and trust that you are sovereign and that you are king. It's in Your name we pray. Amen. Well, that is all from me today. Be sure to stick around and listen to the Israel pilgrimage update from my mom.

Jill from Israel

Thank you, my love. Thanks for holding the fort down, too, while, you're there and I'm here. Real quick update today because mom is tired, the jet lag has caught up, and I'm not even sure whose life I'm living right now. But a beautiful day today, a full day today. What I failed to mention is when we arrived in Tel Aviv, we arrived to one of the rainiest, coldest and wettest days that we've ever experienced there in that region in this particular time. And that is because Israel has its own storm that blew in one in such a capacity that they named her. In the States, we name every hurricane that comes in going in alphabetical order, starting with the first letter, starting with the next letter of the alphabet. Well, this was a first for Israel. And Barbara showed up, and Barbie, she was mad. So we started off even in the desert. It was the coldest and rainiest we've ever experienced. But today the skies parted, the rains dried up, and it was a gorgeous day. And so we started the day Today. Where did we start today? I can't even remember, to be honest. We started the day today with a beautiful presentation of a replica of the Tabernacle in the desert. And the whole presentation is just fascinating. So many details in such a short amount of time. But the presentation is always so vastly different and so unique. The first time I experienced it, there was just incredible memorization and details of the specifics of the temple. The second time, a completely different interpretation. And it happened from our tour guide's, son so that was fun to watch father and son sat side by side, and I loved his teaching. These instructors are amazing. The things that they can remember, the detail and the specifics. But this time today was a beautiful correlation of Old Testament to New Testament and all of the symbolism and representation of what took place in the tabernacle and then the equation and the fulfillment of Jesus in the New Testament. So that was always impressive, but today just really spectacular kick off to our day today. And then we went to Masada, which, full disclosure, Jill, does not do Masada. Because in order to get to the top of the ancient hill of the ancient ruins, you have to take a cable car that suspends from the air, which great, good. But I don't do suspending things in the air with cliffs that have no guardrails at the top that you can look over. So I sat that one out today, but I did do it before. It's spectacular in the location of where these remains are on top of this mountain. Just thinking about it, if you have to take a cable car to get to it, how in the world these people got to the top of it, it's all fascinating. And it's kind of mind blowing to sit and consider and think about. So that was a part of today. And then we made it to the Dead Sea, which is a salty, crusty body of water, because it is, I believe, in my fatigue. If I'm remembering correctly, the Dead Sea is the lowest elevation and it's the lowest body of water on the surface of Earth. So walking out onto what would be a sandy, nice, beautiful beach where you put your feet in the sand and you run your hand through the sand granules, it is crusty salt. Fascinating. It looks like ice. And I crouched down to get a picture and literally cut up my knees. So it's not your table, Morton salt, by any means. It's just spectacular. So we were here at the Dead Sea. We did that. We had dinner. And my poor angel boy is tired and his face nearly planted in a plate of food in his fatigue. So it's finally catching up with us. I think tonight will be a good night of rest. And what an incredible group of people we're here with, slowly getting to chat and meet everybody and just hear the stories of how they found the Bible, how they've transformed by the Bible and how the Bible is transforming them. And then just to hear the stories of who they're with and who they came with and how that came to be. Like I said, it's just a big family reunion. And it's beautiful and lovely and hard, and we're tired, but we should soon turn a corner. And to be honest with you, I don't even know what tomorrow holds, because I'm having trouble putting thoughts together even now. So I'm going to end here for tonight. I'm going to get a good night's rest, turn the page and can't wait to share it all with you tomorrow. And of course, you can follow along the journey on social media on our pages, Daily Audio Bible, Daily Audio Bible Chronological. And then of course, the friends pages, DAB and DABC. And then just two things real quick. I know some of you were bummed you wanted to get one of the new hats that came in stock and they were sold out. These things are fine, which is always good to hear. This is an upgrade to this product. It is quality. It's beautiful. I've got mine here, going to pop it on my Monaghan and represent the DAB here in the Israeli. So for those of you who missed out, you'll be happy to know the hats are back in stock. Both the caps and the beanies beanies tend to go more for the ladies. And the caps, well, I like both of them. I think they work for both, but they're back in stock. Get yours while the Giten is doable. And then also, lastly, the live broadcast, the Facebook Live will be coming to you from the Sea of Galilee this Saturday. And that happens, I want to say, oh, Lord, 07:30 p.m.. I'm going to double check the time, but I believe it's 07:30 p.m.. And that is 07:30 p.m., our time here in Israel. Check your time difference because every region is different. Wouldn't even be able to tell you which time zones. I think it's roughly 12:30 P.m. For most people, give or take an hour or two or three. So check your local time zone and then join us on that Facebook Live and you can look and see who's here and how their trip is going and all of that good stuff. Okay, I'm going to get some sleep. We'll turn the page together tomorrow and. I look forward to it. Until then, love one another.

Community Prayer Line

Good morning, DABC family, this is lady of Victory on Tuesday, the 31 January in the a. M. This message is for Pam, who called in for her son Scott, who has to have surgery because he's on the spectrum and something is going on in his body. Pam, I just wanted to pray for you because I understand the heart of a mother and her son. And I'm not apologizing for my tears because today is one of those days where it's just a little heavy for me. Instead of going inward, I decided to go outward. And when I heard this, my heart was prompted to call and pray for you in the upcoming surgery. And so, God, we thank you, we honor you because we can come to you with our cares and concerns and we can come just like we are God. We don't have to be pretentious. We don't have to act like we have it all together. We don't have to act like we're stronger than we are, God. We can just come to you broken, battered, and not feel ashamed and not feel judged. And so God, I bring Kim and Scott before the throne of grace, god, she has hurt him and she's trying to be as strong as she can, god, then I ask Father that you would take the broken pieces of where she is right now, God, and go before her, go before Scott, God. Be with them as the doctors are caring for her son. And I asked Father that she will be whatever it is she needs to be at the foot of the cross, God, because you understand, do it for your glory.

Good morning, DABC family, it's Saman from Texas and I am calling because I experienced my first death at work last Sunday and it was different. I know it's to be expected working in a hospital, but yeah, I spent half the day crying and it was a baby. I work in the pediatric unit so I'm just praying for strength because I know it will happen at some point in time, but it definitely did take a toll on me that day. I'm also calling to ask you guys for prayer for a baby. Baby. You see, she has been in the hospital for a while and I was told that she has been in and out of the hospital practically her whole life. And I leave work with a new and a different appreciation and I come home and I hug my son and I text my daughters to tell them how much I love them. Being surrounded by sick babies all day long gives me an appreciation for my own healthy children. So I'm asking that you guys will, as a community, lift baby Z in prayer. She has so many health issues and I feel for her family. Please keep her in prayer. Please keep me in prayer. And I love you guys. I don't call in as much, I'm just so tired from work every day, but I am listening every single day and praying along with every single prayer request. Love you guys. Take care. Bye.

Hey family, Val here. This is a first for me. I'm actually going to be dialing this into the chronological per Dwayne from Wisconsin's request. We're calling today. Please lift her up. Debbie is her name, his wife, she's having some issues with her hands and her shoulders and whoo unfortunately I know both pains. So God right now, Lord, oh, Father, do the impossible, God. Lord, why doctors in this world has limits, Lord. You are limitless, Lord. So God right now, heal her body, Father. God, give her a miraculous pain. Let the physical therapy be all it can be, Lord. Let there just be relief for her, Father. Give her a sweet sleep, Lord, with prophetic dreams, god, god, take the pain away, Father. Sometimes that's really the problem. It's so irritable, lord. It's such a joint that we move all the time. God go and give a relief, Lord do a miracle, Father, in her shoulders and in her hands, like only you can do in Jesus name. Thank you, chronological family for allowing me to dip in today for our sweet, sweet Debbie. Y'all pray for her. She needs us right now. Dwayne's wife from Wisconsin. He calls in faithfully for prays for our children. He's asking for prayer requests for his beautiful wife. We got you, Dwayne, and we love you, Debbie. Until next time, family, be good to one another.

Hey, DABC family. This is Alaska Mom. I finally got at least one prayer request submitted to DAB. I just want to update on my husband. We really need prayers to get his Medicare Part B in completed. We've been working on that since September and still have not gotten it done. But he did have some neurology appointments that we were trying for in November. Finally had a couple in January and still really don't know what's going on. Don't know if we should go for the surgery or not. Still looking for a second opinion so we can use prayers for both the Medicare Part B and for more help in getting appointments. Anyway, now that hopefully I've got this fixed and working, I can call in more often and just voice some of the prayers that I pray and encouragements that I think of as I listen to the other prayer requests. Anyway, thanks and love you all. Have a blessed day.

Good morning. DABC Prayer Warriors. This is Andy from Delaware. I wanted to take this opportunity to say how thankful I am for this community of believers that come alongside of God's people to pray for them. It certainly increases my faith each and every day that I listen to the prayers and the praise reports. So today I'm asking for prayer for a miracle that is already in the making. My daughter was granted a physician assistant grad school interview on February 6. We will be traveling 7 hours north. Please pray for her to find favor with God and with man and for God to give her peace on her mind, peace on her will and her emotions, and also for good weather for us and traveling mercies as we road trip north because we're not used to snow. Thanks so much. Much love to you all. Okay.

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romanoffsbish · 1 year

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Damn. I can’t believe you Uno Reversed me. Can I use the skip option?

————

I don’t know. There’s this pretty cool person and I’m feeling it out. I like them, but I don’t know if it’s a crush yet.

Snickers- but I’m really not a candy person.

Love. Letters. I love when someone gives me something long (or short) to tell me how much they appreciate, want, love, or adore me. I don’t giggle, blush, and kick my feet- but I would over that 💀.

I have 8+. Only 3 I claim.

This is a tricky question for me as well. I’ve always wanted kids at some point. 2 or 4 of them. But when I look at myself in the mirror, I’m just unsure if I’d be a good enough parent/provider for them. And I don’t want to have to figure out if I am when I already have them. I want to know. So for right now, the answer is not right now.

I’m 5’2”, but my BD energy makes me seem 6’4”. So, no. And yes. Yo/nes, if you will.

————

I have an alright relationship with my mom. For a while, she was a single parent, so I appreciate her a hell of a lot. But sometimes, she only thinks about herself and ignores me. I don’t know my donor (birth father. I’m not an IVF or donor baby). And my stepfather can choke. I’d help him do so if I could. 😌

My mother! We FaceTimed today.

Of course I regret things.

Hell yeah I’m insecure. But quietly and about things that shouldn’t matter. But they weigh very, VERY heavily on my mind. Like, it shouldn’t matter my race when I want to make a new friend or pursue someone, but I worry it does. I always feel like I’m just not what people look for/forward to when they find out who I am. Weird, huh?

-🕸️

Nah, I pulled all the skips from the deck honey.

——

Well whoever she is, I reckon she’s pretty lucky.

Solid choice, I like lots of candies, but I don’t eat them often. I’m an ice cream/cake girl for sweets, candy seems a waste lol.

I claim my younger brother Zachary, the rest I fluctuate on on the day to day😂

Who knows, maybe if I get settled one day I’d have kids. Honestly, I’ve always thought of taking in older foster kids(13-17) so they don’t age out of the system family-less.

Also, get a cat or dog, see how it feels tending to them, I know they’re incomparable in the grand scheme but it’s a good starting point for feeling it all out. Caring for another living being is no joke.

Insecurities aren’t born out of thin air, it’s likely someone specifically/or society has made you feel this way, and to them I say, 🖕🏼—heavily. Swear to you that you’re safe here with me honey, I don’t hold such prejudices, and I shun anyone who fucking does.

I feel it’s only fair I divulge my insecurities here since you elaborated. I fear that I’ll never be enough for anyone because everyone who’s ever promised me I wasn’t a burden has left. They just leave and they don’t ever tell me why, or what I’m doing wrong to make them run. They try to say “it’s me, not you,” but after a long trend of being left behind you start to see that maybe it is you, maybe the truth is that you were the burden you knew yourself to be all along and they finally saw it too. I’m not good at this whole navigating adulthood thing, so I feel people just see me as unnecessary baggage.

#🥺 anon 🥰#spidey 🕸️

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survey--s · 1 year

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427.

1. Do you have any big plans for November? It’s January already - I have no huge plans as of yet - I’ll mostly be working lol.

2. What upcoming event are you most looking forward to? The private ride I’m hoping to get booked with Emma for February. Don’t get me wrong, I love the group rides but it’ll be nice to just get some one to one coaching out of the arena.

3. What was the last song you heard? Psychofreak by Camila Cabello.

4. Quote something from last night: I can’t think of anything that would make any sense, really. 5. What time did you wake up today? 9.15am. It’s going to be such a shock to the system when I have to start getting up at half seven again, hah.

6. What does your last incoming text say? It was Mike asking if I could put a towel by the door so he could dry the dog.

7. Is there a vase in the room you’re in? Not at the moment.

8. Any plans for today/this evening? Nah, a lazy day in front of the TV while I mess about online, lol. I’m back at work on Tuesday so I want to make the most of being off, ha.

9. Have you recently been insulted? I mean, not to my knowledge.

10. What is the radio in your car tuned to at this exact moment? Radio One.

11. Compared to someone else of your age and gender; do you feel that you have a lot to offer someone? I don’t really compare myself with other people - I mean, I have autism so my life is never going to be normal or comparable to a “normal” persons.

12. How many days a week do you work? Normally five days, but not full-time. Normally around 8.30am-2pm ish, and maybe the occasional hour in the evening or at weekends.

13. Are there people you feel more connected to than others? Yeah, for sure. I think that’s pretty normal.

14. Is there ONE person you feel more connected to than others? Yes. 15. Are you more like your mother or your father? I’m the image of my dad, and he also “passed” his autism on to me. 16. Where did your eye color come from? My mum.

17. Describe the pants you are wearing: I’m just wearing plain black leggings. 18. Have you ever been in a recording studio? Yeah, my old school had a recording studio. I’ve never been inside a professional one or anything like that.

19. The myspace picture you’ve had up the longest? I’m not posting my photo on here.

20. Are any of your myspace pictures alcohol related? Some of my Facebook ones are, sure.

21. What is your worst relationship quality? Not so much anymore, but when I was younger I was quite clingy and insecure.

22. What was your most recent serious injury? Probably when I fell off Stanley last summer and ended up a bit battered and bruised. Luckily nothing was broken.

23. What were you most recently happy about? I mean, life in general makes me pretty happy at the moment, but the last specific thing was my beach ride before Christmas.

24. Are you happy with the way the Yankees are playing? I have no interest in sports.

25. Are you a fan of cake? Yeah, but I do have to be in the right mood for it.

26. What shirt have you not worn in a while that you would like to? I suppose some of my summer stuff, but nothing is coming to mind.

28. When was the last time you were hit on? Outside of my marriage, I have no idea.

29. What is the next concert you are going to and where are you seeing it? I have no plans to go to any concerts, really. We live so rurally that you have to stay overnight and it costs an absolute fortune.

30. Name someone you know who is most likely to be found at a bar on Wednesday night? Hope.

#survey #surveys

0 notes

gazeboarcade · 3 years

Text

Boy howdy lol

#ok so that’s basically done #they both had to get antibiotics and rabies shots #I feel major grossed out energy still #but mainly just. overwhelmed.#I literally cannot fathom why my period makes me into this little monster pile of emotions but I just wanna hug my dogs shower for 12 years #then lay down and cry bc jfc what a stressful morning #that was just!!!!! so much #I love these dogs don’t get me wrong but I’m also looking forward to living on my own without animals for a hot minute #it’s been a workout at least!! chasing and being chased by a ground hog #picking up the dogs a handful of times #that’s gotta count for smthn #I just wish I didn’t feel like constantly two inches away from crying and exhausted lol #it’s weird to be rlly tired but also like #full of adrenaline #bc I’m like jittering and like all tight #but!! going home soon #I’m trying to stay optimistic bc rlly this could’ve been way worse for the dogs #it was just. a lot for me #and I feel ridiculous for being overwhelmed bc I’m not the one who was bit and bled all over and had to get a rabies shot #I did however get exposed to a likely rabid wild animal and get blood shaken on me and also like #I love the dogs so I worry #and I was like startled into being awake this all started with me being scared out of a deeeeep sleep and thrown into this #like lemme tell ya I was tearing through the back yard like a feral person #no shoes no bra in short sleep shorts and a sleep shirt #chaotic as fuck lol #ok god driving home now #I feel insane #delete later

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bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky · 2 years

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Twenty Questions | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Hi, friends! This is very silly, but it made me laugh and I really had fun writing it.

If you like what you read, give me a reblog so that others may find it🥰

Taglist: @beefybuckrrito @shadytalementality @everything-burns-down @rainbow-unicorn-pony @mandersshow@breakablebarnes @psychoticmason @glxwingrxse @deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy @lonewolf471 @dreamerglassesgirl @the-gods-gloted-but-they-burned @cwbucky @lipstickandbarbedwxre @seitmai @itvy5601 @hisxsoulmate @dailyreverie 💜

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Bucky loved routine. After so many years of having zero control over his own life, he loved knowing what he was going to do each day. And he loved his routines with you: cooking dinner together, having date night every Friday, grabbing coffee from your favorite local shop on Sunday mornings. Every week, he looked forward to the lazy stroll the two of you took down to get your coffee. You’d walk hand in hand and take in the fresh morning air, stopping every now and then to pet the dogs that passed. He looked forward to sharing a piece of blueberry coffee cake with you and wiping the purple smudges from your lips with his thumb.

Mrs. Wyatt owned and ran the shop with the help of her husband- and absolutely adored the two of you. She loved seeing you and Bucky every Sunday morning, and always remarked that he was a “true gentleman” when he held the door for you. On more than one occasion, Mrs. Wyatt said that you and Bucky reminded her of her and her husband. Mr. Wyatt was a quiet man, much like Bucky. He helped her run the shop and did everything she asked of him, but didn’t have the same personable nature as she did. Mrs. Wyatt often joked that her husband was also a “lovable grump”, which always made you laugh. Bucky was your lovable grump, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Sergeant Barnes, when are you going to propose to this gorgeous woman?” Mrs. Wyatt teased, “she can’t wait around forever!” You squeezed Bucky’s hand under the counter, giving him some reassurance. If Bucky wanted to get married, you’d happily be his wife- but his life was complicated. Getting into a relationship was a huge, scary step for him, and you weren’t going to push him into marriage. You were perfectly content being his best girl, with or without a ring. “Oh, we’re in no rush!” you said lightly as Mr. Wyatt handed you your coffee. He was always a little quiet, but still polite. He never said more than a few words to anyone, which was exactly Bucky’s speed.

“But I’m sure you want to start having babies!” Mrs. Wyatt pushed, “With his bone structure and your hair, the two of you would have beautiful children”. Bucky awkwardly cleared his throat and lifted his black coffee to his lips. The subject of kids came up early in your relationship; Bucky had no urge to procreate. He was certain that having kids was a bad idea for him, citing how ‘fucked up’ he was. And he didn’t want to saddle a child with the burden of having the Winter Soldier as their father.

Telling you about his aversion to fatherhood made him anxious. He’d fallen for you so quickly and so deeply that part of him didn’t want to tell you the truth. He was certain that you’d want to settle down and start having children, live the ‘normal life’; he was certain that if he told you his true feelings, you’d leave him for someone who could give you a family. But he was wrong. Never in your life had you wanted to have kids. Everyone told you you’d change your mind once you got older, but you were almost thirty and still had no urge to be a mom.

“Oh, um…thanks! But we’re actually not having kids,” you told her, cringing at the awkward turn the conversation had taken. Mr. Wyatt’s head popped up. He paused his work refilling the pastry case and shot a sharp look at Bucky. “Good,” he muttered, “you should know better”. Bucky’s mouth hung open and tears instantly burned your eyes. “You’d only create more monsters- we don’t need any more of you”, he gave Bucky another dirty look before shuffling off to the back room. Mrs. Wyatt apologized profusely and hurried you out the door, giving you your coffees and pastry on the house.

The two of you stood on the sidewalk, stunned. People jogged past the two of you, giving you death stares as you stood frozen in the middle of the path. “I don’t even…I don’t know what to say,” you finally stammered, “we clearly need to find a new coffee shop”. Bucky’s small smile and nod broke your heart. He was trying so hard, struggling to stay afloat- but you could see him drowning. “Buck…I know what you’re thinking- I know you’re spiraling. But you can’t go to the dark place, okay?” you set your coffee on the curb and took his face in your hands. “Remember what we talked about, what we worked on?” He leaned into your touch, bringing his metal hand up to the back of yours and pressing it more firmly against his cheek. He needed to feel your touch, your warmth, your love.

“Don’t withdraw…” he sighed, “I can’t isolate. I can’t pull away- cause it will just make me feel worse”. Your lips found his in a light, gentle kiss, but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. “Yes. I’m really proud of you,” you murmured, “come on, let’s get you home and we can talk”. With a firm grip, you took his hand in yours. He picked your coffee up off the curb with his free hand, ghosting a light kiss to your cheek as he gave you your cup. It was a small gesture, but meant everything to you. His normal reaction when his mind grew dark was to shy away from comfort, from love- but he let you take his hand. He let his lips find your cheek. It was a start.

There were ten minutes between the coffee shop and your apartment; you needed to keep Bucky present, prevent him from retreating into the shadows of his mind. If you didn’t fill the silence, you knew you’d lose him.

“Hey, Buck, who would you rather have as a pet: that talking raccoon from space or one of Scott’s giant ants?” The question caught Bucky off guard. His lips pulled into a timid smile as he turned to look at you, “what?”

“Who would you rather have as a pet?” you said again, “the space raccoon or a big ant?” Bucky’s quiet laugh made your heart swell. Getting him out of the darkness was tough, but he was actually smiling. “Umm, giant ant. Definitely”, he threw you a shrug and chuckled at your horrified expression. His answer shocked you, and made you rethink getting a pet with him. “You’d rather have a gigantic bug as a pet?” you scoffed, “but the raccoon is so cute!”

Bucky shook his head with conviction, “the raccoon’s name is Rocket, and he’s kind of a dick”. He thought back on the fight in Wakanda and his interactions with Rocket, letting another quiet laugh leave his lips. “He kept trying to buy my arm off of me, and when I told him it wasn’t for sale, all he said was ‘I’m gonna get that arm’”.

He looked down at his metal fingers intertwined with yours. Before meeting you, he hated the vibranium attached to his body. It made him feel monstruous, like something out of Dr. Frankenstein’s lab. But that changed the first time you held his cold hand. Seeing your fingers woven in between his, your thumb ghosting gently over his metallic knuckles, helped him make peace with the prosthesis.

“Wow, I can’t believe you just called a cute little raccoon a dick”, you teased, giving his hand a squeeze. He took a sip of his coffee and gave you a small shrug, “if Rocket was my pet, the little trash panda would steal my arm in the dead of night and sell it on the black market”. The thought of Rocket Raccoon absconding into the night with Bucky’s arm in his tiny little hands made you howl with laughter- and your laugh was Bucky’s favorite sound. It always brought him comfort, made him feel like he was home. You were the flame that guided him through the darkness.

But as your laughter quieted, he began spiraling all over again. Thoughts of his past ripped him to shreds. A deep ache took root in his chest and quickly spread through his body as the word “monster” clawed at his heart.

A silence fell between the two of you as you continued walking, and you could practically see the dark storm clouds forming in Bucky’s mind. “Um, hey, who would you rather sleep with: the tree guy or the Hulk?” The stupid question was another perfect distraction, pulling Bucky out of his dark thoughts.

“You mean Groot?”

“Wait-he has a name?”

“Yeah, its kind of all he ever says. ‘I am Groot’”, Bucky imitated the talking tree, sending you into a fit of giggles. You repeated the question and waited for his answer, watching as he absentmindedly scratched at his perfect stubble. He opened his mouth, but suddenly snapped it shut. He was quiet for another moment before asking for clarification, “We’re talking Hulk- not Bruce, right?”

“Yes!” you laughed.

“What! Don’t laugh, it’s a fair question!”

“I mean…would you fuck Bruce?”

“Maybe, maybe not”, Bucky gave you a shit eating grin, “I hear he’s a great guy”.

He hemmed and hawed over his answer a bit more before finally making his decision, “Shit, well, I feel like Groot would give me splinters, so…Hulk”. He laughed at your seductive wink and your offer to set him up with Bruce- and he knew what you were doing. It was obvious that you were trying to save him, pull him back from the ledge- and he loved you for it. He knew you were doing your damnedest to keep his mind off the self-hatred bubbling under the surface. As always, part of him wanted to resist your efforts and wallow in the utter hurt that plagued him, but he couldn’t do that to you.

And part of him liked letting you in. He liked allowing your warmth guide him out of the frigid depths of his soul. It was a new feeling. At first, letting someone be so close to his heart felt like a home invasion. He was defensive and felt like he had to protect himself from even your kindest gestures. But with your help, he was healing; he was growing. He pressed a kiss to your hair and let you continue your game, relishing in your kindness.

“Okay, who would you rather spend 24 hours trapped in a room with Peter Parker or Scott Lang?” you stared up at him, knowing this was the hardest question yet. A deep groan rumbled out of his chest as he let his head fall back. “Uh, well, Parker is always calling me ‘Mr. Winter Soldier, sir’-” he stared down at you with adoration in his eyes as he watched you absolutely lose it. The two of you actually had to stop walking while you caught your breath. “Aww, but that’s so cute- he’s just a kid”, you said when the laughter finally subsided.

“I knowww. He’s a nice kid, he just asks me a million questions every time I see him. And he wanted me to help him with an essay over World War 2…” Bucky said, “because apparently I count as a ‘primary source’”.

“Okay so, you pick Scott then?” you asked, but Bucky shook his head.

“Scott’s always trying to show me magic tricks”.

“He- what…?”

“He does close up magic. He even tried to teach me some last time I saw him. What about me says that I like close up magic?” You looked Bucky over for anything that signaled him as a lover of magic tricks, but came up empty. “Well, Barnes, you gotta choose- the kid or the amateur magician?” Bucky was quiet for a long moment as he evaluated each choice, eventually settling for Scott.

“Nice choice. Okay, um…who are you hiring to do real magic at your birthday party: Dr. Strange or Wanda?” you imitated Dr. Strange’s conjuring motions, imagining a portal opening in front of you. Bucky couldn’t believe how many of these stupid questions you were pulling out of your ass, but he actually felt better. He felt lighter. “Um, Wanda. Strange kinda freaks me out sometimes. The guy could open a portal to Siberia and leave my ass there,” Bucky chuckled.

“Hmm, alright: if you had the power to change Sam’s hero name, what would it be?” You barely got the question out before Bucky answered: “Pigeon”. He tried to suppress his laughter but failed miserably, clutching his sides as they ached. “Wait, wait- no,” he said as he gasped for air, “WOODPECKER!” He doubled over, his whole body shaking as he laughed. “Wood-woodpecker!” he said again, still barely able to breathe.

You couldn’t help but smile as you watched Bucky lose his mind. Something about Bucky’s laugh warmed your heart. It was always so genuine, so sincere. After so many years of nothing but torment and bloodshed, watching him laugh hysterically was almost enough to make you cry.

“Oh, wow, yeah, I’m only calling Sam ‘Woodpecker’ from now on”, Bucky took out his phone and immediately changed Sam’s name in his contacts.

Just as you planned to ask your next question, the two of you arrived in front of your building. Bucky stopped you from entering, taking your face in his hands and kissing you gently. “Thank you…” he stroked his thumb over your cheek, and rolled his eyes when you asked ‘what for’. “I know what you were doing, doll. You were keeping me distracted, taking my mind off things. It was sweet- it worked”. He brushed his lips against yours once more, letting out a contented sigh as he did so. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, or how you always manage to be more wonderful than I thought possible…I can’t thank you enough for being in this with me, standing by me when I need you most-”

“You don’t have to thank me, Buck. I’m here. I’m yours. We’re in this together. I’m here for you- whatever you need. If you need me to be your shoulder to cry on, I’m here”, you promised, “And if you ever need me to ask you whether you’d rather swallow the infinity stones or stick ‘em up your ass, I’ll be here for that too”.

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jungkxook · 3 years

Text

—out of the blue. (m)

⟶ pairing: jungkook x reader

⟶ genre: youtuber/gamer!jungkook + fluff / smut

⟶ words: 5,204

⟶ rating: 18+

⟶ summary: catching your boyfriend bleaching and dyeing his hair for a livestream is definitely not what you expected — but it certainly has its perks.

⟶ warnings: established relationship, some attempt at humour, .2 seconds of sort of sub jungkook (you just like seeing him on his knees), you call jungkook a good boy, shower sex, hair pulling, oral sex, face riding, standing sex, breast play, cum eating, doggy style, unprotected sex, creampie

⟶ note: because blue haired jungkook has me feeling all sorts of things. also dedicating this to the lovely ryen @kithtaehyung because blue haired jungkook is getting her too and i hope this helps!! and thank you to the wonderful @gamerkooks and @stanrandomthings for always giving me inspiration for gamer jungkook <3

“What the hell are you doing?”

Jungkook has less than a second to react when he hears you bursting through the door of his bedroom, a guilty expression plastered on his face as if you’ve caught him in the midst of a much worse act than what he’s already currently doing ━ but the flustered scowl deepening your countenance is enough for him to certainly feel that way, because how else is he supposed to casually explain why he’s currently sitting shirtless in front of a camera?

Admittedly, the sight is odd enough, and there’s a split moment where your incredulous look is enough to make him feel as if he’s wronged you, and your six month long relationship with him, entirely before he remembers that he didn’t actually do anything wrong like cheat on you, but is actually just trying to dye his hair.

He’s sat in his gaming chair, camera and lights set up around him, and the monitor of his desktop all recording his face to the hundreds of thousands of viewers currently watching his livestream. He had told you well in advance about his aim to do a twenty-four hour live broadcast for his subscribers to both raise money for a donation and to countdown to his next subscriber milestone with the help of his friends ━ and had even asked you to help him plan the event, discussing it animatedly with you for the past month on various occasions ━ but mainly just because Jungkook is crazy enough to sit through a twenty-four hour stream and call it fun.

You had known most of how the entirety of the day would go. Starting from noon the previous day to now, almost an hour before the stream ends, thus far he’s done various gameplays from Minecraft to Overwatch to Among Us simultaneously with his friends who had offered to marathon with him the twenty-four hour event; had a period of time in which Jimin and Taehyung were over and cramped in his room to answer questions and talk to viewers but mostly just to create absolute chaos. You had been there for most of it, though you’re still trying to figure out if it’s a blessing or a curse that you were suckered into paying rent for your three bedroom apartment by Taehyung more than a year ago, and subsequently falling madly in love with Jungkook and forcing you to aid in his antics. You’ve been in a handful of his videos before, appearing in Twitch and YouTube streams, and in the background of vlogs in his channel and the channels belonging to the other boys; and, on that day for Jungkook’s twenty-four hour event, you had joined him at the start before being dragged away for work and then tried to pull an all-nighter with him until you crashed on the couch in the living room, and checking in on him occasionally to give him food and water and to just generally make sure your boyfriend isn’t dead.

Now, with the remaining final hour dwindling down, you had been in your room trying to finish last minute essay writing for school, with your phone propped up on your desk and Jungkook’s livestream playing as background noise to your studying. One minute, he had been playing a round of Among Us, and the next, when you had glanced up, he had the bottle in hand and the detrimental blue dye coating his hair in slick globs. It wouldn’t have been so shocking, had you not seen Jungkook an hour ago when he had his natural dark hair still, and now he had somehow managed to sneak in bleaching his hair in the time you had left him. Maybe it was your fault for not catching it sooner, if only because you had sheepishly taken a small nap amidst your studying only to wake up to a nightmare.

Which is where that leaves you currently, dishevelled demeanour standing at the threshold of his door after chasing over to his room, watching as Taehyung helps Jungkook sufficiently ruin his beautiful hair which you love so much.

“Uh… Dyeing my hair?” Jungkook finally answers, dumbfounded. He’s fortunate he had pulled off his shirt to avoid getting hair dye on it, an old towel now draped around his shoulders to catch any excess mess. He adds brightly, “We asked for suggestions on how to end the stream and someone said I should dye my hair, so Tae got the stuff.”

“You bleached your own hair?” You retort, exasperated. “When the hell did all this happen? I’ve been next door to you the whole time! What if your hair falls out? You should’ve gotten a professional to do it, not Tae━”

Taehyung looks inexplicably offended by your slandering remarks on his (lack of) hair styling skills, retorting with, “Yo, what the━?”

Jungkook blinks, as if just being made aware of what he’s actually doing.

“My hair’s gonna fall out?” he gaps. “Guys, what the hell? Why’d no one tell me?”

He looks from you to Taehyung then over at the comments on his livestream which are currently flooding with the sole topic of you. His eyes snag the first few that appear to him in the frenzied influx of words:

uh oh jungkook’s sleeping on the floor tonight

oh shit run bro

f in the chat for jk’s hair

get him y/n!!!!

“Dude, she’s just being dramatic,” Taehyung waves you off. He ducks out of the way when you reach out to Jungkook’s bed for a pillow and chuck it at the older boy’s head.

“And when he’s bald, then what━”

“No!” A helpless Jungkook exclaims suddenly. He gestures wildly to the stream, “Don’t give them ideas. The edits are gonna start pouring in.”

“Jeon, look, it’s too late to go back now,” Taehyung says. “You’ve got half your head covered in dye and three minutes to go with the stream. How bad can it be?”

A groveling sigh eclipses your lips as you push yourself forward. “Then at least let me help before you ruin it completely.”

Jungkook’s fortunate, to say the least, though he’s left wondering if you’re truly upset with him.

He finishes the countdown to the end of his twenty-four hour stream with you and Taehyung putting the last remaining globs of dye on his hair, a heartfelt goodbye to his viewers who marathoned the stream with him, and a promise to update them on the status of his hair when he washes the dye out.

And, just as soon as he’s shut his camera off, the mundane world returns to him.

It’s no longer millions of anonymous and faceless viewers watching him from the other side of their screens in the tiny bubble that is his room, but just you and Taehyung and the older boy’s frisky little Pomeranian dog and the threat of a wallowing regret as Jungkook thinks to himself, what the hell did he truly just do to his hair?

At some point, Taehyung retreats to his girlfriend’s house taking Yeontan with him, leaving you alone with Jungkook and he basks in the sudden cozy quiet after twenty-four hours of madness as the adrenaline rush begins to fade and mellow out. Back aching, joints cracking and popping as he stretches and moves, and eyes burning in the similar way they do from having stared at a screen for too long, but tenfold, he craves nothing more than to find your sweet and comforting touch to end such a long day.

He finds you in the living room already scrolling through your phone and your Twitter feed to read and marvel at all the comments and memes made by his viewers during his stream and his heart threatens to burst through his chest because you’ve always been so supportive of him and his fans, and they’ve always adored you and your endless interactions with them. So, surely, you can’t be mad at him for bleaching and dyeing his hair. Right?

As his arms come to wrap around you from behind, face nuzzling in the crook of your neck, he hears you bemoan, “You look like a Smurf came on your head.”

Wrong.

Well, not entirely, he guesses. You do lean into his chest, practically melting against him. A sluggish grin tugs at his lips and, instead, he chooses to ask, “Shower with me?”

“Aren’t you tired, Koo?”

“Baby,” he deadpans, and your heart flutters just a little bit, “by this point, I’m running solely on Red Bull and coffee that I’m positive I could fight the gods with my bare hands and win. In fact, I’ve had so much caffeine that I’m fairly certain I’ve ascended to the astral plane. Besides, I need to wash this dye out, and I could use some help. Sleep can wait.”

“Help,” You snort. “You’re such a liar. I already know what you want.”

“To spend time with my beautiful girlfriend? You’re right.”

“I’m not sucking your dick.”

He pulls his head back to look at you. Though he tries to look offended, there’s the tiniest of smirks on his face. “Wasn’t gonna ask you!”

You turn to properly face him in his arms and shoot him a dubious glance. He leans down to press a chilling kiss to your jaw, then nudges his nose against you in the same spot so that you’ll move your head. You do so, despite your prior scolding, and let him kiss the underside of your jaw down to your neck.

“Okay, fine,” You huff finally.

You relent, miraculously, but Jungkook had already guessed you would the moment he had found you in the living room and he couldn’t be happier.

He cherishes the moments alone with you, has come to know them well as he falls into a comfortable routine with you away from prying eyes over the last few months. Because sometimes, as he comes to learn, it’s hard to establish a relationship when his job requires him to be in the spotlight often. What is authentic and what is simply fabricated for views is difficult to discern, and yet you’re patient with him. Not everything to him is money and views and numbers, or what his next big plan is, or how you could potentially help him in some way (despite knowing that any video featuring you seems to skyrocket his views and land his videos on the trending page of YouTube more often than not because he knows everyone loves you more than him). You know when he’s his online persona and when he’s simply just Jungkook, and while there’s hardly any difference between the two, his online personality surely has to maintain a level of privacy and happiness that may not always be true.

At least with you, he can just be himself. He can finally be at ease.

Showering together is just one of the many acts of normalcy he cherishes with you. So, he turns on the shower and lets the bathroom get all warm and balmy as you undress. He’s the first one inside, hissing in delight as he lets the water run over his sore muscles, washing out the dye in his hair firstly so as not to get it on you and fortunately not making too much of a mess of blue dye in the tub. You’ve joined him in an instant when he’s nearly done, squeezing into the space in front of him as you shut the glass door behind you, the pane already beginning to fog and slick with droplets of condensation. He pulls you into him once more, nestling his chin on your shoulder as his hands come to wrap around you. They slide across your front, all wet and soapy, briefly gliding across your breasts, palms brushing against your nipples before traveling down to your navel.

“Congrats, baby,” You coo gently. “Twenty-four hours.”

He murmurs into your hair, “Missed you loads though.”

You turn to look at him finally, and it’s hard not to stare. Your eyes land firstly on his abdomen and the toned muscles there, trailing up to his arm and the pretty tattoos that decorate every inch of his skin, to his soft pink lips and his big eyes. Then, there’s the matter of his hair. The water has done most of the work in washing out the dye from his hair, now falling across his forehead and into his eyes and cheekbones, and it’s only then that you fully register the dye has worked as you struggle to find any remnants of his once-ebony-then-blonde locks. The blue hair is an obvious stark contrast to his natural hair and, you think, it is pretty, accentuating his radiant skin and making his eyes pop.

“I didn’t think you were actually serious all those times you said you wanted to change your hair.” Your lips are pursed as you survey him now, your fingers twirling a strand of his tresses around and around as you inspect it.

He smiles, catching your hand and pressing a quick peck to your knuckles. “Neither did I,” he admits sheepishly. “It sort of just happened.”

You pout. “I’m gonna miss your natural hair.”

“Do you really hate it blue?”

“I don’t hate it. Was more scared you’d ruin your pretty hair and make it all fall out.”

At this, Jungkook flashes you a cheeky smile. He holds his head a little higher. “So you still think my hair is pretty?”

“I think you’re a dork,” You clarify. “And, aside from the fact you almost gave me a heart attack, I’d say the blue is so pretty. Beyond pretty. Kinda hot, if I’m being honest.”

Because you’re not really mad, but it’s fun just to tease Jungkook and see his reactions. At the very least, he can sense this, as it’s apparent with the way his smile stretches even wider on his face.

“Hot, huh?”

“Mhm. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

He feigns a look of mock hurt. “Oh no. You must be really mad. Want me to make it up to you?”

“How are you gonna do that?”

“Well, what do you want from me?”

You take a moment to think it over, but the answer is already obvious enough. It’s one that even he knows, and one that has won you over the moment Jungkook was freed from his stream. You hum aloud, “You, on your knees, head between my legs, like a good boy. Think I can get a better viewpoint of your hair from down there anyway before I judge it.”

“Like a good boy?” A dark smirk tugs at his face. “So now who’s the needy one?”

He lowers his head so that he’s leaving a trail of sloppy wet kisses down your neck to your collarbones. As you let yourself get carried away for a moment, you wrap your arm around his neck, pulling him backwards until you’re pressed up against the glass door. He ducks even lower, kissing just above your left breast and then catching your nipple between his teeth. You swallow thickly, rubbing your thighs together, reminding yourself to respond to him.

“It’s not my fault when you were busy for the past day,” You pout. “And the blue hair really is sexy.”

“Aha!” he straightens up in front of you suddenly, a crooked smug smile on his face. “So I’m not just hot. I’m sexy.”

“You’re literally always sexy. And beautiful too. It’s almost unfair.”

“That’s even better.”

You tug your fingers at his damp locks. When you speak, your voice is a mix between urgency and a whine. “Jungkook. I could’ve already gotten off with my hand at this point.”

“Ouch, feisty!” He pokes his fingers at your sides. Then, nipping a little more firmly on the soft skin of your breast, murmurs huskily, “Alright, alright. But only if you call me a good boy again.”

Part of him is taunting you, but there’s a small sliver of intrigue that makes the thought in his head and the pretty words on your tongue excite him to no end.

Still, you choose to entertain him, maybe a little drowsily and entirely consumed by him, “I will if you let me ride your face.”

A rumble of a chuckle resonates from him. You find him on his knees in the next moment, wedging himself between your thighs. He nudges one of your legs and you follow the wordless command, hitching one thigh over his shoulder as you settle back against the glass door of the shower. He kisses at your hips as he dips his head lower and lower to where you want him, before swiping his tongue at your cunt, tasting all of you at once.

“Mmm, Koo━” A soft whimper sounds from you, making his head swim.

He wastes no time in lapping at your folds, tongue delving into you deeper and deeper as he cranes his neck. The wetness that pools between your legs and on the tip of his tongue is a sticky mess that he basks in just a little longer.

“Fuck,” he groans into your pussy, “you taste so fucking good. Missed this so much.”

His hands are big as they come to hold you close, cradling your ass, your thighs, your hips, anything to pull you into him while simultaneously pushing your thighs further apart.

You manage to find your voice and quip weakly, “Missed me or having your head between my legs?”

“You, definitely,” he murmurs. He busies himself by reaching out with his thumb to press circles against your clit. Your mouth falls open in a silent moan, hips rutting into his face. “All of you.”

“Jungkook━ Fuck━”

He burrows further into you, humming in response. His nose brushes against your clit, the muscle of his tongue a pleasant wet that makes you warm all over. You give another experimental swivel of your hips, grinding against his tongue just right. He pinches at your hips as if to probe you onward, and then you do it again, and again, desperately rocking your hips back and forth against him. Your fingers reach out to grab a fistful of his hair, clutching it so tightly he hisses. But you’re right. The blue locks look dazzling between your legs, being pulled by your hands as you push him further into you.

His eyes meet yours from below your waist, hooded and idle, enjoying the view as you squirm and writhe above him, shamelessly riding his face. Grinding against his chin, nose, and tongue, the slick wetness you leave behind glistens on his skin.

“Ah, Koo━” You cry out. “Fuck, I’m gonna━!”

Your orgasm hits you violently, sending you keeling. Your hips continue with reckless abandon, and Jungkook presses his finger against your clit a little harder, a little faster. The abrupt gushing warmth between your thighs sends your mind spinning, as the steam from the shower and your panting breaths begin to fog the bathroom. When your hips begin to slow, Jungkook laps at the rest of your leaking core before pulling away with a grin brandishing his shimmering face. He lets you pull him up eagerly, clumsy hands fumbling to hold either side of his face as you tug at him.

“God, you’re so hot, babe,” he sighs wistfully, smothering your lips with his for an all too chaste kiss, before leaning in once more to nibble at your lower lip.

“Wanna feel you, Koo,” You prompt urgently. “Want you in me.”

Jungkook hastens to comply, his hands falling to your waist. “Go on, then. Turn around for me.”

You don’t need to be told twice. You spin so that you’re facing the glass sliding door, your back to him. You watch him over your shoulder, momentarily admiring his well built stature, the tattoos that ink his body, and the water that shimmers on his skin. He has to push his wet hair up and away when it falls across his forehead and then he reaches down to grasp at his length, grip tight around his shaft so that he can pump himself sluggishly a few short times. It’s almost painful to watch him jerk himself off in front of you, the tip a burning red and glistening. He catches you staring and decides to catch you off guard when he grabs a hold of your hips with one hand. He yanks you towards him, your ass pressed firmly against his hips, making you jump from the startle, and grins when you look back at him.

Then, ever so slowly, he runs the length of his cock along your folds. Before you can brace yourself for the overwhelming rush of pleasure, he’s sliding his cock past your folds, burrowing into you deep. He curses behind you, his other hand flying out to steady himself by digging into your hip.

“Fffuck. Shit.” He dips his head so that his cheek is resting against your shoulder and sputters for air. “Jesus, fuck━ Been dying to feel you all day.”

He fits so snugly in you, so perfectly, just like always and you take him so well, coaxed by your own arousal. He ruts his hips forward into yours and you nearly fall forward before catching yourself by pressing your palms to the glass. Then, he’s grinding against you, small and precise thrusts that roll into your hips.

“Mmm, Jungkook,” you choke out. “You feel so━ So good.”

“Ah, shit,” he hisses. “Wanna wreck you so bad.”

He angles his chest a little more, pummels his dick into you in such a way that he’s hitting a different spot in you. His eyes stay fixated on the soft, round flesh of your ass and the way his cock slips so easily into you, brows screwed in concentration, jaw clenched. The slight bounce of your ass each time he rolls his hips firmly against you, the way you ricochet forward each time in tandem with his moves. You bow your head, pressing your temple against the glass door now tinted with condensation, only marked up by the imprints of your fingers grasping at anything. It’s almost sweltering hot in the shower now but you both pay no mind to it. He fucks into you with such languid, steady strides, cock beginning to throb and twitch in anticipation. You feel so wet, such a pitiless mess between your thighs already that it makes him growl.

“H-Harder,” You mewl. “Oh, Koo━”

He almost slips behind you in his eagerness to obey, awakening something animalistic in him, a yearning to just release all the tension in his core. This time, he adapts a measured pace, forceful thrusts that have you crying out in delight each time. One hand reaches up to grip at your shoulder to steady himself while his other slithers around your front to grasp at your breasts, all wet and supple, pinching at your nipples.

“So good,” he moans, pressing sloppy kisses just below your ear. His breath is hot as he pants behind you, sending tingles down your spine. “Fuck━”

His voice is cut off by a whine, hips bucking forward in an unsolicited manner as he feels his high drawing near. You lean your head onto his shoulder, stretching your arm out so that you can tug desperately at his hair. It’s a silent, simple command, but it’s one that he immediately understands even without you speaking.

“Wanna feel you━” You whimper. “Wanna see you.”

Jungkook nearly slips as he fumbles to pull out of you, hissing at the loss of warmth and friction. As soon as you’ve turned to face him, he wastes no time in closing the distance between you. He pushes his leaking cock past your folds once more and continues at the same pace as if he had never even stopped to begin with.

“Fuck,” he whines. “Not gonna last━”

You wrap your arms around his neck, drawing him even closer to you, as he presses you against the glass. He hitches one of your thighs around his waist, spreading your legs just wide enough to hit a certain spot that has both of you crying out. You’re clinging so tightly to him, fingers digging harshly into his skin in an attempt to alleviate the building pressure you feel. He knows you’ve almost reached your end when you resort to a gasping, moaning mess, writhing beneath his broad stature.

“Close, baby?” he hums.

You open your mouth to respond but can only muster a whimper. His pace treads over to heedlessly frantic, the sound of skin against skin and the lewd wetness filling the shower. Despite his hips pounding into yours so harshly, his fingers flutter so delicately under your chin, grasping it and moving your head just enough so that you’re facing him.

“Lemme see you,” he grunts. “Wanna watch you when you cum all over my cock. Always so pretty.”

“I━ I’m━ Fuck, Koo━”

But you can’t finish your thought.

You keep your gaze fixated on Jungkook’s, however exhausted and weary it may be. Your lashes flutter, brows knit together, and you suck your lower lip between your teeth, biting so hard Jungkook’s certain you’ll bruise it. Another few hard thrusts and then you’re reaching your high, overcome by such an intense burning that you can’t help but look away out of instinct. You cry his name, face contorting in pure pleasure, and chest arching to meet his. You’re clenching so tightly around him has him sputtering for air, nearly collapsing entirely against you. You’re near dripping around his cock which only means he almost slips from you with each draw of his hips that he makes. It’s why he sloppily rocks his hips into yours, desperate to reach his own high as well.

When you return to your senses, blinking away your blurry vision, you can make out Jungkook cooing into your ear, “That’s it, baby. Doing so well.”

You meet his gaze once more, only this time you’re perhaps even more tired. Hooded eyes watch him, silently probing him to his climax. He comes tumbling towards it, a few more short thrusts of his hips and, finally, he’s there. He slams his hips up into yours one final time, crying out, and then he’s releasing into you in an overwhelming abrupt gush. Only he can’t quite enjoy it because, out of genuine accident and driven by impatience to just get off, the last jerk of his hips hits you a little too hard.

It’s what causes you to slip backward and he, so lost in his own reverie, hardly has a proper grip on you or where he’s standing. When you lose your footing beneath you, slipping on the wet porcelain of the tub, and comes crashing down, he’s brought along with you. “Oh, fuck━!”

The both of you yelp from the surprise, your hands flailing out to brace yourself for the fall.

Fortunately, you land on him when you reach the bottom of the tub, courtesy of him grabbing onto you last second so that he can soften the blow upon impact.

Unfortunately, the breath is knocked out of him from the startle and from the sudden added weight of you on top of him with no warning.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he groans.

“In hindsight,” You wince as you shift your weight above him, “maybe having sex in the shower again wasn’t the greatest idea. Remember last time when we knocked the shower curtain down and I had to get stitches on my elbow? It’s why we got the glass door installed, and then we had to lie to Tae about it.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” He tilts his head back, rubbing a hand over his face. Then, he flashes you an all too charming smirk. “Was kinda worth it though.”

You giggle, sounding so sweet and angelic, even despite the way his cum still leaks from you. Somewhere in the fall, his dick had slipped from you and now lays softening on his stomach which, really, is probably the worst part of the accident to him. He already misses the warmth of you wrapped around him, your mingling cum a dirty mess around him. You prop yourself up on his chest with your palms, but before you can even think to respond, you notice something out of the corner of your eye.

A small mass of fur in the shape of little Yeontan has just poked his head through the crack in the door, oblivious to you and Jungkook’s compromising position. And then, shortly following behind him, is his equally oblivious owner who must have forgotten something in the apartment to bring him back so suddenly.

“Tannie, get back here━ We gotta go━ Oh, Jesus, what the fuck?” Taehyung appears at the door for a millisecond before noticing the situation he’s just stumbled upon. Thankfully, he acts fast, and clamps a hand over his tainted eyes, clumsily scooping up Yeontan in his other hand. “Can you guys please stop fucking all over this damn apartment? My son’s eyes are too pure for this!”

And then he’s retreating, but not before bumping blindly into the doorframe, grumbling along the way. It’s silent for a moment as you and Jungkook gawk at one another; then you hear Taehyung leave the apartment once more, and the both of you dissolve into a fit of unabashed laughter.

“Are you okay?” You ask once you’ve calmed down enough as he reaches out to shut the shower off. You plant a kiss in your boyfriend’s hair. “You hit your head coming down.”

Jungkook’s heart swells at your gentle touches and smiles. “I’m fine,” he promises brightly. “You?”

“Well, you did just thoroughly fuck me, so━” You shrug innocently. “I’m kinda still too giddy to even care.”

“I’m gonna make it up to you,” he says. “For almost giving you a heart attack with my hair and for almost putting you in the emergency room again just now.”

The mention of his hair draws your attention to it once more. It’s not as wet as before, damp azure waves falling into his eyes that you brush away gingerly.

“Yeah,” You snort, “but I’ve decided I like your hair. Like, really like it.”

“Yeah?” he grins wide. “What was the deciding factor?”

You pause, as if to think for a moment. Exhaustion riddles your body and you know sleeping curled up next to Jungkook is nearing your future, but for now you let yourself entertain the last remnants of whatever lewd thoughts are still on yours and his minds before they fizzle away completely. You can’t help yourself anyway. The blue really is nice.

“Definitely the view of you eating me out,” You say. “And can’t forget how pretty it looks when I’m pulling at your hair.”

“Say no more,” he beams. “Then I’ll make it up to you by making you cum on my tongue again and again and again.”

The last thing he hears before he grabs at your cheek to softly pull you down to him for one last kiss, slow and ardent, is a bubbly giggle from you that delights him to no end.

“That’s a good boy.”

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just-jordie-things · 3 years

Text

Insecurities - Richie Tozier

word count: 4319 warnings: swearing summary: Richie’s greatest fear is not being good enough for her- and It knows to use that against him ___

Richie Tozier loved his girlfriend. He idolized her, he prioritized her, and every day that he was with her felt like a miracle. She was his favorite person, the light of his life, and he was so goddamn in love with her that it consumed his entire being.

Thing was, (y/n) was out of his league, and his friends and peers reminded him of it, every, fucking, day. Either with a joke about how he landed a girl like that, or a comment about how she’ll find someone better too. His friends weren’t purposefully being assholes, and they never knew how deep their words could cut into Richie. But he’d never told them how insecure he really was.

(y/n) never thought anything of it. She loved Richie and that’s all that mattered. He made her happier than she ever could have imagined herself being in this town. In this dreary place she lived, he managed to be a ray of spontaneity and sun that she was grateful for every day. She longed to tell him how much she loved him, she’d never gathered the courage to say it before, but always felt the words burning in her throat. She knew her friends were teasing, and never second guessed them or Richie’s feelings about it.

That is, until Neibolt. ___

“This, is a bad fucking idea” Richie had muttered into her ear when they’d walked onto the property.

She wasn’t sure if it was out of annoyance for wasting a day that they could have spent at the arcade, or out of his own fear for trekking into the obviously haunted house.

If it was fear, she knew he wouldn’t say anything about it. So instead, she grabbed his hand and gave him a smile.

“But it’ll make for a great story!” She’d declared.

(She has a tendency to reprimand him on his idiotic ideas, and he always argued that he would have a good story to tell later. So when she repeated his words back to him, he glared a bit)

(y/n) winked, before giggling because Richie always made a funny face when she winked at him. After dating her for a year or so, he has never gotten used to the sight of her winking at him.

But then again, a part of him was still in disbelief that she was his girlfriend and she was winking at him.

He tugged her closer to his side by her hand as they walked into the house.

“Oh, gross” Eddie winced, and continued to complain the further they walked into the hall.

The clubs’ steps gradually slowed.

“What the fuck?” Richie hissed, eyes narrowing while he looked around. “This is a fucking crackhouse-“

He stopped abruptly when there was a loud creaking, and the whole group froze in place. They went silent, ears on alert for the next haunting sound.

Richie’s hand tightened around (y/n’s), making sure that she was secure at his side. She looked up at him, brows furrowed a bit, clearly conflicted about Bill’s plan.

Another creak sounded, and her eyes shot towards the sound, just in time to see a door slowly swinging open. To their surprise, no one, or nothing, appeared in the doorway. It only revealed an empty room.

When Mike took a few tentative steps towards it, (y/n’s) feet also began to move, as if on instinct, her brain told her not to let her friend investigate alone.

“(y/n)” Richie called for her in a hushed voice as she pulled her hand out of his hold.

She glanced back at him as if to say ‘I’m alright’, and then moved swiftly on the tips of her toes up to Mike. They shared a look, before nodding their heads, and walking into the room.

As she examined the old run-down bedroom, she felt her heartbeat steady, as did her breathing. The floorboards were worn and creaky, and the walls had indescribable stains on them, but there was nothing more to it.

“It’s just old” Mike said, a similar expression of relief on his face.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” (y/n) looked back out to their friends to assure them that they were safe. “It was nothing-“

Before the word could even leave her mouth, the door creaked again, and slammed shut before anyone could move.

“(y/n)!” Richie was the first to leap to action, but by the time he’d gotten to the door, it was already locked. And no matter how much he yanked and pulled on the rusty knob, it would not budge.

She was pounding her fists against the other side of it, and from the sounds of it, he was pretty sure Mike was trying to kick the door down from the other side.

“(y/n)! (y/n) it’s gonna be fine! I’m gonna get you out!” RIchie hollered, enlisting in the help of Bill and Beverly in trying to kick open the door.

But even as everyone was kicking, it was no use. The door would rattle in it’s frame, and not crack even a little bit.

“It’s It!” Beverly declared, trying to get the boys to halt in their frantic kicking before they hurt themselves. “Guys- Richie- we won’t be able to break it open, it’s like- cursed, or something”

He didn’t want to give up that fast, he wanted to keep kicking this door until his shoes were worn through and his feet were bruised, until (y/n) was free.

“It’s alright!” (y/n) called from the room. “Mike found a part of the wall that’s caved in, we’re gonna try to break through it to the other side of the hall, okay?”

“W-we’ll meet you o-over there” Bill said, already heading around the corner of the hallway with Stan. Even though it was clear she’d only been informing one person.

“Richie,” She spoke again. “Go on, I’ll be fine, Mike’s here with me, I’ll see you in a couple minutes, okay?”

She was trying so hard to keep her voice brave, but he could hear it begin to crack, even through the door.

“I’m not fucking leaving you-”

“Richie, go, I don’t want you standing alone out there,” (y/n) ordered. “I gotta go help Mike with the wall, see you in a minute”

He could barely hear her footsteps take off, and then leaned forward to press his ear against the wood, hoping to hear them breaking through with ease. But now he couldn’t hear a thing.

Richie spun around, about to alert Eddie and Ben how oddly enough he couldn’t hear their friends tearing through a wall.

But Eddie and Ben weren’t there.

“Guys?” Richie hollered, breaking into a jog in hopes to catch them around the corner, where Mike and (y/n) were supposed to meet everyone.

But no one was there either.

“Hello!? Guys!? Where’d you go!?”

He began to yell a bit louder now, rushing around anywhere he could in search of his friends, but he hadn’t found, or even heard anyone. How had they abandoned him so fast? Didn’t they notice?

“Richie?” A scratchy but familiar voice called from behind him.

He turned on his heel and was instantly relieved at the sight of (y/n).

“Oh, thank fucking god” He breathed out heavily, taking swift steps towards her.

She, however, took a sharp step backwards.

“Don’t come any closer” She snapped, and Richie froze on the spot.

“W-what-?”

“Stay the fuck back!” She screeched now, so loud that the harsh words echoed down the halls. They seemed to ring in Richie’s ears for a lifetime.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. But he did as she asked, and didn’t move any closer to her. “Did something happen-?”

“Jesus Richie fuck off!” She snarled now, and if that wasn’t shocking enough, she stormed up to him, and shoved him against his chest with both hands, mustering all the force she could.

Richie stumbled until he tripped over his feet and fell to the ground. He couldn’t believe she was strong enough to push him to the ground like that. (y/n) wasn’t frail by any means, but she shouldn’t have been able to knock him down with such ease.

“Blabber and hover- blabber and hover with you!” She was yelling down at him now, and Richie pushed himself up on shaky arms.

This was incredibly unlike her-

“You can never just leave me the hell alone! Can you!?” She went on, voice booming unnaturally with each bark. “Always on my ass, always crowding me!”

If he wasn’t so afraid, he would have noticed how with every word, her teeth turned more ragged, and sharper.

“Do you think I enjoy it? Being stuck with you? It’s a goddamn burden! I can’t stand to be around you- I fucking hate you Richie Tozier!”

“Y-you’re not- this isn’t-” He could barely speak his throat was burning so bad from holding back tears.

This couldn’t be (y/n)... (y/n) would never…

“What, I’m not real?” The word came out in a vicious snarl, and suddenly she warped into another figure.

He wasn’t sure if this one was worse.

“You piece of shit!” Henry Bowers barked. “Haven’t I told you to stay the fuck out of this town!?”

Richie lunged himself backwards, trying to crawl away from this horrible nightmare as fast as possible. But the more he tried to scurry away, the worse the image in front of him became.

“You’re a freak!” (y/n) screamed in his face again. “You’re a loser, Richie. You think anyone would want to be with you?”

He couldn’t breathe- the tears- the panic- it all welled up inside of him and he knew he was going to explode soon.

“This isn’t real, you’re not real, you’re not her”

“Aren’t I though?” Her voice dropped to a haunting whisper, and she leaned in close to him. “Aren’t I!?” She screamed.

Richie closed his eyes, shaking his head rapidly and hoping that when he opened them again, she’d be gone, and he’d wake up in his bedroom. This was just one terrible fucking nightmare, it’ll be over soon-

“The real (y/n) doesn’t have the guts to fucking tell you” She snarled, reminding him of his reality.

“Stop it!” Richie yelled, unable to hold back his tears any longer.

“She’s never been able to speak up and say-”

“Go away!” He begged, voice cracking in desperation.

“She knows she’s too good for you, and let’s face it fuckface, I am too good for you”

He didn’t have it in him to beg It to leave him alone, as he broke down sobbing into his hands, enduring the cuel wrath.

“She hates you, for dragging her down, for hanging off of her like a dog,” Her tone slowly warped into something more squeaky, and masculine, until she wasn’t exactly the image of (y/n) anymore. “Ohhh… she haaates you Richie”

When he dared to look, he was met with the gruesome sight of a circus clown. A rather large circus clown.

“But you can stay, Richie, you can float with us!”

“No- no…. no no no!”

He covered his face again as he pleaded and wept uncontrollably. He wished that It would just get it over with, because he couldn’t take this torture anymore.

“Richie!” A voice screamed. Not the scream that he’d heard just moments ago, but a worried shriek.

Even still, he kept his hands planted safely over his eyes. It couldn’t get in his face if he couldn’t see the form it had taken.

“Richie- Richie,” The voice panted again, this time soft, and close to his ear. “Hey, it’s me” She murmured.

Gentle hands grasped onto his wrists, and pulled on his arms until he revealed his face.

He was met with the concerned eyes of his girlfriend, her brow so furrowed there were lines on her forehead, and a pout on her lips that he’d never seen there before.

“Babe,” She whispered so soft he was certain that he’d imagined that too. “What happened?”

He flinched when she reached for him, and the action shattered her heart to pieces, but she tried her best not to show it. Tentatively, she reached her hand out to place against his cheek, pulling her sleeve over her palm to wipe away the flow of tears.

“You’re- are you-”

“I’m real,” She nodded, beginning to realize what had happened. “It’s me, promise”

His eyes wandered her features unsurely, and she sighed.

“Do you want me to prove it?” She murmured, and began to speak before he could even nod his head. “On our first date, you called me sweet cheeks, and then got so embarrassed about it that you tripped and dropped your ice cream” There was a weak smile on her lips at the memory, hoping that it would be enough to calm Richie down.

He let out a shaky whimper, before surging forward and wrapping his arms around her torso. He held her so tightly that she had to control her breaths, but it was alright because he believed her and things were going to be okay.

“It’s alright,” She cooed into his ear as he cried into the crook of her neck. “I know, it’s awful”

One of his hands cradled the back of her head, fingers tangled in her hair. The other was fisting the material of her jacket. He couldn’t speak, he was crying so hard, ut it was enough to know that she was here right now.

(y/n) rubbed his back in soothing circles as she held him for a few moments longer, until she knew it was time to go, and pulled away.

“Come on, we gotta get out of here,” She whispered, wiping his opposite cheek tenderly. “Eddie broke his arm” She told him as she helped him to his feet, and intertwined their fingers as they raced out of Neibolt.

The others, besides Eddie, were standing in the front yard.

Eddie was being shoved into his mother’s car, while Mrs K was scolding their friends.

“I knew my boy shouldn’t be playing with the likes of you all,” She rambled, snarling at Beverly in particular. “This is all your fault. All your fault! I hope your proud of yourselves for maiming my boy!”

She stormed off to her car, and Eddie could barely wave out the window before she’d driven off.

“I know where It is,” Bill spoke after a beat passed. “And n-next time we’ll come p-prepared”

Richie’s eyes widened before glaring at the boy, finding it ridiculous that he thought it was a good idea to not only come back, but to come back and retaliate.

“No next time, Bill!” Stan begged, shaking his head.

“We have to,” Beverly said. “Ben, you said so yourself, It comes back every twenty-seven years-”

“Fine! I’ll be forty and far away from here!” He answered.

With his words, a layer of tension settled over the group.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t save Georgie,” Richie grumbled, pulling away from (y/n) to head to his bike. “But you can still save yourself” He finished, brushing past Bill’s shoulder.

“N-no,” Bill stammered, pushing Richie back by the shoulder. “T-take it back!”

“Face the truth, Bill! You’re chasing a lie-!”

He couldn’t even finish before Bill pushed harder, and swing a fist against Richie’s cheek.

“Bill!” (y/n) screeched, leaping forward to break them up before something could happen.

She grabbed Richie by the elbow before he could land a punch, and yanked him back while Mike grabbed a secure hold on Bill.

“Face it! We’re losers! That’s it!” Richie snarled.

He shrugged (y/n’s) hold off of him, and her eyes shot to his, broken, and hurt.

“I’m going home. I don’t want to get fucking killed too” He muttered, and when he stormed off to his bike, Bill didn’t stop him this time.

“R-Richie?” (y/n) called brokenly, stumbling forward on wobbly legs, but it didn’t matter, he was already zooming down the street as fast as he could.

Before she could crumpe to the ground, Beverly grabbed a hold of her, hugging her against her side comfortingly.

It was silent as everyone dispersed, barely giving each other a second glance as they rode off.

Beverly hugged (y/n) tight before she got on the back of Bill’s bike. Murmuring a soft, ‘see you later’ that (y/n) wasn’t quite convinced of.

She didn’t have the energy in her to bike home, but the only other option was to sit outside Neibolt, alone, and the sun was beginning to set, so she gathered what little strength she had left in her to slowly make her way home. ___

When she came home past dinner, covered in muck and bruises, her parents barely batted an eye. Even as she let out a soft cry with every step up the stairs, it was like they tuned her out completely.

It had thrown her around like a ragdoll after she tried to defend Eddie. As brave as she’d tried to be, she’d been terrified, shaking straight down to the bone as she forced herself to stand in front of him.

The demonic clown had simply swing an arm, and sent her tumbling across the ground.

It took a long shower to get all the dirt scraped off her skin. But even as it was washed down the drain, the memories of this afternoon would haunt her for life.

Maybe Bill was right. Maybe It needed to be stopped now, before he could just keep coming back and traumatizing a new generation of children every thirty or so years. But even if she really wanted to kill the creature, she wouldn’t even know where to begin. And her brain was already swarmed with a worse thought,

Was Richie done with me?

She sniffled a bit at the idea, but wiped her eyes before they could be filled with tears.

No, he was just angry, and scared, he would never… he wouldn’t just leave like that… would he?

A few knocks on her window made her jolt up in bed, nerves spreading throughout her body like electricity. She instantly thought that It had found her, and was back to finish what he’d started.

But as she rushed to turn on the lamp sitting on her bedside table, her muscles relaxed to see it was only Richie, waiting rather impatiently for her to unlock her window.

She threw the covers off of her, and moved as quickly as she could to let him in.

As soon as she pushed the window upwards, he was crawling in, oddly silent.

“Hey,” She murmured, not wanting to alert her parents downstairs that her boyfriend had snuck in.

He’d done so a million times before, and they’ve never gotten caught, but today was a rather awful day and she didn’t want to have one more thing ruined.

“Are you feeling be-”

“We need to talk” Richie mumbled, effectively cutting her off with the upsetting words.

“O-Okay…” (y/n) answered, trying not to jump to conclusions. “What… about..?” She asked slowly.

“I think-” He started to speak quickly, but just couldn’t seem to finish the sentence.

He couldn’t even look her in the eyes.

“We- we should- we need to break up”

It was like her heart plummeted right out of her body, sending every nerve to go numb. She had to have heard him wrong- this wasn’t like Richie- maybe this wasn’t even the real-

“I- I want to break up” He added in an even quieter voice. She caught the crack in his words, and she shook her head in confusion.

“What?” She could barely manage to say the one word.

“I know you heard me,” Richie sighed, eyes finally flickering up to hers. “Come on (y/n) don’t make this any more difficult than it-”

“You’re the one being difficult!” She whisper-hissed, eyes widening a bit in frustration. “What are you doing? Wh- why are you-”

“Come on,” Richie whispered. “Don’t do that-”

“Give me one reason why we should break up” (y/n) crossed her arms. She wasn’t going to let him walk away that easy. Something was up, and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

“We’re not a good fit, alright?” He answered, volume raising a bit above his previous murmur. “We don’t work, and I was a fucking idiot to think that we would”

“Richie…” (y/n) sighed in disbelief.

“You wanted an answer-”

“Where is this coming from?” She asked with a shake of her head. “I know you don’t really want to break up-”

“Well we have to!” He yelled, and they were both silent for a minute, trying to see if her parents had heard him.

When there was no response from downstairs, she snapped back at him.

“Why?” She stressed the word, desperate for him to just fess up whatever it was that was bothering him.

“Why? Do you even have to ask, (y/n)?” Richie asked.

Her eyebrows knitted together as he spoke in such a harsh tone. Richie never talked to her like that.

“Look at me, (y/n)! I mean, come on, it was only a fucking matter of time before you got bored and realized how much of your time you’ve wasted on me!”

If she’d thought him trying to break up was horrible, this was even worse.

“Oh, Rich-”

“I’m a loser, (y/n), don’t you see that? Don’t you see how terrible for you I am?”

He was breaking her heart with every word.

“Haven’t you heard them? What people say? What our own friends say?” He asks her, but she doesn’t answer, because she can’t. “I am dragging you down with every second of being with you”

“N-no-” She can’t hardly choke out the word, but Richie vents on anyways.

“Might as well just end things now, before one of us gets hurt”

He turns around, as if to head back out her window, but (y/n’s) faster. She wedges herself in between his body, shutting and locking the window before he could just walk away.

“No, s-stop running away,” She cried, and when she looks up at him, she realizes that he can’t look at her because he’s crying too. “Richie,” She whimpers, shaky hands reaching up to cup his face, making him look down at her. “That’s not true, none of that is true-”

“It is” He replies, brokenly.

She shakes her head, and steps closer to him.

“It lied to you,” She tells him. “I know It probably told you some terrible, nasty things,”

Richie squeezes his eyes shut, and the next thing he knows, he’s falling to his knees. But (y/n) follows, kneeling down with him and shuffling even closer.

“But babe,” She murmured, “It was lying, it was all a trick”

She could feel his tears slipping down his cheeks and over her fingers.

“I just- I don’t want to drag you down-”

“Drag me down?” She repeats in a whisper, thumbs stroking away his tears once more. “Richie,” His eyes open when she says his name, soft and sweet-like.

She pushes his glasses up on top of his mess of curls so she can swipe away the tears under his eyes.

“You do nothing but lift me up,” She tells him. “You’re my ray of sunshine in this terrible fucking town,” An anxious and uncertain smile trembles on her lips. “And all those things you’re so worried about, I love about you,”

There’s a pause as her eyes flicker between his, before gently placing his glasses back on his nose.

“I’m in love with you,” She murmurs. “I love you so much,” She repeats in a sigh, just in case he didn’t hear her the first time. “So much”

A short breath of a laugh escapes him, and a small smile begins to tug on his lips as he looks at her. He knows she means it, he can feel it, he can see it in her eyes that she’s being genuine.

He takes her hands from his face, setting them gently in her lap before cupping her face in his own hands.

“I love you too” He tells her, and before he can lean in, she’s shooting forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and planting her lips on his firmly.

It’s unlike any other kisses they’ve shared. It’s desperate, and careful, and loving, and conveyed every last drop of fear that they’d had in losing each other. She’s kissing him so passionately that her chest is heaving, but she can’t bear to pull away now.

Richie holds her in his lap, and she’s wrapped up in his arms so securely that she’s sure, and she hopes, she’ll never be able to get out of them.

When her lips are swollen and her lungs are burning for oxygen, she finally leaned back slightly, but only by a few centimeters.

“You can’t leave me,” She tells him through heavy breaths. Her eyes are still closed, but he’s staring intently at her anyways. “I need you too much- don’t leave me”

He nods in agreement, caressing her cheek affectionately.

“Okay,” He hums, and kisses her lips chastely. “I won’t… I won’t”

She falls forward, and embraces him tightly.

Richie’s arms wind around her lower back again, and they sit for a long time like this, catching their breath and holding onto one another firmly, so that neither can leave.

“We have to go back” Richie says after a long time.

“I know” She murmurs against his neck.

“We have to kill that fucking clown” He says, voice dropping it’s gentle tone, turning hard, and final.

“I know” She repeats, the same vengeful tone in her own voice.

Nothing was ever going to come between them again, that was for sure.

___

taglist: @thegr8kush

xoxo ~ jordie

#it 2017 #it 2019 #richie tozier #richie tozier x reader #richie tozier imagine #richie tozier scenario #richie tozier fanfiction #finn wolfhard #finn wolfhard x reader #bill hader #bill hader x reader

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