#sorry for the inactivity lately </3 I have been sick and I have been very busy. not a lot of time for art | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

myaswriting · 1 year

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oh baby !

dad!trevor zegras x black!fem!reader

friends to lovers to parents

warnings: swearing, kissing, baby, talk of birth, pregnancy, young pregnancy. young parents, traditional parents (of reader), references to smut no actual smut

author’s note: hello everyone. i’m so sorry i’ve been so inactive i had emergency surgery last week so i’ve been dealing with recovery as well as the days leading up to it i was very sick. but!! here is some dad trevor to brighten the day!! i hope you guys enjoy.

trevor was always a goofball. he never took anything serious. this became a problem as he got older. he knew when he was very talkative and liked to crack jokes. he was amazing at it after all. he knew he could get out of anything by simply just, talking or telling a few one liners to save the day.

you not so much. you were dramatic, sue me. you worried about everything. it was in your nature. trevor was never careful. he was never aware of how serious things can get. you solved problems with reason and strategy. you never had a reason to not stress.

trevor was your best friend. the only man you’ll ever let that close to you. you were childhood friends who did everything together. of course you had your girl friends that you loved dearly, but trevor was your soulmate.

september 2019 - Boston University

you loved rainy days. you would spend all day watching movies or even reading. rainy days made you feel zen, at peace.

today was not one of those days.

you sat on the cold tile floor, makeup smeared, and tears lining the brim of your eyes. you couldn’t breathe. this couldn’t be happening.

it was one time. one fucking time.

you shakily lift the third pregnancy test you’ve taken today.

= pregnant

“fuck, this can’t be real,” you sob holding the stick close to you. you shake breathing in trying to hold your sobs in.

it was nearly twelve in the morning and you had class early. you really hope you don’t wake up your roommate but you really can’t stop sobbing. you have only been here for 3 weeks and you already fucked up. you parents were going to kill you. there was no doubt about it. the worst part of this all was the fact that you had to tell trevor.

oh trevor…

you slowly stand up from the floor and set the stick down. you open the bathroom door to see your roommate kayla staring ar you with worry in her tired eyes.

“hey babe what’s going on,” she quietly asks with a hoarse voice from sleeping.

you sniffle before hugging her. “i’m pregnant,” you sob breaking down once again. she gasps and pulls you back.

“y/n, what?” she looks up with wide eyes. you bite your lip nervously handing her the pregnancy test. she looks down at it and sucks in a breath. “it’s trevor’s?” she questions.

you had told her about your little sex adventures with your hometown best friend, not even thinking about the consequences of having raw sex. raw sex with your best friend. raw sex with someone you’re going to lose… your heart breaks at the idea of telling trevor. you don’t even want to tell anyone. you felt trapped and scared.

“he’s.going. to hate me,” you sob in broken sentences. the pounding in your head gets louder the more you cry.

kayla grabs your hands and holds them tightly. she looks into your eyes and tells you a story about her mom. you knew from over the summer and talking to her that her mother was 17 when she had her first child. things weren’t easy but she did it.

“you are so strong, trevor is a good guy,” she smiles softly holding your jaw lovingly. “he’s still your best friend, just talk to him,”

little did she know that the friend ship sailed away months ago after you started hooking up.

—

y/n

can we meet for lunch?

trev <3

yeah ofc meet me at frankie’s?

y/n

yeah 11:45 don’t be late

trev <;3

yes ma’am 🫡

—

you chew your nails waiting for trevor at the cafe near campus. you look out the window and see trevor walking towards the building. he was dressed in sweats and a hoodie. god he looked so good.

trevor makes his way inside and looks for you. he smiles when he sees you sitting there. you try to cover up the fact that you’re nervous as fuck. he makes it to the table and sits down across from you smiling.

“hey cutie,” he says fixing his beanie.

“hi,” you say quickly avoiding eye contact with him.

he frowns looking at you with confusion. you were never this quiet. sure you were not as loud as trevor. no one was. but you were chatty around people who made you happy. this was odd. this wasn’t you.

“y/n what’s wrong,” he frowns deeper heart beating out of his chest. were you mad at him? was he in trouble?

you sigh feeling the tears starting to well in your eyes. you shakily breathe in and out before looking him in the eyes. “i’m going to tell you something z, you have to promise you won’t get mad,” you say holding back tears.

“yeah, yeah. of course. what’s going on?”

trevor feels sick. what could she possibly have to say. the first thing he thinks of is that you have a boyfriend and you have to stop fucking. that thought quickly brought a sour taste to his mouth. he felt a huge tang of jealousy hit his chest. no other man should have their hands on you. you were his.

you slowly lift up your purse pulling out the three tests setting them on the table. he sucks in a breath, eyes wide looking at the blue and white device on the table.

“are these…” he whispers lifting one up to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. you bite the inside of your cheek nervous.

“yeah, they’re m-mine,” you whisper holding back sobs.

he feels his heart swell up with something. happiness? pride? love? he couldn’t pin point it. this was news that he never thought he’d hear, but he wasn’t one bit mad about it.

“please say something,”

“baby this.. this is crazy,” he smiles looking at you.

“what..?” you breathe a shaky teary laugh.

trevor gets up and moves into the booth with you. he grabs you and pulls you into him kissing your head a million times.

“we can do this. no, we will do this.”

april 2020

you make your way through the halls of yours and trevor’s shared apartment. waddling your way through the days. as covid 19 was taking the world by storm you and trevor have had nothing but one on one time. talking, singing, rapping, reading, you name it. anything to your belly. after 3 months into your pregnancy trevor took you out on a real date and asked you to be his official girlfriend.

your parents were not thrilled with the news. they called you all kinds of names and made you feel extremely small and stupid. they told you that if you dropped out of school they’d disown you. they even went on to say that they don’t know if they can be in your life if you choose to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption. you have cried and cried about your parents not being excepting. you worried day and night about them. heart broken at the fact they didn’t want anything to do with you.

julie and gary have been nothing but loving and supportive. they were scared at first. worried how this would affect trevor’s future. but after getting drafted they no longer worried. they knew their son could take care of you. he was a good man, he takes care of his siblings in ways that made you feel safe knowing he was going to be the father of your child.

your pregnancy was fairly easy you had little trouble. you dealt with little morning sickness and even went to the gym with trevor as often as you could.

july 21, 2020, dylan mae zegras arrives.

8lbs 3oz, 23 inches long. a perfect baby girl. she came quick and dramaticly.

you were watching tv in the living room waiting for trevor to get home. you were slowly packing things up for the big move to anaheim. you felt wettness pool in your pants. you groan thinking it was probably sweat from being 9 months pregnant and sitting with a heated blanket. you stand up slowly feeling a contraction hit you like a truck.

“no, no, no,” you cry holding your belly. “this can’t be happening,” you cry out walking towards the kitchen. you unlock your phone and call trevor. he was at weight training and wouldn’t be home for another hour.

“hello,” you hear him on the other line. just as you were about to speak another contraction hits, harder. “baby are you okay?”

you whimper out a “it’s happening,”

#trevor zegras #trevor zegras woc!fem!reader #trevor zegras x reader #anaheim ducks #mighty ducks #nhl imagine #nhl fic #trevor zegras fanfic #trevorjamie #jamie drysdale #max jones #nhl #nhl hockey #nhl fanfiction #nhl x reader #dad!au #dad! trevor zegras #trevor zegras x y/n

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thegayneapigs · 3 months

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Hi again! I was wondering if you could help me another time 😂 I've had my two guinea pigs for about 6 months now, and I watched this video on YouTube of the LA Guinea Pig Rescue where they said to bathe your guinea pigs at least every 4 months. I'm a little afraid that they might get sick or have a heart attack. The bigger of them, Abel, is a tad dramatic and Cain is a bit smaller in size. I have the materials to bathe them, it's just now the time to decide if I should. I've heard mixed opinions, and I was wondering what yours is.

Thank you!!!

We've been inactive for a bit on tumblr so this is probably a suuuuuuper late reply. So sorry! Hopefully it can help other piggie parents.

Bathing is such a controversial thing in the guinea pig-verse. At the end of the day, I would trust your instinct and talk with an exotic vet about your specific piggies. That being said, here's what we do.

We only bathe our piggies if we have a reason to. We don't personally feel like any more is necessary; they generally keep themselves fairly well-groomed. In the past when we have bathed them, it's come down to these reasons:

1) They stink. We have one boy (Leo) who is extremely greasy. It builds up in his fur and he starts to smell bad, and honestly it's just gross to pet him. I bathe him about once or twice a year, whenever I feel like he needs it. I mostly just wash his underside and butt area, where the grease and grime tend to accumulate. We use very gentle scent-free baby soap.

2) Moral support. When Leo's brother was alive we used to give him a mini bath too with Leo. We always found Leo was calmer and more well-behaved with a friend. Lynx didn't need it, but Leo appreciated the company.

3) Diarrhea. Kind of self-explanatory. We've had a couple sick pigs who have made a HUGE mess, and in that case we would just give them a butt bath and clean wherever was dirty.

4) Ringworm. We have a boy (Io) who had it a lot when he was young. We found that in addition to the anti-fungal cream, a bath with miconazole shampoo was very effective.

A few tips; just make sure the water is a good temp, you use very gentle soap, dry them off well, and don't get water in their eyes/nose/ears.

Also, we used to have a Silkie, and we would blow dry his hair on a low/cool setting.

I would also recommend to be mindful about where you bathe them - after a few years of trial and error, we use a shallow pan of water in the kitchen sink, and a cup to rinse them off with. (When Leo was very young, he jumped clear over the side of our bathtub. Sara just barely caught him midair. No more bathtubs for us lol.) Make sure the environment is calm and quiet, and use a soothing voice. The calmer you are, the better.

#answered #bath time #guinea pigs #question #petblr

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the-art-of-claude · 1 year

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"I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancing. Walking around on those.. What do you call them? Oh, feet!"

Long time no see my friends :o I'm so sorry I was inactive for so long but I've been sick since late November and was physically not able to paint or to do anything useful really. I'm still not fully back to health but I'm finally able to slowly, very slowly get back into doing things - it's still very exhausting though.

Anyways, I hope you'll be patient with me as I still have to be very patient myself. But wait! We actually have to celebrate something this year :3 I'm gonna tell you all about that in my next post, so stay tuned :)

This Ariel doll is inspired by the amazing figurine by Steven Thompson that was released recently. I wanted to try and capture that look of longing and determination in the doll. Hope you like her :3 . repainted with high pigmented artist acrylic paints // hair partly rerooted & restyled // before doll: 2022 Shop Disney 12" Deluxe Set Ariel doll // clothes: Designer Ariel doll fin (waist fins added) + Simba Ariel doll seashell bra (repainted)

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kaitycole · 2 years

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Personal Update:

Hey hi! Sorry I’ve been inactive lately.

I’m now 31 wks (and 3 days) pregnant and thoroughly exhausted - just walking down the stairs and hall to the living room has me out of breath. Not to mention on top of all the pregnancy stuff going on, my Pop (mom’s dad) is very sick and we are close so it’s been pretty hard for me as well.

I have been feeling super overwhelmed lately and can barely hold constant conversation so if anyone has reached out - I apologize for not responding.

Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk or maybe obtain some end of third trimester energy (since I never got this second trimester energy everyone talked about) soon but please know that I miss the communities I was part of and hope to be active in some form soon.

If anyone’s interested: I’ve recently been on Twitter more often, mostly just reblogs of fanart and various likes but I have tried my hand at posting threads 😅 feel free to follow me there - @/kayydeebug

#personal update #blog update

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avnkin · 4 years

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Not What It Seems ( d.m )

Summary: Draco starts spreading rumours about you and you demand to know why.

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x fem!reader

Word Count: 2k ish

Warnings: angst and draco being mean

Author’s Note: here’s my first draco fic!!! i’m currently working on 4 others, one series, two requests and a one shot that i’m 8k words deep into,, please continue sending in requests i love hearing your ideas and writing them out!<3 PSA I wrote this in like an hour so it’s not my best work lmao I just wanted to post something since i’ve been so inactive (not my gif)

You and Draco had always had a sort of rivalry going on between the two of you. Everyday in class he’d throw a snide comment directed your way which you’d send right back with a remark of your own.

Everyone had gotten used it by now the teachers hardly bothering to intervene whenever you two were having one of your ‘arguments’ in class.

It had been a monday when the rumours had started. You’d been walking to your charms class when you noticed the abnormally large crowd of Slytherin girls stop and stare when you walked past, whispering in each other’s ears while they not so subtly pointed at you.

You’d thought nothing of it since most of those girls hated you and made damn sure you knew it so that wasn’t anything new, but the stares and giggles had continued on for the rest of the day and not just from the Slytherin’s but the other houses as well, what the hell was going on?

When you’d finally made it to your last class of the day you’d grown fairly sick of it. Hermione had taken a seat next you which was when you knew something was definitely up since she always sat next to Ron and you to Harry.

She’d given you a worried glance which you’d returned with one of confusion.

“Why is everyone acting so weird?” you finally asked noticing the lingering stares from your fellow classmates who quickly looked away whenever you made eye contact.

“I was actually coming to see if you knew” Hermione had hesitantly replied, shuffling uncomfortably in her seat.

“Knew? knew what” you inquired feeling the tiniest hint of nerves as you watched Hermione bite down on her, lip carefully contemplating her next words.

“There’s been this rumour... about you” Hermione cautioned, it was obvious she didn’t feel comfortable telling you this but you didn’t care continuing to press on her.

“What rumour?”

“Well it’s just people have been saying that you’ve been- uh sleeping around” she spoke the last part of her sentence quietly as she looked down onto her lap “please don’t think I’m judging you, I would never do that what you do in your own time is entirely your business and no one else’s, it’s just to bad nobody at this school seems to be familiar with the word privacy- but anyways, I just wanted you to hear it from me rather then anybody else”

Your eyes widened at her words and you suddenly became very aware of the students that we’re still staring now knowing what they were thinking made it ten times worse.

“What? why would anyone think that” your voice wavered even though you felt like you knew exactly who had started the rumour, Malfoy.

He’d seen you with a fellow Slytherin boy the other night, you knew that because you’d made very awkward eye contact with the platinum blond once you’d entered they boys dormitories.

It hadn’t been anything like everyone seemed to think, but you couldn’t go telling people that you were sneaking around with a boy who was helping you cheat on your tests.

You hadn’t been doing well in school so you saw no harm in paying someone off to do your homework or work on spells that would enable him to talk to you during tests and tell you the answers. Your family was wealthy which was why you knew they wouldn’t question the missing money.

You figured that Draco had been watching you whenever you’d sneak into the Slytherin common room but decided to keep it to himself until today apparently.

When he walked into the classroom accompanied by his usual entourage, you gave him the deadliest stare you could muster which he only replied too with a wink.

It infuriated you that he’d been spreading such lies about you, who did he think he was? Even if you had been sleeping with the boy it wasn’t his or anyone else’s damn business.

Since the teacher had yet to arrive you angrily stood up stomping towards Draco, wanting to get more than a few things off of your chest.

When you finally stood in front of his desk you slammed both your hands down on the wooden surface causing him to turn towards you leaning back in his chair his signature smirk resting on his lips.

“Anything I can help you with Y/L/N” his voice was smooth, as if he didn’t have a care in the world, asshole.

“You can stop telling lies about me for starters” you chided, rolling your eyes once you heard the ‘oh’s’ from around you, clearly you’d caught the attention of the rest of the class.

“They’re not lies and you know it” he challenged now sitting up fully in his chair.

“Yes they are and why do you even care Malfoy? Are you jealous” that sentence seemed to throw him off as he uncomfortably shifted in his chair his body language changing in mere seconds.

That’s when you realized you’d hit a soft spot, smirking before continuing “oh I get it, that’s it, you’re in love with me aren’t you” you teasingly pouted leaning forward on his desk to rest your chin in your palm smiling innocently up at him.

A bright pink tint appeared on his cheeks as he took in a deep breath giving you a warning glare which you ignored even though you knew you were skating on thin ice.

“Poor Malfoy can’t even get the girl he likes”

That’s when he seemed to snap, quickly getting up pushing the chair from behind him causing it to almost fall to the floor but Zabini’s arm had caught it just in time.

He placed his fingers on the desk in front of him, all embarrassment seeming to fade off of him as he looked you up and down, his signature smirk now back on his lips.

“Believe me Y/L/N, I don’t want you and neither does anyone else so any guy who says he’s interested in you beyond just fucking you is full of shit”

You’d been expecting him to say a lot of things but not that. You stood frozen for a couple of seconds, this was probably the first time you couldn’t come up with anything to say.

His words had cut deep and the chortles from the students around you weren’t helping at all. You felt tears beginning to brim in the corner of your eyes but you didn’t dare let them fall, you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt so you just shook your head before heading straight for the exit of the classroom.

“That was a low blow Malfoy, even for you” Hermione glared at him before hurriedly standing up and following you out into the hallway.

Draco didn’t melt into the cheers and laughter of his friends like he usually did, instead he sunk into his seat ignoring everyone around him.

He knew what he’d said wasn’t true but he’d been so blinded by jealousy when he saw you enter another boys dormitory that he’d gone to Blaise and told him that he wouldn’t be surprised if you would have gone through the entire Slytherin house by the end of the term.

He truly didn’t know why he did it and a sudden guilt creeped onto him as flashes off your hurt face lingered in his mind.

Tears were now fully falling down your cheeks, you felt embarrassed and humiliated, he’d given all the students yet another thing to gossip about without a care in the world.

“Y/N!” Hermione’s voice sounded from behind you causing to you quickly stop and turn around gladly accepting the comforting hug she engulfed you in as soon as she reached you.

“He’s full of shit Y/N don’t you dare let someone like him be the cause of your tears. You are so much more than his stupid comments believe me” you nodded letting her wipe away your tears.

You stayed out in the hallway for a couple more minutes but when you saw professor Snape walking past you, you didn’t feel like getting yelled at for being late as well so you and Hermione quickly followed after him.

As soon as you walked into the classroom all eyes were on you but you ignored them keeping your head held high as you walked back to your seat not daring to look over at Draco.

After class had finished you felt much better having spent your time with ‘the golden trio’ letting them cheer you up, your embarrassment long forgotten as the four of you made your way into the Great Hall for dinner.

You’d been walking behind them having been to caught up in your own thoughts when you felt a hand wrap around your wrist pulling you into an empty corner of the hallway along with them.

You let out a yelp as you were pressed against a wall a hand coming up to cover your mouth. You quickly looked up at your assailant only to be met with a pair of grey eyes you weren’t expecting to see, Draco.

“Calm down it’s just me”

You immediately pushed him off of you “Is that supposed to make feel better? God you’re such an arse” you scoffed attempting to walk away from him but he grabbed your arm again pulling you back in front of him.

“Y/N please hear me out” he pleaded, the mention of your first name startling you a bit, not once in all your years at Hogwarts had he called you Y/N.

“Y/N huh, that’s new” you folded your arms over your chest glaring up at him.

He ignored your words as he fiddled with his fingers clearly trying to think of an apology good enough for what he had said earlier.

“Shit, Y/N- I mean Y/L/N, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have said that it was stupid, I-I hope you know I don’t actually think that, It’s just when I saw you with him I got so mad, I don’t know why I-I didn’t mean it-“

“You didn’t mean it? Well that sure as hell didn’t stop you from saying it in front of the entire bloody class” you cut him off now resting your hand on your hip.

“I know, I- I don’t know what to say except that I’m really sorry” he shook his head before he turned to walk away from you, but just as he was about to round the corner you called out after him.

“I’m sorry for what I said as well”

He stopped dead in his tracks before slowly making his way back to stand in front of you, you were now very much aware of how close the two of you were and you almost invontarily backed into the stone wall causing him to take another step towards you.

“Well you weren’t exactly wrong”

“Oh so you were jealous” you teased looking up at the platnium blond who already had his eyes glued on you a small smile resting on his lips

Instead of answering he surged forward pressing you even harder into the wall, his hands wrapping around your waist as his lips connected with yours.

Your eyes widened at his actions as you stood frozen against him which he seemed to notice after a couple of seconds quickly pushing himself off of you.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-” you cut him off by wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him down to meet your lips again.

He hungrily kissed you back his arms wrapping around your torso before travelling down to your hips pulling you even more into him.

“What on earth is going on here” professor McGonagall’s voice suddenly sounded from beside you causing the two of you to quickly jump away from each other.

“Oh- uhm sorry professor we were just- uhm” you tried to come up with an excuse turning your head towards Draco hoping he would help but he just stood frozen like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Detention, both of you for the next two weeks”

#draco malfoy one shot #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy fluff #draco malfoy angst #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy #harry potter imagine #harry potter #tom felton imagine #tom felton

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theimmaterialplace · 3 years

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holding on | emily prentiss x reader & spencer reid x reader | ch. 1: prologue

Summary: Emily is an easy person to love, even if you shouldn't. This becomes apparent when she leaves you after two years of hiding your relationship, if you could call it that, with just a text. It's not long after that you are alerted with news of her death and you break down completely. Confiding in Spencer, the one to introduce the two of you, seemed like a good idea at the time but it becomes something more. You slowly begin to heal and then one day you see her, alive and well, and every feeling you have for her comes back to you. You're met with both your present and your past and you don't know what to do.

Contains: female!reader, bisexual!reader, friends with benefits/ hidden relationships, mentions of death, angst, hurt/comfort

Word Count: 2k

A.N: I like making things complicated and messy so here we are! I hope you enjoy whatever the hell this is! Also, this is first time writing for cm so sorry if the characterization is off; we’ll get there eventually!

masterlist | read on ao3

I want to be the power ballad that lifts you up and hold you down

I wanna be the broken love song that feeds your misery

And I can wish all I want, but it won't bring us together

Plus I know whatever happens to me

I know it's for the better

- Phoebe Bridgers, "Waiting Room"

It’s not uncommon for you to wait on Emily but even this is a new level of tardiness you’ve never encountered with her. She’s nothing if not kind and always alerts you when she’s on a new case or has to reschedule. It worries you to say the least.

You really shouldn’t care this much for her but mistakes are supposed to be made. It’s just that you can’t even begin to consider Emily a mistake but if she is one, she’s the best mistake you’ve ever made.

Sometimes, you think she looks at you with something akin to adoration in her eyes and it takes every bit of your control not to look at her with that same exact look. She’s a profiler, after all, and you’re typically one to wear your heart on your sleeve but she made herself very clear in the beginning.

Your agreement was simply just a friends with benefits situation, no feelings involved. That lasted for a while, truly. You had managed a little over a year with her before you realized that the feeling in your stomach was the fluttering of butterflies. It had frightened you but you decided that she was worth it, even if the decision might come back to haunt you.

Twirling the wine of glass in your hand, you contemplate calling her but decide against it because you don’t want to seem desperate. It may be an accurate description but you weren’t going to show that. Ignoring the waiter who’s been shooting you knowing looks for the past hour, you decide just to leave. You call the waiter over and ask for the check. He just nods at your words; his eyes filled with pity and it pisses you off more than anything,

It’s not that you care that you got stood up because you understand that her work is demanding. It’s more that you’re worried for her because she’s been inactive and short in her recent messages. You hadn’t received a good morning or good night text in days. It makes you wonder if she’s finally gotten sick of you. You’d like to believe that she would at least grace you with a text informing you of this decision but you’re not the best at predicting her.

Emily is a very closed off person and you respect that, you do. It’s just sometimes you wish she didn’t compartmentalize every part of her life into tiny, separate boxes. She likes to pretend that you and Spencer aren’t friends, even though it’s how you were originally met. She tells you that no one needs to know and at the beginning, you were okay with this but lying to Spencer is something you wish you didn’t have to do.

You have to pretend not to know every little bit of Emily she shares with you that she also shares with her team and try not to focus on every little detail he shares about her that you don’t already know. You feel a bit guilty but you figure that she wouldn’t really mind. The only thing that would make her annoyed, never mad because she says anger is useless, is if you mixed her personal life with her work life. You understand to a degree but you also wish that you didn’t have to hide.

Clearly, you were too far gone for her. You always had to take a step back and remember that you weren’t in a relationship with her. If only she didn’t make it so easy to love her. When this ended, you were going to end up heartbroken and that was okay with you. You had accepted that a long time ago but now that you’re actually faced with the inevitable, it scares you.

Emily Prentiss was not the first woman you were with but she’ll be the one to always haunt you. She’s shaped you into the person you are today without even knowing it. You’ll never regret your decision to be with her but you’ll always be left with the “what ifs”.

Lost in your thoughts, you don’t notice the man who sits across from you and it’s only until he coughs that he brings you back to reality.

He’s handsome in a rugged sort of way. If you weren’t so enamored with Emily, he surely would have fired something in you but as it is, she is the only one able to cause a spark in you.

“Hi, I saw you here and couldn’t help but notice how you’re alone. Such a shame since you seem like such a catch.” His voice fits him well and he has a nice smile despite its crookedness.

“Ah, my date couldn’t make it. I guess he got busy with work or something. It happens to the best of us.” His eyes narrow the slightest bit at use of “he” and you wonder why. He’s the one hitting on you, after all. It’s gone as soon as it comes and he’s back to those kind eyes.

“Oh, he’s one of those. Well, I know when I’m unwanted when I hear it. Have a lovely night…” He shoots you one last smile and gets up and leaves the restaurant. The waiter shows up and you pay immediately and get into your car as soon as you can.

It’s only when you arrive at home do you see it. You have one new message from Emily and it brings a smile to your face until you see the contents.

Emily <3

I think it’s time we called it quits.

Don’t contact me anymore.

Goodbye.

At first, you feel nothing. You reread it and reread it until it’s practically ingrained into your vision. You knew it was coming but seeing it actually made it real and before you know it, you’re crying.

You feel like a fool because you’ve known that this was just a casual thing for her. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept. Perhaps what hurts the most is her demand to not contact her anymore. You would have been fine, loving her at a distance but remaining friends. Emily cutting you off completely had never been a possibility in your mind. It almost makes you want to laugh though because although you’d never thought of it, it’s such an Emily thing to do. You just never thought it’d be something to happen to you.

A fool, you might be, but better to have loved than to have not. It’s like you had thought earlier, Emily would never leave you, even if she had in person. There would always be reminders of her in your life; in the interior design of your home, in the music you listened to, in the movies and books you had shared together, and in the hidden, ignored corners of your heart.

It hurt. God, did her short messages pain you but you’d seen it coming. You had time to accept it but that did nothing to quell the tears that fell down your face or the sobs that wracked your body.

You cry yourself to sleep, still in the dress she bought you, the one she said you looked your best in and always brought out her coyness to the fullest.

When you wake up, you’re thankful it’s a Saturday because you can’t imagine facing anyone today. The most you want to do is get drunk on every bottle of wine you own, which is quite a few. You hope it’ll be enough to keep your mind off of Emily.

You go to the bathroom and you can’t help but wince at the image you make. Your makeup has run all over your face and you look like la llorona with the mascara and eyeliner running down your cheeks. Your lipstick is smeared beyond comprehension and overall, you look like a mess, not even a hot one at that.

You look like the stereotypical girl who has just gotten heartbroken and so you scrub it all off until your skin is clear of the previous night’s emotions. You change into something comfortable, throwing the dress into the hamper rather than the trash because you can’t bear the thought of throwing away things from her. Maybe it’d be the smart thing to do but you can’t.

You’re in a sort of limbo and you’re unsure of where to go from here. You’ve accidentally built up your life around her and now that she’s gone, you’re left with nothing but yourself.

It’s only a week later that Spencer shows up to your place, looking worse for wear. He looks like you did on that day when Emily broke up with you but worse. His eyes are bloodshot and his nose is bright red against his pale complexion.

“Um, could I come in?” His voice cracks and he only shrinks further into himself and you nod at him, opening the door to accompany his skinny frame.

You guide him to your couch and place the cup of tea you had made for yourself into his hands since it seemed like they needed something in them with all the twitching they were doing.

You sit in silence, knowing that whatever he had to say would eventually come out.

His tea has stopped steaming when he finally speaks up. “Today, my colleague was taken by the person she had been chasing after. We found her and apprehended the person she had been chasing but… But we were too late. By the time we had gotten there, she was already wounded and she was pronounced dead two hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty seven seconds ago. She’s dead and I never got to say goodbye.” With his proclamation, his tears begin again and you take the cup from his hands.

“May I hug you, Spencer?” He nods and that’s all it takes for you to take him into your arms. He sobs into the crook of your neck. It’s hard to connect the image of the nerd you know and care for to the man who’s breaking down in your arms. You rub soothing circles on his back and try to keep up with his words but they’re too quiet and unintelligible to your ears.

The both of you sit there like that for a while. It could have been five minutes or an hour but you can’t tell and you bet he can’t either.

When he finally runs out of tears, he whispers something so quietly that you think you’ve misheard him.

“I never got to say goodbye to Emily.”

Emily . She’s his colleague. He had said she in his retelling of the events. It takes your breath away and you have to stop the tears from coming on because you’re not supposed to care for her, not like this. Not in front of anybody, especially not Spencer.

She’s dead. Emily is dead. It’s a truth you don’t want to accept. It makes you glad that Spencer is still hidden in your neck because you’re sure your face can only show the agony you feel over such a reveal.

Your worst nightmare has come true, it seems. You don’t want this. Anything but her leaving you permanently. She can’t be dead, not the woman who’s changed you so irrevocably and made you feel like life was worth living.

You could accept loving her in quiet, away from her, but not at the cost of her death. You can’t deal with this, not when Spencer needs you so push it away. You shove the pain and agony down until you’re numb.

You’re supposed to be nothing but an acquaintance to her. She hadn’t even loved you. You shouldn’t feel like your heart has been ripped violently from your body and that your soul will always have an Emily sized hole left in the wake of her death.

You focus on Spencer so that you don’t break down and you’re grateful that he doesn’t notice your little episode. You can’t confront this in front of anybody. It’s better to deal with your grief in private, just like everything else you did with Emily. It made sense for the last thing you’ll ever do for her to stay quiet and watch from afar.

#emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x female reader #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #emily prentiss fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #my writing #holding on

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theoreticslut · 3 years

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“What better way to show you that we’re here for you?”

part 1 / part 2 / part 3

pairing: fred weasley x reader x george weasley

requested: no

word count: 3.4k

warnings: depression!! & some mentions of anxiety, cheating, insecurities; ANGST (sorry!)

A/N: Ughhhh; let me start this by saying there is definitely going to be more to this, i’m just still not sure how much exactly. I normally try to have series like this written out long in advance so I have a more concrete idea and schedule for it, but it’s obviously not happening for this one. I still love this one tremendously so I’m excited to see how it goes, but man I’m breaking my own heart writing it. Anyways, I do apologize for being kinda inactive on here the last week or two. I’ve been stressing out a lot over school and just the holidays, but I’m trying to get things up for you <3 I have a few things written, but it’s just a matter of editing them and then getting them formatted on here and I’ve just been so tired lately. So i apologize & I am trying to get things out here. I have a request or two that I’m working on which I will hopefully have up this week so please just bear with me. Also, reminder!! Please feel free to check out my sleepover event that I’ll be keeping open for another week or so as well as my holiday prompt list for requests!! I love you all and hope you enjoy this part of the story!! Xx

Taglist: @justmesadgirl @xuckduck @yikesyikesyikes95 @filipi-yes @aestheticwh0r3 @whoreforlangdons @matsuno-nadeshiko @msmarklee1213 @immajustreadwritereblog @msmimimerton @lauren2408 @mischievous-queen @bunnyboo7 @grandeoptimist @kaitlynw011 @daddystevee @slytherinxhunter @streetfighterrichie @softlyqoos @sarcasticallywitty15 @isthereanymorejello

^let me know if you’d like to be added/removed! Xx

“Y/n? Are you awake?” You hear hermione ask cautiously, the door creaking slightly as she comes inside your shared dorm room.

You’re not sure what time it is, but it doesn’t really matter right at the moment. All you know is that it’s finally Saturday again and that you didn’t want to get out of bed regardless of whatever time it is.

This past week has been exhausting and you just wanted to sleep it off. You didn’t want to socialize with anyone, you didn’t want to stress about homework, and you certainly didn’t want to move from your current spot.

“I don’t want to be.” You grumble, pulling your blankets up tighter around your head so you were completely buried from your neck down.

“Y/n, you need to come down and eat. You barely eat anything that Harry, Ron, or I bring up for you. We’re worried.”

“Don’t have to be, ‘mione. I’ve dragged myself to the kitchen a few times. I’m not dying.”

You hear her sigh as the side of your bed dips down. You’ve been like this for nearly two weeks now. Ever since the twins told you that they loved you and you said that they couldn’t.

Hermione had you tell her all about it after she saw Fred storm down the stairs from your guys’ dormitory up to his and George’s, George following after him worriedly a couple minutes later, then finding you crying your eyes out alone up here.

She knew that you loved the two redheads, but she could also completely understand you being wary of their words given your guys’ past on top of how tragically your last relationship ended.

She has been giving you time because she knows you need it, but three weeks is concerning without even considering that you’re barely eating and sleeping. Not to mention that you literally drag yourself to your classes as if you’re bound in weighted shackles.

“Maybe not right at this minute, but if you don’t start taking care of yourself you will be.” She states, looking over at you.

She hates seeing you so broken. Sure you were hurt after finding Will cheating on you and the whole smoke-bomb-under-your-fork thing with the twins, but this is far worse. You honestly look like a ghost of a person and it’s terrifying.

“I’m just...not hungry, ‘mione. You’re not going to force me to eat if I can’t, are you?”

“Y/n, I know you’re hurting, but you’re hurting the rest of us as well by not taking care of yourself.” Hermione starts, looking over at you.

“Harry and Ron, they don’t show it well, but they’re worried about you. Those two boys. They’re worried. About you. They hardly ever worry.”

“Not to mention how worried I am. You look as if your soul has been sucked from your body, which is saying something because even with Will you didn’t look this terrible.”

“And I don’t even need to point out how worried McGonagall is. She’s constantly asking whether you’re okay or not, both to you and the rest of us.”

“And I know it probably doesn’t seem it, but Fred and George? They’re worried too, y/n. They’re always watching you during classes to see if you’re okay and they both look for you at meals. I honestly think they’re starting to go crazy since you haven’t been down to any meals lately.”

“You have so many people worried, y/n. So many people that care.” Hermione finishes, watching as you take in a shuddering breath.

You don’t like worrying people or upsetting them, but you just can’t keep pushing. You feel as if every breath is a chore and that your chest is hollow; it feels as if your heart has just got up and left, only leaving behind an aching hole.

You thought that you would be okay, you went to classes the day after their confession, but you couldn’t handle the way the twins were looking at you. Fred looked so angry and took it out by flirting with any other girl he could, but you could see through the anger to all the hurt that you caused. You hated knowing you hurt him so bad that he had to let it out as anger, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything about it. You were much too confused of your own feelings to even consider comforting anyone else.

George on the other hand just looked so torn. He looked hurt, sure, but he seemed to be showing more worry for you than anything. It’s as if he doesn’t care what he’s feeling at all and it bothered you. You knew your words had hurt him and yet he just doesn’t seem to care. He still wants nothing more than to be there for you and it was just too confusing. You couldn’t understand how he still wanted to be there for you when you had essentially told him he didn’t know what he was feeling.

The following day wasn’t any better nor the day after that. They kept giving you the same looks, if they’d even look at you. George seemed to never look away from you when you were around whereas Fred tried everything in his power to not have to look at you.

On top of that, they wouldn’t talk to you, but you knew they were talking about you. And then you just kept seeing them everywhere. It was as if you became hyperaware of their presence which you very much did not want to happen.

You let out a choked sob as everything hits you again and hermione frowns, wrapping her arms around you. She wanted to take all of this pain away, but she really had no idea how. She always had a solution and yet she didn’t have one to this.

“I don’t like this, ‘mione. I don’t like any of it.” You sob, the hole in your chest aching.

~.~

Hermione finally got you calmed down enough to where you could breathe and convinced you to come down for breakfast, promising that as soon as she was happy she would do whatever you wanted, whether that be go to library, go for a walk, or just hang out in the common room.

“Everyone’s going to stare at me, ‘mione. I don’t want them to stare.” You sigh, feeling jittery as your nerves begin acting up.

“Take a breath, y/n. Just walk along beside me and no one will stare.”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm your anxiety, but it doesn’t do much. You still feel like you’re going to be sick.

As soon as you walk through the doors to the great hall, you snap your head down. You don’t want to look at anyone and you don’t want them looking at you. You figure the best way to make that happen is just look away from it all.

Unfortunately, you glance up just as your passing by the spot where Fred and George sit when they aren’t with you guys. If you could go back just those few seconds to not have to see the looks on their faces, you would do so without a second thought.

Fred was surprised to see you, his worry for you showing through only momentarily before he’s smiling at some girl beside him. George, however, was a mix of relief, complete worry, and total devastation. Looking at the two of them made your stomach flip and your heart sink.

“Breathe, y/n.” Hermione reminds you and you nod looking over at her as you try not to be sick.

“Y/n!” Ron smiles as you and hermione sit down.

“Hey, Ron. Harry.” You greet as the two light up at your presence.

“How are you feeling?” Harry asks, concern written in his facial features.

“Like I’m going to be sick, honestly. I don’t know how hermione talked me into coming down here.”

He smiles sadly at you, knowing how much pain you’re in and wishing there was something - anything - he could do.

“Well, grab something. It doesn’t have to be a lot, y/n, but you need to eat.” Hermione urges and you nod, taking a single pancake and a few pieces of bacon. You doubt you’ll even be able to eat that, but you’d at least try.

Just as you go to take your first bite, now realizing how hungry you truly are by the way your stomach cramps, George takes a seat next to you, facing you.

“Y/n-“

“George, now really isn’t a good time.” Hermione states, frowning at the redhead.

“I just, I need to-“

“She needs to eat. It’d be better if the reason she hasn’t been eating wasn’t sitting right beside her.”

“I know, I just-“

“Bloody hell, George. Just leave y/n alone for godricks sake! I can’t stand to see my friend hurt anymore because of you and Fred.” Ron snaps, glaring at his older brother.

“Ron,” Harry warns.

You bite your lip at his outburst. On one hand it’s nice to know that he care so deeply for you, but on the other it made you even more anxious. You didn’t like when people fought.

“That’s not fair, Ron. You know how I feel about her. I just need to see how she is.” George frowns, hurt by his younger brother’s words.

You curl up into yourself, wishing to Merlin you could just disapparate from here and right now. You didn’t want people fighting over you, especially if it was Ron with his brothers.

“Please stop.” You choke out, your voice barely above a whisper. You didn’t want to handle any of this.

“I’m sorry, y/n.” Hermione frowns, having only convinced you to come here so you could eat and she would know. She never wanted to give you more to deal with.

“Not your fault, ‘mione.” You say, trying to give her a small smile, but it was harder than you remember.

“Sorry, y/n.” Ron mumbles sincerely yet still glaring at his brother beside you.

“It’s fine.” You whisper, staring at your plate of uneaten food.

“Are you really not going to eat?” You hear George ask as he watches you stare at your plate, gently pushing the food around after a few seconds.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Bollocks, y/n. I haven’t seen you down here in two weeks and I know for a fact you don’t come down to the kitchens nearly enough to make up for skipping meals. You’re not going to starve yourself.” He states firmly, but not in anger.

“I’m not.”

“Please just eat. Godrick, y/n, I can’t stand watching you not take care of yourself.”

“I can’t, George.” You nearly whisper, trying desperately not to let your tears fall.

Sure it sounds like you’re telling him that you just can’t eat, but there’s so much more meaning behind it and you know that he understands it. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t stop crying, you can’t stop hurting, you can’t figure out how to stop worrying everyone. You just can’t do anything anymore.

You loved Fred and George so much, you knew it just as much as hermione did, and she was aware of it long before you were. You loved the two of them more than anything, but even though you wanted to believe them saying they loved you, your heart and your mind were holding you back.

Your heart still hurt so much from what Will had done. It’s not even just the cheating anymore, but everything during the relationship as well. He’d tell you he loves you but would never hold you. He’d tell you that you meant the world to him, yet he very rarely kissed you. He was telling you everything he should, but he wasn’t doing anything to back it up. You suppose your heart was just experiencing some trust issues, which in all honesty, no one could blame you for.

Then your head was telling you no. Not for any reason in particular, just no. It wouldn’t let you believe the twins had any sort of feelings for you other than as friend. No matter how much you tried to reason, your brain kept resisting. Some could argue it was your own insecurities telling you no, but in all reality you had no idea whatsoever.

From any angle you were trying to look at, you just couldn’t do anything. You truly felt like a puppet trapped inside its box. You had all this potential to do what was needed, but unless someone else forced you to do it you were useless.

“Hey. Hey, darling. Shh. No reason to cry. I know it’s all really hard and I am so so sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen. I’m not mad or upset at all. I’m just really worried about you. I care about you so much and I don’t want to see you hurting yourself.” George ushers, gently placing a hand on your back.

He hates seeing you so hurt, but he knows it’s not just because of him and Fred. He’s well aware that you’re still carrying a lot of hurt over Will, even if you don’t show it, not to mention your own insecurities that have had years to imbed themselves in your thoughts. You may have never said any of this out loud, but George knew what was hurting you.

He frowns, sadness completely taking over his features as he looks down at his twin who’s been watching this whole ordeal. He won’t admit it, but Fred has been hurting just as much. He loves you with his very being and would do literally anything for you, but it hurt when you said that he couldn’t love you. He didn’t realize, unlike George, how insecure and broken you were after Will and took your denial of his feelings personally.

He tries to hide the fact of how hurt he is, but George can see through him. In fact, he’s pretty sure most everyone can if they look close enough. He wishes he could take you into his arms and just hold you, tell you that everything is going to be alright, but he can’t let himself.

Watching you nearly break down crying over nothing really happening breaks his heart, however. He wants to walk right over there and pull you into his arms, giving you kisses all over your neck and face until you feel whole again. He wants to make you realize just how perfect you truly are. The only thing that’s stopping him is his pride, which George has already argued with him over.

“Everything hurts...so much.” You whimper, staring at your plate as tears fall down your cheeks.

“Darling...” George frowns, rubbing your back as he’s not sure if you’d let him pull you into a hug.

“I’m sorry. Y-you guys don’t need to see me like this. I’m being selfish, making you all uncomfortable.” You sniffle, wiping at your eyes.

You didn’t like to be the center of attention nor did you like being emotional in front of others. You always felt so weak and pathetic breaking down and you didn’t want anyone else to think that of you.

“It’s alright, y/n. We want to help you, but we don’t know how if you won’t tell us what’s wrong.” Harry speaks gently and you give him a small, grateful smile, your bottom lip quivering slightly at the onslaught of emotions building up inside you.

“Can you try eating a bit, sweetheart? Then we can take you back to the common room where you can let it all out.” George suggests and you shrug, wiping at your cheeks.

You really are hungry, but your just really not sure if you can eat anything. Looking at the food is turning your stomach.

“Y/n, just take one bite. Just to start with.” You hear hermione encourage you and you sigh, stabbing the bite you were about to take when George sat down and shoving it in your mouth.

You chew it slowly, your stomach clenching at the thought of food entering it and not sure if it’s going to accept or reject it.

“Swallow.” George instructs, watching as your face crunches up as you try to figure out which way your stomach is going to go.

He knows that if you just take it slow, eventually when you get enough in your stomach it’ll be fine; it’ll be happy. It’s just getting you to that point he has to worry about.

~.~

Eventually you eat enough to please everyone and they let you head back to the common room. Granted, they all had to come along, George holding you up as you walk because of how weak you feel.

You all sit on the couch; Ron and Harry sitting next to each other, you leaning up against George as he holds you, and hermione sitting next to you on the other side of George.

“You guys don’t have to do this, you know.” You mumble, not really sure how to feel about your friends just sitting here in silence with you.

“What better way to show you that we’re here for you?” Ron responds, smiling at you.

“Yeah, you don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it. All you have to know is that we’re here if you want to.” George agrees.

You smile slightly, your heart starting to feel something other than ache. How you got to be so lucky with these friends you weren’t sure. They were more than you could have ever asked for, but you really weren’t sure what you’d do without any one of them.

~.~

“How is she doing, Georgie?” You hear someone whisper in your half sleep.

You’re not sure quite how long ago it was, but you had fallen asleep laying there against George as your friends sat with you. As they promised, they weren’t trying to get you to talk, but just sat there so you knew you had them if needed.

It confused you as to how you were able to let George hold you and care for you so easily. You were sure you didn’t want either him or Fred around, but the second he was there you just gave in. Sure you had felt comfortable and safe with the two, but they were part of the reason you were hurting so bad. So why was it so easy to ignore that and let him comfort you?

“She’s in a lot of pain, Freddie. I can’t imagine for how long and I don’t know how long it’ll take her to start feeling better, but this wasn’t just some random outburst. I think she’s been holding a lot in and it finally just got to be too much.”

You sigh, turning slightly into the couch, trying to shut out the light and sound that had started to seep through. You were still so tired, all your sleepless nights finally catching up to you.

“I hate myself for making her hurt so much. I just, I really love her.” The first voice speaks, seeming to choke up at the end.

“I don’t think it’s us that upset her, Freddie. I get the feeling Will wasn’t as good to her as she pretends he was. Not to mention how much it messes with your head to be cheated on. On top of that, I get the feeling she has some pretty deep insecurities she hides real well normally.”

“I just want to help her. I want her to realize how much we love her and how amazing she is. Merlin, George.” The voice chuckles, sniffling a bit as if they were about to cry.

“I love you.” You mumble, not even realizing you’re saying it. All you know is that you need to. Your heart is finally starting to warm up and you know it’s because of the two redheads sitting here with you, even though you haven’t registered that’s who is with you. You know you love them and that they love you given the fact they’re both here with you, wanting to comfort you, even though you had said some pretty mean things to them.

Before you can register any of this, you’re fast asleep again, sighing contently as you unconsciously pull the blanket, that hermione had covered you with after a while, tighter around your shoulders.

The twins watch you happily. Confused, but happy. You have been through some pretty rough water, but maybe there is a chance for you three after all.

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bidonica · 3 years

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meet the blogger tag game

tagged by @balloonwhisk! sorry I saw this so late, my presence here is very inconsistent

1. how/why did you choose your url

It was one of the nicknames of my old cat and the first thing I thought of when I set up this tumblr on a whim a looong time ago. I never changed it

2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and explain why you have them

My only active sideblog is @bidonicart where I post my art (duh). I used to keep a studyblr called @trashbagstudyspo as an older, comeback uni student, and then there was a short lived experiment called @linguastraniera where I posted the most awkward pictures i could find in the textbooks at my uni’s language learning center.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

2008, baby

4. do you have queue tag?

It’s just Q, or q, depending on whether the device I’m using capitalizes by default or not. Kinda hate that there’s no xkit on mobile and I have to do that manually tbh

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Tumblr was very new at that point and there was a lot of buzz about microblogging, and I thought I might have given it a try. There was virtually no fandom (it was still mostly on livejournal and message boards and I myself kept my fandom activity to lj for a while, with little overlap), no tagging system, a lot of hipster stuff

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Pingu screaming internally is a state of mind

7. why did you choose your header?

Because I care about my brand

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

I have no idea because once a post really blows up I mute it via xkit... I *think* it might be the one with the card saying “A girlfriend is a sister you choose” that I commented with a gif of Jaime Lannister laughing (probably a bts shot with NCW in costume). My best on bidonicart is probably this one

9. how many mutuals do you have?

Hard to tell! Please tunglr do the math for me

10. how many followers do you have?

about 2700

11. how many people do you follow?

circa 1600, but I always see the same few :D I’ve been here so long that most of the blog I follow or that follow me are inactive at this point

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

Gurl I shitposted before the internet was even a thing

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

Definitely not as much as I used to, I only really find it usable on desktop, and I am using my computer less often these days because I’m mostly on the ipad, but the ipad tumblr app is... not great. Generally I just miss the quick tag function. I hate not tagging stuff, but I also hate having to open the post to do so, you know?

14. have you ever had a fight/argument with another blog? who won?

I think I only ever had a real fight last year and honestly I don’t think I “won”, I just disengaged from some incredibly deranged arguments and went on with my life.

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

You mean emotional blackmail

16. do you like tag games?

Yes but I never know who to tag and lately I’ve been missing most of them because I’m not here much and I don’t have a lot of time. Thankfully I’m on sick leave today lol

17. do you like ask games?

Yes but when I do them they tend to flop lmao

18. do you have a crush on a mutual?

Not really, no! Lots of people I like but not romantically

Chickening out of naming names I’m tagging whoever wants to do this, I’m trying to cut back on coffee to give my stomach some rest but that makes me sleepy and I can’t make decisions byyeeee

#tag meme #meet the blogger #about me

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iwachans-beefyarms · 4 years

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Hey everyone! Ok so first off, I’m really sorry for being hella inactive, it’s been a rough few months with exams and stress and seasonal depression HAHA but i’m better now! Unfortunately tumblr decided to delete a lot of my requests so I’m opening requests up again, so please feel free to drop by!!! This was a fun story to write, and I personally really love Sakusa’s character. I was heavily motivated by @sachiwrites‘s take on his character so hope I did u proud >.< I was also gong through a really stressful time while writing this so I thought it would be interesting to see how the reader’s own stress and depression would affect her relationship with Sakusa, someone who already had his own setoff problems. Anyway, hope y’all enjoy!

Original request: Hiiii ! lately, sakusa stole my heart >< so iy would be nice of you to write something about him !! Like something angtsy but with a fluffy end please, love me some emotional rollercoaster ride ^^

Truthfully, Sakusa Kiyoomi was indebted to you. He was acutely aware of how difficult he could be to handle. In fact, he had fully prepared himself for a life of solitude by the time he graduated from middle school. Who would want to spend the rest of their life with a person as complicated and fastidious as him? More so than that, Sakusa could not fathom having to care for another person so intimately. While he would like to pretend that his reasons for never taking interest in the pursuit for a lover were entirely born out of his insecurities about himself, the truth was that he was honestly just entirely too selfish to bother with a committed, loving relationship. He was not prepared to nurse any potential lover if they ever fell sick, or to have to go on spontaneous and wild dates just to please them. There were too many compromises that made a healthy relationship and Sakusa was not interested in making any of them. Life was too much of a burden as it already was; there was no need to worsen the weight of it.

Which is why he was so surprised when you whisked into his life, dancing up a storm in his heart. When he had first met you, he was utterly and completely blown away. He had been alone at the back of his school’s building trying distressingly hard to slow his breathing. He was panting-- no, hyperventilating. It was a panic attack of course, something he had gone through many times in his life, and something he thought he should be used to. However, the frequent occurrences of this attack on his lungs did not prevent him from feeling like he was on the edge of death everytime they came. This is it, this is really it. He heard himself think, his inner voice booming against the walls of his skull. In his crouched position, he saw the movement of feet through his peripheral vision. Too preoccupied to care, he ignored the actions of this unknown person and continued to focus on getting his breathing back on track. He noticed them, a girl maybe, reaching into her bag and pulling out a small bottle. It looked like… sanitiser maybe?

“Hey, eyes on me okay?” She spoke, her voice coming out muffled and soft against the loudness of his own heartbeat. Stressed and confused, he looked up at her as she carefully applied the liquid on her hands. Her thorough and smooth movements somehow helped him as he realised his vision had started becoming a lot less blurry. She came down to his level, and gently took his hands into hers.

“Breathe, 1, 2, 3. Exhale, 1, 2, 3. Come on, I’ll do it with you,” She spoke again, her voice confident and commanding, as she rubbed small and firm circles around his hands with the bud of her thumb. They stayed that way for nearly twenty minutes before Sakusa’s breathing finally came down from being erratic to somewhat normal. He was still panting, but he could think clearly now and he no longer heard his own heart beating in his head. She had stopped holding him by then, thank God. When he finally mustered up the effort to speak, all he could say was, “Who?”

With a small smile you replied, “Y/n! I’m in the class next to yours and we’ve never really met but I remember seeing you around quite often, Saskusa.” He was quite surprised when he realised you remembered his name. In all honesty, he had never seen you before. Maybe he had but he normally couldn't care less about other people. He didn’t even remember the names of some of his own classmates so why would he bother with a stranger next door? Still, she had been kind enough to help him. Not only that, she seemed to be aware of his phobia and had accommodated to it, which was incredibly moving for him. In that moment he felt the rare feeling of gratitude grow in his chest.

“Thank you, you must be really attentive to have known to be so careful,” he whispered, voice still raspy.

“Not really, it’s kind of obvious,” she laughed nervously, as if she was trying not to offend. He wasn’t offended.

“Anyway, see you around!” She said cheerfully, after a couple of awkward minutes. “Don’t be a stranger,” she added while walking away. He didn’t bother gracing that with a response.

Your persistent personality was a catalyst for your friendship. The daily greetings and small-talk had forced him to get to know you better and, interestingly enough, he was not repulsed. He found out about that new book you were reading, and actually enjoyed it when he decided to give it a read. Also, it was a pleasant surprise when you told him that you used to play volleyball. So, your conversations grew longer and meetings became more frequent. Soon, he was meeting you after school on days he didn’t have practice and even spending his lunch breaks with you. You started to inch closer to him and began leaving soft, subtle touches on his skin. You were obviously trying to be discreet, but he was a person who was so painfully aware of everyone around him that of course he noticed. The surprising thing was that he didn’t mind. He knew you were hygienic enough for him to be comfortable so he began to let himself enjoy your affections.

When you confessed your feelings for him, he was not surprised. He knew from the beginning that you had a little crush on him and he even found it quite adorable. Had you asked him out a few weeks earlier, his answer would have been a hard no. However, getting to know you over the past few weeks had really changed his entire mindset about relationships. For the first time in his life, Sakusa felt like he could open himself up to someone. You had been kind enough to cater to his obsessive and exhausting personality. You were also completely comfortable with taking things slow. Above all that, you had an absolutely endearing personality. It was as if fate had intentionally sent you his way after torturing him for the past years, and he wasn’t one to let blessings like this slip away. So, when you confessed your feelings for him, he was not surprised. But you were, when he said yes.

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Dating Sakusa was going to be hard and you knew that from the very start. You weren’t naive, despite what your boyfriend might have thought. You paid him a lot of attention during the earlier stages of your friendship. You knew what he liked, what ticked him off, his pet peeves and at that point you could even tell his emotional state just by looking at the way his eyebrows moved when the rest of his face was covered by a mask. You also knew that the effort Sakusa put into your relationship was unparalleled to everything you had done for him. But, that was what you had signed up for. He had enough problems on his own trying to deal with the world with his own personal struggles so you strived to make life just a little bit easier for him.

However, after a certain point, you had to come to terms with the fact that you were your own person too. You were human too. It was easy to forget about yourself when you had been so invested in another person. The most difficult part of it all was being unable to see the fruition of all your efforts. You knew deep in your heart that Sakusa loved you. He let you kiss him, touch him and even let you sleep in the same bed as him at times. Despite that, you felt incredibly lonely in your relationship. Interacting with Sakusa started feeling almost burdensome. While your relationship had been quite a ride, built by reckless passions with bursts of feelings like joy, anger and love, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of staleness develop after a while.

It started very slowly. School had been getting ridiculously hard and Sakusa’s practices had been getting more frequent. Engulfed by the stresses of school, the two of you had gone nearly two weeks without properly speaking to each other. While Sakusa had seemingly remained unbothered, the realisation of that had completely shocked you. How could you go two weeks without any interaction with the person you loved, and not even notice it? The thing you felt most guilty about was actually the sense of peace you had experienced over those two weeks. Blindsided by your adoration for Sakusa, you hadn’t realised how draining it was being around him. When the two of you would spend time, you rarely ever took care of yourself. You’d clean the table for him when eating lunch at school because he absolutely refused to eat at those disgusting cafeteria tables, and would rather die than clean it himself. Hell, you’d even do a thorough cleaning of your own house just so Sakusa could come over and spend time with you. That, coupled with the natural angst that grows in you as a hormonal teenager, had caused you to grow more and more irritated with him.

Things you had previously found endearing about Sakusa now made your skin crawl. Even as your interactions grew less, you found yourself wanting to cry out in anger everytime he asked you to wash your hands before touching him. It was incredibly frustrating because all you wanted was some affection, and your boyfriend, of all people, couldn’t give that to you. It hurt because you had foolishly believed that if you could convince him that he was capable of being loved, he’d grow to be able to reciprocate those affections. But you were starting to feel scammed.

“Sakusa, do you want to go to that cafe I’ve been talking about?” You had asked one day, hoping to salvage your sinking relationship. He had to have noticed the drift, right? He’d want to fix it too, right?

“Huh? I don’t really feel like it…” He shuts you down just like that. Your hands are intertwined, as they usually were when you went home together, but for the first time, you untangle your fingers from his.

In hindsight, you realised that not all your feelings had been caused by your dysfunctional relationship. You had suspected that you were depressed months ago, but the problem had never been serious enough to warrant any major action so you ignored it. At least, that was what you told yourself. As time went by, it became nearly impossible to ignore. You couldn’t do your homework, you couldn’t sleep and eventually your appetite began to vanish. The rejection you felt from Sakusa had further sent you down a spiral of self-doubt. You hated yourself for being so selfish and you figured that maybe the reason Sakusa was drifting away from you was because it was you who wasn’t enough, not him.

It didn’t take long for your guilt to morph into anger once again. You had made no mention of your fractured state of mind to Sakusa, but it would not have taken a genius to figure out that you were not okay. Friends and teachers had approached you to check on you but the man you loved with every fibre of your being had never once mentioned anything to you. The two of you went about your days as you normally would. Little kisses hello and goodbye had become almost mechanical, and you cried yourself to sleep every night. You knew you should seek help soon, before it became even worse but you couldn’t bring yourself to overlook Sakusa’s indifference towards you.

You couldn’t brush your teeth. You stood in front of your bathroom mirror and furrowed your eyebrows at your reflection, toothbrush in hand. Why…? It’s just… move your hand…? It had been two days since you last showered. It physically hurt you to move and all you wanted to do was go back to bed. Still, being the responsible student you were, you went to school. You were late, none of your homework had been done but hey, at least you showed up. You knew your boyfriend was disgusted by your appearance because he had been avoiding you like a plague. You didn’t blame him, you looked as hideous as you felt. It felt like the end of your relationship was nearing and you shocked yourself with how relieving that felt. Maybe if you stopped seeing each other you could start feeling at least a little less miserable. Again, at least that was what you told yourself when you messaged him about wanting to talk.

When the two of you met at the rooftop where you had so often shared meals, the atmosphere was tense. It didn’t help that the afternoon sun was unforgiving and the air was humid. Your disheveled state in the heat made you want to claw your own skin out but you settled for subtly digging your nails into the palms of your hands. You had planned the conversation out thoroughly; first ask him how his day was, then let him down easy. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. You knew how difficult getting into a relationship was for him and you didn’t want to completely turn him off from ever dating again.

Yet, when you saw the unreadable expression on his face with his fingers impatiently tapping the sides of his legs, your anger triumphed any semblance of civility you had planned.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Your words come out much softer than you anticipated but your voice shook. You could tell he was surprised by the way his eyebrows shot up.

“What do you mean I --”

“Shut up and listen, where have you been? I needed you, do you even care?” You were obviously crying at this point but Sakusa remained stunned to silence. “Screw you, Sakusa. Seriously, screw you,” you interrupt, your emotions clearly messing with your vocabulary.

“I’m your girlfriend, not your maid. I’m not just there to clean up shit for you! I have a life, I have feelings and I have been so miserable and you haven’t said anything,” You’re rambling but it was hard to stop once it started. You felt your vision blut from the tears and felt the snot running down your chin but you didn’t care. If Sakusa couldn't handle you at your worst then he sure as hell didn’t deserve you at your best. You continued your rant and poured your heart out to him. Unwittingly, you express your grievances about your own state of mind to him. You had wanted to keep your condition to him a secret for so long but there was no turning back now. He deserved to feel guilty, to hate himself for being such a terrible friend.

“I warned you about setting expectations. I told you that I’m not that guy. Why are you surprised now?”

His words seemed sarcastic but the genuinity in his voice as he responded triggered you. He wasn’t even trying to be hurtful, you knew that much. It was the fact that he hadn’t even tried to change for you that really broke your heart. Even though you had told yourself that you didn’t feel anything anymore, that the break up would be a relief, nothing in your nearly two decades of living could have ever prepared you for the heartbreak you felt in that moment. Seriously, it felt like your heart was about to fall from your chest, and you had to physically clench your fist against your chest to keep yourself from falling apart. You weren’t crying anymore, and there was nothing left to say. So, you walked away, and Sakusa didn’t bother stopping you.

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Sakusa Kiyoomi was indebted to you, this he knew for a fact. You had forced him out of his shell and had inspired him to be better. He never knew he was capable of doing something even as trivial as kissing, but with you he had been able to open himself up to so much more. Hell, he had had sex for the first time with you, something he had previously been unable to even fathom. It wasn’t just his comfort zone that you had expanded, you changed him for better. He was less cold towards others and he learned to appreciate the little things.

He remembered going to the beach once while you were on a date. He hated the sand in his shoes and he didn’t even want to think about stepping into the ocean. But, you had begged and begged for weeks and he eventually had to give in to you because, although he would never admit to it, seeing you smile made his heart flutter. You had forced him to take his shoes off and stand in the sand with you. With your eyes closed and hands raised, he watched you smile radiantly at the sky. He was transfixed, staring at you because how could someone be so beautiful and full of life?

“I love the feeling of the sun on my skin, it’s like being kissed by the sky don’t you think?” You had turned to face him, hands still in the air. Your words took him by surprise because Sakusa had never really seen the sun as anything but a source of humidity and a catalyst for disease. But the way you looked at him, the way your eyes sparkled; he couldn’t help but love the sun a little more from that day.

He really did love you, even if he wasn’t the best at showing it. So when you started getting dull, he noticed it immediately. He probably noticed it even before you had. The problem lay in the fact that he had no idea what to do. He figured, if you really needed help you would ask. But he knew that was just a pathetic excuse to avoid any kind of confrontation. Sakusa, for all his self-confidence, was incredibly insecure about his relationship with you. He never expected to cultivate such intense devotion towards you, but he did. And his biggest fear was that one day, you’d realise you were worth so much more than Sakusa could have ever hoped to offer. You were perfect and ethereal. Everybody loved you and it was almost like the sky became brighter when you were around. As the days went by, he found himself becoming more and more blinded by you. You had inspired him to get help, but he held himself back because of the fear that if you ever did grow wiser and left him, all his efforts would have been for naught. Truly, Sakusa believed that he would never love anyone the way he loved you, ever. The fear of losing you frightened him more than anything and he was too afraid to change any aspect of your relationship in case it ever disrupted the balance the two of you had created.

Things had started to change when you grew darker over time. He saw you deteriorate with his own eyes, but he couldn’t do anything. He didn’t want to do anything. He told himself it was because he was afraid of hurting you even more, but Sakusa felt deep down that it was his selfishness once again preventing him from ever going out of his way to care for someone. He reasoned that you were smart enough to have no expectation for him, that you knew he was a self-centred prick. But seeing you cry in front of him had really sobered him up. He hadn’t expected it to hurt so much when he saw you clutch your shirt as you fought back tears. When you walked away, he tried so hard to move towards you, to stop you, touch you-- anything, really. But his feet were grounded and all he could do was watch. Sakusa was nothing if not proactive, and he knew he had to do something quick, before the damage done was irreversible. With a quiet sigh muffled by his mask, he leaned his head back, face tilted toward the sky and let himself get lost in his thoughts.

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It had been two weeks since you spoke to Sakusa. You knew it was over but there had been a small part of you that had hoped he would approach you and you would both talk things out until everything went back to normal. Of course, that did not happen, and you were not surprised either. As much as you would like to believe in the romance of life that the media often tried to feed you, you were a realistic person who knew better than to have faith in some fantasy that only existed in your mind. At the same time, you were also, unfortunately, just a teenage girl whose heart refused to listen to her brain. Which was why, when your doorbell rang at 10pm that night, your heart skipped a beat in hopes that perhaps Sakusa had finally come to his senses and came to sweep you away.

What was more surprising than the fact that even after two weeks you still held some lingering hope that your ex-lover would come back to you was the fact that, indeed, it was him who stood at your front door. For a solid few seconds you could not move or say anything, as you took time to process the vision that was presented before you. Sakusa was wearing casual clothes and he sported his usual mask. However, it had been pushed down to collect at his neck, and you were gifted with the image of his whole face. His dark curls fell gracefully over his forehead and you noticed a slight sheen of sweat. Had he run here? What could he possibly want from you that was so urgent?

“Hello? Anyone home?” He asked. It took you a moment to realise he had just cracked a joke. Regaining your composure, you retort, “What the fuck do you want?” If he was hurt by your outburst, it certainly didn’t show.

“Look, before you say anything, please hear me out, okay?” He asked softly, taking a step towards you. Instinctively, you backed away. There was something different about him but you couldn’t place a finger on what it was exactly. His gaze on you felt stronger than ever, and he had a determined glint in his eyes that you had never seen before. You also noticed his posture. His shoulders were rolled back and he stood tall and proud, like he was so sure of himself. Whatever the source of his newfound confidence was, it made your heart hurt a little bit. You had been an absolute mess after the break up, while he had clearly been thriving.

“Sure. Whatever. Spit it out.”

“I love you, and I’m sorry for being such a jerk. I know I should have said this much earlier but I didn’t want you to think I was being insincere. I had to do something to prove to you how serious I was being,” He started, a small smile creeping on his face. You stared at him blankly, not understanding where this was going.

“Are you proposing…? Because I will say no!” You blurt out, panicking slightly. He blinked at you a couple times, obviously puzzled by your outburst. Then, he laughed. A full blown chortle. It was a rare Sakusa laugh that you had only witnessed a couple times before. With a big, bright smile, he shook his head and responded, “No, dumbass. I’ve been seeing a therapist.” The revelation was shocking, to say the least. But, before you could interrupt, he continued.

“When you left after our argument I realised how much I had been taking you for granted. I’m not good with expressing myself but I knew enough to realise that you’re the best damn thing that could have ever happened to me. You see, I knew this for a long time, I just don't know how to tell you. I don’t like people and I find relationships exhausting but with you, for the first time in my life, I want to try harder. I didn’t want to lose you. I spoke to my mother and she offered to take me to see a therapist. She had asked me before but I never felt the need to see one. But after our fight, I realised I had to grow up. I still generally hate people and I still don’t know how to say what I’m feeling. And I sure as hell still hate germs but, I’m willing to work towards getting better. For you. You deserve at least that. If you’re willing to take me back, I’d be lucky to have you with me while I do this.”

He ends his speech with his eyes still looking into yours, as if he was analysing your reaction. He had clearly rehearsed this, you could just tell. It was honestly quite cute and heartwarming because you couldn’t think of any other time Sakusa had tried this hard with you. Your chest swells with affection you had been repressing for the past couple of weeks as you grabbed his shirt and yanked him down to your lips. The kiss was sweet, and a little salty from the tears that escaped your eyes after his little speech. Sakusa wasted no time wrapping his arms around you as he pressed your body closer to him. You had become an expert at reading him since the start of your relationship and you could feel just how much he had missed you from the way he held you during that kiss. Pulling away, he let his hands slide up your arms and cup your face.

“Does this mean you forgive me?” He asks, breathless.

You weren’t an idiot. You knew things were going to be far from peachy. But for him, you were willing to risk the sun and the moon. You tell him this by taking his hands into yours and leaning up for another kiss.

#haikyuu x reader #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa x reader #female reader #angst #fluff #haiku angst

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akiology · 4 years

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Hello, Are You There? || Part 2

Minako tries the number neighbor thing. Thinking it was an inactive number, she decides to vent and express her frustrations, turning it into a sort of mini diary. What she didn’t expect was somebody was actually on the other line and decided to send a message back.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Word Count: 4.3k+

Pairing: Akihiko Sanada x Minako Arisato

Note: this chapter includes a long text message thread between headphones and pancakes ehe and some slight angst jfjfdnjf im sorry the next one is gonna be fluffy i promise ; u ; ALSO i accidentally posted this w/o the proper editing so if u saw this b4 im sorry fhrkjfrbf

“Arisato, your grades aren’t so impressive these past few weeks, may I know why?” Miss Toriumi, the teacher in-charge of Minato’s class, asks with concern evident in her voice. This was so unlike him, he always manages to snag the highest scores and is an excellent student. Minato just shrugs nonchalantly. Miss Toriumi sighs, probably realizing Minato probably won’t open up any time soon.

“Arisato, I know you don’t feel comfortable opening up to me. But I hope you are at least opening up to someone. Perhaps your sister?” Miss Toriumi continues. Minato shrugged once again. Before Miss Toriumi could continue once more, a fellow student entered the room.

“Miss Toriumi, you are needed at the Student Council room.” Miss Toriumi gave a quick nod to the other student, and turns to Minato. “Well, I am needed elsewhere. I will take my leave, but please keep in mind that you can talk to me if you need guidance.”

Minato walked out of the Faculty Room and headed for the school gates.

These past few days, Minato has felt… lost.

He overheard his classmates talking about which career paths they will be pursuing, and he felt… left behind. His classmates have already started planning their future and they seemed so… certain.

Minato hasn’t felt the feeling of certainty ever since their parents went abroad without them. They said it's for work, but right now, he really isn't sure if it really is for work. Before they left, he heard them saying that ‘the children are getting bothersome to deal with’. Ever since then, the feeling of stability, the feeling of being sure about something has become a foreign concept to him. Do his parents still love them? Are they a burden? If he was wrong for thinking that his own parents most certainly love and support them, then what about the others? Who's to say he isn't wrong with everything else? Minato envies his classmates, because even though they are the same age as he is, somehow they have already gotten everything figured out for themselves.

‘Why couldn’t he be more like that?’ He could hear the voice in his head say.

This train of thought is the only thing occupying his mind for the past few days, and it has greatly affected his life. His academic grades, his club performance, and even his relationships with both his friends and his very own sister.

Ever since the seed of doubt in his mind was planted, the voice in his head started getting louder and braver.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’

‘Are you sure that’s the right choice?’

‘You probably won’t go far in life.’

‘You’re a failure. That’s why they left.’

He tried everything he can to drown out the voice in his head. He tried listening to music, hanging out with his friends, playing at the arcade, anything. Anything to make it go away or so that he can no longer hear it.

But of course, it is not that easy.

He wanted to talk to his sister, he really did. But he didn’t know how to. It was something he had in common with his sister. Despite being surrounded by many friends, opening up still remains difficult for the both of them. And what makes it even harder is that, he doesn’t know how to explain this feeling of his. Deep down, he is thinking that, perhaps, this was just something he made up himself and that it is not real. So he tried driving his attention somewhere else.

He decided to go somewhere quiet, somewhere hidden.

He let his feet lead him, with his loud music blasting from his headphones.

This mindless walking led him to the train station’s back alley.

It was deserted. Perfect.

He sat down and closed his eyes. Eventually his phone started vibrating. Picking it up, he received a message from Minako.

Sis: hey im in a study grp w fuuka and yukari

Sis: ill be late so eat b4 u go home

Minato was about to send a reply to his sister, when three older men approached him.

“Hey, little man. What are ya doing here?” One of them, whom Minato assumed was their leader, asked him. They didn’t seem too happy with seeing an unfamiliar boy at their hangout spot.

“Nothing.” Minato replied simply, shoving his phone in to his pocket and fixing his headphones into position. The men, however, were irritated by this.

“Ye’r in our spot.” The leader, who apparently has a nose piercing, took a step closer. They tried to look intimidating, but it did not faze Minato one bit.

“And?”

“Leave.”

“No.”

The guy was starting to get angry, and started digging around in his pocket. “Ye’r from Gekkoukan High, aren’t ya? Damn, one of yous are always trying to waltz around here like some hotshot, but guess what? Ye’r not.”

“Ok.” Minato said absentmindedly. And finally, the man reveals what he was hiding in his pocket. A knife. Minato stood up quickly. “I’ll leave.”

“Haha, ye’r too late. I am angry now.” The man swings his knife, and Minato was barely even able to dodge it. It grazed slightly against his cheek, forming a small scar.

“Hey, stop that!” A tall man wearing a beanie and maroon peacoat quickly came to his rescue. He was able to restrain the man and retrieve the knife from him. Mr. Nose Piercing tried flailing around, but the tall man was much stronger than he is.

“Hey, let him go!” The two other guys who entered with Mr. Nose Piercing, approached the tall male restraining their friend. But before they could attack, another male, a silver-haired gentleman wearing a red vest came, and was able to knock down one guy.

The one left standing kneeled down, pleading for mercy. “Please! I didn’t do anything! It was all him!” He then pointed at Mr. Nose Piercing. The tall, beanie-wearing man scoffed, “Wow, selling your friend out just to be able to escape? How pathetic.”

“Aki, get the knife.”

“Got it, Shinji.”

Mr. Beanie, or Shinji as he was called, dropped Mr. Nose Piercing onto the ground.

“Take your friend, and the other one too. Don’t come back or else we will call the police.”

“Fuck ya, Aragaki! I thought ye were one of us!” Mr. Nose Piercing shouted but quickly exited when he was able to successfully carry his knocked-down friend.

Shinji shook his head and muttered under his breath, “I was never one of you.”

Mr. Red Vest (Minato forgot his name) turned to him and asked, “What were you doing here?”

“I was trying to clear my head.”

Mr. Red Vest looks around, “In here?” He didn’t seem to understand why he chose this out of all the places in Port Island. It was really unhygienic and lots of trashes are strewn around. If he were to go here to clear his head, he’d probably exit more troubled than before.

“Well, you did find me here. So yes, here. I was trying to clear my head here.” Minato sarcastically quipped. Mr. Red Vest looked so confused.

Shinji, approached Minato and gave him a band-aid and an unopened water bottle. Minato raised his eyebrows.

“For your scar. I only have water for now, so use it to clean it. Then cover it with the band-aid. When you get home do a more thorough clean, though. It’s a small scar but better be safe than sorry.” Shinji stated. When Minato accepted the items, Shinji put his hands back into his pockets.

“Don’t come back here anymore. Find another place to clear your head. Let’s go, Aki.”

Ah, Mr. Red Vest was named Aki.

“Um, alright. Goodbye.” Aki awkwardly gave a small wave, and they left. Minato decided to gather his belongings and go home.

/./

As Minato approached the apartment, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time. However, his phone died. Minato sighs and when looked up, he notices that the lights are on.

Minako is home.

He brought his hand up to his face, feeling around the band-aid that was placed. He hopes Minako doesn’t notice. The last thing he wants to do is stressing Minako out even more. As he turns the doorknob, he looks down. Hopefully, not meeting her eyes would make it less obvious. As he opens the door, he was met with his sister who was in front of the door. ‘Was she going out?’

“And just where have you been?” Minako asked in a harsh tone. It was rare for her to speak like that and when he heard it, he flinched.

Not wanting to anger her even more, he lied. “With the boys.”

“Lies. They told me they didn’t know where you were.”

‘Well, shit.’

‘You’re just gonna come up with a lie and it was a terrible one.’

Not wanting to receive her wrath, he skimmed past her.

“Minato, I am talking to you.”

He stopped abruptly, still not turning to face her, “What?”

“What? What?! What do you mean ‘what’? I was worried sick! You didn’t answer any of my calls, and your friends didn’t know where you were! Not to mention that it’s late, who knows what kind of criminal could be lurking around the streets at this moment!” He could hear the frustration and worry in Minako’s voice, but he couldn’t bring himself to face her.

He feels that if he did, he’ll break down.

“Calm down, I got home safely didn’t I? It’s fine. You’re worrying over nothing.” Minato cringed at what he said, he knew that he sounded extremely self-centered right now but he couldn’t take it back anymore.

‘You’re the bad guy.’

Minato quickly got up the stairs, not wanting to say any more things that he didn’t mean.

“Minato Arisato, come back down here! I am not done talking to you!”

/./

The next day, the twins’ train ride to the school was really awkward. They can’t meet each other’s eyes. However, Minako would be lying if she said that the band-aid on Minato’s face didn’t worry her one bit. They both seem like they have so much to say, but are hesitating whether it was the right moment or not. They instead decide to disappear into their own worlds, with the power of music. It didn’t help calm down Minako’s nerves, so she decided to fidget with her phone. She eventually found her thumb hovering over the messaging app.

‘Fuck it.’

Minako: hey headphones

Minako: gud am

Headphones: Good morning to you too, pancake. :)

Headphones: How are you today?

Minako: um

Minako: don’t wanna talk about it

Minako: can we talk about something else?

Headphones: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Minako: uhh

Minako: wanna get to know eachother?

Headphones: Okay. How will this work?

Minako: we take turns asking questions, but no matter who’s turn it is, we will both answer

Headphones: Okay, you first?

Minako: mmm

Minako: pronoun?

Minako: i’m she/her

Headphones: He/Him. :)

Headphones: What do you do on your free time?

Headphones: I either train to make myself stronger or hang out with a close friend. :) You?

Minako: maybe at home cleaning/cooking

Minako: or hanging out w friends as well

Minako: do u like any sports?

Minako: i play volleyball

Headphones: Wow, that’s great!

Headphones: I’m into boxing :)

Minako felt her cheeks heat up. Wow, that’s kinda hot.

‘Wait…’

‘What the hell am I thinking?!’

Headphones: Favorite food?

Headphones: Of course, you already knew about pancakes, but I also like eating beef bowls and ramen from time to time. But no meal of mine is complete without sprinkling some protein powder on it. :)

Minako: oh uhhh

Minako: anything sweet ig

Minako: i’ve got a sweet tooth hehe

Headphones: Then I guess the nickname ‘Pancake’ is perfect for you then. :)

Minako doesn’t know why but whenever they call her that name, it makes her cheeks warm and her heart starts beating faster. This feeling is foreign, but it sure as hell isn’t unwelcomed.

Minako looked out the window and noticed that the train is nearing its destination.

Minako: hey so uh i gtg real soon

Minako: ttyl?

Headphones: Alright, pancake. Take care. :)

Minako: umm

Minako: thanks

Headphones: No problem.

Minako: i dont think u understand, really

Minako: thank u from the bottom of my heart

Minako: for talking to me n being here n all that

Headphones: Anytime. :)

/./

During lunch, Minako decided to eat with Fuuka and Yukari. On the other hand, Minato ate with Junpei and Kenji. Their friends do not seem to be aware that the siblings are currently giving each other the ‘silent treatment’ and haven’t even uttered a word to each other since last night.

As Minako sat down with her food, her phone vibrated in her pocket. As Yukari and Fuuka were settling down in their own seats, she decides to check her phone.

Headphones: Hey, pancake. It’s lunchtime and I hope that you are eating well. :)

That short message made Minako smile so big that it didn’t go unnoticed by Yukari and Fuuka. They gave each other a quick look and turned back to silently observe Minako.

After sending a quick reply, Minako put her phone on the table and placed her bag beside her. After a few minutes, her phone vibrated. Her screen lit up, and it was a message from Headphones again.

Headphones: It better not be all sweets! Your body needs other nutrients too.

Minako chuckled at the message. Which, once again, did not go unnoticed. Yukari scooted over to Fuuka and whispered, “Do you think she forgot that we were here?”

Fuuka replied quietly, “Um, do you know who she’s texting?”

Yukari shrugged and mouthed, ‘Rio?’

Minako: heh okay MOM

Minako: make sure ure the same ok protein man

Minako put her phone down and picked up her utensils, when her phone vibrated again.

Headphones: Hey, that’s not the nickname you gave me!

Minako giggled at the message, but it was cut off by the sound of Yukari clearing her throat. Minako freezed when she realized that she momentarily forgot that Fuuka and Yukari were with her.

“So… who is your new text mate?” Yukari started, sporting a teasing smile and looking at her knowingly.

“Uh, Rio?”

Yukari raised her eyebrows, “Are you asking me?”

Minako cleared her throat, trying to show a poker face. “No, it IS Rio.”

Yukari turned to Fuuka, “Are you buying this, Fuuka?”

“No… She’s acting a bit suspicious.” Fuuka said, shyly.

“Fuuka!” Minako exclaimed, startling nearby students.

“Heh, you heard her. So who is it?”

“It’s nothing! I just saw a funny meme!”

“Would a funny meme make your phone vibrate three times in a row?”

“It’s a notification from a meme page? Um, yeah that’s it! They’re just really active today!” Minako cringed when she heard how fake that sounded.

“Why do you sound so uncertain, this makes it easier to see that you’re lying, y’know?” Yukari said smugly, and Minako doesn’t know if she should admit to Yukari that her new text mate is actually the guy from their number neighbor shenanigan. It’s nothing bad, it’s just that Minako knows that if she mentions this to them, she would not hear the end of it from Yukari.

“Okay fine.” Minako took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you.”

Yukari smiled triumphantly, while Fuuka’s eyes widened in surprise.

“So, who is it?”

“Before I tell you, can I ask what happened to your number neighbors?” Minako asked, hoping to stall.

“Hm, mine blocked me when I sent that message.” Yukari shook her head, disappointed.

“Oh, mine was really scary. They said that if I message them again, they will call the police.” Fuuka said, fidgeting with her fingers.

“What?! Isn’t that a bit too much?” Minako quickly held Fuuka’s hand, hoping to give her some sort of comfort.

“Oh, it’s fine. Maybe they thought I was a hacker or something. It’s not bad to be cautious.”

Yukari sighs, “Let’s never do this again.”

Fuuka nodded, “Agreed.”

There was a moment of silence, until Fuuka spoke up, “Why did you ask about that though, Minako?”

“Oh um… W-well…” Minako looked away and nervously laughed. Until Yukari realized why.

“Wait, is your number neighbor your new text mate?”

“Ehehe, yes?”

Fuuka and Yukari gasped.

“Well, well, well… It looks like I was right. You were able to get a relationship out of this number neighbor thing. Oh! How romantic! You were just one digit away from each other!” Yukari giggled and began hugging Fuuka out of excitement.

“Relationship? N-no… We aren’t in a re-relationship. We’re just… talking. Hehe..” Minako stuttered, and she really wanted to slap herself when she heard how she sounded.

“Yeah, and a relationship comes next after that!” Yukari cheered loudly, standing up and thrusting a first in the air triumphantly. The students in the next table seemed irritated by our table.

“Yukari, simmer down! You’re disturbing the other students!” Minako tried to get Yukari to sit back down. Fuuka found the situation amusing, and giggled.

“Anyways, give us details! You can’t expect us not to want more info when you told us that you actually ended up being text mates with your number neighbor! Spill!”

“Well, he is a nice guy. He is really understanding and willing to listen to my problems. He also respected my decision when I told him to call each other by code names instead of our real names. He also checks in with me every once in a while to see if I was okay…” Minako tells them, and unknowingly smiling to the thought of him. It wouldn’t have been noticed by Yukari and Fuuka if she wasn’t blushing so hard.

“Aww, you like him! Ask him if he wants to meet up, ey?”

“W-what! No! I-I barely know him!”

“Yeah, that’s why you are going to meet up, duh! To get to know each other more… and who knows… This could be something worth mentioning at your wedding when Fuuka and I give our toasts as your maid of honors!”

“Oh, that does sound cute!” Fuuka mentions cheerily.

“Fuuka, NO. Do not encourage Yukari, that wasn’t cute at all!”

/./

After classes, Minato waited outside of Minako’s classroom. Minato decided that he was going to apologize and open up to Minako, no matter what. He doesn’t want to keep his sister in the dark anymore. After a few minutes of waiting for his sister, he decided to go in himself and approach her. He saw her chatting with Fuuka while cleaning up her things.

“Sis.” Minato called, while dumping his bag on top of her desk. “Come with me, you can leave your things for now.” He grabbed his hand and led her outside.

Fuuka seemed confused, but resumed to picking up the scattered trashes. After a few minutes, Yukari entered the room, looking for someone. She quickly found Fuuka and approached her. “Where’s Minako?”

“Oh, Minato told her he had something to talk about. They left their things here, so you can just wait for them. If you wish to talk to Minako, they’ll probably come back soon.”

Suddenly, Yukari grinned widely. “They left their things, ey? So Minako’s phone is in here?”

Fuuka blinked a few times. ‘Why would Yukari ask about Minako’s phone?’

“Yeah, I think? I didn’t see Minako bring anything with her because Minato quickly dragged her outside, it seemed like he had something urgent to say.”

“Aha, I see… Fuuka, want to do a prank with me?”

/./

Minako was surprised by how her brother took the initiative to approach her first. She was happy as it seems like Minato is finally going to start opening up to her, something she wished he did from the start. And then, she remembers Headphone’s words: ‘He just needs some time to figure it out himself and then he will approach you.’

Minato finally let go of her wrist when they arrived at the persimmon tree. He signaled for her to sit down at the nearby bench, which was under the shade. For a few minutes, they were silent. Just taking in the peaceful environment and the cool, refreshing wind.

Minato was the first to speak up. “I’m sorry.”

Minako turned to look at him, “I’m sorry, too. For shouting at you last night, that was unnecessary.”

Minato shook his head and gave his sister a small smile. “No, that was okay. I was being unreasonable. But that’s not the only thing I’m apologizing for.”

Minako tilted her head, confused. “Huh?”

“I have been hiding things from you because I had a feeling you wouldn’t understand me. But that was wrong of me, I shouldn’t just start assuming things and then suddenly start closing off myself. When we were at the train this morning, it felt wrong that you weren’t talking to me. It was a really sucky feeling to have. And then I realized, that this was what you must be feeling when I stopped talking to you.” Minato closed his eyes and buried his face into the palms of his hands.

Minako frowned seeing her brother so distraught. She was about to say something, but Minato lifted his head and continued talking.

“The truth is, lately I have been feeling lost. I don’t know what to do. I feel… empty. I don’t know how to explain it, but basically it’s like the world is in black and white. It’s lifeless, and I don’t see the point. I am… uncertain whether I am making the right choice or not. A voice in my head is always telling me that I am making a bad choice or that I’m a failure. I… I’m sorry if I’m not making sense.”

“Minato, it’s fine… I understand.”

“Do you still love me? You won’t leave?”

Minako was shocked by what he said, “Why would you even think that? I would never leave you! You’re my brother… I would never abandon you.”

“But… mom and dad did.” Minato said quietly, and Minako feel the lump in her throat growing bigger.

“That’s okay. We don’t need them. I won’t ever leave you Minato. You are my partner-in-crime, my bestfriend, and most importantly, my brother. I love you so much and we will always be together.”

“But what will we do about the voice in my head?”

“Well, you have me. We can figure about this together. If you want, we can go see a therapist?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that…”

“Then that is okay too. You will only go if you want to. I am here for you no matter what, and if you ever start having bad thoughts or the voice in your head gets stronger, just go to me. No matter what time or day, whether there’s classes or not, I’ll be there. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Minako and Minato gave small smiles to each other and they hugged. After a few moments, they let go and talked to each other for a few more minutes before heading back inside.

/./

When Minako and Minato returned to the classroom to retrieve their items, they were met with Fuuka looking uneasy and fidgeting. “Fuuka? You okay?” Minako approached her friend, going in for a hug to comfort her but Fuuka jumped.

“Minako! I am so sorry! I tried stopping Yukari but she was determined!” Fuuka bowed her head.

“What are you talking about? What did Yukari do?” Minato strided over, curious with what made Fuuka so worried. Minako shrugged at Minato, confused and worried for her friend.

Fuuka stood up straight, but still unable to look Minako in the eye. Right at that moment, Yukari came in holding an empty food wrapper. “Oh, Minako! There you are!”

Minako, Minato and Fuuka all whipped their heads to where Yukari’s voice was coming from. Yukari approached them, waving the empty food wrapper in front of their faces. “Minako, Fuuka and I are really sorry for eating this deluxe donut snack from the canteen without you! Fuuka was so worried because she knows you like it so much, but I was really hungry so I ate it! Sorry!”

Minako frowned and raised her eyebrow at Yukari, crossing her arms. “Is that all?”

Yukari gulped, and Fuuka started playing with the hem of her skirt, not strong enough to look Minako in the eye. “Yeah, that’s all! R-right Fuuka?” Yukari approached Fuuka, trying to silently ask for back-up.

Fuuka finally looked up to Minako and nodded quickly. “Y-yes! We’re really sorry, Minako!”

Minato stood awkwardly beside Minako, who was seriously studying Yukari and Fuuka. Serious Minako is scary Minako. Eyes scrutinizing their every movement, lips in a tight line, and arms across her chest making her seem even more intimidating.

After a few minutes of silence, Minako gave them a bright smile and laughed. Yukari and Fuuka were surprised and Minato was confused.

“Aww, girls! Don’t worry about that! You were hungry so it’s fine!” Yukari gave a sigh of relief, while Fuuka was still a bit shaken up. Minako closed her distance with the two girls and gave them both a hug.

“But next time, wait for me okay?” She whispered, in their ears eerily.

“Y-yes, Minako.”

“Haha, yeah…”

/./

RECENTLY DELETED THREAD

Minako: hey

Minako: do u live near tatsumi port island

Headphones: Yeah, I do. Why?

Minako: wanna meet tomorrow, sunday?

Minako: get to know each other?

Headphones: Oh, you want to meet?

Headphones: That’s fine by me. :)

Headphones: Where though?

Minako: paulownia mall, that ok? specifically chagall café

Minako: i have brunette hair with silver pins on it forming XXII

Minako: i’ll also be wearing a red scarf

Headphones: That sounds good!

Headphones: See you soon, pancake. :)

51 notes · View notes

war--lords · 5 years

Text

Hanayome

Warnings: Female!Reader, mild family conflict, possible inaccuracy Word count: 3,648 Tagged: #hanayome Translations and important notes:

Irouchikake is a colorful variant of the bridal kimono, while shiromuku is the kind that is all white.

Norito chants are a form of Shinto prayer/incantation.

Shimenawa refers to the special rope used to signify something holy, like trees, for example.

Tengu literally means ‘heavenly dog’, but in mythology, they are portrayed to take the form of birds of prey.

This has really gotten out of hand—I know it’s not nearly as popular as my other fics, but I genuinely enjoy writing this, going so far as to stay up late and make multiple edits :’) So I hope you enjoy reading it!

Part 1 Part 3

Not long ago you were dressed in a rush with the help of at least four other miko, and now, an intricate hairstyle sitting atop your head and donning an irouchikake, you stand before the red gate, eager to make the ascent. Your garbs are especially audacious when compared to Kiku’s shiromuku: its scarlet base, just as the god Tengu demands, brings out the black-colored designs, and on top of that are auspicious imagery filled with white and outlined in what seemed to be gold thread. It appears to shine as you walk.

If Kiku looked like winter’s first snow, you looked like autumn’s burning foliage.

Your attire is the last thing on your mind, however. It never crossed your mind that you would actually climb up those sacred stairs to the Seiiki just the way you imagined it earlier, while you were half-asleep and angry. There is still a low fire kindling at the bottom of your gut, but it is more determination than vexation. You’ve hugged Kiku and your mother after you got dressed—they held you in their arms as if it would be their last time seeing you, but a part of your demeanor shows as though you were only meeting the god Tengu to talk. You’ve yet to decide if that’s a form of denial.

As for your father, you knelt before him and kept your head down for the appropriate amount of time. You don’t know what kind of face he made. You don’t really care.

Something inside you tells you that it’d be better for them without you. You hastily brush that thought away, realizing that the voice is the same one who whispers only ugly things to you. It’s not as if your fate is sealed, anyway—you’re adamant to show the god Tengu that he isn’t the only one with demands, and the first one you’ll declare is for that harrowing mark on Kiku’s neck to disappear. You won’t leave until it is done.

Then again, you’re not sure if you want to go back to the temple. Do you? Unconsciously your eyebrows knit, the first symptoms of your overthinking. You’ll deal with the problem when the problem arises, you decide. Pondering won’t be of much help.

You look back to the unmoving scene behind you: your family, standing in a row in their ceremonial garbs, followed by the whole of the temple. They are all completely still, with little to no emotion betrayed by their faces. Only Kiku appears to be misty-eyed, most likely from how downright absurd the tables turned. As your gaze falls on her you spy the red string around her neck. You choose to flash her a small smile, but you find yourself not knowing what it means. “You’ll be fine on your own”? “I’m sorry it turned out this way”? “I’ll be back”? Somehow you mean all of that and, at the same time, none of them feel right.

You spare one final glance at your parents before walking out the red gate. Despite your mild fever, your steps are wide and sure, not as fast as the vision you saw in your mind’s eye, but just as driven. The evenfall rain thins out into a light shower. Still, you have an umbrella in one hand, the traditional lantern gripped tightly by the other. The young miko from earlier follows closely behind you—she volunteered to climb again because she was “already wet anyway”, but everyone insisted that she carried an umbrella nevertheless.

If the steps aren’t so slippery you would already be running, you mentally note.

Up and up you go, feeling the air change ever so slightly with each inhale. The rustle of bamboo leaves to your left and right becomes the new silence to your ears, with only the occasional whistle of wind as an almost musical accompaniment. Rain brings out a nostalgic smell from the ground—it reminds you that your feet are still on earth, and that the soil on top of Mount Kurama the same soil on top of which the village is built.

You think that the twists and turns of the steps are rather broad compared to what it looks like from afar. In person, it feels more like a gentle change of direction, and it makes you pay more attention to the mountain, like you are feeling where the ground is level and where it slopes. Your mind maps it out almost like a human body: alive.

The thought helps especially because it feels like you are climbing a stairway to heaven.

You preoccupy yourself with the topology—anything to stave away excessive, useless rumination. You find that norito chants prove to be effective as well.

To your disdain, however, climbing a seemingly endless flight of stairs does things to your mind. It has to be quite a while since the start of your climb, and your eyes are beginning to spin from looking at the same pattern of stones many times over. The mantras lose their purpose as soon as muscle memory takes over, your lips mechanically forming the words, robbing your mind from the necessity to think it through. Your fingers adjust their grip on the umbrella and you purse your lips.

You can’t help but think about Kiku, and you briefly wonder if she thought about you too during her ascent.

It is not off the mark for you to assume that the holy steps are also a place of trial, for the things you recall about your shared childhood with Kiku seems to highlight only the darkest moments. You know that it was overall a pleasant, peaceful experience, growing up with her, but the steps… it’s as if every single bitter knot in the deepest crevices of your mind has surfaced because of it, no matter how small and ugly they may be.

She is the temperate lake to your forest fire.

Not exactly loving words coming from a father, but not exactly lies. Kiku has always been the milder one, and you know that this has led to her being more well-liked. She isn’t absolutely obedient and meek, but compared to you, she appears so. After all, you are always the one to question, accepting the argument that inevitably occurs in the aftermath. Perhaps that was why you weren’t as popular with the boys when you were young—you were close to plenty of them, but only as a friend, never a love interest.

Kiku was very popular. Still is. In fact, when that fateful arrow shot the temple roof, many brave—borderline foolish—men offered a more... confrontational kind of solution in hopes of saving her from her destiny. Your father declined, however. They would simply perish before the god Tengu and further fuel his anger, which would do the village no favors whatsoever. You remember how it was the same back in the day—a lot of boys enjoy helping out Kiku, perhaps viewing her as nothing more but a powerless pretty girl, but you were always there for her first. Subconsciously, your lips tug into a small smile.

With that many pursuers, you wonder if Kiku had any lovers. You recall some who were close to capturing her heart, but she was very young and feeble, maybe a little scared of the idea about a relationship—especially after your father found out about one particular boy she was close to and drove him off, forbidding Kiku from ever seeing him again. His family wasn’t distinguished enough in your father’s eyes, this much you understood even while you were younger. You remember feeling angry about it.

“I swear I love him,” she cried in your arms that night, “so much...”

That was probably the hardest she’s ever cried in front of you.

On the other hand, your luck was never in the romantic sphere, so to speak. There were men interested in you, but it never lasted. You had your fair share of rejecting their advances because you just thought a relationship wasn’t what you wanted, and you also had to go through some painful, confusing experiences with the man suddenly growing disinterested and leaving. It brought you an amount of self-doubt, which later on grew to become rooted insecurities that you somehow couldn’t blame on anyone.

You’re sure Kiku has her own problems to deal with, a sentiment that you think she shares. This could be largely why the two of you were never gravely jealous of each other—a level of empathy and communication led the two of you to an understanding that you are different and it’s okay.

It’s okay. The thought serves more like a promise than a statement because you feel your legs begin to ache. The repeating stone patterns seem to be all your eyes can see and it’s starting to make you sick.

Just a little more, you think, as the stairs make yet another turn.

——————————

You don’t know if it’s fatigue or fog, but by the time you reach the peak, everything seems so cloudy it looks like a dream. The air is significantly colder on top of the mountain, and you’re suddenly grateful for the many layers of your bridal ensemble—they are not made for warmth, but in its abundance you find comfort. The forest’s rustles fill the silence, though the wind isn’t as strong now.

In front of you are stairs no more, only single leveled stone path with flaming bamboo torches on its left and right despite the consistently light rain. Holy flames, you note, and the way it looks more white than gold reminds you of the arrow. There’s a faint throbbing in your chest, making you stop in your tracks for a moment.

She will climb up Mount Kurama to meet her groom and dwell in the Seiiki with him forever.

You feel the young miko’s gaze behind you, watching, perhaps in concern from your sudden inaction. You allow yourself to let out a sigh as you start to walk again.

Swiftly, the flames of the torches parallel to you disappear with a whoosh, as though they were blown away by something. You are indeed taken aback, but manage to keep your emotions hidden, continuing to walk the stone path. For all you know, there could be watchful eyes in places you can’t see—the god Tengu attracts devotees with many powers that can be used to harm mankind should he wills it.

You walk on, trying to ignore the way each torch blows out when you pass them. You look up at the sky from under your umbrella—it’s so nice to finally be able to see it again, after what seems like hours of climbing and looking down at your feet to make sure you don’t slip. The night is dark and the rain remains insistent, but you can see the clouds beginning to drift away, revealing stars that look too close to be real.

Not long after you discovering a wide clearing to what seems like a terribly unassuming, unmistakably old mansion, albeit not the kind of old that is worn throughout the years. It is the kind of old you don’t see, but feel. And yet its feeling is as plain as day, even the most spiritually detached can see it—that this is a place of utmost sanctity, one that a daughter of a head priestess such as yourself hasn’t experienced.

Shimenawa ropes are tied together from the bronze poles that surround the mansion’s court. Wordlessly, you turn around to look at the young miko—she already knows what to do, this being her second ascent within less than a day. From the bundle of cloth, she takes out a jug and a single rice ball, her meal before she returns, traversing down those same treacherous stairs to the temple. You watch as she makes herself comfortable, sitting down at a spot at the end of the path. Filled with sympathy, you wonder why she willingly undertook the task, and if you’ll ever see her again after stepping foot beyond the shimenawa.

Offering her a long bow, you take one last look at the miko—she can’t be much older than you—before bracing yourself to face the inevitable. According to the ancient decree, only head priests are allowed in the temple, but you suppose the god Tengu can bend as many rules as he wants as long as he’s the one who designed them.

You lean down to grab the rope. Holding it above and over you, you step in, both feet touching the court’s cobblestones. Nothing happens. Were you not meant to be here, how will you perish? Thunder? Fire? A flock of the god Tengu’s hawks, from the stories, descending from the sky to pierce at your flesh and gouge your eyes out?

...or maybe an arrow to the heart?

Your chest throbs yet again. The many distracting thoughts your mind conjures make you feel like your head is crowded and full, so you decide to count each step you take towards the mansion. Its obvious entrance, marked by more torches, is facing you, the symmetry of the building conveniently letting you know where to go—straight ahead.

One. Two. Three. Four. Your heart starts beating faster than it should.

The sound of your geta on the ground echoes, five, six, seven, eight, and you watch the lights in the mansion. Somebody is home. You wonder if you’ve ever been this nervous, because by the eighth, ninth, tenth step, the butterflies inside your stomach have multiplied, their wings fluttering up a storm. A minor shiver racks up your spine and you feel your fever coming back twofold. There’s cold sweat on your nape.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen. You will yourself not to look back at the young miko—has she gotten enough rest?—for fear that you will abandon your mission. But you can’t. You don’t want to. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen steps in, and you remember Kiku’s neck, the crumpled paper from the arrow slipped in your obi, the white fire. Suddenly the butterflies are powerless, dissolving like cotton flowers on a lake. Your heart might still be beating as fast as a rabbit’s, but you feel purpose coursing through your veins.

It takes you fifty steps to reach the mansion’s entrance, and by that time you feel the fog clouding your mind has been lifted. Besides the dryness of your throat, nothing else seems uncomfortable, even the heavy irouchikake isn’t as heavy as it was at the beginning of your ascent. You’ve never felt more present, more centered and grounded. All your doubts purged by the stairs, leaving you light but not faint.

You are exactly where you need to be.

Realizing that your lantern is unneeded, you place it gently in front of the stairs towards the door. You walk up, counting each of them. Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four.

The sliding door opens without any prompting, and you find yourself unsurprised. He is expecting a guest, after all—one that is supposed to stay forever. You look ahead, taking in the interior as much as you can without delaying your arrival too much. The god Tengu lives in the mansion of an emperor, which is arguably modest considering his godliness. A straight hallway lies in front of you, leading you to the next door.

Your chest responds as the door behind you closes, this time not a dull ache, but a more powerful shudder. Strangely enough, you don’t find it painful anymore.

——————————

Kiku is right—the room is large, a throne room for royalty. He sits in the middle, at the very end of the room, like a languid yet expectant royalty. To an unassuming person, he appears to be just as human as you are, no more than thirty years of age. He wears the finest of fabrics, the designs on his kimono lavish and grand. Like the rest of the room, he wears scarlet lots of black, including a feathery cape on his back. His seat on the carnelian dais is simple in comparison to how you imagine most thrones would look like, but it is the ceiling-high decorations and ornaments surrounding it, colored in red, black and gold, that makes it impressive.

No, that isn’t right. It is he who makes it impressive. Intimidating. Powerful.

Just like in the stories, he has a face of a hawk, except that it is a mask. It covers half of his face, revealing only his mouth and the lower part of his face to view. You notice there are no holes for his eyes to see—the only explanation is that he doesn’t need them. The swoop of the hawk’s bill forms a sharp silhouette that makes you wonder if it can cut through skin.

The mask can’t, but the real hawk on his shoulder most definitely can. It watches you with caution from its perch, its yellow eyes seemingly shining through black feathers. You notice two black dogs, one on each side, sitting just underneath his feet below the dais. Under their paws are brilliant red orbs, which look a lot like their blood eyes.

“Come closer.”

His voice booms even from so far away, and it doesn’t look like he’s trying to be loud at all. You find yourself unable to take your eyes off of him as you walk down the room. The beating of your heart in your ears are deafening on top of the silence. Is it because you are facing a god that your mortal body can’t take it? You might be filled with resolve, but it’ll meaning absolutely nothing should your heart decide to explode.

With his hands he lets you know that he wants you in front of him—he steps down from the dais, and at that moment you notice that the cape you thought he was wearing turns out to be a pair of broad wings. The air around you moves as they flap once, as if to stretch. He waits for you.

Standing in front of him, you find your self-awareness extremely heightened. He is taller than you, with wider shoulders and an unmistakable aura of inhuman authority. Despite all this, however, he does not extort any fear out of you at all. In fact, he is strangely... comforting. Like something you’ve known your whole life.

Kiku’s voice rings in your ears just then. He said your name... he wants you.

“The paper,” he says, holding out his hand. There are no echoes to his voice anymore.

You reach for the crumpled slip and took it out, giving it to him with both hands.

He receives it on his palm, and instantly the calligraphic character on it emits a strong light, beaming up holy rays to the ceiling. You feel your breath knocked out of you—your chest. It’s hot. And then, excruciating pain. Too much for you to bear, too agonizing you can’t make a sound, your mouth feebly opening in a silent scream. It spreads through your nerves and you can sense them so clearly like they’re burning paths on your skin. Your hands clutch your chest in fear of your heart bursting out of your ribcage. Tears begin to form in your eyes, closed from the sheer pain of it all.

A second later it’s over, the ‘marriage’ kanji returning to its dull ink color, and in that moment all the strength escapes your body. Everything—from the ascent, from your dream, from when the arrow first struck your home, from the years of your life before all this—they’ve all been let go from you, merely sands through your fingers. You’re about to fall face-first from the weakness in your knees but he knows, bringing you into his arms until you seem ready to stand on your own. His hands on your waist and back are pleasantly warm.

“Red looks exquisite on you.”

“Yes, but it isn’t so flattering on Kiku. Reverse that enchantment on her at once.”

“My, you’ve always been one fireball, haven’t you,” he replies with a chuckle. It reverberates from his chest to yours, and there’s something immediately calming about the sound. “It has been done,” he says, showing you the paper in his hand. It doesn’t look much different, but you can clearly notice the absence of its spiritual force. You felt it first-hand.

As you slowly depart from the security of his arms, trying to regain your bearings, you feel his hand on your forehead.

“You are still warm,” he declares, emotions unreadable from under the mask. “We shall continue this somewhere more appropriate for you to rest.” He knows you have much to discuss with him—he is a god, after all. At this point, nothing should surprise you.

“I’m fine,” you quickly say, and it suddenly strikes you that you’re not sure how to address him.

“Tengu is the name given to the people for them to worship me. To those who are in equal standing as I, I am called Nobunaga. You are my bride,” his hand wills you to look up, a finger under your chin, “thus you are my equal.”

His bride. It hasn’t sunk in yet, but somehow the title is now more palatable than when you first heard it. As if it were destined. You blink, hoping for the thought to go away. Perhaps being in close quarters with a god makes it easier for him to make you feel more inclined to his wishes?

But ‘Nobunaga’... how odd. It sounds like it could be the name of any other man in the village. You look at where his eyes are supposed to be behind the mask.

“Are you going to read my mind throughout the entirety of this meeting?”

“Only to warm you up,” he says, lips curling into a dangerous smirk. He turns around, walking towards a sliding door. With the pain in your chest completely gone, you follow closely behind.

#1.5k #hanayome #sfw #elievalentine #oda nobunaga #nobunaga x reader #reader insert #female reader #au #ikemen sengoku #ikesen #cybird #imagine #imagines #scenario

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shittyfandomimagines · 5 years

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A Family

I’ve been so sick so I’m sorry for being inactive

Word count: 1,774

Flufffff glalore

GIF creds to owner

“Hey, are you ready to go?” Luke peaked his head into the room. I finished braiding the end of my hair, I pull pieces out of the side. I nod and turn toward him once I’m done, he had a huge grin.

“What?” I ask and he just shakes his head. “You’re just beautiful.” He sighs contently and my heart raced still. Even after a year of marriage and 3 years of dating, he still makes my heart do the thing. “You’re so cute.” I lean up to kiss his cheek. “No stop! This is about you and you look so fucking good.” He twirls me around, my sundress lifting with the wind.

“Okay, we’re going to be late.” I stop myself from indulging in this moment. “Do I look overdressed for a family gathering?” He asks and I look him up and down. “Yes, very. This isn’t the AMA’s babe.” I joke and he sighs, going to the closet.

“Here’s the keys, I’ll meet you down there.” He says and throws the keys to me. “Okay, I’ll lock the front door and you can come out of the garage door,” I say as I leave the room, I was still smiling at his playfulness today.

I sat in the driver's seat, I had already put our

P!ATD cd in the player. Luke opened the driver door abruptly and my heart was freaking dying. “I didn’t say you had to drive, I feel bad now.” He had his arms propped on top of the opening, he was leaning down to match the height difference.

“Why feel bad? I’m a big girl Luke.” I joke and he was basically dragging me to the other side. He closes the door and runs back around. “Because I can’t hold your thigh or hand the same way, it’s not the same when I’m in the passenger seat.” He says as he backs up out of the garage, once he was heading down the Main Street, his hand found its spot on my thigh.

“See, look how well it fits and I didn’t even do it on purpose. I’m a creature of habit.” He shrugs his shoulders but I saw the smirk. “Well, you are a creature, a different one for sure,” I mumble and he grabs my thigh lightly. “Baby got jokes today.” He seethes playfully and I shrug. “Maybe.” I drawled out the last part of the word. “We’re a mess.”

——

“Liz!” I was more excited to see her before Luke, I mean I love this woman. “Babydoll, how are you doing? This guy treating you right?” She asks as she hits Luke’s chest, I laugh. “He’s pretty awful to me,” I say as I stick my tongue out to him. “He better not be, he may be tall now but I’ll whoop his butt.” She jokes along and he pouts.

“My wife of 1 year is already replacing me as favorite.” Luke whines and I smile slyly. “Aw Luke, bold assumption. She’s been my favorite since you brought her home years ago.” She says as she gives him a little pat on the arm before heading toward the kitchen.

“He’s pretty awful to me,” Luke mocks my voice and I laugh loudly, my head going back some. “I’m sorry,” I pout and he turns his cheek to me. “I do not forgive, bye.” He stomps off dramatically towards the kitchen and I knew he was playing with me.

I ignore his little antics and sit beside one of Lukes cousins. “Y/n, it’s been forever! I haven’t seen you since Gabe’s 2nd birthday party!” Melissa hugs me and I hug her back tightly. “Where is he?” I asked excitedly as she looks around. “He ran off somewhere, he’ll be back soon because I have his juice.” She waves it around in her hand and I smile.

“Good, I miss that little monster. He’s almost three, isn’t he?” I ask and she nods. “2 weeks away, he loves talking and dinosaurs.” She explains and my heart erupts. “No way! I’m sorry we haven’t caught up!” I exclaim and she shakes her head.

“Hey, you’ve had an exciting year, I felt bad for missing the wedding but Brody was in England for work while we were staying in the states at that time.” She explains and I nod curtly. “Have you guys moved again?” I ask I knew her husband did a lot of traveling for his job.

“We settled in Sydney, his work signed him here for at least 3 years.” She explains and I squealed. “We need to drink coffee every week, have Gabe over one night so you can enjoy time with Brody. I’m so excited!” I basically yelled. “Me too! I’m ready to be those Instagram girls who post their drinks and kids.” She jokes and I high-five her.

“Mommy! Juice!” Gabe comes running down the hall, I smile widely when I hear his voice. “Gabe, how are you, sweet boy!” I exclaim once he came to me instead of his mom, I sit him in my lap. He started kissing all over my face and I saw Melissa taking pictures. “I miss you!” He hugs my neck and I swear my heart could’ve burst.

“I’ve missed you too, can I come to your birthday? I haven’t seen you in one year!” I squish his little cheeks. “Please? Mommy please?” He looks over to Melissa and she nods with a smile. “Mommy said yes, can you bring Wuke.” The way he said Luke made me giggle some.

“I’ll see if he’ll come with me, sometimes he’s a really silly boy.” I joke and he belly laughs. “Can you play outside with me?” He changed the subject and I stand up with him in my arms.

I walk to the backyard with him, putting him down right in front of the door. He goes running outside and I knew I couldn’t keep up. “Y/n come on!”

I go running to the swings that Liz set up months ago for Jacks kids. I sit on one beside his and we swing in rhythm, he was still giggling and making me happy.

I absolutely love kids! I babysat for years and I just needed children around me constantly. I even went into child psychology because I knew I wanted to help kids.

Before I know it, Gabe was on to the next game. He grabbed my hands and just pulled at them as a sign to get up. When I stand, he was pulling me towards the empty spot of grass.

He only wanted to dance and it made me smile, we were spinning around happily. I’d grab his hands and dance with him some. I would do a lot to make sure that the smile was still there.

A loud knock at the door made us both jump in fright, I look over and Luke’s huge frame was at the door. He made a motion that it was time to eat. I tell Gabe as I took his hand and led him outside, Luke had already disappeared.

“Gabe let’s wash our hands first before we eat.” I softly demand, he goes into the bathroom first. I boost him up so I could help him wash his hands. It was so adorable when he started to sing the ABCs to time his washing.

He runs out as I wash my hands, I dry them off and turn off the light. I step out and a yell accompanied by a tight grip made me yelp. “Luke!” I punch his chest and he was laughing harder than he should’ve. “Baby, I’m sorry.” He said while laughing like it made his apology more sincere?

“I hate you.” I shake my head and start to walk past him, but his grip stops me. “Can we talk for a second?” My heart dropped slightly because his mood changed quickly.

“Yeah babe, spill it.” I take both his hands in mine. He was slowly pulling us toward the backdoor, we stop on the porch part. “I need to know something, not in a bad way at all.” He calmed my nerves a little.

He gave me a soft look before stepping closer to me, his arm around my waist lightly. “You love kids, right?” He asks shyly and it made me laugh. “Well it is my day job plus you already know I love kids. What’s gotten into you today?” I ask and push his wild curls back some.

“I mean would you love kids with me?”

I started to think of a miniature Luke, girl or boy, running down the hall with the attitude of his. Their curls bouncing as the jump up and down when Luke comes home from work. Him singing them to sleep or calm them down. The way he’d love them, it made my heart prance.

“You’ve got that silly grin on your face babygirl, are you about to mock me?” He asks sadly and I shake my head.

“Luke, I was thinking of our kids and how much love you’d give them. Of course, I’d have kids with you, we’re married and god I’m the luckiest to have you. But if I had the chance to have your kids, see your love for them, and experience that, God I’d give anything.” I caress his cheekbones.

“Really?” I nod to him. “Luke, I love you and we’re married. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else but our children. Why wouldn’t I want your kids?” I ask and he chuckles.

“See when I think of the reasoning, it sounds so dumb. It’s just that we’ve never talked about it and I’ve wanted a family with you for a long time. So when I saw you with Gabe, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to ask.” He admits and I lean up to kiss his lips softly.

“I’d be honored to make a family with you, just as long as you can handle the hormones.” I kid with him and he pecks my lips softly. “I think I can handle it, I mean it’ll be worth it in the end.” He kisses me again.

I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him once more, he pushes my body into his. He tries to make the kisses rougher but I push him away. “We’re not trying for a family here, maybe later. C’mon, they’re gonna start asking questions.” I tug his arm and he groans. “Fine!”

“Wait one more.” He says before turning me to him again, kissing my lips quickly, I smiled.

“What a dork.”

hey guys so so I have a Redbubble account and I’m really trying to sell stuff, if I put it on here would anyone be interested. If not I’m sorry for this horrible promotion

#luke hemmings #lukehemmings #luke hemmings imagines #lukehemmingsimagines #luke hemmings blurb #lukehemmingsblurb #luke hemming masterlist #lukehemmingsmasterlist #luke hemmings fluff #5sos writing #5sos blurbs #5sos imagines #5sos masterlist #5sosblurbs #5sosimagines #5sosmasterlist

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red-eli · 4 years

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RED RANTS PART VIII

Hey guys!

Sorry for my absence. Life hasn't been that great lately. I can't remember if I ever mentioned I have a 3 year old Down Syndrome cousin that's living with us cause her mother (my maternal aunt) passed away 2 years ago and the little one has been very sick and we don't know what's wrong. She's fluctuating between fevers and hypothermia for a week now and doctors can't find a reason and since she is a Down baby infections and colds are a forever presence with her so I have been pretty down lately. I promised not to use this to vent anymore but it just makes me feel a lot better and I'm sorry to who ever reads this. I just...

Anyhow, that's one of the main reasons I've been inactive among other things but I promise next year I'll be better.

Happy new year and merry late Christmas guys!

Red Out!

#red rants #depression #down syndrome #writers block #new year #chritsmas #update soon i swear

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skinnycoldbrewlatte · 5 years

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Life Update

Sooo, I haven‘t been very active this past days, sorry for that but I had a cousin over for a week and was occupied with that.

The food/eating:

We were mostly eating out for lunch/dinner and breakfast was always something suuuper high calorie/unhealthy. So yes I gained weight and feel like shit. I feel fat, shitty, dumb, ashamed and disgusting. I feel like my body is full of toxins. I gained a lot of weight... the last time I checked it was 64.something. (I was at 61.8kg). I had a lot of late night hinges and extreme hunger... I was eating constantly to the point of feeling sick.

Tomorrow I am going to restrict. I usually restrict at 400-500 cals but because I have an exam and I have to have energy for studying I will be eating 900-1000. Trying to keep it low at 900. Maybe breakfast a few minutes before studying with 500/600 cals and at night some broth and veggies with some dip like hummus...

My feelings/anxiety/...:

Well, as already mentioned I have an exam in less then a week (first day of school), because I failed a class and have to pass this exam in order to pass the class and I am really getting stressed about it. I can’t be that occupied with my ed and tumblr... so I’ll be inactive for a few days longer (sorry guuuys). I will do weight updates and maybe what-I-eats. If not I will do one big post after exam day. I am also really scared of the coming school year. I have an awful time table. I am staying 3x/week from 8am-6pm, once from 8am-4pm and once from 9am-12:30pm. The shirt day is great but the 3 long days are going to fuck me hard. I also have lots and lots of labs to do and also have to be a greaaat students this year with my ed in the back of my mind. It is going to be hard an I am scared I’ll fail.

This past week I was eating maybe 2500-3500. I felt shitty... yes. But I also had soooo much energy and really enjoyed the moments in between food. I was laughing and walking a lot (20000+ steps/day) and I never was tired... I mean I was exhausted from walking a lot but not this tired you get from not eating... I really am going to miss those moments. Sitting with friends, laughing, enjoying fav food and eating out together. But it’s restricting time because I gained a lot so yeahhhhhhh 👍🏼

See you soon, love you, please take care ❤️

#anorexia #bulimia #anorexia nervosa #eating disorder #essstörung #thinspiration #thinspo #bulimie #magersucht #bulimia nervosa

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stimmyvillainarchive · 5 years

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hey actually I know I’ve been joking around but I’mma. explain a few things cause I’ve been internally avoiding this topic for awhile cause I feel like I’m being an attention seeker if I go into detail about things. But uh friends are starting to notice lately I’ll explain. I’ll put it under the cut for anyone who doesn’t wanna read my icky stuff. Also y’all started sending in fun/chill asks while I was in the middle of writing this so sorry if it seems like it’s come out of left field.

(tw for religion/christianity/religious abuse and LGBT+phobia/transphobia/panphobia)

First I wanna say I’m sorry for my eratic, often non-stim related activity on this blog. I’ve mentioned being depressed but I haven’t really gone into detail. Some of y’all know the situation with my dad leaving and me having to work to pay for the bills. Good news is that shit has been for the most part resolved. my dad’s actually back and we patched up our relationship. I actually talk to him and communicate with him and him and my mom have worked things out. Which is nice cause now we’re all working and we’re all getting along better. So that’s nice.

But uh, during this time I started going to a church my mom and grandma attend. And I was kinda. a big deal there. I don’t wanna get into specifics but basically a lot of people know me now for it. And they made me feel special and good about myself. This part I know I talked about here before but uh. I wanted to be baptized on easter. And the guy who was going to do my baptism basically told me that either I break up with boo and go through what is essentially THEIR version of conversion therapy or he won’t do the baptism. that may not sound like anything to you but that. that shit fucked me up. really bad. I really trusted the people there and I opened up in a way I hadn’t before and now I just feel. like I’m disgusting when I’m openly queer or don’t conform to cis standards. Which was an issue I had worked out and now I’m going through all over again. I can talk about it some days but then others I feel like I gotta. shut up about it. It’s easier to talk about it online but irl it’s been much harder. And unfortunately the people at the church know where I work so on top of working a job I absolutely hate with a manager that DOES NOT like me, I’m constantly paranoid that someone’s going to walk in and recognize me (it’s already happened, but I’m scared to death someone like the person who was going to do my baptism will show up. I can’t tell you how fucking scary it is when the guy who would only speak to you privately and in a secluded area that you need to give up your gay in order to truly be a Christian knows where you work and where you live.) and honestly, I’m just plagued with neverending anxiety at this point. And it’s affected how I just. function. I don’t eat much anymore and I rarely get more than an average of 2-3 hours of sleep. I just realized today that for the past two days I’d eaten nothing but a hot pocket and a slim jim. Most of the time my anxiety makes me so sick to my stomach that eating feels impossible so I just. don’t. As for sleep I don’t really sleep because I’ve had constant and repeated nightmares so every time I hit rem I’m not in for long before I’m jolted awake. Last night was the first I’d actually slept for an appropriate time in months.

I’m dealing with a lot of shit rn, a lot of it is just. self loathing. So I’ve lost enjoyment in doing things that makes me happy cause I just don’t feel I deserve to be happy. Saying it out loud should make me. idk. know how to deal with it but it doesn’t. There’s been more than just the shit with the church and I’ve realized I’m kinda an idiot! and no one wants to deal with me because I’m too depressed and because I don’t act allistic. And before you throw in your “I like you!” asks 1. I’m not looking for sympathy and please don’t take this as a pity party, I’m just trying to explain things and 2. I don’t need people to lie for me or exaggerate things for me. Y’all don’t know what I’m like irl. I don’t follow social situations well, I mess up a lot, I’m too clumsy, I’m too much of a downer, I don’t wanna do anything anymore. It’s fine, I wasn’t cut out for this shit and I wouldn’t wanna deal with me either. No one owes me their time, affection, whatever. I’m not entitled to anyone’s praise. So, it’s cool. I’m just coming to grips with how much I really don’t like myself.

And uh. After that experience with the church I lost my faith. I no longer consider myself a christian and losing my belief in the one thing I felt I could always trust has further ruined me. Every christian community I’ve tried to participate in has rejected me for who I am. And I’ve just come to realize I don’t believe in the same stuff that Christianity teaches. I won’t go into super big details about my beliefs but yeah. These people would consider me a godless heathen at this point. And now I feel irrational anger or want to cry at christianity/topics about it. Which when you live in a Christian household with gospel music constantly playing and reminders about how much this god wants you to die for being a nasty faggot well, that shit is hard to deal with.

So yeah. I know right after this I’m gonna act more chill and more like my “who gives a fuck” self or. whoever the fuck he is. But people have noticed I don’t talk much anymore and that I haven’t been very active here. And I’m sorry about how inactive the blog’s been lately. Idk if this’ll forever be on a hiatus, I’d like to do more here again. But I don’t do anything anymore. The most I’ve done is draw something for elly and that’s about it. Cause now every time I try to make something I enjoy all I can think about is how stupid it is and how stupid I am for wanting to enjoy it and then I end up doing nothing all day or I go to work and then come back and do nothing. so in the meantime I’m sorry if all I do is bitch or make stupid posts, I’m trying to communicate more before I eventually lose the will to try. and I’m sorry if this post makes things awkward because I’m about to answer more positive asks and act okay right after I post this, but I’ve been avoiding being honest about this for awhile and my anxiety got so bad today that the only thing that’s alleviated it has been writing this. So, I’m sorry to the people who I made worry or that it seems I’ve ignored. I’m not trying to ignore anyone, but I honestly can’t muster the energy to just simply interact with people lately. I don’t think I’ll be abandoning this blog but idk if I’m ready to manage it properly like I used to. idk when I’ll BE ready but I’m sorry to those who’ve had to deal with my bullshit and lack of stims lately.

TL;DR: I’m in a deep depression because the church I attended/was passionate about/was a big deal in rejected me for being queer, I’m in a constant state of anxiety and/or despair, I no longer enjoy doing anything, I hate myself, I work a job I hate, and I’m going to go back to acting like shit’s okay but people were suspecting something was wrong and they’re starting to worry so here’s my explanation.

#not stim #Joker speaks #vent #long post #religion tw #LGBT+phobia tw #transphobia tw #panphobia tw #ask to tag #Mod Joker

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