#of trauma it just was awful in that regard. but like at this point i don’t give a fuck because life happens and i’m fine

[caineinthecorner]

Hi. I binged like 80 chats in a row and I have opinions(tm) about physical strength and general power stuff of the brothers. Mostly just strength related things, but I tried to cover most of their battle stuff.

Yes I know, yes I know, "they're ranked as siblings by power blabla", but that's LAME. So here are my personal takes mostly for fun. Canon is dead and I ate it.

Also I finished the dividers and general aesthetics of this blog woo

★ Lucifer.

Generally the strongest, period, can and WILL kill almost anyone without much issue or even second thought

Physical strength, however? He’s not the best, as he doesn’t rely on it at all for battle / conflict

He didn't need it in heaven, after all

(Beel was his brawns and he was already a powerful angel so it never was a requirement)

I don't see him actively working out (anymore, at least), so most of his strength is merely his baseline

His main tactic conflict wise is intimidation.

Cough giving MC death threats cough

Very prideful of himself in battle, obviously

Rarely would ever use any sort of dirty tricks

Would probably prefer to go down the "honorable way"

Target his brothers though and he WILL play every trick in the book with little regard to his pride or his own life

This fuck looks like he knows swordsmanship and is probably the only of the brothers who does so

(except maybe Satan who is learning just to copy / be better than him)

Either that or he knows fancy sword dances for angel rituals he cannot partake in anymore (and doesn't do them anymore)

Diavolo has photos of him doing said dances but his lips are triple sealed since it is a heavily touchy subject

★ Mammon.

Canonically this man is physically weak (or at least has a weak complexion / scrawny arms)

Probably the most disappointing in terms of strength because he is literally the second born

His saving grace is his unholy speed and dirty tricks, using it to cover his weaknesses / lack of physical strength.

A LOT of dirty tricks and bs magic stuff. So so many. Never ends

He’s the living embodiment of the “random bullshit go!!!” meme

You know Looney tunes? Yeah this man has the Bugs bunny's levels of bullshit

But he has the best stamina out of his brothers (so he can run away from his debts)

Doesn't train because he's already perfect as it is (<- that's his ego talking he can barely pick up the weights at Beel's gym)

Honor is for the dead type of person. Nothing is out of the table in battle

(^ that makes him terrifying to fight against btw)

He either tries to intimidate (imitating Lucifer) or sweet-talk his way out of conflict

It usually just pisses off his adversary more which actually leads to the fights starting, but hey, he tried 乁⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠_⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠ㄏ

★ Leviathan.

Physical strength is shit.

he will get his shit kicked if he tries to brawl with almost anyone

Except maybe the lowest hanging fruit (humans)

Magical or general strength is decent, but he's definitely not the greatest in battle out of the brothers

^ he's kinda insecure about this and he wishes he were stronger (he sulks about it)

Wishes that actual irl battles were like Fire Emblem or strategy games bcs he's actually good in those

Update: I didn't make it clear (mb lol) but I see him as the best strategist of the brothers by far, he just isn't good at front-line action

^ Being away from the front lines keeps the pressure away from him for the most part, and it avoids him getting riled up and acting rash

He once tried to workout with Beel but quickly got overwhelmed because Beel shoved 200kg weights onto him thinking it was an reasonable starting point

So he kinda has trauma(tm) about it

Despite his garbage physical prowess, he WILL start fights and get riled up easily

He goes onto his demon form immediately when he wants to fight

^ bcs his strength isn't great, and he needs any boost he can get

Plus, awful anger management

My man will get onto a fist fight with the demon equivalent of a redditor over anime waifus and he will lose

★ Satan.

As the literal embodiment of Wrath, he does pack quite a punch and will maul you to death with only his fists. No problems at all

But that's merely his baseline strength (which is a lot) since he doesn’t really train physically

Probably focuses on other areas (read: intelligence) instead of physical strength.

Which is ironic because he could kick Lucifer's ass in a fist fight if he actually trained more

But oh well. Books do be booking

Surprisingly strategic while in fights, although not above Going Apeshit

Funnily enough the least likely of the brothers to enter a fight

Has read The Art Of War and will quote it just to be a smartass

★ Asmodeus.

Physically? Weak.

Probably the weakest of the brothers, having more or less the strength of a human (and on the weaker side of that).

He doesn’t train whatsoever; Likes his slender figure and muscles “ruin” that.

However, he makes up for it on the "trickster" scale.

As the Avatar of Lust, he will probably go the charm route instead of wanting to directly fight his enemies, or he make someone else do the dirty work for him.

Think of Mammon but make it a bit less scummy, tricks wise.

His go-to is sweet talk.

Something something the Avatar of Lust being physically weak since sex is considered an act of vulnerability and therefore the lowering of one’s guard something something

Something something the poetic narrative of the Avatar of Lust having only power through Communication something something

★ Beelzebub.

Contrary to Asmo; he does lift for days and can pack quite the punch, being one of the stronger brothers physically despite being one of the youngest.

I don't see him caring much for magic or other types of strength, he is content in packing the punch and has the capabilities to back him up.

Fight wise he will probably punch the problems away

Maybe use one or two tricks he’s learned

Mostly relies on his intuition and gut and it surprisingly works out

Nothing fancy; Dictionary definition of all muscle no brain battle wise

Literally one of the scariest brothers to ever fight he will actually beat you to a bloody pulp

And make a smoothie out of it

★ Belphegor.

This fucker doesn't lift at all you can't tell me shit

At MOST he'll accompany Beel to the gym and would sleep at the benches

The strength he has is the strength he was born with

Which isn't a lot, but still above human average by quite a lot

More or less demon standard of strength. Maybe a slightly below it

But he's still above most demons by a mile in other regards, mostly magic prowess

He's stronger than Levi because I think it would be hilarious that the dude who sleeps all day is stronger than him

(or you can make him really physically strong just because it'd be funny to see the sleepy dude kick ass)

(either way is funny as shit go ham)

★ Physical strength chart

Behemoth type strength :

Beel (only barely)

Lucifer

Satan

High / Low above human average :

Mammon

Belphie (low diff w/ mammon)

Levi

Asmo

★General strength chart

Can kill hundreds no effort :

Lucifer

Satan (If apeshit)

Are not as strong but still terrifying :

Mammon

Beel

Belphie

Levi, Asmo (Tie)

#obey me #obey me! shall we date? #obey me shall we date #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me headcanons #obey me hcs #caineshcs #gentle reminder that i am noy saying that they're weak #all the demon brothers are stupid strong and the best of the best for a reson #i am saying that some are *physically* weak #but even then they're almost all HIGH above the human average #i can't believe i have to make this clear but oh well

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, chapter 57 of Saezuru!

So, we're at an impasse again.

I don't want to see anyone shitting on Yashiro here, though I know inevitably there's going to be people doing that, and probably people shitting on Doumeki, too. I think what people need to constantly remind themselves of while reading this story is that, at it's heart, it's a story about trauma, and the difficulty, sometimes near impossibility, of ever fully overcoming that trauma.

I know some people are going to talk badly about Yashiro's reaction to Doumeki, regarding especially the moment when he pushes Doumeki away from him. They're going to grow frustrated and say he's sending Doumeki mixed messages, etc, etc... But Doumeki is also doing the same.

Doumeki, at this point, seems to me to be operating out of frustration, while Yashiro is still operating out of fear.

I felt like the pivotal moment of this chapter came after Doumeki turns Yashiro around and, for just a moment, lets his mask drop. When Yashiro makes his comment to him about him "making a face like (he) wants to do it really badly", I felt like Doumeki had an opportunity here that he blew. I'm not blaming Doumeki, let me just say right off, so that nobody misunderstands what I mean. But I think Doumeki still doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Yashiro. I think he thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's not. Doumeki saw Yashiro's earlier moment of pushing him away when he started kissing and licking at his leg, when he was being gentle with Yashiro, and I think likely took Yashiro's comment about the face he was making as a mocking statement.

The awful part here is, it was a statement made in earnest.

So was Yashiro's reaction to pushing Doumeki away.

Yashiro is still triggered by gentle treatment. Look at his face when Doumeki starts licking at his leg, as he remembers four years earlier, to the first time they had sex. His expression is horrified. He's scared. He's traumatized. He's giving a trauma response to what's happening. You can tell by his reaction after pushing Doumeki away that it wasn't even a conscious thing he did. His body just reacted. He has this wide-eyed, shocked look, like he doesn't know what just happened.

And then Doumeki lets his frustration and probably some anger dictate his response, which is to manhandle Yashiro onto his stomach and take him from behind. Again, it's really important to watch Yashiro's reactions here to understand what's going on with him, I think.

Once again, his face is stricken. You can tell he doesn't want this at all. He even looks frightened for a moment, and then in pain as Doumeki pushes into him.

The thing is, Doumeki doesn't want this either, but like I said before, I think he's operating out of a place of frustration and anger. He lets his frustration with Yashiro's seemingly contradictory behavior push him to be forceful with Yashiro. But it doesn't last long. Doumeki then turns him again onto his back, and that's the moment he lets his mask drop, and Yashiro makes his comment about his expression.

Again, I think it's vital to understanding what's going on with Yashiro to also pay attention to his own expressions. He reaches for Doumeki's face, and smiles at him, and the look in his eyes is very soft. You can tell he means it, what he says to Doumeki, and you can tell he genuinely longs for it, for Doumeki to look at him the way he once did, with that gentle kindness and genuine desire.

If Doumeki understood what was really at the heart of Yashiro's issues, I don't think he would have reacted the way he did. He makes a mistake here when he pulls Yashiro's hand away, and even squeezes down painfully on it. Yashiro's reaction is one of confusion. He doesn't understand why Doumeki is suddenly back to being cold. He says "Huh?", when Doumeki tells him "What a nostalgic thing to say.", before once again forcefully pinning him down. Again, I think Doumeki thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's seriously not. His response to Doumeki's gentility is a trauma response. He's still triggered by that kind of treatment, while simultaneously longing for it. He doesn't mean to be sending Doumeki mixed messages. This is what I mean when I say people need to keep in mind that this story is, at its core, about trauma and the ways it manifests. His responses to Doumeki aren't a conscious thing on Yashiro's part. He can look back at them retrospectively and think about them, like he does at the end of this chapter, but in the moment, I don't think it's voluntary at all. I think if Doumeki had taken that opportunity to just be honest with Yashiro, to tell him how he really feels, it would have been met with honesty from Yashiro in turn, because I don't think Yashiro is being dishonest at this point. I think his responses to Doumeki are all real. He says at the end of the chapter "I'm full of contradictions", a direct callback to when Yashiro was a teenager and he thought the same about himself. He's both genuinely triggered by Doumeki's gentility, and at the same time, wants it desperately.

The heartbreaking thing here is, Yashiro is blaming himself for fucking it all up again. He compares himself to livestock that can't change, and says he's completely incapable of growth. Yashiro's self-loathing is on full display. He really believes he'll never be able to move past the seeming contradictions inside him, contradictions he's felt since he was a boy. The longing for love, the deep desire to be loved, and yet, because of the severe abuse he suffered, his inability to receive that love without succumbing to a terrified, panicked response. It's Yashiro's trauma, rooted in what his stepfather did to him for years, that's preventing him from fully embracing Doumeki's love. He wants to, but he can't.

And that's the thing, too. Yashiro has always been aware of the contradictions in himself. He spoke about it as a teenager, about how he wanted to hurt Kage, but how he knew he would be hurt if Kage rejected him. That's where Yashiro misunderstood himself, though. He never wanted to hurt Kage. That was Yashiro's warped perception of himself, the part of him that thinks he wants to destroy beautiful things. It's not that. He's always just been afraid because affection triggers him, and so he convinced himself he wants to be abused, that it's his fault he's been abused because of that, as a means of coping with the way that abuse has destroyed him.

Exacerbating all of it is Doumeki's refusal to drop his mask of indifference. Again, I'm not blaming Doumeki. He's understandably frustrated, and I think starting to become angry, because he thinks it's simply a situation in which Yashiro is refusing to be honest with him about his feelings. He thinks Yashiro is messing with him, so he responds by pretending like he feels nothing for Yashiro. I don't think he realizes that he's only affirming for Yashiro his own fears that he's managed to turn Doumeki against him, that he lost Doumeki's love for him by pushing him away before, which only makes it all the harder for Yashiro to, essentially, ask for help. And Yashiro needs help. He can't do this on his own. He can't process his trauma and explain what's happening to him, explain what he's feeling, without understanding.

I don't think Doumeki understands Yashiro right now. I don't think he understands what's wrong with him.

Yashiro thinks about Doumeki with Izumi, and thinks about himself as a teenager, alone, and correlates his seeming inability to change with that aloneness. Doumeki has moved on from him, he believes, he's found an emotional connection and partner in Izumi, while Yashiro remains stuck in the same place, forever destined to be cut off and isolated from all, human affection.

He needs help. He needs someone to help him work through this, to cope with the fact that he both longs for kindness, gentility and love, while those things also terrify and repulse him and trigger a flight response in him. Yashiro isn't doing this on purpose. He's not lying. His natural inclination and desire for love and kindness is coming into direct conflict with his trauma, with the way those things, as a consequence of the abuse he's endured, have rendered love and kindness triggering to him.

I don't think Doumeki can help him until he figures out that Yashiro isn't being dishonest, but that he's trapped by his own trauma. Until he figures that out, until he realizes just how damaged Yashiro is, he's going to keep pretending he doesn't care about him, either as a punishment, or in some crude attempt to force him into acknowledging his feelings, which ultimately is having the opposite effect. It's only pushing Yashiro into a deeper hole of self-loathing and fear, only reaffirming for him every negative thought and feelings he's ever had about himself.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #chapter 57 #Yashiro #Doumeki #spoilers #meta #analysis #commentary

[deliciousangelfestival]

Secret Sorrows || 4 -B.Barnes

Summary: Former special ops, Bucky, seeks solace in a cold refuge to escape his past. However, his haunted history catches up, unraveling mysteries that persist relentlessly.

Series Masterlist

Thank you to anyone who gave a like, reblog, and left a comment. It motivated me to write more. 

Main Masterlist || support: Ko-fi

Monday. It was the first day of the week, a day that dawned not just for the adults who had to rise early for work, but also for the children.

Ethan grumpily buttoned up his school uniform shirt, realizing it was time for him to continue his studies. His mood soured further as he watched his aunt, who didn't utter a word to him, only stroking his hair before slipping into her car.

He crossed his arms and puffed his cheeks in frustration. Couldn't she at least say something to him?

From the rear window of the car, Bucky caught sight of Ethan's grumpy expression, likening him to a disgruntled hamster.

"I thought you liked to study?" Bucky asked, noting how diligently Ethan applied himself to his studies. Despite being just seven years old, Ethan focused intensely like his aunt.

If it weren't for the butler placing their meals in front of them, Bucky mused, both Ethan and Y/N might only eat once a day.

Ethan replied, "It's great, but I don't like the kids. They're childish."

Bucky nearly choked on his surprise. Of course, the other children were childish; it was an elementary school.

As their car arrived at the private school, where attendance was reserved for children with influential parents or those who had made significant donations, the security measures were top-notch, with some students even accompanied by their own bodyguards. Bucky noted with a raised eyebrow that the school even employed a sniper.

Straightening his shirt and adjusting his bag, Ethan muttered, "Here we go."

Offering reassurance, Bucky said, "I'll be nearby if you need anything."

"Okay," Ethan replied, his tone tinged with uncertainty.

Entering his classroom, Ethan was immediately surrounded by classmates offering their condolences. Bucky observed from a distance, noting Ethan's warmth and camaraderie with his peers, silently relieved that Ethan had good friends by his side.

Soon, Bucky discovered the reason behind Ethan's reluctance to attend school. In fencing class, a taller boy from another grade, Greyson, regarded Ethan as his rival, though Ethan didn't share the same sentiment.

Greyson constantly challenged Ethan, but Ethan, still grappling with some underlying trauma, found himself unable to respond.

Sensing Ethan's distress, Bucky intervened, only for Greyson to call upon his own bodyguard, escalating the situation further.

The clash between the bodyguards began. Bucky, unfamiliar with fencing techniques, relied instead on his instinctual combat skills. Despite Ethan's doubts about Bucky's abilities in fencing, Bucky couldn't afford to lose this battle today.

Disregarding the rules of the sport, Bucky unleashed his full capabilities, catching Greyson's bodyguard off guard. With a swift motion, Bucky's final attack sent the fencing sword hurtling through the air, narrowly missing embedding itself in the thick wall.

The spectators, including Greyson, watched in awe and fear, while Ethan's admiration for Bucky only grew.

Greyson, now intimidated, pointed a trembling finger at Bucky. "I’ll tell my father."

Bucky simply stood tall, his expression unyielding, ready to face whatever consequences lay ahead.

Because of Greyson, Bucky found himself in the same situation again, standing before Y/N. This time, however, she wasn't preoccupied with signing documents; instead, her focus was entirely on him. Bucky knew this meant he was in big trouble.

The situation reminded him of the time he and Iris were called to the supervisor's office and punished together.

Y/N placed her hands together before her lips, her expression unreadable. She had been on a conference call from abroad when she heard about Ethan's situation.

The silence made Bucky nervous until she finally uttered some words. “The last time it was the swimming coach, and now do you want to tell me why the senator is blaming my nephew's bodyguard for making his son cry?”

Bucky responded, his tone respectful but firm, “With all due respect, those children trying to bully Ethan are not just kids, but devil spawn.”

Y/N's secretary, Marie, coughed awkwardly upon hearing Bucky's words, while Y/N remained silent, her lips quirking into a small smirk. “You're always a troublemaker, aren't you?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow in confusion. Why did she say “always”? Once again, she left him feeling puzzled.

Y/N continued, her tone surprisingly lenient, “I'll let it go this time. The senator didn't make this a big deal since he knows Van Alen is one of his main sponsors.”

Bucky had expected her to be angry, but her reaction caught him off guard.

“If something like this happens again,” Y/N warned, her voice firm, “handle it quietly.”

Bucky smirked confidently. “Of course.” With that, he left her office.

Marie couldn't help but glance at the closed door. “You're too kind to him. Is it because he's handsome?”

Y/N shot her a glare that silenced Marie immediately.

Returning her attention to her work, Y/N picked up a pen and began signing a document. “Is everything prepared for dinner?” she asked casually.

Marie checked her tablet. “Yup, the food and beverages are ready, including your and Ethan's outfits.”

Ethan paced back and forth, his expression troubled, his mind consumed with worry about his bodyguard. Spotting Bucky, he rushed over to him. “Bro, is my aunt mad at you?”

Bucky shook his head. “Not really.”

A relieved sigh escaped Ethan's lips. “You're my bodyguard, but I always worry when my aunt calls you.”

Bucky couldn't help but chuckle softly at the boy's concern. Then, his gaze fell upon a semi-formal dress adorning a mannequin inside Ethan's wardrobe.

“Are you going somewhere? I didn't see it in your schedule,” Bucky inquired, curious about the unexpected attire.

Ethan turned to look at the mannequin. “Oh, my aunt has a guest coming for dinner.”

“Who?” Bucky asked, intrigued.

Ethan shrugged his shoulders. “Don't know. Usually, it was my parents who welcomed the guests.” His voice quivered slightly as he mentioned his parents, the pain of their absence still raw.

Bucky felt a pang of sympathy for the boy's loss. “Do you want to join the dinner?” he offered, hoping to provide some comfort.

Ethan nodded eagerly. “It's the only time I get to be with my aunt.”

Bucky sighed inwardly, his heart aching for the strained relationship between Ethan and Y/N. When would things get better for them?

********

At dinner time, Bucky discovered that Y/N had already welcomed the guest, and it was time for Ethan to join the table. As they approached, both Bucky and Ethan finally saw who the guest was. Bucky had expected someone older, but to his surprise, the guest was around the same age—a young man named Duke August Walker.

Ethan murmured, “He’s Duke August Walker,” informing Bucky of the guest's identity. August Walker was an oil tycoon whose company collaborated with Van Alen.

He had become acquainted with both families, and there were rumors of his interest in Y/N, which she had apparently declined.

Bucky's eyes widened slightly in recognition. August Walker— the name stirred memories. Bucky remembered him from their school days; they had attended the same school. He recalled their encounters, but their paths had never crossed closely.

Observing Y/N and August chuckling together, Bucky couldn't shake off a twinge of jealousy. He didn't understand why he felt that way, but the sight bothered him.

Walker noticed Ethan's arrival and greeted him warmly. "Hey there, big guy," he said, fist-bumping Ethan.

Ethan reciprocated the greeting politely before taking a seat near Y/N. Meanwhile, Bucky remained standing outside the dining room, still able to overhear their conversation.

Y/N engaged Ethan in conversation, their interaction warm and familial.

Observing their aunt and nephew interaction, Walker commented, “Now I understand why you didn’t answer my call.”

Y/N shot him a look. “You have a problem with that?” she countered.

Walker chuckled, unfazed. “No. In fact, I’m impressed you’re starting to act like a normal human.”

Ethan's grip on his utensils tightened as he hissed at August, clearly displeased by the remark.

Walker laughed softly before changing the subject. “Do you have any plans to send Ethan to Vanguard Academy?” he asked Y/N.

Bucky's breath hitched when he heard that name—the same Academy he and Iris attended. It was the place that had become his sanctuary when he felt alone in the world. There, he learned valuable lessons about skills, friendship, love, heartbreak, and betrayal.

The mention of Vanguard Academy stirred up a mix of emotions within Bucky. He disagreed with the idea of Ethan attending the academy, feeling that he was too young for such an environment.

While the academy catered to students from kindergarten to high school, most of the younger students lived in the same area. If Ethan were to study there, he would have to be separated from Y/N—a prospect that Bucky found unsettling.

As for Ethan, he had heard about the academy from his mother. He had seen her photo from her days as a student there. Although his mother didn't speak much about the institute, it was evident that she harbored some dislike towards it.

Ethan didn't want to live far away; he was afraid, especially after hearing his Aston family's grandfather mention their plans to send him to Vanguard Academy a few times.

Y/N responded to Walker's suggestion with firmness. “He doesn’t fit into that place. Who do you think you are to even consider sending my nephew?”

Walker raised his arms defensively. “Whoops, don’t get mad. I only mentioned it because Iris seemed to have the time of her life there.”

Y/N wiped her mouth with a napkin, her expression unreadable. “Do you want to discuss my nephew or business?” she asked pointedly.

Walker shifted uncomfortably. “You’re really different from Iris. But your business instinct is top-notch,” he remarked, attempting to steer the conversation back towards business.

The remainder of the evening passed in a flurry of business discussions between the adults, their voices filling the room with a serious undertone. After Duke August Walker departed, Y/N decided to check on Ethan.

Ethan, feeling the weight of sleepiness settling upon him, ran eagerly to his aunt, his arms outstretched in a silent plea for comfort. The weariness seemed to dissipate from his demeanor as he looked up at her with hopeful eyes, seeking solace in her presence.

Y/N raised a quizzical eyebrow at Ethan's sudden request for a hug. "What are you doing?" she inquired, her tone laced with curiosity.

"Please, give me a hug," Ethan implored softly, his voice tinged with a hint of longing.

Y/N regarded him with a mixture of confusion and tenderness, unsure of what had prompted this sudden need for affection. Nevertheless, she couldn't resist the innocence in his request.

Before she could utter another word, Ethan rushed into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. His warmth enveloped her, momentarily melting away the worries of the day.

Y/N's initial stiffness softened as she returned the embrace, though uncertainty still lingered in her movements. She wasn't accustomed to such displays of affection, especially from Ethan.

As they stood in the embrace, Ethan's voice barely above a whisper, he confessed, "I miss my mother."

Y/N felt a pang in her heart at his words, her own emotions mirroring his sorrow. She wished she could fill the void left by his mother's absence, but she knew she could never truly replace her.

In an attempt to offer some comfort, Y/N gently stroked his back, her touch tentative yet comforting. "Go to your room. I’ll read a bedtime story for you," she promised, her voice soft and reassuring.

Ethan's eyes brightened with gratitude at her offer. "Really?" he asked, a hint of excitement in his voice.

Y/N nodded, a small smile gracing her lips, and Ethan hurried off to his room, eager to prepare for their nightly routine.

Meanwhile, as Bucky helped Ethan select a book from the shelf, he noticed a slip of paper fluttering to the ground. Curiosity piqued, he bent down to retrieve it, and his heart skipped a beat when he realized what it was—a photograph.

This was a photo of him and Iris back at the academy. And why did Ethan have this photo?

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Author Note :

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[annabelle--cane]

Okay wait, in regards to the Steven Hannibal death match, people are all like, "Oh man, Steven could never kill Hannibal," but would Hannibal even want to kill Steven? First, Steven is very nice and polite and he's kind of a rube but he's not got bad manners, and Second, Steven has the most fucked up psychological trauma ever of "Yeah my mom died to make me but I still experience her traumatic memories and people literally think I'm her and my PTSD from fighting a war when I was 14 is manifesting in me turning pink and needing therapy." Like that shit sounds like catnip if you're Hannibal Lecter. You'd tell him to eat Steven and he'd be like "Oh I'd much rather pick this kid's brain for a few decades." Like it's basically Steven's MO that all the villains he meets, no matter how nasty, all have this latent urge to adopt him. I fully believe now if you sent these two into the death arena, you'd look inside and Steven would be trying to explain to Hannibal what the show Crying Breakfast Friends is about, while Hannibal tries to convince Steven to eat some of the food he cooked up and Steven is all like "Aw thanks, that's really sweet, but I'm a vegetarian."

for any death match questions, I tend to assume this is some kind of super smash bros situation where they are just going to fight, no questions asked bish bash bosh, but you make some compelling points. do you think hannibal could be convinced to learn to play the ukulele if it meant he got to spend more time studying one of the most psychologically unique people he's ever met.

#steven universe #hannibal #answered #oatmealaddiction

[keiriiz]

General Chrollo Headcanons!

I will be making a separate post for my romantic/relationship headcanons of him! I’m a bit nervous because I know I’m in the minority with some of my views however I’m up for making a second part to this as this definitely isn’t all, or even expanding on certain things if anyone’s interest. My request box is always open ✨

✥ Chrollo has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Aside from his childhood trauma, this can also affect his ability to identify and express his emotions. He’s also a master of masking, but if he’s out and overwhelmed, he’s definitely stimming with his fingers when he places his hands in his pockets.

✥ Chrollo Lucilfer and “Boss” started off as two different identities. Being the Head of the Phantom Troupe was merely another role however over the years, Chrollo started to lose his individuality. He’s gotten lost in the idea of being a villain that being himself sometimes feels foreign, or he might not recognize it when that side of him comes out. It wasn’t just Sarasa that died that day, but a piece of himself as well.

✥ Chrollo himself is a bit childish. He gets a small glint of genuine joy in his eyes when he’s talking about something he’s passionate about. Whether it’s a book series, the Power Cleaners, or certain species of arachnid. Seeing that side of him truly is something as it only comes out when he’s completely comfortable.

✥ On the other hand of that not, when he’s upset this also leads to him being pretty impulsive and making rather rash decisions. Chrollo is a master strategist but that can fall apart when pushed enough.

✥ Chrollo hums to himself when there’s a toon he’s fond of playing. Most times it’s subconsciously and he doesn’t even catch himself doing so unless it’s pointed out to him.

✥ This man hates crowds of people. Not being able to keep track of what everyone’s doing, the heat, the smell- It’s completely awful to him. It’s more overwhelming than most heists and if not on a job he will avoid them at all costs.

✥ Chrollo is very comfortable in his gender as a cis man but often indulges in things that are stereotypically feminine. Make up, painting his nails, even sporting a bit of women’s garments into his every day style.

✥ The Troupe as a whole is a found family of sorts, but Chrollo holds a particular closeness with the original members. The Spider he was closest with overall being Pakunoda.

✥ Given what we know about Nen, I believe Chrollo was born as a natural conjuror. Though with him changing as a person and honing his Nen for those three years, his aura adapted to specialization.

✥ Chrollo’s ethnicity is Japanese Italian. A true wasian man if I do say so myself. Though I feel he’s a bit more in touch with his Japanese heritage.

✥ He returns a lot to Meteor City outside of his Troupe affairs. He’s somewhat famous there and you bet there’s kids running up to him, gently tugging at his coat asking him to tell them about his “adventures”. Chrollo of course does so on his free time, sharing stories of their heists though somewhat spinning it to paint them as heroes akin to the Power Cleaners.

✥ Chrollo doesn’t kill innocent people unless they’re accidentally caught in the crossfire or truly it’s necessary like how he used the crowd in his fight with Hisoka.

✥ Chrollo suffers from insomnia due to being plagued by night terrors though aside from that he can honestly fall asleep anywhere if tired enough. It doesn’t matter if it’s the hair ground of the forest or a nice bed, he’ll make due.

✥ Of course if given a bed, you will definitely catch this man hugging/cuddling his pillow. And he definitely prefers to be completely smothered in blankets and pillows to feel like he’s been held. (I’ll say it now, he’s a little spoon)

✥ Chrollo is definitely a light weight when it comes to alcohol. He’s buzzed on two cheap beers so he’s always careful to restrain himself in that regard.

✥ He is a S class NERD. Chrollo will shame movie or show adaptations for their inaccuracies to their book counterparts. If someone brings up an obscure topic that he just so happened to read about, he’s making his knowledge known.

✥ Pretty much everyone is aware of Chrollo’s love for pudding but I’m here to say his love for sweets is endless. Cakes, ice cream, candies, chocolate- he literally can’t get enough. And bet your ass he’s suffered a deal of tooth pain during his younger years because of it. Though he’s good on his dental hygiene as an adult.

✥ Chrollo can naturally be quite competitive. Whether he’s playing chess or just entertaining a Troupe member’s game of hang man. He’s always going for the win.

✥ When he’s not masking, Chrollo’s genuine laugh is truly adorable. On the rare occasion he might even snort. (He’ll always deny that he did though)

✥ Being from Meteor City, Chrollo is on the most accepting and least judgmental people when it comes to LGBTQ, race, religion/culture, mental disorders, or any physical differences. He didn’t even know something like being gay or trans was looking down on in certain places of the world.

I hope you guys appreciate these. I truly can ramble about this man all day if you really want ❤️

#hxh #phantom troupe #hunter x hunter #chrollo #chrollo lucilfer #kuroro #kuroro rushirufuru #chrollo headcanons #headcanons #genei ryodan #pakunoda #hxh chrollo #hxh headcanons #i’m literally obsessed

[giac222]

I’m an Ashley Graves lover and defender till the end 🤞🏻🩷.

This is going to be a deep dive and a pretty long post, just a heads up! There’s a point in the beginning where I briefly discuss something else regarding TCOAAL because I felt that it ties in, but this post will mostly be focusing on Ashley + her experiences, and a little about how Andrew isn’t actually a doormat, not even close. 😶

Let’s get into it:

I adore her and I have the biggest soft spot for her, my empathy for her is through the damn roof. She’s a product of her environment, she wasn’t born the way she is (Andrew wasn’t either). It’s frustrating to see people claim she was born evil. I’d go as far to argue that she isn’t completely evil either. Her soul is the color of pitch black according to the demon in the game. But why is that? What caused it? The reason for this is because of how she’s been treated by everyone else around her throughout her whole life. It’s not like she asked or wanted to become a “tar soul”. Her environment made her sour, it made her hate people.. including herself.

After Ashley sacrifices the warden to the demon, when she’s thinking to herself, a text box comes up that says “You decide not to linger on the fact that your soul is apparently a vicious, pitch-black mess.” and after that we see another one that says “Guess you already knew that”.

I was thinking to myself, why the hell am I so attached to this character? Lmao. Why do I have such a huge soft spot for her? Then when I was thinking about it I realized it’s because I relate to some of what she’s been through. Especially her terribly low self-esteem that causes her to feel unlovable, ooo that hit home for me. For quite some time I dealt with that, and let me tell you, it truly is an awful feeling. It can make you very mean and bitter. It quite literally eats away at you. I’m 22 now and I’m able to reflect on those past experiences, that’s when I realized how bad it really was. When it comes to someone having poor self-esteem and not much self worth, it stems from somewhere. People don’t just randomly start hating themselves, there’s something that causes it to happen. It could be from a variety of things such as trauma, childhood experiences, comparison to others, and discrimination.

It truly sucks to see how many people online that seem to hate her (not on Tumblr, but almost everywhere else). Her backstory breaks my heart, it’s tragic, and it seems that people completely ignore what she’s gone through and what she STILL goes through.

I also hate that the game has kind of, in a way, become a meme due to the controversy. This game delves into very serious and depressing topics, so for losers online with 0 media literacy to water it down to “the incest game” is sooo agitating. This is just a personal opinion of mine, but I also feel as though the controversy made people play the game for the wrong reasons. Including a lot of “edgy” teenagers 😬. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that, I’ve touched on it before in a different post. I mean the amount of loud and wrong takes I’ve seen about the game… All I can do is shake my head 💀.

So, I’ll share my (maybe?) controversial opinion that some of the “fanbase” is part of the problem too, not just the people who hate the game that don’t even know what’s going on. I’ve talked about this before so I’ll keep it brief, but I feel it fits in the post so I’m including it. But on the game’s subreddit there are people who will reduce the game itself to fap material, and it doesn’t make sense to me because there’s quite literally nothing overly sexual or explicit in the game?? Even in the questionable route vision we don’t see anything explicit, we just know what happens. I’m like have y’all forgotten that this is a PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR game?? How some of these people managed to reduce Nemlei’s work that she clearly put a lot of thought and effort into that covers dark topics and serious issues to fap material is beyond me…. What a way… just what a way. Let’s hope they get weeded out of the fandom before ch. 3 drops 🙏🏻.

Just to clarify so no one gets confused, I’m NOT referring to people who create NSFW art/posts of the game, like duh you guys know I love Ashley and Andrew 🤭🤭. I know what I’m about! 😂. Seriously though, I’m referring to people in the Reddit community who will quite literally just take people’s NSFW art (any fan art in general really) and upload it there without the artist’s consent (edit: I think if they give credit it’s not a big deal, and some artists may not care regardless. Some probably care, some don’t). It just seems like the NSFW stuff is the only thing a lot of them care about, and the shit they say is so unhinged at times I’m like???? Seek help. (Obviously it isn’t all of the members, but it’s definitely a lot speaking from my personal experience there before I left). In a way, I can’t blame outsiders for side eyeing the fanbase if that’s their first impression.

Between the amount of haters TCOAAL has and some of the questionable “fans”…. Yeah, we’re in the trenches 😂. That’s part of the reason why I left the server and now only participate in the Tumblr community. Not even trying to gate-keep or sound like an asshole, but a lot of the Reddit community doesn’t fit the game. I said what I said! As I’ve said before in a previous post, most of the trash takes I’ve seen on the game stem from there, and YouTube too. 😬

TCOAAL is a game that requires you to think and dig deeper, that’s why I love it. It touches on very heavy topics. Tbh it’s not something you can simply take at face value, that just defeats the purpose.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about Ashley! 🩷✨

When you pay attention to all the details and look deeper into Ashley’s character, you see that Ashley has quite literally been treated like shit her entire life by EVERYONE around her except for Andrew. That’s why it’s so easy for her to treat people as disposable, because that’s how SHE was treated her entire life 💔.

This scene specifically proves that:

Andrew really is everything to her. That boy is her sun, her moon, and all of her stars. 🥲💚. We see that he’s her main, and basically only source of happiness. He’s the only thing/person she cares about. I find it genuinely heartbreaking that he has been the only person Ashley could depend on throughout her life. Due to this, it makes sense as to why Ashley goes to such extreme measures to keep him around. if she lost him, she’d have no one else. So of course she’s scared that he’ll leave her. Even though we know he’ll stick by her side no matter what, Ashley does not. She’s quite literally the love of his life but she doesn’t know that. 😩

Then again, Andrew doesn’t show it, so of course she doesn’t get it. He’s never said I love you back to her, the closest we get to that is when he says “I like you… but you’re so exhausting” after their huge fight. If you look closely at his face in that scene, you’ll see gray blush lines on his cheek. Ashley has been abandoned by everyone except for Andrew, she needs validation and reassurance from him to know that he’s there to stay. He doesn’t really give that to her though, but he needs to STAT! As I said, we know he’s in it for the long haul, but Ashley does not.

You see, Ashley operates under the idea that Andrew doesn’t actually care about her. She believes that he couldn’t love her of his own will and that she has to manipulate in order for him to stay. I hold the opinion that she doesn’t do those things because she necessarily wants to, she does it because she feels like she has to in order to keep him around. She manipulates, but she isn’t very good at it 🫣.

Thinking about their huge fight in apartment 302 after Andrew killed that lady (she definitely did not attack him first, but we’ll get into that in a minute). When Andrew’s choking Ashley she brings up the fact that she’s the only one who can make his nightmares go away, but guess what we see in ch. 2? Before going to snoop on the cultist, if you go back to their motel room and you interact with the bed. A text box pops up that says “oh yeah, you tooootally have nightmares as often as you claim.”.. So, we now know that Andrew doesn’t actually have that many nightmares, he uses it as an excuse because he wants to sleep next to Ashley and be close to her.

Back to the apartment 302 incident, when Ashley goes back to that apartment after completing the ritual, she sees that Andrew killed the lady that lived there, he claims she attempted to attack him with the nail gun, but the nail gun was in the same damn spot! People should’ve started side eyeing him at that point in the game. I know I did LOL, “doormat extraordinaire” my ass 😂. Btw, there are people who genuinely believe he tried to sleep with the lady in 302, but she wouldn’t do it so he killed her….. 🤦🏻‍♀️. I wish I was joking.

Anyway, in Andrew’s dream when we go over the justified deaths, with the lady in 302, the first reason he mentions is “Ashley would have wanted to kill this one anyway” then he brings up no witnesses. To me, the fact that the first reason he mentions is Ashley wanting to kill her anyway showed that he killed her for Ashley more than anything. I mean, It did make Ashley happy that she died. He didn’t say anything about getting attacked, although it was obvious that was a lie already lmao. I believe that’s why he got so frustrated, which led to him getting pissed off after Ashley started accusing him of trying to sleep with that woman. Especially because once she started, it escalated quickly and she just kept going.. He was like “girl??? I literally killed this woman for YOU.” I could be wrong, but that was my interpretation on the situation.

Another interesting thing I thought about was how during their argument, Andrew tells Ashley to butt out of his love life, and that she always makes up some bullshit crisis for him to leave/stay when he’s out or about to leave to go meet up with someone. But in the flashback with Julia during his dream, while she’s raising genuine concern and mentions that it could be good for Ashley to learn some independence for her own sake. Also for Andrew to stop cutting things short on her, for the sake of their relationship, and so they can spend more time together. Andrew responds to that with “If your sister needed something, wouldn’t you go?” 👀. Andrew likes Ashley being dependent on him, he doesn’t want her to become independent. During their heated argument he admits to knowing her so called crisis she has before he leaves is “bullshit”. Yet he still chooses to leave to be with her anyway. Because again, Ashley’s the love of his life, people can deny it all they want but the proof is right there lmao. Not to mention he looked so sad hugging Julia until he asked her to tie her hair up… I see right through you Andrew 😂.

Also, him bringing up Nina’s death (Julia’s best friend) and lying to Julia’s face about it like he had no part in it, that was actually scary not going to lie 🫢. Plus him lying about Nina’s death affecting Ashley…like you know damn well. After their huge fight, Ashley said she was glad that Nina choked, which Andrew responded with “I know you are”.

That’s the thing about Andrew, he’s very good at lying and we see multiple examples of this in the game. When they were at their parents house Ashley decided to stay quiet because she couldn’t keep up with Andrew’s lies. In a different post of mine I talked about how “Andy” was a facade, but Ashley doesn’t understand that yet. She thinks he’s changing for the worst, but in reality he’s always been that way. His true colors are just now finally coming out.

Andrew and Ashley both had a shitty upbringing. I mean Mrs.Graves made Andrew take care of Ashley when he was a child, and I remember in a flashback he asked Ashley if she wanted to go with him because their mom gave him money for groceries, like ma’am why are you making your child go out to buy groceries??? Also, at the end of the day, she sold them both to organ harvesters. However, Andrew was treated somewhat better than Ashley during their childhood. We see this through the plushies in the puzzle before the questionable route vision, if you set Ashley’s plushie down at the table she immediately falls off. At their parents new home during dinner, Ashley sat on a mini ladder while everyone else had a chair, and simply the fact that Mrs.Graves gave Andrew their new house address, but didn’t give it to Ashley. They always shut Ashley out, they never cared about her nor did they try.

Now, let’s talk about one of, in my opinion, the saddest parts of the game. The flashback of Leyley’s birthday 🥲.

We see that neither her parents nor her friends cared about her birthday, they didn’t even try. She looked so sad talking about her friends here 😭. The fact that she brought up how her friends are always busy when she asks them for something shows that this is a recurring thing, her friends suck. I am in tearsss. I’m sick rn, she deserves everything and more. Andrew attempted to make her birthday special for her at least 🥺.

Also, I know Julia seems sweet from what we’ve seen, but I’m suspicious of her tbh 👀. We know Ashley hung out around her and Nina. I remember seeing one of the screenshots from a progress report where Andrew asks them if they could invite Ashley to sit with them sometime at lunch, so I’m assuming that’s how their “friendship” started.

Nina had a crush on Andrew, and Julia ended up dating him later on. I think it’s possible they only hung out with her just to get closer to Andrew. Julia wasn’t a very good friend to Ashley it seems, so it makes sense that she wouldn’t be thrilled about them dating. Especially because Andrew is the most important, well, really the only important person to her.

Something else to think about when it comes to people in Ashley’s life outside of Andrew: After Andrew killed the warden to protect Ashley and before they left their neighbors apartment, Ashley tells Andrew “I don’t give a rat’s ass about mom or dad. Or any of my so-called friends anymore.” and “Not one of them felt it necessary to answer my calls…”. When she says this she looks very upset. So, even in present time, Ashley still gets treated like shit by everyone around her except for Andrew, this has been an ongoing thing since her childhood.

Next up is this scene with Mrs.Graves while setting up the ritual:

This was after Ashley says “Lookie ma! I drew a circle!”. Mrs.Graves immediately starts putting her down. Ashley’s response to what her mom said shows me that this is something that commonly happened. I’m sure there were many times in Ashley’s life where she’d attempt to impress her mom and receive praise, but would immediately get shut down by her instead. The more I think about how terribly Ashley was really treated, the more sad I get about it, what the fuck 😭.

Ok, last thing to dissect. I wanted to talk about this comment from a YouTube video that came up under the “all” section on there. Beware, it might make you lose braincells. 💀

“Ashley is heavily sexualized” let me stop you right there ✋🏻 lmao. No she is not. At least to me she isn’t, I never got the impression that the game sexualized her. A lot of male players sexualize her (because of course they do 🙄), but the game? I disagree. You could say Ashley views herself as a sex object, but that doesn’t mean she’s sexualized by the game. She views herself that way because of her low self-esteem and the fact that she doesn’t believe someone could genuinely love her. Not to mention her internalized misogyny. Source? I’m speaking from experience. Having terribly low self-esteem really does drive you to dark places. It can lead to you basing your self-worth on people finding you sexually attractive or just attractive in general, like your self worth is based on your looks alone. That’s how you get validation even if it’s from a not so good place. It wears off pretty fast though, and it leaves a poor after taste. It’s only a temporary “good” feeling. If you don’t like yourself, no amount of attention will be ever good enough for you or truly make you feel better.

“Goth-esque fetish ware”, first of all it’s “wear”, and the “fetish wear” in question is just shorts, a black shirt, and a choker 💀. I cannot lmfao. Does that mean Andrew has “goth-esque fetish wear” too? Bc him and Ashley literally dress the same 😂. Not that this matters, but Ashley and Andrew are more emo to me lmao.

“She’s definitely a manipulative psychopath”… opinion immediately discarded because of this part of the comment alone.

“Her heavily sexualized existence”…. Don’t piss me off 🙄 like??? I can’t believe they said that. People with a brain larger than the size of an atom know that Ashley’s entire existence isn’t sexualized, I’d argue that it’s quite literally the opposite. It’s almost like they want Ashley to be this seductive sex kitten, but she just isn’t that. They project that onto her. I feel like some people think that Ashley simply existing with a bigger bust means she’s automatically sexualized, some men feel this way about women with bigger busts in real life too, so them doing it to a fictional character doesn’t shock me. Worms for brains I swear.

The comment Ashley makes about her “big fat tits” in the motel room during her mini argument with Andrew was literally so unserious. There’s the scene where Andrew was lying on the couch in their parents house when Ashley wakes him up out of his dream, and we see him looking at her boobs from his POV. However, that was literally so mild, you hardly even saw anything lmfao. I feel like Nemlei added that in to show that Andrew’s sexually attracted to her, plus it was a little before the scene where Ashley playfully bites him, and (in my opinion) where they almost fully crossed the line (because of Andrew mind you) before their mom came in. We all saw that pillow placement 😂. There are other signs of him being attracted to her before that as well, like when we see him push the thought of hugging her to the back of his mind “where it may fester with all the thoughts he wish he never had” + that scene in the kitchen where he was sort of touching her butt and had his fingers through her belt loop, but when their mom came in he jerked away and looked as if he got caught.

People will claim that Ashley is the only one that’s incestuous and that she “forced” it onto Andrew, but in ch. 2, we see that Andrew is arguably more incestuous than she is. Ashley loves Andrew to death, but she isn’t exactly horny for him the same way he’s horny for her. Think about their reactions to the questionable route vision. Ashley was pretty chill about it, while Andrew was beat red and embarrassed because his repressed inner thoughts just got exposed. The demon clocked his tea 😂.

I’ve spoken about this before so I’ll keep it brief, when it comes to sex Ashley doesn’t care much about it and views it as transactional, as something she can use for personal gain. As I kind of said already, to me, her viewing herself as a sex object and having that view on sex in general ties into the fact that she has internalized misogyny and her personal belief that she’s unlovable. So, not only does she view herself as a sex object, but you could say that she also views other women as sex objects too.

This is my personal opinion which I’ve shared before, but when her and Andrew fully cross the line (because they’re definitely going to) and he finally shows her that he loves her as well, I think her views on sex may change a bit. That she’ll start seeing it as something out of love that they can both enjoy. As something they can experience together, instead of her ignoring her own desires and being his personal sex object to use to attempt to keep him around.

Do I think that Ashley isn’t horny for him at all? Tbh no. I mean she literally says she assumed it would happen between them eventually anyway, so she’s definitely thought about it before. However, it’s nowhere near Andrew’s level lmao. We know Ashley is a virgin and honestly, I think Andrew is the only one she’d happily lose it to. If she were to sleep with anyone else, I doubt she’d enjoy it and would only use it as personal gain for something. As of right now, she views sex as a way of keeping Andrew around, however, I feel this is because of the fact that she doesn’t actually think he loves her and will stay with her on his own. She loves Andrew and wants to be with him, she wants him to reciprocate her love. As I like to say, Andrew’s her boo 😂, that girl doesn’t want anyone else.

Alright, let’s finish dissecting that goofy YouTube comment.

“practically puts the usually male players protective instincts into overdrive.” I don’t know wtf this means lmao, but it made me cringe. Some men need to be banned from speaking on Ashley until we figure out what’s going on 😂. Bc every time they speak on her I lose braincells. “Protective instincts” yet they quite literally don’t understand anything about her character or her struggles 💀. Maybe sit this one out lmao.

Not to sound like a broken record, but a big part of Ashley’s character is that she has very low self-worth and that she doesn’t believe people, more specifically Andrew, could actually love her (💔). I mean think about how she’s been treated for her whole life, it makes sense as to why she developed those feelings about herself and others. Her mindset is “well people never cared about me, so why would I care about them?”. Having people regularly treat you like shit takes a toll on your self-esteem and impacts your world view. Especially if it happens in your childhood.

Ashley quite literally loves Andrew more than she loves herself. I want better for her :’( and she deserves better too. I don’t care about the Ashley haters opinions. There are people who believe that she’s faking her low self-esteem in order to manipulate Andrew….. 🤦🏻‍♀️. Have you even paid attention to anything in the game?? That’s one of the biggest things about her character like hello?

I should have added this in earlier oops, but I’m adding it in now. After her and Andrew first talk to the lady in 302 and they leave her apartment, Ashley asks why the lady got special treatment but they didn’t, and why she didn’t get any food. Andrew responds with “maybe you just aren’t pretty enough”, he wasn’t being serious, but she took it that way. It didn’t help that he said “I mean… wasn’t she?” After Ashley asked if he thought she was pretty. That’s why Ashley wanted to shoot her after the ritual. You can see Ashley looks upset when she asks “do you really think I’m not pretty enough?”. Then gets angry and says “So ugly am I, that I shouldn’t even be fed?”. This is her insecurity and low self-esteem kicking in on full display.

This is a similar situation to what happened when her and Andrew were looking for something to lock Nina in the crate with at the warehouse. She asked him what he thought about Nina and if he found her pretty. He said “she’s fine… I guess”, which made Ashley unhappy. Even though Andrew wasn’t into her, like at all. Ashley has been dealing with insecurity and low self-esteem ever since she was a little girl 😭. I’m so upset for her like you guys have no idea.

After Ashley traps Nina in the crate, there’s a point where she’s crying and says “It’s not fair!! Why does everyone like her better??” “I’m loud and weird and annoying and no one likes me at all!!!”. 😭. My heart is breaking as we speak. It’s hard for me to believe she said all of that just to manipulate Andrew in that scene. I know in ch. 3 we will be delving more into their childhood, and I have a theory that Ashley was also bullied in school. I mean to refer to herself as loud, weird, annoying, and to say that no one likes her at all. That absolutely came from somewhere, and I don’t think it was just from Mrs.Graves.

So, to see people with the emotional depth of a raindrop get online and say that she’s solely the problem, that Andrew needs to get rid of her, and that she’s simply just evil… is, to put it lightly, very annoying. I’m gonna say something, you know I love both Ashley and Andrew, but we need to be honest! People give Andrew too much of a pass. I mean they literally excuse all of the terrible things he’s done and blame Ashley for “making” him do it. They give him a pass for everything, but have 0 empathy for Ashley despite everything going wrong in her life since she was born. They completely ignore that she’s a product of her environment. When it comes down to it, what good experiences in life has she really had?

Also, Andrew is more violent than Ashley is. I think that’s self explanatory. People seem to forget that she quite literally just wants to live a peaceful life with Andrew. During the “quarantine” while they were still in their old apartment, she says “Aside from the starving, it’s not so bad here.” and “Aside from starving, I like it here”. Ashley doesn’t want to live a life of violence and chaos, and we see this in the room before unlocking the door that leads us to the two burial route choices. If you place the knife down (violence) nothing happens, but when you place the flower down (love) - (my bad guys originally I put heart instead of flower, I changed it!) - the door becomes unlocked. She also gets upset when Andrew tells her that they can’t live at their parents new house, she literally doesn’t want to be on the run and just wants stability.

On Pinterest, I see girls talk about how much they hate Ashley in the comment sections. They literally just do this because they think Andrew’s hot 😂. Especially when they call her a bitch, like grow up 🙄. I’ve also seen people refer to her as a “pick me”?? Literally how? Immature teens need to be banned from playing this game LOL. It’s giving those male celebrity fandoms that dig to find anything “problematic” on a girl said male celebrity is dating just because they’re pissed it isn’t them, they don’t actually care if she’s problematic or not.

It’s literally just misogyny, they do this a lot to women in media. Breaking Bad is the biggest example of this, the people that act like Skyler White is worse than Walter are delusional as hell. Sorry, but If you’re misogynistic, lack empathy and/or emotional depth, TCOAAL isn’t for you 🤷🏻‍♀️. Period. That’s why the game deserves a better fanbase than the one it has outside of Tumblr. It deserves better in general.

They don’t care to look into why Ashley is the way she is. If it wasn’t obvious already, Andrew brings out Ashley’s worst behavior and blames her for making him do bad things. In his mind he can’t be guilty, so he needs something on the outside to blame (Ashley). Mrs.Graves contributes to this btw, during the setup of the ritual before they sacrificed her and Mr.Graves she was pretty much saying “I know you don’t want to do this, I know she’s making you do it!” 🤦🏻‍♀️. She sounds like one of those boy moms that go “my son didn’t do shit!” 😂.

The worst are the people who reduce Ashley to fap material and a “hot crazy girl they can fix or make worse” 🤪, and basically fetishize her (unchecked) mental health issues that contribute to how she acts. Again, she’s had crippling insecurities and low self-esteem since she was a kid, Ashley has had just about 0 good life experiences outside of the ones with Andrew. So it is incredibly frustrating to see. I’m like I hate y’all I really do, read the damn room 🙄. They need to stop projecting their weirdo shit onto her.

People who fetishize mental illness and talk about how they want to “date a crazy bitch” are so gross. If/when they actually date someone with said mental health issues, when things get bad and they don’t fit the fantasy anymore, they’ll get disgusted and drop the person struggling with mental issues like trash. Anytime I see a guy say “crazy girls with mental issues are better in bed!”…. I’m like I know what type of man you are 🫥…. Perish 🗣️.

Ashley and Andrew both have unchecked mental illness, we know this. It’s quite literally not their fault. However, I personally don’t feel comfortable diagnosing them. Every time I see someone online say they were a born a psychopath, sociopath, etc. I lose brain cells. Mind you, I’m literally majoring in psychology and I still don’t feel comfortable diagnosing them.

To wrap things up because I know this post is LONG! I empathize with both Andrew and Ashley because they’ve both been dealt a bad hand in life. Their parents failed them in every way, and the society they live in is totally dystopian. However, when it comes to Ashley specifically? I have all the empathy for her in the world, especially because I understand some of the things she’s dealt with and how painful it really is. Digging deeper into her character shows you that she has quite literally been through hell and back. You can say she’s a victim turned villain, but honestly? I don’t really even consider her a villain, maybe that’s controversial to say but 🤷🏻‍♀️, I don’t think she’s irredeemable either. She’s someone who was hurt very badly, her wounds run deep, and she never really got to heal from any of it.

I just want her and Andrew to have a happy ending, it would be nice for them to experience genuine happiness for once. I would also like to see Ashley gain some self love in ch. 3, maybe Andrew will be able to help her with that in a way as their relationship improves.

Honestly, people who act like the questionable burial route is the “bad” ending are in denial so bad. Nemlei has said that “Burial” and “Decay” aren’t an indicator of a “good” or “bad” ending though. There will also be multiple outcomes to discover. I’m both excited, and scared lol.

I love Ashley Graves so much as a character, she’s so interesting and complex. I don’t play about her 😂. When it comes to defending her I’m on the frontlines lmao. The misogyny/hate when it comes to her is crazyyy. I’ll be the odd one out I don’t care, she’s my girlie 💕. It’s always refreshing to see other people who adore her and actually understand her as a character.

~~~~~~~~

Thank you so much for reading ❤️. I think this is my longest post yet 😳.

Also, a big thank you to everyone for all of the notes on my TCOAAL posts! I truly appreciate it. I’m so glad other people adore this game just as much as I do. :)

Unfortunately I’m not able to follow people back since this is a side blog. :/, but I do really appreciate everyone that follows me, I hope you like what I post. 💜

I’m currently working on creating an ooak doll of Ashley! 🤭💕. I’m SO excited to finish it and post her!

I plan on making a post about the Decay route at some point, because I realized I haven’t discussed it much. Probably because that route makes me sad 😓. However, it’s still incredibly interesting and I’m both excited and nervous to see where it goes.

#that one girl who don’t play about ashley graves #ashley graves’s defense attorney #tcoaal spoilers #tcoaal #the coffin of andy and leyley #nemlei #ashley graves #andrew graves #coffincest #gravecest #leyley graves #andy graves #kit9 #i hate reddit #i hate stupid people #this is a pretty long post oops #long post #longer post #just my thoughts

[mhathotfic]

Can I request an heifer reader that has two newborn sons? (It can be fluff if you want!)

She was moved from her old farm because hers was abusive and with that she grew more aggressive, if anyone or any of the cows/bulls she will nip them hard or kicks them and with that bakugo starts to have a liking to them and is willing to wait for her to warm up to him and will father her two calf’s?

(If not you can ignore this plus I love your stories!!)

Only because I miss Bakubull, but fun fact! Only young cows who haven’t had a calf yet are called heifers. Just fluff for now but if anyone wants to give me a reason to make a smutty little sequel I wouldn’t be opposed

Warnings: swearing, mentions of past abuse, hybrid au, hybrids being kept as live stock, fem reader with she/her pronouns, written with plus size reader in mind, single mom! reader technically a cliffhanger ending

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x reader

“My boys aren’t going anywhere with you!” she had snorted and snuffed at some pushy bull her first day there. Nipping and snapping when he tried to push her anyways in some sort of asinine attempt to show her he was no threat, because obviously a frightened young mother with her background is gone accept some assholes ‘help’ with her calves when he’s stupidly grabbing for them with insistence that he could help.

Like something like that doesn’t potentially lead to something awful happening to those calves. Like she hasn’t been through traumatic shit at her last farm that made her apprehensive to trust anyone but herself and her newborns.

Not the other cows who cooed at the sight of the new babes and offered help with the feedings, and certainly not any bull who’s motivates where unclear and very well could be an attempt to gain a new cow to breed instead of genuine care.

Bakugou found himself watching in silent wonder and slight disgust as they all crowded it her like they weren’t told how they needed to be careful and patient with her. It was beyond him how he, a bull who was the picture perfect example of his title, had internalized this when the ‘non-problem’ cattle hadn’t.

He would have stopped it himself by intervening, but before he could even stand to move, she was kicking up dirt as a warning before charging the larger bull for not taking her seriously. Her horns just nubs in comparison to his and her stature much smaller, but she held her own and proved appoint.

And maybe that’s what sparked his interest? Maybe it was the gentle way she regarded her boys? The little hint of joy in her eyes which she goes a particularly enjoyable treat that hinted at what she was like before the trauma?

Or maybe it was the fact she was a touch like himself not too long ago, scared and confused and covering it up with aggression to create a sense of superiority and strength so no one touched her or those calves.

Whatever it was it had him in a vicious little vice grip.

“You know, those idiots are wrong for how they’ve gouged about it, but they have a point”.

“And how the hell do you know that huh? How do I even know if you’re any different?”

He shrugged at that, watching her boys playing with the ring toys their handlers gave them, she didn’t have any reaction to trust him like she said but he was determined to prove her wrong.

“It’s been what? Four? Five months? None of us have done anything wrong yet”.

“Doesn’t mean you won’t, last place was good until it wasn’t too”.

“Well you didn’t have me there did you? I’ll killed anyone before they lay a finger on those calves or you”.

She snorted at that. He’s hung around them and kept other’s from bothering her and the boys, an attempt to win her over to breed her then throw her aside to be picked on by the other buzzards that called themselves cattle. He was self serving like any other bull, she was sure.

“Stop thinking I’m like the rest, you have that written all over your face princess” he huffed cutting her off before a word passed her parted lips. “Don’t fuckin’ care how long it takes, I’ll prove I’m better than them. Promise I’ll take care of those boys if you let me, take good care of you too”.

And maybe it was that soft little gleam, more of a glimmering spark, in his carmine eyes, but she wanted him to. It didn’t seem so bad an idea to let him father her boys, maybe even give her some of his own if he were so lucky. A thought that flustered her greatly when it ran through her head.

#katsuki bakugou x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #tw hybrid au

[ghostinthegallery]

It should be no secret that I adore Oltyx. He's one of my favorite 40k characters. Which is amazing because let's be real, he's an insufferable little shit who spends most of the books consumed by entitlement, paranoia, or both. He's just so damn well written, the elements that make him awful (which also form the starting point for his character arc) don't quite overshadow his redeeming qualities (which prove he is a person worth giving the opportunity to grow).

Those early chapters do some serious heavy lifting, character-wise. Oltyx comes out the gate swinging for "worst protag of the Year award". He's bitter, he's convinced all of his problems are someone else's fault, he is needlessly cruel to his subordinate (ready to kill Neth just because one grot made it to the stairs). A real winner, right here. Except for two things:

1) he doesn't want his soldiers to die. Sure, he justifies this with facts and logic. Attrition will eventually diminish his forces, leaving him unable to defend his shitty planet, and he isn't getting reinforcements anytime soon. But still, he wants to preserve the lives under his command. He wants to create a "new way of war" which is surprisingly sympathetic for someone who acts like a surly teenager (more on THAT later). Bonus that he does not in fact kill Neth

2) his flashback where he sees Djoseras' first lesson to him. Where we see that Oltyx is not exactly a reliable narrator regarding his elder. And if he's wrong about Djoseras, what else is he wrong about? The narrative is doing something here.

That second point is super important. Because there's a huge difference between reading an asshole protag where the author knows they are an asshole vs. where the author doesn't. The former can be incredibly satisfying as you watch someone grow and change. The latter is annoying AF. That flashback (for me) is like a footnote from the author promising "hey, not all is as it seems, bear with me."

Oltyx's hints of compassion are the incentive.to.give him a chance. Which is then further cemented when we enter the tomb and get to see Oltyx's affection for Yenekh, the first character we see Oltyx caring about. Proof that he has relationships that matter. He doesn't actually hate everyone and everything. And as the narrative continues, we peel back the layers to see what Oltyx actually is.

While I reading those opening pages, I joked to my spouse that Oltyx sounded like a teenager who listens to too much emo music. Turns out that was not actually a joke, that was the entire character. As we get more of his interactions and flashbacks, we are shown someone trapped in perpetual adolescence. Who had the compassion beaten out of him by war, trauma, and neglect (or literally sliced out of him, fuck Hemiun). The more you see of Oltyx the more heartbreaking he becomes. Not because he isn't terrible (he is) but because he didn't have to be. Yet it is so understandable why he is. The lessons he was taught even by the people that loved him (life has no value, compassion is a weakness, lies will come from those closest to you) twisted a kind soul into a conflicted mess. It excuses nothing but explains everything.

But despite ALL OF THAT Oltyx still tries to do the right thing. He tries to save the dynasty that exiled him, he tries to fight beside the brother he taught himself to hate, he tries to resist the madness that he thinks will make him a monster. He literally has the mind of an eighteen year old, trapped in a metal body that is slowly destroying what little sanity he has left. That's a lot!

Crowley had a fine line to walk writing Oltyx, making him sympathetic but not dulling the impact of his darker traits. For my money he did it brilliantly. Oltyx is my precious son who has done everything wrong and I love him.

#necrons #wh40k #Oltyx #twice dead king #yes he is a little shit but considering that he is also perfect and precious and must be protected at all costs #what angsty music is oltyx listening to? #evanescence was my middle school go to #i think he'd appreciate MCR #he had a lot of time to fill tho #needs more music recs

[beanghostprincess]

You know, One Piece is all fun and happyness untill you learn that the world and themes are actually some of the darkest and most depressing things that were ever put on paper. The biggest potrayal of this tho is the fact that many characters have different running gags and quirks that are actually products of their horrible past trauma and messed up life.

Luffy- Wants to befriends literally everybody because of his fear of being alone and picks fights with all the people he doesn't like because he wants to protect his friends.

Nami- Her greed and kleptomania were developed because her mom literally died because sge was poor and was never able to give her and Nojiko all they wanted/needed.

Usopp- Makes absurd lies about everything because as a kid he had to keep lying to keep his mother happy and when she died he kept on doing so to keep himself safe.

Sanji- Puts all women on a super high pedestal because growing up women like his mom and sister wrre the only good people in his life and men like his Judge and his brothers were fucking awful.

Brook and Robin- Super S tier dark humor to cope with S tier dark trauma.

In other words, One Piece is just a comedy passing drmatic anime, but I think we all already knew that.

Ah, yes, I love this topic so much.

But I wouldn't say One Piece is a "comedy passing dramatic anime". One Piece is both comedy and drama. The drama doesn't hide behind comedy at any moment. You don't have to actively look for it or read between the lines to understand the characters. I think Oda is an amazing writer because he manages to just tell us/show us about his characters in the clearest and most obvious of ways. He throws hints at us over the episodes to then explaining it to us very carefully how his characters are built. This is why I find so difficult to understand why people (mainly from the general audience or, y'know, dudebros) don't get the characters in the first watch/read. An example of a comedy passing dramatic show would probably be just any sort of satiric comedic show in which they don't actually address the drama but instead make jokes about it. Like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (God I love that sitcom).

I know what you mean, though. You're talking about the whole "making jokes/running gags about something when the reason behind them is actually way deeper". And I agree wholeheartedly.

Luffy has abandonment issues and that's why he keeps wanting to protect his friends and hates being alone, Nami sees money as safety and comfort because her mom died because they lacked money, Usopp's lies come from trying to make her mom happy because his dad left them, Sanji has an obsession with women because they're the only ones who never hurt him, Brook and Robin have no filter when it comes to dark humor because they've been alone for so long that the only way they have to cope is jokes and nobody gets them except them... And also:

We treat Zoro's relationship with Tashigi as comedic at some points but he has so much trauma regarding his best friend dying that he can't be close to someone who looks like her.

We make fun of and exaggerate Sabo's love for Luffy to the point of brocon/possessiveness because he literally spent most of his life having forgotten him and when he remembers his brothers, one of them dies, so of course he wants to look after the little one.

Boa's love for Luffy exists exclusively because she feels safe around him and it's the first man who has never seen her as a sexual object.

And a lot more of these but, basically, Oda is great at character building and writing because these are not things that you have to read between the lines. These are not exaggerations for the reader to understand what's going on with the characters. These are just trauma responses that constantly happen in real life. It's just a well-written story with awesome, realistic characters, and I absolutely love it.

#you're so right with this ask btw #thank you bc i wanted to talk about this for a really long time !!!! #one piece #nami #usopp #black leg sanji #monkey d. luffy #revolutionary sabo #roronoa zoro #boa hancock #soul king brook #nico robin

[nyrandrea]

Hello! So sorry if I’m bothering you, but do you still accept Astarion x Tav requests? If so. I have a prompt for you if you care to read about it.

Basically, you know that moment in Astarion and Tav’s relationship where Astarion fully opens up to Tav about his trauma and his feelings regarding intimacy? Let’s say in this scenario, this Tav realizes that they feel the exact same way about intimacy after Astarion describes his revelations about it. Tav and Astarion have similar trauma and handled it in similar, but also vastly different ways: Astarion used intimacy as a survival tool and a manipulation tactic, and Tav used intimacy as a means of keeping those they love interested, as they feel they have no other redeeming qualities that would make people stay.

I think it’d be funny for two clowns to realize that neither ever wanted to bang each other yet and both just wanted a hug. It’s also touching, two abused souls finding comfort in each other and coming to terms with their boundaries.

Of course if such a scenerio is not one you are comfortable writing for, I completely understand! I couldn’t find your guidelines so I’m taking the risk and asking.

Your writing is spectacular by the way. I hope you have a nice day!

Yes, hi, hello, I LOVE the scene you're talking about so I decided to expand on it slightly for this prompt! We stan consent and boundaries in this house 😔✊

TW for vague mentions of past sexual abuse

Word Count: 1.3k

Enjoy!

xxx

In the quiet recesses of your memory, you held the echoes of a time when you had walked down the path that society prescribed, where passion was deemed a necessity and love an excuse for physical intimacy. But as you gazed into your past, you realized that the fire within you had been a mere illusion, a flicker of conformity. 

Your heart longed for emotional intimacy, in the gentle touch of a hand or soft-spoken words was where you found the depth of affection you so desperately sought. It was in these moments that you felt most yourself, when your inner conflicts melted away and you embraced love in the way that you wanted to. 

So, you succumbed to the pressures of a world that insisted on desire in exchange for such affections. You danced in the moonlight, your body a vessel for another’s longing, and yet, each touch had felt like a borrowed emotion. Your past was a stage where you had performed, but the script was never truly your own. 

The turning point arrived like the soft whisper of truth in the night. In a moment of self-reflection that you thought might never come, and from the person that you least expected. 

“Do you have a moment?” Astarion asked, softly adding, “I... I think we need to talk.” 

You knew that tone all too well: apprehension from one that you hadn’t had sex with for a while. You braced yourself, swallowing a dry lump down your throat and turned to him with a smile. 

“Are you alright?” you asked, already knowing full well what the answer was. 

“Oh yes, I’m fine,” he quickly said with a grin that fell just as fast. “I just... feel awful.” 

You sighed through your nose and crossed your arms, expecting the honeyed words, the seduction tactics, and then the demands. 

“Look, I had a plan,” Astarion started. “A nice, simple plan – seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me.” 

You raise an eyebrow as he chuckles nervously while fiddling with his hands. You weren’t quite used to seeing him so... tense. Astarion was usually the suave, calm and entrancing type that swept you off your feet with his charms and dramatic flair.

But right now he looked like some scorned child that got caught with his hand in the sweet jar. 

“It was easy-” 

You frowned.

“Instinctive,” he swiftly corrected. “Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in. All you had to do... was fall for it. And all I had to do was not fall for you.” 

Ripples of anxiety pulsed through you as you observed his subtle shifts in body language – how his eyes darted away from you, the way his lips twitched up into a forced smile. You dissected every word, convinced that this was his way of an impending farewell. 

“...Which is where my nice, simple plan... fell apart.” 

You blinked in surprise while he gestured at you as if he was at a loss for words. 

“You... you’re incredible,” he breathed. “And... you deserve something real. I want us... to be something real.” 

You struggled to find your voice, to address the storm brewing in your heart. You longed to confront the unknown, to seek the truth, to bridge the gap between your turbulent emotions and quiet expectation. More than anything, you were just confused. The presumption of sex loomed like a thunderhead in your mind. Did he... truly see you for more than that?

Nobody else had. Why should he be any different?

You had to find the strength to confront the tempest before it engulfed you for good. 

“So, the... the nights we s-spent together,” you grimaced as you stuttered, hating how pathetic you sounded. “They didn’t mean anything to you?” 

“Of course they did!” Astarion moved to lay a comforting hand on you, but his arm stayed motionless in the air for a moment before dropping to his side, almost in defeat. “That’s the problem, or... part of it.” 

Your mouth soured with the taste of bile. “Were you even... attracted to me? Or was it all a lie?” 

“Of course I was attracted to you, I mean, just look at you!”  

Try as you might, you couldn’t help the heat that crept along your cheeks. 

“You’re a vision. And you’re so much more than that.” 

Your heart raced; your surprise palpable. You never imagined anyone seeing you as more than a lover, to be more than just a physical desire, but as someone to be cherished. 

He bit his lip as he glanced down briefly, his fangs nearly piercing the skin. “Being... close to someone – any kind of intimacy – was something I performed to lure people back for him.” 

Astarion’s voice was laced with venom at the mere mention of his old master, and you wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but you restrained yourself, allowing him to continue. 

“Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels... tainted,” he said. “Still brings up those feelings of disgust and loathing.” 

His eyes locked onto yours, and you could see how afraid he was. How scared that his confession will shatter the delicate equilibrium of your relationship, transforming it into something unfamiliar. 

“I don’t know how else to be with someone,” he admitted. “No matter how much I’d like to.” 

The stars seemed to align for you as he looked at you, through you, with his eyes glazed over. You wanted him to understand that love was not confined to lust and desire, but rather it was an intricate mosaic of trust, companionship and unwavering support.  

You wanted to cradle his hopes and dreams, nurture his ambitions and rejoice in his happiness. You were the keeper of his secrets, and the safe haven of his vulnerabilities.  

“Astarion,” you said. “I care about you. Deeply.” 

“Really?” he muttered, his eyes crinkling into disbelief. 

“Yes,” you felt a shiver down your spine, a chill that had nothing to do with the cooling temperature. “This might sound strange but... may I hold you?” 

Astarion’s surprise was evident, but his eyes soften as he observes the mixture of anxiety and hope on your face.  

“I... I would like that,” he quietly responds, his voice nearly a mere whisper. 

With a tender yet unexpected smile, you wrap your arms around him, embracing him tightly. 

Astarion’s body tenses up and for a moment, he just stands there, uncertainty etched across his face. It was as though the world had momentarily paused, leaving him in a state of sweet confusion. He hesitates, as though he’s unsure of how to respond. Then, with a reluctant but genuine warmth, he slowly brings his arms around you. His embrace is cautious at first, like a hesitant deer testing the waters of a lake. 

As you hold each other, a gentle breeze rustles through the leaves of the surrounding trees and his grip gradually begins to tighten as though he’s afraid of letting you go, his head burying further into your shoulder as if to get lost within you. 

It was in this simple act, in the unspoken acceptance of your affection, that Astarion realised the beauty of your ability to break down barriers, and it was in this moment that the evolution of your understanding came with a newfound freedom. No longer did either of you need to force yourself into moulds that didn’t fit.  

Your relationship transformed into a profound connection built upon trust, and the conversations that lasted long into the night. Your love was no longer tangled in the constraints of physicality; it soared in the uncharted skies of emotional intimacy. 

xxx

Links to my other Astarion works

Everything's Fine

Restless

Request - Astarion kills everyone in his path to get to you

Request - Astarion tries to save you from kidnappers

Request - Astarion helps you to see that you're beautiful

Request - Astarion gets kidnapped

Request - You and Astarion share an intimate moment (light smut)

#astarion x reader #astarion x tav #astarion x mc #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #bg3 tav #asexual #asexual!reader #my writing #fanfiction #request

[waitmyturtles]

THE MORNING AFTER: ONLY FRIENDS, EPISODE 4 (“UHHH, IF I FEEL SOMETHING, DOES IT MEAN I HAVE FEELINGS, WOMP?”) EDITION

That’s how I felt after watching yesterday’s episode. I have NO BUSINESS writing meta in my current life-mental state, but I NEED to get a few words down. Just some list-y thoughts.

Shit’s starting to gel for me. The cast seems like they’ve warmed up to each other by way of actor-ly chemistry. (I know scenes are never shot in order, but there was maybe a little stiffness I felt at the start of the series? At this point, it might just be Lookjun carrying that, but I also don’t think she does “drunk” as well as the others.)

Such good meta that sustained me during my packing yesterday. @ranchthoughts on an ephemerality BREAKDOWN. @respectthepetty Senpai on sluts slutting — and HOW WE AUTOMATICALLY JUDGE AND LABEL SLUTS FOR SLUTTING (more on this in a BIT — go OFF, RTP Senpai). And @slayerkitty on nailing the narrative frameworks, which really struck me this episode, and this goes back to ephemerality again. Can’t believe I’m gonna meta, but let’s boogie, ‘cause I gotta.

@ranchthoughts — Ranch, I’m probably going to repeat some of what you wrote, so please forgive my stress-addled brain. I just lost it at Khaotung this episode, I thought he was just OVERFLOWING with BEST-NESS this episode — and the way we lived with Ray in his past in this episode. It was another play on time. And I love that @slayerkitty nailed that it was the flashbacks that were doing the talking this episode — because especially for Ray, the past is doing HIS talking. His mother didn’t love him in his past. Therefore, because of his past, he is unlovable in his present. (Interrrrgenerationalllll traumaaaa — the past affects your present. The opposite of ephemerality. That shit’ll STICK with you UNTIL you decide to face it head-on, like our beloved PatPran.)

Ooooh, baby. Gosh. The combination of the use of flashbacks, with Ray living in his past, only listening to music his parents listened to. And Sand — falling for Ray! — is holding Ray’s hand and bringing him to the present and the new. Sand’s a figure of change. Ray keeps toeing BACK to the past, to his memories, to his “love” for Mew, and Sand’s like, let me hold you down. (Ray going back and forth — like relapsing.) Ray STILL flashing back to Mew, holding that pendant (THAT LOOKS AN AWFUL LIKE AN ECLIPSE SYMBOL, AMIRITE AMIRITE) — and flashes again back and forward to the record store, where Sand found Ray’s hand.

What will Ray need for Sand to do to pull Ray even closer to the real-time present? How will Sand help Ray face his trauma? Will Sand really hold Ray down?

I am a big believer in the ships sinking, but goddamnit, First and Khao ATE this episode. GAAAHHHH.

Just musing: If Jojo and team started out this series having us think on ephemerality, the general lack of accountability, and the disappearance of time — are we entering the next act of the series where the characters grapple with the impacts of their pasts? That if you’re engaged emotionally and/or sexually with others, that not being accountable for your past and present is NOT an option? (That’s a kind of frame that speaks very closely to Jojo’s devotion to messages of sexual health in his past shows — especially regarding Nat in Gay OK Bangkok, who was HIV positive.)

Also musing: I saw some posts on my dash grappling with Top and Ray using coke. Drug use is obviously common on the partying circuit — their using coke doesn’t surprise me, especially considering that Top and Ray were both shown also being familiar with pills earlier. But I will note that the entire SE Asian region prosecutes the drug trade quite harshly, so to be honest, I was surprised to see Top actually snorting (but not surprised that that would be in a Jojo show). (Some passing links: when I Googled “drug use in Thailand,” this study shows that of a sample of vocational students in Thailand, LGBTQ+ students were more likely to use three or more drugs than heterosexual students, plus more findings. And this article briefly reviews the history of drug prosecution in Thailand.)

Also musing: really loved how Top’s demeanor was SO different with Nick and Sand. Maybe this indicates how much he’s “controlling” himself around Mew (@ranchthoughts , beep beep, control). Especially when Nick was talking with Top — it seemed like Top had been approached for money like this before. And the way he was so forward with Sand, confident to tell Sand that Sand wasn’t up for keeping Boeing — that was a totally different Top than who we see with Mew.

Okay, penultimate point. @respectthepetty says: sluts gonna slut. @bengiyo says: dudes gonna dude.

Cheum calls Boston a ho. Top says Boston is nasty. Nick calls himself nasty. Nick is Boston’s “favorite.” Jojo challenges the viewer to think that Top was gonna sleep with Beam, as RTP Senpai writes. Top’s already slept with Boston while dating Mew. On and on and on.

I wrote in my review of Theory of Love that I related to Khai, and now I relate somewhat to Top by the way that some of the viewership has judged Top. I was VERY often called the slut/ho of my friend groups in my younger years. OFTEN. And this was while I was in my twenties, exploring myself, my boundaries, my sexuality, all of it.

I relate to the struggle of trying to shed labels. Ray is a “burden.” Boston is “nasty.” Mew wants the truth from Top as to if Top has been with anyone else while they were dating. Therefore — Mew is assuming that Top IS sleeping with other people.

Call these people by their labels, and they’ll start believing them. It’s just another kind of trauma, similar to intergenerational trauma.

I wrote in my Theory of Love piece that as a global society — humans don’t really believe that our fellow humans can CHANGE. We don’t accept change well. (Cancel culture rarely allows for someone to be uncancelled — right?) If someone takes on a label — we tend to believe that label, and we have a hard time believing that someone has SHED that label after time. If Ray was called a burden by his mother — what work will it take for Ray to shed that label? And same for our sexually active guys, too.

Think about how you talk about your friends to others. Think about if you use labels to talk about them. Think about how old those labels are, and if they’re accurate in the present. And. Think about how you judge others by their pasts. (“Remember when so-and-so was sleeping around?”) Think about whether or not you use the past to judge and/or justify your FEELINGS about someone.

Now, I don’t even KNOW if these guys WANT to change these paradigms. We get the SLIGHTEST hint that maybe Boston wants to do so with Nick in next week’s preview.

But. I just fucking love that Jojo is playing around with this. If someone is HIV positive — that’s a label, a stigma. If someone is a ho — that’s a label, a stigma.

These dudes are burdened by what everyone else is thinking and saying about them.

And we have Sand, on the other hand, processing his feelings with Nick. We have Nick acting like a damn BASKETCASE, but at least he admitted the wiretapping to Sand (??? lol honey but you gotta stop this now, nervous giggles, put Boston’s phone down). We didn’t see Yo in this episode, but we know Yo believes in accountability.

There’s something about the Ray-Mew-Cheum-Boston friend group that allows things to both slide and fester. We’ll get ever more clarity in the following episodes on this, but — these young folks are having ish dealing with their labels, the labels of their pasts, and what are they gonna do in their presents and futures to deal with changing themselves?

FINALLY, and then I’m done rambling. Is that supposed to be a penis, or something penis-like?!

(What’s good, Ephemerality Squad? Wish me luck with moving today! @slayerkitty @ranchthoughts @lurkingshan @neuroticbookworm @clara-maybe-ontheroad @twig-tea @distant-screaming @chickenstrangers)

#only friends #only friends the series #only friends meta #raysand #khaotung thanawat #first kanaphan #firstkhao #ray x sand #sand x ray #forcebook #topmew #mewtop #is it mewtop or topmew? lol #top x mew #mew x top #force jiratchapong #book kasidet #neomark #nick x boston #boston x nick #neo trai #mark pakin #lookjun bhasidi #only friends the morning after

[eelfuneral]

Some of the discussion that happens within the Star Wars fandom, particularly discussion of the Jedi, can be really upsetting to observe if you have certain disabilities. In fact, I’m having a hard time even liking the Jedi right now because I can’t help but associate them with some really ableist takes that I’ve seen in their defense.

Let me explain: a lot of people with certain disabilities (such as autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and C-PTSD) deal with something called emotion dysregulation, which means that you feel emotions more intensely than the average person and that this strong emotional state sticks around for far longer than it should. When you have emotional regulation issues, an event that might make somebody else a bit sad or mildly frustrated has the ability to put you out of commission for hours or even an entire day. Emotion dysregulation is very stigmatized, even in people who go out of their way to avoid harming people or lashing out while dealing with an episode. People with this specific issue are often told that they are “dramatic”, “attention seeking”, or “future abusers” for what amounts to an automatic emotional response that a person cannot control. This constant pushback forms a metaphorical blister that can easily be popped back open when you see anything that reminds you of what caused it in the first place.

Now, let’s move on to the Jedi. While it can be argued that their teachings were intended to instruct people to reign in their BEHAVIOR as a result of their emotions, several lines in the fist six movies sound an awful lot like they are condemning having negative emotions at all. Yoda literally tells both Luke and Anakin that emotions like fear and anger BY THEMSELVES are of the Dark Side, and these lines were very difficult for a lot of people who have dealt with trauma, neurodivergence, or other issues that cause “big emotions”. These lines, intentionally or not, mirror a lot of the things that real people have said to those of us dealing with emotion dysregulation, and people have every right to talk about this in their own spaces unmolested.

Some of the defenses of the Jedi in the context of how they are instructed to deal with their emotions come off as dismissive at best and ableist at worst. Yes, if you dig through Star Wars canon enough, you can find portrayals of the Jedi and emotions that point to a more nuanced view where choices and actions are the source of evil rather than the emotions, but this does not change the fact that the Yoda lines and other emotionally repressive applications of the Jedi Code very much exist in parts of canon. A person who found the emotionally repressive variant of Jedi teachings to be upsetting due to a disability will likely feel as though you are trying to dismiss their feelings and belittle them if you “correct” them for “misinterpretation of the Jedi”. I get that it sucks to see people bash your blorbos, but if someone is doing it because they are dealing with something IRL like trauma or ableism, then it’s best not to engage and just let that person work through it.

I have also seen people who are defending the Jedi make statements that outright attack people for having intense emotions. I remember a take that basically said that you were a baby or a psychopath if you found the Jedi code regarding emotions to be “too hard”. I’ve seen people dismiss the trauma that Anakin went through and its possible effect on how he reacted to some aspects of the Jedi order in a way that mirrors the invalidation that those of us with emotional regulation issues have experienced for being “too much” for all of our lives. Yes, it is important to avoid harming others when you are in a bad place, and no Anakin was not a great person, but so many of these takes are devoid enough of nuance that they read as if they are just trashing people who have “too many”emotions.

Feel free to defend your favorite characters all that you would like, but please spare a thought for those of us who might not dig everything about them for reasons connected to disability and trauma. The Jedi aren’t real, but we very much are.

#jedi critical #fandom ableism

[mollfie]

I was reading a really good thread by a male SA survivor about how a lot of the fan sexualisation of Astarion makes them uncomfortable, how a lot of people seem to miss the nuance of his character, things they wish had been handled better, what he liked etc. I often forget how people can be super weird about traumatised characters like Astarion. He was not telling others how to enjoy their game, just talking about their experience, but brought up some great points that gave me something to think about.

I very much focus on the hurt/comfort nonsexual aspect first. I love the dynamic of Astarion healing and working out what he wants in all aspects of his life.

I wish the game allowed for more nuance regarding that. It would have been great to be able to really encourage Astarion to heal and assure him that you're not going anywhere beyond a line or two.

But, they're also all adult characters, and I think it's disingenuous to act as if abuse survivors can't enjoy sex and have ownership over their sexuality. I also would have liked the game to explore that more and had some more in-depth interactions where Tav or whoever could assure Astarion and be more supportive.

There's a few moments, such as with the Drow Twins, where I would have liked just one or two lines addressing consent and discomfort. I would be interested to hear why the writers made some of the choices they did.

I think a lot of fans don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. They just get caught up in the horniness of it all and are having fun. I also think a lot of people haven't finished Astarion's personal quest or played very far into the game or just don't think about it beyond them being fictional. And, it should go without saying that most people wouldn't behave the same way in real life.

Overall, I think Larian did a stellar job. Better than any other crpg I've played in recent years. Luckily, I am also very happy to fill in the gaps and head canon things I thought could be better.

I love Astarion because he is a complex character. I always like characters who are dealing with and overcoming their trauma, finding friendship/love/family, and maybe some revenge as a little treat. I like characters who are not nice. Let them be messy and awful and human. My favourite thing is when someone is terrible but trying to do better, and they are still loved even at their worst.

The way some people act about Neil Newbon, though, does weird me out. He has also mentioned how some elements hit close to home for him, and he drew on that for Astarion's characterisation while voice acting and working with the writers. He doesn't seem all that bothered by how people act, and he plays into the Astarion bit online and on streams. I just find some comments and content to be super out of pocket.

This is such a messy post. Just some rambling thoughts. Anyway, it was a good thread. I just have a lot of feelings. I could expand on this even further, but this post is long enough already.

#bg3 spoilers #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #mollfie

[sokkastyles]

Hi,

Hope you are doing well. Thank you for the response on TSR. I had another question regarding TSR.

I was reading a comment about Kataang, and in that comment one thing that caught my attention was that Aang never asked about Kya's death, whereas Zuko did and that got me thinking. It shows that Zuko is willing to figure out why Katara was angry, whereas Aang did not ask, and from my memories of TLA episodes, its never implied that Aang ever asked about Kya, even off screen, otherwise he may have understood in TSR, why Katara needed to make the trip at the start or perhaps not. This seems like a problem with Aang and Katara's friendship. I am not sure whether Aang's age can be used as a factor here.

This is not about the ships, just a thought I had. I would like your thoughts on this.

Yes, I definitely think this is a huge reason why Katara felt alienated by Aang, and not just Aang, but Sokka, too. In general, I think the lack of support Katara gets vs how much she gives to others came to a head in that episode.

As other people have pointed out, Aang's reaction to Katara talking about her mother's death, which she does in order to prepare him for what he might find at the Southern Air Temple, before he realizes what has happened to his people, is to dismiss her. He's not doing this because he doesn't care about her loss, but he's doing it because he doesn't want to face the truth about his own loss, and is very unintentionally careless and condescending.

Katara: [Close-up of Katara.] Well, I just want you to be prepared for what you might see. The Fire Nation is ruthless. [Sadly.] They killed my mother, and they could have done the same to your people.

Aang: [Ponders over her words for a bit. Hopefully.] Just because no one has seen an airbender, doesn't mean the Fire Nation killed them all. They probably escaped!

Katara: [Places one hand on Aang's shoulder.] I know it's hard to accept.Aang[Cheerfully, as Katara moves her hand back to her side.] You don't understand, Katara. The only way to get to an airbender temple is on a flying bison, and I doubt the Fire Nation has any flying bison! [Caresses Appa's head.] Right, Appa?

(He also, ironically, tells Katara that she doesn't understand, but when she says that to him because he's being dismissive to her, she's the one in the wrong, somehow.)

Of course, I feel for Aang not wanting to admit that his people could be wiped out that easily, but what he says to Katara is that while it could have happened to her mother, it can't possibly have happened to the airbenders. They must have escaped! I mean, he has a point - how DID the Fire Nations single-handedly destroy a nation of flying nomads - but still, that's kind of an awful thing to say in response to someone telling you their loved one was murdered and fearing it also happened to yours. Like, RIP to your mom, Katara, but my people are different!

If you think about Katara's other experiences telling people about her mom, Jet was sympathetic but used her mother's death to try to get Katara to go against her morals (something antis often accuse Zuko of), Haru is sympathetic but too scared to act until Katara pushes him, and Sokka, who she also gets angry at in this episode, tells Zuko in the very same episode that his mother's death is not something he likes to think about.

Again, Sokka is not intentionally being callous, his reaction is born of trauma, but it clashes with Katara's trauma because Katara NEEDS to talk about what happened.

Aang and Sokka have similar ways of compartmentalizing their grief, and they expect Katara to do the same thing. Zuko not only is in a position to know that this is not what Katara needs not only because he connected with her in the caves, but also because he and Katara are similar in temperament in that they are unable to repress or deny their emotions in the same way, and both have people around them telling them that they should do that.

And the age excuse...the thing about it is, whether Aang's age is a factor in his behavior or not, it's still the same behavior, and it still hurts Katara. But I especially find it frustrating when people act like Aang isn't old enough to know better in comparison to Zuko. Zuko may be older, but unlike Aang, he is not presented by the narrative as a person wise beyond his years, and did not grow up with excellent role models and circumstances that would turn him into a mature young man. He did do a lot of growing in the short time between when he talked with Katara in the caves and TSR, and that shows in his behavior, but he shows more sensitivity towards Katara's mother's murder even when he's still loyal to the regime that killed her than Aang does. Aang is a twelve year old raised by pacifist monks, but somehow he can't empathize with Katara enough not to belittle her grief, whereas Zuko is able to overcome sixteen years of fascist propaganda in two minutes?

#the southern raiders #katara #kya #zuko #zutara #antikataang #just in case this shows up in ka tags

[prettysweetprettysweet]

re: my sex scene poll, I do think that plot-wise the scene that's most relevant and most likely to be revisited (or just simply visited in this case) would be the post-reunion one because of how it ties into Louis' refusal to identify as or be considered a victim, which is emotionally intertwined with Louis' habit of always choosing Lestat first, as well as the questionable integrity of his present-day mental health. I think Daniel is going to keep harping on Louis about these details because he now has proof that he's either missing important puzzle pieces, OR he couldn't get the puzzle pieces to fit together if he tried.

I think Daniel will ask, how could you choose him over and over after what he did? did you suffer no PTSD at all? did you not experience flashbacks to when he dragged you by your jaw down the alleyway, every time he touched your face? did the power imbalance not constantly hang heavy in the air? did the unspoken knowledge that you were powerless against him not make you feel like you had to do whatever he wanted, including sexually? did you ever have panic attacks and did Lestat ever see one?

and if Louis continues to insist on 'no' for all these questions I think Daniel will ask, well why is that? either you're made of teflon and shit doesn't stick to you, OR things are veiled even to you, and the architect of this particular memory chamber did not think of constructing the web of impacts both big and small that results from trauma of this nature, the trauma of almost being murdered by your husband.

so when Daniel continues to challenge everything about Louis' story, if it happened as Louis told it, perhaps we'd get a callback to the apology that we never heard. perhaps, after Louis takes Lestat home and they sit down with Claudia for the rules and then retire for the morning, when they are finally ALONE alone, we will see a deeply fragile Louis regarding Lestat with fear that he tries and fails to conceal. and this is Lestat's window to show his remorse.

or, if it didn't happen the way we were told, we will see them reuniting after whatever had kept them apart for such a long time is resolved, in a scene of intimacy reflecting their actual relationship dynamic at that point in time.

(and related to that last thought, this is just further speculation but in regards to the ACTUAL dynamic between them at that time I wonder if post-finding out about Antoinette and pre-Claudia proposing the murder plan, Louis and Lestat had actually come to an understanding that filled them both with warmth and hope for their future - but Louis, who will indulge his guilt every time without question, felt an obligation to listen to and assist Claudia when she told him they were Lestat's prisoners/victims. and this is an example of how Armand has protected Louis by both abridging the diaries [which, if they follow the books, delve into how Claudia manipulated Louis because he was the weakest link, and other unsavory tidbits about her nature] and revising his memories to remove any sense of hope that Lestat cared/was trying and that something could eventually work. i.e. Armand is protecting him from the knowledge that he had egregiously wronged Lestat and that whatever deep paternal/fraternal feelings he had for Claudia were not reciprocated, at least not with the same intensity. failed husband, failed father, failed brother, failed son, failed vampire, failed human)

edit: just a note that i completely agree the latter option would creatively be the absolute worst way to resolve that storyline as well as well as communicating very awful messages on literally every front. i'm super preoccupied with the way that there is no concrete evidence within his narrative as he tells it that Louis has experienced any symptoms of PTSD after the assault, and am trying to think through all the narrative reasons they would have chosen to omit it - and hopefully there is a narrative reason, and its not just lazy or superficial writing. retroactive absolution of characters is something i saw a lot on TV growing up in the 90s, with writers undermining the power of their own stories, its a trite storyline and definitely within the realm of possibility. and if they don't address it at all, i will be very irked.

#yo mismo #iwtv #amciwtv #interview with the vampire #louis de pointe du lac #amc iwtv #yomismoiwtv

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Regarding the split!Kim AU I'm just gonna put my ramble of thoughts out on here.

1. Okay so what events led to Kim wanting to remove his younger self? What inner turmoil, self depreciating nonsense thoughts did he put himself through?

2. Where did Kim find this magic spell and how did he follow through with it without searching for it's consequences/side effects? Did he go down a black hole on the web and found the most reviewed witch/ spell out there to help him? Idk how to words more on this brainrot

3. How long was it till Kim hid what he did and how did young!Kim reach the compound??

4. What all young!Kim must be thinking and what did he do that everyone in the compound realized something was wrong? (Plus I hope Korn is dead in this, he doesn't deserve to be alive)

5. What was Chays reaction to young!Kim and how he takes care of him and spends time with him? (just being the most loving, and Kim feels so touched and full of unknown feelings because Chay?? the love of his life?? accepts and appreciates and treats young!Kim like he's the most precious in this entire world???)

6. Young!Kim's reaction to finding out about Wik? Is he shocked/ surprised/ wonderstruck? In complete awe of himself of the future?

7. How does Kim behave with young!Kim? Is he hesitant at first? But then he sees the way everyone else treats him and has Feelings™ and then thinks (a lot) and maybe something happens like some new stupidass bodyguard shouting at/ hurting young!Kim and Kim just snapping out on him, completely pissed off and in the worst rage he could ever have, completely protecting young!Kim like who tf you think you are?? How dare you??

Okay I think that's all for now, sorry for the spam of Randomness™😅

(yes i typed this up in my notes first so i don't accidentally lose anything.)

Anon darling I'm kissing you on the forehead, you're hitting so many of my story points with these asks! I feel Seen.

I haven't decided what Kim specifically does/feels that makes him want to do this in the first place. Since I started the fic where it's already happened, I just kinda. Handwaved it. But he does comment on the fact that Chay has been pushing him towards therapy, so that's probably part of it. Kim would rather lose all his memories than talk about his feelings. He's also 2 years into dating Chay (which honestly. That's bc I wanted baby Kim to be 13, and aging Kim up to 23 gave me an easy 10 years to work with. Tbh it would work better if Kim were only a few months into dating Chay and he was willing to do anything to Be A Good Person/Boyfriend/makeup for the breakup. BUT I DIGRESS!) Anyway being with Chay makes Kim want to be/feel better, and this is his nuclear solution. It does not work.

I also don't know how he did it! I... hesitate to write white pagan magic in KP fics. Maybe Kim pulled a Porsche and went to a monk for help dealing with his traumas, and ended up with a modified past life ritual that ended up splitting him right down the middle. The most important side effect is the way Kim feels about his brothers now; Tawan trauma happened when Kim was a little older, so the Kinn his child self remembers is still very loving and happy, he hasn't pulled away yet. But for adult Kim, who's memories start when he was a teenager... there was so much distance between him and his brothers, and then he moved out a couple years later, so he feels like they're practically strangers to him. Like really distant family that you only see at weddings and funerals. Meanwhile kid!Kim is a precocious little smol who's cuddling both of them whenever he can. (Khun loves it, Kinn has no idea what to do with it but he loves it too. Adult Kim is jealous but wouldn't know how to accept affection from them.)

It all happens pretty much the next day/couple days later, as of the current time line! Kim goes to the temple and does his thing. Kid!Kim manifests wherever he was when the memory split happens; so he just. Wakes up somewhere in the middle of Bangkok, and has to find his way back to the compound. Meanwhile KimChay are living in his condo, obliviously going about their lives. It takes a while for Kid!Kim to get home, then he's sneaking all around because things are different and he doesn't understand why (and he keeps stabbing people, but like. stabby the Roomba more than murder); Kinn has to find him/calm him down/get Porsche involved and figure out what's going on before anyone thinks to call Chay (who's been busy having sex with adult Kim lol)

Korn is dead! Bc I'm lazy and didn't want to think about all the terrible things he could do to mess with smol Kim! Like I said, Kim is kind of a feral cat just let loose in the compound, surrounded by people he doesn't know and freaking out a lot, until the guards finally get him cornered in his old room and notify Kinn. Then eventually Chay gets a call from Porsche, and he goes to the compound with adult Kim, and it's a whole Thing.

Chay absolutely adores kid!Kim. He's absolutely feral but he's also a cutie pie, and he gets a crush on Chay quick. Chay loves it; he was such a lovestruck kid with Kim, now it's his turn! (And he teases adult Kim soo much about how he like likes him >,<). Adult Kim is weird with his younger self at first, bc as far as he's concerned, this may as well be a random child. So Chay schlorps him up quick bc the poor kid needs love. And Kim does come to appreciate the way Chay takes care of his younger self (he has some very odd memories about it when they're eventually reunited.)

My goodness, young Kim is so excited. At that age, he had all these dreams about the life he wished he could have, but he never thought it would really happen. But he got away from his father, he gets to chase his dreams of making music, he has a (very cute!!) boy that loves him, that he gets to love in return. It's all his dreams come true. Again, Chay thinks this is adorable, that Kim was such a dreamy little kid. (Kim is also so excited when he finds out that!! Chay lets him write songs about him!! that's so cool!!! And Chay writes him songs too!?!?!)

Like I said, at the start kid Kim may as well be some random child, he's vaguely curious about what happened but has no personal investment (kid Kim might be. a little. heartbroken about that. He's very sensitive.) But overtime Kim warms up to him, learns how to love him and take care of him. It's seeing this as someone else, rather than himself, that allows him to "forgive" himself. It's easy to blame himself for all the bad parts of his life when he's not looking that poor kid in the eyes. And bc I think cuddles are important, and Kim definitely wasn't hugged enough as a child, there's many snugs. There are still Mafia Things going on around all this that Kim has to deal with, so kid Kim spends a lot of time with Chay and his brothers, but there are a lot of times where he's asleep between KimChay. He kind of is like their kid in some ways. It's an odd dynamic for Kim, especially when he gets those memories of being cuddled by himself and Chay?? But ultimately it's a good thing for him. (Except the Porsche memories. He doesn't want those 😤)

These were so much fun, thank you for sending them!! I love talking about this AU <3<3<3

#cookie speaks #cookie writes #kimchay #split!Kim AU