#if you remember my sister who's currently in beauty school has been bullying me about my hair | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dreamescapeswriting · 4 years

Text

BTS Reaction | You only have older Brothers [Request]

A/N: As someone who only grew up with younger brothers who hate her I can’t relate to a single thing I wrote but I wish I could...I want an older brother that’s protective of me

godjihyo04

Seokjin:

Jin had met your brothers on more than one occasion the first time he met them was at a family members wedding, you'd taken him as your date and hoped the evening would be pleasant but your brothers ended up interrogating him to find out what his intentions were with their sister, even your youngest brother decided he wanted to go as well.

"They scare me you know," Jin said that morning as you stood in front of him, it was another family event that you were dragging him along to but your brothers had promised you they would be on their best behaviour.

"They promised not to bother you this time," You giggled as you tied his tie in front of him, pushing the knot up to his top button and pulling down his collar, he stared at you with a smile on his face.

"Just because they tell you that, doesn't mean they mean it." He sighed looking at himself in the mirror, he wanted to make sure he looked perfect. It was your youngest brothers High School graduation and there was a small party being held after for all family members to go and see him, so not only was Jin worried about meeting all of your brothers again he was worried about the rest of your family.

"Baby, Jake is going to be on his best behaviour because our granddad is coming along and the rest of them will deal with me if they bother you." You promised him leaning up and giving him a small kiss on the cheek, a car horn sounded outside meaning your cousin and her date were ready to pick you up, you turned your attention to Jin again.

"How do I look?" You asked giving him a twirl so he could see the dress you'd gotten in full detail, it was a low-high skater dress with roses all over it,

"Beautiful to perfection," He whispered bringing you into his arms and kissing you, the kiss was full of passion and he smirked as he pulled away from you. You could never get used to the way his kisses made you feel, dizzy and high was the only way you could explain it, the sign of true love is what your grandmother always said to you.

"That's in case I don't survive tonight," You scoffed hitting him playfully with your purse and walking with him to go and meet your cousin outside.

(X)

You'd only left for a second to get a drink and already it was like hawks flying down to a dead body, you quickly made your way back over to Jin without the drinks to save him from your aunties who were shamelessly flirting with him.

"Thank you," Jin whispered as you walked him over to the bar, your hands linked together as you laughed about the flirting that had been happening. You were almost at the bar when Jake, your youngest brother who had graduated, stood in front of you with a smile on his face.

"Congratulations Jake," Jin reached into his blazer pocket and handed him an envelope you frowned watching the exchange, Jin hadn't told you he'd gotten your brother anything for graduating,

"It's not much but it's from me and the boys," Your brother opened it up to reveal a cheque made out to him for a grand you stared at Jin with wide eyes and watched as your brother hugged him and ran off to tell your mum what had happened.

"Did you just secretly bribe my brother into liking you?" You giggled walking up to the bar and ordering your drinks, Jin shook his head and looked over at your older brothers who were all staring at him while Jake spoke to them.

"No, it's a graduation gift. Everyone get's gifts at their graduation." You blinked at him and then shook your head,

"It's only going to make them all want something when they graduate college." You laughed taking a sip of your drink and laying your head on his chest staring at your brothers who were all smirking in your direction,

"Jin, you know I graduate next month, I was thinking sports car?" You glared at your eldest brother,

"I was thinking of punching you in the gut, leave us alone." You giggled looking up at Jin who was staring down at you already,

"I mean it, leave." You grumbled at your brother who swiftly walked away leaving you and Jin alone, he bent down to kiss you on the nose and then ordered another drink for himself deciding he was going to need another one if he was going to make it through the evening with your flirtatious family and your brothers all joking about what they wanted for graduation.

Yoongi:

It was the first time Yoongi was going to meet your brothers, you were slowly introducing him to your family not wanting to overwhelm him since it was a big and loud family and you knew how introverted he was.

"You sure you up for this? You look like you're going to pass out." You whispered as you walked up to the front door of your brother's apartment, he lived alone and so you decided it would be the best meeting point for you all instead of hanging out at the family house.

"Yeah, just a little worried." He laughed nervously and you took his hand in yours, rubbing your thumb along his soft skin and smiling at him to try and reassure him that everything was going to be fine but it wasn't going to work. Your brothers were loud and could be too much for you sometimes so you knew how overwhelming this was going to be for Yoongi. Sure he was around his friends who were the same but they were friends, Yoongi wasn't as open with new people as he was with the boys. You gave his hand a squeeze before ringing the doorbell,

"Took you long enough! You been giving him a pep talk!?" You brother yelled throwing his arm around Yoongi and making you cringe as they pulled him into the apartment leaving you on the doorstep,

"Giving him tips on how to beat you guys up if you grab him like that." You grunted jumping onto the back of your brother who had grabbed Yoongi,

"She's a monster, why are you dating her?" Your youngest asked taking Yoongi over to the sofa and offering him a drink, you stared at Yoongi who was already smiling and cracking jokes with your brothers.

"Has she started snoring yet, let me tell you it's like a truck going by." You threw a pillow at your brother and it bounced off hitting Yoongi,

"HEY! You leave my new best friend alone," You groaned sitting beside Yoongi who oddly enough seemed to be getting on along well with your brothers, you hated it. You'd rather him be anxious around them than this, all of them ganging up on you and bullying you.

"We're just playing Y/n, lighten up!" Your oldest brother said wrapping his arm around your neck and rubbing the top of your head so much it caused a friction burn.

"Y/n mentioned you're in the music business." He added looking at Yoongi with a raised eyebrow, he'd always been the most protective over you and wanted to make sure anyone you were in a relationship with was the right one for you.

"Yeah, I am." Yoongi stuttered out looking at you, you'd only mentioned that he was in the business you failed to mention the awards they'd won, the shows they'd done and everything else that went along with his lifestyle.

"Are you any good? I don't want my sister dating some sound cloud rapper with no future goals." You choked on air and smacked your brother around the arm for saying that,

"He's perfect, in fact, he's-"

"She's too kind, I'm alright but I promise to look after your sister." You stared at him as he spoke to your brother with confidence before they all turned on you once again bullying you about your snoring and drolling.

"I hate you all." You grumbled going into the kitchen to leave the boys to their bonding, you stared at the empty fridge and made a promise to yourself to tell your mum that your brother was most likely living off take out.

"When are you going to get a girlfriend? You never have food!" You yelled turning the tables around so you were all ripping into your eldest brother for being single.

"It's the bachelours lifestyle, you wouldn't understand." You laughed sitting beside Yoongi and handing him a cup of water,

"I'll order us food when we're home." You whispered to him wanting the evening to pass by quicker than it currently was you wanted to go home and crawl into bed beside Yoongi so you could nap the embarrassment away.

Hoseok:

The annual family BBQ was today and you were trying to mentally prepare Hoseok for it, your family were loud and rowdy when it came down to family gatherings and you wanted Hoseok to have a full warning.

"The code name, to leave if it gets too much do you remember it?" You questioned looking over at the house, you were sitting in the car with Hoseok who didn't seem nervous at all, you seemed to be nervous for the both of you.

"I don't need a codeword."

"Just repeat it back to me." You whispered looking at him with pleading eyes hoping that he would take this more seriously than he currently was.

"The codeword is purple." You smiled and looked back at the house, your auntie was stood waiting for you to walk over and you knew it was too late to start to the car up and drive away.

"It's now or never." You groaned getting out of the car and plastering on a fake smile, you walked over and hugged her.

"This is Hobi, Hobi this is my auntie-"

"You can just call me auntie Shell." You watched as she pushed you away and dragged Hoseok into a tight hug, you stared at them and then heard your mum and dad coming. He'd already met your parents so that part wasn't too bad it was mostly your brothers you were worried about since they were older than you and all cared about you a lot.

"They're in the garden, don't look so worried." Your mother said hugging you while your father shook Hoseok's hand, just as you were about to say something there was a smashing sound in the kitchen.

"TODD!" Your mother screamed walking away from you, you took Hobi by the hand and squeezed it,

"We can still make a break for it." You whispered but he pulled you further into the house to see what was happening, in the kitchen stood the youngest of your older brothers staring down at a vase on the floor that was now smashed up.

"That was my favourite vase!" Your auntie yelled looking at the broken shards and then to your brother who was now trying to escape through the kitchen door to walk over to you,

"No! You're going to glue this back together, and you're not eating until it's done." Todd grumbled something and once everywhere cleared out of the kitchen you walked over to help him pick up the pieces.

"I think the glue is in the top drawer, can you get it for us Hobi?" He nodded walking over to the drawer and finding it for you,

Two hours later and you, Hobi and your brother were all sitting around the coffee table putting the last piece together staring at the vase in silence in case one word, one gust of wind or anything would just cause it to shatter and make you start again.

"There they are!" The door slammed shut and all your hands reached out to protect the vase that didn't even wobble, you felt a breath on your ear.

"What are we doing?!" You elbowed him in the gut from a reflex and he grunted out laying down behind you and Hoseok,

"Sorry, you scared me." You giggled watching as your eldest brother rolled around on the floor clutching his stomach in pain.

"You're evil, Hoseok why are you dating her, you could do better if I'm honest." You were pushed out of the way and you sat next to Todd who was still staring at the vase but chipping in to bully you along with your eldest brother.

"My boyfriend can date-"

"No one asked you," Todd said pushing you back against the sofa so he could face Hoseok and start telling him embarrassing stories about you,

"Purple." Hoseok stared at you,

"Purple." You repeated staring back at him but he smirked as your brothers questioned why you were saying the colour purple over and over again,

"You gave him a codeword and you're using it?!" They laughed making you cringe and scream into a pillow as they continued to list of embarrassing things you had done as a child,

Namjoon:

Your dad wasn't around for you growing up so it was just you, your mum and your four older brothers who collectively turned into a father for you. Each of them having their own parenting styles when it came to you, Todd the youngest was more laid back about everything, you were allowed to stay out late, you could come back whenever you wanted and he wouldn't tell your mum, Carl the second youngest was a little stricter you could go out but if you were going to be out late he wanted to know and you had to let him know who you were with. Kevin the third was a mixture of them both, he wanted you home no later than midnight and he wanted to know who you were with and wanted to meet them beforehand and then there was Jason. The oldest. He was the worst. He wanted you home by 8 pm no matter what, he didn't care who it was if you were just friends you weren't allowed to be alone with guys, he knew how guys worked and he didn't want you dating until you were of age. That was how it worked, you didn't date until you were of age and the only boyfriend you'd had before Namjoon was warned by them all that if he ever hurt you they'd hurt him and they did. Breaking his arm in a football match to make it look like an accident after he cheated on you with someone else.

"Namjoon you don't get it, they're serious-" You were cut off by the door opening and Jason was standing there with his arms folded across his chest, you were late home and he was staring at you.

"Listen, Jason, it's not Namjoon's fault-"

"It is my fault, I should have checked the time of the movie and then text you myself but I didn't and I came to drop her off and apologise." Your brother looked Namjoon up and down and inviting him inside, you held onto Namjoon as if he was a liferaft and you sat on the sofa together. All your brothers were staring at Jason as he paced back in forth in front of you,

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a songwriter/rapper in a band." Namjoon was ready for any questions he would have for you,

"How much do you earn-"

"Jason! Enough!" You yelled standing up for Namjoon,

"Y/n it's fine," You sat back down at Namjoon's words and he told Jason what he was earning, and how he was planning to care for you if it was to ever fail, which it wouldn't.

"Do you love her?"

"With all my heart," You stared at Namjoon's side profile as he made eye contact with each of your brothers.

Once the interrogation was over you walked Namjoon out to the car and he sighed looking at you,

"That was scarier than the speeches I've given." You giggled at him and kissed his cheek knowing your brothers would be watching through the windows,

"I love you Namjoon, call me when you get home safely." You whispered to him giving him another kiss on the cheek and waiting until he'd driven off to go into your brothers and yell at them for being so scary to him.

Jimin:

You stared at Jimin from across the table, you were anxiously waiting for your brothers to come and meet you in the cafe that you'd told them to come to. Jimin decided that he wanted to meet your family and since your brothers were the most protective over you, you decided to get that one out of the way before anyone else.

"You okay? You haven't touched your cupcake." Jimin said looking at you, you looked back at him and then back out of the window. Every small sound put you on edge thinking it was your brothers,

"Yeah, I just. Did I tell you their names?"

"Four times now, I know which each of them does for a living and I know their partner's names." You nodded anxiously and rubbed the palms of your hands on your jeans, you hadn't been this nervous since your first date with Jimin and he could tell it was bothering you,

"Hey, it's fine-"

"Little sister!" You heard your older brother, Carl, scream as he entered the cafe followed by your younger brothers who all screamed your name out alerting the people in the cafe.

"Sorry." You yelled as you got up to hug Carl who in turn picked you up from the floor and span you around,

"You must be Jimin?!" Your youngest brother questioned as Jimin got up to shake their hands,

"We're huggers here!" They all hugged him and you were placed back down on the ground where Carl leant on your shoulder.

"She's so small, like a little leaning post." You glared up at your brother who then hugged Jimin,

"Your boyfriend is taller than you too, I thought you said he was short." Jimin glared at you playfully and you all sat down at the booth and ordered food together.

"Why did you want to meet in public, afraid we'd embarrass you?" You stared at Carl who was smirking at you and you knew he'd already prepared all of the horror stories to tell Jimin from your childhood.

"Afraid of embarrassment from you? Trust me, I know a lot of worse stories to tell your girlfriend." You scoffed biting into the muffin and relaxing a little as you saw how great Jimin was getting along with your brothers. It felt nice to not have to worry about them hating him, from the looks of it they were already treating him like he was one of their own, offering to take him out to basketball games, or football games when the time came. Carl leant down to your ear so only you could hear him,

"You like him a lot?" You nodded at your brother's question while staring at Jimin,

"I love him," He smiled at you, he'd never seen you this happy before and he was going to do everything he could with his older brother powers to keep it that way.

Taehyung:

You were running late from work and Taehyung was supposed to be picking you up any minute, normally it wouldn't be a problem but your older brother was home alone meaning if Taehyung got home before you did he would come face to face with him and you didn't want that.

"Tae! Answer your phone, please don't tell me you're already at mine, work was running late so I'm not there yet, call me back." You said down the phone as you rushed out to your car, it was pouring it down meaning your picnic date was cancelled anyway and you were going to have to find something else to do with Tae that night.

"Fuck." You cried as you pulled up outside your house to see Taehyung's car parked where yours should have been, you kicked off your heels running through the pouring rain to get to your front door, you made your way over to Taehyung who was sitting on the sofa and you panted looking at your brother.

"Did he bully you yet?" You asked looking at Tae who shook his head and took off his jacket to give to you, your white shirt was soaked through and your bra was on display.

"Go and get changed, we were just talking about what he does for a living." Your brother laughed watching as you slowly walked up towards the staircase to run and change into something comfortable racing back down a couple of minutes later to see Taehyung and your brother laughing about something.

"What?" You asked walking into the room and sitting down beside Taehyung who was holding a baby album where you were sitting on a changing table with your bum out,

"JASON!" You screamed taking the photo album and putting it on the coffee table, they both started laughing harder and you groaned laying your head on Taehyung's shoulder and your brother started going into detail about stupid stories about you.

"You should hear what she did last week." You stared at Taehyung as they began exchanging stories,

"We were sitting in the dorms and the electricty went out and she turned around and asked if she could still flush the toilet." You stared at Taehyung in disbelief and then at your brother who looked like he was going to break a rib from laughing so hard.

"I hate you both, you know that right?" Your brother wasn't having it though,

"You love him, I heard you saying it over the phone to him, over and over again." You groaned walking away from them and going to look for a drink,

"Where's the alcohol I'm going to need it." You joked pouring yourself a coffee and coming back into the room to see them whispering to one another,

"I don't want to know but if it's another story just remember I have some on both of you." You warned them as you stared at them both in the eyes, Taehyung snickered and your brother started shaking his head at you.

Jungkook:

Jungkook had been playing video games all night instead of paying attention to you, you were staying over at his place for the night thinking it would be a peaceful break from home but it was just the same. Yelling at ungodly hours at a game that didn't mean anything and then going to bed alone, even though he'd promised he would be up to bed with you in a bit. You'd tried to stay awake as long as possible to wait for him but it was useless and you ended up falling asleep waiting for him on top of the covers in nothing but one of his shirts thinking he would be up soon to make you warm up anyway.

You stared at the clock beside your bed and then you heard yelling, you'd only woken up because you were cold and heard yelling, Jungkook promised he would come up to bed hours ago but now he was screaming at the TV again and you heard him talking with someone, you slowly made your way down the stairs to see him sitting there on his console shouting down a headset to someone,

"Kookie, leave Tae and Jimin and come to bed." You whined grabbing his attention, he looked back at you and then right back at the TV continuing to kill people on the game. You figured he was playing with the boys like he always did when they were away from one another,

"Kookie!" You whined out and he started laughing to whoever he was on the mic with, you glared at him even though he couldn't see you.

"No, she's complaining cause I'm not in bed. No...You tell her she's your sister." That was it you were wide awake, he was with your brothers?!

"Kookie?" You sat down next to him and stole the headset from around his head and placed it onto your own head,

"I'm taking my boyfriend back," You said to your eldest younger brother who was only 17 and should have been in bed instead of playing video games at 3 in the morning with your boyfriend.

"You can't! We're in the middle of an important-"

"I will tell mum if you don't go to bed, and you Jack!" You yelled hearing your other brother snickering in the background that you were telling them off but you weren't in the mood for their games, Jungkook smirked at you as you got up and turned off the game then turning to look at Jungkook who was snickering but trying to hide it.

"You know when I said that I wanted you to get along well with my brothers this isn't what I had in mind." You mumbled pulling him away from the game and dragging him up to go to bed, you were tired and needed his cuddles to help you sleep again.

"You told me I should be friendly." You shot him a glance and he shut up knowing you weren't in the mood for jokes, he smirked picking you up bridal style as he carried you up to the bedroom dropping you on the bed and crawling in beside you.

tagline:

@yoongisdumplingcheeks @snowy-meowl @lynnthevirgo @jooniesdarlingdimples @kpopfanfictionhoes @lyoongx @callingmyangel @btsiguess-kpop @rjsmochii @fan-ati--c @mitzwinchester

456 notes · View notes

paradox-psyc-hoe-sis · 4 years

Text

Loki x plus size!reader

Loki x reader, Thor x reader (platonic), Natasha x reader (platonic).

Word count: 2.13k

Warnings: none, really? Angst I guess, mention of weight gain, stretch Mark's, cellulite, insecurity, etc.

A/n: Heyo! The reader in the story is shorter than Loki, and has stretch marks, cellulite, and is plus size. If any of these topics trigger or upset you, then please don't read! Also, I kinda made Loki an ass in this, but i really didn't mean to make him that much of a jerk whoops. Anyway, enjoy it! I'm currently writing part 2 of sticky situation, but I'm finding it a bit tricky, I'm sorry for the delay! Hopefully it should be up soon. - Aphrodite :)

(Gifs not mine! Credit to owner :3)

• Asgard was different to earth.

• Growing up, asgardians are taught to love and appreciate their, and other's, bodies. No matter what colour, shape or size, there was never any discrimination or bullying because of a person's body.

• You and Natasha were close friends, so you spent a lot of time around the avengers, often in the avengers tower.

• When you first met Thor, you knew you'd be best friends. You both grew close very quickly, and treated each other like brother and sister.

• After about a year, Thor wanted you to go and see Asgard. You were hesitant, knowing that all asgardians were as skinny and beautiful as models, but Thor really wanted you to come and meet his family. Of course, you said yes.

• When you first got there, you met all of Thor's friends and were shown around. It was only on your second day in the palace when you ran into Loki. Thor told you he had a brother, but you had no idea what he looked like or what his name was; when you bumped into him, you were surprisingly quite cool and collected. You forgot about all of your insecurities and worries as you'd been treated extremely well by other asgardians.

• However, that was not the case with Loki; he had never seen somebody as beautiful and Goddess-like as you. He didn't know what to say, and when he doesn't know what to say he results to sarcasm. He didn't mean to seem cold and cruel, but he couldn't help it.

• "I, um, I don't believe we've met. My name is y/n, I'm here with Thor."

• You stuck your hand out to him, which he did shake, but he seemed bored and uninterested. He looked you up and down, and you suddenly became anxious.

• "A midgardian, I see. Well, I'm the brother of your meat head of a friend. The name's Loki."

• You told him you were pleased to meet him, then left to go and get breakfast with Thor. You found him decently attractive; his dark hair, piercing blue eyes, tall stature. You would've been head over heels if he wasn't as disinterested and arrogant as he was when you met him.

• When you left, he mentally scolded himself for not being more polite. He truly was speechless when he saw you. You were short, your body defined with soft curves yet your stomach protruding outwards a bit more than others. Your arms and legs weren't twigs like the other asgardian women, but were larger and patched with cellulite. He found you beautiful, like a Queen in her true form, yet you found your body disgusting, like a pig mixed with a human.

• Throughout the next couple of days, Loki watched you. While you were talking with Thor, reading in the library, at one of the museums; wherever you were, you always looked so calm and tranquil. However, your mind said otherwise. Yes, Loki could read minds, but invading your thoughts made him feel guilty. Instead, he could sense your emotions, and found that your calm shell hid the raging fire in your mind. He was desperate to know more.

• Whenever Loki was in the room, however, you liked to do the same to him. You'd study his features, watch as he sipped from his golden goblet and intricately turn the pages of his book. You rarely heard him speak, and when he did, it was never to you, but his voice was cold and sharp. His responses were always witty and well thought out, and you were dying to know what was going on inside his mind.

• One night, after dinner, Loki thought it would be a good idea to 'accidentally' lock you out of your room. When you were about to enter your room, you realised it was locked, so you went to find help. Loki was the first person who you found.

• "Excuse me, Loki? I'm kinda locked out of my room, you wouldn't know how to help, would you?"

• You had just come from the great banquet, which he had missed. You wore a long, dark green velvet dress with gold accents, which had a long slit running from your right foot up to your thigh. It proudly showed off your legs, arms, and chest, even revealing a little bit of cleavage. You were scared to wear it, but Thor convinced you that you looked amazing in it.

• Loki helped you back to the room, unlocking it for you. He wore his usual green and gold outfit; perhaps there was a running theme in Asgardian clothes.

• You invited him into your room for a drink before bed, which he happily obliged to, and you thought that this cod be your chance to get to know him better. Luckily, he was thinking the same thing about you.

• "So, y/n. What part of midgard are you from?"

• "Umm, I'm from New York. What's life like on Asgard?" You didn't really want to talk much about yourself, you weren't used to having a lot of attention on you.

• Instead of answering you, Loki stared directly into your eyes for a few moments. A cold sensation grew in your mind, and suddenly you felt yourself remembering your worst memories. The image of your friends calling you fat in school flashed before your eyes. The face of your high school boyfriend after he told you that your stomach was disgusting. The memory of crying while stood in front of a floor length mirror, studying the new stretch marks on your thighs. And countless images of a set of weighing scales, the number increasing slightly each time

• Your vision was blurred as these images repeated over and over in your head, and you began crying. You didn't know what was happening, or where you were, but all you felt was pure sadness washing over your body. Suddenly, the visions stopped, and you were sat back on your bed, with Loki next to you. He looked scared, puzzled, and concerned all at the same time. Thor had warned you that Loki had magical abilities, and mind reading seemed like a fitting power to match his personality. You stood up from your bed and wiped tears from your cheeks. You couldn't stop crying, but your tears turned from ones of sadness to ones of anger.

• "What did you do to me!?"

• You tried to shout, but it got caught in a sob. Instead, your voice cracked, and you sounded similar to a screaming cat.

• Loki didn't reply to you, but he merely looked down, not wanting to meet your gaze. His face had guilt written all over it, and you knew that he saw all of your visions too.

• Without a word, you marched to the door and left. As soon as it closed behind you, you ran down the halls of the palace. You didn't care who saw you, but you needed to get to Thor.

• Once you arrived at his quarters, you didn't even bother knocking on the door before walking in. Thor was sat up in bed, reading a book that you could only guess was written in Asgardian. You were a mess; mascara running down you cheeks, red lipstick smudged at the corner of your lips, eyes and cheeks pink and puffy from crying. You explained everything to him, and he understood what you felt. Although he couldn't really comprehend why you hated your body so much, he understood that you needed to get back home.

• After you cleaned yourself up in his bathroom, you both left back for Earth. You were still wearing your green gown when you arrived back in the avengers tower at 2 in the morning. Thor went to his room after making sure you were okay, and you were left alone in the common area. Sitting down on the grey sofa, you let out a loud sob and began crying again. You made sure you weren't being too loud, as you didn't want to wake up the entire tower, but soon enough Natasha found her way to the living room. You had your head in your hands, so only knew of Nat's presence when she put a warm hand on your bare shoulder.

• As soon as you felt her touch you, you stiffened up and stopped crying. Before looking up at her, you sniffed and wiped at your eyes, trying your best to convince her that you weren't crying. You stood up, and looked up at her. Even with Asgardian golden heels, you were still shorter than everyone.

• "Hey, it's alright." She gave you a sympathetic smile before pulling you in for a hug, and as soon as you both had your arms around each other, you couldn't help but start crying again. She stroked your hair as you cried on her shoulder, and your mind went fuzzy with the typical haze of crying. She guided you to her room and managed to calm you down, and helped you get changed into a pair of her pyjamas. Once you laid down on her bed, you were asleep. Nat didn't sleep much anyway, so she was fine staying up and watching over you.

• When you woke up the next morning, you felt like crap.

• Natasha always buys pyjamas 2 sizes up, to get the cozy oversized feeling. Her pyjamas were the perfect size for you, but you became conscious of how they perfectly fitted your legs and stomach, and how much of your body was on display. Your clock read 7:38 am, so you decided to get up and go to the living area.

• When you got there, Nat was cooking in the kitchen, and Thor was sat and the island. You could already hear them talking quietly as you walked into the room, but they stopped once they saw you. The warm scent of pancakes and syrup lingered in your nose as you walked up to them both. You walked to Thor, who gave you a hug, and then you sat down. Nat squeezed your hand once you were fully sat, and placed a plate in front of you. On the plate was a stack of pancakes that rose to the level of your chin, drizzled in maple syrup.

• "I'm going back to Asgard later to talk to Loki. You never have to go back there, and he's never going to lay a hand on you again."

• You gave Thor a tiny nod and rubbed your forehead. It was more than rude for Loki to enter your mind without permission, but you couldn't get him off your mind. At least he felt bad after doing it, and he must have had a good reason to do so. If only you could turn back time to ask him why.

• Once you ate breakfast, you got dressed. You always kept some clothes there, as you spent more time in the tower than your apartment. You wanted something baggy that didn't show off any of your curves, so you opted for an oversized jumper and a pair of mom jeans. A few of the avengers were off on a mission, which left only Nat, Thor, Bruce and Peter. Peter was at his apartment, and Bruce was still in bed, so it gave you some peace and quiet.

• Thor left for Asgard half an hour later, and Nat had gone downstairs to train, leaving you alone. About an hour went by before you heard a strange noise come from the kitchen.

• You got up from your seat in front of the sofa and turned around before you saw Loki, stood in front of you. He wore an all black suit, which made him look twice as good as he did in Asgard. You wondered how he could be here, when Thor had gone to give him a piece of his mind, but you weren't in the mood to talk to him. Instead, you turned around and plopped yourself back on the sofa, and continued to scroll through Netflix.

• "Listen, y/n". He came and sat next to you on the sofa. "I know what I did was wrong. But when I first saw you, I was speechless. You are so beautiful and look like the Gods sculpted you out of clay and I...I just didn't know how to react."

• You shifted in your seat and turned to look at him. You noticed the sincerity in his eyes, and cocked an eyebrow as if to make him continue.

• "And, when I sensed your emotions all I felt was hate. Last night, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I just had to see what fueled all of that negativity. I...I'm sorry."

• You were both confused and happy at the same time. Sure, you were more than pleased that he had apologised, but he thought you were beautiful? How? You couldn't understand what part of you he liked.

• "If you don't completely hate me, I'd be honoured to maybe get you lunch?"

• You smiled, telling him you'd be happy to. God, how were you going to explain this to Thor?

228 notes · View notes

omg-imagine · 4 years

Text

⊱ New Beginnings ⊰

Request: Can you do a reid x reader where they were married at 18, and got divorced when he went to the fbi? They meet again because of a case and he realizes she still has his last name. Please and thank you. ^^ *bows* -@lulu-102

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: A bit of drama?

A/N: I’m still working on everyone’s requests but it might take some time. Online classes are twice as hard for me and I’m trying to balance everything right now along with work. But anyways, I hope you enjoy!!

The elevator dinged once it reached the fourth floor, and the doors slowly opened, revealing the homicide division of the NYPD. Spencer was the first one to step out of the elevator, and out of the corner of his eye, he thought he caught a glimpse of someone familiar.

“Pretty boy, watch where you’re going,” Derek warned right before Spencer was about to crash into a cop passing by. Spencer mumbled an apology as he quickly glanced around the room, but realized that he was probably mistaken. “Are you alright, Reid? You look like you saw a ghost or something.”

“Yeah, something like that,” Reid brushed off as the two headed to the police chief’s office.

Hotch introduced everyone to the chief before asking what they were dealing with. He discussed the details of the case, how many victims were found, and what linked them to each other. The unsub was quickly evolving, but luckily, the team already started building a profile on the jet ride there.

Towards the end, the chief revealed that if they had any questions, they could speak to the lead detective on the case. “Detective Reid will be assisting you. She may be young, but she is one of the best in this department. She knows this case inside and out. Right now, she’s finishing up interviewing a victim’s family member and will join you in the conference room shortly.”

“Reid, huh?” Morgan noted once him, Spencer, and JJ were situated in the conference room and began looking through the evidence collected. “You got a cousin or a long lost sister working for the NYPD?”

“No,” Spencer shook his head as he went over the written notes of the mentioned detective. “It’s a coincidence. My last name is pretty common.”

“Well, let’s hope she’s pretty,” Morgan teased, causing Spencer to roll his eyes. “Doctor and Detective Reid. If you two got married, she wouldn’t have to change her name!”

Spencer glared at his colleague, and JJ luckily stepped in. “Boys, behave. We’ve got a case.”

“Thanks, JJ,” Spencer said with a smirk before noticing Morgan’s attention moved to the doorway, and he turned his head around.

For a moment, Spencer couldn’t move. He couldn’t blink, nor could he speak. His mouth was agape as he stared at the figure entering the door, not believing who he was seeing. It’s been almost ten years, and all Spencer could think of was how the universe brought him back to you.

“Spencer?” You spoke his name in a soft voice as you walked further into the room. Spencer stood up from his seat while you approached him. “W-What are you doing here?”

A decade passed, and you looked more beautiful now than ever. Seeing the smile playing on your lips made Spencer’s heart race. You still had that effect on him even after all this time.

“I’m working the case,” he answered as you continued to look at him in shock.

“Um, Spence?” JJ interjected. “Are you going to introduce us to your friend here?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” you apologized, taking a step back from Spencer, and it was only until now did he notice how close you were standing. “I’m (Y/N) Reid, the lead detective of the case you’re currently working on. The police chief spoke to you, yes?”

Morgan nodded as he eyed the both of you carefully. “And may we know how you two know each other?”

“Um,” Reid began before he traded looks with you as if he were unsure of how to explain it. “We were… married.”

JJ and Morgan’s eyes widened at his revelation. Spencer never talked about that part of his past because he thought there was no need to mention it. It happened a long time ago, and they had both agreed that it was a mistake to get married at the age of 18. You seemed to have moved on, but to Spencer, you were the one who got away.

“Married?” JJ repeated as Morgan glanced back and forth between you and Spencer. “How come you never told us you were married?”

Spencer’s lips were pressed into a thin line before you cleared your throat. “I’m sorry, but this is none of your business. If you all are ready, I’d like to hear what you have on the suspect’s profile.”

As you talked about the case, Spencer couldn’t stop watching you, the memories flashing inside his head all of a sudden.

You two grew up next door to each other and were childhood sweethearts. You stood up for him when he was relentlessly bullied, and you became the only friend he truly had. When you were teens, you eventually started dating and experienced a lot of firsts together.

After you graduated high school, you suggested the craziest idea of getting married. Spencer, being so madly in love with you, didn’t even hesitate. Before he realized it, you two were exchanging vows at the courthouse. Aside from you and Spencer, your parents and his mother were the only witnesses. It was a small, intimate ceremony, and it was perfect.

You were married for three blissful years and moved to New York together. That was until Spencer decided to join the FBI, which meant relocating to Virginia. You were reluctant to do so, however. You had just started working as a cop in the NYPD, and you loved being in the city. It was a difficult decision, but you still wanted to make it work.

So, Spencer left New York for Quantico. A month into the Academy, you met up with him at a café and explained that as much as you loved Spencer, they shouldn’t have gotten married so young. You didn’t think that you two would have different dreams and aspirations at this point in your life. Both of you were still growing up, figuring out your places in this big world.

You were the first one to sign the divorce papers soon after. Spencer remembered taking off the ring on his left hand once he signed his name on the document and how his heart began to ache at the fact that it was over. Even though the two of you promised to keep in touch as friends, life got in the way. Eventually, you stopped speaking, but Spencer’s love for you never went away.

While watching you speak, Spencer realized something. You were Detective Reid. It’s been ten years since the divorce, and you didn’t change your last name. Spencer couldn’t help but wonder what that could mean. As he thought of the possibilities, he didn’t notice the room clearing and you taking a seat beside him.

“You look great,” you began, bringing Spencer back to reality. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” Reid agreed in a low voice, before shifting in his seat. “I don’t know why I was surprised to see you here. I knew you still worked for the NYPD.

You smiled softly at him, and it was something Spencer had missed seeing. “When the chief said he’s bringing the BAU in, I wasn’t sure if you were still with them.”

Silence hung in the air as you both tried to come up with what to say next. Spencer contemplated leaving the room and trying to see if Hotch needed him for something else. But when he was about to get up, he heard you sigh before speaking.

“I guess you’re wondering why I kept your last name,” you said, making Spencer decide to stay. “I thought about doing that right after we got divorced. We weren’t together anymore, and I should have changed it. But something in me didn’t want to do that. If I have to be honest, I think I kept it because I didn’t really want to let go.”

Spencer saw the smile disappear from your lips. “I wanted us to work out, but you were right. We were kids when we got married. It wasn’t the smartest move, and I knew you regretted it.”

“I never regretted it,” you corrected Reid, much to his surprise. “I loved you all those years, and I was so happy when you agreed to marry me. But when I asked for a divorce, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to hold you back from joining the FBI, and I didn’t want to leave my job so soon after starting.”

“What about now?” Spencer asked almost hesitantly. By the way, the conversation was going, it was giving him hope. He didn’t want to be too optimistic about hearing what he wanted to hear. Because even after ten years, Spencer loved you and wished that one day, he would see you again.

You stayed quiet, pondering on the question given. You clasped your hands and rested them on your lap as you stared at the floor beneath your feet. Your eyes then flickered up to meet with Spencer’s, and he watched them soften once your gazes locked. He could feel his heart beating wildly inside his chest as you reached for his hands on the table.

“I love you, Spence, but we can’t go back to the way we left things. Ten years has been too long. We’re two different people now, living different lives,” you finally spoke, and Spencer released the breath he was holding. His heart sank at your words, but you weren’t finished. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try again. I want to learn everything new about you and share with you things that are new about me. I want this to be a new beginning for both of us if you’re willing.”

Instead of saying yes, Spencer leaned in and pressed his lips against yours. Almost immediately, you responded to his kiss, bringing one hand to cup the side of his face. Pulling away once you were out of breath, you beamed at Spencer as you tucked a strand of his curl behind his ear, a gesture you often did during tender moments like these.

“So, what do you think, Spence?” You asked sweetly. “After this case, we should have coffee and figure out how we’re going to do this.”

“We should,” Spencer agreed, catching sight of Morgan calling him over from outside of the hallway and your phone ringing in your pocket at the same time. “Here’s to a new beginning.”

“I can’t wait,” you chirped before stealing another kiss from Spencer and returning to work.

Tagged: @arganfics

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x you #spencer reid #criminal minds #reader insert #my fics #request

284 notes · View notes

violent-optimism · 3 years

Text

Why Twilight Princess is the Best Zelda Game (To Me!)

Hey ya’ll,

I know I don’t really talk about video games that much. I really should though! Video Games have been a huge part of my life for pretty much as long as I can remember.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is a game that means so much to me I can scarcely put it into words. I was 10 years old when this game came out, the perfect age in my opinion. I think if I had been any older or younger it might have slipped past my radar. Despite the game being rated T for Teen, my parents got it for me and my sister anyway which I think is pretty fucking rad.

Not that we really knew what we were in for, of course. I was just a kid. I didn’t read game reviews yet, and I didn’t have any friends who had played this game so I couldn’t ask them about it either. When we first popped that disc in and were brought to the main menu, we had absolutely NO idea just what kind of ride we were in for or how just how much this game would impact us.

Another thing I’d like to mention was how this game was introduced into my life at the perfect time. My sister and I had just moved schools. We were the new kids, and we had a lot of trouble adjusting and fitting in. There was definitely some teasing, maybe even some bullying. I don’t remember much from those days to be honest. But you know what I do remember? Playing Twilight Princess. This game was the perfect distraction from my crappy school life, and in a time where my sister and I barely had any friends, it was so comforting. We’ve always been close, but I think we bonded a lot over this game.

If you’re a gamer, you know this feeling; the feeling when you are currently playing a game that is just so fun, so amazing, so utterly addicting in the best possible way; that when you’re away from it it’s all you can think about. I distinctly remember my Dad installing the new TV which meant no Twilight Princess for a day or so. I was SO impatient and I just couldn’t wait for him to be done so I could continue playing it.

Even though I’ve now played Twilight Princess so many times that I could basically play it with my eyes closed (maybe lol) I still remember experiencing some of the best moments of the game for the very first time; running around Ordon Village, finding Midna, beating the first dungeon, finding out that GANONDORF was in the game! (Remember I had no way of knowing this at the time). Every big moment, every discovery, every heart-wrenching cut scene, it all felt so real and so important at the time. In a lot of ways, it still is.

Okay, so that’s the personal part. A bit long-winded, I know. I just thought it was important to include for this essay. But what is it about Twilight Princess that makes it so special? Why do I love it so much even after 15 years? (God that makes me feel old). This list isn’t really in a particular order but I will definitely be covering a lot of the BIG reasons why I adore this game so much. Oh, and in case you’re a little late to the party, there will be spoilers. Let’s go!

Darker and More Mature:

There’s something really enticing about being a kid, and witnessing something in a movie, video game, etc. that you know you probably shouldn’t have watched but you did anyway. Not only is Twilight Princess the only Zelda game to date that is Rated T (I’m pretty sure anyway), but it has some seriously dark and disturbing moments throughout the story; including one VERY creepy cut scene about halfway through the game that still haunts me a little to this day. Beyond that, you’ve got painful transformation sequences, characters being stabbed, characters sacrificing themselves, and a scene where I’m pretty sure Ganondorf’s neck just gets fucking broken. I can go on, but the point is this Zelda game does not screw around when it comes to showing intense moments and it’s all the better for it. I never felt the game went too far with it, but let’s say Twilight Princess definitely earned its T rating.

Wolf Form:

I’m sure people who haven’t even played TP know that this is probably the biggest defining feature. In this game, Link gains the ability to turn into a Wolf! I know some people might consider these parts of the game to be boring and not as fun, but I have always disagreed with that notion. I think it’s a really cool and out of the box way to break the somewhat repetitive gameplay of traditional Zelda games. There’s more of a puzzle-solving element to these Wolf sections, and I for one find it very satisfying to collect the Tears of Light. Turning into your Wolf form becomes essential, especially towards the latter half of the game when you need to complete tasks that you couldn’t normally do as a human. Plus…Wolf Link is pretty darn cute! His design is awesome too.

MIDNA!!!:

And speaking of Wolf Link, around the same time Link gains this ability he also meets a character who (in my opinion) is THE BEST Zelda sidekick/companion across all the games. She’s not annoying, she’s not boring; Midna is a 3-Dimensional, fully fleshed out character that plays a crucial role in the story. I can’t imagine anyone playing this game and NOT getting attached to Midna. I know I certainly did. In the first half of the game you don’t really know that much about her, but she is certainly helpful gameplay-wise and doesn’t just give you the same useless hint over and over. Plus, the SASS! My God, Midna is so sassy I love her so much. I love how she grows and changes and becomes a better person by the end of the story. Midna really deserves her own game!

A Beautiful Game:

Now obviously this doesn’t just apply to Twilight Princess. Most Zelda games are very beautiful, especially the more modern ones such as Breath of the Wild. However, there is something about the specific beauty of Twilight Princess that just takes my breath away. The scenery is just gorgeous everywhere you go. Ordon Village is beautiful, Hyrule Field is stunning, Snowpeak is captivating, the Fishing Hole is serene, you get the picture. And to top it all off, Twilight Princess STILL looks beautiful even after all these years. The graphics have aged really well which is certainly no hindrance. As a kid I always wished that some of the locations were real, and honestly, I still kinda do.

Best version of Ganondorf:

It’s funny; I don’t normally root for villains. I tend to gravitate towards more heroic characters or characters that are more similar to me. Ganondorf is certainly the exception; specifically the Ganondorf that we see in Twilight Princess. I remember being SO EXCITED when he first appeared in a cut scene after Arbiter’s Grounds. I don’t know if it’s the way he was introduced, the raspy laugh, or his character design, but I LOVE Ganondorf in this game. He is just so bad-ass, so cool, my only wish is that we saw a little bit more of him in TP. Regardless, every time he shows up in the game, he is a formidable and dominating screen presence. And I feel no shame whatsoever admitting that 10 year old Sam developed a massive crush on this Ganondorf. Is that weird? I dunno, but either way he is just so cool as well as a fantastic addition to an already perfect game.

The Soundtrack:

Again, it’s not unusual for a Zelda game to have a really fantastic soundtrack. The series has always had amazing music since the very first game. However, the music in Twilight Princess continues to entrance me even to this day. The Main Menu theme? Amazing. Midna’s theme? Amazing. Lake Hylia? Amazing. And don’t even get me started on those beautiful Wolf Songs you sing throughout the game. It’s just a beautiful soundtrack. To say it’s nostalgic for me is a massive understatement.

Dungeon Design:

Unsurprisingly, most Zelda games tend to recycle the same temple themes over and over again. You got your forest temple, your fire temple, water, desert, time, etc. These are definitely present in Twilight Princess, but there’s something about the way they’re designed and the way you move through them that just feels so unique and wonderful. I won’t name them but I’ve played other Zelda games where the dungeons felt like a horrible, tedious chore. With TP, I never felt that was the case. Every Dungeon is packed full of secrets, with plenty of interesting set pieces to explore. Even the water temple (YES, the Water Temple!) is enjoyable to play through. The Dungeons have tons of replay value as well, meaning that you can return later and find special items that you weren’t able to access before.

And just as a fun bonus, here’s my top nine list for the Twilight Princess Dungeon’s:

9) City in the Sky

8) Palace of Twilight

7) Hyrule Castle

6) Temple of Time

5) Lakebed Temple

4) Forest Temple

3) Snowpeak Ruins

2) Goron Mines

1) Arbiter’s Grounds

And that about wraps it up, folks! Sorry this was such a long essay, I had so much to say. It is, after all, my favourite video game ever. Of course it’s not technically perfect and it definitely has some flaws. But you know what? It’s perfect to me, and I’ll never get sick of it.

Thank you so much for reading! :) Listen to this track of the opening theme and tell me you don’t feel it in your SOUL!!!

youtube

#zelda #twilight princess #game review #my thoughts

6 notes · View notes

bellakitse · 4 years

Note

Have you considered any Tarlos Au's yet? What if Owen took the job in Texas when TK was 18 so he went to college there and met Carlos and Iris. He and Carlos are BFFs who pine over each other for years, and when TK returns from visiting his mom in NY with a tongue ring, Carlos' life gets a lot harder (pun intended). Best friends to lovers ftw

Flashes of Silver

Carlos is fine with silently pining away for his best friend TK until the boy comes back to campus with a new accessory that makes Carlos’ brain melt with desire.

nonnie, you should know that this request made me scream with delight, thank you for the idea!!

@shippingsailors

“Are you even listening to me right now, Reyes?”

Carlos Reyes looks up from his phone across the small table wherehe sits with Iris Blake, to find her giving him an unamused look as she muncheson her chips.

“You ask me to have lunch with you here in the courtyard, just soyou can ignore me and stare at you’re phone?” she questions, making him winceat her tone. “I could be in the library; I have papers due.”

“We all have papers due, chica,” he shoots back, even though he’sseconds away from being in the doghouse with his friend, he’s never been ableto keep from poking the bear. His family has always said that for such amellow, quiet kid, he’s always had a reckless streak. “Besides you needed toeat, and not in the library, you know Mrs. Powellhates that.”

Iris rolls her eyes at him, but there is a hint of a smile on herface. “Goodie-goodie, no wonder that old bat loves you so much.”

Carlos gives her an unconcerned shrug. It’s true, the university’slibrarian, a grumpy sixty-eight-year-old woman with grey-blue hair, loves him.“She just wants you to respect her books and the sacred space they are held in,is that so hard?”

Iris gives him another roll of her eyes, scoffing at his words asshe bites into her turkey club. “What’s TK saying?” she asks through a mouthfull, pointing at his phone.

“He’s got a surprise, said he’s joining us in a few – “ Carlostrails off, he looks up to see a smug smirk on her face, and Carlos goes redrealizing that he never actually said that he was texting with their friend TKStrand, Iris just figured it out. “How did you –“

Iris snorts loudly, drawing the attention of a few people aroundthem. “Your face, of course,” she starts, pointing a delicate finger in hisface as she waves it around in a circle. “You had ‘TK’ face; it’s verydistinctive. All soft and lovesick, kind of like when someone shows you a puppy,and all you want to do is snuggle it close and love it forever. TK is the puppyin this analogy.”

Carlos’ face is so hot; he’s sure he’s going to catch flame. “Shutup.”

Iris lets out a laugh at his words; her delight is unmistakable.“Great comeback, Reyes,” she says, still chuckling, though her expressionsoftens when he says nothing. She sighs as her laughter trails off. “Carlos,when exactly are you going to do something about the massive crush you have onour friend?”

Carlos feels his pulse spike at her question, his mouth going dry.“I don’t have a crush on TK.”

Iris raises an eyebrow at him; she looks both unimpressed andsympathetic all at once. “No, you’re right, it’s not a crush. It was a crush senioryear when he moved to Texas and flashed those pretty green eyes at you. Afterthree years of secretly pining, never dating for long, moping when he startsseeing someone and being overjoyed when it only lasts a month, I think we cancall it what it is, so…. When are you going to do something about being in lovewith your best friend?”

Carlos opens and closes his mouth, not sure what he wants to say,when they hear their names being called out. Looking across the yard, they seeTK waving at them with a wide smile on his face as he quickly walks towardsthem.

Carlos looks back at Iris panicked. “Please, don’t say anything,”he begs, feeling his hands sweat.

“I would never,” Iris says quickly, just as TK gets to theirtable. She flashes a smile up at the new arrival. “Hey, TK! How was New Yorkand your mom?”

“Crowded, dirty, and fun,” TK laughs as he leans down to hug her.“Mom was in top mom form,” he continues turning his smile towards Carlos.

Carlos gets up to hug him too, letting out an oomph when TKall but slams into him as he hugs him.

“I missed you too, needy,” he chuckles softly when TK doesn’t letgo of him right away. He catches the raised eyebrow Iris gives him and feelshimself blushing again, but he doesn’t loosen his hold on TK until the boy letshim go first.

“I just really missed that handsome Texan face of yours,” TKteases as he steps out of his hug, taking the empty chair at the table.

Carlos tells himself not to react to the comment. TK doesn’t meananything by it; he’s never meant anything by it. TK likes to flirt andtease; he’s a happy-go-lucky guy who knows he’s beautiful and likes to jokearound with everyone, especially his best friend. It means nothing.

“So,” Carlos clears his throat, hoping the smile on his face isrelaxed, and not an awkward mess the way he always feels when TK is around.“You said in your text you had a surprise?”

TK grins at him, his green eyes sparkling with mischief, and withoutsaying a word, he sticks his tongue out.

“Holy shit!” Iris exclaims in amazement, leaning forward to get abetter look. “That’s hot, TK!”

“Thanks,” TK smirks pleased, before looking over at Carlos. “Whatdo you think? Do you like it?”

Carlos hears the question, but he can’t answer. How can he whenhis brain is currently melting, and will at any second, ooze out of his ears.TK Strand has a tongue ring, a silver little round stud that was made with thesole purpose of ruining Carlos’ life.

“I – I, yeah, looks good,” Carlos croaks out.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Iris biting down on herlip, probably to keep from laughing at how pathetic he is. Looking over at TK, he feels a pang of guiltas he sees the previously bright smile on his face has dimmed, and he looks atCarlos with an unsure expression. He wants to say something, anything to bringthat smile he loves so much back, but he feels tongue-tied and silly. Hisstupid feelings feel right on the surface, ready for everyone to see, and hejust wants to hide.

“I should go,” he says, standing up, ignoring the sound of protestTK and Iris let out. “Gotta study,” he gets out, gathering his things haphazardly.

“Carlos,” TK says his name quietly, looking up at him with a smallconfused frown, his eyes a little cloudy.

Carlos flashes him what he hopes is a smile and not a grimace. Heplaces his hand on TK’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’ll see youlater, okay?”

TK looks at him a moment longer before giving him a nod, though hedoesn’t lose his frown. “Okay.”

With one last awkward wave, he turns on his heel and hightails itout of there, away from the boy he’s stupidly in love with, and his damn tonguering.

֎֍֎

He hides out in the library like a coward. He gives Mrs. Powell awave, getting one back, and even gets half of a smile, which is the most anyonecan usually get from the older woman, before heading for the back to his usualtable.

The thing is he knows that hiding won’t help for long, not when itcomes to TK Strand. Where Carlos likes to be cautious, TK is bold. He stillremembers the boy when he first arrived in Austin, their senior year of highschool. It didn’t take long for it to get out around school that TK was gay,and it took even less time for people to try to mess with him for it. The boyhad a slimmer frame back then, dressed in tight skinny jeans, and had softpretty features. The guys they went to school with thought he was an easytarget, and TK quickly proved that line of thinking was incorrect. He wouldfight back like a hellcat, giving zero fucks about bloody knuckles as long ashis bullies were bleeding worse.

People learned not to mess with the boy quickly after that, andCarlos has been smitten ever since. Becoming his friend had given him thecourage to come out himself. After that, though at the time TK was almost ahead shorter than him, the boy had turned into Carlos’ own personal guard dog,glaring at anyone who even dared look at him wrong for being gay.

Between his sisters, the Blake girls and TK, Carlos never had toworry about anyone saying a single bad thing about his sexuality. No, TK neverbacks down from a fight, so really it’s no surprise when half an hour afterhe’s arrived at the library, nose deep into his forensic science textbook. Thechair across from him scrapes loudly against the wooden floor as it’s pulledout, and TK sits.

Carlos looks up at him, rolling his eyes as TK makes as much noiseas he can, taking out one of his books. “This is why Mrs. Powell hates you somuch; you’re so damn loud.”

“She hates me because she loves you, and she thinks I’m going tocorrupt you with my deviant ways,” TK flashes him a broad smile, and with it, Carlosgets a peek at a hint of silver.

Jesus fuck, that tongue ring is going to be the end ofhim.

“What she doesn’t get is that I have been trying to corrupt yousince the second I saw you, to no avail,” TK shakes his head sadly. “No matterhow much I try, no dice.”

Carlos rolls his eyes again at TK’s dramatics. “You act like I’msome saint, and you’re the devil here to lead me astray, calm down thetheatrics, Tyler,” he says, smirking when TK pouts at him at the use of hisname. It amuses Carlos to no end the way TK always reacts to it but yet nevertells Carlos to stop the way he does with others. Carlos tries not to give itmore importance than he does, it’s not a big deal that he’s one of the very fewpeople who knows and is allowed to call TK by his full name. It’s nothing.

They study quietly for a while, or well, TK studies,absently playing with the ring in his mouth while Carlos stares, his hand itchingto reach out for TK every time he sees the flashes of silver.

“Are you going to ask or just keep staring,” TK murmurs, his focusstill on his textbook even as Carlos spots the hint of a grin on his face.

Carlos clears his throat, feeling himself go pink at being caught,he’s had years of practice staring at TK, you would think he’d be better at it.

“Why?”

TK looks up from his book, he closes it and puts it to the sidebefore leaning in, elbows on the table as he smiles at Carlos, obviouslypleased that he caved. “Because I felt like it, and thought it would look good.”

Carlos nods; he can’t argue with the fact that it looks reallygood on TK, but then again, everything does. “Did it hurt?”

TK tilts his head to the side, thinking about it before wrinklinghis face. “Not as much as I thought it would. Afterward, it just felt weirdhaving something in my mouth.”

“Thought you’d be used to that,” Carlos mutters, smirking when TKlets out a dramatic gasp before he laughs, his green eyes dancing with amusement.

“I am curious about that,” TK comments, a mischievous glintentering his eyes. “I haven’t even kissed anyone since I got it, they say you’resupposed to wait three weeks at least.”

Carlos swallows hard as he does the math, TK’s been away for amonth. “When did you get it?”

TK looks at him as he leans back on his chair, a slow lazy smileon his face as he looks at Carlos knowingly. “The first week I got to NYC,” hesays softly, his eyes hooded as he stares at Carlos before he lets the littlesilver stud peek out again.

Carlos takes a sharp breath, his pulse spiking as he stares backat TK and reads the clear invitation on his best friend’s face. He’s not surewhat his face is saying to TK, probably all his love and the naked lust he’sfelt for him since he was seventeen, but whatever it is, it makes TK smile backat him bright and happy, his eyes dancing.

“Finally,” he breathes, never losing his smile. “I wasbeginning to think I was going to have to hire a skywriter.”

“You –,” Carlos licks his suddenly dry lips, feeling his stomachclench when TK’s eyes drop to his mouth, and he licks his own as he watchesCarlos.

“Since I met you,” TK admits softly, his face going gentle as helooks into Carlos’ eyes. “For such a smart guy, you’re so slow, baby.”

Carlos looks at him with wide eyes; he obviously has to bedreaming. His best friend in the whole world, the guy he’s been crazy about foryears now, can’t be telling him that he feels the same. There is no way he’s thatlucky.

TK’s expression softens even further, reminding him that TK canread him pretty easily. “I have to find a book,” TK starts, pointing towardsthe back of the library where no one ever really goes. Carlos watches him as hecomes around the table, holding his breath when TK runs his hand over the backof his neck, his fingers sending shivers down Carlos’ spine. “Maybe you canhelp me,” he says softly as he walks away, never once looking back to see ifCarlos is coming.

Taking a calming breath, it takes Carlos less than thirty secondsto make up his mind and stand from the table, following TK to the back. He’sfinally been given a chance to have the one thing he’s wanted forever. There’sno way he’s letting it slip through his fingers now.

He finds TK at the very end of the library, sitting on anotherreading table; this one a little dusty from lack of use. TK is biting on hisbottom lip in that nervous way of his, and when he looks at Carlos, gone is thecocky guy from a few minutes ago, and in his place is the not so confident boythat lies beneath his usual bravado. It’s the TK that always sparks Carlos’more protective instincts. He walks up slowly to him, stepping in between hisparted knees.

With TK sitting, it puts them at a height difference that leavesTK looking up at him. Carlos brings his hands up to cradle TK’s face, tiltingit up even further, making sure TK is looking straight into his eyes.

“Are you sure you want this?” he can’t help but ask. The last thinghe wants is to lose his friend for a momentary case of hormones.

“Do you want this?” TK asks back; instead of answering, itcomes out more teasing, but Carlos can still see the hint of nerves.

“I have always wanted you,” Carlos confesses, finally letting itout. His heart beats hard against his chest as he gives life to his secret, butthe way TK’s eyes widen makes it worth it. “Every second of every day, I wantto be with you. I want to kiss you, hold you, have sex with you.”

“Carlos,” TK lets out breathlessly, his hands coming up to gripCarlos’ arms.

“But I want more than that too,” he continues, now that it’s outhe can’t hold back. “I have feelings for you. I’m in love with you, TK.”

TK tightens his hold on him, pulling him closer. “You never saidanything.”

“I was afraid to lose you,” Carlos whispers, now feeling unsure. “Irather have your friendship than not have you at all.”

TK closes his eyes, smiling as he shakes his head. “Idiot.”

“Hey,” Carlos starts to grin, moving forward when TK bringshis hands to the back of his neck and pulls him closer. Letting go of TK’s face,he places his hands on his waist, pressing his forehead against TK’s as the boylets out a soft laugh, and Carlos feels the same kind of giddy joy.

“I’ve had feelings for you since I met you,” TK says quietly, hisbreath touching Carlos’ face. He aches to close the distance between theirlips. “Back when I was so pissed that my dad dragged us here from New York, andI hated everything about Austin. You were the only thing I liked about it, andthen as we became friends, you became the person that made it feel like home.”

“Can I kiss you?” Carlos pleads, not being able to take it asecond longer, not when the boy he loves is telling him he feels the same way.

Carlos feels TK’s smile against his mouth instead of seeing it; hesighs into the kiss three years in the making. He pulls TK by the waist andgroans into the kiss when TK answers by wrapping his legs around Carlos’ waist,bringing their bodies flush against the other, and Carlos can feel how much TKwants him, his own body reacting to it the same way.

“Ty,” Carlos gasps out before TK slips his tongue inside his mouth.He moans helplessly not just at the taste of TK’s mouth, but also at the feelof that smooth silver stud pressing against his tongue as TK takes his time, makingsure he pulls Carlos apart with each flick of his skilled tongue.

“Carlos,” TK whispers back when he pulls away to take abreath. Carlos can’t stop touching or kissing him, and he trails a path withhis mouth from TK’s lips down his jaw, to his neck, kissing and sucking on anystrip of skin he can, instantly addicted to the taste of TK Strand.

“I knew it would be like this between us,” TK moans, his headthrown back as Carlos sucks at the pulse point under his jaw. His hand’s gripat his shirt and Carlos pulls back long enough to pull it over his head.

TK looks at him, his usually bright green eyes darkening as hetakes in Carlos’ bare chest, the piercing on his tongue peeking out as he curlshis tongue and makes an appreciative sound. “Fuck, baby, you’re a workof art.”

Carlos feels himself go hot at the compliment, and the heated wayTK looks at him, he feels it from the top of his head and down his chest.

TK makes another noise, smiling up at him wickedly as he sees hisskin turn pink. “Oh, that’s pretty,” he says softly, his hand reaching out totouch Carlos, his thumb rubbing gently over one of Carlos’ nipples. He shiversat the touch, not being able to stop the whine that escapes his lips. TK’s eyesflicker back up to his, and his smile softens. He uses his legs, still aroundCarlos’ waist to pull him back in.

Hands cup his face, and Carlos closes his eyes as TK brushes hislips across his. “We’re going to be amazing, aren’t we?” he asks against hismouth, and Carlos nods, swallowing hard as he pictures what being with TK isgoing to be like.

Yes, they’re going to be incredible, starting right now.

Carlos goes to kiss him again, more than ready to get theincredible parts started when someone clears their throat behind them, causinghim to freeze.

TK looks over his shoulder at their unexpected guest before helooks back at Carlos; his eyes are wide, but there is a twinkle of amusement inthem when he mouths ‘oops’ at him, like the little shit he is.

“Hi, Mrs. Powell,” he says brightly. Carlos closes his eyes withdread, something tells him after today he isn’t going to be the librarian’sfavorite anymore. “Carlos was helping me find a book.”

Carlos looks at TK incredulously, finding a bright smile on hislips as he looks back at him with zero shame, and shakes his head, but in theend, he can’t feel anything but happiness. This is the crazy boy he chose tolove.

֎֍֍

“I hear congratulations are in order,” Iris calls out as she walksup to them on the quad. Carlos looks up from where he’s been spending timekissing TK’s neck.

“Hey,” TK greets her back as he presses himself to his side, flashingCarlos a bright smile when he throws an arm over his shoulder and pulls himcloser. “Thanks, I honestly can’t believe we’re finally together and that ittook me sticking a metal rod through my tongue to get this going.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” Carlos protests as TK rolls his eyes.

“Don’t even try to deny it,” TK points at him. “I have beenthrowing hints forever and nothing. It took me getting a piercing, and honestly,me being tired of waiting for this to happen.”

“I didn’t know you were throwing hints!”

TK rolls his eyes again before leaning in to kiss him on the cheek.“I know,” he says gently. “It’s a good thing you’re pretty because you’re clueless.”

Carlos goes to protest again, but TK stops him by giving himanother kiss, this time on the lips. Carlos sighs into it, ready to get lost init when Iris clears her throat loudly.

“Yeah, still here,” she says sarcastically, giving him an eye rollof her own. “I knew you’d be annoyingly cute once you finally got your shittogether.”

Carlos blushes at the comment, while TK laughs delightfully.

Iris smirks back at them. “By the way, that’s not what I wascongratulating you two on.”

“Oh?” TK raises an eyebrow at her, and Carlos feels dread again asher smirk seems to grow.

She pulls a flyer out of her bag, passing it over to them, andCarlos feels his face turn bright red as he takes in both his and TK’s faces onthe sheet of paper, with the words ‘banned from the library until further notice’under their faces.

“Apparently even though she hates everyone, it takes a lot to getMrs. Powell to ban someone; you two are now legends,” Iris tells them with agrin, wagging her eyebrows at him.

“Oh my god,” Carlos groans, dropping his head into his hands. Heturns his head to the side when he hears a snicker and finds TK smiling wildly.

“You find this funny, Tyler?” he questions dryly, and though TKmakes his usual face at his name, it doesn’t diminish the smile on his face, orthe affection shining in his eyes.

“Hilarious,” TK grins.

Carlos shakes his head, unable to stop his own smile. “Why do I likeyou?”

“Love,” TK corrects, biting down on his own smile. “Yousaid you love me, you can’t take it back now.”

Carlos smiles gently at him, bringing his hand back up to cup hischeek. “I’m never going to take it back.”

TK starts leaning in to kiss him, when Iris groans, forcing themto stop.

“Once again,” she shakes her head at them. “I’m still here.”

Carlos flashes her an apologetic look, knowing it doesn’t come offas sincere when he can’t stop smiling; he’s just so happy.

“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes as she stands back up. “I’mleaving to let you two be gooey and in love, try not to get banned from all ofcampus for indecent exposure.”

They watch her leave before TK draws his attention by tugging onhis hand.

“She’s got a point you know,” TK starts, giving him a dirty smirk.“If I don’t get you alone soon, I’m going to jump you right here.”

Carlos smiles back, his stomach clenching with anticipation. “Luckyfor us, I have an apartment, and I live alone.”

TK curls his tongue, and that little silver stud meant to driveCarlos crazy peeks out. “Then what are we waiting for?”

#911 lone star #tarlos #tarlos fic #911 lone star fic #tk x carlos #my writing #anon #Anonymous #college au

177 notes · View notes

lilohno · 3 years

Photo

BASIC QUESTIONS

First name? “Lilo.”

Surname? “Pelekai.”

Middle names? “Makamae Kailea.”

Nicknames? “Weirdlo, Freaklo. My dad used to call me Sport.”

Date of birth? “March 11th, 2002.”

Age? “Nineteen.”

PHYSICAL / APPEARANCE

Height? “5′3.”

Weight? “119.”

Build? “Small.”

Hair color? “Black.”

Hair style? “Long.”

Eye color? “Brown.”

Eye shape? “I’ve got big eyes.”

Glasses or contact lenses? “Neither!”

Distinguishing facial features? “My dimples or laugh lines or whatever they are.”

Which facial feature is most prominent? “I don’t think anything stands out that much.”

Which bodily feature is most prominent? “My hair.”

Other distinguishing features? “Hm, nothing.”

Skin? “Tan.”

Hands? “Small.”

Make up? “I don’t wear makeup often. There’s no point. It’s just going to smear when I get in the water, and I’m always in the water.”

Scars? “A small faded line on my right shin, who knows how I got that.”

Birthmarks? “I don’t have any.”

Tattoos? “Nani would kill me. I should do it.”

Physical handicaps? “None.”

Type of clothes? “I like muumuus, shorts, tank tops and grass skirts.”

How do you wear their clothes? “I rock them!”

What are their feet like? “Usually shoeless. I don’t mind flip flops and sandals, but I’d rather be barefoot.”

Race / Ethnicity? “It’s a mixed bag.”

Mannerisms? “Overexaggerating.”

Are you in good health? “Yes.”

Do you have any disabilities? “Nope.”

PERSONALITY

What words or phrases do you overuse? “I don’t think I overuse anything.”

Do you have a catchphrase? “No, but I should. That’d be cool.”

Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? “Depends on the day.”

Are you introverted or extroverted? “Extra extro.”

Do you ever put on airs? “I am who I am, you get what you get.”

What bad habits do you have? “Letting my emotions control me.”

What makes you laugh out loud? “Stanley, he’s the funniest guy I know.”

How do you display affection? “I’m a gift giver, a hand holder and a hugger. I’ll also take a lot of pictures of you. A lot.”

Mental handicaps? “Sometimes I feel like I’m emotionally immature.”

How do you want to be seen by others? “Cool! I want people to think I’m cool.”

How do you see themselves? “Different. There’s not a lot of people like me.”

How are you seen by others? “Weird.”

Strongest character trait? “I would say my resilience.”

Weakest character trait? “Refusing to ask people for help.”

How competitive are you? “Why, what are we playing? You’re going down, buddy!”

Do you make snap judgements or take time to consider? “I consider… whether or not the snap judgement I just made was good or not.”

How do you react to praise? “I get all smiley.”

How do you react to criticism? “I’m okay with criticism if it’s actually criticism, if it’s someone being bossy or mean, I’m gonna get mouthy.”

What is your greatest fear? “Car accidents.”

What are your biggest secrets? “You’ll find out over my dead body!”

What is your philosophy of life? “Where there is love there is life. That’s by Gandhi.”

When was the last time you cried? “On the plane ride here.”

What haunts you? “The time I told my mom she was the worst mom ever. I didn’t mean it. I hope she didn’t remember that.”

What are your political views? “People should be able to love who they love, race and sex shouldn’t change a thing, and if it’s your body, it’s your choice.”

What will you stand up for? “Everything I believe in.”

Who do you quote? “My mama and my daddy.”

Are you indoorsy or outdoorsy? “Outdoors! I wish I could just hang a hammock up and sleep on the beach every night.”

What is your sinful little habit? “Sneaking pictures of strangers.”

What sense do you most rely on? “My sight.”

How do you treat people better than you? “I try to learn from them.”

How do you treat people worse than you? “They’re only worse than me because they’re a bunch of stinky bullies… and I still treat them better than they treat me.”

What quality do you most value in a friend? “Uniqueness and goodness!”

What do you consider an overrated virtue? “Tolerance. I shouldn’t have to tolerate someone else being annoying if I don’t feel like it.”

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? “I wouldn’t change anything about myself. I like myself.”

What is your obsession? “Elvis freaking Presley.”

What are your pet peeves? “Being told what to do.”

What are your idiosyncrasies? “Before we moved I had to feed Pudge the fish every day. I hope someone is still feeding him. I hope he didn’t get mad at me.”

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Is your family big or small? Who does it consist of? “It’s small. Right now there’s only me and Nani, but my mom and dad still count too. And Stanley, Stanley is my chosen family.”

What is your perception of family? “Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.”

Do you have siblings? Older or younger? “Yeah, I’m the youngest.”

Describe your best friend. “He’s accepting, he’s funny, he likes me for who I am, he’s willing to learn and grow, and he’s loyal.”

Ideal best friend? “Stanley Jookiba.”

Describe your other friends. “I don’t have any other friends.”

Describe your acquaintances. “I don’t have any of those either.”

Do you have any pets? “I wish.”

Who are your natural allies? “Just Stanley.”

Who are your surprising allies? “Is Stanley surprising? If so, him. If not, no one.”

PAST AND FUTURE

What were you like as a baby? As a child? “I was happy. I was loud and headstrong and I stuck out like a sore thumb when I tried to bond with other kids. I haven’t changed all that much.”

Did you grow up rich or poor? “We did okay until it was just me and Nani.”

Did you grow up nurtured or neglected? “Nurtured. There was so much love.”

What is the most offensive thing you ever said? “Anything I said when I was mad at my parents. I didn’t mean it. I wish I could take it back.”

What is your greatest achievement? “My wall of Polaroids. They’re beautiful.”

What was your first kiss like? “This kid at school said I was too chicken to kiss a boy, so I kissed him. He didn’t like it much.”

What is the worst thing you did to someone you loved? “I’ve caused a lot of trouble for Nani. I don’t think she even cares.”

What are your ambitions? “To stop ocean pollution once and for all.”

What advice would you give your younger self? “Hug your parents every chance you get, and keep being you.”

What smells remind you of your childhood? “Sand.”

What was your childhood ambition? “To be the best hula dancer, just like my mom.”

What is your best childhood memory? “All the times we sat outside laughing at the silly constellations m mom would make up.”

What is your worst childhood memory? “The night my parents never came back home.”

Did you have an imaginary childhood friend? “I had a few.”

When was the last time you were crushed with disappointment? “When Nani told me we had to move.”

What past act are you most ashamed of? “One time I got into a fight and bit the girl. I got in trouble. I don’t know if I’m ashamed though, she deserved it.”

What past act are you most proud of? “The hula dancing competitions I won.”

Has anyone ever saved your life? “In a way, I feel like Stanley did.”

Strongest childhood memory? “Surfing with my dad. I’d sit on the board with him when I was too young to even walk, and he’d paddle us out to the middle of the ocean. I always thought it was so cool.”

LOVE

Do you believe in love at first sight? “Maybe.”

Are you in a relationship? “Ew, no.”

How do you behave in a relationship? “I’ve never been in one.”

When did you last have sex? “No, no, no!”

What sort of sex do you have? “And I’ll say again, ew.”

Have you ever been in love? “Only with Elvis.”

Have you ever had your heart broken? “I had to go to gravestones to tell my parents I graduated high school. Yes, my heart has been broken.”

CONFLICT

How do you respond to a threat? “Swingin’.”

Are you most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? “My fists.”

What is your kryptonite? “Shaved ice.”

If you could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? “The last picture I have of my parents.”

How do you perceive strangers? “Interesting. Very interesting.”

What do you love to hate? “My big sister. I love her, but she’s annoying.”

What are your phobias? “I… I don’t like cars or storms very much.”

What is your choice of weapon? “My fists of fury!”

What living person do you most despise? “Freakin’ Mertle Edmonds.”

Have you ever been bullied or teased? “That’s all the kids back home did.”

Where do you go when you’re angry? “The beach. The ocean drowns out all of my feelings. Or I go into my bedroom and scream into a pillow.”

Who are your enemies and why? “If I had an archenemies it would be Mertle. She brought it on herself.”

WORK, EDUCATION AND HOBBIES

What is your current job? “I don’t have one, but I really need to get one. It’s getting harder and harder to afford film.”

What do you think about their current job? “Well, if you’re talking about school, it’s okay, but I’d rather be in Hawaii.”

What are some of your past jobs? “I get it! I’m a freeloader, okay? Don’t rub it in!”

What are your hobbies? “Surfing, swimming, photography, crafts, hula dancing… I may or may not dabble in a little black magic.”

Educational background? “I’m in my first year of college.”

Intelligence level? “I’m a smart kid, don’t doubt me.”

Do you have any specialist training? “No. I’m not in the CIA.”

Do you have a natural talent for something? “Surfing!”

Do you play a sport? Are you any good? “Does surfing count as a sport?”

What is their socioeconomic status? “I’m probably on the bottom.”

FAVORITES

What is your favorite animal? “Fish! I also like dogs! But fish!”

Which animal do you dislike the most? “Humans.”

What place would you most like to visit? “I’m not interested in being anywhere but home. That’s where I’d go.”

What is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? “The ocean.”

What is your favorite song? “Blue Hawaii, but it’s a close tie between anything Elvis.”

Music, art, reading preferred? “Music.”

What is your favorite color? “Um… blue. Maybe.”

What is your password? “K1ngElv1sTh3K1ng.”

Favorite food: “Kalua pork.”

What is your favorite work of art? “Reflection Of You by Walfrido.”

Who is your favorite artist? “Elvis!”

What is their favorite day of the week? “Saturday.”

POSSESSIONS

What is in their fridge? “Pineapple slices. Nothing else. Well, whatever Nani has in there. I haven’t been grocery shopping yet.”

What is on your bedside table? “My lamp, a couple of seashells and one of my dad’s old books.”

What is in your car? “I don’t drive.”

What is in your bin? “A ripped up drawing I messed up on last night.”

What is in your purse or wallet? “I keep our last family picture in there or under my pillow. I have my student ID a few emergency bucks too.”

What is in your pockets? “Probably sand, some old candy and ants.”

What is their most treasured possession? “The only picture I have with my parents.”

SPIRITUALITY

Who or what is your guardian angel? “I know it’s my mom.”

Do you believe in the afterlife? “Yes.”

What are your religious views? “I just know there has to be something else.”

What do you think heaven is? “The place my parents are waiting for me.”

What do you think hell is? “Scary…”

Are you superstitious? “Very.”

What would you like to be reincarnated as? “Ooh, I wanna be a fish! Or a whale! Or maybe a dolphin!”

How would you like to die? “I don’t want to think about that. Please don’t make me think about that.”

What is your spirit animal? “The humuhumunukunukuapua’a.”

What is your zodiac sign? “Pisces.”

VALUES

What do you think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? “Belittling someone for who they are, making them feel like they have to change.”

What is your view of ‘freedom’? “Being able to swim whenever you want.”

When did you last lie? “I told Nani that it was okay we had to leave. It’s not okay.”

What’s your view of lying? “It’s not a good thing to do.”

When did you last make a promise? “A few months ago.”

Did you keep or break your last promise? “I keep my promises. All of them.”

DAILY LIFE

What are your eating habits? “I eat a lot of fruit. I love fruit.”

Do you have any allergies? “I wish I was allergic to broccoli.”

Describe your home. “Home was Kaua’i, the bedroom I grew up in, my parents’ house. What we have here isn’t a home, it’s just a house.”

Are you minimalist or a clutter hoarder? “I’m a hoarder.”

What do you do first thing on a weekday morning? “Hit snooze.”

What do you do on a Sunday afternoon? “Take a walk on the beach.”

What do you do on a Friday night? “Stay up too late watching alien documentaries and YouTube conspiracy theories. Don’t tell Nani.”

What is your soft drink of choice? “Fanta.”

What is your alcoholic drink of choice? “I cannot legally answer this question.”

MISCELLANEOUS

What or who would you dress up as for Halloween? “I’ve been all sorts of things! I’ve been a vampire, I’ve been Elvis more than once, a witch, a princess… I think I want to be a mermaid this year.”

Are you comfortable with technology? “I’m uncomfortable with how easy it is for people to hide behind a screen and be mean to each other.”

If you could save one person, who would it be? “Stanley.”

If you could call one person for help, who would it be? “Nani, if I had to.”

What is your greatest extravagance? “Camera film. That’s where all my money goes.”

What is your greatest regret? “Taking my parents for granted.”

What is your perception of redemption? “Saying sorry and meaning it. That’s all it really takes to be redeemed, isn’t it?”

What would you do if you won the lottery? “Buy my house back.”

What is your favorite fairytale? “The Ugly Duckling.”

What fairytale do you hate? “The Princess and The Pea. Who can feel a pea under that many mattresses? You can’t! Being a princess doesn’t give you some sort of other wordly status! It’s frustrating!”

Do you believe in happy endings? “I don’t know anymore.”

What is your idea of perfect happiness? “Kaua’i is happiness.”

What would you ask a fortune teller? “I’d ask them if my parents are watching over me, and if they’re proud.”

If you could travel through time, where would you go? “I’d go back to the night my mom and dad died, and I wouldn’t let them leave the house. I’d make sure they stayed safe at home with me.”

What sport do you excel at? “Dodgeball. I like chucking the balls at people’s heads.”

What sport do you suck at? “Football, it’s too confusing.”

If you could have a superpower, what would you choose? “The ability to breathe underwater!”

#wow i love her #walttasks #tasks.

2 notes · View notes

booksalwaysandforever · 4 years

Text

Holding on to the Memories

So, this is my first time writing, so forgive me if it’s terrible. I have been in the twilight mood lately, so this is my twilight fanfic. Also, I am always open to story requests, suggestions for future chapters, and helpful criticism.

Summary: Lauren is the Cullen’s adopted baby sister. Her life has always been a dream. One day, while the everyone is out hunting, life isn’t a dream anymore.

Warnings: Self harm, bullying, very very sad and will make you cry.

Length: pretty long

Chapter 1

“You guys mean to tell me that I get to be home alone all day?!” I squealed excitedly.

“Yes, dear. We all need to hunt, and Renesmee and Jacob are down at the beach with the rest of the pack.” Carlisle said with a small smile on his face, happy that I was so excited.

“I didn’t think you’d be so happy to get rid of us, brown bear.” Emmett said as he ruffled my hair slightly. I gave him a small glare as he used my nickname from when I was little.

“I am excited, Emmett. This means that I get to control the TV for once.” Everyone started laughing as Emmett frowned at you.

“I don’t control it that much, do I?”

“Yes, you do.” Everyone said in unison.

“Plus,” I started, “I will be free of having 8 vampires watching my every move, there will be no one digging around in my head,” I scowled at Edward who gave me an apologetic look, “and no one will be able to mess with my emotions,” I finished as I glared at Jasper.

“It’s not our fault we’re vampires and you’re our human sister,” Jasper said.

“I know that, but that still doesn’t mean I like it when you mess with my emotions.” I said as I gave him a small scowl. “Nor do I like it when people dig through my head or know what I’m going to do before I even do it. I can never surprise you guys,” I pouted.

“Hey, we act surprised, don’t we?” Edward pointed out.

“It’s not the same!” I complained, earning myself a laugh from everyone. “Okay, you guys should go now. All of your eyes are pitch black. It’s kinda scaring me.”

Everyone laughed again and gave me a hug as they walked out to their cars.

“We’ll be gone until after supper tonight, so you’re on your own for meals.” Esme told me as she gave me one last hug.

“Mom, I know. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. If I need anything, I’ll call Jacob and Renesmee and they’ll come home. And if something really bad happens, I will call you or dad or Emmett or Jasper or Rose or any of you and you’ll all come running. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.”

“Oh honey, I know you’ll be okay. I just want to be sure.” She gave me another hug and kiss.

“Dad, can you come get Mom?” I called. “Unless you come and get her, I don’t think she’s going to leave.”

“Darling, Lauren will be okay. She’s 15 almost 16, she’ll be alright staying home for one day.” Carlisle said, suddenly appearing at my side.

“Thanks. I know the drill, call Jacob and Renesmee first and then you guys. Now go! Bella and Jasper look like they’re going to snap soon.” I said as I tried to push them to the door.

“Alright, bye sweetheart. We’ll be back before you know it. Just try not to break anything. Don’t do anything Emmett would do.” Carlisle said with a small grin on his face.

“Hey!” Came a shout from outside. I started to giggle because as much as Emmett hated it, Carlisle was right.

“Okay Dad. Bye, love you.” I said as I gave him his last hug. “Bye guys! See you later! Catch a big bear for me, Emmett!”

Everyone shouted out their goodbyes and I love you’s as they drove away. I stood in the doorway for a moment longer and then raced back into the house to enjoy my day alone.

I spent a good portion of the morning wrapping and putting the finishing touches on gifts for my family. It was going to be my 16th birthday in less than a week, but I wanted to give everyone else gifts. I already had everything I could ever want, and all I really wanted for my birthday was to see everyone smile. So I decided to give them all gifts. It also gave me something to work on in my spare time.

I was going to give Alice a snow globe of two sisters ice skating. She and I had started a collection of snow globes together when I was a couple years old. We added to it every time we went on a shopping trip or anytime one of us had a birthday.

Rosalie was going to get a beautiful locket, with an inscription inside that said A sister is worth 1,000 friends. Hopefully she wouldn’t put an embarrassing picture of me in there.

Emmett was going to get the games Cards Against Humanity and What Do You Meme. Little did he know, I was going to kick his butt when I played with him.

For Bella, I got her a new charm for her bracelet. Currently, there are only three charms. Jacob’s wolf, Edward’s diamond heart, and the Cullen crest. I was giving her a small open book, because when I was a kid, she read a lot of books to me and gave me over half of the books in my collection. I owe my love of reading to her.

Edward’s gift was a bit more difficult, but I think he’ll like what I gave him. It was a handmade book of all our favorite songs. My lullaby, both Renesmee and Bella’s lullabies, some of my favorite songs, and a few of his favorite songs. I painted the front cover of the binder with a beautiful collage of music notes and pictures of him and I playing the piano. He didn’t really need the music for all the songs, what with his vampire memory and all, but this way Edward would always have a part of me.

Carlisle had always loved my paintings, so I made him one that he could hang in his office at work. It wasn’t anything too complex, just a rainbow watercolor background and a stethoscope twisted into a heart, but I’m sure he would love it.

For Esme, I made a cookbook filled with my favorite foods that she had made me over the years, and a few new ones for her to try. Like Edward, she didn’t really need the recipes, but she loved having things I made. On the front of the book, I had painted a collage of different foods like a meatball sub, cookies, cupcakes, salad, and lots of other things. Hidden in one of the back pages, were pictures of the entire family throughout the past 16 years. One when I was a baby, one when I was a toddler, when I was six, 10, 14, and a few weeks ago. It was the perfect gift for a mother.

I wasn’t nearly as close to Jacob as I was to everyone else, but I got him a gift too. He was still my big brother. I gave him my best wolf drawing, and a dog tag with a heart cut out of the middle. That heart was attached to a necklace I would keep.

For Renesmee, I made a box filled with her favorite candy, a photo album of us growing up together, and a best friend forever bracelet. To me, Renesmee was more like my best friend. We had sleepovers together all the time, watched movies all night long while stuffing our faces with junk food, and went everywhere together. Since she didn’t sparkle in the sunlight as much as the rest of the family, I could bring her to places like the beach or an amusement park on a sunny day without drawing attention.

The hardest person to find a gift for was Jasper. For as long as I could remember, Jasper had been the person I turned to for everything. When I scraped my knee when I was little, when I needed help in school, when I was bored out of my mind and wanted someone to play a game with me, it was always Jasper I turned to. I gave him a CD, and a stuffed horse. Jasper said he always loved it when I was singing. Whether I was humming to myself or singing my heart out to my favorite song, he said he had always loved it. So, the CD was full of me singing my favorite songs, and songs he used to sing to me when I was little. The stuffed horse held a speaker inside, so that whenever you squeezed it, you would hear me say “I love you”. I bet that if he could cry, he would.

When I was finished with the gifts, I played the piano and my guitar for a while. Edward was finally teaching me how to play my lullaby on the piano, and I was teaching myself all of my favorite songs on the guitar. I got bored pretty quickly, so I turned on the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, one of my favorites, and made myself lunch.

After lunch, I decided to turn on the TV and see if anything good was on. At that moment, an ad for a new movie came on the TV. I didn’t see what the name was, but I really didn’t want to know. Although I had only seen a few seconds, the image of a “vampire” holding a young girl in a headlock was enough for me. I lived in a world full of vampires and I knew the risks, but I always tried to push them out of my head. Plus, I was always with one of my siblings, or my parents, so I never really had to worry. They would protect me, no matter what. However, at the moment, I was all by myself. My family was the largest coven of vampires, aside from the Volturi, and every vampire that came through this was stopped at our house. Most of the time, my siblings were able to hide with me in my room and keep me safe. But they were probably in Colorado or Wyoming, up in the mountains at this point. What would happen if a rogue vampire came through here? What if they lost all control when they smelled me? What if Jacob and Renesmee couldn’t get to me soon enough to save me?

A million what ifs crossed my mind as my anxiety got a hold of me. I had had attacks like this before, but one of my siblings was always there to help me. Jasper could always calm me down, Edward could answer every question that crossed my mind, and everyone else would just hug me and remind me that everything was okay until I had managed to calm myself down. But I was all alone. Nobody was here to keep me from my own mind, to keep me from spiraling into a dark place. My head was spinning, my stomach hurt, and I could hardly breathe. I raced to the bathroom, running into almost every piece of furniture on my way there.

In less than 5 minutes, I had thrown up everything I had eaten that day. Currently, my stomach was heaving as though it wanted to throw up, but there was nothing left in my stomach. I began focusing on my breathing, trying to calm myself down. If I could get my breathing under control, I could work through every question in my head. As soon as I had calmed myself enough to make the room stop spinning, I heard my phone buzz. Hoping it was Alice, checking up on me, I reached up to grab it from the edge of the sink.

Much to my dismay, it wasn’t Alice. It was the complete opposite. Maggie was texting me once again. For years, she had been making fun of me and tried to bully me into doing whatever she wanted me to do. When my family moved here to Forks, when I was in sixth grade, she hated the fact that I was getting most of the attention. She didn’t do much harm for the first year and a half, but she kept looking for things to make me snap. She began breaking into my locker, ripping up my papers and writing insults about the teachers on others. The teachers never believed me, so I was always getting in trouble. After I had successfully gotten suspended at the end of seventh grade, she stopped, for about a year. Then things got worse. Way worse. Every day, I would find an insult about my clothes, body, family, everything. I tried my hardest to ignore it, but I just couldn’t. Now that almost all of my siblings, other than Renesmee who pretended to be only 2 years older than me and would graduate in May, had graduated and weren’t in school with me anymore, Maggie took that to heart. She had sent me a picture and a video of me. I knew I shouldn’t look at it, but Maggie liked to blackmail me and post crap about me online, so I looked, just in case she would try to do something. There was a message with the picture.

Wow, look at this girl in a swimsuit. She looks absolutely terrible. Look at the stretch marks on her stomach, she’s so fat!

That was the reason I never wore a bikini. I didn’t necessarily think I was fat, but I did have some small stretch marks on the bottom of my stomach. I was already self conscious, but this just made things a whole lot worse. I didn’t want to look at the video, but I did.

It was a video of me and my ex boyfriend James. We didn’t date long, but we did for a few months last year. It was a video of us making out in a closet. I remember that, we played seven minutes of heaven at Maggie’s birthday party last year. Why the hell did she video tape it? My phone buzzed with one last text from Maggie.

It almost looks like they’re having sex. Wouldn’t it be a shame if someone posted it on the school Instagram feed for everyone to see?

At that moment, there was a new post to the school Instagram page by Maggie. That bitch! Why the hell would she do that. I chucked my phone across the bathroom as hard as I could, managing to shatter the screen and a tile fell off the wall. Sobs racked my body. I couldn’t breathe. The only way to breathe again was to take my mind off what had happened. But how? That’s when I spotted my razor on the edge of the bathtub.

The only way to get my mind off everything was pain. My phone started buzzing and wouldn’t stop. I knew it was Alice calling me, but I ignored it.My phone was so smashed from being thrown across the room, it probably wouldn’t answer anyways. I looked at myself in the mirror.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered to my shaking reflection. I pressed the razor into my leg and pulled it across my skin. It hurt like hell, but that was a minor detail. I continued to cut until blood started gushing out of my last pass. Shit, I had cut my vein. I didn’t want to die, did I? I loved my family, but....I didn’t want to deal with life anymore. I didn’t want to feel pain anymore, nor did I want Jasper or anyone else to suffer with me. I didn’t want to live anymore. It was too hard. This was easier. I managed to make a few more cuts in my legs before black spots started appearing in my vision. Suddenly, I was too weak to hold the razor anymore. It fell to the floor as I fell back and hit my head on the wall. Just before I blacked out, I heard voices shouting. Someone would be here for me soon.

“I’m so, so sorry” I whispered. Not a second later, my world went black.

#twilight #twilight imagine #jasper whitlock #alice cullen #rosalie cullen #emmett cullen #jacob black #renesmee cullen #esme cullen #carlisle cullen #bella cullen #edward cullen #cullen family

54 notes · View notes

slashingdisneypasta · 4 years

Text

Jason Voorhees x Freddy’sDaughter!Reader || Oneshot

Title: They Cuddles; Him, Her, and her Bottle of Hypnocil.

Notes:

‘-There was something in her, something that was… pure horror. Everything you were supposed to watch out for. Heights, fire, shards of glass, snakes. Everything that his mom tried so hard to keep him safe from.’ - John Ajvide Lindqvist.

Inspired by the above quote.

Quick Background of Reader: You’re Maggies younger (Only a little) half-sister. (You were conceived and born shortly after he killed Loretta and your mother didn’t want you so you were pawned off to him so you were living with him until he was burnt by the Springwood Parents, whereas Maggie was of course taken away) (Pretend it was years between the time he was caught and the time he was killed)

Tried to write in Jasons POV, not sure how good it is, hah.

I miiiiiiight have some ideas for future parts of this, this was adorable and sweet.

Plot:

Just, Jason falling in so love with the enemies daughter who is so like her father - she’s loud, she’s hurt, she makes s t u p i d jokes and then laughs way too hard at them, she’s dangerous, - but who is gentle with him and kind. (She’s basically the type of girl Pam wouldn’t approve of at first but is so honest and kind that Pam cant help but begrudgingly like her eventually XD )

Warnings: Age gap? I mean it’s not a main plot point so you could ignore it but Jason and Freddy are similar in age so you’re young enough to be Jason’s kid too- but you’re in your 30’s-40’s so its okie. Fatherly trauma (Is that the right phrase?? Hah. You know what I mean) / Nightmare on elm Street survivor trauma also. Panic attack I think? Ends in fluff ^^

~~~

When you stayed a night in your van at that old, abandoned camp, you certainly didn’t expect to meet Jason. I mean, you weren’t surprised by his… abnormalities -referring to the fact that he’s dead. Not his deformities, - as much as you were how cute and sweet he was. And how well you two got on, after he tried to kill you.

And you don’t blame him for that! You trespassed; you get it. If you had known he was there and he had taken ownership of the area, then you would have asked before parking there.

When Jason had found a girl hidden away, sleeping in the back of a yellow van, he certainly didn’t expect that she would soon become so important to him. She was just another trespasser acting like a hoodlum -living! In! A! Van?! – in his general vicinity and of course, he didn’t like that.

Boring chase story short; He pushed your van over and there was a chase through the forest (You’ve never run that fast in your life, jesus christ. You can still feel the wind burn on your cheeks, that one rock under your bare feet that cut you and the energy rushing through your body pushing you forward anyway) and you leapt into the lake- waiting until he came in after you. And then when he did, you just screamed random nonsense, splashing around spastically at him until you hit a nerve that sobered him (Something about his mother). This is a technique you developed after you were given up to various foster homes after your father was burnt to death (And then also when he found you again) when stinky foster parents, foster siblings, bullies at school rando’s off the street wanted to put their hands on you, and that you mastered since. It works, evidently, with asexual zombie monsters too.

After that, you went back to your van and rap up your foot, thinking that at least the lake water cleaned up the cut on your foot, and then grumpily set up your bed on your window now since the van (Poor, dear Mandy) is now on its side thanks to the local undead jerk!

You hadn’t slept a wink the rest of that night, not because of the hulking mass of rotten flesh and a hockey mask that you knew was lurking somewhere close by, watching you, but because you weren’t about to waste an extra Hypnocil pill in one night. You just laid there, pillows propping you up and being bored. Staring at the ceiling, smearing various ugly pastel shades onto a page in your sketchbook, listening to the woods and imagining getting rawed by Danny Zuko were highlights. Then, when daylight finally broke out, you were finally, unhappily wondering how you were going to get Mandy back on her wheels, zipping up your jacket and looking at your beautiful pale-yellow Volkswagen.

You thinking what pain this would be to correct… and then having turned on your heel and went on a trek to the closest town to get some kind of breakfast. Procrastinating the inevitable.

When you had returned, a bag of groceries in your arms -drink propped on top of everything else so you could sip through the straw as you walked,- , your van was back on her wheels.

You don’t know what it was about you that made him do that, that made him stop and not kill you, and its likely you’ll never find out since he doesn’t talk, after that you had gone directly to find the - cute, now, -behemoth you knew fixed it for you, to make and give him fairy bread to say thank you and sorry for what happened last night- and honestly you’ve been friendly ever since. More then friendly, after a while, but never less then.

___TIME SKIP: Current time now. Months and months after you met___

~ POV Change~

Oh my god.

The second I see that the familiar bottle, the one from Typo with the Coca Cola logo on it that reminds me absolutely zero percent of my father that I keep Hypnocil pills in is not where I left it, a deep sense of dread and anxiety fills me up to the brim- only proceeding to grow outwards to the air around me as I search in an increasingly more panicked fashion for the thing. Where is it!? Where is it, where is it, where is it. “Where, where, where, where, where, where- “

I fling a pillow out the back of the van and am just bundling up the blankets, not caring what else goes with it to push out as well so I can find that fucking bottle when I notice Jason standing there at the back doors watching me, head tilted. I immediately stop what I’m doing, heart stopping for a second. “Lost something.” Is all I can squeak out.

He leans forward and I watch as I bends down so his head and upper body are in here with me and looks around, then up at me again as if to ask what I’m looking for so he can help me. “I-Its, um… “ My voice trembles. I need to find that bottle- the fact that Jason is being so sweet and offering to help me look just makes me feel even less together. I could cry. “A r-red bottle with umm, curly writing on it?” He probably doesn’t remember what coke is, much less the logo…

He nods, and starts looking around, eyes focused and slow as the graze along everything in the van so studiously that I stay extra still instead of helping- so he doesn’t miss anything with that super-vision he’s acting like he must have. The vans a mess and I’m just kneeling in the corner, against the driver’s seat with the blankets all bundles up in my lap, worrying my bottom lip and waiting for this man to save me. Please, jesus- help me. Save me.

A moment later and I’m about to slowly move from my place and Jason suddenly moves. His heavy arm shoots forward and pulls the bottle, a tubular shock of red, out of a nook between my portable DVD player/screen and some books and I was showing him earlier, offering it to me.

Dropping the blankets and sitting on them instead, feeling the softness on my bare legs and taking the bottle from him before hugging it to my chest and covering my face with my hands, silently.

Oh my god.

~POV Change~

Y/N curls up on herself, hiding her face and the bottle between her legs and her tummy and doesn’t make much noise except a quick, quiet whimper. She’s acting different, in a bad way. Why isn’t she talking to him, Jason wonders? Why isn’t she being loud? Is she okay?

Looking around the van, because he has to go in there and see if she’s okay- get her out of that body-cocoon, Jason crawls into the vehicle that he’s never dared to touch since the first night they met, and it breathes under his weight a little bit. He sits down next to her, crossing his legs and watching her for a while. What… to do… now… hmm…

Finally, he decides putting his hand on her shoulder might work to get her attention at least, and she does relax her shoulders quickly at the contact. Then looks up, face red, at him before wiping her face again and crawling suddenly into his lap. She takes a deep breath, regaining some of her usual colour and composure as Jason just sits solid and c o m p l e t e l y still beneath her, flashing him a quick, toothless smile. “Thank you for finding this Jason, it’s important to me.” She looks at the bottle in her hands, not wanting to put it down and risk losing it again even as she knows its irrational that she would do it twice in a row. “Its… how I keep him away… “

Y/N looks up at Jason, eyebrows risen up her forehead to watch him cautiously, worriedly, looking for signs. Did he understand what you were talking about? And if so, is he okay at the mention of your father?

He’s just completely unmoving still. Y/N blinks at the utter lack of responce. “Jason?”

When she still doesn’t receive a response, she taps his mask gently. “Jaaaason?”

That gets his attention, as he looks down at her face… and nods. A wonky smile that makes his somehow-still-beating heart flutter weirdly appears on her face and she looks outside instead. “So, what did you come to see me for? Ya just missed me? Hah, I missed you too cutie. How about we go for a walk? Its pretty today- ah.” When Jason’s big arms suddenly, slowly take action and wrap heavily around her, she’s pleasantly surprised. Her anxieties and panic from earlier all but slip from their knot in her chest and disappear at the action, and she responds by turning properly to her side in his lap so she can lean into his chest. “Oor we could cuddle. That sounds better anyway!~”

She taps the side of his face affectionately before closing her eyes, and he lets his own half lid themselves at the feeling of her so close to him. She’s so cute and warm. Its weird, but he thinks- if someone were to come right now in this moment, and not be loud and not do anything to Y/N or him… he would probably let them go.

(Well at least until he let her go.)

#Jason Voorhees x Reader Oneshot #Oneshot #Jason Voorhees #Freddy Krueger #Oneshots #Jason Voorhees x Reader

31 notes · View notes

sanctferum · 3 years

Text

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2021: Days 13-19

ah shit, lads, I forgot to do this lololol

April 13th: How much preparation and planning do you need before doing new things, or even for familiar things? Do you need to be totally prepared ahead of time or are you more comfortable with being spontaneous/just going for it? Does it vary for you depending on the thing or the day?

Oh I need to know that shit waaaaay in advance. I need my schedule to be flexible but I also need the schedule itself for stuff like appointments and knowing what to do when (i.e., don't start playing an MMO half an hour before you have to leave for an appointment somewhere, but a game I can pause is fine).

April 14th: What do you like about being autistic?

*slaps top of own head* this baby can fit SOOOO much special interest

April 15th: Do you work? If so, what is that like for you? Are you open about being autistic at work? Alternatively, how open are you about being autistic? Do you tell a lot of people? Or just a select few? How do people normally react when you tell them? If you don’t tell people, then why?

I don't have a job, likely for autism-related reasons. Not that I think people discriminate against me because I am autistic, but a lot of the problems I do have with getting a job have to do with autism, like my inability to exaggerate my qualifications. (The other problems are al capitalism, babey. And confidence, I suppose.)

I'm pretty open about being autistic. I used to not be, but honestly, if you're making a friend and you say you're autistic and they say a slur or make some rude remark, do you really want them to be your friend in any case?

April 16th: What did it feel like when you interacted with other autistic people for the first time? What does the autistic community mean to you? How important is it?

Uhh...I don't know how to answer that first question. My two older sisters are also autistic so there's never been a time where I haven't interacted with other autistic folks.

Eh...I dunno how important the community as a whole is to me. But I know there's specific individuals who are my friends who are autistic, that I can talk to about autism-related issues, and that means the world to me.

April 17th: How do you feel about terms like “special needs”?

Well...it's not inherently a bad term, per say? But my personal experience with it is not pretty. I was in the special needs program at school for first to eighth grade, and again from eleventh to twelfth grade. And in the case of elementary and middle school, that was uh. Heavily leveraged against me by the kids who weren't in the special needs program. A lot of my self-loathing issues specifically relate to me wanting to be "normal". Both in the sense of, they crammed all the special needs kids into only a few classes and as such we learned at the pace of the slowest learner in class and those of us who learned more quickly or more advanced resented not being in classes that were more to our level, and in the sense of, maybe if I wasn't in the special needs program, the other kids wouldn't bully me, might even see me as their peer. (Ha! Looking back, that's pretty wishful thinking.) The R-slur and various lesser slurs related to intelligence, as well as the weaponization of the term "special needs" to mean "stupid" or to mean the R-slur, were very common, too.

April 18th: Talk about identity. Is being autistic an important part of your identity? What does being autistic mean to you? Which do you prefer: identity first or person first language and why?

Being autistic is part and parcel of who I am. So yeah, I'd say it's an important aspect of my identity. By that same token, it doesn't need to mean anything in particular to me, it just is. Like. I'm a cis guy. That's a fact. It means very little to me as an inherent statement, it's just a thing about me that is true. Same deal. Autism colors a lot of my behavior and interests, but the simple fact of "I am autistic" is just that, a simple fact.

Don't remember the difference between identity first and person first off the top of my head, and don't care enough to look it up.

April 19th: Do you enjoy music, or do you find it overstimulating? If you do like music, what kind of music do you prefer?

Yes I enjoy music, but only specific kinds of music. Soundtracks, such as for video games, are something I love. I don't care for most of the songs they play on the radio, though. And everyone but me agrees that my sister's singing voice is beautiful, but I find it very grating, which has caused some tension. It also doesn't help that she tends to sing Jewish songs and prayers, and while I am proudly Jewish, I'm not religious and, perhaps due to my experience with religion, religious songs and hymns seem to be something of a trigger of mine. Is trigger the right word there? I'm not sure. It makes me very uncomfortable and I feel like I have to go somewhere I can't hear it, or ask my sister to not sing (which is kinda rude).

But yeah, soundtracks are my life. I'm the Homestuck Sound Test guy for a reason. And I also have a compilation of unreleased Undertale music called the Your Best Companion Soundtrack that I put together. (I should update that with the exclusive songs for the Nintendo Switch and Xbox One versions, huh.) Soundtrack collection and curation, mostly for video game music but also for other special interests with soundtracks like Homestuck or The Adventure Zone, is a huge special interest of mine. My collection currently has 313 gigabytes of music, which is pretty crazy.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2021

3 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #300

that’s a lot of time wasted, lmao

If you were a witch, which animal would be your familiar? Could I have like, a melanistic barn owl? That'd be dope. They're fuckin gorgeous. If there's a design on your shirt, what is it? Ha, speaking of owls... Would you ever visit a ghost town? MOTHERFUCKER would I. Bringing my camera, too. What would you do if you found out your life was only a simulation controlled by someone else? I have a very much Detroit: Become Human (phenomenal game, btw) outlook on this: I think, therefore I am. It honestly wouldn't affect me terribly. I sure would hate my creator though, jfc, lmao. What's the scariest thing you've accidentally found on the internet? Okay so there is this one video filmed by some guys who had this really strange, sulking guy in black stalking them, and it ends with the suspected murderer slinking over to the guys (who were by this point finding it almost funny, due to how the man was acting) and charging with a knife, I think, once he was very close. I believe the men were never found afterwards. It is SO goddamn unnerving. Is there anything bothering you right now? Not to be a Negative Nancy, but when isn't there lmao. Thinking of every Halloween costume you've had, which one was the most creative? I never had creative ones, really. What's the picture on your calendar for this month? I don't have a relevant calender, just old meerkat ones on a wall in my room. If you were a mythical creature, which would you be? As much as I love dragons, they're targeted too much in fantasy to kill, so let's not, haha. Being a dryad would be cool. Or druid. Either/or. If you were an animal, which would you be? A housecat, ig. Were you ever bullied when you were younger and how did you handle it? I consider myself very lucky to have not been. Have you ever thrown something away and then wanted it back? Okay so it's "deleted" versus "thrown away," technically, but there are two senior prom pictures in specific I desperately want back because fuck my low self-esteem, I look beautiful in them and so damn happy. I even tried Facebook restore programs that supposedly recovered all pictures you ever removed, but I couldn't salvage them. I'm still pissed about it, haha. What's one random city you want to visit? I don't have a specific city, per se. More so just countries in general. If you owned a store, what would you most likely sell? I think owning a pet supply store would be really cool, with some animals that are actually very well-cared for, unlike chain pet stores. I HATE those, vehemently. So unspeakably ignorant and neglectful. If you had a garden, what sort of plants would you grow? I don't want a garden, but hypothetically, I'd love orchids, dahlias, tiger lilies, a weeping willow tree, some strawberries... What's your favorite phase of the moon? Full, of course. What's the song for your life right now? I've felt extremely connected to Seether's "Weak" lately. Do you believe that when you die, you get to see all your loved ones again? I hope so... Who would you be the most excited to see? DO I ACTUALLY NEED TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION?????????? Do you enjoy reading National Geographic magazines? If I'm like, sitting in a waiting room and they're available, I'll go for them. Do you know anyone who's serving in the military right now? Welcome to the South, baby. The boys graduate, they're going straight for the military. I only have one real friend who was one but left tho because he fucking hated it. Does or did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? Not in this house, no. As a small child, did you ever feel as if you were different or weird? Absofuckinglutely. I have A LOT of bad memories of instances where I felt like "the weird kid." Can you say "happy birthday" in another language? Omg... I forgot the German phrase. Wow, I'm rusty. What subjects do you or did you get the worst grades in? Math. Do you have photos to go with all of the contacts in your phone? I don't have pictures that go with any. Who was the last person to comment on one of your photos on Facebook and how did you meet that person? I just checked, and it was my friend Summer. I met her because she was actually first friends with my younger sister in pre-k, but we grew closer than they did in our teen years. What career paths are you considering? I just want to be a photographer. So badly. But I've felt super, super discouraged lately. Do you watch music videos? I pretty much never do, but rather listen through the artists' Topic uploads or lyric videos. I don't generally like official music videos because they tend to have other sounds/parts/breaks/etc. in them that distract from the song. Have you ever clicked on those banner ads that promise a prize for clicking? Probably by accident at some point in time. What kind of computer are you using? Acer Nitro. What kind of computer do you wish you were using? I'm fine with what I have. Have you ever had a weight change so drastic you went to the doctor? .-. How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? Depends on how long I'll be outside, but in most situations, in the 50s. Do you eat things off the floor? Um, ew. Who do people say you look like? My sisters. Do you usually get your homework done on time? When I was in school, I was very serious about having my homework finished by the date it was due. Have you ever framed your old movie ticket stubs? I've kept some, but never framed any. Do you have a digital camera? A Canon, yeah. Have you ever stuck something inappropriate in an electrical outlet? Bitch I ain't tryna get electrocuted. How many days has it been since your last birthday? My b-day is actually coming up soon; the 5th of February. Do you want any more siblings than you have now? Well, considering both my parents (and stepmom) are in their 50s... How easily shocked are you? VERY. I am extremely jumpy and on edge at like all times. You like the color blue, don't you? I mean yeah. Particularly the lighter tints. Who was the last person who asked you something that made you think? My therapist REEEEAAAALLY makes me do this. She's an absolute pro at getting me to dig deep into myself. Ever fired a gun? No, and I don't want to. From 1-10, how would you rate your cooking skills? Is 0 an option? Do you notice the heat or the cold more? HEAT, JESUS FUCK. It can be one or two degrees above what I consider stable and I'll be sweating. I'm hypersensitive to it I know from being in such a consistent temperature in my room like 24/7. Do you believe in miracles? Probably no. What hurts more: scratches or bites? Bites, if you're talking serious ones. Do you prefer rabbits to mice? No, mice (and especially rats) are absolutely amazing, intelligent animals. Bonus points for being mega cute too, though I do find rabbits cuter. Who out of all the people you know reasonably well is the most "dark?" Sara, haha. Favorite chocolate-based candy? Reese's. Do you call anyone babe or baby? My pets sometimes. Name me a food you used to like that you now don't: Peas, olives. Name me a food you now like but never used to: Mashed potatoes, IF prepared very well (by my standards, obviously). Would you rather live in Europe, The US, or Australia? By this point, take me to Europe. If it wouldn't be such a huge life change and leaving so many people, I would 120% move to Canada, but out of these, Europe will do. Would you rather have a big house, a lot of kids, or a high flying job? Give me the high-flying job, 100%. I don't want kids, and I have no need for a large house. Is crime a big problem in your area? Oh yes. What’s your town/city most well-known for? By the locals, being the crime hub, actually, lol. Name 5 objects that you don’t have but would like right now: Hmmm... I want a 40g tank as an upgrade for Venus, a gaming chair for when I turn the extra room into my "office" so I don't destroy my back sitting there, new glasses and a driving permit, and don't forget a gd tattoo needle pounding my skin. :^) If you were given the choice to choose your child’s gender, would you? Yes, I would absolutely want a girl just because IF I wanted kids, I'd want a daughter named Alessandra. Do you get along well with your family doctor/your doctor? Yeah, she's nice. What types of soups do you like? None. If a color could reflect your current mood, which would it be? Grayish blue. The last time you saw fireworks? I really don't know; it's been years, at least. Have you ever gone to a movie premiere? Possibly for Silent Hill: Revelation, but I'm not certain. Who was the last person to make you laugh out loud? My mom, because she made me remember something funny. What was the last commercial you heard selling? *shrug* Do you prefer fairly common names or a bit out of the ordinary ones? Oh, definitely rare and unique ones. Would you rather have a pet cat, dog, horse or tortoise? At this current time, a dog for Mom, which we're actually probably getting. She misses having one super badly. Is your laugh loud, normal or very silent? My laugh is loud and obnoxious as fuck. What are you interested in that most people would be surprised to know? Tarantulas, probably. I love them, even though spiders kinda scare me. Last movie you watched the whole way through? Elf, I think, with Sara's fam. What's your favorite fruit? Strawberries are where it's at. Last time you drank coffee? I've only ever sipped coffee to try to see if I liked it. Never have. I THINK I last took a sip of Sara's when we went on a breakfast date? Has anyone ever called you rich? Calling me rich would be entirely ludicrous. What makes you feel beautiful? Nothing. How many bathrooms are in your house? Two. Last time you were on a plane and where did you go? A couple years ago, coming home from Illinois. Favorite flavor muffin? Uggghhhh chocolate. Do you prefer stripes or polka dots? Polka dots. I tend to find circles visually appealing. Did you take Music when you were in school? I think all the elementary school students did. I was also in band in middle and high school; I played the flute. Why did you last feel like crying? I'm just sick of how my life is going. Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting, or indifferent? I find it either awkward or terrifying, depending on the gender. It's not a willing thing or intended sexism whatsoever, I'm just naturally afraid of men. Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what? No. Does someone’s background affect whether you'll be friends with them or not? Well, it depends on what they've done. How about their religious background? No. If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? Nope, bye. Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? No. How about a fashion designer? No. Do you prefer fire or ice? Fire aesthetically, but ice is certainly less intimidating. When happy, do you become more talkative? OH yes. Are you offended easily by non-politically correct language? No, really. I wouldn't say derogatory terms, but I really don't understand why most people put so much weight into a single made-up word. But again, you won't hear that language coming out of my mouth because I understand that it just does hurt some people, and I respect that. Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? It's gone overboard, imo. What's your I.Q? I don't want to know, haha. Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? No. Do you know anyone who is scared of you? Um, no. What person who has died would you bring back and why? Probably Steve Irwin. His children have done FUCKING FANTASTIC at carrying on his legacy and purpose, but I feel he could've taught the world so much more than he had time to... Do you like watermelon? No. Too watery. Can you remember the month of your first kiss? Yes, actually. March. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? I'm unsure, really. Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? Both. What artist's paintings do you find the most beautiful? This is an impossible question. What about the most disturbing? Oh man, I watch this one person on deviantART that makes especially creepy artwork. I follow a loooot of dark artists, though, so it's difficult to pick. Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? A church-related summer thing, yes, as a kid. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Pokemon was/is where it's at. What was your biggest fear as a child? Thunderstorms, holy shit. Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? Be able to breathe underwater. What about invisibility or mindreading? Definitely invisibility. Mindreading would just... suck. Hurt. Especially if you couldn't control it. Which stereotype do you dislike the most? Good question, considering I hate a shit ton. Can you remember all your past teachers names? No, not all of them. Do you like talent shows? Which ones? I don't mind watching 'em. I particularly used to love America's Got Talent. Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? Yes; I failed horribly at my final math exam the last time I was in school. Are you on any meds? Too many. Just way too many for someone my age. I'm really starting to think I'm over-medicated to where it's dulling my senses, feelings, and also destroying my memory. But I kinda need like... all of them. I'm talking to my psychiatrist in just a couple days though, actually, and I'm going to talk to him about maybe trying to wean me off my OCD med, since I haven't had big symptoms in a long time. I wanna see how I deal without it. What color is your razor? Black and orange. What is your fave frozen treat? Just the classic ice cream. Which supermarket do you like to shop at? We tend to get our groceries from Wal-Mart. Do you struggle to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do? YESSIREE. Are you friends with someone a lot of people dislike? I don't think there's anyone that is widely disliked, no. Have you ever had to deal with someone close to you going off to war? No, thankfully. Other than yourself, who did you last buy something for? Mom. What's something you complain about frequently? My legs hurting. It's hard to ignore when taking one step is painful. Have you ever talked about your period with a guy? Were they okay with it, or grossed out? I certainly haven't talked about it in-depth, but it's been mentioned in some way when I was with Jason. I mean we were together for three and a half years, sexually active (and I ain't doing jackshit if it's that time of the month), and I spent as much time with him as possible, so... it woulda came up. I'm sure he was indifferent about it, he was a mature guy. Have you ever been to an Asian (any type) market? If so, what is the closest one to you? No. I've never even heard of one around here. Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? Back up two questions, haha. That was normal. How would you feel if your significant other had tattoos? Shit man, I love tattoos. I'd obviously not care. How have you been feeling today? Depressed. Where’s your phone right now? On my chest. I'm lying down. Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe? ugh When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? I never have. What are the best kind of Girl Scout cookies? I don't remember their names, honestly... but the chocolate and peanut butter ones come to mind.

#survey #surveys #questions

4 notes · View notes

jordswriteswords · 4 years

Text

I Don't Believe In Magic

A continuation of my Clextober universe. I Don't Believe in Magic is set in the College time of Clexa. I'm always accepting more prompts!

---

Lexa drew circles in her notebook with her right hand while her left supported her lazy head. She sighed and flipped the page as the lecturer continued to drone on about mythology. She didn't even know why she took this class. It was a joke in one aspect - listening to humans blather on about mythical beings and how eerie and strange they appeared in comparison to their human counterparts - but another part of her longed to find some similarities between herself and the humans.

She easily found one - they were terrified of one another.

Lexa just didn't understand why.

Her father had scolded her time and time again for being careless with her magic, giving herself away to humans. "You can only rewind someone's memories so often before you run into trouble, Alexandria."

But, Lexa always had a soft spot for humans - always interested in the way they perceived the world and knew that deep down they were more alike than they knew. So, denounced her family tradition of attending the top wizarding school in the world, and accepted the soccer scholarship offered to her by Arkadia University.

***

Clarke Griffin was on a mission. Her last name carried the power of a world-saving doctor. Unfortunately, it also carried the expectations. But Clarke was always known to defy expectations.

That's why she wanted to go above and beyond her mother's medical degree, and double major in both medicine and art.

It was her greatest ambition.

It was also her stupidest idea.

Because, at eight in the morning, when Clarke could have been sleeping before her three hour Animal Kingdom lab, she was stuck in this stupid Mythology 101 class, learning about creatures that never existed and paintings that didn't capture anything of substance.

She wondered how high some of these painters were when they painted these things. Because scientifically speaking, there was no way a woman could take an inanimate object, like a broom, and create enough velocity and speed to have it fly.

Clarke was a woman of science. She had seen her father beat death twice, all due to the medical advancements of man. Sure, hundreds of years ago it would have been seen as witchcraft, but she was positive that the only magical beings were the things that weren't researched.

She sighed, rubbed her eyes as the sigh turned into a yawn, and flipped the page of her agenda, scheduling her free time into her already packed schedule.

***

"Excuse me, I understand that as a society, we've always been a bit spooked by the unknown, but it just seems like the entire concept of witches were solely based on repressing women. I mean, Medusa only turned the men that raped her into stone, but she's spoken of like a villain. Women who showed any sort of forward thinking in Salem were hunted down for witchcraft. I think that maybe we should be discussing the mental health of the accusers than the 'magical powers' of the accused."

Lexa's ears perked up at the husky voice in the midst of destroying the lecturers current argument. Not that she knew what it was, zoning out into a state of semi-consciousness as the monotonous voice of the lecturer carried on.

She looked across the room, noting the long blonde hair and dark blue leather jacket sitting in the front row. She felt her heart do a funny thing then - it beat with a staccato rhythm, every pound precise as she gazed at the girl.

The beating of her heart was so loud that the rest of the argument was lost to the sharp beat in her ears.

Before she could snap her fingers to bring herself closer, the lecturer had dismissed the class, and the blonde was the first one out of her seat.

Lexa grumbled, wishing that at this moment she could snap her fingers to catch up to the blonde. Instead, she had to hustle down the stairs from the back of the class, her shoulder bag flopping against her bare leg.

She caught her just as she had stepped out of the building. "Hey!" Lexa said.

The blonde didn't turn around. Lexa ran past her and came to a stop just in front, doubled over and gasping for breath. She held her hand up to the blonde to ask her to wait.

"I really don't have time for this," Clarke sighed.

"I just -," Lexa gasped. "I wanted to - whoo," she panted, "I wanted to tell you that I liked what you said back there."

Clarke quirked a brow.

"About witch hunting."

"Oh," Clarke laughed. She let her eyes trail up and down Lexa's lithe figure, noting the purple soccer shirt she wore and the short soccer shorts that left little to the imagination. "No one really believes in that stuff anyway. Witches? Goblins? It's just stuff parents tell their kids to behave."

"Maybe we could discuss that? Over coffee?" Lexa asked.

Clarke's grip tightened on her bookbag. "Thanks, but I don't believe in magic. It was nice meeting you…" she trailed off, waiting for the brunette to say her name.

"Lexa, and you will."

"Lexa," Clarke repeated. "It was nice meeting you. See you next week." And with that, the blonde was off.

"Is that the face of a girl who has been sorely rejected?" The dark figure asked as it stepped out of the shadows of the building.

"I'd ask you how much you heard, but I know you're a lurker," Lexa replied, not bothering to look over her shoulder and acknowledge her sister.

Anya laughed and slapped her sister on the back. "I'm not a lurker, I just happened to leave class at the same time. She's cute."

"She's human," Lexa said.

"And yet, that's never bothered you."

"Of course not," Lexa said with a cheeky smirk.

***

"Oh my God," Raven gasped.

Clarke looked up from her notes for a second to check that her friend was okay.

"Who is that hottie? How have I never seen her before?"

Clarke glanced over her shoulder, much to Raven's protest. "Don't look! Oh my God, you make it so obvious!"

The only person Clarke saw was the long brown hair of the soccer player in her class - Lexa.

"Lexa?" She asked her best friend. "The brunette?"

"Screw the brunette, I mean the blonde sitting with her!" Raven said. "She's hot."

"They're both hot," Clarke commented offhandedly. "They're probably together."

Almost as if being summoned, Lexa and her companion stood from their table and walked towards Clarke and Raven.

"Be natural, but they're headed this way," Raven said. She adjusted her posture to sit up taller, pushing her chest out.

"Totally natural," Clarke teased. She bowed her head just slightly, pretending to be deep into her work. For some ungodly reason, the idea that Lexa was walking towards her was unsettling.

"Hey Clarke," Lexa said, stopping by the table. She adjusted the strap of her satchel on her shoulder. She held a regal posture, swagger and confidence seeping from her core. "What's up?"

Clarke looked at her, stunned by the intensity of the green eyes - ethereal in their beauty. She hadn't seen a pair of eyes quite that colour - as though it was constantly shifting when she finally found the name to match the shade. They were light at first, but the longer Clarke stared, the darker they appeared.

"Oh, hey, um…" She was so taken aback by the girl's eyes that she fumbled over her name.

"Lexa," Lexa answered for her. The quirk of her lips disappeared at the rejection. Her eyes shifted to a sharp green before they dropped to her shoes. Her cheeks turned red in embarrassment. "I um," she shook her head. "Nevermind."

Anya cleared her throat.

Embarrassed that the girl she hadn't stopped thinking about could barely remember her, Lexa swung her bag wildly to knock the pile of books in front of Raven to the floor and hustled off, her cheeks hot with embarrassment.

"Hey!" Raven yelled after her.

Lexa got all the way to the parking lot before the sound of the raspy voice she was enamored with got her to slow down.

"Hey!" Clarke yelled. "Lexa!"

Lexa stopped walking, pulling in a deep breath into her chest. Lexa Woods was better than some silly embarrassment. She turned, cocky smile on her lips and ready to greet Clarke again, but anything she had been planning disappeared with a sharp pang in her cheek and a hollow thud only she could hear.

She fell back onto her butt, her outstretched arms the only thing stopping her from hitting her head.

"You know, you're such a dick. Bullying someone with a disability isn't going to make me want to be your friend! You may be the school sweetheart because you can kick a ball, but Raven is so much more than you'll ever be."

Lexa gaped at the blonde, confused by her words and impressed by the ache in her jaw.

"Just leave me alone, and don't you ever put your hands on Raven or her things ever again!" She turned and stormed away before Lexa could even get a word in.

***

"You're a genius!" Anya sighed, throwing her bag onto the counter of her shared apartment with Lexa.

"Yay," Lexa said sarcastically.

Anya pouted down at her sister and flopped down onto the couch beside her. She flicked her wrist and an ice bag hit Lexa in the face.

"Ouch," Lexa whined. She adjusted it to press against the blossoming bruise she had received from Clarke.

"Raven's human, but the science she used to fuse her spine and create that brace to allow her to walk is practically magic. She's so open minded. Not to mention, beautiful. She and I are going out tomorrow."

Lexa sighed and smiled at her sister. "I'm happy for you."

"I'm sorry Blondie KO'd you. I cleared it all up and told her that you were just incredibly clumsy."

Lexa shrugged.

***

"Hey," Lexa said to the blonde as she entered her Mythology class. She wanted to clear the air and apologize to Raven. "Listen, about yesterday - I didn't -"

"I know," Clarke sighed. "Raven already yelled at me. I'm a little overprotective. Sorry about the left hook."

Lexa smiled down at the girl, and shifted her satchel. "I think it's hot," she said. Her eyes widened, and she looked away, her cheeks dusting pink at her slip.

"Well " Clarke said, pulling at the edge of her textbook, "I'm really sorry. I thought you did it on purpose."

"I did," Lexa answered, nodding at the blonde, "but not for the reasons you think."

Clarke quirked a brow.

"My sister wanted to meet Raven. I had promised to introduce her, but you couldn't remember my name and I was embarrassed. But, I never break a promise, so," Lexa shrugged one shoulder.

Clarke looked down at her text. "Yeah," she breathed.

The lecturer walked in at that moment, and Lexa sent one last look at the girl before heading up the auditorium steps to her seat.

She spent the entire class picturing blonde hair and blue eyes.

***

"Hey, Lexa?" Clarke called out to her as they exited the building. It was pouring rain, most students huddling under the awning as they prepared to race to their next class.

Lexa turned and smiled at the blonde. Clarke was struck again by her beauty. "What a miserable day," she said. "It'd be a good day for a warm drink."

Lexa might have had a witty response if she weren't so preoccupied of the way the little clouds of condensation curled out of Clarke's lips when she spoke.

Clarke chuckled. "About that coffee," she said, hands tightening on her textbooks. " I have eighteen minutes until I have to get to my next class. Would you like to join me?"

Lexa smiled and Clarke blinked rapidly, swearing she saw the green of her eyes shift to a lighter shade.

"Do you feel that?" She asked Clarke.

"Feel what?" Clarke asked, unable to pull her gaze from the brunette even as the girl stepped out into the rain. She was thoroughly soaked when she turned back to Clarke.

Her smile was blinding in it's intensity. "The magic in the air."

"I don't believe in magic," Clarke called, cheeky smile on her lips.

Lexa ran back up the steps next to her and produced an umbrella seemingly out of nowhere with her clothes remarkably dry.

"You will."

99 notes · View notes

thisartofeveryday · 4 years

Text

For those of you who thought I should make my life story into a book…here is the outline. For the sake of clarity as you are reading, let me explain who the characters are. The kids from my Dads first marriage: Jim1, Patty, Seana. The kids from my Mom’s (Mary Ellen) first marriage: Mary Jane and Jim2. My brother that I am a full sibling to is Charles (chuck).

I think you might know that 95% of our lives are lived from the unconscious mind. From birth to age 7 a childs mind is in Theta wave (hypnosis) and everything that they learn in those years (mainly through observation and repetition) is the program that their minds run for their entire lives. Knowing this – I look back on the first 7 years of my life.

I think we moved 7 times in those 7 years. I am certain it was because of Dads extreme anger management problems and the fact that he is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. Zero stability or chance to make lasting friendships. My dad was sexually abusing me and unpredictably violent. I was terrified of him. I was being terrorized/bullied by my brother, Chuck, who was every bit the sociopath that my dad is. My mom was overwhelmed by the number of children she was responsible for - none of which she actually wanted- and add to that, her husband was sexualizing all of the kids, so really being the last of her kids I was the last of her problems. Being the youngest (and as traumatized as I was), I was quiet and easy to forget about or push to the side. The older kids were the ones in the spotlight and where all the attention went. They were enrolled in activities and they were more the same age, so they were a unit. I was just an observer of them. I felt so left out and forgotten. Always.

I was a mistake and a burden (dads exact words to me on my 11th birthday). Mom made sure I knew that she thought I was mentally retarded- she would joke about it all the time. (I guess she never made peace with her sister being autistic) She also loved humiliating me even when I made it clear she was hurting me. Remember her sausage fingers joke or how many years I got called Boomer? I absolutely hated both of those things, made it clear, and yet she refused to give up the name calling and humiliation. There was very little respect for my personal boundaries. Dad would assault me in the middle of the night and I would wet the bed out of fear- then he would make me sleep in it to teach me a lesson. Mom would do nothing to help me, though she was awake in the middle of the night when I would work up the courage to go into their room to ask for help. She let him treat me like that. Goddamn…I remember the night terrors and being scared to be in my room at night because the scary man was sitting in the rocking chair, in the dark, next to my bed.

I have a memory of being in the garage in our house in South Windsor. I was playing with our basset hound, General…I was crawling around on the floor and the dog mounted me and was dry humping me. Dad got this sick laugh and let it happen. Mom walked in and got mad at him, but did nothing to help me. My personal boundaries were nonexistent. Nobody was protecting me from him. I remember him eating the food off my plate at dinner…or kissing me on the ear or touching me when I would tell him I hated it and to stop. I remember the baths dad would have me take with him and how he taught me to touch and work his dick. I remember the photos he would take of me after the bath. I remember being 7 years old and trying to lay on his bed and be sexy enough for him. I remember kissing mom passionately the way that dad taught me to and mom getting upset and asking me where I learned that. I remember having a baby doll that I drew all over, angrily, with lipstick. I remember being scared because my ass was bleeding and I told mom while her brother and sisters were visiting and she shushed me and scurried me away. I remember him also beating the shit out of me…sometimes for no reason. I remember being deeply attracted to and absolutely terrified of him. I was 7. These are the only memories I have of my dad. I don’t remember him being there for me, or interested in me as a person, or engaged in anyway. I just remember him being what I now know is a predator.

7 to 13: I remember some stability in Connecticut because we stayed there for three years… but I also remember having moments of being deeply depressed and hiding in the basement of the house writing notes that I hoped someone would find, asking for help to get me out of there. When I look back, those were my first experiences with disassociation from stress and waves of major depression. While I was being assaulted during those years, those years were all about Mary Jane, Seana, and Jim2. These three had each other. These three were a team. I was just an observer to your lives. I had no voice, no opinion, no importance, never truly included and absolutely my feelings went unheard and did not matter. We can say it was the age difference, sure, that’s part of it…but that’s also just an excuse. Things could have been done to validate my importance too. I had Charles bullying me….I had my Dad assaulting me. I was so alone.

My internal voice wants to shout: Why did nobody see this? Why did nobody help me? Where were my siblings? I guess everyone was doing the best they could…

Literally anyone looking in knowing the truth could have easily assessed that this was a horribly destructive environment for any child to grow up in. I know dad was doing this to all the kids. I wasn’t the only one. It is absolutely stunning to me that through the years of my life I have consistently been blamed by my Mary Ellen (narcissist/borderline personality disorder) and the people who chose to listen to her twisted opinions that there was something wrong WITH ME. I mean, logically the mental health issues I have faced my entire life are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to a situation that was deeply flawed. But somehow the blame has always fallen on me.

The very first thing I think when I think of my mom is her asking me “Whats wrong with you Melissa”. Ive lost count of how many times she has asked me that very question.

I now know that its just deflection. Queen Narcissist cant take responsibility for her actions so she puts it on the person who she always denied a voice. That’s nice. Very loving and motherly. Doesn’t fix the 40 some odd years of my life that I believed her and wanted to die.

Right around age 9 or 10, we move again. I remember it being a big scandal – I think the truth came about that my dad is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. (By the way, that’s in my DNA. I get to live my life connected to that. I look just like my dad. I think like a Painter. It’s fucking unsettling.) I remember all the pressure to say nothing about the move and to constantly behave as though we were the perfect family and nothing was wrong. So incredibly demented.

I remember a HUGE fight about Seana and Jim2 staying behind in Connecticut. (by the way: I also remember Jim1 leaving for the Marines and wondering where my brother went and why he never talked to me. At one point he came back to visit and gave me a beautiful geisha doll in a glass box that mom destroyed in a fit of anger at me…she intentionally violently knocked it off the top of my dresser in one of her vindictive off the handle rages…Im sure at 8 years old I totally did something to deserve it, right.)

And, of course I remember the night Seana was killed. (why did the man that killed her not serve jail time? Why are bad people never held accountable?) Dad wasn’t there. Again, Dad wasn’t there. As I recall he was having an affair with some woman in Arizona? Mom was already distraught to be back in Michigan. That night, I remember being awake before the call came in…watching the clock radio in my bed… it had a short in the wire that would spark. I was listening to the Beatles: My guitar gently weeps…. To this day, I hate the Beatles.The phone rang. Mom screamed to you “Mary Jane, OMG, Seana is Dead”. I didn’t understand what happened. I just knew we were packing up like we did so many times before to take yet another long drive across country. It felt to me like another move. I didn’t understand death or that my sister was gone forever. I didn’t get it.

(an aside: I struggled in school. When I was in Beginning Algebra One for some reason that class would make me check out and I would always soul travel to the night Seana was killed and it felt like it was happening to me. I took that class 4 times including summer school before I passed.)

(later, when I was maybe 13, my dog got hit by a car in the street and now I knew what death was so I freaked out like Mom did when Seana died and I remember Mom shaming me: You cried more over than damn dog than you did at your sisters funeral. Very nice. Very motherly. Very supportive and kind of her.)

At Seanas funeral, I remember not knowing what was expected of me. I was just so focused on getting it right and who I was supposed to kiss (because that sexualized stuff was already so ingrained).

There were so many goddamn rules for behavior, (rich white republican ex-military country club going family that we were) and I remember getting it wrong and being scowled at all the time. Mom was always angry and stressed out. We had to BE someone and over and over again: “Don’t forget the family name” and how important our clan was (hilarious that she kept the Sterling last name because her current husband is too ethnic and this sounds classier to her than her own actual last name)….

Meanwhile, My developing sense of self was being assaulted and neglected/ignored out of me and I felt wrong all the time for every single action I took.

I think we moved back to North Carolina briefly and then to Florida? Whatever the case….

Then we move again. Again. Again. Now we are in Florida. Im 10. My parents are getting divorced. Mom is deeply goddamn depressed. My family is falling apart. I don’t know where my brothers and sister are. Everything is exploding. Im powerless and hostage to all this. I cannot underline the importance of that sense of being hostage to a situation that I was powerless to escape and having my feelings and my personhood completely ignored and erased. It consumed me. I wanted to die. I am, as always, the least of moms concerns.

In Florida I was so incredibly dissociative. I was experiencing C-PTSD. I remember feeling numb all over. Having no ability to react to this little girl that fell off her bike in front of me….I just stared at her…the adults nearby yelled at me for doing nothing. I went further into my head. I was so checked out. People just thought I was quiet or shy or retarded. I was deeply traumatized and needed help.

I remember Mary Jane and I sitting on the bed watching this music video by The Cars. In the video there is a woman who is laughing and crying. I remember asking MJ what she was doing because I do that too and I think she told me she was having a mental break down.

I remember getting a Walkman and listening to the Police nonstop. That was my only retreat from how much I hurt. WHY DID NOBODY SEE THIS AND HELP ME?

I remember during that time that I was given another baby doll. I remember MJ and mom watching me play with it to see what I would do. I felt scared of them both and the creepy way they were lurking to watch me. I felt ganged up on. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was so alone. I wanted to die.

In Florida, I remember my birthday and dad cocking his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face…he did that sick laugh and told me he wished I was never born and that I was a mistake. (later when I told this to Patty she explained he punched her in the face on her 11th birthday. Im related to all that. That’s in my dna.)

My body was changing. I was getting my period. I felt crazy. I was in that HUGE school in Jacksonville and I had no friends and I was so scared. Everything was terrifying….and Dad was getting more unhinged thus Mom has Jim and Lynn move in to protect her and had you come back… and then I remember walking in to the living room in the middle of a sunny afternoon and mom on the pull out sofa, trying to make dad jealous, was fucking the guy who was there to buy the house that we had just moved in to because we were MOVING AGAIN….

Not to mention, I remember MJ and I quickly taking Dads gun to the beach to bury it so he because he wanted to kill us all.

Im not even 13 yet….. Are you exhausted?

Any one of these things would make a fully functioning stable adult fold like a house of cards. “Whats wrong with you Melissa?”…. It took something like 20 years of therapy but now I have some clues to answer that question. Here are some more clues:

We finally make it to Boone. Mom followed her best friend, Mary Jane. After all that… that incredible pressure cooker of my pre teen childhood we arrive in bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina….and everyone is gone except the sociopath brother. The house is basically empty. Everyone abandoned ship. Where did my brothers and sisters go? I remember coming home after school and there would be nobody home. For my entire life I had come home to my family but now there was no one. I would sit on the couch and watch the clock with growing anxiety and cry until mom came home from work. It was beyond torturous. And then she would be pissed off that I needed her because she just got home from work. At this point Mom is just angry and exhausted all the time. She had to get a job outside the home for the first time in her life which she hated, she was sick of being a mom…she wanted it all to be over so she could have HER life. Charles was getting more and more abusive- physically and mentally and had to be sent away for our protection.

And then she starts dating Don Bailey. I think the sex must have been amazing because the guy was an utter low life. He was living off of her/my child support money… and beating the shit out of her. Their fights were never goddamn ending. I would hide in my room after school and not come out. I was so alone. I had no friends and no escape. Mom was friends with Mary Jane, not with me. Mom wanted nothing to do with me. One day we were driving home and I was so attached to her. I needed my mom so goddamn bad… I was struggling to make friends at yet another new school and the PTSD made me feel so distant from everyone but I had no words for what was wrong with me I just thought I was terrible at making friends (I remember this: pathetically I checked out a book at the library: How to be your own best friend)… She pulled the car over and told me “we cant be friends.” Mom has some glorified memory of us driving around looking for our favorite tree in Autumn… the only thing I remember is that conversation…her rejecting me when I needed her the most… after we moved to the town my sister lived in so she could be close to her.

Again, still no help with the major depression, the CPTSD… just a lot of blame “why cant you be happy Melissa…whats wrong with you?” and I cant be clear enough about this: all her spare time at home was spent on Don, not me. I didn’t have clubs and groups and activities that she as sure to enroll me in. I didn’t have my brothers and sisters there with me. It was just me, after all that, trying to figure it out.

I was a burden to her. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me and be done. I felt it always.

An aside: When she was unsure if she wanted to stay in Boone, I remember her asking Charles if we should stay or go back to Florida…after he chimed in with his answer, I gave my opinion which she angrily scoffed at me and told me it didn’t matter what I thought, Id go where they tell me to go. My voice didn’t matter, I was a burden to her. I had no value as a person. I was powerless. So there I was in my bedroom that was the walkway between the living room and her room… at the mercy of whatever happened with no privacy or power over my life….. whats new.

Another aside: During that time we had gotten a dog that was a total pain in the ass for her to take care of. She gave it away while I was at school. I came home and the dog was gone and I was tearful thinking it ran away. She gave my dog away without telling me.

Then we moved out to Valley Crusis (9 miles outside of town…so isolated. I was so alone. The isolation was killing me. Where were my siblings. I needed help. I needed someone who was just there for me.) and Dons abusive behavior got even more extreme. I remember him picking me up from a concert that I was at….because he had sent Mom to the hospital with a sprained wrist and a busted lip. He was laughing about it when he told me to get in the car. Another time I remember Don looming in my bedroom door when Mom was at work and it was just us in the house… telling me: “Go ahead and call the police, nobody will believe you anyway.” I remember the woman who lived up the hill from us, with the curly hair…I think her name was Susan… coming down to the house while Mom and Don were gone and telling me If it ever gets too bad, you can always run up here. The neighbors knew I needed help. Where were my brothers and sisters? Where was my Mom? FUCK.

I remember Mom having many off the handle rages at me because I looked like a boy and my hair was crazy and I was so fucked up. I remember one morning after she had raged at me so hard that I was in stunned silence… we were sitting at breakfast at St Sinners and MJ kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong, I was clearly checked out and fucked up. I needed my sister. I had no voice or ability to speak up. I was scared of her husband, Glenn. Nobody helped me. Mom was the star of the brunch party!

I remember getting my first job at 15 and working at St Sinners…. Then, when mom bought the restaurant I stopped getting paid. She cut me off from my paycheck and told me it was my “duty to the family”… but she had Jim2 and his first wife Lynn there working and they were getting paid…and also stealing her money to fuel their coke habits. She didn’t value me, or my efforts but her golden son Jim can do no wrong even when he is fucking her out of her business.

I remember Jim2 offering me coke at a house party and John Golden and another friend getting me out of there away from my own brother. I remember Lynn being LIVID that I would stop by their house when I was lonely and wanted my family but instead I got shamed for thinking I could stop by and see them…and mom would tell me that “they had BUSY LIVES and I should leave them alone.”

I remember being so fucked up and alone in Boone….I mean, I now know I was just in shock and experiencing major depression. Mom kept asking me Whats wrong with you Melissa…when I was your age I had to choose between boyfriends… etc. Its incredible to me how Mom normalized my childhood abuse and completely erased my feelings or my personhood then blamed me for somehow being a problem child or wrong in whatever way….more incredible: people believed her.

During those years in Boone I remember her doing things like openly making fun of me when I thought I might be gay, fixing regular hamburgers and telling me they were tofu when I became vegetarian…starting a burn pile in the back yard full of toxic things after I told her how important recycling was to me and laughing at me as I cried…..every chance she had to make me feel awful about being me and disrespected she took.

Once I visited her at her office and she told me I was “too ugly to look at and she didn’t want anyone to know I was her daughter and to never come to her office again.”

Shes right, we were not friends. She was a jealous mean girl, obsessed with appearances and her shitty boyfriend.

Lets not forget when she, with Mary Janes help, stacked my portfolio with MJs lithographies and coached me how to lie to get me in to Governors school for the summer. She wanted me gone and she got her wish. I remember feeling like a fraud that summer. I wasn’t good enough to be there. I had to lie to be included. I remember she didn’t even drive me there. She had Don do it. He harassed me in the car all the way there, 3 hours…. then dropped me…16… off on the curb in front of the college and drove away. All the other kids had parents excitedly helping them get set up in their rooms…excited about their major accomplishment of getting in to Governors school… I was there with my milk crate of shit, a fraud. alone. Acting like a tough girl who didn’t need anyone. I was a pro at that. Mission accomplished, she was rid of me.

I remember how deep my depression was becoming by the time I was 18. That last year of high school I would bang my head against my bedroom wall in an attempt to knock myself out, in hopes that I would get sent away to a treatment center or something. I couldn’t take all the fighting between her and Don. I fucking hated him and he was in my house and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to throw myself down the back stairwell at school. I barely graduated high school my depression was eating me alive.

Amazing that nobody IN MY FAMILY SAW THAT I NEEDED HELP. I was invisible. Mary Ellen cast her proclamation that all was well, she was amazing and I was a problem child and that was that.

I have a million stories about Mom demoralizing me during those years…. Whats weird is that I have no memory of my Mary Jane there. I think she was so involved with Glenn and way up the mountain, I had no way to reach her. And I was scared of her husband Glenn. And, we were never close. And, she was Team Mary Ellen…. So I was just alone and wanted to die. Sincerely. Goddamn. Let it end.

I remember Don telling me that Mom was using my child support payment to make her car payment. So I asked her about where my child support was going and she told me she used it for my Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance…. So I called the insurance company to see if I had coverage…. They had no record of me. She was, again, a liar….

When I graduated high school she couldn’t get me out of the house fast enough. She pawned me off on my boyfriend Gebeaux and expected him to simply take care of me. We broke up. He didn’t sign up for that. I was basically kicked out of the house in valley crusis. I wasn’t prepared for life on my own. I wasn’t ready. She just wanted to be done being a mom so Hey..I came back to the house one day and all my stuff was packed and that was that. I had to figure it out. Fuck me.

At one point during that time I was living in a trailer with my friend Stacy. Mom was horrified about this. I was getting food stamps and she was so ashamed of me for being so low class. She came to the trailer and was completely off the handle. She said there was “no air” in there and grabbed a 2x4 and smashed out all the windows. Mind you from her perspective it was just another example of what a loser I am, living in a trailer on food stamps how did I end up such a piece of shit when she is such a wonderful mother… it must be because there is something inherently wrong about me.

She has seen me as trash who is incapable of being anything great my entire life.

Somewhere in there she stopped dating Don and started dating lawyer Rand Sterling…who broke her ribs multiple times and literally pushed her out of a moving car and then she walked 5 miles back to his house to be with him. That relationship took her to Texas. She followed the money. The insanity of that relationship is all I heard about from her. She needed Jim2 to come protect her from her husband multiple times. I absorbed all of this through her very rare but insane emails to me. She has always used me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground.

I had my first total mental break right around 19 years old. I was fetal position on the floor at my girlfriends house… Jenn… I couldn’t stop crying for multiple days and I felt my mind split in two. I literally went into a black hole and was begging for death. Jenn and the next door neighbor scooped me up off the floor and drove me to the Watauga County Mental Health and got me some help… but at this point I was having a total mental collapse… the part of me that was traumatized was a child denied her voice or any recognition of her Self, so I had no way to articulate what was wrong and Mom had denied and normalized the abuse and denied me voice and my personhood for so long that I had ZERO chance of articulating what was wrong… it was buried so deep inside of me and I was so scared to trust anyone…. I was experiencing schizophrenia and Major depression.

Jenn helped me with my depression. Jenn made sure I was housed and fed. Jenn took care of me. I owe her my life.

I mean, that is an extreme mental health episode. Where was my family? How could none of the people who were supposed to love me the most see any of this? Why did none of them help me? Why did all of them think I was to blame? (my guess: Team Mary Ellen)

Somewhere in that year my friends were moving to Chapel Hill so I packed up the car that my child support paid for and I went down the mountain. She threatened to call the police on me for stealing the car. She told me I needed discipline and needed to go into the Army. She just didn’t know what to do with me…such a problem child. If I remember correctly, you echoed her sentiments. Everyone was always so angry at me for being so wrong and so bad. None of my family (meaning MJ and mom because my brothers had long bailed on me and my extended family has never made a single attempt to reach out to me or know me at all.) were my friend, or loving, kind or compassionate.

I got away….I went to Chapel Hill and lived with my best friends Kerry, Lesley, Julie, and two other guys in Kerry’s Moms rental house. I was working at the Columbia Street Bakery and dating this boy, Richard…. Who happened to be a really abusive drug dealer… who held me down one night and violently orally raped me and when I called mom for help she told me with the exasperation of a mother who had supposedly tried so hard to do the right thing and raise her child with love and support but that child was just tragic and terminally fucked :

“I don’t know whats wrong with you Melissa, I guess you just like the bad boys.”

Again, no self reflection on her behalf…she did nothing to help me.

I didn’t know how to get away from Richard who was playing mind fuck with me and I was getting high with him (LSD) …which was basically, me being drugged and him using me for sex but not being loving or kind in any way (felt like home) Eventually, Richard got busted for selling a page of lsd to an undercover cop and threatened to kill me because he thought it was my fault… so I had to get out of there and I went to New York to chill out and work for the summer at the Omega Institute of Holistic Learning… to just be around hippies and eat good food. I hung out with Baba Ram Dass and Ben & Jerry…and took a class on the whirling dervish… These moments when I wasn’t in the pressure cooker of my life were both brilliant because I needed healing but also the worst because all this trauma would start to surface and I didn’t know what it was or how to speak about it. I would start to shatter again.

I believed it was my fault and there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was so lost. I needed help. I needed a parent or loving compassionate family or someone trusted to guide me through that time in my life. I had no one but my friends from North Carolina who were just as fucked up as me. I needed help. I needed help. Oh my god, I needed help.

Omega ended…I had no money to get out of there, nobody to turn to for help, no clue what to do next, I certainly couldn’t go back to Mom who hated me and was living with Rand so fuck that… I had no idea where my brothers and sisters were and no relationship with them so that wasn’t on my mind as an option…..so I caught whatever ride I could get and ended up in Boulder. One of my friends from Omega hooked me up with her cousin for a month and I tried to make it work… it was basically winter in Colorado at this point and I was out there door canvassing for Green Peace making no money and freezing to death. Just walking door to door for Greenpeace… looking in on other families and their loving lives together. I was so fucking sad. I was hungry and scared and completely out of options. I had to get out of there.

I called Mom for help. She said: “You got yourself into this, get yourself out”…. And hung up on me. The bitch hung up on me. I was stranded and so scared and I needed my mom. She hung up on me. She blamed me. She wanted to punish me for being such a problem. She was done being a mom. She hung up.

I remember having gone to the Planned Parenthood to get some medical help because I was sick. I explained my situation and the nurse looked at me incredulously and said “where are you parents?” I explained to her that Mom hung up on me. I was devastated, living in a constant state of shock. Scared out of my sense of self or ability to connect to the present moment.

I was a fractured soul in every possible meaning.

My month at my friends place was over and I had to find an apartment or live on the streets. It took me another month of begging whatever guy I could find to give me a place to stay and then I contacted the boy I was dating at Omega, Scott, and asked him for money to get a bus back to North Carolina. He helped me. Bless him. He got me out of there.

I got on the Greyhound and ended up going to Idaho to visit with my friend Stacy (who I lived in the trailer with) and stay with her for a couple weeks to get grounded and feel safe with a friend for a minute. My mental break was coming back full force. I was inconsolable. I remember laying on her bed fully having an out of body experience from the stress and being so disoriented. She is so patient and kind. She took care of me. When my time with Stacy was up, the next layer of insanity: I got on the Greyhound and took a 5 day no sleep, no food journey across country. I got chased down, carrying all my bags of things and looking like a little hippie… on a layover, by a group of drunk men in Wyoming…they almost got me but I found a laundromat that was open and full of people so I ran inside and hid until my bus was leaving again. I was terrified. By the time I made it back to Lesley and Kerrys house in Chapel Hill it was New Year night…I got some hours back at the Columbia Street bakery I was working at and got some money rolling in.

I want to mention that Poverty, which I have lived most my life in, is no joke and more damaging than anyone outside of the experience can understand. It is cyclical, like bi polar…. Living paycheck to paycheck or however you get just enough to maybe hold on for a moment longer but never knowing if more will be coming is a terror. Always feeling like the bottom is going to drop out…and never knowing when youre going to eat…and what that does to your hormones and your mental health…. Poverty is proven to damage people on a cellular level and have lasting effects that lead to chronic illness.

After making it back to NC, few weeks later the boy from Omega came to Chapel Hill and told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to move to Boston with him. So we took a little road trip and eventually ended up in Boston. As a surprise to no one sane, that was not a lasting relationship. So after a year of misery in Boston, (more poverty, more loneliness, more no family) Scott drove me back to Chapel Hill and that’s when the girls and I all moved up to Asheville. All the while, checking in with Mom who was yelling and shaming me for being such a fuck up.

I can’t underline enough: I was disassociating the entire time. I was having episodes of schizophrenia. I was experiencing major depression and bi polar disorder. The stress of my entire life was more than I could handle and I had no support and no compassion and nobody validating my experience or me as a person. People just thought that was who I was. I was just fucked in every way possible and believed she was right and all that was normal and I was a terrible piece of shit. She had everyone believing that.

Mary Jane believed her. She echoed her sentiments to me. Go Team Mary Ellen.

I moved up to Asheville and got somewhat stabilized. I was again living with my friends and I got a decent job at the Laughing Seed Cafe. I met Mark and I had decided to go to college because I thought that would make Mom happy and I needed to DO something with myself.

Mark and I were together maybe 8 weeks before we moved across country and started a life together. Eight weeks.

I was so adept at being a high functioning dissociative major depressive and I had no way to articulate what was wrong with me (all that stuff that had been normalized and ignored…all the ways my feelings and personhood was erased)… I just knew something evil bad was in me and it took me out from time to time. I thought it was my fault and I was ashamed of myself. I was living in a constant state of shock. CPTSD.

So, I get myself into college and thanks to Mark and his truck we move across country.

When I hear my friends now talking about saving money for their kids college and really setting them up for success by helping them choose a school and get settled in or making sure they don’t have to work so they can focus on their studies and have a healthy social life with friends and do activities Im so confused. I didn’t know parents and families helped their kids with such things. I didn’t understand that in other families they help, protect and support. I made it through without any of these blessings.

Mark and I get a shitty apartment (the ceiling caved in out of rot and the place was full of roaches. The property managers stole my drum set and we would catch them on the roof at night peeping through the skylight to watch us), I get a full time job managing a restaurant…in addition to schooling full time...Im overwhelmed by the workload, scared to be across country, freaked out by college and the expectations… it was too much. I was away from the source of my abuse and things started to surface… I NEEDED HELP.

I needed my family except, honestly, I have none. Additional mindfuck: when I tried to talk to people about this I get the old trope about how everyone has tough relationships in their families and I need to love my mom and work it out with her.SO I KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE WITH MOM BECAUSE I NEEDED HER LOVE SO BAD AND I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS ME. Further, because I was so regressed I just sounded like a petulant child when I tried to talk about the abuse I had no accurate words for so nobody outside the experience really got it or could conceive how bad things really were for me… why would they? My family is extraordinarily fucked up, like nobody I have ever known.

In college, nobody comes to check on me and make sure Im ok. Nobody was calling. Id get rare emails or letters. When I would tell mom how hard it was, mom would mock me and tell me to suck it up when I would reach out to her and “complain” about how things were going for me… See, because its always my fault and Im never measuring up.

An aside: To this day, 40 years later, Jim2 has yet to even send me a single email to check and make sure Im ok or get to know me at all. He has never responded to the multiple emails I have sent him, so I stopped reaching out. I used to cry to mom about it and she would tell me that he “has a busy life” and I had to understand that’s why I wasn’t a priority to him. Personally, I cant imagine anything being more important than making a connection with your little sister, but I guess Im biased and not like him: busy getting high and drunk and being a cool party guy.

During my college is when he married Lori. I worked over time and got a plane ticket to be at his wedding. I was sick to my stomach at the idea of having to be around my family but I love my brother and I wanted to be there. He ignored me the entire time I was there. I was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that I could afford the ticket and made the effort to be there for him. I showed up for him….He ignored me. I was devastated and felt invisible and so worthless.

Another aside: I was 24 and that very first Christmas on the west coast Mom calls me, driving herself to the ER to get her stomach pumped from a suicide attempt. She was dramatically telling me her goodbye in case she didn’t make it. I was stressed and powerless beyond the telling of it. I cried all the way through that Christmas. Again: Mom always uses me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground. Out of all her children, Im the one with heart and she gets the sympathy she is working me over for.

During my college years, I would ask Mom for help she would mock me “Im sending baby Sava (MJs daughter) a care package…are you a baby? Do you need one too?”

Mean girl jealousy that I went to college and her life was taken from her by her children….

In college I had no friends, just Mark. No time for activities and my mental health was so fragile I had no ability to form friendships. I was barely hanging on. I would be catatonic in my time at home. We had this geometry screensaver on the computer and I would be frozen staring at it for hours while my brain felt like it was going to shatter. I was an absolute wreck and a shell of a person…but I was determined to prove I could graduate college and I wasn’t a fuck up. I wanted Mom to be proud of me.

I guess it should come as no surprise that after 4 years of no time off, working and schooling 80 hours a week, getting zero support emotionally or financially from my family …. that absolutely NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO CELEBRATE ME AT MY GRADUATION.

Nobody came. Nobody celebrated me. Nobody saw the value in me or my hard work.

I remember being on the phone with Jim2 the day of my graduation. I had called him to ask why he wasn’t there for me. I was in tears. He told me that if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, congratulations on your nice life. He thought it was bullshit that I was so upset. He thought I was being a baby. This loser dropped out of college which he had a scholarship for and did nothing with his life but drugs and alcohol and saw no value in me or what I did on my own. He didn’t show up for me.

Me going to college and graduating on time with full credits was a major fucking accomplishment on so many levels.

Not one of my family was there for me and I will never forgive or forget that.

We moved to the same fucking town Mary Jane was in when she was in college and never ONCE did anyone come to check on me and be interested in what I was doing or validate how amazing it was that I was in school and making it happen on my own.

When I talk about how alone I feel in life, its in my bones.

I had worked over time to get Mom a plane ticket so she would be there for my graduation and she called me a couple days before to tell me pathetically “She couldn’t get the day off work.” (Lie: I think she has some legal issue and couldn’t leave the state or something like that.)

After she called to bail on my graduation… at 27 years old… I had a heart attack on my walk home. I collapsed in my living room. Mark found me on the floor when he got home from work. She literally broke my heart. I was devastated. I was in shock. I was dissociating. I was so fucked up. I needed help. Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was wrong and neither did I.

Shortly after my graduation, MJ graduated and she drove to see her and was sure to tell me about it. I mean, they are BFFs so, no surprises there. GO TEAM MARY ELLEN, right?

Whats wrong with you Melissa? My family. My family is whats wrong with me.

During college I was stressed to the point of being catatonic when I wasn’t at work or school. My mental health was tanking in every possible way… but the pressure cooker of school and work kept me hemmed in and my desire to prove that I was someone worth loving (because god knows I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me…No one was simply going to show up for me or simply be there. I had to earn it.)

…. then we moved to Seattle and I had three years at Amazon in that pressure cooker of a job… (10 to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week) working as a Lead running a team of 200 people to keep me too busy to feel my feelings or connect to emerging myself.

At some point after I graduated and it no longer mattered, I remember MJ came to visit me one time. That was nice of her. Thank you for trying, MJ.

But heres the fun part: Mark. Mark loved me.

Mark is the very first and to this day ONLY person who has been intimately involved in my life who loves and respected me just as I am.

It was Mark loving me that allowed me to start developing a voice and for that very young very traumatized person inside of me to start coming to the surface. Mark was the very best thing that has ever happened to me….and, ironically, it was because he loved me that all that evil finally came to the surface…and was our demise.

All the things dad did to me, all the never ending abuse from mom that sought to vilify and demoralize me… all of the hurt from the abandonment from my brothers and sisters… all that evil came up because he Loved me enough to make me feel safe and supported…I just didn’t know that then and couldn’t see or feel that he was the most tremendous gift this life has ever given me ….

and I started sexually assaulting myself in my sleep (woke up one time with an entire box of tampons inside of me and had to go to the doctor to get them all out). I would throw punches in my sleep. I was having an utter mental breakdown/ breakthrough… and then I started acting out sexually with other men that I met online. I felt like I was being puppet mastered from some evil unknown source. I was manic and acting out sexually. That default programing from my childhood was calling the shots. I didn’t have a sense of self so I was acting from what I knew and what Dad taught me about myself and the self-worth that mom made sure I didn’t have.

I say acting out sexually. What I should say is reenacting the trauma…which there was so very much of. I was on auto pilot and at that time if you asked me if that’s what I wanted to be doing I would have said yes out of programming but the core truth of who I am knew it was not at all right or who I am or what I wanted…that core didn’t have a voice yet.

2001, Amazon had laid us all off. I got hired working at a treatment center for abused youth. I was major depressive and would be fetal position on the floor and cry for a month at a time but I didn’t know why or what was wrong… I was just deeply goddamn depressed and wanted to die. All the time. Goddamn. Let it end.

Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was happening. He was the perfect boyfriend. He tried so hard to help me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect man to come in to my life…and he was stuck with me. Mentally fucked Melissa with no clue what was wrong… and worst of all, I thought I had to get out of my relationship with Mark.

Crazy,right?….I asked Mom for help. She had no relationship with me and no clue what was going on in my life…She is a complete train wreck of a human and so deep in her own denial and so wrapped up in her latest abusive relationship with a rich man that she could honestly give a fuck about me and thought the worst of me anyway… so yeah, break up with him and oh my god Melissa I don’t know what to do with you.

I kept cheating on him over and over again. I was off the rails with my manic depression. Spending, fucking, driving my car too fast…. Through a chat room, I got mixed up with a man that felt like Dad to me and I was entranced and captive to him. Mark asked me to marry him and I broke up with him, moved out.. I was off the rails with the sexual acting out/re traumatizing myself.

(Mark immediately met the woman he has since married and has been with for the past 18 years. I would give anything to have that man back in my life…Throughout these years, my memory of how he treated me has been the standard by which I have held all other men and nobody measures up….Beyond his character and integrity, the art, music and intelligence that lives within this handsome and kind man is incomparable. I blew it. Fuck. I pushed away the most incredible man I ever knew and he loved me. I still love him to this day.)

At that same time I heard a rumor at work that one of the counselors (reggie, 24) had slept with a client(raya,16). I knew reggie was capable of it (I had slept with him) so I reported it to the Unit manager, Big Mike. ……What I didn’t know is that Reggie, Mike and the guy I was so into, Cash were all friends who grew up together and in the same gang……

and so it was that month that I moved out from Mark that the man that I was so “in love with”, Cash, drugged me at a house party and raped me with 4 of his friends to teach me a lesson for reporting Reggie.

I remember sharing a beer with Cash and then feeling tired and dizzy and asking to lay down and then multiple hours of being barely coherent and having no control over my body and being passed around for everyone to fuck over and over again.

Cash was a sex trafficker and grooming me all along. No wonder he felt like home. My need for family and my daddy issues in full effect, I couldn’t break the spell. I was terrified of him and wanted him to think I was so sexy…..He was masterful with the mindfuck and kept me under his thumb at all times which felt like attention and love to me and was intense enough that I could feel it.

At that time, in Washington, you had a statue of limitations of 8 years to report a rape.

Mind you, I was so dissociative and still had no idea I was a person or had any rights to my thoughts or my body… I was really goddamn checked out at that point in my life….I was in shock. The childhood assault trauma was just surfacing and I had no words for it because it had been normalized and my feelings negated by my parents So, I didn’t know if I had been raped or not….it took me years to figure out that its wrong to drug someone and have all your friends fuck them…

I didn’t know I should or could ask for help. I didn’t believe I could be helped. I didn’t think anyone would help me. I didn’t know I was a person. I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know I could escape or how.

ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO GET HELP OR THAT I DESERVED IT???????

Whats wrong with you, Melissa?

In the meanwhile, Cash was making sure I wouldn’t report it.

He knew I was away from Mark, had a history of sexual assault and no family, and that I lived in absolute poverty so there was zero chance I could escape him.

I was in so much trouble. I needed help. I called Mom. I explained that it all to her. I explained that they were a gang. That it was sex trafficking… that I needed help…. To which she said “Let them play godfather. Whats the worst they can do?”….. (nice way to minimize the extreme danger I was in and negate me as a person, don’t you think?)

that bitch loves to see me suffer and struggle, doesn’t she. Doesn’t it make her look amazing when I look like shit? So she didn’t help me. She shit talked me to the rest of the family like I wanted to be in that situation because I was trash. Nobody helped me.

I remember talking to Mary Jane around that time explaining that I was getting counseling and she, like mom, shamed me and told me I didn’t have bipolar or something like that… She was Team Mary Ellen all the way and me getting counseling was just attention seeking or something like that.

See, this is why MJ and I have never been friends or close. I cant trust her. Shes not someone I think of as an ally. Sorry about that, MJ. Im not trying to be mean but… look at why I think that.

I really do look up to her though. She is so smart and capable. But I cant trust her and this is why.

By the way, here’s just a few of examples of the worst they can do while “playing Godfather”: They were so invested in making sure I never spoke about the rape they made sure I was living in such constant fear for my life (mental domination) that I was too scared to talk to anyone about it:

*They had voyeur cameras in my house…that they were making money off of.

*They had software on my laptop to collect all my personal data (social security, passwords, answers to security questions) so I am owned by them to this day.

*They had GPS on my car to track me everywhere I went and would leave notes on my car to let me know I was constantly being watched.

*They flipped my therapists office and stole all her files to make sure there was no record

*They poisoned my dog every day for a month while I was at work…I would come home to Milo cowering in the corner like he had been abused all day long and diarrhea all over the floor until one day I yelled out in my home with nobody there that I would find Cashs son and do the same to him…and I went online and found his childs home address…yelled that out to my empty apartment…and after that day Milo was never sick again….

*Then there are the 2 times they broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, drugged me in my sleep and did whatever and dumped me at the park. One of those time I woke up with half my face slack and paralyzed as though I had a stroke. By the grace of god I got the feeling back but to this day its still a little droopy.

*They sent their equally psycho boy Alex into my life to keep watch on me. He was horribly mentally abusive. I was so broken and demoralized. I needed to get away. Instead, I got pregnant. Alex also gave me syphilis ..and so I had an abortion. I had to get two Orders of Protection to get Alex away from me. When I called mom for help with the pregnancy, she was off the rails hysterical and I was yet even more scared and alone. Mom blamed me for all of it. Further evidence Im trash. I got pregnant by a mistake by a black man.

There is more, I mean it was 8 years of daily torture… but I think you get the idea. Complete mental domination was the name of their game.

I had no friends. None. I was so fucked up. I was terrified to speak to anyone because everything felt like danger. Just these men showing up when they felt like to to fuck me and terrorize me. Eight years. My 30s. I was miserable beyond the telling of it.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. I needed help. I was so scared. I needed my family. I got yelled at and shamed. I was so alone. I wanted to die. I was so depressed and fucked up. Goddamn. Let it end. And the worst of it all is that I really didn’t even have myself. I never had a chance to be safe enough to develop a self. I was a shell of a human. I was out of my head. I was so checked out with the PTSD and the trauma of it all. I was scared to be alive. Soul fracturing is real.

This was how I spent my 30s. Somehow pulling myself together to go to work during the day because I didn’t want to be homeless, coming home and having a total mental collapse at night and all the while being mentally tortured by a gang of sex traffickers and when I reached to my family for help I got blamed for being a fucked up piece of shit.

I had no one. When I talk about my isolation and how alone I am, its cumulative. Its all this and more.

I don’t need to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas to be with someone for the holidays. I don’t need to get a dog. I need family. I need to be validated on a daily basis that I matter and am loveable just as I am. I need someone safe who is simply there. I need people in my life who celebrate me without me asking. I need people who are there for those simple mundane acts of living that define us…I need to come home to love.

The miracle: I kept myself employed and was successful in my corporate career path, I kept myself housed, and drug and alcohol free the entire time. I had the where with all to get counselling and try to work through my shit. I never gave up on myself even though I didn’t yet know who I am and my family had absolutely written me off from day one.

Then the Recession happened. I, of course, had never learned money management skills so there really wasn’t any savings to rely on. I was comfort eating like a motherfucker, I had student loans, a car payment and insurance and a foolishly large and expensive apartment, I had these lecherous men that were taking advantage of me financially too… I was manic depressive… I was paying for counselling (which if I am not mistaken over the years has totaled $100k) But to be honest, I don’t know where my money went… so when the Recession hit it took about 2 months before I was selling off everything I own and living in my car….where I stayed for the next year with my dog.

Nobody help me stay safe or in my integrity. I had no friends in Seattle to turn to. Mom told me to put my things in garbage bags and throw it all away…take the dog to the pound… and work with my counselor (she was angry about me getting help because she perceived it as being me trying to vilify her and this was her chance to punish me for getting help) and find a shelter to check in to because I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

Let me say that again: My mom knew I was losing everything, told me to throw my life away, dump my kid at the pound and told me to check into a shelter, I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

MY MOM.

Shes sees me as trash. She threw me away. Doesn’t she look amazing when Im failing?

Work in Seattle was impossible to find. I literally had 700 resumes out. Understand, I have held a job consistently since I was 15 years old and somehow mom thought this moment was me being a lazy piece of shit and just trying to manipulate her for money when I asked for help.

Sure. Ok.

I spent the next year in my car with no money coming in other than whatever odd jobs I could grab on craigslist to make my car payment. I drove back to North Carolina to seek help from my friends and my brother. My friends back home were not in a position to help me in any long lasting way but bless them all for what they did…

but Jim 2, who lives in Raliegh, was. He just declined. He made me a sandwich…told me there was nothing he could do for me (he has three houses)…and I spent the night in my car outside my brother’s house.

I had an ex acquaintance from Seattle who lived in Raleigh. He was part of the abuser sex trafficking gang. He let me sleep on the floor but would beat the shit out of me if I tried to sleep on the couch. I was so demoralized and out of my head, I needed literally anyone to be there for me….so, I stayed there, on the floor, for a month.

My brother was 15 minutes away, could have kept me safe but my brother chose to do nothing to help me.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. My family. Definitely gonna say my family.

When it was clear that North Carolina wasn’t going to be any better for work than Seattle I decided to drive back to the west coast. I had to drive through Texas and I didn’t stop at Moms house. I didn’t even try. Why would I? I was so hopeless and out of my head with depression and PTSD. I was screaming into the great black nothing. I was cutting myself all over to get the evil out. I would punch my own face black and blue from self loathing… again, thinking it was all my fault and that I was defective. I mean… my own family didn’t want me. Nobody did. It was me. I was a horrible piece of shit and deserved to die. Nobody loved or wanted me. Nobody kept me safe. I was deeply lost in the void. I wanted to die. Goddamn. Let it end.

That year in the car was by far worse than the 8 years of being tortured by sex traffickers or the 13 years of living with my sex predator father or the 7 years of being stuck in bumfuck North Carolina with my moms abuser boyfriend stealing the show.

Without question having nobody and knowing that nobody cares if you are safe, in your integrity, have a door to lock, privacy of any kind, if you are fed or showered… knowing for a demonstrated fact that there is not a single person on earth who cares enough to validate your humanity is the absolute worst feeling I have ever known. Being completely dehumanized, demoralized, erased. I begged for death.

Whats wrong with you Melissa?

Fun fact: during that time, instead of helping me or offering me a job at her business doing the exact job I did so well at Amazon (I asked for one and told her I would sleep in the attic at the office and she told me No), to mock me and show me what a failure I am and that I was just trying to manipulate her for money because Im a lazy loser

Mom went to her local Costco and applied for a job to show me how easy it was for her to get hired.

I mean, if youre going to be void of a soul, you should really go for it. Kudos, Mom.

I drove through California on the way back home to Seattle and met my sister Patty for the first time. We look like two peas in a pod. We think exactly the same. She is undeniably my sister. It was the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my entire life I actually felt and thought the same as someone else.

She casually declined to introduce me to her family. They kept looking at me incredulously because we look just the same… but she would shoo them away when they would come over to talk. I met her at her restaurant and then she took me to her palatial home. She has a huge family. She had tons of photo albums… and then she started talking about Dad…like she was in a trance and talking about a favorite lover… it was clear that Dad had sexualized her and maintained that relationship with her well into her adult life and that was the reason she had no contact with us and didn’t want a deeper relationship with me. One conversation was all I got with her. I slept in my car outside her home. My sister didn’t help me. Whats wrong with you Melissa???

In one shot from LA I drove back to Seattle. I figured out that the Queen Anne neighborhood had the lowest crime rate so I parked there. I was so sick to death of all the nights that year that I would wake up with someone trying to break in to the car. Thank god I had Milo with me. He saved me multiple times from intruders that year. My body was a wreck from car living and shit food. My mental health beyond destroyed. I was really just done. Run through. All the way run through.

I did a brief stint staying in Silverdale with my friend from NC that I managed to re connect with on my drive back… but the hour drive into Seattle from Silverdale was too much so I lumped it and just slept in my car in Queen Anne once I secured my job…..

I went in to Top Pot Doughnuts every day for a month and demanded a job until they gave me one. I was 8 weeks into that job, still sleeping in the car but I had forward momentum when I totaled the car. I had the very last car payment in the seat next to me I had worked so fucking hard to maintain my payments in good faith despite it all and come out of that situation with my car but nope…fuck me. I was on my way to the gym and I was giving myself a pep talk telling myself everything was going to be ok….and I ate it…40 miles an hour into a stopped truck on the West Seattle Bridge. Entirely my fault. Milo went to the pound. All my earthly belongings went to the impound yard. I went to the ER…. And I called every single person I knew and who I thought could help me.

Just when you think you have nothing left, turns out you can go lower. Nobody returned my call.

Me, the unwanted, loveable piece of shit. I could die and nobody cared. Whats wrong with you Melissa?

I got out of the hospital, I had made contact with my online friend Rishad and he let me stay for a couple days… BLESS HIM… In those two days I got on the bus. I took the bus that goes through Capitol Hill and up to Queen Anne where my job was. I wrote down every apartment for rent phone number I could see and I started making calls. In the first true lucky break I had in years, this apartment manager woman at a really sweet little apartment on the hill heard me out…heard my story… it was the 15th of the month. I had my car payment check and I cashed it and gave her the money… She gave me the keys and a wink and told me I could move in “on the first”, that’s what the money I gave her would pay for…. and that she definitely didn’t know anything about a dog so no pet fee was needed.

I went right upstairs, LOCKED MY OWN DOOR and laid on the floor with literally nothing left to my name and cried so fucking hard.

I had whiplash from the accident. I fractured 4 molars on my steering wheel and over the years as my dentist promised they have slowly one by one fallen out of my face. I had broken both my feet and wracked my knees…. But I had a place that was my own and a job and that’s all that mattered.

I went right to the pound the next day and got Milo. I went to the impound lot and got what was left of my life. I missed a sum total of two days of work…. I was so thankful to have a job again I blocked out the pain from my broken body and I just kept going.

(Mind you the only thing Mom has ever been proud of me for in my lifetime is losing weight. That’s what got her attention…that’s what she was impressed by. I went on a diet.)

That next year, I lost 70 pounds at the gym. I perceived my training team as the family I never had and I was good at lifting weights. They weren’t honestly my friends or family but it was something consistent and I needed that stability and I needed them so fucking bad. It took 5 years to start to return to a somewhat functioning human... Lifting helped me get back into my body and stop checking out so much. My nutrition plan made me focus on myself every moment of every day…and nothing beats depression like clean food and working out. Structure and consistency.

My PTSD was off the rails though. I was worse than a soldier coming back from war…I never signed up for that shit and it started when I was a child. I was suffering. I wanted to die. Every moment of every day. I was miserable to be around. Nobody wanted to be my friend. So, trust me…just work and the gym with my illusion that people were there for me and me inappropriately and overly attached to them.

The irony is that I looked amazing and strong and I was, yes. The reality is that I wanted to die. I begged for death. I had two suicide attempts in those years….I surprised myself and cut my wrist with my house keys on the way to work one day and another time I walked into traffic but the car swerved.

Coming out of all that happened and processing all that trauma took more will power and resolve than anything I have ever done. It was so dark. I felt demon possessed. I was out of my head. I would find myself walking out of my place into public with no skirt on just my tights or other crazy shit like that. I was talking to myself, having heated arguments with nobody there all the fucking time. I was punching myself in the face. I was cutting and other such self harm.

It was really bad. I was hurting so fucking much.

And, I had another sociopath boyfriend taking full advantage of my disadvantage…keeping me fucked up because it kept me there for him. Thomas was in my life for 7 years. Absolute Scum. But he was the only person who would show up in person for me. I needed to be held. I was so out of my head and I still had no friends in my life…just people on the internet.… So again, this familiar situation: I just let him use me so I could have literally anyone there. The social and emotional isolation was killing me and I was convinced I was in love. He felt like home. He kept telling me we would be together if I waited. That he loved me. That I was the Key! I was the only time he was happy. The reality was he wouldn’t speak to me during the week. He would just show up on a Friday or Saturday night when he felt like it, from 1am to 3am…literally show up with his dick out to fuck me…very often wouldn’t speak to me when he was there…then he would leave and that was what I considered my relationship and love. It was about 2 years into our “relationship” that the truth slowly started to surface that he was in a long term relationship and he lived with her….

The details of how twisted he is and how he manipulated my daddy issues is disgusting. How he used neglect to keep me working so hard for him to be there and begging for his attention….really sick.

He felt like home which is the worst part. He was exactly like home.

It took me three years at the doughnut shop to get emotionally stabilized enough to make a plan for next steps. I was too emotionally fragile to go back to corporate work or be in an office environment. I knew I wanted to go to massage school and I really thought it could be an answer for me even though Mary Jane and mom had previously shamed and mocked me when I said I wanted to go. Mom didn’t think I could be anything better than a waitress. She told me to stop complaining that I hated my work and just go do it.

It was around this time that I had to move out of the apartment because they raised the rent by double on my sweet apartment and I found my way into squatting in my Art studio, where I have been for the past 7 years.

This studio has been so needed and healed me in so many ways. It is private enough to have a complete mental collapse and since it was a former isolation tank/jail… Nobody can get in here….bars over the windows and a steel door…so, I could sleep at night for the first time in years. The rent is crazy affordable which allowed me to go to school and later afford activities to try to learn social skills and be a real person in the world…. This place is my everything.

When I had my first art show… consisting of the photos that I took when I was living in my car. One of the ways I survived and changed my paradigm to get out of the car alive was that I would walk around and task myself with Looking through the eyes of Love. I would try to find one thing each day that I could see beauty in so I could continue to see good in the world…thus my collection of flower photos that I maintain to this day as my gratitude practice.

Mom picked up the phone and called me the night of my show.

(Mind you, she has never been there for me. Over the years since she kicked me out I think we have talked on the phone maybe 10 times. There have been years where she refused to give me her phone number…she made a game of it for years…I would email and ask for it she would say she was going to give it to me in her reply but never would. Then she finally did and a week later she changed it again. Psycho. Another time I can remember a time we talked on the phone and I ended by saying I love you and she was silent and struggled to say it back. Whats incredible is that she has always pretended to be someone who knows me and knows whats going on in my life and talks about it with such authority. This is a narcissistic abuser in action. What she was doing was scanning my social media and whatever scraps of information she could get and twisting it into whatever story she needed to support her storyline about me being a problem child and a fuck up and what a wonderful mother she is so she could continue to live in denial. She cant face the past and she has never done any work to own her part or apologize. So, now Ive cut her off. She does things now like call the place where I get my mail and had the people who run the PO box office tell me my mother called and she is worried about me and she asked them for whatever information they had on me -so I had to get a new PO Box place where the owners have English as a distant 2nd language- or she will go through my friends list on social media and contact people to see if they will keep tabs on me for her and share her story about what a problem I am and how she is just a loving mother who I have scorned and of course people believe her. She said the magic word: Mother. Nobody would suspect what kind of Mother she actually is and they see me all angry, regressed emotionally like a child and so fucked up and struggling in the world so she must me right about me, yeah? Text book actions when you try to break away from a Narcissist)

So…I get into the studio and Im all set up for my show and she called me to say this: “So, youre having an art show huh? You think youre so great. Youre still alone though aren’t you? (the mean girl was jealous that I somehow retained a sense of self and did something neat to be proud and again, she wanted to punish me…the woman is demented.) You know, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that damn dog.” And then she laughed at me. Made some shit comment about my basement studio “not having air” and some other bullshit and we ended the call. My party guests were arriving. My self-confidence was missing in action for the rest of my night. Nice, right? That’s my mom.

Shortly after I get in to the Studio Milo got sick. Really really sick. As I promised him from day one, I would never let him suffer for my own selfish reasons…. So, I rented a car, took him to the vet and had him put down. The love of my life and my great protector. This sweet soul that was my constant source of love and hope for 14 years. When I posted on my facebook thread about his passing, mom commented that she was devastated at her loss. Because, you know… Milos death, this dog that she wanted me to throw away, was about how it impacted HER. …yeah….ok.

I want to mention out of the context of a clear timeline that somewhere in here I trained for and ran two Tough Mudders. They are 12 mile courses with 20 really fucking hard obstacles. They are designed to be run with a team. I ran them both solo because nobody wanted to join me. On the days that I went to the events, neither my Trainer or the man I was so in love with, Thomas, sent me as much as a good luck text to wish me well or acknowledge my accomplishment. My previously 215 pound ass had shrunk to 140 pounds and, at 40 years old ran a team event solo and made it through in TWO AND A HALF HOURS completing every single obstacle, no excuses…. And nobody who should have been excited and invested in my success said a word.

I was still invisible. I still did not matter. I was still not celebrated by the people who should have been there for me.

I want to point this out: Even I did not think I mattered or what I was doing was noteworthy. I was still so checked out and erased to myself that it didn’t click in my head that my life and all that I was doing and surviving was me doing the impossible.

My friend Luke (who I met online dating but I knew we were meant to be solid friends for life) made a point to come with me to the first Tough Mudder. He spent the entire day out there and he took photos of me… He is the reason that I can now reflect on what I did and actually SEE MYSELF. That gift is immeasurable. Luke evidenced me. Im here today as a whole person in part because of him. Also of note, the transition time between the apartment and the studio: Luke let me stay with him. He kept me safe and he was my sounding board and my true friend. I have nothing but the deepest most heartfelt love and respect for him. His story is equally harrowing and he is a miracle in action. Thank you Luke. I love you. Youre in my inner circle for life.

Now that Milo was gone and I was feeling somewhat more stabilized as a human, I knew it was time to make my career plan and try to get into massage school. Here is the next great stroke of luck in my lifetime: I went to Discovery Point and I talked to the women that run the school I explained my situation and that I was completely broke. They let me go to school for free in those 9 months with the understanding that I would clean the school on the weekends, make what payments I could as I went along and work out a payment plan immediately after graduation and that they would hold my diploma until that was complete. OH SWEET MERCY.

My days during those 9 months were 17 hours long. I would manage the café in the morning 5am to 1pm, go to the gym to lift and run from 2 to 4, then to school from 5 to 10pm…all the while walking to get to each place. I was getting something like 12 miles a day. I did it. I made my 9 months of cleaning the school and keeping my life on track ( no cheering section, nobody doing laundry, cooking, keeping bills paid or there to comfort me but me: Whats new?) , I passed my exam and I was on track to move my life forward.

I feel like there should have been a celebration when I graduated because that’s fucking astounding…. but, hey… nothing happened, nobody in my life said a word of congratulations about it. Surprise.

I live alone. I have no friends beyond those that exist on the computer, acquaintances from community, and a few co workers that I have hung out with from time to time and I always make a big deal about that on social media which gives the illusion that I have people, but I really dont. My only contact with others is at work. I go home to an empty room and there is no support or comfort. Its really impossible to describe to people who have people what it is like to live with this constant isolation and utter lack of emotional intimacy and how it eats you alive…but this has been my life.

People who don’t understand tell me to get a dog or volunteer or pay for therapy for companionship. That’s a cruel tone deaf response. People need people and it is reasonable to want to be loved, intimately, from the outside in. What I want is to simply matter, and be loved and valued, and have someone who is there without having to do something to receive that…..

Because I have yet to be understood when I talk about it, I have for the most part stopped talking about my isolation that is to this day very real for me.

Im so lonely I just want to die. Whats new.

In the next year, I was waiting tables still and somehow managed to pay off $10k for my license… on a year where I only made $24k. again, no celebration when I told my co workers about it…. I thought it was a big deal.

During that year I went to the doctor and discovered that I was literally malnourished. I was pushing it too hard with working out and keeping everything on track and my personal trainer wasn’t actually reading the food journal I sent him each night… so I got pneumonia as well….but just kept going.

I also got my Personal Training Cert and my Nutrition Counseling cert that year and started working as a Personal Trainer while I looked for a Massage job. Things were lightening up for me. The tremendous crushing weight of my entire life was lightening up.

But the reality of who my Trainer was and what a fraud he was came to the light. He was sleeping with some of his clients and I have a laundry list of unethical things he, and his business partner, were doing. When I held him accountable that was the last straw for him. He was sick to death of weathering my PTSD and how fucked up and sick I was and how fucked up I was over Thomas all the goddamn time… and additionally I was calling out all the ways he was unethical: I was bad for business. I was bad for him in the fitness community.

He kept gaslighting me to try to get me to leave but that was my community for 5 years and I didn’t know what to do…….So, Matt did whats guys do: Shes crazy… and shit talked me throughout the fitness community. He kicked me out of his gym and I now have no gym to work out at and no trainers willing to work with me. Thanks Matt! Super appreciate you!

I maintained my own lifting program for another year but honestly, I was in it for the community and sense of belonging that I never had before in my life. Without that and with Matt shit talking me in the background so I had no support elsewhere my program started to slip…. Add to that, I had begun working full time in massage and my shoulder got burnt out. I have a repetitive stress injury from my Amazon days that was made worse at Tough Mudder when I got my arm yanked nearly out of its socket in an obstacle… so, Lifting started to fade… and honestly, I was burnt out on the regiment of it all. I needed a break. I deserved a huge break.

I think it was right around 2014 when Mom had me come to Houston for Thanksgiving as though we are friends or she was a Mom. The highlights of that visit include her telling me the reason I wasn’t welcome in Houston during the Recession was because her husband Rumi forbade it.

(I forgot to mention that all through the years of her being with Rumi she has painted this picture of him being physically and emotionally abusive. That she was hiding money to escape him and what a horror he is. She had some secret email account that she sent me emails from at one point and told me that she was trying to hack his email to see who he was having affairs with or some other drama….. but you know if you ask Jim2 who his best friend is, its Rumi…apparently they text all the time…so, you know…she loves to lie and paint these horrific pictures of who people are to support whatever her manipulation is to get sympathy or whatever pay off)

Anyway, While I was in Houston visiting her she was acting like everything was normal and fine and that I had just made up whatever it was that I went through during the Recession. She reminded me that since I “left home” at 18 she has had to give me something like $20k in support and implied what a burden I am and how I always have my hand out. She has kept track of the financial support she gave me as a parent and wanted me to feel like shit for needing her. Cool….

Another example of how mentally deranged she is: While I was there we went out to lunch. Mind you, I have maybe $100 to my name at that time. I offered to pay for lunch at this fast food place and after we ordered she commanded me to go pick a table. So I got a booth with a chair. I sat on the booth side so I was facing the café and could see her when she came out of the restroom… I waved her over and she sat in the chair. Unbeknownst to me, the booth side made me taller than the chair side…. She got this twisted angry look and became livid that I thought I was better than her. Paying for lunch and sitting above her like that….. The next day Mom and Rumi started playing a really fun game where they forgot my name and kept calling me “Savannah” (my niece) for the remainder of the time I was there …. You know… because at 44, they saw me as a child. Nothing like a little game of erasing your daughter’s person hood and replacing it with infantilism to let your daughter know you really see her and respect her.

I really hope this is making clear why I have a strict no contact in place with her that I will never change.

Now its 2017 and I get hired at my dream job. The Spa that I am at is beautiful. My co workers are the best. I make really fine money. My mental health is slowly coming together. I got Thomas out of my life and have enough mental clarity now to really see him for who he is. I had spent yet another holiday season alone and the isolation was killing me, as per usual…so I decided that the best thing for me to do to help pull me out of my PTSD and stop being so scared to be seen or heard would be to go to music school…. Learn how to make friends for the first time in my adult life and be with people who were not my co workers. Try to trust people again. Try to trust that I could be liked for who I am….though rejection has been a very prevalent theme in my life… Try to learn some social skills that I missed out on basically my entire life.

How to simply hang out and play….was brand fucking new to me. Music school was really really really hard… not to mention I have no musical ability and I get triggered by stress pretty quickly and freeze… but I knew it was the right thing to do to reparent the kid inside me who never learned to make friends or be in activities with others and who wanted to play drums…. So hell yeah. I did it.

Thank you to Katy,Tracy,Melissa,and Kiyan for coming out to see a couple of those shows and being there to support me. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

I thought if I could make friends there I would have people to go out with and maybe could have a chance to meet a man and have a relationship… but all the women there were married with children and had little interest in going out at night, and I still wasn’t fully integrated as a Self yet… so that was a bust.

Music school was really me making up for my 20s and 30s when I should have been out at shows and hanging with friends and making art and and dating but instead I was being mentally tortured by my entire life. I gave it a good shot, but Im a mixed media artist not a musician and that’s really that. I have to take it in stride: Bless my heart for trying. Thank you to all my bandmates for being so kind and supportive of me and for being stellar humans

I was in my first year of Music school when I met the most amazing man, Joe. He was magical. He honestly loved me for me and I loved him right back. It was fast and deep and I felt so completely seen and wanted by him and OH MY GOD I NEEDED THAT FOR SO LONG. He made incredible things happen and took me on dates that made me feel like a Queen…. But Joe was terminally ill and two months later took his own life. I was in shock again….but kept going as I do.

Also out of context of timeline: When I got into that sweet little apartment I would go down to Edge of the Circle which was just a couple blocks away and get Tarot readings from Raven and Kiyan. I didn’t know how to simply ask for friendship so I would buy Tarot readings to have someone to talk to. These two helped me so much in so many ways…through their compassion and through helping me develop my Self and my skills. Over and over again these two have shown up as real people who have treated me with integrity. People who genuinely care about me and support me in my developing personhood. Ive made it through because of them and so many others along the way.

The shitty thing about being knocked out of your self is that even though you have people around you who care, you often cant see it or feel it and like a dick minimize what people are doing for you because the all-consuming feeling that nobody is there is so much larger than the gentle loving efforts of those around you…. And what happens: you push away the people who are there for you because they have self-respect and youre unwittingly being a dick. I want to say Im really sorry about this because I know for sure Ive done this.

Also out of context of timeline: Somewhere in here I started working in Tarot and caught a lucky break and got hired at Percys to be their Reader. Huge shout out to Krista who made that so possible for me. That Tarot night did more for my sense of Self and well being than I can explain and I was a success there largely because Krista made it so beautiful and kept that night going for me.

I also want to say Thank you to Tracy, Katy, and of course Brian who were my friends and co workers at the RowHouse Café… through those early massage school years. Endless support and encouragement from these guys, even when I was too fucked up to really receive it or reflect it back. Im really lucky to have met you and have had you in my life.

It was right around the solar eclipse and the night before that hurricane hit and flooded Houston and moms house got flooded that I emailed her a long list of things she had done that hurt me and explained that I would be taking time away from her and Id let her know when we could speak again. The next morning after I sent that email I again felt puppet mastered…. But this time by the little kid inside me… I literally woke up, jumped out of bed and started to dance. I was filled with glee. I was amazed by myself. I don’t know where that came from except to say that the kid inside me was OVERJOYED to be free of her.

In the coming years I kept proving to myself that I wont let her back in and that Im safe now… and as I have been staying true to this practice of not letting her, or anyone like her, back in my life… I have become happier and more whole as a human being…. More capable of making good choices in friends and finances….

She made an attempt to contact me around the holidays this year. I saw her call but let it go to voice mail. The message she left was something to the tune of her wanting to know if I had forgiven her yet and gotten over it. …See, because its about me and what I need to do because its my damage that is the problem here…. Nothing had changed with her. It was still my fault. No apology. No self reflection. Had I forgiven her yet. For fucks sake: I will never forgive her.

I have learned to celebrate myself, take my self on vacations and to my great delight I had friends who spent time with me and took care of me!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!, give myself the compassion and nurturing that I always wished I had and reasonably should have had from my family. I have been working on being able to see the love that is there for me from the people that I have in my life, though I still struggle with that. I have been working so hard on Self Love, Self Respect, Healthy boundaries, creating safety and stability in my life in all way and I know that Im doing great work because my inner me, those little kids inside of me that needed a parent are really responding to the parenting Im giving them…. Check this out:

A month or so after I declined her call I was out at the café in my neighborhood, having a treat and a coffee and doing some writing. I was sitting at the table and this incredible feeling came over me as though a golden light was shining on me and I could see it glittering down on me. I started laughing and crying like when you cum really hard and youre filled with ecstasy and bliss. And then I had a vision of being in a hospital room that was in the forest… it was just two walls of the room and then the woods…I could see deer and birds. In the hospital bed there was a person in a full body cast. The cast had moss growing on it and tiny sprouts of pine trees. The Doctor walked in to the room to check on the patient. I was both the Doctor and the Patient. I told myself: Hey, its time to get you out of there. And I grabbed my circle saw and started to cut my cast from end to end and crack to open like a sarcophagus. I told myself Welcome Back! We are so glad you are here!!! Go slow, take your time getting up. No rush.

I was so elated. I walked home immediately. Upon arriving at my studio I had another vision of all the ages of myself, down to the youngest and up to the oldest and wisest all linking hands. I recognized these women as my Sisters/MySelf… all of us agreed that the next would watch out for the next and that nobody would ever hurt us again. SOUL RECLAMATION.

For the first time in my life I am here, in this body, in this present moment. The first time in my life I am ME. Im currently 6 months in to my actual LIFE. THIS IS ME. I AM HERE. OH MY GOD. I MADE IT.

Yes now, of course, the world is ending and my career in massage is tenuous at best and I might be fucked again…. But so not worried because honestly, Ive survived worse with less. So I will figure this out and keep myself alive, housed and fed.

Over the years my attempts to talk it out with Mom were pointless… she would erase my feelings and angrily tell me that it was hard on all of us. She would hold no space for me and just be my mom and have some compassion for her baby girl. Nope: It was hard on all of us so stop complaining… but see, I was a child and they were my parents and that was my family and I had no choice…. So really, at this point, Im done. Im better off on my own.

I don’t know what else to say other than those yearly years were tremendously bad for everyone in my family, yes. I can now at this time in my life see and understand why everyone did what they did…. That my parents were also victims of abuse from their parents and all that and yeah, I have compassion and Im really sorry they had to go through that….But it doesn’t make it ok or make mom someone I will let back in my life. I mean, I went through it and Ive dedicated my lifes work to helping others heal and I try to be so good to everyone around me so…. No excuses. And, I still have questions like: Fuck, why did dad never go to jail? Im guessing it was about the money…..and really, how did nobody in my family see that I needed help?

Anyway… Ive done epic amount of self work to be here today as a whole person and really change my reality to one where I have value and can share love. Im still working on it… My social anxiety is still the worst. I can barely form words into sentences when Im out in public and I dont have a job to do as my role to play....but you know, I keep trying and its easier and keeps getting easier… and I have amazing friends like Brad to have mini adventures with… and I have my Studio to do my art in and now that Im feeling so much more whole as a person I think I might actually see some work through to completion that I can be proud of… and I have a job that I love and Im getting training for some other skills to expand my skillset and I feel that things can only get better from here so

I feel so lucky to be alive and so fucking grateful to be me and I really like myself. It’s a miracle. All things are possible if you just remember: LOVE IS THE KEY and keep moving in that direction.

That’s my experience and now you know.

2 notes · View notes