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plutonianeris · 3 months

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❝mars in the 6th house❞

This is how mars in the 6th house has manifested for me.

With my 6th house mars placement I tend to make my daily activities into games or challenges. In my head I’m always like okay let’s see how long it takes me to do xyz. It makes me feel accomplished to get stuff down.

The downside to all of that is the stress I put on my body. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop and I keep pushing through until I feel burned out. Over the years I have gotten better and reminding myself to slow down and be more mindful throughout out the day.

I have always had very high paced busy jobs. The couple times where I had a more low stakes, relaxed job I would start off thinking I was going to enjoy it and then I would hate it. It would just make the day drag on so long. I like feeling challenged and when I am busy the day goes by faster. When I was around 15 I got my first job at a restaurant and it would get extremely busy and chaotic as fuck and honestly I loved it. The dining room would get so full, people were chattering all the time and we would all be in the back running around like chickens with their heads cut off, bumping into each other. Some of my coworkers would get frustrated which is fair but honestly it felt like a game to me. I worked there until I was 19. I have a higher paying, more “professional” job now but to this day that was the most fun job I’ve had.

I have worked at many different places, but the posts that state mars in the 6th house will give you coworkers being jealous and trying to start shit are 100% right. In every job I have had there were coworkers that saw me as threat or would try to start shit with me. I once worked at a hospital when I was in college and the girls working with me (Who were 2-3 years actually older than me) were so hateful and weird. They would constantly be looking at me, gossiping (or straight up trying to argue) and one time one of them lied to the supervisor saying I was slacking off when I wasn’t (literally trying to sabotage my job).

A male coworker there at the time told me they were just hating. I do believe that they were because they were being weird and messy but I also think he was trying to flirt with me..

The rumors are true about your coworkers crushing on you with this placement. And vice versa for me as well at times. It has gone from flirting with coworkers to me actually sleeping with a coworker once. However those times it was never anything serious, more like in the moment things. 6th house placements really know what it means to have a work husband/ wife lol.

another thing about jobs, when people try to start shit it use to get me riled up and I would let people get under my skin (when I was younger). NOW, I laugh and even though it still makes me annoyed, it makes me feel even more motivated to be the best at what I am doing.

I am also quick to leave a job once it has run its course. I am not that emotional when it comes to leaving and starting over somewhere else.

I lose weight very fast. I don’t mean in the sense that I have high metabolism. I mean that if gain weight and I decide I want to lose it, I do simple workouts and in a relatively short time its gone. Its not an unhealthy or harmful way. It makes sense considering mars is action and speed and the 6th house is daily routines and my body and health. Honestly if you have this placement and you are stressing over meal plans or planning specific workouts, just do simple ones and walk more and it wont be as hard as you thought.

I do have a high libido, especially when I am in a relationship. Having a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship is important to me.

I don’t get sick very often and when I do, I fight it off in 1-3 days.

I can be very impulsive in my daily and routines, sometimes harshly. Like I might brush my hair very roughly without realizing or apply lotion onto my skin in a heedless manner. That is something that I did not like and I try to remind myself to treat my body with gentle hands.

My impulsive behavior was worse when I was kid. For example, if I could not get a necklace off of me or bracelet, it would make me so angry and kind of panicked, I would rip it off even if it meant it might break I didn’t care. Me doing what I wanted and feeling free mattered more than whatever I was wearing. This was however another thing I tried to improve on.

Growing up, in my daily routines people use to be mad aggressive towards me as well. Don’t get me wrong, I knew when I was annoying or pushing someones buttons, but the random spurts of anger at me would be very unwarranted.

I feel like at times I can be very guarded as well or tense. When I am angry, I feel it first in my chest and then my stomach will hurt. I don’t like getting worked up because although I can emotionally regulate, it still takes my body a while to calm down. When I was a teenager it would take a long ass time of me practically seething or cursing. Now after a couple deep breaths I’m good.

Mars is aggressive and the 6th house is my health and body and I have definitely taken my anger out on myself as well. My home life had always been very chaotic as a kid and I started self harming at 12 years old and then I stopped when I was around 17 years old.

On a more positive note, I love taking care of my body now. I would never treat it like my enemy or be so careless with myself like I use to. I like working out. I like feeling strong. And also theres a bonus of feeling hot as fuck when I am naked. When Megan thee stallion said, “ When I'm in the gym I think about bitches that I'm shitting on,” I really felt that 💋🔥

#astrology #mars in the 6th house #6th house #mars #personal astrology observation #astrology observations #astro observations #fire mars #mars in astrology #random astro #mars in capricorn #mars in virgo #mars in sagittarius #mars in aquarius

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coochiequeens · 1 year

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As your bones lose density, the only way you will protect them is by keeping your muscle mass; building strength in middle age is part of what will define the shape and tempo of your old age. “

When 50-year-old Anna Jenkins, the founder of We Are Fit Attitude (Wafa), a woman-only health and fitness club, looked online for images of older women exercising, she was irritated by the pitiful size of the weights: the stock image is of a woman with grey hair lifting a 1kg weight, as if doing so were some kind of milestone. My personal bugbears are the photos in which there is a personal trainer with an expression of infinite patience next to the older woman, as if the latter is weak and half witted.

Stock photos are the internet’s idea of what the world should look like, sets of generic images intended to illustrate articles and advertising, often revealing more worldview than they probably set out to. There are famously a lot of photos of white women laughing near salad, meant for healthy eating content, but also reinforcing inane cheer and self-denial as cornerstones of femininity. If fitness imagery of the young is all about aspiration – six packs, muscle definition and impossible body fat percentages – fitness imagery of older people is almost anti-aspirational. Its message is: “You probably can’t do anything at all, but look over here, there’s a lady managing this tiny thing.”

Jenkins runs the Wafa classes remotely and in person for women ranging from their late 30s to their mid-70s. One Saturday, at a class in Merton, south London, they decided to create a new set of photos, repopulate the ecosystem of stock photographs, so that when you search for “older women exercising”, you will be able to see what that really looks like. “These are proper weights,” says Annette Hinds, 60. “We’re not pussyfooting about.”

Jenkins went into group work and coaching from personal training because she had noticed that, in the gym: “Women would go straight to the cardio machine because they knew how it worked. It’s a frightening environment when you think you don’t belong, when you’re unhappy in your body shape. But they didn’t need more cardio – at 45-plus your body needs strength work. Especially during the menopause. It’s just a fact.”

As your bones lose density, the only way you will protect them is by keeping your muscle mass; building strength in middle age is part of what will define the shape and tempo of your old age. But as Glenda Cooper, 51, who usually does this class remotely five times a week, says, there is more to it than that. “Women at this time of life have parents we’re caring for. I’ve got two kids. You don’t want to take up too much space, you feel invisible anyway, you don’t make time for yourself. It’s so important to have a sense of your own strength, which I think is absent from the rest of our lives.”

The atmosphere is fierce: as Lorraine Turner, 59, says: “I never used to think I was competitive, but later in life, I’ve realised that I am. I get a lot out of it if I push myself more.” Karen Silvestri, 60, remarks archly: “My husband’s a chef so I eat a lot and drink a lot. I still manage to retain this normal shape.”

Palmer’s daughter paid her a compliment on her butt the other day: “She said it wasn’t flat like a lot of women my age.” Downward comparison is very motivating, and it is also fun to watch when people are so unabashed about it.

“We’re a funny bunch, women, aren’t we?” Teresa Klasener, 61, says. She was very active until she got rheumatoid arthritis, then it all hit the skids until she started with Wafa two years ago. “We have all these mental blocks, we don’t prioritise ourselves, but once we’re in a group, we’ll fly.”

Jenkins says: “When I first became a personal trainer, I’d see a lot of women who were yo-yo dieters, and it was often because they were trying to be skinnier than their bodies were meant to be. I think exercise makes you confident in your shape as it is.” That might be the ultimate break with the visual norms of the fitness industry, that these are images of strength and exertion for their own sake, not for how they’ll make you look in spaghetti straps.

“I never knew what people were talking about with the endorphin thing,” Redford says. “And now, I do feel a sense of joy and self-congratulation, knowing that I just fucking went for it.”

#We Are Fit Attitude (WAFA)#Stock images or women #Women and fitness #Women and strength training #Women and aging

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y-vna · 4 months

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Just so it's clear, one of my big dni crits is this:

TW: My rant includes HEAVY topics of ed (eating disorders) and intentionally starving yourself/unhealthy weight loss 🙁.

This post is also ULTRA long, will definitely contain grammar and spelling mistakes, and I'm not going to say 100% everything here is accurate information, as I'm a human and I make mistakes too.

Let me get this clear, I dont mean anyone harm with this post. My intention isn't to hate or attack/hurt anyone to make them feel upset. I know that having an ed is a serious matter. I have friends and family who actively have/had these kinds of eds, so im not uneducated on this subject and I do understand it to a very in-depth degree. This is not to say I know everything about this topic, however.

It is definitely not easy to recover from, and lots of people struggle from it every day. I am NOT saying people with this disorder are any less human than anyone else. I'm saying it's toxic for those who do have it since it actually harms your body a lot, and pushing it on others (not the fact you have it in the first place) is something I don't support.

So respectfully, if you do support/promote eds as a positive thing, or are/follow/interact with blogs who do, BLOCK ME AND DNI. thank you.

I love everyone for who they are inside, regardless of what their body looks like. And I'm telling you right now, as someone who tried so hard to have a perfect body and stop eating bc im super insecure, it's not worth it, and it makes you feel so shitty. I love you, whoever is reading this, no matter what. So please don't change who you are just to make others happy :( <3

So I was looking thru tumblr, and this one post kept getting shown to me where people were talking about basically the idea of: "its worth it to keep losing that undesired weight, you'll see results soon" as like a motivational thing. The tags (straight up tells you it's supposed to be inspo to becoming skinny and supports the idea having an ed is the only way to get a dream bod), and their whole blog had ed encouragement/motivation. To keep...starving, i guess.?? Despite their user being about being strong and healthy, nothing about this is healthy or keeps your body strong.

I didn't decide to write a whole rant about just that part of the post because I didn't start getting super concerned until i read the notes/comments (since i had seen a lot of these 'tw : ed' blogs before already). What I saw was that tons of users were promoting starving yourself as a goal and a good thing, and basically glorifying having an ed. And also using kpop idols with skinny and perfect figures like wonyoung to tell others that (almost a literal direct quote from this user-) 'us ed people don't want to be helped and we won't stop starving ourselves until we reach the weight we want.'

"You see it as negativity cause you're not disordered." KEEP IN MIND THE PERSON THEY'RE TALKING TO USED TO ACTUALLY HAVE AN ED (the screenshot below is the person they were talking to). I understand you can't push people to get help if they don't want it, but you have to draw a line when you start saying that every person with ed doesn't want help, which just isnt true. I looked at their blog, and it was all just calculating how many calories they ate and burned every day. Most of the posts they basically only totaled 300 calories a day. THAT IS SUPER SICK ☹️. An average human needs like 2000+ calories a day. It actively influences people to copy them by posting and blogging this SUPER unhealthy weight loss. It IS NOT positive on any level. It does nothing good for you. You won't feel any happier when you look in the mirror if all you can feel is pure hunger because you won't give your body what it needs. This is so sad to me because all the comments had people trying to ask how to start starving themselves, and every blog I clicked on all had ed triggers on their posts and bios. Some of those blogs were saying NOT to become like them because they can't see themselves recovering now that they're in too deep.

As said by people online who actually had and got through having an ed, they have explained it is very unhealthy and they were glad to recover. So even though I do not have an ed, and you might think I shouldn't be "judging" people who have them, there are plenty of formerly ed diagnosed people who know the bad effect it has on others/had on them because they can accurately relate. You can still educate people on a subject even if you yourself do not have to suffer from it/have it, as long as you're doing it properly with proven facts (literally all credible research you do anywhere backed by science and experts will prove eds aren't healthy). People educate themselves to teach others about other illnesses, ongoing or past wars in history, etc, they don't have firsthand experience with/from. And they can still be just as valid sometimes.

My whole point here is that on tumblr and so many other social media platforms, I keep seeing people (posts like this and whole blogs centered around this stuff,) encouraging (mainly young) girls to stop eating altogether to have a body that society and other people are more satisfied with. That's why, for a while, I also tried to do the same because of the people saying it was a positive thing to gain a bad relationship with food and start counting your calories to be perfect. I'm also someone who struggles with body image and being shamed for gaining weight. But at some point hou need to realize hurting your body and mental state is SO WRONG. NOBODY is perfect. So don't push you or anyone else to be. I learned this, and I get its super hard to ignore the judgment forced onto you by society and your surroundings, but there will be people who appreciate you just how you are now. Like me.

So with all that said, the moral here is:

Don't starve urself (on purpose. Bc some people genuinely have trouble eating and starve themselves non intentionally. I have friends who do this 😭)

You're perfect how u are now without being as slim as your idols (and even K-pop idols don't tell others usually to be like them because they know that their companies forcing them to strictly control their weight isn't something they want fans to look up to).

Don't force (potential) ed on others

Don't encourage unhealthy relationship with your body and food

I do support people with eds, as long as they aren't trying to make it something others should look up to, and aspire to have.

If you are someone who wants to normalize having an ed as healthy or positive, please do not interact with this blog and feel free to block me :(

Thank you for reading, have a good day and ily for whoever is reading this. 💗💖💓💕

#major tw : ed #ed awareness #stop normalizing this kind of stuff #coming from someone who struggles with body image #dni criteria #you're perfect the way you are <33 #body posititivity #educate yourself #educate yourselves #get educated #stop making blogs prommoting ed

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femmefatalevibe · 2 years

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Femme Fatale Guide: How To Achieve Goals & Find Pleasure In The Process

It’s great to be happy and all in the process of reaching a goal. However, especially when it gets tough, I think it’s easier and more practical to reframe this idea and ask yourself: How can I make the process of reaching this goal more enjoyable? How can I lower my emotional resistance when taking action towards the goal?

HOW TO ENJOY THE PROCESS & ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS:

Like motivation, happiness is a fleeting feeling that can come and go over time. So, if you attach the idea of being happy to the actions necessary to work towards achieving a goal, you’re likely going to experience cognitive dissonance at times and, especially with a long-term goal, you can emotionally burn out with this mentality.

Seek ways to put your mind at ease and discourage mental resistance allows you to be more mindful and strategic about staying in a positive, focused state throughout the process of achieving the goal. It gives you the power to create habits, systems, and behavior changes that ease any overwhelm – instead of tying your outcome tied (and making it a slave to) your emotions.

Attach the feeling of your achievement to every action you’re taking towards reaching this goal: When first setting a goal, figure out your “Why” or purpose for wanting to achieve this goal. Whether your goal is to get a certain grade, live a healthier lifestyle, lose weight, be more productive, exercise, wake up earlier, etc., you need to be honest with yourself about the reason you want to achieve this outcome. Once you clarify the purpose behind your goal, focus on the feeling that the idea of achieving this goal brings. Internalize this feeling, and keep it at the forefront of your mind. Before starting any task related to this specific goal (i.e. hearing your alarm clock, putting on your running shoes, sitting down at your desk ready to read a textbook or type on your laptop), prime your mind and indulge in all of the emotions you’ve attached to the outcome of this goal. It works like the law of assumption – you’re motivating and pre-conditioning your mind into action based on these positive feelings. Your actions become innately rewarding.

Find and focus on the fulfilling aspect of the process: A practical way to make the process of attaining a goal more enjoyable is to focus on the aspects of the task at hand that you enjoy or find fulfilling in some way. Think to yourself: What small wins or sense of accomplishment can I get from this one small task or action, even if it won't satisfy my end goal in one day/focus session? In the case of a work or school project, are you expanding your mind with new knowledge, gaining a new skill, having any interesting conversations, or learning about an interesting/ useful topic? Does working out or eating healthier give you more energy now and for the rest of the day? Does waking up earlier ease your anxiety about running out of time in the morning? Focus on the positive to push through the resistance so you can take one step at a time. Engage fully with the task in front of you. Put one foot in front of the other until you complete this isolated productivity session. Make every step more enjoyable to ease the resistance!

Pair productivity with an enjoyable activity: Especially on days where you’re tired, hungover, or just unmotivated for any reason, give yourself a positive incentive to complete a certain task. This method is called habit stacking. It involves stacking an activity you already do with another action to intertwine these two behaviors in your mind. In this case, you’re creating an association between a healthy indulgence and an undesirable or resistance-heavy task or action. Here are some pleasure habits to consider stacking with your goal-oriented tasks:

Can you listen to an upbeat playlist that gets you in the zone?

Is there an outfit that you can wear to feel your most confident?

Can you make your favorite coffee, tea, or beverage to enjoy while studying/working?

Is there a lunch or dinner option you can look forward to after completing the task?

Use healthy bribery to push through the process when necessary. Ritualize pairing a particular pleasurable habit alongside each task or action you need to consistently take to reach your goal. Over time, your mind will link this chosen indulgence with your necessary activity, so you can use it as a cue to focus and stay disciplined every time you engage with this aspect of the process.

Keep records of your progress: Use data as your inspiration to keep going until you reach your goal. This visual representation of your progress allows you to see how the process positively impacts your daily life and should serve as motivation to keep going until you achieve your goal. Track your progress (tasks completed, word count written, step count, inches or pounds lost, money earned, workouts completed, pages read, mornings you didn’t press the snooze alarm, etc.). Look at these data points once every week or two to see how far you’ve come or any small positive changes since you started working toward your goal. This quantitive information leaves you no room for negative biases or interpretation, so it’s simpler to use it as practical motivation than something more qualitative. Seeing that you’re objectively getting closer to your goal makes it feel more attainable and allows you to enjoy the process of personal growth. Only compare current yourself to your past self. As you make progress, the process becomes more enjoyable when you see that your consistent efforts are enabling the achievement of your goal to become more statically realistic.

Celebrate the small wins: Every small step or action taken toward your goal deserves praise. Create certain small milestones (ex: a certain number of days you want to consistently workout, cook dinner, read 10 pages of a book, or achieve a specific word count, PowerPoint slides created, textbook chapters read, etc.) and decide on rewards you promise to give yourself after achieving these smaller milestones. We all need treats to look forward to in order to stay motivated in the long term. Remember: Strategic indulgence supports, not hinders, disciplined action.

When you want to quit, consider its implications: When you need an extra push of motivation to start, focus, or persist toward achieving a goal, use reverse psychology to your advantage to push through the process. Each time you intend to set and achieve a goal, you have two options: remain the same or take considered action to level up your life. Consider what would happen if you decided not to pursue or continue working toward this goal. Indulge in all the ways this would hinder your aspirations, relationships, sense of self-respect, and identity. Ruminate on this negativity to reset your motivation and the true purpose of why you’ve made this goal is a non-negotiable in your life. This exercise – make it a journey prompt or write out pros and cons lists on whether to continue pursuing the goal - is savage, but it can help you gain clarity as to whether this goal is of true importance and how it will influence your life. If you find that the goal is worth achieving, getting into this way of thinking can help you reframe how you perceive the goal’s purpose in your life and even help you strategize more tactics to help you achieve it or other tangential goals, relationships, or habits you want to pursue to maximize this specific, desired outcome.

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honeysuckle-venom · 3 months

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So. I actually started a lot of lifestyle changes about a month ago, shortly after getting my MRI results and checking in with my therapist a bit. I felt 95% sure the hepatologist would tell me I needed to lose weight, and I knew that if I hadn't started at least a little bit on that path before seeing her I would be even more triggered by being told that. Once I did, unsurprisingly, get told that on Monday I further cemented some of those changes and got a bit stricter about certain things, but in general this has been in the works for a little over a month.

I'm basically dieting, I guess, except I'm trying to be healthy about it and make "lifestyle changes" instead of like going on paleo or whatever. The thing is, I don't believe in dieting. I detest diet culture, I hate moralizing about food and fatphobia and all of that bullshit. I love the anti-diet and fat liberation movements, and while I never fully recovered from my eating disorder, that lense helped me more than any other form of treatment ever has. I am, generally speaking, morally opposed to a lot of what I'm doing right now. But I also need to do it, because I don't want to risk tumor growth and complications or surgery. And I know going into it with this specific motivation and attitude is different than just deciding to diet because I think I need to be skinny to be pretty or whatever, that I'm doing something medically necessary and not actually betraying my values, but it doesn't always feel that way, and that struggle is very hard.

I also don't know how to talk about what I'm doing without using diet culture terms and concepts at times. But I need to be able to talk about this whole experience on my blog, because it's kind of taking over my life atm. So I will do my best to warn for things and I will ALWAYS at the very least use the tag "weight loss cw" on all posts related to this, because I don't want to be irresponsible or trigger people, but I also need to be able to talk about my life.

So. Below this is where I really start talking about what I'm doing and how it feels. Warning for some diet culture language, discussion of restricting certain foods, exercise, food journaling, nutritionists, intentional weight loss, and other related topics. No numbers, but this is potentially more triggering than posts related to my food issues have been in the past because I do discuss specific behaviors.

So. For the past month I've been attempting to lose weight. The current strategies I've employed include: exercising every day, keeping track of what I eat in a food journal, and cutting out a lot of "unhealthy" foods. I hate even saying that, I believe that all foods have a place in a healthy diet (and also that health isn't a moral obligation but that's a separate though related issue). But! I am doing a specific thing and don't have better language to talk about it! Saying "less nutritionally dense foods" just sounds stupid so, whatever. "Unhealthy" or "less healthy" it is for now. The biggest change is I'm not eating refined carbs 90% of the time. There's room for a little bit of them but not much. I'm trying to get a lot of protein, fiber, and healthy fats. Lots of vegetables and legumes and whole grains and whatnot. The good news for me is that I actually already really like a lot of those foods. Lentils are one of my favorite foods of all time, I like all beans, I like most vegetables, I like farro and brown rice, I like carrots and hummus, I like all fruits except grapefruits, etc. I enjoy the foods I do get to eat. So that's nice. But even though I ate all of those things before, these days it's all I eat pretty much. I used to also eat potato chips and m&m's and things like that. But I got rid of all of that stuff and haven't had it in over a month.

I'm also exercising every day. So far it's been primarily on my exercise bike that I have at home, because it has a desk attached and I can distract myself on my computer while I bike, because I HATE exercise. I just hate it. I hate being gross and sweaty and feeling like my heart's pounding and I can't breathe, but that's the fucking point lol. My muscles hurt and sweat drips down my face and it's just miserable. But as of today my dad and I have joined the local community center, which has a pool. Swimming is the one form of exercise I like. You don't feel how sweaty you are because you're in the water, your joints don't hurt, you can pretend to be a mermaid. It's so much better. So that's really good news. Hopefully I'll swim a few times a week and use the bike on the other days, and that will make everything more pleasant and also use more muscles than just my legs on the bike.

The thing is, it's actually not that hard to eat this way? My brain is obsessed with food rules, and has been since I was literally in preschool. I have always had various rules around food. Adjusting those rules to be more permissive is incredibly difficult, but adjusting them to be stricter? Not hard. I'm not tempted to "fall off the wagon" or whatever, because those foods have entered a space in my brain called "forbidden" and so I can't even imagine eating them without an alarm blaring in my head. And that's dangerous. The thing that is hard about what I'm doing is I know I'm in relapse zone, but I don't know how to not fucking be there when I'm trying to lose weight. I'm spending hours and hours each day obsessing about food and exercise, planning what to eat next, researching nutrition information and vegan recipes, etc etc etc. It sucks. I get trapped in these awful spirals and it's just all-encompassing. I've managed to avoid the worst behaviors: I haven't looked up fitspo even though I've had strong urges to do so, I mostly manage to avoid counting calories, and I don't let myself look at the scale. My therapist takes my weight once a week but I don't look. I'm trying to keep things on the healthier side, to not just full on relapse. But it's really, really fucking difficult to do both at the same time. I don't know how to find the balance yet.

The good news is that I found a nutritionist who I think shares a lot of my values and is willing to support me with weight loss, which I was worried wouldn't be possible. Bc all the anti-diet folks don't do weight loss at all, and all the weight loss people are...evil? Yeah, evil. But I really feel the need for professional support, even more than just my therapist, and so I didn't know what to do. But I think I found someone. I haven't met with her yet, but I've gotten in touch and hopefully we'll find a time for next week and I'll be able to update with how she is. Because this is really hard, and trying to balance the physical and mental without falling off a cliff is proving impossible without a lot of help. I have good help from my therapist, but if I could have some additional support it would be a good thing. So fingers crossed for that.

#my post #text post #weight loss cw

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fitforestfairy · 1 month

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Weekly Weight (and Fitness)Update ✍🏼

And Reflecting on My Reasons

It’s Weigh-in Friday and time for my Weekly Weight Update!

I maintained my weight this week. I had several days of over-indulgence and that’s totally fine, as long as it doesn’t become a constant variable while I’m trying to lose weight.

I did really well in my Pilates class, and I’m very pleased with that!

As for Yoga, I still find it more challenging than I’d like to admit, considering that this is the third year I take part in this challenge and it used to be relatively easy for me.

My reasons to lose weight and gain flexibility, strength and endurance:

Doing my Yoga poses and flows more comfortably and fluidly and being able to do more challenging poses again. Even though you can’t target weight loss, I know that an overall weight loss will result in a loss of visceral fat, and that’s one of the things that I need the most.

It may be different for other people, but I do feel more uncomfortable doing certain yoga poses with more abdominal fat as opposed to when my stomach was flatter and fitter. My current weight does impact my practice negatively.

I can’t wait to go for long summer walks in nature with my boyfriend (and sometimes the doggie and my bf’s mum!). I want to be able to enjoy nature and good company without being out of breath and miserable all the time.

Visceral fat is also metabolically active and it can have averse effects in one’s health.

The other reasons that I’m not afraid to admit to anymore, is that I simply feel way more comfortable and confident in my body when I’m fitter. I feel like I can do so much more fitness wise, I like how my clothes fit more and I think I deserve to be in a body that is healthy and in which I feel comfortable.

So wearing a nice dress for my birthday next summer and a lovely red form-fitting dress for next Christmas are certainly things that motivate me a great deal to keep moving in the right direction in my weight loss and fitness journey.

Final Weekly Thoughts

Overall, looking back at the past week and reflecting on my reasons definitely help me to keep on making the choices that I know get me closer to my goals every day. Even if I’m not “perfect” every day.

#fitforestfairy #fairy talks #weekly weigh in #weekly weight update #fitness update #maintained weight #reasons to lose weight #yoga lover #fitness talk #fitness journey #weight loss journey #fitblr

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hotspringfairy · 1 year

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@miles-for-mickey

I'm answering your question on my previous post here since I have a lot to say lol

I highly suggest watching Half of Carla's video called How I Handled "The Middle" of Weightloss- Getting Through the Toughest Part. I'll try to link it, but idk if it'll work: https://youtu.be/m2_oNHFPiU8

Losing motivation half way through weightloss is apparently common. I don't remember if she mentioned it in this video, but I really relate to her talking about feeling so much better after losing half the weight and experiencing so many positive changes that you can lose sight of how much better you could feel. I've always been big so I just don't know how bad it makes me feel since it's my normal.

Like her, I had to buy a bunch of new clothes after losing so much weight, and they fit me really well and I like them. I sleep better, walking is easier, I don't worry about fitting in chairs, people are nicer- I could go on and on (and have in previous posts lol). I'm just not as uncomfortable as I was when I was morbidly obese 50 pounds ago. That discomfort was motivating.

The biggest thing for me, which Carla also talks about, has been working through my childhood trauma and learning about emotional dysregulation and how to re-regulate. It's not something I thought I needed to work on, but I was wrong.

ACEs- Adverse Childhood Experiences- a list of 10 items- helped me see that I've been through things that still affect me. I had to get past telling myself (and hearing from others) that things weren't "that bad" and that I should just get over it. I also had to learn to trust my memories, even fuzzy ones, because those things happened and I do remember them. I have all 10 ACEs and it's been a lot to face and work through, but that's what I've been doing for the past 3 years or so.

I ordered the book Homecoming by John Bradshaw from Amazon and have worked through all the exercises and meditations- it has been immensely helpful.

I've also found good information on YouTube. Doc Snipes and Crappy Childhood Fairy both have great videos on emotional dysregulation. Patrick Teahan LICSW has helpful videos about dysfunctional family systems.

I've learned that I use food, among other reasons, to numb out. It's been important for me to address the things I'm numbing out from. I honestly didn't know that's what I've been doing. I'm getting better at self-care and at self-soothing in ways that aren't harmful to me like over-eating is. Learning to regulate my emotions has been key- I didn't know I was experiencing emotional dysregulation because that's how I've always been. I can't express how much better I feel now.

I used to think I just really liked food and needed to find the right diet and have the willpower to stick to it. And a big part of my journey has been learning about nutrition, calories, portion sizes and fixing eating habits such as cleaning my plate or saving my "best bite" for last. But for people like me who have been big thier whole lives and have a lot of weight to lose, there's probably more than just eating habits going on.

Of course, I'm still finding my way forward and learning. But I finally feel like I have control over my weekend binge outs. With those under control, I can manage my weekly calorie intake and make use of everything else I've learned and have been practicing about healthy eating and weightloss, and I just know the weight is going to keep coming off at this point. It's going to be hard work, but it feels like the struggle is over. Time will tell though.

I hope we both make it through the 2nd half of our journeys! 💖

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anonymousj3ster · 3 months

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Chapter 5- Key Motivators

I walk down the hall, an ache in my right leg- or rather, the orange stick that curled at the 'foot'. Even when Caine was still around, it would bother me a little, but now that everyone was starting to feel a bit more alive- hungry, thirsty, tired- the aches had gotten worse and more frequent. It was longer than my other leg, forcing me to have to swing it forward instead of just being able to take a step, and having it thud onto the ground sent soft shoots of pain up it. I grumble under my breath as I walk. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. Step. Swing.

"All right, my little superstars!" Caine's obnoxious voice booms cheerfully. I turned away from Gangle, getting up to leave. I had only joined this freakshow a month ago, and was already dangerously close to punching the ringmaster in the face. The only bearable part of this place was Ragatha's kindness, and Gangle's company, but even they got on my nerves every so often. I sigh and stand up. Well, that and the fact that I was the only person in the circus who could change their appearance. Caine had given me a box full of parts, which I normally tried to switch up everyday. Today I had gone with a tentacle arm and a crab claw, an antler on my head, and two mismatched colored legs: one blue, one green, though they were both normal legs.

As Caine droned on about days torment adventure, I walk off, determined to not be dragged into whatever misery fun he had planned for today.

"Zooble, my colorful cluster of parts!" Caine calls suddenly. I freeze, reluctantly turning to face him. The pair of teeth floats closer to me, until his eyes were only a few inches from mine.

"I notice you haven't been participating lately in the adventures!" He begins. Of course I haven't. It always ended in someone getting hurt, or lost, or scared. Jax would try to steal one of my parts, or I would somehow lose one. Then at the end Caine would finally let us do whatever we wanted, thinking we had all had fun while really we had all been pushed to our breaking points. Again. And again. And again.

"As you know, these fun little exploits help keep you sane, so it's very important you take part in them to keep your mind healthy and stimulated!" He rambles. "Which is why today, I've decided to motivate you a bit more!" I eye him suspiciously. What did he mean...?

He snapped his fingers, and suddenly as the cool parts I had picked to wear this morning were gone, replaced with white, heavy, unwieldy limbs that were hard to move. He zooms away from me up the the stage, where he hovers.

"Which is why todays adventure is...." He snapped his fingers again, making large letters appear. "Find the Pieces! Your pal Zooble's pieces have been scattered around the circus, and you have to find each one! Whoever finds the most will win!" I stare at him for a moment, shock slowly fading away and turning to rage. Jax bursts out laughing.

"Oh, this will be fun." The rabbit sneers, already running off. I try to chase after him, but my new limbs felt like 50-pound weights had been strapped to them. Ragatha walks over, a sympathetic look on her face.

"Do you need help?" She asks softly. I reluctantly nod. "Yeah...maybe if I..." I cringe inwardly at my next words. "Lean on you it might help?" The doll smiles and moves to my side, patting my arm awkwardly as I slowly shift a bit of my weight onto her. I hated needing people. I hated needing to have people help me. I hated feeling useless.

Kinger stares at us for a moment before slowly wandering off. I watch him with a bit of concern. It had only been a few weeks since Queenie abstracted, and he had been acting...strange. Wandering about, blurting out random nonsense. Not acting how he used to. Though now that I thought about it...I couldn't quite remember what Kinger used to be like.

I snap myself out of my thoughts as I see a tragedy-masked coil of ribbon make her way over to me and Ragatha.

"W-we should probably start looking for your p-parts Zooble." She suggests softly. I nod and take a slow step forward, leaning heavily on Ragatha. "Sorry." I mumble.

"It's fine Zooble! I don't mind helping you!" The ragdoll chirps cheerfully. I roll my eyes a little and take step after step, Gangle trailing after us.

We make slow progress. It seemed like every 10 minutes I needed to rest, to stop moving these useless rubber limbs, to try and ease the aches forming in them. Finally after what seemed like hours we find some arms, an antennae, and a leg- or, at least what I guessed was a leg. It was more like an...orange spiraly thing, but I switch one of the heavy legs Caine had given me with it anyways, thinking anything would be better than that.

I was wrong. I could barely balance on it, having to lean on the bright doll even more. We find a few more parts, until finally-

"Maybe we should split up? We can find more of your parts then!" Ragatha blurts, breaking the hours-long silence. Seems like hours of having to help the cripple were finally getting to her. "You can stay continue with Gangle, and I'll maybe go check some of the places we missed, ok?"

I nod, glaring at the ground as she gives me a sympathetic smile. "Great! We'll get your parts back in no time Zooble!" She chirps, before scurrying off. I stay sitting for a moment, before turning to Gangle.

"You think your able to help me walk?" I ask. She nods, quickly rushing to my side. I slowly stand, wobbling a little and gently leaning the slightest bit on Gangle. There was no way the poor girl would be able to hold me up the way Ragatha had. I focus on swinging the orange leg in front of me as I walk, only to fall flat on my face.

"Zooble! Are you al-" Gangle gasps, but I quickly manage to stand, brushing off her concern. "I'm fine." I grumble, starting to walk again. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. Fall. Get back up. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. Fall again. Get back up again.

We continue the 'adventure' in silence, but it wasn't awkward. It was quite comfortable actually, not like the strained, awkward one with Ragatha. Because when Gangle looked at me, there wasn't any pity. There was concern, yes, but not an 'Oh, poor you!' kind, or a 'Do you need my help?' kind, or even a 'Are you sure your ok?' type. It was more of a 'I'm here' look. An 'I get it' look. It almost seemed like she was trying to say 'I get you'. But I knew I must be imagining it. After all, how could two black blotches and a slash convey those looks?

Just as I was about to break the silence-

We were back in the main part of the circus, in front of the stage.

"Well, my little superstars, it seems like our friend Jax has won the game!" Caine booms, hovering above everyone else, who had also been teleported here by the obnoxious pair of teeth. I glare at Jax, who was smirking and surrounded by a pile of my parts. "And, as per usual game rules, our purple pal gets to pick a prize!" He continues.

"Caine, I already know what I want for my 'prize'." The rabbit drawls, looking straight at me. "I want..." He trails off, eyes dropping to my useless 'leg' as I shift it, trying to keep my balance. His dickish smirk becomes wider.

"I want Zooble to have to wear that orange...thing...forever. For them to never be able to switch it out for one of their old ones." He says slowly. Caine frowns for a moment. "Are you sure Jax?"

"Oh, I'm sure." Jax says snidely. Caine shrugs, then snaps his fingers. "NO-" I snarl, lurching forward at the ringmaster as all of my other legs that few in piled around the other prisoners player's feet vanished. I stumble and fall flat on my face, silently fuming as I hear the purple dickhead burst into laughter.

I slowly stand up and turn to him, hands curling to fists, feeling a dark rage curl around my chest, about to punch the teeth out of his fucking grin-

I feel a soft tap on my shoulder, and my head snaps down to snarl at whoever was fucking bothering me-

A tearmarked mask gazes up at me. "It's not worth it." She whispers softly. I stare at her for a moment, before slowly relaxing, my fists loosening. No, it wasn't worth it. Jax wasn't worth it.

I nod, and walk right past the rabbit, not even sparing him a glance. I hear him call after me as I walk to my room, one hand on the wall to keep myself from toppling over.

That orange piece of plastic never came off.

"Zooble?" A soft voice calls. I flinch as it drags me out of my memories. I spin around to find the ribbon creature standing behind me, but this time she was smiling. "Are you ok?" I nod quickly, walking the last few steps to my door, ready to vanish inside for a few hours, try to sleep, the only form of escape in this place, despite what the jester claimed. Just as I put the yellow-clawed limb I had chosen to use today on the doorknob, I hesitate.

"I...wouldn't mind having some company though." I ask tentatively without turning back around to face the comedy mask. Theres a short pause, and just as I go to turn the handle, she speaks up.

"I wouldn't mind being with you." Gangle says. I nod, opening the door, but instead of slamming it in her face like I normally do with everyone, I hold it open for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I groan and blearly open my eyes, head pounding, a mild ringing in my ears. I slowly sit up, rubbing my face. I stare blankly around the blue room I was in, before it all comes flooding back to me. The carnival. Bubble. The door.

If only my memories of my real life came back to be as quickly as these ones did. I get to my feet, staring at the door. My brow furrows as I examine it. What had seemed like a normal door before now had some sort of keypad installed next to the handle. I experimentally press one of the buttons.

I jump backwards as blue panels spring up all around me, semi-transparent, each one having numbers, symbols, and letters. I stare uncomprehendingly at them, before a word hovering high above the panels catches my attention. ENTER PASSWORD.

I frown, before stupidly punching in the first thing that came to mind- password.

PASSWORD INCORRECT.

I sigh, turning around to walk around the panels since they were blocking me from getting a better look at the door-

But they surrounded my on all sides. I panic, stumbling backwards into the other panels. I duck down, trying to go beneath them. But they moved to block me.

I feel my breathing ramp up, feeling like a python had curled around my chest, strangling me as my panic rises. No. No. Nononononono. Not again. Not more. I was already trapped in this place to begin with. I can't be trapped even more. I had to leave-get out-escape-

My eyes snag on a word near the bottom right of the nearest panel. Exit.

I hear a delirious laugh bubble up from me as I stare at the button. No. No way. Of course it wasn't- it couldn't possible be- it was a way to get out of the panels not out of-

But yet. But yet but yet but yet. Dumb hope swells in my heart as I practically punch that word-

And the panels vanish. Just the panels. Not the room. Not the carnival. Not the circus. Just the panels. Just as I knew they would. But I still feel something curl up and die in my heart. I giggle, slowly backing away from the door, tugging on the ends of my fool hat, stumbling and twisting to face away from that door, away from where the red herring had led me, away from all of it, back to my little hell. I'm still giggling as I enter the circus tent, retreating to my room.

The fool couldn't hear the rumbling beneath her feet over her laughter.

#tadc #pomni #the amazing digital circus #fanfic

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angeljpg · 1 year

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do you have any tips on how to stick to your diet and workout routine? i tend to only eat healthy and exercise for two week intervals i cannot seem to break this cycle and its so annoying i yo yo diet

there are common mistakes most people do that make dieting hard. you want to make sure you’re doing the basics:

calculate your maintenance calories and then subtract 500, this is your daily allowance.

eat protein with EVERY MEAL (at least 20g per meal) and eat lots of high volume foods (non-starchy veggies & fruits).

eat smaller meals and spread them throughout the day (i prefer to eat 5x a day when dieting).

make sure you are not feeling too restricted. if you feel like you are only eating bland foods then you need to find low calorie alternatives that taste good.

drink 2.5L of water a day.

get 7-8 hours of quality sleep each night.

follow a set routine (plan out your meals, have a set time that you workout everyday, etc.)

if you have those things covered and you’re still having trouble keeping up with it, i like to do these things to feel motivated:

i follow the “never miss twice rule” which basically just means i tell myself to never mess up twice in a row and i don’t allow myself to fixate on my mistakes.

i wrote out a list of all the reasons i am on this journey and i reread it every time i feel like giving up.

i joined an accountability group. you can find these on facebook, reddit, instagram, discord, etc. it helps for motivation if you have other people going through the same struggles as you.

i often remind myself that this stage is temporary. i won’t have to be as diligent or strict forever, it’s just a phase.

the first 2 weeks of a new routine is always the hardest. especially when you’re dieting. this is when you will feel the worst. just remember that once you get past this, the hunger should stop and you shouldn’t feel as tired.

if you have the funds, i suggest using a personal trainer! i had trouble losing the last bit of stubborn fat because it was taking way longer to lose weight than before and i would get discouraged. having my trainer there to keep me on course and help me troubleshoot was life changing.

i hope this helps!

#q #「 ✩ 」 fitness #diet mention #weight loss mention #「 ✩ 」 diet #diet

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jrvschizo29 · 1 year

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I hate having schizophrenia. It's made my life so difficult especially with love . I've been disrespected so much . I'm a good person and there's so much sigma with my mental Illness. I feel people even go out of their way and hate me . I have a great personality when I can and I've always thought good of myself and try with others as well . But people can be Aholes . Me and my bf of a year haven't been talking much lately and I'm getting sad . I am not sure how to handle that . Then he put up a post and Idk what to think of it . Having him on my social media stresses me out at times . We don't put we in a relationship we're not really into that . I'm actually starting to feel a little better just venting it out publicly yet anonymously as well . Next is to see if we can work things out and have a chat . I really care for him and I hope everything's good but I'll see what happens next after the talk . Other then that I'm trying to find a place . I have a voucher for housing and I want to at least get my apartment soon . I have to pay for the application fee and go from there . I pray all goes good and things pull through for me . Fingers crossed . Also I am inspired to lose some weight like 70 pounds . Thinking of signing up for the Kroc center which has a gym . That would be great to go 5x's a week and walk on the other two days 5 miles . I'm 224lbs right now . I'm pretty but I want to lift weights and get my body in shape and tight . If it don't work out with my bf then I'll just use that motivation and transform my body to feel a lot better . Also try more to take care of myself . I noticed when I do I feel a hell of alot better . I can workout ,journal my thoughts ,bullet journal to track my progress ,and eat healthy ,drink more water for my weight and quit smoking . I have the medicines for that so should be good . I just got to work on me and follow the plan I'm going to write out later in my notes . Now I'm excited .I was so sad but the good thing about my illness is I'm never stuck just in those negative feelings . I can pump myself up to feel a lot better after I write . Also I'm a INFJ so even though I have mental Illness which really is Schizoaffective so schizophrenia and bipolar ,I can bounce back some . I'm not alone is what I feel and I know I'm cared for by someone . I have two beautiful kids for starters and they care so much . I am appreciative of all those that care and respect me . I know I need to work more on my boundaries and I will work on that and go to therapy. Also do a couple programs as well for mental wellness . Maybe I'll meet some people who are like minded and also join a community. My big goal is to quit smoking and work on losing weight even though my issue is the meds have slowed down my metabolism so I have to cut out sweets and do my research on what to do with that problem. I feel like I got this !! 🙌♥️💪🚭

#schizophrenia #schizaffective #actually schizophrenic #actually bipolar #weightloss #relationships #vent blog #mental heath awareness

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iveta777 · 8 months

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I am really glad that I'm not that girl anymore. She was the worst version of me. She went through so much in a very short amount of time.

She was stressed out. She moved to a new city far away from home. She graduated and started university- new home, new city, new people. She didn't know anybody there except her so called best friend who she shared an apartment with.

A month later her family got sick because of COVID. She was worried. She was desperate. She couldn't do anything to help them. She was scared, terrified, petrified to call them because every time she did the news got worse. Her mother was so sick that she had to be hospitalized. Her father was very sick as well but he had to take care of the rest of the family. She felt useless, helpless.

A few days later her only grandpa died. She was close with him. He was more like a parent than a grandparent for her. She didn't get the chance to see him for last time and say goodbye. One day she had a healthy grandpa full of life and on the other he was gone and she was left just with her memories.

During all that the school year had begun and she had to think about university and studying as well. Because of COVID the lectures were online. And her best friend went back home to her family. She was left alone. Scared. In a new city. With new people.

It was too much for her. She was a wreck. She was depressed. She was so lost that she didn't know how to cope with everything and get out of the emotional hole she was in. She was so tired of everything. She was sleeping for hours and waking up a thousand times more tired. Her body was good. It was her soul that needed rest. She was overwhelmed. She started eating more sweets because the chocolate was her only friend. It was the only thing that made her a bit happy. But it wasn't just the chocolate. It was like an endless cycle. Sleepless days and nights with cooking and eating following by days and nights full of sleep and no eating at all.

The results: gained 20+kg in few months; overwhelmed; depressed; ruined sleep schedule. She wasn't living, she was just existing. She was so confused. Her life was a mess.

On top of that when the things finally started getting better, her friend and her parted ways. It was a combination of different things but she couldn't live there anymore so she had to move out. She found a new place and moved in. This time she was alone in the city for real. She felt like she has lost everything. Everything was ruined.

But then when she had no other choice because she had nothing else to lose, she had to start building her(our) life again. She found new friends. Her family got healthy and happy. She studied hard and had good grades. She loved what she was studying and it was a pleasure for her to go to the university. She started going out and having fun.

Today I'm a totally different person from the one I was two years ago. I'm healthy, happy, free. I rebuild my life and have control over it. I'm emotionally and mentally better. I started working on my physical health as well- working out, walking, eating healthy and enough food that I've learnt how to prepare myself. I've lost weight as well. I learnt to find time for me and reduce the chances of burnout - reading books I like, watching videos/movies, getting enough sleep, listening to my favourite songs. I started wearing bright colours because I want to. They are happy colours and make my world even more colourful. I started singing again- I haven't done that in years.

To sum up ,I think that if that girl had the chance to see me now, she would be proud of me. She would feel motivated to take the risk and change her (our) life. She would be more confident and will stop being a people pleaser. She will set healthy boundaries and won't let anyone to manipulate her. She will thank me because now I'm still a kind caring person with a good heart but I'm not naive anymore. She will be proud of me because I finally realised my self worth and I love myself.

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saccharinecoffee · 10 months

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Hey, just a question I've been wondering for a while, I'm currently trying to start working out (depression and stuff) and wanted to know if you ever went to a gym cuz I need some advice please, is it better for beginners to start going to the gym 2 or 3 Days a week when they're just starting? I was just struggling with deciding sorry for being annoying

Hi anon!! Don't worry you're not annoying, I'll do my best to help! :)

Just a quick disclaimer though, I am not a personal trainer or professional in the field, just someone who grew up with a very fitness-oriented family and am currently being followed by a personal trainer as well.

As for the frequency of the workouts, it depends on your energy levels. Three times a week for starters is great, then after you get used to it (after two weeks or a month, depending on your comfort) you can start upping it to 4 days a week, then 5.

Now, keep in mind that workouts don't have to be really long. At the moment I do 30 min workouts because I'm still a bit unfit at the moment (recovering from long-term illness will do that to you LOL) but a lot of people regardless of health concerns can do it as well. Much like the frequency, once you get the hang of it you can incorporate more exercises per day and extend your workout time from 30 to 45 minutes, for example.

The exercises you choose depend on your health goals. If you wanna lose weight, then a focus on aerobics/cardio can be a good way to go. I've been told if you're a little sleepy a quick cardio session can help boost your energy. This could include going on runs, using a treadmill, elliptical machine, zumba or dance classes, biking, etc.

If you wanna tone up and/or become strong then a good mix of muscle-developing exercises can really help. I feel like these are super important even if you don't care about the aesthetics, because the strength it gives you is priceless. You feel like you can walk more, move more, carry more things, use stairs easily, etc. You just become so much less tired and less sore. It's awesome.

As for the types of exercises, that really depends on whether or not you're gonna go to the gym or try your hand at home workouts. Regardless of the two, you can google for exercises at home (or search on youtube) and at the gym you could always ask them to help you with a workout plan. Where I live almost all gyms make workouts for their members for free, but idk about other countries 😔

Now, this may not be directly related to what you asked, but I gotta stress that a healthy diet is fundamental to your goals and I don't mean that just for the aesthetics of it. Eating well can genuinely change how you feel, and it can give you so much energy. And I'm not talking calories, I'm talking the quality of the food. No processed food, fried food, junk food, all that nasty stuff. I could suggest googling, but most "healthy" meal plans people suggest are disgusting and bland and kinda bordering on crimes against humanity LOOL if this is something that interests you just ask for more and I can give examples and recipes and stuff.

Exercise isn't the end-all-be-all, but it really can help with you feeling a bit brighter, a bit more capable, a bit stronger or even a bit more attractive. The self-satisfaction of being able to lift more and more, to run farther and farther, that shit is such an ego-boost. It feels really good and it motivates you to keep going. And of course, if you build it into your life (try to work out at around the same time every time) it becomes a habit and that in of itself helps with internal regulation. You even sorta start missing it if you have to miss a session. Habits and predictability in your daily schedule are really helpful when it comes to mental illness. So while exercise isn't a miracle cure, it can really really help, especially when you add good eating habits and a good sleeping schedule into the mix!

I hope this was all the help you needed but if you have extra questions just ask!

#ask #anon #i wonder if i went a little overboard LOL #coffee break

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tomboyfriends · 9 months

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cw: weight loss, body mourning

This is not very organized but I'll start. These are very personal, very vulnerable notes about my thoughts and feelings when it comes to my weight in the context of adopting a more active and healthy lifestyle. Which... has led me to losing weight.

When I get to a healthy weight, I'm going to hold an informal funeral for my fat. If I could become healthy and fit and stay fat, I would. But that's just not an option for me.

Being fat has always been a part of me. I've always been chubby since youth, always connected my love of food and food culture to my fat. I've always been comforted by seeing fat people like me and hoped to be a comforting presence to other fat people. I wanted my body to be a physical symbol of self-acceptance and acceptance of other fat people. Because I love fat people, especially fat women, as a fat woman.

I have always used my fatness as a shield. I didn't want people to only be around me for my appearance. I wanted people to want to be around me for my personality instead. I figured that if I was fat, then everyone close to me was sure to like me for my personality. Being fat was my way of determining whether or not prospective friends and partners were "normal" about fat people, I used it as a sieve to filter out people I deemed "shallow".

I never wanted to compete with other women when it came to appearances, I always felt it was a waste of time and was cruel to women. By being fat I felt I exempt myself from the never-ending rat race of competitive beauty culture and conforming to misogynist beauty standards. I didn't want to be threatening to other women by being "too pretty" or by using my body as a bulletin board for makeup and thinness propaganda. I never wanted my body to reflect adherence to beauty standards because I never believed in them. I still don't.

I used my fatness to appeal to other people. Fatness was a part of my personality. I loved to be the "quirky" fat person, to make lighthearted jokes about my fatness, to talk about all the different types of food I loved to eat, and to connect to others over shared favorite foods or interest in food in general. I loved to talk about my unhealthy eating habits like they were silly and relatable, because they ARE relatable to many people, because so many people draw comfort from food, often resulting in overeating and neglect of nutritional needs in one's diet.

My fatness comes from using unhealthy eating habits as a maladaptive coping mechanism for various aspects of mental illness and sensory seeking from my neurological disorders, and comfort in a sedentary lifestyle when I lacked the energy and motivation to get out of bed. But I cannot increase the energy I have by staying in bed. I cannot help myself lower the risk of different diseases I am genetically predisposed to with unhealthy eating habits. I cannot make myself stronger without working out.

Being fat has always been a huge part of me, take or leave the pun. By losing my fat, I am literally losing a part of me. Before I was no longer morbidly obese, my fat was 52% of me. There was more fat to me than everything else combined. Fat that I did not resent, fat that I was still handsome/funny/happy in, fat that I am emotionally attached to.

When I am so connected to my fat and am losing so much of myself, how can I not help but mourn? The frame of my face is changing and I feel a tinge of sadness in my heart when I look in the mirror. I have told my loved ones of my feelings and they understand. They say I'll always be me regardless of size and that brings me comfort. But no one is mourning the loss of part of the physical self, that is something for me to experience alone.

Working out and eating healthy is easy. Losing weight is hard.

(I do not condone any of my own thoughts or actions here. I am just being very candid about how I am feeling at 6:24 A.M.)

#ok xavery #i am allowed to be melodramatic on my own blog #this writing is so different from my cutesy fictional writing... it's just me autistically blurting out my thoughts #as clearly as i can

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iwannabeastarstarrockmann · 9 months

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youtube

not me romanticizing my ed and seeing how thin I can get in preparation for the garden concert I'm going to in October.

I just want to be able to sing and dance all night long without feeling like an insecure, ugly, fat pig of a person you know??

I don't go to concerts a lot but I wanna be a roadie so badly it hurts just to think about.

I'm going to another concert in October as well, its amyl and the sniffers and not only do I adore Amy but she's been like thinsp0 in a way for me so just seeing her in person is enough motivation to keep working at my goal weight. it's not healthy whatsoever but whenever I gain weight, I just lose all meaning, I become sluggish and depressed and end up hiding away from everyone and everything I hold closest to my heart so until I get therapy, this is all I have to keep me going.

youtube

#ed relapse #ed vent #edblrr #ed bllog #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #thin$p0 #i will reach my ugw #i will be thinner #anorex14 #I like control #I need control #Youtube

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shinyzango · 2 years

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Sometimes I get here on social medias and find myself saying "man, I haven't said shit in a long time did I"

I kinda feel bad for almost never saying anything or not being that active in here. To be honest it's mostly the fact that not much has been going on aside from stuff irl that i never say anything about because I don't think anyone is interested in reading about lol

That, and also still going through this, uh... I guess I can call it art block? I just can't find any motivation in drawing. I'm still happy to do the end of the month stream, and I can still draw commissions if needed. But I just. The thought of picking up the pen and draw just. Doesn't come up. Or if it does, I get tired and put it down after drawing just a circle. It's... very frustrating.

On one side, I can feel that it's an art block of the way of "I see too many errors in how I draw everything / i don't like how i draw anymore", and I'm stuck in this state where I can't bring myself to improve my skills. And it sucks. But on the other side...

One of the last therapist sitting kind of made me realize something that I've been losing my mind over for the past month. I used drawing to distress from stuff. I was very troubled. I had a lot of pent-up anger to let out. And the stress gave me the motivation to draw.

I've been talking to a therapist for the past year, and I've been doing so much better. I'm changing ways of seeing things, I'm slowly getting through my fears and troubles that were stopping me. Hell, I'm losing weight just because of how much stress I'm letting out in a healthy way, and being able to buy clothes of smaller sizes and them actually fit me feels amazing. For the first time in my life, I like how I look.

And yet... all of that caused the spark to draw to disappear. I don't have a reason to distress that way anymore. And this fact is driving me crazy. I want to draw. I want to finally get my story on paper for everyone to enjoy. But i can't bring myself to do it.

We started looking into this now, so hopefully I'll figure out a new spark, but until then... idk.

I don't even know why I wrote this post. I guess I just wanted to apologize for the lack of activity on my end.

So... yeah. There's that I guess.

#shut up zango #it's been a while sin e i last said anything in here about my stuff #i judt don't want to bore anyone y'know?#but i felt small update was needed #except i ended up blabbering #still i hope you all are doing well

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