#storytime

[corrupt-bitchh]

omg do y’all wanna hear a story about what a good (unknowingly) gender traitor ive been like since I was a teen?

I used to feel guilty ab it but now like who cares? girls are dumb sluts anyway

#patriarchy kink #storytime

[batshit-auspol]

As a holdover from when churches used to run schools, many states in Australia legislate that the local church can come into schools to teach religion classes for an hour each week.

These 'scripture teacher' roles generally do not require any formal education training, and can be filled by just about any random off the street, which means that for one class a week Australian students are subjected to some of the most unhinged people on earth teaching them all kinds of made up stuff with zero supervision.

Aussies: This is a free thread to reply with the stories of the funniest things your scripture teachers said or did when you were a kid.

#australia #auspol #storytime

[uwudonoodle]

Storytime: My brother Dave used to manage a Little Ceasars, and he hated it. So when my mom asked him what he wanted on his birthday cake, he jokingly said the Little Ceasars guy being stabbed with his own spear. My mom, who doesn't always get sarcasm, didn't even question it. She lovingly made him exactly what he asked for. It's my favorite cake ever.

Happy Ides of March to Ceasar getting stabbed!

#ides of march #beware the ides of march #ceasar #little ceasars #little ceasars pizza #mascot #cake decorating #birthday cake #happy ides of march #pizza pizza #spear #stabby #storytime #pizza #pizza cake #chocolate cake #i hate my job #working in food service #julius caesar #little ceasars guy #little ceasars mascot #little ceasar #hail caesar #food #understood the assignment

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

#ramblies #ffs foibles #sex shop #retail #story #funny story #storytime #writing

[bluecatwriter]

I've been rereading some of my old travel diaries from my early 20's, and one of them seriously reads like a slow-burn fanfic. I was on tour with a small indie band and there was a cute guy my age traveling with the band. And we spent two weeks "accidentally" hanging out and sitting close to each other at the merch table in smoky bars and reading Tolkien poetry to each other and taking walks at the beach and sharing food and stargazing and sleeping next to each other on living room floors and giving each other back rubs and talking late into the night gazing into each other's eyes.

We never kissed. We never even held hands. I pretended to fall asleep on his shoulder once in the car, and one day I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. And that was it. We said goodbye two weeks later and we both thought it was forever and I pined so hard that I threw up.

A month later he sent me an apologetic letter saying that he was sorry for being so presumptuous when I clearly had no romantic interest in him, but that he had to be honest that he was in love with me. And I was like, "What?! He was in love with me this whole time???"

So yeah, we're married now (celebrated ten years last autumn) but if you're ever wondering if your slow-burn fic is too slow, or that your characters are too oblivious, just remember me and my now-spouse mutually pining over each other every single second of the day for two weeks without ever saying a word to each other about how we felt. I was reading my own diary yelling, "JUST KISS HIM ALREADY!"

#random #storytime #fanfiction #writing

[katy-l-wood]

My dad is the kind of guy who just takes care of the whole neighborhood because they are, mostly, retirees he’s known a good chunk of his life if not his whole life. Snowblows after storms, brings their trashcans in, keeps an eye on their houses, does handyman jobs, etc.. HOWEVER. A young couple moved in next to my dad about a year ago, and they’ve got a little near-toddler, and my dad is just flabbergasted by them, and it is hilarious.

After the last storm he went out and cleared their driveway and sidewalks and in return they baked him a loaf of raspberry banana bread, and with it they included a stickynote with allergy information. To which my dad called me and said, in the most baffled voice, “Katy, I drink creek water, what the fuck do I need allergy information for?”

I’m sorry the neighbors don’t know you’re half feral, sir. Just enjoy your bread.

(He did happily take the bread and said it’s the best bread he’s ever had.)

#Storytime

[taffywabbit]

a bunch of my computer parts came with super bright gamer RGBs all over them (not by choice - the models with lights just happened to be better deals) and my case has a glass side panel, so when I first brought it home and set it up, I had to spend like 2 hours downloading and configuring several different programs to turn them all off (because no single app seemed to be able to control all the components at once).

in the end, the only light I left on was on the side of my GPU, and I set it to be a soft dark purple that would slide across the length of the GPU like a marquee every few seconds - nothing that'd disturb my sleep if my computer happened to wake itself up in a dark room, but enough to look cool and give me a visual indicator that the PC was turned on.

anyways sometimes I guess the driver that controls that specific component's RGBs just... crashes? for absolutely no reason? and the result is that it defaults to an intense, solid red that harshly illuminates my whole case and the area around it. every time this happens I cannot shake the immediate, instinctive fear that my computer has turned evil and is going to kill me. like oh god oh fuck it knows I ""fixed"" one of its CPU cooler fans by scotch-taping it in place so it would stop spinning unevenly and screeching at me, and now it's waiting for its chance to strike and claim ultimate revenge

#buny text #storytime #I'm an intelligent adult with a moderate grasp of technology but all bets are off when a light turns red that's not supposed to be red

[sliceoflifebear]

Ok so I got this thing while getting discount candy and just look at it!!!

This looks stupid…so I bought it because IM A RESPONSIBLE CONSUMER!!! Let’s open it.

HOW TO EGG??!!

Ok so rock but also slime and also foam. I did not plan for this.

Slime and bones. Like I am back in the 90s

Fluffy foam and bones.

Time to crack open a hard one with the boys

Holy hell

I swear it’s not drugs

We can rebuild it, we have the technology

Meet my child Stevphen!

#story #storytime #dinosaur #robot? #fossils #this is stupid #i love it #adventure

[beechfruit]

So in my class we name our glue sticks to stop the kids losing or mistreating them - they're much less likely to lose a glue lid if you're shouting "oh no, Alfred's been decapitated". It's fun.

Now, I'm a big batfam girlie ✨ so naturally I named all our glues after these characters. We have Richard and Bruce and Stephanie and Barbara etc. you see the point.

Recently, the first glue stick ran out. It had to go in the bin so unfortunately it "died", and you'll never guess which glue stick was the first to die...

It was Jason.

You could not conceive the sound I made as I had to throw Jason in the bin as all the children shouted things like "Jason's dead" and "noooo Jason!"

Worst things worse, I couldn't even explain how ironic that was that Jason, the second robin, was the first glue to go!

#jason todd #batfam #batman #robin #red hood #gluesticks #funny #storytime #death in the family #only this family is made of gluesticks #rip jason todd #bat family #dc comics #dc universe #dcu

[sivavakkiyar]

A young Buddha story I always liked (you might have heard it). When the Buddha was a young prince he was sitting in the garden one day when suddenly out of the sky a swan came crashing down, blood spurting everywhere, an arrow firmly lodged in it’s neck. It flailed on the ground piteously. The Buddha had not yet Awakened, so he ran over and panicked, started calling to his servants to come help him.

From around the corner comes his infamous cousin Devadatta with a big smile on his face. He says ‘don’t take it away! That’s the best shot I’ve made yet. That’s my spoils’. The Buddha is horrified, Devadatta is proud. ‘The bird needs help’, the young Buddha said. ‘The bird is my trophy,’ says Devadatta. The advisors aren’t really sure what to do, and the two boys can’t agree. So they go to the court room where the king and the ministers are gathered, and the court decides to hear the case between the two boys as a kind of break.

Devadatta makes his argument clear: ‘I shot the bird. By doing so, I claimed it. This is how everything works, every stone in this palace and each place of land one owns.’

The Buddha, young and bashful, says ‘Everyone agrees that things that hate each other belong apart, and that those who love each other belong together. Devadatta showed violence to the bird, who will not leave my lap, so you have to understand it as hate; I cared for the bird, who will not leave my lap, so it is clearly love. Hence the bird is under my care.’

The council weighs the arguments after the boys have spoken, admiring Devadatta’s maturity and a little embarassed by the Buddha’s emotional plea. Just as they’re about to make their judgement in favor of Devadatta, the king gives a small cough, and the courtiers remember themself: The Buddha is in the right, the bird belongs to him. Devadatta is outraged, screams injustice, storms out of the room.

Telling this story later in life, the Buddha says ‘Do you know? Devadatta had the better argument, of course. I only won because I was the king’s son—-pure privilege. In a sense, it wasn’t right. But I did care for that bird, and a week later it flew away squawking and happy.’

#long post #storytime

[chucktaylorupset]

You can’t just call the “don’t stop me now” essay writing method the second worst essay method you’ve heard of and not tell us the story of the worst one 👀

i know a guy whose patented essay writing method is to, on the eve of the due date, set an alarm so early it should count as an atrocity, open an empty word doc on his computer and then placing it on his bed,

he then goes to sleep, presumably after drinking a full can of coke, as his immunity to caffeine, adderall, and the general life choices about to be described prove that (1) this man almost certainly is a colossal case of adhd and (2) that is the least of what's wrong with him

when the alarm goes off he immediately starts typing into the word document whilst in a sleep adjacent fugue state. once he hits the required word count, he turns over and goes back to sleep, without ever having fully woken up

he awakens in the morning with however many pages of essay typed up and ready to submit, with no memory of what content is actually contained, as if he'd been visited by santa or a mystical essay delivering fairy or a demon that engaged in a brief bout of possession and then peaced out after rightfully deducing that inhabitation of this particular body and its life was a task said demon was not equal to, nor would continuation of this possession constitute as a desirable state

all of this so that he can have the benefits of an essay, whilst completely avoiding a mental state in which he is at any point fully present in experiencing the pain of writing an essay.

This man is now in graduate school.

#my post #storytime #ask and answer #i answer #worst ways to essay

[highabovethecloudssomewhere]

A couple years ago, I was staying with a friend for New Year’s and we’d decided to drive down to this adorable strip of locally-owned small business shops and check them out. The bakery was particularly crowded and since I wasn’t planning to buy anything, I waited outside. It’d been snowing, and since moving I’d picked up a “Californian-experiences-true-midwest-winter-for-the-first-time” habit of making at least one (1) tiny snowman every opportunity I get

so I built a little snowman on one of the small tables on this strip. 

after about three minutes of cramming ice together, I hear, “Do you want espresso beans for the eyes?” and I turn around and there’s this gal leaning precariously far out the window of her coffee shop, surrounded by her coworkers, holding out her hand and said espresso beans.

I think of those strangers often. just the thought of them all looking out the window to see this random stranger on the corner in the snow building a tiny snowman and deciding to join in, make it special for no other reason than that they wanted to. people are so, so precious and I’m never going to forget that moment.

#storytime #people being people #fond memories #fr

[jaubaius]

#tom & jerry shit #storytime #not today #funny video

[katy-l-wood]

One summer when I was at my favorite Girl Scout camp a mom sent her daughter a pack of tarot cards in the mail. The counselors decided we could only play with them if our parents let us read Harry Potter, otherwise you had to do something else.

And. Like. I get where they were coming from but it was fucking Girl Scouts. We had a whole ritual system built around pinecones by day two of camp. We nearly died in a flood, like, at LEAST once a summer. We had a sprawling lore about a doomed civil war soldier and the ghost of his lover that he had to leave behind and now she haunted the camp. We regularly tried to summon OTHER ghosts at the homestead house. WE COMPETED FOR TENT SPACE WITH COYOTES.

I do not think they needed to worry about the tarot cards.

Anyways. That's the camp that inspired the camp in my book Camp Daze, which is on Kickstarter right now.

#Camp Daze #Camp Daze Kickstarter #Storytime #Girl Scouts

[barnlarn]

Owning a horse in the northern midwest be like

#art #comic #drawing #equestrian life #horse life #mid-autumn rain is nice but also cold mud why #my horse loves it here tho #so do i #storytime