🌿Long "rant" about my growth and my personal journey so far. Maybe someone else will find it informative or beneficial. If not it still feels good to get it off my chest~🌿
In this time of reflection I've been giving myself recently (more like my soul demanded it), I'm realizing just how little I was actually questioning myself, and even more so actually listening for my responses.
I can't remember a time when I'd sit down and meditate on: "Why am I doing this?" "Why do I want to do this?" "Do I even want to do this?" "Who is benefiting from me doing this?" "Who am I doing this for?" "Is this going to make me happy or am I trying to fill a void?" "Is this decision influenced by someone else or are these actually my thoughts?" And the list just keeps going on.
For years I've been constantly trying to push forward. Keep moving on. If one thing didn't go right, or fit, just move on to the next thing. Instead of stopping and assessing "why didn't it work?" "Why didn't it feel right?" But more importantly, I never gave myself a chance to reflect and answer properly. I would always just give myself a half-ass reason and move on to the next thing... That's not growth! That's not moving on. That's avoidance and a surefire way to getting stuck and burning out.
And that's exactly what happened to me. I needed a divine wake up call to sit my ass down and reflect, assess, cull the damage, make boundaries and really sit down with myself and figure out who I am. (Still in the process) Not who I want to be, not who I can be. But simply who I already am. The beautiful body and soul and life I have right now. Not what I could have 5 years from now. But right now!
And who would ever of thought that someone could feel so lost and confused when confronted with themselves. When having to sit down with themself and have a conversation. Getting to know who you truly are, without the influences of others, without social media or your friends or family or societies' input. It shouldn't be this difficult. But it is! Because I've been avoiding myself and ignoring my inner voice, my soul, for so damn long. Constantly pushing it down, out of sight. Constantly trying to make myself "better", but for all the wrong reasons!
For 20 years now, I've finally realized that I've never given myself a chance to try and love myself for me! As I am. I was so focused on changing myself into someone others could love, instead of just loving me. I never even gave myself the chance to properly learn who I was before changing myself to fit someone I thought I wanted to be... someone I could picture someone loving more.
I have finally taken the societal and family pressures off of myself and I realized so many things about myself. Without even having to dig too deep! Things that have dictated my life for years!
Things like, I truly don't mind being "plus size". That I can and will re-learn to love my body as mother earth and creator made me. That there is nothing wrong with having more to love! After being pushed and told to diet and lose weight from the tender age of 6 up until now... I finally got a chance to hear my own voice and I say that I'm completely beautiful the way I am. That I don't, in fact, need to listen you when you tell me "you need to lose weight! You're so beautiful, imagine if you were thinner!"
If I'm beautiful then period! That's it. That's the statement.
That I don't need to let money rule over my options and decisions! That just because most of the world holds money higher than their values doesn't mean I have to as well.
I'll be perfectly happy with my tiny home, my beautiful partner and our couple pets. Saving money in a big jar for our next vacation or date night or whatever it is! Because I've learned from a young age that when you have to work for what you want, you savor it that much more. So I'd rather scrape and fill up on the small wonders in life than work a job that I'll hate or one that will take half of my life away from me. My values mean more to me than a piece of paper.
I have been living my life according to my parents and society and the pressures of these imaginary situations I conjured up in my mind that NEVER have or will happen, for years now! I based life decisions on everyone other than myself!
And I finally had the intervention that I needed in the form of a two week long mental breakdown...
But it was exactly the thing that I needed to really stop and just listen. To reassess my "whys" to ask myself "am I happy?" And to give myself a chance to respond.
The universe, spirit guides, ect. work in such different ways. But divine timing is real. Because I truly believe that if I kept going at the rate I was, I would have ruined my life for myself before the year was out. I was making such extreme plans that I wasn't even 100% sure about!! Because I never sat and truly questioned myself about those things I was ignoring!
Sometimes the questions you're asking yourself aren't even the right ones! Sometimes you need to ask "Hey, why am I pushing this other thing away?" Or "Why am I ignoring this?" Because the answers you get from those questions are going to be so much more insightful than asking "Why do I want to go down this path?"
Take the time you need to listen to yourself. There's no rush. That's another thing I've learned. You are more important than whatever is going on in your life right now. Your happiness, my happiness, is bigger than anyone or anything else.
You deserve to give yourself time to reflect, assess and cull all the negative, toxic and bad things, people and habits from your life!
Boundaries are NOT SELFISH!
Sometimes disassembling yourself and your life and starting from the ground up is actually the right thing to do.
And there's truly no time like the present.
You have to love yourself first! Take care of yourself first! Because you are infinite. You are a divine creator and you are the most important thing in your life. You might have the best friends or family in the world, but at the end of the day, you can't be there for them, if you don't have yourself first.
You deserve everything you've ever wanted for yourself. Don't let anyone or anything skewer your perception of yourself or your inner voice.
It's taken my 26 years to realize it. But that just goes to show you it really is never too late to start aiming for the life that you want.
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