#to anyone who’s battling depression: please feel hugged

[nessiemccormick]

happy to see you're still kicking! have a great day

Awww thank you so much?? I read this in the right moment!! Like, this hit straight to my heart because I was reading through some old posts and I could see how depression was consuming me whole, but now I’m better and I’m still alive and kicking! Yeah!!!! And I’m so happy and grateful I am!!

Thank you, Anon!! 💕💕💕

#nessie gets an ask #it’s a bit scary reading my old posts… #I’m so glad things did turn out for the better #now I’m finishing a new career choice and I have the best marks I’ve ever had #have been exercising and doing healthy things #I haven’t felt like hating myself anymore #I hope depression stays contained and I never fall back into it because it was such a scary moment in my life… #to anyone who’s battling depression: please feel hugged #it will get better #I promise #keep fighting!! #and please take care of yourself!! #and don’t forget to take your meds!!!

[kathaynesart]

BEGINNING || PREVIOUS || NEXT MASTER POST

DONE.  I'm resisting the urge to do a whole TED Talk on future Leo.  However, I do want to discuss something on the matter.  To be brief, while I see a lot of people in the fandom emphasizing the pain and self loathing of this character (all of which I am certain he goes through) that is not what I see in him by the beginning of the movie.  Some one who hates himself that much and is so bogged down with regret would not be the type to speak about still having "hope" as their greatest weapon (especially in such a cheesy manner).  I see a man who has gone through the ringer and come out the other end harder and wiser.  But most importantly he appears to have doubled down on his faith in himself and even more so in his loved ones.  He knows it's not about him.  That he doesn't have the luxury to be depressed and ultimately must overcome his own mind to achieve his tenacious goals.  Does he still have bad days?  Most certainly, anyone filled with that kind of regret does, but I really think that this is a battle he fights and wins more often than not by the time of 2044.  He is a man dedicated to his cause and family, and while he still has a long ways to go at this point in the story, I feel like this would be the start of him finally forgiving himself.

I'm not into torture porn (though that may surprise some of you) nor do I think it's healthy to wallow in that sort of pain for an extensive period (fandoms can be a great outlet for this, but it can have a huge impact on your mental and emotional state if not treated in a healthy manner), and I want this to be a story of healing rather than one completely bogged down with sorrow.  Because no matter how bleak things can be, you are always worthy of love, especially self love. 

Please make sure to give yourself a hug and thank you for all your support and kind words.  We have one last round to wrap up Leo's arch then it's onto April.

#Future Bootyyy Shaker #rottmnt #save rottmnt #rottmnt movie #rottmnt comic #leonardo #donatello #teenage mutant ninja turtles #unpause rise of the tmnt #kathaynesart #Replica #rottmnt replica

[breelandwalker]

Sneak Peek - Spoons In Spades

At a little distance he saw a fire, and beside it there sat three giants, busy with broth and beef. They were so huge that the spoons they used were as large as spades, and their forks as big as hay-forks: with these they lifted whole bucketfuls of broth and great joints of meat out of an enormous pot which was set on the ground between them.

- Niels and the Giants (The Crimson Fairy Book)

[img src]

-----

Intent: To give oneself additional “spoons.”

Ideal Timing: This charm can be made at any time.

Materials:

Spoons

Large Jar

Cotton Balls

Herbs: Hyssop, Rosemary, Thyme, Juniper Berries

When I asked my readers what sort of spells they'd like to see in this second volume of fairytale-inspired spells, one of the most strikingly popular responses was, "Is there a spell to give me more spoons?"

If you're not familiar with the term, "spoons" or spoon theory is a metaphor which describes the reduction in mental and physical energy experienced by people who are disabled or chronically ill, with spoons used as a unit of measurement to represent how energy and motivation must be rationed throughout the day to accomplish necessary tasks. Spoons are only replenished through rest or sleep, so once a person runs out of spoons, that's it for their day. 

The term was coined by Christine Miserandino in her 2003 article "The Spoon Theory," in which she uses dinnerware to demonstrate to a friend how living with invisible chronic illness required careful daily planning and prioritization, and how even with the best intentions and efforts, tasks are often left undone due to a lack of energy or an increase in pain. The term has since been adopted by wide sections of the online community in relation to struggles with disability, chronic illness, or mental health, as a descriptor for daily energy and motivation levels, i.e. "I don't have the spoons for this," or "After a full day at work, I have exactly one spoon left, and I need it for laundry, so going out is off the table."

As someone who regularly battles ADHD, anxiety, executive dysfunction, migraines, and depression, I'm a big fan of spoon theory, largely because it makes those invisible daily struggles, which so many of us have, much easier to visualize and explain. So in honor of all my fellow spoonies, here is a spell to help you gain those critical extra spoons.

For this spell, you'll need a fair-sized jar, some healing herbs, and a bunch of spoons. You can use plastic spoons or metal ones, if you happen to have spare silverware lying around. Use as many or as few spoons as you feel you need. If you need more spoons than can readily be acquired, you might draw or print out pictures or spoons and use those instead.

Place the spoons in the jar with a big handful of cotton balls. Apart from their mundane medical and cosmetic uses, cotton has healing magical properties and also represents the comfort that may feel lacking on low energy or high pain days. If desired, add several pinches of Hyssop, Rosemary, Thyme, and Juniper Berries, or a sachet containing the herbs if you'd rather keep things neat.

Close the jar, give it a big hug, and say:

I bless this jar and spoons And ask for the strength to function; And when I need a helping hand, These extra spoons I'll summon,

Set the jar aside somewhere safe. If desired, you might want to label it. You don't want anyone borrowing your magical spoons for their cereal, after all. When you need an extra boost to help you get through the day, simply open the jar and take out a spoon. You can carry the spoon with you, place it on your altar, or discard it to activate the charm.

Please keep in mind that performing this sort of magic should always be accompanied by appropriate medical and self-care measures. Magic isn't going to cure a chronic illness or permanently alter your brain chemistry. But it can help you cope with the symptoms and give you that all-important push to get yourself through the day. Stay strong, witches!

-from the forthcoming book, The Sisters Grimmoire, Vol. II; © 2021 Bree NicGarran

(If you'd like to check out more fairy-tale spells or any of my other published works, please visit the Willow Wings Witch Shop!)

#A gift for all my readers on my birthday - hope you enjoy! #witchcraft #witchblr #spells #spoonie witch #The Sisters Grimmoire II

[deathmetalangel]

Helo! It's me again '^^

I loved your "Bad Joke" hcs so much that I want to request another bunch of headcanons for this cartoon! (Only if you want tho-)

What about some platonic headcanons of Rose Quartz, garnet, pearl, amethist and Steven (sepparetly if it's possible) reacting to a fem!gem! reader who is 13 years old (yeah, I'm obsessed with fem early teen readers) puffing herself for 3 weeks due to sadness because she felt unwanted.

You can totally ignore this request if it makes you uncomfortable or if the topic is triggering! Have a nice day/night!

POOFING HEADCANONS (GEMS X FEM! READER/PLATONIC)

warnings: slightly depressive talk, abandonment issues if you squint, kind of angsty but not really?

y/n wasn’t as strong as her older companions, and thus wasn’t involved in as many missions or brought along all the time. that feeling can make anyone feel very unwanted. and sometimes desolated.

tysm for liking my writings and requesting. i’m really glad you liked the last headcanons :3 i hope these are just as good.

ROSE QUARTZ

- when y/n first poofed rose thought she had just run off

- perhaps she wanted a break from everyone

- eventually after not long of looking she finds her gem hidden away

- rose is so worried! how could she not have noticed

- keeps her gem with her at all times waiting for her to reform

- when she does rose’s motherly instincts kick in and she just hugs her so tight

- “i’m so sorry! why on earth would you do such a thing.”

- and when y/n explains her feelings rose is on the brink of tears

- how could she have failed as a leader to make her youngest recruit feel unwanted

- goes on for hours explaining why y/n is wanted and why she’s a valuable part of the team

- “you’re so strong and funny! what would we do without you y/n? not even just battle, what would we do around the temple without you. i love seeing you everyday y/n. i want to help you grow and change and embrace earth!”

- rose is a sap and they both cry together (she mostly cried because y/n was crying and she was wanted her to feel better)

GARNET

- of course she noticed her change in behavior

- how dejected she would get when her and steven had to stay behind

- but the infinite possibilities sapphire foretold never considered this path

- steven had found y/n’s gem and quickly brought it to garnet

- she is so so worried how could her future vision fail her

- she had become your mother in a way and this just broke her heart

- carefully kept her gem in her room, which no one ever entered, and counted the days she remained in her gem

- when she inevitably reformed garnet was struggling to hold herself together because she immediately began crying

- sapphire was scolding herself while ruby just wanted to help

- allows her to take her time before coaxing her out of the ball she had curled into

- when y/n explains garnet carefully removes her visor

- “i don’t care what you think, you are never unwanted here. you’re apart of the crystal gems even if we can’t always bring you along. i was only trying to protect you. i’m sorry y/n.”

- when she hugs her garnet cries even more

- she was so worried, but she was so glad y/n was back

- “you and steven are important to all of us, so please keep yourself safe. when you’ve trained more you’ll be on every single one of our missions i promise.”

PEARL

- pearl had a busy schedule almost all the time

- but she did take notice of y/n’s absence rather quickly

- pearl panics when steven is out of her eyes sight for a minute, but she really gets anxious when she hasn’t seen her in hours

- when she finds y/n’s gem she freaks out

- places it on a pillow and watches anxiously sort of like steven did when she got poofed

- pearl genuinely stayed in her room almost the whole time waiting for y/n to reform

- when she does she cries so much

- “y/n! what happened?”

- explaining everything made pearl feel so guilty

- “why would you ever think that? we all love you so much y/n. i’m sorry if i get sidetracked or overly indulged in my work, but i promise you that you’re never unwanted.”

- she cries in pearls arms while pearl ugly cries

- she was just genuinely afraid of loosing y/n like she did rose

AMETHYST

- amethyst would never say she was worried about y/n, but yeah she was always concerned

- she just always seemed distant

- amethyst tried her best to make her feel included

- when she finds her gem amethyst is so mad

- not at y/n, but at everyone else

- “how could you guys not see what was happening? even i seen it! this happened because you guys failed to make her feel like she was apart of the team!”

- she knows the feeling of not being wanted very well

- amethyst was very anxious waiting for y/n to reform

- especially as the weeks started to drag on and on

- when she does reform amethyst does not let her out of her bear hug

- “i’m not gonna say i don’t get it, i do. but y/n, you gotta believe me when i say that you are wanted here. the other gems just get busy with dumb stuff they forget about us sometimes. but even if pearl and garnet are busy, you still have me.”

- they are inseparable from then on

STEVEN

- steven is very oblivious, he’s a kid obviously

- but when he finds y/n’s gem he doesn’t stop crying

- worse than when he cried over snakes

- “pearl bring her back. please.”

- when the gems tell him that he has to wait on her to reform he cries more

- does not leave her gem alone

- even when garnet tries to tell him to give y/n space and time he refuses

- when she reforms steven starts crying again

- “what happened?!”

- hugs her so tight while he cries

- “what do you mean you feel unwanted, i want you here all the time y/n.”

- he doesn’t fully get it, he’s used to feeling belittled but not unwanted yk

- “i promise y/n you will never ever feel like that again. i’m so sorry.”

- now she starts crying because he’s crying so much

- but it did make her feel better after

#deathmetalangel #steven universe headcanon #steven universe x reader #steven universe #su #crystal gems x reader #crystal gems #garnet #amethyst #pearl

[chrollohearttags]

“I can hear my dead homies sing, now my eyes always hurting..wiping tears with diamond rings…”

I haven’t written angst in a long time because honestly, I’m a crybaby bitch that can’t handle it but I had to do one for my favorite pairing and challenge myself for once. Please don’t hate me too much!

tw: s*icide, angst (obv), reflections of eren’s past life prior to (y/n), drug/alcohol abuse and addiction, depression, s*xual harassment, mentions of death, breakup, gun violence

📝: read this at your own risk. I’m just trying to test myself and step outside of the box a bit.

we’re all aware of the dark side of the music industry..the pressures and struggles that come with fame. Behind our favorite celebrities; singers, rappers and actors alike are a world of struggle or pain that led them to create the art they put on display for us to see..at some point or another, there are battles they fight everyday that us as average fans aren’t aware of. Not that we’re owed any obligation to them outside of the public space, but we can’t help but worry. This all rings true for rapper and renowned artist Eren Jaeger, EJ The Don..whatever you choose to call him.

No matter how many loving, adoring fans screamed his name, friends he kept by his side, women he hooked up with and chains he purchased, it could never drown out the pain that plagued his heart. “You’ve traveled the world..seen it all and performed in front of millions. You’re one of the world’s most famous rappers and most respected producers in the game. At this point in your career, is there anything that you look back on and say ‘I regret this’ or ‘I wish that hadn’t happened’…are you happy?” the question shot to him by an interviewer sitting adjacent..a single camera lens focused in on his face in front a clear white background. In a very rare exclusive, the artist sat down with XXL to reflect on his early come up and what they could expect in the future. A loaded question he wasn’t quite ready to answer yet..still, those infamous green eyes; glossed over by the euphoria of marijuana and covered by designer shades, brown hair tucked behind his ear as he released a sigh. At this point in the game, he’d be considered a legend despite his rather young age of only twenty eight years old. An amazing feat considering that many of his peers hadn’t even made it to see that. What was even more so sad..most of the ones coming along today weren’t even twenty one before they were snuffed out. It was something he struggled and toiled with often…’are you happy?’ how could he possibly answer that truthfully when he had sat in the same room with his homies..one moment popping Xans as they recorded their next single and the next, shaking them as they seized up, overdosing on the pills before passing away?

How could he ever be happy when he had to go hug the mothers and hand out flowers to the wives of his friends who lost their lives to gun violence, simply because they decided to come back to their city after making it big? To tell their kids that daddy wasn’t coming home…something he often times feared for his own. He was a husband now and inevitably would become a father. Truth was, he had become jaded. Worn down and tired out by industry politics..it was exactly why his circle was small enough to count on one hand now. Why he was afraid to get close to anyone. Paranoid that he’d become the next victim of a setup, leaving his family, friends and fans to grieve and mourn..it was that paranoia that had him hurled over a toilet, throwing up after downing lean to drown out his hurt. To hear the constant voices that never quite went away, ringing in his head. Whether it was the delusions of his dead friends, comments made by some random who swore they knew his life; plagued by the memories of being coerced into sex before he was old enough to buy alcohol from women who had no business with him, but knew he wanted to make it big or his subconscious saying to end it all..that he’d no longer feel guilt, sadness, anger…all of the emotions that kept him up at night. The ones that refused to let him sleep and nearly made him do something stupid. Lying next to his beloved (y/n) as you dozed peacefully..the many of nights he contemplated leaving because he’d never want to bare you with the burden or trauma of finding his body because he followed in the footsteps of his fallen brothers. He loved you so much that he couldn’t ever dream of causing you that type of pain. You’d never understand what he felt and he didn’t want you to..he wanted you to remain blissfully ignorant to what went through his mind. But when he stood on the balcony leading out of your shared bedroom..glaring aimlessly to the ground below, he wanted to put a stop to it all. That was until he felt the gentle touch of your hand spreading across his bare chest..arm wrapping around his torso with your head pressed to his back. Entangled in your warm embrace and love, like a wilting rose trapped within its vines trying to save it. Hearing you whisper in the faintest voice.. “it’s okay, I’m here..you don’t have to do it alone.” It was then that he realized, you knew. You knew his pain, his sorrow and still, you remained..ready to carry those burdens with him. Turning around to sob into your shoulder and apologize as you both sank to your knees and you held him close. Having that safe space to fall apart and be pieced back together by the love of his life…it was then that he could finally..truthfully answer:

“Yeah..I’m happy.”

#eren imagines #eren jaeger x black reader #eren x black fem!reader #eren jaeger x reader #eren x black y/n #eren drabble #eren fanfiction #eren x reader #attack on titan eren #eren angst #aot angst #aot au #aot x black reader #eren x black yn #eren aot #eren yeager angst #eren jaeger #shingeki no kyoujin eren #x black reader #black y/n #black reader insert #black fem reader #black fanfic writer #black fanfiction #angst drabble #black reader #this made me cry #it’s so back to the filth and funny stuff after this #i am so sorry #aot imagines

[ladythornofrivia]

my heavenly salvation

Pair: Levi x Reader

Warnings: This series is going to be contain with fluff. Too much fluff. And smut. With mentions of self-harm, mentions of depression. Inspired by the Titanic movie. MDNI, NSFW

A/N: Hi guys! Sorry I didn’t pay attention enough to my blog aside from reblogging everything I see that’s new, especially when it comes to anime. The greatest gift ever is to escape from reality and write fanfic stories here on Tumblr.

(Please report if anyone decides to steal/plagiarize my work and notify me. Thank you.)

Chapter I

A New Beginning

Next Chapter

It was that midday. On that midday—chilled and under substance of weariness came to light when you stepped out of the cramped space with an extension of your hand stretching towards the driver’s hand to escorted you down from the carriage, staring at the glorious—rather gloomy—weather with 100,000 people compacted at every street corner, people waving each other farewell, others have an under inspection of clean hygiene. Then the departed ones kissed and hugged their loved ones and embarked on the grandiose ship.

Goliath.

Goliath is a ship that stretches 1000 ft. 10 inches—all crisp and sharp colors of red, black and gold protruded over a sullen day.

It was that day.

That day you’re going off to a different country to be wedded off to the great Zeke Yeager, the man who belonged into a clan of Eldians. Eldians are anything but elite people who holds more jewels, crown, gold and diamonds than any Marleyans and the poor could ever afford. They owned several mines and tobaccos across the peaceful land. Since the success battle between Eldians and Marleyans has been the greatest rivals since the dawn of time, things have escalated when the usurper, Eren Yeager, destroyed the Marleyans with an undercover invasion. Paradis, an island of Devils, overtook the headlines and marked into the history within the Marleyan lands.

It wasn’t all what Eren Yeager did. Secrecy is just as deep and thick as one’s blood that Eren isn’t willing to share on what he did to gain riches and status. And how Zeke Yeager got the title as a king to Eldians baffled you. In your heart, you knew, even your family and servants knew, Zeke Yeager is born as an Eldian—a commoner, but in the once rich land of Marleyans, served under Commander Magath, as the Eldian Warrior.

Warriors. Nothing but grueling, war-hungry freaks, thinking what they do is best for everyone when they have forsaken at their most vulnerable moments in mankind. You hated war, no matter what kind. It’s always the same thing. In the history of time and space, all people ever do is hate one another, it’s what they’re always good at—no hearts to spare, not even a shred of kindness. People are afraid to understand beyond their comprehensions and decided to take it by force.

More so, eternal power and fortune, to remain as untouchable. Humans craved it as a source of validation—their pleasure and a wanting of an endless gift.

It baffled you to the idea where lies are just a gain of source for the Yeager brothers to achieve their goals in one fell swoop.

The Yeager brothers are clever. So clever it froze you into thinking of a never-ending “what-ifs” and scenarios in your stable life.

You were fine with the idea of being spinster, until your dearest mother proposed the idea of you to be shipped off to see Zeke Yeager and wed him before the Goliath arrives at the new Eldian land that the Yeager brothers established after the Rumbling they called on years ago.

You weren’t just some old horse to be put down and casted off when humans so desire. You have a heart with feelings and distinguished ideals. A bird is a bird that meant to be freed off themselves from the nest and gain gift and glory to the best of their lives with a spread of their wings, no matter what kind. That’s the hope that you’ve longed for. But your mother has the extreme case of putting your ambitions and wishes, down and dead, by calling you “a silly little girl who knows nothing about the real world,” with a haughty laugh.

Despite your mother’s guttural, uppity laugh, your ears deafened at the sound of Titans’s feet crushing upon ruins and fire. You were scared before; cherishing one’s life after being born is the greatest gift to ever exist, but to be stripped off underneath the Rumbling’s stampede was another. You could hear your dead friends running and their bones crushed with their last teardrops stained into your memory. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, yet somehow, you survived. With life moving forward, you found yourself floating and idle instead.

Titans no longer exist. But you’d rather be eaten and tear apart and stomped on than to be at the mercy of the Yeager brothers as a hollow self.

As an aristocratic Marleyan, you are born to be crowned with a blessing and a curse, filled with purpose and luxury. But to think your blessings will be outnumbered soon as soon as you stepped your feet into the ship of Goliath.

As soon as you enter the ship, your mother halted to your side and whispered, “There’s someone I would like for you to meet. Come this way; you shouldn’t make our honored guest feel uncomfortable.”

~~~

Levi Ackerman, a man with his youngish looks is tired of constant battles between soldier to soldier, enemies to enemies. soldier and titans. But this time, his battling with his last luck.

Beyond the crowd, Levi leaned his shoulder against the lamplight post with a cigarette in his mouth, the smoke smeared alongside the Goliath’s upon the bustling chimneys. Goliath’s a sight to behold. A commoner like him could never get onto the gigantic ship. He has no money to spare, not after the war he carried on as the last surviving member of his people—a lone man last standing amongst the pack of crowd, who have forgotten about the war that Levi faced and sacrificed alongside the people Levi knew.

Under his weary lids, upon the bluish-grey gaze of his narrow eyes, he examined the loved ones separating with tears streaming down their faces with their smiles quivered.

This is what they wanted to see.

If only they’re here…

In his heart, maybe, but the physicality on being here with him, watching the crowd, alive and happy, was something extraordinary and rare to behold.

If only Titans didn’t exist…

But if Titans didn’t exist, he would serve no purpose but to live his days in the underground—no air and sunlight, just people in the dark and make decisions that are undesirable and irritable—more so, irrelevant. Being a thief was challenging for him.

His love of cleaning is still there; he tidied himself through and through—effortlessly polished. Luckily, he didn’t need assistance; none of his eyes are damaged, neither his fingers chopped off. The only thing his body has damage is his left leg—though not severed or broken. He dislocated it from his last battle in his threshold with walls.

His cigarette burnt out quickly, thus nearly burned the skin on his fingers. His tongue clicked with annoyance, flicking the used cigarette off the ground and stomped on it.

Until now, his mind insistingly conjured up to the Rumbling. He didn’t want to look at the burnt cigarette, so his eyes focused elsewhere while his shoe deepened against his used smoke.

His eyes watched two lovers striding with giddy, who are also watching the folks climb onboard into the Goliath ship. Out of the blue, the young man got down on his one knee and pulled out the velvet box that contains a small diamond ring. The young woman caught on this and cried with happiness with her hands over her mouth, eyes glistening and knees shaking but kept herself with composure, but soon hopped with joy. Levi knew that the young woman would eventually say “yes”, and watched further as the young man spun his soon-to-be wife around as the crowd looked over and congratulated them.

Adjusting his cravat, as he was about embark his journey, a large colorful lollipop displayed before his eyes. Then a large shadow looming over him. A stink of breath drew closer to his ear, but not too close.

“Hey, little kid, you want a candy? Don’t worry, it’s free of charge,” a grating, raspy voice said behind Levi, laughing. Levi knew who it was. How did the clown survive from the Rumbling?

With his cane, his feet ambled briskly. He didn’t look who’s behind him, but he trudged into the crowd to lose the sight of a clown as the clown shouted in a slur that Levi doesn’t wish to understand or give his time for.

As he strode before the Goliath upon the thick spectators with ease, there were four men nearby shouting at each other about their gambling aftermath. Two of the men—Marleyans—wanted their tickets to the Goliath back, but unfortunately, the other two, who Levi assumes, are the Eldians—not born from Paradis—are shouting with their justifications. The golden tickets are on the table, to where the four men gambled. In a pure instinct, he grabbed the golden ticket with him and trudged his way to the bridge that was about to close soon within 7 minutes.

The inspector stopped Levi. “Do you have any diseases or bugs on you, sir?”

Levi looked at the crew member with a discern, nerving look in his eyes.

Realizing who Levi is, the crew member swallowed his fears, and in a low voice, his neck inclined forward and said, “It’s good to see you again, Captain Levi.”

Levi Ackerman adjusted his fedora hat. “I’m not the Captain anymore. I’m nothing more than just a passenger of the ship.” Then climbed onboard. As he traveled his way to the ship’s deck, he didn’t give so much of a wave, he lit his new cigar and watch the anchor and the rope lifted, ready to take off.

He wasn’t much of a person with goodbyes, but the sight of peace has taken its way to his heart with pride and glory, after a long road of betrayal, sacrifice and courage that solidifies and shaped on what he became as then and now.

Saving the land and the people is worth it.

Taglist: @galactict3a @f1yh1gh @colored-tr-panels @slay0368

#levi #levi ackerman #attack on titan #aot #snk #captain levi #levi x reader #x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #survey corps #levi heichou #smut #fluff #angst #anime fanfic #levi smut #levi attack on titan #levi ackerman x reader #snk levi #levi aot #levi ackerman smut #attack on titan smut #rivaille ackerman #aot x reader #snk x reader #attack on titan x reader #aot smut #attack on titan fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Hello!

I have a angst RoR request if you're up for it! So since Thrúd is also the daughter of Thor and Sif in some variations in Norse mythology, can I request a Thor x Siff reader where both of them are watching Shiva and Raiden's match in Thor's waiting room. Just like in canon, Raiden looses the match which means not only him but Thrúd also goes to Nifhel. Thor and reader then have to watch their daughter be wiped out of existence. Reader is in tears and watching the screen in front of her while Thor is silent but reader knows that he's both devastated and angry about losing his precious daughter.

So yeah, sorry my request is so depressing😢

-When you found out that your daughter had found the man whom captured her heart, you were overjoyed. Raiden seemed a little rough around the edges, but you could tell he had a good heart.

-Just like your husband, Thor, whom was a little less than pleased, not wanting his daughter to love anyone, not wanting to lose her to another man.

-Thrud was definitely a daddy’s girl growing up, even after she surpassed him in height and bulk, and Thor adored her to pieces, he had been wrapped around her finger since the day she was born.

-Unlike Thor’s own match against Lu Bu, whom you could tell left a lasting impression on your husband, as he had finally found someone to challenge him, a friend is how Thor explained the human to you afterwards, Raiden and Shiva’s match was much more involved, more intense.

-Thor was interested in Raiden, who was willing to do anything to win, even at the expense of his own body, pushing it beyond its limits and even more.

-You froze, your eyes widening as Shiva beat Raiden, but beforehand Raiden told Thrud to separate from him, so she isn’t destroyed as well.

-You could see your daughter hugging Raiden from behind, not willing to part from him and your hands came to your mouth, watching your baby disappear.

-Thor was silent, stunned stiff, seeing his daughter vanish, just like Lu Bu.

-While he shed no tears, Thor’s heart ached, the pain inside him was unlike anything he had ever felt before, hugging you close as you sobbed into his chest.

-His grip was tight, almost to the point of bruising, you could feel the trembling in his fingertips, telling you that he was upset, grieving over your lost child.

-You both knew the risk in this tournament, you knew that the Valkyries, Thrud included, also knew the risk they were taking in this battle of souls, and despite giving everything, they still lost.

-You would give anything to hold your daughter one last time, and you knew that Thor felt the same way, even if he said nothing, as you knew how much he loved her.

#record of ragnarok #ror x reader #ror thor #ror thrud

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless part 15, every single warning should be listed on this one

Warning/taking abt sh

Warning/taking about rape

Warning/underage drinking/smoking

Warning/talks about suicide

I think that's all but I'm not sure

Annaneth was standing behind the door, "Oh, hey. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored and also Kayla's looking for you."

"Why?"

"She forced Will to take the day off but he said you still have half a day in the infirmary so she's plotting to kidnap you."

"Course she is, um...Annabeth."

"Yeah?"

"Do you...know how to do eyeliner?" Nico asked fiddling with his fingers.

"Yup."

"Can you teach me?"

"Sure, let me guess Piper gave it to you?"

"How did you...?"

"I have my ways." Annabeth grinned before walking inside, "Why does it smell like smoke in here?" Nico ignored the question and handed her the eyeliner, "The first one easy enough, just getting the second one to match is annoying."

"Alright." Nico half whispered before being half pushed on the bed. Annabeth knelt down in front of him and started drawing a line.

"Nico stop moving so much, I'm on the verge of messing up."

"Shit sorry."

"I mean you'll be the victim."

"I guess so." The son of Hades laughed,

"I'll show you how to do it yourself in the mirror, anything else you want me to show you?"

"Honestly half the things in the box I have no clue how to use."

"Lucky for you I have nothing to do today."

"Thanks Annabeth." The two got up, walking towards the mirror but Annabeth tripped over something. "Are you alright?!" he asked kneeling down beside her,

"Yeah I'm fine, just what's this?" She asked not waiting for a response before lifting up the floorboard, the box had been left open and unlocked. "Nico what's this about?" The daughter of Athena sifted though the box seeing everything Nico had desperately tried to hide, oh shit, he thought to himself. "Nico why do you have alcohol and cigarettes hidden under your floorboards?" Tears fell from his eyes, his breathing was short.

"Please don't tell anyone." He curled up. Annabeth grabbed his shaking hand,

"I won't." She pulled him forward into a hug, stroking his hair.

"It... helps- me cope." Annabeth tightened the hug letting the small boy cry into her shoulder.

"It's not healthy but I won't judge, it's better than what I did. But how much?"

"Not that often, I'm... better than I was a couple years ago."

"When did this...?"

"I was maybe twelve, it was the only thing that made me feel okay. Then... something happened and... well I-I wasn't so keen on not being drunk or high while I was alone." She ran her fingers through his hair.

"Do you want to tell me or not?"

"What did you do to cope?" Nico asked desperately trying to change the topic, she rolled up her sleeve.

"After Percy went missing and when we all thought he died, I... almost jumped once."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"He'd been missing for so long, practically no hope in finding him. I was depressed and half dead, thought I would finish it off."

"What made you stop?"

"Someone else was there, for the same reason I was. We talked each other out of it, I'm so happy we could save each other."

"Who?"

"I'll let them tell you that story if they want to."

"It was around a year ago, after the battle of Manhattan. Got drunk and high, I was walking around trying to not feel anything. I could barely walk, got stabbed with a needle, woke up an hour later. Well I think you can put two and two together. Anyways can you please teach me to do makeup now? It scares me."

"Ghost king scared of doing makeup, sure let's go. But I'll be making sure you're okay and not getting addicted."

***

________

This and the last chapter we're meant to be one lmao

#percy jackson #nico di angelo #will solace #fanfic #percy jackson and the olympians #fanfiction #percy jackson fandom #solangelo #annabeth chase #pjo #percy jackson fanfic #percy jackson fan fiction #percy jackson fic #percy jackson fanfiction #percyjackson #Heros of Olympus #jason grace #hazel levesque #piper mclean #frank zhang #leo Valdez #reyna avila ramirez arellano #solangelo fic #solangelo fanfic #solangelo fanfiction

[pianocat939]

Hi hope it’s not to late to request some rise content ! Could I please request Yandere platonic rivals between Splinter vs big mama HCs fighting over the reader who was an old friend of theirs (that one episode when Splinter first meets big mama in his movies star days) before she/their moved away only to return years later ? Only if you want to of course 💗

Y'know that joke where Baron Draxum and Splinter are a divorced couple? Well this is literally it except it's Big mama and Splinter lmaooo

I made this comedic, but I think the rivalry point still stands

Tw: Honestly this is just funny shit, minor brit slander, mentions of manipulation, MC lowkey feels kinda hopeless, mentions of past depression

Brits in a Pub

"Yeah and this really nice person close to the manhole, next to Big Mama's hotel, fed us some pizza!" Mikey cheered, clapping his hands together.

Splinter showing some interest replies, "Seems like you had fun, boys." His body sags on the recliner chair, like a potato on a pile of dirt.

"Oh, and they apparently moved back to New York City to see their old friends, Lou Jitsu and his girlfriend." Donatello adds, scrolling through media on his phone.

The lair goes silent as if provoked by Donnie's comment.

The purple-masked mutant looks up from his device, confused. "What? I thought dad might've known who th-"

"Y/N!" Splinter yells, bouncing up from his chair. He rushes forward to Donatello, gripping the turtle's shoulders. "Where did you find this 'person'?!"

"Um dad, Mikey already told you."

——————————————————

Big Mama sits at the very top stand of the Battle Nexus arena, looking down below. "Ooh, I think is going to be a very interesting fight~" She grins, showing off her fangs.

"My lady, we've received a message from an unknown sender. It was addressed to you." A staff member walks in, holding a laptop open. "The sender goes by the name Y/n."

Big Mama whips her head, all six of her ruby eyes glowing with joy. "Y/n? Why I haven't seen them in years!" She scurries over, a pair of arms taking the laptop.

An e-mail is present on the screen, stating:

'Hey, Big Mama. I know I moved away a long time ago, and we haven't spoken since, but I moved back and I was hoping we could catch up sometime. I heard you're a grand hotel owner now so if you're free, you could pick us a place to eat. After all, you probably New York City better than me now.

(Yes I know you're not human)

Your friend, Y/n'

Big Mama slams the laptop shut, her arms wiggling in excitement. "We need to make a reservation at the finest restaurant in the hotel! Oh and make sure it's a private room, I want no distractions!"

——————————————————

The Hamato family stands in front of Y/n's house, the late night sky hiding their identity.

"I'm sorry, you and Big Mama accused each other for the reason this Y/n person left?" Leo moves an eyebrow muscle, confusion apprent on his face.

"Well I say it's her fault but yes, we did." Splinter answers maliciously, arms crossed over his chest.

Mikey, as if offended, dramatically puts a hand on his chest, mouth agape. "Dad you shouldn't be saying things like that! Maybe they just wanted to get away from New York City."

"Yeah, it is kinda tight and smoggy here." Raph adds, staring up at the house before him.

"What can we say? New York, what a town~" Donnie wiggles his fingers and spreads his hands apart, like raining glitter over a piece of paper.

Before Splinter can reply, the group notices two of Big Mama's servants open a door for someone, seemingly welcoming a VIP.

"Hey, it's the pizza giver!" Mikey points out, realizing the identity of the mysterious person before anyone else.

"Blue, quick! Open a portal!" Splinter commands his son, a new energy rushing through his old and small body.

Leo holds his Ōdachi out, slicing an electric blue portal. "On it dad!"

——————————————————

"Hello darling! It's been so many years~" Big Mama hugs Y/n, her human form miniscule compared to her yokai form. The other hugs back, smiling.

When they pull away Y/n scratches their head, chuckling nervously, "Yeah it is. It's weird but good to be back in New York." They freeze before asking themselves, "I never told you why I moved away did I?"

The silver-haired lady shakes her head, her the frames of her glasses gleaming in the light.

"Well I moved away because I got a new job, and also 'cause I felt like I was invading your relationship." They frown a little, glancing away from her view.

Shocked, Big Mama questions, "Invading? How so?"

"I was always with you guys and you kept fighting for my attention so I thought I was ruining your relationship."

Ruin? No certainly not. If anything, the reason she was blinded to force Lou Jitsu to fight for the Battle Nexus was because her beloved friend left.

"The depression both me and Lou got after you left was horrible, we were so heartbroken."

"Speaking of Lou, where is he?"

"Um, we split up, and then he was transformed into a rat mutant."

"I-"

"But, enough of that, we have much to catch up on!"

She leads them to the private area, an unchanging grin on plastered on her face.

——————————————————

On the side of a doorway, the five mutants discreetly hide, trying to get into the restaurant Big Mama and Y/n currently reside in. "Sneak in, boys. Sneak in." Splinter whispers, his snout scrunched up.

"We almost have the perfect angle, only seven more seconds until we can infiltrate and hide." Donnie confirms, his goggles shading his eyes.

"6."

"5."

"4."

"3."

"2."

"1-!"

The ninja glide in, finding different items to shield themselves.

"This is an order for Big Mama herself, don't fuck it up mate." A chef states, handing the plates of food to a waiter.

"After it!"

They tail along, awkwardly tracing the same route as the waiter. When they arrive they stop right outside the door, back in a similar position from before. As the waiter leaves, they slip in before the door shuts.

Inside Big Mama and Y/n are chatting up a storm, like all those years ago. "So I was hiring this new broadcaster the other day and-"

"BIG MAMA YOU LIAR!" Splinter screams, his short height towered by the table. The turtles stand behind him, looking at each other to know what to do.

Y/n stares back, holding a glass in their hand, "Lou?"

"Oh why isn't it my little snuggle muffin! And his sons." Big Mama claims in a cheerful tone, but drops it at 'his sons'. She walks up to them, hands at her hips. "I am not a liar, Lou. You're just judgemental."

"No! You are the reason that Y/n left. You manipulated them into hating me!"

"No. Darling you scared them off with your dreams of becoming even more famous than you already were."

"Guys can't we just sit down and enjoy the-"

"Then explain why they didn't tell me why they left!"

"Hey, I-"

"Shush, you little rat!"

"Says you spider Mama!"

While the ex-lovers argue the brother head over to the table, reaching for the food.

Raph asks for permission, "Hey can we have this? Since they're arguing and all?"

"Yeah. There's plenty of untouched food here." They push a few plates forward to them, sighing in defeat.

"Don't mind if I do, haha!"

"Thanks!"

"If it satisfies my specific palate then yes."

The boys munch on the food, giggling occasionally. Meanwhile Y/n holds their head in defeat, not enjoying the situation. "Looks like it hasn't improved since I left. It's like they were raised in a pub full of Brits..."

(No I am not guilty for Brit slander. You know who you are.)

——————————————————

I'm so proud of myself. I got this done in 2 hours. Which is a record for me.

I know the ending is comedic but I really went for the rivalry part more than anything.

Also one thing, why are people suddenly saying my writing style is good??? Like, did I make people worry or something?

- Celina

#yandere #yandere x reader #Yandere rottmnt #rottmnt x reader #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the Tmnt #Tmnt 2018 #Yandere splinter #Yandere big mama #splinter #big mama #platonic #rivalry #Help I am not used to such affection

[berrystiles]

Take Me Back To The Night We Met

Pairing: Steve Harrington x fem!reader

Word Count: 10.2k words

Content Warning: Major Character Death, explicit language, a lot of angst, underage drinking, mentions of depression and grief.

Summary: Set after season 4. In that final battle Steve sacrifices himself so everyone else can live, leaving you behind to reflect on various points in your relationship and how the hell you’re supposed to live in a world without him.

Author’s Note: Inspired by the song “The Night We Met” by Lord Huron. No use of y/n. This is my first time ever doing a Steve fic, or even a reader pov fic so please be kind. I am also so so so sorry for this. I cried writing it, but I just couldn’t get the idea of my head. My friend is the one who convinced me to post this. I didn’t really have anyone else look over this so any issues are my own and I guess just let me know if you see anything that needs fixing!

Ao3 Link - in case you would prefer to read it there.

I am not the only traveler

Who has not repaid his debt

After what will later be called the end. When the ash from the Upside Down stops falling. When the sky is no longer coated in red. When the nightmare sound of lightning and the ground shaking doesn’t wake you up. You stand at the end and somehow you are still alive. However, it doesn’t feel like you won anything. This isn't the victory you envisioned when you sat in Hopper's cabin and talked strategy with your friends, most of whom still haven't even finished their first year of high school. You weren't stupid, you didn't walk into this final battle naively thinking that all of you would walk away. You've been too deep into this Upside Down shit, lost too many good people, to think that no one in that room was next up on the list of funerals you'd be attending. It's just, that this outcome, the one that you're standing in now was never really an outcome you allowed yourself to think about. You'd picture your death sooner than face this.

Your friends, the ones that made it at least, stand around you. Each of them wrapped up in their own state of being, each of them coming to terms with what should be the last piece of this seemingly endless battle. Nancy and Mike are tucked away in their corner of this field you all have managed to meet up in. They look more like the siblings they are supposed to be than you have ever seen them. If you were fully present, the sight might startle you due to how infrequently you see them in a moment like this, wrapped up in one another. Lucas stands to your left, and you can hear him taking in heaving breaths. If you were to turn your head and make some sort of movement to check on him, you'd see Max standing beside him with her hand in his.

Moving is too much though, especially when directly in front of you are Robin and Dustin. They cling together, dirt and ash covering their faces, their hair a mess. They stand in what should be a hug of celebration, one that should remind you of another time, a better outcome. This hug isn’t for comfort, there's nothing to celebrate. Instead, it’s muffling the sound of sobs, ones that shake Dustin's whole body and remind you so much more of Eddie's loss months ago, but somehow worse. You should be moving toward Robin and Dustin. You should be joining in the wailing, after all the loss they mourn is yours too. But all you feel is that same cold numbness that you have been carrying around for the last hour of this battle. You couldn’t stop, you didn't have a moment to even- you can't think that.

Can't focus on what you couldn't do because if you do... If for just a moment you allow yourself to be back in that space and at that time, you are not sure if you'll be able to leave.

There is a passing thought, so brief, that maybe you got this wrong. Maybe you didn’t survive this at all. It is a big maybe but somehow, it’s easier to think that maybe you are just a ghost in these moments. That you paid your debt back to the universe and it’s giving you a minute to see who survived. A parting gift before you join him and everyone else, but mostly him.

It is as that thought enters and settles that you think you can breathe again. The air that hasn't been able to get into your lungs feels possible. Which should make you laugh because if you are dead then you don't really need that breath, do you?

Still, it’s easier to believe you didn’t survive. That your friends are crying over your loss too. It's an outcome you could make peace with. Because if it's true then you won’t have to live in a world without him. Having to imagine that this next part is where you are supposed to figure out how to survive? Impossible. Not without him.

But then someone’s hand is on your shoulder. The weight of it is heavy and you feel that breath leave you because you can feel it, the pressure of the hand. Another person whispers your name, and that picture you briefly created loses shape. Any hope you had that you’d be joining Steve Harrington in whatever existed on the other side is shattered.

You feel your resolve break, and someone is screaming. The sound is guttural. It's deafening in a way that makes you think of El and makes you see windows shattering with the power behind it. You want to cry for this person because they lost someone like you. There's a deep sympathy that runs through you for them. It's only as someone grabs you, your legs giving out because of that shattered concept that you did live through this again. It is as you fall that you register there isn't anyone else screaming, it's just you.

Take me back to the night we met

October 1984, Halloween

You knew Steve Harrington long before you knew what a Demogorgon was or that the Upside Down existed. The perk, or downfall depending on who you were, of living in a small town like Hawkins is that you've been in school with Steve since the beginning. He may be a year older than you, but your paths still crossed, even in the elementary school playground. However, despite that you and Steve weren't friends, you were nothing but passing ships. Despite knowing him, you didn't register him and had no real reason or desire to if you were honest. The night you finally did take note of Steve Harrington as more than just a self-proclaimed king of your high school was Halloween 1984.

As usual, Tina is throwing a party. Another day when her parents are long gone from Hawkins and her need for popularity demands that teenagers should enter her home and destroy it. It's not the first party Tina's thrown this year and it sure as hell will not be the last. You may not be on Tina's level of popularity, but you do okay socially. Your friends have demanded to make an appearance at the party. The idea of passing up free beer, and the chance to catch the attention of whoever their recent crush is too much to pass up on. 

As usual, they drag you along, and it is fine. Because while you may not have the same motivation as them to attend you do love Halloween. You are too old to trick or treat, so at least this is a chance to dress up and have fun. After all, these are the best years of your life, as your mom continues to remind you. So, you took the time and went as Jo from The Facts of Life. Which honestly was one of your favorite shows, only to have your friends all ditch you by the end of the night. Which also meant, you were stuck walking home... alone.

As annoyed as you are, you are also the one that after a cup or two of whatever that punch was, was pushing your friends toward the boys they had been eyeing all night. Let it be known, you were a good friend you thought to yourself as you started walking towards the door. Plus, you're also a little thankful for some of the alcohol still coursing through you because, at the very least, it's giving you the warmth you need to push outside and make the trek home.

As you’re breathing in the fresh air, finally free from the cigarette smoke inside, you hear the signs of someone else taking in deep breaths. Curiosity will always be your downfall, at least that's what your grandma tells you, but so what you like to know what's going on.

You look to your left and you are surprised to see Steve Harrington. Not that you thought he wouldn’t be here tonight or something. After all, you had seen him earlier though he seemed much happier then. What is surprising was that Steve was swiping at his face like he was trying to wipe tears away. But that would be impossible because you had a bet going with Robin Buckley from band that Steve didn’t have feelings. This new development meant you were going to be ten bucks short the next day at school if you decided to share what you saw.

Maybe it’s the alcohol or the surprise, or maybe you are just a good person. Whatever it is has you stepping towards him. “Are you okay?”

He’s obviously not, but you are kind enough to give him an out, and maybe you’re hoping he’ll take it. You didn't sign up to be the one comforting King Steve, but there's just something so depressing about a boy caught crying to himself outside of a party. Not that you had much experience with the picture before you, but this was feeling depressing. Steve must be surprised by your question too because your voice makes him jump, and he's coughing like he wasn't just crying.

"Me? No yeah, I'm fine, totally fine." You find yourself raising a brow and the alcohol has you feeling bold. "That sounds like a load of bullshit," Steve frowns at you, his mouth opens, and you are pretty sure he's about to start arguing with you. But you press on because you haven't let a man talk over you before and you're not starting tonight.

"However, despite it sounding like bullshit I will refrain from further questioning." You pause a moment before smiling in what is probably coming off as less charming and more chaotic, "You're welcome!"

You don't hesitate after that, you have done your due diligence, and you are free to go in your opinion. You are hoping down the front steps of Tina's house when Steve calls after you, and you're surprised he knows your name. So surprised that you miss the last step and tumble to the ground.

"Shit!" Steve yells out and you stare at the sky, the stars look nice tonight you think as you hear Steve approaching. "Are you okay?" The original question of this whole exchange is now turned on you, and you can't help but chuckle because this is so stupid.

You, partially tipsy and laying in Tina's yard, and Steve fresh from crying asking if you're okay as he hovers over you. "I'm cool," you assure him as you go to sit up. "Isn't the first time I've fallen and knowing my luck it won't be the last." You're thankful for your costume which has layers that took the brunt of it all, and the grass in Tina's yard that softened the rest of your fall.

You dust yourself off and it's in your peripheral that you see Steve is still hovering. You heave a sigh, and it probably comes off like you're exasperated at his mere presence, but for once that's not how you mean it. "Steve, really I'm okay stop looking at me like you just tried to mortally maim me or something." It's enough to get him laughing now, and you try to hide your smile because you can't be so easily charmed by Steve Harrington, you won't allow yourself.

Except then he's asking you if you're driving home, and you're not going to lie to him. So, you tell him about your plans to walk since your ride took off about an hour ago. Steve scoffs at the idea of you walking home and mutters what sounds like a remark about your clumsiness making the act of walking home impossible. Then he's walking away, and calling back to you, again using your name which you're still confused by, and telling you he's going to take you home. You think maybe the fall gave you whiplash or something because this all feels just too much. However, the alcohol is wearing off and you're cold and a little achy from your fall. So, with no fight and without trying to pretend you don't need his help you're climbing into his car.

The car ride is quiet at first, just small questions from Steve so you can direct him where to go. The heat is on, and you hold your hands in front of the vents. Steve takes a right at your direction, and it's silent again but not for long. "Um, can I ask a question?" You stop yourself from being cheeky and responding that he did just ask a question. "Sure," makes its way out of you instead and later you'll be proud of yourself for sounding so calm as you said it.

"Do you think if someone says something to you when they're drunk, they mean it?" You look over at him, his hands clinch the steering wheel, and he actively avoids looking over at you. Tomorrow the pieces of this puzzle will slot together, and you'll recognize this question as a driving force behind what had upset him earlier. For now, though you don't catch the connecting pieces. Instead, you hum and think to yourself, really rolling over the question before providing your answer.

"You probably won't like this answer, but I have to say I don't have a lot of experience with that situation." You pause, collecting all the scattered thoughts, "But I think that maybe they do?" You wish you sounded surer, but really, you're just not. "I guess it depends on the person, but at its core alcohol lowers inhibitions that's why people do stupid shit. Maybe it lowers the walls enough for people to be honest, even if they don't mean to be so... well I guess mean about it."

You spare another glance his way. You catch Steve nodding along to your words, something in them must be what he was looking for, or maybe he was just afraid of accepting them. But all he says is, "Thanks." It's the last thing he says as he pulls into your driveway, and you're again confused because you never said which house was yours. Your brows scrunch together, as you climb out of his car. You go to shut the door, but another pause, and you dip your head back into the warm car. "Steve," he finally looks at you, a surprised look taking over, "whatever was said, maybe just ask the person about it before you get too stuck in that head of yours." You smile, and he manages to match the look, his eyes are soft as he stares at you. "Thanks for the ride, Harrington." You close the door before he can reply and skip to your door.

When the night was full of terrors

Junkyard, November 1984

You don't talk to Steve Harrington again after Halloween, and maybe it's for the best because the whole experience just felt unreal to you. Hawkins is still Hawkins though and you see Steve sure enough, and you don't take offense when he doesn't acknowledge you. The rumor mill at the school tells many versions of Steve and Nancy's fight at Tina's party. You keep quiet about the parts of the puzzle that you walked into as you were leaving. It's not your story to tell, and honestly, it's Steve and Nancy's business when it comes to what happens next.

So, you move on with your life like the whole car ride home thing never happened. You keep your ten dollars, and never tell Robin about how Steve Harrington is capable of human emotion. It's your secret now, and you'd rather keep your money. Steve Harrington and you will only ever have that moment on Halloween, or so you think. Instead, the world has other plans for the pair of you.

Later you'll look back on this night as one of the dumbest decisions you have ever made, but in the moment, it felt like a good option. Your bike, the literal only means of transportation you have, has decided enough is enough and it's putting up a permanent strike and the bike chain it needs to function is breaking. You're pissed and frustrated because this means you either need to pay for a new bike, pay for a stupid part that will be way overpriced, or you're stuck walking everywhere.

You choose option number four, which is walking to the junkyard and just finding a piece you can salvage. You're positive there will be some old bike that you can take a part from, no one will miss it after all. It'll save you some money and will be a quick solution to your problem. In theory, it’s a great plan. The issue is that you can't let go of this idea which leads you to the junkyard right as the sun is setting. It's going to be a chilly night, and the fog is already rolling in making it hard to see. Which isn't great because the junkyard on its own is already a creepy place to be, but tonight it's weirder and it smells like gas. You wander around, muttering to yourself about finding a bike quickly and potentially running home.

You're moving close to the bus because some bikes seem to be stacked up near it when you hear a growl from somewhere in the woods. Indiana is not supposed to have deadly creatures lurking in the woods you remind yourself, but still, you turn around. The damn fog has only gotten thicker though, and you can't see shit. Someone grabs your arm and yanks you back, you go to scream but their other hand clamps over your mouth. "It's okay, you're safe," the voice tells you but that's what all kidnappers say you think, so you lick the hand covering your mouth, which is enough for them to drop it.

You don't plan to die without a fight, so you're quick to turn around and punch your assailant, however, your fist stops midair because your supposed kidnapper is none other than Steve Harrington. He wipes his hand on his jeans a disgusted look on his face, "Steve?" You look around and take note that you're in a bus, a bus that has three pre-teens also inside of it. "Is this some weird kidnapping thing, because I'm not okay with this." Steve looks up at you quickly, "What? No, what the fuck?"

Once you are assured that the kids are there of their own free will and this isn't some wild ploy to sell you on the black market or kill you, you start to settle down. You take a seat next to a kid who introduces himself as Dustin and immediately wants to know how you know Steve. "Feels like the wrong question to be asking, dude." Steve sighs and it sounds like this line of questioning is one he's been dealing with all day.

It's an opening though, and you explain your presence in the junkyard, and while they are all hesitant, they do tell you why they are all huddled inside of the bus. You don't get it, something about other worlds and monsters and people with powers. It all goes over your head, and you're pretty sure this is some elaborate prank, and you don't really have the patience for it all. You're about to yell, about to stomp right out of that bus, when the kid they called Lucas yells out that there's something outside. Steve and the other two kids are at the window peering out before you can even respond, and the curiosity kicks back in and sweeps out all the anger you had building up.

You slide in next to Steve and peer out into the night. Everything changes after that, because suddenly the monsters are very very real and very much trying to eat you. And Steve Fucking Harrington, just waltzes on out into the night like he's fucking invincible. It's all so ridiculous, but you're in it now and even when you have the chance to walk away you just can't. When you think about doing it you think of Steve and the way that bat twirled around. You think of these stupid kids you don't even know, and you just can't walk away. You say as much and start to head off in the direction of these things they all plan to chase.

The night is a blur after that, finding Nancy and Jonathan. Getting taken to the Byers and learning that the police chief is aware of this all too. Meeting the one with powers, who is also a kid, and was thought to be dead. You couldn't make it up if you tried, and you're not sure you want to. Once everyone is split up, Steve and you are left with the kids. You try to be helpful, but this just doesn't feel like enough.

When the kids get the idea to go into the tunnels you find yourself siding with them, but Steve is so stupidly adamant that no one is leaving the house. He looks like such a mom at the moment, and more of this picture of who you thought Steve was shatters. There's no more arguing though because Billy Hargrove is suddenly showing up and it's an all-out brawl. You're thankful your dad taught you how to fight. It comes in handy tonight because while Steve might have been doing well in the beginning, he's slowly lost his leg in this whole thing.

You'll be damned if you just let Hargrove kill Steve, not when you're just starting to finally like the guy. So, you do what your dad taught you and you land a punch of your own, just enough to distract him. Enough to lead him away from Steve. So, what if there's also some satisfaction in making the hit? Hargrove has been a dick since he showed up and you don't feel sorry for hitting him. You do however start to regret those actions once Hargrove makes it clear that he doesn't care that you're a girl, he'll gladly turn you black and blue if you're in his way. Billy starts to make his way towards you, when suddenly Max is plunging a syringe into his neck, and any momentum he had just takes him down to the ground even harder.

You'd love to say you kept up with Steve's mothering ways while he was passed out, but you were all too happy to pile into the car with the kids. The issue is you don't know how to drive Billy's car, it's a stick and you only know automatic at this point, which left Max as the only option. Her driving leaves little room for comfort. There are no other words to describe it except for wild and terrifying, and yet, it led you closer to Steve which led you directly to your happiest points it just took some time to get there.

Because after that night in November your life changes, but then it also doesn't. You're let into this whole other world, all the dirty secrets that Hawkins has been hiding over the last year are now known to you. Despite everything you saw and did, you still have to show up to school on Monday and pretend like nothing has changed.

You spend your days smiling with friends, keeping this huge secret from them, and then your nights are spent lying awake and being a little haunted by those monsters in the tunnels. You close your eyes and instead of running around you and Steve, they rip you apart. You always wake, gasping for air, and spend the rest of the night staring at your ceiling. You don't know who to talk to, because honestly, you're not friends with Nancy or Jonathan, and they weren't there when it all happened anyway.

Most of the people that were there are still children, pre-teens sure, but still not responsible for being your outlet. The only option left is Steve, but there's this overwhelming weight that settles in your stomach when you think of approaching him. Because things with Steve are weird after that night. You have memories and imprints of him holding on to you, you helped him clean and bandage up his face, and the last time you really slept was with your head on his shoulder as you all waited for everyone to return to the Byers' house that night. When it was all said and done, once he was back at his car, he gave you a ride home, smiled at you, told you goodnight, and then he was gone.

You spent that weekend wondering if when Monday rolled around Steve Harrington would even acknowledge you. Or maybe just like Halloween, this was just a brief moment that the two of you shared that you will never talk about again.

When Monday did come, he didn't ignore you, but he didn't approach you either. He smiles at you from across the hall, raises his hand, and gives a little wave. Your friends spend the rest of the day asking you about the small moment, and all you can do is shrug because you're not sure how to label it.

So no, you don't approach Steve about your nightmares. Steve and you are small waves in the hallway, passing smiles, and deep secrets that neither of you even mentions. You wonder sometimes, as you stare at your ceiling if he's stuck awake and thinking about this weird cycle the two of you seem stuck in.

The cycle keeps going, until the Snowball dance, where somehow you got roped into borrowing your parents' car and taking Max to the dance. It's there as you're saying goodbye and throwing up two thumbs up that you see Steve sending Dustin off through the doors. Maybe it's the distance or the fact that you're both alone again, but you gather your courage and do something different. You call his name, you both smile, and you ask if he's hungry.

From that night on, Steve and you are more than passing glances in a hall. The two of you are weekly dinners at a diner on the edge of town, you are night drives and late phone calls, you are movie nights, and the additional babysitter to the pre-teens. It's a new cycle, one that your other friends don't get, and you don't know how to explain, but it's a cycle you love being stuck in.

I had all and then most of you

Summer 1985

Time moves on from winter to spring, and when summer finds you it's easy to think that last fall was the last time you have to worry about being anything other than seventeen. Somehow through it all, in a move that no one saw coming, Steve Harrington worms his way into your life and somehow becomes your best friend. It turns out that when he isn't pretending to be something he's not, when he's not worried about carrying the crown that was placed on him by his peers, Steve Harrington is all too easy to be friends with.

In the months following the Snowball Dance, the two of you spend an enormous amount of time together. You do end up confiding in him about your nightmares, and he shares about his. It's the two of you, and sometimes it’s also just the dynamic duo of being the babysitters of all the pre-teens, that are suddenly just teens. You have inside jokes, and the teasing nature of your conversation becomes more fond than annoyed.

So yeah, when summer rolls in and Steve is forced to find a job after he graduates, you're right beside him for moral support. He lands a spot at Scoops, and you're a couple of stores down working at Camelot Music. You spend the summer riding back and forth together when your schedules line up. Breaks are spent skipping into Scoops and watching as Steve continuously strikes out with what seems like the total female teen population in Hawkins. It helps that your friend from band, Robin, is also working there so you both get to tease Steve together. On days off the two of you are still spending time together most of it trying to escape the heat by swimming in his pool or taking small drives out of town and trying to see something new.

And it's fine, really. You have nothing to complain about.

Except... for a tiny little thing. It's the middle of summer, and you're about 90% sure you're in love with Steve Harrington. The same Steve Harrington who is your best friend, the same best friend who definitely does not feel the same way you do, so... that is kind of a problem.

It's just difficult. Because in the same way that it was so easy to be friends with him, it is even easier to love Steve Harrington. You're not sure if anyone has ever told him that before, given what you know you would wager no one has. And as much as you want to tell him, as much as you want him to stop chasing after all these girls who can't even see him, you are not willing to lose him. Because that's the other thing that you are almost positive of. If you tell him how you feel there is no way to come back from that moment.

So, you sit in the back room with Robin, the window open so you can see Steve in the front. You watch him flirt with girl after girl. Watch Steve smile and joke and laugh and pretend like your whole stomach isn't churning with jealousy. You sit in his passenger seat, windows rolled down and radio on, and try not to stare at the way he smiles at you when you sing along. You make great efforts not to just sigh in what you’re sure would sound like love when you watch him mother hen these teens that have somehow become both of yours. Again, it's all fine you repeat to yourself as you watch the gang of teens push their way past Steve as he sneaks them into the back hallway so they can get into a movie. You feel like maybe if you repeat it's fine enough eventually it will be.

When Dustin returns and shares the radio interception with you and Steve, things start to take a drastic turn away from fine. Apparently, it is too much to think you can just be seventeen when you live in Hawkins. The only difference between now and last fall is that you're dealing with Russians instead of monsters, and you get pulled in right at the beginning, instead of just stumbling into it all. At first, it's fun, you come in on your breaks, and when you're done for the day, you help where you can. You get a good laugh out of both Dustin and Steve mistaking the pig Latin for Russian. It's easy in those beginning moments to feel like the whole plot all of you are working on uncovering is so far away from Hawkins. You feel safe.

You feel safe at least until you're passing a quarter to a frantic Steve, and you learn that the Russian plot is a lot closer to home than you thought.

Your guard starts to go up after that moment, but you're not backing out now. That night when Steve drives you home, after dropping off Dustin he pauses in your driveway and tells you that you don't have to help. You would take offense to it if it wasn't for the way his eyes were all soft as he looked at you. Maybe there would have been a biting comment, but he's picked up your hand, fingers are intertwined together and you're more stuck on how well his hand feels in your own to start a fight.

You take a deep breath, swallow down your feelings, and give what is probably a shaky smile, "You're stuck with me, Harrington. I won't scare away that easily. What are a couple of Russians compared to weird deadly monsters?" Your question gets the exact response you wanted, a quick and cheeky grin that is all Steve and means trouble you've learned. "That's true," his voice is low despite it just being you two in his car. His eyes glance at your hands, still together, and he gives yours a squeeze. "Don't tell Henderson, but if I had to uncover a secret Russian plot you would be my first choice, Bee."

It's not the first time you've heard him use the little nickname he has for you, but just like the first time it causes your stomach to do a full turn and you feel like you might just choke on your feelings right there in the passenger seat of his car. You've been good about keeping your eyes on him, but you have to look away, and you bite your lip to just give yourself a second. A soft huff of laughter does escape in the end though, and you squeeze his hand back. "Your secret is safe with me.”

You think that if you were anywhere else but this tiny car it would probably be hard for him to hear you. There's another pause, a silence that sits heavy on you, and the air feels tense like it can sometimes get for you both. It's in these small and rare moments that you think about the what-if of it all. What if he did like you? But then, Steve clears his throat and his hand escapes yours. "I'll see you tomorrow then?" Your smile feels tight, but you've practiced it so much that it comes out like it's easy, "Tomorrow, definitely. Night, Harrington." The use of his last name is for you, it puts some distance between the affection that sometimes escapes when you use his first name. You're out of the car and to your door before he can say anything else and… it's fine.

When you see him the next day it’s just like it always is. Like his car wasn’t full of just something right on the edge just the night before. And just like always, you burst into Scoops, lucky to have a day off and pretend like you always do. That your feelings are those of only the most platonic nature. It’s helpful that the same day Robin, and somewhat you, manage to figure out what all the little sentences you’ve translated mean. All the different spots in the mall are connected, and it leads you to the next step in the process which is gaining intel. The four of you manage to sneak onto a roof and watch over a very shady exchange with some men who should not be holding weapons to just drop off products. When you all duck down, as you’re tucked away on the end by Dustin. You look over to make sure everyone is okay; you watch as Steve and Robin’s hands unclasp. You try to shake off the sick feeling that bubbles up, and the four of you take off before someone comes up to investigate what all the noise is about.

The next day brings a full shift over at Camelot that you cannot get out of. It’s busy so even during your breaks you don’t have the time to go over to Scoops. Which is fine because you just need a second before you go over there. Just some space to sort out the crazed scenarios your brain created all night long. Pictures of Steve and Robin together, take up all the free space in your mind. You are all too aware of how ridiculous it is, but you just can’t let the idea go. It’s only after your shift is over that you wander over to Scoops, only to find that somehow Sinclair’s sister has been dragged into this operation. Dustin comments on how it’s about time you showed up, and Steve smacks him on the head and tells him to stop being a little shit.

Robin slides over and whispers that she’s glad you’re here, “I don’t think I could spend another minute alone with the two of them.” Some of your thoughts start to drift away, you internally remind yourself again that you’re being silly. “I wouldn’t miss being here for anything,” you remark, a smile firm on your face and it feels right like you aren’t lying. Later, you’ll want to smack yourself because the whole sentence is a set of shitty last words if you’ve ever heard them. You’ll wonder if you doomed everyone by the statement.

Getting stuck in the elevator was one terrible thing, and in the moment of it all, you have a hard time imagining it gets worse. Of course, it does get worse because this is Hawkins and apparently you and your friends are now stuck saving the world on a regular basis. You hate that Steve, Robin, and yourself have been caught but there is a comfort in knowing that at least Dustin and Erica are safe. You don’t understand the questions the Russians are asking, and why they don’t believe that you work at a record store. Not knowing where Robin or Steve are being kept and what’s happening to them, is the worst of it though. You feel like you’re at the end of your rope. You’re tired and scared, but you try and stay strong. You spew words like venom the longer the questioning goes on until finally you’re thrown into a room with Robin. Steve, who looks even worse than he did last year after his fight with Billy eventually joins too.

Any resolve to keep your shit together goes out the window as you call to Steve to wake up. When you hear him groan relief floods over your body like a bucket of water being poured over you. It’s the easiest you’ve been able to breathe since the elevator doors wouldn’t open. The three of you try to plan an escape, but the limited mobility and lack of coordination make your escape complicated. You feel like a third wheel as you lay on the ground next to your friends. It’s not the time or place for your insecurities, but Robin’s speech has them coming out. You’re quiet as she talks, quiet even more as Steve’s additional silence hangs over all three of you.

You can’t stop them from injecting you when the guards return to the room. A part of you wishes it was easy to break out of this situation like it is in all the action movies that you’ve seen. Eventually, though a sense of ease settles into your bones and you’re laughing with Steve and Robin, taunting guards, and forgetting all about the additional insecurities you had just moments before they injected you all. There’s a piece of your brain that recognizes this is what the guards want, but it just all feels so- insignificant.

Your limbs are heavy as Dustin and Erica try to hurdle the three of you out of captivity. You bounce around in the back of that car, hitting the sides as you turn corners in a way that you know will leave you with bruises tomorrow. Steve is pressed against you too though, and somehow that makes the blows even softer. The drugged-up version of you finds it freeing to not be so restricted by your anxious thoughts. You lean into Steve and his touches as all of you move through the theater. You rest your head on his shoulder as you try to understand what this movie is about. It’s not the way the ceiling of Starcourt shines and moves that makes you sick in the end. For you, it feels more like all the cells of your body are just overwhelmed and short-circuiting from all these emotions that swell inside of you.

Confessions slip out from all of you in those bathroom stalls. It feels like a moment, one that chains the three of you together in a way that you can never escape from. Unlike the confines the Russians had placed on you, this imaginary chain isn’t one you want to let go of. These are your people, and you love them. It doesn’t matter that Steve can’t love you the way you love him, it doesn’t matter who Robin loves. These are your people and as you all sit next to one another on the floor of the bathroom, laughing together, it feels like you will never have to worry about losing one another. Future you will think back on this moment and wish harder than you ever have that you could just transport yourself back there. If the DeLorean did exist you would gladly take it back to that moment, and you never would have let yourself leave it.

The night never stops being a nightmare, the terror of seeing the Mindflayer in person will keep you up for months after Starcourt. You will pour over everything you could have done to try and change the outcome of the incident. You will spend spare moments reaching out to Max only for her to push you and everyone else further and further away the longer time goes on. You will fret and worry over the lasting trauma all of this will take on each one of you as you get older.

Eventually though, like all things with the Upside Down do, the feelings will lessen. The nightmares will get farther and farther away from you. And in a turn of events even better than you could have hoped for Steve and you will move from just being friends to something that is so much more than your mind could have ever created. You’ll get to a place where you’re able to tell yourself that all of you are going to be okay eventually. That all of this is finally over, and sure you have lost a lot and there are still people to pull back from the edge, but all of you might end up being okay.

Some and now none of you

What instead happens is that a pattern of you being wrong about the Upside Down continues. Everything gets worse and this time you don’t even have half the team you’re used to fighting with. Instead, those of you left behind in Hawkins must scrape together and try to defeat an even bigger piece of the Upside Down puzzle that is Vecna. It goes even worse than it has in the past. You lose another friend, and you all come out with physical and mental scars that don’t feel like they will heal this time. Even worse, is that this time there is no reprieve to try and heal or move on. While parts of the team do come back, you’re all scrambling to try and figure out how to move directly into the next phase of the battle.

Your timeline in what you all hope is the last phase of this is shorter and yet longer than any you’ve worked with before. Waking hours are spent at Hopper’s cabin, each of you doing what you can to get more insight into what you’re dealing with. Hawkins continues to meld with the Upside Down in a way that feels too similar to that first fall you became involved in all of this. The only thing holding you together during it all is Steve, and a part of you knows that you’re the only thing holding him together too. While your days are spent at Hopper’s, your nights belong to Steve. The two of you cling together and sometimes it feels like if you could make it out of all of this the domestic bliss you create at night could be your future.

Midnights are spent curled into one another. Faces flush and warm with love, lips swollen from deep kisses, bodies aching in a way that shows more of how you two try to become one and less about the physical ways the outside world has harmed you in the past. Here in the cocoon of your shared bed, you two whisper out future plans. You talk about escaping after this, leaving Hawkins, and finding a new place to call home. You dream of tiny apartments decorated with secondhand furniture, a space in the future where Steve and you get those six little nuggets, he talked about so long ago in that stolen RV. Kids that look like Steve, that’s your hope, but Steve is so quick to share how he hopes they look exactly like you. Tucked in the small spaces of the night, blocked off from the rest of the world, the two of you allow yourself to sink into this future. Others might warn that doing this would be torture because nothing is guaranteed. But these moments are the only thing keeping you together, and Steve himself even shares how this is sometimes the only hope he has that all of you can make it through this. So, other people be damned, you will keep planning a future with Steve because that’s the only future you want to be a part of.

When the final battle plans are complete, and you’re all geared up again and everyone knows what their role in this is, that’s when things shift. You don’t place weight on how the night before could be the last one you share with Steve. The two of you seek comfort from one another like it might be the last night on Earth, but you don’t talk about the what-ifs that could come from tomorrow.

The last ounce of peace you have isn’t even that peaceful. Your body shakes with anxious energy and Steve can feel your heart racing as he tightens the vest you wear to hold your weapons. “You don’t have to come,” he tells you and it sparks the memory of so long ago that moment in his car. You want to tell him that he doesn’t have to go either, but you both know what his response will be to that. Your smile is soft, “You’re stuck with me, remember that Harrington.” You get just the reaction you wanted, just like you did on that summer night so long ago. Steve takes your hand and kisses your knuckles softly. Neither of you is the same person you were in his BMW all that time ago, but that’s okay you think.

“If I remember correctly, you don’t scare that easily?” His voice is thick, and you think if sound could have a taste his words would be sweet and sticky like honey. “Good to know all those hits to the head haven’t affected your memory too badly,” you tease. Steve doesn’t even take a moment to laugh like he normally would, instead the soft look he gives you turns serious in a way that you’ve come to recognize. “There is no memory where you are involved that I could ever forget, Bee. Doesn’t matter how many hits to the head I take, you’re too unforgettable.”

In another life, the two of you would be able to just be two not-so-teens anymore in love. You like to think that there isn’t a world out there where Steve and you don’t find one another somehow. In this universe, though both of you carry too much, and not for the first time you find yourself silently wishing there was a way you both could run from this. That’s not who you are and it’s not who Steve is. You pull Steve close and kiss him for what could be the last time, “Don’t do anything stupid out there, we have a future to get back to.” Steve makes no promises, but he kisses you back just as fiercely, the kiss only breaking as Hopper calls everyone to come together to set the plan into place.

At first, the plan seems to be working, and all of you are fighting harder than you ever have. There’s a moment where you think to yourself that you all could do this. Allowing the thought to take root though is a curse because everything falls apart after it. What advantage you had is quickly taken away and the battle starts to feel more like you’re all doomed. Those who survived and were there will later tell you all the little things that happened next. Mostly because you make them tell you because it doesn’t matter how hard you try the next bit is a blur. One moment you’re there and fighting, and watching as Steve takes down another creature, and the next you’re hovering over pushing compression after compression into his chest like if you do it enough you can bring him back from the dead.

Steve dies in the only way you imagine the universe would ever let him leave so young, saving you and everyone else. Because of course Steve sacrificed himself, as he always tends to do because no matter how much you loved him it would never make him feel like he wasn’t the most expendable person.

You feel bitter and angry at Steve for being so careless with his life. You want to rage at the world, and every single person who contributed to this existence you must live in. You think if Dr. Brenner were still alive Hopper might have to figure out how to get you out of murder charges because you don’t think you could stop yourself. Worst of all, you hate yourself because, in all the futures you ever allowed yourself to imagine, you never thought you’d have to figure out how to be without Steve.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

The aftermath is that the rest of Hawkins gets to move on. They figure out a way to rebuild and pave over the deep cracks left behind. They put up a statue in the middle of town, and have a plaque dedicated to “everyone who lost their lives in the tragedy”.

The Harringtons learn about the death of their son over the phone because they refuse to come back to town. You hate them and wish they were the ones who were dead and not Steve. It makes you feel sick to hold on to so much anger, but you just don’t know what to do with it all. You feel like you’re constantly on the edge of some cliff just waiting for the wind to knock you over.

It's you and the ones that survived that end up holding his funeral. His parents don’t even want to hear about it. The only thing that their absence allows for is for you to sneak back into his home long after he’s gone and seek comfort in the room that became both of yours in that last week. Everything there smells like him and when you’re there you can pretend like he’s still here with you.

Time even in that false reality is limited, and you don’t care what the Harringtons will do. You’re not even sure if they would notice, so you buy totes and pack up his clothes and his belongings. You let Dustin and the kids come in and take a part of him so they can remember him. Robin says she doesn’t want anything and that she’s just here for moral support. But then you find his hat from Scoops. The only piece of his uniform that survived. You pretend you don’t notice her pocketing the object, and neither of you talks about it.

You barely manage to graduate. You think you get a pass only because of the tragedy the town has seen. Your parents want to move, the town still feels cursed in their eyes and it would be an easy way out, but you just can’t. You’re eighteen at this point and they can’t force you to follow them, so they just say goodbye and tell you to call if you need anything. You find an apartment in town and move your stuff and Steve’s into it. No one says anything at first, but a month later Nancy feels emboldened to ask if you think this is okay. You hate how your only response is, “No, I don’t think it’s okay that I have to be mourning the loss of my very young boyfriend thanks for checking in, Nance.” No one says anything again after that.

What you learn during this time is that grief is fucked. Depression and trauma in a world where you can’t talk about it is also shit. You force yourself into therapy but you can’t be honest and so it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. You quit that after a few weeks.

Hawkins feels haunted. You see Steve everywhere you go. At the diner where you spent all those late-night dinners together. In every movie that The Hawk advertises, in the halls of the school when you’re still there, you see him in the streets and the people. Nowhere feels safe, and you can’t stay in your apartment forever. All you want to do is leave this stupid town and never return. But then you think of the kids and your friends who survived and the thought of leaving them behind feels like you’d be letting Steve down. It doesn’t matter that you both talked about leaving, it still feels like you’d be disappointing him. So, you keep living in this town that makes you want to die and as the months continue to go by you start to question if this is even living.

And then I can tell myself what the hell to do

When the one-year anniversary comes around you still feel like you’re stuck in the same spot Steve left you in. It doesn’t feel like you’re living. You get up and go to work, plaster on a smile, and pretend like things are fine. You carve out time to be with your friends, who may still be a little haunted but have been able to move on in ways you can’t.

It’s Dustin who shows up at your apartment the day of, some excuse on his tongue about needing a ride somewhere and you’re his only hope. You’re not sure if Dustin drew the short end of the stick, or if it was a strategic move because you can’t say no to him. There’s also the very real possibility that Dustin could have volunteered because he’s the only other person besides Robin who knew Steve the way that you did. It turns out Dustin was just there to lead you to some intervention in the Hopper-Byer household.

Your friends are gathered up, even Hopper and Joyce are there with sympathetic eyes that whisper out apologies. Dustin is the first to speak, his words hold so many emotions but are blunt and to the point, “You need to leave Hawkins.” There is no room for debate as he explains that Steve wouldn’t want you to be stuck here. “Anytime Steve would give me a ride somewhere we’d always drift to talking about you. I think Steve didn’t know how to not talk about you after he met you,” Dustin has to pause and clear his throat. “Steve would talk about how one day both of you would get out of this town. He’d tell me that the world was too big, and you were too special to just stay here forever.”

Nancy reminds you about that conversation in the RV that feels more like a fever dream than a reality. About Steve’s desire for six nuggets, which just reminds you of late-night conversations about children you’re never going to have. Nancy also tells you about a moment in the woods that you didn’t know even happened. How Steve thanked her and told her about how he was able to change to be someone who deserved to be with you. “He loved you,” her words are so soft you barely hear them. “He would want you to be out there enjoying the world. He would hate that you were stuck here, stuck in a grief that you’re never going to shake if you continue to stay here.”

Hopper and Joyce are next, and it seems that they worked on what they wanted to say together. While there are parts of it that sound like Hopper, this speech feels 100% Joyce led. Hopper and Joyce talk about moving on and how you can’t do that if you’re stuck in the same place that took the person from you. Joyce shares about how moving to California was necessary for her to be able to move on. Hopper gets more emotional than you’ve seen him as he talks about his battle with grief. “I don’t want you to fall into the same shit I turned to just because you’re still stuck here, kid.” He’s moved to stand in front of you at some point and he hugs you, his final words are whispered just for you, “It wasn’t your fault, you don’t have to keep punishing yourself.”

Robin asks if you remember being in that bathroom at Starcourt and reminds you of the question she had asked Steve. Once you acknowledge that you do remember that she tells you that she’s been keeping a secret from you for a long time. “In my defense, he asked me not to tell you, and then you guys got together, and I didn’t think I would ever need to tell you. I thought maybe it would be some weird story I edited together and told you at your wedding.” In true Robin fashion, her words are quick and rushed together, but you’ve had years of experience following whatever Robin was talking about. “I know we both thought he meant me, but after everything, while you were being looked at by some EMT he told me that he was talking about you.” You feel confused, and Robin presses on, “Steve thought I should know since you know it led to me sharing my secret. He didn’t think you felt the same, he didn’t want to risk your friendship, so he didn’t tell you. He loved you, so much, and now you know that he loved you for longer than you even knew.”

Everyone left takes a turn, going through with their observations about your relationship with Steve. How Steve changed when he was with you, how you brought something to his life that no one else had. “You made him feel like he was easy to love,” it’s Max who tells you that. There’s something about the way she’s looking at you, the way she directly knows how Steve probably felt like he was impossible to love. The trauma of relationships with shitty parents and how it scars someone too universal for her not to pick up on how much your relationship meant to Steve.

It's the last piece that crumbles any resolve you had. This mask that you’ve been wearing for the last year, the shell you built around yourself to stay safe is falling apart. You feel broken in a way that feels like when you lost him, but also feels new because the truth is Steve changed you too. He’s left a mark on your soul that you will never be able to erase. Even with him gone you still feel like this string is attached between the two of you. You’ve spent the last year wondering if you pulled hard enough on that string that he would come back to you.

You’ve spent a year dreaming up with ifs. What if you could go back and tell yourself to not even go to that junkyard. Would that change things, would Steve still be here? It makes you feel so immensely guilty because it should have been you. It’s this weight you didn’t know you were carrying and once you say it you can’t stop. Over and over the words tumble out of you there in the living room of the Hopper-Byer house. “It should have been me,” you feel hollow as you manage to make the words. Someone scoops you up into their arms, “He wouldn’t have wanted it to be you.” They tell you over and over again, and you don’t believe it, but you want to.

Somewhere in the weeks after the intervention the feeling of not being able to leave starts to fade. It’s slow at first, like when the ground starts to thaw for the first time when the sun shines after a hard winter. It’s enough.

And it’s as you hug everyone goodbye and promise to call that you think maybe you can breathe again. It’s as you cross the now leaving sign for Hawkins that you think maybe Steve hasn’t been haunting you, and if he was it’s only because maybe he’d want you to move on or at least get out of there.

#Steve Harrington x reader #Steve Harrington angst #steve harrington x y/n #major character death #I am feeling very nervous about posting this #it's kind of vulnerable to post your story here #sorry for the pain if you read this #but I hope you like it anyway #posting this and then running away from the internet for the night #watch no one read this at all #steve harrington

[lady-of-endless]

It's me and I am so excited for KNY Matchup! I'm an adult, She/lady, Taurus, Demisexual.

165cm, I'm chubby, but that's purely because of my medication. I have shoulder-length light brown hair and my prettiest quality are my green eyes with dark rings called limbal rings around my iris.

I have depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and Asperger's Syndrome, so I'm pretty weird or I have weird habits. I'm a kind polite person and all I want to do is to please, help, and make people happy. I love receiving praise for a job well done and being spoiled. My dream is to be loving Housewife like Okusan and always be there for my loved ones.

I love slice-of-life series (Okusan) and writing, but I write out of reverence.

I'm a very sweet easy-going person, but I can stress and worry easily. I have a habit of apologizing for nearly everything, be it an apology or just me being polite. I tend to blame myself for many things that don't necessarily have anything to do with me.

I absolutely hate yelling, shouting, and arguments, they make me so upset and anxious, I try my best to prevent them. If the bad situation continues I may lose control over my feelings and take it out on myself in the form of pain. I don't want to worry or bother anyone.

I'm naughty, but I do have a small fear of touching due to a trauma, like hand-holding, hugging, and worst, kissing and such, but if I show affection first then I might be okay.

Thank you THOUSANDS TIMES, I hope this isn't too much info!

- Demon Slayer Matchup Trade -

Author's Note: Thank you again for the matchups you did for me, I'm still blown away by how amazing those were. I hope mine will make you smile at least for a moment! Have a lovely day! Hope you'll like it!

I match you with...Kyojuro Rengoku

(lovely gif is not mine, please show appreciation to the OP)

- He will be drawn to you because of your kindness and softness at first. It triggers something in him that makes him want to protect you. In time, along with that protectiveness, a wish to keep you happy is added.

- Thinks that your will to help and please others is such an admirable strength. Out of all, he understands the most the power of a smile and a kind heart in this dark world.

- However, he starts wondering one day if the joy you give to others is ever reciprocated. Kyojuro will blurt out "But who makes you happy?" You'll notice a genuine frown on his face when he asks you this. You're always careful with others but who is careful with your needs?

- Kyojuro praises you all the time and he does it so naturally. Not because he knows you're worthy of praise but also because he noticed how much you enjoy it. He also wishes to set your confidence ablaze!

- He's going to be fascinated by those limbal rings you have, especially when the sun illuminates your irises. Don't get startled when he comes closer to you without saying a word, only to look at your eyes. If you stare back at his eyes, you'll always see admiration in them.

- Kyojuro won't mind your habits, he's curious about them. As much as he'd like to ask you about them, he won't, not wanting to be more intrusive than he already is sometimes. He just can't help himself, wanting to learn more about you.

- He cherishes you and the way you ground him. He can get a bit reckless so your care for him makes him take a step back and think a bit. His wake-up call was one time, he gets severely injured because of him rushing into a tough fight with a demon. When he woke up and saw you next to his bed, all worried, and crying, he promised to be careful next time, for you. From that point on, his motivation when going into battle is to always come back to you.

- Everyone knows he's loud, himself included, but his favorite moments with you will surprisingly be those silent ones. When you both lay down on a tatami, your head on his chest, the sun caressing your face, hair, eyes. The warm light makes you look like a deity of the sun and he can't take his eyes off you. There aren't many things that leave him speechless but the feeling of having you close and the image of the sun shining on your features are enough to have him silent.

- The only time when you won't see Kyojuro smiling is when someone tries to wrong you or yell at you. You'll feel his presence behind you immediately. His eyes are burning holes into the one in front of you and a hand resting on the handle of his katana. That's enough to scare anyone away. No one will ever hurt you.

- One time, his haori got torn in a battle but it was a small rip he didn't notice. But you did, so while he was training and not wearing his haori, you took it and started sewing it. When he looked for it, he found you sitting on the floor, humming to yourself as you were fixing his haori. This will melt his heart. He instantly thought "I'll make her my wife one day."

- If the relationship moved fast because there wasn't a second in which he kept his feelings for you inside or even neglected them, him opening up about his past and family will take so much longer. Have patience with him.

- Once you flinched a bit the first time he wanted to caress your cheek, he understood why right away. It broke his heart. Kyojuro wants to ask about it. If you decide to tell him, he'll have to suppress and hide the fact that he's devastated. He will be patient with you, careful.

- However, when you get more comfortable with him and even more playful, he's so excited. Watch him blush, get flustered so badly, at your playfulness, not expecting it. You're going to turn him into a mess.

- Training dates would be a thing from time to time. He is very good with positive reinforcement so you will enjoy those. He will also enjoy the way you push yourself and get a little sweaty. He might have to look away and take a little deep breath because you look so damn good when you're determined.

- He's going to present you to his younger brother after he told you about his family. Kyojuro would be so happy to see you two interact. Two of the most precious people getting along.

- It will be a challenge if you wish to keep the new relationship secret from the the other hashiras. He has a burning desire to show you off because he's so proud of meeting someone like you and being able to have you as his partner! Plus, your clothes will always smell like fire and the others will know why.

- The other hashiras will always have to listen to him boasting about how amazing and lovely you are. Some will be exasperated, some will be happy for him to find happiness.

Runner-up would be: Genya (aged up, of course) because he'd get similar feelings to Kyojuro, being attracted by the same characteristics you possess. However, he would be way more shy about it. He too would fall just as hard but unlike the flame hashira, Genya will bottle everything up and overthink it.

#matchup trade #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer matchup #rengoku kyojuro #kny

[fiddlesticksmcgeetheunnamed]

Hey tumblr I have to get something off my chest.

trigger warnings now: suicide/death and the effects they have on people close to them

This morning my parents told me that someone I knew passed in an atv crash. I’m not going to use names or pronouns for privacy reasons.

my heart goes out to the family because this person was still young. But as soon as I heard, I thought of my first internet friend.

I met them on a fan fiction website and a few months later they told me they were struggling with depression and bullying. I tried and tried to tell them that I cared about them and how much meaning they had in my life, but in the end they lost their battle. I will never forget them.

I have heard too many stories of people committing suicide and what effect it has on the people around them. You really have no idea just how much you mean to people until you lose them. Even complete strangers may mourn you.

For anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. You may feel vulnerable or helpless but you are so deserving of love, even if you don’t believe it. Think of the people here on this site. Think of everyone who had ever interacted with you. They will mourn. They will blame themselves.

My heart breaks for the family of my friend, and I will make sure to give them the biggest hugs next time I see them, because there is nothing worse than losing someone prematurely.

I love you guys please be safe and I hope you have good days <3

#tw death #tw suicide #tw depression #tw mental health #be safe

[hannaweeen]

My Life: Lead Up To My Diagnosis.

I thought I would share this as it may help others to relate, as well as help me process the lead-up to my autism diagnosis. The battle I went through, and the ultimatum.

Young Years/Toddler: (age 4 till 8)

being extremely clingy to mum, and would hide behind her

was shy of everyone

hated being touched, and would hurt people who invaded my space.

hated hugs

read the same books & did the same activities over and over for comfort

quiet

felt alone, and depressed. didn't understand why.

had a few very close friends.

Child ( 9+)

extremely blunt, rude, outspoken had no filter

argued with everyone (for dopamine?)

wasn't liked by classmates for this

suffered from nausea before school, and threw up a lot from anxiety.

had intense hobbies

copied others to 'fit in'

would have panic attacks but didn't know what they were, never told anyone

High School Years

Argued and fell out with almost everyone

Started self-harming, and feeling suicidal.

Had one or two very good friends who understood me.

Didn't fit in.

Referred to CAMHS and school counsellors. Didn't listen to my concerns or feelings about my MH, and told them something was going on more than just anxiety.

Anxiety and panic attacks crept back in at age 14.

Tried hypnotherapy, which cost my mum a lot. She was desperate to help me during this period and keep me in school.

Attendance plummeted, went home 'sick', and avoided school.

Felt like a failure. Bad grades, no matter how hard I tried. Cried and had meltdowns a lot, just didn't know it was a meltdown at the time.

Didn't understand what was 'wrong' with me

Couldn't do exams in the big hall. Had panic attacks and had to go into a small room to do them.

Sixth Form/University. (16-20)

Sixth form/College aged 16:

Yet again had no friends, no matter how hard I tried.

Kept to myself. Had awful attendance, again.

Had to do my work from home by the end of the second year.

Couldn't handle going in.

Started local counselling, but felt like it didn't help.

Started my first job with the public, only lasted a few weeks as I felt stage fright talking to people. Couldn't handle it.

Did work experience at college, which lasted 4 hours. Went home crying from exhaustion, thought I was just anxious and lazy.

Easily manipulated and love-bombed by others. University:

Never went in. Submitted work. Got good grades despite this.

Refused to do group work.

Felt locked in a prison by accommodation, made no friends and fell out with the ones I had.

Thought I had BPD.

Dropped out of university.

19+ Adult Years.

Ended an abusive relationship.

Obsessive intrusive thoughts started. Had a breakdown and spent time in a mental health ward.

Still didn't understand what was "wrong with me".

Anxiety and depression are at an all-time high. Suicidal.

Tried to work again, lasted a month.  started having heart palpitations there, and had the stage fright feeling again.

Got into self-employment.

At around age 21, my sister's boyfriend brought up that he thought I may have autism, due to my lack of joke understanding, sarcasm and bluntness.

As I and my family looked into the symptoms more, we realised I could. My mum referred me to be assessed.

If you would like a post about my assessment, let me know and support me, please! https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hannaween

#autism #late diagnosed autistic #autistic adult #actually autistic #autistic

[phoebenpiperx]

I found out today a former castmate of mine "lost his battle with depression". While I hate that phrase when it's used for cancer, I really like it for depression/suicide because I feel it sums up the struggle!

Depression's a fucking bitch!!!! Big hugs to anyone who's currently fighting the battle--please ask for help if you need it!

#i miss you mario #i will always remember our silly spamalot days #tw: depression #tw: suicide

[tteokdoroki]

waves that hurt | k.bakugou + i.midoriya.

♡ pairing: katsuki bakugou x gn!reader x izuku midoriya.

♡ word count: 3.04K

♡ rating: everyone.

♡ genre: pro hero!au, hurt, angst and comfort.

♡ summary: dark days mean dark waves that crash across your mind, intrusive and mean the waves pull you under— but they are the helping hands that pull you up and let you breathe.

♡ warning(s): please read ! heavy tw for depression, intrusive thoughts and self depreciation, self doubt and low self-worth. this fic is written mostly from personal experiences and may not be accurate to how everyone feels! mentions of therapy.

♡ author’s note(s):  this is my contribution to @doinmybesthere​ ‘s mental health awareness collab, this is kinda personal to me and something i experienced recently!! i hope it can provide some comfort to anyone out there, please don’t forget to check out everyone else’s works and i hope you’re all safe ‘n well <3

♡ masterlist | requests | kofi

“kacchan, it’s much worse this time, i really think you should come home early tonight.”

deku whispers into the phone, his marred hands rub slow and soothing circles into your back from over the duvet— you can feel his warmth, light and airy through it but he feels and sounds much further away. a million miles across a dark ocean that trickles through your thoughts, intrusive and mean, keeping you under and away from clear air.

you wouldn’t want to pull him into this, bother him with the way you drown in dark thoughts— so you pull away from your boyfriend and tuck yourself away into the sheets.

izuku doesn’t retract his hand even as you pull away, listening to katsuki grunt orders down the phone— make sure yn’s eaten, make sure yn’s had water. basic things you should be able to do on your own but can’t, paralysed by the anxiety and depression that clamps down on you like a vice and refuses to let you up so you can just breathe. you want to breathe and not feel like the world is crashing down on you, to have a second to yourself where everything seems like it’s okay.

brushing fingers over the nape of your neck, toying with the coils of your baby hairs, your boyfriend speaks, only gently. “baby,” says quietly, his weight causing the bed to dip. “katsuki will be home soon, do you want to come with me to let him in?” you shrug, a sick feeling twisting in your gut. you see the black tendrils and waves in the back of your mind, bringing forth a new batch of ugly words that force you down. are you really that much of a burden these days that katsuki has to call it quits on work for you? “how are you feeling?”

you don’t know, you don’t know how to tell him that every thought you have hurts and there’s a pain in your chest with every breath you take. “i don’t know, it’s just...bad izu…” you want to explain how you feel deep inside, but the words are trapped like balls of tar in your throat— fear that if you say something he’ll walk away.

“you don’t have to say anything, don’t force yourself to…” he speaks with a soft voice, cotton to your ears in an attempt to soothe you. you can just about feel the clean air flowing through your lungs at the sound— it tells you he loves you, no matter what and you almost believe it before sinking back under. “let’s get you some water okay? wouldn’t want kacchan scolding us would we?”

the joke hangs in the murky and heavy air for a few seconds before you muster a small smile— your green haired boyfriend lets out a tiny sigh of relief and pressed a kiss into your hairline, the affection simmers under your skin and briefly brings light to your dark mind as izuku starts leading you to the kitchen.

you’re curled up in izuku’s lap when the front door pops open with a click— signifying your other boyfriend had arrived home. you flinch, hiding yourself in the blankets keeping you warm and locking away the dark thoughts from the eyes of your lovers.

part of you hated them seeing you this way, that’s why you forced yourself to keep everything away from them— but they knew, they always did and always came to your rescue. you didn’t want them to feel like they had to look after you when the days were bad and draining and your mind took hold of everything that you felt. you didn’t need the weight of your own problems on the shoulders of two pro heroes who had enough to deal with.

in the end, you would destroy them like you did with yourself.

you can hear katsuki shedding his gear by the door, feeling his intense and heated presence flood the room and barely penetrate the barrier you created for yourself even while you lay in izuku’s arms. for as long as you’d known the two— even from back in your U.A days, bakugou had hated self-pity, of course in recent years he’d cooled down a little and spoke less on the actions of others but even still, you weren’t sure if you could handle him looking down on you for looking down on yourself and for feeling this way.

the blanket is suddenly lifted from your head, momentarily blinding you with the overwhelming light that is your boyfriend, katsuki bakugou. a twinkle of concern lines his ruby eyes and you can see traces of his charcoal eyeliner that he usually smudges underneath his mask— he’s so beautiful but you’re afraid of the twitches of worry, afraid that he’s mad at you for being the way you are.

“hey honey,” bakugou hums, crouching to your level to cup your cheeks, stress bleeding from his body when you nuzzle into him.

izuku gives you a squeeze, an encouraging one and you nod. “hi,” is all you can muster, afraid of blurting the intrusive words that crackle across your brain.

katsuki sits back on his haunches, looking between you and his boyfriend before he attempts to kick off his shoes. the room is full of a thick, ugly quietness that you know you’re responsible for— they don’t have to say anything, you know that it’s you. because when you’re like this it’s hard for bakugou and midoriya to talk, afraid that they’ll say something to set you off and you afraid that they’ll leave if they knew how you really felt. how trapped and alone you felt inside, how the twisted darkness added tones to your vibes and dragged you down with every step that you took.

they don’t need to say it because it flows from your body like a rushing river and drowns them, fills their lungs and it’s your fault for infecting them with your own bitter taste of life.

“have you eaten?” the blonde of the two boys asks, looking you dead in the eye. you want to answer, but again the viscous back from earlier starts to flood through your body. you try to take care of yourself of these days where you feel it the hardest, but it’s difficult to move and to breathe— and the drive to complete even the simplest of tasks is barely ever there.

you move to speak, caught up in the thick smog of your own brain when izuku gives your body a squeeze and shakes his head, the forest of his hair brushing against your cheek. “you’ve had water, right?” izuku has no problem answering for you. “but nothing to eat,” he whispers, keeping his voice low as if to hide his worry from you— it’s light in his tone but tremors throughout the number one’s body. you feel sick for making him feel that way.

katsuki’s gaze shifts back from his boyfriend to you, his expression unreadable because he knows how you get if they worry too much about you. you’re thankful, partly for that at least, his blank face prevents your mind from reading too deep into things and blaming yourself for things out of your own control.

“‘m makin’ your favourite for dinner. you’ll eat it, no questions asked.” the explosive pro hero states firmly, rising from his place crouched down by your side, obviously not before thumbing over your cheeks to wipe away evidence of your dried tears. “gonna run you a bath too, damn nerd better get you upstairs and ready by the time it’s done.” deku’s chest rumbles with a light hearted chuckle beneath you, lifting the heavy weight of the air within the room— bakugou had always loved brashly, with a fiery intensity that hardly left room for the answer ‘no��, and while izuku was more tame, they balanced one another out in a way that felt more like a warm hug than a battle. they grounded you, in the best of ways.

true to his disgruntled words, your blonde headed boyfriend runs you a hot bath. you don’t miss the addition of lavender oil to the perfectly warm water, the baking soda which you’re sure he only knew to add because his mother had said it would remove the demon spawn toxins in his body. izuku is the one to help you strip, holds your hands as you kick off gross comfort clothes and folds them away, after pressing kisses to your groggy face and chin.

it’s almost funny to see the two biggest and beefiest pro heroes sit on your bathroom floor crossed legged and beside the tub— both of them taking up the majority of the room. you know for a fact that no one would believe the sight unless they saw it, but they’re there. both of them, izuku midoriya and bakugou katsuki are with you encompassed in the silence while you wash away the ugly words that plague your mind and fill the pores of your skin.

they’re still there.

even as sweet lavender water moves in soft waves over your bare body, while black ink moves in the same way across your brain— tattooing self-depreciating thoughts into every inch. you’re not worth their time, they say, you’re wasting it. because how could their precious time be put to good use if you’re taking it up, they could be saving people but instead your boyfriends are here, drowning in your own darkness.

they’re still fucking here.

when they could be out there saving the people who needed it, who were suffering out there in the world outside of your home.

and the suds against your body, the warm water sloshing over your thighs isn’t enough to get rid of the burning sensation of vile phrases printing themselves against your body and clouding every thought that you think. toxic, mean and nasty things you can’t scrub away— none of it is enough to make you feel like you deserve bakugou tenderly lathering you up with the rose scented soap his mother had sent you for christmas or the sips of cool water midoriya brings to your lips in order to prevent you from overheating in the steam of the bathroom.

deku catches the painful twist in your face, pausing his movements to study you. “whaddya need?” you need it to stop, to find something to replace the pain and doubts that fill you.

“water, hotter,” you croak quietly, tears building up in the base of your throat as katsuki catches on and flicks the tap for a stream of hot water to fill the tub. “please,”

they tell you to let them know when to stop if the heat gets too much, but the scalding water burns away any reminders of the self loathing you feel across every inch of your mind, your body and your soul. it stings at the darkness in a way that’s painfully soothing and maybe if you sink under— it could stop hurting completely. if you could slide deeper into the water, would the waves of darkness not crash so hard?

and then the damn breaks, like a tsunami the guilt and anguish you feel crashes over your body and takes control, leaving you fighting for oxygen in the form of your happiness.

everything that you’d been holding back flows freely in salty tears from tired eyes, scorching a path down the apples of your cheeks and mingling with the contents of the tub below. your boys, they don’t notice at first, how you cry and curl in on yourself until you think the world won’t notice you anymore but then just as they always do, they’re pulling you into their warmth and bubble of light— freeing you from black intrusive tendrils even if it means they have to crawl into the tub and wade their through the ocean you’ve made to set yourselves apart.

“don’t—!” you heave with an uneven voice, signs of you falling apart evident in every way. bakugou and deku pull away from you slowly, with dripping shirts and worry written across freckled faces and red eyes. they’re scared for you, hate seeing you force your feelings down and away from them. “please don’t touch me—you’ll—“

the water in the bathtub sloshes from where you retract from their touch, backing yourself up against the wall and away from your boys. “we’ll what?” izuku presses but only gently, keeping you afloat, stopping you from sinking and bakugou stays put in his place, letting the latter talk you down.

you shake your head, trying to think of the right words but it’s hard to, with the crashing waves heavy against your ears. how do you tell your lovers that everything hurts, to think and to feel, to live day by day. you don’t want to bother them with and an extra stress to their busy lives. but you can’t keep it in any longer, bursting at the seams. “you’ll drown. i-if i touch you, i’ll pull you under, you’ll drown with me and you won’t be able to breathe and all those horrible things that i think about will burn in your lungs until you give up fighting like me,” your tears and hiccups interrupt your words, but they listen. bakugou and deku, they listen and they stay.

“yn—“

“because if you do, then all that i feel will be a burden to you— i’ll break in ways that can’t be fixed and you’ll be forced to pick up the pieces and i’ll just be a burden,” you continue, not even pausing to take a breath while you continue to cry. “if you stay to pick up the pieces, you’ll be taken away from people who need you, who are worth saving, and can be helped and—“

you can’t recount how many nights, similar to this in which you wondered why and how two pro heroes could want and love you, why they dealt with your down days that sometimes outnumbered the ups— even if they’d shown you how much they cared, you couldn’t help but feel guilty as if your sadness took up their time to save someone else.

“you can be helped, yn. you don’t have to go what you’re going through alone, you’re worth the time and the effort of helping, no one deserves to suffer,” the green haired of your two boyfriends cuts through the tail ends of your words, still keeping distance until he knows it’s safe to touch you again. there is no look of condescending pity on his face, no sign to show you’ve pulled him into the dark of your mind. it’s just izuku, trying to help you pull through.

you look to katsuki hesitantly, he hasn’t said a word. “but i don’t want to be seen as...as weak, or to worry you because i can’t get out of my own head—“

“y’not fuckin’ weak, we’d never think that of you. we see you try to hide your pain, pretend things don’t get to you when they do. but fuckin’ handlin’ things on ya own can make y’stronger than any two heroes combined,” a look of anger flashes across his features, finer with age and tired with work. but bakugou isn’t angry with you, but with himself for leading you to believe that you were an extra weight on his shoulders. both of their shoulders. “yer not gonna get rid of us or scare us away, we love ya, we’re here for ya ‘n if it’s help that you need or think yer not worthy of, we’ll find some. it’s okay t’ask for help.”

maybe it’s hearing it from someone else, that your pain and your depression is valid, that you’re not an extra weight on the people you love that allows you to come up from a tar-like ocean for fresh air in your lungs, for the waves to calm and the storm raging in your mind to soothe. maybe it’s the two of your boyfriends being there for you despite the fear that you’d scare them away with not being okay that washes away some of the awful things you think.

you know that their support won’t make things go away over night, that it will take time for you to heal but for now you can keep your head above the water just long enough to breathe.

“can i touch you now? is it okay?” deku asks, feeling less distant from you than at the start of the day, but as your body shakes with the last of your tears all you manage is a nod before the number one hero is pulling you into his chest from the tub and the number two is wrapping a towel and his arms around you.

you sit sandwiched between the two, they keep you at the surface— holding you tight while you let out what you’ve been holding back. “we can get some help if y’want it, the doctors...therapy might be nerve wrackin’...scary even, but it can help and we’ll be there every single step of the fuckin’ way,” katsuki reasures you with pets to your head, rocking you back and forth on your bathroom floor, steam clinging to the air that you can finally breathe.

izuku nods along in agreement, pressing kisses to your wet hairline. “we’ll be here. you won’t be alone.”

the murkiness of the water in your mind starts to clear, but only just— their warmth starts to push through the clouds like sunshine brushing against your skin. a light to the dark that's plagued your every waking moment, the waves no longer crash and destroy but instead lap comfortingly at your painful thoughts and tame them just enough for you to have a moment of clarity.

you don’t have to be alone or millions of miles away, you deserve the hands of your loved ones that offer you help instead of pushing them away. the process of healing and things like therapy or meds will be hard sometimes, but katsuki and izuku will be here by your side, to help you manage days where darkness rolls in waves that hurt and help you breathe once again.

#tteokdoroki #tw depression #bnhacity #🥂 — louvre’s angels #bakugou #deku #mha x reader #mha x you #mha imagines #mha fanfic #bnha x reader #bnha x you #bnha fanfic #bnha angst #mha angst #mha fluff #bakugou x reader #bakugou x you #bakugou imagine #bakugou fanfic #bakugou fic #bakugou angst #bakugou fluff #deku x you #deku x reader #deku fluff #deku angst #deku imagine #deku fic #deku fanfic

[clouds-rambles]

hello!~ o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

can i request headcanons for kaeya, diluc, childe, and venti on what they would while their s/o dies in their arms? (if thats okay with u <3)

thank u sm! :))

BESTIE THE PAIN I FEEL RN!!! Omw to make hurt some of my faves hope you enjoy <3

Also guys I’ve been here for a day how are there almost 50 of you following?!

Pairings; (Separate) Kaeya, Diluc, Childe, Venti x reader

Warning(s); hurt, big hurty, reader death, vague wound description, cursing, talk about dead bodies

Keep reading under the cut!

Kaeya

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. You were meant to live forever with him. You were supposed to grow old with him and become a parent to your future children. You were-

“Kaeya” you choke out smiling at your partner above you. The man shakes his head mentally pleading with you to not die “Kaeya I will always be on the wind” you tell him, a shaky, bloody hand raised to his cheek to weekly caress it

“Please” he pleads “Please don’t die on me [name]” you smile at him feeling the breaths in your lungs disappear

“I’m sorry Kae--ya” you apologise before passing away in his arms

He doesn’t move for a long time. He doesn’t feel for a long time. The one person he could share his secrets and his love to gone. Away with the wind

Kaeya doesn’t remember the last time he cried, but he’ll remember this one. 

Your beaten, bruised, broken, dead, and beautiful body slumped in his arms as his tears fall from his face as he feels an absence in his heart

How is he supposed to live on if this is the pain he feels right now?

Jean eventually stumbles upon Kaeya out in the wilds, still clutched to your now cold and even more lifeless body

Jean manages to get the man up with your body held close to his chest

“Jean, I can’t, I can’t let them go” he pleads as if he’s waiting for you to simply wake up in his arms

“Kaeya...” Jean says in a concerned tone having never seen him in such a state, even he seemed to quickly recover from his fathers death

Eventually Jean coaxed Kaeya to go back to the city and leave your body in the hands of the sisters. Where they dressed you up and prepared a funeral service for you

The funeral was larger than Kaeya was expecting, you had affected a many more people than he realised from your small jobs around the city. Kaeya can’t help but be awed at how many people you’ve helped while you were in Mond

The usual chatter of Mondstat is quiet and in a time of grieving for about a week or so, many people have wonderful memories of you and Kaeya seems to be collecting them all, that and bunches of flowers. Many of which find themselves laying on your tombstone as Kaeya tells you about his day

A month passes and it seems like everything's back to normal, Kaeya is back to his outgoing self. He spends more nights at the tavern, but even Diluc doesn’t have the heart to cut him off. 

Jean seems to pick up on the smallest things, goddamnit Jean, the extra nights at the tavern, the eyebags, the weeping she can hear from his room. In it’s own right is heart-breaking, the acting Grandmaster cannot imagine what it’s like to be actually experiencing that kind of pain

-

Diluc

No, not like this

You had both decided that night to join each other in your little vigilante escapade. Which was fine you had both done this before, but tonight resulted in something very different

Here you are, head on Dilucs lap. This could be considered romantic, and often was, were it not for the fact you felt like you choked up a mixture of your lung and your bloody supply

“Diluc” you speak with a much worse for wear voice, the red-head looks into your eyes, eyes already gaining moisture. A similar scene has befallen him before, a Diluc knows how this ends

“Please” he pleads his voice wavering “Please don’t leave me” he chokes back a sob and tears fall off his face the salt hitting your own

“I love you so much” you start, Diluc shakes his head. Must you hurt him so with last words? “Don’t blame yourse-” another set of hacking befalls you as you lose more blood

“Please” he pleads again as the grip you had on his arm goes slack indicating your loss of life

Diluc screams, he cries and he hugs you close. He screams into the air of Mondstat until his voice hurts and he cries until all he’s doing is dry sobbing and he holds you close until you’re broken body is pried from his own broken mind

A wondering Jean heard his screams into the night sky and hereby answered them. She never expected to see Diluc, still in his vigilante getup, crying over your body

She calls for more guards who take your body from his and Jean helps Diluc get back to the estate. At one point during the walk Jean can feel DIluc shaking and hyperventilating. So they stand for a moment, Jean holds and comforts the wine-master before they move again

Jean has never seen such emotion from Diluc before, and she wholeheartedly hopes she’ll never have to see it again. Seeing Diluc so raw and rife with emotion is enough to make anyone cry. And Jean nearly did on more than one occasion.

Your funeral is small, much to Dilucs request and really only were attended by the estate and Jean. Diluc didn’t want to cry again in such a large audience

Though the maids often hear pained sobs coming from Dilucs room as he contemplates and often blames himself for what had transpired. Maids daren’t speak up about what they hear though, Diluc’s pain is more than understandable

Diluc throws himself into work opting to man the bar most days of the week and fighting for the city as often as he can. People around him are more than concerned

Diluc’s stoic nature seems to be intensified now, not wanting to let another person in and die in his arms. He’s seen enough death for his life and wishes not to lose more loved ones

Everything seems to have moved back to what life was before you arrived in your life, depressive, monotonous, boring, mundane for the most part and sad. So very sad

He wishes for a day where his heart isn’t strife with grief, but he doubts that day will not be coming anytime soon

-

Childe

You grin up at him, feeling close to naught pain coming from the gaping wound thanks to the excess of adrenaline that’s pumping through your body

“Childe” you say the smile still on your lips in an attempt at not making the situation as dark and horrific as it is. Childe speaks your name in return

“I love you” you tell him mustering the strength to cup the mans cheek, who immediately nuzzles into it. The situation almost doesn’t feel real to him. He’s going to be shaken awake by a very unwounded you in just a moment and inform him he’s having a nightmare

But that moment doesn’t come. Nor do any words come from you. Your slow rhythms of your heart remind you that he’s still got time, but you’ve expended all your energy. Your smile you’re wearing seems to be dropping

“I love you [name], I love you so much, you are everything I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you” he rambles bringing your body to his chest

“Live for--- me” you sputter out into his chest, a dying wish that Childe isn’t too sure he can uphold. Is it really living if he’s an empty vessel.

You go limp in his arms and he can no longer sense your heartbeat. Death had finally laid claim to you

Childe sits with you for hours, you’d expect him to be wailing like a banshee if you knew his personality but that’s rather not the case. Sobbing quietly is a better word for what happens. Most of his sobs and hacks for air are hidden in your hair. He pulled your body to his shoulder just to weep

Eventually he finds himself mustering the courage to walk back to Liyue Harbour. You firmly held in his arms. He knows that if he walks too plainly the Millelith would pry and ask too many questions for his fragile heart to answer

Childe ends up barging into the wangsheng funeral parlour, which surprises Zhongli a little. He’s about to go on a rant to Childe about how he must book an appointment, until he sees your lifeless body in his arms

The funeral is arranged quickly and neatly. There aren’t many people who attend, Childe is okay with that, he secretly wants to see his family and cry on their shoulder a bit

Instead he opts for a letter, which arrives to the family tear stained and lacking the usual penmanship ‘I’m sorry, you won’t be able to see [name] after all. They passed away not too long ago...’ he basically writes your arbitrary in the letter. And his whole heart is in every word he writes

Determined not to let anybody in Childe finds himself in a pattern, when he’s not throwing himself into battles he’s doing paper work or yelling at his subordinates and when he’s not doing that he’s doing his weekly fight with the traveller. Childe gets next to no sleep and instead opts to reading and rereading every letter and note you’ve ever given him

If Childe passes out at his desk nobody bothers him either in fear of getting yelled at by the harbinger or an understanding of losing a loved one

They never said being a harbinger was fulfilling work. Yet, he let himself believe that he could be fulfilled and content with a lover. What a shameful lie

-

Venti

He’s awfully quiet. He hasn’t experienced death in so long. Especially one he thought would be forever.

He couldn’t even get to you to hear your last words. Ironic isn’t it? He hadn’t heard that guys last words either. And yet this pains him so much more

Sure mortal lives are fleeting but he was certain he had more time with you. More time to see you grow old, more time to put off your inevitable mortality. More time to-

He’s hyperventilating, Venti’s body shakes as he finds nothing to ground himself not even the person he loves so dear is there for him. He feels like he could explode, breaths caught in his throat refusing to surface and come up for air. Despite being an immortal archon, the breaths that refuse to surface don’t fail to make him feel like he’s choking

A bard he is. And one that knows every song from the past, present and future. Suddenly the pained songs from the future make sense to him. He knew what was written. A love lost

Suddenly he finds himself crying and hunched over your deceased form making promises to the wind that he’ll never forget you. Much like he’ll ever forget that bard

He isn’t sure how long has passed but he’s still sobbing over your form, there aren’t many tears left for him to cry but he can’t find himself stopping. He feels like they’ll never stop. 

Maybe he could lay beside you and sleep for another thousand years. But that would only delay the inevitable. The inevitable sinking feeling.

Maybe it was his fault for letting himself fall in love with a mortal, but in the moment he could truly see you living life with him. He could see a marriage, children. He wanted you to have it all.

Damn celestia and all things above for not letting you ascend, at least when he inevitably ascends you’ll be there to greet him. Curse that and your mortality

Jean eventually stumbles upon him during a recon mission to find him covering your body in various flowers, a crown made of cecelias don your head. He’s quiet, but he’s saying goodbye. Who would blame him? Jean doesn’t interrupt him and only wishes you a farewell

News of your death spread around town like wildfire, your grave donned with more flowers than Venti can count. He almost feels bad about not doing a public service after seeing how many people are truly in mourning

Diluc doesn’t push Venti to pay his growing tab no matter how much he should. And Diluc doesn’t say no to Venti singing his happy tunes in the tavern

It feels like his life has retuned to normal. Though Jean can’t help but look out the library window to see Venti sat atop his statue with an expression, as Jean can only guess, of sadness.

Venti finds himself going back to an old schedule again but he can’t miss the nagging feeling of somethings missing. The something being you

Sometimes he half expects you to hug him from behind, or join him up at the statue, or kiss him on his nose, or-

Venti can’t quite comprehend how he feels, he just knows there’s a hole in his heart where you belonged. And he doesn’t want to let anyone find their way into there

He doesn’t want to lose again

It’s happened too much

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