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study-coffee-chicago · 3 years

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Seasons of Med: Season 1: Glad I Didn’t Make it that Far (A Halstead brothers + Halstead sister! imagine)

Trigger warning: Talk of eating disorders

As always, I do not own any quotes from Chicago Med 1x04 that show up here!

Your age: 14

Jay's age: 28

Will's age: 30

"We should go to a movie," your best friend Emma suggested when you were sitting on the playground of Central Chicago's elementary school one summer day.

You had been coming here since it was pretty close to your house to be able to read without worrying that your dad would show up drunk. He wasn't violent, he was just rude, asking why there was no food and when you explained it was because he wasn't going shopping, he'd scoff and tell you to get a job if you wanted to eat. It wasn't your fault; you'd tried to get a job, but no one would hire you because you were only fourteen. Most places required that you be at least sixteen and the occasional place would let you start at fifteen, but only with very limited hours. And, the places that let you start at fifteen were too far away for you to walk to. You'd have to take the El...and that would turn out badly if Will and Jay found out, even though your dad wouldn't care in the slightest.

"Em, I don't have any money. I'm literally rationing out my feminine products at this point."

"Hey, just tell me if you need any. Me or my mom can get you some. Oh, and some neighbors of mine run a little kettle corn company. They're looking for some extra help on the weekends and they'll pay you under the table. I can give you their number if you want."

"Really?" Emma smiled and nodded. "Yes, please! And, you're the best."

But, what you didn't tell her was that you hadn't eaten since yesterday since there was barely anything in your house and that your cramps were killing you and because of all this, you were feeling nauseous.

"Let's go to the movies. My treat."

"I can't let you pay for me."

"Yes, you can. Best friends help each other out. Now c'mon, let's go." You sighed and closed your eyes as you stood up. "You good?" Emma asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just dizzy."

"You wanna go home?"

"No, no I'm fine. Just seasonal allergies from all the pollen," you lied.

"Okay, let's go."

You started to slow down as you got closer to the movie theater. "I'm so excited to see The Longest Ride!" Emma squealed. "Scott Eastwood is just mwah!"

"Yeah, but he's- he's a lot-- I gotta, I gotta sit down," you stuttered, starting to feel more lightheaded and seeing your vision become blurry at the edges.

"Okay, let's get to the front where you can sit on the curb."

You slowly started to make your way there, but it was too late. "Em- Emma," you slurred as you tried to reach for her as your legs gave out underneath you, and then everything went black.

"Y/N!" Emma yelled as she squatted down next to you and pulled out her phone.

Just then, everyone started running out of the theater shouting something about a shooting.

***

Will's pager went off as he was eating with Natalie and the rest of the team from a taco truck outside of Chicago Med. And, everyone else's pagers were going off, too, making it sound like alarm clocks that were all set for the same time. Then, Maggie ran outside.

"Shooting in a movie theater! Mass casualties! It's about to get crazy!" she yelled to the doctors and other nurses. "EMTs are four minutes out!"

Not even a second after she finished her sentence, an ambulance pulled up with lights flashing and sirens blaring.

"Check that!" Will yelled as he threw his food in the trash can. "They're here!"

Then, all of them sprinted into the hospital, their main focus now being saving as many lives as possible.

"Another maniac gone crazy in a theater," Will said as he put something over his scrubs to keep them from getting blood all over them. "Is this the world we live in?"

***

You slowly opened your eyes to be met with the white ceiling and an IV in your arm. You groaned. "Where am I?" you asked as you rolled over to see Emma sitting on a bench. "Are we in an ambulance?"

"You don't remember?" Emma asked.

"You passed out, sweetie," a female paramedic told you as she put a blood pressure cuff around your arm. "Luckily for you, we came pretty quick after hearing about the shooting."

"The shooting? There was a shooting?"

"In the movie theater," the paramedic answered you. "You were lucky you didn't go in."

"Guess so."

Your eyes widened as you realized they were probably taking you to Chicago Med. You couldn't let your brother know that the most likely reason for you passing out was that you hadn't eaten since yesterday. They'd freak out.

"Am I good to go when we get to the hospital? I feel fine." You were still nauseous, but that was better than being passed out.

"You passed out, we need to get you checked out at the hospital."

"But I feel fine," you protested.

"I understand that, sweetie. But you need to get checked out anyway to make sure that there wasn't something that made you pass out other than the heat."

"She's right, Y/N," Emma said. "You need to get checked out."

You huffed. "Fine." Maybe Will would be too busy to even notice you were there. And, you figured your dad wouldn't pick up his phone, so you could just sneak out undetected when the doctors and nurses weren't watching.

When you got in, you were met by Natalie. "Y/N?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

"It's nothing. I just passed out. I'm fine, really."

"Shoot," Emma said. "My mom's here to pick me up. Said she doesn't want me here because of all the press since I'm not hurt. I'm sorry."

You waved your hand. "It's fine. Hopefully, I'll be getting out here soon, too. See you later."

"Bye, Y/N."

"If you passed out, you're not fine, Y/N," Natalie said.

As you were wheeled past a trauma room, you saw your brother. Luckily for you, he was too focused on his patient that he didn't notice.

"Want me to get Will?" Natalie asked when she saw you glance in there.

"No! I mean, he looks really busy and I'm not dying. They should be the first priority."

"Okay, well I'll have Maggie call your dad because after all the standard tests, if I need to do more, I'm going to need your dad's permission since you're still a minor."

"Okay."

"Hey, Maggie," Natalie called, "Do me a favor and call Y/N's dad for me. I just might need permission to run some additional tests."

"You got it."

You got on the bed in the treatment room and allowed Natalie to listen to your heart and lungs. "Were you part of the crush?" she asked. "Did you get the wind knocked out of you? Is that why you passed out?"

"No, I got dizzy before we could get inside. I felt nauseous, too, but I think that was just from period cramps."

"The paramedics said you were dehydrated and that they had to administer an IV. Have you been eating and drinking properly? I know it's hot and that can cause you to pass out. Other than that factor, have you been eating and drinking normally?"

"Yes," you lied.

"Okay, I'm just going to need to get your height and weight and other vitals before we continue."

You nodded and followed her to where she took your height and weight. She wrote it down and you started to walk out, but she stopped you. "Uh, Y/N, come with me."

You followed her to the doctor's lounge where she handed you her sweatshirt. "Why are you giving me this?"

"You bled through your shorts. There's free pads and tampons in the bathroom if you don't have any on you."

You nodded. "Thank you."

"Meet me back here once you're finished."

"Okay."

When you got into the bathroom, you took all the pads and tampons you could fit in your shorts pockets after you had finished changing your dirty one.

Now, it was time for your great escape. No one would see you; they were all too busy treating other patients and worrying about the press.

You were almost out into the waiting room, but then a voice stopped you.

"Y/N?"

Shit. Jay.

You stopped in your tracks but then continued walking.

"Y/N, I know you heard me. Come back."

You sighed and turned around, hoping you wouldn't have to spill all the secrets about what's been happening at home.

***

"Poor guy," Erin said as she and Jay exited Sharon Goodwin's office. "He thought what he was going was right."

"I probably would've done the same thing if I were in his shoes," Jay agreed. "I mean, if I thought I saw a guy with an AR-15 in a movie theater and then thought the shots from the movie were coming from the gun, I sure as hell would've acted. Not that my service weapon can shoot bullets off as much as my sniper, but I'd try. Try and save civilians."

"Jay." Erin placed a hand on his arm. "You're not in Afghanistan anymore."

"I know. There's just some sick and twisted people in this world. Why would someone go into a theater with a leaf blower anyway? With all the mass shootings that have happened, that's probably the stupidest idea I've heard."

"I agree with you. But he's just a kid. He didn't ask to get shot. But, if I were in that teacher's shoes, I'd probably do the same thing and draw my gun."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows as he saw someone walking towards the exit of the ED and towards the waiting room. She had shorts and a t-shirt on with a burgundy sweatshirt tied around her waist. Jay wouldn't have given it a second thought, but he knew you had the same gray beat-up Converse because he had gotten them for you for a birthday present two years ago and you always wore the same polka dot scrunchie when you needed your hair to be in a bun and needed it to be tight.

"Is that?..." Erin trailed off.

"I think so," Jay answered, quickening his pace to catch up with you before you got out of the ED and he lost sight of you due to the number of people in the waiting room. "Y/N!" he yelled.

The girl he thought was you froze for a split second and then continued walking, this time at a faster pace. That was all the confirmation he needed. "Y/N, I know you heard me. Come back."

You sighed and turned around.

"I was going to tell you," you mumbled once you were in front of him.

He scoffed and crossed his arms across his chest. "Yeah? And when were you planning on calling Dad? You know you're a minor so a parent needs to be notified."

"Y/N!" Natalie yelled. "I thought you left, I was so close to getting security to look for you. We couldn't get a hold of your dad and were going to call Jay since he's your secondary emergency contact, but he's here now, so if both of you could follow me then that'd be great."

"You got it from here, Erin?" Jay asked.

"Yeah, text me if you need me to pick you up and bring you back to the district."

"Will do. Don't let Voight bust my balls because I skipped out."

"I'll tell him Y/N had a medical emergency. He'll understand."

"Thanks."

You, Natalie, and Jay walked back into the treatment room where Natalie had been previously treating you.

"First of all, let me just say it was not a medical emergency," you told your brother.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you here?" he asked.

"I was feeling nauseous."

"And you came to the ED just because of some nausea?" He raised an eyebrow. He so knew you were lying.

Meanwhile, Will was walking out of a trauma room after Rhodes brought a victim up to surgery.

"Hey. You hear?" Reese asked as she walked up to the doctor. "The kid at the theater, the one who got shot, he didn't have a gun, he had a leaf blower."

"What?" Will asked, stunned. He had worked on that kid and knew that it wasn't good.

"Yeah, turns out it was some kind of prank." She was about to turn around to leave, but then stopped. "Oh, and your sister's here. Treatment one."

"What? Why?"

"I think she passed out or something. Dr. Manning's in there with her right now."

"Thanks, Reese."

Will barged into your treatment room. "So, she comes into the ED and nobody has the common decency to even notify me?" he asked rhetorically.

"You were busy treating other patients, Will. I was going to get around to it eventually," Natalie said.

"Natalie, please just finish explaining what happened. Or just start from the beginning because Will's here now," Jay suggested, not wanting to have to break up an argument between the two doctors.

Now it was Will who was the one who crossed his arms over his chest.

"So, Will, what happened was that Y/N passed out. She was almost inside the movie theater, but she passed out, so she didn't go in."

"The movie theater where the shooting happened?" Jay asked. You nodded. "Jesus, kid, if you would've gotten inside, you would've given both me and Will heart attacks."

"Sorry. But, I'm glad I didn't get that far."

"Yeah, us too," Will agreed. "So, why'd she pass out?"

"Can I talk to you two for a minute? Outside?"

They nodded. "Be right back," Jay told you.

"So, what's going on?" Jay asked once the three were safely outside of the room and out of earshot from you.

"Have you noticed anything strange with her eating habits lately? Any skipping meals? Going to the bathroom right after meals? Not wanting to eat?" Natalie asked the two brothers.

"No, nothing," Jay answered. "Granted, we don't eat with her a lot because she lives with our dad and we both live on our own."

"Okay, because since her physical check-up a month and a half ago, Y/N's lost fifteen pounds."

"Fifteen?" Will asked, flabbergasted.

"I thought she looked smaller, but I just thought I was hallucinating from lack of sleep because of all the crazy cases we've had," Jay said.

"No, she's lost fifteen pounds since her last check-up," Dr. Manning reiterated.

"So, what are you saying?" Will asked. "Our sister's anorexic? Bulimic?"

"I'm not saying any of those yet. But, I talked to Dr. Charles while Y/N was in the bathroom and she said to try and have her eat something, like the greasiest thing you can find in the cafeteria, and see what she does. We'll even leave the room after to chat and I'll have Maggie keep an eye on the bathrooms to see if she goes in there. If she refuses to eat or freaks out over it, then we might be dealing with anorexia. If she goes into the bathroom after, we might be dealing with bulimia. Or, it could be a combination of the two or just possibly her trying to lose weight. Has she ever mentioned wanting to lose weight to either of you?"

"No, not all," Jay answered. "Even when we went out after her last day of school, which I think was about two weeks after she had that physical, she ate a ton and she didn't go to the bathroom right after."

"But you did go home right after," Will pointed out.

"Yeah."

"But, with some bulimics, if they know that the food has already been digested, they won't try to purge. And, it sounds like the food had time to digest."

"Alright, I'll go grab her a bacon cheeseburger."

"And a side of mac n cheese," Jay suggested. "She loves that stuff." Will started to walk out, but Jay stopped him once more. "Can you pick me up a bacon cheeseburger, too? I'm hungry."

Will rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but just so you know, you're paying me back."

"I know," Jay said and then went back inside the treatment room.

"Where's Will?" you asked.

"He's getting you some food. How does a bacon cheeseburger and mac n cheese sound?"

God, your mouth watered just at the thought of the bacon cheeseburger alone. The juicy patty, melty cheese, and crispy bacon, yum. And, you hadn't had a burger in who knows how long.

"That sounds amazing honestly," you answered.

"Okay, good because that's what Will's getting you." He paused. "Is everything okay with Dad? Everything good at home?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," you lied.

"Did someone tell you that you were fat at all?"

Shit, he knew I'd lost weight. "No," you answered. "I guess I'm not just mindlessly snacking when I'm doing homework anymore. It's not like I'm trying to lose weight."

No way were you going to tell him that there was rarely any food in the house, not here anyway.

"Okay, good," Jay answered. Then, he looked out of the room to see Will talking with Natalie. But, they were close enough that you could hear them, so you turned your attention to the two as well.

"Hey, Nat," Will said, carrying a bag with three cheeseburgers and a side of mac n cheese.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"I'm thinking, I only live a mile from you. So, when you go into labor, call me. I'll drive you here."

"Thanks, but...you know it could be three in the morning, right?"

"Sleep's overrated anyway."

Then, Will made his way back into your treatment room. "I wanna take you to the hospital," Jay mocked. "Very smooth, Will, very smooth."

"Will's got a crush, Will's got a crush," you said in a sing-song voice.

"Would you two knuckleheads keep it down? And no, I do not have a crush, I was just trying to be helpful."

Jay scoffed. "Yeah right. You totally have a crush on her, man. Now, give us the food and we won't say anything."

***

"Everything seem normal?" Natalie asked Will as Jay was still sitting with you after the three of you had finished your food.

"Yeah, she ate a little faster than normal, but we waited an hour and she didn't even get up to go to the bathroom, so I don't think that's the issue. She told Jay she wasn't trying to lose weight. She said she just wasn't mindlessly eating anymore when she was doing homework. But, I don't think that could make her lose fifteen pounds. Do you?"

"No. But unfortunately, given her height and age, she still has a normal BMI, so we can't do anything."

"Yeah, I get it. Me and Jay will keep an eye on her. It was around this time when our dad just kind of checked out on parenting us."

"What do you mean?"

"He wouldn't cook or really help us with anything. But, it was okay because our Mom was still around, so she'd cook and help us with things. He just thought we were old enough to deal with stuff on our own."

"Things that a teenager without another parent still needs help with."

"Exactly."

Jay poked his head out of the room. "Everything good? Y/N's asking when she can leave."

Will rolled his eyes. "Wonder where she gets that from."

"Shut up."

"I'll grab you the discharge papers," Natalie said and then walked to a nurse's station.

Just then, Will's pager went off. "I gotta go." He fished into the pocket of his scrubs. "You can take my car home and then just come pick me up from work and we can drive back to the district to get your truck. That way you don't have to bug Erin."

"Thanks, man. Go save some lives."

Natalie came back and handed him the discharge papers.

"Thanks, Nat. Me and Will will be sure to keep an eye on her, maybe have her over for dinner once or twice a week to monitor her eating habits."

"That's a good idea. Good luck with all this. Will told me that this was around the time that your dad clocked out on you, so maybe pay him a visit when Y/N's not there and check? I don't know if that's something you'd want to do or not."

Jay nodded. "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks."

"No problem."

Jay signed the discharge papers and then walked back into the room. "Good news."

"We can leave?" you asked excitedly as you sat up.

"We can leave," he confirmed.

***

You got out of the car and stood on the stoop of your house, Jay right next to you. "Jay," you started, "I have to tell you something."

"Okay, what is it? You can tell me anything."

You opened your mouth to tell him that there was barely any food in the house and that your dad refused to buy you feminine hygiene products because, by his logic, if he had another son, he wouldn't need to buy them, so you should buy them yourself.

But then, the door opened, revealing your dad.

"I was just going to say thanks for staying with me at the hospital. I would've left if you didn't stop me."

"You're welcome."

"Care to tell me where you've been?" your dad asked.

You knew he was just putting on a show because Jay was there.

"I was at the park and then me and Emma were going to see a movie and then--" your phone buzzed, alerting you that you had a text message.

"I've got it from here, Y/N. Dad, can I come inside?"

Pat Halstead nodded and you walked inside followed by your brother. "I'm gonna go upstairs and change," you said.

As you walked past the kitchen, you noticed a bunch of grocery bags, all of them full. He must've gone grocery shopping. At least you didn't have to worry about food for the next few days. But, you didn't know if he just did that because he finally listened to his voice mails and heard that you were in the hospital and were worried that they were going to find out that he was an unfit parent or because he finally came to his senses and realized that he was still responsible for you because you were a minor, which meant he needed to have food in the house.

As you walked upstairs, you checked your phone. It was Emma's neighbor asking if you could start helping her with kettle corn this Saturday. You responded with a yes because now, if your dad went back to not buying groceries, at least you'd be able to buy some for yourself.

A/N: Sorry this one was so short! It's kind of just to foreshadow the next installment of this. And, in the next installment, I will probably combine Seasons of PD: Season 4 and Seasons of Med: Season 2 because the storylines kind of go together. Anyway, thank you for reading! Please reblog/like and comment and tell me what you think! As always, if you want to be added to the taglist, just tell me and I’ll be happy to add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e

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chazukekani · 3 years

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Summary for Code:04 is here!

Please notice that this is just a summary so not every single detail is included!

Stormbringer Summary 5

Code 04: Grantors of disgrace, you need not wake me again

Recap: N and Verlaine escaped from the laboratory.

The chapter begins with an excerpt of Rimbaud's diary. He wrote that there was once an anti-government movement 'May Revolution', and the leaders were called 'The Fauns'. They created a secret weapon which was named 'No.12 of Darkness' that can control gravity freely. Once Rimbaud acquired this weapon, he was ordered to educate him and trained this weapon to become a spy, and its name was Paul Verlaine.

- Unbelievable. The Secret of the Gentle Forest was decoded. Here it lies the most fierce beast, and Verlaine...

Rimbaud wrote in his diary.

Verlaine and N were at the top of a tower crane. Verlaine had N here because he wanted to know why N knew the Secret. However, N claimed that the last 6 pages of the Secret was erased by Rimbaud himself so he couldn't tell much. Verlaine couldn't believe that's actually Rimbaud who altered the information.

He was strong, Verlaine referred to Rimbaud. He is the only one who was capable of battling with Verlaine in his organisation, and they were partners. Not only this, Rimbaud also called Verlaine his friend, but Verlaine just felt like he couldn't like Rimbaud.

Verlaine left N on the tower crane alone and left.

It was a night with a clear sky, a train was moving on the railway and Mori was sleeping inside. At once, a human showed up on the railway, and stopped the train. The train was derailed as a result of mass shock. Verlaine went inside the train and searched for something, and he believed no one inside the train was able to survive after the shock.

Verlaine found the body of Mori, and he approached to confirm the breath. But that wasn't Mori. It was a man who wore the outfit of his, but was not Mori himself. Turns out it was Mori's double, Hirotsu. A tiny person also appeared afterwards, and that's Dazai.

Suddenly, there was light in the dark, and that was flame. By the mountain near the railway, there were 50 and more sniper bullets aimed and shotted Verlaine, and the target was in utter pain.

'Don't think these little rocks could kill me...' Verlaine was trying to use the woods beside him to attack the snipers who were hiding in the mountain, but he stopped

'Hoho- You really look like my subordinate when I take a closer look' said an elegant lady, Kouyou. She summoned Golden Demon and launched offense towards Verlaine.

'You can't beat me alone,' Verlaine said.

'Who said I am alone?' Verlaine then felt his whole body sinking down to the ground, and turned into multiple snakes that were about to swallow him. That was the Lieutenant's ability (reference to Dead Apple manga, former Port Mafia executive), that could manipulate the state of objects.

'Ability organisations are stronger than ability users,' Dazai observed and smiled. Various ability users from the Port Mafia were launching all kinds of attacks towards him, such as the ability of slowing the time and freezing. In fact, Dazai sent 420 Mafia members which included 28 ability users to the scene to defeat Verlaine.

'I will mourn you,' Dazai said to Verlaine, and took out Rimbaud's diary from his pocket.

The next moment, a black wave inflated and spreaded to the whole field.

'-- You hatreds, your dumb torpors, your weaknessses,

And your brutalisation suffered long ago,

You give back, O Night, like an excess,

Un-malevolent, of blood, each month or so, (extract from The Sisters of Charity, by Arthur Rimbaud)' Verlaine said the spell.

The wind calmed, the buzz on the ground vanished as if escaping from something. The invisible waves were flooded in the atmosphere.

'The door was opened,' Dazai observed. A black object appeared far far away in the forest. Right after, where Verlaine were, ejected a form of dark energy. The car that was hit by this energy was completely deformed with half of it vanished and the remains were just like a wrapped paper.

On the mountain, there was a monster who controlled a dark sphere. When people touched the sphere, they died.

No.3 Forces, annihilated; No.5 forces, all dead, No.8 forces, no response, as reported from Dazai's walkie talkie. The mountained was eliminated, and the ground was distorted. All the mafia members were screaming and suffering.

'It's all in the plan, we will win if the next attack succeeds,' said Dazai.

Up in the sky of Yokohama, Chuuya and Adam were inside a helicopter and they jumped off from it due to the attack from the monster. Adam was able to fly in the sky because his body allowed him to transform himself into a flying machine.

Similar to Chuuya, Verlaine was also intolerant to poison despite having ample physical strength, so actually it was their plan to approach Verlaine closely, so that they can inject poison into Verlaine's body. It was notable that Adam mixed this poison pill.

It was very difficult to get closer to Verlaine because he had activated his corruption, which he lost his consciousness and attacked the surroundings without rationality.

Nonetheless, Chuuya did put a toxic pill into Verlaine's mouth, which he has his conscious back. Yet Verlaine splitted out the pills right after.

'You always surprise me, Chuuya,' Verlaine spoke. He told Chuuya that once he said the spell, he would have his human personality unlocked and become a mad beast that generated ability singularity. However, that is Rimbaud who thought about adding a spell on Verlaine, which enabled him to get back to a rational form after using his corruption.

'He always thinks about what he could do for me,' said Verlaine.

'But you betrayed him,' Chuuya replied

'Because I wanted to save you,' Verlaine answered.

Suddenly, a finger touched Verlaine's face.

'What an unexpected offense. I bet no one could foresee this. What a joke,' said Chuuya

Verlaine turned back, and realised that was Adam's finger.

'Do you wanna hear an android joke?' Adam's finger was installed with a tiny syringe, and this enabled poison to be injected into Verlaine's body.

'Seems like a child's trick can defeat the king of assassins. Thanks for listening to my android joke.'

It returns to another section of Rimbaud's diary. Rimbaud was thinking about what presents he should give to Verlaine on his birthday. He came up to a conclusion: a black hat. That was not an ordinary hat. The materials used inside the hat consists of 10% platinum, 10% titanium and the rest were made with rainbow-coloured ability metal which was installed with the ability of the Fauns inside. By wearing this hat, it enabled Verlaine to act on his own will and less interfered by external instructions and interruption. In other words, Verlaine was a step closer to a man with free will by having this hat.

Rimbaud gave the hat to Verlaine on his birthday, and he did not look surprised or happy either way.

'Just take it,' Rimbaud told Verlaine, and there was no response. They drank some wine that night and said goodnight to each other.

The battle was so called ended, but the field was left with gravity waves and the forest was completely destroyed. Verlained passed out, but still alive. Dazai told Adam and Chuuya that N was rescued from the tower crane, but disappeared during transportation.

'I can't die here...' said N. The car that he was taking bumped into a utility pole because he injected some form of medicine to the driver. He took out an old style flare gun and shooted.

'Is this some mistake made by the offense team?' Chuuya noticed the shot far away.

'Shit...' Dazai's eyes were in despair.

The shot that shooted from N's flare gun was exploded with colourful metal pieces floating in the air like snow, and even accompanied with some music. Verlaine suddenly yelled painfully. His eyes were filled with blood and the blood stream was clear on his face and grabbed his chest hardly.

'That was not the effect of my pill!' Adam shouted, 'The gravitational field was unusual here!'

The space was deformed, and Verlaine was flooded inside his own gravity wave.

'The world ends here...' Verlained whispered just like an old man who's dying 'Run, Chuuya.' Verlaine smiled sorrowfully.

The sky was divided, the thunder was coming and the atmosphere was expanding. N saw the ability form of Verlaine. It was a black beast, the opposite of god, and original demon -- Guivre the Beast. The monster annihilated all the aircrafts incoming and was about to proceed to the city center.

'See that Verlaine! That's your end!' N laughed, almost screamed. 'An unique being like you will die because of such a boring creature like me! HAHAHAHA DIE VERLAINE!'

Here comes a flashback during the night of Rimbaud and Verlaine's mission of stealing Arahabaki.

'Don't give this kid to the French,' Verlaine was holding the young Chuuya on his arm.

'What?' Rimbaud was confused.

'Don't hand him over to anyone, and don't let him go back to the lab. Grow this kid in a farm and just never let him know about his truth.'

'What are you talking about?' Rimbaud asked once again.

'Think about it Rimbaud,' Verlaine's voice was tense and hostile at the same time, 'If someone tells you you're not a human, how impactful it will be. You are not born with god's blessing but just a programme, how hurtful it is. You cannot see the moon and live in darkness forever without any hope, and no one will come save you. Even such a feeling of despair is designed by someone else!'

'We have this conversation countless times, Paul,' Rimbaud stepped forward, 'You are a human, everyone sees that. Instead of thinking how you were made, isn't it better to think what you should be as a being?'

'Paul...' 'Don't get close.'

'I am sorry. Anyways, should we go back and have a chat?' Rimbaud stepped forward again.

'No, it's too late.'

A huge fight between the spies broke out.

Adam had an idea to stop the destruction of Guivre. Almost at the end of the Great War, Britain had developed something that was currently the energy source of Adam's machines. However, the initial usage of Adam's energy source was a mass destruction weapon. Adam smiled and continued. If they used Adam's weapon inside him, they could burn and melt the Guivre.

So they put this in practise. Adam asked Chuuya to tie Adam's own arm to an electric cable. However, Adam pushed Chuuya away when he was about to trigger the weapon. He explained to Chuuya that the weapon inside him was called the Shell (55 minutes reference). It can burn down the surroundings of 22 yard radius, and the internal temperature could reach 6000 degree celsius, and that is almost the temperature of the sun surface. This was sufficient to destroy the Guivre.

'Don't do this!' Chuuya cried

'Don't you have your dream! To build an investigation organisation purely ran by machines right!'

Adam silenced for two seconds.

'My dream is to protect humans,' Adam replied, 'and my dream comes true now.'

'Wait!'

A gigantic fireball. It burned the woods, and boiled the land, and altogether evaporated. The Guivre moaned miserably and decomposed in the air. Adam sacrificed himself and the monster was destroyed.

However, the tail of the beast in front of Chuuya and Dazai was forming into something. That piece of tail suddenly grew a face out of it, something like a reptile. It then turned into a huge form of creature. Its head was pretty much the head of the former Guivre, but the number of eyes were different, and it had red eyes.

'Don't look at it, Chuuya,' Dazai warned, 'He was sensitive to emotion, so don't let him see you.'

'I know how to defeat this ability singularity,' said Chuuya, 'I recalled from my memory.'

'Let's brief me that,' Dazai smiled.

They figured out how to open Chuuya's door. In order to activate Chuuya's corruption, he needs to say the spell 'Grantors of disgrace, you need not wake me again'. Together with the hat gifted by Rimbaud, Chuuya could control the door with his own consciousness. However, there's a problem. Once Chuuya said the spell, the log inside his programme will altogether be erased, which means Chuuya could no longer find out whether he was human or not via the programme.

Chuuya was flying in the sky. He grabbed his hat tightly and recalled his friend's word

-- I am satisfied that I can protect you.

And he said 'Grantors of disgrace, you need not wake me again.'

The battle between the gigantic beast and a tiny Arakami (God of Arahabaki) began. Dazai was directing the forces to launch offense towards the beast. Meanwhile Chuuya's physical body could no longer tolerate the power inside his body. He was bleeding severely. Finally, Chuuya created an enormous fireball that was as if the second sun in the night. Finally, the beast disappeared and Dazai nullified corruption.

Code:04 End

#bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bungo stray dogs storm bringer #bungou stray dogs storm bringer #bsd storm bringer #bsd nakahara chuuya #bsd paul verlaine #bsd adam frankenstein #bsd dazai osamu #bsd ozaki kouyou #nakahara chuuya #paul verlaine #adam frankenstein #dazai osamu #ozaki kouyou #hirotsu ryuurou #bsd hirotsu ryuuro

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 3 years

Text

15x20

Spoilers for Season 15x20 finale

Summary: This is a semi-rewrite of episode 15x20...

Pairing: Dean x reader (reader is treated more like an OC than a typical reader)

Word Count: 2,000ish

Warnings: language, major 15x20 spoilers

A/N: I wrote this for myself honestly. I know it is idealistic and was never going to happen. Again, I’m sharing simply if you’re interested but please feel free to ignore. This picks up from a very obvious point in the episode...

______

Dean POV

“Fuck,” said Dean, his hand over his chest. Something big was stabbing into his back. This felt wrong though. A dull, achy pain trickled up and down his spine and across his chest. His heart was racing up and slowing down when it wanted and Dean shut his eyes as he recognized the feeling in his bones.

He was dying. The kind of dying a doctor can’t fix.

“Jack!” shouted Sam, Dean peeling open his eyes as he realized Sam was besides him, hand covered in blood. A few seconds later Jack appeared in front of them eating a bar of nougat. “Jack fix him. Please.”

“He said he was hands off,” said Dean with a wince, his whole body shaking. Jack cocked his head and walked over, touching Dean’s forehead. The next thing he knew, Dean was sat on the ground and taking a deep breath, the pain gone as he looked up. “You said you were hands off.”

“You’re my dads. Why wouldn’t I help you?” he asked, a confused look on his face. Dean chuckled and nodded, still holding onto his chest. “You seem upset. I’ll pop you guys home.”

“Kid there’s-”

“Those boys are okay,” said Jack, snapping his fingers. Dean was suddenly sat on the steps up into the library, Jack mentioning something about taking some nougat from the pantry before he headed out.

“You alright?” asked Sam. Dean shook his head and he took a seat. Dean rubbed the heel of his palm against his chest and shuddered. “Jack got there in time.”

“If he hadn’t-”

“Dean-”

“If he hadn’t...because it was bad, Sammy. If he hadn’t...I’m so proud of you and I love you, so fucking much. I couldn’t have asked for a better baby brother, a better best friend. You just gotta tell me something. When the time comes, you’ll be okay without me. Tell me Sam. Please.”

“I’ll be okay,” said Sam quietly. Dean nodded and moved his hand to his lap, Sam scooting closer. “Let’s get out of here.”

“What?”

“Let’s get a house. We can get a big yard for Miracle. Run an operation like Bobby did, do the occasional case. Let’s go live more,” said Sam. Dean paused but rubbed his chest again and smiled.

“Dibs on the master bedroom,” said Dean. Sam chuckled and nodded. “Yeah. This place is home but I wouldn’t mind an upgrade.”

Two Months Later

“Miracle!” called Dean when he ignored the ball Dean had just thrown across the yard and ran around the corner of the house. “Miracle!”

“I think your daddy’s looking for you,” Dean heard a voice giggle. He walked around the house and saw a woman knelt down and ruffling the dog. “You’re so cute. You’re so cute.”

“Yes, I am,” smirked Dean as the woman popped her head up. “So, how can I help you and why are you parked in my driveway?”

“I’m Y/N. Y/N-”

“I heard of you. Hunter out of Alaska right?” he asked as she nodded. “You work a lot of Canada cases.”

“I did,” she said with a shrug. “I was thinking of retiring down south. Wondering if you got any tips on how to adjust.”

“A dog helps,” he said and she smiled, Dean looking her up and down. “You do realize this is Austin, Texas right?”

“This is south to me,” she said. “I know Donna through a friend of a friend. She said it’d be cool if I came and talked to you?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” said Dean, Miracle running over to the ball and rushing back with it. He nudged Dean’s hand and Y/N smiled. “You mind chatting while we do some fetch?”

“Not at all, Winchester.”

“Kinda funny how Eileen and Y/N know each other,” said Sam, Dean looking out the back window to where the girls and Miracle were sat on the back deck after dinner drinking a beer. Dean hummed and dried a plate, Sam nudging his arm. “You like her, don’t you.”

“You like her.”

“Dean.”

“Yeah, I like her. What’s the big deal?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A gorgeous, former hunter with your kind of humor, love for pie, muscle cars and classic rock that’s single just happens to have stuck around long after she got done talking to you.”

“I invited her to dinner.”

“She understands the life Dean. All the shit we carry. You’ve never tried with a hunter. Give her a chance.”

“Tried what?” said Dean, putting the plate in the cupboard.

“You can have a relationship Dean. I’m pretty sure she likes you too,” said Sam.

“Hello, Dean,” said Castiel, both guys jumping as they spun around. They stared at the angel as Cas looked around. “I enjoy your home. The air is fragrant.”

“It’s a candle,” said Sam, pointing to the flickering light on the countertop. He blew it out and Dean walked around the island, shaking his head.

“Where the fuck have you been?” said Dean, giving Cas a hug. Sam joined them and Castiel shrugged.

“Rebuilding heaven is labor intensive process,” said Cas before turning to Dean. “I felt you would be coming there soon a few months ago.”

“Why didn’t you pop down when you knew he was dying?” asked Sam.

“You are humans,” said Cas with a pout. “You will die someday. It’s an inevitable fact. Time is very strange in heaven in its relation to earth. I assumed you were an old man.”

“No, not old,” said Dean.

“Would you two like for me to prevent your deaths until a certain age?” asked Cas.

“No,” they both said, Dean smiling.

“But if we ask for help, you will help?” asked Dean.

“Always,” said Castiel. He tilted his head and looked out the back window. “Who is the woman with Eileen?”

“Y/N. Hunter from the Yukon area. Dean has a crush,” said Sam. He smirked when Dean whacked his arm, Cas still cocking his head. “You know her?”

“She’s quite drawn to Dean. Metaphysically speaking.”

“Yes cause whatever you just said was very clear. Like I’m five Cas,” said Dean. Cas sighed and pursed his lips.

“Jack has given me some extra power to help assist him better. I can see more of a person now,” said Cas. “Their energy, soul, things of that nature.”

“Okay...so what does that mean?” asked Dean.

“Oh your souls are quite intertwined. She’s your soulmate,” said Cas.

“Really?” said Dean, allowing a brief smile to cross his face.

“She also has a growing inoperable mass in her head that will kill her in the next few years. She suffers from headaches quite frequently,” said Cas. Dean sat down at the counter and stared out the back door, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Why can’t I be happy?” he breathed out. “For a fucking minute I can’t even be happy before the rug gets pulled out.”

“...Did you not want me to heal her?” asked Cas. Dean rolled his eyes and Cas’ glowed blue for a moment. “She’s fine now. You seem...emotional.”

“Well I am Cas,” said Dean.

“You’ve been off since that hunt and the barn,” said Sam.

“Sam I shouldn’t be alive,” said Dean. “I got lucky.”

“You have sacrificed your entire life for others, Dean,” said Cas, Sam taking a seat next to Dean. “You should take advantage of your powerful friends. Let others care for you now. I will speak to Jack about the remaining monsters and their relocation to somewhere better suited for them, perhaps a new world.”

“Everything alright?” asked Y/N, slipping in through the back door with an empty beer bottle.

“Yeah, we’re all good,” said Sam.

“Liar,” she said, smiling at Dean. “I’ll be right back.”

She excused herself to the bathroom, Sam and Cas going outside. Dean got another set of beers out just in time for Y/N to return.

“Can I ask you a question?” she said.

“Shoot,” said Dean, handing her the drink.

“Your friend, the angel, did he just heal me? I’ve had constant headaches for awhile now. Brain tumor. I feel different. You guys wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with that would you?”

“You deserve to enjoy your retirement,” he said. “A very long retirement. You’re fine now.”

“I won’t be mad about that,” she said, leaning against the counter by him. She took a long sip and smiled. “I like you, Dean.”

“I like you,” he said.

“I’m gonna stick around town for a bit, see if things work out,” she said. He nodded and smiled, watching her smirk. “So there’s really no more monsters?”

“Uh, what?”

“I overheard Castiel when I walked in. Guess we’re really out of jobs now,” you said.

“I got an offer for a construction manager,” he said.

“You gonna take it?” she asked.

“I think so. What do you think?” he asked.

“I think it’s a great idea,” she said. “Gotta keep busy somehow.”

“What’s your retirement look like?” he asked. She shrugged and smiled. “Now that death isn’t imminent.”

“Maybe I’ll find a guy, try the domestic thing,” she said, a soft smile staying on her lips. “Know anyone who might be interested?”

“I’m sure I can think of someone, sweetheart.”

One Year Later

“So what do you think?” asked Sam as he spun around in his suit in the family room.

“What do we think junior?” asked Dean, the baby on his lap clapping his hands. “He says dad’s gonna score tonight.”

“I fear for you teaching my son things when he’s a teenager,” chuckled Sam.

“That’s what Uncles are for,” said Dean as Y/N got up from the couch and started fixing Sam’s tie.

“And what Aunt’s are for to rein them in,” she said, smoothing it out.

“Thank you,” said Sam. “Hey, when you two gonna have a kid?”

“Who says we aren’t?” smirked Dean. Sam went wide eyed and she rolled hers.

“We’re trying just recently. You will literally be the first to know once we do,” she said. She winked and Sam narrowed his eyes, looking back and forth between them then down to her stomach.

“You’re so pregnant.”

“Ugh, we were gonna surprise you guys. Let us surprise, Eileen at least,” she said.

“You guys are pregnant!” said Eileen from over the balcony upstairs. Y/N laughed and headed up, Sam taking a seat next to Dean and plucking his son into his arms.

“You’re gonna be a real good dad. You got a lot of practice,” said Sam. Dean shrugged and Sam gave him a side hug. “I’m really happy he gets to know his Uncle, Dean. You’re gonna do great.”

“I’m really happy I get to be here too,” said Dean. He sat back and shut his eyes. “I owe you one.”

“For what?”

“The barn. I thought Jack wouldn’t come. I didn’t even bother. I thought that was gonna be it,” said Dean. “I didn’t want to go yet.”

“You don’t owe me for that,” said Sam, handing the baby back when he heard feet on the stairs. “Be good for Uncle Dean, baby boy.”

“Go have fun on your date, Sammy,” said Dean.

“You have fun on your stay at home date,” chuckled Sam. “See ya later, De.”

“Later, Sammy.”

_________

#spn #spn spoilers #dontspoilthefinalhunt #spn season 15 spoilers #supernatural #dean x reader #dean winchester #sam winchester #supernatural dean winchester #supernatural sam winchester #one shot

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confused-stars · 4 years

Text

hawksweek2020 - Day 5: Insecurities

@hawksweek2020

Pretty Bird

(or: someone just give him a hug please im begging you)

It had been eight months since the Winged Hero Hawks had made his debut. The spotlights hadn’t let up since then, and he hadn’t stopped moving.

At his first hero ranking, he’d already made the top twenty, popularity polls adding a huge bonus to the sheer number of successful rescues he’d already pulled off with seeming ease. And it was easy, to him. Saving people came as naturally as breathing after all the training he’d gone through.

Charming the masses? That was also easy. A smile that was just smug enough to make him interesting, and just warm enough to have people believe he was genuine. Words that sounded a little too blunt but were carefully picked and made the public love him for his honesty. A wink thrown in at the right time, a strategic placement of his wings in front of the cameras. All of that had been training.

This was just another one of those things, another side of hero work that he hadn’t experienced before but should have been fine with.

He should have.

So why exactly did he find himself hiding away in a storage closet?

Well.

Fuck.

Keigo pulled his wings tighter around himself and tried to count to ten under his breath. He got to seven before there was a knock on the door.

“Kid?”

Ah, shit. They knew where he was.

Of course he was already going to have to answer for running out and messing up the schedule the way he had, and he didn’t even know how long he’d been here, but he still didn’t want to be talked to.

“Go ‘way!” he called back, and his voice sounded way too shaky and not enough like his hero persona at all. “I’m fine! I just need a minute!”

A pause. “… Hawks.” The voice was softer now. He knew he’d heard it before, but his panicked mind wasn’t supplying him with anything. “Can I come in if I close the door behind me?”

Keigo furrowed his brows. Why would she do that? Wasn’t she here to drag him back out? But saying no would probably make them break down the door or something. He twisted the feather he’d kept stuck in the lock around until he felt it click open.

He straightened up where he was sitting in between a bunch of nondescript storage crates and cleaning supplies, his wings folded neatly against his back even though he just wanted to curl them around his body again.

The door opened a moment later, and Keigo could have slapped himself for not recognizing Midnight’s voice when she’d been outside the door.

She must have had a photoshoot here today, too. He vaguely remembered that this was supposed to be the place where she most often did her modelling work. She was in her hero costume, though lacking her usual accessories, and she was holding the shirt that he’d left when he’d hurried out of the studio.

He caught it when she tossed it at him and freed his wings of feathers for a moment so he could pull it on, slotting them back in place after.

“… thanks.” He flashed Midnight one of his trademark smiles, and from her furrowed brow she wasn’t buying it in the least.

Keigo wondered just how much of a persona she was putting on for her hero work, and how much of it was real. There was no way all this 18+ nonsense could be her entire personality.

Keigo thought she was fun to watch, sure, and definitely capable, but she’d always seemed very… fake to him. There were just some heroes who were so obviously playing a role, and unfortunately a lot of the female pros who were being pushed into the ‘sexy lady hero’ stereotype came across like that. Keigo was always glad he was a man, or this might have very well been his fate.

And he’d proven today that he was not cut out for that.

Midnight kicked one of the crates aside and sat down on top of it, one leg over the other, and watching him closely.

“First model shoot?” she asked, “They can be a little awkward.”

Keigo sighed and dropped his smile, shrugging a shoulder. “It’s not… I’m good at what I do.” That sounded very defensive. But he was! He was good at this! He had no problem with the posing, even though he hadn’t exactly practiced that before. It had actually been a lot of fun, in the beginning.

“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Midnight pointed out, “Just that it can be awkward. I’ve been doing this since I was your age, and don’t tell anyone, but that was a while ago.” She winked at him and Keigo huffed a laugh. “But, even for me it can get… a bit much at times.”

Keigo looked back at her with more intent this time, studying her face. Did she enjoy what she did? Well, she had picked her own brand, and she got more choice in what she did than he ever had, but she’d also picked that brand as a teenager. Playing into the R-rated hero thing got her a lot of fans, of course, and modelling contracts, and adult merch, and a ton of other things, so it had been a clever move for her career. But to constantly be seen like this? Keigo nearly shuddered at the thought.

Midnight met his eyes and smiled, a little more gentle, and Keigo remembered that she, in fact, was also a high school teacher. “Don’t look at me like that, bird boy. I love what I do. It’s normal to get overwhelmed. Happens to the best of us. Just last week, I witnessed Present Mic screaming into a pillow for almost ten whole minutes.”

Keigo pulled one of his wings across his lap and smoothed out some feathers. They’d been groomed extensively before the shoot, but he’d gone and gotten them all ruffled up again. “… is the pillow okay?” he asked after a moment.

Midnight snorted. “That’s what we keep Eraser around for.”

Would Keigo ever have any real friends among other heroes? He sure hoped so. He had never really had the opportunity to make friends.

He looked down at his wing. “… I don’t like being on camera shirtless.” And in a room full of people, too. He pulled up his shoulders a little. “I mean. I know I’m objectively hot, right? This is all… very marketable.” He gestured down at his body, and then at his face.

He'd been lucky to grow up attractive, he’d been told that many times. And yet.

“It doesn’t make sense. I just… they didn’t warn me beforehand, and so when they told me to, I just took it off and I started feeling worse.”

Letting go of his wing, he instead traced his fingers along his chest, where there weren’t even visible scars. “It’s stupid.”

“The way you feel about your body is never stupid,” Midnight said, voice surprisingly firm.

Keigo jerked his eyes up to look at her.

“It’s unreasonable. I should be fine with it. Plenty of people are gonna look at these photos, and they’re not gonna think ‘oh, look at Hawks, he’s way too skinny to be attractive’ or ‘he’s tiny, how’s he supposed to save people’ or ‘hey, doesn’t Hawks look kinda like a girl?’. That’s just me thinking that.” He waved a hand in the air vaguely and sighed, feathers fluffing up as he did so.

Midnight was still watching him. Keigo hated it. She seemed to be seeing right through him, and he himself didn’t even know what she was seeing.

“I have a feeling it won’t help any if I say I think you’re cute,” she finally said, “Because this is about you. This isn’t going to change, no matter how many crazy fans in the streets scream that they’d love to have your babies.” She paused. “Or… eggs.”

Keigo couldn’t help the surprised laugh, and he tried to give her a half-glare. “I’m pretty sure I’d have perfectly human babies, thanks.”

“I’ll believe that when you prove it,” Midnight teased, and Keigo realized she’d done that very much on purpose to distract him from his doom and gloom.

She was a pretty good hero, he decided. The best heroes had to be the ones who knew how to help other heroes, and not just civilians. “I should probably get back out there and finish the shoot, huh?” he asked, glancing at the door.

Midnight clicked her tongue. “Or you walk out there, apologize, and fly home like a good boy.” She met his eyes and winked, and Keigo blushed maybe a little bit, though he would deny that to his dying day. That was just how she was though, and her flirty nature was enough to keep him somewhat grounded and from letting his thoughts spiral again.

“… I have responsibilities,” he protested half-heartedly, though home sounded very good right now. He hadn’t been living in the apartment long, but it was his and it was safe. He didn’t have to be Hawks there.

Midnight waved a hand at him. “They must’ve gotten a bunch of pictures they can use. You’ve been here all morning, and it’s almost four now.”

That late? Oh, shit. Keigo had a patrol at six. He’d need to pick up some food on the way. But, hey, at least patrol was going to make him feel less shitty about himself. He stood up and brushed himself off. “You’re probably right, Midnight. Thanks.”

Midnight got to her feet as well, and Keigo nudged her arm with his wing.

“Kayama is fine, you know? No need to be all formal with the hero names.”

Keigo never liked when this happened. He shifted. “I prefer Hawks.”

Midnight’s gaze was too knowing, but he didn’t think that she knew the full extent of why he didn’t use his other name.

“Hawks it is, then. It’s a good hero name anyway. Very catchy.” She nodded her approval, and he smiled as he moved past her – only to be stopped by her hand wrapping around his wrist.

“Okay, I know you barely know me, but I want you to listen to me. Because you’re just a kid, and you’re taking your first steps into this mess of a professional world. Are you listening?”

Keigo nodded.

Midnight’s gaze was serious. “No one can tell you who to be, Hawks. No one can tell you what to do with who you are, either. You want to save people, you’re good at that. You clearly don’t like this aspect of it all, and that’s fine. Not everyone is born for this. Being a hero isn’t about looking sexy, or letting them treat you like a piece of meat. It’s about finding danger and facing it to keep others from getting hurt. And you’re doing that. So you can damn well decline any of these publicity engagements that have you doing things you’re uncomfortable with. They’ll tell you to just go through with it, and not make a fuss, but they’re wrong, okay? Set up your boundaries now, because you’re allowed to. Do you hear me? You’re allowed to.”

Keigo nodded again, a little dazed from her intensity. Or maybe her quirk. But she wasn’t using it right now.

Midnight let go of his wrist, and placed both hands on his shoulders. “I look forward to seeing more of what you can do. Up in the sky, not on some advertisement for a product neither of us is ever even going to use.” She raised a hand and put a finger under his chin, forcing his head up a little. “Now, don’t look like a scared little bird that’s just been a cat’s plaything for the past ten minutes. Or else there’ll be rumors about the two of us and this closet.” She laughed, and Keigo swallowed.

“Uh… yeah. Okay. Okay.” He was very off kilter now. Did she have that effect on everyone?

Midnight looked him over, and then gave a satisfied nod. “Good. Now, remember that you’re an ass kicking, whip smart, devastatingly handsome young man, and get out there.”

Keigo blinked at her, stood still for another second or so, and then turned and opened the door, his shoulders set, and the weight of his wings still heavy on his back.

He couldn’t wait to spread them again and get back to doing his actual job.

#hawksweek2020 #this is kinda vent-y in a way?#body insecurity cw #trans hawks isn't really a theme here but it's hinted at #because im *jazz hands* projecting #im also still not doing great but i didnt wanna skip two days #especially since i had the idea for this a while back #dysphoria cw #just a little

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mushi-shield · 3 years

Text

reason why I really love Tom McDonald music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6FmwBPDT-w "People So Stupid"

What a contradiction, being human is so tragic Focus on minorities, ignoring all the masses Hallelujah, everyone, activism saved the planet No more plastic straws in paper Just paper straws wrapped in plastic, congratulations

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxJtX081jj4 "WHITEBOY"

I would never hate a man for what God gave him in pigments And I would never plot against him just because he is different I would never judge a human for the cards he was given or Call them lesser than myself 'cause of the race that he's mixed with

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omMpqbuyDdc "Straight White Male"

Fine, y'all don't gotta be my friends Y'all don't gotta like white men Y'all don't gotta hold my hand Y'all don't gotta have my back Y'all don't gotta, y'all don't gotta, y'all don't gotta, uh Y'all don't gotta see my side Y'all don't gotta be down to ride Y'all don't gotta do anything but ghost And I'mma do me even when it's the most, yeah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ita4g_oDyns "Politically Incorrect"

Don't let 'em censor your thoughts Don't let 'em make you regret that you talked Don't let 'em tell you that nice is the law Tryna make you all right here when nothing is wrong, yeahWords hurt you, clothes hurt you Memes hurt you, jokes hurt you, we hurt you Half the time you don't even probably know what hurt you But you super mad, trust we heard you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHBMbZdCpSk "Cancelled"

I don't care if you mad at me, okay? Go ahead and change the channel Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay? They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole Say what you want, I guess it is what it is Haters can talk but they can't cancel the kid Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it But I swear to God, you can't cancel the kid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l6JUNFAJ9o "Fake Woke"

Use violence to get peace and wonder why it isn't working That's like sleeping with a football team to try and be a virgin Politicians are for sale and someone always makes the purchase But you and I cannot afford it, our democracy is worthless If a man has mental illness call him crazy, say it silently When country's going crazy we accept it as society

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t86ClLM3ZGY "NO LIVES MATTER"

Freedom's dead, if you have an opinion, take it back (facts) People hate the president, if you don't then you trash (facts) Indoctrinate the nation using news and mainstream rap (facts) The government abuses us, it's all part of the plan (facts)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2K1xQOp4qo "White Trash"

This is for my white trash, the ones the whole world hate The ones who voted for Trump, got labeled racist but ain't The ones with ball caps, "Make America Great" Who love their country to death Who struggle on minimum wageAyy, they angry about illegal aliens Takin' work that maybe they could get Single parents with some baby kids Hated for being a patriot All my life, I've been white trash All my life, it's been like that The whole world been left leanin' I'm proud of the right who fight backBeen chewed up and spit out They scream but no one listens They're so in love and vote for Trump 'cause fuck a politician They're our neighbors They're our soldiers, our men and women and children They're middle class families who got forgot by the systemUh, in God we trust and all the guns are just backup Rockin' camouflage, don't tread on me, get smoked like tobacco Yeah, we're white trash, we rednecks, crackers since we were young We grew close, we move slow, these colors don't run

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT5DpOiQ_WA "Fake Fans" (DISS)

Look, I ain't changing for a buck, I ain't changing for a fan I ain't changing nothing up, this is who the fuck I am If you fuck with me, I'll hope that y'all enjoy it Beware of all the fake fans trying to destroy it, yeahI ain't switching it up, I am the man that I was Way before I blew up and everyone fell in love Never once gave a fuck, been doing me from the jump And I will never become the man that you wish I was

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeb7bVA3pjE "Im Sorry"

Sorry, that doesn't bother me I don't owe anybody an apology I don't have no regrets in my biology Reload and shoot for the stars, y'all look like astronomy No one as hot as me, copy me commonly Wannabes, y'all are so shockingly comedy Carry the weight of my songs all on top of me I will not break, I'm not made out of potteryBury your bodies on acres of property Place them at angles like sacred geometry Down with modesty Everything I drop is quality Promise, like honestly, follow me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83Ntpeih4f4&t=236s "Buttholes"

Someone's always gonna hate you no matter what Might as well just be yourself and let people think you suck Opinions are like buttholes, everyone got one they cover up And all you gotta do is follow through When you're yelling that you don't give a fuckI ain't letting anyone piss in my Cornflakes Stay the hell out my face, and I will stay out of your way I know that life is cruel, and lately it ain't fair at all You hate your job, your phone is lost, there's evil men and racist cops Yeah, I don't care if you are black or white or gay or straight Or old or young or smart or dumb or where you're from or what you make The only thing I care about is living like I'm not afraid Of dying while I'm sleeping, so I seize it while I'm still awakeWe're so angry, hating everyone we don't know We can't even take a joke, we should really let it go And be happy, stop talking shit on our phones And blocking everyone we know, we've been being buttholes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueyNLoRWdao "American Dreamz"

We're distracted by free porn and compilation videos of puppies and kittens While our children use the internet to bully one another and then purchase ammunition So addicted to your phone that you ignore the kids and never give them any supervision So they learn to build a bomb with things you keep inside your kitchen and you wonder how they ended up with life inside of prison We mourned a dead gorilla, but don't care when it's a person, we're forgetting that we're human We're angry that chickens are being locked up in cages and then forget we do the same to kids in our institutions When they ask you about stupid shit, you tell 'em they should Google it Then you wonder why the troubled youth are homicidal lunatics You think it's tragic when a shooter killed a student But then say it's all a plan for them to change the constitution

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4tAbwi31I "Castles"

Everybody's got a story; if you look a little closer, you can see it in the wrinkles in their face They can hide it in the silence, they can bury it and fight it, but it comes out when their hair is turning grey You can feel it if you touch 'em, you can tell that they are troubled, you can hear the story running through their veins We all travel different roads, and we put on different clothes; underneath it all, we're really all the same

Everybody has a tale that they're too afraid to tell, you can see it in the cracks in their hands They can cover it with smiles; if you walk a couple miles in their shoes, then you'll know where they stand Everyone who really lived had to climb out of a ditch they were in before they found the right path If you wanna know the truth about what we've been going through, then try to put your phone away so you can ask

We've all got problems, and we all feel alone We've all been haunted by the secrets we hold We could fill our coffins with the rocks they have thrown Or we could build our castles with the sticks and the stones We've all got problems, and we all feel alone We've all been haunted by the secrets we hold We could fill our coffins with the rocks they have thrown Or we could build our castles with the sticks and the stones

We are the neighbors that you'll never meet We are the strangers walking down your street We are a million faces in the crowd We are the ones the system's tearing down We are the people working to survive We are more than just our nine-to-fives We are the shopping malls and streetcars We are one, it's time to tell 'em just who we are

#Tom MacDonald

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

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zachsgamejournal · 3 years

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COMPLETED: Resident Evil 7

This is the most I've enjoyed a Resident Evil since RE2 on PS1. May actually like it more than Code Veronica...

I kinda hated the freight ship section. By this point, I felt the game was done. But the designers were like: Nope, we're gonna have an environment as large as all previous sections combined, more enemies to face, start your gear at zero, and halfway through, make you replay areas via a flashback that's length to story ratio is 100:1.

The remote bombs were...a weird addition. I could place them on the floor, but not...you know...toss them. For like, when you're being assaulted by slimy monsters with shark teeth...And still, the game gives you a ton of them!

Turns out, I wasn't far from the end of the freight ship. So that was good. Then we end up at the salt mine. Turns out Lucas was just playing along...weird. So he got his arm cut off and everything on purpose? Like, he's a legit psycho?

I'm really confused about where the fetuses with curing abilities are coming from...ah well.

So we get some background info: Eveline was a fetus that was mutated to have super powers. She could infect folks, and cause hallucinations: presenting herself has a young girl. She, having never had a childhood, wants a family--so takes over a family and has them kidnap folks to add to their "family", but she's a psychotic child raised by other psychos, so everyone under her influence ends up violent and cruel.

And she vomits up monsters, or something...

Into the salt mine. I thought this was gonna be another section of exploring and puzzle solving, but it's actually quite linear. Seems they designed it to be the action section since they constantly send you up against molded, and drop healing items and ammo EVERYWHERE! I didn't need that because I had amassed so many healing items and weapons by playing frugally.

It's just like when I replayed Resident Evil 1--early on every zombie is life or death, and every bullet and herb is precious. But by the end, you become Terminator, can't die and tons of ammo.

There's a spiral climb at one point, and I just ran from everything. If you move quick enough, it's pretty clear of enemies. First molded was an easy side step. The second was a crawler and he trapped me on a catwalk. I was getting hit from behind, so had to kill that one. The third guy was just a walker, so I shot him once to get him to stumble, making the walk around easy.

And that was it. Salt Mine done. Which I was thankful, cause that damn tanker section!!

So we end up at the beginning, in the old house, reliving some Mia interactions via hallucinations. Not worried, cause I'm more well armed than an American Police force with more medicine than a...uh, pharmacy...I guess.

The phase one fight with Eveline was...unimpressive. But it was more about the story...I guess? I'm torn between being done with the game, and expecting a boss-fight on par with previous ones. But alas, we simply stab old-lady Eveline (nice twist) in the neck with a cure. She asks, "Why does everyone hate me" -- heart breaking, then talks about how it hurts. Almost as emotionally confusing as the end of Alien Resurrection.

But then...phase 2.

Instead of dying, Eveline turns into a giant tentacle monster. I guess it's inevitable that Resident Evil end on a ridiculous note. As grounded as much of the game is, they had to go big. But it's a pretty lame fight. You just shoot at mega-Eveline until a helicopter drops you special gun (Kind of like Brad dropping a rocket launcher at the end of Resident Evil 1 - wink, wink).

So she dies...for realz this time. And Chris Redfield appears in an Umbrella Helicopter. I'm glad he's not mega-Chris from Resident Evil 5, but he also doesn't look "his age". I don't know, seemed like unnecessary name dropping, but also no harm, no foul. Ethan hops in the chopper, finding Mia alive. Aw, so it is a love story!

But then the game gives this cheesy epilogue, blaming Eveline for being horrible--even calling her an "it". And then talks about how Mia just wants to put everything behind her. Everything being that Mia worked for a shady organization making horrible bio-weapons, and as part of her duties, helped hold a traumatized child captive and then attempted to kill her when the girl inevitably escaped??

Eveline was the real victim in this story. She did horrible things because she was child that wasn't properly loved and raised. No shit she wants to build a family. Her saying, "Why does everyone hate me", heartbreaking. I have kids. They're selfish, violent, impulsive bastards sometimes--but they're really sweet and just need people to love them.

Eveline wasn't given love. She was given orders, and restrictions. No surprise that she lashed out, and she did so in the ways she could: vomiting up molded zombies and possessing people.

So bosses...talk about unbalanced.

Boss 1: I had a single clip of ammo, maybe two healing items, and a pocket knife. All got used really quickly. I think you're not supposed to shoot him, just get the car keys. But it was confusing and intense, because I didn't know what to do. CHALLENGE: 3/5.

Boss 2: Jack again, but now it gets real. Moving around is awkward, and the second half involves a chainsaw duel. I used up at least 10 rounds of shotgun shells, all my healing items, and died at least 10 times trying to beat this boss. I almost switched to easy. CHALLENGE: 5/5.

Boss 3: Marguerite as a crazy bug lady. This was kind of the scariest battle, as she drops in out of nowhere and from behind. And if you don't constantly attack her, she sends bugs after you. This one drove me a bit nuts, but eventually I found the winning strategy. CHALLENGE: 4/5.

Boss 4: Super molded. I basically hid around the corner of the elevator and used all my shotgun shells on it. A few shots from the pistol and the thing was down. Not sure I even took damage. CHALLENGE: 1/5.

Boss 5: Mutant Jack. He was so big that he couldn't move around and hide like previous bosses. I maybe was hit once or twice, but it was nothing. The eyes were obvious weak points. CHALLENGE: 2/5.

Boss 6ish: Two Super-Moldeds. Kind of reminds of the big infected guys from The Last of Us. While they killed me the first time (very quickly), on my second attempt, I kept the elevator between us and used all my grenade launcher ammo against them (which I had been saving). They didn't touch me. CHALLENGE: 2/5.

Eveline Phase 1: Walk towards her, block when she shock waves. Timing was semi awkward. I died once. CHALLENGE: 1/5.

Eveline Phase 2: Shoot at a giant target that doesn't appear to do any actual damage. Could have been a cutscene. CHALLENGE: 1/5.

It's so weird that the hardest bosses were at the beginning. I guess this is where you have consider experience vs challenge. But for survival horror, challenge is part of the experience. You're supposed to be scared of bosses.

I think the final Eveline battle should have the player running through the swamp. Eveline's tentacles swimming after you, and in front of you, giving birth to molded with familiar faces (Like Mia) to freak you out. And that keeps happening until the player is out of ammo and healing supplies. Once you've used your last heal and bullet, Chris Redfield snipes the molded. You watch as the Eveline Mass rises to attack the helicopter. Chris takes aim with the Wesker gun, fires a shot at a tentacle arm--it calcifies and shatters! Eveline freaks out and smacks the chopper, sending the gun flying to the ground. You see it 10 yards away. You run to it, grab it, turn--Mia appears before you. "I'm one with her now. If you kill her, we'll never be together." If you hesitate too long, Mia kills you. If shoot, she shatters--Eveline attacks, final few shots: END.

Ah well. It was a good game and I'll probably play it again. I could see this being a semi-regular replay for me, right there with RE1 and RE2.

#Zach's Game Journal #COMPLETED #Resident Evil 7 #Stadia #Monsters need love too!#Video Games

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ernmark · 6 years

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oh my god this new episode holy shit

Okay, folks, spoilers under the cut.

But before that: if you have triggers, check the episode notes before you listen. I know it’s basically the same list of triggers as in most episodes, but this time it gets pretty intense.

Q) Why did I not see the proliferation of the THEIA coming?

A) Because it seemed so absurdly, prohibitively expensive that you could only realistically buy one or two of the bionic eyes.

And that would have been a problem, except 1) Ramses is richer than God, and 2) I think the bionic interface itself is the expensive bit, not necessarily the software. Once he had the THEIA developed (and you know he commissioned that shit), you know he just found a way to slap it on people. And we saw that foreshadowed expertly in the sewer bots.

I’ve said it before: good writing feels like a good riddle: when it happens it completely catches you by surprise, but when you go back and think about it it seems completely obvious.

Here’s the thing about really, really good foreshadowing: it doesn’t feel like foreshadowing. Every piece of foreshadowing feels like its own end, rather than a means to prepare us for something else.

The THEIA Spectrum? Was totally just a thing to persuade Juno to come to Ramses’ side, right?

The THEIA Bots? Totally to clear the sewers. I was expecting more robots like them, but not like that.

Overriding Juno’s nervous system to the point of making him shoot better, controlling his pulse, giving him trauma-specific nightmares, and freezing his whole body on command? Fucked up enough to be a thing to be defeated on its own.

But it’s not just that. Look at Ramses himself:

He was a micromanager to an obscene degree.

JUNO: What I’d like is two minutes to collect myself.Little needy of you to call me on the car ride to you. (Lesson Learned)

But within days made himself indispensable, filling in every gap in workflow he could find, learning every job that needed doing, and, most importantly, playing emotional translator to some of the more ‘gifted’ artists on staff. We called him a writer, but really he was always more editor or manager… (Long Way Home)

He was a master manipulator– of Sarah, of Juno, of Yasmin Swift, of the entire population of Hyperion City

But every so often something would go wrong. His grand plot to give Sarah the profits fell through when she refused his hush money– and as a result he filed for a restraining order. Jocelyn got impatient for him to write a decent version of Andromeda 3, and erupted into a truly alarming screaming rant. They want to use NorthStar’s funds to make something that’ll the profit the company instead of forcing mass layoffs of the rest of their staff, and he cuts and runs.

JACK: Damn the deadline! You’re exactly the problem, Jocelyn, focusing on the smallest issues when you should be solving the big ones, taking the solution now over the solution that works— DO NOT SPEAK while I am speaking! (Long Way Home)

And notice the common thread there: this is when he has a vision for a Big Master Plan, and somebody else doesn’t want to go along with it, so he gets absolutely furious with them– and then throws them away altogether.

So how do you save people? You make sure that they always agree with you and never even have the option to go against your Master Plan. After all, you know best, don’t you? And his plans were always meticulous and perfect, so long as everybody else always behaved exactly as he wanted them to.

Rita points out that even the THEIA isn’t a proper AI– it can’t learn or change and grow, it’s just a thousand copies of the exact same complex program. And one that is very flawed and vulnerable to viruses.

Funny that. Expect to see Rita bring down the whole system the minute she gets a chance.

On the subject of really good foreshadowing: Khan’s fixation with stun blasts and heart conditions, plus what we saw of Vespa being nearly killed by a stun blast when she was high up.

Not gonna lie, before Juno narrated what happened, I assumed that Mick was standing on the balcony and got blasted off the fourteenth story. Thank god that wasn’t what happened, because there’s no bringing somebody back from that kind of fall.

I knew Mick would be the one they go to. I knew Mick would be the prime target that sends Juno over the edge. But God, I wasn’t expecting this. The whole sequence made my skin crawl.

And even when we were in Mick’s apartment, I didn’t see it coming. I honest to god thought it was the tea– that there are nanites in the water or something (to be fair, I just got done playing We Happy Few, where the water is drugged to fuck and back).

So I have feelings about Mick Mercury.

All this time, he’s been “setting the record for going nowhere fast”. People think of him as a loser, and a lot of times he thinks of himself as one.

And then comes the THEIA, and suddenly he’s put together, and refined, and capable of superhuman feats, and he makes tea and everything.

How’s he going to feel about giving that up? Will he be relieved to be rid of it, or will a part of him still miss what it made him?

I want to point out how very sick Ramses sounds here. I keep coming back to the theory that he’s dying, but I’m serious: He’s on death’s door.

“Time. Time. Just give me time. This will work. It has to.”

It speaks to Matthew Zahnzinger’s skill as a voice actor that Ramses actually starts to sound more lively when he’s with Juno, and then even more when he’s absolutely furious– and when he calms down he sounds even sicker than before. He’s got so little life left in him. I’d really feel for the guy if I didn’t want to beat his skull in with a tennis racket.

It’s not just confidence that has him offering to completely capitulate to Juno’s demands after 24 hours– I don’t think he has much more than that left to him, and who the hell cares where his money goes when he’s dead?

On that note, the THEIA is pre-programmed to be self-replicating.

“Only Newtown residents and certain select guests can enter Newtown until the city adjusts to our idea”. By which he means the Newtown residents will leave the city, infect other people, and those people will be ‘select guests’.

Once it’s stable and well-seated in Newtown’s populace, the people already infected with the THEIA Soul will make more and infect the rest of Hyperion City, and after that we’ve pretty much got a Borg situation.

As for Ramses’ conversation with Juno:

God, that was hard to listen to.

In the first eight minutes or so, Ramses is surprisingly endearing. We know enough by now to realize it’s a smokescreen, but it sounds sympathetic and real, because that’s how he works. He makes himself the good guy.

But then Juno shuts him down, cuts him off, assures him that he’s never going to forgive him, and Ramses switches tack. He showers Juno with facts– incomplete facts, facts that only show one very sketchy and incomplete version of the truth, but facts that Juno can’t refute and doesn’t have enough information to argue against.

And then he backs up his facts with emotional triggers– he’s “recycling” equipment from the police force that robbed Sarah blind all those years ago, and then he slips in the idea that that’s what drove her to abuse her kids, rather than his own actions.

Smoke and mirrors. Fucking smoke and mirrors.

But once again, Juno cuts him off and refuses to be baited, but his ire is up. Ramses is already under his skin and in his head, even if he isn’t entirely pulling the strings yet.

And then Ramses turns it around and starts asking him questions that Juno can’t answer. Now Juno feels stupid and unprepared, and Ramses knows it. And while Juno is struggling to put his thoughts into words, Ramses starts absolutely steamrolling him with emotionally loaded facts and ideas too quickly for Juno to argue with, and you can see Juno start to crumple under the onslaught.

And he plays with this insidious premise that what he’s already done is irrelevant, and only future action matters– ignoring the fact that he did all of this in secret specifically so he wouldn’t be stopped, and that he’s got even more of this plan up his sleeve in ways that Juno couldn’t possibly predict. And he spins it all in such a way that Juno can’t argue, because he puts all the burden of proof on Juno and writes off anything Juno says as too emotional.

The whole thing is so slimy it made me want to take a shower.

And Juno still holds on.

And he legitimately lands blow after blow that Ramses can’t deflect: He brings up the rabbits. He points out that Ramses keeps discarding his ideas out of hand. He dismantles Ramses’ narrative that Juno was “saving Ben” by letting Jack into Sarah’s office. And he takes Ramses’ attempts to use his feelings about Sarah against him, but he turns them about.

I’m so fucking proud of him for it.

If this is a verbal boxing match, Juno starts off strong, falls behind, and then hits Ramses with wallop after wallop until Ramses has to pull out entirely and find another way to beat him– by which he means sending him out into New Town to get himself infected with yet another THEIA.

Motherfucker.

So… Juno has money.

Just from Ramses, or has he been having lots of money coming in for a while now?

I mean, it’s not like he’s been spending it on anything except booze, has he?

#Anonymous #the penumbra podcast #100

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tessatechaitea · 5 years

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Teen Titans Spotlight #8: Hawk

Whenever I wield a flamethrower, I like to do a bit of grappling with my enemy first.

And right out of the gate! First fucking panel! Christ, Hank Hall!

This comic book is from 1987 so even though I had a gut feeling that "zipperheads" was super racist, I still had to look it up to make sure. So now my Google search history contains a search for "zipperhead"! Man, I hope I don't get gunned down in a mass shooting over the next few days! Not like anybody will be able to log onto my laptop by guessing my new super racist password!

Visually, I don't like what this panel is implying!

How long did Hank Hall carry that stupid hang glider kit around with him before some editor huffed, "Just give him fucking flight powers already!"? I love when a comic book introduces a sexy woman and then has the main character instantly refer to her as a "kid." Way to make me feel like a pedo, comic books! I mean, I expect to feel like a pedo when reading Deathstork. But not Teen Titans Spotlight On Colon! Two soldiers begin following Hank and the Sexy Kid but Hank knows how to deal with them! First he calls them dinks which is weird because how does he know they're a committed couple with no children? And you'll never guess what he does second! Oh, you guessed. Yeah, he punches them in the face.

Ha! I bet Hank is feeling pretty dumb about his dink comment now!

The sexy kid's name is Lupe. She works for the Queen of the Hive whom Hank has traveled to South America to see. She was a huge fan of Hawk's sneaking panel last issue so she wanted a memorable walking away panel of her own.

You would think she's running away because of the violent man comment but really she's just headed to the Jeep. I have no idea why a couple Slendermen make an appearance.

I only included the second panel in the above image to show I wasn't lying like I totally hardly ever do. She really was just heading back to the car. Hank and Lupe drive into the jungle to meet with Arachnid, the creature composed of billions of other insects. He's waiting to give them a ride on a gigantic tick that's also probably composed of other insects. If these insects have such great powers of transformation, why can't they take the form of a limousine or a helicopter or Heidi Klum? I'm not too impressed. Arachnid and the giant tick take Hawk and Lupe deep into some jungle ruins to relax before meeting the Queen of the Hive. Relaxing means eating dinner topless and now I regret never having relaxed with anybody in high school. Although after eating, Hank is swarmed with bugs so thankfully that regret only lasted a few seconds. I knew it was a trap, Gabrielle Ruggero! Although now that I'm remembering Gabrielle, how likely would it have been to die from bug bites?! The regret is back! Lupe drugs Hank so that when she reveals the big surprise (that she's the queen! Surprise!), he'll be too fucked up to remember that she's a kid when he puts his face in her pleasure region. Hank's main concern isn't that Lupe might be a little young but that he might be sticking his dick in a vagina made from cockroaches. "No homo, dude!" is probably what Hank would say when he learned his cock touched a cockroach.

"She told me she was as ancient as the first life that crawled on Earth" is no excuse for statutory rape. Better play it safe and go jerk off in a bush, Hank!

Queen Lupe tells Hank her life's story which doesn't include any proof that she's older than sixteen. I thought she would be all, "I was born within the buzzing chaos of a hornet's nest!" But instead, she's all, "My whole village was slaughtered and I followed a butterfly to safety where it taught me how to spell and rub my genitals on the soft moss of the river rocks while thinking of someone like you."

Don't worry. She's probably nine hundred and sixty-two here.

The Queen of the Hive didn't just bring Hank Hall all this way to fuck him. She also needs his help defeating a white colonialist named Toxicator. I'm not sure what his power or his plans are but who cares? You don't call yourself Toxicator because you're looking to make the world a better place. Hank asks Lupe her age one more time and she's all, "Older than you!" So that cinches it and they fuck all night. In the morning, Lupe is all, "Um, I don't mean to be rude but could you get the fuck out of my bed and go defeat the Toxicator already?!" I bet while she was fucking Hank, she was dreaming of a mossy rock by a waterfall. Seriously, Hank doesn't seem the type of guy to care about a woman's needs. Hank wastes valuable time putting his PVC hang glider together before finally heading off to stop the men ruining the environment. It's not the kind of thing he usually cares about but he got some action out of it and now feels slightly obligated to give a shit. What a hero. On his way to talk to the lead man behind the deforestation, the rest of the man's crew begins shooting at him. It's a good thing because now he knows he can be as rough as he wants! It would have looked bad if Hank just showed up and started punching a guy in the face without getting his side of things. Maybe the Queen of the Hive just doesn't want the white man discovering her nuclear testing facility!

Apparently nobody on the board of the Comics Code Authority could speak Mexican Spanish.

Just like any good Californian, I've always known the phrase "Chinga tu madre" to mean fuck your mother. I've also never put any thought to the phrase than that. Apparently, it's got a lot more subtlety and nuance that I've been ignorant about. And used in this context, where a guy just yells "Chinga!", I can see why maybe it wouldn't offend (especially to some East Coast editor who didn't grow up with the phrase "chinga tu madre" and was just working from an English-to-Spanish dictionary). Or maybe they just didn't care? I certainly don't! Or maybe the person who reviewed this issue let it go because they were working on The Flash and the memo in the background reads, "Buy The Flash by us guys!" The Toxicator interrupts Hawk's interrogation of this guy who is probably just a secretary. He looks exactly like the rejected G.I. Joe action figure you'd expect him to look like. He and Hawk talk mercenary trade secrets for a bit until The Toxicator is reminded that he's getting paid a lot of money to protect this deforestation company. At that moment, he shoots Hank in the face with his super-soaker full of what I'm assuming are toxic chemicals. One of the guard's speeches is translated with a note that it's translated from the Portuguese which is when I realize this is taking place in Brazil. Whoops! That also explains the "chinga" thing although in Portuguese, "chingar" means "to scold." So I don't know if it totally explains it! Sometimes when a guy crashes through my front window causing me to shit my pants, I yell, "Scold!" I should have know they were in Brazil since the first panel says Hank is landing at an airfield in "Matto Grosso." But since it's spelled incorrectly, I can pretend that I thought it was just a made up place! Hank's lungs are now full of something called u-cyclotron so he has to escape on the giant tick. To revive, he has to suckle at Lupe's breast. Man, I really wasn't paying enough attention to this comic book in 1987! I could have told Gabrielle that my lungs were full of u-cyclotron and there was only one remedy!

"So, uh ... cough cough ... Gabrielle. Um, I've got a weird ... cough cough ... request?" "Who the fuck are you, nerd?"

Oh yeah. That's totally how that would have went down. My regrets are many but not hitting on Gabrielle Ruggero definitely isn't one of them. You gotta remember your limits! Hank comes up with a new plan after tripping balls off of Lupe's breast milk. He tells her to gather all the bees together and make sure they drink deeply of her titty juice. Then he has them sting all of the invaders so that they're out of their minds from the hallucinations. At that point, it's just a simple matter of telling them he's God and that they really need to change their ways. Being backwards Brazilian Catholics full of Portuguese and Native superstitions as opposed to logical white oppressors, they're all, "Chinga me! Chinga me, God! Tell me what I've done wrong my entire life and fix it!" Boom! Problem solved and Hank Hall got laid to boot! Teen Titans Spotlight #8: Hawk Rating: B+. It's a good thing the writer clarified that Lupe was older than sixteen. I mean, she didn't offer any valid proof or anything. She just said she was! But it's not like a sixteen year old would lie about her age just because she was thirsty for some big super hero dick, right?! Also, she's completely fictional so who fucking cares?! Anyway, it was a decent story that ended rather abruptly and super weirdly (even if I lied about the breast milk which was really just rare pollen used to make healing mead). How can you go wrong with a comic book that shows an ass, uses the slur "zipperhead," and swears in another language?! I bet Comicsgaters hold this comic book up as a triumph of what the medium can produce!

#Teen Titans Spotlight #DC Comics #Hawk #Hawk and Dove #DC #Teen Titans

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shewolfofficial · 5 years

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Dad!Levi x Mom!Reader ~ Run Pt. 2

Warning: Cursing, Slight Angst at the end

Summary: You spend a few days with Levi and your friends still in the forest, one night you recieve news that the Scouts were no longer criminals

A/N: If there's any grammar mistakes please excuse them, I've started to write fanfiction after midnight and I become tired when I'm reading over it for mistakes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You woke up to birds chirping and quiet chatter from around you, opening your eyes you glanced down to your side where Rose was supposed to be sleeping only to find her not there. Shooting up like a bullet you failed to notice everyone was already awake including your two daughters. "Mommy I'm here don't worry" Rose came out from behind the tree holding a bunch of flowers she picked in her little hand "o-oh I thought you went off by yourself" you chuckled dryly to your young child who giggled and walked over to Sasha and Connie who were eating a cooked fish. You could see Levi sitting by the small river on a large stone talking to Isabelle, probably bitching about people they don't like since you usually catch them doing it.

"Good morning Y/N" Armin chirped to you as you stretched a little "good morning Armin, mornin' Mikasa" you greeted him and the girl who stood next to him. "You both get enough sleep?" you asked them as they both nodded "what about you? How are you holding up?" Mikasa replied while you shrugged "I'm alright, nothing to worry about here" you snickered as she nodded. "Well looks like someone is finally awake!" a teasing voice came from behind you, immediately knowing who it belonged to you rolled your eyes playfully turning around to face Jean who wore a devious grin "well good morning to you too.... JEAN BOYYYYY!!" you shouted to him before laughing, hearing Armin and Mikasa titter from behind you. "Jean boyy!" Sasha called out from across the little river making you laugh harder. "Oh shut up potato girl" Jean growled before facing you "if you want it that way, fine Y/N this means war" he snickered before appearing next to you and leaning on your shoulder trying to imitate your voice " 'Oh Captain Levi! I am a damsel in distress oh please save me my knight in shining armor! ' "Jean exclaimed gaining Rose's and Isabelle's attention as they watched you both.

Frowning you shot him a glare as a pink blush dusted your cheeks "sorry what was that? I couldn't hear you over the attempts of you trying to impress Mikasa" you snickered as Jean's eye twitched. "Oh I'm sorry! What was that Y/N? I didn't hear you over the fact that you never stop fawning over the Captain!" Jean shot back frowning.

Isabelle nudged Levi's side resulting in him looking to her in confusion, the only response he got was a gesture towards you and Jean trying to embarrass and insult each other. "I've actually never seen this side of mom before... It's strange but funny" Isabelle mutters as she and Levi both watch you and Jean torment each other.

Armin was now clinging onto your arm to try restrain you after Jean said that you pissed yourself on your first expedition out loud. Boy were you furious at him. "YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVET SPEAK OF IT AGAIN YOU BITCH!" you screeched in horror to the male who laughed at your expression. "Oh well at least we know who won this war right Y/N?" Jean snickered before you sent him a death glare. "You should really stop drawing pictures of Mikasa and leaving them around in the dorm Jean Boy!" you watched his face drop in terror as he paled "fine I give up you win" Jean pouted in disappointment. "Momma bear wins again!" you say proudly as Rose claps excitedly from beside you "great job mommy! Here, have a flower!" Rose smiled as she placed a flower behind your ear. "Thank you sweetie~" you sang to her kissing her forehead.

Rose was a very innocent and kind child, she would always make sure you, Levi and everyone else was happy or she'd try to cheer them up. You could tell she would be a kind young woman when she grows up. Isabelle was quite the daddy's girl, she would be interested in fighting, the Military and topics related to it. She had the personality of her father and wouldn't hesitate to jump into a fight if she wanted.

Getting lost in thought Levi didn't notice you and Rose arriving in front of him until you waved a hand in front of him "Leviii? Helllooo? You there or are you in cloud 9?" you joked hearing Isabelle snicker as Levi's gaze darted up to meet yours. "What?" he asked as you placed your hands on your hips "what's the plan for today cap?" you smirk at him "we're waiting for Hanji to return with news on the MP situation in the capital, we may be closer to not being considered as criminals anymore" Levi says as Rose sat on his knee. "Right..Well thanks for bringing me up to date anyway" you say watching Rose hand a flower to Levi and Isabelle as he bounces her on his knee. "Has... The whole house been destroyed..?" Levi asks quietly looking at you, sighing you nod "currently we're homeless, quite literally since we are in a forest" you snicker at your own joke as Levi playfully rolls his eyes.

"I'll sort the housing situation out with Historia once we get her and Eren back" Levi says as you shake your head. "Nope you can leave that to me mister! You'll probably threaten her or something" you smile to Levi who clicks his tongue "probably... Fine.. You do it then" he says knowing you won't give up until he agrees.

// Time Skip - 4 hours later \\

You watched the sunset over the hill through a gap in the trees, E/C orbs watching the blazing mass of fire and heat slowly disappear over the hills, hearing rustling of grass come up from behind you-you were soon joined by Levi who sat next to you in silence. A few minutes passed and Levi broke the silence "Sasha wants to bring you hunting for food for dinner, you know, since it's animals and all that shit so.." Levi spoke as you nodded your head laying back on the grass lookin up to the darkening sky starting to be speckled with stars. "I'll go with her in a minute.. I'm just watching the view you know?" you reply as Levi nods looking over your features, sighing he tore his silver orbs off you "I'm sorry I brought you and the kids into this mess... You three were doing just fine" he mumbles in guilt, shooting up you look at him. "Don't dare blame yourself for us being dragged into this shit, it's not your fault, it's more of my fault since I disgarded the thought of all scouts being labelled as wanted, that included the ones who retired. It's my fault not yours so don't beat yourself up over it" you say as your mother tone kicks in. Levi shakes his head running a hand through his dark hair "If Hanji wasn't there when those pigs had you at gunpoint you and the girls would be dead, I should have fucking been there to protect you three like a good father and husband" he bites his lip as I wrap my arms around him. "Nonono Levi what did I say about beating yourself up over it? What are you talking about? You're a brilliant father! The girls love and admire you! Don't forget you're an amazing husband, you've protected us and supported us more than I can count" you exclaim to him. Holding Levi in your embrace as you rocked gently back and forward.

"Now I'm going to go hunting with Sasha and we're going to get everyone dinner for tonight, if I come back and you're still beating yourself up over it you'll have to listen to me rant about how great of a father and husband you are for god knows how long, ya hear me?" you couldn’t help the smile that tugged on your lips as you pulled you both up, resting both your hands on his shoulders. "Let momma bear take care of daddy bear and the cubs for tonight" you giggle as Levi smiles a little before leaning in and kissing your lips, kissing back you nip his lower lip before pulling away. "Now come on soldier boy, let's go back to the others" you say holding his hand and dragging him back to the others.

// Time Skip - After Dinner \\

You and Sasha managed to score a deer and hauled it back to camp where you gained some surprised faces. "Mom is that one of Santa's reindeers!? Did you kill one" Rose exclaims on the verge if tears thinking you killed Rudolf or something. "No she didn't Rose, Santa's reindeers live In the North Pole remember?" Levi instantly soothes the young girl as she clings to him.

The deer actually tasted really nice and Rose even ate it. Leaving everyone with full stomachs and tired minds, Armin and the others began going to bed. "Rose you can stay with me tonight up in the tree yeah?" Isabelle offered as Rose nodded excitedly to sleep in the tree with her big sister.

Gaining some remaining heat from the campfire you heard the light snores from all around you, presuming everyone was asleep you stayed up getting as much heat from the dying flames. That didn't last long until arms sneakily wrapped around your waist as you felt someone digging their head into the crook of your neck, catching a glimpse of Levi's raven hair you calmed down as he cuddled into you. You could hear Levi let out a low growl from behind you "what was that you were saying earlier? 'Let momma bear take care of daddy bear and the cubs for tonight'? Looks like you already done your part now why don't we switch roles... Let me take care of you tonight" Levi whispers before biting on your neck making you squeak. Standing up Levi pulled you up before dragging you a little bit away from the camp. "Levi where are we going?" you ask as he leads the way "tch.. Don't worry" was all he responded with.

// Next Day \\

You sat at the trunk of a tree watching Sasha and Connie talk to your daughters, Isabelle seemed to have a blush on her cheeks which made you snicker seeing how she formed a crush on Connie. Levi was out collecting sticks and twigs incase you needed to start a fire with Mikasa and Jean. Armin fishing in the river and you just sat there chilling, not really in the mood since you were sore from last night so you didn't fancy probably embarrassing yourself in front of everyone.

Noticing figures approaching in the distance made you quirk an eyebrow soon recognising them as Levi, Mikasa and Jean coming back with firewood you could hear Levi order them to drop it in a pile where the last camp-fire was situated.

Soon enough the darkness of night begun to creep up and arrive that signalling dinner time, luckily you managed to catch a rabbit but immediately got attached to the white fluffy animal and quickly be-friended it.

Now resulting in you holding the litte creature to your chest as everyone stared at you like a hungy pack of wolves. "Y/N hand over the rabbit" Jean said reaching for it, scurrying backwards your back his against the tree. "Cone on Y/N it'll be quick and easy, it won't feel a thing" Connie tries as you shake your head pouting. Levi walked past them giving you a fed up expression "Y/N give it." he said squinting his eyes down to you holding out his hand. Wrapping the small ball of fluff in your arms protectively you refuse Levi which makes him frown at you. "Y/N it won't feel a thing, just hand it over" Levi attempted once more before you sighed and gently passed the small bunny to Levi, holding it by the stomach with one hand he turned his back to you. A few seconds later you heard a firm snap making you flinch as the rabbit dangled from Levi's grip on it's ears.

You literally had to force yourself to eat a part of the cooked rabbit which made you gag, rabbits had been your favourite animal since you were young. Managing to befriend one then have it immediately die a few minutes later upset you. Once you finished eating your friend you laid against a tree outside the small circle of people eating your little friend. Not long after Hanji appeared with Moblit with news on the whole government issue. The fake king had been exposed and the scouts were no longer criminals. Watching everyone jump and shout for joy including your two daughters, sitting in the background watching them celebrate you knew since the fake king has been exposed, the mission to retake Wall Maria will be happening once everyone regroups meaning you will have to leave Levi for another while without seeing him.

That could last god knows how long, and it's Wall Maria for bloody sake! The place is full of titans! This made you feel even more sick to the bottom of your stomach with worry about your husband and friends.

You had to admit, not seeing Levi for a few weeks upset you, getting to be reunited with him for under a week made you happy but the thought of having him leave again broke you since there's a chance he might not come back one day.

#attack on titan #levi ackerman #aot #shingkei no kyojin #x reader #levi x reader #levi #snk #levi ackerman x reader #captain levi #fanfiction #captain levi x reader #fanfic #anime #manga

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these-are-the-first-steps · 6 years

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An objective, uninfluenced review and discussion of TLJ after just leaving the theatre- mileage may vary

THIS SPOILER-FILLED REVIEW IS UNDER A CUT. IF YOU SEE A TON OF TEXT AND NO CUT, SCROLL LIKE HELL.

OK, so, some initial take-aways:

-This was a really busy movie

-I feel like they crammed three films into one and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-This did not have the standard feel of a star wars film and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-Too much comedy. Sorry. It was a bit much and ruined the mood in a lot of places imo.

-Holy shit, that was the hottest, most sexualized hands-touching I have ever seen in my life

-My life literally flashed before my eyes when Finn went to kamikaze. They had him get so close to the end, and that tear— jesus fuck I genuinely thought that was going to be the end and I was a mess. God bless you, Rose.

-My life literally flashed before my eyes when Leia was ejected from the ship- they had me going thinking this was how she was gonna go. The force flying was hokey as shit, but you know what? Fuck it. Carrie Fisher can cheat death and fly- it's fucking canon now. Deal with it.

-The music did not blow me away on TLJ as it did in TFA. Most likely because the movie was so damn busy.

-Too many climaxes. Yes, there is such a thing. I was worn out by the end of this film and there was no real catharsis at all because of it.

-I don't know how the fuck they're going to do 9 without Carrie after that ending. Well…I do have one idea, but I kinda hate it.

The Meat:

The scroll this film was interesting, in that its last sentence broke the mold of previous star wars crawls- that was my clue right off the bat that this would not be following the standard 'feel', for lack of a better word, of star wars films. Honestly, I don't expect the off-shoot movies like 'Rogue One' to follow whatever standard 1-7 do, but like I expect it from the main series, and like I said at the beginning, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. At the moment I'm a little disappointed that it deviated so much, but we got so many juicy tidbits and moments to have and to hold that that's kind of outweighing the minor point of format. So, I'll be seeing the film a few more times in various formats before coming to a hard conclusion on this.

Anyway…

HAHA POE GOT SLAPPED! THE SLAP HAPPENED! And it was pretty underwhelming honestly. And then out of nowhere Leia's all charm and kindness again? That really made the whole moment meaningless to me. Like she was never mad enough to slap him to begin with, so why? The moment was ruined by Leia's sharp U-turn and that sucked. They had a real opportunity to bring home just how severe and serious Leia's despair over so much loss has been, but the really watered it down every time, usually with comedy.

There was too much comedy in this film. I get maybe they were trying to lighten it up for the kiddos, but they did it in alllll the wrong places. It really botched the mood of the film repeatedly. The timing was just terrible. I mean right off the bat- sure, Poe's exchange with Hux was hilarious, but man it did not need to be in there. At least not first thing in the film when you're trying to set the tone. What a waste on all ends. That part really frustrated me.

I'm surprised at how soon Kylo bashed his helmet to pieces. That was really soon. Sadly the shock of it just wasn't there for me since I'd seen the trailers, but whatever. It was still a great moment done by Adam exceptionally well.

Mark Hamill was A+++ in this film. Everything about him was great. Absolutely stellar. While TLJ was mass confusion, Luke Skywalker stayed consistent and made linear sense throughout- the only exception being the very end. Why….why did he die again? I'm seriously confused? He looked pained, and I kept waiting for the camera to pan down to explain what was going on- did he actually have a giant saber hole in him from Ben or something? But no- he just flounders on a rock for a bit and then kicks it. I still just do not understand. I don't understand it at all. Also, Rian promised us some big compelling monologue from Luke that would be oscar-worthy and it wasn't there. Where was the monologue? Three sentences strung together do not a monologue make. Sorry, kids. I think Mark did a stellar job, as I said, and they've put him up for an oscar nom, but honestly….I don't think it was oscar-worthy simply because there wasn't enough there due to the over-taxed storyline, and if he does get one, it's gonna be earned out of sentiment more than anything, which….I mean, an oscar is an oscar, but still. You know? Also, we had stills and BTS footage of Luke down in that dark side hole with Rey and we never saw that. I hope Rian releases his director's cut so we get those scenes back- otherwise there's a good chance we'll get them in the novel or something.

Canto Bight was super unnecessary. What an unnecessary, overly-busy, budget-draining side romp. Maz was unnecessary. The whole 'let's get the codes' thing was unnecessary, although Benicio del Toro stole the fucking show with his character- that dude was great, and we'll definitely be seeing him again in 9. He's clearly going to be the side-character replacement for Phasma (RIP gurl). Canto Bight achieved only two things: 1. The FinnRose romance. 2. The stable kids, or at least one of them, has the force. Yep! That kid at the end- when he reaches for the broom, the broom jumps into his fucking hand, y'all. That kid has the force. The force is clearly back with a vengeance in the young babies of the galaxy. And that was it. I feel like they could have achieved both those things in better, more meaningful ways. But no, they wanted to do a casino(?) bit that will likely never be heard of again except in extended merchandising because fuck disney's money-grubbing ways. Oh, I DID like DJ's 'Rogue One' call-back reminder about how literally both sides of this war suck and everyone's trash, especially the warlords growing fat off the profits in the middle. I appreciated that bit. It was also a nice social commentary for a young audience that will hopefully stick with them. It was a cool moment that del Toro played beautifully.

Two words: PORG BABIES. Also, is Chewie vegetarian now? xD I don't think a whole colony of porgs should have come along in the falcon- that was a bit much. Again, comedy in places it didn't need to be. Whatever. Moving on.

Laura Dern's character dying was a waste, but you know what? That move she did was fucking brutal. It was amazing. It reminded me of 'Farscape' 's wormhole-popping maneuver immediately, plus extreme bonus damage. Just a beautiful sight.

Rose was great- Kelly Marie Tran knocked that shit out of the park. Laughs, tears, she ran the fucking gamut. I know we were all expecting more from her character's sister, but I guess it was the necessary setup to give her the impetus to go take risks. No complaints at all about Rose- I thought she was lovely.

Wow did Poe get a lot of screen time. He got a lot of screen time. I feel like Poe maybe learned some shit, but I honestly don't feel like Finn learned a whole lot which was disappointing. Even on Canto Bight he was like 'No, we're not doing this! Stop enjoying it!' Growth for him would be to start letting loose a bit, and he just doesn't. I also feel like we were deprived of a closing moment with him at the end of the film- we just get the tender moment with him and Rose, which was sweet, but it felt unfinished. I felt like Finn was more along for the ride in this film than actively moving it, and again I think that's the fault of this film being too damn busy and there not being enough time for things to go smoothly, linearly, and in ways that flowed naturally. There just wasn't time for it, clearly, and so character development suffered- unless you're Poe. Because damn Poe got a lot of screen time.

I felt like we should have spent more time on the salt planet. That felt like another over-done thing that, while the location was necessary, was it necessary to make it so busy? As I write this, I think I'm starting to realize that the backdrops are what have really distracted from the story. The backdrops haven't aided the story at all- they've just severely diverted attention from what's important- i.e. the struggles both literal and emotional happening to our characters. The casino was a riotous mess, visually stunning but constantly pulling my attention away from what was going on. The salt planet had tons of unique features but it didn't serve any purpose to the film. None of these backdrops serviced the story, and I think that's a HUGE problem. With an already busy, intricate web of storylines to keep up with, having all these non-contributing, busy-in-their-own-right backdrops just made it even harder to keep up and stay focused on what was going on. You don't leave the theatre feeling like all the threads came together in the end. You leave the theatre going "Well that was cool…but I feel like I've missed something", because you probably have. Here: YOUR BACKDROP SHOULD NOT BE COMPETING WITH YOUR STORY. Ok, I said it.

Snoke made some comments about Hux that were interesting and then promptly never talked about again. Why's that? Because there was no time. Pity. Anyway, the bit about him being easily manipulated because of his personal issues was great, and I was hoping we'd get to see more of that struggle with Hux, more of that fatal flaw at play- his daddy issues, insecurities about acceptance, etc., but it never came. Instead Hux was wasted on comedic moments. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Once again, unnecessary comedy fucking ruins the mood of this film.

Snoke's demise was shocking but also anti-climactic. They pulled all the power from him in one fell swoop and took this amazingly built-up character, this character that had SUCH cool potential, and Rian just threw it in the trash. I'm pretty disappointed. Actually, I'm really disappointed. No wonder Pablo was so disinterested in Snoke questions- Snoke was made ultimately irrelevant as a character. While the psychological effects of Snoke will continue to be a MAJOR issue, killing him was wasted potential, and now Ben’s lifelong struggle with this creature has been belittled and minimized because of it. That is terrible.

So now we get to the juicy bits- Rey and Ben.

We didn't get to see Rey hardly at all in this film. That….fucking sucked. Poe got more screen time than Rey. Fuck you, Poe. I'm pissed off about this. The only moving, worthwhile moments Rey had were opposite Ben. And boy did Daisy and Adam make the most of very limited screen time. Force Bond ahoy, y'all! We called it and it exists! However, it was really crazy abrupt. There was no lead-up of voices, of the connection establishing itself. One tiny teaser of it would have been enough, but no- suddenly it's just THERE, and the music and sound cuts, and if you weren't us and expecting this kind of force bond communication we've all been writing about prolifically for two years, I'm sure you were like "What the fuck- this is out of left field", because it was. Story-wise, it was. And that's disappointing. You want to see something you love executed well, and while you love and I love the connection, it wasn't executed well. It could have been done better. Again, any kind of hinted lead-up- since it was a surprise for both of them, maybe like a whisper of his voice calling to her in surprise? Or something. Instead we get them both right away, which was a bit blunt. I think it could have used with a bit of finessing. Oh well.

From a story analysis standpoint, I think Snoke's claim that he personally established the connection between them is bullshit. I think he was talking out of his ass, frankly. I think him claiming he forged the bond was back-peddling to try and continue to related all roads back to himself because while he certainly played the all-powerful omnipotence card, he clearly knew he wasn't and worked actively to maintain his illusion to keep Ben in check. But it was all a farce, as we could see, and even Ben knew where all the cracks in Snoke's observational skills were. He didn't really have 24/7 Ben TV. When Ben played him like a goddamn fiddle with that sneak attack, Ben showed that he could cloak and twist his intent in front of Snoke's face all day if he's focused enough, and felt he had enough purpose. He certainly did feel Ben becoming resolved alright. He felt him begin to prepare his saber. But how limited he was in what he could see! How limited, whereas Rey on the other hand….oh, he and Rey have something so much more than Snoke's clearly tenuous hold. Ben was only under the yoke as much as he wanted to be, and that realization is very much a doubled-edged sword. On the one hand, it meant he could find the strength to break free when he found a new purpose in Rey. But on the other, it also means he could have peaced out whenever he wanted and taken the FO with him but clearly he chose not to, which is awful and frustrating. But you know? When you wake up to your uncle looking like he's about to kill you in your goddamned sleep after you've spent years arguing against that sort of thing with the voices insisting your uncle will actually kill you, and suddenly the voices are right and your world is fucking shattered? When the voices become the only viable option in your life? I can get that. I may not agree with it, but I get it. And that's plenty.

Also, can we talk about the story of the school's destruction? So Kylo DID leave with some of the students. Let's make an educated guess and say they are the other Knights of Ren. Nice predicting, y'all. I'm sure they'll become major players in 9 as Kylo attempts to step into his role as supreme leader- while Snoke had the red guard, Kylo will have his knights. Cool. Very cool.

To back-track a little, I enjoyed the force chats between Rey and Ben a lot. I feel like more of them happened that we weren't shown. Even as Rey was recounting her brush with the dark side cave, you can tell she'd already been telling the story for a long while and he'd spent a long while listening. But again, with little finessing with all this, for those not expecting reylo the care they begin to have for each other seems really abrupt. Sorry, general audience- I wish it could have been better, too. But let's take what we can get, shall we? Kylo debases himself in front of Rey- admits he's a monster and then cries about it. I love it. Then he gives her the answer she wants in the form of advice, which was a fantastic bit of writing. After that, she inexplicably mellows out to him quite a bit and there's storytime in the stone house, the exceptionally warm lighting, as their hands achingly, hesitatingly touch- an insane amount of effortlessness in making yourself physical in a force-induced manifestation that, for Ben and Rey, resulted in the sexiest finger-touching I've ever seen, and for Luke became such a strain that it killed him. Powerful in the force are these two, indeed. I can't get over how warm that lighting was- literal love by firelight. And then….and then Rey cried it felt so good. And so did Ben. And when Rey recounts what she saw of his future in the elevator when their hands touched, she does this sweet look down at his chest before looking back with care into his face…I was feeling it so hard, man. That is a loving gesture. *I* have acted that way with someone I love. That's a tic that only belongs to lovers, not friends. What kind of 'solid' future did she see for him? With that kind of tic, it makes me wonder if she hadn't seen herself in it, too. Goddammit, ben! Get your shit together, boy!

Rey's lack of social skills, however, really fucking botched things between them, too. Surely there had to be a better way to reason with him than pulling out a goddamned saber. Bad move, sweetheart. And in one fell swoop you broke that man's heart. Everything after Rey's rejection was just bleeding-heart Kylo vomiting his emotions all over the place. I mean he was seriously torn up about it. And what about Rey running off? How come we didn't get that scene? Did she just straight-up split? Or did she stop for a moment to look at Kylo's unconscious, likely peaceful, face? I'm mad we didn't get to see it because it would have said a lot- instead once Rey rejoins the resistance, we get a TON more relationship-dodging. A TON of dodging. Because you know what? The relationship is there, man. Finn's got his gal, and Rey looks on acceptingly at this turn of events. Kylo and Rey have experienced a lot of emotional stuff together at this point- he's the only one that shares her secret about her parents. But you'd never know anything at all had happened to her at the end of the film. It's just business as usual. And that's really weird to me. That's not character growth. A bit of longing there, for what Rey almost, almost, let herself have with Kylo reflected in Finn and Rose's moment, but no- just plain old start-of-tfa Rey apparently. I mean….Rey didn't even ask him about his scar. He never brought up his scar. Was that a scene that got cut? Because how do you avoid that conversation? How do you avoid that? OH! The fight scene- and where she rolls her back onto his back to fight the red guard I WAS LIVING! It was so good, and they kept checking on each other during the fight. I loved it.

I've just been reminded of the shirtless scene- it didn't come off naturally, but I get that they're trying to establish that the bond is manifesting at 'inconvenient' moments, ok whatever. And then Rey goes and spoils the moment with more unnecessary comedy schtick which rolled off Adam beautifully- thank you, Adam. She totally checked him out, though. Maybe she was reliving that moment a little in the elevator when she looked down at his chest. Makes me wonder again just what exactly she saw in his future. I'm here for it.

Why did Rey fucking sail to the FO in a coffin? That made no sense. Although it was cute that Ben came to pick her up like "Hi." but then "Here are some shackles. Sorrynotsorry." I love how she was clearly expecting something else but NOPE.

Also, Rey really does come from nothing, although I don't fucking know how her parents can be in a potter's field in Jakku when Rey last saw them sail off into space. Sounds like hasty writing after being fed up with fans to me. Although Adam rattled it all off beautifully. And I love how Ben loves her regardless of it all. I loved the whole "You knew this the whole time so who cares because I don't? PS: come be my empress, it'll be great." Adam did so well in this film, but I can't help but think, like every fucking thing else, that his screen time was radically choked and that there's TONS more on the cutting room floor that give his acting more of the credit it's due and that flesh out so many more things to help them make more sense. Ugh.

In conclusion. I liked it. I cried when Leia's old holo projection played. I cried like a bitch. But I didn't leave the film feeling like my mind was blown like it'd been with TFA. I don't know if it's because I just felt overwhelmed in more of a bad way than good due to how busy everything was or if it's because I've been analyzing stuff for two years. It's probably a bit of both. Because I avoided the spoilers like the plague, you know? So everything was still new and a surprise, and while I think the film was a total trip that I'd recommend, TFA just felt cleaner, more impactful, and left enough space for all its characters to fully realize themselves instead of the cram-fest that this movie is. And most importantly, TLJ didn't leave enough space for John Williams to create any stand-out moments like in TFA- "The Starkiller" is a piece that gave me fucking goosebumps and that, to this day, will be one of my favorite moments in movie history. To choose a quiet dirge piece for a moment of bloody chaos was absolutely brilliant and shook me to the core, but there was no time for a moment like that in this film and that really bums me out. I was hoping for another moving experience like that.

Reylo's a thing now, but the kids have a lot of work to do on their relationship, because Kylo's in full spurned-lover mode and he's not handling it well. He's now a kid who's been handed all the power in the universe, and if Rey thinks that's not going to backfire, especially with their direct phone line to each other, she's got another thing coming. She's going to have her hands full trying to talk that boy down, and any next encounter between them is going to be incredibly tense and fraught with emotion. He finally outrightly pleaded with her to be with him. And that fucking means something. And Rey's not dimwitted enough not to see that. She knows the implications. She saw his good-ending future, remember- one that, as she recalled it, her eyes drifted to his chest in a very, very affectionate move that was well played by Daisy. In fact, I was so focused on Daisy's performance in that moment that I missed Kylo's reaction so when I see the film again, I'll have to remember to focus on him next time.

And Leia….Carrie was right that 9 was supposed to be Leia's film. I mean…that ending makes it indisputable. How do you work through that? Especially with Luke copping out? Essentially my prediction for what's going to happen is this: Lots, and lots, of Ghost Uncle Luke times. It's the only option they have. Luke's gonna come back, haunt the shit out of Ben and give him terrible girl advice, and then visit Rey and try to teach her some more. It's the only option they have, really. Mark thought he was finally done, but then Carrie just had to go and die- isn't that just typical. I also love how Billie plays such a bigger role in this film. Her performance was great, too, and there were moments where she really sounded like a young Leia that had me tearing up. I love them all so much.

So that's all I got for this initial objective general review of The Last Jedi. I plan to see this film at least once more in standard 2D (my preferred mode), and also in 4DX because why would you not want to be on Star Wars: The Ride for 2.5 hours? It's worth the ticket price. Plus seeing these films in 3D adds a whole new perspective to things, I discovered after seeing 3D TFA. So I'm open to that, too. I had a lot of technical complaints with this film, but otherwise I like the direction it went in, it was a direction I anticipated (minus snoke being wasted as a character- that still sucks), and I'd say as a shipper we got a good 75% of what we wanted. As a shipper, I'd say full steam ahead for the good boat Reylo and I look forward to a hopefully grittier, more distraught atmosphere to really bring shit home in 9. JJ Abrams gave us a very, very solid, coherent story for 7, and I look forward to having that back again for the grand finale. These characters deserve coherency. I love Rian, but he tried to cram too much in too small a space and lot really suffered for it- this was a problem Rogue One had that I hoped wouldn't repeat itself, but here we are. But even Rogue One navigated its complicated story better than TLJ did, I think. I don't know. Again, I need to see this film a few more times before I can really throw the gavel down. But now that this objective review is out, I'm happy to go back to putting my shipper glasses on and appreciating what we do have: Hot hand touches, shirtless Ben Solo, Rey saying 'Ben', Ben saying 'Rey', both of them crying over each other, both of them ogling each other, and the category of Emperor Ren fiction absolutely fucking exploding (and laughing maniacally that my own 'Exigence in force majeure' is now fucking canon-compliant can you believe this shit what is life).

Ok- enjoy the film, friends! TATFS out. PS: Oh yeah, haha, the jedi books were saved- ok. Also, I would love to get my hands on a director’s cut and all the deleted scenes so that I could try my hand at cutting my own version of this film- eliminate or better time 90% of the comedic bits and create a film that’s really darkly compelling and profound. Ok, I’m really gone this time bye.

#tlj #tlj spoilers #reylo #spoilers #star wars #star wars spoilers #star wars review #the last jedi #tlj review #the last jedi review #initial review

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likeabulletyoucanhurtme · 6 years

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I watched another film and wrote about it. Another horror, and very good if you like your films nonsensical and blood by the riverfull. Tokyo Gore Police [spoiler alert]

I decide I want to watch films from listicles and stupid articles posted from facebook. I decide to do reviews/re-action blogs/liveblog posts, not because of the film but just if I have time/effort to put in. When a man's head explodes at one minute into the film you realise that the word GORE is in the title for a reason Someone that happy and perky should not be a dispatch announcer for the police. That would annoy me more than the criminals And now we have cannibalism, a chainsaw and self-harm. This film is not gonna let up is it? Somehow the police shot off chainsaw man's arm...but it grew back as a chainsaw which he can throw at people? Wait it's ok, dispatcher says he's an engineer. All explained now. In all the weird sci-f/horror/fuck physics films I have seen, never have I seen someone basically bazooka the ground to launch themselves up a building. These writers were obviously so drunk but I love it! Selfharm girl with the bazooka cut off chainsaw mans regrown chainsaw arm with his original chainsaw - I hope it doesn't grow back again 8 minutes in and I've seen about 80 litres of fake blood so far. No joke. Ah ok apparently engineer is the name for criminals who can regrow limbs. No-one knows how they do it - in other words we're not getting an answer, who cares, lets carve some heads Her police car has a roof on it? Like a minature roof of a house on top of a car? Is this a Tokyo thing or is this a "weird alternate reality" thing? Police cars have a video link with too-happy dispatcher? Yeah that would really annoy the hell out of me every morning. The police station is an empty warehouse... did they spend their budget on fake blood instead of a realistic office? That crawling thing is a person? I thought it was a dog! Happy-dispatcher has flashcards to show how the victim was killed. Way too happy for this job Adverts for wrist-cutters with a new design and in three different colours - and googly eyes. There are no words...or limits apparently One guy on this public transport with piercings and dyed hair - must be important to the plot Dude is eating fucking maggots or something - thats more sickening than the fake-blood! Pervert is being hit with an umbrella - well done. Creepy groper man we know it was you! And now his hands are cut off...that was a bit OTT. Good thing she has an umbrella to avoid the fountains of blood. Man with long black hair covering his face must be the bad guy. It's like a thing in Japan, like the Ring girl right? They would think I was evil if I ever went over mwahaha Yeah he's the baddie - told you! Another woman in a box - this time on a subway train. Surely they should have that on CCTV? Ruka (self harm girl from earlier) is stumbling about though, is this a dream or has she been drugged? She cut his face and he pulled the top half off - what the actual fuck man? Maybe he's trying to win the fight by drowning her in blood? Ahhh, shouldve realised that instead of dying he'd grow gun type poles straight out of his brain. Ok so a piece of his brain can create keyholes and unlock peoples skin to give them powers - why not? Given the half-a-face that he has left behind the police think they can easily identify the guy... I should hope so! .....They're searching the half-head against a database to see what shape it matches with. Can't you just arrest the guy who only has the top part of his skull missing? Remote control executions - a wii game for the family in the living room to kill prisoners. Am I laughing cause the idea is so far-fetched, or am I laughing because its actually probable Criminal tries to kill kids, police kill him with bullets, swords and another tub of fake blood - turns out its a recruitment ad for the Tokyo Police. This film is all sorts of fucked up. Ok I have an hour to go but I don't think it'll get wierder than the chair thing... And guy had his dick bit off... ok he was a bit creepy/pervy but no-one deserves that Ok so girl gets shot and her engineer mutation is that her legs are now a crocodiles mouth that can eat people...maybe on par with the chair thing. I would not like to know how she would've handled going to the toilet - that is if she had lived long enough! Oh shit pervy man was actually a policeman, that was not explained properly. Anyway pervy policeman now has a sword arm and his bitten off dick is now four foot long and shoots people. Yes, they went there The last name on Ruka's list has locks on both sides of the door and along the bottom - I think you've came to the right place... Pipe eye man just casually opens his door to her anyway. Don't mind me, I just have half a face and wondering who's at my door. How has this guy not caught a series infection or damaged himself with his whole brain so casually exposed like that? A lot of thought must have went into this monologue, Pipe eye man has carefully prepared and painted flashcards to explain his backstory. It was a deal with the devil and involved DNA from multiple serial killers apparently And his head is now in two - did he think she would spare him?? Cheery dispatcher is now being broadcast to TV screens on buildings - inform the public one oversweet overhappy message at a time! City is on lockdown-apparently this means the police can just randomly kill people without reason or offence. Why am I not surprised? I wonder if Ruka didn't have a newfound personal vendetta against the police captain - would she be joining in with the senseless mass murder? Creepy humanlike dog thing is back and is apparently the chiefs sex slave - why were people ok with this being at Ruka's birthday party earlier? Ruka heard and identified her friends screams from a mile away over the noise of the rest of the city and thats actually the most believable thing in this film Friend has been pulled into five different parts by police cars - Ruka is now most definitely not going to join in with the killings! Her arm is now a giant mouth that can eat peoples faces off - fair do's Ruka turning into an engineer and becoming the thing she hated has been a subplot that could've added more dept to the film in between all the blood Police mortician has a gun that shoots fists. I have learned it is best not to question anymore. Bullet fists that can strangle you once they get there... Rukas mouth arm shoots out its tongue and somehow the fist-bullets (which are giving the finger) catch on it and get fired back at the mortician... Sex-slave dog thing now has blades on its severed limbs... She's chopped its blades off and basically picked it up and threw it against a desk... Ruka chopped the chiefs legs off and now even she looks surprised at how long he's bleeding for Captain injected himself and is now literally flying around propelled by the blood from his severed limbs. Saves on fuel I suppose Doglike thing has guns for limbs now...seems like she's came back to Ruka's side now

#Tokyo Gore Police #film #review #liveblog #horror #thoughts #chainsaw man #blood #Ruka #more blood #Pipe Eye Man #even more blood #sex slave dog thing #did I mention the blood?

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jazzybot4 · 6 years

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Fun fact: one of the Florida survivors (Colton Haab) is pro gun and thinks if the coach had his gun, more lives would have been saved, but for some reason, the mass media largely ignores him. Almost like the media cares more about pushing an agenda and ratings then giving an unbiased view on the shooting. Link: twitter realsaavedra status 964966284822659072. Link: nbcsandiego news national-international Teacher-With-Gun-Could-Have-Stopped-Fla-Shooter-Student-474382133.

Okay, this is my first ask like this. Thank you for this information. I appreciate that you provided a news source instead of only a twitter account. I don’t agree with how you presented it. I don’t agree at ALL that you felt the need to come into my askbox on anon so that you could throw some passive aggressive pro-gun shit in my inbox. (Also check your grammar, it’s ‘than’ not ‘then’. If you’re going to anon and then drop this into my inbox, at least double check your cheap shots.)From what I’ve seen, this is the only person who is speaking out so far as pro-gun. I don’t watch Fox News, I don’t read Fox news, and I actually get a lot of my news from reddit. Because as far as unbiased reporting goes, it’s a shithole but it’s an equal opportunity shithole. I could go on to rant about why I *personally* disagree with this kid, but this isn’t the forum for that, and most of his arguments have been refuted by people more eloquent than I am already. There is no way at all that the media should be unbiased in this case. 17 people are dead, most of them children. CHILDREN ARE DEAD ANON. CHILDREN HAVE BEEN DYING. An unbiased media is reporting with no soul. I wouldn’t ask that these reporters report these stories without heart behind it. Facts are facts, irrefutably true. Facts can become the core of a news story. All good news stories are factual. But the person writing those facts out is not a machine, not free of bias, and in this case anon? Children are dead. In school. Where they should have been safe. Gun control laws have been PROVEN to halt mass shootings before they start. Restricting access to guns, like we restrict access to large vehicles, hazardous materials, and safe drinking water will actually drop the number of mass shootings in this country. Fact. Not fiction. I’m not sure what you were trying to prove here anon. I’m really not sure at all. I know there’s pro-gun people out there, some of them in Florida, some likely parents or students at Stoneman Douglas High. Telling me this ‘fun fact’ educated exactly nobody at all, was phrased passive agressively, and wasn’t really well stated. If you have a question, I’m happy to answer it. If you have a concern, I’m happy to address it. If you need advice, please come to me. I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to try. And a personal opinion: The only thing guns in teachers hands will do is paint more targets on childrens backs. Are you going to personally train and certify all these teachers in combat tactics? Police-style anti-shooter tactics? Are you going to give them kevlar vests to go with them? Are you going to give each child in our schools a bulletproof vest to wear at their desks? At their lockers? In gym class? In orchestra? On the sports fields? Are you condoning the idea that violence in our schools is inevitable, must be visited upon children who do not deserve it, and should die just so you can own a semi-automatic or automatic weapon? I’ll see you at the funerals you piece of shit. You’d better be prepared to bear pall for those innocent people, because if you condone and encourage more firearms in schools, you’re going to end up with more bodies.

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why-am-i-adulting-blog · 6 years

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Bullying and school shootings honestly do go hand in hand.

Hi. I was a potential school shooter. I had disgusting rumors spread about me, I got into constant fights, I had ONE real friend. Everyone else made me feel like I was a burden. I was blamed for stolen items in my circle of friends. They treated me like I was just a stand in, a thing to toy with. I was not important. I was not impressive. I was shrugged off. The day I was diagnosed with depression, I was called a liar. My dad beat the shit out of me one night and the next day at school, I didn’t want to be touched. One “friend” was going to take me to her house and have me cool down. Dad was waiting for me at her house. She called me a liar for meeting my dad once, for a few minutes. Saying he didn’t abuse me.

I was teased in the whole, “X has a crush on you” and my emotions were toyed with in ways the shouldn’t have been toyed with. I was dumped by my first boyfriend because I didn’t kiss him. I was hated by teachers for no real, valid or good reasons.

While my bullying wasn’t as bad as most kids get it, I had a toxic home life. I was dealing with finding the right medications for my mental illness. I was being diagnosed as one thing and then having it switched to another thing. I was a mess.

I admit, here and now, I would have murdered my fellow classmates. I would have gone to my school carrying as many arsenal weapons as I could carry. I would have killed anyone I could have.

I would have killed myself. It was a daily thought of who I wanted to kill. It was a daily thought of who I wanted to hurt and watch die a slow and painful death. And yes. I did have two people at the top of my list.

I had an idea of who I wanted dead, and if at all possible, I would have done it.

The whole needing stricter gun laws doesn’t necessarily mean we want to take away guns all together, but we want to try to make it harder for would-be school shooters (like me) to get their hands on those weapons. The children speaking out against gun violence aren’t trying to disrupt the NRA and their weird obsession with guns. They just want to stop being the victims of mass shootings.

But to all the youths who may see this, stop bullying each other. You are the issue, you are the reason an active shooter could be your class mate. The people who are troubled don’t need your fake pity or you to come up to them just because they’re “weird” or an “outcast”. You don’t even have to get to know them. But if you decide you’re going to talk to them, you better make damn sure you’re doing it with sincerity and not because you’re afraid they’ll come to your school next and kill you. False kindness is just as bad as bullying. It instills a false hope. It crushes a person much worse than any bullying could.

And if that person doesn’t come to school to kill you for being a shit human being, you’d be responsible for pushing them to the point of suicide. Where it’s too late to be a good person to them.

I dropped out my senior year of high school. My three options were as followed: find a way to get the weapons needed to kill as many as I could and myself, kill myself or drop out. I knew I was a ticking time bomb. However, because I was raised to be a compassionate person, regardless of the toxicity of my home life, I knew that whatever I chose.. there’d be consequences. Stain my name forever and be hated in not only life but in death too, leaving my family to be chastised for my sins. Leaving this earth of my own accord to have my family suffer an even worse fate than death because I couldn’t handle the pain of being around fake friends and peers who wanted nothing more than to see me drown, followed by them and their false remorse for my death. Or drop out and deal with whatever abuse I’d face at home.

My school was Redwood Valley middle/high school. In Redwood Falls, MN. The years I attended this school were 2007-2010. I should have graduated in 2011. This may or may not be a huge hint of who I am. But I don’t care. If anyone from that school who attended those years sees this. You were at risk. I would have killed you all because your small town mindset was more important than getting to know an outsider.

I am better now. I have a good life. I overcame my demons and left that town behind. I am happy (sort of, refer to parentheses at the end of this post). I am loved and I can say that things do get better. If you are suffering from bullying and a toxic life at home, all I can say is grit your teeth as best as you can. Seek professional help (they are, by law, sworn to keep your secrets unless you are telling them you’re a danger to yourself or others). Seek a new hobby. Find better friends, EVEN IF THEY’RE ONLINE. Your life is so important. You’re important. And as much as you hate those who are making your life hell right now, they’re important to other people. Don’t take their lives and don’t take yours. Seek help. Don’t confide in friends. Even your closest and most trusted friend cannot understand everything you go through and they are not a professional. Yes, you may risk a 72 hour hold, but those holds are there to help you. They fucking suck, but I can tell you now, they isolate you from the world for three days. Three days to clear your head. Three days to establish a relationship with a psychiatrist. Three days to get medications to help regulate any chemical imbalance. Three days to find out the name of that demon ligering over your shoulder.

Seek help before you hurt someone else or yourself.

To those who spread rumors, laugh at people behind their backs, talk about people behind their backs, backstab their friends, straight up bully or beat on others. I don’t know what is going on in your life. I don’t know what is going on in your head. But you need to choose what you say and what you do carefully. Bullying does not build character. It destroys people. And it pushes them to dark places that no one should go. Anyone. ANYONE. Can turn to suicide. ANYONE can easily take a life.

If you want to end this circle of violence, change who you are. Stand with those who are tired of being the punching bag. Defend people when you get the chance. Yes. You will lose friends. But you’ll also gain a friend who you never expected would be a good person in your life. Those weird kids, the outcasts, the anime freaks, the goths, skaters, Emos or theatre kids can easily be the best friend you cherish in the long run. A lot of them are loyal till the very end and are very trustworthy. But you won’t know that until you try to get to know them. This goes for the nerds and the geeks, the chess club kids, the band kids, etc. Give them a chance. Judge them based on who they really are, but don’t destroy them. Judge them on if you really want them in your life. Because they also will be judging you. And if you’re already a tormentor to them right now, you have a lot to redeem yourself for.

(My dad didn’t understand he was an abusive person, but I did make him realize years later and we made up. He wasn’t a bad person just because he did bad things. He was sorry and I know he loved me. I did deserve the beating in question as I made a stupid decision that would have killed me. I can understand why he reacted the way he did and the emotions he was feeling. Does that make it right? No. But I have forgiven him. And I’d appreciate it if nobody talks ill of him as he has just recently passed away. Thank you).

(Also, I know I rambled on in this post, but it still stands. We are the reason kids are dying. From adults to kids who go to school with these “at risk” students. It is your job to fix the wrongs done to these kids, and in the end, it is still up to them on if they let you into their life. Do not force it. But you can start by standing up to your friends and family when these kids come up in conversation. You have the power to change the outcome of stories you aren’t even aware you’re playing a part in. Fix your mistakes before it is too late).

I am not posting this for sympathy or pity. I am posting it in hopes you realize how easy it is for that train of thought to even begin. I wasn’t a good person for deciding to drop out. I wanted to hurt people because they hurt me. But I knew what I wanted and what I was thinking was dangerous and wrong. Not everyone will realize this. Not everyone will seek help. Not everyone will drop out to save your ass. Edit: (12/09/18) I’m not a bad person - I know this post will not be seen in any good way. This post was to prove that bullying is what can cause a person to want to end another person’s life. I sought help and am better, I do not think the way I did when I was fucking fifteen. Call me a bad person all you want, but I am not afraid to be honest about how I wanted to die and take others with me. If my story proves anything, it proves that I, unlike other school shooters, was able to see how WRONG my thoughts were. Invasive thoughts does not equate a bad person. It equates mental illness.

#School shooting #school shootings #RVHS #Class of 2011 #Redwood Falls #Minnesota #bullying #abuse #trauma #I could have killed you #bullying doesn't build character #bullying destroys people and releashes inner demons we didn't know we had #stop hurting each other

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atomicgarbage-blog · 6 years

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Pt 1/? Why is Generation Z so depressed: from a Gen Z kid

Ever since my oh so informative teacher has started talking about social issues in my own generation, I've been curious to what people say about us. So far, I've read that we are more driven than millennials, that we are much more likely to become successful than the previous generation, and that my generation is in the worst mental health crisis in decades. When I saw these, I thought: 'oh that's pretty interesting, let's go and learn more' especially with that last one. So I go and I read some more articles and you know what, some of them are good, but the rest are complete bullshit. Generation Z is depressed because of smartphones Is technology ruining a generation? This new generation are depressed and it's because of their phones All of this, every single one of these titles, they are not right. If you want to know why we're so depressed, well here it is. Why Generation Z is so depressed: From a Gen Z kid All I ever hear about from almost every article I come across is technology. That because of it, we are isolating ourselves and we are becoming more and more depressed. This isn't necessarily wrong, but it isn't the whole answer. Yes, from personal experience, I isolate myself sometimes because I'm on my phone, but no. That's not the full picture. The only reason o get depressed while using this smartphone I'm writing this thing on is when I see all these news reports and articles about terrorists and mass gun shootings and hate crimes happening all around the world. I don't think I could tell you how long it's been since I've had a day without seeing some article where a girl got raped and people are blaming her for something or seeing some article on a man who killed his entire family and is on the run. These things, if you want to blame them for giving us this mental illness, all those older people have to remember that they are the ones writing those articles and posting them online. They're the ones making them easy for us to access and they are the ones handing us these smartphones. They want to blame us for own our mental issues that they started in the first place by giving these things to us at a young age. Sometimes it's not the kids fault, believe it or not, it's the adults. Okay, so now that I got that out of my system, let me tell you the reasons why our generation is so depressed (for real), coming from experience. Right now, we are right in the middle of a maybe-war. You have to be living under a rock to not know how close we are to a nuclear war with North Korea and how close we are to war with literally any country. The US isn't doing to well keeping the peace and as a result, terrorist attacks have gone up tremendously. Just knowing how close we are to that, it's scares me. Just thinking about it, I remember that if/when it happens, I'm going to become one of the soldiers drafted off to war. My friends, my family, my little brother, all of us are going to be the generation that will fight for you if you screw things up. My friends talk about this on a weekly basis and it always makes us feel so sad knowing we'd be the ones fighting and dying. Another reason, school. School has definitely evolved since other generations have graduated. Classes are harder, teachers are meaner, and more is expected from us. I go to a preparatory school which makes it worse because we're supposed to be the 'spoiled rich geniuses' but to be honest, everyone is seconds away from suicide at my school. In one of my classes, we had to write a short story and develop a character based on themselves with a specific flaw the teacher came up with. One of them happened to be depression. Do you know how many people picked that flaw and how many made their character commit suicide? Out of my eight friends, two of them made their character kill themself. Two people made themself commit suicide in their short story. If that's not enough to convince you the major role school plays in mental health, well I got so much more to tell you. Sleep is a big factor in mental health, correct, and insomniacs are much less mentally stable than the average person. The sleep a teen should be getting at least is nine hours, anything less than seven means they are extremely sleep deprived. The last three weeks of school, on average I slept five hours a night mostly because of the amount of homework I had. Nights I had an essay due, I slept three hours, tops. Three of I passed out from exhaustion(which has happened before). I will continue writing this out with more info soon, but for now I have to go. I haven't been sleeping well at all, it's either like I said, homework or because I'm a unique little shit, I get freaking nightmares all the time now. I still gotta try and sleep because I have to be up early and it's already really late so uh this is pt 1/?

#Gen z #generation z #pushers #edgers #the homeland generation #technology #social issues #why is generation z so depressed #depression #mental health issues #mental health #teens #teenagers

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