#like being a good person is a continuous process of self improvement. you aren't just born a good person

[lord-squiggletits]

Y'know the thing about writing feral/unhinged versions of Orion/Optimus, is that you can't go too far into the feral/unhinged direction to a point where OP's core character traits are lost or become too diminished. After all, in a multiple-continuity franchise like TF, part of what makes the stories make sense is that even if details change (sometimes major details), the characters are still recognizably themselves to one degree or another. (Although this isn't always the case due to executive meddling or some characters being such blank slates from their initial G1 appearances that there's basically nothing to model them off of, but I digress.)

It's pretty much another reason why I love IDW1 Optimus, bc he literally is a canonical feral/unhinged Optimus who's unhinged as a direct consequence of who he is as a person and what he's been through. Like, he still has those fundamental character traits of trying his best to be moral and make good choices, trying to be a role model, etc, except after 4 million years of war and untreated depression he's basically holding onto his sense of self by his fingertips. So when he "goes feral" e.g. losing his temper and beating up/killing people or saying hurtful things, he's feral in a way that's directly tied to his normal personality and not just as a random quirk he has.

IDW OP's feral moments arise from the gaps between "Optimus' attempts to be who he thinks he needs to be" and "the reality of the world that he can't fix/seems to only make worse" that cause him to lose hope, or become cynical, or lose his temper. But in this case, the unhinged-ness makes perfect sense because it arises out of Optimus trying and failing to be the best person or to make the most morally good choices he's trying to make. Basically, the "feral/unhinged" label is just another way of me trying to say that he's not just unhinged because he's weird or because he's a bad person, but because it's an emotional reaction (more like an emotional explosion due to pent-up emotions) to the context he exists in.

I'd also say that IDW OP's personality being generally reserved/stoic and (trying to be) noble works in tandem with those moments he has of going feral because it makes him more realistic. His psyche is treated in a way where the writers are like, "Hey what if the pressure of having to be everyone's idol and be the best person in the galaxy at all times actually broke Optimus down mentally and emotionally?" It makes IDW OP far more relatable. Instead of naturally being a perfect Christ-like figure who never wavers in his morals or convictions and is just naturally a nice person who always has the wisest and best answer, being a good person is something that IDW OP has to consciously strive to be. Even when he feels like it's useless, or the cycle of violence will never stop, or any attempts he makes to help only ends up with things becoming worse.

And I feel like this does a service not only to IDW Optimus as a character, but also as a sort of moral/philosophical perspective for the reader to ponder upon? I feel like culture at large (or at least my experience of it) tends to believe that "goodness" in a person is simply an innate feature that people are born/not born with, and that being "good" means that you must be good at all times, both in your actions as well as the way you feel emotionally about yourself and the world. Like, there's a tendency for our vision of "a good person" to be good in every aspect at all times without having to try to be a good person. So I think IDW Optimus' character stands as a good example of how someone can be good at heart but still struggle to maintain those feelings of optimism and hope and justice. It's a good idea to have such a paragon of a character (in-universe and out-of-universe) be so conflicted and to even be mistaken, misguided, or make things worse because it shows that goodness is as much about "trying to behave/act in a way that is good" and not just "existing as an innately good person."

It's way more realistic for a person to want to be good, try to be good, and sometimes/often fail than it is for them to just be a good person. I enjoy the fact that IDW Optimus is both a good person at heart, but also has to strive to be a good person and live up to other people's expectations of what they see in him. I like how he wants to be a good person and change society for the better, but he also spends a good amount of time either feeling hopeless and alone or being angry at/detached from other people because of how frustrated they make him. He's realistically portrayed as someone who wants to be good and hopeful and change things for the better, but is also mentally and emotionally broken by that burden because of how impossible it is for him to Fix Everything and be the Perfect Prime/Leader/Autobot that people see him as. It's this fascinating mixture of "yes, this is who he is as a person" but also "there are things he desires to be that he could never possibly become or live up to."

This got really far off based from feral/unhinged Optimus sdklfjaslkdlfkas. The TLDR is that if people want unhinged OP, I feel like they should give IDW OP a chance because he IS unhinged but he's unhinged in a way that's a realistic/thematic representation of how being an Absolute Good is impossible. And how being a good person isn't just about Existing And You Are A Good Person, but rather goodness is a constant state of flux in which you adjust, you make mistakes, you lose your temper and feel hopeless, but then you pick yourself up and try again.

Also IDW OP really likes climbing in dangerous wilderness and jumping out of flying vehicles which I think is very feral and sexy of him to do.

#squiggposting #idw op love #idk if i adequately explained it in the body of the post. but i really do feel some kind of way about the idea of like #being a good person isn't about just being static. always being the same person. just naturally being good and nice all teh time #but rather being a good person will cause you to be CHALLENGED and being a good person calls you to ACT #and you WILL make mistakes. there's never a situation in which you're all wise and always have the right solution or are infinitely patient #but goodness is something you can CHOOSE something you can BECOME and you can still have negative emotions and CHOOSE to be good #like being a good person is a continuous process of self improvement. you aren't just born a good person #and i'm not trying to tear down the notion of 'goodness' or say it doesn't exist #rather i'm trying to say that it's far more comforting to hear that you don't have to be The Best Person at all times #it's comforting to know that good people aren't just Effortlessly Good because they were Just Born That Way Naturally #there certainly are some people like that but most of us aren't like that. and i just like idw op for that reason #he shows that like. you can be a fucked up mentally ill guy who despairs and loses his temper and is basically suicidal #but you also still genuinely try to be hopeful and try to help others. like you are good because you Try To Be Good #and you Try To Hold Onto Your Principles bc giving up or becoming evil isn't an option for you #but also trying to be A Good Person drives you fucking crazy bc we live in a universe where that perfect good simply isn't possible #so the result is an optimus who's at once Noble Paragon and Unhinged bc he's unhinged as a result of trying to be a paragon

[honeybeewhereartthee]

MDD MINI CORNER: DEAR SLEEPING BEAUTY

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There were times where he notice how odd you act. Through it's not a shock already since your a unique individual and his not judging you (maybe a bit but it's out of concern). you would always would ask him about the story "sleeping beauty" ever since the play. As if it's a new obsession of yours (added to your doll fantastic self) and about complicated stuff his young mind can't process well.

"Hey~ kana~ I finally found you ~ " you said as you come out of the corner and saw him hiding under the table. you and him were playing hide and seek.

You said that you and mayoi are the It. Through he still new to the fact you always treat your doll like a person, he won't tell you off since his your best friend and he accept even how crazy you are! Even if the world would say your mental, he will say your sane. :D.

"Aww, your so good playing hide and seek!" He pout as he come out from his hiding spot.

You chuckle as you reach to pat his head. "there, there. You'll able to hide longer next time."

"Nyooo swawp!" he grumble as you ruined his cool hair style that his mom made for him.

"Ahaha. Sorry." You apologize as you take out a comb to fix his hair to what it use to look like. "There. (Ùwú)/" you said as you look at your master piece.

"Anyway time to go home. Let me escort you home, little boy." You offer your hand to kana.

"MC! We're the same age! :V" he complained as he once again being treated as a kid, yet he accepted your hand.

"If you say so, sleeping beauty." You chuckle as you change your nickname for him. "It's either kaname or Kana, hmmp! =3=" he pout not liking either of the nickname.

You and him walk away from the classroom into the street. Holding hands as you escort him back home. He smiled happily as he hold your hands. Through he question why it felt odd how warm it is.

It never occur to him that he can felt warm in a dream...

What...

this is A dream...????

Why do I think so...?????

He froze on his step as his mind tried to calm his own thoughts.

"Kana???" You called him out of his internal crisis. Your smile and the beautiful sunset behind made his mind clear of the thought he once have as he is left dazzle feeling he felt in his chest.

"Hmm..." You hummed as you lean closer toward him, making him back away in unconscious response.

He suddenly felt embarrassed to look at you as he felt his cheeks warm up. You look behind you and saw the sunset.

"I heard about this before. Could it be you think I was pretty because of the sunset?" You jested with a teasing chuckle.

"...I--" he gulped suddenly his lost for words. It seems that you are able to read his mind! "MC! D-DONT tell your a mind reader now!" When he finally found his voice again, he voice out his new discovery.

"Of course not, sleeping beauty. I'm a [ time Traveller ] not a mind reader." Your response seems full of joke, so he take it as a joke. Seeing you laugh like it's one of your silly nonsense he never really take it at heart.

He only pout as you tease him more along the way. He look at the hand that still hold his, he smiled sheepishly since you still held his hand and won't let go till you both arrive at his house. "Ok, go inside now. Have a good night and sleep well. Remember to wake up tomorrow cause I'm waiting to spend more time with you." Letting go of his hand made him frown but seeing you smile as you watch him come inside his house made him forget what made him frown and happily nodded his head. "Okii! Good night to you too, MC!" Entering his house. He once again hear voices in his head.

"Is there any improvement (censored)?"

"...his finger move just a bit... (Censored) is it really safe for you to continue to do this?

"(Censored) is greatly worried. (Censored) don't think others would love to know what you do in your pass time since a month ago..."

"It be our dirty little secret, don't go telling others now or we aren't going to be able to wake the sleeping beauty."

"Sleeping beauty... Huh. (Censored) think if his beloved (censored) really a sleeping beauty. You could always kiss him awake."

"Sadly your basing that to the filtered fairy tale. The real story of grim have the sleeping beauty end up with her waking up on her own after hundred years of being asleep."

"...yet you still went for a far length to wake him up. Testing a theory without proof of succession. Failing will cause your dare ending..."

"Ok smartass. I dont fail ok. Now write the lottery number of this date."

"... Fine. (Censored) cannot believe you would use this theory to scam the system for money."

"WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE IM LIKE (CENSORED)? YOUR LUCKY YOU LOOK LIKE (CENSORED) AND A (CENSORED)."

"(Censored) is glad for that case then. Because (Censored) heard you knock (censored) because your called a glutton by him."

"...your words and face really do be different huh."

"... Let's go. It's late already."

Kaname look around confuse But he found no one. He did feel like chuckling about how silly the voices in his head is.

TAG LIST : @allimili @valeriele3

#ensemble stars x reader #ensemble stars #enstar x reader #enstar #my Darling Dolls AU #my Darling Doll AU #my Darling Dolls dear sleeping beauty #my Darling Dolls AU mini Corner Dear sleeping beauty #kaname Toujou #kaname Toujou x reader #kaname tojou #kaname tojou x reader #Rinne amagi #HiMERU x reader #HiMERU

[angelic-apple]

So you lived online for nearly a decade getting radicalized by a hate group that colonized radfem. You get that all women forward gains by radfem were in the trans inclusive era right? And nothing but wasting time/money/resources has come out of terf radfem since? Well aside from an ever growing right political lean and alliances. I mean 7 years you can't have been in the terf bubble the whole time.

This is a long one so TL;DR at the end!

TW; self harm & suicide mentions

1) I've always been in hyper-progressive leftist spaces until less than 6 months ago and spent my entire isolation thinking I was trans. I wore a binder so much I now have rib and back pains regularly and my boobs sag. I presented myself as a man fully, and it made me so depressed I relapsed back to selfharm, something I had managed to keep at bay for almost two years and was very proud of because it was Hard. The more masc I presented the worse it got, because I looked more and more like a stranger to myself and I mistook that as dysphoria and spiraled even more. I can't wear comfortable t-shirts outside anymore in the heat because people will see my scars which is triggering to me. My self harm destroyed family relationships permanently. I cried a lot and was so miserable I had set plans to kill myself with booze and meds. If my country didn't have such strick firearm laws I would've just gotten a gun though.

I thought I was trans because I was a semi gnc woman with severe body dysmorphia who felt like a person rather than a stereotypical woman, and being a woman was meant to be a specific feeling I did not have. And every time I questioned myself and if transness was right for me I got bombed with affirmations that "being unsure is normal, you don't need xyz to be trans anyway, if you question your gender at all it probably means you aren't cis!" etc.

After I entered recovery and began to be around normal people in real life I quickly realized I was not a man and dropped the label quickly. I felt better as a result and I've been clean off self harm for over two years now. I love myself and my anatomy, something I wanted to cut off from myself so bad I wanted to die.

But when I finally stopped and told my friends I was wrong and that I'm a woman after all, I only had one friend who said "Okay!". The rest avoided it and continued to use he/they pronouns for me and refused to use my birthname instead of my trans name until recently. I felt rejected by people who had been my lifeline for years and like I had betrayed my peers.

Despite this I think being trans is a real thing. Some people do need to transition. I know many and they have done so and I am happy for them. I do not want transitioning to be inaccessible or eradicated.

I think trans healthcare should be improved actually. It needs to be able to handle more patients than it does now. It's cruel to make people wait for years for healthcare and then not be offered proper help but to be processed in and out in as few sessions as possible that are also months apart. Trans treatment should include long-term therapy, multiple appointments, screenings and regular check-ins during transition. This is not gatekeeping btw. I am unable to gatekeep anyone because I am not a doctor. Plus Idk why it's such a sin to wish proper healthcare for a group of people. Hormones are not a magical medicine and transitioning will not fix the other mental health issues you may have, only ease the load of constant stress coming in and that's only if transitioning is actually right for you. Taking someone's claims of their mental health at face value is not always helpful nor good for them. I've been at both ends, so i know it's a hard pill to swallow though.

2) I don't understand your need to mush feminism, lgb- and trans activism together into a single group. Women, ssa and trans folk all have very specific needs that do not intertwine a lot of the times. It's not exclusionary to want to keep the movements separate so each one can focus on what they need instead of pushing everyone together causing constant infighting about what goals to pursue. Nothing will change without active, large scale group efforts and any attempt for anyone to organise right now gets torn apart from the inside because of topic-unrelated disagreements. Which then again makes it easier for right leaning people to organise without a lash back and push discriminatory legislations forward while we're too busy arguing amongst ourselves. It also creates an unwelcoming environment for those who might want to join our movements, which kind of pales in the comparison to political groups on the right who often lovebomb you and seem overly welcoming so it's easier for them to gain more members.

You can be gay, a feminist and trans, still belong in all three groups and practice activism to better the lives of all these minorities separately.

That being said collaborative efforts should be made to improve the quality of life for all, but primary focus of each activist group should still remain issues affecting the specific minority the group is made for. I say this because in the current climate trans rights activism expects unconditional support from every other minority group with little to no help in return from what I've seen, but instead constantly inserting themselves in discussions for other minority rights conversations as well and expect to be patted on the back for it :/

3) I'm not trans exclusionary. I just believe in radical feminism ideologies and think bio sex is real and that I am oppressed for it. The current gender narrative has personally hurt me and due to radblr I was able to meet many other women who experienced the same thing and I feel refreshed because I can actually be myself here and say what I think.

A group of women disagreeing with you online =/= hateful systematic oppression. Blame the rich old white men running the world for that one like the rest of us.

TL;DR - I thought I was trans for a long time, I am a radfem because the current gender ideology hurt me personally. I still think being trans is real and think trans healthcare should be improved. I don't think wanting to keep specific political movements for specific minorities is exclusionary, it's keeping goals clear and making it easier to organise instead of constant infighting, which makes it easier for right wingers to organise and recruit more members im return. You can belong in multiple minorities and activist groups without having to join them all together.

#sorry this is long and my brain feels suoer fuzzy rn #I forgot to take my meds today :// #radfem #radical feminism #gender critical #anon #ask #long post #rambling apple #pls send me your opinions this if you think I'm being stupid I'm always open for feedback! #suicide mention #tw self harm

[honeymilkk00]

Haikyuu Boys: You Flinch

Pt 2

@silver-argent​ :  Hii! I super looooove the way you wrote Haikyuu Boys: You flinch, perfect amount of angst to fluff! Are you taking requests? If you are, will you please do a Sakusa and Kenma? the you flinch. It's okay if you don't tho! I'll still look forward to your works!❤❤

tysm for the encouraging words!! my requests are open and im more than happy to do Sakusa and Kenma jewbjkew. i hope you enjoy. i'm literally so tired and just wanted to finally get this out <3

characters:

-sakusa

-kenma

___________________________

Sakusa

Dating Sakusa was the last thing you ever thought would happen to you. He filled your days and nights with such love and passion. You had broken through his stoic and cold shell and had seen him for who he truly was deep inside- a loving partner through and through.

Of course, old habits die hard. Since he had spent years of his life being a reserved person, only putting up with his family and teammates, he still was very hesitant when it came to affection. Sometimes all he wanted to do was to be alone with his thoughts and nothing else. It hurt to see him like that, knowing that no matter what, you couldn’t help him, but you understood and gave him the time he needed.

Five months into yours and his relationship had lead to a few disputes, but nothing too serious. He was a prideful, headstrong man which lead to you having to bite your tongue during arguments and keep your snarky words to yourself, refusing to let them slip off the tip of your tongue. If they did, the argument would escalate. 

You loved Sakusa for everything he was, bad parts and good, but sometimes he was too much. 

And, that’s how you were here, biting your lip harshly as you stare at him, refusing to let your anger get the best of you. 

Sakusa had been coming home quite late due to volleyball practise, but it got to the stage where you were scared that he was doing to overwork himself and injure himself. Instead of letting it slide, you confronted him about it and suggested that he should take some time to let his body heal from the strenuous training regimen that he was doing. It seemed that Sakusa wasn’t in the best of moods and had snapped at you, shooting abhorrent words towards you as if you were nothing but a pile of shit, accusing you of restricting him from reaching his full potential and trying to turn him away from volleyball because you were too clingy for his liking. 

“Fucking hell (Y/N), you’re so fucking clingy! Just because you’re an attention whore and want me to worship you doesn’t mean you can try and take me away from what I love doing. You’re so fucking obsessive it’s driving me crazy!” Sakusa bellowed and clenched his hands together, his nails digging into his hands. 

Taking a deep breath to keep yourself as calm as possible, you spoke in a soft tone, “Omi, I’m not trying to keep you from anything. I just think you should rest your body before you overwork yourself and become ill or injure yourself. I know you want to improve but that can happen gradually over time. I doesn’t need to happen all at once.” You murmured and gently placed a hand on his, trying to reassure him.

Letting out a deep, angered growl, Sakusa pulled away from your grip harshly and pushed your hand away, “don’t fucking touch me! You’re fucking disgusting! All you do is hold me down and try and control my life, you obsessive pest!” He hollered out.

His words ripped open your chest and stabbed you in the heart repeatedly. You felt like you were choking on your own heartbeat. It hurt knowing that your lover found you disgusting. A strong feeling of rage surged through your veins. “How fucking dare you, Sakusa! I’ve done nothing but tried to help you and all you do is treat me like shit. Every time we argue I have to bite my tongue because I know that if I retaliate, you’ll just get even more angry. I can’t express how I feel to you anymore and I feel as if I don’t matter in this relationship. If you want to overwork yourself and injure yourself then fine, go ahead, but don’t blame me for saying I told you so after it’s happened!”

His eyes narrowing at your words, Sakusa swiftly turned to glare at you and raised his fist, poking your chest aggressively, “Fine, I will then because I’m not letting you control me anym-” He paused mid sentence, his eyes widening when he noticed you flinching when he raised his hand. Slowly, he lowered his hand and dropped them at his sides. Your shaking figure made his heart clench painfully tight. “(Y/N) I-”

“I can’t do this anymore, Sakusa.” You voice whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled quietly. “I can’t handle this pain anymore. I can’t handle feeling like I’m walking on egg shells with you. I can’t handle being afraid of how you’ll react when I speak about how I feel. I just can’t do this anymore.” You voice got quieter and quieter the more you spoke. Looking up at Sakusa, you swallowed thickly. “I can’t do us anymore.” 

Sakusa was frozen, watching you carefully. It was deathly silent. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his heartbeat beating rapidly. 

“I’ll pick up my things tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Atsumu’s for the night.” You whispered and turned away, heading towards the front door. 

A small, almost whine-like noise left Kiyoomi’s mouth. He reached out and clasped your hand gently, tears forming in the corner’s of his eyes. “Please.” He begged quietly.

Looking back at the man you loved, your heart shattered into small pieces when you noticed his dampened eyes. Never had you seen him cry before. “What is it?” You asked quietly, biting the inside of your cheek.

Sakusa pulled you in tightly for a hug and pressed his lips against your cheek gently. “Please don’t leave. Please please please… I’m so so sorry (Y/N).. I didn’t mean anything I said. I love you and I’m grateful for everything you do for me. I’ve just had a really bad day. Please I love you. Please don’t leave. You’re my baby... “ He pleaded softly and held you tightly, as if afraid that you’d disappear if he let go. 

Letting out a sigh, you caved in. You were still mad at him but at the end of the day, you loved Kiyoomi more than anything else. You would give up everything for his happiness. “Kiyoomi...” You whispered softly and then turned around so you were face to face with him. Gently cupping his cheeks, you sighed, “I love you so so much Kiyoomi... But you can’t say stuff like that to me even if you’ve had a bad day. You really really hurt me even though I was just trying to look out for you.” You explained and frowned softly, kissing his tears that resided in the corner of his eyes. 

Pressing his lips softly against your hands that rested on his face, he let out a shaky breath that he didn’t realise he was holding, “I know... I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I promise I’ll do better..” He whispered gently and pressed his nose into your hair lovingly. “I love you so much...”

Leaning in closer to Sakusa, you inhaled his scent, “I love you too, Omi..”

He never wanted to see you flinch like that again.

________________________

Kenma

Kenma was an erudite genius when it came to the art of strategy. His deep understanding of the game and the unspoken pledge to win is what drove him forward and kept him reaching, grasping, clutching for new strategic idea that would leave his opponents breathless.

For days, maybe even weeks, on end, Kenma would be researching, training, and repeating the process until he felt confident in his methodology that would be used in a game. Thus, led to a breakdown. After weeks of undereating, lack of sleep, training beyond his physical capabilities, and his mental strain thinking of ways to defeat the opposing team, Kenma was at his wits’ end. 

As his partner, you immediately noticed the changes in his personality. Of course, concern was your initial reaction and you were somewhat frightened of irritating him more, but you knew you had to confront him about his lack of self care. Seeing him train during lunch and falling asleep in lessons led you to realise how hard he was working himself. 

So, after school you managed to pull him to one side before he proceeded to train at the club. A frown was present on your lips and you took a deep breath. Looking at him now hurt a lot: his eyebags had considerably increased since the last time you saw him; you could now see physically where he had lost weight from undereating for weeks; his eyes seemed a lot duller; his body slouched over slightly, as if it was begging for a break. It was agony to see your partner slowly harm his body and mind like this.

"Kenma, just know I love you so much and I understand that volleyball means a lot to you right now since it's your final year with your team as you know it with Kuroo as captain, but look at yourself. You're not taking care of yourself at all. You aren't helping you or your teammates by undereating and not sleeeping." You murmured gently, taking Kenma's hands in your own. You knew that you had to be careful and not push your boyfriend, but you couldn't let it continue.

Kenma simply frowned at your words and pulled his hand away from yours, "(Y/N), I don't need your lecturing. I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself. I don't need you." He hissed out and turned his back on you, proceeding to head to practise. He had no time to waste on pointless conversations.

(Y/N) grinded their teeth together, their heart aching slightly at the harsh words, "I'm not lecturing you, Kenma! I'm doing what a s/o should do and I'm looking out for you! Please just take a small break before you overdo it!" You hallooed, as if that would make the words sink in.

Vexed, Kenma turned around with a deep scowl on his face, "Why don't you just back off, (Y/N)!? I don't care about you right now, all I care about is me and my teammates winning this game!" He shrieked, which caused you to trip back and swallow thickly.

A small whimper escape your lips and tears formed in the corners of your eyes as you flinched. You were normally fine with Kenma's salty attitude, but he never usually shouted at you. Taking a shaky breath, you looked at your boyfriend dead in the eyes, "fine! Do what you want to do! Since you don't care about me I won't bother anymore! Don't you fucking dare come running to me when you overwork yourself and can't handle it anymore!" You retorted and turned away.

Kenma's eyes widened slightly at your words as he watched you turn away. "Wait...." He whispered out, his hand reaching towards yours. Lightly, he grasped your wrist and sighed, pulling you close and burying his head in your shoulder. "'M sorry... I'm just so stressed..." Tears brimmed his eyes and he sniffled softly. "I didn't mean it..."

Letting out a soft sigh, your shoulders relaxed and you pulled your lover in for a cuddle. "I know you didn't mean it baby... But remember your health comes first, volleyball after." You whispered and gently stroked his hair. He simply nodded in response and hugged you tighter.

Maybe you both could work things out. You just need to learn to communicate more.

#haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu angst #haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader #angst #sakusa angst #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa x you #kenma #kenma angst #haikyuu kenma #kenma kozume #angst to fluff #haikyuu comfort #requestsopen

[definegodliness]

What do you do when you are feeling insecure of your writings. When you feel like you are not good or perfect enough, and when you feel scared to be judged by people?

Writing poetry is the one craft in life I unconditionally love. It gives me a creative outlet, a challenge to continuously hone my skills, catharsis, brain training, a source of escapism; it nurtures me intellectually as well as emotionally; it has brought me in contact with lots of great people, got me some friends, and even the odd love.

It gives me a sense of accomplishment in productivity, but it also brings a sense of accomplishment thanks to the fact that writing, like any art form, is a craft you gradually improve by practice. To me it is very satisfying to look at older work and think 'shit', because it reminds me where I came from and of all the skills I picked up along the way.

I'm not gonna let anyone take all that away from me, especially not my own insecurities. I still have them when it comes to my own writing, but I do not let them cripple me anymore. When I take a step back, and a deep breath, I see the pros of my writing life immensely outweigh the cons.

It wasn't always so. If you had asked me your initial question in my starting years the honest answer would be: "Hide, not write, and simmer in self-loathing for a while", but during those periods of soulless inactivity I learned to deeply appreciate all I just mentioned above. When I get caught by such feelings as of now, I keep writing. And as such write through it.

In the end, it is simply a great joy to inspire, as well as it is a great joy to be inspired. But you have to actively partake in the art to achieve both, so you have to put yourself out there. Confidently, or not.

Just keep going.

Considering being judged by other people, I honestly never have let that in any way stop me. I think judgmentalism is one of the most unlikable character traits in people. If not the most. If you can't manage a simple 'live and let live', when people aren't harming anyone and are simply doing stuff they enjoy, then, in my eyes, you are the least interesting type of person. You might as well not exist to me.

I believe people who give unsolicited destructive 'criticism' are enemies to creativity and productivity, and as such enemies to art. Those who would trample others to feel taller, are verily the smallest and pettiest. Those who support and lend you their shoulders to stand on, are verily mountainous.

It is not without reason the high horse crowd often targets young writers, as they are still vulnerable; still in the process of shaping their own styles and gaining confidence therein, and green enough to take what is nothing less than blatant toxicity seriously. It greatly angers me. How many wonderful poets have we lost this way? I do believe as much as we have gained by the virtue of supportive people. Which is way too much.

But I digress. I still wanted to differentiate between 'judgmental people' and passively 'judging'. I mean, we all judge. I have preferences, pet peeves; a personal taste, and not everyone's work fits that. I know damn well I am not everyone's taste, but I am not trying to adhere to anyone's taste either. As long as you stay true to yourself you are immune to others judging you, for the simple reason that you are showing the purest version of you. If people don't like you then, they're simple not wired to do so. Trying to get them to would be chasing windmills.

In other words: keep doing the things you love for you, and you will learn to love yourself for doing the things you love; love the people who love you doing the things you love...

And the rest doesn't matter.

[aphrostarot]

Self-Love Pick a Pile

How can you be more loving towards yourself?

Please remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Don't force it to fit. I offer paid readings on my page if you would like a personal reading. Prices are listed there. Please message me if you are interested!

Pile One (Amethyst):

How do you see yourself?

Five of Cups:

In your eyes, you are very hard to please since you are very fixated on the past. You can never forgive someone who wrongs you. Since you have been burned in the past, you tend to focus on the negative and be pessimistic rather than getting your hopes up. It is difficult for you to love yourself, which leads to a great deal of neglect of yourself. However, you see yourself as a very empathic friend, someone who will always be there for you when you are in need.

The Mastermind:

A Mastermind is never left holding the bag. She conceives the grand plan and then flees the law, living in hiding. To keep someone in her life, she needs a great deal of trust. You see yourself this way. As extremely intelligent and powerful.

How do you speak to yourself?

The Emperor:

Emperors are very powerful leaders who rule with an iron fist. You talk to yourself in a very bossy and powerful manner. Your attitude towards yourself feels very harsh to me. The demands you place on yourself are extremely high, and you are ruthless when it comes to your own success. Your own worst enemy is you.

How can you remind yourself you are worthy?

The Empress:

A future filled with abundance is signaled by the Empress. It is telling you that things are going to improve for you soon. By remembering how far you have come and how far you have yet to go, your guides are telling you to remind yourself of your worth. Keep in mind that it will come no matter what. Believe in yourself and your guides, because they do not lie to you. Don't doubt your worth, you're a fighter and are more than worthy of obtaining abundance.

Grey:

This card reminds you that endings are inevitable and to let go of the past. Your past experiences have caused you to hang on to things from the past and can cause you to not easily let go. Your guides are telling you with this card that you can remind yourself of your worth by letting go of the past and moving on to the next phase of your life. Things can go wrong sometimes, but that doesn't mean they always will. Let go of the idea that bad things are destined for you.

How can you love yourself more?

Five of Swords:

Because you believe everything that has happened to you has happened because of your own faults, this card makes sense for you. A feeling of defeat that arises because of one's own faults is portrayed on this card. It is hard for you to let go of the past and move on. Your guides are telling you that yes, bad things happen, but you aren't always at fault. It is possible to overcome the mistakes you have made in the past. To begin that process, you need to love yourself for who you are, which includes your past mistakes.

Storm:

Recently, you have suffered so much hurt and this has affected your ability to take care of yourself. Your guides are saying that that hurt is about to end. You can begin to love yourself by believing that good things will happen to you. Believing that your guides will lead you in the right direction.

How can you see your beauty?

Two of Wands:

This is the card of partnership, and having it come up here shows me that the way to start recognizing your beauty is by welcoming someone into your life who can help guide you. You've been unable to recognize your own beauty for a long time now, and your guides say that the only way to do this is by inviting more people into your life rather than rejecting everyone because of bad experiences in the past.

Sun:

The Sun is all about bringing happiness back into your life. You have been struggling for so long and you have lost your happiness as a result. You can recognize your beauty by finding happiness in your life again, according to your guides. This can be accomplished by trusting others and letting them in.

Pile Two (Sodalite):

How do you see yourself?

The Magician and Ace of Wands:

With both of these cards, you see yourself as being very creative and skilled. As a successful and driven individual, you've accomplished a lot in your life, and you're celebrating it. In the picture of the spread, these two cards depict someone holding a wand in the air. Having worked extremely hard to get where you are and having been successful at it, now you can raise your trophy (the wand) in the air with great pride and happiness.

The Earth Mother:

I get strong Green Witch energy here. You are very connected to the earth and draw on it to succeed. You are a very feminine person regardless of how you identify because remember, every single human being has both masculine and feminine energy within them. You, however, channel your femininity much more than your masculinity.

How do you speak to yourself?

Page of Pentacles:

You listen to your body well and make sure you are taking care of its needs. You constantly are trying to learn more about yourself, making sure you are asking yourself questions and listening to your aches and pains as signals of when to take a break. You speak to yourself very kindly and try very hard to take care of your body because you believe that your body is your vessel in each lifetime so, you want to take good care of it, and a part of that is speaking kindly to it.

How can you remind yourself you are worthy?

The Emperor:

You are very good at listening to your body and recognizing when to take breaks, as we have established. You take excellent care of yourself, but only your physical self, not your mental self. As your guides suggest, you can remind yourself of your worth by taking control and being in charge of your thinking. Yes, you are kind to yourself, but you are also very lenient when it comes to your mental health. It's time to be bossier towards yourself and to ingrain in your brain that you are worthy.

Potion:

This card reminds you that self-love is needed here. While you have mastered self-care, you've been lacking in self-love. Make sure you take care of yourself, do something that makes you feel beautiful, reminds you that you are worthy.

How can you love yourself more?

The Hierophant:

In your self-love journey, the Hierophant encourages you to seek out community. You need to go back to your tried and true, if you're a part of a religious group or organization of sorts, now is the time to seek peace within them. If not, find peace in your friendships. The guides want you to find structure in your life through a community, and by doing so, you will be one step closer to loving yourself.

Shark:

You are reminded to swim away from your current situation with this card. In your life, by someone you know, and even by yourself, you are not being treated right. The first step to loving yourself more is to surround yourself with people who love and support you.

How can you see your beauty?

The Star:

You've recently lost hope in your self-love journey, and having this card come up is a sign to hold on to your comforts, and to remain hopeful because positivity is on its way.

The Empress:

Do something luxurious, treat yourself. Feel beautiful inside and out. This is how you can start feeling beautiful. With this card coming out, you are a goddess, and you need to remember this, celebrate your accomplishments. You have grown so much in your life and you need to acknowledge that.

Spaceship:

You have been made to believe that you are not beautiful and now you hide. This is not the way to live, and this card encourages you to embrace your beauty and be confident. You do not need to continue hiding behind your conditioned fear. You should be proud of who you are and how you look.

Pile Three (Rose Quartz):

How do you see yourself?

Three of Wands:

You consider yourself to be extremely optimistic and a dreamer. With great tenacity and drive, you have achieved a lot. You consider yourself very competitive, going after what it is you want with a very cutthroat approach. You believe that you are better than others because of your drive, which usually gets you what you want from life.

The Spinster:

The Spinster is not bothered by the hustle and bustle of society. They rebel against everything society expects of them. Most of the time they are alone, and they prefer it that way, keeping to themselves, and most people view them as something they should not strive to achieve. The reason for this is that they do not get married and keep to themselves. You consider yourself to be an outlaw.

How do you speak to yourself?

Two of Swords:

There is something about you that I feel is so stubborn that you won't accept that you need to improve in terms of self-care and self-love. You are perfectly fine in your eyes, and nothing needs to be changed. You talk to yourself in an extremely negative tone, pushing your feelings aside and sticking to the facts, which are that you do not need to change anything, regardless of whether that is true or not. It feels to me that even when you feel like you should change you do not because you fear it which results in negative self-talk.

How can you remind yourself you are worthy?

The Star:

As the card of hope, having it appear here means that yes, you know you will be rewarded for your hard work but not because you hoped for it, only because you worked for it. As a result, you don't rely on hope in your life to understand your worth, just your hard work. Your guides want you to let go of that all-facts mindset and to let yourself dream and hope for things. Take care of yourself during this time. You view yourself as being very optimistic but your guides are telling me that you really are not as optimistic as you think you are because you are lacking hope in your self-worth.

Flower:

This card tells you, to be honest with yourself, you have been lying to yourself for some time now. Trying to convince yourself that you are better off than you really are. It is important for you to take care of yourself here, stop pretending you are better than you are.

How can you love yourself more?

The Hierophant:

In your self-love journey, the Hierophant encourages you to seek out community. You need to go back to your tried and true, if you're a part of a religious group or organization of sorts, now is the time to seek peace within them. If not, find peace in your friendships. Now is not the time to be alone. You need to seek out the support of others. Your guides want you to find structure in your life through a community, and by doing so, you will be one step closer to loving yourself.

Sword:

There has been a change brewing in your life for some time now. This card encourages you to make a change, whether it is cutting your hair, making new friends, finding a new job, etc. To love yourself more, you need to make a change.

How can you see your beauty?

Ace of Cups:

The Ace of Cups is a reminder to embrace all of your emotions. You have run from your emotions for so long that now is the time to embrace them. You will be able to recognize your own beauty more easily if you do this.

Lioness:

As a result of growing so much, you have accumulated some scars along the way. Your guides are telling you to embrace every scar you have whether physical or mental because they are a symbol of your strength. Now is the time for you to recognize that you are incredibly beautiful and strong.

Pile Four (Amazonite):

How do you see yourself?

Knight of Wands:

In your eyes, you are very confident and will never back down from competition. Because you believe in yourself so much, you are not afraid to take action. You are confident that you can achieve everything you set out to do since your qualifications are impeccable. Passion and rebelliousness are two things that you think make you irresistible.

The Delinquent:

Delinquents are symbols of youthful rebellion. This is who you are in your eyes. Rather than doing what everyone wants from you, you would much rather break the rules. You are the definition of an angsty teen in your eyes.

How do you speak to yourself?

Five of Pentacles:

It seems like you are very hard on yourself. You have experienced many losses in your life and because of this, part of you feels to blame. You are very difficult on yourself as a result. Your guides are sick of you blaming yourself for mistakes.

How can you remind yourself you are worthy?

Page of Swords:

Your intelligence and quick thinking make you an exceptional individual. As a result, you are very aware of everything happening around you. Your guides tell you that by recognizing these things about yourself, you will be one step closer to understanding what you are capable of and accepting your worth.

Nostalgia:

You have been too focused on the past and what could have been. Rather than focusing on your imaginary life, your guides say you should improve your present life. You cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can change your present by reminding yourself of your worth.

How can you love yourself more?

The Heirophant:

In your self-love journey, the Hierophant encourages you to seek out community. You need to go back to your tried and true, if you're a part of a religious group or organization of sorts, now is the time to seek peace within them. If not, find peace in your friendships. Now is not the time to be alone. You need to seek out the support of others. Your guides want you to find structure in your life through a community, and by doing so, you will be one step closer to loving yourself.

Homeward:

You are encouraged to take yourself out on a date with this card. Give yourself a night in or a night out that allows you to slow down and pay attention to yourself since you have been ignoring this for some time. It's time to learn more about yourself. You need to fall in love with yourself again.

How can you see your beauty?

Five of Cups:

For some time now, you have been very self-conscious and insecure about your beauty. Every day when you look in the mirror, you feel as though you lack everything society deems beautiful.

Death:

It is through losing this mindset that you will be able to recognize how beautiful you are. It's time to let go of the way you think of yourself and embrace how beautiful you are. You don't need to think of beauty in terms of what society says, as that is incorrect. Everything and everyone is beautiful, you just have to change the way you see things.

Potion:

This is the card that tells you to love yourself. You are being encouraged to do things that make you feel beautiful by your guides. Take a luxurious bath, use a rosewater face mask, journal, etc. Making yourself feel loved is the key to recognizing your beauty.

Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you!

Venmo: @ aphrostarot Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot

#pick a pile #pick a card #tarot messages #oracle readings #spirituality #self care #self love #astrology #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

[free--therapy]

Taking the Steps to Forgive Yourself

By Kendra Cherry

Forgiveness is often defined as a deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution toward someone who you believe has wronged you. However, while you may be quite generous in your ability to forgive others, you may be much harder on yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes, but learning how to learn from these errors, let go, move on, and forgive yourself is important for mental health and well-being. Learn more about why self-forgiveness can be beneficial and explore some steps that may help you become better at forgiving your own mistakes.

How to Forgive Yourself

Self-forgiveness is not about letting yourself off the hook nor is it a sign of weakness. The act of forgiveness, whether you are forgiving yourself or someone who has wronged you, does not suggest that you are condoning the behavior.

Forgiveness means that you accept the behavior, you accept what has happened, and you are willing to move past it and move on with your life without ruminating over past events that cannot be changed. One therapeutic approach to self-forgiveness suggests that four key actions can be helpful.

The 4 R's of Self-Forgiveness Responsibility Remorse Restoration Renewal

Accept Responsibility

Forgiving yourself is about more than just putting the past behind you and moving on. It is about accepting what has happened and showing compassion to yourself.

Facing what you have done or what has happened is the first step toward self-forgiveness. It's also the hardest step. If you have been making excuses, rationalizing, or justifying your actions in order to make them seem acceptable, it is time to face up and accept what you have done.

By taking responsibility and accepting that you have engaged in actions that have hurt others, you can avoid negative emotions, such as excessive regret and guilt.

Express Remorse

As a result of taking responsibility, you may experience a range of negative feelings, including guilt and shame. When you've done something wrong, it's completely normal, even healthy, to feel guilty about it. These feelings of guilt and remorse can serve as a springboard to positive behavior change.

While guilt implies that you're a good person who did something bad, shame makes you see yourself as a bad person. This can bring up feelings of worthlessness which, left unresolved, can lead to addiction, depression, and aggression. Understand that making mistakes that you feel guilty about does not make you a bad person or undermine your intrinsic value.

Repair the Damage and Restore Trust

Making amends is an important part of forgiveness, even when the person you are forgiving is yourself. Just as you might not forgive someone else until they've made it up to you in some way, forgiving yourself is more likely to stick when you feel like you've earned it.

One way to move past your guilt is to take action to rectify your mistakes. Apologize if it is called for and look for ways that you can make it up to whomever you have hurt.

It may seem as if this portion of the process benefits only the person you've harmed, but there's something in it for you as well. Fixing your mistake means you'll never have to wonder if you could have done more.

Focus on Renewal

Everyone makes mistakes and has things for which they feel sorry or regretful. Falling into the trap of rumination, self-hatred, or even pity can be damaging and make it difficult to maintain your self-esteem and motivation.

Forgiving yourself often requires finding a way to learn from the experience and grow as a person. To do this, you need to understand why you behaved the way you did and why you feel guilty. What steps can you take to prevent the same behaviors again in the future? Yes, you might have messed up, but it was a learning experience that can help you make better choices in the future.

Limitations

While self-forgiveness is a powerful practice, it's important to recognize that this model is not intended for people who unfairly blame themselves for something they aren't responsible for.

People who have suffered abuse, trauma, or loss, for example, may feel shame and guilt even though they had no control. This can be particularly true when people feel they should have been able to predict, and therefore avoid, a negative outcome (an example of what is known as the hindsight bias).

Benefits

The standard axiom within psychology has been that forgiveness is a good thing and that it conveys a number of benefits, whether you have experienced a minor slight or have suffered a much more serious grievance. This includes both forgiving others as well as yourself.

Mental Health

Letting go and offering yourself forgiveness can help boost your feelings of wellness and improve your image of yourself. Numerous studies have demonstrated that when people practice self-forgiveness, they experience lower levels of depression and anxiety.1 Similarly, self-compassion is associated with higher levels of success, productivity, focus, and concentration.

Physical Health

The act of forgiveness can also positively impact your physical health. Research shows that forgiveness can improve cholesterol levels, reduce bodily pain, and blood pressure, and lower your risk of a heart attack.

Relationships

Having a compassionate and forgiving attitude toward yourself is also a critical component of successful relationships. Being able to forge close emotional bonds with other people is important, but so is the ability to repair those bonds when they become fraught or damaged.

One study found that both parties benefit from the "offending partner" showing self-forgiveness. Specifically, both partners tended to feel more relationship satisfaction and have fewer negative thoughts about each other as a result of genuine self-forgiveness.

Challenges

So what is it that makes self-forgiveness so difficult at times? Why do people often continue to punish and berate themselves over relatively minor mistakes? Engaging in actions that are not in line with our own values or self-beliefs can lead to feelings of guilt and regret—or worse, self-loathing.

Some people are just naturally more prone to rumination, which can make it easier to dwell on negative feelings. The fact that self-forgiveness involves acknowledging wrongdoing and admitting that you might need to change can make the process more challenging.

Lastly, people who are not yet ready to change may find it harder to truly forgive themselves. Instead, of admitting they might need to change, they might engage in a sort of pseudo-self-forgiveness by simply overlooking or excusing their behavior.

Potential Drawbacks

While self-forgiveness is generally thought of as a positive action that can help restore the sense of self, there is also research indicating that it can sometimes have a detrimental effect. The major pitfall of self-forgiveness is that it can sometimes reduce empathy for those who have been hurt by your actions.

Although self-forgiveness often relieves feelings of guilt, there are times this inward focus may make it more difficult to identify with others. You can avoid this by consciously practicing empathy with those who have been affected by your actions.

Read the article here.

#forgiveness #forgive #forgiving #self forgiveness #self-forgiveness #self-love #self-compassion #compassion #love #kindness #self compassion #anger #emotions #dealing with emotions #verywellmind #free therapy #mental health #mental illness #mental wellness #mood disorders #anxiety #depression #bpd #bipolar disorder #ocd #ptsd #trauma #you got this #you can do it #you matter

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

Hanji POV

I was giving a pep talk to my squad when I saw (Y/N) talking to Levi. We were about to leave the walls in a few moments. For a second, I think I saw shorty with a warm expression. It was surprising really, given that he always looked like a "constipated brat" in his own words. What was more surprising was that he found himself someone shorter than he is. When we were called to the lift, I saw (Y/N) and Levi giving each other some really intense looks and talking about something.

God knows what these two were talking about given that their looks could make new recruits piss their pants. Levi walked away from her when the lift arrived and stood beside me on the lift. I saw (Y/N) move slightly to stand with the crowd.

"Yo shorty, what were all those intense looks about?" I nudged Levi to which he answered, "Shut it shitty glasses". I smiled at his usual behaviour. Seems like even love can't change some things. I sighed at the thought. Moblit and I weren't able to go on a date because of how busy I was with my experiments. I need to make it up to him after the expedition if both of us come back alive. As the lift creaked up, someone shouted from the crowd, " HEY HANJI!". I looked down and saw, "Flegel?" I muttered, curious that he was shouting my name out. "TAKE BACK WALL MARIA! THE FUTURE OF MANKIND IS IN YOUR HAAAANDS!" he shouted.

Following his lead, many others shouted out encouragements. Some thanked Levi for saving the town and to that Levi muttered, "Someone's got a big mouth". " Well, with the commotion we made, of course they'd find out." I muttered, answering Levi. The replacement for Mike said, "The thing is, all the meat we ordered was from the Reeves company." The replacement for Squad leader Ness merely said, "Damn that Flegel".

Suddenly, I heard people beside us shouting "YEAH YOU CAN COUNT ON US!". I turned and saw Levi squad shouting out to the people. Other soldiers were muttering about how the Survey corps never had a send off like this before. Erwin replied to them by saying, "As far as I'm aware, this is a first" before starting to shout himself. Both Levi and I looked at him surprised. I looked down at the crowd to see (Y/N) gaping at the sight too. After all, this was completely unexpected for someone as calm as Erwin.

(Y/N) POV

It was surprising to see Uncle Erwin so excited about an expedition. Specially, one that could cause many casualties. The Survey Corps were gone after a while and the crowd dispersed. I went back to the Survey corps Headquarters to get my squad to help me receive all the furniture and make my home liveable. "I have a home now..." I thought gleefully. I finally was able to find happiness. I took my horse back from the stable and galloped towards the headquarter.

When I opened the door to the common room, I saw my squad complaining about not being able to join the expedition.

[(Y/N) Squad/ Special operations squad 2:

(Y/N) squad was supposed to be one of the four commanding squads beside Levi squad, Hanji squad and Drik squad but due to her pregnancy leave, Marlene squad was a temporary replacement for her.

Members:

Diana Becker: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Very good at communicating with other soldiers and after being trained by (Y/N), 3DMG techniques are improving. Appointed as (Y/N)'s second in command.

Heinrich Fischer: A transfer from Garrison from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is medic. Good at 3DMG and getting better with (Y/N)'s training. Excellent at hand to hand combat according to (Y/N) as he was the only person who knew the right strategy to use on (Y/N), losing nonetheless. Not too good in social skills

Stefan Wagner: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is Veterinarian. Good at 3DMG and improving. Good at social skills and will implement any command given as flawlessly as possible.

Marie Schwarz: A military police transfer from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is dealing with finance. A serious soldier who is good at almost all sectors except hand to hand combat due to a lacking in understanding of the enemy's moves but that could be improved by team activities. However, it seems like she had difficulty with authority, specially (Y/N)'s.]

"Damn it... This was one important expedition and we couldn't join... They will all be awarded as heroes when they return and we will only be watching.." Heinrich complained to the other bored soldiers as I walked in. They were all seniors in case of Trainee corps records but younger than myself by a few years given that I joined a bit late. "Heinrich, if you are so keen on being Titan fodder, go ahead, take your horse and follow them. They haven't gone too far yet." I told him, shutting him up.

"Sorry, squad leader (Y/N). He was just being an ass" Diana muttered, smacking Heinrich on his head. They probably were in a relationship or something, given that I walked onto them kissing one time. I pretended I didn't see it though. "Well, be thankful that you aren't fighting Titans with your lives in your hands and instead you're helping me with decorating my home. I want you all at my home in 30 minutes. I'll be going to the furniture store and getting the furniture." I ordered them as they answered with a "Hai!" before I left for the furniture store. It was already getting dark. I took my horse there, paid the furniture makers, rented a wagon and with the help of the furniture maker's apprentice, took all the furniture home. The squad was already home and with their help, I started arranging the house.

"Diana, go arrange the kitchen utensils. Stefan and Heinrich, move that shelf away from the window." I commanded. Most of the house was already decorated. I just needed to get the bedsheets arranged, bring all of Levi's and my own books from the headquarters, except of course, the work related ones. "Marie, we are going to get the books" I commanded her and we went to the headquarter.

It took a while to arrange all the books as I did that by dividing the books by genres. After the whole decoration process was done, I thanked the squad and dismissed them. It was about 10 pm when I started cleaning the house. After an hour of cleaning, I felt like the house was clean enough for Levi's standards and I locked the front gate and went back to the headquarter. We weren't supposed to be living in this house till we get married. I was tired beyond measures after all the work and decided to pass out on the bed.

A few hours later

Levi POV

"Looks like the beast titan has us in it's sights. This place is about to turn into a honeycomb. Erwin, if you tell me there's no way left for us to fight back, I'll start preparing for defeat." I told Erwin. This operation was meaningless. Of course there was no chance of victory after this. If we had to get some survivors... I would have to give up my life... Would (Y/N) be okay with it? I'm sure she would be devastated... But I had to do this. For humanity and for a good future of my child... Can (Y/N) raise him on her own? "It could be a she too you know" (Y/N)'s voice rang in my head. She always pointed that out whenever I called our child a 'he'.

"Eren's sprawled out there, right? Go wake him up. You and some of the others get on him and run. That way we'll have at least a few survivors." I continued. I remembered the last time I slept with her. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps... "The recruits and survivors from Hanji's squad can scatter on horses all at once and try to head home... How does that sound? With them acting as bait, you and the others on Eren will be able to escape." I concluded. I remember her snuggling into my arms, burying her head in my chest... "And what are you going to do, Levi?" Erwin asked me. Was that really the last time I saw her? And I really made a shitty promise that I couldn't keep that time?

"I'll deal with that beast. I'll lead him away" I answered. Am I really ready to choose humanity over her? Over our kid? "No. You can't even get close to him." Erwin stated. I remembered her rare smiles. I imagined a future where she and my kid will be safe. If this sacrifice is worth it, I can do this. "Probably not. But, if you and Eren make it back alive, there's still hope. Isn't that the kind of situation we're in now? This is a major defeat. Honestly, I'm not expecting anyone to make it home alive at this point." I replied. "True. If we don't have any way of fighting back." Erwin stated calmly. I was surprised. Did he have anything up his sleeve?

"Do you have one?" I asked him, genuinely surprised. "Yes" he stated. At this point, I was annoyed at him. What was he thinking? Why didn't he say this to me before? "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you put that ugly mouth of yours to work sooner and say something?" I asked, genuinely annoyed. "If this plan goes well, you may be able to defeat that beast. But only if we sacrifice the lives of all the recruits here, as well as mine." Erwin mentioned. Sacrificing Erwin? Didn't I promise (Y/N) that I'll keep him safe? If he makes a decision like this, how can I face (Y/N) again?

"You're absolutely right. No matter what we do, most of us will surely die. Infact, it's most likely that we will all be wiped out. So our only choice is to assume we are all expendable and work from there. We'd have to ask these young people to give up their lives. You'd need the skills of a first rate con man to come up with a reason that convincing. So I doubt any of them will charge forward unless I was leading the way. Which would mean I'd be the very first to die. Without ever learning what was in that basement." Erwin said. "Huh?" I asked, confused.

This man was about to die and all he cared about was a shitty basement? He sighed and said, "I just want to go to that basement. Everything I have done, I did thinking that this day would come. That someday, I would be able to check my answers. There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die. Then, the dream I shared with my father would flash through my head. And now those answers are close enough to reach out and grab... They are right here... But, Levi, can you see them? All of our comrades? Our comrades are watching us. They want to know what we will do with the hearts they dedicated to our cause. Because they may be gone but their fight isn't over. But then again, I promised (Y/N) that I will be with her at her wedding... She doesn't deserve to lose more... I broke enough promises to her before. Will the last thing I told her be a promise that I couldn't keep? Or is it all pointless and nothing more than my own childish delusion?".

I looked at Erwin for a while, my mind full of doubt. He was implying that I have to make the decision. This was much worse. (Y/N) would never forgive me. She will despise me. I might lose the only chance I ever had of having a family. Then again, didn't I decide that sacrificing my life for the safety of (Y/N) and our child was worth it? Why should this be any different? If wall Maria is captured, humanity will be much closer to victory. (Y/N) and our child will be safer. I'd rather have (Y/N) hate me than get her killed because I was weak. I knelt down in front of Erwin and told him, "You've fought a good fight. We have only come this far thanks to you. I'm making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die for us. Lead the recruits straight into hell. And I'll take down the beast titan.". To that he smiled slightly at me. "Keep (Y/N) safe. You two have my blessings." he said, startling me before he explained the plan to me.

"You want me to approach the beast by myself using vertical manoeuvring? There's nothing around him! There isn't a single tree or house or anything else I can use!" I asked Erwin, not understanding what he was talking about. "No... You have targets that are the perfect height. They are standing there all in a row aren't they? Use the titans to sneak up on and ambush the beast titan." Erwin explained.

I stood beside him as he convinced all the soldiers to give up their lives. Deep down, I knew it was all my decision. I felt revolted by myself. Does a person like me even deserve the happiness and stability of a family? When I can decide to send so many people to their deaths, bringing tragedy to so many other families... "No. I won't regret my decision now. It is all for the greater good" I convinced myself as I stood, watching the faces of people who knew they were about to die meaningless deaths.

The plan was put into action. I maneuvered towards the beast titan, killing it's titan army in progress. I saw the suicide charge down there. "I'm sorry" I told them in my mind as I slashed the napes of titans.

"Turning into titan puts a heavy strain on your body... So you can't transform again while you're busy healing. Isn't that right?" I asked the blonde man who I had cut out of the beast titan and stuffed my blade in his mouth. I pushed the blade forward, making it come out of an eye socket through his mouth before saying, "Hey, answer me. Don't you have any manners?". "I can't kill him. Not yet. Isn't there anyone still alive? It doesn't matter how injured they are as long as they are breathing... I can use this shot to turn them into a titan... Then I can have them eat this guy and steal the power of the beast titan. Isn't there anyone?" I thought. An image of Erwin passed through my mind.

"Isn't there someone I can bring back-" my thoughts were interrupted by the cart titan's mouth. I assumed that it tried to eat me but I moved away and saw it taking the beast titan and run away. "Hey! Where are you going? Stop. I'm not done with you yet..." I said, my voice sounding like a defeated person. Did I just lose to him at the last moment? The beast titan commanded the remaining titans to come at me. "Wait... I swore to him... That I'd kill you no matter what." I muttered. Anger surged into me as I continued, "I SWORE TO HIM!" as I changed my blades and charged towards the titans coming at me, slashing their napes off as fast as possible so that I could follow the beast and end him.

I flew to the wall as fast as possible to find the beast titan in front of Eren. Eren had his blade to the throat of a limbless figure, possibly the colossal titan. The beast titan saw me and started running again as I flew towards Eren. My gas finished off just as I reached Eren. "That was the last bit of gas I had. I'm going after him. Give me all your gas and blades. Hurry!" I commanded Eren just before a black figure behind him coughed faintly.

The black figure was Armin. Eren was going insane after figuring out that Armin was alive. He shouted at me excitedly to give the titan serum to Armin. A certain gut feeling made me hesitate. What if Erwin isn't dead? I was handing the serum out to Eren when Floch arrived with Erwin on his back. He said that Erwin is alive and gravely injured. I took the serum back, sure that I will inject it to Erwin. "Captain?" Eren asked, surprised and scared. I checked Erwin's nose with my hand.

"He's still breathing. He's still alive...". I can keep (Y/N)'s promise... "We're giving this injection to Erwin" I stated. Eren suddenly stood up, facing me. "You just said you'd use it on Armin.." he told me, tears streaming from his eyes. "I'm choosing to keep alive the man who will save humanity" I replied to Eren. Behind me, Mikasa got her blade out.

"You guys, do you have the faintest damn clue on what you're doing? We are talking about Erwin Smith. The commander of the Survey corps. You're telling me to sit here and let him die? There's no time. Get out of my way." I told them before Eren held the box of titan serum in my hands. "Eren, look past your feelings." I told him. "My feelings? Why did you hesitate before handing over the injection?" Eren asked me. Wasn't it obvious? I was trying to keep a promise that I made. I just had to take the chance...

"I was considering the possibility that Erwin was alive." I answered. "I don't see how you ever could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying commander." Eren stated. "You're right. But now that Erwin is here, we're using it on him." I told him my final decision. To my surprise, he still tugged on to the box and I had no choice other than punching him on his face, and sending him flying. Mikasa ran at me with her sword and jumped on me with her blade on my throat. Why couldn't I fight her? I was always stronger than her, but, was it guilt that made me feel this way? The fact that I probably was being selfish? That I wanted Erwin alive more for personal reasons than just the fate of humanity?

Hanji pulled Mikasa off me. She explained to her that everyone lost people dear to them today. She lost Moblit, how she regretted not going out with him even once, how she wished to bring him back too along with many other comrades. I was up on my foot now, kneeling in front of Erwin with the injection out. Suddenly, I felt someone grab my feet. "Heichou, have you heard of the ocean?" he said. He told me how much Armin wanted to see it. Floch tried to stop him but he said it anyway. I realised that he wasn't any different from me. He wanted his best friend back. I wanted (Y/N)'s happiness. I didn't have any right to choose who is to live and who is to die but at that moment, I was forced to make a choice. I chose to give in to my personal gain.

"Troops, clear the area! Erwin will turn into a titan and eat Berthold!" I commanded. "Fools, all of them... Like little kids... The way they scream and flail..." I muttered as I walked towards Erwin with Berthold. Suddenly, flashes of my conversation with Kenny came to my mind. "They couldn't keep going unless they were drunk on something..." he told me. I folded Erwin's jacket up to his elbow. I brought the injection towards his hand. "They were all slaves to something. Even him", Kenny's voice rang in my ear just as Erwin's hand shot up. " Teacher... How'd y... find out that they don't exist?" Erwin muttered.

Realisation flowed through my mind. Someone as self obsessed as Kenny decided to die when he achieved his dreams. I remembered the conversation I had with Erwin before the expedition. The one where he said that he didn't have much plans for after he finds out what was in the basement. The conversation from before the suicide march rang in my head. "There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die." I remembered Erwin saying that. Erwin was able to work his wonders only because of his curiosity on what was in the basement. If he found out what was in the basement, he won't have any reason to fight anymore. Sure, he loved (Y/N) but that had nothing to do with this fight. He already gave the responsibility of (Y/N)'s safety to me before the suicide march.

Even if Erwin lived, he wouldn't be able to contribute much to humanity's victory anymore. Armin on the other hand, still has a dream that was far from being achieved. "I need to keep (Y/N) and my child safe. No matter what." I thought. Erwin's death was crucial for humanity's victory. With that thought, I injected Armin with the titan serum.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

#levi aot #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi attack on titan #levi x reader #levi x fem!reader #levi×reader #captain levi #levi ackerman

[yuraimi-lee-bunny]

Let's get to the point first and then I'll give the important details:

Because of rude and intolerant comments of directly and indirectly way from LiS fandom here in Tumblr (only intolerant and abusive fans of Pricefield and Chloe) I fell into depression for a year and a half

I met the game on February 6, 2015. I immediately loved the game. I could only watch Gameplays. At the same time I was about to finish my Visual Arts career. I was specializing in Illustration and creation, development and character analysis (theory and practice)

At the beginning (between Ep.1 and Ep.3) Pricefield was causing me some pleasure but I also liked Warren, although I defended Warren from the unjustified hate that dome gave him, but I never saw the Grahamfield as an option. But days before Ep.4 some personal things happened to me, and I began to see the Grahamfield with an option, I started to like it more. Ep.4 arrives and besides being my favorite episode, I was happy and surprised that the Grahamfield was a possible option.

Finish the game and although I don't like at all the choice "Sacrifice Arcadia Bay" I had no problem, in the end: everyone their choices. I started showing my Grahamfield works. Sometimes comments came directly and indirectly offending my work. No problem, I could deal with it. But in 2016 began the problem: The attacks on Grahamfield, Warren and those who liked it increased even worse: they attacked those who chose to Sacrifice Chloe. The offenses were of a lot of variety but here are some of the ones I remember:

"You have no heart" "You're a monster", "You're a horrible person" "Surely you're homophobic" "You're a lesphobic" "You didn't understand the game" "You didn't understand Max" "That disgusts your tastes" "If you like such a ship, then fuck you"

In early 2016 I was dealing with many personal, family, professional problems, go to see things about LiS and other things that I liked helped me to reassure me. But that intolerant posts in LiS tags were so massive and consecutive that ended up making me believe them and thus, fall into depression.

I was weak? Maybe. But I hope you understand that everywhere I was going through difficult times, that when I went to see things about LiS it was my way of being able to entertain myself and I hope you also understand, that these people were not entitled to attack people. In 2015 I could deal with it but that 2016 I couldn't because of my own affairs and because the attacks, seriously, were massive. I was no longer happy with my decisions, nor tastes, with anything. I tried everything: to listen to my favorite music, to watch series that motivated me and remembered me my goals and my own being. Met my friendships, my boyfriend. Nothing worked. Everything was getting worse: although I no longer paid attention and stopped going to tags for a while, the damage was already done to me, the doubts grew more and more in me:

"Why do I like grahamfield?" "Why couldn't you like the Pricefield?" "Why do you like Warren?" "Why can't Chloe be your favorite?"

And worse:

"Why do you always like the weirdest thing?" "Why can't you be like the others?" "Why don't you normal?" "Why do I think as I think?" "Why am I this way?" What was I born for? "Why do I exist?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"

My self-esteem went down a lot, I no longer wanted to draw and I didn't want to get out of bed. Everything looked gray and had attacks of crying. Although my problems had turned out. The depression was already in me. I had to go to the psychologist. I was diagnosed with Social Depression. It wasn't serious, but it had to be treated. I kept going to sessions. My psychologist is a love, I could tell her absolutely everything even if it sounded very absurd but she understood and helped me. My mom, my boyfriend, some friends help me too. Some things I discovered also help: Lukas Graham, Keane, Oxenfree, and more.

Throughout 2016 sometimes I suffered attacks of anxiety, doubts, of crying. It was difficult to deal for me, my mom and my boyfriend. But we don't give up. I didn't give up. I almost broke up with my boyfriend for believing it was a nuisance and weak, but I never did. Unfortunately sometimes looking Pricefield made me nervous and feeling of guilt for not liking Pricefield invaded me very hard. I swear that I tried by many means to like it and become my ship. I never could and currently I can't. I only see them as best friends.

So I drew Grahamfield. In fact, in this long road of recovery, Max and Warren accompanied me a lot, they were the characthers and a ship that helped me a lot in accepting myself as I am and with my tastes and choices. Little by little I was recovering. 2016 wasn't a very pleasant year for me, but still there some good memories of that year. 2017 was a better year. At the beginning of that year I could feel improvements, but sometimes the doubts continued and sometimes I woke up with stomachaches. Monstar Calls, Persona 5, Jughead's Comic, new friendships, and improved more. LiS's fandom was quieter and I drew more Grahanfield. But April was where I found that serie that made me try harder to get up.

Orange is the New Black and Bojack Horseman were those series that I watched in 2016 and helped me a lot to accept my depression, to accept myself, to defend myself and to love myself as I am. But that April 12 2017 I started watching 13 Reasons Why and everything was clearer to me. I know, 13RW is a very controversial series, but it helped me realize many, many things: how lucky I'm to have people around me who love and love me. That I want and I must be strong to protect those I want, to defend myself and demonstrate what I'm capable of achieving. Not giving up. It's worth moving forward. I want to live.

And so, with more strength and enthusiasm I began to overcome my low self-esteem, I began to draw more, to work for a while as a waitress and resume my studies to get my degree. There was only one problem: now I saw Pricefield and I got angry. It reminded me of all the pain I went through in 2016 for those rude people who liked Pricefield and kept attacking you just for liking another ship. But my anger is left just in that: Angry. I swear never, but NEVER come to attack or offend someone because they like Pricefield. I never did and never will.

2017 was a good year, although BTS isn't a game that I like very much, I enjoyed it somehow. My psychologist tells me that I'm much better. For me it meant that I had already overcome my depression. The earthquake of September 19 in 2017 was an event that greatly impacted me. I helped as much as I could, and there I realized that in 2018 I wanted to improve myself more as person. And I did it.

2018 was my best year: I participated in a film with rotoscopie technique called "Olimpia" and it's one of my greatest achievements and I'm proud to have participated in making animation. I did many activities that helped me grow as a person. I kept drawing Grahanfield and now I defended Warren and Grahamfield as I had never done, but this time with evidence. My love for the characters had come back and I had studied the subject more. American Vandal, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Shape of Water also arrived in 2018 and they helped me a lot.

2019 arrives: Carmen Sandiego and The Umbrella Academy get to inspire me professionally. I started a diploma in February of Graphic Novel to get my Bachelor's degree. I did it. I finished in August and this November they gave it to me. I'm already licensed. I've been calmly reading the LiS comic. Seeing things about Pricefield no longer fill me with anxiety. I absolutely feel good and happy with my tastes within the fandom of LiS.

In these days I have thought about my whole process. OITNB ended this year, next year ends Bojack Horseman and 13 Reasons Why. Those 3 series with their recent seasons have made me see that I must close a cycle. And that's why I count all this.

I tell my story as proof of how much the toxic side of the LiS fandom damaged me. That although everything remains calm sometimes, there are still people like that I managed to get ahead, and I hope that someone inside the fandom hasn't suffered something similar or worse. And still, to those people who damaged me only one thing I can say:

Thank you.

Thank you for your fatal acts, because even they have damaged me and brought me into depression, it caused me to get the best out of myself and show myself that I can be stronger.

I love Grahamfield, Max and Warren separately. These characters and ship aren't only that, they're my recovery symbol and reminder of loving me as I am. They mean to me a lot. They grew and healed with me. I appreciate these two separately and together. I never hated Chloe. She isn't my favorite but I appreciate her a lot, I recognize her flaws, and I still appreciate her. Chloe and me have things in common. But in truth: you don't know how much I identify with Max and Warren, that's how it was since I met the game.

I'm glad to notice my years of progress. But I also want to apologize if at some point I became rude for defending Warren and/or Grahamfield. Now I hope you understand where my courage and my insistence to defend it came from.

I also want to make it clear that I don't blame Pricefield or anyone who likes this ship or Chloe. But I want to prove that attacking someone just because doesn't like your ship isn't fine. You don't know what is happening to that person. Judging someone just for a taste is neither good nor kind. You don't know how much a characther/ship can mean for that person. Notice to what degree can damage their fanaticism that reaches the degree of intolerance. I also want to clarify that it isn't bad that someone doesn't like Warren and Grahamfield. What is wrong is that some don't understand that everyone likes. That understand that not everyone will like the same thing and they will not see it in the same way.

Everyone is a world. Everyone has their own worldview. Not because someone is different from you and doesn't like the same as you, it gives you the right to judge it as trahs and treat it as trahs.

Treat people as you would like to be treated.

I'm glad that in these 4 years that I like LiS I have found people who are still kind to me and others, and who respect each other's tastes and decisions. Both on Twitter, IG and here I have found friendly and fun people and I really appreciate them. They were a great help of my recovery. Really, thank you very much guys. Believe me that sharing the same taste for LiS but each one having different taste, still treating each other well and in a friendly way, helped me a lot and I'm very grateful. I will continue to like everything about LiS and LiS2. I will continue to draw about it and I will love to find friendships that also like LiS. Count on me when you need anything. LiS is still something important in my life, it helped me a lot to grow in several aspects. But I also won't let anyone keep offending/attacking someone else in the fandom if that person isn't hurting anyone. Respect and Tolerance among all please.

If you have read all this, you don't know how much I appreciate it. I hope this helps someone to reflect on our way of living, communicating, understanding and tolerating each other. I'm already very well, more than good.

I love myself.

Please love yourself.

You can do it!

#life is strange #lis #max caulfield #warren graham #grahamfield #pricefield #bae over bay #chloe price #rachel amber #amberprice #kate marsh #nathan prescott #victoria chase

[system-of-a-feather]

So. We are talking to our counselor about ptsd and host is struggling to accept it, and we have been blurring a lot lately. Counselor is giving us grounding techniques to help, but host doesnt want to practise them when we aren't dissociating. Idk how to help him, cause he barely wants to acknowledge us as is. Any advice? Also! Hope everything for you guys are going good! We love you guys a lot, and hope you all are doing good 🧡

It can be often hard for hosts to come to terms with PTSD and the severity and reality of the trauma that the system / body has gone through in the past. From our system’s personal experience and from what I personally watched first hand from Riku and a now-dormant alter, digesting the reality of the trauma and the weight of it is often a really big “pill to swallow” as they would put it, and sometimes hosts aren’t entirely ready to work and digest it. I’ve seen both within our system and others that pushing it too harshly can cause an adverse response (such as extreme denial flare ups, extreme doubt, self loathing, etc) in an attempt to “emergency” distance from trauma that they had heavily learned to block off to cope with.

This isn’t to say that you should cut off the progress and discussion that your counselor is having, but more to say that I would recommend taking a step back and checking the situation out and checking in on the host and seeing how they are feeling (sometimes you may not be able to ask them directly without them shutting down of sorts, so you might have to infer off of general behavior and thought patterns that you might pick up) and to see if the counselor is moving too fast for them at the moment. If that is the case, I would recommend trying to get another alter out to address the topic and issue with the counselor so that they are aware that it might be causing issues and/or that the sessions are not reaching the host due to it being overwhelming. In fact, even if it isn’t the case, I would recommend either having another alter that is aware of the situation come in session - or at least write a note for the host to turn in (if you can trust the host to do that) to bring the issue up to the counselor’s awareness. That sort of communication is vital to having a productive and effective recovery pattern and if it is possible to do so I would recommend it.

If you do plan to continue forward with the discussion and your host does seem somewhat ready to walk forward into trying to come to terms with how bad the past trauma was and all of that, then I would advice you to just try to be availible, supportive, and reassuring as much as possible. When it comes to when Riku - or the system as a whole - is talking about potentially triggering topics or serious trauma situations, a lot of the ANPs and protectors plan ahead of time to be a bit more active and aware and - in a way - prepare and set up the environment to allow for time and space to have mental breakdowns, flashbacks, and to slow down in our environment. For us, this often means clearing out time in the schedule, getting assignments done ahead of time, having alters ready and keeping an eye on the potentially vulnerable alters, and generally trying to foster a healthy, supportive, warm, and gentle environment internally and - for as far as we can - externally so there are little variables that might add further stress and challenge to an already stressful and challenging task.

The last thing we typically want when someone is trying to process, come to terms with, and work with trauma is a really big deadline coming up that would make it harder to process and work through the emotions / motions of coming to terms with it all. It is honestly to the point that our system will not move forward at all with a trauma topic if the next few weeks are not in what Riku and I would consider “safe low stress” range. 

Riku likes to state this a lot on the blog, but you do not ever have to rush or speed into recovery and coming to terms with trauma. While it is important to come to terms with the presence of trauma and to eventually process it, sometimes it is better to stop, take a break, and move forward in tip toes rather than leaps as any progress is some progress and rushing can be detrimental. It is actually a very important component of trauma therapy that most therapists try to keep an eye out for. 

EDIT. I just noticed the extra comments, thanks for the well wishes and love. We love the support. We are doing well, albeit all of us are working on independent improvements.

-Lucille (Primary Protector)

#alter: lucille #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #advice #ask #asks #therapy #trauma #ptsd #c-ptsd

[kidmachinate]

Stealth

I'm bad at stealth in games but I'm damn good at it IRL. Being absent not only allows for recharging when needed but also allows you to watch as an already dark/depressed world seems to be very closed minded and only complains. I can't help this mindset. The one so harsh on many that are either spoonfed life and don't actually understand what real stakes are, or ones that complain but never act. This will mark the last of the "positive negativity" section because even that in itself can't be black and white. Everything is overanalyzed and loved or hated. Give me a damn break.

So, here we go. Why bother, right? Why continue? To that I say do we need the direct answer? Ask me mine? I don't have it either. I'm always hiding out until I feel I can come back whether for a good small point in time or for a while and then back to the batcave. Embracing being temp? You could say that. I'd call it evaluating options. Determining what the best possible future could look like while working on self-improvement along the way. Let's get real. A lot of us probably haven't been as productive as we were before COVID-19. Unless you are an essential worker. In which case thank you. Let me be clear however...I mean actually essentially. Not the goddamn WWE or whatever else we deem essential that isn't. People saving and enriching lives.

Getting people to agree with you shouldn't be the goal. It actually doesn't matter. It is however frustrating still when one just can't budge outside of their own view. It isn't the end of the world though. There are plenty willing to have enriching conversations. Being positive all the time can. it only be exhausting but you also don't have all the answers. You have to know that though. Otherwise, people are gonna stop listening. No one likes a know it all they say, but the don't exist.

For as much as me personally dislike Trump supporters for various reasons, if you can remove politics from the conversation, maybe...just maybe...said person isn't a crap individual? Rolling the dice on that is tricky but it can happen. It's possible. Maybe the company you swear blind brand loyalty can fuck up after all. They aren't perfect.

Negativity exists, people. Whether it is simply out there because of world events or people bring it in, it exists. The opposite however will exist as well. No matter which you lean into more on any given day, you have the power to flip the script...but sometimes you ponder what side you'll take in silence. Feel free to laugh at whichever side you want at the time. Just come back strong and try not to be a dick in the process, eh?

Did this make any sense? That's okay too, for it it didn't. You miss all the shots you don't take. 0% accuracy. I'd say thank your healer, but if they leave you for dead they chose wisely. You have to contribute to. Don't ever expect to be carried. If you are, they are actually doing you a disservice long term.

#creative writing #batman #gaming #life thoughts #progression #stealth

[arethereanyoriginalusernames]

CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT

ADDISON WOODS, P 1

Requested by @zoophobiapika

For anyone who does not know what this is, Character Spotlight 1 is where I criticized how a specified character is written. Part 2 is where I analyze the character and make predictions. Also, I'm doing these in a slightly different format, so if you see me redo my Damian character spotlight, don't be surprised (plus I'm not proud of that one). I am also specifically criticizing how the character is written. I'm no expert when it comes to art, so if you'd like a critique on his design, I'd recommend bugging @rzphhs.

Zoophobia belongs to our fandom's Lord and savior, Vivziepop. This, however, is not a critique of her CURRENT writing skills. Not sure if you noticed, but zoophobia is kinda old. The reason I'm doing this is because I believe that when we analyze stories we love and find flaws within them, we can find ways to improve our own writing. I do not hate Vivziepop, and this is not meant as an attack. Also, you're free to disagree with me. I'm not some godly figure who's always correct. However, I ask that any comments remain civil. If any arguments or whatever break out over this, Imma Chase some bitches with a pool noodle. We good? Let's go.

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" BREAKING NEWS. LOCAL CANADIAN HAS DECIDED TO ONCE AGAIN TALK BAD ABOUT AN INCREDIBLY CUTE CHARACTER! IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS INDIVIDUAL REPORT THEM TO THE DEPARTMENT OF WHOGIVESAFUCK AND TURN THEM IN IMMEDIATELY. THIS PERSON WAS LAST SEEN ROBBING A STARBUCKS, WHICH YOU'D THINK WOULD BE A BIGGER CRIME, BUT HEY, WE ALL KNOW WHAT TAKES PRIORITY! "

Oh what a lovely day. I haven't slept all night, and I have ammonia or something. Lovely. What a perfect time to talk about a fictional character. Look, if it's any comfort to the fan girls who come across this, part 2 will have me being more of a fan than a critic. Just bare with me for this, and if worse comes to worse, blame Pika.

-----------------------

As per usual, let's get started with some criticism I don't agree with.

Addison looks like a girl

Alright, first of all, don't read my stories. Second, maybe this is because I live in Canada where the need for equality is pounded into your head every other hour, but...yeah? Dudes can look girly. Have you never seen a girly guy before? If so, how? Now, I'm aware that some people have an issue with this because Addi is gay, and girly gays are a common trope when gays are presented in media. While yes, this is true, Addi being a sort of trope isn't necessarily a bad thing. A trope-y character can still be written well and be entertaining. Besides, it's been said that all original ideas have been done before, so good luck trying to ever find a 100% original character anywhere.

-----------------------------

That's about all, but before I tear this character limb from limb, I'd like to go over things I DO like about this character.

He was ok in chapter 3

Yeah, he had problems there too, like when he just stood around and had little to no reaction to his bff turning into a mini cuthulu, but those are not problems exclusive to Addi. He didn't stand out much, per say, but what we got wasn't terrible. His banter with others was fine and even funny at some points.

He has a character motivation

Yeah, his goal to find love is a boring one, but unlike some of our other important characters, he actually has one.

He might be more interesting in the future

Addison is basically an artificial life form created by Xirxene, and not only is Xirxen after him, if Vivz still goes with this concept in the reboot, he apparently has mad sword skills yo, a dark side called Adder, and can summon two giant ass snakes. If that concept is still going to be used, then hell yeah, I'm down for that shit

----------------------------

Now the moment we've been waiting for. What do I have against Addi? Why do I find him annoying as a critic of zp? Grab a cup of maple syrup, because this'll be a doozy. I'll order my issues from least bothersome to the most.

His relationship with Gustav

Ok, I think we can all agree that this relationship was poorly done. While I myself have no problems with this pairing, the way Vivz had them come together was shit. Gustav looks like a pedo creep hitting on a student, and Addi looks like an idiot as he just lets Gustav insult one of his friends. Their relationship is hasty, and the only apparent attraction they have for each other is their looks (and Addi looking like a 12 year old doesn't really help Gustav's pedo case. Don't worry, any concerned readers, there isn't any pedophilia going on. Addi has apparently been aged up to 17, and Gustav is 19)

Just to clarify, hasty relationships in stories aren't in themselves a bad thing. This could serve as a reflection on both the characters. Perhaps they fall in love easily. Perhaps their just the type of people who'd do these sorts of things. The problem here is that Addi is the only one of the two who seems like he'd do this. It's stated by Dame (who could be hyperbolising here for all we know ) that Addi throws himself at guys very often. Gustav, however, doesn't seem to have anything about him that'd suggest he'd be down for dating someone he just met.

You know how this relationship could be fixed? Gustav is 19, so he would've graduated only a year or so ago. So, have him and Addi be old friends who hung out before Gustav graduated. Perhaps have them have an attraction to each other that was initially waved off by Gustav at first, but now he's back, he might be interested now. Also, have them be attracted to each other for more then just looks. Perhaps they respect each other's talents, perhaps they have similar interests. That'd make their relationship a little more believable.

His personality

You know, in all my time spent in the zp fan base, I've noticed that the majority of Addi fans like him because he's cute. Not because of his personality. Just because he's cute. I mean, I don't entirely blame them for focusing on his appearance more because his personality. .....woof.

Zoophobiacomic.com describes his personality as the following;

" Addison likes to keep to himself and spends most of his time working in the Art Wing. While he doesn’t often open up to others and can sometimes hide away an air of elitism, he has developed a close friendship with his classmates Damian and Sahara. Their outward energy and enthusiasm has begun to counteract Addison’s typically introverted nature"

So he's shy, and a bit of an elitist, and he's slowly becoming more self confident. Ok.....now let's look at what the comic itself presents us. For one thing, he's surprising sassy, especially in ch3, not just to Dame, but to Leeson the crazy priest as well. He's also surprisingly self centered. Look at how he reacts to Dame being a shit to other people compared to how he reacts to Dame being a shit to him. Orchestrating an event that gets your cousin set on fire? That's ok. Preventing Addi from going on a date? That bastard! He doesn't even seem to care when Gustav insults one of his best friends. He also doesn't show any regret about attacking Mackenzie. Him having these traits aren't a problem, but this raises a bit of a concern for me since I don't think this is the impression we're supposed to get from his character.

His dumbass decisions

Yes Addison, go off on a date with some sexy random dude when there's an entire organization after you and you have no way of defending yourself. 10/10. 100/100. A+. Gold Star, Gud Job, Perfect Logic, Go buy a colouring book you infant!

His PTSD

Let me get one thing strsight (so at least one thing in this post isn't gay af), I don't have an issue with him having PTSD. My problem is how it's handled. The story acts like Addi attacking Mackenzie is just peachy keen because it was triggered by his ptsd. Except guess what? It isn't.

I'm going to be honest, I (someone with more then one handicap) hate it when those with disabilities are treated like babies, and The world must conform to their needs, and nothing is their fault because mashed potatoes. Look, a handicap can affect how you live your life, but it doesn't mean you get a free ticket to easy street. If anything, your life gets harder. And guess what? People babying you and pretending that your disability prevents you from any fault DOESN'T HELP. IT MAKES YOU WORSE. I'll use one of my own handicaps as an example. I have Auditory Processing Disorder. One symptom is that I can't hear myself, do I often talk incredibly loudly without realising it. Now imagine I went through life always yelling because no one told me to take it down a peg. Soon, yelling would become a habit, and it'd be a much harder problem to fix.

You guys starting to realize why other characters acting like Addi did nothing wrong bothers me? That's not how you react when someone with a disability does something like Addi does. It also makes me concerned that the comic will continue down the route of "oh, he has a disorder, so he's not really at fault ", excusing various bad things Addi does on his PTSD.

--------------------

So now I've typed out enough words to rewrite the American constitution, I'll end it here. Thank you for reading, and tell me what you think. If you'd like to see me critique another character like this, feel free to request it.

I apologize for wasting your time.

-ATOUN

#zoophobia #zoophobia addison #zoophobia critique #zp #vivzmind

[gothify1]

If you're not currently stressed and slightly manic about the state of our environment, I suggest you start reading the news. It is common to feel like there is nothing we as individuals can do to truly make an impact on the changing circumstances of our world, but together, we can make major moves and that is exactly what the historical and long-standing International Woolmark Prize aims to do within the fashion industry. The International Woolmark Prize brings emerging designers together and challenges them to push the status quo when it comes to how these newer brands are sourcing and creating clothing, specifically in regard to the use of Australian Merino wool . To give you an idea of just how respected this prize is, previous winners include Yves Saint Laurent, Karl Lagerfeld, and Ralph Lauren...just to name a few. This year, after sifting through over 300 applicants from over 47 different countries, the finalists have finally been selected. We had the opportunity to chat with three of them—Emily Bode , Matthew Adams Dolan , and Richard Malone —about their upcoming collections that will show at the 2020 International Woolmark Prize during London Fashion Week and their promised commitments to sustainability within their brands currently, and in the future. The winner of the IWP will receive funds to further develop their collection that will ultimately be sold at some of the industry's top retailers. Winning this award as an emerging designer means more than us onlookers can comprehend, so hearing about this award's impact from the finalists themselves seemed like the best option. Ahead, get ready to hear all the fine details about these three finalist's collections for the 2020 International Woolmark Prize and to see a sneak peek of their inspiration and lookbook imagery along the way. What does being a finalist in the IWP mean to you as an emerging designer? I have known about the history of Woolmark since I was in school at Parsons. The Prize is an incredible honor and opportunity to sit amongst these contemporary and historic names in our industry while holistically working towards a more thoughtful future in fashion. What can we expect from your collection at the IWP? A reinvigoration of historical techniques and processes in traceable and certified Merino wool. Explain the unique wool fabrication, process, or development that you used on this collection. Through working with the Woolmark Wool Lab, we gained contacts for suppliers and manufacturers that we otherwise may have not found. For example, one of these suppliers had Merino wool felt. I reinterpreted the historic tradition of collecting and patchworking wool souvenir pennants with a Woolmark certified merino wool felt which elevated the practice from using simply an untraceable craft felt. This collection embodies and exemplifies narratives of the past of re-use, self-sufficiency, and a commitment to the preservation of craft. What were some of your biggest challenges throughout that development? Some of the biggest challenges were the deadlines. Because it was our first time working with many of these mills and suppliers we didn’t know how to gauge production timelines as pertained to our previous collections. Can you speak to some of the other ways you execute sustainability within your brand? We work with family-owned historic mills and factories in New York, Pennsylvania, and Ireland, to name a few. We also work with a handful of female-owned manufacturers, such as our New York knitting factory and our India based embroidery studio. Since the beginning of the brand, I have worked with historic zero-waste and carbon-neutral processes such as hand-loom, hand-knitting, and hand-embroidery. Any advice for emerging designers on how to maintain sustainable practices while building a brand? Think unconventionally about your design practices! For instance, you don’t need to work solely with eco-technical fabrics to have a sustainable business. What does being a finalist in the IWP mean to you as an emerging designer? It is extremely exciting for me personally. I only work with sustainable and biodegradable and or recycled fabrics, so getting to research with wool was incredibly exciting. My brand began sustainability and is about future-proofing our planet, our people, and in turn, our industry. Nothing can truly be modern or luxurious that doesn't account for its actions and its impact. As a designer, I see a huge personality in research and design solutions, working from the very ground up and acknowledging every person and process along the way. A lot of sustainability is grounded in ego—designers wanting credit for something innovative—whereas often innovation or new systems only add to waste and damage. A good example is leather alternatives. Nothing changes with the existing leather industry, you just end up just creating more synthetic product that cannot biodegrade. Part of my project is going right back to the soil and rethinking our archaic fashion systems which incorporate everything from farming through to the extremely damaging wholesale model that permeates our industry. What can we expect from your collection at the IWP? My IWP submission involves using natural, plant-based and organic dyes with expert weavers to create beautiful, contemporary fabrics. I ensure that everyone in my supply chain is paid over triple the fair-trade wage and that everyone’s opinion and expertise are respected and encouraged—it is a real partnership. We've also established a regenerative farm to re-use our water waste, and encourage crop rotation (at the minute we have regrown cotton) so we are actually regenerating land that has become barren through mass production and giving back to the planet. I’ve also partnered with fiber shed in the UK who are sharing information with the farm in Tamil Nadu, so natural wool garments can be biodegraded back to the soil here and reinvigorate our earth. What were some of your biggest challenges throughout that development? The vigorous tests in place to determine what can pass as high-quality wool through the Woolmark certification program. A lot of cotton or fair trademarks and certificates can simply be bought—they aren't actually legislated so as a designer we need to not be lazy and actually visit every facet of our supply chain to ensure it is authentic and safe. Can you speak to some of the other ways you execute sustainability within your brand? We regenerate ocean waste into jersey, organic cotton, recycle water waste in regenerative farms, and educate consumers on recycling and repairing garments. We never mass produce and every person in our supply chain is treated fairly, paid properly and respected. Any advice for emerging designers on how to maintain sustainable practices while building a brand? Never let the ball drop. Don’t push to meet the schedule that exists. Focus on excellent work regardless of the time it takes. The schedule is archaic and irrelevant. How does it feel to be an International Woolmark Prize finalist? It’s very exciting to be part of the prize considering its history and the support and mentorship it provides. How long have you worked with Merino wool? We have been working with Merino wool for quite a few seasons now and are excited to continue to explore new ways to utilize it in the collection for the International Woolmark Prize. What would it mean for you and your brand if you were to win the International Woolmark Prize? It would be a huge honor and a great opportunity for the business. Regardless of the outcome, the support and mentorship that comes with the experience are invaluable. What design or business opportunities would you be able to pursue if you won the International Woolmark Prize? The prize really gives us the opportunity to further explore the diverse potential of wool as a material. Being part of the prize gives us a platform to further develop our business in a more sustainable and forward-thinking way. What are your current traceability and sustainability policies and how do you plan to incorporate these into your International Woolmark Prize collection? We have made efforts to be conscious of who we partner with, in terms of factories and suppliers. We are lucky to work with a number of sustainably-minded factories in Italy, however, this is something that we are always looking to improve and integrate into the business. In terms of the International Woolmark Prize collection, this is definitely something we are looking to incorporate more fully through the sourcing of recycled materials and production initiatives. Next up, shop some of the most popular It items spotted all over fashion month.

[tcportfoliomgj]

Wednesday, 9th of June, 2021

"There is really nothing so good for thinking, for clearing your mind, for acquiring fresh, unexpected thoughts than crossing the borders of your homeland." - Jeroen Lutters

So today is the day. Well, technically tomorrow, but I have to hand this portfolio in at 8:00, so that basically means I have to finish and hand it in tonight. Things are a little chaotic. I think I've covered most of the competencies and such, but I still need to do a part of creativity, collaboration and professional challenges. I need to do critical thinking as well (though it's already woven in some other posts too), but I'll do that in another post.

At the start of the year, we had to do a PC with our learning teams. This meant I had to do it with Nynke and Marije. We decided to focus on the ideal classroom and wanted to make a 'guide' for other teachers. I must admit, we didn't always take it that seriously and I would do things differently now. Later, Stijn joined the team and he was able to really add something to our project even though he joined near the end. Our final product was a Padlet (appendix 23), something that I would certainly change if I had to do it now. It's not bad, especially not for a first PC, but I think I would prefer to have a booklet, a neater webpage or a more brochure-like product. Still, I learned a lot from it. I did the research for it and got to practice using databanks and such.

My second PC however, is a lot better in my opinion. It's not finished yet, but I think we might continue this project next year. I worked with Joyce, Marije, Kimberly, Dominique and Eva. Ton was our coach and Bert Wienen our 'client'. But let's take it back to the beginning...

One day, the girls and I started talking about something that was said in a webinar. It was about teachers and whether or not they should also help students with personal problems. At some schools, they keep those things strictly separate. The teacher does the teaching, and everything else is done by other professionals. We found this a little shocking. Sure, teachers aren't psychologists and I don't think they should ever try to be. However, a student's personal life can affect their academic life, so shouldn't we as teachers be there for them to lend an ear and support them? We started questioning what we heard and what we already knew. Pretty soon, the idea formed to make this our PC, but we didn't really know how yet.

We worked on the basics first, like making a group contract (appendix 24) in which we decided on some rules concerning our behaviour, et cetera. Then through Ton, we got in contact with Bert Wienen, as we needed a 'client' for our professional challenge. I've mentioned Bert before, because of his research. I was a bit apprehensive about working with him, because of what he had written and of what he had said in a lecture, but I did want to give it a chance. Together with Ton, we had a brainstorming session. We decided that we could definitely work with Bert, but that we didn't have to focus on labels and diagnoses. We wanted to keep it more general than that because being an involved teacher that coaches also means you want to help everyone with personal problems, not just the ones who are labelled with a certain 'problem'.

We started talking to Bert and quickly came to the conclusion that we already know a lot about what teachers think, but that it's just as important to know what students think. Eventually, we decided that we would conduct preliminary research to help Bert with his research. We wanted to interview students of different ages and focus on student voice. Perception isn't always the same as reality, but it does show us how people experience reality. In fact, the perceptions of students form their views of education and influence their behaviour (Quaglia & Corso, 2017). Because it was preliminary research, we didn't have to worry about all the technicalities. This way, Bert really gave us the opportunity to focus on the interviews.

We made a design canvas (appendix 25) together and started preparing the student interviews. We wrote a project plan (appendix 26), with me taking the lead since I had already had a semester of Project Management when I studied Global Project & Change Management. We also created an interview guideline (appendix 27). This way, we can draw a conclusion from open conversations because in every conversation we have recurring questions. Kimberly and Dominique conducted the interviews on VO, while Joyce did it on PO. We are currently in the process of transcribing all the interviews and we haven't really decided what our final product will be, but we will after the portfolio deadline. We think the conclusion will be that not all students need a teacher to take on a coaching role, but they often do appreciate it. The close proximity of a safe haven isn't the most important, but the knowledge of there being one (Stevens & Bors, 2013, p. 77). We also plan on continuing with this PC next year. Hopefully, we'll be able to take the next steps in our research.

I would say our PC has gone pretty smoothly so far. We communicate quite well and are very honest with each other. We created a space in Microsoft Teams so we could easily share files and work in documents together. Setting up a team collaboration environment can be encouraging and makes it easy to work on a project together (Horine, 2017). We decided that we'd use Whatsapp for daily interactions. Face to face would've been an ideal way to communicate, but because of the pandemic, this was a bit hard. Near the end of the academic year, we were able to work on campus and talk face to face, which made things a lot easier. We used Teams video calls when we weren't able to meet on campus and also to organise meetings with Bert. We'd email him whenever we needed to update him on the project.

I would definitely describe our project group as a 'high-performing team', as Horine (2017) calls it. He says that high-performing teams have a core set of traits. The first trait is clarity. Teams need to know where they are going, what they are going and how they are doing it. I think we had a very clear plan and stuck to it quite well. High-performing teams also show commitment. As a group, we all felt very responsible for this project and wanted to go the extra mile, we were definitely invested and willing to put in the time. According to Horine (2017), the team should also be professional. The members take responsibility and do the assigned work. I think that we, as a team, did handle things professionally. Of course, we would joke here and there, but when we had to get down to business we were always able to get into that mindset. Then there is synergy, the fourth trade. I think this took a while for us, but after some weeks we really started to understand what worked well and who could do what. We started to really use our talents and performed really well as a team. Lastly, there is trust. Trust is of course earned over time, but I think we got to a good level of trust quite quickly. We were honest and open, this way we were able to discuss minor problems and easily work through them. All in all, I think we did really well as a team, and I'm quite proud of us and of our work. I definitely think we showed some courage because interviewing students about a topic like this isn't easy. We focussed on a very relevant topic however and we were very persistent. Sometimes things took a while to move forward, but we never gave up. Something we could improve on might be our focus on a final product, taking more risks and being more self-aware so we could use our talents a little more than we already did.

However, there were also some creative journeys and processes this year that didn't go that well at all. An example of this is the documentary we had to make for Art Based Learning. I wanted to do this alone and my first idea was to make a satirical documentary on the Dutch pluriform society. However, I was very behind on a lot of the work and I tend to be a little impulsive and sporadic. At one point I changed my topic to menstruation because I thought it would be cool to take a taboo topic and turn it into an awesome documentary. But it wasn't easy. I'm not the most structured person, and I easily get stuck during projects because of the simple step by step process. When I think I'm stuck or can't do something, I just block all my motivation to keep going and sometimes give up quite easily. It's not unusual for people with ADHD to struggle with going through a process (Regelink, 2020). Eventually, I was so behind on all the assignments that I decided to admit that I was struggling. I think it's important to not see it as giving up. Admitting that you need help or aren't very good at something can be very hard. Bart very kindly took me under his wings and asked me to join his documentary. He was doing it on a very personal topic but needed someone to conduct research to support his work. I quite like doing research so I was very happy with the job. I found him some news articles and went through government reports for him, highlighting all the relevant information. I will say, I still very much see it as Bart's documentary. Also because he is telling a personal story. I only helped him with the research for it.

I think the beautiful thing about Bart's documentary is that he opens up to all of us to simply tell his own story. His story is not representative of all adopted kids in the world of course, but he also doesn't try to do that. He just tells his own story, while also being aware of the other perspectives out there. The documentary shows multiple sides of a very complex and heavy subject and Bart is respectful of all sides too. His documentary gives to stuff to think about. What's good or bad isn't decided, things just are the way they are, with all the experiences that come with it. He gives you space to just let it all wash over you, you can think about it, take a little while and then form your own opinion. Bart's experience with adoption is not related to the government reports on adoption, but because he still involves it in his documentary you can see that the topic is way bigger than just Bart's story. And still, it's his documentary, his story. It's storytelling in such a beautiful and cool way. Everyone can learn and grow from it.

Another assignment that didn't go too well was the final paper for VMT3 (a history course I took for 'vakinhoudelijke onderwijseenheid'). The course itself went really well. Bas, our lecturer, uses the SALT method, where you basically have an assessment every week instead of at the end of a course. This way, you keep up with the theory learned. Most students start cramming right before an exam, but all that knowledge is very easily lost because of the forgetting curve. Students cram but they never get back to it (Van der Meijden, 2021). I did really well during the weekly oral assessments. I thoroughly enjoy history and I loved Bas' lectures, but VMT3 was only worth 4 EC's, so we had to end it with a final assignment to get to the 5 EC's that we needed. Bas gave us two options, we could either write about the SALT method or write a guide to revolution, using the French Revolution as your example. I chose the latter but my planning wasn't very good. Bas even gave me an extra week, but I wasn't able to finish it. I decided to let it go and hand in my unfinished work (appendix 28) because I had to move on. I'm not very proud of it, especially because I know I can do better and really wanted to do better. We haven't gotten our feedback yet, but Bas did tell us that we passed the oral assessments. I think for me this all adds to my learning journey, some (creative) processes go really well, some not so well. But it shows me that I need to work on my planning skills and my self-discipline.

Still, I think I did fairly well this year, and it also shows in the feedback I've received. A lot of student in TC1 wanted to give each other feedback so we decided it would be a good idea to create a platform where we could do this. I made a Padlet (appendix 29) for our year where we all could give each other feedback if we wanted to. Some students didn't really feel the need to join in this, but some really enjoyed the Padlet and found it quite helpful. I definitely enjoyed reading the feedback people wrote for me.

All in all, I think we've all grown a lot this year. With our creative process, our ability to communicate and collaborate, and just as humans in general. I'm proud of us.

🎵 Riptide - Vance Joy

#collaboration #creativity #communication

[magicpens]

KNOW THYSELF

By Johnny Bacala

Gender dysphoria is the feeling of discomfort or distress in people whose gender identity differs from their sex assigned at birth or sex-related physical characteristics. Transgender and gender-nonconforming people might experience gender dysphoria at some point in their lives. Gender dysphoria might start in childhood and continue into adolescence and adulthood (early-onset). Or, you might have periods in which you no longer experience gender dysphoria followed by a recurrence of gender dysphoria. You might also experience gender dysphoria around the time of puberty or much later in life (late-onset). Gender dysphoria can impair many aspects of life. Preoccupation with being of another gender than the one assigned often interferes with daily activities. 

People experiencing gender dysphoria might refuse to go to school due to pressure to dress in a way associated with their sexual orientation or out of fear of being harassed or teased. Gender dysphoria can also impair the ability to function at school or work, resulting in school dropout or unemployment. Relationship difficulties are common. Anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse, and other problems can occur. People who have gender dysphoria also often experience discrimination, resulting in minority stress. Access to health services and mental health services can be difficult due to fear of stigma and a lack of experienced providers. Adolescents and adults with gender dysphoria before gender reassignment might be at risk of suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and suicide. After gender reassignment, suicide risk might continue. (Mayo Clinic Staff)

I wasn't diagnosed with this, but I wanted to explain how it feels to have an identity crisis. It is a personal psychological conflict that occurs most often throughout adolescence. It entails a state of confusion in an institution or organization about its nature or goal. As well as confusion about social roles and often a sense of loss of continuity to personality. (Merriam-Dictionary) To begin with, I'd like to emphasize that being a member of the LGBT community is not simple. Before I completely comprehend the ramifications of being one, I have to go through challenges and sorrow.

It began while I was in elementary school. I'm not like the other lads my age when it comes to how I feel about myself. I am reserved and silent. My family thought I was just a good kid, but I've always felt like a spirit trapped in the wrong body.

Every time I see a girl dressed beautifully and applying makeup, I am awestruck. I wish I could put it on as well. My mother, however, claims that it is inappropriate for me because I am a guy. Maybe I merely adored them because of their attractiveness, but no—-because one day I came across my mothers' makeup and attempted it out of curiosity. It's amusing since, at my young age, I don't even know how to utilize it.

That night my mom was laughing so hard. However, she still chastised me and reminded me that it is not a toy to play with. Years have passed since then. When I first realized I was gay, I was in my early adolescence. I told my mother everything. I summoned all of my courage to come out to her. She grieved at first since I am the family's only boy. My entire family consists of sisters. But, over time, she gradually embraced me, to the point where she was the one who purchased me girly clothes. Even until my senior year, I continued to be homosexual and had experienced prior experiences with boys. When I met a certain girl, I developed a crush on her, so. I altered my appearance and my manner again. I used to think of myself as a bisexual, a person who is attracted to both sexes. 

As the story progressed, I made friends with transgender individuals, and my feelings and ideas as a female returned, so I attempted to imitate them. To become a lady, I use hormone replacement treatment (HRT). I tried it for months to observe how it affected me; I grew slimmer, a bump appeared on my chest, and my skin grew whiter. However, for some reason and for the third time, I changed. Pills were no longer in my life. I switch my clothes and style once more, and I'm back to being a gay man.

I even sobbed at night since I'm no longer sure what I am doing. I go with the flow, yet I'm missing something. It's as though something is missing from me. I'm still trying to find my stride. And because of this issue, it has an impact on my entire life. I struggled with anxiety, grew more self-conscious, sought approval, and found it difficult to accept who I am.  

I am currently pursuing a bachelor of arts in communication. I considered telling this event as one of our requirements. Because I want the rest of the world to know how I feel, I want them to realize how difficult it is to be LGBT. People may believe that being a part of the community is all about unicorns and rainbows, but this is not the case.

I know I shouldn't base my life on other people's opinions because we aren't born to satisfy them, but it is difficult to breathe in this circumstance. Now I'm attempting to improve. I'm gradually coming to terms with my situation and learning to go with the flow, living my life to the utmost. But I still have a gender identity dilemma. It was made easy by my supporting family and friends.

In terms of appearance, I just dressed according to my mood. I don't care what other people think as long as I'm pleased, I'm going for it. Because I believe that we should be delighted with life since it is tough to have a burden inside and look for things that make us happy because being contented implies feeling proud, and feeling proud indicates we accepted our fate.

So, as a person experiencing a gender identity crisis. I must keep fighting since this is only a war that I must win. I will not allow it to devour and conquer me because I know myself and am not a quitter. Trust the process. Yes, indeed.

#gender dysphoria #happy pride 🌈 #pride 2k21 #happy pride month #free the lgbtq

[sharifs]

Why Success Experts Aren't Always Successful Themselves

Have you ever noticed that the most successful people, though potentially quite knowledgable, are not always necessarily the ones that know the most? Also likewise those that seem to know everything about success aren’t necessarily the most successful themselves? This has all to do with self-awareness and how small differences can make huge changes in outcome.

Handling Self-Awareness

Anyone who has been interested in any form of success will come across the importance of self-awareness. Even outside of business wealth such as good family relationships, your personal health and overall fulfillment with your life purpose as well as all other forms of success as well all revolve around you knowing better who you are, what you want and what you need to get there. However though most, who are concerned about improving and achieving better results in their life may not handle the central aspect of self-awareness in the best way due to many factors, and these explain while even those who understand very well the importance of self-awareness and can have the most knowledge in the world about success won’t necessarily be successful themselves because they are not always improving who they really are in consideration of who they really are, even if they want to improve and know that self-awareness is important.

Often in self-help and other forms of psychological, emotional or physical training we talk about “increased self-awareness” or that some may conclude that the goal or process is to “increase self-awareness.” However I think this generic term, though you may consider me nitpicking over terminology as it should not make such a great difference, I will attempt to state my case as to why the changing of only one word, a small difference can massively affect the outcome. The word “increase” though it could be associated with progress or a positive goal is in itself not signifying improvement in a qualitative way but instead itself suggesting a quantitative change without really a definition of whether it is good or not. Changing the word “increase” to “improve” then would then signify a more important goal. Though the word “increase” could imply improvements taking place such as an increase in aptitude, wisdom or strength but is not explicitly stated, whereas literally making the mission to improve the potential for it meaning anything else is removed. You may not be immediately aware of an example where this matters, where it makes a difference where increasing self-awareness is not as effective as improving self-awareness, what that even means and why that is so I will make an example.

If you were to have such a large amount of self-awareness that you know every little thing that has happened in your life, every single day of your life, every single event, no matter how minor and every detailed aspect about yourself down to the last cell and molecule it could potentially fill up an entire library’s worth of books, but how much of that information is actually useful to you? Chances are only a small fraction or tiny percent of all that there is to possibly know about you is actually important for you to focus on, and that is why even just one word can make a difference, ensuring that the vision is positive not just quantifiably but qualifying for a sustainable direction over the long run as compared to a race for accumulating the most of something for the sake of increasing the amount that you have it in itself. Of course you could easily relate this back to money as it closely relates, but this article is about success in general, not in only one way so I want to emphasize how this applies to every facet of life just as well. Just like money, if you only accumulate it but never make any meaningful investments with it, the risks and sacrifices you made to accumulate it could end up in vain, this works for everything else in your world too.

If you only focus on losing weight but end up anorexic that defeats the whole purpose of being in good health. If you only focus on being famous but then you can never have a moment to yourself, you defeat the purpose of being happy. If you only focus on obtaining power and become a leader that everyone hates you defeat the purpose of improving the situation. As you can see, it’s not just knowing what is the central issue and then implementing a quantitative approach, simply assuming that more, bigger, larger and more massive is always better, but rather applying a qualitative approach constantly doing your best to know better what you really want to achieve in the first place, the actual situation and how to handle it towards that vision that really matters.

This means with instead of loss of weight being the focus, it becomes what amount of weight needs to be lost, what kind of weight is good weight or bad weight, such as the weight of muscle, fat or other materials in the body, what kinds of nutrition to keep your body in the best shape and so on, a constantly improving approach rather than one that is looking for a final conclusion, one that is constantly looking to know better in relation to itself and the surrounding situation. Instead of focusing on fame, focusing on attracting and developing close relationships with the right people, learning who you work best with, what kind of person can compliment you, how you can better build and maintain the right relationships, how you can smoothly mend relationship problems or prevent bad situations as a result of associating too much with the wrong parties and so on, once again it becomes more about focusing on the overall discipline of the matter rather than solely on its byproducts. Finally as in the third example not directly about money, instead of focusing on only increasing power, one would focus on what the actual issues are in the world and what are real and effective ways to deal with them regardless of what most people do or don’t do with instead the priority on what works to actually achieve the outcome of a better world, this way you are once again forced to focus on changing yourself to continuously be a better person who is better aware of his or her world and therefore able to improve every environment no matter where present by being a good person influencing the surroundings.

As you can see this principle applies to every aspect of life and money is no different. By only focusing on increasing the amount of your money you might not be concerned by how you do so, and may then apply any means no matter what the consequences. Thus you may have all the money in the world but nothing else which defeats the whole reason one could want money which is an increase in facility. By shifting the focus to what you want money for in the first place, which would be to increase the ease at which you can own, create or access anything, then you start to realize all the different tools at your disposal from your connections and resources to your intelligence and skills all the way to your unique style and presentation you cannot only accumulate, negotiate and guarantee yourself a lot of money, but pretty much anything! This is much more important than knowing only how to achieve success in one regard because no two people are alike nor are any two situations exactly the same, so what may be important to one person’s own happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction may be completely unimportant for another. That is why it is not as important to know everything about yourself as it is to know what is most important to you.

The better you get at knowing who you are, the better you get at knowing what’s important to you, and the better you get at knowing that the better you can determine how to achieve it based on your situation. If you only know about yourself in every little detail, rather than focusing on who you really are at the core, what happens is you gather a huge amount of data about yourself without any rhyme or reason though you may have a vague idea of self-awareness. The judgement required however to determine within that information about yourself what is of concern is then lost without that vision or direction towards continual amelioration. Without caring about the quality of your assessment and only the quantity of how much you’re covering, you lose touch of what you should focus on.

Therefore prioritizing improvement through your self-awareness then is less concerned with knowing everything to do with you and more concerned about finding out what is most relevant to who you want to ultimately be in the long run, not just so that you’re able to track who you’ve been so that it can be known but instead finding out who you can become to know better rather than only more. This is more helpful for others since knowing better what is the point will always be more beneficial than knowing who discovered it or how. Just like it is more important to know how to read or write than it is to know who was the first person to ever do it, as that does not change our ability to do it nor is it something that we can ever control. By shifting your entire mindset down to the most finite thing from the deepest place possible you can over the entire scope of everything possible in your life to be towards constantly better outcomes for everyone, you will realize that you have to focus on improving yourself in every way possible in order for you to be qualified to achieve such results. With that in mind the path and focus then is no longer on the specific situation you may think you want to find yourself in but rather your own ability to be better yourself thus forcing the situation to be improved as well by your existing in it. This means the better you yourself get the better you can handle your situation and others, and the better the results. By not assuming you know the best possible outcomes in advance and instead focus on improving your awareness of what is truly good to you in the first place, you ensure that you are not concerned with receiving the greatest reward but instead the reward becomes better integrity leading towards better communications resulting in the better conditions for everybody.

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