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10 Ways People Self-Sabotage
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What does self-sabotage mean ?
In today's blog post I am explaining in detail on how behavioral self-destructions keep you far away from your goals and from living a fulfilled life.
For example , you want to finish your given task but all you do is keep procrastinating . Or you are always late, because you kept hitting the snooze button. You know what I mean ? We all been there and probably still keep doing it. This and more leads to self-sabotage and a life of mediocrity . One of the key reasons people self-sabotage is a lack of self-esteem. These thoughts and feelings cause negative self-talk, which fuels your fears. This #blogpost is for you when you are tired of the same ole pattern. This post is for you when you're ready to change the outcome of your life. Now here's a quick overview of 10 ways people self-sabotage :
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1. Imposter Syndrome
Thinking that you're not good enough to do something. That's not true ! Do you hear me ? You're enough. You're capable of doing something great. Don't let comparison be the thief of your joy.
2. Always being late
Poor time management shows everyone the type of person you are... You don't take others including yourself seriously. Wow, this one hit home for me : You don't value the one thing you and I care the most about, TIME .
3. The forever pessimist
You always believe things will never work out. That's actually not you, but your fears does the talking. And don't get me wrong, being sceptic about something or expecting nothing is okay to a certain degree. But when you surround yourself in negativity you will drown and get lost . Don't punish yourself for things you can't control. Find joy in the little things in life and allow yourself to be happy. Everything else filled with negativity , cut it off !
4. Poor prioritization skills
Often people don't know the difference between what's important and not. Your social media tabs are open and keep notifying you who posted a new picture while you're trying to do your homework . One thing for sure, you will get distracted and your thought process is constantly being interrupted . You will not achieve great results. You lack resilience : Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard . Persistence and resilience are one of the biggest differentiators in pushing through difficult times.
5. Being scared to go out of your #comfortzone
This behavioral pattern has people sacrificing things that are good for them in exchange of mediocrity . The challenge is meant to be hard, because that's how you become strong. Old ways won't open new doors !
You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone
6. Procrastinating
Oh well , the one friend your parents knew will baldy influence your character and we didn't want to listen. I don't have to say much about this one. Procrastination is by far everyones favorite form of self-sabotage, laziness. Tricking your mind and body to do the important work, or writing your important tasks down to include the good habit in your daily routine, are examples to fight this giant.
7. It's never enough
Example : You always dreamt about getting a bigger house, now that you own it it's not enough. Suddenly the backyard is too small. You move, but one thing is not perfect in your eyes again, the neighborhood . The problem is not others or the things around you , YOUR PERSPECTIVE on life is the problem. The ingredients changed but the result stayed the same. Gratitude turns what we have into, enough. It is powerful for your inner happiness. Your happiness does not depend on others or material things, neither your mind. Gratitude is stored in your own heart. Practice it and your perspective on life will change. The things you thought were important become minuscule .
8. Lack of emotional intelligence
If a person leaves his thinking to his emotions, it makes him blind to everything else. These emotional circuits lead to the fact that people do not reflect, but react. Different emotional perspective is the reason why people argue. Uncontrollable situation may occur in life like the loss of a person. It's okay to weep but don't suffocate in it that leads to depression or hurting yourself. The root of this problem is probably in your childhood. The time of self-sabotage is over ! Take back the wheel , you got this !
9. Staying in toxic relationships
You didn't stay because of the children or because you grew up with them. The hidden truth is that you accepted misery as your destiny. You've never learned to say NO. Don't feel guilty to remove toxic people from your life. By that you are a step closer in loving yourself.
10. Trying to keep with everybody just for appearance
Don't follow every trend out there. Trends are ways to get you to buy things you don't need under the pretense that it will make you feel happy and accepted. Your self-esteem does not depend on trends or validation of others. You are not a passing phase, focus more on longevity . Unplug yourself from insecurity and seek the true meaning of YOU.
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'I Hate Myself': 8 Ways to Combat Self-Hatred
By Arlin Cuncic | Updated on August 21, 2021
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Do you often have the thought, "I hate myself"? If you are filled with feelings of self-hatred, you know how frustrating they can be. Not only does self-hatred limit what you can achieve in life, but it also worsens mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
In order to get over feelings of self-hatred, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms, understand the underlying causes and triggers, realize the powerful effects it has on your life, and finally, make a plan to get over those feelings of self-hatred and develop healthy coping skills to feel better.
Signs of Self-Hatred
Below are some of the tell-tale signs that you might be living with self-hatred, beyond having occasional negative self-talk.
All-or-nothing thinking: You see yourself and your life as either good or bad, without any shades of gray in between. If you make a mistake, you feel as though everything is ruined or that you're a failure.
Focus on the negative: Even if you have a good day, you tend to focus on the bad things that happened or what went wrong instead.
Emotional reasoning: You take your feelings as facts. If you notice that you are feeling bad or like a failure, then you assume that your feelings must reflect the truth of the situation and that you are, in fact, bad.
Low self-esteem: You generally have low self-esteem and don’t feel as though you measure up when comparing yourself to others in daily life.
Seeking approval: You are constantly seeking outside approval from others to validate your self-worth. Your opinion of yourself changes depending on how others evaluate you or what they think of you.
Can’t accept compliments: If someone says something good about you, you discount what was said or think that they are just being nice. You have trouble accepting compliments and tend to brush them off instead of graciously accepting them.
Trying to fit in: You find that you always feel like an outsider and are always trying to fit in with others. You feel as though people dislike you and can’t understand why they would want to spend time with you or actually like you.
Taking criticism personally: You have a hard time when someone offers criticism, and tend to take it as a personal attack or think about it long after the fact.
Often feeling jealous: You find yourself jealous of others and may cut them down in order to make yourself feel better about your situation in life.
Fearful of positive connections: You may push away friends or potential partners out of fear when someone gets too close, and believe that it will end badly or you will end up alone.
Throwing pity parties for yourself: You have a tendency to throw pity parties for yourself and feel as though you have been dealt a bad lot in life, or that everything is stacked against you.
Afraid to dream big: You are afraid to have dreams and aspirations and feel as though you need to continue to live your life in a protected way. You may be afraid of failure, afraid of success, or look down on yourself regardless of what you achieve.
Hard on yourself: If you make a mistake, you have a very hard time forgiving yourself. You may also have regrets about things you have done in the past or failed to do. You may have trouble letting go and moving past mistakes.
Cynical viewpoint: You see the world in a very cynical way and hate the world that you live in. You feel as though people with a positive outlook are naive about the way that the world really works. You don’t see things getting any better and have a very bleak outlook on life.
Causes of Self-Hatred
If those signs sounded all too familiar, you're probably wondering why you hate yourself and how you ended up here. You might not immediately know the answers to these questions, so it’s important to take some time to reflect. Below are some possible causes to consider.
It's important to remember that not everyone who experiences self-hatred will have had the same life experiences. There is no singular path that leads to thinking, "I hate myself." Consider your unique circumstances and what might have brought you to this point.
Negative Inner Critic
If you are thinking "I hate myself," chances are that you have a negative inner critic who constantly puts you down.
This critical voice might compare you to others or tell you that you are not good enough.
You might feel as though you are different from other people and that you don’t measure up. These thoughts may leave you feeling like an outcast or a fraud when you are with other people.
The inner critic is like a frenemy who is intent on undermining your success. This voice in your head is filled with self-hate, and can also evolve into paranoia and suspiciousness if you listen long enough. The inner critic doesn’t want you to experience success, so it will even cut you down when you do accomplish something good.
The following are some things your inner critic might say:
"Who do you think you are to do that?"
"You are never going to succeed no matter how hard you try."
"You’re going to mess this up just like you mess up everything else."
"Why would a person like that like you? There must be an ulterior motive."
"You can’t trust anyone. They are just going to let you down."
"You might as well eat that dessert. You’re just going to end up eating too much anyway."
If you have a voice in your head like this, you might come to believe that these types of critical thoughts are the truth. If the voice tells you that you are worthless, stupid, or unattractive, you might eventually come to believe those things. And with those thoughts, comes the belief that you aren’t worthy of love, success, confidence, or the chance to make mistakes.
The more you listen to that critical inner voice, the more power you give to it. In addition, you might eventually start to project your own insecurities onto other people, leaving you paranoid, suspicious, and unable to accept love and kindness. If this sounds like you, then chances are that you have been listening to your negative inner critic for far too long.
Where does that negative inner critic come from? It isn’t likely that you developed that voice in your head all by yourself. Rather, most often, the negative inner critic arises from past negative life experiences. These could be childhood experiences with your parents, bullying from peers, or even the outcome of a bad relationship.
Childhood Experiences
Did you grow up with parents who were critical of you? Or did you have a parent who seemed to be stressed, angry, or tense, and who made you feel as though you needed to walk on eggshells?
If so, you may have learned to be quiet and fade into the background. Childhood experiences or trauma such as abuse, neglect, being over-controlled, or being criticized can all lead to the development of a negative inner voice.
Bad Relationships
Not all critical inner voices begin during childhood. If you were in a relationship or friendship with someone who engaged in the same types of behaviors, the experience could also have created a negative inner voice.
This could even include a work relationship with a co-worker or supervisor with a tendency to put you down or make you feel inferior. Any type of relationship has the potential to set a negative tone in your mind and create a negative inner voice that's hard to shake.
Bullying
Were you the victim of bullying in school, at work, or in another relationship? Even transient relationships with people can create lasting memories that impact your self-concept and affect your self-esteem.
If you find yourself having flashback memories of seemingly insignificant events with bullies from your past or present, it could be that the experience has had a long-lasting effect on your mind. If your negative inner voice replays the words of your real-life bullies, you have some deeper work to do to release those thoughts rather than internalize them.
Traumatic Events
Have you experienced any traumatic life events like a car accident, physical attack, or significant loss? If so, the loss might leave you wondering, "why me?" which can evolve into feelings of shame or regret, particularly if you feel you were somehow at fault.
Environmental Triggers
Long after original events, you might find yourself being triggered by things that happen in your daily life. For example, a new co-worker might remind you of a past bad experience at work, or a new friend might trigger an unpleasant memory from your childhood.
If you find yourself having an emotional reaction to a situation that seems out of proportion to what has happened, you may need to do more work to uncover the things that are holding you back. Many find this process is made easier with the help of a therapist or other mental health professional.
Negative Self-Concept
Do you have a negative self-concept, poor self-image, or low self-esteem? When you have thoughts of self-hatred, small problems can be magnified into much larger ones. You may feel as though the bad things that happen are a reflection of your own inherent "badness."
For example, you're at a party and you tell a joke that falls flat. Instead of rolling with the punches and moving on, your negative self-concept might induce a spiral into negative thoughts such as "everyone hates me" and "I’ll never be able to make any friends."
Mental Health Conditions
A feeling of self-hatred could also be the result of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Depression, for example, can cause symptoms such as hopelessness, guilt, and shame, which can make you feel as though you are not good enough. Unfortunately, the nature of depression also means that you are unable to see through this cognitive bias to recognize that it is your depression that is making you think this way.
The more that your condition influences your thoughts, the more likely it is that you will start to see this negative view of yourself as your reality. This can leave you feeling as though you are not worthy and do not belong. You may feel isolated and different from everyone else.
Outcomes of Self-Hatred
Beyond the causes of self-hatred, it’s important to understand the outcomes that can result when your thoughts continually reinforce that self-hatred. Below are some potential outcomes:
You might stop trying to do things because you feel they will only end badly.
You might engage in self-destructive behavior such as using substances, eating too much, or isolating yourself.
You might sabotage your own efforts or fail to take care of yourself.
You might unknowingly choose people who are bad for you or who will take advantage of you, such as toxic friends or partners.
You may struggle with low self-confidence and low self-esteem.
You might have trouble making decisions and feel as though you need others to guide you when you become paralyzed in indecision.
You might have a perfectionist tendency and struggle to get things done.
You might excessively worry about daily problems or your future.
You find it hard to believe good things about yourself and feel like others are just being nice or manipulative when they compliment you.
You might not be able to go after your goals and dreams and feel held back.
You may doubt your abilities and what you can accomplish.
You might view the future as being very bleak and have no positive expectations.
You may feel as though you don’t belong anywhere and that you are an outcast and disconnected from the world around you.
Many of the outcomes of self-hatred are similar to the signs of self-hatred. In this way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy from which you cannot easily escape. As long as you stay in this cycle of self-hatred, you’ll never move forward. But with help, you can break the cycle.
If you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
How to Combat Self-Hatred
If you are looking to get over self-hatred, there are a number of things you can do to break the cycle. Above all else, remember that you are not to blame for how you feel, but you are responsible from this day forward for the actions that you take toward making positive changes.
Try Journaling
Keep a journal to reflect on your day and how you felt about what happened. Reflect on the events of the day, examine situations that may have triggered certain emotions, and be mindful of the root causes of any feelings of self-hatred.
As you journal each day, look for patterns and aim to become more aware of how your emotions shift. Research shows that expressive writing such as journaling can help to reduce psychological distress.
Talk Back to Your Inner Critic
As you start to become more aware of your emotions and their triggers, try to identify the thoughts that you have when faced with negative events. Ask yourself questions about whether your thoughts are realistic, or whether you are engaging in thought distortions.
Try standing up to your inner bully by countering that inner voice with arguments to the contrary. If you find it hard to build up a strong voice on your own, imagine yourself taking on the role of a stronger person you know—such as a friend, famous person, or superhero—and talking back to the critical voice in your head.
Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of hating yourself, practice showing yourself compassion. This means looking at situations in a different light, seeing the good things that you have accomplished, and ending black-or-white thinking. What would you say to a friend or loved one who was having similar thoughts about themselves?
Was that one bad thing that happened really the end of the world? Could you reframe the situation to see it as a setback instead of a catastrophe? When you can be kinder to yourself, you’ll open yourself up to more positive feelings and a positive inner voice. Research shows that compassion-focused therapy can improve self-esteem, which could be helpful to reduce self-hatred.
Spend Time With Positive People
Instead of hanging out with people who make you feel bad, start hanging out with people who make you feel good. If you don’t have any positive people your everyday life, consider joining a support group. If you aren’t sure where to find one, the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a good place to start, regardless of what type of mental health issues you might be facing.
Practice Meditation
If you find it hard to slow down and detach yourself from your negative thinking, try starting a regular meditation practice. Engaging in meditation is a way to shut off the negative voice in your head. It’s also like a muscle; the more that you practice, the easier that it will be to quiet your mind and let go of negative thoughts.
See a Therapist
If you are struggling with your mental health, you might benefit from seeing a therapist. While it’s possible to shift your mindset on your own, a therapist can help you deal with past trauma more quickly and guide you to more helpful thinking patterns.
Take Care of Yourself
Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors, engage in self-care. This approach means taking care of your physical and mental health by doing all the things that will keep you feeling good. Eat healthy food, get regular exercise, get enough sleep, reduce social media and screen time, spend time in nature, and talk kindly to yourself, to name a few examples.
Move Toward Living the Life You Want
The antidote to feeling bad all the time might be to start taking small steps toward what you want in life. That might mean finding a new career path, traveling, getting out of debt, ending a relationship, starting a family, or moving far away. Determine your values and then start acting in accordance with them. Once you start to align with your values, it will be easier to feel confident in yourself.
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Self-Deprecation: Harmless Habit or Unhealthy Behavior?
By Elizabeth Plumptre | Updated on June 23, 2021
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In everyday discussions or quiet conversations by ourselves, there’s a high chance that we employ language that belittles our accomplishments.
Declarations like "Oh, it’s no big deal, anyone could have done it," or "I'm such an idiot" are commonly associated with self-deprecation because these kinds of statements contain a negative self-evaluation.
Self-deprecating statements tend to play us down to peers, loved ones, and colleagues, but for what purpose? This article discusses why we engage in acts that appear to be self-sabotaging and how self-deprecation affects our well-being.
Why Do We Adopt Self-Deprecation?
When interacting with people, conceitedness is, understandably, one of the very last impressions you want to leave behind. To avoid this, there is a tendency to go in the other direction and downplay your positive attributes or even insult yourself to appear humble.
Speaking in this manner is usually to ensure that there is no assumption of ego. People also do this to appear more agreeable.
Researchers1have realized that we adopt self-deprecation in an attempt to appear more modest or to optimize our statements for a suitable reaction from whomever we may be speaking to. For influential and highly-placed people, this form of communication is often cleverly disguised to appear more down-to-earth and to win support.
If you are a recent winner of a competition or challenge, don’t be surprised when you find yourself using language like "I don’t deserve this" or "there were better participants than me" as a form of compensation to less-lucky participants.
Analysts have also found that to make your present self appear more likable, an easy way to do so is to throw digs at your past self to produce laughs or a deeper form of understanding from your audience.
However, while self-deprecation is often associated with humility, there is a chance that it could promote self-sabotage—an outcome not too many people aim for.
Signs of Self-Deprecation
Let's take a look at some common indicators of self-deprecating language and behavior.
You Can’t Take a Compliment
Whether it’s a comment on how great your shoes look or praise for appearing well-rested on a Monday morning—self-deprecation will often produce responses that explain how old your shoes are or trump up how scary you look under all of your makeup.
To avoid appearing conceited, self-deprecation will often cause a swift rebuttal to different forms of flattery.
You Instinctively Downplay Yourself
In certain situations, self-deprecation becomes almost second nature. It doesn’t matter if everyone is aware of how much sleep you lost working on a presentation or how much effort you put into editing your first TikTok video. The moment you receive any praise for it, the kneejerk reaction is to downplay your efforts.
You Believe Promoting Yourself Will Make You Disagreeable
There are cases where you are completely aware of how impressive your skills and accomplishments are. However, acknowledging them, especially to strangers or peers, leaves you with the fear that they might consider you pompous or insufferable.
To avoid that, you may make jokes about the importance of your work or downplay it to appear less impactful.
Impact of Self-Deprecation
Constantly making yourself the butt of jokes or downplaying the work you do may seem effective for producing laughs and appearing more down-to-earth. However, this practice of undermining your authority, picking others over yourself, and staying silent over your achievements can have unwanted consequences, not just to yourself but to others that may relate with you.
The impact of constant self-deprecation may manifest in different ways:
Your Self-Esteem Is Affected
Self-deprecation may be intended to encourage others to feel comfortable, but the reverse may be the case for the person who frequently engages in this act. Being the regular butt of jokes and constantly putting oneself down in front of others can become internalized attacks. Where this happens, self-esteem and self-perception may suffer.
You Begin to Feel Depressed and Anxious
Imagine telling your friend that their accomplishments aren’t that big of a deal or that they’re not as intelligent as everyone else.
Take it a step further and make a habit of doing this in front of their colleagues, friends, and other peers, and you’re certain to cause some damage to their mental health. Doing that to yourself is likely to produce the same effect.
By constantly giving yourself this treatment, your mental health is at risk of being affected. In particular, engaging in self-deprecating humor has been linked to serious conditions like depression and anxiety.
You Begin to Feel Less Optimistic
When your default position minimizes valid feelings and accomplishments, it may be difficult to find the excitement in embarking on a new project or celebrating its completion.
Through self-deprecation, joy can be zapped out of every opportunity—major or minor, that comes your way. This act is known to cause a depreciation in optimism in people who practice it.
Likewise, others that are on the receiving end of your personal attacks may find it difficult to share in your humor and may feel discomfort when relating with you.
How to Maintain a Healthy Balance
Self-deprecation may have some benefit when it comes to breaking the ice in uncomfortable discussions or appearing more relatable to others. But while it is a useful conversation opener, this form of communication may pose more harm than good when it comes to your health and well-being.
This is why finding the sweet spot between the humility you crave, and the self-confidence you deserve is crucial in your dealings with others and yourself.
This balance may be achieved by using the following methods outlined below.
Accepting Compliments
The next time someone lets you know how great you look in the morning or how fantastic your work project turned out, try saying a simple "thank you." Accepting praise, especially where deserved, is a trait you should get comfortable with.
Understandably, it may be a big change for you. But letting yourself get used to applause, flattery, and commendations is necessary to break the cycle of constantly putting yourself down. This change will be a certified step in the right direction for your happiness and well-being.
Keep a Journal
To get a handle on your acts of self-deprecation, it may be advisable to keep a journal detailing the interaction that led to you putting yourself down. For example, jotting down the negative thoughts that followed a compliment, praise, or otherwise harmless conversation can keep you aware of the changes necessary to be made in your thinking and speech when describing yourself to others.
This act may also be useful in noting your assumptions of yourself.
Make the Decision to Be Positive
To properly balance out self-deprecating behavior, it’s important to think and speak more positively about yourself. Just as self-deprecation becomes close to second nature in your interactions, cultivate a culture where you view and communicate with yourself positively and constructively.
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Self-Sabotage: Why You Do It and How to Stop for Good
By Nick Wignall | June 7, 2020
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Self-sabotage can seem mysterious and complicated, but it doesn’t have to be.
As a psychologist and therapist, it’s something I help my clients work through every day.
In this guide, we’ll walk step-by-step through how to think about self-sabotaging behavior and what to do about it.
You’ll learn:
A simple definition of self-sabotage
The origins and causes of self-sabotage
Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors
A step-by-step plan for correcting any form of self-sabotage in your life
Okay, let’s dive in!
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is one of those terms you hear thrown around a lot, but understanding what people actually mean by it is tricky—in part because a lot of people don’t really know what it means!
Some people use it judgmentally, as a form of criticism for someone they perceive as lazy or weak.
Some people use it to sound smart when they don’t actually know what they’re talking about.
Still others talk about in a way that’s so general and vague that it’s essentially meaningless.
In the rest of this section, I’ll give you a concrete definition of what self-sabotage is. Then we’ll look at some specific examples of what it looks like in real life and where it comes from.
Self-Sabotage: A Simple Definition
Here’s the best, most useful definition for self-sabotage I’ve found:
Self-sabotage is when you undermine your own goals and values.
In other words, you acknowledge that there’s something out there you genuinely want and believe is good for you (e.g. keeping off those 20 pounds you just lost), but then you do things that directly conflict with that goal (e.g. late-night fast-food runs).
Importantly, self-sabotaging behaviors can be both conscious or unconscious depending on how aware you are of them:
Conscious self-sabotage is when you are aware of the fact that what you’re doing is undermining one of your goals or values. E.g.: Remembering that you need to pick weeds in the backyard but deciding to play video games instead.
Unconscious self-sabotage is when you do something that undermines a goal or value but you don’t realize it until after the fact. E.g.: People with a strong fear of failure in their jobs often develop the unconscious habit of showing up late or doing sloppy work as a way to avoid promotions or increased responsibility which would lead to higher expectations and therefore a higher chance of failure.
Of course, there are endless ways we all fall into self-sabotage. So before we move on to understanding what causes it and what to do about it, let’s take a look at some practical examples of what self-sabotage might look like in your own life.
Examples of Self-Sabotage
Everybody engages in self-sabotage from time to time.
For some people, it’s an occasional thing with relatively minor consequences. But for others, it’s a chronic pattern that leads to major problems in their life, work, and relationships.
Here are a few of the most common forms of self-sabotage:
Procrastination. We all procrastinate from time to time: putting off going to the gym for another episode on Netflix; delaying writing that report to clean our office; rescheduling that dentist’s appointment yet again. Procrastination is one of the most universal forms of self-sabotage because it is, by definition, delaying something even though we know it would be better not to.
Chronic Worry. People get stuck in the habit of chronic worry because it temporarily gives them the illusion of control and certainty. When you’re feeling helpless or uncertain, worrying briefly makes it feel like you can do something. But in the long-run, it’s never productive and leads to high levels of anxiety. If you want to break the cycle of chronic worry and anxiety, here’s a good place to start: 5 Quick Ways to Feel Less Anxious
Substance Abuse. Alcohol and drug abuse is a common form of self-sabotage because, despite the short term benefits, consistent abuse of drugs and alcohol almost always interferes with our long-term goals and values. For example: those two or three beers as soon as you get home from work make it harder to be present with your kids and spouse.
Chronic Lateness. When people are consistently late to things, it’s often a sign that they are self-sabotaging. For instance, always showing up late to social events might help you avoid some anxiety about having to socialize too intimately with people before the event really gets going, but in the long run, it erodes your relationships and leads to lack of trust and respect with friends and family members.
Stress Eating. Many people turn to food as a way to deal with stress and anxiety in their lives because it temporarily makes them feel good and distracts from their pain. But they know in the long run it’s sabotaging important values like maintaining a healthy diet or being physically fit.
Intimacy and Commitment Issues. Many people find themselves in the habit of intentionally abandoning or ruining otherwise healthy friendships and romantic partnerships. Often, these people have a difficult time with emotional vulnerability and are afraid of getting hurt. Even though it hurts their long-term value of cultivating meaningful relationships, they end up sabotaging these same relationships as a form of anxiety relief.
Of course, there are many more examples of self-sabotage, but these are some of the most common.
But remember, all of these things are normal and not signs of a major issue necessarily. We all procrastinate from time to time, for example. Just like we all use food or other substances for emotional—rather than strictly nutritional—reasons occasionally.
However, when these things become consistent patterns with significant negative effects, that’s when it’s worth looking at more carefully.
Where self-sabotaging behavior comes from
Just like self-sabotage can take an almost infinite variety of forms, there are many, many ways that it develops and takes root.
It’s important to understand this:
There’s no one reason why self-sabotage happens.
And looking for a simple answer is often a sign that you don’t fully understand what self-sabotage really is and what it takes to work through it.
For example, in my clinical practice, I’ve been working with two different clients who both struggle with the same form of self-sabotage: They consistently get into romantic relationships with people they don’t respect because it makes them feel better about themselves.
It’s self-sabotage because the way they’ve learned to fill their need for confidence and self-esteem is by fostering relationships that don’t really work but make them feel superior and confident. Obviously, this gets in the way of their long-term goal of having a healthy romantic relationship, but they keep falling into it because self-esteem is so low and they don’t have a better way of addressing it.
I bring these two clients up as examples because they each developed an almost identical pattern of self-sabotaging behavior in very different ways:
Modeling. In my work with the first client, we traced his habit of self-sabotage back to early modeling from his parents. Essentially, his dad struggled with the same lack of confidence and self-esteem and addressed it by being hypercritical of my client’s mother and eventually other girlfriends and wives. Because this was what my client saw all the time growing up, it was his model for how relationships work and how self-esteem works.
Power. My second client, however, had parents with a very healthy relationship. And as a kid, this client had normal levels of confidence and self-esteem. But in college, after she experienced a terrible instance of sexual abuse, the way she coped with her insecurities and fears in relationships was to get into relationships with men who were “beneath her” so she could feel more secure and powerful.
The behaviors and results are the same but they come from entirely different origins.
Of course, this isn’t to say that there are no common patterns when it comes to what causes self-sabotage.
In fact, there is one common theme I see over and over again with people who have developed major issues with self-sabotage:
People who chronically self-sabotage learned at some point that it ‘works’ very well.
I put works in quotations because it works in a short-term sense but usually has the opposite effect in the long-run.
Here are a few examples:
As a child, you learned to always catastrophize and plan for the worst because it was the only way you knew how to deal with your alcoholic and abusive parent.
As a teenager, you learned to procrastinate on your work because you were smart enough to do fine without much studying anyway.
Once you got married, you learned that pointing out flaws in your spouse’s behavior made you feel better about yourself—for a time, anyway.
The fact that self-sabotage ‘works’ on some level—or at least it did at some point—is absolutely fundamental and is the starting off point for changing your self-sabotaging behaviors for good.
Before you can undo an unhealthy behavior, you have to understand the function it serves.
How to Stop Self-Sabotage for Good: A 5-Step Plan
If you want to stop self-sabotaging, the key is to understand why you’re doing—what need it’s filling. Then get creative about identifying healthier, less destructive ways to get that need met.
Here’s a straightforward way to identify your self-sabotaging behaviors and start fixing them for good:
1. Understand the need your self-sabotage fills
Most people who try to stop self-sabotaging make the mistake of approaching it with a “getting tough on myself” attitude. They tell themselves that this is the time they’re finally going to get their sh!t together and stop all this nonsense.
But being “tough” on yourself is itself a form of self-sabotage because, while it feels good in the moment, it usually leads you to miss the most important first step in overcoming self-sabotage: understanding what need the self-sabotaging behavior feeds. And you can’t do that without some self-compassion.
Before you get tough on yourself and commit to changing, get compassionate with yourself and commit to understanding.
In order to recognize that your self-sabotage is serving a purpose, you have to be able to suspend judgment about the ultimate negative consequences of the behavior, and be understanding enough to see that it is serving a function that, at least in a limited sense, makes sense!
Here are some examples:
If you want to stop abusing alcohol, you need to compassionately understand that alcohol “works” to alleviate your stress after work.
If you want to stop stress eating, you need to compassionately see how stress eating “works” to make you feel less lonely in your unhappy marriage.
If you want to stop procrastinating, you need to compassionately understand that procrastinating helps you avoid fear of failure (or fear of success).
It’s only when you understand the need your self-sabotage is filling that you will be able to cultivate alternative behaviors to fill that need. And it’s only when you get that need met in another way that you’ll be able to give up the self-sabotage for good.
2. Identify alternative healthy behaviors that fill that need
Once you’ve got a clear understanding of what need your self-sabotage fills, the next step is to generate ideas for alternative behaviors that address the need but in a way that doesn’t also hurt you.
Often, just getting clarity on what the underlying need is will be enough to trigger ideas for alternative behaviors. But sometimes it takes a little more discovery and research…
One of the best ways to develop alternative behaviors for your self-sabotage is to study other people like you.
First, come up with a shortlist of other people you know with similar circumstances. For example, if binge eating junk food as a way to alleviate work stress is the behavior you’d like to find an alternative to, make a list of other people you know with high-stress jobs.
Next, reach out and do some research. Ask them how they handle the stresses of work. Collect all these ideas you find in a list.
Finally, after you’ve done research with at least a few people and generated a list of possible alternatives, find the two or three that seem like a good fit for you and try them out. Experiment with one for a week or two and see how it goes. If it seems to help, double down on it. If it doesn’t seem all that helpful, go down the list and try the next one.
3. Anticipate and plan for obstacles
Even if you’ve identified the underlying need and a healthier set of behaviors to address it, you still need to anticipate potential obstacles to using those new behaviors.
If your alternative behavior to stress eating after work is to have a small healthy snack instead of binging on junk food, what might get in the way of that new behavior?
What if you don’t have enough of the healthy snack stocked up in your house?
What if you go out for drinks with coworkers one evening instead of going home?
What if your spouse just took out a tray of freshly baked cookies the minute you walk through the door?
It’s easy to stick to new behaviors and good intentions when the conditions are just right. But if you want to eliminate self-sabotage for good, you also need a plan for when times are hard.
Here are some examples of anticipating obstacles and developing a plan for addressing them:
If you want to make sure you choose healthy snacks after work instead of junk food, set a recurring order of almonds (or whatever…) from Amazon so you know you’ll always have some healthy snacks at home.
If you want to call a friend to address feelings of loneliness instead of drinking, make sure you have a list of two or three friends you can call in case one doesn’t answer.
If you want to take a break and go for a walk for 20 minutes to address a difficulty with procrastination instead of playing video games for 3 hours, get rid of games on your phone or don’t work in a place where you have easy access to video games (e.g. go to the coffee shop instead of working from your home office).
It’s not enough to have good alternative behaviors to self-sabotage. You also need contingency plans for the inevitable obstacles that will arise when you first start to implement them.
4. Boost your tolerance for uncomfortable feelings
No matter how well you strategize and execute on your new alternative behaviors, it will be emotionally hard at times:
Even if you have a handful of healthy almonds within arms reach, it still hurts a little to give up the Doritos.
Even if your best friend picks up the phone, giving up on the immediate euphoria of a quick drink is going to feel tough.
Even if you go for that walk or get back to work instead of playing video games, you’re still going to miss the video games.
Letting go of self-sabotage isn’t merely an intellectual problem of planning and strategy. It’s an emotional tolerance problem.
In order to form any new habit or set of behaviors, you have to be able to tolerate discomfort—especially emotional discomfort. And this is just as true for replacing self-sabotaging behaviors with alternative healthy behaviors.
The best way to practice building up your emotional tolerance is to start small:
Identify the emotion that most often comes up when you let go of your old self-sabotage behavior and pursue a healthier alternative. For example: fear, frustration, sadness, etc.
Next, look for other places in your life where that emotion comes up in smaller doses. For example: you get a little frustrated when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is taking forever.
Instead of immediately doing something to alleviate that feeling or distract yourself from it, practice tolerating it for a small amount of time. For example: instead of immediately pulling out your phone and browsing Facebook as soon as you feel frustrated, practice doing nothing and letting yourself feel frustrated for 10, 20, or 30 seconds.
Gradually build up your tolerance for that emotion in other areas of your life and then practice doing the same with your alternative healthy behaviors.
Remember: Just because an emotion feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad. And while sometimes uncomfortable, emotions are neither dangerous nor morally wrong.
5. Clarify your values
This isn’t the most necessary step in letting go of self-sabotage, but it is the most powerful.
When you clarify your values and aspirations—the things that truly matter most to you in life—and then connect your new, healthier behaviors to them, it’s far easier for them to take root and grow, leaving the old self-sabotaging behaviors far off in the distance.
The key to clarifying your values is to get beyond superficial forms of values and connect with the visceral form of your values. Here’s what I mean…
Let’s say you want to give up the self-sabotaging behavior of watching the news as soon as you get home from work because it is a time suck and leads to you not accomplishing more meaningful goals.
And let’s say the alternative, healthier behavior you’d like to replace it with is going for a walk in order to get some exercise.
Now, if I asked you Why do you want to go for a walk instead of watching the news when you get home from work? you might respond with something like, Because I want to get in shape.
Now, getting in shape is a value, but it’s not a very compelling one. It’s not visceral or specific—it’s vague and abstract. But if you want your values to help motivate you toward your new behaviors, they must be compelling. And the way you do that is by forcing yourself to get more specific.
So, I might follow up with Well, why do you want to get in shape? To which you might reply, Because I want to feel more energetic and less tired all the time.
This is definitely more specific and compelling, but we can do better… What would you be able to do if you felt more energized and less tired each day? After hearing this, your eyes might light up a little and you’d say You know, since college I’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar and be in a band. I know it sounds silly—I’m 43 years old—but I get excited every time I think about it. And I think if I just wasn’t so exhausted all the time, I could actually make it happen.
Bingo. Now that is a clarified value. It’s a value that’s got teeth. It’s a value that’s got gravity. And because it’s got gravity, it will help pull you toward your goal and new behavior, which is key if you’re trying to resist the gravity of an old, self-sabotaging behavior.
All You Need to Know
Self-sabotage isn’t as mysterious or complicated as it sounds: It simply means chronically doing something that undermines your own goals or values.
If you want to stop self-sabotaging for good, the key is to understand what need it serves and then develop alternative behaviors that fill the same need in a healthier and more productive way.
There are 5 basic steps to doing this:
Understand the need your self-sabotage fills
Identify alternative healthy behaviors that fill that need
Anticipate and plan for obstacles
Boost your tolerance for uncomfortable feelings
Clarify your values
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“Solitude is dangerous. It’s addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is you don’t want to deal with people.”
— WomenWorking.com
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HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis
If you are, at first, lonely - be patient. If you've not been alone much or if, when you were, you weren't okay with it then just wait, you'll find it's fine to be alone...once you're embracing it. We could start with the acceptable places: the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there, where you can browse the stacks and smell the books you're not supposed to talk much anyway, so it's safe there. There's also the gym. If you're shy you can hang out with yourself in the mirrors, you can put headphones in. And there's public transportation - because we all gotta go places - and there's prayer and meditation no one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple, things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid-being-alone principles. The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by chow-downers, employees that only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they, like you, will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with eat-lunch-and-run, take yourself out for dinner, a restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger; in fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. Go to the movies where it is dark and soothing alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And, then, take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching ('cause they are probably not) and, if they are, assume it is with best and human intentions, the way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings. Go to the woods alone and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there are always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations that you get in by sitting alone on benches might have never happened had you not been there by yourself. Society is afraid of alone though, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after awhile, nobody is dating them.
But alone is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner look both further and farther in the endless quest for company, but no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept, perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all of those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
'cause if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay. It's okay if no one believes like you all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses can't think like you for this be relieved, keeps it interesting, life's magic things in reach. And it doesn't mean you aren't connected, that community's not present. Just take the perspective you get from being one person alone in one head and feel the effects of it Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you or a religious sect is not meant for you don't obsess about it. You could be, in an instant, surrounded, if you need it. If your heart is bleeding make the best of it there is heat in freezing, be a testament
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