#in my personal journal where i dump all my thoughts and ideas into

[katabay]

L'APPEL DU VIDE

okay so. jack! jack. what a collection of guys. the overlap between jack and the beanstalk and jack the giant killer, though. that sure is something! sometimes king arthur is there, which always takes me by surprise.

this. specifically. is an idea I've been kicking around. jack and the beanstalk is not a story I've ever enjoyed, as a kid it was probably my least favorite to read. as an adult, I was INTENSELY fascinated by reading j.g. ballard's the drowned giant. I think about it frequently, and somewhere during a re read of it, I ended up revisiting jack.

combining different versions of jack into one character is not a new concept, but it IS a fun one! the version I've been assembling together plays less with the fun elements of a jack story (and adjacent folklore stories), and focuses more on the potential for tragic elements with the addition of the usual grim and jagged narrative edges that I personally enjoy.

jack with the backstory of the devil and the three golden hairs, only jack doesn't find love, he's TIRED, all he wants to do is go home, but there isn't a home to go back to. what is the point of being born lucky if this is what it gets you? jack the giant killer, only he doesn't want to kill giants, jack who saw a body of a giant when he was a small child and cannot bring himself to do as a king commands. jack, who climbs up the beanstalk and stops halfway to look down. etc.

to go back to the drowned giant real quick, both to set the tone about jack seeing the body of a giant as a youth, and also because I've been haunted and obsessed with this excerpt of it ever since I read it:

J. G. Ballard, The Drowned Giant

anyway! this was originally like, a two illustration concept to get out of my system. however. I'm halfway through outlining a narrative. so. maybe it will also be several illustrations and also comic.

bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost

#original tag #generic medieval tag #WAHOO. alright. #i dont have any additional commentary in the tags. reading the drowned giant years ago Did Something To Me #and it connected with whatever it was that made me dislike the jack and the beanstalk narrative (i know what it is. its just not really #all that relevant to this post. also im tired. its time for bed) #through the power of Why Not. i will now. turn it into a story???? #i think. its definitely been taking up a lot of space in my mind lately #the only thing stopping me from turning it into my Side Project to do when i need a break from doing Bad Governance edits #is that. ive run out of notebooks???? to start a new story in. and i am Old and i only outline stuff by hand #eventually i'll get to daiso and pick up some new ones and work on this for real. until then. im going to continue to write about it #in my personal journal where i dump all my thoughts and ideas into

[babyspacekwid]

Astrology Observations and Advice ✨ (TW talks of ED)

From a non professional astrologer who has no idea wtf she’s posting half the time 💕

Chiron 4th house in Capricorn, Your dad may be very hard on you, like a perfectionist dad. Could have also been abusive. Could be the type to comment on your shortcomings. Remember that you are enough as it is, don’t be so hard on yourself, treat yourself as you would a friend. With compassion and kindness. Its okay to make mistakes in life. It’s common to have daddy issues with this placement, so try not to let that affect your love life, this is a personal placement of mine😜 rlly into toxic men, but they ain’t good for me, so let us be aware of that. Don’t take life too seriously, do the serious shit without being too serious about it. Idk if that makes sense but for example, let’s say u got a math test, do the math test seriously, like study and shit but don’t let the stress of it consume you because it rlly ain’t that serious.

Aries moon, especially men y’all’s temper is unregulated af. Ive seen y’all snap at stuff that energy shouldn’t be wasted on, y’all are one of the most emotionally reactive signs I have ever met. Like a ticking time bomb. This moon sign might have experienced a mother figure that was harsh and emotionally neglectful. Very hard on you, wasn’t that nurturing when raising you. The type of mom to tell you to get up and wipe the dust off when you fall and scrape your knee as a kid. y’all gotta delve into those emotions in a healthier manner. Therapy and journaling could be very beneficial. Go to one of those rage rooms where ppl break shit, I feel like y’all would go all out. There’s definitely some pent up anger. This goes for Scorpio moons too, y’all is more internal though, got some deep dark thoughts and intense internal feelings that could easily overwhelm which is why downtime is needed.

Speaking of some Scorpio moons I have met, don’t let your trust issues fuck things up. This a hard placement, y’all feel things so deeply, but just cause one person backstabbed you don’t mean everyone will. Open up to people, trial and error and you’ll find that person. Obviously set boundaries and don’t just trauma dump on everyone you meet, but don’t build an invisible wall as soon as you meet someone. Not everyone is out to get you.

(TW) Taurus risings I’ve met have dealt with some type of eating disorder. Could have had family members or people comment on their weight as a child or just got rlly influenced by the negative parts of social media. Every taurus rising I’ve met has dealt with body issues, y’all are actually so beautiful though, and I’m sorry you don’t hear it often,no matter the size. You guys are also so photogenic, like maybe I’m just the type of person that sees human beings as cute in general but istg y’all could be making the ugliest of faces and I’d still think it’s charming 😭 my best advice would be to stop comparing yourselves, and to learn unconditional love towards your body at every stage it’s at. We’re gonna be 60 and wrinkly anyways, might as well enjoy what it can do for you now!

I have this friend who’s a Capricorn sun and moon, and as a Gemini sun and moon myself I feel so similar to her in like every aspect. Idk if it’s because we’re both born on a new moon, but anyways, this girl needs to learn to open up😭 like hun I wanna be your shoulder to cry on, don’t get me wrong she will vent, and spill the tea, but when the waterworks come out she’d rather isolate. I’m just like naurrrrrr, come back. I might not be comfortable with tears and shit but il awkwardly pat your back and listen to you. Either way y’all don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, you aren’t a burden and you can’t deal with it yourself. Stop trynna convince yourself that you can. Humans are social creatures and our primal instinct is to receive and give love. M

ANYWHOOOO y’all I rlly ain’t that knowledgeable about this shit, I’m rlly going off my friend’s placements (and mine). I am studying astrology tho so maybe one day 🤠 but I got the memory of a goldfish so it might take a while, I appreciate everyone who’s been liking my posts though THANK YOU💕💕💕💕

#astrology #astro observations #taurus #capricorn #scorpio #aries #chiron

[worshipper-status]

Literally so happy because my God is actually excepting of my obsession, but I’d kinda like to know how to worship him better less directly? (Ie. tips on digital alters/general worship tips?)

An excuse to ramble! Thank you :D

Worshipper's Guide to Indirect Worship

This is going to be my sfw guide for less direct methods of contact and digital altars, I may make an nsfw guide at some point on my own as a counterpart to this but for now...

(long post below)

Digital Shrines

Digital shrines are a good format for indirect worship, because you can curate it from anywhere, and no one will know. Technically I have two digital altars but one is more a back up of the other. One is I have a folder on my computer that contains all the media of the shrine, and the shrine itself is on my personal discord server. Usually I separate the shrine itself into media, devotionals, personal devotionals, writings, and links by using different discord channels. The channels breakdown like this for me:

Media: photos and videos of solely them

Devotionals: images I find on the internet that I feel embody our relationship, media created by someone else. Also picrews usually

Personal Devotionals: Visual media I have personally made to embody our relationship and can take full credit for creating. (This is a specific folder I made just to keep my art and others art separate)

Writings: Poems, songs, rambles, gushing, fantasies, etc. Any thought you have about them that's important enough to write down, put it here.

Links: I use this as a dumping ground for ideas I got from articles, purchases I want to make, or anything that requires a link to something else but directly relates to my worship of My Goddess.

Tumblr can also be a general dumping grounds kind of shrine, where I would not be too honest tbh, but it's a start. I prefer keeping my shrines private for the most part. My general advice is to stay away from tumblr for everything because you're not going to feel 1000% comfortable expressing your worship to its full extent because of the possibility of it being found by strangers. Also some things are just tmi to be honest. I have writings in my folder documenting times me and My Goddess have banged in detail so I don't forget. Tumblr doesn't need that kind of detail on here. So try and keep shrines at least somewhat private for your own sake. People are dicks.

As for advice for things to do to worship indirectly (and this goes hand in hand with the shrine a little bit) here's a list with general advice and ideas:

Scrapbook/Junk Journal about them (I'm biased this is a personal favorite of mine). Get a notebook, some scrapbook supplies, and either dedicate it to photos of your beloved or journal about any time you guys interact in ways that feel meaningful to you! I keep one physical scrapbook that I use for collages for My Goddess's photos, and am planning to start a junk journal for more writing purposes. I'll probably solely be using it to write about personal interactions with My Goddess, and on slower days, things I love about Her in general. It's both kinda a traditional journal and a part of my obsessive behaviors. You can also do stuff like this digitally with moodboard and collage makers like Canva which have free options.

Document about them. This is kinda vague so I'll explain. As part of my shrine, I have a document I'm building dedicated to bullet note points about My Goddess. If She randomly drops a fact on me about Her childhood, or Her interests. I write it down there so I don't forget. I want to be a good worshipper so I want to be an expert in everything about Her. I usually use a note taking app for this that I can organize into subgroups. Notion is a favorite of mine (despite them selling their soul to the AI overlords sigh) because it allows a lot of creative freedom in organizing the documents AND it's linked to my email so I can't lose it. Obviously, a google doc will accomplish the exact same thing, however my entire personality type is best described as extra, so I have to do things with extra effort at all times.

Write for them. This is where my pagan background kicks in a little bit, but in certain pagan traditions, especially stuff like Hellenic Polytheism, writing hymns or poems or songs for the gods was very important to their practices. So why not write those things for your God? It doesn't need to be shared, it can be bad, it can be whatever it wants to be. What I usually do, is I write poems for My Goddess, and keep them in my junk journal or digital shrine, depending on if I'm working physically or digitally, and if I'm feeling brave I'll share it with Her, but most times, they stay hidden in the depths of my shrine stuff.

Biggest overall piece of advice, create for them. Nothing shows devotion, quite like the personal experience of making something for someone else even if they never see it. Honor the Gods with the act of Creation, ya know?? It doesn't even have to require you to be good at drawing or whatever. Are you someone who gardens? Name a plant after them. Like makeup? Figure out what makeup styles they prefer on your chosen gender and wear those all the time, even if they're not there to see. Sewing? Make a stuffed animal of them. Speed runs? Dedicate every run to them, create a record for them. It can be as big or as mundane as you want and none of it has to be outwardly expressed to the other person. Just dedicate whatever hobby you have to them, and suddenly you'll have tons of shrine material.

Now for the quick part, of this!

General Worship Tips! (These are more indirect tho)

When getting dressed, pick outfits you know they'll appreciate. (Just please don't sacrifice your personal style for this)

Capitalize their name/title no matter what. They deserve the respect of one extra button push.

Write letters, even if you live close, even if you see them everyday, and even if you never send them. Use this as a format to express your emotions unbarred.

Save every photo they send you of themselves. If you need to edit people out of the photo do it, but you better be saving every instance of themselves they give you.

Fill your space with things that express yourself yes, but also have stuff that reminds you of them. Do they have a favorite animal? Buy those kinds of stuffed animals. They say they like certain types of aesthetics? Put some of that decor in your space.

I don't paint my nails, but if you do, paint them their favorite color.

Have dedicated jewelry pieces for them. While My Goddess did not give it to me, I have a memory of them associated with a bracelet I wear every single day. You can just buy a piece of jewelry and assign it as a symbol to them. They don't have to know.

Interact with their interests, with passion. Do your best to care about everything they care about. It'll give you guys tons of stuff to do, and help you understand them better.

Make pinterest boards dedicated to certain moments you want i.e. first date, wedding, future house/apartment dreams, pets you want with them, nursery room ideas, etc.

Make playlists dedicated to them.

Alright that's all I really have for right now! I hope some of this advice has been helpful and at the very least legible lol. I hope everything with you and your God goes well! If you want any more advice do not be afraid to ask me more questions :)

#worshipper's oath #worshipper's answers #irl yandere #male yandere #yandere #obsessive love #obsessive love disorder #bpd yandere #yandere boy #obsessive thoughts #yandere community #yancore #yanblr #yanderecore #yandereblr #yandere coping #yandere tips #yandere male #boy yandere

[spaceratprodigy]

could i bother u for more thoughts on faith and max in a mock apple orchard 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

@gayafsatan — I would absolutely LOVE to brainstorm some fun ideas of them in a mock apple orchard!!

I've been replaying again so they've been rotating around in my mind a lot extra hard and was especially thinking about mock apple picking bc the botanical labs also has a lil orchard where you can pick mock apples up off the ground! But I'm currently in Roseway so oughhh.. ideas....

I want you now I am going to ramble a LOT so please bear with me I swearsies it'll be more fun if we get the full lore dump from my brain 😩💖💕

–

👇 ROSEWAY THOUGHTS 👇

(I AM GOING TO TALK ABT ROSEWAY THOUGHTS AS A WHOLE AND THEN EASE INTO SOME SILLY MOCK APPLE ORCHARD IDEAS AT THE END OKAY. OKAY ILY THANK YOU).

–

My thoughts are very chaotic and rambly so let me try to walk though my ideas lmao

Roseway is typically where I peg Faith's death wish arc happening, and to summarize what all that entails, it's when the mask slips and the weight of everything finally hits her in full force.

I always envision this story happening over a long period of time so a lot of time has passed since first arriving at Edgewater and the Groundbreaker.

Halcyon. Her situation. Her identity. The life Phineas threw her into abruptly and his expectations for her. Making split second moral decisions where no matter what someone is going to get hurt. Being so alien and alone, no one to understand her or believe in her predicament but having to be the mysterious competent captain regardless.

It finally gets to her. Bad. And she makes some self destructive decisions. She gets sloppy, careless, hoping someone else will end this nightmare for her. Until they almost do.

I am swiftly brushing past many details so we don't get too lost in the sauce. But Max went after her, found her collapsed and injured bad, carried her back to the ship for Ellie to do whatever she could, and then stayed by her side for as long as it took for her to wake up.

This is such a key moment for them getting closer. Because there was a lot of frustration and emotion and being forced to confront the possibility of feelings existing, but nothing they fully understand or are ready to acknowledge as such yet.

She tries to brush past the subject of what happened, deflecting everything until he raises his voice in a way he hasn't since she gave him the journal and she threatened he never talk like that to her again. And it was enough to break through her facade, for her to show just how utterly broken and vulnerable she is, and they have a proper fucking conversation about where she's at mentally. He still isn't ready for the truth about her life before. But it's a step forward.

There is a lot of patience and understanding and just. Yeah. A lot happens here. Some walls come down. There grows some room for them to become softer and closer over more time.

All of this is important because a short piece I had written a long time ago took place in this area roughly after this incident.

It was a personal outlet vent piece, I will be honest. When I wrote it it was after I had a very bad panic attack after an awful scare. And I wrote it into Faith because I just wanted to get some feelings from that experience out of my system.

The shortened version of that one is Faith recovering from a bad episode, trying to calm her breathing, waiting for her ears to stop ringing and for her vision to come back. Her legs gave out on her and she was sitting under the mock apple trees. Her voice locks up on her when she's seriously distressed. Yadda yadda yadda, Max had brought along his datapad so she could communicate anything important and she was incredibly confused because she knows he doesn't like using his datapad ever and then rendered even more speechless to know he brought it specifically for her in case something like this were to happen again. It ends with her just asking if he would keep talking to her, and they sit there under the mock apple trees for a while, in no particular rush to get anywhere.

And after this point, I think the mock apple orchards become a really peaceful, therapeutic spot for her when she just wants a moment to herself. Sits there, breathes, takes in the Roseway scenery and collects herself before jumping back into the horrors of Halcyon. Spends some time picking mock apples to take back to the ship.

I've been having a lot of ideas of her asking Max to go with her. I'm of the mind if she'd ask directly that he'd either decline, or at least pretend to be uninterested but she's the one who asked so he accepts the offer.

But I can see her being vague and just saying that she's heading out if he'd join her and she leads him to the orchards. By this point they're already often in each other's company, she indulges his interests often, letting him be the one who is finally listened to. But in general, they get along very well in conversation when it comes to a handful of similar interests and their personalities and attitudes bounce off of each other well.

(In my story anyway, since she spends an extended amount of time in Edgewater and the Vale, there was also a lot of time spent doing some early bonding with Max. So do with that info what you will. They're not likeee besties yet but they're much more than strangers by this point, ya'know? Just to get an idea of where their familiarity with each other is at and why there's enough respect and trust to some extent already existing. Not to mention how much time they had spent on the Groundbreaker).

They'd be having such a peaceful time away from the rest of the crew.

Oughhh hear me out, okay, Faith loves to bake. She doesn't even ask, she just makes Max hold her bag open while she starts collecting mock apples and after they finally head back to the ship she figures out how to make mock apple pie for the crew 😭 we already know Max doesn't care much for sweets (I wonder how sweet or tart a mock apple pie would be.. Faith girl what all Halcyon ingredients are you adding to that bad boy) but.. what if.... After everyone goes to bed...... He tries some anyway........ Because she made it..........

Most of what's bouncing around in my brain is them early on having wholesome bonding time in a spot just for the two of them. Just enjoying each other's company. Realizing they have genuine respect for each other, Faith feeling like she found a genuine friend who went to lengths further than anyone had in her entire life to make sure she survived. I am specifying Faith's feelings here intentionally. I write Max in a more complicated spot very blinded by his revenge scheme more or less unaware for a long while just how much the lines start blurring between his faith and his Faith. To put it succinctly. (Look I know I'm always drawing The Good Stuff™️ but in actuality their relationship is suchhhh a slow burn. They are not the most romantically inclined people lmao).

But also.. once she realizes she can talk to him when she needs to. I think coming back to this spot, off the ship, away from the crew, she just likes it there. She likes being there with him. She finds comfort in that spot.

OKAY BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WOULD BE CUTE.... they should come back here.. post-scylla and post-gorgon...... Ya'know......... The first being when they establish not wanting to be apart and the second being when they want to make that partnership a permanent one......... ASKING HER IN THE MOCK APPLE ORCHARDS WOULDN'T THAT BE DARLING ough okay I need a minute my brain is going too fast to comprehend

My Roseway ideas aren't the most cleaned up I know BUT so many important bonding moments exist and oughhhh LOOSE IDEAS ARE STILL WORTH TALKING ABOUT OKAYYYYY

I just want them to go mock apple picking together and learn how to get smiles out of each other and not understand why it makes their chests hurt but they know they need to do it again

ACTUALLYYYYY post-scylla when he's much more mellowed out and they're the closest they've been I think would be so so nice. they'd be so much softer and he'd probably be so much more involved in wanting to enjoy silly lil activities with her.....

Currently imagining him reading out loud to her, all the conversations they'd have, maybe he brings his tossball cards to show her, maybe they bring one of the lil games, have a lil makeshift picnic....

Godddd the transition between just how much enthusiasm he shows spending time with her is enough to make me explode. Can you see my vision. The reluctance, to the hesitancy, to becoming absolutely inseparable.

I HAVE A LOT TO THINK ABOUT BUT I'M GETTING SLEEPY SO SENDING IT!!!!!!

Literally feel free to add on or share your own thoughts I'm begging you lmao I promise there is so much room for ideas to be fleshed out and better put together, I'm mostly just spitballing what all I think would be incredibly fun ideas to work with. Plus I'm kind of thinking across the timeline and how much their relationship would change between each visit. And how over time they would enjoy it more and more and make each visit more special than the last.

WAIT BEFORE I LOSE THE THOUGHT!! They make a stop RIGHT BEFORE HEADING TO SCYLLA TO GO TO THE HERMIT'S LODGE!! Oh that could hurt so good omgggg. Okay okay I need to stop now I NEED TO STOP.

#MY DEAR FRIEND I WROTE SO MUCH I APOLOGIZE AHEAD OF TIME #I had a LOT of roseway thoughts I needed to get out of my system #that lead into why the mock apple orchards would be such a special spot they'd want to keep returning to 😭 #my thoughts are all a mess tho I know I know I have a lot that's needs cleaning up and better fleshed out #but hey! what's the point of having ideas if you can't talk about them no matter what stage of development they're at!! #enjoy my long winded roseway ramble #I really do think the orchards would make such a lovely spot to just be alone and bond #not that it was ever their intention. it certainly wasn't supposed to happen he'd think. #yet there he is. unable to deny her invitation and realizing all too late how many details about her he has committed to memory #always so collected and calculated. never stumbling on his words. always knowing just what to say. #until it comes to her. until she days his name. until her voice like a siren song has his tongue tied in knots. #'vicar max if you prefer brevity' he tells her. yet maximillian she'll call him. letting his name linger on her lips for as long as possible #I think I need to go lay down #faith and max #my writing #long post #says*

[dancer-nguyen]

Why artist should write?

Why tho?

Because I hate my art most of the time, and I think you hate your art most of the time, too.

Stress, pressure, self-doubt, comparing to others, all these stuff fill my mind when I try to draw something. "I must make something good, I have to, as good as the 5000 pins I saved on Pinterest".

These thoughts overwhelm your mind, basically.

Arts are supposed to make us feel better, they are supposed to be our instrument of expressing our thoughts and clear the burden in our mind. So why are we, artists, always filled with negative thoughts?

Have you ever felt this way: constantly changing the sketch, fine-tuning the smallest pixel of the lineart while thinking that this piece will go nowhere and you are a terrible artist, and finally you block down some color+shadow and whoaaaaa it suddenly clicks: "I actually feel something from this piece"

The "click" is something I would like to call "the-stage-which-your-art-begin-to-express-your-ideas-and-feelings". Until we reach this stage, we cannot express our ideas, gestures need to be drawn, line art needs to be polished, colors need to be blocked, shadows need to be shaded, and I-don't-know-why-but-it-looks-good filters like grain and chromatic aberration needed to be added.

We have to go through everything so that our art becomes "something". Until that something appears, our mind just keeps filling with our own negative thoughts to the point that it is overwhelmed. I give up most of the time before my art actually becomes something. Thousands of sketches and line art are wasted just because I cannot push myself a little bit more.

But hey, who said the only way to dump our negative thoughts is by pushing ourselves to finish the piece?

The way I choose is writing

(ironically, another form of Arts).

Writing is a great way to express yourself! Unlike art, where the learning curve can be tough and a bit discouraging, writing is more forgiving. All you need is the ability to write, and you're good to go.

Don't be afraid of writing. It's a personal medium, so there's no need to polish your writing to the same extent as you do with your art. It's like sketching - just put your thoughts down on paper. However, not all artists can express themselves through sketching alone. So while telling them to "just sketch and don't worry about how it looks" may not create any more negative thoughts, it may not necessarily get rid of existing ones.

I have a notebook where I write every thought in my head down. And so far it has been filled with neat writing, bad writing, skeletons, nude figures, random shaded spheres, letters I want to send to my favorite YouTuber but I just don't have the courage to do so, and so so much more. And so far, it has been nice. Sometimes I'm just too tired to write (literally every day lol) so I just flip back and forth and see all the things I have made, unpolished, unaffected by my crippling perfectionism. And oh boy after that I just had more motivation and ended up writing anyway.

You can just journal random stuff that pops up in your mind, both negative and positive, no need to polish anything. And done, your mind is clear now and you can focus on the piece of art yayyyyyy.

Actually you're just gonna fall into an endless cycle of being stressed, finding something to relieve it, pushing yourself to finish the piece, being happy after completing it, and finally being stressed about the next piece.

But the thing is not about the endless cycle of pain, it's about how we deal with it. After all, living itself is painful, but by dealing with the pain and finding ways to enjoy our lives, our existence becomes meaningful. P/SS: Writing is actually really good for noting down inspirations and composing your future pieces. Sometimes I just write prompts for my character designs or environment designs because I don't wanna sketch them out. Later I will re-read the prompt and imagine all kinds of different stuff I can make. (I learned this from that chapter of Bakuman, when the illustrator tells the story writer to use only words to describe his ideas instead of using sketches, the illustrator can have more freedom in designing the pages)

#art #art block #journal #art tips #art thoughts #abstract art #digital painting

[fawna12]

Edit after the fact: This took me an hour that I was really supposed to be doing something else during so please consider reading it if you are interested in chronicle zero it is just a brain dump of all of my random thoughts but i hope to summon other genlosers who might like it

alright so this is gonna be a LONG post that's just Chronicle 0 theories and probably won't be edited too much because at some point I'll be typing as fast as my brain is going

Starting from the top, the connecting post from the generation loss twitter. This is the same connecting... type thing as from some Gen 1 teasers, especially with the portal thingy which means that, going by infinite alternate universes theory segment it's probably the reason we can see the things Zero writes.

In other words, the portal/connecting thing could be what let us watch Showfall Media's show, and could be the same thing that's putting Zero's journal in twitter posts for us.

Then Zero replies to it (kinda) with their first journal post, talking about how they're supposed to categorize their thoughts. Zero thinks it's dumb. The date is sometime in the 1900's, probably gonna be important later for time period and stuff. However, probably 1970's or later due to a later entry by Zero. The journal stuff was probably suggested by Mary (therapist?) as suggested by a later post. She wants Zero to keep writing.

Next, theres a poll with 3 hellos. I am forming this thought as I am writing it, but the polls seem to have an extremely different vibe than the journal entries. They could be a different person, someone from generation loss, or they could be Zero from a different time period... The definition of generation loss is "The loss of quality between subsequent copies or transcodes of data." (Wikipedia) could this be Zero from after the story starts, trying to ask for help or communicate? If so, does Zero know about the journal posts? I'm going to treat the polls as a different version of Zero for the rest of this analysis even though that isn't very likely.

The next post referances how it's been 8 months. 8 months since what? Given that Zero started writing in July, it was likely December or maybe November when something happened to Zero. Did Zero lose memories? Something happened to Zero, but what? Was it lostfield? What happened in December? Definitely something traumatic for them.

Continuing that section, Zero is getting treated poorly, and their family as well. This could easily be because of what happened in December. Did Zero do something? If Zero did something, other people might view them as a monster and be treating them poorly because of that. Zero made a list of good things and bad things, which can sometimes be something therapists ask you to do, making me think more that the journal is therapist sanctioned. The good things include their family, dog, Jay (partner? best friend?) something thats crossed out, and the journal they're writing in. They don't list the bad things, saying that they won't ever forget those. Is this a book so they don't forget their feelings? Are they worried about their memory? They also say that writing is helping.

There's another poll, between Who? or What?. Not much information to go along with that, so i'm skipping it.

J, presumably Jay, says that Zero should log their "wild dreams". This is where it starts getting interesting :D

D1 (dream one) Zero was in a red field (LOSTFIELD??) and it was all weird. For some reason, this made me think about nuclear stuff. Ranboo did say that radiation exposure was on the genloss board of ideas, but I don't think that generation 0 will have that, at least not much with the information that we have currently. Zero states that they were trying to find something, and then fell into a chasm. They state that the chasm felt unnatural and unstable. The cave shifts and they feel like they're being FORCED TO WATCH IT. And then the dream loops. Could this be a generation loss glitch? stay with me here, but what if this is a different one of the infinite worlds that's being accidently projected into Zeros mind as they sleep? Unlikely, but possible. It could also be what happened to them 8 months ago... or what will happen to them (poll person?).

Next post- Zero doesn't like work. This is the post that makes me think the year is 1970 or later, as it's mentioned that the manager is old and doesn't understand what they're selling due to his age. That implies that it could be technology retail, making me think of a later year. "the comments hes made have gotten on my nerves" harassment over normal stuff, or could it be over a side effect of whatever happened 8 months ago to Zero?

Ooooo Zero showed their dream to Jay and Jay thinks it's a cycle/Zero being forced to relive stuff. I really think there's going to be some sort of time loop in the show this time, like in groundhog's day and some other movies. Zero will probably get stuck. Jay likes supernatural stuff- Oh wait Ranboo mentioned this generation will have ghosts and stuff is Zero being haunted? THE POLLS COULD BE MADE BY GHOSTS OH MY GOD I WONDER IF THAT'S IT. that would be so cool and would make sense what if the ghosts are showing Zero how they died. Are the ghosts showing Zero how they died while Zero is sleeping. Oh no Zero's going to have so much trauma. IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED EIGHT MONTHS AGO DID SOMETHING HAPPEN LETTING THE GHOSTS CONNECT WITH ZERO THAT WOULD BE SO COOL probably not but like- okay back to the posts Zero doesn't believe in the supernatural despite Jay believing in it and knowing a lot about it.

wowie dream 2 okay Zero is definitely a high schooler or college student as they mention school and work as part of their normal day. Anyway the dream is a normal day but then they end up looking at the stars on the hood of Zero's car. Zero mentions a "we", could be friend group or Zero and Jay? Maybe Zeros family. Zero was calm, but the sky was ripply (like water?) and the stars looked weird. then everything else was gone and the sky crashed into them until they woke up?

If the dreams are from ghosts, then that ghost either drowned or got crushed by something from the sky. Could be a bomb or something, maybe.

oh my god it's another poll the poll is between Stop or Don't

Don't won. If the polls are from ghosts then this could be them asking if they should stop sending Zero dreams. If the polls are from Zero in the future... they could be Zero begging someone to stop torturing them that would be funnn.

Dream three! (this analysis is almost over and if you read all of it then thank you) Zero is in a hospital with alarms blaring and they know something is happening. TIME LOOP TIME LOOP TIME LOOP TIME LOOP THEY TRY TO FIND AN EXIT BUT KEEP ENDING UP IN THE SAME SPOT they don't know anything but that they have to get out... get out before what? they start panicking and then something starts chasing them. Oh this is an interesting sentence "It's screams sounded like my own, like I was out of air but still needed to make a sound." the phrasing of needed to make a sound and the fact that its screams sounded like Zero... The screams sounding the same remind me of the wire monster from Generation One absorbing Charlie. The fact that it sounded like Zero NEEDED to make a sound is incredibly concerning, but then again Zero and presumably the thing chasing them are both trapped. they are all trapped. Zero runs out of energy and then wakes up right before they can see the thing come through the door they just went through.

If these are ghosts, then this one died trapped in a hospital, possibly being chased by an attacker. (or alarms could be because of an air raid or smthing if I'm trying to connect this to as many theories as possible) This dream makes me feel like the POV is of someone younger. being trapped and having something chasing you until you run out of energy feels like something a child would feel, especially combined with the hospital and alarms. I'm not sure why I feel like that though.

At the end of that entry, Zero says that they're late, likely for school, and then they leave.

but then there's another poll

RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN

or

KEEPGOINGKEEPGOINGKEEP

if the polls are from Zero's future self, then Slightly Older Zero could be living through the dreams. Maybe what Zero does in the dreams effects what Zero can do later.

If the polls are from ghosts, im not sure what this one would mean.

okay last journal entry before this post is done! Zero starts by quoting J "you never know when inspiration and or a traumatic experience will hit you" I really hope that Jay is a character in the filmed part of Generation 0, they seem great. This does kinda confirm that whatever happened to Zero was traumatic though. Zero then says that Mary was right about writing in this helping them. (this is why I think Mary might be Zeros therapist) then Zero says "maybe she could be right about me. Im hopeful." This makes me think maybe Zero views themself poorly due to whatever happened to them. Very interesting

Alright this post is finally over thank you for reading my rambles I'm so excited for this generation and the rest of generation loss thank you again bye!

#ranboo #generation loss #genloss #ranboolive #genloss spoilers i guess? #generation loss ranboo #generation 0 #chronicle 0 #genloss chronicle 0 #generation loss chronicle 0 #the chronicle 0 #:D #generation loss theories #that probably aren't right but i needed to brain dump :) #genlosers

[tarotnoob]

PAC: Hype messages to get you moving

Pick the pile you're drawn to, and scroll for a message meant to get you going ⏩!

Pile 1

7 of swords, 6 of pentacles, Support, Consider Your Foundation, Assess the Situation

First of all, there's some cynicism happening here. Whether it's people who disappointed you in the past or having had to wait a long time for an important manifestation - this 7 of swords defo has vibes of... pouting. I know that sounds like it's minimizing your experience (bc it is), but it's excess baggage. In this deck, the 7 of swords mentions difficulties in being happy for others bc there's a sense of everyone around us getting great things and we're waiting here like I'm a good person, when's my ship going to come in? Valid. I feel like that a lot, too. But this 7 of swords isn't about trauma residue, this is 7 of swords coming more from waiting for a long period of time and nothing really happening or not getting what you want.

A lot of this has been coming up lately with the eclipse and pluto retrograde, but the messages have frequently been about us getting in our own way because we still hold on to past hurts or maybe bc of the pandemic, we were locked away for a couple of years - which would probably make it less likely for manifestations to happen (especially in love, for example) because we couldn't get out there and then the mindset started to build of - this is never going to happen, nothing is happening... but now that restrictions are lifting in some areas, there's going to be more opportunities to expand that mindset - though it may take some time.

I think the assess the situation is what you have been doing, so there's a lot of analytical energy here. You may have even been keeping it to yourself or self-isolating to some extent, but what I see here in terms of hype messages is this:

I do see more happiness coming in as you're able to openly expand your network, particularly with people. Like, opportunities to meet new folks and make new connections, especially people who may share your hobbies or background. I guess it looks like your soul tribe. This may even be what you were hoping to manifest for all of that time.

New people coming in aside, there is also a note that it would be great to keep a gratitude journal. Not to shame you to feel you aren't grateful, but just as a way to re-focus the way you think. I think the assess the situation could also speak to this idea of having to reorganize your thoughts. When you write down on paper or type it out, even just grab your phone to text yourself or send an email to yourself. Instead of focusing on what's not working or what "failed" or what isn't coming, write down what IS working and what has come to you, even it if feels "small" bc once you start painting those images in your mind, I think you'll be able to change your perception. This seven of sords figure is looking in the mirrors - 7 no less - and it's like they keep finding flaws in each one of them.

You may even already have a group of friends that has helped you through some rough times. Congrats to you if you've already found a good tribe. That is probably where you want to put your focus now. I won't exclude romantic partnerships as obviously a partner can be a friend - but there is a sense of spirit wanting to say appreciate the people who have come into your life or are in your life who already hype and support you and even if you feel you have none like that, the support card makes me think that you have spiritual cheerleaders on the other side.

Also, there's a sense that spirit really wants to push you to not keep things to yourself, but to open up and share your thoughts or feelings with friends. I should say, not as in to make a friend a dumping area for rants and anything better reserved for a therapist [I'm talking suicidal thoughts, which yes reach out for help but we also have to make sure other people have space and we don't trigger them if it's serious stuff but also this doesn't mean you have to ever keep anything very bad to yourself]. I think this is less serious than that anyway, and more about opening up about hobbies and interests or getting involved in those online communities or real life ones, and IF you are looking to expand your social circle, that is the suggested way to do that. I do feel like this is a group who is happier when they feel they are connected to someone on a deeper level.

And finally if you are going through a significant decision or issue in life or if you have a friend who is and you're not sure what to do to help yourself or them, to reach out to the appropriate people or if you reach out to a friend in need, etc...

A very specific message for some is you might receive some type of (financial) support for something that would enable you to get out of a yucky situation. Such as, especially, if you are in a living situation that is unpleasant, there may be money or some type of help coming in so that you can move out or relocate.

I will also say that even if you think it's been a 1000 years and nothing good is ever going to happen and the manifestations will never come - it does seem to be coming no matter what, and IF there's a block, it's simply a belief that it's... not going to happen. The logical explanation for that - so that it doesn't ever seem a punishment and if we move one foot wrong, we lose our manifestation - I think it's more a causal thing. If we think it's not going to happen, we might not put work into it or stop at a certain crucial point or even carrying around that sort of attitude can shift things for various reasons. Like, let's say we just have a bad attitude about something AND we don't put as much effort in, we may miss an opportunity to network with someone because we weren't in the mood to talk or we didn't even attend the event... because I'm seeing a lot more manifestation or abundance or happiness IF one reaches out to others. I don't see much happening if you stay inside, all alone, talking to no one.

This card that says look at how committed you are to love can be a lot of things including your commitment to a person or relationship or a goal. It seems to be related to either home or material things or relationships given the images. Although it's interesting to note that this card has two foxes on it and you have 7 of swords.

It's a hype message reading, but for some of you there could be this also btw, maybe you have some shady folks in your friend group, but the simple solution for that one is to remove them. I don't really see that as a dominant message, I just have to bring it up because it did make me think 7 of swords times 2. But the 7 of swords has positive meanings, as well. Like, a sort of selfishness in which you put focus into what you want to work on without worrying about others - and that can just be driven energy. It can also be using all of your available resources. Mostly though it's usually holding onto feelings or thoughts that are a misconception or a level of deceit by others or lies we tell ourselves or believe in. Personally, I see this as being more in your past and having moved onto a much better place because you've found a better partner or better friend group and have learned to share more. Really, I see that foundation card as being like - don't focus on the bad, focus on what's good about you and your situation as it is and that the more you open up, the more you connect with others, the more you build relationships of mutual support, the more abundance you'll see. So yes - good folks and good things WILL come. I know it's been a long time or really stagnant. But it'll become less like that soon or it's already moving into a better place for you and to also remember that yeah it's great to have supportive friends but also be their support when they need it.

Also also... I'm feeling this now... specific again... this could have to do with family for some and not feeling like you're getting enough support from them or feeling like certain things are one-sided. Maybe it's been building up - and you can apply this to a different specific relationship - but... so I clarified the tarot and for 7 o s got 7 of p and sun so that makes me feel that bitterness that comes from waiting for a long time for a happiness/joy to come and then six of pentacles is clarified by 10 of cups which obviously is the happy happy card but in the image, it's more family oriented or could even represent nourishment from mutual relationships or sharing something. Then this card about support that looks clearly about relationships and a card with a home on it and also relationships - hence family, close relationships, partners, spouses.

So it's kind of like ups and downs in a relationship because of feeling left out or not feeling heard or not feeling supported [and maybe this building up for a time bc 7 of pentacles] or this could even be past energy and things you've already worked through. But for THAT particular situation, the message is yeah we fight and have issues with people we're close to at times because we have certain expectations of what a relationship should be like (mutual) and IF you want to work it out with these people, remember what works and what you love about them (we're not talking about abuse either, that's always BAD BAD), we're talking about tiny miscommunications... but if you've felt unsupported or unhappy for a long time in a place that should feel safe or like a home... then maybe you do need to assess the change and what can be salvaged or if it can't or if you'd feel better sharing those feelings with the other person or maybe someone in your life feels that way about their relationship with you and it should be talked about because you or someone else may be hiding how unhappy or hurt you are.

On the other side of that, let's say that everything related to 7 of swords is all in the past and you've been doing shadow work to let go of the past hurts. In that case and you're closer to being free of that and opening up a new phase, then I would still guess that you are seeing support coming in or having found communities that have helped you move past that or should find those communities that keep moving you forward. I also feel that there's something here in making sure you're committed and willing to meet the universe halfway on any goals, not just with full effort but also a full heart in which you genuinely trust the universe. Not because THAT'S THE WAY IT IS but because things work more smoothly with a positive mindset. Do you think a task gets done quicker when you don't want to do it or when you feel kind of hyped for it? You might even procrastinate on things you don't want to do and it'll never get done because you tell yourself "tomorrow" or "next week"... and that's how that works without just going "BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC" there's an actual reason people repeat phrases like JUST HAVE FAITH AND GO WITH THE FLOW it's more about perception and mindset.

But this is a group where other people seem to be a big focus for you now, lots of networking or groups being involved, especially close relationships and more than likely family issues.

And even though there isn't anything SCREAMING about love and relationships here although when you look at sun and 10 of cups it can certainly BE that your idea of happiness includes those things. So IF you have been single, there is the potential for down the road that after this healing journey, your tribe may include a family if you want that. Because this card with the house on it has pairs of couples enjoying their home and family and IF that is the endgame, the relationship feels a lot different than previous ones in the sense they'll be supportive and mutual BUT the road [to me] seems a bit longer than others' journeys and there may even be some annoyance with how long and even moments of isolation. Which as long as you remain within a bubble, I feel like you won't see that stuff you want coming in so if you're in a place that you just stay home all the time and wonder why nothing is happening - your manifestations seem tied to opportunities in which you receive things through others, etc.... but don't focus on the 7 of swords. You have Sun and 10 of cups here and a nice lovely home, so the people you want in your life or the home or the happiness in general - WILL COME. But also... keep in mind it seems to arrive based on opening yourself up or getting out there into the world again... and maybe Leo to or and/or Virgo season could be significant times for you - in gaining relationships, losing, evolving relationships or even moving. For some of you, that's moving in with someone, too.

---

Pile 2

wtf this pile is way easy to hype like mmkay. The first message I feel is to take a trip or just embrace this idea of "yes to love yes to life yes to everythiiiiiing" which is what I've been trying to do lately. Even look at this death card. Usually death is so intense but this figure is like yessssssssss. So it feels like embracing change, welcoming change, encouraging and being excited by changes happening around you and within you. This person is like thank fuck things are changing, like same energy as someone who hates winter (like the cold kinds) and is dying for spring/summer.

Go wild and take a breather may seem in opposition, and it may depend on the person as in some people relax by taking space and some people relax by doing things like outdoor concerts or festivals or trips or rowdy situations. Mostly I feel it's a combo of the both in that "take a breather" from serious life stuff by "letting go". And with this change in perspective, I think (besides synchronicity with the word change again), it's no longer fearing change or any type of negative perspective around change or transformation... there's something very empowering about this pile. And it does still feel fresh because we have a page of pentacles, so this is like a fresh new feeling or it's a very recent or soon to come change. It may even involve more than just like whee I'm more confident and optimistic and I'm ready to embrace everything and do everything and wheee.... because it could be a new relationship, new job, new project, new hobby, new trip. The pentacle card points out likely some physical change or new beginning is involved - however, it also feels a big one or a big step for you and there may even be an element of risk or relief about it. The practice compassion I'll add in too as I think this is a very light message about being compassionate toward yourself - no harsh words or thoughts about yourself and attempt to be more understanding with others.

This may be projecting as I am constantly of the belief my next person is a Scorpio-Leo combo but for maybe others.... maybe there will be or is a significant Leo and/or Scorpio either just coming into your life or coming soon BECAUSE of this shift you're putting out. It's more positive and you'll be putting yourself out there by going to things more, so you may very well ... met some people if you know what I mean wink wonk. I guess I do want to say it PROBABLY hasn't happened yet because of the future card. This is more of a prophetic moment and maybe if you want timing, perhaps Leo or Scorpio season or somewhere in between, especially during travels or an even that's outside... or even like a weekend getaway to a flea market. But for some of you I'm really getting concert vibes. Like, if that cute guy or girl or hot nonbinary individual is like yo what's up with their eyeballs, flirt back or if they come to you, don't shut them down immediately or freak yourself out or even embrace this YES TO LIFE energy and go to them. I also will say this is about your perspective on the future and not always shitting on yourself and going - this won't happen, nothing will come, everything isn't working. I don't SEE ANY OF YOU EVEN DOING THIS, like the first pile was doing some of that or did or still had some of that cynical energy getting in their way but pile 2 is like READY and there... and that attitude you're embracing is going to lead to things so big you have no idea.

I think you're going to feel more confident, maybe even sexier, some of you may (if you are interested) will have some hot sexy times coming your way. I really feel this is... soon... and.... summer... and you will be feeling so good there's no way you won't be able to attract some really amazing things or at least some amazing sex.

I think you've spent a lot of time trying to work through your shadow junk and if you haven't already felt the shift, it is coming, um... tomorrow. Oh also Cancer is here, too, so for sure - maybe Cancer-Leo times, get out there, go have fun... also if you have a moon in Leo this is a good time for you I feel... if you're a scorpio with a leo or cancer moon... anyway. You're doing everything right as far as I can see. Keep being open minded, keep saying yes to experiences, even push yourself if you need to (within reason we don't need you to do anything unsafe), but like - someone asks you to a bar and you're like eh i'm tired, maybe reconsider and go well why not. Don't force yourself ofc, but ... just consider more yes's than no's.

You're really bold, you're amazing and powerful, you have excellent prospects for the future, you have so much power, you're ready to embrace change and welcome it and I think things in your life are going to become 32423433553 less tough and complicated than they have been for like the last few years.... but still remember not to just like focus only on the future, just live day by day enjoying and saying yes and any negative thoughts or emotions that come, just... let them flow away or convert them to something positive. I feel like you already know this anyway so I don't need to tell you... And yeah I see you seeing things from a fresh perspective like the card says, seeing yourself and people differently and that's leading to all of this super non-specific gender!boss energy. Like, this is the group I expect to go to festivals out in the middle of nowhere and wear the crop tops and the go go boots and - well, anyway. It's also a very spiritual transition, spiritual awakening that's almost like a whole spiritual makeover... and again I feel like especially Leos and Scorpios may play a significant part for you this summer, too... or maybe their whole big three is some combo of scorpio-cancer-leo. Who knows. In terms of numbers we have 4 and a 6 so a lot more stable harmony coming to you in various areas of life - home, romance, personal happiness... maybe your moods or you didn't feel happy before but now it's not going to be like a mood roller coaster anymore. it's going to be just... a straight line with minimal turbulence.

Way to go!!!!!!!!!

---

Pile 3

Pile 2 has been the only real hype pile, haha, but there's always something to hype. I see elements of pile 1 in this if you were drawn to that but I also see some Pile 2 and I can even tell you why. All three piles had a message about gentleness or compassion or being more kind and understanding to others or ourselves. Pile 2 has the "just live like a knight of wands for a while" energy - and that applies here in that the cards suggest being too analytical and fixed, being too focused on thoughts instead of feelz.

So this deck oddly calls strength lust, i get it but I don't LOVE it though I love this deck. Because lust has a certain connotation I want far away from what I associate with the traditional strength card, but essentially it's more of a lust for life or kind of a divine power or that ace of wands living inside all of us. I also don't like "lust" because it is easy to associate with the devil card and it takes away that "strength" traditionally is the willpower that comes from... overcoming.

So, let's put that aside. Because on the one hand, this reminds me of Leo energy anyway like the previous pile's "go wild" and release overthinking since overthinking leads to fear or stagnation or negative self thoughts or obstacles. What I also read with page of swords and "Lust/Strength" together is that someone who spent a lot of time thinking in a way that led them to act tough or be tough. This could be the remnants of survival mode or whatever environment that made you feel unsafe and so you had to be tough or more mature, almost like YOU WERE the beast always ready to attack and dominate. So it's a two sided coin - on the one hand, yes you want to release the beast but in a free way as opposed to a beastmode bc you're always on the defensive. And that's where the analytical stuff seems to come in BUT at the same time this page of swords is new, so it's like... switching mindsets from beastmode defensive thinking where we're always being cautious and overthinking into... a new mode of thinking in which we embrace our... inner Leo... it's more of that empowerment energy.

Because 8 of cups talks about letting go of something and likely it was this mindset of being guarded or overthinking because the oracles are all very emotional and watery - we have reflect on when you experienced love, gentleness, and last quarter moon in pisces with talk less, feel more, lol. It's pretty straight forward which may mean you're the type to overanalyze for sure, like: omg they said that but what did they mean by that using that tone?

This is pretty clear though - it wants you to have more flexibility with the way that you think compared to how you were thinking in the past. Not because you did anything bad, it's just that the cards want you to see that you're blocking yourself by overthinking or relying too much on logic when the solution or direction you may seek in having a hint of which way to go is... to follow what you feel, not what you think. This is definitely a very heart over head type of message. I think it's also a message to let go of things that are overcomplicated. Some of you may have just broken up with someone or walked away from something more literal, and so there's lots of thinking and confusion or dwelling on the negative or bad relationships from the past keeping you from fully embracing new ones and what your heart wants to do that's why in particular for this pile the mind has been acting as a defense and there's nothing wrong with that because it's a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt and when you're in that energy for some time, then it takes some practice and work in order to come out of it, and that's... allowing yourself to be vulnerable, putting yourself out there, allowing the feelings and emotions to come through more than being anchored down by the mind and what the brain is telling you. Sometimes the brain can even lie or mislead, it tells us what we want to hear, when your emotions are more closely connected to your intuition and downloads or divine messages or direction. The brain is always helpful for practical matters but when it comes to love or emotions or anything related to that - then we need to follow that to kind of show us the light or where we need to go from here or what's out of balance.

I see that you're very tough, totally. Tough cookie, but when you're a tough cookie you can push away other things and I think that type of mindset served you for a while to protect you but now it's time to 8 of cups: Let it go. Say thank you to the self that kept you protected... and remember... how or what about relationships or situations can feel good when you open up or allow vulnerability. It feels good to be in love, it feels good to have someone you trust, it feels good to open up when it's a mature, reciprocal relationship. Not EVERYONE you meet is going to hurt you. Or, you'll never meet the right soul tribe or soulmate if you shut everyone out. But overall, what I feel here is allowing a shift of old thoughts where it was all about acting and being tough or just way too much overthinking and move more into that okay I'm ready to let my guard down, open up at my pace. Slowly is fine too because gentleness and water in general move... slow.... flow... there's no rush so this can be a gentle at your own pace shift. That's why I do sense some recent breakups because we're going from a confusing and heavy thoughts energy into something... more emotional and... kinda heavy as well, but it's like a gentle let go. Maybe you parted on amicable terms, but it doesn't matter the specifics just that become more in touch with how you feel and embrace it as opposed to trying to analyze it.

It's weird though too because your former mindset was tough as nails and this new one coming in is also tough as nails but it's.... healthier or should I say more apropos for the next phase in your life. I think it makes sense for mindsets and emotions to shift depending on phases and what we're going through and giving us time and space as we heal bc if we don't go through that we wouldn't be able to handle the phase after that's like okay time to let those walls down and just like be free and wild again and also remember the lessons we learned if it makes sense to do so so that we don't end up in the same cycle, bc essentially the cycle we're talking about is literally how we get to the strength card anyway? That's why i hate it being called Lust mostly bc it has such a heteronormative connotation or sexual in nature and that has its own... things not that we aren't sex positive but not everyone is ruled by sex either so I like it to sound gender and sex neutral, hmph. I suppose also what's odd about this card is that they're playing a game as if there's like a power struggle happening which is in the guidebook but I guess I just can't relate to that imagery... I don't see strength as just mentally overcoming your adversary or fears or even physically for sure bc this is all about inner strength.... and yeah you grow inner strength from overcoming battles and spiritual foes in the sense of fear or anger, etc... it's all about conquering that inner beast... soapbox aside. still relevant...

Yeah, so... you're doing great and... in the strength card, I see the work and progress, maybe even it took that type of strength to walk away from someone or something, too in the sense that you just aren't feeling it anymore and you know and feel in your heart it's time to move on (from a person or relationship or job or situationship)... and maybe to walk away you have to be... tough and mentally prepare yourself and then be gentle with the other person if you break up with them or gentle with yourself if you feel guilty. you've outgrown it and that's okay and the best advice is to just listen to your heart, act gently and with compassion to whomever is involved, but - do what you gotta do. it's time to stop just thinking about doing the thing, and actually take action and go for it. in particular, there may be some words that need to be said in this situation as well so yeah there may be some of you who have fallen out of love and need to break up with someone... so yeah those are all the potential scenarios i see for pile 3 even if i could keep going. take what resonates, leave the rest.

#tarot #pick a card #hype messages #spiritual advice #astrology #tarot reader #love #relationships #career

[this-is-not-a-slow-burn]

"I neeed to creaaaate". But first I must gather.

One of the biggest hurdles to creating things with my hands is the process of gathering supplies. It saps me of the motivation to actually do the thing the supplies are for.

The reasons behind this are probably ADHD and dopamine related, but that's for another post.

But yesterday I had a revelation.

looong post with images under the cut!

TL;DR Make baskets or boxes that have all the supplies you will need for a single type of project, so they can just be picked up and used.

So we all know that being organized can make things easier. But when the ADHD strikes, no amount of organizing can solve the issue completely.

Case in point. All of my art supplies are organized by type. All of the alcohol markers, felt tip markers, fine liners, colored pencils, regular pencils, brush tip pens, pastels, etc are mostly on one shelf (frequently used are in a desktop carousel), all of the paper is organized by type: card stock, (further organized by plain, textured, or patterned, and all are color sorted, etc) blank printer paper, origami paper, velum. Below that are the notebook/pad style art papers, watercolor, sketch, bristol, plus canvases, and sheets of watercolor paper. All adhesives are in one drawer. There is a "idk where the fuck this belongs" drawer with those odds and ends that are important but solo in their class. There are magzine holders full of journals and sketchbooks, reference books

blahblahblah

(those totes in the left cube are not transparent. the table reflection makes them look that way though)

Great! Yay! Hooray! You can find what you need pretty quickly!

:|

Yes. But.

Art making and crafting isn't a mono medium. You see posts that say things like "all you need is a pencil and paper!" and sure yes, that's technically true. However my brain fills in with ....and an eraser, and you need a flat surface, and the paper has to be the right kind, the right size, what kind of sketch is this? what hardness of pencil do you need? Is there enough light in the room? Do you need references?

(yes I even torment myself with the "well akshully" stuff)

The art I make is rife with "parts", like painting (paints, palette, water, brushes, paper towels, surface to be painted on, apron) collage (base medium/substrate, image sources, adhesives for different types of paper, scissors, craft blade) sewing (fabric, shears, needles, thread, buttons, elastic, zippers, velcro, hook and eyes, snaps, ribbon, lace...) , etc.

(I do have most of the printmaking stuff in one container so that's a start...)

what's that saying about how a messy desk is the sign of a creative person?

The process of "shopping" my shelves for what is needed seems to derail any motivation. It feels like maybe my brain is happy with the idea of creating, and that's good enough. Like gathering the stuff is the goal, and having satisfied that, my brain dumps dopamine all over. Which is way less than ideal. (I am very guilty of the "I thought about doing it and am just as satisfied as if I had done it." thing. It's awful.)

SO. Then yesterday, while looking for something else, I came across a wire basket full of the supplies I had gathered to do a sewing project in bed, and I thought, that was so smart. how handy.

And I realized that I could do that with ALL of my supplies! Or at least, make up some project baskets with everything one would need to do that thing, all ready to go. So when an idea comes to mind I can just grab the basket and sit down for some art time, instead of chipping away at the urge one shelf at a time.

I sort of did this with a tackle box style of art tote, and a bunch of collage images, pens, and stickers, but it's not quite there.

(pictured: a halfassed unintentional attempt at this idea. plus a bunch of scraps that were pissing me off and got tossed in "rage")

It will be great for those times when the urge to make something comes up, but not a specific thing, just that "I neeed to creaaaate" blinking neon sign that can be so fleeting. Grab a basket and satisfy the need without distracting faffing about.

Obviously I'm not the first one to ever do this, and pre-school teachers are probably giggling at me for only just now thinking of this, but hey. We all learn at different speeds :p

(Oh, and I promise the fabric and desk will be at least a little bit less messy this weekend :3 )

#Beating the ADHD motivation sapper #Make craft project baskets! #Art #Art supplies #Motivation #Creative #Creativity #Create #Headspace for creating #ADHD #Paint #sewing #collage

[marshmonaut]

Grimoire- Chapter Three

Link to Wattpad:

Well, it’s fourth period, once again. There they are, once again. Sitting in the same spot they always do in this class. I always counted it as divine luck that we were given the same class for history, but then they never acknowledged my existence. What else is new for me though? Then again, they never really acknowledge anyone, except the “Rainbow Child.” They just stare out the window the whole time. Actually, I think this is the only class those two don’t share. 

I wonder what they’re always thinking about when they space out like that? They always look so...sad. Like they’re constantly surrounded by storm clouds, even when it’s sunny and clear out. Maybe I can ask them at lunch. Wait no, I can’t just go up and ask them something like that. Maybe if I ask the Rainbow Child to ask her for me? No, they’ll think I’m even more of a loser if I do that, if not a stalker, especially after this morning. Wait, am I still staring at them? I am. Dude, stop being such a creep! Plus, I need to pay attention to the teacher or I’m going to fail this next test. 

However, right as I’m thinking this, they snap their head around and their eyes lock onto mine. They narrow their eyes when they notice me looking at them. That coldness is still there. Crap! Now they know I was staring. Ok, just keep it cool man. Just start looking around so it doesn’t seem like you were looking at them...even though you totally were. Geez, they’ll never-

“Mr. Einar, can you repeat the last thing I just said?” I nearly jump out of my skin as I whip my head around to address the teacher’s sudden question. I have no idea what she just said. Maybe I can make something up?

“Uhhhh…..” I manage to mutter out as I feel myself start to flush that oh-so-embarrassing shade of bright red. Good job brain, you’re really helping me put here!

“Uh huh, as I thought.” She lowers her glasses on the bridge of her nose to peer out at me from over them. The long ruler that she had been using to point to the board with was now tapping impatiently on its surface. “Look, I know global economics might not be as interesting as far off kingdoms or made up fairytales to you,” she says while slowly turning to face the class. Putting her hands on her desk, still staring at me from over the rims of her glasses, she continues, “but in my class they are just as important and I’d like for you to at least pay some attention to the lessons.”

“Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am,” I mumble and shrink down further in my seat. I try to force myself to look forward and absorb what was on the board. As the lesson goes on, however, all I can think about is those emerald eyes. Such an intense look. I don’t even know that person’s name but somehow, their eyes have the ability to entrance me like nothing else. It feels like I could fall into them forever, like getting lost in an endless forest. It’s almost...intoxicating. And a little scary.

Ok dude. Seriously. Am I even listening to myself? That’s it, later at lunch I am going to talk to them. I at least need to ask their name and apologize again for mowing them down. “I also have to give them back this book.” When this thought pops into my head, I reach down into my backpack to check if the ancient-looking leatherbound journal, which I had stowed away, was still there. It was, safe and sound. Good. They dropped it and left it behind when we crashed in the hall earlier this morning, but I was too busy drooling like a mute idiot to give it to them. And I was almost late to the only class we share, this one, because I ran into some…issues after gym class. But, at least one of those things will be changing come lunch time.

*   *   *

“Oh no. OH NO! Where is it?!” I say as I dump the contents of my bag onto the table in front of Wendy’s tray. The students bustling about around us don’t even look our way as my outburst is drowned out by the noise of the cafeteria. It’s one of the few times a day here that no one cares about what I’m doing, which is just fine by me. Especially now.

“Where’s what?” Wendy half speaks, half garbles out the question as she munches on what she calls a “Marshmallow Munchie” sandwich. One piece of bread has rows of apple jelly, nutella, and marshmallow fluff while the other has columns of cashew butter, pretzel pieces, and mashed bananas. ‘That way, each bit has a different flavor and texture combination! It’s like a carnival in my mouth!’ I recalled her saying quite proudly when I asked her why in the Realms she would make something like that, let alone eat it. 

It’s quite an ingenious concoction actually and pretty delicious when you try it. I also remember being impressed at how creatively she got around her peanut allergy with the cashew butter, which I hadn’t heard of until that day. Where I’m from, she could be a brilliant potion maker if she wanted to be. I continue looking around me as Wendy washes her lunch down with some strawberry milk and then gives me a questioning look.

“My book! That old journal-looking thing I always carry around with me?” I say as I continue to frantically search through my things. I should have already found it by now, but my panic is driving me to check through the same three books over and over again.

“The leather one? Oh yeah, I didn’t see you with it today. Weird,” she says as she begins trying to rip open her package of miniature frosted animal cookies. When she couldn’t use her fingernails successfully, she began tearing into it with her teeth and making little snarling noises. If I wasn’t so panicked, I would have laughed at the little happy dance that followed her success this time around.

“This. Is. BAD. I NEED to find that book, Wendy. Like, yesterday.” I say and place my head into my hands to rub my temples and begin thinking. I close my eyes. Ok, breathe. I just need to retrace my steps. I had it this morning in my hands when I walked out the door. I was carrying it tightly on the way to school. I had it walking into school. Then, I was putting it into my inner jacket pocket when I walked in the door and crashed into…My eyes snap open.

“THAT KID!” I practically scream into Wendy’s face as the realization hits me. Her eyes widen in shock and she jumps a little in her seat in response. “Sorry, that was loud.” I pat her shoulder to comfort her before continuing. “I just remembered that before I saw you this morning, some kid ran into me and knocked me over. All of our stuff went flying and I guess I didn’t notice that my book skittered off somewhere. Craaaaaap,” I sigh with frustration and lay my head back down onto the table dejectedly. “Now I have to go hunt it-” 

“Uh, hey…” says a vaguely familiar interrupting voice. Wendy and I both snap our heads up simultaneously and stare up at the source of the noise. By some grace of graces, it was the same scrawny looking person from earlier, the one I had run into this morning in the hall. “You, uh, dropped this. Earlier. When I, uh, ran into you. Well, more like you were a brick wall and I was a wrecking ball and I knocked you down. Not to say that you’re, uh, built like a brick wall or anything. Also, not to say that you aren’t, erm, strong or anything. I’m sure you’re very strong! I just, ah…I-I’m...going to shut up now. Here,” they say and then shove something into my hands. 

Before I can say anything, they begin to quickly walk away as I look down at the object I am now holding. It’s…my book! Holy crap, they had it this whole time? And they brought it back to me? It doesn’t look severely damaged or even a little dirty from the floor. The seal doesn’t even look like they attempted to open it. Did they take care of this until they could give it back to me? Maybe this kid isn’t so bad after all. Well good, now I just have to be more careful with this thing. If it ended up with the wrong people I would never forgive myself. The less people that interact with both it and me the be-

“Hey wait! C’mere for a sec’ will ya? What’s your name kid?” Wendy’s voice jolts me out of my own head as she calls out after the delivery person. They turn around slowly, a look of confusion and, I wanna say hope? Yeah, hope, mixed on their face.

“Avalon. Avalon Einar, but my friends call me Lonnie. Er, they would anyway, if…” They trial off and look down at their feet as they reach their hand out. I stare at it, wondering what the heck they want me to do with it. They aren’t holding anything anymore so, what am I looking at?

“Uh…” I say. This is when Wendy, after looking back and forth between us, sighs exaggeratedly and rolls her eyes.

“Oh boy…” I hear her whisper, a little amusedly, under her breath. She takes their hand and gestures for them to take a seat next to her, but farthest from me. “I’m Wendy Aberra. My pronouns are she/her/they. And this eloquent creature,” she makes some elaborate hand waves towards me, as if showing me off, “is Solara Nightshade. Also she/her/they, right RaRa? Just, don’t call her by her full first name unless you want a broken rib.” 

Wendy giggles and winks at me when she notices me glaring at her a little. She knows she’s one of the few people who can call me either of those names, but that doesn’t mean I want her introducing me with them. She takes my hand in her other free one, her arms criss crossed in front of her body, and shakes both before resuming her attack on the tiny sugary creatures in front of her. Lonnie blanches a bit but lets out a small chuckle and nods his head in understanding. 

“Just Sola, thanks. And yeah, that’s right Wendy. Thanks for the intro,” I say curtly, indicating that I was pretty much done with this conversation. Wendy, on the other hand, was more than happy to keep things going. 

“Oh, what are your pronouns, Lonnie? I like to ask everyone when we meet for the first time!” Despite my efforts to seem closed off and uninterested in the conversation, Wendy has a way of drawing people in towards her. She’s so bubbly and friendly that once you get her to start talking, which isn’t hard to be fair, you can’t help but want to keep her talking. I can see Lonnie being drawn in by the same effect and I ease up a little. Anyone who is nice to Wendy can get a little grace from me, I guess.

“Oh, uh, I guess they would be he/him for me? I never really thought about it before but I guess I would go with those,” Lonnie replies as he begins to set his backpack down on the floor and open it. “You said your last name is Nightshade? As in Mr. Nightshade, the Paranormal Studies teacher?” He’s looking directly at me with those sapphires again and I almost forget my own name for a second when we lock gazes. He’s pulled out some napkins and utensils to set on the table in front of him. Now, he’s starting to pull something else out from his backpack as he waits for my answer. 

I need to answer carefully. After all, I have no idea who this kid is or how much he already knows about me. I don’t need anymore trouble coming my dad’s way because of me, either. Before I can give him a convincing lie, though, I hear Wendy pipe up excitedly. 

“OHMYGOSH EVERYONE SHUT UP! CAN WE TALK ABOUT YOUR LUNCHBOX FOR A MINUTE?!” She practically screams out her words as she spots the metal box that Lonnie has placed on the table in front of him. He looks shocked once more and starts to stutter, like his brain had malfunctioned with the sudden burst of attention. “Where did you get that? I NEED a unicorn version like, last century!” Wendy continues to gush over the box, her eyes wide with childlike awe as she looks up and down between it and Lonnie.

“Er, well, actually I made it myself. I bought the metal box blank off of Amazon, but I painted all the different scenes on it myself by hand,” he replies, puffing out his chest a little with pride. Just like that, the topic has shifted from me and onto the various pictures of what turns out to be some pretty impressively drawn epic battle scenes of knights, dragons, and princesses on his lunchbox. When he turns the lunch box around for Wendy to inspect better, I see that they’re all differing twists on the classic tropes. In one scene, the princess is rescuing the knight from the dragon. In another, the dragon is dressed in armor and rescuing the knight from a demonoid princess with wings. They all look professionally done, so it’s probably the reason why it caught Wendy’s eye, given her proclivity for art. 

This is also reason number five-thousand-seven-hundred-and-three for why Wendy is the best friend ever. I bet she could sense my discomfort at the attention and shifted the focus to make me feel better. She’s always been acutely aware of other’s emotions, but especially mine, even back when we first met. It always feels like we can talk to each other in our own language, without even looking at each other, just by feeling each other’s vibes. Like we can read each other’s thoughts. She’s also always been a spot on character detector, which is why I feel ok easing up around Lonnie, for now. I can tell that she doesn’t seem to view him as a threat. For the rest of lunch, I look on as they excitedly talk about the legends of King Aurthur, Merlin, and how awesome it would be if magic was actually real. If only they knew.

#grimoire #chapter three #ya novels #aspiring author #new author #new #original work #action #adventure #horror #romance #witches #wattpad #modern fiction #modern fantasy #magic #first person pov #multiple povs

[callipraxia]

Well, folks, here it is. The ATOTS review. It...really could not have been done together with the NWHS review, that was a silly idea. Here is a link to a Google doc with the previous S2 reviews arranged in chronological order, if you want to catch up on those (not sure many people saw the second part of the NWHS review) and don't want to deal with wading through tags and reblogs of reblogs and such. That said...

A Tale of Two Stans

1) And now here we are. A Tale of Two Stans. Aka, the episode that proves you can break the “writing rules” if you’re good enough, since an info-dump like this would normally be a no-no, and yet…well, here we go:

2) Aww, tiny Ford. Why would there be a boarded up stash of mesoamerican gold in New Jersey? Did you also do that thing Dipper does where sometimes he doesn’t really know what a big word means? Possible reference to the whole mesoamerican salamander thing? 

3) Oh, Ford did kinda make it into the opening sequence, didn’t he? Last picture to fall on the stack before the title card of the Mystery Crew. Kinda fitting, given that despite being very important from here on out, he still holds himself a bit aloof from most of the cast for the majority of that time. 

4) I know why the writers had to include that awkward “brother!” line (so people catching up would remember, “oh, yeah, Stan said that this person was the Author of the Journals and his brother…and then the camera revealed he meant twin brother,” and so they could avoid calling Ford anything for a little while), but it was just…awkward. We see in flashbacks that Stan did sometimes call him “Stanford,” so I have to wonder if anyone would have noticed had Stan gotten halfway through the word and then gotten socked in the jaw. Or heck, even just called him “Ford” - though I’ve gathered that enough of the fandom had already guessed there were twins and one was called Stanley by this point that they might have actually said “wait, what?” upon Stan bringing forth “his” rarely-heard second syllable at the sight of his brother. 

5) …And then you see that however clubby they were in the flashback, something has clearly gone Very Wrong in the interim. Or would that be apparent to someone viewing this in isolation, I wonder? Stan’s repeatedly remarked that he’s been working on his project for thirty years, and Powers had previously implied that the machine did…something…thirty years ago in “Scaryoke.” Perhaps someone thought Mr. Mysterious Man With No Name was just very, very confused…and then got to the rest of the episode. 

…Though once you’ve seen the rest of the series and especially if you’ve spent far, far too much of your life dissecting Ford’s character on a molecular level, it is noteworthy in its way that all he did was punch Stan. Does he have a bit of a “do not shoot people who closely resemble relatives” policy? Considering the things we know about the multiverse, such a policy could probably have gotten him killed fifteen times over even assuming he didn’t stumble into a parallel Earth where the Shapeshifter had escaped, eaten Stan, and set up shop just to wait for the person it *really* wanted to kill to come back….

Hm. If the Shapeshifter stayed in one form for long enough, would it age the way that form would? I have no idea, my brain is wandering off on tangents again. Anyway, back to the episode. 

6) I am…unsure what to make of the fact Ford a) instantly recognized this individual as ‘his’ Stan, despite being aware of others existing, b) immediately figured out Stan is responsible for the portal restarting, without even checking to see if there are other people in the room, implying he isn’t altogether surprised that Stan would do this, and c) gets mad about it and launches into an argument as though picking right back up where he left off thirty years ago. And Stan goes straight from…all kind of emotions to sarcasm “some kind of…sci-fi sideburn dimension?”) with just as little hesitation. 

7) “Just because you’re family.” Dang, this makes Stan’s outburst at the end of the episode that much more painful to think about. 

8) “Stan, you didn’t tell me there were children down here.” That…would have been one of the upsides of giving the guy time to say…much of anything before you started yelling, Ford. Just saying.

9) Oh gosh, poor Dipper. Just…poor Dipper. 

10) “Also maybe the entire U.S. government.” “The WHAT?!” That…was some pretty impressive lede-burying, Stan. 

11) “Okay, it’s all right.” There’s Ford, never wanting to admit he’s completely lost control of the situation (I might not have noticed this, but happen to have reread the Ford essay of doom this morning)

12) Gotta compliment the animators on the scene where Ford (completely unaware he’s doing so) drops the bombshell that he’s not Stanley. The camera isn’t really focused on Stan in particular, but he has an utterly “oh [redacted] this is gonna go over like a lead balloon” expression on his face even before Mabel says his name is Stanford.

13) You know Stan was deliberately crafting his retelling of his childhood, focusing on the boat and how they were always a team and etc. Of course, we know from later sections that Stan isn’t necessarily telling the kids everything he remembers (he may not have narrated the scene with Crampelter to them, for instance) but his wording in the speaking bits are clearly trying to remind Ford of “good times.” 

14) If you look closely, when Stan jumps into the science fair picture, Ford momentarily looks…something. An expression of consternation is observable. Considering what he later says to Dipper about how being a twin’s a very claustrophobic experience, and the fact they both get called to the office when only one of them was wanted…yeah, I’m going with the theory that Ford wasn’t quite as happy as Stan might have liked to think for a while before the Incident proved the straw that broke the camel’s back. In the beach scene, Tiny Ford muses on whether there is a place where “freaks like me” fit in. I think this sums up a subtle but important difference in the characters: Ford wanted to find a place in society that would accept him, while Stan’s goal was just to get away from it and find a place where neither of them would need acceptance anymore. Which makes it interesting that Ford’s sometimes perceived as the ‘loner’ twin - Ford himself might want to think that, but truth is, he’s wanted to be amongst people since he was a small child, he just couldn’t figure out their social behaviors well enough to remotely compensate for having an unusual physical feature. On one hand, he can function much better when he’s truly on his own than Stan can, but on the other, one reason why Bill might have found Stan harder to manipulate is because of how very exclusive the list of people with opinions Stan actually cares about seems to be. He’s much more comfortable being an outsider…just so long as he has that little group of people on his side. Without them, however…not so much.

15) Why on Earth did the receptionist call “Pines twins” instead of just one of them? Was it just assumed Stan would show up whether called or not (if only out of confusion), or just a habit of everyone treating them as so much of a unit that even the school staff had to remind itself “oh, yeah, this isn’t actually some ‘person with two personalities’ deal, they’re separate people who are in fact capable of walking down hallways independently.”

16) Oh gosh, I just now noticed that the ears are drawn just as…blank things, and now I can’t unsee it. 

17) Hi, Principal Guy? I hate you. Just for the record. I think Caryn might agree with me; blink and you’ll miss it, but she clearly gives the guy some kind of Look when he gets to that “and his name’s Stanley” bit, and it could be interpreted as a glare.

(18) Seriously, this...the school sections just anger me for very specific reasons...not least of which is how, er, close to accurate it kinda is in some ways, regardless of how far off it is in others. I have relatives in the same age range as the Stans. One of them once had a teacher snidely remark that he’d pull the hood of his sweater up over his head, too, if he was as ugly as her; he then punished her for said rule infraction by making her walk home after school in the rain. The guy was eventually made to apologize to her very unimpressed and irate mother, but the fact remains – he felt perfectly comfortable saying that out loud to a student’s face in the seventies, just as Ford is the only person in the room here who seems to fully realize ‘wait, that was...not really so much a compliment to me as a setup for insulting Stan, and that’s kinda messed up from both directions.’ Now, I work in education, so I know the system is still seriously screwed up in lots of ways...but at least there would be a reasonable expectation of negative consequences for anyone who said something like that to a student or parent these days.)

19) Setting, briefly, aside how much I’d like to kick the principal character and then give him a lengthy lecture on why he sucks as an educator on every possible front...his remarks about Stan potentially not finishing high school are the reason why I’ve always favored the timeline which puts this in the second half of their junior year of high school instead of their senior year. If it was senior year, after all, then Stan could have continued to coast on Ford’s papers for the rest of the term, or – in the extremely unlikely event Ford just went straight to college without passing Go or collecting 200 diplomas or anything like that – just the school handwaving him through. It only makes sense if he had at least a solid, not-started semester left to fail spectacularly in, and a year left seems more reasonable.

20) This would, however, mean that Filbrick did not kick one of his kids out a couple of months before the kid was eighteen (which still would have been a deplorable thing to do), but a sixteen-year-old. So yeah, kicks and lectures to Filbrick, too.

21) Stan, you’re breaking my heart here. How. Many. Times. In this review set have I mentioned that you’d solve a lot more of your problems if you just told people what they were instead of being defensive and making attempts at jokes and just generally deflecting the situation. I mean, you probably weren’t going to get the outcome you wanted even if you had communicated, but you might have not, y’know, gotten disowned as a teenager, thrown out on the street, and left to fend for yourself and therefore almost inevitably slip into a life of crime.

22) If Stan didn’t intentionally smash the thing, he...probably shouldn’t have phrased the lead-up to the Science Fair Incident that way in his voice-over.

23) it’s kind of interesting to note how far back Stan’s tendency to talk to inanimate objects goes - one assumes he was projecting Ford onto the Journals when he would seemingly monologue to those, but who was he really talking to when he told the machine it was “all your fault!” Thinking back on what I said in my “Little Gift Shop of Horrors” reviews…his attempts to dissociate Ford’s academic giftedness from his base personality, his inability to communicate…it’s tempting to wonder if he’s kind of speaking to Ford when he’s ranting at the machine, too. He might not realize it consciously - would probably go to any lengths to avoid recognizing the fact, actually - but….

24) A lot of people have commented on how stupid the college admissions board bit is (how it’s extremely implausible that they wouldn’t at least look over the work he put into the thing, how they give their school a bad name being rude, etc.), but have an extra point from me: why was an asterfladjik perpetual motion machine being kept right out in the open with the other science fair projects, anyway? For all we know, Crampelter did the majority of the damage in the interim just for spite or something. Or Blendin, or...get the picture? The irresponsibility of whoever was in charge of the exhibits is probably at least as much to blame as anyone else for things going awry there.

25) Stan cost “our family” potential millions. Not “your brother.” “Our family.” The Pines tendency toward groupthink really isn’t just a Stan and Mabel thing, they all have it to some degree – unless, of course, one interprets things as uncharitably as possible, in which case Filbrick and Stan might both use “our family” and “this family” as a cover for “me,” to make a totally selfish objective look better….

Yeah, I know I say I have fun doing it, and I do – but too much character analysis can…kinda start to get to you after a while. Become involuntary. Prompt you to put forward these possibilities in public, as if you were still in English 400-something…Engage with caution, kids.

26) Pity Stan didn’t actually, y’know, go into sales. He managed to a) come up with a convincing-looking product as a teenager with no resources, b) presumably talk his way into an opportunity to pitch it to TV, and c) actually sell what looks like a decent number of fake clothes cleaners and shoddy pitchforks. And then just. Keep. doing it. Over and over again (the map showing glimpses of his travels indicates he got into horse racing at some point, doubtless losing his shirt as one generally eventually does when gambling, and…we probably don’t even want to know why he was being chased by guys with machetes outside the country, do we, but apparently he was also hawking lousy tennis rackets in his twenties along with the previously-viewed StanVac.). In a legit sales job, he might well have done all right for himself….

Except, of course, for it being…tricky to get a job outside of manual labor/something in a plant or mill without a diploma, and, perhaps even more importantly…Stan being Stan. His personality would render him utterly unsuited to joining a sewing plant or a cotton mill, at the very least, even if he’d been so inclined (I don’t know much about meat-packing plants or anything like that, but three generations of my family worked in the same sewing plant; decent living, but you had to have social skills more advanced than any of the Pineses demonstrated to flourish in such an environment, and of course you’d never get rich at it), and possibly for working closely with others/in a subordinate position at all. Despite his lack of self-esteem, Stan does not take orders especially well; we see when he tries and fails to call Ford for help (and then lies about it to the kids) that he’s proud as well as touchy and someone who just fundamentally…struggles to stay within the lines dictated by normal society, really. Perhaps it’s a mental illness or other mental issue (his shoplifting could well be indicative of a compulsive tendency as well as his depression and possible Issues post-homelessness, and when his behavior is looked at as a whole, I imagine it would be quite easy to make a case for him as someone with one of the major personality disorders, especially given his extreme emotional volatility. He could also reasonably be interpreted as having ADHD, with an emphasis on the poor-impulse-control aspect. Most likely, there’s more than one thing a psychiatrist could put a label on going on with him, really), but one gets the impression that Stan just…cannot help himself, or at least finds it extremely difficult to do so. Independent business probably really was his best option, all things considered - though under better circumstances, it might have consisted of something like “eventually taking over the business from the old man” or some joint venture with one of his brothers, not, er, endless con games and dodgy product sales. 

27) I do not wish to recall how much time I spent trying to google “universities that were viewed as always second-choice schools in the seventies” and similar terms, trying to pin down where Backupsmore might be/what it might be vaguely based on. 

28) It’s also interesting to contemplate…sure, a kid might want to go to CalTech, and, for whatever reason, might not manage. This does not mean said kid could not still get into a really excellent school which could just as easily be someone else’s first choice…which, frankly, it’s hinted Backupsmore…might have been, looked at from a more objective perspective than Ford’s? Perhaps it didn’t have the good publicity of some others, but Ford seems to have flourished there both academically and (by his standards) socially. That’s where he met Fiddleford, someone he considers even brighter than himself. They had a DDMD group, and this resulted in him noting in the Journal that he had ‘friends’, plural. He made rapid progress in his studies and wrote a nationally-ranked doctoral thesis in at least one of the hard sciences at an age when a lot of folks are still working on undergraduate (we’re never given an exact number, but based on a combination of him noting that he is “in his thirties” six years after arriving in Gravity Falls and a lot of googling about how long standard programs in various areas last, I’m…guessing that to be as far ahead as he says he was, he was probably around 23-24. At most.). This is where he also apparently, for reasons unknown, a) participated in a competition to invent mind control devices for a politician and b) even knew that was what the competition was for, which was…interesting (in a fic, I made this a plot point by saying the people who sponsored that program were from the same government agency as Powers and Trigger). It’s understandable why he might be bitter about having a golden opportunity to go to The Very Best snatched away almost as soon as it was presented to him, but it doesn’t seem like Backupsmore was really all that bad of a school. The dorms comment…I never lived in a dorm, but my understanding is that it’s quite common for them to have these sorts of problems, even at good schools. Just one of those “communal living” things, particularly when the residents are at one of those ages where a lot of them are not much invested in keeping their environments clean and tidy. 

29) Tea club represent! (I am…quite enthusiastic on the subject of hot tea, so I notice when characters have it. Especially when they are Americans, as this can imply that some thought was put into the decision to draw that instead of a coffee cup)

30) “Just…going to ignore that.” Oh, gosh, poor Dipper. It’s funny - if you just watched this episode, you’d walk away with the impression Mabel and Ford were going to get along fabulously while Ford thought “...what is wrong with that one?” about Dipper. But for Gompers, I guess….

31) Just saying…Fiddleford apparently had a pretty nice house. Unless, of course, the implication is that he, Emma-May, and Tate were literally living in the garage and that the house belonged to someone else, but this seems unlikely. He also seems to have had some business going on his own already, plus whatever Emma-May might have brought in (I’ve written her as a schoolteacher before, and there’s no reason, really, why she shouldn’t be in much any profession one might wish to place her in. It was 1980. Everybody was on the Pill and women were allowed to have private bank accounts even after marriage. Maybe she was the breadwinner, I’m just noting that Fiddleford hardly seems to have been a starving visionary, one way or another)

32) I love the implication that Ford didn’t bother with comments like “hello” or “this is Stanford,” but just sprang “multi-dimensional meta-vortex” on Fiddleford in the first sentence…and Fiddleford just instantly did the calculations in his head to determine it “mathematically feasible” without missing a beat. 

33) In the field of detail work - it could be interpreted differently at the time, but we see Fiddleford being a little sloppy with where he put his feet, and them both looking grim just before launching the dummy - all in keeping with the eventual reveals that they were both extremely sleep-deprived and had just had a nasty quarrel the night before. 

34) Hate to say it, Stan, but…frame of mind your brother was in at the time, I wouldn’t have entirely ruled out biting under the right circumstances. 

35) Stan is the quickest man on two feet with a snappy comeback. Not always to his benefit, but guess you gotta work with the skills you have.

36) Ford, on one hand, you’re quite right - Stan really does have no idea what you’re up against. He exists, at this point, 90% in the mundane world, where things are…usually not as dramatic as they are in yours. Out of context, it sounds like you’re just complaining that you have dangerous enemies; Stan’s response to the mailman a few days earlier was to grab a baseball bat on the assumption that anyone who knocked on his door would be an enemy, so that much, he gets completely. On the other hand, Stan is also right - you really do have no idea what he’s been through. Heck, you both robbed the United States government and he’s the only one who got caught for it; I highly doubt you’d been to any prison (at least at this point), much less a South American prison in the seventies, and things were going pretty well for you until…well, frankly, they hadn’t been going all that well for the past two years, but you didn’t realize it until much more recently. On yet another hand, though, Stan - you looked concerned a mere scene ago that Ford might be going off the deep end, and you were kinda right about that. Man answered the door rambling about people stealing his eyes, and he just handed you some tatty, ragged-looking handwritten book that he’d glued a silhouette of his own hand onto like some kind of grade school art project, all while rambling about how you had to take it to the ends of the Earth to prevent terrible destruction. If you know about Bill, of course, this is all perfectly logical…but without that knowledge, Ford doesn’t look like someone being insensitive here, he looks like someone suffering from severe paranoid delusions, possibly having some kind of psychotic episode. Either way, it’s quite obvious there’s something…Very Wrong. 

But then we get back to the theme, boys: communication. Do some of that sometime, won’t you? I mean, you’ve tried everything else, you might as well give this a shot, yeah?

(In real terms, though…this scene is one of the painfully realistic ones. Neither party is thinking straight; for various reasons, neither party may be capable of thinking straight for a sustained amount of time. As an adult who’s seen some Stuff, Stan realizes that there is something…wrong…here…but even leaving aside how frightening it would be to find a relative in that state, and how much you’d try to deny it was as bad as it was by analogizing it to Caryn on a caffeine overdose, this is just Not Something Stan Is Remotely Equipped To Deal With, and wouldn’t really be equipped to deal with even if he didn’t have so many issues of his own. We don’t know how long he’s been traveling, but traveling will wear you out quick enough, and we know the state Ford was in. Neither of them was in anything like any condition to control his temper well even if either had had a better track record than they do, and so, you’ve got two people with anger issues who are playing with incomplete decks here, and who have a lot of personal history…one starts talking over the other, they’re exchanging shots now instead of actually discussing the issue, then next thing you know…yeah. I’ve never actually had it come to blows, but I’ve had a lot of arguments with relatives which played out depressingly similarly, where you’re trying to make a point and the other person jumps in with something else and next thing you know, neither of you is talking about the original subject at all anymore, you’re yelling about something seemingly unrelated. Or possibly even two totally different subjects at once, even though both of you think you’re on the same topic. That’s always…fun….) 

37) I know I was defending Backupsmore a few items ago, but, uh…they didn’t have a single lab safety class in there, Ford? And/or they let you in the lab after you failed one in epic fashion? Cause everything about this screams “I never read the lab safety rules in my life!” 

38) I also have to wonder if…more than just errors that are attributable to Ford being bad at lab safety was at work here, though. Fiddleford put half a foot over the safety line and got sucked in; Stan ran over it and almost to the base of the thing without it affecting him even as Ford, in the same moments, a) could throw a book hard enough to overcome the gravity suspension but b) could not stop himself from going through the Portal. 

39) “That’ll be 99 cents.” Ways You Know This Was Set Before I Was Born….

40) Y’know, I never realized it, but…Lazy Susan changed the course of history. Stan presumably would have either left the store without buying anything or (it is Stan, after all) tried to punch Ma Duskerton in the face before running out the door with the loaf of bread in question if Susan hadn’t happened to mistake him for Ford…and then Toby and Blubbs started telling stories about the “mysterious science guy”’s reputation…and next thing you know, Stan has created the basic idea for the Mystery Shack out of pure desperation. If that hadn’t happened, then nothing else in canon could have proceeded to happen: Stan would probably be dead or permanently in prison by now, Ford would have mysteriously disappeared without a trace when the Northwest Realty people finally came to knock down the door to demand overdue mortgage payments, and Dipper and Mabel would never have come to town. Aside from issues of prophecy and destiny and all that, there’s also just how it’s implied this is the first time Dipper’s had friends…basically ever. They both do a lot of personal growth over that summer, especially him, which they wouldn’t have had otherwise. All because of Lazy Susan, of all people. 

41) 1982. Bread costs 99 cents per loaf. And they all just forked over fifteen dollars apiece. That was rather good money in those days, no wonder Stan’s eyes did that thing upon seeing it presented to him. 

41) Oh, Lazy Susan also inspired “Mr. Mystery”? Dang, Susan, you are surprisingly important! 

42) I’ve noted it before, but I’ll note it again: look at the surroundings of Stan’s mirror in the aging montage. At first, we see a bunch of papers about Stan himself. Next shot, still a lot of papers about Stan/his business, but he’s also taped a picture of himself and Ford as small children to the wall beside it - motivation, I suppose. Then in the final shot, he’s replaced his own “Employee of the ‘Month’ plaque with one declaring Soos the Employee of the Year, and where the picture of himself and Ford was, there’s now a framed photograph of Dipper and Mabel on the fishing trip. I’ll be the first to point out his occasionally questionable motives and ethics and multitude of character flaws, but credit where credit is due: man built a life for himself through genuine work (hey, making up tall tales is a valid job, what else do you call what authors do?)...and then was prepared to throw it all out the window, as he *had* to know that there were going to be…issues…with having killed off his original identity if he really did get Ford back/when Ford got back and saw the length of ‘his’ alleged rap sheet for the past thirty years. He had some personal motivations, of course (he felt guilty about what had happened; he wanted the relationship they’d had as children back; etc), but considering how much he had to lose by 2012, it’s hard not to give Stan some credit when deciding whether or not he genuinely thought he was doing the right thing. 

43) “The town. My family. Your parents. Even you kids.” Ah, this is why I assumed that Stan was just airbrushed out of the family’s collective memory after his disownment and that nobody knew he was really Stanley all those years - he lumps ‘your parents’ and ‘you kids’ together as distinct units, implying that ‘my family’ would mean his own parents and presumably the twins’ grandfather. Also, I find Ford’s expression very difficult to interpret here. 

44) And then there’s one of those moments when it’s hinted that Dipper and Stan are a lot more alike than either of them might be fully comfortable with - as soon as he’s heard the story, Dipper instantly apologizes for his…actually extremely reasonable doubts and anger in the first part of the episode. It’s not just that even Stan would have trouble believing a tale as tall as the truth of his life: it’s that Stan never told them a tale to begin with, which just left them to draw their own conclusions. I…really can’t think of a sensible interpretation Dipper could have reached other than “this guy is a murdering identity thief who isn’t related to me at all and…even if he doesn’t want to end the world, this is still probably not good, whatever he’s doing” with the evidence he had at the time, especially after the conversation in “Scaryoke” where Stan ‘fessed up to lying about the town and promised that was the end of it. It would, to some extent, be fair to be a bit upset with Stan about this even after learning the truth…but he isn’t. It really was for the family, then? Oh, ok, we’re good. 

45) I know the random utility of the totem pole is a bit contrived, but I’ll give ‘em their due: we did see in “Scaryoke” that Stan had security cameras showing the exterior of the property on monitors in the lab, so that’s actually a reasonably sensible place for some electronics to have been after all, I guess.

46) Ford admittedly did a decent enough improv job right up until he fumbled the technology, but it was a good thing Powers and Trigger were a bit dazed and confused - otherwise, they…might have noticed that his “very real report” was actually a picture of Mabel, outlined in flames and apparently laughing maniacally beneath a caption of ‘what hath science wrought?!’, considering it was in plain view of everyone for several shots there. 

47) I just realized that the timeline I established once means I almost certainly wrote three novels where Ford is stuck in his just-left-the-Portal outfit: aka, high-collared black rags that make him look a bit like a vampire that’s recently been in a knife fight. I’m…sure this did wonders for him all the times it would have helped him out to be perceived as a Respectable Sort Of Person We Should Listen To….

48) Anyone else really, really want to know what they were talking about for…at least a while, considering it was sunset (but still very much not dark at all) when Soos left the porch and full dark with stars out when it cut to the infamous mirror conversation? Especially since the fact that they were still talking fairly civilly - even joking - at that point meant that the previous conversation…probably was actually going reasonably well, or at least as well as could be expected, all things considered? 

Well, there. I did it. A Tale of Two Stans, a full reaction. It only took the entire day….

....Eh, worth it.

#gravity falls #gravity falls characters #gravity falls season 2 #rewatch #a tale of two stans #gravity falls analysis #overanalyzing #overanalyzing the text

[lostintime-liketearsinrain]

Mind Dump #293

Feeling a bit lost within myself tonight. These 12 hour office days just kill me out (I say 12 hours because I'm up at 5am, out by 6:30am and then not back home till 6/6:30pm). All that just to do the same thing I can do at home but what the bosses want, the bosses get.

To add to it, I closed my Etsy shop while I moved over a week ago and I've yet to reopen it and part of me feels like I shouldn’t. Sales had been slowing down mainly due to my crappy marketing skills, I've not created any new art in about 2 months. I have ideas and carry my ideas notebook everywhere I go but when it comes to actually creating said idea I just struggle to start. I've stopped creating art for me, wondering if what I create is good enough and would people like it and buy it. Creating art shouldn’t be like that, it’s about bringing the weird and wonderful ideas to life, regardless if others like it. That’s the attitude I need to find in my creativity and once I do I know I can create again.  

Also weighing on my mind is my grandad, I've not said much on here of late but he’s finally been discharged from hospital and is now in a new Carehome as of the other day. The stress part is due to his attitude and the way he’s acting with my mum, his daughter. When I speak to him he’s happy as larry but when my mum does he’s rude and ungrateful. My mum has bent over backwards to be there for him and he doesn’t thank her or anything. I know he’s been through a lot and he’s old, stressed and tired but I don’t like the fact he’s upsetting my mum when we are all just trying to do our best for him. I sense we’ll have a heated discussion sometime soon with him but I just wish he would be appreciative and understanding. 

As for living on my own, so far it’s been okay. It’s strange on days when I work from home as apart from talking to people through a headset, I can go all day seeing no one and speaking to no one in person. I’m an introvert and while it doesn’t bother me 90% of the time, there have been moments of loneliness. The thoughts creep in and I have to admit it’s taking some getting used to but we all have those moments I guess. Hopefully over time I can adapt to it and perhaps join some social club or go back to the gym to have social interaction. I guess in some ways working in the office for 2/3 days in the week is a blessing in that sense but think I would rather feel lonely then have to get up at 5am ha. 

So yeah, that’s where my head is at. I don’t expect anyone to have read all of this but if you have I apologise for rambling. I see my Tumblr as my online journal at times and it’s just nice to empty out my thoughts. I’ll share some pic updates of my place soon as I've made progress on my lounge, office and bedroom. 

Peace

#brain fart #mind ramble #feeling lost #life update #daily life #personal #rambling

[ashley-slashley]

margaret, why the fuck are you so obsessed with me? i know i've made weird/creepy/sexual statements in my past, but i've deleted a vast majority of them in the mass post editor, so no one can use that to blackmail me. unlike you, i've grown since then. yes, i have said weird statements about paul mccartney, roger waters, keith moon, harlan ellison, john densmore, and other men that exist/existed in reality. i regret the disgusting and sexual statements i have made about said men, i am embarrassed by it, but i know i made those actions, and i accept them. you, however, still make very sexually charged and explicit posts about john belushi and expect people to be cool with that. you have recently brought up that i reblog posts about my own sexual fantasies regarding fictional men, and you have the audacity to shame me for having sexual thoughts about men that can not exist because they are fictional. the difference between me having sexual thoughts and desires about ash williams, steve harrington, eddie munson, and other fictional men is that they are all fictional. if i was anything like the vile little shithead like you, i would be making explicit posts regarding bruce campbell, joe keery, and joseph quinn. but i do not since i know the characters they play are not them at all. i can actually separate fiction from reality, unlike you who gives off the impression that she believes john belushi actually is bluto or jake blues - fictional men. i got rid of the evidence long ago because i did not fathom i would have to deal with your pathetic bullshit again, but i did have screenshots of how you want to perform oral sex on john belushi, as well as performing sexual acts on john belushi. also, i vaguely remember you somewhat hating judy belushi, john belushi's widow, solely because she actually got to know john belushi as a person and actually spent time with the man. i do know you did make sexual posts about the characters he played, but, unlike me, you never put any tags on them to mark they're sexual or nsfw. i obviously never knew belushi or any of his colleagues or loved ones, but i would think they would all be appalled by your constant, vile, lusting for him.

about my chris chan comment, you are acting exactly like he was in the golden age of chris chan. you get pissed off over the smallest, most minuscule bullshit that mildly inconveniences you, you try to get sympathy from people with the "freudian bullshit: tragic upbringing" card (you brought up how you were bullied growing up or how your crush dumped you at prom - i'll get back to this). one of my friends gave me the intel that you’re receiving death threats. I do not believe that, I believe you are making puppet accounts and sending yourself death threats to fuel your own fantasy where you are the victim and did nothing wrong in your life - exactly like chris chan. margaret, you yourself are so pathetic and a horrible excuse for a woman in her 30s, that literally nobody would want to send you death threats. you seem to believe there are heroes and villains in your life, exactly like chris chan. you believe i am clyde cash, you believe the world is out to get you, you believe everybody hates you. if you keep acting like you’re a pathetic, scrawny, miserable, pile of shit, people will loathe your existence and ignore your cries for help when you’re being “harassed”. i too am a survivor of bullying, but unlike you, i have matured and learned that not everybody is out to get me, and that some people say shit solely to piss me off.

another thing about your actions. literally every single time you go on a self hatred parade and beat yourself up, we have tried to help you and, at least i, have suggested healthy coping mechanisms to vent your frustrations (e.g. writing in a journal), but no, you choose to wallow in your own filth and suffering like a demented pig. 

i have absolutely no idea why you’re so obsessed with me. am i a surrogate for judy belushi? what did I do to you to genuinely hate me, margaret? i tried to help you get out of your pity party cesspit and show you that the world is not out to get you. but no, you’re too wrapped up in your victim complex fantasies that you neglect to have the self awareness that you are the one who is pushing people away. you are the one who scared away your high school crush. i understand why your crush did not take you to prom - you are a sick, perverted, friendless, creep that nobody wants to be around. you are exactly like the perverted and vile fangirls of rock who sent musicians their stained panties for attention. i am fully aware of the sexually explicit statements i have made on my blog for years, but at least i tag that shit or i’ve wiped it from my archive since i am embarrassed by it. i am not the fangirls who send their nudes to celebrities, i am the fangirl who has fantasies about fictional men - and i actually tag that content since I know there are people who do not want to read that shit. in my pinned post, i make it loud and clear that i have a tag for nsfw/sexual content. you, last time i checked, do not. you blatantly make explicitly sexual posts about john belushi and the characters he played. i do not have any evidence since I do not want to go onto your disgusting cesspit of a blog and rake through all of the nonstop sexually graphic content of your posts. you have no tagging system. you make sexually explicit posts about actual people. you do not have break ups of your sexual posts with non-sexual posts. we are not the same. i fail to see why you paint me as a nymphomaniac who thinks of absolutely nothing but sex and only wants to be passed around fictional men as their crew slut, when i make shitposts, i reblog cats, i reblog others’ artwork, i reblog things that i find amusing. my blog is not an explicit issue of playgirl, i am a circus with a freak show and clowns. We are not the same, Margaret. Please, do not try to contact me again, seek therapy, and delete all social media.

Have a lovely day,

Audrey

#the belushi stalker

[re-roo-ting]

I want to say this here because I don’t see people talk about the positive things that can happen and how things can change. Also everyone is different and this is just my story.  Not the whole thing just the parts that might help someone.

I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD.

TW: Talks of depression, panic attacks, and adhd struggles

To know the good you have to know just how bad things were first. Before any medication or any professional help, and before I was out of the house I grew up in, I suffered from bad depression. My parents didn’t care much about school and so there were months where I would miss at least one day a week for every week, sometimes more. And I would spend those days laying in bed, often just crying, and being upset without a reason I could find. Aside from my depression I deal with a lot of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and found myself constantly feeling unwanted and out of place. I would go through spells of intense motivation and hyper focus followed by days not doing anything and feeling so bored that my brain hurts and feels like its rotting. My thoughts would race so fast and feel so loud, They weren’t always nice either and there were repetitive and would latch on to ideas heard by other people. I would loose my school work, and organization was never easy. My room looked like a dump. Then I would get upset with myself for letting that happen, and give into this idea that I was lazy. Panic attacks were another issue I would deal with. I’m a paranoid person, and this paired with my race thoughts led to me being regularly overwhelmed. I was having up to four panic attacks a week when I was at my worst. And they left me feeling drained causing more issues with motivation, and more self loathing. 

Right now things are not perfect. I’m readjusting to meds, and I still have bad days. I go through the same things sometimes, and get overwhelmed a lot. But I’ve learned how to cope. I’m trying to be healthy, and improve my self image. I write in my journal a lot and use art and writing, and other forms of creativity to help with my feelings. I talk to people about how I’m feeling and Have improve a lot with communicate and boundaries though I'm still not where I need to be. Most days aren’t happy days, but some are, and most days aren’t sad days either. I still get overwhelmed and I haven’t figured out to avoid burn out from school yet each semester but I can learn to cope. I’m productive, I have a lot of hobbies that I like and don’t feel obligated to perform. I can be relaxed, and I go days sometimes without feeling super sad or guilty. I enjoy school more, and can meet with friends sometimes daily during school. Being outside doesn’t feel like a chore as much, and I enjoy just sitting outside sometimes. I can be proud of my work and honestly often am. I’m surprised by how well I write sometimes, and am shocked that I can draw at all (Adderall helps me to be able to focus on what I’m doing I think), I also have found there are times where I like how I look. Which is crazy, especially because I feel with dysphoria, and have struggled with an ED for years now (also I have a bad hair cut rn and still enjoy my looks sometimes.) I don’t have panic attacks really anymore and if I do they I have tools to help me through them sometimes. I don’t always remember to use them, and can feel guilty asking for help but it’s things I’m working on.

Things do get better, it takes work and patience and nothing is linear and you can’t expect perfection. I’m walking living proof that things can and will get better, even if only slightly. You don’t need to feel hopeless, I was in the same place, and things do get better.

#hope #inspiration #depression #anxious #adhd #comfort #anxeity

[ruelknudson]

Slow start

Day three.

Well, day 2 was kind of a bust, but I had already expected that. While I am writing as a full-time job, there is a bit of flexibility in it. I knew yesterday, and the next few days, will have no progress. Before I put my notice in with my employee, I had 12/19 as well as 12/21-12/22 requested off. I have personal days, just like anyone else.

As far as "the job" is concerned, Monday was very productive. Only a single page written in a 9-hour workday. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Well, there is a business side to this as well. Reactivating social media accounts and updating my website took up the first two hours. I have about an hour a day allotted to social media. I might take it each day; I may do a couple of hours here and there.

The rest of the day was reviewing the current rewrite. The first draft of this current piece was finished about ten months ago. Since then, I have been treading water on the rewrite. I may get into the nuts and bolts of "my process" in another post. But, for now, consider it loosely defined like this:

Basic Outline.

Vomit out a first draft. Ignore being good, and just get the important parts nailed down. It'll be sloppy, and barely worth calling writing, but it is the foundation.

First rewrite: do the writing. This is the mechanical part of it. Make it good.

Second Rewrite: Self-editing of content. I.e. trim the fat.

Third - Fifth Rewrite(s): Grammar, spelling, structure, themes all get a final review. These are usually very fast. I usually need a few of these. As this blog will attest, my grammar and spelling are terrible.

Send to the editor. Thank God for editors. By the way, they're always right. Ignore them when you absolutely have to. I will limit myself to one "I'm not changing that" per story.

Revise based on editor notes.

Final editor pass. Be prepared to justify the thing you kept which your editor said to change. Smile broadly when the editor doesn't tell you to remove it the second time.

Release.

Number 3 is the longest, and most arduous step for me. However, this is where the book starts to actually resemble something worth reading. I am about 40% of the way through this rewrite, but I had to reread all of the previous work. This reflects how unfocused the process had been while I was working full-time on my previous day job.

This draft is still a mess. Luckily the core themes are properly worked out, and they evolve as I was hoping. My worst fear was repetition. I had to be sure the core ideas weren't creeping back into the piece later on. The themes need to evolve through the story, even a non-fiction story. Somehow, even as disconnected as those rewrites were, the themes are moving forward through the book at a natural progression.

If I stick with this format, I should finish two to three chapters a week. This doesn't look like it will be longer than my previous books. So. it looks like a month before the narrative is finished even with the holidays. Then I do the follow up rewrites. I also have appendices to write, but these are more academic than narrative, so they should go pretty quick and will only have one or two rewrites (if that).

During this process I will journal my thoughts and feelings here. I don't know if anyone will care. That's not the point. I think of it like those behind-the-scenes extras for films. Mostly, they are self-gratifying, but if you are interested in how the sausage is made, then its available.

I also want to use this to document how this process may change from story to story. I am curious how it might look after a few years. Will I have refined my process, or dumped it altogether? I wonder what future me will think of this. I bet future Ruel will take a look, get through the first half, delete it, and hope no one scraped a copy or thinks to look at the way back machine's archives to dredge this up.

One last note. I am rereading "On Writing" by Stephen King. I started in my final week of employment. I highly recommend it for any author, aspiring or not. While it has some advice, it is more of a peek into Stephen King as a writer. I am not a huge fan of King. I like many of his stories, but I don't go running to by a new book of his just because it was released.

However, I always find this book to be reaffirming, and inspiring. I don't agree with everything he says, but that's ok. I think the core value of the book isn't the advice. To me, it feels like he is sharing his experience and passing it along in case what works for him can help other writers. That's not to say one should ignore the advice. Its good advice. But that doesn't mean it works for everyone.

I don't expect the same fame, or any fame. I don't even know if writing will be profitable yet. But there is this sense of kinship when you read this book. I can relate to him, and much of what he says. The first time I read this I found myself nodding at a page like he could see me agreeing with him. It's like a conversation with King. "I totally get where you're coming from, Stephen. Telepathy."

Anyways, it's not a revolutionary book that will suddenly make a writer out of anyone. It's not designed for that. But, if you are a writer, it's a good read, and I recommend it. It's great for slumps. For me, I just needed another writer's voice to tell me I'm not crazy.

Welcome to your first day on the job, Ruel. Did you bring your toolbox?

#writers #my writing #writers on tumblr #writeblr #blog

[niyanao]

love — a subject .

i hate talking about personal things like this !! (proceeds to talk about personal things like this)

but seriously, i don't think anyone reads my entries yet and i just wanna dump my feelings so this is my journal page and i do what i want ! anyways, here's my second journal entry, about my experiences with love and loss and everything in between <3

where i start is, who i am as a person. after all, why love something if you have no idea what it is right ? anyway, i've never been a very extroverted person, me being an introvert can be up to debate, but one thing, i'm horrible at speaking to strangers and people who intimidate me. i always preferred being comfortable with 1 person rather than having a friend group, and i guess that's where some of my love stems from. 

i've had four exes so far, though i could say all of them are wonderful people .

— my first love was an online relationship, she lived in davao and i lived in manila, despite us not being that close, it was very heartwarming. sadly, had to end the relationship because of her strict father and his religious beliefs preventing us from merely talking to each other. i would really love to relive that moment in my life again.

— one from a friend that i still know up until now, i liked the bond between us, but to my fault, i misinterpreted that as romantic and just a mere-coping mechanism to breaking up from the first relationship. i realized this and sadly ended my second relationship and i hurt him, to that, i'm still sorry.

— the third one, february this year. i never thought i could be loved. but i guess an inter-class soiree/prom-ish with another school made me believe otherwise again. i found her quite attractive and a fun person to talk to that we'd talk for hours about random stuff. worst mistake i ever made was to confess that i liked her that much on the same night where we first met, maybe i wouldn't be in a different position now. we were two busy students, but she always found the time to talk to me. now i feel like a horrible person because i barely took the effort to reciprocate that, even though i still loved her so much. i'm sorry, and i never wanted to use you.

— most recently, him. another dear friend of mine, he stuck by me through thick and thin, for the past 3 years. i was so hopeful and always pursued to be perfect, and tried my best to learn from past mistakes of my previous relationships to make this work because i really did love him, and i didn't want to lose him. he's a few years older than me, so pretty much more mature than any facade i can put up. i always loved the midnight chats, where we would talk while you were drawing, i would talk about my problems and you for yours. my heart still aches thinking about it, but the world doesn't stop because my world did.

how i wish everyday to be loved, instead of the person who loves. gosh, i'm so tired of love at this point, and i feel very drained whenever i think about someone i remotely like. other than relationships that came and went, i faced a lot of rejections from people either. despite my heart being crushed and broken countless times, i still continue to blindly fall in love with people. i want to constantly improve myself for the next person to come so that they feel warm and welcomed. but of course, why chase butterflies if you can build your own beautiful garden? a garden so beautiful you wouldn't need to chase butterflies anymore and still be at peace. i've learned so much from the people that i look up to, that i shouldn't really beat myself up that much. god, how stupid am i to give the same advice to my friend to not do that, even if i do that to myself a lot. it's always the fact that i have a hard time loving myself, i guess that's why i think it's hard to love me. 

i want to improve on that, even though it's natural for someone like me to continue doing that. i experience so much envy and dysphoria from day-to-day life that i've forgotten to look into the mirror and appreciate what's there. but i never had. i always see — her. a perfect me. beautiful, cute, smart. or what i want there to be.

but hey, with the help of some people, i've been trying to be at peace with what i am now, but i can't ever help feeling alone.

i really like this poem from my former english teacher. "when love arrives" by sarah kay and phil kaye really touched me because of so much heart-melting lines, like:

"If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you. Thank you for stopping by.”"

— nao

[vizthedatum]

My "living journals"

When you've been discarded or thrown aside for as much as I've been, then you know that it can be very hard to ever feel like you'd ever be holistically loved or wanted, just for being you. It's almost like you develop this almost pathological (I mean, let's be real, it is pathological) kink for not being wanted, for always doing the chasing... for chasing for what you can't have because you're not worth it anyway.

I used to call these people I'd chase: "living journals" Ever since I was in elementary school, I have had great intuition and a knack for picking out the people who were interested in me just enough (maybe to raise their own self-esteem, maybe for sex, maybe to make fun of me, stuff like that) to let me keep talking to them but not enough to really include me in their life in any meaningful way. So not enough to be friends or lovers or partners. Certainly not enough for them to share anything about themselves (most of these people were laughably emotionally unavailable). One of my high school "living journals" dared me to kill myself one time. I was trying to tell him how suicidal I was. I adored him. I told him so much about myself because I needed someone to listen and bear witness. He thought I was silly. I wanted him. I wanted his life, I wanted to be his gf, I wanted his academic success, I wanted his so-called wisdom. But ugh, he had so many red flags obviously - he was a spoiled Asian kid who was too old for me at the time, trying to philosophically debate suicidality with someone who had been chronically abused and was depressed with hormonal issues (and was a closeted queer and trans person, on top of that). He talked the big talk, but he had no idea where I was coming from. We could bond over the angst of Linkin Park lyrics, but he never could conceive the real angst of my life and my body. AND! and most importantly, he... didn't... like... me.

And I just can't help myself. It feels so so so so so so so painful. And then, just a tiny bit of euphoria from that pain - which makes me (and, I imagine, other abuse survivors who experience this) feel so fucking messed up.

To be clear, these "living journals" aren't necessarily doing anything wrong (hah) - but also to be clear, do they know? Do they know that someone is chasing after them to their own detriment because they can't help themselves, desperately looking for a deeper connection (where a deeper connection could never and would never exist)? Yeah of course. Fuckers just like feeling good about themselves, regardless of how it hurts the other person. They'll stop if you tell them to - most of them are not rapists. But they can tell what you're doing is not healthy, and if an explicit boundary or consent isn't being violated, they'll let you continue. Because they hold no investment in your life -- they.do.not.care.about.you.

They don't care! So if you're hurting - they only superficially understand. They can't connect with you - they refuse to.

Because remember, they don't want you truly in their life anyway, so why bother? You're just [a sexual release, a glorified calculator, a place to info dump, a person giving them their dopamine hits, an interesting story, etc.].

--

I've had several living journals in my life. My life story is strewn across those journals and past lovers, throughout time... it's all so interesting: I am splayed out like that in the minds of people who aren't in my life anymore.

--

It's really great that life doesn't have to be that way anymore. I don't want to go down the "living journal" rabbit hole again. The damage does remain though.

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