vizthedatum

[vizthedatum]

Tonight I cried in my imaginary wife’s arms

I miss the casual and natural softness I so willingly gave

I miss that part of me

And now that I’m learning how to unmask and traverse in the unknown…

I wish I didn’t lock that part up or shroud it in fear, resentment, anger, hurt, and grief

She wrapped her entire body around me, and even her hair reached out to comfort me

I didn’t mean to cry

She told me she knows

It’s just that I told you to make love to me and told you how, and you did it

“Of course I did!!”

But!!! I don’t even know what making love even feels like from my end anymore. I think I’ve been close - but it’s so hard to let go when everything feels like a performance where my expectations cannot be committed to… where there are expectations of me

She turned her head, and her long silvery body shifted… “but you have to build that - that trust that someone will be able to see and hold you when you can let go, just like I do”

I desperately want to unlock my softness - the real, messy, softness - up again

I realize that I crave it so much from those I let into my life

But my safety is on the line

And my heart breaks so badly, even if it’s a mature and healthy relationship

“You don’t have to feel anything you don’t intrinsically feel”

I don’t want things out of some sort of weird obligation! I don’t want care when… it just feels like a fantasy of what they think care is

I want that co-regulation that seems to only happen when I’m not thinking about it - the one I feel with my closest friends

That softness, that compassion

I want the softness from people too - the softness that doesn’t feel like a chore or a task

I cried more.

Did you know that I was so much sweeter and lovelier than what I grew into? Do you know how much I gave up?

I expected to be loved. I wanted it - I needed it.

I thought they could see the softness in everything that I do

“Why do you think they can’t or won’t still?”

I don’t feel trusting enough to even let them, I suppose

Why should I? When I know just how bad I’ll hurt again? Even if it’s not intentional, I know how bad it will hurt when… they decide not to be a part of my life

And I just always want more

I’m yearning for their softness, their willingness, their trust to build something with me

“How does one ask for softness?” she thought out loud

I wish I knew how to ask without it being a demand

I feel like I model it when I’m deeply in love

Just as much as they revel in my softness, they disregard my hurt… I feel like I’m nothing

I feel like I’m nothing

“No! You’re everything and more”

Yeah, but then my softness goes back inside of me, and it feels like it never gets acknowledged again

And what remains of me, if I cannot be soft?

#conversations #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #prose #heartbreak #softness

[vizthedatum]

I can be anxious (because that’s how I’m truly feeling), I can tell my anxiety that I don’t need to anticipate bad things because I can trust myself, and I can trust myself to find someone(s) someday who will want to build a mutual life together where we BOTH feel safe.

I know I can embrace uncertainty.

#healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #queer #prose #it will be ok #i tell myself #I tell myself that it will be ok so many times a day #anxiety

[vizthedatum]

Perhaps the loneliness I feel is just another way my soul/body/mind/etc. is telling me… have you really figured out how to be at peace with yourself? Do you remember why you’re here?

I don’t want to just exist -

I want to exist AND ~something~

#existential #existential thoughts #lonely #I will be okay #I will figure it out #healing #neurodivergence #love #self love #prose

[vizthedatum]

You know that feeling when you’re genuinely excited to see your friends over the weekend for your birthday party but your mind gets lost in the thoughts of:

Dang I wish I could make more of my friend’s events if I had more energy and time - I’m glad they make time for me - I am so honored

The parties are really for them and I mean it

It feels lonely to just throw a party by myself… I’m organizing my kitchen and space… not *our* kitchen and space - who would even be an *our*

I hate being alone and single even though I LOVE having my own space to do with what I wish

My place looks so cool, and I think people are going to enjoy the aesthetics and the vibe

I wish I weren’t so lonely and had a nesting partner to show me off - now I just show off myself

Is it appropriate to celebrate when the world is on fire? There is just so much suffering

I should live up my single days

I’m so jealous of how one of my uncles treats his wife on his birthday and every other day - fuck will I ever find that?

I will remind myself that I am capable and cool… and my taste in aesthetics and art is very cool

It’s weird just to live for yourself even though I know that’s how I heal

I love my friends - the ones who are coming and not coming… all of them

Am I just here for my brother and friends? Is that what I’m living for? Some days it feels like that

I’m gonna try to… enjoy this life and figure out ways to keep giving back to the world

I wonder if people know how much it took to get to this place - does it matter? It’s my life and I’m here

I don’t want to have a kid when I feel so existentially lonely like this - I only want to have a child (and I really really do) when I can ensure real emotional safety

How do I even find a nesting partner? (Inner voice: who would even want me now)

When will I internally feel safe enough to truly unmask all my layers… the layers I have constructed to keep myself safe from the world so that they don’t know I’m different (autistic - but it took a long time to figure that out)

My parents don’t even like me anymore but who cares

People love me and I have to remember that

I am helping people at my job and I have to remember that

I am of value and worth to people’s lives and I have to remember that

I can always keep trying to love myself harder

I hope my nails idea works out tomorrow - I really wanna look so cute

It feels like with every passing day, I completely dismantle my old life - I transform it into this unknown cadence of living, and I’m happy for it (I really am) but it’s so scary. I have more peace than I’ve had (even with the financial struggles) but it’s so so scary

One day, I won’t be so alone even if I’m all by myself

#healing #thoughts #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #prose #varying emotions right now

[vizthedatum]

It’s weird to go through personal successes and difficulties when there is a genocide (multiple! Throughout my entire lifetime!).

I want to be thankful for the privilege of being in a safe (relatively) place and fighting for local change here.

But I feel hopeless a lot about what to do elsewhere - even in my home country of India and home region of Bengal.

It feels like all I can do is educate and try to lead with kindness, whatever that looks like. Even if I don’t have much to give or enough power to influence.

#just thoughts #free Palestine #living in this world #healing

[vizthedatum]

My friend helped me put so much of my art up and decorations for my party!!! My place looks so magical 🥰 I have more to put up but I have a momentum now since she just left. I still gotta pick up my antibiotics and do some chores but I can do this. I can.

I might be low spoons but I’m so excited. I might be fighting off an infection and stuff, but I am gonna see my friends this weekend!!!!!!

I’ve got 4/5 of my diplomas finally hung up too, whew. I gotta fix the orientation of one of them but that’s ok. So my office area is even more of an office area.

Things are coming together :3

#birthday planning #disabled but motivated #hanging up art #everything coming together #healing #love #friendship

[vizthedatum]

I have an infection and gotta pick up my antibiotics.

I didn’t even consider it could be that because all my symptoms bleed together (especially since I flare when I have an infection too)… but the fatigue has been getting worse :/

It’s a UTI - I have several a year DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS.

It’s really ridiculous because I am on an everyday antibiotic already to combat rUTI and biofilm, I’m on bladder instillations, I take the fucking D-Mannose and all the other things. I’m not even having sex anymore, and if I use sex toys, I’ve been cleaning them A LOT A LOT between every use AND BEFORE USE (ugh intrusive thought about how I left one of my favorite toys out because I had no energy at my ex’s and mice chewed through it, and they returned the mouse chewed sex toy back to me during the separation/divorce - fuck everything - I loved that toy).

So yeah.

I’m super fatigued and may still be having PMDD

But who the fuck knows

Bc

I have an infection and will get treated… and be even more fatigued (I EVEN TAKE A PRE AND PROBIOTIC FFS).

#uti #interstitial cystitis #PMDD #chronic pain #chronic uti #recurrent uti #rUTI #trauma #healing #health #disability #possible cause of my fatigue and mental health shit this week #ofc I threw that toy straight into the trash #I threw away so many things

[vizthedatum]

I know I have stayed in friendships/relationships past the point of no return for me (when I had built up so much resentment without saying anything or just let things slide... or worse, did say something but nothing changed, and I just went along with it).

I'm proud of myself for leaving or collaborating with friends before that happens. I'm always getting better at it, and I want to keep improving.

I don't want resentment or disrepair to grow during a connection, because I think that's not just disrespectful to me but also to the person I'm involved with.

#friendships #relationships #healing #self love #love #relational love #thoughts

[vizthedatum]

I want to choose myself every day, and I want to be accountable for my mistakes but also be accountable for my own well-being and happiness.

I do not need to push myself or participate in things that are stressing out my body, mind, or spirit.

I don’t need to be happy when I’m not. I don’t need to act healthy when I’m not. I don’t need to suppress emotions if I am feeling them.

I can communicate better and effectively, and I’m learning more how to do that every day. I can be straightforward as much as I need to be to gain clarity while respecting others.

I don’t want to guess what other people are doing if they can’t tell me. I embrace being auDHD and needing clarity and context, so I don’t have anxiety.

I trust myself to respect boundaries the best I can, and to honor any ones I break and take accountability.

I don’t need to blame or shift responsibility to other people for my own part to play in this world. I can have feelings, and I can always retrospect (like yeah, there were many things I did not know at the time, and I was ignoring a lot of personal healing work out of fear, a fucked up sense of comfortability, and a lack of discernment).

I trusted the wrong people. I didn’t speak up more about my needs. I lied about my needs out of habit to protect myself, and I don’t regret needing to protect myself.

I don’t regret seeking love and giving the benefit of the doubt.

I regret the toll it had on me when I started suffering so much.

If I’m such a pattern-perceiver, then I can learn to trust my body.

I don’t need to always be right, but I need to do right by myself.

I can still be kind to people and stand up for my loved ones, while holding space and respect for myself.

People are indeed struggling with their own things… and they have their coping mechanisms, hurtful behaviors, etc. I don’t need to participate in any of that if it hurts me. I can love from afar.

I don’t need to chase anyone or anything if it doesn’t feel like it’s making efforts for me. I don’t need to be resentful about it either. (And effort can honestly look like simple communication - it’s ok if people can’t do stuff with or for me, but it’s about how they consider me in their energy).

#affirmations #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #queer #prose

[vizthedatum]

I had a vision or dream last night or this morning about a field that also had a garden in a wide expanse of land… it was so beautiful. It was like I was there.

#visions #dreams

[vizthedatum]

I think I am proud to have loved so much in my life, even if it didn’t turn out the way I expected.

I didn’t deserve the bad times.

But I had fun, I learned lessons, I grieved, I saw humanity, and… yeah I hurt.

But I’m proud.

#healing #love #self love

[vizthedatum]

I want such a secure attachment to someone where (mutually) if I was feeling vulnerable to even be perceived, then I’d feel so safe with them perceiving me… and if I really needed space, they’d give me the space for as long as I needed but they’d also consider/care about my emotional and physical needs.

And I do have some friends like that, and I have had dates like that too…

But it would be nice to have something like that long-term.

#wishes #poly #relationships #connections #security #healing #neurodivergence #you know how you get so sick or sad that you need someone to mature handle it #or to just leave you alone but with care and kindness #and to also let you know that they’re not going anywhere #a person to hold my feelings and not take it personal unless we needed to repair something in the relationship

[vizthedatum]

It’s good to encourage people sometimes if they want encouragement. But sometimes, if someone says they can’t do something, it’s better to say “that’s okay” and take them at their word. Sometimes we really can’t do something because of our mental illness, physical condition or just the day we’ve had. And we need to learn that sometimes what people need is acceptance and a reminder that they’re worthy, regardless of whatever they can and can’t do.

#healing #neurodivergence #disability #conditions

[vizthedatum]

I’m not going to lie to myself when things get hard or feel hard, because I don’t think it’s helping me actually enjoy this life.

I want to be PRESENT.

#like literally today I was in existential dread for the morning #but I loved this afternoon and had a lovely time with my friend #and I’m in a good mood now #and I’m glad I can have range of emotion #even if things feel bad sometimes #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #prose

[vizthedatum]

I am growing to become a person who will not be swayed by self-doubt or external judgement but embrace it, love it, and go forth in life anyway.

#healing #neurodivergence #self love #affirmations

[vizthedatum]

My friend helped me get snacks and food for my parties this weekend, and I’m so grateful and excited!!!!

#and my bro is gonna help me get pizza #yay #birthday party #birthday planning

[vizthedatum]

Something that’s really hard for me to internalize and think about it, even though I know it’s probably true for me:

I can keep deciding, from moment to moment, if something is for me or not.

My commitments and obligations do depend on the context, yes. But even then, I do have have choice and agency.

I can choose to be in love with others and myself, day to day.

But I don’t need to cement myself in my situation… ever. Even if it’s something I wanted five years ago.

And even if I’m financially struggling right now or I hate being single or I can’t figure out where I’m headed next….

The world is vast, I don’t need to have everything planned out, and maybe something I do right now will lead me into the next thing I’m meant to do (and maybe I won’t find that out until later).

This is about building trust in myself but also letting myself live, without knowing all the answers.

(See this is why I tell people time is so non-linear for me!)

#alleviating my anxiety #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #queer #prose #spiritual growth #spiritual