#Next time I have a mental breakdown over my thesis | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

prismatales · 4 years

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Comfort

All my love and gratitude goes to @sugacookiies, @pixxiesdust and @hawks-senseis for beta-reading this, you guys were some of the greatest help I've ever had! ❤

Pairings: Bakudeku x Reader

Warning: Tw:Depression, Tw:Suicidal thoughts, angst, fluff and comfort.

Fingertips slam a frantic yet steady pace against the keyboard, your eyes go back and forth between each paragraph with a growing sense of panic. All your senses are running on nothing more but pure anxiety and stress, not even the thought of eating something crosses your mind as the one and only thing to worry about seems to be this specific assignment.

Neither of them can remember the last time they saw you in another spot of the house that wasn't that chair before the computer, sure sometimes you take a break to go to the bathroom, but sleeping? That word doesn't seem to have a meaning in your vocabulary.

Except for that one time you fell asleep on the couch for less than 30 minutes before startling yourself awake and jumping away from the plush cushion to keep working.

Both Midoriya and Bakugo knew how important it was to complete your thesis, but was it worth it when your health and body is on the edge of giving up? They both know how badly this kind of routine can end up affecting your health.

The last time you got this stressed it ended up fucking up your stomach all the way from the esophagus to the intestines. The whole digestive system was so affected it started to feel like your stomach was literally burning itself into nothingness from the gastritis you developed. You had to get treatment for two whole weeks, which was right before your high school finals, and it was one of the worst experiences you've ever had to go through.

There's a reason a huge portion of people going through College ends up feeling dead on the inside, the overwhelming amounts of work, spending so much time in the library one could literally claim they live there, assignments and impossible amounts of field work, all of that could be more than enough things happening at the same time to cause plenty of people to go insane. And if that was bad enough, preparing your Thesis was like one of the deadliest of trials.

Just from the look on your face, it was obvious you're starting to develop another health trouble just like that time, the tips of your fingers start pressing right on the spot above your stomach with a face full of discomfort.

Deku's the first one to see that and in less than five minutes he's already outside on his way to get some medicine, he doesn't think twice about using One for All to go faster.

Everyone in the apartment was more than used to hear mumbling during the day, courtesy of your beloved Deku, but not even Bakugo was prepared to hear you of all people mumbling such dark things the very next day, when the stress began taking a harder toll. He could hear every single word loud and clear even when he's standing near the kitchen counters at the other side of the house.

"Why do I even bother?...It's not like anything I do even matters..." He can hear the the long sigh followed by more self hatred while he's stirring the noodles for dinner. "Sometimes I wonder if people would even notice that I'm gone...hahaha...I wanna die"

"...! That's it!" The wooden spoon gets slammed roughly against the marble counter, searching through his pocket Bakugo pulls out his phone to text Deku, who's already on his way home from patrol.

It takes less than an hour for the two of them to be there right besides you trying their best to comfort their shaking and panicked S/O, it makes them feel useless seeing how much you're struggling to hold on to the remains of your mental stability.

And when they hear the next course of muttering they know things are just about to get worse unless they do something about it.

"I can't do this anymore...I just can't," The tiny voice coming out of your mouth was heartbreaking. Your whole body is trembling uncontrollably as Midoriya walks up behind the chair, he lifts your whole body so he can take you to the bedroom, that way you could finally get some well deserved rest and calm down, in the meanwhile Bakugo goes back into the kitchen to fetch you something to drink.

Their dynamic was simple and yet effective, most of the time Izuku tends to be the one calming both of you through words, if that's not enough to help he's trying to find another solution to the problem through physical actions. Katsuki on the other hand tends to prefer being the one letting his actions speak for themselves first, even through the smallest of gestures he's always looking out for the both of you, in a reverse context to Deku, when his actions are not enough he's trying to make an effort to comfort you with his words.

Everything came crashing down inside your head like a landslide in the middle of a storm, bringing chaos and despair from every direction. It's easy to recognize the signs of your depression kicking in due to all the work piling up at once, and they're aware you're one of the most dedicated and passionate persons when it comes to your studies.

Midoriya tried to lay you down into the soft mattress and walk away to get that blanket they bought specifically for this type of occasion, but his shirt is quickly clutched into a tight grip, the broken sobs are barely audible to someone not paying enough attention have him on high alert as he realizes you've already started crying.

He has no other choice but to ignore his quest for the blankets and sits back on the bed. His back rests against the headboard while you're laying on your side, face resting softly against his well-toned chest, your body surrounded by his own arms that hold your shaking body against his with the hope that it can help you relax.

Bakugo comes into the room shortly after, carrying your favorite cup steaming with some nice and warm drink, your favorite judging by the glorious smell coming out of the cup in small puffs.

He carefully passes the cup to the green haired man sitting in bed before walking to the corner of the room and towards a dark gray, medium sized basket where the additional blankets are kept, rummaging through the furniture he finds one of the biggest, fluffiest and softest blanket of them all before walking back towards the bed.

It takes you awhile to process what's actually happening because of the storm running through your head. But eventually, between the reassuring words and sweet whispering, the shaking and the crying slowly, but very slowly starts toning down until nothing but a small whimper can be heard every now and then through your bedroom.

In less than a few minutes you've already been wrapped in that beloved blanket while resting between two warm and fit bodies, leaning back against the headboard with a comforting drink in hand.

"Are you feeling any better?" Izuku's voice is soft and sweet, just in case there's something still bothering your mind, at the same time one of Katsuki's hands is busy rubbing circles in the section between your shoulders in a steady rhythm, the feeling of his calloused and scarred hand touching that portion of skin helps relaxing your exhausted self at an almost exaggerated level. The last thing they want is for you to have another breakdown.

You want to reply but your mouth quickly opens and closes, so all you can manage to do is give them a soft nod in response, too tired to even try and talk to your sweet boyfriends.

Sometimes the negative thoughts come during these kinds of moments to try and bring torment. It makes you wonder if one day they'll get tired of this and leave after realizing you're nothing more than a hindrance.

"Don't even think about it, Dumbass," Katsuki growls from his spot at your left side "I recognize that look on your face when I see it, you think you're worthless don't you?" That hand behind you makes its way to your shoulder, pulling your whole body towards him and positioning you in a way that makes your head rest on top of his well toned shoulders. For someone who's body is so nicely sculpted, the place where your head lays is one of the most comfortable places where somebody could rest.

"You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. You've always been someone who rarely allows small shit like this get the best of them" Katsuki's hand had long ago left your back to run his fingers through your hair, the friction against your locks of hair and scalp has a soothing effect that relaxes everything from your whole body to your mind.

A small tear manages to escape, but this time is out of relief and happiness for literally having two of the most wonderful lovers by your sides. The exhausted smile that spreads over your face sends the both of them into a state of relief.

"What did I do to deserve you both?"

Deku lets out a soft laughter while Katsuki just smirks in satisfaction.

"Existing."

MASTERLIST

@t-amajiki @undead0relived @shoobirino @bnha-ra @godtieruwu @mysticalite @bnhabookclub @gallickingun @unbreakableeiji @savagetrickster

#mha imagine #bnha imagine #bnha imagines #mha imagines #bakugo katsuki #bnha bakugou #bnha midoriya #midoriya izuku #midoriya izuku x reader #bakugo katsuki x reader #reader insert #Tw:Depression #Tw:Suicidal thoughts

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dessarious · 4 years

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The Angel of Death Pt28

Inspired by this Story Starter by @someone-ev

AO3 Prologue Beginning Previous Next

“Of course I do Nooroo, but it’s dangerous for you to come with me. After this mess there’s likely to be others coming after me until I kill enough of them to make them stop. Not to mention the organization that trained me was under the impression that I was dead and one of them, at least, is going to recognize the way I fight.” Tris glared at Fu the entire time she was speaking. None of this would have happened if he had just talked to her rather than running off to try and get himself killed. She was too focused on him and didn’t notice a string connected to Adrien move until it was too late.

“So you’re the one who murdered my husband.” She was mentally cursing in every language she knew as a woman, obviously wielding Duusu’s Miraculous, stepped out of the shadows. She’d given the box to Chloe for safe keeping, not so she could just hand Miraculous out to everyone she knew. At this point she half expected Luka and Kagami to show up in costume. Granted it was nice to know that the strings weren’t at all impacted by the Miraculous, at least not to her.

“I am.” Tris couldn’t tell by the woman’s tone if she was upset by that fact or not, but she wasn’t about to back down now. She did what was necessary, and she’d do it again.

“She’s also the one that fixed Duusu’s Miraculous and saved you.” Nooroo was floating protectively in front of her glaring at everyone indiscriminately. She wasn’t certain why the Kwami had decided she was his to guard but he’d been incredibly overprotective since the night she’d rescued him. Chat Noir went over to whisper in the woman’s ear and her expression went from confused to shocked. Great, just what she needed, one more person knowing how old she was. She’d gone three years with no one finding out and now there was absolutely no hope of ever keeping it underwraps. There were going to be assassins coming at her left and right to prove they’re better than her. Because her life wasn’t screwed up enough as it was.

“This is really not the place for this conversation. I was live streaming the fight, or rather massacre, to try and stop the rumors now going around that I’m an inept child thanks to someone telling these idiots information I foolishly divulged.” Fu just looked at her calmly, no sign of guilt or remorse. She was seconds away from stabbing him just to let out frustrations and he didn’t seem to sense the danger. She really shouldn’t be surprised. “So if everyone is going to insist on lecturing me before I disappear I suggest we go elsewhere.” She would just leave but knowing Chloe especially, someone would try to come after her and that would just get them killed.

The Miraculous holders looked confused more than anything else. Wonder Woman was frowning at her the same way all her teachers did when she corrected their misinformation. She couldn’t wait for whatever was going to come out of her. Fu looked disappointed, it was a look she was used to getting from Talia to be honest. Her Nonna though… she looked smug? No that wasn’t it. Proud maybe? It had been so long since anyone had looked at her like that she honestly wasn’t sure.

“Lead on then.” She took the cue from Gina and headed back out the side entrance assuming the others would follow. She was honestly hoping they didn’t but there was no way she’d get that lucky. She ended up leading them to the warehouse she’d used to meet Fu at. It seemed appropriate and even if everyone else seemed willing to divulge their identities and secrets she wasn’t going to help them. She was tempted to take them back to Fu’s shop just to get back at him, but the Kwami would be in more danger if she did that. When they got there the others detransformed and it took everything in her not to yell at them for their lack of caution. Plagg, Tikki, and Duusu all immediately rushed her to cling onto her.

“You can’t just leave.”

“You can’t just leave me here with them! I haven’t had this much fun in centuries.”

“Even if you do leave the Miraculous will still be in danger since people will come after Fu to find you. We must make a plan before anything else.” Duusu’s plea and Plagg’s insulted tone didn’t carry near the weight of Tikki’s reason. The Kwami of creation had a point and she really did need to figure out how to keep them all safe. Fu she couldn’t care less about but the Kwami needed to be protected.

“And you’re all just okay with the fact that she makes a living killing people?” Wonder Woman sounded somewhere between insulted and confused by the Kwami’s behavior though she had no idea why.

“My fairy only goes after those that need to be killed. Men and women who destroy innocent lives for no reason other than power and greed. She’s doing the world a favor and you should all be thanking her for it.” Yep, definitely pride. It was so weird to hear that directed at her.

“You’re the new roommate that Adrien was telling me about. The one with no social skills that’s making the faculty cry and have mental breakdowns.” She just shrugged at Mme. Agreste’s comment but Chloe let out a bark of laughter.

“You should have seen her tear apart the history teacher's doctoral thesis. It was a thing of beauty. She’s not allowed near any of the general education teachers now.” She still didn’t understand what the big deal was. He should have been happy she pointed out his mistakes before he actually turned it in.

“You really killed my father?” Adrien’s timid question made her pause. For all Plagg seemed to think he wouldn’t hate her for it, people tended to be rather attached to their family whether they deserved it or not.

“Yes.” He was obviously expecting more of a response but she wasn’t going to make excuses for it. She was hired to do a job and she did it, end of story. Chloe let out a strangled noise.

“You’re an assassin.” Tris just nodded. Wasn’t that already established? “Someone paid you to go after Hawkmoth.” She nodded again finally understanding where she was going with this. “My father hired you didn’t he?”

AO3 Prologue Beginning Previous Next

Ko-Fi

Tag List

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#maribat #marinette dupen chang #assassin mari #kidnapped au

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katiebruce · 3 years

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adios, amigo.

Well, 2020. What is there to say that hasn’t already been said, tweeted or Instagram-ed a thousand and two times about you? I’ll save us all the generic stuff—“unprecedented,” “nightmarish,” “absurd”—yes, 2020 was all of those things, but on a deeper, more personal level, there is so much more I have to say that doesn’t fit quite into those clichés.

So, this will be my attempt to document and reflect upon one of the strangest years I’ve encountered in my thirty-one years on this planet. Buckle up, buttercup.

Like many others before me have frequently observed, the way I spend my New Year’s Eve has always set the tone for the year to come, and boy, was this year a picture-perfect example of exactly that. Because I had to work on January first, I spent my New Year’s Eve at home watching a depressing movie with T, quietly kissing on the cold back patio as fireworks went off in the distance. I remember feeling both happy and sad about this evening (a duality that was a major theme for me for the fifty-two weeks to come, if only I had known). I was sad not to be celebrating my favorite holiday and even remember telling T that I didn’t want the year to come to be one I spent not going out, staying home, and becoming reclusive as I finished up the stressful process of finishing my MFA thesis in the course of ten (or, what I thought would be ten) short months.

But on the other hand, being held in T’s arms, I remembered feeling so happy that I could have this little quiet holiday—something that felt so private and personal—so entirely our own. It really set the tone for our relationship for the year, and for the obstacles we not only overcame together but dominated, one right after the next.

January was cold, snowy, and full of flight cancellations, which I remember to be something worth celebration at the time. I stayed home and snuggled my way into Aquarius season, the time for me and my brethren to shine, feeling positive that I had lived my thirtieth year to one of great satisfaction and maximum travels taken. (If only I had known then that that late-January El Paso layover where my crew and I walked across the border into Juarez to eat street tacos and laugh over Mezcal would be one of the only times I would leave the country for the year, well, I might have taken a few shots of tequila and really enjoyed my stay abroad just a bit longer).

February came, and with it, the promise of friends. My darling Kristopher, as always, flew to Chicago on the day of (also the day I completed and passed my eighth recurrent [!]) and, thanks to my other darling baby, Nicole, scored tickets to one of the highly coveted format reunion tour shows happening in March* for me, her, and my momma.

(*It did not, in fact, take place in March).

I turned thirty-one in the way I’ve come accustomed too—surrounded by my favorite people (this year at Dorians—a jazz club to end all jazz clubs) too drunk and too smiley to even coherently remember the evening properly. As much fun as I remember having, I told T that I thought it was my last year to host some sort of birthday gathering, and to hold me to it come next year. (He did very well—a few weeks later, after spotting an ad in a discarded newspaper for the Chicago tour of Moulin Rouge happening on my birthday weekend, we bought tickets and I sat peacefully with the fact that one of my new year (or, new age) resolutions was so quickly and poignantly adapted).

By this time, I was already deep in the throes of my first thesis writing course, meaning that I was pretty stressed out all of the time and surely a misery to be around (sorry to those of you who were). Basically, in three semesters’ time, I was expected to draft, edit, and rewrite a fully formed novel (70,000+ words) and the idea of accomplishing such a feat felt like a ton of bricks being carried on my shoulders. I had at least four mental breakdowns in the beginning of the year (again, we all know what lays ahead for the year, I know—but at the time, this seemed like an unbearable amount of stress for one person to have to carry. The joke is not lost on me).

In the coming weeks, things began to get even weirder. Covid scares began sprouting up in cities all around us, and as the government asked people to stay at home, airline ticket prices became massively reduced, so more people began traveling. I mean, this shit was like spring break on acid—it was hugely stressful, and though the threat of the pandemic had yet to reach Chicago, I felt more and more at risk with each passing day as careless amounts of people cashed in on what they thought was the deal of a lifetime.

By the time March reached its midpoint, I, like so many others, was terrified. We had no PPE at work—literally nothing. No gloves, masks, or even hand wipes. Cleaning the aircraft still wasn’t considered a “no-go” item, as far as regulatory practices go. I remember watching the news on my layovers only to keep myself up at night wondering if the virus was going to take hold of me or anyone around me, and if so, how long until they would recover, or perhaps wouldn’t.

St. Patrick’s Day came, and after fighting about whether or not to go out with friends (we didn’t—and for the record, T and I rarely fight—but this was, after all, his first St. Patrick’s Day as a Chicagoan—so his resentment was more than justified) we saw a matinee movie (Onward) and while in the theater, read about how Chicago restaurants, as a precaution, were shutting down the next day due to rising concerns about the spread of the virus. We reacted by grabbing drinks & lunch at one of our favorite neighborhood eateries and tipping the waitstaff more heavily than I think I’ve ever tipped anyone in my life (not mentioning this to brag, or whatever—just remembering what it was like to feel utterly helpless and unsure of what to do or what was to come—we had to find our positivity in some way, and on that day, this was how we saw fit, and it helped).

Then it all sort of happened at once—Lauren’s store was closed with no impending reopening date. The grocery stores (and I swear to god, I will never forget this) became a madhouse—people taking things out of other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. I remember going into Mariano’s with T and insisiting we tie bandanas around our faces for safety, feeling like a goddamn bank robber about to make a heist. But there was nothing left to even take. Frantically, we got what we could and got out of there, and I went home to have a full-fledged panic attack about the state of the world we were currently living in and what we were going to do if things didn’t turn around quickly.

As if overnight, everyone cancelled their airline tickets. It was for the better, and though it put my job in serious jeopardy, I was in massive support of it but still felt an eerie sadness looming around the countless empty airports, airplanes, hotels and city streets. There were times when my crew and I were the only guests in a place—times when I had zero passengers on a revenue flight. And then came the mass flight cancellations—and I mean mass. Everyday became a battle of anxiety as to what was going to happen to my job in the next twenty-four hours, and then cooing my stressed-out thoughts to sleep, only to relive the anxiety with every phone buzz waiting to find out if I had lost my job overnight. By mid-spring, I was hugely considering dropping out for a period of time, just due to the stress of it all, but thanks to support from my friends, family and T, I chose to stick it out and roll with as many punches as I could until I was finally knocked-out.

Quarantines were happening all around me, and without the ability to travel or the (former) grueling expectations of maintaining a social life, I started to reconnect with myself in ways that felt both organic and new, yet much like returning home after a long time away. Lauren taught me to knit, and we celebrated her birthday on the floor of our apartment in an Indian-food induced daze renting Emma and making thousands of tiny knots onto needles that would eventually become blankets. We took walks, did puzzles, and Lauren drove me to and from the airport on the rare occasion that I actually had a flight to work, as the CTA had, unfortunately, become a cesspool of targeted attacks on flight crew members (seriously) because they were often the only person in any given train car.

A rare glimpse of optimism then presented itself via two different opportunities: a chance to take a ninety-day leave from work, and a job offer in the form of editing a book for publication. I said yes to both and hoped that I would be able to take a step back and deal with the crumbling world around me easier with both of these opportunities now on my horizon.

This period of the year (May-July) started off swimmingly. Knitting, reading, and even smoking weed for the first time in nearly a decade (I took two hits and spent the rest of the evening sinking into the couch painfully aware of how bad I am at breathing and worrying that I might stop at any given moment). I fell in love with yoga and felt myself loosening up parts of my body and my mind that had been twisted into a series of knots for god only knows how long. I spent days reading in the sun, baking bread like everyone else in the world, and learning to make my own pies. Things were going really well, and I was even ahead in school, now on track to graduate in August—when things started getting heated.

I’m not going to go on a rant about race, although I very much could, but I will say this—the fact that we are still in a race war in this country in the year 2020 (and even now, a few days into 2021) makes me so sick to my stomach I don’t know what to do. Every injustice that passes by us, overshadowed by the next untimely death or wrongdoing makes me angry in ways that I cannot even fathom putting into words. It burns the color red that is so hot and so vibrant that I can see it soaking through my eyelids even when I squeeze them shut. This country lost a lot of love from me this year, and even more respect. There are not only things we can do better—there are things we must change. And honestly, most days, I don’t think most of the country is ready to not only admit that but to also work for. And that not only sickens me, but depresses the living hell out of me. I feel so stunted all of the time when I picture a world so at peace with its own injustice. It’s just so unfair.

I watched as the world was (rightfully, although woefully) destroyed around me. My neighborhood turned into a desolate, looted shadow of itself—one where Lauren and I could sit on our back patio safely until dusk, when the crime and gunfire became so rabid that on occasions, we sat in the living room in total darkness, listening only to the radio, afraid to let anybody at street level see that we were, indeed, at home. The opportunists that took advantage of the message of this movement made me numb to such a large demographic of the population, and I found myself crying myself to sleep enough times that I thought it might be time to leave the warzone that had become Chicago for a little while as escape down to Florida. So, we packed our bags and left. It is not lost on me that so many did not have this option, and for so many minorities, just simply existing during this time was enough to cause assault. I know I am fortunate—I carry it like lead in my pockets every day.

While in Florida, the first retailers began to reopen and I found myself waiting in an hour-long line to buy soaps and hand sanitizers, and to get a glimpse of what this “new normal” might look like when things started picking back up again. Like many, it was jarring to see empty tables, capacity limits on items, cashiers behind plexiglass sheets shouting to be heard over both the physical barrier and the cloth one strung across their faces.

By the time T & I arrived home, Lauren was already making plans to reopen her store “safely” and I felt sorry for her. How could anything be safe when nothing had changed? Why were companies acting as if business could go on like before—even though nothing had gotten better?

My final months of my MFA were just ahead of me, and I had one month remaining free from work to finish my first full-length novel, and I all I really remember is stress stress stress.

And then Andrew, being Andrew, offered a glimmer of hope, in the form of a drive-in concert celebrating fifteen years of Everything in Transit in southern California, a mere matter of hours from where Nicole had been working. It took a matter of two or maybe three text messages to confirm that we would be attending, and once the ticket was purchased I practically packed my bags and headed off to visit her and try and make light of my heart.

As suspected, the trip was magical. Being around Nicole, per usual, was magical. My heart felt so fully aligned seeing a little piece of her story and getting to experience her way of life once more—drunken hot springs and all their glory. There truly are few things in my life I love more than sitting in the passenger’s seat as Nicole drives us all over the country, and experiencing it again felt so right and so perfect that I honestly thought it was one of the happiest experiences of my life. Because I had requested so, she drove me all the way to Venice Beach the day of the concert so we could see where the infamous album cover was taken. We ate cbd gummies and listened to jack’s and ate in-n-out burger like our lives depended on it. When the concert began, it was eerie, yet hopeful to see all the new protocols of something that had become so familiar to me in my former life. Drinks were ordered through an app and delivered, as was merch, and clapping was replaced by the exuberant honking of car horns. We streamed the sound through the radio and laid the in the back of Nicole’s converted SUV as we cried and sang along to the songs that made everything, even just for one night, feel like it was all going to be okay again. We ended the evening marking ourselves with our first stick and poke tattoos—hers a sun to my moon, positioned to kiss one another when we stand next to each other on our preferred selfie side (lol). I left worried about how long it might be before I could feel her warm embrace again, the embrace of one of the truest friends I’ll ever know, but also recognizing that we were lucky to have had such an experience at all during such an insane year and feeling eternally grateful for its memory.

The last weeks of what I referred to as my Rumspringa were ahead of me, and one sunny afternoon I wrote the final pages of my novel. In a mad rush to edit, revise and complete my portfolio for official review, I never really sat with myself and what I had accomplished or congratulated myself; I wrote a book in seven months’ time, and even though I am unhappy with it (more on that later) there’s no denying that I actually did it. I did it, and nobody can ever take that away from me; it’s an accomplishment I will forever have, and it’s all my own. And I need to remind myself of that. I need to let myself feel proud.

I was back to work in September and taking a huge pay cut, though working the same hours. It was stressful, but once I found out my portfolio had been accepted and I, indeed, would be receiving my MFA I felt a bit at peace for a while. I had let my hair grow long all summer, and all but stopped wearing make-up (mascara makes me feel entirely dolled up now). I felt in an odd way free—almost bare.

The fall came and went fairly quickly—the weekends alone at home and grocery-store-only outings feeling more and more like normalcy. It had been such a tough, trying year, that it suddenly felt nice to just stand still for a bit. So, I did.

In a brief amount of time, I watched (safely) as friends got married, got sick, got older and fell in love. I watched, with great anxiety, as our country voted in the most important election of our lives so far and took the deepest breath I’d ever taken as I watched that man face defeat—although he’s yet to swallow it. I watched as ex-lovers had babies, got engaged and never really stopped to think twice about any of it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the safety (and not in a lame, “safety-net” sort of way) of having T in my life has turned me into someone who not only craves quiet time at home, but really also sort of fell right damn into it very easily, though unexpectedly. I’ve heard the saying so many times before, but you really don’t realize everything is different once you find the right fit because that place feels like it’s always been home. I am grateful to not only have that now and moving forward, but most certainly throughout the trying, unstable times of 2020. In fact, I don’t know how I would have survived without it.

The holidays always creep up on me, and after being dealt a shitty hand from work (don’t even get me started, I’m still fuming) they came that much quicker. T & I were lucky enough to spend the holidays back home in the swamp, visiting my parents and his Dad. The time went by fast but was relaxing, fun, and reenergizing. We spent New Year’s Eve playing giant Jenga and yard Yahtzee with my parents in the cool, tropical winter of Florida. It was nice. We got tired right around 11, so we laid in bed until midnight talking, staying awake just long enough to share our new year’s kiss. It felt right—a proper send off to such a strange and unusual year. I was exctly where I needed to be—wrapped up in a blanket of T’s embrace, comfy in a bed in my childhood bedroom.

So now, here it is: 2021—the supposed upgrade to 2020, or so everybody secretly hopes. So now, as I sit here, drinking a warm, soy-chai latte (homemade!) I find myself having great difficulty setting an intention for the days ahead of me. I feel so beaten and bruised and physically fatigued for no reason but the experiences of 2020 and the courses they ran all over my life. I’m feeling reflective of having finished yet another year of my life (and my Saturn return! Halleluj!) and finding it hard to be anything but fatigued. I guess it’s from the year that’s just finished—more so than any other year it physically pained me at times to be alive at times. I’m missing so many of my friends who I haven’t been able to see for extended months at a time now. I am craving a sense of normalcy, of safety, so that I can feel better about making plans, but as for right now I just don’t have it. I am quietly trying to make subtle changes within myself and how I react to the world around me, but just like the start of this new year, that process is a slow one.

One of my resolutions (though I’m growing to hate that word more and more with each passing year) is to get back to writing. I had a good, albeit stressful, thing going while still in school, and after finishing my novel and receiving feedback, I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute failure. It’s still there—it’s really hard to try and celebrate an accomplishment when you don’t feel like your work was good enough to warrant anything at all—especially not a fine arts degree. I never said I was a fiction writer—I just wanted to get better at writing fiction—so I need to remember that and allow myself to veer away from that for a while, to work on something new. Something I’ve been saying I’m not ready to write for many years now, something that when I now say that is just a plain old lie: My memoir. I’m ready to close the chapter in my life where I am a flight attendant, so the timing feels more than perfect.

I learned so much about what I want to do within my career and what sort of boundaries I don’t want to place on myself—and I’m trying, I really am. T gifted me with my own pottery wheel for Christmas and we are going to set it up this weekend and I am so excited to get my hands muddy and start creating. Until this year, I didn’t realize how much I needed a creative outlet other than writing—I had been depending on it for too long, my little cup felt bone dry. So, I’m excited to see where this new hobby takes me and how it influences my ability to return to the blank page—quite literally.

I know this year will not be the quick fix that so many are hopeful for—I think quite the opposite, actually. But here are some things I know for sure will happen: I will move out of my apartment and in with T. We will then, immediately get a dog and a new apartment. This, alone, feels like enough to fill the pages of the blank year ahead of us. I will go long periods of time without seeing my loved ones, and without traveling (bleak as this lifestyle may be). I will write, even when it’s hard to. I will publish something—I’m at work submitting pieces as we speak, and though the process is slow, I can tell this is my opportunity—I am ready t fight for it. I will turn 32, and the numerology of my life will seem more aligned. I will spend my birthday at home, alone, because of course Moulin Rouge has now been cancelled (I’m fine with it). I will learn more about myself the more I use my hands to create, to plant, to sculpt, to mold. I will love with fervor. I will smile more, because it’s actually healthier for you, even though my black heart hates to admit it. If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll get to attend a live concert, though I realize this might be wishful thinking at this point. I will do mushrooms and giggle with the colors. I will cry. I will hurt and I will cause harm. But through it all, I will persevere. Because if 2020 taught me anything, it’s that I am capable of regenerating into new versions of myself that I didn’t even have the time to dream up. I can adapt to whatever is thrown at me, though it will often times feel impossible. I can, and will, create. I can be reborn (as many times as I’d like to, too).

So, thanks, 2020, for teaching me more about myself than any other period of five years has ever taught me. I definitely feel like I’ve been through the ringer a couple of times, yet I find myself still standing day after day. It must be the way a domino feels, standing up, time after time, knowing that something right in front of you is about to knock you down. But instead of thinking about what I’m bringing down with me, I’m thinking of the entire collective as a whole—we are all experiencing this together. And maybe, just maybe, on the other side, there’s a kid with a smile waiting to do it all over again. And that’s perhaps where the beauty lays: we have to tear everything down in order to do better, be better, make change. Nobody likes to catch fire, but everyone loves rising from the ashes. We’ll all get to where we’re headed, one way or another. And eventually, I hope, we’ll see that the other side is better than we could have ever dreamt of.

I hope that 2021 is a bridge that brings us from destruction to creation. I hope the journey is long, so we all appreciate the outcome.

I love you all and wish you warmth and wellness into this year and beyond.

Happy new year—honor the circumstances you have around you and let them help you grow.

#me #personal

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thepancakeboi · 4 years

Text

My Demons

Spoilers below for Persona 5, told from Goro Akechi’s POV directed at Ren/Joker, written based off the lyrics of “My Demons” by Starset (the lyrics themselves are colored red). Starset is definitely one of my favorite bands of all time and after the sad-fest that was Liar, my “Goro Akechi isn’t dead” mindset had to write a sequel. So here it is in the beautiful, glorious mess that it is meant to be because...well, I’ll explain it at the end.

Starts on December 16th with each break being a time skip to the next day.

“Mayday! Mayday! Abandon ship!”

I barely repress a maniacal chuckle as shadows and cognitions alike run, bleating like the lost sheep they are. The grin spread wide across my face is the only crack in my otherwise calm facade. Wait, why are they panicking again? Oh, that’s right. The ship is slowly sinking around them. This chaos isn’t my doing, as far as I’m aware, but I bask in its glory. This is the chaos I had sought to bring to reality before...

Before what? What has changed? Was it...the fight against you, Joker, and your band of thieves? It’s the last thing I remember vividly. Sae’s Palace, the betrayal, shooting...you, finding out you were still alive and that you must be making a move on Masayoshi Shido, all of it leading up to this grand finale: the showdown between the former ace detective and the Phantom Thieves. I know why we fought. I had truly thought that I needed to eliminate everything in my way to get my revenge, no matter the cost. They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling of having everything you worked for so hard to be both so tantalizing close yet crumbling down into pieces. Their words meant nothing to me...at least, that’s what I had led everyone to believe. You, however, saw through the act, at least, I think you did. Even if your stupid feelings for me kept getting in the way at every turn, you were always one step ahead of me until the end where the wall separated us.

They're all around me, Shido’s cognition of me and the shadows ready to tear me apart should he lose to himself. Surrounding me, circling like vultures waiting for their next meal: Goro Akechi, the bastard son of this ship’s “captain”. They want to break me and wash away my colors from this world and the real one, but I refuse to go down without a fight. I face myself, our bullets fire, and-

That’s...the last thing I remember.

Everything else is a blur. I haven’t been able to think clearly since that fateful moment. My memory, usually so immaculate and infallible, has been failing me. I can’t recall anything, least of all how I survived. Had I fought tooth and nail through the hordes of enemies, desperate to survive another day? Did I perhaps summon Loki from the dredges of my waning strength in a last-ditch effort to destroy Shido’s plans for me? Or had I collapsed from exhaustion and been left for dead when I still had some sliver of life left in me? I find that I don’t know the answer to that question. All I know is that I’m still here, on this cruise ship from hell, feeling like I have nowhere else to go. In a sense, they did wash away my colors, and now all that’s left is my true self. The me I’ve been hiding for so long that it feels unreal.

It’s almost...freeing.

If only you could see me as I am. You could take me high and I'll sing like a canary of what I had done. I’d tell you of every little thing that led us to that moment. Maybe that’s what pushes me to make my way off the ship because I’m just now realizing that...

Oh, you make everything okay.

Okay...

Okay. Just a little bit further. My wounds from before make for a slow, painful escape but, through either some miracle or curse, I find myself back in the real world. I don’t stick around. I know you likely weren’t far behind, and I don’t really want you to see me like this: broken, hurt, and with no one to turn to.

I crash on my bed, finally able to rest after my agonizing escape. Normally, I would welcome the pain to keep my mind from going places I didn’t want. Not even this pain is enough to stop my thoughts straying to you. Even now, you’re just as distracting as ever. We are one in the same, similar in almost every way except for one: our ability to cope with our situation. I caused you so much pain and trouble, and despite what you said back there, I can’t bring myself to believe any of it could be true. But...you take all of the pain away.

Away...

Away is where I need to go. You wanted to save me, yet you can’t.

Even if I want you to save me if I become my demons.

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How-

I wonder if I cannot stop this sickness taking over. Something is clearly wrong with me if I don’t even remember yesterday clearly. Was it even yesterday? I don’t know. I think I escaped Shido’s palace, but I don’t remember how. Whatever it is that is afflicting my mind, it takes control and drags me into nowhere. It’s frustrating, not being able to remember.

I do remember one thing clearly: you.

You wanted to save me. I wouldn’t let you. I still won’t let you, even if-

I need your help. I don’t want your pity or any cliche bullshit. I don’t even want your damn forgiveness. I just want...

You.

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What-

I...think I remember reflecting on these lost memories before? I feel like I’ve pondered this, but I’m not quite sure. Whatever it is that is afflicting my mind, I can't fight this forever. In a spur of the moment decision, I turn the television on. What I see shocks me.

Masayoshi Shido, my father, is confessing to his evil deeds.

You...You actually did it. You...kept your promise. A sense of relief overtakes me. Everything is finally over. I’m free from his influence at long last.

Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Why am I even asking? I know you're watching, for you wouldn’t miss this moment for the world.

I can feel you out there, somewhere in the crowd...

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What happened regarding Shido? Did-

Didn’t something important happen...? I pull out my phone, hoping for some clue as to what has occurred. It’s apparently December 19th. Odd...I don’t remember the last...four days? Or is it five? Shit, I don’t remember-

Wait a minute...yesterday...didn’t...didn’t Shido confess his crimes? No one...no one’s mentioning it outside of lamenting Shido’s “poor health” or some bullshit like that. How could they acquit him so easily!? There’s also no mention of the psychotic breakdowns or mental shutdowns, or, more accurately, that I was the perpetrator. The thought of that makes me laugh. I’m almost tempted to go and turn myself in if only to do something regarding the piece of shit I had for a father. They could take me high and I'll sing of everything I did for that bastard.

I can’t, though. Not yet...it would be too hasty and reckless. I suspect Sae-san is putting together a case against Shido at this very moment. She wouldn’t be the type to let this slide so easily.

I...wonder what you’re thinking about all of this. All of your fighting, and for what? The public to ignore you? Oh, I know you though. You make everything okay.

Okay?

Hahah...okay. What a strange thought. It feels familiar though. Have I thought about this before? I don’t recall...

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What happened regarding Shido? Did everything go according to your plan? Where-

Have...I asked myself this before? Something doesn’t feel right.

We are one in the same, two sides of the same coin, thesis and antithesis as I had remarked all those months ago. It’s funny how my thoughts immediately drift to you. I guess I cannot help myself. I really did mean what I was thinking back then. I truly had planned on dying for you because...I love you. Oh, it’s hard to admit that. But you take all of the pain away.

Away...why am I staying away from you?

I want to find you and find out what you think of this situation, but why should I bother? I’m not worth a second of your time. You’re the hero, and I’m little more than a nuisance who realized too late that he was doomed from the start. My pride refuses to admit it out loud, but...I want you to save me if I become my demons. I need you to take me over the walls below, the walls I had built to distance myself from you. I want little more than to fly forever with you.

You probably think I’m dead. Maybe I should keep it that way. I don’t want you worrying over me, yet I also want to feel your warm, comforting embrace. I...I’m not sure what I should do. All I can ask of you is please don't let me go, for I need a savior to heal my pain when I become my worst enemy.

I don’t want to betray your trust ever again. I don’t want to be the enemy of the Phantom Thieves...of you.

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What happened regarding Shido? Did everything go according to your plan? Where are you? Why-

There’s this sense of deja vu in the back of my mind...like I’ve asked myself these questions before. It’s an unnerving sensation because I don’t remember if I have.

You could take me high and I'll sing like a canary of what I had done. I’d tell you of every little thing that led us to-

Wait a second. This sounds familiar. I know I’ve had this thought before, but the “when” or the “why” eludes me. I wonder if you would know. The thought of walking over to Leblanc almost gets me to leave my room for the first time in...however many days. I chuckle at my own foolish longing. I’m supposed to be dead. A dead man can’t just walk into the cafe of the rival who thinks he’s forever gone. Would you even want me there? I don’t know. All I know is that you make everything okay for me.

We are one in the same, two people locked by fate in situations we cannot escape, but while I cause misery wherever I go, you take all of the pain away.

—————

Shit, I thought I was remembering something. For a moment, I...I could have sworn there was some fragment of my memories I could latch onto.

Take me high and I'll sing... Wait, haven’t I had this thought before? The memories feel so close to clarity, but I either can’t or don’t want to remember.

Oh, you make everything okay...okay, okay? This is familiar too...but why?

I give up on trying to remember, for now. Instead, I let my thoughts drift to the one person that ever made me truly happy: you. Ren Amamiya, a simple transfer student who just happens to have a false criminal background. Akira Kurusu, a name I’ve seen you use a few times in more...dangerous situations. Joker, the charming and daring leader of the infamous Phantom Thieves of Hearts. Pick whatever name you’d prefer me to call you; they’re all the same raven-haired beauty who caught my interest that fateful day in June. We are one in the same...more than I can ever imagine. We’re stuck in whatever sick, cruel game the universe is playing with us. I really hope you can escape it because I know I sure as hell can’t. At least...not without your help...

Oh, you take all of the pain away...away, away-damnit, I thought I had it!

Am I...going insane? Am I remembering things that didn’t happen, thoughts that never existed? All of this is just so frustrating! Shit, do I need you so badly right now, if only to verify my own memories are real. I need you...need you to save me if I become my demons.

Speaking of demons, didn’t Shido confess...? A scandal like this would be all over the news, but there’s...nothing. I can barely contain my fury. Is the public really this foolish? I knew before that the judicial system had its corruption, but how can people be so complacent? They should be in an uproar!

So how the fuck have they not convicted him yet!?

—————

This last question breaks through the fog that has become my memories. For the first time, I feel like I’m thinking clearly. I...don’t remember anything before our fight, but...I feel like I’m not going to forget anything anymore. I may not remember when I said I wanted you to take me high and I'll sing but now it’s not important, because oh you make everything okay. And for once, I truly mean it. You made my life feel like everything could be okay.

Okay, so why is everyone saying all the changes of heart were psychological disorders? That the Phantom Thieves...never existed? Bullshit!

We are one in the same. No one remembers us. Either that or no one seems to care.

I know you won’t let this hold you back. If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you take all of the pain away, away from your targets, away from me. And now you’ll have to save all of society from their inept laziness. I still need you to save me if I become someone I don’t want to be, but right now there are greater things at stake. Shido has to be brought down, and justice has to be served. Even if it spells my own downfall.

I’ve made up my mind. I’ll go find you tomorrow. Surely you wouldn’t turn me away on Christmas Eve...right? I just hope you won’t reject me before I become consumed by my demons.

Alright so the explanation behind this bullshit, and the reason it’s a bit...repetitive with each day. So in the game, if you’re paying enough attention they make it very clear that the victims of the psychotic breakdowns do not remember committing the crimes/actions that they did.

Now remember who ended up using that same power on himself during the fight against him.

I’d go more in depth than that, but that starts getting into even deeper spoilers for things I haven’t actually experienced in the game myself.

#this is a mess #but it's a mess on purpose #does that make not a mess then?#source: starset #persona 5 fic #fanfic written with lyrics #p5 #persona 5 #p5r #persona 5 royal #goro akechi #akechi #ren amamiya #akira kurusu #p5 joker #akeshu #shuake #my demons starset

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donaidk · 3 years

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This isn't really F1 related but I really hope you don't mind me asking. I saw you mentioning first hand experiences with sexism and how you think about giving up dreams because of fears. As someone who's about to go into university could you tell me what you mean with those experiences. What happened? Ofc if it's triggering for you please just ignore this but thank you for your help if you can talk about it 💝

Hi Anon! Luckily it’s not triggering me in a way that I can’t talk about, just mostly makes me angry and tired mentally. But if it can help someone I will gladly talk about it and show you how it affects me personally. I wanna highlight the word personally because we are all different and what hurts me could be nothing special for someone else. Also, one more important thing, I don’t think that every male human being is the devil and please never think about everybody as someone who wanna hurt you, as most of them are probably normal people. But maybe let’s start from where it all started as I want you to see the whole picture if you’re asking for true help ☺️

Warning: Long, not so happy post mentioning different kinds of sexism around university studies and working somewhere that’s usually filled with mostly males

To start off: I'm not someone to take unhelpful and toxic criticism from anyone. I like to think that I'm aware what I'm capable of and who I truly am, without others trying to tell me how someone should act, speak and think. My family raised me to make my own decisions and navigate life in a way that makes me happy and not others who think they have a say in my life. That's why, most of the time, I did achieve what I set out as a goal for myself. It's never easy and everyone has breakdowns, sometimes more than they should when they tend to overthink situations. However, hitting your goals and getting to live a life which you imagined for yourself never comes easy, but people will never see the behind the scenes struggles you had on the way to your current position. So please, take my experiences with a grain of salt and if you wanna try yourself at something don’t hold back just because someone had bad experiences in the field. (Although, please do not choose it if you know for sure it will only hurt you!)

So the whole story: Back in May last year I imagined the last past months quite differently. I envisioned my family being proud of me for reaching a milestone successfully, meeting new - more mature - people who will finally look at me for who I am inside and not outside and also getting to study something that brought a smile to my face every second of the day when I was thinking about it. I choose my university carefully, knowing full well how none of them will be easy to complete, but at least wanted to enjoy the years I was about to commit to the community there. I had friends and aquintances, from both genders, telling me how much they enjoyed spending their Bachelor and Masters study time here and how it was such a loving community all around. I was ecstatic when I got the text that I got in, and throughout the whole summer I couldn't wait to start my first semester.

Fast forward to September/October right before all hell broke loose. I made quite a few friends, got to be part of a fantastic study group which stayed together even when we changed to online learning and most importantly loved everything I got to study. Yes, there were a few classes which were hard or seemed unnecessary but I still enjoyed them and thought I did quite well compared to how it was such a deep dive after high school. Then I slowly got a taste of a side of everything I knew will be there but hoped will somehow stay away from me. These are the first hand experiences I also mentioned under this Susie post as it was the whole point where I thought back to everything. The list goes like this:

Almost failing a class just because our female teacher thinks all girls sleep around or flirt their way through uni with all the male teachers/tutors, and thinks we have to be punished through making us fail no matter our knowledge of the class. I got given a thesis that i knew word-by-word, which was my fave to learn, and I still was clawing for the second grade in our system. Fair, right?

We have a teacher who's known for letting girls who dress pretty just for his class pass his class easier while he makes it hell for the others (girls, boys are graded for what they actually give in). It's common knowledge and looked at like it's completely normal behaviour.

In one class we have to send in homework and we can get 0-1 point for it, depending on how well it works. If you don't send it in you get -1, and at the end of the semester you have to have at least 0 points all together. But if you can't send it in, you have one more chance to do so in the next 7 days for 0 points no matter if it works or not. This is something every student gets to use and it's not a personal advantage. However, one of the boys in my class probably didn't pay attention and didn't know about it. Why is it important you may ask. Well, because when he heard me ask about it in his opinion I'm 'a bitch who uses her gender to get better grades and pass uni easier than others'.

The same boy has been harrassing two other girls in dms and made fun of them for their tiny mistakes. He also called me a bitch once again right in front of the whole class and our young male tutor (who I have to add I love because he's always helpful and never looks at us different), making the whole situation truly awkward.

Getting told by another student that they would be willing to share notes to me if I wore more feminine clothing and laughing about his comment with his mates.

Family members saying I probably chose what I did because I would have mostly just boys around me and that I should just give up if I feel like this is my only chance at finding a partner. At the age of fucking 19, where I'm sorry, but I had more important things to experience than chasing after boys who were all immature compared to what I was looking for. Same person saying that he thought I wouldn't be one for adult work, as it usually ends with us sleeping around for titles and positions anyways.

I also have to add again that these are of course the extremes, and at the same time I know several fantastic students and teachers who I love with my whole heart from both genders. But every memory gets stained when you get into situations like the ones mentioned above. It also makes me scared about the male-oriented atmosphere I'll have to work in, if the one I have right now, which is deemed a safe environment for all, already showed signs for being dangerous. It's also probably worse online as people get bolder by not having to show their faces or name while making comments and saying shit. But I still don’t want to let this change my mind about something I spent years on building up the plans for. Even if it will be hard I want to show that their stupid opinions won’t break me and will never stop me from achieving the final dream of mine.

Even though we are living in the change, it’s still not fully here and in my opinion won’t be here for quite a bit. But you can take part in it and help it move forward. I do change back and forth between getting my energy from these and letting it break me as I’m a human with feelings and not a robot, but what matters is which side will win in the end. Even if you feel like giving up, just try getting on with the next day. If the bad side can’t stay for long it won’t be the winner.

It’s a lot easier to get through if you have friends who support you, but it’s never gonna be actually easy. Things like this will hurt you, but also make you stronger in my opinion. It’s important that you know who you are and what you are like, and not just take everything that’s thrown at you. People who are trying to hurt you are cowards and deserve no attention. You’re the one living with yourself and the only one who actually knows who are you inside. Never let them change you!

I’m sorry for the late answer, but I wanted to truly think about this and not just give a quick and short answer that means nothing to someone who reads it. I probably went in circles a little bit but hope it makes sense. I also truly hope that you will enjoy university and that situations like these will stay out of your experiences throughout the years. Remember, that these aren’t setbacks, just hurdles that you will be able to jump over either today or tomorrow or another day. Just take everything as it comes and make your decisions only for yourself. Love ya and good luck 🧡

#tw sexism #dona's uni life #dona goes to ramble town #i probably don't make sense #even though i tried hard to build it up logically #if you have any questions still please message me again #i will try my best to explain it better #ask #donask #answered #anon

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yoolee · 4 years

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So I ended up in a difficult position. I was so stressed over everything going on, I struggled to focus on my last few assessments for my last year of degree. I have a feeling I failed and was told I can redo only the failed assessment free of charge, but next August. I’m just beating myself up over my struggle to cope, but what could I do over the year I wait for August? It’s just two essays I would write and hand over. Find work? Get work experience? Anything else?

Consider setting something on fire. It’s surprisingly cathartic, but also, do it in an empty parking garage with a fire extinguisher on hand that you know how to use, and make sure there are no security cameras or a lot of wind. Also??? Smashing glass bottles with a baseball bat? Very cathartic, but wear goggles and thick gloves and layers of padding.

BUT ALSO.

Don’t give up hope! It ain’t over until it’s over.

2. Go easy on yourself - We’re in an absolute shit show of a year. It’s BRUTAL. And yeah, some folk seem to be doing okay, and it’s exhausting and stressful to watch them sailing through the storm when it feels like your ship is sinking – but they may have a bigger crew helping them out. They may have had just enough headwind to give them the headstart. They may have a big ass leak they’re just really good at hiding. Your boat may have already been battered going into this, and it may have been okay if there hadn’t been a GD HURRICANE when all anyone was expecting was some light rain. Point being – don’t judge yourself against how others are presenting themselves right now. For one, I’m pretty sure everyone has had at least one behind the scenes breakdown, and two, your worth is not defined by your productivity during a global pandemic, societal unrest, social isolation, and any additional situational stress (mental health, family trouble, financial strain, uncertainty, chronic health issues) you’re juggling at the same time.

Shit you’re HERE.

You DID the assessments.

Do you know what a win that is?

IF you fail – then

3.1: it’s gonna be okay. It is. You have an IRONCLAD explanation if anyone asks you about it later in life (which, gonna guess people will see the year and rather than ask ‘why the gap’ will go ‘2020 – ah, yeah.’ And move on) which is, 2020.

And uh. This is another one of Lee’s kinda shady but it works notes but also please don’t use it unless it’s true? The best explanation you can give for a gap on your resume is caring for a relative. I’m not saying you should ever lie about this, because, seriously, outright lies WILL COME BACK TO BITE YOUR ASS. I AM saying that this is something every employer, every recruiter, and every empathetic human being understands. I’m also saying that if you phrase it as “My family and I were pretty heavily impacted by the pandemic, and academics had to take a second priority to getting back on our feet.” Then people will assume the former, even if what you mean is – my mental health took a hit, and my academics took a hit while I got back on my feet. It’s just a more societally acceptable way to phrase it that lets folks assume and fill in the blanks to their own experiences in a way that will generate sympathy. IT’S A LIL DICEY THOUGH so don’t bust it out unless you have to.

3.2 Talk to the department/school/test agency – ask if there is an exception to the retake wait this year due to the additional burden of the pandemic. It NEVER hurts to ask (and ask AGAIN – you got an answer from one person, ask someone else in a different position of authority or a different department). Ask if there is an alternate way to meet the requirement that you could work towards (some programs allow an exam in place of a thesis project, the reverse could be feasible). Ask what ALL the options are, and what they would recommend.

3.3 This is gonna sound. Asininely artsty fartsy I suppose but – embrace the year if it comes to that. It never hurts to get work experience, because it often comes with funding and that’s always nice, but also see if your profs have any TA positions or RA positions if you want to stay in the academic space, or if they don’t, ask other departments in the gen eds (I was able to TA as an undergrad this way). It’s kinda hard for me to suggest a path without knowing the details of your degree or the assessment, so apologies!

Hang in there, nonny. The good news is, humans are weirdly and fantastically adaptable. If this is our new normal, you WILL find yourself better able to cope with it as it goes on. That’s another reason why some peers may seem on top of things - their pace of processing is just different (and there are a thousand reasons why that may be, none of which are personal failings on your part so much as they are societal influences and structures and experiences that do not hit equally).

The hedonistic treadmill is often invoked to explain why good things stop pleasing us after awhile - but it works in reverse. Really shitty things eventually start sucking less.

#Anonymous

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eclare-draws · 4 years

Text

Mental Breakdowns & Hot Chocolate (Adrienette Fanfic)

I had a stress-related mental breakdown the other day because a draft of my thesis proposal was due (I got 30 minutes of sleep that night) so I wrote this to make myself feel better.

AO3

Adrien swore that he specifically told his girlfriend to not stay up too late working on her project. He almost believed her when she said she’d be in bed before he was even asleep.

The cold sheets that greeted him at 3:48AM as a paw smashed into his cheek told him that

Their cat was an asshole.

He was right to not believe Marinette.

Adrien sat up in bed and rubbed the back of his hand against his eyes, glaring at the cat who had just walked across his face and was now making herself comfortable on the pillow where Marinette’s head should have been. The cat, Shamrock, slowly blinked up at her owner before tucking her head between her paws. Adrien gave a sigh of annoyance at the creature while giving her a loving pat and putting on his glasses.

Making the easy decision to value his girlfriend’s well-being over his sleep schedule, he lazily got out of bed and made his way towards the living room, wincing slightly at the cold floor hitting his feet with every step.

In the dim lighting of their Christmas tree, Adrien could see the figure of Marinette curled against the back of the couch, laptop forgotten on her lap as her shoulders rose and fell with her slow and steady breaths and the occasional snore.

Taking the opportunity to observe her beauty and the melancholic aura she gave off, Adrien leaned against the wall and watched her for a moment before making his way over to the couch and squatting in front of her on the floor. He wondered for a moment if he could move her to their bed without disturbing her, but quickly thought better of it as she rarely made that trip without being woken up immediately.

How could one sleeping face make his heart swell as much as this one did? Adrien noted the way her hair smooshed against the cushions on the side and how her bangs had obviously been pushed back multiple times in frustration as they stuck up at awkward angles. Moving her laptop off of her lap, he saw how her legs stuck out a little beneath the blanket and he recovered them. Her lips were parted as a quiet snore passed through them with every few breaths. The soft light of the tree reflected on the softness of her skin and made her eyelashes look longer as they twitched slightly from a dream. While her face was relaxed, the way her brow was slightly furrowed and the bags under her eyes showed the stress that came with finals.

Marinette’s senior project for university had been keeping her up like this almost every night as she struggled just to finish conceptualizing it into a ten page paper. To her procrastinating heart’s dismay, her advising professor had made the finished draft due during winter break and she couldn’t seem to focus on it no matter what she did. She had spent many nights frustratedly ranting about how her advisor’s comments didn’t make sense and how he was failing to grasp her concept or how she couldn’t possibly know where the creative process would take her in three months, so she couldn’t say for sure right now.

Adrien gently placed a hand on her arm and rubbed circles when she didn’t immediately stir. After a moment, her eyes screwed tightly shut and her head slowly angled itself towards him before letting her eyes open.

“Hey,” Adrien whispered.

Marinette responded with a low hum and then ran a hand through her hair. “What time is it?” she asked in a low, gravelly voice as she shifted her weight to see him better.

“Almost four. You should come back to sleep.”

Marinette shook her head a little, “Have… Have to finish my… My thing.”

“So well spoken,” Adrien let the smile reflect in his voice while gently stroking a thumb against her cheek, “I think your thing can wait until morning.”

“It was supposed to be done at midnight,” she whined in response.

“Then it’s too late anyways. Let’s go to bed, bugaboo, you’ll be more comfortable there than on the couch.”

Marinette gave her laptop a forlorn look that quickly twisted into something much more pained before a sobbing breath shook her body and she began to cry. Adrien quickly got up and gently squeezed himself between her and the arm of the couch, wrapping his arms around her curled form and tucking her head beneath his chin as she twisted to cry into him.

He held her firmly in place as she let herself get out whatever she needed to. Adrien made quiet shushing sounds to calm her as he stroked her hair and back. He mumbled words of comfort into her ear as her stress and exhaustion finally overtook her.

Adrien had been prepping himself for this moment all week but all of his prepared motivational speeches vanished from his brain as her listened to her cry and felt the trembling of her body on top of his. All that he cared about was holding her and hoping that she never felt this way again (even if he knew she would certainly feel this way again and that he’d be at her side the moment she needed him to be).

He thought that filling her up with hot cocoa, cuddling by the fire, and laughing at bad Christmas movies all week had been relieving some of her stress, but it hadn’t been enough apparently.

He sat and rocked her, listened to her distressed blubbering as she finally showed him just how stressed she was. It broke Adrien’s heart to see her like this, but he knew she needed to get it out before she could go on.

After about ten minutes of her crying, Marinette finally started to calm down, taking deep, shuddering breaths to even out her breathing and stop the tears. Adrien continued to hold her, and when she finally looked up at him after a couple of minutes, he gave her a soft smile and asked, “Do you want me to make you some hot chocolate or tea?”

She gave a tiny nod, responding in a strained and almost gurgled voice that hadn’t yet recovered from the crying, “Hot chocolate would be nice.”

Adrien nodded and stroked her hair before trying to get off the couch, only to have Marinette tighten her grasp around his chest and let out a little whine. Adrien raised an eyebrow and chuckled a little at her reaction, commenting that, “I can’t make hot chocolate if you don’t let me get up, you know.”

Marinette buried her head back into his chest and mumbled something that sounded like, “Dumb cat can’t produce things out of thin air,” before letting him go and sitting up.

Adrien ruffled her hair a little before getting up, returning briefly to her height to push her bangs back and kiss her forehead. As he made his way to the kitchen, he couldn’t think of anything but how swollen her eyes had been and how her cheeks were stained with tears and some mascara she hadn’t removed. He’d seen Marinette cry many times before, but it still hurt to see her like this. Between being Ladybug, university, her internship, her online boutique, being the guardian, and still being an amazing person who helps everyone with everything, he was impressed by how well she managed most of the time. While it hurt to see her break down, he knew that it was better than holding it together all the time.

He stood in front of the stove, staring blankly at the pot as the hot chocolate bubbled inside. He almost didn’t realize he’d made it when he snapped back to reality. He produced their matching set of cat mugs and poured hot chocolate into each one before returning to Marinette, who was, to his dismay, on her laptop again, her eyebrows furrowed and teeth biting her lip.

He placed the hot chocolate on the table in front of her before sitting down next to her and draping an arm over her shoulders.

“I thought you were going to come to bed,” he pressed a kiss to her temple.

“I just gotta… Read through what I have. Make sure it makes sense before I go to bed,” she didn’t look up from her laptop, but gave his leg a gentle pat.

“Want me to look at it?” he sipped his hot chocolate.

“Nah... “ she shut her laptop. “I think I’m beyond caring. It’s just my draft, right?” She put her laptop on the coffee table and picked up her hot chocolate, leaning back on her boyfriend.

“Right.”

“I mean it’s not like there’s going to be a group of twenty people reviewing it for clarity and meaningfulness in a couple of months! No!”

Adrien knew there certainly was going to be just that and that his girlfriend was about to start another stressed rant. “Mari-”

“Or! Or that if, I don’t know, a year down the line, if I hate my project idea, that I can’t just change my mind and work on something else! No, that’s-”

“Marinette.” He put down his hot chocolate.

“Definitely not what’s going to happen! I’m not stuck with my god awful ideas for another eighteen months and graduation isn’t on the line and-”

Adrien didn’t want Marinette to get lost in her stress spiral again, so he cut her off with a kiss, gently pulling her into him with the arm around her shoulders. Once she realized that he was distracting her and not interrupting, Marinette melted into him, holding her hot chocolate tightly so she wouldn’t spill it all over them. He pulled away after a moment, taking her mug from her hands and placing it on the table before kissing her again.

This kiss was much more insistent than the first, both Marinette and Adrien pushing themselves into one another. Adrien’s hands moved to be around her waist and he turned her slightly so he could push her back onto the couch, not breaking the kiss. He knelt between her legs as they wrapped around his back and her hands moved to be draped around his neck.

Before the kiss got too heated, Adrien pulled back a little, remembering what his original goal was.

“We should go to bed,” he said, trying to ignore the way her hands rubbed circles into his neck and hair.

Marinette hummed thoughtfully, looking up at him from behind her lashes, “So forward, Mr. Agreste.”

Trying to not let a blush take over his face, Adrien responded with, “No! No. I mean- Yes. But. Not now? I- You need sleep. Real, actual sleep with a pillow and no kissing.”

Marinette wasn’t even subtle when she started laughing at his sudden awkwardness. Adrien pouted, knowing he should be used to flirty remarks after dating her for years.

In an attempt to get back at her for throwing him off, Adrien reached under her as she continued to laugh and got a good hold on her thighs before sitting up and standing up with her still wrapped around his torso, making her give off a quiet squeak of surprise.

“Adriiiiieeeen I wanna keep kissing you,” she said as he carried her towards their bedroom. She made sure to make her point clear as she planted kisses all over his face and whatever else she could reach.

Adrien plopped her down on the bed and sighed tiredly as she refused to let go of him.

“We can kiss when you wake up, but I don’t want any more kisses until you have at least five hours in you,” he said in a falsely stern voice, giving a “serious” nod so she knew he meant business.

“Or you could put something else in me,” she whispered into his ear, tugging him closer.

Adrien let out a strangled gasp of surprise before pulling away harshly, making her let go of him, to which she flopped back on the bed with a dramatic sigh.

“You’re no fun,” she mumbled as she tugged the sheets over herself.

Adrien started climbing in on his own side after removing his glasses, shooing Shamrock off the bed as she let out a rebellious meow. “I just want a well-rested bug for my smooching pleasure, that’s all.”

Marinette sighed and snuggled into his chest once he was settled. “Can I at least get a goodnight kiss?” she asked with a yawn.

Adrien happily obliged and their lips met for a quick and chaste kiss before she tucked herself back into him.

“You know, you get kind of needy and grumpy when you’re this tired,” he said jokingly.

Marinette didn’t respond.

Worried he’d offended her, Adrien gently stroked her hair saying, “Hey, I was joking. It’s cute. I love you.”

No response.

Adrien went to say something else before he heard a tiny snore come up from below him.

With a smile, he let himself relax into the pillows.

“Sleep tight, little bug.”

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xiubaek-13 · 4 years

Text

Nectar of the Gods

Prompt: Yoongi + “Not interested, thanks.” + “You’re lucky you’re cute because your taste in music is awful.”

Setting/AU: Coffee Shop

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2,003

“No.”

“Oh come on! No one else has a problem changing the station for me.” Your tone grew exasperated. You’d been at this for the past ten minutes and the green haired barista was not giving in. It was half your luck that he was working today. He didn’t normally take the morning shift on a Wednesday. You knew this because you practically lived in this cafe while you were working on your thesis. It didn’t have the best coffee but its baristas, present company excluded, were kind and let you take over the radio if you were having a rough morning.

“I do.” He was the only one who seemed hell bent on keeping you in a terrible mood. In fact, you were pretty sure he got some sick kind of amusement out of seeing you suffer.

“Why? There’s no customers in here. What’s the problem?” A reasonable question. You’d understand if the place was packed and they wanted to keep the easy listening going for the clientele but you were the only customer in the joint. The morning rush had long since passed so you had an easy hour and a half before the brunch and early lunch crowd started to trickle in. A sane person might tell you that you spent too much time here but luckily for you everyone was in the midst of hell week.

He shot you a look that wouldn’t be out of place on a soccer mum who was about to list out the reasons why her child deserved to be picked first for the team. You’d laugh if you weren’t so stressed. “Firstly, you don’t get to make demands and second, I’m listening to it.” He continued to clean and stack the cups and mugs behind the counter, looking a cool as a cucumber - the pun not lost on you - and not at all like the goddamned gatekeeper to your sanity who was testing your very last nerve.

You had three days to get this final edit done. Three days before you had to submit your thesis and today of all days was the day where your mind, having been overworked to its absolute limit, had decided to check the fuck out. You couldn’t concentrate on the words you were reading. Not over the inane noise that was coming from the speakers in the cafe. Any other staff member would have acquiesced and relieved you of your pain but not ol’ grumble mcdickface. Not your most original nickname but you were stressed. “You’re a jerk Min Yoongi you know that?”

He put the mug he was wiping down and laid his palms flat on the counter as he sighed with irritation. Like he was sick of this exchange and just wished that you didn’t exist or that he wasn’t stuck with you at this exact moment in time. “And you’ve become an entitled little shit. Now do you want your usual or not?”

Your kryptonite. Caffeine. You damned higher beings that you didn’t even believe in as your shoulders slumped. This cafe might not make the best coffee but of all of the baristas Yoongi was the most skilled. You kind of hated him for it, which he was well aware of. He didn’t even wait for you to give in and ask for your usual, he simply started making it. You grumbled “I should find another coffee shop, one who has polite employees.”

He didn’t miss a beat. “Caffiends is down the road. I ain’t stopping you from leaving.” He paused as he poured milk into a steel jug. “It lacks baristas who will call you out on your bullshit, seems like a dull alternative to me.”

If you were less stressed you might have picked up on the flirtatious teasing but you were too far gone. All you heard was cruel words and you just couldn’t bring yourself to engage with him any further. Your last coffee was over an hour ago and you were craving your next cup already. “Just. Give me my damned coffee. If you aren’t going to help me get through my final thesis edit 3 days before I have to submit it by changing the music then don’t withhold caffeine from me as well. That’s a human rights violation.”

He scoffed as he finished making your usual. “You aren’t the only one in the middle of hell week so no special privileges. I’m only here because Namjoon has a philosophy thesis due.” He slid your drink across the counter, ringing it up so that you could pay for it.

You didn’t even thank him, merely groaned something incoherent and trudged back to your table. Back to your own little bubble of thesis hell.

***

By lunch time you had only progressed a few pages. The weird mix of soft ballads and hip hop kept pulling your focus, to the point that you’d started to imagine jumping over the counter and smashing the laptop that was streaming the music.

The two of you might not get along but you couldn’t fault Yoongi for letting your caffeine buzz wear off. He made sure that your cup got refilled, even at the height of the lunch rush. He’d just silently appear with a fresh cup for you, place it on your table and clear the empty one.

At some point, you weren’t even sure when it happened, Hanbin - who you’d had the misfortune of being paired with during a particularly painful forensic science class last year - sat down next to you. If he saw the momentary look of shock and discomfort that made its way across your features when you finally noticed him sitting there, he didn’t show it.

“How is hell week treating you babe?” Memories came flooding back to you. Memories of him using pet names every time he spoke to you, of how he’d introduce himself as your partner to anyone you ran into on campus or while you were working together. You hated this guy. He just didn’t understand that you had zero interest in him and that he made you uncomfortable. Even when you’d told him so. He’d just called you funny.

“The same way I’m sure it’s treating everyone Hanbin.” You said icily. “How long have you been sitting here?”

“Woah, you must be really out of it doll.” He laughed. “I got here like five minutes ago. Did you seriously only just notice me now?” He feigned hurt. “My feelings should feel hurt.”

“And what? You figured ‘Hey I know I’ll just sit here and stare’ like that’s not incredibly creepy?” You snapped.

“Aw c’mon now babe. You know I’m not being creepy. You’re just so cute, how could I not look at you?” The saccharine tone he was using repulsed you. You’d been having a crap day before Hanbin turned up, yet it was safe to say that it was now infinitely worse. Before you’d been unable to focus on the words in front of you. Now, you just wanted to drive a fork through his stupid face since no matter how many times you told him you weren’t interested or how uncomfortable he made you feel, he never stopped.

A hand gripped your shoulder lightly as a coffee cup was placed in front of you. You looked up to see Yoongi reaching over you, something he’d never done before, in order to put a fresh coffee in front of you. His gaze was stony as he stared at Hanbin, with his stupid grin on his face, before turning to you, his hand squeezing your shoulder. “Hey, sorry. I know you told me earlier but with the lunch rush I simply forgot. What channel did you want me to change it to?”

You’d never heard this tone from Yoongi before. He sounded…. kind? polite? The fuck was going on? You had no idea what was going on but you weren’t going to pass up the chance to get the music you needed playing. You’d be able to get rid of Hanbin soon enough. “1990’s/2000’s Grunge and Rock.” You smiled up at him. He patted your shoulder and cleared your empty cup then headed back behind the counter, changing the music for you.

You’d decided that you’d either had a mental breakdown or you were having some weird dream because never in your wildest imagination would Yoongi ever yield and change the music for you. Never. In fact, he’d told you that it could be your last dying wish and he’d still refuse. Yet for some reason beyond your comprehension he’d done just that.

You were working overtime to get rid of Hanbin but he seemed set on building up to asking you out and would not leave until he’d wasted enough of your day while he built up the nerve to ask. It was an act, he had the nerve but he felt the need to pretend like he didn’t. God you hated him.

“So what do you say doll? Let me take you out once hell week is over. I’ll treat you re-”

“Not interested, thanks.”

They were the words you wanted to say but a different voice said them before you could. Behind you Yoongi stood with his arms crossed as he stared down at Hanbin.

“Dude, I wasn’t asking you. FYI.” He scoffed.

Yoongi sighed. You knew that sigh. It was usually directed at you if your bickering extended past ten minutes. It usually resulted in him handing you a takeaway cup, a subtle way of telling you to fuck off and leave. “I don’t know who you are,” He held up his hand as Hanbin moved to speak. “And frankly I don’t care but you are disturbing a customer of mine while she is trying to finish her thesis. More so, you have not ordered anything and this establishment is not for loitering. So, whatever it is that you are offering, she’s not interested. All she’s interested in is you leaving so that she can finish her work.” When Hanbin made no moves to leave Yoongi continued. “Oh did I not make myself clear? You have exactly ten seconds to get out of my cafe before I call the cops to have you removed. You’re done here.”

You stared at Yoongi silently and sipped your coffee, not making any eye contact with Hanbin. You figured if he couldn’t get your attention then he’d give up and leave. He was never one to handle having his fragile masculinity challenged in the way Yoongi was doing right now. After a pregnant silence and a muttering of “Dude, don’t make me count. Don’t be that guy.” you heard the sound of a chair scraping and footsteps retreating, followed by the chime of the door as Hanbin exited.

“Why’d you do that?” You asked.

Yoongi tilted his head as he looked down at you. “Well sweetheart, babe, doll. I got sick of hearing your bitchy tone telling him no repeatedly. He either doesn’t care that you said no or he’s a sociopath and I have no plans on my cafe being on the front page as the last place you were seen alive.”

You scoffed. “He’s never taken no for an answer. He’s a fucking creep.” You paused. “I guess I should thank you.”

“That would be the polite thing to do.”

“Thanks Yoongi.” You almost had to force the words out. You were genuinely thankful to him but saying the words out loud was another story. It felt weird, and foreign. You were used to fighting, bickering, and exchanging insults with this man, not feeling thankful and kind towards him.

He laughed and shook his head. “Next time you could try looking less like you’re thanking me for killing your cat and more like you actually mean it.”

“Fuck you Yoongi.” You chuckled as he got up and went back to the counter.

Ten minutes later you heard him complain. “You’re lucky you’re cute because your taste in music is awful.”

#kloversnet #thekpopnetwork #kpopwonderlandtag #kwordsmiths #bts fic #bts drabble #bts imagine #bts scenario #suga scenario #suga fic #suga imagine #suga drabble #yoongi fic #yoongi scenario #yoongi imagine #yoongi drabble

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intrulogical · 5 years

Text

sanders sides logan angst fanfiction list

so, this is how i’m going to do this: i’ll list the fanfictions out one by one and under each fanfiction i will state:

- their author

- the ships

- its summary or description

- the universe it’s set in (if there’s none, it’s not an au)

- status (whether it’s finished or not); and

- its warnings (additionally, i’ll also say here whether the fic has oc’s, sympathetic deceit, and hurt/comfort)

please be careful when you read these because it’s labelled angst for a reason. check the warnings before reading.

and, one last note: if i didn’t add any fanfiction you think should be on the list, you can reblog and mention the fanfiction or leave me an ask or message! since this list most likely will be updated over time, you can finds updates and new additions in the reblogs!

1. Supposed to Be

by: SkiaShadow (ao3)

ships: slight Virgil/Logan (can be read as platonic)

summary: “Logan is hurt by the others never listening to his rants but he thinks he shouldn't have feelings. Virgil comforts him.”

status: complete but the author implies they might add more in the future.

warnings: hurt/comfort

2. Liar

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Logan/Deceit

summary: none

status: complete

warnings: dark logan

3. There’s A Monster…

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “There's a monster inside of him.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt no comfort, no happy ending

(a little footnote: this author actually writes a lot of logan angst. i highly recommend checking out their tumblr because it’s literally scattered with angsty logan fics/headcanons.)

4. Marks

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “He was selfish, he was a smartass, he was stupid, he was an asshole, he was hurtful, he was boring, he was a hypocrite, and he was stubborn. He knew all of it, he knew his every flaw and downside.He knew what was wrong with him, and yet...it felt impossible to put an end to it. But then again, that was the very reason he didn’t…

He knew what he was like, and that was the very reason he didn’t stop them.

Because he deserved this, and he knew that he deserved this.

And everything that it entailed.”

status: complete

warnings: no happy ending, depressing thoughts, depression

5. Prove

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “Logan has started to notice a pattern among the others, and unfortunately comes to a startling discovery about not only them..but their resident snake as well.”

status: complete

warnings: depression, thoughts of death, knife (not used), morally ambiguous Deceit, cliffhanger

6. Promise

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: platonic Deceit/Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: “All it takes is one single phone call for Virgil to seriously contemplate murder.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, heartbrokenness

7. Him

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: ” It wasn’t a sudden realization that came over Roman and Patton, if anything it would have been slow in comparison to Logic’s way of thinking. But even so, he knew the exact moment that they knew, he knew it by the way that Roman’s hand fell to the hilt of his sword, and he knew it by the way that Patton clutched the fabric of his shirt right over his heart.

He knew it all.”

status: complete

warnings: dark side oc - carelessness, hurt/comfort

8. The Yellow Tie

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “Logan has exactly one yellow tie in his closet, none of the sides have ever seen him wear it. He knows that the others have forgotten about it, and thus rendering it useless. But even with that being said, only Logan knows when he’ll wear it, and only Logan knows why he’ll wear it.”

status: complete

warnings: self-deprecating thoughts

9. Again

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: Logan/Deceit, Patton/Roman/Virgil

summary: “Logan has come a realization, it by every definition wasn’t an easy one to come to, but in his eyes he needed to understand it. So he has, and it has led him to darkness that he is all too willing to embrace.”

status: ongoing

warnings: self-esteem issues, self-doubt, self-destruction, hurt/comfort, logan becomes a dark side

10. Choice

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: Virgil/Logan, Patton/Roman

summary: “Not having a voice is something that Logan was already well accustomed to, he’s gone all his life without speaking a single word. And really he’s fine living that kind of life, there have always been several ways to communicate outside of speaking. It is, however, the lack of choice in his life that hurts him the most.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

11. Rage

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: Patton/Logan, Roman/Logan, Virgil/Logan

summary: “There’s always more than one way to skin a cat, or in this case...there’s always more than one way to become heard.”

status: complete

warnings: intense nightmare, blood and gore (happens in the nightmare), hurt.comfort, vomiting

12. The Stars

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “Logan loves the stars, he loves space and everything that comes with it. He loves it so much that he finds complete peace and comfort within it, it soothes him and makes him forget everything that happens to be wrong with him. It's just too bad that the very thing he finds comfort in, also terrifies Virgil.”

status: complete

warnings: emotional attack, hurt/comfort, unhappy ending

13. The Day After

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: Logan/Deceit

summary: Waking up next to someone you love is supposed to be a nice happy thing, for Logan...it isn't.”

status: complete

warnings: one night stand, mentions of nsfw, sympathetic deceit, hurt/comfort

14. Twelve Seconds

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: None

summary: “All he needs is twelve second, just twelve seconds and he’ll be alright again. Twelve seconds, and then he can live the lie.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, emotional breakdown, anxiety attack, sympathetic deceit

15. Bottles

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: “One day when going to check up on Logan, Patton spies bottles lining the logical side's room. Bottles of all various colors and sizes, Logan assures him that they are nothing, but coupled with Logan's odd recent behavior, is everything as it seems?”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, bottling up emotions

16. The Bottle

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: “Semi-sequel to Bottles, one-shots delving into the different bottles that Logan has in his room, and how he comes to accept them.”

status: ongoing

warnings: hurt/comfort, bottling up emotions

17. No Title

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “prompt: ok so i’d like when you get scared logic shuts off right what if like whenever they’re in a high stress situation virgil just instinctively decks logan

Like afterwards virgil is so apologetic like “i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to do this you know that right like your voice just gets kinda annoying when i’m stressed so my arm just kinda-“

“This started out as an apology”

“Oh yeah right””

status: complete

warnings: mentions of bruises, mentions of injuries

18. The Jock… and Logan

by: Shay_Nioum or sidespromptblog (links are in no. 2)

ships: none

summary: “Logan is a nerd, that much is a given and something that he’s gotten used to over the years. One thing that he can’t get used to, no matter how much it happens, is the fact that people use and then subsequently leave him.”

universe: highschool au

status: complete

warnings: abandonment

19. Lists.

by: princelogical (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: Logan makes lists.

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

20. I’m Alive

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: platonic Patton/Logan

summary: “Theory; Logan is not a human being.

or.

Logan's going into his freshman year and he isn't quite sure what he is, but he's pretty sure it's not human.”

universe: highschool au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, childhood trauma, implied/referenced self-harm, mental breakdown

21. The Garage

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: none

summary: “Thesis: Logic can be replaced.”

status: complete

warnings: torture, psychological torture, aftermath of violence, aftermath of torture, hurt/comfort, dark side oc – apathy

22. Is There Someone Who Can Watch You?

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: past Roman/Logan

summary: ““Why did you leave me?”

“I had to.”

“You didn’t tell me why,” Logan choked out.

or.

Roman and Logan are exes who are still in love but Roman is a wanderer who just can’t… stay.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: heartbreak, heartache, drinking

23. apples and oranges

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: Virgil/Roman

summary: “Logan doesn’t remember the exact moment “girl” felt wrong but there’s this moment in sophomore year when he’s standing in front of the bathroom mirror and he feels like he’s seeing someone else.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: gender dysphoria, coming out, hurt/comfort, self-harm, homophobia, transphobia, internalized homophobia, non-sexual nudity

24. Stars

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: platonic Virgil/Logan

summary: “Breakups hit harder than Logan likes to admit.”

status: complete

warnings: breakups, hurt/comfort

25. summer (best time to fall)

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: Virgil/Logan, Thomas/Remy

summary: “Logan’s running record is three months and two weeks without saying a word. It’s starting to get on Virgil Sanders’ nerves because he remembers, wedged up with his ex-boyfriend, trading secrets at the crack of dawn, that Logan can talk and Logan can talk a lot. Something’s just happened between the start of summer and the beginning of senior year that’s shut him up. And Virgil’s gonna do all he can to figure out what that is.

Or.

The one where Logan’s too scared to speak anymore because he’s afraid of spilling a big secret, Virgil’s a concerned friend, Thomas has his first boyfriend, and Patton and Roman are just in for the ride.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, selective mutism, trauma, gun violence, mentions of sex, sexual humor, minor character death, ptsd

26. Don’t Let Me Think Weakly (Though I Know That I Can Break)

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: none

summary: “What did you mean by, ‘you’re lost’?“

Virgil sighed deeply, closing his eyes. "I meant a lot of things by it, Logan.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

27. Odd

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: none

summary: “Logan doesn't like to talk about his freshman year.”

universe: college au

status: complete

warnings: car wrecks, hurt/comfort, implied/referenced child abuse

28. Stone Still

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: none

summary: “Why couldn’t Logan have just been normal?”

universe: college au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, touch-starved, implied/referenced child abuse

29. Shaky Decline

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: platonic Patton/Logan

summary: “Logan’s burnouts start slow and progressively quicken to a forest fire where he’s in the middle of it all, stressing about an assignment due in three months.

or.

The 5 signs that Logan’s approaching burnout.”

universe: college au

status: complete

warnings: burnouts, bad eating habits, overworking, hurt/comfort

30. A Darkened Holiday

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: ambiguous or implied relationship(s)

summary: “Logan doesn't like Christmas; it's a stressful time of the year. This year doesn't look like it's going to be any easier with his parents on his back about a possible transfer, some moron who like to dress up as a prince, Patton's non-stop concern, Virgil's rotten luck, and what he feels to be an oncoming nervous breakdown.

He doesn't know what to do and he hates not knowing.”

universe: college au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced self-harm, implied/referenced suicide attempt, mental breakdown, mentioned sexual harassment

31. Sick Day

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: none

summary: “Logan's coming down with something and it brings about a bag of emotions that he did not request.”

universe: college au

status: complete

warnings: sickfic, mentions of abusive parents, hurt/comfort

32. Tumbling Into Love

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: queerplatonic Roman/Logan

summary: “Thomas is falling in love and Logan feels muted, terrified, and powerless. Roman knows how to help him let go for a moment and forget.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

33. Lies, Trust, and Communication

by: princelogical (links are in no.19)

ships: queerplatonic Roman/Logic

summary: ““You lie to Logan. He can’t ever fully make you happy. What you two have is pathetic you’ll get bored with him because you need something to please the sides of you he can’t feed.“

Roman feels anger, so scalding hot, wrench through him from his core and he draws his sword.

or.

After the video, Deceit comes along and tries to make a mess of things.”

status: complete

warnings: acephobia, slut shaming, emotional manipulation, deceit

34. I’ll Be Back

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: queerplatonic Roman/Logan

summary: ““It’s okay, Logan. We’re all assholes when we miss someone.”

“I do not… miss… that would be illogical to-”

“You’re allowed to miss someone,” Virgil says. “Especially him.”

or.

Roman’s been gone for 4 weeks and 3 days. It’s taking its toll.””

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

35. Fade (Prelude)

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: queerplatonic Roman/Logan

summary: “Logan feels his limbs shaking and he looks down. His heart comes to a stop- his skin is translucent, fading into mists that trail against the ceiling. Logan runs desperately to his door and wrenches at the knob to get someone’s attention to help him but the knob doesn’t budge. He pulls his hands back and goes to pound against the door but his fists shatter then evaporate. He opens his mouth to scream in desperation but his voice is smothered, raw, and choked- nothing but a garbled cry comes out.

Deceit appears in the doorway, sneering. “He’s not in love. We’re not doomed, Logan. Thomas is gonna be just fine. You can convince him to change his mind. Things are gonna be okay-”

or.

Logan hates it when Thomas falls in love.”

status: complete

warnings: mild body horror, nonsexual nudity

36. Fade (Intermission)

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: queerplatonic Roman/Logan, Patton/Virgil

summary: “Virgil can tell that Logan’s having a bit of a hard time. It’s not his job to reassure Logan- but he’s going to anyway.”

status: complete

warnings: none

37. Fade (Cessation)

by: princelogical (links are in no. 19)

ships: queerplatonic Roman/Logan, Patton/Virgil

summary: ““You’re up at two in the morning making coffee and leaving me all alone in my cold, cold room.”

“Roman, it is June. And Thomas resides in Florida.”

Roman laughs and grips onto the counter, hoisting himself up to sit. “Pour me a cup, would you?”

“You hate coffee.”

“I do,” Roman says with a smirk. “But if you’re up, I’m up too and we’re talking.”

or.

It’s time to talk some things out.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, arguing

38. Illogical

by: PeridotWritesFic (ao3)

ships: Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Logan has a problem that requires input from Virgil.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

39. when i was your man

by: sandersidesquotes (tumblr)

ships: past Patton/Logan, Patton/Roman

summary: none

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: heartbreak, no happy ending

40. A Fool, A Jest

by: coconutcluster or coconut-cluster (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Patton/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: ““A fool, a jest,” they sang, “an idiot in disguise, oh, what a horrid ruse."”

status: complete

warnings: nightmares, hurt/comfort

41. And It Was Work He’d Do

by: coconutcluster or coconut-cluster (links are in no. 40)

ships: none

summary: “There were times Logan got tired. Obviously, of course - there were times everyone got tired, so it wasn’t particularly distressing, or even shocking, despite his being a figment in Thomas’ mind and not a human being with incessant needs; fatigue tended to be a nuisance to him above all else, really, an impediment to his productivity. An inconvenience. Nothing more.

But this… this was different.”

status: complete

warnings: overworking, exhaustion, fatigue

42. Error 8246

by: coconutcluster or coconut-cluster (links are in no. 40)

ships: Patton/Logan (it’s basically Deceit taunting Logan because Logan has a crush on Patton)

summary: “Logan had a bit of a knack for seeing the truth.

He wouldn’t call it a talent, of course, and certainly not a “sixth sense” as Roman so belatedly suggested - it was simply a tendency to notice changes in body language, a psychology trick, really, but crucial to his job; to correct any falsehoods Thomas told himself was one of his main duties, and the ability to identify them quickly was more than useful.

But it wasn’t foolproof.

(aka an angsty Loceit interaction, directly after the events of "Can Lying Be Good?")”

status: complete

warnings: taunting, emotional manipulation

43. Define Beauty

by: CamilleNicole59 (ao3)

ships: none

summary: “Logan is dissatisfied with the isolation that his lack of comprehension brings him, which separates him from the others. As a result, he tries.”

status: complete

warnings: anxiety attack, stress, feelings of inadequacy

44.Written on Paper

by: JustGalactic or justgalactic (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: platonic Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan, platonic Virgil/Logan

summary: “Logan is in charge of facts. They all come to him on small pieces of paper. Sometimes, they fly in on paper airplanes. The paper planes taunt him, and paper storms and paper avalanches make him worry for the other sides.

Or:

Idioms are real and incredibly distressing.”

status: complete

warnings: blood, brief talk of implied/referenced self harm

45. Unanswerable Questions

by: JustGalactic (links are in no. 44)

ships: none

summary: “Logan left the others to their issues. What did he do while they stayed in Patton's room?”

status: complete

warnings: none

46. Who Cares?

by: JustGalactic (links are in no. 44)

ships: none

summary: “Do the fans like Logan as much as the others? If they don't, how can he make them like him? And, god, why did Thomas want to do a video about personal identity?”

status: complete

warnings: self-harm, self-hatred

47. Mistakes

by: JustGalactic (links are in no. 44)

ships: none

summary: “A long day and a single mistake are all it takes to send Logan spiraling down.”

status: complete

warnings: self-harm, self-hatred

48. Stay in the Equation

by: RainbowMartin or rainbow-sides (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “A depressed and suicidal Logan is helped by a kind stranger and finds himself becoming a part of a family.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: depression, implied neglectful parents, homophobia mention, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, suicidal thoughts

49. Fallacy

by: RainbowMartin or rainbow-sides (links are in no. 48)

ships: none

summary: “Logic is not infallible. Logan finds this out the hard way.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

50. Come Home

by: very-bitterly-jittery (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “A little drabble about Logan facing his fear, becoming a dark side, with Deceit there to help coax him through it that is completely based on the theory that all dark sides have two different eye colors. There also might be a part two if I figure out how to describe outfits.”

status: complete

warnings: dark side logan, sympathetic deceit

51. Keep Your Eyes On Me

by: very-bitterly-jittery (links are in no. 50)

ships: none

summary: “Part Two to Come Home.”

status: complete

warnings: dark side logan, deceit mention

52. No Title

by: sirpuppetuniverse (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “prompt: Okay but,an episode where Logan cries.”

status: complete

warnings: none

53. Alexthymia

by: GraeWrites (ao3)

ship: platonic Patton/Logan

summary: “Alexithymia: noun. Meaning difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses. (Or: human touching is an inherently emotional need and therefore, Logan cannot be touched-starved because he is Logic. At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.)”

status: complete

warnings: touch starvation, hurt/comfort

54. Making Mistakes

by: IronWoman359 (ao3) (tumblr)

ship: platonic Patton/Logan

summary: “Logan takes it upon himself to remind the other sides that it’s ok to not be perfect. But he’s not very good at taking his own advice, and it takes Patton to show him that.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

55. The Most Dangerous Lie of All

by: SocialBookWorm (ao3)

ship: none

summary: “The most dangerous lie of all …..is the one that we tell ourselves.

Or: Logan’s put them all in more danger than he ever realized.”

status: complete

warnings: panic attacks, implied/attempted gaslighting, self-deception, manipulation

56. Whoops, Angst

by: fanartfunart (tumblr)

ship: none

summary: “Logan‘s feelings are normally masked and hidden away, and sometimes those feelings reveal themselves.”

status: complete

warnings: no happy ending

57. Triangles are the Strongest Shape

by: OneLetteredWonder (ao3)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: “In a mathematical sense, triangles hold more power in their shape than any other. Three legs are needed to make a table stand as well as support whatever to be put on top of it. It’s stable and strong. Each end connected to the other. Each pieces supporting the other. Each hand able to hold another.

While Patton, Roman, and Virgil are enjoying each other’s company, Logan is left out. He supposes that’s for the best, as a non emotional trait, they don’t really need him in the way.

But he's very, very wrong.”

status: complete

warnings: none

58. Exhausted

by: Fangirltothefullest (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “Just a vent fic for Logan and college class work based on an experience of my own.”

status: complete

warnings: overworking

59. Logan, What Do You Need?

by: Fangirltothefullest (links are in no. 58)

ships: none

summary: “Patton realizes Logan never expresses his own wants and doesn’t know how to say no to them. So he, Roman and Virgil decide to confront him about it.”

status: complete

warnings: sickfic, hurt/comfort, talks of abuse, emotional suppression

60. Logan: “Emotions Are Not My Thing”

by: Fangirltothefullest (links are in no. 58)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: “Logan has a mental breakdown because he is in love with Patton and he has no idea how to comprehend this knowledge.”

status: complete

warnings: none

61. Brave of Heart and Calm of Mind

by: Feather_Quill_Ambition or just-fic-me-up (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: ““There's no use apologising,” comes Patton’s voice, casual and hard in a way it’s never been, as he busies himself with examining the pile of objects on the couch. He doesn't look at Logan at all. “Not unless you mean it.”

He sounds so non-expectant that something in Logan’s chest floods.

“I know,” he says, forcing the words past the dryness in his throat, and Patton pauses. “That’s why I'm here.””

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, self-doubt, self-hatred

62. It’s (Not) Logical

by: Ash__Gray (ao3)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Logan internalizes the pain of the other sides, taking it on himself rather than letting them be hurt by illogical things, like dragon witches, the imagination, or themselves. But as injuries keep escalating because the sides find themselves almost invincible, how much of the illogical pain can Logan stand?

In which Logan accidentally takes on a role with shoes he could never fill.”

status: ongoing

warnings: implied/referenced self-harm

63. Isolated

by: im-a-queer-fander (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: none

status: complete

warnings: panic attack, loss of hearing aid, food mention

64. Logan Angst

by: im-a-queer-fander (links are in no. 63)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: none

status: complete

warnings: panic attack, self-deprecating thoughts

65. little high little low

by: dear_chaton or dear-chaton (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Roman/Logan (but they’re arguing so…)

summary: “Or the one where Logan might've messed up, just a little bit.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt no comfort, not a happy ending, arguing

66. A Shattered Hope

by: Wrenny_Fang_03 or dailypattondoodle (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: platonic Roman/Logan

summary: “Prompt: If you’re still taking requests, might I suggest “shatter” hurt/comfort with Logince?”

status: complete

warnings: slight internalized arophobia, hurt/comfort

67. False Care

by: Wrenny_Fang_03 or dailypattondoodle (links are in no. 66)

ships: none

summary: “Prompt: Roman and Logan angst, “I thought…I thought you cared…””

status: complete

warnings: arguing, yelling, no happy ending

68. I Wish I Never Met You

by: Wrenny_Fang_03 or dailypattondoodle (links are in no. 66)

ships: established Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: ““I wish I’d never met you…”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to pain you with my death!!””

universe: highschool au

status: complete

warnings: self harm, depression, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, hurt/comfort

69. Forgotten

by: Wrenny_Fang_03 or dailypattondoodle (links are in no. 66)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan/Deceit

summary: “Logan thinks that after the last video, the others wouldn’t care about his birthday. His solution: don’t even bother showing up unless he’s summoned.”

status: complete

warnings: panic attack, yelling

70. the stress on my back’s been severing my spine

by: defectivedeviant (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically), brief romantic Roman/Logan

summary: “ the thought of feelings made him uncomfortable, before. happiness and sadness and love; it made him vulnerable.

it was better to close everything off; and that's how he became a robot. he kept everything at an arms length. attachment was useless, like himself, and it would stay that way.

until the floating started. ”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: implied/referenced self-harm, implied/referenced suicide, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, depression, hurt/comfort, panic attacks, implied sexual content, suicidal thoughts, seizures

71. Too Loud

by: randomfanderfriend (tumblr)

ships: platonic Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan, brief past Roman/Virgil

summary: “Logan finds himself unable to convince himself that he is fine.”

status: complete

warnings: self-hatred, loneliness, breakdown, intrusive thoughts, fighting, yelling/screaming, self-harm, brief blood mentions

72. Forgotten

by: randomfanderfriend (links are in no. 71)

ships: platonic Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: “Logan isn’t surprised that he’s been forgotten. But he’s indeed disappointed.”

status: complete

warnings: self-hatred, lack of self-worth, isolation, ambiguous deceit, food mention, unhealthy imagining

73. Loop

by: thealmostviki (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “"Do you believe in ghosts, Logan?"

"No." The answer is easy. "It's highly unlikely."

"Why do you say that?" Virgil's voice is careful, although Logan can't imagine why. The statistical probability of ghosts is so low there's no point wasting the thought. The idea that the spirit of something could be tethered to a physical artifact, the implication that living things even have souls, is too metaphysical to fully be determined through any degrees of natural science. Logan tells Virgil this, and Virgil's mouth presses into a line. At first, Logan thinks he's going to argue, but he doesn't. He just shrugs and puts his earbud back in.

"Okay. I was just wondering."

Or: Logan hasn't seen another human being in three years. Then Virgil moves in, and Logan is forced to confront his loneliness head-on, whether he likes it or not.”

universe: human au, ghost au

status: complete

warnings: death, non-graphic violence, ghosts

74. Pursed

by: thealmostviki (links are in no. 73)

ships: Patton/Logan, Patton/Roman/Virgil

summary: “The situation is this: Logan and Patton have been dating for two years and three months when they meet Virgil and Roman. Six months later, Patton asks Logan permission to date them, and Logan reluctantly agrees. Two months after that, the nightmares start again.

Or: Logan is insecure and bad at communicating his needs.”

universe: human au

status: complete

warnings: nightmares, miscommunication

75. Serious people wear neckties

by: Thuri or sanders-sides-thuri (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “The conclusions he’d come to were unavoidable. Logic could work most effectively if the others–particularly Patton–took him seriously. If he focused solely on Thomas’s continued well-being and didn’t again let things devolve to the point they had before.”

status: complete

warnings: cursing, self-doubt

76. Illogical

by: Thuri or sanders-sides-thuri (links are in no. 75)

ships: none

summary: “Did someone say Logan angst?

Character introspection, in which Logan tries to work through his feelings. Or at least, on specific feeling.”

status: complete

warnings: one-sided attraction

77. Evidence was Mounting

by: Thuri or sanders-sides-thuri (links are in no. 75)

ships: none

summary: “Logan can no longer ignore the facts. He's not needed.”

status: complete

warnings: none

78. The Voice in my Head, It Lies

by: supercalivirgilistic or sortablue (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “The thoughts had been growing, festering, from the start. He couldn’t tell anyone. They couldn’t know that he was one wrong step away from breaking down.

Not Logan. Not logic. Never him. They couldn’t know.

Or, well...”

status: complete

warnings: panic attack, breakdown, self-deprecating thoughts, hurt/comfort

79. C+ For Creativity

by: Treble (Cutty_Ren) or of-treble-and-dragons (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: “Logan tries to make himself more creative but things don't work out in a way he expects.”

status: complete

warnings: self-deprecation

80. Compassion and Attrition Left Misspoken

by: Treble (Cutty_Ren) or of-treble-and-dragons (links are in no. 79)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: none (but it is the sequel to the previous fanfiction.)

status: complete

warnings: depression, character abuse, verbal abuse, torture, psychological torture, mild blood, forced kiss, suicidal thoughts, self-deprecating thoughts

81. Silence

by: aliferous-ly (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “Deceit messes with Logan.”

status: complete

warnings: evil deceit, name-calling, muteness

82. …Is Not Always Bad.

by: aliferous-ly (links are in no. 81)

ships: none

summary “Logan doesn’t like being silenced. (sequel to Silence)”

status: complete

warnings: helplessness, muteness

83. Ambitious

by: aliferous-ly (links are in no. 81)

ships: none

summary: “Virgil, ironically, religiously completed his homework while Logan finished much of it two or one night before the test (when the homework packet was checked to gain the option of correcting a test). Logan’s approach was not at all systematic, but had worked thus far.

Well… until, that is… calculus.”

universe: highschool au

status: complete

warnings: incompetency, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of thorns (used as a metaphor), not a happy ending

84. Exoskeleton

by: virmillion (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “the honors zoology-inspired fic that no one asked for”

status: complete

warnings: OCD, heavily described food, fighting, unhappy ending, derealization

85. No Title

by: virgilsjourney (jenna211b) (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: “For the prompt list, ‘ call me now, it’s urgent’ logicality?”

status: complete

warnings: grief, death of a parent

86. Reassessing

by: virgilsjourney (jenna211b) (links are in no. 85)

ships: platonic Patton/Logan

summary: “Takes place some time after the Moving On resolution. Logan and Patton are still treading on eggshells around each other, and have a much needed talk.

---------------------------------------------

“Patton?” Logan says. His voice is quiet and careful.

Patton looks up. There’s a steely glint to his eye that has Logan automatically taking a step back.

“I never said you could come back in here,” Patton whispers accusingly.

It’s an awful thing, Logan thinks, to hear him sound so cold.

“I know you- I’m sorry. I only meant to-”

“Just go.” Patton bows his head, clutching onto the photographs even tighter. “I know you don’t like my room, anyway. You don’t like feelings.” His voice cracks a little: “You don’t like me”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, grief

87. No Title

by: nyxwordsmith or NyxWordSmith (tumblr) (ao3)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Prompt: "Who- who got a dog?" "I thought we could use the company." "we already have SEVEN!"”

status: complete

warnings: shouting, swearing

88. Time Stands Still

by: nyxwordsmith (links are in no. 87)

ships: Virgil/Logan, background Patton/Roman

summary: “After an awful accident, Logan clings to the only constant he has left, Virgil.”

status: complete

warnings: car accident, nightmares, PTSD, broken bones, amputation coma, exhaustion, hospital

89. Silence is Golden

by: ahoardofside or Listless_Songbird (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: platonic Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan, implied Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Logan feels like when he speaks none of the other sides truly pay attention, and so he creates an experiment to determine what the optimum amount of words that he could speak a day would be.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, negative thinking, panic attack

89. to make matters worse (and worse);

by: prouveyrac or ethospathoslogan (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Patton/Logan

summary: “Logan had expectations that he might as well have been required to meet. They were set up for him, a perfect mold to fit the image of what he should be.

But what happened when the mold began to crack?”

universe: college au

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, drunkenness, alcohol, stress/anxiety over grades

90. our place under the cosmos;

by: prouveyrac or ethospathoslogan (links are in no. 90)

ships: none

summary: “Logan found comfort in the cosmos. Typically. However, after their run-in with Deceit, he looked up and saw only the vast abyss.

Luckily, he finds himself not alone.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

91. windows error;

by: prouveyrac or ethospathoslogan (links are in no. 90)

ships none

summary: “The subconscious distorted logic and twisted it into something that never should have existed, twisting it into errors in a code that was never meant to be anything good in the first place; twisted it until Logic was no more.”

status: complete

warnings: evil deceit, described body horror, unhappy ending

92. When It Rains (It Pours)

by: rosegoldroman or rose-gold-roman (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “Logan’s facade is slipping — and all it takes is an argument with Roman to make it break entirely.”

status: complete

warnings: arguing, fighting, no happy ending, yelling

93. Pathetic.

by: PrinxietyGodfairy (ao3)

ships: one sides Patton/Logn, past Logan/Deceit, Roman/Deceit

summary: “It was just a picture, not more than a memory preserved with glass, strewn on a frivolous site, with the only purpose of letting others in on an alienating but addicting filtered blink of happiness.

And it hurt.”

universe: highschool au

status: complete

warnings: mentions of vomit, mentions of blood, allusions to self-harm, no happy ending, mentions of alcohol, mentions of death

94. a(pathetic)

by: unring-this-bell or plumcat (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “"People are supposed to understand themselves and others, to know who they are and he… doesn't. He knows he is a person but sometimes he doesn't feel like a proper one— more like a robot, a failed approximation of a human that seems functional only if one doesn't look too closely."

(a character study.)”

status: complete

warnings: self-hatred, insecurity, negative thinking, anxiety, existentialism

95. No Title

by: unring-this-bell or plumcat (links are in no. 94)

ships: none

summary: none

status: complete

warnings: none

96. No Title

by: always3charcoaltea (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “Prompt: “Imagine if Logan just stops talking, but no one comments on it, so he thinks no one cares. One day he just doesn’t leave his room and ignores everyone’s attempts to get too him.””

status: complete

warnings: none

97. No Title

by: always3charcoaltea (links are in no. 95)

ships: none

summary: none

status: complete

warnings: loneliness, themes of self-destruction, antagonist logan, drowning (used as a metaphor)

98. Sleep Paralysis

by: Shadowmightwrite17 or background-noise-headache (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: Virgil/Logan

summary: “It's well past midnight and Logan is the only one in the mind palace not trying to sleep. The problem is that it's keeping Thomas awake at night too, and not even Virgil can convince Logan to pause his work and go to bed for the benefit of everyone else.

Then Deceit sneaks into Logan's room and puts him in a trance that leaves him paralyzed and under a crushing pain. Deceit leaves him there in the dark, alone. But someone comes back for Logan.”

status: complete

warnings: hypnotism, sleep paralysis, nightmares

99. Wishful Thinking

by: i-will-physically-fight-you or Listenerofshadows (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: platonic Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: ““Wishes are illogical, and it’s not befitting for him to indulge in it. But this is an experiment; nothing more and nothing less. Logan likes conducting experiments to prove the validity of facts and that’s all there is to the matter.” / In which Logan folds a thousand paper cranes to see if good luck will follow suit.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

100. Astraphobia

by: i-will-physically-fight-you or Listenerofshadows (links are in no. 99)

ships: none

summary: “Logan flinches, despite his anticipation. It’s an involuntary flinch, because he knows it’s irrational to be afraid of thunder storms. He knows fear. Logic fears things that cannot be explained. The unknown. Things like the vastness of the ocean and the uncertainty of space. There is nothing to fear about storms, however, as long he stays indoors. He knows this and yet he cannot help wondering, what if?”

universe: human au

warnings: blood mention, hurt/comfort

101. Star Light, Star Bright

by: i-will-physically-fight-you or Listenerofshadows (links are in no. 99)

ships: platonic Roman/Logan

summary: “Every night, Logan would climb onto the rooftops to stare at the stars. He wants more than anything to become an astronomer. But how can he become an astronomer when his eyesight is failing him?”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort, arguing, implied verbal abuse

102. Burnout

by: ilovereadingandilovebreathing (tumblr)

ships: platonic Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan

summary: “There’s been a lot going on in the Sides’ world lately, and Logan will learn that he doesn’t take proper care of himself, it’ll come back to bite him. (Post-12 Days of Christmas video/Holiday time setting)”

status: complete

warnings: stress, physical discomfort (troubled breathing, heavy chest), panic

103. No Title

by: loqicality (ao3) (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “Prompt: “you didn't ask for a 2nd one but ANOTHER ANGST LOGAN HC I have is that like he tries so hard to connect to the others, even though it's hard for him to, and one day he'll just stop. He learns slang, he plays along with their antics, he *tries* and someone pointed out on here that no one ever makes that same effort for him. When he disappeared in the Nostalgia episodes, I think it's going to lead to a bigger event where Logan either pushes too hard "logically" or gives up trying to collaborate””

status: complete

warnings: none

104. No Title

by: loqicality (links are in no. 103)

ships: none

summary: “Prompt: “a logan angst hc? i feel like whenever he and virgil clash, that's when logan (*if* he had feelings) hurts the most. Roman is so fanciful and anti-realistic, and Patton is so emotional, he can't relate. But Virgil he's the closest to, physically and literally, and the one he has the most in common with. So when Virgil dismisses his intellectual input or attacks him for causing Thomas unease, it cuts like a knife. I think Logan thinks of them as on the same side, and it hurts when they're not.””

status: complete

warnings: none

105. Not So Emotionless After All

by: lilygold23 (tumblr)

ships: none

summary: “Prompt: “Lonely (for Logan Sanders please!)””

status: complete

warnings: none

106. Not It’s Intended Purpose

by: love_write_edit_sleep (ao3)

ships: can be seen as any pairing

summary: “Logan believes Patton Bucks are worthless for Logic. He does not need ‘small favours’ or ‘little treats’, nor does he need the fatherly love the Moral side provides. So why not give away his Patton Bucks for his own benefit?”

status: complete

warnings: insecurities, touch-starvation

107. Letters On Paper

by: love_write_edit_sleep (links are in no. 106)

ships: none

summary: “16 year old Logan gets a bad report card and struggles to show it to Patton, fearing his reaction. Instead, he hides it and hopes Patton will forget about it. Of course, he doesn’t.”

status: complete

warnings: self-esteem issues, PTSD, hurt/comfort, panic attacks

108. 5 Times Logan Almost Let His Guard Down, And 1 Time He Tried So Hard Not To:

by: love_write_edit_sleep (links are in no. 106)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Logan, or Logic, has a reputation: Cold, Emotionless, Robot… But that’s not who he is. Not really. It’s just who he believes he has to be.”

status: complete

warnings: hurt/comfort

109. 5 Times Logan Didn’t Speak And 1 Time He Did:

by: love_write_edit_sleep (links are in no. 106)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Logan refuses to speak after a rough argument amongst Thomas and the other Sides. The Sides try and correct their mistake...”

status: complete

warnings: self-hatred, insecurity, self-esteem issues, hurt/comfort

110. [L]unacy… [O]verwrought… [G]oing [I]nsane… [C]razy...

by: love_write_edit_sleep (links are in no. 106)

ships: Patton/Roman/Virgil/Logan (can be viewed platonically)

summary: “Logan goes to Virgil when his work drives him to near-insanity from the stress. The shadows in Virgil's room decide to lock Logan in and play with their new toy.

This is not a nice fic. Please don't read if you're easily triggered.”

status: complete

warnings: self-harm, blood, self-torture, self-hatred, near suicide, knives, hurt/comfort, no happy ending

111. Scales

by: darkcirclestars (tumblr)

ships: Logan/Deceit (can be viewed platonically)

summary: none

status: complete

warnings: blood, picking, throwing up, self-injury, sympathetic deceit, character passing out

and that’s it so far! remember to notify me if there are any fics i missed and please reblog this if you can!

taglist:

@musicallyroserie @benjaminclareyrobar @mushroom-gardens-and-clockwork @sanders-sides-love-astronomy

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #ts logan #ts logic #angst #logan angst #fanfiction list #fanfiction #my post #long post

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sellmedoves · 4 years

Text

my college experience

College. I started college in 2016. I was excited that whole summer because I got to have a fresh start and leave high school behind me. I moved into a dorm with 3 girls I didn’t know. I chose to live with random girls that year because I wanted to meet new people. I rushed a sorority at the beginning of the school year, and I met a lot of fun and kind people throughout that week. I got into a seemingly great sorority at the end of rush week and then class began the following week. I really liked my schedule; I didn’t have any 8am classes and I didn’t have any classes at all on Friday’s. It felt like I was finally moving on and starting a new, positive chapter of my life. There was always something in the back of my mind that I felt like was holding me back, though…

I was extremely homesick. My school was only about 30 minutes away from my hometown, but I’m so close to my family, especially my mom, so it was hard for me. I have 3 half siblings, but I grew up as an only child, so it was a difficult transition from always having privacy and my own space to having to share my space with 3 other girls, random girls at that. They were sweet and I actually feel lucky that I got paired with normal people, but it was still hard regardless. I began coming home on weekends and then going back to my dorm during the week. As the first semester went on, I began to isolate myself more and I didn’t have as much ambition and excitement as I used to. By the time I came back from Christmas break and started the second semester, I lost touch with most of the friends that I made, and I felt as if I was the loneliest person in the world. I ended up leaving my sorority right before spring break, isolating myself even further.

Aside from being homesick and lonely, something else I was struggling with was a fear of gaining weight. I was terrified of gaining the “freshman fifteen” that year. I feel like I’ve always had a warped perception of what my body looks like. I’m not sure why that is. Anyways, because of this fear, I barely ate. And by barely ate, I mean I would eat one of those “on the go” sized cups of Cheerios during the day, and that would be it except for when I would go home on the weekends where I’d eat real food with my family. I would look in the mirror and I was never satisfied. I don’t want to say I had an eating disorder as I feel like it’d be disrespectful to people who struggle with life-altering eating disorders for years, but I think it was a result of genuine misery and extremely deep depression. I lost almost 20 pounds that year.

I finally made it through the year and summer began. I was able to move back home, and I got a job. I loved that summer because I was finally free from my freshman year shackles. I began to see a therapist to talk through what I went through mentally and emotionally in the past year and it seemed to have helped me for the time being. I also got diagnosed with ADD that summer which makes...too much sense. I’ve struggled in school my whole life and because of the diagnosis, I now understand why. I have over-focused ADD with OCD tendencies. I tend to obsess over and hang on to things well after others have moved on from it. I’ve been that way my whole life, and now I had an answer as to why. It also causes me to experience mood swings but the Adderall (a God send) I was prescribed helped me to control them, Anyways summer passed by quickly, and I ended up moving into an apartment with 3 girls I was friends with from high school. Sophomore year started and it was great. I was so happy, and it felt like my horrific freshman year was a lifetime ago. There are no “buts” coming about this year. It truly was a wonderful year in my life and it’s something I’ll always cherish when I look back on my hellish college experience as a whole. The next year, though, is a different story.

It’s a story I’m not going to get into. It’s personal and it involves others besides myself, but I respect their privacy and lives since we’ve moved on, so I won’t be going into detail. What I will say is that I have many regrets from this year. I did a lot of things that I’m not proud of and would give anything to go back and change them. I didn’t like the person I was that year looking back, and I still don’t understand why I began to revert back to my misery, maybe it never truly went away like I thought it did. Instead of taking it out on myself like my freshman year, I took it out on others. I now take full responsibility for what I did and the people I hurt as a result and that’s something that I feel like took me a long time to do. It was cruel and it’s something I don’t and won’t try to justify anymore. I’m proud to say that I learned from that experience and the person I was then, isn’t who I am now.

After my junior year, I got an internship working at a consulting company. I LOVED this job. I loved the people I met there and made more friends there than what felt like I had in the entirety of my college experience. Real friendships where we could actually bond over something other than just being in the same class like at school. I realized that I was much happier working in a professional environment than I had ever been at school which made me even more excited to graduate. At the end of the summer, the company offered to extend my internship throughout the school year, and I was THRILLED. I was so happy that I was going to be able to leave school and go somewhere where I actually wanted to be during the week.

My senior year started soon after this and it was just…fine. Not bad but not great either. Just fine. Like I said, I was just grateful to be able to have somewhere to go after class that wasn’t just my apartment or somewhere on campus because of my job. My job began to be where I was the happiest, but, of course, school had to FUCK me over one more time. My class schedule for the second semester was Hitler on paper. I had signed up for the maximum amount of classes my school allows students to take, and just looking at it was overwhelming. I wanted to graduate on time in May and this was the only way to do it. I was forced to quit my job that I loved, and I was devastated. I continued to work there all of Christmas break up until the very last weekend before school started. I hugged my friends at work goodbye and began what would be the hardest semester of my entire life.

When I say this is the hardest semester of my life, I don’t mean it’s been hard like my freshman year was hard. I mean that my entire life is consumed with CLASSES. I feel like I never get a break and I’m always dreading tomorrow. I miss my job, and I miss when my thoughts weren’t filled with overwhelming amounts of assignments and due dates. I guess I should say I MISSED these things actually considering that all of my classes have been converted to online because of the virus terrorizing our planet. As sick as this may sound, if I could choose any semester for something like this to happen, I’m glad it was this one. I hate that a virus that is affecting so many people had to be the reason though. I’m typing this THESIS the day after my school announced it was converting to online classes and it feels like a 10,000-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It felt like I was two assignments away from having a legitimate breakdown. This wasn’t at all how I imagined my last day on campus would be like, but…I’m (kinda) done with college. At least in person. Wow.

I’m not exactly sure what prompted me to write this. I think I wanted to do it for myself as a way to finally let go of the of pain and anger I’ve experienced through college. I want to move on with my life now that I’m less than two months away from graduation and stop hanging on to things from the past and regrets that I’ve had that I just can’t change. I tend to act like I have a tough exterior, but behind that, there’s been a lot of pain and insecurity. Some of which I’ve kept to myself. Sometimes, I look back at that 18 year old girl who was burdened with so much sadness and cry. However, I want to let go of all of it. I have to. I also wanted people to know that not every college experience is the same and they’re not always going to be like what people tell you they are or what you see in the movies. I wish someone would’ve told me that. The lows I’ve felt throughout my time in college are things I wouldn’t wish on anyone especially young people experiencing their freedom and independence for the first time. I hope anyone that might read this who hasn’t started college or who is already in college make the most of their time there. Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t allow yourself to wallow and fall so deep into a hole that you feel like you can’t get out. Get help if you need it, there’s never any shame in doing so. I’m proud of myself for pushing through and I’m ready to start the life I’ve always wanted for myself. Thank you for making it through a 2 and a half page paper of my woes.

Xo,

Dani

#college #college experience #personal

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