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astoryisaloveaffair · 2 years

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Run Through the Jungle - a Naked & Afraid/Triple Frontier AU

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Fem!Reader

*reader is vegetarian and ethnicity/weight inclusive. people of all sizes have competed on this show (and completed it)

Fic Summary: Benny Miller convinces his bestie Frankie to compete on the Naked and Afraid survival show. He has no idea what he’s walking into when he’s paired with you

*Naked and Afraid is a reality survival show on Discovery Channel where two contestants, a man and a woman (trans & non-binary inclusive) are paired with no food, clothes, or water in a hostile environment with only 1 survival item each. Contestants can tap out at any time but must make it to 21 days to win

Read on A03

Inspiration Spotify Playlist: Frankie’s Jungle Love Mix

»»———————►

Word Count: 20K

Rating: E, 18+, lemon

Warnings: large age gap (legal), size kink, discussions of killing, processing, and eating animals, cussing, PiV, oral (f & m), dirty talk, masturbation (m), face fucking, somnophilia, enemies to lovers, Pride and Prejudice vibes, ANGST, Frankie being a misogynistic DICK for a little bit

A/N: Someone needs to fucking stop me because my brain is ignoring SO MANY WIPS RIGHT NOW! HELP! This unasked for one shot was bred out of a binge watch weekend of this show, mentioning it in passing to @musings-of-a-rose, who then had the audacity to ask me, “what if Frankie were on that show?” and this is what happened. This is an AU. Triple Frontier hasn’t happened yet or won’t, I haven’t decided. Frankie doesn’t have kids yet. I hope you enjoy it, I’m really in love with this story.

If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t even think they’d pick him.

His friends had suggested it to him as a joke. Benny had apparently really gotten into the show and thought it would be awesome if Frankie applied. And by ‘awesome’, he really meant ‘hysterical’.

After years of service and traumatizing missions, Frankie had felt completely lost after his retirement from Delta Force. Antsy, paranoid, ill at ease. Nothing seemed to help, not therapy, drugs, sex, coaching Benny…nothing.

Until they had all gone on a camping trip a few years ago. And he loved it. For some reason, when he was out there, all the voices in his head went silent. The only things he heard were the environment and what he needed to do to conquer it, to survive it. Living in shitty situations was second nature, and the simplicity of focusing solely on what he needs to survive and how to get it narrowed his focus and quieted the demons in his head.

When they got home, he began taking any primitive survival course he could. Shelter building. Fire making. How to find potable water. Making and setting traps. Primitive weapon building.

After years of practice and hands-on experience, he started volunteering as a survival guide of his own. He’d never been happier, or more at peace.

He’d never seen the show, he wasn’t big on reality TV, but the prospect intrigued him. It would be the ultimate challenge, a way to prove himself and know for sure he’s the survivalist he thinks he is. So he applied.

And he got it.

It was a whirlwind after that. A parade of paperwork, zoom interviews, in person interviews, vaccinations, taking off from work, and eating everything he could set his sight on. Before he knew it he was hugging his friends goodbye, assuring them he wouldn’t give up, and after many kisses from his mother, he hopped a plane to head to Colombia for 21 days Naked and Afraid.

Survival he wasn’t worried about. He knew he would make it 21 days and beat the jungle. It was the ‘naked’ part. And the ‘working with an unknown woman’ part, that had him concerned. He wasn’t in the best shape, and now his ass would be traipsing around the rainforest for the entire world to see.

He’d thought about what he would want in a partner, what he wouldn’t. Someone older and capable, who wasn’t afraid of getting dirty. Someone who took direction well, wasn’t a burden, and hopefully somewhat attractive, since he’d be looking at her naked for three weeks. Hopefully she wouldn’t find him gross either, and the two of you would work well as a team. No princesses. No damsels. Preferably ex-military.

-Day One-

The ride was sobering. Sitting in the back of a bumpy Jeep Cherokee driven by a local while he props himself in front of the camera-men for his final interview before insertion. His heart is hammering in his chest at all the uncertainty, the slight self-doubt that always shadows the back of his mind rattling his nerves just enough to trigger his fight or flight. He just wanted to get it started already.

The Colombian jungle is oppressive even on the wide, bumpy dirt road cutting through it, and Frankie can feel the dense green pressing in on him, like it wants to keep him out. But it’s beautiful and rich, the air is humid but not terribly unpleasant yet. Certainly no worse than anything he’d camped in while in service. And this time he wouldn’t have to be worried about being shot at.

The jeep lurches as it stops and Frankie hops out, taking a heavy breath. He turns to the camera. “Alright well. Here we go.” He swallows and hesitates for a moment before sliding out of his flip flops and pulling his shirt off, the self consciousness of his softened tummy screaming loud in his ears. There’s been way worse on this show. Don’t worry about it.

He pushes through it, unbuttoning his pants and shoving his shorts and boxers off in one go, turning to toss everything in the back of the Jeep before saying one more signoff and entering the jungle to find his partner.

A small crew follows behind him with strict orders not to interact. A few camera-men, a producer, a medic, all will be camped nearby with all the resources he won’t have. He’s surprised it doesn’t feel more strange to have a camera almost up his ass, but it doesn’t really, not with everything else on his mind. It’s not long before he forgets about them all together as he continues down the hill through the trees to meet his partner.

To meet you.

----

You’re definitely nervous. This isn’t your first survival rodeo, but this is a whole different animal. It’s the Everest of survival challenges. You had no idea what was going to happen, but you were excited for it.

You weren’t fooling yourself. You weren’t out here to “make nature your bitch”, or conquer it. Because that would never happen. Nature conquers you. And you need to respect it to survive it. You think about your potential partner and hope he isn’t one of those uber machismo toxic energy guys who think the woman should stay back and tend the fire, tend to the shelter. Because that wasn’t you, not at all. You were young, yes, but you’re capable and confident, and you hope he won’t look down on you. You didn’t want to be passive, you wanted to do, you wanted to see what you were capable of. And you really hated being told what to do.

Maybe after this, when someone called you strong you’d actually believe it.

Nudity didn’t bother you. You didn’t really understand why people made such a big deal out of it anyways, it was just tits and ass. You shed your clothes with no hesitation, turning to smirk and wave at the camera before bounding in to meet your partner.

It takes long enough before you see him that you question for a second if this wasn’t all just some huge joke, but finally you see the flash of golden skin moving towards you between the trees as your partner appears before you with a goofy smile on his face.

You look right at his dick. Fuck, you just zing right to it against your willpower because it was big with a nice healthy patch of pubic hair and you hope to whatever is out there he didn’t catch you looking. Luckily when you jerk your eyes up and away he makes no indication he knew where you were looking.

“Um…hi.” He says, and you smile when you see the warmth in his eyes, the mop of curls on his head that are starting to wilt under the humidity.

This shit was awkward every time, even as a viewer, so you said ‘fuck it’ and opened your arms for a hug. “Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you!” You feel him melt a little as you roll onto your tiptoes and pat his shoulders and it makes you feel a little better that he’s clearly nervous too. You release him and take a step back. You tell him your name and he tells you his.

There’s an awkward silence, breaking as the two of you giggle nervously. You clear your throat. “Well, now that that’s over with….do you wanna see what’s in our bags?”

“Yea.” He turns to stand beside you where two burlap messenger bags are hanging from a tree, one for each of you. With him closer to you it’s easy to see how gigantic he is, his frame dwarfing yours. You sneak a look at his arms while he rifles through the bag, they are built but not ripped, golden skin lined with little freckles and scars. He was much older, you could see the gray hairs at his temple, but he seemed hearty.

“What did you bring?”

You look up to see him staring at you, like he’s already analyzing what your skillset is. You can’t really blame him. “I brought a fire starter. What about you?”

He pulls out a sheathed machete, withdrawing the blade to show you. “This.”

“Oh, awesome, that will be really helpful. And I think I have the map too.” You pull the map out and angle towards him so the two of you can plan your route. You can see his mind structuring a plan as his eyes dart around the vague map, the most unique hooked nose twitching while he thinks.

“Looks like there’s a river down here, and we will need to follow it anyway for extraction later. I’d be able to hopefully catch some game or some fish there.” He slides a thick finger across the page along the river to an X at the mouth of the river, where the jungle breaks and opens up to the sea. “So we should head there.”

You nod, adding your input. “I agree. But not too close. There are jaguars in this jungle and I don’t want to be in the middle of a game trail.” He nods and the two of you take off further into the jungle, the crew trailing quietly behind you. “So, Francisco, tell me some more about you.”

He pauses from leading the way, turning towards you and resting a palm on a thin tree. His fingers drag across the bark of it. “Oh.” He laughs, his smile is warm and he has a little dimple in one of his cheeks. “Fuck, I didn’t even…I’m already in ‘mission mode.’ And you can call me Frankie.”

You chuckle with him, trying to make him more comfortable. “Okay. So…Frankie. I’m guessing you’re ex-military?”

He nods. “Yea. Special Forces. I was a helicopter pilot. But, now I fly them contractually, do tours of the Rockies and stuff. I volunteer as a survival instructor in my spare time. You?”

You tell him where you're from and a little about your job and experiences as the two of you continue walking, promising each other you won’t let the other quit the challenge.

“So what are your skills that you bring to this challenge?”

You quirk your eyebrow up when he sneaks a glance at you, but again, you can hardly be offended by the question, considering. “I can build a lot of shelters and can make fire just about anywhere, I also know how to make baskets and cordage from various plants. And I’m vegetarian, so I have a lot of knowledge about what is edible, what is poisonous, and what can be used as resources.”

“You're…vegetarian?”

“Yes.”

“How do you intend to survive without any protein?” He sounds incredulous and it kind of pisses you off.

“Exactly how I told you. There are plenty of plants that provide protein.”

“...Okay, if you say so.”

“And what about you?” You retort. “What’re your skills?”

“Hunting and trapping, weapon-making, but I can build shelters and make fires also.”

Not a competition dude. You’re trying to keep an open mind, but your heart seized up when you realized he was a soldier. In your experience, they are extraordinarily stubborn, and often very misogynistic.

You hold your tongue and the two of you chat off and on as you make your way to the river. Other than his brusque questioning, the two of you get along well so far. It takes longer to get through the jungle barefoot than you anticipated, and when you see the position of the sun through a break in the canopy, you usher each other to speed up. You don’t have all day, and you still need to make a shelter, build a fire, and find water.

When you reach the river, you find a spot rather easily. There’s space tucked against a large tree that would be big enough for both of you. Frankie proposes a lean to shelter with a platform utilizing the tree and you agree. Sleeping on the ground amongst the bugs was not high on your “to-experience” list. The two of you separate to gather the materials to build it. Since he has the machete, he focuses on chopping and cutting branches for the frame while you harvest what you would need for cordage, padding and roofing. As you wander through the foliage grabbing palm fronds, leaves, and any edible nuts and berries, you take the time to take in your surroundings.

The trees were more spread out closer to the river, it let the sun shine through and warm your skin, dappling the surface of the river with its beams. You had chosen a spot with a large bank, a calm currant and easy to wade through, more of a stream than a river, your shelter planned about 40 feet up the hill. You could hear Frankie hacking away out of your line of vision, and you plead to the air that he doesn’t over-exert himself trying to put on a show.

The humidity and heat has already increased, and you feel it take its toll on you only just a few hours in. It would be so easy for him to be reckless and over-do it. It wouldn’t be the first time someone was medically tapped out because they didn’t listen to their body. You try to focus instead on the soft ripple of the water, of the jungle birds above you, the occasional monkey hooting with disgust at your presence.

You make several trips, and after a couple hours, you and Frankie have collected a sizable amount of materials. You urge him to take a break after so much activity but he blows it off.

“We don’t have much time left before it gets dark. I’ll be fine..”

You try again. “A small break won’t hurt Frankie. I’m worried about you getting dehydrated.” He blows you off again, further cementing your perception that he wants to be ‘the man’ and keep control in the situation. It had been a long walk to where you were supposed to go, and you knew you would have to take some time to-replenish eventually. You decide to pick your battles and turn to start constructing a fire bed with leaves and dry debris next to where the platform will go. Your quiet work draws his attention, and he finally does come over to you and plops down on the ground beside you.

This was the defining moment, you knew. You needed to assert that you belonged here, that your opinions had validity, that you have just as good of a skillset. You breathe in, centering yourself before bending down and striking the flint of the fire-starter against the kindling.

It takes only 6 strikes, the ember flaring up in the pile of debris as Frankie cheers you on. You lean in to blow on it so it will spread while he hustles to get you more leaves, throwing them on in excitement before pulling you up into a hug. You can’t stop smiling at the praise.

“That was awesome! You did that so fast! Good girl, good job!”

You wouldn’t process that’s what he said until much later.

----

Fuck, you were cute. You were cute and young and he could not believe he looked straight at your tits first thing before yanking his gaze back up to your eyes. He hoped you hadn’t noticed. He had thought he would die from mortification, but you dove right in for a hug, setting him at ease despite the fact your boobs were now on him. But you didn’t care, and it makes him feel silly for being self-conscious. He wasn’t here for…that. Though it’d been a while. And you had a nice ass.

He had hesitations, you were half his age and a vegetarian at that, and he worried you wouldn’t be able to back up the skills you claimed. But you proved him wrong, getting right to work and starting a fire faster than he’d ever seen anyone.

He’d pushed hard, he knew he shouldn’t and knew your opinion about it, but he felt the need to work harder, to prove himself to you, maybe even impress you. Not for any romantic reason, but he wants you to feel safe, provided for, making sure all the heavy tasks were firmly his territory.

After securing the fire you’d immediately direct him on how to shave bamboo to boil water in, and before long, the two of you had potable water that actually tasted pleasant. Frankie hadn’t realized how dehydrated he’d been, and when he drank it felt like he could actually feel the water being distributed in his system. You were right. You were good. Not that he doubted it. You’d made it on this show, after all.

And now you were on the ground on the batch of leaves beside a half constructed frame, so fucking close to him, his body almost spooning yours. It’d taken much longer to build the shelter and re-hydrate than he thought it would, and he begs silently for the night to go by smoothly.

You’re curled away from him barely 5 inches away, the fire beside you as you try to settle down for the night. You had both agreed that if it got cold enough, you were both alright with cuddling for warmth.

He can smell the scent of your hair and the slight tang of dirt and perspiration, your skin looks young and soft in the low light of the fire and he almost wants to wrap his arm around you to bring you closer, get warmer, keep you safe. He doesn’t. He’s warm enough for now.

----

Frankie jerks up out of the nest, his ears pricked as he hears the rustling intensify. He whispers your name. “Don’t panic, but there’s something right there.”

You lean into him more so you can turn your head and whisper back. “Where?”

He takes you by the wrist gently and guides your hand so you’re pointing right at it. It’s warm from the fire and slightly sticky from sweat. He doesn’t feel how his touch raises goosebumps on your skin.

“Right there. I dunno what it is though.” You continue to watch for movement in the dark, eyes wide as you strain to see any flicker of something only yards away. The howler monkeys are screaming above you and increase your panic, making it more difficult to pinpoint the increased rustling. You utilize the two diary cams you were given, the light allowing you to see further into the trees. You see nothing.

But it is there, stalking with a heavy footfall, making no attempt not to brush against the trees and the leaf debris on the ground. It was circling you.

“Frankie, my heart is beating so fast.”

His large palm cups your shoulder, pulling you against him more and you go willingly, noticing how he shifts his burlap bag to be a thin barrier between your ass and his crotch. “I got my machete right here. It’ll be okay.”

You didn’t sleep much that night.

-Day Two-

“Morning of day 2.” You sigh as you hold the diary cam in front of your face. “I’m really tired. We didn’t get much sleep at all last night. Those monkeys were going insane. I thought they were going to come down and hurt us. And then there’s something out there that’s stalking us. I don’t think it’s the monkeys. Frankie’s over there sharpening his machete.”

As if on cue you hear a loud cuss, and you sit up out of the sand bank and look behind you. “Frankie? You okay?”

“Yea…yea, just nicked myself.” He looks at his finger again and grumbles while the blood blooms from the gash in his fingertip.

“Well don’t just stare at it, you gotta put pressure on it to stop the bleeding.” He either doesn’t hear you or ignores you, so you heave yourself out of the sand with a sigh and walk up to him, hands on your hips. “Frankie. You need to hold the pressure on it so it will clot and stop bleeding so much.”

He waves you away. “Nah, I’m fine. It’s okay.”

“I could create a bandage for you out of leaves, you should have it protected because if it gets inf—”

“Nah, if I need it, I’ll come to you.” He responds with finality.

Stubborn ass. “You’re not listening to me.”

“Nope, I’m not. I don’t want a bandage. Really. Men don’t need bandages on little cuts like this if they don’t have to. I’ve had hundreds of cuts like this. And we still have a lot of work to do.”

You sigh. “Are men invincible to infection?”

His brow furrows and he digs his heels into his choice. “Yes.”

“Fine…whatever.” You stalk off, muttering under your breath. Dumbass. Sitting there touching all these things and bleeding everywhere. Even though it wasn’t too bad, it was a huge risk to not do something so simple to prevent infection. He was being completely ridiculous.

Frankie glares at you as you walk away. “Don’t need anything for a damn nick. I’ve been in the frickin’ jungle before, I don't need to be taught about injuries out here…” He huffs out a frustrated breath, popping his thumb into his mouth to suck off the blood.

“Putting it in your mouth is even worse.”

He sighs and throws his hands in the air. “I can’t win.”

Frankie heaves himself up and gets to work cutting more bamboo for the completion of the shelter, working through the injury silently just to prove to you you were wrong. You had to admit that he was right. You couldn’t stop working, and he had to push through it. You had to complete your shelter, get more firewood, boil more water, maybe even try and forage for food.

Despite your differences, you work together well as a team in Frankie’s opinion, as long as he’s in charge. When it’s complete, you go your separate ways to find some food. You head deeper into the forest for edible plants, and Frankie perches on the large rocks in the stream, turning over rocks hoping to find some mussels or crabs.

He had no success, but you did. You return with your arms full of dark green leaves, putting them down by your shelter and holding a piece out to Frankie. “It’s river cabbage!” He frowns, but reaches out to pull a small piece off and stuffs it in his mouth. You let him chew, laughing internally about his sour expression. “Well?”

“Taste’s like a leaf.”

“This cabbage has a lot of the proteins and nutrients we will need.”

“Well good for you, I can’t survive 21 days on just that. I need more than that.”

You spend the rest of the day exploring for other resource options, pausing to have a brief argument over whether or not Frankie should drink from a non-stagnant pool fed by a waterfall when you have a perfectly workable and safe way of getting water, but once again, you lose that battle.

-Day Five-

The next few days pass much the same. Foraging. Getting water. Stocking firewood. Frankie set several snares and deadfall traps along game trails and animal holes. You made yourself a little reed skirt to cover your ass and crotch. You argued with Frankie, who was particularly insufferable when his water theory proved right and he didn’t get sick. But you would still huddle close, talk about random things when you couldn’t sleep, picking ticks off each other in the night. And despite how hungry and tired you were becoming, you weren’t even close to wanting to quit.

But the effects of not sleeping, not eating, not having enough water hit you hard by the sixth day, your body was sore and fatigued and the two of you decided to have a more relaxing day.

Frankie hated seeing you uncomfortable. The primal instinct to protect you reared back to life, and he remembered what Will told him before he left.

Take care of her. She’s going to be like your wife. You’re jungle wife. You gotta look out for each other.

“Hey.” You’re lying back in the sand by the river bank twiddling with some cordage. You turn your head towards Frankie as he ambles towards you. “So, I’m gonna go back up to that waterfall area to get more water.”

You nod, shifting to move. “Alright, let’s go.”

“You’re gonna stay here.”

“...What? Why?!”

“Just cause I’m gonna get the water. No-no-no.” He holds his hands out to cut you off as you protest. “You’re tired, you need rest. You’re gonna stay here. I need you to relax.”

“But I can get water. I feel fine.”

“I’m asking you to please stay here.”

“And I’m telling you that I know my own body and I’m fine. We can get twice the water back here if I go.”

He steps back, rubbing his eyes as he heaves another frustrated sigh. “Fine. You wanna disobey, fine. Just do whatever then.”

You jerk back almost as if he had hit you. “Um…excuse me? Disobey? I’m not a dog.”

“I want you to stay.”

You stand up and grab the walking stick you made. “I’m ready.”

“Fine. You wanna be like that? Fine. Hurry up then.”

----

He was unbearable. The most difficult and stubborn individual you had ever been around, and you had to be with him 24 hours a day, for three weeks. You want to scream. Or punch him. You can’t stand when people tell you what to do, order you around like you were fresh into the army. No one does that. Not anymore. You do whatever the fuck you want, when you want to.

The silence is palpable as you collect water from the falls, and Frankie can’t stand it. “...So what are you gonna do next?”

You shrug, not even meeting him in the eye.

“What, are you like not talking to me now?”

“Sounds like you want to tell me what I should be doing.”

“I just want to take care of you, look out for you! What is the problem with that?!”

“I don’t need you to do that. I can do it myself. Don’t presume you can just march up to me and tell me what to do.”

“No, listen, it’s not that, I–. Look, I’m a guy, I see a woman in distress, a woman not feeling good and I wanna do what I can to help her.”

You don’t respond, standing up and gathering your bamboo shafts full of water as you carefully move away from the falls. Frankie turns to the camera-man beside him. “Silent treatment. Look at this. I’m fine, I'm not angry, she’s angry at me!” He stands up quickly and hops from rock to rock recklessly to chase you. “Hey! Please be careful.”

“You are everything I didn’t want in a partner. You’re such a stubborn, misogynistic ass.” You turn to him with a sneer, balanced perfectly on a rock.

“Wow, okay, all this from me seeing you needed rest and trying to take the burden? I was worried about you! I care, it’s about compassion!?”

“Caring is not bossing someone around.”

Frankie grunts, throwing his hands up at your back. “Let me just shut up then, because anything I say you’ll use against me.” When you make it back to camp he trudges away into the woods in a dramatic huff. You don’t encourage him with a response. You refuse to be an audience for his behavior.

----

He doesn’t even know where he’s going. He’s just walking, pacing back and forth away from the shelter as he calms down and composes his thoughts.

“I was just trying to be helpful. I thought she was tired…I just wanted to help, I wasn’t trying to order her around.” The camera-man shrugs and Frankie sighs, looking up into the sky. The howler monkeys are quiet today, and he can actually hear the birds singing. The constant lingering feeling of being watched by something has dissipated.

You are everything I didn’t want in a partner.

He winces. “Crap.” That’s not who he is…or that’s not the man he wants to be.

She’s your jungle wife.

He heads back to camp.

You’re sitting under lean-to quietly, constructing a basket to help you gather more items on your treks. You don’t look up when he comes out of the trees. “You’re back.”

“I’m back. How are you feeling?”

You stare at him dead-eyed. “Frankie…I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you, but I don’t like being told what to do. No one does. Not even you.”

He nods, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “Okay. Then I’m really sorry.”

“...Okay.” You return your attention to your basket, and Frankie moves off to work on something else.

You sleep very far apart that night. It sucked. It was kind of chilly.

-Day Seven-

He can’t find anything. It’s pissing him off. No oysters, no crabs, no crawfish…nothing. He was starving. He could feel his muscles protesting every time he moved, felt the fat melting off his tummy and ass, his body beginning to feed itself as it searches for nutrition. He’s barely consuming 50 calories a day, and he’s burning it off faster than he can get it.

He finds tiny snails and cooks them, feeling a little bad when you realize the only way to cook them is to roast them alive. “Listen…” He tries to soothe. “I know it's harsh, but they’re snails. They don’t have feelings.”

“Well how do you know that? Maybe they do. It’s still a life.” You sigh. “I’m sorry. You’re used to meat and you need to eat, I know that. …Just seeing them squirming and exploding sucks.”

He does his best to be diplomatic. He has to make this work. You need each other. “Okay. I hear you, and I respect your beliefs.”

“...Okay.”

“I mean, I think it’s kinda nuts but…”

You can’t keep the smile growing on your face. “...Are you calling me crazy?”

“I didn’t say ‘crazy’. I said ‘a little nuts’. Big difference.”

“I don’t think it’s nuts to stand up for my beliefs, no matter how small you think they are. Even if it’s a snail. You’re taking it’s life.”

He looks at you then, really looks at you. Warm brown eyes clear and give you absolute attention for what feels like the first time this entire challenge. He’s trying to reach out, trying to understand you. You look away, resting your head on your arms.

He stands up and stretches, reaching down to grab his ‘plate’. “I’m going to go get some more, clean this up.” He carefully picks his way back to the rock where he’d found the snails in the first place. He looks up at the camera-man. “I feel bad…so, I’m gonna let these ones go. I can come back for them if I need them.” He nods to himself, carefully plucking the remaining tiny snails from his bamboo plate and tucking them back into the water with care.

He’d never really thought about it before. He’d never eat a dog, or a cat, or some exotic and beautiful endangered animal, but he had never thought twice about cattle when he ordered a steak, cooked a hamburger. He wonders if maybe the military desensitized him to the value of life more than he thought, and he vows from now on that when he eats a living creature, he’d respect it as a life and be thankful. He trots back to you to tell you.

“Hey! So, um, I put the rest of them back.”

Your head whips up and you stare at him, your lips parting as you search the truth in his face. His heart rate speeds up and makes him dizzy from the lack of food, and he realizes it’s because he’s anxious to see how you feel. He cares about your opinion of him, like actually cares.

You blink rapidly. “You— you did?”

His large hand stretches up to cup the back of his neck, fingers trailing through the dirty curls at the nape of his neck. You’d noticed it’s something he does when he’s agitated or nervous. Or bashful. “Yea. I didn’t need them right now. They’re still there if I need them later. Not goin’ anywhere.”

The brightest smile blooms across your face and he almost missteps in the sand at how brilliant it is and how it makes his chest pinch ever so slightly. You cup your hand around his calf and slide your palm up and down the back of it briefly before taking him by the hand and tugging him to sit. He doesn’t know why but he has trouble meeting your eyes.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

“No problem. No big deal.” He grunts.

You hand him some edible berries. “Want some of this?”

He nods, looking down as your small fingers deposit the berries into his rough calloused palm, amazed at how your skin is so luminescent even caked and streaked in mud.

----

It was really chilly that night. No wind, but it just settled on you, and 70 degrees feels much different when you have no clothes on. You’re tucked around the fire and Frankie is a few feet away on his back, staring out at the stars and fingering the burlap of the bag resting over his crotch. He thinks about how much harder this was then he thought it would be, and that maybe he should have watched more episodes to prepare. He thinks about how lately when he stands up he gets king of dizzy. He has to stop being so stubborn and eat the food that you’re providing. He needs to sit down and make heavier duty traps tomorrow. Maybe you will make a fish basket even though you don’t eat meat.

His mind drifts to you, wondering what your family is like, if your friends are as feisty as you, what else you like to do for fun. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’d keep in contact after all of this.

“Frankie?”

“Hmmm?”

“It’s cold. Can you come closer?”

He shuffles closer, the side of his body just an inch from your backside. You look over your shoulder. “No, we need to cuddle. It’s for my benefit as well as yours.”

“Oh, okay, yea that’s a good idea.” He shifts, rolling to his side while making sure the burlap bag is still covering him, scooting up against you until your skin is flush with his, your back sinking into the warmth of his chest and your ass in the cup of his hips. “Good?”

You grunt, reaching back to grab his hand to pull it forward, wrapping his arm around you and against your stomach. His leg goes with it, a calf sliding between yours and he instantly feels the increase in warmth from that simple switch in position.

He hums deeply against you, and you feel it rumbling against your back. It feels…good. Comforting and warm. He’s so fucking warm, burning almost as warm as the fire in front of you. You close your eyes, taking in the press of his chest against your back as he breathes, the tang of his sweat that smells more good then bad.

The two of you settle, and the camera-men pack it up and head back to their own area for the night, leaving you alone to the night as usual with only your diary cams. It’s relatively quiet, the howler monkeys giving it up for the night after screaming non stop for an entire week, resigning themselves to the fact that you will be here a while. Instead, you can hear the chirps of insects, the creak of the trees, the crackle of the fire. The soft sound of Frankie humming against you.

“Your hair still smells good.” He mumbles after a while.

“It does? What does it smell like?”

You feel a tickling, the tip of his nose pushing against the crown of your head and swirling in a little circle as he inhales. “MMmmm like…coconuts. And cookies. And sweat.”

“Ew.” You laugh. “I’m sorry.”

“S’not bad. It’s just…you.”

“Oh.”

You let the silence fall once more, then suddenly tilt your face back to him again.

“You smell like shit.”

He bursts out laughing behind you, you can feel the release of air against your shoulder and you join him, his chest quivering as he gains his composure.

----

You feel so fucking good in his arms, the tremble of your frame as you giggle against him and it’s like the sweetest sound he’s ever heard. He holds you against him a little tighter and you release a small sigh as you finally drift off to sleep.

You’ve been finding it harder than him to sleep out here, and he’s relieved as he feels you become limp in his arms, happy you might finally get some good sleep. You’re so small and he’s so much older than you, he realizes he feels protective of you, even though you’ve proven you can take care of yourself. It’s different when you’re curled up, against him like a little cat. You fit so perfectly against his own body.

You whimper and squirm in your sleep, your ass wriggling and you slightly push back against him, the pressure against his dick making him bite back a soft moan. Fuck. Fuck! NO! No no no, no boners, no. Chairs. My grandma. Pope’s hairy ass.

He’s suddenly aware that he’s gone this entire time not even thinking about…that. Those urges just don’t feel so important when you’re tired and hungry and exposed to the wilderness. It reminds him that he had found you attractive when he first looked at you. The round curves of your hips and the perkiness of your tits, your sparkling eyes and pretty hair.

But right now, you finally have a calm night. The fire is high and there’s plenty of wood to burn, you’d eaten a somewhat decent meal of river cabbage and a rare find of guanabana. Whatever animal had been stalking you off and on since the first day was quiet, and the bugs weren’t too annoying. His mind could wander to other things, like how you looked using his machete to hack down leaves to re-pad your bed, the way your back arches when you stretch in the morning, tits pointing to the sky. Or the swell of your ass when you were lying on your stomach in the sand, peeling apart a fruit. That one time he caught you doing some light yoga moves to boost your fatigue, your ass perked up as you bent down to touch your toes. How he’d wanted the little grass skirt you’d made to shift just so slightly so maybe he could see more of you.

Fuck.

He was getting fucking hard, and he shifts his hips back a little so he doesn’t poke you in the ass but you shift with him, seeking the warmth from his body. Your ass bumps against him again and he stifles a moan as his hips involuntarily buck into you with a slight roll. His hand grips you tighter against the stomach, finger pads pressing into the shrinking swell of your tummy skin as he loses himself in it, grinding against you again with another soft moan.

It’s too much, his brain is not working right and he’s hungry and tired and thirsty, and you were so warm, and holy fuck he was about to rip that burlap bag off of himself and push his cock deep inside you, fucking you on the ground as you cried out in his arms. And then it comes back to him so suddenly, his reality slamming back into the front of his mind he’s surprised he doesn’t actually get whiplash.

You barely knew each other. You weren’t his girlfriend. And you were asleep. He releases you with a curse and pulls away from you, scooting away across the ground as he sits up. You stir, jostled by his arm leaving your waist.

“Frankie?”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you. Just…gotta take a piss. I’ll be right back.”

“Mmmkay.”

He grabs the diary cam, opening it so it lights his way as he tiptoes out and into the dark. He shouldn’t go too far, but he doesn’t want you or the crew to hear him. He has to take care of it, it’s only natural what happened but he can’t let it interfere with the challenge. It probably would have happened with any partner.

He finds a thick tree, pressing his back against the bark to support him as he grabs himself, careful not to go beyond the foreskin. His hands are filthy and a bacterial infection would suck. He squeezes his shaft, starting slowly but quickening his strokes faster than he normally would.

Just take care of it, and then get your ass back there and warm her up. He thinks about how your ass felt against him, he could have shifted forward and gently pushed that grass skirt aside to see if you were wet and waiting for him between your thighs. He thinks about how small you are compared to him, how many fingers you could take inside you, how much of a struggle it would be to stuff his cock as deep as he can go. He’s so big compared to you, he might be able to just lift you up and down his cock himself.

He’s panting hard and it’s making him light-headed but he’s almost there, just needs one more push. He thinks about if this were caveman times and how he would just march over there and pull you to him and fuck you into the goddamn dirt, loud enough the entire fucking jungle would know you were his and—

“FUcccckk.” He cums a lot, spurts of it shooting out in the dark onto the forest floor while he tries to keep his moans down. He bites his lip and tilts his head back, the crown of his head bumping the bark of the tree as he empties himself completely until the only sounds are his recovering breaths, the trickling of the stream, the rustling of leaves, and the low growl of–

“What the fuck! Shit!” He swivels around to the other side of the tree but the thing just follows him, slowly circling. He thinks he can almost see its flashing eyes in the dark. He rips his bag open to grab his machete, his breath leaving him when he realizes that he fucking left it back at camp.

He has to run. It’s too close, and it’s not here for anything else. He turns to haul ass back to camp in the hope it would steer clear of the fire but he almost crashes into you arriving with the machete in one hand and a makeshift torch in the other.

“No no! Come on. It’s a giant fucking cat, we gotta go to the fire!”

But you ignore him, yelling at the top of your lungs before raising both arms in the air with your makeshift weapons, stomping forward at the jaguar he knows is back there.

“FUCK OFFFF!” You roar, and Frankie’s senses come back to him and he kneels, grabbing anything he can get in his hands and throwing them as hard as he can into the area he thinks the cat is in. You hear a low chuff and the sounds of leaves rustling again, but then….quiet. You press your back to Frankie’s so all sides are covered, but after several minutes you know it’s gone, you can just feel it is. That oppressive feeling of being watched, leered at, has lifted. You turn to Frankie and thrust his machete into his hand, grabbing him by the wrist to run back to camp.

When you get there you throw the torch away and all but dive bomb into the lean to. Frankie collects you around the waist and pulls you against him. You’re breathing hard, your eyes wild and darting around and he can tell you’re starting to hyperventilate.

He cups the back of your head, dragging you the rest of the way onto his lap where you collapse onto his shoulder. He can feel the warm puffs of your adrenaline fueled breath and he slowly starts rubbing your back up and down, cooing in your ear as he watches the entrance of the small shelter for further danger.

“Holy shit.” You whisper after a few minutes.

“You okay?”

“Yes, yea. Just…I can’t believe I did that. You were gone so long and I got worried.”

He laughs, but it sounds more like a choked sob. “God, fuck, I’m so mad you did that but I’m so thankful you did that.”

“Of course I did. You’re my partner.”

“Yea.”

Time slows, the sounds of the jungle fuzzes out and blends together as you hold each other and calm down, but he finds that when you start to pull away from him, he doesn’t want to let go.

But he does. You clamber off him awkwardly and the silence between you two is deafening. It feels like it takes forever for you to meet his eyes, and his heart drops into his stomach when he considers the fact that you’d probably seen…that.

But you don’t say anything, so neither does he.

-Day Nine-

Frankie settles down in the sand to construct some bird traps, and you sit beside him, acquiescing to his request to make a fish basket. You’re quiet, you don’t talk much but something has shifted, and Frankie feels much more comfortable with you. He hopes you feel the same.

He goes on his own to set the traps and lay the fish basket higher up in the stream of the river where it’s wider. When he returns, he doesn’t see you, and he panics for a second before a splashing sound draws his attention. He looks to the stream and sees you coming out of a deeper pool, twisting your hair to get residual water out.

You’re wading out in the early evening rays of the sun looking like some kind of wilderness goddess and as hard as he tries, he can’t look away from you. Rivulets of water run between your breasts and down to your belly button, the curve of your waist sloping into the rounds of your hips as they emerge from the water. You look like a fucking Bond girl.

And you don’t have the grass skirt on. His brain completely shuts down, paralyzing his body, limbs rooted to the ground as the desire for you jams him up from making any quick decision, and before he knows it, you see him staring at you and head towards him with a sweet smile.

“Hey! How’d it go?”

“Good.” He replies much too quickly, but you just nod and head back towards the shelter.

----

It’s late. He’s not sure what time but he knows he’s up and you’re up too, because you keep poking at the fire. He cups your bicep with his warm palm to get your attention, and you tilt your head to look back at him.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable today.”

You furrow your brow. “What do you mean?”

“Earlier, I...was staring at you. You caught me.”

You laugh, and it sounds stupid but Frankie actually thinks he feels butterflies in his chest. “Don’t worry about it. We’re naked and sometimes biology just…has to do its thing. Doesn’t mean anything.”

“No.” He wonders if you’re insinuating you saw him, but you say nothing more as you turn back to the fire, and he continues to worry, feeling like he needs to be more convincing how not attracted to you he is. He blurts it out before his mind has a chance to rephrase it. “You must be half my age.”

“They probably do that on purpose, like putting oil and vinegar together. How…old are you? I never asked.”

“46.”

“That’s not that old. There’s been older on here.”

“And you?”

“25.”

Shit. She’s fucking young, and I…

“Hey Frankie?”

“Yea?”

“About the other day…I don’t do well with people telling me what to do.”

“I know, and I’m sorry—“

“No, I mean, there’s a reason. I dated a guy a while ago.” You release a breath, Frankie can feel your back heaving against his skin. “He was really controlling. I couldn’t go anywhere without telling him and he had to direct everything I did. It cut me off from friends, family. It took forever to get away from him. He…scared me. So, I’m extra sensitive. It brings me back to that place and I don’t like it.”

Frankie doesn’t know what to say, so instead he cups your bicep and squeezes, feeling the tension in your frame against him. “I’m sorry. I get it. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me that.”

You say nothing, closing your eyes to try to finally fall asleep.

“We aren’t all like that, you know.”

“If you say so…” Your response is cute and slurred, and it feels good that he can finally, finally provide you with something, even if it’s not what he expected it would be. Trust. Comfort. Friendship.

-Day Twelve-

The snares are catching nothing. Neither are the traps. Frankie can feel his body breaking down, his muscles are weak and he’s never been so tired in his life. The cabbage and berries keep him from starving but his body is used to meat and needs that protein to function.

He finds himself mis-stepping more, his brain’s synapses not firing fast enough causing him to be less coordinated. And so, when he was shaving bamboo for new water containers, his machete slipped and sliced his finger open. Again.

“Ah! Shhhhhhhiizzzzz..!” He growls, trying not to cuss on camera.

“Frankie? You okay?”

“Yea! Ummm no, I cut myself again!”

“I’m coming!”

You emerge from the forest where you were foraging for plants, floating towards him like an angel. You stand next to him and put your hands on your hips, ready for another fight. “That one’s kinda bad.”

His entire fingertip is sliced deep, he’s putting pressure on it like you’d told him to last time, but you can see some blood seeping out between his fingers. “Just hold it until it slows down, I’ll be right back.” He nods and you march back into the forest, scanning the brush for what you need. You grab a large palm frond with rows of thin, long leaves and a big banana leaf before returning, grabbing some of your freshly made cordage and a bamboo cask of fresh water. You sit down in front of him, cupping his giant hands in yours. You can barely get yours around them. “How’s it going? Do you think we should call a medic?”

He peeks under a finger. “No. I think it’s slowed down.”

“Good, lemme see. Hopefully you won’t need a stitch.”

He grunts but fights against his stubbornness, letting you open his fist and inspect the slash. He watches silently as you pour some water over his finger to clean it, then grab the banana leaf and fold it in half several times until it makes a small little pad. You press it to his cut, then begin wrapping one of the long and thin leaf around the finger to secure that in place. Finally, you pull a small vine out of one of your cords and wrap it around his finger too, tying it neatly atop his fingernail to seal the whole thing together.

“Hmmm. There. That should be good, but try not to get it dirty. I don’t want it to get infected. I’ll recheck it tomorrow and do another clean.” When you look up he’s looking at you, eyes wide and soft. His brow is slightly furrowed and he reminds you of a puppy, big brown eyes holding an emotion you can’t place. You feel your cheeks burn, and you pat the side of his hand and release them.

He puts his hand on your knee. You feel the hairs rising up on your legs and arms, your heartbeat pounding in your ears. “Thanks.”

You can’t meet his eyes. “No problem.” You stand abruptly, rushing off like an idiot towards the stream, choosing a rock baking in the sun that’s hopefully out of his eyeline.

What the fuck is going on?

By now you know what it feels like when you stand up too fast, when you don’t find food, when you overdo it in the sun. This isn’t that.

This…was completely unexpected. You didn’t come out here for this, but you can’t deny your feelings. You liked him. You actually liked this ridiculous, stubborn, arrogant mess of a man you were paired with that was so opposite to you in every single way. He was old. He ate meat, he’s stubborn and borderline unbearable to be around, he was kind of misogynistic, he was…he was changing.

You sit up and look back over at him, he’s looking at the finger you bandaged, fingering it carefully like he’s caressing the spot your hand was. Your breath is quickening and it’s making you lightheaded from little food, so you lay back onto the rock surface to calm the dizziness.

You couldn’t deny you’d thought him handsome when you first saw him. He was broad, with wide rounded shoulders, a strong neck, a sharp jaw and the most unique nose you’d ever seen. It all somehow suited him perfectly. His skin was warm and golden and his eyes were like milk chocolate with the softest lashes. A full head of curly hair despite his age, the only show of that in the sporadic gray hairs throughout his mop and the short ones along his temple.

And over time, the light scruff had grown along his jaw, streaked with gray with patches missing in it that stayed there even as the rest of the hair kept growing around it. It was cute and endearing, and you’d hated it when you realized that’s what you thought about it.

His arms were thick and strong, a broad sternum tapering in and then sloping back out into a little soft tummy that had gone down throughout your challenge. You liked it better when it was bigger. You liked the light trail of hair that gathered around his belly button, leading to the area below he always tried to keep covered with his bag. The area hiding the absolute giant dick he had. Now that you think about it, it was nice. You want to see it again.

You think of how strong he felt when he’d hugged you after making the fire, when he—

Good girl.

Shit.

When you turn to look at him again, he’s up and heading to you, so you try to calm yourself down and ignore the ache growing low in your belly, looking away from him because now you know it would be a completely different way.

“Hey, just wanted to let you know I’m goin’ to check the traps, maybe wander around a bit. Okay? You good?”

You clear your throat and nod, turning your head to the side acting like you’re scratching your ear. “I’m good. Thanks for letting me know. I might look for firewood but I won’t go far.”

He nods and turns away, and god dammit, you can’t help but look at his cute little ass.

----

So, it wasn’t a one time deal. Frankie was fucked. He liked you a lot. You were so different than him, so gentle and kind but fierce also, and he thinks back at all the times you yelled at him or stood up to him with heat burning his cheeks. You saw value in everything, you were persistent and understanding, and he wishes he’d behaved better earlier in the challenge, because he’d been an absolute dick. He was regretting it.

He’s so lost in his mind he almost doesn’t even see it, only alerted by the flash of reddish-brown skin and the soft crunching as the snake slides through leaf debris, squeezing itself between a large rock and the base of a tree.

His heart drops in his chest and he wrestles with himself whether to run or sneak, ultimately choosing the former as he darts forward with his machete raised, catching the snake's tail just as it’s about to disappear into the hideaway, yanking it out with a wide sweep of his arm and flinging it to the ground a few yards away.

The thing is pissed, and he pauses momentarily when he realizes it’s a fucking pit viper. Venomous. It coils its body tightly behind its head, raising up with a hiss in warning. It’s a huge risk, but he’s too hungry to let it go. He grabs a stick off the ground and moves quickly, pressing the split blunt end of the stick where the back of the jaw meets the ground, pushing down to pin the animal in place. The snake only gets angrier, its back end flailing around as it tries to free itself and turn to bite him. But it's too late, the machete is swung once, twice, and it's over, and Frankie plops down on his ass to the ground to catch his breath.

When the end of the animal stops moving, he moves toward it, knocking the still toxic head away as he collects the body. He leans back on his heels and closes his eyes, lifting his head to the canopy. “Thank you…” He whispers to the jungle. “Thank you so much.” He looks down once more at the snake in his hands, speaking to it as if it could hear him. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry but I’m hungry. Thank you.”

He looks like sunshine when he returns to camp with the snake in his hands, but when he sees you he halts, holding it behind his back like a child caught in the cookie jar.

You huff out a laugh. “Frankie, it’s…okay. I know you have to eat, you don’t have to hide it. I’m glad you got something.”

He looks uncertain but comes towards you, sitting a little behind you so he can process the animal without you having to see it. “This is a good find. Lots of protein for me. Almost didn’t even see it. I…feel bad.”

You turn, your mouth twitching at the sight of the snake’s skin being peeled from its body. “Wait. Frankie…what is that?”

“A snake.”

“No I mean…is that a viper?”

“Yea! It was crazy! He was tryin’ to get away and I yanked him right out of the rock.”

You hold your palms up. “Are you telling me that you chased an extremely venomous snake, alone, and grabbed it with your bare hands? Are you insane?! That snake can kill you with one bite!”

He frowns. “I had a stick and the machete. And I’m fine!”

“That was a huge risk. You could’ve gotten seriously hurt.”

“Yea I know, I’m sorry…but I got it, and I tried to respect it. I don’t know how to do it so I just thanked it after. That probably sounds stupid.”

“No, it doesn’t. But don’t do something that stupid again.” You stand up and head into the shelter to rest so you don’t have to see him eat.

-Day Fourteen-

The energy from that one snake felt like Frankie was suddenly on steroids, after having so little for so long, but as the days passed he was heading back to the same place, hungry and with no hint of food. He needed to find something today. There were ominous clouds darkening the sky, and if it rained bad enough, they might be confined to the shelter. He was so thankful for you, you’d spent the day gathering as much as possible before racing back to camp, strengthening the roof with last minute additions before the rain started falling.

And falling.

It was a complete downpour, and it lasted for hours. You and Frankie were huddled next to each other inside the shelter, trying desperately to keep the fire going, but the makeshift cover you’d made for it made no difference. You almost cried when the fire went out, and there was nothing else you could do but suffer through it as the temperature went down drastically. It rained the entire next day and into the night, the temperature had dropped to only 50 degrees and you finally broke, the constant strength Frankie had seen in you shattering to pieces.

“Fr–Frankie I’m still cold, I’m so fucking cold I can’t stop shivering.”

You really can’t, and it’s starting to scare him with how violently you’re shaking as he spoons you from behind as close as he can. Your burlap bags were wrapped around your feet to keep from freezing and you were completely bare against each other, but the increase in warmth was substantial enough for neither of you to give a damn. “Hey. Come here.”

“What?”

“Come here, turn around.” He pauses, hoping he didn’t overstep, but if you were that cold, him holding you this way might help. You do hesitate, but quickly turn in his arms, whimpering as a cold stick pokes into your back.

He settles you against him, your face tucked into his neck and your hands clasped against his chest, both of his arms wrapping around you and pulling you in closer, trying to give you as much of his body heat as he can.

He can only tell you’re crying when he feels the hot wetness against his shoulder, and he cups the back of your head with his large palm. “Oh…no, no please don’t cry. Please don’t cry, shhhhhhh.” He coos into your hair, sliding his hands and arms up and down your body for friction, trying to warm you up, and neither of you give a shit that his hands are all up and down your thighs and ass, your back, and the sides of your breasts.

“Frankie I can’t. I can’t do this.”

He pulls you in harder, as if he could absorb you into his warmth. “No please, you can. I know you can.”

“I can’t!” You sob, and the sound physically hurts him so much he gets up and rolls you onto your back, immediately covering the entirety of your body with his large frame, his forearms braced on the ground and curling around your shoulders. He tucks his face into your neck, nose bumping against the dirty skin, and you whimper when you feel the warm puffs of breath against you.

Every part of you is touching every part of him, but it doesn’t even matter. Nothing matters other than the fact that this man is giving you his entire body to keep you warm, even though his back is completely exposed to the chill of the air. “Frankie, what about you?”

“I’m okay. Just want you to be okay. You can do this okay? I got you, I need you here with me, okay?”

You wrap your arms around his back, opening your thighs just a little so he can nestle slightly between them, taking advantage of that extra warmth. You suddenly feel so exhausted, like you don’t even feel the cold anymore but just need to sleep. Sleep and it will go away. Maybe when you wake up the rain will be over.

He only realizes it when your breathing slows and your hands stop rubbing against his back. He calls your name, but you don’t answer. “Hey! Hey, no, you can’t go to sleep, you gotta stay up.” He wriggles from side to side, trying to jostle you awake and he starts panicking when you don’t. “Hey, come on, baby, please. Gotta stay up. Fuck!”

He hates it but he unloops his arm from under you to give you several slaps on the cheek. Your eyes burst open and immediately seek his.

“Fuck…shit…you scared me…” His head was still in the crook of your neck, but you could hear the fear in his voice. “You can’t go to sleep. You could go into hypothermia and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Okay? Gotta stay up. Stay up with me.” He pulls his head out of your neck and cups your cold cheeks with his hands. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

-Day Fifteen-

The rain stopped early in the morning, and the two of you spent the entire next day catching up on the sleep you couldn’t risk during the night. When you woke, you were nestled into his chest, your nose pressing into his skin.

It was warm out.

You sigh, wondering whether you should try to wriggle out or just wake Frankie up, but you find that you aren't eager to leave his arms. One of his arms is draped against your waist, and the other is the pillow your head rests on.

He had willingly sacrificed his own body heat in order to keep you warm, whispering in your ear all night to keep you awake. He told you about his stupid friends, things he had to do in the military that still haunted him to this day, his favorite movies. Anything to keep you up and engaged. You’d never seen anyone on the show do that before.

You don’t want to leave his arms. You don’t want to keep ignoring how you feel, no matter how crazy it is. You rest your head back against his broad chest, your thumb softly stroking the skin of his hip that your hand rested on.

He hums, subconsciously pulling you by the waist closer into him, your breath catching when you feel the stiff length of his cock pressing into your abdomen. You freeze, not knowing what to do. You’re not sure if you want him to stop or keep going as he chases the feeling, rolling his hips up against you as he hardens further.

He doesn’t know he’s doing it, doesn’t know it’s you and that’s what makes you slap him on the chest lightly and call his name until he wakes up blearily, a stupid lazy smile on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hi, um. Can you?” You point down and he all but throws himself off you, ripping the burlap bag from his feet and covering up his erection from you.

“Oh shit! Fuck, I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, fuck, I didn’t think…it would happen out here.” You continue staring at him, your lips in a little ‘O’ shape as you stare at him from beneath your eyelashes. He grimaces, then hides his face in his hands. “I’m so fucking sorry. It’s a morning thing, it’s not–I don’t—”

“It’s fine.” You murmur quickly, shifting to your knees to exit the shelter. “I know it wasn’t on purpose. Thanks for keeping me so warm last night.”

“...Yea, no problem.”

When you exit the tent he slaps himself in the forehead. He hopes he didn’t ruin it.

----

It doesn’t seem like anything has changed. You’d meant what you said when you told him some things were just biology. But after the two of you work on getting a fire re-started, ultimately relying on cutting pieces of your own hair to spark it up against the wet kindling, you again find yourself in an intimate position.

The mosquitos were horrific today, all the rain agitating them and giving them hope for places to lay their eggs. It was awful, the worst it had been since you came. Frankie suggested you rub ash on each other, telling you sometimes it helped ward off bugs. You laugh to yourself as you turn your back to him, asking him to put it on for you. You can almost hear him swallow, his hands gathering up some ash and rubbing it on your shoulders and back. You don’t stop him as he goes lower, even as he eyes your reaction when he goes and puts it on your thighs, curving his hands back up to quickly smear some over your butt cheeks.

“Just being thorough.” He says when you jokingly glare at him.

The rest of the day is spent looking for more food. You hadn’t eaten anything during the storm and you desperately needed the nutrients. Frankie was looking especially thin, and you sometimes catch him wobbling when he stands up.

You cuddle again that night, just as close together even though it wasn’t as cold, the comfort of being against the other person was something the two of you had clearly gotten used to.

-Day Sixteen-

“Frankie!”

“Yea!”

You can’t believe you actually have the energy to run, but you’re too excited. “Look what I found!” You thrust your arm in the air, holding the yucca root high so he can see it.

“What is that? I can’t see that far!”

You laugh as you come before him, panting harshly. “I found yucca!”

“You did?!”

“YES.”

“We have soap?”

“We have soap!” You cheer, your excitement bubbling over as you hope up and down in the sand. “And carbs! We can also boil some of this. Maybe we can fill up enough for extraction with this.”

The two of you get to work taking turns peeling the yucca with Frankie’s machete. Your muscles were unsteady as it began to feast upon itself in starvation, and you became tired quickly, making you clumsier with the large knife. It helps to switch back and forth every few minutes. Finally, you get it as peeled as you can. Frankie chops some up and puts it in a few bamboo shoots, lying them gently against the hot coals of the fire to boil while you ground up the rest to try to make soap.

After doing the best you could, Frankie pulls you up by your hand and the two of you giddily frolic into the water, splashing your way to a knee deep area. “Here. Turn around. Maybe we can finally get this nice and clean.” You ruffle his filthy, matted hair.

“Are you saying I smell?”

“Yes. Sit down and tilt your head back.”

He laughs and does what you ask, and you use one of your bamboo cups to scoop up some water and wet his hair, kneeling behind him as you start rubbing the ground yucca between your hands vigorously.

“Is it working?”

“I think so. Keep your head straight. Obey.” You lightly smack him on the arm and he chuckles, recalling your worst spat a few days ago. You finally just slop the yucca onto his head and cup water on it, intermittently massaging your fingers into his scalp. It does kind of foam, and you take your time working it in, passing over every curl.

Frankie sighs, a low moan escaping his lips as you card your fingers through his hair trying to get all the tangles out. You feel the burn in your belly at the sound, but you focus on your task until you are satisfied, thoroughly rinsing his hair afterwards.

Since you’re already there, you lather up his neck and ears to his shoulders and down his back, scraping two weeks worth of mud and dirt off of his body, leaving the skin below pink from the friction. He turns and looks at you as you work, his eyes hooded and soft.

“You don’t have to do that.” But he sighs and slightly preens under your attention.

“I know. But I am. And I’m going to ask you to do the same.” You continue working until his back is as clean as you can get, making sure his ears and neck are rinsed completely.

“Okay, your turn. C’mere.”

You splash around him excitedly, moving to sit in front of him but he opens his thighs and pulls you backwards by the waist so you’re settled in between them, but without touching him at all.

It feels like time has stopped while you wait for the first touch, the anticipation building and cresting until you almost beg him to start, and that’s the exact moment you feel the water wetting your hair, his hands threading in towards your scalp as much as it can. His fingers are thick and he presses them into your skin, rubbing and massaging as he works that yucca from root to tip.

You can’t hear how you’re moaning and whimpering because it just feels that good, can’t feel the way your sounds are driving him crazy and he’s struggling not to harden on the water against your back, struggling to not draw the attention of the camera-man.

He feels your hands dart out and grab each of his thighs and he stifles back a grunt, focusing on rinsing your hair and then working your neck, your shoulders and back just like you did for him, spending extra time tending to the knots and kinks he finds in the muscles.

You get lost in it, not realizing your slumping back into him bit by bit until he leans forward and husks in your ear. “Need to rinse. Lean forward.”

“Oh…sorry.” You lean forward again, yanking your hands off his legs. You didn’t even realize you’d put them there.

“It’s okay.” It's silent as he pours the water over your back, the remaining foamy dirt dripping off into the water. It should feel awkward to just be sitting, taking an intimate bath right in front of a production crew, but you’ve grown used to it by now. “All done.” You look back at him and thank him, but you don’t move to leave. He takes the opportunity to lean forward, resting his sharp chin on your shoulder. “Can I…can I hold you?”

There isn’t even a second before you respond. “Yes.”

His arms suddenly surround you, crossing over your arms to rest on your clavicle and the tops of your breasts as he leans you back against him. He had moved to lean against a rock while he washed your hair, and so you felt no guilt at fully melting back into him, scooting your butt back so you’re more comfortable. You can feel him, hard against the small of your back.

You can feel the camera-men focusing on this moment and dread for when they ask about it in your daily one-on-one interview later, but you try to ignore it and feel this moment. Because in 4 days, it will be over, and you will both go home to separate places. You feel him press his soft cheek against your wet hair, inhaling and exhaling steadily at a soothing pace. “Frankie?” You whisper, low enough you hope the cameras won’t pick it up. He catches your cue, responding just as soft, not moving an inch.

“Hm.”

“What…what is this?”

“I don’t know.” He moves to release you but you minutely shake your head, so he re-wraps his arms around you lower than before so they are resting on the tops of your breasts. “Just feels good.”

You nod, your head tilting back to bump against him as you close your eyes and enjoy the late afternoon sun and the pleasant cool of the stream. Eventually your turn, rolling over so you’re resting on your hip, your legs over his thigh and your back and face curled against his chest. He rests his chin on the crown of your head, his arms winding around your waist. One hand slips below the water to rest on your other hip, thumb barely caressing the skin there.

It’s the moment you think of the most.

-Day Seventeen-

“I don’t think this extraction is going to be achievable in only one day.” Frankie observes. His voice sounds weird. Disjointed. Shaky. You look down at the map lying on the ground between you. “Look. We’re gonna have to hike two miles all the way up here to this part of the river, then follow the river seven miles up til it meets the ocean, and a boat will meet us there.”

You point to a little raft icon. “They want us to build a raft then. I don’t think we will be able to carry a raft from here to there.”

“No. We’ll have to build it there. But we can do some of it tomorrow. Make that our day’s goal.”

You turn to poke at the fire, stirring it back to life from its early morning hibernation. It takes a bit for Frankie to get up, yesterday you pulled him up by your hands out of the stream and he’d played it off like it wasn’t a big deal. You remember how much it pissed you off when he questioned your body, so you said nothing. He knows his own body just as you knew yours.

You should have listened to your instincts. A confused “What the fuck?” is all you hear, and as you whip around you see Frankie’s eyes roll back into his head as he faints straight as a board backwards onto the ground, thumping his head, breath expelling from his lungs from the impact.

“Frankie!” You scramble to him, kneeling beside him as you cup his face. His eyes are closed and his chapped lips are slightly parted. He’s still breathing. “Hey…” You stroke his cheeks, your fingers scratching against the three week old beard he’s grown. “Frankie.” You pull his head into your lap, gently smacking his cheek. “Hey. Hey, come on. Come back to me. Please! Go get the medic!” You order the camera-man, and he gets up quickly to head towards the producer tent.

You exhale sharply, wiping your fingers on your thighs before gently pulling on his eyelid to open an eye. It snaps shut again and he groans, finally coming back to himself, his body awkwardly flailing a bit like he forgot how it works. When he opens his eyes again, you’re looking over him, the sun framing you like a halo.

“Hi.”

He smiles weakly. “Hey.”

“Are you okay?”

“I think so. I just stood up and whited out, I dunno. Now I’m laying here.”

“You fell.”

The medics arrive and crowd around Frankie, you don’t want to intrude so you begin to back away, but he grabs your hand and holds it to his chest while they check on him. He starts feeling better within a few minutes, bouncing right back to his stubborn self as he shoos the medics away with assurances he’s fine. You walk with them back out of the camp.

“He has low blood pressure, but is okay. If it gets worse, we need to take him, okay?” You nod, turning to return to Frankie who is now sitting up. You smack him on his bent knee.

“You scared me, you asshole.”

“Sorry.”

You reach your hand out to him and he takes it, his other hand grabbing your other hand as you drag his massive body up. He stands still for a moment, eyes closed as he gains his bearings. “So fucking dizzy.”

“You okay?”

He releases your wrists and pats your arm. “Yea I’m good.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

-Day Eighteen-

He doesn’t look good. His skin is kind of yellowish and his cheeks look gaunt, he has purple bags under his eyes, and he’s blinking often, like his vision isn’t clear. He’s down, not as chatty as he usually is with you, and even though you’ve only spent two and a half weeks in his company, you can see he’s not himself. You’re also sore and fatigued, your feet are cut up and you’re constantly out of breath, but otherwise you feel okay. The almonds and cabbage and fruits you have been foraging for have sustained you pretty well, and you don’t feel like you’ve betrayed your beliefs.

Last night was scary. It was the first time you’d heard him seriously consider quitting. You’d held him close as he curled in on his stomach. “I can’t do it…”

“You can, I know you can. You told me the same thing, you got me through it, you can get you through it.” You don’t want him to quit, you can’t let him quit, not when he’s so close. You need to do it together. But you know he doesn’t have the strength to complete the challenge if you don’t do something.

----

The next morning you try to check his traps but can’t find half of them, and end up turning back and perching yourself on one of the rocks in the stream. You trail your eyes up the tiny current, the little rocks sitting in the narrow passageways between large ones. There’s one that looks a little different, and you lean forward, peering closer at it.

It’s a frog. A big frog.

It’s right there, resting on top of another tiny rock with its eyes closed, completely unaware of your presence. You turn to the camera-man. “I…I don’t know what to do.” You bite your lip, looking back over to where Frankie is still lying on his back in front of the shelter. His sternum is jutting out in a haunting way, the stomach flesh below it concaving in. His hip bones are sticking out.

You’ve never killed an animal in your entire life.

You grab the frog.

----

“Frankie!”

He hears you, but barely has the energy to get up, so he tilts his head in your direction. “Yea?” You stride up to him, reaching into your bag for the frog. He perks up, the excitement giving him the boost to sit up fully. “What’d you get?”

You pull out the frog and he uses everything in him to push himself up out of the sand. You press the animal into his palms. “Here. I brought this back for you.” He jerks his eyes up to meet yours, they dart back and forth between them like he thinks you might be joking. His mouth parts and he blinks rapidly, looking back down at the animal before he starts to tear up. “This…is a lot of protein for me.”

“Yea.”

“Thank you so much, this is…this is so amazing! I really appreciate this.”

You nod once, turning and walking away towards the pool. Frankie pads over to the fire and eases himself down, grabbing a piece of bamboo to lay the frog on to process. He pauses, looking up to see where you went, his chest pinching when he sees you resting in the water, your head buried in your arms on a rock.

“I can’t believe she did that.” He says to the camera-man. “She picked that up and knew she was the difference between death and life and she chose to give it to me. I know that was hard for her.” He looks up again, watching you sit with your decision in the stream. This was…he couldn’t even say it. “I’m…feeling really emotional right now. I’m never gonna forget this.”

When the animal is cooked he eats every single piece, not willing to waste any of that protein. It was the best tasting thing he’d ever eaten in his life, and it tasted that much better because you got it for him. You. The woman that was thrown into his life and challenged everything he thought he knew. The woman that was changing him for the better. The woman he didn’t want to let go.

-Day Nineteen-

The two of you get up early and set to work, breaking down your shelter to re-use the materials. You make new water canteens with long handles, creating paddles for the raft with a large branch crossed at the end with four short bamboo shafts. You bind together strong cordage and lashings to build the raft, and more for securing it to the shore when you inevitably have to make landfall when it gets dark tomorrow night.

You spent the night beneath the stars, Frankie’s arm your pillow as you looked at the clearest sky you’d ever seen. The weather was perfect and mild, the buzz of the mosquitos was low and the monkeys were at rest like they knew it was your last night in this location.

You turn your head to look at Frankie, but he’s already looking at you. You hold eye contact with him even though it hurts, it physically hurts looking at him because you know it’s all ending and you can’t believe how much you’ve grown to care for this person in such a short amount of time.

“Frankie…”

“No.” He turns toward you, dragging you in by your waist and the arm you’re resting on, your face falling into the little nook between his neck and shoulder, and you just know what he means. No, I don’t want to talk about it right now. No, we need to focus on tomorrow’s journey. No, I actually can’t deal with this, because the thought of leaving you makes me just want to stay here. No, it’s not just you.

You hold him back in return, your hand splaying against his broad back, grown bonier from lack of food. You try not to sleep, to take in every moment so you can remember it, but your body decides for you and eventually, you pass out in his arms.

-Day Twenty-

The next day you get up early again, putting out your fire and gathering up your items and raft materials. It’s hot and humid and you’re not excited for this trek. You sling on your cordage and bamboo water jugs, picking up the walking sticks you’d made and head into the jungle. Frankie is ahead of you, and you’re glad for it so you can keep an eye on him. You know if he feels weak, he won’t say anything about it.

Frankie’s feet HURT. It’s almost unbearable and he winces every time he steps, the pressure of his own body on his ankles too much. He stumbles constantly, but every time you ask him if he wants to stop he refutes it. “I just wanna get there. I can rest once I’m there.”

You finally reach the area you need to be to construct the raft, and use the little energy you have to chop down the bamboo to construct it with the remaining hours you have left. You have to pause and catch your breath after almost every chop. How the fuck are you going to paddle eight miles after this?

You cut about 25 long shoots, and 12 more shorter ones for benches, kneeling down and tying them all together as tight as possible in as little time as you can. When you’re satisfied, you drag it into the water and settle yourselves on it, you in the front, Frankie controlling the back.

The going is slow and you also have to keep an eye out for caiman, your arms are burning but you need to get as far as you can. You don’t even stop when it thunders over you, rain drops pouring down as you methodically paddle onwards.

When you can’t even see nor paddle any longer, Frankie uses his larger paddle to steer you towards shore. You have no idea if you’ve chosen a good spot but you can’t see enough to find anything better, so you heave the raft up the bank as much as you can and lash it to the nearest tree before finally collapsing into the sand beneath you. You pass out in Frankie’s arms immediately as he takes first watch, occasionally throwing rocks at you don’t even want to know in the water. He wakes you up several hours later so you can switch.

-Day Twenty-One-

You had a hard time getting up. You’d told him limbs felt like lead and you were so sore you wanted to cry, but you both knew you had to get up. You were almost there. With Frankie’s support you get up at first light and hop back onto the raft, both thankful that at least you only had two or three more miles to go. It’s incredibly quiet, the desire to just be done with this the only thing pushing you forward as you zone out and just paddle. And paddle. And paddle more.

Frankie calls your name and you twist your neck to look at him. He points at the sky. “Look.” You look forward and up at the most beautiful sunrise cresting over the horizon. You hadn’t even noticed it. Pink fading into yellow and a warm glow atop the water, Frankie focuses on it and continues on, passing small mountains and more jungle on your way to the Caribbean Sea.

Finally you turn a corner and there it is, the river widening out and opening into the open ocean. A surge of energy from nowhere speeds him up, paddling as fast as he can until his arms are screaming in pain with the effort. When you get close enough to the bank, he hops out and pushes you onto shore. You hop off into the sand and help pull the raft onto it before turning around to the cresting waves.

“Look!” You cry out, pointing towards the tiniest boat beyond the waves. But it didn’t come closer, and your stomach drops when you realize you have to get through them to get there.

Frankie looks at you and takes your hand before saying “lets do this”, and the two of you run with as much speed as you can and dive into the waves. The waves are rough and he realizes why the boat couldn’t come closer as they batter into you, he swears he doesn’t have enough energy left but he fights, scrambling to stay above the surf.

He constantly makes sure you are beside him, your face pulled into a grimace as you struggle not to be pulled under, but the current is so strong it’s pulling both of you too far to the left and away from the boat. You can hear the boat trying to reach you but the chopping waves are determined to remain a barrier between you.

“Stay with each other!” They continue to yell at you as you dive under one more wave before finally getting beyond the surf, and Frankie bolts towards it, his body screaming at him. He reaches the boat first, arms shooting out as he grabs the edge and heaves himself over with a growl, tumbling onto his back as he tries to catch his breath.

You aren’t right behind him. He sits up abruptly and looks for you, his eyes darting all over the choppy surface of the water. He can’t see your head and he panics but then you pop up, a final errant wave must have caught you and pushed you back into the surf. You get past it once more and stall, your body simply refusing to function anymore. Your leg cramps and you feel yourself dipping under, and you tip your head back to stay above water. You got beyond the waves but you barely have the energy to swim the rest of the way.

She can’t make it. Frankie realizes you’ve finally hit the wall as he had days ago, and he doesn’t question his choice for a second. He jumps in the water to go get you, despite his own exhaustion, despite the fact that he might not be able to make it back either. You’re trying to make your way but it’s slow, and he knows there’s a chance you might just shut down or get swept away. You could die.

You try to call for him when you see him, and the panic in your voice taps into every ounce of energy he has left, reaching for that frog protein you gave him as he reaches you and grabs your wrist, his breaths heaving as he swims back with you to the side of the boat, the choppiness of the water throwing you against the metal with a bang.

You hang on to the edge as Frankie heaves himself up first, almost face planting into the bottom before turning around immediately to help the boatmen get you up. The side of the boat is higher than you have the energy to get over and you look absolutely exhausted. He grabs you by the upper arm and pulls you up, your other hand pushing against the rim to lift yourself up as far as you can. He wraps his arms around your hips and pulls, getting you the rest of the way over. You land backwards onto a bench and into his arms, crying as you feel him touching you all over to make sure you were okay. Just him, and safety, and him, rubbing your thigh, gripping your arm, pulling you into his warmth by the waist, pushing the wet hair from your face, a hand cupping your cold wet cheek and brushing tears and water and sand off them.

He lets out a sob of relief, the salt helping him tear up as he cries into your hair, eventually sitting upright so the boat could start moving. “We’re in. We did it.”

You burst into laughter amongst your tears and you turn to him with the most beautiful and dirty smile he’s ever seen as you reach for him, hugging him to you as the boat heads off into the horizon.

----

When you land, you’re greeted with a gigantic table of goodies and water, and you and Frankie whoop as you race towards it, grabbing pizza, bread, baked goods, and even some vegan sweets for you. You sit around the table with the producers, medics, and camera-men, laughing and talking into the late afternoon.

After that it was check ups and weigh ins before you were finally each released to your own hotel room. You hop immediately into the shower, and stay in there for at least an hour scrubbing your body and scalp raw.

-Day Twenty-Two-

Both of you are on a three day medical hold to make sure you’re okay to go home with no bacteria or diseases. You sleep the entire next day, get in touch with whoever you need to, ordering room service straight to you so you can just lay down and not move.

You think about Frankie and where you stand, if it would be weird to go to him, if he would even want that. It was entirely possible it could just be done now, the comfort found in another person from necessity. Ultimately, you were strangers. And you would go your separate ways.

----

Once he woke up, he thought about you all day. He didn’t know what to do, what to expect now, but it was telling that you weren’t contacting him at all. For a little while he had really convinced himself that this actually was something, but now completely out of the situation, the idea was ridiculous. He was old enough to be your fucking father, he’s stubborn and annoying and you were completely different. He isn’t what you would choose.

He couldn’t sleep that second night, tossing and turning with thoughts of you screaming in his head. The way you held him when you slept when it wasn’t even cold out. Sometimes he felt your fingers gently stroking his skin. How you took care of him when he fell. When you gave him the frog. The sound of you crying out to him in the ocean and the way you clung to him when he got you up onto the boat. He thought about you coming out of that river like the fucking Birth of Venus, how it felt when he had you beneath his fingertips, his cock nudging against your ass. That one time you tried to teach him basic yoga and he collapsed into the sand, your laugh filling the air. How you always wanted to hold his hand when you slept.

No. There’s no fucking way. There’s no way this was platonic. There’s no way this was simply convenience.

He tosses the blankets off himself, throwing a hotel robe over his tee and boxers and all but rips the door open as he marches down the hallway to your door. He reaches up to knock but stalls, backpedaling on his thoughts and he is about to turn around and walk away when the door yanks open and you almost collide straight into him.

You stare at each other, his hand still raised in a fist for the door that’s no longer in the way.

It only takes three seconds.

Your lips crash together and your upper limbs flail around as they find a part of each other to grasp. His hands land on your cheek and you suddenly realize his hand is the size of your entire face and how did that escape your notice ?!?!?! but then the other hand lands on your waist and he pushes you against the wall. He pulls away just enough to look in your eyes, his hooked nose bumping against yours.

You meet his lips again, softly, a small whimper sounding in the back of your throat and it drives him absolutely insane. He picks up speed, his lips nipping at yours as he kisses you again and again until you’re panting in between them, and he takes that opportunity to tilt his head and thrust his tongue into your mouth, moaning when it meets yours.

Your arm shoots out blindly to your left, struggling to find the door and when you find it you slap it closed with a bang, throwing your arms back around his neck as you explore his mouth in return. You bite his bottom lip and he groans, bending to pick you up under the thighs and carry you to the bed. You don’t stop kissing him on the way, and when you’ve reached the bed you uncross your legs from behind his back and let him toss you onto it.

You’re leaning back on your elbows looking up at him, your legs hanging off the bed and the tie of your own robe curled on the comforter. He picks it up and pulls it open, his hands moving under the lapels to part them, allowing you to shrug out of it. A little white tank top and some boxer shorts had never looked so good. He stands there staring at you, taking you in. Clean, soft, but covered in all the places he was used to seeing all the time.

You swallow. “Ummm, I forgot to bring clothes for after…production bought me some undershirts and boxers…”

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you.” He rasps, his eyes trailing from your beautiful eyes to your lips, your heaving chest and the hint of your tits he can see through the fabric.

“Me too.”

He doesn’t know where to look, so overwhelmed from having you around him 24/7 but not actually being able to have you. You sit up, untying his own robe as he watches. You look up at him, sliding your fingers underneath the hem of his tee to touch the skin on his tummy, eventually pushing the shirt up enough to lean forwards and plant little kisses and licks there. He shivers, a small moan escaping his lips as you move back down, stroking his thighs and bony hips until you’re gripping the waistband tentatively. You look up at him again, you look so pretty from this angle and he desperately wants to see what you’d look like with his cock in your mouth.

“Please touch me. Don’t make me beg, baby.”

You smile, pressing another kiss on his happy trail as you reach to cup him, his cock twitching and hardening further under your palm. His mouth drops open as he watches you, your tiny hands palming him, thumb circling the tip of his cock until he can feel the pre-cum seeping into the cotton. You lick your lips, your face hovering right where he wants it and he whines above you. “What do you want?”

“Don’t care. Just want you. I’m yours if you want me, do whatever you want.”

You peel off his boxers, his massive cock bouncing out and the only thing that’s on your mind is how much you want to kiss it. You take him in your hand, so thick your hand almost doesn’t make it around as you lean forward and lap the pre-cum dripping from his fat cock head.

The noises he makes are sinful and you can feel wetness gathering between your thighs from them alone. You open your mouth and take him, he’s so big you can only get a third of it in your mouth. You swirl your tongue around his shaft as his hands shoot to the back of your head. Not pushing, simply resting there as you work him. You pop off him and catch your breath, looking up at his beautiful face pinched in pleasure. “You’re so fucking big.”

“Oh fuck…” He sighs, and you wrap your lips around him again, corkscrewing your hand on the parts you can’t reach. He flinches, his hips jerking forward as he accidentally thrusts into your throat but you grab him by the ass to keep him there, allowing him to gently fuck your throat.

When he pulls out, cum and saliva is dripping from your lips and he curses, throwing off the robe and ripping his tee off. “Lay back on the bed.” You do eagerly and he chases you, hovering over you as you pull your tank top up and over your head, throwing it on the ground. He immediately drops to your breasts, squeezing and stroking them, pinching and kissing and nibbling your nipples until you’re squirming under him.

“Frankie…please fuck me.”

He sits up on his knees and pulls off your boxers and underwear, all but drooling over your pubic mound before taking you by the thighs and throwing them over his shoulders. You don’t know what you were expecting but it wasn’t him diving right in, his fingers spreading you wide and the flat of his tongue lathing against your folds, collecting your wetness with a hum. He takes his time, paying attention to every square inch of you before sliding up and suckling at your clit, his fingers gently circling your entrance before one gently pushes in.

You keen, your back arching in a U over the bed as he works you open, sucking at you and thrusting into you with increasing speed. When more slick comes rushing out to meet his hand, he pushes in a second finger, then a third, pumping them and curling them inside of you as you cry above him.

“Frankie.” You gasp, a hand reaching out and gripping his hair, pulling on it to get him back up to you. “Please fuck me. I want you so bad.”

He lifts his head to meet your eyes, his nose and chin covered in your pre-cum. “I want to baby, but I gotta get you ready for me. You’re so fucking tight. So fucking sweet.” He bends back down, pushing a fourth finger in and the stretch burns with pain and pleasure at the same time. He finger fucks you, your cries egging him on as they pitch higher, and it’s like he knows you so well that he knows just when to take your clit back into his mouth and suck hard.

You scream his name, your thighs involuntarily squeezing his head but he loves it, moaning as he takes everything you give him until you’re whimpering and trembling beneath him. When you catch your breath he’s on his knees over you, his cock flushed and pink and pointing towards the ceiling. You reach for him and he crawls to you, as he gets closer you see he has a few little grays in his pubic hair and for some reason it drives you crazy. You yank him to you, opening your thighs and he settles between your legs, kissing you tenderly while he notches himself at your entrance.

“Fuck baby, I can’t wait. I can’t.” He pushes in and you cry out, he’s so fucking big and your lips spread wide to accommodate him as he pushes forward slowly, determined to be fully inside you.

He’s only halfway in when you halt him, your hands gripping his biceps. “I can’t…”

“You can. I know you can. You will.” He reaches down to gently thumb at your clit, and when you release more fluid he pushes the rest of the way in, moaning as he becomes fully seated.

“Oh my god, oh fuck!” It feels like he’s splitting you to the brink, you’re just so full of him. You didn’t know you could scream so loud when he pulls back and pushes back in, but you don’t want him to stop. He’s so gentle with you, murmuring praise in your ear and stroking your face and your shoulders as you struggle to accommodate him, you can feel how much he’s holding back and how much he wants you. His hip bones stick out too far and jut into yours, and his back feels bony under your hands as you encourage him to speed up.

“I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“It’s good…please fuck, I’m good, just fuck me.”

“Jesus Christ you’re so fucking sexy.” He groans as he lurches forward, his hips rolling against yours as he fucks into you. “So fucking sexy when you yell at me and tell me I’m being stupid…”

You can’t even speak, he can tell he’s incapacitating you completely and all you can do is take him, the lack of energy you still have allowing him to take control and push you open, leaning back and pulling your hips up to meet him as he starts thrusting deeper into you. He pushes your thighs up and pulls all the way out, his cock red and shining with your cum, then stuffs himself all the way back in. You wail out every time his hips meet with yours.

“Oh yea, scream for me baby. Wanted to do this when you were rubbing your pretty little ass against me in your sleep, fuck you right in the dirt for the whole jungle to hear, but this hotel will have to do.”

He punctuates that with a rough press of his hips, watching your eyebrows tilt and your mouth hang open in silent moans as he keeps pulling his huge dick all the way out and slamming it all the way back in. “So fucking frustrating.” He growls. “Don’t fucking listen, fight with me on everything, now look at you. Not talkin’ now.”

The room is filled with the slapping of skin, the squelching of your wet cunt taking him, your sobs and cries, his erotic grunts and moans. “Fuck you so good you can’t talk, yea? Tell me.”

“Yes! Fuck!”

“I like you talkin’ though. Like you defying me, like you yelling at me, bein’ a little brat. Fucking love it. Oh...shit. Knew you’d look so pretty stretched around my cock. I can barely fit in you. But you’re gonna take me.”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh shit…oh fuck..oh shit…fuck…I like you so much, I like you so fucking much.” He presses his forehead to yours, you can feel his sweat against your skin. That familiar scent of him, the musk and tang oh his sweat making you want him closer, need him closer.

“Frankie…I like you so much.”

He kisses you sloppily, sighing as he pulls away and sucks on your ear. “I’m.--I’m old enough to be your father–”

“I don’t care!” You gasp, wrapping your legs around his waist and pulling him deeper, clenching your walls around him. “I like it, I like it so fucking much. You’re so fucking stubborn and—oh, Frankie I’m gonna cum.”

“Come on sweetheart, give it to me.” He presses his thumb to your clit, swiping side to side to reach the entire bud as you tense below him, your coil building with each thrust of his massive cock deep in you and his calloused finger pad rubbing your clit, the scrape of his graying beard against your cheek. “Yea, yea, yea, give it to me. Want your little pussy to cum all over my cock.”

It’s so much, the overstimulation of sounds and words and touch and smell overwhelms you until you’re spasming under him, cumming with a high pitched wail as he speeds up, cooing in your ear. You cum so much the sound of him entering you sounds like splashing into the stream water. He puts a hand over your mouth. “Listen. Want you to listen to how wet you are for me. Listen while I cum.”

He pulls back and looks at you, your face completely wrecked and fucked out, your tits bouncing under him, the slap of his balls on your ass and snarls as he pulls out, stroking his cock briskly until he cums a giant load on your stomach and tits.

“Holy shit.” He’s panting hard and he falls forward a bit, landing on a hand before rolling to the side of you and flopping on his back. He’s clean and fed, but his energy level still clearly needs time to recover. He looks at you, you’re lying against the pillow with your eyes closed and a smile on your face and he remembers his manners.

“Be right back.”

“Okay…”

He heaves himself up, taking a moment to gain his bearings before moving to the bathroom and coming back with a wet cloth, gently wiping his cum from your body before tossing it on the floor and sliding back into bed. He opens his arms hoping, and you meet him, nestling himself against his side, your fingers trailing his happy trail.

“This is nice.” He murmurs.

You hum, then look up at him with worry in your eyes. “Can…will you stay with me? Tonight?”

He looks deep into your eyes and senses fear in them, they’re a little watery and slightly panicked looking. It makes him feel afraid too, but he doesn’t know why. “Of course I will sweetheart. I’ll stay until you kick me out.”

“Okay.” You bury yourself into the warmth of his chest and he turns towards you, holding you just as he did in the wild. He preferred it this way though.

-Day Twenty-Three-

Waking up in the morning safe and warm and tangled in your body was even better. It was late morning and your ass was pressed against his dick again, making him harden almost immediately.

“Doing it to me again, are you?” He rasps, and you quietly giggle and wriggle your more against him. His hand moves from your stomach to your breast, cupping it and giving it a squeeze. “I’ll fuck you right here if you don’t stop. Just like this.”

You don’t, and he bites at your shoulder before grabbing your ass and scooting your backside up more, allowing him to press his cock against your slit. You whine softly, tilting your hips forward and back so the thick length of him slides back and forth between your wet lips. “Sweetheart, need to get you ready.” He groans again as he passes back over your hole, dipping in a little with the tip of his cock. “Gotta help you take me.”

You whine again, speeding up your movements. “No…just wannit.”

He bites his lip. “MMmmmmm yea? You want this cock? Want it to fill you up?

“Yessssss.”

He chuckles darkly, grabbing himself and slapping his cock against your pussy a few times before lifting one of your ass cheeks and pushing in, allowing him to see more from the angle. It’s a struggle because he didn’t work you, and he has to get a little rough to stuff himself in you as you squirm and babble nonsense against him.

It feels like he goes on forever, and he releases a guttural grown once he’s flush with your ass. You’re panting from the stretch and he is obsessed with the sounds of your body trying to accommodate him, wants to give you what you asked for so he starts moving, his hips slapping against your ass as he pounds into you, the headboard of the bed slamming into the wall.

“Oh my…oh fuck…oh shit oh shit fuck you’re so fucking big I—” You scream on one particular hard thrust, reaching back to grab the massive hand yanking you back and forth onto his cock, trying to stabilize yourself.

“Yea, you like that? SO fucking sexy, god you’re so fucking young.” He moans, slowing down so he doesn’t cum too fast. His hand leaves your hip and you arch your back to impale yourself as he takes you by the chin, bending you enough so he can whisper in your ear. “Would you have fucked me if you were home, pretty young thing?”

“Not–not if you opened your mouth.”

“Oh god I love your bratty fucking mouth.” Frankie grunts, and he teases your lips with his fingers. You open for him immediately, and he thrusts two fingers into your mouth to suck on. You nibble on them, licking and sucking as he whines, picking up his pace again as he all but splits you open.

“Want you to touch yourself. Want to feel you cum again, squeeze me so tight. Touch your little clit and come with me stuffed in you.”

You don’t need him to demand twice, you can feel his hand on your jaw gripping a little too tight as his body tenses behind you, you know he’s about to cum and you want to make him, make him cum again so maybe you can remember what it feels like when you’re back home and all of this is over. You rub yourself frantically, moans pitching higher as he starts stuttering.

“M’gonna cum baby, I’m sorry, gotta fuckin’ cum.” He withdraws and you almost scream at him in frustration, but before he can ejaculate you push on his chest and grab the base of his big cock, squeezing in the hope you can edge him. You’re not ready for it to end. He throws his head back and curses. “God, fuck! Always gotta have it your way.”

“Yes.” And you swing your leg over him, reaching back to line him up and sinking all the way onto his cock, immediately setting a rolling pace, grinding your aching clit against his thick mass of pubic hair. He’s finally quiet, his mouth gaping open and his forehead all scrunched, the cords of his neck covered in that salt and pepper beard bulging as he tries to hold out, but you don’t need long. You buck your hips five or six more times before you break, squeezing him to hell as you gush around him.

“Baby you gotta get off, gotta get off I’m gonna cum.”

“No. I want you inside me.” You push yourself down on him, clinging to his chest like a spider monkey and he curses once more, wrapping his arms around your back and thrusting up a few more times until he comes with a shout, the hot ropes of cum filling you up and making the end of your climax warm and tingling.

When he catches his breath, he tilts your chin up with one finger. “Sweetie, what did—”

“I just wanted you to stay with me.” You slide off him, sitting on the backs of your calves, squeezing your thighs in the hope he won’t drip out of you.

He sits up, his brow furrowed in confusion. “I am staying with you, what do you mean?”

“We’re leaving tomorrow. For home.”

“I know...”

“So, what do you think is going to happen?”

He looks down, panic rising in his chest as he realizes what you’re about to say. “No. We can do this, I–I can come visit you and you can come see me and—”

“I don’t want a long-distance relationship Frankie. It never works.”

“Move in with me, just come live with me then.”

“Frankie, I have a job and a life too. Why don’t you move to me?”

He realizes then it’s a stalemate and you’re right. There’s simply no way this could work. You’re too far away, not just where you live but in your lives, in your goals, your beliefs, even down to what you eat. You’re completely different.

“Fuck.”

You nod slightly, following an imaginary pattern on the sheet with your finger. “Yea.”

“Can you at least be with me until you have to leave?”

“Yea. I’d really like that.”

-Six Months Later-

t’s a full house at Frankie’s as his friends and family come for the premiere of his episode. He’s nervous, not sure what it would feel like to see you again, even from the TV.

You’d stayed in touch for a bit, but eventually it became too hard on you and you stopped reaching out. He stepped back, even though it fucking hurt more than anything in the challenge to let you go. But you were right, again. The distance was too much, it never would have worked, so he resigned himself to watching you from afar. Watching you succeed, maybe fall in love with someone else. Get married. And he’d be alone. He didn’t want anyone else. Unrequited love isn’t as romantic as you think it would be.

He gets through the episode well considering. His friends pepper him with questions on how “close” you were, his mom smiling at him knowingly, but he jokes it off and insists, “She’s just a friend. Nah, she’s just my close friend.” Even when you snuggled together. When you talked in the night under the diary cams. When he covered you with his body when you were hypothermic. When you washed each other and snuggled afterwards.

He could blow them off. Until the end of the episode, when he finally got to see the closing interviews.

(Frankie): I would never have made it through this without her. She's just as strong as me. Stronger, actually. She taught me to respect every life, think about every choice I make, to think about the man I want to be. The man I wanna be for her.

Everyone turned and looked at him and he sighed, looking back up when it was your turn. You looked so fucking beautiful, even caked in mud and dirt. It’s how you looked when he fell for you.

(You): The person I first met is not who is beside me now. I definitely did not have a good first impression of Frankie when we started. But…I was able to trust him, and it makes me so happy that I was able to teach this stubborn man some things. *you laugh* He’s become really important to me…and… *you choke up, tears sliding down your face* ummm…I don’t want him to leave. I don’t wanna leave him.

(Producer): Do you love him?

(You): Yea, I do.

The room is so quiet the final assessments seem blaringly loud, his mind scrambling as he processes what you just said on the air. For thousands of people to see.

(Narrator): Frankie lost a total of 30 pounds. Despite his stubborn attitude and the difficulty securing protein, putting his trust in his partner and his perseverance to push through the pain got him and his partner to the end. His Primitive Survival Rating raises from 7.1 to 7.6.

(You) lost 15 pounds. Despite a vegetarian diet, you excelled, gaining numerous skills and proving you are able to make the tough decisions needed to get your partner through the challenge. Your PSR raises from 6.5 to 7.6.

He loved you. And you loved him.

But you still left.

#frankie catfish morales #frankie morales x reader #frankie morales x you #frankie morales fanfic #pedro pascal #triple frontier #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfic #my writing #pedrostories

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fuwushiguro · 2 years

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I Just Don't Want To Get My Heart Broke

part three | masterlist

Yuuji Itadori x f!reader

Genre: Smut & Angst Notes: Thank you for sticking with me through this little mini series!! I'm so proud of it and love it so much and hope you've all enjoyed it. Warnings: 18+, virginity loss mention, signs of mental illness, teasing, touching, arguing, suicide ideation, blame placing. Words: 3.4k

Synopsis: Emotions aren't an option, but self destructing is. Yuuji Itadori is keeping everything to himself, while you are painting on a smile and pretending you're fine. Nothing is fine. Which one of you will admit it first?

spotify playlist if u wanna :P

A few days.

Just a few days to think, he tells you. It’s for the best. He’s sure of it. Yuuji thinks it would be best for you, too, a lot has changed in so few days. After going through a huge breakup, you rushed into bed with him. He knows what it means, although you’d deny it vehemently.

Yuuji Itadori is a rebound.

He feels strongly that you’ll realise it on your own if he gives you the time to dwell on what you did. You took his virginity, and he’s grateful, it’s what’s he’s always wanted. But why? Why now?

Could the reality be that you love him too? Did you just need confirmation that he felt the same way for you to finally make a move? It seems farfetched. A far cry from the reality he knows is true. There is a dull ache in you that you seem to be refusing to acknowledge. Being cheated on is one of the most heart-breaking things you can go through in life, and you are ignoring it.

Alcohol.

Drugs.

Yuuji.

These are just vices to you. It isn’t nice, he thinks, that he could be compared to the other two vices in your quest to forget.

He doesn’t see the way you paint on a smile for him, you thought he’d recognise the difference between real and fake by now. Maybe he doesn’t know you as well as you thought. He’s been with you through thick and thin but he doesn’t know you, does he? He thinks you’re numb to everything; he just doesn’t see the way you cry when you’re alone.

You’re hurting, you are hurt.

But all he sees is that you’re going ‘off the rails’, but really, it’s a simple cry for help you’re begging him to answer. So, you fucked him. He loves you, so it’s okay. It’s a way to bond, to be closer. You thought he might feel your pain if you gave him your everything. He has waited over a decade for you to love him, and who knows what fraction of that time he’s been eager to know you so intimately. But he doesn’t, still. He still doesn’t know you like you want him too.

If he did, he wouldn’t want space. And he definitely wouldn’t force it on you.

Day in, day out, you go to work and carry on pretending everything is okay. You’re doing your job as best you can in your current mental state. It’s not good enough for your manager, though, who finds himself practically screaming at you every day. He can’t understand why one of the best on his team is suddenly performing as the worst, and you don’t dare share. It’s humiliating, really, that you’re letting such a pathetic bastard get to you and interfere with your life.

You pray for the end of your shift. A job you used to love has now become your own personal hell, you can’t enjoy it like this. How did everything turn out… like this? Even your best friend can’t stomach looking at you. The one person in the world you believed you could rely on is shutting you out and pushing you further away than you thought possible. Maybe he didn’t want to see you anymore, ever. He got what he wanted and now he’s done with you.

No, that isn’t Yuuji. He said he is in love with you, and has been for twelve years. If he loved you, he’d want you for as long as he could have you. Right? Isn’t that what love is? Wanting to spend the rest of your life with the person who makes your heart race. The only pain you feel with them is face ache from smiling so much.

Isn’t that what he wants?

Are you wrong to think that’s what love is?

The way you frantically leave your office building doesn’t disguise how much you loathe your job at the minute. Your boss is noticing more and more each day. At this rate, he’ll pick up on your deteriorating mental health before Yuuji will.

You don’t stop by the convenience store like you normally do. Instead, you head home immediately. There is a small salad box in your fridge that you were meant to eat yesterday, but you didn’t get around to it. You’re going to confront Yuuji tonight, and you can’t do it on an empty stomach.

It’s almost agonising to eat. It seems to last forever, like you can’t stomach it. It’s so small and you need to eat. But, you can’t. Your nerves are shot, and you feel nauseous from forcing it into your system. You eat enough, you think, a fraction of the salad remaining in the packaging that you put back in the fridge. You aren’t sure why, you know you’re going to dispose of it tomorrow, anyway.

You debate visiting him in pyjamas and a bare face. Wanting him to really see how pained you are and how desperately you need him. Need him to love you and need him to care. But that isn’t you. You’ll never beg, and you certainly won’t let anyone see your suffering. Makeup is your best friend. A bold red lip will surely throw him off the scent of your declining ill-health.

He knows it’s you, his ears prick to the sound as he hears a knock at the door. Your knock. Yuuji is starting to realise that you never really did understand boundaries. His three days often translates to one through your hearing. And in this case, needing a few days to clear his head hasn’t gotten through to you either. Despite the fact it has been a few days, you seem to have missed the key words of him saying he will be in touch when he’s ready to talk.

You can’t wait anymore. You are ready now, and you need him.

He opens the door, eyes shooting open when your arms wrap around him and your lips meld softly against his. You’re surprised when he pushes you away, but you giggle nonetheless. Your bright red lipstick is now staining him. He looks in the nearest mirror, abandoning you to wash it away in the bathroom.

An obvious pink remains on his pretty lips, but there isn’t anything more he can do. It’s good enough, he thinks, and he wants to know why you’re here. He’d like to know what is so important that you couldn’t possibly respect his wishes and give him the space he was desperate for.

“Um, how was w—”

“I didn’t come here to make small talk, Yuuji.” you shut him down quickly, edging nearer to him on the sofa. He leaned backwards into the seat, it’s subtle but not entirely discreet. You clear your throat and move a little away from him.

He’s pulling away from you.

He’s rejecting you.

“So, why are you here?” he questions, “I’m pretty sure I explained that I wanted some time to think things through.” he reminds you. He did, you know he did. Your lack of patience forced you to go against his wishes and that is an unforgivable act as a best friend. But you’re sick of being best friends. You’re sick of waiting for him to think things through. What does he even need to think about?

“You love me, don’t you?” you ask him. His eyes close, turning away from you. But it’s a temporary relief from the discomfort he feels. They fly open again, a half-hearted smile resting on the lower half of his face.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Well then,” you clamber over to him, biting on his ear and kissing his cheek. “What are we waiting for Yuuji? Let’s be together, a real couple.” your hand rests on the side of his face furthest from you, forcing him to face you so that you can kiss his lips again. His entire face is soon to be covered in red. A lethal combination of lipstick and blood flushing his entire face. It’s shame, it’s lust, it’s embarrassment.

He gasps when he feels you begin to trace featherlight fingers over his crotch. The teasing stops, though, pawing at his cock instead. There is an urgent need within you to feel him again. To have him please you again; and you will offer the same reprieve in turn. A momentary loss of senses and the world around you as you lose yourselves in each other. You startle, almost choking on nothing, when you feel him firmly grasp your wrist. Putting a complete stop to your hasty touches.

“Do you love me?” he asks with zero eye contact. He can’t stomach to look in case he sees the truth he doesn’t want in your mournful eyes. It’s all he wants. He wants you to love him and to love you in turn. To make you the happiest he knows you could be, with him, and let the love he’s been holding back finally start to pour into you. But, alas, what would be the point if you don’t love him back?

He does look at you, eventually, the most sombre you’ve ever seen him look. Glossy eyes vibrate in their sockets, as if they’re pleading with you. Please love me back. They’re reading. It’s breaking your heart to see him like this. Love him back. Your mind tells you. But you can’t speak. You feel your tongue trapped behind a prison cell of teeth. They’re grinding and they’re loud in your ears. You want to tell him you love him. There is nothing more you want in the world.

But you’re not like Yuuji Itadori.

He’s been lying to you for twelve straight years.

You’ve never lied to him, once.

“Do you love me?” he repeats, needing to hear your answer. He wants you to put him out of his misery one way or the other. It’ll break him to hear the truth, but it’s better than pretending any longer. He can’t keep up this never-ending performance.

It’s killing him.

“I—”

He moves you away from him. He knows, now. He knows for certain. Why would you stop short of speaking if you were going to say exactly what he wanted to hear? He moves away, completely, leaning against the doorframe to his bedroom as he faces you.

“You are the worst best friend I’ve ever had,” he begins. He’s laughing a little, as he thinks about it. But you’re starting to cry. How could he possibly laugh at a time like this? After saying something so cruel, too. “I’ve been falling apart since the day we met, and you didn’t even notice.”

“Yuuji—”

“You said yourself, the night we slept together. ‘You’re going through enough without having to worry about me.’ That’s what you said, right?” he speaks, not waiting for you to answer his rhetorical question before he starts speaking again. “See, that has been our entire friendship. Everything is about you, and you never once stop to think about me.”

“That isn’t true, at all!”

“Do you know it’s been over two years since the last time you asked me how I was doing?”

You’re stunned into silence. That can’t be real, that cannot be the truth. How would he remember something so tedious, anyway? It’s like he’s been counting the days and waiting for you to trip up so he could throw it in your face. But it just doesn’t sound right. You have loved and cherished your friendship with Yuuji for as long as you’ve known him. There is just no possible way that what he just said is the truth.

“Wonderin’ how I remember that, huh? D’ya wanna know?” he raises his voice, goading you into biting back. But you don’t. You don’t because this means he has proof of what a horrible friend you’ve been to him. It’s true, and he does remember. “Because it was a fucking text message that you didn’t even let me answer before you started talking about yourself again. I took a screenshot and sometimes I read it before I sleep so that I can pretend you actually give a fuck about me past being your stupid little doormat.”

“I am so- Yuuji I’m so sorry. I—”

“Yeah, now. Now you’re sorry.” he barks back, overwhelming you back to silent sobs. Fat, salty tears roll down your face as you prepare for him to continue laying into you. “I almost killed myself the night before we slept together, because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take you anymore.”

You cover your face with your hands, bawling into them as he delivered the devastating confession. You’d never be able to forgive yourself if you found out he had taken his own life and it was all down to you. It’s a wakeup call, and you’re ashamed. You never want to pull your face from your hands and make eye contact with him ever again. He doesn’t deserve it, why couldn’t you have just stayed the hell away?

“Are you just saying all of this… b-because I don’t- I don’t l-love you back?” you wonder, quietly. He scoffs at that.

“You think I’m making this shit up, here, wait a sec,” he responds as he pulls up his phone. Desperately searching for his online banking account. He throws it at you before going to the kitchen, angrily rummaging through the drawers until he finds the zip lock baggie filled with Zoloft.

“What is this, Yuuji?” you question, staring at the two accounts on his bank page.

“Well, the top one is my main account. The second is savings. I’ve been working a dead-end job I fucking hate so I can save enough to help you go to Paris like you’re always talking about.” he dumps the pills on the coffee table, each and every pill clattering against the hard table top and making a punctuating statement throughout your entire nervous system. “And these are a mix of pills I got from Todo and some I stole from your bathroom. I was gonna swallow them all when I was high, but I guess there was a higher being telling me not to that night.”

“Oh God.” you whimper, blubbering inconsolably once more. “What can I do? I want to make it better, please, let me help. You’ve done so much for me, I want to—”

“Nothing, not a damn thing. All of the years I’ve listened to your dreams. Your worries. I’ve come to your rescue and dropped anything whenever you needed and I did it without complaint because I love you.” he explains. You nod in agreement. Perhaps there was a part of you deep down that knew the truth. Maybe you knew of his true feelings towards you and used them to your advantage to get what you want. But that’s disgusting and it isn’t fair. You’re realising that’s what you are, though.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Yuuji. I’ve been a terrible friend.” you sniff, doing your best to halt the flow of tears spilling from you, “Maybe now that you’ve gotten it off your chest, we can start fixing things.”

“Honestly? I want you to get out of my apartment, and I don’t know when I want to see you again. And hopefully for once you’ll fucking listen to me and not come by before I’m ready.”

You nod, standing to leave. It’s the very least you can do considering everything. But you can’t help but look down at the scattered antidepressants all over the living room. Your eyes find his one final time, and he knows what you want to say. And yet, he still lets you speak.

“C-Can I help? Clean up, I mean.”

“No, I’ll do it, just go.”

“Okay,” you smile. “whatever you want. Just, don’t do anything stupid. Please.”

He doesn’t respond, but he’s patient. He’s patient in how he waits for you to leave his apartment so that he can close the door after you. And he doesn’t slam it. It’s a gentle close with a deafening mechanical lock sound after it. It shoots straight through you, and once again, you’re sobbing.

You find yourself taking the scenic route home from work the next day. And you left early. Well, more like you were forced to leave early. You were understandably worse than you had been the day before, and work was the least of your concerns. Your boss warned you. He warned you that you better come in tomorrow with a brighter attitude and a better willingness to work.

It took you so long to walk home, you usually take public transport. But you thought a stroll could do you a world of good. It did and it didn’t. It was nice, and by the time you approached the beach you and Yuuji were eating strawberry laces at a few days prior, golden hour had hit the sky.

He really was right about this beautiful sky.

But he’s been right about a lot of things lately.

You’re almost forced backwards as a little red car zips passed you well over the speed limit. Maybe you’re crazy, but you could swear that was Yuuji’s car. It was going too fast and you definitely didn’t see his face. And yet, still, you’re sure that was him. Despite your better judgement, it encourages you to check your phone in case he’s decided to get in touch.

It's too soon, you know it’s too soon. But you can’t stop yourself from wanting to hear from him.

Your heart beats faster as you see a text with his name as the top. Maybe he is ready to work on your friendship despite it being so soon. You open it, speedily. But you aren’t sure if your heart has stopped, or your breath is stuck in your lungs as you read it again… and again… and again…

Yuuji: I can’t get passed this. I’m sorry, but I thought I at least owed you a text. I’m moving back to my grandfather’s house. I love you but I don’t want to see you ever again. It hurts too much and you’re bad for me. I need to take responsibility for my own wellbeing, so I don’t blame you. Don’t blame yourself. I just want to be happy. I love you, take care. 🍓

Should you reply? Maybe he’s blocked you already. But that means it probably was his car that just zoomed by you in such a hurry. Some distance between you is probably exactly what he needs. It hurts, you really are hurting. Your boyfriend and best friend gone in the blink of an eye. But you feel the same way as Yuuji does – you just want to be happy. And if that means letting him go, so be it. He’s right, again, as you think back to your argument last night.

He doesn’t really have any grounds to feel so high and mighty. ‘You’re the worst best friend he’s ever had’, and you could say the same. He worshipped you and treated you like no man ever has before. But it was all a lie. He only did it because he wanted you to himself, not because he thought it was the right thing to do. It has been a toxic entanglement of the user and the used. And you both just let it happen.

Maybe you will be better off as strangers.

You pull your phone closer to your face so that you can inspect the text as you type. It will be your final words to Yuuji. You want them to signify the type of friend you could have been. The type of friend you should have been. Not the selfish girl who manipulated him every day of his life to do your bidding.

You: I understand. I hope you find what you’re looking for Yuuji, you deserve all of the happiness you can find.🍓

It’s exciting but devastating for you both all in one emotional blow. He finds himself wiping away tears as he reads your text at a red light. You do the same, picking up the speed of your walking as you hurry home, needing to hide yourself away from the world.

You both wonder what he’ll do now.

Now that you’ve finally set him free.

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#yuuji itadori #yuji itadori #yuuji itadori x you #yuji itadori x you #yuuji itadori x reader #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen multichap #yuji itadori x reader #jujutsu kaisen angst #yuuji itadori angst #jjk fanfic #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen smut #yuuji itadori smut

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wayward-dreamer · 3 years

Text

Life’s Lessons - Part 8

Title: Life’s Lessons - A Lesson in Acknowledging Feelings

Pairing: Mechanic!Dean x Female!Teacher!Reader (eventual)

Other Pairings: Female!Reader x OMC - Mark, Female!Reader x OMC – Ethan (past, mentioned)

Word Count: 7,651 (texts, thoughts, song lyrics in italics).

Part Summary: It’s Y/N’s birthday dinner, which quickly takes a turn when Mark forgets himself and insults someone. Despite trying to cheer her up, Y/N begins to have her doubts about Mark after another chance to take things to another level, fails.

Warnings: Angst, Insecurities, Dean’s self deprecation rears it’s ugly head, Mark being an ass, Fighting, Making up, Smut: Handjob, Vaginal Fingering, Protected sex, Premature Ejaculation, Female Masturbation. 18+ ONLY. Fluff, Dean being sweet (yes, that’s a warning)

Music: Good Love by Briana Buckmaster, Love Is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar (Y/N and Charlie getting ready scene), Take My Breath Away by Berlin (Y/N and Mark making up scene).

Life’s Lessons Spotify Playlist

A/N: Thank you for your wonderful comments and words of support! It means more to me than I’ll ever be able to properly express! I really hope you enjoy the rest of this journey as we move forward! Happy reading and enjoy! :)

Life’s Lessons Masterlist

Dividers by the wonderful @firefly-graphics! Check her out for all your AU needs!!!

Friday brought not only Y/N’s birthday dinner later that night, but a full school day and Ben’s last day. Y/N stood to the side as she watched him hug all of his friends’ goodbye at the end of the day, her heart breaking a little as she saw a few of them wipe tears away. There were promises of visits in the future, catching up online and even playing video games. It was always hard to leave your school friends behind, and Y/N thought about how it wasn’t much different than when she left her home to come to Lawrence.

She smiled as she saw Ben walk over to her, a small gift in his hand. She smiled at him as she opened it, “World’s Best Teacher” printed in black letters on a white mug.

“I love it” she told him.

“Thanks for everything” he said, smiling.

“You’re so welcome. I know you’re going to do great” she smiled, lifting her hand. He high fived her. He picked up his bag and walked towards his mom’s car, Lisa leaning against it. As Ben said one last goodbye, Y/N took a deep, nervous breath as she saw Lisa walking towards her.

“Lisa.” She nodded as she steeled herself.

“I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for Ben” Lisa said, a small smile on her face.

“Well, he’s a good kid and I’m sure he’s going to do really well for the rest of 8th grade and into high school” Y/N said, a small smile on her face too.

Lisa nodded, looking like she wanted to say something else. “I just… I want to apologize. If I’ve ever been awful to you-” she said, but Y/N cut her off.

“It’s forgotten” Y/N said, simply. She wanted to let everything be in the past now that Lisa was starting over in her old hometown.

Lisa nodded, as she looked at Y/N. “He needs someone like you.”

Y/N blinked a couple of times, shaking her head. “I don’t-” Lisa smiled, causing her to stop what she was saying.

“Someone who’ll love him for exactly who he is and won’t try to change him into something he’s not” she explained, shaking her head.

They looked at each other for a few moments, before Lisa offered up her hand. Y/N took it, shaking it before letting go.

“Take care of yourself, Y/N” she said, as stepped back a couple of steps.

“You too” Y/N said, giving a nod as she watched Lisa turn and walk away.

She watched as she and Ben got into their car, and pulled away from the curb, driving away. Y/N hadn’t been expecting any kind of apology from Lisa, but at least it meant there was no ill will, and everyone could move on with a peaceful mind.

Y/N looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, as she pinned her hair back on the sides slightly, to be out of the way while she did her make-up. Charlie was next to her, using Y/N’s hair curler to fix her hair. Y/N’s “Badass Women” playlist was on in the background, Pat Benatar among others helping them to get ready for the night. She laughed as she watched Charlie trying to re-enact the moves from Love Is a Battlefield. Cas and Meg would pick them up soon to drive into the city for her birthday dinner.

“Dorothy’s coming to dinner straight from work. I’m really happy you’ll finally get to meet” Charlie smiled.

Y/N smiled too. “Me too. I’m excited to hear what she’s been up to in Chicago. What she can talk about, at least.”

Y/N went back to getting ready. She did her make-up, lighter this time than when the girls went out together; the night she met Mark. She put on her foundation, did a very light pink eye-shadow and winged liner, and a pink lip. She smoothed down her high-neck, long-sleeve top and made sure it was tucked into her leather mini-skirt properly. She went to her bed and sat down, lifting her leg to put on her black over-the-knee heeled boots, over her thigh-high stockings which disappeared under her skirt.

Charlie had just finished getting ready in a blue dress and brown boots, when they heard a car horn sound a few times. Y/N put on her silver dangly earrings, and then put on her long fawn coat. She picked up her small black bag as Charlie walked out first, and locked up her house. She and Charlie sat in the back of Cas’s car as he drove them into the city, through the drizzling rain.

Once they got to the restaurant and sat down, they all relaxed a little, thankful they made it in time. Dorothy arrived just as they sat down, coming in straight from work. As their first round of drinks came, Y/N frowned and looked down at her phone. Mark hadn’t called to say he was running late, which led her to conclude he was still working.

“Y/N, any word from Mark?” Meg asked, slightly concerned.

Y/N tapped her phone and didn’t see any notifications, as she shook her head. “No. He must be running late at work. He said he’d leave early, though.”

“It’s pretty bad out there, I made it here just in time before it started coming down” Dorothy said, looking outside the window at the rain.

“Well, hopefully he’ll be here soon” Charlie assured her, rubbing her hand up and down Y/N’s arm.

“Yeah” Y/N frowned, pressing the phone to her ear as she tried his number again.

Another thirty minutes passed with no word. She had called him and left a message when he didn’t pick up, plus sent him a few texts. She was about to give up and start thinking the worst, when Mark walked through the door, weaving around the tables with an umbrella and a bouquet of roses in one hand, and a small wrapped box in the other. Y/N got up with a smile and met him halfway, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. Her heeled boots made her only an inch or two shorter than him. He was unfortunately still in his suit from work, but at least he looked good.

“These are because I’m late” Mark said, handing her the flowers. “This is because I adore you” he kissed her forehead, then handed her the gift. “And this is for your birthday.”

“Thank you.” She pecked his lips quickly before they came back to the table and sat down. She decided to ignore the fact that he got her roses, which she didn’t like. He didn’t know that yet and she didn’t want to hurt him by saying anything in that moment. Mark sat down on the other side of her, next to Meg. He quickly ordered a scotch and soda when a waiter walked by, before turning to the group.

“Well, it’s good to see everybody” Mark smiled, his arm automatically going around the back of Y/N’s chair, his hand caressing her arm.

Y/N opened her gift from Mark and gasped. It was a beautiful silver bracelet. “Oh Mark, it’s beautiful! Thank you!” she leaned in and kissed him, softly.

“I’m glad you like it” he smiled as he looked at her, fondly.

“I really do, but I said no presents.” She shook her head at him, opening the clasp of the bracelet. He took it from her as she offered her wrist. He put it around and closed the clasp.

He leaned in, his lips close to her ear, in a hushed tone. “Well, that’s what a boyfriend does.”

She looked up at him, smiling tentatively. “Boyfriend, huh?”

They hadn’t labelled anything yet and it still felt too soon, but maybe they were at that point and she just hadn’t realized.

“Yeah” Mark said, simply.

After a round of drinks, they ordered dinner. They mostly talked about work as Dorothy filled them in what she could talk about from an assignment in Chicago. Meg told some tales of the hospital, skipping the details as they were eating. Mark spoke of the ad agency and their latest campaign, and Y/N, Charlie and Cas told them how school was going. Once dinner was done and cleared, no one really felt like leaving.

“Should we head to a bar?” Charlie suggested.

“Yes, definitely” Mark laughed. “Y/N?”

Y/N thought about it for a second before smiling. “Fuck it, it’s my birthday weekend! Why the hell not?”

Cas laughed as she linked her arm with Meg’s. “We need to get her out of the school setting more often.”

Charlie nodded as she agreed with them, following behind everyone as they searched for a bar that had space for them.

They found a place that was playing good music and sat down in one of the quieter corners, that had leather couches and throw pillows. They all spread out on the three couches, but Cas got up to order them drinks. While he was at the bar, Y/N looked around, her head bopping to the music as she looked around the place. She liked the vibe, a very whiskey lounge feel, but with framed movie posters on the exposed brick wall and more than whiskey on the drinks menu.

As Y/N looked around, her eyes drifted over the bar in the centre of the room, with bar stools all around. On the far end, she noticed two men laughing about something. As one of them paid for their drinks, the other got up from his seat and put on his leather jacket. Her eyes widened as she noticed it was none other than Dean.

Dean looked around the bar as Sam paid for their drinks. This time. He had met him after work for a drink, something they did as often as they could on Friday’s, when Sam wasn’t too busy with case after case. He shrugged on his leather jacket, ready to head home and kick back with another beer and watch something on TV. He looked around the room, his eyes nearly falling out of their sockets as she saw Y/N looking back at him. What was she doing here?

“You okay, Dean?” Sam asked, having finished paying. He followed his brother’s line of sight and frowned. “Who is that?”

“Um… my-my neighbor, Y/N” Dean stuttered as he replied. He saw Y/N look away, distracting herself with conversation. Cas was there, so was Meg, Charlie, Dorothy and of course, Mark.

“You should go say hi” Sam said, jerking his head in that direction. “She knows Cas?” Sam asked, as he spotted their friend, as he put on his black coat over his charcoal suit.

“Yeah, she’s a teacher at the school” Dean said, looking at his brother.

Sam looked at Dean, narrowing his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing” Dean replied, too quickly as he glared at Sam.

“You’re such a liar” Sam chuckled. “Man, if I didn’t have to pick up food for dinner and get home before Eileen, I’d stay and get the full story.”

“Well, you better go before she gets back from work” Dean said, practically shoving Sam before he decided to stay.

“You should go over there, stay” Sam smiled, knowingly. “I want the full story soon, alright?”

“Would you just get, please?” Dean said, gesturing to the door.

Sam laughed as he shook his head, waving at Cas as he had looked up and had noticed them now. Sam quickly left, opening his umbrella as he walked down the path.

Cas waved Dean over, causing him to inwardly cringe. He really didn’t want to go over there but he knew he needed to. Were his friends swearing allegiance to Mark now? He needed to know more. He quickly ordered a whiskey, having stuck to beer with Sam knowing he had to drive back, but knowing he needed something stronger now. He walked over, watching Y/N shift on the couch, closer to Mark, who sat up a little, reaching his hand over.

“Good to see you again, man” he said, offering his hand.

Dean quickly shook it, making sure to let go quickly. “Yeah. So, what’s going on here?” He asked, looking at everyone before his eyes landed on Y/N.

“It’s my birthday dinner” she replied, smiling softly.

“Oh” Dean nodded, a small smile on his face. “Happy Birthday, Y/N.”

Y/N smiled in return. “Thanks. It’s actually on Sunday, but this one” she said, as she looked over at Charlie. “Had the genius idea that we should do dinner and drinks tonight.”

Dean sat down next to Cas.

“Yeah, she’s pretty smart alright” Dorothy laughed, looking at her girlfriend. Charlie rolled her eyes with laugh and gave her a quick kiss. Dean’s whiskey arrived at the table, and Mark sat forward.

“Alright” Mark got everyone’s attention as he picked up his drink and held it up for a toast. “Happy Birthday to Y/N, who’s about to be 28 years young.”

“Happy Birthday Y/N!” everyone called out as they raised their drinks, clinking their glasses together.

Y/N smiled as Mark leaned over and kissed her, softly. When she pulled away, she saw Dean looking at her and felt her heart sink. She hoped that she wasn’t flaunting her new relationship in his face, beginning to feel like crap, like she might be doing exactly that.

Dean hadn’t realized that��s how old Y/N was. He could see that she was younger than him, but by 7 years? He hadn’t thought it would be that much of a gap. What the hell was she doing kissing him, a guy so much older than her, when she could be with anyone her age? And she was. Or least Mark didn’t look much older than her, maybe a year or two. Dean scowled. She was really better off without him.

There was mostly small talk of the latest Marvel movie that had come out, and then how they hoped the Kansas City Chiefs would fair this season. Dean and Y/N’s eyes kept meeting during conversation amongst everyone, and they’d quickly look away at something else, trying not to bring attention to themselves. Dean felt his blood boiling as he saw Mark wrap his arm around her and them smiling at each other. At one point, as Dean thought he was discreetly looking at her, he caught Mark’s eye and knew that he had been caught. He gulped as he sipped his drink, hoping to a higher power that didn’t come back to bite him in the ass.

There was another round of drinks where they somehow got onto the topic of dream holidays. Dean felt like he couldn’t contribute to that considering the farthest place he had ever been was still within the U.S. He knew that he should’ve left a while ago, but somehow someone would keep the conversation going, and it was hard to find an exit point.

After that, they got back onto the topic of jobs when Mark realized he didn’t know anything about Dean. Y/N frowned when she noticed Mark sway a little as he sat up, knowing he had drunk too much and hoping he’d stop now.

“So, Dean” Mark sat forward, his arms leaning on his knees. “What do you do? I don’t even know.”

“I’m uh, I’m mechanic” Dean cleared his throat against the roughness from the alcohol. “It’s our family business. My grandmother was a teenager when her mother started it during WWII. Then my dad grew up there and started working there. Then me.”

“Wow” Mark nodded, but he scoffed a little. “Really?”

Dean eyebrows furrowed, wondering why he’d be confused by that. “Yeah.”

Mark hummed as he raised his eyebrows, taking a sip of his drink. “Didn’t you want to do more with your life?”

The silence that fell around their little corner was deafening. You could hear a pin drop despite low hum of other patrons in the bar and the music, and you could cut the tension with a chainsaw; the sound of it would’ve been welcomed at that point.

“Mark” Y/N hissed as she glared at him. She could feel the anger rising within her.

Dean gave him a tight smirk, jaw clenched as he looked down at the amber liquid in his glass. He looked up at Mark and pinned him with an unreadable expression. “And what’s that supposed to mean, exactly?”

Well, I just mean it’s kind of a limiting job, isn’t it?” Mark shrugged. “I know-” Mark started again but Y/N cut him off.

“Mark” she said, through gritted teeth. “That’s enough.”

Mark looked at her and his face fell. He quickly realized his mistake.

“Well, I’m pretty sure there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the path Dean’s taken” Charlie chimed in, glaring at Mark.

Dean looked at her with a small smile. He winked at her and then looked back down at his glass, downing the last of it like a shot.

“You don’t know me, Mark. I don’t give a fuck what you think about my life” Dean said, getting up from the couch. “I’m getting another drink.”

“I’ll come with you” Cas said, joining him as they both walked away.

Dorothy excused herself to the restroom, as Meg and Charlie and started whispering amongst themselves. No doubt talking about what just happened.

Y/N turned to Mark, absolutely fuming at this point. “How could you say something like that?”

Mark had realized that got a worse reaction than he thought and turned to her with apologetic eyes. “I didn’t mean for it to sound so bad.”

“If you knew him, you’d know how hard he’s worked to get where he is. You’d know that he has all of these amazing plans to expand and build the business even further” Y/N told him, defending Dean and his passion for what he does. His love for what he does.

Mark looked at her, a confused look on his face. “He’s told you all that? When?”

“It doesn’t matter when” she sneered. “He did tell me, yeah. He’s a good man and he doesn’t deserve what you just said to him.”

He rubbed his face, written with worry and guilt. “Fuck.”

“I think you better go over there and apologize” she said, still glaring at him.

He nodded but took her hand in his. “I’m sorry” he whispered, looking at her. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

She sighed and closed her eyes, her anger coming down to a simmer. “We’ll talk about it later.”

Mark nodded, looking like a kicked puppy. He picked up his drink and got up from the table, walking towards the bar where Dean and Cas had gone.

Charlie turned in her seat as Y/N turned to her friends.

“You okay?” she asked, rubbing her hand up and down Y/N’s arm.

“Yeah” she sighed, as she lifted her hand patted hers. “I just can’t believe he said that.”

“He’s had a bit to drink, maybe he can’t hold his tongue quite as well as others” Meg shrugged.

“Yeah, maybe” Y/N muttered, shaking her head as she looked down at the table.

Dean waited for the bartender to bring him a neat double of whiskey, as Cas stood beside him. He wasn’t ordering another as he still had to drive the girls back home.

“You alright, man?” he asked, patting Dean’s back.

“Yeah” Dean nodded. “He just doesn’t give me a good vibe, that’s all.”

Cas looked at his friend. Dean was almost never wrong about the vibes he’d get from people. He tapped Dean on the back as he saw Mark walk over. Dean turned around, sighing heavily as he saw him. Cas patted him on the back before he walked away, when he saw Meg waving at him to come back.

Dean really didn’t want to see him right now, but he also knew that Y/N probably had something to do with this, so he would have to. For her sake.

“Listen, Dean… I am so sorry, man. I didn’t mean to be such a jerk, I-I feel like crap” Mark apologized, looking scared.

As much as Dean wanted to take him because he was bigger than Mark and absolutely could, he wouldn’t do that to Y/N.

“We’re good” Dean nodded.

Mark sighed in relief. “Great.” He was about to walk away when Dean stopped him.

“Can I give you some advice?” Dean asked, jaw clenched as his gravelly voice was eerily calm.

“Sure.” Mark gave a small nod to continue.

“You can say whatever you want about me, I don’t give a shit.” Dean pinned him with a glare. “But you better make it up to her.” Dean looked over at Y/N. She was trying to smile as the girls were most likely distracting her, but it wasn’t reaching her eyes.

“Yeah” Mark sighed. “I think I’m in the doghouse.”

“Well, you did just ruin her night, so I’m pretty sure that’s not uncalled for” Dean sneered.

Mark shook his head, squinting at Dean but he didn’t say anything.

“Just…” Dean said, trailing off as he continued to look at Y/N. He turned to Mark and knew that despite his doubts, he had to trust that this guy would be good to her. “Take care of her. Okay?”

Dean drank the last drop of his drink and didn’t wait for Mark to say anything. He left his glass on the mahogany surface of the bar as he walked away. He heard Mark walking behind him, and once Dean turned, he saw Y/N hug him.

“Alright, we’re going to head out” Cas said, wrapping his arm around Meg. They both hugged Y/N as did Charlie and Dorothy, who were going with them.

“See you tomorrow night” Charlie told her. Y/N, Charlie and Meg had planned a girls’ night in, wanting to wake up on Sunday for Y/N’s birthday.

“Can’t wait” Y/N smiled, as she squished her friend in a hug.

She pulled away, seeing Dean put on his leather jacket. Dean looked at her, offering a small smile.

“Bye” he said, quietly to her.

“Bye.” Y/N had only just managed to get that out as he walked away towards the exit.

“Are you going to be okay to drive?” Cas asked Dean. Dean knew that it was more than just about driving home, though.

“Yeah, didn’t have a lot with Sam. I’m good” Dean nodded.

“Okay” Cas said, as they hugged, tapping Dean on the back a few times and pulled away.

Everyone went their separate ways with promises to catch up soon.

As Dean drove home, he thought about what had happened at the bar. He loved what he did for a living and he was proud of what he had achieved. It just pissed him off that Mark assumed he knew his life. He really gave off a weird vibe and he really hoped that Y/N would be safe with him. She had already been with one asshole. She didn’t need another.

Y/N walked into Mark’s apartment, dropping her bag on the kitchen bench along with her flowers, and hanging her coat on one of the high stools at the kitchen bench. She looked around the studio apartment, with its big windows that gave a great view of the city around them, clean industrial lines and steel applications in the kitchen. She turned to face him with a look of sadness mixed with raging anger. He shut the door and turned to her, still sporting that kicked puppy look, as he took off his suit jacket and hung it over the back of another kitchen bench stool.

“I’m so sorry I ruined your night, baby” he bemoaned, standing in front of her now. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Just promise me that you’ll never talk to people like that again” she said, firmly. “I mean it, Mark.”

“I promise, honey. I do. I really do” he stammered, trying to reach out for her hand.

“I really do mean it, Mark. I hate seeing people being put down for the things that make them happy. I won’t stand for it” she repeated her meaning, sternly.

“I promise, Y/N. I swear it” he pleaded, his hand still out.

She eyed him, really looking at him to see if he was telling the truth. He seemed genuine enough even though there was still a bit of doubt in her mind, but she had to take a chance.

She offered her hand, smiling slightly. “Okay.”

He took her hand in his and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. Her smile got a little bigger at that, as he pulled her in.

“Let me make it up to you now” he said, taking out his phone. He pressed a few things and suddenly music started to play within the apartment.

“You’re cheesy as hell, Mark Jenkins” she snorted. He was far too charming and managed to somehow get her out of her mood, which she was grateful for, as he tried to salvage this night for her.

“Oh, you love it, Y/N Y/L/N” he smirked, as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer.

Watching every motion

In my foolish lover’s game

On this endless ocean

Finally lovers know no shame

Turning and returning

To some secret place inside

Watching in slow motion

As you turn around and say

Take my breath away

Y/N wrapped her arms around Mark’s neck, pushing herself closer to him as they kissed, heatedly. Soon, all of their clothes were being thrown off and around the room as they kissed. She reached out and took his length in her hand, stroking him as he leaned down and nipped at her breasts through her light blue, lacy bra. His hand came down and rubbed the outside of her matching panties, and she felt herself growing wetter as he continued to touch her.

“Fuck, that feels good” Mark groaned, as her hand continued to pump him, her wrist twisting every time it moved up over the head. It prompted him to hook his fingers in her panties and move them to one side of her inner thigh. He rubbed his fingers against her pussy, feeling how wet and warm she was. His thumb circled her clit as two of his fingers slipped inside her, moving in and out, causing her to throw her head back.

“Mark” she moaned as she looked up at him.

Mark lifted her up and carried her across the large studio apartment, gently dropping her on the bed. He reached for her thigh high stockings and pulled them off one at a time, before pulling her panties down her legs and throwing them over his shoulder. She pushed herself back to rest her head on the pillow, as Mark opened the drawer of his nightstand, taking out a foil packet. Y/N gulped, slightly nervous as she remembered how things went the last time they got to this stage. She pushed the thoughts away, as Mark opened the packet and rolled the condom onto his hard length.

Mark held himself up on his hands, as Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck. He leaned down and kissed her, as he guided his shaft to her entrance. He pushed into her slowly, until he was buried inside her. She sighed at the feeling of him, looking up at him with hooded eyes. He pulled back slowly, before pushing in again. Her hips met his, signalling to speed up. He began thrusting a little faster, causing her to moan. His eyes fluttered closed as he continued to move inside her.

“That good?” he asked, biting his lip.

“Yeah” she moaned. “Keep going.”

“Fuck, you feel so good, baby” he groaned, as his thrusts started to become faster.

Y/N frowned a little, as she looked down to see him moving faster.

“Mark, wait-” she said, but was cut off by his loud grunt.

“Fuck! I’m gonna cum!” he called out, his hips bucking into hers.

He thrust into her one last time and groaned again, as his release filled the condom. His eyes were still closed as he rolled off her and onto the bed, breathing heavily. Y/N eyed him with wide eyes, not being able to believe what just happened. He came. After 10 seconds.

“That was amazing” he muttered, a grin on his face.

Maybe for you she thought to herself.

Mark opened his eyes and took the condom off. He threw it in the trashcan next to the nightstand and cleaned himself with tissues. He turned back to her with the same grin, leaning his head on his hand.

“You came, right?” he asked, his other hand running up her body, cupping her breast over her bra.

She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings and say “no, because you finished before we even really started”. Did he really think she had? If he had to ask, that means she didn’t. Clearly he didn’t know that.

She smiled up at him. “Yeah.”

“Good” he smiled, as he leaned in and pecked her lips.

Mark got up from the bed and she watched his naked form walk into the kitchen to get some water. She felt horrible for lying, but she wasn’t going to hurt his feelings and bring it up just after sex. Well, lack of sex for her. She sat up on the bed and found her panties on the floor. She picked them up and put them back on, and then put on her thigh high stockings. She got up and started searching around for her clothes. Mark watched her and raised an eyebrow as she started getting dressed.

“You’re leaving already?” he asked.

She fixed her skirt into place, as she tucked her shirt back in. She looked back at him and smiled. “Yeah. I should really go. The girls coming over tomorrow, and I want to clean the house before they do.”

“Okay.” He nodded, slightly disappointed. “I’ll call you Sunday” he promised.

“Looking forward to it” she whispered against his lips.

She pecked him once again and moved away. She slipped her boots back on and walked over to the bar stool to pick up her things.

With one last look at Mark, she blew him a kiss and then walked out of the apartment. In the Uber back home, as she stared down at the roses in her lap, she lamented to herself about how familiar the disappointment she was feeling in that moment was to the last time she and Mark tried to sleep together. Before he couldn’t keep it up, and now he couldn’t last a little longer. She thought about how maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe he was tried from work, but it didn’t seem like he was. Maybe if they tried again, he would be fine. She shook her head as she lifted it to stare out the window, rain droplets rolling down the surface.

Maybe it was her fault. Her past insecurities started to circle around her mind, as she came to the conclusion that maybe he wasn’t attracted to her. He kissed her like he was and touched her like he was, but maybe when it came down to sex, she just didn’t cut it. If he couldn’t keep an erection and now, he couldn’t hold back his release for a little longer, then maybe he was trying to rush everything because he couldn’t stand to be near her.

She really hoped that wasn’t it and it was just the evils of her past emotional abuse popping up again to play mind tricks with her.

Later that night, she was in bed and staring up at the ceiling. Having been left completely unsatisfied with her sexual encounter, she was now incredibly frustrated. A thought came to her as she turned on her side and opened her bottom drawer. She reached in and took out the item she was looking for, placing in on the bed next to her as she turned onto her back. She closed her eyes, as her hand moved down to her breast, her nipples straining against the fabric of her oversized sleep shirt. She rolled the nub between her thumb and forefinger, biting her lip as she began to feel her walls clench from what she was feeling. Her hand moved down under the covers and pulled the bottom of her sleep shirt up. She began to rub her fingers over her panties, feeling her arousal begin to wet the fabric.

Her mind conjured up images of her boyfriend, images that morphed into fantasies of them ripping each other’s clothes off, as his hips moved against hers, her head falling back against the pillows. She quickly moved her panties down her legs, kicking them off her feet as her hand reached for the pink stimulator. Turning it onto the first setting, she held the mouth of it to the bundle of nerves, instantly feeling the vibration run through her body.

She moaned loudly; knowing that no one would hear her in her own house was freeing, allowing her to be as responsive to her own pleasure as she wanted. She felt the wetness between her legs grow. The image of them locked in passion suddenly changed. Instead of Mark, she was seeing Dean on top of her. He looked so goddamn gorgeous and he was making noises come out of her that she wished he could do in real life. Her moans became louder. The vibrations continued to stimulate her clit, bringing her closer to her release.

“Dean!” The loud cry of his name left her lips, as the coil snapped and she came, her arousal slicking her inner thighs.

She smiled as the dream faded and her eyes opened, her breathing deep and heavy as she came down from her high.

As Y/N stared up at the ceiling, her breath settled back into a steady beat. The clouds of sexual fantasies in her mind cleared. However, as they did, nothing had changed. She could still see his beautiful face smiling at her, still feel his muscles against her hands. Like it had all been real.

She found herself wishing that it was, and not feeling guilty at all that it wasn’t her boyfriend she had been thinking of.

The next morning, Dean stood outside on his porch, waiting as Lisa and Ben picked a few last-minute things from the house. When Ben walked out, Dean gave him a small smile, but the kid could barely look at him, glancing away as he walked down the porch stairs. It was killing Dean to know how unhappy Ben was, but at the end of the day, the kid would’ve suffered if he and Lisa had stayed together. Dean wished he had realized that sooner, but at least Ben was still a little young to understand adult problems.

Lisa walked out of the house and down to the car, putting some things in the trunk and making sure the trailer was secure. Dean walked up to Ben, putting his hand on his shoulder.

“You take care of your mom, okay?” Dean asked, as Ben looked up at him.

He gave a little eye roll but nodded. “Yeah.”

“Here.” Dean took out an envelope from the back pocket of his jeans and handed it over to Ben. “This is for you, use it for whatever games you wanna buy, okay?”

Ben’s eyes widened as he opened the envelope. “I can’t-”

“You can, just don’t tell your mom until you have to” Dean winked at him and helped Ben stash it in his backpack. Once he dropped his bag in the car, Ben launched himself at Dean, hugging him.

“Make good choices” Dean said as he hugged him.

“I will” Ben nodded.

He pulled away and looked up at Dean one last time. Dean never thought he would ever even feel like a father figure let alone a father, but with Ben he got to experience it for a few years. He was going to miss this kid grow up but he knew that he made the right decision. For everyone.

Ben sat in the car and waited for his mother. Lisa walked over to Dean, her hands in her back pockets.

“All set?” he asked, as if she was just an acquaintance, and not someone he had spent the last 3 years with. That’s how it felt now.

“Yeah” she said, quietly. “Dean, I’m so, so sorry.”

This was about the hundredth apology he had gotten from her since the night they called it quits. He knew she felt bad and so did he by the end of it after what happened with Y/N, but the time for apologies was done. It was time to move on.

“It’s okay.” Dean leaned forward, and for one last time, he planted a kiss on her head. “Take care of yourself, Lisa.”

“You too, Dean” she said, her eyes looking misty as she looked up at him.

Dean watched as they drove away, feeling lighter than he ever had in 3 years. It dawned on him that he was alone now. It scared him but maybe he needed some time before he found himself in another relationship. Maybe that’s what Y/N was doing with Mark, too.

They would find their way to each other. They both just needed a little time.

Dean picked up his keys from inside and got into the Impala, driving into the main town square. It was Y/N’s birthday tomorrow and he needed to pick up something specific for her. He just hoped he could find it.

Y/N wiggled her fingers as she admired the fresh, dark lavender nail polish on her nails. The girls had come over to stay the night for her birthday the next day, and Charlie had insisted on doing her nails. They all sat at the dining table, an extensive range of polishes in front of them.

“Are we good with ordering Chinese tonight?” Y/N asked, in between blowing on her nails.

“Definitely” Charlie replied, a look of pure concentration on her face as she painted Y/N’s nails.

“Absolutely” Meg replied too, as she painted her own in black nail polish.

“Awesome.” Y/N shifted in her seat to move her other hand in front of Charlie.

“So, how was last night?” Meg asked. “Did everything go okay after we left?”

“Yeah, we talked. He apologized, I told him he couldn’t say stuff like that again. He was pretty remorseful, and I know he had drunk a lot, so I forgave him. I know he won’t do it again” she replied, a little too confidently.

Meg frowned, slightly as she looked between Y/N and her nails. “I sure hope so.”

“He won’t, Meg” Y/N promised.

“He better not” Charlie said, her tone quite angry.

Y/N sighed and looked at her redheaded friend. “How’s Dean?”

“He’s fine, really. He never lets this kind of stuff get to him” Charlie replied, looking up at Y/N from her nails. “I just don’t get a good vibe from Mark.”

“What?” Y/N asked, confused as she shook her head.

Meg and Charlie looked at each other, and Meg shrugged. Charlie looked at Y/N. “Are you sure he’s a good guy? Like… actually good? Not just putting on a show to impress everyone?”

Y/N bit her lip, not knowing to respond. She had started having her doubts after the incident last night, and knowing her friends were feeling the same didn’t bode well.

Meg looked at her and decided that they needed to steer away from this. It was best for Y/N to make her own mind up about this.

“So, after that…” Meg changed the subject with a smirk on her face. “Did… anything fun happen?”

Y/N gulped, her eyes shifting back and forth as she tried to come up with something to say. “Um… yeah. I mean, we-we um-”

“You what? Spit it out, Y/N” she said, her smirk getting wider.

“Did you guys do it?” Charlie asked, curiously.

Y/N huffed a laugh. “Yes.”

“And?” Meg asked, confused.

“And…” Y/N started, watching her friends listening intently. “He came. After ten seconds.”

Both Charlie and Meg’s eyes were blown wide as their mouths fell open.

“Ten seconds?” Meg asked, still shocked.

“Give or take” Y/N replied.

“Y/N…” Meg shook her head, not knowing what to say.

“He was probably just tired from work or he drank too much at the bar. I can’t base what he’s like in bed on this experience” Y/N explained, looking between her friends.

“Yeah, don’t look at me for this one. Sorry” Charlie stated, putting her hands up, as she got up to get herself a drink from the fridge.

“No, you definitely can’t. You just have to try again, when you know he won’t be so tired, and he hasn’t had so much to drink” Meg said, completely straightforward.

Y/N sighed in relief. “So… this is happened with you before?”

Meg smirked a little. “Well, not with Cas, but with other guys before him… yeah. Once or twice.”

“Okay” Y/N nodded. “This has never been an issue with anyone. I mean, bad sex in general, yeah… but never this.”

“Yeah, it can pretty awkward” Meg agreed. She frowned when it looked like Y/N was holding something back. “What?”

“We tried once before… last week and… he couldn’t keep it up” Y/N said, frowning.

“Fuck” was all Meg could say.

Y/N laughed bitterly, shaking her head. “Yeah.”

“Okay… I’m gonna be really honest here” Meg said, turning to Y/N. “You need to make sure this is genuine. Not just that you want this, but he wants this, too. If he’s serious about you, then you guys can talk about it and try again and put in the work.”

“You’re right” Y/N nodded, a new determination in her.

As the girls carried on with their girls’ night in, ordering Chinese food and watching their favorite rom-coms, Y/N felt better with what happened with Mark. Talking to Meg had cleared her of any insecurities she had when she was coming home after it happened. She had a feeling that things would be okay if they talked and tried again.

“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, dear Y/N! Happy Birthday to you!” Meg and Charlie sang at the top of their lungs as they burst into her room the next morning.

Y/N groaned but laughed as she woke up, sitting up in bed as she rubbed her eyes. The girls dragged her out of bed as she grabbed her fluffy robe and walked out to the living area with them. They had birthday cupcakes for her, which Charlie revealed she went and got from her place after buying them the previous day. There were some balloons and confetti on the table, and also coffee to go with their cupcakes.

“I love you both so much” she said, hugging them before they all sat down and enjoyed the little desserts for breakfast.

They had a great time continuing to chat about anything and everything. Y/N smiled as she realized how lucky she was to have these amazing women in her life. They had both helped her through a lot, some of it from her past with Ethan, and some of it from her present with Dean and now Mark. She missed her family, but she was beginning to feel like she had one in Lawrence, too.

Once the girls left after insisting on cleaning up their mess, Y/N got phone calls from her parents, her sister and brother-in-law and the kids, Katie and lastly, Mark. She was feeling the love from everyone and she couldn’t believe how happy she was. This time last year was a challenging time for her, getting over her break-up and going to therapy. Now she was in the best place she had ever been. There still some hurdles to face, but she knew those would work out the way they needed to.

As the sun began to set on her birthday, Y/N sat down and relaxed, saving her task of grading papers for her free period and lunch at school the next day. Just as she sat down to enjoy Chinese take-out leftovers and a FRIENDS re-run marathon, her phone chimed with a message. She picked up her phone and looked at the screen. Her eyes widened and her heart began to beat rapidly as she saw who it was from.

Dean: Happy Birthday, Y/N. Check your front door. You can make your dad jealous now ;)

Y/N frowned, shaking her head with confusion. She got up and walked over to the door. When she opened it, she looked around to see no one outside. Shaking her head, she was about to close the door when something on her doormat caught her eye. A large flat square badly wrapped in silver wrapping laid on the mat. She picked it up and walked back into the house, closing the door. She frantically unwrapped the gift, desperate to see what it was. She gasped as she stared down at the gift. She smiled as her eyes glistened.

It was a record. The Led Zeppelin II record she told him she still didn’t have, when she was at his house for dinner. He remembered something she just mentioned, just in conversation. He actually remembered.

She hugged the record close to her chest. She shook her head as she thought about him, and the thoughtfulness of this gift. He knew she loved the band, almost as much as he did, and he went out of his way to get her this.

How the hell was she supposed to move from him if he did things like this for her?

-x-

Tags: @flamencodiva @deanwanddamons @winchest09 @katehuntington @akshi8278 @hobby27 @michellethetvaddict @spngirl05 @kyjey @halesandy @440mxs-wife @stoneyggirl @deanswaywardgirl @wonder-cole @that-one-gay-girl @redbarn1995 @marianita195 @babypink224221 @deans-baby-momma @parinarain @thoughts-and-funnies @mandalou29 @castiels-a-winchester @ellewritesfix05 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @supraveng @roonyxx @supernatural-love14 @vicmc624 @prettyboyswow

#Life's Lessons #Dean x Female!Reader #Dean x Female!Reader Series #Dean x Female!Reader Fanfiction #Female!Reader Insert #Mechanic!Dean #Teacher!Reader #Dean x Reader Fanfiction #Dean Winchester Series #Dean Winchester Fanfiction #Dean Winchester Fanfic #Supernatural Fanfiction

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gwynpool · 3 years

Text

it’s 2AM and i just finished Rule of Wolves (spoilers definitely up ahead)

first, to inform everyone, i read the spoilers when it got leaked in twitter cuz i can’t help myself. (it’s a sickness, i know) i think this is important since it definitely influenced my perspective upon reading the book. also, this is my first time being early in a party so yay me! going in ROW was easy for me because i started King of Scars the day before book 2’s actual release date so everything’s fresh.

secondly, this is really long so i’m sorry. i just have a lot of feelings and need to write it all down. on with the rant.

King of Scars was wonderful to me since it gave me my favorite Shadow and Bone character and the girl who i used to hate for being a mean girl but who I now admire with every ounce of my being. It also introduced a new ship that I am now obsessed with and is ruling besides my love for Jude&Cardan. Not to mention, it gave us Nina, whom though i’m not entirely a fan of due to all my love focusing on Kaz and Inej, allowed the connection between Shadow&Bone with SixofCrows.

Moving on, ROW was a ride and whirlwind of emotions. unfortunately, it wasn’t always the best kind.

I love the fantasy elements of it (tho it was a huge leap especially with the saints power thingy) and the politics because i am a sucker for scheming and stealing thrones.

the zoyalai teasing and angst was painful but in the best way since slowburn is what keeps me going.

nina finding comfort (and attraction, apparently) from hanne made my heart flutter because i haven’t gotten over matthias but this allowed a sort of closure and next chapter for our waffle-loving queen.

the promised wedding by leigh wasn’t what i expected but i’m not complaining since david&genya deserved nothing but happiness.

almost everything seems going well (aside from the fact that aleksander was ressurected apparently)and then everything crashes and burns and i just have to wonder why?

so the promised funeral alongside the wedding one, immediately comes after two? three? chapters as they were attacked during the afterparty of the wedding. and guess what? leigh killed the fcking groom.

the thing is i already knew he was going to die (with the spoilers and all) but i did not expect it to come immediately after the freaking wedding. not even halfway through the book!

being spoiled, i think, took most of the pain from the event but it doesn’t lessen the fact that it was completely unnecessary??? like though the characters grieved, nothing much was affected from his death? also, don’t talk to me about the character development for the survivors from this tragic event because there. was. absolutely. NONE.

and then we have the fricking darling ressurected. i love him in the first book of the grishaverse though i knew he was still a villain, don’t get me wrong. and my heart ached but was also relieved with his death in the third. he also inspired one of my all-time favorite fantasy villain(antihero?) in the form of Adelina Amouteru in the Young Elites series.

Ceased to be a Darklina fan and am now shipping Aleksander with Adelina because their power tho? like clings to like and they are both imbued with unfathomable darkness. somebody write fics please.

but bringing him back was what for exactly? leigh bardugo preached on how toxic the darkling character was and how we really shouldn’t like him in terms of agreeing with his ideals and yada yada. and yet she brings him back because apparently, he’s the only one paying her bills.

his conversation with alina tho had me expecting some darklina crumbs with fan service on the side since the stans were all raving about it on twitter *vomiting noises from toxicity* but i was surprised since it just further reminded us of how he truly is a villain in his very core and would do anything to get what he wants. so all in all it wasn’t entirely awful and it actually made me like Mal a bit. (never was a fan of him but that’s my issue, not the character’s)

setting aside the darkling issue a bit, the POV from Mayu was skippable. i mean obviously it still needs to be read for the Shu politics and the khergud existence but it just made me want to go to the next pov. Same goes for the “the monk’s” POV since you all know how i feel about him and the cult with it’s assembly and shit ended up also being unnecessary towards the end. honestly, i could do without the journey of the starless saint and his cult.

i truly enjoyed the fjerdan plot to my surprise and i like how nina kind of went through the last of us 2 circle of hate journey. it was definitely difficult knowing her pain and all that she went through and still choosing to be the better person. and yet, i can’t help but be more proud of her development. also, the supposed death of hanne got me going for a second and was actually ready to storm leigh’s home to fix her mistake. thank god it was plot twist. that’s all i have to say on the nina POV because i don’t wanna ruin my good feeling on this.

the crows cameo gave us a mini heist and it just made me miss reading their adventures. also the suli scene tugged at my heart.

imma skip zoya’s transformation but it utterly made me feel amazing and i have never been more glad that she’s kind of overpowered. she deserves it so fck all them haters. you can choke.

nikolai’s revelation and decision for the ravkan throne was not all that surprising, even without my knowledge of the spoilers. i honestly had a feeling that he was always his best self when he was strumhond and he only chose to fulfill the duties of the king because at that time, there was no other choice. so him giving up the throne to his beloved soldier, summoner and saint was a quite satisfying choice of route. there has been some others who would contest nikolai’s decision to step down as something unnecessary in the grand scheme of things but i would stand by my belief that nikolai made the best choice for ravka and for himself. not to say that i didn’t want to see both the queen and king side by side ruling but what are fanfictions for?

zoyalai is canon and endgame. finally. i can die now.

now the last two chapters was a toss up. for the first one was the darkling’s sacrifice. okay, so i was also spoiled by this from twitter but when i was reading the book, i keep expecting it to be brought up and it wasn’t. so i honestly thought that maybe that spoiler was a prank. lo and behold it was not and it wasn’t until the very last end. so the buildup was goddamn awful. the whole concept of the thorn wood and sort of atlas moment was just no. like you’re just springing this up now? when we’re supposed to be tying up loose ends but making sure it had history and buildup to well, back it up.

also leigh outright writing genya saying it was not a redemption for the darkling and him being unapologetic about his crimes (basically being a truly evil asshole) doesn’t remove the fact that it still comes off as a redemption arc especially with what is now the synopsis of SOC 3 but ill get to that. he still was the one who did a heroic deed and that fucks me up because it was just devastating to me after making peace with his end in ruin and rising. not because i was hurt that he died yet again boohoo but because it kind of invalidates everything that alina, genya, zoya and countless other victims went through.

on a side note, the darling stans on twitter who keeps defending his actions, i would really advise you to reflect on your decisions cuz it is honestly unhealthy. also, you lot talking smack about nikolai and zoya refusing to sacrifice their lives? stop twisting the story to suit your toxic admiration, nikolai was even first to offer up his life and would do so if it was actually possible. so just go hide in your darkling cocoon and stop hating on other characters to justify your favored aleksander.

the very last chapter aka coronation was good because it gave us inej ghafa cameo as captain of her ship and bonding with our resident privateer and also genya, alina and zoya bonding. but it was bad because apparently the darkling chronicles is still not over and now we’re supposed to grant him death like that’s going to make everything okay? i know forgiveness and breaking the circle of hate and revenge is a huge theme in this duology but honestly, this is just too extreme. with nina it was understandable and the people she hated were born of twisted mindset and circumstances but the darkling? hahahah no. he is a literal immortal who was delusional so now that he’s paying for his crimes, you want to allow him death because you have nightmares? zoya, goddamit no! same to you genya and alina. and so this will be the plot for the third six of crows? why can’t we just stop making this about him. now he gunna steal kaz’s thunder? over my dead body.

in the end, i gave this book 4 stars in goodreads because if i ignore the darkling plot, it was a really good use of politics and fantasy merging in a storyline. i can’t fault leigh for choosing to do this since it’s still her book so i definitely don’t have a right to dictate what i expected from this. also, i have a half a mind to believe that she fell in love with ben barnes and had him in mind writing this so i really cannot blame her because i have been under that man’s charms since prince caspian came out. the spoilers i read made me more open in reading this (backwards thinking but eh that’s how i roll) so i’m not at all crushed by what transpired. it was just weird and was lackluster in its attempt to give ravka some sort of peace. frankly, i just want to read the third six of crows book to maybe find some sort of calm in all this craziness and also delve in some zoyalai fanfiction because it was a long time coming.

shameless promotion but if you guys want to check out my nikolai duology spotify playlist, here’s the link:

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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 3 years

Text

¿Where am I at in my healing journey?

Well. I fell asleep to Citizen Soldier.

I put these songs ↓ in a playlist...

((yes these are the actual titles, they’re all on YouTube, & I think most if not all are available on Spotify & Apple Music))

Hand-Me-Down, Never Good Enough, Weight Of The World, Bedroom Ceiling, Empty Cup, I’m Not Okay, If These Scars Could Speak, Found, Say Goodbye, In Pieces, Forever Damned, The Cage, Mess Of Me, Always December, Face To Face (← all angst to some degree, not positivity really but understanding), (power songs about overcoming this very dark stuff (abuse, mental illness), & encouragement from the band that it’s worth it at all →) Would Anyone Care, Sacred, Unbreakable, First Blood, Let It Burn, Hallelujah (I’m Not Dead), Stronger Than My Storm, & Thank You For Hating Me

& it ↑ helped me sleep. Not for five minutes either; for 3 hours. I’ve never been able to nap once it’s light out, & it’s light out. & I slept okay last night.

I know some people would interpret this as a bad sign. But I’ve been building a self love playlist on YT lately & only listening to positive music, & I’ve made so much progress....I see this as much needed rest.

When I started this journey, it was all small steps forward, huge steps back. Then medium steps forward, bigger relapses & spirals.

I’ve now made huge steps forward. I don’t hate myself. So I embrace this little step back & grant myself this time to take a break from healing & growing to just rest, be comfortable, & feel like my pain is understood. No guilt, no regret.

I’m still making progress, but it’s exhausting to rewire your brain after trauma. So this rest is needed to keep going. I’ll still reach my end goal of functional healing, and keep growing from there. This is not defeat.

So for anyone else who needs to rest & relapse while you move forward....I see you.

You are still undefeated. Even the strongest warriors rest between battles.

You are still healing. You are not defeated.

~Nico

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troop52 · 3 years

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do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

#SORRY THIS TOOK A BIT #I had to use my brainpower and I am very easily distracted #max kirkwood #ephraim elliot #kent jenks #newton thornton #shelley longpre #the troop #the troop nick cutter

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justseveralowls · 4 years

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Some of the good parts of mental health recovery:

This post is not to brag, be preachy or overly positive and I really hope it doesn’t come off that way. It is just a list of some of the good things I have come across so far. I hope it will inspire and serve as a reminder to me and all who need it that even on bad days choosing recovery is worth it. I hope these are helpful.

There will be good days, and they will be more frequent than they had been before.

There will still be struggles of course, but it will also get easier to recognize and not dismiss small victories, nice feelings, and pleasant events.

As time goes on you’ll have more energy, the energy you didn’t have before, the energy that you can use to live.

For me, this meant I started writing again. It had been probably well over two years since I had sat all day and wrote, completely enthralled. It didn’t happen all at once but the difference was undeniable. You start remembering and enjoying your hobbies and passions again.

You start to feel clearer.

Personally, I had a point in my journey that I couldn’t read anything too long because of my focus and brain fog. I will never forget the day I picked up a new book and dove right in after what felt like forever.

Laughing again.

I know this sounds weird but I remember one of the things that I realized about 6 weeks into treatment was that I laughed easier.

Music begins to sound better again, and not just the sad or angry playlists.

I remember driving and hearing a song I had loved at a good time in my life and thinking “why don’t I listen to this kind of thing anymore. I liked how it sounded and how it made me feel and since then I have majorly expanded my Spotify. Now I will admit I still have my angst playlists and still listen to them, but that’s not all I can stand anymore.

Eventually, thinking about the future doesn’t fill you with dread.

I won’t lie it started as indifference then morbid curiosity with me, but now I am finding that I’m starting to want to start my own life.

You learn what’s really important to you.

This process can be exhausting, annoying and sorta awful at times. But in even the worst moment you’ll learn what is important to you, and what motivates you. For me, it was wanting to make the world better, to tell me stories and to make a family that I know I can trust and who loves me (turns out it may be a partner and a ton of cats). Finding these is empowering and liberating.

Empathy and an amazing sense of understanding.

When you go through this process it is one of the hardest things you can do, but you come out of it knowing so much more. It allows you to understand yourself, others and the world better. This means you can inspire yourself and others, tell your stories, and spread awareness.

You get to know yourself.

Okay so at the start and honestly through a lot of my life that sentence would have filled me with dread. But let me explain. Something that surprised me was that this process exposed my motivations, fears, ambitions and the traits that truly make me who I am as a human being. Now not all of it was pretty, and I won’t say all I learned was pleasant. But I also got to know the good. I uncovered that I was kind, funny and loyal and that those traits were as much a part of me as anything else.

LEARNING TO SELF SOOTHE!

Like holy crap, this was actually something I had never been able to do. In general, I would sit in distress until I either hit “I don’t care anymore” or was too exhausted to think. But after lots of practice, and some rough days and nights I actually managed to calm myself down without self-destruction or harmful actions. It was terrifying but one of the most amazing things ever.

You eventually see physical improvements.

After months or years on “running on empty” I had grown kind of accustomed to permanent dark circles, pale grey hued skin, shedding hair and constant exhaustion (now a couple of those were because of some chronic illnesses going mostly untreated) but I was pretty surprised that I started to feel even a little better. (I’m not saying treat your anxiety and you’ll never feel bad, be in pain or get acne again. But for me removing stress made my bad pain days and ofter debilitating symptoms seem a lot more manageable because I recognized things more.

A higher level of emotional fluency.

I have always struggled with identifying and coping with my emotions, but with my overall mental health on the upswing, I have become better at labeling and accepting my feelings. This isn’t foolproof yet, of course, but it certainly has made it a lot better.

You start to be more comfortable with your needs

I call this “troubleshooting”. I get a feeling ™ then go through the list until I figure it out or improve it. I still struggle to rest when needed but I am much better than the time in my life when I went to class/work with one of the worst migraines of my life. Meeting at least physical needs becomes like watering a plant, necessary even if it’s not all that enjoyable.

Things seem less daunting, whether it be school, laundry, or taking a shower.

Now once again I’m excluding my bad pain/flare days. But on days when spoons are sufficient or at least not critically low, I find that maintaining my room, hygiene and meal plan (anorexia recovery necessity) seem much more doable. I am also I lot less hard on myself on rough days when I can’t do the “normal” routine/tasks.

I know as well as anyone how much this process sucks sometimes. I still have plenty of struggles and bad days, but I thought it was really important for me, and others going through their own journeys. The point of this post is to remind everyone going through this process that there are benefits even when you are a while from finished (like I am). This is still worth it, even as hard as it is. There is so much more to life than struggle, even if you haven’t experienced that yet. I didn’t think I would ever get this far alive, let alone preparing to start my own life. What I guess I am trying to say is, that as much as it is hard to believe recovery is possible and better than it seems, for everyone, even if you’ve spent your life so far convinced it wasn’t. Keep fighting, this is possible and you are not alone.

Feel free to reblog and add your own positives!

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jkbec · 5 years

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wíckєd gαmєs (M).

genre ➙ Mafia!au: horror, angst, romance + smut — words ➙ 25.5k — pairing➙ jeon Jungkook x female reader

reupload from old account.

Playlist - spotify

Warning; Illicit narcotic use, Dom! Jungkook, public indecency, murder, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, oral (female receiving and male receiving), mentions of mental illness, domestic violence, reckless law-breaking behaviour, explicit language and scenes.

"It's the fifth murder this month. The victim… a young woman in her early twenty's. She, unfortunately, has been murdered in the exact same fashion as the rest of the homicide victims we've been having this month. Sliced at the vital points of her neck, with a large ‘X' carved in the centre of her chest as well as the mutilation of her body. The killer is extremely intelligent, clean and précised with his killing methods. This person knows what they are doing and are incredibly good at it. You need to pick up the pace and find a lead on this investigation (L/N) were losing too many innocent lives."

5:00 am illuminates on your digital bedside alarm clock. Your eyes droop as you frown bitterly at the realisation that you once again had a sleepless night consisting of overthinking and binge-watching crime documentaries on YouTube. The aches in your neck and back from staying in a slouched position too long makes you groan in agony. The stresses obtained from your field of work is rapidly catching up to you, as you make your start to your day by washing your face, brushing your teeth and swiping on large amounts of concealer under your eyes as you could to minimise the tiredness and exhaustion you physically felt by your visibly dark circles and eye bags. The ringing in your ears and painful swelling in your chest seems to be worsening as you blankly stare at your reflection through the fingerprint-smudged bathroom mirror in front of you.

"I am happy to you inform Miss (L/N) that the symptoms you have been experiencing these past few months are common physical aspects of a panic attack or anxiety. You also seem to have some swelling in your chest which is something I would identify as Costochondritis. " The silence is almost deafening as you gape up at the doctor in complete shock. The agony you have been feeling in your head, joints, muscles and chest were all just from anxiety? The doctor examines your test results assertively smiling down at you.

"So basically…You’re telling me that I'm not dying- just severely anxious?" You ask feeling completely hopeless at the realisation you had been overthinking about your health for absolutely nothing. “I swear that I am not a hypochondriac!”

The doctor chuckles at your outburst as he faces you while holding out your medical records. You take them from him gently and scan through the information on the sheets of paper.

"Yes. I can tell you confidently that you are in fact not dying and are experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety." He smiles reassuringly at you.

"I-I…oh-um so like can you help me like not feel like this?-"

"-The most I can do for you is refer you to see a psychologist or prescribe you with some antidepressants medication…is there anything happening in your life that is particularly stressful and is taking up a lot of your time and energy?"

"No. I-No, not really."

"Well, just by looking at you I can see that you are mentally and physically exhausted. I would take it easy for time being and maybe take a week off from work to give your body the proper rest and relaxation it deserves. As for the Costochondritis just take some ibuprofen along with some hot and cold therapy on the muscles."

"Taking time off work is something that's just not going to happen any time soon…" You mumble to yourself quietly as you fight back tears. Your grip on your cold bathroom basin tightens until your knuckles turn white. Your fresh mascara smudging slightly under your eyes. "Oh, that's just great." Your breath hitches in your throat, as you struggle to look at your reflection in the mirror. Never, in your years of living have you ever been as stressed as you were now. The struggle of adulthood is illustrated through your whole day-to-day routine of getting little to no sleep and running on caffeinated drinks. As you fight to solve case after case. Hard work, motivation and praises are becoming repetitive as you battle with other detectives to keep your position and remain where you currently were at your agency.

You were fortunate enough to land a stable job at a detective agency which paid really well and offered you enough experience to really rank up in the field. You always had a deep passion for justice and knew you were capable of working in this field of work, even though some of the shit you've seen over the years really did fuck you up mentally. The gruesome scenes of decapitated bodies, pools of blood and rotting corpses were just some things that took a while to get used to. You had always considered yourself to be mentally and physically capable of handling the more intense cases but there were a lot of very dangerous people out there with very horrible intentions and even worse actions. Your boss Kim Namjoon is a perfectionist, who expects nothing but the best from his colleagues when responding to cases. You have learned a lot from Namjoon and considered him to be someone you looked up to and respected. However, he is also the reason for your horrible anxiety and stress.

When it came to Namjoon everything had to be sorted in perfect order, every opinion had to carry sophistication and certainty. You wake up at the butt crack of dawn to make sure you put together, researching, examining and investigating. You are not someone to kiss ass to rank up in positions. If you were going to show your worth it will be done through hard work and dedication. You were clearly overworking yourself but you needed to put in the extra effort to do your job to the best of your abilities. Although, perfection is Kim Namjoon and perfection is something you desired to obtain. To prove yourself even further you needed to find the infamous killer circling the media and your detective office. Namjoon trusted your ability as a detective to crack this case. However, never in your years of experience as a detective have you ever come across such a careful and well calculated, cold-blooded killer.

"Just by observing the way these unfortunate victims have been killed by this ruthless killer indicates that the killer has knowledge on human anatomy." Kim Namjoon points directly at the disfigured images of the murderer's victims on his pinboard. The atmosphere in the meeting room is instantly tense as your co-workers grimly peer at the images some with curiosity, horror or just pure disgust.

You inhale and exhale as you pat down your hair and lightly rub under your eyes in a pathetic attempt to clean the smudged mascara under your eyes and calm down your racing heart. "You got this (Y/N). Relax." You repeatedly chant to yourself as you glance down at your wristwatch. “Shit! I’m gonna miss my train!” You exclaim in panic as you hastily slide on your clothes before speeding off and making your way towards your station. “I can’t believe my car still getting fixed.” You grumble as you continue to power walk, just making it in time for your train.

_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽_͓̽

"Young Master Jeon welcome back! How was your trip to Dubai?" An older butler at the Jeon residence asks with politeness as he bows elegantly at the young bachelor who is twirling the keys to his custom black Koenigsegg CCXR in his right hand as his other is in his expensive black suit pants.

"Hm. Average." He spoke blankly as he watches his servants bow to him with courtesy in two perfectly straight lines stretching from both sides of his mansions front door. The servants become stiff in his presence, the atmosphere in the large mansion immediately becoming thick with dread and spitefulness. "Are you hungry Master?" An older butler questions with classiness, making the chefs straighten up and gawk at Jungkook with distress. “We just brought in beautiful fresh lobster tails imported from Japan this morning, Master.” A chef states impulsively as he takes a cautious step forward, face filled with fear. “O-Or! We have some exquisite Australian Beef! We can-” The chef falls short with his outburst as Jungkook’s expression quickly becomes sour. Jungkook peers at his servants in annoyance as he ruffles his hair in slight agitation. "No. Where's my father?" The butler nods his head in a mixture of both relief and understanding before pointing sophisticatedly towards the large flight of stairs located at the centre of the mansion. "He's at his office speaking to a potential client at the moment." Sighing with pure frustration he places both his hands on his hips. His luxury car key dangling in his left hand.

"Well when he's done, tell him I'll be going out tonight and I won't be home until early morning." Jungkook spat with arrogance while continuing to twirl his car keys in his hands, before turning around to walk up the long flight of marble stairs completely dismissing the butlers, maids and chefs that bow to him as he makes his getaway.

"As you wish Master."

With that, he is gone. As if he never arrived home in the first place. "Which car are we taking tonight JK?" Park Jimin murmurs as he slides another Laguna beach ring on his slender fingers while he smirks up at Jungkook through the pure gold embraided mirror in Jeon Jungkook's room. "I was thinking of taking out my matte black Lambo or Lykan Hypersport but we can take the Maserati GranTurismo and be more casual if you want." Jungkook murmurs as he fastens his Louie Vuitton cufflink, smirking up at Jimin as he rolls up his sleeves, outlining his muscles from underneath his white dress shirt. Jimin bites his plump lips as he hovers his delicate index finger over all twelve of Jungkook’s car keys laid out in front of him. "Hm." He hums as he sneers up at Jungkook before picking up a car key, throwing it to him. Jungkook chuckles and lifts up his right hand swiftly catching the keys with a wide grin plastered on his face.

"Lamborghini it is."

The engine roars as Jungkook starts the luxury sports car. "Live life simple". Is Jeon Jungkook's life motto, even though his life was nowhere near being simple. He taps the side of his luxury car to open the mansions garage door. Jimin is ecstatic as he quickly connects his phone to the cars Bluetooth system, before going on to snapchat quickly to film Jungkook as he does a burn out as he speeds out the driveway of his million dollar mansion. "It's going to be a good night!" Jimin shouts as he swipes through his playlist on his phone, speedily finding a song and blasting the music louder to vibrate around the luxury car. Jungkook smirks as he speeds down the street with one hand on the leather steering wheel.

It wasn't easy being the son of one of the world's most well-known and feared mafia organisations. His father ran his illegal and ruthless business for decades now. As the gang grew, so did the expectations, illegal transactions and contracts. From a young age, he has been privately tutored. His relaxation time consisted of excessive gym workouts, video games and research of other mafia organisations which could be a threat to his father and himself. Jungkook didn't know how to actually take a break. From a child he was placed under a lot of pressure from his father, there were all these expectations that he'd be the best and nothing but the best. Jungkook's father didn't believe in vacations and breaks, which resulted in Jungkook being robbed of a normal childhood, rich or not he never knew when enough was enough and always tried to improve in any area he felt he lacked in. Jungkook is perfection and there was no one who could one-up him in anything. As he grew older, the stress and pressure kept growing until he was pushed to breaking point and it takes a lot to get Jeon Jungkook to break.

"-Jungkook I am warning you. No more fucking around. I did not raise you to be this reckless and barbaric!" His father shouts as he slams an expensive 4.7 million dollar vase against the brick wall of his office. "I am sorry father it won't happen again."

"Listen to me. You need to get your fucking priorities straight. We already have thousands of enemies after us. We can't just simply fuck up all the time. He doesn't want to pay up, the fucking bastard! Even when we have given him one of our finest bags of cocaine. Do not make a deal without the customer paying first. I don't care if he's one of our most trusted customers or not. You can’t trust anyone in this world. This is a fucking amateur mistake even for you."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sending you back to Dubai. You know what to do. I won't tell you again Jungkook." Jungkook silently swallows as his father slowly approaches him, leaving only an inch of space between them.

"Kill him. I want you to meet up with Mr Moon and fucking annihilate him"

"Yes, Father."

After meeting his current best friends Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung in University he finally learnt how to wind down and relax. The two equivalently as rich bachelors saved Jungkook from overworking himself and taught him how to waste his time doing things that could help him relax. There were only a few ways Jungkook knew how to wind down after being put under so much stress and anxiety. The endless collection of luxury vehicles was only one of them. The other things he liked to do to pass time was through the illicit use of illegal narcotics he owns and pays people to make, while the other consisted of fucking random girls and getting excessively drunk. So drunk that he'd get the sudden urge to kill and release his frustrations from his father and his business on innocent victims he'd target throughout his night. Jungkook, unlike Jimin and Taehyung, wasn't very interested in money and material things. Jungkook was no stranger to murder and reckless drug use. He has everything…the routine gets boring. Purchasing a new car, a new watch or property. None of that gave him the rush he needed to feel alive. Nothing was more euphoric to him than a good fuck and kill. The exciting rush of adrenaline setting him off.

“Jungkook maybe you should really refrain from killing your bitches.” Yoongi huffs in annoyance as he enters Jungkook’s room, peering at the dead body from his doorway. The blood from his victim soaking his bed sheets and dripping onto the marble floor. Her naked and brutally attacked body is covered in stabbed wounds and slash marks. “It’s going to get on your carpet man.” Yoongi ruffles his hair before shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket as he turns his head away in disgust. “Can’t I just do my thing without anyone questioning it Yoongi?" Jungkook retorts in agitation, as he clamps a hand over his eyes, trying to ignore the head splitting headache he felt from being hungover. "You really need to stop with these wicked games Jungkook," Yoongi says finally walking over to him, stopping once he was right in front of him. "Just hurry up and get someone to clean this fucking mess. It’s starting to smell.” Jungkook mutters in irritation as he glares at Yoongi before walking towards his bathroom completely stark naked. Yoongi peers at the scares on his body before sighing. “It’s always me doing the dirty work.”

It was supposed to be a one-time thing. A simple release of stress and anxiety. However, it slowly became into something Jungkook just could not control. What started off as one victim, turned into two, then into three before he knew it he had lost count. He had lost count of the multiple people he has killed men and women alike. It became a pattern and something he couldn't withhold. He just needed to release his frustration in some type of way that actually works for him. It just happened to be through murdering the people he slept with on a lonely intoxicated spent night. Jungkook downs his glass of expensive champagne before using his diamond credit card without any limit on spending to line up his favourite white substance. He snorts it as the music around him blast through the speakers of Full Moon. One of the many clubs that he owns and likes to visit very frequently to release his stress.

"Hey, there handsome." A female voice speaks over the loud music playing the club and Jungkook bites down onto his bottom lip in a pathetic attempt to prevent a smile from stretching across his gorgeous lips. "Any more for me?" She pouts teasingly, before running her manicured fingers down the fine quality of his dress shirt. He narrows his eyes at her as he whips around to face her. He chuckles while taking in her appearance. Her botox lips, silicone breasts and butt injections were exceptionally recognisable as the incredibly short dress and low cut top left little to the imaginations as she leans herself closer to his masculine figure. He smirks at her obvious advances and he leans closer towards her. She definitely wasn’t worth the fuck but she’d make a pretty good kill.

"I don't know doll face I don't think you can handle this." He murmurs clasping his hands together as he rests his elbows against the fine wood of the bar booth. Her eyes glint as they wander across the expensive rings on his fingers and the Rolex clasped around his wrist. "Oh, I don't know about that handsome. Why don't you give me some and we'll see?" She bites her lip as she places a bald hand on one of his thick thighs. Jungkook laughs as he covers his mouth with one of his hands as the other taps his credit card on the counter in annoyance. "Hmm how about it beautiful?" She moans leaning closer towards Jungkook's face to place a kiss. Jungkook moves quickly before pushing her hand off his thigh, while hostilely pressing her against the counter of the bar. "You don't get to touch me or my shit okay?" She swallows nervously, before nodding her head quickly. The dark clouding in his eyes takes her breath away as he violently wraps his fingers around her neck. "Get your pathetic self out of my fucking sight before I fucking kill you." She scampers away hastily, tripping slightly in the process.

"Wow. You really know how to talk to the ladies." Jimin chuckles as he pours himself a cup of whiskey. Jungkook shrugs before putting his hands into his pocket, eyes now focusing on his friend. "Let's go to the VIP section, Taehyung's just arrived and he brought Yoongi." Jimin grins as he swirls around his alcoholic beverage eyes watching the ice clack against the fine glass before looking up at Jungkook with a smirk. Jungkook's eyes narrow as he nods, wordlessly walking in the direction of the VIP section. "There's my favourite billionaire! How are you JK?" Taehyung shouts while slinging an arm around Jungkook's shoulders. Jungkook chuckles patting Taehyung on the chest. "Blessed you in my presence like always man," Jungkook smirks before making eye contact with Yoongi as he slowly approaches the pair sluggishly. "You got the stuff?" Yoongi mutters pulling the cigarette out of his mouth and blowing smoke to the side.

Jungkook smirks as he pulls out a bag of white substance from the inside of his lavish blazer. "Always." He mutters before throwing the bag of coke to him. Yoongi catches it with a wide grin, exposing his gummy smile. "I missed you JK." He murmurs, as Jungkook winks at him in response. Jimin downs his drink as Taehyung eagerly races over to Yoongi to get some of the powdered cocaine.

You sigh for the tenth time as you peer up at the clock hanging on the wall adjacent from you. If the time on the clock was correct, which it is, you should have left the agency to go home five hours ago. "Namjoon really needs to start paying us overtime because this is the twentieth time we've stayed back to do the paperwork and I’m serious (Y/n) I counted! I am not getting any younger. Or am I? I look pretty sexy today actually, don’t you think (Y/n)?" Your detective partner grumbles as he staples some papers together, peering down at you with a pout.

You nod while yawning not really paying attention to anything your colleague was saying to you. “You didn’t even look at me!” He whines and you hum in acknowledgement. You were too exhausted to speak, exhaling as you, read through your investigations closely. You had just been drilled by your boss Kim Namjoon about your cases and the stress of finding a lead to the recent murders makes your chest and head hurt. Massaging your temples, you glance at your empty coffee mug, contemplating for another cup of coffee to wake you up. You sigh again reaching towards the mess of papers against your desk. You start stacking them ready to turn in for the night. "Don't tell me you are still upset about what happened 4 hours ago (Y/n)? Cheer up! So Namjoon told you off? Big deal! He yells at me all the time and I'm older than him. The guy’s just like that. Don’t take it personally." Your partner tries to cheer you up as he helps you stack papers from the cases you have been investigating.

"Please just stop Jin! I can't believe we don't have any leads. I wasted another entire day at work drinking coffee and getting yelled at by Namjoon…" You whine, slouching against your computer chair as you purse your lips into a pout, looking at your partner Kim Seokjin. "You are already one of the most respected detectives at this agency. Namjoon pushes you hard because he knows you can deliver the results. You don't give yourself enough credit." Jin says moving behind to rest his hands on your shoulders. “It’s not enough Jin. I am not enough. I need to try harder.”

Jin's hands that rested on your shoulder begins massaging them. Your eyes roll back in ecstasy as you feel your tense muscles begin to loosen. Jin rolls his eyes before sighing. "You know what. When was the last time you got a massage? You are way too tense! Why don't we go out? Just like to go and grab a couple of drinks? I mean it's Friday night you could obviously use a well-deserved break you work-acholic!" Jin exclaims releasing your shoulders as he starts impulsively packing away your things into your handbag. "Woah Jin what are you-"

"Come on get yo prude ass up. We're going out." He pulls you off your chair and onto your feet as he pats you down, from your crinkled blouse to your pencil skirt. "Lucky you got heels on tonight! You look great, there's a club/bar close to our agency were going to go to let off some steam. You really could use a couple of drinks. As your loyal detective partner and friend, I am not going to let you suffer like this. Your way too young to be looking like this. Where's your youth gone?" He complains as he places your handbag on your shoulder, before grabbing your car keys. "Wait, seriously Jin I don't really feel like-"

"Shut up! Stop protesting! Admit it you want to drink." Jin ushers you out of the agency before turning off the lights and looking up the door. "I-I…okay." You murmur, rolling your eyes as Jin winks at you, shooting finger guns. "Which club are we going to anyway?" You ask taking your hair out of the ponytail you previously had it in.

"Full Moon," Jin mumbles as motions you to follow him. He stuffs his hands into his pockets as he begins walking in the direction of the club. "Full Moon?" You say raising an eyebrow up at him in confusion. "Yeah. Full Moon. You haven't you heard of it?" He questions with wide eyes. "N-No…" You mutter slightly embarrassed. Jin peers at you questionably and you finally break. "Okay fine. Yes. I haven't heard of it. Sue me." Jin chuckles and pats you on the shoulder reassuringly. "It's fine. The club is extremely popular though. Apparently, some good-looking rich guy owns it. I know it's expensive. That famous actor Kim Taehyung goes there a lot and he's friends with the owner."

"Really!? Kim Taehyung. That's crazy." You exclaim at the shocking news of someone so famous going to the same club you were about to go to. "Wait Jin I-I is it going to be expensive because if it is I am still paying off car repairs and-"

"I got you (Y/N). Don't even worry about trivial things such as money." He reassures you with such a gleaming smile it was impossible to refuse him. "Okay, money is not trivial. It is what makes the world go around but…thank you so much, Jin." Your smile widens as he gives you a dopey look. "It's nothing, but you owe me a coffee on Monday." You laugh at that last comment before nodding up at him. "We've been friends for so long now. I mean you are dating my best friend." Jin chuckles at the mention of his girlfriend who happens to be one of the most precious people in your life. "Yeah, that's true. I don't think she's busy tonight I already invited her…she should be meeting us there." Jin says checking the messages on his phone. "You are so whipped for her."

"You know it." He winks at you before you both burst out laughing. "(Y/N)! Your best friend shouts as she wraps her arms around you. "Oh, you fucking scared me!" You both laughed as Jin wraps his arms around her from behind. “You look amazing baby!” Jin compliments her before giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. You avert your gaze from the couple pretending to puke. She laughs before slapping your arm playfully. “Don’t look at me like that! You just need to get laid.” She says pocking her tongue out at you. “Shut up you little thot.” You say bitterly, causing Jin to laugh embarrassingly loud. "Woah, so this is the club?" Your best friend exclaims as she stares at the club with her mouth wide open in shock. Your eyes widened dumbfounded at the long queue of ridiculously rich looking people waiting in line outside. The club is buzzing and bustling loud with paparazzi in all directions trying to take pictures and sneak their way get in. "oh this is the club and It's busy alright," Jin mutters as he ushers both you and your best friend into the queue of people. "Must be some famous people in there if there is paparazzi clowning around right outside." Your best friend whispers in your ear and you nod back at her. "Jin told me that a Kim Taehyung comes here a lot."

"Really!? The actor?" Your best friend exclaims peering into the club through a window. "Gosh, I hate how these windows are tinted we can't see anything inside." Jin groans trying to peer through the window. Your best friend laughs before slapping her boyfriend on the arm lightly. "Hey stop! People from the inside can see you even though you can't see them." You all chuckle at that. Jin doing his famous window wiper laugh. “We are going to be waiting out here all night and this rate.” You utter dejectedly. Jin opens his mouth to retort to your comment only to be interrupted by a girl waiting at the front. "Oh hey someone's coming out!" The random girl in front of you shrieks as she notices the slender handsome guy exiting through the front door of the club to whisper something to the bouncer at the front that you assume must be urgent from the stern look on his face. Your eyes widened in amazement at the realisation that this particular person was extremely good-looking. “Wow.” Your best friend whispers in your ear before nudging you. Without looking at her you nod, completely agreeing, as the girls around you guys start to scream and shout as they shower the said person with compliments and random praises.

"Park Jimin!!!!!!!" Girls, nearby you start to scream as he waves at them humbly, totally dismissing their chaotic behaviour. Jimin is unfazed by the attention he is receiving, the radiant smile on his face never faltering once. “Park Jimin?” You repeat as your eyes stay glued on him. He is stunning and has this unexplainable glow to him. You are mesmerised by the mere sight of him.

"Woah really Park Jimin!?" Jin shouts staring at the attractive boy with wide eyes. "What is It Jin?" Your best friend asks resting her hand on his shoulder, as she peers at Jimin curiously. Jin doesn't take his eyes off Jimin as he stares at him with his mouth slightly agape. Jimin continues giving his attention to the girls surrounding the club. The paparazzi camera flashes almost blinded you, as people begin to eagerly take videos and photos of Jimin. While he was giving the girls a bit of fan service, Jimin notices Jin and instantly his own eyes begin to widen once he realises who he’s looking at.

"Is that you Jin?" He questions ushering him to come closer. You and your best friend instantly stiffen at the sudden wave of attention brought to your group. The long queue instantly parts in the middle making you both a pathway to walk through. "Okay, why the fuck is Park Jimin motioning you to go over to him? And who the fuck is he?" Your best friend harshly whispers to Jin. Jin laughs nervously avoiding the question before ushering you both to the front of the queue.

Once you all started getting closer to Jimin, his eyes began to sparkle as he stares at Jin fondly. "Seokjin! It is you! It has been ages man how are you?" Jimin is ecstatic as he wraps Jin into a long heartfelt embrace. "It has been so long, I haven't seen you since College." At the mention of college, you and your best friend begin to relax knowing that Seokjin comes from a wealthy family and studied abroad at an expensive elite University which is probably how he knows someone as famous as Jimin.

"Congratulations on expanding your business. I heard you opened a lot of new hotels globally." Jin mentions, making Jimin flustered as he runs his fingers through his hair. You watch him feeling a blush of your own brush against your cheeks. He was so gorgeous that you suddenly felt your social anxiety eating away at your heart. Your best friend wraps a hand around your trembling ones in an attempt to relax you. You tighten your grips on her hands without taking your gaze off Jimin.

Jimin notices your gaze and peers at you intently with a hint of cockiness soothing out of him. He clearly knew he was attractive. His eyes widen for a split-second before relaxing when you force a smile at him. A playful glint appears in his eyes as he stares at you for a few seconds too long. "Aren't you going to introduce me to these lovely ladies Jin?" Jimin playfully says curtly while tilting his head to the side slowly. His eyes wandering down your body to scan you from head to toe. If you weren't red before you were definitely red now. "Oh yes, of course, this is (B/F/N) my girlfriend and this is her best friend and my work colleague (Y/N)." Jin introduces you both to Jimin and Jimin smiles at you both dreamily, before shaking hands with your best friend. "Nice to meet you! Any friend of Jin's is a friend of mine." Your best friend says smiling up at Jimin who returns her smile sweetly. "You got yourself a keeper Jin, she suits you." Jin smiles at her tenderly, placing a kiss to her temples while wrapping an arm around her waist. "Yeah. I think so too. Glad you agree." Jimin smiles at Jin before shifting his eyes over to you. You jump slightly the moment your eyes meet and he's moving closer to you quickly. You feel yourself become weak as he grasps onto your hand gently. He comfortingly rubs his thumbs against the back of your as his hold tightens. "Nice to meet you (Y/N)" He slowly lifts your palm towards his soft lips. Your breath hitches in your throat as he teasingly winks before placing a soft kiss at the palm of your hand.

You feel the heat of envy from the girls around you as they glare at you. You pull your hand out of Jimin's hold quickly before forcing another tight smile at him up at him in response. "Nice to meet you too Jimin," Jimin smirks before placing a hand at your lower back, forcing you to turn and face the entrance of the club. He escorts you all towards the door. "We can talk inside." He says simply Jin nods in delight, while your best friend smirks at you cheekily. You shyly avert your gaze away from Jimin knowing he staring right at you "Stop." Your mouth to her in embarrassment as she snickers in response. "Thanks for getting us in man," Jin says rubbing Jimin on the shoulders. "Anything for fabulous Kim Seokjin." Jimin chuckles before facing the bouncer. "These guys are with me," Jimin says simply to the bouncer who nods in response. "Whatever you say, Boss."

You all happily enter the club and Jimin escorts you to the bar. "If it wasn't for you we would have been waiting outside forever." Your best friend chuckles as she beams up at Jimin. "Oh, its nothing don't even mention it." Jimin smoothly says while returning her smile politely. "So is it you who owns this club?" Jin asks as Jimin waves over the bartender. The bartender sophisticatedly picks up an expensive bottle of champagne before placing the alcoholic beverage in front of Jimin as well as fine glass cups. "Nah this club actually belongs to Jungkook," Jimin says unbothered and Jin immediately stiffens at the mention of Jungkook's name. "Jungkook huh," Jin says slowly while laughing awkwardly, you and your best friend immediately peer up at him in confusion and he glances at you both in slight agitation as he loosens his tie in an attempt to get you both to not ask. Jimin is oblivious to the sudden awkward tension has he opens an expensive bottle of Champagne that you knew probably costed more than your whole annual salary.

"Woah. Look at the bottle" Your best friend mutters as you all stare at the bottle wide-eyed. Jimin hands Jin and his girlfriend a glass before giving you a glass. His fingers slyly brush against yours and you stiffen in response as he winks at you. "Cheers to finally reuniting!" Jimin says placing his cup in front of the three to clack together. "Bottoms up!"

You all down your glasses. You were slower than the rest in an attempt to savour the expensive taste, thinking you will never be able to have this kind of champagne again. “We’re at the VIP Booth.” He says nonchalantly pointing to the back of the club. “You all should come and join us,” Jimin says after downing his champagne glass. “I’ll just have to let Jungkook know I’m bringing you guys in there because he gets a bit iffy with this sort of stuff. Just wait here I’ll be back in a flash. Don’t miss me too much.” Jimin says winking at you before rushing away ignoring the panicked expression on Jin’s face.

“So who’s Jungkook? And why’d you totally freak out and stiffen up like that?” Your best friend asks as she averts her gaze from Jimin’s back to Jin’s conflicted face. Jin looks at both your curious faces and sighs in defeat. “Let’s just say the kid’s got some problems,” Jin says trying to get you both to drop the question completely.

“What kind of problems Jin?” You asked raising an eyebrow at him curiously. Your best friend nods, folding her arms as she raises an eyebrow up at Jin. He shakes his head while massaging his temples. “It’s kind of complicated-“

“What kind of problems Jin?” Your best friend raises her voice as she cuts of Jin, looking at him irritably. Jin’s eyes begin to scan the room as he fidgets nervously, palm rubbing the back of his neck as he thinks his words over. “Like the mafia, breaking the law, drug selling kind of problems…”

You and your best friend stare up at Jin shocked and he bites his lip in response. “Are you being serious?” Your best friend exclaims. “-Um. Maybe we should go home.” Jin says ruffling his hair as he falls deep in thought while staring in the direction that Jimin took off in, trying to avoid any more questions being asked. “No. We just got here. We can’t just go home.” Your best friend says touching Jin on the shoulder gently. “Why?” You ask in concern. “Look, whatever happens, tonight. Jeon Jungkook can absolutely not find out were detectives.” Jin exclaims looking genuinely stressed out. Never in your many years of knowing and working with Jin have you ever seen look this concerned. He was always so carefree and relaxed even when dealing with the intense cases back at the detective agency. Why was he so concerned about a random club owner? When he deals with way worse on the daily. “Why can’t he find out were detectives?” Your best friend asks running her hand up and down Jin’s arm soothingly, looking sincerely concerned about his behaviour.

“Because if Jeon Jungkook finds out were detectives we are all going to fucking die tonight.”

“Father…”

"Yes, Jungkook?" He looks at Jungkook through his glasses as he pauses counting the piles of money stacked up on his desk. "What do you want? I'm really busy here." He asks running out of patience as he waits for young Jungkook to answer.

"When…you hold a knife to someone's throat…how easy is it for them to die?"

The silence is almost ear-splitting as he peers at his son with curious eyes. "Why do you want to know?" He asks taking off his glasses, placing them gently on the side of his desk as he leans back on his chair while crossing his arms. "I just-"

"Listen to me carefully Jungkook…If you want to play with knives you need to learn how to use them correctly. Slicing someone's throat is typically done for the effect. If the victims not alone, the sound will make their colleagues shit themselves. It's scary as it is. I mean, coming up to your victim from behind with the sharp knife in your hand, cupping a hand over their mouth, slicing across their neck, watching the pools of blood squirt out. However, if you really want to kill them it would be better to stab them, puncture the trachea, oesophagus and of course the carotid arteries and jugular veins. It really shows how easy it is to take a life. It's truly intriguing."

"Earth to Jungkook." Taehyung chuckles distastefully loud before flicking Jungkook on the forehead lightly. Jungkook's bloodshot eyes avert from the random wall he was staring at as he was lost in thought to Kim Taehyung. He stares back at him in a daze as the effects of the drugs begin to take place. "Man, you were like deep in thought, what the fuck were you thinking about?" Jungkook's mouth stretches up in the corner as he forces a smile at his friend. "Some dark shit Taehyung, you really wanna know?"

"Nah, I'll pass we all know how fucked up you are." He laughs pouring himself some more expensive liquor. "Pass me your cup," Jungkook smirks, sitting up before placing his glass in front of Taehyung. Taehyung smirks back at Jungkook before pouring his drink even fuller than he poured his own. "Yeah fill it any further it's going to overflow.” Jungkook laughs in disbelief as he peers at his cup intrigued by Taehyung's inattentive actions. "Hey, Hoseok!" Yoongi exclaims as he walks into the VIP room with style. "Long time no see guys." He says before leisurely taking a seat next to Yoongi. "Want a drink Hobi?" Taehyung teases as he wriggles the expensive bottle of champagne in his hand. "You never play fair Tae." Yoongi chuckles as he puts out his cigarette in the ashtray next to him. "You know me." He says shrugging, the smile on face growing as he peers back at Jungkook who was side-eyeing him. "Yeah pour me some," Hoseok says as he takes the cigarette offered to him by Yoongi, placing it between his teeth and lighting it with a pure gold lighter. "Aw, Yoongi there might not be any left for you." Taehyung chuckles pouring as a pours a glass for Hoseok. "I swear you have a death wish Tae-"

"Hey, Jungkook!" Jimin exclaims as he walks into the VIP booth, the three studs look at him simultaneously. "Yeah?" Jungkook murmurs, bringing the cup of liquor Taehyung poured him up to his lips. "You won't believe who I just bumped into-"

"Before that, did you tell the bouncer to not let that group of the Italian mafia in." Jungkook cuts him off after downing his drink. "Yeah it's all sorted, you won't be seeing them ever again," Jimin smirks crossing his arms, as he peers down at Jungkook. "Good." He mutters, motioning for him to continue with what he was going to say before he got interrupted.

"Listen I bumped into Kim Seokjin." Jungkook's eyes widen slightly. "I haven't heard that name in a while," Jungkook mutters smirking at Jimin. "Yeah, he's here with his girlfriend and her friend can they enter the VIP booth?" Jimin asks Jungkook smiling, Jungkook stares at him blankly before nodding his head. "Yeah, it is cool. I don't see why not."

"Are the chicks he's with hot?" Taehyung exclaims before Jimin could exit the booth. Jimin halts in his tracks before turning his head to the side to face him with a smirk.

"Smoking."

You take some time to process Jin's words. The night you finally had to relax suddenly had done a complete 180. You can tell that Jin is both physically and mentally freaking out. Even though he is usually the really calm one which makes you and your best friend especially nervous. Jin runs his fingers through his hair as he takes in a few deep breaths.

"Okay but w-what do you mean by ‘kill' us?" Your best friend says as she stares at Jin in complete disbelief, her eyes slimming slightly. Your heart starts hammering in the chest through the anticipation and anxiety of finding out what Seokjin had to say.

"Kill as in peu peu! Stab stab! Bye bye! THAT KIND OF KILL!" Jin says mockingly as he waves his arms up and down in exaggeration. You and your best friend roll your eyes at his behaviour before she slaps him on the arm. "Ow!"

"Jin can you be serious! Do you have some beef with this guy that we don’t know about?" You say glaring up at him while pacing on your hands on your hips. "Yeah like seriously, we need you to explain this. You can’t just say that shit and leave us hanging. Who exactly is Jungkook and why would he want to kill us?" Your best friend says leaning in closer towards Jin, you mimic her actions as Jin motions you both to come to close. Jin looks around him to make sure no one is listening before leaning back down closer to the both of you.

"Think about it this way, were in enemy territory right now. Jungkook owns this club, he has people working for him everywhere in this club. We are the seals in shark territory. Jungkook isn't just some lousy ass back alley drug dealer, his father is this fucking crazy, merciless serial killer and he is exceptionally rich and powerful! The Jeon family has ruined lives, not just kill people and get away with it but ruin lives. If he finds out were detectives there's no doubt in my mind that he'll kill us right on the spot. He doesn't care, he's fucking crazy. In college one guy copied a sentence from his essay and we literally never saw him again. He is pure evil and bad news. We don't fuck with someone like him. I've literally only have spoken to him a few times in my life and that was enough to give me nightmares."

You both feel shivers run down your spines as the frightening new information swims through your mind almost making you dizzy. "We can't enjoy ourselves tonight if we're constantly on edge. Maybe we should just get out of here and fast." Your best friend says grabbing onto both Jin and your hand. "Sorry I took a while! I'm glad you guys are still here." Jimin exclaims from behind the three of you making you all jump in fear and shock. "Going somewhere?" He says smirking up at the three of you. You hold your breath as Jin forces a laugh to break the awkward tension. "No! No way! Not at all!" Jin exclaims, patting Jimin on the arm gently. Jimin stares up at Jin in suspicion. His sudden change of persona has you all on edge.

"Good! Now, what liquor do you guys drink I'll have the bartender bring it over to our booth." Jimin suddenly exclaims, his face lighting up with a bright smile. His quick change of character leaves you all baffled as he scans over the expensive liquor lined up at the bar. “Well? What do you guys wanna sip?” Jimin chuckles, smiling kindly. You mentally panic knowing absolutely nothing about normal liquor than again expensive liquor! The two of you are speechless as Jin remains cool as a cucumber smiling back at Jimin. You start internally panicking because of the silence coming from the three of you before your best friend decides to nudge Jin hard in the ribs. Jin groans before covering up his pain by leaning against the counter. "We'll just drink whatever your having were not too picky with alcohol." He smiles at Jimin forcefully, before side-eyeing his girlfriend.

"Oh Okay, that's absolutely fine. We got some of the finest liquor over at the VIP section anyway. Please follow me." Jimin says maintaining eye contact with Jin and his girlfriend before subtly winking at you. You flush at his obvious flirtatious advances before sluggishly following him from behind Jin and Your best friend. The three of you are tense because of the terrifying new information that was given to you by Jin. You felt nauseous as the walk to the VIP booth seemed to be taking forever. You and best friend glance at each other with a tight smile. Everything will be okay we just have to make sure Jungkook doesn't find out what our field of work is. You mentally remind yourself as you try to calm down your concerns.

As the three of you get closer to the VIP section you start to smell marijuana. The smell is strong as it mixes with the expensive colognes being worn by the four people inside. Jimin ushers the three of you inside the booth when you all just stop simultaneously at the entrance. Jin is first to make eye contact with Taehyung and Hoseok as your best friend makes eyes with Yoongi. Your heart pounds against your rib cage as the boy with dark hair and eyes holds your gaze.

Your eyes widen in astonishment, your mouth falling slight agape as you take in the appearance of the person you assume is the infamous Jeon Jungkook. Your hands begin to shake as your cheeks are flushing a deep shade of red at the perfection in front of you. Jungkook eyes cut deep into your soul, your palms begin to sweat. He was beautiful. He had the rich person vibe about him, along with something that couldn't really put your finger on. His eyes wander from your face to the rest of your body and you instantly feel exposed to his greedy eyes. He watches you closely and precisely. As if he was absorbing all of your information out of you. He was intimidating and conceited from the way he presented himself as he chews onto his bottom lip. Tugging the flesh erotically as he maintains eye contact with you. How could someone this breathtakingly beautiful be so bad?

Playing with the expensive rings on his fingers, he stares at you with a new kind of glint in onyx dark his eyes. "Seokjin…I am so glad we could meet again," Jungkook says standing up slowly from the expensive leather couch he was sitting on. You peer up at him as he stands, his intense gaze never leaving your own. Jin clears his throat as he stares back and forth between you and Jungkook before walking forward timidly to shake hands with Jungkook. "Nice to see you again Jungkook. Looks like you're doing well Man. This club is amazing."

"You flatter me," Jungkook says smirking at you while he’s shaking hands with Jin. You stare back at him nervously tugging onto the flesh of your bottom lip. Jin once again notices Jungkook’s set gaze on you and peers between the both of you with searching eyes. “How long has this club been open? I’ve heard you had it renovated a few times.” Jin says trying to capture Jungkook’s attention to give you some space to breathe. You can tell that Jin is tense by the way he's tightening his jaw. As soon as Jungkook seems distracted you exhale abruptly finally releasing the breath you didn’t know you were holding. You observe Jungkook’s whole luxurious attire while he converses politely with Jin. “Yes – Actually this place has been renovated about…” His voice drifts away as you scan the black blazer that was imbraided with an expensive designer label, the white dress shirt was unbuttoned at the top revealing his collar bones and white gold neck, a designer belt holding up his black tight fitted suit pants and expensive black leather shoes. He was definitely rich and by the way, he acted, you knew he was someone that always gets what he wants.

“(Y/N)?”

The voice whispering in your ear breaks you out of your trance and you turn your head to the side to be greeted with your best friends worried expression. “Are you okay? You’re practically drooling.” She says it harshly as if it was obvious and your cheeks quickly set ablaze in complete embarrassment. “Was I that obvious?” You whisper back in panic as she nods her head you groan quietly.

"You weren't lying about bringing up some hotties weren’t you Jimin?" Taehyung murmurs as he winks at both you and your best friend. Your best friend quickly holds hands with Jin in response, the action coming to her naturally as Jin tightens his hold on her hand. You dismiss his comment, too invested in Jungkook and the way his eyes crinkle on the side when he smiles and the cute little mole under his lip. He was like something out of a movie. You never ever expected the bloodcurdling and merciless Jeon Jungkook to look like this.

"Talking to yourself now Taehyung? I knew you were fucked but not that fucked" Yoongi sneers as Taehyung glare at him in response. "Shut the fuck up Yoongi." Taehyung spat in annoyance. "Oi the DJ is playing that whack shit. Tell him to change the song." Hoseok mumbles to Jimin as he blows out smoke from his mouth, ignoring you, Seokjin and your best friend altogether. "No, you tell him! I told him last time - " Jimin retorts defensively before being cut off by Jungkook.

"-care to Introduce me to your friends Seokjin," Jungkook says as his sharp dark eyes fall on to you. You swallow the built up saliva salivating in your mouth as he smoothly unbuttons a button on his blazer before shrugging off it off completely. He has you captivated, his smile tugging on the side cockily as he is rolling up his sleeves and you almost choke on your drool at the sight of his muscle and tattoos hiding from underneath his tight fitted white collared dress shirt. "Right. Well, this beautiful girl right here is my girlfriend (B/F/N) and this is our good friend and work colleague (Y/N)."

"(Y/N)?" Jungkook says smirking, your eyes widened as he says your name smoothly, the rush of emotions sending you on an emotional high as he motions you to come to the vacant spot next to him. He eyes leave you momentarily to nod at your best friend in acknowledgement before he's gazing back at you cuttingly. "What would you like to drink?" He asks with barely any emotion visible on his handsome face. "Ah- we're not picky, that champagne will do," Jin says to Jungkook swiftly as he patted you gently on the shoulder. "Excellent," Jungkook says impassively before gesturing you to come closer to him. “Come.” He orders making you weak in the knees. You gulp nervously before walking over to the spot next to him. While you were debating what to do in your head, you decide to place yourself next to him on a whim. “(Y/n)-“ Jin and your best friend mutter strictly as they stare at you in complete disbelief as you make yourself comfortable next to him. You keep your gaze locked on Jungkook as he outstretches his hand towards you. You place your hand into his and he immediately notices you trembling. He a ghostly smirk appears on his face slyly as he notices the effect he had on you.

“What would you like to drink lovely (Y/n)?” Jungkook asks with the slight smirk stretching even wider on his lips as he releases your hand slowly while he motions you to take a seat next to him. "Surprise me." You say while forcing yourself to remain calm even though you were completely freaking out on the inside. He observes you closely which makes you anxious. He knows all the emotions you were discreetly trying to suppress.

Jungkook continues to stare at you attentively before grinning at your response. Jimin and Yoongi watch you in amusement as Taehyung chuckles at your curt reply. "I'd be careful if I was you.” Hoseok chuckles nonchalantly finally acknowledging you. “Jungkook has a tendency of taking things to the next level. Don't challenge him." Yoongi murmurs resting his chin against the palm of his hand with a wide grin plastered on his face as he watches Jungkook with curious eyes instantly recognising his friend's interest in you. "I'll get you only the finest," Jungkook says eyes detecting your nervous behaviour. You watch him cautiously and he looks at you with such desire held in his gaze that you are refraining yourself from running away at the discomposure and the lust that was salivating in your mouth for him. It was torture trying not to drool and ogle at the bachelor when he was just so delicious to look at in the first place.

"So, what do you do for a living now Jin?" Taehyung asks out of blue, his interest leaving you and Jungkook to instead interrogate Jin. You jump at the question subtly. Jin and Your best friend look at each other in almost recognisable panic as the question you all feared being asked came up sooner than you all anticipated. You clear your throat, feeling yourself get frightened at the question being asked so early into the introductions that you are fervently trying to come up with a lie. "We work for a writing company. We're publishers. We had so much paperwork today we thought we could use a break and grab a couple of drinks." Jin intervenes in a hurry with something you thought was not believable but ended up not being picked up by Jungkook or his friends. You were all wearing office clothing which made sense. Jimin hands you a cup of champagne with a cherry in the bottom of it. You thank him quietly before taking slow slips of the bubbly alcoholic beverage. Jimin smiles at you fondly before proceeding to pore everyone else a drink.

"Kim Seokjin, son of one of the most successful and richest surgeons in the world is working at a publishing company," Taehyung exclaims questionably raising an eyebrow at Jin. Jin clears his throat before nodding. "Yeah…I chose to do something different from my father." He says forcing a smile at Taehyung. Yoongi and Hoseok nod their head in a supportive manner at Jin’s response. “I thought you were going to become a doctor like the rest of your family. It’s so you to do something completely different though. Good luck with everything man.” Taehyung says raising his glass to Jin as he slouches on the couch he was sitting on. “Yeah, thanks Tae. Good luck with acting.” Jin beams at him, mimicking his actions of raising his glass in praise.

Jungkook watches you diligently as you watch the pair converse stiffly. “You have all worked hard. It’s time for you all to relax and enjoy yourselves.” Jungkook says as he accepts the champagne handed to him by Jimin with a slight nod of acknowledgement. Every movement he made screamed class and you were living for all of it. “That doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.” Yoongi jokes picking up his own glass placed in front of him. "Cheers," Taehyung exclaims as you all clank your glasses together. “To another night of endless drinking and bad decisions!” Hoseok suddenly adds, lightening the mood. You all glance at one another smiling and laughing before bringing your glasses to your lips, your eyes meet Jungkook’s again and you almost choke on your drink at the quick subtle wink sent your way.

It was an amateurish mistake getting drunk in front of famous and from what you heard ruthless millionaires or billionaires, you didn’t know nor did you really care. You just knew they were famous and educated bachelors from rich families that really liked to spend their money and spent a lot of their time doing stupid and illegal shit. From what started off as a tense and almost death binding situation became a rather enjoyable and interesting environment as Jungkook poured you drink after drink. Jin and his girlfriend ended up getting lost into a card game against Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok and Jimin. While you became undeniably drunk off the expensive champagne Jungkook was pouring you and off of Jungkook himself. It wasn't just the drinks that you got you tipsy it was the way he smiles, touched and kissed you.

Only a few people can kiss a dangerous mafia member and live to tell the tale. Jungkook’s touches set your skin ablaze as he runs his tongue around your parted lips. You wanted to have him to yourself at that very moment and no one could convince you otherwise. Your grip on his blazer tightens as sees how much you want him with his onyx eyes. He cockily presses you impossibly closer against him. You release a shaky sigh at the feeling of his masculine physique that he was hiding under his clothes. You glance down at his chest, spotting tattoos hidden underneath his white faintly transparent dress shirt. There was no doubt in Jungkook's mind that you were his next motivation. He had to claim you tonight. He had to be the one to leave marks on your gorgeous skin and possibly if he felt like the part killing you.

It was a blur…how Jungkook ended up tongue deep into your mouth, ring covered cool fingers caressing your exposed thigh, as he pulls you impossibly close to his body causing goose bumps to appear on your skin and a shudder run down your spine. You drown in his scent and touch. It was electrifying. You were drowning in the scent of expensive cologne and the silky feeling of his lavish fabric. He pulls you flush against him, your hands running through his silky locks, he detaches himself from your lips temporarily to run sloppy kisses along the side of jaw and neck. A silent moan escapes past your lips and it was game over. Jungkook bites down onto your earlobe, making you automatically grip onto his shoulder tightly in response. You are breathing heavily against him as he swirls his sinful tongue around the side of your neck and the skin just behind your ear. "J-Jungkook." You weren't this type of person. The type to kiss a stranger you had just met in a club. The type to get so drunk you couldn't think or walk straight. The type to want to someone to claim you right in the middle of people filled VIP room. Jungkook was exhilarating in everything that he did to your body. The fear of him being a dangerous gang member leaving your thoughts the moment he touched you and laid eyes on you.

“Have you ever seen a matte black Lamborghini before baby?” He whispers in your ear and you shake your head ‘No.’ While biting onto your bottom lip in a pathetic attempt to hold back your erotic moans from escaping. “Do you wanna fuck in one?" Your eyes widened in shock, as he moves his hand to cup your heat. You glance at the people in the room with you completely stunned and horrified by what he was doing to you in a room full of people. The others are completely immersed in their card game that they have completely dismissed both you and Jungkook’s presence. You stiffen up as Jungkook, slides your underwear to the side without anyone noticing. Panting heavily against him, you grasp in hand in a pathetic attempt to still him which becomes futile after working magic against your sensitive nub. "Wait there's people-ah!" You tremble against him as he works you past the breaking point. "Do you wanna fuck in one or not babe? Just so you know I won’t be taking no for an answer." Jungkook growls as he sucks onto the side of your neck. "I might just have to pick you up and take you against your will." He groans as he rubs against you at a harder and faster pace than he was working you before. "W-Why bother asking me t-then?” You pant and moan as Jungkook teasingly kisses you on the side of your mouth, making you release another wanton moan. "What was that sweetheart? I couldn't hear past your sexy moans?" He teasingly whispers against your neck, making a shiver run down your spine. He smirks before biting your neck. “J-Just,” His teeth gently tugging on the skin with his teeth. "Show me your fucking car."

“Right this way, Princess.”

Jungkook wraps his large hand around your frail trembling one. “I’m not afraid anymore. I want this. I want him.” You chant in your head as Jungkook leans in for another passionate kiss against your now swollen lips. You kiss him back eagerly and without a second thought and Jungkook pulls you swiftly back up to your feet. You both continue to kiss and Jungkook begins to walk you backwards until your back makes contact with a wall in the booth. The cool wall against your warm skin makes you shiver and Jungkook admires your trembling with penetrating dark hooded eyes. You feel fire burn in your stomach as his large greedy hands grope your ass. “You…are… so fucking… addicting.” He harshly whispers between kisses and you smile against his lips. Feeling more self-confident than before. It must be the expensive liquor he was compelling you to consume. “You are not so bad yourself.” You whisper, breaking the intoxicating kiss to look him square in the eyes. Jungkook feels his heart pound against his chest as you adorably smile up at him.

“You’re fascinating you know that?” He unconsciously smiles back down at you with genuine appreciation. He hasn’t felt so content in having someone against him the way you are with him now. He feels adoration for you swell up in his cold heart, filling it with a new sense of warmth he has never felt before. Your heart hammers in your chest as you wrap your arms around his neck. “No. not really but there is one thing I know for sure right now and it’s that I want you so…so fucking bad.” You mutter quietly before pressing your lips firmly against his lips once again. You were never this bold. Never. It must have been the alcohol talking and dangerously revealing your hidden desires. Jungkook is the one this time to form a satisfied smile against your lips as his hands move up from your butt to grip your hips tightly instead. Your anxiety wasn’t there to ruin your night for the first time in a long time and you feel yourself craving him more and more.

Jimin watches the two of you silently from the corner of his eyes with a slight twinge of jealousy. Taehyung, Yoongi, Jin, Hoseok and your best friend are too caught up in their card game to notice what was escalating between you and Jungkook. Jimin, however, was watching the entire thing. Jimin silently averts his gaze back to the game but from the corner of his eye again, he sees Jungkook eagerly pulling you out of the room. “Come on it’s your turn chim chim! Stop getting distracted!” Taehyung exclaims clearly intoxicated and without saying anything Jimin focuses back to his game. “You okay? You look kind of out of it.” Yoongi whispers leaning towards Jimin. "Couldn't be better," Jimin assures him as he glances down at the cards sprawled out in his hands. “H-Hey w-where is…where’s…” Jin murmurs without anyone really noticing or paying attention.

“Where’s (Y/n)?”

With every step, you both take, you felt fire ignite in your belly. The hungry and jealous stares being directed your way which would normally make you feel self-conscious and intimidated made you feel empowered instead. Bodies grind on you as you and Jungkook try to squeeze out of the busy and jam-packed club. You ignore the endless murmurs and glares sent your way and Jungkook turns back to glance at you. When your eyes meet, your heart accelerates at the adrenaline of emotions swerving through your veins. His hands tighten and you feel oddly safe at that very moment. The anticipation of what was going to happen once you both leave Full Moon made you nervous. Jungkook raises an eyebrow at you before tugging his lip into a breathtakingly beautiful smile. You could care less about the jealous and nosy people around you. All you wanted was to be with Jungkook. Jungkook smirks down at you sexily before lowering his head to whisper into your ear.

“I can’t wait to leave this place and get my fucking hands on you. You have no idea how good I’m going to please you tonight baby girl.”

You bite back another lewd moaning from escaping past your swollen lips as you grip onto Jungkook’s shoulder roughly. “Jungkook please don’t stop!” You cry out in ecstasy as he slides his rough fingers in and out of your heat. You are both pressed up against his Lambo too preoccupied with pleasing each other to actually get into the vehicle. "You like that?" Jungkook asks smirking, as he peppers sensual kisses against the side of your neck and collarbones as he curls his fingers inside you to hit your g-stop. You moan loudly in response, feeling tears form at the corner of your eyes from the pleasure he was giving you. “You like that?” He asks again a suggestive smirk form on his lips as he moves his head back to observe your pleasured expression from a better angle. You glance down at him with an expression of complete ecstasy written all over your face. He grins in satisfaction knowing he was the cause of your pleasure. Another loud moan escapes you before you finally realise you were both in a very public location. Your eyes widen as you glance around the parking lot, praying and hoping that no one sees the nasty shit that the both of you were doing in public. “J-Jungkook let’s just get into the car!” You exclaim curling your fingers in his hair as he sucks more marks on the side of your neck. “But it’s so nice out tonight. You see how pretty that full moon is babe?” He teasingly whispers onto your skin, making you shudder as warm breath cascades over your sensitive skin just under your ear. He places his hot tongue flat against your neck licking another stripe up your neck, loving the way your pulse throbbed speedily beneath his tongue. You shut your eyes as you felt your heart rate increase from what he was doing to you and the fear of being caught.

"Jungkook p-people c-can see…us. L-Let's just go to your place!" You mutter between moans as he pumps his fingers a tiny bit harder and faster. “Hm, but I asked you a question babe?” He begins to unbutton the top of your collared white shirt with one hand as you shake against him from the pleasure he was making you feel. You hear a group of people laughing as they walk into the parking lot. Your eyes widen in fear as you tighten your hold on him. If they turn around they could easily see you and Jungkook. Jungkook dismisses them completely and continues his torture to your heat. “J-Jungkook there’s people baby there’s people-AH!” You cry out as his thumb presses onto your clit with the right amount of pressure and he begins to do circular motions making your body jolt with added pleasure. “Don't pay attention to anything else but me baby." He orders you while removing his hands off your shirt buttons temporarily to grip your chin between his fingers tightly forcing you to look at him. Just by pure luck, the bass dropped inside the club, successfully muffling your moans from being heard by the group. You scream in bliss as he begins to pump his fingers harder in and out of you. “You didn't answer me yet, baby, do you like what I'm doing to you or not?” He asks you seductively before sucking hickeys on the top of breast peeking out from your bra, as his fingers work to unbutton the rest of your shirt with his free hand that was previously holding your chin.

“Yes! I like it so fucking much.” You exclaim, threading your fingers through his sleek dark brown hair once again. Jungkook hums in appreciation to your response, before tugging your shirt out of your pencil skirt. You release his hair temporarily, as he pulls fingers out of your heat and you sigh in displeasure when you clench around nothing. Jungkook detaches himself from you to throw your shirt into the front seat of his vehicle. It took only a more few seconds to have Jungkook, sliding two fingers back into your heat eagerly. The people leave without noticing the both of you and you moan even louder as he begins to pump his fingers in and out at a rapidly fast pace. “AH!! DON’T STOP! PLEASE DON’T STOP!” You cry out as you grip on his shoulder tightly. “You should see how fucking filthy you look right now. You look so fucking hot baby.” He murmurs sexily, before adding a third finger and increasing his pace. “I’m so close!” You shout in pleasure. “Yeah? Cum for me then babe.” He urges as he continues to suck hickeys on top of your chest and breasts. You cry out in pleasure, as you tremble against him uncontrollably. Your release hitting you harder than it ever has before. You pant against him as your eyes roll back and he looks at down at you with such passion that you felt fire swimming through your veins. You come around his fingers as he works out of your first orgasm. He smiles against your skin, before peppering one final kiss on your neck. Your mind is in a daze as he pulls his soaked fingers out of you slowly before reaching for the car handle. You hear a click before the butterfly car door of the luxury matte back Lamborghini swings upwards.

“Get in.”

So far up to this point of the night and you were getting to know Jungkook. Your first impression of him made you think that he wasn’t so bad. That was until he drove his Lambo that is. You grip onto the car handles for your dear life as he speeds through red lights, making the matte black Lamborghini fly through the city like crazy. The Lambo lit a profound purple colour on the inside, making his already gorgeous side profile look even more dashing alongside the illuminated lights. You hold your shirt to your chest with your free hand to cover yourself. Your eyes are blown wide as your breathlessly gasping for air in terror. “J-Jungkook… d-don’t you think you’re going a bit um fast?” You timidly question him as you keep your eyes glued to the road. Jungkook smirks watching you from his peripheral vision as he holds the leather steering wheel with one hand only. "Don't tell me that your scared baby girl? I thought you were fiercer than that." The engine shrieks as he presses onto the accelerator even harder, practically slamming his entire right foot against the pedal. Your breath hitches in your throat from shock as your back hit the seats from the sudden escalation of speed and he chuckles quietly to himself at your cute response. The wind from the cool night blows your hair back and you shiver from both fright and excitement as he flashes down on the high way. “No…Of course not.” You meekly reply as your grip on the side handle tightens. He smirks at you before changing lanes back and forth like he’s in a game of GTA to beat the traffic. He drives with well-defined skill and without any sense of restraint.

"Hm. You make such an exquisite face when you're scared (Y/n). It's truly intriguing " He says turning his head to face you briefly. You feel your heart skip a beat when your eyes meet his confident and assured ones. "I trust you.” You say beaming up at him and Jungkook is almost taken aback by your genuine response. “I’m the last person you should trust sweetheart.” Your smile leaves him so flustered that he resorts to rolling down his window to get some of the fresh late night air to cool down his flushed cheeks. “Maybe so, but I still want to trust you anyway.” You say gingerly as you take in his gorgeous features, momentarily dismissing the rapid speed his vehicle was going. “You honestly say the most absurd shit.” The adrenaline kicking makes you release the handle and enjoy the fast ride. “I don’t really mind it.” Jungkook smiles as he continues to speed through the city, the ride now becoming enjoyable as you laugh at the overwhelming feelings of attraction overshadowing your fear.

Jungkook looked absolutely stunning, as the wind blows through his chestnut silky parted hair, displaying his forehead. His face is displaying self-assurance and contentment as he drives his luxury car haphazardly. You couldn’t help but watch him, you couldn’t take your eyes off of him. He was so entertaining and assertive that you felt kind of jealous of him. He remained confident in himself. He had everything in his personality that you were lacking. You didn't know if the self-love and confidence he displayed were his true feelings or if he was faking it all. He was just so good at everything he did. That he made you instantly fall head over heels for him. Jungkook senses your gaze and looks at you smiling from ear to ear. Your eyes widen slightly before you are plastering on a fake smile that is futile and does little to nothing to hide your deepest feelings of self-hatred. Jungkook’s smile almost instantly vanishes at your lifeless gaze. He sees through your disguise and places the hand that was resting on his thigh onto the top of your head. Your eyes widen in shock at the comforting pat to your head. “If you’re gonna be lost in thought, can it at least be of me fucking your fucking brains out tonight when we get back to my place.”

You feel heat rush to your core at his response. He smirks as you flush under his heated gaze. "How much longer?" You ask turning your head to look out of the window in embarrassment. "Not very long at all baby. Not very long.” He says making an exit out of the highway into a path that seemed to be heading to the middle of nowhere. "Jungkook?" You turn to face him in slight fear. Could he be kidnapping you? Was he going to kill you and hide your dead body in the middle of nowhere? Countless merciless thoughts consume your attention, making Jungkook chuckle at your moment of panic. "Don't panic just yet baby girl," Jungkook smirks at you before motioning for you to look in front of you. "We're here." Your eyes widen in shock at the enormous mansion in front of you. "Welcome to the Jeon residence (L/N) (Y/N)," Jungkook says coolly as you star struck over the most gorgeous house you ever laid eyes upon. "T-This is your place?" You frantically ask Jungkook, as he reaches out of his car window to press a button. "Yeah well, it's one of them," Jungkook answers you with a sly wink. Your mouth falls agape at his response.

How many properties like this does he own? Can you make this much money selling drugs?

“This is the Jeon residence. Who do we have the pleasure of conversing with?” A voice speaks from the intercom. Your attention still being on the house made you jump a little at the sudden voice coming out of nowhere from the intercom.

“It’s me. Open the gate.” Jungkook says strictly as he straightens up in his seat. "Welcome back Master. Right away." The voice says before the gold-plated gate opens quickly. You watch the gate make a path and Jungkook bites back smile at the flabbergasted expression on your face. As soon as Jungkook speeds to the front of the mansion, there’s a chauffeur waiting for him at the front who opens the door for elegantly, before catching Jungkook’s car keys frantically after Jungkook threw them at him carelessly not even bothering to look where they land. "Park it next to the Bentley," Jungkook says casually before the chauffeur bows in response. "This house is way too big! T-This is actually a fucking mansion! Wait- you live here alone?” You question him hurriedly in amazement while taking the whole house in of its glory. Jungkook chuckles, before intertwining your hands together. “I actually live here with my Family.” The sudden skin to skin contact leaves you flushing in embarrassment and you are quick to tighten your hold onto his hand, fingers threaded together. You both maintain eye contact while his lips tug up on the side into a strikingly handsome smirk. “I wouldn’t want you running away or getting lost.” He says placing an affectionate kiss to the back of your palm. "I wouldn’t even dream of running away.” You chuckle feeling butterflies form in your stomach at the fondness and attention he was giving you. You feel yourself throb for him as the heat of your first intense orgasm lingers, his eyes darken faintly as he tightens his grip on your hand.

“Oh, after you figure out what I’m going to do to you, you might.” He says casually before flashing you a dazzling smile with a wink. You bite onto your bottom lip in anticipation as he opens the front door. “After you.” He says assertively, gesturing you politely to take a step inside the mansion. The massive front doors creak open and you nod timidly before taking a vigilant step through the front door and what it revealed inside left you even more dumbfounded than you were before. “Welcome back Master!” a room full of servants greet the two of while bowing in perfect sync and order. They all looked extremely timid and stiff as they present themselves with cautiousness and well-mannered demeanour in front of Jungkook. Jungkook doesn’t even glance or acknowledge the attentive staff before waving them away. "Leave us be," Jungkook says firmly making them all nod their heads quickly and scatter off in all kinds of different directions after bowing again elegantly, trying their hardest to get away from Jungkook’s presence as fast as physically possible.

“Wow…So all these people serve you?” You ask him, as he leads up the long flight of marble stairs. "Yes, baby girl. They all work for me and my family.” He shrugs indifferently, making you raise an eyebrow in response. “That’s crazy. I can’t imagine having that much people serving me.”

"Oh, I'll serve you so good baby girl. So good, that you won’t be needing anybody else.” He says with a husky voice so enticingly erotic, you feel every fibre in your body jump in expectation. He detaches himself from you before roughly pushing you inside a massive room which must have belonged to him once you both reach the top of the stairs. You scream with a start at the sudden rough push to your body. Your fingers detach from his instantly as you stagger into his large room. Jungkook watches you stumble into the room making him sneer maliciously in response. Trying your best to keep your balance in your heels. Immediately you got the bad boy vibe from how he carried himself and his persona. You quickly glance around the luxurious room and you almost gasp at the expensive interior and spacious size. The room practically screamed Jungkook from its dark colour coordination to his rich feeling silk sheets. It had a walk-in closet, a balcony, a bathroom, game machinery that look like they belong in an arcade, a gym and many more completely extra shit. You spot large monitors on the side of his room with gaming headsets. “This is your room? It’s a separate house in itself." You mutter as you turn your body to face Jungkook. He loosens his collared shirt as he bites his bottom lip while walking through his doorway. “Yeah. It’s pretty impressive.” He checks you out from head to toe and is quick to be back by your side. You instantly notice his change in persona, the polite and attentive Jungkook now nowhere to be seen. He holds your chin turning you to face him and pulls you into another breathtaking kiss that leaves you feeling weak in the knees. His hold on your body is strong and secure as he holds you upright.

The shirt that was flimsily placed back on you gets instantly ripped off, as his rough fingers make contact with the bottom of it. You swore you heard a rip coming from the material, but you couldn’t care less at that very moment. Jungkook’s desirous hands grope and glide across every curve of your body. His kisses were intoxicatingly breath-taking and experienced. “Why am I not getting sick of kissing you?” He teasingly whispers as he walks you back, pressing you against his large pool table. “I wonder.” You murmur in response sending him a playful smile before you both pull apart briefly and you practically rip off his expensive vest and dress shirt. He smirks at your enthusiasm and lets you undress him keenly. Your eyes widen in shock at the rock hard abs and honey coloured skin he was hiding underneath, with even more sexy tattoos sprawled across his sides and chest. Your unbelievably needy at this point and Jungkook smirks down at you so erotically that your breath hitches in your chest at his attractiveness. This guy was oozing with so much sex appeal that it was insane. “Please just take me.” You murmur in desperation and Jungkook chuckles before unbuckling his belt. "Oh, I will." He murmurs as tenses his body to accentuate his lean muscles.

“Like what you see baby?” He growls, pushing your body even harder against the cold hardwood of his table, as he drowns in your scent and soft flesh overwhelming his senses completely. You nod your head sternly, your eyes staying glued to his rock hard abs and honey skin. “Yeah? Cause I know I do. Damn.” He says placing wet kisses down your neck retracing his previous steps and admiring his marks that he left on your skin at the carpark. Your chest rises and falls with every deep breath you take and Jungkook admires that. You gulp in anticipation as his rough fingers glide over your bra strap, slowly moving the fabric down and he continues his sensual kisses onto the newly exposed skin. Your fingers run through his hair as you take in every single one of Jungkook’s actions, trying to lock them deep into your memory. Jungkook sucks another hickey before practically ripping your bra off of you.

You hear a soft “fuck” leaving his lips as he takes in your breasts, before latching onto your left nipple. You moan out loud in both pain and pleasure while your hands grab at his tattooed arms. As he sucks and tugs onto your delicate flesh and nipple his hands grasp both your breasts squeezing them with just the right amount of pressure. Making your back arch off the table. He gives the right nipple the same attention as the left before one of his hands slides down your body teasingly. “You are so good at this!” You screech as he makes contact with your swollen clit. “You haven’t seen anything yet.” He replies teasingly, keeping eye contact with you as he slides pencil skirts zipper down painstakingly slow. “Please hurry up Jungkook.” You groan at his deliberate slow pace which makes him smile friskily down at you in response. Usually, this sort of response from a woman sent him haywire. He did not like people rushing him or commanding him in any shape or form but Jungkook didn’t really seem to mind it coming from you.

“I just want to take my time undressing you while admiring your beauty.” Your whole body flushes at his sly comment and you mentally curse him for always knowing what to say to get you riled up. Once it hits the floor, you push Jungkook off of you with as much force as you could muster, knowing he was much stronger than you. He barely moves back an inch at the force of your push but for your sake moves back anyway watching you with slight confusion perceptible in his dark onyx eyes. You smirk up at him coyly before falling down onto your knees in front of him. His confusion is quickly wiped away by an assertive smile and he threads his rough fingers through your hair instantly when he realises what you were up to. You can see him through his dress pants and he watches you in a mixture of both complete disbelief and amusement. You look up at him as if you were asking for permission and he nods his head impatiently in response, his fingers threading into your hair harsher and you smile at the suggestive tug to your locks, hands reaching to pull down his zipper. His pants fall to the ground quickly without anything there to hold the trousers on his amazing body.

You bite back a gasp at how big and hard he looked through his underwear. The outline of his length protruding and thick as well as how defined and muscular his thighs were. “Shit…” You mutter before feeling him over his underwear. “I think I’m the one with the better view here between the two of us.” Jungkook sheepishly murmurs, his eyes hooded as he peers down at you. Admiring you just in your underwear with your breast bare. “We’ll see about that.” You mutter looking up at him through your lashes, before tugging his underwear down and you move your head back quickly to avoid being hit in the face by his impressively large and thick cock. You hum in pleasure at the size and he ushers you with a suggestive smile to take him in your mouth.

“Come on baby girl…give it a taste.” Jungkook guides you while threading his fingers through your locks once again, completely messing up your hair but keeping your hair from falling onto your gorgeous face. “Gladly.” You whisper, before placing a kitten lick to his leaking tip. It had been so long since you got laid that you felt the excitement as you lick a slow long stripe from the base of his shaft to the tip. "F-Fuck." Jungkook moans, tightening his grip on your hair. "Take your panties off baby girl and pleasure yourself while you suck my cock.” You immediately obey sliding off your panties, before licking your fingers and circling your clit while simultaneously sucking his large cock. “Just like that baby…” Jungkook growls as you bob your head faster while hallowing your cheeks to suck even harder. “Take me into your mouth. Just like that.” You moan with a cock filled mouth and Jungkook forces you harder onto his shaft, making his tip brush against the back of your throat.

You groan at the force but try your best to not gag around his dick as he practically begins to face fuck your mouth. Your mascara and eyeliner begin to smudge at the corner of your eyes as the tears begin to pour down your face. Leaving a trail of streak marks as you keep one hand against his pelvis to steady yourself as your other hand stills against your clit, too focused on pleasing him instead and not gagging. “Keep touching yourself baby girl.” He orders as he slows down his pace, keeping his cock buried into your mouth. You hum in response as you begin to move your fingers hastily on your clit. Bringing yourself close to your second release of the night. Jungkook sees you panting and twitching and is quick to wrap his hand roughly around you locks before tugging you hard by the hair to pull you off his dick. You cry out in pain and he smirks down at you in response. Completely disregarding your disappointed look on your face from being stripped away from another orgasm. His eyes are following the trickle of saliva running down your chin and dripping onto your bare hickey covered breasts.

“I told you to pleasure yourself but I never said to make yourself cum. I’ll be the one make to you cum. You got that?” He strictly pronounces without any hint of playfulness in his lust filled eyes and you nod quickly not wanting to test his patience’s and letting him pull you back up to your feet by your hair. “I’m going to fuck you all night long and you’re going to let me.” You nod enthusiastically and he releases your hair to instead bend slightly to throw you over his shoulder like a rag doll. You cry out in fear as your body dangles on his shoulder. He smacks your ass hard before walking over to his large bed. He throws you onto his mattress and watches your body bounce up and down. Your hands feel at his silky expensive sheets and he smirks down at you before pulling off his Rolex watch and tossing it off to the side somewhere. You maintain eye contact with and him as he walks over to the edge of the bed. His cock standing tall as he grasps onto your feet before pulling your body down to the edge of his bed and slipping off your black heels.

“Let me fucking taste you baby.” Your breath hitches in your throat as drops onto his knees. “You are fucking glistening so beautifully.” He teasingly states as he looks up at you holding your gaze. Your chests rise and fall in anticipation as he bends down to lick a stripe up your heat, his tongue brushing onto your clit. Your back arches off the bed and he smirks before continuing to eat you out like he was a starved animal. Moan after moan leaves you as you grab at his sheets, clutching them tightly. The pleasure causing tears to well up in your eyes once again, making your eye make-up smear even more. “Jungkook!!” You scream his name like a mantra and he lives for every second of it. “That’s it. Say my name.” You cry out in pleasure and he growls in response doubling his efforts before sliding two fingers back into your dripping entrance. He rushes you into your second orgasm of the night embarrassingly quickly and he watches you tremble and shudder against his now drenched sheets. You continue to twitch and exhale in pleasure as he works you out of your high.

“Look at the fucking mess you made.” He chuckles, his chin and lips covered in your juices and you flush at his comment. Your eyes snap open at his comment and you quickly lift yourself up against his mattress onto your elbows. You stare down at him and the mess you made mortified. “I-I’ve never d-done that before.” You shyly murmur and he chuckles bending down to lick up the rest of your release before kissing his way up your body sensually. “Don’t be embarrassed. That was so fucking hot. I am going to make you feel things you’ve never felt before baby. I’ll give you a taste of what it’s to be with me…but first taste how fucking amazing you taste on my tongue.” He pushes his tongue into your mouth, allowing you to taste yourself on his tongue and you let him kiss you like no tomorrow. The kiss continues to get heated and you let your tongues collide together again and again. “Jungkook please…please fuck me.” You practically beg once he pulls away slightly. Leaving only a short distance between the two of you. “Please Jungkook,” You look up at him with lust filled eyes and he growls in response.

“How badly do want it?” His curt questions leave you baffled and sexually frustrated. "So fucking bad…please, Jungkook, fuck me, baby, please-"

“Hm, I'm not really convinced." He hums, purposely brushing his rock hard cock against your dripping entrance. You clench around nothing and sigh in frustration. "I want you so fucking bad Jungkook, please I want you to fuck me all night with your big cock, I want you to fuck me hard and stretch me out, use me to get yourself off, I have never wanted to sleep with someone so bad, I want you to fuck my brains out as you promised me Jungkook please, please I want your cock inside me so bad baby-”

“You want me that badly? Well, I better give you what you want baby girl."

You almost gasp at the feeling of his hard cock brushing against your dripping entrance. He watches you favourably and pushes just the tip of his length into you. You quickly clench onto him and moan out loud at the stretch. “F-Fuck you’re so big.” You cry out as he hastily pushes the rest of his thick and long cock in barely giving you time to adjust to his size. You feel yourself being stretched further than you have ever been stretched before. Your mouth falls open at the feeling and you both moan at the pleasant stretch. "And you're so fucking tight. What the fuck? When was the last time you’ve been fucked?” He questions you with a moan as he pulls his hip back before snapping them forward, essentially pounding his hard length back into you firmly and powerfully. It has honestly been a long time since the last time you have had sex and this was definitely giving you more pleasure than your fingers were. You release moan after moan as he continues to stick by his words and fuck your brains out.

He continues pulling his hips back and then thrusting back inside you hard with a satisfying husky groan. He has your back arching and your falling agape with every hard snap of his pelvis. You feel your body sucking him back up and deep inside, his length brushing against all the right places. He growls and grunts sexily as he continues to pound you into his mattress. “You take my cock so fucking well baby.” You reach your arms out to press against the headboard to give you some stability but your efforts become futile as he continues to pound into you faster and harder, hitting that one spot that drives you crazy every time. “Jungkook oh my god!” You moan breathlessly as shoves his whole length hard and deep inside you, stilling himself as you clench and unclench snugly around his length. Your whole body shaking at the pleasure you were feeling. “Jungkook…” You moan his name as you peer up at him with glistening tear-filled eyes. “Fuck baby.” He grunts while imprinting your face and exquisite pleasured expression into his mind as he starts to move his hips again. His large cock once again sliding against your walls wonderfully. Your wetness dripping out of your entrance soaking his sheets with every thrust.

“You look so fucking sexy right now.” He growls hovering over you, admiring the way your face contorts with pleasure with every snap of his pelvis. "Right t-there Jungkook! Fuck! Right there!" You chant as he grips your hips harder, pulling your body down to meet him halfway. The hard pounding to your g-spot leaves you seeing stars and you trembling again as your back arches off his bed and your sensitive nipples make contact with his solid hard chest. You knew you were going to be so sore after this and probably covered in bruises but you honestly didn’t care. He completely ruined you with his rough thrusts, bite marks and hickey covered skin. Not so secretly thought you were loving every second of it. He lets go of one of your hips to press his fingers against your swollen and abused clit.

"Y-You fuck me so well." You cry out as Jungkook continues to assault your g-spot. “Jungkook!” Your eyes roll back as he rubs your clit and the sensation as you on cloud9 as he pounds into you faster. “J-Jungkook s-shit!” You scream in ecstasy as you tighten around his length feeling the familiar bubbling of your release approaching in your belly. He was stimulating you in every way possible. “I-I’m close! P-Please d-don’t stop!” You order him and he smirks down at you sexily. Sweat dripping down his forehead as he intertwines his fingers on your hip with your own. “I’m not planning on it.” You moan loudly, your high hitting you even harder than it has the first time he pushed you past your breaking point before. Jungkook removes his hand off your clit to wrap his fingers around your neck instead. Applying the right amount of pressure and slightly cutting off your airways. Your breath hitches in your throat and you never knew being choked was something that was going to turn you on as much as it did. “Look at you, you little filthy bitch. Taking my cock so fucking well.” He grunts choking you harder. You gasp and tighten around his length as your orgasm was quickly approaching. You silently scream in pleasure as you feel yourself being thrown over the edge once again. Your whole body shuddering at the overwhelming sensation. You release onto his sheets and lower stomach. “Fuck you did It again baby.” He grunts loving the way your face is contorting in pleasure. “So fucking hot.” He mutters as he watches you tremble and shake violently underneath him, tightening extremely tightly around his cock.

“F-Fuck! I’m gonna cum.” Jungkook exclaims as he releases into you, painting your walls. His seeds filling you up. He continues to ram his cock into you, successfully milking himself of his cum. You groan at the overstimulation of him thrusting into you and hitting your abused g-spot. “Jungkook stop please” You whimpered and he shushes you quietly in response. You flinch and twitch as he begins to rub your clit hard and fast. You scream in both discomfort and overstimulation. “J-Jungkook baby I can’t cum again!” You exclaim, feeling the familiar feeling of an orgasm arising in your belly. “Come, baby, just one more. Cum one more time for me.” Your scream as your last orgasm hits you. It does not hit you as hard as the rest of your orgasm of the night but it is enough to leave you with goosebumps and feeling so unbelievably pleasured. You both breathlessly stay in the same position trying to steady your breathing while still being connected and sweaty from the aftermath of a passionate night of love-fucking and rough fucking. You have a gut feeling that he's staring at you and your pleasantly surprised when you snap your eyes open to be greeted by his blissful and content smiling face. He stares at you silently. Chest falling and rising as he takes his fingers off your neck, relishing on the way your skin flushed after the intense love-making you both shared. He observes your completely wrecked form in delight. Loving the way his fingers on neck left a red mark and he moves his hands down your body keeping them locked against your hips instead. You stare up at him bashfully as he continues to observe you. You felt completely vulnerable and bare in front Jungkook as he makes no effort to move from his position even with his now limp dick still buried deep inside you filled with his cum. You couldn’t imagine how messy he made you. You felt only slightly self-conscious as he continues to gawk at you.

“That was… probably the best… sex… I’ve ever had.” You state chuckling between heavy intakes of air as he snorts softly at the comment. "Well, I'm glad because it was…supposed to be your last.” The last part of his sentence gets trapped in his head and he does not physically have the ability to say the words out loud. "Because It was what?" You ask smiling up at him and he shakes his head calmly returning your smile. "Because it was mine too." He says before bending down to capture your lips into another passionate kiss. Jungkook kisses you aggressively with every ounce of strength he had left. You were like a drug giving him energy as he felt the desire to take you all over again. His right hand moves slowly under the pillow next to you. You were completely immersed in the kiss to realise what he was doing. Jungkook's warm hand makes contact with the cool knife located under the pillow. His hand grasped it as he waits for the usual urge to slice your throat open. The kiss is progressing getting sloppier and intimate as your tongues dance against each other. Jungkook is baffled as he feels no motivation to kill you. He releases the knife, choosing to wrap his fingers into your soft locks once again instead. You moan into his mouth at the soft tug to your locks and you cup his face urging him to deepen the kiss. Jungkook sighs into your mouth in response. One of his hands sliding down your body sweaty body.

He breaks the kiss, eyes lingering onto your content fucked out expression. Even though your hair was a mess, your make up was ruined and smeared he swore he has never seen anything more beautiful in his life. No expensive car, no paycheck, no drugs could give the rush you gave him. He felt defeated by you in his own wicked game. The urge to kill you never arising in his heart for the first time in a long time. "Would you like to take a shower?" He whispers sensually brushing soothing circles over the skin by your hips with his thumb and you hum in response, eyes slimming into a radiant smile. "Are you going to join me in the shower?" You ask cheekily brushing your thumb against his cheek comfortingly, mimicking his motions on your hip. He smirks in response and places a quick peck on your neck, moving his hips back and pulling his length out of your heat. You both moan quietly at the feeling. You exhale in pleasure at the feeling of his cum leaking out of your entrance. "Of course I'm going to join you. It's my house after all. What kind of gentleman will I be if I do not fulfil my guests' wishes? Especially when she's this fucking fine." He purrs sexily raising an eyebrow at you making you sigh in desire at his suggestive response. "I don't think I can walk, to be honest. You really did live up to my expectations.” You utter sleepily, making him grin down at you. He moves to the side of the bed and picks up a phone placed on top of the bedside table. You watch him groggily and he glances at you before sending a cheeky wink your way, making you chuckle slightly, your greedy fingers gliding against his lean muscles.

“It’s me. I need a maid in here to change the sheets and bring in a pair of lady pyjamas in no less than five minutes.” Jungkook strictly orders on the phone before hanging up and placing it back on top of the bedside table. Your cheeks flush at his authoritarian attitude and the fact that the maids will know he slept with you and ruined his beautiful expensive sheets. He turns to back to you, smirking cockily at your embarrassed expression.

“Now about that shower.”

You fell onto the new fresh silky sheets on his bed completely wiped out and exhausted. You and Jungkook continued your sexual endeavours in the shower and he wasn't exactly an unfit person to get tired easily. It was so mortifying to know that ladies in his room could every single detail of what Jungkook was doing to you. It was hard keeping up with him but it was so damn worth it in the end. You feel your body ache everywhere and Jungkook chuckles and you feel his large bed dip as he plops down onto the bed beside you. "Tired baby?" He asks brazenly, making you hum in response. "You honestly never fully run out of energy do you?" You ask him not really expecting a proper answer. "Now that you mention it. I don't really think I do babe." He cheekily responds stroking your hair comfortingly. "Get some rest babe. I am a big sucker for morning sex." You flush at his words. “I could honestly fuck you all day and night.” His smirk never leaving his face. You hesitate to lean towards him, which would seem a little silly after being so intimate with him but you just didn't know if this a one-time thing and maybe he didn't see you as anything more than a typical one night stand. "Am I spending the night?" You ask cautiously and Jungkook's rested eyes fluttered open quickly after those words leave your lips. "Yeah. I don't want you going anywhere." He spoke sternly without any hint of hesitation which shocked you and himself secretly. He had never had anyone stay over before unless they were dead of course. The new side you were bringing out of him scared him deep down inside but he was so far gone for you that it seems to not matter anymore. He was becoming a little possessive in this sense though. "O-Okay."

You were beautiful even with your makeup gone and hair slightly damped after he dried it. Your skin glows and bloomed with his marks. His fingers twitched at his side as he felt an overwhelming desire to touch you and feel you again. "Come here." He ordered, lifting his sheets up slightly and you flush at the sight of his solid abs being exposed to your greedy eyes once again. Did he always sleep naked? You exhale quietly, feeling anxious as you slide across his bed, falling deep into the security of his strong arms.

“If Jeon Jungkook finds out were detectives were all going to fucking die tonight!”

Jungkook wraps his arms around you securely and your heart begins to pound against in your chest as Jin's previous words of warning begin to replay in your mind. You were pretty much sober now and fully aware of the position you were in. You look at Jungkook's face and sigh in relief when you noticed he was sound asleep. "This was wrong…so fucking wrong." The realisation of the situation started settling in and you feel your anxiety return on queue to mess with your ability to think rationally. "What the fuck have I done?" You whisper to yourself as you peer up at Jungkook's face in shame. You were completely overwhelmed by your reckless mistake.

Even though you felt strongly about Jungkook. It didn't change the fact that he was a drug dealer, part of a dangerous mafia group and possibility a murder. You were a detective. The complete opposite of him. You of all people should have known better than getting involved with someone like him, especially not intimately involved. You hear your phone vibrate in the corner of the room and you didn't realise that you had forgotten your bag in his Lamborghini the maids must have brought it up for you. You debated in your mind whether or not to sneak out or to just spend the night. You started thinking over your options and sneaking out without anyone noticing just didn't seem possible in a house full of servants. You were surely going to get caught. You make up your mind to just spend the night and leave in the morning. You hear your phone vibrate once again and you are now fully aware that someone is trying to contact you desperately. "Jin and (B/F/N) must be so worried about me". You thought to yourself as you slowly and discreetly untangle yourself from Jungkook's hold. He doesn't even as so much stir at your movements. You smile in relief that he was, in fact, a deep sleeper. You hold your breath as you tiptoe over to your bag placed against Jungkook's computer chair, silently pulling out your phone from the inside.

8 missed calls from Best Friend

5 missed calls from Jin

1 missed call from Kim Namjoon

You have several miss calls and texts messages from Jin and your best friend, along with a single missed call from Namjoon. You feel a bad feeling wash over you as you quickly begin to reply to your best friend’s texts messages. They have spammed you with how worried they were and how Jin was begging you come to the agency asap. Your eyes stay glued to Namjoon’s text message. He never contacts you this late unless it was something urgent. Your heart hammers in your chest as you unlock Namjoon’s message. Your fingers are trembling as you read his message your mind going haywire as you read through his long text message over and over again not believing what you were reading.

[Kim Namjoon]

3:35 am

Hey (Y/N) I'm sorry for contacting you this late at night but I got some leads on the case we are investigating. We found out that the killer is a guy in his early twenties. His father owns one of the most well-known mafia organisation in the world. They specialise in the illegal exportation of cocaine. He has killed multiple people throughout the years and some of his victims are not women. His last victim name was Scarlett Brooks, 22 years of age and she was last seen walking out of the club Full Moon last week Friday night around 12:30 am. We believe he goes by the name Jeon Jungkook. I have already contacted Jin and he is at the agency. I need you to get here as soon as possible. Once again sorry for contacting you so late.

You almost drop your phone in shock. You feel your chest grow cold in fear as tears well up in your eyes as you turn around hastily to glance back at Jungkook who was sleeping peacefully in his bed. He looks almost boyish as he snores quietly his chest rising and falling with every breath he takes. Your chest aches as you fight back tears. Your mind going crazy as you hurriedly try to collect your thoughts. How Jungkook do those horrible things to those innocent women? You used to think you had a good understanding of people and their inner intentions. How could you have given a blind eye to someone as heartless and merciless as Jungkook? Maybe Namjoon was wrong? It was a possibility. A very low possibility but still a possibility. You reminiscence on the way he held you and kissed you. There was no way it could be Jungkook. You felt a panic attack begin to start and you try your best calm yourself. It can't be. It can’t be Jungkook. Please don’t be Jungkook. Not Jungkook. You didn't know if you were being rational or naïve. For the first time in a long time, you weren't thinking like a professional but instead, you happened to be wishfully thinking.

[You]

4:10 am: I’ll be right there.

You reply back to him with a curt reply, your hands trembling as you type the message which is supposed to be simple but because of your shaky hands, it takes longer than usual. Your phone vibrates again in your hands and you open Jin's text message, biting onto your bottom lip in unease. You bite onto the flesh unknowingly hard, causing the skin to break and blood to come dripping out. The iron taste of blood leaves an unpleasant flavour in your mouth as you open Jin's newest text.

[Jin]

4:12 am: I know that you are with him…Jimin saw you guys leaving together. I know you might not believe me but It's him (Y/N). Jungkook's the killer. That ruthless killer that decapitated and dismembered those women and men! Please tell me your safe.

[You]

4:12 am: I just saw Namjoon's text message. I'm sorry for the late reply! I'll meet you back at the agency ASAP.

You quickly snap a reply to Jin as you gather your clothes debating whether or not to catch an Uber home. Your phone percentage was exceptionally low and you mentally cringe at the red percentage displaying that you had 20% battery left. You look at your ripped blouse in agitation. How the fuck were you going to escape without being noticed? You leave the silk pyjama shirt on your body but you change back into your pencil giving up on finding your bra is this very dark room only being lightened by a little light from the full moon outside. You throw your PJ pants into your purse and flinch in shock at the sudden vibration coming from your phone. You glance at your home screen while placing your free hand over your racing heart.

[Jin]

4:15 am: THANK GOODNESS YOUR OKAY!? WHERE ARE YOU?? DO YOU NEED ME TO PICK YOU UP??

4:15 am: We were so worried about you

you have no idea.

4:15 am: I'm sorry for not paying enough attention

[You]

4:16 am: I'm okay Jin! I shouldn't have left the club and made you guys worry. I'm sorry. I'm okay though and I'll meet you back at the agency.

[Jin]

4:17 am: Okay but promise me you'll call me or message me if anything happens? Just please be safe and be smart. Message me as soon as you get here.

[You]

4:17 am: I will! See you soon!

[Jin]

4:17 am: See you! Remember to message me if anything happens!

Once that message sends, you are quick to place your phone back into your purse quietly, trying your best to make as little noise as possible. You exhale shakily as you try your best to calm your nerves. You felt confused and conflicted after thinking about everything that has happened tonight with Jungkook. It's not like you just liked him because of sex appeal. You peep at Jungkook quietly walking over to the edge of his bed. His beautiful sleeping face was being illuminated faintly by the moon. He was so gorgeous. You instantly jump out of your trance when his face contorts in discomfort. It was almost as if he was in some kind of pain as he releases a grunt in his sleep. His chest begins to rise and fall at a faster pace as he inhales and exhales faster. Was Jungkook having a nightmare?

"Please forgive me father…," Jungkook mumbles as he begins moving his head from side to side. You feel your heart drop instantly at the anguish in his expression. You knew he was hurting. "Please father…don't…don't hurt me." He chokes out, his body now trembling slightly. Sweats build upon his forehead and you couldn't tolerate watching him suffering any longer. "J-Jungkook…" You stutter quietly while brushing his fringe out of his eyes gently. Jungkook instantly captures your hand, making you flinch in shock at his sudden contact. Your heart races as you think he has woken up. He continues to snore peacefully making you exhale in relief. It was so wrong caring for your enemy but you couldn't help it. You were acting by your heart, not your mind.

Getting out of the Jeon's residence was a struggle and so astonishingly stressful. The maids almost seem stunned at your presence. As if they were expecting you to be dead. You feel a chill run down your spine at the thought. You almost felt dirty. Even though you have already showered you wanted to take another. You wanted to remove every trace of Jeon Jungkook on your body. You walk past a large gold-framed mirror in the hall of the mansion. Your eyes almost popping out of your head at the numerous hickeys covering your neck and chest. What the fuck is Namjoon going to think if I show up like this? They were so obvious and dark. There was no way in hell you could show up to the agency looking like this.

“Oh, it’s you (Y/N).”

You jump in fear at the familiar voice coming from close behind you. You look back horrified as Park Jimin stands there with a smug expression on his face. He is still wearing the delectable attire that he was wearing at the club. He looks at you up and down. You flush in embarrassment as the catcalls at the sight of your hickey covered skin. "Looks like you and Jungkook got along quite well last night." There was a hint of teasing his statement that left you feeling almost ashamed at your reckless behaviour. "What is it Jimin?" You rushed him with the question as you gulp, turning your head stiffly as you avert your gaze to the clock hanging up by the stairs. It was well past 5 am and you couldn't believe he was still up at this time. "Are you in a rush sweetheart?" Jimin answers your question with a question of his own as he smirks at you. "No. Not at all." You curtly reply, averting your gaze back to his and he chuckles quietly. His eyes roaming your dishevelled appearance.

"Did you just get here?" You ask politely and he nods his head in response. "Yeah, I thought I'd stop by and see if you were still alive." Your eyes widen in shock at his statement and he chuckles quietly, pushing his hands into his pants pockets leisurely. "Just kidding sweetheart. No need to give me that look." He looked a little tipsy as he gazes at you with a suggestive smile. His cologne and the smell of alcohol clouds your senses and he is loving every second of your timid attitude. "Do you like Jungkook?" His question catches you off guard and you nod bashfully in response not wanting to make anything worse for yourself. "Well, …that's a shame. I really wanted to leave with you and give you some good Park Jimin head. I ain't messing with Jungkook's girls though. He'd probably shoot me, but if you ever get tired of him, I'm here and more than willing enough to give you some good dick." Jimin smirks and removes one of his hands from his trousers to cup your face in the palm of his hand gently. You stiffen at the sudden contact before taking a quick step back, creating some distance between you and Jimin. "I'm sorry Jimin but I-I really um have to go." You say hastily before twisting on your heels and bolting down the stairs of the mansion. You feel almost breathless as you make your escape. Your legs still excoriatingly sore from Jungkook's intense fucking, leaving you to feel a little unsteady on your feet. You feel Jimin's eyes glued to your back, making you want to escape faster. Jimin watches you leave with a wide grin plastered on his face. His phone vibrating in his pocket only captures his attention briefly. He reaches into his pocket before pulling out his phone and clicking the answer button.

“Hey Taehyung …yeah I just made it to Jungkook’s and you won’t believe it. The girl is still alive. (Y/N) is still alive.”

“Is she now? Well if she is alive…it probably won’t be for long.” Taehyung’s statement leaves Jimin slightly baffled. “What do you mean?”

“She does not work for a publishing company. Hoseok did some research and apparently, she's a detective. You are not going to believe who she works for…" There is silence on the line now after Jimin registered the new given information.

“Who is it?”

“She works for Kim Namjoon.”

"Hey, you made it!" Jin exclaims as immediate relief washes over him and he races over to you when you push open the agencies door. It was now approximately two hours after you left the Jeon residence which was an actual pain in the ass to leave considering there was people guarding the gate and no one really wanted to wake up Jungkook to ask him for permission to allow you to leave. After about 30 minutes of back to back chitchat between you and the guards, you were allowed to leave. "Jin! I'm so sorry!" You sob running into his arms and he pats your back comfortingly. "Don't apologise! I'm just glad you're okay." You both pull back from the brief embrace, gazing at each other with a warm smile. "Thanks, Jin…I promise I'll make it up to you and (b/f/n)!" You murmur, feeling guilt wash over you. "No seriously it's okay! We're both just glad that you're safe-"

Jin’s words seem to be getting distance as you ponder on what Jungkook was doing right now. The whole Uber ride you couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook. It was like he was consuming you in every way possible and you couldn't shake the thought of him out of your head. You pondered if he has woken up yet and what he would think when he saw you missing. His presence lingers. Your muscles were sore and your heat was still aching. Memories of Jungkook staying imprinted in your mind and you secretly didn’t want to forget anything that has happened with Jungkook.

“(Y/N) you have arrived.” Namjoon’s stern voice echoes throughout the agencies entrance and you fix your posture immediately as soon as your in his presence. “I-I’m sorry for being late Mr Kim.” You apologise in a dejected tone as you place a hand against the side of your neck to cover a few marks left on your skin by Jungkook without being too obvious. Jin’s eyes widen in shock at the hickeys peeking out of your shirt. "We'll talk in here." Namjoon barely pays your timid attitude any mind as he ushers both you and Jin into his office. "You couldn't get yourself a turtleneck before you came?" Jin teasing whispers in your ear as you both follow behind Namjoon. "Shut up." You spat at him as he looks at you with a shit eating grin. "At least you're okay." He muttered patting you gently on the arm. "I have set up the evidence I've gathered on my pin board," Namjoon says while pointing towards his pinboard which was covered in articles, photos and papers. You feel your heartache painfully when your eyes land on a photograph of Jungkook on there.

"There is security footage of Brooks leaving full moon…she appears to be with Jeon Jungkook. Although the club refused to give us the actual footage there are numerous witnesses that have identified Jungkook as a potential suspect. I have also gathered some past articles on the Jeon family and their past criminal history doesn't look very good. I used to investigate this family and to be honest, I'm not very surprised that it's Jungkook."

The more Namjoon talks the more you feel the need to cry. Jin notices your expression falter under Namjoon's stern voice and he exhales inaudibly not being able to bare your hurt expression. "Jungkook took a few anatomy classes in College which makes sense on how he knows where to slice his victims and he was under arrest a couple of times in the past on several drug and assault charges but was released on bail every time. Even though, I'm positive that Jungkook is suspect we still need to interview a few close friends. This case is going to be one of the most difficult cases to deal with appropriately. The reason why I chose both of you as detectives for this case is that you are both experienced and smart enough to handle it. I have high hopes for the both of you. "

“Yes, sir.”

"At this point of the investigation, I am certain that Jungkook is the one killing all these women and men. What I need from you both now is to go home and get some rest up for the day and to come in tomorrow with a fresh start so we can come up with an appropriate and more efficient strategy on how we are going to handle this situation. You both look extremely exhausted and won't be able to work to the standard that I need from the both of you right now. Do not be late tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?" Namjoon's stern voice and face doesn't leave any room for disagreements. He peers at both you and Jin with the same serious and superior persona.

“Yes, sir!”

“You are both dismissed.”

"Father, why do you hate me so much?" Jungkook asks meekly as he lets his father beat him to a pulp. Blood gushing out from his nose and a bruise forming on both sides of his face. Jungkook is merely a child who was getting used to his father’s abuse. He cries as he tries to fend off his alcoholic father. “It’s all your fault…” His father mutters while hiccupping, as he swings his bottle of whisky at a terrified Jungkook who barely dodges the bottle. The glass shattering everywhere and slicing Jungkook’s skin on his arms and legs. “F-Father Please!”

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU SORRY EXCUSE OF A SON!" His father shouts in resentment as he wobbles over to Jungkook, who tries to scramble away from but ends up cutting himself even further from the glass shattered on the ground. "It's because of you that she died. You were a murderer at birth. I fucking can't stand you. I fucking hate you."

Jungkook sits up on his bed waking up with a start. His chest heaving up and down as he inhales and exhales harshly. His heart racing in his chest as the built-up sweat on his forehead drips down the side of his face. He shuts his eyes grimacing from the sunlight streaking through his large window. "Fuck…it was just a dream." He murmurs to himself in relief as he steadies his breathing with a racing heart. Placing the palm of his hand over his eyes as they adjust to the daylight.

"Jungkook! You up man?" Jimin walks into Jungkook's room standing his door with a cup of coffee his hand. He smirks at the latter before leaning against the door frame while crossing his legs. "Jimin? What the fuck are you doing here?" Jungkook asks barely acknowledging him as he stretches out his tense muscles. Jimin chuckles before taking a sip of the coffee in his hands. "Had a good night last night?" Jimin's questions make Jungkook recollect his memory. "(Y/n)." He glances down at the side of the bed, frowning when he finds it empty.

"If you're looking for (Y/n), she left early this morning. She was a complete mess when I saw her. I can imagine you had a good time last night…huh, Kooky?" Jimin says smirking at Jungkook who pulls up his covers, sliding out of the comfort of his bed. "What time did she leave?" Jungkook asks bending down and putting on some sweatpants. He was incredibly pissed that you had left without his knowledge. Jimin tenses his face as he thinks. "About 5 in the morning." Jungkook retraces his memory and his smile is unknowingly warm as he thinks about you and what you both experienced the night before. Jimin peers at Jungkook with a shocked expression on his face. Almost dropping his cup at the sight. Jungkook's smile was so sincere and radiant. Jimin was, in fact, witnessing right now one of the most genuine smiles he's ever seen coming from Jungkook in a very long time. "I didn't want to kill her…I didn't want her to leave me, to be honest with you." Jungkook mutters as a grin spreads across his lips. "I love seeing you this happy Jungkook…but I wouldn't be so fond of her just yet." Jungkook raises an eyebrow at Jimin as he sighs with unease. "There is something that Hoseok found out this morning about Jin and (Y/N)…and I don't really think you're going to like it." Jungkook stares at Jimin with hooded eyes. His jaw tightens as he grinds his teeth in thought. "Where's Hoseok?"

"He's downstairs eating breakfast with the rest of the crew."

"I actually liked Seokjin. It's honestly such a pity." Taehyung chuckles as he chews obnoxiously loud on his blueberry pancakes. "We were pretty close in college," Jimin says pouting slightly. "So how are you planning on killing them Jungkook?" Jungkook barely grazes his food as he stares at his plate lost for words. The whole table is tense and Jimin exhales in discomfort for what felt like the 10th time that morning. “I can’t believe they work for Namjoon of all people.” Yoongi murmurs after downing his glass of orange juice. “Yeah, Namjoon has been investigating the Jeon family for years. Wasn’t he the one to place both you and your dad in jail before? He’s a really good detective.” Taehyung murmurs as he continues to chew his food. “(Y/N) must be a good detective too if she’s working for him. Namjoon is a perfectionist.” Yoongi adds as he glances at Jungkook with a raised eyebrow. “If they didn’t work for Namjoon, Jungkook probably would of let them go…” Hoseok smirks as he stares at Jungkook, who glares back at him in response. “What are you gonna do Jungkook?”

Jungkook couldn't help but feel disappointed but he didn't really know what he was expecting from you anyway. Even if you didn't lie to him, why would someone like you want to be someone as messed up like him? Jungkook wanted you though and that was something he couldn't completely deny. "Don't tell me you got a little crush on the detective?" Yoongi mumbles playing with his breakfast. "Hey, she was hot though." Taehyung states chuckling which causes an irk of irritation to bubble in Jungkook. "Jungkook…don't forget that she works for Namjoon," Hoseok states as he observes Jungkook's conflicted appearance. "I know that." He mutters before abruptly standing onto his feet. "Hoseok give me a copy of her details. I'm going to handle her myself."

“Whatever you say, Bro.”

"Wow, Namjoon can be so scary sometimes," Jin mutters as he is driving you home. "I can't believe its Jungkook. I knew he was messed up but not that messed up. It was kind of awkward after you left the club with him. Jimin had this weird change in personality and the others just kept snorting cocaine and getting drunk. I'm honestly surprised they didn't die of alcohol poisoning." You glance out the car window not really in the mood to be talking about last night. "Let's just not talk about last night." You murmur resting your chin on the palm of your hand. "Okay…But I'm curious to know how you and Jungkook left together last night." Your breath hitches your throat at Jin's words. “Please...let’s just drop this conversation.” You murmur as you watch Jin glance down at your phone charging in his car.

"I think your phones vibrating (Y/N)," Jin says not taking his eyes off the road and you nod your head in response even though he couldn't see you. Someone was calling you on no caller id and you were praying it wasn't a scammer or something to annoy you even more than you already were at that very moment.

“Hello?”

"Hey, babe…I missed you this morning." Your eyes widen in shock at the sound of the familiar pet name and husky voice belonging to the very person that was occupying your thoughts.

"J-Jungkook?" You exclaim and Jin swerves on the road. "WHAT? JUNGKOOK? AS IN JEON JUNGKOOK!?" Jin exclaims and you glare at him while placing an index finger against your lip to shush him in response. "It's me, baby. It's so good hearing your voice. I'm getting hard just remembering you screaming my name over and over again last night…" Your face flushes at his shameless response and Jin looks at you mortified. You open and close your mouth not really knowing how to respond to his lewd comment. "I owe you a shirt and don’t forget that you owe me morning sex." Jungkook chuckles. Your fingers clench your phone harder in response. "I-I-Jungkook- Forget about the shirt and I-I don't really owe you anything…"

"Is something wrong (Y/N)? Is there a reason you left so hastily this morning?" The questions catches you even more off guard and when you don't reply he breaks the awkward silence with a chilling laugh. "I supposed you don't owe me morning sex but it really is a pity…I really wanted to get my hands on you and pleasure you past your breaking point just like how I did last night…I know you want me (Y/N) …However, it really is a shame that you do in fact owe me one important explanation…"

"Explanation? I-I don't know what you are talking about." You hurriedly say to him with your chest squeezing in agony. "Tsk, Tsk. Playing dumb now, are we? Oh, beautiful (Y/n). What am I going to do with you?" You gulp embarrassingly loudly as you ponder over his words. He didn’t know you were a detective? Did he?

Jin glances at you multiple times, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. You glance at Jin in distress. "Jungkook…H-How did you even get my number?" There is a slight pause on the line before he exhales in annoyance.

“Listen, I’ll be frank with you (Y/N). I know that both you and Jin lied to me last night. I just want you to know that you ought to be careful when playing in my wicked games…who will win I wonder?”

You feel your breathing become heavier as he sighs into the phone. "Be very careful baby girl. You shouldn't be messing with the wrong kind of people. It will be a shame if something bad was to happen to you. We wouldn't want you getting hurt now do we?"

You hang up abruptly. Your chest contorting painfully as become overcome with emotion. Jin is the first person to break the silence by clearing his throat. "So…you and Jungkook really did hook up last night?" You exhale quietly, in a pathetic attempt to calm your nerves before glancing at him gloomily.

"Yes, Jin…We hooked up."

The silence returns as Jin averts his gaze back on the road. You watch him silently as he presses his lips tightly together face looking like he was deep in thought. His index fingers tap lightly on the steering wheel as he puckers his lips. You knew that familiar cheeky expression on his face.

“So…” He starts glancing back at you with a not so discrete smirk forming on his handsome face. “Was he good at least?”

"KIM SEOKJIN!"

You have never felt so physically and mentally exhausted as you enter your home, nearly dropping dead asleep on the hard floor. First, you had endured everything that has happened with Jungkook and then has to survive Jin's teasing the whole drive home. You slept for a solid 3 hours before you were stirred awake from the ringing coming off your phone. You groan as you groggily search for your phone by tapping on your bed with your eyes closed. Once you made contact with it, you answered it without even bothering to look at the caller id. “Hello?” You sleepily respond, getting agitated by the silence coming from the other end.

“Hello-“

“Open your front door, sweetheart.”

Your eyes widened at the sound of Jungkook’s voice. Your whole body jolting forward now fully awake. “Jungkook-“

You were interrupted by the sound of beeping. He had hung up on you. You grew tense as you debated whether or not to open your front door or contact someone for help. There was a subtle knock on the door which made you flinch in fear. You quietly crawled out of bed, rushing to your side table, opening the top drawer to grab your handgun which was fully loaded. You were trained for these sort of events. You crept towards your front door, holding your pistol in both hands. You were silently baffled by the absence of a shadow outside your front door. Your heart races as you felt the adrenaline kick in. Your grips on the door handle it tight and you say a quick prayer before swinging the door open and pointing your gun to nothing. You stood there with your hands trembling as you scan your surroundings completely bewildered at no one being in sight. You keep your gun in your hands as you step forward eyes landing on a single package in front of you. You peer at the package with suspicion as you read the note stuck on the front.

“I hope you like your new shirt baby girl. I had to get you only the finest of quality. Think of me.”

- Jeon Jungkook

The call with Jungkook leaves you feeling scared and exhausted. Only he could play with your emotions as much as he did. He even had the nerve to write ‘Think of me,’ at the end as if you weren’t thinking about him enough already. One minute he was making you drown in pleasure the next minute he leaves you sobbing in fear on your cold bathroom floor. Only a few hours after you got home a package came from Jungkook with a brand new designer dress shirt in your exact size. The shirt is branded and is something that you have never ever imagined yourself owning. Not only did he have your number, he knew where you lived as well. How he got his hands on this information makes you terrified.

“What the fuck are you playing at Jeon Jungkook?”

After the package came you decide to call Jin and let him know of the events that have happened tonight. Jin was apologetic, to say the least after informing you that he was at the hospital with his girlfriend who was experiencing immense pain in her abdomen and couldn't stay the night with you. You felt your heart race as you told him it was fine and that you were fine when you really weren't. Hanging up the phone you open your laptop instead, reading through every one of Jungkook's suspected murder cases. You felt a panic attack start to happen as you felt emotionally wrecked. The gruesome details of what he has done to his victims has you feeling nauseous. You weren't as terrified of the thought of Jungkook harming you as terrified as you were at the thought of yourself having some deep feelings for him. You almost felt emotionally attached to him and in a way, you haven't felt towards anyone else before.

"Am I spending the night?" You ask cautiously and Jungkook's rested eyes fluttered open quickly after those words leave your lips. "Yeah. I don't want you going anywhere."

Thoughts of Jungkook comes to you in waves as you retrace the places Jungkook kissed and caressed on your body. You are almost breathless as run your needy fingers over the parts of your body that showed attention which was almost every part of your body. You felt a familiar heat rush to your core and you tried your hardest to resist touching yourself at the thought of him pleasuring you. You exhale in shakily as you slide your fingers inside your shorts. Right before you could circle your clit there was a slight knock to at your door. You are startled when a knock at your door pulls you of your thoughts. You quickly remove your hand that was inside your shorts. Your thoughts become clouded as you swing your legs over the side of your bed. Your feet padded on the ground quietly as you make your way to the front door. It could be Jin and (B/F/N) but as your hand makes contact with the door handle and you pause in your tracks. What if it was Jungkook?

You are frantically rushing back to your room to grab your hand pistol when there is another knock at the door. Swallowing your fear you grasp onto your pistol with trembling hands. You hurriedly rush back to open the door, you point your gun at the persons face and you are wide-eyed at the sight of Jungkook standing leisurely at your front door wearing a suit. He is wearing an even fancier looking suit than last time, which looks absolutely dashing on him. He smirks when he sees your stern face. You almost falter at his gorgeous appearance. Your hands shaking at you point your gun at him. "What the fuck are you doing here?" You question him breathlessly and Jungkook chuckles quietly. "I came to see you of course," Jungkook answers you with a laid-back demeanour, not even a little bit fazed by your gun is pointed at his face. "J-Jungkook…" You stammer as he steps forward. "You look just as inviting as the first night I met you," Jungkook says sighing quietly as his eyes roam your appearance. You weren’t wearing anything fancy. Just a t-shirt and a pair of comfortable short shorts that you wear to bed. You almost blush in embarrassment at how underdressed you were compared to his attire. "Absolutely gorgeous." You flush at his compliment your stern expression cracking as you falter under his intense gaze. "Leave here! Before I-I shoot you. I won’t hesitate to shoot." Your attempt at scaring him didn't seem to work as he chuckles again this time a little louder as he lunges towards you. You pull the trigger missing him as he lifts your hands above your head. Your eyes widen in shock at his speed. His hold on your arms begins to ache as he squeezes your flesh tightly.

"AH! Let go of me!" You cry out in pain as Jungkook walks you backwards, back into your home. He kicks your door close with his foot as he steps inside. Your hold on the gun becomes weak and Jungkook hits it out of your hands. You yelp in fear as you watch the handgun slide across your living room. "That's not how you greet someone baby girl." You struggle in his hold and Jungkook exhales in annoyance. "LET ME GO! YOU-YOU MURDER!" Your words make Jungkook heart twinge in pain and he glares at you with hooded eyes. His jaw tensing as he pushes you down onto your couch. "L-Let me go! Get off of me!" You screech, feeling warm tears slide down your cheeks. “Just leave me alone!”Jungkook's eyes widened at the sight of your tears, your face contorting in pain. His hold on your wrists loosens slightly as he stares at you dejectedly. "J-Jungkook…" You whisper as he moves his face closer to yours. You stare at him wide-eyed as the tears stop running down your face. "J-Jungkook what-" You watch his handsome face inch closer as the familiar smell of his cologne sets you surprisingly at ease. He shushes you and you watch him completely mesmerised as his thumb soothes the skin at your wrists that had a red mark on them from him squeezing your wrists too tightly.

"I'm sorry…" He whispers before pressing his lips to yours. It takes you a moment to realise that he was kissing you. You stop struggling altogether as you slowly close your eyes shut, completely immersing yourself into the kiss. His taste and the familiar sensation of his lips on your own has you seeing stars. You felt warmth rush to your heat and he deepens the kiss when he realises you weren't going to resist. He smiles against your lips and you feel your heart flutter at the action. When you both pull apart he peers at you with a surprising soft expression. You scan his face, taking in every single detail you possibly could and imprinting it into your mind. "(Y/N)…" The way he says your name makes you weak and you look up at him curiously. "Yes?" You whisper, unconsciously smiling as Jungkook intertwines his fingers with yours. He looks conflicted as he debates whether or not to continue with what he was about to say. You usher him on by tightening your hold on his hands. Jungkook looks down at you surprised by your actions and you force a small smile up at him in response.

"I-I think I'm in love with you." He confesses just above a whisper and you feel butterflies begin to form in your stomach as he presses another soft kiss to your temple. "I can't stop thinking about you…" He continues eyes taking in your appearance as you look up at him nervously. "I-I have done a lot of bad things in the past to both men and women. I know you know about everything that I have done and I am not mad at you for resenting me because of it…I thought about everything and I thought about you." His words make your eyes water as you let him continue quietly. "I-I love you. So I'm not going to hurt you…but I do need one favour from you." You raise an eyebrow at him confused by his words. Jungkook waits for you to respond and you ponder over his words feeling nervous over what that favour could be. "And what exactly would that favour be?" You ask trying your best not to stutter and he smiles down at you sorrowfully. His expression is similar to the one he was making when he was having a nightmare the night before and it was painful enough to make your heartbreak. "What is it Jungkook?" You ask quietly waiting patiently for him to respond. "I need you to be the one to kill me." Jungkook's words leave you speechless and you felt your heart constrict in your chest painfully. "W-What?" You ask praying that you heard him wrong.

"I don't see any other way around it (Y/N)…If I get caught by police I'll serve multiple life sentences, or get sentenced to death either way…I don't care if I die. I do not value my life but I value yours. I don't want you to lose your job and If I am going to die anyway I need you to be the one to kill me. Please (Y/N)…Kill me. Put me out of my misery. I don't want to hurt anymore."

You both stare at each other silently, you feel tears stream down your face as you untangle your hands from Jungkook’s. Jungkook’s eyes widen in shock and disappointment but that is quick to change as you wrap your arms around his neck instead. “Let’s just not talk about this right now…Just please kiss me Jungkook." You bring his face closer to yours and you passionately press your lips against his. His lips curl into a smile as he kisses you back with just as much passion. As you both continue to lip lock, your thoughts drift. Jungkook had everything. He was smart, good-looking, wealthy, practically good at everything he did and he even had lots of friends. Even people like him can be unhappy and that was a huge eye opener for you. You weren't the only one suffering, even people like Jungkook had their own fair share of problems. Pushing his past mistakes aside for the moment, all you wanted right now was the comfort and you wanted nothing more than to comfort him too. You despised yourself but it looks like Jungkook despised himself even more.

“Can I stay the night?” Jungkook whispers against your lips and you nod eagerly. “Please don’t go anywhere.” You whisper back before smiling up at him. “Stay with me.” Jungkook kisses you fervently, your tongues meeting and his hands run down your body. The familiarity of the situation makes you feel hot and anticipating eagerly for what’s to come. It was the same Jungkook just this time he was being more gentle. His hands slide up your shirt and he groans into your mouth at the feeling of your bare breasts. “I want to put my arms around you. I want to hold you.” Jungkook murmurs against your lips as he kisses jaw and trails wet kisses down your neck. “Look at you. You look so pretty with my marks all over your body. Do you know you left scratches on my back too?” He smirks at the sight of the hickeys he left the night before. “Fuck…” Jungkook growls feeling his heart race as he retraces his steps and you want nothing more than to feel him buried inside you. “You left way too many marks, you idiot.” Jungkook chuckles sweetly and you grin down at him as he curls his fingers at the bottom of your shirt. “Lift your arms up beautiful.” You smile at his command and lift your hands up, so he could easily tug your shirt off your body. He groans at the sight of your naked chest. “I love everything about you.” Your nipples perky and breasts covered in his love bites. He is quick to latch onto your right nipple, his other hand grabbing and fondling with the other. You moan shamelessly loud as he gives the other the same attention. He is unfazed by your hands grabbing at his locks and he smirks against your chest. “Just like that baby. Let me hear you. Let me hear how good I’m making you feel.”

"Jungkook, please…I need you." Jungkook growls as he kisses his way to the waistband of your shorts. "F-Fuck… you're so fucking hot." He groans as he pulls both your shorts and panties off in one swift motion. You are laying there completely bare below him and his eyes filled with lust as you sit up to tug off his blazer and unbutton his white collared shirt. “What’s the rush sweetheart?” Jungkook chuckles at your eagerness and helps you unbutton his shirt. “I can’t be the only one naked.” You flush under his intense gaze and he shrugs everything off besides his tie. You unbuckle his belt and pull down the zipper of his dress pants and he stands up momentarily to tug his pants and underwear off. Your mouth waters at the sight of his thick and long length. You still can’t get over his size. He winks at you teasingly before tugging his shoes and socks off his feet. You tug him back down onto you with a pull to his tie and he bites his lips at your sexy appearance and actions. You make him sit on the couch as you straddle him keenly. Jungkook lets you push him down and he grabs your hips.

“Fuck baby are you going to ride me?” Jungkook smirks as you look up at him through your lashes. Your fingers are wrapped with his tie as you align him to your entrance with your other free hand. Your wetness starts coating Jungkook’s length and Jungkook groans at the feeling. “Are you sure you don’t want me to eat you out?” Jungkook asks stroking a hand over your thigh. Making goose bumps appear on the skin he caresses. The offer was so tempting but you were in desperate need of his cock stretching you out more than anything. “No. I just really want your cock.” You teasingly murmur, causing Jungkook to bite down hard onto his bottom lip.“Fuck, take my cock baby. It’s all yours.” You pressed together chest to chest and you feel your sensitive nipples make contact with his strong muscular chest. You both moan loudly as you sink down on him. You take a moment to adjust to his size. The stretch is incredible. Jungkook peers at you with lust filled eyes.

“S-Shit.” Jungkook huskily moans as your mouth hangs open. He bites onto your neck and you hold onto his shoulders tightly. "You are so fucking tight." He groans throwing his head back as he holds your hips. "And you're so fucking big." You moan as you start to bounce. Jungkook eggs you on by meeting your hips with his thrusts from below. You feel his length stretching you out deliciously and Jungkook loves the way your sucking him right back up. You continue riding him sensually and Jungkook moans as you tighten around him surprising fast. "F-Fuck you feel so good." Jungkook groans and you nod your head as he meets your thrusts. You gyrate your hips as he hits your spot every single time. You feel your orgasm approaching and he uses his thumb to rub at your clit. You shudder and tremble as you become overwhelmed in familiar pleasure. “Fuck Jungkook!” You cry out in pleasure as your orgasm hits you hard. He holds you steady as you began to quiver uncontrollably in pleasure. Jungkook feels himself chase his own orgasm at the sight of your orgasm and he growls before pulling his length out of you and releasing all over your stomach. You both pant against each other. Your gaze locked on each other. You feel emotions build up in your chest as the adoration you already felt for him starts to grow.

You sit on top of him as you catch your breath. You watch Jungkook's chest rise and fall as he breathlessly chuckles. You smile down at him chuckling with him. Your hand still wrapped in his tie. Jungkook's grip on either side of your hips loosens as he watches you with hooded eyes. "I'm not gonna lie…" You say kissing Jungkook softly on his swollen lips. "I'm kind of liking this wicked game of yours. Even if it does end up killing me."

✎ to be continued ...

Masterlist

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intoapuddle · 5 years

Text

Monochrome

chapter thirty one (100,3k words so far)

summary: When you build your life out of fear that your mental illness could worsen, it leaves little room for excitement. Luckily, Dan has found a space online where he feels comfortable.

song for this chapter: Hello World by Louie Zong [spotify playlist]

READ ON AO3 or read here below the cut

On Tuesday morning, Dan doesn’t wake up to his eight am alarm.

Instead, it is to the sound of insistent knocking on his door. It doesn’t feel very different to how he woke up when Dad called and insisted he throw work and the stream out the window to see a family that doesn’t understand him. Dan coughs and stands up. He pulls a T-shirt over his head and opens the door.

There is something manic in Jimmy’s eyes.

“What-”

“Are you okay?” Jimmy interrupts him.

Jimmy looks different as he walks into Dan’s flat. He has done this countless times. They have done so many things between these four walls. Dan closes the door behind himself.

“I’m sleepy,” Dan says.

He watches as Jimmy sits down on the bed. It is over, Dan repeats in his head. He sits down next to him and watches the concern that looks awfully similar to Chris’s play across his features. Jimmy knows him better than to feel that concern, doesn’t he?

“Seriously,” Jimmy says. “Sorry to wake you early, by the way. I’m going to work soon but Chris-”

Jimmy stops.

“Chris?” Dan prompts.

“He told me you slept at his this weekend.”

Dan forgets that other people actually communicate with one another. Jimmy looks at him like he did so many times when they were together. Like Dan is broken. Like Jimmy has a need to make it better, somehow.

“He’s worried about you,” Jimmy says. “I’m worried about you.”

It doesn’t make sense, but what Dan feels is anger.

It sounds like Dad. Being worried about him while knowing nothing about him, or what he is thinking or feeling. Chris and Jimmy mean well, but Dan feels like he is being attacked rather than consoled. It is morning and Dan should be sleeping. He has work this afternoon. Perhaps they don’t think of that as a job just like Dad doesn’t.

“I’m fine,” Dan says.

“You always say that,” Jimmy counters.

Dan hates himself for making other people feel what he has felt, so many times.

If this was like before, Dan could kiss him or touch him until that concern went away. He can’t now. He has to use his words.

As eloquent as Dan is in his analysis on Fall Whisperer, and in his extensive forum posts, he doesn’t know the first thing about communicating what he is feeling to other people.

“I’ll be fine,” Dan rephrases.

“You don’t have to be alone, you know,” Jimmy says. “People care about you.”

For some reason, Dan doesn’t feel cared for.

“Jimmy,” Dan sighs.

“Can you go to Chris’s sometime this week?” Jimmy asks. “Tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Dan says.

He probably won’t. But Jimmy calms down. He gets his bearings. He nods.

“Seriously, Jimmy,” Dan says, because the guilt is eating him up inside. “Don’t worry about me. I’m good.”

Jimmy stands up and Dan follows him. Jimmy hugs him tightly. Dan is hesitant, but he wraps his arms around Jimmy’s smaller frame and runs his fingers through his hair. Jimmy breathes deeply.

“I’m sorry that I scared you,” Dan murmurs. “Or Chris. I’m sorry.”

Jimmy takes a step back. Dan aches.

“When you talk to me like that,” Jimmy says, “and touch me like that…”

Even though there is warning in Jimmy’s tone, Dan wants to do it more. He wants to take all of this hurt away. He wants Jimmy to feel good.

It would be embarrassing to try. Dan hasn’t been able to get hard in a week.

“Sorry,” Dan says.

“Tomorrow?” Jimmy presses.

“Tomorrow,” Dan echoes.

To Jimmy it may sound like a sure thing. Dan doesn’t mean it as one. As soon as Jimmy leaves, Dan is back in bed. He sleeps past his alarm.

ripewhisperer: I know something is up because this is the most exciting week in the fandom since I joined it and you are nowhere to be seen.

ripewhisperer: Don’t tell anyone but I miss you and I hope you are okay.

Dan can’t look anywhere without being subjected to this worry.

achromatic_bot: some stuff came up last week so i couldn’t make the stream and then I was busy. but I’m okay what did i miss lol

Jamie doesn’t usually answer at this time in the day. Dan clicks over to the forum and reads some of the new threads that have been made since the stream. He avoids the heavier discourse, but he finds himself enjoying the excitement from the less concerned people in the fandom. Morgan has posted art.

Dan recognises this one. It is a drawing she never posted, because she has always insisted on “not getting shippy with it”.

In this one, White is sitting next to Dye on his bed. It looks like the scene when Dye finally surrenders and faces his fears. But it is painted in Morgan’s striking, vivid way, and instead of just sitting there, they are kissing.

It is one of Dan’s favourites. The like and dislike ratio on the post is almost completely even. Even after the reveal, there is a large amount of people on the forum that are in denial. They claim that the fandom can’t be sure of whether Dye and White are actually together. Because the promo thing said ‘what caused them to fall in love?’, which opens up for debate on whether they are still in love. Dan is still astounded that there is such a deep disregard for what is and has been plain to see for a long time, instilled in a large part of the fandom. So he stops himself from overthinking about how it may look, and likes the picture. He comments that he loves it.

Dan looks at the drawing a bit more. It makes him feel something other than fear of what his brain will subject him to today. He decides to DM Morgan and shower her in praise, because there isn’t a lot that makes him feel anything other than fear right now.

Irregularsymbol has shouted him out in a tweet. That would explain the increase in followers. Seagull has tweeted his squawks, this time accompanied by the Caves and Garden cover. TriangleNoses has posted some sketches. They are all of landscapes. The setting is familiar, but there is a different vibe to them that Dan can’t really place.

ripewhisperer: I know there’s more to it than that but whatever, I’m glad to hear from you Chrome <3

falldelight: ILY THANK YOU I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE ABLE TO POST THAT ONE ;_;

falldelight: I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING SINCE IT WAS ANNOUNCED

Dan laughs. He decides to go to open the server. Morgan is online. Dye and White are back in the game. Dan rolls his shoulders and forgets everything else. He is going to chat with Morgan and Jamie and he is going to game because, for the first time since he came home, he finds himself enjoying something again.

achromatic_bot: what is this

He walks around their garden and finds several signs saying “DYE AND WHITE” repeatedly, placed in an irregular pattern. Morgan’s sprite has blue hair today. She runs up to him.

falldelight: I WASN’T JOKING WHEN I SAID I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING

Dan chuckles.

achromatic_bot: the caps lock hurts my ears just reading it mate

falldelight: SORRY. CAPS LOCK KEY GOT STUCK WHEN *IT* HAPPENED

Dan missed this. Fuck, he missed it so badly. Jamie runs up to Dan and jumps up and down next to him. Morgan starts jumping, too.

achromatic_bot: tf is wrong w you

He starts jumping, too. It feels a bit like it did a few years ago, when this was new and exciting. Dan feels some type of painful nostalgia. That was the worst time in his life. But his online life was good. He formed relationships that he still has to this day. It was like a kind of honeymoon phase, except when Dan turned off the computer most of the good feelings left him. Maybe the fandom was more fun then because Dan’s life was worse. Or maybe Dan is worse off now, not finding the same enjoyment in it that he once did.

It doesn’t exactly matter. His online life is his lifeline, and he has to make sure it stays that way. He spends hours messing with Jamie and Morgan and eventually Sam and Mason as well, when they come online. They talk about Caves and Gardens and tend to the plants. Dan considers himself lucky to be part of such a solid group, that acts just as stupid as he does about this bloody game.

Dan has had every opportunity to cancel and not go through with this. And yet he has arrived at the building and all he has to do is press the buzzer for Chris to let him inside. He could turn and leave just as well.

Dan presses the button. Chris lets him in.

It takes Dan five minutes to work up the courage to ask where the hell Jimmy is. He feels his absence viscerally. Chris isn’t his friend, but when they sit by the kitchen island it feels like they are supposed to be. It is just that no one is here to bridge the gap of not really knowing each other. Some third party to make the small talk somewhat bearable.

“He’s at work,” Chris answers, confused. “You know he works days right?”

Jimmy has left him with an almost stranger because he is worried about him. Chris is worried about him. Dan feels it when his stomach sinks.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Dan says.

Chris has gone out of view and Dan stares at the wall opposite him. The counters and the cabinets and the oven and the sink. Dan’s mouth goes dry.

He only turns back when Chris doesn’t respond. There is something happening here and Dan doesn’t know what. They don’t know each other. Dan shouldn’t be directing his confusion at Chris.

Chris’s eyes look like they did on Friday night. Pained in this deep way that Dan doesn’t understand.

“Seriously,” Dan says, because he can’t stand the silence. “I’m all good. I was just in a weird mood when I saw you last.”

A weird mood. That is what he is reducing the panicked way he rushed to Jimmy’s house, choking on a mountain of anxiety and fear upon being forced to face a past he wants to forget. Dan shakes his head and looks away.

“Jimmy didn’t ask me to babysit you,” Chris says, finally.

“Didn’t he?” Dan snaps.

He stares into Chris’s eyes as something starts to boil inside. Chris stares back helplessly.

The sound of a door being unlocked makes both of them jump. Phil walks inside, feels the obvious tension in the room, and silently removes his coat. Dan feels an intense need to cry. It comes so quickly it makes him dizzy.

“I,” Dan says, standing up on unsteady feet. “Bathroom.”

He hurries past Phil in the hall and into the bathroom. He locks the door and steadies himself against the sink. He turns on the water and tries to relax, but nothing happens. He can’t just stand here and cry. So instead all he can do is stand inside that tension and stare into his own eyes reflected in the mirror. He doesn’t recognise himself. He looks like he hasn’t slept for days, even though that is all he has really been doing. If he saw someone that looked like this, he would be worried too.

Dan exits the bathroom. Chris is no longer sitting at the kitchen island. But Dan hears Phil’s voice and Chris’s laugh in response. He considers taking his coat and leaving.

“Dan, hi!” Phil says when Dan comes back in.

Phil stands up from the sofa and walks up to him without an ounce of the stare Chris and Jimmy has been subjecting him to. He wraps Dan up in a hug that Dan wants to melt inside. But there is no citrus and honey to breathe in.

“You smell different,” Dan says when he pulls back.

Phil laughs.

“Do I?”

He makes way to sit back down and Dan goes with him without a thought.

He realises how strange the comment was the moment he sits down. Chris has shed some of that pain and instead looks between him and Phil with amusement.

“Phil’s had to meet someone that doesn’t approve of the womens’ body wash,” Chris chuckles.

Phil raises an eyebrow at Dan. Dan meets it with a hesitant smile.

“Well, I prefer the honey one,” Dan says. “Or, honey and lemon, right? Something yellow.”

There is an ocean in Phil’s eyes that Dan wants to swim in. Phil doesn’t react like other people do. When Dan is about to try and back track, Phil grins and shakes his head.

“Noted,” he says. “And yeah, you got it.”

“I only knew because your room is covered in it,” Dan rushes to explain.

Chris and Phil look at him for a moment. Dan laughs.

“I mean,” Dan shakes his head. “Uh.”

“Oh, no, Chris told me about your little rendez-vous,” Phil says. “And what are you saying? Is it bad?”

“No, no,” Dan says. “I’m, uh, I like that one.”

Dan glances at Chris. Chris is still looking between them with a stupid smile on his face. But Phil doesn’t look uncomfortable in the least. He is smiling, but it isn’t stupid. He looks relaxed and confident. There isn’t a bit of the usual nervous twitches Dan usually marvels at in Phil today.

“Rendez-vous,” Chris comments, wiggling his eyebrows. “That sounds a lot more exciting than it was.”

“You weren’t entertained by my one am mental breakdown?” Dan asks with a laugh.

Chris turns into tension and Phil remains secure.

“I’m exaggerating,” Dan quickly says.

“For shame, Chris,” Phil says. “For shame.”

“I meant it just wasn’t--”

Phil stops him with a wave of a hand and a laugh.

Dan giggles his nerves.

They keep talking for a while. The strange air between Dan and Chris disappears because Phil is, apparently, a master at dispelling anything like that. The hours pass by with Mario Kart and poor fighting talk. Dan almost forgets that he has to go to work.

Phil is the one to follow him to the hallway even though Chris was the one Dan was supposed to be hanging out with. He simply leans against the door frame to the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest, as he watches Dan put on his jacket. His hair is shorter, Dan thinks now that he really looks.

“Did you get a haircut?” he asks.

Phil grins.

“Yeah,” he says.

Dan blinks. “It looks good.”

He doesn’t really know why, but suddenly his face is burning hot. He must be completely red.

“Thanks,” Phil says with a secret smile.

“What?” Dan says.

His heart thunders so hard in his chest he almost hears the glass crackle.

“Nothing,” Phil says. “Just funny that you noticed I changed my body wash before you noticed the hair.”

Dan’s first impulse is to say something to wipe away the obvious connotations hanging from Phil’s words. He decides to follow his second impulse instead.

“Funny, is it?” he asks.

Something surprised manages to make way on Phil’s confident expression. When Dan allows himself to really look at Phils face, he realises that the yellow in his eyes looks especially yellow today.

“Hilarious,” Phil answers, deadpan. “Literally rolling on the floor laughing.”

Dan bites back a laugh.

“Same,” he says, matching Phil’s tone. “I’m screaming right now.”

Phil is the one that cracks up first. Dan still holds back, even though his shoulders are shaking with giggles.

It isn’t that funny, but then, Dan hasn’t really laughed in a while. It feels good.

“I really have to head to work,” Dan says.

Phil stands up and touches Dan’s arm. In his mind’s eye, Dan sees a different day in this very hallway when Phil seemed to understand something that no one else would.

He does that a lot, come to think of it.

“Alright,” Phil says. “See you tomorrow?”

He isn’t standing that close but Dan is sure he can feel the heat of his breath.

“What?” Dan says. “Tomorrow?”

“Therapy,” Phil says.

Dan smiles. Phil smiles back.

When Dan leaves, he keeps that smile at the back of his mind all the way to work.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #my fics #chaptered fic: monochrome

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phantasticworks · 5 years

Text

Terminal Chapter 2

I finally wrote it!! It was a ride and I’ve been working on several other stories as well as this one but I figured it was time to finish it! Enjoy!

read on ao3

Words: 24k

Description: Three years later/flashbacks to that Florida trip where they first met. Everything isn't always perfect in a relationship, but Dan and Phil are trying to learn how to be okay with that.

Warnings: Swearing, smut (two separate scenes), light angst (who do you take me for), talk of family planning, mental illness

“Dan, hurry up, it’s already seven, we’re going to miss our flight,” Phil shouts down the corridor from where he’s stood in the lounge, frantically checking and double checking that he’s got his chargers, wallet, and socks in his bag. It’s the third time he’s opened his suitcase this morning, and he’s zipping it up as he starts yelling again. “Daniel, I swear to god-“

“Could you stop screaming at me? I was in the shower,” comes a voice from the doorway, startling Phil enough that he nearly knocks the suitcase off the sofa.

“Shit, you scared me!” He exclaims, his gaze snapping up to meet Dan’s. He’s not expecting his boyfriend to be dressed already, but there he’s stood, black jeans, black and white grid jumper on, and of course, a pair of black socks on his feet.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbles, looking far too sleepy for someone who’s apparently already showered. He yawns then as he saunters over to Phil, leaning down and puckering his lips for a kiss.

Phil presses his mouth to Dan’s for barely a second, swiftly moving away to glance over to where Dan’s own suitcase is stood by the front door. “Do you have all of your things in your suitcase? Your chargers and everything?”

Dan has a strange look on his face when Phil turns to look at him, but with a blink it’s gone, masked by a bored expression. “Yeah, I’ve got everything packed.”

“Your toothbrush?” Phil presses, unable to help himself for how annoying he’s being. He knew of course, after three years of dating, that Dan wasn’t always the most reliable when it came to catching flights on time, and normally Phil wasn’t even this bossy about it. There was something about this trip though, and Phil was on edge, waiting for everything to fall apart at any second. Missing their flight due to Dan’s infamous procrastination would be the domino that knocked down everything else, at least in Phil’s mind.

The younger man didn’t share Phil’s concerns. “Yes, fuck. I’ve got all my toiletries, my chargers, pants, and even lube in my case.” Dan says sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he moves over to the door where he’d left his shoes. He mumbles something as he shoves his feet into the sneakers, and Phil can feel his skin prickling with annoyance.

“What was that?” He asks, his voice harsher than he’d intended.

Dan huffs, struggling with his stupid zipper shoes apparently. “I said we probably don’t fucking need lube, considering you’re acting like you’ve already got a stick up your ass.”

The words are as physically hurtful to Phil as if he’s just been slapped in the face, and for a moment he can only stare at Dan. What had started out as just Phil’s stressed annoyance and sleepy aggravation on Dan’s part was shaping up to be a proper argument.

Almost as soon as Phil has processed the words and what they might mean for the rest of their day, Dan is whirling around, a look of panic on his face. “I didn’t mean that. Fuck. I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t-“ he takes a deep breath. “I don’t mean that. I know you’re stressed. I don’t know why I said that.” Brown eyes plead Phil to show them some mercy, and Phil’s never been proficient at ignoring them.

“It’s whatever,” Phil mumbles, staring down at the zipper on his bag. He was hurt, and Dan knew it.

There’s a short silence that fills with the sound of Dan sighing. On another morning, maybe Dan would apologize properly. Maybe he’d kiss Phil and offer to make it up to him later, and they’d just forget about it.

But today isn’t that day.

“C’mon, or we actually will miss the flight,” Dan says, grabbing his coat from the wall and shrugging it on.

Phil doesn’t look at him as he moves from the sofa, double checking that his phone is in his pocket before grabbing his suitcase and hauling it off their sofa. He fixes his gaze on the floor as he moves over to the front door, grabbing his coat off the rack and shoving his arms in, ignoring the weight of Dan’s stare.

“Here,” Dan says softly, stepping forward and reaching for Phil’s hood. He stays still as Dan adjusts it carefully, probably tucking the annoying tag back inside as it always tries to weasel its way out. “There.” Dan’s hand slides over his shoulder but falls away before Phil has a proper chance to react.

“Ready?” Phil asks, his voice flat.

“I guess,” Dan mumbles.

“Let’s go, then.”

~~~

The ride to the airport is awkward, to say the very least. Dan sits with his head resting against the window, playing a game on his phone as the driver tries to make idle chit chat. Phil feels anxious the whole time, and he’s sending Dan as many pleading looks as he can, begging for him to step in and help. It’s not until they’re nearly to the airport that he finally lifts his gaze to Phil’s, a guilty look on his face when he sees the panic there.

“Here,” he murmurs, handing his AirPods over. “That should help.”

“Thanks,” Phil mumbles in response, shoving the buds in his ears and quickly unlocking his phone to connect them. Before he can, soft music fills his ears, causing him to jump in surprise. His gaze flies to Dan, who looks a little sheepish.

Dan reaches out and plucks one of the buds out, tilting his phone for Phil to see the screen. A Spotify playlist is pulled up, but Phil can’t quite make out the title. “I, uh... made this for you a while ago. Forgot to show you.” His face flushes when Phil only stares at him in shock, and he clearly takes it as a bad sign. “You can listen to your own music, if you’d rather. It’s whatever, this is- this is stupid, I just-“

“Dan,” Phil says softly, barely raising his voice over Dan’s. Brown eyes widen as they stare into blue, and Phil gives him a smile. “It’s sweet.”

His face only flushes more, but Dan nods, looking out the window once more, his phone sitting forgotten in his lap. It may not be much, but Phil feels they’re already a step closer to normalcy than they were this morning. He longs to reach out and intertwine his fingers with Dan’s, but he knows they’re not quite there just yet.

As they turn a corner, Phil glances outside, and suddenly he feels a strange nostalgia creeping into the corners of his mind, reminding him of another car ride, to a different airport. With one of Dan’s chosen songs streaming into his ears, Phil settles in his seat and allows himself a moment to reminisce.

~~~

3 years ago, Marriott hotel in Orlando

“Phil. Phil, wake up. Phillll,” a voice, incessant and not completely familiar to Phil’s barely conscious mind, breathes into his ear. “Phil, I’m hungry. And bored. And you’ve stolen all the covers.”

“Ngh,” Phil grunts into his pillow, still unconscious enough to be convinced this is all some sort of illusion.

“Phil. C’mon, wake up.” The voice is whiny now, and something about that makes Phil’s lips quirk into a smile. “Aha!” The voice yells, startling Phil into proper awareness. “I saw that smile, Lester. I know you’re awake.”

“‘M not awake. Sleepin’.” It’s not entirely convincing, even to Phil’s ears, and he can’t help the grin that forms when he hears the exasperated huff.

“Fine. I guess I’ll go get off in the shower and go down for breakfast alone,” The voice teases.

That gets Phil’s attention.

“Wait,” he protests, lifting his head to get a better look at the man he’d fallen asleep with the past two nights. His hair is wild and curly from sleep, and probably also from their escapades the night before. His skin is glowing in the soft light of the hotel room, and his cocoa eyes stare at Phil with fond exasperation.

“What?” He demands, cocking an eyebrow.

Phil smirks. “Will you bring me back some pancakes?”

Dan groans loudly, rolling onto his back. “I dangle morning sex right in front of you and all you want are pancakes? Am I that unappealing?”

With a laugh, Phil rolls closer to the brunette, nuzzling his shoulder. “Can I drip syrup all over you and lick it off?” Phil breathes in a low voice, licking a stripe across Dan’s neck.

Dan swallows hard. “I think that would be very messy,” he whispers, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

Phil smirks against his skin. “Is that a no?”

Groaning, Dan rolls over to the nightstand and grabs his phone. “I don’t think we even have time for breakfast, it’s already after seven and our flight leaves at nine.”

Against his will, Phil feels a flash of panic. “Yeah, we need to go,” he says, trying not to alarm Dan, even though they do need to go.

There’s a soft smile on Dan’s face. “Okay. Do you want to shower before we leave?”

Phil considers this, and starts to decline before the underlying meaning behind Dan’s words sinks in. There’s a smirk on Dan’s face when he glances up, and Phil’s heart skips a beat. This is still new, they’re still new at doing this sort of thing together, and he feels nerves thrumming under his skin. “Sure. Save water, right?” He says cheekily.

Dan grins at him. “Something like that.”

He manages to pull Phil from his comfortable cocoon of blankets and into the bathroom, stripping the moment he’s stood in front of the shower. “Turn the shower on?” He suggests, giving Phil a sultry look as he shoves his pants down to his ankles, leaving him stood bare.

Phil licks his lips unthinkingly, suddenly parched. “Uh- right, yeah.”

He tinkers with the faucet until the water feels pleasantly warm, flipping the tab to set the shower on. Warm hands work their way underneath his T-shirt, stroking across his back in gentle sweeps. Phil shivers despite himself at the contact, leaning back into Dan’s touch. “You should be wearing less clothes,” he mumbles against the back of Phil’s neck.

“Yeah?” Phil says teasingly. “Maybe you ought to help me out.”

“Gladly,” Dan laughs before shoving the shirt up and over Phil’s shoulders, tossing it to the floor with a flourish.

Phil hums as the shirt hits the floor, tilting his head to give Dan a smirk. “Thought you didn’t like clutter,” he mocks.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re never gonna let that go, huh?”

“Hm…” Phil pretends to consider it. “No, actually, probably not.”

With a huff of laughter, Dan pushes against the waistband of Phil’s sleep pants. “Get undressed, you spoon.”

“Bossy,” Phil mumbles, doing as instructed anyway, kicking his legs out of his pants in a very uncoordinated fashion. Dan giggles behind him, but luckily doesn’t comment.

“Phillll,” Dan whines once he’s stepped into the water. “It’s cold.”

“It literally isn’t, shut up,” Phil laughs, pushing against Dan’s shoulder gently to make room for himself in the shower. It wasn’t actually big enough for the both of them, but that absolutely wasn’t stopping them from cramming their bodies together under the steady stream of admittedly not very warm water.

“I’m cold,” Dan complains.

Phil rolls his eyes but leans over to tamper with the controls, turning it to a slightly warmer temperature. “Better?” He asks, voice unintentionally soft when he sees the pleased expression on Dan’s face.

“Much. Will you wash my hair?” He requests, holding out the tiny hotel sized bottle of shampoo with dark eyes.

Something about the way he’s said it makes Phil quirk an eyebrow. “Is this one of those, “wash my back, I’ll wash yours” sort of things?”

Dan balks, nearly dropping the shampoo bottle in his surprise. “Phil!” He protests. “That’s- I’m genuinely shocked at you for that one.” He shakes his head, focusing on opening the bottle himself, but he doesn’t succeed in hiding the rosy patches on his cheeks, even with his head ducked.

Phil grins and reaches for the bottle. “Turn around, I’ll wash your greasy wig,” he teases.

“’S rude,” Dan mumbles, even as he does as he’s asked. He sighs the moment Phil’s hands come into contact with his hair, and Phil snorts under his breath.

The bathroom is filled with a silence as Phil works his hair into a thick lather, taking as much time as he dares to do so. They did have a flight to catch, after all. Dan makes these breathy little sighs that make it all too easy to forget that they haven’t got the kind of time Phil wishes they had, and he tugs on a curl in reprimand when he realizes Dan is doing it on purpose. “Quit flirting,” he chastises, dropping his hands to Dan’s shoulders to guide him back under the water. “Rinse your hair out, love.”

The endearment falls out without his permission, and his eyes widen as they dart to take in Dan’s reaction, an apology already on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he finds a soft grin and the tiniest hint of Dan’s dimple. “Here,” Dan says, handing the shampoo over so Phil could wash his own hair.

Despite what the both of them clearly want this morning, the shower is quick after that, both of them trading places so that Phil can rinse his own hair out once Dan is finished with his. The tension is there, just boiling under the surface, and it’s very nearly broken when Dan reaches down to take Phil into his hand, under the premise of saving time and effort on Phil’s part. “You can rinse your hair while I-“

“What? Clean my bits?” Phil taunts, trying hard to keep his voice even under Dan’s ministrations.

Dan huffs a laugh. “You don’t miss a thing, do you, Lester?”

Phil sighs. “I’m going to miss this,” he says softly, tilting his head back to rinse the suds out of it and to hide from Dan’s gaze.

“Yeah,” Dan whispers in response, barely audible over the sound of the water running. “Me too.”

He doesn’t stop moving his hand, even when Phil mumbles something about being late. Instead, he shushes the older man and brings him off slowly and gently, the pleasure coursing over Phil in soft waves. He starts to return the favor, but Dan gently pushes his hand away. “We don’t have time, remember?”

Phil frowns but nods, watching as Dan steps out of the shower and grabs a towel. Something in his chest sinks with disappointment, but it’s cleared away when he steps out of the shower and finds Dan stood with another towel in his hands, a soft smile on his face. There’s something sickly sweet crawling up Phil’s throat at the gesture, but he shrugs it off and says a quiet thank you before taking the towel.

It doesn’t take them very long to get dressed and gather their minimal luggage, but Phil does feel a certain anxiety in his gut when he sees that it’s already eight. If Dan is bothered by Phil’s persistence, he doesn’t show it, and they head down to the lobby for check out with their hands intertwined. Phil begs off and shamelessly allows Dan to handle the actual human interaction of check out while he pulls his phone out to make sure the car he’d ordered was outside.

“All set?” Dan asks when he finishes with the concierge, an eyebrow quirked in question.

“Yep,” Phil replies, locking his phone and leading the way out the door.

The drive to the airport is filled with mindless chatter, but the closer they get, the more uneasy Dan appears. His jokes are flatter, and his laughs are shorter and half-hearted. By the time they’ve pulled onto the road where the airport is located, he’s gone completely silent.

“Dan?” Phil asks softly from where he’s sat, pressed close to Dan from shoulder to thigh. “Are you alright?”

“Will you actually call me when we get back to London?” he asks, his voice wavering uncertainly.

Phil spares a glance at the driver, who doesn’t appear to be paying them much attention right now. “What? Of course I will.”

“Do you swear?” Dan asks, turning his wide brown eyes onto Phil, his body practically thrumming with nervous energy.

“Yeah, course,” Phil whispers, his heart squeezing at Dan’s uncertainty.

Dan nods slowly, turning to stare out the window. Before Phil gets the chance to question his sudden doubt, Dan reaches down and intertwines their fingers. “This is really important to me. I don’t know how I’d bear it if I lost it after I only just got it.”

Phil sends another fleeting look to the driver, who’s currently huffing at the state of traffic in front of the airport. Certain that they’re currently safe from any sort of homophobia, he reaches for Dan’s chin, tilting his head to the side and pressing a firm kiss to Dan’s pliant mouth. He doesn’t give Dan much of a chance to reciprocate, but with a swipe of his tongue against Dan’s bottom lip, he pulls away. “I’ll call you when we’re in London. I swear on my life, okay? You don’t… There might be a lot of things that aren’t certain in your life, but I don’t want to be one of them, okay?”

Dan swallows hard and nods, his eyes glassy. Phil presses another chaste kiss to his lips before leaning away just in time for the driver to announce that they can get out of the car. Phil hands him a few bills before turning to gently usher Dan out of the vehicle. “Phil?” His voice is bordering on desperate.

“Hm?”

“This is a sure thing, right?”

“Yeah, love, it’s a sure thing.”

~~~

Present day

“Phil,” a voice is saying into his ear. The voice is annoyed and familiar, and Phil has no desire to open his eyes. “Phil, come on, we’re going to fucking miss the flight.”

With a small, resigned huff, Phil opens his eyes and shifts from where he’d clearly fallen asleep leaning against the window. He frowns at his boyfriend, rubbing at his eyes and nearly knocking his glasses off in the process. “I’m up.” His voice is flat, tired.

Dan rolls his eyes and flings his door open, muttering as he goes. Phil only catches pieces of it, but most of it is just swears. He ignores it. Apologizing to the driver, he leaves a tip, knowing that Dan had likely already paid. When he steps out onto the curb, Dan is stood staring down at his phone, typing furiously. Phil has an odd moment of panic, wondering who Dan is texting but it’s gone just as soon as it had arrived. They were long past the point in their relationship where Phil doubted Dan’s commitment, but on days like today, when they’re already not quite on the same page, he feels that same doubt creep back in, slowly but surely.

“What’re you doing?” Phil asks despite himself, despite knowing that Dan will huff and accuse him of not trusting him and about a million other things before he gets around to some vague explanation of what he actually is doing.

As expected, Dan huffs, a short bitter thing. “Fuck you,” he spits. It’s unwarranted, and Phil flinches at the tone. Dan doesn’t even look up.

“I’m going inside to find a café or something. I need coffee.” Phil means it as an invitation for peace, maybe a chance to restart this weirdly aggressive morning they’re having.

“Fine, whatever.” He waves his hand dismissively before announcing, unprompted this time, “I’m doing the online check in since someone apparently thought it was time for a fucking nap in the car.”

Phil bites the inside of his cheek and counts to ten. It doesn’t actually work, but sometimes he feels like if he doesn’t at least give himself a chance to calm down, he might actually do something he regrets. He glances at the time on his phone, unsurprised to see that they’re actually only fifteen minutes late, and even then, they’ve still got plenty of time to get to their gate and everything. But something changed Dan’s temperament in the car and he’s not letting it go right now. “Okay. Do you want me to check our luggage in?” He offers, even though that’s his least favorite airport task.

“No, actually I’d prefer that someone who isn’t so fucking socially inept take care of our possessions, thanks.” On another day, that would be almost funny. On a normal day when they weren’t semi-fighting, Phil would’ve rolled his eyes and made some self-deprecating joke before leaving Dan to his devices, since he was always the one who was better at all of that sort of thing.

Today isn’t a normal day.

“I’d appreciate it if you could quit being a prat for about five minutes, Dan.” Phil’s voice is wobbly, against his permission, of course, and he knows that Dan can hear how close he is to losing it.

Dan glances up at him, clearly a little surprised. That’s the funny thing about their relationship on days like this; Dan is bossy and runs over Phil like a freight train, and Phil often just puts up with it. He knows that it isn’t Dan, exactly- rather a Dan who’s at the mercy of a harsh chemical imbalance that makes him say and do things that he’ll regret within an hour. Phil knows this, and normally he has the self-preservation to keep his mouth shut and let it run its course.

Today isn’t one of those days.

“Go get your coffee,” Dan mumbles in dismissal.

Phil lets out a long breath before nodding and turning to walk into the airport, dragging his suitcase behind him. He’d check in his own, but he’d let Dan take care of himself. Sometimes on days like today that’s what they both needed, the space.

The line for luggage check is a short one, thankfully, so Phil only has to wait a few minutes before he can hand over his red suitcase, smiling politely when the woman greets him. “Isle of Man, huh? Anything exciting going on over there?”

Phil tries not to be annoyed. She was just making idle chit chat, he couldn’t fault her for just doing her job, even on a day when he’d rather not speak to anyone. “Not particularly, just visiting my family.”

She smiles broadly and hands him the other end of the luggage tag. “That’s lovely, dear. You know most young men don’t make time for their family, these days. They’re so busy with girlfriends and dating.” She waves a dismissive hand. “It’s nice to see a nice boy going home to see his family.”

He smiles tightly as he shoves the paper she’d handed him into his backpack. “Right. Have a good day,” he says awkwardly as he moves away from the counter, desperate to end that conversation.

She responds with a similar sentiment before turning to repeat the interaction with the next person in line. It must be a dreary life, he suddenly thinks, living like that, repeating the same actions over and over again, with random stranger after random stranger. He doesn’t envy her job at all, even on the days when his own feels particularly stifling.

He’s still considering the whole airport concierge thing and how much of a bum deal it is when he walks into a Starbucks. There are several people stood in line, several of them in business casual attire, as well as one young mum with a fussy toddler. Phil can’t help but study the little child’s face, splotchy with all the tears they’ve likely cried. He feels a tug in his chest and has to divert his gaze when the baby looks directly at him, an unexplained weight on his heart.

After waiting for several long minutes, finally it’s Phil’s turn to order. “I’ll have two caramel macchiatos to go, please.”

The barista doesn’t look at him as she asks what size, reaching for the cups before he’s even opened his mouth. “The names?” She asks then, her pen already poised above the plastic.

“Uh, Dan and Phil.”

She nods, gesturing for him to step aside and wait while she takes the order of the next people in line. He shoves his hands into his pockets as his gaze flits around the café, idly acknowledging all the lives that are being lived right in front of him. It’s strange, he thinks, that these are all people who have their own lives and their own dreams and hopes and aspirations, and he’s just passing through their day. It was even stranger when he considered that the reverse was true; he had his own life, problems, and hopes for the future, and these people were just passersby. With a start, he realizes that nearly everyone in his life was a passerby.

“Dan!” The barista calls out. “Phil!”

Right. Dan wasn’t a passerby. But on days like today, sometimes it felt that he might as well be. “Thanks,” he says to the barista, shoving his phone in his pocket and grabbing both of the drinks.

He’s careful as he makes his way out of the coffee shop, glancing around in search of his boyfriend. Dan really wasn’t a hard guy to spot, being so tall and everything, so Phil spots him pretty quickly. He’s stood at the luggage counter, his backpack slung on one shoulder as he shoves something inside it. Phil decides to wait where he’s at, since there was quite a lot of people stood between himself and Dan, which could easily be a disaster with his clumsy feet.

Dan must feel Phil’s gaze, because his head tilts up and his eyes start scanning the area, a confused look on his face. As soon as their gazes meet, his shoulders relax. Phil can’t help but feel a little bit pleased at the reaction, at the fact that even on his bad days, Dan still finds comfort in his familiar presence.

“I got you a drink as well,” Phil says in lieu of a hello when Dan reaches him, holding the drink out instead.

“Is it some of your festive bullshit?” Dan asks as he takes the cup, his tone only slightly less bitter than it had been earlier. Phil thinks he’s probably genuinely trying to make a joke, even though his voice would suggest otherwise. Phil almost acts on the slight offense he feels, but he can tell that Dan’s exhausted from fighting the demons in his head, and really, he can’t fault him for his body’s messy chemistry.

Instead, he forces a smile and gently places his now empty hand on Dan’s lower back to guide him in the direction of their gate. “No, I figured I’d give you a break from that.”

Dan’s eyes flicker at this, and he looks a little surprised. Instead of saying anything, he takes a sip of the drink. There’s a shift of his expression then, and if Phil hadn’t been studying him so closely he’d have missed it entirely. A tiny twitch of his lips, a signal that he understands why Phil ordered this for him, and maybe even appreciates it. That theory is proven correct when he leans just slightly against Phil’s side. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

Phil’s heart clenches. There he is. “You’re welcome, baby.”

Dan closes his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to be led and trusting that Phil won’t lead him astray. It’s a trust that Phil takes seriously, one that he would die a hundred times for in order to keep that trust intact.

Well, maybe that’s a little dramatic, which is usually Dan’s thing.

Still, Phil is careful not to lead Dan straight into any walls or unsuspecting airport goers.

~~~

“Could you turn that down?” Dan snaps.

Phil sighs deeply. Whatever moment of peace they’d had has been thoroughly shattered for some reason, and now Dan is back to being a proper twat. It wasn’t that Phil wasn’t used to this; he was, and that was the problem. That’s not to say that Dan was always like this, of course he wasn’t. But it was just that for some reason it seemed worse this time, almost like Dan was trying to outdo himself by seeing how much of a dick he could be to his boyfriend. It was a challenge Phil felt their relationship could probably do without.

“Sorry,” Phil mumbles, turning down his music just as Dan had asked him. “Better?” He doesn’t intend to mock Dan, and his tone is soft.

Dan glances over at him from where he’d been writing in his journal and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, thanks.” His words are dripping with sarcasm, but Phil resigns himself to accept that for now.

They had been waiting for nearly half an hour at the gate now, and if the time on his phone was correct, Phil deduced that they’d be boarding their flight in about fifteen minutes, if everything went to schedule. He really doesn’t want to be stuck next to a moody Dan for an hour-long flight, but right now it’s looking like he might not have a choice.

It’s unfortunate, really, he thinks, that Dan is in such a state right now. It was only a few days before Christmas, and Phil’s stomach churns with the idea that they might not be over their row by Christmas Day. He glances over at Dan for probably the fifth time in as many minutes, desperate to fix things somehow.

But he couldn’t fix Dan. He knew that better than anyone. There’d been attempts, of course, at the beginning. There’d been long arguments and slammed doors, tears and screaming, ignored messages and empty flats. Dan’s depression was something he’d had to learn to live with, and on the days that it didn’t control their lives, Phil swore that Dan was the best thing that had ever happened to him, when even Dan himself didn’t believe it.

He wonders, idly, if maybe he made it worse. If maybe his affection for Dan was weighing him down, if maybe it made Dan feel too responsible, too vulnerable. Maybe that was true on the bad days, but on the good ones, Phil figured that Dan loved him just as much as he loved Dan.

On a whim, he pulls out his phone and types a quick message. He locks his phone immediately after, dropping it back to his lap as he tilts his head to study Dan for a reaction.

Dan’s phone dings in the silence, and he nearly jumps at the sound. Phil suppresses a smile at that. Dan digs into his pocket and pulls it out, allowing his journal to close, momentarily forgotten. Phil spares a glance at the leather, a loathing so deep pooling in his chest before he swallows it down.

There’s a complicated look on Dan’s face. His eyebrows are furrowed as he stares at his phone, but Phil sees the way his eyes gloss over and he twists his lips, drawing his bottom one in between his teeth to chew on. It’s a habit Phil hates, but one that he’s learned to live with, just like all the other parts of Dan.

After a moment, Dan’s gaze flicks to Phil’s. Phil offers him a small smile. Dan nods, a jerky movement, before his thumbs fly over the keyboard to type a response, Phil assumes. A second later, Phil’s own phone buzzes, and he looks down at it with a feeling of trepidation in his chest. It was always a gamble on days like today, the kind of reaction he’d get from sharing his affection with this man.

This time, he’s beyond pleased with the response he sees.

Phil: I love you.

Dan: I love you more.

Of course, that doesn’t undo the things Dan had said today, and of course there’d be tearful apologies later, followed by a proper conversation about what needed to be done to prevent these things from being harmful to their relationship going forward. But for right now, there was this. There was Phil, loving Dan more than he felt he’d ever loved another person, and there was Dan, returning that love.

And for now, that could be enough.

~~~

“Phil?” Dan whispers. His voice is close to Phil’s ear, and when Phil turns to look at him, their noses barely brush.

“Hm?” Phil asks distractedly. It may have been three years of their relationship now, but that didn’t change the fact that Dan was irresistible to him, even with his chapped lips and furrowed eyebrows.

“I want to take a nap,” he’s still whispering, even though no one around them appears to be sleeping or disturbed by their quiet conversation.

Phil can’t help the small smile that creeps onto his lips. “C’mere,” he shoves the arm rest separating them up and out of the way before holding an arm out in invitation.

Dan hesitates, as he always does, and takes a quick glance around. They were both out and secure of their sexualities and their relationship, but the things that bother Dan about PDA aren’t the same things that bother Phil, so sometimes it wasn’t something they shared. For now, though, Dan seems comfortable and relaxed enough not to care what people might think. He leans into Phil, snuggling close to his chest and allowing him to wrap an arm around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles against Phil’s jacket. “For being a dick. I don’t… Today’s not a good day.”

“I know,” Phil says, trying not to sound bitter. He presses a kiss to Dan’s hair to soothe the subtle accusation. “It’ll be a long day, but if you want to go to the bedroom and nap when we get there, you can. Mum won’t mind.”

Dan sighs. “Kath’s a saint, she wouldn’t mind if I asked to be fed exclusively cake the whole time we’re there.”

Phil lets out a giggle. “She’d gladly feed us cake and tea the whole time. She might sneak some chopped up carrots in there, though.”

Dan crinkles his nose adorably. “Nevermind, your mum is a psychopath.”

“I’m telling her you said that,” Phil teases.

“No! I can’t lose my favoritism!” Dan protests.

“Your favoritism? Out of what, the two of us?”

Dan smiles, but shakes his head. “Out of me and Cornelia.”

Phil laughs outright at this. “Babe, I hate to break it to you, but Cornelia definitely has superiority in that department.”

“She does not!” Dan’s pouting, but Phil knows it’s in jest. He’s tilted his head to stare up at Phil, and something about the angle of it is so cute, he can’t help leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose.

“She’s been there longer, there’s definitely superiority there,” Phil says, not missing the blush that’s lingering on Dan’s cheeks now.

“Whatever. I’m your mum’s only son-in-law, so I’m still special.”

He’s joking, of course. They aren’t married. Yet, at least. They have discussed it, a little, and are at least in the same chapter, although Phil isn’t sure they’re quite on the same page yet. Though, at the start of their relationship they weren’t even in the same book, so he figures it takes time for a decision like that to be made.

“You’re special to me,” Phil concedes, his voice dripping with sweetness.

Dan crinkles his nose at the sentiment. “Ew. Don’t be sappy.”

Phil huffs out a quiet laugh. “Okay. I’ll be sure to tone down my affection for you.”

A sad smile twists at Dan’s lips then. “Right,” he says, a little disappointed.

“I’m kidding,” Phil reassures him softly. When Dan glances up at him, Phil presses a quick kiss to his temple. “I don’t pretend, not about you.”

He sees the way this affects Dan in how the younger man swallows hard, blinking fast as he ducks his head. He presses impossibly closer to Phil now, and Phil isn’t sure if he imagines the feelings of lips against his shoulder or if it’s real. “I love you,” Dan whispers.

Phil ducks his head to press his mouth to Dan’s ear. “I love you more, babe.” He knows the pet name gets to Dan; it always has.

Dan lets out a shaky laugh. “Not possible.”

And Phil doesn’t want to argue with Dan, not while he’s being sweet and flirty and pliant like this. Instead, Phil drops another kiss to his curls before leaning his head against Dan’s and closing his eyes. “Nap time?”

“Yeah,” Dan replies in a soft voice. “Are you sleeping too?”

Phil glances out the window, surveying the rather impressive view they have. “No, actually I think I’m okay. But you should get some rest, you need it.”

Dan crinkles his nose but doesn’t protest. He nuzzles against Phil’s shoulder in the most adorable way, and Phil has to bite his tongue to hold back a coo that he knows would only embarrass Dan. “Night, love,” he whispers, turning his gaze back to the window.

Like every time he takes a flight with his boyfriend, his mind is thrusted back into that place where they met, and the first flight they took together to head back home to London. Phil never told Dan, but on some level he did consider that their first trip together, even though they had technically only met and hadn’t even made things official at the time. He spares a glance at the man beside him, studying the way a curl is hung over his eyebrow. The creases in his forehead haven’t fully smoothed out yet, and Phil knows he’s not actually asleep yet. If he really wanted to, he could poke his cheek and keep him awake, reflecting on that first trip with him.

But as it were, Dan was already in a mood, and Phil didn’t want to make it worse. So, he’d let him sleep and think about that day to himself, without Dan’s introspective comments there dissecting every moment Phil is fond of.

~~~

3 years ago, Orlando National Airport

“Rock, paper, scissors for the window seat?” Dan suggests with a sheepish smile.

They were probably holding up traffic, honestly, as there was a line of frazzled flyers behind them. Phil would love to indulge Dan in yet another one of his little games, but this time he figures it’s in their best interest to let it go for now. “I’ll take the window seat this time, you can have it next time,” Phil negotiates, not even realizing how presumptuous it sounds until Dan quirks an eyebrow at him. “I mean-“

“Sit down, Phil,” Dan says with a good-natured roll of his eyes.

Phil gives the other passengers an apologetic smile for the short hold up before scooting into the row and settling himself into the window seat. Dan is right behind him, settling closer than is probably strictly necessary. Sure, they were both large men and this was a small airplane, but still, Phil thought that maybe their thighs pressed closely together was just a preference.

“Close, innit?” Phil teases gently.

Dan squints at him. “I don’t think so, no. We’re still in Florida, Phil, we won’t be close for quite some time.” At first, Phil is a little taken aback, but as soon as he goes to elaborate, Dan grins cheekily.

“You knew what I meant,” he says with a roll of his eyes.

The brunette only laughs cheerily. “I did.”

Phil knows he’s got a fond look on his face, but he doesn’t know how to tone it down. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Predictably, Dan’s face floods with color, clearly not adjusted to hearing these kinds of compliments. “Am I?”

“Yeah,” Phil says, his voice decisive. “You are.”

They entertain themselves with I Spy for a little while, but eventually Dan announces that he wants to play an “adult game,” which unsurprisingly, got the attention of several adults sat around them, and more than a few raised eyebrows. If Phil thought he could make Dan blush, it was really nothing compared to the color on his cheeks now. He mumbles an apology while Phil is sat shaking with silent laughter, shrugging helplessly when Dan glares at him.

“You know what I meant!” Dan hisses.

Phil quirks an eyebrow with a smirk. “What “adult games” did you have in mind, Danny?” Dan punches his arm, causing Phil to yelp in surprise. “Dan!” he whisper-shouts.

Dan is just on the verge of telling him off when they’re interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Phil glances up, face flooding with heat when he locks eyes with the flight attendant. There must be something that gives it away on his face, because Dan’s eyes widen comically.

“Excuse me, sirs, I’m going to have to ask you lower your voices, you’re disturbing some of the other passengers.”

Before Phil has the chance to stutter out some half-assed apology, Dan speaks. “Yes ma’am, terribly sorry about that, my boyfriend was choking on an almond.”

The woman has a bored, disbelieving look on her face. “Right, well, just keep it down, lads.”

They both nod, Dan hiding a smirk as he looks back over at Phil. As soon as the flight attendant is gone, Dan lifts his head, his nose up in the air in what is clearly an imitation of the lady. “Keep it in your pants, boys,” he says, imitating her accent.

Phil tries not to laugh, he really does, but the giggles spill out against his will, and he just barely manages to cover his mouth to contain them. “Shut up!” He whispers in reprimand. “She’ll come back and- and-“

“And what?” Dan challenges. “Kick us off the plane?”

“Well… No, probably not that, but-“

“The worst she could do is probably have the pilot ask us not to fly with this airline ever again,” Dan says, rolling his eyes.

Phil balks. “Well I don’t want that! I like this airline, thanks very much.”

Dan’s lips twist into something resembling a smirk. “I’m sure you could afford much nicer flights with your big editor bucks,” he says flippantly. There are definitely bitter undertones in his voice, but Phil pretends not to notice.

“I like to live modestly, actually,” Phil says as casually as he can. He did actually make rather good money, but that wasn’t something he really liked talking about, especially since he wasn’t entirely sure that Dan’s financial situation was a good one.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Dan asks, almost tauntingly. “Like to look humble or whatever?”

Phil cracks a smile at the way Dan’s eyes fall as soon as the words are out, clearly regretful of his words. “Nah, I just like spoiling my boyfriend and I can’t do that if I blow all my money on fancy airplane flights.”

Dan’s mouth literally drops open at that, and Phil can’t pass up the chance to be just a little cheeky. He gently strokes his chin before tilting it up so that Dan’s mouth closes. “Careful, babe,” he whispers. “You’ll catch a fly in that trap of yours.”

At this, Dan seems to come back to his senses, shoving Phil away and crossing his arms with a mumble. “That’s just rude.” His cheeks are slightly pinker now, though, and Phil can’t tell if it’s because of the boyfriend comment he’d casually made or if it’s because of the fly trap thing. Either way, he figured Dan couldn’t stay embarrassed too long.

Sure enough, a few moments later, Dan leans closer, staring out the window beside Phil. “It’s beautiful, huh?” He says softly.

Phil’s eyes don’t leave the brown curls and perfect dimple not two inches in front of his face. “It really is.”

Dan’s eyes flicker over to Phil, and for maybe the first time ever, Phil manages to hold his gaze after saying something so cheesy. He expects Dan to roll his eyes or huff or maybe even shove him away again, but instead, he surprises him. His gaze softens and he slowly leans closer, puckering his lips just slightly.

Phil knows they’re on a flight, a crowded one with people they don’t know who could very well be homophobic assholes. That doesn’t stop him from leaning in to close the distance, framing Dan’s lips with his own. It’s sweet and chaste, almost to a fault, but that doesn’t make it any less special to Phil.

When they part, Dan has a very pleased look on his face. “Thank you,” he says in a whispered voice.

Phil doesn’t know exactly what he’s saying it for this time, but that doesn’t stop him from responding. “You’re welcome.”

~~~

Present day

“Dan? Wake up, c’mon. The plane’s landed.”

The brunette lets Phil know exactly what he thinks about that in no uncertain terms. “Fuck off.”

“Love you too,” Phil rolls his eyes. “Get up, we’re about to get off.”

“Don’t wanna get off,” Dan mumbles, nuzzling against Phil’s shoulder once more, a pout on his lips.

Phil snorts. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that coming from you, mate.”

Dan opens his eyes at this, giving Phil an incredulous look. Phil sees the way he goes rigid, his eyes darting around as if trying to see if there’s anyone who heard. “Phil-“ he starts.

“I know, I know. Sorry.” Something about it just rubs Phil the wrong way and he shrugs Dan off his shoulder before standing. “Get up, c’mon.”

“I-“ Dan looks like he’s on the verge of apologizing, regret in his eyes, but Phil shakes his head in warning.

“Don’t,” he mumbles. “Get your stuff.”

For once, Dan doesn’t argue, doesn’t even try to make a snarky remark. Instead, he quietly shoves his arms back into his coat sleeves, grabbing his phone and shoving it in the pocket. There’s lots of people already pulling their things out of the overhead, and Dan stands to grab their shared backpack without being asked. Phil expects him to whine about it being heavy or something, but instead he just tosses it over a shoulder and stands waiting for the people in the row across to move out of their seats.

As soon as they’re off the plane and walking through to baggage claim, Phil feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. He knows without looking that it’s probably his brother, who’s supposed to be picking them up at the airport.

“Hey, Mart,” Phil answers as cheerfully as he can, standing beside Dan and watching the bags on the carousel move around at a snail’s pace.

“Hey. You off the plane?” His brother’s voice asks.

Phil resists the urge to scoff. “Well, I’m answering your call, aren’t I?” He ignores the nervous glance Dan sends him when he hears his tone.

Martyn sighs. “Don’t be a twat, please. Mum’s so excited to see you, and it’ll crush her if you’re fussed when you get here.”

“Yeah, I know,” Phil tries to soften his voice. Dan is braced beside him, almost as if he’s anticipating a fight. It makes Phil frown, and he gently reaches a hand out and brushes his knuckles against the back of Dan’s hand in what he means to be a soothing gesture. “I’m fine. Just tired. Early flight and all. Are you and Corn picking us up outside?”

“It’s just me, Cornelia wanted to stay home with mum.” His voice is uncharacteristically nervous now, and Phil doesn’t quite know what to make of that.

“Okay. We’ll be outside in a minute, we’re at claim right now.”

“Alright.” With that, Martyn hangs up. Phil frowns at his phone and the weird way his brother is acting. He wasn’t sure if it was just him being paranoid, but he was pretty positive that something was going on. His brother normally didn’t act quite so… anxious. But perhaps he’s projecting.

Dan has stepped away to pull his suitcase off the carousel, but Phil sees the way his eyes scan the surrounding ones for Phil’s. Trying not to brush limbs with too many people, Phil moves closer to where the carousel starts and waits until he sees the red case. When he turns around, suitcase in hand, Dan is stood just a foot away, waiting with a nervous look on his face.

“Ready?” Phil asks, offering a small smile.

Dan nods, a jerky movement. Phil cringes internally. He really didn’t mean to freak him out, but Phil couldn’t help the annoyance prickling under his skin. What he could help, he decided, was how he treated his boyfriend because of it. He takes a quick glance around and deciding everyone is far too busy to be bothered with them, he holds a hand out. Dan stares at it with wide eyes.

“Are you-“

“Yes,” Phil says softly. “Please?”

After surveying the area for himself, Dan slowly steps closer and nudges Phil’s hand with his own, intertwining their fingers loosely. He stares pointedly at the ground as Phil guides him out of the airport, looking around for his brother as soon as they’re outside.

“There they are! Took you long enough,” Martyn calls with a roll of his eyes. He’s stood outside the car he’d borrowed from their parents, and even with their strange phone conversation hovering in the back of his mind, Phil can’t help but smile at the sight of his brother.

“Hey, Martyn.” As it had been a few months since they’d last seen each other in person, Phil accepts the hug and even the playful hair ruffle from the older man before stepping back.

“Dan, how are you, mate?” Martyn has a pleasant smile on his face as he goes in to hug Dan as well.

Phil can’t help but smile at the slightly awkward look on his boyfriend’s face as he awkwardly returns the embrace. He felt accepted by Phil’s family by now, Phil knew, but it probably was a little uncomfortable to be so warmly welcomed by someone he saw maybe once or twice a month. “Good, good. How are you and Corny doing?”

Like Dan, Cornelia understood the feeling of being the significant other of a Lester boy, which made her his closest confidant during all the family visits they all took part in. Dan had once confessed to Phil how much more at ease he felt with her around, and Phil was honestly relieved that Cornelia helped settle Dan’s nerves and made him feel more welcomed.

“We’re doing well, yeah.” There’s a twitch of Martyn’s lips then, and Phil just barely sees it, but it has him furrowing his eyebrows in curiosity the moment he notices it. Before he has the chance to question him, though, Martyn is waving them over to the car, taking their suitcases and shoving them in the boot with a carelessness that makes the careful part of Phil cringe. “C’mon, now, Mum’s waiting for us to get back.”

Phil grumbles but follows the instructions, moving to sit in the back with Dan. Martyn gives him a look at this, and Phil glares. “What?” He demands.

“When was the surgery?” He asks, his voice painfully nonchalant.

Furrowing his brows, Phil shares a confused look with Dan before turning to look helplessly at his brother. “What surgery?”

“Oh, the surgery where you two got physically connected at the hip.” He’s clearly teasing, his voice light and just this side of laughter, but the effect on Dan is instant.

Slowly and carefully, he pulls his hand out from under Phil’s, tucking it under his own thigh and turning his head to gaze out the window. Quietly, he mumbles, “We aren’t connected at the hip.”

He sounds hurt, but of course Phil’s brother has no idea how Dan’s mind works. He’s got no idea the struggle Dan has had finding his own independence and feeling like his own person, especially since he and Phil started dating. Martyn doesn’t know how many nights Phil has sat up holding Dan to his chest as the younger man cried his eyes out, struggling with himself to find any meaning to his existence.

Martyn didn’t know any of this, and with a single sentence, he’d sent a wrecking ball into Dan’s carefully constructed understanding of himself and his personality.

Trying to undo the damage Martyn had unknowingly done, Phil sits up straight and locks eyes with his brother in the rearview mirror. “Dan’s his own person. Intimacy doesn’t default the settings of his personality to zero, Martyn.”

His brother looks just as surprised as Phil feels at his slight outburst, but mutters a quiet apology nonetheless. The car is filled with a sort of nervous silence then, as Phil waits for Martyn to say something or for Dan to react to what he’d said. Luckily, both work out just fine.

Just as Martyn begins telling a story about a Polish man who’d been on he and Cornelia’s flight, Dan’s hand comes to settle on Phil’s thigh. When Phil glances over at him, Dan is already looking back, a soft, fond look on his face. He squeezes Phil’s leg just once before offering him a smile and turning back to gazing out the window.

It wasn’t much, and it was probably only a small step in recovering him from what Martyn had flippantly said, but Phil hoped that it could be enough for now.

~~~

When they finally pull up outside of the house, Dan has seemingly recovered from the incident, and looks excited to be there. Phil can’t help but smile at this. He knew how much Dan enjoyed spending time with his family, and it never ceased to make him smile when he saw how Dan lit up as he interacted with Phil’s family. They get out of the car and move to get their things out of the back, Martyn leaving them to go open the door.

Dan takes a deep inhale as he stands beside Phil, suitcase in hand. “The air feels different here, you know,” he says, his voice nearly a whisper.

“It’s the sea,” Phil tells him, his standard response when Dan say something of the sort when they’re here. Because he did, he always mentioned how much he loved it there, every time.

When Phil turns around to face him, Dan is staring down at his hands. “It’s… Yeah, maybe it’s just the sea.” He sounds disbelieving, even to Phil’s ears, but before Phil has a chance to respond, the front door is swinging open again.

“Are you two ever going to come inside? It’s literally freezing out here, and I’m not just gonna stand here with the door open,” Martyn grouches.

“Yeah, yeah. We’re coming.” Phil gently presses his hand to the small of Dan’s back, gently guiding him forward. “C’mon, they’re waiting for us.”

Dan lets himself be guided into the house, much to Martyn’s relief. “Mum’s in the kitchen, I think she’s making tea.”

Phil sets his suitcase down near the front door, leaving it there while he shoves his shoes off, kicking them out of the way. Dan follows his actions in a near robotic way, but Phil knows he’s always a little weird about it when they first get there. “Well we better not keep her waiting then.”

As soon as they step into the kitchen, Phil is met with a warm, tight hug. “Philip, honey, I missed you!”

“Hey, Mum,” he says gently, tilting his head to rest his cheek against her hair. Sometimes it was honestly laughable how much taller he was than her.

“Have you been eating enough? You and-“ She pulls away suddenly, holding him by his arms as she cranes her neck, searching. Phil can’t hide his smirk as her eyes land on Dan, immediately filling with fondness. “Dan! Come here, come give an old woman a hug!”

Dan laughs, a little red patch on his cheek as he steps forward and holds his arms out for a hug. “Hi, Kath,” he says softly.

She squeezes him in the same way she had Phil before stepping back and looking up at both of them. “Oh, I’m so glad you both could come. Phil was so nervous when he asked if you could come for Christmas, and obviously I said yes, you’re one of my children too, Dan, and-“

“Mum,” Phil intervenes, clearing his throat. His face is warm, and he avoids the shit-eating grin that Dan is sending his way. “I heard something about tea?” He tries desperately to change the subject.

“Oh!” She spins around quickly, hurrying back over to the counter where the cups were waiting. “Yes, yes, of course. Go on and sit down, I’ll bring everything into the lounge.”

Phil turns to do just that, but Dan, ever the suck-up, steps towards his mother instead. “Is there anything I can help with?” he asks sweetly.

And Phil really wants to make fun of him for being a suck-up, really, he does, but no matter how hard he tries, he can only find it maddeningly endearing that Dan would go through the trouble of being so sweet to his family every time he visits.

“Oh, no, I’ve got it, dear, thank you.” Kath is just as endeared by it as Phil is, he can tell. She waves them away, though, but as soon as they’re out of the kitchen, they hear her call, “Martyn! Could you be a dear and come here for a minute?”

Phil snickers into the palm of his hand as his brother meets them in the hallway, a grimace on his face when he sees them walking out empty-handed. “Useless, the lot of you,” he mumbles. He shoves past Phil into the kitchen, and Phil pauses to listen in. “Did you need help with anything, Mum?” He asks kindly. That just sends Phil into another fit of giggles, and Dan digs an elbow into his side.

“Shush!” He laughs.

They end up in the lounge, finding Cornelia sat on the sofa, a scrapbook in her lap. She looks up when they walk in, her face flooding with pleasant surprise when she sees them. “Hey! Martyn said you’d arrived!” She gets up and holds her arms out for an embrace, which both of them indulge her in. It’s a little funny, since she’s even shorter than Phil’s mum, but it fills him with a flood of warmth anyway. “How’ve you been?” Cornelia steps away then, her gaze flicking between the two of them, settling on Dan just a fraction of a second longer than normal.

“Good, we’ve been good,” Dan surprises Phil by being the one to answer first. “Yeah, how’re you?”

Cornelia bites her lip for a second, almost hesitantly, and that feeling is back again, that feeling that there’s something Phil doesn’t know going on. He doesn’t like it at all, the way it twists his insides and makes him feel nauseous. “I’m good, really good. How was the flight?”

They settle onto the sofa with her, small-talking about the flight and what they’ve been up to lately. Phil carefully doesn’t mention work, his or Dan’s, and he notices the way Dan flinches when Cornelia says something about her own job, carefully steering the conversation into safer territory the moment he gets the chance.

A few minutes later, they’re joined by Martyn and their mum, who informs them that Nigel is just out getting some groceries for a bit. They settle into easy conversation, with Kath telling them all about her garden and a lovely couple she and Nigel met at their favorite restaurant. Martyn is sat on the armchair closest to Cornelia, and for the first time in years, Phil notices him being oddly affectionate with her. It’s not that they never shared little moments together in the company of family, but Phil had always noticed a reservation in them that he and Dan were only just adapting to in their own relationship.

Eventually, it seems to come to the attention of their mum, who makes no qualms about calling them out on it. “Martyn, what on earth are you so hyper about?” She asks, cutting herself off from a different story entirely.

Martyn’s head snaps up immediately, and only then does Phil notice his leg is bouncing wildly. Phil shares a confused glance with Dan before turning and trying to catch his brother’s eyes, to no avail.

Chewing his lip, Martyn glances over at Cornelia, his eyes pleading. “Should we wait?”

Cornelia slaps his arm playfully. “Your dad should be here, love.”

Clearly, whatever it is holds some importance if Martyn doesn’t want to tell them without their dad present. “What is it? We can act surprised when he gets here,” Phil is nearly bouncing in his seat now, excited for the surprise. Were they getting married? Getting a dog? Buying everyone a luxury cruise ship ticket for Christmas?

Okay, so the last one was probably a little farfetched, but Phil could dream.

Martyn rolls his eyes at his brother. “You’ll find out when dad does, idiot.”

Almost on cue, they hear a voice from the edge of the lounge. “Find what out?”

“Dad!” Phil grins as he stands to greet him.

Nigel has a pleased smile on his face as he pulls Phil into a hug. “How’re you doing, son?”

Phil nods after he steps away. “I’m doing well, yeah.” He glances over to the couch to find Dan hovering awkwardly, clearly unsure if he should come over for a hello or not. Phil subtly gestures him over, and Dan seems to take that as all the encouragement he needs.

“Daniel, how have you been? We’re glad you could come,” Nigel greets pleasantly, holding his hand out for a much more business-like handshake.

Phil tries not to let it bother him. He knows his dad isn’t homophobic, but he did have a hard time adjusting to the idea that one of his sons preferred the company of other men. And he’d proven time and again that he considered Dan a part of this family, but that didn’t change the fact that Phil still wished there was a little more affection there. It was silly, but in a way, he wished that his dad could be a surrogate for Dan’s own father, though he’d never say it.

“Thanks for having me, I really enjoy visiting,” Dan says politely.

Nigel smiles again before turning to the rest of them. “Now, what did I walk in on? What are we waiting to tell me?”

Martyn glances at Cornelia, widening his eyes pleadingly. She rolls her eyes fondly, but nods. Martyn grins and turns to look at his family, taking his girlfriend’s hand in his own. Phil feels like the room is holding its breath as they all wait for this announcement. His brother’s eyes flick over his face before moving to their dad’s, coming to settle on their mum as he opens his mouth to speak.

And honestly, of all the things that Phil expected them to say, what he hadn’t thought to expect was-

“We’re having a baby.”

Silence.

And then, predictably- “Oh, love, I’m so happy for you!” Their mother is already blubbering as Martyn goes over to her, crouching down and giving her a hug. “I’m going to be a grandma!”

“You are, yeah,” Martyn says gently. His eyes are wet, and Phil can feel a phantom smile on his lips. He knows he’s happy for his brother, of course he is, but something in his chest is twisting and he can’t quite make it stop.

He feels a hand clench his then, and his eyes slowly move over to stare at his boyfriend. Except Dan isn’t even looking at him. He’s not looking at anyone, actually.

He’s staring out the window, something like hopelessness on his face as he squeezes Phil’s hand. And Phil knows, he just knows what Dan’s thinking, how he’s feeling- because honestly Phil is feeling it too, just a bit.

But when his brother turns to look at him, looking a little hesitant, Phil stands and gives him a bone-crushing hug. “I’m really happy for you guys, Mart.”

“Thanks,” Martyn grins, pulling away and messing Phil’s hair up. “Means a lot from my little brother.”

Phil grumbles before turning to give Cornelia a pitiful look. “You really did pick the worst man to have a child with, Corny, I swear.”

She laughs, her eyes a little red too. He gathers her in a hug, mumbling a congratulations into her ear. When she pulls away, her eyes scan around the room before settling on Dan. Something sad is on her face now, and it makes Phil’s stomach twist. “Dan?”

The brunette slowly meets her gaze, forcing a smile that Phil hopes looks authentic to everyone else. “I’m really excited for you, Corn. That’s great news.”

She smiles broadly at this, settling Phil’s nerves just slightly. It was one thing for him to know that Dan was having an off day; he was his boyfriend, he knew him better than anyone else. But for someone else to notice it, well that usually wasn’t very good. “Thanks, love.” She goes to sit with him then, and he’s quick to wrap her into a hug. Phil can see her speaking into his ear, but he can’t make out what exactly she’s saying. He does notice, though, the way that Dan’s eyes fill with tears.

Before he can attend to that, his mum is exclaiming that they need to get ready to go out for a celebratory dinner, ushering everyone out of the lounge. She interrupts whatever moment Dan and Cornelia had been having to pull her into a hug, and Phil watches as Dan excuses himself, moving to grab his suitcase and escape to their room no doubt. As he watches him slip away silently, Phil can’t help but feel like this is the calm before the storm.

~~~

Dinner is quite an affair, if Phil is honest. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but he does find himself relieved when his parents call for the check. Dan had been quieter than usual, but it was honestly hard to tell if it was a Dan thing or because of all the attention on Martyn and Cornelia’s news. Either way, Phil knew he needed to have a word with Dan as soon as they had some privacy.

But as it turns out, that’s a harder feat than it should be, as the moment they get home, Phil’s mum demands that they look through old scrapbooks, or as Phil likes to see it, embarrass her two adult children in front of their significant others for several hours. It was something she was quite well known for at this point, and Phil honestly didn’t understand why she had to pull them out every single time they were there, but he’d indulge her anyway.

“And here’s Phil, when he was Superman. Isn’t he cute?” Kath is sat on the sofa between Cornelia and Dan, while Phil and Martyn sit in either of the armchairs in the room, silently protesting.

“Look at that hair! Babe, you should really give the ginger thing a go again, I think it’d suit you,” Dan says with a Cheshire grin.

Phil tries not to be petty, but if he accidentally sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend, then it’s surely just an accident.

“Aw, is this Martyn?” Cornelia asks, pointing to a photo.

Kath smiles proudly. “It sure is! And that’s Phil, of course. Tiny little thing, wasn’t he?”

Dan smiles, a soft look on his face. Phil is already cringing, expecting Dan to make some sort of horrible innuendo, but he’s surprised when that’s not at all what happens. “Sometimes when I see kids, especially like baby Phil, I just feel so warm and fuzzy, like I can’t wait to have kids,” he shares, still staring at the photo.

Cornelia smiles fondly, and Kath makes a cooing noise. Phil, however, is completely floored. They hadn’t really talked much about kids, and he honestly didn’t know just what to make of Dan’s comment. On the one hand, he was surprised, because he didn’t really expect that to be something Dan wanted, but on the other, the words cause a spark of warmth in his chest.

Dan must feel Phil’s gaze on him, and his eyes flick up to meet Phil’s, an embarrassed look on his face. “Not with you, obviously,” he says quickly, red creeping up his neck.

And he laughs, as does pretty much everyone else. And Phil tries to, he does, but something about the comment, quick and short as it was, is like a stone in Phil’s already sinking chest. He feels small, now, and honestly, a little humiliated. Dan and his family carry on talking and laughing as if Dan hadn’t just said that, as if Phil isn’t currently swimming in doubt and insecurity.

Phil reasons with himself that it’s likely just a joke, Dan is only kidding when he says things like that, usually. But the insecure part of himself, the part that still feels some doubt when Dan says he loves him, is wild and restless. He sits there for as long as he can, listening to his mother, Dan, and Cornelia sit and gush over the pictures. He can’t call it watching, because for most of that time, his eyes are on the ceiling, or the floor, or just on his shoes.

Eventually, when it’s clear that they aren’t going to be finished anytime soon, Phil stands, startling everyone else, even Martyn, who’s finally joined in on the fun. “I’m not feeling well, I think I’ll go to bed,” he announces, his voice a little shakier than he’d like.

Dan is immediately on his feet, looking a worried all of a sudden. “Is it a migraine? Are you dizzy?” He asks, bringing a hand up to feel his forehead, clearly checking for a temperature.

Phil shakes his head, staring into warm brown eyes and wishing more than anything they didn’t make him feel the anxiety that he currently feels. Ignoring the eyes of his family, he leans in, cupping Dan’s cheek and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. It wasn’t too often that he and Dan were overtly affectionate in front of their families, but when they were, it was always Phil’s family. It was a safe space for both of them, but when Dan pulls away just a second sooner than Phil would’ve liked, he can’t say he’s too surprised to find the look of panic in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” Phil reassures him quietly, trying to ignore the way he too feels a little awkward now. “Just…” He scrambles for an explanation before realizing he can sort of tell the truth. “Just a little nauseous.”

“Do you need some ginger ale? Or-“ Dan starts, his eyebrows furrowed.

“No, it’s fine,” Phil says, a little too quickly.

Dan frowns deeply at this. “Okay… Do you want me to come lay down with you?”

Phil shakes his head. “I’ll be fine, you should stay down here and visit. Find some good blackmail pictures from my childhood,” he says, trying to force a smile. He knows he’s failed by the way that Dan stares at him.

“Okay…” He says finally, slowly moving to sit back on the sofa. “I’ll… um, I’ll be up in a bit, then.”

“Yeah,” Phil says with a tiny smile. He gives his mum and Cornelia a hug, and punches Martyn in the shoulder in goodnight. Dan watches him, a helpless look on his face as his eyes follow Phil out of the room.

~~~

Roughly 2.5 years ago, London

“You know, I think that was one of the best plays I’ve seen on the West End since I moved to London,” Dan enthuses. They’re just now leaving the theatre, and Phil is smiling as he tucks his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah?” He asks, pleased that Dan had seemingly enjoyed it. “I’m glad you had a nice time, love.”

Dan has a grin on his face when he turns to look at Phil. “The night doesn’t have to end there, though, does it?” he asks, his eyes holding a certain kind of mischief that Phil has grown quite fond of over the last couple of months.

He smiles as he steps closer to Dan, hooking an arm around his waist. “Hmm. I guess it depends on what you’re suggesting, Howell.”

At the mention of his name, or maybe the display of affection, Dan stiffens. His eyes are already scanning around, and while it’s still not something Phil really understands, he’s adjusted to this odd behavior of Dan’s when they’re in public. “Right, um,” Dan says awkwardly as he steps just a little bit out of Phil’s grasp.

Phil tries to hide his frown, but he can’t hide the way his skin crawls with disgust at his own behavior. He knew Dan had a thing with PDA, and yet there he is, crossing that boundary like he’s got some sort of free pass to do it. It makes him cringe. “So, did you want to… Um, did you want to come hang out at my flat?” He tries to keep his voice neutral, in case Dan’s thing with PDA is more serious than just physical gestures of affection. Even after knowing each other for six months, there were still things Phil wasn’t completely privy to, and this tendency of Dan’s was one of them.

This time, at least, Dan doesn’t act awkwardly. He seems to let out a sigh of relief before nodding with a smile. “I’d love that, yeah.”

After ordering an Uber, they stand together talking quietly until it arrives, acting like the previous situation hadn’t even occurred. By the time the car shows up, Phil is properly worked up about it, squirming with nerves as he tries to figure out a way to ask Dan about it.

Dan is chattering to him absently from where he’s sat, probably something about the show they’d just seen, but eventually Phil can’t bear it anymore. “Are you in the closet?” He blurts.

Whatever Dan had been saying comes to a screeching halt as he stares at Phil, shock on his face. “What?” he asks, almost nervously laughing.

Phil is wringing his hands as he spares a halfhearted glance at their driver, who doesn’t seem to be paying any sort of attention to them. Lowering his voice, Phil expands, “I just- I get so confused when we’re together and you just- is it me? Or are you just, like, not out? Or am I just overthinking it and you just don’t like PDA- which is fine! But I, um, I don’t know, I’m just-“

“Phil,” Dan cuts him off. “Breathe, baby.” Dan waits until Phil sucks in a deep breath, his face no doubt flushed due to Dan’s use of the pet name. “What’s got you so worked up?”

Taking a moment to breathe and gather his thoughts first helps. After a moment, Phil begins speaking again, slower this time. “You don’t let me touch you in public. Or, I mean, it just seems to make you uncomfortable when I do. And I… God, I don’t want to sound like a prat,” he pauses, sending Dan an uncomfortable grimace.

Dan doesn’t seem to be mad yet, just weary. “Go ahead, you know I don’t think you’re a prat.” When Phil doesn’t react to what he clearly meant as a joke, Dan reaches over and squeezes Phil’s knee. “You can talk to me, okay? Always.”

Sparing a glance at the driver, who seems to be much more annoyed with traffic than their conversation, Phil sneaks his hand into Dan’s, squeezing it softly. “I just feel gross. When I do that, and you go all rigid like you don’t want me to touch you.” Phil’s positive he’s got cotton growing out of his teeth, the words nearly impossible to get out of his mouth. “And I want to know, if that’s what it is, so I can stop doing it, because right now I just feel really creepy and gross about it, Dan, and I- I can’t do that anymore.”

When a few moments pass in silence, Phil works up the courage to spare a glance at Dan- and immediately wishes he hadn’t. If there’s one word he could use to describe the look on his face, it would be guilt. And Phil tries to calm his racing heart, knowing better than to get himself worked up over something that may not even be a thing at all, but the look on Dan’s face makes it nearly impossible for him to even think about calming down.

“I… I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan says eventually. Phil’s heart squeezes painfully. This is it, Dan’s going to break up with him. And they’ve barely begun dating, they haven’t even made anything official yet and- “I haven’t been entirely truthful with you.”

And oh god. There it is. Dan is going to say he’s married. Or in the secret service. Or he’s a celibate priest and being with Phil would mean breaking his vows- okay, well maybe not that last one, actually. Dan is the least religious person Phil had ever met, so he can’t quite imagine how that one would work out, but still- the panic, the fear of the unknown, consumes him.

Swallowing hard, he nods. “Okay. Can you… elaborate?” He requests, voice tight.

Dan glances at the driver now, a grimace on his face when he looks back at Phil. “Can it wait until we get to your flat? I… I think I’d like some privacy, to talk to you about this.”

That does absolutely nothing to soothe Phil’s nerves, and if anything, it just makes them even worse. Still, he nods, because it’s not like he’s going to refuse that request. Dan must notice how nervous he is though, because in the darkness of the backseat he leans over and takes Phil’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Another glance at the driver and he brings their hands up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to Phil’s knuckles tenderly. “It’s not, like, a bad thing. Okay?” He whispers. “Don’t freak yourself out. It won’t… I hope it won’t change anything between us.”

Phil nods, the movement a little jerky and a lot nervous. “Okay.”

Dan offers him a reassuring smile before staring out the window, his thumb stroking circles on the back of Phil’s hand as they’re driven to their destination.

They arrive not too long after that, and Phil stumbles out of the car with unsteady feet. “You okay?” Dan asks, moving to walk beside him in record time. Perhaps he was a vampire, Phil considered. He could date a vampire, he thought. He quickly discards the idea when he remembers he’s seen Dan sleep, which is something practically every vampire lore says they can’t do.

“Yeah,” Phil nods. “Just clumsy,” he tries to smile, but he’s not sure it looks any different than a grimace.

Dan snickers anyway. “You’re definitely clumsy, but I think it’s well cute.”

This prompts a proper smile from Phil this time, and if Dan’s answering grin is anything to go by, he’s relieved.

Phil lets them into his apartment with shaky hands, and for once his unsteady limbs are for a different reason than they normally are when he and Dan are about to be alone together for indeterminate amounts of time.

“Tea?” he offers as soon as he’s closed the door behind Dan.

“Um… Actually, can we just sit down? I really feel like I need to tell you this, before we get too comfortable.”

For the second time tonight, Phil’s mouth runs ahead of him, regardless of his thoughts. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Dan looks surprised, and then confused. “What? No? Did you- oh god, were you going to break up with me?” Now he looks panicked, and Phil nearly laughs at how ridiculous they’re both being.

“No, of course not! I just… I don’t know, I don’t really know what to expect of this little “talk” you want us to have.”

The panic on Dan’s face eases into a small smile, and he shakes his head with fondness. “No, love, I didn’t come here to break up with you. I actually want to talk to you,” he pauses here, sitting on the sofa beside Phil with a sigh. “About my job.”

Phil stares at him, confused. “Your job,” he repeats, something about that not quite making sense to him. “Why do you want to talk to me about your job?”

Dan is clearly nervous, his hands wringing together as his leg bounces. “Well, I um, haven’t told you about it yet, have I?”

“I mean… Not really? I don’t see how that’s-“

Just as he was about to explain that he didn’t understand how Dan’s job was relevant to the topic at hand here, Dan interrupts in a rush of words. “I’m a writer.”

Phil blinks.

“What?”

Sighing, Dan runs a hand through his hair, and Phil can tell his hand is shaking. “I write. That’s, um… That’s my job.”

“Okay…” Phil says slowly, as if he’s talking to a child. “What does that have to do with the… the other thing?” He’s not entirely sure what to call it.

Dan sucks in a deep breath. “Well, I don’t suppose you’ve ever read anything I’ve written, and even if you had you probably wouldn’t know it-“

“Why wouldn’t I know it?” Phil asks.

“I have a pen name,” Dan admits quietly. ��I prefer to use that on the majority of the things that I write, because it’s… er, well, it’s…”

“What?” Phil is properly intrigued now that he’s getting this new layer of Dan knowledge, and there’s Dan, a stuttering mess and barely able to speak.

“I write erotic novels,” Dan whispers.

Phil stares at him. And stares some more. And then, to Dan’s surprise, he starts laughing. “Oh my god, you write what?”

Dan’s on his feet in a flash, his mouth set in a thin line. “I shouldn’t have even told you, it was a mistake, I-“

“Hold on, wait a minute-“ Phil quickly follows after him, gently taking Dan’s arm and spinning him away from the front door. “I wasn’t laughing at you, Dan.”

“Oh, but weren’t you?” Dan says bitterly.

Phil offers him a weak smile. “I was just- I didn’t expect that, okay? It was more just me being relieved that you didn’t say you were a porn star or a secret agent or something.”

Dan gapes at him. “You thought I was a porn star?” His voice is full of disbelief, and Phil’s face flushes with color.

“I mean- no! But I- I didn’t know what to think!” He says defensively. “Here you were, telling me we needed to talk about your job, all serious, and I thought that it was going to be something like seriously strange!”

This time, Dan raises an eyebrow as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “I just told you I write erotica… Like as in, I write porn… And you’re telling me it isn’t strange?”

Phil can’t quite tell if Dan’s offended or not, so he decides to tread lightly. “I mean, it’s different, yeah! But, I mean, loads of people have these phases where they write fanfiction and like, smut and stuff, so- Dan?”

Dan has turned around, heading straight for the door. Phil follows close behind him, confused. “I thought I could tell you, thought that you wouldn’t judge me, but I see now that I was wrong.”

“What? I’m not- Dan, I don’t care what you do for a living, it doesn’t matter to me if you write porn.”

Dan spins around so fast it nearly makes Phil dizzy. “A phase? I do this as a career, Phil. People buy these books, and you just- just-“

“Just didn’t know what to say,” Phil says gently, slowly reaching out for Dan. When Dan doesn’t flinch away, Phil carefully slides his hand up to rest at the back of Dan’s neck, holding him close. “I’m sorry if I offended you, baby. I didn’t mean to, if I did. I just… you just caught me off guard, is all.”

After a few moments of silence, more than enough time for Phil to start feeling uneasy again about what he’d said, Dan finally speaks. “You promise you don’t think it’s too weird to date someone who writes porn?”

Phil smiles. “I promise I think it’s just weird enough. I don’t care what you do for a living, Dan, I’m just happy you finally shared it with me.”

Dan huffs out a breath, still very clearly agitated. “Okay.” He concedes. “If you say so.”

“I do,” Phil says. His voice is just a little too gentle, and he clears his throat, his eyes shifting away from Dan’s once he realizes what he’d just said.

Luckily, Dan seems to find it cute rather than weird. He laughs, rolling his eyes teasingly. “Did you want to play some video games or something?” He asks, switching the topic entirely.

Phil waggles his eyebrows playfully. “Or something?”

Despite his earlier comments, Dan’s face does fall slightly at this comment. “I actually… I was thinking that before we do… well, that,” he stutters out with red cheeks. “We could have, like, a proper fancy date.”

“Oh,” Phil says, a little surprised. “Okay. If that’s what you want. I’d love to take you out to a fancy restaurant or something. Actually-“

“Can I ask?” Dan requests softly. “I want to ask you on the date.”

Phil smiles at him before leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek. He was so cute sometimes. “Of course, you can, babe.”

“I want to take you to a skybar, my treat. So, Phil, would you like to go on a date with me, say, next Friday evening?”

There’s nothing to stop the grin on Phil’s face at this. “I’d love to.”

~~~

Present day

It’s late when Dan decides to bless Phil with his presence. Not ridiculously late or anything, no, but Phil has all but convinced himself that Dan wasn’t coming to bed at all by the time that he does show up. It’s probably only been an hour or so, but Phil could swear it feels like it’s been about four.

“Hey,” Dan whispers when he steps into the room.

Phil blinks at him in the dark, his eyes already well adjusted. “Hi.”

Dan shuffles to the end of the bed where their suitcases were laid, digging through his own for some pajamas. “Were you… um, had you been asleep?”

“You didn’t wake me up,” Phil says, knowing that’s what Dan is actually asking.

“Okay, good,” Dan mumbles in response. He looks a little awkward for a moment, like he’s on the verge of saying something else, but then he stops, shakes his head, and moves towards the bathroom.

Phil stays still, waiting patiently for his boyfriend to return. It may be their holiday, but he wanted to speak to Dan about what he’d said earlier, and he didn’t want to lose sleep over it. So, he waited until Dan came back in, neatly placing his discarded clothes back into his suitcase before moving to crawl onto the other side of the bed. He rolls over to face Phil, an oblivious smile on his face.

“Hi,” he breathes.

“What did you mean when you said that you didn’t want to have children with me?” Phil demands, the words tripping over each other in their haste to leave his mouth.

“What?” Dan looks surprised.

“Earlier with mum,” Phil explains. “You said that you didn’t want children with me. You said it was obvious.” He’s trying to keep his voice neutral, trying to sound as if it’s just another day, just another conversation about the weather or something, but even he can hear the tremor in his voice.

Dan stares at him. “You’re serious?” he asks.

“Um. Yeah?” Phil isn’t sure why it comes out as a question. He repeats himself. “Yes.”

“Phil…” Dan looks pained, but more than that, he looks uncomfortable. Phil can feel his fingers itching to touch him, so he tucks them under his armpits. “Isn’t it kind of… I dunno, early? To be talking about having kids?” He’s nervous, Phil can tell, though he hasn’t the faintest idea why. If it was so “obvious” that he wouldn’t want kids with Phil, shouldn’t he have a good answer as to why?

“We’ve been dating for three years now. I… I don’t really know how early you think is early here.”

There’s a tense silence then, and when Dan finally speaks, it’s not at all what Phil had been expecting to hear. “Okay.”

He waits for Dan to continue, to elaborate and maybe explain himself, but when that doesn’t happen, Phil squirms. “Okay, what?”

“I… I don’t know. Just, like, okay.” Dan sounds confused, and on the verge of being angry. Phil really doesn’t want them to go to sleep on an argument, but it’s late and Dan is stubborn.

But Phil is stubborn too. Stupidly so, if the next words out of his mouth are anything to go by. “So, you don’t even want to talk about it?” He can’t mask the accusation in his voice. It’s there and it’s so, so painfully loud.

“About what?” Dan closes his eyes, probably in an effort to try and escape this conversation. Phil almost wishes he had the sense to let him.

“About having kids!”

Dan sits up suddenly, startling Phil back an inch or so. “Why the hell do you want to talk about it so badly?” He hisses.

“I don’t know!” Phil cries. “But you’ve obviously thought about it, and I thought maybe that’s a discussion we needed to be having together.”

“I haven’t thought about it,” Dan denies, shaking his head. He looks away from Phil, towards the window, and Phil watches his jaw twitch.

“Then why did you say you didn’t want to have kids with me? And to my mum, of all people?” Phil can feel the anxiety crawling under his skin, its claws taking hold of his veins and making them turn cold. He hates fighting with Dan.

“Phil! I was just talking, okay? Jesus fucking Christ. I was literally just making a joke. Quit trying to make a big deal out of stupid shit.” Dan huffs out a breath then, raking his hand through his hair and making it stand up in some odd angles. If this wasn’t a fight, Phil would lean forward and coax it back into proper curls, and probably press a kiss to Dan’s neck.

He doesn’t touch him.

Instead, he just makes things even worse by opening his mouth once again. “So now how I feel about the topic of having kids is stupid?” His voice is dripping with sarcasm, and Dan’s head whips around to glare at him.

“I’m not doing this with you tonight.” He turns away then, laying on his side and scooting to the very edge of the bed, putting almost a foot of distance between them.

Phil’s heart twists and drops, an amusement park ride, right there in his chest. “Dan,” he breathes, his voice full of tears.

“I’m going to sleep.”

It wasn’t the first time they’d fought, obviously, but Phil had a very specific rule when it came to dating: never sleep on an argument. And that’s exactly what Dan was trying to do right now, and Phil hated himself for it. He tries to push the sickness in his throat down, swallowing hard. He wouldn’t cry, no. Despite the fact that he hated making Dan upset, hated fighting with him, Phil was still angry, and he was allowed to hold onto that, too. Dan didn’t have a monopoly on the emotion, after all.

“Fine,” he says, forcing the word out. He wishes he felt some sort of pleasure at how his voice doesn’t shake. He swings his legs off the bed, grabbing his phone and his pillow before moving around the bed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Dan asks, his voice hesitant and small.

“I’m going downstairs so I don’t bother you. Wouldn’t want you to have to share a bed with someone you’re obviously,” he spits the word out. “Not interested in.”

“Phil…” Dan sounds chastising, and that just sells it for Phil.

In an effort to maintain some sort of his sanity here, he needed some space. He wasn’t sure where the tsunami of emotion was coming from, but he didn’t want Dan to be witness to it when he wasn’t even sure why it was happening in the first place. Maybe this would be good for them. Maybe they needed the space so that Phil could cool down. He tries to convince himself of this as he slips out of their bedroom without another word, and all the way down the stairs to where he settles himself on his parents’ sofa. He repeats the mantra in his head until the words don’t even sound real anymore.

Maybe this is what we need. Maybe this is what we need. This is what we need.

~~~

When Phil wakes up, it’s to the sound of voices filtering in from the kitchen. He blinks in confusion, completely lost as he looks around, the room blurry without his glasses. He doesn’t remember taking them off after coming downstairs last night, but he finds them on the coffee table, nearly knocking them off as he tries to pick them up. As he adjusts to his surroundings, the night before slowly comes back into his head and he recalls just exactly what he’s doing on the sofa. Bits and pieces of the argument come back to him, and he can feel himself cringing as he thinks about it.

He's in the middle of a spiral when his mum comes bustling in, humming to herself. “Oh! Morning, love, I hadn’t realized you were awake already.”

She doesn’t sound judgmental in the slightest, and Phil is beyond grateful for that. She sets out a mug of coffee for him, winking when he looks at her in surprise. “I figured you’d be awake soon, with all the noise.”

“Is Dan up?” Phil can’t help but ask, his voice still rough with sleep.

Kath surveys him for barely a second before nodding. “He is, but he’s not here.”

“What?” Phil swears he feels his heart stop. “Where did he go? Did he-“ He’s already reaching for his phone, ready to call his reckless boyfriend, when his mother’s hand falls onto his wrist.

“Relax, love. He just went for a run, he said. I told him it was far too cold for that, but he said it made him feel better if he had a run in the mornings.” She pauses then, long enough that Phil can brace for what he knows is coming. “Did you two have a row?”

There’s no reason to lie to his mother, at least not about this, so Phil just nods tiredly. “A bit, yeah.” He takes a sip of his too hot coffee, his eyes trailing to the window of their own accord, as if he’s going to see Dan strolling up the road. He’s surprised to find a dusting of snow on the ground instead. “Did he wear a jacket? A hat?” Phil asks, turning to look at his mum.

Kath grins, almost to herself, but nods. “Popped the bobble hat on his nonce myself.”

“Gloves?” Phil presses, knowing how much Dan complains when his fingers are cold.

“He is a grown man, Philip,” his mum reminds him with a quirked brow.

Phil blushes deeply at that, ducking his head. “Right, yeah, course, I just-“

“Drink your coffee, dear, Dad’s making breakfast.” She pats his knee affectionately before standing, making her way back to the kitchen.

Just before she leaves, Phil remembers something, or at least thinks he has some sort of memory, of someone taking his glasses off. He stops her just as she gets to the hall. “Mum?”

She turns to him, an expectant look on her face. “Yes, son?”

“Thanks for taking my glasses off last night, I always forget to do it myself,” he’s honestly a little embarrassed about it, and knows that it drives Dan crazy when he does it.

Instead of the pleased response he’d expected, his mum just gives him a confused frown. “Love, I didn’t take them off. I didn’t realize you’d slept here till this morning.”

Phil frowns at this, confused. “Oh… Okay, then.” He shrugs. “Maybe I did it and just don’t remember it, then.”

Kath smiles. “I’m sure Dan would be proud of you,” she teases.

Smiling, Phil looks down at his coffee as she retreats to the kitchen. He sips it languidly as his brother and Cornelia filter into the lounge, bidding him good morning and pretending they don’t see the proof that he’d slept on the sofa the night before. He appreciates that.

They’re in mid-conversation about possible baby names (Phil suggests Bartholomew as a joke and Martyn punches him in the arm) when the front door swings open, revealing a sweaty and slightly red-faced Dan. He’s panting as he wipes the back of his hand over his forehead, toeing his shoes off by the door like a good houseguest. Cornelia and Martyn are still talking, but Phil has gone silent, watching his boyfriend with rapt attention for some sort of sign that he’s still mad.

He looks okay this morning, not too broody or sad, which is a welcome change from the Dan of yesterday. Phil can’t help but run his eyes over his lean body, feeling that familiar twist in his stomach as he takes in just how hot his boyfriend looks like this. His eyes dart back to Dan’s face, and luckily, he doesn’t seem like he’s noticed, his head leant back as he sips out of his reusable water bottle.

Dan must feel eyes on him, as he slowly lowers the bottle and scans the room. He doesn’t look surprised at all to find Phil staring back at him, but his face stays blank as he turns away, headed to the stairs. Phil’s heart sinks even further, and he slouches on the sofa at the rejection.

“Where you headed, mate?” Martyn calls, his voice teasing.

Dan startles, but turns to grin at Martyn. “I was gonna go shower, but if you’d rather I stay and season the air with my natural musk, I can do that too.”

Martyn crinkles his nose but snorts out a laugh. “Go away, you stink.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” Dan chuckles. His eyes flick back to Phil’s for a half a second before he asks, “I’m not holding you guys back from today’s adventures, am I? I kinda lost track of time.” He sounds embarrassed, but Phil knows this is Dan for “I was trying to run away from my problems, and one of them is sat on the sofa with you right now so I didn’t really want to come back.” Phil tries not to feel offended by the hidden meaning he feels is there.

“Of course not, Dad’s making breakfast before we go anywhere.” Cornelia is the one who answers this time, and Martyn smiles at her before nodding in agreement.

“Great,” Dan’s eyes once again flit over to Phil, seeking some sort of reassurance, and Phil nods.

“Go ahead, I’m not leaving you behind.” He pretends, for the sake of their audience, that he’s only talking about embarking on their hike they’ve got planned today.

Dan always knows just what Phil means, so Phil isn’t surprised to see the flicker of understanding in his eyes before he turns to escape upstairs.

As soon as he’s gone, Phil feels eyes on him, and he’s unamused to see Martyn staring at him expectantly. “What, Martyn?”

“What happened? Mum said you slept downstairs last night.”

“I did,” Phil acknowledges. “And it’s none of your business why.”

Martyn frowns. “You used to tell me things, you know. Not everything was a secret.”

Phil hates hearing that, he really does. He hates that Martyn feels like he’s being shut out, but Phil doesn’t want to share his borderline psychotic behavior with anyone, especially his brother, who likely would never let it go. To soften the blow, he shrugs. “It’s not that important. We’re fine, I was just being dramatic.”

Surprisingly, Martyn seems to buy this. “I thought Dan was supposed to be the dramatic one,” he observes, turning to face his girlfriend. “Didn’t you think so?”

Cornelia hums. “He was in theatre, you know. He has it in him to be an actor.”

Phil tunes out of their conversation until eventually Martyn pulls him back in, as the topic had moved on to some of their childhood experiences. He chimes in when he can, mainly anything just to embarrass his brother, but he can tell by the shine in Cornelia’s eyes that she finds it endearing. Luckily, he doesn’t have the time to feel emotional about this before their parents are calling them into the dining room for breakfast.

“Just in time, little brother,” Martyn pipes up as he passes the staircase, and Phil glances up to see Dan descending them.

Dan grins, and Phil knows that he loves being included as if he’s a part of the family. Phil’s heart warms at the way that his family goes out of their way to make him feel welcome, and it’s almost enough to make him forget what happened the night before. But when he steps closer to Dan and drops a hand to the small of his back, the younger man subtly moves away, and Phil’s mood plummets once again.

If anyone at the table notices the tension between them, which Phil knows they probably do, they’re kind enough not to mention it. Martyn and Cornelia sit opposite Dan and Phil, while Kath and Nigel take either end of the table. Unlike most times, when Phil would slip his hand onto Dan’s thigh at the table or something, he keeps his chair an appropriate distance away, trying to convince himself that this is fine, that they’re fine. It’s just a row, not completely unlike ones they’ve had before. Sure, this one had a different sort of implication, as it involved their life plans rather than just an average disagreement, but Phil tries to ignore that.

Kath passes out food and asks lots of questions, getting the whole table engaged in a discussion about the best way to cook eggs, when Dan pipes up.

“Phil makes the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, literally.” He’s smiling, as if they’ve not just slept apart in Phil’s family home after a fight.

Phil smiles tightly before shrugging. “I’m a good chef,” he concedes, feeling a little awkward when he feels the weight of his mum’s eyes on him.

Dan shakes his head, gesturing with his fork. “No, no, I didn’t say that. But your scrambled eggs are god-like. Everything else is debatable.”

“What is your secret, Phil?” Martyn asks, lowering his voice conspiratorially.

Phil decides to play along. He’d missed his family, and this is the kind of banter he was supposed to enjoy while he was with them. “A dollop of cream. Can’t just add milk, gotta add the cream or you might as well just not have them at all.”

Martyn pretends to write it down, nodding seriously as Cornelia rolls her eyes fondly beside him. Kath clears her throat with an expectant smile. “And who taught you that trick?” She says sweetly.

Phil rolls his eyes good-naturedly, leaning over and patting her hand. “You did, my dear mum. Taught me all that I know.”

“I bet she didn’t-“ Dan starts before his eyes widen unexpectedly and his mouth snaps shut. There’s a patch of red on his cheek that Phil knows means he’s embarrassed, but it takes Phil a moment to process what Dan had started to say before he realizes where his thoughts were headed. Phil hides his smirk as Dan scrambles for something else to say, something to save himself.

Phil can’t sit back and watch his boyfriend struggle, especially at the confused looks of his family, so he makes a show of rolling his eyes and plucking the first thing he can think of out of his mind to use as an example. “If you say one thing about the cupboard doors, or the contact pot on the tap, I swear-“

Luckily, everyone bursts into laughter at this, and Phil doesn’t miss the small, grateful smile that Dan sends him. Everyone at the table is poking fun at Phil’s annoying habits, but he can’t even be particularly mad about it now. He’s just pleased that Dan’s icy attitude towards him is melting a bit.

“Just be thankful that he’s starting to remember to take his glasses off before bed,” Kath says, rolling her eyes fondly. “I can’t tell you the number of frames we went through when he was a child, he’d fall asleep reading and ruin them all the time!”

Dan laughs knowingly before raising an eyebrow. “When did he learn to take them off? Did I miss something?”

Phil shakes his head, laughing quietly. “No, but I think I may have pulled them off last night and just don’t remember it, but they were on the coffee table this morning.”

There’s a bit of an awkward silence as everyone realizes what Phil has just admitted to, and he feels his stomach sink with something that feels like shame.

It’s a relief when Dan snorts in disbelief. “You didn’t do that, you spoon. I came downstairs and pulled them off after you’d already fallen asleep.” He turns to face the rest of Phil’s family, jabbing his thumb in Phil’s direction with a mutter of “this guy,” that makes them all laugh.

Phil, however, is too caught up in what Dan has just said to find the amusement in his domestic banter. While everyone at the table moves on to something else, he leans closer to Dan, dropping his voice to a murmur. “You came downstairs?”

Dan looks uncomfortable, but nods. “Yeah, I came to check on you. I- You were already asleep when I got down here, so I figured I’d just let you sleep.”

There’s something unspoken there, but Phil knows they can’t get into it at the breakfast table with his family. Instead, he hums. “Thank you, then.” He says softly.

Something shifts on Dan’s face then, and he’s closed off once more, his gaze sliding away from Phil. “Yeah,” he mumbles.

Phil’s face falls at the clear indicator that while Dan may not be as upset anymore, he’s definitely not completely over it. Phil figures he can’t exactly fault him for that, but some part of him is desperate to hold on to his own anger, considering he felt like he was the one who was hurt by the events of the night before. But he knows it isn’t that simple, it’s never that simple for Dan. So instead, he swallows down his anger and turns back to his breakfast in silence.

~~~

Roughly 2.5 years ago, Phil’s flat

“That was the best fancy dinner I’ve ever had.” Phil is laid on the sofa, Dan nestled between his legs, as he makes the announcement.

Dan laughs, somewhat shyly. “You’ve mentioned that a time or two.” There’s a smile on his lips, his dimples just barely there at the corners.

“I want you to know how much I appreciate the fancy date my boyfriend took me on,” Phil says, his voice teasing as he presses a kiss to Dan’s temple.

“Sounds like a snob,” Dan replies dryly.

Phil hums in consideration. “Not really. He’s kind, and generous, and well fit.”

Dan doesn’t say anything for a moment. When he does, he sniffles. “Shut up,” he mumbles.

Giggling, Phil hugs him to his chest. “C’mon, you have to let me be nice to you sometimes, Dan.”

“You can be nice,” Dan protests. “Just don’t be, like, all sappy.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “I’ll be quite as sappy as I like, thanks,” he sasses.

Dan wiggles in his grasp until he’s laid facing Phil, at a bit of an awkward angle in Phil’s opinion. “Do you remember what we talked about last time?” He sounds nervous.

Phil has an idea of where this is going, but he doesn’t want to make any presumptions about it until he knows for sure what Dan is referring to. “We talked about plenty of stuff, dork. Is this about your writing?” He doesn’t actually think it is, but that’s the only other big thing he can think of that Dan might be referring to.

“Erm- no, actually,” Dan stutters out, his cheeks going red as he realizes he’s going to have to spell it out. “I meant, um, like… Like we talked about having sex. Remember?”

A laugh falls from Phil’s lips then, without his permission. “I do remember, yeah. How would I forget that?”

Dan rolls his pretty eyes. “I dunno, Phil, but I thought you did.”

Tilting his head just a bit, Phil pecks Dan’s lips gently. “I remember. What about it?”

“Well…” Dan bites his lip, fluttering his eyelashes at Phil. Phil honestly doesn’t even think Dan realizes what that does to him, and for some reason that makes it even more tempting. “I said I wanted to have a fancy date, before…”

“Oh, yes. And that was, as we established, a fancy date, right?” Phil teases.

Dan narrows his eyes. “I know you aren’t actually making fun of me right now,” he says, his tone mildly accusatory.

Phil tries not to laugh, holding a hand up defensively, the other settled on Dan’s back. “I would never.”

“Mhm, sure.”

“I wouldn’t!”

Dan shakes his head with a roll of his eyes. “Did you actually want to talk about…” He trails off, blinking up at Phil with an expectant look.

Phil smiles. “I’m ready for that, if you are.”

Nodding, Dan chews on his bottom lip. When Phil swipes his thumb across the chapped skin, Dan makes a noise before his tongue darts out to lick Phil’s thumb. “Can we… Go to your bedroom?”

Phil would be lying if he said that didn’t give him a thrill to hear those words fall from Dan’s lips. “Absolutely.”

He gently pushes Dan off him, following him off the sofa and guiding him down the hall with a hand on his back. As soon as they’re in Phil’s bedroom with the door shut, Dan is turning around and pressing his lips to Phil’s with fervor. Phil returns his enthusiasm, but when Dan opens his mouth to the kiss, Phil pulls away. “What’s wrong?” Dan asks, already breathless.

“I wanted to- hold on.” Phil steps over to his nightstand, rummaging through it until he finds a box of matches. He grabs the candle on his dresser and lights it, smiling when he hears Dan make a soft, surprised noise. As soon as he’s lit the few candles he’s got in his room, Phil steps back, flicking the light off and turning to smile at Dan. “I… I kinda figured you might like this. You’re kinda the romantic type, so, I figured...”

Dan stares at the flickering candles with a look of awe on his face for a moment, eventually turning to smile at Phil. “It’s perfect,” he says, his voice strangled and eyes glassy. He wipes his eyes with his wrist, clearly trying to get rid of the tears there.

“Love, don’t-“ Phil steps closer, winding his arms around Dan’s waist. “Please don’t cry.”

“I- I’m sorry,” Dan hiccups. “I don’t know why I’m so sappy, honestly. But that’s- this is really fucking sweet, Phil.” He smiles up at him, leaning in to kiss Phil’s lips softly.

Phil brushes Dan’s hair over his ear, running his thumb over the shell of Dan’s ear gently. “I want you to feel special when you’re with me.” The words are out in the open before he can even make the conscious choice to say them, but he bites his tongue to hold back any other declarations that are already there at the tip of his tongue.

Dan surprises him by ducking his head, snuggling against Phil’s chest and kissing at the collar of his shirt. “I- Phil,” his voice is choked, his fingers gripping tightly at the sides of Phil’s shirts.

“Sorry. Too much?” Phil’s flushed and a little embarrassed now, but luckily Dan can’t see him with his head ducked down like that.

“No,” Dan whispers softly. “I… I dunno, I just… I’ve never felt like this with another person.”

And that pretty much does it for Phil. His chest is physically aching, and if his teeth dig down any harder on his tongue he’s certain he’ll bite it completely off. “I think I’m in love with you, Dan.” The words are rushed and whispered. He holds his breath, waiting for Dan’s response.

It takes a moment, but when Dan speaks, Phil’s shoulders sag in relief. “Say it again,” he begs.

“I’m in love with you.” Phil’s voice grows stronger with the words this time, as does his grip on Dan. He peppers kisses to his hair, muttering the words again and again. “I love you.”

“I-“ Dan stops, hiccupping again. “I think I’m in love with you, too, you know.”

Phil can’t help but laugh breathily. “Well that’s a relief. Be a bit awkward if it was just me.”

“Shut up, nerd,” Dan laughs wetly. He not-so-subtly tilts his face to wipe his tears off on Phil’s t-shirt, earning himself a soft protest in response. “Get over it, Lester. You love me, what’re you gonna do about it?” He grins up at Phil, then, and Phil’s heart floods with warmth.

“This,” he mumbles before bringing their lips together again.

They lose track of time as their lips move together, Phil walking them backwards until he can lay on his bed and pull Dan to lay down on top of him. Dan goes willingly, running his hands over Phil’s chest, up to his shoulders, and down his arms in gentle, exploring sweeps. He shuffles down a bit to kiss and nibble at Phil’s neck, so Phil threads his fingers through the curls, massaging at Dan’s scalp gently. Apparently, this has some kind of effect on Dan, as he keens against Phil’s throat.

“Please,” He whispers.

“What do you want?” Phil asks him, his voice lilting up on a gasp as Dan starts dragging his hips against Phil’s. “Ah, fuck,” he sighs out.

“Will you- I want you to-“ Dan stumbles over his words as he moves in sharper jerks, providing himself with a pleasure that he’s sharing with Phil. “Fuck me. Please?”

Phil groans, a lot louder than he’d intended. He’s suddenly grateful that he lives alone, because it was the sort of sound that would embarrass him if anyone else heard it. “Yeah, fuck, of course. Let me-“ He gently pushes Dan off so that he can search through his nightstand for some lube and a condom.

He’s back on the bed as soon as he’s collected what they need, tugging his shirt up and over his head, tossing it to the floor carelessly. Dan watches with a smirk, propped up on his elbows. “I’m enjoying the show,” he teases.

Phil rolls his eyes and tugs at Dan’s shirt. “C’mon, rat, this is in my way.”

“Are you always bossy in bed?” Dan asks with a glint in his eyes.

“Are you always this talkative?”

Dan’s lip twitches down, just barely. “Yes.”

Phil smiles, leaning in to kiss him. “Then let me be bossy.”

That coaxes a laugh out of Dan, who actually pulls his shirt off himself now. “Okay, sure,” he mumbles.

His skin is so soft, Phil notes as he runs a hand down Dan’s chest. “So gorgeous,” he mumbles, pressing kisses to Dan’s throat.

“Hey,” Dan whispers before Phil can move down the bed. As soon as their eyes meet, Dan brings a hand up to gently caress Phil’s jaw. “I love you.”

Phil grins, turning his head to press a kiss to Phil’s palm. “I love you, too, babe.”

Dan’s skin is a lovely pink color as Phil kisses a trail down his chest, licking over his nipples thoroughly as he goes, knowing that Dan likes that. Dan’s already making those soft, sweet noises when Phil reaches the waistband of his jeans, and Phil takes his time kissing and licking just below his navel.

“Phil,” Dan snaps. “Don’t be a tease.”

“I would never,” Phil taunts, winking up at Dan.

The brunette drops his head to the pillow with an exaggerated sigh. “C’mon, we should be naked-er.”

Phil outright laughs at that, burrowing his face into Dan’s stomach to stifle the sound. “Oh my god,” he cackles. “I love you.”

“You know what I love?” Dan says, his voice already verging on a laugh.

“Please, don’t,” Phil warns, already assuming the worst.

“I really love being fucked by my hot boyfriend,” he giggles. “You know, the boyfriend that I love?”

Phil grins, hiding it against Dan’s skin. He unbuttons Dan’s jeans as they laugh, tugging them down the best he can while laying across him like this. “Lift your ass,” he instructs, sitting up and tugging the fabric down, along with the black pants Dan’s wearing beneath it.

“Your turn,” Dan mumbles as soon as he’s rid of his clothes. He watches Phil with keen interest as he rolls his eyes, standing up to shuck his jeans off.

“Creep, much?” Phil teases him.

Dan shrugs. “You’re hot and it’s been like two weeks since I’ve seen that cock. I missed it.”

Phil flushes. “Dan!” He squeaks.

The man has absolutely no shame, shrugging carelessly as he takes the bottle of lube in his hand, snapping the lid open. “Am I doing this, or are you?” He asks casually.

Phil swallows hard. The imagery of Dan doing it to himself is incredibly tempting, yes, but… “Can I?” He asks, a little shy.

Dan smiles. “Yeah. C’mere.”

He holds a hand out for Phil’s, pouring a generous amount of lube over the older man’s fingers. “Go a little slow, it’s been a bit since I’ve done this.” He flushes as if he’d embarrassed, but something about it makes Phil’s stomach twist.

“You haven’t… Not since we started dating, right?”

Dan’s head snaps up and he furrows his eyebrows up at Phil. “Of course not. I… Even before then, it’d been a while. I just meant, like…” His face is even redder now, but Phil just stares at him, puzzled. “I meant like it’s been a while since I… you know… myself.”

“Oh,” Phil says, dumbly. He’s about to ask for an elaboration, but then it hits him. “Oh,” he repeats. And now his face is red, too. “Er- right.”

Dan seems to find solace in Phil’s embarrassment, smirking at him. “Hope that’s not a deal breaker,” he jokes.

Phil shakes his head quickly, almost trying to shake away the imagery to focus on the task at hand- or the lube on his hand, rather. “Not a problem, nope.” He drops his hand to Dan’s entrance, then, rubbing the pad of his finger there, teasing.

“Oh, fuck,” Dan whispers. “Go ahead. Please.”

Phil smiles at him. He liked this Dan, the one that was laid out beneath him, pliant and trusting. It felt intimate. It felt like love. “I love you,” Phil reminds him as he presses a finger in, gently going in to the knuckle.

Dan bites down on his lip, hard. “Love you too.”

There aren’t very many words exchanged for a while after that. Dan’s breaths are shaky as Phil stretches him open, but eventually he’s got three fingers in, and Dan is whimpering for more. “Are you sure?” Phil asks one last time, just in case Dan’s changed his mind.

“Yes,” Dan breathes.

Phil nods, rolling a condom on and using what’s left on his hand to lube himself up. “Do you want to do it like this? Or is there another position you like better?”

Dan seems to consider this, shifting his hips as if he’s taking stock of himself. “Er, for our first time I want to- I like to be face-to-face.” He glances away as he says it, mumbling a soft, “Please,” afterwards.

“Of course. Whatever you want.” Phil moves a little, enough that he can prop Dan’s legs up. “Do you need anything?” Phil asks before he presses in, noticing the slight discomfort on Dan’s face.

“Um, pillow?” He says tentatively.

Phil nods, reaching up and grabbing one. “Under your back?” He asks, already helping Dan lift his hips. The man nods, so Phil tucks it underneath him. “Better?” He asks.

Dan sighs in relief as he relaxes back. “Mhm, yes. Thank you.”

Phil leans down to press another kiss to his lips. “Sure,” he hums. “Ready?”

“Mhm.”

Gently, Phil drags Dan’s thighs up to bracket his waist, taking hold of himself and pressing against Dan’s fluttering hole. It feels so quiet, so still, as he presses inside. Dan’s eyelids have fluttered close, and he looks so serene like this, so relaxed. Something about it, coupled with everything he knows about Dan, makes Phil feel a little emotional. He leans down as he works towards bottoming out, nuzzling against Dan’s neck.

“You’re so perfect, Dan.”

Dan lets out a contented sigh. “I feel perfect when I’m with you.”

And damn it if that doesn’t make Phil’s eyes fill with tears. He’s suddenly thankful that Dan’s eyes are closed, knowing it would just be far more overwhelming if those chocolate eyes were on him.

It’s a relief when he bottoms out, but he feels immediately strained as he waits for Dan to give him permission to move. Luckily, he doesn’t have to wait long before Dan is tightening his legs around Phil, urging him to go. “Fuck, fuck,” Dan gasps. “Little, uh,” Dan bites his lip.

“What do you need?” Phil breathes.

Dan opens his eyes then, a flustered glaze to them. “Um… little bit… like, higher.”

Phil shifts back, holding himself up to try and aim for the right spot for Dan. It takes a few thrusts, but he knows he’s found it when Dan’s body jolts, and a loud groan falls from his lips. “Good?” Phil asks, almost smug. Almost.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s-“ He breaks off with a little gasp. “It’s good.”

The air is full of Phil’s heavy breaths and Dan’s little gasps and whines, every now and then punctuated with the sound of a swear falling from Dan’s lips. Phil can already feel his orgasm building up to that lovely boiling point, and he reaches for Dan’s cock to stroke him through it.

“I- I’m close,” Dan mumbles.

“Me too,” Phil breathes.

Dan whines loudly at that. The sound, coupled with Dan squeezing, intently, Phil figures, is what does him in. With a short gasp, Phil’s hips stutter in their pace, his release flooding his veins like fire. He feels it down to his toes as he buries his face into Dan’s neck again, licking and kissing the damp skin as he comes.

There’s a whimper beneath him, followed by Dan warning, “Phil, I’m-“

He releases over himself and Phil’s hand pumps him through it until Dan is making a soft noise of protest and weakly pushing at Phil’s shoulders.

Boneless, Phil pulls out of Dan slowly before falling to the bed beside him. His limbs are still entwined with Dan’s, but neither of them seem to mind as they take a moment to catch their breath. Eventually, Phil feels a hand running through his hair and glances up at his boyfriend. “Was it okay?” he asks softly, a little nervous for the answer.

Dan stares at him for a second before erupting into giggles. Before Phil can reply, Dan rolls over and cradles Phil’s face, pressing kisses all over his cheek and lips. “It was so good, babe. Promise. Definitely worth the wait.”

Phil grins, closing his eyes. “Good.”

“Phil?” Dan whispers.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you. Like, proper. I really do.”

Phil tilts his head and blindly finds Dan’s lips, kissing them softly. “I proper love you too.”

Definitely worth the wait, Phil thinks as he drifts to sleep. He can feel the bed shifting as Dan moves, likely to clean himself up, but that only prompts a drowsy smile. Definitely, absolutely worth the wait.

~~~

Present day

They go on a hike with the rest of the Lester family later, and to say that Phil is pouting would be a grand understatement. He’s trying not to be too childish, but he finds himself dragging behind the others, watching in defeat as Dan chats with his family amicably. Phil’s not sure what part of that annoys him more, the fact that Dan is speaking to his family but not him, or just the idea that Dan not speaking to him holds this power over him.

Eventually, Dan drifts away from the group, off to stand closer to the edge of the cliff, looking out over the water. Phil’s stomach swirls with anxiety at this, beyond worried that Dan might do something stupid like jump, but before he can force himself forward, he feels a hand on his arm.

“Lovely day, huh?” His mum asks, smiling gently at him.

He hums noncommittally. “I guess.”

They stand there, quiet for a moment, just watching the others. Phil’s dad is standing near Dan now, and Phil watches as his boyfriend glances over, smiling before saying something. Phil can’t hear him from here, obviously, but Nigel laughs and moves closer, pointing at something on the water. Phil’s heart fills with something warm and hopeful at the scene.

“I hate to pry, love,” his mum starts from beside him. “But do you want to talk about whatever you and Dan are fighting about?”

At first, Phil can only shrug. He’s staring at his shoes, but he can feel Kath’s gaze on him, prying in that subtle, caring way that she has. “Dan doesn’t want to have children with me,” he eventually admits.

“My god,” Kath exclaims. Phil’s gaze darts to her immediately, his eyebrows raised. “A bit early to be thinking about that, love, innit it?”

At a loss now, Phil just stares at her a little blankly. “I, um… I don’t- I don’t know. Is it?” His voice shakes with embarrassment.

Kath laughs but loops one of her arms through his, tutting. “Martyn and Cornelia have been together about seven years now, Phil. That’s a long time, you know.”

“Yeah, but-“

“They didn’t make that choice overnight.”

“Well, yes, I know that, but mum-“

She sighs. “Did Dan explicitly say that he didn’t want to have children with you?”

Phil balks at her. He’s amazed that she’s already forgotten the events of last night. Maybe her memory was getting bad, he frets. “He… yeah, yesterday. You heard him!” The words trip over his tongue, and he clears his throat when she gives him a blank look. “Last night. He said he obviously didn’t want to have children with me.”

Her expression doesn’t change for a few moments, but eventually she laughs, shaking her head. “Oh, dear.” She pats his arm as if she’s comforting a small child. “I don’t think he was trying to make a grand statement or anything, love. I really think he was kidding.”

“But…” Phil stutters. “I… I mean, maybe, but-“

Again, she cuts him off. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“I tried! I asked him last night why he didn’t want to have kids with me, and he-“

His mum apparently has no issue interrupting people these days, as she does it yet again. “Philip! You honestly asked the poor lad why he didn’t want to have kids with you?”

“Um… yeah? Why, what about it?” He can’t keep the defensive tone out of his voice.

“It’s a wonder the man isn’t running for the hills, then.”

Phil can’t help but bristle at that. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He snaps.

Kath smiles gently, rubbing his arm soothingly. He feels guilty for snapping at her immediately, but she speaks before he can apologize. “A question like that shoudn’t be something that you spring on someone after a joke. That’s a tough decision, and one he can’t make at the drop of a hat.”

“Well…” Phil considers this, and eventually just nods, defeated. “Okay, you’re right.”

She presses a kiss to his cheek. “I know. Mums are always right.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he rolls his eyes, feigning pain when she gently slaps his arm in reprimand.

He glances up when he remembers that Dan was hovering near the edge of the cliff, but he’s relieved to see that he’s only stood there, holding his phone up to take some photos. Nigel has let him be, and he’s heading towards Kath and Phil now, a smile on his face as he looks at his wife. There’s a calm feeling settling in Phil’s chest at the sight of his dad, reminding him of how much he loves his family, especially the bond his parents had. He’d always wanted that, ever since he was old enough to want a relationship.

“How did you know?” Phil murmurs to his mum, his dad still too far away to make out his words. “That you wanted to spend the rest of your life with dad? Was it like love at first sight or something?”

“Oh, heavens no,” Kath laughs, as if it’s absurd to even assume that. “I didn’t “just know,” or any of that nonsense. No, dear.” She’s gazing lovingly at Nigel now, and something about it seems a little too personal, and Phil can’t help but glance away. “I had to choose him. I have to keep choosing him, every day. It’s not as simple as just wanting something. It’s hard work.”

Phil takes a second to digest this information, but before he can even begin to process a response, his dad is joining them, sending Kath a suspicious look. “What’re you spoiling our son with now?”

Kath sticks out her tongue playfully. “Nothing you need to worry yourself with, old man,” She teases, winking at Phil in the process.

Nigel clicks his tongue at her, shaking a finger at her. “Now don’t go filling his head with more nonsense, lovey, you’ve already got him believing in ghosts and things.”

Phil laughs at that, while Kath tuts indignantly. They’re playfully arguing, but Phil is already tuning out, his gaze locked on Dan, who’s just standing at the edge of the cliff now, his hands tucked in his pockets and his shoulders set in a stiff sort of position.

Quietly, and with a small smile to his mum, Phil makes his way over to Dan, clearing his throat just a little when he gets close, so he doesn’t frighten him. Even then, Dan jumps a little when Phil slips his arms around his waist. “I’m sorry,” Phil murmurs against the shell of his ear.

“For what?” Dan asks stubbornly. Phil half expects to be pushed away, but Dan actually relaxes against him, a good sign on a day like today.

Phil sighs. “For being a prat. For cornering you about something neither of us are ready to talk about.” He could go on, but he knows Dan hates it when he rambles during an apology. He says it makes it feel less genuine, as if Phil’s just covering all the bases rather than apologizing for whatever the source of the problem is.

“I’m sorry too,” Dan eventually mumbles.

“For what?” Phil laughs without humor. “You didn’t do anything.” It’s not entirely true, but Phil knows that Dan, at least, had more of a reason for acting the way he’d been acting. Phil just did it out of anger and spite.

“I hurt you. I hate hurting you, but that’s all I ever do. I’m sorry, I-“ Dan’s voice has gone all wobbly, and Phil knows he has only a few seconds to remedy this before it becomes a full breakdown.

“No, you don’t. You make my life better. Every part of my life is better with you in it, Dan.” He presses kisses to the back of his head, nuzzling into the curls a bit as he squeezes Dan just a bit tighter around the waist. “We both have bad days, yeah? This was just one of those. Tomorrow is different.”

“I hate hurting you,” Dan repeats on a sniffle.

Phil sighs. “Well… I know you didn’t mean to, bear. It was a misunderstanding. We’re allowed that, you know.”

“Yeah. Do you… are you cross with me?” He asks, his voice soft.

Now this part, at least, is easy. “No, I’m not, baby.”

Dan sniffles again, nodding before turning in Phil’s arms and wrapping his own around Phil’s neck. “Okay. Can we have makeup sex tonight?”

And just like that, the tension is shattered, and Phil is wide-eyed and speechless. “Dan!” He hisses, glancing around to make sure his parents haven’t heard. Not that they’d never done anything of a sexual nature in his parents’ house, but, well, he’d rather they not know about it.

“What?” Dan feigns innocence. “Something about the isle always makes me horny, you know that.”

“Shut up. Literally shut your mouth right now, I don’t want my parents to hear this filth.” Phil is shaking his head, but he doesn’t move away.

“Mm, I’m pretty sure I heard your parents banging the last time we were here, they’ll live, I promise.”

“Dan!”

~~~

They do, actually, have makeup sex that night.

They’re quiet, as Phil is anxious about his parents finding out, but he opens Dan up with slick fingers, the younger making soft noises in the back of his throat that Phil catches with his own lips. “Condom?” Phil asks, just to be sure. Sometimes, especially when they were somewhere away from home, Dan preferred they use a condom so that there was less of a mess to clean up afterwards. He was assuming tonight would follow that same routine, so he’s a little surprised when Dan answers.

“No, not tonight. Wanna feel you.”

“Yeah, okay. Let me- towel, yeah?” Phil is clumsy with his words and movements as he climbs off the bed, heading to grab a towel from the ensuite bathroom to put under them. He’s so deliriously horny that he can hardly think straight, especially when he walks back in and sees Dan with his hand between his legs, fucking himself on his fingers as he lets out little gasps. “Fuck,” Phil breathes, a word he hardly ever uses.

Dan opens his eyes and instead of the smirk Phil is expecting, he smiles and pulls his hand away, propping himself up on his elbow to get a good look at Phil. “C’mere,” he murmurs, gesturing with his hand.

Phil is quick to comply, scrambling onto the bed and capturing Dan’s lips in a deep kiss. Dan hums, pressing closer, practically crawling onto Phil as he breathes him in. When they pull away for a moment to breathe, Phil skims his lips down Dan’s neck, nipping gently at his collarbones. “Such pretty collarbones, baby.”

“I love you,” Dan replies.

Phil smiles against his skin. “I love you,” he breathes in response. “So much.”

They get caught up in pressing their lips together, teeth and tongue and an exchange of fluids that would probably embarrass Phil a bit if he wasn’t so settled into their relationship. Eventually, though, that’s not quite cutting it for Dan anymore. “Phil,” he breathes. “Fuck me.”

“Lay back.”

Dan is all flushed skin and dark eyes, spread out on the bed and gazing up at Phil with heavy lidded eyes. “Are you just gonna stare at me?” He asks, mockingly.

Phil quirks a smile at that. “Maybe I am,” he teases.

That gets him a smile. “Please, baby. I missed you.”

And damn it if Phil isn’t a sucker for that pet name. He can only comply, leaning in and pressing his lips to Dan’s and shifting his hips to line himself up. He knows Dan can take it, but he still presses in slowly. Dan moans quietly, reflexively lifting his hips to meet Phil’s. “Ah, ah. Be patient,” Phil pants. He’s barely controlling himself, even after all this time. He really just couldn’t help it. Dan always felt so hot and tight around him, and something about that look, those eyes-

“Phil,” He whines. “Fucking move, man.”

“Sorry.” Phil kisses his chin in apology. He bottoms out, studying every twitch of Dan’s face to make sure he isn’t hurting him in any way. “Need a pillow, love?”

“Er- yeah, please.”

Phil holds himself up and grabs one of the pillows, sliding out of Dan long enough to press the pillow under his lower back. He’s quick to sink back in, and Dan sighs in what sounds like relief. “Better?”

“Mhm. Much. Thanks.”

Phil lets out a laugh as he begins moving his hips. “No problem, mate.”

Dan makes a displeased sound. “I hate when you call me that during sex.”

It’s sort of a joke, really, but Phil picks up on the slight waver of Dan’s voice, barely masked with his sarcasm. “Sorry.” He kisses Dan’s lips, swiping his tongue over the bottom lip, a pleasant twist of his stomach when Dan’s tongue chases after his.

“Bit faster,” Dan instructs.

“Bossy,” Phil retorts, even as he listens and does speed up his movements.

“Shut up, I’m trying to have an orgasm here.”

“And who’s in control of that?” Phil teases.

Dan quirks an eyebrow at that. “I thought you didn’t want to try that.”

Phil can’t help but flush. “Shut up,” he mumbles when Dan snickers. “That’s not what I meant.”

Dan shrugs. “I mean, if you wanted to try the dom/sub thing, we- oh, fuck.”

Smirking, Phil drives in harder, against that spot that he knows works Dan to the edge just right. Dan is a bit of a mess after Phil’s found his prostate, all slurred words and gasps. “Shh, Dan, remember where we are.”

“Fuck,” Dan whimpers. “Do you think they can hear us?”

“God, I hope not. I couldn’t look my mum in the eyes ever again if she heard me having sex.” Phil almost shudders at the very idea.

Dan laughs weakly. “Don’t make me laugh,” he warns, sounding almost pained.

Phil goes quiet, working his hips as his hand comes up to wrap around Dan’s cock. He’s tugging in quick, tight strokes, just like Dan likes it, and he can already feel himself getting closer. “Close?” He whispers to his boyfriend.

“Mhm. Just… uh…” Dan shifts his hips up to meet Phil’s, tossing his head as if he’s almost there, but just can’t quite reach it.

Phil has a solution for that.

Leaning in close to Dan’s ear, he begins muttering hoarsely. “You like that we’re fucking in earshot of other people, huh? You like that someone else could hear, someone else might know what we’re up to in here?”

Dan groans, a lot louder than he had the entire night. Phil panics, bringing a hand up to cover Dan’s mouth. Dan stares up at him helplessly, his eyes pleading. “Please,” his voice is barely muffled by Phil’s palm, but Phil hears him crystal clear.

“They probably heard that, you know,” Phil continues, feeling a similar sense of urgency racing through his veins at the very thought. While one part of him was completely mortified at the idea of his parents hearing him having sex, the other part, the part that had dabbled in this sort of voyeuristic game of theirs, was thrilled.

“Uh, uh, uh,” Dan pants.

“They probably know exactly what’s going on here. Someone can probably hear your noises, and they’re probably wondering what it is that gets you going. But they won’t know, will they? Only me, right?”

“Only you,” Dan whispers.

“Right. Only me, and only you. This is ours.” He’s rambling at this point, but Dan doesn’t seem to care.

“Fuck, Phil, I-“

He comes all over himself, whining as Phil strokes him through it. As soon as Dan weakly pushes his hand away from the overstimulation, Phil feels himself fall over that edge himself, spilling directly into Dan, pressing a wet, open-mouthed kiss to Dan’s clavicle. He feels exhausted after, down to his bones, as he settles on top of Dan. He knows that Dan hates that feeling of his release being smeared all over the two of them, but right now he doesn’t care.

“Was that okay?” Phil asks when he’s caught his breath.

Dan kisses his forehead. He’s unusually quiet, not even complaining about the mess, so Phil tilts his head back to look at him. He’s staring at Phil already, a thoughtful look on his face. Apparently, with Phil staring back, he realizes he’s been asked a question. “Hm?”

“Was it okay?” Phil repeats, a little self-conscious now.

Smiling, Dan nods. “It’s always perfect, Phil. Promise.”

“Okay,” Phil nods, accepting that answer for now. “Are you alright?”

Dan quirks an eyebrow. “It hasn’t been that long since we fucked, you know.” He rolls his eyes, but doesn’t bring the contact back, so Phil has a suspicion that Dan understood the question he was asking perfectly.

“That’s not what I meant,” he says gently.

“I know,” Dan says stubbornly. Phil waits quietly. He knows it isn’t his turn to speak. “I’m just… I don’t know.” He stops then, staring up at the ceiling helplessly.

Phil waits a few beats, but when Dan doesn’t start talking again, he gently pulls himself away. “How about I get us cleaned up and we talk about it?”

Dan glances up at him, nodding. Phil hurries to retrieve a flannel, running it under warm water before returning to clean up their mess. Dan hasn’t moved, but when he sees Phil, he reaches out for the flannel, frowning when Phil shakes his head. “I’ll clean you up.” He pauses, glancing at Dan again. “If you want.”

Sometimes he didn’t, sometimes the intimacy of it was too much. Tonight was evidently not one of those nights, as he only nods. “Go ahead,” he murmurs, pulling his legs up to give Phil better access.

“Do you want me to…”

“Eat me out?” Dan grins, ever the crude one.

Phil rolls his eyes but nods. “Do you?”

“Not tonight. Tired. Wanna talk before I fall asleep.”

“Are you implying that you’d be able to fall asleep with my tongue up your ass?” Phil asks with a quirked eyebrow as he cleans Dan up with the flannel.

Dan snorts at that. “No, but I don’t think I can get it up again quite so quick, so maybe not tonight.”

Phil grins at him. “Now who’s the old man?”

“Hush.”

When Phil is finished, and Dan is clean, he tosses the flannel towards the bathroom carelessly and climbs into the bed beside him. “Disgustang,” Dan mutters, all the while attaching himself to Phil’s side like a koala.

“You love me,” Phil argues, kissing Dan’s cheek.

“I do,” Dan agrees easily, snuggling into Phil’s neck. “Can we talk about the fight we had?”

“Yeah,” Phil murmurs.

Dan is quiet for a moment before he says, “I do want to have kids with you, you know.”

“You do?” Phil asks, because no, he didn’t know that. Or, he wasn’t always sure, at least.

“Yeah, of course. I want to have a house, and some kids, and maybe even a dog with you.” Dan’s voice is so soft, so sure, and Phil can feel his heart aching for that future.

“I do too,” Phil says, his voice weak. He swallows hard. There was one other thing he felt that tied into their future that was still a little blurry, a little uncertain, and if they were doing this tonight, he wanted to clear it up now. “I want to marry you, Dan.”

“I know,” Dan whispers.

When he doesn’t elaborate, Phil blinks back tears. “How do you feel about that?”

Dan’s quiet for a long time. “I want a ring, first of all, Lester. I know you’re not going to sit here and propose to me without one.”

Phil jerks away as if he’d been electrocuted. That was absolutely not the reaction he was expecting, and by Dan’s cheeky smirk, he knows it. “What?”

The smirk falls, replaced by a teary smile. “I love you, nerd. I don’t really know why because you’re a dork, but you love me and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Of course I want to marry you, too.”

Dan’s barely closed his silly mouth before Phil’s is on it, pressing and nipping and begging for entrance. Dan grants it, for barely a moment, before he pulls away. “I’m serious about the ring.”

“Shut up, rat,” Phil mumbles, capturing Dan’s lips again, silencing whatever smartass remark was on his lips.

~~~

Later, Phil would go on incognito mode on his phone to look for engagement rings, but Dan would be asleep. He would find several styles that he thought Dan would like, but ultimately, he would send Dan a link to the shop so he could pick it out himself. Dan was his best friend, his soulmate, the best thing that had ever happened to him; but Dan was also very particular about what he wore.

But that was okay with Phil. As long as Dan did, in fact, wear the ring.

And he would.

#phan #phanfiction #airport au #fluff #smut #angst #lester family #talk of marriage #family planning #sort of #flashbacks #three years later

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