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harmlessmessages · 1 year

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another letter to you

Seeing you again was hard. The last few times I tried reaching out, you didn't respond. You apologized and said it was too painful. I get it. It is painful. And I wanted to press, ask you what about it is painful? That you want to move on and I won't let you? That you still miss me but don't want to give me hope? That you still miss me and don't want to give yourself hope? That you can't have me in your life right now because I just remind you of everything that happened? Could it be that seeing me in pain brings you pain, too? Or that seeing me in pain forces you to think of the ways in which you caused this pain?

I want to ask you a lot of questions. You went out with her and said it was a distraction. That makes sense. You're going through a lot right now. But I wanted to ask why are you spending so much time with her when you had told me back then that you weren't close to her and didn't like her? Were you just trying to pacify me all those months ago? And if you were, why, when I was begging you for honesty? Did you think about how I'd feel when you posted a picture of her after our break up? Did you want to get back at me? Did it feel good? Or did I not cross your mind at all? Do you enjoy your time with her more than me? Do you speak to her about me? Do you tell her that you're over me? That I did you wrong? That you're heartbroken? Does she console you? Tell you that you did your best? Does your mom like her and say she is a nice girl, that you should go out with her? Do you finally see what I was so scared of? Do you still think it was all in my head?

Questions, questions, questions, but the answers will never suffice and I know that. So I didn't ask. I didn't ask do you ever wonder what it is I'm doing during the day? Do you ever wonder if we may be thinking about each other at the same time? Do you ever talk to me before you go to bed as if I were there and I could hear you? Do you ever dream of me? Are your dreams beautiful and do you wake up feeling the same ache as I do? Are you dreams terrible and remind you of why you made the right decision? Do you think you made the right decision? Are you holding onto any regrets? Do you want forgiveness? Do you want to make amends? Do you want to change for the better? Do you want to do it for me? Do you ever dream we get back together someday? Do you ever consider it in your waking moments? Do you wish I'd come back to town, just to see what happens? Do you wish you could fly to where I am?

It's been months. And seeing you again was all I wanted. And you said, many times, that you were happy I reached out and that we could talk. And I am so happy that you answered and we could talk. Because I love you and I miss you and I'm crazy and I'm attached and I'm heartbroken and I'm egotistical and I'm not a good person because I would do anything to keep you where I am. I am proud of you for doing so many new things in life, and also I am devastated that I am not there with you. I am grateful to everyone for supporting you during your time of need, and also I hate anyone who can be around you when I'm not. I hate to see you in pain, I wish I could take it all away, and also I want you to feel as badly as I am.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, it was absolutely shitty by the end of it, and it was all I ever wanted. I miss everything about you. I even miss fighting with you. After everything that's happened, after all the disrespect and dishonesty and neglect I have faced in this relationship, you are still on my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, and the best and worst days are when I get to see you in my dreams.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being without you. I am so tired of not being able to give all this love to you. I am so tired of crying all the time, of giving into the memories and fantasies, of the anger I feel when I convince myself you've never cared. I am so tired, please I am so tired of being expected to be over you by now. How could I get over you? You are the greatest love of my life

And that's why ask you a single question. I won't ask anything at all. I can't know. I can't know because it will kill me

#questions #break up #love #attachment #heartbreak #no contact #grief #journaling #relationship

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alice-cromwell · 2 years

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A little bit of word-vomit regarding Roe V Wade

I feel like I need to say something, but I am not quite ready to say it as loud as I should yet. I am hoping that by posting this on a website where I am somewhat anonymous and (I hope) I am also surrounded by supportive and somewhat like minded people that I will be able to say this without too much backlash.

As we all know Roe V. Wade was recently overturned in the United States to allow for each state to individually decide upon the laws they would like to enforce regarding abortion and other issues with reproductive rights. Now normally I am not someone who speaks up about these things simply because I know at this point in my life it will not affect me nor will it affect my friends and family. However I have some things that I haven't been able to get off my mind since I heard about this new ruling and I wanted to find a place to simply binge some of my thoughts. Let me start off by saying that I am a single 24 year old female from Canada, I am a Christian who has a very strong relationship with Jesus Christ, and I am someone who likes to share my faith with whoever will listen; However, I am also the kind of person who loves to hear about other people's beliefs because I grew up knowing and loving Jesus and I love learning about other things that the world has offered to people to help them deal with the chaos of this world in the same way Jesus does for me. Do I think everyone should get to know and love Jesus? Absolutely, but I don’t like the christians who forcibly shove it down people's throats, that's not what Jesus has called me to do and that is not how I share His love. Anyways I’m getting slightly off track, I am posting this because during church today one of the leaders in my church was called up to pray with the congregation and to share the “big win” that has happened in the states with this new ruling. This leader then went on to pray that “that same victory would come to Canada” Now I have not always agreed with everything that my church has said, but this comment in particular made me want to cry. The pastor even went on to say that God was celebrating because of this decision. I was heartbroken.

Now just to be clear, I am not someone who agrees with abortion, I wish that there wouldn't need to be abortion in the world, I wish that people were smarter with their decisions so that unnecessary abortion wasn't something that existed. I hate the thought of a mother making the choice to end her child's life before it has really even started; However, I am also very aware of the fact that criminalizing abortions does not make abortion unavailable, it just makes it unsafe. I am terrified for the women of the states and what they will have to go through looking forward. I am incredibly heartbroken for the mothers who will have to involuntarily risk their own lives for a child that is already expected to not live. I am devastated for the mothers who will involuntarily experience miscarriages and then have the possibility of being prosecuted on top of losing a child. I can not express my heartbreak for the women that will struggle through the barriers that have now been rebuilt.

There is so much more to Roe V Wade that I’m not even covering, because I’ve literally gotten most of my information from women and lawyers on tiktok, but this whole situation is so so heartbreaking to me and I just had to say something. To all the women who will suffer because of this decision, I am so sorry, and I am praying for you all! The God I believe in is not celebrating this decision, He is heartbroken for all the hurt this has and is going to cause. God gave us free will, that free will means that we as His children have the ability to make our own choices. I am so sorry that so many of you are having that choice stripped away.

Please reach out if you need support during this tough time. Know that you are not alone. There are all kinds of people in this world who will help support you, even if we think differently than you. I promise not all christians are bad people who try to force you into things you don’t know or like. There are good people out here! Please Stay safe ladies! (and variations thereupon)

#roe v wade #abortion #women #womens rights #word vomit

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bloody-bee-tea · 3 years

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Raise

Ever since he and Nie Mingjue broke up, Jiang Cheng has only been going through the motions. He’s still fulfilling his duties as a Sect Leader—his pride in his Sect won’t allow him to do anything else—but that’s about it.

There’s nothing in life to take enjoyment from anymore and Jiang Cheng feels a lot like he did right after the war, except with less existential dread. But he’s lost and unmoored and he doesn’t know what to do.

He hates it a little bit that Nie Mingjue still has this kind of power over him, but mostly he’s just fucking devastated.

Now he understands his sister and her tears and her sad smiles a bit better.

Getting your heart broken really is the worse and Jiang Cheng guesses it doesn’t help that at least he knows that Nie Mingjue felt the same for him.

Jin Zixuan was a complete asshole to his sister, which must have made it a little bit easier Jiang Cheng hopes, because he wishes this for no one.

When he realizes that he lost himself yet again in his own head, he scoffs. It’s been happening a lot lately, and usually all of his thoughts turn to Nie Mingjue but he can’t afford to slack off.

No matter what his second in command keeps telling him on a daily basis.

If Jiang Cheng would take a day for himself, he wouldn’t do anything but wallow in his misery anyway, and he prefers working over doing that.

So he goes on, and on, one letter after the other, until he made a considerable dent into the stack that built itself up during his last weeks with Nie Mingjue.

Jiang Cheng grinds his teeth together when he realizes that he’s yet again thinking about the other man and he slams his hand on the table in his rage.

He really wonders just how long this will go on; how long he will be haunted by the thought of Nie Mingjue. Right now, he hears Nie Mingjue’s laugh echo in the hallways they frequently walked together, he feels Nie Mingjue’s phantom touch on his shoulder whenever he sits hunched over some work for too long, and he still feels all the love Nie Mingjue had for him.

But duty comes first, Jiang Cheng understands that. He doesn’t have to like it, but he understands.

“You can’t just—no, wait,” Jiang Cheng suddenly hears from outside and he lifts his head a second before someone barges into his study.

“You fucking asshole,” is what Nie Huaisang greets him with and Jiang Cheng knew that the break-up would throw a little bit of a wrench into their friendship, but he didn’t expect this.

“Huaisang,” he still greets his old friend, but he figures he shouldn’t have when Nie Huaisang glares at him, clearly too agitated to even get his fan out.

“Do not even dare,” Nie Huaisang hisses. “You absolute fucking asshole. You said you would love him!”

“I do,” Jiang Cheng says with a sigh, getting up to close the door behind Nie Huaisang, hoping that not all of Lotus Pier heard him yet.

“Yeah, I can tell,” Nie Huaisang sarcastically gives back. “It’s so very evident in the way you broke up with him.”

“Don’t be unfair,” Jiang Cheng whispers, but he can’t meet Nie Huaisang’s eyes.

It still hurts too much.

“Unfair. Unfair! The only one being unfair here is you!”

“Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng snaps, now slowly getting angry himself.

He can understand the protective instinct of a sibling, but this is really going to far. It’s not Jiang Cheng’s fault, and he didn’t actually want to break up with Nie Mingjue, but since it was what Nie Mingjue had wanted, he had done it.

And it seemed unfair to be attacked over this now.

“No. I’m going to ruin you,” Nie Huaisang lowly says and while usually Jiang Cheng wouldn’t give much thought to a threat like this, he knows that if Nie Huaisang really wants to, he will.

Going by the glare Jiang Cheng gets, Nie Huaisang really wants to.

“Why? It’s not my fault,” Jiang Cheng snaps at him and Nie Huaisang laughs right in his face.

“Right, not your fault. Of course not. How could it be? You’re just the guy who broke up with my brother.”

“Because he wanted to!” Jiang Cheng shouts at him, his heart still hurting so damn much and that at least is enough to shut Nie Huaisang up for a few seconds.

“He wanted to,” Nie Huaisang lowly repeats. “That’s what you’re going with? Really?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jiang Cheng asks, suddenly drained of all energy and he goes to sit back down at the table.

He doesn’t want to fight with Nie Huaisang and he doesn’t want to do it while standing up, and all he really wants to do is go crawl into bed with Nie Mingjue and curl up against his chest, but it’s not like he’ll ever be able to do that again.

“My brother finally opens up to you about the qi deviations and your first instinct is to run away and break up with him? And now you’re trying to twist it like it was actually his idea? You’re really something else, Jiang-zongzhu. I thought better of you.”

“That’s not what happened, Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng says with a small frown, because Jiang Cheng remembers that conversation a lot differently, and he was actually present.

“Then enlighten me,” Nie Huaisang hisses. “What did happen?”

Jiang Cheng desperately doesn’t want to speak about it—the pain still too near and fresh—but Nie Huaisang is levelling him with a look that promises pain and absolute ruin if Jiang Cheng doesn’t start speaking like five seconds ago and so he sighs.

“He told me about the qi deviations,” Jiang Cheng says, because so far they are on the same page. “That he’ll die soon and young and violently.”

“And you left him for it,” Nie Huaisang says with a nod, as if there could be no doubt about it.

“I love him. Do you really think that low of me?” Jiang Cheng asks, a new kind of hurt finding its place in his chest.

Jiang Cheng thought he was long over being hurt by people being disappointed in him, but it seems like he was wrong.

“Seeing as he is back home, absolutely devastated and you’re going on like nothing happened, I think the only possible answer can be yes,” Nie Huaisang sneers at him and Jiang Cheng sees red.

“I have to do this,” Jiang Cheng yells and shoots up. “I have to because if I don’t keep busy, if I don’t distract myself, I’ll be a fucking shell. I want to do nothing more than to crawl into bed and cry for a good week but what good is that going to do me? It’s not going to get me Mingjue back and my Sect actually still needs me. I was miserable all through the war and for a good while after and I don’t want to feel like that again. And besides; he made his choice. What use is there for me to cry after him.”

“He made his choice? The audacity you have! And don’t raise your voice at me like that,” Nie Huaisang gives back, clearly unfazed by Jiang Cheng’s explosion and it cuts all of Jiang Cheng’s strings.

It doesn’t matter what he tells Nie Huaisang, he realizes. He has his mind already made up.

“He told me about the qi deviations and that his Sect must come first,” Jiang Cheng still mutters. “He needs an heir.”

Jiang Cheng barely gets the words out, and he hates himself a little for how his eyes well up almost immediately. It’s been almost a week by now and the words still hurt as much as they did when they left Nie Mingjue’s mouth.

In front of him, Nie Huaisang freezes.

“What?”

“He said he needs to prepare, that he needs someone to take over eventually. It’s not that hard to understand his meaning,” Jiang Cheng whispers.

Nie Mingjue needs an heir. And for that he needs a wife. It’s as easy as that.

“Did he say it like that?” Nie Huaisang asks and Jiang Cheng nods miserably.

“That fucking idiot,” Nie Huaisang mutters and finally sits down himself, slamming his fan on the table. “Listen here, Wanyin,” he says and Jiang Cheng wonders when he switched back to being Wanyin again.

“I’m listening,” Jiang Cheng says because clearly Nie Huaisang is waiting for a response from him.

Though he’s not quite sure he can take any more accusations today.

“My brother is an idiot,” Nie Huaisang solemnly says and Jiang Cheng fights the immediate urge to defend Nie Mingjue.

He’s not sure he still has that right.

“Why?” he asks instead, because it seems like the safer option.

“I am his heir,” Nie Huaisang tells him and Jiang Cheng goes very still. “When father died and da-ge decided to not take a wife, they wrote that down somewhere. I’m to inherit the Sect should anything happen to my brother.”

“He—it didn’t sound like that when we talked,” Jiang Cheng carefully says.

It makes no sense. Nie Mingjue had looked sad as he had said that he needs to prepare. Why would he look sad if he already has an heir.

“There was sadness on his face when he said it,” Jiang Cheng weakly goes on, because he still remembers that look and it cuts him just as much as it did then.

“It was probably regret. Da-ge wanted to give me an intensive few months of Sect Leader training, so that he could hand off the reigns sooner, before his qi deviations get really bad. He resolved himself to not see you during those months, because he said you distract him too much.”

“No, he—” Jiang Cheng starts, putting his head in his hands. “That’s not how that conversation went.”

“Clearly, it’s not,” Nie Huaisang says drily. “But we both know da-ge and we know you. Both of you tend to draw your own conclusions. Da-ge thought he made himself perfectly clear—asking for a few months with nothing but letters for contact—and you thought he was breaking up with you. I can see where you would get that idea from, don’t take me wrong—da-ge is horribly bad at wording things—but it’s not what he wanted. He’s moping and heartbroken at home. I didn’t even get any training yet.”

“You hate training,” Jiang Cheng mutters, his head spinning.

“I like logistics and getting people to do what I want,” Nie Huaisang corrects. “And I would like my brother to be happy again,” he tacks on, with a raised eyebrow.

Jiang Cheng swallows.

“He doesn’t want to take a wife?” he asks, just to make sure. “He doesn’t want to sire an heir?”

“He does want to adopt a kid with the guy he had been courting for a while,” Nie Huaisang says, absolutely nonchalant as if it’s not blowing Jiang Cheng’s mind to hear that Nie Mingjue thought about a little family of their own.

“Really?” Jiang Cheng asks, his voice full of hope and his heart hammering away in his chest.

“Really,” Nie Huaisang assures him, finally picking up his fan and flicking it open with the by now so familiar gesture.

“I think I have to cut your visit here short, then,” Jiang Cheng says, already scrambling to his feet.

“You go on ahead,” Nie Huaisang waves him off, draping himself over the table. “The flight here was way too exhausting for me.”

“Sure,” Jiang Cheng says, rolling his eyes, but not actually bothering to convince Nie Huaisang.

If he flies alone he can push himself as much as he wants, and then he gets to see Nie Mingjue sooner.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng doesn’t bother to announce his arrival and Nie Mingjue’s disciples clearly don’t deem it necessary to do it, either, it seems, because Jiang Cheng simply barges into Nie Mingjue’s quarters without anyone telling him.

“What are you doing here?” Nie Mingjue asks him, his voice rough and Jiang Cheng sees the dark circles under his eyes and how pale he is.

It seems they both didn’t deal well with the temporary break-up.

“Huaisang invaded Lotus Pier,” Jiang Cheng tells him and Nie Mingjue immediately draws himself up.

“Whatever he said, don’t listen to him. I respect your choice,” Nie Mingjue reassures him and Jiang Cheng wants to go to him and hug him and kiss him, but for now he simply rolls his eyes.

“He said there was a misunderstanding.”

“A what?”

“You said you need someone to take over the Sect. You never mentioned Huaisang. I thought you meant you want to take a wife,” Jiang Cheng explains in as little words as possible, because he is dying with the urge to finally get his hands on Nie Mingjue again.

“A wife,” Nie Mingjue repeats and blinks. “If anything she would be the second wife, because I intent to marry you.”

Jiang Cheng flushes bright red at that, but his heart is dancing in his chest. With happiness, for a change.

“Yeah, I should hope so,” Jiang Cheng says and dares to step closer. “But I understand duty to your Sect and so when you said it like that—”

“You thought I would ask you to step back so I can focus on my Sect. You would have allowed me to take a wife?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng shrugs.

“Duty comes first,” he says because if he learned anything in his youth then it’s that. “I understand that. I didn’t like it, but it sounded sensible to me.”

“Nothing about that is sensible, I love you, what the hell would I ever do without you?”

Find someone else to love, Jiang Cheng wants to say, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t let him, because with two big steps he’s right in front of him and he doesn’t hesitate to crush Jiang Cheng to his chest.

“What would I even do without my heart?” he whispers again and Jiang Cheng’s resolve is broken.

He slings his arms around Nie Mingjue and presses himself as close as he can get, his breath leaving him in shuddering bursts.

“I didn’t like it,” Jiang Cheng chokes out. “I missed you so much. I love you.”

“Never think something like this again,” Nie Mingjue begs him. “I would never do that to you, not for any duty in the world.”

“Okay,” Jiang Cheng weakly says and Nie Mingjue presses a kiss to his head.

“Not for any duty,” he repeats and Jiang Cheng nods.

“Okay, alright,” he gets out, his voice choked up with tears.

For once they are tears of happiness because he’s finally back where he belongs.

Link to my ko-fi

#bt writes #mingcheng #the untamed #mdzs #angst #misunderstandings #temporary break-up #getting back together #hurt/comfort #nmj is alive #nhs is the best friend #and brother #and he will not let either of them forget it

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raineydays411 · 3 years

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Oh, what am I supposed to do without you

Loki x daughter!reader

Summary: Loki thought he was in a good place. He was married, happy and having a child. He should’ve known the universe wasn’t that kind.

A/N: God I’m so sorry about this one lol. Not much of the reader but I will be making a second part. I hope yall like this one though. Inspiration came from “Mr, Loverman” and this fic.

Master list

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The silence was rattling. It creeped into the room, slowly,menacingly. Threatening to make him go mad. It wrapped around his body like a familiar friend. Making it hard for him to breath as it suffocated him. He knew they were staring at him. Trying to figure out what he would do next, whether he would break or not. Truthfully he didn’t know what he would do. For now he just starred as well. Not at them, of course not. He stared at the one thing that mattered. His reason for waking up and living. The one person in this entire universe who gave his world color. He reached out to touch her. Touch the hands that were always so warm against his cold skin. Hands that held his firm and sure as she pulled him along behind her, a smile on her beautiful face. Hands that were now cold and limp, the radicant glow she had been known for gone dark. The colors she brought to his world dimmed to dull, gre, muted hues. Then a sound broke through the silence. two sounds actually. One a wail of new life, a baby taking her first breaths, and another. A wail of a man who has lost everything. A wail of agony and pain.

As the healers bustled around him, Loki had only one thought in his head.

“What am I supposed to do without you”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three months later and Loki still felt the emptiness left by his love. He heard her at night, humming sweet melodies as she stroked his hair. He hears her heartbeat as he eventually falls asleep, worn out by his constant tears. His room is in shambles, his clothes strewn about the floor, furniture smashed, everything is destroyed. Except for the things that belong to her. Her silk dresses that draped on her body perfectly were still hanging, untouched. The books she spent hours reading and re-reading remained on the shelf, collecting dust as they were no longer used. He doesn’t let anyone in their chambers. The space where they both shared. Space where they fought, made up, made love. To let someone else in would be tainting it. Soiling the memories they made together. That was one thing he could never do.

Another was look at the little monster who is responsible for this tragedy.

It was a girl. The daughter of one Loki Odinson and his beloved.

Ironic. This child was supposed to bring happiness with its birth. Not even cleaned and it already managed to take away Loki’s light. He can barely stand looking at it. He tried, of course he tried. But within minutes he had to call the nurse to take it away. Why?

Because she has her mothers eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Loki”

“Get out”

“Loki, it's been nine months since your child was--”

“THAT THING IS NO CHILD OF MINE”

Frigga was taken aback. She knew her son was heartbroken, devastated at the loss of his wife. But to disown his daughter, that was something she didn’t see coming.

“Loki, you are being unreasonable.”

“Unreasonable? My wife has died because if that creature--”

“It is a child. A babe who has no idea who her father nor her mother is.”

“And as far as I’m concerned she never will!” Loki shouts, finally looking up at his mother.

Frigga heart breaks for her son. She sees the utter agony he is in, the inner torment going on in his soul. Even if she didn’t see it in his face, the state of his room and self gives it away. He looks like he hasn’t bathed in the nine months that has passed. His clothes were rumpled and wrinkled, hair unkempt and wild. His face was pale and hollow, as if he was only eating enough to survive. He had dark bags under his eyes that showed that he hasn’t been sleeping well. He truly was a man who was broken, almost beyond repair.

“My son” Frigga said carefully,” I can never understand the pain you are going through, I pray to Valhalla I will not have to anytime soon. But please if not for yourself or that child, for the memory of her, attempt to see your daughter before making a rash decision.” And with that, she walked out of his chamber, leaving Loki to the silence again as he stared at the spot his mother stood. considering her words, he got up. picked up his room, went to bathe and walked out of the room for the first time in nine months.

His face held no emotion as he walked down the hallways. He saw the servants stop and stare at him, shock filled their face as they saw the prince. He glared at them, sending them scurrying at the dark glance. He reached the nursery, the maid who oversaw the nursery tried to stop him.

“My lord, you--”

“Where is the child.” He said, calm and cool. The maid looked at him in fear, not knowing how to respond. At her silence, Loki scoffed and pushed her away, marching into the nursery. Upon entering he froze, memories of him and his beloved discussing the design they wanted for their child

**“Darling, why does the color shade matter? It’s not like the child has expectations.”

Laughter fills the air, “Loki, we must put every effort into showing our child they are loved. That includes finding the perfect shade of green to go with the room”

Loki looks at his wife, gently smiling.”If you say so my dear”**

The room was perfect. The walls were a beautiful shade of green that allowed the light into the room. There were vines and flowers crawling up the walls and draped over curtains. A white and gold crib stood in the middle of the chamber. A veil draped over it, preventing Loki from seeing the child inside. He was thankful as he worked up the courage to walk up to it. He looked out the window, seeing the stars that covered the sky, the lights of Asgard covering the earth.

She would have loved it.

He took a deep breath and walked toward the crib. He pulled back the veil only to see that there was no child in there.

“The babe is with your mother my lord.”

He turned to the maid. Embarrassed that she might have witnessed him reminiscing.

“And where is my mother” He asked

“In-in the dining hal--”

He walked away before she was able to finish her sentence. He took long strides to the hall, wondering his his mother had tricked him into eating with the family.On the way, he passed a window overlooking the garden. He thinks of the times where he used to sit in it and listen to her read.

*** “...exquisite, in question more. These happy masks that kiss fair ladies’ brows”

“My love, why do you insist on reading these midgardian stories?”

Her laughter reaches his ears, “Because beloved, it's a different perspective to something familiar”

“Oh? and what is that ?”

“Love” ***

“oki--”

Hearing his name, Loki is brought back to present times once more. He looks to see Thor, watching him with careful eyes.

“Brother, it is wonderful to see you.”

“I wish I can say the same.”

Thor laughs, a soft chuckle compared to the booming laughter Loki knows he is capable of.

“Ah Loki, your dry wit has been missed”

Loki rolls his eyes and starts walking and Thor follows. The two walking in silence.

“What is it like?” Loki says softly. Thor looks at him in confusion.

“It?”

“The child.”

“Oh brother, Y/n is--”

“Y/n?”

That was the name she wanted. If they were to have a girl. She was determined, seeing the name in the book she loved to read. He remembers when they were telling his family she was with child.

*** Everyone was seated, servants bustling around the long table. Laughter filled the hall as the sun was setting.

“Loki, you said you had news to tell us” Frigga said, taking a sip of her wine.

Loki smiled, looking at his wife. Her face absolutely radiant as she flashes a smile of pure joy.

“ Well,” Loki waits till Thor has taken a large swig of ale, “ My beloved and are are expecting a child.”

Gasps fill the room as well as Thor's hacking, ale being spewed on the table.

“Oh Loki that is wonderful!!” Frigga exclaims standing from her seat to embrace him. “Oh my dear, this is the most wonderous news,”

“BROTHER I can’t believe it!” Thor exclaims, lifting Loki in a crushing hug. And for once, he didn’t mind it. He turns to her and hugs her more gently. “ You are just full of surprises aren’t you, starlight”

Laughter, “Thor, I thought I told you to stop calling me that”

Silence fills the hall as Odin clears his throat, “ Loki, you have made me proud.”

Loki smiles as his love beams at him.

“Thank you father.”**

They reached the dining hall. A cold feeling formed in the pits of his stomach. He can see his mother, talking with a maid as she bounces the child. He can’t see it, as Frigga's back is turned to him. Odin’s presence is notably absent, a small relief on Loki's part.

Thor notices his brother’s nerves, he pats him on the back and says, “You can do this Loki.” Then walks off to join his mother. He kisses his mothers cheek and smiles at the child. He picks her up, bouncing her a few times prompting a small laugh. Loki gimances at the sound.

Thor walks up to him with the baby.

“Loki, this is Y/n Odinson”

He looks at the child. He takes in its features, Beautiful curly hair, already thick and voluminous even at this age. Brown skin, unblemished and clean. Cheeks, chubby with baby fat. And...its eyes. Those damn eyes, he could barely stand it, (e/c) eyes, the same as his lost love. In fact, almost all it’s features that once belonged to his darling. A pain filled his body. He really couldn’t stand looking at this child.

Not when his beloved wasn’t there to gaze upon their child as well.

No, this was not his child. Not anymore.

“Get rid of it.”

Shock filled the faces of both Thor and Frigga.

“Loki you cannot be serious.”

“Brother..”

“I SAID GET RID OF IT” Loki shouts. “I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT LITTLE MONSTER.”

And with that he leaves the dining hall. Leaving behind his mother, brother and the last piece of his wife he had. He hears it’s cries fill the silence.

He had only one thought in his head as he entered his chambers.

“What am I supposed to do without you”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#loki x daughter!reader #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #marvel x reader #thor x reader #thor odinson #loki imagine #angst #fanfic #mcu loki #mcu imagine #tom hiddleston #poc #poc reader #reader insert #Loki x poc!reader

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sasarahsunshine · 3 years

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Okay. Okay. Hear me out. Spencer is a vampire. And nobody knows (except Diana ofc). So he tells Gideon and Gideon is weird about it and then he leaves and Spencer is heartbroken cause his only semi-reliable father figure left and didn’t really accept him. (I live for Gideon slander I apologize.) So so- The team sees that Spencer’s feeling down and when they ask about it (it probs takes a while and several times of asking) everything comes out and then BAM! Found family, absolutely no romance, just 10/10 family dynamics cause y e s

BAU AS FAMILY! BAU AS FAMILY! (I also live for Gideon slander, so you're welcome here!)

I love BAU as family fics so much. Even though I tend to lean towards romance in these asks, the found family trope will always be, hands down, my favorite trope of all time.

Reid would be so devastated when Gideon leaves, because he thinks he left because of him. "He couldn't handle knowing what I am." He struggles for a couple of months, not drinking as much blood as he should ("maybe I can wean myself off of it? and be normal?"), and he's definitely not doing well. The team notices, worries he's doing drugs or drinking too much or something.

Finally, Penelope comes up with a plan. They have a "party" at Rossi's (who is still getting used to this new team, but he's starting to fit in more and more with each passing day). Derek forces Spencer to come, going out of his way to pick up the kid from his apartment. "Come on, Pretty Boy. We haven't spent time together outside of work in months. Just do this, for me?"

"Fine," Spencer mumbles, slipping his shoes on and numbly following Derek to his car. The whole drive is silent, Spencer's forehead leaning against the window. He feels weak, sluggish, depressed. Nobody will ever accept him for who--what-- he is. Nobody will ever love him beyond his mind. He's only useful to this team because of his intelligence. He'll always be alone, always--

"Hey, Pretty Ricky, we're here."

Spencer slowly crawls out of the car, squinting at the literal mansion that towers over him and Derek. "Wow."

"Yeah," Derek chuckles, "Come on. I bet Prentiss is already half a bottle deep into some wine."

But instead of the party he was expecting, Spencer is greeted with the team standing around the kitchen, chatting, drinking wine, smiling. Penelope pulls him into a hug and offers him a glass, which he takes hesitantly (he doesn't like drinking alcohol- it doesn't really do anything for him anyways-- wait). He sniffs the wine. This isn't wine.

He looks up at the team in shock.

"This is... blood?"

Hotch is sipping from his own glass (his is definitely wine, not blood, lol). Penelope nods, "Yeah. I um, did some research. You were acting all weird and sad, and you got super pale- and I mean like, paler than normal pale for you- and one time I swore I saw fangs so like-" she interrupts herself and smiles sheepishly, "Well, I found out what you are. And we wanted to show you that we still love you, and we're not scared of you. And we wanna help you, with whatever it is you're going through."

And Spencer just... cries. He smiles, setting the wine glass down and hugging Penelope. Because the team knows. They know he's a monster, but they threw this... party? For him? To tell him that they accept him? And they love him?

Then we get a whole group hug because I am cheesy. And Spencer just feels these intense emotions coursing through him and he can't contain them, just breaking down into sobs as his knees buckle and the team holds him up.

Whoops this got long-

#Sarah replies #anon #BAU As Family #Ask #Vampire!CM #Vampire AU #Vampire Reid #Gideon Slander lol #Vampires #Criminal Minds #The BAU as Family #Found Family

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like-rain-or-confetti · 4 years

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Pendant (The Volturi x Reader)

You were quiet and often kept to yourself. That being said, you were still a joy in people's lives and that wasn't any different for the Volturi. Demetri was a charmer and made it his goal to make you blush multiple times a day. Felix seemed to follow suit although was slightly more protective of you as well as Heidi. The twins kept their distance but you hadn't felt their wrath and so that was a good sign. Alec had even said some brief sentences towards you without any malice but his expression was always completely blank. You couldn't read him at all. The leaders treated you no differently but it was apparent in how they thought of you. They thought you to be a child and you must have been in their eyes. Caius was always a little more patient with you than usual, Aro was just as keen to know your mind since you rarely spoke it. Marcus gave you your space with advice given here and there. He was more nurturing than the rest of the group and in your eyes, he for sure saw you as a child.

You passed by Marcus' door with Aro and Caius before halting almost immediately just as they did. "Brother?" Aro tilted his head. Marcus was knelt on the floor, his back to the door, hunched over something. Aro entered the room and Caius was quick to out a hand on your back and push you forward and into the room with them. You looked down to see in his hand a ruby, encased in what looked to be solid gold. It must have been worth hundred of thousands at least. Then you noticed some oddities. The ruby was out of place, slightly jutting out. The gold chain lay in the floor with a small piece of gold hanging from it. Then it hit you what had happened. It was a pendant and it had broke. "Is that-?" Caius began. "Didyme's." Marcus said quietly, looking down at it. "One of her favourites." "What happened?" Aro asked. "It's old. The chain gave out and in the fall the dresser knocked the pendant." You were devastated for Marcus, your expression turning to one of heartbreak. Marcus lifted his gaze, catching eyes with your pained expression. "You mustn't worry. Things get old and they break." He looked down at the pendant. It was oddly fitting coming from him. Marcus was an old soul at heart even to this day and sadly, his heart was broke when Didyme died. Marcus let the pendant fall out his hand as he stood up. "It doesn't matter." Marcus left the room leaving the three of you in silence.

Slowly you moved forward, out of Caius' grasp and you bent down picking up the chain and the pendant. Aro looked at the pendant in your hands. He obviously remembered it well and to see it was a heavy reminder of his sister's death. "What is it, my dear?" Aro asked finally. You looked down at the necklace for a moment before reaching out your hand. Aro took it. "You needn't worry about this, (Y/N). It was inevitable." ‘Let me try. Please let me try to fix it.’ “What is it?” Caius looked between the two of you. ‘Please.’ You pleaded internally. Aro dropped your hand. “Very well.”

You did a lot of research for a number of days after that. Marcus didn't even ask where the pendant had gone. You began to wonder if perhaps Aro and Caius told him of your plans. The chain itself would be the easy fix. The jewel itself would be an issue. You were worried that if you tried to push it back then perhaps it would break and how would you weld the jewel back onto the gold bar hanging on the chain? That was when you realised you'd need more assistance than anticipated.

After some time, you convinced Heidi to let you go out, promising you'd only be down the street and she'd know since she was out for the tours. You had no clue how much it would cost but...you wanted to try. The jeweler gawked at first and you quickly came up with the story that if had been passed down from generations and your grandfather was heartbroken when his deceased wife's pendant broke. "He's very lucky to have a grandchild like you." The jeweler said and you smiled slightly. "Would you be able to fix it?" He nodded. "Yes but...it wont be cheap." "How much?" He was reluctant to answer. "Tell me, how much do you have with you?" "Five hundred." You responded. "This is more expensive because of its value with evident age but you're a good person. So I'll give you a discount." The jeweler continued. "Come back at five. I'll have it done for you by the end of the day." Suddenly an idea sprung into your head.

You knew you had no chance of convincing Heidi to help you again and she wasn't exactly discreet most of the time. So you decided to try and convince someone who you knew could keep a secret. "Why were you in here?" Alec asked before you opened the door to the jewelers. The man greeted you both, box in hand. "Here you are." You thanked him before handing over the money. Alec eyed it almost immediately but said nothing and you both left. "Where did you get all of that money from?" Alec asked finally. "It was mine." You said. "Yours?" "I had money saved up." You explained. "Had? Was...was that all of it?" Alec's eyes widened ever so slightly. You nodded. "Yeah." "Why did you...? What did you buy?" He asked incredulously. "I wanted to fix Didyme's necklace. Marcus looked so sad that it was worth it." "You're kind." Alec stated as though the extent had just been made clear to him. You shrugged lightly.

You briskly walked to the throne room, immediately apologising for being late. Caius was about to give you a wicked scolding until the three leaders turned their attention to the box you had in your hands. "What's that?" Aro asked lightly. "Forgive me, it's the reason I was out later than expected." You began. "It's for Master Marcus." The three looked surprised as Marcus turned his gaze to you. "What is it?" He asked before holding out his hand.

You moved forward and climbed the few steps before gently placing the box into his hand. Marcus looked slightly confused yet moved to open it. Aro rose off of his throne to take a look over Marcus' shoulder. Marcus' eyes widened as he looked inside whilst Aro gasped. You froze in anticipation.

Slowly Marcus lifted the pendant out of the box. It looked good as new, fixed and polished. Although there was a new detail. On the back of the gold playing, there was intricate engraving. 'Didyme.' As the silence continued you began to grow fearful. Had you done something wrong? Didn't he like it? Should you have left it alone? A million questions rushed through your head all at once and suddenly Marcus stood up.

He gently put down the pendant and the box onto his thrown before descending the stairs towards you. His eyes were glistening slightly and darkening by the second, and you could see the true emotions he felt. The ones he tried to desperately to hide by a empty facade. Absolute heartbreak. The worst of the worst heartbreaks that make one wonder how in earth they're still standing. Marcus placed his hands on your shoulders.

After a moment of looking into your eyes with his own filled with pain he pulled you closer to him and just like that, Marcus hugged you to him. He towered over you much like many of the Volturi members. One arm wrapped around your back and the other hand cradled the back of your head with a feather-like touch. Slowly you hugged him back. Marcus couldn't bring himself to speak and so in turn he could only hold you that little bit tighter ad his thumb stroked the section of your head his thumb could reach. Finally you barely heard him whisper out as best as he could. "Thank you, little one."

At around eleven at night. You had already gone to sleep around half an hour ago and Marcus could still only stare at the pendant in his hands. His book was long abandoned despite being in the library, reading wasn't on his mind. As Alec caught side of Marcus whilst entering the library he curtly nodded and greeted him. "Alec, might I ask something of you?" "Of course, master." Alec approached him immediately. "You escorted (Y/N) back to us today, didn't you?" Marcus asked. Alec nodded. "I did. It was at around five o'clock." "Did they tell you how they managed to get it fixed?" "Well I heard they spent a few weeks trying to fix it but couldn't so they took it to a nearby jeweler under the pretense it was a family heirloom. I discovered that it cost them their savings." Marcus paused. "Pardon?" "Yes, I had a similar reaction. They accessed all of their money and used it to pay for the repairs." Alec responded. "All of it?" Alec nodded. "Yes, they don't have any money. That was the last of it." Marcus paused. "Thank you Alec, that will be all." Alec nodded and wasted no time leaving.

The next morning, you were surprised to hear that Marcus had summoned you to his private study. "I was surprised that you had decided you wanted to fix the pendant. Aro and Caius hadn't told me." Marcus began. "I know how much it means to you." You said quietly. "No, you don't." Marcus said. "You know only what I openly express and I can assure you, my dear, this pain isn't merely skin deep. It's bigger than I could ever be." You nodded, looking down at the wooden floorboards. "However, that doesn't make you ignorant and I am happy to know you have never dealt with such a pain as I have. As a matter of fact, it says how empathetic you are. Seeing as you went through all the bother to fix the pendant despite me giving up on it. Although even that appears to be an understatement. Alec told me what you did to get it fixed." You tilted your head slightly and Marcus continued. "Alec told me you used your own money to get it repaired when you couldn't repair it on your own. Even more so, you used all of it. Is that true?" "Yes, master." You nodded simply. "That generosity is very noble of you, (Y/N) and no one in this castle is deserving of such a kindness. Therefore I feel it only right that I replace that money you spent." Marcus said. "Oh... master there is really no need to. I'm more than happy to have done it. It means a lot to you and if I can do anything to help you, I will." Marcus stared you down for a minute. "This world had always been a cruel place, little one. Your kindness is a gift to all and I fear this world may swallow you whole. However, I don't think I could ever let that happen." Marcus picked up an envelope from his desk and moved towards you. He took one of your hands and made you clutch the envelope. "Take it. I insist."

#twilight #volturi #the volturi #reader #marcus volturi #one shot #oneshot

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muffledcries · 3 years

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Jahmil French (July 29, 1991 – March 1, 2021)

We worked together on Soundtrack, and every single time you entered the room we all felt it get brighter. You were shiny, magnetic and so so kind. RIP and fly with the angels Jah. – JENNA DEWAN Really hate that this is real. @JahmilFrench you will be missed my friend. Thank you for your talents that pushed me, your energy that kept our little family on @soundtracknetflix glued together. I’m happy I was able to get to know you. Our work together def made an impact on me & You and your Mom felt like family back home. Today and everyday we will remember you and continue to be inspired to live and be great for you. Rest In Peace Jah. – CHRISTINA MILLIAN Honestly been at a loss for words since I heard the news. This doesn’t feel real. Jahmil, was one of the most talented actors I’ve ever worked with. One of the funniest kindest people I ever met. The life of the party, every room he would walk into he would always be dancing and making people laugh and smile. Too many good memories. Thank you Jahmil. Rest In Peace King. – AJ SAUDIN Heartbroken over the loss of our friend Jahmil French. We started on Degrassi the same year and I’ll never forget the day I met him. Jahmil was so full of energy and absolute joy to be around. The video on the last slide is how I always think of him, always dancing. He was such a special person and I’m so grateful for the memories we made. I still can’t believe it. Gone way too soon. He will be so missed by us all. – ANNIE CLARK My heart is so heavy.. Truly one of a kind. Rest In Peace. – CRISTINE PROSPERI I’m sick with the news of Jahmil’s passing. He performed Dave with such sensitivity and thoughtfulness and could make me laugh so easily. It was a pleasure to work with him and he will be missed. This is a real loss. Rest In Peace. – STEFAN BROGREN Jahmil had such talent and charisma that it would have been intimidating were he not also a real gentleman. He would show up to my house-parties with a crew of dancers and they would elevate the mood immediately. When life got messy he would handle himself with grace and levity. He was precocious. And his love for music (and dance) was contagious. He showed me Section 80 by Kendrick Lamar, made me appreciate Drake’s Houston sound… Wish I’d gotten the chance to catch up with him one more time, hear where his mind/dreams were at. – SAM EARLE Jahmil, your talents and energy will never be forgotten. One of the best smiles with the most beautiful soul. Jahmil, you will always be such a bright light in this world. – SARAH FISHER This one really hurts. Jahmil French was a truly kind soul and one of the most talented actors around. He inspired me with his confidence and support from the first day we met and will continue to do so forever. Thank you for everything you gave to this world through both your art and your humanity. Rest In Peace my friend. – CRAIG ARNOLD Much love to the entire Degrassi family on this difficult day. It was a complete honour to write for and work with Jahmil, an incredible actor and talent gone way too soon. – RAMONA BARCKERT An extraordinary talent and a bright light on and off screen. Rest in peace, Jahmil. – MICHAEL GRASSI So sad to hear about the passing of Degrassi cast-member Jahmil French. An endlessly talented & charming performer who was always fun to write for. Last time I saw him, he was nominated for a CSA for his work in the movie Boost and I was certain he was only getting started. RIP. – MATT HUETHER Jahmil was always such a kind person. My heart is heavy for him and his family. Thanks for all the good memories Jahmil, you really had an impact. I’ll cherish all the fun we had dancing at basement parties all those years ago. Still in shock. Jahmil will be missed. He was an integral part of the Degrassi family and certainly a huge part of my degrassi days. He always wanted to make people laugh and smile, a true joy to be around. Rest in Peace. – CHLOE ROSE Rest easy, my friend. Your talent, kindness and shining bright light will never be forgotten. – JESSICA TYLER Wanted to pay my respects to an incredibly kind, funny, and talented individual; Jahmil French. One of the first people I met on Degrassi, he immediately made me feel welcome. He disarmed you with a smile and his confidence and energy was infectious. You’ll be missed, brother. – DYLAN EVERETT Jahmil was one of the most gifted and effortless performers I’ve ever met. His vibrant personality lit up the room. Rest easy my friend. – MUNRO CHAMBERS I am heartbroken to hear about the loss of Jahmil. Jahmil was an extraordinary talent and a bright light on and off the screen. He was a joy to work with on Degrassi: The Next Generation. He brought an authenticity and burst of life to every scene he was in and infused his character ‘Dave’ with an airy lightness. Off screen Jahmil would always make me smile. He will be deeply missed. – LINDA SCHUYLER My heart goes out to the entire Degrassi community., but particularly of course to those who were closest with Jahmil. We have lost one of our own. Jahmil was kind, intelligent, extremely talented, and just a wonderful person. He was also of course an incredible dancer, and since I am the exact opposite we had a running joke that I had taught him all his dance moves. When I would completely ineptly do the Moonwalk, Jahmil would cheer me on, while everyone else would beg me to stop! RIP Jahmil French, your soul and presence are sorely missed. – STEPHEN STOHN A sad day for the Degrassi family. With a heavy heart I thank you for all the times you made me laugh, taught me dance moves, and gave me confidence as Adam. Thinking of all the memories we shared on and off of set. - JORDAN TODOSEY Thinking of Jahmil French & the entire Degrassi family today click here for the full post - LYLE LETTAU This one hurts me deeply. When I found out yesterday I refused to believe it! I wouldn’t except it and to be honest I still don’t quite believe it’s real. I love you and the energy between us was always genuine. Working with you was always a blast and you were always the coolest man in the room. Till we meet again my friend. – CORY LEE Terribly sad to hear about Jahmil’s passing. Whether I was his scene partner, or just a viewer, I was in awe of his sheer talent. A room was brighter because he was in it. A true performer, a great guy and a huge loss. #RestInPeace – JUSTIN KELLY I’m so shocked and saddened to hear this news about Jahmil. Jahmil was and is such a kind, fun loving, hilarious, full of life, hard working and professional person. He was my first real scene partner on a series I got to be a series regular on. I remember the day my agent sent me the casting for Degrassi. It said I would be playing Dave Turners love interest. So the first thing I did was pull up the good ol IMDB machine and find out who Jahmil French was. The same day as my audition a few mere hours later I got the call that the role was mine (pretty rare in this industry) I went in to do my fitting and thats when I met Jahmil, Spencer and AJ for the first time as they played an iconic trio on the show. They were all super friendly and nice to me and made me feel very welcomed to be joining the cast. I was nervous and 15 at the time. Jahmil was the integral glue that held the circle together and its would lead to an amazing friendship that I got to have with Spencer. I had only been slated to do 3 episodes on the show but I believe it was the on screen chemistry Jahmil and I had that lead me to stick around for longer. Jahmil always had a smile on his face. I would come in at 5am for our call to do prep and be so tired, but there he was hanging out in the green room dancing so full of energy and life. Jahmil LOVED dancing and he was really good at it too. And I’d ask him “How do you even have this much energy this early LOL” and he’d just laugh and smile. Any time we went down to block he’d be word perfect on his lines, hit every mark and bring such an amazing professionalism to the set it was mesmerizing to watch. He played every scene with a new beat that always kept it interesting and fresh. Jahmil was and still is such a kind hearted dedicated person who eventually really went on to flourish in his career and he will be deeply missed. Heaven really gained a new angel today, Rest In Peace and say hey to all the other pals up there. Spencer and I will pour one out for you - ALEXX BENOIT Rest in peace my guy. An amazingly talented actor who had such a presence on and off screen. – DEMETRIUS JOYETTE Jahmil was such a wonderful person to be around. so funny, so charismatic, so talented. and my god he loved his work. I’m devasted. Sending my love to his friends and family. In a year full of grief, it’s hard to comprehend how there can be room for more. And yet. Jahmil French was an incredible person, so full of talent and passion for his work. He lit up a room with his energy and dance moves. An easy smile and a natural charisma. He will be so missed. My heart is broken. I feel strange, announcing these things I wish I had told him more often. Reached out more often. The regret is acute. He deserved his flowers when he was here. I hope he knew how much love & admiration there was for him in this world. – AISLINN PAUL One of the most talented, kind hearted, funny spirits I’ve had the pleasure of building a friendship with. Jahmil is an icon. My love for him runs deep. Jahmil you will always hold such a special place in my heart. Thank you for being one of the most talented, compassionate, kindest, funniest friends I have. You were so loved. I’ll miss our dance offs. #Bhandurner forever. Jah literally won the title of most competitive goofball. What joy he brought to my life and to so many. So grateful for memories and deep convos with you, beautiful angel. Blessed that we got to be part of a big dysfunctional family together. Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. I just hope you knew how loved you were. I learnt so much working with this talented dedicated soul. Please send a prayer for his soul to go directly toward the light. – MELINDA SHANKAR Such a beautiful soul & a light to everyone around him. Rest in Paradise Jahmil. – JOELLE FARROW This moment will live in my mind forever. A beautiful soul, thank you for the years of memories and laughter. You’re a light my brother and I’m so happy we got to experience this crazy life together. I’ll always remember you dancing down the halls of the green room. Rest In Peace. – LUKE BILYK I’m devasted. My man, I swear I was just thinking about you not even a few days ago when I was making my new demo reel, watching all the old Degrassi episodes. So talented. So unbelievably wise beyond your years. You made one of the best times of my life even better. I’m so crushed. I should have called you. I dont deserve to miss you as much as I do now. I would always say my favourite actor on the show was Mr. Jahmil French. I would always watch his parts when going thru Degrassi material to either study my tech or to cut demos or whatever else. Not 4 days ago was I daydreaming about making some kind of new production with all of those talented people. My hearts broken. – DANIEL KELLY Jahmil was always the brightest light in the room. Smiling, dancing and making all of us laugh till we cried. Rest In Peace you beautiful soul. You will be missed… - ALICIA JOSIPOVIC This is absolutely heartbreaking. While I never worked directly with Jahmil on Degrassi, our paths did cross a few times. All you needed was 5 minutes with him to realize what a beautiful, talented, bright soul he was. My sincerest condolences to his family and loved onces. Rest In Peace Jahmil French. – ANA GOLJA Shocked & saddened to hear of Jahmil’s passing. Loss of such a talented and bright soul. Rest in Power cuz, I’ll pour one out for you, am so wishing this was a dream. – JAJUBE MANDIELA I join thousands of people around the world thinking about Jahmil today. A beautiful, joyful person to be on set with, truly intimidating on the dance floor, an all-around wonderful person to have known, gone just way, way too soon. Sending love to everyone who loved him. Jahmil, I hope you feel it too. – CHARLOTTE ARNOLD I didn’t know Jahmil very well, but in the few times we met, he was so explosively kind, charismatic and truly interested and invested in every interaction. I immediately felt accepted and got a sense of the deep compassion that so many others had expressed was within him. The impression I had always stuck with me and from all I have heard he was such a beautiful and loving person, the special kind that makes everything a little lighter. Thank you to everyone who has been sharing stories of their time with him. Sending love to Jahmil and all of you. – ERIC OSBORNE Jahmil was such a special human. A long-time acting student of mine, & my mentee. He was fearless and brilliant in his pursuit, and I’m so sad we won’t get to see more of his gift. I’m so grateful to have crossed paths with him, and I wish him eternal peace. – SALVATORE ANTONIO So sad to hear of Jahmil’s passing. He was so kind and so funny. I’m glad I had the chance to know him. You will be missed. Rest in Power Jahmil. Gone too soon. Will never be forgotten. – TAYSHA FULLER Even though I only worked with Jahmil for a little while he made a truly lasting impression. I remember when I first came back to set as Tori and I was incredibly nervous those first few weeks, but Jahmil was so welcoming and treated me and the other new cast members like we’d been a part of the cast the whole time. If he gave you a compliment or even said something as simple as “it’s so good to see you” you knew he genuinely meant it. It seems like a small thing but it’s hard to find that kind of authentic honesty in most people. He was an incredibly talented actor and always such a positive energy on set, and I’ll remember him for all those vibrant moments. Rest In Peace. – ALEXA STEELE This smile. This spark. This spirit. Jah I am missing you from this earthly plane we all love you. – MEGAN FERGUSON there never seems to be enough time… I don’t know if words can describe someone like Jah. He really was too special for this world. A true artist to his soul. I was lucky to call him my friend. Rest in Peace and Power Angel. you will be so dearly missed. – PAUL JAMES I guess I thought if I refrained from making a post, it would ease some of the pain.. but the more hours that pass, the more it sets in heavier. JAH. Mi familia. My brother. I am crushed. I have believed in you since the moment we met, and it makes me smile to know the feeling was 100% reciprocated. The purest soul. Always himself no matter WHERE he went. It takes courage to be that way you know? To have that strength. From Antigone to degrassi, to LA to NY you had EVERYTHING in you to shine. All the power, all the talent, all the intelligence the drive, the fearlessness. Your smile made me smile. Sweeterman jah, I miss you so much already. – SHANICE BANTON Dance on, old friend -through the clouds. I will see you on the other side. click here for the full post – SHANNON KOOK

#jahmil french #this took me forever but i wanted to make it pretty #he will be forever missed #:(#edit*#degrassi #idk why the scroll box isn’t showing up sigh I apologize for it being so long #dave turner

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jennibeultimate · 3 years

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Personal recap Worlds 2021 - Ladies SP

Yes I am back with personal recaps 😁 and as in personal it's totally my opinion and you can agree or not. Tell me what you think if you want.

First I needed to calm down because this was a nerve wrecking ladies short program and I thought I wouldn't care that much for the scoring (knowing it would be sh*t anyway) but yes I was mad. But I think I am calm enough now to put normal sentences out.

Rika Kihira was robbed. Period.

Her mysterious "q" calls were just bullsh*t and watching the replay multiple times I would say ok for the 3T being a bit short on rotation but the 3A I just don't see it. (and German ESP commentators had the same opinion) The program is fire 🔥 🔥 🔥 Rika performed so well. And this deserved just sooooo much better. Sorry bby that you don't get the benefits like some others. ❤️

Anna is my lovely fairy. ❤️❤️❤️ I do like her skating a lot. Her jumps not that much, but I can live with that (I am not a technical nerd). Her musicality is otherwordly. I don't see her being that much better than Rika though. Didn't see such a clean and secure combination from her in ages. She really is mentally very strong. In practice she was in tears a lot, in competition you could see no insecurity.

I am happy for Liza! Her story is really impressive. She is not a skater I root for because I like her skating so much, but because I think her fighting spirit and her guts are amazing and big role model for other skaters in Russia and in general struggling with puberty. You can make it again after 6 years, you have to fight. The 3A was one of the best for her. Her jumps are superb and I am glad that she at least did get a higher TES than Anna, but her PCS are really questionable. But well looking at Sasha's PCS, Liza's doesn't seem so astronomical anymore. Still ridiculous...but at least Liza was flawless. I am not a fan of her new program, I liked "Spartacus" better but it seem to serve her well. So.

Kaori my love 😍 The layout just didn't play out well for her. The combo being shaky costed dearly. But also the 3Lz edge call dropped her score badly. I don't actually have a problem with her score, but just looking that she is the only skater in the Top 10 field to receive a real edge call, while Bradie and Anna get away without any "edge" problem is just unfair. If you score favorably than do the same with everyone. Kaori's speed is unparalleled. Her program grew so much during the season, a very difficult program to make it work but I like it. Anyway Kaori was good and chances for the podium are super slim anyway.

Sasha Trusova - her trainings looked super secure (5 quad clean free) but when it counts she hardly delivers. 34 PCS were super generous for her program. Compare that to Kaori and Karen and so many others and it's just undeserved. 12th place hurts though. I predicted her to not be Top 3 after the SP but 12th place was hardly in my guessing. If she can skate a somewhat clean free skate, she still has a little chance on winning. That would ofc depend on other skaters and favorable PCS but it's not impossible. I hope she can leave the competition with a good feeling. 12th place is not what she is capable of.

Yelim Kim - what an excellent combination. 👌She had plenty of time at landings. The program is a bit bland and risk free. The dress game is A+++! ❤️ I have a soft spot for Yelim since juniors, the fairytale like appearance and movement makes her a sentimental favorite of mine. I was gladly surprised by her score. One of the only scores I could agree on.

Karen Chen - Karen skated beautifully. I am not super flashed by her program but I am happy she delivered so well. And superb 3Lo! 👌 I think if Rika received a "q" on her combo Karen should have gotten the same, but she is American so nope...

Bradie Tennell - anyone knowing my recaps, knows I am hardly a Bradie fan but her programs are interesting and I like this short a lot. But today she just didn't deliver. Her score should not have come this close to Kaori.

Haein Lee - same as for Rika. If a "q" is applied to Haein and Rika than why not Karen? Hello? Haein is really lovely to watch and musical. She has all the right abilities to place high in the future. Wonderful. 😍 I was a bit surprised to hear Helene Fischer's "Ave Maria" (Helene is on of the biggest stage names in Germany) There are so many Ave Maria's and they chose a German singer? 😂

Absolutely heartbroken for Satoko. 😭💔 Her program should receive the highest PCS but she didn't even get as much as Trusova. What a big joke that is. She is such a beautiful skater. What a beautiful dress too. Just nothing worked for her today. What a tragedy. 💔💔💔

The other heartbreak was Maé Méité. 💔💔💔What a sad story that is. Finally she was able to practice without pain and now probably achilles tendon. She could barely walk. I am so devastated for her. Wishing all the best to her. May she return soon.

Alexia Paganini was also really off. Sadly she didn't make the cut. 😢

Lastly I want to add a few pleasant surprises:

Loena Hendricks - Shame about the fall, but everything else was excellent. Glad she got a good scores. So glad she is back!

Josefin Taljegard - She is on 🔥. Surely her technical content isn't as good as that of other skaters but her emotional connection and performance to the music are extraordinary! ❤️ Watch Josefin, you won't regret it!

Madeline Schizas - pleasantly surprised by Madeline. Delivered greatly. I wish for her to maintain that 2nd spot.

Lindsay Van Zundert - Skating first you are usually out of the free skate, but she made the cut with a lovely "Allegria" performance. 😊

Good luck everyone for the free skate! May the judges get the memo that we want fair scoring!

Any complaints about judging I do are always against the judges not the skaters themselves. I hate how unevenly applied the rules are and that judges are playing favorites so hard it's apparent. It's so unfair. Be strict or lenient on every skater from 1st to last the same way. Scores are so whack they only make me mad.

This was a wall of text, sorry. 😅 If you see me not talking about COVID-19, it's not because I don't care but because that's not my main object here and I absolutely won't watch out for behavior that violates any rules. I think everyone is doing everything with the best intentions. I don't wish ill upon anyone. Covid plays a big part here as well, but I like to concentrate on the positive aspects of Worlds and the skating in general instead of being mad about things that are hardly in my power. I'd rather look at what I can do myself and how I can help my locals. I am also tired about my whole day normally being all about covid that I just don't have the energy to talk about it any further.

#figure skating #anna shcherbakova #rika kihira #kaori sakamoto #karen chen #Alexandra Trusova #satoko miyahara #Personal recap #stockholm 2021 #wall of text sorry

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 3 years

Text

I’m copy pasting this somewhat from a letter I wrote to my friend earlier this evening. It is pretty concise as to what is happening with my mother thus far.

The last few days have been very worrying. My mother’s condition with covid got worse. She’s nauseated and deliriously ill and struggling to breath. She was sent back to the hospital four days after they released her. They released her because the beds are filling up so fast, not because she was better.

She tried to go to four different hospitals but they had no room. Eventually she was ambulance driven to a hospital in a rural town fifty miles away. It was a nicer hospital and the staff took more care of her but her situation became even more dire. She has double pneumonia delta variant covid. Two days ago Allison and I called her and god she sounded horrid. She whimpered in agony to talk. She was horribly sorry that she didn’t get the vaccine. I looked it up online and she has a 40% survival rate. We have been devastated. The sick idea of her suffering in the hospital alone is disgusting. She’s not even sixty yet. Every breath is a struggle. At night the doctors spend several hours trying to fix her oxygen.

I’m heartbroken and sick with worry. I go between being numb and sobbing and feeling helpless. She’s suffering. I may never speak to her again. I don’t know how to contextually articulate what that means to my existence but it changes everything. Even if she gets better, I will never be the same. She was part of who I am even when we weren’t close.

Today they emergency flew her to Boise to be on a ventilator. Allison messaged me at work and I fell apart and had to leave. They’ve covered my shifts for this weekend. I sobbed outside until Allison and Eddison came and got me. Happy oblivious people in close quarters looked at me strangely from a completely different reality where covid is merely a year old concept they loosely take seriously. The only bright thing I can say is that her being on a ventilator is actually good news in her situation, not bad. I mean, it’s horrible. But the fact that they gave her one when Idaho has run out is more fortunate news. It means she’s lucky to have that.

Her breathing is stabilized. She still may die. They have a better understanding of how to treat covid than they did last year. I’m trying to stay positive. I love my mom. Hell despite everything I really like her. I just want five to ten more good years with her. I’m writing this in a semi composed way, but I’m not really composed. I’m absolutely unable to focus on much else. The world is just never going to ‘go back’.

Other hideous news is that my grandma Marie, which you may vaguely remember from my life story, and her boyfriend Foreman are both deathly ill of covid. I was very close to her in my late teens and early twenties. He’s a fanatic conspiracy theorist. He believes all the Alex Jones nonsense. They were getting sicker and sicker and when my grandma tried to get better he physically prevented her and yelled at her for trying to get medical help. Maria found out and called an ambulance anyway, which they gave her oxygen and sent her home. She was angered and resentful and when she got back Foreman took half her oxygen for himself. I have no idea how oxygen works or how they take it in, but I will accept what I’m being told.

I really don’t like him and he’s very cult like. He’s someone who is harmless in certain contexts but has the potential for doing great damage and evil mindlessly when the opportunity would arise. My grandma and foreman are now so sick that they can’t move. Their organs are shutting down. They have decided to die together. I half don’t believe this was my grandma’s true will as she was adamantly trying to seek help early on. When they sent her home she gave up. I’m sure hearing about my mother’s condition had broken her spirit also. They have defacated and have feces all over themselves coming off the bed. My sister Maria is trying to take care of them but it’s hard.

David has bronchitis. He’s going to be okay but this whole thing is horrible. He’s focusing on niche news and political topics, and i worry about how his obsession and focus is largely on moral outrage. He’s not a conservative but i see this inhinged need to be angry at ‘a side’. He hates communism and pretty much accused a political people of communism.

My grandma gave into white nationalism and science denial and racism and hate during the end of her life. It started when Obama was first running. I think it gave her something to live for and believe in. Though the potential for hatred and prejudice was in her system she gave into something and it kind of warped her into something that made me want to avoid her, even when I knew and loved her dearly deep down. She was a multitude of people in her time and she was also a very good person in many ways with a limited understanding of the world around her. She had a hard battle to find independence. She’s a victim of what happens when children don’t get hugs.

Old age and loneliness made her open to Fox News and worse. Overtime it made her resent and hate an imaginary enemy every day. Anger and fear that she never coped with distorted her ability to be open. I’m sorry it’s ending this way. She deserves so much more dignity. I know a better side to her and it cuts me to think of her right now wheezing and dying in that manner. She’s very old and I was willing to accept her death. But this is a whole other level of disturbing and sad. She doesn’t deserve to die covered in feces alone. It makes me want to puke.

I’m kind of mad at Maria and her kids because they brought covid to the house and to my grandma. It was to ask for food and gas money. They knew they had covid and didn’t say anything. Now Maria is remorseful and trying to take care of everyone. I’m not actually mad at her. She’s got to be suffering horribly. This is one of the ugliest times in my entire life.

There is nothing anyone can say. I’m disgusted at politicians who politicized this and made people afraid to get vaccinated. They have blood on their hands and they don’t care as they misguide their voter base into death. Even conservatives in other countries aren’t creating myths about covid to create rifts between parties. My mother is a sweet person. She isn’t really good with critical thinking and wasn’t able to access the truth with logic. She’s gullible and childlike. She was fooled. Which was that she was high risk and needed to get vaccinated.

Anyway, there isn’t much else to say. I hope you are staying safe wherever you are. Hold your loved ones close and don’t forget to appreciate the time we have with those people.

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royal-confessions · 4 years

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“Very heartbroken to learn that Meghan had a miscarriage. I hope she and her family can heal from this. What a sad, sad thing to go through. I wish her all the best, and will be praying for her and her health.” - Submitted by Anonymous

“I noticed that I dislike the Sussexes more and more with each new piece of drama surrounding them, but the news about their miscarriage made me sad. Nobody should go through such a horrible experience and I hope they are doing as well as possible.” - Submitted by Anonymous

“I'm so sad to hear about Meghan's miscarriage. I'm never fond of hate towards anyone but thinking about all the abuse she and Harry were getting in that July makes me feel a bit sick now. She is a very strong woman to push through a miscarriage, which is SO painful for a woman to endure, alongside all the vitriol. I hope that Harry did his best to protect her from online nonsense in that time.” - Submitted by Anonymous

“Whether you like Meghan Markle or not. YOU DO NOT WISH SOMETHING HORRIBLE LIKE A MISCARRIAGE! This is a woman's who wants to be a mother worst nightmare. I wish a speed recovery for her and happiness for her family”- Submitted by Anonymous

“The news of the miscarriage is very tragic, but I hope their decision to share their news can lead to more awareness and compassion.” - Submitted by ingek73

“I’ve never been a Meghan fan, but my heart absolutely breaks for her and Harry. As someone who has experienced two miscarriages, it devastates you in a way you didn’t know was possible. I hope writing this article has been cathartic for her and she and Harry have found strength in each other during this time.” - Submitted by Anonymous

“I am not a Meghan Markle fan and probably never will be... but hearing that she had a miscarriage is so upsetting and she deserves all the sympathy. And to the people saying that she’s lying, get a life.” - Submitted by Anonymous

“The Sussexes heartbreaking news is so horrible.. remembering now how cruel life and how evil people can be. Am remembering how some people insulted chrissy Teigen for her miscarriage ... just disgusting ! I can't believe there are nasty comments, I hope they don't read them, especially Meghan but miscarriages are very painful for the father too . I wish them both well with their recovery.” - Submitted by Anonymous

#Meghan Markle #meghan duchess of sussex #Prince Harry #popular

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just2bubbly · 3 years

Text

The Brootp that accidentally became the OTP!

Masterlist

Rumors and Affairs: Chapter List

//This is the update of The Father She Never Had!

A/N: The title is ironical so don’t get confused!

Cinder’s POV-

Thanks to Torin she felt good again, she decided to act on his suggestion and hence she was here, trying to comm Thorne and Cress.

It was Cress who picked up the call and enabled the netlink connection. The Rampion was in the view behind her and from her stay in the satellite it seemed like she was in the galley.

“Hi Cinder!” she said excitedly. She would not seem so excited after she hears what Cinder had done.

“Hey!” she replied rather uninterestedly.

“How are you and Kai?”

“We are doing well. What about you and Thorne?”

“We are absolutely fine. How’s the baby?”

“The baby is healthy as well.”

Thorne poked his head inside the net-screen and with a smug face said,” Oh! What’s my favorite royalty doing?”

She looked numbly at him. She was far from fine even though she just told Cress that she’s fine.

Sensing that everyone has gone silent, Cress started talking trying to establish a conversation.

“Thorne and I have been coming up with baby names. Do you want to hear them?”

She had asked each of her friends to suggest baby names. Kai and she were already thinking about naming their child Peony or Rikan after their loved ones. However both of them were quite against the notion of naming their child after dead people even though they were dear to them. Winter was quite enthusiastic about this activity. She had already suggested the name-‘Aruna’ for a girl which means ‘moon love’ in Japanese. Kai liked it. Wolf had suggested ‘Astra’ for a girl who means ‘star’ and Cinder liked this one.

“If it’s a boy then Kale otherwise Nysa for a girl.” Cress suggested.

“Do you know the gender of the baby?” Thorne asked.

“No, Kai wants it to be a surprise.”

“Can you tell the gender of the baby because of your cybernetics like you had realized that you were pregnant before doing a test?”

“Dunno, are you curious?” She asked teasingly.

“NO! I am just saying that if the gender was known then finding the name would have been easy.”

Cress and Cinder snickered. Not knowing the gender was driving Thorne mad in a way.

“Why did you comm, Cinder? Tell me it’s because you just can’t resist my charms.”

“Captain” Cress scolded. Cinder smiled at the pair. She was waiting for Thorne to propose and see Cress’s elated face. Needless to say, Cress was in love with Thorne before she had even met him.

“Sorry to burst your bubble but Kai is more handsome than you so I would have commed him instead if I wanted to see a handsome face.”

“That hurts.” He said faking the hurt look.

“Serves you right.” Cress and Cinder muttered at the same time. He grinned at them, devilishly.

“Besides I had commed for another reason. I wanted to inform and have some advice over something that I messed up maybe.” She said tensing up.

“You are asking me for advice?” Thorne asked, his brows rising.

“I am asking not saying that I will follow your advice. Didn’t I just say the word ‘inform’ or did you not hear it?”

“What’s wrong with you Cinder?” Cress asked worriedly.

“Yeah, What’s got you in a black mood?” he added.

She should not take out her anger on Thorne. She should be calm and collected. Damn herself and her hormones.

“I am sorry. I should not take my anger on you.”

“It’s okay. That’s what friends are for.” Thorne assured her.

“What did you want to tell, Cinder?” Cress asked.

How could she tell them that she had with her nonsense zoning out confirmed rumors of an affair?

“I did something.”

Seeing that Cinder was going to take a long pause, he asked, “And what’s this something?”

Ah! Why can’t Thorne just keep quiet for a while?! Stars above, telling Kai was so easy as compared to Thorne and Cress.

“I zoned out in a meeting and accidentally confirmed the ongoing rumors about you and me.” She stuttered.

“Uh! Which rumors?” Thorne asked.

“Really Thorne for the person who travels around the world, don't you keep yourself updated with some news.” It appeared that Cress knew about what she was referring too. Cinder had already guessed this because IT WAS CRESS- she knew the internet rumors like the back of her hand.

She glanced at Cress. She was trying her best to maintain a neutral face and not make it more awkward for Cinder, as if it could change anything else.

“Captain I think Cinder means the rumors which mention that you and her are dating without Kai knowing about it.” Thorne’s expression changed from confusion to horror and revulsion.

“Are they the one Cinder?” he cried.

Ashamedly, she nodded my head.

“Shit! No wonder you are acting so bizarre.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be shouting at me?” she whispered.

“Well I am supposed to but what the hell did you actually do?”

She explained both of them her situation and saying that Thorne was a bit angry would have been the understatement of the century. Cress casted some pitying glances along her way but both of them were truly disappointed in her.

“Well you are really in trouble, have a good time convincing people that we are not dating.”

“I am really sorry.”

“It’s not just your problem Cinder; do not blame everything upon yourself.” Cress said reassuringly.

“Besides, didn't Kai already come with damage control plans?”

She could not really look in both of their eyes and speak with them. Hence, she kept her eyes low and murmured something unintelligible. She felt like a disappointing coward, was she really the same person who had killed Levana, a tyrant?!

A headline popped up in her newsfeed stating how “The Emperor will himself address the rumours about the Empress’s courting tomorrow.”

“-He looked miserable and heartbroken upon hearing the news and well it was supposed to happen but he appeared truly devastated on the comm and I am worried.. ” she mumbled.

“Cress can Cinder and I talk alone for a few minutes?” Thorne asked. Hearing this, her head shot up rapidly, Thorne had made some unspoken conversation with Cress already. Something that was clearly not meant for her to see.

Cress left the room only to make Thorne and Cinder avoid each other's eyes for an eternity.

“You screwed up really bad Cinder, huh?”

“If you are going to make me feel worse in any way then let me tell you that internally I am drowning in an ocean of misery so don’t do it.”

“This is not a big joke Cinder, Kai is obviously feeling sad and so am I. Didn’t I tell you that I was supposed to propose to Cress? I can’t do it, Now that you have made this mess.” He spoke glaring daggers at her.

“I am sorry Thorne.”

Thorne berated, “You better be.” She had dragged so many others along with her.

“I am supposed to take a pre-paternity test tomorrow to give an official statement regarding true parentage of the heir.”

“I really feel sorry for you Cinder.”

“You won’t believe how calm everyone is reacting then what I had expected?!” she said honestly.

“Did you want Kai to shout at you or what?” he jokingly asked.

“Not like that Thorne but why can’t you just be like Cress- all assuring and caring?”

“I hope you solve this problem soon- wait! I had this brilliant idea.”

“Hmm.. Not sure if I want to hear this one” preparing herself to hear whatever he had to suggest.

He glared at me and continued,” How about I declare my unconditional love to Cres so that the people would have something else to talk about and they would probably believe that we are not dating”

“The idea is not what I expected but don’t you think that would look like a forced political move? Furthermore won’t it sadden Cress?”

“Yeah” he said with a crestfallen face “what a foolish idea!”

She had wanted him to suggest glamour-ing the journalists into declaring their reposts as void. She personally had liked this idea for a few moments before realizing that ‘It’s such a Levana thing’ to do. Cinder did not want to be a dictator or a tyrant anytime soon.

“Did you tell Iko about this?” he questioned.

“Why would I do that? I have not lost my mind yet. Besides she would kill me upon knowing this. Don’t you know her?” she bawled at his absurdity to ask something like this.

“Okay, no need to shout it.”

“I am afraid,” she admitted.

“Why?”

“Kai is coming today and I don’t know what to expect.”

“He would understand and you know I should not say this.. But I would” he mumbled but then continued with some sort of renewed vigor “I think ‘you both can and will work it out!’” he exclaimed with some new found profoundness

“Really Thorne? Work it out, what kind of garbage advice is that?”

“You should become polite like royalty is supposed to be. Learn from Winter!”

“How about you start giving advice like Jacin then huh?” she retorted.

“Believe me Cinder you would not like me then.” He said making a face at the idea of him acting like Jacin.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” she yelped after seeing the numerous messages on her retina scanner.

“What happened?”

She saw Torin’s message on the portscreen. Kai’s plane had landed and how long had she been talking with Thorne that it was afternoon already?!

“Kai is here.”

“Logically you should be happy but you don’t look like that-” she glared daggers at him. If looks could kill, Cinder would be a serial killer.

“Look who’s talking about logistics” she whispered under her breath.

“Don’t you have to go and greet/welcome him probably?” he said making her remember about her Empress duties.

She should already be present to greet Kai but here she was talking with Thorne. She had convinced herself in believing yesterday that she was an irresponsible Empress and wife. Now that she made such daft mistakes she was questioning why she had not convinced herself before.

”Yeah, why am I forgetting stuff and being an idiot? I am really sorry for the mess I made but I have to go Thorne, Bye!”

“Tell Kai that I said-” Before he could complete, she had ended the comm.

There was no time to waste. She hurriedly left the chambers only to bump into the person she most wanted to see and avoid right now.

A/N: I did not give my best, so this is bad. Bear with me!

#tlc #lunar chronicles #just2bubbly fics #marissa meyer #rumors #what was she thinking #the brootp that became otp #carswell thorne #linh cinder #cresswell #kaider #kaito #cress #cinder #cress darnel #konn torin #telling thorne #brootp #thinder

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allmysticwords · 4 years

Text

BTS Reaction to them cheating on you.

For @micchikari. I hope you like it :)

GENRE: Angst

PAIRING: BTS X Reader

TAG: SAD SAD SAD SAD ! EVEN THE PICTURES ARE SAD ! Also slight suggestive content.

Find PART II HERE

Requestlist | Masterlist

---

Kim Seokjin

Seokjin was taking a shower and you were still in bed sleeping. Lately, he had been very busy always coming home late and always leaving early. You understood though, idol life was not easy. He always made up for it by talking to you amongst other things before you went to bed and sending sweet texts throughout the day, occasionally meeting you for lunch when you had your break near your office. It was tough but you were happy. Until right now. Jin was in the shower but his phone kept ringing waking you up from your sleep. You don’t usually check his phone, but you picked up thinking that it could be an important call from BigHit.

But before you could say anything what the girl on the other end of the line said broke your heart, “Jin oppa, I’m waiting for you in the white lingerie that bought me, please hurry.”

You didn’t quite understand what she said or meant, “Excuse me, what did you say?” you questioned her.

“Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was Kim Seokjin’s phone.” She said and disconnected the call.

“It is” you quietly whispered. Just as Jin walked out of the shower and saw his phone in your hand and a distressed look in your eyes. He understood you know.

“Y/n I can explain” You were frantically picking up all your things and throwing them in your bag. “Y/n wait. It’s not what it seems. Y/n I love you.”

You put your bag on your shoulders and without looking at Jin said, “no you don’t or else you wouldn’t be gifting lingerie to any other girl.”

Jin was surprised at your outburst but kept his calm. He tried to hold your hand but you pushed him away.

“I’ll pick up the rest of my things when you’re not here.” You said as you walked away.

“Don’t try calling me. We’re done.”

With this you slammed the front door shut both on Jin and your 2-year long relationship, leaving a very sad and panicky Jin on the other side.

---

Min Yoongi

You were walking home from work today to enjoy the nice weather. Lately you had thrown yourself into work to escape the memories and the heartbreak of your last relationship. You were hardly yourself anymore, the chirpy and happy girl was replaced with a tough looking and poker-faced woman. You never went out with your friends; you only listened to English music and avoided any Korean entertainment news at all costs.

Your breakup with Yoongi had left quite an impact on you. This is why you were taken aback to see him at your doorstep. To say you were ready to meet him again would be a lie. The flashback of him kissing another girls’ lips as his hands roamed all over body made you want to throw up.

Yoongi got up when he saw you, “How have you been y/n. I missed you so much.” “Why are you here?” you questioned him with absolutely no emotion in your voice. “I had a dream about us. We were happy. I want you back.” He said walking towards you. “And I still have dreams of you kissing her.” “Please leave Yoongi, I don’t want anything to do with you.” You sighed walking away from him and into your apartment.

“I wrote a song about you y/n. I write all my songs about you.” Yoongi cried out before you could shut the door.

“Well it’s a good thing I don’t listen to them anymore.” With that you walked inside, leaving a dejected and crying Yoongi behind.

---

Jung Hoseok

You saw it on the news. You saw it on twitter. You saw it in the papers. Hoseok at a club kissing some random girls’ lips. His hand on the small of her back. Both of them swaying to a slow song. The video had made waves in the Korean media and BigHit had no option but to release a statement saying Hoseok and that girl were dating.

This left you devastated. The fact that Hoseok was kissing someone else while on tour was hard enough but now the whole world knew that the girl was his girlfriend was harder.

Hoseok kept calling you from London. And you kept avoiding his calls. He left you voicenotes and you deleted them. You didn’t want to hear any excuses. You loved him but you would never put yourself through the pain of dating someone who cheated on you.

After a week since the news broke you saw Hoseok. He came to your place with peonies in his hands. As if flowers could magically heal what he broke. He looked sad, tired eyes and sunken cheeks. You didn’t look any better. To say that you hadn’t been crying since a week would be a lie.

“I’m sorry y/n. I’m really sorry. Please just hear me out.” “I’m sorry too Hoseok, but I can’t.” “Please leave. It’s over.”

You couldn’t hear the excuses. You feared you would run back into Hobi’s arms. So you shut the door, leaving Hobi holding a bouquet in one hand and wiping his tears with the other.

---

Kim Namjoon

Lately you and Namjoon have been drifting apart. The work keeps him busy and he doesn’t come home many nights. He says he is sleeping at the dorms, but you suspect that he is in his studio working his ass off for Bangtan. So, you decide to surprise him on the day he texted you saying he’ll have dinner at home. You wore his favorite lingerie, a deep red lace set. You dolled up, carefully doing your makeup and curling your hair. You lit some candles in the room. Then you waited for Joon to come home. He had been stressed lately and you were planning to take all the stress away. Also, you missed him and his touch. When you heard the lock being rattled you excitedly sat on the bed, ready to present a show. However, when Namjoon came in the room instead of excitement and happiness his eyes spoke something else. He wouldn’t even look at you properly. You were confused. So, you walked up to him and stroked his cheek. “What’s wrong Joon, did something happen?” “I think we need to talk y/n” You understood something is wrong. You quickly pulled on your robe and you and Namjoon sat side by side as he recounted that while he was out last week with the boys he made a mistake. As soon as he said this you got up from beside him. He went to take your hand in his but you pushed it away. Folding your hands at your chest you looked at him, “How dare you come see me after that.” “It didn’t mean anything y/n I was just blowing off steam.” “I don’t know how this happened I was just really drunk and stressed and she was there, it just sort of happened.” He was crying. More so because you were completely calm. Expressionless even. “I think you should leave Namjoon.” You said his full name. Not Joonie and not Joon. He knew he had lost you so without putting up a fight he left. As soon as he left you slid down on the floor, crying.

---

Park Jimin

Jimin was taken aback to see you in Paris. He was here for his vacation and saw you walking the cobbled streets with your bag in one hand and your camera in another. He hadn’t seen you for almost a year now. It seemed like he had forgotten how beautiful you looked because as he was looking at you now with the sun shining in your face, you looked ethereal. Your hair was shorter now, but the style really suited you. What he noticed instantly though was how happy you looked.

He was taken back to the night when you were crying your eyes out because you saw him with another girl at the studio. He never forgave himself for cheating on you. You never forgave him too. Even when he apologized a million time, even when he cried a million times and even when he promised you that you were the only one he loved. It was true. He really did love you. Even now after a year. He hadn’t dated anyone since then. So seeing you here in Paris he thought he should talk to you.

Until he saw a man coming out of the ice cream store with 2 ice creams in his hand. Mint Chocochip, your favorite. You took the ice cream and gave the man a small peck.

Jimin could do nothing but stare at the two of you walk away hand in hand. The distance he thought, definitely did you well and he was by no means going to hurt you again by coming into your life.

---

Kim Taehyung

It was 2 am and Taehyung was still not home. It was a regular occurrence nowadays and you didn’t know what to do. Lately it felt like you were drifting apart more and more and only you were concerned about this. Yet, you still waited for him to come before sleeping every night.

He entered the house around 2:30 and thinking you were asleep went to the kitchen. He was on the phone with someone, speaking in hushed tones. “Yeah baby, I just reached home. No don’t worry, she doesn’t suspect a thing.”

He didn’t realize that you were standing at the doorway listening to his conversation. He turned around from the fridge and you took in his appearance. There were red lipstick marks on the collar of his white t-shirt, his hair was disheveled and as he walked past you barely acknowledging you and into your shared bedroom you could smell a woman’s perfume.

It was as if he wanted you to suspect things. He didn’t even care. You were angry and heartbroken. You couldn’t believe you ignored the signs. You also couldn’t believe Taehyung didn’t even mind that you knew, he looked almost glad that you understood.

So that night you didn’t sleep in your bed. You actually didn’t sleep at all. As soon as it was morning, you wiped your tears, packed your stuff and left a note behind for Taehyung who was still asleep.

“I know. I think I’ve known for a while. What hurt the most was that if you wanted out of this relationship you could’ve spoked to me but instead you did the one thing, I feared the most. But don’t worry, I’ll be okay. Just don’t try to contact me ever again. – Y/n”

---

Jeon Jungkook

You and Jungkook had been dating for a while now, almost 8 months. When Jungkook asked you out, you couldn’t believe it. He was a superstar and you were just an ordinary makeup artist. From the minute you met him you fell head over heels in love with him. And who wouldn’t, he was an angel both inside and out. It wasn’t his looks that you fell for but how sweet and nice he was to you. Jungkook also fell for you. He said you were the normal in his life that he craved. That you were the thing that kept him sane from the glamour of the idol life. But you were scared to be in a relationship with him. You knew he was way out of your league, it wasn’t that you disdn’t like how you looked but you knew you could never compare to the other stars he was always around. And you voiced your concerns to him.

He would however always shut down such doubts. He made sure he told you how much he loved you and how he would never leave you.

So, the pictures you saw on his phone clearly came as a surprise. You and him were at a café and he had gone to the washroom. His phone was lit up and there was a picture that came up. He and another idol girl were kissing in the picture. She had texted it to him saying how she missed him.

You were taken aback. The one thing you were insecure about in the relationship is the thing that Jungkook exploited the most.

You decided to cut off all contact with him after you saw those pictures. He came back to sit on the table with a wide smile but as soon as he saw your face, he knew something was wrong.

You told him he got a text while he was gone and picked up your things. His eyes widened with panic.

“Y/n wait..” but before he could say anything else you walked out of the café and his life.

---

-Pratz

Please let me know what you thought of this :)

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neighborhood-merc · 4 years

Text

Guys !!! I am back! First of all, I hope all of y’all (your friends, family, pets! too) are doing alright. Keep safe! Wash your hands! Don’t go out if not necessary! Kisses! Kisses! Kisses! Alright, alright, let’s do this shall we? Same shit applies. [Here is Part 1 & 2 btw ]

The themes of the stories on this list varies, I’m either into something heart-warming, fluffy, domestic that sort of stuff or into some really really heavy and dark messed up ones. (READ THE TAGS) It always depends on the mood am I right? *wink wink*

It’s always gonna be smutty though lol

As long as it’s tastefully written, whatever kinky shit, I can be into it, I don’t judge the writer (they give us free content y’all, who are we to judge??) With that being said if I add something straight up messed up here now/or in the future, don’t come for meh, just mind the tags of the fic, for your own discretion if anything.

this list should be Wade Wilson/Peter Parker - Spiderman/Deadpool pairing only. I kinda like my babies greedy/possessive for/of each other.

READ THE TAGS.

I don’t care who tops or bottoms. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Summaries are taken directly from the fanfic’s summary.

Read the tags first!

Deluge (this is such a good boi, this fic is a good boy!) Weapon X chose Wade Wilson because of several factors in his life. He was a preternatural. He had extraordinary abilities that could be expanded upon. The cancer just made him desperate enough to agree to whatever they wanted to do with him.They didn't just turn him immortal. They destroyed his very soul, tearing him apart and shaping him into something new and never seen before. They took everything he had been and left him with ashes and bones. Soulless.He killed his creators and went on with his life.Then he met Spider-Man.Things started to change.Something inside him, something that had come out of the ashes and was a nightmarish, terrible thing, sat up and took notice. An intense, single-minded notice.

The Perks of Working Third Shift An AU in which Wade is wandering the globe and ends up in NYC where he meets the absolute most perfect man he's ever seen who's working third shift at a quick mart. Even better, the man seems happy to flirt back. Wade makes it his mission to score a date.Peter stopped dating a long time ago, but Wade's flirtations, energetic attitude, and hilarious comments make it hard for Peter not to enjoy the attention. But will all of that be ruined if Wade finds out his secret?

Better Like This (Listen, NotEvenCloseToStraight’s Spideypool works are amazing, read all of em, honestly just check out ALL the works of the writers on my list because if I list everything, this is gonna be a long ass list) No one knows Spider-Man is an Omega. Not the newspapers, not the NYPD, and certainly not the overly loud, definitely obnoxious, sort-of-a-good-guy, completely Alpha, Deadpool. And Peter would like it to stay that way. But when he drops into an unexpected heat, Deadpool is the only person he can call to help, and how quickly the Alpha switches from shouting dirty innuendos to whispering comforting things really throws Peter for a loop. After sharing a heat, Peter is convinced that Wade is his Alpha, and is ready to take him as his mate, but Wade rejects him. Wade knows that a man like him wouldn’t make anyone a good mate, much less a perfect, pretty Omega like Peter. So he says no, pushes the Omega away and unable to even work together anymore, they go their separate ways. Peter is devastated, heartbroken, seeking comfort in the arms of another Alpha, and all Wade can do is watch from a distance, and keep telling himself that he is doing the right thing, sparing Peter a life of disappointment and pain. Peter deserves better than him as a Mate, and one day Peter will understand. It’s Better This Way. But is it really?(Peter is Andrew Garfield)

Use Me Peter wants to help Wade. Wants to make him feel beautiful, wants to make him feel wanted... Wants to put out the fire in his own gut whenever he sees the merc for what he really is. He does.

Double Mint Gum Wade decides that only one of his fine-ass self just isn't enough

Spider Spidey (SPIDERY SPIDEY!)

Bleed the Water Red Peter and Deadpool are held captive by a super-villain that has an inclination for torture. After she boasts her untarnished record at never having hurt a child or teenager, Peter is forced to break the truth to both her and Deadpool.“Did you know I have a perfect record?” The villain collects a rusted pocket knife, tracing it up Peter’s arm, over his shoulders, down to his collarbone, as though considering where to cut. Peter focuses on controlling his breathing, fear twisting awfully in his belly. “You may look down on me, Mr. Spider-Man, but for all the righteous suffering I inflict, I’ve never hurt a child. Not once.”“Y'know, I don’t think you do,” Peter blurts. At his words, Deadpool's stare intensifies. “Have a perfect, non-child harming record, that is.”

Don’t Keep Me Waiting Peter's 90% sure Wade likes him. Or at least he was sure. When you almost jerk off in front of the friend you're definitely not pathetically pining for and they never mention it again, it makes you doubt yourself. Peter knows he should probably just ask what the fuck is going on, but where's the angsty fun in that?

Sometimes When We Touch Peter answers a Craigslist ad for someone who is willing to pay for some unspecified physical contact/sex because he's just that broke. He's surprised to find out Wade Wilson is the one who posted the ad, but thinks he can still manage just fine even when the man explains he'd like him to wear a special costume for the occasion. Of course things become a little more complicated when Wade reveals the outfit he's chosen: a shockingly accurate Spider-Man suit

Sunflower 26 and standing at the head of Parker Industries, Peter feels young in every way. He doesn't know himself, he lacks a lot of experience, and he's struggling to get a grip on what he thinks of the merc with the mouth, an absolute force who has starting pushing his desires in a direction that terrifies him.He desperately tries to come to terms with sexuality, even when it means dragging Wade flat on his face.Takes place after the dance scene in Spider-man/Deadpool, with important plot details omitted. Follows these two through extreme character growth.

Two Thirds of a Whole (I honestly felt weird about this one, but eh, maybe someone who’s into it would appreciate it) Peter Parker and Wade Wilson, finding Vanessa dead and having never met, assume the second body is their other soulmate. When they meet in a market ten years later, they both have a chance they never thought they would get again-- a chance at love.But can they find a way to be happy as two thirds of a whole?

Holding Back The thing about not being able to die is that it makes everything so dreadfully boring. Seriously, immortality's a bitch. So, you gotta keep things interesting. How else are you supposed to get through the day without going insane? Well, more insane.Wade wants to be a hero, but fighting bad guys isn't enough to keep things interesting. Wooing Spider-Man might help, though. And exploring his kinks definitely will. Of course, he never thought anything would come of either of these things. Boy, was he wrong!

Missed You (Imagine me covering me shyly covering my face for this ehehe) “Wade,” Peter whines, pulling off Wade’s mask and catching his lips in a deep kiss. All he can smell is leather and sweat and gunpowder, and he’s already embarrassingly hard. Wade comes home from a mission. Peter missed him. A lot.

Big Peter can't stop looking at and thinking about Wade's great big arms and shoulders and hands and back. He's fine. (He's not fine.)

Slip of the Tongue Sometimes Peter can forget how big Wade is, how much presence he has. Right now is not the time. His heart rabbits in his chest as he swallows, looking up. There’s always something there when Wade’s looking at him, something predatory, that makes Peter nervous and wanting, shivering hot all over.

Wade The Cat “Aw don’t be afraid little buddy, it’s okay, he’s gone”Wade almost cringes at how someone is talking to him, what the hell?! He’s not a defenseless animal. Wait. No, yeah, he is.Wade looks a little alarmed, stepping back as the man crouches next to him, smiling sympathetically “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you. You okay?”Wade holds his breath, gives an once over at the guy, beautiful chestnut eyes, the adorable smile, the red face probably resulting from the cold and the brown humid hair stuck to his forehead as he holds his umbrella for both of them and yep, ladies and gentlemen if he wasn’t before, Wade is right now a defenseless animal because “Meow” Wade says wiggling what should be eyebrows “Honey, I’d let you take care of me all night long” Wade purrs.

Gonzo Journalist (It belongs to a series “We fell in love in October) A young photographer working for The Daily Bugle hears about the tragic fate of an ex-soldier and decides to write an article about his cause to help him out. Maybe more than in one way.

The Man in the Mask When Wade is unceremoniously dropped off into the custody of one Dr. Parker, he assumes the man has only the worst possible intentions for one of the world's last remaining mutants. But it turns out, the universe still holds plenty of surprises for them both.

You Wear My Name Over Your Heart Like It’s Invisible "Why don’t you ever let me see it? If you have the name already, why can’t you tell me whose it is? I thought we were best friends."Everyone gets their Name when they turn twenty-one. It isn’t their own name either. It’s the name of their Soulmate. When Wade Wilson wakes on his twenty-first birthday, he looks down at his chest and sees Peter Benjamin Parker. He stares for a moment then shrugs, gets dressed, and doesn’t think about it for another six weeks.

Parachute, Please Peter unexpectedly goes into heat after an Avengers mission, which could have been fine, but the ride back is 2 hours and he's stuck on a plane with his closest friends and family.At least there's one person he can call at times like these for relief. And in comes Wade.

Peter Parker’s Home for the Wayward Villain A really long redemption story.

And Words Are Futile Devices Peter doesn’t think he’s lonely. He’s too busy to be lonely. He’s twenty-two, working on his PhD and holding down a shitty job at the Daily Bugle, not to mention his nightly extra-curricular activities. He’s too busy for friends, and he’s certainly too busy for romantic interests. And yet, shockingly, apparently everyone in his life thinks he needs to stop being an anti-social recluse and get laid.So Peter enters the wide, wonderful world of online dating. He doesn’t expect to find his soul mate, or even a friend, and he’s definitely not looking for hook ups. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for, really, until one Wade W. Wilson catches his eye and captures his heart with risqué dog pics and a concerning obsession with cannibalistic serial killers.This is a love story. A sweet, inevitable journey towards each other. There is humor, and melancholy, and a touch of both gravitas and levity to the weeks that trickle by. But really it’s just an account of the slow, magnetic movement of Peter towards Wade, and Wade towards Peter.

Strays Wade finds Spider-Man unconscious on a roof top. Score!Or: Spider-Man has lost his memories, some of his vocabulary, and all of his social conditioning. Wade is losing his mind.

The Inverse Deadpool doesn't have to try very hard to hide his second gender anymore because ever since Weapon X, no one in their right mind would ever believe that Wade Wilson was an omega. It doesn't matter anyway, because Wade knows no Alpha would keep a male omega. No alpha WANTS one, much less one that's as scarred and unstable as he is. Apparently, Spiderman was born to break every rule Wade has ever known.

The Body Remembers When the Mind Forgets When people need a mate in their life, it isn't usually because they've forgotten they already have one.

Half Your Age (Plus Seven) In which Deadpool has oddly specific and frustrating morals, Spider-Man has excellent friends, his lab partner has an opening for a bassist, Johnny Storm has the warmest feet, and everyone has had enough of hearing Peter talk about Wade Wilson (except Aunt May: she’s always glad to hear he’s back in town).

#fanfic #fanfiction rec #fanfic req #fanfiction #spideypool fanfic rec #spideypool #Peter Parker/Wade Wilson #spiderman/deadpool #Peter Benjamin Parker #peter parker #spiderman #spider-man #spider man #wade wilson #deadpool #fic rec list #fanficrec

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gin-and-luce · 4 years

Text

You killed our dog! Adriana of The Sopranos gave me strength to navigate life after a breakup during a global pandemic lockdown

I’m going through a breakup. It’s come at the worst time but also the best time. He ended things with me (more on that later) after three years in the most Beta-Male way...but this is what happens when your type can be boiled down to softboi. I can’t see my friends in the conventional way, so I made some new ones on screen to help me navigate the end during quarantine.

Over ten weeks ago I started watching The Sopranos. It doesn’t need justifying, everyone knows it’s the best television series of all time, but I’d never seen it, and I knew a global pandemic induced lockdown would provide optimum viewing circumstances. My favourite thing to do is completely throw myself into the female narrative and experience I’m watching on screen. I prefer a long deep drama over a film. I like being able to see my girls every night.

People have said to me before “you should start a blog”, but I could never escape the feeling that doing so is massively narcissistic because it *is*, unless you have something actually relevant to write about. Alternatively, the image of Gretchen Weiners leaning in and going “you let it out honey, put it in the book” floats across my conscience, and everything embarrassing that I’ve ever done, plays in a montage in my mind.

Who gives a fuck what I have to say about anything…….. especially about a cultural phenomena that is quite literally regarded as the best TV show of all time?

I’d been wanting to write this after I watched Long Term Parking. I lay in the dark for 45 minutes after the episode ended. I’d never felt like that watching a television show or film before. My throat had seized up but I didn’t cry, even though I felt like it. I knew it was coming from the moment Adriana met the agent. I wasn’t surprised, but I was heartbroken and absolutely fuming. I still am.

I’m not angry with Christopher, Tony, or Silvio, but just the general unbalance I’ve felt when I’m in a relationship. The loss of self, relationships being a series of compromises. From what I have found from my own experiences and my girlfriends’, women are just much more willing to compromise, but don’t consider it to be a compromise. Men can only take into consideration their own reality, an evolutionary selfishness that just doesn’t translate.

Just as lockdown began I texted my boyfriend to say I loved him and I missed him. He responded with “Can’t say I feel the same”. Nearly 3 years were over just like that. We had the obligatory phone call, where I was hysterical and he was smarmy and smug. Yet when it was over, I felt nothing. It’s allllll a big nothing.

My personal Gospel is Sex and The City (shout out to HBO!). This was my Berger moment. He essentially scribbled “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me” on a post-it. The irony of the whole thing is that when we watched it together, he himself said he was most like Berger. Thinking about it makes me wince.

My life opened up in front of me, I was exposed to his weakness regarding the situation in full when his sister-in-law messaged me on Instagram a few days ago. He hadn’t told his family, nor had he told his flatmates (another shout out to my sleuths at the back, you know who you are!).

The Sopranos is a show about life. The Mafia structure provides a vehicle for us to question morality and mortality. You take what you get from it. When I watch it again at a different stage of my life, I will get something else out of it.

For me now, while I stew in my own emotion during quarantine, Adriana represents emotional labour and the expectation for women to behave in a certain way in relationships.

At first when my ex’s family members were messaging me, I was confused. It is frankly humiliating to smile as if everything is normal, so as to protect someone that in the end would not do the same for me. I know he wouldn’t do the same because there was just no courtesy in what happened weeks ago. I am trying to move on but things like this stunt your personal growth.

The struggle with emotional labour hones a guilt that someday I’ll regret giving my early 20s to something that didn’t work out. I felt like I was on borrowed time.

These are obviously my own insecurities spurred on by the fact that I’ve read enough “10 things I wish I knew in my 20s” blogs to know that these are my selfish years. Still, it is ultimately devastating to see the last 3 years of your life conclude via a text that displays a failure to realise that there is no real clean cut for a long-term relationship.

I respect him for the blunt statement because it means I get to reference the Berger SATC breakup and say “casually cruel in the name of being honest” (Taylor Swift, 2012) a LOT, which softens the pity in the social scenarios that I invent in my head in the shower.

When Tony calls Adriana to tell her Christopher has tried to kill himself, that was like my final phone call too. This is the end. Her youthfulness was why I related to her most in the show, but at the same time having nothing to lose made her easily expendable. Youth makes you put 100% into something knowing it is a gamble.

I’m not comparing my ‘borrowed time’ to Adriana because she ends up dead, but there was a disregard for her life that was so harrowing because she did nothing but try and do the right thing. I watched Adriana put Christopher first willingly for 5 series. He supported her music management dreams but ultimately ended up making it all about him. He gave her the Crazy Horse but this ultimately was just another mob hangout. He sat on her dog, he continued to use heroin, shag other people, and so on.

“You could start writing again,” she tells him in her last episode, to which he responds “I could do my memoirs, finally,”. Here is Adriana still!! STILL!! catering to Christopher’s ego to give herself some confidence. Very me.

All the way through she was just too good for him. Her ties to the Famiglia aren’t as tight as Carmela and Co. No children, still young, there’s chance for Adriana to get out if she wanted to. Of course this makes her prime FBl bait, but shows she sticks by Christopher through everything purely out of love. In the end she dies on her knees, subservient, with Heart’s Barracuda the last song she hears. I know Adriana had to go. That’s the way it is in the Famiglia because Christopher took an oath. But in a way she also had the carpet ripped from underneath her, just like me.

There are lots of men writing on the internet about how Adriana is greedy and hypocritical. I just don’t understand where this reading is coming from other than obvious misogyny. I’ve read others that say if she was really that strong she would have simply left the relationship years ago. I believe that she believed things would improve for both of them, and that most people are just slut shaming her for her past.

Still, Drea DeMatteo won a Best Supporting Actress Emmy for the episode. Fuckin’ A.

I rooted for the woman. Before I was made redundant while working from home, I would spend half my life at my desk willing it to be 5:30pm, so I could slither back to the settee and spend the other half of my life in New Jersey. I’d phone my mum to discuss the episodes. She loves the show too, it’s always been a favourite in my household. We’d talk about the women like they were our friends and how we relate to them. The Sopranos is like a big mirror urging you to question everything. The answer to life is simply what are ya gonna do?

Men love making things black and white so it is easier for them, when really women are in the background sorting out the shades of grey.

Don’t get me wrong, Adriana’s significance is massive, albeit more so because of her death. You watch Christopher and Tony’s relationship start to crumble afterwards. It's shattering to see the disregard for Christopher’s sobriety and how despite his loyalty, he still sees him as a liability and weak.

On the other hand, for Adriana’s sake, I am still enraged that he couldn’t see the bigger picture at the time. She is collateral damage in his path to finding his precious arc - “Wives, girlfriends, they can complicate life in a major way” Tony expresses to Jennifer as he runs from his own guilt.

Christopher is desperate for Tony’s approval but is more than happy to use his blood connection as a protective leeway whenever he steps out of line. Again the irony is that he comes to tell Tony about Adriana first, just as the old Famiglia values say he should, but there is no real personal reward for doing so despite the personal sacrifice.

I think Christopher regretted it in the end, and rightly so. When he is faced with his potential alternate life at the gas station, we assume that this was what made him go to Tony. It’s a family with loads of kids. Adriana probably can’t even have kids??? What kind of male logic?! #justiceforadriana

I can’t help but feel for him when JT screams “Chris, you’re in the MAFIA!”. It’s the same kind of reality check that Chief Cubitoso gives Adriana, it’s an ultimatum and it’s the realisation that they are trapped in this life. Just ask Gene.

Carmela knew. I read her dreams as a testament to a woman’s intuition. She knows her friend isn’t what everyone is describing, she knows Adriana wouldn’t just disappear. She is all too aware of the emotional labour Mob women carry. When she sees Adriana with Cosette on the banks of the Seine, it is as sad as it is when we dream about people who have died.

There is a scene in an early episode where Carmela says “Don’t we all?” in response to Meadow squealing “She’s MARRYING a BABY?” at a painting of The Marriage of Saint Catherine. I thought about this again when Christopher dies. Carmela passes her instinct off as hysteria, she isn’t to know. “So quick to blame, what is the attraction in that?” she cries during the aftermath of the car crash. There is a critique in her own femininity here that just makes you want to shout “NO CARM!!!!!!!”. As she believes she mothers Tony, there is the double-edged sword whereby he protects her through keeping her in the dark. “Heaven only ever sees my love making a fool of me” sings Emmylou Harris at the start of season 5. Carm’s power is taken away but she doesn’t even know.

Carmela dedicates her life to being a mother but it’s not enough to save Meadow from her surname. We get some sense that AJ ‘Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit’ Soprano might be on a new path when he feels like the burning of his car among the autumn leaves of death was cathartic. As a man, he just has more freedom anyway.

Miss Meadow gained her independence by getting her driving license, but in the end we see that she is still held back in the final scene by her inability to parallel park. She slots right in, eventually. As she does, she slots into the Soprano cycle after years of doing the most to get out and pave her own way. After every breakup with someone without links to the Famiglia, no scrubs, she returns and dates someone closer to home. Her career path is left tenuous to us, it would be all too easy for her to become a kept woman, which feels like it is the only real option should she settle down into the lifestyle with Patrick Parisi. It isn’t what she envisioned for herself, so part of me wants to hope that her story ends up a little bit more like Elle Woods. Legally Italian.

I probably wouldn’t even have remembered her saying anything about parallel parking if I wasn’t terrible at parallel parking myself. It’s the pepperings of these subtle callbacks that make the show so beautiful. As the guitar solo plays on during the frustration, you’re invited to reminisce over Meadow’s journey. I fully wept watching her struggle to get the damn car parked because I’m trying to get my car parked too. Don’t stop believing, Meadow.

I admire all the women in The Sopranos. The show is feminist, and that is a hill I am prepared to die on. It’s definitely up for debate as it is obviously littered with gratuitous nudity and women are commoditised. We have to allow this for cultural context for the show, but real life is basically exactly the same too?

I read a post on Reddit where a dude is asking whether he should watch the show with his girlfriend. He types ‘“It’s a masterpiece of film but she probably wouldn’t get into it as I am”, and you don’t have to look much further to find more comments about how women and their puny minds just won’t get it. It’s an odd perspective to take given that Tony’s psychiatrist is a woman, but of course women could never grasp something so complex. It’s bullshit if you ask me, the female narrative prevails throughout all scenarios.

The Pine Barrens seems to be everyone’s favourite episode. It’s not my favourite but there are two major elements that resonated with me. The first is Meadow looking down at the three letter words Jackie Aprile Jr had placed on the Scrabble board, and the second is when Gloria says to Tony:

“What you said was that you didn’t wanna piss me off..which implies that you’d have to deal with me, which is more about sparing YOU than my fucking feelings”. Don’t need to elaborate on that. Rest in power, Gloria. Legend.

Of course I could write pages and pages of hot feminist takes on all of the women - Jennifer, Janice, Livia, Angie, Svetlana, Charmaine. Lord knows I could probably write a book on Tracee.“ 20 years old, this girl”, I bashed Living on a Thin Line by The Kinks for about a week after that episode. It is the male gaze of the show made me love the women more. Carmela is my mother and I’ll probably name my first born Meadow.

Carmela is the powerhouse and backbone of The Soprano household even though Tony provides. She represents stability, emotional labour, and putting on a brave face regardless. In some ways, it is as if Carmela represents the human emotion side and the fragility of organised crime. She is secure, but not enough, and her lack of ability to stand on her own two feet plagues her conscience through time. She is totally complicit, but must be to ensure her future with Tony as he pays anything to roll the dice just one more time. At the end of Long Term Parking, she and Tony stand looking at where she will build her spec-house. The forest looks the same as where we lost Ade, it’s a grim reflection that Carmela wouldn’t have this life if it wasn’t for the quick disposal of those like Adriana.

Yeah okay, what the hell is a show with a feminist underpinning trying to say about wider society about a woman who exercises her beauty, loyalty and ambition?? Is it that she is not to be trusted?? Adriana’s a rat, but before this she is already deemed “damaged goods” anyway. She dresses provocatively, but that’s because she just looks MINT always. You would dress like THAT if you looked like THAT. When you Google her, ‘Adriana Sopranos Tennis’ comes up. I roll my eyes. Fucking men, eh? To take it down to a basic Sixth-Form-Poet reading, Adriana is Curley’s Wife and Daisy Buchanan all in one. She loves a red manicure too, and it might have worked out better for her if she had played the complicit beautiful little fool.

This isn’t ‘Why The Sopranos is good!’, but a love letter to Adriana and her strength, because there is basically little or no content written on the women of the show when I have Googled. I needed there to be more things written about her that isn’t just “bitch had it coming” when in fact she is a martyr.

When Adriana was on screen, there was my mate. I knew her, she wanted what I wanted, but she sacrificed so much of herself for others and it was heartbreaking to watch. She barely gets a look-in in early episodes, but when she does she is usually wearing something animal print, which automatically made her the number one character on my radar. I am choosing to believe the theory that she is the cat in the final episode too.

Still, I have been struggling and questioning why an episode that aired 16 years ago, with no plot that links to my own circumstances, has had such a monumental impact on me.

I saw a tweet that said “have we ever sat down and thought about why relationships only work if the guy is more invested than the girl or is that just something we accept” (@anugov1). Adriana invested more in Christopher, even in the end, than she ever did herself.

As I navigate this transitional period in my life, I am Adriana driving in the vision we see when we think she is going to start her new chapter. We can’t leave the flat, I have no job. The Sopranos has provided the most cathartic escapism for me. As I enter into whatever new world follows this nightmare, I wanted my mate Adriana to find her new world too, turning the classic rock up to 11.

#the sopranos #adriana la cerva #christopher moltisanti #carmela soprano #feminism #cosette #breakup #woe is me #hbo #david chase #drea de matteo

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