Grief is the only proof that I love and I love well. Love and grief are actually intertwined with each other and as "Akif Kichloo" once wrote, "the opposite of grief is not laughter or happiness or joy. It is love. It is love. It is love."
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"You can heal your heart" by Louise Hay
I am honestly surprised that this book has so many good reviews. Totally useless book for the predisposed purpose! In theory it is supposed to be a book that helps you "thanks to never-before-seen advices!" to overcome and especially accept a loss in the vast sense of the term (be it a death or a separation or the end of a friendship). Already from page one, however, I realized that the book takes a completely different path. In fact, the only advice it gives is to see these losses as something positive.
The most tragicomic part is the chapter devoted to the end of a relationship: "wouldn't it be nice if we could end a relationship by simply giving each other a handshake and thanking the other for being with us so far and wishing him all the best for his future?" In short … nice for sure for those who go, but for those who stay in my opinion it's like a punch in the face: "Thanks, it's been nice! See you around!"
The book also contains affirmations (some nice, some a bit so-so). Per se the chapters are interesting, but they are poorly developed because they contain whole paragraphs with stories of people I don't know and don't care to know anything about, and there is a complete lack of commentary by the book's authors.
Essentially, the message of the book is to think more positively and that will help you heal. True, but that is not new advice, nor was it even presented in an applicable way for the reader’s life.
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to say i miss you doesn't even begin to capture the despair your absence has brought me.
— mae s. (journal entry to the one i still love)
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Anne Carson, from Grief lessons: Four plays by Euripides.
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Harrow the Ninth is really a book about what happens when you are the Best At Something your whole life and you sweat and bleed and sacrifice everything to earn your way to the place/position you've always dreamed of, but then when you do succeed it isn't as you expected. Not only does everyone you once admired turn out to be an awful person, but your abilities are no longer special. Your talent isn't enough. Your effort isn't enough. Your new peers have worked just as hard as you have and know just as much as you do, but more than that: they seem suddenly better, faster, more capable, all while you flounder in the shallow end of the pool as the abilities you spent your whole life honing abandon you in your time of need. Humiliation becomes your constant companion as you sweat and bleed and try anyway, but what once netted you endless success and acolades is now barely enough to survive.
And then, of course, there is The Skull
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“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson
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"Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life."
– Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking
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my grandma used to recite the saying "is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?" and every time my answer would be that i would have rather not loved at all.
she would smile then, and say "then you did not love". i didn't understand what she meant. of course i had loved. i had a broken heart, didn't i? i had the scar to prove it, the inability to eat. i had loved and wished i hadn't. i loved, i thought.
and then i met you, and i fell in love and then i lost you and now i understand because i would feel this pain over and over again just to love you for five extra minutes. i would fix my heart and hand it back to you without hesitation. "look! it's all better now! you can try again" i would tell you, i would cry it out hysterically while waving my taped heart in the air. i would love you a million times knowing i would lose you and i would not care as long as i got to do it. i have loved. i have loved so completely.
mae // what a bittersweet thing to understand.
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