#24/7 your brain is making you remember things you wish you could forget and it aint fun
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Hi frecklydork!! I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you- I just got out of a convo w/ a therapist where I realized I was in a really bad relationship and she mentioned I was displaying PTSD like symptoms. I just wanted you to know that theres someone out there who's super super super DUPER proud of you and all the work you've put into managing your PTSD- Feeling constant overwhelming anxiety helped me understand a little of what you must be going through, I can't imagine how stressful your day to day life is and I'm feeling overwhelmed rn! I hope you can take some comfort in this
Goodnight! Or Good day, or good morning whenever you get this!
Hi sweetheart. I'm so sorry to hear that you have gone through a relationship so devastating that it left this much of an impact on you. My heart goes out to you, it's not fun, to say the least, it is a really horrible time and it's especially difficult (in my opinion) when it's repetitive actions from someone you trusted... it's like an extra layer of betrayal on top of everything else. I'm so sorry. I know how badly that hurts.
My response is kind of long so I'm gonna put it under a readmore for ya:
I am so touched that you thought of me, and even more touched that you took the time out of your day to tell me that you thought of me. I hope you don't mind it took me a few days to finally crack open my inbox. I reread this a few times because it really warmed my heart. Thank you for being proud of me. I'm so proud of you, too. I'm so happy you've (I'm assuming, hoping, praying) gotten out of the relationship, or in the very least I'm reassured that you've realized how unhealthy the relationship was for you and you can take the steps to overcome and heal from it now. It's SO HARD getting out of relationships, but nobody else can do it for you, it's always you who has to take those steps, and I'm so proud of you for pushing yourself to take those steps!!!! I know it isn't easy!!!!! I think one of the loneliest feelings in the world is knowing that you're in an unhealthy friendship/relationship with someone and you can literally feel this person draining your energy and making you feel hopeless and worthless and numb. I have never felt more empty than when I was trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship/friendship. It's awful. Getting out of that kind of situation is so difficult, so I am so damn proud of you for recognizing that you deserve better!!! Because you do!!! You deserve the whole world and I'm sorry somebody didn't give you the respect you deserved. It's not your fault. Nothing you went through is your fault at all, and I'll say that as many times as you want to hear it.
I completely hear you on the stress side of things -- thank you for empathizing with me. My God, isn't it the fucking worst? The constant stress?? I PROMISE YOU IT GETS BETTER, I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!! I am finally at a point where my anxiety is not killing me 24/7. It took a hot fuckin minute to get here, but I am at a point now where my anxiety will only eat at me for a chunk of my day instead of my whole day. Getting into the Barbie movie literally saved my life. But, like... it's literally a stress disorder, an anxiety disorder. That feeling of it literally EATING at you every single second that you're awake, and even giving you nightmares when you're asleep -- jesus!!! it's so much!!! it's!!! A LOT and it's intense and it's like you never get any peace. BUT I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER!!!!! 😭😭💙💙💙 IT GETS BETTER ANON I SWEAR TO YOU. I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!
One day you will wake up and the person who traumatized you, the events that traumatized you, will NOT be the very first thing popping into your head. One day you'll be able to sit down and eat a sandwich and think to yourself "oh I just went 20 whole seconds without thinking about it". One day you'll be tying your shoe and thinking "oh I think i just went five whole minutes without thinking about it!" slowly, gradually, you will have healed so much, you will look back and think "oh. I'm... so much better than I was."
I actually had this revelation a few weeks ago, I sat down making comics, and then I thought to myself... "...oh... I don't think I thought about my abuser... at all... when a trigger was right in front of my face... for a solid two minutes." I saw a gifset where Margot Robbie was wearing an article of clothing that normally triggers me into a panic attack, but I just kept looking at Margot and thinking "hehehe that's my Barbie!!! <3" and then i realized the trigger was right in front of my face but I was so focused on being gay asf I didn't even realize the trigger was there. And then when I noticed it, my body was like "oh. time to panic" but I managed to push away those feelings and say "nope. nope. that's Barbie. and Barbie is safe. and everything is ok!!!" And two minutes of handling a certain trigger may not seem like a long time, at first... but when you're constantly overwhelmed every single second of every single day... two minutes looks like a blessing. and one day you won't even have to count the minutes anymore. you'll just exist and the misery will only be momentary.
But aside from triggers, now, just in general, I am at a point where I can go hours without remembering my abuser or the events that gave me literally DOZENS of triggers in the first place. Flashbacks are rare, when they used to be constant. I'm not as jittery as I used to be, I'm not as... uh, feeling like I'm going out of my mind, I don't know how else to phrase it, but the anxiety that ptsd gives you literally makes you feel like you're losing your sense of self, and I promise you that feeling goes away with time. I promise you it gets better. I didn't have a support system during my time of need, so my healing process is taking much longer than it would have, so I am hopeful that your healing process is actually going much speedier than mine, even if our circumstances may not be exactly the same ofc but just hearing that you have a therapist helping you out with this is absolutely wonderful. Therapy is so important, paired with self care.
I'm so proud of you anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this and ahhh sorry I'm scatterbrained, it's been a long day and my brain cells are on fire, but!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and I LOVE YOU and IT'S GONNA BE OKAY!!!! IT'S GONNA GET BETTER!!!!!! That feeling of constant anxiety 24/7 is an absolute bitch, but it gets better!!! It gets better!!!! I'll say it a million times, it gets better!!!! And I'm here for you the whole way okay? Please feel free to message me anytime. Ilusm I'm sending you so many hugs and I will be keeping you in my thoughts. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
#thank you for taking the time to empathize with me holy shit#i feel like a lot of ppl dont rly. understand ptsd. unless if they have it. which is normal ofc#or just trauma in general. which is fine! u cant fully understand smth til u go thru it#so when you mentioned the CONSTANT anxiety i was just nodding my head while reading#24/7 your brain is making you remember things you wish you could forget and it aint fun#tips: journal your thoughts everyday to reduce nightmares#bc it helps your brain process things while its awake#so it wont process AS much when youre asleep. that way you get BETTER sleep#more tips: sleeping is so good for u. drinking water is so good for ur Scared Brain#EXERCISING!!!! going for walks in the sunlight helps you with vitamin D + tiring u out faster#so u can sleep easier. bc again. oh my god the sleep is so important.#and sleep is the thing i struggle with the most i only get 3 or 4 hours every night#being social helps so much. im going out with friends at LEAST once a week#and scheduling hangouts with online friends once a week as well. or voice calling#i know it hurts so fucking bad right now but i promise it gets better#i am holding your hand the entire time ok you're not alone. im here for you.#anonymous#asks#ptsd#keepsake
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Dinosaur (2000) Sentence Meme
Under the cut you will find 110 sentences from Dinosaur to use for your enjoyment!
1. “Some things start out big, and some things start out small. Very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all.”
2. “Oh, I always have to go when stuff’s happening.”
3. “It’s a cold-blooded monster from across the sea. Vicious, flesh-eating.”
4. “You keep that thing, one day we’ll turn our backs, it’ll be picking us out of its teeth.”
5. “Things like that eat things like us as snacks.”
6. “You’d better hurry up. It looks hungry.”
7. “It’s okay. We’ll teach him to hate meat.”
8. “Watch his head. I…I mean watch it. He could bite.”
9. “This monster’s got no teeth. What’s he gonna do, gum us to death?”
10. “Look at that sweet little face. Does that look like a monster to you?”
11. “Come on! Pick on somebody your own size!”
12. “It’s a shame you don’t like kids.”
13. “Let’s hope he’s found some new material.”
14. “I’m known as the professor of love and school’s in session!”
15. “I’m a raging epidemic of romance.”
16. “To hear him tell it, he put the prime in primate.”
17. “Listen and learn from the master.”
18. “Don’t jump into the trees after the first boy with a cute backflip.”
19. “It’s more fun if you keep them guessing.”
20. “If I cute backflip doesn’t work, guess.”
21. “You’re never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember.”
22. “If you mess up, don’t worry. They’ll never remember.”
23. “Make ‘em look good, son.”
24. “With my charm and your brains, no problem.”
25. “Look what just pulled into town.”
26. “Hey, haven’t you heard? I am the action!”
27. “The clan still has one bachelor.”
28. “It’s never really been his best event.”
29. “He’s got a tougher hide than mine.”
30. “If only there was someone on this island for you.”
31. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
32. “Walkin’ backwards, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any father.”
33. “Keep those little legs movin’ or you’ll get left behind.”
34. “All this pushing and shoving about, just for a place to sleep. I’m not used to this kind of behavior.”
35. “You wanna get to the nesting grounds alive? Show some backbone.”
36. “He doesn’t normally warm up to strangers.”
37. “This is my family. We’re all that’s left.”
38. “It is the most beautiful place there is, child.”
39. “Will we find anybody that looks like us there?”
40. “The last few days, I’ve seen ‘em all shapes and sizes. Who knows what we’ll find.”
41. “The hard job now is just getting there.”
42. “An older woman like myself, it’s…well…it’s positively indecent.”
43. “Why aren’t you uphill with the young bloods?”
44. “Hm. Let the weak set the pace. Now there’s an idea.”
45. “Better let me do the thinking from now on.”
46. “Don’t worry. That’s how my brother treats newcomers. No matter how charming they are.”
47. “You sure know how to catch a girl’s eyes there, stud.”
48. “I couldn’t be catching nobody’s eye if I was you.”
49. “Since when do we take orders from the likes of him?”
50. “I could hold that monsters brain in the palm of my hand.”
51. “Better to keep our heads down with this bunch than get ‘em bitten off by those things.”
52. “You just consider yourself lucky that’s all that’s following us.”
53. “Hey, wake up. Enough with the beauty sleep. You’re ravishing already.”
54. “I believe you left a wake-up call for the dawn of time.”
55. “The charm never stops around here.”
56. “Unless you got a death wish, you and that little parasite better get moving!”
57. “I made a real impression on her.”
58. “That, children, is what’s known as a jerkosaurus.”
59. “And with that, the ice is broken.”
60. “We’ve got a lot of first-timers here. Make sure they get it.”
61. “If this is your first crossing, listen up. There is no water til we reach the other side.”
62. “On your feet. We can’t let those things eat you.”
63. “I’m just gonna walk right into that lake until the waters up to my eyeballs and soak it all in.”
64. “Maybe the rains collected somewhere else.”
65. “Take a scout and check the entire perimeter.”
66. “Enough! You have to be strong now!”
67. “We’ve never gone this long without water. If we keep going like this, we’ll lose half the herd.”
68. “We save the half that deserves to live.”
69. “I always did like big girls!”
70. “I think they’re scared of me.”
71. “Who wouldn’t be? You are pretty scary.”
72. “A lot of us are on our own now.”
73. “Why did you help that old one?”
74. “Is that you talking or your brother?”
75. “We watch out for each other, we all stand a chance of getting to your nesting grounds.”
76. “You led them right to us!”
77. “You can’t sacrifice them like this!”
78. “If you ever interfere again, I’ll kill you.”
79. “I’ve got blisters on my blisters.”
80. “Hey, uh, you don’t look so good. Let me help you.”
81. “Save your pity. I just need some rest.”
82. “If you change your mind, we’ll be in those caves. It’s dark, but at least it’s dry.”
83. “It’s the dark part I’m having trouble with.”
84. “May I remind you that he’s one of them?”
85. “Looks like he’s one of us now.”
86. “If I could sleep that deep, I’d be in paraside.”
87. “If you could sleep that deep, honey, you’d be dead.”
88. “Why is he doing this, pushing them on with false hope?”
89. “It’s hope that’s gotten us this far.”
90. “Why doesn’t he let them accept their fates?”
91. “It’s your choice, not your fate.”
92. “Back to what? It’s gone. We’re not meant to survive.”
93. “How dare you wase that good fortune by simply giving up!”
94. “The worst of it is you allowed an old fool like me to believe I was needed, that I still had a purpose.”
95. “I, for one, am not willing to die here.”
96. “Our survival, our future, is over these rocks.”
97. “Watch them, they’re tough. If they can do it, so can you.”
98. “He’s led that monster right to us!”
99. “If we scatter, he’ll pick us off. Stand together.”
100. “Welcome home.”
101. “Move over, everybody. Bringing in babies is what I do best.”
102. “Somebody wants to meet you.”
103. “Oh, aren’t you the sweetest little small fry I ever did see.”
104. “Meet your dad. He’s not as crazy as he looks.”
105. “Let met get a good look at you. Yup, you’re your father’s son.”
106. “Hey, look what I found! New neighbors!”
107. “Are you ladies up for a game of monkey in the middle?”
108. “None of us really know what changes, big or small, lie ahead.”
109. “One thing is certain, our journey’s not over.”
110. “We can only hope that in some small way, our time will be remembered.”
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music survey thingy
im bored and i want to post somethings so im going to post this music survey thing i did on spacehey :3
1: A song you like with a color in the title
white summer and green bicycle, red hair with black guitar - the pillows
2: A song you like with a number in the title
920LONDON - Ada Rook
3: A song that reminds you of summertime
Nine in the Afternoon - Panic! at the Disco
4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about
i couldnt think of one for this one :P
5: A song that needs to be played LOUD
Blow My Brains Out - Tikkle Me
6: A song that makes you want to dance
Fighting With The Melody - Jimmy Urine
7: A song to drive to
Thank You, New Jersey - Origami Angel
8: A song about drugs or alcohol
757 - 100 gecs
9: A song that makes you happy
AAA - 4lung
10: A song that makes you sad
Don't Try Suicide - Team Dresch
11: A song that you never get tired of
As Much As I Forget - Twinkle Park
12: A song from your preteen years
An Awful Lot Of Running - Chameleon Circuit
13: One of your favorite 80’s songs
Lagartija Nick - Bauhaus
14: A song that you would love played at your wedding
This Will Be Our Year - Dear Nora
15: A song that is a cover by another artist
Astro Zombies - My Chemical Romance (Originally by Misfits)
16: One of your favorite classical songs
Canon in D - Johann Pachelbel
17: A song that you would sing a duet with on karaoke
Brave As A Noun - AJJ
18: A song from the year that you were born
The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You - My Chemical Romance
19: A song that makes you think about life
Things To Do - Alex G
20: A song that has many meanings to you
Pizza Boy - Jack Stauber
21: A favorite song with a person’s name in the title
Addison - H4rtbrkr
22: A song that moves you forward
Friday Night - Sobs
23: A song that you think everybody should listen to
Who Could Win A Rabbit - Animal Collective
24: A song by a band you wish were still together
Don't Come Around Here No More (Please) - Brave Little Abacus
25: A song by an artist no longer living
Bombers - David Bowie
26: A song that makes you want to fall in love
I Wanna Make You Bread - Free Cake For Every Creature
27: A song that breaks your heart
Illinois//alberta - Your Arms Are My Cocoon
28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love
glass beach (ornamental mix) - Twinkle Park
29: A song that you remember from your childhood
Straight To Video - Mindless Self Indulgence
30: A song that reminds you of yourself
CREEP U - Black Dresses
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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list
generator here
quotes compiled from here
inspired by
feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.
❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜
❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜
❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜
❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜
❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜
❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜
❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜
❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜
❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜
❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜
❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜
❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜
❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜
❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜
❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜
❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜
❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜
❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜
❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜
❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜
❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜
❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜
❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜
❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜
❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜
❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜
❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜
❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜
❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜
❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜
❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜
❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜
❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜
❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness. ❜
❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜
❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜
❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜
❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜
❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜
❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜
❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜
❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜
❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜
❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜
❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜
❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜
❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜
❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜
❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜
❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜
❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜
❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜
❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜
❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜
❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜
❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜
❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜
❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜
❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜
❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜
❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜
❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜
❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜
❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜
❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜
❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜
❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜
❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives? ❜
❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜
❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜
❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜
❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜
❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜
❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜
❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜
❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜
❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜
❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜
❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜
❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜
❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜
❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜
❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜
❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜
❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜
❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜
❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜
❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜
❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜
❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜
❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜
❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜
❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜
❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜
❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜
❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜
❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜
❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜
❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜
❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜
❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜
❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜
❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜
❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜
❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜
❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜
❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜
❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜
❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜
❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜
❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜
❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜
❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜
❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜
❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜
❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜
❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜
❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜
❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜
❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜
❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜
❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜
❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜
❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜
❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜
❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜
❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜
❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜
❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜
❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜
❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜
❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜
❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜
❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜
❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜
❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜
❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜
❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜
❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜
❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜
❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜
❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜
❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜
❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜
❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜
❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜
❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜
❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜
❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜
❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜
❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜
❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜
❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜
❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜
❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜
❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜
❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜
❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜
❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜
❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜
❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜
❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜
❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜
❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜
❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜
❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜
❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜
❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜
❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜
❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜
❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜
❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜
❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜
❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜
❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜
❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜
❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜
❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜
❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜
❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜
❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜
❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜
❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜
❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜
❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜
❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜
❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜
❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜
❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜
❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜
❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜
❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜
❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜
❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜
❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜
❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜
❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜
❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜
❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜
❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜
❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜
❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜
❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜
❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜
❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜
❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜
❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ❜
❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜
❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜
❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜
❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜
❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜
❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜
❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜
❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜
❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜
❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜
❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜
❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜
❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜
❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜
❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜
❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜
❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜
❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜
❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜
❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜
❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜
❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜
❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜
❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜
❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜
❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜
❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜
❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜
❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜
❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜
❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜
❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜
❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜
❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜
❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜
❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜
❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜
❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜
❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜
❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜
❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜
❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜
❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜
❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜
❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜
❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜
❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜
❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜
❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜
❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜
❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜
❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜
❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜
❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜
❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜
❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜
❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜
❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜
❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜
❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜
❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜
❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜
❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜
❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜
❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜
❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜
❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜
❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜
❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜
❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜
❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜
❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜
❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜
❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜
❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜
❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜
❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜
❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜
❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜
❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜
❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜
❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜
❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜
❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜
❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜
❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜
❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜
❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜
❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜
❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜
❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜
❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜
❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜
❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜
❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜
❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜
❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜
❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜
❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜
❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜
❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜
❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜
❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜
❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜
❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜
❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜
❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜
❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜
❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜
❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜
❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜
❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜
❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜
❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜
❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜
❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜
❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜
❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜
❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜
❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜
❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜
❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜
❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly. ❜
❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜
❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜
❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜
❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜
❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜
❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜
❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜
❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜
❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜
❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜
❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜
❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜
❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜
❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜
❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜
❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜
❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜
❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜
❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜
❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜
❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜
❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜
❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜
❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜
❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜
❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜
❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜
❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜
❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜
❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜
❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜
❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜
❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜
❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜
❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜
❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜
❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜
❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜
❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜
❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜
❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜
❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜
❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜
❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜
❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜
❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜
❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜
❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜
❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜
❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜
❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜
❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜
❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜
❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜
❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜
❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜
❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜
❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜
❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜
❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜
❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜
❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜
❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜
❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜
❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜
❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜
❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜
❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜
❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜
❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜
❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜
❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜
❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜
❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope — It is but agony of desire. ❜
❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜
❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜
❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜
❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜
❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜
❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜
❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜
❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜
❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜
❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜
❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜
❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜
❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜
❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜
❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜
❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜
❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜
❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜
❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜
❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜
❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜
❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜
❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜
❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜
❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜
❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜
❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜
❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜
❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜
❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜
❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜
❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜
❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜
❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜
❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜
❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜
❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜
❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜
❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜
❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜
❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜
❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜
❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜
❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜
❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜
❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together. ❜
❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜
❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜
❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜
❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜
❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe
❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie
❨458❩ asleep. ❜
❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜
❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜
❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜
❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜
❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜
❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜
❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜
❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜
❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜
❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜
❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜
❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜
❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜
❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜
❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜
❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜
❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜
❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜
❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜
❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜
❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜
❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜
❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase. ❜
❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜
❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜
❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜
❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜
❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜
❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜
❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜
❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜
❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord. ❜
❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜
❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜
❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜
❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜
❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜
❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜
❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜
❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜
❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜
❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜
❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜
❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜
❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜
❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜
❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜
❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜
❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜
❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜
❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜
❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜
❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜
❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜
❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜
❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜
❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜
❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜
❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜
❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜
❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜
❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜
❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜
❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜
❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜
❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜
❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜
❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜
❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜
❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜
❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you. ❜
❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜
❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜
❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜
❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜
❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜
❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜
❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜
❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜
❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜
❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜
❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜
❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜
❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜
❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜
❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜
❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜
❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜
❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜
❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜
❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜
❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory. ❜
❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜
❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜
❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜
❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜
❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜
❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜
❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜
❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜
❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜
❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜
❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜
❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜
❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜
❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜
❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜
❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜
❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜
❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜
❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜
❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜
❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜
❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜
❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜
❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜
❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜
❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜
❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜
❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜
❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜
❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜
❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜
❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜
❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜
❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜
❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜
❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜
❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜
❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜
❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜
❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜
❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜
❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜
❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜
❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜
❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜
❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜
❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜
❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜
❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜
❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜
❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜
❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜
❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜
❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜
❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜
❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜
❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜
❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜
❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜
❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜
❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜
❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜
❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜
❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜
❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜
❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜
❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜
❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜
❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜
❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜
❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜
❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜
❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜
❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜
❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜
❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜
❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜
❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜
❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜
❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜
❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜
❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜
❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜
❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜
❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜
❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜
❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜
❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜
❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜
❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜
❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜
❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜
❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜
❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜
❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are. ❜
❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜
❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜
❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜
❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜
❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜
❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜
❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜
❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜
❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜
❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜
❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜
❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences. ❜
❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜
❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜
❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜
❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜
❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜
❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜
❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜
❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜
❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜
❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜
❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜
❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜
❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜
❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜
❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜
❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜
❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜
❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜
❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜
❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜
❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜
❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜
❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜
❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜
❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜
❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜
❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜
❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜
❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜
❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜
❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜
❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜
❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜
❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜
❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜
❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜
❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜
❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜
❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜
❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜
❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜
❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜
❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜
❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜
❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜
❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜
❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜
❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜
❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜
❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜
❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜
❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜
❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜
❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜
❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜
❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜
❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜
❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜
❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜
❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜
❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜
❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜
❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜
❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜
❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜
❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜
❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜
❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜
❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜
❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜
❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜
❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜
❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜
❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜
❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜
❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜
❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜
❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜
❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜
❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜
❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜
❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜
❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜
❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜
❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜
❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜
❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜
❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜
❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜
❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜
❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜
❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜
❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜
❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜
❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜
❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜
❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜
❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜
❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜
❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜
❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜
❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜
❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise. ❜
❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜
❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜
❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜
❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜
❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜
❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜
❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜
❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜
❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜
❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜
❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜
❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜
❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜
❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜
❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜
❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜
❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜
❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜
❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? ❜
❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜
❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜
❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜
❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜
❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜
❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜
❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜
❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜
❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜
❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜
❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜
❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜
❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜
❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜
❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜
❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜
❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜
❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜
❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜
❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜
❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜
❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜
❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜
❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜
❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜
❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜
❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜
❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜
❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜
❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜
❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜
❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜
❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜
❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜
❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜
❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜
❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜
❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜
❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜
❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜
❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜
❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜
❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜
❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜
❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜
❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜
❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜
❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜
❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜
❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜
❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜
❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜
❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜
❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜
❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜
❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜
❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜
❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜
❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜
❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜
❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜
❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜
❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜
❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜
❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜
❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜
❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜
❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜
❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜
❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜
❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜
❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜
❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜
❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜
❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜
❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜
❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜
❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜
❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜
❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜
❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜
❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜
❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜
❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜
❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜
❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜
❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜
❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜
❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜
❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜
❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜
❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜
❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜
❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜
❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜
❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜
❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜
❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜
❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜
❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜
❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜
❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜
❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜
❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue.
❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜
❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜
❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜
❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜
❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜
❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜
❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜
❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜
❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜
❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜
❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜
❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜
❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜
❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜
❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜
❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜
❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜
❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜
❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜
❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜
❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜
❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜
❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜
❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜
❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜
❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜
❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜
❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜
❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜
❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜
❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜
❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜
❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜
❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜
❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜
❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜
❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜
❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜
❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜
❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜
❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜
❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜
❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜
❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜
❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜
❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜
❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜
❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜
❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜
❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜
❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜
❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜
❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜
❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜
❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜
❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜
❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜
❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜
❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜
❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜
❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜
❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜
❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜
❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜
❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜
❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜
❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜
❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜
❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜
❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜
❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜
❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜
❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜
❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜
❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜
❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜
❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜
❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜
❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜
❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜
❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜
❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜
❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜
❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜
❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜
❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜
❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜
❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜
❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜
❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜
❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜
❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜
❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜
❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜
❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜
❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜
❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜
❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜
❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜
❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜
❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜
❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜
❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜
❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜
❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜
❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜
❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜
❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜
❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜
❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜
❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜
❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜
❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜
❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜
❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜
❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜
❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜
❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜
❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜
❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜
❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜
❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜
❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜
❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜
❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜
❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜
❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜
❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜
❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜
❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜
❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place? ❜
❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜
❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜
❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜
❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜
❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜
❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜
❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜
❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜
❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜
❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜
❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜
❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜
❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜
❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜
❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜
❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜
❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜
❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜
❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜
❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜
❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜
❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜
❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ❜
❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜
❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜
❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜
❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜
❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜
❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜
❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜
❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜
❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜
❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜
❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜
❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜
❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜
❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜
❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜
❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜
❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜
❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜
❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜
❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ���
❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜
❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜
❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜
❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜
❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜
❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜
❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜
❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜
❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜
❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜
❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜
❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜
❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜
❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜
❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜
❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜
❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜
❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜
❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜
❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜
❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜
❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜
❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜
❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜
❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜
❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜
❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜
❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜
❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜
❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜
❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜
❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜
❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜
❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜
❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜
❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜
❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜
❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜
❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜
❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜
❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜
❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜
❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜
❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜
❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜
❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜
❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜
❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜
❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜
❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜
❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜
❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜
❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜
❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜
❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜
❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜
❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜
❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜
❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜
❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜
❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜
❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜
❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜
❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜
❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜
❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜
❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜
❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜
❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜
❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜
❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜
❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜
❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜
❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜
❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜
❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜
❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜
❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜
❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜
❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜
❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜
❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜
❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜
❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜
❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜
❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜
❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜
❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜
❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜
❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜
❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜
❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜
❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜
❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜
❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜
❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜
❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜
❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜
❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜
❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you. ❜
❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜
❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜
❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜
❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜
❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜
❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜
❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜
❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜
❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜
❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜
❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner. ❜
❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜
❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜
❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜
❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜
❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜
❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜
❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜
❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜
❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜
❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜
❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜
❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜
❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜
❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜
❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜
❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜
❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜
❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜
❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜
❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜
❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜
❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜
❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜
❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜
❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜
❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜
❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜
❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜
❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜
❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜
❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜
❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜
❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜
❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜
❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜
❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜
❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜
❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜
❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜
❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜
❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜
❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜
❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜
❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜
❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜
❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜
❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜
❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜
❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜
❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜
❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜
❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜
❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜
❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜
❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜
❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜
❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜
❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜
❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜
❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜
❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜
❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜
❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜
❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜
❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜
❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜
❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜
❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜
❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜
❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜
❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜
❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜
❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜
❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜
❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜
❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜
❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜
❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜
❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜
❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜
❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜
❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜
❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜
❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜
❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜
❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜
❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜
❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜
❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜
❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜
❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜
❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜
❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜
❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜
❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜
❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜
❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜
❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜
❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜
❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜
❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜
❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜
❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜
❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜
❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜
❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜
❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜
❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜
❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜
❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜
❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜
❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜
❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜
❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜
❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜
❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜
❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜
❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜
❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜
❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜
❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜
❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜
❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜
❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜
❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜
❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜
❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜
❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜
❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜
❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜
❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜
❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜
❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜
❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜
❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜
❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜
❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜
❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜
❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜
❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜
❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜
❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜
❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜
❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜
❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜
❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜
❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜
❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜
❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜
❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜
❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away. ❜
❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜
❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜
❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜
❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜
❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜
❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜
❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜
❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜
❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜
❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜
❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜
❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜
❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜
❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜
❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜
❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜
❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.”
❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜
❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜
❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜
❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜
❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜
❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜
❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜
❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜
❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜
❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜
❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜
❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜
❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜
❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜
❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜
❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜
❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜
❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜
❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜
❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜
❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you
❨1358❩ realise. ❜
❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜
❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜
❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜
❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜
❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜
❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜
❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜
❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜
❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜
❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜
❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜
❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜
❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜
❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜
❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜
❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜
❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜
❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜
❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜
❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜
❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜
❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜
❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜
❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜
❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜
❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜
❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜
❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜
❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜
❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜
❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜
❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜
❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜
❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜
❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜
❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜
❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜
❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜
❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜
❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜
❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜
❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜
❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜
❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜
❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜
❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜
❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜
❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜
❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜
❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜
❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜
❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜
❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜
❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜
❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜
❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜
❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜
❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜
❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜
❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜
❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜
❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜
❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜
❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜
❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜
❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜
❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜
❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜
❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜
❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜
❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜
❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜
❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜
❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜
❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜
❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜
❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜
❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜
❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜
❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜
❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜
❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜
❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜
❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜
❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜
❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜
❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜
❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜
❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜
❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜
❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜
❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜
❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜
❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜
❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜
❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜
❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜
❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜
❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜
❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜
❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜
❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜
❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜
❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜
❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜
❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜
❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜
❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜
❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜
❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜
❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜
❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜
❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜
❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜
❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜
❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜
❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜
❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜
❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜
❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜
❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜
❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜
❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜
❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜
❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜
❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜
❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜
❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜
❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜
❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜
❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜
❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜
❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜
❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜
❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜
❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜
❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜
❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜
❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜
❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜
❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜
❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜
#sentence starters#generate sentence prompts#rp meme#roleplay prompt#roleplay meme#prompt for writing#rp prompt#send emoji meme#long tw
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I write sins not tragedies - Andy Barber smut
The one where you’re Andy’s sugar baby and he loves seeing you in lingerie
Warnings: rough sex, daddy kink, sugar daddy relationship, infidelity (reader is the other woman), throatfucking, curses, some degrading name-calling in a very loving way
A/N: Day 5 of kinktober and I can’t believe I’m still keeping up with this! Prompts for today were daddy kink and lingerie!
Y/N’s P.O.V.
I didn’t even notice him entering the apartment, that’s how focused on my study session I was. But then two strong arms wrapped themselves around my torso and before I could even consider tensing up from the surprise, his cologne calmed my brain down and I was automatically melting against him.
“Hi, daddy.” I turned my head to the side to meet his eyes, but no such luck. He had buried his face against the crook of my neck, and his delicious beard was tickling me, making me thrash around in his arms.
“Hi, princess. I thought you’d missed me,” he mumbled against my skin, making me giggle. For someone who was constantly accusing me of being dramatic, he could be so much worser than me sometimes. Especially when he had a hard day in the office or in his family life.
“You know I always do. Did you have a rough day?” At that, he finally released me, allowing me to turn around on the bed so I could look him in the eye, taking notice of the dark patches underneath them. “Oh, Andy. I wish you’d take better care of yourself.”
My words brought a little smile to his face, and his eyes shined with a particular light as he looked at me, his hands cradling my cheeks. “You’re the only one who can take care of me properly.”
I tried not to show how he made me feel warm inside with just that one sentence, because I was honestly very worried about him, so I simply rolled my eyes. “Then I guess you have to move in, so I can take care of you 24/7, huh?”
It was just a teasing remark, I honestly didn’t have any second intentions with my words. I knew what I was getting into when Andy approached me with the proposition to become his sugar baby. I knew he was married and had a kid not that much younger than me and I never deluded myself into believing he’d simply abandon everything for me.
But when things got bad and I couldn’t be there for him when he actually needed me, that was the only time I second-guessed this entire arrangement. Because the truth was, I had fallen for him, hard. And it was difficult to remember he wasn’t mine to take care of most of the time.
“Please, ignore what I said. I didn’t mean it like that. Come here,” I begged, wrapping my hands around his suit’s lapels and pulling his weight down on the bed, so he’d be on top of me. Even frozen from the shock provoked by my words, he still easily followed, allowing me to cradle his face and kiss him all over until he was comfortable enough to talk again.
“Y/N…” He suddenly started, trying to push himself away from me, his voice in such a serious tone that I immediately knew what he was going to say, but I didn’t need to hear it. So I followed his movements, sitting up on the bed too, before covering his mouth with one of my hands, climbing on his lap.
“Please, Andy, don’t. Really. All I meant was… It doesn’t matter, you just don’t need to worry about it. I love what we have. I’m not asking for more. Promise.” He didn’t look like he trusted me that much, but then again, it could also be a bit of his own guilt as he stared me down with those expressive brown eyes of his. But I wouldn’t let him get dragged into that useless whirlwind, at least that I could do for him.
“Here, let me take your mind off of it. Wanna see something nice?” He still looked wary as he watched me get out of bed until I was standing in front of him, but after a few minutes and a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair and nodded.
“If it comes from you, always.” The tiny smile he gave me had my heart doing backflips in my chest, and I returned it with a much bigger one, hoping to show him that I really was fine. And then I started to push down my sweatpants, wiggling out of them before taking off my sweater too, until I was left with only my latest purchase.
The sound of Andy’s breath hitching was everything I needed to know I was in the right direction. The piece I was wearing was yellow with white little daisies that covered the places there were supposed to be lace or any sort of fabric. It was ridiculously expensive for something with so little, but the way Andy was looking at me made it seem worthy.
He always did have a thing for seeing me in lingerie. Well, I didn’t know if it was me, specifically, just that it was the first thing he started to gift me just as soon as he covered all the essentials I needed to live.
For a long time, they were all that I had except for his impromptu gifts that always consisted of new lingerie pieces and some other frivolous thing, like a designer bag or some jewels, and I always accepted it with gratitude but insisted that he didn’t have to bother. I liked him and all I needed was for his help with the bills, but still, he wouldn’t have it.
He’d say that spoiling me was the best part of his week and that me accepting what he got me was one of the things I needed to do for him in return, so really, what could I do? The problematic part was when he started to include in the allowance money that he gave me to buy groceries a few hundred dollars supposed to be destined for me to buy some new pieces myself.
He wanted to be surprised, he said. As much as he loved to pick out some pieces for me and imagine me in them before actually getting to see them against my skin, he also wanted to have me amaze him once in a while. And this was the first time I finally got the courage to do so.
“Babygirl, you look so…” Immediately jumping back into the mindset that I wanted him to be in, I silently congratulated myself not only on being able to distract him but also for my choice in underwear. “Delicious,” was the word he settled in, the hand that was holding mine as I twirled around for him to get a full-view suddenly disappearing as he stood upright in front of me, towering over my scantily-clad body with his full height while still wearing his suit.
The way he was looking at me had me shivering under his gaze, and he smirked when he noticed, just before dropping to his knees and grabbing one of my legs to put it over his shoulder. “In more ways than one…”
And then his tongue was right over my pussy, a single finger from the hand that wasn’t helping me stay up curled against my underwear to allow him to move freely. He hummed at my taste, making my knees instantly buckled. “How the fuck are you so delicious, huh, babygirl?”
Before I could even consider answering, he sucked on my clit, making me release a strangled gasp as I tried to keep myself up, a hand on his hair and the other on his shoulder. He knew how hard it was for me to do anything when his face was buried against me, knew how talented he was with that tongue, but still, he didn’t have any pity for me.
“Answer daddy,” he admonished, slapping the back of one of my thighs, almost making me fall to my knees. “C’mon, sweet girl. You know how much I hate when you leave me unanswered.”
Taking a deep breath to try to gather my thoughts, it was hard for me to even remember what it was that he’d asked me in the first place. Finally, after another slap, this one over my ass, which he took the opportunity to grab after, I managed to spill out an “I-I don’t know, daddy.”
It wasn’t the answer Andy wanted, that much I knew, so it didn’t surprise me too much when he detached myself from my pussy after one last lick, before getting up to his full height, his hands immediately going to his belt.
“You know that’s not good enough, baby. Get on your knees for me.” I bit on my lower lip to stop a smile from appearing on my face, for the sake of our game. This was supposed to be a punishment, I knew that. I couldn’t very well just show him how eager I was to have his taste on my tongue again.
But the smirk he sported as he slapped his cock against my cheek let me know he was well aware of the fact. The number of times I’d been called his cockslut, after all, couldn’t very well be forgotten by the very man who had trained me to take him like a pro.
“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking, sweetheart,” he warned, making me bite the inside of my cheek to stop the giggles that I could feel rising through my chest. “But if you let daddy fuck your throat the way he likes, he just might give you what you want. Open up,” he orders and I, ever dutifully and simply his, do exactly as he says, my tongue sticking out to welcome his weight on my mouth.
“Shit, baby, I always forget how incredible you feel,” he comments mindlessly, and despite knowing it was nothing less than a compliment, it hurts my chest for a moment the possibility of him going home and simply pretending that I don’t exist, ignoring how great I can make him feel.
Blinking away the tears that were already rising under my eyelids, I couldn’t really attribute them to the lack of oxygen yet, but I was hoping the excuse would fit if one managed to escape. So I blindly reached out for Andy’s ass and pulled him to me, effectively choking myself on his dick.
“Jesus fucking CHRIST, what has gotten into you today?” He asked as he pulled me back from his cock by my hair, and I coughed a bit as I gathered my breath, before shaking my head as well as I could while he kept his grip on me.
“Nothing, daddy. I just really want to pleasure you.” He looked suspicious again, but now wasn’t the time to inquire about it. Not when his cock was throbbing, the red tip leaking precum drops that you were too eager to lap up. “Fuck, okay. But stay put, alright, princess? Let daddy decide the pace.”
Your mouth-watering at the sight of him helped the blowjob immediately become sloppy, just like he liked. “Fuckkkk. Just like that, baby girl. Now, relax your throat, okay?” I did as he said, allowing him to dip my head back as I reminded myself to breathe through my nose before he immediately started to fuck his cock on my throat, provoking my gag reflex to act up and the tears to start again.
“Hold it, baby. We both know you can. Don’t you like it when daddy’s cock is nested inside your pretty throat? When you can’t breathe and it’s all because of me?” His hand gripped my neck, aiding the asphyxiation as he felt himself inside of me. “Oh, yeah. See? This is why daddy loves coming to see you. Only you can treat him so. fucking. well.”
After a particularly hard thrust that left me coughing out my lungs, he pulled me to my feet by my hair before throwing me on the bed, face down. “And since you’ve been such a good little girl for daddy, he’ll give you what you want.”
I could feel my wetness dripping down my thighs as I heard him open the condom packet. Just the sound of the foil was enough to make me whimper. Behind me, I could hear Andy chuckle at my eagerness.
“Such a good little princess for me. So crazy for my cock, huh?” The blunt head of his length rubbing against my throbbing clit was exactly enough to get me even needier for him. I sucked in a breath as he teased me for a little while, rubbing himself over my opening but never actually pushing in.
Andy’s P.O.V.
“Y-yes, daddy. Only for your cock.” Fuck, she just knew exactly what to say to make me lose control. This was precisely why I needed her so much. Why I couldn’t even feel bad about what I was doing. Not when she was the only one with whom I could actually be myself.
Thrusting inside of her for the first time in a night was always the best feeling, probably akin only to walking through the gates of heaven, perhaps because that’s what she was to me: my own little piece of heaven, my angel on Earth.
“You okay, sweetheart?” I asked, my heart overflowing with emotions I couldn’t allow myself to feel as I carefully brushed the strands of her hair away from her face, so I could hold them all in my makeshift ponytail. When she hummed in agreement, that’s when I felt comfortable enough to start thrusting in and out of her, appreciating the wet sounds of her pussy trying to keep my cock inside of her.
“Daddy… please…” She begged, her hands reaching forward to hold onto the duvet of her bed while I abided by her desires and started to fuck into her harder. She really was my other half, the only one who understood and reciprocated my needs.
“Daddy got you, little one. Just hold on tight.” Her hands practically curled into fists, I started to fully pound her against the mattress, one of my hands coming around her to hug her back to me, while I played with her clit. “Such a perfect little girl for your daddy. Now daddy needs you to cum around him, can you do that, princess? Can you be a good girl for me?”
The dirty talk always got to her, and within seconds she was trembling in my arms, gasping in need of air as her pussy milked my cock until all of my cum was safely inside the condom.
I could still remember when we had that discussion. I obviously had wanted to fuck her raw, but that was one of the only limits she established right away. “You’re still gonna be fucking your wife, I need to be safe.”
The fact that I hadn’t felt anything when she pointed out that if I was cheating, Laurie could very well be doing the same, should have shown me just how screwed up I was. “Princess…” I started after cleaning us both with a wet towel from the bathroom. She looked up at me expectantly, obviously curious about what I had to say, but the seconds our eyes met, she already knew the subject I was going to approach.
“No, Andy. Let it go! We’ve been through this already.” Sighing, I couldn’t help but smile as I sat down by her side on the bed, as always fascinated by the fact that she could so easily read what was on my mind.
“As incredible as you are, baby girl, I don’t think you know precisely what I got to say, and the truth is, I need you to hear this.” She shut her mouth at that, but still pouted, showing me how skeptical she was.
Chuckling softly, I held her hands in mine before caressing her cheek, trying to show her through the intensity of my gaze that my words were 100% honest. “The reason I got so shocked by what you said was that I was overcome with the desire to do just that. To move in here, with you.”
For a few seconds, no one said anything. It was just her and me, her eyes twice their usual size as she blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of what I had just said. “But, Andy…” Sighing, I already knew what she was going to say, so I just squeezed the hand I was still holding, signaling that she didn’t need to say anything yet.
“I know, baby. I know.” I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, hugging her to me and giving a kiss on her forehead, hoping that she could once again understand what I wanted to say, even if I couldn’t yet put it into words. “I just wanted you to know.”
#andy barber#andy barber smut#smut#my fics#andy barber fanfiction#andy barber fan fiction#andy barber one shot#andy barber reader#andy barber one-shot#andy barber x reader#andy barber imagine#andy barber imagine fanfiction
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chain reaction 02 | jjk
genre: fluff and angst
rating: PG
pairing: Jungkook x reader
theme: college!au , enemies to lovers, series
word count: 4.6k
warnings: light swearing
synopsis: A semester with your mortal enemy, Jeon Jungkook, as your lab partner was bound to be an experience to remember.
banner by me!
read part 1 here!
If you want to be tagged in future parts, send me an ask!
--♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡--
When you had imagined what Jeon Jungkook’s apartment would look like, you had definitely thought it would look something like an evil lair (except messy, because Jungkook definitely struck you as the messy type).
However, upon stepping into his surprisingly well-finished apartment, you found the exact opposite case. Before this, you had planned to make a ton of jokes based on whatever you would find in Jungkook’s apartment. And the truth was, you still could.
Jeon Jungkook was an absolute neat freak. You watched the way he subtly shuddered as a fleck of dirt from your shoes travelled off of his doormat and you took note of how his kitchen counter was so clean you could probably eat directly off of it (which was especially rare from someone in college). If he had a roommate, there was no trace of him right now, as the apartment pretty much looked like a showhome.
“I didn’t know you were such a clean freak, Jeon,” you said with a smirk.
For the first time, you saw Jeon Jungkook look the slightest bit timid.
“I like to keep things tidy, I guess,” he said while rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand.
He gestured for you to enter his quaint but somehow spacious living room as he sped to the kitchen to grab you a glass of water (he may not like you, but he’d be damned by his mother if she found out he let a guest into his place without giving them a beverage).
You had a very clear game plan when it came to entering Jeon Jungkook’s apartment: Enter. Talk about the project (and nothing else). Grab the chemistry notes from the class you missed on Monday. Leave.
It definitely seemed like an easy peasy 4 step plan - except that all seemed to flow out the window once you saw the photo Jungkook kept on his coffee table. From what you could decipher, it looked like a high school aged Jungkook in a music studio, right in front of the mic, with some of his friends around him. You had never seen Jungkook smile as big as he was in that picture, and it even managed to pull at your heartstrings.
Before you could open your mouth to ask about it, Jungkook had already come over to you and slammed the picture to be face down on the table, leaving smiley high school Jungkook out of sight.
“An invitation into my apartment isn’t an invitation into my private life, Y/N. Don’t get it twisted.” he said coldly, dropping the glass of water hashly onto a coaster by the picture frame.
To be fair, you kind of deserved that (and looking into Jungkook’s personal life definitely wasn’t part of your 4 step plan to seeing him today), but he didn’t have to be that mean. As a peace offering you moved as far away from the photo frame as you could.
“Let’s just get this over with, Jeon. I have a pilates class in an hour on the other side of campus.”
Now Jungkook couldn't pass up that opportunity to make a joke.
“Pilates, mmm.” He let out an overexaggerated moan to make his point.
“ Think you can slip my number to the hot girls there Y/N,” said Jungkook with a smirk.
“In your dreams Jeon. You’re lucky if any girls will still want your number if you fail organic chemistry, which is what you’re going to do if we don’t work on this project.”
“I think you’re forgetting Y/N.” he said as he bent down, bringing his lips to your ear - “if I go down I’m taking you with me sunshine”.
Ignoring how his close proximity to you was making your heart race (it was probably due to anger, right??), you jumped away from him and pulled out your macbook.
“Our group contract is due tomorrow so let’s just finish that up and then I’ll be out of your hair okay?” you said with an air of desperation and potentially sexual frustration.
For the most part, you and Jungkook worked in silence besides the occasional sound of you typing or clearing your throat. Looking at the live google doc in front of you and the progress you both were making, you were starting to think that working with Jungkook might not be the worst thing in the world.
Jeon Jungkook and Y/N L/N : CHEM 251 LAB PRESENTATION CONTRACT
Topic - Green Chemistry
1. Answer all communication from your partner (emails, messages) within 24 hours
2. Complete all portions of assignments at least 1 day before it is due.
3. Any changes to your availability should be communicated to your partner.
4. Y/N will handle the background literature and introduction of the presentation.
5. Jungkook will look for future applications of Green Chemistry and direct applications of course material in the field of Green Chemistry.
6. Don’t fall in love with your partner.
As soon as you saw Jungkook type the last point on the document, you glared at him beside you on the couch.
“Seriously Jeon? I forgot you have the mindset of a 13 year old boy,” you muttered as he looked at you cockily.
You took a deep breath as your internal monologue started to run:
Okay, Y/N. you’re not here to let Jeon Jungkook mess with you. 3 strikes and you’re out of here - there’s no reason to need to keep up with his bullshit (especially since at least the first part of your project was over).
Jungkook had then had to add more rules to your group contract.
7. Y/N will give out Jungkook’s number to any hot girl at her pilates class.
You groaned and hastily deleted off the document.
That was strike 1 for Jungkook. 3 strikes and he’s out.
Jungkook was still relentless in his attacks.
“Seriously though Y/N, do you really not think I’m attractive at all? You really don’t want a piece of this?,” he said as he wiggled his eyebrows and gestured to his body all too suggestively.
“Cut it out Jeon, I’m not dealing with your shit today,” you hissed, your eyes shooting metaphorical lasers into Jungkook.
Strike 2: He’s getting close.
“C’mon Y/N, what’s the chance that you’ll ever be able to bag someone as hot as me. I mean, look at me and look at you!”
Strike 3: you were DONE with Jeon Jungkook today.
Not even stopping to put on your shoes fully, you took one last glance back at him before you walked out the door.
“Fuck you, Jeon Jungkook.”
The glass of water he got you sat untouched on his coffee table, drops of water spilling onto the photo frame beside it due to his apartment shaking from you slamming his door.
Mirroring the new droplets on his coffee table, you found tears starting to drop across your face as well.
--♡--
Even though you loved your chemistry lecture, you’re not sure why chemistry labs had such a bad vibe to you. The most obvious explanation for this would be having Jeon Jungkook as a lab partner (especially after your last meeting, the situation speaks for itself). But what could be is probably at least part of the reason is because of what happened in your first year 8AM chem lab. After getting through a grueling 3 hour titration (that you messed up and got no results for in the end), you walked back to your dorm to find your (now ex) boyfriend Jimin in bed with your roommate, Soomi.
Needless to stay you left that day with one less friend, no boyfriend (and you had also gotten 16/30 on that lab… yikes), so chemistry labs did leave a little bit of a bad taste in your mouth.
It had been months since that incident, but even after getting a new lease and cutting any ties you remotely had to Jimin, you still carried the insecurity that Jimin instilled in you by cheating on you with someone who you thought of as a sister.
You had yet to run into Jimin against post-breakup, and had managed to successfully avoid him, until now.
“Y/N?”
You knew that voice all too well. Turning around, you were met with the sight of your ex, Jimin. As if that wasn’t bad enough, as you looked him over you noticed your old roommate, Soomi, hanging off of his arm. You had no clue that they were still together (you had lost all contact with anyone remotely related to Jimin), and somehow seeing them together hurt you even more.
Jimin looked even prettier than you had last remembered him; his prince-like hair shone in the afternoon sun, his charming smile seemed even brighter. Knowing Jimin was still with Soomi made you feel that he didn’t even feel a pang of regret for cheating on you, like he didn’t need to take some time by himself to reflect (like you definitely did) or stop to grieve your relationship. From your point of view, it seemed like you never even mattered to Jimin.
You suddenly felt self conscious of everything under the judgmental gazes of Jimin and Soomi. Those baby hairs that you didn’t bother to pin down with a bobby pin this morning now felt like they were sticking straight out of your head and the pimple that was poking through your concealer on your forehead suddenly felt like a volcano. In your mind, compared to Soomi, you looked like a hot mess.
Your brain was on autopilot for all the small-talk you made with the two of them, and you didn’t snap out of your trance until you heard these words from Jimin.
“I only wish the best for you Y/N”
You internally scoffed at this statement. Who the fuck was Park Jimin to say that he “wishes the best for you”. You took months to get over him and the hurtful words he said to you. Every mean comment and snarky comparisons he made to you felt like it was tattooed onto your skin and stuck with you forever. But now he was standing in front of you like nothing was wrong?
In a different world, you probably would’ve slapped Jimin across the face. But instead you rose above like your mom taught you to.
“You as well Jimin.” you said courtly with a nod, trying to stop the tears that were pricking at your eyes from escaping your tear ducts.
After receiving a small nod from Jimin as a response, you turned around as if you had somewhere to be (in reality, you didn’t have class for another 2 hours).
Getting as far away from Jimin was all you could think about at the moment, and you moved as far as your legs could take you in whatever direction you thought would take you out of your college’s quad, even as the tears falling from your eyes blurred your vision.
You didn’t know how to feel. You had imagined what seeing Jimin for the first time after the break up would look like; maybe he would grovel at his knees and beg to have you back (it’s not that you wanted to date him again or that you had feelings for him, but it would feel nice to feel wanted), maybe you would just throw a drink in his face and walk away like a bad bitch, maybe you could’ve flashed a new boyfriend in front of his face.
All of a sudden your phone started to ring. Your first fear (and somewhat hope) was that it would be Jimin calling you, but little did you know that it was something so much worse.
Incoming Call: Jeon Boy
“as if this day couldn’t get any worse,” you thought to yourself as you pressed decline. You had yet to talk to Jungkook since that day at his apartment (you didn’t even call to congratulate him on his
Incoming Call: Jeon Boy
You groaned and hit the decline but at the speed of lightning again.
Incoming Call: Jeon Boy
Seriously, could this guy not take a hint? You were tempted to turn your phone off all together, but settled for hitting the decline button again.
Incoming Call: Jeon Boy
You realized that for whatever reason, Jungkook was not giving up, so you either had to answer him or listen to your ringtone of “Love Killa” by Monday X play every 10 seconds. Praying that your voice wouldn’t betray you, you took a deep (albeit shaky) breath and tried your best to wipe your tears before clicking “answer”.
“Look Jeon, I’m - uh - sorry but I really can’t do this right now okay? I’ll call you later.” you choked out, your voice obviously wavering as you tried to be as professional as possible.
Before you could press the “end call button” you heard Jungkook’s concerned voice through the speakers.
“Y/N, wait, you don’t sound too good. Are you okay?”
Ah yes, “are you okay” - probably the most loaded question a person could ever ask.
You probably could’ve kept it together if he had asked any other question, but his “are you ok” truly pulled at your heartstrings.
You felt your chest tightening but you tried your best to help the feeling subside. You had yet to show weakness about how Jimin had affected you to anyone, and you sure as hell weren’t going to start with Jeon Jungkook. Clutching at your chest and taking a few deep breaths in an effort to calm your racing heart, you continued on.
“Is that genuine concern I’m hearing from you Jeon? Be careful, you’re losing your bad boy persona,” you said as you tried to make a joke to distract him.
“Y/N, no. I’m serious. are. you. okay.”
You couldn’t handle it anymore. Sobs broke free from your chest and you heaved into the phone, your whimpers and whines striking Jungkook on the other side of the phone.
“I, I can’t- I just-“
The words barely broke through your sobs. Your chest was tightening and you could barely hear Jungkook through the ringing in your ears.
“Y/N where are you, I’m coming’” said Jungkook. You could hear the jingling of his car keys and the rustling of him putting on shoes.
As if mother nature felt your pain, the rain started pouring down on you at the same time.
You barely got out any more words to Jungkook, but he didn’t hang up on you. He just kept whispering comforting phrases, trying to calm you down from afar as you could hear his car engine roaring in the background (in another world, you definitely would’ve yelled at him for using his phone while driving). You barely even registered that Jungkook was there at all. Every memory of you and Jimin seemed to reopen like a fresh wound, and you couldn’t feel anything except the pain. All you could do was sit on a random curb by the edge of campus, your wails probably reaching the sorority houses nearby.
You felt broken. The sound of the thunder overhead mixed with your cries as the rain pelted you, soaking your thin sweatshirt. You don’t know how much time passed there. In your head, it felt like time was frozen, while for Jungkook it felt like he was wasting hours zooming through campus (he truly was zooming - a month later he found out that he had accumulated 3 speeding tickets trying to find you, but he would never tell you that).
“Oh, sunshine,” he murmured, voice laced with pity and concern as he pulled over his car on the curb in front of you.
You and Jungkook hadn’t even said a word to each other since the feud at his apartment, and you had absolutely zero clue how he even managed to figure out where you were through your jumbled phone call. But all you knew is that right now you needed him. You needed someone to give you a bit of comfort, and Jungkook was somehow here to do that for you. Despite everything between you twom you couldn’t hide the feeling of relief that ran through your body as you looked up and saw Jungkook in front of you.
Coming to your side, Jungkook crouched beside you.
“Jungkook”, you wept as he pulled you into his chest. It was probably one of the first times you had actually addressed him by his first name, which came as a surprise to him.
Holding you closer, Jungkook couldn’t help but feel protective over you. He couldn’t help but hurt with you as he saw your fragile figure shaking in his arms.
“You’re gonna be okay now Y/N, okay? I’m here. I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”
And in that moment, on a dirty curbside off campus, you weren’t Jeon boy and little miss sunshine, mortal enemies and chemistry lab partners. Instead, you were just Jeon Jungkook and Y/N., and nothing else seemed to matter at the moment.
--♡--
To your surprise (and the surprise of anyone else who knows you), you and Jungkook had not been stepping on each other’s toes as much. What had started out as extreme, extreme dislike had turned into a mild dislike (maybe even a very slight enjoyment of his presence, although you weren't about to admit that anytime soon). And of course, you both refuse to acknowledge the “Jimin incident” that had occurred a week ago and you both refuse to believe that it may have had something to do with you and Jungkook not hating each other. Your emails stopped being signed off with “do your part Jeon, or else” and instead now usually started with “Hey Jeon!” and “Thanks, Y/N”
That brought you here, in your apartment on a Friday night, eating old pizza in an old sweatshirt, no bra, and some comfy shorts that had definitely been through the wash one too many times. Researching for your chemistry project, you chuckled at how much of a londer you would look to an outsider. Sending off the articles you found on Green Chemistry to Jungkook, you closed out the email with some casual pleasantries and then turned to continue rewatching episodes of your favourite kdrama. You definitely weren’t expecting a response from Jungkook until Monday. You were sure that someone like him was at a frat party (was he even in a frat? You had no idea). Either way, Jungkook probably was lounging around in some party house with like 6 girls on his arms, while you were doing quite the opposite.
Surprisingly, Jungkook was actually doing quite a similar thing to you. Instead of watching kdramas, he was watching Iron Man (for what was probably the 50th time), and was huddled under a makeship blanket fort like a child and scrolling through reddit. Don’t be mistaken though, Jeon Jungkook was definitely a partier, but he also knew when he needed to give his head (and liver) a break.
He saw his phone chime with a gmail notification. He took a brief scroll through the articles you had sent over to him (those were definitely work for another day since there was no way he could digest academic jargon without at least 3 cups of coffee in him), but he was pleasantly surprised with what you had come up with.
At the same time, the Facebook tab he had open on his Macbook also lit up.
It’s Y/N L/N’s birthday today! Leave a message on her wall to celebrate!
Jungkook’s jaw dropped.
It was your birthday and you were sending him chemistry research papers?? Jungkook chuckled because he could already think of 1000 bad jokes to make fun of you, but he also felt some other feeling that he couldn’t quite place.
Jungkook’s mother had always taught him that it was important to celebrate birthdays, and that is was bad luck that it was He wasn’t sure if it was just a farce that his mother had come up with to make sure that he still attended those family-wide facetime birthday celebrations once he went to college, but either way, he still believed it to some extent.
He had no clue why he was doing this, or how he even got here, but somehow Jungkook found himself in sweatpants and a hoodie in front of your apartment door at 10pm on a Friday night, cake in tow in one hand, his other hand out ready to knock on your door.
On the other side of the door, you were equally astonished. It almost felt like you were seeing a hallucination, as if your email to Jungkook had somehow summoned him to your door. You couldn’t help but rub your eyes in disbelief, just to make sure he was actually there.
“Jungkook?”
Bashful Jungkook seemed to make an appearance again as he tapped his feet in anxiety. And before he could stop himself, words were already tumbling from his mouth”
“Happy birthday?” he said as a question , posing it as if he didn’t know whether facebook was just playing a prank on him (which he honestly didn’t know). “Can I come in?”
You didn’t even really know how to process this situation, but all you could mutter was a “uh, thank you?” in a similar inquirable tone and gesture for him to step into your apartment. If Jeon Jungkook showed up at your door at 10pm on a Friday night, he probably deserved to be heard out.
“You can make yourself comfortable on the couch. Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company otherwise I would have cleaned up a bit.” You were sure that Jungkook’s neat freak brain was probably frying itself into overdrive based on the empty now-empty pizza box sitting on your coffee table and stray utensils and crumbs on your kitchen counter. You felt a little embarrassed that he had to see this.
Mirroring Jungkook’s hospitality last time you were at his place, you brought him a glass of water and hoped that this evening would go a LOT better than the last time you and Jungkook were alone together in an apartment.
Jungkook’s cake was still held in his hands. It was a little cake from the 24/7 cafe on campus; he could only find one that said “happy” with little sunflowers and smiles, so hopefully the “birthday” part of it was implied.
“I, um, I brought cake - for you. I mean your birthday.”
You sat down across from him.
“Oh you didn’t have to Jungkook, uh that’s really nice but you didn’t have to do that,” you said as you leaned further away from the cake, as if it was an item that scared you. “I’m not big on birthdays anyways, just usually me chilling in my apartment!”
However, Jungkook was not planning on taking no as an answer. He tried his best to plead with you, but was still getting nowhere.
“you… you have to do it for my mom!” he said as he thrust the cake even closer to your face.
You tilted your head in confusion at his statement.
“I mean uh-, my mom says that it’s bad luck if you don’t blow out candles on cake on your birthday and that if you don’t do it then you won’t live to your next birthday. And um- i know we’re not friends Y/N but I’d rather see you alive next year”.
Jungkook tried to look as nonchalant and cool as possible, and when he realized his statement was a little too thoughtful he followed it up with a “i mean you could do whatever you want i don’t care it doesn’t matter to me”.
You were beginning to like this side of Jungkook, the one that was more thoughtful than he was a selfish, inconsiderate dude.
Taking the cake softly from his hands, you muttered a soft “thank you”. At this point Jungkook didn’t know whether you took it from his hands to throw it on the ground or actually use it for its intended purpose. As you leaned over to grab the lighter by your candles on your coffee table, Jungkook let out a breath of relief.
Throwing open the cake box, you lit the candle in the cake and stared patiently in front of it.
“Well Jungkook, I believe if I am going to be blowing out candles there should be singing too, no?” You joked with a silly smile on your face.
Knowing he had no way out of this (and to be honest, he secretly wanted to anyways), he began to sing.
You had never heard a more beautiful rendition of happy birthday in your life. Jungkook turned the most mundane song, one that you didn’t have many happy memories with, into a tune that made your heart start to swell with joy. You wished the song was longer, because as he stopped to sing you wanted nothing more than for him to keep going.
“Make a wish, Y/N” , he whispered.
You didn’t know what to wish for. There were a lot of things that needed to be fixed in the world, and lots of things that you needed too (like a new toothbrush, or the experience of true love). It seemed fitting that since you were only blowing out these candles because of Jungkook, you should at least dedicate the wish to him. So all you wished for was for you and Jungkook to get along just like you were in this moment.
You looked up at Jungkook from the cake, and from there all you could say was a sincere “thank you”.
The moment was all too sincere, and you and Jungkook could feel the atmosphere shift to one that was all too intimate and friendly for your relationship. As moving away from a hot flame, you both picked up your phones and mumbled excuses to move away from the situation.
Jungkook was the first to break the ice again.
“I don’t know how good this cake is going to be, the expiry date was at least a week and a half ago”
“Well Jeon Jungkook, if you brought an expired cake into my apartment, it feels like a right of passage that you have to try this cake with me.”
You couldn’t stop yourself from picking up a piece of cake on a fork and shoving it into his mouth. Immediately, his face scrounged up in disgust, and you could pretty much see him gag.
“That cream is… very creamy to stay the least,” he said as he thickly swallowed it down, grimacing the whole time.
His expression made you chuckle. There was something about the way his naturally fluffy hair seemed to move as he swayed like a piece of seaweed on your couch (a mannerism that you had picked up on quite quickly), that made you feel warm inside.
“Considering me sacrificing myself to this cake as a birthday present to you, Y/N”
The laugh that bubbled out of your chest almost made that gross cake worth it to Jungkook. And some words of sincerity slipped out before you could hold them in.
“Best birthday present ever, Jungkook, thank you.
--♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡--
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they forget your birthday
w/ sugawara, oikawa, akaashi,
an: since my birthday is coming up in two days I thought this would be a fitting post and how about i break all of your hearts with some angst
sugawara
being a teacher is not easy, you knew this. and being a teacher for a bunch of children was even harder.
suga came home every day utterly exhausted and drained from his students. especially since he has taken up coaching the middle school volleyball team
he was tired and you respected his boundaries and exhaustion although you missed him so much.
BUT
your birthday was coming up you were so excited to just have some time alone with him again
sugawara left that morning giving you nothing more than a good morning kiss. this made you frown but you dealt with it. you knew he had to rush to get ready for work, which was odd to begin with because he usually always took your birthday off but maybe he couldn’t get a substitute in time, but he didn’t even wish you a happy birthday. maybe he would text you later in the day? The hope of that gave you butterflies.
so you decided to get all dolled up, doing your hair and makeup, putting on your favorite outfit, and looking at yourself in the mirror you felt giddy and, flat out beautiful. the end of suga’s work day was coming and you couldn’t help from bouncing with excitement. until your phone buzzed.
[sugarcube<3]: hey bug, i’m gonna be home late. sorry.
your face fell. oh. okay. you texted him back that you understood and you loved him. a weight settled on your chest and you felt like you wanted to cry. no! no there wasn’t a reason to cry. you looked hot. texting your friend group, you wanted to see if any of them wanted to go out for food since you looked so good. one friend was busy but promised to pop by after work, and the other friend jumped into their car the moment the text was sent. the afternoon you spent with them was more than enough to make up for the shitty night ahead of you. still, even with the time spent with them, your mind raced with all the possibilities of what sugawara was going to do for your birthday. but the moment you walked in the door he still wasn’t home. you sighed and set your bag on the table and slumped into the couch. and you waited. and waited. and waited.
until koshi walked in the door at around 9 pm. you beamed, even though he looked extremely exhausted. you jumped off the couch to hug him tightly. but to your surprise he pushed you off him. a frown etched deep into your features.
“bub, not now,” sugawara huffed and walked past you to sit as his desk. you stared at him incredulously.
“but-” you started out and sugawara pinched his forehead.
“baby not now. i have so much work to get through,” he groaned. you couldn’t believe this. and then it dawned on you. he forgot. he forgot your birthday.
“baby it-”
“can’t you leave me alone when i ask?” sugawara snapped, looking at you with an intensity in his eyes. you wanted to cry, but you didn’t. instead you stared at him with wide eyes and opened your mouth to speak but no words came out.
“fine.” you squeaked and went to your room and slammed the door. suga sighed and pinched his forehead and went back to his work. time went on and there was a knock at your door. with tired limbs sugawara stood to answer the door, surprised to see your friend there with a bouquet of flowers.
“uh, hey?” sugawara greeted with a tilted head. your friend beamed and looked around.
“is y/n awake? she wanted to hang out earlier but i was busy. i feel shitty that i missed her birthday so i got her these to make up for it.” your friends smile was so bright, but suga’s dark face balanced it out at the word birthday. no. no no no no. today couldn’t be? it. it didn’t. fuck. it was your birthday and he missed it. swallowing back the guilt sugawara grabbed the flowers.
“actually she just went in for the night, but i’ll give her these in the morning, okay?” your friend nodded vigorously while suga’s brain rattled for ideas on how to make it up to you. sighing, he realized that he wasn’t gonna get any sleep this night.
you awoke the next morning with red cheeks and puffy eyes, remembering the night before. you couldn’t believe your birthday had been ruined so badly by the one you love. the smell of breakfast wafted through your nose and you blinked. huh? stumbling out of bed you walked into the kitchen of yours and sugawara’s shared apartment. you were shocked with the apartment covered in decorations, balloons and streamers. you couldn’t help but smile. what the hell was koshi up to? he walked up to you, wearing an apron and with a spatula in hand.
“good morning bubba!” sugawara beamed and pulled you into a hug. you wanted to be so happy with that was transpiring here but you still remembered the argument that happened last night, how cold koshi was with his words. so you didn’t hug back. “lovebug i’m so sorry i forgot your birthday and i’m even more sorry for how i treated you last night. you deserve so much better and i know that might not be me but i want to try. i-i have a whole day planned for you if you’ll have it.” you pulled away, crossing your arms under your chest. “i love you so much, please. i’m so sorry. answer me quickly or the pancakes will burn.” you couldn’t help but chuckle.
“okay suga, i’ll forgive you. on one condition.”
“anything! i’ll do anything.”
“you make today everything i’ve ever wanted and more,” you proposed and suga beamed, dropping the spatula and picking you up. he spun you around and pulled you in for a hundred kisses. you giggled and tried to wiggle out of his arms.
“of course! of course, that i can do, my love.” sugawara giggled and so did you.
“suga the pancakes.” you reminded.
“FUCK.”
oikawa
he was always so careful. he has 10000 reminders on his phone for everything so you never dreamed oikawa would ever forget your birthday
your birthday of all days.
and yet the entire day passed with nothing. no grand oikawa gesture nothing.
not even a ‘happy birthday i love you’ text.
so yes. you were fuming when you got the text he was spending extra time practicing today.
and his thick skull didn’t get it.
“i don’t understand why you’re so mad at me,” oikawa scoffed as you stood in the doorway preventing him from taking a shower. your arms are crossed and you stare at your boyfriend incredulously.
“you’re joking, right?” you ask with a scoff and oikawa rolls his chocolate eyes.
“i’m serious, y/n. you knew exactly what you were getting into by being with me at this time! i can’t drop everything to be with you 24/7 and you know this,” oikawa snapped, lip curling into a slight snarl.
“of course i did and i haven’t complained once, have i? i just want one, one, day alone with my boyfriend is that too much to ask of?” you barked, throwing your hands up in anger before they balled into fists at your side. you felt your face burning with an anger you haven’t felt before. “i dropped everything to come to argentina for you, tooru. once, just once i want you to be there for me!”
“first of all i didn’t ask you to come with me here you chose to do that. second i’m not putting my dreams on hold for you. you don’t understand how hard i have to work y/n!” oikawa growled, trying not to fiddle with his fingers. was he serious? was he genuinely serious about this?
“fuck you tooru. i came because i love you. guess that isn’t reciprocated. happy fucking birthday to me.” you rolled your eyes and pushed past oikawa. he should have been relieved but the moment the birthday bomb was dropped he froze and paled. oh no. oh no oh no oh no. he turned around and grabbed your wrist as you tried to walk away. “get off me oikawa.”
“baby i’m sorry please let me-” you tried to pull away from his grip but he was so much stronger than you. the longer he held your wrist the more you wanted to sob violently. “let me apologize i can’t believe i forgot your birthday and got in a silly argument with you. i’m so sorry my love please.” your silence spoke volumes. “i love you?” he tried again but you were still so quiet. he didn’t want to let you go but he did. he dropped your hand and you walked into your shared bedroom and sobbed into the pillow the moment you collapsed onto the bed. you can’t remember falling asleep but you did. you were woken up later by oikawa who was gently poking your shoulder. groggy, you rubbed your eyes and focused on your boyfriend who had flowers, teddy bears, and a goofy smile.
“you forgive me now?” he asked with a slight attitude. you wanted to say ‘no get the fuck out of my room’ but you looked around to see the room totally decked out with candles, flowers, decorations.
“when did you do this?” you asked slightly breathless. he chuckled.
“now’s not the time for silly questions, y/n! do you like it?” he asked, hand rising to cup your cheeks and run his thumb across your cheek, puffy and red eyes broke oikawa’s heart. you softly smiled.
“i do,” you confirmed which made oikawa beam.
“i love you so much, my dearest, darling y/n! making you cry and upset was the absolute last thing i’ve ever wanted to do. especially not on your birthday. please. can you ever forgive me?” he asked, all traces of teasing and playfulness gone from his voice. you bit your lower lip.
“of course. i love you tooru.”
akaashi
he’s been so busy lately.
a deadline had been creeping up on him and the days got longer and harder. he wouldn’t be in bed with you until around 2 am
you begged him to take a break. just one. but he couldn’t
but he finished! the day before your birthday, too!
and you couldn’t be more excited about it.
you woke up rather early that morning. seeing akaashi’s sleeping face next to you was the best birthday present you could have asked for. watching the gentle rise and fall of his chest was hypnotic. smiling, you brushed his raven locks out of his face so you could look at his sleeping features. eyelashes resting sweetly on the apples of rosy cheeks, mouth slightly agape as little snores fell past his lips. it’s been a while since you’ve seen him sleep this well and it made your heart flutter. usually you would have liked to been pampered on your birthday, but just this once you would make breakfast.
you were almost done with your cooking when akaashi rose from his slumber, hair messy and still looking rather exhausted. the table was set and he looked at you with a puzzled expression at the rather extravagant meal you were preparing.
“what is all this, my dove?” he asked, a slight rasp in his voice from having been just awoke from a deep, much needed, sleep. you beamed and giggled.
“just something special for this morning,” you sing songed, kissing akaashi’s cheek before finishing your set up and pouring him a cup of coffee, little cream and two sugars just the way he liked it. he smiled and took a sip, sleepiness wanting to over come him once more. sitting across from him at the table you couldn’t help but smile. this was your first meal, day together in months. except it was rather silent. though, it usually was like that. the nostalgia wafted over you and you smiled. breakfast was over before you knew it and akaashi leaned back in his chair with a full tummy, sleepiness starting to take over his limbs.
“wanna help me clean?” you suggested with a smile. he sighed and stood up.
“i suppose so.” keiji sighed and helped you clean in silence. you puffed your cheeks in a frown.
“i was thinking, tonight we could go out and see that new movie and get some dinner? does that sound fun?” your smile was bright, almost too bright for akaashi, who winced a little.
“honey i’m so tired, i’d rather not go and do anything today,” he admitted, drying the dishes. you frowned deeply.
“but, ‘kaashi, I thought it would be fun to do something together. it’s been so long...” you suddenly felt meek as you wrapped your arms around yourself.
“pumpkin we can do something another time,” akaashi sighed. “i really need to get some more sleep.” he pressed a kiss to your forehead and went back into the room. did he seriously forget? as you watched his figure disappear the dam broke and tears fell. you lay on the couch and took a deep breath.
akaashi woke up again with a phone call. groaning he looked at the caller id to see it was bokuto. he answered. “what bokuto-san?”
“hey hey hey!” his enthusiasm was even more upsetting over the call. he just wanted some sleep. “did y/n get the gift i sent for their birthday? i was hoping it would arrive on the actual day so i’m really hoping it is here now!” akaashi’s heart stopped. birthday? was it today? he usually remembered why didn’t he remember.
“i’m not sure we haven’t checked the mail today,” akaashi gulped, a slight crack in his voice.
“damn it,” bokuto whined. “okay well. any special plans for them today?” bokuto asked with a slight wiggle of his eyebrows that akaashi could feel over the phone.
“a few,” he lied, brushing through his hair with his fingers working up the courage to go out and face you again. “and i have to go to enact them so i’ll speak to you later bokuto-san.” akaashi breathed and hung up the phone. he walked into the living room with pensive steps to see you laying on the couch, asleep, with a tear stained face. he knelt next to the couch and started rubbing your side to try and wake you up. “pumpkin? babygirl? dove... wake up.” his voice penetrated your dream so you awoke, rubbing your eyes.
“what is it, keiji.” you asked with a bite.
“go get ready i’m taking you out.” akaashi demanded.
“but i thought you were tired?” you asked with a roll of your eyes.
“i am. but it is your birthday. so whatever my dove wants is what we’ll do,” he pulled you into his arms as you sat up. smiling you sobbed into his chest.
“i thought you forgot.” you admitted through tears.
“i could never.” that was extremely close, akaashi keiji. never make this mistake again.
#sugawara#sugawara x reader#sugawara koushi#oikawa#oikawa x reader#oikawa toru#akaashi#akaashi x reader#akaashi keiji#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu angst
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I wanna hear your take on Benlie and/or Benkai. You don’t have to ship them, just say a few things you could have done to make them smoother and healthier, friendship or romance. You could even have both if you have an idea on a better, cleaner break up story.
Ok, so I’m a Benlie person, 100%, and while I don’t ship Ben and Kai, I definitely think they deserved to be handled better. So I have rewritten how those relationships, along with a few others of Ben’s love life, have gone, and I’ll share it here. Warning, this does get a bit long, and does have some violence at a certain point, but I hope you enjoy my take on it!
So the start of Ben and Julie’s relationship in Alien Force is mostly the same, though I did adjust it that they somewhat knew each other before hand, having seen each other in school, especially since Ben’s soccer practice took place at the same time and same kind of area as the girl’s tennis practice.
Ben asks her out, Ship appears and becomes her pet, Julie starts understanding the alien better, sees Ben have 14 moth children, the basic stuff from canon. However, my major changes start during season 3 of Alien Force, the part of the series that took quite the nose dive in terms of character arcs. I still have it that Ben and Julie start to have issues and argue, but in believable ways, and they still clearly love each other.
The issues arise when Ben does start to get cocky a little, due to all the praise he’s getting from saving the galaxy from the High-Breed, and his accomplishment surrounding that are huge, since he hasn’t won something like that before. Again, doesn’t help that half the galaxy keeps praising him and treating him like a God, but Ben does still be a hero, and even starts to get anxieties since now he’s starting to deal with bigger issues, more people demanding for him to help their planets around the galaxy, and Ben wants to be that hero for them...but there is only so much he can do.
He does love the admiration from everyone, feeling special and all that, but he does start to make him feel different, in and odd way...He’s struggle to connect with his human grounds now, due to constantly turning into aliens and spending time out in space, his relationship with earth just isn’t the same anymore. And even them, aliens around him treat him as something else too, like he’s not human or an alien, he’s something else, and not knowing what makes him nervous. To mask all of these fears, he uses his over-confident nature like a mask, and it does get pretty bad for a month or two until Gwen, Julie and Kevin make him see reason.
Meanwhile, Julie is struggling in her own right after the High-Breed war. She was happy to have fought in it to protect her home and people, but after seeing a proper glimpse of the alien worlds outside of earth...she will admit that scares her. She didn’t go off world like when Kevin, Gwen and Ben did, mostly waiting for them on earth and did missions there with them, even lending them Ship when they needed it. While she didn’t judge Ben and was willing to live with idea of aliens after their first date, like adopting Ship, she still have a lot to process about there being alien life. It’s much harder on her than it was for Ben, because he learnt about it when he was young, his entire family knew about it and could support him through it, and even the Omnitrix provided better understandings for him.
Julie...she didn’t have any of that. It was just her dad, Ship and her, and while Ship was a good start, he was still just one tiny piece of the outside world around her. She knew she’d have to accept it over time, now that she knew the truth, and especially when earth starts learning that truth too, but at times it felt like she wasn’t allowed to process. She doesn’t blame Ben for it, as he’s so use to it all by now, but there have been many moments where he seems to forget she is very early to this whole alien concept compared to him.
She was afraid she couldn’t catch up, and even has moments where she didn’t want to take a step forward, afraid of what she might find. So she started joining less and less missions with Ben, Gwen and Kevin, and while she still hanged out with them, she tried not to get involved with their alien business. She will admit, maybe a part of her wished she didn’t know about alien life at times, to have a life back when things seemed more simple.
So these deep feelings from both Ben and Julie spark arguments, because both are unsure with themselves, thus unsure in relationships with others, especially each other, with Julie thinking she couldn’t keep up with Ben, and Ben thinking he couldn’t slow down for her. And it all eventually led to a point where things had to stop...
And unlike Omniverse’s god awful handle of the break up, I instead had it like this. Julie is the one who starts the conversation, having called Ben over to her. She’s honest with him, saying that it’s just not working out, and that they should find different people that work for them. Ben does beg a little at first, saying he’ll try better, but Julie knows that right now they can’t be a happy couple and need space, and Ben eventually agrees, but it still hurts.
It hurts more when Gwen and Kevin leave too, and Julie also goes on a tennis tournament in France, so Ben has to deal with the loneliness he feels for a while, even when Rook joins his side. Meanwhile, Julie meets Herve in France, who was taking photographs for sport magazines. The two talk and eventually hit it off, Julie somewhat clinging a little as Herve is very much the down to earth and normal human guy she thought she wanted, someone who wasn’t related to any alien business. She does miss Ben, a part of her not letting go, and while the two agreed to remain friends, they did drift a little over time. They would still voice chat, send some text and Ben would check up on her tournaments when he could, but both of their lives got rather busy and they drifted away for a couple of months, though still dearly missing each other.
Ben takes his time to heal, still dealing with all the other problems he’s facing, especially the whole “Am I human, am I alien, am I something else?” and “How much of a hero am I without the watch?”. His friendship with Rook grows pretty well, and he settles somethings with Gwen and Kevin since they moved to university. So most relationships of his are going well, expect for romantic relationships...
He struggles to settle and commit to most of them, and mostly dates around for a bit, spending some time with people like Looma, Rook Shar, even Attea on one date. He does eventually settle with Ester for a bit, and the two seem like a good match. Both fun loving, eager for adventure, and enjoy each other’s company. And Ben did try and make it work, he really did, Ester was a great girl and he wanted the best for her but...again, it was hard for them to keep up with each other. Ester is a girl full of energy, and very much wants to do something 24/7, and while she doesn’t fault Ben, she will admit she does get lonely when he spends so much time off on missions she can’t join in, and the two break it off when Ben couldn’t be what she needed. But they are still close friends and hang out pretty often.
Again, alone in his love life, Ben felt hopeless in it. Was he cursed to be single for the rest of his life? So when Kai came back into his life, his first proper crush he can remember, he will admit that maybe he jumped into things too quickly. There was no Kenny time traveling nonsense in this version, no fate tying to together, rather just two young teens jumping into a relationship neither ended up wanting. But they stuck with it for a while because they felt like they had to, despite the arguments and bickering. Both were scared to be alone, as Ben couldn’t lose another girlfriend, and Kai realized just how lonely her work made her feel. They didn’t hate each other, they just weren’t in love.
It didn’t help that, since Julie returned to Bellwood with Herve, Ben felt jealous at Herve. Which annoyed him, because Herve was actually a really nice person, and gave Julie a lot of love. Really, it was more Ben angry at himself that he couldn’t provide the things Julie needed...And while Julie and Ben did talk and hang out from time to time, Ben was distance often, even when Julie reached out to him. It was just...seeing her so happy, living a normal life, Ben didn’t want to taint that with his presence.
It wasn’t until one fateful day that things started to turn around, though the start was pretty bad. It was another day, another fight with Vilgax, who was rampaging through the streets, clashing with Plumbers, Ben and Rook. Julie and Herve had been nearby when it started, and the two decided to help get civilians to safety, splitting up at one point to cover more ground. Julie ran into Rook and Ben, who tried to usher Julie away, but unfortunately Vilgax noticed her, and saw Ben’s panic of worry for Julie to run. It didn’t take long for Vilgax to remember who this young teenage girl was, and decided to use her as hostage against Ben. Seeing his arch nemesis using someone he secretly still loved as hostage, not to mention he had a pretty bad week before hand, Ben just...kind of snapped. He didn’t go easy on Vilgax for once, switching between multiple aliens rapidly to stomp Vilgax into the ground. (Side Note: I have the headcanon that, while Ben can do rapid transformation, if he does so many in a short amount of time, he does get a mild side affect of his emotions being amplified, due to his brain having tumbled around from the quick transformations.)
By the time the Plumbers and Rook arrived, the two city blocks had been trashed and Vilgax was burred into the road. Due to the side affect of multi rapid transformations, Ben was protectively holding onto Julie, who had passed out from some injures from Vilgax (Nothing major, but the stress of it did make her lose conscious). They managed to pry Julie away, while Ben was taken away to calm down, needing to give his body and mind for a rest.
Julie was taken to a Plumber hospital, and she woke up fairly soon with mild injures that wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to heal over the next few weeks. Many visited her, including Herve, her dad, Gwen and Kevin, along with Ship her stayed by her the entire time. It took a long while for Ben to show up, mostly because he was nervous and felt ashamed by how he acted, but Gwen gave him a good peep talk and convinced him to go.
It started off a little awkward, but simple, Ben checking how she was feeling, with her also making sure he was ok too. They catched up a bit, even laughing over some old memories, which eventually lead into a small discussion about their past relationship, both finally properly apologizing for how they acted, even clearly up a few things that were worried over, like Ben admitting that he had been avoiding Julie because he thought it was better for her, and not because he hated her or anything. Buttt, one thing lead to another and well...the two kissed in the heat of the moment, both going in for it, and for a few seconds it was bliss...until they both realized what they were doing, and understanding that one, Julie was still dating Herve, and second, Ben was still dating Kai. Flustered, Ben rushed out of there, with Julie panicking over what they did.
The two keep it a secret, not wanting people to know what happened between them, and when Julie got out of the hospital, they kind of awkwardly avoided each other, needing to think about things. They clearly still held feelings, but they were both dating other people and were scared to mess up with each other again. Cue them somehow almost always bumping into each other, like the gods themselves were trying to make them suffer, and their feelings becoming more and more obvious, but neither making a move of any kind.
Ben confides in Kevin, Gwen and Rook, even admitting to his feelings and the kiss to them, and while they give him advice, they know it’s up to him and Julie to sort things out.
But Ben avoids it again, not ready and unsure in himself. He already messed up many relationships before hand, including with Julie, so what if it all went downhill again...And Julie questioned herself, she had been avoiding space and alien life for so long, thinking it would make her happy, but she starts to realize that no...it’s not making her happy, trying to deny something outside of her bubble just wasn’t working anymore, especially with her feelings towards Ben.
However, after some long thinking, Ben decides to at least do one thing. So he organizes a get together with Kai at a cafe, needing to talk to her. The two have a sit down and Ben explains that this relationship isn’t working, and that they shouldn’t keep trying to make something that isn’t there to happen. Kai agrees, both feeling some stress loosen from their shoulders, and they still decide to be friends, feeling much more comfortable with a relationship like that, even sharing a nice hot chocolate together at the cafe. And so while Ben goes to deal with the other problem in his love life, Kai may or may not end up catching up with Ester in the process~
While Ben makes plans on what to do next, he and Rook are ended up being called over to a Plumber Prison base, to make plans to move Vilgax finally. Little did they know, Vilgax prepared for this. You see, a part of him already knew he’d be capture again, sent to this base to await movement, so the last time he was here, he built up some allies on the inside, and eventually the outside. He also knew Ben would show up, so he made a plan to make sure the Omnitrix wouldn’t get in the way. After how Ben stomped him into the streets before, Vilgax was looking for some nasty revenge. Not really kill Ben...but something more traumatic.
So when Ben and Rook show up, surprise surprise, Vilgax isn’t in his cell. While Rook talks to some of the guards, Ben searches Vilgax’s cell for clues, only for it to suddenly turn on, along with it’s defenses, including an electric shock that surprises Ben, and causes the watch to bug out, unable to be used. Rook check on Ben, but next thing anyone knows, alarms start blaring and almost all cells open, and prisoners start running while. Since Ben’s watch is down, and many people here hate him, Rook wants to keep him safe and tries to escort off the base. But Ben being Ben, he wanted to help, and rushed off to try and help some injured guards here and there, with Rook following.
However, some prisoners, who were secretly working under Vilgax, skillfully guide Rook and Ben away from each other, and eventually trap Ben in a lone room, but not by himself. There, Vilgax was waiting for him, and since Ben didn’t have the watch to help, he was screwed. Vilgax knocked him around a few times, though being careful enough to not instantly kill Ben with his strength, before deciding finally to make the hero suffer. (Warning here for those who are squeamish) He does so but taking the tip of one of his claws, and dragging it down Ben’s arms, damaging his nerves. He would have done more, if not for Rook, the guards and some Plumber bursting in and chasing him off, saving Ben before he could bleed out, but the boy did pass out and wouldn’t wake up for a long while.
People were, of course, scared...particularly Ben’s friends and family, who visited him everyday, mostly Max and surprisingly Azmuth, who also fixed the watch to help in Ben’s recovery. Gwen and Kevin ended up being the ones to inform Julie what happened, when she noticed Ben wasn’t around, and hearing that Ben almost died...it scared Julie. She didn’t want to lose him, of course, but also the idea that he could have died while they still had issues to fix...she didn’t want it to end like that, for things to be so messy and unclear.
So when Herve saw her look down and upset, and getting her to explain what happened to Ben, the two talked. Herve admits that for a while he knew Julie still had feelings for Ben, and could tell that things weren’t so cut and dry between them, especially when he got to met Ben himself. He also admits that maybe Julie and Herve are, in a way, maybe a little too perfect for each other. Their relationship is stagnant at times, with not a lot of growth because never healthy challenges the other. So with no hard feelings whatsoever, Herve says that if Julie wants too, the two can break up but still remain friends, and Julie thanks him, agreeing too and even asking that she hopes he can still be her photographer. And for the next few weeks, Julie visits Ben with some of the others from time to time, hoping he’ll be ok so they can talk...
Eventually, Ben wakes up, Azmuth having been there when he did so, and helps to catch the young boy up on what happened. Ben notices that, while his arms have been healing finely enough, his nerves are a little slow in the process, having not fully recovered, shown by him unable to keep his arms and hands steady, constantly shaking when moving them. It scares him, even when Azmuth reassures him that they’ll heal thanks to the watch...Ben just can’t help but feel like if they don’t heal, then he may have to give up the hero business in the end, even if that’s just his fears playing tricks on him.
So during his recovery, people come visit him, making sure he’s ok. Until eventually, Julie shows up, wanting to make sure he’s ok, and knowing they had to talk. They couldn’t keep putting it off, especially after something like this, and Ben finally agrees to stop running and to finally clear things out. They discuss a little more about their past relationship, about their insecurities during it, and where they go from here, both mentioning they’ve broken up with Herve and Kai.
They talk some more, relaxing in each other’s company, and admit to their feelings, both deep down knowing they want to give it another go. And since they’ve had time apart, learnt from new experiences, they decide that maybe they can try, taking it slow and see where it will go. And the two kiss, and for once in a very long time...it feels right.
As said, they take things slow, and after everything that happened in the past few years, things actually go well for them. There are, of course, hiccups there and here, but they’re matured enough to know how to talk things through, and solve problems together.
Ben does start to recover more and leave the hospital, and while he nerves aren’t fully healed by them, they will eventually. And while the two go one small dates during his healing, catching up and being blissfully happy with each other, they end up bumping into Kai and Ester, who appear to also be dating now. One thing led to another and the four end up going on double dates fairly often, having fun times together, Ben 100% supporting his two exs dating, seeing how happy they are. Julie, Ester and Kai even like to share cheesy stories of when Ben was their boyfriend, and he loves to play alone with it too.
And that, is my take on Ben and Julie’s relationship! 💚💗
#Dear god I didn't mean to make this so long...#But I didn't know how to shorten it#So cheers to those that actually read this whole thing#Hope you enjoy#Ben 10#ben 10 alien force#ben 10 ultimate alien#ben 10 omniverse#B10#ben tennyson#julie yamamoto#Kai Green#Ester#Ben 10 Benlie#Benlie#EsterXKai#KaiXEster#Ben 10 Rewrite#My Answers
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Problematic Faves Cliffs Notes: Harvey Dent/Two-Face
Batman (1980) #329
Summary: Once a crusading district attorney that worked alongside Batman and Jim Gordon to fight crime – now the duality-obsessed super criminal known as Two-Face.
Harvey Dent also serves as a dark reflection of Batman's own struggles living a dual life with conflicting identities.
Main Goal: To enact his own justice whilst committing crimes.
Fears: Uncertainty, himself in general [the things he's capable of, specifically], losing control, his loved ones dying, his darker half discovering Bruce's secret identity [Detective Comics (2016) #1021], Renee Montoya's rejection [Batman: No Man's Land, novel], and the Joker [Joker (2008), only].
Mindset: Sees himself bound by fate and its will. As a result of Harvey's black-and-white worldviews, he considers his two-headed (scarred on one side) silver dollar a truly objective instrument of justice due to it only yielding two simple, 50/50 outcomes at the end of every coin toss.
"Some people go to the beach to forget their problems. They can watch the waves for hours. I understand the fascination.
There's a pattern – then there is no pattern.
It's the same with the coin. We want it all to mean something – we want to find the pattern – but in the final analysis, it's just waves."
— Harvey Dent, Secret Origins Special (1989) #1
•••
"He was always interested in the law – some might say obsessed. Man's law gave order to Harvey's world – they delineated the parameters of right and wrong, good and evil. They gave him something to believe in."
— Gilda Dent, Secret Origins Special (1989) #1
•••
Hugo Strange: Let's go back further, you were a rising star, a beacon of light for this city. A white knight riding in to save it with the Dark Knight not far behind.
Harvey Dent: You can leave him out of this. He is wrong. They all are. No one understands the beauty of fate's hand. I am grateful to Falcone. He gave me a clarity; a purity that few will know. Everything boils down to a simple choice, this way or that way, good... or bad.
Hugo Strange: Do you really believe that?
Harvey Dent: How could I not?
— Batman: Arkham City
•••
Batman: If you pull the trigger, how are you different from the Roman?
Harvey Dent: That's Jim Gordon talking. You know the system doesn't work. That justice can be decided like the flip of a coin.
— The Long Halloween
•••
"You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time... but you were wrong! The world is cruel. And the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased, unprejudiced, fair."
— Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight
•••
"Life's a lottery, Holman. It's chance that decides who lives and who dies. Who gets cancer. Which kid is born with spina bifida. Who gets run over by a truck.
This [the coin] is what decides whether or not I blow your wife's brains out."
— Harvey Dent, Joker's Asylum: Two-Face #1
Teen Titans Spotlight (1987) #13
Character Traits:
🌗 Loving • Idealistic • Genuine • Principled • Resolute • Focused • Driven • Workaholic • Passionate • Eloquent • Wrathful • Obssessed • Brooding • Self-loathing • Black-and-white thinking • Dauntless • Fair • Honest (generally) • Man of his word • Learned helplessness (regarding the coin and his choices) • Self-destructive • Unpredictable • Hair-trigger temper • Can be persuaded • Charitable (depends on coin toss) • Takes his pain out on others • Self-enabling • Serious • Harsh • Intimidating • Vengeful • Physically violent • Self-aware • Conflicted • Feels remorse • Tries, but fails to improve as a person • Too Dependent on his coin • Fatalistic • Suicidal • Forgiving • Self-centered, but not selfish 🌗
Key Facts:
Harvey Dent...
• Had mental health issues long before his disfigurement [Batman Annual (1990 #14, Batman: The Animated Series - Episode 10, and Batman: Arkham City].
• His father physically abused him every day as a child. Christopher Dent used a double-headed coin to make Harvey believe he could "avoid" the beatings if the coin landed on the non-existent "tails" [Batman Annual #14].
• Bruce Wayne was his childhood friend [Rebirth universe & Batman: Nightwalker].
• Harvey "Legal Eagle" Dent was the top of his class [Secret Origins Special (1989) #1].
• Paid for his father's nice apartment [Batman: Two-Face (1995) - Crime & Punishment].
• Half of Harvey wanted to love his father, while the other half wished him dead. Despite everything, he tried to make peace with Christopher prior to the acid attack [Batman Annual #14].
• Never stopped loving/thinking about Gilda Dent when she disappeared from his life following the events of the Long Halloween [Batman (2006) #653 & Batman (2011) #712].
What's more, Harvey continued loving Gilda so much that he wound up murdering her second husband's killer in a pre-Long-Halloween continuity [Batman (1980) #329] because the man's death left Gilda grieving.
• Fun fact: The Power of Love helped him resist Poison Ivy's pheromones in the Dark Victory #11!
Begone, thot!
• Blamed Batman for what happened to him with Salvatore Maroni Carmine Falcone and the acid attack that scarred his face [Batman: Arkham Knight].
• Uses his coin to determine whether he should kill or spare his victims. Also, he has been known to perform acts of charity [Detective Comics (1942) #66 & Batman: The Silver Age Newspaper Comics Volume 3 (1969-1972)] sometimes.
• Loves and hates Gotham [Batman and Robin (2013) #23.1].
• Dislikes hypocrites [Batman: Two-Face (1995) - Crime and Punishment & The Spectre (2001) #5].
• Developed strong feelings for Renee Montoya in the Batman: No Man's Land storyline.
• Continued caring about Renee deeply, despite the events of Gotham Central (2003) #10 [Convergence: The Question #1-2].
Received training from Batman [Batman #653] and Deathstroke [Deathstroke (2018) #38].
• Has tried growing better as a person, but he keeps failing [Batman Annual #14 & Batman and Robin Adventures (1995) #1-2].
• Has re-scarred himself more than once [Batman Annual #14, Batman #653, and Batman: Black and White (1996) #1].
• For all his faults and crimes – such as nearly beating Dick Grayson to death in Robin: Year One – he has helped people [The Batman Chronicles (1999) #16], defended Jim Gordon from himself as Jim's defense lawyer [Detective Comics (1999) #739], cares about the women in his life, and keeps his word when the coin comes up good.
He is a complex character, period.
Other Facts:
• Has seen Cocteau's "Beauty and the Beast" [Batman (1986) #397].
• Knows how to sculpt [Detective Comics (1986) #563].
• Owns a "thememobile" like Batman [Batman (1987) #410]!
• Likes baseball [Batman (1987) #411].
• Likes symmetry [Batman (1989) #442].
Smokes, but also doesn't [Batman (1994) #513].
"My own version of the literary reference mark known as a diesis – more commonly known as a double-dagger! My next pair shall strike to the heart of the matter!" — Harvey Dent, Batman: Two-Face Strikes Twice #1 – the words of a man who certainly reads a lot!
Batman Annual #14 & Teen Titans Spotlight #13 – A himbo he is not!
• Reads classic books such as "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" [Detective Comics #66] and "A Tale of Two Cities" [Batman: Two-Face Strikes Twice #2].
• Still finds putting criminals behind bars fun [Batman Gotham Adventures (1999) #12].
• Can speak Spanish [The Batman Chronicles #16].
• Doesn't mind hitting women at all. There are so many examples of this; Harvey confirmed it himself [Batman: Streets of Gotham (2009) #7], and beat up Jim Gordon's wife in Batman (1999) #572.
• Made a self-insert comic book in an art therapy program. Yup, he wrote and drew it himself [Detective Comics (2001) #753]!
Called it "The Adventures of Copernicus Dent and His Best Girl and Plucky Assistant R'Nee!"
• Plays chess with Batman [Gotham Knights (2002) #32].
• Has watched Star Trek [Nightwing (2008) #150].
• Fought and killed a werewolf [The 2008 DC Universe Halloween Special]. Yes, really.
• Was a cult leader [Detective Comics (2020) #1020].
• Rebirth!Harvey is now working as a jailhouse lawyer in Blackgate [Detective Comics (2020) #1024].
• Understands how binary code works, but computer geeks make him sick? [Robin (1994) #11] Yeah.
• Has kids. Twins! [Batman: Two-Faces Strikes Twice]. It looks like they're irrelevant.
• Remembered Renee's birthday and sent her tulips [Detective Comics (2000) #747].
• Has been a judge before [The New Batman Adventures - Episode 24 & Arkham Unhinged (2013) #11].
• Hates odd-numbers [Robin: Year One #2].
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Hi bestie :) I have suffered from a deep depression twice in the last two years and a half, once lasted for months and the other one a little more than a month… so my experience with that and with therapy is that depression is far more than just being sad (you are right)
There are other symptoms of depression that are a little more unnoticeable, some of the ones I experienced the most were: difficulty falling asleep (it could be insomnia, a way of SH, anxiety, or just not “tired), lost interest in things I really like (hobbies, movies, music), I felt emotionally drained all the time so there was a point I was beyond sad, I felt nothing (no joy, no sadness, no anger) , I felt my life and everything I did like studying had no meaning so it became really hard for me to do basic things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth, and I was tired all the time, all I wanted to do was lay on my bed or the floor and stare at the ceiling, literally do nothing I was exhausted 24/7 . And something that happened to me with high functioning anxiety was that despite all these things I kept doing my homework and going out. But I felt like I was like existing, did those things just because I had to.
Im sorry you feel this way 🥺 but it’s okay to not feel joy 24/7. Social media wants to make us forget that life isn’t perfect, we are still in the middle of a pandemic. And it’s double hard now because we are starting to come back to “Normal life” but many things have changed. It’s okay to feel this way, and I know you might feel like you are the only one but I feel a lot of young people are feeling the same way (I do). Give yourself time to feel exhausted and I hope life gives you the time you need to rest and recharge your life battery.
I had been in therapy for almost three years now and there are some coping mechanism I have learned: when I feel like I’m sliding back to darkness I do two things: write down everything I’m feeling or thinking (I sometimes write poems but most of the time I write emails to Harry (yes, Harry Styles), I have this email account just for that so at least once a week I write to Harry about my life and how I feel, I send them to the same account so I know he will never read them but he’s my comfort person and imagining what he would write back makes me feel better) and second I do something, anything, it could be as little as throwing my dirty clothes to the laundry basket or cooking myself a meal or doing a craft, anything that activates me for a little bit.
If after those two things I’m still feeling like shit I watch a comfort movie. I also surround myself with comfort objects like laying down hugging a teddy bear my grandma gifted to me when I was really young or wear the Harry’s cardigan I knitted myself (I feel him close to me that way). It can be anything but just having a meaningful object close grounds me.
I’ve never been very good with words but I hope this had helped. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, your emotions are valid and you don’t owe anybody an explanation of why you feel what you feel. Sometimes we forget how much power we hold within us, but I know in my heart we are survivors and no matter what life turns out to be it too shall pass. Take one day at the time and give yourself permission to feel whether it’s sadness, joy or nothing at all. I send you all my love 💛
Remember Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
the thing about having trouble falling asleep is the exact opposite for me. like i can sleep all day and still be tired because i'm sleeping too much but i'm just so tired.
when you said you write emails to Harry, i started to cry. like that is the best idea and i wish there was a way to have someone, it wouldn't even have to be the real Harry, just reply back and act as him to cure my loneliness.
and i should mention i have severe adhd and the brain of someone who has adhd lacks the normal amounts of dopamine. therefore i don't find pleasure in normal tasks which sucks. that's why adhd meds have similar ingredients as drugs that increase joy in ones brain. like meth.
oh and i do have social anxiety
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1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30-Epilogue
Lucy POV. TW: Panic Attack, Mental trauma/coping, PTSD
The university and Lucy’s professors had been really wonderful about everything, even offering to convert her classes to an online option so she could continue. She wasn’t happy about the idea of taking a sabbatical from college, but there was no way she could manage. Not only was it difficult for her to leave the apartment because seeing anyone that remotely resembled Touka sent her into a panic attack, focusing on anything at all was a struggle. Night after night it haunted her dreams and spilled into her waking moments. She’d run scenarios through her mind, all the what if’s, should haves, could haves, often leading to horrifying outcomes. They’d survived, yes, but at what cost?
She didn’t feel the same anymore as if a part of her did die in that apartment or fled to a hidden part of her brain too scared to come back out. The once happy, positive person had become a nervous wreck unable to control her emotions or outbursts. Lucy’s bedroom became her safe zone from everyone, even those closest to her, ashamed and insecure of their judgement. In her heart she knew friends like Levy or Natsu wouldn’t judge... but tell that to her broken mind, because her brain was the one in control at the moment, and insisted they’d look down on her.
All the irrational thoughts. It was her fault for not being careful, her fault she was kidnapped. Lucy knew Touka was growing dangerous, yet walking alone, at night... utterly stupid. She should have been overzealous at protecting herself, but oh no, stupid girl didn’t want to believe anything would actually happen. Until it did. And now she was even more pathetic and weak for not getting a hold of her emotions, for not controlling it instead of it controlling her. The danger had passed. They were alive. Touka was in jail. It should be over, but it wasn’t. Lucy couldn’t move past that night, stuck in an endless loop of fear. So many nights she’d wake up in a panic covered in sweat, the fading images of red... blood... like dripping down a tv screen in a horror movie. It was Natsu’s blood she saw and his screams when the knife had sliced him open.
The first week after the event had been difficult, sitting through an interview with Gajeel, and reliving all the mental wounds. It took several hours to get through it all despite the man doing his best to go easy on her. Each time painful parts came up, Lucy felt the anxieties rise, the mental blurring, the shaking, literally a physical shaking of her body in an effort to dispel the rise of adrenaline coursing through her veins. Interviews are best done without any other potential witnesses in the room to avoid cross contamination, but after Lucy’s first two attempts to talk to investigators failed, Gajeel was forced to allow Natsu in with explicit instructions to sit quietly and say nothing while the woman talked. Of course, Natsu’d been fine with that, he’d do anything to help, even if it was just holding Lucy’s hand. But it only added to her embarrassment. Surely Natsu will eventually tire of having an unstable girlfriend.
Then there was the therapist Levy helped Lucy to find which she hoped would help her to quickly get over the events and move on. So, when the woman explained that such traumas take patience and time to process, Lucy was devastated. It almost felt like nothing was going her way anymore, falling dominoes with no end in sight. She felt so ashamed for having to see the woman in the first place, and now she’s told it would be a long journey towards recovery. Just great! What’s next?!
“Lu?” Levy knocked before opening the bedroom door. “Are you gonna eat your dinner in here again? It’s ready.”
With the curtains drawn, Lucy’s room was dark and the only light available was a small desk lamp next to the bed set to a low setting. She peeked out from under her blanket. “I-I’ll come out in a minute, thanks Lev.”
As soon as her friend closed the door, Lucy exhaled in relief. She knew Levy was worried about the amount of time she stayed holed up in the room, so to dispel some of those concerns, Lucy would join her roommate for meals. She quickly applied a gauze wrap, threw on her long sleeve hoodie, and left the room. It made her feel safer to be shrouded and covered up, so gone were her skirts and tank tops, and hello to long sleeves and pants. If she could cover her face from the world, it would make her happy. Even her overall hygiene suffered. Lucy would forget to bathe or wash her hair for days on end, and it took Levy or Natsu with gentle prodding to get her to do it. She would wear the same clothes for a week if it wasn’t for Levy who made sure she changed at least every couple of days. Hell, she’d starve if her roommate wasn’t feeding her. This was a frustrating cycle, not having the mental energy to take care of herself, then feeling bad because they had to help her with things, which made her feel even worse.
It tore at Lucy’s heart to watch Natsu going through this process with her. She knew he was going through his own struggles, not just mental, but physically healing from his wounds. And here she was, the basket case of instability. Bless him, he never gave up no matter how distant she grew, but after that night, Lucy really didn’t want to talk about anything out loud, not that night, and certainly not the true extent of her pain from it. Both Levy and Natsu knew only what she couldn’t hide from them. Like the panic attacks, and since she really didn’t want them to see her go through one or what she’d resorted to, to calm herself, so the safest solution was stay quiet and not trigger them in their presence.
To show his dedication, Natsu even went with her to her therapy sessions and waited outside the office. Lucy knew it was costing him money to do this, because she couldn’t ride a train which meant cab rides every single trip. It bothered her a lot, but she did her best to hide it, and besides there was one small measure of security in having him at her side when she needed to venture out into the public.
“So, the nightmares are still a problem?” the therapist questioned Lucy. “Are you sure you don’t want to try a medication? It would help to ease them until we can get things under control.”
Lucy gripped to the hem of her sweater. “I just don’t wanna become addicted to that stuff...”
“That’s understandable. But not all are addictive, and I’ll be here to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand.”
“I... I don’t think I’m ready.”
“Okay, that’s fine,” the woman smiled. “Remember I’m just here to help you, at your pace. I won’t force you take anything you don’t want to.”
“Thank you.”
“What about the breathing and relaxation techniques? When you feel the anxiety rising, are you trying out the steps?”
“I try... I don’t think I’m very successful at it.”
“Does it work sometimes?”
Lucy pauses for a few seconds in thought before nodding yes.
“See, that is progress!” The woman encouraged excitedly. “Two weeks ago, it didn’t help at all, and now it works sometimes. It’s a big step forward Lucy.”
“Doesn’t feel like it is...” Lucy mumbled.
“I know it’s hard to see it for yourself, and that’s okay. These things take time and practice. Do you remember what I said about these things?”
“Not really.” Which was true. During the first week when the therapist explained the processes, Lucy had stopped listening as soon as the woman said it would take time.
“Let me ask you a question. You like to write stories, right?”
“Yeah.”
“When you first started, were you able to just write perfect stories.”
“Pfft, no.”
“Then how did you get better at it?”
Lucy rolled her eyes, knowing where this was going. “Practice.”
“Yes! The PTSD requires learning new coping skills as well as unlearning irrational ones. To do both takes practice. The more we work at it, the easier it will get, I promise. One day you’ll be able to look back at this experience and feel stronger for it.”
She really wanted to believe the woman, but it was so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Tears well up in Lucy’s eyes, seconds before they start to flow down her cheeks. “Why is this so hard?! I just wanna get back to normal!” She could feel her anxieties rising. “I... I-I don’t wanna talk about it anymore! I just wanna forget it ever happened!”
The woman reached over and took Lucy’s hand, applying a strategic amount of pressure while rubbing her thumb over the webbing in a counter stimulus. She softened in tone. “I wish I could say that would work, but in order to get past it, you need to confront it. Together we’re gonna turn the boogieman into Casper the friendly ghost.”
It was such a weird way of putting things, it caused Lucy’s mind to snap out of the anxiety and snort a sniffling laugh in response. “Casper the friendly ghost?!”
“It was the first thing to pop into my mind,” the therapist laughed too. “The point is, we’re going to work together and slowly bring you to a place where this no longer scares you.”
“O-Okay...”
The rest of the session was tough, and Lucy had come close to a panic attack several times, but as a trained therapist, the woman stepped in at the right times to bring her levels down again using breaks and breathing routines. Sure, with a professional in front of you, it wasn’t as bad, but doing this on her own, the attacks were still winning. At the end of the session, the woman suggested a new technique to try out based on Lucy’s love of writing.
“You’ve heard of art therapy, so just think of this as a different form of creative therapy. Writing a diary is helpful to get out your feelings out in a healthy way. But let’s take it one step forward to use your skills in fiction writing. I want you to try before the next session, writing a story where you interject your emotions, feelings, whatever you want into the characters and story. Kind of like your character becomes you, but now you get to control what happens to them after the trauma they endure.”
“Wait, so you want me to write about a character that goes through what I went through?! Like torture my own character?!”
“Yes, to put it bluntly. Take your pain and unleash it onto the fictional character. It’s a much healthier way of releasing your anger or frustration in something that can’t really be hurt. Do whatever you want to them. But remember you also get to give them the ending you want to. It’s about utilizing a tool you’re already comfortable with and taking back some control. It’ll be normal if you cry, scream, and get upset through the process, but that’s okay, because instead of holding it all in, you’re getting your feelings out.”
Lucy slumped back in her seat. It sounded strange, yet at the same time made a bit of sense to her. Angst type stories were not really her forte, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t do it, especially since pain is all she was channeling at the moment. She sighed. “I’ll try.”
“And that’s totally okay. All I ask is that you give it a try.”
#nalu#nalu fan fic#nalu au#nalu fan fiction#Natsu dragneel#Lucy heartfilia#Natsu x lucy#nalu fanfiction#strangers on a train#ch 24#angst#TW: panic attack#TW: PTSD
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Request: “can i get a peter parker soulmate x reader in which they rescue her from hydra and she's distant from peter then bucky shows up and they're all buddy buddy touchy feely cause they were in hydra together and peters all jealous cause why isn't she that way with me I'm her soul mate even though really she wants to open up to him but is nervous and stuff and bucky is the supportive best friend and happy ending”
Warnings: None
Notes: I KNOW I’VE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE BUT THIS TURNED OUT REALLY LONG SO MAYBE THAT MAKES UP FOR IT???
The little mark on your wrist used to bring you comfort. Once, a long time ago, in the darkness of some cell that Hydra had stuck you in, the thought that somewhere, someone was waiting for you, that someone wanted you for more than just your powers shed a little bit of light to your life. For a long time it was just you in that cell with nothing but a bed and a steel toilet in the corner, the only contact you ever really had was with the guards that would always drag you towards something unpleasant. They would probe and examine and torture you in the name of science, all so they could one day use you for something you were sure you didn’t want to be apart of.
You came from a long line of empaths, but not particularly powerful ones. The ability to feel others’ emotions in and of itself was seen by many as a rather useless power, but your family had used it to help as many as you could, finding their ways into professions in which knowing what another was feeling was vital. The powers each individual person had varied slightly, for example, your mother could feel others’ emotions while your father could feel the physical pain that others experienced. Many others in your family didn’t have two parents with powers, so it was understandable that as the only one born of two empaths you were among the strongest of your line. You were able to not only feel other people’s emotions and physical ailings, but you were able to heal others; to take away their pain or inflict happiness if need be. For this reason, HYDRA had targeted you, wanting to use you as their own personal interrogator.
You could still remember the day they took you. It had been a quiet Friday night and, as usual, you and your family were getting ready for your weekly movie night. You were all huddled onto the couch, arguing over what you were to watch when there was a harsh knock on the door.
“Did you invite one of your friends over?” Your dad asked, already beginning to stand.
“No, did you?” You asked, looking at your mother.
“No, I didn’t. Who would be here so late anyway?” Your mom asked. There was another knock at the door, this time louder and much more impatient.
“I should open the door before they break it down,” Your dad laughed.
“Can’t we just leave them be? They’re interrupting out long awaited movie night and we didn’t get to have one last week because of that emergency that you were called in for.” You argued.
“Honey, maybe they’re in trouble. Whoever is at the door is feeling really anxious.” Your mom responded. Your father nodded, moving to open the door.
Oh how you wished you’d argued harder.
The next thing you heard was a gunshot and a thud, then men in what looked to be black combat gear crashed through the various windows of the room while more came filing in through the door. Your mother immediately pushed you behind her, attempting to protect you from whoever had just invaded your home, but you were surrounded, so it wasn’t hard for one of the men to grab you from behind. You clung to your mother as hard as you could, screaming and crying and hoping that by whatever miracle you would both come out of this unscathed, but another man had grabbed ahold of your mother and roughly yanked her back, not even hesitating before breaking her neck. The scream you let out was guttural and ugly, had it not been for the incredible pain and anger you felt in your chest, you wouldn’t have thought it came from you. You fought against the man behind you, grabbing onto his head and extending your anger onto him, manifesting it into physical pain. He quickly collapsed, holding his head as if it were going to explode. You were able to fight off a couple of others the same way before they were able to grab ahold of your arms and secure them in glove like cuffs. You didn’t stop fighting, though, kicking as hard as you could at anyone you could reach, but they were quick to hit you, causing your vision to become blurry and your head to become hazy. The last thing you saw before you passed out was the sight of your fathers body, bleeding out on the ground from his head where they shot him as they dragged you out the door.
Ever since that day, HYDRA had studied you, exploiting your powers and forcing you to become stronger. For a while you resisted, fighting until you were beaten to a pulp by the many guards that always accompanied you. When HYDRA realized that violence wouldn’t work, they employed a new strategy, seeing the opportunity to use an already trained soldier to control you.
When Bucky was unfrozen again there was nothing new. He had been under HYDRA’s control for so long that the routine of coming out of the ice was so familiar that it was basically second nature. What was surprising, however, was the girl that greeted him in his cell. She was scared, he could tell, but there wasn’t much he could do to make himself seem smaller or to make her feel more comfortable, and besides, having just come out of the ice his brain was too foggy to comprehend much and he was much to scared of the same tortures they always subjected him to, so he very slowly shuffled to the awaiting cot that looked like it hadn’t been slept in and slowly sat down.
You stared at the strange man, wondering why he was with you, but you could tell he was scared, or at the very least just as uncomfortable as you were. You slowly moved towards him, watching as he grew more tense the closer you came. You gently laid your hand on his arm, a slew of emotions instantly rolling through you: pain, grief, longing. You knew he was in the same boat as you, probably stolen away from his own family.
“Hi,” You smiled as best you could, “I’m Y/N”
From that moment on, you and Bucky had been each other’s support systems, always there for each other when you had endured your respective torments. When some of the higher ups noticed the bond you two had formed, they decided to move onto the next phase of their plan. They began to use you and Bucky to control the other, threatening to hurt you if Bucky didn’t comply and vice versa.
When Bucky was finally rescued, he fought to bring you back, and he did, four months later. In those four months you had been punished for Bucky’s apparent failure, they interrogated you 24/7 until they realized they wouldn’t get anything from you, whether they believed you or not when you told them you didn’t know anything, you were unsure.
Coming back to life was an adjustment, to say the least. Bucky was a blessing to you, he helped you make your way back to a normal life, even becoming your legal guardian when you wanted to attend school again. Bucky was hesitant to let you go but you had insisted that the best way for you to get back to normal was by acting as normal as possible, so after having passed all the tests, he enrolled you into Midtown School of Science and Technology. His choice in the school was no accident, Bucky knew that Peter attended Midtown and tasked him with keeping an eye out for you. It didn’t take long for you and Peter to become friends and took even less time for you both to realize that you were soulmates. Bucky had threatened Peter when he found out, making sure that he wouldn’t break your heart, but he was secretly happy that Peter was your soulmate instead of some random boy he didn’t know.
You were over the moon when you found out that you and Peter were soulmates. You had been in love with the boy since you met him and knowing that he was actually meant for you absolutely blew your mind. More than that, though, Peter had been so kind to you and you couldn’t even put into words how grateful you were for him, so you showed your affection as best you could. You remembered details about him that others would usually forget: how he liked his coffee, his favorite snacks, the exact way he took his sandwich from Delmar’s. You were completely unaware of the fact that Peter was a physically affectionate person, and even more oblivious to the fact that you seemed to have an aversion to physical contact. After all that HYDRA had put you threw, you really shouldn’t have been surprised, but you also didn’t see any harm in avoiding touch for the time being.
Peter had noticed how you never touched him. You seemed fine when he held your hand or held you close, but you were never the one to initiate it. You were never leaned up to kiss him or hug him or cuddle with him and he understood why but he was still a little hurt, especially when he saw you immediately embrace Bucky after he came back from his mission. What Peter didn’t know was that every time Bucky went out on a mission you drove yourself into the ground with worry. He was basically the only family you had left, losing him would be like reliving the day HYDRA took you. You had made Bucky promise to keep most of your time together under wraps, only telling people what they needed to know and nothing more, so even if Peter knew that you had a rough past, he didn’t truly understand what it was like.
“What’s wrong?” You asked. Peter had been huffy and passive all day, tipping you off right away. When you asked, he recalled your earlier actions. Peter had woken up before you, quietly eating breakfast with the rest of the avengers before you sleepily walked into the common area. You passed him, barely sparing a glance, in order to sit by Bucky. Bucky instantly wrapped an arm around you, quietly asking you how you slept and pulling you into his side.
“Nothing.” He said, curtly.
“Peter, talk to me.”
“I just...” He looked at you, not wanting to continue, but when he saw your bright eyes and reassuring smile, he knew he couldn’t just not say something. “Why do you hug Bucky and not me?”
You looked away from him, unconsciously rubbing the mark on your wrist, a nervous habit you picked up as a child.
“Did I do something? Are you... not in love with me anymore?” He asked. He knew you were soulmates but it wasn’t uncommon for soulmates to temporarily fall out of love before they were able to grow into the people they were meant to be.
“What? No! No Peter that’s not it!”
“Then what is it?”
“I... Peter while I was with HYDRA Bucky was the only one there for me. I lost everything and Bucky helped me heal, he’s the only family I have left. Every time Bucky goes on missions I’m absolutely terrified that I’ll lose him like I lost my parents, so with him I guess it’s just natural. I’m sorry that I made you feel uncertain about things.”
Peter didn’t feel the need to say anything, instead, he pulled you into a tight hug, assuring you that you had nothing to apologize for. You spent the rest of the day glued to Peter’s side, becoming slightly more affectionate as the day went on, but not forcing yourself to do anything you were uncomfortable with.
When dinner time came you sat next to Peter, completely engrossed in the story he was telling you about something stupid that Flash did during the debate teams last meeting. Bucky watched you from afar, happy that you were finally growing out of your shell and proud of the happy person you had become.
#Peter parker#peter parker imagine#peter parker x reader#marvel imagine#spiderman#spiderman imagine#spiderman x reader#avengers imagine
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Everything I wanted to say:a letter to you|t.h.
a/n: I had this idea in my head for days but I was only able to write it now hehe. I hope you like it and I am sorry for any mistakes💞*gif is not mine*
warnings:fluff, fluff, a lit bit of angst(only if you are like me)
My love, my light, my life.
I have no words to describe how much in love i am with you. How fast my heart beats when i feel you're around. How my butterflies dance inside my stomach whenever you touch me. How I melt right in your hands everytime you squeeze my body, keep me safe in your arms. How the world stops spinning when you kiss me with those lips, that fit mine so perfectly.
I was convinced that true love didn't exist. That my parents kept lying to me through fairytales with princess waiting the prince with the white horse to take them away, show them love and affection. And both of them will fall for each other.
But as I was growing up and looked around me, everything proved them wrong. People are cruel, full of hate, shameless, unaware of how bad they can damage others. I just locked myself in four walls tired of it. Tired of not having someone to talk to. A real friend. An honest person, pure, innocent, loving, caring, kind, generous. The opposite of the majority.
And then you came into my life.
I am not gonna be able to forget the first time that I saw your face. You were smiling bright, the whole street lighting up. Your eyes were a little smaller. Your nose and cheeks had turned to a light red, as you were speaking to some people, fans. I wish I was closer that moment to picture in my head every detail, to paint your face and put it next to me each time you are gone. And you wore that blue sweater, my favourite one which I'm wearing right now, and that pair of black jeans, always looking good at you. Your hair were curly and every ten seconds your fingers were running through.
I heard your laugh from across the street, a sound that was playing in my mind for days. I had stopped there by accident before I searched around me curious from where the sound came from. That was all it took for me to just stand there and watch you, hug and smile to others, joking around, laughing, giving autographs. I wondered how you would smell every time you crossed your arms around somebody. I liked that you were happy, open handed, polite to them. I knew that you were different that day and even though you might not believe it,is the truth.
And then you glanced at me, taking my breath away. It was like the time had stopped, the world paused and the only ones with the power to move and talk were just the two of us. I felt your brown eyes looking at my soul, my life, my choices, my mistakes. I got embarrassed and scared. Scared that the fairytales were based on real life, that I might have found my prince. I know it sounds stupid, and now that I'm thinking of it, yes it is. But for a second I had that fantasy. My brain and heart stopped working, all my senses gave up. It was only you.
Tom then you smiled at me. ME. My walls that I was building for years fell down with that smile making me feel weak, not being able to process this. I've never had someone to look at me the way you did that day, I thought I was dreaming. Maybe it wasn't something special for you, you had people's eyes on you 24/7 but for me, you were the first. That's why I stood still in my place. I tried to enjoy every second.
I smiled back at you shyly and pulled my hair back, such a girly move. You looked down still with your smile at your face, then back at me and I swear I was ready to explode from all my emotions. I wanted to cry from happiness that finally something changed in my life but also from sadness because I knew that was for only a few seconds. Reality hit my face hard when a couple of men started shouting your name and dragging you to a different direction away for me. And that's when I said to myself that "it was too good to be true" and walked with tears in my eyes. If anyone else was at my place maybe they wouldn't care about it but I did. I lived on the sidelines for so long and I had a chance, I thought I had a chance but I guessed that i didn't deserved it.
And the time when I felt your hand on my shoulder and I saw you standing in front of me I pushed aside all of my negative thoughts and questioned if I was daydreaming and turning crazy. I felt my skin under my clothes burning from your touch, my heart losing control and my brain not working, only my eyes watching and my nose smelling your fragrance. I wanted to hug you just so I can smell it for the rest of my life. Then you talked to me asking if I was okay, your eyes following a teardrop making it's way down to my cheek and I felt so stupid that a boy, a stranger was seeing me like these. Do you remember that?
"Yes" he whispered to himself and turned the page to the other side wanting to read more.
Fast forward to our first date. I was so anxious all day, spending majority of my time in front of a mirror changing outfits, makeup, hair styles not satisfying with anything. I was turning to that teenage girl I always made fun of. I was making circles around the house practicing how I would act around you, how would I speak and what I would say.
You were the sweetest man I could ask for, such a gentleman. I couldn't get my eyes off of you, so confident and handsome, talking about the most silliest things and making me laugh all night with your jokes and random comments for the topic I was talking about. You held my hand and kept listening to me and laughed at my miserably jokes. I was the luckiest woman that night and to the ride back at my house I remember feeling so sad that I had to say goodbye to you even though i wanted to spent more and more time with you. By surprise you didn't stop and continued to drive.
We got to our favorite place now, yours back in the day. I never knew why you did that and although I want so desperately to know I'll never ask. Let that kind of mystery follow. We sat down and kept a deep conversation starting about our past. Well mine. I was battling with my self if I should had open to you or not and I'm glad I did. You listened carefully to what I was saying and held my hand the entire time, squeezing when I was about to cry. You have no idea how much strength you gave me with that touch and how much courage to keep going. I wanted you to know everything that I had been through. It was the only way to know if you would stay and not leave me alone. I was terrified but prepared to fight this feeling of loneliness again.
You kissed me.
I get butterflies only from thinking of it, of our first kiss. Your lips covered mine and our tongues met for the first time exploring each other. Your hands held my cheeks and pulled me closer to you, giving me the warmth I was lacking for years. My hands shaking touched yours after a long time not wanting to let them go and the sensation drove me insane. My heart was exploding inside my chest, my blood was running through my veins faster that lightning, my brain was hurting from the situation and was wondering if this was actually true. I pulled away and opened my eyes. I found yours shut your lips pressed to one another. I thought that you regretted this, that it was stupid and that I seduced you to do this. Your half smiled then showed up, my heart skipped a beat, and you said that this was better than your imagination. My inner child raised from deep down myself. I wanted to jump around, laugh and shout, kiss you again, hold you, hug you, feel you.
Days, months passed away and you stood by my side, making me the happiest person alive. I only had to listen to your voice and everything bad disappeared within a second. It's like you have that superpower to fight the dark inside me so easily. I admired you and still do to this day. I love how you push your problems to the side and listen to mine, it sounds selfish right? I'm always here to listen to you baby not matter what and yes there were times you opened up to me. I wondered if I helped you or not.
"My love.."Tom laughed and grabbed the other piece of paper from the table."..you always do" he mumbled.
But I wish you shared your problems more. I am willing to help you or even just listen to you if you just want to get rid of anything. You are a strong man but sharing your feelings is important, you are not bothering me you know.
Can you recall our first time? Damn I would never forget that, from the way you touched every single inch of my skin to the way I felt at the end. Your kisses and hands got me to placed I had never been before, so dreamy. You whispered to me how much you loved me and how i changed you to becoming a better person. I remember every of your words and I can still your voice clearly next to my ear as our bodies move in sync. You were my first.
If you only knew how much you mean to me. How my view for the world changed because of you. How I met incredible people through you. How I learnt to love, respect, share, laugh, fight, adore, live. How you teached me to finally see the colors around me. How life can be hard, yet awesome. There are nights that we fight, we say things anger makes us too. But by the end of the day I know that I love you so much and that we can get over this. I try to remind my self every night that there are so many reasons to be happy and not sad for a foolish reason. And that's when I turn to you and open my arms for you to hug me and sleep calmly. But you are already waiting for me to do so.
This is my letter to you. I wish I could say those things to you but we both know that i get caught up by my feelings. We would have been talking for hours.
I am not going to be able to stop loving you and that's my weakness. I don't wanna see you cry or heartbroken and you make me melancholic when you are like that. If I could only make you feel the way you make me. I am not the best but I'm trying to I swear and I'll continue to do so every day till the last one.
I love you.
Sincerely yours,
y/n
He wiped away some tears that escaped his eyes and got himself up from where he was sitting to get to you. You had been waiting for him in your bedroom, with roses all around, food and a movie to watch. It wasn't any special day but you felt the need to spoil him with love. In your own way. But as the time went on you fell asleep, with the food at the bedside table and your body hugging his pillow, feeling safe.
Tom smiled at the sight of you sleeping with his pillow in your hands. His heart beat fast as he kept moving closer to you and left a kiss on your forehead.
"I love you too baby" he said and kissed your lips gently. With slowly moves he tried to laid his body next to yours, hugging your waist and pulling you close to his.
It was at this moment that he realised the power you had over him and he was surprised you couldn't notice it.
"I guess I have to write it to you" he laughed at himself and closed his eyes, falling asleep a few moments later with the thought of you at his mind.
#tomholland#tom holland imagines#tomhollandx#tom holland fluff#tom holland imagine#tom holland x#tom holland x reader#tom holland x y/n#tom holland x you#tom holland fanfiction#tom holland au#tom holland angst#peter parker#peter parker imagine#spiderman#tom holland one shot
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Drown
requested by: anon
“HI!!! Can i request an imagine where the reader is dating john and she takes a bullet for one of his brothers. She lives but it’s all dramatic and angsty?”
pairing: john shelby x reader
summary: you couldn’t stand the thought of losing john, so you took the bullets that were meant for him. john’s point of view.
word count: 1.6K
warnings: angst, panic attacks, alcohol, violence, drugs.
author’s note: wow! what a wonderful ride. it’s not exactly what you wanted, but I hope you can enjoy it. I did. don’t forget english isn’t my first language and be nice.
Day 0
You’re on the floor.
I'm unable to think straight; all I see is you and your blood, everything else is a blur. I can't hear shit, just a weird sound like I am underwater. It feels like I'm completely high.
I know I got shot too, I can feel the pain in my shoulder and leg, but I can't push myself to think about it. All the blood I see is yours.
Just yours.
I fall on my knees, touching your face. “Why would you do that?”, I ask.
Your eyes are still open and you're smiling to me. Fucking smiling. It would be a wonderful view if there wasn't blood running out of your mouth.
I'm panicking. I look around to see Michael bleeding as well. My heart aches, and, for a second, I feel like I'll suffocate; my hands are cold and I'm shaking.
I'm alone. What am I supposed to do?
And why I can't breathe?
“I won't let you die”, I close my eyes, trying to think before standing up and running inside. My legs are trembling and I know that I won't be awake for too long now.
I grab the phone, Tommy will know what to do. He answers quickly.
“We’ve been shot. Y/N and Michael are fucking dying.”
And everything goes dark.
Day 1
The walls are white.
Tommy’s face is the first thing I see.
“Where am I?”, is the only thing I can think about, and say. It's kinda hard to see, it feels like my eyes weight a thousand pounds.
“You're in the hospital, John”, Arthur speaks and only now I notice him, standing next to the door.
Hospital? What the fuck am I doing in a fucking hospital?
And where are you?
No.
No, no, no, no.
“Where’s she?”, my voice cracks. “Fuck, where is she?”
Tommy and Arthur don’t say shit.
Fuck this; if they won’t tell me, I’ll find out. Standing up and ripping those stuff off my body, I feel my shoulder burning, “Shit.”
“John...”
Whatever he is saying, I don't stay to listen. I'm running in the hospital hallways with my two brothers running after me, but I need to find you. I need to.
Someone grabs my arm and then Polly’s in front of me, worried sick as well. Finally, someone who'll actually talk to me.
“They're here”, she mumbles.
“Polly... not now”, Arthur interrupts.
“He needs to know!”, she yells. Some people are staring at us, but I don't give a fuck.
My hands are shaking again.
“Know... what?”
Polly says nothing, just starts walking and I go after her. There's a room at the end of the hallway and, as I come closer, I can see your hair in the mattress.
I feel like throwing up.
No.
I can't see that, “Is she...?”
“No.”
Relief. The weigh I felt on my shoulders are not so heavy anymore. You're not dead, that's enough for now.
I walk closer and touch your face; feeling your skin is wonderful. Even better than before, I understand the value of that now.
“You scared the hell outta me, darling”, I press my forehead against yours. My hand is still on your cheek, caressing it softly. “Don't ever do that again, please.”
“John”, Arthur speaks in a nervous tone. “Doctors said that they’ll try, but she probably won't make it. I'm sorry.”
I close my eyes, my forehead still pressed against yours, and mutter, “The hell you just said?”
Silence.
I turn to face my brother and approach him. My heart is beating like crazy, my hands feel cold and my head is now pounding painfully.
“You're sorry? You're sorry for what? Is she dead yet? Is she fucking dead?”, I yell in his face, my voice cracks again.
I didn't like his tone, he spoke like it was a lost cause.
You're alive, you aren't going to die. I won't let you.
I can't breathe.
Again, I can't breathe.
“I can't... breathe.”
My hands are now in my chest as I try to feel a little less suffocated. My heart... I can feel every beat. I can hear every beat.
Polly says something, I know she did because I saw her lips moving. I just can't figure out what was it.
Day 2
“I'm sorry I blacked out yesterday, I should've stayed here with you the whole day”, I whisper, kissing your hand. “Polly said I had a panic attack, thought that kind of thing was bullshit.”
You don't answer, obviously. I already miss hearing your voice.
“Look what you did to me, darling.”
Day 6
Michael woke up and you just... won't.
The two bullets wounds I got are now healing and I'm perfectly fine. At least, physically.
Why don't you wake up?
I killed two men this week. They chased me on the streets and I put a bullet into their heads. It felt so good, baby. I said your name, I screamed your name.
Did those bastards really think they could hurt you? They were wrong. They are wrong; I'll kill one by one, I promise you.
I don't sleep anymore. Not since day 2.
I work the whole day and come to stay with you when the night begins. I would stay by your side 24/7 if I could, but I need to kill those Italians. I know you understand me.
“How are you feeling today, my love?”, I ask you, touching your lips with my fingers. You're so cold now, it scares me.
“Mr. Shelby”, it's the nurse by the door. “I'm afraid drinking isn’t allowed in the hospital.”
Oh, right. I'm drinking right now; I drink as I breathe. There's a bottle of whiskey in my hands, I take a sip when I feel like it.
Don't you worry, please. It's just a way to get closer to you; when I'm feeling dizzy, I can feel your lips against mine.
“I'm sorry, do I look like I care about the hospital’s rules? Get out.”
Day 9
I'm drowning.
There's snow in the tip of my nose, there's snow on the table beside your bed. I know you hate when I snort, but I need to stay awake.
I need to look after you.
Day 11
The doctor said I should give up and let you go. The damage is done, there nothing they can do to heal you.
Fucking nothing.
I'm shattered.
I don't cry, you know I don't, but I'm screaming in pain with my face pressed against the pillow.
You can't leave me, my love.
I won't let you leave me.
I'll wait until you wake up, I won't give up on you. I told that doctor to fuck off and said that I'd cut his balls off if he doesn't try harder.
He’ll try harder and you'll heal. I know you will.
Because I don't know what I'll do if you don't.
Day 12
“John?”, it’s Arthur’s voice, but where is it coming from?
Looking around the street, I try to find my brother. Someone grabs my shoulder and that scares the hell outta me, the next thing I know is that I'm pointing a gun at Arthur’s face.
“It’s me, John! Geez!”, he curses. “Are you drunk? It's 8 am, brother, what’s happening?”
Day 17
Your skin feels so cold.
Your lips are pale now and it's killing me; I feel like I'm watching you die, day by day.
Your life is escaping your body and I am watching every step of it.
“Tommy won't let me work, I'm so fucking mad at him. All I wanna do is blow the brains of that Italian bastard out and he won't let me”, I complain -- I know I'm complaining a lot these days, I'm sorry.
But you're not speaking to me; you're not here to tell me to stop worrying.
Day 24
Polly said I smelled like shit, so I went home to take a shower.
I don't you to be uncomfortable around me when you wake up, so I'm using my best perfume now.
Doctors said you won't wake up, so I discovered where they lived and shot their windows. Now they're scared and now they won't let you die.
Everything’s gonna be alright.
Day 31
The last time I spoke to you was a month ago.
The last time you touched me as well.
Maybe I have to accept that you are, actually, dying. Maybe already dead.
I should let you go.
Day 45
I'm in the hospital, but not with you.
I drank so much I passed out for an entire day; Ada thought I was dead.
I wish I was.
I can't stop thinking about all the times I let you down in different ways, all the times I screamed at you or cheated on you. I was a piece of shit, the worst husband you could ever have.
You were the best.
I remember the first time I realized I loved you, it's clear like water now. It was 4 am and I knocked on your door, covered in blood.
You invited me in and bathed me, took care of me, and hugged me tight until I fell asleep. It became the best night of my life.
And, after we married, you were still wonderful. Every day and every night.
The love of my life.
Oh, God, I really wish I was dead when Ada found me.
Day 49
I'm going crazy.
I could swear you opened your eyes.
If it wasn't impossible, I'd say you're looking at me with your beautiful eyes.
Am I going crazy?
“John?”
Fuck, it's your voice.
“John, what happened?”
You're alive.
———
blinders taglist
@haphazardhufflepuff
#blue writes#john shelby x reader#john shelby#john shelby oneshot#john shelby drabble#john shelby fanfic#john shelby imagine#peaky blinders#joe cole x reader#joe cole
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Escape [Chapter 3]
Superhero!AU/Villain!AU
Pairing: Kai x Reader
Warnings: Language, violence, torture
Summary: All your life you were caged and tortured, a never-ending cycle of pain. You no longer remember a life beyond that. All you wanted to do was escape this cruel fate. But finally finding your escape and being saved by a masked criminal was just the beginning of your nightmares. Can you ever really be free?
Chapter 1│Chapter 2│Chapter 3│Chapter 4│Chapter 5
I jolt awake, roused by nightmares. I take a moment to breathe, to compose myself. I take in my surroundings, hyper aware of everything, making sure I’m safe.
I relax slightly when I remember where I am. I breathe, reminding myself of what happened so far, recounting my steps to reassure myself that I’m not in the lab anymore, Dr. Walters can’t touch me here.
I shiver, noting how cold my body has gotten. It’s still dark out, but the sky had begun to turn red-violet as the sun begins to rise.
I rub my arms, hoping to get some warmth back. Perhaps I should move around for a bit and stretch out my limbs.
I pace around the empty building, my steps kicking up dust which makes me cough and sneeze. Okay, maybe that’s a bad idea. I stop my movements, hand over my mouth and nose as I try not to breathe in the dust. The sky is brightening a little more. Since daytime is approaching, it’ll probably be okay to go outside. People will be out and about in no time, and I’ll be hidden among the crowds.
I look down at myself and wrinkle my nose, wondering if there’s any way I can get clothes that aren’t in terrible condition.
I miss Kai’s apartment already, but I shake my head. I’ve gone my separate way, and I must rely on myself. I still need to figure out who it was that paid him to save me in the first place.
I sigh, heading towards the door. I hope no one pays me too much attention. The last thing I need is to catch unwanted attention, like painting a big red target sign on my back. Dr. Walters is looking for me, I know it. I have to be careful with where I go, who I talk to. I must find a way to disguise myself, and this jumpsuit must be the first to go. He probably has trackers on this thing, even in its tattered state.
I step out just as the first rays of morning appear. The warmth is comfortable and very welcome on my freezing skin. It’ll get warmer from here, which I’m looking forward to.
I quicken my pace past the streets, trying not to look at the people sitting and sleeping in the shadows. Some reek of alcohol with sunken eyes, shaggy hair and unshaved faces. Some have grey skin, looking much too thin to be able to function properly. Bottles, cigarette butts and needles are littered everywhere. A woman with two young children huddle together to my right.
My heart aches for them, feeling their pain and suffering. I wish I could do something to help, but I an barely look after myself as is.
A man who looks intoxicated by drugs or alcohol eyes me lecherously, a grin appearing on his cracked lips. I shiver at the unpleasant attention, breaking into a run in hopes me won’t follow. If he does, he’ll be disappointed to find his strength is no match for mine. Still, I don’t want him to start a scene.
As I leave the slums, I notice how the streets are cleaner now. There are a few people present, shop owners chatting as they begin to open their stores, joggers running past, someone on a flower-filled bicycle.
The quiet murmurs of conversation comforts me, the chirping of birds giving me a sense of unprecedented freedom. I take a deep breath of the fresh air, the temperature becoming warmer and warmer. I no longer shiver, my arms falling freely to my sides, and I forget about my strange appearance.
For once, I feel human. Normal. Alive.
I notice glances towards me, conversations change from idle chatter to curious speculation. Who is this young woman, wearing tattered clothes? Is she from the slums? Could she perhaps be a new criminal?
I keep my head down and quicken my pace. Soon there will be even more people, and I hope they will be too busy to pay me any mind. I wander down the streets, scanning my surroundings and noting anything worthwhile. I pass by clothing stores, looking in through the windows and frowning at the prices.
I sigh. Surely there isn’t anything at the grand price of free for a penniless girl like me.
I continue walking, ideas churning in my mind. Is there any way I can acquire a job? But I’m not sure what the standard requirements are, and it would be troublesome if they ask me for any form of identification. Based on government records, I don’t even exist. So honest, lawful jobs are probably out of the question. A hopeful part of me wonders if anyone is nice enough to provide shelter for an odd-looking stranger.
Most likely not. Oh well, onto the next idea.
If honest jobs are not going to accept me, perhaps my only option is something illegal. Or sketchy, at best. I wonder where I can acquire a job like that. The red-light district is always an option. I shiver at the thought, wondering if it’s really worth the risk. They might have jobs that don’t require selling my body, like cleaning or cooking. Frowning, I find myself silly.
I could probably find a labor-intensive job, like at a construction site. Yes, that’s what I’ll focus on.
I pass by an internet café, still closed since it’s too early for them to open. I peek into the dark store, eyeing the computers they have lined up on long coffee tables. If I could access the internet, I would probably find more jobs for hire, but I don’t have the money. Everything boils down to money, a never-ending loop. Where else would jobs be advertised? Magazines? Newspapers?
It’s worth a try, I suppose.
I walk down the street for a while more, looking through windows as they slowly open, and manage to find a convenience store that’s open 24/7. The sliding doors ding when I walk in.
The cashier, a young girl chewing gum and blonde hair tied into a ponytail, looks at me oddly, but doesn’t say anything. I know how awful I look, and she probably thinks I’m some sort of drug addict. I ignore her and sidle into the magazine and newspaper section. I scan through the covers, searching for something that might include jobs for hire. I pick up a few and start flipping through them.
From the corner of my eye, I see the cashier begin to work nearby me, putting things on shelves and checking items. Does she think I’m going to steal something? I roll my eyes and turn my attention back towards the pages. My concentration wanes as I flip through the seventh magazine, not finding anything suitable for me.
I begin to grab an eighth magazine when the cashier clears her throat behind me, plastering on a polite smile. “Hello, may I help you with something?”
I swallow a sigh and turn to her, trying not to look as dead as I feel. “Hi, sorry, I’m just looking through some magazines.”
She nods slowly. “Are you looking for anything specific?”
I sound more snappy than I meant to. “Job advertisements.”
Something changes in her expression and it becomes more sympathetic. I don’t like it. I smile again as best as I can without wanting to kill myself or her, “Sorry, I’ll be quick.”
“Sure.” She shrugs, then slinks away, but I can still feel her eyes on me—you know, just in case I do steal something. I flip through the magazine mindlessly, not even really paying attention to what’s on the page anymore. Some fashion trends, fancy car models, idol gossips…something catches my eye.
I flip back, searching for that page. It’s a job advertisement from Happy Greenbottles, a company that strives to create environment-friendly packaging for all kinds of products; from food products to beauty products. They’re looking for factory workers, and promise free housing and meals. Seems too good to be true, but something about this advertisement screams at me, something odd, something inexplicable.
I doubt they would hire someone like me, but I take my chances. I don’t know why I’m so adamant about this job, but I swirl around and find the cashier who takes a step back in surprise. I hold the page up to her, determined. “Can I borrow a phone please? I really, really need this job.”
“Um.” She looks unsure, eyes darting everywhere as she slowly pushes the magazine away from her face. “Sure, I guess.”
I run to the shop’s phone sitting in a corner on the counter. She watches me as I dial the number on the advertisement, my heart racing when I hear it ring. Three rings is all it took for someone to pick up, a pleasant female voice greeting me, “You have reached Happy Greenbottles. How may I help you?”
“Hello.” I answer, voice squeaking. “I saw your advertisement for hiring?”
“Ah, yes.” She chirps. “We’re in an urgent need of someone right now. Are you thinking of applying? Is it okay if we do a phone interview right now?”
“Sure, that’s no problem.” Oh no, I have no idea how interviews work. What do I say?
“Alright then. First things first, what’s your name?”
I begin to sweat already. “I’m…” I pause, catching myself before I could make a mistake. “…Eve. My name is Eve.”
“Nice to meet you, Eve. I’m Susan. Do you have any previous work experience in a factory or other labor-intensive jobs?”
“Ah, no.” I swallow. I wrack my brain, wondering what kind of answer would be acceptable. What would a normal person say? “I just graduated from college so I don’t have any job experience yet. I’m very strong and have high stamina so I have no problems with labor-intensive work.”
There’s silence on the other end and my stomach drops. Did I screw up? Was that not the right thing to say?
“I see. That’s okay, it’s very difficult for graduated students to find jobs immediately. Trust me, I’ve been there. Where did you graduate from?”
Crap. Crap, crap, crap. I don’t know any colleges or any sort of educational institute for that matter. I come up blank, unable to answer or even make something up.
“Hello? Eve, you still there?”
I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. This is obviously not going to work. “To be honest I didn’t graduate from college.”
Silence. Yeah, totally screwed.
“So,” Susan starts, her voice sounding strangely interested. “Knowing that you don’t have the necessary qualifications for this job, why did you still call? Surely you were expecting to be rejected.”
“I need this job.” I say, trying not to sound too desperate. “I don’t have anywhere to stay and have no money. I just…I just need to do something.”
“And you expect us to give you the job? Even though we’re a startup company, we have high standards and expectations for all our employees. Why should we hire you, who has nothing to offer us and nothing to back you up? Why are you interested in our company in the first place?”
I frown, having no answers to any of her questions. I shrug, already giving up. “I don’t know, honestly. All I can offer you is hard-work and my best efforts. Your advertisement caught my eye and I reacted. That’s all.”
Here it comes. I sigh, closing my eyes as I wait for the impending rejection. Susan is quiet for a moment.
“Alright, you’re hired.”
My jaw drops. “What?”
“I said you’re hired, Eve.” She says merrily. “Congratulations. You can come in for work right away. Do you have a way for jotting down notes?”
“I, uh…” My eyes dart around the counter, wondering if I could use any of this stuff without paying. I’m already using their phone for way too long. The cashier hands me an old receipt and a pen wordlessly, and I thank her vigorously with hand gestures for her help. “Yes, I do.”
“I’m going to read you our address, so make sure you write it down.” I fumble to write down what Susan says, wondering if I’m spelling it correctly. She repeats the address just in case I missed anything, and then bids me goodbye.
I am ecstatic when I hang up, my body feeling light as if I just ascended onto a new level.
“Congrats.” The cashier says with a smile. “Hope it goes well.”
“Me too.” I beam back, stupidly excited. “Thank you so much. If I get paid, I’ll treat you.”
She laughs, waving her hand. “Nah, that’s alright. Jobs are hard to get, I’ve been there. You should go treat yourself, yeah?”
I look down at my tattered jumpsuit and nod. “Yeah, okay.” I thank her again as I leave, a skip in my step.
I search for a street sign, wondering if there are any pointers on how to get to the address. I ask a few people for directions along the way (quite a few actively avoided me and gave me weird looks, but some were very kind). Some even generously searched it up on their phones and showed me a map.
It seems to be quite far, about an hour or two by car, but I can catch up by running in no time. I try my best to stay off the streets and under the shades of buildings or trees as I break into a run, going much too fast for a normal human. I go through any alleyway I can find to hide from the general public, focusing on the direction I need to go so I won’t get lost.
I leave the populated parts of the city, reaching the outskirts where it’s much more secluded. There are lots of big factories here, chimneys blowing dark smoke into the sky. Trucks are littered about, busily transporting cargo to and fro.
I quicken my speed when I see the giant Happy Greenbottles company name on the side of a grey building. Their logo is of a bottle with two leaves poking out from the top and a cute smile plastered on the glass. Cute.
I catch my breath as I slow to a walk, shaking out my nerves as I approach the entrance. I try not to be too self-conscious with my awful appearance. They might turn me away immediately after seeing me.
The glass sliding doors open for me, and I walk in sheepishly. Some workers dressed in protective uniform, bouffant caps and face masks turn to look at me before moving on with their work. I glance around, wondering who I should talk to or where I should go. The clacking of high heels makes me look towards the left, where a woman in a black suit approaches me. Her wavy brown hair reaches her bosom, figure tall and slim. She smiles, “Are you Eve?”
“Ah, yes.” I blink. “Are you Susan?”
“That’s right.” She gestures for me to follow her. She leads me to a man who looks like he’s in his thirties, also dressed in a black suit, his posture more casual and relaxed than Susan, but confidence radiates off him. There are several workers surrounding him, seemingly deep in conversation. Susan taps him on the shoulder, then clears her throat when he turns. His hair is dark with strands of grey hair, his features sharp with striking green eyes. “Sir, this is our new hire, Eve. Eve, this is the founder of Happy Greenbottles, Mr. Gregory Miller.”
He beams at me, shaking my hand heartily and clapping me on the shoulder. “Ah, welcome, Eve! So glad you could make it. You really helped me there—we needed someone urgently to take care of the new batch.”
“Glad I could help, sir.” I manage a small smile, surprised by his friendly attitude.
“Susan, please, show her the basics and have her start immediately. We need to have these out tonight.”
“Yes sir.” Susan turns towards me, her eyes scrutinizing. “Let’s get you a uniform. Follow me.” She heads towards a door to the far back, taking me to what seems like a change room. She grabs some cardboard boxes from tops of lockers, searching through the contents. “Hm…you look like a medium.” She pulls out what seems like clothes folded neatly inside a sealed plastic bag. She hands it to me. “Go ahead and change. If it doesn’t fit, just grab a new size. I’ll be waiting outside.”
It’s a simple t-shirt and black pants, a protective covering worn over them like an apron. It’s easy to move in for any sort of laboring work I might need to do. I step out of the changing room, Susan nodding at me and hands me a bouffant cap and a face mask. I hastily put them on, tucking my hair into the cap. Once I’m done, she’s pulling me along again.
“Alright, your work is in here.” She opens another door, leading me down a long corridor. The wall to my left is made of glass so I can see into the room filled with intimidating machines, conveyer belts, and countless workers busy at their stations. Susan holds the door at the other end for me, letting me pass through first. The room is cool, AC blasting through the air vents. The sounds of the machines whirring is loud, and to me, almost deafening. I wince, itching to cover my ears but that would look like an overreaction for a normal person. I struggle to look neutral as I follow Susan to my station.
“Your job is simple.” She points at a hatch on the back of a machine. “When the machine beeps, lift the hatch and use this—” she holds up an iron rod-like thing, “—and stir the liquid. These are what we use to make the packagings. There’s only a 30 second window, so make sure you don’t slack off and miss the beeps.” She hands me the rod, raising a brow at me, a hand on her hip. “Any questions?”
I shake my head ‘no.’
She nods, looking pleased. “Good luck on your first day.” Then she leaves, and I watch her walk back down the hallway through the glass.
Special thanks to the wonderful Ayla @ninibears-erigom for being a sponsor! This chapter was made possible by you! 💛
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{out of equations} I am a little afraid that I’m being misunderstood because of how it appears I am running my blogs. The truth is, I am a shy, derpy potato, and I suspect I’m just coming across in a much different way than I wish to. Below is my attempt to clear some of that up, so that hopefully anyone whom I’ve inadvertently made to feel like I am ignoring them or don’t want to write with them can feel better. Thank you for reading, if you do, and otherwise I hope everyone is having a lovely day. =)
I don’t know if this is actually a thing or not, but it occurs to me that I may be giving people the wrong idea about my blogs. It’s been so for a while that I keep getting compliments on my writing/portrayals, but then so many of my mutuals never interact with me and eventually unfollow, or start threads and drop them after a few replies. Now, people are entitled to lurk, change their minds, become disinterested, lose muse for a thread, and/or decide they don’t like writing with me or feel that my writing doesn’t measure up to theirs once they start. That’s perfectly okay! I’m not mad, I’m not calling anybody out, that’s absolutely okay! Right now, I’m talking to any of my mutuals who feel intimidated by me, feel I don’t want to write with them because I haven’t reached out to them first, or feel like I’m basically telling them they’re not good enough to write with me because I haven’t started something with them. I want to take the time to say how wrong all of that is and to give you an idea of how I really run my blogs.
First of all, real life has not been easy for me lately, as I’m sure it hasn’t been for everyone, given various things going on in the world. Between what’s in the news lately, the pandemic, and a chronic illness of mine coming out of remission after 20-ish years, I am definitely not at my best. I am on many medications for my chronic illness that come with a shopping list of side effects that make me feel physically horrible on a daily basis, but also they cause brain fog. I’m legitimately having trouble remembering things, which means that starter I told you I’d write you and then never did? Yeah, I don’t hate you, and it’s not that I don’t want to write with you, I just have honestly forgotten I even said I would do it. Combine that with my Tumblr notifications not working properly and a large influx of new writers and interactions lately due to WandaVision, and I am really honestly forgetting what I’ve said to whom on here. Side effects of my meds also include insomnia (which I already had, so it’s gotten worse... yay?) which means I’m not getting enough sleep and that’s compounding everything else that’s already making it hard for me to keep everything straight.
In addition to that, I have very bad anxiety, of the kind that interferes with my ability to do everyday things. Social anxiety is a huge facet of my generalized anxiety disorder. Simply put, I am introverted, shy, and terrified of talking to new people, even online. Even messaging with people I know can sometimes drain me mentally. It is not that I dislike you, or that I don’t want to talk to you, or that you are bothering me. None of those are true. I just am not good socially. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do, and I feel so intimidated, especially with so much amazing talent on here. I would like to think that I am a nice and approachable person, but I rarely ever reach out to people. Liking a starter call almost gives me a panic attack. Sometimes I sit and stare at one for an hour, really wanting to do it, but then I think... well I’d have to put my url since all my active rp blogs right now are sides. Would they get mad that I’m not just hitting like? Is that already too complicated and they’d just ignore me? Yeah, they probably wouldn’t want to write with me anyway. Aaaaand I close Tumblr and never like the post, heh.
I see talented writers on here all the time, I read their really great, funny, interesting, harrowing, or exciting threads and think... I wish I could write threads like those. But I just lack the social skills to get involved. My anxiety tells me things that aren’t true all the time, like that I’m extraneous, people have their groups and I should leave them to have fun in peace because I’d only be bothering them. It is not my intention to always make others do all of the work by waiting for them to reach out, or hoping they write that first starter instead of me, or waiting for that indisputable starter call that finally makes me feel comfortable enough that yes, they want to rp with someone like me... it’s just unfortunately where I’m at mentally right now.
Time is also an issue. I work full-time online as a teacher for a university, I have about 160 students, and I have students all around the world in all different time zones, so my job is pretty much 24/7. I am constantly answering student emails, grading assignments, dealing with technical site issues, etc. Sometimes I really want to interact with new writers on here, but I don’t bother because I am afraid that my activity level won’t be what they want or expect. That’s a big reason why I haven’t been expanding my roleplaying to Discord or joining large rpg groups. I can’t guarantee activity. Sometimes I will be very active, sometimes I won’t be active at all... and I won’t always know ahead of time.
Anyway, this is a lot of rambling and I’m sorry for that, but I wanted to clear up any notion that I am aloof, that I am super selective and that’s why I’m not rping with you, or that if I seem to be ignoring you, I am. SO. NOT. TRUE. It’s a combination of my being too afraid to reach out, having health issues that make me very forgetful at times, and feeling like I have to hold back because of scheduling issues or a lack of free time. So... yeah. That’s that. If you’ve gotten this far in reading this post, you are sweet and precious and a wonderful human being. Thank you for taking the time to do so. If I said I would write you a starter and never did, please remind me. I am 99.9% sure the reason is that I just plum forgot. If I appear to have dropped a thread you really loved, please remind me about it. I may not have even seen your reply with Tumblr’s crappy notifications not showing up for me. And if you want to rp with me, I don’t bite, I’m not intimidating, yes I want you to reply to that open starter, yes I want you to randomly tag me in a starter or drop something into my ask box, I am honestly just a scared potato who really cannot Social™ well.
Wanda, Vision, and Pietro are most active right now. Please bother them.
I have a leafling OC who is very adorable and versatile, I promise you. Please bother him.
I also rp Gizmo. Please bother him.
Bother whoever you like, ask me questions about them, answer open starters (literally any of my blogs you can just search for “open starter” and they’ll all come up), and send in memes.
~ Silence, a.k.a. Si, a.k.a. Shy Derpy Potato, out. (^-^)/
#{ out of equations } ᵒᵒᶜ#{because things aren't adding up}#{and it's just occurred to me that i'm creating the wrong look here}#{with how i run things}#{my apologies... i hope we can start over}
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