#bc it helps your brain process things while its awake

[frecklystars]

Hi frecklydork!! I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you- I just got out of a convo w/ a therapist where I realized I was in a really bad relationship and she mentioned I was displaying PTSD like symptoms. I just wanted you to know that theres someone out there who's super super super DUPER proud of you and all the work you've put into managing your PTSD- Feeling constant overwhelming anxiety helped me understand a little of what you must be going through, I can't imagine how stressful your day to day life is and I'm feeling overwhelmed rn! I hope you can take some comfort in this

Goodnight! Or Good day, or good morning whenever you get this!

Hi sweetheart. I'm so sorry to hear that you have gone through a relationship so devastating that it left this much of an impact on you. My heart goes out to you, it's not fun, to say the least, it is a really horrible time and it's especially difficult (in my opinion) when it's repetitive actions from someone you trusted... it's like an extra layer of betrayal on top of everything else. I'm so sorry. I know how badly that hurts.

My response is kind of long so I'm gonna put it under a readmore for ya:

I am so touched that you thought of me, and even more touched that you took the time out of your day to tell me that you thought of me. I hope you don't mind it took me a few days to finally crack open my inbox. I reread this a few times because it really warmed my heart. Thank you for being proud of me. I'm so proud of you, too. I'm so happy you've (I'm assuming, hoping, praying) gotten out of the relationship, or in the very least I'm reassured that you've realized how unhealthy the relationship was for you and you can take the steps to overcome and heal from it now. It's SO HARD getting out of relationships, but nobody else can do it for you, it's always you who has to take those steps, and I'm so proud of you for pushing yourself to take those steps!!!! I know it isn't easy!!!!! I think one of the loneliest feelings in the world is knowing that you're in an unhealthy friendship/relationship with someone and you can literally feel this person draining your energy and making you feel hopeless and worthless and numb. I have never felt more empty than when I was trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship/friendship. It's awful. Getting out of that kind of situation is so difficult, so I am so damn proud of you for recognizing that you deserve better!!! Because you do!!! You deserve the whole world and I'm sorry somebody didn't give you the respect you deserved. It's not your fault. Nothing you went through is your fault at all, and I'll say that as many times as you want to hear it.

I completely hear you on the stress side of things -- thank you for empathizing with me. My God, isn't it the fucking worst? The constant stress?? I PROMISE YOU IT GETS BETTER, I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!! I am finally at a point where my anxiety is not killing me 24/7. It took a hot fuckin minute to get here, but I am at a point now where my anxiety will only eat at me for a chunk of my day instead of my whole day. Getting into the Barbie movie literally saved my life. But, like... it's literally a stress disorder, an anxiety disorder. That feeling of it literally EATING at you every single second that you're awake, and even giving you nightmares when you're asleep -- jesus!!! it's so much!!! it's!!! A LOT and it's intense and it's like you never get any peace. BUT I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER!!!!! 😭😭💙💙💙 IT GETS BETTER ANON I SWEAR TO YOU. I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!

One day you will wake up and the person who traumatized you, the events that traumatized you, will NOT be the very first thing popping into your head. One day you'll be able to sit down and eat a sandwich and think to yourself "oh I just went 20 whole seconds without thinking about it". One day you'll be tying your shoe and thinking "oh I think i just went five whole minutes without thinking about it!" slowly, gradually, you will have healed so much, you will look back and think "oh. I'm... so much better than I was."

I actually had this revelation a few weeks ago, I sat down making comics, and then I thought to myself... "...oh... I don't think I thought about my abuser... at all... when a trigger was right in front of my face... for a solid two minutes." I saw a gifset where Margot Robbie was wearing an article of clothing that normally triggers me into a panic attack, but I just kept looking at Margot and thinking "hehehe that's my Barbie!!! <3" and then i realized the trigger was right in front of my face but I was so focused on being gay asf I didn't even realize the trigger was there. And then when I noticed it, my body was like "oh. time to panic" but I managed to push away those feelings and say "nope. nope. that's Barbie. and Barbie is safe. and everything is ok!!!" And two minutes of handling a certain trigger may not seem like a long time, at first... but when you're constantly overwhelmed every single second of every single day... two minutes looks like a blessing. and one day you won't even have to count the minutes anymore. you'll just exist and the misery will only be momentary.

But aside from triggers, now, just in general, I am at a point where I can go hours without remembering my abuser or the events that gave me literally DOZENS of triggers in the first place. Flashbacks are rare, when they used to be constant. I'm not as jittery as I used to be, I'm not as... uh, feeling like I'm going out of my mind, I don't know how else to phrase it, but the anxiety that ptsd gives you literally makes you feel like you're losing your sense of self, and I promise you that feeling goes away with time. I promise you it gets better. I didn't have a support system during my time of need, so my healing process is taking much longer than it would have, so I am hopeful that your healing process is actually going much speedier than mine, even if our circumstances may not be exactly the same ofc but just hearing that you have a therapist helping you out with this is absolutely wonderful. Therapy is so important, paired with self care.

I'm so proud of you anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this and ahhh sorry I'm scatterbrained, it's been a long day and my brain cells are on fire, but!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and I LOVE YOU and IT'S GONNA BE OKAY!!!! IT'S GONNA GET BETTER!!!!!! That feeling of constant anxiety 24/7 is an absolute bitch, but it gets better!!! It gets better!!!! I'll say it a million times, it gets better!!!! And I'm here for you the whole way okay? Please feel free to message me anytime. Ilusm I'm sending you so many hugs and I will be keeping you in my thoughts. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

#thank you for taking the time to empathize with me holy shit #i feel like a lot of ppl dont rly. understand ptsd. unless if they have it. which is normal ofc #or just trauma in general. which is fine! u cant fully understand smth til u go thru it #so when you mentioned the CONSTANT anxiety i was just nodding my head while reading #24/7 your brain is making you remember things you wish you could forget and it aint fun #tips: journal your thoughts everyday to reduce nightmares #bc it helps your brain process things while its awake #so it wont process AS much when youre asleep. that way you get BETTER sleep #more tips: sleeping is so good for u. drinking water is so good for ur Scared Brain #EXERCISING!!!! going for walks in the sunlight helps you with vitamin D + tiring u out faster #so u can sleep easier. bc again. oh my god the sleep is so important. #and sleep is the thing i struggle with the most i only get 3 or 4 hours every night #being social helps so much. im going out with friends at LEAST once a week #and scheduling hangouts with online friends once a week as well. or voice calling #i know it hurts so fucking bad right now but i promise it gets better #i am holding your hand the entire time ok you're not alone. im here for you. #anonymous #asks #ptsd #keepsake

[stefansalvatorecanrailme]

so i have a few questions:

Do you have a script?

if you do what are you scripting for? (like what do you want to shift to?)

have you shifted before?

Again you dont have to answer if you dont want to bc i understand if these are personal :)

Hey, thank you for getting back with me! To start, yes, I have a script. Basically anything I can think that I know for certain I want to happen, have, do, or be - orrrr I don't want - I put down as I think of it. Here are some of the basics of my script:

Name

Age

Friendships, ex: Stefan, Bonnie, Elena, Caroline- from high school

Family/background

Specific events I want to experience, ex: prom, sneaking out with my friends and dancing in the rain for hours, the fun stuff with certain people *cough* Stefan *cough*, etc...

Origin's of the characters, personally I want to experience them the way they are portrayed but I honestly think I'd gut myself watching Elena break Stefan's heart, so I specified what I do and don't want to change while staying as close as possible to the actual plot of the show.

Whether or not I am supernatural. I obviously want to experience being a vampire too because that would be so cool, but the more I thought about it, I thought it would be both exciting to live as a human in such a dangerous place, and it would be intimate to be changed by again a certain person^^^ hehe

Follow-up for my "state of existence" (race I guess? idk... the supernatural stuff), because it is so dangerous, I scripted to have a high pain tolerance, that myself and the people I care about cannot die, that I won't turn my humanity off and neither will the people I care about, but to keep the rush of adrenaline I scripted not to remember those things.

Then theres some basic things for safety and convience, like how time flows, I chose one day there is a second here

(one thing I'd like to add is that anything you script isn't you controlling the universe, you just pick which reality you go to, that's something that people tend to get hung up on a lot with time flow and relationships, time feels the same its just faster in comparison, and you aren't forcing love or friendships, you're just choosing a reality where those relationships are playing or are bound to play out.)

Anyways, to continue-- beyond time flow, I also scripted that I could sleep in my d/r without ever shifting back to my c/r and that I would never come back unintentionally. I know some people say you literally can't but I worry if I think too much about my c/r before I fall asleep it will make my subconscious aware of this reality again, so I threw that in for my peace of mind lol, I made sure to put in that I would remember my experiences there, I know it's kind of a given that you should but again - for my peace of mind, and finally I scripted that I'd have the lifa app, I made my own little version on Picsart- my username on there is @ shiftingforstefan if you want to take a look!

(side note, I also I have a Pinterest board with sub-boards for wardrobe and visualization, if you want the link to it)

Moving On!!

Have I shifted? That's a hard question, technically no, but if you count hearing your cc and feeling a completely different room, and not hearing the guided meditation you had on anymore but opening your eyes too soon to be a yes then yes. I couldn't tell you how long I've been trying but I know it's at least been a year or so, and my first time ever trying I felt like I was high I had so many symptoms. I've came soooo close, and I can hardly sleep most nights because I'm used to keeping part of my brain awake, when I do fall asleep I have the most vivid dreams of my d/r, and I firmly believe I can do it, I choose when I do or don't but divine timing also helps :))

(same for you too!! you choose when you do or don't, and even though it's up to you, sometimes you just have to trust the process, like if you choose to paint a picture, you made the choice, you're painting, but you don't quite get to say when the process is over until you actually finished the painting)

Once again, thank you for getting back with me again! I hope this answers your questions, if you have anymore then please do send in another ask! Just a reminder that what works for me doesn't work for everyone else, and the things I do and say are purely suggestions based on my experience. And another thing before I finish this off, you don't need a script. They can be helpful for personal reasons or for methods, but ultimately, your subconscious knows what you want. So if you don't have one that fine, if you do that's fine, and you don't need to memorize anything.

I hope you find success in your shifting journey, and I'm always here to answer any questions I can!!!

(I can't believe I almost forgot to add this in. Do not be ashamed of anything you want in your desired reality, if you wanna rule the world go rule the world. It your DESIRED reality, why would you not have everything you DESIRE!?!)

xx, shiftingforstefan

#reality shifting #shifting #shifting for stefan #shifting to tvd #desired reality #shifting advice #shifting community #happy shifting #subconscious #vampire diaries #affirmations #subliminals

[oinkawa-bb]

first time dads!haikyuu pt.3

request: Hiii I just read everything you’ve posted and I. Am. In. Love with your writingggg! I was hope to request a part 3 for your first-time dad series for Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Kenma, and Akaashi :) -@lollypop-lam

note: ahhhh!!!! helloo bb~~ thank you so much for your luv<3333 i was rly not expecting so many ppl to read this series!! but i enjoy writing it so here’s a part 3 for you (i tried to add more variety of scenarios for y/n so it’s not all the same!) hehe i hope you like it! thank you for ur request!<3 here is dad!tsukki, akaashi, yams, and kenma

mentions: pregnancy, domesticity, fluff, slight angst, timeskip, fem!reader

part one (daichi, kuroo, oikawa)

part two (iwaizumi, suna, atsumu, osamu)

☀︎—kei tsukishima

he already knew something was different since the day you took the test

kei could sense that you were tenser than usual 

Exhibit A was when you slightly jumped as he placed one hand gently on the small of your back,

it was really nothing out of the ordinary...

so he raises an eyebrow at you, not saying anything, but just questioning with his curious expression

you bite your lip,,,, 

this was unplanned and even though you’ve recently discussed having kids, you’re worried about how kei might feel because honestly you’re pretty anxious,

but when you break the news to him,

the corners of his mouth are upturned into a soft grin

and he quietly pulls you into a hug

you also could’ve sworn that there were tear stains that he left on your shirt after

but when ur in his arms while he’s whispering about how excited he is, you know that you’re ready to have a family with him<33

tsukki likes to express his care for you and his child through subtle affectionate gestures,,

like his favorite thing to do when he comes home from work is envelop you in a back hug,

and he likes to run his large hands gently over your bump, waiting for a kick

when he feels one, you bet your ass that this man is grinning bc he just can’t hide his excitement !!!

i feel like he’d be a super cautious dad-to-be,

like if you’re given prenatal vitamins or told not to eat certain foods,

he has scrutinized the labels and the internet to make sure everything in the house is safe for you and his bb<33

during your whole pregnancy, he’s more logical and clear-minded, but there’s a stark contrast on the day you actually go into labor owo

like i’m talking sweat beads running down the side of his forehead

and his hand clutching yours for dear life as he guides you to the hospital room

during the entire labor, tsukishima can’t be separated from you...

like when you get up to go to the bathroom and make him stand outside, he’s leaned against the door with his arms crossed

he’s acting like a bodyguard?? but like for what idk

he’s quite tense until his baby makes their appearance,

but when he does get to hold the baby, his body is wracked with silent sobs and he’s overcome with a wave of emotion

he’s silent on the outside, 

but his mind can’t even begin to process the monumental amount of love he feels for u and this little bb <333 🥺🥺🥺

dad tsukki has fallen in love all over again.

☀︎—keiji akaashi

akaashi slips into the bedroom when he hears ur sniffling,,

your back faces him, but he can tell that ur hunched over something in your hands...

when he approaches you and sees that your eyes are puffy n swollen,

his voice is filled with concern,

“what’s wrong?”

it takes a moment for you to choke out your words but you manage,

“keiji, i-i’m scared,”

then he catches sight of the white stick in your hands,

and he sees two faint lines sitting on its little screen

he takes a seat next to you, pulling your body against his and pressing a kiss to the temple of your forehead,,,

“what are you scared of when you have me?”

the two of you have a long conversation that night,, 

mostly with akaashi reassuring you that he’s prepared for whatever decision you make and that he’ll always be there to support you🥺

the next morning,

you’ve calmed down and thought clearly about this, realizing that many of your anxieties stemmed from how keiji would react,

but after realizing his willingness to support you,

you can’t help but smile and press a hand to your belly as you look in the mirror in the bathroom

and when akaashi sees this, his heart is so full and excited!!!🥺

throughout your pregnancy, akaashi is overwhelmingly supportive and emotionally reliable,,

he listens to your concerns both physically and mentally, helping you talk through your worries and find solutions,,

he’s also suuuper intimate with you,

bathing and pampering you,

staying up late to talk with you,

waking you up with kisses nd breakfast in bed,,

he’s just the most perfect partner to you. 

and every day you spend beside him reaffirms your excitement to have his child

when the day arrives, you’re beyond anxious,

he can just tell from little gestures you make that you’re more nervous than ever before,

so akaashi has one hand on you at all times during labor, so you can physically feel his support

the process couldn’t have gone more smoothly than it did, and akaashi’s so grateful 

and when he gets to hold the baby against his own chest, 

he’s smiling through the tears that are welling up bc

his eyes now lay upon the most beautiful replica of you.

fugg i luv keiji🥰🥰🥰

☀︎—tadashi yamaguchi

the day you tell yamaguchi you’re pregnant?

he’s probably crying.

no, he’s definitely crying.

he’s also definitely overexcited

so when he went in for a hug, he immediately lets go bc he’s worried that he hugged you too tightly🥺

he’s just a ball of emotions and kind of all over the place!!

but he gets it together asap and is already on dad duty the very next day

making doctor’s appointments, listing purchases to be made, planning for your baby shower, n anything he can do to be prepared

he makes many a few unnecessary purchases

something like a bougie hundred dollar memory foam pregnancy pillow for u 

and a temperature controlled collapsible baby stroller for his bb

his heart was in the right place but his money was not asdgfd

but he wants to treat you like the queen that you are,

so he’s always excited to come home to see you after work

and he likes to bring home things that will make you happy

food and baby clothes and flowers uwuwu

i also think tadashi came up with the idea to start scrapbooking the memories of your soon to be little family of three <33

so he takes cute little polaroids to keep them in a scrapbook

and he also definitely keeps a lil photo of the baby’s ultrasound in his wallet that he often takes peeks at while at work

and he can’t help but smile and tear up at the thought of starting a family w u 🥰

every morning, he just feels so blessed to wake up to the sight of you n your lil bump aka his future child ?!?!!?

and when that realization registers in his brain,

he just has to pull you close to him, plant a kiss to ur belly, and cuddle you for as long as he wants <333

the day you go into labor, yamaguchi lugs like 3 hospital bags frantically out of the house (he definitely stuffed them fully to the brim)

he’s overall pretty anxious but he’s mostly anxious about the pain you’re going thru🥺

with each hour that passes at the hospital, he’s pacing the room back and forth, always coming back to ur bedside to hold ur hand and kiss it many times

when the time finally comes, yamaguchi can’t believe that he’s actually seeing his child irl

like.... he’s in awe of the beauty of his child, just utterly speechless...

it registers a little bit later and he’s crying again

but back home, yamaguchi is always so eager to take care of his baby and he’ll do anything n everything to take care of his child and help u rest and recover

dad yamaguchi melts my heart

☀︎—kozume kenma

so u decide to plan a little surprise for kenma one morning

and he’s all groggy from just waking up, 

but he peeks his eyes open when he hears you shuffling back and forth right at his bedside,,

he sees that you’re only wearing a white oversized tee and he’s about to pull u back in bed for more sleep,

but then kenma’s eyes focus on the text that’s handwritten in sharpie in the center of the shirt over your stomach

“kenma jr.”

he’s never seen this shirt before, and then he’s realizing what it means and his eyes widen in anticipation !!!

so u crawl on top of him and lay your head on his chest while he’s processing,,

“you’re—?”

“yes, kozume. i am.”

he’s smiling with his eyes closed, 

and he lifts his head to kiss your hair before wrapping his arms around you and whispering in your ear that “he doesn’t know a kenma jr. but he can’t wait to meet them”

you swat at his chest jokingly, and he smiles even wider, 

but you don’t see the love that resonates deeply in his eyes when he looks down at you🥺 

bc you end up falling asleep on him lmaooo

but ever since that day, kenma is on high alert whether it looks like it or not...

he’s especially protective of u in public, 

observing those closest to you and gently shifting you out of the way when someone gets too close...

kenma is most affectionate though when he thinks you’re not aware,,

meaning he likes to run his hand over your stomach, admire your sleeping expression, nd gently kiss your hair

all while he thinks you’re asleep but you’re not tho and it makes ur heart explode

kenma also doesn’t struggle to sleep at night, but he ends up choosing to stay awake for as long as u are 

and he stays awake even after u fall asleep bc he likes to whisper some of the sweetest words to just kenma jr uwuwuwu

on the day when kenma accompanies you to the hospital, he’s listening intently to the patterns of your breathing,

so he knows when the pain is worst and he holds onto you tighter during those times,,

after hours of labor, kenma ends up super teary eyed at the sight of his baby,

he’s silently swaying the baby in his arms nd just thinking about how much his heart is overfilling with luv...

he knows kenma jr now... and he loves kenma jr with his whole heart<333

#haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu writing #hq imagines #hq headcanons #hq scenarios #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima x y/n #tsukishima x you #tsukishima headcanons #tsukishima scenarios #tsukishima imagines #tsukishima fluff #akaashi x reader #akaashi x y/n #akaashi x you #akaashi headcanons #akaashi scenarios #akaashi imagines #akaashi fluff #yamaguchi x reader #yamaguchi x y/n #yamaguchi x you #yamaguchi headcanons #yamaguchi scenarios #yamaguchi imagines #yamaguchi fluff #kenma x reader

[mintchanniemint]

pairing: [still friends] bassist!chan x (fem)reader wordcount:  ~2.6k  [these events are not chronologically connected to the previous parts!] taglist: @100797-bc @chansrms

Achoo! 

You groaned as your own sneeze made you feel like your whole head spinned for five minutes straight. You were desperately trying to reach for your phone on the bedside table but your forces were nearly nonexistent, it felt so difficult to even just move your eyes. You could hear the never-ending buzzing of the device, and you couldn't even wonder who would be able to make so many notifications pop up in such a short time. You had caught a bad cold, probably due to the previous night, but you weren't even able to tell your friends about it. You just hoped they didn't worry that much. You sighed, giving up on your small mission to let your hands finally reach your phone and decided to rest a little bit, hoping you would gain some energy to get up and go get some medicine for your headache. Not even ten minutes had passed and that peaceful, way too silent silence got interrupted by a really long hold on your doorbell. 

You suddenly opened your eyes and stared intensely at the white ceiling. It's Chan. Only that guy was able to be so annoying just by ringing the bell. But how could you tell him you got sick? And that it was entirely your fault since he warned you and told you to bring a jacket with you and then found yourself in an unfortunate rainstorm with just a simple t-shirt? 

"Eugh… give me a minute…" You murmured, somehow hoping your voice could reach your friend's ears although it left your mouth in a really low whisper. The ringing got even more annoying and obnoxious and you took a deep breath before finally trying to leave your warm bed. "The quicker I move, the faster it will end." You kept repeating to yourself as you got up, tried not to lose balance, stomped your feet around to catch both your slippers but being able to only wear one, and proceeding with quickly moving from your room to the front door, your right hand always following the wall by your side as everything around you was spinning. 

You struggled a bit with the various locks but then you finally were able to open the door, and the annoying ringing stopped when your tired, heavy eyes met with the red haired guy's. 

"Why didn't you answer my messages-" 

Your ears were barely able to catch those words before everything around you suddenly turned off. 

The next thing you saw was that familiar white ceiling: you were back in your bed, under many warm blankets, and a beeping thermometer under your arm.  Your gaze slowly moved to your side, seeing a bottle of water where your phone was previously left on your nightstand. Raindrops gently hitting against the surface of the window as you got welcomed by your friend.

"You're awake." Chan's soft voice reached your senses as you felt like you were slowly relaxing. He sat on the bed and your eyes focused on his silky features, as his warm hand got the thermometer from under your arm and he checked the temperature.

"Is it bad?" 

He only sighed, his eyes fixed on the display. 

"That bad?" Your voice sounded a bit worried and he quickly turned off the small device and put it back in its case. His eyes met with yours and his gaze softened as he let his hand wander under the four piles of blankets just to look for yours, and hold it. 

"It's really bad. Why didn't you listen to me and left without bringing a jacket with you." 

There he goes! You huffed and you quickly pinched the same warm hand you were distractedly letting your fingers trace on a few seconds before.

"Did you really come all the way to my house, ring my damn door for, like, ten minutes without even giving me a break, only to scold me?" 

"Yes." 

You pinched his hand even harder. 

"Not only for that."

Your two fingers let go of his hand for a second, distractedly tapping on the same spot they were previously pinching, waiting for him to continue. 

"I also got to see you faint in front of me." 

"You're such an idiot." You couldn't help but let a tired giggle leave your lips, as those words were blurred out together. 

"Make sure to eat something before taking your medicine." 

You looked at him in silence, blinking a few times as your eyes didn't move from his. It was as if you were trying to tell him something without actually saying it.

C’mon, c’mon, c’mon… don’t make me say it- 

"Why are you looking at me like that." 

"...Channie, I'm kinda sick, could you please make me some food? A sandwich maybe? Hm? Hm? Or porridge? What about some-" 

"Don't call me Channie-" 

"Oh, c'mon! Please, please, please!"  You started whining right away, now both of your hands holding his and randomly pulling it and just… throwing a whole tantrum while trying to keep a cute tone in your voice. His expression didn't change a bit, he was definitely not surprised by that whole theatrical scene. 

"Okay, okay. I'll make something for you. Stay here and sleep." 

You suddenly stopped and looked at him with sparkly eyes as you started to loudly thank him. 

"You don't look that sick anymore, though. Maybe I can just go home-" 

"No, don't go!"  Those words left your mouth before your brain could even register what you were going to say. You looked at Chan in silence as he was clearly processing what you said. Those were, really, a few simple words; but it was probably the veiled desperation hidden in your tone that got both of you quite startled. When did you even become this clingy?

He didn't say anything, probably not to make that small situation even more embarrassing, and left your room, not before making sure that you were going to rest and not follow him around. 

"But Chan, this is my house!" 

"I'm in charge of cooking today. I don't want to see you wander around the house like a lost raccoon looking for food." 

You had no words left to win that debate so you just huffed and hid under your blankets, leaving only your face uncovered as you stared at a small wolf plushie sitting on your desk; its cute, closed eyes reciprocating your gaze. You started to feel your mind slowly wander from thought to thought before you finally fell asleep, hoping to feel better after the nap. 

You couldn't really tell how much time had passed, but you tried to slowly open your heavy, tired eyes as you were feeling, once again, the whole world spinning around you. 

"Gwah… Chan…?"  You mumbled as you heard his steps, signaling that he probably just finished cooking some small meal for you. He left a bowl on the nightstand and sat on the bed. He probably could tell that you were more in pain than earlier. 

"Are you okay? Do you have a headache?"  His voice reached your ears in a soft, low tone, the only way you could answer was by slowly nodding. You felt his big hand quickly reaching your forehead.

"Gosh, I can't even open my eyes…"  You blurted out and slowly opened one eye as you tried to somehow focus on Chan, sitting right next to you, his back now facing you as he was looking for the thermometer he had used earlier to check your temperature. 

Before you could even say anything else, he suddenly turned around once again, his dark eyes meeting with yours for a fraction of seconds before you squeezed your eyes. 

"It hurts…"  You mumbled under your breath. Chan just sighed, his soft hand slowly moving some strands of hair from your face.  His hands felt quite cold, probably meaning that you were boiling hot since they were usually warm whenever he touched you.  You turned your head, letting your cheek lazily rub against the palm of his hand.  The red haired guy suddenly moved a bit closer to you, hesitant for a bit, before you felt his soft, plump lips rest against your forehead. 

What…?! 

You abruptly opened your eyes, but he was leaning against you and all you could see was his torso covered by one of his usual black hoodies. 

"Chan-" 

"Yeah, you're getting worse. Can you sit properly? So you can eat." 

Damn… why couldn’t he just use the thermometer?! It’s literally in his hands!

That was quite unexpected, the words you were trying to say faded on the tips of your lips and before you could even realize it, you were now sitting on your bed. Chan moved various pillows behind your back so you could rest comfortably and he brought a small cloth to put on your lap, on top of the various layers of soft blankets that were covering you. 

"What’s on the menu today, chef?"  You giggled lightly, your voice not able to filter your tiredness as you suddenly sneezed. You were glad he left three boxes of tissues right next to you. You were able to catch a really light smile painting his lips before he sat down holding the bowl in one hand and a spoon in the other. 

"Just some porridge."  He replied with his usual colourless voice, although you had to admit that at this point you were able to see every single one of the many colours that he always coldly tried to hide from others. 

"Here, be careful not to get your blankets dirty while eatin-" 

"Aaaaahn..."  You didn't even think twice before making that really childish noise as you opened your mouth, waiting for Chan to feed you. Your eyes met his as realization was slowly hitting you. 

… wait a minute… 

Was I just… supposed to… not… Chan… wasn't he…  

Silence brutally struck in the room as you suddenly felt like that plushie on your desk got really and fascinatingly interesting to stare at and to give your whole attention to. 

He wasn't going to feed me! I'm such an idiot! Why did I even think about that? What's wrong with me!! 

Your mind was getting beaten up by such thoughts as your eyes intensely kept staring at the plushie, completely ignoring Chan next to you. 

"I heard all of that." 

You nearly screamed as you quickly looked at him, your eyes drowning in terror. 

Is he some wizard or something? Did I talk out loud?! No… Maybe he’s an alien?

You quickly brought your hands on top of your head, as you started glaring at him, your lips pressed in a pout and your fingers slightly tapping on your head. 

"What are you doing now, the food might get cold if you keep messing around, idiot." 

"What am I thinking now? Can you read my mind?! How much do you know?!" 

He looked at you, clearly unamused, and took a deep breath as he stirred the meal in the bowl. 

"Here, open your mouth. You're clearly not gonna recover from this at all."  Ignoring your words, he carefully led the spoon full of warm porridge to your pouty lips and, as you kept staring at him, hands still on your head, you slowly opened your mouth, welcoming the exquisite food that the bassist in front of you was able to make. 

"Mh… it's really good!"  You mumbled between spoonfuls. Chan kept feeding you and, after you thanked him for the meal, he gave you a glass of water and medicine. 

"Drink it, so that headache won't bother you anymore."  He said, as you were slowly drinking your medicine.  It tasted so bad and you couldn't help but whine, looking at the glass in your hands with a rather upset expression, when you suddenly heard a giggle coming from Chan. 

"You looked so ugly right now." 

"Hey! So rude! Don’t make fun of me!"  You jokingly stuck your tongue out. He smiled and lightly booped your nose before he got up and brought the bowl and glass back to the kitchen. 

As you could faintly hear him washing the dishes, you lay down again under your blankets, your eyes following some random raindrops that would end up against your window, racing against each other and tracing abstract figures on the glass.  You were feeling really thankful for Chan, if he wasn't there you probably would have spent the whole day sleeping not able to take care of yourself. He was always there for you, he would always come to help at the right moments and although sometimes you might have shown reluctance to him, you had to admit that you had always enjoyed every single second spent with him by your side. 

As you were getting immersed in your own thoughts, your eyes suddenly met with those of the fluffy wolf plushie that was previously on your desk.  You didn't notice Chan entering your room and in order to get your attention, and maybe also make you cheer up a bit, he decided to use that plushie you intensely stared at before you had your meal.

"Isn't he cute?"  You smiled at him, taking the plushie in your hands and slowly patting its cute head. 

"Mh."  He nodded, he looked both way too focused and distracted at the same time. You often wondered what was going on in his mind, sometimes finding yourself wishing you were secretly able to read his thoughts.

"Chan, are you okay-" 

"Be careful next time." 

"Oh, c'mon… this stuff can happen! I'm completely fine now, thank you. And sorry… for probably ruining your whole day? It’s also raining, you shouldn’t have come all the way to my h-" 

“I was in the area anyway.”

Yeah, no. He used that excuse so many times, along with his usual “I was at the grocery store” when the same exact store is also in his neighbourhood. He often tried to save himself saying that “the cookies in the one next to your house are better”, but you just let him be and as a consequence he was probably convinced you fully believed in that tiny lie. 

You didn't get any kind of reply from him besides those few words, and you started to think that… maybe you did ruin his day? What if he had other plans? What if he was supposed to go practice but instead he got stuck spoonfeeding his way-too-stupid-but-not-enough-not-to-catch-a-cold friend? 

You sighed, but before you could say anything, his hands took the plushie from yours and he carefully examined it in silence. 

"Tell her she might be stupid, but that she would never ruin my days." 

"Chan, what-" 

"And tell her that she might be careless sometimes, but that she's also really strong and that I would always come to help her no matter what." His eyes were glued on the soft cartoonish wolf in his hands, and as every single word left his lips, you could feel your cheeks heating up and this time was definitely not because of the fever. As your tired eyes tried to focus a bit more on Chan’s face, you were able to notice that his cheeks as well were now tinted in a gentle light red.

"...And tell her that I can't read her mind. That place is probably some maze full of weird fantasies about me feeding her." 

"Hey, stop that!"  You suddenly looked away, covering your face with the blanket as you tried your best not to get up and use the little energy left in you to knock him out. 

"You idiot!"  You mumbled, your voice wasn't able to hide that shy smile printed on your face, but before you could even formulate a proper answer to everything he said, you heard a small, gentle and comically serious "boop." leave Chan's lips as he made the grey plushie gently hit your forehead. 

"And lastly, tell her to get better soon. I want to go look at the stars with her again."

#skz imagines #stray kids scenarios #inkidz #skz scenarios #skz soft #skz fluff #bang chan au #bang chan imagines #bang chan scenarios #skz au #bassist!chan #bang chan #skz chan fluff #skz chan au #skz chan scenario #stray kids fic #skz fics

[cuddlecave]

is xiphoid

first: you *are* good

next: alright thingrey au

how bout an alternate 'the team finds out the shapeshifter is still alive, whoops!' but in an utterly disastrous way

it's been a while since antarctica! a long while, and gord and benr *meant* to tell the team about them ages ago, when benr became human shaped again, but there just never seemed to be a good time? and really, whats one more day, week, month...

anyway the team is utterly oblivious of benr, but being aware of gord, means that's they've noticed he's not been spending as much time with them! been spending, like, a lot of time at home, actually--or away from town. sometimes even avoiding them! they're worried, bc really, this is not the way to deal with trauma, gord! you don't pull away from your friends, you get help! just bc you can't see a therapist doesn't mean you shouldn't try to process it!

anyway, gords generally cagey about where he is, but on a rare team night where he had come to hang over...they very much on purpose get him drunk. now, drunk gord is still pretty fucking cagey (he loves his boyf and would never endanger him if possible), which is a shame, but tom is able to ask a question casually enough that gord doesn't think about it...and ends up telling them he goes out to the [insert desert area here] sometimes. when pressed on why he goes, he seems to realize he made a mistake, and bolts, cutting the night short.

now, credit to gord, him and benr don't go back to that particular desert area after that. but the team are damn smart, and figure that just bc he's not at that area anymore, doesn't mean he's not in *any* desert area anymore.

takes some trial and error--figuring out when gord seems to be out (he never answers his phone when he's out, his car is not at home), and then checking a desert area (didn't get anything but desert the first few times). but eventually...they find his car.

things paint...a worrying picture. there's camping/chilling gear in the car (chairs and a shitty tent, left from when gord tried camping several years ago and never bothered to remove from his car) but they're not set up and gords not there? the doors arent locked and the keys are in ignition? (gord doesn't want to drop his keys running from benr, he did that once and it sucked. also why he doesn't bring his phone! but he's out like 55 miles from the nearest town, who's gonna steal his car?) there's torn up foliage around, as if something big came through (benr may give gord a head start, but he still likes to be big enough to a) chase well, and b) nom gord after), and most worryingly--a set of human footprints in the sand, clearly running based on stride. and some strange larger footprint *next to them*.

their friend was ambushed by something big, and is going to get got. (this is not entirely untrue. not ambushed, but definitely going to get got, lol.) they set off quickly following the footprints.

meanwhile-gord and benr are having a *great* time! the exercise feels nice for both of them, it's a cloudy day so it's shady, they're gonna order pizza and play playstation after this--its gonna be a wonderful day. it already is!

gord, at this point, is beginning to tire out. benr is getting closer. he pushes himself a bit farther, to stretch out the chase just a touch longer, and makes a sharp turn around a rock formation, causing benr to briefly crash into it, giving him a few more steps. but he's tired, and well, benr has better stamina--and agility. benr bounds over the rock formation and uses it's height to gain just a bit of an extra boost, and tackle-hugs gord. they nearly crash into some sharp shrubs, but they're fine.

gord turns and looks up at benr and grins, and benr leans down to him, and gives him a long kiss. gord hums in contentment and relaxes. he's gonna get to doze, now, before driving. naptime, hell yeah.

benr picks him up to swallow him and he just remains basically limp, exhausted, letting benr manhandle him, gently maneuvering him into his jaws. he's swallowed with little fanfare, and happily settles in his tum, almost immediately starting to doze as benr starts to walk.

then he hears screaming, and benr sharply moves, and suddenly he's wide awake.

-

the team follow the tracks. it's a long walk, even moving at speed--gord must have really been booking it, which means hopefully he's still safe, got away some how. surely nothing would chase him for too long, when he was outrunning it this well. the trail goes on and on and on--its looking less like this thing gave up. and gords footsteps are shorter, he's not managing a hard run anymore. they're coming up on a rock formation--its still several hundred feet away. close enough to see a figure that can only be gord run from behind it, but far, far to far away to do anything about what happens next.

they see him turn sharply, and something big hits the rocks, clearly taken off guard. he makes it a few steps. and the team look on in absolute horror as what can only be the shapeshifter jumps off the top of the rocks, and tackles gord to the ground. they're partially obscured by the desert plants, but it's enough to see, even at this distance, the rippling body parts of the creature, pinning gord down.

the thing leans its head down toward gord, and they can't see what's happening with the plants and distance. and then.

it picks a completely unmoving gord up, and swallows him whole.

oh, god. it snapped his neck. it ate him. it's going to try to finish what it started in antarctica oh fuck does anyone have a flamethrower?!

a seeing it stand and start to leisurely walk in the direction they came from, they're finally broken from they're spell of silence and horror. somebody starts screaming angrily, and bubby has a lighter and big spray, making a makeshift flamethrower--and they run towards it in vengeance.

it notices them and sharply turns, booking it in the opposite direction.

(1/?)

continued under the read more!

(cont) oh fuck, thinks benr. this is not good. Not Good at all. gord frantically asks what's going on?! and goes cold when benr says 'ur friends saw us. and buby has fire.' the good thing is, benr is bigger and faster than humans. the bad thing is that he's been running all morning and now has over 200 pounds of boyf swaying in him, even if he's holding gord as tight as possible so he's not getting thrown everywhere. he's not gonna last long, and there's nowhere to hide. gord is furiously thinking. but he's also exhausted, and panicking. the thoughts in his brain are sticky like drying glue when he tries do something with them, and he can feel benr slowing. it's not by much, but his alien bf getting hurt *at all* is unacceptable, so. he decides to stop thinking and start doing. he tells benr to 'stop and let me out! as fast as you can!' and benr skids to a stop and turns half facing the approaching team, and splits his abdomen open and gord comes tumbling out into the light, getting immediately covered in dust and mud sticking to the saliva covering him. it's kinda gross, but at the moment it's not even registering, bc in those moments buby has nearly caught up. gord stands, pushes benr behind him, who let's himself be pushed purely out of surprise, and holds his hands out. 'its me! I'm fine it's ok it's me, please I can explain, just turn off the fire! it's ok!' but the thing is, as far as they're concerned...'you fucking imposter we saw gord die! get a better lie!' and buby is still running full tilt at them. gord has enough time to think, *aw fuck, this is gonna hurt*, before buby lights his makeshift flamethrower and gord is suddenly extremely hot, in pain, and knocked on his back. he can see the sky for a quick moment, before what can only be benr is standing over him, protecting him from further fire. a few limbs quickly use the dirt to put out the couple embers on his shirt (well, what's left of his shirt...) buby jerks back at the large being leaping in his direction, but it stops as it stands over the gord-imposter. which... is not moving. or writhing like the shapeshifter, or trying to split off from the damaged part. it's just...lying there. shallowly breathing as if in shock. buby gets a bit of a sinking feeling. - I got tired after writing this but basically benr tries to angle around enough to protect gord and also use teal green on him from another mouth. the team quickly figure out something is fucky, and that gord...might not be a Thing?? gord is in zero shape to have a real conversation--burns are serious business, and he basically passes out during teal-green. so why was the creature... protecting gord?? especially if it ate him?!?! there's an uneasy (extremely uneasy) truce, and benr carries gord back to the car, flamethrower pointed at them the whole way. they leave gords car and take them both back to toms place, in the car they drove in. it is supremely awkward. especially when gord wakes up for half a minute, kisses benr, and passes out again. not sure how it would go from there,, .... didn't mean to accidentally write a minific but here we are!! I really like the 'extreme misunderstanding vore' trope, lol.

ohhhh man this is like an angsty version of a regular not-a-game au idea i've thought up before o: thinking about what would happen next... the whole car ride home, benb was hitting gord with more healing (tho he gave the guys ample warning first about what he was doing so they wouldn't think he was attacking or something), and thanks to that, gord's burns are healed up to the point where he doesn't need hospitalization, just some burn cream and good rest to finish it off. (and a hair cut. benb is very sad that he couldn't repair gord's burned hair and beard. when gord's awake again he's just "Dude it'll grow back, don't worry." "i knooowwww but it still sucks. your hair was SO pretty. and you look like a sixteen-year-old without facial hair. kinda weird. babyfaceman." "WOW shut up."). when gord's awake and aware enough again, they all have a sit down and get an explanation from him and benb. benb goes on to basically give a summary of his whole backstory; explain what exactly he his and how he got to earth, and what he was trying to do both at the b'mesa base and that first norwegian base he first thawed out in. when he gets to the part about why he never wanted to hurt the sciteam, that does a pretty good job of warming them up to him. "the thing about that frzn guy is he was a total asshole. HUGE douche canoe. and i was like 'maaaan i don't wanna be this guy, he suuuuucks', but then i noticed that he'd hardly ever interacted with anybody else there. new guy on the base. nobody knew him, or knew what he was like. so i figured i could get away with acting like myself instead of him, and nobody would notice. i've never been able to just be me around other people, only when alone. i didn't really... know how it was gonna turn out. but you guys ended up liking me! you invited me to come hang out on breaks, and play video games, and watch movies, and talk about soda and photography and it was fun and nice and good! you were nice to my dog body, too. giving me a name and everything... you're all great cools. i got attached to you guys. like, super attached. didn't wanna hurt you, ever. 's the reason i never touched the sled dogs, too- i knew tommy would be sad if something happened to the dogs, and i didn't wanna make him sad." (bubs probably acts like he's not touched by that, but he is :B and also, like i've said in a post on my main, bubs feels some sympathy towards benb after hearing about his origins as an unethical science experiment. bubs wasn't grown in a lab in this au, but he was still subjected to some painful "knowledge tubes" experiments due to his contract with b'mesa. so he still knows that feel, bro. unwilling lab rat solidarity.) benb apologizes for everything in antarctica, and bubs apologizes for torching gord, but then the team asks what the fuck? happened in the desert?? and gord explains the "one-sided tag" game they do to help benb burn up energy, and that benb was just carrying gord to let him rest from the run on the way back to the car. ("Carrying you in his stomach, though?" "nah i don't put him where food goes. it's the uhhhh *lip smack* nap organ. custom made for sleeping in. bedry time.") (they also at one point explain "also we're dating" to which gord gets accused of being a monsterfucker ha ha. and then benb's like "ew no i'm ace" and harold goes on about how beautiful interracial young love is.)

#long post #bf tum is the warmest place to hide

[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

#ichapersonal #really just. scroll past. #it's just an episode i need to let it out or else it'll eat me out #anyway back into Repressing Stuff.

[batwake]

i might be dreaming (i might be dead)

#it 2017 #reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #reddie fan fiction #shut up mary #anti soulmate au

[taeminsphltrum]

I Just Called To Say

Wonho | Fluff | WC: 1.7k

But what it is, is something true Made up of these three words that I must say to you

“I love you.”

You blink slowly, trying to process the words you just heard. Moving the phone away from your ear, you squint your eyes to look at the screen, reading the name and time at the top of it.

“Hoseok,” you yawn, rubbing an eye and rolling onto your back. “Do you know what time it is?”

Your eyes widen a bit and blink a little faster to adjust to the pitch black surrounding you, and you wait for him to check and see that it’s four in the morning.

“Yes, I know I probably shouldn’t have called you because you have to wake up in a few hours for work but I—”

“Baby, slow down.” He’s talking way too fast, his words blending into each other and your brain is still in its waking up stages so you need him to talk a little slower.

He takes a deep breath before continuing.

“I can’t sleep, and when I can’t sleep I think about a lot of shit,” when he pauses, you hum. “And we’ve been together for a while now. Next week it’ll be six months, right?”

You hum again, switching back to your original position on your side, snuggling further into you comforter. “On Wednesday.” The smallest of smiles stretch your lips because you know he’s downplaying how he feels about this halfway mark in your relationship.

“I know you said you don’t want to do anything for month-anniversaries—”

You snort. “Because they’re pointless.”

Hoseok sighs. He’s always been such a hopeless romantic and you can be one too, but you grew out of celebrating each month of being with someone and prefer to go all out for milestone dates. But you know how excited he is for each month that you’ve officially been together and you feel kind of bad you let that slip out. You blame it on your brain still not completely functioning and not being able to filter your thoughts as fast.

“I’m regretting waking you up,” he deadpans and you snort again.

“So I can go back to sleep?” And when he sighs again, you roll your eyes. Your attempt to lighten the mood clearly isn’t working. “Baby, I’m kidding. Tell me what’s on your mind, I won’t joke around anymore.”

Hoseok hesitates for too long and you call his name, trying to prompt him to let everything on his mind and chest out on the table.

“I don’t know… I was just thinking about how happy you make me. Even when we were just friends and I didn’t even know I wanted to be with you… you’ve always made me happy and I knew I always wanted you to be in my future.”

You don’t think you’ll ever get used to how open he is with his feelings. Not that you’re incapable of expressing yourself, it just takes a little push for you to let it all out like he can.

“We don’t always see eye-to-eye but you balance me out so well and you’ve ruined my expectations for everyone else. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of having to find someone else.”

He’s barely getting started and you have a feeling your cheeks will be wet because you’re a softy for romantic confessions—especially when it comes from the man on the phone—and aching from smiling so hard because he always seems to know the right things to say, even when he’s unsure of his words.

“Ah, I’m getting off topic.” You almost tell him it’s okay and to stay on the mistaken topic, but you just bite your lip and let him get back on track. “Since you promised we could do something on Wednesday, I already have everything put together… but I’m second guessing it all.”

You aren’t hard to please. A simple dinner and movie are enough to make you the happiest girl in the world. Some cuddling and kisses added is the perfect date. Not saying going all out wouldn’t have the same effect, but you’re sure that anything he puts together will be just fine. Knowing he took the time and energy to do something for you is enough to have you okay with anything. He knows what you don’t like, so you’re not worried in the slightest. But Hoseok is such a caring and loving person who always wants to make sure others are pleased and he second guesses himself up until he realizes they’re more than content and he was worried for nothing.

But, you’re not going to tell him he’s over analyzing it. After years of knowing how he works, you know he hates it the most when people tell him something isn’t that deep and to stop thinking so hard.

“I just don’t want it to be a total flop because I’m really excited about it,” he sighs.

“If you’re so excited about it, I love it already,” you speak softly.

“Like I was saying before, you always make me so happy and I want to have the same effect on you, you know? I know you say I do but I can’t help but doubt—”

“Hoseok. I will hang up on you if you continue that sentence.”

Hoseok isn’t clingy. He doesn’t crave your attention every second of the day. He doesn’t have an exaggerated need for validation, but every once in a while it’s good for him to hear how much he means to you, how much you love him.

“As cheesy as it sounds, from the day we became friends you’ve made me the happiest I’ve been since I was a kid. When I realized I had feelings for you I didn’t get scared like I always had in the past. Do you think I’ve ever confessed to a guy first?” you chuckle, remembering how abrupt and unprepared your confession was. The look on his face was priceless and you wish you would’ve caught his reaction on camera. “Just hearing your name makes me smile and makes my stomach feel weird, and you have the audacity to doubt if you make me happy?”

You’re wide awake by now, his uncertainty alerting your brain. It’s not even like you did something to make him feel this way, but you feel like you have to let him know he has no reason to feel that way without telling him he’s over analyzing things because his nerves are getting to him.

It’s quiet for too long after you open your heart up to him a little. “Did you fall asleep on me?”

The sniffle you get in response has a wide smile slowly making its way on your face.

“Are you crying?” You try to sound worried but the amusement can’t be shielded. Maybe you aren’t the one meant to cry tonight.

“Shut up.”

You openly laugh, apologizing when he starts mumbling under his breath that he can’t stand you and an empty threat of hanging up on you.

“Seriously, though. I know I don’t say it as often as you do but I love you so so so much and I’m so happy I snatched you before Jihyun did.”

He chuckles, followed by a long inhale.

“Thank you.”

His voice is the softest you’ve ever heard and it makes your tummy do a little flip.

“For what?”

“For putting up with me. I know I’m a mess sometimes and I really try to control my emotions but sometimes…” he struggles to finish his sentence, so you jump in.

“Hush. You’re perfectly fine and I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

You know he’s smiling on the other side of the phone and keeps your smile in place. You don’t mind getting woken up at the asscrack of dawn when it comes to Hoseok, and you love your sleep. So if that isn’t enough proof of how whipped you are for the kid, you don’t know what else could be.

“If these are your thoughts on a restless night, I can only imagine what your vows will be.”

Shrugging the cover off, you swing your legs off the bed and slip your slippers on. You make your way out of your room and into the kitchen, turning on the hallway light as you pass it for some guidance because you just moved and you don’t have the place memorized yet.

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and see,” Hoseok chuckles, voice a little deeper than before and his words and tone have you biting back another smile as you grab a water bottle and take a few sips. All this talking after being asleep for hours has your throat as dry as a desert.

Months in and it still feels like you’re in your honeymoon phase because you’re always smiling when you speak to him, or even when he simply gets brought up by a friend or a parent.

“Mm, can’t wait.”

Leaning against the counter, you look up at the clock on the stove and the time reads a quarter past five. You can’t see yourself falling back asleep anytime soon and all you can think of is cuddling with your boyfriend while the sun rises in an hour or so, watching a movie or continuing your heart to heart.

“Do you have work tomorrow? Or today, whatever.”

“I don’t go in until two-thirty, why?”

“You should pack a bag and come over,” you propose, twisting and untwisting the bottle’s cap with your forefinger and thumb.

“Don’t you have work at—”

“No one said I work tomorrow,” you laugh.

There’s rustling on the other side and a grunt, followed by a clicking noise you’re assuming was his light switch illuminating his room.

“Say no more, I’ll be there in twenty.”

This is so fluffy and sweet my tooth hurts omg idk how I’m managing to write all this fluff bc I suck at expressing my feelings asjukldlk; enjoy 

#wonho scenario #wonho scenarios #mxwriters #kpocwriters #monsta x scenarios #monsta x scenario #mx scenarios #mx scenario

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

I'm not sure if you're awake right now but I wanna ask, can you describe some things your ocd causes(I don't know if that's a good word to use but it's all I can think of) you to do? I'm wanting to write a story involving a character with ocd, while I'm doing research I remembered (I might be wrong though so feel free to correct me) that I think you said somewhere before you had it and since you kind of inspire me to go after things I thought I ask. If it's too personal feel free to delete!

Also, ocd story anon, I read that trauma can be a cause of ocd, do you believe that your ocd could've come from your trauma?

This is a very very long response going into a few of my (and some alters) OCD traits and some reasoning behind them and the range of responses I have to various triggers. It actually helps me analyze my traits better when ppl ask stuff like this so I may have gone overboard as stuff kinda clicked in my brain but hopefully somewhere in here you will get your answer.

So, I’m going to start with the last question first. MY OCD was not caused by my trauma, however my traumas have completely shaped my compulsions and obsessions to a point where my OCD traits are almost inseparable from my PTSD. See, I’m autistic, and OCD is part of this co-morbidity package a lot of autistic people end up with, to a point where the co-morbid disorders are often not even diagnosed after the autism is because its that common. (They’ll diagnose separately if you need treatment for one of them. like the reason i have ADHD and OCD listed as dx’s is because the doctors count them separately on me bc i need medication for them, but they’re extremely common to the point of being expected with most ASD dxs)

Yes, I have OCD and have always had, but my trauma caused so much anxiety that the disorder reshaped itself around specific triggers. There are many layers to my OCD, it’s actually a strange sort of nonspecific looking presentation because of how many alters also have OCD, so it becomes difficult to tell who has which O and C thus there being a lot of inconsistency in whether or not a trigger affects me.

It’s also worth nothing that some doctor’s feel that I fit under the specific label of “scrupulosity” or rOCD (Religious OCD) because of how much of my stuff revolves around religion. I don’t always agree that it’s this because while my O and C are based on religious themes, I don’t believe in the concepts behind the things. I believe most of the religious stuff is just from religious trauma.

On one layer, I have a number obsession. There are certain numbers that are tolerable, a few that are “cursed,” and one that is “blessed” and one that is “perfect.” I will do anything to change things to match my blessed and perfect numbers. I will even fudge the truth a little (not a lie, often an exaggeration, by about one or two digits) to make something fit those numbers. To randomly come across a cursed number or even just a slightly intolerable one, makes me very anxious and can shape how i spend my day and how much time i spend with my better numbers. The way my trauma shaped this compulsion was that my numbers tie to religious stuff, since my traumatic environment was often religious, or trauma would be inflicted with religious reasons.

There is an alter that has a compulsion to say a prayer. When we have intrusive thoughts (which you super need to research if you’re writing OCD bc it is a KEY PART of the disorder but ill go into it later here), someone starts reciting the prayer. Sometimes I will as well just because it’s easier to go along with it. Not completing the prayer is not an option. I mean that with absolutely every intent. Not completing the prayer is NOT AN OPTION. It does elieviate some background anxiety, so whoever is dealing with that is being helped by the compulsion, but it is extremely frustrating and upsetting, especially since i am as non-religious as i can possibly manage to be. The prayer is also said whenever something is uneasy or something triggers specific flashbacks.

One of the most obviously noticeable and upsetting for all involved O and C is being “dirty.” There’s a VERY wide range of triggers here, from actually dirty/germy/unclean things, to unpleasant/intolerable sensory triggers, all the way to conceptual dirtiness like sin, virginity, and lying. This can affect me subtly sometimes, like how i compulsively tell the truth and over share so that i feel clean or how i cannot go to sleep after a fight if it has not been resolved. (”never go to bed angry” they said, well shit now i literally cant cool.) This can also hit me violently and to a point where I am a danger to myself. I worked at a movie theater for a summer some time ago and touched something that was a bad sensory feeling while cleaning a dirty theater. I then proceeded to scrub my hands in near-boiling water for almost fifteen minutes in the break room, broke down sobbing, and when I got home i sat under very very hot water in the shower until my skin was raw and red for days. It doesn’t often get to that point, but when it does, I’ve been held down for my own safety since I’ll literally rip my skin and bite myself to punish myself for being dirty. It is frequently bad enough that I will let myself do something “dirty” as a form of self harm since it seriously makes me miserable and sick. This stuff comes both from religious trauma and from just....crappy normal autism feelings and manifests as my most disabling OCD trait.

There are other things like closing drawers and straightening and arranging things that are done to feel that I am being “good” because of reprimands I received in the past that made me feel like I am “bad.” I am sometimes able to not act on these compulsions, though it takes conscious effort to choose not to. Whether or not this stems from trauma doesn’t really matter to me. I know that most of the fronting alters have these “little OCDs” be it through me or for their own reasons. Tia for instance has to keep things in the kitchen a certain way and Phoebe has to complete certain physical activities a certain way or else she gets upset or feels she did a very bad job/failed.Since I’m really just. going at this question lmao lets talk a little about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are upsetting/disturbing/unacceptable thoughts you do not take pleasure in. For me, a few of them make me feel dirty, which triggers my compulsions very badly. Some relate to trauma, others don’t make sense. There are very common ones such as urges to kill or mutilate self or others, urges to do disastrous things (like causing a huge car accident), urges to do disgusting sexual acts (to self or others, often to unacceptable people like children, elders, and the undesired sex), urges to become a serial killer/rapist/shooter/etc, and other such painfully upsetting things such as those. These are often what fuel the obsessions in OCD and the compulsions are to make these thoughts stop or hurt less. Personally, I get a lot of sexual ones because of how poorly the topic was handled in my childhood. I get ones about elaborately slaughtering a specific abuser, about doing things that will kill me, about mutilating myself and mutilating pets (those are the ones that fuck me up the most i think), and about doing very destructive things that would harm a lot of people. I also get some about terrorism happening where I am, but that one is FOR SURE a trauma thing so maybe it could just be my PTSD. 

Intrusive thoughts occur with a LOT of different disorders!!!!! It’s just OCD when you have compulsions to cope with them. Even then, it has to be a certain way for it to qualify.

I hope I was able to give you somewhere to start in terms of information. OCD is a very big disorder and is a major reason why I’m unable to function in a workplace environment. I didn’t go into the specifics of every compulsion, but if you have questions, I don’t mind talking about this stuff. It helps me process it to explain it to others and I end up healing a little through oversharing I think.

#bootsie's advice column #collective #bootsie's adventures #Anonymous

[nyancheetosmusical]

Defective Squip Possession

@justpidgance and I somehow got to the topic of defective Squips and it occurred to me; what if the Squip was broken and no longer logical, and wished to expedite the process of Jeremy becoming cool?

So I wrote it, and here it is, lovingly copy and pasted from our Skype chat and in the super messy style I use to write ideas like this.

(just a warning if you need it, there’s violence and breaking bones and a fair amount of angst)

the idea is that the squip finds that the only way to accomplish its task is to take over Jeremy and do it for him

which is NOT supposed to happen with regular Squips

it happens slowly at first

while Jeremy sleeps the Squip works on builing pathways and connections in the brain so that he has access to all of Jeremy's nerves and muscles

basically it slowly gains control of the cerebellum

I dont know how but slowly divverting signals to the Squip so soon it is the Squip in charge of the movements and actions

He doesn't take Jer at once

its slow

one day Jer can't seem to control his arm, Squip tells him to pretend that it’s broken

"it'll help you gain sympathy from others"

then at a dance or something the Squip is like "here Jer I can help you do this, just let me guide you"

he never says control

its always "guide"

anyway the Squip leaves some control to Jer but makes him dance real good and he gets compliments

and of course Jer thinks this is all a part of having a Squip

when in reality

this is very, very bad

Rich confronts him one day

his Squip noticed and wanted to alert jeremy that he has a dangerous half-functioning virus in his brain

But Jer's Squip can't have that

only he knows whats best for Jeremy

so mid convo before Rich can say anything JSquip just takes over real quick and makes Jer just deck Rich

and then gives Jer control "RUN RUN RICH WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING DANGEROUS GO"

and that night

JSquip realizes he has to act quickly

RSquip noticed

so when Jer wakes up in the morning

and tries to get out of bed

he’s shocked he can’t

he can’t move at all, actually

"UH HEY SQUIP I CAN'T MOVE" he screams in his head

"I know Jeremy."

"A LITTLE HELP???"

"oh I am helping"

"just relax, it'll be easier. I've got this"

So now Jer lays in bed and when his dad comes in JSquip easily makes Jeremy say that he’s sick

so his dad goes off to work or whatever

The Squip waits until the sound of the car is gone

and then he's got Jeremy moving

"W-What are you doing?"

"I'm getting you what you want"

"I-I don't like this, let, let me have my body back!"

"Shhhh, Jeremy, it'll be alright"

"no NO NO THIS IS NOT ALRIGHT-"

"would you prefer if I sedated your consciousness?"

"NO THAT'D BE WORSE-"

"actually that'd make this easier. Alright....there we are. Sleep tight, Jeremy! I'll retrieve you soon enough"

and Jeremy is falling, falling, falling

there is absolutely nothing

The Squip, now completely in control, grabs what he needs and hops on Jeremy's bike

He takes them far, far away

out of the city

out into the middle of nowhere

they stop at a sheer rock face

there is no one around

The Squip has been planning this for a while

He brings Jeremy back

"PLEASE PLEASE DONT DO THAT AGAIN I-"

"shhhh, Jeremy calm down. If you can't stay calm I'm going to have to send you away again, your thoughts make processing hard"

the Squip makes Jeremy hug himself and hold himself until inner Jeremy calms down a bit

"w-what are we doing...?"

"Jeremy, I'm going to help you be popular."

"....can we go back to the way we were doing before? That was just fine?"

"tsk tsk, Jeremy. are you questioning me?”

“...”

"I told you that I am here to improve your life. And I am! There are just some hard things we have to do to get there"

"...wait, hard things? What do you-"

The Squip suddenly takes Jer's bike and hurls it down the rock face

"...what are you doing…?”

Jeremy can feel his face smile, though not of his own accord

“Helping.”

and The Squip scales down the rock face

he gets about 2/3 of the way down

but they're still up quite a ways

"Okay Jeremy, do you want me to put you away for this?"

"wha-put me away? FOr what? What are you-"

"Oh that's right, you said to never do that again. Alright. Please keep the screaming to a minimum"

And the Squip lets go

they're falling

They land with a loud crashThey land with a loud crash

The Squip doesn't numb the pain at all

he lets Jeremy feel it all

the impact, the rib fractures, the smack of his head, his jaw slamming shut, all of it

Jeremy cannot keep the screaming to a minimum

he is screaming in agony

but also fear

"AAAAAAAA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT ARE YOU DOING-"

"hmm...I seem to have miscalculated. That wasn't the right angle. Oh well, I guess we're going to have to do it manually"

Jer gets up (doubling the pain for Jeremy)

and walks on over to a sizeable rock

"sorry I have to do it this way, but trust me, it'll all be worth it

the Squip grabs the rock

and brings it down on his leg, hard

Somehow the pain got worse

the squip examined the now broken leg

“Hmmm...that’ll do”

he then pulls out Jeremy's phone, which he had wrapped protectively so it wouldn't be broken on impact

And dials 911

And for the first time that day

He lets the real Jeremy in

Jer screams and screams

He’s calling for help

he doesn’t even know who to

but he realizes he can audibly hear his own voice

soon enough he's shoved back into himself and the Squip takes over, copying his tone

"H-HELP, I F-FELL DOWN THE CCCCCLIFF AT...HGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGASD.......BY RELD ROAD AND AND AND I THINK MMMMMY LEG IS BROKEENNNNNNNN"

"We'll be on our way, hang tight"

And they sit and wait

The Squip slowly begins to numb the pain

"I'm sorry, Jeremy, but you have to know what it felt like. It's okay, I'll take it away now, just calm down."

and a part of Jeremy knows that this is crazy manipulative and that the Squip is bad

but if listening to the Squip and trusting him makes the pain stop that would be good

(and then I was going to go to bed and going to summarize the events but I ended up starting to write them anyways, go me)

basically what happens is he gets a ton of sympathy from people (step 1), and then he get's close with Jake bc of their shared experience (step 2), and from there he rises

and when I say 'he' I mean the Squip

Jeremy is no longer allowed in

he just wants to get rid of the Squip and we can't have that

But the Squip keeps pulling stunts like this

And….

He is a damaged piece of machinery

so….

It doesn’t always go favorably

and Jer slowly goes insane inside his own body

and both Rich, RSquip, and Michael all are trying to stop JSquip

JSquip realizes

So he takes Jer out into the wilderness again

to fake Jeremy's death

but things don't go according to plan

a tree falls on Jer, pinning him in place

no matter what the Squip does, he can't move

he doesn't have any equipment to call for help

they are in the middle of nowhere

so Jeremy is going to starve to death in the woods

The Squip tries to comfort him as the days go on

He offers to put Jeremy away but Jeremy can't think straight anymore

so, not knowing his host's wishes, he just lets Jeremy starve in peace

after 4 days

someone is coming

it is Rich and Michael

it took RSquip a long time to pinpoint the signal bc JSquip had tried to mask it

but as Jeremy got closer and closer to death the signal had been easier and easier to find

They have Mtn Dew Red

But wait

Says RSquip

We can’t give it to him

We have to wait

M: “what do you mean, ‘wait’??? He’s dying!”

RS: "we have to let him get closer"

"otherwise the Squip will reject the Mtn Dew Red"

so Michael and Rich have to let Jer think he's going to die

So they come over

And JSquip sees

And there’s not much he can do

Jeremy is pretty gone

But with what he can do, he please with R and M to help him, to save him

but RSquip has different plans

R: "sorry, asshole, but we only came out here to watch you die."

J: “...what?”

M: "after the way you treated us? You think we could forgive you?"

and actual Jer is hearing this too

Inside his own brain

and he hurts

what had he done to people?

for the millionth time since he had lost control he wished he had never taken the Squip

Squip usually berates him evertime that happens but he's too focused on trying to keep his host alive

Rich and Michael eventually sit down in front of Jer, just out of arms reach

and taunt him for hours

eventually

Jer goes

he passes out, body trying to conserve energy

his brain slowing

RS: "okay NOW we have to act quickly so his body doesn't sustain anymore damage

Rich and Michael, who had felt sick to their stomachs about insulting a dying kid (and for Micahel, his best friend), are more than happy to pour Mtn Dew Red into Jeremy's mouth, make sure he swallows, and call 911

They don't want to move the tree bc they don't know if Jer has a spinal injury

but they sit and wait

Michael sits down by Jer

Jer looks so awful

exhausted, pale, starved

if he didn’t feel the pulse, Michael was sure he was dead

His former best friend of 12 years

potentially dying in his arms

Michael holds what part of Jeremy he can

puts his head in his lap

covers him with his jacket

starts to go through Jer's hair and pick out sticks and dirt

all the while apologizing that he hadn't been able to stop this sooner

The rescue teams are getting there soon

but before they do, Jeremy comes to

He is present for a second, and then realized that he is alone in his head

he wiggles his fingers

and he can

For the first time in months

Jeremy controlled an action his body took

and he realizes he is alive and there is someone there

It takes him a second

but he realizes

it’s Michael

But Michael had just said that he was here to watch jeremy die bc he hated him

Jeremy began to cry

the tears coming out of his eyes were his own

The breaths he took were his own

Michael realizes Jer is awake

He tilts Jer's head up so he can see Michael's face

But Michael doesn't say anything

and with what strength he has left

Jeremy just says

“I’m sorry.”

the tear tracks tracing lines through the dirt on his face

with his eyes he is taking in Michael for the first time in months, no longer optically blocked

and it;s then that Michael knows it's Jeremy and only Jeremy

M: "....good to have you back, buddy."

#Be More Chill #the squip #jeremy heere #michael mell #rich goranski #bmc #violence #broken bones #possession #i have a ton of stuff like this written but ive never posted it haha #maybe i should start that

[lolbtsaus]

Memories (Music Store!Yoongi)

Plot: #3: “Looks like we’re gonna be stuck here for a while.” + #36: “You’re so clingy, I love it.” + #58: “If I win, you do dishes for a week.” with music store owner!Yoongi

Word Count: 885

A/N: so werewolf!joon as a father is in the works, it should be out either tomorrow or the day after that!! So I was thinking about what to write for today and this idea popped into my head and then I had to write it bc once I get an idea of what I wanna write, it’s pretty hard to write anything else so the link for this is music store owner!Yoongi (here) and you can also consider this a prequel to Yoongi’s proposal (here)

The store held so many memories for the two of you. It had been where you’d first met, six years ago. You remembered seeing the man behind the counter, his hair a light green color. He had been dressed in all black, a simple shirt with the sleeves pushed up his forearms, a silver watch exposed, jeans hidden by the counter, along with the black sneakers on his feet. He had approached you first, offering his help to find something, much to your relief. He had talked to you about different albums, offering up different possibilities since you didn’t have a specific one in mind to buy for your friend’s birthday, just knowing the genre your friend liked. His voice was deep, a slight rasp lacing his words, his eyes flickering from the albums he was pointing at to your face as you listened to him talk. You started to notice his words turn flirty, as did yours, the albums in your hands no longer the topic of your conversation. It had been that day you’d walked out with his number in your phone, the name “Yoongi” written at the top of the contact, bringing a smile to your face. 

Vinyls lined the wall, countless albums organized along the racks. Posters covered every inch of the counter you now sat on, a year into your relationship. You watched him go through the racks of albums, double checking that everything was in its place. You stirred the dark liquid in his cup, inhaling the scent of coffee. Your eyes turned to the dark clouds in the sky, hearing the rain begin to hit the ground loudly. Your attention shifted to your lack of a jacket, noting that even Yoongi had left his jacket in his studio apartment.

“Looks like we’re gonna be stuck here for a while.” you commented, getting his attention before it turned to the sky. “It’s pouring out there and you’re in a T-shirt.”

“We could make a run for it. My place isn’t that far.”

“Or we could order pizza and have our movie night here. You have a computer here, the snacks and movies are in that bag. It’s warm in here, let’s just stay.”

It would be the start of a tradition, a tradition both of you loved. It wasn’t always a movie night, sometimes it was game night, music night. The latter was one of your favorite, your head resting on his lap as he played the next album he wanted to show you. His voice was lulling you to sleep as he talked about the album, a smile threatening to tug the corners of his lips up as he tried to pretend he didn’t notice you dozing off in his lap. He began to go off topic, knowing his words weren’t being fully processed by your brain anymore as your eyes shut for a few seconds before reluctantly opening again, trying your best to stay awake with him. He looked through the albums laid out in front of him, reading the track list off of one as your hand reached up to grab his leg, shifting it closer to you so you could be more comfortable, your other hand holding one of his in a once tight grip that was beginning to loosen as you fell asleep.

“You’re so clingy.” he grumbled, his fingers gently brushing the hair out of your face. “I love it.”

The store had always been your place, the place you two went to when you wanted to do something special, something alone where no one could get in, due to the large “closed” sign on the locked door. It held so many little memories, so many important memories you two would always remember. Endless bickering, playful arguments about what to do once he’d closed the store for the day. Moments of affection that no one else saw, his thumb rubbing your cheek softly as you told him about your day, his lips pressing a kiss to your forehead when you arrived, his arm around your waist as he led you outside, a wide smile on his face. Bets, bets that you lost, bets that he lost, bets that helped make the clean up you always helped him with a bit funner.

“I bet I can clean my side of the store first.”

“If I win, you do dishes for a week.”

“And if I win, you have to let me call you Yoongi bear for a week.”

And now there he stood, five years later, in the same spot he’d first given you his number. He waited for you to walk in, waiting for the celebration of your fifth anniversary to begin. The small velvet box seemed increasingly heavy in his hand, the lid opened to reveal a ring that would bring him one step closer to calling himself your husband. Those four words, “will you marry me,” weighed even heavier in his mind, so many different ways to say such a simple question, so many things he wanted to say along with them. He looked up as he heard the door open, the lid snapping shut before the box was shoved back into his pocket, a smile appearing on his face as he turned to look at you.

“Ready?”

“Let’s go.”

#bts au #min yoongi au #bts scenarios #bangtan boys scenarios #bangtan boys au #bangtan scenarios #bangtan au #min yoongi scenarios #yoongi scenario #bts yoongi scenario #yoongi au #bts yoongi au #suga scenario #bts suga scenario #suga au #bts suga au #min suga scenario #bts #bangtan boys #bangtan #min yoongi #yoongi #bts yoongi #bts min yoongi #suga #bts suga #min suga #kpop au #kpop scenarios #kpop

[s1xthhouse]

gwenkota 11, percabeth 20 bc i thrive on drama

[send me writing prompts using this]

ask and u shall recieve, drama hoe

11. things you said when you were drunk

For the first time in Gwen’s life, she had actually cut loose and let herself get roaring drunk. The senorio was perfect; Dakota invited people over to the little house he rented for a party, plenty of poisons and chasers and even a keg. Togas, plastic goblets, laurels, and very, very loud music. It was a classic rager and Gwen a thrown herself to it, letting the atmosphere lure her into drunkenness. As the host, Dakota made sure everyone was having fun, but he found himself playing games with Gwen the whole night; beer pong partners, mates during king’s cup, and just narrowly avoiding each other every turn of spin the bottle.

By 1 AM, the party had already hit its climax and people were either drunkenly walking home or had passed out somewhere in Dakota’s house, save for his room. If it wasn’t for the fact that the housing community in New Rome was small, people walking home would’ve seen questionable, but it gave the neighborhood police something to do if someone ended up streaking down the street. Despite all this, Gwen was still up and swaying slowly to the music playing, she was nursing a solo cup in hand. Dakota was pretty drunk, he was comfortable in his foggy headedness, it was enough for him to feel different and yet still conscious enough for him to get a head start cleaning.

“Can I help?” Gwen offered, but Dakota just waved it off, telling her to sit at the counter while he capped all the booze and threw out all the empty cups. They talked quietly in the kitchen, with Gwen still taking sips from whatever was in her cup. “Mm, I had a good time.” She sighed.

“Yeah?” Dakota tied a full garbage bag up “That’s a first.” Gwen stuck her tongue out. “I mean you don’t really let yourself have fun.” Dakota walked over to the counter she was sitting on, he leaned on his hand propped next to her, not quite leaning into her. He swayed a little in intoxication, but she was actually nodding off a little. “You’re a spectacular beer pong player.”

Gwen started to play with the laurel in Dakota’s hair, a big goofy smile on her face. Her freckles were drowning in her flushed face, her cheeks looking like fresh apples. Gwen was softly humming the song still playing on the stereo, and she wasn’t pulling her hand away from his face. “I think you should get some sleep.” Dakota suggested, before he let himself do something stupid. Gwen’s hand dropped. “You can sleep with me in my room.”

Gwen nodded, slipping down off the counter, stumbling a little into Dakota’s chest. She giggled, rattling his heart in the process. “Oh, I’ll sleep with you.” Dakota shook his head at her attempt at drunk flirting, chuckling slightly. Gwen finished her drink and walked with Dakota into his room, one of her hands absentmindedly played with his toga. A dark part of Dakota secretly loved this; he loved that Gwen was being open like this, that the drunk version of herself was flirty towards him. He would never take advantage of this, which is why his want to be intimate with her remained in his fantasies.

She flopped into Dakota’s half-made bed, her toga coming up to reveal the short-shorts she was wearing underneath the bed sheets. Dakota went back into the living room to turn off lights and the music, saying goodnight to some of the people passing out on the chairs and couches. Before going back into his room, he grabbed what was left of a handle of vodka. Gwen had settled herself into bed, she had taken off her laurel and put it on the bedside table, her red hair in a sort of tangled mess. Dakota sat up in bed, Gwen cuddling with his arm. Every now and then they would cuddle after a party, mostly because Dakota was very cuddly, but the shoe was on the other foot and Dakota suddenly didn’t know how to feel.

He took a swig from the handle, burning his mouth. If her drank enough he would pass out soon, he’d forget that his heart was beating fast because of Gwen. “Hey,” She mumbled. Dakota looked down at her, her eyes were closed but she still seemed to be awake. “I wisshed we hab kished duurin spbin th boddle.” She slurred, her face squished against the blankets. “You neber remmemm our kishes.”

What did that mean, he thought. When they were twelve they were each other’s first kiss, but that was just so they could say they had been kissed before. Since then, nothing. Gwen must’ve been talking about someone else, Dakota decided. There was no way in one of his stupors he had kissed Gwen… Dakota drank some more.

20. things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear

Percy was having yet another existential crisis, far more than he should be having in the span of one month. A normal person probably has one about three times in their life, Percy clearly was an outlier. With his mom pregnant, Percy found himself thinking a lot about his own future, which wasn’t something he should dwell on too much. Much of his life consisted of near death experiences, any demigod could relate, so the thought of thinking any further than the weekend was the last thing people like him should be thinking about.

Right now he just needed to get through school; his finals had kicked his ass, but he had done well enough in summer school that he could spend the next month and a half at camp. He didn’t want to think about Annabeth’s plans for them to go to university across the country, how at some point he had seen himself living in California for his whole life. That had been before his mom told him he was going to be a big brother, before he felt obligated to help his mom out despite her telling him it wasn’t necessary.

A buzz went off in Percy’s pocket, speak of the devil. “Hey, mom.” He answered. A while back, Leo had managed to invent a cell phone that was monster-tracking proof (within reason) and worked well within camp. The Iris Message was still the prefered mode of communication, but for practicality the lPhone worked better. He had just put his duffle bag under his bunk in Cabin 3, he sat down into the freshly made bed.

“Hi, Percy,” His mom greeted back. “I was just checking in, did you make it to camp alright?”

“Yeah,” He replied. “Argo’s bringing the car back now, I think.”

“I don’t know why you didn’t call to be picked up, you had to drive there yourself.”

“You know me, I like to make things harder on myself.” Sally sighed on the other line, Percy gave a half hearted smile to himself.  It was as if she saw it when she asked if he was alright. “Yeah,” he replied. “I just have a lot on my mind, nothing new.”

“You don’t want to talk about it?” His mom asked. “Is it about school?”

“Kind of,” Percy rubbed his face and sighed. “I was just thinking about Annabeth, what she wants to do in New Rome. It’s not like I don’t want to be with her, it’s just I did a lot of work to try and catch up with her and I feel like my brain is fried from all the studying I did. I just… I don’t know if I want to go to California and do it all over again, and to do it so far from home.”

Sally was quiet for a moment, but Percy could still hear the faint sound of her breathing. “I’ve never once thought about what I wanted to do with my life,” he continued. “Because I didn’t think I was going to have one, so many of my teachers just see me as a failure-”

“Percy,” Sally tried to console him, tell him it wasn’t true.

“In the past,” Percy corrected himself. “In the past, but I still think about it. No matter how much support I have between you and Annabeth I still doubt myself and I doubt this future she has planned for us.”

Again, Sally didn’t say anything, then a beat passed and she spoke: “I know you feel this pressure to make up your mind soon, especially since you’re going to be a senior, but you still have time to decide what you want to do with your life, Percy.”

Percy felt his heart clench with anxiety, he felt his mom didn’t understand, that she didn’t understand that he felt pressure from Annabeth more than anything. Percy loved Annabeth, he could see himself with her for a long time, but he also didn’t want their lives to start together immediately after high school.

“But I think you should talk to Annabeth about this,” His mom continued. “I know you think it will be the end of everything if you disagree on one thing, but she needs to hear how you feel. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s trapped you into this life that you don’t really want.” Percy felt himself choke up a little, all the stress from school and his mental turmoil had built up and released. He had to tell Annabeth, he had to own up to his insecurities.

“You’re right,” Percy sniffed. “Yeah, I gotta do that.”

“I have to go now,” Sally said. “But call me soon, okay?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, trying not to cry. A wave of catharsis had crashed on Percy, a feeling he only ever got from talking to his mom. “I love you, mom.”

“‘Love you, too.” Percy hung up, gently tossing his phone onto his pillow. Percy looked up for the first time since he answered the phone, and Annabeth was standing in the doorway to the cabin. The sight of her made his heart jump out of his chest in more ways than one; she was beautiful as always, but the question still stood: how long had she been standing there.

Percy’s head blanked from fear, he sighed every imaginable curse he could muster. Annabeth didn’t look angry, but her eyebrows were knitted together at the center, her mouth turned downwards slightly. Percy stood up and was about to go over to her but she beat him to it, she wrapped her arms around him tightly. Maybe she hadn’t heard him, Percy thought for a moment. If she hadn’t that would be a huge weight off his chest, but she would need to know sooner or later.

Annabeth looked up at him, her chin resting on his chest. Her grey eyes were filled with concern, almost glossy with tears herself. “I didn’t know you felt this way.” She said, nearly whispering. “I-I didn’t mean-”

“Annabeth,” Percy laid her head back down, his hand petting her blonde curls. “It’s not your fault your boyfriend is a pushover.” He felt her chuckle a little. Percy took a deep breath, a much needed deep breath. “I want you to know I haven’t been doubting your plans for a long time, I was just thinking about it recently.”

She stepped away a little, her arms still around him and his hand still cupped the side of her face. “I’m sorry,” Annabeth turned her head so she could kiss the inside of his hand. “I know you’ve worked really hard in school, and I don’t want you to do it just because I want you to.” Percy felt himself tear up again, and he kissed her.

Kissing Annabeth always felt right, there was no doubt about it. Her hands gripped the back of his shirt, and she leaned back into him. Percy then kissed the tip of her nose, and then under her eyes, and then her forehead, peppering her with little kisses, making Annabeth giggle a little. “Don’t worry,” he whispered. “I still have part of a year to get my shit together.”

#hehkhatea writes #gwenkota #percabeth #these got kind of long whoops #yeeeeeess?