#'i think anyone would be horrified by the idea here' yes ofc but like. This Is Kinsfeel-y For Me and im like. WTF WHY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dastardlydandelion · 3 years

Note

Max Mayfield and Tory Nichols in a horror film, what would be the plot/monster and would they survive?

this is it. this is the tumblr ask. the ask i've been waiting for my whole life. my time to shine, here we go!

filming begins under the cut:

tried and true creature feature, this is a werewolf movie. let's go with a werewolf between the van helsing (2004) and trick r treat (2007) variety. the beast once transformed is fucking huge, clearly both lupine and human, head almost entirely wolf, body primarily bipedal in shape, but robust, sinew shredding claws and big ass bone tearing teeth. also tails!! bc tails are cute!!! powers include monstrous strength, accelerated speed, healing factor. weaknesses silver and decapitation.

okay, so van helsing (2004) werewolves are mindless rage monsters and trick r treat (2007) werewolves are cognizant. for our max & tory creature feature, they're gonna of the in between variety. i chose a werewolf movie for these two specifically bc they both have their anger problems and the werewolf has long been a symbol of anger unleashed in the horror genre, even tho common gray wolves are just like. i mean, yk, animals, they hunt and howl and pee on trees and most of the time would rather avoid humans. but obvi horror genre werewolves are not common gray wolves, they need to be scary, and like, the remnants of traditional folklore influenced by rabies and discourse in the middle ages...wait, where was i going with this? anger, yes, max and tory both have anger problems and i think this works for what i'm gonna do with this theoretical movie.

who's the werewolf in town? terry fucking silver. bc terry is evil and dramatic and also, i think it's rly funny for a werewolf to have silver as a surname. he's fully cognizant in his transformation and he's purposefully biting kids and teenagers bc he wants more talented karate students. and like. yk, with the enhanced strength, speed, and regenerative recovery of lycanthropy, well. there u have it, more talented karate students.

do max and tory know each other, if so, how? okay, so in this 'verse tory is a lil older than max. that reflects their canon ages, i think. let's say max is 13 and tory is 16. billy has tory in some of his classes and he more or less makes a deal to spilt his allowance with her if she'll babysit max bc he's tired of neil riding his ass to babysit max. tory needs money so she's like, 'sure, why not.' max finds it rly stupid that she's 13 and neil thinks she needs a fucking babysitter but as far as babysitters go, tory is fun. she likes to show max what she's learning in cobra kai and they spar together a lot. max would actually like to join cobra kai but 1) neil would throw a fit on various fronts and 2) lucas is in miyagi-do. max knows there's some rly intense beef between cobra kai and miyagi-do. ofc tory's filled her in on the karate war, how could she not?

well one day tory takes max to the playground to watch a plane fly like she does with miggy in ck, and it's nighttime, ofc, and lo, the full moon is out. shining up in the sky. they hear a howl. they both look at each other. max is kinda curious but tory's like nah, nah, we gotta go. she grabs her, starts pulling her along. but the next howl is a lot closer and they can hear smth running and it just sounds fuckin big. they're running too now, legs pumping hard, but there's no escape once the beast is right behind them, hot, rancid breath blasting the backs of their necks and harvest gold eyes glowing in the dark.

max gets bitten first. tory tries to kick the big ass beast off of her and then it rounds and bites her too. the terror is real now. and then shockingly, as fast as it'd come, it leaves. neither girl has an explanation for wtaf just happened but tory takes max home. billy gripes at her for being out late but helps her patch up. when susan learns what happens she decides to take max to get rabies shots right away. loads her up in the car, runs her off to the emergency room-- but when the bandages come off, they are no wounds.

tory's bby bro tries to help patch her up too. but he's like 4 yrs old and his idea of "help" is sticking bandaids with cartoon characters up and down the wounds in haphazard fashion. tory plans to redo it all properly once she's put him to bed. sure enough after he's asleep, and she peels the bandaids off from every open mouthed pac-man to every green teenage mutant ninja turtle, the wounds are gone.

meanwhile there's missing ppl err day on the news. terry turns kids and teens but kills adults for the lulz.

tory and max know what happened to them was an event that tangibly, definitely happened but neither have any explanation for their wounds just disappearing. max, our resident horror fan, is the first to propose a real life werewolf as an explanation. she cites the missing ppl on the news. tory thinks she's tripping balls but reluctantly gives an inch when she acknowledges no, she can't think of any other explanation.

life goes on. max tells lucas what happened only she leaves out the part abt tory bc she's not gonna tell a miyagi-do student she's kickin it w the enemy. he doesn't rly believe her, like how she didn't rly believe him about the upside-down in their canon. he thinks the horror movies are rotting her brain.

tory almost tells her dojo but she gets distracted being pissed off by sam and that should be her priority, right? sensei kreese is always going on abt getting back at the enemy. she spends her shifts daydreaming abt revenge bc it's more comforting than worrying abt past due bills and her mother looking paler by the day.

full moon next month comes around. neither tory nor max are cognizant of or during their first respective transformations. max's first kill is neil. she's seven feet of fur and fury, tears his ribcage open with claws like daggers and sinks her teeth into his putrid, maggoty heart. susan isn't home. billy is, but he doesn't hear any of the fracas. he's unconscious on the living room floor, crisscrossing impressions of neil's belt buckle blaring red on his back.

tory's first kill is sam. sam larusso wants to think she's a bully?? fine, tory will show her a bully. she hops the miyagi-do fence after hours. she just wants a fight. just a fight, they always fight. but then she's sprouting fur and tory as tory gives way to smth else. she'd not aware of being a person when she doesn't have fur. not really, all she knows is rage and ravenousness and the morsel below her has bunny rabbit wide eyes.

neither of them remember what they did the next day. not vividly, anyway. it's there but it's cloudy and hard to discern, like a groggy fever dream more than a memory. but max burps up neil's wedding band and tory finds señor octopus (sam's stuffed animal) bloodied in her bed. it's apparent what happened. max accepts this more easily than tory bc 1) she always kind of suspected she'd turn, since she sincerely considered what attacked them was a werewolf and 2) max isn't terribly upset abt killing neil while tory is acutely horrified she killed sam.

max kinda had some smidgen of attachment to neil bc like, he's the only father figure in her life and here and there they've had their moments. but his abuse (psychological/physical toward billy, sexual/financial/psychological/emotional toward susan, psychological/emotional toward herself) outweighed any and all of those moments. she is genuinely concerned that she tore a human being to pieces and only vaguely remembers it but like, if she had to kill anyone, she figures neil was the best to kill. max is mostly concerned bc she can't kill neil a second time. she's worried the next time she turns it could be an innocent person, or one of her friends, or her mom, or billy.

tory is blindsided and scarcely able to comprehend the reality, holy shit, max was right, she's a fuckin werewolf. and she's sick to her stomach bc she hated sam but she never wanted to do anything like that. she didn't want to kill, she just wanted to break her face. scare her. rough her up. she didn't want to eat her. she just killed someone. she's a literal horror movie monster and she just killed sam. what's miguel going to think?

tory and max talk. they decide they need to find the werewolf who turned them. we get montages of them going over the news articles with a fine-toothed *ba dum tss* comb and searching areas where it seems like a werewolf would be. the woods. some caves. max all of a sudden has a freakishly tall man constantly hounding her to join cobra kai. neil's gone but she still hesitates bc of lucas being in miyagi-do. also he believes max now and with the proff, she's decided to let the rest of the party in as well. they also exist in this 'verse. she showed them the crime scene and the wedding band she burped up. billy isn't a roid rage racist in this 'verse bc that would be a giant buzzkill. he doesn't believe the werewolf shit either. he thinks max saw neil get attacked by some animal and that the carnage was so traumatizing for her, she subconsciously created a werewolf fantasy to cope.

tory meanwhile spirals downward. bc she passes sam's memorialized locker in the hall everyday. her memorial table in the other hall, full of sticky note condolences and mournful teddy bears, and a picture of sam right in the center always, always accusing her. miggy is heartbroken and distraught. hawk didn't care for sam but even he's freaked out by what happened, how the news said there were only torn up chunks and bones picked clean found in her bedroom. tory is terrified of herself. she's desperate to find whoever did this bc she wants to make them pay. if sensei silver has been asking her extra questions lately and presenting her performance to the class more than normal, she doesn't notice at all. aisha notices tory's fucked up but tory can't exactly tell aisha that she *ate* sam. aisha is also mourning, she and sam used to be bffs. so she doesn't say a word.

max has a theory that if u can learn to control ur anger, u can learn to control urself when u shift. she is, after all, v familiar with angry horror movie werewolves. and she's savvy enough to know it's smth she and tory have in common. neil is dead but that doesn't mean max isn't angry anymore. she's still angry at the damage already done and tbh also angry that there's some werewolf around turning ppl willy nilly bc she recognizes the danger in that and it wasn't smth she consented to. but controlling ur anger is an easier feat for max than tory insofar that max has a support system w her friends, and better relationships with the remainder of her fam. tory has two mentors actively, adamantly teaching her and her friends to be ruthless, view the world as ur enemy, use violence as ur go-to solution, and that mercy is weakness not to be tolerated.

when the next full moon rolls around, they decide to spend it together under the correct inference that they will transform. they think it's better to be together. they're hoping they'll be able to control each other, if not themselves. or that if they are both mindless rage monsters again, that rage will be turned on each other. this would be a better outcome operating on the presumption that one werewolf will be able to take what another can dish out, at the v least more so than a regular human being.

max is successfully able to maintain enough of her consciousness to control her actions once transformed. she feels aggressive and hungry, but not enraged and ravenous. she can keep it in check. tory, on the other hand, uh...tory can't do it. she throws her wolf head back in the most bloodcurdling howl ever and takes off like a bat outta hell. max goes loping after her. they can't speak like human speak in this form, but max tries to communicate with her. whimpers plaintively. tackles tory at one point, not out of anger but just tryna subdue her, licks at her ears and tries to get her to settle. tory bucks her off.

tory runs off again, max in pursuit. they wind up at the skate park where billy n robby are prolly up to some fuckery or another. i could easily see pre miyagi-do robby n billy getting up to all kinds of mischief. ooh, actually, they're prolly arguing abt that. now that robby's in miyagi-do he has another outlet for all his energy and he's getting the positive attention he craves so he's not participating in hooligan activity or shenanigans w billy anymore and billy is like. offended. except suddenly there's werewolves. fucking. snarling, gigantic, toothy, hairy ass werewolves.

let's say robby kicked miguel down two stories in this 'verse too and tory recognizes him in her werewolf form even if she isn't exactly cognizant of herself. she tears straight for him, jaws open. billy doesn't exactly *mean* to protect him but it's kinda an automatic reaction from putting himself in between whenever he thought neil was getting too aggressive w susan or max. and like, sure, robby's the better fighter (not that billy would ever acknowledge this) but it's not like he's gonna karate kick the motherfuckin werewolf anyway-- billy is bigger, he's bigger and it's instinct and the next thing he knows, he's in between robby and the thing w sharp teeth (tory).

and that's when max gets serious. she bowls tory over, away from billy before she can bite. they're rolling, tearing at each other with teeth and claws. lo and behold, terry silver is lurking in the background like the evil mastermind he is, just watching them shred each other and evaluating his experiment. it's a p close match and tory is the more aggressive of the two but she's also been going, going, going since she shifted and she's burning herself out. she's also fighting with the blind instinct of a threatened animal while max maintains more precision bc she has better control of herself. max also isn't wasting energy unnecessarily. max gets her jaws around tory's throat and tory just goes slack. but she can think and she doesn't want to hurt tory, so she opens her mouth and relaxes her maw, teeth grazing harmlessly thru tory's fur.

tory's being shown mercy. possibly for the first time. it's so unlike her conception of others' ruthlessness, so unlike the worldview that's been instilled into her that it startles her enough to crack thru to her cognizance. she does the wolfy deference thing where they tuck their tails and lick at the dominant pack member's muzzle. max responds in kind and lets tory up.

this is when they notice terry lurking (billy's already worked out the werewolf that came to his defense is max so he's just dumbfounded watching all this shit, and robby's not abt to leave someone who just saved his ass, so he's stuck unsuccessfully tryna pull billy away and inevitably watching too). terry calmly slinks over, sizing up his charges. he's pleased with the performance. but tory and max are anything but, another werewolf fight ensues.

so while they all get huge after transforming sheerly on the basis of being werewolves, i'm gonna guess the size is proportionate to their human forms. so tory is a little larger than max and terry significantly outsizes them both. terry is also the more experienced werewolf. it's two against one but it's not the curbstop it would be if this was some weaksauce werewolf, it's dramatic evil karate werewolf terry fuckin silver. terry's shredding tf outta these two. their healing factor can't keep up, he's dishing out faster than either of them can recover and tbh they were already winded from fighting each other first.

but it'd be a major buzzkill if our movie had a downer ending. and also, the power of determination and friendship and shit. terry's got his jaws around max's throat now. he's a millisecond away from tearing it open. tory's pinned under him but she thinks fast, frees a hind leg, and rips her claws down his soft underbelly as deep as she can and doesn't stop ripping, like pedal kicking almost for a human, but with her hind claws. his intestines shoot out like paper snakes from a gag candy can!! okay, well, maybe they don't shoot out w that much gusto, but still. the bowels are free, the bowels are hanging low and tory's tearing 'em tf up, fluids n fecal matter errywhere. on tory. i'm sorry tory. ur under him, that's just how gravity works.

terry dies. healing factor can't keep up with the damage done, it's too critical. but nobody knows it's terry until the dawn breaks and he reverts back to his human shape.

max is v much 'i told u so,' in billy's face. robby promises not to tell. he doesn't want to get mauled or killed or anything. tory's able to cope better with what she did to sam knowing that it won't happen again, that she won't hurt anyone else she doesn't want to be she can control herself now. tory believes in mercy now bc max spared her, she trashes kreese's philosophy and joins eagle fang when johnny and daniel join forces in this 'verse too. max also joins eagle fang, takes her place in the front row right between tory and lucas at her v first practice.

credits roll.

after the credits we see tory considering turning her mother in the hopes that having the healing factor would help her mom's condition improve.

is that a teaser for the sequel?

idfk.

#max mayfield #dare i tag tory #i dare not #lucdarling #ask box #my fic tag #i kind of want to write this as a fic for real #fuck

4 notes · View notes

saiilorstars · 3 years

Text

The Girl in the Forest

Chapter 27: If I Betray You

// Story Masterlist //

Pairings: Klaus Mikaelson x OFC

Pronunciation of OC’s name: Ma-leh-nee

Requested tag: @queenmj10 @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel @stareyedplanet @perfectlystiles

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: The time has come for Maleny to return to her original body once and for all. Dahlia, however, may have other plans to get what she wants and Klaus, without a second support, will be perfect to reach.

Because Maleny has been switched bodies once again, her temporary face claim is Adriana Louvier.

Maleny silently observed the spell that was supposed to return her to her original body. Her hand instinctively ran fingers over the burn mark on her clavicle. Behind her was Klaus who awaited with an anticipation he couldn't hide very well. He had told her what he managed to do as soon as she had woken up the next morning so they could immediately start preparing the spell for her.

Maleny lowered the paper and turned to him, "You got it…" she breathed a sigh of relief and rushed to hug him, just so excited, "Thank you!"

Klaus relished hearing her soft laugh of joy. He had finally done her one good deed since she arrived back from France. "I thought you would take joy in this," he kissed her head.

Maleny pulled away to look at him, her smile still wide across her lips, her hands finding their way to his face, "Oh I can't wait to be back in my body again. As glamorous as being an enhanced wolf is, it's just not who I am."

"I don't know," Klaus ran a hand down her hair, as if studying her face, "I've come to like this you in a wolf. It's...attractive."

Maleny pursed her lips, feigning offense, "Well, you're not exactly an unbiased party my dear - my original wolf/vampire. You wouldn't find me attractive as a witch anymore?"

"Now I never said that," Klaus chuckled while she deepened her frown, "This is just novelty."

"Yeah? Well," Maleny took on a smirk that spelled trouble, "Just know that you will never be kissed again if I stay in this body," a look of amusement settled on Klaus' face, "And even the big bad hybrid has needs sometimes."

Klaus caught her hand trailing over his chest and used it to pull her up against him, "Do not start something you will not be able to finish later," he warned her, the darkness in his tone portraying for a very different effect than normally.

Maleny took her hand from under his and tilted her head, "Is that a challenge? Seriously?"

"Seriously," Klaus mimicked her tone and made her laugh.

"Ooh, nice one," Maleny rolled her eyes and pushed herself away from him, "but right now I'm going to go get Alton and tell him the good news. I bet he'll be really happy."

"I know I will," Klaus muttered under his breath, of course still perfectly heard by Maleny nonetheless. Seeing her look, he merely shrugged, "I don't like him."

"There's a shocker," she crossed her arms, "You don't like anyone. But the good thing here is he doesn't like you very well either," she chuckled to herself as she started making an exit, only to come bumping into Hayley on the way. Immediately they both saw the hybrid was disheveled and distraught, the fear practically oozing out from her.

"Hayley, what's wrong?" Maleny reached to touch Hayley's arm in concern.

"Dahlia's here," Hayley choked out the terrifying words, she almost in tears after what she and Jackson had went through only mere minutes ago.

~ 0 ~

Once grouped together, all the Mikaelsons' plus Maleny and Hayley began to discuss the events that unfolded between Dahlia (who had managed to control swarms of people including Jackson for a minute) and Hayley out in the Quarter.

"Isn't that the point of a fortress?" Klaus' anger was the first to make an appearance, "It does a better job of protecting you when you stay within its walls?"

For the first time, Hayley accepted he was right but she wasn't going to tell him that anytime soon. "Let's just figure out what the hell we're gonna do."

"What I would like to do is take a strong leash…"

"Klaus!" Maleny scolded him, making hard eyes at him for his snide response, "I think we should focus on strategies," she looked around the room, "because I assume up to now there hasn't been a concrete one."

"I know a little about how her magic works," Freya got up from her spot and walked over to a round table with a silver tea kettle and five full tea cups resting over it. After hearing what her aunt had managed to do she resolved to at least make their minds stronger, "This tonic will at least prevent her from using any of us."

Rebekah reached for a cup as Freya did, and before drinking Rebekah glanced back at the others, "Well, come on! This should work like a charm!"

"You mean we are to drink one of her spells that could very well put us under like it did with Maleny?" Klaus remained across the group, firmly going against the apparent plan.

"Klaus, that was an accident," Freya pointed out, not surprised he would be the only one refusing the tea.

"And I was fully aware of possible side effects," Maleny added when she got up and walked to get herself a cup as well, "That wasn't her fault. So please, just take a drink?"

But this time not even her asking him to would get the job done. Klaus looked to the side instead, "Our minds are far too strong to be invaded by kenning spells."

Maleny rolled her eyes, seeing his plain excuses, "Well mine isn't. And since I'm still in charge of this body's safety, I'm doing it for Yamilet," Freya smiled when she downed the tea.

The only thing that kept Klaus calm despite her drinking a possible trick was that she wouldn't be spending much more time in that body. Anything happens to it she would be back in her original one. "So what we experienced was a test," he moved on, "Dahlia is watching to see how we respond to aggression. She's preparing for battle. My guess is sooner, rather than later.

"Well, if she was watching us, she would know that we have our own army," Hayley tried to be reasonable.

"She also knows where we are," Elijah reminded, "and, given the immense nature of her power, we simply have no idea what to expect from her. What we need is to create a new stronghold, something that Dahlia knows nothing about, a sanctuary from any witchcraft."

"That's a fine strategy," Freya praised, "I offer another. We could use Jackson to trace her magic back to its source, find out exactly where she is."

All eyes went to Hayley who quickly felt the pressure on her building and building until she sighed and gave in, "Fine, do it."

"I'm sure Camille can get her friend, Gia to look into the Algiers for a possible sanction," Elijah announced.

"Good! Then it's settled," Klaus, pleased, clapped his hands, "Off you pop to your respective tasks!"

"And where the hell are you going to go if I may ask?" Maleny suspected he had already come up with his own version of a plan that involved none of them. Those were the plans that worried her.

Klaus glanced back, only stopping to briefly explain, "I've always been of the opinion that the best defense is a good offense. So I'm gonna find a way to murder that God-forsaken witch."

Maleny nervously watched him leave the room before glancing back at the others, "See that?" she pointed after him, "That can't end well. Somebody needs to go with him."

She only made it one step towards the doors before Elijah grabbed her arm and stopped her, "Mal, you have to prepare for your spell."

"But I can't let him go like that," Maleny sighed as Elijah released his hold on her.

"It won't matter if you go or not," Rebekah spoke up, "Whatever he plans to do, he's going to do it anyways. It's best if you stay here and get ready to go back to your own body."

Glumly, Maleny resigned to stay back and attend to her own problems. She still had to call Alton and Amarrah to get them to come over and explain to them what would be happening.

~ 0 ~

Later on in the day, after Cami and Gia had done some research, Elijah and Cami met with Josephine at the St. James infirmary of the Algiers. Josephine was in a surprise to see the place being renovated, as it had been left abandoned for years.

"Oh, this was quite the place back in my day, St. James infirmary…" she remarked to the two vampires, "Vulgar, filthy, loud, some of the best nights of my life, but I assume you didn't go through all this trouble on my account."

"Well, my friend and I did some research and we discovered this place served as neutral grounds for both our communities," Cami explained, "A place where all were welcome and safe."

"And, in keeping with that tradition, we'd like to invite you to cast a spell," Elijah suavely got to the point of the visit, "One that would prevent the use of magic within these walls."

Josephine looked horrified at what they were asking of her, "You'd ask me to create a place where my kind would be utterly helpless?"

"My dear Josephine, powerful as you are, surely you must have sensed this grave new threat?"

"And I am not without empathy, but I have a responsibility to the witches. This is not our fight."

Cami arched an eyebrow, not too pleased the woman was willing to leave a baby on her own. "You do realize that's basically declaring yourself an enemy, right?" she innocently asked, "You're willing to stand aside and allow a poor little baby to be killed?" she knew Dahlia's purpose wasn't exactly to kill Hope but Josephine didn't need to know that.

Elijah smirked when Josephine came up with a compromise. Cami sure had ways with words, he thought.

"Perhaps a traditional blessing to dispel unwanted spirits?" Josephine asked them, "A barrier against those who mean to do us harm? Yes, a blessing combined with a disruption spell should do the trick."

"Thank you," Cami nodded with a beaming smile, afterwards taking Elijah by the arm and leading him out.

"Excellent way with words, Camille," Elijah remarked, still mildly impressed she'd acquired results in such a short time.

"Yeah, I'm thinking of leaving the psychology thing for public speeches. I have a way with words that even allowed me to get to Klaus, remember?"

"Well, what ever you decide I will be there to witness it," Elijah promised her, making her chuckle. She had only meant it as a joke but of course he was always 'supporting her' and whatnot.

~ 0 ~

When Amarrah and Alton arrived at the compound, they found Maleny in the room where hers and Rebekah's bodies were being kept. Maleny had the coffin's top raised to view her original body inside.

"I never thought how awkward it could be to stare at yourself," Maleny remarked casually, her arms crossed, "I mean, not a lot of people can say they have viewed themselves from another person's point of view."

"Is this supposed to be like some weird goodbye thing?" Amarrah came to stand beside her while Alton took the other side, "Because if it is, stop it. It's creepy."

Maleny playfully rolled her eyes, "What part of this was ever not creepy? I stole some guy's girlfriend's body," she glanced at Alton, "Sorry…"

"Not your fault," Alton shook his head.

"And then I committed mass murder with the body," Maleny sighed and glanced at Alton again, "Also sorry."

"Still not quite your fault," he assured, "Before this happened Yamilet had done worse things under Esther's and Finn's orders."

"Still, this entire situation has been beyond creepy and uncomfortable," Maleny shivered and closed the coffin once again.

"Well, I think it's about time we get the spell and get to work," Amarrah announced with a delightful smile, "I saw Freya in the living room so we can ask her for it."

Maleny nodded and led the way out of the room. The trio were a little confused to find only Hayley, Jackson and Rebekah inside with all the needed witches' spell ingredients except the very witch herself.

"Where's Freya?" Maleny scanned the room for the missing blonde.

Hayley and Rebekah exchanged uncomfortable glances, apparently having a secret needed to be told.

"We told her to leave," Hayley answered first, and just as Maleny's face went awry Rebekah added in.

"Mal, Dahlia is channeling her to create these powerful spells. We had to make her leave for now."

"Well, that was clearly something from Dahlia to get you going against Freya," Maleny stuttered, unable to believe Freya would willingly work with Dahlia.

"We couldn't risk it," Hayley shook her head, glancing over at Jackson who agreed with a nod, "I know what she did for your son, but I cannot risk my husband."

"You basically condemned your daughter to the same fate my son had," Maleny sourly said before turning away.

~ 0 ~

Distraught, Freya walked down a street in the corner, still shaken from what had occurred at the compound. Suddenly, all the people in the street started turning towards her, intently staring at her. Slowly, Freya came to a stop in the middle of the road, realizing it was another spell from Dahlia.

"No!" she cried and began to run but it was no use when she bumped into Dahlia herself.

The tall, dark-haired woman stood calmly in front of her, "There you are - after all these centuries I've finally managed to find one of you. Hello, my Freya." When she raised her hand Freya could feel her insides churning with terrible fear at what Dahlia was planning. But when she only made the humans return to normal, Freya gave her a look. Dahlia returned it with a small smile, "Hmm, how convenient that I find you here, mere footsteps from that which I shall take because of you and Nicolas."

Although terrified, Freya still argued back, "We did nothing to you but be your slaves. You have no right coming to take a child that is not yours to take."

Dahlia looked less than interested in what Freya had to say, "Are you here on their behalf?" she questioned instead, "Did you make a promise to your wretched siblings... 'Together we'll fight the wicked witch, side-by-side?' Tell me, darling, how did they respond to your overtures? Did they welcome you with open arms and weep tears of joy at your miraculous return? Hmm?"

Freya knew the woman was seeing right through her at the moment with all her pain exposed. "What are you going to do to me?"

"You always were a selfish, ungrateful child," Dahlia remarked, "And you turned Nicolas into one as well. For centuries, I fed both of you, clothed you, and cared for you, granted you powers beyond anything you could have ever dreamed, and still, you yearn for more, always wishing for another life, never satisfied," angry, she thrust her hand toward Freya, producing a severe pain infliction upon her. As the blonde witch fell to her knees, Dahlia remained watching her, "Soon enough, you will beg for me to bring you back into my home," with another spell, she raised Freya up with a tight neck choke, "After all, once I am done with these poor souls, I will be the only family you have left - apart from Nicolas of course."

Freya was released from the spell and fell to the ground again. She coughed violently as the air flooded her lungs.

"You should know better than to defy me, a lesson your father and brother will learn shortly," Dahlia then walked past Freya like nothing had happened. Freya processed her last words and realized Klaus has probably committed some type of plan that would only lead to destruction. She had to stop it, or at least help him so that it would work.

~ 0 ~

When Elijah and Cami returned to the compound, both were very unhappy to hear that Freya had been "asked to leave". Without her, their chances up against Dahlia minimize to a dangerous low. Fearing the worst, they had all of wolves guarding every inch of the compound. In the middle of the courtyard were Maleny and Amarrah discussing the matters of the location of Maleny's spell-breaking would occur. After reading the spell thoroughly, Amarrah discovered the spell had to be broken in the center of a spirit guided place: the cemetery.

"Are you sure it's safe to go out there?" Rebekah was asking Maleny while Alton retrieved the coffin carrying Maleny's original body. Amarrah was already at the cemetery with Davina, who'd graciously volunteered for help.

"In the Quarter, in these times, no where is safe," Maleny answered with a light-hearted smile meant for comfort. She didn't want anyone worrying over her at a time like this.

"But," a different voice added into the conversation, "there is protection we'd like for you to carry." Maleny and Rebekah turned around as Elijah walked in, seconds later Cami coming in with two werewolf guards of the compound.

"Elijah," Maleny sighed, unsurprised Elijah was pulling this over her. It was very like him.

"I don't want to hear any refusals," Elijah warned her, giving her a playful stern look.

"And I'm also coming with," Cami declared and walked across the room to stand beside Maleny.

"I would come with but I figure I'm useless at that," Rebekah looked to the side, "I don't want to ruin something very important."

"You wouldn't," Maleny put a hand over her arm.

Rebekah looked at her, feeling the woman's honesty in her words. Still, she would refuse, "I can't. I think I'm better here."

"Well, alright then," Maleny breathed in and glanced at Elijah, "We should get going. Please, oh please, keep an eye out on your brother."

"When don't I?" Elijah sarcastically replied then gave her a comforting nod, "But rest assure everything will be fine."

"Thank you, Elijah," Maleny beamed as she looked at Cami, the excitement just bursting out from her, "We have to go!" she pulled the blonde vampire out for the doors.

~ 0 ~

When things took a turn for the worst and Freya returned to the compound to tell her siblings Klaus and apparently Mikael had gone to go up against Dahlia, Hayley swayed to accept Jackson's proposal of fleeing the compound and the Mikaelsons altogether. She didn't feel one good bit about it, even when she had packed Hope's clothes and hers into a bag and Jackson came in their room. It wasn't the best the plan, she knew for sure.

"Hayley, are you ready?" Jackson asked, having no need to whisper since the the remaining Mikaelsons had gone out to St. Ann's church to save Klaus and the apparent new team member Mikael.

"Klaus and Elijah are the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world, and Dahlia's got them scared," Hayley's voice shook with fear, "Dahlia took Maleny's son and I can't let the same happen to Hope."

Jackson walked up to her sympathetically, "It will be fine."

"Do you really think that this is the best plan to protect her?"

"I really do," Jackson nodded. Everything was set to go. They would deviate from the planned spot where Marcel would come pick them up and instead wait for Aiden to arrive with another car to head into the bayou.

~ 0 ~

Seeing the creepy, dark crypt covered in a ring of salt along with other witch marks Maleny didn't quite understand was not a setting anyone would ever pick as a first choice for anything. Davina had gone into her family's crypt and set up for the spell, although no one guessed she had also hid many of Kol's dark objects in there, including the very important, now-working, dagger she and Kol finished before his death.

"Set it over there," Davina instructed the two werewolf guards as they carried in Maleny's coffin.

Maleny, Cami, Alton and Amarrah walked in afterwards, Amarrah carrying in a small bag over her shoulder. She went straight to Davina and set the bag over a small table.

"So this is the spell," she pulled out the scribbled paper Esther had drawn up.

Davina took the paper and gave it a glimpse over, "This...requires a lot of power," she blinked, suddenly hesitant to commit to the spell. She didn't want to do a spell that could put Maleny into a pre-depressive state again.

"You can do it," Maleny put a hand on the teen's arm, "You were able to break part of my curse before."

Davina would've replied 'Because your crazy almost mother-in-law helped me' but felt that would be a downer for everyone. She put on a smile for the woman instead and lightly nodded.

"So, you need to stand over here," she pointed Maleny to a spot across the coffin, "and you have to stay completely still."

"How long will the spell last?" Cami curiously asked.

"No more than five minutes."

"And when will we know if...you know...it worked?" Alton asked next, his beaming smile meant for the arrival for his girlfriend, Yamilet.

"It should take a couple or minutes," Amarrah replied, "If I were you I'd stand a little behind Mal."

"Why?"

"Because chances are she's gonna drop to the ground after the spell. I doubt Yamilet wants to wake up covered in dirt."

Alton chuckled and walked around the circle until he stood a couple feet behind Maleny. Amarrah then turned with Davina, both taking hold of their hands. Cami left the coffin top open and moved away from the circle, backing up to where the guards were, nervous to watch it all unfold.

~ 0 ~

After a bad defeat against Dahlia, the Mikaelsons regrouped back inside the compound, save for Hayley and Jackson who (unfortunately had their plan delayed) were now residing in the safe house of Algiers and Maleny who was still attending to her spell. They were catching Rebekah up with the bad unfolding of the fight they had lost.

"Well, that sounds like a bloody fiasco," she sighed, "Where's Dahlia now?"

"She could be anywhere," Elijah replied, "There wasn't a trace of her left in the church.

Freya, being the only one who was more angry than defeated, remarked, "She's done with us for the night. No doubt, she wants us to take some time to wallow in our defeat.

"Defeat? I disagree," Klaus flashed her a devious smile, "We saw her face. We took her measure. If that's the best she's got, quite frankly, I'm unimpressed."

The most unexpected guest of all, Mikael, spoke up from across the room, "Her aim was not to impress us. She wanted us to reveal our sole weapon, and, like fools, we did."

Rebekah looked between her father and brother incredulously, "Am I hearing things, or did Nik just exchange words with our father?"

"Rebekah. I'd know that wicked tongue anywhere," Mikael said back, almost amused, "What mischief have you gotten yourself into now? No doubt the bastard's doing."

That remark reminded everyone of the ongoing tension. Klaus growled, "Enough. My patience, like this farce of a reunion, is at an end."

"Agreed," Elijah made way for his father, "There only is one question here: What exactly are we doing?"

When Freya saw the discreet glance towards her she erupted into angry shouts, "This was not my plan! You," she pointed at Klaus, "rushed it and made but a single weapon!" she still couldn't comprehend why they would show their one weapon, a dagger specially made, to Dahlia in a rushed fight, "Of course she took it from you, and now we've lost what advantage we had and used up the very materials we needed to kill her."

Klaus remained calm against her shouts, seeing the problem less gravely, "It's a bit histrionic. Your materials are easily found. Let's take stock, shall we? There's an ample supply of your blood. Norwegian soil is hardly scarce. What else? Ah, yes... the ashes of Dahlia's viking oppressors."

"Only priceless relics gotten with great difficulty at a museum, lost due to your worthless strategies," Mikael accused.

In one second, Klaus sped the man against a wall, threatening him with the white oak stake. Freya, alarmed, meant to go for them but Rebekah held her back.

"If I feel even the faintest touch of your magic, Freya, I will end him with a flick of my wrist!" Klaus warned Freya before addressing Mikael, "You don't seem surprised."

Mikael only made a noise when he felt the stake brushing over his heart. Other than that, he was not very surprised by the predicament he found himself in. "Betrayal is in your nature, boy."

"No. I wasn't born like this," Klaus snapped, "Her you fight for…" he motioned back to Freya, "Lovely Freya, the daughter you barely know... yet there was a time when you knew me as your son, a time before all the disappointments, the revelations of betrayal. There were moments when all you had to do was be my father, and even then, you despised me, didn't you? I want to know why."

Although Klaus had nearly broken down Mikael upheld his cold tone, "I don't know. I just... did."

Furious of the answer, and partially overwhelmed by such a simple answer, Klaus acted out and plunged the white oak stake into Mikael's heart.

"NOO!" Freya screamed as her father fell to his knees, burning to death.

Klaus turned back to his siblings, feigning indifference, "Viking ash is indeed rare... but all you really need is a burning viking corpse."

As he left, Elijah and Rebekah now held back Freya together. They had her hands pinned behind her back to prevent her from attacking Klaus with magic. Freya uncontrollably sobbed her father's death. And, although Elijah and Rebekah knew Mikael wouldn't have kept living so long, they both agreed Klaus' rash decision hadn't been the best under the circumstances they were in.

~ 0 ~

Davina and Amarrah were in the middle of chanting the spell that was near ending. Cami and Alton, while both strong, were struggling to stay on their feet under the strong wind that resulted from the spell. Maleny had her hands balled into fists and her eyes shut. Only her hair moved in the midst of the wind. She could feel the spell's power pulsating through her blood, and even if it was slightly painful, she would withstand it all to be back in her own body.

But suddenly, a strange force picked up and blasted everyone in the room away from the ring and into harsh landings, all ending up unconscious. Several seconds later the sound of heels clicked closer, revealing Dahlia herself. She hummed at the sight before her, taking it all with ease, but soon her attention laid on the coffin. She walked towards it and peered inside where the familiar blonde rested inside, still empty.

"Hello again, my dear," she tapped her fingers alongside the edge of the coffin, "Last time I saw you, Nicolas said you had jumped bodies. Now I hear you're trying to do the same...only this time, there's going to be a new destination," the wide, sinister smile spreading across her face would've gave anyone a fearsome tremble if they had been awake to see it.

~ 0 ~

Night had turned to day, and after the previous actions, no Mikaelson had peace. Tension brewed once again when Josephine made a rather strange entrance into the compound.

"Josephine," Elijah came out with his two siblings to greet the woman, eyeing the woman suspiciously. It wasn't like her to come into the Quarter, much less into the compound.

"Forgive me for calling so early, Elijah, but, I've come bearing a message from your aunt Dahlia," the woman declared, "She is owed debts, and since they have not been paid she will come for the next third generation."

Klaus stepped towards her, "She can writhe in Hell first," he snapped.

"If you must harbor hatred, isn't it better spent on the ones who are really at fault here?" Josephine went on, surprisingly calm, "Your mother for creating the bargain in the first place or your sister and your son for running away?"

At the mention of Nicolas, Klaus nearly lunged on the woman if Elijah hadn't grabbed him. Even through that, Josephine showed no sign of fear.

"It's Dahlia," Rebekah realized afterwards, receiving a wicked grin from the woman.

"I prefer Aunt Dahlia," Dahlia, speaking through Josephine, corrected her.

"You dare enter my home?" Klaus, furiously, demanded, shaking off Elijah's hold from him.

"I came to warn you if you don't hand over the child I will come for you all," she declared, though the fearsome aura died down when the spell she held over Josephine began weakening and blood oozed out from under the choker she wore. "Though, I do not detect her here. I see you've used a spell to cloak her. No matter- such spells will yield, as will you. Say your farewells. You have 'til nightfall tomorrow, and then the child shall be mine."

Klaus could see the woman serving as a host for the spell was already dead and therefore made no second thought about chopping her in the neck and decapitating her. The headless body dropped to the ground and there laid the end of the awful surprise of Dahlia. Unfortunately, soon after Klaus' cellphone rang, the call being from Cami.

"Where the hell is Maleny?" was his first question upon answering. It had been many hours and although he knew he was severely lacking in patience, this was just too long for a spell.

On the other side, Cami was biting her lip as she looked back to the brunette woman sitting on a chair, Alton at her side, the woman weak.

"I hate that guy, I hate him so much, Alton," the brunette was telling Alton with the fury only the controller of the body could muster.

"It's alright, Yamilet," Alton had his hands on her head, "Everything's going to be okay now, I promise."

"We have a problem…" Cami finally said to Klaus over the phone, expecting an even worse fury from him after he heard what happened.

~ 0 ~

Davina repeatedly looked over the spell she and Amarrah attempted to do earlier, hoping to find the mistake they could've possibly done. By finding a mistake, they would be able to fix it. But nothing. There was nothing that told them what had gone wrong in the spell and and why only Yamilet had woken up.

When Klaus entered the crypt, she quickly cleared her throat to motion the others trouble was coming. Sensing the same, Cami was the first one to meet him.

"You have to listen," she began urgently, "We don't...we don't know…"

"WHERE IS SHE!?" he angrily shouted at the entire room until he saw the awakened brunette, staring at him, and he easily saw Maleny no longer was in control of those eyes.

"It's not her anymore," Alton stepped in front of Yamilet, guessing he hadn't yet figured out.

"Klaus, you have to listen to what happened," Cami insisted, "Look…"

Cami sat upright near the entrance hallway and rubbed her head, her eyes scanning the room for the others' conditions. Maleny seemed unconscious, lying face down on the ground, near Alton who groaning as he used the wall to get up. Amarrah and Davina had landed near the table of ingredients, now turned over from the blast. Both women raised their heads off the ground in terrible confusion.

"What just happened?" Cami finally asked, watching Alton go to Maleny.

"Yamilet?" he gently turned the body over, able to hear a pulse but who was in control of the body he wasn't sure.

Cami then rushed to the coffin of Maleny's original body, hoping to hear the heartbeat as well. Neither she nor Alton saw the looks exchanged by Amarrah and Davina.

"Yamilet? C'mon…" Alton cradled the head of his girlfriend's body, the heartbeat getting stronger as the woman began to stir, "Yamilet? Is it...is it…?" the woman's eyes opened up and stared at him.

"Alton?" the voice of the woman had changed, but to Alton it had only returned to the softer tone of his girlfriend.

His eyes filled with tears as he realized it was her, it was Yamilet. She was back with him now.

Cami began frowning when she couldn't hear anything from Maleny, "Guys, what's going on?" she glanced at the two witches, "I can't hear the heartbeat. Why can't I hear the heartbeat?"

Dangerous glares landed on Amarrah and Davina next, "What the hell happened here? You had the spell written down for you!" and he tried charging on the two witches but Cami, along with the help of the two wolf guards that had accompanied them helped her keep him back, "How easier could it have been for you!"

"We don't know what happened!" Amarrah exclaimed, equally frustrated and angry as he was, "Yes, the spell was written down but the power needed was something beyond us. Something happened and we don't know...we just…."

"We don't really know where Maleny's soul went," Davina said quieter, for once accepting his anger against them.

When Klaus took another forceful lunge at them Amarrah jumped in front of Davina, "We think someone hijacked the spell!" she shouted and made him stop to contemplate the idea, "The spell was going fine, maybe a little bumpy but it was going fine, I promise. Someone...someone did this, I could feel it."

It didn't take long for Klaus to come up with a person who would be interested in hurting Maleny at the moment, "...Freya," he muttered.

~ 0 ~

In the safe house, Hayley was anxiously awaiting the return of her husband, and to hear word from Aiden. She didn't like the plan they had settled on, but she found it was the only possible way to protect Hope. They would be trying to cut Hope's magic off through a spell that hopefully Davina would be gracious enough to do for them. But she hated the only thing she could do at the moment was wait. She didn't feel any better when she saw magical green vines suddenly creeping into the place from the outside. They grew to be so big they completely covered the windows. She snatched Hope up into her arms and slowly moved closer to the windows, along with several other of the guards. The crimson red flowers growing on the vines reminded Hayley of the previous encounter with Dahlia, thus letting her know what was happening.

"They're dahlias. She knows we're here," she told the to others, "We need to spread out, now!" the guards didn't waste a minute in doing so, spanning around the outside to fight against the witch.

After trying an unsuccessful phone call from the cellphone, she tried using the landline, hoping to get one of the Mikaelsons' to pick up. However, she came up with the same results.

"I need you to go get help," she called the nearest wolf from the outside, "Now, please!"

Hayley only had a minute to think before she heard the cursed tune of Dahlia's carrying in from the entrance. She picked up Hope again, the baby obliviously chewing on her favorite teddy bear, and began to pace again. When she saw Dahlia finally make an appearance, she stopped and glared at the woman.

"What a beauty," Dahlia remarked of Hope, meaning to step inside only to realize the thick line of sand spread over the doorway, "I sense by entering, you would have me at a considerable disadvantage."

Although scared beyond belief, Hayley made the menacing threat, "Why don't you come on in? I would love to show you some hybrid hospitality."

Dahlia took the threat with amusement, "I only came to chat."

"Fine: if you lay a finger on her, I swear I will make you suffer in ways even your evil mind can't imagine."

Dahlia laughed, waving a hand in pure calmness, "Hayley, is it? I have no quarrel with you. Frankly, I think your anger should be directed at the Mikaelsons. After all, it is because of them that I'm here for your child. It was their mother who made the bargain, it was their sister and their firstborn nephew who ran from me when they belonged to me."

"Well, if you're as the big bitch they made you out to be I don't fault them for running," Hayley snapped.

"I feel...very sorry for you," Dahlia flashed a light smile, "You and the other one, Maleny. Both of you were flung into this world and have suffered because of this family. Unfortunately, her loss will now be your loss, and if you're not careful your own death as well."

"I am not afraid of you," Hayley declared, her mother fury masking her fear, "You are not taking my daughter."

Dahlia tilted her head, "I admire your ferocity to save your child, certainly not like the last child's mother I took."

"That's because she wasn't there! But I'm sure if she was she would have fought in the same way she is now," Hayley angrily said.

"Perhaps," Dahlia consented and dug a hand into her pocket, "which is why I came to strike a deal with you. Clearly, you are the most level-headed of all these people at the moment."

"I'm not interested in anything you have to say," Hayley turned away, intending on walking away.

"Not even one that could would allow you to keep your daughter?" the question made Hayley freeze in her tracks. Dahlia smirked as the woman slowly turned back, "You are right, I have no right in taking this child, but I must since I need power to break this sleeping spell. But, your child is not the only source I can use. I will let you keep your daughter if, and only if, you turn in either Freya or Nicolas Mikaelson to me."

Hayley's eyes widened in horror, "Are you...out of your mind? I won't turn in anyone to you."

"Now, my suggestion would be to turn in Freya," Dahlia said calmly, acting as if Hayley hadn't yet said anything, "She's the closest, clearly, and she was never truly part of the family. But, if you see her better suited to stay, bring in Nicolas. With enough power you can break his cloaking spell and bring him here. And if it's the mother's rage you wish to avoid, have no fear, it's all taken care of," she pulled out a small red pendant necklace from her pocket, much like Freya's blue pendant where she had Finn's soul inside.

Hayley's eyes narrowed in on the pendant, trying to figure out what it meant, along with Dahlia's words. She clutched Hope closer to her, "What's that?" she finally decided to ask.

"Imagine it as a little container - it holds Maleny's soul for the moment," Dahlia had a wicked smile stretching across her face, like this was all just a game for her.

"What...what does that mean?" Hayley's insides churned at the idea of what Dahlia could've done to her friend.

"It means Maleny will no longer be a problem if you wish to turn in her son."

"What did you do to my friend!?" Hayley snarled and stalked towards Dahlia, "I swear to God you will regret it if you hurt her, and not by me, but by someone else who's a bit stronger and more angry."

Dahlia put away the pendant back into her pocket, and spoke her last words before leaving, "You have until nightfall tomorrow to make a decision and act on it. Goodbye."

~ 0 ~

As the coffin with Maleny's empty body was placed back into the safe room of the compound, Klaus raged outside in the corridor, Elijah and Rebekah listening from beside.

"It was Freya!" he was shouting, making erratic hand gestures, "She's angry I killed Mikael so she sought revenge!"

"I don't think Freya would do that," Rebekah spoke up rather sure of herself. Klaus stopped pacing to give her a dagger glare, "It doesn't add up," Rebekah insisted, "Ever since Freya got here she's said over and over how she wanted to help Mal."

"Rage makes one act out of order, Rebekah," Klaus snapped.

"Speaking from experience then," Elijah remarked afterwards, earning himself a glare as well.

"This isn't funny! Do you know, out of all this, I am most tired with having to deal with Maleny getting caught in our crossfires?" Klaus' question made the other two siblings stay quiet, allowing the guilt to fill up, "Ever since she came back she has only had one purpose, to find the corpse that would break her spell. I haven't been able to help her because I've been doing this! And, yet, somehow, she's gotten the worst of it."

Elijah could see the pain seeping through his brothers hard words and felt sympathy for him, "Then let all this petty paranoid and stand with us. We will get Maleny back and protect Hope."

"If by "us" you mean you and Freya, then I will not be standing with you."

Elijah sighed, "She is the best chance we have to save your child, not to mention the needed power to help Mal."

"We need her, Niklaus - Freya is our family. If you cannot see the greater picture here-"

"You see only around the next curve in the road! I am looking from above. Freya gave herself away when she complained of our single weapon to kill Dahlia. Now, I know there is a way to defeat our hated enemy without her."

Rebekah rolled her eyes, "So enlighten us already and we will do everything in our power to help you!"

"Forsake Freya, and I will let you in!"

Elijah had reached his patience with Klaus and began to rise in volume, "This is insane! Hope is also our family. Now, if you continue to walk this path, you will lead her towards harm. And do not fail to understand me when I say this to you - I will do whatever it takes to prevent this."

"So will I. So, the choice remains yours, brother - Freya, or me," Klaus gestured with open arms before walking past them. He didn't care who stood by him, or who didn't. He would get Maleny back from wherever she was, all in the meanwhile of taking down Dahlia for Hope.

~ 0 ~

After finally seeing Hayley's calls, Elijah made it to the Algiers to hear about the events that had unfolded.

"Of course I tried to call you, Elijah!but Hayley was fuming, "But since Dahlia was able to take down both Klaus and Mikael, I'm guessing that a cell phone tower was a piece of cake."

"And where were the wolves who stood guard?"

"Getting their asses handed to them by Dahlia, just like Klaus did."

And at that moment, Klaus made an entrance as well. Surprised by his presence, Elijah questioningly looked at Hayley.

"I called both of you," she explained, suddenly quieter, "Dahlia is willing to make a deal in order for us to keep Hope."

"Oh, and I imagine the price is extra high," Klaus sarcastically smiled.

"Either we turn in your sister, Freya, or your son, Nicolas or she comes for Hope."

The smile was quickly gone from Klaus' face, and replaced with fury, "And you agreed!?"

"Yes," it was Hayley's turn to be sarcastic, "because if I had agreed then I would definitely be telling you about the deal in the first place," her tone then shifted to a soft, stern one, "I want my daughter safe, Klaus, but the cost of staying here will be too high for your family. Also," she knew her next words would probably bring the tip of the iceberg, "I don't understand how, but...she has Maleny trapped in some type of pendant necklace."

"She took Maleny!?" Klaus roared, only this time there was no one to attack.

Hayley sighed, "Look, with everything that's going on, we have to go," she received the expected alarmed, confused faces of the brotherS so she quickly added in, "Jackson is out getting supplies, and then we're taking the wolves and we're headed to the Bayou."

"The swamp?" Klaus arched an eyebrow, completely unamused with the silly plan, "So my child can be protected by the very wolves Dahlia so easily defeated? Absolutely not!"

Frustrated, Hayley marched up to him, coming face to face, "You know, I am so over taking advice from you, Klaus. All it has done so far is put Hope in danger. From now on, I am going to do what I want to do. We're leaving."

He shoved her back before she could leave the place, "You're not going anywhere unless I tell you to."

"I am not your prisoner, Klaus!"

Elijah sighed, trying to break them apart, "Both of you, please- we're playing into Dahlia's hands."

"Not doing as I say plays into her hands!" Klaus snapped, "While you two have been kow-towing to Freya and devising ways to flee with your tail between your legs, I've been forging a new path. I know what Freya was planning, and I know how to kill Dahlia.

But suddenly, they heard Jackson's booming voice calling out for Klaus. A couple of seconds later, he came in holding Aiden's dead body over his shoulders with a werewolf guard behind.

"Oh, my God," Hayley blinked when Aiden was placed down on a table. The corpse was marred in what looked like claw marks and had his heart taken out.

"Klaus made Aiden spy on us. Instead, he told me everything," Jackson turned to Klaus, fully accusing him, "so you killed him!"

Klaus only had a second to look over the corpse when Hayley was already accusing him as well.

"You killed one of the wolves sworn to protect our daughter?" she frowned.

Seeing all the accusing faces, and thinking it over for a minute, Klaus went with, "So what if I did? This is what happens to anyone who dares cross me!"

The werewolf that had come in with Jackson made a remark, "just give us the word, Jackson."

"Yes! Come and have a go!" Klaus shouted, motioning them to have at it, "But you'll be putting your life on the line for one who is all too willing to betray you. Perhaps this never would have happened if he'd had a real Alpha."

Jackson lost it and lunged for him, punching him across the face. In retaliation, Klaus sent Jackson backwards, into other wolves that had come in from the commotion. Hayley tried getting in to defend Jackson but suffered a blow to the stomach and flung to the side. It wasn't until Elijah put himself between Klaus and Jackson that things froze.

"Do you wish to die?" Elijah darkly inquired from Jackson.

Furious, Hayley got up and shoved Elijah back, "You wanna kill me, too, Elijah?"

Elijah moved back to where Klaus stood, "If you come at him, you come at me."

Klaus smirked with such a pleasant outcome, "You lot should make better use of your time. I suggest burying your dead."

"GET OUT!" Hayley screamed, violently pointing at them to the doors.

Elijah sighed and glanced at his brother, "Niklaus, you mentioned a plan. I recommend you begin. Hayley and Hope are safe for the time being and not going anywhere."

With a fake smile, Klaus nodded, "Shan't be long," he promised and calmly walked off.

~ 0 ~

In Marcel's apartment, he and Rebekah were discussing what apparently had happened to Aiden. And though she knew her brother perfectly, Rebekah was still stunned of the news.

"I can't believe this is happening. My brother's lost his bloody mind!" she exclaimed, slumping back against the couch, "I don't know whether to blame this on what happened to Mal, I mean...did his anger really drive him to do this?"

"You really think those wolves are gonna fight to protect Hope now?" Marcel asked the winning question, one that left Rebekah deeply pondering of the consequences Klaus' action would bring upon them.

"He ruins everything he touches! Turns everyone against us!" Rebekah raged and shook her head. "Honestly, sometimes I don't understand how Maleny can stand him!" But then she got to wondering if Maleny had been around, would he still have done such an outrageous thing?

Suddenly, Davina appeared by the entrance, teary eyed from the catastrophe, "Marcel?"

"We just heard," Marcel went for yer, "Is Josh with you?"

"No," she shook her head, "When Jackson came to get Aiden's body, he just took off."

"D- D, I'm so sorry," Marcel took her into a hug, letting her cry for a little.

Davina pulled herself together and stepped back, "I brought something for you," she dug into her purse and pulled out the gold dagger she and Kol finished.

Rebekah caught sight of the familiar dagger and gaped, "Is that what I think it is?"

Davina nodded, "The dagger Kol and I made. I want you to use it," she looked at Marcel, "Mal's gonna have to forgive me but I want you to put Klaus down."

Without saying a word, Marcel took the dagger from her, glancing at Rebekah to see what she wanted to do with it.

~ 0 ~

Amarrah and Cami had been going through Maleny's room in search of her mother's spell book. The idea was to find to a spell that would either locate Maleny's whereabouts, or bring her back from wherever she was. Amarrah squealed when she found the book in one of the drawers set against a wall.

"Aha! Yes!" she cheered and turned back to Cami, "Got it!"

Cami was relieved to see the book back and motioned for the witch to follow her out. When they did, they caught Klaus heading into his art room. The two women exchanged concerned looks, and after a moment they walked for the art room them selves.

Klaus was lurking through his things when he heard one of them clearing their throat. He was slightly confused to see them both smirking at him. "Can I help you both?" he asked the empty, sarcastic question.

"We've been thinking," Amarrah announced, ignoring the loud scoff he gave in response, "about the whole Aiden thing, and we have something to tell you."

"I believe everyone else has covered the basics of insults and whatnot," Klaus rolled his eyes.

"Why are you lying?" Cami sharply asked, starting him, "No one is here but us. We're trying to help you and you lying does no good."

"I'm not lying," Klaus frowned.

"It doesn't make sense," Amarrah continued, "None of it does. See, Elijah thinks you did it because Aiden betrayed you, but Rebekah thinks it's because of what happened to Mal."

"Yes," Klaus slowly, and darkly, said to the women, meaning on scaring them.

Cami took a step towards him, smirking even wider, "Liar, liar, pants on fire. We don't believe you, so just stop and tell us what it is you're planning."

"You have us, Alton and even Yamilet who's craving for revenge against your family," Amarrah reminded him, "Tell us."

Klaus considered the many things he could tell them, but never the true plan. He did think, however, of one detail they would be perfect in working at.

"Dahlia intercepted the spell you tried earlier," he looked over at Amarrah, "She placed Maleny's soul into a pendant necklace much like the one Freya wears around her neck. Figure a spell to get Maleny back."

Amarrah blinked, her mind racing to process the horrible news. Cami, on the other hand, pulled herself together rather fast in order to think.

"We have to know why she did it first and with what spell."

"She meant it as part of a deal she made with Hayley, which she didn't take clearly," Klaus turned back to his things, "Get Mal back, that's your task. The rest is for me."

But at that moment, Elijah strode into the room, "You put them in the paint," he accused, "Father's ashes, the earth from sacred ground, all hidden in plain sight."

Klaus turned back in anger, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be guarding Hayley."

"She's gone," Elijah declared rather calmly despite what was to come next, "She and Jackson took Hope, and you will not find them, brother."

"You helped Hayley escape? With my daughter?" the anger settled instantaneously over Klaus.

Cami was horrified to hear Elijah had done such a thing, especially without even talking to someone about it, "Elijah…" she whispered.

"Someone had to protect that child," Elijah began but Klaus has fully vamped-out and shoved him back until he was practically holding him over the balcony rail.

"HOW DARE YOU?"

Elijah grabbed Klaus' arm and twisted it to turn him around, shoving him back into the room. Klaus ended crashing through his tables.

"Cami…" Amarrah was horrified, and frankly scared, of the sight before them. The blonde gently pushed her out of the room and considered the idea of going in to help, but...she wasn't quite sure which brother to help. Klaus had his reasons, but Elijah was at a disadvantage due to his lack of knowledge about the truth.

Klaus had come back and thrown Elijah across the room then sped over to continue, "I'm a hybrid, Elijah. Why provoke a fight you cannot win?"

Elijah didn't say a word back and instead pulled out the golden dagger and jammed it through Klaus' heart. The hybrid was so caught off guard he didn't have a moment to think and pull the dagger when it already started taking effect.

"Elijah!" Cami screamed in both horror and anger. She didn't think twice before speeding over to take the dagger out herself.

"No, Cami!" Elijah yanked her back but the blonde was willing to fight him for it. She punched him in the face with all her might, sending him a decent amount of distance away.

"Amarrah!" Cami called and motioned her with a nod to get the dagger.

But Amarrah was suddenly grabbed by Rebekah and Freya from behind. She dropped the spell book and struggled against the two women.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" Cami meant to go for the two sisters and help Amarrah when Elijah was back on his feet and grabbed her from behind.

All in the meanwhile, the desiccation was taking full effect over Klaus. He had fallen to his knees and could only watch the last of the events in struggle.

"Cami, just stop!" Elijah was in and full struggle against the blonde in his arms.

Cami was jumping and making attempts to punch him from behind. She was beyond furious with the recent decisions that had apparently been taken without a word of consultation with her. After all that Elijah had told her about being part of them, a part of their family, she felt she was owed at least that much.

"CAMI!"

"NO!" Cami screamed and elbowed Elijah harshly, making him pull back. She sped towards the now desiccated Klaus on the floor, however Elijah got to her first and, with an immense pain in his heart, snapped her neck.

"No!" Amarrah exclaimed, teary eyed, as she watched her friend drop to the floor with a thud.

Elijah didn't look at all pleased with the happenings. His own teary eyes had blurred his vision, and though it hurt him, he stood by his actions with all the consequences that would follow.

#ocappreciation #the originals #klaus mikaelson #fd: the originals #klaus mikaelson imagines #the originals fics #klaus mikaelson fics #the originals imagines #tvd #tvd fics #tvd imagine #oc: Maleny Rowan #fic: the girl in the forest

10 notes · View notes

merinnan · 4 years

Text

DMBJ Explore with the Note Ep 3

Okay! Recap post for DMBJ season 2 (Explore with the Note), Ep 3!

Current counts:

Season 2 Xiaoge Rescue Count: 2 for Wu Xie, 2 for protagonists, 3 for everyone

Season 2 Wu Xie Swoon Count: 0

Season 2 Evil Hair Count: 2

Cumulative Xiaoge Rescue Count: 12 for Wu Xie, 17 for protagonists, 18 for everyone

Cumulative Wu Xie Swoon Count: 6

- Hopefully this ep has less snorkelling scenes

- But to be honest

- It would be hard to have MORE snorkelling scenes than ep 2 and still have plot

- Oh yeah, they've just had the first switcheroo of the side chambers and Wu Xie is Very Confused

- And Xiaoge just realised he's been here before, and is admitting he has memory problems

- You are still such a bad liar at this point, Wu Xie.

- Oh my god, Pangzi, you can't just ask people if they inject Botox or have a radiation-caused genetic mutation

- Also, yes, I am already on my bullshit with the soft looks Xiaoge gives Wu Xie

- Well. The looks. Because this Xiaoge looks at people who are not Wu Xie about the same amount as Yang Yang's Xiaoge did

- It is very convenient how the flashbacks in this one are colour coded with that soft yellow lighting

- It's taken these guys from 20 years ago a lot longer to get out here than it's taken Wu Xie and co. in the present time

- Like. I'm kinda wondering if this past Xiaoge was just straight up watching the idiot Xie accidentally kill himself.

- I mean, I wouldn't blame him, tbh

- Going out diving by yourself without telling anyone is borderline suicidal without adding sneaking into an underwater tomb without adequate preparation to it

- It's nice to have better lighting in the flashbacks, though

- There's a snek-browed fishy, and past!Xiaoge is shook

- Also, that Xie guy looks like he was boiled or roasted down there

- Oh, is past!Xiaoge remembering something about snek-fishies?

- Wu Xie coming in with some epic side-eye as Xiaoge tells the story

- Why does the flashback get a much more clear and visible snorkelling scene?!

- You can actually see things! - Are they trying to make a low-key accidental statement about water pollution?

- Okay, this episode's snorkelling scene starts 6 minutes in

- Let's see how long it goes for

- Hopefully it will end before the 17 minute mark

- That's the bar it has to beat here

- Surely it can't be that hard

- Oh, I spoke too soon on the water clarity

- Hey, if Sanshu and Wenjin could properly communicate underwater without arm notepads and without pulling out their fucking snorkles to try to literally talk underwater, WU XIE AND PANGZI, then why couldn't people in the present timeline do the same?

- Not looking at anyone in particular

- At all

- Especially not ones named Wu Xie and Pangzi

- The sea monkey that Sanshu chased off looks like baby compared to the one on the ghost ship

- Wow. Snorkelling took less than a minute and a half, with almost twice the number of people

- Obviously A-Ning needed more people on her expedition

- Then they wouldn't have had to swim around aimlessly for eleven fucking minutes before getting into the tomb

- Hahah, a perfume tomb

- Sure it is

- Don't you think that should make you suspicious, Sanshu?

- There's always gotta be a big, interesting mural. Let's see what exposition this one will trigger.

- Ofc Pangzi goes sniffing for perfume after hearing about it being there 20 years ago

- In a different room in the tomb

- After people had traipsed through it with their stinky diving equipment

- And ofc he doesn't smell it and then complains that it can't have been there in the first place

- Xiaoge's expression just says everything

- See, Wu Xie is the smart boy with the logical suggestions of why that might be, Pangzi

- This guy who wants to leave is like the only genre-savvy one of the lot of them

- Smart suggestions from past!Sanshu that yes, everyone should listen to

- They're not gonna listen to him

- Yep, taking a nap is never a good idea in these situations

- Which is why he's gonna do it

- After DMBJ 1 Pangzi, it's so nice to have a Pangzi who's smart and competent straight off the bat, instead of having to take like 4/5 of the season to get to that point

- And ofc you were a hooligan as a kid, Pangzi. I am totally unsurprised by this news

- I'd wondered why he jumped straight to aroma hypnosis, but him having come across it before when he was younger explains it

- This Wu Xie has some fantastic facial expressions

- For instance, this one is wondering if Pangzi is bullshitting him

- He doesn't even need to say it. It's right there on his face

- Oh yeah, Xiaoge recognises that

- And I was wondering how they'd intro that in without Wu Xie's disreputable antique store contacts telling him about it

- Pangzi is ofc the logical choice for it

- Hahah, yes, Wu Xie, you're right and you should say it

- Wu Xie: There's no such thing as ghosts

- Xiaoge's expression: You might want to reconsider that

- Oooh, Wu Xie has heard about it, too.

- Like almost 20 years ago, judging by how young he is in these flashbacks. And that this one looks like it takes place not long after Sanshu got into trouble from Grandpa Wu

- But like, Sanshu, why are you telling a five year old about this? Or maybe he's six. BUT STILL

- Sanshu, do not recommend evil, possibly-ghosty, nightmare-inducing perfumed bone to your baby nephew as a sleep aid

- Who tf let you near children?

- Ah, now time for the Sanshu-POV flashback. Which is happening within Wu Xie's flashback

- Flashback-ception!

- See, Sanshu, told you sleeping was a bad idea

- None of them listened to you

- Because you fell asleep and couldn't tell them no

- He can see surprisingly well for a man left in a sideroom of an underwater tomb with no light sources

- It looks like they took all his diving gear as well as their own

- How rude of them

- OH GOOD, it's not just me who was thinking that this room looked really empty

- I thought I was imagining things, or mixing up the room they were in earlier with the room that Wu Xie and the rest were in last ep

- Are those...claw marks where the mural used to be?

- OH WAIT NOW I REMEMBER WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM

- If this is following the book as closely as it seems for this bit, anyway

- I am less confused now

- Weird flash of light and sudden coffin appears

- Which Sanshu can still see without a light source

- Remember, kids, eat all your carrots like Sanshu obviously does!

- Do they just paint the same mural in every side chamber that has a mural? Because that looks just like the one from the other room.

- Oh no, I can see some differences in it now

- Yeah, that's not a good sign

- WTF Sanshu don't touch the creepy coffin that's suddenly pouring dark liquid out of it

- Is that another sea monkey?

- Apparently diving equipment is only necessary to get down to the tomb, not to get back up. You won't even swallow much water, you'll get back perfectly safely, just a bit out of breath

- And tired enough to pass out on the beach, but that might be from fighting a sea monkey first

- JFC, Sanshu, why are you telling all this to a five year old?

- You really think this is gonna dissuade him from this when he grows up? No. You are planting the early seeds of encouragement.

- Also the early seeds of lifelong nightmares

- You know, I still haven't worked out how Sanshu didn't recognise Xiaoge in DMBJ 1 - both drama and book. I mean, drama can be explained by them only adapting the first book that time, but book? Unless it gets explained later on

- Or I somehow skipped the explanation, which is also possible - I'll go back and reread them another time

- lol, Pangzi

- And look, more spiderwebs

- The undersea spider colony here really works hard

- Aaaah, Wu Xie's figuring it out already

- Pangzi seems to be serving the purpose of giving all the hints and little plot points that book Wu Xie already had before he stepped foot in the tomb

- Hahahah, 'can you please speak human'

- Pangzi with the major concerns. Who cares about running out of oxygen if the food is gone?! Not Pangzi!

- lol, looking at each other when they think Pangzi's being silly or unreasonable is already their go-to response

- lol, and Xiaoge doesn't agree until Wu Xie nods

- Ah, first thing they come across is the coffin from one of the other rooms, and Pangzi is showing off that this time around he actually knows things! Yay!

- Okay, this little smile and nod from Xiaoge to Wu Xie is just too adorable for words

- And in they go to investigate the coffin

- I do have to say that it's a very pretty coffin, though

- Yes, Xiaoge, that look is the appropriate look to give to Pangzi for saying that XD

- WTF is that

- lol, I like this troll Wu Xie

- Well. That was dramatic.

- IDK how the coffin lid when flying off like that though, there doesn't seem to be a sea monkey hiding in there this time

- Ew, that's a little gruesome

- Wu Xie is appropriately horrified by this

- It does still amuse me how Pangzi isn't even pretending not to be a tomb robber this time. He's so refreshingly honest about it.

- Hahaha. "Are you a Virgo? You're so picky" because Wu Xie is more interested in looking at the vases than in just grabbing a few to bail water with

- But hey, Wu Xie is a Pisces, nice to know

- You're just gonna walk over the top of that coffin lid like that, huh, Pangzi? Weren't you the one talking about how valuable the coffin was? And how you needed to do the proper rituals to show respect before opening it?

- And Wu Xie is back in the other room happily playing with vases and looking at the stories painted on them

- Alone

- Nothing bad could possibly come of this

- It's not like Wu Xie has a tendency to get into danger without even realising it

- Not at all

- But he's so happy! Like a cute little puppy

- lol, you really were so wrapped up in the vases that you didn't notice him leaving, huh, Wu Xie?

- Oops, looks like you stayed there a bit too long, Wu Xie. The entrance to the other room isn't there anymore

- Hahah, Xiaoge is so delicately scooping out water with the bowl compared to Pangzi just fucking going for it with that huge vase

- Aww, Xiaoge is worried about Wu Xie.

- But, y'know, guys, maybe you should turn around and realise that there's no entrance anymore

- Although that body is pretty creepy and attention-grabbing

- Yeah, I don't think that's gonna help, Wu Xie

- You're so adorable, though

- WTF how is there a live cat there

- Yeah, I don't blame you for pulling a gun, Pangzi

- Now back to poor, worried Wu Xie

- WTF does the theory of relativity have to do with the current situation?

- Awww, he's talking himself down from panic again. And it seems to be working.

- ...or not

- Ooh, the cat corpse is gone

- Xiaoge doesn't seem that concerned. More interested in the human corpse

- And they STILL haven't noticed that the entrance is gone I thought you had better situational awareness than this, Xiaoge

- Oh, that's not a good sign

- Ah, finally, NOW you notice

- As always, Xiaoge takes this the most calmly out of all of them

- I think it's a little late for not getting anxious, Wu Xie, when you were practically panicking earlier

- Uh-oh

- Here's the sea monkey, and Xiaoge is trapped in another room with no way of knowing

- Even though he does seem to have a sixth sense solely dedicated to Wu Xie being in trouble

- Run, Wu Xie, run!

- Lose your balance on those arrows! Throw those priceless vases as ineffective weapons!

- Ah, a side chamber which conveniently as a door that closes and locks

- GDI, Wu Xie, don't taunt the monster that's chasing you

- lol, his, 'wait, did that actually work' face

- Oh, so it's just gonna...dig through those stones. Fantastic.

- Why is there no blood on his knife? There really should be blood on his knife after stabbing that deeply.

- Hahah, Pangzi says that Wu Xie's guess was wrong, and Xiaoge just gives this lovely 'bitch please' look

- That's a hairy hairy hand right there

- I don't think Xiaoge so much as flinched

- Even when Pangzi's dart almost hit him

- Oh, okay, he seems vaguely concerned about the mark on his wrist now

- Oh, and now he's worried

- Yeah, when Xiaoge is worried and yells at you to run, it's time to fucking book it

- Guess he's a bit too distracted for his Wu Xie Is In Danger sense to be tingling right now

- That's a weird looking coffin

- And on Wu Xie considering anachronistic elements of this tomb that he's now noticing, Ep 3 comes to an end.

- And with no updates to the Rescue Count, the Swoon Count, or the Evil Hair Count.

#alicia watches dmbj #daomu biji #dmbj #explore with the note #xiaoge rescue count #wu xie swoon count #evil hair count #wu xie #xiaoge #zhang qiling #wang pangzi

5 notes · View notes

aziraphaleandcrowley · 4 years

Text

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

#anyway ignore me #long post for ts #sorry #tmi #rebecca speaks #again #with the amount of posts i jave like this on here im really starting to think i need to find an actual person to discuss stuff with #not sure what therapy options there are in the uk cos all my knowledge come from here which is so us centric #but i think im gonna do some research #tomorrow tho #long post #personal

4 notes · View notes

txladyj-blog · 4 years

Text

This Time Around - Chapter 25

A Daryl Dixon x OFC collaboration written by @xmistressmistrustx by request of @txladyj-blog

Rating: Explicit

Relationship: Daryl Dixon/Original Female Character

Tags: Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Awkwardness, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Crush, Fluff and Humor, Angst and Humor, Mild Smut, Strong Language, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Slow Burn, Canon Divergence, Some Canon Scenes and Dialogue

Chapters 28/?

Daryl was rarely around long enough in the house to be roped into chores but when Carol was on a mission there was little he could do to escape. She’d throw him an unimpressed expression that told of dire consequences should he take another step towards the door. He knew better than to argue with Carol, she always had a way of talking him around and more often than not, he admired her headstrong and determined attitude.

The task in question on this occasion was the dishes, having piled up from breakfast and he’d tried to beat a hasty retreat, hot on the heels of Rick and Michonne as they raced for the front door. But her voice saying his name in the stern manner she used when he was in trouble split through the air and halted him in his tracks. He turned just in time to catch a dish towel that was flying through the air and to see her motion towards the huge pile of dripping dishes on the drainer. He sighed, not bothering to hide the fact that he’d rather be doing anything else than household chores and started picking up bowls and drying them.

“How is Jess?” Carol asked casually while flitting around the kitchen and screwing the lids back on jars at the kitchen island.

His suspicions spiked straight away. It wasn’t as if he’d forgotten about the fact that he’d kissed Jess. That he’d kissed her and she’d kissed him back. That she seemed happy about it and so was he and he’d lay awake during the small hours thinking about how it was the best kiss of his life. But how could Carol know about that? Why was she asking about Jess all of a sudden? Why did she assume he knew about Jess’s current state? Paranoia consumed him as he cleared his throat and attempted to keep his answer flippant and breezy.

“She’s alright. Why?” He grunted.

She carried three coffee cups to the sink, turned the faucet on and rinsed them out. Steam from the hot water that no one now took for granted swirled up into the air and she made quick work of using such a precious commodity.

“That attack. The way she ran afterwards. The dark circles under her eyes.” She explained as she passed him the first cup to dry. “I’m concerned about her.”

“She’s fine.” He reiterated quickly, almost cutting her off.

“She’s skittish too.” She continued, very deliberately opting to bombard him with conversation on the topic. “I don’t think I’ve seen her settle into a task for a while. She doesn’t stay here long. Why is that?”

He dropped his hands, a coffee mug wrapped in the dish towel and glared at her. Now visibly irritated, his veil of indifference was thinning considerably and he found himself becoming uncontrollably and increasingly shifty.

“Why you even askin’ me? I ain't her damn keeper.” He snapped.

“No, but you are her person.” Carol pointed out. She shut off the water and balanced the remaining two coffee cups on the drainer.

“Person? What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” He questioned, confused by the term she’d used and what it meant. The timing of the conversation was still causing him concern and he was starting to wonder if anyone had seen them at the gate of the fairground the night before.

“You’re the one she trusts. Has she said anything to you?” She wanted to know.

“No, alright?!” He retorted “Why the hell d’ya think I know so much about her?! What’s with the interrogation? Shit.”

Daryl didn’t normally lie but it was a small mistruth to placate her and stop her from firing questions at him. Hoping she would change the subject or even better, cease talking altogether, he continued to dry the cups and thudded them on the counter with more force than was necessary.

“OK” Carol hushed with a small and telling smile. “OK.”

Guidance on the complex and treacherous issue that was the relationship between Jess and Daryl was something he couldn’t deny he needed, but he was not about to broadcast his feelings to the world and run around asking everyone for advice. If there was one person he could confide in, it was Carol, but the timing was off and he was still reeling from his actions the previous night when he seemed to experience a surge of pure courage and a personality transplant from absolutely nowhere which led him to commit an act that was so out of character, so unheard of that he shocked himself as well as Jess. He needed to process it, to figure out what it meant and being a private person, he wanted to keep it very much under wraps. It wasn’t as if Carol had never referenced there being something more to his fondness of Jess, he’d even admitted as much and as far as he could tell, she’d not breathed a word to a soul. The more he thought about it, the more guilt he felt for being so snappy and argumentative and therefore, decided to give her something to satisfy her curiosity.

“Look, she’s just havin’ a hard time sleepin’. I’m keepin’ an eye on her though.” He admitted.

“Good. She must talk to Denise if it’s anything more than that.” She advised.

“I know. I know that. I can take care of her.” He felt the need to point out.

Taking care of a friend, something he’d not had to deal with in his life due to his friendship group being incredibly small, was made all the more complicated by that friend being someone he’d crossed a line with, someone he’d discovered had feelings for him and someone he’d kissed. For a long time, all he’d wanted to do was take care of her and saying it aloud almost made him smile, but he hid it behind his stoic mask.

“So, you admit, you are her person.” Carol smirked at him as she leaned on the counter and took the dish towel from his hands.

“Whatever.” He shook his head before turning to walk away from her.

“Have you kissed her yet?” She asked out of the blue.

Daryl stopped and held his breath before it dawned on him how guilty it made him look. He sighed once more and closed his eyes momentarily. “What the hell?” he whispered to himself. Glancing over his shoulder, he noticed her grinning back at him. “Leave it alone, Carol.”

Her wide smile only grew larger when she saw a glimmer of shyness in him, the kind of shyness that a person shows when they have a precious secret that they want to keep to themselves, but also want to announce from the rooftops because it fills them with excitement and glee. He’d not said yes or no and so, she knew, she didn’t have to press him any further. Not yet, anyway.

Jess was exhausted. But this time, it wasn’t a result of nightmares. It was because every time she closed her eyes, her thoughts wandered to Daryl and how he’d made a move on her and kissed her. In her wildest dreams she imagined scenarios in which it would happen, each one feeling more unlikely than the last, like it would never materialize in reality and she only dared to entertain such ideas. Then, he put his hands on her face and brought his lips to hers and her world changed in a split second. She’d tossed and turned, sat up, got a drink and tried to write it all down in her journal but only got as far as three words before her head started spinning again and she failed to fight yet another beaming grin.

‘Daryl kissed me.’

But underneath it all was the creeping doubt that it had all been a mistake, that he would admit he didn’t mean it and that it wasn’t going to happen again. She wasn’t the girl that got kissed or was wanted by men like Daryl. Or, by anyone that she could recall. The idea that her feelings may be reciprocated for once in her life was too far fetched for her to pin too much hope on. But she had a nice memory nevertheless and no matter what happened, she would always remember that Daryl Dixon had kissed her and not only did it make her weak in the best of ways, it gave her perspective. Now Daryl had shown her, after such a horrifying experience at the hands of disgustingly eager strangers, that tenderness and desire from the right person could do wonders to help her move forward.

Following a short visit to Deanna’s house, Jess wandered slowly towards the gate holding her bow in her hands and squinting at the splintering wood at the ends. It was wearing away and soon, she would need a new one. The weather, being immersed in water while hiding in the stream with Daryl and continuous use had taken its toll and she accepted that sooner rather than later, she would need to try and replace it. She picked at the wood with her fingertips, discarding the sharp bits as she walked, until she came to an abrupt stop in front of a battered pair of boots. Slowly, she raised her gaze to find Daryl standing inches from her.

“Uh, hi” She uttered. Her nerves lit up and her whole body was rapidly engulfed with a shaky sensation. Her voice was nothing more than a whisper and she quickly noted that she must have appeared totally terrified. She swallowed hard and pulled herself together.

He looks gorgeous. How dare he.

“Hey” He said in his usual raspy tone. If he felt anywhere near as uneasy as she did, he wasn’t showing it. Jess tried not to panic but having never dealt with such a long awaited and much coveted situation before, she had no idea how to proceed. Her mouth opened and closed again and Daryl just watched at her blankly as she gawped at him with her bow gripped so tightly in her hands that her knuckles were turning white.

Say something. Oh my god! SAY SOMETHING, JESS!

“Nice weather today. Better than yesterday. Was...too hot. Way too hot.” She blurted out. The words tumbled from her lips, laced with regret and embarrassment. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say or how she was supposed to act and she was self-aware enough to know that if she let her instincts take over, she would end up babbling about the weather for hours or running away like a scared animal.

The weather. Smooth, Jess.

“Yeah real nice.” He replied. He pushed his lips into a thin line and nodded subtly at her and with that small gesture, came her first clue that he was a little unsettled after all.

“Are you… are you OK?” She tried, not sure exactly what she meant but going with it anyway.

“Yeah” He answered as he quickly looked over his shoulder towards the Grime’s house. “M’fine. You?”

“Mmhmm” She hummed. It was high-pitched and she almost ran at how gawky and inelegant she was presenting as.

“You sleep?” He asked.

“Uh, N-No. At least it wasn’t because of the nightmares this time.” She paused, shocked at her intense and sudden need to address the issue hanging over their heads. She figured it didn’t have to be a huge conversation, she just needed to know where she stood and it would mean she could go about the rest of her day without feeling terrified of looking him in the eye. “Look, about last night-”

“-Don’t” he warned

“Don’t what?” She asked in surprise at how quickly he’d stepped in to put a stop to her touching on the subject.

“Just…don’t.” He repeated.

Jess was baffled, did he really expect her to be able to just carry on with her life without some kind of explanation or clue as to what such a lingering and passionate kiss did or didn’t mean to him? He wasn’t a great talker with anyone else, but with her he was different. He told her things that he didn’t tell anyone else. She was sure he trusted her, so the flat denial when she tried to address the issue was hopelessly confusing to her. She knew better than to ignore him and keep talking, but she wasn’t about to let him get away with saying nothing. The man she loved had kissed her and initiated it, she needed a snippet, just something to go on before her mind went into overdrive and she involuntarily began to prepare for some kind of eventual speech in which he would say that he didn’t mean to kiss her and that he didn’t like her like that. Or, would he? She hoped she wouldn’t have to deal with the agonizing disappointment of a one-time thing.

“Will you just answer me one question? Please?” She pleaded.

He carefully studied her face, his vision skimming down to her lips. The same lips he’d kissed so eagerly the night before. Time passed as he focused on them but he didn’t care, he loved how he’d managed to silence her and make her giggle and smile. He loved the way she clung to him and the small whimper that escaped her, making him wonder how he’d even managed to instill such a good feeling in another person. He had the mind to kiss her again there and then if the town wasn’t full of curious eyes and gossip addicted ears. He also hadn’t thought about what would happen now and every time he tried, he came to the same conclusion; that Jess could do a lot better and shouldn’t be wasting her time on him.

“Was it… a mistake?” Her voice was low and her tone laden with trepidation, as if she was about to hear something she really wasn’t going to like. Daryl wanted to grab her and shake her for not being able to see what he did when he looked at her and he hated that she seemed to be assuming that he regretted his actions. He didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t know how. But she did deserve an answer to her question. He stepped closer to her with his head dipped and one hand resting on the handle of his knife at his belt. He checked the street over her shoulders before shifting his gaze and looking her in the eye through his messy hair.

“No” he whispered.

Her eyebrows shot up and her mouth fell open. He was right, it wasn’t what she was expecting at all and he thought, for a split second that he saw a brief flicker of fear cross her features. Jess’s head quickly filled up with more questions, more reasons to push him to just tell her what he wanted, what it all meant from his point of view. But it worked both ways, if Daryl was expected to disclose such information, then so was she and she would then be forced to admit her true feelings for him ran a lot deeper than that of a small crush. Still, she was gobsmacked. Rendered almost speechless from his tiny, one-word, hushed answer. He wasn’t lying and she knew it. He wouldn’t lie to her, especially not while looking her square in the eyes. No, it had to be something else; maybe he’d lost his grasp on sanity and finally succumbed to the horrendous things he’d seen and done to survive at the end of the world. Maybe he wasn’t in his right mind and some kind of head injury had affected his judgement. She had no idea, but there had to be some kind of explanation as to why Daryl had kissed her because, in her opinion, the chances of him feeling the same way about her were slim to none.

“Oh.” She uttered, pinning her lower lip under her teeth. “Okay.”

I should ask him what he meant when he said it wasn’t over. But that’s two questions and I only asked for one. Can I just ask two? Is that how this works? God dammit!

Then, she saw the corner of his mouth curl up into a subtle and devastatingly sexy smile and she dragged in a deep breath. Other than that, she couldn’t move, couldn’t speak and could just about blink. Her mind emptied of thoughts. She could have stood there for hours just looking at him smile at her like that. The shy way his eyes flickered around before falling back to hers stirred butterflies in her stomach. She would have given anything to have the means to snap a photo of him in that moment.

Daryl couldn’t believe what he was seeing. She was immobile and gazing up at him like he’d grown an extra head. Her eyes were wide and her mouth hung open. He thought it to be adorable and couldn’t help but smile at her when he pondered that she really was shocked by what was happening. Unexpectedly, he felt as though he had a certain amount of control despite not having a single clue what he was doing. He’d managed to swerve a conversation he couldn’t yet have without making her angry and he’d also managed to somehow get across that whatever was or wasn’t going to happen between them, he didn’t think kissing her was a mistake.

When she finally managed to speak, it sounded like her voice had all but vanished. “This is awkward. I don’t want it to be awkward.” She expressed quietly.

Still smiling, Daryl began to back up while still keeping her eyes locked with his. He briefly scratched at the back of his neck and shifted the crossbow strap on his shoulder.

“Don’t make it awkward then.” He smirked before turning and walking towards the gate. Rooted to the spot, Jess stayed where she was, reeling and trying to understand when everything shifted and why Daryl was so casual about it all instead of reacting with revulsion and terror. Having lost control of her feelings, her facial expressions and apparently, her very mind, Jess headed over to Aaron and Eric’s place.

She didn’t intend to spend more than an hour or so visiting Aaron and Eric, but their couch happened to be so comfortable and her bones were so heavy with fatigue that she was soon fast asleep with her face shoved into her screwed up jacket. Eric covered her with a blanket and left her to it while Aaron explained to him that the attack was having lasting consequences for her, namely that she was finding it hard to relax and sleep.

After two hours of nightmare-free sleep, Jess awoke and blinked the slumber from her eyes. For a second, she forgot where she was and instinctively went to grab for her knife until she recognized the room and thumped her head back on her jacket. The absence of a nightmare didn’t mean the absence of a dream and she closed her eyes and willed herself back to sleep so she could slip, effortlessly back into the world inside her subconscious that meant she and Daryl were alone in the apartment she had before the turn, entwined on the couch as cars beeped and revved their engines in the traffic below. The turn hadn’t happened and Jess was curled against his body, reading a book on her side while he spooned her from behind and snoozed peacefully with a hand rested on her bare thigh below her shorts. The windows were open and a breeze billowed against the drapes, a breeze that brought with it the smell of summer and the rustling of bright green leaves in the trees below. On the nightstand were cups of steaming coffee that had been put off in favor of ten more minutes of just being still and together. It was the perfect picture; Daryl’s vest hung on the back of a chair in the kitchen, a dragon door knocker on the front door chosen by Jess and on the coffee table were the keys for his bike and a pack of cigarettes. His hair was messy from the pillow and his face was totally relaxed when she gradually rolled over to look at him. She traced her fingertips along his exposed upper arm and he stirred, his eyes opening and his face breaking into a soft smile. He tried to speak but nothing came out, his brow furrowing at the lack of sound. Jess attempted to ask if he’d lost his voice but she too was noiseless. Both of them were unable to speak but after a few seconds, neither of them cared when he kissed her soft lips and she dragged him closer, flush with her body.

Slipping back into such a fantasy turned out to be nigh on impossible once she’d left it but her stomach still fluttered with the idea, with the wish that one day, something similar might happen now she had known the sensation of his kiss and his fingers holding onto the side of her face. Such a wish was a dangerous one so soon, but it was the price she had to pay for being in love with him. She groaned against her jacket and pushed up from the couch, her eyes immediately meeting Eric’s, who was sitting on an armchair reading opposite her. He made a comment about her being like a narcoleptic but assured her that their home was always open to her if she felt she could sleep better. She thanked him after half listening and rubbed at her eyes.

“Are you hungry? We’re about to have lunch” he asked.

She nodded silently and he got to his feet, taking her hand and hoisting her up from the couch. He beckoned her to follow him, the smell of something appealing wafted through her nose as she approached the kitchen. Then, she stopped at the door, unable to proceed any further. Her body language closed up and she solemnly lowered her head. When Eric enquired what was wrong, she mumbled to him that she couldn’t bring herself to go into the room. Aaron, who overheard from the kitchen table, didn’t need to be told what the issue was before he was racing towards the doorway and placing a hand on her shoulder in comfort. It was the first time she’d been near the room she was attacked in and everything was still a little too raw.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to stay in here.” He soothed “Eric? Why don’t we take everything outside and eat on the front porch?”

“Right. Of course. It’s a nice day, may as well.” He chirped back.

Jess, touched by their understanding and effort, mouthed a noiseless ‘thank you’ to Aaron and retreated to the porch, where she noticed that Daryl had volunteered for guard duty on the gate. It was rare to see him on guard duty at all, let alone during the day and not in the tower and she thought it typical that after their kiss and her detailed dream, he was going to be standing there, right in her sight line as she ate lunch with her friends.

Cutlery clinked against plates and regular conversation was had between Aaron and Eric while Jess pushed her food around her plate and glared across the grass verge in front of the house at Daryl, who was leaning against the fencing at the top of the gate, smoking a cigarette and keeping a close eye on the road that lead to the town. He knew she was there and looked over at her occasionally, at one point playfully flipping her the bird which she quickly threw right back at him.

Aaron and Eric swapped a grin at Jess’s more than obvious vigil and Aaron cleared his throat loudly in order to capture her attention. Jess turned her head to see them both displaying wide smiles. It dawned on her that the whole time she’d been sat with them, she’d not only failed to utter a single word, she’d also not even looked at them. She huffed a huge sigh of annoyance and slammed her knife and fork down on the table, making them both flinch.

“Why’s he gotta do that? Why is he on guard today? Why pick today? He’s never on guard during the day.” she babbled.

“Why’s that a problem?” Eric asked.

As she spoke, she picked up her fork again and stabbed aggressively at the salad on her plate

-Stab- “Why is that a problem?! Why is that a problem, Eric?! Have you seen him?" -Stab- "Do you have eyes? He’s over there, minding his business..." -Stab- "…and looking like a damn snack. Could have at least covered the arms up." -Stab- "Lord above.”

Reaching the end of her sentence, she shoveled a huge forkful of food into her mouth. Chewing messily, she wound the piece of metal cutlery around in the air and sighed at the sight of Daryl, harmlessly standing on watch. Eric couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing with raised eyebrows at her blatant honesty and wiped his mouth with a napkin before dragging his chair closer to the table.

“Um, have I missed something here?” He inquired.

“Oh, yeah.” Aaron answered “ Jess is in love with Daryl” his tone was nonchalant and he barely even looked up, figuring that if Jess was willing to be so blatant about her thoughts then he was allowed to speak the truth. Jess paid it no mind and continued to stare at Daryl.

“Wait… what?!” Eric exclaimed, baffled by the fact that no one seemed to be making a big deal out of something that sounded very much like a big deal to him.

“Mmhmm” Jess hummed casually while shoving a carrot in her mouth on the end of her fork. “And it’s hell.”

Eric blinked at her and slowly looked to his side at Aaron, who was finishing up the last of his meal. He met his eye and received a careless shrug that signaled to him that if he wanted to know anything more, he should just ask.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that. Has anything happened between you guys?” He wanted to know.

Somehow, she became even more still as a white lie formed in her mind. She peered down at her plate and sheepishly reached out for her drink without even looking up. She gulped water down and placed the glass back, aware that she’d taken a long time to answer.

“No”

She almost choked on her drink when she spat out the word. Something had very much happened but she didn’t want to betray Daryl’s trust by telling anyone and also didn’t want anyone to know anyway in case it all fell apart and she was left embarrassed and feeling like a fool.

Aaron, who picked up on the shifty way in which Jess replied to Eric, put his fork down and studied her expression.

“Did you do it? Did you kiss him again?”

Eric jolted and his head snapped to the side at Aaron before swinging back to Jess, who was looking extremely guilty.

“You kissed Daryl?!” He exclaimed.

“Yes. No. Yes. Ugh.” She complained. Her shoulder blades hit the backrest of the chair and she crossed her arms over her chest, irritated and defensive. “I don’t want to talk about it.” she snapped childishly while jutting her lower lip out.

“I’ll explain later.” Aaron assured Eric while Jess scowled over at Daryl, who by that point, had noticed her interest in him and turned his back in order to conceal a small laugh.

That night, Jess ventured to the pantry to stock up on the basics. She took her time, picking items from the shelf and arranging them neatly in a box held close to her body with one arm. It was a weekly routine, sometimes two weekly if she ate at Aaron and Eric’s and managed to make what she had at the fairground stretch. More often than not, she would take advantage of the soups and various meals some people would make in large quantities for the community as donations to the pantry. Such gestures would keep her fed for a couple of days without having to tap into her own supplies too much.

The vegetable patch at Alexandria was thriving and Jess had even helped herself to a few bulbs and cuttings for growing at her own home. She was attempting to grow bell peppers and tomatoes again, along with some choice herbs much like she did when she was staying in the city. So far, she was seeing results and as long as she devoted enough time and patience to them, it would be one less thing she needed from Alexandria.

When Daryl appeared in the pantry’s doorway, her heart jumped but outwardly, she was calm and collected, leaving her box on the opposite side of the room to the shelves and marking off what she’d taken on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard for Olivia, who needed to dash home temporarily and left instructions as to what needed to be done paperwork wise.

He hovered around her, deliberately picking up things he didn’t need but Jess didn’t need to know that. Carol had provided him, involuntarily with a list of very specific items that she needed after he’d volunteered to visit the pantry when he saw Jess walking along the sidewalk with her box under her arm. He felt like an idiot. Like a middle schooler who had no idea what he was doing around the girl he liked. But the temptation proved to be too much and he wanted to see her, needed to see her even just for a few minutes and had snatched the list from Carol’s fingers quicker than he’d meant to.

Gathering what looked like a rather odd collection of canned goods to Jess, Daryl arranged them on the table beside her and it was when he chewed on his bottom lip that she figured he was trying to say something.

“Headin’ home?” He asked.

“Yup.” She chirped, keeping her voice a little higher than usual because she felt it made her seem a little more casual than she felt inside. “Been here all day. Getting kinda anxious.”

A full day spent at Alexandria was unusual in itself, let alone after such a brush with death and the horrible memories that remained when she looked at certain parts of the town. She sometimes cursed herself for not being able to just move on like everyone else. It was the end of days and people saw disturbing things all the time but Jess couldn’t understand why she found it more difficult than most to just carry on with surviving without being plagued by the attack.

“Need me to sleep with ya?” Daryl questioned.

The words that were said and the way those words were processed in Jess’s mind were very different altogether. So much so that she could do nothing but stare at him for a few moments, a small blink being the only part of her that moved. Everything in her told her not to make a comment, to just answer the question, but she was trying to act normal to prove that his lips on hers had not been adding to her anxiety and heightened sense of unease.

“That’s one hell of an offer” she giggled nervously, hating herself for being unable to keep the dirty-minded statement in her head.

Daryl shifted his weight and cleared his throat before performing a split-second glance over his shoulder.

“One thing at a time, girl” He told her, a thin smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “C’mon, you know what I mean.”

Just like that, as if a spark went off inside her, her cheeks rushed with hot embarrassment and her eyes locked open as wide as they would go. She rapidly dropped her vision to the floor and now it was her turn to chew her lower lip and frantically try to gather her thoughts before she made the situation anymore difficult to deal with. She wasn’t a flirter but until then had figured she’d not done a terrible job. But it had been subtle and playful and the kind of flirting that went on between good friends. Or, was it? She was questioning everything since he’d kissed her. Every word, every move and every time he’d looked her in the eye. She wished she knew if it was something more than just a kiss to him, but wasn’t betting on finding out any time soon.

Daryl had to consciously try not grin at Jess’s extremely obvious blushing. Her ears and nose were even red and the notion that it had been because of him was strange to him but it didn’t come without a tremendous sense of accomplishment. He loved it when she blushed.

“Huh. Right. Um… no. I uh, I should be okay.” She mumbled to the floor as she wandered away from him and began to potter uselessly around the makeshift pantry. She pulled a piece of paper from her pants pocket and unfolded it, pretending to read it in great detail and using it as a shield before stuffing it noisily back into her pocket. Daryl observed her with interest when she gradually worked her way back to the table with a single can of tomatoes and placed it in her box. She picked up the clipboard, added a line to the tally by the item and left the inventory on the surface.

It wasn’t as if Daryl was confident with women. He found them baffling, sometimes downright weird and generally kept people behind a boundary, including the fairer sex. But Jess, he knew. He was used to her and after stepping over his own boundary, he knew her just a little bit more. For the first time in his life, he was sure he’d met someone that was as clueless about affairs of the heart as he was and having accepted long ago that it would never happen to him, the last thing he could have ever predicted was to find himself so drawn to a nervous nerd that saw him as so much more than a violent redneck. With Jess, he felt a confidence that he wasn’t aware was present in him but it only went so far and he was wary of pushing it for fear of scaring her. She was like a precious, nervous deer in the woodlands, one wrong move and she would bound off into the distance and he would lose her for good.

But he still had desires and one of those desires was to watch her pink cheeks and fidgeting hands, to watch how flustered she became around him all in the knowledge that she did actually like him the way he liked her. Now he had proof that he’d heard for himself, he was seeing a reaction from her that he’d not seen in any other women he’d encountered.

He leaned across her, inches from her face. The smell of leather lingered under her nose and she wanted to take a step back but she was rigid, her curiosity keeping her pinned where she was. Daryl collected the clipboard and braved lifting his gaze to hers. Blue eyes peered nervously back at him, surrounded by a soft pink glow that was growing more intense. He stopped moving and she could the delicate lines in the blue of his eyes.

“Why ya blushin’ so bad?” He whispered. A part of him was genuinely curious while another, more prominent part of him just wanted to admire how endearing she was when she was shy.

“Because you’re… an asshole that’s doing it on purpose.” She uttered. Her eyes were suddenly everywhere but on him, quickly darting about the room and trying to find something to focus on that wasn’t going to fuel her bashfulness.

He knows what he’s doing and he’s enjoying it. He’s enjoying watching me squirm. What a bast-oh who am I kidding?! I’d squirm for him any day. If only I could figure out what the hell it is that he wants. Wait…is he? He is! He’s moving closer! Oh, dang. Don’t look at him…don’t look-shit. I saw chest above that shirt button. Delicious, tanned, Daryl chest up close. I have to move or I’m literally going to melt. Move, Jess. Move, move, move!

Daryl had indeed, moved closer to her. With his breath now tickling her face she thought about what it might look like to anyone passing by the pantry, which was essentially just a garage at the back of someone’s house and was more often than not, a hive of activity. Luckily, night was descending and the streets were fairly empty but anyone going about a patrol or simply breezing past would get an eyeful of Daryl, gradually closing the gap between them. The game, whatever that may be, would well and truly be up.

“I ain’t doin’ nothin’, Jess.” He pointed out.

She finally found the gusto to step back and summon up some kind of mask for how vulnerable and confused she felt. As was normally the case with Jess when she was with Daryl, she used humor.

“Shut up and go wash that vest again.” She jabbed.

He stayed where he was but actually picked up the clipboard and pen, checking out a few items and raising an eyebrow at her over the metal clip.

“Sure, mom.” He commented.

Jess merely rolled her eyes and tugged her gloves from her coat pockets. She wiggled her fingers as she shoved her hands inside, one, followed by the other as she looked up at him intermittently.

“I get that shit from Carol. Don’t need you lecturing me too.” He complained.

“I’m not lecturing.” She argued with her hands held in surrender “I mean, I should because soon you’re going to start smelling like a frickin’ morgue with the heating left on. But I guess the Walkers don’t detect you as easily so maybe we should find a way to bottle that stench and sell it for some magic beans”

Feeling braver after her teasing of him, she smirked and tapped her leg with her fingers. Bravery didn’t always come with some element of nerves.

“Don’t make me shut you up” He warned.

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do, Hmm?” She goaded, stepping closer and prodding his shoulder. “C’mon”

“Stop.” He warned.

“No, c’mon, what are you going to do about it?” She laughed with another nudge on his arm with the back of her hand. In one, long stride he’d left the table and was back in front of her, looking down at her with a most serious expression that told her she may well have genuinely annoyed him with her childish attempt at thawing the awkward atmosphere. His lips parted and Jess was ready to skirt around him like a dodge ball, grab her box and flee into the night.

“You don’t shut up I’ma kiss ya again.”

His stare was so concentrated and penetrating that once again, her feet felt like they were made from cement and she could only gawp back at him, clueless and hoping that he wasn’t as angry as he looked.

“I’m sorry.” She croaked.

He stepped back, realizing that he’d given her the wrong impression and that his seriousness about kissing her again if she started to babble had wrongfully been translated into him being mad at her. It occurred to him that he needed to work on his communication skills if he wanted to get anywhere with her, but was it all worth the effort when she could, and probably would, eventually do a lot better than him? A new group could arrive tomorrow, as a recruiter, he could even be the one that brought the one person that was perfect for her inside the gates. To him, she deserved more. She was worthy of someone that knew what they were doing, that knew how to devote themselves to someone else and be a good partner. Someone who didn’t have needless violence, multiple arrests and skills acquired by questionable means in their past. Someone who wasn’t covered in scars, mental and otherwise. Despite all the doubt, he would have been a fool to think he could stay away from her even if he tried and not having her in his life wasn’t even an option.

“Don’t have to be sorry.” He said, backing up to the table.

“I don’t?” She questioned. Her tone was unsure and she couldn’t figure out if he was playing down his anger through guilt or if she’d just taken it the wrong way. He picked up the few items he’d gathered and clutched them to his body with one arm.

“Nope.” He grunted as he walked to the door. He paused, glancing at her and noting that the white glow front the street light outside the garage cast on her clothing made her look like some kind of assassin but her face, her soft, innocent and totally mystified features was as it had always been; the one thing that made him stop and really see her. He left her with two, short words that did very little to cure her perplexed state of mind.

“I ain’t”

Dangerous situations were part and parcel of Daryl’s life in the apocalypse and when he really thought about it, he could successfully conclude that even before the turn, he’d been conditioned to normalize things that the average person would have avoided. He’d been arrested countless times, had more fights than he could ever even begin to count, lost himself in drugs and followed in his brother’s footsteps towards a world full of biker gangs and untold illegal activity. But none of it scared him. Fear was a useful tool to Daryl and it had been since he was a teenager.

Recruiting was more often than not left completely up to Daryl and Aaron and the two of them worked together to cover certain areas of the map while out looking for other survivors. Red zones which boasted thick, bold red lines through them on every map available in Alexandria, were no-go places. Risky groups, herds of Walkers and evidence of ritualistic or cannibalistic activity were found in such places and Deanna had set a non-negotiable rule that no one should enter into such territory unless they had no other choice.

But Daryl didn’t play so well with rules and Deanna had made it more than evident that she was furious with him when he returned one day with intel that there was a small group living in woodland that was well into one of the red zones. He’s scoped them out, returning every day for over a week to monitor their activity and take stock of the small amount of supplies they possessed. The group was formed of two males, a female and a small boy and if he didn’t already know better, Daryl would have swept in and taken the child, bringing him to the safety of their walled community without a single question. But the world had changed and things were not always as they seemed. Bait was everywhere and human beings were not above using children for all manner of horrendous things when their survival depended on it.

Having spoken to Aaron behind Deanna’s back, who immediately went to inform Jess, Daryl set off one day with a large truck, food, water and photographs of Alexandria in the hope that he could lure the apparently harmless group back with him and provide them with a chance at living instead of just existing. Jess was sworn to secrecy after being told that if Deanna found out Daryl was bringing people back from a red zone, there was no telling what she would do. It did nothing for her anxiety and for twelve hours straight, she wandered aimlessly around the fairground, firing off arrows into targets and training the shakes from her hands. What if he never came back? What if one kiss was all she was destined to get from him? What if she never found out what it meant to him? What if Daryl was gone, how would she go on without him?

There was a good reason why Daryl did not go straight to Jess when he arrived at the gates with the new group in tow. He had something to attend to first and Deanna to deal with before he could even think about leaving the safe zone again. After a long argument that was quickly put to rest when Deanna set her eyes upon the bright blonde, frightened four year old that was waiting in her hallway with his mother, father and uncle, Daryl left the house and headed to the Grime’s home garage, where he kept his bike and various tools and parts that he’d collected. He settled on the long, wooden bench at the back of the room and left the door open.

Carl, having seen Enid and her boyfriend sitting by the pond, was making tracks to his house, where a plethora of distractions awaited and he could bury his head in something that didn’t involve having to watch the girl he had a crush on with someone else, someone he didn’t even like. When he spotted Daryl in the garage, he remembered the advice gifted to him by Jess; that he should watch Daryl because he was the perfect example of how to treat a girl. He ambled into the dimly lit room and ran his hand over the handlebars of Daryl’s bike as he went. The air smelled like polish and car wax and he could see a compound bow on the wooden table in front of Daryl.

“Hi.” He called out.

Daryl glanced up, his hands still over the bows frame.

“Hey. Y’alright?” he replied.

Carl moved closer and rested his arm atop of a tower of metal drawers.

“Yeah” He shrugged.

The intuitive part of Daryl noticed the teenager’s low mood, sagged shoulders and mumbled tone. He wasn’t happy about something and as recent conversation with both him and Jess had revealed, the source of that unhappiness had to be one thing; Enid. He waved a hand at the space on the bench beside him.

“Sit ya ass down.”

Sitting down on the seat beside Daryl, Carl took in the items on the table, a compound bow, wax for the strings, car wax, cloths and a box of small maintenance tools.

“Shouldn't that be in the armory?” He inquired.

“Yup.” Daryl grunted, seemingly unbothered by the huge rule he’d broken by bringing the weapon to the house instead of the safety of the armory. He sat back, slid the bow across the table and positioned it in front of Carl. Then, he picked up the wax block and handed it to him.

“Ya gonna sit here, ya gonna be useful.” He told him “Here. The strings need waxing.”

Not totally confident and sure about what he was supposed to be doing or how, Carl gingerly took the wax and turned the bow around so the strings were facing him. Hovering his hands over the weapon, Daryl stepped in, unhooked the cables for the cable slide and began to explain all the parts that he needed to use the wax on. Before he knew it, Carl was almost done with his task while Daryl watched over him and explained what each of the accessories and elements on the bow were used for.

“I thought you liked your crossbow” Carl commented as he carefully maneuvered the wax block around the peep sight, taking care not to cover it completely.

“I do.” Daryl answered. “This ain’t mine.”

“Really? Then whose is it and why are you cleaning it?”

Carl was always inquisitive and wasn’t afraid to ask if there was something he wanted to know. Sometimes, it was much to Daryl’s annoyance but he always let it slide, remembering his own curiosity at that age and how he had to repress it to avoid a beating for being too meddlesome.

“It’s gonna be Jess’s.” He revealed with a quick side glance. Carl smiled and suddenly, Daryl felt quite exposed.

“Does she know?” Carl pressed.

“No and you ain’t gonna tell her.” Daryl confirmed as he opened the tool box and began rummaging inside. The jarring sound of metal on metal rang through the garage as he selected what he needed and began tightening the screws on the frame of the weapon.

“I won’t tell her. So, it’s a surprise? You got her a surprise?” He was persistent and Daryl had previously been faced with Carl’s determination. He knew better than to try and divert the subject or not answer at all. It was at times like that that he had no choice but to give in and answer what felt like a constant barrage of questions already.

“Yeah. Guess so.” Daryl grunted in response.

“Why?”

“Use that” Daryl instructed, pointing to a small paintbrush laying on the surface by Carl “Get to dustin’ the frame down, around the bolts and screws.”

The teenager did as he was told, but his eyes kept flickering across to his unwilling and unknowing mentor who was busy thinking about how his current situation reminded him of hot, dusty days spent contorted around motorcycles when he was a child while his brother barked orders at him and smoked cigarettes way too close to the gas tank.

“Why?” Carl repeated.

“Jesus, kid. I dunno!” Daryl snapped. “She’s been kinda down lately. Thought she’d like it.”

“So, you got her a new bow because you want to make her happy.” Carl surmised, excited by the prospect that he’d caught Daryl right in the middle of preparing a surprise for Jess and thus proving her theory that he was indeed the one he needed to be taking notice of.

“I didn’t ‘get’ her a bow and it ain’t new. One of the guys from the group I brought back gave it to me as a thank you. He had two. I know she’ll like it and she could use a little good news.” Daryl explained impatiently while trying to concentrate on what his hands were doing.

“Have you given her any other surprises?”

Daryl dropped his arms onto the table and downed tools. A loud sigh escaped from his lungs and he side glanced at the eager boy.

“Why you grillin’ me ‘bout this, man?” he wanted to know.

“I’m not. I’m just…curiou-.”

“-Curious ‘bout what, Carl?” Daryl shot back before Carl could even finish saying his sentence. Detecting that his questioning was having the opposite effect to how he’d intended it, he tried to explain but with Daryl staring at him as if he was going to use him as target practice to see if the compound bow worked, what came out was not what he planned.

“Nothing. Nothing. I was just wondering why you’d surprise her like this. I-I guess I’m trying to figure something out and Jess told me that you were a…uh…nevermind.”

Turning to face the worried kid on the bench beside him, Daryl narrowed his eyes, now completely losing interest in the bow and focusing all of his attention on what Jess had apparently told him.

“Jess told ya I was a what?” He demanded.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Carl quickly shook his head.

“Carl. Tell me.” Daryl continued to push.

Aware he was not going to be leaving the garage without having disclosed something that Jess made him swear not to tell anyone, Carl groaned with frustration and threw his head back, closing his eyes for a second before looking back at Daryl, who was leaning towards him with one arm braced on the table.

“I’m not supposed to say.” He started “But she told me to watch you. How you treat her. Said you were a good example of how to treat a girl.”

At his admission, Carl saw Daryl blink and flinch slightly as if he’d been struck. It was obvious that he was quite surprised by such a thing being said by Jess and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked down into his lap and tried to figure out what that could mean.

“She said that?” He eventually asked. “How long ago?”

“Before you got shot.” He disclosed “Are you going to tell her I messed up and told you?”

“She ain’t gonna be mad, Carl.” He assured him.

The air left Carl’s lungs and he nodded solemnly at his inability to keep the secret that Jess had trusted him with. Although, he couldn’t understand why it was such a big secret in the first place if there was nothing but a friendship between her and Daryl. But her wish was her wish and he wondered if he would have to face her wrath or if Daryl was right. He seemed to know her better than anyone and if he said she wasn’t going to be angry, maybe she wouldn’t.

Daryl didn’t have much else to say on the matter, his thoughts were too consumed with what Jess had been saying to Carl. He knew she liked him, he’d heard it himself and being told that she thought him to be a good example for Carl and one to watch meant more to him than he could have imagined. Such a complimentary comment stirred a strange, fuzzy feeling in his chest and as much as he knew he should keep it to himself, the temptation to confront Jess about it was strong.

Jess was surprised she hadn’t worn the grass down due to her pacing back and forth for hours on end. From one target to another, from one training patch to another, back to the diner and then to the gate to check the woods for any arrivals. But there was nothing. Her body felt heavy with dread. She hated that Daryl had gone on what sounded to her a lot like a suicide mission and refused to let her have a say in the matter or go along with him as backup. The thought of losing him had not left her terrified mind for a single second and at one point, she found herself standing outside the gate, fully armed and ready to go and find him, until she realized that there was no way she could possibly figure out what part of the red zone he was in and Aaron would have preferred to endure her torturing him before he gave up Daryl’s location and sent her out into the same danger.

She must have checked the area outside the gate at least a hundred times and she was starting to hate the fact that she cared so much. Life was easier when she’d just met him and he was nothing more than an angry, sour-faced redneck who everybody steered clear of. But it had happened fast and if she was honest with herself, a piece of her heart became his when he threw a pack of pens at her from the top of the RV.

At dusk, a tuneful rapping on the metal frame of the gate had her springing from her seat at the bottom of the Ferris wheel and she darted across the long swaying grass in the orange glow of the evening with her heavy boots leaving crushed, green footprints. Although her mood had been that of a roller coaster all day and the prevailing feeling that kept simmering on the surface was anger, it vanished in a split second when she saw Daryl on the other side of the gate.

She didn’t open it right away, choosing instead to observe him through the honeycomb-like pattern of the metal fencing. He was holding something behind his back but Jess was concerned with one thing and one thing only.

“You’re alive.” She uttered.

“Yes, I am.” He rasped back with a hint of a smile.

Then. Once she’d heard his voice and was sure he wasn’t some kind of mirage or hallucination, she unlatched the gate and stepped aside. Daryl walked in keeping his eyes on hers and whatever was behind his back obscured from her view.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” She asked, irritated.

“Mmhmm.” He hummed with a small nod. It was apparent that she knew exactly what he’d been doing and therefore, he didn’t bother to question her. “Small group. One kid.”

“A kid, huh? Good. That’s…good.”

About to launch into a barrage of scolding sentences that would convey just how incensed she was that he’d gone off on his own into such dangerous territory, she was soon silenced by his next words.

“I um… brought ya somethin’.” He mumbled sheepishly.

The lines in her forehead dropped out when her face softened at the sight of his shyness. Daryl had given her things before. Small things like gum, candy and a sharpening stone for her knife. But this time appeared to be different. Never before had he shown such bashfulness at passing something onto her. She blinked in surprise when he drew his hands out from behind his back and held up a compound bow, complete with all the accessories she could need. It was sparkling, practically brand new and she thought of how great the timing was; her own bow was falling apart.

“For-for me?” She squeaked

“Yeah…” he grunted “…the group I picked up. Guy used to own an archery club. Had two of these. Handed me one as a thank you but I got the crossbow. So, now, it’s yours. I know your bow is gettin’ kinda old.”

He held the compound bow out, moving it closer to her and hoping that she would just take it so she would be looking at that instead of the nervousness that was written all over his face. He wasn’t sure whether to tell her that he’d lovingly cleaned every inch of it and had Carl wax the strings and as a result had geared himself up so much that the simple act of giving her a gift was now blown massively out of proportion in his mind.

Her fingers curled around the weapon and he didn’t realize, but he was soon mimicking her expression. A broad smile as she tested the bows weight and examined all of its different parts.

“Look at this thing. It’s amazing.” She chuckled. Stilling for a moment and catching his eye “you’re right, my bow needs to go into retirement. This is so cool.”

A short exhalation escaped him and he briefly looked down, soon peering up at her though his hair.

“Glad ya like it. Carl helped clean it up for ya” he told her. It was as if his heart was making the decision for him and his head wasn’t allowed a say.

“Really? Thank you so much.” She beamed.

He moved closer, wrapping his fingers around the bow and positioning himself at her side but further back.

“Here, lemme show ya how to use this thing. S’a little different to what ya used to.”

Gentle instructions in her ear told her to hold the bow up and her skin broke out into goose pimples when he threaded the arrow into place, covered hands with his and settled his head over her shoulder. He could smell her recently washed hair and feel the warmth of her body next to his.

He explained where to put her hands and that she needed good posture. The words were enough but Daryl wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to lightly position his hands on her back and shoulders and noticed when she held her breath. Even with her jacket and protective clothing on, a multi-layered barrier between them, she felt the electricity of his closeness spark through her veins. She turned her head slowly to meet his unsure but determined gaze and managed to release the breath she was holding in a jagged but controlled exhalation. For a second, she thought he might say something when his mouth opened slightly and his eyes seemed to flicker with a rapidly passing thought, but all he ended up doing was nodding at the target. She fired the weapon with a lot more ease than she’d expected, satisfied when the arrow landed in the circle framing the center target.

“Not bad” He offered.

“I’m just a natural at this.” She commented.

“Yeah. Right.”

Neither of them had moved but Daryl did drop his hands for fear of putting her off her shot. There were still mere inches separating them and Jess toyed with the idea of asking him about the kiss again and trying to establish exactly what his intentions were at that moment. It meant she could move on and forget about any possible potential between them, get over her disappointment and focus on being his friend. But he’d warned her off of mentioning it and had done so in a way that could not be mistaken. Then, he’d gone on to tell her that he wasn’t sorry, but what that meant also remained a mystery to her. Deciding to keep quiet on the subject and avoiding a possible argument or awkward situation, she braved a thin smile. Jess didn’t deal well with not knowing where she stood, but in that moment, stood that close to Daryl, she didn’t want to be anywhere else.

“This mean I’m a good example of how to treat a girl?” He shot at her from nowhere.

Dread crept into her bones and her eyes grew noticeably wider. Where could he have got that sentence from and why was he saying it to her so brazenly?!

“What?” she croaked.

His face broke out into a shy laugh and he took a step back, putting some more distance between them that did little to quell Jess’s feeling of suffocation when it dawned on her that Carl had blabbed when she specifically asked him not to.

Daryl shifted his weight from one leg to the other and she noticed a tint of pink across his cheeks. Saying nothing, she was more transfixed on how she was going to wriggle out of this situation with his dignity intact.

“You got the kid interrogatin’ me, Jess.” He smirked.

“What are you talking about?” She questioned, needing clarification and clarity on the situation.

“You know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. What ya said to Carl.… ‘bout me.” He confirmed.

Her heart sank and her hands grew sweaty as she clunked her new compound bow against her thigh. Her mind was swimming with ideas that would enable her to talk her way out of it but all of them were far fetched and ridiculous. Going with what seemed to be the most believable at the time, she adopted her best casual tone.

“I-I didn’t mean… I meant for him to uh… to watch you and Rick. Y’know. Men like you and Rick.” She explained with a nonchalant flick of her hand in his direction.

“That ain’t what he told me.” Daryl argued.

Jess turned away from him, shielding the incredulous and enraged expression that was quickly forming on her features.

“I’m going to strangle that kid” she muttered to herself. Doing a small double take at him, she noted how amused he appeared. Smiles were not one of Daryl’s trademarks, at least when it came to other people, but he was more likely to smile in Jess’s presence alone and that was something she’d been willing to take the credit for. His smiles were rarer than her own, usually stifled and when he did allow one to slip, it never failed to drag a lustful breath from her lungs. She loved to see him smile, there was no doubt about that, but in that moment, she wished she could drop down into a hole in the earth and be rid of yet another awkward situation that she really could have done without. “He’s love-struck and confused.” She said breezily.

“Only thing he’s confused about is why the girl doesn’t see him.” Daryl surmised.

“She does see him, just…as a friend right now.” She corrected

Just like you with me. Or not. I don’t know because you won’t talk to me about it.

“So, him watchin’ me is gonna do what exactly?” He continued to dig.

Her patience was wearing extremely thin and she was just about done with feeling nervous and clumsy all the time. There were so many unanswered questions in her head and she didn’t know why, but so many embarrassing outcomes had come hurtling towards her and she was reaching boiling point. Why was this happening to her? Why was everything so complicated and confusing and why the hell was Daryl so determined to watch her squirm?

“Daryl” she snapped in a warning for him to cease his line of questioning.

“What?!” He cried, holding his hands up with his lips still slightly curved.

Jess turned her back to him, swooped down to collect her old bow and quiver of arrows that she’d left on the floor and stomped off towards her home.

“I have shit to do. I have to go. Thank you for the bow.” She threw over her shoulder.

“Jess, c’mon.” She heard him plead from behind her.

“Let yourself out, I’ll lock the gate later.” She added.

“Alright” He huffed.

Inside the diner, Jess heaved in deep breaths after setting her bows and arrows down on the chair in the corner. In front of her was an upturned wooden box that doubled as a small table. The name of a local farm was written on the side of the box in black and it matched three others of varying size that she possessed. On top of the box were two, heavy mugs.

Not only did Jess have the aftermath of her attack to contend with, which meant her anxiety was heightened anyway, everything else was getting very complex and every move she made was starting to feel like it would snowball into something huge. She was scared to do or say anything wrong for fear of the inevitable humiliation that would no doubt arrive. But aside from that, she still harbored the unspeakable idea that Daryl could have failed to return after his solo mission into the Red Zone. It gnawed away at her so much that she’d been forced to sit with the reality of it for the entire day; she loved him and losing him would destroy her. He’d left without a word to her as if she didn’t matter. Jess was aware that she hardly ever mattered to the objects of her previous desires, but this one had kissed her and this one she had fallen for and this one was different, so different that he battled her nightmares and made her feel like it was a good thing to be who she was.

Exasperation began to elevate in her chest and she picked up one of the mugs, mindlessly throwing it against the far wall with such strength that she could have pulled a muscle in her arm. The ceramic object collided with the brick wall and exploded, sending shattered clumps of polished, white pieces all over the place. Even more annoyed by the mess, she found herself looking down at the second mug in her hand and automatically yelling curse words as she launched it at the same place on the wall as the first. More and more mess coated her bed, bookshelf and rug and she could only stare at the faint scuff on the brickwork while her temper calmed.

Outside the diner, Daryl leaned against the wall and smoked a cigarette to the concerning chorus of swear words that were filling the room beyond the wall. He had no idea how angry Jess was, that she was even capable of such a noisy fury or how she’d even arrived at that point but he did realize that his probing around what Carl had told him had been the fuel thrown on the proverbial fire. He was under no illusions by that point that Jess had indeed told Carl to watch him and use him as a good example, but he had no more plans to discuss it. The knowledge of her opinion of him alone was gratifying enough and he knew it would keep him awake in the best way when he closed his eyes and tried to sleep that night.

Inside, things had gone quiet by the time he’d finished his smoke and he decided that he’d better check in on her well-being. It was either face the angry woman in the diner or spend the whole night wondering if she was charging through the woods in the dark, chopping off the heads of Walkers and screaming curse words at the moon.

He knocked on the windowpane as he passed and headed to the door, where he found Jess standing in the doorway with one hand on the handle and her mouth open like a trapdoor.

“I thought you left. Why haven’t you left?” She asked with sheer disbelief.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse. He heard me.

“Heard smashin’. Wanted to make sure you were okay.” He told her.

“I just dropped a couple of cups.” She quickly informed him in the hope that he would turn and leave her alone. It wasn’t often that she wanted to be away from him, but her mood was so unpredictable after such a dreadful day, that she really felt the need to relinquish her desire to be with him for one night now that she knew he was alive and well.

“Right.” He nodded.

Her body language was speaking volumes to Daryl, even if her voice was not. She didn’t bother to invite him inside and eventually leaned against the door frame, sighing loudly as if his mere presence was irritating her.

“You mad at me for somethin’?” Daryl asked

She grit her teeth and exhaled quickly through her nose as she glared at him. It was written all over her face and Daryl wondered why he’d even bothered to ask. She was quite clearly mad at him.

“No” She spat. “Yes. I’m lying. Yes. I’m mad at you. I mean, really? Going into the red zone alone, Daryl? That was stupid. Fucking stupid. I would have gone with you.”

There it was. She wasn’t only mad because he’d questioned her about Carl. She was mad because he’d gone out alone and to somewhere out of bounds without giving her a say. He didn’t know when he started having to answer to her and check with her about things, but it didn’t phase him. In fact, he found it to be a good thing that she cared so much, he just wished he knew why.

“I was fine” He reasoned.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She demanded.

“I knew you’d give me a hard tim-”

“-You’re damn right I would have! Does it ever occur to you that something could happen to you?!”

“Not reall-”

“WELL IT DOES TO ME, DARYL!” She suddenly shouted at him, cutting him off again and jabbing herself in the chest with her index finger. “It does to me…you could have died.”

“But I didn’t.” He gently reminded her.

“That’s beside the point!” She raged “I gave up doing distance runs! Because you said you cared! I did that for you! Alexandria needs you. Your group needs you. You are needed, Daryl. You’re always worrying about me getting hurt but it works both ways! The Red Zone is red for a fucking reason! You’re not supposed to just run into the lion’s den without any backup. I mean, even Iron Man needed backup at one point!"

“Jess, I was fine.” He tried.

“But what if you weren’t? What if you got into trouble and needed help? You can’t just do that. You can’t. You say you care about me; then why don’t you give a crap that I care right back?! I was here the whole day worrying about you. You ruined my day. You asshole. Then you got me a bow and that was nice because you’re a good guy, y’know, it was sweet of you. But, no! you still ruined my day. There are people that care about you. Rick, Carol, Judith...me! You fucking idiot-”

He swooped down to her and crashed his lips to hers. It obliterated every thought. For the first time since their first kiss, Jess’s mind was firmly locked into the present. The worries of the day evaporated like rain on the hood of a car on a hot morning and she had no wish for the kiss to end. Drunk on endorphins, she sensed his tongue trace the crease of her lips, testing, teasing and asking for permission which she soon granted. His only desire was to touch her, to move his hands under her armored layers and feel her perfect softness. But self-restraint was one of his greatest skills and his hands remained holding either side of her face, thumbs stroking her jaw and cheeks in a messy yet deliciously craving and sexy caress. In moments the kiss had become firmer, he savored her lips and the quickening of her breath that matched his own. Jess could only hope that such a kiss was a promise of much more to come and it was a thought that scared and excited her all at once.

Reluctant to let his lips leave hers, he pulled back slowly, bit by bit and found that when he took his time, Jess reacted with a bravery that she hadn’t displayed before. He liked the way she clung tightly to his forearm with one hand and held the other one flat against his chest, over his heart. What he liked even more, was the way she tilted her head to him and went back for two more, shorter kisses, both of which he did not need to initiate but was more than happy to oblige.

Her lips were pink and shiny when she stepped back and took a deep breath to ground herself and settle her pounding heart. She swallowed hard and gingerly looked up at him. One of his hands had found its way into his pocket, while the other one fiddled mercilessly at his side and it was an indication that he was not as fearless about the whole thing as he was letting on.

“Are you…” Her voice was rough, as if it had been vanquished from her with a kiss. “… are you going to do that every time I talk too much?”

Daryl was wandering back up to the path, licking his lips and flashing her yet another breath-taking half smile as he looked back.

“It’s workin’, ain’t it?” he commented simply before finally turning his angel-winged back to her and making his way to the gate through the overgrown grass. “Lock the gate behind me”

--- tagging as requested ---

@lilred254 @woundmetender @lonewolf471

Want to start at the beginning? >> Masterlist

5 notes · View notes

aivaehdaevis · 4 years

Text

The More Things Change: Ch 5

The More Things Change

by Aivaeh

Disclaimer: Familiar characters, plot elements, and settings belong to L.J. Smith, Julie Plec, and the CW. The author of this work of fanfiction has made no money from it. Summary: I have no idea how it happened, but one morning I woke up in the world of The Vampire Diaries. Which, aside from the insanity of waking up inside a television show made real, might not be so bad—if I weren't stuck in the body of vampire magnet and doppelgänger herself, Elena Gilbert. Pairing(s): OFC x Damon, OFC x Stefan, OFC x Elijah, OFC x Klaus Rating: M Warning(s): Graphic descriptions of violence on par with the show itself. References to sex and drug use. Mind control and all the issues of consent that go along with it. Character death. Author's Note: I know there are a ton of these fics out there. Still I recently got into the show, and I can't get enough of these types of stories. The urge to write my own wouldn't leave me alone so here it is. Hopefully someone enjoys reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Master List External Links: AO3 | FF.Net | Wattpad

Chapter Five

I woke up in Elena's bed, drenched in sweat. The slanted ceiling occupied my blank stare for several minutes while I laid on my back. I was well and truly stuck. How?

There was no figuring it out. If the show were real, maybe this was some sort of parallel reality. Yes, because parallel realities—as opposed to just losing my mind—made perfect sense.

I covered my—or Elena's—face with my—or Elena's—hands and concentrated on breathing and not, you know, screaming. It took a while. The alarm clock went off.

Dragging myself out of the bed, I went on autopilot. Bathroom. Shower. Brush teeth. Get dressed. Makeup.

By the time I was finished putting Elena's hair up into a ponytail, I had a good hour before I'd have to leave for—ugh—high school. That gave me some time to snoop before anyone might expect me for breakfast. Not that Jeremy would care, but Jenna would probably notice if I skipped another meal.

I went to Elena's desk and pulled her laptop over. While her diary would probably tell me more about her, it felt wrong to dive into a teenage girl's private thoughts. Her search history was fair game, though.

What I found was that Elena spent a lot of time reading fashion blogs, following models and designers on their facebooks—when she wasn't looking over the hundred other pages of people she apparently knew—and browsing the online sites of high-end fashion stores. She also had a large collection of links to blogs by and for writers. A quick perusal of her drive revealed a folder full of original stories and poems. I didn't have time to read more than a few of the latter. While poetry really wasn't my thing, what I saw was pretty good.

She also had a bunch of pirated music and shows. Tsk tsk.

Shutting down the laptop, I sat back and thought. Far as fashion went, my knowledge was limited to reality game shows—and that was about it. I was going to have to be careful not to bring it up around Caroline or Bonnie, because I'd probably sound like an idiot. At least I had an idea of her taste in music and movies. We shared a love of Pop, which was good, though Elena had a more extensive collection of Indie rock. We liked a lot of the same movies and shows, too. Except she had a noticeable lack of horror in her collection which—was hilarious or sad, depending on how you looked at it, I supposed.

I had enough time for breakfast before I had to leave.

Jeremy's room was quiet as I walked by. I glanced at the door, at the sign warning others to stay out, and wondered if I should knock and see if he was awake. Elena probably would've.

But I wasn't Elena. I didn't know Jeremy beyond what I'd seen on television, and the kid was not coping with the death of his parents all that well. If such a thing could be said of any kid who'd lost their parents. He also probably knew his sister pretty damn well. I didn't want to risk saying or doing something wrong around him. Jeremy was clever. He'd put together the existence of vampires for himself. No need to go stirring up his curiosity if I didn't have to.

I decided to leave it to Jenna, his actual guardian.

Unfortunately, all there was of Jenna was a note on the fridge saying she'd had to leave early to work on research. I helped myself to some cereal and started a pot of coffee for Jeremy. Provided he ever woke up.

As the time crept closer to eight, and he still hadn't made an appearance, I muttered a quiet, "Dammit." After rinsing the bowel out in the sink, I made my way back upstairs and to Jeremy's door.

I knocked. "Jeremy?"

Nothing.

Blowing out a breath, I knocked harder. "Hey, Jeremy? It's getting kind of late."

"Go away."

Alrighty then.

I wandered back to Elena's room for her bag before going downstairs. I was about to head for the garage when I heard a car rumble up the driveway. Had Bonnie thought she still needed to pick me up?

Switching tracks, I went out the front door and into a neon-bright Virginia morning. This time, I locked the deadbolt behind me. Who knew what Jeremy was going to do? Shaking my head, I started down the porch.

Only to stop at the last step.

Damon. Seated behind the wheel of a top-down convertible. Lips already twisted into that ever-present smirk. He lowered his head until his eyes peeked over the rim of his sunglasses. "Morning Elena."

Leather creaked in my grip. Over my shoulder, the front door tempted me.

"C'mon. I'll give you a ride to school."

"I can drive myself." I'd never make it before he was in front of me. And he could get in.

His grin suggested that was the most amusing thing he'd ever heard. "Let me get this straight," he began before pulling off his sunglasses, "I am offering to take you to your little podunk high school in a classic american sports car, and you'd rather go in a—" he squinted, "Ford SUV."

Since there was no way to get away and I didn't want to keep shouting across the lawn, I walked from the sidewalk to the driveway. I stopped a good few feet from the car. "That's right."

Damon rolled his head back until it was resting against the leather headrest. "Hm." Icy eyes flickered down. "And where did that come from, I wonder?" he asked, staring at Elena's bag.

"Your brother," I bit off. "And he said he found it in the woods."

"Found it?" A side of his mouth crooked into a grin. "Good ol' Saint Stefan." He slung an arm across the passenger seat. "C'mon, Elena. Let me take you to school."

"No, Damon." I sucked down a breath and made for the garage.

And there Damon was, right in my personal space. "Wow. You didn't even take a moment to think about it." He leaned even closer, eyes big and intense. "That really hurts my feelings, Elena."

I gasped. Dry grass crunched as I stepped back. "Don't do that!"

"If you did what I asked, I wouldn't have to," Damon said, as if it were the most logical thing in the world.

"You don't ask, Damon. You demand."

"Fine," he said in the surliest tone imaginable. "Elena," his lips stretched into a shape that technically met all the requirements for a smile, but was too grudging to truly qualify, "will you please," he pressed his hands together, "let me drive you to school?"

I squeezed the bag's strap. "No."

Damon's breath blasted through his nose. "You have to make everything so much more difficult than it needs to be, don't you?"

"I didn't ask you to come over."

"That's what makes it a surprise." His brows shot up. "Surprise!"

Lips mashed into a thin line, I glared.

"Fine. We'll do it the easier way." Ducking his head, Damon stare bored straight into mine, until I could make out the fine flecks of silver growing around his iris like frost crystals. His pupils contracted to points. "You want to ride with me to school."

Was he trying to compel me? "No, I don't."

He went still as night, pinning me beneath narrowed eyes. "You don't," he murmured.

The gentleness of his voice made the fine hair on my arms and neck stand on end. "No."

Damon's hand flew to his mouth, fingers rubbing across his lips as he stared. "Hm." His eyes were fever bright, like two chips of ice reflecting the winter sun. "Alright." His hand fell away. "We'll do it the hard way."

"What do you mean—"

"The blonde. Caroline, isn't it?" He smiled, and this time, it was closer to genuine. "She's cute."

My guts twisted.

"Mm. Yeah." Closing his eyes, Damon stretched his neck to the side. "I bet she'd like to take a ride with me." Eyes meeting mine again, he folded his arms and pursed his lips for a moment before wondering, "Or your other little friend. Bonnie." Damon's black shirt stretched as he shrugged his shoulders. "Personally, I could go either way."

Static filled my ears. Heart speeding up, my chest turned to ice that spread outwards all the way to the tips of my fingers. I didn't know what Damon had planned for Elena—for me—but I was pretty sure he'd do worse to Caroline or Bonnie. I knew what I needed to do, but it was hard. My knees trembled. I had to move, but every instinct in me screamed to stay. I was pulled in two directions, unable to move in either. I stood still and hated myself.

"Just tell me what you want from me, Damon," I asked—pleaded—quietly.

"I already have. This is not a difficult concept, Elena." His smile was all teeth. "I want you to get into the car so that I can take you to your boring little high school. And when you're finished, I want you to get back into my car, so I can take you home."

"Why?"

Damon shrugged again. "Because I want to."

It couldn't be that simple. Damon had to have some ulterior motive. I just couldn't figure out what it was. Unless toying with me was that fun to him. "You swear that's all."

"Mhm." He lifted his hand, two fingers up and the rest curled down. "Scouts honor." His grin returned with a vengeance. "You can do that if you eat one, right? It still counts?" At my horrified expression, he rolled his eyes. "Oh, ease up, Elena. Just a little vampire humor."

"Eating people. Hilarious."

"You'd be surprised. I'll tell you some stories sometime."

"Please don't."

"Spoilsport." He plucked his sunglasses from his collar and slid them on. "So, c'mon now. Wouldn't want to be late." His brows drifted up. "Unless you actually don't like your friends and won't mind if I eat one of them." His grin took on a sardonic twist. "And I'm not joking this time, bee tee dubs."

I sucked down a deep breath and managed to slide a foot towards the car. The second step was easier. The one after that even moreso, as if the momentum was building once I got going. So it went, until I had made it all the way to the passenger side of the convertible.

Damon appeared in front of me again, making me jump. He ignored my startled breath, opening the door for me. Peering over the rims of his sunglasses, he wiggled his brows. "Miss Gilbert."

If my heart kept jumping whenever he got near, I was going to have a heart attack before the day was out. I slid inside and let him shut the door. He appeared at the other side of the car. Sitting inside and pulling his door closed, Damon looked over and said, "Seat belt."

I pulled the strap out and buckled in, trying not to feel as if I were wrapping a chain around myself.

Damon grinned and started the engine. "Now this, Elena," he started before the engine suddenly roared, startling me into gripping the edge of the door, "is a nineteen sixty-nine Chevrolet Camaro." He shifted the car into reverse and backed out of the driveway. "Try not to look so terrified." He threw the car into drive and took off down the street. Even though we were just cruising down neighborhood streets and not going very fast, the wind still picked up. I was glad I'd tied Elena's long hair back into a ponytail.

"Can't imagine why I'd be scared. Who wouldn't love a joy ride with a psychotic vampire."

"This isn't a joy ride. You'll know when I take you on one of those."

I noticed he didn't dispute the psychotic part. And I didn't like his use of when instead of if. I hoped he was talking about the trip to Georgia he drags Elena on later.

He didn't have a modern stereo in his dashboard. Instead, it looked like the original radio that came with the car. It was tuned to the classic rock station. I was somehow unsurprised that Damon liked eighties hair bands. I tried to picture him with a mullet and nearly broke into peels of nervous laughter.

"Cute turtleneck." The high collar of my shirt pulled slightly out, right where I'd put a pair of band aids over the puncture wounds.

My heart rabbited. I jerked aside, slapping his fingers away before I could think better of it. "Don't touch me."

He smirked as he took his hand back, holding it up.

My heartrate stayed elevated. I leaned slightly towards the door instead of settling back into the leather seat. As the neighborhood houses morphed into brick storefronts, I wondered what the point of this was. Damon wasn't talking. He seemed content to just soak up the sun as he navigated the streets.

I wasn't about to break the silence. Who knew what he'd start talking about. One of his 'funny' stories?

I let out a relieved sigh as soon as the school appeared. Not that I thought Damon was taking me somewhere to murder me, really. He wouldn't have needed to leave the house for that. But it was still reassuring to know the ride was almost over.

The camaro purred like a sated tiger as it glided into the parking lot and rolled up the lane. Damon, arm slung over my seat and sunglasses on his face, soaked up the stares of the students like an attention starved sponge. I hugged my bag tighter. "See," he said as he pulled near the curb, "that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Yeah. It's been great." I had my hand on the door handle as soon as the camaro rolled to a stop. "Bye."

His hand landed on my shoulder, a firm warning grip keeping me in place. Suddenly he was leaning into me, his face right next to mine. I stared, wide eyed, as his breath stroked my lips. He stayed like that for a moment and then, ever so slightly, tilted his head to the side and stared over the rim of his sunglasses at something behind me.

"Have a lovely day, Elena," he murmured into my ear. Straightening back into his seat, he winked.

As soon as his hand let go of my shoulder, I was shoving the door open and jumping out.

"I'll see you after school," he added as I shut the door. My answering glare bounced off his smirking face.

Head down, I quickstepped away. I was up onto the sidewalk when I heard the convertible's engine growl as he pulled away. Sighing in relief, I lifted my chin.

And immediately saw Stefan.

Jaw clenched, backpack strap straining in his white-knuckled fist, he glared at the shrinking camaro.

Damon had been taunting Stefan. Damon had threatened Caroline and Bonnie, manipulated me into getting into a car with him, so he could put on a show for his brother.

Bastard.

My anger started as a smoldering heat in the pit of my stomach, climbed up my spine and set my cheeks on fire. Flushed and quivering, I struggled against the childish urge to kick at something, shout at someone. Mostly a certain smug-faced blood sucker.

While I silently fumed, I realized that while Stefan may have been Damon's intended audience, he hadn't been the only one. Half the school must have noticed—or so it looked like from the crowd of teenagers who had nothing better to do than stand around and gossip.

Including Elena's friends. I could see Tyler and Vicki over on a nearby bench, watching me and trading words that made each other snicker. Matt was frowning from his spot beside his truck. Caroline had been holding court by the doors but was now marching across the grounds towards me. Bonnie, who'd also been arriving from the parking lot, was the first to reach me. "Who was that."

"Trust me, you don't want to know."

Surprised, Bonnie fell in next to me as I headed for Stefan. "No, pretty sure I do."

I realized she wasn't going to let this drop. Why would she? Her best friend had just arrived with a hot mystery guy in an expensive sports car. "Damon Salvatore. Stefan's older brother."

"That's Stefan's brother?" She shook her head. "Wow. The gorgeous gene must run in the family."

"Yeah, well. He's nothing like Stefan. He's arrogant. Selfish. Cruel."

Bonnie's eyes widened with each cutting, nearly-spat out description. "Then how'd you end up with him?"

I didn't know what to say. Bonnie didn't believe her grandmother yet. At the same time, she'd have to work with Damon—would even one day become best friends with him. Say the wrong thing, and I'd poison the well.

On the other hand, Damon had threatened her, and she wasn't able to defend herself yet.

"Because he's good at getting what he wants," I sighed. "Try to steer clear of him, Bonnie. He and Stefan have issues. And he's not beneath using people. You don't want to get into the middle of it."

"But you're in the middle?"

"Apparently."

Caroline had reached us. I could see the questions forming as she took a breath to speak. "I thought you weren't going to need any more rides."

"So did I," I muttered.

Hands on her hips, Caroline ordered, "Spill."

"His name's Damon. He's Stefan's older brother," Bonnie answered for me. "And he's a jerk who we should stay away from."

She gave a disbelieving huff. "We should, should we?"

Oh no. "Caroline, he's bad news."

"Then why are you riding around with him?" Caroline demanded.

"Because he's using me to get to Stefan."

Caroline's lips mashed together before she said, "That doesn't explain why you got into his car." She turned suspicious. "Unless you're trying to make Stefan jealous?"

"I'm not," I said flatly. "There's nothing to be jealous of. Besides, Stefan and I are friends."

"Friends."

"I mean, we just met, but I'd like to be. I think we are. He agreed to hang out."

Caroline stared. "I don't even know where to begin," she declared, throwing her hands out to the side. She strode back to the small gathering of girls she'd been talking with.

Frowning, Bonnie and I shared a look. "She'll get over it," Bonnie soothed.

I grimaced and rubbed at my forehead. "I'm messing everything up."

"No. Care's being Care."

"I better explain things to Stefan," I muttered.

"Okay. Meet you at my locker?"

I nodded. Bonnie headed off to the doors, parting with an encouraging grin. I couldn't wait till she could give Damon aneurysms. It would make dealing with him so much easier. At least until he got over his fixation with Katherine and started giving a damn about Mystic Falls.

Stefan was seated on top of a picnic table that had been set up beneath a giant maple. Patches of sunlight and shadow flitted around him like butterflies. He'd had his head down in thought but straightened up as he noticed my approach.

His stare was searching, wandering all over my face. "Are you alright?"

It was on the tip of my tongue to say no, but then what? Stefan would try to enact his, 'Lock Damon Up,' plan early? All that would accomplish was getting Zach killed sooner than it had happened on the show. I don't think Zach had even shown him the room of vervain yet.

But Damon was a problem. Something had to be done.

I settled on saying, "Your brother is an ass."

Stefan cracked a slender little smile. It was the barest lift of his lips, but it eased some of the lingering anger from his face. "Yeah. Sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Brows furrowed, Stefan glanced down. I remembered he did, in fact, blame himself for Damon. "But you're okay?"

"Aside from a bad case of windswept hair," I patted at the loose hairs that had fallen out of my ponytail, "I'm fine."

"Your hair looks lovely."

Fighting the urge to look away from the intensity of his stare, I swept a few of the strands behind my ears. "Well. It was a lot neater before Damon insisted on driving me."

That little smile ticked a bit higher. "I stand by my earlier comment."

Grabbing my upper arm, I turned to side to look at something other than his earnest, handsome face. I settled on the line of buses dropping students off.

"I looked for your phone this morning." Stefan said, drawing me back. "I'm sorry but I couldn't find it."

"Oh." I adjusted the bag's strap before letting my hand fall. "It's alright. Thank you for going to all the trouble."

He shook his head. "It wasn't."

"I guess I'll have to talk to my Aunt about getting a new one." That would be a fun conversation.

He nodded. I noticed the crowd of students around us were starting to thin out as more trickled inside. "I better go. I promised to meet Bonnie before class."

Stefan hopped off the table. "My locker isn't too far from yours. Mind if I walk with you?"

"'Course not."

As we walked, we talked about the reading list for our upcoming English class. We had both read everything on it, not that the news surprised me. He'd probably read most of it when it was originally published. Stefan and I went our separate ways once I met up with Bonnie, and after we headed towards my locker, went on to class.

The rest of the morning passed a lot like the first. Well, there was more discussion and lecturing. I knew the way to English and was able to find a better seat—which happened to be near Stefan and Caroline. A pop quiz in Biology really made me regret not doing the homework the night before.

Which led to History before lunch. Stefan again sat fairly close, and it wasn't long through the lesson that I was glad for it. The instructor was really on a tear about a Civil War battle called the Battle of Willow Creek.

After he'd subtly insulted Bonnie and Matt, it was my turn. "Elena. Surely you can enlighten us about one of the town's most historic events?"

I glanced down at the textbook, flipping through a few pages, skimming for Willow Creek. Would this even have been in the reading? I thought it was a general American History course. Was the Battle of Willow Creek so pivotal that it'd be in a standard textbook?

"Willow Creek?" I asked, squinting.

"Yes, Elena. It was fought right here in Mystic Falls."

Oh. Well then it must've been bullshit, because Mystic Falls wasn't a real place. Annoyed, I pressed my lips together before admitting, "I don't know."

"I was lenient last year, Elena. For obvious reasons." Oh. Wow. Right. This guy. "But that ended over summer break."

I wanted to ask if it was because her—my—parents magically came back to life, but I kept my mouth shut. Let the asshole dig his own grave.

Wait. Damon kills him. Bad metaphor.

"There were three hundred and forty-six casualties, unless you're counting civilians," Stefan interjected. And Stefan would know.

The whole class looked from him to the teacher. "That's correct. Mister—"

"Salvatore."

"Any relation to the original settlers here at Mystic Falls?"

I couldn't help but turn to watch Stefan, careful to keep my amusement from showing. He glanced aside before answering, "Distant."

Liar.

"Very good. Except there weren't any civilian casualties in this battle," he said before moving around his desk.

"Actually, there were twenty-seven, sir," Stefan corrected, halting the teacher in his tracks. "Confederate soldiers fired on a church. They believed it housed weapons. They were wrong." Stefan's voice was the embodiment of confident. No wonder. That was the night he was turned, and the other vampires entombed. "It was a night of great loss."

And then Stefan delivered the knockout. "The founder's archives are stored at Civil Hall if you'd like to brush up on your facts, Mister Tanner."

You could hear the 'ooo's throughout the room. The teacher, Tanner, could only respond with an attempt at a face-saving smile. Didn't work.

I glanced at my notes, grinning. That was beautiful.

Tanner flipped open his book. "Thank you, Mister Salvatore. Everyone, page thirty-three."

I flipped forward the required pages before peering out the corner of my eye. Stefan met my glance. His mouth lifted into that small smile I was really beginning to adore.

The rest of the class was filled with history that was actually covered by our textbooks. I made a mental note to memorize dates and figures. It seemed like he'd be one of those history teachers. I was good at the cause and effect when it came to history, remembering the context and environment and the events themselves, but I hadn't been wholly lying when I told Stefan I was terrible with numbers. I was horrible at remembering dates, too.

Wouldn't that make the rest of my time here fun. Monsters and sacrifices and homework. Oh my.

When the bell rung, I was happy to stand and get out of there. I waited just outside the door for Bonnie and Stefan. I didn't miss the look Tanner threw him as he walked out, either. Stefan had not endeared himself with that little stunt.

I remembered there would be another incident between them. Stefan rattling off dates, showing Tanner up again. Tanner wouldn't be a Stefan convert until he saw him play football.

And then Tanner would die.

My buoyed mood fell. If I knew about it ahead of time, did that make me responsible for it if it happened? This seemed like one of those Good Samaritan debates.

"Right, Elena?"

Bonnie and Stefan watched me with expectant looks on their faces. I had no idea what they'd been talking about.

I offered an apologetic smile. "Sorry, can you repeat that? I kind of spaced out for a minute."

Bonnie's brows pinched together in concern. "I was telling Stefan he should join us for lunch."

"I don't want to intrude."

I wondered if he was being polite or looking for an excuse to go hunting. I decided to reassure him. "You wouldn't be intruding. But if you have other plans, that's fine."

"No." He shifted his bookbag higher up his shoulder. "I'd like to sit with you."

We headed to the cafeteria, picked our food up from the line and ended up at the same table with the same people as the day before, plus Stefan. Caroline made the mistake of asking Stefan about his brother.

"We don't speak." Stefan poked at his salisbury steak. I wondered if he regretted his choice to follow us.

"Ever?" Bonnie asked, surprised.

Stefan paused in his inspection of the food to look up and add, "Whenever we have to talk, we end up fighting." He accepted the packet of ketchup I handed to him and looked to Caroline. "Wherever my brother goes, someone ends up hurt. Take my advice and avoid him."

"Elena doesn't seem eager to take your advice," Caroline said.

"You should," he said quietly to me.

I folded my arms and stared down at the rest of my lunch, appetite gone.

Sensing the disquiet, Bonnie thankfully changed the subject back to classes. Which was how Stefan and I got back to our earlier conversation about books we'd read. That led to a discussion of our favorites. And while Elena was a Victorian romance lover, at least on the show she'd been, my tastes were more for modern historical romances and thrillers. Stefan and I got into a discussion of which was the better book: Red Dragon or Silence of the Lambs. I was firmly on the side of Red Dragon, he stuck with Lambs.

The rest of the day passed too soon. By the time the last bell rang, and I was done dragging my feet to my locker, it felt like only a few minutes had passed instead of hours.

Outside, the parking lot was filled with cars backing out and lining up for the exits. I scanned the front of the school, where a line of cars had parked along the curb in front of the entrance. Damon's car wasn't among them. I wondered if he'd forgotten.

I should have known better.

The distinctive growl of the camaro's engine came rumbling down the lane. He parked alongside the curb. The car's sleek sky blue lines gleamed in the sun. Damon's arm was draped over the wheel, his sunglasses tilted down as he met my nervous gaze. His lips curled.

I managed a tight smile at Bonnie. "See you tonight."

Bonnie, shielding her eyes against the sunshine, smiled back.

"Elena." Stefan placed a hand on my arm. "You don't have to do this."

But right as he said that, Caroline strutted past us and walked right up to the passenger door. "Hi. I'm Caroline. Elena's friend."

Damon tilted his head, sights roaming over Caroline. "Damon."

"This is a really amazing car," she said while leaning forward, forearms resting on the door.

"Why, thank you. It's nice to know there are people who appreciate her." His hand ran along the wheel with a lover's caress.

I rolled my eyes. I appreciated the car. It was the driver I had a problem with.

While Caroline continued to flirt, and Damon replied in kind, I met Stefan's concerned stare. "I kind of do." I mustered another smile for him. "See you at the Falls."

He nodded. I adjusted my bag's strap and, as if going into battle—which I kind of was—marched over to Damon's car.

Caroline was laughing at something Damon had said as I approached. Damon's sights flicked over her shoulder to me. He winked. I frowned.

"I like your friend, Elena," Damon called.

I fixed him with another unamused look before shifting my attention to Caroline. She straightened back up, smile stiffening as she regarded me. "So where are you going?"

"Home," Damon and I answered simultaneously.

I started, looking over at Damon. He turned his head to stare out the windshield. "I did say I'd take you home."

"Sounds boring," Caroline pouted.

Damon rolled back around. "So boring."

"You should come to the falls tonight," Caroline went on.

My eyes widened as I attempted to get her attention. "No way." At their combined stares, I forced my cheeks to pull the corners of my mouth up into something resembling a smile. "I'm sure Damon doesn't want to waste his time at some high school party," I tried to keep it light, but ended up sounding frantic.

"Don't be silly, Elena." His lips twisted. "I love high school parties." He focused on Caroline again. "You'll be there, won't you?"

"Obviously," she laughed. "I'm helping set everything up."

Of course she was.

"Then I'll definitely be there." His smile was a wicked thing. His sights shifted to me. "Better get going."

"Aw. So soon?" Caroline pouted.

Damon sighed. "'Fraid so. Elena made me promise. There and back." He crooked a finger at me.

My frown deepened, but I did as he bid. Sliding around Caroline, who glowed with triumph, I pulled open the car door and lowered myself into the leather seat.

As soon as the door was shut, Damon sent a sinful grin Caroline's way. "See you around, Caroline."

"I'll hold you to that," she replied, flicking her blonde curls back behind her shoulder.

Damon's grin widened before the engine growled and the car took off.

"You said you'd leave her alone if I rode with you," I accused as he swung into one of the parking lanes that headed back out of the lot.

"I didn't do anything. She came to me." Damon sighed. "These looks. They're a curse."

Sonofa—

"But don't let it be said I'm not a man of my word." I eyed him doubtfully. He lifted a hand. "I won't touch a blonde hair on her head. So long as you remain—" he pretended to think about it, "agreeable."

"Fine," I all but growled.

Damon turned out of the lot and onto the main road without signaling. "Jealous?"

"Concerned." I fell back against the seat and folded my arms. "Caroline doesn't deserve to be the rope in the Salvatore brothers' latest game of tug-of-war."

"There's a simple solution to that. Don't give my brother the time of day."

I'd rather not give him the time of day but had enough sense not to say it. "Why do you really want to go to a party full of drunk teenagers, Damon?"

"Because it's a party full of drunk teenagers." His eyes sharpened, like a pair of slate flints. "And I'm thirsty."

I swallowed and slid further down in the seat. "Please don't hurt anyone."

He hummed. "Hurting is kind of necessary."

"No, it's not. You could drink out of blood bags."

"And deny them to the poor soul who needs a blood transfusion?" His nose wrinkled. "Besides, blood tastes differently when it's been refrigerated."

"But you could do it."

He sighed. "I could. But why should I?"

"Because it's not right to attack people." I couldn't believe I had to spell this out.

Damon shrugged. "Don't care." He stretched his other arm out over the wheel before drawing his right back. "That's the best part about being a vampire, Elena. The old rules just don't apply anymore. Do what you want, whenever you want."

"And you want to hurt people."

"I want to quench my thirst." He glanced over. "I'm a vampire. I drink human blood to survive. It's natural."

"But you can do that without hurting or killing."

"But I don't care."

I thought for a moment, weighing the risk. But, hell, I had to push on his rusty moral compass at some point. "I don't think that's true."

Behind his shades, Damon rolled his eyes.

"I think you do care. You're just determined to pretend you don't."

"There's a switch we have. We can turn our emotions off like," he lifted his hand and snapped his fingers, "that."

But I remembered the look on Damon's face when he'd finished feeding. How tender his gaze had been, his expression wistful as he lost himself to a memory. "Except you haven't."

"'Course I have."

"If that were true, you wouldn't care about what your brother thinks so much."

"We all have our hobbies."

"Say whatever you want, Damon." The car turned into Elena's driveway and idled. Damon lounged in the driver's seat, an arm stretched over the wheel as the other rested across his door. I took in the way his posture screamed indifference and saw it for the act it was. "But you don't fool me."

"Or maybe you want to believe I'm capable of caring whether people live or die to convince yourself I won't kill you," Damon suggested airily.

I forced myself to smile, even though he probably heard my pulse racing. "You say the sweetest things."

He turned his head and grinned. "See you tonight, Elena."

I worked to stay calm as I got out. His stare followed me all the way to the door. As soon as I was on the other side, I fell against it, sliding down to the ground, bag dropping beside me. He pulled out of the drive, and only once the rumble of his car disappeared down the street was I able to breathe freely.

Sinking my head into my hands, I wondered what I was going to do tonight. Both Salvatores at a party full of rowdy, drunk teens. Damon still trying to make life hell for Stefan.

It sounded like a recipe for disaster.

#fanfic #the vampire diaries #tvd #damon salvatore #stefan salvatore #the more things change #ofc #damon x ofc #stefan x ofc #elijah x ofc #klaus x ofc #klaus #elijah mikaelson #elena gilbert #bonnie bennett #caroline forbes #jeremy gilbert

3 notes · View notes

fyrapartnersearch · 4 years

Text

original, percy jackson, pokemon, avatar, skyrim, fallout ;

I’m AJ! I lost a couple partners in the holiday craze, which is totally fine! Now I’m lookin’ for some RPs to head into the new year. If we had something lined up and things fell off the wagon, no sweat, just message me again and we can get the ball rolling again! :)

For original settings: apocalyptic (zombie, disease, extinction event, whatever), supernatural (fantasy, urban, sci-fi, literally anything). For fandom universes: Percy Jackson, Pokemon, Avatar: The Last Airbender/Legend of Korra, Skyrim, and Fallout.

Gonna run through my basic info and then onto the particulars. 💕

⥽ About Me ; ⥼

• Name/Age ; AJ! 22! Finally!

• Timezone ; CST! I don’t mind time differences, this is just so you know my general schedule.

• Length ; Depends on whether it’s novella or multi-paragraph. If m.para, around 3-5 minimum I guess? Novella would obviously be much longer.

• Reply rate ; Varies depending on whether we’re doing multi-paragraph or novella. I can respond anywhere from every day to every other day or a few times a week to weekly depending on the writing style of the RP and my schedule.

• OOC ; I like getting to know my partners and sharing enthusiasm over our ideas and characters. Nothing hits quite like mutual investment! I like making playlists/pinboards/sending you videos or songs or memes that remind me of our characters!

• Contact ; Strictly email for OOC and roleplay unless we’re using GDocs for the RP itself. You can find me at [email protected].

⥽ On the lookout for ; ⥼

• Doubling ; Not a deal-breaker!! I just prefer writing a cast of characters, so this is something that’s more of a bonus. Ideally we’ll double, but I’m down for writing just one character each. Let me know how ya feel about it!

• Will only write MxM or FxF ; MxF’s not my cup of tea (I’m extremely picky with it, fellow gays u know how it is). If we’re writing a cast of characters then I’m fine with having an MxF side couple. And I STRICTLY write OCxOC! Canon characters won't be found anywhere near this stuff, folks!

• 20+ ; Partner’s gotta be 20+ even if we don’t write anything explicitly adult! I’m outta my teens now and don’t have any interest in writing with them. Same goes for characters. It’s a 20+ zone for both partners and characters ‘round here, folks!

⥽ Yes! ; ⥼

• Smut ; I enjoy writing it, but it’s not a deal-breaker if you’d rather fade to black. All characters will obviously be adults. I expect versatile characters in bed by default, that way we’ve got an even route for playing roles in bed. Admittedly this shifts a bit depending on the character I write but for the most part, yeah, I stick to verses.

• Face claims ; Spent a huge chunk of my roleplaying years on tumblr (it was very over-the-top and flowery and weirdly formatted and grossly difficult to read, I know I know), so having a face for characters stuck with me. If you don’t have any of your own and want good resources to find a face, I’ve got some recommended sites I can throw at ya! Not a deal-breaker, though, and for certain fandoms (Pokemon, Avatar) I actually prefer not to use realistic face claims so we can just opt outta that when writing in these universes.

• Depth & growth ; Not a fan of one-dimensional characters or characters who act the same from beginning to end! People change with experiences and the people around them, so this is to be expected. ESPECIALLY when doubling with a cast. I loooove complicated characters growing together.

• Plotting & Worldbuilding ; *For original settings/worlds! I’m not picky with this if we’re working with a canon setting, so if that’s what you’re looking for, we can skip this section. I run into loooads of folks who say they do this when they really don’t. We’re writing an entire world together, so there’s some degree of effort involved! I need specifics to use as a start-off point for the roleplay and a general outline for where the story’s going. RPs that are just random, spur of the moment with writing as we go on tend to burn out REALLY quickly for me. I know not a lot of people are into this, so I’m sorry about that.

⥽ No! ; ⥼

• Single paragraphs ; I’m not too picky with a lot of length a lot of the time, I just don’t mesh well with people who don’t write more than that. Go ham. I like my responses meaty!

• Limits ; Abuse, nonconsensual/sexual assault, pedophilia, incest (includes step-relations, adopted relations, and that figurative like if one character essentially raised another or they were raised as family), weird age gaps, BDSM, any kind of master/slave or dom/sub dynamics.

As for the goods, I’ve laid ‘em all out for you here! Keep in mind that while all of these are fun on their own, I’m definitely the type of writer who’s into mixing and matching. Sci-fi apocalypse? Fantasy apocalypse? Fantasy supernatural stuff? Sci-fi fantasy? Sci-fi supernatural stuff? Supernatural apocalypse? Period settings? Literally whatever you could think of, I’ll give it a whirl. The particulars down below are just to get the ball rolling and catch some interest, some asterisks for current cravings but I’m soooooo honest when I say that I’d love to write anything down below and won’t shoot you down if you come at me with stuff. Hit me up with whatever you’d like!

APOCALYPSE: My bread and butter! Bro. I’m all about the tense, harrowing, and especially gut-punching when it comes to how close people become to survive together in quiet moments of a world they used to know. I’m a big fan of zombies, so that’s my loose preference. I loved Black Summer on Netflix – the earlier episodes, at least, as well as The Last of Us. That’s the kind of vibe I favor with zombies/zombie-like creatures. But, ofc, an apocalypse can be anything! I love writing different takes on the genre since there’s so much to cover. Extinction event, pandemic, impact event, monsters/beasts, man-made, whatever. The more creative the apocalyptic setting, the better, so I’d love to bounce some ideas back and forth. Not too into a nuclear apocalypse setting, since that overlaps a lot with Fallout down below. I’ve also had some ideas of a futuristic/sci-fi apocalypse that I’d love to tell you all about if you’re interested!

FANTASY***: High fantasy, low fantasy, medieval fantasy, urban fantasy, whatever. Love dragons, love magic, love weird fantasy flora, definitely love the classic prince/princess x knight or commoner schtick. You want prophecies? I’m game. You want elves? I’m game. You want steampunk? I’m game. You want none of that and wanna do something else? I’m game, baby. The possibilities are endless. I’ve had two particular ideas floatin’ around in my noggin lately: an apocalyptic-fantasy that takes place in a medieval fantasy realm wherein an ancient curse/plague erupts across the land with horrifying zombie-esque symptoms (obv with more fantasy elements than just that) that involves a quest to try and awaken a god or two OR some magic journey to the heart of it all and out and end to it, and a modern fantasy involving a run-down summer camp secluded deep in the woods. Two new counselors (our characters) start working there over the summer and things slowly unravel from there, either with faerie stuff involving replacing campers/staff (definitely aiming for the freaky horror faeries as opposed to like, beautiful or only slightly unnerving faeries) or the camp being run by a secret cult that sacrifices campers/staff.

SUPERNATURAL/PARANORMAL***: Vampires and werewolves and demons, oh my! Can’t go wrong with horror, especially can’t go wrong with comedy-horror. I’m more of the type to prefer humans and supernatural beings together in a ragtag duo type of way as opposed to two supernatural beings, but anything’s cool in my book. Medieval/fantasy setting for a dark fairytale vibe, urban/modern supernatural beings slinking in the shadows outside of the human eye, supernatural sci-fi stuff, mysteries and danger lurking around every corner? Seriously, it’s a great genre! Any and everything is fantastic. I’ve got a loose concept of demons/the Underworld I’d like to get into revolving around a human accidentally summoning a demon or making a really poor deal with a demon and the eventual threat of the opposite effect (humans who work with angels/angels who clean up demonic stuff) since I’m struggling with the worldbuilding of it, so applying all that to a roleplay to give it a whirl sounds like a great way to work out the kinks. Plus, c’mon. Paranormal romance. End of the world. Flipping the script on angels and demons with the demons being “good” and the angels being “bad” but really there’s more nuance to that since they’re two sides of the same coin. What’s not to love there? I’m a sucker for human/demon relationships and/or human/angel relationships, what can I say!

PERCY JACKSON*****: I haven’t ever roleplaying this verse before, so this is completely new grounds for me. I’ve seen some fun takes on it, though! Scoured older ads but haven’t reached out to anyone because the posting time’s pretty old, but a couple ideas I’ve skimmed through sound fun. HP got a period take on it, so why not put that spin on PJ with a period setting rather than in modern times? Or just a regular modern setting. Y’know, keep it classy, keep it sexy, keep it fun! I’m definitely interested in life outside of camp since they’d all be adults. Life’s supposed to suck for demigods, so let’s get into that. I’ve only read the first series but I’m game to read more or look over the Wikipedia if it suits your fancy! I’m REALLY looking for a PJ RP, seriously, message me.

POKEMON: Man, I just… miss Pokemon, dude, what else can I say? :( I miss fun adventures and goofy scenarios and taking a more serious or realistic route with threats. I’ve got a couple of ideas from heists to evil Elite Four members to Poke-Jurassic Park, but I’d love to hear anything you’ve got in mind!

AVATAR*****: Alright, not gonna beat around the bush, I had a killer post-Korra RP setting like a year ago that died off early on and now I’m kinda itching to put it back into action! Basically this whole thing just revolves around our own Avatar and world/conflicts. Something before Aang could be fun too? Or a couple Avatars past Korra? There’s so many routes we could take this! And so many things we could bring in! I had an Avatar marathon with my brother this weekend and I just miss this universe. I’ve never actually managed to RP it before, so I wanna remedy that!

FALLOUT***: Played 3, watched various playthroughs of New Vegas, 4, and working on 1+2! I’m a recent fan and I’ve fallen head over heels for it! I’ve got ten prepped OCs for this universe so feel free to take your pic once we get into contact! :D I think it could be fun if we make our own setting for this, but I’m so down for piggybacking off canon settings. I love the Mojave in particular, but everything’s cool in my book. I’ve also got a couple plot ideas, so I can tell you all about ‘em when we get into things!

SKYRIM***: Well I’m a new Fallout fan so it should come to NO surprise that I’m new to Skyrim too. I recently got into it after someone recommended it to me and I’m having a blast playing the game on the Switch! I don’t have any particular ideas but I’d love to dip into the water here and see what comes of it. I’ve got a couple character ideas already so if I manage to rope anyone into this universe I’ll be one happy camper.

#multiple paragraph #long term #email #pokemon rp #smut rp #submission

2 notes · View notes

kae-karo · 5 years

Note

Can you do an analysis on the last dan vs phil video?

hell yeah i can in the beginning…

nerds nerds nerds ‘in the beginning…..there was a tree…..’ cue phil’s lil laugh smh cowards release the footage of y’all recording this bit i would Die for it i wanna see y’all being cute-ass dorks together thanks

dan’s voice cracking tone when he’s trying to stop phil

‘n they didn’t tell anybody’ dumbasses u told three million people smh

the fucking dvp montage god this whole intro is just a testament to what dorks they are

‘emotional stability’ what the Fuck

we’re the only ones fighting for emotional stability here jfc

‘after,,,,,d- after da long ass time’ dan u spork

they pulled up the first clip of the dvp board i’m not sobbing ur sobbing

phil recognizing he’s doing the same intro voice i’m Soft

cute

dan forgetting what he was gonna say after his big ol dramatic ‘that is right everybody’ we stan a mess

“bitch there’s no space” did u mean

ahem anyway

phil ruining all dan’s dramatic storytelling gives me Life

how did i not know just dance 2 was one of their most popular vids???? it has 7.4m views??? (for anyone as curious as me, sims #1 has 8.2m and is the most popular, followed by just dance, then fnaf #1 with 7.2m then akinator of all things with 6.4m?)

phil liked yasuhati???? i stan immensely i loved yasuhati as y’all know

it’s a grand finale u spoons stop saying grand ‘final’ that just. sounds wrong lmao

dan spent an hour making that crown i’m crying he’s so cute as is phil’s reaction giggling at him

they ran out of kitchen foil why did i need to know this

they literally fucking kept the present they crushed what’s wrong with them

‘look at what his ass did to this’ as if we don’t know what that ass do

dan keeping up the ‘i’ll ebay this’ joke i think someone’s catching the capita£ester

i love their adorable editing making each other disappear n phil chopping dan’s head off it’s endearing

cereal eating contest at least dan knows he’s lost (dan is the Actual psychic)

‘y’all fricken want us touching each other??? do you????? here ya fuckin go u animals enjoy’

me when dan makes bad innuendo puns

why does phil look so pleased with himself????

hi i know i say it every video but there is nothing more beautiful than phil looking at dan while he’s talking it just makes me weak????

he tongue

also important dan eye roll content

dnp each picking a game they think they can win and then they do win amazing

dan’s confused ‘should’ve put some in??? oh yeah i should’ve cheated’ immediately followed by his oh fuck yeah i probably should’ve

i would just like to point out that at this point we’re literally watching two dorks with their eyes shut psyching each other out for an entire thirty seconds

‘i’m getting so moist right now’ dan we already know ur kink is staring at phil okay we got it

phil looks like he knows he’s gonna win and i love him

why are they such dorks phil trying to make dan lose i’m being thrown violently back to pinof 4

also ofc dan has a strategy to win this of course he does of course i expect nothing less

i think dan,,,,,,broke the sound barrier there ;)

oi hi there lil rosy patch welcome back

caption this

‘it was the longest i’ve ever had my eyes open in my entire life’ dan is such a dramatic gay i love him like babe,,,,,,,u don’t have to hyperbolize everything okay

‘i don’t know why but i stared at u for like a minute’ ‘yeah’

dan screaming when phil touched the crown dan,,,,,,,do u have even one (1) ounce of chill

look i’ve never seen dan fixate so much on anything except phil

‘stop enjoying these rolling chairs so much’ hi daniel do u recall not a month ago when u wheeled ur bf around the flat bc i do recall u having a bit of fun there

phil knowing he has noodly arms and dan immediately going ‘don’t u dare say that abt my husband’ is a mood

buster howell

dnp being terrified of snapping their arms in an arm wrestling contest is such a mood literally that’s like my reason for never ever wanting to arm wrestle

‘when i literally snap phil in half’ try not to look so pleased abt that dan

‘i’m not very good at fighting talk am i’ why did this immediately translate in my head to dirty talk katie u need to Stop with the phanfiction

oh my god they put the board down and my first concern was all the stickers were gonna get moved off or fall off or w.e

disappearing chins

sorry ik it’s been there but the cactus has fairy lights on it

nerds fighting over who moved who’s limbs

dan u can’t call phil out for leaning when ur leaning urself okay

he looks exactly like he did in the dk vid

rosy patch, rosy patch, we love u lil rosy patch

hi phil’s lips look particularly pretty here

what’s wrong with them who gave them permission to be this cute n domestic

youtube

dan u can’t look that offended when u offered to play that game

(offended but fond is dan’s only mood toward phil)

doesn’t count what bloody doesn’t count daniel u dork

hi why are u so giggly looking at phil okay that’s not Legal

very dry eyes and an aching left arm, that’s how you know you’ve had a good time thanks dan thanks didn’t want that didn’t need it goodbye

the way he trails off into a laugh though that’s some good shit right there

“we said it at the same time” of course u did

okay so pika @wlwphil said that dnp exist in a feedback loop of stupid bc they don’t talk to anyone but themselves i think this vid exemplifies that idea quite well tbh especially the rock paper scissors bit these nerds are so isolated in this lil loop that they massively psyche each other out over rock paper scissors i’m crying

“we know each other so well” hi yeah we know

i think it’s quite interesting that dan’s not interrupting phil like he usually would n talking over him? he’s letting phil talk? & waiting for a moment to interject?

dan puts in lil mind sneks does he phil does he really

dan having no plan which is his plan while phil’s got his first eight moves planned out

dan’s lil shut up

okay okay okay hold up here i wanna talk abt this (hi anon who said i just like to talk abt everything u right son u right) these idiots are staring at each other n dan says ‘you should admit to them right now that i win most rock paper scissors’ and phil, whilst still staring at dan, says ‘he does’

phil. phil ur talking to ur audience. but ur staring at ur man. i’m just. this shook me. this truly genuinely shook me and idk i don’t even have a good explanation it’s just so,,,,,,,unlike them???? i guess??

phil nobody consented to this stop

i’m living for dan not realizing this

what,,,,,what

phil wins: face #1

face #2

break for the weird heartbeat in the background

phil trying to psyche dan out i love him

face #3:

if u notice we have a careful progression of dan going from slightly fond to more fond (but offended) to horrified but fond. phil goes from victorious to massively victorious to ‘i think the universe is about to explode from how victorious he is’

dan shouldn’t be allowed to sound so fond abt losing that’s illegal people can’t do that

the return of cannot believe

bow to me biatch

jiggly camera

i’ve invited ur mum ‘no u haven’t’ i find it super cute that literally every time there’s a ur mum joke directed at kath phil has to deny it?

dan’s sweatpants n slippers

dan pulling out the catti/bratty voices from undertale i love it

philip michael lester, with this…

youtube

oi don’t touch it!

now prance, king

dan’s cheeky lil grin

this guy

dan waiting patiently to be thanked

excuse me daniel and philip what did u cut out we went from y’all’s hands being down below shot and then they’re up next to ur face???? excuse me

hi we missed a lot that’s not allowed

cutes

sorry i love when dan does this with his lips it cute

phil has this incredible ability to deliver jokes with such seriousness i mean honestly it’s a genuine skill like???? when dan delivers jokes u Know it’s a joke but phil man,,,,,he could be completely serious if taken out of context

hi i just like that dnp called each other philip and daniel in this vid good content

yes phil all or nothings are valid

i’m here for them like indicating the other has to say some Significant thing at the end of the vids it’s real cute

#dnp #dan and phil #dapg #phan #danandphilgames #the final dvp #vid analysis #anon #ask #kt #moonshine gifs

175 notes · View notes

readerwinterbarnes · 5 years

Text

Gentle Touch: Pt. 9

Secrets Uncovered

Bucky x OFC (Jules Carlson), Steve/Tony, Avengers

Summary: Steve begins to understand what he did wrong and starts to take the steps to fix it. Not to mention his relationship comes to light. (I suck at summaries)

Word Count: 3,822

Warnings: Rape/NON, no POV, hurt Steve, angst, mild Stony, but they get caught ;)

A/N: Friendly reminder that the Rape/Non-Con tag is permanent, considering that it’s mentioned a lot in this series. Anyway, onwards!! Thank you LydiaJean1331 on AO3 for this idea! Next part will have some funniness added in! I’ll try to post again sometime this week!

Also on AO3! WinterReadingerDixon67

“I don’t get it! I should be allowed to see Bucky!” Tony watched on quietly as Steve paced around the common room angrily. “I didn’t do anything wrong! I was just trying to help him, why can’t Jules see that?”

“Spangles why don’t you sit down before you burn a hole through my floor.” Knowing that it was safer to go the more teasing route.

Steve sat down with a huff, “Just who does she think she is? I’m trying to help my best friend and now she makes me sound like I’m the bad guy! If anything, she’s the one who’s the bad guy.”

Tony sighed, “Well for one, she’s my employee and is Bucky’s therapist who’s doing what’s best for him. And as for you being the bad guy? That’s only because he thinks you are. So don’t you think he deserves the space he needs? He’s had his whole life stripped away from him, his whole personality. Fuck, everything that made him Bucky Barnes is gone and now he has to find out who he is now. Like a baby learning how to walk or a bird spreading their wings to fly for the first time.”

Steve shook his head, “I know that, but it’s like as if he no longer wants to be my friend and that I’m the one who locked him in a cell. It feels like...like Jules is the Judge and Jury and forced me to be the executioner and lock up my best friend.”

Tony shifted on the couch to face Steve grabbing his hands, “What you did to Bucky was a poor choice in wanting to help him, but…” Tony covered Steve’s mouth, shutting all complaints with a raised eyebrow. “What if I was in his place? Would you throw me in the pool, the ocean, hold my head underwater without warning? Take the arc reactor out of my chest?”

Steve’s eyes bulged, air being punched out of his body from the horrifying statement. It took him some time, but he eventually figured out just how much Tony hates having his whole body underwater. Hence why the only way Tony would ever take a bath is if he was on Steve’s lap and no water above his waist. Tony told him of Afghanistan and the events that took place there, the nightmares he would have. Feeling his lungs burning from being waterboarded and how he struggled to breathe, even in his nightmare state. How he despised the dark, always needing a light on even during movie nights because it reminded him of the black hole. Eyes prickling with tears, Steve gripped Tony’s wrist gently, nuzzling his face into the palm laying a kiss there.

“You know I’d never do that to you baby, never, I’d never hurt you,” tears prickled his eyes, not realizing they slipped free until a calloused thumb brushed them away. He was met with gentle brown eyes.

“I know you’d never hurt me, Steve, well not unless I begged you too. There are some things we still haven’t tried yet.” Tony smirked, wiggling his eyebrows at his boyfriends reddening face.

“Tony…”

“I know they don’t know yet, anyway back to the point,” he leaned back slightly, “everything that I went through, the nightmares, the scars that remind me of it, the endless sleepless nights. How is it any different with Bucky? He went through a lot of rough shit that any of us can never comprehend, let alone understand. And if there are things he doesn’t want us to know, then we will give him time and space until he’s ready to share them.” Tony shrugged, “He might not even want us to even know about them, which is fine because that’s his choice and his alone.”

Steve froze when he realized what he just did, how he acted and how he must’ve looked through Bucky’s eyes. How he was the monster Bucky feared in every possible way. He felt sick to his stomach from his actions. Emotions building up beyond the point of holding them in, but Tony was there to comfort him as he broke down.

“It’s all my fault, isn’t it? That I’m now the monster he sees.” He sobbed into Tony’s shoulder, “And now I can’t do anything to actually help him.”

“Hey, everything will be alright. Wanna know why?” Tony lifted the blondes face to him, “Because you try to fix your mistakes, granted you tend to act first ask questions later, but you’re getting there. And you agreeing to give him the space he needs? Tells him that you respect the choices he made and are willing to wait for him to come to you whenever he’s ready, not when you’re ready.”

Steve looked at Tony with such adoration, he felt as if his heart was going to explode. “How’d you come to be so wise?”

Tony shrugged, “I’m a genius, comes naturally.” Of course, Steve knew Tony learned throughout the years, hell he even learned from Tony when they started dating.

“Come here,” Steve pulled Tony onto his lap, capturing his lips eagerly. Running his hands up Tony’s thighs, Steve loved the way the man shivered as his hands slipped past the bands of his jeans. “Just like that baby, god you look so good like this. Eager for it.”

“Fuck S-Steve,” Tony whimpered when Steve’s finger slip down and press against his still lose hole from their activities from this morning. “Still lose, I’m ready, please…”

“Mmm love it when you beg so nicely,” Tony squealed as Steve flipped them around on the couch, but it quickly turned into a moan when Steve rolled his hips against his.

“Steve, oh fuck, babe someone could-oh god faster!” He cried out, holding his boyfriend to his neck as Steve sunk his teeth into his skin. Leaving angry red marks from his blunt nails that scratched down the broad back.

A cough brought them out of their bubble, “Um, how about not faster.”

“But it’s a free show!” THUD “OW! Natasha!”

“This explains everything.”

Steve and Tony shot off the couch as if it burned them, frantically fixing their appearance, but it didn’t help erase how red their faces were. The others watched with amusement and shock. “What do you mean it explains everything?” Clint said rubbing the back of his head where Nat hit him.

“The lingering glances when they think no one’s looking, the way Tony wanted to comfort Steve after missions when he was hurt,” Nat told Clint.

That’s when Jules snapped her fingers, “So that’s why you looked like a mess after you came out of the elevator and the red scratch marks. Or when Tony blushed when someone told him not to get his panties in a twist, because of private reasons?” If they weren’t blushing before, they definitely were now. Especially Tony, who looked like a deer in headlights or a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“Um, well, you see the thing is…” Steve tried to explain and Tony wasn’t sure if he should say anything.

“Right, well why don’t we all sit down and I’ll ask the questions? Is that alright with you Tony?” Jules glanced towards him, who nodded shyly.

“Ok, so obviously you and Steve are together and have things you like to do for your own personal private pleasures. You both don’t want your relationship known because you want the sense of normalcy and privacy. Although you might want to work on that bit a bit more I think, I’d rather not have to walk into something that will scar me for life.” The two men nodded, still not saying a word to the others.

“Are you two happy? Like happy, happy?”

“Yes,” Tony was the first to speak, “he makes me feel happy.” Jules could tell that both men had to resolve a lot of issues and insecurities during the first steps of their relationship. Information that they were definitely not comfortable talking with anyone else. “Good and Steve? What about you?”

Steve honestly didn’t want to look her in the eyes, due to their previous confrontation earlier, “Yes he does, he helps me understand things that I don’t get. But he makes me very happy.”

“Great! Then that’s all I need to know! But if you both ever want to talk, you know where to find me. But please for all our sakes and my sanity if you want to have fun hot steamy kinky sexy times together, think of where you’re going to do it first. And safety first, always safety first, I don’t want to have to write up a report on how either one of you got stuck in a pair of handcuffs while trying to get off or something.”

Tony instantly brought a hand up to prevent his laugh coming through, but it didn’t work very well because he ended up a snorting mess. Steve, however, was glaring at his genius boyfriend, “Not a word Tony, please.”

“Oh. My. God.”

“This just got even better.”

“Congratulations boys, don’t stay up too late.” Nat winked at them before she left the room. Clint running after her, “How does this make it better? Nat tell me!”

The others simply smiled, well Bruce looked awkward in the situation and Thor was being well...Thor. “Congratulations are in order, my friends! May your lovemaking continue to bring happiness to your lives!”

“Thor!” Steve gawked at the already retreating god, while Tony looked as if he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

“Alright you two, now don’t worry, I’m pretty sure the others will keep this information quiet. But for now,” Jules coughed, smiling softly at them, “just keep all the stuff where we can’t see it. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, which is totally acceptable of course. But I’ll just leave now and let you guys continue your...passionate activities.”

On her way to her office floor, she couldn’t help but smile as she heard quiet enthusiastic voices and very eager feet running towards Tony’s private elevator to his penthouse.

------

Bucky’s Room

Bucky thought he was doing better, well he was - is doing better. But this morning he felt wired, energetic, too anxious to focus on anything. So he spent the whole morning doing what he does best besides killing people; exercising. He ran laps, lifted weights, pushups, even spent the past two hours swimming in Tony’s private pool and tried to do yoga. But even that couldn’t seem to shake the feeling off. He eventually figured out the problem himself when he went back to his room.

His bed.

Granted it was a very comfortable bed, but a bed nonetheless. One he was avoiding for good reasons, but knowing it wouldn’t hurt him. It wasn’t until he was sitting on his bed until he realized he knew what he was doing. He was sitting in the middle of his bed, nothing but his boxers, exposing himself to the possibility of danger.

Before he could comprehend what he was doing, let alone stop himself, he laid himself on the bed and spread himself out like a starfish. Breath ragged, Bucky forced himself to stay where he was and do the breathing exercises Jules taught him. “F-Friday?”

“Yes, Mr. Barnes?”

“C-Can you talk to me? About the weather, colors, smells, any-anything?”

“Of course, the weather outside is a steady fifty degrees. The sun is out and the leaves on the trees are all in fall colors, which contrasts against the blue sky. The tower kitchen staff are currently baking fresh wheat bread, pumpkin muffins, and a variety of scones. Thor is meeting with Jane out of the tower, Bruce is in his lab, Clint is sparring with Natasha, Tony is on his way to his workshop, and Steve is currently having a meeting with Jules.

Your heart rate is well within the healthy range, your levels are normal. You ran ten miles today and swam five. You managed to sleep for a full nine hours last night without any issues that did not require extra assistance. The sun is currently shining through your windows, leaving the room in a warm, soft glow. You are the only one in the room and completely safe.”

Silence flooded the room, a wave of safety washed over him. He stayed like this for a few more minutes, before he forced himself out of bed, having enough of it already. Bucky not wanting to feel exposed anymore, quickly slipped on a pair of sweats, thick socks, and a hoodie, before he grabbed his journal and made his way to his spot on the couch. Once he was bundled up underneath his comforter, he opened the journal to the next page and began to write.

‘I laid on my bed, like full on starfish, exposed to everything...danger, my nightmares, to...them. If it wasn’t for Tony’s AI Friday, I don’t think I would’ve made it that far. I think she said I was there for a good thirty minutes before I had to get off and away from the bed. Too many bad memories associated with it.

But I did it myself, I got on the bed by myself and...and stayed there. Does this mean I’m getting better? Does this mean I’ll - I’ll become normal again?’

------

Jules Office

Jules was sitting in her office going through some paperwork for Tony and how to proceed with Bucky’s arm replacement when a knock sounded on her door. She didn’t have any appointments for today, so she opened the door only to find Steve standing on the other side.

“Steve...I wasn’t expecting you, please come in.”

“Thank you,” she watched Steve walk into her office taking in the picture frames, the garden outside, the calm affects the room offered.

“Is there something I can help you with?”

“Um, I...I would like to apologize for my previous actions. My behavior and how I obviously made the whole situation worse. Tony always said that I was more of like take action first ask questions later type of guy.” He laughed softly, gazing at his hands hoping that they hold the answers he wants.

“Growing up, I was always bullied. Pushed into mud puddles, dragged to back alley’s, always getting myself into trouble. I hated bullies and didn’t care what happened to me and would fight them about it, but I was a stick back them. Bucky he...he fought for me, threw a few punches, called me a ‘stupid punk for getting myself into these situations’. He was right though, they both were.”

“Both?” Intrigued, Jules sat across from him patiently waiting for him to continue.

Steve rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “Yeah, uh Ultron, he said that I was always looking for a fight. A war of some kind. He wasn’t wrong, I mean there were always times where the only time I felt needed or wanted as if there was a war to end. That need to bring bullies down stayed with me and...and it didn’t end well in many ways. Almost cost me, Tony, to be honest.”

“Right, so before the serum, you were a scrawny tiny guy who hated bullies and post-serum you feel like that’s your right. That you need to get rid of them because when it comes down to it, a bullies a bully right?”

“Exactly!”

“So Natasha’s a bully?” Steve looked shocked from what she said.

“What? No, no way, she’s a nice person!”

Jules shrugged, “But she still killed people.”

“That was her job, she had no choice.”

“Yet she still killed people. Is Bucky or Tony a bully?”

Steve now looked hurt and enraged, “What are you talking about? What are you trying to say? They are the best people I have ever known!”

“Doesn’t matter,” she held up her hand stopping Steve from interrupting, “from what your definition of a bully is, is basically what they are. Sure Bucky was a great guy before his devastating accident,” Steve flinched from the memory, “but afterward? He killed people, yes it wasn’t his fault, but from everyone else's point of view? He was a pretty big bully and wasn’t afraid to show it.

Now, Tony, man alive was he the definition of a bully. I mean he made weapons for goodness sake, weapons that killed people. He drove his friends away because he was selfish. I mean come on, he’s a spoiled rich kid who gets everything he wants and definitely not afraid to show it. Always flashing something at someone.”

Steve stood up abruptly, red-faced, full of fury, “You know nothing about them! You don’t know them! In fact, the only one here who’s a bully is you! I actually thought I could come here and talk to you about my problems, but now I realize I can’t!” Before he managed to stomp out of her office, Jules laughed.

“Ugh about time! Finally, we’re getting somewhere!” That stopped Steve in his tracks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Sit,” she stood up and grabbed them some juice, “I know you hate me and don’t deny it. You think I’m stopping you from becoming friends with Bucky again, which is extremely false by the way, but more on that later. When it comes to the people we love, to family, we love and care for them despite what they’ve done in the past.

The description I just gave about Tony, is what others would describe him as. To them, they see him as a bully. A stuck up man, who parties all the time, flaunts his money like its no tomorrow and didn’t give a rats ass of his company. But,”

Jules sat down and looked him square in the face, “but they never knew him of who he truly was. He was a man who desperately wanted to show the world his creations, what he wanted his company to be, but that fear of his father; the true bully, fought him every step of the way. We know of the portal, the lithium poison, him flying out the window, Afghanistan, they never knew the real Tony. But he needed a shield to hide behind so he wouldn’t get hurt.

I could go on and on about him and the others, but I want to focus on Bucky for the moment if that’s okay with you. Now we all know that Bucky’s not a bully, but to a little girl whose parents were murdered? Yeah, she’d think differently, but again, she doesn’t know the full story. Just like you Steve Rogers, don’t know the full story.”

Steve looked ashamed, like her words physically burned him, “You’re talking about the other day aren’t you?”

“Precisely, you may not like bullies Steve, but you are the biggest one I have ever met and let me explain why. You’re a bully and a coward. You think that everything needs to go your way and who shouldn’t have to face their own consequences. Which can get annoying very quickly if I might add. All you wanted was to bring Bucky back home and make sure that his bullies, a.k.a Hydra got what they deserved.

But the way you acted about it, made you feel like the bully everyone was avoiding. Which is exactly what Bucky is doing to you now and that was exactly who you were to him that day too. You were the bully of his past, of his nightmares, the monster under his bed who made him scared to even wake up in the morning. You don’t mean to hurt him in any way, but just like Tony said, actions before words kinda guy.”

Steve sat there on the couch and thought about what Jules words, “I’m really a bully aren’t I? I became the thing I never wanted to be.”

“In a way, yes you have, but you have a chance here to change that.”

“How?”

“By being the person he doesn’t want you to be. He knows that he will never be the Bucky you knew before the war, so encourage him to be the Bucky he wants to be now. Show him that you’re still his friend, that all you want is for your friend to be happy and healthy. That he’s still Bucky, he might not be your Bucky, but that he’s Bucky. Continue to give him the space he needs if he wants to talk and you just listen, give him that. If he just wants to sit with you in complete silence, give him that too. Show him that you are not the bully he fears, but the friend he needs.

But stop trying to fix everything, because you can’t fix everything. Some things just can’t be fixed, sometimes they just need help with moving on. Just...just think of what I’ve said okay? I honestly wish I was more harsh with you and honest to god slapped you and busted your balls for what you did to him. But if you ever hurt him again, I will do much worse. Understand?”

Steve nodded, knowing that she absolutely will follow through with it. “I understand, and thank you for the talk and the juice.”

Jules watched the man stand and make his way out the door, like a man who was trying to prevent his world from unraveling. She knew it was difficult for him, she did, but he needed to understand the result of his actions. Results that could cost him a very close friend, one he doesn’t want to lose. Her phone began to ring as she brought their cups to the sink, answering it on the way.

“Dr. Carlson, how may I help you?”

“Hey, Jules? It’s me, Hank.”

“Hank? Is everything okay?”

“Uh, yes and no...actually no, um Kathy went into labor and our neighbor called me while I was at work. So she brought Kathy to the hospital and I can’t get there cause I’m stuck in traffic. I’m supposed to be there with her dammit!”

“Hank, Hank listen to me alright? I’ll head right over to the hospital and be with her, she won’t be alone in this okay? Just focus on getting through traffic safely so you can be with your wife and child alright?”

“Thanks, Jules, you are a lifesaver, I’ll call you as soon as I’m at the hospital.”

“Sounds good, see you soon.”

Jules sat down on her couch with a huff, mind racing in various directions. She was going to be a godmother soon and she couldn’t wait! But it quickly dawned on her that she would have to be out of town for a few days. Meaning Bucky wouldn’t be able to meet with her for those said days, meaning....that this was going to be a very long week.

Want to be tagged in something? Let me know!

Help Me Tag list:

@believeitseeitdoit @ellen-reincarnated1967 @suchwildloveisthis @skeletoresinthebasement @9erfect-9osts @loverofthosebands @xoxoaudreymarie @dead-silence @winter-in-wakanda @azaleawardrobeo @isaxhorror @lostinspace33 @musichowler @callie-swagg1 @capandbuck @sorryidontspeakgrounder-world @everythingintensifies @melconnor2007 @screechinginternetcoffee @hellstempermentalangel @emily-ily2 @spideyhufflepuff @thefandomplace @s7sense @n7shia

Gentle Touch: @debbienewnes84 @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @fictionbanshee @lkcarts

Everything Tag list:

@sebseyesandbuckysthighs @marvelatmytrash @oh-goodness-loki @jotink78 @foreverlovecaptainswan @pickylittlebitch @just-call-me-mrs-captain @buckyismyaesthetic @debbielovesbucky @thebeastinsideusall94 @anxuanpham @saladalpaca @specs15 @earinafae @kitten-mage @chameerah @sorryidontspeakgrounder-world @the-witching-hours12-3 @unevenpages @midzilla9957 @feelmyroarrrr @auskitty @unluckyybuckyy @dinah1997 @supernaturaldean67 @httpmcrvel @thefridgeismybestie @geeksareunique @x-marvel-superheroes-x @unlikelygalaxygiver

#Gentle Touch #Secrets Uncovered #Gentle Touch Part 9 #Gentle Touch update #Bucky Barnes x Jules OFC #Bucky Barnes feels #Steve x Tony #Stony #READ WARNINGS #also on ao3 #hurt bucky barnes #tony feels #some fluff #marvel #marvel fandom #avengers fandom #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes needs a hug

14 notes · View notes

fanfictionized · 6 years

Text

Help Me Help You - EXmode (5/?)

Character: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader / OFC

Chapter summary: They've finally cracked Hydra's database, meaning that they have a name; The next one of Hydra's victims and they need to find her before they do.

Also they have more of an idea of what enhancement-program they're dealing with...Something familiar, perhaps?

Warnings: Mentions of torture and death, angst?

Words: 1.9k

Previous Chapter // Help Me Help You - Masterlist

“It didn’t occur to me until I tried matching the people’s blood samples up with the rest in S.H.I.E.L.D’s database.” Bruce recited as he called up the different hemograms. Bucky wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at, numbers and percentages listed in tabular form that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to him.

Bruce rambled on about the numbers and percentages and Bucky noticed that he was not the only one drifting off until the next swipe with his hand showed a microscopic animation of real blood cells. He remembered that much from school. Micrography had been quite a new technology, allowing to show real, yet blurry and black and white examples over a projector. But that was nothing compared to this.

Those cells were red and pink with a purplish center and it seemed as if they were vibrating as they coursed slowly into one direction like a current. The dark purple was starting to spread out into its entirety, the yellowish green edges of the cell beginning to extend small antenna-like arms that wiggled their way outside the cell. Bucky had never, in any way, been good at biology or science, but he didn’t need to to determine it strange. Nothing but normal.

“But I had kept myself so busy with the mutation in your blood and what the super serum did to you” He continued, looking at both Steve and Bucky “That I didn’t think about the rest of Hydra’s altering experiments.” His head turned towards Wanda. She had been staring at the screen for quite some time now.

“It’s… mine, isn’t it? My blood?” She asked cautiously and Bruce nodded, pushing back the glasses onto his nose and continued explaining with a soft tone to his voice.

“Strucker’s experiments were revolutionary after Zola’s.” Bucky looked up at the familiar name, a shiver running down his spine. “It seems as if Hydra has gotten more information on how to put both of their lives’ work together.”

“To create the ultimate weapon. Indestructible and enhanced.” Vision stated as he had entered the room by floating through the glass. Another thing Bucky wouldn’t be able to get used to. It was only the third time he had seen him. He had disappeared to go on his own mission weeks before. Something about S.H.I.E.L.D he assumed, but it didn’t really matter anyway.

“Vis!” Wanda squealed excitedly as she saw him floating towards her and wrapped her arms around him. The others smiled and greeted him back. “Vision is right. I’m not just talking about your super strength or physical resilience” He looked back at Bucky and Steve “Or your enhanced abilities, Wanda. This could be a whole new thing.” He shook his head in disbelief as he showed the next picture.

A sea of dark purple spots trembling across the screen. The room got quiet as everyone watched the oval cells with jet-black cores quivering with, what everyone assumed; pure fucking energy.

“What the hell is this?” Sam asked, clearly shocked. “That’s the sample of Nina Alice, one of the victims.” Bruce added before Sam interrupted him “And let me guess; the others look exactly like hers?” Bruce nodded. “More or less, yes. You can see a slight change in the bloodstream, but my guess is that Hydra is still playing with the formula…” “But” Natasha inquired “They were all dead when they found them, right?” Her voice was laced with something Bucky had never heard from her. Possible fear of what they were facing. “Yes, unfortunately-” Bruce began but she continued. “Then how… are the cells still moving?”

Goosebumps crawled over Bucky’s skin at the realization and the others looked just as horrified as him as they faced each other. Bruce sighed deeply.

“All of them were found within 24 hours after their initial time of death. The autopsy showed that even though their hearts had stopped beating, they were not quite… dead… in a literal sense.” “What are you talking about?” Wanda asked, as confused as the rest of the group. “Their brains are still active. Something inside them was still keeping them alive for a couple more hours.” “The new serum?” Natasha asked. “Probably.” Tony responded “Their brains’ activity essentially shut down after an average of 16 hours after their death.” “Actually, post-mortal brain activity is not uncommon, but the average time span for that is maybe up to six minutes.” “Not sixteen hours…” Steve repeated calmly as he looked down, either thinking or processing. “How the fuck are you so calm? Man, we got a new Hydra weapon that could take us all down, how are you not freaking out right now?” Sam clearly wasn’t. Rightly.

Bucky’s own heart had begun to thump inside his chest at a maddening pace. He didn’t want to imagine what those people must’ve gone through in comparison to him. His story was one to ignite nightmares by its own. He had gone a long way to become what he was, but it was the aftermath that still traumatized him. They had died getting there.

“I’m not.” Steve replied “But we might be able to stop them before anything else happens to any more civilians.” He said and gestured to Tony who was still pacing around restlessly. “…Tony? Do you know something we don’t?” Natasha asked as he picked up his tablet. “Maybe.” He shrugged and projected the picture on the screen above the table with a tap of his fingers.

“S.H.I.E.L.D has found more than one of Hydra’s programmer. They… interrogated them-” He raised his brows and Steve scoffed “What do you want from me, Cap? Because I want this to end.” Steve crossed his arms in front of him but let Tony continue.

“-Anyway, they got enough information from them to add to the hacking of the system they had already achieved to find out the plan on the new serum.” The information on the operation appeared with a title.

“The Exome-Modification and Enhancement Program.” Tony said “Also called EXmode.” He remarked, letting everyone observe the information in front of them. “We have the names of the victims right here- “ “Along with their process-evaluation during their treatments.” Bruce finished his sentence “They never wrote down the actual formula, but what it did to the people as they used it on them.” “Something like a fucked-up diary…” Sam muttered angrily. Bruce began to look more and more depressed during the course of explaining the current situation.

“They have all the names here in order. But not only the ones that were found… but also the ones they still… want to experiment on.” “There, after Yorick Lambert.” Natasha pointed out the name on the sheet. “Has anyone after him been reported missing yet?” “Not yet, no.”

Annabelle Feldner. Bucky read inside his head. She was the next one on the list, right underneath Yorick. There was nothing else, no date, no information.

“We need to find her, Tony.” It just slipped out, his thoughts running freely and he felt the need to express them. “We can’t let them get to her.” All eyes were on him. Although he didn’t speak much, his words had value once they were out. And of cause he was right, they all knew it.

“S.H.I.E.L.D is already on it.” He assured him, but it didn’t quite answer his question. “Are they bringing her to a safe location?” Bucky asked, but Tony only fidgeted on the spot, looking over at Bruce who was already eyeing him.

“Not exactly…” Bucky’s scalp began to prickle, the fiery sensation spreading over his skin. Nausea settled inside his stomach the second he thought about other people living through the same hell as he did. This was no longer a simple mission. This was personal.

“What do you mean…?” His voice was low and dark. “Well, first off; There are a few Annabelle Feldners on the face of the earth. Trying to find out which one Hydra is interested in is a bit of a predicament since we still don’t know what connects all of them.” He tried to explain. Bucky’s shoulders tensed up.

“Second, I have my doubts S.H.I.E.L.D will tell us once they’ve figured that one out, because, well…” He sighed and took off his yellow sunglasses “They still don’t have the serum. My guess is that once they know which Annabelle they’re after, they will wait for Hydra to show up so they can see where they’re taking her.” All of them listened carefully as he explained his theory.

“Of cause this is all just assumption, but I’ve known those guys for a couple of years. They are trying their best to find her, but also they won’t let an opportunity like this slip through their fingers. Thinking about the greater good- “

“No way.” Bucky interrupted as he stood up, almost knocking over his chair. He was angry. Tired of this, but mostly angry. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t let one more person be the victim of the “greater good” because the “greater good” had him killing pointlessly for decades for it. Who were they to decide if they could spare that life? They would take Hydra down to help themselves to their knowledge to use it for whatever, but not for the greater good. “They can’t do that.”

“I’m afraid that’s not up to you anymore.” Tony said and sunk back into his chair with a huff “We’ve come this far but I wouldn’t count on S.H.I.E.L.D taking us any further than that. Maybe they’ll call us if they want their base destroyed or their agents taken out. But I doubt they’ll let us know about the formula once they have it. They want to avoid this- “He pointed at Bucky, Steve and Wanda “-happening again. Not unless they know how to control it.” “So what? You’ll let them play god?” Bucky asked incredulously. “Buck…” Steve started reaching for his friend’s arm but he pulled it back. “Bucky is right.” Wanda agreed and stood up as well “You’ll never know what it’s like to be experimented on like that. They cut you open, the pump you full of stuff that makes your veins burn and make you wish you were dead.” Tony lowered his head at her words and even though she had hit a blade in his heart with the accuracy of her words, Bucky was proud of her speaking up as well.

“They don’t have a voice, Tony. But they don’t deserve it. No one does and that should be out first priority instead of being sad because we cannot change how it is.” “She’s right, you know.” Sam muttered. “I know!” Tony groaned “Of cause I know that.” “We’re Avengers.” Steve spoke “We need to stand up for the little guys. Especially since no one else will.”

Bucky chuckled. Captain America in its full glory. He was expecting nothing less. “Then it’s settled.” Vision spoke with a faint smile on his lips. “Oh, so what now exactly? I’m supposed to break into S.H.I.E.L.D’s security network?” Tony huffed sarcastically. “Haven’t you already...?” Bruce asked him, but Tony immediately tried to shush him. “Shhht! All right, okay.” He threw his hands into the air dramatically “God, I feel stupid for saying this, but let’s spy on S.H.I.E.L.D.” “We can do it. As a team.” Steve said and Tony rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Miss American beauty pageant. I’ll do most of the work anyway so lay back until I’ve found a name.” Everyone laughed at that.

Next Chapter

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #help me help you

30 notes · View notes

unofferable-fic · 6 years

Text

THE ADVENTURES OF STEVE AND TRYING TOO HARD — ONESHOT

Summary: In an ideal universe where Loki and Ellie find themselves living happily in the Avengers Compound, Bucky Barnes presents us with the reasons why a certain super soldier can’t help but be enamoured by the young woman, but also elaborates as to why it is an absolutely terrible idea.

Gif originally found here

————

Set Post Thor Ragnarok (Infinity War never happened because I said so!)

Pairing: Loki x OFC

Warnings: Language, Steve getting mercilessly teased, hopefully excessive humour.

Word Count: 3,253

Playlist: “Still Into You” — Paramore, “Hard Times” — Paramore

————

A/N: Also available on AO3. The idea for this oneshot came about through a conversation I had with a close friend with regards how the other Avengers would get on with Ellie if they were to ever meet within the Unofferable universe. As it was, my friend was convinced that Steve Rogers would have the hots for Ellie, but I suppose we couldn’t really blame him right? This is pure humour, crack, banter between pals, with a little bit of Loki and Ellie thrown in, but hopefully y’all enjoy it either way. For the purpose of this oneshot, let’s just imagine that Ellie has been living on Earth since TDW with no idea that Loki was still alive, alrighty? And THANK YOU FOR 300 FOLLOWERS! You’s are a delight to write for and thanks for sticking with me <3

If there was one thing Bucky couldn’t fault Steve for, it was for trying.

Incessantly.

And if there was one person Steve could not stop trying to get the attention of, it was Ellie.

He saw the way the Super Soldier eyed the young woman when he thought no one was looking. Heck, you would have to be blind not to see it — even then, Bucky questioned whether someone who was visually impaired wouldn’t notice the constant pining. To him, and most of the team, it was as plain as day. This was, however, an awful idea for two reasons:

One, Ellie was still completely infatuated with her former lover, Loki, also known as the God of fucking Mischief, no matter how she might deny it given recent events.

And two, it didn’t seem like Steve was her type. At All.

Bucky couldn’t fault her for that. After all, being attracted to someone of the desirable sex was all down to uncontrollable personal preference. He loved Steve more than anyone, but if she saw his friend as nothing more than just that, he wasn’t going to argue. As long as she wasn’t a bitch about it, he would leave her to whatever men she wanted to actually date. She seemed to enjoy flirting with Bucky more than even attempting to reciprocate Steve’s advances. At least Bucky knew that she was merely joking with him, given the nature of how their friendship had blossomed after he was taken out of cryo. He enjoyed her company immensely, and it was refreshing to be around someone who was aware of his struggles while also avoiding treating him like he was made of glass.

Since Thor and Loki had returned to Earth, after what was apparently the destruction of their home world — planet, realm? I ain’t got no fuckin’ clue — things in the compound had been tense. Bucky was not surprised when Ellie placed a cracking slap on the very-much-alive-Loki’s cheek. He whistled at the sight, while the god tried his best to smile at her while she verbally destroyed him for faking his death again. Having heard all about their relationship, Bucky understood her anger and frustration. You couldn’t help but sympathise with her when she stormed out of the room to cool off. It was sometime before she was willing to stay in the same room as him, but the insistence of pressing missions and requests for the Avengers’ assistance meant she would have to adjust to the new team member faster than she had hoped. Eventually, they were on — albeit, tense — speaking terms. Now that he saw them together, it was clear that they shared a deep bond spanning years. They were alike in mannerisms and habits, and Bucky usually watched them intently when they were in close quarters; they spent a great deal of time staring at the other when their back was turned. Bucky was getting impatient as to when they would stop being so stubborn and just admit they still loved each other.

Of course, Steve, the punk, saw this as his window of opportunity to declare his feelings for her. The day he approached Bucky for advice in the kitchen nearly left the latter crying in amusement.

“Ya wanna what?” he asked the Captain, wiping the tears from his cheeks as he sat at the counter eating a massive bowl of cereal.

Steve glared at him and pursed his lips together. “Jesus, Buck. There’s no need to be an ass about it.”

“No, no, no, ’m sorry. Just…explain that again.”

With a roll of his eyes, Steve repeated himself. “I want to ask Ellie out to dinner. Or maybe coffee, if she’d prefer that. Like a date.”

“You want to ask Ellie out on a date?”

“Yes.”

Bucky paused, holding back his grin. “Ah, I think ya might be punchin’ above your weight there, Stevie.”

Steve’s face fell immediately. “What do you mean?”

Frowning in his seat, the Winter Soldier let out a sigh and set down his spoon in the bowl. “Judgin’ by her relationship history, she seems to have a kinda…particular taste. And high end taste, at that.”

“You saying I’m not high end?”

“Nah, punk. I’m sayin’ that she was so deeply involved with Loki. Plus, it’s obvious he still loves her and that she loves him, if ya ask me. I mean…he’s basically a god. Maybe you shoulda sat this one out, pal.”

“If they loved each other, would they not just talk it out and get back together?” he asked, apparently not entirely convinced by his reasoning.

“I don’t think their situation is as easily put as that, even though I think they should just bite the bullet and talk about it.”

Steve shrugged, doing nothing to mask his dejected expression at the thought of Ellie not reciprocating his feelings. “Alright, that’s fair to say. But I really like her, Buck. What’s to say that maybe she likes me too? We get on pretty well.”

“I know ya do, but Loki would probably try to kill ya if you went anywhere near her and you know it. He has superpowers and shit. Don’t mess with magic, Steve.”

“Awh, c’mon—”

“D’ya see how he shoots energy from his hands? That’s fuckin’ cool. Ya can’t do that.”

“I know but—”

“He’d end ya in two seconds flat. Give up before you begin, that’s my advice. ’Ve got fifty bucks on Loki anyway; twenty that she’s gonna slap ya ’round like a rag doll.”

“Why would Ellie do—?”

“Ya got no hope, Steve. Punchin’ way above your weight here.”

“Okay, Bucky! I see your point!”

The former assassin did his best to hold back a grin. He loved to tease his best friend when the opportunity arose, so this occasion was no different. “’M not sure ya do. Lemme explain, okay, pal?”

“Oh, this should be good,” Steve said dryly and sat down on a stool next to him. “Well? Out with it.”

“Well, you’re punchin’ above your weight here, number one, ’cause that guy is a literal god or some shit, and, number two, she’s too hot for you anyway. ‘Ve a better chance with a dame like that.”

The Captain’s face was anything but amused, his eyes now narrowed and lips pursed tightly. “Of course, Bucky.”

Bucky shrugged casually and went back to eating his previously abandoned cornflakes. “I ain’t wrong!”

“Something tells me that you’re talking shit, punk,” Steve grunted and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Your advice has been anything but helpful.”

“You came to me for advice,” he replied. “’S not my problem if you think it’s harsh. I’m just tryin’ to look out for ya. I don’t think it would end well.”

“What wouldn’t end well?” an unmistakable voice called from the other side of the room. The super soldiers turned to see Tony strolling towards them.

“Awh, Jesus,” Steve groaned under his breath. “Anyone but him…”

Without hesitation, Bucky explained the situation. “Steve wants to ask Ellie out on a date because he thinks she pretty.”

Steve’s gaze immediately shot to his (now former) best friend. “Bucky?! What the hell—!?”

“Oh,” Tony whistled with a cringe on his face and made his way over to the presses. “Damn, Cap. That’s a terrible idea.”

“Why?” he demanded, distraught. “And why are you making that face?”

“It’s a terrible idea because there is a certain demigod in your way,” he stated simply as he grabbed a mug for some coffee. “Loki would sooner tear you in half then let your big muscly-self get anywhere near his beloved. And I’ll have you know that this is the face I make when I hear a very stupid idea.”

“Have ya forgotten he threw Stark outta window before?”

“You weren’t even there when that happened!”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Not really!”

“Alright,” Tony cut in, waving his free hand while he poured coffee into his mug with the other. “We’re getting sidetracked.”

Bucky nodded in agreement. “The main point we’re tryin’ to make is that ya definitely shouldn’t be chasin’ after Loki’s girl, even if you guys are close. While what I said about her likin’ me instead of you was meant to kinda annoy ya, I also meant it in terms of her taste in guys.”

As Bucky was expressing his thoughts, Tony stood there umm-hmming along and blowing on his hot beverage. “I’m with Sergeant Plum on this one, Cap. Punching way above your weight. Plus, last time you fought Loki, he slapped you silly until I showed up to save the day.”

Captain America stood there and scoffed aloud with the biggest pout on his face. “I hate all of you.”

“No you don’t; you love us.”

Steve looked positively horrified as Tony made a kissy face at him, and Bucky nearly choked on his cereal as he laughed. “How old are you, Tony?”

The billionaire was quick to gasp in mock hurt. “That is a very impolite question so I will not dignify it with an answer. Also, Barnes is right; he would have a better chance with her. You’re too…blonde, or something. Too morally righteous! You need to break the rules a little! Be spontaneous!”

“Unpredictable!” Bucky added excitedly.

Tony clicked his fingers and continued on. “If you plan to compete with the God of Mischief, obviously! Reindeer Games is always doing spontaneous stuff.”

“He’s probably the most spontaneous guy here.”

“Oh, and dye your hair. Get a beard!” Tony paused thoughtfully, took a quick sip of his coffee, and then explained further. “Basically, become Barnes in terms of looks, and Loki in terms of attitude. Got it? That way you’ll be set!” Steve was about to reply, but was overshadowed by more of his friend’s quick thinking. “Although she still might choose Loki ’cause, you know, history and stuff.” He shrugged. “Can’t compete with that.”

“Tony’s got a point,” Bucky confirmed. “You’re competin’ with someone she basically grew up with…on another planet… While you were frozen in some ice.” He hesitated for a few seconds then nodded his head firmly and met his old friend’s eyes. “Maybe ya should just sit down, Stevie.”

“It’s over, Rogers,” Tony agreed and gave the man a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “You tried but it was never going to work out.”

“What?” Steve exclaimed, looking between the pair completely stunned. “But I didn’t even get to try yet!”

“You tried your best,” Bucky went on, ignoring his outburst. “But she just wasn’t into ya.”

“Just hold on a minute,” he grumbled, using his Captain’s voice to shut them up. “I’m not afraid of Loki, okay? He has no say over who she decides she wants to go on dates with. He doesn’t own her.”

Tony raised a brow and casually leaned against the counter behind him. “Uh, it’s not just Loki you have to worry about.”

“What do you mean?”

“You forgot about the shippers.”

“Awh Jesus, Tony…”

“The who?” Bucky asked, realising that he was missing something important. “I don’t follow.”

“The shippers,” Tony repeated, his face quite relaxed. “It’s a name given to fans who really love two characters together as a couple. They say that they ‘ship them’. And when they have a favourite ship — let’s say Ellie and Loki — they mix their names together to make the ship name. In this case, it’s Lollie, which is sickeningly adorable. Loki plus Ellie makes Lollie. You get it?”

“Kinda,” Bucky replied, scratching his bearded jaw. “And they do this for all different characters?”

“You bet they do! My personal favourite is the ship name for Pepper and I; Pepperony. It’s genius.”

“Oh, that is pretty clever! So, hypothetically, Steve and Ellie would make…Stellie?”

“Eww,” Tony gasped as a shudder ran through him. “It sounds unnatural.”

“Okay,” Steve grabbed their attention, finding it hard to keep himself calm. “You two are getting distracted again. Why should I be worried about the shippers?”

Tony looked at him in mild disbelief. “Are you joking? They would not approve at all! Do you have any idea how loyal the Lollie shippers are?”

“I’m assuming very?”

“Very.”

Steve sighed heavily. “Alright but I don’t exactly care about the opinion of these people. Let them be disappointed. Is the main concern here not Ellie and I being happy?”

“Look, nobody likes disappointing shippers. You could always just veer towards another pairing—”

“I’ve already told you, I’m not gay, Tony.”

“Well I hope you’re happy disappointing all the Stucky and Stony shippers.”

Bucky leaned back in his chair, his eyes narrowing. Did he just fuckin’ say…

“Did you just smash our names together?” he asked Tony, pointing between himself and Steve. “In one’a those ship name things?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, some of them are into the idea of you two bumping uglies.”

“Pfft, no way. He’s not my type; way too needy.”

“Did you just call me needy, jerk?”

“I’m just sayin’ what we’re all thinkin’, punk.”

“See?” Tony insisted, waving his free hand between them. “It’s playful banter like that that makes people ship you two beefcakes.”

“Look, Tony,” Steve began slowly, doing his best to regain some amount of control over the conversation. “I see the points you’ve both made, but I think I’m just going to ask Ellie myself and see what she says.”

“Ask Ellie what, Captain?”

All three of the men froze mid-conversation at the sound of another person’s voice joining in. Bucky slowly turned his head to see the God of Mischief himself standing in the doorway of the kitchen. His face was completely blank, not giving away any ounce of emotion, and all this did was make the Winter Soldier unsure as to whether he had heard much of the conversation.

“Uh,” Steve drawled, looking very much like a cornered animal. Bucky had to hold back a grin at his previous statement of not being afraid of Loki. “I j-just was going to ask Ellie if she wanted to, eh, go for a…run later.”

“Fuckin’ hell,” Bucky mumbled under his breath and withheld the urge to facepalm. Steve was always a terrible liar.

Loki, looking completely stone faced, walked slowly into the kitchen and replied. “I see.”

“How are you two doing, actually?” Tony asked, watching as the demigod opened the fridge and pulled out an apple. “You and Ellie? Still having trouble in paradise?”

“There is no trouble, Stark.”

“Uh, not to be the bearer of bad news, but have you forgotten that wicked handprint she left on your chiselled cheek?”

“I think that is of little relevance,” he shrugged and sat at the counter across from Bucky and Steve with his apple and a knife in hand. “Women do that to me frequently.”

“Didn’t ya also get a slap off the Hulk?” Bucky asked as he finished his own food

“Banner hits a little harder than Ellie,” Loki answered, cringing slightly at the memory. “I find that when she hits me it is a lot more…pleasurable.”

Steve’s eyes nearly fell out of his head at that. “What the fu—”

“So you two are…” Tony set down is mug and made a circle with his index finger and thumb before repeatedly putting his other index finger through. “Gettin’ some again?”

Loki stared back, expression unreadable. “I beg your pardon?”

“Never mind. What I mean is, let’s say someone were to — oh, I don’t know — ask her out, let’s say on an intimate get-together. We call that kinda thing a date here on Earth. What would you do if someone asked Ellie out on a date?”

All three men looked at Loki intently, gauging his reaction in a way that Bucky was aware probably made it very obvious that someone did in fact want to ask Ellie out. Alas, they sat expectantly and the Trickster picked up his apple and began slowly carving slices as he spoke. “If someone were to seek out the little one and ask to court her, I can assure you that he would not get within ten feet of her before I were to slit his throat with this knife, Captain.”

As if to drive his point home further, Loki stabbed the knife down through the apple’s core and suddenly levelled his gaze on a very stunned Steve. The silence in the room was deafening for some time.

“It as nice knowing you, Cap,” Tony said in a rush, patted his shoulder, then hurried out of the room as quickly as possible with coffee in hand.

The two super soldiers were staring at the god in disbelief, a sweat very clearly beginning to break out on Steve’s forehead.

“Do you think me an idiot?” Loki hissed, green eyes boring into him.

“Eh…no.”

“I did warn ya,” Bucky mumbled, awkwardly sitting there with his bowl in his grasp.

“Hey, guys.”

The sight of the subject of their conversation walking into the kitchen caused Bucky to let out a relieved sigh. Ellie walked up to the counter and assessed them all. “Jesus, what’s goin’ on in here? You’s look a bit tense.”

“We’re just talkin’ about…women,” Bucky explained while the other two glared at each other. “Ya know how guys get about women! Anyway, what brings ya to this side of the compound?”

Ellie nodded slowly, clearly not convinced in the slightest, but avoided the subject anyway. “I was lookin’ for Loki, actually. Tony said you were in here.”

“Yes, love?” he answered, grinning in delight.

“I was comin’ to get you so we could watch some more Black Mirror. Are you good to go?”

“Of course.” He got to his feet and handed her a slice of apple which she took happily. “Lead the way.”

Before they could get anywhere near the door, Steve bit the bullet and called out. “Hey, uh, Ellie?”

Bucky was quick to intervene with a hushed, “Steve—”

“What’s up?” Ellie asked, standing in front of Loki and unaware of the look of complete distain her former lover (possibly current? Who fuckin’ knows…) was sending the Captain.

“Any chance you might want to, uh, get a cup of coffee together later? I’d love to talk more about that book we were discussing before.”

The young woman showed no obvious signs of surprise, but Bucky knew that she became a master of hiding her emotions because she learned from the best. Even still, it took her a few seconds to answer. “Sorry, Steve. I promised I’d watch telly with Loki tonight. Maybe another time soon though? ”

He smiled slightly and nodded. “Sure, have a good night.”

With that, the pair left the room and left Steve and Bucky sitting at the counter alone once more.

“Sorry, pal,” Bucky said sympathetically after a moment.

His friend met his gaze and answered. “What?”

“I know ya liked her a lot. It’s never nice gettin’ rejected.”

Steve was the picture of confusion. “What are you talking about, Buck? I didn’t get rejected.”

Bucky’s eyes went wide at his statement. “Yes, ya did. Did ya just fail to notice that she said no?”

“Actually, she said ‘another time’. That’s not an outright no. There’s still a chance!”

“Oh my god,” Bucky sighed and held his head in his hands. “You’re really not helpin’ the blonde beefcake stereotype, ya know that?”

Steve let out a chuckle at that and shook his head. “Shut up, jerk.”

“Not a chance, punk.”

Taglist: @jonsaiscomiing @wrappedinlokisarms @unseelie1963 @talinalani @fightmelight @spookass @myinnerkemono @tumbler-bumblr @jclements919 @ao3-hipster-fangirl-trash @proactiveturtles @iamthered @tlbrooks-68

45 notes · View notes

leointhemoon-blog · 6 years

Text

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade.

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives.

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian?

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away.

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then.

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat.

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet.

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less.

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot.

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place.

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today.

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest.

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten.

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

1 note · View note

seventyfiveapples · 6 years

Text

In Transit - Chapter 5

Bright fanfiction / Nick Jakoby x OFC

Previous Chapters: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

Or: The whole enchilada on AO3

Summary: When Officers Jakoby and Ward are hand-picked by the Magic Task Force to transport a dangerous convicted murderer, they must stay a few steps ahead as various enemies, forces of magic, and mistakes from the past complicate their path.

Nick slowed down and pulled over the car. There were five people waiting at the roadblock: the Sheriff, two police officers, and two of the men who’d recognized Leigh back at the motel. They must have used a shortcut of some kind to pass Nick, Daryl, and Leigh. The men from the motel did not appear to be police officers, but there was no telling what they had already told the sheriff.

In the passenger seat, Ward sighed heavily.

”What’s your plan here, Jakoby?”

”Ward, they’re still police officers. I think we just explain ourselves and continue on our way.”

”Guys-“ Leigh piped up from the back seat.

”Not all of them. You think Mr. Blue Pickup Truck is interested in the law, Nick? He was ready to fire at us back at that motel.”

”Guys-"

“I think the Sheriff would be reasonable,” Nick responded. They didn’t seem to hear Leigh.

“And if he isn’t?” asked Ward.

“If he isn’t, I have an idea.” Nick leaned over to whisper to Ward, out of Leigh’s earshot. She saw him open the glove compartment and hand the MTF cellphone to Daryl.

Leigh gave up on trying to get their attention and started working on her bracelet, working on the crack until she could pry it open and get them all out of this mess.

At that moment the sound of a megaphone rang out.

”This is the Sheriff of Lincoln County. I’m ordering you to exit the vehicle, slowly, drop your weapons and place your hands on your heads.” The two officers looked at each other before opening their doors, Daryl giving Nick a slight nod. Before he left the car, Nick turned around to Leigh.

“We’re going to stall as long as we can. Just stay low, out of sight.”

[TWO YEARS EARLIER]

Nick and Leigh exchanged a few sloppy, wine-fueled kisses on his front porch. It was Leigh’s birthday and they’d just enjoyed a leisurely dinner date at their favorite restaurant. She was looking forward to some additional “celebrations” once they were inside. Reluctantly, Nick separated his lips from hers.

“Leigh, sweetheart, let’s wait until we get inside.”

She draped herself on him as he managed to get his keys in the lock. She started nibbling his ear, causing him to drop the keys twice before he was able to successfully open the door.

”Mmm, now you can give me my other present... You know,” She said, talking a little more loudly than usual due to the wine as she stumbled inside. “In the bedroom?”

“Leigh-.”

“I mean you. I mean unwrapping you. And then-”

”Shhh…” he said, stifling some laughter.

”Why shhh? I know you like it when I’m loud.” She pulled up his shirt, running her hands over his skin - she loved the way his muscular chest felt - and started trying to pull his shirt over his head. He giggled and tried to gently hold her hands still.

”Listen, honey,” he whispered, “Trust me- wait a second.”

”What are you-“ Nick cut her off by flipping on the living room light to reveal about fifteen of her friends jumping out from behind furniture.

”SURPRISE!” They all yelled in unison. A few giggled.

Leigh’s eyes went wide and her hands flew back to her own pockets as she tried to remember exactly how much her friends had just heard. Behind her, Nick smiled shyly. Her friend Jeanette crossed the space to hug her first.

“Leigh, happy birthday! I was so afraid you already knew about the party, but I think now we can safely say that was not the case!” The party burst into laughter at that and any awkwardness in the room evaporated. Nick hung back a bit as Leigh greeted her guests one at a time. He said hello to the ones he already knew and was pleasantly surprised, as he always was with Leigh’s classmates, to sense their ease around him.. There were vanishingly few places where an orc and a human could express affection, but a room full of Brights was one of them. Magic users, in Nick’s experience, tended to hold more nuanced views of the different races than most humans - certainly, more than the humans in his Police Academy class. Leigh’s classmates always spoke to him with the same respect they’d give anyone: elf, orc, or human.

A few hours into the party, Nick went out to the backyard to get a little air. In a corner of the yard he saw... Chad. Nick still didn’t trust him, but he thought this might be a good time for a fresh start. He hated fighting with Leigh, and they’d had so many tense conversations about Chad. Maybe Nick could be the bigger person here. If Leigh got along with him, there must be something good about him. Maybe. In any case, Nick was ready to forget the past and start over. He started to walk towards him when he overheard snippets of a phone conversation and froze in place.

“Yeah. They’re still together, for now. It’s been almost three months, but I’m working on it... I’m actually at his house right now if you can believe it…. I don’t know, she doesn’t even notice my flirting, but he sure does… Of course they don’t suspect anything, she’s so naive, and he’s stupid even for an orc… Yes…Maybe… Look, I mean, she might get hurt that way but it could work…. Yes, I know we need her alive but, actually, an injury might actually be helpful.” Nick heard him laugh as he said this. What the fuck was this asshole planning? “I’m working on it, okay? I’m sure. Yes… okay, fine, I’ll see you later, Sarah.”

Well, there went that. Nick considered what he’d heard as he quietly made his way back to the house. Chad wanted Nick and Leigh to break up - no surprise there - but now he was planning something that might injure her? He saw Leigh through the window, laughing, and hung his head. How could he get her away from him when she saw him every day at her school? Would she believe what he’d just heard?

He thought of Chad laughing as he talked about injuring Leigh. Nick had to keep trying. Even if Leigh was angry. Even if she thought he was just jealous. Even if they got in a huge fight over it.

He wouldn’t - he couldn’t - let her be hurt, even if it meant things would be uneasy between the two of them.

----

[PRESENT DAY]

The bracelet that the MTF used to stifle Leigh’s magical powers was actually designed - by a Bright - to make life easier for other Brights. The inventor’s hope was that Brights could use these bracelets to stay safe and undetected while leading lives as normal as possible. She would be horrified to learn that the MTF now used them as a form of prisoner restraint.

The inventor, a mechanical engineer, had built it with two primary functions. First, its exterior projected a field that neutralized the physical and astrophysical traces left behind by magic use. This would block anyone from detecting the wearer’s magical activity. Second, its interior was built to shrink and conceal a wand. The external structure of the device was a sturdy military-grade polymer, reinforced by magic. The interior had a hollow cavity that used a permanent spell to reduce a wand to one eighth of its usual size. A single button popped the clasp, allowing the bracelet to open and the wand inside to emerge at its full size.

The design and magical elements were so intertwined that the device could not be replicated by anyone but the inventor. Because the MTF kept tabs on all known Brights in the country, they had become aware of this device from its development and they hired her to create a dozen of these for the agency’s official use… with some slight modifications. She wondered why they’d created them without the button that allowed a Bright wearer to remove and replace the wand at will, but she was paid well enough that this didn’t bother her for long. However, the addition of a tracking device was not part of her original schematics and went against every reason she’d created it.

She flatly refused to add one.

The MTF added them anyway, tacking them onto each completed bracelet with tiny screws that were able to puncture magical fields. The holes drilled for the screws had weakened the device enough that when Leigh fell, the tiniest crack had started to form. It was this crack that had rendered the concealment function unstable. It was periodically shooting out surges of energy and beams of blue light. These traces of magic had left a trail that both Agent Kandomere and Chad had now picked up.

To the agent, these surges were worrying. Although the tracking device had begun to malfunction, the spikes in magical energy could be picked up by anyone who was looking. There must have been damage of some kind to the bracelet. Hopefully she hadn’t been injured, but he knew something had happened. He frowned at the irregular beeping on his MTF map software. The transport SUV wasn’t far off and they seemed to be stopped in the middle of nowhere. More confusing. He heard a ringtone and looked down to see an incoming call from the phone in the transport vehicle. He answered it and heard voices: people shouting. The officers had placed the phone on speaker and appeared to be in the middle of a confrontation. He asked his driver Argyle to pick up the pace.

To Chad on the other hand, this was the first useful information he’d received in two days. He could identify the signature traces of Leigh’s magic anywhere. He tried to act calm as he saw a spark light up his paper map, and turned the car around slowly so that Sarah wouldn’t ask too many questions about the abrupt turn. He hadn’t been as fortunate in tracking her and was still more than 100 miles away. Sarah gave him a sidelong glance and only snickered as he re-routed, making his way back to intercept Leigh.

---

“Where’s your prisoner?” The sheriff asked, looking at Ward.

“Sir,” Ward started. “We’re LAPD officers on official assignment for the Magic Task Force, and we really need to be on our way. The man behind you is interfering with police business and I highly recommend you not pay any attention to anything he might be saying.”

“That’s not what my friend Danny here tells me. He’s saying that y’all have abducted Leigh Caldwell and are impersonating police officers. Can I see some credentials? Slowly.”

The officers slowly reached for their wallets and showed the sheriff their badges. This seemed to relax him… somewhat.

“As my partner said-” Nick began.

“Did I ask you?” The sheriff shot back. Nick seethed but remained quiet.

“Sir, this orc is an officer of the LAPD and you will speak to him with respect.”

Even with everything going on, Nick puffed up a little at his partner standing up for him. He didn’t have time to appreciate it. Mr. Blue Truck - Danny, apparently - fired a bullet into the dirt near the officers’ feet. Nick didn’t react to the gunshot but Ward jumped. “Quick dicking around. Hand over the prisoner.” Snarled Danny.

The sheriff whipped around to yell at him. “Back the fuck off, Danny. We’ve got this. I don’t need your help.” Maybe these two weren’t so close. He turned back to Nick and Daryl. “But we will need to take custody of your prisoner until we’re able to confirm your story with the feds.”

“We’re not going to do that,” growled Nick.

“Hand her over or we’re taking you all into custody,” said the sheriff.

“Do it and you’re making the biggest mistake of your life,” Daryl warned, “and judging by that haircut your mistakes are a pretty long list.”

“You want to get smart, son? Fine, hand her over or I can’t be responsible for your safety if you try to leave with her.” He nodded his head towards Danny, who raised a rifle to aim at Nick.

Back in the car, Leigh was laying as low as possible, hiding out of view as Nick had asked. She couldn’t really hear what the officers were saying, but the sound of a bullet was unmistakable. She wanted to help but couldn’t think of what to do that wouldn’t just make things worse. A few moments’ silence followed, then another gunshot. A scream. The rumble of another car’s engine arriving and shutting off. Silence for several seconds. She strained her ears for any sign of a voice. If Nick had gotten hurt trying to protect her…

After a few moments, she heard BANG BANG BANG - a frantic knock on the car door. She tried to press herself further into the seat. Leigh winced as someone slid the SUV’s rear door open, then relaxed as she saw that it was Nick. Thank Jirak.

“Leigh, Daryl’s been shot - but he’s okay - and the elf agent from the MTF is here.” He helped her out of the car. She saw Kandomere speaking with the sheriff. The men in the pickup truck were being cuffed and led into the police vehicles.

The sheriff had believed the men in the truck easily enough to threaten Nick and Daryl, but now seemed to be cooperating fully with Agent Kandomere, who appeared to be in charge now. Leigh didn’t really know what had happened but she was relieved that no one was pointing any guns at anyone, for the moment.

On the ground lay Daryl, panting and bleeding from a wound in his shoulder. Nick kneeled down next to him and Leigh followed suit. Agent Kandomere approached the three of them.

“Hey,” said Ward to the small group that had gathered. Even one syllable appeared to be a struggle.

“Officer Ward. Try not to talk too much. My driver is going to take you to a hospital, and I’m going to take your place with Officer Jakoby and the prisoner. Excuse me,” he said, walking away to take a call.

“That guy… just a real… teddy bear.”

“How do you feel?” asked Leigh.

“Like shit, actually... Thanks for asking.”

“Hey partner- you know there are easier ways to get out of having to hear my Orcish music, right?” Daryl smirked. “Take care of yourself. Text to let me know when you get home. Soon as I get back to L.A. I’m going to bring you some vitamins, and I’ll tell Sherri and Sophia to make sure you take them.”

“Nick, man… just be careful... And you?” he looked at Leigh. “Try not to… get him killed, okay?”

“I’ll try,” Leigh said in a soft tone. She felt so guilty she could hardly speak.

Nick helped Leigh to her feet - she was still in handcuffs - and they walked back towards the vehicle.

“So what happened?”

“We called the MTF agent.. I had this phone clipped to my belt, and we put it on speakerphone so the agent could hear what was going on. Daryl and I were going to just stall as long as we could. Luckily, the agent was already following us, and he was just a few miles away. Anyway, that guy from the hotel this morning? He saw the phone, maybe heard it, and fired at me. Daryl pushed me down.” He shook his head. “He took a bullet for me. I can’t believe he did that.”

“Yeah, that’s… Damn, Nick.” She was grateful to Daryl but this was surreal. “I’m glad he’s going to be okay. But all of this - for me? Why do they care?”

“One of the people that, um, that were in that bus - was his niece. He just wanted…” Nick trailed off and shook his head. Leigh could finish that sentence in her head: Revenge. He just wanted revenge.

“You should have just handed me over. All of you are at risk as long as you’re with me. I’ve got a death sentence anyway.”

“I made you a promise, Leigh. I’m not handing you over to be executed.”

“Nick, for Jirak’s sake- You can’t just not do your job. I know you. But even if you wanted to, it’s a little trickier now that we’ve got that weirdo MTF agent travelling with us.”

“I’m going to figure something out. This - sending innocent people to be, well - this isn’t why I became a cop.”

Leigh didn’t want to argue anymore. She leaned back against the car. Nick looked at her tenderly again. “Hey, Leigh, I meant to tell you earlier: happy birthday.”

She laughed drily. “Shit, I nearly forgot. Don’t tell me this is all leading up to another surprise party.”

Whether from exhaustion or adrenaline or just surprise, Nick let out a hearty laugh.

The elf called over to them and, carefully, they helped Daryl into the car driven by Argyle. Nick, Leigh, and Kandomere headed for the MTF vehicle. They hoped for an uneventful night at the safe house.

NEXT CHAPTER

#bright movie #bright fanfiction #bright orcs #nick jakoby #nick jakoby fanfiction #nick jakoby x oc #daryl ward #kandomere #non graphic violence

21 notes · View notes

2dtacokit-blog · 6 years

Text

oh jeez. Coming Back and I guess, Coming Out?

Well it has been over a few years I think since I was last on here and boy has things changed, myself included. I wasn’t planning on coming back on here as it was a horrendous triggering mess, couldn’t stand the bitchiness and toddlers... But my best buddy dragged my sorry ass back. My blog was an unmitigated disaster, I cringed for the longest time and was furious with myself. Mass deleting spree. It’s a long old read, maybe the longest post in the entire universe, but I cannot put this concisely. If you make it to the end, I thank you for witnessing this.

TW for CSA, SA, R, Su, Si. Just tread carefully. Crude, explicit and uncensored.

If you know me in real life, please please do not reveal this information.

Some things are the same, still parenting, still confused, still in therapy, still fighting the same old demons but a lot has changed. I have grown up for a start, wizened up a bit, got some of my shit together and I am now single. I gave two fingers up to the NHS mental health service after the complete closure of therapeutic services in my area and sought private medical care. I am in private analytic psychotherapy weekly, getting to know myselves. I have now been formally/clinically diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which has been a tough nut to get my teeth around. An old me, unsure who, used to write about it on here with complete assurance that it was the case and I didn’t recognise that attitude when I came back on. I will now be a lot more cautious with what I write with relation to my mental health because it puts me at great risk. I do not want the whole perimeter for my existence to be based on my mental health anymore... Even though it still governs my existence.

So yes, we are a “system” working towards consolidation of trauma and experiences in therapy and with private specialists, but we are primarily Aly.

Another biggie to cover, and this will be the first place other than the survivors forum I will post this on, is that I am having serious issues with gender dysphoria. Now this is gonna sound very strange, for most that have known me I have seemed someone who sexualized their female body continually, putting it on display and clinging to it. Well... It came as a shock to me as to anyone I haven’t already come out to (literally 5 people I know in real life?). I will do what I can to explain and make sense of what is an ongoing discovery with my therapist.

Trauma fucks with people in many ways. Sexual and psychological trauma is an insidious beast that disguises themselves in many forms. Now as I have already covered, I have DID. A condition caused by having to adapt to survive severe and repeated complex trauma in childhood. I still have not much of an idea what that is but other me’s do. That is neither here or there for now, that is my business, but what it does is erase chunks of my memory of things I have been unable to process/deal with.

As a kid, I was abnormal to say the least. A large chunk of that was due to trauma, switching continually and just casually failing my way through anything other than academics. One thing I didn’t understand was how the heck I couldn’t connect to the girls around me. I didn’t understand them, couldn’t get my head around how they worked or how they looked. I was tall, scrawny, long haired boyish thing that was torn between doing what they loved (getting muddy, trashing shit, buying the most ridiculous jeans you can imagine, pummelling people in rugby, pummelling people in the playground ((not proud of it)), studying, hanging out with boys, being silly) and who I felt I should be (cute, girly, into pink, dancers, sweet, gentle).

That conflict tore my little primary school brain apart. What used to happen at home is a mystery but school was agony. I would go in a dishevelled mess and was a freak, as all and sundry used to make clear. Girls didn’t want me as their friend because I wasn’t like them, and my attempts to emulate them came across desperate, copycat, attention seeking behaviour. But dammit I still tried. Tried the pink, tried the cute stuff, but they were my sisters stuff... Not for me. I loved them but they didn’t look right on me, made me feel worse. My younger sister was an alien to me; a proper real life girl and that highlighted my freakishness. I was being rejected by everyone. Experiencing massive emotional and physical neglect at home, bullied at school, turned away by counsellors and tutors, ofc rejected by the boys and girls I fancied.

ENTER FROM THE LEFT MY MAGICALLY SHIT DISSOCIATIVE POWERS.

I had a few angry boy personalities about by this time, I didn’t know they were boys until like September last year. I had a mass emergence of parts, all male, that stored these memories like time capsules. Memories I had forgotten due to my dissociative amnesia. Anyway, similarly to how these parts formed and were there early, so came a female personality. One that could preform girl where the rest of us couldn’t. Not very well at this stage, she was a young girl, but she dutifully tried to copy the girls we grew up around. Camouflaging what I guess was early stage dysphoria from myself and those around me. This part felt terror at appearing anything like a boy, because looking like a boy when we should be a girl would get us bullied and rejected again. And we were alone enough.

Around this time, I think between 9-11, I was visibly changing a lot in photos. Sometimes I would be incredibly tomboyish, othertimes... painfully... a mismatched attempt at what we felt a girl should be. Combine that with the elusive sexual abuse we aren’t clear of yet, we prioritised being sexually attractive over all else. Boys liked girls that had tits. Boys liked girls that liked their tits. My family liked girls that were girls, and tits were a thing girls had, make up were what girls wore. Girls liked girls that looked like girls, and were jealous of girls who looked sexy. Well that is who we will be, couldn’t be cute, so let’s be sexy instead. I wore miniskirts that were obscene, tank tops saying “sexy kitty” on it, and stuffed my croptop to make sure my tiny prepubescent body looked that little bit more adult. That didn’t go how we wanted it to. We looked more like a freak than ever because parts were still clinging desperately to their boyhood, and we looked like a clusterfuck to be honest. A sad one though. Desperately sad and my heart breaks to look back at that confused person in the photos.To be clear though, we were not at this point attaching any of this to gender, boyhood wasn't at this point me saying “LOOK I AM A BOY” but kinda what we really were without connecting the word boy to it. I wasn’t afforded an opinion of my own at this age, raised in the church, within a violent and abusive household in literally one of the whitest, hetero-normative, conservative towns in the UK erases ones ability to discover themselves.

In a final act of madness to solidify that i was a normal girl we went to an all girls school.

Mistake.

Before we even got to that dam school we watched The Matrix. For the first time we saw someone that looked like a girl but also looked like a boy. We were mystified. We bypassed Trinity, she was a she and we didn’t connect at all, but the blonde one (who died very early on) has short boyish spiky hair. So we took our smol ass to the hairdressers and insisted we got our past shoulder length hair cut completely off. That did not go the way we planned. We looked older, looked somehow more like a freak girl/boy thing, and it was horrifying. We also looked like our mum, which was another problem related to the abuse stuff. We cried for ages because we felt like a freak, didn’t understand why we did it, couldn’t change it and we were about to start at the new, All Girls Grammar school. Shit.

The first two years at that school was hell. My mum finally kicked my dad out, but we were still having to see him weekly. I was at this point dissociating all the time. I would have three loads of school stuff with me all the time, for reasons i couldn’t understand. I didn’t understand why the other girls had one pencil case when I had 3, had to have 3! How in the heck did these girls carry their stuff not in a bag or a giant tray like I had to?! Well I was catering to the parts that were present without knowing it. Either way I was bait man, freaking bait.

Skinny, tall, covered head to toe in excoriation marks, short tufty hair, looked like a boy, but so desperate to fit in I wore my dam mums make up. I got lost all the time, was crying all the time or having fits where i would smash stuff, steal things, yell for no reason or be very sexually overt. I was torn apart. A website was set up by my old so called friends called The Aly Fan Club, where they took photos of me around school, uploaded them to the net and commented on them, with people (usually men) commenting what they wanted to do to me. I took all this in silence because when i got home, my amnesia would wipe that shit clean from my brain for ages. From one hell to another.

Coming out as what I thought was gay at this time was another huge problem, like any emo nerd I drew all this trash and put it on dA. In no time at all, most of the school knew I liked girls and there was now something NEW to bully me for. I tried to see this as punishment for my bullying behaviour in primary school to justify it but there was no justification. So much at this point was about punishment.

Punishment for being a freak, for being a loser, for not being like anyone else in this entire dam school. Punishment for looking so gross, for wanting these awful, naughty things, for liking the wrong people, for drawing how i felt... I needed to be punished. So I let it continue. I was an awful person and i needed to be punished.

But here is a thing. Breasts. When mine came in they came in suddenly. It felt like all my prayers had been answered and my ticket to being a girl like all these other girls had been called. I was One Of Them. I hated my body so much because of the hatred I got from others and my own discomfort that when these babies came in I adored them. Not what I anticipate anyone expects to here from someone suspecting they are a trans guy? “if you were truly dysphoric you would have hated them, that would have made it worse!” well for most cases probably. What these fatty parts gave me was attention, which i had been starved from in almost all aspects of my life, family included. What’s more, this attention was positive. I had never experienced such a thing for my body before that wasn’t... locked in another trauma pocket.

For someone who was ready to kill themselves at age 12 because they were such an unforgivable, wretched, disgusting, freak, that wasn't even a girl, that couldn't stop biting themselves till they bled... The power my newly sexualised and definitely female body gave me was sorely needed. People fancied me now. They wanted to touch me rather than just hit me, or throw things at me. They wanted to pull me not swear at me or spit at me. Survival Aly adapts, it is what we do, so we adapted. But things were still not right. Self harm was a massive problem, so were suicide attempts because we were still... not quite there yet. We ventured online a lot, where older men from across the world would ask for photos, videos and meets. I had no idea this was sexual grooming, but we were also dependant on that to survive. Somehow though, the impact of that, some bullying that was still happening, my everpresent self hatred, confusion and discomfort and increase in abuse in the home led us to attempt suicide in the school toilet when i was 14.

We tried to cut our neck open this time.

A teacher found us and dragged us to student services. My mum as usual was angry as heck and embarrassed. Apologising for my behaviour and the inconvenience. My dad was cloying like molasses creeping into my head. I remember because i bled all over the blouse of Ms Ginsberg, a tutor i fancied since forever. It wasn’t that severe, it was considered a superficial wound, but the amount we were doing and the continual attempts were serious cause for concern. Then my step mom found photos of me being sexually active at 14 and before, my mom found a load of the video files for the other men and I was hospitalised. Something miraculous occurred during this time though, another part came out. One that was confident and proudly female, one that was overtly sexualised but more cunning. She was a chav, an incredible cheemo (idk if anyone remembers this fashion disaster movement thing). She could adapt and fit in to any social situation and essentially helped us waltz out of hospital with no memory of being there for years.

All memory of confused tomboy/greyspace/whatever the fuck i was me was gone. This me didn’t give a dam and was in it for themselves and to survive, to be adored. And sex was their weapon, they just had to be cunning about it. By this point I was 15 and didn’t really think more about what I was. We were screwing guys now, guys and girls, thought this was something to be proud of. Dismissed the old small group of friends i had for the guys that hung around at the park and girls that used to go out and get drunk. We took naked photos of ourselves and put them online, and paraded ourselves around scantily clad because it made us feel powerful and loved.

At 16 i was raped. I was again at 17 twice, and this pattern continued beyond being hospitalised for the second time at 20 (the worst 21st birthday ever), beyond getting pregnant which was also conceived through rape. I had been sexually abused and raped a lot during this time, but my dissociative amnesia would wipe the memory. So I would know something bad was happening but was denied processing it by my inbuilt survival mechanisms that kept me alive as a kid. I was unable to get out of the loop or register any danger because the switching would be so automatic, so ingrained, it basically was not up to me to get us out of the situation because another part was there in brace position having dissociated fully. All during this time I preformed female because it was necessary. I didn't have room to question my gender because i was too busy surviving and trying to literally not die.

Then the pregnancy. I cant relive any of this trauma stuff too much, that isn't the point of this post but during this time, my gender was more apparent than ever before. Drawings we used to do of parts that had male appendages but still looked female started to change. Become more male. The internal distress was so monumental for many reasons; rape pregnancy, the gen father not leaving us alone, fear of my dad, still loosing my mind, desperately trying to be loved my my partner at the time. But there was another distress there.

I cant be a mum. Women become mums. I cant hold this child in me. This shouldn't be there.

Everyone was hammering home how much of a glowing woman I was and each time they said it I wanted to die. I tortured my body, got others to torture it too. Despised it, loathed it. It wasn't right to any of my parts. Three parts got us through that pregnancy but we dont know who gave birth. I dont remember it. We destroyed almost every pregnant photo of us. What were we disgusted by aside from the feeling of being broken, used and bred? How undeniably, unquestionably female we were.

Even so things were happening inside my head and body that made us feel insane. We started feeling like we had a penis, like felt like we could touch it, could feel stimulated by holding an appendage there (tmi i know). We tried in secret without thinking about it, moving our breasts up, down, flat, out of the way (fairly impossible by this point i was a lactating G cup *vomits*). We had glimmers of feeling male... which... felt good. First time we pegged we cried in the toilet with the door locked because it felt real, felt right though we couldn't explain it. So we were too scared to do it again, tried to force feminise ourselves again because that is WHO WE SHOULD BE. I mean look? I have a kid now, i am “mom”. Stopped drawing these mysterious genderconfused parts and forcefully only drew accurately what our body was. Which was agony.

Until September 2017.

Ploughing through therapy, maturing, making milestones in recovery when we started to talk about childhood trauma, my dad, the first and only time i drew myself fully as a man for my friend, and BAM! Bam! is not overrated it was literally a Bam! moment, because the part emergence I mentioned earlier occurred. And with these male parts came the bloody nail bat of gender dysphoria hitting me in the head over and over till I self harmed for the first time in years. The male parts were terrified and disoriented at first, they had a lot of growing up and catching up to do, some more so than others. They remembered being 15, 13, 10. Remembered the first pegging experience, remembered... things we had no connection to. Now they are mostly my age, helping each other to mature and grow as needed due to being a parent.

The first used to cry and scream in the mirror, punching walls because the body was wrong. Attacking our breasts like i had done subconsciously for years but this time, because they knew their breasts were wrong. They drew themselves over and over to solidify their gender identity when all else was screaming they were female. We pulled away from our partner, couldn't be touched, couldn't be interacted with because it would be a reminder of our gender. We flinched at being called a woman, a girl, female, and with that came memories of feeling like that as a kid. Fuck me, we were dysphoric as a kid. The first proper realisation.

Up until this point we had NO idea we had ever experienced gender dysphoria. But this is how DID works. It erases traumatic information and stores it in the parts that dealt with it. When the parts properly emerge, this information is leaked out over time. So great. Dysphoria.

Another part came out to implement what I am now starting to think is their cure for this, to ultimately feminise us. Because we needed to be female. Erase the dysphoria and with it that other male part. Nothing feminises me quicker than one of my most terrifying abusers. So guess what bellend got back in contact and re-traumatised the system, this one *points to self in dismay*. Long story short, shit went down, not un consensual shit as before but still shit. That part would routinely draw the male part being hurt by this guy over and over again till they freaked out.

But wait! The hellscape is not over. From stage right we have another destructive part, hyper-masculine, angry and unempathetic. Grateful to him because his presence pulled us away from that guy (he viewed him as pathetic and beneath him), but now we are just... drinking. Getting wasted in the park, hitting things, smoking up at night again. My specialist had told me to get to know these parts as they are vital for my recovery so we drew what they needed us to draw and goddam these guys are hurt. These are protective parts. They took the shit we couldn’t. And this one, swearing at my partner, exploding all over the place, trying to run away, self harming, kicking the shit out of the wheely bin outside survives threat of physical violence. The one that went to my old abuser survives some of the more extreme sexual violence and torture and the first male part deals with psychological abuse. I can see it in their drawings, their confessions and in our therapy sessions. We have other parts but they dont want to be discussed.

All of these parts are heavily dysphoric because they are all male. Unquestionably so. Their rage at this body is because it isn’t the right one. So where do I come into it, me being the primary/fronting part, or leader of the twisted UN committee that is my brain? That has taken longer to figure out, and has been a more agonising journey.

I am dysphoric too.

I cannot erase now i have them, the memories of my childhood spent dysphoric. The memories of trying at any cost to be a girl. Which shouldn’t be hard considering genetically I am one. I have had to fight within myself my transphobia i didn't even know was present. We aren’t talking bigotry here, but the genuine terror that i could be transgender. When most of the make up of who I am, and my survival to this day has been formulated by trying to accepted, loved, normal (though i failed at that horribly), not rejected and safe from physical, sexual and psychological abuse... Coming to terms with the fact you are transgender is not a comfortable thought. Not one I welcomed, and one that terrified us.

The fear of being transgender was so great it made us sick, sent us into crisis, started us self harming again. Trying everything we can to not be transgender because I have been through enough and survival brain is screaming as loud as it can that this will cause serious problems. But we couldn’t. Cant draw myself as a girl at all without wanting to cry or wretch. Cant wear girls clothes because i feel like i am crossdressing?! Cant wear bras, cant do feminine make up, cant do anything I used to do to be accepted anymore. Cant be a girlfriend anymore.

We started without realising it trying to make ourselves masculine. We would zone out and be drawing on facial hair with eyebrow pencil, tried using vetwrap to bind my chest, do not do this, it bruised us for days. We bought a mans top and a guys jeans and we lived in them exclusively unless family was over. We started wearing boxers, packing (though going to the loo and watching a dam sock fall out your pants makes your dysphoria worse and left us feeling humiliated so stopped doing this). I started drawing me not my parts but me and that me was always always male unless we were trying to force ourselves to draw a female us.

We reached out eventually to my best friend Ruth, and they encouraged us to get a binder. This provoked fear again. Self harm, self medicating, the usual destructive bs. But now the distress levels were triggering depersonalisation and derealisation; both symptoms of DID survival patterns. We stopped being able to recognise ourselves in mirrors because the damn amnesia was wiping it in an instant. My hands would feel male then flick to female, my body was glitching continually and I tried to get out of buying a binder by talking about my “genuine transgender friends” saying how I couldn't be trans because of their experience, that I am so obviously taking the piss, that I cannot be trans this must all be trauma. But Ruth stuck with me, as did a few other people, and still pushed for me to get a binder just to see how it felt.

I did and when it arrived and i tried it on the reaction was... well... overwhelming. Much like looking in the mirror seeing what is a very female face with a drawn on beard, i was looking at a body i hated being crammed into something that kinda hurt to put on, and making me look like i had a deformed ribcage. I cried. I dont know what i expected in that moment. Maybe that all the dysphoria will go away and it would be fixed and that would be that. All okay. But no. I felt sad that I was punishing my body for not being right, angry at myself for not being able to just be a dam woman. I MADE A BABY WITH MY BODY THIS SHIT SHOULD BE EASY.

Standing in a mirror, with a binder on, boxers on and socks stuffed in them trying my best to look like a man, I felt like a freak.

But then i put a shirt on. And holy heck i could see my feet. I was small, the first time i have ever looked at myself and seen a small body rather than something deformed that i see when i see my breasts. I looked smart, I looked beautiful in that shirt. The tears were still rolling down my dam cheeks, and i was a snotty wreck but I for the first time in 4-5 years I also didn't feel rage at being fat. Because I wasn't fat, not in the slightest. Standing there in shirt and boxers with flat chest, masc make up on, i looked like a guy... just about. And i smiled. I smiled so much.

I urgently facetimed Ruth and was like “come see how good I look” something I hadn’t genuinely felt in a very long time unless a man thought I was sexy. But here, in my tip of a room, almost dancing on cam for my best friend, showing her how i could bend over and no udders were just dangling there, how i could type and see my hands move... I looked at myself and felt good. I didn't care if anyone else thought i looked good because I felt on top of the world

This was my first introduction to gender euphoria, that wasn’t related to some obscure masturbatory habits and pegging. That feeling made things liveable for a while. I wanted to chase that feeling because it felt incredible. I was working out before but now I did it to not get thin, to not starve myself but to love myself. I started taking weight training seriously, and whilst the gym was a trigger for my dysphoria (room full of massive dudes who all see you and talk to you as a girl in your skimpy ass gym kit will do that to you) I pushed on. My shoulders are getting broader now, muscle definition starting and i love each of these changes. I eat more than I ever have done but I eat healthily because this male me, this real me that i seem to love I want to treasure, look after and care for.

I am not gonna wear baggy clothes and cut my hair off to look like a passable cis guy because that feels like punishment, and I have done that enough in my life and been punished by people in ways that have left me unable to walk and bleeding. I want to see my body when i work out because i love seeing the muscle definition, I wince at my breasts but try to imagine it being different. I love my long floppy hair, and I am not gonna change that because men with long hair are stunning. People talk about “the cut”, and I get the feeling of shame that i must be making this all up because i dont want to cut my hair off, but I am not a boy, I am almost 25. I have lived through some shit, I am not a boy. I am... a man. And I like how my hair feels like a lions mane. I associate cutting my hair off with my own lack of control and desperation so i dont want to return to that ever.

My therapist has been exceptional. He wants me to embrace this because he has seen massive improvement. Yes I am in and out of crisis a lot, there is a lot on my plate and dysphoria is a c*nt when you are already struggling, but here is the dam thing.

For the first time in my miserable fucking life I don’t want to be hurt or punished. I don’t want to be beaten, spat on, assaulted or killed. I don’t want to starve, I don’t want to be anywhere near any of my old abusers or rapists. I don’t want to submit to be liked. I don’t want to preform as a character to be accepted. I don’t want to be dependant on anyone to survive. I don’t want to sexualise myself to be loved.

The dysphoria will challenge this, oh man it does. My depersonalisation and fear of being trans challenges this.

Little voices going “you are not really a man. you have tits. you have a baby. you are a mom. you are doing this for attention, all this because you have to be somehow sicker than you already are. It is just trauma. You are making all of this up. You are trying to just not be the snivelling wretch that they made you into. You make a mockery of a very real cause. You are not trying hard enough, a real trans guy would cut their hair. You like your appearance sometimes which means you must not be trans. You are not a man, you are just like literally any of those cases of confused survivors of abuse that you see all over the internet, that is you. You just cant admit it because you are scum. It’s the same as everything, none of this is real, none of this is true. You are nothing like a man. You are a nothing, A NOTHING”.

Those are the voices that send me into crisis. That have me self harming, suicidal, terrified, self hating. Not when I pass as a guy, not when I draw myself as a guy or just... am a guy. The doubt and pull back to my assigned gender is what is killing me. Well alongside the actual traumas and parenting a toddler, alone, with over £2000 in debt. I never want to lie, but unpicking the truth when you are multiple people and have amnesic survival programming to prevent you from uncovering traumatic realities is very hard.

What is amazing though.... which I will cling to when my binder is crushing, when Instagram is full of BS about what is True Transgenderism, when FB is full of trans hate and I am still annoyingly in the closet with my family and most of the universe is this... When my BFF Maddy calls me an amazing, perfect boy, I blush and well up with tears and feel seen. I felt visible. When she sends me gifs of someone snuggling the death out of a tired proud lion, ruffling his mane, I feel seen again I cry with happy relief feels. When she or my friend Ruth says i look handsome, or masculine and I am blushing again forever, that is precious. When I look in the mirror after working out and see my shoulders broader and chest almost flat from the binder, hair swept back, I look strong, i look male, i look right. well almost. When i complete a drawing of how i wish i looked and i get it correct, i feel ready to punch the goddamn sun in its stupid face like LOOK! I EXIST! When I dream of being a guy and being touched by another person as if i am a guy, i feel like i am gonna take off from this planet and leave it in my dust... because not only do they see me, but they accept me and love me for who I am, who I want to be rather than who they want me to be or who i need to be... It makes me put that blade down and walk away. Make a hot chocolate or draw something.

So... I guess this is it. I am a guy.

A closeted guy for my safety for now. But a guy.

A guy with a shit tonne of trauma. But a guy.

A guy with DID, and female personalities. But I am a guy.

A guy who has a 2 year waiting list before he can talk to a gender clinic about this but still. I am a guy.

A guy that yes, despite all my best efforts, looks androgynous at best, and uses feminine appearance for protection because they are still too scared to present fully as male. But still a guy.

If this changes in future, well then... whilst living without dysphoria would be just the best... I dont want to loose who I am now i have finally caught a glimpse of them for the first time. It has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend... Why would I ever give that up? It is gonna be a long old road, it may all change, I may change again, I may legitimately forget all about this. I may be too scared to ever come out to my family. The doubt, fear and dysphoria may actually win the next time I am in crisis. I may just delete this post out of shame but fuck it.

My name is Aly and I am a fucking guy.

#return #did #dissociativeidentitydisorder #d.i.d #dissociation #trauma #coming out #like wtf #realisation #tw #confession #long post

7 notes · View notes