Why Me? | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz | ZsaszMask (only mild, tho).
Short vent fic. Didn’t really help me at all, but still had to write and publish it to work through it at least a little bit. Sorry.
summary; Roman relives some traumatic memories from his childhood.
notes; TW / CW // Child Abuse (physical and emotional); Childhood Trauma. Emotional Hurt (and little comfort).
Roman didn’t have a lot of memories of his childhood. Only few good ones, which could be counted on both- no, only one hand. The majority was bad, though. Terrible even. And as much as he hated admitting it – traumatic.
The earliest, albeit extremely vague memory he could summon was from when he was around three years old. His parents would leave him all alone with his nanny, like usual, but something just wasn’t right that day and Roman kept acting out because of it. He kept crying and hanging onto his parents, not letting them leave the mansion.
He didn’t know why, and frankly – nowadays, he really couldn’t tell why he would ever cling onto them like that. Still, it was the first memory he had of his father shouting right in his face, scaring him deeply.
His mind was a jumbled mess, memories were all over the place, but they had a very common theme going on – his father shouting at him, grabbing his arms with bruising grips, and more. Even now, these memories forced tears into his eyes, building a thick lump in his throat that was so hard to swallow around and back down.
That particular night, which he spent sitting in his chaise longue, legs folded and feet up, sipping on a Martini, one of his most hated memories forced its way into the foreground. His inner eye made to watch it replay. He felt the fear, the pain, the anguish, the helplessness of his – fuck – probably seven years old self.
It choked him.
He shuddered, shook his head and took a big swallow from his Martini to fight the tears back down.
Roman couldn’t remember what had led up to this, or what his father had been screaming into his face, other than for him to “Stop fucking crying”.
All he could really remember, and what always kept replaying over and over again, was the sudden, strong, bruising grip on his upper arm; the way his father had pulled him through the mansion and to Roman’s room. He could barely keep up, just stumbling after Richard, forced to do so, while he just kept on crying, unable to calm down. Suddenly, he was picked up and for a moment, a split second, he had thought that maybe his father had come around and would comfort him after all.
Then he didn’t feel anything, just air and the weightlessness of flying through it. It was scary. He hoped someone would catch him.
After what felt like an eternity, he crashed onto the floor and into the radiator against his wall, his back and his butt hurting. He was so shaken up, screaming, cries and sobs of anguish leaving his already abused throat. Snot and tears ran down his face, as if the faucet to his bodily fluids had suddenly been turned up to full pressure.
His father only slammed the door closed and left him all by himself.
It wasn’t the last time he’d do it, but it had been the first. Once his mother was home and in a rare moment of actual motherhood, she came into his room after a few minutes and comforted him. That was only one time of too many, though.
Roman emptied his Martini and near carelessly placed the empty glass on the table next to him. A shuddering exhale left his lips, when he rubbed his hands over his face. He really wished he could erase those memories. They were of no use. They only caused him pain and suffering. He didn’t need, nor want that.
What is so wrong with me that you had to do this to me?
Clenching his jaw, Roman closed his eyes, and forced himself to in- and exhale deeply. His chest was so tight that it hurt.
Then a very familiar pair of hands was on his shoulder, fingers digging in, but not hurting him. An even more familiar scent of cheap cologne and cigarettes enveloped him. He sighed. Victor.
“Why me, Zsasz?” Roman croaked, and put one of his hands on one of Victor’s on his shoulder.
“I don’t know, boss. I just know you didn’t deserve it,” Victor replied dutifully; always so loyal.
It was hard to keep the tears in at that point; his voice was just barely there with the strain of keeping it all inside, “Are you sure?”
Zsasz kissed the top of his head and murmured a quiet, but so convicted “yes” into his hair that Roman couldn’t help but believe him.
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You think Ace hates his parents?? How come??
OHHH thanks for asking!!
So to start, I like to think his dad was in his life for a bit. Maybe 2-3 years at most, before leaving him and his mom. Years and years later, Ace finds out that he’s raising a family of his own, he has a son and everything. He despises his dad for leaving them, only to go raise a different family. It definitely added onto the issues I’ve already given him, but it’s also part of where his need for attention comes from.
As for his mother, I know some write her as very supporting and nice woman, but I personally don’t see that. I see her as more or less a vile person, who resents Ace for what he means. He’s the reason her husband left, the reason she gave up her education, everything. I think she was mostly verbally abusive towards him in that sense, occasionally got physical when she was extremely mad. He still gets scared when friends raise their voices or move like they’re going to hit him, it’s a fear he can’t get rid of. That’s another area where the need for acceptance comes from, his own mother didn’t love him and it hurts him so much.
He doesn’t have any contact with his mother, dropped her as soon a he was able to. She left him with a lot a scars, both physical and mental, and he hates her for it. He hates the thoughts she’s put in his head, that he’s always the problem, and he hates the things she would do to him.
I feel like I should put it In , but since I hc him as trans, his mother was definitely not supportive. Not only does she have a kid who’s the reason her life is ruined, but that kid is trans?? Oh, she is livid, she’s an woman stuck in the past and doesn’t accept or acknowledge the fact at all. She makes his life hell, takes any and all opportunities to remind him he was born a girl, from periods to his own body to the all girls school he attends, she did everything she could to remind him he was wrong.
In short, Ace has problems, big ones. He’s got two parents that’s never given a shit about him an unhealthy need to be praised and accepted, and body issues that would make anyone fear for his safety. He’s tired, so very tired of it all, sometimes it makes his head hurt, with how overwhelming it is. But he’s trying, and I like to think he’s extremely proud of how far he’s come in his life :)