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keets-writing-corner · 4 months

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Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

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kindacreepy-kindaugly · 1 year

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I really wish everythin didn't always havta be about sex

With Mr. V I mean

I know it's the only thing in me he cares about but. He could just ignore the rest. I have other interests n aspects to my personality. It doesn't havta always be about catering to his tastes.

Like the way he has a problem with the way I like to dress cause he thinks it's too childish. Maybe I sometimes just wanna look cute without havin to also be fuckable? I already dress the way he likes around him but that's not good enough.

Major tmi in the tags but I'm gettin really frustrated with this n just kinda need to vent it somewhere

#doll #i know he can't really have that much of a one track mind cause he wouldn't have gotten where he was if he did #maybe the rest is saved for people more important than me but. why's he gotta always make everythin about that #i can't tell if he's genuinely tryin to connect with me the only way he knows how or if it's another way of keepin me at arm's length #but it's really frustrating how he manages to mangle every single thing i like into some kinda k1nk thing that i'm not into at all #sometimes i don't really mind i guess but it still feels so. performative tryin to play along.#like no i wanna be a rabbit cause i just wanna burrow sumwhere safe n cozy n nap n not think about anythin #n cause i wanna be soft n cute in a way that makes people wanna protect me not fuck me or hurt me #it's not cause i want you to put me in a harness n call me your baby bunny when you fuck me #n if i say i don't wanna think that doesn't mean i'm askin to be overwhelmed or treated like i'm dumb #i know i'm dumb!!! it doesn't help!! i don't go into 'svbspace' i dissociate n he's just pretending he can't see that #he's not stupid i know he's not n at this point it's startin to feel insulting how he acts like he can't grasp the difference #i am not that dumb either n he knows that. i see what he's doin i just don't know why.#just let me have likes n interests outside of sex ggghhhhhhhhhhhh #then he wonders why my sex drive is completely fucking dead lately. maybe i'd want it more if it didn't always feel like a performance #one that i'm supposed to be puttin on 24/7 just in case he's lookin #(maybe i'd want it even more if i didn't know it's obligatory no matter how i feel about it but that's not gonna happen)#spdrvent

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sensitivegoblin · 1 year

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Vent tw

#i have a lot of pain and emotions and no one to go to #my house is so cold and it’s making everything hurt #i wish I could k!ll myself but that would be selfish #but then again everyone even my cat now is probably better off without me #i miss c-tting it was the only thing that gave me release #it’s too hard being good I’m stressed out 24/7 making sure everything I say and do is good #i just wanna be happy #what is wrong with me #the only time I’m happy is during sexting #i just wanna talk and have someone who loves me listen #I’m so fucking stupid I hate myself so much #i wanna die so bad I wish someone was here to hug it out of me #I’m the reason why everything sucks #if my family didn’t have to deal with my disability they would’ve been a happy normal family #you have no idea how painful this anger is I have towards myself #to numb my emotions my brain makes me dissociate and picture killing myself #instead of feeling painful emotions I envision knifes and sharp things #why can’t this be like a rom com and I can call my SO crying that I need them and they rush here #fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m in so much emotional pain I don’t wann be here anymore

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teethrotter · 2 years

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mental prattling

#i have known forever that i heavily dissociate 24 / 7 but i think that i finally found the right word for it #( depersonalization with a side of derealization ) and man.#i really have no idea when the last time i felt wholly in control of / connected to my body huh #i am happy there is a name for it but the more i read the more i realize that everybody else around me just. does not understand.#anyway every time i am subjected to anything even vaguely traumatizing ( often ) i fail to react #and my panic / anxiety attacks look very different than most other people's #and i never knew why. but now i think i do

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crippledpunks · 8 days

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actually- my chronic & mental illness does define me- it's a very huge part of my life. it can't be ignored. it can't be placed on the back burner. it cannot be "powered through". it is there 24/7 whether or not i want it to be. i have to constantly explain to people why i do things is because of my schizophrenic and autistic neurotypes, or that im in severe pain from one of my various problems that cause pain

trying to mock certain disabled people who have to talk about and seek care for their disabilities on a daily basis is unnecessary and violent. it's oppressive. my disorders literally define me, my schizophrenia and autism dictate most of my behaviors. my body is constantly in pain, my guts are constantly affected by my IBS. i am constantly anxious from my PTSD and constantly dissociating from my DID.

if you personally feel as though your illnesses don't define you, that is great for you. i'm not saying chronically ill folks can't feel that way, but what i am saying is stop punching down on those of us who have a lot of their lived experience rooted in their disorders, diseases and neurotypes.

things go into remission or make progress with healing, but most chronic illnesses never fully go away and it's just bullshit to make chronically ill people feel like they can never complain about their issues. it's not an inconvenience to you, it's us expressing what we're going through. stop acting like us talking about our lived experience is an attack on your person. i'm sorry hearing that someone else is in pain sucks to hear but it sucks FAR more to BE IN PAIN

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followerofmercy · 26 days

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I think Freminet has some of the most interesting dissonance in his self perception of any Genshin character.

Like, of the Hearthlings we know, he's one of the most emotionally mature and intelligent. Lynette might still have him beat, but after playing her hangout... I dunno. I think they're tied. Lyney is Crumbling, Alrecchino is. Well. Arlecchino. Everyone else is a deeply traumatized child or adult and Freminet seems to pretty regularly be people's emotional support. His character stories talk about getting his vision by saving a bunch of other kids on a dive that went bad. The Selkie event literally had him being a therapist for a grownass woman, citing his past experiences with all the other Hearthlings that have died or killed themselves. And he handled that situation WELL. Yeah, he seems to live in a fantasy, but goddamn he's alive and a lot of people in his position aren't so clearly something is working.

Either his or Lyney's character story talks about the time Freminet had reached out to Lyney to try to ease his burdens, which resulted in Lyney blowing up at him. That probably contributed to Freminet thinking he's not good at it, but I think the reason Lyney reacted so badly was BECAUSE Freminet is actually a good support. He can't allow himself that from the little brother he's supposed to protect.

Freminet seems to both cry and dissociate often, but like... Kiddo you are in fact the only person in this family actually processing your emotions. Lynette dissociates 24/7. Arlecchino. Lyney lies and tells everyone he's fine and would literally rather die than admit otherwise. In comparison, Freminet is doing FANTASTIC

Freminet also gets a lot out of helping people! Like anyone, he needs to feel useful and needed. He seems to be an excellent mentor to the younger Hearthlings and perfectly competent on his own, but when you put him in a room with Lyney and Lynette who baby him and insist that THEY take care of HIM, he withdraws into himself.

Like, Freminet by himself feels like a young man and Freminet with the magician twins feels like a teenager. I have no idea how old he actually is. Logically, he would be OLDER than them! He's been with the House much, much longer and his experience shows. I think it's fascinating that they love him SO MUCH and yet, they just Cannot let him help them. Which is hurting him.

(Lynette is much better about not babying him and that is probably why their relationship is so much better than Freminet and Lyney's. Also why she keeps having to mediate between them. Because Lyney charges off trying to Fix Everything and that just makes Freminet feel useless and he doesn't want to get in the way and- you get the point)

Idk. It's hard to tell what things the previous director said to him vs what Arlecchino has said to him. I'm inclined to think our Arlecchino was the one that said he cries too much, but in a "crying in front of your enemies will get you killed" way and she herself is too fucked up to realize how "you cry too much" could be damaging.

Also I try not to consider gameplay stuff when it comes to story, but Freminet also has some of the most BRUTAL animations. He SMASHES HIS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT METAL PENGUIN INTO HIS ENEMY'S FACE. He doesn't think he's the most amazing fighter, and by Fatui standards he probably isn't, but he is winning fights against most grown men.

Tldr Freminet thinks he cries too much and is a burden and isn't good at helping people when he's actually the most mentally stable Hearthling send tweet

#freminet #genshin #house of hearth #character analysis #this is all over the lplace bc I'm on my phone #many freminet thoughts today #I don't wanna talk about trailer spoilers but also #this young man is a physical MONSTER #he's so similar but so different to Kaveh #where a lot of people Do perceive Freminet as a little... off #and he is #but he is a beacon of hope for all the other fucked up kids that are lost and alone #and I just think that's neat #kiddo benefits a lot from helping others #you can see how he lights up #even the hydro dragon hydro dragon don't cry #I'm sorry #this kid is comforting GOD #i think that says something

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mxqdii · 3 months

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omg hi :) i saw your bpd!reader hcs for matt and i was wondering if you could do them for chris too?

headcannons - c.s x bpd gf

pairings:

summary:

warning(s): bpd, mental health mentions, medication mentions.

not proofread

like i said with the matt hcs, you probably wouldn't wanna tell chris because yk, why would anyone

probably was snooping and ends up finding out by seeing a text from a doctor or seeing a notification saying to come pick up medication (if you take it)

"whats that?" he'd ask curiously and you'd tense up

if you really dont want to tell him, he'd stop prying but would wonder 24/7

eventually, when you do tell him (if thats when he initally sees it same thing) he's like "oh" (again not in a bad way)

you'd distance yourself, worrying he'd see you differently

he'd for sure do a bunch of research and maybe even go to matt for advice

honestly, probably wouldn’t bring it up again because why would he? its not something that needs to be mentioned all the time

again if you take meds, reminds you if you forget or just in general

is kinda impulsive so you being impulsive he finds kind of fun (unless its something to harm you or others)

if you're dissociating or zoning out, he'd gently tap you and ask what you were thinking about

doesn't mind your mood swings as someone who has to live with matt and his mattitude 😭

if you snap at him he'd be a little annoyed at first, then remember about your bpd and put pieces together, realizing you're in one of you're episodes

after that, when he calms you down, he'd sit you down and you guys would have a talk about it so you could educate him on what bpd is like for you specifically (considering its different for everyone)

chris is pretty straight up so i feel like he'd ask you very bluntly if you have any issues with staying clean (with anything whether its drugs, self harm, drinking, vaping etc.)

he'd help you through it without treating you differently

lowk becomes mental health advocate 😭

in conclusion we love chris and he'd be super caring and sweet to any gf <3

TAGLIST:

@opheliaofficial07 @stargirlv0id @strniolo @annaisabookworm @theperson-nextdoor @its-jennarose @thetriplets3 @gottamakemyhatersmad @luvsturniolo

#madispeaks!#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo fluff #chris sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo imagine #chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #fluff #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo headcannons #matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo

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marchofpain · 3 months

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Above is the first official March of Pain prompts list and some alternatives. All of those will also be typed out at the bottom of this post for accessibility.

March of Pain is similar to things like Whumptober, Comfortember, and Hurtcember: That is to say it's a list of hurt/comfort and whump-oriented prompts for writers, artists, etc. to fill throughout the month of March.

RULES

1. You can write/draw for any fandom or pairing

2. You can write/draw SFW or NSFW content, just label it accordingly

3. Please tag any Tumblr posts sharing your prompt fills with #marchofpain2024 so that we can find and repost them

4. If you post your works to AO3, please add them to this collection and add "March of Pain" and/or "March of Pain 2024" to the additional tags of your prompt fill(s)

5. The challenge officially starts on March 1st but feel free to write/draw before then and/or submit things after the month ends officially, whatever works best for you

6. Be kind to other participants

7. You DO NOT have to do every single prompt if you don't want to. The point is to have fun and spark creativity, not to feel like you're doing a chore

PROMPTS LIST

1. Depression

2. Apologies

3. Screaming

4. Self-Inflicted

5. Anxiety

6. Career-Ending Injury

7. Bankruptcy

8. Broken

9. Vomiting

10. Flashback

11. Sick

12. Tics

13. Nerve Damage

14. Dissociation

15. Abuse

16. Burden

17. Work Injury

18. Miserable

19. Heavy

20. Addiction

21. Unlovable

22. Pain

23. Cut

24. Stomach Bug

25. Meltdown

26. Worthless

27. Food

28. Burn

29. Scars

30. Crying

31. Shutdown

ALT PROMPTS

1. "I'm sorry"

2. "I love you"

3. "Please"

4. "Help me"

5. "I'll be better"

Yes, this is by the same event runner as the @hurtcember challenge, so if you did that challenge and noticed any similarities, that is why.

#writing prompts #writing prompt #dialogue prompt #fic prompt #whump prompt #dialogue prompts #story prompts #art #fanart #fiction #fanfic #fandom #whump writing #whump community #whump #hurt/comfort #prompt list #march #challenge

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yourlocalmerchgirl · 3 months

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The War Within - Part One

Briefly Joel x Neurodivergant Reader Then Tommy x Neurodivergant wife reader

Summary: You've only been with Joel for 6 months when the outbreak happens, flipping your entire life into a hell scape. Feeling backed into a corner and completely suffocated by life you decide to join the Fireflies with Tommy after a heartbreaking event to search for a better life and the two of you end up in Jackson

A twist of fate happens and you and Tommy Fall in love and get married when Joel and Ellie turn up in Jackson one day and you have to face him all these years later

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, Angst- Lots of it, Verbal fighting- lots of it , course language, emotional, some fluff and happiness, talks of anxiety, depression, Panic attacks, Neurodivergant reader. No use of y/n. Reader goes by the nickname Birdie. Use of typical pet name.

A/N: I hope you all love this new multi part journey I've been working on, I'm extremely proud of this story. I understand that this storyline/ themes aren't for everyone. Part Two will be out shortly.

More often then not you felt like you were outside of your body, floating above it.

Being a spectator to your own life, watching as your dissociative cocoon wrapped itself around you taking hold.

You found yourself in this position for days or weeks at a time. It was your body’s way of protecting itself after years of constantly being in fight or flight mode.

You looked on as you desperately tried to hold on to what little you had left, to your life with Joel. But it was like trying to hold on to a wet rope in the middle of a tsunami. Slowly losing your grip you began to drown, fighting desperately to stay above water. The more you tried to kick to the surface, the more tired you became and the more tired you became the less you fought to stay afloat.

Time dragged on, the air had a thickness to it you’d not yet felt. Everything sounded slow and muffled as you tried to make sense of why and how long you two had been fighting for.

“Are you even listening to me?” Joel pressed, getting more aggravated by the minute.

He got nothing as you blankly stared back him, eyes glazed over.

“Unbelievable…. I should be looking after Sarah, not looking after you”

Joel’s words snapped you back to reality. the fog that incased you not thick enough to protect you from the verbal blow as it struck you, deep and abrupt.

Your whole body burned, the tears started falling so quickly that you had no hope of stoping them even if you tried. The two of you often hastily said things to each other in the heat of the moment when you both reached the point of overstimulation. Things that neither of you meant. But this, this felt different. You knew the tone of Joel’s voice well, always able to understand his meaning by the tone of his voice. His tone was razor sharp, with an anger behind it that he had never used with you before.

“This is why we can’t talk things out like this, why nothing gets resolved. Because you cry every-time we have a argument”

“Are you fucking kidding me Joel?” You shout. Completely losing all ability to keep it in.

“Im sorry I care, that I’m emotional. Trust me I would much rather feel nothing 24/7 than to feel everything as if it’s a electrical currant passing through me, but I can’t. No matter how fucking hard I try I’m always going up be sensitive and emotional.”

“The state of the world doesn’t exactly lend its self to being emotional, one wrong move when your heads not focused could cost someone there life. You- you get stuck in these episodes and it’s like your not in your body anymore, I can’t keep keepin an eye on us both. You’re gonna get us killed one of these days.”

It hurts like hell, but it’s the truth and deep down you know it. But it doesn’t make you any less hurt and angry because it’s the truth either.

“I’m sorry Joel. I’m sorry that I should of died instead of Sarah, I’m sorry that no matter what I do I’ll never be enough for you.”

Your admission stuns Joel, your words cutting him like a straight blade razor. You’d never said anything like that about yourself, atleast not out loud you hadn’t.

“I can’t fucking talk to you when we’re like this. I’m going out” Joel exclaims while grabbing his coat.

“Wait, it’s almost curfew, where are you going?” You ask, everything but concern draining from your body.

“I don’t know? I’m just fucking going out, don’t wait up for me” Joel says as he slams the door

“I love you” you shout after him, but if falls on deaf ears.

You cried in silence, thinking about what had lead you to this point. You and Joel never had the chance to truly be happy. Your relationship was so new when the outbreak happened that it was doomed from the start. You two never had the chance to fully open up to each other

It wasn’t all his fault either, Joel was hardened by the cruel bitch that was the universe when it took the one thing he loved more than life itself. You also knew you weren’t easy to deal with, never getting the opportunity to talk to Joel about your anxiety and depression that stemmed from it. About how to spot if you were getting overstimulated and anxious and how to help talk you down from it. Or about how much you relied on a schedule and a routine to navigate life and how much progress you’d made with it all in therapy. Instead you were both thrust into a situation you didn’t have the tools to deal with and thus your relationship suffered at the hands of it.

The further past curfew it got the more you worried about Joel. It terrified you to think about the situations that would unfold if he was caught by Fedra. Dressing in all dark clothing you decided to go out searching for Joel.

Lurking in the shadows for hours you search for Joel, checking every inch of the qz and the seedy areas people hangout after curfew with no luck. The sun will start coming up soon, so you head back to the apartment hoping Joel managed to stumble back there unscathed.

You hear some commotion inside as you reach your apartment door. Slowly opening the door you feel like the wind got knocked out of you when you see Joel burred deep inside Tess, telling her how much he loved her. You stumble backwards as you try to catch your breath, refusing to believe you’re actually seeing this. But the scene before you never changes and your forced to realize this is unfolding in front of your eyes. Silently scrambling you grab your emergency go bag by the door and shut it behind you.

Your mind is racing as you slid down the wall and slump over. Gasping for breath you try desperately to comprehend what you saw, trying think quickly about what to do.

——————————————————————

Tommy springs awake at the sound of frantic knocking on the door. Creeping up slowly to the door, pistol in his hand.

“Who is it?”

“I-it’s me…it’s Birdie” your voice meek and distraught, tone barely above a whisper.

Tommy quickly unlocks the door to find you on the other side, eyes bloodshot and and desperate. Your body langue is defeated as Tommy notices your backpack.

“C-can I come in?” You ask, a hoarseness to your voice. Your eyes trained on the ground.

“Birdie, what’s wrong? Everything alright?” His face etched with concern as he looks you over.

“ Is- is there any way to join the fireflies quickly. To- to be able to leave the QZ with you guys tonight?”

“You get Joel to join the fireflies?”

“No n-not Joel, for me..just me” you shake your head. Your voice shakes as you speak. Your head hung low, eyes glued to your feet.

“Look at me Birdie” Tommy says gingerly, cupping your chin with his thumb and index finger, gently lifting your head to meet his gaze.

“Did he hurt you? He didn’t hit you did he?” He asked in a firm but calm tone while turning your face side to side to check for visible marks.

Tommy didn’t believe Joel was capable of laying a hand on you like that but he needed to make sure. His brother had become more angry and violet over the years. Drinking more and pushing home made drugs to some of the fedra guards and he was starting not to recognize the man Joel was becoming.

You shook your head.

“Hurt me yes, hit me no. We’ve been hurting each other for to long and I just can’t handle it anymore. I- I can’t live like this anymore and the two if you are the only people I trust.”

“Does he know your leavin’?”

“If they will let me go I’ll go in slip a note I wrote under the door. If not i don’t know what I’ll do”

“Let’s go talk to them. I’m not sure what’s goin’ on between the two of you but I’m not leavin you here like this, but I’m also not going to press you about what’s goin’ on if you don’t want to talk about it”

“ I’ll talk about it eventually Tommy I just can’t talk about it right now much less think about it, I’m just in to much pain”

————————————————————

It’s nearly dusk when Joel wakes up, rolling over to wrap his arm around you.

“I don’t want to fight like that anymore baby girl” Joel says as he nuzzles into your neck, but his eyes snap open the moment he realizes somethings off, that you scent is different. That’s when realizes the grave mistake he made when he sees it’s Tess in your bed and not you.

“What the fuck is going on” Joel shouts while pushing himself out of bed.

“What the fuck are you doing here? Where’s Birdie?”

“You didn’t seem to be complaining a couple hours ago that she wasn’t here”

It’s in this moment as Joel feels the color drain from his face that he’s made a detrimental mistake. That he hadn’t been with you at all last night, that it wasn’t you when he’d finally said I love you.

Joel immediately starts putting his boots on to go looking for you. His motions panicked and scrambled.

“You heard me, I said get the fuck out and don’t come back”

As Joel slams the door he hears paper crinkle under his boot, he steps back to see a folded piece of paper with his name on it just inside the door. He unfolds it yo find a note from you.

Dear Joel,

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for the pain and frustration I’ve caused you over the years. The way we’ve been living isn’t healthy for either of us and just can’t stomach it any longer. You don’t deserve to be worried about both of us constantly because I can’t handle life in the dystopian universe well. You said if anything were to ever happen to go to Tommy that he take care of me so rest easy knowing that right up until the end I listened to you. I’ve joined the fire flies with him and by the time you see this we will have left the QZ in search of a better living situation. Tommy will message you here and there on the radio. You and Sarah will always have a place on my heart.

Love,

Birdie

Anger and failure blend together in a unrelenting weight on Joel’s chest as he flips the kitchen table over, papers flying everywhere, glass breaking.

—————————————————————-

About 10 years later

Tommy is up on the scaffolding when he hears the unmistakable tone of his brothers voice

“Tooommmyyyy”

Tommy runs down the stairs as Joel’s jumps from the horse he’s on and the share in a tight embrace.

“The fuck you doin here?”

“I came to save you guys”

Tommy and Maria take Joel and Ellie into the mess hall for a meal. As Tommy’s taking his coat and gloves off he slips his ring into his pocket, not ready to tell Joel that the two of you are in love, that you’d gotten married. Not wanting to have the conversation in front of everyone. Emotions swirl around Tommy’s head, on one hand he’s happy to see his brother on the other hand fear and resentment in not knowing what kind of person his brother is these days.

“I trust the two of you would like some time alone, I’ll take Ellie up to the house to shower and set her up with clothes and then take her to the town movie night” Maria says

“It’s ok Ellie you can go with her, it’ll be alright”

“ Tommy a word in private before you do so?”

“Is Birdie going to be alright?”

“I think she’s going to be a bit shaken, she has therapy tonight and I know she’ll be home right now unwinding so she won’t just bump into him. Imma make sure she knows tonight that he’s here.”

—————————————————————

“It doesn’t look like you’ve aged much” Joel says taking a seat at the bar of the tipsy bison, nervously smoothing his hand over it.

“You on the other hand” Tommy offers.

“Is she here? Is Birdie alive?” Joel asks nervously

“Yes she’s here in Jackson”

“Where is she? I want to see her” Joel presses

“Now slow down Joel, ya can’t just waltz in here and demand to see her”

“ The fuck I can’t! You ain’t her keeper. I have the right to see her”

“I’m not her keeper nor am I trying to be, all I’m trying to say is she’s made a lot of progress since we’ve been here. Her health and well being has improved 10 fold thanks to therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“One of our residents here used to be a therapist before the outbreak so we built her a place to practice out of and birdie goes every week like she did before the outbreak”

“She went to therapy before? I didn’t know that”

“And I suppose you never asked either”

Tommy’s comment gets under Joel’s skin. Bringing up resentment that had be just below the surface.

“So what’s this have to do with you tellin’ me I can’t see Birdie?”

Tommy let’s out a frustrated huff at Joel’s pressing. He doesn’t want to argue with his brother, they havnt seen each other in so long the last thing he wants to do is get into a fight. But Tommy’s one and only goal is protecting you and he will be as harsh as he has to be to get Joel to understand, even if he doesn’t like the answers.

“Because Joel you just arrived with a mystery kid, she has no idea your even here. You just turning up at her door with no notice would have her shaken, set back her mental health. She deserves to atleast know your here. To make her own decision on wether or not she wants to see you”

“So what are you really doing out here Joel? What’s with the kid?”

“She needs to go to this firefly base out here so Marlene hired me to bring her out here. And I took the job so I could get out here and save you guys.”

“Why did you think we needed saving?”

“I don’t know Tommy maybe because the two of you guys stopped fucking messaging me back. Because Marlene said you weren’t with the fireflies anymore. It must be because your girl keeps you on a short leash.”

“Maria? It is because of a rule we put In place here but she ain’t my girl. We started having some rough people coming through because they found out about us from radio activity so we had to be more careful and only use it for emergency’s.”

“ Let me show you where you guys will be staying so you can rest, clean up and go to the town movie night if you’d like.”

—————————————————————

Tommy can’t help but smile about the way you look up from your book when he walks through the door, food from the mess hall in his hands.

“Hey baby” you coo, the smile on your face lighting up the room when you see him.

“Hey sweet girl, sorry I’m home a lil late. But I have your favorite, it was Shepards pie night at the mess hall.”

You get up to take the food containers from him, placing them on the counter as he wraps his arms around you.

“How did therapy go to today babe?” Tommy asks as he kisses your temple.

“It went good, just exhausted by it tonight”

After dinner your curled up on the couch with your head in his lap asking him about his day.

“Baby I need to tell you something” Tommy breaths out his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Ok… is everything ok?” You ask starring up at him.

“I’m afraid it’s probably going up upset you” Tommy says rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“What is it Tommy?” You ask as you sit up. Mind racing with what it could be.

“Joel’s here, in Jackson”

Taglist:

@hiddenbabynyc @frogjumps-world @kaleidoscopewritings19

@coolchris77 @caitlynsixxx @natasharoblesjoneshi @jarman147 @bobgirllll @lovelessamai @hydralicious-bucky

@bellaramseysbitch @rav3n-pascal22 @saltymagazinecreation

@oriborealis250 @tybsbnbn @mellowbananacowboybandit @f1shb0nez @d19evyn @cafeznha @gigachadcowboy

@racheldon @elkenenvy @mirandablue1 @jellybeanxc

@adrien8097 @sweetlemonade11 @clownd1ck @nightmarebeforchristmas @moravalentine @silv3rmind

@miniatureangelhoundsoul @nopenopenope10484 @harryscumcloth @morgaussy, @kalllistos @spikershoyo @musings-of-a-rose @alongfortheridereader

#fanfic #tommy miller #gabriel luna #the last of us #tommy miller x reader #pedro pascal #neurodivergent #joel miller #tommy tlou #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #tommy miller x f!reader

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circulars-reasoning · 7 months

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Recovery

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.

Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.

Just like that.

I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.

This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."

And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"

Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.

I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."

Why is who I used to be a burden?

Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?

Will it really make me taller?

My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.

"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy." "You know... I fell in love with that version of you." And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.

It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.

But I was far better than I made myself out to be.

#did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #cdd #complex dissociative disorder #syscovery #recovery #therapy #tagging this as #syscourse #because I think folks in that tag will appreciate seeing this #esp those who are experiencing a lot of doubt recently #you are stronger than you are making yourself out to be #diamonds are a boy’s best friend

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theswiftheartsystem · 4 months

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We got posted on r/fdc let’s discuss.

So we knew this was going to happen, and rather then being sad about this, we’d like to point out flaws in the arguments. Obviously warning for fake claiming.

also warnings for: talks about trauma and abuse, splitting, mental health episodes, psyche wards, ableism, making a joke out of exorcisms.

First off, “disorder salad” on that introduction post we only talked about things we were medically recognized as having or diagnosed with. Also the “it’s always the anime ones” it’s a picrew? A lot of Picrews are in a anime style, and if you go to Louise’s actual alter intro she uses not just picrews.

This one is just making fun of us. I don’t think we have ever fully posted why we are so connected to the character, but I’ll explain now. So when we were little we went through a lot of abuse and trauma. We had a lot of DVDs and a couple were CareBears. And we felt safe when we watched silly little characters like that. It brought us relief. We aren’t sure why we are so attached to Swift Heart specifically, but we have a little who is obsessed with the color blue and rabbits that formed around that time. We even own the original 80s plush which we found thrifting and means so much to us, plus a few other things of the character. We named our system this, not only because it represents our trauma, but also it represents safety, a light in the dark.

When did we self diagnose???? Also in that post we state that we intend to talk about the bad sides. We don’t think this is fun. Yes we portray ourselves a certain way, but we actually have constant flashbacks, panic attacks, and BPD episodes. It’s sometimes a daily thing. For around 2-3 weeks we would split at least once a day. We don’t think thats fun. But also sometimes you can enjoy life and enjoy being plural. When you live like this you learn to enjoy what you have and what you are living with. If we didn’t we wouldn’t survive. How parasocial do you have to be to think A TUMBLR ACCOUNT shows how we are 24/7.

Going back to the Self Diagnosis thing, We were being treated for DID before anyone put a label on it. We were talked to about “how when someone has many parts of them, sometimes fusion can help them feel more whole.” And asked when dissociating and acting strange who we were regularly asked who we where. When we we’re 15, we had gone to the Psyche ward for the 2nd time, and they couldn’t diagnose us, because of our age at the time, but they strongly suggested we get tested for it when we were old enough. And to get them to recommend anything, they have to talk to all the therapists, doctors, and psychologists, especially the ones who work with you. It’s been years since then, and guess what? We still have DID!

Finally the last claim out of the first comment, the Sub-System thing, that wasn’t in the original post, and I’m unaware who edited it in, but the reason we are confused if they are a subsystem, is because they are plural as it’s where dormant alters are stored. They speak as one and it’s quite strange. Not sure how to explain it.

Okay, comment 2:

The difference between DID and OSDD-1 in the DSM-5 is it’s nearly DID but isn’t quite. (Bad explanation, but these people need simple explanations) often times, it’s the alters are not distinct enough from the host, or a lack of blackout amnesia. This isn’t always the case but that’s what they were referring to. Also have you read the DSM-5’s entry on DID and OSDD-1?.. We have, many times actually. Guess what? it’s purposefully vague FOR A REASON. Because disorders are complex and wouldn’t be able to fit everyone if it was to specific.

This is just ableism. We have been told this by people and our life (luckily nothing was done), and we have heard stories about systems going through this. This stuff is incredibly traumatizing to the people who go through it. This kind of rhetoric being treated as a joke is disgusting.

We aren’t online everyday (also you, the person who commented this, have posted 10 times in the last 11 hours)

The stuff we are “faking” are often co-morbid with DID?!?!

I’m pretty sure this comment is trying to be like “they are doing it for attention to deal with their trauma that’s so sad 🥺🥺🥺”

If that’s the case, you are adding onto the problem

if you believe us and feel bad for us, thanks, but posting it on that subreddit just boost the post which can lead to harassment.

That’s literally the words that was told to us. By our former therapist. We believe it’s C-PTSD, but we put that instead of that because some reason we struggle to believe we have PTSD more then we do DID at this point.

Anyway, yeah, we’d thought we debunk/explain why the argument they have is stupid, they have a platform, but so do we.

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