#I’m so fucking stupid I hate myself so much

[toadallytickles]

So I was visiting my moms for a week.. plenty of time for my spots to ripen … perhaps I said this idk 🫣

I come home the evening of the 19th, it’s late and my sister is staying the night. It’s finally just Clay and I on the 20th, and have much needed physicalness and tickle fights between chores~. I didn’t sleep well at my moms’ place and the previous night at mine, so I treat myself to a big chunk of edible and woow I was zooted.. silliness and embarrassment dialled up, I couldn’t stop laughing. The fucker (Clay) very much takes advantage of me, starting with tickling me meanly on the couch and teasing me about BEING GANG TICKLED NEXT MONTH EWW IM SO SCARED ACTUALLY 😖‼️. He tests and plays with my new ticklishness on the couch for a bit before ordering me to be on his bed naked. I get tied up face up.. but he refuses to give me a blindfold, I’m denied a blindfold.. because I’m a stupid idiot and shared much prior to him My Sessioning Insecurities and I wished I was more comfortable and confident leeing. So Clay forced me to watch him destroy me… bruh.. the look and smile on his face… never seen it before.. because I wear a blindfold… that wasn’t Clay.. 😳. Feral man.

And before he really digs in, he pulls his phone out and responds to my text above RIGHT THEN AND THERE. IN FRONT OF ME.

Fuck when he bit my knees… that was the death spot for the night, it was Awful™. You know it’s bad when they get that crazy, desperate laughter outta you— 🙄. Every spot was extra sensitive.

Anyway yeah.. 😖 I hate watching EWW! but the edible made me so silly that I wasn’t anxious, and I could really headspace and have fun with making eye contact~ 💕

#honestly dumb #I had to beg for a blindfold and was still denied #actual Sadist #yea whatever it was a really fun session~ #my posts #my writing #Clay #clayticklish #tickles #text

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent tw

#i have a lot of pain and emotions and no one to go to #my house is so cold and it’s making everything hurt #i wish I could k!ll myself but that would be selfish #but then again everyone even my cat now is probably better off without me #i miss c-tting it was the only thing that gave me release #it’s too hard being good I’m stressed out 24/7 making sure everything I say and do is good #i just wanna be happy #what is wrong with me #the only time I’m happy is during sexting #i just wanna talk and have someone who loves me listen #I’m so fucking stupid I hate myself so much #i wanna die so bad I wish someone was here to hug it out of me #I’m the reason why everything sucks #if my family didn’t have to deal with my disability they would’ve been a happy normal family #you have no idea how painful this anger is I have towards myself #to numb my emotions my brain makes me dissociate and picture killing myself #instead of feeling painful emotions I envision knifes and sharp things #why can’t this be like a rom com and I can call my SO crying that I need them and they rush here #fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m in so much emotional pain I don’t wann be here anymore

[why-the-heck-not]

Starting to almost wish I could just go do this fucking presentation today solely bc I’m getting mad and tired of the anxiety, how is it physically possible to be this anxious for so many days straight. There has to be a limit how long u can be on the verge of an anxiety attack like ????

#it’s stupid #cant sleep cant eat over ’’ppl are paying attention to me for 20minutes or so’’ #i hate this so so much #bc like I KNOW it’s overreacting and unreasonable and it never is as bad as I think but knowing that won’t do shit for the anxiety #like it will he here until I’m back home tmrw after having presented it #at least it’s only like a day of this anymore but I don’t have the energy for this for even one more goddamn minute #literally what could happen in that presentation that would be worse than feeling like this?? #the realistic worst case possible is that I lose my train of thought or have a ’’brain doesnt work’’ moment and have to take like 20secs to #gather myself and like maybe if someone asks a question I don’t have an answer to #but like I won’t die or anything #even if it’d be awkward (it will be awkward) that’s legit nothing #I’m ’’just some guy’’ to the ppl and after leaving the building they’ll never think abt my stupid ass presentation again #so wHY cant I fucking chill #april 2024 #2024

[figofswords]

anybody remember the stephanie brown essay I was working on under a research grant fully last summer? yeah it’s not done yet it super needs to be done and I’ve been avoiding working on it for weeks. someone tell me to just do it already

#the problem is. actually there are several problems #1) I’ve been out of the Batman/dc comics phase for almost a year so I don’t care that much about the topic #2) I am fifteen pages in and have not touched it in months so I’ve completely lost my train of thought #3) I can’t just reread it because I hate first five pages or so and I know I need to change it but I was trying to finish before editing #so now my only solution is I need to open up a new doc and completely restructure the whole thing by splicing together the existing writing #so that I can figure out where the hell im going with this and make sure things fit together better #unfortunately that sounds fucking exhausting #but I told my mentor I would have an update for him by the end of the week and. well. it’s the end of the week #I have to present it in April. I have to write and submit an abstract in March #the school gave me $1500 for this stupid essay and if I don’t have anything to show for myself. #well. I don’t know they can’t take the money BACK but it’s not a good look #and also I would feel bad #I did the research!!! i interviewed comic writers even!!! I just haven’t finished WRITING IT DOWN #and I KNOOOOWW once I get started it’ll be fine once I’m going I’m going #but STARTING is hard because I feel like I have to finish it in one go which makes it so huge and daunting #I’m like. slamming my head into a wall. just write a couple sentences Jess something is better than nothing #just start it you don’t have to finish just START just MAKE the new DOC #I know!!!!! that is what my therapist would say!!!! Jess you’re trying to oneshot it bc of your dumb adhd brain!!!! #stop looking at it like that and making it scarier!!! #but even tho I know that logically I’m still like oh I should put away the dishes o should make bread #I should work on my six different art pieces I should do laundry i should play with the puppy I should go for a walk I sh

[chibishortdeath]

I would absolutely love it if I could look up one of the only things making life bearable rn without seeing either a constant stream of content about a show that makes me deeply uncomfortable or “actually your favorite character is boring as hell and does not work at all in anything and has no effect on the story at large and also doesn’t matter and sucks and he doesn’t do anything remarkable or have enough abilities to warrant any attention and literally you can skip those games tbh they don’t have a story anyway play this fan game that changes all of the dialogue instead because he is so lame and has no personality or plot significance whatsoever he could spontaneously not exist and nothing would really change even that show you don’t like that doesn’t really adapt anything from the games and changes everything about every character they decide to write about couldn’t make him interesting he is that much of a nothing nobody character because he has no modern triple A game level cutscenes he is basically whip man Mario he go kill Dracula so boring that’s it”

#castlevania #castlevania games #text post #simon belmont #vent post #I don’t even know if I should use the main tags but eh #anti netflixvania #cw netflixvania #just an ​implied mention of it but yeah #I’m genuinely depressed over this and it’s so stupid like it’s just a fucking game get over it stop being such a fucking child #I should delete Reddit cause it’s all just this all the time #I’ve seen this from both Netflix and game fans too #and yeah everything in that text wall are things I’ve seen people actually say #I hate being online rn #the only reason why I have been at all is because I go to this series for comfort #yay having a niche special interest within a niche special interest oh boy #I’ve been trying to come back to regular internet stuff on multiple platforms #but I just can’t do it #every time something happens and hits me back into artblock and low energy burnout hell again ugh #I haven’t been able to get myself to talk to people very much lately #partially from already not having much energy because of this #and partially cause I don’t know how to manage having like more than maybe two or three friends at a time #and I guess also cause I don’t really have anything good to say #it’s all just been bad news stress I can’t deal with and mild annoyances lately #which is pretty fucking insufferable of me isn’t it #not an excuse to just fucking abandon people god I’m such a bitch #the digestive issues aren’t helping either #and my fucking Xbox broke so I can’t even play curse of darkness about it #so I go online to calm down and immediately get blasted with everything I like being insulted all the time #I’m just so tired

[hella1975]

tbf i really deserved to lose that poll im stupid af

#i need to come off the pill it’s not funny anymore 😂🙏🏼 #like it was already hard getting myself motivated for a degree i hate and then there’s the adhd shit on top of that #which is literally the productivity killer but now the pill on top of all that has just taken any fear factor i might have had #like i don’t feel anything I’m not nervous there’s no concept of repurcussions in my mind #and it’s meant I’ve basically hardly fucking studied and it’s entirely my fault and im GOING to fail #like you cannot walk into a uni exam with the barebones knowledge i have and still pass you just can’t #like i spent all of yesterday trying to study and i didn’t get anything fucking done until 11pm #when I did like. a solid hour. that’s it #and it’s so frustrating bc it’s like well why didn’t you just study #and im like i CANT it’s like an actual physical block stopping me #and ik thats the adhd but I could handle it before I knew if I left it last minute the panic would set in and I’d be suddenly productive #but now? nothing #i just don’t feel anything ever and haven’t since literally march #and even that the only reason i remember it as march so vividly is bc i had a fucking depressive episode #physically the pill has done bits but it’s shredded the little mental stability i had and now we’re here and I’m failing my stupid degree #even now it’s like. why am I on tumblr. the exam is in 1.5 hours. i have so much to do bc i did nothing yesterday #and instead of me feeling panic or guilty or ANYTHING? #nothing. just absolutely nothing it’s like im not even here #hella goes to uni

[mrsdulac]

.

#back to playing the ol ‘i hate my body so i’m not gonna eat.’ game… #can’t wait to see how long it lasts this time #punishing myself for stupid shit isn’t the smartest thing but there’s only so much I have power over so fuck it

[bo0zey]

when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes #i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses #i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything #it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever #i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless #everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad #i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards #but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like #ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything #it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but #she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible #we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway #it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without #sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks #i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18 #and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society #i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am #20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already #why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong #i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing #i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there #i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic #i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse #nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there #i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am #i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not #it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying #i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit #ramblings

[warriorsatthedisco]

Man I used to sympathize people with chronic illness, but now I can really empathize. This shit sucks and it has the worst snowball effect too.

#helped my friend with her art booth at a con this weekend and it wasn’t even like a ton of work but it fucking exhausted me so much #I think I pushed myself too far because I also got sick and now I feel like shit and I’m so so so tired #and of course this is with steroids. like the drug that gives you energy to do shit and I’m barely functioning at work #I’m going to up my dose to 30mg bc the doctor said I could. cause even at 20 I’m still getting crohns symptoms #nothing like picking up groceries and feeling sudden impending doom where you have to get to a toilet as soon as possible #and then being so tired from just picking up groceries that you don’t have energy to make food #so you just lay in bed but you can’t sleep because you’re in pain and it’s hard to breathe from this stupid cold #this cold shouldn’t be kicking my ass but of course my steroids are immunosuppressants so it’s like I have fucking Covid #(I don’t have Covid) #and then crying because even on the steroids I still have to follow this stupid miserable diet because apparently #my body just fucking hates all good food #including goddamn rice #RICE! #not to mention the fact that prednisone can make your vision bad and it’s been making it hard for me to read even with my glasses on #and the foot cramps. idk what that’s about but I’m drinking so much water and taking supplements #anyways. rant over. hope I can work tomorrow. I accidentally slept thru my alarm today and was an hour late #personal

[the-casbah-way]

grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA

#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this #everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad #because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably #i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed #looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this #i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it #but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now #and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too #if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want #but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross #i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance #every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty #there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this #i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at #and i want to like hide forever but i can’t #it’s so hard to function like this #i hate everything about me so much #someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die

[pissfizz]

I’m going to lose my mind oh my god I am so scared for this quincenera wtf

#NOT MINE BTW I MISSED MY CHANCE LMAO #but Jesus Christ family I’ve never met before flying in from Panama…. god I’m so scared #I’ve already been dealing with some wack ass imposter syndrome ass shit cuz of how I was raised this is gonna make it SO MUCH worse #I DIDNT EVEN KNOW PANAMANIANS GOT QUINCES #i was raised with almost zero influence from any culture whatsoever I wasn’t even raised close to that side of the family #and like I’m mixed with white but I can’t even use that as an excuse cuz the cousin who’s quince it is is also mixed #and that side of the family is super tied to the culture and they speak Spanish and shit #i don’t even speak Spanish even if the family from Panama doesn’t think ima. total embarrassment what if most of them don’t speak english #when I’m surrounded by white people 24/7 I feel like a total outlier but the second I’m around anyone else latine I feel like that but WORSE #i don’t speak Spanish I don’t know anything about the culture I’m from the fucking pacific northwest and do digital art and watch anime #i am so far completely removed from everything I’m gonna be sick #my grandma is already so judgy about stuff my uncle was even WORSE and made fun of the stuff that was too white or too American about me #my cousins throwing the party are the least of my worries cuz at least their mixed and second/third Gen too #but oh my god the family I’ve never met before I’m so scared I’m so scared #i was already thinking like. can I even call myself latine bc of how I was raised and how far removed I am from everything. I’m mixed so - #-should I just associate myself more with the white side of my family. am I being fraudulent by identifying with that term just bc I have - #-the blood is that even enough maybe that kid had a point when he said I shouldn’t count as hispanic if I don’t know spanish #and thinking about showing up to my cousins quince as. me. it’s terrifying it’s awful I want to go I want to meet these people I want to - #-celebrate my cousin and be happy for her but GOD what if everyone hates us and just tolerates us cuz we’re related to them #i would say we’re the black sheep of the family but I feel like white is more fitting cuz I feel like we’re just slightly brown white people #god god god I’m so stresssd out by this #is this a weird thing to be worried about is this stupid is this selfish #and to make matters worse I DONT KNOW WHAT TO GET HER FOR A GIRT #vent

[fandomsoda]

Realizing something about a situation that definitely is the most reasonable explanation and was clarified to me a while beforehand. Sure there are what-ifs and it could actually be worse than I think now but tbh it’s probably not and I’ve probably been overreacting god kill me

#can my emotions please chill tf out for like a split second #like I don’t think my panic was fully irrational #but still #I feel guilty and stupid #Humans are built to be burdens #but I still hate myself for worrying too much #And jumping to conclusions #fuck me with a rusty razor I probably only made the situation worse #how do y’all put up with me #“I go no-contact sometimes” yeah that probably includes blocking everyone doesn’t it and would explain the situation perfectly #But of course I’ve gotta freak out like I didn’t know this shit already #To who this situation is about (you know who you are and you might see this eventually) I am so fucking sorry my dude #you’ve done nothing wrong I’m just an idiot

[bytebun]

.

#The amount of rage I’ve felt while trying to factory reset this bitlocker encrypted laptop. If I worked in IT I would immediately unalive #myself. Every day I thank god I don’t work in IT. My molars would be dust. #Fucking encryption grumble grumble ok well the good news is. I guess. I’ll definitely be wiping my Mac for the coops so they don’t have to #deal with this shit. My god. Blows up the earth. I hate being the first to do anything #I had to create a bootable usb and then use command prompt to bypass the internet req for windows 11 setup and then my keyboard wouldn’t #work but fortunately our good friends at reddit have a soln to this. I stg they are always making tech things Worse #[redacted comments abt what I would do to big tech companies] #some of this shit is just so so evil. What do you mean my advertising preferences. Your job is to be an operating system you piece of shit #I’d install Linux if I didn’t need to run the stupid windows programs for work. Motherfucker. #bytebun rambles #ok ok I can be normal about this. Yes I’m working on the weekend because i procrastinated because of how much I hate installing windows #and I need to send my beautiful MacBook to the new kids on Monday. Fuck me

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

hope you guys know that i could not give less of a shit. on that note please give me attention until i cannot breathe i want that shit like an anvil to the cranium.

#🌫️ #it’s 11:30 at night and i’m feeling so so lonely #my best friend has not texted me or been in my notifs for ten days and i miss her so much :[[ #i probably did something stupid and fucked up #i fucking hate myself dear god #i’ll probably be deleting this post sometime soon. #i’m not a good person. i do not deserve this. #but here comes time anyways. that son of a bitch.

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#the longer it is that I don’t hear from him the more anxious I get and that’s so stupid and I hate it #I don’t know why so much of my happiness is tied to talking to him #especially because I have a girlfriend now and should probably be more inclined/excited to talk to her #which I am! really! I love talking to her too and wouldn’t have asked her out if I didn’t feel that way #but there’s something about him and this weird connection we have to each other #it’s like I just need to talk to him #my day isn’t complete and my mood gets all screwy if I don’t talk to him #and I know I say this same bullshit here so often but I’m just so fucked up about this all the time #because he’s still in my fucking head and I can’t get rid of him #so I’m stuck in this stupid headspace of wanting to give my all to my girlfriend and still subconsciously pining for him #I wish I could turn it off like he did because he makes it seem so easy to just shut off the temptation and the desire and all of that shit #but it’s just not that easy for me and now I’m so deep in this emotional pit that I feel like I can’t dig myself out #I don’t know what to do about all of this because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it #I used to just talk to him about it but it was hard for him to deal with so I promised I wouldn’t anymore #now I’m just worse for wear and spiraling constantly #personal