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ftm-elliot-blog1 · 7 years

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Introduction

Hey I’m Elliot and I’m 22 years old. I love comics and video games.

I’m making this blog because I want a place to vent about any gender issues or thoughts I may be having. A place where people from my life can’t see or judge. I guess I’ll type up how I got to this point:

I was dfab and had two brothers growing up. My younger brother and I are close in age and would always play together. Whenever we would play pretend, even as small kids, I would be a boy. When I was 7 I dressed as Dracula for Halloween and one of his new friends thought I was his brother. I didn’t mind.

I was very much a “tomboy” growing up. I begged my dad for DBZ action figures when I was five, I’d dig up worms to go fishing, exclusively play kickball at recess. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy some “girly” things as well. I was picky about dolls but I loved Barbies. In fact, my mom spoiled me rotten with as many girly things she could get her hands on. At one point I had an entirely pink princess bedroom. At that age you don’t really care. That stuff made my mom happy so it made me happy too.

Anyway, I moved to a new state in first grade. I had a really hard time making friends because I was really shy back then. Eventually I made a friend named Kevin. At recess we’d set up obstacle courses on the playground and time ourselves on how fast we completed them. Like when Goku trained I guess, I don’t know haha.

3rd/4th grade rolled around and for whatever reason the genders became very segregated. Particularly at lunch, there was a “girls table” and a “boys table”. 90% of my friends were guys and I had a crush on this kid named Colby so I always sat with them. The boys didn’t care but the girls would make fun of me a lot.

Shortly after that, puberty hit. I swear, with every stage that happened I broke down in tears. I refused to shave when I started growing hair. My mom got mad at me and made me shave after realizing I was “growing a forest under my arms”. I cried when I got boobs because I just plain didn’t like them and I couldn’t go shirtless anymore. Plus sleeping on my stomach was suddenly uncomfortable.

And of course, getting my period. Thankfully it was at home and my mom was there to explain everything. After I asked all of my questions I burst into tears. My mom consoled me but I remember her puzzled face. She tried reassuring me that this meant I was healthy. I was pretty upset.

I had begun to dress myself around this time. I stopped wearing dresses in 1st or 2nd grade because they were inconvenient. My parents didn’t have a whole lot of money but I pretty much stuck to the t-shirt and pants thing. My mom tried to make a deal with me to wear skorts, those shorts that looks like skirts, but nah.

I have a few distinct memories of watching kids get on the buses and thinking “I wish I could switch lives with them for awhile.” I would fantasize about it for too long. What I didn’t want to admit was that the kids I wanted to switch lives with were all boys.

In middle school I tried to be as girly as possible. I wore makeup as often as I could, grew my hair out super long and wore tighter clothes + pushup bras. This is around the time the emo/scene thing was trendy and I wanted to be an emo boy so bad. I tried to reason with myself that I just didn’t like the hairstyles that the girls had. I was also getting pretty depressed about my appearance around this time. All that hair and makeup was time consuming and not worth it. I didn’t feel as great as I thought I would have. In fact, I was never satisfied with the way I looked. My hair in particular would be hard to work with, people would ask if I even brushed it or call it sex hair.

I got my first boyfriend freshman year. It went well for awhile but it turned into a huge shitstorm that went on for too long. I came out of that and felt like doing some things I wanted to do. I shopped at Hot Topic to be the pseudo emo kid I always wanted to be. I dyed my hair and cut it. Not short, still about bob length.

I got a job and things seemed to be okay. Then I started getting those “I wish I could switch lives with him” thoughts again. At this point I admitted to myself I preferred boy’s clothing. So I would explain these thoughts by rationalizing that I didn’t want to actually be a boy I just wanted to look like one. I would take my little brother clothes shopping and have way more fun than I’d have shopping for myself.

Prom arrived and I dreaded it. I had worn dresses for special occasions but my mom was all excited for prom. She grew up in Europe so she never had a prom. Honestly? My prom sucked. Even in the photos my mom took, you can tell how uncomfortable I was. For putting me through that ordeal, she promised that she’d allow me to cut my hair short after graduation. I did it right after the last day of school, before the graduation ceremony even happened.

For once in my goddamn life I didn’t feel ugly. It was a euphoric feeling. To this day I’m asked if I’ll ever grow it out again and the answer will always be no. I also started exclusively shopping for clothes in the men’s/boy’s section and slowly got rid of all my bras. I’ve had my own job since high school so I ordered a binder. I said it was for cosplay and my mom would wash it for me and stuff. This is what I looked like around that time:

That next year I realized that someone I knew from high school changed their name on skype. It went from a girl’s name to Ethan. I wasn’t particularly close with this person in high school so I didn’t think much of it. Later on I found out Ethan was transgender. I guess I thought it was a little weird but I didn’t put much thought into it.

When I started community college, Ethan’s brother was in my class. He asked if I knew his “little sister... well, sorry, brother now.” And even though I didn’t know much of anything I felt really happy that he was accepting of it. So I went home that night and decided to message Ethan, using his brother as an icebreaker. We talked for awhile and ended up spending Halloween together.

I met him at a restaurant and I was so shocked by his voice. Apparently he’d been on T for a year. It was shocking since I met him back in middle school but it was also kind of cool? I didn’t know hormones could do that.

Anyway, we ended up going to a horror movie at the end of the night. After the movie I went to the bathroom and he asked why I used the girls bathroom. I was confused. The thought of using the men’s room hadn’t really crossed my mind. Then later he mentioned that my voice was a lot more feminine than he remembered. I think he was trying to figure me out, which was unsuccessful because I had no idea who I was.

Long story short we ended up dating and it was the best relationship of my life. I regret how things ended and honestly I’m avoiding him right now. However, now that I feel I’ve been adequately educated and have been thinking about it, the gender question is eating away at me. Sometimes my brain will be quiet for a little while and then it won’t shut up for a straight month. I’ll feel dysphoric and wear my binder every day. I get angry when strangers assume I’m a girl.

But every time I think about taking ANY kind of step -- coming out to one person or finding a therapist, I freeze up with anxiety. I just can’t stand the possibility of my life falling apart over this. Sometimes I feel like it’s just something I can ignore but other times it’s overwhelming, like tonight. I got my period today and I know I’ll be bothered by this consistently over the next week.

Anyway, I’m going to leave with a picture of what I look like currently. For the most part I want to remain anonymous because I’m still terrified of anyone finding out so this may be the only picture I post for awhile. (Same necklace btw, ey)

#ftm #ftm transgender #transgender #transmasculine #personal journal #i will follow back

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