Her soul was made of sunlight and honey
Her presence alone was enough to turn heads
She’s beautiful not just her looks but her soul too
She’s soft yet hard she stands on her beliefs but
Always open to seeing things from a different
Point of view.
She doesn’t judge she knows people make mistakes
Something about her soul, she’s so young but it’s like
She’s been here for centuries.
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Obsessing over why they left you without a reason will leave you tired and broken. Their actions were the only closure you needed.
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MAL hasn’t been fun without you.
(Oh yes, this is another case of me being a coward to send it directly to you.)
I’m learning to be okay with not knowing
I’m learning to accept things for what it is not what it could be
I’m learning that not everything works out, that’s okay
I’m learning to be more open and not weary of people and their intentions
I’m learning not to let others play with me
I’m learning boundaries
I’m learning to accept affection without questioning people’s motives
I’m learning that being uncomfortable is part of growth
Be patient with me I’m learning
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Journal entry #2
This picture is more or less how I'd like to look like after transition. I don't know if I'll do it or if that goal is realistic, but I think I'd be pretty and that's cool.
Let me tell you a bit more about myself. I've always imagined stories. Fantasizing by myself was kind of my main entertainment as a kid. I'd be at school, or at home, laying on my bed waiting to fall asleep, and my mind would drift to worlds of adventure. Everybody who knows me offline knows that's one of the reasons I want to be a writer.
What they don't know is I that also imagined how would my life be if I was born a girl. I didn't tell anyone about the fantasies where a heroic wizard got turned into a girl by the bad guys and fell in love with his friend. I wasn't a fan of sports and I didn't want to be seen as not boyish enough. At the time, I thought that being treated as a girl was an insult.
When I was a teenager, these fantasies became very sexual. I'd imagine myself as a woman with a penis or sleeping with shape-shifting lustful beings. It was at that time that I started to be interested in porn.
Although I've enjoyed different types of porn and erotica in this lonely life of mine, I have a preference for webcomics and blogs with transgender themes, mostly mtf. I would lurk on these blogs and investigate DA artists to see if all of their work was around these themes. I considered myself a weird fetishist and a sex addict for this.
Then Faceapp came into existence. I ignored it at first but, one day, I decided to illustrate one of my stories, the ones I do talk about to my friends and family, with an aged picture of myself. Soon after downloading the app, I had hundreds of gender-filtered selfies. I think I've deleted it a few times, only to reinstall it to see myself as a woman.
For a while, I considered this part of my perversion. How can I fall in love with someone, if my ideal woman is me? How could I explain a potential partner that I get turned on by the idea of being a girl? I always thought that any relationship I could have was doomed for disappointment.
I don't remember the exact trigger for the last time I got the app. I had been thinking of starting an erotic stories blog, for the sake of releasing my unsatisfied urges in a creative way. Then I saw that story about a Japanese man who catfished his Twitter followers into thinking he was a woman, so I decided to start this blog with more or less erotic stories and illustrate them with my own Faceapp pictures.
But, the moment I chose a female name for myself as a pen name, I realized that this was something else, that I couldn't keep calling myself cisgender. I started using my new name in other networks and following trans people and their blogs, to see if I could relate to them.
For years I had assimilated that discourse of trans women being always femenine in every sense but the body they're born with, that they dressed with female clothes since early childhood and that, somehow, they were born with the mind of a woman. Since I didn't think that was my case I thought I couldn't be a trans woman but, as I've discovered in my recent online journeys, every transgender person is their own individual with their own feelings and their own valid reasons for transitioning. I could have understood that earlier but I didn't want to as I was afraid accepting my own queerness would make others reject me for not being the man I was supposed to be.
Now, I'm still not sure of how to define myself. Words can be powerful and also scary. I know that I have a femenine side that I have been repressing. I know that I want to dress as a woman, and be referred to as a woman. I bought a wig and some lipstick and one of those shapewear things that I thought would give me a more femenine body. I want to get more clothes and see what's my style.
At first, I thought I wouldn't try crossdressing until I had left my parents home, but I'm 28 and still looking for a job, so I've been hiding my girl stuff for when I'm alone. I know that I want to tell them more or less what I've written in this post, but I want to be able to show them how seriously I take this. I don't want them to think that I'm wearing a half-assed woman costume but to understand how I see myself.
I've been thinking of telling them that I'm questioning my gender, and explore my identity more gradually, with changes they could see. It would probably be less shocking than appearing one day on a dress, but I fear that they could think that I'm just confused and expect things to go back to the old normal. I also fear that, as an adult, I should already have been able to define myself on my own, that this is something I should have done before finishing college and that I would look ridiculous.
As you see, I still have fears to overcome. I know that I don't want to live in the closet forever, that I want to embrace this part of me more openly and share it with the people I care about, but I'm terrified. At least now I have accepted myself and I'm trying to build some courage to make myself accepted by others. At least now I know I don't have to hate myself.
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I sleep a lot so I don't have to think.
You betrayed my trust, yet you still ask why I don't believe you? My golly, I wonder why.
I feel like my thoughts always go back to you no matter what I do.
(I miss you; is it even okay for me to text you that?)
It’s May 8, 2021.
I’m here with another entry, so I can tell you one good thing that happened to me today. So here is my daily log, in an effort to see the good in my life and put out some good vibes along the way.
I went to visit some old coworkers today, which was really nice. We went to an old haunt, an artisanal Persian ice cream store called Saffron and Rose. I got the Pink Rose, Orange Blossom and Strawberry flavors. It’s just as good as I remembered it.
I was so excited to eat it I didn’t take a picture. By the time I remembered, I had finished the whole cup. So here’s a picture of my empty cup LOL
Talk to you tomorrow.
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Nothing worth writing again.
it’s sunday!!! the weekend is almost over (so sad). my morning was productive i’m so happy!! i went grocery shopping, picked up my husky’s vitamins in the clinic, and also bought SB on the way home (which is becoming a weekly reward thing). i cooked some tofu and omelet for brunch and now, with 30mins to spare before our oral revalida review, i’m going to fold clothes 🌤😌 for this afternoon here’s the to-do list. let’s do this!!!
study molecular medicine
study motor physiology
start reading HEENT
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Now Playing :
May 8, 2021
Today was really good but very boring. All day I spent scrolling through my phone bored. So I made it where I can’t get onto social media from May 8th to June 8th. Well I will still be posting here though. I also got to see Nonny today. We sat in the nature talking. Chance also fell into the pond while fishing. I wasn’t there when it happened but it was funny. Also Dominic caught both a fish and a rock. A freaking rock lol. It was so funny. Me, mommy, and Nonny was sitting outside when we heard cheering from the pond. That was basically all for today.
Anyway...I'm glad I decided to leave my counseling program because I met my goals but also the new counselor they gave me...I just wasn't feeling her.
I keep trying to be...idk the word...like I don't think she's a terrible person and I do think she cares about her job (or, at least, I HOPE she do) but as nice as she was we just didn't click. I mean we shared some laughs (cuz ya gyal is charming®) but I also didn't really feel heard and understood.
And I tried to not feel that way because I like to often give ppl the benefit of the doubt unless they really push me not to, but I just remember how it often felt like she was trying to check things off a to-do list rather than personalize what I needed. And how she asked me a lot of questions like I was filling out a damn questionnaire. They weren't evasive questions, but y'all know me. Don't be asking me shit when you first meet me. Let me tell you what I want or need you to know .
Deadass one of her questions was what I like to do for self care. And, look, I don't have a planned routine. It's not how I function. I can plan something things out but others, like self care, is focused on what I need in that particular moment. And it could be anything from reading a book to listening to music to putting on makeup to having a convo with ppl I like. So I told her "idk I guess getting tats and piercings" (which, to be fair, it's not a total lie because loving myself includes body moderations) because that was the only thing I could think of in the moment. And she made a face when immediately made me feel judged (I'm thinking back on it now and realizing shit lol). She didn't mean it in a mean way because she has tats but don't fuck with piercings but, like, Miss Ma'am, YOU ASKED!
How you gon ask me something then respond like THAT to my answer when you're supposed to be counseling me???
Our second meeting made me feel unheard because she gave me lots of sheets about meditation but I had already told her I do mediation and what kind I do, but she handed me sheets with the kind I do on them. Like??? You was taking notes, ma'am! How you not know that????
You can't just, like, give all your clients the same work and activities because we're all individuals and what works for the goose ain't gon work for the gander.
Anyway, I had already planned on leaving the program but I was gonna wait until I could talk to someone I the program before I did and I also wanted to give this girl a chance, but that plus the upcoming weight check in... which...why??? Why, why, WHY???? is there a goddamn weight check in for a MENTAL. HEALTH. SERVICE??? I mean for certain issues I get it but I went there for my depression and anxiety. Thank God I didn't mention my eating issues during my initial assessment because I would've had to chuck the deuces up from the jump and, let's just say, that wouldn't been bad news for ya gyal.
So anyway, I finished the program, for now, I'm gonna work on implementing all the things I've learned to help with my issues, I'ma keep on taking my antidepressants (I'll have to schedule an appointment with my primary doc to figure out when I can start to wean off of them), and doing my goddamnedest to make it. The world is exhaustion and trying and downright scary but I truly feel like I can make it this time. I love that.
Getting taken to the ER!!
My leg that I had my fibula removed from, has gone numb?? And its super stiff and tender. It's been increasingly getting more and more numb over the last few days. So I'm concerned 😬!!
Fingers crossed for your girl!!!!!
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Hey everyone! If you struggle with mental health but feel like you can’t talk to anyone or they don’t understand, I got you.
Write something about how you feel everyday, it could be a poem, a story or even just a sentence. Be creative and let your emotions out onto a doc or paper.
If you feel comfortable show a trusted friend, guardian or teacher.
We all love you
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Tumblr is really just a digital junk journal 🥰
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Oh god! Got way too drunk last night. Imma need a bit lol. 🤞😇
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Anyway look at this extremely zen postcard I received from Japan today! I love it. I also just Skyped with one of my best friends for almost 2½ hours. This always makes me very zen as well (I tend to call him my Zen Master - he’s my complete opposite in a lot of ways but we’ve been friends since forever and I love him very much).
Now let’s see how long I will stay zen.
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// TRIGGER WARNING - suicidal thoughts, discussions of death
sometimes I just lie in bed thinking... what’s the point?
what’s the point of living if I’ll always be stuck in this place, imprisoned by my parents? what’s the point in staying if I’ll forever be angry and tired after years of never getting help, of being neglected instead of protected and loved?
what’s the goddamn point if I’ll just die here, the exact same place I’ve been in since I was thirteen? everything seems to get worse. everyone seems to live their lives normally while I’m here, weighing on myself, crying, yelling.
and sometimes I wonder if dying now would make a difference at all. because I’ll die one day. we all do. so honestly, what is the fucking point in staying here if nothing gets better?
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I received this happiness planner in a lucky dip bag, along with some casual leggings, loungewear leggings, and a couple of acessories from Lucy Locket Loves. I'm looking forward to using it and working on my mindfulness.
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